#dijon is not far from here

[soft-persephone]

A Fresh Start 1

Mother’s Milk x Fem!Reader

M // WC: 1.3k // warnings: eventual smut, potential descriptions of mild violence, but mostly fluff, mostly sweet, typical romcom shenanigans // masterlist

“I don’t wanna go to the party.”

You sucked in a breath, holding back a sigh of frustration.

“I don’t wanna go to the party.” 

You sucked in a breath, holding back a sigh of frustration. 

“TT, you need to make friends.” 

Life was not what it should be, especially when 8 year olds are worried about your social life and general well being. 

“Momo, I’m an adult,” you started softly, mustering all the cool calm collected and comforting and safe space energy you could, “and I take care of you. Not the other way around.” You put a hand on her shoulder, sliding it up and down her back. 

“Thank you for thinking about me and caring about me. I love you just as much.” You studied her, hoping you weren’t making anything worse, “but you don’t need to worry about me. There’s nothing to worry about. Go have fun with your friends, and I’ll be here when you’re ready to go or the party ends. Deal?”

“Will you at least be on your best behavior?”

You sighed. 

“Go play with your friends.”

“But I just—“

“Now, Mo.”

Kids. You shook your head and grabbed the tray of food you made per the list that was sent out. 

“You made it!” One of the mom’s wrapped her arms around you. You did your best not to look as uncomfortable as you felt. 

“Thank you for having me.” You smiled and gave her the tray. 

“Uhm, Sweetie. . . What are these?”

“Pigs in a blanket. Slightly charred A grade beef sausages, the mini ones of course, wrapped in a croissant dough, dusted with a caramel Dijon mustard and pepper sauce.” 

“They’re third graders.” Sheila blinked at you. 

You pouted with a huff. 

“They’re just pigs in a blanket!”

“Sheila stop giving her a hard time.” 

“Hi, I’m Tracey.” She looked back to you with a smile. 

You introduced yourself slowly to all the other parents. 

“So you’re Monice’s mother?”

You squeezed your hand. 

Of course they all knew. At this point who didn’t. 

“Uhm,” you took a breath for courage, “I’m actually her Aunt. Her mother didn’t make it through the accident.”

That’s what you had to call it, but it was far from an accident. Your dead sister in law and your brother in critical condition in a comma is not what you call an accident. Especially, when the forces that caused it had enough power in the world to prevent it if they weren’t such careless fucks.

But you couldn't say that part out loud or you’d get sued. . . or worse.

Some people gasped and you wanted to shrivel up and disappear. You wanted everyone to stop looking at you like you were about to break because you were, but it’s hard to keep it all together or at least pretend to with so many eyes on you. 

“How are you holding up through all this?”

“We’re uh, we’re good. Monice obviously needed some therapy after what happened, and she wouldn’t do it unless I did it with her, but I honestly  needed it too.”

Someone had made you a plate.

 The pasta salad was amazing and the ribs spectacular. It was good to be around your people. You ignored the growing ache of your family. You all had been in shambles since the accident. Your mother barely talked to anyone. Your father was angry, but somehow rather a calm in the eye of a storm. He was holding it together for everyone, but at his age, he did not need to be doing anything like that, and nothing you said calmed either of them down.

“And you’re doing this alone?” Someone chimed in with a hand over their heart.

“Well, I had a boyfriend, but I guess he,uh wasn’t ready. He basically said he couldn’t be there for me.” You realized that might sound harsh, so  you continued in an effort to diffuse the reality of your words, “he took me on a date to this beautiful restaurant we loved.”

You smiled at the thought, fighting tears. 

“It was all so nice. . .  And then he just started talking about how emotionally draining being with me was. How he didn’t want to start living with a kid and change his whole life around. That he still wanted more time and that it was just too much for him.” You picked at the roll on your plate. 

“I always thought I had more time too, but none of that matters. Momo’s entire life has been turned upside down, and she doesn’t know if her father will ever come back into her life or not. She’s scared all the time.” Your voice cracked. 

“And this past Monday I was on the phone with my therapist just opening up trying, just trying,  to get to a good place so I can be there for Mo, but she overheard me say I Feel like I’m alone and drowning with everything and that I just want my big brother back, and now she’s so worried about me being alone and always asking me about my friends not being there  for me like they were before and I just—“

Fuck you didn’t  mean to say all that. You don’t mean to cry. 

“Should we?” Sheila looked at Tracey  who only shook her head. 

“Maybe you should talk to Marvin?”

That’s all everyone in this community says. 

“I heard Monice used to go to a different school?”

You bit your lip. Unsure what to say. 

“She was suspended.” You said matter of factly.

“After everything she’s been through?” Tracey asked.

“Everyone experiences trauma different. I want to curl into a ball, stay in my bed,  and cry all day.” You sighed at nothing in particular, “Momo gets angry. Other kids still love superheroes and she lives in a world where superheroes took her family away. Long story short I’m in an office and they're telling me she’s a bully and has to go because her behavior is unacceptable.”

“That can’t be right.”Sheila said, aghast. “She’s a little black girl. It must be some sort of a mistake. You know how they are when we aren’t perfect all the time and I heard it was a pretty prestigious school.”

“I’d love to believe that was the case, but it’s not. She owned up to it. Told me everything and now we have to face the consequences of our actions, so bye bye old school, old friends, and all the other stuff.”

Everyone kind of stared at  you.

Fuck.

You said something wrong. Or you don’t look so heartbroken and beaten down and broken enough, Or was it your parenting? 

It was probably all of it. 

You got overwhelmed, you wanted to chill out, you wanted to scream, you wanted to cry, but you got through it. 

Doing your best to politely end the conversation and questions, you do your best to play along and get through the day, but you can only hold back so much. Your forget what type of world you live in versus everyone else and you say the wrong thing. Quietly, you make your escape outside when no one's looking. 

You looked out at the kids running around with large bubble wands and toys galore. 

Momo seems to be having the grandest time with another  little black girl. They chased each other with large bubbles, attempting to pop them on each other’s head.

She made a friend. 

All of a sudden your shoulders were falling back and down into something relaxed. You were exhaling a breath you didn’t know you were holding. 

Were you that tense the whole time? 

You shook your head and made your way to the desert table once more. 

There were these croissant donut things or some type of pastry. It looked so good, but you couldn't tell which one you wanted most. Between the decadent looking chocolate and the mouthwatering matcha strawberry. You couldn’t tell which one might taste better. 

You only wanted one.

“You must be related to Monice?” A rich deep voice interrupted you. 

You slightly turn around to meet warm brown eyes and equally comforting dark skin. 

Butterflies filled your stomach. You chased the feeling down by fiddling with your fingers, still looking at him so it doesn’t  come off as awkward as you felt. 

“What gave it away?” 

“You both stick your tongue in your cheek and pout when you can’t decide between more than one thing.”

You huffed a laugh through your nose. Your eyes rolling dramatically around not sure what to look at.

“I do not pout.” You crossed your arms. “I’m not a child.

“Well you're acting like one.” He picked up both croissants with a napkin and placed them on two plates. He gingerly cut both in half with a knife and swapped one of the halves. “Here, now you can have both.”

You held out both your hands. Looking at the plate and back up to him. 

“How-how?”

“What do we say?” He ignored you. Taking a step into your space, leaning down so his face was in yours and staring. 

“Stop.” You laughed but he didn’t move. 

“Ugh, fine.” You smacked  your teeth. “Thank you.” 

“I’ll take it, but you could sound more grateful.”

“Mm.” You grunted at him and took a bite of the matcha one first. 

He followed as you sat on the edge of the patio to continue to watch the kids play outside.

“Why don’t you come back in with the rest of them?” 

“You mean inside with the women?”

He gave you an unamused look. 

“You know what I meant.”

“Well, they started playing fuck marry kill for the Vaught dummies.” You picked at the corner of your paper plate, “and I excitedly yelled kill Homelander before anyone could say anything.”

You expected him to empathize. Maybe even give you a: damn, that’s tough. In the way some black men talk when they can’t express emotions, but what you don’t expect him to do was laugh.

“It’s not funny.” You muttered into your chocolate pastry as you took a bite. 

“What did they say?” He bellowed and  put his hand on his stomach. 

“Nothing!” You laughed as he wiped a tear. “And that’s what makes it worse. I sorta lied and said I had to go to the bathroom and I’ve been out here ever since.”

“Well it’s nice to not be the only one around here.”

“The only one around here what?” 

He looked at you. Really, looked at you. 

“Who hates Supes.” He said lowly, leaning in so no one walking by could hear you. 

You didn’t say anything and took another bite of the matcha one. You winced and he sort of turned to you, extending a hand as if he was going to hurily fix whatever was wrong. 

“It’s fine,” you explained with a lick of your lips, “the matcha one doesn’t taste as good when you take a bite of the  chocolate one before it, “it took me by surprise.”

“Oh.. right.” He put his free hand back on his plate, taking the piece of matcha pastry and stuffing the whole thing in his mouth, making  him look 30 years younger.  Like a really- really big kid.  

You wanted to tease him for it. 

But instead you handed him a napkin. 

He silently took it before popping his thumb in his mouth and placing it on your cheek. You held in a breath as he wiped it across the corner of your mouth.

“I—“ you started.

“Bad habit. I have a—

“DADDY!!”

A little girl squealed and ran up to you both. 

You held a hand over your eyes to block the setting sun. 

The man you wished you had asked a name of did his best to discretely lean away from you without his daughter noticing how close you were. 

His daughter didn’t notice, but Momo was studying his every move. 

Fuck, how were you about to explain this? Or rather, what is it that she thinks she saw and were you about to have a conversation you did not want to have. . . How much did she see? What is this? Was there even anything you need to explain in the first place?

“This is my new friend Monice! She goes by Momo or Mo!” His daughter went on and on to her father about every little fact about Mo, filling you with absolute glee. 

Kids had that effect on you. 

Whatever they were feeling  just filled you up to the tips of your toes on steroids. Whatever she was about to ask him for you hoped he said yes. Who could say no to her? Certainly not you, but other adults seemed immune by this supernatural power obtained by every child. How? You’d never know. 

It was your kryptonite. 

“Can she spend the night?”

“Or can she spend the night at my house TT?” Momo excitedly interjected. 

You looked up at, Daddy from where you were sitting on the patio. He had his arms crossed in thought but as he looked down, you could feel him telling you to pull yourself together. 

You bit the inside of your cheek. A habit you developed whenever you were deciding how to parent. 

“Maybe some other time when me and Mr. . .”

“Milk” He filled in for you. 

“Can talk about it? Okay?”

“What she said Janine.” Was all Mr. Milk said. 

Janine was about to open her mouth to say more, but Momo knew better and pulled her away with a sigh. 

“I can never have anything!” She frantically exclaimed as she dragged her friend away.

“But we —“

“No. We can’t!” Momo yelled back just to make sure you heard her. 

Kids. 

“You let her act like that?”

You narrowed your eyes and bit back a smile. 

“Like what?”

“Oh, you know what I’m talking about.” He stuffed the other pastry in his mouth and brushed his hands together to get rid of the excess crumbs, making sure they didn't hit his clothes, “you’re spoiled too.”

“What makes you say that.”

“Spoiled children raise spoiled children.” He said it matter of factly, like it was wise somehow, and pulled a wet wipe out of his pocket. He handed you one as well before neatly putting the packet back in his jacket pocket. 

“Sounds really funny coming from you.” Was all you said in the same casual tone he used before, taking the wipe and cleaning the excess sugar and sticky residue from your hands.  

“Oh yeah.” He challenged, crossing his arms. 

A cheeky grin slowly formed on your face. . 

“Not when your daughter is clearly a Daddy’s girl.”

“Let me stop you right there—“

“—Who clearly gets everything she wants and more from you.” You raised a finger to his chest and he leaned in letting it touch him. 

You don’t realize how excited you had got. Your cheeks were puffy with tears from laughing and your chest heaving from raising your voice for so long. 

“And you love it.” You added with a huff and parted lips.”

“Takes one to know one.” He huffed. Perfectly still and unaffected, a wall of calm, but you saw the twitch of his lip. 

“Look who’s pouting now.” You smirked. 

He pulled away from you with a smack of his teeth and a groan. 

“You got lucky.”

You curled your feet in the grass before you. Taking in the sounds and sights around for the first time, letting them wash over you, truly enjoying them since the first turn you arrived. 

You were lucky. 

.

.

Let me know if you’d like to be tagged in next chapter:

@megamindsecretlair @nerdieforpedro @planetblaque @chaithetics @notapradagurl7

[aedislumen]

Did Prieur Claude Antoine really have a daughter with Madame Vêtu in 1788 (or is it just a strong possibility)?

Whether Prieur had a daughter with Catherine-Elisabeth Vétu, born Joly, is something we can never know for sure, unless we go back in time and ask them. However, according to both Paul Arbelet and Georges Bouchard, who had the chance of having access to Prieur's complete collection of personal papers, there's strong evidence that the latter might have truly been the biological father of Madame Vétu's last child.

Before delving into the matter, allow me a little digression on how Prieur and Catherine came to know each other.

The two met in 1785, when he was 22 and she was 29; yes, she was seven years older than him! The former moved to Dijon both for military duty and to assist Louis-Bernard Guyton in his scientific works. The young officer needed a place to stay and one of the rooms of the Vétu family house revealed itself to be the most suitable for him. Bouchard guessed that the two might have become close very soon, allowing Prieur to eat and sleep there for free since his low salary at the time wouldn't have allowed him to always pay the rent. (1)

Not a far-fetched speculation, considering Catherine’s lively character and active participation in the management of her husband's grocery store; at that time managing a business implied a minimum of education and both a strong dedication and commitment to work; qualities that Prieur appreciated and admired in a person. On the other hand, Catherine, despite the age gap, must have been impressed by Prieur's reserved, hardworking character and polite manners, something that her husband seemed to be lacking. (2)

In 1785 Catherine already had two children, Pierre, 9 years old and Bernard, 7 years old; three years later, her last one, Claudine was born. Prieur was chosen as godfather, or offered to be.

Here's the child's baptism certificate I managed to find in the Cote-d'Or archives:

[Source: Archives de la Côte-d'Or, Registres paroissiaux et état civil, XVIe siècle-1938 (sous-série 2 E). Collection communale 1579-1792, Toutes paroisses, FRAD021EC 239/095, Vues 0252-0317 : Paroisse Saint-Jean, Baptêmes et Mariages, janvier 1788-décembre 1788, vue 279]

Claudine-Denise, fille du Sr Joseph Vétu, marchand épicier et demoiselle Catherine Joly son épouse, est venue au monde et a été baptisée ce jourd'hui 2 mai 1788, son parrain, M. Claude-Antoine Prieur Duvernoy, écuyer, officier au corps royal du génie, représenté par le Sr Jean-François Boiteux, épicier, et sa marraine, dame Claudine-Denise Couturier, veuve du sieur Bernard Joly, son aïeule maternelle. (3)

EN: Claudine-Denise, daughter of Joseph Vétu, grocery merchant and of Catherine Joly, his spouse, was born and baptized on this day 2 May 1788, her godfather being M. Claude-Antoine Prieur Duvernoy, esquire, officier in the Corps Royal du Génie, represented by Sr. Jean-François Boiteux, grocer, and her godmother dame Claudine-Denise Couturier, widow of Monsieur Bernard Joly, her maternal grandmother.

As mentioned before, the supposition that Claude-Antoine might have been more than a simple godfather stems from some facts that for Arbelet and Bouchard are pretty emblematic: In Prieur's personal notes, there's a date written down by him and another one right next to it, which not only corresponds to Claudine's birthday, but it's curiously nine months distant from the first date. I’m not an expert on 18th century customs, but it’s not unlikely that men wrote down the date in which they had intercourses with a woman to know if they were the father of the child that might have later been born. When Claudine was 17, Prieur arranged a marriage between her and a friend of his, Drappier, to whom he later associated the business the former was running at the time; at the time these engagements for a girl were her father’s or her guardian’s duty. When Prieur wrote his testament, he left quite a sum of francs to Claudine's son as inheritance and lastly, there's also a letter from an old garrison fellow of Prieur, in which there's written "I wish good morning to you and your women". (4)

I’d like also to add that from the bits of their correspondence shared by Bouchard and the overall treatment Prieur reserved for her throughout her life, the two seemed to be pretty close, linked by an intimacy that goes beyond the one between a woman and an old family friend. He was always there for her, sent her various gifts and helped her financially. In my opinion, this further confirms the hypothesis that Claudine was his real daughter.

Why did he never adopt her, not even after Joseph Vétu’s death? It’s a question that those who wrote about Prieur never asked themselves, but that I personally wonder. The only thing I can think of right now, given my limited knowledge, is that he didn’t want to give her his surname and cause her to be persecuted. Despite never being the target of slander, he had been part of the revolutionary government responsible for the Terror and not a normal one, but a member of the “bloodthirsty Committee of Public Safety of Year II”: so was the view of the Great CSP during the Napoleonic Era and Restoration.

It’s Prieur himself that in a letter dated 1814 to General Marescot reveals he resigned from public life at the beginning of the century because he foresaw the persecution the members of the government prior to the Consulate would have endured. (5) If he had had a concern for his daughter, it would have been a legitimate one: Sadi Carnot couldn’t advance in the army, despite deserving it, and was denied some positions, because of the surname he bore.

Edit: thanks to @nesiacha 's detailed answer about inheritance and legitimate/illegitimate children during the First Empire a more plausible reason why Prieur decided not to legally adopt her lies in the fact that Claudine not only wouldn't been granted the same rights as a natural child as far as inheritance was concerned: she would have received significantly less; but also illegitimate children were often viewed in a very hostile and negative way, in some instances, even considered as "monstrosities in the social order" and a "real calamity for morals". He clearly didn't want to stain Claudine's honour. Last but not least, Prieur and Catherine-Elisabeth never married after Joseph Vétu's death and the latter recognised Claudine as his daughter when she was born, so I don't think it would have been easy for Prieur to pass over this.

References

G. Bouchard, Prieur de la Côte-d’Or, 1946, p. 54-58.

P. Arbelet, La jeunesse de Prieur de la Côte-d’Or, Revue du dix-huitième siècle, 1916, p. 38-51

Notes

Curiously in their correspondence, Claudine always calls Prieur "mon cher parrain" (= my dear godfather) and nothing in those letter hints at the fact she might have known her real father's identity.

On page 56 of Prieur’s biography, Bouchard affirms with confidence that the date of Thursday 1 December 1785 which Prieur wrote in his “Tableau du temps... depuis 1782 jusqu'en 1792.” - a sort of list of the main events of his life - corresponds to the latter’s unofficial engagement with Catherine. Considering that Prieur arrived in Dijon in August, it means it took them four months to fall in love with each other. Though, except for a vague remark on “a certain number of coincidences that would be too long to report”, Bouchard doesn’t explain in specific how he got to that conclusion.

From some letters and papers that Prieur kept, Joseph Vétu appeared as a “lousy and insignificant man” (G. Bouchard, p. 56).

Transcription by Bouchard (p. 58 of his biography)

Letter from Andréossy to Prieur (G. Bouchard, p. 361).

Letter to Marescot of 18 April 1814 (G. Bouchard, p.380-381).

[disgustingtwitches]

We'll Gather Lilacs

Johnny only knows how to give, and Simon only knows how to take. Selfish in ways they’ll never admit, always aching for more. Closer than anyone they've known, divided by a distance neither can cross. A silent voice begs, Love me. Another hesitates, How?

WWII!Ghost/Soap

AO3

MACTAVISH

July 1944

It's dark. Pitch black, actually. Someone's calling my name, sounds far, muffled.

“Soap!”

It's LT. Guess being dead ain't so bad after all.

“Soap!”

Jesus, even in death he's angry. I wonder if Ma got my letter in time for her birthday. Ough, my head's killing.

“Johnny! Open your fucking eyes, Johnny!”

Look at that, there he is. Holding my shoulder. No. He's shaking it. I groan, throat dry,

“A’m here.”

He's holding his hand out. I should take it before he tears me a new one.

“C'mon Johnny.”

Fuck me, it's a pain to get up. My head's pounding. It's official, I'm not dead. That's good, Ma would've killed me if I didn't make it to Moira's wedding.

“Get it together, Sergeant.”

He's in a mood today. Check my gun. Then ammo. Then body. Where am I again?

Fwip. Fwip. Fwip.

Right, in the middle of fucking Dijon. Simon tugs at my jacket. My turn to shoot. We switch positions. Peek from the corner and pull the trigger, hide behind the wall while I get showered in brick dust and pebbles.

“Soap!”

My eyes focus on the voice across the street. Gaz and Cap are taking cover behind a crumbling wall.

“Aye!”

"Let's end this, yeah?"

Cap yells, holding onto Kyle's shoulders, waving a finger around in a circle.

"Yes, sir! Ye hear that LT?"

Turn my head, and there he is. Looking right into my eyes, close enough I could smell his sweat. Christ. He nods, giving me a solid smack to my back, taking my place.

"Clean 'em up real good, Johnny."

"Always do, LT."

Run around buildings, or what used to be buildings. This is what London looks like now. And Manchester. And Belfast. And Glasgow. Ash and rubble. Remnants of families and businesses, life. Burnt to a crisp. Books and tables scattered in the rooms I pass. My run comes to a crouched walk, approaching the back of where the stragglers are held up. Gaz is waiting for me, kneeling,

“There's only two left, should just take them out from right here.”

We held our breaths while he opened the door, just enough to aim, hoping the hinges didn't squeal. And they didn't.

Gaz always seemed to have luck on his side. Guess all of us did in some way. We were all still alive, somehow. Although, LT might not be here because of luck. No, I think he's far from lucky. Actually, he might be the unluckiest man I've ever known. But he is stubborn. Each time Saint Peter sent for him, he turned his back, marching right back to where he belonged: in his scarred body, wearing his uniform, holding a gun, boots and pants caked with mud and blood. Searching for something. I haven't figured out what though. One day I'll find out. Maybe.

Gaz straightens out his arm, steadying his hands and aiming. I follow suit.

“Three. Two. One.”

One shot. Two shots. We sat at the door, waiting to see if either one of those bastards was still breathing. They seemed still enough, but for good measure, three then four shots,

“All clear!”

Kyle shouts, scanning the room for traps before walking in, heavy boots kicking rocks out the way,

“Shouldn't waste ammo like that, Soap.”

Dunno why he's complaining, we've dealt with much worse and had far less,

“Ye'r life costs more than a bullet, Gaz.”

He makes a face while patting down the limp corpses, opening letters, and taking whatever seems useful. I kneel next to him when he hands me a knife; it's heavy, the wooden handle carved with the words Gott vergib mir. Not the standard ones they usually carry. I unsheath it and twirl it around my fingers before tucking it into my pocket.

Gaz’s eyes go wide when he looks up, staring at me like I’ve grown a second head,

"Mate..."

I pat myself down, looking for blood or wounds,

“What, I’m shot?”

“Look at your bloody helmet.”

He laughs in disbelief, hands on his knees.

I slide off my helmet, turn it in my hands,

“Feck me...”

There it is, a bullet hole. Clean through the metal, just a breath away from my skull. Less than a bawhair from being a goner. Forget luck- Ma must be paying Saint Michael himself a fortune to keep me alive.

Me and Kyle sit in silence for a while. Wouldn't be the first time something like this happens and sure as hell won't be the last.

Ghost’s voice breaks the spell, drifting from behind us like it’s all a joke.

“Not like it would’ve done much damage. Probably would’ve missed your brain by a mile,” He says, broken glass crunching under his boots. I could see the smile behind his mask.

Cheeky fucker.

No use in thinking too much about it. Seen worse, haven’t I? This is nothing. No point in dwelling. I stand up, shoulders tight, neck stiff, but alive. Always alive, for now.

“Anythin' good?”

Price walks in through whatever's left of the front door, lighting up a cigar.

“Some ammo. Looks like they’ve nabbed some American gear too.”

Gaz hands a rifle to the Captain, who hums, pleased. He peers down the sights,

“Bloody Yanks always get the good kit. Ought to bump into them more often.”

“Liberate a few guns and shirts from em, yeah?”

Gaz chuckles, standing and brushing off his trousers.

“Maybe some fuckin food while we're at it,”

Ghost says, standing directly behind me now. I flinch and turn to him, his dark eyes locked on the hole in my helmet,

“Fat bastards got better rations than the civvies back home.”

Price snorts, shaking his head,

“Spoiled bunch they are, butter on bacon.”

We set up in the only building that was left standing, dragging the bodies out back. Price groans while settling down against a wall,

“Look at us, sleeping in a room with four walls like we're high society.”

I slump down next to Gaz, rolling my neck. A smile creeps across Kyle's face while he's folding up his overcoat,

“A room with a roof, no less. Proper luxury, that.”

He tucks his makeshift pillow behind his head before looking up at me, smirking. Pretty bastart, wonder how many hearts he's broken with that look. The floorboards groan under his weight while he turns over and he falls asleep. I lean my head against the wall, closing my eyes. I hear Ghost shuffling around downstairs before it's dead quiet.

I don’t dream much these days. Don’t think I want to anyway. It’s all blood, bombs, and screaming. All soot-covered faces, eyes glazed over, full of fear.

Last dream I had was coming home—bag slung over my shoulder, walking past the neighbors, their pitying frowns, their clothes in tatters. Not a building in sight, but I kept walking, like nothing had changed.

There’s a bit of fog hanging in the air, barely noticeable at first, curling at the edges of my vision. It’s not until I reach where my house used to be that I feel it—a sinking feeling. Barely there, like the fog that thickens around my feet, but I ignore it. Still, I keep moving, drop my bag, and take off my boots at a front door that’s not there.

“Maw, A’m hame.”

The fog wraps tighter, rising with soot that’s now up to my knees. I turn corners that aren’t there anymore, like the walls are still standing. Like they haven’t been gone for weeks. Months.

“Maw?”

The sinking feeling grows heavier, like the fog that creeps higher, swallowing the ground beneath me. I reach where the kitchen used to be, but all that’s left is the oven. The soot shifts, turning into water, up to my thighs as I wade through the rest of the house.

“Maw? Moira? James?”

I search through the ghost of a door frame, squinting through the mist, hoping they’ll be there-waiting, big smiles, arms open. But I can’t see them. I can’t see anything. The water is blacker than black now, swallowing my legs, thick as peat. My feet sink deeper with each step.

My heart hammers in my chest, hands clammy. I try to call out again but my throat tightens. The fog thickens until it’s suffocating, swirling around me, so dense I can’t see my hand when I hold it out. The water to sludge now, rises higher, up to my chest, thick as tar. My eyes sting. The sinking feeling turns into a pull, dragging me into that dark abyss. My life flashes before me.

It’s all blood, bombs, and screaming. All soot-covered faces, eyes glazed over, full of fear.

It's dark. Pitch black, actually. Someone's calling my name, sounds far, muffled.

“MacTavish.”

Before I get a chance to open my eyes, LT’s boot shoves my legs. I blink to see him standing- no, looming- over me. Does he always have to look so angry all the time?

“Aye.”

“On your feet, Sergeant.”

“Aye.”

He helps me up and leads me to where he was posted, lifting his mask just enough to light up a smoke. I lean on the doorframe across from him,

“Ye'r not goin' to sleep, LT? We got a long day ahead.”

“That desperate for a wank, Johnny?”

“Without ye, LT? Wouldn’t dream o’ it.”

The corner of his lip twitches as takes a long drag, the red ember lighting up his face. Haven't seen the rest of it, but I got a good idea of what he looks like: scars of various sizes scattered here and there, crooked nose, perpetual eye black, the occasional blonde hair peeking through. For a moment it was quiet, save for the sound of crickets and katydids. He exhales, smoke billowing out his nostrils,

“Did good today, Johnny.”

“Same to you sir.”

He hands me his cigarette, watching my every move. His jaw clenches when our eyes lock. The tension in his shoulders eased just a fraction, and I saw a flicker of warmth in his gaze. Suddenly, every racing thought I had came to a screeching halt when he leaned forward, grabbing the smoke from my mouth,

“Johnny,”

His voice is low, raspy. My face burns, his nose nearly touching mine,

“Si- Lieutenant.”

The wood above us screeches, he pulls away faster than I can blink. We freeze, waiting for another sound, but all we can hear is Price’s god-awful snoring. One of them must've shifted around in their sleep.

He clears his throat while he leans against the doorframe, towering over me. He tucks his thumb under his belt loops while I shove my hands in my pockets, running my fingers over whatever I shoved in there earlier. I speak in a whisper that makes him lean in again,

“Got ye somethin nice.”

“That right?”

He says in a voice I've only heard a handful of times before: breathy, almost a sigh, broad accent coming through. He takes a drag when I pull out the knife, holding his hand out,

“Mhm.”

He hums in acknowledgment when I set it in his wide palm. He slides it out and inspects it, holding it under moonlight to see the handle. He snorts when he reads it,

“Yeah, real nice.”

He tucks the knife in his boot and straightens up, flicking his smoke, roughly patting my face,

"Good boy."

He heads upstairs, sleeping with the rest of the crew. Two hours later I am relieved by Garrick.

Wish he left his hand there longer than he did.

[david-watts]

Emerald, peridot, forest, pea, and dartmouth!

emerald: what's your favourite place to visit? why? I have a few places, the most accessible to me being don river railway

(picture from 2021 I think)

I've been going there since one of the most significant years of my life, 2004, I've been on some of the last and I'm pretty sure The last mainline excursions, I had my photograph in the paper when they had a 'day out with thomas' event when I was five, and it has my favourite locomotive which you can see in the right of the photograph there. I would be going there far more than I do now if I could drive!

second place is melbourne. a lot of my family lives there now (family that I'm likely to want to see, that is) but also it's genuinely just a much nicer place to be than where I live. figures, we caused it to exist by having the pub that syphilis-riddled arsehole stole the idea in. it has passenger rail! the arcades are gorgeous! I don't feel like I have nowhere to be after four o'clock!

lastly is the west coast, which is less accessible than melbourne, because I don't know if it's just the routes we've taken and the fact we stopped on one of them and got lost on the other occasion but it takes like six hours minimum to get there. but it is gorgeous. I think the memory of the trip in 2017 is very precious to me even though I was having an actual miserable time. 2017 is another significant year to me so that may be why. it has a lot of very interesting tramways and railways, including the abt railway, the museum at zeehan was really interesting, and also I think that it would be funny for the afl matches held in tasmania to all be played on the queenstown oval. I don't care about afl, but I would watch it if it were so.

(I don't know whether I took this or my m*ther took this. considering it's on a straight angle it might have been me, but it was on my m*ther's camera, so I don't know why it would be me if so. I don't know where MY camera that I had at the time is)

peridot: what's on your bucket list? I don't have a bucket list exactly. I'm not the sort of person that has one? I guess go see one of the trains lawrence blew up that's still out in the desert

forest: list one thing or person that always brightens your day and why ...admittedly there are a couple of people on here that when I see them pop up it does brighten my day. I'm not going to say who exactly because that would be favouritism! recently it has been a struggle to find those things between the disease making it difficult to do anything which makes my already Bad living situation worse which has not helped with the fact that my cptsd has been acting up lately... I have been enjoying painting my trinket drawers and it's slow progress because I don't quite know what exactly I want, other than obviously these are going to be loa 1962 themed because they're going on my chest-of-drawers which has accidentally become a shrine of sorts, but when I do make some progress on them I feel really good. especially because it means I'm a step closer to clearing off the top of that thing. my god it's a mess...

pea: what's a plant you really like? I'm not the biggest plant person, I'll be truthful and say some of my more offputting early delusions were to do with plants. I find I prefer trees and 'productive' plants, if I'm honest, although I miss the rosebush I planted outside my window at home. it was called something like 'dijon' and it was this beautiful pale dusty brown! I did enjoy growing my chilli plants though. those were not only productive but the flowers on them were quite sweet too. I'm upset with the persistent sabotage that killed all of them, really.

dartmouth: if you could bring something back from the past to be renewed or used commonly again what would it be? oooh this is a good one! there are many things... specifically where I live it would be passenger rail. holy fucking shit we don't need a new stadium we need passenger rail. 'oh but it took four hour where cars take two' firstly with how bad the traffic is going into hobart it can take three, and this was BEFORE they started work on the new bridge (and btw they can't even demolish the old one iirc, it's heritage listed) and secondly... it takes like. four hours, five hours by bus. that's what it'd be competing with. more generally I think we could stand to bring back natural fibres in textiles again. as surprisingly warm for the thickness the polyester kmart blankets I have are the wool blankets I have are much better and I would like to be able to get those more readily!

thank you for asking!! this got a little long. I hope you don't mind

[whencyclopedia]

Battle of Marengo

The Battle of Marengo (14 June 1800) was one of the most important battles in the career of Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821). It not only helped bring the French Revolutionary Wars to an end but also did much to consolidate Bonaparte's new position as First Consul of the French Republic. The battle became a major piece of propaganda for the Bonapartist regime.

Background

In the months after he seized power in the Coup of 18 Brumaire, First Consul Napoleon Bonaparte was far from secure in his new position. He was still considered by many to be an up-jumped Corsican opportunist, and he had no shortage of rivals – such as generals Jean Bernadotte and Jean Victor Moreau – who would be glad to see his fall from grace. Further, the French Republic was still embroiled in the unpopular War of the Second Coalition (1798-1802) against an alliance of anti-French powers including Austria, Russia, Britain, the Ottoman Empire, and Naples. This conflict was part of the broader French Revolutionary Wars (1792-1802), meaning that by January 1800, France had been perpetually at war for the better part of a decade. With much of the general populace war-weary, Bonaparte knew he had to deliver a swift, decisive victory if he wanted to win the support of his people.

His first step was to order the formation of a 30,000-man army based at Dijon, primarily consisting of soldiers who had been on garrison duty in the provinces. Though Bonaparte fully intended to lead this army over the Alps to fight the Austrians in northern Italy, its true purpose had to be concealed; it was named the Army of the Reserve and was placed under the command of Bonaparte's trusted chief of staff Louis-Alexandre Berthier.

While onlookers believed the ruse that this was merely a reserve force, Bonaparte secretly prepared the army for campaigning. Soldiers were trained using the 'canteen' system, whereby eight veterans and eight recruits would march, eat, and camp together, fostering a sense of camaraderie and allowing the recruits to learn quicker. Meanwhile, Bonaparte worked with war minister Lazare Carnot to procure 100,000 pairs of boots, 40,000 uniforms, and 2 million rations of biscuits for the army at Dijon. The First Consul also ordered all major field forces to adopt the corps d'armée system, breaking each army down into mobile and semi-independent corps; this would become a staple of Napoleonic warfare.

As his army was being prepared, Bonaparte poured over maps to decide where he would cross the Alps. He decided to take the main part of his army across the 2469-meter (8,100-foot) Great St Bernard Pass, while a division under General Adrien Moncey would take the St Gothard Pass. During one strategy meeting, Bonaparte purportedly asked his secretary, Bourrienne, where he thought the decisive battle would be fought once the French had gotten over the Alps. "How the devil should I know?" asked Bourrienne, as the First Consul drove a pin into a map on the plains of the Scrivia River. "I shall fight him here," said Bonaparte. It was the exact spot where he would fight the Battle of Marengo three months later, a demonstration of Bonaparte's quick and perceptive mind (Roberts, 252; Chandler, 275).

Continue reading...

[your-local-storyteller]

This following chapter a part of a larger story about WW2 I will be continuing in the future.

Before reading it and any of my future texts under this series, I wish to warn you, dear reader, about the possible mentions of death, cold murder, heavy cursing, consensual sexual content, heavy use of drugs and alchohol, sexual assault, predatory acts towards children and heavy war crimes.

As a writer, I do not support any of the previously mentioned subjects (except consensual sexual content) and they only exist in my story to create a more realistic picture of war and all the atrocities caused during WW2.

So if any previously mentioned subjects might trigger you in any way, please do not read my texts under the name of Far away from home.

For everyone else, please have a pleasant reading experience and enjoy the story. Also I would like if you gave me constructive critisism so my stories would become better.

Far away from home 

Chapter 1

-1940-

Under the dusk of summer morning, a line of trucks moved on a hard road in a countryside that had been desolated by tanks and cannons. War had scarred nature's beauty and left its wrathful mark. Graves and broken machinery laid on the fields, creating a lifeless, dark garden of death. 

The first truck thumped on a wide pit on the road, waking up one of the soldiers inside. He was sitting at the last available spot in the truck’s body, right next to the rear hatch. 

While the man was waking up, lots of whispers and murmurs of the surrounding soldiers could be heard. The engines of the trucks were humming.

The air in the truck was slightly moist and a strong stench, a mixture of sweat and tobacco, hovered in the air. 

The man finally decided to open his eyes and take look around. There were a dozen soldiers sitting with him, the man included. They all wore grey uniforms just like him.

He aimed his gaze outside, seeing mountain peaks on the horizon, beyond the line of vehicles. The peaks kept getting smaller and smaller as the truck moved forward. Seeing a glimpse of the surrounding wasteland, the man decided to move his concentration back inside.

A gray tarp protected them all from the morning sun. 

The Man’s mind felt hazy, like he didn’t remember why or where he was. 

He had a submachine gun tucked between his legs, MP40 to be exact. He touched the cold metal with his fingers and he wondered, where were they going, everyone of them armed for combat.

Based on what he saw outside, the fighting here was done. But there might still be fire and death in their destination.

The man was unsure of the situation, so he decided that the best course of action would be to listen. 

The surrounding soldiers talked with each other.

“You think Captain Falle is going to allow us to rest in Metz?” It’s a long way to Dijon and my ass is going to be sore as hell if he doesn’t,” one of the soldiers said. 

“Don’t be a whining idiot. Of course he must let us rest there.” Said a man opposite to the one who had asked the question. He was a wide grunt and he had an officer's uniform. On his shoulders, there were badges of wool, and some silver markings. 

The grunt was a sergeant. 

And according to his words, they were on their way to France.

France.

At that moment, bits of memories began to arrive in the man’s head. 

He tried to gather them together as well as he could.

The nazis had just conquered France. 

But France wasn’t the first country to fall under nazi regime.

The first to fall had been… It was Poland. 

Then… Norway had been taken…

And now France. They had invaded France and won.

They.

Realization hit the man. He was part of the third reich. He was a nazi.

He looked at his own hands. They trembled slightly, caused by the current thoughts in his head.

How many lives had he ended that he didn’t remember?

He leaned his elbows against his knees, trying to look within himself.

No.

He was a good man. 

At least from this moment on he would be.

He didn’t know who he was, but the man knew his heart.

He raised his head, now a bit more certain of himself. 

As he moved, he felt something in his pocket. Something hard but also rustling.

He scavenged his uniform’s mysterious depths. 

The man managed to gather a few German marks, a pocket knife and finally the most intriguing item, a small envelope.

There was a name and a date attached to it.

To private Eduard Vogel, 29.6.1940.

The man looked at the name.

Could his name be Eduard Vogel?

With a swift movement, the man, now presumably Eduard, ripped the envelope open. There was a small letter inside, but also something else.

An iron engagement ring.

He began to read the letter.

My dear Eduard. 

I cannot imagine your current pain inside you. 

Nor can I imagine your state of mind.

I can only lend you strength from here, far away from our home.

Stay strong my love. 

Stay brave and be careful. 

Be a good man you’ve always been.

In your troublesome state I must warn you. 

Beware of the monster that now resides close to you. Captain Kristoff Falle. 

Right now your mind doesn't remember how extremely dangerous he is.

Do not ever trust his words. 

I wish every night and day that you come back here. Back to me. 

Unfortunately I cannot be there for you but I hope this ring will ease your mind in moments of despair. May it remind you of our love that is stronger than the hate that now surrounds us all.

To you, your love eternal, 

Berta

As Eduard read the letter, his surroundings grew quiet in his mind. The cab engine, whispering soldiers, the surrounding wind…

They all grew quiet as he consumed the words. 

He had a loved one. Berta.

Eduard pressed his thumb against her name. A feeling, a faint memory, rose inside him. But he couldn’t feel it fully. But the name still brought safety and a feeling of warmth to him. 

Eduard tried the ring.

It fit perfectly. 

He started to be quite sure he truly was Eduard Vogel. 

He proceeded to put the letter back into the envelope. He hid it deep inside his uniform jacket.

After that he turned to the grunt, the sergeant who had a moment earlier insulted one of the soldiers.

“Excuse me, sergeant, but during my nap I forgot our mission in Dijon. Could you remind me of why we are going there.”

The sergeant stopped his talk and turned his face towards Eduard.

“Private, when you talk to me, you will call me sergeant Steiner! Understood?”

“Understood, sergeant Steiner.”

The sergeant looked at them all with annoyance. 

“Everyone, listen up! I will not repeat myself. He, who forgets my following words, I will personally kick him out and he is walking to Dijon alone.”

Now every soul in the truck looked at the sergeant. None of them were willing to walk almost three hundred kilometers with full equipment.

Steiner seemed like a total dick in Eduard’s opinion.

Ordering and yelling at everyone.

“There have been rumors of rebellious activity in Dijon. The French have stolen some equipment and they have also sabotaged the city's structures and our supply lines. We have been ordered to bring order to Dijon and our duty there is to work as a guarding unit. We will patrol the streets and make sure to extinguish the beginning resistance,” Steiner told everyone.

Eduard was deep in his thoughts. 

So the French people had started to fight back against their oppressors. 

Good.

The nazis were killing thousands of innocent people and they were going to kill more if nothing was going to be done. 

Eduard felt a slithering anxiety crawling in his back. He should do something, so the French could have a higher fighting chance. 

They deserve freedom. 

The nazis deserve death. 

But Eduard was on the wrong side of the fight and wasn't sure what he should do next. 

He looked down to his gun and glanced at the soldiers. They most likely wouldn’t have the same views as him. 

How many he could kill before he would die himself?

If it was a surprise and he was quick, he could kill most of them. If he hit the driver, it might also lead to a collision, possibly destroying many of the trucks and the soldiers inside.

He could take his gun and shoot them. 

But the effect would be too small. The impact he would cause would be too little. 

And he had a secret mission of his own to fulfill. 

Due to that thought, he decided to not commit suicide and mass murder, even if it were for the greater good.

The sun continued its rise and the trucks continued their way towards the city of Metz. 

An unknown future, most likely a total hell, was waiting for Eduard.

But beyond the grim future, something much more magnificent was waiting for him. 

And Eduard was ready to do anything to reach it. 

[mattsundaes]

Deeeee I’m back! And I couldn’t wait to play around with some of the food souvenirs I brought back, so pls accept this invite for another virtual dinner party. 

I broke down a chicken for Poulet Basquaise, made with plenty of Espelette pepper and the most interesting of the 18 pounds of butter I dragged back home (it’s more cheese-like than anything, with a distinct funk from the culture. and it’s got insane depth of flavor and creaminess).

On the side you’ll find a curried saffron orzo salad with charred artichoke and studded throughout with toasted hazelnuts, and preserved lemon peeking through every few bites to keep things fresh and interesting(withholding the cilantro for your serving…only keeping the parsley stems, shallot, and bell pepper).

Summer is my favorite salad season by far, so here’s a spring mix-frisee salad. The vinaigrette was made with Dijon mustard and Nouvelle-Aquitane floral honey, and it was topped with grilled peaches and the best smoked Challans duck breast I’ve ever had. It’s luxuriant without being cloying, and fills your mouth with a richness reminiscent of hazelnuts. The fat just gently envelopes your tongue in a veil of sweet smoke.

Uhh there was dessert. I made creme brulee with Provence lavender. But it was setting in the fridge so I forgot to take a picture. If only I’d had this lavender on hand just a few weeks sooner when I was making your cake. I weep.

BONE APPLE TEA

CHEESY MY BELOVED!!!!!!! i'm so happy that you're back :') i missed your inbox food deliveries (and YOU) so very much.

first of all, love how at this point i am simply not even batting an eyelash at the idea of you dragging home 18 lbs of butter HAHA.

i pretend i do not see it<3 (the cilantro). but really this both sounds and looks so incredible. low key regretting staring at this image at nearly 1am because i feel confident i could kick back every plate based on sheer force of need alone 🥲

"preserved lemon peeking through every few bites to keep things fresh and interesting" speaks to my soul bc i have a need (on a much less fancy level) for every bite of a dish to be interesting HAHA.

you have me so intrigued with the description of the dressing. and grilled peaches in the salad???? ENVELOPING YOUR TONGUE IN A VEIL OF SWEET SMOKE? (not a writer, my ass)

CREME BRULEE WITH LAVENDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cheesy. cheesy. cheesy. i will not know peace until i have this now. i weep.

thank u to my favourite cook for the virtual meal<3<3<3

[6shelz]

“…shut your mouth, I only really want you”

a/n: just call me a ghost writer, let me be me and do what I do best— being horny. Also no synopsis bc I suck at writing them. So everything will be a surprise to you. LOL

content: DNIF u18!!! Porn w/ Plot, P in V, Unprotected Sex (wrap it b4 u tap it), dom!mk.gee, fingering, and he’s lowk an asshole (js warning y’all)

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

You loved everything about going out, the music, the drinks, the socialization, honestly you are the most extroverted as it could get.

These plans have been the perfect excuse to get out of the house, rather than staying in bed watching whatever comes on cable these days.

Dijon: YOOO you still coming? I was wondering bc there’s an extra friend joining, he’s not a bother and doesn’t speak much.

( little do you know)

You: OF COURSE WHY WOULD I NOT BE THERE. I am so excited- pregaming right now.

You laughed at yourself, possibly getting a little more drunk than you wanted to.

“ god I need to get going” you say as you were checking the clock, you pull out your phone and open the uber app.

“ where the fuck is this place”

Honestly when Dijon invited you, you were just excited to go out, not expecting to be at someone’s house and for it to be so far away…

Around 30 minutes go by in this uber, you start getting antsy as you are now 10 minutes later than planned, yet just as the worries started to get louder, the car started to slow. You thank the uber driver as you begin to walk towards probably one of the nicer houses you’ve seen in your life.

“ I’m friends with rich people but I’m still poor” you complain in your head.

The music began to get louder as you walked closer, you opened the large double door to see not 100 people yet only around 10.

“ god how will I get my flirt on with 10 people” you speak under near your breath before immediately recognizing the voice of your dear friend.

“ HEYYYY, my favorite party animal is finally here” Dijon enters with the biggest smile. Going in for a hug, you jokingly push him off of you and question him about this so called “party”. He explains it was originally supposed to be big, but the host had stupidly planned when they had a guest over, so therefore a small party.

“ oh okay, well, show me around” you say not really upset, just happy to be out.

Dijon leads you into the living room, where it feels like everyone—whether they know you or not—is staring at you.

“I guess I got the wrong memo for my outfit” you say out loud with a big smile on your face. People began to go back into their convos like nothing had happened.

“ okay was it just me or everyone was loving my outfit” you joked it off, “ now show me to the drinks DJ” a nickname you gave to him almost a whole year ago by accidentally misspelling his name. You followed DJ to the bar area and got drinks.

“ oh by the way DJ, who was that friend who you were talking about?”

He looks at you with a funny look “ Man I know your flirting habits, but this one will not work, my man’s barley chops it up with me”

You rolled your eyes “sooo…? Where is he” you asked with a slight smirk both of you knowing your intentions. Dijon just gives you a light hearted disappointing look, shaking his head he leads you to the man of the hour.

Horny- I mean holy shit, this man was the finest man I’ve ever seen

“Mike?” Dijon calls out to his, he slowly brings his eyes up from his computer, answering before even making eye contact. But once he does, his eyes widen a bit and he coughs, clearing his throat.

“Yes Duenas?” His eyes shift back and forth between the two people who stand above him.

“ my friend wanted to meet yo-“ you kicked Dijon so hard cutting his sentence off.

“ what he meant to say, is, I’m trying to get to know EVERYONE at this function, no need for you to feel special “ You say out of embarrassment, and the awkwardness didn’t make it easier.

Dijon eyes you weirdly. “but just-“ he gets the hint after the second kick, glad bc my big toe started to hurt.

“ I’ll see y’all in a bit “ Dijon walks away and now it leaves you two.

Almost immediately after Dijon leaves, he puts his head down, assuming the conversation is over

�� ANYWAYS, what are you working on, this is a moment to be socializing not working” you speak mindlessly. He doesn’t even raise his head, before just scoffing, “ whatever, at least I’m doing something productive “ he answers in a sassy tone.

You sit there, intrigued because by now men are falling on their knees, but to double check bro is still working on his computer. Having love for the game you won’t give up.

After like 20 minutes of trying to get a conversation started your legs began to hurt

“ can I at least see what you’re working on” you began to sit on your knees, now, looking up at him. You could see him peek at you, and immediately, begins to shift in his seat very slightly.

Bingo.

“Do you have nothing better to do” he says in annoyance but the way his eyes scanned me said something different.

“I mean, there is something better I can do” I say in a sultry voice

He cracks a slight smile, with a lower undertone, “ you just wanna fuck huh?” Almost cocky like. Immediately making you feel embarrassed, something you NEVER feel.

“ I mean like, maybe, I don’t know, like-“ you stutter trying to find words, yet before you finish your sentence he cuts you off

“ just such your mouth, if you really want me” he says almost in a growl it was so low. he begins to shut his computer and stand up tall, taller than you thought honestly. Walking out of the room you guys were in, you quickly understood to follow.

“Where are we going” you ask, then quickly remembering what he had previously said.

He just ignored you as you followed behind him like a lost puppy.

He opens a door, and walks in.

“ who’s room is thi-“ you began to ask before being cut off

“ do you know how to listen, god damn you talk so much, maybe try a use your mouth for others things, not talking” he says as he begins to shut the door behind him. He stands there waiting for you to do something and he kinda laughs to himself “ you talk the talk for sure”.

As he begins to go for the nob, your confidence is shot back up, because no way you’ll sit here and lose the finest guy, right in front of you. You grab his shoulder and you pull him to the bed.

You start on top of him, rubbing your clothed clit onto his baggy pants, honestly wondering if he could feel anything from in there.

You touch his long hair that fell near his shoulder and he lets out a groan, this ignited something in him, and he began to kiss you heatedly, and began to guide your hips onto his.

His fingertips dug harder into your sides as he pulled you closer and closer, your body set on fire as you felt up his body.

After feeling him beginning to poke you, you started to kiss his neck, while undressing his shirt, the touching and breathing became heavier.

You began to work your way down his body before he stopped you, manhandling you back up and onto the bed making him on top. He went back in for the kiss and began to let his hands roam, starting at the bottom of your shirt, he took off every item of clothing on your upper body.

“ holy fuck you’re sexy” saying with a grumble in the back of his throat. Immediately going lower on your body, kissing his way down, getting closer and closer to where you needed it the most. And when he finally got there, you were immediately activated.

“ can I ?” He ran his long slender fingers through the top of your jeans as you frantically shook your head ‘yes’.

He delicately undid your jean shorts and allowed his hands to make contact with your clothed clit.

“ holy shit, you’re already soaking through your underwear? You wanted me that bad?” He cracks a cocky smile on his face.

“Fuck, just touch me already” she begs, almost in a cry.

His eyes turn dark, “what the fuck, did I say about opening your fucking mouth? Here!” He takes off her panties and shows it into her mouth. Just the sight of it, made him ten times harder.

Without any warning, he begins to rub your most sensitive nub, it almost felt fake because it felt so good.

Spreading my legs, he takes his two fingers and runs it down my slit, occasionally rubbing my sensitive bundle of nerves

you choke out a moan through your own underwear as he slowly began to become more aware of what made you feel truly good.

My chest rising up and down and he slipped his fingers into your core.

“God you so tight” he says in awe.

Curling his fingers into me while rubbing my clit with his thumb. It was all getting too much, your body became warm and fuzzy and felt that knot build up. Your squirming became more frequent and it was just about to snap.

But it was almost like he knew. Taking the panties out of your mouth.

“ I want to hear how good I fuck you” he says not really caring about the people in the house.

He begins to undo his baggy pants, and finally as his pants fell you were able to see the significance he held in his pants. He chuckles to himself as he begins to stroke himself.

God I want him so bad

Lining himself up to your body, you needed him so bad, but instead of entering, he just slowly rubs his tip against you. Almost as if he was testing your patience.

“I want you so bad” you say trying to get him to give in

“Oh yeah?” He cocks his head to the side “ you want me?” You quickly nod your head as he is rubbing his tip against your clit. He knew what he was doing and it wasn’t funny.

Losing your patience,, you begin to beg “Please, I need you so ba-“ cutting you off as he begins to enter you.

All the air in your body leaves, he lets out the loudest sigh as if he needed this as badly as you. He grabs one of my legs that was wrapped along his waist and brings it up to his shoulder. He started off slow, and unexpected softness from him, he kisses your leg, and he worked his way in.

“Fuc-“ he says almost in a surprise tone to himself as he’s kept up this hard appearance this whole time, it came out more lustful than intended.

And just like that, his pace increases, his lips parted as his hair covered his face.

“God you’re so big” you moan loudly, this being the best you’ve ever had.

He just keeps going, sweat dripping down his muscular chest, glistening through the light from outside. We were both heavy breathing, and lost in the moment.

“ you feel so good baby” he lets go of his persona, and getting more into the act. He lets go of your leg and goes down to kiss you. “ and you taste so good”

This being a weakness to you, your core began to do its thing again. Your breathing became heavier, your moans became louder, your hips came buckling up as he began to rub his thumb up your clit. He holds your hip down with his other hand, still going a relentless pace, but as you began to tighten, his thrusts became out of control.

“ fuck I’m gonna come” and it’s like as if you needed to tell your body to do it, because once you finished that sentence, you were sent into pure euphoria, my heart on the brink of a heart attack, my core pulsating tightly around his dick. He shakily moans out as he reaches his peak as well

“ fuck baby”he mumbles with his head down, his fast pace now sloppy, he reaches his peak through your euphoria. And all of a sudden he pulls out and finishes on your body, decorating you in his sticky concoction.

“ holy shit” he moans under his breath, and he rolls off of you out of breath.

He takes a moment to recoup, and he stands up and walks to the bathroom in the room

Maybe we should’ve fucked in there, okay maybe I’m getting ahead of myself

He grabs a couple of wet wipes and begins to clean you off, as he was already cleaned.

“Thank you so much” you say sweetly, but his persona was back and he just kinda nods not looking at you. He grabs your clothes and one by one dresses you.

Once he was one, he dresses himself and then walks out of the room and doesn’t look back.

God what did I do to him, and why was he the finest man I ever met.

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

Lmk if u liked it! Also I didn’t edit it, so u get what u get LOL.

[hannahhasafact]

10 people you’d like to know better

Tagged by @solarflareanon AND @rincewindsapprentice like two months ago! (Three months ago? Good lord time has no meaning)

Last song: Tbh I listen to random lofi most of the time, but while I write this I’m listening to Nissan Altima by Doechii (which is not the song I should listen to rn because Doechii pumps me up and it’s far past my bedtime rn)

Fave color: God I don’t even know anymore… maybe like a nice rosy blush color? I did just buy bedding in dusty rose so I think it might be the case.

Last movie: We rewatched Onward for movie night on Tuesday! It’s wild to think our Disney nights started because I wanted to watch it and it had just gotten added to streaming because of the pandemic. Now five years later we still watch movies once a week on video chat! It’s honestly a tradition I love and whenever I mention it people are so impressed because “wow, you’ve kept up with something for five years???” It’s really fun! No idea what we’re watching tomorrow!

Last book: My hold lapsed, but I was reading The Last Watch! (I renewed my loan but it’s not back in yet) I’m about to start the first book in the Mistborn series!

Last TV Show: Make Some Noise! I’ve slowed down on my dropout watching, but Make Some Noise, Game Changer and Um Actually are the shows I tend to keep up pretty regularly ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿ (I would say I keep up with D20 but I still need to finish M&M S2 and the time quangles!!!)

Sweet/Spicy/Savory: Gotta say savory, I can decimate a bag of Honey Dijon kettle chips if you let me

Relationship status: Single; too lazy to do anything about it/the idea of someone being in my space always sounds annoying ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Last thing I googled: Stugo, a blog I follow pasted some screenshots from it and I’d never heard of it!

Looking forward to: My big purchases! I want my apartment to feel nice and my own, yknow? My new nice bedding should arrive in about two weeks, but I have awhile for my other stuff. There’s a lot of bad and I’m trying to grasp onto the small joys because holy fuck my dude.

Current Obsession: I’ve been so god damn excited about Severance ahhhhhhh I’m so glad it’s back!!!

I always feel weird about tagging folks but here we go I guess! No pressure of course!

I tag… @brainfullofquotes , @cra-zwizard @chungledown-bimothy , @howimetthedoctor , @bastardbeewoman , @lollytea , @upperstories , @sk-ew , @rattccoon , @loonstar256 !

[dreamerinsilico]

Stovetop Mac 'N Cheese

Because I just ate my leftovers from yesterday and am still happy about it:

(Please note all measurements are guesses; I didn't actually measure anything.)

8 oz pasta of choice (I like cavatappi but anything works, really)

1-2 Tbsp butter

2 Tbsp flour

1/4 to 1/3 cup ricotta cheese

1 oz grated sharp cheddar cheese

1 oz grated romano cheese (or your other favorite hard, salty Italian cheese)

1 slice American cheese, like a Kraft single (yes this is important)

1 Tbsp Dijon mustard

splash of half-and-half, milk, or water

salt & pepper

sprinkle of nutmeg

Any kind of powdered onion/garlic/allium to taste

Cayenne and/or paprika if you feel like it

Chopped parsley, also if you feel like it

Boil the pasta in salted water with a splash of oil to al dente. Drain and set aside.

Melt butter in a pot/pan (preferably nonstick) that will comfortably accommodate all the pasta. Whisk in flour to make a loose roux, and cook for 2-3 minutes over medium heat, stirring constantly, or until it smells appropriately nutty.

Splash in liquid (half and half, water, milk, stock, or even cream) to make it looser, also stirring/whisking constantly, then add ricotta. Stir that till the ricotta is warm.

Add the drained, cooked pasta back to the pot, with some reserved cooking water if you've thought that far ahead (I didn't); otherwise just some water or whatever other liquid, just enough so it doesn't stick to the pan.

More butter if you feel like it.

Sprinkle in grated cheese and American cheese slice, and add mustard, salt, pepper, and any other seasonings you want.

Add more liquid as needed. Stir until hot and the consistency you want.

Top with parsley, tomato, paprika, whatever. Maybe stir in some steamed or roasted veggies, for a full meal.

(American cheese singles have an emulsifying agent that's actually important for getting the sauce right, here.)

[redwineconversation]

Olympique Lyonnais - Le Havre OLPlay Postgame Interviews

Better late than never, but some of us have full time jobs and can't be chronically online.

Blah blah standard disclaimers apply; @OL Comms Dept it's cold I need my Starbucks to stay alive; banning stans from stadiums would solve a lot of problems real quick; can Bompastor also take this "journalist" aka academy director with her when she fucks off to Chelsea; y'all know the speech by now.

@Timothee Piron @Coralie Ducher feel like pure shit just want you back. xx

OLYMPIQUE LYONNAIS OLPLAY POSTGAME INTERVIEWS

WENDIE RENARD OLPLAY POSTGAME INTERVIEW

Renard: On a personal level it was important to get significant playing time, especially against a team where you can't really hold back. You have to react immediately. So it was important for me in particular. Then as a team it was important for us to really start the game well, to be able to really be on the same wavelength. There was some good, there was some less good. I think that we - the fact that - even if I don't think it was a goal, the first one, but in any case the referee gave it and I think it was good for us. And we were able to create more chances after that and get a greater advantage right before half time. The second half was a bit stagnant I find. We were far from each other. There were too many technical errors. But overall, there are a lot of players who are playing consecutive games, obviously there's a bit of fatigue. It was important for us to win before leaving for the international break, and also to get a big win at that. We did that.

"Journalist": We were saying how the month of March was pretty packed. The international break is coming up as well, it will be a good opportunity to have a change of scenery, and maybe come back refreshed. [news to all teams who are going through Euro qualifiers]

Renard: Yes, I agree, even if there is obviously some tiredness. It's always interesting to meet up with another group. There's also other instructions, other expectations, from the national coaches. But beyond that, March was a difficult month. We used up a lot of energy in the games.. Here pretty much everyone is meeting up with their national teams. And we have an end of the season which is coming up really quickly. It will be up to us to be properly prepared for it. But we have the team to do it. We have the players to do it. Now it's up to us to put forth our qualities from the start of the game. We need to know what we want. And if we want to win, we need to put things in place for it to happen.

"Journalist": Thank you, Wendie.

PERLE MORRONI OLPLAY POSTGAME INTERVIEW

"Journalist": Yes, Perle. Another win. It's always hard to play against teams with a low block.

Morroni: Always difficult even if we're used to it now. Teams often try to trap us into it, to keep a low block and play on a counter. But now we're used to it so we know what we need to do in terms of tactics to counter it. We did our job. We were able to get on the scoreboard, it did us some good. And 3-0, that's a good score.

"Journalist": It's a good score. It's the same score from the PSG game today against Dijon. And there's a pretty exciting second part coming up in April, with the semifinals, with a derby. Some exciting games to play.

Morroni: Yeah, we're getting to the heart of the matter. For the league, I think we just need one or two more wins to finish first. But we're getting to the part of the schedule where we're playing the games we like to play, there's intensity, there's a bit of everything. It's really the top level games. And it's going to be in nice stadiums as well. So it's going to be - that's what we're waiting for, that's what we're working for. And we'll be ready when the day comes.

"Journalist": Thank you, Perle.

SONIA BOMPASTOR OLPLAY POSTGAME INTERVIEW

"Journalist": All the crew at OLPlay are thanking for your professionalism after having thanked all the journalists before coming over for our interview and - [Bompastor laughs] no, no, they're really thanking you. It's good, it's good.

Bompastor: That's really nice of them. I'd like to thank you as well. I'm sorry I left you for last. I made you wait.

"Journalist": It's not a big deal. Just - it's always difficult to play against a low block. We saw it in the first 30 minutes, with the goal - well. It wasn't a goal. [Bompastor nods in agreement] But it's always hard to play against a low block.

Bompastor: Yes. We know that in that context, we know we need to be very efficient in the choices we make, first of all, and also very good in terms of technical efficiency. So I think in the first half I had to adjust in how we were using the ball. I felt that the outside backs needed to be a little bit higher, that would allow the midfield to drop in and be better in the middle. Then I insisted a lot on the combination play, especially out wide, the one-twos, the overlapping runs, or the one-two-three passes for letting players get behind the defense. So it was a game where we were able to work on those scenarios. And indeed sometimes the context is difficult because there is little space, but we need to be better with the quality of the players we have.

"Journalist": In the second half we saw get the center backs more involved so the pace would pick up a bit and quicker transitions.

Bompastor: Yeah, yeah. When you're against low blocks, in order to break it down and create space, you need to play it simple, move the ball a lot with few touches, and have technical qualities as well. But it's especially in the orientation when we release the ball, we need to make the right choices, not force it when it's closed off on one side, be able to switch it to the other side. I also asked the players that as soon as we made a pass between the lines, for the defense to push up as well. That would keep us close and create some good combination play. So yeah, on the one hand, even if we win 3-0 there are still things which can impact the game. So I try to play that role.

"Journalist": We're heading into an exciting month of April. There's an international break, no players recently injured [well we know who to blame for the Dabritz injury]. It's also an exciting month of April with derbies, there are good games to be played.

Bompastor: Yeah, yeah. First it's the international break, I think that will be good for everyone to have a change of scenery, get a bit of a breather. It'll be important to come back recharged because as we just said, April and May will be very intense months and especially decisive. There are decisive games, there's the Champions League, there's the league and notably the playoffs. So we will have to be in great form. And especially there will be interesting games to play when you're a professional athlete.

"Journalist": There's especially that semifinal against PSG. They're obviously a team we know by heart, who also won 3-0 this afternoon, so similar scoreline. That semifinal must be at the back of your head.

Bompastor: Yeah, of course. In any case we don't have a lot of games left between now and the end of the season. I hope we'll go all the way. That means we will have eight games left to play. So we're in the final stretch, the money time as the expression goes. Indeed, the UWCL semifinals against Paris [Saint-Germain], those are the games we want to play. They're an opponent we know really well. It will be a good game. It's a really good match-up because I think the PSG team looks completely different than they did at the beginning of the season. So we're looking forward to it because we know those are good games to play.

"Journalist": First leg at home, second leg away. Does it work for you? It was like that two years ago.

Bompastor: Yeah, exactly. We had this same scenario two years ago. So yeah, I think the first leg can already be decisive. So playing at home is a good thing for us. Beyond that, we have experience playing away games in a hostile environment. In any case we loved the atmosphere at the Parc des Princes two years ago with 44,000 people who really made themselves heard. And when the result is there as well at the end of the game, you remember those moments. So we'll do everything to experience those emotions again.

"Journalist": Before that, there's a quick derby to win.

Bompastor: Yeah, of course. It's true there's that game against ASSE. Yeah, I'm happy. I said it before, I'm happy that ASSE got promoted to the D1 Arkema. They avoided relegation this year. So it's always a special moment in the season, playing these derbies. And we also have the honor of playing in the big stadium, so that's pretty rare it must be said. I think it's Sunday at 9pm. So we're looking forward to that as well.

"Journalist": Thank you, Sonia.

[olderjodijournals]

SATURDAY, MARCH 1, 2014

Decided to share Blogger links on Facebook instead of LJ and have made LJ private since my top troll's back. She didn't contact me but she took a quick peek at my LJ blog, and since LJ is a pain in the ass to block IP#'s on, I blocked her on Blogger instead, cuz I know that if she can't get into LJ, she'll try Blogger.

It also appears I have a local visitor in Loomis and I’m guessing it’s Holly. Second guess would be Shannon, then I guess it would be a tie between The doctor and the dentist. I doubt the good Doc’s assistant would check me out and I doubt Janet, the receptionist would think to do so, so I’m going with Holly cuz she seemed the most talkative, the most interested in her “famous” patient, and the blondest. LOL, you know I always get attention from those I wouldn’t exactly consider the most flattering or interesting, but she was a nice lady and it’s not like she’s ugly or crazy or anything like that.

I remember Shannon said she lives in Citrus Heights so that’s why I doubt it’s her. I’m in Citrus Heights and I’ve never appeared as being in Loomis before, so why would she? It appears to be a pretty nice house in a rural area, a little far out for a doctor or dentist, I would think, but that seems right for a dental hygienist.

A quick check on Zabasearch shows no listing for the Doc or dentist in Loomis, but I can’t check Holly or Shannon cuz I don’t know their last names.

Alison is busy dealing with her own health issues; some gross liquid-like leakage from below what’s left of her breasts, and from her belly button. Gross! I told her that she probably has open sores of some kind that she oughta get checked out right away.

As I told Aly, I deactivated my Twitter because I don’t use it enough and I also don’t want Kim and Molly observing our exchanges.

My poor little toe woke me up a few times during the night and I had to take ibuprofen to dull the pain. I’m still walking funny, which in turn makes my ankle sore, so I’m staying off my feet as much as I can today.

Forgot to say that my BP was through the roof and my pulse was up there too, yesterday at 170/92 and 111, but that was probably just nerves. I’m sure the numbers changed drastically once the good Doc quit stabbing and gouging my toe.

Read a funny article about a real-life Barbie who wants to train herself to eventually live on just air and light and no food or water. rolls eyes And I can’t wait to train myself to fly! I’m gonna do it! You’ll see! Then I’ll fly right over your house and poop on it just like a bird!

We noticed a funny smell in here. Why are we so haunted by bad smells? I asked Tom. The smell of death in Maricopa, rotting wood in Auburn, and now it’s sweaty socks. Turns out our humidifier needs to be treated with a conditioner to stop the smell. Tom tossed some vinegar in it and it smells fine now.

Anyway, the rain has stopped and the sun is out, but the wind is still blowing. The wind chimes are pretty antsy out there right now.

SUNDAY, MARCH 2, 2014 Yay, I’m able to run again! I’m doing multiple quick bursts of running sprints barefoot on the treadmill, rather than putting on socks and running shoes and going outdoors. It’s raining out there again anyway.

I’m now cooking this chicken recipe I found online in the slow cooker that can be cooked on low for 8 hours or on high for 4. I chose the faster method. I hate carrots and I’m not big on Dijon mustard so I left those ingredients out. I have skinless, boneless chicken breasts mixed in with chicken soup and garlic powder, which I’ll serve over egg noodles when it’s done. It’s enough to feed me 3-6 times depending on whether or not I have 1 or 2 servings at a time. Tom won’t touch it, of course, cuz he hates chicken.

Yesterday, Tom heard the guy working across the street talking on his cell phone. He said something about having about 5 hours of work left but was back again today. I wouldn’t mind if they’d just quit the banging. It’s when they go in and out of their truck slamming doors that gets annoying, but maybe it will stop soon. He left shortly after I got up and hopefully, he won’t return. We saw sheets of plywood being carried in, so maybe they had some rotted floors that needed replacing.

I still have my tan from Maui and I still want to go back. NOW! While Tom and I would visit New England if it were a matter of a simple snap of our fingers, and see my sister, nieces, Andy, Paula, Jessie and my Italian dad, neither of us has any desire whatsoever to go to New England. Besides, in less than a year my sister and nieces should be moved to Florida. Someday we’ll be back in Hawaii, though we may go to a different island. Miss Hates to Travel would go as often as her German cyber hottie goes to Turkey if she could. I guess Nane’s going to Morocco this time around, though, sometime this month.

Looks like Holly’s been checking my blog out again. It will be interesting to see if she returns during the week. She’ll have a lot to talk about tomorrow at work, though, LOL.

Had a Roseville visitor too, but they couldn’t be anyone I know because they went to either Prosebox or Kiwibox where it always says No Page Landing. They shouldn’t know about those accounts.

MONDAY, MARCH 3, 2014 My ear appointment went well, but damn am I exhausted, and damn am I looking forward to letting my body get all the sleep it needs to get and do away with alarms for the first time in over a month! I am just so, so drained. Struggling to make this last round of appointments is a stark reminder of how I could never keep a schedule to save my life, no matter how many of you self-proclaimed “experts” may think otherwise. Speaking of experts - you know, the real ones? – I’m not in any hurry to make an appointment at the sleep clinic because I know there’s not much that can be done in my particular case, and they’re still going to cheat me out of my benefits anyway. I’ll get to it when I get to it.

I usually hear the alarm as soon as it goes off. Not today. Today I slept 6 minutes into it, that’s how tired I am. But even so, I made it in time and wasn’t made to wait forever in the waiting or exam room. The doctor was nice, but sadly, I doubt he’d have been able to help me any more than the last doctor in Oregon could with the aches and pains had I not discovered the cure on my own. He did, however, vacuum the canal out. It’s amazing what the right tools can do to clean an artificial ear canal.

I don’t know why, but in 6 months when I’m scheduled for the next cleaning, I am to have hearing tests. Just what is it I gotta hear, though? I hear fine enough. I wouldn’t bitch about car doors and landscapers if I had a problem hearing. My left ear may still be pretty close to deaf, but my right ear is pretty normal. They will still probably recommend a hearing aid.

We are looking at a serious tax break next year with all these doctor appointments I’ve been catching up on!

Meanwhile, I’m still dragging but unable to go back to sleep. I laid down for nearly an hour and now I think I’ll just have an exhausting night reading and watching movies till I crash and enjoy catching up on all my lost sleep. LOL, that will probably take 10-12 hours at the rate I’m going! My thyroid pills have not only lessened the head rushes, but I’m not waking up as often as I used to throughout my sleep, so maybe I can catch up in 8-9 hours now that the stress and pressure are off for a while.

Later...

Will Holly return to my blog tonight? I doubt it. Next weekend? I doubt that, too.

Loving my new toe ring that arrived today. It’s too big for the toe next to my big toe, so it’s on my big toe instead. It’s a bit snug there, but I’d rather that than too loose. The purple gemstones are shinier than they appeared online. It has an elastic band that looks almost invisible against the skin, making the gems appear embedded in my toe. Not sure if I can wear my running shoes with it, but I can wear slippers.

Still working on my Dreams book on Prosebox and am amazed by the number of two-story house dreams I had for them not to mean anything. Reoccurring dreams often have some kind of message in them, but not in a place where two-story houses are scarce. Signs of the West: Single-story homes, no basements, no dogs allowed indoors.

What’s amazing is how many dream premonitions I had that I forgot about. A lot of them were trivial things like the Facebook timeline eventually being forced on everyone and little things like that. But the sheer number of them is like, wow.

Love the “pink paws” dream I had a few years ago where we could decorate the walls in people’s houses and not just Facebook, and I left a trail of pink paw prints on Nane’s living room wall to let her know I’d stopped by. LOL, I told her about it too, and I’m sure she’ll get a kick out of it.

Andy had his own dream of her where she was at a fashion show he attended and recognized her. He went over to where she was sitting, said hello, then let her know he’d let me know he saw her there.

Andy’s latest car is also receiving scratches and his webcam is so worthless that he still doesn’t know who’s doing it. I wonder if it’s random or someone who has something against him personally? It’s sad that this kind of shit has to occur where he lives, though he said he’s not worried about it.

The doctor also said something about my good ear that I’ve heard before; it has a bony curve to it often found in adults who often swam in cold water as kids. Well, we sure did that every summer at the beach. He said sometimes it can cause problems later on by blocking canals and stuff like that, but doesn’t think I’ll ever have a problem with it.

My blood pressure was also back to normal.

I forgot to say that I was wrong about my eye pressure numbers. One eye was actually up to 29 last time around. The highest reading I’ve had was 30. I still doubt it will lead to glaucoma, though that and the sleep specialist are next up on the list. Plus I have a female exam awaiting me next month – ugh.

Finally remembered a couple of dreams I had last night for the first time in days. They were weird, too. I’ll be sure to copy them into my Dreams book, but will probably post a month of dreams at a time rather than an entry for every single dream I have. Fortunately, I can save drafts there, so I can add to the draft, then publish it when the month ends.

In the first dream I had, it was late at night. I was wide awake and I looked at Tom who was sound asleep and decided I’d go out for a walk in the woods that bordered a bunch of backyards. It wasn’t anyplace I’ve seen around here, but anyway, I “slid” down these hills into the woods and walked around for a while. Then after I climbed back up the hill I was exhausted and realized I lost my bearings and was several houses away from mine. I had to cut through people’s backyards to get to mine, all the while hoping no one saw me and thought I was scouting out homes to break into.

In another dream, I was at some function in which a karaoke contest was being held. All the while I was eyeing this hot-looking security guard, I was trying to debate whether or not I was in the mood to participate in the contest. Then I realized I didn’t have a clue as to what I should sing in the first place.

TUESDAY, MARCH 4, 2014 Slept from 5am - 1pm. I was surprised to get up at the same time as yesterday, but even though I woke up 3-4 times along the way, I feel well-rested for once. It seems I might’ve dreamt about preparing to go on vacation again.

I’m down a pound, though I don’t know why. I ate when I was hungry yesterday, and treated myself to a big bowl of ice cream with caramel topping, and didn’t work out. But today I need to hit the treadmill and put more effort into it which means avoiding certain sites so I don’t have to hear all about every single fucking bite of food everyone ate today that will only remind me even more of how hungry I am. Hearing what people are eating every now and then is fine, but I don’t need to know about every single meal and snack you have any more than you need to know all the details of my daily workouts, measurements and weigh-ins.

Before I drop the subject of food, the chicken casserole I made came out incredibly bland. Fuck cooking. I suck at it and I have no interest in it anyway. I’ll stick to buying prepared foods. It’s more expensive but it’s definitely more convenient, and not all pre-made stuff is bad for you.

I nearly wanted to scream when I got an email alert saying I’m being referred to an endocrinologist, Dr. D. It’s great to be insured and to take preventative measures to ensure I make it to 60, but remember, I have to pay for this shit. Tom and Jodi don’t get things handed to them for free in life. We don’t pay for lab work, regular check-ups and things like that, but specialists and special procedures like removing my ingrown toenail are things we have to pay for. We pay 20% at the dentist which doesn’t include cleanings and x-rays, $25 copays, and $35 for specialists. I guess we’re going to borrow against our 401K when it comes time to do the carpet and floors so we don’t have to take from the savings, which is dwindling fast. We’re still paying for shit we did in Hawaii, but hey, how often does one get the chance to go down in a submarine?

Anyway, I was confused at first because the results of my ultrasound showed nothing to worry about at this time, yet I guess this person needs to adjust the medication levels. Why I can’t just go to the lab, beats me, though they may want me to go before the appointment. I’m sure they’ll have to adjust the Simvastatin, too.

Later…

Looks like whoever was harassing me at my first my-diary account has found my second one. They used a bogus email address, of course, from Everlistentoyourself@Soundslikeyourparentsknewyoubest.com and then wrote: Jodi gets free stuff always. Tom is the worker bee silly rabbit.

It’s sad what marriage is all about today. What’s hers is hers and what’s his is his. Why get married if that’s the attitude people have? Really why bother if you’re not going to be a team? Why is it that if you’re BOTH not physically and mentally able to contribute on an equal measure, it’s “unfair?” Now don’t get me wrong. There are a lot of lazy people out there. People who aren’t disabled in any way and who have at least an average intelligence level that are perfectly capable of contributing in more ways than just cooking and housework. But what about people like me and others who are disabled? What, we’re only worthy of being a spouse if we can “pay up?”

I can also understand that it’s only natural to feel guilty even though you know you shouldn’t and that it’s not your fault. I just expressed to Tom the other day how I felt bad my health issues were costing us so much, and he assured me and reminded me that it’s not my fault. Also, what’s the point of making money (whether it’s one of you or both of you) if you’re not going to use it for things you need?

I know what he’s saying. Money Tom makes is OUR money just like money I make working online is also OUR money. It’s just natural not to wish you could make even more at times, you know? But I also know I would do the same for Tom if he was the one who was disabled. That’s what true love is all about; being loved and accepted as you are, shortcomings and all. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and anyone who feels we don’t measure up and aren’t good enough when we’re trying our absolute best can’t possibly love us. It isn’t about who can make the most money; it’s that you have what you need to live on. Period.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s a random person who followed my other account closely and then happened to find my new one (if they frequently checked the latest entries to come in on the main page) or if it’s someone I’m close to that I have regular contact with. Someone I’d least suspect that has a Jekyll and Hyde personality I’m not aware of and that’s been two-facing me like Kim did. It could be Molly’s mother. She’d defend my parents and use the “silly rabbit” thing. Kathy doesn’t seem the type to use the parents thing, and she’s preoccupied with a baby these days, so I’m going with Mrs. M or the stranger who likes to complain that I complain too much. Hell, maybe it’s Andy.

The more Tom and I go over the bill at the online health site, the more confused we are. It suggests we owe $25 as well as $650 and even $900. Well, which is it? These people make no sense. And I still don’t get why the sudden endocrinologist referral. She told me she was sending me to an ear specialist. She told me she was sending me for an ultrasound. She told me she wants me to go to the sleep clinic. So then why didn’t she tell me about the endocrinologist???

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 5, 2014 I’m so happy and excited for my sister! But first, another strange thing within the costs summary for my healthcare was that it said it cost about $300 for her to do my toe. But it also costs that just to talk to the ear specialist, plus $500 to vacuum the canal. WTF?!?!

Then Tom clicks on the ‘pay now’ button and it says we only owe $25, so that’s all we paid. Still think they’ll probably bill us for the toe since that’s not considered preventative (at least we don’t think it is), but we’ll pay whatever we owe.

We spent $500 of our tax return on Amazon tonight and ordered a new Frigidaire dishwasher in white.

Tom has also wanted to try a trackpad, so he got one, plus a yellow jacket trap since those will be an issue soon, especially in such a flowery neighborhood.

I also got a couple more animals to add to my collection, a black and white rabbit and a blue parakeet.

Lastly, I got these really cool skater silhouettes made of metal. It’s a set of 3.

Lemme check on the rats… ok, one went back home and the other is napping on the bookshelf.

Anyway, Tammy's going to get situated in an apartment in Florida in April. Hopefully, it will be in an adult community, though I don’t see how she could get into one with such a big dog. Would a big dog even be able to handle an apartment in the first place? I guess it will have to. I just worry about the Bad Neighbor Curse striking her if she ventures into the mainstream. We had every degenerate and noisemaker imaginable – welfare bums, college kids, large families with tons of little kids – so I’d hate for her to have similar experiences. The girls are getting apartments down there, too.

After she’s settled in a much smaller place that she can deal with easier than the huge house she’s in now, Mark will return to CT to prep the house for sale.

They have friends in Florida, so it’s not like they’ll be moving where they don’t know a soul like we did when we went to Oregon and then when we came here. The point is that disabled or not, they feel they have no life in CT. They want to be where they have the option of going swimming every single day of the year if they want to. I envy their the climate, just not the apartment. I do love the dry heat of the summers here, though. The summers here can get pretty damn hot, often reaching 110°, but is otherwise gorgeous.

I totally agree with her as far as it being better to have a life in a small place than no life in a big place. Look at what I went through in S. Deerfield back in 1991. I had a big beautiful apartment but no life to go with it. Same for Tom and I in Maricopa. Gorgeous brand new 2100-square-foot house that was sucking every last dime out of us. The welfare bums using their corrupt pig pal to seek legal revenge on me for the city complaint lodged against them was no fun either, but of course that was part of the package, too.

She mentioned both of us or just me coming to visit and saying she’d help with the costs, which would be wonderful. I’d certainly rather see her there than in CT. It just may be a year or two cuz you’re still talking a lot of money, and it would only be for a few days. Of course I’d prefer to go with my nearest and dearest, but I wouldn’t mind going alone if Tom couldn’t get the time off. I think he will, though, cuz they give him a lot of time off at work. And if they give him what we hope they’ll be giving him next month, he’ll be salaried and we definitely won’t have to worry about going broke or him being laid off anytime soon.

THURSDAY, MARCH 6, 2014 Unlike last month, I’m having the PMS from hell with water retention and backaches. I find it helps my back a bit if I keep my legs straight and bend over so my fingertips touch the floor. Then I allow a slight bend to my knees, allowing my body to fold a bit more and to place the palms of my hands on the floor.

Still 25 pounds overweight too, which looks like 50 at this height. At least in my mind, it does. As someone pointed out to me, I realize I, like most of us, am my own worst critic at times. I’m fat but not obese. I’m not pretty but I’m not ugly. Tracy K and Bonny B, those were ugly. My face won’t be found on a fashion magazine cover, but I realize I still have decent features and that things could be a lot worse in the face and the body.

My thyroid pills would no doubt allow me to get results from both dieting, but I still have the same problem as before – it takes about 1000 calories to do it. That’s not enough food month after month, so I am going to stay where I’m at. Contrary to popular belief, we aren’t what we eat so much as we are how MUCH we eat, so no matter how healthy I eat, 1500 calories of lean meats and fresh fruits and veggies are too much for a woman my age and height to lose on even with exercise. Sure don’t have to worry about gaining, though, so long as I don’t start stuffing myself or sitting on my ass.

Had a horrible, horrible nightmare last night. Or more like today, I should say. Either way, my sense of hopelessness and helplessness was exactly like it was in 2011 when the government gave up on some of its own, including us. Don’t know why Tom and I weren’t living together in the dream, but I seemed to be in my own 1-bedroom apartment or house or whatever the hell it was. Tom was over one night and we were talking about the latest financial crisis to hit us. Then he suddenly said, “Good night,” and was gone in the blink of an eye. I was on the verge of panicking and didn’t want to be left alone that night.

“Be brave and strong,” I told myself, “and maybe after the weekend is through I’ll find a solution to this problem and everything will be fine again.”

But I knew deep down it wouldn’t be. Everything I thought of to help myself had some kind of catch to it, making it an impossible solution. My anger at God surfaced and I thought, I am not going to be His bum again! I realized He’d never stop letting bad things happen to me – really bad things – and that the only way to stop His cycle of abuse was to die. I knew that if I didn’t kill myself, the situation would do so on its own since I couldn’t survive the streets, especially now that I needed medication. Preferring to go quicker and in bed just like in real life a few years ago, I started making preparations when I woke up to pee.

Once I fell back asleep, the damn nightmare continued, though it had kind of a happy ending. It was the next day and Tom was back with tons of food.

“Some cop decided everyone should have food subsidies,” he told me, and I was all relieved and happy as I dived into the spaghetti and meatball meal laid out before me. Don’t know why I was, though. Food subsidies will fill your stomach but they won’t pay the mortgage/rent.

I told Tom about it and he assured me everything was fine. They did, however, lay off a bunch of people on the second shift, which they’re doing away with. He could’ve been one of them had he gotten on that shift, so thank goodness he didn’t. Still don’t know if he’s getting a promotion or not, but as long as he stays where he is, that’s fine. He makes enough money to live on.

He also pointed out that there wasn’t any imminent danger in the dream as there was in the “riot” dream and the one where we fell 20 or more feet.

The endocrinologist called wanting to make an appointment, but as Tom said, they’ll just have to wait on us. My schedule isn’t such that I can play appointment right now, and anyone receiving money and not giving it is working for us as far as I’m concerned. So in another week or two, we’ll schedule that, plus the eye specialist, plus the sleep specialist, and then I have my April female exam. That may have to be canceled, thanks to my cycle becoming more erratic.

Tom suspects the good (sexy) doc wants me to see a specialist cuz of the way I asked if hypothyroidism can cause or affect my OH. Maybe she’s worried the medication could aggravate it or something like that.

I will also call Tammy and Paula once I’m back on days, the two people left on earth who prefer phones to email/Facebook.

I’m excited and happy for my friend Christine. She’s getting married and after she and her fiancé looked at my Hawaii albums, they’re thinking of going there for their honeymoon. It still shocks me that Andy said a friend of his went to Honolulu and found it similar to Phoenix, Arizona, only with an ocean attached to it. Well, we went to Maui and not Honolulu, but I still don’t see how the two could even be remotely comparable. Arizona’s brown. Hawaii’s greener than green. You will also find tons of trees, plants and flowers that Arizona doesn’t have. There are only so many things you can plant in Arizona because it is just so damn hot and so damn dry.

It sure wasn’t dry here last night. It rained super hard and we even had some thunder and lightning. I was glad I wasn’t asleep.

According to a study Tom read, rats have their own “dream people.” They put a chip in their brains to determine brain activity during sleep, eating and playtime. They appear to dream of what they were last doing when they first fall asleep. Then they have random dreams from there on out.

Later…

I saw a very scary documentary last night on stalking. This woman moved to another state (I forgot which one) with her husband and two kids. Jane settles in and her neighbor Mary comes over to introduce herself to her. They hit it off instantly and become good friends. Jane always dressed conservatively, but Mary dressed a little young for her age. Then Mary dyed her hair the same color as Jane’s and started dressing like her, too. Jane thought that was weird at first, but took it as a compliment of sorts.

Then Mary started showing up wherever Jane went. Jane was feeling smothered instead of flattered at this point, and then she became really concerned as it escalated.

We’re taught that if we ignore the bully, the bully gets bored with us and eventually moves on. Not Mary. Mary became angrier and more determined the more Jane tried to avoid her. Once Mary makes a bogus claim to her son’s school counselor saying that Jane’s been abusive and neglectful, Jane goes to the cops. The cops are useless, though, since she hasn’t technically broken any laws.

Jane doesn’t lose her son, which pisses Mary off even more and drives her determination up a notch. Mary becomes so obsessed with tormenting Jane that she uses her own daughter to spite her by filing a false claim of Jane trying to run them over. Jane’s then arrested and taken to trial. Jane’s then acquitted and no charges are filed against Mary despite Jane’s insistence that she was being called a stalker by the very person that was stalking HER, a very common accusation made by real stalkers. It’s always you bothering them when in fact it’s just the opposite.

Anyway, Jane’s damn lucky Mary wasn’t black with the way the courts are afraid to favor whites and get called racists by the blacks involved as well as the general public. Both women were the same color and both had kids. Still, she lost an awful lot of money, went through a world of stress, and had to move to escape Mary’s obsession, all the while Mary would stand there snapping pictures of Jane and her family, which is also perfectly legal.

It’s scary to think you can cause a whole boatload of trouble for someone simply by making an accusation, true or false, and I don’t understand why they don’t polygraph the accusers. Those are virtually impossible to fool, so why don’t they utilize it more than for just murder cases? If they’d have pollied my own legal perps they would’ve known who was the true victim from the get-go.

I sometimes said I wished those stalking me online would appear to me in person so I could forever put them out of business, but I don’t know about that anymore. Online a click of the mouse usually gets them out of the picture. I stick to sites that allow for user blocking and I ignore anything that can be anonymously sent to me (I also do so cuz of spam and scams). In person, though, I’d be fair game to whatever they had in mind for me unless I truly did kill them or at least scare them off somehow.

FRIDAY, MARCH 7, 2014 “To most people, I can never do enough. To my dearest, I do way more than enough.”

I can relate to the quote above. To Tom, I can do no wrong even when I make mistakes, and to others, I just can’t get it right. Well, to some others anyway, LOL. Like they say, someone somewhere is always going to have a problem with anything we say or do. If I were a God-lover I’d be criticized by those who believe as I do; that God lets an awful lot of bad things happen to an awful lot of people to deserve to be praised. If I were the one supporting Tom I’d be called a sucker for it. If I were retired I’d be told that age is just a number and I’m still wrong for not working.

What if I had pet snakes? :)

Surprise, surprise, though… I do work. It’s just online, not at a set time, and not for much money. But it’s work and so is housework.

Where I do need to discipline myself is with working out. I’m in good shape but I want to get in even better shape even if I never lose the fat. At 1000 calories a day it’s doubtful that I ever will, so I’ll just aim for an average of 1500 calories a day plus 30-60 minutes of exercise. That’ll keep me where I’m at.

Tell me, though… why do only half my legs look like a runner's legs? My calves are slim and muscled, but my thighs are positively flabby as hell and wider than this house. I guess that again, I’m eating too much to clear the fat and expose the muscle in that area.

Our new dishwasher has been shipped. Tom said it should be easy enough to uninstall the old one and install the new one cuz it's not hardwired. It's just two hoses and a plug.

I worried my readers when I said I got a rabbit and a blue parakeet from Amazon. Yeah, I forgot to add that they're made of plastic. People were like, you can buy animals on Amazon? Since when? LOL

haha, I was trying to write Nane an email in German but my auto-corrector kept flipping the words to English.

Anyway, I think I’ll run through another chapter. It takes about 5 minutes to read a chapter, so I prop my Kindle on the treadmill and do 5-minute running sprees. That’ll put me up to 15 minutes for the day.

SATURDAY, MARCH 8, 2014 My nieces didn’t insult me with pics they took in Florida of their sick dad, but one posted a “look how young we look” pic of them as little kids with the bastard.

Look how thin they looked, too. I hate to say it but by looking at them as kids you’d never think they’d end up so humungous.

I can’t help but wonder if it’s aimed at me or not, just like I wondered if I was right to take some of the pics Andy posted personally. Is it my gut that’s saying it was personal, or is my paranoia saying that? Sometimes I just don’t know if I’m right to be suspicious or if I’m just plain paranoid. Andy swears he was never trying to abuse me with pics, but it was quite a coincidence that he posts not only a person crying but a black person crying when he was picking on Tom’s lack of desire to socialize while calling it “sad.” Same with his hottie cousin who’s 52 after I said I didn’t think I was doing that bad for 48, and the chain-sporting black guy after I commented about how they couldn’t afford all those thick shiny chains on welfare. Again, I’m either not stupid and more perceptive than people (including myself) realize, or I’m as paranoid as people like Marie, Molly and Kim.

I told Alison about the latest comment on my-diary and asked who she thought it was. She said it seemed too intelligent for Kim, whose sister scared her off of harassing me, and that it could be Molly or Kathy.

My first guess was Molly’s mother if it’s anyone I know at all. “Silly rabbit” doesn’t seem to go with Molly, Kathy or even Maliheh. It goes with Andy, but not the thing about my parents knowing me the best. Sometimes I wonder if it’s someone I least suspect. Maybe it’s even Aly. She’d be smart enough to say things to throw me off.

I couldn’t resist inviting Maliheh to my Facebook group, even though I knew she’d refuse it and not even check it out. I also sent some coded journal excerpts. Just the fact that she’s picking them up and not marking them as spam or blocking me on Facebook tells me she’s hoping to get me somehow. If anyone knows she’s just as mean, vindictive and spiteful as the black bitch down south, it’s me. She loves to sic the law on people no matter how deserving they may be.

Could be that she’s still interested in hearing from me without having to actually interact with me, but I doubt it. She’s one of the coldest people I have ever met. She simply has zero conscience.

Later…

No one’s responded to my bogus entry on my-diary about chatting with Mommy Dearest on Facebook. I figure that if it was her that left me that comment, then she would surely react to this entry. She probably doesn’t follow me religiously, so if it was her she may not return for weeks or even months.

I activated my old Ask account, answered the question of the day, then put it back to sleep just to keep it alive. That way if I ever change my mind someday I at least have the option of using that account.

Taking the day off to eat what I want and all I want. I’m not even going to step on the treadmill.

My period is late which means I have to suffer from PMS a little longer and will probably have to cancel or reschedule my female exam next month, too.

It’s been warming up here and we’re having highs in the 70s. Before another month is up we’ll be needing the AC at least in the daytime. Even though it’s warmer down here than where the trailer was, it can be a little hotter out there before we need it since here we have a normal roof instead of a flimsy tin roof. These aren’t brand new windows, though, like the Jes pest had, so I’m a little hesitant to open them at night when spiders are active, not knowing how well-sealed up the screens are.

As soon as I’m on days I’ll open windows and put the central fan on to get some fresh air in here. That’s the one thing I miss from the trailer is having a swamp cooler. That and the seclusion. I miss how people couldn’t drive or walk by, though I’m also happy to say I’ve long since gotten used to it. Daytime sleeping is no problem so long as the sound machine’s going.

Last night’s semi-nightmare – I call it “semi” because there was no violence or immediate danger, though it was still unpleasant – was about the usual. Loss and money. In the dream, we were in some house and I guess we were under threat of bill collectors or someone like that coming to take all our stuff. I was even afraid of losing the old-fashioned paperback book I was reading before I could finish it. Although Tom didn’t want me to, I knew I’d attack them if they broke into the house, as I wasn’t about to let them get away with our stuff without at least some bruising and bleeding.

I asked Tom when I got up if he thought this dream could mean anything, but assurs me our finances are fine and that I’ve always been paranoid about people messing with my stuff. This is true, and I can thank my mother and Donna A. for that much.

SUNDAY, MARCH 9, 2014 Andy has either got to be the least perceptive individual I’ve ever met if not the most insensitive and selfish. No matter how many hints I drop about the food talk, on and on it goes, telling me every single thing it eats. Not a very supportive thing for one trying to cut back on calories.

For those of us trying to diet, going online can be like a smoker without smokes watching a bunch of people puff away on cigarettes. So many people on so many sites talk about food, food, food almost to the point of obsession. The solution: less time online and more time on the treadmill.

I also want to adopt the “some is better than none” attitude. I have always disliked extremists who are so black and white and think in terms of all or nothing. Will I ever lose the 20-30 pounds I could stand to lose? No. But some is better than none. Will I ever earn $50 or more a day online? No, but $100-$200 a month is better than nothing.

It still bothers me at times to see people out walking or jogging who are thin while I’m doing the same thing, even if it’s as not as much as I’d like it to be, yet I’m heavy. But I also know that more than likely these people have better genetics and more willpower to say “no” to their food/hunger cravings since diet is more associated with weight loss than exercise. Well, I may not be able to change my genetics, but another attitude I can try to adopt is the one about accepting what we can’t control and making the best of what we can control. I’ve proven a long time ago that I can keep from gaining any more weight and I can keep in relatively good shape. So I will work with what’s in my control.

Lastly, I want to make better use of my time. It’s so easy to get lost on one of my writing sites. Then all of a sudden I’m like, OMG, where did all the time go? Time I could’ve spent doing other things. I don’t want to give up what I do now; I just want to find a better balance between both on and offline activities.

So these are my current goals for now. I don’t know how long I’ll do a better job of scheduling my activities and adding variety to my daily routine, but again, some are better than none.

Tom’s an AARP member and was doing a trivia game for extra points for discounts and things like that when he learned that taking Simvastatin for high cholesterol can help reduce the risk of glaucoma. That’s nice to know cuz I have a 20% of developing it later on in life.

TUESDAY, MARCH 11, 2014 My dreams seem to come in spurts lately. Where I didn’t have any for a few days, I had tons last night.

Andy was in one where I said something like, “Don’t ever hesitate to file for disability benefits if you find you can’t work because of this.” I don’t know what “this” was, but I also said, “You’re not like me. I have a doctor who diagnosed my sleep disorder, says I can’t work, yet I can’t get my benefits reinstated that were wrongfully terminated just because I got married, and because I didn’t work enough years to qualify when all that should qualify me as being disabled. But you’re single and you worked a zillion years.”

Then he got up from the wavy brown chair he had in Arizona that he eventually gave me, and asked if I wanted to watch his old soap operas with him. When I said no, he went ballistic on me, LOL.

Worse was that I had a dream Nane died. It doesn't mean she’s going to die, though, but that something bad is likely to happen within 72 hours. It could be anything from a nasty cold to something much bigger. I don't remember how she died. The dream was very quick.

In another dream, I was showing people this old doll I had, and someone said, “Too bad she’s not a little older and made of bisque because then she’d be worth 48 grand.”

Then I ran into my parents and started dancing. LOL, I know it sounds funny, but as I approached them I was snapping my fingers and swinging to an imaginary beat of music. Once I got close enough to my mother I saw she had what looked like a mini chest with pea-sized food in it she was munching on. “What are these?” I asked her.

“They’re Wilma nuts,” she said and told me they were caramel-covered nuts.

I asked if I could try one and found the caramel to be very sticky. “I shouldn’t have anymore,” I said. “This stuff could rip fillings out.”

Well, I didn’t awake to find any “Wilma” nuts in the house, but I awoke to find myself hungry as hell for the second day in a row. I’m still the same weight but what’s with all these late periods when I used to be like clockwork? If it isn’t menopause setting in, then I’m not sure what it is.

Later…

The nights are still peaceful while the days are still annoying. It’s mostly door slamming and landscaping that’s the most annoying. Although they’re usually quiet about it, where could a couple of retirees possibly need to go 3 times in just 5 hours? Beginning at 8:30 it’s in and out and in and out next door, but everyone else rarely goes anywhere.

We’re on for 70° today and 80° this weekend. Definitely going to be getting some fresh air in here.

My appointment with the endocrinologist has been made for next month and will last an hour. What could they possibly want to do to me that takes an hour???

The more we discuss it, the more we’re likely to do the entire house in light-colored laminate flooring and add a large area rug to the living room. I want something like birch because lighter colors brighten up a room and things like drapes won’t clash with it as much as some of the flooring would have a reddish or orange tint to it. If we do this we’ll be pulling up these old floors and carpet ourselves, and of course we’re going to do the installation ourselves as well. We could go with vinyl tiles and really save money, but those aren’t as durable.

Later…

I started proofreading again, even though I haven’t quite brought my Dream book up to date just yet. I’m at the end of our time in Phoenix when the Mexican bitch next door lied to the pigs by saying I called her a slur and went off on her company, both of which were total lies. I know it shouldn’t, but this still pisses me off. Hey, it’s a Mexican. That’s what blacks and Mexicans do. They play the race card. But in truth, while I would use racial slurs in my own journal I would never call anyone a name to their face any more than I would call someone dumb or fat, even if I thought it was true, because that'd just plain mean and unnecessary. I can see joking among friends, but this sicko was certainly never a friend.

Curious by nature, I looked her up on Facebook and found a Debbie V in Phoenix that is probably her. Can’t tell for sure. The body type is right and I guess the hair and eyes are what I remembered them to be, but was she really only about 25 years old back in 1999? She graduated in 1992. The posts are what I’d expect of someone like her, lacking in intelligence and with a hint of aggression.

Well, let’s see if she remembers my “white ass,” as she once put it, I thought, then I hesitated. Then I said to myself, no, I have just as much right as anyone else to speak my mind and I will not let anyone make a coward of me or violate my civil rights ever again. And so I asked her if she’d dare swear under a lie detector 15 years after the fact that I called her a racial slur. If she hasn’t been online, is ignoring me or didn’t get the message, I don’t know. I do know that the message went straight to her inbox and not her ‘other’ box, which I thought was a bit odd.

It gets even stranger. I browsed her friend list and who should I find on it but a Kim W, the name of my first celly once I was pulled in from the tents. What, was the whole damn jail in this together? I wondered. After all, I always thought it was strange that I could never find her on the Arizona Inmate Locator site. The profile picture was too blurry to say it was her, but the hair color seemed right.

Could she have been a cop and personal friend of the Mexicans even though she claimed she was an AB member? Why not? The black pig was the black bitch’s buddy.

Then it hit me that Kim W could be an alias. Sure enough, the last name is fake. LOL, she looks terrible and is in on a flat maximum sentence for the same offenses as when I knew her in 2000 - drugs and armed robbery. She got caught in 2011, sentenced in 2012 and could be inside till 2017. Gosh, what a waste. She’s probably been in and out of jail and even prison since I last saw her.

She had the intelligence to be a cop, but I never thought she, or any of my other cellies, were cops. Sorry, but nobody can act that well or pull off such an elaborate cover, so I always figured she was for real, alias or not.

Anyway, the bitch is listed as having always been from Phoenix, so I guess that shoots the illegal theory. Why’d she run then? Too many warrants on her at the time? She was busted for forgery in 2003 and spent 3 years on probation, so maybe so. Still, I’m sure it was quite a picnic compared to what I went through.

Was surprised to learn there are two people in the US with the black bitch’s name. She’s been fighting it out in family court for child support, on and off throughout the years.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 12, 2014 The rats are out playing now as I write this. Yesterday was very annoying as far as landscapers go. Instead of just a few minutes here and a few there, it went on and on for hours. Not consistently, but close enough. I wonder if some of it was even coming from outside the park. Whatever it was they were doing was bigger and louder than usual. I could hear it over the music I was playing. I hope it’s quieter today.

I realized two things this morning. One is that I’m never going to lose weight as hungry as I am most days, and two, I could send my doctor a message and ask if she can recommend an effective appetite suppressant to help get my calories low enough to lose the weight. There are tons of them on Amazon, but do they actually work? One person will say it’s wonderful, then another will say it’s worthless. Without something snuffing out my constant hunger, I’m forever doomed. I’m not so big right now that it’s unhealthy, but I could get there soon enough if I don’t find something to help me. Otherwise, I’ll never lose weight. Never.

I actually wrote the above two paragraphs 4 hours ago. I wanted to go out for a run. I like it when there’s no sun glaring in my eyes or traffic. It’s not just about the running for me; it’s about the fresh air as well.

After my run, I cleaned the kitchen and did a few other things.

Another reason doing the entire place in laminate flooring is appealing is that if we drip any paint on it, it would be easier to wipe it off a floor than carpet.

Been having fun doing surveys both for money and for fun. I put little treats in my Amazon cart and let the survey earnings pay for them. :) Some are boring but most are interesting. You just never know what they’re going to ask. Some questions I couldn’t possibly answer, though, because I either don’t know anything about what they’re asking or I never experienced it firsthand.

THURSDAY, MARCH 13, 2014 You have no idea how demanding a rat can be till you own one, LOL. Sugar really loves to pester me for attention even when I’m busy, but I make sure to take a minute out to hug and kiss him here and there. Romeo’s still more aloof but he sure is ready and available to play our little game we play every time he sees me dusting. He’s obsessed with chasing the duster.

Lost the pound I ate on the day before yesterday. I wasn’t as hungry so I was able to eat less. I don’t understand why some days dieting is doable and other days I’m so damn famished I feel like I haven’t eaten in years.

The doctor responded to my message, and sure enough, she wants to see me. Anything to make a buck, I guess. She said she did have things she could recommend but they weren’t without side effects. Probably that Alli crap I took a couple of years ago. She did recommend drinking a large glass of water a half hour before meals to help keep me fuller.

I swear, though, I could run into her on the streets and tell her I sneezed the other day and she’ll suggest I see her for that, too.

And if I fart?

Later…

The beautiful azaleas are now blooming on the bushes in front and trees in general are beginning to sprout their leaves. I can’t wait for the summer heat and going swimming.

The new dishwasher should be delivered today and installed Friday or Saturday. Perfect timing too, cuz this old one is really starting to leak badly.

It’s fun working for little treats, though we still have some of our tax refund left that’s in our Amazon account. I have an incense variety pack on its way that includes rose, musk, sandalwood, jasmine and lavender.

I also grabbed a black and white hornless Holstein cow for my animal figure collection.

Got a silver toe ring that’s adjustable. I thought it might be more comfortable than my elastic one.

The best thing I got is another lifelike baby doll like my baby Grace doll, only this one’s a boy. He’s also anatomically correct and the most amazing thing is that he’s only $23. He looks just as realistic and similar in size to Grace yet she was $150. Could be cheaper cuz he’s bald. Grace has hand-applied hair and nails. Nane cracked me up earlier, saying she looked “schrecklich” and dead, haha.

My metal figure skater silhouettes should be here today. I know right where I’m going to put them too, and they oughta look awesome.

Yesterday was quieter. Just a service truck doing something across the street for a half-hour or so, then some house started landscaping when I was turning in around 3pm. I swear we cannot go one day here without hearing landscaping sounds. It’s just a matter of how many times/minutes it will be per day. Tomorrow, the house diagonally gets serviced and I’m sure the park workers will out buzzing away in the streets and common areas. Still better than hours of barking, welfare bums and their wild kids, college animals partying, and loud car stereos with the base from hell.

Tom and I were talking earlier and I want to make more of an effort to avoid pre-packaged foods without getting too involved in cooking since I don’t like it and aren’t very good at it. Not because all pre-packaged food is unhealthy – some of it is actually good for you – but to make eating less convenient. Convenience means it’s easier to get carried away. So I’m working on that and scheduling. I find it easier if I space out my eating in something like 3-hour intervals, beginning 2 hours after I get up. This means eating 5 times.

They’re also not kidding about meat making you less hungry due to it being high in protein. So when I do the grocery list for Saturday I’ll try to focus on fresh chicken, pork, potatoes to bake up, and tilapia. The in-between things I’ll have will be things like yogurt.

Another thing I need to do is cook up a SINGLE serving’s worth. It’s always easier to cook in batches that can serve 3-8, but I need to stop that. It isn’t what I eat so much as how much of it.

As for weekends… I decided to compromise with myself. “I’m big,” Tom said, “not because I don’t know what to do about it but because I don’t want to. I like to make a day of eating whatever I want on my days off.”

But rather than make a day of 3 or 4 different goodies, I will try to pick just one that doesn’t take me 5 sittings to eat like a pint of ice cream does. ONE candy bar is enough.

Personally, I think I’ll always be big because it’s just in my nature, like most middle-aged adults, to be this way. But I do take solace in knowing I shouldn’t have to worry about gaining if I eat better and keep working out.

Ok, I gotta drop the subject now or else I will feel hungry as part of it is psychological, like it or not. The less I focus on food, the faster my next meal or snack will come, and the less hungry I’ll feel.

FRIDAY, MARCH 14, 2014 Is something up there determined to replace the Jes pest and all his projects I would have to listen to nearly every day? Once one house gets done with some annoying home renovation I have to hear, another one starts up. I don’t know what the hell they’re doing, but a few houses down they’re hammering and running something loud inside. It’d be nice if they could at least close their damn door. Now someone’s sawing some wood laid out on a couple of wooden horses.

It is otherwise amazingly quiet. I don’t even hear landscapers or freeway traffic. Not even much car door slamming.

It’s here! Our new dishwasher has arrived! It was cool how the guy got it off the truck with the lift in back of it. Then he wheeled it into the living room on a dolly. Tom has his own dolly, which he used to get the old one out into the carport. Unfortunately, when he tried to go through the laundry room to the back door, he got stuck and scuffed the edge of that door, so he had to go out the front door.

Anyway, if I really, really wanted to, I could probably figure out how to fully unpack and install this dishwasher after watching Tom uninstall the old one, but I know it’s one of those things he’d prefer to do just like I would prefer to handle the decorations and stuff like that. I unpacked some of it but will let him do the rest. It’s in a huge box that sits on a wooden platform. The rats would have fun with that. there was even a long stick of wood on top that I’m sure they’d enjoy chewing on. It’s a good thing I don’t care about the old books the previous owners left because they’ve been chewing the edges of them. Every time I dust over there I kick off bits and pieces from the top of them.

Later…

I’m a bit worried the car may delay the flooring/carpet a few months or more. The radiator hose is leaking. Tom can probably fix that himself with some epoxy, but he doesn’t know what’s causing the knocking sound he’s been hearing. We definitely do need to get another car. Not something too new that we’d have to make payments on, but this car is 20 years old. Time to move on. Just preferably not before we take care of the floors in here.

Paula called last night and I answered when I saw her number, knowing it’s been a while since we chatted, even if I still hate phones, LOL. Now I know why I had a dream she was terminally ill. She was diagnosed with heart disease. They’re sending her to a cardiologist. I guess she’s been having severe palpitations that would wake her up, as well as pain and numbness in her left arm, a classic symptom of heart issues. Hopefully, she’s still young enough for them to get it under control. She never smoked or anything like that, so it’s probably hereditary.

Saw a documentary on the making of realistic baby dolls like the one FedEx will be delivering today, along with my incense and some computer-related stuff for Tom. What’s strange as hell is seeing some grown woman care for them as if they were live babies. That’s just weird as hell to me. “They’ll never get diseases, they’ll never be in car accidents, they’ll never get into drugs,” they said. Yeah, but they’re not REAL. Realistic looking or not, weighted like real babies or not, they’re still vinyl. How do these women “get into it?” How can they make the whole thing seem real and believable to them at the same time they know they’re just pretending, in a sense. Our ability to play pretend just isn’t like it is as kids. We can still pretend, but it just doesn’t seem as real as we can make a game of playing house or whatnot seem as kids.

shrugs Oh well. Whatever makes one happy. I’m never sad for the happy, but I am amused by them at times.

Had a dream we briefly moved back to the Jes pest trailer, though I don’t know why. Tom was in a hurry to get to work but was due to return in just 4 hours so we could move.

I called Tammy this morning. She’s looking forward to getting out of Connecticut along with the girls. The house will soon be up for sale. Thanks to the economy, though, the appraiser said she’d be getting $100k less than if the economy was doing well.

But the economy is better. A house a few streets away is up for $70k. I doubt we’d be able to get more than we paid for this place without serious upgrades, no matter what the economy is, cuz 30-year-old homes this size typically go for around $30k anyway.

She had her usual gripes – physical pains, shitty weather, and frustrations over seeing blacks ride to the welfare office in their sleek shiny cars and thick gold chains. Yeah, it’s a pity so many of them still choose a life of crime when they now have more opportunities open to them than most whites ever had, but they’ve been the way they are for a long time. Why should she expect them to change now?

She talked a little about how she and Larry talked about how the three of us were victims of Dureen, and how Lisa’s a druggie and a liar that’s been in and out of both jail and rehab.

Mark’s having problems at work, which he’s looking forward to escaping. I guess when they head for Florida he’s going to retire (he’s now 63) and then they’ll just have their home improvement business down there. I hope to hell the business is enough to make it on, cuz it’s not easy for an older person to get a job, good economy or not. Plus he’s white, so he’s not going to get first dibs on things, qualified or not. I think it will be, though, cuz things will be cheaper where they’re going.

He hasn’t been given a title or a salary despite all he’s done for the company he works for. I hope that doesn’t end up being the case with Tom. I was telling Tammy how Bank of America really fucked him over – unpaid OT, etc. – and she said she couldn’t stand them. She and Becky were almost arrested for going off on them. Yeah, I can picture that.

SATURDAY, MARCH 15, 2014 Love our new dishwasher! It’s pretty high-tech. Similar to the one we had in Maricopa only better. It has a compartment for the rinse agent and a thing that tells you when it’s full. You don’t have to add it every time you run a load, which is nice.

We had our choice of white, black and stainless steel and we got blue. Seriously, LOL, it's the protective covering that's blue. I just thought it was such a pretty shade of blue that I left it on, even though I chose white. Stainless steel is too restaurant-ish, and dust and dirt show up too well on black.

It’s plastic and not metal like our old one, so it won’t rust. I thought the other one was leaking due to a bad seal, but once we pulled it out we could see a tiny hole in back of it where it rusted out. Hard to believe it would do that after just 10-15 years, so more than likely it was the original, which would make it 30 years old.

This one has two arms, unlike the other one, and more space between shelves, which will allow bulky items to fit in better. It also has a time delay.

You would think things would get faster and not take as long with time, but this thing runs a long time. I guess they feel it does a better job if it takes longer by going through more wash and rinse cycles. The heavy cycle puts out 9.1 gallons of water, takes up to 2½ hours, and goes through 4 wash and 4 rinse cycles. The light cycle goes an hour and a half and uses 4.7 gallons with 2 wash and 2 rinse cycles. Most of the time we’ll use the normal cycle which goes 1¾ with 3 wash and 2 rinse cycles. I don’t see why it’s got a 15-minute rinse cycle, though. If you just want to rinse things wouldn’t it be easier to do so in the sink?

Later…

The rats got a couple of toys from the dishwasher’s packaging. A strip of wood to chew on that I placed in their cage so they can run across it from level to level, plus a cloth covering they’re now using as a bed in their burrow.

The FedEx lady delivered my realistic La Newborn Baby Boy doll and he sure is realistic, alright! He’s not quite as big as my girl baby doll, but he’s just as realistic. Still can’t believe he was just $23, though he’s regularly $45. The doll is supposed to be scented, but all I smelled was plastic.

Got my incense too, and even though my musk incense smells powdery, it’s still nice. The others smell as they should smell. Today’s the day for my toe ring and “homeless” cow figurine. LOL, Andy thought “Holstein” cow was “homeless” at first glance.

For dreams, I had one where I appeared on a talk show of some kind. Several people spoke to me in different languages to which I responded to in that language.

In another dream, I was with a large group of people. Not sure if we were on some fun activity excursion or what, but as everyone was eagerly rushing to the pool in swimsuits, I suddenly realized I hadn’t gotten mine yet from the section where you were supposed to “borrow” them from.

So the lady says, “I’ve got small, medium, large, x-large and xx-large. Take your pick. I requested the large and she looked at me and said, “Are you sure you wouldn’t like a medium?”

“I’m sure,” I told her. “I have two huge floor-to-ceiling mirrors in the bedroom, plus a big mirror in the bathroom. I see myself every day, so I know how big I am and what my size is.”

She finally gave me a simple red 1-piece suit and then I woke up trying to find a place to change into it in private, but there didn’t seem to be any such place.

SUNDAY, MARCH 16, 2014 Love my new toe ring! It's too small for the big toe and a bit big on the toe next to it, the toe it was meant to be worn on. At first I thought maybe I should've gotten a children's toe ring, but I finally managed to adjust it so it's snug enough.

Since I just can’t get myself to drink only boring water and can’t bring myself to give up soda, I got a variety of sparkling fruity waters with no calories or caffeine. Carbonated drinks seem to quench my thirst more easily.

I’m just as helpless as I was before starting my thyroid medication with my weight so I have totally given up in that department. I don’t even care anymore if I gain 50 more pounds. I will eat right and exercise most days and leave it to fate.

I was so fucking pissed earlier because for the third or fourth time since returning to the job site, a glitch cheated me out of my pay and I ended up working for free. An honest glitch? Deception on the requester’s part? Whatever’s up there that loves to make sure I don’t make money? Probably the latter. If so, thanks, God, I really needed that. First I can’t work, then I can no longer win, and now I can’t get paid for my work online? What can I get paid for?

Maybe getting a free doll from Goodwill was my compensation. Yeah, the guy never charged us the $15 it cost, so I didn’t say anything. We just paid for my incense fix. I also got a set of scented shower gels and lotions.

The doll is a 19” Patricia Rose doll. She’s in an elegant white lace gown with peachy pink trim and has brown curly hair and blue eyes. Very detailed hands, too.

Before the Goodwill opened we went to a dollar store where I got scented air fresheners and incense. I’m as addicted to incense and anything else that smells good as I was once addicted to cigarettes.

On the way to us are two gorgeous sets of curtains with outdoor garden scenes on them for the dining room window and the living room window by the front door. I want to see how they’re going to look before I decide if I want to get more designs for the front windows, or just go with a solid color there.

Tom found the car of his dreams; a $13k compact electric car that seats just two. The electricity it would take to charge it wouldn’t be remotely close to the cost of gassing up the car he’s got now. It’s the first new car that’s ever appealed to him before. He never wanted anything new because he didn’t want to have to make monthly payments, knowing that he could get something just as comfortable and reliable outright. I miss having a car with a working AC! We don’t live like bums anymore but we sure drive like bums. One of these days soon enough we’ll replace or add to this 20-year-old car with something newer and nicer.

The only dreams I remember was one where I was sleeping with a bunch of girls. No, not in a sexual way or anything like that. I don’t know if it was a situation like VH where I had to be there, but since living with a bunch of people doesn’t seem like anything I’d ever want to do in real life, I probably had no choice. I had to share a huge bed with 3 other people and was amazed to find I’d slept so well when I expected to wake up whenever someone moved or snored.

In the morning I asked someone who looked like a young version of Justine Bateman about the rules and routines of the place.

In another dream, we bought a huge, huge house that was very modern and fancy and had all kinds of gadgets throughout it. It was a definite mansion and had split levels as well. I was walking through it at night at one point and the words No Input glowed in red on something on the floor as I walked by, which my dream self assumed was some kind of air vent that was blocked.

It’s in the low 80s today, dry, and totally gorgeous. We were laughing at how hot it must be in the trailer, but it’s staying pleasant in here. A little warm by the late afternoon but I like it that way. No slippers, no robes, no sleeves… that’s me.

I don’t miss having to go to bed with the window open because we’d need the cooler in the afternoon if I was crashing at that time, then wake up freezing and have to run to shut the window. Nor do I miss going to bed, waking up hot, then having to get up and open the window in the middle of my sleep. I will never live like that again. Ever.

Later…

Resurrected “Justin’s” account on Ask just cuz I was curious to see if Molly was around. I said a simple hello and sure enough, she responded. How is she managing to stay out of my blogs??? Either way, after I “tested” her, I deactivated that account.

Then I saw that she tweeted. In one tweet she said she had taken a break from being online, but then got tired of missing her former friends and is going shopping.

In other words, she misses spying on us. I saw she tweeted to Alison about the weather as if they’re still old buddies. Why doesn’t Alison block her or make her tweets private?

Oh, and she knows why she still dwells on her former friends and that’s because deep down she keeps thinking they liked her and cared about her. rolls eyes It’ll never change. Never ever change.

The Mexibitch never appeared to have read my message, and I can’t really be sure it truly didn’t go to her ‘other’ box. Therefore, while I hate to involve others who have nothing to do with what she did to me and my husband, I picked 3 of her seemingly most active friends and sent the same message to them, figuring that sooner or later one of these people would think to check their ‘other’ box and will piggyback the message for me. I have a right to speak my mind, and even if it won’t change what happened or do a damn bit of good other than to make me feel a bit better, I want to get this off my chest and for her to hear what I have to say.

She could’ve gotten the message, read it, then marked it as unread, but I doubt it. I also don’t expect any response from her or for her to block her account. I think she’ll leave it wide open like the black did in hopes of me incriminating myself. If I do hear from her or her friends, though, I will block them. In fact, if I see any evidence that one of them got the message I’ll block everybody for the sake of protecting my own friends.

MONDAY, MARCH 17, 2014 My connection hiccups once a day or so and I really wish it would stop. It’s only for a few minutes and I suppose it happens to just about everyone at some point, but it’s annoying enough, even if it’s nothing like in Auburn.

Went running at around 10am and by then it was getting warm and sunny, so I went sleeveless. It’s easier to run when the sun’s higher up in the sky as opposed to just rising or setting cuz then it’s not in my eyes as much. It’s also a great way to keep my Maui tan going, but I don’t think I can stand the heat when it gets over 70° since 70° in the direct sunlight isn’t really 70°, especially when you’re running. When it’s too hot I’ll do the treadmill or run late at night or early in the morning.

Another “panel bee” was present last night. Yellow jackets are getting in through the oven’s vent somehow and caught in the drop ceiling. Tom’s going to have to screen off the vent up on the roof. I wonder if the bee catcher we got is defective. We caught tons of them with this thing at the other place. Here they didn’t seem to even know it was there.

Remember how I said no place I move to stays quiet forever and that after 6 months or so something or someone disturbs the peace? Well, there’s this house a few houses down that’s been leaving their dog chained outdoors on their patio that does absolutely nothing at all to stop its barking. How fucking rude, huh? I totally feel for the people right next door. That’s gotta be annoying as hell, maybe even maddening. It’s got a loud bark. Have they forgotten that dogs must be brought in as pets only here and not yard ornaments? Bringing your dog outside for fresh air is fine. But you’re supposed to take responsibility for keeping it quiet… or aren’t you? Maybe Tom was right when he said I was wrong in thinking that the idea of an adult community was for a quieter place and that it’s really to be around people your own age. It’s still quieter here than in other places we’ve lived in the city, but it’s not literally “quiet” unless it’s at night. Meanwhile… thank goodness for sound machines because I’m probably going to need them to drown this mutt out till it starts going from warm to hot.

Last night's dream was quick and senseless. I was in some small building that started off being surrounded by grassy fields. I got the impression I might've worked in whatever this building was.

Outside I heard a guy say to a woman how he'd already fixed that toilet, and she insisted he didn't.

Next thing I knew I was pulling a long extension cord out the doorway, but as I went to do so, I realized the grass had turned into an ocean. People were out paddling in canoes, and I could see a group of people on land toward the right, gathered to either go somewhere or partake in some kind of activity. The group was headed by an older woman in her 60s or so. She spotted me standing in the doorway holding the extension cord, unsure of what to do with it. She sort of looked at me and shrugged as if to say, "What can I tell you?"

TUESDAY, MARCH 18, 2014 What kind of barking, hammering and landscaping will I be in for today? Well, I didn’t hear any landscaping or home improvements going on yesterday, but I can’t fucking believe they let their dog bark on and off for 3 hours, even though I can. All good things really come to an end for us, and this mutt will probably be hanging out there during the daytime till it gets really hot.

Without giving my name, I left a message at the office while they were out to lunch, and gave them the house number. I doubt they’ll do anything about it, though, and will probably just consider it regular daytime noise. I’m not going to complain again, though. I’ll just do what I do when the landscapers start up (though I’d rather that than barking any day), and hit the sound machine on. Maybe others will complain, but I doubt it. Maybe if it barked 8 hours a day they would, but I can’t see it getting that bad. Gosh, I hope not!

Oh shit. It looks like they came to work on the house they were last working on. I gotta get back on nights. I really do.

Later…

I was too excited to break the good news last night, but let me just kick on the sound machine so I don’t have to hear whatever home improvement projects, barking and landscaping that may occur today, then I’ll get on with it.

If only, I would think to myself. If only I could just win enough money to cover the cost of new floors and carpets, the most expensive of the upgrades we want to do. That way we still may have to take out a loan to get another car, but the rest of the projects would be relatively cheap compared to carpet and flooring so long as we didn’t try to do it all at once. A little here and a little there. That’s why we didn’t get curtains for the entire living and dining area. We got curtains for the side windows. Depending on how those look, we’ll eventually do the front. But just enough to do the floors would be heavenly!

And then I saw I had a message from Tammy. In it, she didn’t explain why, but she said I needed to call Walter, the attorney who handled my parents’ estate after they died. Her tone sounded almost annoyed, so we figured it was just to sign some form I needed to sign and that’s all.

“If they screwed up and overpaid me, I’m not paying back a penny of that abusive bitch’s money,” I told Tom determinedly.

Since it’s been nearly a year, Tom said he doubted it’d take them this long to realize they overpaid me and are usually pretty good about that sort of thing anyway.

I agreed, though I also knew he wasn’t calling to tell me more money was on its way even though the legal documents stated something to the effect of a small amount possibly to be added in addition, though it was unlikely.

Wrong! I’ve got thousands on the way thanks to a tax filing error. I emailed him my new address and SS# which he asked for, though I’m not exactly sure how much the check will be. He said 10k, but is that the total? Or is that what I’m to get? I think it’s the total. For it to be my share would mean the total was something like 25k and that seems a bit extreme. Still, 4k would easily take care of these floors! Still not sure what we’re going to install where, but we have between now and when we get the money to decide.

Still don’t like that my 4 nieces are getting 15%. 5 or 10 would’ve been more reasonable. But it is still an unexpected surprise that I also see as a wonderful bonus. Had the will been done up like most wills, their grandkids would get nothing and their kids would have to split it equally which means I’d get a third of the money and not 40%. Worse would be knowing that Larry’s child-woman would be about to make even more money that should rightfully be mine.

“I’m happy for you. It still hurts that I lost 15k to trips to Florida before Mom died. At least you are getting what you deserve,” Tammy told me on Facebook.

Hmm… really? Well, first of all, one can’t put a price on abuse, and second of all, is she trying to make me feel guilty or drop hints about sharing some with her? She told me last year not to feel guilty and that she specifically told Walter she and Mark were doing ok and that she wanted me to have her share, but now??? Has anything changed? I know she and Mark aren’t doing as good as they used to because of their physical ailments, and I also know people don’t always quite mean what they say. “Don’t feel bad,” can really mean, “You should feel bad.” “I’m not trying to offend you,” can really mean “I hope you’re offended or at least a bit annoyed.”

I’m not saying she’s deliberately lying or denying how she truly feels or what her true intentions are, but I think that sometimes some people aren’t as over the past as they may think they are and can subconsciously do little things here and there to insult others that they may not realize are smart enough and perceptive enough to pick up on. So she may say she doesn’t want me to feel guilty about the money and she may think she means that, but maybe deep down she doesn’t. Or maybe things have changed since she first told me this. Either way, the money’s mine and I have a hard time feeling guilty about it cuz I still think she and Mark have a lot more money than we do, and again, what she and Bill did 15 years ago by paving the way for the blacks to get to us cost us way more than my parents’ (or anyone’s) money could ever repay.

I hope this exciting event spawns more good things. You know how good things seem to happen in groups same as bad things? Well, hopefully, more good things are to come, like Tom getting the huge salary he deserves instead of the petty change he’ll probably receive for a raise next month. I had dreams of winning money twice, though I’m not sure what the amount was that I won. It was the same amount both times. $400? $800?

I also dreamed I saw my nieces, but one went from a tall brunette to a short blond, LOL.

Had a nice run earlier. The sun was warm but the wind was cool. Someone had a Hawaii plate with the Kauai Island on it on their golf cart, so I saw, and next door’s got beautiful reddish-pink flowers in back.

Most of the people here are well off, so the Hawaii plate doesn’t surprise me. That’s where most people here vacation.

I’m not one to get jealous or envious of others very easily. My attitude is that if someone’s got something I want that bad, why not go out and get it myself? Granted I can’t just get anything and everything I want, but I can usually achieve most of my goals, which makes the few I can’t accomplish easy enough to live with. It balances out for the most part. No, my weight can’t be lost due to hypothyroidism, but I can maintain my weight. My German grammar will probably never be very good, but I can still get my point across.

Despite being able to accept my shortcomings while managing to nab most of what I want, when I read about this woman who moved to Hawaii and how much she loves it and what she’s able to do every day, I certainly felt a twinge of envy! It’s a good thing Florida is not only way cheaper than Hawaii but similar enough in climate because that’s where we may end up 15 years or so from now.

I shared an article about yet another corrupt pig gone bad on Facebook, and sure enough, a pig appeared as one of Andy’s latest profile pics. And his pics are never meant to annoy or evoke jealousy in me, right? Sometimes I wonder if he has his own deep desire to annoy people he otherwise cares for.

Later…

This is the second day in less than a week that I’ve heard a chainsaw off in the distance. What am I, back in Auburn again?

Anyway, hypothyroidism is a shitty disease. You have little control over your weight and your hair thins out. This is beyond normal thinning we all experience with age. I could afford to lose what I’ve lost because I had thick hair. But if I lose much more I’m going to start having bald spots. Being fat is one thing. I’ve been fat for years, you really do get used to it, and it’s no big deal so long as you’re not seriously obese. But bald? I really don’t want to lose any more hair and start looking like a cancer patient!

I doubt I will, though I do have my doubts about this medication. Like most things, it seemed to help a bit at first, but now I’m not so sure. Like Tom said, though, there are other thyroid medications, so if this doesn’t help they can maybe switch it or adjust the dosage.

I just thank goodness it isn’t cancer or some horrible disease like that. I don’t think I could handle that.

Both my new drapes and my metal skating silhouettes are to arrive tomorrow – yes!

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 19, 2014 Was out running at around 10am. It’s getting too hot for running. It's fine in the shade, but when I run out from under those Cali Oaks I can feel myself frying. It's nice keeping my Maui color going, but tomorrow I might run in the evening.

I swear if I lose one more strand of hair I’m stopping the thyroid medication. I’d rather be fat than bald. Some research shows that others have complained about it too, so there is a connection. I knew one of the symptoms of a bum thyroid was hair loss, but it looks like the medication can add to it. Tom said we can get me some Rogaine if need be, but I’d rather stop having health problems and costing us money.

I’m obviously not as big as I was in Hawaii because my gorgeous tank tops I got in a size large are now loose on me. I can still wear them, though, and they’re great for running. Still, if I had known, I’d have gotten mediums.

Upon inspection, Tom thinks the bees were getting in through an old unused vent opposite from where the oven is. We have no idea what the hell it was once used for, as there doesn’t seem to be any way an oven was ever in that area. He clamped some screen over the end of it and sprayed it real good with bug spray.

Again I hear sawing, but this sounds like a circular saw and not a chainsaw. Still, what is it with these people?

Andy wants me to call him so he can tell me about a terrifying dream he had that he doesn’t want to leave in a voice message. That must be some dream if he doesn’t want to leave a message! I’m definitely curious. I guess we might talk later unless he changes his mind or something comes up.

THURSDAY, MARCH 20, 2014 It’s been amazingly quiet since I got up at around 10am, but the day is still young and I’m sure I’ll hear some sawing and buzzing at some point. Maybe even lose the water for a while. Yeah, they decided to turn it off for a while yesterday. We’re both disappointed in this park in some ways. He doesn’t care about the noise because he’s out a lot more than I am and isn’t as easily distracted by it as I am, but he’s disappointed in the water outages, even if it’s been a while since the last one.

As for me, I think the park is very pleasing to the eye, and I love knowing I can run without dogs chasing me or anything like that, but it’s not nearly as quiet as I would have thought it would be for an adult community. Haven’t heard that dog since its last 3-hour barking spree, but I don’t think it’s because someone said something to them. I’m now thinking they were doing something inside the home that required getting the dog out of the way. I would’ve heard it a long time ago if that wasn’t the case, cuz no one wants to bring their dogs indoors here if given a choice.

It’s around 70° now which is a bit warm for running in the direct sunlight, especially if you don’t want to burn. I’m going to wait until the last of the direct sunlight fades before I go out on my run.

Down 4.5 pounds since my last period, but I’m not stupid. I know my body. Another week it will go into defensive mode, fight to hang onto its weight, and refuse to give up another pound. Then the intense PMS hunger will kick in and I’ll eat on half of what I lost since the other half will be water, but you know what? I’m ok with that cuz I definitely don’t have to worry about gaining indefinitely on what I’m doing. I’m eating a low-cal, high-protein diet with a half-hour of running and walking each day. If the best I can do is bounce up and down within the same 5-pound range having hypothyroidism, that’s better than hopelessly gaining a pound a day for life.

What I don’t get is why some obese people say they’re proud to be that way. I’m not obese myself, but 20-30 extra pounds really show at my height. To me, though, obesity is not an accomplishment to be proud of. It’s unsightly and it’s unhealthy. So while I can certainly see some people being ok with it, which is perfectly fine, how can you be “proud” of it??? Obesity is caused by either overeating and lack of exercise or a serious medical condition. What’s to be proud of in that case even if you don’t mind being big?

Tammy's looking forward to heading down to Florida at the end of next month. In response to my complaining about how my sunburn is making my scars more evident and I might as well wear a neon sign saying I WAS SUICIDAL, she reminded me how many scars she’s got from her numerous surgeries. The poor girl is like a human cutting board!

I have more to write about, but will do it in another entry.

Later…

Tom’s working late and I’m doing laundry while impatiently waiting for the sun to start setting so I can go out running.

I spoke to Andy last night who told me about his nightmare. Had to laugh when he said it’d take him two days to type it up, too. Anyway, in real life, his doctor, who was also his mother’s doctor, is moving out of state. He’s waiting for his new doctor. Meanwhile, he had a dream that his old doctor told him, with his mother in the room, that he would die of a cancerous tumor found near his shoulder blade. This, in combination with the dream I had of him calling to tell me he had cancer, scared the shit out of him. It would scare me too, if we both had a knack for life imitating some of our worst dreams.

But as I reminded him, not all my bad dreams come true. Yes, too many of them for comfort have a way of coming to life, but not ALL. A violent or deadly dream of someone usually means that the person I dreamed about is in for a rough spell and not necessarily the end.

His worst fears have always been burning alive in a fire or not being able to breathe, and he seriously worries he’ll one day not be able to breathe, just like I worry about Tom and I growing old and unable to fend for ourselves.

The only dreams I remember last night was painting part of our place, which didn’t look like our place, as usual. Only I was painting a low or the lower part of a wall. I decided to paint it lavender and then paint the “ends” pale pink on one end and light blue on the other.

Then I was with these two other women. Don’t know if I lived with them or was just staying someplace with them or what. One was white and poor, the other rich and black. The black one’s daughter was murdered and I apparently wrote a book about it to help bring awareness to the case or something like that. When I held the book up to her from behind a wall with a window in it, her smile fell and she stormed off, clearly upset. After briefly considering taking off in case she turned violent on me, I decided I wasn’t going to run scared and would fight back if she attacked me, even if I was risking her crying racism, hate crime or whatever.

Later…

Went on my 2-mile run and I’m not even tired anymore afterward. Sweaty but not tired. Went out once the direct sunlight disappeared and loved all the cooking and flower smells. I love all the decorative mailboxes some people have, too. Worked my arms and abs before it was time to go out, and now I’m going to relax the rest of my day away.

Yesterday we got our decorative drapes but we can’t transfer them to the drawstring track. They look ridiculous. So we ordered a rod with pink translucent balls on the ends. In the end, we’re going to do away with all the old curtains and liners and put up mini blinds in all the living and dining room windows. We can still put the decorative drapes over the side windows as planned.

I also threw in a giraffe for my growing zoo, which will be Animal Figure #18.

My figure skater trio came today. They’re made of very sturdy metal, but there was no wall mount or hooks or any way to hang them, so I placed two in the laundry room window and they look really cool there cuz you can see them from both inside and outside. The other one will be placed above that window once that room is painted.

The tentative floor and wall plans are to return to the original idea of re-carpeting everything that’s carpeted right now. Crème colored carpet will probably be what will replace this old ugly dark brown carpet. I’ll probably leave the master bath’s floor alone since it’s in good condition. I will probably pick some light-colored linoleum tiling for the other bath, laundry room and kitchen.

I’m not sure what all the wall colors will be, but one idea is this: The second bedroom is lavender. The master bedroom will be minty green. The kitchen will be a deep turquoise or sunny yellow. The laundry room will be powder blue. The living, dining and hallway will be pale pink.

I want to eventually get my bride doll, plus the one I recently got, sturdy cases to display them in to protect the whites of their gowns. It’s just that decent display cases are expensive! $50 - $100 just for a lousy case. Well worth it, though.

Tom was given two nice computers from work. I’m not at liberty to discuss how and why he got them. There’s a lot of security and confidentially where he works and with his job. They're actually a bit nicer and faster than our Macs and will make great backups if our Macs go out since they're getting pretty old.

I briefly considered taking one and returning to Windows, but I don’t like their square-ish aspect ratio and while Windows may be safer and less crash-happy than it used to be, I haven’t had a single virus since I went Mac many years ago and have only crashed 2 or 3 times. So why change what works even if Mac is a little trickier to navigate and I miss a couple of my old Windows programs?

FRIDAY, MARCH 21, 2014 Managed to get a full charge on my iPod after all. Maybe I just didn’t let it charge long enough, though it is getting old. My giraffe figurine came and now I’m waiting on the curtain rod for the dining room window.

Like clockwork, my body is now holding its weight after losing 4-5 pounds after my period and refusing to budge another pound. By my next period, I will have gained the weight back in both water and fat brought on by PMS hunger. The first few weeks after periods I eat to live, then after that, I live to eat.

Last night I dreamed we were having 3 or 4 people do something for us at the house, though I don’t know what. Tom went to pay them and was short a dollar fifty. I worried this meant we were now broke. I found the money in my handbag and paid the workers.

Then I watched as someone else came in and began spraying for bugs, hoping that we weren’t broke after all if we could afford to pay someone to spray for us. In real life, we’d do it ourselves.

I had a quick dream of Andy visiting, too. It was late at night. Tom was already in bed. Andy came in from someplace (a concert?) and was eating something. I told him I was going to turn in and asked him to make sure the doors were locked before he went to bed. He nodded through a mouthful of food.

The last dream I remember is staring with a few people at a picture of me sitting next to Nane by a pool somewhere. The people were laughing at how puny I looked compared to her.

Later…

Damn it! Just realized the trolls could now know what park I live in. I rated the park, not realizing it was set to public, and it was viewable on my wall to outsiders. It was probably only visible for a day or two, but that’s all it takes for the wrong people to see it. Including the shit Mexican down in Arizona. I suspect, however, that she and her friends never received the message at all, even to their ‘other’ box. Nor did one of her friends that I friended see the friend invite, which has since been canceled. There’s no way to get my two cents to this sick bitch unless I can find a way to track her down on a reliable site that can deliver people’s messages, and I’ve been unable to do so so far.

As for the trolls, if I keep out of easy reach I should be able to avoid tempting them to abuse my location in any way. Only problem with delusional people is that if someone’s fucking with them, they may automatically think it’s me. Hell, Kathy’s not crazy yet she suspected I might’ve messed with her from a bogus account. rolls eyes Like I’d care to waste my time doing so?

A few days ago Alison told me Mommy Dearest sent her a message on Facebook that she barely glanced at. Something about Molly not doing too well. So she too, just like her crazy daughter, thinks she can simply waltz on back into people’s lives after treating them like shit?

Earlier tonight I saw that Molly peeked in on me. What was weird was that she landed on my LiveJournal profile page but never attempted to view that blog or any other. All entries on LiveJournal are private except for my bio. Did she just want to remind me of her presence?

Later…

Tammy called saying she got sick after leaving her pulmonologist and just wanted to vent. Nothing wrong with that, but I wonder what made her sick?

Got the rod with the pink crystal balls on the ends and found it to be quite rigid. Tom feared it might be flimsy, but not at all. Gonna get a matching one for the decorative curtains I planned to put in the window by the door.

I realized that had I known I was going to do just the side windows I’d have gotten a garden and a beach scene instead of two garden scenes. So I decided to get a rod with purple crystals to hang the second garden scene in the second bedroom with. I will then get the beach scene for the window by the front door.

We were given 2k of credit from a company with no interest due till December. We’re pretty sure we can pay that off by then, so we’ll get these things with that credit. I’m not going to take pictures till it’s all done.

We don’t want to do anything with the carpet and walls until we have the money from Walter and know exactly what we have to work with. Unfortunately, I didn’t hear from him all week. If there are no calls or emails when I get up Monday afternoon, I’ll contact him to see if I can find out what’s up. Really hope we’re not waiting on Jennifer or somebody he can’t get ahold of.

Made my final decision on the wall colors. There will be 5 pastels and white. The only walls that will remain white are in the living room. That way any color won’t clash with my decorative curtains. The other colors will be lavender, mint green, sunny yellow, pale pink and sky blue.

Tom added memory to my computer and it’s now a little faster.

My Phoenix book is now complete. I’m working on the Maricopa book now and will make it public once it’s complete.

SATURDAY, MARCH 22, 2014 When a stranger comes to the door my first thought is to be suspicious and wonder if a certain corrupt ex-piggy and his sick associates who lived with us for too many years may be up to no good. A chick in her 20s came to ask about some political candidate she was campaigning for. Never heard of the person nor do I care. I politely told her I wasn’t interested, though I probably should’ve told her that soliciting isn’t allowed here. She probably was who she said she was, though, or else a uniformed cop would’ve likely shown up fishing for names and whatnot. It’s when they come and ask you if your name is someone you’ve never heard of that they’re probably messing with you.

Went running for a half-hour, though I ended up walking some of it. Took off too fast and burned out quicker and all with the help of the sun, too. I still like to do a “sun run” every 2-3 days to keep my color going. It’s not much, though. Just a little on my face, neck and arms.

Stopped and chatted with a couple of ladies whose dog just loved the hell out of me and had to run up to me as if I were an old buddy it hadn’t seen in ages. Then I detoured by heading down by the lake. The ducks were all resting in the shade of the trees.

Virginia was driving by as I was returning to the house. “It’s too hot to work so hard!” she called out to me. Well, it won’t be on Tuesday and Wednesday if they’re right about the rain we’re to get.

Tom and I gouged out the expanding foam we put in the pot of the tree that fell over, then refilled it partway with Plaster of Paris. Once it dries I’ll add my decorative gems to it.

Got about a week now to decide if I want to join Camp Nano in April and I think I will. I’m mapping story ideas out in my head.

Emailed Alison to let her know about Molly, who landed right smack on my LiveJournal blog today (even though she only saw my bio), but I’ll have to wait a week or so before I hear back from her. I get sick of having to wait days to hear from my online besties, but they gotta do what they gotta do. Strange how Molly never tried to access my Blogger blog… unless she did so too fast for GA to pick it up.

It just hit me… Molly comes around 4 days after I stop updating on my-diary, which isn’t trackable. Could she possibly have known about my account there and followed me there to escape detection?

Nah, I think she likes showing up on my tracker. Good way to rub her unwanted presence in my face.

Every now and then I check Tom’s account to see if there are any notifications about whatever. From there I decided to block Mrs. M’s account just in case she ever tried to look it up. Even though I opted out of searches, I know how unreliable Facebook can be. I swear I had his friend list hidden, even if there’s only me and an ex-coworker on it, but sure enough, it was public.

Couldn’t find Molly, but I found an account of Kim’s in her real name and with her real fat ugly face. I blocked that, too. Sure enough, when I tried to access that account from my own page, she had blocked it as if I were the perpetrator and not her. I don’t know if she’s just kidding herself, delusional, paranoid or what, but she once tweeted something to the effect of blocking old friends before they find her. snorts with disgust Why would I want to “find” her other than to block her sorry ass?

SUNDAY, MARCH 23, 2014 Tom has a cold right now. He had a sore throat for a few days with no other symptoms, and no matter how many times I tell him to scald his throat to kill it before it can fully set in the moment it’s sore, he won’t do it. Now he has a cough as well.

I just love our new dishwasher! It does the best job of any dishwasher I’ve ever used. I fried some pork chops in a skillet, rinsed it out, then the dishwasher got it spotless from there. In the past, I’d have to at least wipe the thing down with a sponge first. So I guess now I don’t even have to do pots and pans. At least not for the most part.

It’s 75° out there now. I like to run after my scheduled eating times, so that will be at either 8pm or 11pm. I’ll probably go at 11pm. No traffic at that time.

Last night I had a dream I had 3 kids and this guy I supposedly knew took off with them in a car saying I was a shitty mother. I then donned my running shoes and ran after the car (amazing if I could run that fast for real), and eventually caught up to it. The car stopped and I flung the driver’s door open in a rage. Cussing, I grabbed the guy by his jacket, but since he was well over 200 pounds I couldn’t drag him out of the vehicle. I could kick and punch, though, and that’s what I did. I had him out cold in seconds and got my kids back. Only thing is it turned out that my “kids” were baby ponies, LOL. They were happily jumping up and down and licking my face like playful puppies.

I'm exploring the map of the park to expand my running route as I get faster and in better shape. There's no way I'm exploring new turf at night, though. I'll wait till I can go out early morning since it's a bit warm at sunset. We're in for a cool wet spell, though.

MONDAY, MARCH 24, 2014 According to Walter, he estimates there’ll be a little over 10k to divvy up and I should receive around 4k. So wrong. So great but so wrong. I should be receiving 6k and my 4 nieces should be receiving 1k and not 1.5k. My check may be more than theirs, but I should’ve received 60% of the total and not 40%. Maybe I’m selfish and maybe I should be a bit more grateful, but for some reason that is a real slap in the face. I was her daughter. Not her granddaughter.

Walter says it will be a few weeks before my money is sent because he needs to meet with the CPA. I figured it’d take some time. These things always do. We’re not going to do the floors and carpet till we receive it cuz we want to save our money for other things.

Lady Di returned to Ask and now my follower count is at 5. I know that one is her and one is Andy, so who the hell could the other 3 be that are following this secret account? I’m guessing they’re either old accounts of Lady Di’s, or random followers from before I started hiding from the homepage. If they were stalkers they’d have reached out to me by now, even if it were under a bogus account.

Again they turned the water off. I could tell when I got up by the way the pipes were spitting air. I’m glad I wasn’t up earlier. I’d have been pissed. Daily landscaping sounds, car door slamming, loud traffic, water outages… in some ways, it was quieter at Jesse’s not that I miss being there with him and his mutts. Had to laugh knowing how hot I’d have woken up today if we were there what with how warm it got today. Going to bed at 6am on a day that was set to get up to 80° would mean having to decide – do I want to open the window before bed and go to bed cold? Or do I want to let the heat wake me up, get up, open the window, then go back to bed? Then if that wasn’t enough I’d have to take my tired ass and climb on the step stool to reach the cooler’s control if the computer wasn’t operating it. It was total bum living.

I’m tired of these rats stinking like shit half the time cuz this cage is so hard to clean. I’m going to put them back in the ferret cage even if it means having to scream at Romeo for making the mess he would make in that cage. He’s the second rat we ever had that loves to push bedding out. He’s not able to do that in this cage cuz of the “screen” that keeps him from reaching it.

Went to Behr's site and wasn't as impressed with their paint colors as I am with Glidden, which is what we used to do the second bedroom in with their Palest Lavender. I'm sure they're pretty much the same shades so maybe it was just the site layout I didn't care for as much.

The tentative color choices are:

Kitchen - Fresh Pineapple

Master bed - Minty Green

Hallway - Sexy Pink

Laundry room - Robin's Egg

Living room - Dove White

TUESDAY, MARCH 25, 2014 OMG, this is too fucking funny. I decided to write Kim M, who was in under the alias of Kim W, my first celly who was as likable as she was not. She was smart and helpful, but a two-faced beggar with warped priorities.

I put the return from Kim W. LOL, that’ll really throw her. Then I wrote out a bogus Sacramento address, took a wet Q-tip, and smeared part of the address. I didn’t want to leave the return blank and I certainly didn’t want to put my own. This way there’s an address even though there isn’t. Not sure if they’ll really believe something spilled on it and smudged it, but I figured it was better than nothing. This way they have to give it to her. At least I hope they do. I can never know these days. First God wanted to punish me for speaking my mind, now He seems to not want me to speak it at all.

I didn’t say anything bad. I mean I wasn’t breaking any laws or anything like that. I just told her I thought of her over the years and wondered what she’d been up to, but that it was sad that she chose crime over her kids. I told her I wanted to let her guess and wonder who I was till she figured it out. If not, she could look me up on Facebook when she gets out. So I wasn’t trying to be totally deceptive and hide my identity altogether. I just didn’t want to make it that easy for her either. I laugh at the idea of her being like, WTF? when she first reads the letter.

I also enclosed some excerpts from our time together. I’m sure she’ll love that trip down Memory Lane, LMAO, and of course I threw in some weird stuff just to mess with her and throw her off. A line in German and some senseless mumbo-jumbo, along with a couple of funny events that never happened. I even threw in a steamy sex clip from one of my books, using hers and Jessica’s name. Jess was our celly some of the time.

Later…

Having one of those days where I don’t feel sluggish so much as I feel lazy. I don’t want to do anything but write, read and maybe watch a movie. I don’t even feel like listening to music. I do have some housework to do and I’m going to make sure I don’t laze out of that. I made a few bucks doing surveys, which I try to do every day so long as it only takes 10-20 minutes. A few bucks may not seem like much till you add it up by the month and realize it’s adding an extra $100 to your income.

Soon I will clean, do one of my French lessons, then proofread old stuff.

Running’s out of the question for tonight cuz it started raining. Sometimes it’s so, so hard to motivate myself to run. When you know your weight can never be lost due to thyroid issues it’s really hard to push yourself to get out there. I know I could jump on the treadmill, but it’s not doing me any good other than to keep me fit and strong and from gaining any more weight. I know I should be thankful for at least that much. I may be big but I’m in shape. Running is healthy and it has decreased my joint pain while increasing my flexibility.

Thank goodness I’m not the self-conscious type or else I’d be embarrassed to be seen running this big, knowing that by now some people must be wondering why I keep running but never lose the weight. My only slim parts are my calves and forearms, LOL. 1000 calories a day to lose it that way? Fuck no! That’s like starving.

The exciting thing is all the packages we have coming. We did a HUGE $600 Amazon order wanting to stock up on things that are cheaper there and plan not to shop there again for 6 months to a year because we got sooo much shit. The list includes:

Vitamins for both of us.

K-cups for me.

An electric bug zapper that looks like a small tennis racket.

Another curtain rod and curtains with a beach scene for the front window.

A tablet for Tom.

Pink Sugar and Brown Sugar perfume for me.

A fairy figurine and 2 doll cases for my expensive bride doll Summer Dream and for the last doll I got to help keep the whites of their gowns bright and dust-free.

A new wallet and tons of electronic and computer gadgets for Tom, including an electric screwdriver which will help install the new blinds we plan to get for the living room windows and the second bedroom.

6 more Schleich animals, which will complete my animal figure collection as that’s pretty much all I want. The newcomers will be a deer, a fox, a kudu antelope, a zebra, a kangaroo, and a girl holding a rabbit.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 26, 2014 The fattest runner on earth managed to get her ass out for a run today, lol. I’m shocked to see how fast I’m getting. I chose to just run around the circle tonight. It used to take 5 minutes to make a round. I figured 4 rounds would make a 20-minute run. Wrong! I was surprised to find I’d only been out there 10 minutes when I came inside. I’d have to make 12 rounds to get in a half-hour run! That’d be boring running around the same block over and over, so next time it’s back in the other direction.

The other curtain rod and the bug zapper, which looks like a tennis racket, came today. Now I’m looking for things to kill, LOL, but our Riddex plug-in device usually does a good job of keeping bugs away. I’ll go outside and hunt for prey some other time.

Got a ton of things coming tomorrow.

I thought Nane was already in Hamburg, but that’s not until next weekend. She’s been busy working and planning. I guess she’s hunting for a vacation apartment in Greece but is having trouble finding things within a decent price range.

Less than a week till Camp NaNoWriMo. Gotta start mapping out my story plot.

THURSDAY, MARCH 27, 2014 My sparkling fruity water is gone, so now it’s back to plain old boring water.

I’m excited about the possibility of seeing Andy in late November! There’s a concert he wants to see that will be in Sacramento at the time, so he may spend the night then. As much as I’m anxious to see him I’m glad that it’s only to be for a night because I not only have no idea what my schedule will be or what will be going on with me at that time, but he would also be bored out of his mind for more than a night. I’m in a non-touristy location with not much more to do than eat and shop. It’s too chilly to swim in November, so there really wouldn’t be much else for him to do. This isn’t Hawaii or Florida, that’s for sure.

I just can’t wait to see him! To be able to hug him and show him the things I’ve only been able to describe and show in pictures thus far will be nice. Not sure the rats will still be alive at that time, not that he’s dying to meet them, LOL.

Used to hate reality TV. Not anymore. Love the "I Survived" series and similar series as well. I’m a Prime Amazon member so I watch them there. Some of the stories are encouraging and amazing while others are heart-wrenching and totally terrifying.

Really pissed, though not surprised, that my ear pain is back. I should know by now that the past always returns to haunt me. No matter how much I swear something bad will never be again, it seems I can’t escape it forever. So much for thinking a dehumidifier would help. It at least softens my skin a bit. Pretty sure now that the earaches are caused by inner ear tube blockage. (sighs) So I can forget about a pain-free life in that department and just be thankful for Ibuprofen.

The only dream of many I know I had that I actually remember was at this airport that seemingly had no security whatsoever. I was pissed at someone that was taking off on a very long flight, perhaps to Asia. The passengers had boarded and were waiting for takeoff when I ran onto the plane and screamed at them. Then I exited the plane and started to walk away. But then I decided I wasn’t done yelling at them and had more to say. So back on the plane, I went to scream at them some more. Suddenly I realized the seats were laid out slightly differently. People were now kicked back on these recliners that left little space to walk around. Then the plane started moving and I realized, terrified, that I was stuck on the plane and was going wherever it was heading. I shouted for them to stop but of course it didn’t do me any good.

Most of our Amazon order came today. The fox is bigger than I thought and the girl holding the rabbit is smaller, though amazingly detailed. Disappointed with BOTH perfumes. I thought Brown Sugar would smell just like that, brown sugar. Instead, it smells lemony. I can still use it, though. Pink Sugar smells exactly as it should smell, but the roller is broken. The ball is stuck up inside the cap. I can still shake it onto me. Love the moon fairy and the animals I got.

Tom’s cold is getting better but he still has a nasty cough.

As long as no more hair falls out, I love having thinner hair. It dries faster and is much easier to manage. It even seems a bit straighter. I just hope I don’t lose any more.

FRIDAY, MARCH 28, 2014 On the rare occasion that I check the news, I never fail to come away from it feeling saddened or angry. Reading about Texas banning abortions was no exception. Most people were all like, yay! And, this is great! And so on and so forth.

If being on top of the news is “educational,” I’d rather be left in the dark unless it directly affects me.

What is the matter with my fellow human beings, though? Just what is the matter with people? Don’t they realize how truly wrong this is? First off, a fetus has no more awareness than a doorknob as its brain hasn’t developed yet. Any doctor or scientist can confirm this. So to call abortion “murder” is as absurd as calling a punch in the face “love.” Violence is not love as abortion is not murder.

It saddens me to know that now some women’s lives will not only be at risk, but all these unwanted kids will also be born to parents who aren’t ready, can’t afford them, don’t want them, or who might’ve been raped. To hell with what the woman wants; it’s all about this cluster of cells that as of yet is no more aware than a blade of grass.

I have always had a low opinion of Texas much like I do Arizona. Texas may not favor blacks like Arizona does, but not only have I met quite a few bigots and assholes from that state, it’s also gone and added one more barbaric law to its already long list of crazy laws. Again, Texas may not favor minorities and not everyone there may be a shitster, but it’s always been as quick as Arizona to hand out sentences fit for a rapist for the pettiest of bullshit. Now women are thrown back in time with fewer rights and now more unwanted children can be born into an already overpopulated world.

Congratulations, Texas. Keep the insanity rolling.

Later…

Tom and I were discussing Texas banning abortions and he agrees it’s wrong. I feel sad both for women and for the unwanted children being forced into this sorry world. So much for thinking the Constitution would protect a woman’s rights. It’s bad enough to know they’ll force women to have kids they don’t want, but even sicker is that they’ll let it kill her if her life is at risk.

What. The. Fuck?

They’ll remove a tumor that might kill you, but not a cluster of cells that has no awareness? Again, our brains aren’t even developed till well after we’re born, which is why we can’t remember being born, so where people come up with this idea that a fetus has all this grand sense of feeling and awareness is beyond me. And of course the idiots are thanking God for this crazy law. But why? God didn’t do anything but sit back and allow people to trample upon the rights of women. That’s all the bastard did.

We don’t force women to live in states they don’t want to live in, we don’t force them to choose careers they don’t want to have, so why are we forcing kids on them??? Sadly, I see a new trend that I feared many years ago would slowly become the norm, and it wouldn’t surprise me if abortion were one day illegal nationwide. For now, I expect Texas will have a lot more women dying on their hands as they attempt to do what the state won’t rightfully do for them. Especially the poor ones who can’t just run to another state.

Hopefully, when one woman is killed by health complications after she was denied an abortion, her BF or husband will go after the people who allowed such appalling laws. Really, I hope every single one of them gets run over by a car or something!

SATURDAY, MARCH 29, 2014 Just a quick entry before I get on with the grocery list and fleshing out the characters for my next book. That in itself can be quite a job. I’ve tossed around a few plot ideas in my mind over the last week, and now I’m pretty sure of where I want to take the story. So next it’s off to assign names, ages, roles, etc., to the lead characters.

I never used to like reality TV because I believed that TV wasn’t supposed to be about reality, but more like an escape from reality. Lately, though, I really like some of the crime-related series. There’s one that features real 911 calls. One was a case of a woman alone in the country who shot and killed an intruder. What I don’t get is why she felt so bad about it afterward. I mean of course it was an unfortunate thing that no one wants to have happen to them. No one wants to be forced to kill someone who’s trying to kill them. But still… how do you feel bad about doing the right thing and defending yourself? It seems only natural. That’s why I don’t get why some women won’t fight back against an abusive guy. It only seems like a natural reflex to want to strike back just like it’s a natural reflex for us to blink if a bug or something starts to fly into our eyes. If it were me, it’d be a shitty experience to have to go through, but I wouldn’t feel any worse than I would for shooting a grizzly bear that was about to eat me alive.

Another thing I don’t get is the foolishness of some of those with a gun being aimed at them. Like the guy that broke into the woman’s house. As the woman herself said, “All he had to do was stop coming toward me and he would’ve lived.” Why are so many people so dumb? The last thing one should do is challenge or dare someone holding a gun. That is so macho male-ish, too. Always gotta be a hero. Or try to be. To say, “You’re not really going to shoot me,” is ridiculous for if they weren’t seriously considering it they probably wouldn’t be holding the gun on you in the first place. If you’re dumb enough to dare them or to charge them then yes, you really will almost certainly end up getting shot. I know that if someone said, “Go ahead, bitch, shoot me,” I personally would obey that command. :) Especially if it were them or me.

SUNDAY, MARCH 30, 2014 Grabbed a few more animals at Walmart and now I have 28 pieces total. This is definitely going to be it for now.

Gray and white cat

White-tailed fawn

Adult deer

German Shepard

Golden retriever

Siberian husky

Dalmatian

Gray squirrel

White mouse

Black and white rabbit

Girl with white rabbit

Giraffe

Red fox

Coyote

Bengal tiger

White tiger

Rattlesnake

Hermit crab

Kudu antelope

Black and white horse

Brown and white longhorn cow

Black and white Holstein cow

Blue parakeet

Polar bear

Kangaroo

Prairie dog family

Zebra

Raccoon

While at Walmart, besides groceries, I also got a cute little personal electric razor. It’s great cuz it’s the size of a long tube of lipstick or a skinny tube of mascara and can fit in a purse easily. Mine’s got a rose design on it and is great for trimming those extra personal areas.

I also got some hot pink nail polish. Great color, shit quality. I will never buy from Sinful Colors again.

I love to try new things so I got some Triscuit crackers in Garden Herb flavor. I likey. A little salty, but good. Of course the rats just love ‘em, LOL.

I have been trying to get in the habit of buying fresh foods instead of prepared foods, not because it will get any weight off with this bum thyroid, but to save money. I don’t want to be all or nothing either, so this week I took a break from the fresh foods I have to cook and season from scratch and got some of the pre-cooked stuff I love. Not just frozen dinners, but a chicken broccoli cheddar bake in the refrigerated section that is so delish and so homemade tasting! No Angus burgers this week, which taste the most fast food-like out of any frozen burger I’ve ever tasted. But they’re super high in grease and calories so I don’t have them very often. I do what I’m good at. I’m not good at losing weight, but I’m good at not gaining any more and one way I do that is to keep the calories down. Not as low as I’d like, but low enough.

I wish I was a great cook and great with sewing, but again, I’m trying to focus on what I AM good at. Just like it’s best to focus on what we DO have rather than dwell on what we don’t have, I try to take what I’m good at and go with that rather than struggle for what doesn’t come as easily to me. It isn’t that I don’t like to take on challenging tasks at times, it’s just that I want to find a better balance between doing what comes naturally as opposed to what’s more challenging for me that’s only going to make me end up feeling frustrated. There are different types of challenges too, I suppose you could say. Learning languages and writing stories is always challenging, but I still have a knack for it.

Copied some surveys for bloggers from Tumblr and will do those while my electronic proofreader is running. It’s so boring just sitting there doing nothing while it reads, so this way I’ll answer some questions while listening to the reader.

Going to Home Depot this morning for the mini blinds and to pick out the final wall colors. Can’t wait!

MONDAY, MARCH 31, 2014 Yesterday went from fun, adventurous and productive to very sad. My beloved Sugar Ratty apparently had a stroke. Whatever it is for sure caused him to lose control of his motor skills and is affecting him neurologically. He sure acts like he had a stroke, and this is common in older rats. I just never would’ve thought I’d end up losing him first since Romeo’s a few months older. I haven’t lost him yet, but I’ve had enough rats and experience with rodents, in general, to know he’s not going to recover and will probably be gone by next weekend. I know a vet would tell me the same thing. It’s tough, though, cuz I want to make him as comfortable as I can for whatever time he’s got left, but I also don’t want to prolong the inevitable. He doesn’t appear to be suffering now, and hopefully he will pass quickly in his sleep (wipes tear). He probably knows the end has come, along with Romeo, who’s been by his side all the time.

He was out playing yesterday morning and all was fine. Then we went to Home Depot. We seemed to be there forever, but we needed to be because we needed to not only do research, but I wanted to be very selective about what we were buying. Everything ended up costing $400 but should be well worth it.

We checked out carpet and floor samples. For carpet, I’m probably going to end up with some kind of crème or off-white color, but I may also end up with Lilac or Periwinkle. I think it’ll be Angora if we go with the particular brand that has that color. It’s a very pleasant shade for a neutral color. The only potential problem with it is spills. You don’t want to spill red wine or anything like that on Angora carpet!

We saw these really cool color-changing LED tape lights, and checked out panels for our kitchen’s drop ceiling. We’ll eventually replace them, which will cost around $100.

Anyway, we ended up getting white mini blinds for the second bedroom and all 6 windows in the front living room wall, which is technically the side. I just call it the front cuz it faces the street. We’ll probably get shades some other time for the window by the front door and the dining room window.

We both love the blinds much better. It really modernizes the room and makes it look even bigger if you can believe that’s even possible as huge as it already is. It will look even more modern once that wall is whited out. They never painted that particular wall because the old curtains, which were unbelievably filthy as hell, took up almost that entire wall.

Then we got 8 gallons of Glidden semi-gloss paint with primer included. The living room will be the only room with white walls, but there isn’t much open wall space in there anyway cuz of all the windows. We got two gallons of White on White for that room, a gallon of Fresh Pineapple for the kitchen, a gallon of Sexy Pink for the hallway, a gallon of True Turquoise for the laundry room, and two gallons of Minty Green for the bedroom.

So as we’re excitedly talking about colors, furniture, decorations and stuff like that while we’re both pulling down old curtains and rods and installing blinds, I look over at Tom who’s looking at the rats in a strange way. I asked what was wrong and he said he was trying to figure out why Sugar was spazzing out. When I walked over the cage he appeared to be twitching and making jerky motions like he was stunned or something and was turning in circles as if he couldn’t see or make up his mind where he wanted to go. Clearly, he could still hear cuz when I called his name he jerkily staggered up to the door.

Today, not only did I awake with the earache from hell, but he’s not coming to me when I call his name, he’s not eating or drinking, and well, it’s a very sad thought to know he’ll never again chase me around the house, “tackle” me or cuddle up with me ever again (begins sobbing).

Later…

Sugar is now spending most of his time sleeping. He did stagger out of the burrow like he wanted attention for a few minutes. He seems to hear just fine, but I’m not sure he can see. What sucks is that I can’t get him to eat or drink. I’ve held water to his face, cheese, bread, crackers – but he won’t take a thing. It’s truly heartbreaking.

Truly frustrating is that I still have earaches and doubt any expert can help me figure out what it is and what to do about it if there’s anything that even can be done about it. I’m sure the guy would at least love to try and run all kinds of tests on me… at OUR expense. I guess I will just have to suffer on and off, knowing that I wouldn’t be doing so in the first place if it wasn’t meant to be for whatever sick, twisted reason the bastard above has for picking on me in so many ways for so many years. And now He wants to take my beloved rat a good 8 or 9 months before he should be taken. flips finger skyward

I’d say a long, long walk is in order this morning, not just to walk off some of the shit I ate over the weekend and keep my muscle tone up, but to help clear my head. Camp Nano doesn’t start till tomorrow and I have no other major obligations today. So why not walk and walk and walk…

[dollarbin]

Shakey Sundays #56:

Buffalo Springfield's Buffalo Springfield, Part 1

19 and a half centuries ago ago an insignificant-at-the-time writer (who, if he he still held his copyright, would now be a gadzillionaire) credited a recently-dead-and-equally-insignificant-at-the-time-spiritual-revolutionary (who, were he to return as foretold would be utterly horrified at our both our gun toting, Gospel wielding neighbors and our treatment of them) from an utterly-insignificant-at-the-time-corner of the Roman empire (which we've been busy murdering one another over ever since) with the metaphoric idea that a single, equally insignificant, mustard seed can lead to more than enough condiment for everyone's hot dog.

His point was surely more complex than all that, but, a little less than 19 centuries years later, Neil Young took the whole mustard seed idea to heart and planted one of his own which grew, in time, into some damn good Dodger Dogs.

The seed in question is, of course, Buffalo Springfield's self-titled debut album, home to so much of Neil's busy juvenalia.

Don't worry: I'm not going to go on and on about the superior Mono mixes this week or make you listen to tracks by any of Dewey Martin's previous boy bands.

Then again, maybe I will. Check out what is surely the worst lip synced performance of all time.

Dewey's not in this: he was replaced shortly beforehand by a stateside teenage moptop the management deemed ready for Tigerbeat and not much else who clearly has no idea whatsoever how to play the drums or move his lips in time to music. No one bothers to give the "band" fake mics here or offer them a much needed second take.

Instead, at the 1:10 mark, the central kid forgets altogether that the cameras are rolling and pauses everything fake musical to scratch his head; later the keyboard player inexplicably takes the time to open an umbrella. These dopes make the poor guys in Milli Vanilly look like they belong in Cirque du Soleil. By the end the "drummer" is teaching himself, without much promise, how to twirl a stick; I trust he gave all of this up long before the decade was done and moved on to modeling male underpants or preaching the gospel.

I was going to tell you that Neil's first song on Buffalo Springfield is a convoluted slog that is far too complex musically and far too derivative lyrically for anyone in his early band, Neil included, to sell with any conviction.

All of that is true. But it's sure better than The Standells.

Neil's early mustard ain't Dijon. It tastes more like bad Dylan meeting up with bad Brian Wilson. There are more time signatures here than there are in my faltering, middle aged, exercise regime and if I ever come across someone putting sponge in the bells I once rung I'll call the cops.

But Neil's lead guitar tone rings out with early promise and his transitional harmonica waverings ring all my happily sponge-free bells.

Shakey's tiny seed sent out early roots.

[agoblincat]

Finally got good enough weather to stain the new chicken coop we got recently! I did 2 coats over an 8 hour period across 2 days (about 4 hours each day) to thoroughly paint it from inside out.

We have 12 in our flock now. Of course wife keeps adding some here and there when I’m not looking lol. She let me name them this time so they all have sauce/food related names of course.

We have the 2 yellow buff orpingtons Sweet and Sour, silverlaced wyandotte as Teriyaki, goldlaced wyandotte as Honey BBQ, the lavender orpinton is Parmesan Garlic, the small bantams named Ketchup and Mustard, then the ones with little tufts on their heads (think they are polish?) we have Dijon, Sriracha, our yellow ameraucana as Ranch, and lastly our grey barred rock Hot Buffalo.

The small bantams named Mustard and Ketchup are so cute. We found out Ketchup is our only rooster so far and he just began crowing! My favorite so far is Parmesan, she is just so pretty!

Last but not least, my wife got some silkies that I named Salt and Pepper, because I had to! They are so cute!

I still miss our old flock very much, Maple, Willow, Cedar, and Sequoia were very special to us. Oak is our only survivor from the last flock.

She is a very strong hen and still rules the roost!

That’s all the updates I have for now on our little chicken family.

[qnewsau]

Rallying cry for LGBTQIA+ freedom at 47th Mardi Gras Parade

New Post has been published on https://qnews.com.au/rallying-cry-for-lgbtqia-freedom-at-47th-mardi-gras-parade/

Rallying cry for LGBTQIA+ freedom at 47th Mardi Gras Parade

The 47th annual Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras Parade took over the streets of Sydney on Saturday night with rallying cries of LGBTQIA+ pride, protest and freedom.

An estimated 200,000 spectators cheered from the sidelines as over 10,000 marchers across 180 floats took to the streets.

Organisers said this year’s “Free To Be” theme was an all-important reminder that the fight for LGBTQIA+ rights is far from over.

Mardi Gras CEO Gil Beckwith said, “Mardi Gras is a celebration, a protest, and a love letter to our community all at once.

“The 2025 festival embodied ‘Free To Be’ — a statement that we are here, we are proud, and we are shaping the future with every step we take.”

Image: Georgia Jane Griffiths

‘We have to support our trans family’

Ahead of the Parade, Mardi Gras board co-chair Brandon Bear also issued a rallying call for trans allyship.

“The global stage at the moment is now frightening, erasure of our communities is happening – there is no doubt about that,” Brandon said.

“Now more than ever we have to galvanise, we have to support our trans family, we have to work to stamp out racism in our communities, we have to show up.

“If we lose focus, we lose our rights.”

Image: Georgia Jane Griffiths

The Dykes on Bikes led the Parade, roaring down Oxford Street, followed by the First Nations and 78ers floats, honouring Mardi Gras history.

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese joined the Mardi Gras Parade for the third time as Australian leader.

Sydney Lord Mayor Clover Moore, NSW Independent Alex Greenwich, Greens MPs Adam Bandt and Mehreen Faruqi as well as federal independents Allegra Spender, Zali Steggall and Senator Lidia Thorpe were also among the politicians joined the Parade.

NSW Police Commissioner Karen Webb joined a contingent of the state’s police officers. They marched wearing a rainbow themed police polo, following controversy over the force’s participation in the parade.

Image: Georgia Jane Griffiths

Troye Sivan appeared at Mardi Gras Party

As the last floats made their way to the end of the Parade route, thousands of revellers kicked on at the Mardi Gras Party. The hours-long after-party took over six venues at Moore Park until dawn.

The lineup included UK singers Romy and Hayla and US DJ Honey Dijon. US DJ and producer Leland brought out Aussie pop icon Troye Sivan during his set at the Forecourt.

Troye performing Rush onstage at Sydney Mardi Gras during Leland’s set⚡️pic.twitter.com/iyxb87eRcj

— Troye Sivan Updates (@UpdatedTS) March 1, 2025

Kylie Minogue, whose Sydney Tension Tour concerts kicked off at Qudos Bank Arena on Saturday night, didn’t attend Mardi Gras but sent a video message from her gig to celebrate.

  View this post on Instagram

  A post shared by Kylie Minogue (@kylieminogue)

Mardi Gras organisers have confirmed the dates are already locked in for the LGBTQIA+ festival next year.

The 48th Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras will run from February 13 to March 1, 2026.

For the latest LGBTIQA+ Sister Girl and Brother Boy news, entertainment, community stories in Australia, visit qnews.com.au. Check out our latest magazines or find us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and YouTube.

[existentialmagazine]

Review: Ambergrove share genre-blending new indie single ‘stills’, fusing a world of styles into an anthem of acceptance

Perfect for fans of Dijon, The 1975, Talking Heads and Bon Iver, Ambergrove look to be both familiar and completely unpredictable, always pushing the boundaries of genre with everything they do. As a collaborative project whose core songwriters reside on the central and southern coast of California, the group are capable of exploring so much nuance between their many experiences and tastes. Now as they build up to sharing a risky debut album ‘I Love You As A Bright Horizon’, the group are ready as ever to push the expectations of genre further than they’ve ever done before.

Dropping the lead single ‘stills’, the group are ready to let listeners into the first snippet of what they can expect from this striking new project. Through a steadier more eclectic drum beat and tapped percussion, the track instantly opens with a sound that feels outside of the norm. Warm electric guitar strums and plucked notes push things forwards, with intermittent and light orchestral elements subtly following suit. Everything about it is completely mesmerising, like watching a painting come to life as each instrumental element weaves and compliments each other in an elegant growth. The low-toned vocals perfectly complement it all, rich and deep against the magical, brighter palette of sound all while the occasional haunting backing vocal high adds some contrast.

As the chorus erupts with uniquely blaring synth whirs, layers of backing vocals, sprinkles of fizzling sound effects, pattering drums, piano keys and so much more, you can feel the heightened emotions that have been swept along throughout. With so many varying pieces pulled together to create such a patchwork of a high, ‘stills’ absolutely radiates in this moment. As the narrative ties everything together, Ambergrove sing of learning to accept things both for what they are and what they aren’t, something that’s equal parts hopeful and painful to come to terms with. Through lines like ‘you’re still here, not far away’, there’s slithers of support and solace in company, seeking the guidance of others. Further lyrics still struggle though, admitting‘I want to run and hide’ as they perhaps struggle to face the reality, slowly allowing themselves to do so as the song progresses.

If you’d like to feel the magic of ‘stills’ for yourself, you can keep listening here.

Written by: Tatiana Whybrow

Photo Credits: Unknown

// This coverage was supported and created via Musosoup, #SustainableCurator.