#expressing ourselves at all? is it really the art style

[rexalogy]

rawring 20s

[harstyle]

pretty

Summary: Your good friend Harry Styles might just be the hottest, most gentleman-liest guy you‘ve ever laid eyes on, so it really is a shame that you‘re not his type. featuring lotsss of pining, insecurities on both sides and a hefty crying sesh (it‘s all a bit pathetic and cheesy really😭)

Pairing: uni-student!y/n + uni-student!harry

Word Count: 6.2k

—

“You’re beautiful, y’know that?”

He was impossibly close, nose mere inches away from hers, and held this expression that could easily make her cry if only she looked at it long enough. Y/N couldn’t handle the pressure of the moment, his intense eyes on hers. It was something out of a romance movie.

And she was left so speechless that all she could say to him was: “uh, t-thanks. Thanks. You too.” It wasn‘t like she disagreed with him, but the sheer intensity, the closeness with which he delivered his compliment made her weak at the knees.

He smiled at her like he’d known she would cower away and brushed some stray hairs away from her eyes. “James doesn’t deserve you. You know that, right?”

In full transparency, Y/N had forgotten all about James. She’d forgotten the reason for her tears the moment Harry had shown up at her flat to give her that long hug she’d been needing.

The only reason James had stumbled into her life at all was Harry anyway. Call it a distraction, a means to numb the jealousy she felt whenever she saw Harry out with another girl.

“I get it, though. I should’ve known he’d be that way, people warned me before going out with him. That he only takes out cheerleaders. Should’ve known he did it for a laugh.”

Harry was similar to James in that regard— he had a type and everyone knew it. Y/N didn’t fall under his category of ‘girls to date’. She often wondered why she always went for guys who would never even look in her direction— a bit of self hatred, maybe. A will to punish herself.

“Hey, stop that. You’re beautiful. Don’t find excuses for his behavior.”

“I’m not, I just… I should’ve seen it coming, is all.”

“No, what we’re not going to do is blame ourselves for other people’s mistakes. James fucked up. He did. And that’s it. You move on, you come back stronger and show him he didn’t leave even a tiny scratch.”

“You’re right. Of course.”

He smiled, “do you feel better?”

“A bit,” Y/N nodded with a sturdy exhale, “thanks for being there for me always. I really appreciate it.”

“What are best friend for, ey?”

It never felt less unnerving to hear those words coming out of his mouth. And really, she knew that realistically they were nothing more, but sometimes, especially late at night when no one was around and all of her uni stress had been shoved into a closet for the day, Y/N let herself believe it was real. That he liked her back. She needed to get a grip and open her eyes to the cold harsh truth; that a friend was all she would ever be in his eyes.

She swallowed a lump in her throat and averted her eyes towards her interlinked fingers. “Yeah.”

“You okay?”

Y/N had long mastered the art of feigning a smile, so it came easily for her to flash her teeth at Harry in this moment.

“Course. Let’s make some dinner, I’m hungry.”

—

“Hey, it’s Y/N right?”

Y/N had seen this girl around before. She remembered because every time she would pass by on campus, Y/N had to admire her beauty; how her makeup always seemed effortless and her clothes complimented her perfect figure in just the right way, how her hair was always in a wave that Y/N could never perfectly recreate and her walk never droopy or tired, perfected by an angelic touch.

Y/N didn’t know this girl, but she’d always wanted to be like her.

“Yeah, hi.” Despite the inherent intimidation, Y/N smiled at her, “can I help you?”

Y/N felt ugly standing in front of her. She’d had to rush out of bed this morning for her analysis class, forgotten mascara and her staple lip balm. She looked monstrously unwell.

“My name’s Iris, I was wondering… god, this is a bit embarrassing, but you’re good friends with Harry, right?”

Y/N saw where this was going off of the jump. It happened way too often for her not to.

And her heart broke just a little more then, because so far, it’d been random girls she knew stood no chance with Harry. But Iris was just perfectly crafted for him, cookie cutter pretty and impressively confident. She had everything Y/N was still hastily working on.

“Uh, yeah.”

“I was wondering if you could give him my number? I saw him at the party last night and we chatted for a bit, but I forgot to write it down for him.”

Y/N had been at that party too, she just didn’t see that. Harry had barely even left her side. Must’ve been when she‘d gone to the bathroom.

“Oh, sure.”

“Great! Thank you so much.”

Iris handed her a little post it with her digits written along with a lovely note about having had a fun time.

Y/N walked to her 8am analysis class with a crucial feeling of hatred for the world and everything in it bubbling in her chest.

—

“Hi, babe.” Harry pressed a kiss to Y/N’s cheek like it was normal before finding his reserved seat next to her, surprising both her and their friends. If Kacy was all too shocked, though, she didn‘t show it, simply widening her grin in response to Harry‘s presence. “Hi, guys.”

“You finally showed up!” Kacy exclaimed, drawing the attention on him with her loud voice. Harry was so busy that he could be hard to track down, which made him an easy target for the occasional jab. In all fairness, he’d seen Y/N almost every day, just not his other friends— and in full honesty, that was enough for him.

“Yeah, sorry, finals week.”

“Y/N found the time,” Sebastian chimed in, tone laced with a tinge of earnestness, although Y/N and Harry could tell he was only teasing.

Harry retorted fairly quickly, “cause she has no other social life.”

At Harry’s words Y/N turned her head at him, mouth dropping open in genuine offense. She couldn’t do anything other than laugh, but really she should’ve hit him for saying that. “So you’re a whore and a backstabber!”

Harry cackled, that beautiful laugh escaping his mouth and blessing her ears, pulling her into his side and hugging around her frame. “I’m only joking!”

“Whatever. I’m not speaking to you the rest of the night.”

“Sure. You try that and we’ll see how that works out for you, babe.”

Everyone but them saw what their future could look like if they both stopped being stubborn and admitted their feelings for one another. Even sitting here, Kacy could see the way Y/N’s lips molded into a smile at Harry’s touch and the way he beamed whenever she played into his antics. Their bond was effortless in the way many couples wished theirs to be— it looked so easy for them to mesh together. Their friends knew they could be happy together and it frustrated them to see no progress being done.

By the end of the night, Y/N and Harry were blubbering drunk messes leaving the bar together. Y/N had taken it upon herself to call the uber back to his for the night.

“God, that was sooo fun,” Harry slurred out, “shame they’re closing soon.”

“You should come more often, we do this every week!”

Both Y/N and Harry were all smiles, looking at each other with excitement radiating from their bodies. It’d been long since they really let go.

“I’m so happy you’re here with me, you know that?”

Her heart rate plummeted.

Sometimes Harry said things drunk that wouldn’t pass as ‘normal’ when sober. He was close, grinning at her like a puppy in love and spoke with such confidence that Y/N was sure he couldn’t have not meant it.

“I’m happy you’re here, too, H.”

“No, like seriously though. You’re the best person I know.”

Heat rushed to Y/N’s cheeks. He was really testing her waters here.

“Oi, shut it. What do you want from me? Why’re you buttering me up?”

Harry shrugged, “nothin’. You really are. Just accept the compliment.”

“Fine,” Y/N smiled in a bashful manner, “thank you.”

“You’re very welcome.”

Y/N stared at her boots, grinning to herself. Comfortable silence went on for a few short minutes, just the sound of the wind wafting by and quiet, calm breathing. Occasionally a car they looked up to to check it wasn’t their ride.

It was such a nice atmosphere.

Y/N was sure nothing could ruin this night for her. She was so happy, so careless in the way uni had long prohibited her from being. She wanted to exist in her little snug bubble forever, a place to hide from the real world with the person she admired most. She‘d sacrifice anything if she could keep this feeling for a bit longer.

And then, as if god disagreed with Y/N‘s pursuit of happiness, a needle set out to burst her bubble.

That needle was Harry, and outside of the bubble, it was cold.

“Can I kiss you?”

The ground beneath her shattered at his words.

Was he… serious?

Because this was her dream. If he‘d been serious, then her dreams came true in exactly the worst way.

Y/N had wanted a kiss from Harry since they became friends all those years ago, but not like this. Not drunk. Not on some stupid impulse. Not when they would wake up and realize it had been a mistake in a few hours. If she’d been willing to risk their relationship because of one shortlived kiss, she would’ve done it a long time ago.

He couldn’t do this to her! He couldn’t do this because to her, this wasn’t just fun. It wasn’t a cute little memory to look back on. Oh remember when we got drunk and kissed? Wasn’t that so funny? No, to her this was more. It was her whole livelihood, the cruxes which her heart depended on.

So although it hurt more than anything she’d ever had to do, Y/N shook her head. Her head barely moved, like her brain was plotting against it as well as her heart, but it did shake just enough to give him an inkling.

“Don’t think that’s a good idea.”

He was quiet for a few seconds (although she could feel his eyes burning a hole into her) before eventually retorting with a weakened, “why not?”.

“You’re drunk.”

“Been wanting to for a long time, Y/N.”

“Harry,” she stressed, voice quivering. Her next words came out in a whisper, “shut up.”

This time, he surrendered.

They waited for their uber in complete silence and when it came for them to sleep, Harry chose to stay on the couch instead of sharing the bed with her. Although Y/N was excruciatingly tired, she couldn’t for the life of her close her eyes.

She’d fucked up so badly.

—

Y/N felt slightly out of place as she slid into Harry’s kitchen in the morning. She looked at him already sat at the breakfast table with an array of pastries waiting for her.

“Hey.”

Harry nodded, “hi, help yourself. Went to the bakery on my run.”

“Thanks,” she murmured quietly, almost to herself. She was too scared to look at him.

“I don’t want it to be awkward between us, so I’ll just cut to the chase: I’m sorry about last night. I know I was drunk and weird and it won’t happen again. You were right.”

Y/N’s eyebrows shot up just slightly, the sheer surprise evident on her features. He was really bringing it up now!

“… right about…?”

“Bout it not being a good idea. I’ve never… I was really out of it, you know? Wouldn’t have asked you otherwise.”

Wow. Yes, obviously it would’ve been a mistake, Y/N knew that more than anyone. But his apology did more damage than good. It was like a knife was being pushed through her chest, agonizingly slow as to make it more painful. Harry had confirmed exactly how uninterested he was in trying anything more with her and it just about devastated her. And yes, in all fairness, it was unjust because she’d been the one to reject him last night but a tiny sliver of hope that he would reach out his arms and say ‘I still feel the same, I still want to kiss you!’ still possessed her delusional mind all night.

“Oh, that. Yeah.”

Harry tried to catch her eyes, “so are we cool?”

“We’re cool.”

Y/N was barely floating now. She didn’t want to eat, didn’t want to be here, didn’t want to exist.

It hurt too much to exist sometimes.

“Y/N?”

She snapped out of it. “Hm? yeah?”

“You okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine. You just reminded me of this girl I met yesterday, Iris,“ her shaking hand slid into her pocket to find the little note she‘d kept stored and handed it to him without making eye contact. Her body was on fire.

“Oh.”

“She wanted me to give you her number, said something about a party where you lot met.”

Y/N watched as realization dawned on him, probably a fleeting memory of Iris now soberly imprinted on his mind. She could imagine all the ways in which he thought about somebody like Iris, somebody who would be so perfect for him.

“Right. Thank you.”

“No problem. I should probably head out to mine and get a few uni things done before I get too lazy.”

Unprompted, Harry ignored her statement. She had a feeling he didn’t even want to hear her. “I didn’t want to text her. Completely forgot about her, actually.”

Y/N couldn’t find the answer as to why.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, I didn’t… I don’t really like her like that.”

“Really? Iris was under the impression that… I mean, maybe she’s mistaken, but she told me about your little hangout sesh and it seemed nice, you know?” Harry’s eyes held something a little different— confusion, curiosity and a bit of sadness. It drove Y/N crazy deciphering him. “And Iris seems exactly like the type of girl you’d like.”

Then his eyebrows drew together, “what’s that supposed to mean?”

Y/N shrugged, body sinking and slowly becoming one with the chair, “just… pretty, is all.”

“A lot of girls are pretty, Y/N, doesn’t mean I automatically wanna date them when I talk to them once.”

“Yeah, but… Iris is your kind of pretty. She’s confident and I’m sure she’s funny.”

“My kind of pretty? What are you implying?”

“Nothing! Jesus, Harry, I just think Iris would be a good fit for you. She’s your type, is all.”

Harry scoffed like he took offense to Y/N’s reply, “and I’m sure you know exactly what my type is, huh? Cause I’m so surface level that I’m only into the same girl, yeah? What, blonde and tall?”

“Harry, that’s not—“

“Then what do you mean to say by that?”

“I just—“

“You’re boxing me together with that dickhead James!”

“No, Harry, I’m not— and if you would just listen to me, you’d understand that!” Y/N finally broke, raising her voice by a few notches so Harry would hear her over his loud accusations. “I’m not implying to you, by thinking you might be into her, that you’re surface level. I’m just saying, Iris seems like she would be your type because in the past, you’ve gone for girls like her. That isn’t bad, okay? I’m not criticizing, just pointing out. You’re into pretty girls.”

“Prettiness is subjective, Y/N, and what you’re doing right now is putting me in a box. What does that even mean, pretty girls? Clearly you’re implying I only date girls that are conventionally attractive because that’s my definition of pretty.”

“So what if it is? I didn’t say it’s anything bad,” Y/N leaned back in the chair, volume lowering as if she couldn’t argue with that statement. “Everybody’s allowed a type.”

“It’s just… you’re using the word type in a derogatory way.”

“How the fuck am I using the word type in a derogatory way?”

“Sounds like you’re saying I’m some dickhead who only goes off of looks. Only goes for tall blonde girls cause they’re tall blonde girls and not because they’re nice people.”

“When did I say that?!” Y/N was bewildered by this. She hadn’t meant anything bad by it! “I have a type too, you know that! And that’s okay!”

“Oh yeah fucking tell me about your type, Y/N, go on.”

“What is your problem?”

“My problem is that you were just crying about James only dating cheerleaders a week ago and now you’re here putting the same thing on me!” Y/N breathed out in distress, finding less ways of deescalating the situation. “Be honest, then, what do you really think of me?”

“What are you even… I love you, H, I’m your best friend, I would never dream of insulting you. I was just saying that you seem to have a type, which there is nothing with!”

“So then what does pretty mean?”

“Just… pretty, okay? Don’t read too much into it.”

“No, I want to hear it. Describe pretty to me.” The word pretty had been spoken out so many times in such vain, that its meaning had became trivial at best.

“I don’t know, H, Girls like Jess, Angelina, Diana, Elle… which, if you were to write out their characteristics; they’re all blonde, tall, skinny girls. I’m not saying that you go off of looks, but I do think you have preferences, and that’s fine. That’s healthy, even.”

Then he scoffed again, but significantly quieter this time around. “Right, you brought the fucking receipts to the table, didn’t you? Do you usually think so lowly of me everywhere you go?”

It hurt to have this distance between her and Harry. They’d always gotten along so well before, so why did this have to become what it had? It had all come out of nowhere and Y/N didn’t have the strength or the energy to lose the one thing she constantly depended on to be okay.

“I don’t… Harry, I don’t think lowly of you. I just thought that you might like Iris.”

“I’m sure you did then.”

“Harry,” she sighed, “please, I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea.”

“I didn’t, got it perfectly clear. So one question though, am I allowed to like brunettes? Or is that too daring?”

“Harry, stop. Why are you being such a dickhead?”

“I’m being a dickhead?”

“Yes, you are.”

“At least I have history with girls for you to come to that conclusion yourself, right? Maybe when you find the courage to actually talk to a guy I’ll be able to find out what your kind of pretty is.”

And it wasn’t meant to be a jab, surely, at least not a terribly painful one, but it hit Y/N stronger than she would have liked. Who was he, making fun of her dating life? This wasn’t the Harry who reassured her after every pathetic bad date, who convinced her that it would be okay if she didn’t find her man straight away as long as she was happy. She’d loved Harry for a year now and there was something so liberating in exploring unknown territory, in partaking in the so called ‘chase’ (maybe somewhat masochistic, liking the torment of the unknown) but that feeling came to a full stop now that it had become clear that Harry didn’t love her back. Before, it had been speculation— now, it was real. And although she’d expected pain, this was cold blooded torture.

Harry didn’t look regretful, but that was because he had no idea what his words actually meant for her. Sometimes she wondered how the people she loved most could hurt her so much as to kick her down to the floor and repeatedly stomp on her body.

Without a word, Y/N stiffened her shoulders in an attempt to seem stronger and stood up from the table with a low intake of breath.

“Y/N.”

“Fuck you, Harry,” she muttered quietly but defiantly as she slipped on her shoes and opened the door out.

She didn’t have anywhere to go, but she knew anywhere else would suffice better than here.

—

Y/N wasn’t even surprised when she saw Harry and Iris arriving at the party together with the biggest smiles on their faces. Kacy turned to her and widened her eyes, motioning to the couple by the door with a questioning stare. Y/N simply shrugged.

She’d been hurting by herself, cramped away in her flat with a bottle of wine and three boxes of tissues and hoping for a little break when Kacy had asked her out tonight— but here he was, ready to ruin her minute of relief.

“She gave him her number through me last week… guess he finally called her.” Y/N explained, lowering her voice. “We haven’t talked since that morning after the bar.”

Kacy’s eyes widened again, because the last time Y/N had spent so much time away from Harry had been Christmas— and even then, they’d called each other every day.

“Why?”

Y/N simply shook her head, unwilling to elaborate. All Kacy could do was pull her into a tight hug and ask her what she wanted to do next.

“I just…” Y/N’s breaths shook, “I’m so tired, Kace.”

And although Y/N had never brought up the topic of Harry, Kacy knew exactly what she was referring to and her heart broke for her friend.

“Let’s go to one of the bedrooms.”

Y/N gave a stuffy nod and followed as Kacy lead the way upstairs.

Once they’d sat down, Y/N began to open her mouth. Her arms hugged around her own frame and tears were building in her eyes.

“Talk to me, Y/N. What happened?”

“He… I don’t know, Kace, he just got so mad at me. I was giving him Iris’ number and he said that he didn’t like her. I told him he should probably call her because I think she’d be good for him— I think I said ‘she’s your type’ or something like that, which is a normal thing to say! And then he went ballistic on me.” Y/N sniffed her nose, “I was just trying to be nice. He started accusing me of finding him surface level even though I implied no such thing.“

“Oh, honey,” it was through Kacy’s pitiful expression that Y/N noticed the ugly tears cascading down her swollen cheeks. “I don’t wanna make you feel worse, babe, but that doesn’t sound like Harry. Maybe you worded something wrong? Or he just heard you wrong?”

“No, I tried multiple times to clear it up, but he kept the attitude.”

“What did he say?”

“Well, I said that he likes pretty girls and he said what do you mean pretty girls? and so I described what I thought his type was, which is tall blondes, you know? And I even said that having preferences is healthy and that I don’t mind but he thought I was boxing him in. But don’t you agree? Isn’t that his type?” Kacy took too long to answer, making Y/N grow insecure, “Come on, he only dates tall blondes!”

“That’s not even true, Y/N. What about Vanessa?”

She rolled her eyes, “fine, one tall redhead.”

“It’s not that, it’s just… I think he was offended because he thought you were calling him some kind of jerk who only goes off of looks.”

“But he’s… he’s great, Kace, really, and I love him, but he does always date attractive supermodel type girls. I mean, good for him, but you know? And I don’t at all think I’m ugly, I think I’m pretty, but not his kind of pretty.”

“Okay, but… okay, what were you talking about before the whole Iris thing?”

“It’s a long story,” Y/N groaned, head falling into her hands, “when we were drunk he asked me if he could kiss me. I said no.”

“What?! Why would you say no?”

“Because we were drunk! And then the next morning he said I was right, that it would’ve been a mistake and we would’ve regretted it.”

Kacy’s mouth was kind of wide open, “and then you brought up Iris?”

“Yes, because I needed a change of topic.”

“But right after that he said he didn’t like Iris.”

“Yes.”

“And then you accused him of being surface level and he got mad?”

“Kacy, I literally didn’t! I—“ Y/N stopped defending herself because she knew she couldn’t cheat her way out of it. “Yes, maybe, okay? So what?”

“So he totally loves you.”

At that point Y/N started laughing— a genuine laugh made its way out of her mouth and she started shaking her head. Her laugh simmered down to a little chuckle and then she got tears in her eyes again. A rollercoaster of emotions.

“Right, sure. Hope you stretched before you took that reach! He said right before that he’d never have asked if he was sober.”

“He was saving face because you refused to kiss him.”

“Kacy, no,” she sighed, “don’t feed me that bullshit. You’re going to give me hope and I can’t take any more of that, okay?”

“He got mad you think he only likes blondes because he loves you and you don’t even see it,” Kacy elaborated even further, which bothered Y/N on so many levels. She’d told her to stop.

“I can’t, Kace,” Y/N cried, covering her eyes with her palms and letting the tears flow out, “I’m so fucking tired of feeling unwanted and like I’m not enough. Like whatever I do, there’s still some other girl who gets his attention. I can’t go on loving him and being his second girl every day. He goes on bad sex dates and comes home to me, goes to parties where he does body shots off of other girls, and then cuddles me in bed. I just can’t do it. One day he’ll get married and expect me to be his best man and that’s way more than I can take.”

“Look, I understand, but all you need to do is talk to him.”

“I can’t!”

“Why not?”

“I don’t want to lose him.”

“Isn’t it better to lose him now than to feel like this every day and lose him in a few years when you’ve physically broken yourself down over it? Isn’t it better to know? I know you won’t lose him because I see the way he looks at you and I see how he treats you. And he’d be stupid not to like you back. But if I‘m wrong, wouldn‘t it still be better to know?“

“No. I can do without knowing. If he knows and he doesn’t feel the same it’ll be weird and I can’t lose him. I can’t, Kace, he’s the only thing holding me together. Look at me, I’m such a fucking mess.”

“Y/N, eyes up,” Kacy ordered, taking ahold of Y/N’s forearm and forcing her to look at her, “you’re allowed little moments of weakness. Love does crazy things sometimes. You need to tell him or you’ll regret it the rest of your life.”

Y/N’s eyes stung hard.

The door opened in that moment, forcing the sound of the music into the otherwise quiet room with a force. Both girls looked up to find Harry by the door, his eyebrows drew together in concern at the sight of his teary eyed best friend. It didn’t matter what they were going through, their bond was strong enough for him to know something was seriously wrong.

“Are you okay?”

It was then that Kacy took her cue to leave, to Y/N’s dismay, and stood up from the chair to let Harry take her place. She closed the door behind her to give the two of them privacy.

“Y/N, you okay?”

“Yeah,” she tried to smile, though due to the tears it was clear as day that she was perpetually telling him lies whenever he asked her that question. “I’m okay.”

“Hey, come on,” he whispered into the quiet, inching closer to trap her chin between his fingers, “tell me what’s wrong. Did some asshole hurt you?”

“Yeah,” she nodded with a small sniffle. The asshole is you. “I’m just… having boy trouble. It’s okay. You should go back to the party.”

“Fuck the party. Who hurt you? I hope you mean your feelings, not physically…” He’d started raking over her body to check for bruises, a tick in his jaw.

“No! God, no, just my feelings. And I’ll get over it.” I couldn’t ever get over you. “Isn’t Iris waiting for you? I saw you arrive together.”

“Oh,” his features hardened for a split second. Y/N blinked and it was gone. “No, we ran into each other outside and talked for a bit. She asked me out, so… I think I’m going to go.”

It was like he was testing her, staring into her eyes to capture the exact moment she crumbled. But she didn’t. She held her head high and gave a subtle nod. “Sounds good.”

He sighed. It was quiet and could almost be classified as a simple exhale, but she knew it wasn’t.

“So who’s the guy?”

Sometimes he could be so oblivious that Y/N wondered how he’d made it so far in life. Surely he was only playing the part, right?

“Doesn’t matter,” Y/N shrugged. She was starting to cry again. “He’s insignificant.” You could never be insignificant to me.

“Should I talk to him?”

Yeah, that would be good. “No, no, it’s fine. I’ll just… get over him.”

“Well I don’t like seeing you hurt, baby,” he tilted his head, cupping over her jaw and brushing over her skin delicately. The room was dimly lit to make it all the more romantic, but Y/N couldn’t fully be immersed in it. “No guy is worth your tears. You’re beautiful and brave and so so funny. I’m so lucky to have you in my life, Y/N. You’re the most perfect girl there ever was and if he can’t see that, then he doesn’t deserve you.”

He couldn’t do this to her. He couldn’t speak of her the way she always wished he would speak of her, but not mean it. It showed her what he was capable of— loving her, paying her attention the right way. She was left shattered.

“See, you say that, but you…” Y/N broke down in tears, “but nobody ever means it.”

He tilted her head up so he could stare deeply into her eyes and utter his next words in full honesty, “I mean it. I promise you, Y/N, I mean what I said with everything I have in my body. I mean it every time I say it when I’m drunk and I mean it when I’m sober. I mean it when you’ve just woken up and I mean it when we’re studying together at night. I mean it and I will always mean it.”

Instead of making her happy, his words made her cry even more.

“Harry,” she cried, bending her neck forward so the top of her head rested on his chin, “it hurts so much.”

“Come on, baby, it’s not worth it.” Then he started kissing the crown of her head, moving down to her temple and rubbing circles into her shoulders. “It’s not worth it.”

But he was worth it. He clouded her vision and made her feel lightheaded. He had the power to make her cry and the power to make her so unbelievably happy that she couldn’t imagine having ever been unhappy. He made her wonder how she could’ve lived such a mediocre, painful life before he entered it— that was the kind of power he possessed.

Y/N didn’t have to think twice about kissing him, she just did. She looked up at Harry and inched closer to rest her lips on his, and it caused emotions in her body she didn’t even know were possible. Harry seemed surprised but he caught on fairly quickly, letting her take the lead in the kiss until it’d been a few seconds and he felt her deepening it.

He pulled away, eyes finally opening.

She was startled. “Sorry, did I hurt you?”

He shook his head gently, letting a reassuring smile sit on his lips, “no, but I’m worried about you. I don’t think it’s a good idea to do this when you’re crying over another guy, you know? I don’t want to be your numbing medication.”

“You’re… not,” her eyebrows drew together.

“You didn’t want to kiss me last week. It’s seeming like an ‘I miss another guy so I’ll hook up with you to numb the pain’ situation and I just… I don’t want either of us to regret it.”

He was trying to be nice— and he was, really was, but the sinking feeling in Y/N’s stomach worsened.

“That’s because we were drunk last week.”

“You’re hurting over another person, Y/N.”

“He’s not important, I just want to kiss you. I want to have sex with you. Okay? Because I want to, not because I’m into some other dickhead.”

Harry seemed to have trouble believing her, “I can’t.”

“Okay, whatever. It’s fine.” Y/N stood up from her chair, creating some distance between her and Harry and started walking away from him. He held onto her hand though, preventing her from moving too far.

“Y/N, come on.”

“No, genuinely, I don’t want to coerce you into having sex with me, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

She was being honest. She didn’t want Harry to feel like she was using him under false pretenses.

But having him think that was still better than confessing.

“I didn’t think you were coercing me into doing anything, Y/N, I just don’t want you to regret it.”

“Yeah,” tears built in her eyes again and she bit her lip to hold them in, “you’re a really good guy, Harry.”

When he stood up to offer her comfort, she immediately took a step back and held her hand in front of her in an effort to force him away. “Please don’t.”

“Y/N…” He looked pained and thoroughly confused at her cold behavior. Harry knew she tended to close off whenever she felt bad about herself, but that had applied mostly to other people. Harry, on the other hand, had always been successful in finding a way to pull back her in.

“No, I’m embarrassed. Jesus, I’m such a mess! I was talking about this with Kacy, I‘m just… I‘m all over the place.”

“You’re not a mess. You’re hurting, that’s normal.”

“I just asked you to fuck me, that’s… who the fuck does that? Since when am I like this?”

“Since you’ve been hurt,” he countered, “love makes you do weird things. God knows I get a bit crazy too when I’m in love.”

“No you don’t,” she said to him, voice hoarse and uncomfortable, “you’re fucking Mr. Perfect. Everyone loves you and you’re hot and you’ve got the brilliant mind. You can’t do anything wrong.”

“Everyone doesn’t love me,” he replied with a leveled tone, “if everyone loved me, I’d be with the girl of my dreams right now. But I’m not, so… not everyone.”

“Can’t fucking imagine that,” Y/N muttered, wiping under her eyes. “You probably just communicate badly and she doesn’t know you love her.”

“Same with you.”

Y/N’s heart squeezed painfully in her chest.

“He’s way out of my league.”

“Who is this guy anyway? You’re gonna hype him up to me and not even let me know who it is?”

“He’s, uh…” Y/N walked further away from him and sat down at the edge of the bed, covering her face with her hands, “he’s from uni. Tall, dark brown hair, green eyes, sometimes glasses. He’s really nice but dates girls who are the complete opposite of me—you know, really model type girls. And I just… whenever I look in the mirror, I’m reminded of just how unattractive I am compared to them— and don’t get me wrong, I’m fine with me but they’re just better. I can’t keep up with it. And god, I feel so pathetic talking about myself like this but he’s just… he‘s so perfect and I love him and I don’t want to lose him. He makes me doubt myself sometimes, you know?“

At the latest he must’ve known now. Y/N could hear his brain professing that information, double and triple checking all possibilities until it dawned on him that she was talking about him.

He cleared his throat, stepping closer. “So he’s… where do you know him from again?”

A short pause before committing to the method, “we met at the fresher’s party three years ago.”

“And you see each other a lot, I assume.”

Y/N was still not looking at him, head buried in her hands.

“We… yeah. We hang out every day. He’s mad at me right now though.”

“So you… you love me.”

She didn’t answer, but she didn’t need to. She’d given up, left it all to fate; if he would turn her away and never talk to her again or ask to continue being friends. It all became obsolete.

“I’m sorry,” she muffled into the palms of her hands.

“D’you wanna hear about the girl I’m in love with? Have been in love with for a year now?” Y/N wanted to shake her head, but she didn’t, so he continued. “She’s from uni too, spends about three nights a week at my flat even though hers is bigger. She can be really distant, but when she gives you attention it’s like the whole world healed. She’s so sweet and considerate and brings me little gifts sometimes and even though she’s damn near perfect, she gets really insecure about things, especially when it comes to her looks and stupid dicks.” Y/N had started looking up at his words, spotting Harry closer to her but not sharing any of her own emotions. He was taking the piss, wasn‘t he? “Locks herself away in her room until she feels ready to leave the flat. She’s selfless, gives me other girls’ numbers even though she’s in love with me— even makes me go on dates even though I’m sure it hurts her feelings whenever I do.”

“You love me?” she sniffled, “I’m not joking about this.”

“I love you, Y/N. I do. S’why I got so mad last week, wanted you to realize that I’m more than some shallow asshole. Didn’t know you felt the same, though.”

“How could you not? I literally get so weird around you these days.”

“Thought it was just stress or something,” he cupped her cheek, thumbing away some tears, “I’m sorry you cried about me, should’ve just said it like a normal person. Just didn’t want to ruin us.”

“Me neither.”

“I’m going to kiss you, okay?”

This kiss was a thousand times better than the last one. Y/N felt giddy as his lips ghosted over hers, as he pulled her up from her seat and sat back down to have her climb over his lap. She breathed into his mouth, ground against his crotch like she was a horny 16 year old girl being touched for the first time. There was no heavy feeling weighing down on her chest, she could just be free of concerns.

After a few minutes of making out, Y/N laughed. She damn near cackled into his mouth and when he questioned her with a confused stare and a cute laugh of his own, she shook her head.

“Remind me to thank Kacy later.”

—

disclaimer: this is NOT meant to offend anyone based on their looks— it‘s just a depiction of a girl feeling insecure because she thinks the guy she loves doesn’t see her the way she wants him to. The description i used of his ‘type’ and the inevitable perception of what Y/N looks like in this story was completely random and is completely up to you. I hope it doesn’t come across as anything other than that!

[earthyaries]

How you flirt based on your 5H

The 5th house is ruled by the sun & the sign of Leo; it rules over pleasure, our relationship to children (& “baby-making”), self-expression, creativity, the arts, what we consider fun, & romantic flings. The 5H represents how we express ourselves-romantically + creatively. Using the 5H, we are able to see how we & others flirt.

Aries 5H: You make the first move. You’re direct. You aren’t afraid to ask for their number or tell them how good they look. You don’t hint. You’ll be the one to break the ice, & others find your confidence attractive.

~ Figures w an Aries 5H: Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian, Adriana Lima, Jhene Aiko, + Hailey Bieber

Taurus 5H: You make them swoon over you. You use your looks + material possessions to gain your crush’s attention. You cater yourself to their aesthetic a bit; you might dress in a way you know they will like. You are extra thoughtful of them, you may even buy them gifts.

~ Figures w a Taurus 5H: Kylie Jenner, FKA Twigs, Christy Turlington, Jude Law, + Rebecca Ferguson

Gemini 5H: You pique their interest. You keep them guessing & never let them become bored. You ask them questions about themselves & notice the little things about them that others don’t; ppl love your charisma + good nature.

~ Figures w a Gemini 5H: Ariana Grande, Megan Fox, Mac Miller, David Bowie, + Aaliyah

Cancer 5H: You offer them solace; they feel safe w you. You often find yourself being a place of comfort for those whom you care for. More subtle in nature, your affection comes across as warm & tender.

~ Figures w a Cancer 5H: Michael Jackson, Zayn Malik, Audrey Hepburn, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, + Alicia Keys

Leo 5H: You attract them. Having the sign of Leo in its own house, you don’t have to do much to catch your crush’s attention- however, you might introduce them to your world of music, fashion, etc. if you really like them. You’re vibrant & inviting; your smile is enough to make them melt.

~ Figures w a Leo 5H: Rihanna, Heath Ledger, Gigi Hadid, Penélope Cruz, + Kendall Jenner

Virgo 5H: You do favors for them; you remember the things they like & dislike. You observe them & make them feel seen. You may offer them advice. Others appreciate your attention to detail.

~ Figures w a Virgo 5H: Miley Cyrus, Amy Winehouse, Pete Davidson, Kristen Stewart, + Pamela Anderson

Libra 5H: You charm them. You’re surprisingly forward & you use your people skills to your advantage. You know how to make someone blush. Your mannerisms are naturally flirtatious, & when you like someone you play that up.

~ Figures w a Libra 5H: Cher, Lindsey Lohan, Drew Barrymore, Jack Harlow, + Charli XCX

Scorpio 5H: You seduce them. Your eyes are very sultry, & you know how to use them; you make direct eye contact. You may run a hand thru your hair or draw attention to your lips when you know they’re looking. Others associate you w having a naturally sexy presence.

~ Figures w a Scorpio 5H: Angelina Jolie, Kanye West, Lisa Bonet, Sharon Tate, + Abel Tesfaye

Sagittarius 5H: You have fun w it. You like to tease them; joke around a bit & make them nervous. Unpredictability is key, which means you’re good at surprises. You love to keep them on their toes & wanting more. Ppl admire your lust for life + spontaneity.

~ Figures w a Sagittarius 5H: Alexa Demie, Drake, Selena Gomez, Brittany Murphy, + Audrey Plaza

Capricorn 5H: You make an effort. More traditional, you’ll put in the work to show them you like them. You’ll ask them out. Direct, but not pushy. When you like someone, you don’t mind paying the tab. Your “old fashioned” dating style is a breath of fresh air for many.

~ Figures w a Capricorn 5H: Timothée Chalamet, Bella Hadid, Keanu Reeves, Kurt Cobain, + Christina Ricci

Aquarius 5H: You make yourself accessible to them. Not usually the one to initiate, you try to make it easier for them to make a move. You will add them on all your socials, respond to their texts; you might like to talk to them over the phone a lot. They’ll catch the hint.

~ Figures w a Aquarius 5H: Beyoncé, Leonardo DiCaprio, Denzel Washington, Gia Carangi, + Idris Elba

Pisces 5H: You romanticize them. You take them as they are & see them thru caring eyes. You are gentle w them; you point out all the things you like about them & compliment them often. Ppl cherish your softness.

~ Figures w a Pisces 5H: Lana Del Rey, Frank Ocean, River Phoenix, Doja Cat, + Natalie Portman

[aleprouswitch]

From One Goth to Another...

You don’t have to wear all black all the time! Black is obviously the most important color, but if you want to mix in other colors that you like into your wardrobe, there is nothing wrong with that at all. I personally like mixing black with dark shades of red and burgundy/maroon shades. Occasionally I mix in black with white too just because I like the contrast. Play around with colors and see what looks best to your eyes.

Heavy makeup is not a necessity. Not everybody has the time, energy, patience, or resources to look like a variation of Morticia Addams or Elvira every day of their lives. Some goths don’t even like that look at all. If you’re not that keen on makeup or you prefer a more simplistic makeup style, you’re still goth.

You do not need pale skin to be goth. I repeat - YOU DO NOT NEED PALE SKIN. If anybody tells you this, they are dead wrong and also probably racist. The great thing about wearing black is that black looks great on any skin tone. Goth is inclusive to people who are the palest shade of peach and the darkest shade of brown and every other shade of skin in-between.

If you’re not into TradGoth styles or TradGoth music, that’s fine. No really, it’s fine! I think it’s important to educate yourself on the origins of goth and to be familiar with the OG scene, but if you’re not into backcombed hair or Bauhaus, that is 100% okay. Sadly a lot of TradGoths are snobbish about this kind of thing too, but their snobbery shouldn’t discourage you. Like whatever aspects of goth culture you want and do your own thing.

Don’t let your aesthetic drain your bank account. Buying a ton of expensive accessories, clothing, furniture, and household items that match your goth aesthetic is a bit impractical, especially if you’re on a budget. Instead, hit up some local thrift stores - you’ll be amazed at how much goth-style clothing can be found second-hand. About 80% of my wardrobe comes from thrift stores, plus I’ve found candelabras and decorative art with dark themes, too.

Additionally, don’t let your aesthetic compromise your professional life. If you have a job or career that requires you to look “normal” from 9 - 5, there is no shame in that. We all have to tone ourselves down a bit in a professional setting, because putting food on the table is a bit more important than being mysterious and spooky. If you can, find ways to subtly express your goth style in the workplace without getting yourself in trouble with Human Resources.

Don’t have an “us vs. them” attitude. This is a big mistake that a lot of mall-goths/baby bats make - thinking that everyone who isn’t goth is a “prep” or “the enemy”, even if they don’t outwardly say it. Having a diverse group of friends is SO important. Don’t shut somebody out just because they’re a part of a different scene. Most of my closest friends aren’t goth, but we get along great just the same. Friendship is about loyalty and being there for each other, not about outward appearance.

You don’t have to practice witchcraft to be goth. I think this is another huge misconception about goth culture, that “goth” equals “occultist”. Although there does seem to be some considerable overlap, not every goth is a witch, and not every witch is goth. If you’re a Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Sikh, Pagan, Atheist, Flying Spaghetti Monster adherent, whatever - you can still be goth. Goth is a stylistic culture, not a dogmatic one.

If there are days when you’re like “fuck it” and you want a break from being goth, take that break. Have mousy hair and wear sweatpants for a day. Wear something pink if you want. Put on some really embarrassing pop ballads from the late ‘90s and belt your heart out. Watch some terrible romantic comedies. Feel good about yourself knowing that you’re goth when and if you want to be, and that you’re not playing a character for anyone, including yourself.

[ancientgoddessofegypt]

Neptune Placements (Observations)

I notice it is all about the feeling with you guys.

When it comes to the way you communicate, express, create art etc. It is all about what you FEEL.

You may get downloads/messages from Source and it may not make sense at first, but later down the line it will.

sometimes the message can be vague but thats the point, your not ready or able to receive the whole thing. sometimes the universe wants you to connect with the mystery and go with the flow. you guys are honestly good at surrending if you allow it.

dont let anyone steal your joy too, a lot of you have a crazy connection to the inner child. your innocence is what we need in this world and tbh I think people can be real jealous of that.

your dreams are powerful, you receive all sorts of downloads, inspiration from them. like movie ideas, lyrics, and paint ideas just be coming out of y'all lol. dont let that go to waste you need to get right to it.

portals are something you guys are naturally adept too. portals are everywhere, and it shows in energy and frequency very often.

you guys 'shape shift' a lot. this is my favorite gift I notice within y'all. because you are multi dimensional and at any given moment you guys can switch in a blink of an eye. this can show in personal style, environment, art, people, etc.

I talk about this a lot, but people could learn how to shift realities, quantum leap, manifest, and connect to their souls desires because you are adept in this universal tongue. this is a gift you guys have as well.

the third eye of neptune/pisces placements are gifted in this area because you guys naturally see beyond the veil. it is only when its unevolved is when it becomes hallucinations, things that aren't truly there and its messing with the brain overall.

that 'delusion' people speak of about pisces individuals is due to them again, seeing beyond the veil.

what is seen to be myths and fantasy is real in many different ways but im sure saying some of that out loud would when you the 'crazy' trope. thats a compliment to them. (aquarius as well)

in my honest opinion, people want believe them until they see that their crazy wild theories manifest into reality and thats when people want a piece of the cake. I'd honestly start charging for the spiritual knowledge that a lot of you have access too.

again, with their spiritual eye being that open, they teach us how to connect to the many possibilities in the universe. ANYTHING is possible.

let me repeat that.

ANYTHING.

IS.

POSSIBLE.

I really want to right this down .. idc if I sound crazy lol - but to the fellow pisces/neptune individuals if you believe in all that fairytale, siren, god and goddess myths and what not please do not stop believing. save your inner child. you guys have an imagination that connects to the divine in more ways then one and people need that. when you tap into source you allow us to connect to that divine source as well. you teach us how to believe not only into GOD/UNIVERSE but believe in ourselves as well. the original witches/wizards lol. so I suggest you keep strengthening that brain because you are not all that crazy.

[maximilliansblog]

Trans people! We need to give ourselves clear transition goals! /nf

Because for the past few years that I've been transitioning, I've just said that i want an androgynous look. But what does that actually look like?

See, i'm genderfluid, and i would like to have a flexible look that can change with my gender representation. I would love to just be Bram from Scooby Doo Music of the Vampire (good job if you remember that movie, much less this guy) when I'm masc. Here I'll find a picture of him.

This guy right here. There were like no pictures of him online lol. But this would be a very unrealistic transition goal for several reasons. One: He is like 6 feet tall and I am 5'3". Two: He is skinnier/more well-toned than me. Three: He has this very gothy vampirey look (If you want to know more, he was basically in some kind of acting troupe that did vampire stuff but then he wanted to become an actual vampire so he became a bad guy and kidnapped Daphne as a sacrifice. It didn't work. Sorry for the infodump I literally pretended to be this character so much when I was a kid lol) that I would not be putting on every day, and even if I did, that would not look normal!

So what would be a reasonable transition goal? We should have a clear picture of what we want. There's tons of pictures of people on the internet, so we'll find one. But you have to consider a few things.

1.) Your height (You can only change this by an inch or two with those things you put in your shoes).

2.) Your weight (You can change this, but it takes a lot of hard work. I would recommend making your transition goal just how you are currently, but if your outwards expression matched your internal gender).

3.) Your face shape

4.) Your hair type (I really wanted to be one of those "fluffy haired" boys/enbies from Pinterest, but my hair falls flat on my head and has no texture! I tried to get that hair for over a year, but in the end, I couldn't change my hair type!)

5.) Your skintone

6.) Your muscle tone (You can also change this but like I said with the weight, you want to make your transition goal as achieveable as possible! You can always tone up once you reach that goal).

7.) Your personal clothing style

8.) Oh yeah most importantly, will your outward appearance be masculine, feminine, or androgynous (this can be genderless or a mix of feminine and masculine traits)? It is perfectly okay if you want to go for a look that is not traditional! Like if you're a trans man who wants to dress more feminine or something. That's totally fine!

All of these things must be considered when you find your references. I'm calling these pictures "references", like what artists use to make their art piece.

So for my references, I have to consider that I am 5'3", overweight but not quite plus-sized, I have a round face shape, a very fine and flat hair type, a cool-toned pale skintone, no muscle tone, a casual clothing style, and I want a masculine-leaning androgynous appearance. It would be very hard to find a reference with every single one of these traits! So collect multiple! Find one for your haircut that you're going to get, one for the clothes you will wear, etc. You can also edit images to look more like you, by darkening the skin tone (I don't recommend doing the opposite ^^) or slightly changing the face shape. It is also good to find pictures of fellow trans people with your traits as inspiration.

Here are the images that I found:

I narrowed it down to hair, body type, and fashion, but you can have as many references as you want!

Now of course, you won't look exactly like your references! In the end, you are you! Every person is unique. But hopefully, having a clear transition goal will help you in your journey :)

Have a lovely day you lovely person!

[tbgkaru-woh]

Might have asked you that before I'm not sure but. Do you have some sort of process for your redesigns?? What kind of stuff do you try and pay attention to when redesigning a character? I also wonder what is important to you visually when designing clothes? like, is there any type of shape hierarchy you try and go for? Also Where does your knowledge of clothes come from?

These ended up being many questions haha. Anyway love your redesigns, every one you do is like a little gift in my day!

those are all wonderful questions and i hope i can answer them (or even understand my creative process enough to give them) There are two design choices I try to stick to, one is thanks to me playing hero shooters and that's recognizable silhouettes: try to give the characters a unique shape or trait that even if you put them in different clothes or hairstyles, you can always tell it's meant to be them by that specific thing. The other is, thanks to fandoms, i know people like making OCs or trade characters around if there's factions, so I like making "faction" clothing that's unique to a group of people, whilst still making each character wear it uniquely even within the group itself lot of the designs are affected by what i SUBJECTIVELY perceive the character to be like and what style of clothing i connect to that kind of behavior, be it from real life experience or what just. flows nicely, i don't know how else to say it :') like there's difference between elegant or street wear, of course they can overlap, of course they have no dictating on what each of those means about each person, but good rule of thumb is that we dress to express ourselves on first glance (those that can afford to do so for whichever reason) so if you're daddy's little lawful good you're gonna dress differently than a bold punk. those are pretty basic thought processes, not much unique :'D so sadly i think lot of it just comes from my subjective perception of who these characters are and what i could highlight about them. as for the clothes themselves, i don't even know really, character design- from clothes to size, shape, color to body language- is just something i always loved to do and wanted to do, be it for games, comics, or re-designed existing characters :') i used to watch fashiuon shows, went to art school where most are poor students that are very creative and pretentious, i changed my style multiple times during each chapter in my life, i try to meet variety of people that affect me and inspire me. i usually have multiple ideas for a look per character but don't want to put a pin on it until it just clicks for me. there are few of those clicks i've missed in my MDZS redesigns but were close enough that i posted it anyway, as i was too excited to share them :') still may want to revisit it though! I'm so happy to know they did well though, it's something i've heard the most praise for from all of my art and i really wish i could follow up on it in more ways than just few more art of those looks. there's nothing that bothers me more than boring or not cohesive looks for a cast of otherwise interesting characters, MDZS donghua and CQL costume design were destroying me :') but it was enough to at least inspire me thank you for this task ♥♥

[rollercoasterwords]

hi rae! do you have any articles/resources on like. why tiktok sucks. because i had a conversation with a friend earlier today about this very subject and i want to show her some information (plus youre like the tumblr smart person so i thought you might have something)

tumblr smart person....love that for me lmao

i don't have a ton of like. articles that are specifically like "here is why tiktok is bad" bc most of my anti-tiktok critique is coming from the synthesis of various ideas about capitalism, art, surveillance, identity, media + control. like -- i don't think tiktok is the root of most of these issues, it's more that i think it's a petri dish for the rapid growth of the already-existing virus of capitalism. so this might feel a little disjointed but here is like. a web of various articles/essays/writing that has ideas which connect back to why i dislike tiktok

capitalist realism, by mark fisher - i think this text provides essential background on the ways in which capitalism has become so ingrained; if you don't wanna read the whole book then at least read ch 2, which talks a lot about the role of media + is particularly relevant when thinking about social media platforms like tiktok

social media is not self-expression, by rob horning - also start here for a perfect explanation of the ways in which social media encourages us to police our own identities as if we ourselves are consumer products

the anxiety of influencers, by barrett swanson - this is my rec that deals most specifically with tiktok and is just. such a great synthesis of the way the app is spreading the poison of a consumer economy such that the boundaries between consumer/product are broken down and we are all becoming consumers-as-products

personal style is dead and the algorithm killed it, by charlie squire - a really excellent essay that also gets into the way that consumerism + algorithms are like....eroding our sense of art + identity

cj the x's youtube channel - really fantastic video essays about art + media consumption in the modern age which make me reflect on the ways tiktok promotes engagement with art as a product rather than art. in particular i recommend 7 deadly art sins and the kronk effect

west elm caleb and the feminist panopticon, by rayne fisher-quann - another excellent essay that gets into the ways apps like tiktok can like....create this online surveillance state where we're all being encouraged to police each other

against character vapor, by brandon taylor - an essay that gets into how modern anxiety over embodiment + the sense that everything is now a performance thanks to social media influences our literature/art

keep it in the group chat: fanfiction and influencer culture, from into the fic of it - podcast episode where they discuss a lot of these issues with art + consumer culture specifically in the context of fanfic

objects of despair: mirrors, by meghan o'gieblyn - another article that touches on social media + identity formation

every "chronically online" conversation is the same, by rebecca jennings - discusses an issue that is not unique to tiktok but is exacerbated by tiktok

and if u wanna read some of my own more organized thoughts about tiktok, i have 2 essays on substack. one is you are what you eat: identity as consumption and what went wrong with jegulus, which ignoring all the jegulus stuff just contains like. a synthesis of how i think tiktok/algorithmic social media promotes a fucked-up method of identity-formation. and then i also have why does tiktok hate masculine lesbians? which is less about tiktok itself and more just an example of one issue that has festered on the site thanks to lack of critical thought + discussion -- both of which are literally impeded by the way tiktok is set up.

here is like. TikTok Thesis from my jegulus essay:

right now, in our current historical moment, almost all social media is being slowly (or not-so-slowly) swallowed by the vast and yawning chasm of the Algorithm. that’s because the Algorithm is good for capitalism. the Algorithm breaks down the boundaries between content and consumer, streamlining the system so that everyone is consuming each other all at once. we, the social media users, are consumers consuming the content of social media. at the same time, social media is consuming the content of our data. that data is then consumed by advertisers, who use it to sell us more content. we are thus increasingly stuck in a never-ending cycle of consumption, held captive by algorithms that soothe our anxieties by offering us tiny, consistent dopamine hits while working to break down our attention spans and our capacities for critical thought so that they can keep us trapped in echo chambers of endless consumptive entertainment.

and then there are of course all the rantings and ravings i post here on my blog lol!

anyway, a lot of what i've collected here is a little more philosophical and focused around identity + consumerism + art, but i'm sure there are also plenty of people out there making additional points about the way tiktok is horrible for privacy, how it's harvesting all our data, and how it's designed to be addictive + keep you scrolling + is in the process deteriorating your attention span. these are all issues that, again, are not unique to tiktok, but are grossly exacerbated by tiktok. especially bc the rapid growth of tiktok as a successful social media during the pandemic has made it like....this epicenter of pop culture such that

a) other social media apps are now trying to copy tiktok's model and become more like it

b) almost all commercial art is now influenced by tiktok to some extent. books, music, etc -- if u want people to invest in something, it needs to go viral on tiktok!

the consumerism of capitalism is the cancer and tiktok is the malignant tumor growing at an unprecedented + life-threatening rate <3

[i-consume-content]

THE AMAZING DIGITAL CIRCUS: PILOT

A Promising Premise with a Playful Plot

SPOILERS AHEAD

I’ll be upfront: I don’t like clowns. I’m not afraid of them, but something about them makes me… uncomfortable. Overly joyous, bright and flashy, and more effective at drawing in a crowd of those goblins we call “children” than a box of Capri-Sun. The Amazing Digital Circus (which will henceforth be referred to in this article as TADC) plays with the vibes I get from clowns perfectly, goblin children and all.

Quick plot synopsis! We find ourselves inside the titular Amazing Digital Circus, a virtual world in which a wacky cast of characters have been trapped for an unknown amount of time. The story follows Pomni, the newcomer, as she tries to escape the circus and get back to the real world without losing her mind. After meeting the other suckers trapped in this world (and then running away from one of them), Pomni finds an exit door free-standing in the middle of the tent. After running through a Backrooms-like facility, her efforts turn out to be all for naught, since the ringmaster Caine hasn’t even finished building the exit. Whoopsies! Yeah, a bunch of other stuff happens, but the B-plot isn’t really as interesting as Pomni’s journey.

I’m going to start the actual review part of this article with the art and animation. The love and care put into making the characters feel alive is not to be overlooked, and it’s clear that the team behind TADC took care in making sure the animation was the best it could be. The characters are expressive in the way they walk, run, and use their hands. Each design is unique and fun, with none of them being standout great and none lagging behind. My personal favorite design is Caine, who is as wonderfully ridiculous as the circus he runs. An honorable mention to Gangle, whose ribbon body leads to some genuinely funny goofs and gaffs in the show. I think the only character design I have problems with is Zooble, a mishmash of multicolored parts of many styles. It’s a neat idea in concept, and Gooseworx’s previous works prove abstract designs can be pulled off well, but Zooble is way too cluttered for my tastes.

Something I really enjoy about TADC is how well it pulls off sound. Music production and voice acting are my hobbies and sound work is my job, so it's always nice to see a show or movie pull off sound well. Goofy character movements are often accentuated by bouncy and cartoony sound effects, and the overall mixing and mastering of the episode is high-quality. At no point did it feel like any character was too loud or too quiet, too bland or too overeffected. I like the subtle changes in reverb as the camera switches to a new point of view, a thing that in hindsight seems obvious but many people may miss when making a show like this. I must also commend the voice actors and voice directors for their amazing work bringing these characters to life and giving them personality. As soon as I heard Caine in the promotional material, I realized it was a complete no-brainer to bring on Alex Rochon to use the Spamton voice from his Deltarune dubs. I also must point out Michael Kovach's work as Jax, being just obnoxious enough to make you want to hate him but not enough to stop you from absolutely loving him. The music is also fantastic, as one comes to expect from the talented hands of Gooseworx. It should come as no surprise that my favorite track from the pilot is Your New Home, and I seem to be far from the only one with that opinion.

Unfortunately, it's not all sunshine and rainbows with TADC. I do have one major gripe with the show, and that's the writing. The story is intriguing and entertaining, but a lot of dialogue near the beginning of the episode falls flat for me. It's a good script assisted by great VAs, but it really does feel like some of the dialogue is trying to cram in lots of information in a shorter time frame, to the point where some of it feels stilted and drags on. However, I suppose I can understand why this is the case. A pilot is a way for a show to tell the audience what it's doing, what it's about, and why you should watch. Thus, it's reasonable to put more information into a pilot than feels necessary, so that you don't need to take as long to get someone hooked.

All in all, TADC is a lovely show that I highly recommend checking out if you haven't already, and I wish the best of luck to GLITCH, Gooseworx, and the rest of the team in funding a full season of this show.

FINAL RATING:

A Breaking Point out of 10

- Rock

[desertsquiet]

Despite the fact that an unexpectedly funny and infamous internet presence had made him a very well-known figure even among the younger generations of music fans, I feel like David Crosby’s own contribution to the art has always been somewhat underrated. I can recall a few instances where people wondered what he was even doing on bands like CSN and the Byrds, as if his role was pretty much singing an harmony line and that was it. The reality is even if he did “just that” his importance in those groups would have still been invaluable, but he did so much more.

Almost two years ago, having grown up in a Neil Young household all my life but never having actively listened to anything CSN or CSNY related and being even less familiar with any of their mother bands, I embarked on a journey of discovery where I wanted to focus on each unique singer/songwriter at a time, both solo and in the context of a band. As it turns out, not surprisingly, I was already pretty familiar with many of the songs I found along the way: Teach Your Children, Ohio, Suite: Judy Blue Eyes, For What It’s Worth, Our House, Helpless, Chicago. However, I had never heard a single David Crosby-penned track before. And when I did, they were nothing like I would have expected them to be based on his public persona. While I strongly gravitated to Stephen Stills at first - and I still mantain that his early songwriting, singing, performing and arranging is second to none - and in many way Stephen’s songs are still the ones I enjoy listening to the most, I slowly realized that David’s songs were actually the ones that spoke to me the most, that felt more true to who I am. For someone who was so notoriously opinionated, his songs mostly reflected uncertainty and doubt.

They were always questions. “Why”, “What’s Happening?”, “What Are Their Names”, “Where Will I Be?”. Together with the incredible way their voices could blend, I think that’s the secret of what made the musical partnership of Crosby & Nash work so well: David’s music is always asking questions and Graham’s music is always providing answers. I sure know whose side I am on, but I can also appreciate the magic that the melding of such opposite but complementary outlooks like that can bring.

They were also uniquely freeform and trippy, psychedelic and truly experimental. David Crosby was the biggest reason the Byrds were among the first bands (perhaps the very first) to dabble in “psychedelic rock” and the albums where his creative presence is felt the most, Fifth Dimension and Younger Than Yesterday, are nothing short of incredible milestones. His songs on those albums are undoubtedly some of my favorite stuff he ever did, especially the achingly beautiful Everybody’s Been Burned.

They took you on a journey that was both unsettling and relaxing at the same time, that made you question everything beginning with reality itself around you, and there was just nothing like it. Especially not in 1966-67. Later, when his music changed setting, he still maintained that original style that didn’t even seem to care about expressing his ideas in the form of a song, it felt more like a free flowing stream of melody and sound and thoughts that couldn’t and shouldn’t be confined to any kind of shape.

He was entirely his own thing for his entire career and his music made me feel like maybe it was okay to always feel confused by the world around me and like maybe it was okay there really weren’t easy solutions or answers to be found, but it was important to constantly question ourselves and the outside world to try and make sense of it all in our own specific way. I got to know myself a little better by listening to his songs and they made me feel understood and validated like very few artists have managed to do with their music. I can only be forever grateful to him for that and I will miss him terribly.

[lilac-set]

o/ Hi! For the system ask game:

(feel free to pick just a couple to answer, i know we sent a lot!)

🧡 (How does your system handle memories? Does everyone share, or is it split across members?)

⭐ (Do you have a headspace / inner world? What does it look like?)

🍀 (Do any system members practice a religion or belief system? What about spirituality?)

🧵 (How does your system handle the body's / vessel's appearance? Does everyone dress the same, or is there a broad range of styles?)

🤎 (Do system members typically agree on things or is there a broad range of opinions?)

🌼 (Do any members have accents or typing quirks? Are accents/quirks common in your system, or more rare?)

🤍 (Say something positive about another system member (or all of them, if you'd like!))

:o this makes me so happy!! Thank for you the ask!! We’re all cofronting rn which is perfect, although the little has the largest minority i think (dont be surprised if little mannerisms come through significantly) edit: as soon as we starting answering 🔥 came forward instead

🧡 we dont share memory storage, but if we’re cocon we can actively go dig through each others memories, and we’re basically always cocon, so that isnt much of an issue. That being said, some things fall through the cracks if it didnt seem important enough (or we forgot) to actively communicate it and the other one didnt know there was anything to go actively looking for. That doesnt interfere with anything as long as anyone who might have expectations for us is respectful of our plurality

⭐️ kinda? Do you know rose’s room in steven universe? It works kinda like that, we can will things into existence, but unless we’ve done that we dont really have a headspace. For example if we all want to sit at a couch together we can do that, and its always the same couch, its consistent, but we dont constantly keep it loaded in our “RAM” so to speak (computer metaphor)

🍀 religion no, spirituality yes, we’re (all four of us) nontheistic animists who place a significant importance on nature, for now the best term we have is druidry, but there are some aspects of druidry we dont resonate with, for example we dont like rituals (for ourselves), and we aren’t sure about the awen (again, for ourselves), but maybe its just because we’ve mostly seen it described from a more pantheistic perspective, but plenty of druids are nontheists, we’ve just never heard their perspective on it. Learning about the concept of the awen has certainly been inspiring to us to learn about and engage with bardic arts more, not that we’ve actually done it, but we’ve felt inspired to, and i know thats just what theism is for a lot of druids, choosing to believe in something not because you necessarily believe it as objective fact but because entertaining the belief has a positive impact on your life, which i respect. That brings me to my next qualm with it as well, ive heard multiple druids say that one cant call themselves a druid because they simply feel like one, but that active engagement with druidry is essential. Of course we make decisions in accordance with our values at every opportunity, but theres a limited amount we can do in terms or actual activism and engagement with nature according to our/druidic values given our living situation, lack of income, disabilities, etc. So, given that, im not sure we can technically call ourselves druids, but also druidry is a nondogmatic religion/spirituality, there are no hard and fast rules, these are just the opinions of a handful of individuals who happened to express them online, i dont know. Also it obviously feels ableist to us, but like i get it, it doesnt make much sense to call oneself an activist if one isnt engaging in activism, even if you believe in their beliefs. But druidry and activism aren’t synonymous. Yes both are lifestyles but one leans spiritual and the other leans… ya know, active. The last thing stopping me from identifying as a druid wholeheartedly is that druidry has strong connections with celtic culture, which is fine, i dont mind borrowing from and appreciating other cultures (this isnt a closed thing) (cultural anthropology is also a special interest of ours, these are related special interests), but to an extent it feels like an act of patriotism for a country i have no connection to. It would feel more connected to me if i could find a similar set of beliefs associated with a region that either i or my ancestors have ever lived in, but im not sure if that exists. Sorry this was longwinded, and i know i left a lot terms undefined that anyone unfamiliar with druidry is likely unfamiliar with, i just didnt wanna make this even longer and didnt wanna overexplain if no one is really interested (and i also dont wanna make any horrible mistakes when maybe you should be asking a “real” druid about this instead), but this is kinda a special interest of ours, feel free to ask more questions about it! We love to talk about it. Edit: ah shit, i just realized i basically just contrasted our spirituality to druidry but i didnt really tell you much about our actual spirituality itself, feel free to ask about that as well

🧵 so, we all identify with the body itself, but we dont necessarily agree on how we would present it. In headspace everyone dresses distinctly differently, we have different hairstyles and bodymods etc, but in the body everyone would look pretty much the same, not because we want to but because we still live with our parents, and they have weird arbitrary rules about how we’re allowed to dress. Not about modesty or anything but just whatever their preconceived idea of what our style would be before we were born, that now they enforce on us. We’ve actually grappled a lot though with the fact that once we move out and we would have more freedom, rather than everyone just looking like ourselves internally and the body looking like the body, the body will probably look like a particular one of us at any given moment, depending on who dressed it, and then if we switch, that person has to deal with the dysphoria of looking like their brother, and the first one has to deal with the dysphoria of their brother looking like them, and i know both of those would be really hard for us. Within our parents constraints right now obviously we like to wear our preferred colors or whatever, and we’re good at, like, “oh, he would like to wear this, and i know he’ll switch in later, so i’ll go ahead and put it on, because i know it’ll make him happy” (it does), or like cofronting/cocon compromising “ok ill put this on because i know you like it but ill get to choose the pants” or whatever, so maybe the style on the body in an ideal situation would end up being more of an amalgamation of all of ours, because i know we wouldnt struggle with that, but god do we each long for the euphoria of making the body actually look like ourselves individually. Aaaaas long as we dont switch

🤎 ah nice another shorter one (we like the long ones but god this post’ll be huge) yeah we pretty much agree on everything. 🪨 and i (🔥) experience attraction differently, he’s quioplatonic and hyperromantic and im alloplatonic (presumably?) and bellus-lithromantic, so thats been somewhat of a point of conflict that we cant agree on what type of relationship we want and are comfortable with with collective significant others, but other than that we’re pretty much on the same page about everything in general. I mean, (not to put down systems that cant relate, just talking about it for ourselves), imagine you had a conversation partner who you knew the exact line of reasoning of, you could feel their emotions directly, miscommunication was literally impossible, you share any relevant past experiences, etc. Sometimes it takes some talking but theres really no reason we wouldnt eventually come to a consensus. (Taking an excuse to talk about another special interest) The four of us are different myers briggs types, which means we value different types of information regarding what we pay the most attention to and what we prefer to make decisions based on, so thats something you would notice but isnt any sort of source of conflict. We have one of every xNFx type. Feel free to ask us more myers briggs questions, we could infodump about this forever. This question didnt actually end up being all that short lol. Edit: i realized there multiple uses of the word “opinion”, i took it here more like “belief”, “stance”, etc, but if youre talking about more like “preferences”, yeah we have plenty of different preferences, but im not gonna make this longer

🌼 the little uses babytalk, idk if that counts. No typing quirks or variation is regional accents, but our voices are distinctly recognizable, apparently.

🤍 ah fuck hmm let me think. Theyre so complex and wonderful and i dont want to reduce them to a single compliment, or create pda for them to continue being whatever i would say. I think ill pass on this one, they all know i love them <3

[bodyalive]

Today was Gil Hedley's 5 hour "nerve tour"  - which really was a tour de force of science, philosophy, theology, art and comedy.

Both educational and inspirational, his talk and energy brought me to tears several times as it became almost a renewing-of-vows kind of experience i.e. why do I do what I do and why is it important and why do I love it?

I fell in love with anatomy way back in the 1970s through experiences having to do with movement, performance, inner practicesand Mabel Todd's "The Thinking Body." As Gil Hedley puts it, "we live beyond our skin" and the energy of life isn't the "stuff."

But "the stuff" is important and shows itself again and again in the replication of patterns both inside the body and inside nature.

We are surrounded by the evidence of creation "whole continuous and united" which shows up in looking at the footprints of life.

"Integral Anatomy" allows and encourages us to feel the connections inside of oneself.  Using the two attention styles of both brain hemispheres, we experience our own internal anatomy and create a resonance that connects us not just to ourselves and to others but to all of nature.  We are always entraining the space around us.

"Hold your good practices dearly, and the stories you tell about them very lightly."

As we journey with the lecturer, into his journey through the dissection of the nervous system, it is more of a presentation of a thought process, of a mandala, of a meditation on life and form and expression. As we share the energy of this deeply spiritual and respectful look literally inside a human being, we are following in our own neural pathways and tissues. 

Both educational and inspirational. 

"Let these gentle living waters carry you away ~ wait for nothing already flowing within you

now."

If You Wait If you wait for the pain to be gone to feel your pleasure, you will miss heaven on earth. If you wait to be understood to live the life you've come to live, you will die before you do. If you wait for another to love before you will, you hold your own heart closed. Pleasure, life and Loving freely overlap, braid and meander 'round the bends, dissolve censure, and splay open narrow paths, filling empty places quenching all. Let these gentle living waters carry you away ~ wait for nothing already flowing within you now.

[Gil Hedley]

[carpisuns]

hello! i saw your tags on that ''if you would be so kind as to reblog this if you feel insecure about your writing skills'' post, and i just wanted to say that i love your writing SO much!!! like.. all of your fics that ive read are so good!!!!!!!! whether youre aiming for a more silly, goofy vibe or heart-shattering angst you do it so well and im amazed at your talent!

''tell me something i dont know'' is one of my all time favourite fics and i remember how much i enjoyed reading it (and crying my eyes out at 2 am adjahsf), and ''where roses bloom'' absolutely broke my heart in the best way possible!! And i loved your collab fic with botherkupo, ''two idiots and a hamster'' SO much, i seriously had to try very hard not to laugh ahdjskdhf. OH and im not in the toh fandom, but i did read ''The Death-Defying Flirting Methods of Captain Willow Park'' and i really really enjoyed it!! like i said, you write both angst, humor and romance so well and your writing is such a beautiful mix of everything!

Youre one of my fav writers on here, and i think that no matter what your goals are for writing, they definetely leave a big impact on your readers- your fics have made me laugh, cry and quite frankly im obsessed with them! I know insecurities dont simply Vanish from one ask lol, but i hope you know how much you and your fics (AND your art and just. in general youre such a nice person) mean to me, and all your other readers! <3333333

I kept this in my inbox for a bit bc it’s just so kind and I didn’t know how to respond 🥺 and then I started answering but didn’t finished and saved it in my drafts and forgot SHSJSK anyway. Thank you so so much!!!!

i reblogged that post kind of in solidarity with other writers cause i know insecurity is something everyone deals with. it’s weird because I feel like at all times I’m simultaneously confident and insecure about my writing lol. I have enough experience/training that I know I can like put together sentences and paragraphs lol but I still fret over pacing and style and characterization and stuff like that a lot. the insecurities make me feel kind of silly bc I feel like at this point i should be over them!!! but I can’t help worrying about how my work will be received by the audience. i am always at least a little nervous to post something new, and sometimes I am very nervous! Cause I just don’t know if it’s gonna land the way I intended.

And the most frustrating part for me is when I read something REALLY good and sometimes feel like pouty and jealous I guess lol going “ugh I could never write like that! I should just give up!” I feel like such a baby!! but I get over it quickly and I’m sure I’m not the only one who falls victim to Pouty Little Binch syndrome. (I mean I hope I’m not the only one or that would be extra pitiful 😂)

Anyway it helps me to remind myself that it’s a good thing that I don’t write the same way my fav writers write! we all have our own ways of thinking and expressing ourselves, and even when we take inspiration from someone else, the Us-ness of our work is always gonna come through. If that makes sense. like if my fav writer is So-and-So, it’s really awesome and cool to enjoy the So-and-So-ness of their work and break down why I enjoy it so much and even incorporate some So-and-So-type flavors in my own writing, but at the end of the day my writing will always be full of carpisuns-ness and that’s cool too! I just think as creators we are so close to our own work and we’re so in the weeds about it that we don’t get a clear view of it like a reader does when they’re coming to it fresh, and that makes us sometimes judge it unkindly. More often than not, your work is better than you think it is. Sometimes when a creator I admire feels down about their work I just wish I could let them borrow my eyes and see it how I see it, because it’s really amazing and makes me feel so much!!

Anyway, I probably got off topic lol but I just wanted to shout out to all the writers who are feeling down about their work. You are doing amazing sweetie!! Better than you think. Dont stop writing.

this is seriously such a kind message and it means so much to me that you would take the time out of your day to write this! 🥺💜 people like you who go out of their way to make others feel good are such a treasure. Im glad you enjoyed those fics!! And that u even read one of my toh fics when you’re not in the fandom? aaaa I’m honored! Blowing u kisses

[glamourzombie]

July was a very Death-esque (as in, tarot Death) month for me. I lost one of my pets, I got assigned to a new highschool (a yearly occurence for most of us working in the public school system), some of my hubs’ projects didn’t come to fruition, others did. There wasn’t as much me-time as I anticipated, tbh! But today, I’m going to showcase one of the tools that did make an appearance during the highs and the lows of the month: the Dirt Gems Oracle, a botanical deck by Anne Louise Burdett & Chelsea Granger. These friends were inspired by their love for the earth and all the medicine and healing that it holds, and it is a stunning set of cards and guidebook.

I know the deck already looks awesome by the pictures, and the first time I read about it, it really caught my attention. But there’s no way of expressing how much power and beauty it has when you see it in person and work with it. It has such a strong energy, vibrant but steady. It has its own structure, created by combining the elements, weather systems, alchemy, and energetic signatures of the plant allies. The 65 cards are in fact divided into suits: ablaze (15 cards), afloat (14), adrift (17) and amidst (19). The division is clever and based on the different charactersitics of each of the plants involved, and each suit is associated with an element and a colour palette (most clearly seen in adrift with its b&w).

And it is incredibly fun. It doesn’t mean it can’t get deep (it does!), but honestly working with it is just so enjoyable even if it can look dark and kinda moody. The art style is very unique, with a dreamy feel, and the use of colours (including the restricted palettes) feels magical. It does show the care, experiences and knowledge that went into it. The illustrations make use of the black background to give them space and a lightness that works amazingly well when using these cards with other decks. Most of the elements presented are plants and animals, but there are also other natural elements, charachters, and human-made objects. The cards have a buttery matte finish (they are able to slide, unlike with the rose-petal finish), they are gilded (in either gold or copper) and they come inside a fully illustrated two-piece sturdy box.

The companion guide is juicy, at 165 pages. It has a small intro which includes plant magick, the suits exploration with intro to and associations for each, a how to, example spreads, and a few words on tradition, arriving at page 25 to the cards’ information: a b&w image, the plant name (including its scientific name), an assigned title (eg. The Transmutter for Gumweed), and the message and meaning of each card itself. The illustrations can offer enough of an intuitive hit to work with them alone based on the symbology that goes with the plants and the way in which they are presented and coloured (especially if you’re versed in plant lore), but in my case I find this to be a deck whose guide I find necessary and enriching.

The Dirt Gems Oracle is a deck that links the very tangible reality of plants to their ethereal aspects, as well as guiding us along this bridge to (re)connect with the earth, and hence, with ourselves. Though the four elements are present, I feel it’s mostly a grounding and reassuring deck with lots to teach. It is fun, eye-catching and well-designed, and it vibrates to an energy that should be very basic and present for and in us, but that the modern world can tamper with frequently. Anne Louise Burdett & Chelsea Granger have done an amazing job with this deck, so if you want to know and see more, head over the Dirt Gems site!

[joemuggs]

ESCAPE THE CRINGE

I first wrote this piece for an art mag at the start of the year but they dicked me about over rewrites so much - and I mean really dicking about, like radio silence for three weeks then suddenly demanding changes for the next day - that for the first time in my life I actually pulled a piece. A couple of other outlets were up for it, but needed further alteration to fit house style... With so much going on I let it slide and let it slide, and now it's been so long I just feel like shoving it out there. It still feels relevant (maybe more so now that we're seeing an increasing public collapse of some of the most high profile demagogue scammers, albeit with new hydra heads quickly replacing them), and I'd rather have people see it and maybe feed back, rather than wrangle over it any further. So without further preamble, here's some thoughts about one of the defining reactions of our time and how to get away from it.

👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻

We live in a time when groupthink and echo chambers are everywhere, where ingroup radicalisation, cult-like behaviours and submission to scammers and demagogues seem to be defining patterns of the era. Blame for these things is often laid at the feet of algorithms, of politicians, of capital - in many cases rightly so - but we all individually play the game too. We build the walls of our own cultural gated communities, with tweets and artworks and individual choices about where to go and what to say, and the more we do so the more those spaces that we force ourselves – and others – into become more or less gilded prisons. We all think we’re hip to something, and end up orbiting that something endlessly.

The first rule of hip club is you don’t talk about hip club. That is: if you’re serious about your aesthetic nowadays, you do your very best to not acknowledge that it even is an aesthetic – let alone identify its rules and delineations. Now, of course this doesn’t go for everyone: there are still anime cosplayers, emo kids and others who still gauchely adhere to the overt “style tribe” late 20th century ways of belonging. But these are exceptions that prove the rule. Far more often the things that make us “us”, that hold us together, are still based on taste - but these tastes that provide us with a sense of belonging are signalled covertly. They’re signalled not by discussing, or even necessarily knowing, what preferences make you belong among Your People, but rigidly enforcing the ingroup-outgroup divide with reactions against The Others’ tastes: through a set of real or figurative winces, grimaces and cringes. 

Oh yes, the cringe. That most visceral response, often deployed simply as a single word sentence by the Terminally Online, the argument ender to end all argument enders: just “cringe”. It’s noun, verb and adjective all rolled together into a gut level rejection, and it’s a dead giveaway that so, so many parts of The Discourse - as people solipsistically have it - is based way more on aesthetics than it is on any kind of coherent set of positions. That is, it’s less about showing revulsion at ideas, than about the fact that they’re expressed gauchely or clumsily or simply with the wrong slang. It’s a social cue, a nod to one’s fellows, to acknowledge shared good taste in memes, phrases and cadences, which one’s interlocutor has unforgivably failed to engage properly with. 

This kind of of us-and-them cringe-signalling operates in various ways across society, but perhaps the most fundamental dichotomy is basic vs hip, or normie vs hip. This in itself is framed in a variety of ways, but a super simplified version might run like this: influencer culture, sincere slogans, Will Ferrell and The Office memes, Goop wellness, "Fiat 500 Twitter" on one side - and shitposting, pursuit of the latest zero-caps punctuational microvariant, everything intellectualised but ironised, the moods formerly known as “based” and "dank" on the other. The former sees the latter as smug, pretentious, nonsensical, messy while in the other direction the hip cast the basics as conservative, simplistic, unimaginative, conformist. Each cringes at the other, each considers the other fundamentally in bad taste.

And these dichotomies are held in place firmly by the material interests of vested powers. So to keep with our sample duality, on the basic side, there are the affirmatory or aspirational solution-havers, the Matt Haigs and Johann Haris, Rupi Kaurs and Molly Maes, while on the hip side there’s the Somethingawful-to-Vice-to-Broadsheet ironymonger pipeline and the Politics Podcast Industrial Complex embodied in people called things like “PissPigGrandad”. Each relies on hate and fear of the other to provide a steady stream of attention and income to those who shore up their own self-image, who normalise an way of being, who provide just enough answers to make people feel like they’re on the right track, but not so many that they won’t keep coming back for more. Yet each is, of course, built on a lie. 

The basic think they are commonsensical and unpretentious, but actually adhere to byzantine aesthetic and political codes of belonging. The hip think they are switched on, fast moving and progressive but in fact their gatekeeping is deeply conservative: the solipsism of believing an echo chamber is “The Discourse”, no matter how ironically you try to couch that, is all about normalising enormously limited race, age, nationality and class boundaries around what is acceptable. Both are co-dependent false divisions of ideas and people made to shore up power structures and the interests of the privileged, and both are built on aesthetics above all else. Each is, in its own way, an insistence of good taste.

Once you see this, you see it everywhere. There are so many versions of this mutually exclusionary duality. Sometimes they’ll manifest as ostensible generational, regional or professional divides, sometimes as scene or faction schisms (and note well, political factions have more in common with musical, fashion or social scenes than anyone within them would ever care to admit). Each time, if you look, you’ll find that they are defined more by aesthetics than ethics: by those assemblages of catchphrases, by certain quirks of timing and emphasis. Whether it’s Dawkins and Harris quoting facts-and-reason guys defining themselves against what they think of as a feminised, emotion-driven mushiness in the barbaric masses, or underground music fans against the flash and spectacle of EDM, or vintage specs wearing postgrad ketamine-leftist cliques against “shitlib centrists”, or crypto-bros against anyone who doesn’t have a wallet, all too often the sense of self is generated by what one is NOT. 

And each time if you dig into what is happening in these oppositions, you’ll find someone benefitting in real, material terms: spokespeople, figureheads, demagogues, people whose theories or slogans are rallying points for believers and who rely on those believers for speaking engagements, podcast and newsletter subscriptions, NFT sales, academic tenure, political appointments, newspaper columns. There is a whole egosystem of commentariat and metacommentariat whose job appears to make bogeymen of one another, yet who one all too often finds in the upper echelons are on perfectly friendly terms when they run into one another in green rooms of media recordings, backstage at literary festivals or in the offices of the agents that they share. This last location not picked idly, n.b.: one of the UK’s loudest hip-left commentators of the past decade shares a literary agent with a leading hip-right provocateur and an old-school hard-right rabble rouser: they are very literally all in it together.

All of this, it really bears repeating, is built on lies, and further, is built on consciously or unconsciously deliberate obscuring of the truth, in order to support these power structures. If ever you see an argument that’s built around one of these abstracted dualities - pop vs underground, modernist vs traditional, respectable vs transgressive, health vs pleasure, decadence vs morality, rationalism vs “the blob”, take your pick - you can be sure that not only is there someone making cultural or actual capital out of it, but that they are muddying waters to make it more difficult to make out the connections, genealogies and human realities underlying what is being discussed. An appeal to take a side in one of these, ultimately aesthetic, judgements – an appeal to show good taste – is an appeal to feel the cringe instead of analysing what one is cringing at. It’s an appeal against scholarship.

Which is why we must, with extreme prejudice, abolish the concept of good taste. “In principle,” said the DJ and dance music producer Chrissy in 2020, “I think the idea of good taste is classist and racist! Usually whatever's considered good taste is what the most powerful or most educated or wealthiest people feel comfortable yelling about, and the ones out of them that can yell loudest and most eloquently about it, as a society we call that good taste.” And he is entirely right. No matter how you define “good taste”, you are defining it as a power relation, an exclusionary tool, a way to deride. 

Which is not to say that taste and discernment don’t and shouldn’t exist – but they exist in the sense that scholarship exists. Not ivory tower, status-accrued-by-citations scholarship, but scholarship as in demonstration of knowledge accumulated and the practice of accumulating it. The kind of scholarship that’s as likely – or perhaps more likely – to be exhibited by autodidacts as celebrity professors. You can’t judge scholarship according to winces, grimaces and cringes, you have to take it on according to what it is actually saying about its subjects and objects: and so with taste. Someone’s taste should impress precisely to the degree that they demonstrate that they know and care about the objects of their affection, not for its adherence to a social code imposed by vested interests. 

Maybe there are reasons to hope. The early years of this century were formed by information glut, by seemingly all of cultural history being available all at once. Many thought this would lead to cultural paralysis, a dissipation into undifferentiated “conent”, and a death of innovation – and certainly it can be seen to have driven a retreat into reactive and reactionary positions. When bold statement of preference and belonging is made difficult by the baffling array of choice, covertly coded taste bubbles are an inevitable outcome. But two things abode. 

Firstly, those genuine old-school style tribes, from cosplayers to grime lovers, who grew up together over years, put in the time together, and truly and positively identified with what they do, and the real spatio-temporal existence of what they do, in defiance of the grimaces of others. Second, the rise in value of curation. It’s a word often derided because of its ubiquity in marketing speech, and mocked because “everyone’s a curator” (or “everyone’s a DJ”) nowadays. But curation at its best is precisely the kind of pride in scholarship and individual ability to map connections across the information ocean, that can short circuit the demands of good taste. 

It’s available to all, it can be expressed easily – as punks did with paper fanzines and grime lovers with phone-shot video – and it is by its nature collaborative, sharing, and dependent on positive choices. There ARE glimmers of hope that Generation Z are more able to think in a curatorial way than their predecessors, to cut and paste the always-on data glut of past culture into something more actively expressed than reactively defined – something that can engender a sense of belonging without the need for those gut level micro-rejections of The Other to define itself. And if that is the case, then maybe, just maybe, they can demonstrate new ways to escape the cringe.

[piscesseer]

Venus in Leo | June 5, 2023 ❤️‍🔥

As Venus transits through Leo, our heart and ego will be on full display. On June 5, 2023 Venus entered the dramatic sign on Leo! This transit will last through October 8, 2023, so there is plenty of time to turn heads.

Venus, the planet of beauty and love will meet the fiery, passionate sign of Leo. This transit offers the opportunity to delve deeper into our creative selves, express our true desires and feelings, and to bask in the warmth of love and romance.

This transit brings a major confidence boost, spicing up your sex appeal and craving for romance. It could be a great time to revisit your values and needs when it comes to love. Love can be magnificent and grand during this transit.

Venus in Leo is about loving loudly and on purpose. Venus in Leo gives us the confidence to love openly and freely. This transit encourages grand displays of love and affection with dramatic gestures. People may feel more confident and generous while expressing their feelings. We feel encouraged to speak with our hearts. If you really mean it, say it! There’s no such thing as too much during this transit. It’s a time for grand gestures of love and generosity.

Venus in Leo can inspire you to spice things up if you’re in a relationship. This transit gives you a look at what your future could be like with your partner.

Venus also loves social interaction. It’s a great time to network, make friends and improve on existing relationships.

We need attention, acknowledgement, validation and admiration while Venus is in Leo. We have a desire to stand out, be remarkable, and feel special during this period. Leo will empower us to prioritize our passions and indulge in well deserved self-love. 

We might feel more inclined to experiment with our style. Fashion may be more vibrant and flamboyant.

It can be a profitable time for contests, lotteries, parties, costumes, art dealings, and all things that have a golden glow. Generosity and warmth contribute to the ability to bring in the right resources.

You could be inspired to pick up where you left off with old projects. Leo might also bring out your inner artist. This transit will encourage you to put light-hearted fun and beloved hobbies at the top of your list! This creative spark can help us to express ourselves in new and exciting ways.

With the good always comes the bad. Balancing is important in every transit. The darker side of Venus in Leo might make us stubborn and prideful. A strong Leo influence can trigger issues of ego and self-centeredness. Be wary of prioritizing attention and validation to the point of conflict and drama. It could cause friction in your relationships if you don’t keep your cool.

Venus is associated with luxury and indulgence, which might tempt us to overspend. It could become hard to focus on your responsibilities during this transit of indulgence and pleasure. Just be sure to maintain balance and discipline!

Upcoming Venus Retrograde

Venus normally only spends a few weeks in each sign, so this four months is unusual for the planet of love. There is an upcoming Retrograde on July 22, 2023 that will make this transit last. Look forward to this time to help us identify a pattern or habit around love, intimacy, pleasure or beauty that we are ready to reclaim or heal.

While this transit will get the romantic and creative juices flowing, it could bring tension as you could revisit burned bridges during the Retrograde period.

Venus Retrograde invites us to look inward on how our relationships mirror the past parts of how we’ve felt love or unloved, nurtured or neglected. Some of this work can be difficult, but it offers the needed remedy to help your heart regenerate after past hurt.

For some, this transit will be a time of creative exploration and breakthrough. It can give us a chance to find a creative solution to problems as we look at things from a different perspective. Retrogrades always invite us to reflect and weed out any energy that has been holding us back.

Look forward to more information on how to navigate this retrograde around July 22!

June 5, 2023: Venus begins it’s transit in Leo July 22, 2023: Venus in Leo stations Retrograde September 3, 2023: Venus in Leo stations direct October 8, 2023: Venus leaves Leo and moves into Virgo

Rituals and Spells for Venus in Leo

Love Spells

Example: Attract a passionate and confident love connection. Write down your intentions or the qualities you desire in a partner on a piece of paper. Burn it with the flame of a red or gold candle. Visualize yourself with the kind of love connection you seek.

Self-Love Spells

Example: Create a sacred space with soft light and comforting smells. Sit or stand in front of a mirror and gaze into your own eyes. Speak words of affirmation and appreciation to yourself, acknowledging your unique beauty, talents and strengths. Anoint yourself with self-love oil, lotion or spray, symbolizing your commitment to nurturing your self-esteem and embracing your authentic self.

Creative Empowerment Rituals

Example: Set up an altar for your creative pursuits, such as using paint brushes or musical instruments. Light vibrant candles with colors of red and gold. Envision your creative goals and aspirations, calling upon the energy of Leo to fuel these passions.

Glamor Rituals

Example: Prepare a bath with ingredients like rose petals, essential oils, and bath salts. As you soak in the water, imagine a radiant aura surrounding you, enhancing your natural beauty and confidence. Envision yourself embodying the magnetic energy of Venus in Leo.

Example: Use colors such red and pink in your makeup routine or clothing to represent the beauty and confidence this transit evokes.

Sun Rituals

Example: Go outside during the day and find a sunny spot. Stand or sit with your face and palms turned toward the sun. Close your eyes, feel the warmth on your skin, and visualize the sun infusing you with confidence, vitality and love. Offer gratitude to the sun for its life-giving energy! 

Journal prompts for Venus in Leo

How can I express my love more confidently?

What are ways I can boost my self-confidence and embrace my unique talents and qualities?

What activities or hobbies make me feel vibrant, alive and connected to my desires?

How can I be more generous and warm in my relationships?

What role does admiration and validation play in my self-worth and how can I cultivate a healthy sense of self-esteem?