#do you know how badly teachers are paid compared to other professionals?

[f1ghtsoftly]

So like, this is why I call myself a Marxist feminists rather than a Radical Feminist because I primarily think that ending the relationship between heterosexuality/submission to male authority and women’s financial security will eventually end the intense prioritization of men by women. Without economic survival being assured without ties to the patriarchal family or heterosexual social structures, women will naturally just care about what men think a lot less.

There are other women who believe the opposite, that one must separate from men. I think this is truthfully impractical and cruel. It might make sense for a young woman without children and a college education, but it makes less sense for less financially well positioned women and once men realize many women who are financially well positioned are breaking away, they will use the women and children they control against independent women (or to at least, stay compliant with the scapegoating). Most women, statistically, have children that they need to care for. Most women, who work for wages, have jobs reliant on their willingness to work harder for less and to take male abuse. Most women do not live in a world where realistically they can reskill and leave their husbands without suffering dire economic and social consequences that will put them at risk for more predation. They literally either cannot afford it or live in cultures were this isn’t permissible. Not only that, but it destroys solidarity between younger and older women which we need to win. Men are 50% of the population. We need every woman on board. This cycle has already happened many times, all over the world, throughout history.

Now you may say? Why don’t women all pick up trades? I think going into the trades is a good option for a lot of women and I encourage it, but when I think about economic security, my mind drifts to more vulnerable periods of a woman’s lifespan like her later years and when she is a mother with young children. It’s easier to be economically well when you aren’t strapped by dependents or in bad health but men use our vulnerabilities against us to accept their dominion.

Women not only deserve inalienable economic security for the carework they preform through raising and educating children and caring for the old and sick but protecting women at their most vulnerable protects us all. If we want to live in a healthy post patriarchal world some, or most, women will still want to have kids. We want those women to need support via labor and $$$ from other women rather then men during that time. When women are old and need help, they need support and $$$ from female driven sources. We will all get old or sick someday, we all were children once, some of us may want to become mothers. All of these life stages are RIPE with male predation and exploitation and women forced “under” male protection , for whatever reason, are often turned against feminists but this is a false, male centered choice. Feminists are natural allies to mothers not men.

Knowing we don’t need to rely on men when we’re weak makes us strong and bold. Kids who grow up in households lead by women, with good financial health and strong female lead social bonds not only thrive but become kids comfortable with challenging male power. Adult women free from the burden of raising children without payment do not need to tie their social and political activities to a domineering and conservative husband. They also don’t need to be as desperate to work in exploitive work environments and can ally with childless women in organizing activities with less financial stress.

Wages for Childcare and full autonomy for female dominated industries IS the issue of our time. I don’t want every single woman to stay in a traditional field, obviously, I’m not in one, but I do want every single woman to know that no matter what there are millions and millions of women who earn good money to throw at lawsuits, financial assistance, who can take time off to protest, who can provide childcare etc etc…for women who do feel called to brave the world of male/het relations.

We NEED a strong base of financial autonomy and self respect. We NEED to make sure men can’t split us in camps of spinsters vs. goodwives. We NEED to make sure every woman knows we have her back, as long as she pays us back with loyalty to women first. It is so critical to the survival of this movement to create strong structures that support separatism rather then undermine it.

[lucelinguist]

Hi Luce! 💗 I saw you answered a question about what are you studying in Vienna. Are you still taking those classes? Could you tell me a little bit more about them, please? For example, what is your favourite thing about them or in what kind of projects are you working now. They seem super interesting!

Thank you! 🌷

- 🕊

hello i just finished them! i can tell you a little bit about each class

intensive german and trimester german; i paid for these courses myself but i got a huge discount because i am a student at the university of vienna. since i am also an erasmus student and i got a positive grade for the intensive course i got a refund and only had to pay 100€ for roughly 50 hours of classes. the classes were fun to be in because i studied b2.1 and b.2.2 so everyone could talk to each other and have fun. also we were all adults who were finishing our degrees or were working, so it was nice to not feel like just a student to the professor. i got a lot of confidence in speaking which was absolutely great.

business german; to be totally honest i didn't like this class. i would only recommend if you want to work in an enterprise in a german speaking country. the content to me was boring and i didnt have a lot of motivation to do well in the class. the professor was really nice though.

french; okay i loved loved loved french class here, i was so motivated to study and i really improved a lot in speaking and writing. it was heavily grammar based but it really helped me to have a strong level of basic but accurate french, which is then easily built upon. gosh thinking about this class makes me want to take another class with my professor. i am so motivated to study french this summer *-*

machine translation; this class i took was in english but it was so interesting. the whole class was basically theory based i guess. it was about using machine translation and advising clients on the best services to use. really heavy content but i enjoyed it a lot and it gave me a chance to see how i can professionally apply my degree.

morphology; to be totally honest this class got boring very quickly to me, i didn't want to go to class and being there only made me want to leave really badly. it was sometimes hard to understand the lecturer and she never uploaded any of her presentations until after the lecture so it was particularly hard for me to take cohesive notes. the professor was also very monotone and quiet and kept pacing as she spoke. i think maybe they were a phd candidate so i don't know if they liked teaching or not lol.

transcultural communication; wowowow very very interesting class. it was also recorded so i never went to the live lectures and instead watched them an hour after class so i could pause and rewind whenever i wanted to. i loved the content and although i never spoke (not just because i didn't go to the live lectures) there were some very interesting discussions

compared to england; exams here in my department are really casual and very short (like 6 questions short lol). i feel like you really don't have to study that much especially if you're a native speaker. you can also leave the exam when you are done which usually isn't allowed at my uni. also the teachers spoke to us during the exam. it actually made me feel more relaxed in a way.

next projects; i am doing an 8 week python coding course in the summer and carrying on with french study. i will also start my final year of university in september :)

[andromeda-sapphire]

Witchy Then Vs. Now

I was SO inspired by the post by @hermeticimp​ regarding comparing the witchy things of our childhood to the witchy things we do now. I had to write a blog post about it!

Herbal Magic:

Then: I remember when I was a kid, maybe around age 5 or 7, I used to make rose water with my brother in the summertime. But not quite the way I would now! My mom had a few rose bushes in the front yard, and we would pick a bunch of roses and put them in a big bucket of water. Then, we’d roll up our pants and jump in the bucket (or for me, just jump in, as I was usually wearing dresses at that age) and start smashing the roses up with our bare feet! We called the rose water “magic perfume” and I remember wanting to keep some stored in a bottle but my mom always dumped it out when we were finished because playtime was over and it was dinnertime.

Now: I typically don’t even make rose water very often now, as I don’t usually have access to fresh rose petals. I love to use beauty products with rose water in them though, like Thayer’s brand alcohol-free witch hazel. Nowadays I usually use dried rose petals for spell bottles and for smoking herbal blends. My herbal witchcraft nowadays is mostly making tea blends, smoke blends, and of course as ingredients for spells. I’ve also made healing salves and oils with herbs over the years.

Crystal Magic:

Then: Inspired by my mother’s geological rock collection (she was a science teacher when I was a kid), I began collecting rocks when I was a young child, probably as young as 7. I have a lot of crystals that came from my mom’s collection, and as a kid, I remember taking out her rock collection boxes from the garage and placing them all over the living room so I could open them all up and look at the cool rocks inside. I remember reading about crystal healing in a book on home remedies that my mom gave me. I bookmarked so many pages in that book, most of them in the crystal healing section. I had one special crystal that I had found near my elementary school as a kid (but lost over time.. sad!) and I was convinced it was a magic crystal. I carried it with me all the time, I slept with it under my pillow, and I never completely knew what it was (maybe some kind of quartz?) but I felt that it enhanced my dreams and made them much more vivid.

Now: My crystal collection has multiplied... Significantly... (oops) I am definitely a crystal collector, and now I go out and find some of my own crystals as well. In fact, the huge chunk of serpentine in the image above is one that I found, and it’s roughly the size of my face! I love my crystals, and I make crystal grids as a part of my rituals and practice. Crystals are somehow always involved in my practice actually. I make wire wrap jewelry now with crystals also (check out Buffalo Wraps on Instagram) inspired by the healing properties of the crystals.

Astrology:

Then: When I was about 10, my grandma gave me this book. It was her original copy of Linda Goodman’s Sun Signs. It even has my grandmother’s signature on the inside cover. I was visiting my grandparents in New Zealand at the time, and didn’t have any other books with me for the trip that I can remember, so I spent my evenings in bed reading the section on How to Recognize a Libra. (I’m a Libra Sun, and that was all I knew about astrology at the time) As I finished the chapter on Libra, I was convinced there had to be something real to this tradition of the cosmos. So after returning to the USA, I began researching astrology in my free time, reading as many books and online resources as possible about the topic. I gave my friends and family birth chart readings, and was constantly examining my friends’ behaviors as a scientist examines their test subject.

Now: Well, now I’m trying to become a professional astrologer! It’s been my goal since my third year in University to become an astrologer, and I’ve been taking webinar courses since then from well-known astrologers and (again) reading as many books and online resources as possible. I now have shelves and shelves (almost a whole large tote full actually) of astrology books of all kinds that I’ve collected and read over the years, and it all started with my grandma’s little copy of Linda Goodman’s Sun Signs. Instead of only giving free birth chart readings to friends and family, now I offer paid readings of all types as well! I’ve learned so much over the last almost 15 years of studying this beautiful tradition! Astrology is also a huge part of my magic as well. I never cast a spell without first planning it for a specific planetary hour and day that aligns with the desired planetary energies. I’m constantly watching transits and studying how they affect us down here on Earth as well.

Astronomy:

Then: As a kid, maybe 3rd grade through middle school, I was super into outer space. I remember having those little glow in the dark stars all over my ceiling. My dad gave me a telescope for Christmas one year, and I remember him helping me to set it up a few times at night outside on the porch. I was always staring at the stars as a kid, looking at the moon and the constellations. I had (still have actually) a great little guide book on all of the constellations in the sky and the mythology behind them, and all kinds of cool info.

Now: Unfortunately, that telescope got very dusty over the years. It’s sitting in storage now, and I’m dying to bring it out and set it up again, but I need the space for it first! I still observe the sky and watch the stars and moon, but aside from my astrology practice and cosmic witchery, I don’t focus too much on space. I still watch documentaries on space and the planets etc. however! My magic actually heavily relies on my knowledge of both astronomy AND astrology.

Mythology/Fairy Tales:

Then: As a kid, I loved reading fiction and fantasy! I loved drawing dragons and unicorns, and reading about magical princesses and fairies. I wanted to live in a world of mythology so badly. I remember one of my favorite books at the time was Dealing With Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede. I think that book really got me excited about dragons and magic. I also have believed from a very young age, not sure where it originated from, that I am a witch, and have magic within me! I know one influence on that belief was a graphic novel series I used to read all the time growing up called W.I.T.C.H. - I related to one of the characters in that series, Irma, who had water magic abilities. I always felt a deep connection to water for some reason, and as a kid I believed I could control it to an extent. Later in elementary school, I remember learning about Greek mythology briefly, but didn’t get to learn much about it until later.

Now: I went through a bit of a phase a while ago where I thought I had to connect to a deity, or a pantheon. And I feel like I did have a few encounters with deities, but nothing that truly made me feel comfortable worshiping a deity. Don’t get me wrong, I love Greek mythology and religion, and I’ve actually taken a class at University on Greek mythology. Though I’m no expert, I feel pretty well-versed in my myths. They have a few good mythology documentary shows on Netflix that I enjoy as well. I guess because I come from a semi-Christian background though, I have a distaste for worshiping a “god” or “god-like” figure... So I don’t really worship any deities at the moment, but I do recognize the possibility of them existing, and I recognize them as archetypal figures. Same goes for other mythological beings, I don’t really work with them, but I recognize the potential for their existence in another plane.

Divination:

Then: When I was a kid, I had a little pendulum that I made out of blue lace agate and a chain. I used that for divination purposes, just asking yes or no questions. I didn’t know much else about divination though, aside from astrology, so I didn’t know what other directions there were for me to explore.

Now: I use a few different types of divination, and surprisingly, I rarely use my crystal pendulums! Besides astrology, my go-to divination method nowadays is tarot. I’ve learned to read tarot cards over the last few years after one of my college roommates gave me a rune reading and introduced me to tarot and other forms of divination. Now I have several tarot decks, oracle decks, and pendulums all stored in a beautiful box I call my “divination box.”

Anyway, that’s my Witchy Then Vs. Now! I really would like to see this pick up on Witchblr cuz it’s a fun challenge to make you reflect a little on how you’ve changed, or stayed the same!

Check out my Ko-Fi below to leave me a tip!

ko-fi.com/andromeda_sapphire

[goddamnitlady]

OOC // super long post of me talking at myself, trying to make sense of my behaviour.

I need to put this chaos of thoughts down on the page. Or else they might claw my skull open from the inside out. This text is so super personal it would fit better in my diary. This is me talking at me.

So no obligation to you to read this!!!

I realise I’m so shaken, that in the below text, I will be (re-)constructing my own narrative about myself. I’ll do that right here. 

I will use this narrative to review what I learnt about my behaviour, re-interpret my past and then frame my current social reality. If I use kinder language, perhaps I'll think kinder of myself? Gotta try that. This is my unstructured train of thought, me talking at me. If you want to read about me talking at you, scroll down.

Enjoy some nude TMI. It’s long.

INTRO - BEHAVIOUR 

Yesterday I went to A.DHD Central to get tested and maybe a diagno.sis and surprise, I have it! I saw it coming and I'm okay with this. It explains why... 

why I'm always so easily distracted

why it's almost painful to be bored

why it's almost to do difficult tasks 

why I've got social periods that can last days or month and then suddenly get asocial periods

why I forget something 3 seconds after you said it

why I can't remember more than 3 instructions

why I don't have one train of thought, but 3 or 4. And I need to jump from train to train to keep up with them.

Okay so that's that.

The OTHER thing that I cannot stop thinking about now is just as important. The old man said it very casually, like: "oh btw on such an intense diagnosis day our team of trained specialist always finds other mental difficulties people developed too. AD.HD comes with friends. We see you have (traits of) avoi.dant personality disor.der okay continuing on, your computer test showed..."

And today I'm at home. I picked up my me.ds this morning and I've started dosing. I started thinking, wait what did they say yesterday about that other thing? So I read through Wikipedia.

ME TALKING @ ME. ^That new info about my behaviour changes my interpretation of my past.   

Yesterday a professional told me that 50% of the kids with ADH.D leave primary school feeling like an outcast so it's not weird I was bullied too.

On primary school I was dia.gnosed with dyslexia and dyscalculia. It means that letters and numbers magic to me. They tremble and swap places or vanish. The classes Maths and Languages were awful to me. Biology and History were better and more fun but they also make use of numbers (dates/calculations). Art class (with my hands or brain) was the one thing I could actually do. I could do presentations and discussions as well.

But I felt different from my peers because they could learn things so EASILY compared to me. I wasn't dumb, I understood, but then the explanation was gone and I'd forgotten it again(AD.HD). So I needed lots of repetition to learn. And then once I understood it the letters/numbers kept moving without my consent! (dyslexia/dyscalucia) Stupid letters/numbers.

I moved houses and thus switched schools. On the new school became bullied by being socially exluded, ignored, and critisized.

That bullying made me feel like I could be 'attacked' in class all the time. In hindsight I was sensitive to stimuli. Everyone has a filter on their mind that ignores certain things (like the fact you are breathing. congratulations, you are now aware that you are breathing) and lets other things through (such as the honk of a car when you're jaywalking). Child!me must have been working super hard to 

pay attention to class 

filter stimuli 

categorise high-speed which stimuli are hostile 

muffle intense emotional reactions 

consider which version of reply would create least conflict/emotion 

A lack of sleep (from reading books until late) make me sleepy during the day thus less sensitive to (negative) stimuli. 

So I became from age 10 onward very much an outcast/ anxious/ nervous/ shy/ avoidant-of-confrontations-where-I-could-be-rejected. 

I was bullied on secondary school too. Jackpot.

I worked harder than average but my grades were lower than average. I felt inadequate. Inferior. My self reflection went into overdrive. I started to think things like... if I can't do maths or language and don't like people, what sort of career could I do? What value did I have to humanity?  Was I not just taking up resources? I felt guilt and shame that my parents had to waste(!) money on me. No economic equation could justify having me around. I was a useless human being. My only good trait is that I'm kind to people, showing kindness always -- even if they don't deserve it. Because I know what it’s like to be hurt and I don’t want to do that to anyone. 

(I feel so fucking lucky that I grew up in a loving family because holy shit teenage!me sounded like the textbook perfect victim for types of abuse.)

I worked hard in all my classes and it paid off. I went to the above-medium level of education for secondary school. Finally away from my bullies at age 15,5! I think that ended my de.pression too. I switched schools to above-medium, it was a normal period on that secondary school.  Two more years after that went fine. Made my long-term school friends and cosplay friends in that time and since. Yay!

After that, I studied graphic design on adult education medium level, then for Teacher of English As A Foreign Language on above-medium level, now I'm this(!) close to finishing Literature Studies on university (highest) level. Take that, insecurity. I'm not stupid. My specialities (creativity) just lay elsewhere than the standard measurement.

I read somewhere that AD.HD people don't have normal emotions but that one emotion TIMES TEN. So a small mention of rejecton from another person causes a feeling of REJECTION TIMES TEN in me. I can easily say that I have joy times TEN, fear times TEN, and enthusiasm times TEN too, which can make me a very charming person?

I initially thought this strong emotional fear of rejection was the AD.HD-only symptom called RSD, rejection-sensitive dys.phoria. What makes it into a personality diso.rder?

Answer: Persistent malfunctioning in society. 

ME TALKING @ ME. Re-framing my social reality and examining my behaviours.

I malfunction as follows: I experience extreme shyness in certain moments, feel anxious before or during new social situations, don't want to go to the kitchen if my housemates are there, have a fear of emailing/calling people, or approaching groups. Fear of asking money back (I feel like "I'm not worth even a euro"). I have a GIANT fear of being rejected by others. Giant fear of being ridiculed. Cast out.

This leads to a behavior pattern where I avoid conflict. I'm just too scared to do them. Critique freaks me out (because me emotions will skyrocket times ten). And it's the worst when I'm doing a project with people (such as preparing a presentation with a group/making cosplay costume with a friend/travelling home by train and someone needs to pick me up). People are the worst. I feel I always let them down.

So then anticipate on being inadequate, take longer to do it perfect, get ill from thinking up a thousand stressful could-be's, then fiiiiiinally reach out, and hear "you should have done X" or "why didn't you call me earlier?! Now I have to deal with this escalated mess!"

HOW I RESPOND TO ONLINE STIMULI

When friends send me a message online, I get scared. I ALWAYS have fear of opening them. I always think "what did I do wrong this time?" I always anticipate an attack. This is why it's good I have both friends AND other people on whatsapp. Sometimes this emotional anticipation or reaction is so strong that it can dominate my mood for hours.

Sometimes (when I'm most afraid) I open the message to get rid of the notification and don't actually read it. 

Sometimes (when I'm fearful brave) I take a deep breath and read it and take an hour to deal with the stressful emotional reaction. I want to reply but 1)I need to think of the perfect reply to type up so the negative situation will be quelled or/or followed by 2) my AD.HD forgets it.

Sometimes (when I'm happy) I can respond immediately. I'm functional!!!

Sometimes (when I'm happy) I respond immediately and them too and it's fun! And I have a blast! Wow, talking to friends is so much fun!!! I'm charming. I'm fast. I'm celebrating.

Nowadays I have a lot of friends. At least twenty five! They're divided into four groups: hometown, student life, online, cosplay. These are "friends without obligation" MEANING that my presence is a addition and not a requirement. They will never guilt me for cancelling on them. We can only hang out once a year and have a blast without talking at all during the rest of the year, and we will still conciser each other friends.           I consider them friends if I can message/call them up at 2 a.m. and cry about a boyfriend or needing a place to sleep. Which is a huge deal to me, me-who-feels-guilty-for-taking-up-resources.)          It don’t always function. I can hide for weeks, avoiding social contact. Then I can be super functional for weeks. Ups and downs.          I function best around friends without obligations. 

ME @ TUMBLR FRIENDS.

I suppose I want my tumblr friends to know that...

I 'squish' on a person. I use the word here in the meaning of 'plantonic crushing' and 'wanting to have an emotional bond with them as friend'. I sometimes stalk/bombard a person with messages/like every post/am super invested in everything they do. Usual reason: because I think they are a fantastic content creator. This makes me feel like they are inspiring and amazing and sometimes 'socially higher ranked' than me.          To battle my inferiority, I want them to acknowledge me. I want to 'have' them. I hate to admit it, but the words "notice me senpai" sum it up badly. A better way of describing it is “proving my inferiority complex as wrong and my internalised social hierarchy as false as fast as I can”.         The resolution is often hanging out in chat and writing a thread together. It will make me realise that we're both humans. Often, once the person gives me attention, I very quickly normalise them and am able to stop bad thoughts.        I really dislike the senpai/kohai dynamic and want to get rid of it asap. Giving me attention helps! I've experienced this squishing in class/ social/ work/ online/ cosplay environments. If I am 'squishing' on you, just pat my head, okay? 

I feel compelled to admit have had squishes on but then normalised as equal Sky.e, Ni.kki, Ju.lia, E.su, Ham.my, J, Cel.este, Va.na, and various others who I don’t need to mention because I never became friends with them. My squishes on these people were on the creative person as future friend, not(!!!) on the muses. I still have a ton of respect for these people.

People I'm in the process of normalising are Surfi and Jana. I'm doing well. I’m not that bad. When Hammy appears I still want a pat on the head though.

One person I'm squishing on quite much right now is Nami. I want all their attention. Nami, if you're reading this, I hope it doesn't drive you crazy (not as mad as it drives me). So I'm sorry that I post a reply 0.3 seconds after you post and seem to be online 24/7. 

And if anyone else is reading this, sorry I’m paying less attention to you.

I hate it when partners drop threads unannounced because I'll be waiting by the front door like a labrador waiting for a dead owner to come home.

Its fine if you tell me you want to drop a thread, no problem, no feeling of rejection here.

It's fine if you take 2 years to reply to a thread. Literally.

I forget thread posts. Feel free to poke me when I take longer than a month.

Me not replying to your roleplay request is because I'm imagining that my rejection of your request will hurt you as much as it would hurt me. I'm imagining your pain and emphasize with my fantasy to the point that I leave your request in my inbox for months. And then it hurts that I didn't reply.

Me not posting your submission/ask message is because I'm always feeling inferior. I don't feel worthy of your attention. I don't feel worthy of your text/art/time, so when I get it I feel THRILLED. Like, "WOW they like me!! Take that inferiority complex!!" I feel thrilled. I have to give you the perfect reply that will show you exactly how thrilled I am. Or give you a perfect drabble as reply.

Me not replying to your chat messages is not me intentionally disrespecting you. You are important. Goddamnit I want to keep you as a friend. It's me being EMOTIONAL AS FUCK AND I'M PREPARING A REPLY or I FORGOT ABOUT IT.

I only give myself permission to delete those after 6 months of struggling.

Me roleplaying super intensely with you and then suddenly not at all, is because the following happened: 

I  squished on you back then,

we wrote and for a while my days centerend around your online hours, 

I normalised you and I found tranquillity (good ending) OR 

I was called away because I had ignored real life and it became on fire. (bad ending, very much at risk of uncontrolled squishing on you again!!!)  

(I want to continue to enjoy being friends with you Super Duper Much, I respect your distaste for my silences, I’m sorry, and I feel bad TIMES TEN that I put you in this mood.) (I then feel worthless. Then inferior and wow hello devil on my shoulder that tells me bad things. Hey devil if you’re here do you pay rent?  And I begin to avoid you which makes you even unhappier. Then I avoid you and - etc. etc. Goddamn I just want to be friends and write rp WHY am I like this! Why am I so fearful? It doesn’t make any sense!)  

The thought of writing with you makes me excited times ten. I respect you. And because we didn't RP and you're worried and I feel I let you down... I want to "make it up to you by being perfect and worthy".        It catapults me right back into the mindset/habits from where I used to squish on you, and my day will center around you again. I know I don't /want/ that mindset to ambush me. It'll control me.         So I either postpone engagement with you, OR I ask/agree a day where we can write together. Then my intense emotions and refresh-the-page obsession and "OH MY GOD THIS RP IS SO GOOD U R SUCH AN AWESOME CONTENT CREATOR WE HAVE SO MUCH FUN" thoughts can be limited to that day.         During the next days (I usually need days), I can cool down from the hype and try to continue with my life and productively avoid the bad squish. This may come across as cold. But I assure you, my mind is constantly on you. And when I’m settled, I’ll be easier to approach for casual RP again. 

I find it extremely hard to deal with users who see me as their senpai. When I feel that you idolise me as senpai, want my attention and affection, want to be my friend, I get really uncomfortable. I usually search for ways to calm you down and make you realize I'm human. But if I do not feel equal, (because of IM chat/because writing styles clash) I can’t hang out with you. That’s not you, that’s me. Feeling inferior is something I’m trained in now and know how to go to ‘equals’ level fast, I’m not trained at all to feel superior. I screw up wayyy to much to accept that role. I will fear hurting you. I wouldn’t know how to try to become equals. So then I dash away. I’m sorry.

I'm not good at IM messaging in chat on tumblr or other social media online because I'll 1)get scared of the messages or 2) really really want to write with you. So I generally don't want to chat at all, except to plot roleplays. I find it difficult to send friends regular 'hi how are you' messages because I want a "friendship-without-obligations" that I described earlier.

Wow this list must scare you. I'm sorry.

It scares me. Wow, what a manual. I'm so complicated.

I'm worried now about whether I should post this. I sound like such a... a crazy online person that has a ton of things wrong in the head and should be avoided at all cost. ......... No, let me rephrase that. I’m a self-reflective person. I am a critical analyst of my mind and it's unique I can put it into words. 

DEAR TUMBLR FRIENDS...

- You don't want my squishing + I don't want my squishing. Let's work together so this bad mindset doesn't thrive, OK?

- You don't want to be ignored + I don't want my ‘conflict avoiding anxiety’ that makes me ignore you. Let's continue to communicate!! Please sandwich your critique in kindness. Kind-critical-kind. Then I'll reply faster!

- I am worth as much as every one of you. I am NOT your kohai and if you start seeing me as such I'll feel offended. I'm worth as much as any of you. (My mind cannot be trusted.)

- You cannot control what emotions I feel, nor the intensity. Anything(!) could spark me to go into a different mindset.

ROLEPLAY I suppose I have a 'type' of muse. 

I like writing confident-arrogant muses who never hesitate about being better than others. They used their unique traits that set them apart to excel (not fall), and are so fearless of social rejections that they boldly abandoned social-mediocority to craft a setting they thrive in.       Its because their growth/conquer mindsets appeal to me. I want to continue training myself to think like that. It helps battle my fears.       I identify with them.       Reasons: I worked hard and rose from being bullied at primary school and medium education level to upper-middle level. Now I'm at highest level of education (university) despite my flaws. I channelled my traits of creativity + kindness + hard work and made a ton of friends. I am now struggling with my university bachelor thesis. I have to finish it asap, but damn, I'm amazing, I never thought I'd get this far?? I'm in my world of my own making. My loving supporting surrounding friends/family/teachers help me function.  

IN CONCLUSION....

So in conclusion, I can only ask for your friendship, your kindness to forgive me when I mess up, and to please occasionally pet my head.

In return, I will generously offer friendship for however long you want me, will bravely engage in struggles to reply to your messages in time, and I offer you lots of FEELS from my muses.

I'm going to make sure that the time we hang out and write together, will be the MOST AMAZING EXPERIENCE.

Excerpt from my thoughts to show you how it goes: Small bad thought in my head: "don't abandon me, please accept this RP service I offer, because you won't hang out with me for my personality due to my bad attention/communication skills. I can see why you like my Orochimaru/muses but can hardly see why you could like me." Louder good thought in my head: "Shut up you're a feeling from the AD.HD or conflict-avoident-personality-type part of my brain and you can't be trusted. LA LA LA I'M NOT LISTENING. I'M GREAT." Small thought: "...Keep telling yourself that." Louder thought: "Ouch. I mean. LA LA LA. POSITIVE SELF-DECEPTION  AGAINST BAD THOUGHTS UNTIL IT'S AN INTERNALISED TRUTH IS AN EMPOWERING METHOD THAT WORKS. LA LA LA." So that’s how it works. Sometimes I cannot differ which of the thoughts is bad and which one is the good one. 

EPILOGUE, I’m done.

Okay. I think I have figured myself out. I’ve re-evaluated my past. 

The urgent mess of thoughts in my brain has calmed down. I no longer feel like my head will explode. 

I’ve said all the things I wanted to say to myself, and I’ve said the things I want to say to tumblr friends. 

I’m going to pretend nooooo oneeee took the time to read this big post... so no one will be angry (something which I fear for no logical reason) ... and I’ll be able to sleep right now. 

[blockbustersgang]

When work brings you new homes around the world

Thoughts of working abroad and lessons so far learned by our Co-Founder Iiris, working as an 1st Assistant Director, currently in Stockholm Sweden until mid-March 2021.

There was a time when I only fantasised of working outside Finland - or even just outside of Helsinki. I thought I’d never have the opportunity to be on a crew of any international productions and especially anything that’d be filming somewhere else than in Finland. 

Firstly this myth was broken when I joined Iron Sky team to work on the post production of extended cut of the film. Obviously I realised I’d jumped into a massive three counrty co-production, coordinating crews from Germany, Australia, Finland and even Slovenia. I was puzzled, over the moon. At 20 years old I found myself already accomplishing my dreams. 

Lesson #1 learned: dream cost-effectively, dream even of small things, like working on any international film, on any role. You may realise suddenly and very quickly you’ve already accomplished it. 

My first film markets as part of Iron Sky team, Berlinale & EFM 2013 and Cannes Film Festival & Marcé Du Film 2013.

After my work at Iron Sky I visited animation world quickly by being Director’s Assistant on Angry Birds Toon series. We had crew from dozens and dozens of countries on board - literally I’d hear a new accent every day when walking to the studio. I met top level animators, storyboard artists and directors of the world. Even though I wasn’t really doing exactly what I wanted I got lots and lots of practice on understanding leadership and different working cultures - not to mention animation workflow itself. 

Lesson #2: international productions aren’t that simple or easy. Actually they require two times more communication, to make sure everyone is on the same page though they’re not using their first language.

Farewell card and Rovio team card with office breakfast in 2014. Still miss these amazing, crazy and inspiring animators!

I would have maybe never understood my potential unless there’d been Production Value workshop that was recommended to me. It was truly jump to the deep end, I felt like I’d die of the scare I had, that I’d never be as good as all the rest in the workshop. Still to this day I have no idea how I got in as I didn’t have that much experience. But somehow someone saw something in me and this is the pure reason why no one should ever stop trying to chase their dreams. 

“It has become very clear to me it was a step to the right direction and has given me more confidence and skills than I (or anyone else) realised. Suddenly I do understand making films outside Finland will be possible for me and there is no limit when I just keep on going. I never really thought about this so far but now it feels making my first international co-production in the AD department could be just around the corner.”

This is what I wrote to my final report in the beginning of 2015 when completing my training. I’m deeply thankful for getting that sparkle in.

Soon after I’d finished my work at Rovio began an era I truly started my 1st AD work on professional films. On the first years I was the most frustrated of only landing in domestic productions, not getting to widen my ideas of ADing, sometimes being even arrogant on thinking these wouldn’t educate or challenge me enough. I made enough mistakes to get real and understand every single production teaches me. I am never ready. I always have things to learn. 

Fast forwarding to lesson #3: even domestic teaches you to be more ready for international stuff. Work.

I think the first time I ran a professional, large scale set outside Finland was in 2016 for some commercials in Estonia. I didn’t have much time to prepare and I knew no one in the crew. I was more or less horrified - and lucky, as it went well. I found solutions I could offer and met some people who later became my good friends (also tell a Finn who doesn’t love jumping into an Estonian set and meeting old schoolers who know how to speak Finnish with them, with the lovely, warm Estonian accent). But my real stepping stone was filming feature film Heavy Trip in Norway in 2017. 

Dear lord I had craved for a production like that. I was thrilled. I loved every second. And somehow besides the chaos it all just went very well in the end (at least for me as a 1st AD). We were exactly on time and figured out massive plan B’s and C’s when needed. Yes it was rough. It wasn’t a surprise these things mostly are. But I noticed my energy being many levels up compared to former productions. Somehow the multi-nationality crews and locations further away keep my heart beating stronger and lungs breathing clearer.

Last night feels before my first shooting day in Norway as 1st AD. 

Since that everything just moved rather quickly and now I’ve run sets in Sweden, Estonia, United States and Djibouti. After Heavy Trip I only did one domestic feature - all others have included filming abroad and at least two countries co-producing. More or less all other productions have somehow had an international aspect on them. I’ve also loved filming international projects in Finland. 

I think one of the key factors of me getting to do these projects I’ve so massively wanted to participate is that I really put a lot of energy, time and money into understanding filmmaking outside Finland. No one will come and get me from my home, right. So I’ve stepped out, humbly joined events and conversations, made a fool of myself, learned so much of networking and taken my English to a new level while working and working and working on it. (Still not perfect, unfortunately.)

Giving a lecture of 1st Assistant Directing in Greenwich University January 2017. Would not have had the chance unless amazing former Intern Luisa would not have suggested me as a guest lecturer to her teachers.

Lesson #4: Networking matters. It might be someone surprising who gives you the next opportunity to show your skills and talent. 

My first shoot in the States as 1st AD - Iron Sky the Coming Race pick ups with Digital Sputnik in LA May 2018.  

Lesson #5: Jump in to every crazy, stupid, badly paid production if you feel like it’ll give you something more than others. 

Working Together workshop gang in the end of 2018. Never stepped this strongly out of my comfort zone. Not only changed me as a filmmaker - but also as a human. 

Lesson #6: European organisations offer fantastic professional trainings for filmmakers and many countries (like Finland) offer scholarships or funding for them to participate. Invest some time to look for these and apply!

On-set friends in Estonia and Djibouti in 2019. 

I must say - after four features in a row outside my home country - that working abroad can be quite exhausting. I’m missing home and I appreciate Helsinki lot more than I used to. I’ve always felt it as my home but now I really know it’s got a special place in my heart. I'm actually really looking forward getting back home and working in Finland for a change. I’m really enjoying speaking in English though - which my mom must find very amusing as I absolutely hated studying any languages in school - and am wishing I can keep evolving my language skills even when getting back to Finland. 

Ah - I’ve tried to learn other languages too. When leaving to Djibouti last fall 2019 I’d been studying French for 2 months. Let’s just say I only got to say hello, how are you, thank you and good night. And in Sweden it’s been a bunch of all three languages I can somehow speak - everyone else speaking Swedish together (I can follow up around 60-70% of discussions) and English to me and me trying to balance with my elementary Swedish that translates to Finnish in my brain but still mainly talking English. It's been lots of work for my brain.

Lesson #7: Working on other languages and within other cultures might be exhausting no matter how much you enjoy it. Try to rest more than usual. Tell your family and friends you might be more tired than normally and ask for additional support if needed.

I don’t think I’ll ever satisfy into not having the world open anymore. Covid-19 is truly testing my limits on all levels - work and personal ones. I don’t need to travel at all times or only work on big sets. I was very happy just at home with my dogs and spouse for two months last spring during lockdown. But there’s so much to see - so why not go when having a chance. 

I recommend you all: take that chance. Make a little effort to get the first one, and the next ones will follow. 

With love from eternal dreamer, 

Iiris