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#disjointed thoughts by. someone
dogfogcoggg · 10 months
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so i finally started listening to my damn skippy cd [i ordered it as soon as it was available but my cd player broke :(] and seeing as that album got me through 2022 i am SO ENAMORED
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man i really should just make #thepersonever my personal tag instead of it relying on the url haha
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rexalogy · 16 days
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rawring 20s
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modify-and-sever · 5 months
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On Aromanticism, Youth, and Growth
Though, I suppose this applies to asexuals, too. Just know that I'm speaking specifically from the aro perspective. I'm new here - be nice to me 😭
Today, I came to the (honestly, long overdue) realization that I am aromantic. Upon many sleepless nights, fitful daydreams which all ended the same way - "You don't have to think about that right now" - I realized that perhaps I want to think about it, and I did.
I am also a very young adult.
I am certain that there is much discussion on the idea of "growing out of" being aro or ace or anything in between (in fact, I know there is, I've seen it from the outside, pawing at the windows of the aspec community that I wouldn't let myself touch for so long), but I guess I just. Want to talk about it, too.
For months (let's be honest, years), the main, big thing keeping me from the wider aspec community was my youth. Adults and well meaning peer-age friends told me with certainty that it's normal to not feel romantic attraction until you're older, it's normal to not want to date, or to settle down, until you're older. But there's always that caveat.
Until you're older.
And that always had me wondering - how old to I have to be to be allowed to opt out? 20? No, far too young. 25? Maybe you'll see some prospects when you're older? 30? Maybe.
They act as if I'm in a race to end my social life as I know it, like I'm ruining something if I "decide" too early. Decide what? Not to date people? Does every non-partnered person on earth wake up with the conscious decision not to be dating anyone? Am I expected to always be available for that kind of relationship?
I find this experience has a lot of overlap with other queer identities - which sucks for me because I guess I have three of them now. Gay people are told "maybe you haven't found the right opposite gender partner yet," trans people are told "you might regret changing your body eventually," and aspec people are told not to "limit themselves." But really... I'm not?
I want to have deep, meaningful relationships with people. I want to have sex. I want to go out with people in the way people who are "dating" might. I want to have these experiences, but I don't want a partner. And if that's "limiting," then maybe I don't want to have those experiences with people who expect more than that out of me, anyway.
But the real point is, and this is applicable to any identity, who cares if I'm "wrong?"
What harm is done if I decide this feels right for me now, and later it doesn't? What happens then? Nothing. Nothing happens. In fact, the only thing that does happen is that once the label stops fitting, I'll know for certain that it doesn't, because I spoke to and related to a thriving and supportive community about these shared feelings instead of forcing myself to "grow out" of them.
Maybe in a year, maybe in ten years, I'll feel differently. Maybe by then I'll want to settle down with someone. But I don't live ten years from now. I don't even live a year from now. I live in the same time as the rest of the world, so what's the harm in being who I am for now?
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byanyan · 2 months
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I've talked a fair amount about how byan has been bullied and hurt by teachers in the past (& how they'd hit their limit and seek drastic revenge, in some cases), but I've never really talked much about how byan has also bullied and outright tormented teachers for themself... like yeah, it's definitely because they don't trust teachers or authority figures in general due to their past experiences, but that doesn't mean that their 9th grade math teacher deserved to feel afraid for his own safety or that their 10th grade biology teacher should have been so stressed that she retired early. byan has been done dirty by a lot of people in their life but they've also been a genuine menace to others who gave them no real reason to be, and they have taken enjoyment in it in a lot of cases.
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curedeity · 1 year
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Hey just gonna put this here but ive been thinking a lot recently about how to encourage and support the beyblade ficwriting community. Were pretty small, even if were determined, and already at a disadvantage with ao3 as the most popular site we gotta use (yes i believe in insulting ao3 at every opportunity given). I wanted to know if anyone had any way theyd like to be supported.
Feel free to reblog this with ideas, put them in my inbox, dm me, whatever!
Also artists, also feel free to send in ways you might wanna interact with the ficwriting community more! Id love to hear
On that note if youre on ao3 youve prob seen the safe beyblade fics collection! Feel free to recommend fics to be in it! We're hoping to make it a good place to go to find more curated fics
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dangoulains-devotion · 2 months
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thinking just a bit too hard about how the added depth given to tifa and aerith's friendship only increases the weight threatening to crush tifa after the forgotten capital, she already had so much to carry on her weary shoulders, she's going to have to carry even more when mideel happens, and it doesn't even stop after meteorfall, ohg od oh i love her so much i
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#(sobbing and crying and snotting everywhere) AERITH GAVE HER SOMEONE TO CONFIDE IN ON SUCH A TUMULTUOUS JOURNEY#SOMEONE SHE COULD BE AS CLOSE TO FULLY RELAXED AS POSSIBLE#SOMEONE TO GOSSIP WITH OR SHARE HER CONCERNS OR JUST. BE A NORMAL GIRL WITH#YUFFIE'S THERE BUT SHE'S JUST A KID AND TIFA WOULD NEVER WANT TO HARM THE AIR OF CAREFREE CHILDISHNESS SHE MANAGES TO MAINTAIN EVEN IF#ITS BECAUSE YUFFIE IS HIDING THINGS THAT ARE CRUSHING HER#but poor tifa . gentle tifa. is now left to regret. to blame herself.#she has barret who acts like a father figure to her sure - but despite how much she cares about him and values her frienship with him#he's not aerith. he's not someone she can just gossip about first loves with. not someone she can fully Relate to. if you get what i mean#she is left to trace back the thread of how poor aerith got caught in this mess#she was the one to ask aerith to save marlene. but how did they get there? aerith refused to let cloud be a bystander in wall market#how did that happen? she made a risky choice that put her in a position where their paths crossed. why? because cloud was briefly lost#during the bombing mission. why did the bombing mission happen? she couldn't stop it. ETC ETC#NONE OF IT WAS HER FAULT... BUT SHE NEVER WANTED TO DRAG INNOCENT PEOPLE INTO THIS AT ANY SINGLE POINT#AND NOW SOMEONE WHO QUICKLY BECAME A CLOSE FRIEND IS GONE oh lord my heart#all of this added onto the things like how alone she was in nibelheim... it was just her and her dad for some years after the boys all left#and then the Incident happens and she loses that last person she had... and to an extent another she didn't even know was right there(cloud#god i could talk about her and how she has suffered more than jesus for ages (happy easter. lmao)#FF7 Rebirth spoilers#just in case?? for anyone who's only playing the remakes i guess. since this was basically already there the remakes just elaborate on it#i think about 'we found you!' 'i guess you did!' SO OFTEN#these two girls mean the world to me and i will not let you reduce them to love interest rivals#when tifa ran over to aerith's body i think everyone in the world heard my heart shattering into dust#these thoughts are a bit disjointed and don't articulate well what i mean but god. god. i am thinking about her today
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victortalkingmachine · 3 months
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it is always a bit shocking whenever i see another fallen london player indicate that they do not log on every day. your actions....?
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sab-vs-self · 7 months
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Quietly envious of Firefox modders like I was of UnixPorn rices when I was a lowly Rainmeter user.
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I think I started out as an ElementaryOS user (it was sleek and pretty.) It was frustrating to use, something was always broken and someone related to the project was always in drama so I moved back to Windows. The funniest thing about my first installation of Elementary was that the install was broken and you had to rename a folder and add a file for it to work.
Came in-and-out of Linux with some Debian flavours. Settled with Ubuntu because I wanted something with a large enough community that I could have someone else give me fast solutions to problems that come up.
Changed my window manager from Budgie to i3 and ended up with my first rice that was super helpful when I didn't have a mouse for my half-dead laptop. Now I dual boot Linux + Windows and also switch between budgie, i3, and gnome depending on the aesthetics I want that day. I will also say that I wish I never upgraded to Windows 11 because WSL is broken for me. (If I'm doing something wrong let me know pls). If you're considering Linux then this can help you choose a distro that will suit you.
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For spicing up Windows:
Wallpaper Engine
Fences
Rainmeter
TaskbarX
More things at Deviantart like pretty cursor sets
It is amazing how my software life always evolves because I'm chasing the next pretty customisable thing (and I did NOT have enough RAM for Windows + programs).
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At my last job I ended up buying an extra 32gb because just running to preview my PRs would routinely crash my laptop. We weren't even sure it was the space issue at first because everyone else had Macs so no one could reproduce my problem 🥹
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starscreaming666 · 10 months
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Looking back on Detroit become human in the wake of the ai craze is like. The most morbidly funny thing to me One of these days I have to write something on how the story of that game just gets HORRIFYING when you view it through a (more) modern lens. Man
#This definitely isn't an original thought but as someone who devoted way more time than I should've to dbh#I just wanna share what's going on in me brain#Like. About dbh#Horrible racism allegory aside. A corporation creating robots meant to replace human workforces while like. People still have to rely on#Employment to uh. Survive. Is genuinely a terrifying nightmare scenario and the thing that's funny to me is dbh just doesn't seem to know#This. Like at all#It doesn't even. Like I don't remember it taking a second to reckon with the way the working class is forced to interact with the world#And how introducing what we're seeing in 2023 (ai being used to replace artists in most cases) on a mass scale is just. Unfathomably evil#And the game doesn't examine like. The corporation behind all of this at all. Like Cyberlife (from what I remember. Which isn't much) is#Effectively PASSIVE in the game. It's just like. Neutral robots and good humans vs EVIL humans who uh. Don't want to be homeless. I guess#Like you're not gonna even. Say a word. About the company willing to let this happen. Like this game has hundreds of scenarios and not a#Single thing that examines how a corporation effectively sentencing people to death for money is fucked up#You don't even need to incriminate the androids for this one man.#I don't know :) like there's a lot wrong with the game but it gets so much worse looking at it now#My thoughts are so disjointed man I just have words floating in me head that bounce into each other sometimes#Sorry about the rant! I'm scared of making this an actual post so it's tags now#Dbh#I think that was my tag for Detroit posts. I just want to sort it :')#rant in tags#Hope everyone's having a good day! :3 I'm sitting here thinking about robots :)
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dogfogcoggg · 2 months
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this fucking faggot
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thymeofarrival · 1 year
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I need to Do Things more often, I miss having things like callouses and muscle soreness
#thymewilltell#I mean the kind of muscle soreness from using them not generic muscle pain#generic muscle pain is not fun#I was going to make a remark about fun kinds of pain and have elected to instead remark that I’m not making that remark#if my phrasing makes no sense I’m sorry I have not slept#it is after 6 am#there’s not even a reason I just don’t feel that tired#I think I’m overtired actually#I could probably sleep if I could turn my brain off#instead I’m interrupting my regularly unscheduled laundry folding to go on a tangent in these tags#I have muscle soreness now from my long bow-tie-search induced walk earlier which is what prompted this#I need to find someone to belay me I miss rock climbing#(when I had callouses that’s where they came from)#my thought process always jumps around like this but when I’ve slept I tend to be better about inserting the connections for other people#I am not doing that currently so if things seem disjointed that’s why#I don’t insert the connections when I drink either and my filter similarly goes out the window#but I also get touchy then because I’m not constantly stopping myself from things like touching someone’s arm to get their attention#or hugging people that I’m not Really Close with#I miss my cats they’re nice to cuddle with#my eyes feel like sandpaper and I might fall asleep on the floor so I don’t have to move the laundry that I’m halfway done folding#the only thing stopping me is that it’s too cold without blankets#I bet this is because I took my meds too late yesterday and they were making me unable to sleep#even though they don’t actually work for what I take them for#dosage adjusting process my beloathed
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So, my friend (who we’ll be calling l from now on if I don’t forget because I might just disappear again idk) is transphobic.
I’m not even mad, I know me being mad about any shit in my life wont help anything
I’m relieved I guess, but also feel like a terrible person because how could I just be complacent?
It’s not hard pretending everything’s normal, and I don’t think it’s affected me that much, but then I feel horrible about not caring, so maybe it did?
I’m kinda confused, but it doesn’t even really matter because no matter how I feel about it, she’ll still be homophobic and I’ll be in the closet
-👐 (that’s the emoji I used, right?, I can’t even remember since I disappeared for a while)
Hello! Welcome back! It's nice to see you again, although I wish your circumstances were better. I do think it matters how you feel, even if it doesn't change the outcomes. Feelings are part of it all, they deserve space and time and attention.
I'm sorry your friend is transphobic, and I'm sorry you're not in a place to express yourself or get away from her. It always hurts to find out, even when you're being hesitant and cautious going into it, at least it has for me. There have been a few people I've been around who just...don't click quite right, and I wonder things, and I try very hard to assume the best and not jump to judgements on anything, but then when I do find out some of the beliefs they hold it still sucks. Even though I was wondering about it, it still sucks to find out. Because I want people and the world to be better than that. And I know that bigotry is out there and harmful ideology exists because real people believe in it, but i like to hope that people are better than that.
and it's like, at least I know and am no longer wondering, but I hate that this is what the outcome is. Because sometimes it feels like it would be better to be in the dark, because then you could be ignorant and still hope for the best. But now you know, and you can't unknow it. And you have to live with that knowledge.
It can take time to figure out how you feel, and there can be a lot wrapped up in all of it, too. So if you don't know, that's okay. There's no time limit on processing. But your feelings do matter, even when it changes nothing, even when you reflect and have to admit that it does hurt where you wish it didn't.
I can't change your friends or your situation, but I'm sorry she's transphobic. I hope you find people around you who love and support you and the people you care about, both online and in-person <3
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byanyan · 1 year
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one thing about byan is that they'll always downplay the hell out of their accomplishments and any good they've done, while in the same breath playing up anything dangerous or stupid they've done if they consider it cool or badass enough
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once-a-honey-bee · 29 days
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I could've spun gold with all of it
I want to scream
Who says it? Who gets to say that we're just sad forever?
The world is collapsing but there are still people smiling and laughing and holding to their friends and all they've built
But not me
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foreverdolly · 2 months
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ೃ࿔ SAVAGE BONDS part 2 『 feyd rautha x atreides!reader 』
summary: destined to one another since conception, your very life belongs to feyd rautha. as a token of good will you are sent to the strange planet of giedi prime a week before your wedding ceremony, only to learn that it is far more hostile than you imagined it would be. a failed assassination attempt has tempers flaring and sparks flying when it is decided to be safer to sleep alongside feyd. you hate to admit it, but he has played the part of a "protector" better than the guards who were tasked to watch over you. whilst you have been dreading this union all of your life, feyd has been anticipating it. meeting you as children had left him awe-struck. . . and a bit obsessed.
warnings: !SMUT HEAVY IN FUTURE PARTS!, feyd is super overprotective in this fic and kills multiple people in your honor, blood and gore, it's a dark romance folks, political marriage, forced proximity, temporary unrequited love, a lil dubious consent in some scenes, there's a lot of talk about breeding, enemies to lovers (in your mind, not his), there's a "who did this to you" scene, knife play, blood kink, breeding kink heavy, lots of scent marking/marking.
word count: 4.5k
← previous chapter | next chapter →
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Legs tangled in gray sheets. The lightning-quick flash of a silver dagger, held by a pale hand.
The images in the dream are more like fragments- impossible to discern and decipher. On the bed, asleep and vulnerable. . .
There’s you.
And then Feyd wakes up, heart hammering in his chest so hard he can feel it in his throat. Slowly his fingers crawl up, up, up the expanse of the bed in search of something. In search of warmth, of you. Nothing. He’s just as alone in his room as he was when he drifted off into sleep. He lays awake the rest of the night, tossing and turning with worry.
This dream felt more like a warning than just another disjointed nightmare. It felt real. He was used to having dreams every now and again which clearly depicted a future outcome. He saw you in his dreams quite often, more so once he was no longer a boy-child.
If someone thought to hurt you… he’d just have to hurt them first.
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The customs you and your people practiced were completely different to those that were normal on Geidi Prime. You watched one of your ladies-in-waiting as she brought over another small bowl of sweet smelling bath salts, dumping it in and using her hand to properly dissolve them. For a moment you felt self conscious, running your fingers through your hair as you looked at their perfect complexions and shaved heads. What did they see when they looked at you? Someone beautiful and strange. . . or an alien?
Still, you would eventually have to disrobe and bathe. Pressing your luck and refusing their help would only solidify your place as an outsider. You were sure that whispers of your arrival were already spreading like wildfire, and it was almost guaranteed that no one was happy about it. An Atreides amongst Harkonnen’s? You were nothing more than a pariah on their industrial wasteland of a planet.
The air was even more acrid in your lungs than it had been the night before, and while the smell of the rose body oils and salts were thick and hazy in your room, you could still catch the scent of pollution. Already you missed the cool, crisp air of Caladan. You missed your horses, your parents and your brother to the point of pain. This was not where you belonged. Not here in Geidi Prime. Not here with Feyd-Rautha.
The urge to cry yourself hoarse was practically undeniable, and yet you somehow managed to resist. You were late to breakfast already, and surely the Baron was making some unsavory comments about your family and their taught “manners”. So you untied the front of your nightdress and shimmied out of it, letting the soft cotton pool at the ground beneath your feet. The women couldn’t help but gawk at the tiny imperfections they saw there- a beauty mark you’d had since you were a child, a scar you’d received while training with Gurney. You weren’t used to feeling so self conscious, and so you were quick to grab one of the women’s extended hands so that you could sit down in the murky bath water.
They rubbed floral smelling soaps into your hair and on your skin, making sure to handle you as though you were as fragile as porcelain. You wished they would scrub you raw. Even then they wouldn’t be able to cleanse you of your fears. You were in the hands of the Harkonnen’s now.
No one could save you.
“We are not very used to styling hair, my lady. It might not be to your liking.” One of the women said anxiously. The way that her hands shook as she gripped the hairbrush was not lost on you.
How cruelly were they treated here? Or even worse- what did she think of the Atreides family? What lies had they poisoned these people’s impressionable minds with? You didn’t care to dwell too much on such thoughts. Reaching out you gently removed the brush from her hands, flashing her the kindest smile you could muster before shaking your head.
“Leave this to me then. Why don’t you pick something for me to wear from my things?” Your bags were still packed, lying exactly where a few servants had laid them last night. You had denied every offer to have them unpacked for you.
Denial. You refused to believe that you were actually stuck here. This would never be your home. It couldn’t be.
“He’s not here,” Feyd was sitting at a long, slate-gray table by himself. The food on his plate had barely been touched, but he had busied himself with chopping the meat up into miniscule pieces, too small to even fit on the prongs of his fork. “If you were planning on trying to make a good impression, you can forget about it. He always has his food sent to his quarters.”
You thanked the two ladies that had shown you through the colorless halls under your breath, moving to sit on the other side of the table. At least eight chairs separated you from the Na-baron and it still wasn’t enough. You wished you were on an entirely different planet, lightyears away from the Harkonnen scum.
The room was practically empty aside from the large dining room table. No art decorated the walls or rugs to cover the floor. It was all cold, black marble with white accents.
“I don’t care, actually.” And you were being truthful. You didn’t care about getting on the Baron’s good side any more than you cared about getting on Feyd’s.
He smiled then, staring at you long and hard before licking one of his black painted canines. He was amused by the blase way you brushed off his uncle so easily. Indifference wasn’t something he was used to, especially not when everyone in the galaxy had tried so hard to get on their good sides. People tended to tread lightly as far as the Harkonnens were concerned. They were as wealthy as they were cunning.
“Be careful, little Atreides. Saying things like that might get you hurt around here.” His gruff voice was but a whisper now, and suddenly you felt as though there weren’t twelve feet of dead-air separating the two of you.
You had picked up your fork, ready to eat whatever bland food had been prepared for you, but froze at his words. Heat rose to your cheeks and you were quick to lean back in the ornate high-backed chair, the cool iron seeping into your back through your clothes.
“Do you mean to threaten me?” Your words were icy, tongue sharp and ready to give him a proper lashing.
“It’s not a threat, darling.” He was practically purring, reveling in the joy of referring to you whilst using a pet name. It suddenly looked as though a switch had been turned on, his eyes narrowing on you. “I know him far better than you do. He’s killed people for far less. Be careful.” There seemed to be something he wasn’t telling you. There was genuine warning in his tone.
A pause.
“Please.” And then he went back to eating.
So were you supposed to act gutted at his uncle’s absence? You picked up the fork and took a bite of whatever had been put on your plate. It wasn’t at all what you were used to. Even the food tasted. . . fake. The meat tasted like it had been pumped full of chemicals and was mealy in your mouth, like sand. Still, you swallowed despite your distaste and shoved the plate away from you.
“Who have you assigned to be my sparring partner? I’m sure that my father made your uncle aware that I train daily, correct?” If you didn’t physically exert yourself and blow off some steam then you were bound to get no sleep tonight.
Last night you had tossed and turned, unable to stay asleep when your body was constantly alerting you to possible dangers. Even now you were on high alert, eyes locked on the knife that sat on the right side of Feyd’s plate. Your own fingers danced towards yours it you watched. Waited. Worried.
“Training?” He tilted his head again, eyes narrowed in disbelief. You could almost see the cogs turning as he mulled over your words. “What good would training do you now? If there are any threats then I am here to protect you- that’s my duty as your husband.”
Ah, yes. Why would a woman train when she could just sit back and play the part of a perfect little wife instead? You could spit.
“Would you rather I just hunt down one of your servants and kill him for sport?” You hated that he was so good at getting a reaction out of you. Maybe you were acting too much like a brat, but you wanted to see him squirm. Seeing him mad must be better than seeing him. . . like this.
For a second he sat there, arms perched nonchalantly over the armrests of his chair, staring at you with a crooked smile. You jumped in surprise when a chuckle escaped him, the act itself so out of place, so surprising that all you could do was stare in horror. The chuckles soon morphed into frenzied laughter, and he was quick to lean back in his seat so that he could place a hand on his chest.
“Was that funny to you?” You spoke through gritted teeth.
He watched the muscle in your jaw clench and unclench with wild eyes, sucking in a deep breath in the hopes of calming himself. Still, to hear such a beautiful woman speak such hideous words. . . it was wonderful, bordering on perverted.
“If you do kill a servant, please make sure I’m there to watch.”
He was too busy watching your face to notice the knife that you slid into the sleeve of your dress. With a huff you stood up, your skirts dryly brushing along the ground as you started to make your way out of the large room.
“I require a trainer.” You tried to mimic your mother’s tone, straightening your shoulders as you turned to look at him.
Lady Jessica always had a way of commanding a room. She was powerful, your mother. You needed to channel that same power now.
“You’ll train with me then,” He stood up from the table, the height and build of him alone nearly causing you to take a step back. You’d forgotten how large he was. How formidable. “Consider it a wedding gift.”
This had you balking, mouth opening and closing as you tried to think of some way to refuse. He was already stalking past you though, ignoring whatever retorts you were bound to make.
“I recommend getting changed. . . Unless you want me to tear that dress to shreds.”
That awful, ugly, no good- 
“Bastard!” You whispered under your breath, wadding up your dress just to angrily toss it onto your bed. 
You sank to your knees, braiding your fingers into your hair so that you could give it a few good yanks. He was doing this to fuck with your head. All of this was calculated on his part, it had to be. Was it all just to get a rise out of you? Or did he truly want to try and hurt you? You couldn’t figure him out, and that boiled your blood. All Harkonnens were cunning, blood thirsty schemers. You wouldn’t put it past him to be unhappy with the marriage arrangement, choosing to resort to violence in order to end things. 
‘Now. Now is the time to strike.’ 
You’d already hidden the blade under the mattress of the bed. The Baron wouldn’t allow you to live if you killed his precious nephew, but you’d much rather put up some sort of a fight than be put down like a dog. After taking a few steadying breaths you somehow managed to pull on your trousers and shirt, your mind plagued with dangerous, dangerous thoughts. If the moment called for it you were certain that you could not kill Feyd in hand to hand combat. His skills with a blade was well known across the galaxy, and while you were more than able to defend yourself, you weren’t delusional enough to think that you could manage to beat him without using underhanded tactics. 
You’d have to wait until his guard was lowered. 
“Do all women take this long to get ready?” 
You hadn’t heard the door open, nor his footsteps approaching. Who knew how long he had been watching you. The intrusion was an unwelcome one. You looked up to glare at him, trying hard not to balk at his appearance. The clothes he wore were skin tight, a black material that caught the dim lighting- like it was made of pitch black oil. His pants were tucked into big black boots, laced up high on his calf. 
He stretched his arms up, leaning against the doorframe so that he could continue his awkward staring. 
He did a lot of that it would seem. Any time you turned your head to face him you found that he was already looking in your direction. It was odd. . . off putting to say the least. Of course you couldn’t know that he was currently tracing the lines of your face with his eyes, committing every detail to memory. You were so different when he compared you to the females that he was used to seeing. You were all soft lines, long lashes and doe eyes. He found it impossible not to look at you. Gorgeous… you were gorgeous. 
“It took me a while to get out of my dress on my own.”You shoved your way past him in the doorway, his chest warm under your palms. 
You were quick to jerk away, startled by the fact that this was the first time that you’d touched him since the two of you had reunited. 
You didn’t hate the feel of him, but you should have. 
“Then you should have asked for some help.” He said, reaching out to grab you by the back of your shirt when you started to walk off in the wrong direction. 
Feyd pulled you along like he would a pet on a leash through the triangular halls, ignoring your mumbled curses as you tried swatting him away. 
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The shield vibrated in your ears as you switched on the button, enveloping you in its warmth. 
You used to find it uncomfortable as a child, the tight, foreign warmth triggering a mild case of claustrophobia. You were used to it now, wearing it like a second skin. You waited for Feyd to turn his on as well, the blade clutched tight in your palm. 
You waited. And waited. And waited. 
“Where’s your shield?” You asked him, motioning towards his hip with your free hand. 
There it was, that crooked smile again. He was laughing at you. Was he trying to infer that you were weak? Was he so confident in his skills that he didn’t even see you as a threat?  
“I don’t see the nee-” He didn’t get very far. 
You kicked your leg out, catching the back of his right knee. His legs buckled, and he was quick to adjust himself, his left arm flying up to catch your wrist before you could sink the blade home. For a split second the two of you just stared at each other. Mild shock in his eyes, your own alight with an anger so consuming that you feared you might be burnt up with it. He gave your arm a sharp tug, hard enough that the joint rolled uncomfortably in its socket. 
You kicked your leg out before he could throw you over his shoulder, landing a sharp blow to his ribs. You heard him let out a pained moan before you hit the ground. Using your weight to your advantage, you tucked your body in, rolling to the side so that you could easily stand up to your knees, blade poised at your side and ready for an attack. 
“You fight well, Atreides.” Feyd purred, spinning his blade between two fingers before letting it fall back into his pale palm. 
“Turn on your shield.” You growled, rising to your full height so that you could begin circling him, a panther ready to pounce. 
“Was it Duke Leto that trained you?” Still, he was ignoring your statement. 
“No.” 
“No, of course it wasn’t him,” He took a step closer to you, eyeing you down. No one had looked at you like that before. . . and it made your skin crawl. You didn’t want to be desired by this man, the thought alone was miserable enough to have bile rising in your throat. “Your father is too weak-spirited to ever train you himself, lest he accidentally harm you.” 
Your heart was beginning to pound in your ears now, vision tunneling. All you could see was Feyd. All you could imagine was the blade that you were currently white-knuckling sunk hilt deep into his chest. 
“How horrible it must be for Caladan to have a Duke so. . .  spineless.” 
You bared your teeth, and for a second you were sure that you would snap the hilt in half with how hard you were gripping your blade. You demanded blood for such an insult. How dare he. How dare he. 
“I should cut out your tongue!” You screamed, pointed the blade at him. 
‘Don’t come any closer’ you urged with your eyes, feeling the angry tears causing your vision to fog. A Harkonnen was insulting your father. He was insulting your family and now he was smiling at you. The bastard had the gall to smile and this time all of his teeth were showing. Wide, unabashed in his joy. He was terrifying. So much so that you felt your legs begin to shake underneath you. 
“But you’ll want to put this tongue to good use eventually.” His gravelly voice purred. 
“Silence!” And before you could even control yourself you were using the Voice. 
You might not be as talented as your brother when it came to hand to hand combat, but your mother had taken the time to teach you well. Feyd’s mouth snapped shut so hard that you heard his teeth clatter together. 
“One more word and I will gut you.” Your voice shook and before you could rethink your actions you were lunging forward, the blade cutting through the air. . . 
Aimed at his throat. 
He was quick to push your arm away with his forearm, and even with the shield up you could feel the bone shattering pressure he put behind the movement. He was stronger than Paul- stronger than even Gurney. He took advantage of the fact that you were put off balance and grabbed a fist full of hair, the shield around you flashing red as he pressed his blade as close as he could to the base of your throat. Your scalp exploded in pain, eyes watering as he gripped harder to yank your head back so that you were staring directly into his eyes. They held no malice towards you, even despite the fact that you were obviously trying to maim him. 
And then he leaned in closer. And closer.
“If I didn’t know any better then I would think that you were actually trying to kill me.” He whispered against the shell of your ear. You could practically feel the warmth of his lips against your skin as he spoke, your heart roaring in your ribcage. With your chests practically touching like this you could smell him.
 You’d only caught the scent of spice once in your life- and it was akin to bitter cinnamon. There was something else though, something more complex to it. Aromatic spices you couldn’t quite put your fingers on and. .  . the natural musk of his skin. 
“So you can speak again?” You managed to tease him through your pain, wincing as he brought you even closer against his chest. The blade that you clutched in your hand was now pressing against his side, the pointed edge digging into his skin. 
He didn’t wince, even when you put more pressure against it. 
“You think it wise to use the Voice on me in my own home, little girl?” He hissed as he pulled away from your ear, and the fire that was in your eyes was now mirrored in his own. 
Slowly you moved the blade away from him, the metallic clanging echoing around the room as you let it fall to the floor. Your palm hurt from the vice-like grip you had been holding it in. 
“Release me now.” You didn’t shy away from staring into his eyes, unwavering even when he pressed the blade even tighter, the shield vibrating louder and louder around you. 
He leaned in, even when your hands moved to press against his chest, willing him to give you space. You could barely breathe with him this close to you. His own knife clattered to the ground, and using his free hand he ripped the shield from off of your hip. The gasp that escaped your lips was uncontrollable. You could feel his breath on your lips as his eyes continued to swallow you up whole. 
They looked even bluer when you were up close like this, framed by long black lashes. For a split second you wondered what had become of that beautiful little boy you had met. Had Baron Vladmir beaten the beauty out of him? Or perhaps it had never truly been there to begin with. 
When Feyd looked at you, up close like this, all he saw was the object of his ever-present affections. Something yawned to life in his chest- the need to protect. All at once he felt wrong, disgusting and horrible for causing you any sort of pain. 
But you looked so lovely with those tears in your eyes. So much so that he gave your hair another small yank, a shuddered breath escaping his lips as you yelped in pain. He saw the hate in your eyes and he detested it. 
‘Fear me’ he silently urged. ‘Love me, do as I say and I will become your slave.’ 
His lips brushed against yours, achingly slow- painfully soft. 
“I yield.” You were quick to say, pulling as far back as you could even with the grip he had on your hair. 
Fire. Your scalp felt like it was on fire. 
And then he released you, taking a step back with a heaving chest. The spell now broken, it felt like the world around you suddenly resumed its orbit. Wordlessly he pressed a hand to his side- the side that you had pressed the knife- and when he pulled it away you could see that it was stained with blood. 
“Didn’t you say that you were going to gut me?” There was no hint of humor in his voice now. 
“I wanted to.” You conceded. 
“Then you should have tried harder.”
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Again you lay in bed awake, unable to fall asleep. You told yourself that it was just homesickness that had you clinging to the blankets, but you knew better. What had happened today left you rattled and confused. 
There were a hundred times today that Feyd could have killed you. Everything that Gurney had ever taught you had disappeared like smoke in the wind the second that your father was mentioned. You had acted on instinct alone. 
And if it was an actual fight to the death then you would have lost. Miserably. 
There was something strange about it though. It never once felt like an actual training session. He taught you nothing and gave you no feedback. Not only that but. . . it never felt like he actually wanted to damage your pride. He didn’t turn on his shield before and after taunting you, almost as though he actually wanted one of your attacks to land. 
He had allowed you to get everything out of your system. You hated that it had worked. It wasn’t helping you to sleep tonight though. No, you had other things on your mind now. 
Like the fact that he had almost kissed you. 
Your knowledge was limited where men were concerned, but you were nearly positive that there was something sexual about the way that he had treated you. It was like he didn’t want to actually hurt you, but still went out of his way to touch you. 
You’d be sure to ask for someone that might be willing to train you again tomorrow over breakfast. Someone who wasn’t Feyd, preferably. Lunch and dinner had been spent in silence on your part tonight. He had tried to strike up conversation a few times, even baiting you in ways that might warrant annoyance and anger. You didn’t budge. Why? Because you hated how nervous you felt in his presence now. 
Was it because you were afraid of him? That had to be it. Hearing about his proficiency in fighting and seeing it first hand were two different things. He had practically swung you around like a ragdoll. It was absolutely humiliating. 
Yes, that had to be it. . . well, you hoped. 
“Atreides.” 
The sound of your name had you bolting up into a sitting position, willing your eyes to adjust to the non-existent lighting in the room. The sound of footsteps had your heart jumping up into your throat, adrenaline flooding your system once you realized that it wasn’t a voice that you recognized. 
No one had entered the room since you’d gotten back from dinner, which meant. . . 
Whoever this was had been hiding, waiting until you completely lowered your guard. You were in danger. Horrible, horrible danger. 
‘Be careful. Please.’ You remembered Feyd’s words from earlier. 
He had been trying to warn you.
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the wonderful line “fear me, love me. do as i say and i will become your slave” is from the movie “the labyrinth”!
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