#do we talk about how i literally just don’t know how to be a person. still. after almost 27 years

[izzylegrand]

The Night Before

Five Hargreeves x(?) Reader . Part 1/?

Warnings: second person, adopted siblings, reader is an umbrella academy member, unreciprocated love(by reader)

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There he was. Five. Back like he’d never left at all.

We all were crowded around him, watching him casually mousy around the kitchen to make a sandwich as if it was any other day. As if he hadn’t just fallen from the sky like an omen after six years of being missing.

The other students were talking to him but I didn’t hear a word. I was just staring. He’d been missing from our lives for six years after being woven so well he was involved of every aspect of it. He wasn’t here for Ben’s death, he wasn’t hear for all the fighting after Vik’s book, he was just…gone.

That night, the night before…before he ran away, he talked to me.

Me and Five were always a bit closer than I was with the other siblings. He was an ass, sure, but I knew he had my back. I could trust him.

That night I was laying in bed when the door creaked open. The lamp turned on and I saw Five. I sat up against the headboard and he came to sit on the foot of my bed, both of us facing each other with our legs crossed, a common routine.

“What’s up?” I whispered

“Dad’s pissing me off again. He’s such an ass. He thinks he knows everything, but he doesn’t.”

I laughed and leaned back against the headboard

“This is about time travel again, isn’t it?”

“It’s my power, not his, so how the hell would he have any say in when I should use it?? It’s not like he can do it. Why’s he so sure I can’t?”

“I think he doesn’t understand it so he wants you to stay away. It’s him protecting you…probably.” I shrugged

Honestly, we’d had that conversation too many times. I sat there wishing he would just get over it. The irony of that is, I would spend the next six years wishing to have any conversation with him again.

I expected him to keep complaining but he didn’t. He grabbed my hand and rubbed his thumb against the back of it, his eyes looking tenderly in mine.

“I want to time travel, Eight. I’m going to. I want you to come with me. We can go somewhere—sometime where dad won’t be able to control us! We can be together, without everyone else.”

I just stared completely frozen. I couldn’t see my face but I could only attribute it to a deer in the headlights look. There was a thick silence for a moment and it felt like my heart was higher in my chest, like everything was about to change.

He leaned in slowly and pressed his lips to mine. I wouldn’t call it a kiss. He probably didn’t know what kissing was and just took it as how he’d read it in some book. It was the most literal definition, simply pressing his lips to mine.

“Come with me.” He whispered

“I-I”

He pulled away and started to look angry. He was never angry at me but he was then. He was angry I didn’t agree immediately. He was angry I didn’t feel the same. I wanted to feel the same, but I didn’t.

“Five…we’re siblings…”

“No we’re not! You know we’re not! Don’t say crap like that!” He whispered angrily

“We might as well be. We have the same parents, grew up together, everyone calls us siblings—“

“But we’re not!” He interjected “I don’t love you like that!”

I looked at him solemnly.

There was a thick silence for a moment and it felt like my heart was higher in my chest, like everything was about to change.

“…Five, I don’t love you like that…” I whispered, my voice wavering with the threat of tears

After that, he stormed out. That was the last thing I said to him. The next morning he wouldn’t talk to me. At breakfast, he stabbed a knife in the table and declared that he wanted to time travel. Everyone just sat and silently stared while he ran off, never to be seen again.

Until today. Until now. Now, where I sat and silently stared while he gave uninterested responses to good questions. Then he looked at me. He was older now but his eyes looked the same as that night. With one stare he answered the question that had been panging in my head since he left: Was it my fault?

“Eight, I want to talk to you privately.”

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A/N: Hi!!! I haven’t written a story in years so sorry for however it turned out :’) I was going to just make this a one parter but then I realized how long the flashback was so…sorry.

[sadstrever]

i’m still 114lbs. i feel sick. yesterday was an awful day, i came home and had an out of body chew and spit session. i wish there was more research on this part of ed’s, or just more people who talked about it because i can’t be alone in this. i refuse to believe i’m the only sick person who does disgusting shit like this. anyways the reason why i call it an out of body experience is because it’s almost like binging-just without all the swallowing of food. i came home and immediately started doing it and filled up 1 and 1/2 2 liter bottles with food. i spent 5 hours doing this without even realizing and pretty much emptied out my whole families fridge. the guilt i felt afterwards was worse than a binge in my opinion. not only did i totally waste SO MUCH food, make a huge mess, ended up with disgusting bottles of mush in my room, i also have to face the consequences of my family coming home to an empty fridge. but when they got home they were happy that i “ate.” god i’m such a fucking piece of shit.

anyways after all that i took 4 laxatives to try and get the guilt of wasting the food out of me. i woke up in the morning today in terrible pain but still had to go to class, cuz what am i supposed to tell my parents? “yeah i haven’t eaten in almost a month and basically just threw all the food we have out in the trash and i also took 4 laxatives, can i please stay home tehe?” so i went to 1 class and ended up leaving because the pain was so excruciating. straight from class i went to the gym and somehow burnt 900 calories because i guess that’s what guilt does to me. i had to take the bus 2 hours home afterwards(bus delays and i went to a new further gym location this time), high out of my mind. i’m home now and my stomach hurts but the laxatives finally did their job. i don’t want to keep doing this. 4 years ago i said i’d recover and then i didn’t. since then i’ve forgotten about recovery (with the exception of a few random moments here and there that i block out immediately), i am so used to living in this fucking misery that i didn’t realize how abnormal my reality is. i don’t want to be a bad person anymore. but i can’t stop lol.

this is what bothers me about the girls who romanticize this disorder SO MUCH, when much of the time they haven’t realized how difficult it can become. i know i’ve done this, even now sometimes as a coping mechanism. but man, i’m sick of it.

i have a friend who writes poetry and she wrote a poem about eating disorders that make me so fucking angry. the thing is, i’ve known her for years and she’s always had the best relationship with food out of most of the people i know. she’s naturally pretty thin(not too thin but normal) and she’s very open about her struggles. i know every single one of her stories, i know she’s diagnosed with adhd. that’s HER disorder, that i don’t understand so i DONT write fucking POETRY about it. a few months ago she kind of forced me into opening up about my eating disorder. after i did, suddenly she started writing these stories about her eating disorder-very very very suspiciously similar to mine. i obviously didn’t tell her everything but i told her about how long this has been going on and just my emotions about it. seeing her start to adapt my fucking disorder into her poetry disgusted me. she glamorized the fuck out of it and made me feel so stupid for ever opening up about it. she’s naturally skinny so she got a bunch of support from our friend group from it and i’m just upset man. i’m sick of living in misery while other people can use the idea of living in pain for attention.

i promised my best friend that in 3 weeks i’ll go back to therapy and try my best to recover. it’s not true. man it’s never fucking true. it’s never fucking over. unlike ms.deep-poetry-girl i can’t just fucking write this and log off and then eat a good warm meal and talk to my parents without them mentioning my body. i can’t wake up tomorrow morning and hug them without worrying that they’re gonna feel my bones. i can’t wear shorts anymore without people noticing the bruises. i can’t go to school and keep my focus because i have nothing to feed my brain. i can’t let anyone get close because soon enough they’ll be just like YOU. OR they’ll hate me for not wanting to get better. i can’t love myself like you do because of the disgusting things i do each day. i can’t wake up thinner and suddenly stop hating myself. FUCK YOUUUUUUUU GOD IM SO SICK OF IT GOD. whatever im done. just sick and tired.

[jacarandaaaas]

I notice how (most of) the fandom likes to pin Mirabel as motherly but...Camilo's right there. I can see him getting strict when he needs to be or blurts out the right advice at the right time...which literally shocks everyone when he does but still. In other words, he's the "mom/dad" friend that everybody needs at the right time.

He takes care of kids all day + Is a natural caretaker like Julieta is. We don't know much of his personality other than "mischievous" but taking care of kids from an early age can surely make someone responsible and mature overtime.

Mirabel isn't the town babysitter; she has her own things going on. And I know she loves kids and all, but she strikes more as an older sister/ "aunt who gives you the candy you aren't supposed to have" kind of gal than a motherly type. Don't get me wrong, I honestly think she's good with advice too, but Camilo comes in a close second.

Yet, there's literally a tag on ao3 that's "Mirabel Madrigal acting as Antonio Madrigal's parental figure" that belongs to 94 fics. It's not a lot but still.

I'm okay with it being an au and all, have your fun, but Camilo takes care of kids on a regular basis. Shouldn't he be the one that's seen as parental?

It would be funny to see the slacker get fed up with someone's antics and start scolding like a parent would. I'm sure when it happens it makes the person do a double take because it's not something he does often. Rarely even.

So, when it does happen, it's shocking.

It would be nice to have Camilo be painted as someone who is emotionally mature. Maybe not to the extent of Mirabel, but like I said, he takes care of children. That has to make someone emotionally mature to some extent.

It would be nice to see Camilo not painted as a jerk for once. Sure, he's incredibly blunt but not a jerk! And yes, he's a teen boy, he's going to feel emotions like one, but we SAW him giving tea to his mom when she was freaking out.

Not jerk teenager would do that unless they were forced too. Camilo isn't forced, he wants his mama to be calm so SHE can feel a little better. We can see that by the way he's talking to her.

It would be hilarious to see Camilo using a chancla on someone (maybe a bully who's harassing Mirabel) and ending it with-

"AND DON'T THINK YOUR PARENTS WON'T HEAR ABOUT THIS!"

Sorry for the rant, I didn't intend for it to get that long.

anon you are speaking my language!! I’ve talked about my dislike for parentified mirabel before so it’s nice to see I’m not alone on that!

camilo definitely has a more nurturing side and we see it as early as the opening song! Whilst I wouldn’t go as far to say he acts like a parent he definitely knows how to discipline children and is just naturally good at dealing with them! I would love to see more content that talks about how caring camilo is (I am sick of the jerk camilo thing he’s not heartless guys!) I can definitely see him as more experienced with kids than mirabel as he’s the babysitter she’s more just the fun one who hangs around with them! it’s a very different dynamic as we don’t really see mirabel necessarily looking after kids only entertaining them! As for your point on camilo being emotionally mature I would have to agree! the mothers wouldn’t trust him with their kids if they thought he would be irresponsible! he definitely knows how to scold them even if it’s surprising when it happens! I’m glad you mentioned the tea scene, as I think it shows a different side to camilo! he is caring and he’s good at comforting people! he isn’t gonna try make a situation worse he cares about his mother and wants to assure her! and I hate when people use that scene against pepa too! it is normal to make your mother tea weirdos!!! I love that scene despite how brief it is and we see glimpses of that side of camilo in the comics too!

As for mirabel 100% agree! she definitely strikes me as someone the kids would view as the cool older best friend much more than a parental figure. They don’t want to make her mad because in their eyes she’s cool! she’s fun and entertaining and they don’t want to make her mad! it’s not the case of a parent where it’s they know they’ll get in trouble for it! that’s partly what inspired my camp counselor au lmao! the fact mirabel is so good with kids in a way she makes them feel validated she doesn’t reprimand them she is someone they view as a friend! The mirabel is antonios mother fic genre is one I completely avoid i love their relationship because she is so much more of an older sister figure to him! I’ve said before I don’t like these fics so I tend to avoid them even if I don’t really read fics anymore lmao!

but I agree with most of your points! camilo is always seen as the fun one whilst mirabel is the parental one when in canon it’s the other way around! that’s not to say camilo isn’t fun because he absolutely is but we see him actually babysitting we see mirabel just hanging out with kids for fun! what I really need to see is mirabel and camilo as a babysitting duo that would be so fun!! both of them are 15 and deserve to have fun!! let mirabel have fun!! I would love to see more stuff involving camilos nurturing side for sure though!

[designernishiki]

ever think about the fact that nishiki largely spiraled the way he did because of being considered incompetent and unfavorable in comparison to kiryu by everyone important in his life, and thus was constantly neglected and forgotten about. and then think about how the bomb would never have had to go off if kiryu and/or yumi just paid literally any attention to him after the showdown. talked to him. helped him to his feet. kept an eye on him. anything. instead of more or less forgetting he was there and allowing him the opportunity to do what he did. do you ever think about that. i sure do

[laurrelise]

me when i meet someone for the first time and i want to say:

“have you ever watched the umbrella academy? it’s a great show, you really should. it’s about a dysfunctional family of childhood superheroes who underwent serious trauma from their emotionally absent father and grow up to be insanely dynamic and interesting individuals who have to save the world but just keep failing over and over. my favorite character is five, a 58 year-old man in the body of his 13 year-old self who can teleport and time travel but got it wrong the first time and had to survive for over 40 years as the last living human in an apocalyptic wasteland before being recruited by an organization that exists outside of time that keeps the space-time continuum in harmony with itself to become the most lethal assassin known to man for not only his learned talents but also his superhuman abilities. he cares about his family more than anything and sacrificed just about everything he’s ever had to save them time and time again to go under-appreciated by everyone around him. he has a witty charm to him, but just about zero social skills due to several decades which he spent alone but is so extremely smart that at times it’s even difficult to conceptualize just what spending time inside his brain would entail. i find his character so complex and interesting that i’m sure if motivated, i could write several essays on each of his arcs, virtues, and traits. the show is also very loved, especially by myself, due to its beautifully selected soundtrack with some of my favorite songs and such beautiful vocals from artists all throughout time including some of the cast members from the show itself. i especially love ‘stormy weather’ covered and recorded by emmy raver-lampman, featured in season one episode eight, as her character, allison hargreeves, drives through a rainstorm to help save her sister while she thinks about how her entire life has been a lie due to the curse that her abilities inevitably cast upon her. the song gives me chills every time i hear it, from its beautiful vintage-string sound to emmy’s phenomenal vocals, it’s truly an underrated classic that i believe should be talked about so much more. i also love ‘stay with me’, covered and recorded by mary j. blige, also featured in season one episode eight, as her character cha-cha, a ruthless time-traveling hitwoman, seeks unfair revenge on her work partner who chose humanity to go live out his last days with the love of his life. both of these songs push the limits of the musical talent and power these women hold. i could truly go on about the show for hours, but i absolutely can’t recommend it enough. the first two seasons are some of my favorite pieces of film i’ve ever had the pleasure of enjoying, as even though the show isn’t artistically-shot or critically acclaimed, it’s so well-written, produced, and acted that it creates a spark of excitement deep within me that my words simply can’t describe.”

… but i have to say “hi, i’m lauren. nice to meet you.”

[j-esbian]

i lost the post but i saw someone talking about how some of y’all act like being weird is a choice and like. YEAHHHHHHH.

that’s fine, it might be for you. but i just live like this and don’t know any other way. like yeah i’ve worked customer service, i can do innocuous small talk, but anything beyond that, i don’t understand what i’m missing. and it’s frustrating to see the tonal disconnect especially from people who are like “uwu embrace weirdness!!” where they’re like. dressing quirky and talking about bugs and listening to obscure music and eschewing small talk to ask Deep Questions on the first date and unlearning their tendency to not infodump. and generally have an idea of what Weirdness is supposed to look like. idk man some of us wake up and get out of bed and can’t figure out why the rest of their coworkers chitchat with each other but when they join the conversation it dies.

weirdness is value neutral. let’s stop trying to turn it into a badge because quite frankly, it’s not a choice for everyone. it’s fucking exhausting to never be on the same wavelength as other people and they’re going to react the way they do and label you the way they will without any conscious actions on your end. it’s difficult to talk about this without feeling like you’ll be dismissed as immature, a teenager whining “no one understands me” but the thing is. sometimes you don’t grow out of feeling alone and different, and there’s no good way to talk about it without feeling like people will think you’re just fishing for pity.

[autumnhobbit]

I’m gonna be real with you guys, I kind of dread the idea of trying to raise any future kids in this church

[whirlinglikeaballet]

.

[peapod20001]

Did sleeping help

No </3

[reflectionsofgalaxies]

a friend body doubled for me today while i went through pretty much all my clothes and i ended up getting rid of a bunch of old clothes from highschool that i enjoyed objectively bc they’re pretty, but i felt SO uncomfortable in bc i was trying so hard to be someone else.

anyway that also led to us talking about gender and presentation and stuff bc he’s also a NB trans masc person. and i don’t think i’ve had a conversation that felt that good and honest in like. years.

i also came to the realization that for the first time in my life i feel Hot. and it has SO much to do with my hair being shorter. like, i’ve felt cute or pretty at times, but never hot.

but now? me with short hair in black jeans and a flat black sports bra with open flannels or muscle tees and shit? i feel SO good.

anyway thanks for listening to me talk about how hot i am and how great it feels to have other queer people in my life.

[jikigo]

you ever just see a post and just

. 😭

.⬅️🫀⬅️

[sourkitsch]

Two things that are true at once:

I am not nearly as mentally ill as I’ve convinced myself I am

I am far sicker than I’ve convinced my friends that I am

[fingertipsmp3]

Last night’s dream was the first one I’ve had in a long time where I wanted to fall back asleep and stay in it/experience it again

[designernishiki]

anyway. nishiki and majima are both borderline and i could do a whole case study on either of them about it. send tweet

[nazumichi]

“i don’t know how anyone gets through school without doing a sport. raii, how do you do it??!” it’s a funny story actually,

[kyluxtrashpit]

Gonna need everybody on here to take one for the team and start reblogging my posts at the same rate people on twitter do cause I’m gonna have a rage-induced heart attack within a month if I can’t find a way to reduce my time over there lmfao