#do you understand I told my straight cis Catholic friends about this and they ALSO thought this thinking was batshit insane transphobia?

[baby-honeyy]

Warning: im ranting about asexuality and mention sexual assault and othe sex talk

Probably tmi but im really upset. Someone I thought really cared about me keeps asking how being asexual has ever been an issue. She keeps asking how I could ever have had anything negative happen just from my lack of sexual interest. At first it seemed like an innocent question, something she was genuinely curious about. But the more she asks the more I realize she isnt asking in order to educate herself, she's asking because she doesn't believe that my life as an asexual person could be all that different from a straight cis person.

Well. Apart from the fact that I am neither straight nor cis, there are plenty of negative experiences that center around my asexuality or really, the lack of general knowledge or acceptance of asexuality in general.

First off, I grew up believing that there was something seriously medically wrong with me. Everyone around me was so focused on sex that the only time I ever heard of someone not wanting sex was when it was a symptom of a mental illness or medication. I thought (as early as the later years of elementary school) that because I never wanted to have a first kiss or a first time I must be ill.

In middleschool, as we started sex ed, all my friends started talking about their first sexual experiences. Their first kisses, their first time getting off, first time going all the way. And I started getting physically ill at the thought that I would have to do the same. I forced myself to masterbate even though I hated it because I thought I had to. I was convinced that if I didn't then when It actually came time for me to have sex It would be much worse.

In 6th grade I told my mom I wanted to be a nun because to me that was the only way I'd never be forced to have sex. Im not even catholic.

In 8th grade I hoped that my first time having sex would be when I was too drunk to actually experience it.

In my freshman year my mom told me no one would ever really be able to love me unless I was able to give them sex.

And when I finally learned what asexuality was I felt so relieved. Because not only was there a word that perfectly described me, but it came with a community of people who could understand me better than anyone else.

I joined my first lgbtqia club my sophomore year, i came out as bi and asexual. I was kicked out of the club, because being both bi and ace apparently meant I was a "transphobic straight attention seeker"

Every person I've ever had a Romantic interest in has asked me the question "but have you tried it"

My stepmom told me that it was unfair of me to "withhold that intimate connection" from my future partner. That "relationships are two way streets" and that "you need to prepare yourself to be able to love them that way"

While my experience with asexuality isn't going to be the same as everyone's, I know that there are things I've mentioned here that other ace people will resonate with. I also know that my trauma surrounding sexual assault has influenced how I perceive sex. Not every asexual person is sex repulsed.

Something I hear a lot around ace discourse is "no one has ever killed someone for being asexual" and technically that true.

But there is "Correctional" rape, Physical assault, Verbal harrasment, Suicide, and much more.

The amount of times someone has gotten physically aggressive with me or my friends for "leading them on" in a relationship even AFTER explaining Asexuality is sad.

I honestly thought that we'd grown out of the "my trauma is worse than yours" phase and realized that way of thinking is harmful.

I know that there will always be someone worse off than me. I was lucky enough to be born white. I was lucky enough to have friends who support me. I was lucky that I wasn't born in the middle of a war. I was lucky enough to be born into a Christian family who didn't ever have to face religious persecution. In so many ways I know I am privileged and I am lucky and I am better off. But that doesn't erase the shit I was unlucky enough to have to experience.

[achliegh]

Positive

Hello, I asked how everyone would feel if I did a prequel to O&O. I got a lot of yes’ and screaming so I decided it was best to do it. I have been thinking about this ever since chapter 17 of Olive and Otto. So here it is! If you have any questions about characters just send me an ask and I will gladly answer! (Also I just get so happy when people want to talk to me)

Leo and his family belong to @lumosinlove <3

Thank you to: @walking-crisis, @clearsuitcasecookienerd, @blingywitch, @waltzintherain, and @moonofthenight, @onlydreamofmysoul (If I missed anyone who answered my asks please let me know! I know some haven’t answered yet but I am hoping they will)

TW/CW: High school bullies, Coming out to homophobic family, Slurs, Homophonic languages and attitudes, mentions of sex, and pregnancy, teen pregnancy, probably food and drink. Oh! And cigarettes and underage drinking.

Chapter 1

The Night Of

Halloween 2015

“We are never doing that again!” Indigo was laying in her bed next to Leo breathing hard. They just had sex… for the first time ever!. It was horrible and sticky and she never imagined doing that with Leo. They both thought it was a good idea especially because it was Halloween, they were at a house party that one of their cheer friends had put on.

“Agreed” Leo sighed next to her and put his hands on his face. Both here silent for a couple of minutes until they suddenly turned to face one another at the same time and blurted out.

“I’M GAY!” Both slapped a hand over their mouths and just stared at the other like they had a fish strapped to their head….

“What?!” they both said at the same time again. Indigo slapped his shoulder hard causing him to wince, she sat up and hugged her knees resting her forehead on them. Oh god, both of them were just playing the part of the perfect partner when neither really wanted each other like that.

Leo had gotten up to toss the condom they had used, because neither of them wanted to have kids especially that young, he slashed some water against his face and rubbed it down the back of his neck. Resting his hands on his shoulders he looked into the mirror, he saw an idiot, his shaggy blonde curls that he didn’t know how to control, the bags under his eyes from constantly being at practice. Cheer or Hockey, Gymnastic or Band it didn’t matter. With all his school work he had no idea how he hasn’t slept less than he has. Maybe he should stop taking naps during study hall.

He was lanky but trying to build up his muscles, the cigarettes weren’t helping, yeah they suppressed his appetite like his cheer coach told Indigo, but it wasn’t what he needed to be able to bulk up. He sighs and grabs his boxers from the floor and slips them on as he sits next to Indigo. Yes, he was gay, he had known he was different since he was thirteen. He dated Indigo to prove that he could love a woman and he does love her, but not in that way. He wraps an arm around her and holds her close. Rubbing her side as he hears some sniffles.

“Was that the first time you ever said it out loud?” He feels her nod and kisses the top of her head. He first said it to his mirror about a year ago, he was going to tell Indigo but never got around to it because he really thought he loved her romantically, but tonight proved it wasn’t that. “ It’s gonna be okay, I won’t let anything happen to you. I swear on my life.”

“Leo, you don’t understand! M-My parents, they will kill me! They would kill me if they found out we just had sex, and that straight! Oh god, I’m gonna get murdered or sent to conversion camp like they almost did Peri because he dyed his hair pink last week.” She cries harder when she remembers her baby brother being screamed at because his good friend dyed a pink streak in his hair. They called him a Faggot and a Tranny and just horrible horrible names that didn’t even fit him. Peri was straight and cis, so they just threw these horrible insults at him for no reason. He was the oldest out of her six brothers, a year younger than her. Being the oldest of the family and the only girl there is so much pressure to be perfect. She is trying so hard but she can’t help but find her captain good-looking and sweet and she makes her heart flutter in a way Leo never could.

The family tree of the Khalid’s is one that everyone in town shoves their noses into. Indigo’s mother, Valentina, is from Argentina and immigrated to the USA at the same time as her father, Francisco, who is from Mexico. Since they were the immigrants on the block everyone already thought low of them or so their parents thought. So, if the kids did anything not by the parents standards, they were in huge trouble. The family was also highly religious, very Catholics Christians. But they pushed it to an insane level, a debilitating level. Indigo remembers getting a ruler across her hands because she said “OMG” when she was in third grade.

Indigo has six younger brothers, everyone is named after an odd color. Her parents thought they were being creative. There is Indigo the oldest. Peri (short for Periwinkle) the second child is only a year younger than her. Viridian is the third child of the clan and the most rebellious three years younger than Indigo. Vermillion and Crimson, the twins of the family, four years younger than her and the most mischievous little shits. Aurelian is the second youngest and the sweetest little child you will ever meet, he is six years younger than Indigo and her favorite sibling. Gent (short for Magenta) is the baby of the family, 7 years younger than Indigo and the biggest little brat you will ever meet.

Leo doesn’t have siblings or crazy strict parents, he just doesn’t understand that and sometimes Indigo gets angry with him for not understanding. He is always so positive and it really gets on her nerves sometimes.

She leans into him and cries into his bare shoulder, they were both still sweaty from their earlier activities, she didn’t care though. She finally admitted out loud that she was gay, not only to herself but to her best friend.

“Are- *hiccup* Are we gonna break up?” She looks up at him and he sends her the most soft and understanding smile she has ever seen. He always knows what to say, how to hold her, how to treat her, how to calm her down. Whoever he got with would be so lucky.

“Do you want to? I mean, there is such a thing as a beard.”

“Leo, you can’t grow a beard.”

He laughs, “No!” He flicks her forehead making her laugh a little. “I mean a queer beard, its when people act like they are dating so people don’t ask questions about their sexuality. We could do that.”

“Like a double beard.” She smiles at him a little, still sniffling. Wiping her eyes, spreading her makeup all around her face she groans. “Can we take a shower?” He nods and stands up quickly making her fall off the bed. He laughs and runs to the bathroom before she can throw something at him. She hears the water running and smiles a little.

She has the best, best friend. She slowly stands, flinching a little at the slight tightness in her hips, annoyed she walks into the, now steamy, bathroom and slaps Leo’s ass really hard.

He yelps and looks back at her, glaring he rubs his butt, knowing he probably deserved it. They step under the hot stream of water together and sigh. He grabs some shampoo and washes his hair, then hers. Scratching her scalp in a way that he knows she loves.

“Do you think people will figure us out?”

“If you ever want to come out just let me know and I will be there for you 100%”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“But I know what you meant.”

They finished up the shower and were both yawning by the time they finished brushing their teeth. Leo in his boxers and Indigo in her sweatshirt and sweatpants, they curled up in bed together. Her head on his chest as they drifted off. They knew this night had an impact on them, but they never would have guessed how much of an impact.

[fetchy1238]

Can Anyone Else Relate?

Hello! I would like to share my experiences with the LGBTQAI+ society.

Before I start, it is imperative that I point out that just because I have experiences like this, it does not mean ANYTHING pertaining to ANYONE ELSE’S experiences or otherwise. This is just my personal account of how I have felt about this group.

Second of all, it is also important that I tell you how I identify. I am a cis-gender female that is pansexual. I try to get to know people, places, ideas, etc. before I start judging them.

I’ve recently discovered that I was not straight and felt it would be a nice idea to join the LGBTQ+ club at my college. I thought it might be a nice way to connect with a group of people that I could relate to. It is my first year at college and I can sometimes have trouble making friends, so this seemed like a pretty good solution. I was expecting a warm, welcoming group of people who wanted to have fun, hang out, and connect with others, which I was happy to find.

What I was NOT expecting was all the comments about the Catholic Church, or about people who had any sort of faith or did not seem to understand what LGBTQ+ really was. The club made me feel like everyone who believed in a version of God, or anyone who was a straight, cisgender person was an enemy. Some people also felt those who were religious were also sexist. This made me upset because I am Catholic.

Let me explain: I have gone to Church for all 19 years of my life. I got confirmed two years ago and feel very close to my Church community. My family has also been to 4 separate Churches, and not one of them brought up anything about being anti-LGBTQ+ or promoting a sexist movement. In fact, at our current Church, one of the Deacons from the Archdiocese came and told us about a large program he heads up that is all about connecting with other faiths (or lack there of), and with people who identify as LGBTQ+. Even though no one at my Church knows I am pansexual, I have always felt welcomed, and have made many friends within this community.

I also want to point out that I do not think it is wrong to not be Catholic or Christian. I think it is perfectly fine to follow any other religion, or to not follow any religion at all. I’m fine being around people who don’t believe the same things I do, and I’m not going to attack others just because they are not Catholic or Christian.

But it still upsets me to hear people say “I decided to go to a Catholic college to throw my family off the scent” because “no gay person would willingly go to a Catholic college”. I’m fine hearing about it once, but constantly being reminded of that fact, on top of hanging out with people who joke about God not being real and knowing full-well that I am a practicing Catholic and that I wouldn’t make jokes about “atheists being heathens” or whatever I’m supposed to say, along with the constant jokes about altar boys and the Pope being a pedophile, makes me feel more than just a bit hurt.

I am not going to defend that last part. Those priests were and are horrible people who commit despicable acts and should be held accountable for their actions instead of excused or protected.

But this is my faith, and hearing about all that day after day makes me feel unwelcome and excluded in a community that prides itself on being inclusive and accepting of everybody. I’ve distanced myself from so many people because of this, people that I wanted to grow closer to and develop friendships with, all because I’m afraid I’ll be cast out if they find out I’m Catholic.

There’s also a person who is a part of this club that makes it known I will never be accepted there. I’ve been near this person when talking about how the Bible fascinates me and how, at the very least, I find it to be a very interesting story (I go to a Catholic liberal arts college, and one of our mandatory courses requires us to read parts of the Bible). This person had butted into the conversation to say that they didn’t agree with the Bible because it was sexist. They then began to quote Genesis 22:24, while going on to say that they do not agree with it (this passage is in the Old Testament while I was talking about a passage in the New Testament). This person has also called me stupid for not remembering to look at rubrics for essays, and is generally not very nice to me. I don’t expect everyone to be nice to me, in fact I know that not everyone will. But something like this that happens more than once can still make someone feel excluded or hated.

I had originally come to the LGBTQ+ club at school to find people who would accept me and appreciate me for who I was. I ended up feeling hurt and scared to ever go back. I know why people hate the Catholic Church and I am not here to say that they are wrong for doing so, but I want them to know that there are two sides to every coin. But no one here wants to hear that, and so I ended up feeling more alone and hated than I feel I should. Not many of you may sympathize with me. Why should you? I have just talked about how I’m proud to be part of what has to be one of the most unaccepting communities in the world, I have no right to feel the way I do. I have, what I believe is called “Catholic privilege”. My experience shouldn’t matter.

But is there anyone out there who does understand? Is there anyone out there who has felt similarly? How do you get through it? How are you okay? I’d really like to know, because I don’t think I’ve ever felt this excluded in my life, and it’s some of the worst pain I’ve ever experienced.

[disasterganes]

been thinkin about gender more. & sexuality & all that stuff. just some personal stuff that i want to put out into the world because i hate hiding who i am at this point in my life. 

you know i’m ?? so deeply grateful that pride exists. i’m so deeply grateful that people can share their stories and everyone gets a chance to be heard but also to listen and to consider things that they hadn’t before and -- idk. i just feel like some of the things i’ve been hearing and seeing and reading lately have really helped me come more to terms with who i am ?? first and foremost among them the fact that i’m not the only person still adjusting to labels and discovering themselves at twenty seven is like -- an incredible relief. i already feel so much pressure to hit certain milestones and have such intense fear that’s, yes, part of my anxiety disorder, but also stems from my complicated relationship with myself, my body, my identity. 

i’d never considered, until extremely recently, that the reason i’m so heavily triggered by the idea of having kids or other people having kids is because the heteronormativity terrifies me because i can’t and don’t want to fit into it. to me, personally, it’s this tangible marker of adhering to a lifestyle, a label, a life that i can’t access. i’m disabled, i’m gay (we’ll get to that), i don’t fit into the ideal mold that exemplifies western standards of beauty. i have always been on the outside -- alienated from my race, from friends, from my sexual identity, from the hallmarks of womanhood in a male-dominated society. i never had boyfriends, i never played the part of The Girl, and the recent pressure i’ve been feeling (mostly from family, but also the intense number of friends hitting more “stereotypical” milestones every single month that passes) to move into the next phase of my life -- it really stems from how alienated i have always, always, always felt throughout my life. 

this is N O T to say that ANY OF THIS IS REAL. logically and in my heart, of course queer folks can have families, and of course there’s no such thing as normal, stereotypical, that it’s all societally constructed. bisexuality, pansexuality, sexual fluidity -- all valid! hitting certain milestones is not invalidating of one’s queerness! 

the only person i hold to these archaic, misogynistic, and frankly homophobic standards to is myself. it’s so genuine and so easy to accept and love other people -- but i don’t know myself and i fall back on all the bullshit that i heard in my childhood -- my roman catholic italian family, my catholic school years, the fact that twenty seven years ago conversations like this weren’t happening, at least not in my neck of the woods. i repressed myself, deeply, throughout my whole life. i wasn’t honest and i wasn’t brave and because of that i didn’t open myself up to the idea of having a queer friend group, of those experiences. 

straightness and gayness has defined me my entire life. i didn’t like boys so i fixated on boys that didn’t like me so i wouldn’t be at fault when they ignored me, humiliated me in front of the school, got nasty with me, made fun of me. i picked bullies to give my heart to as a way of distancing myself from the responsibility of owning my complexities and standing up for my truths, since they would reject me anyway. i cried and panicked when i was thirteen and realized that my fantasies included girls. i went through puberty ignoring my body and my heart and played it as safe as possible. 

that is how i live my life: safe. i don’t take risks. i don’t move quickly. i don’t want because wanting means that you open yourself up to others wanting you, and being desired is more terrifying than being rejected. 

when i say i hate myself, it’s not that i hate the choices i make, things about my body or my personality. i hate BEING myself -- it’s like being trapped in a sarcophagus, being in this body and mind with everything that i’ve experienced. it’s confusing and terrifying and exhausting. i hate me, as a creature that lives, because it’s so damn hard to understand what or who i am, ever.

i alienated myself from womanhood because it didn’t fit the ideal that my mother had planned for me. (and she supports me, has never threatened to kick me out, doesn’t hate me, but it doesn’t erase years of my close minded family filling me with ancient catholic rhetoric about acceptable and unacceptable.) i’m terrified that not wanting kids makes me a bad person, but wanting them makes me less than what i am. i told my therapist, once, that i’d be okay being a dad. because that makes more sense to me -- less commitment, fewer expectations. i have been crushed by the expectations of my gender my entire life, and i have always felt like my gender was decided, determined, and owned by everyone else but me. 

and maybe that is why i don’t actually feel like a woman. i don’t feel like a man. i don’t feel in between -- i don’t feel anything. i perform like a woman, but the only time i feel myself inhabiting my gender is when i let myself explore my feelings for other women, even in the locked recesses of my own mind. gender, to me, is not a thing i inhabit -- it’s a thing i show then put away when i’m alone because it doesn’t feel right. i’m not thin, i’m not pretty, i’m not able bodied or sound of mind. and none of that matters, none of that is REAL because it’s all based on what society has said but that’s the thing -- it doesn’t matter if it’s all bullshit, because it’s still affecting me. the toxicity of beauty, of body type, of ableism -- it has completely poisoned my ability to see and know and understand who i am, because for the LIFE of me i can’t dismantle the lens of this goddamn white-centric male-centric hetero-centric cis-centric fucked up society that we live in. it’s necessary work, to say no to these ideals. but i can’t do it for myself no matter how hard i try. 

it’s terrifying, to think it might never happen. that i’ll never know myself. time is so short and moves so fast and even though i’m trying to merely enjoy it -- it’s a constant Thing in the back of my mind. but hearing others’ stories gives me a kind of courage it has taken twenty seven years to cultivate. and it’s not even a lot of courage at that, but it’s a start -- to begin the process of maybe dismantling my gender a little. to get to know myself. to open up. to move past the traumas that i’ve experienced in my quest to not rock the proverbial boat and play at being straight and a Traditional Woman. maybe one day seeing engagement and expecting posts on facebook won’t send me into a panic attack and make me vomit. maybe one day i’ll be happy with who i am, or just happy in general (since i can’t remember what happy feels like to begin with). maybe one day all those things won’t feel like a threat, a reminder of my failure to fit in with a toxic society. but what i’m going to start with is just being -- and any time i feel myself scared of a choice, that’s the choice i’m going to try to make. because playing it safe, so far, has entombed me in a prison of heteronormativity. 

thank god for pride. thank god for real and fictional stories that have created more pathways towards the freedom of expression and self acceptance. maybe, one day, even self love. 

[snowflake1011]

LGBTQIA Education

The year is 2018 and we’re in a brave new world that in many ways still feels like the dark ages. (We have a president of the US that actively objectifies women and pokes fun at people living with disabilities and in the UK, we have Brexit and that pretty much speaks for itself really). Us millennial's are called ‘snow flakes’ when we stand up for equality or speak out about the scary world around us. Many of those shouting at us, missing what is happening in our world today…

In August of this year, 2018, a 9-year-old child in Colorado, USA committed suicide after being bullied because he was gay. A 9-year-old child.

In October of this year, Paris faced a spate of homophobic attacks. There were several attacks in the French capital were LGBTQIA identifying people were maliciously attacked.

In June 2016, 2 years ago, a gay night club in Florida, USA there was a shooting. A hate crime that killed 49 innocent people.

These are just a little of a very long list of the homophobic/transphobic hate crimes that have happened around the world recently.

In the past week the Scottish Government announced that they will introduce LGBTI education to the Scottish school curriculum (becoming the first country to do so). And for me personally the news is joyous. Even as I write this I feel emotional on a lot of levels; I feel proud, relief and confusion but not disbelief that it’s taken us this long to do so.

However, this week I also seen an article from the newspaper the Scotsman. It asked do you think LGBTI education should be embedded in the Scottish school curriculum? The results sway mostly to Yes with No not far behind. But I am deeply saddened (although not surprised) that this is even up for debate and was published by a newspaper with a big following.

Call me a snow flake millennial but I have a lot to express and a lot of anger and feelings to bring up on this and to those who doubt its importance and say no.

I’ve already shared my own story in my social media this week; I was brought up in a catholic household and sent to a catholic school from the age of 4-16, and my parents accepted my coming out with open arms and love, but I’m also very lucky. Catholic education was a very confusing time for me in my teens.  When I was 15 in 2011/12 (not that long ago) I was told by my Religious Education teacher that I could be gay, but I couldn’t act upon it. That if I did, I was a product of sin and would go to hell. My being gay wasn’t wrong but my actions with men would be. When I was 16, I moved to a non-denominational school, there was LGBT+ posters, rainbow pride flags in classrooms, I was encouraged to bring my boyfriend to my prom, I was valid. And I was lucky.

Not every LGBT+ child is this lucky and doesn’t often find this support and outlet. 

I can’t urge you to understand enough how important it is for this education to be brought forward and these conversations to be had and dictated in a positive manner. For some it’s a matter of life/death. 

Even as I type this now my chest feels tight when I think about how much this education would have meant to me when I was 15 years old…

Coming out was one of the most terrifying things I have ever done. And the thing about it is, it’s in a lot of ways quite an unfair process. Typically speaking identifying as and being straight and cis-gendered there is no massive and difficult conversation that can lead to a loss of family, friends, colleagues and peers because of who you may fall in love with or the person you are. There’s no debate of whether you don’t know if you really are straight because have you tried a homosexual interaction? Or you are too young to know that etc. You fit into society’s ‘normal’ and therefore life is a little bit easier for you in that perspective.

But this is what this education is about; raising LGBTI awareness and allowing it to be part of the new ‘normal’. Fighting the stigma and making the acceptance easier for the upcoming generations. Coming out alone is terrifying; but there’s also a lot of other terrifying things that come along with being an LGBTI person.

What it’s also about is allowing children to feel safe in a school environment. Many kids at home may not have this education, support and love – and they spend most of their time at school. So, if their peers and the adults around them are dictating this open conversation in a positive manner it allows for growth of acceptance and love in our growing society.

When this education takes place, it may allow future LGBTI children to not go on such a dangerous and potentially harmful journey of self-discovery to find out who they are in already confusing time of their lives.

When I was 15 and in school and I was told that my being gay was essentially wrong by an adult of power and with other impressionable children in the classroom it sent me on a dark spiral downwards. Questioning why I was ‘made in this way’, I wondered what was wrong with me, whether I could be fixed, why I didn’t fit in or act like other boys did. Why did I have to be different?

And I thank the universe for my change in education and my amazing friends and family but as I have said before not every LGBTI child this lucky.

Yes, it’s 2018 and we have had changes in our times and acceptance, but the fight is far from over.

And if you are doubting this move by the Scottish government or you need more information the internet is a big place and not hard to learn more about LGBTQIA rights, people and stories.

I still face daily ignorance from adults of all walks of life who claim to be an ally of LGBTQIA lives and rights;

·     Using the word gay as insult

·     Poking fun at any activities I may do that can be deemed hetero-normative (simple things like choosing to drink a pint of beer – “do you want something more fruity?”)

·     Forever being told by straight men “You’re actually ok for a gay guy”

 This is a very small list of a large ignorant things that happen to myself and many others daily. It may seem funny at the time but this all part of the problem that can make people feel down for their differences rather than celebrating it. Jokes aren’t ok at someone else expense and because you have someone in your life who identifies as LGBTQIA – that doesn’t allow you the right to be part of the problem and automatically an ally.

My very long winded and genuinely heartfelt point is, we have come so far and we have done so well but we have to do better and this introduction of LGBTQIA education is a step in a long but positive direction to kill out the end of hate, ignorance, self-loathing, suicide, bullying and murder that still happens today.

[stvlti]

my mother’s friend just sent me a transphobic psa video on WhatsApp

i grew some figurative spine and for the first time told an elder to back off. (it’s been trained in me by my culture to show deference to an elder member of society, so that really did take guts.) still, i wanted to see what the other side’s arguments are for opposing legal recognition of the gender identities of transgender individuals, so i gave the video a watch. 

i have liveblogged my thoughts:

(tw for transphobic language in Chinese)

“一向以來，我哋既社會都係按照人出世時既性徵將人分成男同埋女既兩種性別。社會上設施既使用、團體既會員制度、甚至係婚姻制度，都會參照生理性別既分類來運作。”

omg the more i hear rhetoric like this the more i find Heteros(tm) to be this weird, bizarre cult with the need to categorise everyone by their genitals and organise their social activities around that. why the fuck?? and do people not see how absurdly rigid that is???

“近年有人提出社會要顧及嗰哋唔接受原生性別[既人]"

okay so it’s already very clear that the other side never even bothered to listen in the first place. “ 唔接受原生性別 ”?? nah mate, that’s not their “original” gender/sex, it’s what’s been assigned to them at birth. plus it’s not like they chose to reject their assigned gender on a whim, there’s this thing called psychology? and gender dysphoria?? do some research and we’ll talk.

hmm, well, in the same breath the narrator then brings up gender dysphoria, but clearly they see it as nothing but a medical condition. how else can you put that forward matter-of-factly and still oppose the tried and successful measures now suggested to be put in place in order to alleviate the gender dysphoria of trans folks here? (simply because those measures infringe upon your rigid social views about what’s useful in organising the population by binary sex categories?) yeah sure of course you can’t put yourself in the shoes of those that do suffer from gender dysphoria, you think it’s as simple as ‘getting rid’ of it like a common cold, don’t you, Karen?

so now they’re listing some negative-outcome scenarios should the government legalise gender recognition for transgender individuals. okay, let’s hear them:

hah, of-fucking-course the first case they present is set in an ~Extreme Religious Environment. i’m kinda kidding, kinda not. 

(i’m gonna stop quoting directly because typing full sentences of Cantonese on PC is a pain, so i’m just going to paraphrase the narrator:)

in this scenario, the narrator introduces a boy(*) struggling with gender dysphoria, who has lived many years wearing feminine clothing and hairstyles to help mask the dysphoria. finally, he(*) decides to transition, all while attending a religious (probably Catholic/Christian lbr here) school.

not likely considering our sociopolitical climate, but i’ll bite. 

(*) what the narrator really meant is an amab transgirl that had been suffering from gender dysphoria pre-transition, right?? but then i wouldn’t expect them to understand what constitutes as transphobic language and what doesn’t - not like they cared to begin with, smdh

Ah Mei has her reassigned gender affirmed on her ID. now, due to the school’s stringent religious and moral views that have always taught their students the differences between men and women--

ugh, there it is again, being so damn fixated on binary sex differences. and i see they’re pulling the moral card too, how typical

--the school cannot not obey their own teachings. therefore, under the government’s ruling, they relent and recognise Ah Mei as a girl, letting her wear her hair long, and the girl’s uniform, in accordance to their dress codes.

well, so far so good, even though there’s a ridiculous presumption there that girls must wear long hair... (whatever would someone like me do in a school like that??)

this affects the school’s 辦學自由and宗教自由.

ope, there it is!! agreeing to respect and recognise an individual’s identity is somehow an infringement on your rights - but you never think about how everyday you misgender someone like Ah Mei, or suppress her right to identify the way she needs to, is also a form of freedom infringement? i’m drained,, we’re only 1:39 into the video guys

學校課程亦因性別承認發而修改 ...... 除了教生理性別，亦要教心理性別，話人有選擇性別的自由。咁樣，���有學生都要接受這種跨性別概念的教育。

um?? again it’s not a choice, the choice to transition is a choice yeah, but being transgender and having gender dysphoria is not a fucking choice

also, it’s high time we teach the kids here the differences between sex and gender. why would you want to stay ass-backwards when it’s something that’s been clearly defined in psych circles for years now? just because our education system is lacking and doesn’t match up with international standards doesn’t mean the international standards is,, “morally corrupt”?? (i’m afraid you’ve shown your hand there, my conservative opponent.)

嚴重衝擊嗰哋不認同的家長的教育自由

again, respecting rights/freedom is a two way street, so how about you shut the fuck up and listen to our narrative for once? you are welcome to voice your dissent and debate us, but shutting us down before we even start... that’s a low blow, my guy.

they’re still going on about Ah Mei, but now they’ve opened a whole new can of worms on the locker room issue. and why, of course they’ve honed in on the detail of her pre-op genitalia. 

first of all, rude. why are you discussing an underaged girl’s body? do you even understand how creepy and invasive that is? 

secondly, what are the chances that another 泳客 will actually get a glimpse of Ah Mei’s genitals? you think transwomen really be out there flinging their junk around? they’re probably more afraid of bigots like you and have already been bolting themselves into cubicles to change.

thirdly, why do cis people always assume that all transwomen aren’t getting themselves GRS? in all their proposed scenarios they always imagine a transwoman, regardless of age, flashing ciswomen in locker rooms and exposing pre-op genitals. oh my god. setting aside the problematic as hell assumption that transwomen are somehow inherently sexually deviant (christ), what you gonna do about those that do transition surgically? your argument’s gotta account for all of them or none of them, Harold.

still going on about Ah Mei’s life in sports, and now they’re talking about hormonal differences between an amab person like Ah Mei and cis women, and how it’s unfair for women in sports. i understand this is a hot button issue right now, so i really don’t have a straight and simple answer for it either, but hey maybe we should really stop basing social activities like sports registers around sex differences? not like i’ve been dropping hints for this all throughout this post lol. 

(but for real, we already have cis women weightlifters and fighters taking T to enhance their performances anyway, so why not just start categorising sports players by their hormonal levels instead of their assigned gender at birth? sigh)

i started this thread out wanting to rebut the video point by point, but honestly, i don’t think i have the strength to today (or ever). i’m only at the 2:37 mark, but if i have to sit through another 4 minutes of this bullcrap i think i’m gonna smash something. maybe another time, satan.

(TBC?)

[enbyflock2]

TRANSform Washington Story

(A story I’m submitting to TRANSform Washington.)

CW: body dysphoria, family trauma, homophobia, transphobia

With my recent Bachelor's degree from University of Puget Sound, I have hope and anticipation for what is to come of my future. I am staying another year for the Masters in Teaching Program, and after that I am looking forward to becoming a high school band teacher in a Washington State school district.

My monikers that I want my students to address me by: Teacher Flock. Not a sir or ma’am. Not a man or a woman. Simply a person. Someone that always found gender binary monikers oppressive and limiting, because of the hard weight of what those monikers meant to me in my life experience. Pronouns to refer to me: singular “they/them/theirs.”

My identity as non-binary is inescapably tied into my identity as a musician. I experience gender dysphoria, but because of the role that music played in my life I’ve learned to love my body, and I never want to physically transition.

I still have so much more work to do for myself, and also for the trans, non-binary, and queer community at large. But I’m active and have the stamina to keep making my voice heard because I know my narrative to be true. One of the spaces for my voice is my YouTube channel, which contains many other links towards my other sources and projects in the description.

There is a lot of spiritual healing I need to keep doing, because of the situation with my family and hometown. I was raised in a white, rich, Catholic Republican family on the east side of Washington State in the town Clarkston, Washington. The neighbor town is Lewiston, Idaho, and together they make the Lewis-Clark Valley.

Many parts of my upbringing caused me tremendous pain, and still hurt me to this day. There is a haunting truth that everyone lives in their own reality, and constructs their purely internal, individual self through the constant interpersonal and institutional guise of everyone else. My reality is one where I was named after my dad Tim/Timothy, and an enforced message from my mother told me I needed to be an heir to the family in a straight, cis gender, heteronormative marriage framework.

The hardest part about my trans experience is reminding myself that sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression are all different, because the reality I happened to internalize in my home and school environment wrapped all these factors into one package. On the very basis of my gay sexuality, my home life reality automatically linked me towards a gender identity and expression that was seen as defiant and unmasculine. This enforcement was powerful and oppressive enough to internalize a relaxing and reoccurring fantasy that only certain body parts of mine needed to be feminized in order to feel whole and coherent.

But this truth can also take a beautiful turn if you look and reflect deep enough. They say gender identity is set hard at the young age range of 3-5. I was in Kindermusic, and when I talk to those Kindermusic teachers today, all they talk about are stories of how intensely dedicated and enthusiastic I was in the music making process.

If you look at what I was doing during my secondary educational experience, I was involved with several different band activities. I was also socializing myself to understand my male friends, and their love for hard rock, by listening to Frank Zappa’s music and interviews. His rock and roll and sense of humor was enough to bridge a gap in relating towards my male friends, but his extra wildness, noisiness, wit, and dissonances was enough to help me contain the raw feelings towards my body.

If you look at what I was doing during college, I was again in so many different band activities. I was also socializing myself to come to terms with my queer sexuality, sensuality, and longing for romance by listening to Kate Bush’s music and interviews. Paradoxically, she was an avant-garde pop star that was literally and overtly feminine, singing about motherhood, pregnancy, womanly sexual experience, and even menstruation.

When I look at the first time I threw on a dress my senior year of college, I slowly woke up to a scary and beautiful perspective that it was predestination that I wound up studying music. Music was addressing all of my problems as a non-binary trans person, and shifting my visual gender expressions finally made the process easier. Ease of body tensions in performance. Blending together binary traits that I had mistakenly set up so rigidly and as mutually exclusive with my dysphoria i.e. intellectual and creative, task-focused and process-focused. Reading texts in college music classes. Texts about elementary music pedagogy that talk about developing awareness for the potential of bodies and their relationships towards people, objects, space, time, and energy. Going all the way to musicological texts describing music as a medium that influences the way we perceive feelings, bodies, desires, and subjectivities. Development of sense of self through first communicating a self-dialogue within my music performances, then a reconnection of visual self-image towards my body. Telling myself, over and over again, this is why I’m here.

This is a story of incredible truth, peace, and unity that I need to keep coming back to when times get rough. When people screw up the pronouns and call me a male-centric moniker that throws me into a state of trauma, panic, discomfort, and (at the worst) that feeling of escape from my body, what helps me come down is that music triumphed and shaped my fantasies and subjectivities towards feeling that my body here is the only one I ever desire to come back to. I’m very pleased with that, and it was the conclusion that I always reached out to.

When I face those tough feelings with my mother being dissatisfied and rejecting of my narrative, I can at least remind myself that I can love her to the extent that my privileges is what made my life as a creative person possible in the first place. It was the greatest decision my parents made for me with letting me go into music.

When I talked to my dad recently, who is probably needing way more time to process this, he still gives me loving statements, such as still wanting to help financially and emotionally, calling me “genius,” and telling me he wants me to succeed in life.

My name is Timmie Flock, and I am trans, genderqueer, and non-binary. I’m a classically trained saxophonist and performer. I’m a singer-songwriter and guitarist. I’m an aspiring music educator.

Music is the place I reclaim my relationship towards my body.