#did this tweet ever get posted here. dont care i am posting it anyway.

[boeing-787]

don't cry, okay? several thousand wives are flying in the sky right now.

[johannwolfgangvongoethe]

organizing care + being a legal guardian + struggle tweeting irl

enstars thought collection below. i dont know how we got here.

anyway, so this is a post where i talk about my vague ideas on whats up with kanames health and care situation. like, legally speaking.

(spoilers for everything surrounding kaname, obbligato specifically)

basically. i am an avid tatsumi and himeru enjoyer and healthcare business and law is? my hobby? idk if you can call this a hobby? so i have been absolutely obsessing over every little throwaway line we get about how kanames long-term care is organized. because depending on who is currently responsible on paper... that could really influence a lot, right!!! since right now kaname is unable to make health decisions for himself.

we all know (ore-)himeru is going through a lot and the possibility of an added responsibility and financial burden of a guardianship on him is something that is very interesting to me.

point of the post so this post isnt much about existing laws (as they are extremely complicated, even if youre native to a region and language), i mostly want to discuss what we know and the possibilities and the mental burden of carrying legal responsibility on top of internal emotions (grief, guilt, loneliness, despair and hopelessness, possessiveness even, and whatever else himeru has going on).

its smth that strongly gnaws on you. i think everyone who ever had to apply for care/benefits will know how horrible of a process it is.

boring health stuff i tried to look up japanese law surrounding how long-term payment and guardianship is organized and who qualifies for both. i am german so obviously most of my knowledge only concerns the legal situation here, unfortunately. i am Assuming enstars just follows the laws of irl japan and as such at least a considerable chunk of financial burdens should be lifted by the countries mandatory insurance.(70%) BUT the long-term intensive care situation for people under the age of 40 is murky (relevant long-term care laws exist for the elderly and aim to provide financial relief. but idk how theyd handle the case of a teenager, especially one that, we can assume, used to be in the foster system. the jpn foster system is its own can of worms) no surprise, disability/care related payment plans for young people, esp those who have never been employed or paid into insurance, are always like. ridiculously convoluted. sometimes nonexistent. so who knows which laws specifically affect kaname here.

(ore-)himeru mentions him still being at a hospital (in romantic? date chapter 5) so that is a vital clue that this has not been outsourced to some other care facility. so i wonder... how expensive is this currently. must be intense. i am just willing to bet his legal guardian (will get to this in a second) has to make financial efforts, on top of the papers and forms and emotional burden that such an arrangement brings with itself. additionally, its somewhat obvious but ill specify it anyways: we are talking about a full-time in-patient situation. (ore-)himeru mentions the circumstances of kanames current health in chapter 1 of the epilogue of obbligato. (while not fully comatose, kaname is not lucid. he does some vocalizing sometimes but communication is not possible.)

so. HiMERU and all that makes you wonder... are the himerus connected via guardianship. we know from obbligato that kanames mothers is dead, he grew up alone (the tojo family not being in the picture, apparently), and while their father is alive, he was not in a position to care for either of them himself, health-wise. (and financially, i am willing to bet) so, responsibility would just jump to the next relative; that being the adult brother. young adult who barely made it back to the country! but working and adult and insured nonetheless, therefore qualifying.

i would assume (ore-)himeru did not need to step up/wasnt really in the picture either (at least health system databases might not have been aware of him) but he visits him in the hospital. even before that, he attempted to become at least somewhat involved in kanames life by his rough attempts to coach him. and most of all, you know how much kaname means to him. i am just going to assume he claimed him.

and like, thats a shit situation for someone in their early 20s (or however old he is). that would be horrible for anyone in a more stable situation at a more established age.

the emotional baggage of it all. not only have you just met your half brother and just gotten around to the idea of having family, you instantly get it taken from you again. the loss and grief and guilt must be unimaginable.

(ore-)himeru has.... unbelievable issues when it comes to... his attempts to prepare what he thinks would be an ideal life for kaname. whether in hope of one day handing it over or just as a sad tribute to what could have been or an attempt to keep “himeru”, the artistic vision, alive. however much of this is happening in what percentage and on what conscious level.

so to the urge to make “himeru” famous, this would add the absolute need to make himeru famous as a source of steady good income. of course (ore-)himeru is desperate to do well out of pride and love but financially and on paper he would be responsible for two people, adding to the pressure to be as successful as possible.

(additionally, while it does not justify (ore-)himeru’s actions, himeru also dodged a public scandal by staying an idol and performing as per usual. there were no news about an idol being beaten and staying unconscious and that by itself provides protection from the public for kaname. especially since his family is infamous to begin with. i wonder how much this would have mattered.)

matching themes? personally as a disabled person, as far as guadianship and custodianship goes, i have a lot of feelings. we all experienced it when we were younger and probably felt powerless in front of our parents sometimes. so experiencing this in your adulthood is GUTTING. yet, it can be absolutely necessary. and while guardians and custodians are often looked down upon, a lot of them are family members with their heart and mind in the right place, who make good decisions for someone they love. it cannot be underestimated how much paperwork and exhausting+annoying communication with your insurance provider goes into it.

so between this and (ore-)himerus behaviour in general i see a lot of matching themes.... mostly control and perseverance and, ofc, a certain flair of being very very condescending towards the person you are supposed to protect. after all, kaname cannot make any decisions right now, not about his health or “himeru”. and perhaps one day maybe his state will change and he will suddenly be more aware of his surroundings and forced to confront what happened without his influence. and he will find that his brother made responsible comprehensible decisions when it comes to his health but, without any need or agreement, took extreme liberties when it comes to his name. they are both important parts of him and (ore-)himeru having that double responsibilty and going wild with it is scary to me. and probably also scary to him. but he is too deep into it at this point.

idk. does any of this make sense. is this interesting. personally, the added layer of pressure and drama is interesting to me. to me its like... it supports all the themes we find in himeru anyway and makes his struggles worse, it just neatly fits into place.

personal related kaname thoughts will the story ever make him more lucid? who knows! i am terrified, personally, of the possibility.

enstars has its fair share of insensitive to offensive writing and i cannot imagine this going well. i cannot imagine them writing this in a way that is respectful and includes a realistic rehab process that restores a realistic amount of physical and neurological functions. especially since... not gonna lie guys. at this point. idk how much quality of life kaname can regain in his current state.

+the added trouble he would get in because (ore-)himeru, essentially, stole his identity is straight up infuriating. i dont think i have to mention this. where do you even start and TRY to live a normal life after this shit.

and thats sad. bc i love kaname dearly. he is an extremely silly, bratty, lovable character to me and i want the best for him so i have these horribly detailed harsh expectations. maybe it will never happen and ngl, that would be perfectly fine with me, too.

disclaimer etc etc i dont know shit about the japanese health system and if you somehow happen to know how intensive long-term care for an underage person that grew up in the foster system would be financed (like, who is responsible??!?!??!?!) please let me know >:) i love learning about health systems. a lot of the stuff i wrote above is just really basic common sense, i just wanted to talk about it.

[monsterenergysimp]

Permanence

corpse husband x fem!reader 

summary: you meet corpse on a stream and you’re surprised when he reaches out to you 

warnings: cursing, mentions of tattooing

word count: 1.9k

notes: This is proof read but could have missed some stuff. This is my first corpse fic and my first time writing fanfic since I posted that super cringey book on wattpad when I was like 12 or something. I’d appreciate feed back so please reach out to me :)

main blog @itsmysleepover

read part 2 here!

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

You were cleaning up your station so you can get home and stream. You loved your day job as a tattoo artist but you also really enjoyed streaming. It started as a way to promote yourself as an artist and the shop you worked at but it eventually became a really fun way to destress at the end of the week (or day if you were really itching to stream). “Hey Y/N was that your last client?” your boss, KC, asked as she walked to the front of the shop and put new flash drawings on the walls.

“Yes ma’am!” You said back excitedly. You finished cleaning your station and tossed your black gloves in the trash. “And you can’t trick me into staying and taking walk-ins,” you joked with her. She rolled her eyes and walked back into her office “It was one time,” she said as you slid on your jacket. As you walked out your phone buzzed in your pocket and you checked to see who had texted you. It was a message from Sean asking if you were free to play Among Us with him and some other streamers. You replied that you were on your way home right now and totally down. You were excited to see who was playing this time around since their Among Us streams are super entertaining and have gotten really popular.

On your way back you tweeted and posted to your Instagram story that you’d be streaming soon and set up all your stuff once you made it home. After a few minutes, you had a couple of thousand people watching. You entered the discord chat and Sean spoke up. “Everyone this is Y/N she’s sensitive so be gentle.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you guys and I’m not gentle, I'm ruthless,” You say into your mic and notice the chat calling you a liar. Everyone was in the lobby waiting for the game to start. “You sound way too sweet to be ruthless,” Corpse said. The countdown started and you were imposter with Charlie.

“This should be fun,” you told the stream. Yout tried playing strategically but after such a long shift your brain was mush. You saw Poki in nav and killed her then vented into shields. Not long after the body was reported and you were sure you were going to get voted out or at least sussed.

“Where was the body?” Felix asked. “Nav and I didn’t see anyone near there so whoever is imposter must have vented,” Corpse responded. Felix spoke up again. “I think I saw Y/N walk that way and I haven’t seen her since.”

Shit, shit, shit shit. “I’m in shield right now so-” you said trying to defend yourself but Charlie spoke up. “I was doing tasks with her earlier and I saw her walk into shields so she’s safe but I’m still not sure about Rae.” Everyone discussed a bit more and some people, including Corpse, voted for you but Rae got the majority vote and was ejected. You released your breath and kept playing being extra careful.  

“Okay, guys that was super close. Corpse knows and is out to get me,” you said to the chat. You were eventually voted off but one round later victory was written across your screen with your ghost and Charlie’s avatar. “Good game guys,” Corpse said.

“I told you guys I was ruthless!”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

You sat at your station doing nothing because a client had canceled a four-hour session. You were listening to music and sketching some stuff but you were bored out of your mind and you didn’t want to leave in case you got a walk-in. The music got quiet as you received a twitter notification saying someone had messaged you. You reached for your phone and saw you had gotten a dm from Corpse.

C: hey :)

You didn’t know what to respond. You were mostly confused as to why he decided to message you out of the blue. Did he want something? But what would he want?

Y: Hii! This is sudden

C: was i bothering you?

    shit sorry!

Y: Youre fine I wasn’t doing anything rn

C: how has your day been

    i dont usually do stuff like this

Y: Im glad you did im doing better now I was so bored

C: what were you doing that was so terrible

Y: NOTHING! thats the problem :(

C: im sure youll find something to do

You stared at his message. Unsure what to respond.

Y: Im gonna give myself a tattoo

C: what?

    NO!

You tossed the needles you used for your tattoo into the sharps box. “Oh my god you didn’t,” KC said. She noticed the wrap on your calve from the tattoo you just gave yourself out of boredom. “It’s not my fault I didn’t have anything else to do!” You said trying to defend yourself. She sighed and just shook her head. “Just go home business is slow today.” It was raining so the shop probably wasn’t going to get a walk-in anyway and you didn’t have any more clients for the day. It was only 2 pm but you drove home and after making lunch for yourself decided to stream. You weren’t expecting too many people so it was bound to be super chill. Your leg felt sore reminding you of the tattoo. You snapped a quick pic of the fresh jack-o-lantern on the side of your calve and messaged it to Corpse.

Y: [image] it came out nice!

C: thats  super cool actually

    i was concerned why you would just give yourself a tattoo but i found your instagram and       youre super talented

Y: Thank you!

For some reason, it felt strange to just have that be the end of your response.

Y: Im about to start streaming if you wanted to watch

    [link]

C: ill be watching ;)

What’s that supposed to mean?

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

You sat in your apartment watching tv, hand lost in a bag of Doritos, and scrolling through twitter. You had stopped paying attention to the anime playing on the screen since you’ve watched it a hundred times and knew you wouldn’t miss anything. It was Saturday and you usually take those days off. Take the time to do chores or meet up with some friends but today you felt like not doing any of those things. As you continue your endless scroll (not helping the twitter addiction you told yourself you’d try to get a handle on) you got a message from Corpse.

C: wanna talk?

You looked down at the message unsure of how to answer. It was a simple yes or no and the obvious answer was yes. You and Corpse had started talking more regularly. You still didn’t have each other’s phone numbers but it was fine. Your conversations weren’t too big-- just you sending him memes, tiktoks, and telling him how much you liked the songs he would drop. Or him complimenting a tattoo you did. Sometimes he’d message you during streams telling you funny stuff his fans would say in the chat and you’d do the same. You learned a bit about each other but nothing too deep or serious. Like how you two lived a few cities away and you both really liked Donnie Darko. When Sean first invited you to that game out of everyone else there you were most excited to meet Corpse. He’s just so sweet and funny. Of course, you’d love to talk to him but you were also itching to talk to him and the last thing you’d ever want to do was make him uncomfortable.

Y: Yeah id love to talk

Here goes nothing.

Y: Wanna facetime or something?

     No pressure or anything it could even be a regular call

     I think facetime is just my default lol

You sent those last two messages quickly after you had sent the first. You wished you could know what he was thinking. It was killing you to think you had turned him off from talking to you completely. You put your phone down on the couch and went to wash your hand of Dorito dust. When you got back from the kitchen you turned off the tv and tossed yourself onto the couch.

Still no message.

Why am I so fucking stupid?  

Just as you were standing up to stretch from sitting on the couch all day your phone buzzed. You reached for it fast and looked to see that it was him. You became super excited still not even knowing what the message said. It could have told you to never talk to him again for all you knew.

C: sure lets facetime

    xxx-xxx-xxxx

You had his phone number. You added him to your small but growing contact list and called. You sat on your couch waiting for a response when he finally picked up the screen was black. It didn’t upset you; you kind of expected it and didn’t care what he had to do to make himself more comfortable during this call.

“Hey,” he said. His voice was raspier than usual.

“Did you just wake up?” You asked and looked at the time. It was about a little past noon and you had only eaten Doritos all day. Shit, you should probably make a decent meal.

“Not that long ago but yeah,” he responded and giggled. That giggle.

“Well, I’ve eaten nothing but Doritos all day while rewatching Ouran High School Host Club, so you’re welcome to join me as I make myself something to eat.”

“Sounds like fun; what are we eating?”

“I don’t know yet,” You said as you stood up and made your way to the kitchen. You opened the pantry and looked. You noticed a can of diced tomatoes and reached for it then checked the expiration date. It was still good. On your counter were some onions and garlic. “How about some tomato soup?”

“Sounds delicious.” you smiled at Corpse and your phone screen not knowing if he was also looking at his screen or not. “You’re really pretty-- you know that?”

“Thanks, but you don’t have to--”

“I’ve already told you what an incredible artist you are so many times I bet you’re tired of hearing it, but you already know what a talented artist you are.”

“That is very kind of you Corpse,” you said to him bashfully as you chopped the onion and opened the can of tomatoes. “But once again you don’t have to reach so far to compliment me.”

“I’m not reaching you are talented and beautiful and--”

“I thought I was pretty.” You could hear him chuckle with a smile on his face. “You’re both,” he said. You could feel your face getting warm from blushing.

“Fuck you you’re making me blush. My face is all hot and stuff.”

He laughed at how flustered you got. “That’s the cutest thing ever.”

You didn’t know how to respond so you just put some olive oil in a pot and tossed in your onions. It became silent but it was a comfortable silence. You turned the stove on and watched the flame for a few seconds. “If it was dark we could pretend we were together and having a bonfire or something,” you said to the phone as you turned the camera to show him the flame (still not 100 percent sure if he was looking at you or not).

“I’ll put it on the list of things to do when you visit me someday.”

[thefanficmonster]

Begone

Streamer Gang & Asexual Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warnings: Acephobia, Swearing

Genre: Platonic Fluff, Comfort, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Having recently come out as asexual, Y/N faces some less than pleasant or appropriate responses in their chat during their stream with the gang. Luckily, they’re not alone in battling the haters this time.

Requested by the lovely Anon who told acephobes to begone, yeah you know who you are hehe. Thank you so much for the request darling! Let’s show these acehobes who they’re messing with! Love, Vy ❤

Boy is this nerve-wrecking or what? Sure, I maybe woke up with a ton of confidence, I listened to motivational and uplifting talks and listened to mood boosting music. I had a healthy breakfast and a cup of coffee. Damn it, I went on a run, all in an attempt to convince myself that dealing with the online world again is but a piece of cake for a badass like me. Well, low and behold, that feeling didn’t last very long. Here I am, chewing my nails off at the though of hopping in the Discord call and Among Us lobby with my friends and starting my stream. It’s not like I’m not expecting my friends and fans to support me - of course I am! I know they’re gonna give me a ton of love and appreciation and support and uplift me no matter what. But then again, there’s still those people who believe me and other people like me to be invalid and broken and whatnot.

Those are the ones I wanna avoid. 

It’s not like their words mean much to me but I simply don’t wanna see em, you know? It’s not only about me - it’s least about me actually - it’s more about all those wonderful people they are insulting when they say shit like that about asexuals and all the people on the ace spectrum. I can’t help but flare up and get angry on the behalf of all my ace friends and even people I’ve never met.

It’s also my first time being directly thrown into the fire instead of getting caught in the crossfire seeing as how I came out to my fandom via a tweet and an Instagram post a week ago, telling my identity’s truth: finally bringing my asexuality to the surface to shine its brightest so I can be be my best and reach for my full potential.

But damn am I afraid to see how everyone took it. 

My friends were quick to jump in and take me offline before I start refreshing my own posts to see the comments under them. Lord knows that without them I would’ve driven myself insane, I’ll forever be grateful for what they did and the lengths they went to to keep me offline and whatnot. One word to give you an idea of how invested they were in this: origami. All of us might as well have been born with two left hands and yet we still tried doing origami. Freaking origami.

Damn do I love my friends.

But now I don’t have sheets of paper and my friends to distract me. I have a fanbase to entertain and another friend group I haven’t talked to in a while. I don’t wanna get any predictions in already so I don’t jinx myself, so I’m just gonna say it’s gonna be...interesting regardless of what happens.

Then again, when is it not interesting when the streamer gang’s involved.

Deep breaths, Y/N. You got this

Listening to that encouraging little voice inside my head, I finally equip my headphones and in one fluid motion turn my camera on, officially starting my stream and unmuting my mic as I hop in the call with everyone.

“Hi guys! Guess who’s returned!“ I exclaim cheerfully, desperate to hide the nervousness of my voice.

“You really missed your opportunity to say ‘guess who’s back...back again’ didn’t you?“ Charlie is the one who greets me first, sounding rather disappointed in me in his usual jokester manner. It’s nice to hear, it makes me feel like nothing’s changed in the week I’ve been gone. Like I’m still the same person to these people. I really am the same, I just now am a lot better version of myself. Almost as though I’ve reached my final form. It feels empowering really. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” Charlie laughs again, “Congrats, by the way. You keep proving you can get cooler and cooler.“

“Careful there Charlie, I can only handle so large of an ego.“ I joke back, rolling my eyes playfully as a wide grin spreads across my face, “No, but seriously, thank you so much, man. It means the world to me that you support me.“

“Um, how could we NOT?“ That’s very clearly Rae, “Hun, you are so brave and amazing and wonderful, how could we ever NOT support you?“

“Yeah, we’ll always support you no matter what, Y/N. We’ll always be your friends, through thick, thin and beyond.“ Poki too interferes, her words only making my smile wider.

“Alright, alright, y’all are gonna make me cry and I haven’t even read my chat yet, hold on.“ I say, fanning my face to dry the tears I hope the webcam isn’t spotting, “Darn, you guys are the best. Sorry, give me a sec to gather my composure, I’ll be right back.“

I quickly mute my in-game mic as I turn to my chat where I see the same amount of love and support in the form of comments and emojis flooding in from my viewers. A warm feeling spreads throughout my chest, making me feel the most comfortable with myself I’ve ever felt. The most loved I’ve ever felt. The most seen and understood. To finally be you feels like you are finally really living in this world, not like you’ve been already living in it for God knows how long. It makes me so freaking happy and fulfilled to finally be living as me, as the real me.

Unfortunately, in life, nothing can be 100% pure and good. There’s always at least 1% there threatening to ruin all your happiness you worked so hard to build or obtain. It may be one in a hundred, but fuck it’s powerful and effective.

And in my case it comes in the form of two comments that stick out to my eyes. Acephobic comments saying my identity’s fake, claiming I’m faking it, saying us acephobes are immature creatures who refuse to grow up, or attention whores. Or just saying we’re delusional and in denial, confused about who we are.

I hadn’t even realized I was clenching my jaw and fists but when I do, I slowly relax my muscles and crack my knuckles before addressing the two people who spat out that nonsense.

“Ok, listen here, shooterpro69 and yourmom_lol. For starters, I want to apologize for your ignorance and lack of education on the matter of asexuality. In fact, for you especially, I plan on making an educational video, explaining asexuality to people who need or want to learn more. You, my friends, are in desperate need to be fed some knowledge cause damn, God knows how many people secretly think you’re hella stupid. Not that they’re wrong to think so but anyway. Unless you have anything nice or positive to say, begone from my chat. Actually, when I think about it, begone from every chat. No one needs you polluting their communities with acephobia and hate.“ I say, all spoken in a calm tone despite the boiling anger within me. People who know me well would probably be able to tell I’m fuming underneath the calm façade, but at least I got my message across loud and clear.

“WOO HOO, You tell em Y/N!“ Toast cheers, clapping his hands and whistling as more cheering arises from each my friends, leaving me in a state of mild shock and confusion.

Wait, what?!

“Um, wait, you guys heard that?“ I ask, my eyes darting to thein-game mic symbol that shows an not crossed-off mic, meaning it was enabled during the entirety of my speech.

“Hell yeah we did! You slayed them, Y/N! Damn goddamn!“ Rae whistles too, her enthusiasm wafting over me like a breath of fresh air.

“I second that!“ Corpse joins in, “And remember what we said - we’ll support you through anything. Need to bury an acephobe’s body, we’re the people you should call.” He says, confident as heck.

And I just can’t hold it in anymore - I burst out laughing, doubling over from the intensity.

If I thought I was happy and fulfilled before, this has to be the closest to paradise I’m gonna get on Earth.  All thanks to these wonderful people. Friends are really something else aren’t they: they come into your life - often unexpectedly - and change it completely. Suddenly you’re not alone, you’re not forced to deal with everything and face everything on your own. Someone’s got your back and you’ve got theirs.

Through thick, thin and beyond.

And it’s so fucking amazing.

@maat-the-prescriptive  @simonsbluee  @save-the-sky  @itsminniekat  @hacker-ghost  @bi-andready-tocry  @imtiredaffff  @jazzkaurtheglorious  @hereforbeebo  @fandomgirl17  @chrysanthykios  @maehemscorpyus  @loraleiix  @letsloveimagines  @annshit  @i-cant-choose-a-username-help  @enigmaticmaze  @divine-artemis  @waterlilypat  @idontknowwhatthisisfam  @evi-ka  @classyandfabulous00  @redperson58  @lilysdaydreams @solowheein  @mythicalamphitrite  @axen-gers  @luckygirl144  @nj01  @buddyemily   @the-albino-lioness  @stardream14  @gdhdkfnn  @nomadicgypsyy  @preciousskye  @fluffysuicideunicornsworld  @o-kaelin  @manacharlotte  @awkward-youtube-trash  @lolalee24  @bonky-beerns  @meme-lord-and-savior-sebastian  @strawbrinkofdeath  @teenloves  @tams0527  @browneyespinkhair  @starstruckllamapuppy  @daisychains012  @y0ulooked  @tinytacosuitcaseflap @supernatural-is-my-only-life  @jula-pauline  @melodykitty  @just-that-bi-girl  @crazybutconfidentaf  @lowellshade @alphakees  @bellero  @weallneednamjesus  @starryhanji  @boiled-onionrings  @husherstan  @fockingwhore  @melaningoddessthings  @prettypastelpetals  @haleypearce  @godwhyamiawkward  @y-napotat  @daisychainyoonmin  @little-miss-rebel3  @free-wheelin-bi-sexual  @redmoon261 @darkacademic2  @wiseflamingoqueen  @into-the-end  @namikhai-i  @nastiablr  @thelittleplantlover  @mirktuan  @dont-hyuck @jjk-bunny  @vintagegothlover  @easygoingtheatre  @itsrandombooklover  @miiaivi  @emmybaybee  @befourgolden  @jjk-is-my-shit  @eternalteaaars  @spacebadgerx  @princesslunalight  @acequinn14  @samm48  @misselsbells06 @simp-lykawa  @fo-love  @marishimomura-blog  @therealglenncoco  @cinnamonbun332  @killtherandomness  @sanshinexxxsan  @fee-btheweeb  @press-lay  @cathleenpotgieter16  @jazzydoesstuff  @moonlxghtbay  @forestrain2000  @hyunjinhugs  @blood-of-fandoms  @lovellylies  @ukiyolixx  @simpforhpcharacters  @chrisdylan17  @parkerjisung  @pedernille  @theodonyous  @wineandionysus  @malfoystilinskii05  @morbid-x  @coryisagee  @jessewa26  @scoobydooluver97 @mindintheskies365  @raeanneinwonderland  @indecisive-empanada  @gluttonypalace  @loriane2503  @btsiguess-kpop  @khaoticbunny  @lucidlycactus  @smiithys  @rottenroyalebooks  @kpopgirlbtssvt  @fangirl-tc27  @fr0z3n-1  @notmesimpingfortechno  @shotarosleftpinky  @kunoi-chan  @idk-whats-wrong-with-me  @yikeroonie  @goldenstarofthunderclan  @poetry-and-tea  @ama-do-writing-stuff  @wishbonewolf  @emeraldxhope  @t0xick1tty  @kusuinko  @speakyourselfloveyourself  @sophia902103  @lo-manburg  @classsykittykat  @dmgama  @depressedpuppythatneedscoffee  @btsiguess-kpop  @akaashi-baby  @gun-jong-simp  @geschichtenfee  @yerapotato-wp  @browneyedgirl365  @thysagclub  @sparklycloudnight  @helloatomicshadow  @queentorresstuff @vtte @val-gal  @lucy-bunny17  @aaliyahh0  @katluckybear  @boyleanti  @straybids  @franchesca-791  @cosmicstorm19  @averyisbackinthetrashcan  @aomi-nabi  @xlanawriter  @allensimpsforcorpse  @sunnyrae-cessh  @ladykxxx08  @meowiemari

[alextturcotte]

there are just a bunch of rants besties. yall better buckle up for this one💀

these aren’t directed at anyone in particular, this is just what i’ve noticed after being on tumblr for a while💀 also these are my opinions so you dont have to agree with anything, this is just me ranting lol

rant #1

i actually can not believe that there are STILL people on this app supporting trevor zegras. Are y’all high or something?! Because the last time i checked he SA’d a girl and liked trump’s tweets. I do not care if “the girl actually lied about it” you ALWAYS believe the victim and honestly i have not ONCE seen the evidence that he did not. I see so many anons and people defending him saying that it was proven false and all a lie, like um ok where is the proof? Show me rn. As soon as a blog asks where the proof is, all of a sudden that anon disappears and doesn’t get back to them. Something isn’t adding up there. The whole liking the trump tweets situation i can kinda understand why TZ did it (and a bunch of other athletes as well), the dude is an athlete and wanted the country to “reopen” so that he could obviously play the sport he’s passionate about but even with saying that, it doesn’t justify that it’s literally trump. I am 100% NOT defending him or any other athletes actions. 

rant #2 

why do some people actually have the audacity to get mad when a hockey player gets into a relationship... please explain that to me because i don’t understand that logic whatsoever. Like I get that you have a crush on them but babes you can’t act like they were even yours, to begin with. You can’t go living life thinking your favourite hockey player is going to stay single forever, it doesn’t work that way. I’ll never understand why people get so butthurt and throw a fit because of it. Also, the fact that some people have to bring their fav players’ S/O down to get some sort of validation and make themselves feel good is the most fucked up shit EVER. I saw a post on here that said something along the lines of “it’s always girls supporting girls until they start dating ur favourite hockey player. They all of a sudden have all these faults and flaws” and that is SO TRUE. Everyone can be like “omg this person is so pretty” and shit like that till they start dating someone. All of a sudden they’re a bad person, they’re a slut, they’re not pretty anymore, not in that person’s league, etc. Just you what?! STFU!! Stop being a fucking jealous bitch and get on with your life. I don’t get why people do this. I honestly have more things to say about this but that’s for another time. 

rant #3 this one might be a little controversial but i'm willing to risk it all

The fact that we’re sexualizing hockey players that have a family makes me feel icky. Like bro, they have a literal CHILD and you’re writing fics about their parent and sexually talking about them.... They also are fucking MARRIED TO SOMEONE. I know that wags don’t really care about that stuff but it still feels almost wrong to me. I get that people find them hot and stuff but idk it just feels weird and off. And i know that no matter what people are going to do this anyway but for me it just makes me feel super weird and uncomfortable. So personally i try and avoid when people talk about sexualizing them. I’m definitely 100% NOT shaming anyone who does, just to make that crystal clear and i’m definitely NOT judging anyone who does. This is more for me and what I'm comfortable with. No hard feelings to anyone!! 

rant #4 

I absolutely hate when blogs on here act like they’re all shit and know everything and just all around act like they don’t need to listen to anyone. Like, calm the fuck down becky, get off your high horse and stop acting like that. You don’t need to make other blogs feel bad just because they didn’t know something that apparently “everyone knows”. It’s just fucking exhausting and annoying to see. You don’t need to make other people feel dumb so that you feel smart. Like hate to break it to you but you’re just making yourself look fucking entitled and a complete bitch. Another thing is that they always have to be “different”. They can’t put the *keep reading* for fics, they can’t put fucking trigger warnings on posts, they can’t be respectful when lbing a game. They don’t bother reading a whole post and reading the tags because i’ve seen a few times where someone shows their face and says VERY VERY clear that they do not want it reblogged but some people actually just go ahead and do it anyways like why can’t you just be respectful to others and stop acting like you’re all that. When someone calls them out on something they always say that “oh i didn’t realize” or “oh i’m sorry I’ll remember that for next time” like bro very disrespectfully shut the fuck up. I’m so so sick of blogs acting so entitled and so fucking selfish. And to kinda tie into the TZ situation and just bad players in general, it’s the fact that y’all know they’re bad people and yet you choose to support them and shit but as soon as what they did is brought up again you jump on the bandwagon and pretend to care but as soon as it all dies down you got straight back to supporting them. That’s the one thing i will genuinely never understand.

[faemytho]

I’m not really in the hazbin hotel fandom ((I love the show don’t get me wrong I’m just not in the fandom)) but I kinda wanna see what you mean? Also I figure you’re still okay with people shipping him just either the fact that people ignore that canonical he is aroace sex repulsed or use it as a “oh we just have to fix him” trope (which fuck that trope)

Same asker that admitted to not really being in the hazbin hotel fandom but liking the show- thought it over and i actually don’t know how you could do Alstser (can’t spell bare with me) without having him as aroace sex repulsed without having him look barely anything like the original- maybe apart from that fic you made a while back

-

okay so, in regards to this post i made earlier about aroace romantic/sex repulsed alastor, that was a headcanon. (i said, and i quote, its canon bc i said so, but in reality ive fooled u all it was just a headcanon i even said so in the tags)

my headcanons aside, alastor IS canonically ace, as referenced by this tweet below (and hey, canon bi character!!! we love that!!)

there is also a footnote on the HH wiki that says alastor is aromantic as well, but the footnote links to a four hour stream video, and i do not actually have the patience to comb through it to see if that's true or not (or if it even came from the mouth of vivzie)

uh, yeah. here's the link to the stream, in case anyone wanted it/was curious.

canonicities aside, lets get one thing out of the way:

i am all for ignoring canon, using fandom to do whatever you want, ect ect, all power to the fans and whatnot, do what you want and be free because its fiction

which means, yes, i am 1000% okay with people shipping alastor with whoever they want! with angel, with charlie, with husk, with vaggie, with nifty, ect ect ect, i don't care, ship what you want, be free, live your best life.

my problem, though, is this: literally nobody in this fandom knows how to write an ace character. and when they do write him as "ace", its OFFENSIVE.

i cannot COUNT the amount of alastor fics ive read where he's supposedly written as asexual (and its usually even tagged in the fic tags, "asexual character"), then ends up sexually attracted to his given partner for that fic, and when they actually go to do the deed, alastor is infantilized to, well, hell and back. and by that, i mean a few things.

he either:

doesn't understand his sudden sexual attraction and/or sexual feelings

doesn't understand what's going on during the sex scene

doesn't know the proper terms for body parts and sexual processes

is HIGHLY feminized and is categorized as "submissive" while the partner becomes the "dominant" and continues on with the sex scene

not only is that fourth one misogynistic and homophobic (an entire other can of worms about how feminine sub/masculine dom in homosexual relationships enforces toxic heteronormativity, aka, the idea that one must "be the girl" and one must "be the man"), but all four of these together are aphobic when you realize, "hey, alastor is an ace character".

off my point a little bit, but ANY relationship (gay, straight, and/or otherwise) should not be using sub/dom as a model to follow - sub/dom is a BDSM kink thing; it should NOT be the normalized sex model for ANY relationship.

there's nothing wrong with kink! but doing BDSM wrong can severely hurt/mentally damage either partner if done incorrectly. normalizing it means that so many young people don't actually understand what sub/dom actually means, and even less the consequences if done wrong.

but back to my point: asexual people get infantilized. and we get infantilized often, because people think "oh, you're not interested in sex/you've never had sex, so you must not 1) know anything about it, 2) know anything about the real world and how nitty gritty it is to survive out here"

basically, ace people get treated like children. a lot.

here is a fantastic article that explains the rampant infantilization of both aro and ace people, and why it is aphobic to do that.

i highly recommend you all read the article, because it is fantastically well written and concise. here's my favorite paragraph:

"Society conditions us to believe that a lack of romantic or sexual attraction is a transitory period. This viewpoint assumes an inevitable progression from a nonsexual to sexual state of being that marks entry into adulthood. Similarly, engaging in romantic relationships is recognized as a milestone of maturity. This stereotyping results in the infantilization of all aromantic and asexual spectra people, especially those who are entirely romance and/or sex-averse. It also incorrectly characterizes asexual people as sex-negative, even though personal sex-aversion and general sex positivity are not mutually exclusive. Moreover, the idea of “being ready” to progress from friendships to romantic and sexual relations undermines the value of platonic relationships, which are integral to our community."

i'm going to move on to one more point, because i know if i don't, i'll get SO many alastor allo-pologist authors whining and screaming about how ace people can have sex too

and yes, here's the thing: asexual people can have sex, can want to have sex, can be sex positive... but that doesn't change the fact that to be not-asexual (or allosexual, if you'd like to use proper terms), you have to be sexually attracted or experience sexual attraction - WHICH IS NOT THE SAME THING AS HAVING A LIBIDO, AND ITS NOT SOMETHING ACE PEOPLE CAN DO/HAVE.

what ace people can have:

a libido

sex

sexual arousal

sex drive

kinks

a partner they're not necessarily sexually attracted to, but trust to have sex with them anyways

what ace people can't have (unless they're not actually ace and are instead allosexual):

sexual attraction to someone

wanting to have sex with a specific person because of this attraction (a partner, celebrity, people they find explicitly attractive)

still confused? don't be!

here's a post where i better explain the difference between sexual attraction vs sexual drive and what that means for ace people

to close this out, im going to attempt to summarize why im so pissed about this.

alastor is canonically asexual.

he may be sex negative, sex neutral, or sex positive; we don't know, but this is fandom and we're allowed to headcanon him however we wish - we can even headcanon him as not asexual!

which is great, yea, but when the ace character is the fan favorite...

people constantly and consistently write alastor as "ace".

which would be GREAT! if they ever did it correctly.

here's what i see most often. instead of headcanoning him as not asexual, they've heard something about how ace people can have sex anyways!

so for woke points, they slap their alastor ship/sex fics with the "asexual character" tag, and write alastor in one of two ways

uwu baby "ive never said a bad word in my life and i dont understand how the world works" asexual

allosexual, but call him ace anyways

both of those are aphobic. i have yet to come across ONE fic where alastor's asexuality (negative, neutral, or positive) is written, and labeled, CORRECTLY.

you know, it actually hurts MORE when he's written as "ace (actually allo)" than it does if people just headcanon him as not asexual.

alastor is a successful serial killer. he has spent decades in hell.

ALASTOR IS A SUCCESSFUL SERIAL KILLER. HE HAS SPENT DECADES IN HELL.

and you cowards are going to write him as inexperienced, ""innocent"", sexually uneducated?? i think the fuck NOT.

NOT ONLY THAT.

alastor lived through the roaring 20s. the flapper movement. the harlem renaissance. AND the sexual revolution of the 1920s. HE LIVED THROUGH ALL OF THAT. and you're going to act like he doesn't know what sex is?? we even KNOW he lived through all that because he says it himself, "i havent been that entertained since the stock market crash of 1929", and 1929 was the end of all those movements and the beginning of the great depression - and then alastor died in 1933 after living a successful serial killer life in louisiana.

tell me again, why wouldn't alastor know what sex is or how it works? and if you can't, THEN STOP WRITING HIM LIKE THAT.

please please PLEASE educate yourself before you write an asexual character. ESPECIALLY if you're going to write them with a libido, and actually ACTING on that libido.

thank you.

sincerely, an exhausted sex positive asexual.

[neverheardnothing]

thanks for the tag @willroland :)

why did you choose your url?

well i grew up on the internet in the early 2010s so i was obsessed with starkid which lead to musical theater in general which lead to dear evan hansen which lead to will roland which lead to be more chill which lead to joe iconis and that hasn’t lead anywhere else because i’m so far up this man’s ass he could tell me to jump and i’d give him 5 million dollars for a bloodsong of love revival. anyway. funny enough it was because i was so up will roland’s ass that i gave joe iconis’ music outside of bmc a chance (back when he tweeted out a thread of joe iconis songs the night before the tonys). and he was right. he has taste even if all i see from him nowadays is globe twitter. anyway. never heard nothing (along with the bar song, try again, and last on land) is the quintessential joe iconis song in my humble opinion. but also my opinion is backed up by joe so. i’ll just let him say it.

here’s a link to the song. listen to it if you have any interest in joe iconis and his work.

any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them

yeah this is actually a sideblog. my main is @cockbiteproductions which is personal + rooster teeth. every day i want to throw rocks at mcyt fans but i myself am a rooster teeth fan and so my house is very glass and breakable. and then there’s marvel @sebastianskywalker (can you guess who was excited by the idea of sebastain stan playing young luke? lol). star trek @jimtiberivskirk. star wars @fulcrumahsoka. anime @kvchiki. and that’s the important ones. i use this one and my main the most though. which is already almost not at all these days.

how long have you been on tumblr?

hahahahahaha. 2012. fuck.

do you have a queue tag?

yeah it’s “swiss fucking queue” which is from when michael jones says “swiss fucking cheese goddammit” in his impossible game rage quit. everyone on my main gets it but i hope anyone who sees it on my sideblogs gets confused because it’s the same queue tag across all my blogs.

why did you start your blog in the first place?

i was about to say “well my first blog was fandom” and then i realized that applies to literally all of them. so yeah. fandom. i generally make a sideblog when i want to make new fandom friends because none of my current friends are into the thing i am into. it works well.

why did you choose your icon/pfp?

will roland. because will roland. when my bio said “joe iconis and will roland” it wasn’t lying. but anyway i like projecting on characters wrol plays.

why did you choose your header?

it’s off this set lol. same photoshoot as the one from my icon.

what’s your post with the most notes?

lol it’s this shit gifset i made of nik dodani as jared in the deh movie trailer. he actually reposted a video of him scrolling through it on his insta story. which is unfortunate because it looks like shit. i usually have flux on while using any device and i turned it off while making this but i guess my brain is just fucked about it now because it’s 1. way not bright enough 2. way too yellow. ugly as shit.

how many followers do you have?

on this blog? uh i think getting close to 400 idk tho. idc. i just come here to scream about musical theater i rarely care about clout.

how many people do you follow?

idk around 750. a girls gotta sustain like 5 different blogs. that + never using tumblr anymore means i never see what anyone posts ever unless i go to their blog directly lol.

have you made a shitpost?

this blog is 1/3 shitpost 1/3 rando reblogs 1/3 ranting about joe iconis shit no one else cares about

how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ post?

im spiteful so it’s an immediate no reblog from me. but i also dont really blog about social justice or anything much anymore. so unless a post has drastically altered how i think about a topic for the better i dont reblog it.

do you like tag games?

yeah! they’re fun. i’ll take any opportunity to talk about myself. + i generally learn something about the person who tagged me.

do you like ask games?

yeah! i get too anxious about reblogging them though lol i dont want people to think i want attention even though im an evil little attention whore.

which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

famous? on this sideblog? no one lol. not necessarily famous but @nothingunrealistic is probably one of the people that has the most longevity in the deh fandom on here so they have a decent amount of followers from that i assume. @unproduciblesmackdown and @kkamikazed also draw good fucking art so they get clout like that lol. i think @annabelle--cane is also like. decently large? idk. no one in this tiny niche subsection of musical theater tumblr is really tumblr famous though. that’d be a nightmare lol. wait there might be one person i think that’s a sideblog but i can’t remember who lol.

do you have a crush on a mutual?

thank fucking god no. could you imagine?

well i already mentioned @nothingunrealistic​ @unproduciblesmackdown @kkamikazed and @annabelle--cane earlier so i guess them. only if yall wanna tho. also @talkfine​ @rovermcfly​ if yall wanna do this. and anyone who wants to talk about themself go for it.

[meanminyxrd]

punchdrunk but it’s andreil based

hey losers i’m back with another song analysis, as always. i have a playlist for my andreil vibes if you’re curious, here it is. i actually have a lot but this one is for my slightly sad yearning andreil vibes. 

anyways, today we are covering punchdrunk by vaines. i really really enjoy this song for them and i hope i can covey it!! let’s go (:

I remember driving your car 'cause I never had one

And if I did I probably would’ve crashed it

And if I died who would’ve cared?

Maybe you would cry sometimes

Maybe you would just be fine

Because I know we weren’t in love

You just wanted to pass the time

(And that was alright)

the first line of this is pretty black and white. neil driving andrew’s car <3333 that’s it that’s the tweet. when he’s saying he’d crash one if he had his own its because he has to destroy a lot and leave stuff behind because of his past. he constantly is working to hide his past from the FBI. furthermore, he thought he was going to die for the majority of the books, and when he died, who was supposed to care? he had no one. it was this ‘me, myself, and i’ mentality because that was what kept him alive. he was constantly in danger, and when he was with andrew that’s why he made him take away the promise; he didn’t want andrew hurt because of his actions. by saying ‘maybe you would cry sometimes, maybe you would be just fine’ shows how he doesn’t think andrew actually cares ab him because 1. neil is an oblivious fuck and 2. andrew is a raging tsundere. andrew is always like ‘i dont like u’ blah blah, explaining the line ‘because i know we weren’t in love you just wanted to pass the time’ but neil was okay w it; ‘and that was alright’

I got it bad and I feel so lonely

Thought I wanted love I just wanted you

Now we’re together but you don’t even know me

But I’m stuck, what am I gonna do?

uhhh, like, poor fuckin neil man. he really had it bad for this man i really dunno how he survived when andrew was in the mental hospital HAHA. but fr he must have been so lonely, never allowing himself to make attachments, and then he makes this really skewed one with some midget maniac and then that same man goes to a hospital. that can’t have been a fun time (and it wasn’t).

‘thought i wanted love i just wanted you’, god, i love this line. remember when he looks at nicky and matt to see if he feels anything different? sees if he feels attracted to them, but he doesnt? he thinks he’s just craving affection after all this time, but no, its andrew he craves, it’s andrew he wants and chooses.

‘now we’re together but you dont even know me’ this motherfucker is living behind this silly ‘neil’ persona for a time when he’s with andrew and andrew only has this red headed man built of half truths. ‘now im stuck, what am i gonna do?’ he can’t run away like he’s used to because now he cares about andrew and he’s promised to stay.

Guess I’ll stick around

Being with you is only making me feel

Like I’m further from you then I’ve ever been

But I’m right there when you call me 'cause I’m so lonely

I don’t wanna bring it to an end

now, neil stays because he promised andrew he would, and andrew makes him feel so different and special and happy. but also while he’s with andrew he feels so far away because he isn’t being himself and andrew keeps denying whatever this,,, scuffed relationship is. but whenever andrew initiates contact, asks him yes or no, tells him to meet him somewhere or do something, neil is THERE in a heartbeat because he’s so caught up with the idea of andrew and he doesn’t want what they have to ever end even tho he’s convinced it will, one day, come to that point.

I remember feeling so young

Nothing's gonna bring me down

And if you jumped I would’ve followed

All the way down to the bottom

Better days are over now

Everything is slowing down

And you still won’t say it’s love

You just wanna pass the time

Fine

being with andrew brings him up, makes him happy, makes him FEEL something. nothing was gonna take him away from that. he would have followed andrew anywhere because he quite literally trusted andrew with his life. but the good days are over, (cut to baltimore) he’s being fucked up by his dad’s men and he thinks he’s gonna die then (cut to post baltimore) andrew does all this shit for him but STILL says he doesnt care ab neil and he just wants to pass the time. and neil is like, fine, what the fuck ever. if this is just a cheap fuck then by god im going to enjoy it while it lasts. and he’s starting to think andrew might feel *something*, but there’s no confirmation that can be seen by our lovely oblivious lil man.

Don’t stop, I know that it’s not what

I want but I need somebody to be mine

Oh god, I can’t tell you what’s up

I’m so deep in punch drunk, dumb love

I don’t ever wanna wake up

he doesnt want to be tied down. trusting someone and staying in one place for a long time? no. no way. that’s not something that neil abram josten does. he does not stay, he does not trust anyone, and by god he does NOT fall in love. but he gets to a point where he needs andrew. all he can think of in the hospital is the foxes and andrew, god, ANDREW, the prick he’s fallen in love with and can’t get out of love with. and he begs andrew to let him stay (post baltimore, hotel scene) because he NEEDS to stay, he NEEDS the foxes but more importantly he NEEDS andrew. but he’ll leave if he has to. he’ll leave if andrew asks him to because he cares more about andrew than he does himself, but he can’t explain any of this to andrew, because he’s never felt this before and he doesnt know what he’s even feeling. he just knows that somewhere along the line he fell head over heels into this situation for andrew and god he doesnt think he’ll ever be ready for it to end.

Got me brainwashed, everything is hazy

Am I killing time? Are you killin' me?

Mind games daily, why do I let you play me?

Do you get high watching me bleed?

(Now I’m bleeding out)

this part, for me, is more so a cut to the first book when andrew is just fuckin manic 24/7 because of his drugs. he drugs neil (brainwashed, hazy) and kidnaps him. neil is so stressed out by this situation that he doesn’t know who is winning in this stupid war he has with this psycho midget (am i killing time? are you killing me?). we all know andrew joseph minyard LOVES to torment neil even when shit is chill so he plays mind games with him constantly, and neil just lets it happen, because that’s who neil *is*. nathaniel wouldn’t stand for this shit, but that’s not the personality he’s portrayed and he isn’t eager to break character; not yet. and andrew always is so damn HAPPY, no matter what, bc of the drugs (again, first book for this verse). so the ‘do you get high watching me bleed?’ is like neil being like, do u really enjoy watching everyone around you hurt?? are you actually happy with all of this?

Running in circles while you hurt me, guess I deserve it

'Cause I just keep on worshiping you again and again

And I’m there when you call me 'cause I’m so– *beep*

I don’t want the misery to end

this part is a little tricky to explain canonically, i guess, but i attribute it once more to andrew denying his feelings. nora never explains it in the books, but i know from experience that this is SUCH a confusing scenario to be in. to have someone acting like they care and speaking differently. and neil must have been so confused (running in circles) but he feels he deserves it because it isnt like he’s trying to leave or anything, and he’s always there when andrew asks because like it or not, he’s attached. even tho this confusion sucks sometimes, and the whole hearted belief he has that andrew really does not care hurts beyond belief inside, he buries those feelings because he isnt ready to let andrew go.

that’s pretty much all of it; can you tell i’m obsessed with andreil?? i just love them so much. they’re so special to me. like, i dont think either of them ever saw a relationship coming; it just happened, and that’s what is so inherently beautiful to me about them. it started with a kiss, a ‘yes or no?’ and escalated from there. neil expected one day andrew was going to get bored of him, just like andrew always said he was. but he never did. he never will. 

so yeah!! hope u enjoyed xoxo see y’all soon <3

[indecisive-v]

NINJAMUFFIN DOING ANOTHER AMA ON TWITTER, HERE'S MORE SHIT FOR YA! keep in mind i'm just sharing the funkin related stuff, though i am including WAAAAY more than what i shared before 👍 go check out ninja's twitter profile for questions about stuff like ritz! questions in blue, answers in orange. if yall don't wanna read everything i MIGHT make a version of this post where i replace the answers with my own summaries of em (and if the questions are long, those too)

and here's a link to the ama tweet itself! dunno if it's still goin

Q: I figure the answer will be yes but do you have more plans to implement more guest appearances from people in the newgrounds community into FNF? Or are you all gunna focus on OG lore and stuff going forward

A: for guest appearances, I think we have always seen it as getting a healthy mix of both. PERSONALLY I'd like to lean towards having more OG stuff than guest stuff, BUT it's all a matter of what other boys think of that as well. I'm not the sole person working on game!

Q: Are you gonna release the full FNF game or are you gonna be releasing week after week? Like, are you gonna release week 8 or are we gonna wait some years until The Full Ass Game comes out?

A: Release plan for FNF right now is a few more updates or whatev to the 'demo' we have out right now, and then a long silence of probably no updates whatsoever until the full game is done (which will likely be a few years). That's partly why we made kickstarter for game.

Q: Hey so like, how much will Fnf cost after it's finished? And when will you ask the supporters what they want the game on?

A: It's all subject to change, but right now it prob gonna be standard 15-25$ lil steam indie game.

We will ask Kickstarter pledgers and whatnot what they want the game on SUPER close to when its released, to keep options open if we get onto anything like a console people want.

Q: 1. how was your day

2. are you releasing a week 8 song early like week 7, or are you goin full lockdown

A: I am doing GOOD today, and I think recently I've been good in general.

up to the mood, but so far we doing good about not having anything leak or whatev, so I think it'd be fun to have update come out with people not knowing what to expect at all. Build dat intrigue

Q: Will fnf ever get official plushies?? Seems like an untapped market

A: FNF plushies will prob happen some point, we have a lot of current merch stuff on our plates already though! (Mostly kickstarter type stuff, shirts, pins, posters, and all the physical OST stuff) Its a lot to sort out, but in time more and more stuff will happen. We r jus 4 boys!

Q: did you ever expect your game to blow up as it did? what was your first reaction to seeing it become super popular

A: FNF never had a humble moment, literally day 1 before the prototype even came out, the vid on twitter had like 5K likes overnight. Then when ludum dare version came out, it got 5K likes again, like it wasnt just a fluke. Was crazy, and def felt like somethin was different wit FNF

Q: Do you plan on getting other people to come in to help with the music? That seems like a lot of work to dump on one person, what with the erect mode and whatnot.

I guess the question could apply to all aspects of development. Will you be bringing on more people to help?

A: We definitely are getting help from other people. We are always keeping an eye on people for various different things. In terms of programming, already I've gotten 2 people (MtH and Geokureli) to help with certain Week 7 stuff (charting/polish, and loading stuff). Shit like dat

Q: Oh, also, will the Steam version be Workshop compatible? That'd really help streamline the process of downloading mods.

A: Steam version of FNF will likely NOT be Steam workshop compatible, because we want all the mods to NOT be spread out through different places. There WILL be modding support that is as streamlined as Steam workshop though. Mainly for non-steam versions of the game!

Q: Are there any chances that the game will have a physical release? Also any updates on a switch port? I remember one of you guys talking/joking about it.

A: Not impossible for FNF to get a physical release. We would want to see how far we could go with it though. I think it'd be super easy to do something wit people like LimitedRun games or whatev, but I think stuff like that can only go so far. I wanna see Funkin in mf Walmart!!!!!!

not that LimitedRun isn't going to be an option! Just we consider and pursue many different things! FNF release is years away, so we have time to think about everything. Whole mindset can be different just a few months from now.

Q: Out of curiosity, how are you dealing with all the popularity? It blew up so fast id barely be able to handle it if I was in your shoes.

A: The only way I've been able to handle it is having the other boys on the crew and being able to talk to them about all the overwhelmingness.

Part of it feels very lonesome, feels like NO ONE can come close to comprehending exactly how I'm feeling, except them. also other PALS!!!

Q: Do you own any of the bootleg FNF merchandise? Like any bootleg plushies or anything?

A: i dont, i genuinely think they r a waste of money, and I know any bootleg shit that gets made, we can prob go about and make it, and make it 100x cooler because we actually put effort into shit. bootleg shit just in it for the coin, so they aint gettin that from me

Q: How did you go about getting in contact with sr pelo for skid and pumps vocals?

A: Pelo i think was familiar and pals wit PhantomArcade a bit thru various Newgrounds things and collabs and whatnot.

pelo retweeted the first OG FNF posts first ever, and brought a LOT of attention to it. to pay him back, we put skid and pump in game! ask dave for more info prob

Q: what's the plan for having the full ass game open source if it's gonna cost money? couldn't people just download the source and compile the game for free?

A: when FNF is fully released, the full source code will be released as well.

the game will be DRM free so it will be way easier for people to redistribute the released/offical .exe instead of compiling it, so that's not the issue anyways. people will pay for things if they like it

Q: What are the chances of it getting on consoles like switch or Playstation, ps5 would definitely be my preferred way to play

A: it'd be a matter of hiring someone to build out backend stuff for those specific consoles. someone who knows their way around all the wacky code stuff, AND knows console hardware stuff. Then its just a matter of hittin up those console manufacturers (Sony, Microsoft, or Nintendo)

the CLOSEST one is SWITCH. pretty much all of that backend is already made, so it just a matter of gettin all that access and shit.

i think in any case though, there's a lot of NDA stuff required, i dunno how much we'd be able to talk about it even IF we get that stuf sorted

Q: any ideas of releasing it on epic store or another platform?

A: Right now, the only thing that is 100% confirmed and WILL happen is a Steam version, itchio version, and mobile versions on respective app stores. Other storefronts aren't out of the picture though, but we don't want to spread ourselves too thin with it.

Q: Will you continue using HaxeFlixel to make the rest of FNF?

A: yes, because it is what I'm the most technically proficient in, and generally is VERY flexible. just a matter of ME becoming a better coder. It's ALL open source, so if I need something done a certain way, either I can do it, or we can hire someone to do it.

Q: have you seen game theory's videos on your game yet and if so, what do you think about them? (not talking about his predictions because i dont want spoilers. i like mystery)

A: it is always good silly fun to watch the Game Theory vids about Funkin with some pals, and see what matpat thinks of the game. i lov the vids, but wish he used my face less! Or at least used a cuter pic of me like this one!!

Q: Ok so: What does the future of FNF look like to you?

A: future of FNF is a rhythm game that not only exceeds every expectation that people have of it, but subverts most expectations and conventions as well.

Q: Do you plan on retouching on older weeks once the game is fully out? Like reanimating sprites, redoing some charting, updating the background, etc

A: retouching and probably overhauling certain aspects is almost definitely gonna happen. Everything is fluid and can be changed (and should be changed when necessary). i dont think anything should be too attached to, especially this early on in development

Q: I honestly do not care if the answer to this is vague as hell to keep surprises and shit lol but… Since Week 7 was the closest we’ll get to a playable girlfriend (still bf controlling tho), do you have plans to make girlfriend playable in spin-off things or just freeplay?

A: wouldnt be out of the picture for a playable GF, i don't think we've had some hard thing AGAINST it. just a matter of what we want out of the game, and what sort of story or whatev we could do with that concept

Q: How do BF and GF manage to meet famous newgrounds characters (such as pico, tankman and the others to come) like is this all in one universe/ timeline or are they being brought in?

A: i think they are all just there existing. i think there's a lot of wacky things in other media that try to justify crossovers, like MULTIVERSE bullshit or TIMELINE shit, but i dunno, its like subspace emissary. Captain Falcon and Olimar from Pikmin just hang out. Shit like dat

disclaimer that all lore shit is in phantomarcade head pretty much and maybe there is wacky dimensions or somethin

Q: Will the game have dlc?

A: its not too unlikely that we'd have expansions of some sort, but i mean right now we plan on packing in as much as we can into base game, and trying to make that as pure as possible.

if there is ANY dlc, i would personally want it to be 100% free updates

Q: How did you meet Phantom Arcade, Kawai Sprite, and EvilSker? And what do you think about the community and its controversies?

A: me and phantomarcade been fukin around NG for years so years and years ago we naturally crossed paths and became pals

about 2 years ago i found kawaisprites music on NG, and started talkin wit him, made Ritz wit him and we fell in lov

and evilsk8r i met cuz of FNF!!!

quik elaborate on evilsk8r, wanted artist for gamejam FNF was for (ludum dare), and OG person i asked wasnt available, so he referred me to evilsk8r, who I have never met or talked to before ever.

[seblore]

everyday i wake up and you still havent posted your evermore rant </3

there u go boo 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

GDBDNSKDJHHDDNDS GIRL................ ok so i very cleverly avoided ranking folklore because every song REALLY HIT and the whole album was just SO.. SO.. yeah. i can however rank miss evermore. i dont want to compare the two album i do not get the point in that. both give off really different vibes. now what i will say is with folklore, AS AN ALBUM, it is just a master masterpiece. The songs flowed amazingly with each other and really held you close the entire first listen. at least thats what I felt like <3 with evermore however, the individual songs are OMG!!! THERE IS LITERALLY NO SONG I DONT LIKE FROM ANY OF THE TWO ALBUMS. but as an album on the first listen i did feel a bit disconnected from evermore which didnt happen to me with folklore. why i think that might’ve happened is BECAUSE taylor is just so brilliant m8.... the MASSIVE contrasting emotions between the songs was too much for my little brain to handle.

Ok so now that’s out of the way dhsjsk time for rankings :) i have no idea where im going to put each song im just going to make it up as we go <3 ill ALSO give you my fave lyrics from each if I remember it <333 (oh and also you’ll notice marjorie isnt here. im sorry but i never listened to it after the first listen because it hits a little too close to home and i dont want to unpack all of that now im sorry! it is a beautiful song)

14. Closure: she popped off <3 she really said dont treat me like a situation that needs to be handled 💃🤙💯 a beautiful song with beautiful lyrics HOWEVER its the first song i couldnt connect with thus it’s down here BUT I STILL WOULD LISTEN TO IT ON REPEAT THO... the last in my ranking but still fucks 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️ thats taylor swift 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

13. long story short: i have never been in a relationship ever BUT GODDAMN ���pushed from the precipice, clung to the nearest lips’ hdjsksksjjddjnBbdns jddd ubebs!:!?:?:$3&39383$hzjs WOAH.... and this bitch really summarized the full 2016 drama with long story short it was a bad time. HILARITY. yeah not much to say here tho this is just the ‘at least one mandatory song to shake your tits to on each ts album’ song of evermore <3 and always remember that if the shoe fits walk in it TILL YOUR HIGH HEELS BREAK WOOH ANDIFELLDOWNTHEPEDESTALRIGHTDOWNTHERA—

12: dorothea: making a lark of misery :D RENt free. i had to listen to ‘if youre tired of being known for who you know you know youll always know me’ 113 times to finally understand it tho 😐 some of us are stupid and illiterate have you ever thought about that miss swift???? anyways TINGTINGTINGINGINGING THE STARS IN YOUR EYES SHINED BRIGHTER IN TUPELO <33333 such an innocent feel good song I LOVE!!!!!

11. ivy: the goddamn here and the hush of mirrorball ARE THE REASON IM STILL ALIVE 😽 another lyrical masterclass <3 ‘id live and die for moments that we stole on begged and borrowed time’ IS2G!!!!!!!!!!! anyways what if you cheated on your husband with me and i cheated on my husband with you and my pain fit in the palm of your freezing hands 😳 JK JK 😅 unless...... 🤪😏 hdjsks yeah this song is magnificently cursed and i am in love with it 🧎‍♀️

10. tis the damn season: this song is august but the other side of the coin. august but four months later. AUGUST SLIPPED AWAY LIKE A BOTTLE OF WINE- THE HOLIDAYS LINGER LIKE A BAD PERFUMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... she sounds so pretty goshhh! ‘time flies messy as the mud on your truck tires NOW IM MISSING YOUR SMILE hear me out we could just ride around and the road not taken looks real good now’ is on repeat in my mind. and as always the bridge ::::::::::::::.............:::::::::::::: how does she do this everytime. ‘and wonder about the only soul who can tell which smiles im faking’ 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️ after every ts song i listen my expectations about true love grows exponentially and my chances of finding true love falls exponentially simultaneously ADIEU.

9. willow: she really took the invisible string quartet and put it in huh..................... FUCKED IN THE HEADDDDDDDDDDDDDD. what can i say <3 its just such a pretty song <3 hashtag gorgeous hashtag i cant say anything to its face. WRECK MY PLANS!!!!!! WRECK IT BITCH!!! ‘wait for the signal and ill meet you after dark’ LOVE STORY WHIPLASH. also mate i cant even focus on the song she looks SO GOOD in the music video i—

8. happiness: !!!! what can i say.... one of the best songs of the album hands down. lyrical masterpiece AND musically rich. she really logged into tumblr dot com and typed out ‘THERE’LL BE HAPPINESS AFTER YOU’ AND ‘THERE WAS HAPPINESS BECAUSE OF YOU’ ARE IDEAS THAT CAN COEXIST and logged off...... h8 her and her insanity. the one word i have to describe this song is: picturesque. tis a picturesque song <3 oh and dfbhhffcbhDDVHHTRSDVJK when i heard ‘i hope she’ll be a beautiful fool who takes my spot next to you’ i audibly GASPED and then she says ‘no i didnt mean that sorry i cant see facts through all of my fury’................. i fell out of my chair. IT FELT LIKE AS IF SHE HEARD MY GASP AND TOLD ME SPECIFICALLY THAT NO SHE DIDNT MEAN IT LIKE THAT... anyways yeah. ill write an article one day named THE SWIFT DECEPTION OF TAYLOR about how she keeps writing songs with deceptive titles and this will be the opening case 😈🤙 also the fact that this is one of my faves and i put it in number 8 says a lot......

7. evermore: i havent recovered from ‘motion capture. put me in a bad light’. i mean come on the whole goddamn song is a lyrical masterpiece. ‘writing letters addressed to the fire’. IS SHE OK!????????????? i think tf not. beautiful song beautiful arrangement. iver sounded really good too. and lol lol rofl WOOFWOOFbarkbark ‘HEY DECEMBER GUESS IM FEELING UNMOORED’ unmoored definition from google dot com: no longer attached. she doesn’t go back to december anymore. about2 faint oml. long story short: i did not survive. THIS PAIN WOULD BE FOR EVERMORE........ what i felt with this song is that she took the quarantine sadness we all felt at least once this year and made it into a masterpiece of a song. couldve been easily the top song on any album except this. no i will not elaborate <3

6. no body no crime: i cannot believe. she teased us with a musical number. this woman teased us with. a musical number. I THINK SHE IS WRITING A MUSICAL BUT I JUST CANT PROVE IT! when she wins that tony 16 years later call me prophetic xoxo. anyways yeah she literally wrote this to flex her storytelling abilities. send tweet 🐥

5. cowboy like me: YEEEHAWWW I’LL BE HONEST WITH YOU I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FULL SONG SOUNDS LIKE I JUST HAVE THE BRIDGE ON REPEAT!!!! OMFG!!! the skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to fuck this up. AAAA!! ??? STFU. IM NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT THE LYRICS MATE THE WAY ITS SUNG!!!!!!! GUT WRENCHING! the best bridge she has ever written musically. i cant stop listening to it. REALLYYY DID BELIEEEVE I WAS THE ONEEE. STORIESSS ABOUT WHEEEN YOU PASSSEDDD THROUGHH TOWN. y e l l. and then she hits me with ‘now you hang from my lips like the gardens of babylon.’ L ???? M !!!!! A $$$$$ O “”””” i had to pause it and sit there for 10 minutes to take in what i had just heard. case closed critical hit sustained yeedhawd.

4. tolerate it: i cried. the only reason it’s not 1 is because it hurt me too much. WHAT THE FUCK YOU MF YOU ASSUME IM FINE BUT WYD IF I BREAK FREE AND LEAVE US IN THE RUINS???? TOOK THIS DAGGER IN ME AND REMOV— m8 this physically hurts me everytime. if its all in my head TELL ME RN. aghhh aRghhhhhhh. pain. and lol she broke down sleep to its bare essentials ‘breathing with your eyes closed’.

3. ??? coney island: i know it’s a bit of a controversial top three but WHO CARES 🕴this is solely here for ‘AND IM SITTING ON A BENCH IN CONEY ISLAND wondering where did my BABYy GO’ im shaking. my bed is shaking. my body is shaking. my pupils are shaking. THE WAY SHE SINGS IT OH MY GOODNESS ME i have to lie down gimme a sec. ‘and if this is the long haul howd we get here so soon 😟’ SCREAM. and when i was hearing it for the first time and she said ‘sorry for not making you my centerfold’ i was like yeah and?? so what?? and then she hits me with ‘over and over’...... so she didnt make him/her/them her centerfold over and over !!!!!!! she is sorry she didnt do it over and over!!!!!! mannn.... the chorus.. i shall not speak. i am held at gunpoint i CANNOT SPEAK. the bridge tho dhdnsksksjsb I CAN SPEAK AND I SHALL SPEAK. BITCH WENT OFFFFFFFF. <3 this is the apology she deserved from her exes which she never got so she wrote it herself. podium. grey skies. birthday cake. ACCIDENT. im laughingggggggggggg <///3 and yeah so overall it is a really yummy song with yummy vocals and yummy arrangement 9/10 would recommend. also!! life lessons kids life lessons. disappointments? SIMPLY CLOSE YOUR EYES AND PRETEND YOU DO NOT SEE IT YAAAAAAAAAS

2. gold rush: ETHEREAL!!!!!! The last time i felt like this™️ whilst listening to a song was with mirrorball <3 the production of this song omg omg omg LOVE 💃 but what propelled it to number two status was the ‘i dont like slow motion double vision in ROSE BLUSH/ i dont like that falling feels like flying till the BONE CRUSH’ imagine how fucked in the head a person needs to be to rhyme rose blush with bone crush. yeah i have nothing more to say really this song is extremely gorgeous and ‘eyes like sinking ships on water so inviting i almost jumped in’ / ‘walk past quick brush’ ?:!:!&:8483 F A V E <33333 and the transition transmission transfusion from ‘... gray old tea cuz itll never be ᵍˡᵉᵃᵃᵃᵃᵐⁱⁿᵍ ᵗʷⁱⁿᵏˡⁱⁿᵍᵍᵍᵍ’ MADAME

1. champagne problems: are we surprised? ARE WE REALLY SURPRISED? when listening to new albums i normally listen to it at one go in order. i stick to that rule. HOWEVER after many years of my solid album listening self made rule tm i finally broke and immediately replayed this mf song after listening to it once. ‘you had a speech, youre speechless/ love slipped beyond your reaches’???? stfu???? VILE. PUNISHABLE. DEROGATORY. and welp the entire bridge ...... .... ........... what can i say. And the parallels to miss all too well??? WHAT WAS THE REASON???? your SISTER splashed out on the bottle- left my scarf there at your SISTER’s house 😐 she’ll patch up your tapestry that i SHRED- maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you TORE it all up 😐 your MOM’s ring in your pocket- your MOTHER’s telling stories bout you on the tee ball team 😐 November flush and your FLANNEL cure- PLAID shirt days and nights when you made me your own 😐 wHAT A SHAME SHE IS FUCKED IN THE HEAD IS2G........... and also why would she not rhyme POCKET with LOCKET?????? why with wallet???????????? slant rhyme why????????????? AND THE NOTE THIS MF SONG ENDS ON..... FUCKED IN THE HEAD

THATS IT. i really sat here and did this for the past 2 hours huh...... hhdjsms anyways LONG STORY SHORT: I HATE ONE INSANE WOMAN AND HER NAME IS TAYLOR ALISON SWIFT. GODSPEEED 🏃‍♀️

[deddie-eddie]

Hypocrisy in fandom.

TW // suicide, suicide baiting, harassment

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.

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Yesterday, I nearly killed myself.

I was in the midst of a breakdown, I was shaking so hard I couldnt breathe, and if I wasn't I likely would have been able to open the pill bottle and I likely would have gone through with it.

I had to be talked down via phone call while I was on a camping trip with my family.

But why?

Two days ago, I did something awful. I found a "pedo struggling" account, run by an anti, who was posting screenshots of me and my friends, and called them out.

Little did I know, this would be the start of something horrible.

It started out fine. I made a couple jokes, laughed along at other proshippers in the comments, and it was all fine.

Then, the account posted a vague tweet. "They won't stop." I thought this was funny, so I poked more fun at them. Watched them squirm as they replied to my friends in shaky, broken English. I called it crytyping. I mocked them for it. I assumed I knew what I was talking about and instead of realizing that they were having a breakdown, I assumed that they were being performative and made some horrid accusations in a long callout thread about them. I posted screenshots of them as they replied with, what I thought was, performative nonsense. I privately mocked them. To summarize, I did something entirely, unarguably, factually awful. I made assumptions I had no right to make and acted on them in the worst way.

Then I went to bed.

When I woke up, I had hundreds of notifications. Spammed messages of "deactivate," "how could you do something like this," and a barrage of fancams.

It had come out that the person I was mocking was having a genuine panic attack, and that I had mocked them in a time of immense struggle and pain. I had no right to mock them in the first place, but now that it was genuine, my actions were amplified.

I finally took more than two seconds to think about what I'd done, and realized I was a huge, giant, absolutely massive asshole. I deleted the thread, released a long apology, and tried to take every comment and all my criticism in stride. I was still getting a lot of hate. That was understandable. I knew I didnt deserve to be forgiven yet. I let it be. I didnt tweet anything else for fear of it seeming like I wasnt taking this horrible situation seriously. I sincerely, honestly replied to people asking me why, how, and what I thought I was doing. They had every right to know. Still, the cries of "deactivate" rolled in. I knew I deserved them.

Then, it got worse.

I got a comment. I checked it.

"I dont usually say this but ummm... you should kys."

My heart raced. It had been a while since someone had told me to kill myself. I knew I had fucked up but I didnt realize just how hard, if people were really telling me to kill myself. But i brushed it off. It was one comment. I deserved it.

But it kept. Coming.

More people. "Deactivate," "kill yourself," "you're a freak." All day. Every minute I'd have a new notif, and every moment a new threat. "You'll be alone forever." "I hope you rot alone." I knew I had to take it because I had inadvertently sent people to harass that person. I didnt deserve to be forgiven. I still dont.

People watched my follower count drop. So did I. I lost mutuals I had interacted with for months. I lost people who said that they would always be there for me. I lost people who used to call me their best friend.

I had no one ask me for my side. No one that i was close to, anyway. None of the tens of people who told me that they cared about me, that they loved me, that theyd always be there for me. Not a single one of them was there to ask me. They all read the same callout post, and came to the same conclusion. That I was a horrible, unforgivable person. And I dont blame them for that. Sometimes I think I am too.

Then they kept going even more. More hate. More callout posts, except now people were making things up. They were lying and I couldnt do anything about it because I was in the wrong and not to be redeemed. Old friends took the sides of people who genuinely suggested that I die or kill myself, and people who said they loved me were handing over screenshots to these people in hopes that they wouldnt get thrown under the bus.

They took old things that I said and did and exaggerated them, posted old DMs out of context, and when they couldnt manipulate my words they just didnt provide evidence at all. They had that power. They had the power to lie about me and I had given it to them.

More people joined in. There was a hashtag spread of me. #staymadeddie on twitter. Look it up if you think I'm lying. People tried to get this trending.

After over a day and a half of NOTHING but constant harassment, I started to think I should take their advice. If I was dead, I'd finally be quiet, and theyd get what they wanted. If I was dead, they wouldnt yell at me anymore. They wouldnt harass me. I would be free.

They managed to make me feel like this in a day and a half.

I had a public breakdown. I screamed over the internet, phone held in shaking hands as I tried not to sob in earshot of my family. I frantically pleaded to what little I had left that they stop. I begged to know what they wanted from me. I asked if they really wanted me to die. I begged them to leave me alone. I threw my phone at my bed, ran to the med cabinet, and grabbed a bottle of pills. If I hadn't been shaking so hard, I'd have opened it. If I had opened it, I dont like to think about what I might have done. I was flooded with comments telling me to get help. Close friends begged me not to do what I wanted so badly to. They dmed me left and right, but i ignored it. I felt numb. Everything had been hurting so much that when presented with death felt almost better. Obviously that was a ludicrous thought. It was a day and a half. I was being rash. But I didnt care. I couldnt take it anymore. I'm 15, I have severe anxiety and depression. When overwhelmed, my impulsive thoughts and actions take over.

A friend called me and had to talk me down over phone call while I was camping with my family. It was successful, of course, but the rest of the day I was plagued with a deep depression that left me feeling hollow and worthless. I still cant keep my thoughts away from it. I think about all the people I've lost. All the people who, in their eyes, I'm dead to. All the people who swore they'd be with me, but when push came to shove they couldnt even spare me a glance.

My crime was harassing a minor. I made assumptions I had no right to make and publicly blasted someone for having a panic attack. In no way was that okay and in no way am I entitled to be forgiven. However, I deleted the post. I released an apology. I took criticism as best I could, without blaming my actions on anything or anyone but myself. I did what they always tell you to do when you fuck up.

But it didnt work.

I *was* genuinely sorry.

I *did* recognize my mistake

I *tried* to make amends.

I *didn't* pass blame.

I fucked up. Hard. But no matter what I did no one would stop. I lost close friends. I lost a best friend. It almost seemed like I'd made it worse.

There is no moral. Because real life isnt black and white. I did an awful thing. These people did awful things too. There is more than one victim here. In people's quest to gain justice for me harassing a minor, they harassed a minor into near suicide and laughed at it.

Dont forget that behind EVERY account there is a real person. Be they adult or child, everyone will fuck up and even though in general we need to think before we post, like I clearly didnt, it is possible to learn from our actions and one negative one doesn't define a person.

I'll say this again.

To some people, people I trusted, people who said they cared about me, i am dead. They hate my guts. I'll never be redeemed. But I'm expected to improve myself with this knowledge. I'm supposed to take all the hate and never speak about the hate coming my way for fear of trying to victimize myself.

No. Fuck you.

I AM a victim. I was harassed as much as they were, and even though I threw the first stone, I never told anyone to die. I never lied about anyone. I didnt cancel them. I learned my mistake and apologized, but I KNOW that NO ONE will EVER be expected to apologize for what they did to me.

What I did was horrible. I am not entitled to forgiveness. I will repeat that a hundred times. But to beat me down until I'm nearly dead, to call me a freak and a pedo and a disgusting person, to tell me to kill myself, then laugh when I call myself a victim, is disgusting.

I DON'T deserve this, and I'm tired of having to pretend like I do.

By all means. Criticize me. Make jokes. Be harsh. But do NOT tell me to kill myself over a lack of forethought, and then have the guts to call yourself a "protector of kids." You're not.

You're only out to protect your friends, and the people who agree with you, other people's lives be damned. I dont matter to you. And you'll never admit that you hurt me.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Is there anyone at your work that you want to just deck in the face? * I dont have a job, but there isnt anyone in general that I feel like punching <<< Last thing you drank? Water. Last thing that pissed you off! Health related things. Last thing that made you feel better *sigh* Why the “sigh”? Anyway, a trip to the beach would help. For the time I was there, at least. Something you did differently today that wasn’t so bad It’s only 1:37AM, I haven’t done much so far except for a few surveys. That’s not anything different.

Last plans that were ruined because of things you can’t control My mom and I wanted to visit my aunt a few weeks ago, but I wasn’t able to go because I was having a flare up. How old are you? 30. Someone’s YouTube that annoys the crap out of you I don’t watch any that annoy me. You are lucky because I’m blessed because I have my family, a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, clothes on my back, and food to eat. What kind of jeans are you favorite? Skinny jeans. Man, I haven’t worn jeans in like 2 years, though. I only wear leggings now. Mini skirts, slutty or stylish? They can be cute, but it’s not my style. I don’t feel comfortable wearing them. Do you like a partner who is clean cut or rugged? Clean cut, but I do like some scruff. Pale or tan, which would you rather be? I’d like to be tan. What if you were drastically what you’d rather be overnight? Cool. Habit with health concerns by society that u have Uhh. Do smartass sarcastic old folks piss you off? * Idk. I kind of enjoy the “smartass” personality bc its amusing as long as it isnt malicious. My old friend Denise was such a smartass and I loved her <<< Yeah, I get what you mean. It depends. What about little kids that want to be gangstas? Just stop. What do you think about Hipster? I don’t care. Scene? Is that still a trend? I feel like I don’t see it anymore, but maybe that’s because I’m old now. What do you think about “Juggalos” and “Juggalettes”? I don’t get the whole Insane Clown Posse thing. lol that’s funny. Something that you won’t even try No other drug besides weed, which I’ve done. Do u blog? You’re lookin’ at it. Tweet? Yeah. FB? I rarely post anything anymore, but I scroll the feed and like some stuff here. Myspace? Myspace has been dead for a long time, time to let go. What do you think about that G6 song? It’s old now, but still catchy. Is walking cats strange? ( like walking dogs ) That does seem weird. What about kids on leashes? What do you think about that? I mean, I can see how it would be helpful. In a super crowded place, it would be easy to lose grip of their little hand and it would get very tiring pretty quick if you had to carry them. Strollers can be a nuisance in really crowded places too, so for a toddler I can see the benefit of the leash. Only for that age group, though. We are all the same is bullshit is it not? Clearly we’re not all the same. Will the world end in 2012? That’s next year. That was 7 years ago and we’re still here. No one but God knows when the world will end. What lip balm do you use to keep your lips moist? EOS. I bought a vaseline lip balm recently, but I haven’t used it, yet. How many piercings have you had, BESIDES ears, no one cares. Well that’s all I got, sorry. New tats in your near future? I don’t have any tats. I’ve wanted 1 for several years, but I doubt I’ll ever get it done. How about piercings or re-piercings? No. Who would you like to hang out with? No one. Next new thing you are wanting to try! Nothing comes to mind right now. If your skinny you are underweight true or false? You can be thin but not underweight. I’m underweight, though. Being told to eat more is as offensive as being told to eat less. TF? I just hate it because it’s like clearly it’s an issue for me. It’s not that easy. If I could just “eat more”, I would. It’s not that simple. Even if I could eat more, I’d still have a hard time putting on weight. I have a fast metabolism, so I’ve always been thin, but not as thin as I am now. That happened due to health reasons and because of that I haven’t been able to gain any weight. It’s been a real struggle these past few years with health issues and eating/appetite issues on top of it. Would you wear short shorts, long socks and converse? No.  Do converse look/feel uncomfortable to you? I like them.  Your young but your life isn’t distracted by a cell phone. TF? I’m 30, I’m old.  What kind of deodorant do you use? Secret in powder fresh scent. Thing that bothers you. A lot of things. A dream of yours. I just want to be in a good place health wise. Can one create a masterpiece with a ballpoint pen? Yeah? Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. He crossed over. He died. Do you say sorry a lot? Yes. Do you believe that you can feel energy from others from their thoughts? Not from their thoughts, I can’t get inside someone’s head, but I feel their energy through other things. Would you ever visit a psychic medium? No. If you would, what would you wanna know? Absolutely nothing. I don’t believe in that stuff. Do you get creeped out easily? You could say that. Ever scared the crap out of someone and laughed hysterically after? Yes. Do you type homerow? No. Are some days a waste of makeup? I very rarely wear makeup anymore. It’s been awhile. I don’t know if I have at all this year... Do you have acne? I’ll get a pimple or two now and then. I had it worse as a teenager and in my early 20s. Then it just cleared up, thankfully. My skin is still shitty, though. It’s so dry. Halloween costume. I don’t dress up anymore for Halloween. Diet soda yay or nay? I can drink Diet Coke and Diet Dr. Pepper. I’d rather just drink the regular kind, though. Would you buy a Coach bag? No.

[nivks]

i feel like #followforevers and online love letters etc etc havnt really been a thing in 2018 but u know what. thats dumb. 2019 is better and were all gonna be emotional and loving towards the people that make us feel emotions speciffically - Love! so heres a #followforever emo loveletter ashdfg gahwahh OKAY EDIT: kjhsdf i finished writing this mess and its SO LONG i am SO OSRRY i cant even SPELL im so sorry whatever im gonna post it still cos maybe hopefully simething i have to say mihgt make someone smile. just skip to ur namee. happy 2019 kids! nick WILL become a dad!.

@harryfeatjack @rightgirl @happilygryles @rocketmommy @19-million-memories @drugsnotwar @ithadmefromhello @spyro2018 @acuzena @carswinky @shiftylinguini @bourgeoix @hiatusniall @julesg @itsallaboutzarry @ihavea1dbloghelp okay we might have been close but you dont post much anymore, we might be new mutuals or like?? might just have that special follow and love from afar type thing happening but you all do make my dash a happier place and i hope 2019 is incredible for u all and u are all amazing people who do brighten my day. thanks for making 2018 better!! love u. 

@chantillystars Miss Starsadrift, lover of my hart. ur so fucking BRIGHT andsweet and u always make me laugh and ur always there when im crying and u light up whatever place youre in and i know that for a fact cos when we went on holidays together you honest to god were like. the brightest and beautifulestestest in the whole street. youre also an excellent cook and the kitchen we were in was just shit. love ur snaps and msgs and how much you love gardens and flowersand sunshine. glad youve been working on feeling better about Life and its been helping cos u deserve it alllll <3<3 love u like u love yoongi. 2018 wouldve been terrible without u. @clipsandstuff your tags at times make me crack up and your love for nick is so warm and iv followed ur blog for years and youre always so consistently lovely and i hope 2019 treats u well <3 @ladsfm you barely ever have time to be on anymore but youre like. out there. living your life and i see u on instagram and ur so incredible and SMART and beaiutful and then whenever i text you a #nickupdate or more specifically a #harrynickupdate your all caps replies always make me smile so big also you are quite possibly the most lovely person iv met i lvoe you! @lordendsavior i made my url dikolasgrimshaw. for you. for me a bit too but you were that final little push. the voice of reason that said yeah! do it! thats how much i love you. akjsg anyway JOANNA you are somehow so lovely and kind but like Real at the same time and u have a way of saying your opinions that makes me wish i knew how to fucking get my thoughts out as put together? as you. idk everytime i see you like giving advice and stuff im always like YUORE SO good you really are just! so good for this world and the people you talk to. i hope everyone knows how lucky they are that gets to talk to you and stuff ily. @cashewdani your tags. iv been following your blog since like? 2013? and i have no idea what your look like and im only guessing where youre from and what youre name even is but pretty much every post you make has incredible tags and has inspired me to watch movies/tv shows that i use to skip over and you are alawys so fucking delightful to see on my dash and i feel like everytime i see you posting it brings a smile to my face. also youre writing is incredible and i feel like iv seen you posting about new jobs and new living places so i hope 2019 is super amzing for you cos you deserve it! @yourghostcat <3<3<3<3<3 gamZE you are! you ar so bright and loving and warm and sweet and gentle and FUNNY and i feel liek every single time we talk im alawys just like ‘i love you gmze’ but honselty i DO and i hope u know youre super important and im so glad i know you. every single on of youre edits are beautiful and all the work u put into them is so appreciated and ur so talented! i hope 2019 is so good to you <3 @sehunchis u barely go here anymore but im including you anyway whocares KELLY i love you. your love for vivi?? feel that. love for vivi and sehun togeth? fukcing Feel that. youre so funny and rly smart and thoughtful and u make ppl so happy by just being there and i miss being in new york with you but seeing ur tweets still makes me smile just as biggggggg lvoe you. @lollipop-popsx youre so damn funny whenever youre done with anons purposely trying to start shit but you are so so lovely to everyone else and u pretty mch always come across as genuinely happy and caring and i rly hope that you have a super amazing 2019 love uou. @fullstopmgnt again u dont go hre anymore but just in case! i LOVE you and im so GLAD ur doing better and feeling better and working on getting even better im proud of you my lovely. miss u i WILL see you soon i have gifts for youuu @meliora i was gonna say i got to hug you TWICE this year but dunkirk came out in two thousand and seventeen im a fool whatever i got to hug you ONCE this year and while thats not really a lot its still!! im so happy i got to meet u cos ur SO FUKCING lovely and beaituful and warm as a person and so chill and have such good taste in music and hair colours and i know theres been some tough times this year for you but you deserve the fucking world so i hope 2019s nothin but great stuff ILY @baaatgurl bby gir lover darling MARIE light of my life. u are! incredible and i feel like whenever we meet up im laughing and smiling constantly and even when were not together i can like. listen to audio messages u send me and even when im sad i know i got something to smile about cos ur right there! u mean a lot to me and im so so so happy we met on this dumbass website in like 2013 youre so so so important. shits been tough but 2019s gonna be The Year and 2020? were leaving australia together. @cptkirked finish the walking dead. ALJHFGLDS okay FOR REAL first of all thankyou for making me watch love actually WAIT did i tell you! when u and me watched it and my brother was like ‘that movies terrible’ HE TXT ME LIKE 2WEEKS AGO and was like ‘just rewatched love actually. i get you both now. was good movie.’ ghhhhhahh i think ur relaly great and u always make me laugh and from your tweets i feel like youve had an up and down year so i rly hope 2019s good for you in every single way cos u really deserve it. love u. @nightandstarlight milesssss we havnt talked too mcyh this year but knowin youre out there living youre life! just happy. thankyou for alays been sweet and kind and positive and making me smile. hope 2019 is beautulf for you. @plaintoast TAELOr i know 2018 has definyely had highs and lows for you but 2019 IWLL be great and u deserve honeslty SO MYCH happiness and i hope u get all of it. u are so soft and lovely i lvoe u truly. @gettingdizzy giggled when i saw your url just then dont know why. SAVANAH do u have any idea how incredble u are? ur so important and ur texts like 90% of the time make me laugh and the other 10% i wanna like fight someone on your behalf. ur smile is 100/10 and i can not wait till the day we get to MEEt. ur gonna fuckign graduate this year and finish school and 2019s really gonna be your year and i love u so mcuh. @twelvegrimmyplace LIZ! LIGHT OF MY life. u are one of hte most beautiful and funniest and ur so fucking Good and lovely and always make me smile. u also make me laugh a lot and i lvoe ur tags and ur love for nick and nick and m/esh and nick and Glasses is the reason why 2019 has to be a good year. thankyou for ebing you. love you. @erinsbreakfast cheesed real hard with my smile then as i typed your url. thankyou for always making me smile big time and making me LAUGH and thanks for loving nick the way u do. ur super sweet and super beautful and i hope 2019 is everything u dream it to be. ur incredible and i voel you. @silveredsound YOU are BEAUTUFUL and always alawys making me smile with your tags and posts and ur heavenly pictures of Harry Styles and Harry Styles’ Hair in HQ and ur thoughts about nick gshaw. thankyou for being you and i hope u know how amazing u are. i love you. happy 2019 darling. also thnakyou for the gift that was TOWEL FIC. ur a hero. and ur wrtiing is!!!!!! stuff of dreams ur so talented hoenslty @magog83 ur literally the hero that goes above and beyond for the whole nick fandom and we will never be able to thankyou enough. you are increbible and amazing and lovely and you deserve so mych happiness and good things. thaknyou for so mych youre BEAUTIFUL. @junkshop-disco every single cow i pass by in my day to day life i automtically name mabel. ur posts make me smile and ur so lovely and kind. you are so fucking talented. i hope 2019s super super lovely fro you. @kilimiria !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! mariE!!!!!!!! do u KNOw how big i smile whenever i see i have msgs from you? okay i know it takes me forever to reply a lot of the time but like literally msgs from you can turn my whole day from shit to the happiest of days. thanks for existing and being you na dmaking me smile u are sososo lovely and funny and beaitufl and i hope 2019 gives you the entire world. i lveo you. @apopstarontheradio thakns for making me smile a lot this year and being funny! and kind and lovely and having a big heart. hope 2019 beings u nothin but happiness loverlyyyy @thegreenaubergine i love YOu you make me laugh and make me smile and ur so so sweet and so lvoely i really relaly hope 2019 is great for you!!!!!! @hinickgrimshaw everytime i see u posting amd ur tags i feel like. ur just really great and amzing. sounds lame typing it out auhfhahhhhh BASICALLY everytime i see you saying things and read ur tags on nick posts im just like ‘youre SO good i trust everythignu say.’ youre so so lovely and u make me smile and im pretty sure i have a screenshot of a post u made once cos it made me smile on a bad day. anwyay i hope 2019 is GREAT for u and i think ur fucking incredible and ur love for nick is so soft. @writsgrimmyblog i smiled at your url like you could see it or someting kjhasdk WRIT u are. so organised and smart and FUNNY and beautiful and LVOELY and i am soossoso lucky to know you. youre nick thoughts and posts are a joy to read and ur writing is incredible and u made grimmy appreciation fest happen whcoh was!!!!!!! i Love you. 2019 better be the best for you <3 @fapfapfashion ayhhhh!!!!!!! ZHENya. i thnk i first saw you when u started leaving anon msgs for joanna you ARE so so so soft and kind i love you so much. you ALWAS make me laugh and you have some of the best tags and i hope everyone that knows you in real life knows how lucky they are to know youuu LOVE you a lot. hope 2019s super freakin amzing. @blueskybuzz77 youre so sweet and lovely and i hope so much good happens fro you in 2018 also u make me laigh and u deserve the WOrld LOVE you @fantofirehazard ur lovely and super sweet nad ur tags make me laugh and  i hope 2019 is increible for you because you deserve it a lot <3 

@grimshaw @brckhmptn i would die for you.

[2centsnobodyasked4]

My 2 cents on James Charles Drama

I feel like this post is gonna get me sooo canceled! lol but you know what, its ok...i only have like literally only 8 followers lmao.

Anyway, when i say anything online....or when i generate an opinion I feel like I’m objective 90% of the time. Obviously everyone is at least a bit bias when it comes to any subject. Well, here are my semi-objective 2 cents that no one fucking asked for ;)

First off, I’ll put my PRE-dramageddon (as coined by Hereforthetea2) opinions of the main people involved:

James Charles-I followed him on youtube, but I felt like he was super annoying and full of himself. I didn’t see him as a bad person though, just someone who I would never want to be friends with. I wanted to buy his palette but never did because I dont think i’d ever wear those shades. I didn’t LIKE him persay but I didn’t hate him either. His videos were actually entertaining at times so thats why I subscribed to him.

Tati- I had recently started watching her perhaps at the end of last year. I didn’t have that strong of opinion of her, but i felt like I could trust her. She seems like she’s honest in everything she says and I’ve seen many youtubers praise her which is why i followed her on youtube. 

Gabriel Zamora- I didn’t know much of him until he did that collaboration with his 3 best friends, the videos where it featured manny, laura, and nikita....and he mentioned he was Mexican and I was like HEY, I’M mexican, so i started following him. He seemed unproblematic, and after His own scandal he seemed to be the only one who actually prospered from it. So i thought he was okay.

Jeffree Star- I feel towards him similar to how i feel about James. Like I LOVE watching his videos, he’s super funny and entertaining, BUT i dont think he’s a good friend. I feel like he’s a manipulator and also acts so entitled. I also don’t think he’s a bad person, he just has a negative attitude. And i wont really go into detail on the whole racism thing, because its not my place to talk about it. I was gonna say i’m not a person of color, but i am, i’m mexican, however the remarks were derogatory towards African-Americans so yeah, i have no say in that matter. To sum up, I love watching him and i love his makeup, but i dont trust him.

Now on to Dramageddon II!

I have so many thoughts on this, but at the moment i’m super hungry so i’m probably going to make this shorter than I expected lol

To start off, based on all the evidence that has presented itself, I believe that James Charles indeed made a deal with Sugarbear and then fabricated the story of Coachella so that Tati wouldn’t be mad. His crime there was being Money Hungry like always--choosing money over friendship. 

Now Tati’s video. It was a great watch. She spilled so much tea that I could not even. I understand why she’s upset. She expected certain loyalty from someone that was so close to her and she felt used. I totally understand why she would want to cut all ties with him. Although I do feel like there might be something deeper there, but obviously we might never know. 

Her allegations though about labeling him as a ‘predator’ was a bit harsh though. Unless there’s things she has not shared...based on the presented evidence, I don’t see how that makes James a monster. 

I guess here I’ll tie in my issue with Gabriel. He went on a rant on Snapchat and in SOME details i agree with. I don’t agree with him saying that Tati is exaggerating but I do agree with how they are painting James as this horrible person that takes advantage of people. 

I’ve seen the videos that Gage and the waiter boy posted and one, the gage guy seems like he’s literally doing it for clout. Based on his video he does not seem like a good person at all, and i totally believed that he used James for free stuff. And the other boy--- his video was more genuine, he sounded sincere but I dont see how that makes James a bad person. This boy slid into James’ DMs first and he admitted to being bi-curious. Where did James go wrong in doing stuff with him? There’s no evidence or allegations of James FORCING himself on to him. So what exactly was the bad thing he did? Like did he threaten his family? Did he blackmail him? Like what was that super bad thing he did? I’m not excusing James, I just dont want to condemn him if there’s not evidence that he did something illegal or fucked up. But i guess we all have our opinions on that matter. Oh! and then the face time thing, aside from it being illegal, the boy in the video was getting upset over facetime about James ‘talking to another guy (gage)’ and james responded with ‘yeah why do you care’....SO TRUE....if this boy was saying he was actually straight and only wanted a friendship with James, WHY bring that up? Does James have to let his friends know what other friends he has? If it was nothing intimate then what was that about? Thats the thing that makes no sense on this boy’s part. But anyway.........

Oh and then Jeffree inserts himself like always lol He loves that drama! I feel like his tweet was just to spark up speculation. We all know thats how the internet works. You throw out some vague tweets and suddenly everyone is theorizing left and right. If anything what i think happened is perhaps James was hitting on Nathan’s brother. But again, if it was something deeper then LETS HEAR IT!! 

Okay okay, i know this rant is pointing towards me being pro James Charles, but in reality....its none of my business....its just super entertaining when I’m not studying lol

To be honest, I’m with you all there sitting with popcorn watching James’ sub count drop on social blade lol Why? Because, I think he did deserve a slice of humble pie. He literally acts like he’s entitled and like he’s this big celebrity. I hope that this experience shows him that he’s not untouchable and that his subscribers are responsible for his wealth. Which brings me to another point, you guys realize that he’s still getting PAID so much money right? Even with the unsubs, people are watching his videos like crazy and making him that coin. 

Even though I’m loving the tea and loving watching him being dethroned, I’m also concerned for his mental health. I know I’m being a hypocrite talking shit, but I doubt he’ll ever see this. I hate it when people throw hate directly at the person. Guys, we don’t KNOW these people. Why do WE feel entitled to direct tweet them or DM them hate when the situation is none of our fucking business? Why DM hate to any of the people involved in this drama??? We might all have strong opinions, and sure we can express them on the internet, but lets not be horrible human beings and direct them to the actual people who we’ve never met. 

And thats it. 

[maylovexhs]

Hi darlings! It’s May! So first thing first, THIS IS NOT AN IMAGINE OR UPDATE. ITS JUST ME TELLING MY EXPERIENCE ABOUT MY HARRY SHOW. YOU DON’T HAVE TO READ IT IF YOU WANT TO. I saw a bunch of people doing threads and posting about how wonderful their time is and I was like I want to do it! I, in no way am trying to show off or brag about it. I just want to post it here because I’m friendly with y’all and I’ll just have the story on here for safe keeping. So ignore if you want(I put the keep reading for that) but yeah here’s my concert experience. WARNING: BELOW THE CUT IS A LONG LONG LONG POST. ENJOY THE SHAKY VIDEOS AND MY ANNOYING VOICE. This all happened one month ago ughh procrastination is the devil

I WENT TO SEE HARRY FUCKING STYLES LIVE IN CONCERT NIGHT TWO MSG AND I BLEW A KISS AT HARRY AND HE BLEW A KISS BACK.

. . .

he knows I exist.

Harry Styles knows I goddamn exist.

okay, let’s me backtrack a day or two before my concert. Actually a week, shall we?

So, it’s a week before Harry’s shows in nyc and I’m at home in Brooklyn with no harry tickets for none of the nights because of course 1. Both nights are sold out 2. I couldn’t buy tickets online from strangers cause y’all ever heard of scams? So, I’m at home in misery cause all over my twitter all my mutuals are tweeting how excited they are to go and I’m like “fUcKiNg GrEaT!” I’m pretty sure I posted shit of me gloating on here. ANYWAYS FAST FORWARD TO JUNE 21st, 2018(Harry’s first night/show at msg) and I’m on my living rooms couch on twitter. AND I DONT KNOW IF IT WAS THE UNIVERSE SAYING ‘WE GOT YOU HONEY’ or just a coincidence but the first thing i See is on my timeline is a tweet from ticketmaster saying along the lines of “Due to miscounting . . . There are tickets available for Harry Styles at msg night two . . .SALE” and I . . .i can’t even explain how I felt. It was like destiny. Like “SIS YOU WERENT MEANT TO GET TICKETS A LONG TIME AGO YOURE SUPPOSED TO GET THEM NOW. THIS IS YOUR CHANCE” and I was like “fuck it! I’m going to see my mans in concert and I couldn’t care about how shitty the seats are. It’s Harry of all people” so, I download the Ticketmaster app and ask my mom and my chill ass mom is like ‘really? The day before? This is a sign. God must really want you to see harry” and I’m like “YES”. So I use my moms card(I payed her back after) and buy the two tickets. AND LET ME JUST SAY! THE TICKETS! I GOT LUCKY WITH THE TICKETS. My tickets were seat 8 and 9, row 7, section 113

DO YALL KNOW WHERE THAT IS? THATS RIGHT NEXT TO THE STAGE! THATS THE SIDE BACK OF THE STAGE. And remember Harry’s stage is 360 honeys so I was hyped up. Honestly I thought it’s row 7, it’s not like we are in front! It’s not like he’s gonna see us. I’m bringing this up later cause well, you’ll see. But just remember I’m row 7. So I print out my tickets and I text my friends “HOES GUESS WHAT?” And I immediately text my best friend emmy(her nickname) “BISH IDGAF ABOUT YOUR STRICT PARENTS I WILL DRAG AND SNEAK YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR THIS WE AINT MISSING HARRY. WE AINT MISSING SEEING THE MAN IVE BEEN IN LOVE WIG SINCE 2012” and thank god her parents said yes. Emmy and I spent like the next two hours like “Oh let’s make a sign that’s says sing Shania Twain still the one Harry!” and we talked about “what should we do in the city tomorrow before Harry’s show?” Our show day was a very busy day for us. Ready? Let’s go!

So, in the morning I had a college orientation with Emmy and my other friend(I’m calling her Anna for privacy reasons). I arrived there early so from 9:15 am, Anna Emmy and I were learning about our college and making our schedule. We left around 12:30 pm. Emmy and I decided to leave for the city after but we had to pee first so THANK YOU ANNA FOR LIVING CLOSE TO COLLEGE AND ALLOWING US TO USE YOUR BATHROOM. GRACIAS. Oooooh, fun fact: June 22nd was also my graduation date but Emmy and I wasn’t going in the first place so YAY!

Anyways we said goodbye to Anna and we took the train to the city. We stopped at canal street and went to Greenwich village? Why? My friend Emmy is a huge fan of Justin Bieber and 5 Seconds of Summer so we were just like “fuck it! Let’s go hunting for them! Maybe today’s our lucky day” so we are in Greenwich which justin was spotted in but with our luck we couldn’t find him. We were like ‘oh well! Let’s just stroll around’ so we walk and GUESS WHICH APARTMENT BUILDING WE WERE ABOUT TO WALK PAST BY?

HARRY’S. WE WERE ABOUT TO PAST HARRYS APARTMENT. WE WERE ABOUT TO WALK WHERE HARRY WALK. IM TOO HEADASS FOR HIM(btw I don’t stalk him, I didn’t stand outside his building, his apartment address is publicly online and I did not mean to walk past his apartment, IT JUST HAPPENED) I take out my phone and tell emmy where we were and luckily I took a sneak picture low quality of the building. BUT EMMY! EMMY! She was like “I WANT A GOOD QUALITY PICTURE!” Emmy goes, takes a picture of the doors and the security guards give her a mean look from inside the building. And we are like “ABORT MISSION! ABORT!” Moving on, we’re like if we can’t find Justin, we’ll try 5 Seconds of Summer. And guess what? We can’t find them either! At this time it was like, 3 or 4 Pm? And I really need to sit down cause ya girl has no energy whatsoever. So we take the train and go to the area where msg is and we get pizza. Btw msg area is mad busy. Like really busy. Continuing, we finish our pizza. We go check out the outside of msg and I learn that we aren’t allowed in until 6 pm(I heard it from girls outside) And i’m like okay? So Emmy and I buy and get these pride flags and we go to wait and sit outside where the driveway is. So we wait there for like an hour hoping we see anyone but we don’t cause that’s out fucking luck. But we saw like a dressing bag like the ones where suit and dresses are carried in. We highly doubt it was Harry’s suit but hey? Oh and I took a picture right here

Anyways it 6, we go inside, get through scanning and while we are in line, everyone decided to airdrop one direction memes and of course I joined

We were let in at 6:45 pm and we were going to our section. By going, WE RAN. Literally we had to be stopped by a security guard to see our tickets. I’m getting off point but we get to our section and I’m expecting us to be in the middle cause it says row 7. And Emmy tells me we are in the second row and I was just like “??? Our ticket say row 7” and Emmy shows me that the section starts with row 6 and I was just like “BITCH WE’RE CLOSER THAN I THOUGHT. WE’RE ROW 2 ACTUALLY”. So we were seated between where Sarah and Adam was going to be. This was our view

Then we put our shit down, I went to get my harry merch(I got a shirt) and we sat there in our seats waiting for Kacey to start at 8:30 and KACEY IS SO CUTE YALL HAVE NO IDEA SHE IS THE YEEHAW QUEEN. I USUALLY DONT LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC BUT THIS SISTER GOT SOME TUNES. Here’s me singing along(eXcUsE my cringy premature voice I’m 19) I was going crazy during crazy

Then Kacey leaves and we gotta wait another 40 minutes for Harry. I kid you not the whole arena was singing Olivia by 1d even the security guard was shook af

As I was saying, we had to wait 40 minutes more for Harry so it was like 9:30 and FUCKING FINALLY HE COMES OUT AND I SWEAR EVERYONE LOST IT 

ONLY ANGEL STARTED TO PLAY AND EVERYONE WAS SCREAMING. HE WAS SHINING IN HIS GODDAMN CALVIN KLEIN BLUE SUIT AND ISTG I KEPT TELLING MYSELF “BLOW KISSES AT HARRY! BLOW KISSES AT HARRY” SO THIS BISH HARRY COMES TO OUR SECTION I BLOW A KISS AT HIM LIKE THIS AND IDK IF HE SAW ME BUT HE BLEW A KISS WITH HIS HAND TO OUR SECTION AND YES IT GOT CAUGHT ON FUCKING CAMERA HOES

I WAS FUCKING SHAKING. CAUSE I WAS CERTAIN DURING THE CHAIN HE BLEW A KISS BACK AND IF HE BLEW A KISS AT ME DURING ONLY ANGEL IT WOULD BE THE FIRST OF TWO my heart is racing just remembering it. I’ll continue. So he finishes only angel and he introduces himself and he’s so cute I can’t even

Then they play woman and someone threw a bra on stage and I was screaming inside

Then they play Carolina, Stockholm syndrome, Anna, esny, jalboyh and finally fucking MEDICINE. I was going crazy during medicine as we all should. Sarah and Adam were fucking ripping the song up and I couldn’t be more proud. Then Harry talked to the crowd more and THIS HOE CALLED THE BACK(aka us) HIS BEST FRIENDS AND IM JUST LIKE THANK YOU. Then they start to play meet me in the hallway and the goddamn back screen goes down, blocking us from seeing Harry perform the song. EMMY AND I KEPT SHOUTING DISRESPECT AND THE GIRLS IN FRONT OF US WERE LAUGHING. then he the screen lifted up again as he finished the song and he goes down the walk to the b stage with mitch. Mitch is so cute fam. And we could see him get a bunch of flowers and I’m like “it’s what he deserves”. So he’s on b stage now and he begins to sing sweet creature and iicf AND DURING IICF WE ALL HAD OUR FLASHLIGHTS ON IT WAS SO NICE AND LIKE HEAVEN. MY BABY HARRY STARTED TO TEAR UP DURING THE SONG AND I JUST WANTED TO HUG HIM. OOH AND WHILE THEY WERE ON B STAGE, SARAH ADAM AND CLARE WENT OFF THE MAIN STAGE. ADAM AND SARAH WERE TALKING OFF STAGE NEAR US I THINK I HAVE A VIDEO BUT ITS TOO DARK. BUT BASICALLY THEY WERE TALKING AND I GUESS IT WAS ABOUT HOW THEY WERE PLAYING CAUSE ADAM KEPT MAKING A GUITAR GESTURE AND ADAM HAD SUCH A GREAT SMILE AND SARAH WAS SO HAPPY So Harry and Mitch come back and they all play two ghosts and then wmyb 

They finish wmyb and Harry talks to the crowd. He talks to a fan who was visiting from another country and he’s like “what did you do here?!?” being all excited. Then he talks to the girl who came with “I AM WITH CHILD” sign and then we found out she lied and harry criticizes her and he’s like “WE’RE ALL TRYING!” and I couldn’t stop laughing. Emmy said she lost some brain cells during that part. So harry begins to talk about sign of the times and me and Emmy were like “let’s shout FUCK TRUMP out loud”. WE DIDNT. We didn’t have the chance to but WE TRIED. The girls in front of us were smiling and laughing at us. I blame Harry cause he kept on talking so he couldn’t hear it anyways. Anyways sign of the times plays and everyone has their flashlights on. IT WAS MAGICAL.

So harry and the band leaves to do something and I’m like “wtf u going” so I start to record and they go under the stage. I guess they were doing a photo down there but they come back on a minute later.

They perform from the dining table and I WAS SO SAD I WAS READY TO FIGHT WHOEVER HURT MY BABY. then from the dining table was over and Harry’s like “I’m gonna sing another song” AND I FUCKING TOLD EMMY “WATCH IT BE STILL THE ONE” and BITCH I WAS CORRECT. So he brings Kacey on

They start to sing still the one and I was in my emotions fam and Kacey wore the rainbow dress and I was like YES QUEEN AND THEY BOTH MADE SO MUCH EYECONTACT IT WAS SO CUTE. Then Kacey leaves and they start to play the chain and I was like HELL YEAH AND DURING THE CHAIN HARRY SAID “DAMCE LIKE NO ONE IS NEXT TO YOU. YOURE NOT GOING TO SEE THESE PEOPLE TOMORROW” AND THAT HIT ME AND EVERYONE ELSE AND I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD THE WHOLE ARENA WAS SHAKING LIKE I COULDNT EVEN STAND BECAUSE I WAS AVOUT TO FALL FROM THE AMOUNT OF JUMPING GOING ON AND THIS IS WAS WHEN HE BLEW A KISS AT ME. SO ITS LIKE THE END OF THE SONG AND HE COMES TO THE BACK AND IMMEDIATELY START TO BLOW KISSES AT HIM WITH BOTH HANDS LIKE BEFORE AND I WAS PRETTY SURE HE SAW ME BECAUSE HE BLEW A KISS WITH BOTH HANDS IN MY DIRECTION AND THEN HE DID THAT TO ALL TE OTHER SECTIONS. BITCH I WAS SHAKING.

The chain ends and they start to play kiwi and I get sad af because I know it’s the last song and harrrys like “this is the last song” and inside I’m like “I KNOW HOE DONT RUB IT IN MY FACE” I have to applaud miss Sarah jones whose fucking drumming was amazing. She fuckingkilled it. Kiwi plays and everyone was losing their shit having the times of their lives and then in the middle of kiwi some girl splashed Harry with water and he sings “YOURE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT” HE GOES STRAIGHT SAVAGE AND SOAKS HER AND EVERYONE AROUND. kiwi finishes and Harry does the whale water spit and oh my god it was ICONIC AF. Harry leaves first then the rest of the band and I was just standing there like SHIT. Emmy had to drag me out. I felt wasted after the concert IT WAS A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE. LET ME JUST TELL YOU IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO SEE HARRY LIVE GO FOR IT DONT MISS YA CHANCE. A WHOLE DIFFERENT SIDE OF ME EMERGED THAT NIGHT SO THANK YOU HAROLD I HAD PROBABKY THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE THANKS TO YOU. EMMY AND I GOT TO DANCE WITH OUR PRIDE FLAGS AND WERE SO HAPPY. HARRY MAKES HIS SHOWS SO WELCOMING AND HAPPY. MISS CLARE IS SO CUTE. MITCH AND SARAH ARE SUCH PARENTS AND ADAM IS SUXH A GREAT FRIENDLY PERSON I MISS THEM SO MUCH THATS IT I MISS MY CONCERT SO MUCH I CRY

ALL PHOTO AND VIDEOS ARE CREDITED TO ME AND MY FRIENDS. DONT STEAL. I’ll post the full versions of the videos i have on my twitter. TUMBLR IS A DICK FOR ONLY ALLOWING GIFS of them. 

Btw should I also write about my 5sos iheartradio experience and seeing Harry at the Dunkirk premiere? Tell me if ya want to know byeeee

[barbiecookies]

Do you script in present or future tense and what are some things that you have manifested through LOA? I'm trying to get into manifesting, but i feel I haven't quite mastered it yet.

Hey! This is gonna be a long ass post because I want to give you as much info as possible. So here we go!When I script I script in present or past tense as if it just happened or is currently happening. Don’t script in future tense because with LoA/manifesting you have to act as though its already happened or you already have it.When you script be as descriptive as possible. Describe how you felt/feel, what you are wearing, what the weather is like, everything you can. The first time I scripted, which was last week sometime i believe, i wrote 16 pages because i wanted to be as detailed as possible. Write all your scripts in a journal by hand so that its all in one place and is more authentic. Then when youre done let it go and let the universe do the rest. Thats the hardest part I have with manifesting. Letting go.Definitely go back and reread what you scripted occasionally and visualize it happening, but try not to obsess over it because then you start to put out the wrong energy and could manifest the opposite of what you want.I personally feel like i’ve manifested everything i currently have in my life at the moment. From my career to where i’m able to live. I made a post about this in the past, but in short about 5 or so years ago Erykah Badu wrote a tweet about manifesting and basically said write it down and watch it happen. I did and literally everything I wrote, which was just 3 things, has come to fruition. Now in the process I have worked hard and done what i can to help the universe help me, but opportunities were put in my path to help me get there.I dont think i ever mentioned what I wrote down because it was kind of personal. But I said I wanted to have a job/career that i loved and made enough money to efficiently care for myself and my son. I also wrote that I wanted to live more south in my county because its a more affluent area with better opportunities, especially education opportunities as far as schools go for my son.My current job ive been at for almost 4 years im making close to 6-figures and I really love my job and the owners really like me and value me as an employee. Im also able to care for myself and my son without having to live paycheck to paycheck.As far as where i live, i did move more south like 3 years ago and moved even more south 3 months ago to a more affluent area in my county and am able to maintain and still live below or within my means.I’ve always written down my intentions, which is a form of scripting, but i just learned recently about scripting and how you should be more detailed.I do feel as though the guy i am currently involved with is a manifestation of intentions i set the beginning of last year a few months before i met him. I wasnt very descriptive but just wrote down basic traits i wanted in a significant other and he is literally that plus more. Only thing is, which i wasnt detailed about, was feelings, emotions and commitment blah blah blah. But I rewrote my intentions and added more details and i do feel the dynamic of our relationship has changed lately. Also, i do refer to him as my husband, of course not to him, but its another way for me to speak what i want into existence. Literally everyone in my life refers to him as my husband too because I do so, and I feel like that is a way of manifesting as well. Might sound kinda crazy or delusional but whatever 🤷🏾‍♀️ Manifesting a specific person is another story, and online a lot of people say you cant do it, but i truly believe you can without messing with anyones free will. I’ll have to keep you updated on how that goes.So it’s important that you are detailed because the universe will troll you and give you want you want but in a form you may not want. If you want a specific mate be specific about their physical attributes too, cause the universe can bless you with all the non-physical characteristics but physically you have a baldheaded hobbit. LOL. If you’re wanting to manifest money and script or write intentions on how you will attain that money, just make sure you write something along the lines of no harm being done to anyone if you receive this money, that way nothing weird happens in the process.Anyway, I do watch a lot of youtube videos on it that gives me a better understanding. Mainly just 4 people who seem to be consistent and get results themselves. Their names are:Leeor AlexandraSam OzkuralKailyn BowmanAaron DoughtyLook them up and you’ll learn about signs that your intentions are coming to fruition and more about scripting and also letting go of the outcome. One of Sam Ozkural’s videos i want to share with you she talks about scripting and how she manifested something but wasnt descriptive about it and got it, but not in the form she actually wanted it.https://youtu.be/xgpCzUvu31AAlso, i just bought a book the dude im involved with suggested to me this past weekend, i found out hes starting to get into law of attraction too which is exciting!The name of the book is: Get What You Want- The art of making and manifesting your intentions by Tony BurroughsHope this info helped! If you have any questions let me know and I can try and answer them the best I can. Im no pro or master and am still learning and figuring stuff out myself but I do truly believe in this and feel it does work! Other things have manifested for me that i havent included cause this is already so long, but just trust the process and dont let anyone tell you that you can’t do it. You always can.