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0lympia · 4 months

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dopamine - denki kaminari

summary: recovery isn’t linear or easy. it isn’t a million things, and it’s about a million other things. you know this, most of hero society knows this and sort of accepts this. doctors and physical therapists and psychiatrists know this, and preach it. you know it too.

warnings: aftermath of war, mention of injuries, therapy, denki is a good friend

wc: 2,459

"Progress isn't linear," your physical therapist reminds you. It takes every last ounce of self control to keep yourself from snapping that you know hands white-knuckling the wood of the parallel bars.

You want to scream at all your therapists and doctors and nurses that you know progress isn't linear. There's no way for you to not know when you've heard it about a hundred times a day in the six months since the war.

It's even harder to deny when you watch your classmates, fellow hero students, struggle through recovery. The depression and anxiety and PTSD had swept through the nation, and had taken down aspiring heroes and pro heroes alike in massive swathes. You'd watched as the interest in becoming a hero dwindled, no longer a fantasy pipe dream for anybody, but instead a hard earned title with terrifying, life threatening responsibilities.

"I know," You huff out, mostly out of pain and exertion, and you try to take yet another excruciating step. You know you're only moving a few inches at a time — a sad shuffle, if you're honest — but it feels like miles.

There are a few of your classmates also in the PT room, all working on one motor skill or another. Midoriya is seated at one of the tables by the window, working with his own therapist to just grip a pencil.

You'd watched the terrifying green-haired aspiring hero go from screaming and shouting through tears to quiet frustrated sniffling and stifled tears when they'd had him working on the fine motor skill of writing. It had broken your heart, knowing that prior to the war he'd spent nearly all his spare time writing in that notebook he kept. Before the war you might have offered him a smile, some gesture of encouragement, but now you could barely even take a step before the titanium pins holding your joints together jostled and pain shot through you.

You're still hunched over, bracing yourself on the wooden bars, and you can feel a tug on your gait belt as your therapist makes sure you aren't going to fall on your face. You take another sad, measly, step forward and pain races through you, from your toes all the way up through your spine and into your skull. There's a quiet shout as you do it, and for moment you think the sound came from you, but your gait belt remains relaxed.

The shout had come from next to you, Kaminari had fallen, his therapist catching him before his knees could even hit the ground.

You'd watched him struggle through therapy too. His Quirk leaving his body wracked with uncontrollable shakes and tremors. You could still recall very clearly the absolute frustration and anguish he'd expressed at one of the early class therapy sessions over his autonomy being robbed from him.

You could relate.

"Fuck!" He curses, and you can tell he's biting back tears. You take another step, and it hurts so bad a grunt of pain escapes your gritted teeth, knees buckling so hard that your therapist can't seem to react fast enough, and you barely catch yourself on the bars.

You look over at Kaminari, and he's watching you through the long fringe of his blonde hair, the black streak he dyed into nearly entirely faded out. You know he's taking stock of your injuries, the same way you're assessing him, as you ease yourself to the padded floor with a heavy sigh.

"This never seems to get any easier, does it?" He asks, and he's offering you a smile.

"No," you agree in a rasp, vocal cords scraping roughly, never to sound like they did before the war, "It doesn't."

You quickly wipe away your stray tears of pain, turning your head in hopes that you don't have to watch as his expression morphs into something like pity. Or understanding, maybe. Either way, the looks people give you now make you sick to your stomach.

You'd been beaten nearly to death. Though, who hadn't. And although you hadn't had quite as exciting a resuscitation as Bakugou had, you'd been resuscitated twice during your hospital stay. The surgeries had been intensive, not that you'd know having been practically comatose for the three weeks following the end of the war, and recovery had been painfully slow.

Your throat had been ruined, and the reconstruction hadn't been easy — or pretty. So now your voice was a shallow rasp of what it had once been, and that was an improvement from the disturbing gargle it had been at the first class therapy session.

Kaminari was eyeing the marred skin on your neck, angry raised pink and red skin whorling around your neck and up to the right side of your chin and jawline.

Again, not pretty.

"I ha-haven't—haven't seen you without ban-ba-bandages before," Denki comments quietly, and when you lift your head to offer him a wry grin he's looking away, face twisted into something that looks like shame. Or maybe it's embarrassment. You have a hard enough time picking through your own emotions without the help of your therapist to be trying to decipher anybody else's.

"Oh, yeah, sorry," You mutter despondently, a hand coming to feel at the whorls of scar tissue, "I know it's pretty nasty."

Kaminari's therapist is helping him into a wheelchair now, the same as yours, holding onto you by your gait belt.

"Nah," He says, shaking his head as he leans back into the wheelchair. Then he's wheeled out, and his therapist takes him down a hall you've never been down.

"Progress isn't linear," Denki's therapist tells him.

"I know," Denki says, and he's glad that his voice is his right now. No stuttering, no awkward stumbles, his brain firing only the synapses it needs to, "It's just— I went from having total control to having none in just a little over a day. And the worst part is I did it to myself. People would have died if I didn't, but I would still be me if I hadn't."

Denki knows he's shaking, knows because his therapist is offering him a blanket— still not able to tell when he's got tremors or when he's actually shivering. He just shakes his head at her, not sure that when he opens his mouth next he'll be able to speak.

"People would have died either way," His therapist tells him, "Had you been put in your position again, knowing what it would do to you to stay, would you do it again?"

Denki looks appalled, shocked, maybe even a little angry at the thought, "I'd do it a hundred times over if that meant we had a better chance at winning the war."

For some reason, as his therapist points to him, telling him that he's got answer right there, he thinks of you. Wonders if you'd do it all again, even with the knowledge that you'd end up potentially with the worst of the injuries.

He remembers seeing you get wheeled past him in the hospital when the war had ended. A nurse had been on top of you, doing chest compressions, and he would never forget how air had wheezed past your lips, and the noise your ribs made as they cracked from the compressions. He'd been horrified when you passed by, his classmates who could stand gasping at the state of you as you'd been wheeled by. He remembers the many odd angles your legs had bent, and the vicious burns and cuts in your neck, and how your face had been so bloodied and bruised and swollen you were unrecognizable. The only indication it was you had been your tattered hero costume, hanging off of you in shreds.

"A friend of mine," Denki starts, even though he knows todays session is coming to a close, the visual timer his indicator, "Was in even worse condition than I was after the war. I think the worst condition in our class. They're still attending classes even though they can barely walk most of the time. I know they'd do it all again, too. But I can't imagine why they'd want to suffer through all that they have again."

"Why don't you ask them that?" His therapist suggests.

The next day Denki does just that. He hunts you down on wobbling legs, world tilting as he does, after classes had ended. Despite most everybody in class still suffering mobility issues, regular classes had resumed two months after the war had ended. And despite your incredibly limited mobility, your Quirk helped you get around better than most.

The war had either drawn friends closer in the aftermath, people clinging to the bonds they already had, like Denki had done, his friendships with his classmates who were willing even stronger than they had been prior to the war. Or it did what it had done to you, the remnants of war weighing so heavily that seclusion seemed to be the only option.

Then again, most everybody had become more withdrawn in the aftermath of the war. Conversations between anybody was stilted, even amongst those who had been closer than close.

So when he'd finally hunted you down, exhausted and shaking so bad it was wonder he'd managed to find you at all, it was an odd sort of relief when you'd smiled in greeting.

You'd hidden away on dorm roof, knowing that if anybody wanted to talk to you the stairs made the process all that more difficult for most of your classmates. You waved him over, and he wobbled his way over to you trying his best to walk steady, even as a particularly bad wave of tremors came over him.

"To what do I owe the pleasure?" You'd asked in way of greeting when he'd taken a seat next to you near the edge of the roof. You even smiled at him, halfway forced, but mostly genuine, the muscles in your face atrophied from a general lack of use over the past six months.

Denki smiles in return, his mouth twitching wildly as his brain misfires, "I was hoping I could ask you something. If that's okay?"

A spark of panic runs through you, there aren't usually very many scenarios when you're asked a question that doesn't make everybody uncomfortable when you deign to answer. You spare a glance at him, searching for any signs of discomfort in his face. Finding none, you nod slowly.

"If you could go back, would you still have fought in the war, knowing what you know now?"

You stare at him, and you can already see the regret sinking into his face. You rush to find an answer. You'd had a similar conversation with your therapist before, back when the concept of survivor's guilt had been new and foreign. You had told your therapist yes, of course you would, because -

"-It didn't really feel like there was any other choice to make," The words leave your mouth involuntarily.

Your classmates had expressed similar sentiments, that they were there, what else were they supposed to do? You didn't care that you were already there, time and place had nothing to do with it. You could've been out of there in a matter of minutes.

"You could've walked away, though," Denki says, knowing the same as you that getting away wasn't the issue like it had been for most of his classmates, "You had a choice. Why did you stay?"

"I was either going to die that day or live with a lifetime of guilt. Dying seemed easier at the time."

He flinches at the mention of death, having tasted it himself, "But you didn't."

"No," You agree, "I didn't. I wrecked myself, and I'd do it all again, even as I am now if it means I can die knowing I did all that I could."

He hums, maybe with electricity, you don't know. You don't look over to check.

"Nobody would have been mad at you if you'd left."

"I would have."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Your words haunt Kaminari in the days that follow, and he makes an active effort to drag you into his friend groups activities. You let him pull you along for lunch with his friends, and you try your hardest to greet them with the same enthusiasm they did.

His friends are riddled with about the same amount of scar tissue you are, Bakugo perhaps the worst. You'd heard about his meeting with death on the battlefield with All For One. He'd sought you out maybe a month after Kaminari had integrated you into their friend group to talk about the shared experience of dying.

Then, suddenly, you couldn't seem to shake Kaminari, try as you might. He was walking with you to and from class, and the two of you did physical therapy together, even though you'd progressed to a point where you could start more intensive training and he still wobbled every other step.

So, maybe it was a two-person effort that pulled him into your life, an integral player. Or maybe it was an unhealthy trauma bond, you couldn't tell, chest still numb in the aftermath. Though, you couldn't tell if the numbness was from your anti-depressants or the war.

"I'm glad you've found a support group of sorts," Your therapist tells you at your next visit, "It's important to have friends and strong bonds in times like these."

You nod along numbly. Granted, your therapist's right, you've been feeling better since that day on the roof when Kaminari had hunted you down to ask you what nobody else seemed to want to.

"Kaminari's been a really good friend to me," You tell your therapist, "Feels like I haven't been as good of a friend as I maybe should be."

Your therapist only hums, and leaves with the advice that you should maybe do something to let Kaminari know you appreciate his friendship with you.

The next time Kaminari finds you on the roof, you're greeting him with a Pikachu phone charm and a box of his favorite cookies.

"To say thanks," you tell him, even though he doesn't ask and you don't look at him. Kaminari's chest blooms with an electric warmth and this time he's sure it's not from his Quirk.

"You should call me Denki," Is all he says, and he feels giddy at the thought, "We're friends, after all."

You hum, your legs swinging gently over the ledge of the dorm roof. You smile with no restraint when you finally return his gaze, your eyes meeting his shaking golds.

"Only if you call me (f/n), Denki."

It's like you took a shot of dopamine when he smiles in return, and says, "Okay, (f/n)."

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nomoreusername · 2 months

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How TMR Character Would Help If They Found Out You're Bipolar

(I am not trying to stereotype bipolar at all. I have it so when I use terms like mania and episodes I am basing it off of what I know. I know it's a spectrum and different for everyone, but I'm still trying to generalize it as best as I can without being disrespectful)

Doesn't know a lot about it at first so he's a little lost

Secretly looks up stuff about it so he knows and can help better

Catches on to the signs and what helps you very quickly

Never tells anybody and reminds you that you don't owe anyone an explanation for something you can't even control

Will sit in comfortable silence and hold your hand when he can tell things are getting rough

Will journal with you so that you feel connected with him but not pressured to talk

Suggests speaking to him through writing when you physically can't talk

Is very patient when you do

Would drop everything the second you needed him

Basically, he doesn't care whether you need silence or a thousand words as long as you're safe and comfortable

Notices the red flags due to his past experience

Very gently coaxes what's wrong out of you

Opens up back so you know you aren't alone in your mental health

Makes you a list of reasons to live and gives it to you for the next time your low comes

Would have an alarm for when you need to take your medication

Would drive you to and from any psychiatrist and therapists appointment

Doesn't mind when he needs to remind you to eat, sleep, or so basic things when you're going manic

Lets you know when he's worried about you without talking down to or babying you

Would help you schedule a doctor's appointment when your crash or mania is worse than usual or goes on for too long

Would be on the lookout for side effects from any new medications or treatments so he can let you know to bring them up at your appointment

All in all, your most caring and loving supporter

Can tell when you're upset about having it and will try to make jokes to cheer you up

If it doesn't work he'll sit with you in silence and hold you

Would never, ever, ever let anyone talk bad about the mental illness, even if you aren't there

Would sometimes give you too tough love (telling you that you're crashing or having an episode when you're in denial)

When he can tell that it hurt your feelings and just made you defensive he would stop and give you a minute to cool down

After that he would calmly explain why he believes that and would help with whatever you needed if he was right or if something else was going on

Could sometimes be too much when getting you out of the house and doing stuff that's good for you when you're crashing but would realize before it does any harm

Would apologize about it and spend the day laying with and comforting you

To sum it up, his love and concern can be pushy but he will always be there for whatever you need

Would have a little bit of trouble understanding at first

When you had an episode for the first time he made an internal comparison to him lashing out when angry to help with that

Would be good at knowing when you can be calmed down, when you need to be with someone, and when you need to be alone

Would be your first and most intense defender if someone starts stereotyping, being rude, or assuming things about you because of it

Sometimes he would have to catch himself when he's about to lose patience when you're having mania but gets better at it

Knows when it's better for both of you and still safe for you to separate for a little bit (around an hour or two) before helping you work through whatever it was

Would be extremely proud of you when it's very under control and would let you know but also assure you he's aware it's a cycle

Overall, the longer he's with you the better he gets at supporting you

Would sometimes struggle with not taking what you say during episodes to heart but would still understand that you didn't mean and were working on it

Would stay awake and try to soothe you to sleep when your mania causes you to stay up

If you're up for really late he would drive you around and either let you have silence until you fall asleep or talk with you to keep your mind off of it

Would be good at remembering triggers to episodes and help you avoid them

Better at helping you with crashes than mania but isn't in any way bad at either of them

Sometimes would pull away from everyone when he could tell you just needed someone to help you

Sometimes would take your mind off of it and others he would let you talk about it or would hold you when you cried

Generally, very patient and loving while giving you any reassurance you need

Has a basic understanding at first

Researches things about it and keeps what she finds in a journal

Learns and memorizes all the terms and symptoms

Keeps track of patterns she sees with mania and crashes

Has comfort food, movies, and things you'll need near her when she can tell you're going to have an episode

Will watch whatever you want with you while cuddling you until you fall asleep

Gets worried when it happens but doesn't let that blind how you're actually doing

Will eat with with you to make sure you actually are

Tells you she loves you as much as she can so you know you'll never be alone through it

To cut it short, she'll learn everything she can so that she can be everything you need

Listens to what you tell her about it and remembers every last bit of information

Would ask how it went after every psychiatrist/therapists appointment but not pry for details

Knows that even though you need a little extra help from medication or people, you're capable of looking out for yourself

Will bring you your favorite fast food every time she finds out you're not eating because of it

Sits at the table and stares at you while eating her own meal until you finish

Gets you some kind of dessert if you want it when you eat what you can

Will lay on top of you so you can't get up and walk around at night when you aren't sleeping

Sometimes tricks you into thinking her telling you to look out for yourself was actually your idea so you listen

To sum it up, she'll let you be a person while also doing what she has to to make sure you're treating yourself right

Realizes something's wrong during a crash because it reminds her of when Newt was depressed

Tells you she's worried and gets you to open up

Feels a little bad when you do since she didn't expect that answer

When she gets over it she asks if you want to tell her more about it

Listens to every single word

Tells you she loves you and how important you are what when you're finished

Generally better at helping with mania since depression brings back some memories

Will stay up late and read to you when you're manic until you go to sleep

Tells you when you're making a rash decision and suggests you sit down with her and really think it though

Will start adding a "make sure to take your medicine," into her goodmorning/goodnight texts

Notices every change in your behavior and will reassure you she'll be there if you have an episode

Essentially, she makes sure you're being logical when manic and safe when crashing

Asks what she can do to support you when you actually tell her

Makes sure to always know your answer

Would pick up your medicine for you when she sees you're running low

Reminds you when you have to make another psychiatrist or therapist appointment

Has the appointments on her own schedule so she can be ready to drive you to or from there if it ends up being a rough session

Takes you to a quiet place outside if it was to get your mind off of it

Will drive you to her place after that so you still aren't alone

Talks about things that aren't actually important but make you happy until you fall asleep in her arms

Will ask if you want to talk about it in the morning after making breakfast

Respects whatever answer you give her

Overall, she'll make sure you speak for yourself while supporting you when you can't find your voice

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tothecrucifieddeer · 2 months

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Hi there,

I just wanted to reach out to you because I've seen some of your recent posts and I'll admit that they have me a bit concerned.

I don't believe that God would be "testing" you by trying to tempt you into idolatry (worshipping the doe).

I think it would be good for you to eliminate all possibilities of what could be happening here. Share all of this with your therapist and listen to what she has to say.

If she can't find you any answers then I think the next best thing to do would be to share this with your priest and let him know that you have pursued mental health support with this. He will be able to help you with determining the origin of the doe. If it is from God, he can find you help with interpreting and handling what you're experiencing. If it's not from God, he can find you help for that too.

We are not an island, we are not called by God to live in isolation. Please please please don't try and navigate this on your own.

Pray to God for his mercy and help. Take advantage of the sacraments. If you truly are a prophet, remember that the prophets and the saints were very devout and always took advantage of their opportunities to worship and partake of the sacraments! I'll be praying for you during this time. Glory to Jesus Christ!

Hi, I really appreciate your concern, and of course prayers are always welcome! I love prayer and I will pray for you too. I worry about what is going on too--but this was all stuff in my fyp without even looking for it. God is speaking to me--not even through Doe anymore. Doe is important--and she represents a possibility if Messiah is not properly revealed--I must wait. I must proclaim his coming, but his realization, is his realization and I cannot force, whether I see it in my lifetime or not. Glory to God! Glory to Jesus Christ!

Of course, I will remain in contact with my therapist and my psychiatrist--but I am feeling much better today in receiving signs from God. It is much better to hear from God than anybody. I feel much better.

I know people have their doubts about the Doe--but she must be some kind of messenger of God--something strange and unknowable in truer sense of Earthly things--but of God. Even in its horror--even in the fear. Doe works for God. She means well and God is pleased with me.

As far as talking to a priest--that's tricky. I have some history with my Diocese--not anything like this--but some drama with a previous priest that makes me feel wary of talking to the bishop or my local priest any more than absolutely necessary.

Some of the Signs I have Received Today Alone that Seem to Say I am On the Right Track:

https://www.tumblr.com/book-of-summer/747190925871169536/god-loves-you?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/nachosforfree/757188996899160064/woman-why-do-you-involve-me?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/mournfulroses/755498544549543936/natalie-diaz-from-i-minotaur-featured-in?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/bloom-with-grace-and-faith/755177848357175296?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/proverbs31girly/747144030572412928?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/aoifecowboy/749896007542865920?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/stqrrynightss/752695908068704256/i-saw-the-decemberists-perform-this-live-a-couple?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/hiddenplacx/735146374457442304?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/apenitentialprayer/757105248062111745?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/wolfythewitch/752376331793317888/c0mmission-my-father-if-it-is-possible-may?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/redeemed-renewed-restored/754572464033529856?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/miseducatedmelanicmuse/754186194032656384?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/dorrance30/750725974394617856/the-holy-spirit?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/godslove/749740863124553728?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/sunrisebythesea/751842958327873536/fear-not-for-i-am-with-you-be-not-dismayed-for?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/wiirocku/749861448129380352/mark-923-nkjv-jesus-said-to-him-if-you-can?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/twiggy-in-pink/756847773096230912?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/saltofthearth/756955653331877888?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/wholehear-ts/756845203118342144?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/wholehear-ts/756206464581943296?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/gospel-art-project/756379988722401280?source=share

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farasen · 10 months

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Leon BPD post

Now, a little disclaimer beforehand: I'm not an expert in mental diseases nor personality disorders, I'm not a psychiatrist or even a psychologist, my knowledge is pretty surface-level. I'm not affirming anything and understand that this is a children's cartoon so the following is nearly impossible to be true, and I'm definitely not trying to offend anybody on purpose. It's just me mumbling about my headcanons, and I'll be interested in hearing your ideas about Leon's mental state, cause he's truly a character tbh.

First of all, what is BPD or borderline personality disorder? It's a mental condition in which person's has drastic mood swings, instability in relationships and self-image.

One of the biggest signs of BPD is fear of abandonment, which Leon clearly shows in s1e8. Actually this is the episode that makes you question his mental health state the most, but I digress. So, in this episode he struggles with feeling left out because of all the lies of some dude, though he never had a good reason to even consider this. That could be connected to paranoia, as he most likely assumed the worst about others and how they view him if his initial thought is that his friend are ganging up on him.

That also leads us to another sign of bpd: unclear self-image. In the same episode Leon has these moments where everyone saying that they should leave him behind and kick him out of the group. Thus, we can assume, that deep inside Leon is not that confident. Furthermore, he always does something to make himself seem to be the best. For example, s1e2 where he wants to be the one to score the final goal or s2e12 where he almost leaves the team to live his dream.

Those moments mentioned above in the 8th episode can be considered as a sign of dissociation too. That is when he breaks down after reading "Marlon's" letter. The voices he hears and the whole change of the surroundings into gray, which, I guess is an artistic choice, however, it still represents him being at his lowest and losing touch with reality.

Another very important sign of bpd is instability in relationships. That often goes along with black and white thinking, which means there's no gray area for those people. It can lead one to either adore or absolutely despise a person. And sometimes the switch can happen in the blink of an eye. Now I don't really remember Leon having a "favorite person", but he does change his attitude towards people who do not what he's expecting from them. Take s1e9 for example, Leon changes his opinion about Markus after finding out he was playing for the other team. While it seems reasonable at first, later on he still refuses to change his mind and even acts as if he doesn't know him. Or in *guess what episode* 8. Marlon immediately becomes his enemy after some lies in the school newspaper. And it's not only about his brother, but the whole team, since all of them were saying bad words about him in his delusions. Also s2e4, a moment with Willi. Yes, everyone thought he abandoned them, but Leon was the first to jump into conclusion...again.

What can also outline bpd is mood swing. Honestly, I can’t remember Leon having those, but I remember one moment from s1e3 where they all came to the field and Leon was like «screw it, I’m out». Maybe that counts as a mood swing? Also, perhaps, the way he acted in the 8th episode can also be considered as a mood swing

Speaking of impulsiveness, it’s definitely s1e1 when he challenges Siegers without thinking. Plus he gets in verbal arguments a lot, though it's more about anger issues.

Now let’s count how many BPD symptoms he has:

Fear of abandonment - yes

Unstable relationships - yes

Unclear or shifting self-image - yes

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors - yes

Self-harm. Suicidal behavior – no, but obviously you can’t put that in the kid’s show

Extreme emotional swings – mmm, even though there are some moments with it, I wouldn’t say so

Chronic feelings of emptiness - no, not really

Explosive anger - yes

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality – yes

6/9 which is enough to get diagnosis.

Another question that can occur: why is he like that?

Well, things that cause BPD can be different, but we wanna look at the child neglect. I’ve already talked about Wessel’s family, but I feel like I need to mention it again. So my theory is that their mother left when they were still at the young age, so their dad had to raise his sons by himself. That could’ve caused trauma for Leon, which later progressed into BPD.

In conlusion,

And I think that’s all I wanted to say. Idk, if you liked this stuff I might do a similar thing with the rest of the gang.

#die wilden kerle #dwk #dwk animated series #die wilden kerle animated series #dwk leon #long post #analysis

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123puppy · 1 year

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Baby Yakko- Where art thou sibs?

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!!!”

Two days. From those days that require paperwork to be filled out, to the sleepless nights that should be Plotz’s one true relief from life for the next 8 hours before the sun comes up, his ears, which are ready to fall off from his headache- induced head, were forced to listen to the baby sitting on his desk.

He had sent Wakko and Dot away but kept Yakko here to discuss his stay with his new caretakers. The moment the two siblings left, Yakko immediately tuned out everything and sat stoic still, staring at the door where his siblings had been. Scratchy couldn’t get him to move or speak for the first hour and moving him was no good. The Psychiatrist had the bite marks to prove it.

Scratchy also had to endure the wrath of Yakko’s endless screaming, but wasn’t surprised by the reaction. He predicted this would happen and warned Plotz about separating the child from his siblings. Yakko developed a strong bond with his siblings since day one and didn’t respond to anybody but them, not even Scratchy who Yakko clung to when he was first created.

The tiny Warner only voiced one word, “Sibs?” and when he didn’t get an answer regarding his siblings, he’d go back to staring at the door and ignoring other responses the two older men wanted to coax out of him.

Then everything came crashing down when Plotz angerly replied to Yakko “They aren’t coming back!” and that was all that Yakko could process. His shock soon became despair and it all started to set in. A long drawn out whine was how it started, then the tears began to fall just as Scratchy stood up, hands raised helplessly as he struggled to find the words to calm the distressed baby.

But the damage was done.

The force of his screaming wail took the old men aback, covering their ears to block out the awful sounds coming from Yakko as the glass of water shatters on Plotz’s desk and the windows crack, sending a large splinter across every last one before the glass crumples to the ground.

Nothing could stop the grating sound, for two days.

Until Yakko felt it. The warmth of someone’s touch on his cheek. Some of his senses came back to him and he can make out a soft gentle voice asking for his attention.

He wails have lessened, giving him room to whine and hiccup loudly as his eyes open, seeing a pair of sky blue eyes that held so much kindness and concern. He flinches and the hand on his cheek draws back but the lingering ghost of their fingers keeps him grounded as he sniffles and rubs his eyes. It doesn’t do much good as his face is damp and clumped with snot, but his vision is a bit more clearer and he can see the figure is a woman.

“There we go.” Her voice is hypnotic. Yakko can’t help but stare at her, forgetting his despair for just a moment.

“Here. This will help you feel a little better.” Something dry rubs against his cheek and wipes under his nose. “Blow.”

He doesn’t know why he was compelled to listen but he does as he was told. That did feel a little better.

His face gets wiped clean and dry and he looks up to be greeted by the woman as she tucks the soiled rag in her pocket. She looks familiar...

“I’m so glad you made it, Heloise.” Said Scratchy.

Ah! The pretty lady he caught glimpses of when he would hide behind Scratchy.

“Finally!” Voiced Plotz. Yakko flinched and whimpers. Just hearing the tiny angry man’s voice is sending Yakko into another panic attack.

The warm touch is back and Yakko instantly calms. He subconsciously leans into Heloise’s hand.

The two employees are suddenly nodding as if Plotz has given them directions with Yakko’s back turned away from him because Heloise is scooping him up in her arms and giving him the brightest smile he’s ever seen. He almost didn’t notice the hushed voices Scratchy and Plotz are having as he’s being brought towards the door his siblings have left from. Leaving the office, Yakko recognizes the room. It’s the same place he and his siblings played in before Scratchy had called them in the office. But his siblings weren’t here!

He hears Heloise talking to him but he doesn’t listen. All that’s racing in his mind are his siblings.

He had to find them.

#baby yakko au #au #animaniacs #my writing #writing #yakko warner #dr scratchansniff #thaddeus plotz

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jelizasoiz · 10 months

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Anybody tried anafranil? Does that make you gain weight? I f need to know because paxil is good but makes me bloated. I'm scared of gaining weight because of my ED. My psychiatrist do not seem to care about my ED AT ALL 🤬 otherwise will switch to duloxetine idgaf

#anafranil #mental hospital #psych ward #me #help

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bruce-wayne-simp · 1 year

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Like Minds

Hey hi hello im about to watch Like Minds (aka Murderous Intent) and apparently the only way i can watch movies now is by liveblogging them so 🤷‍♀️

(Maybe expect the LotR trilogy next idk)

Like with Remainder i have a vague idea what this movie is about. Well, maybe a bit more of an idea what this is about. All i know is there are 2 teenage murderers and a TON of homoeroticism (not canon i think but youre crazy if you dont see it)

Also this liveblog/my watching of Like Minds was heavily sped up by @catlovingwitch who sent me a lovely ask which fuckign FUELED me to do this so thank you v v much ❤️❤️❤️

Once again, i am a T Sturridge stan so this will probably be very heavy on him. Unless over the course of this i become an Eddie Redmayne stan

Spoilers be ahead

Idk why im like. Anxious? Whatever.

Its starting aaaaaa

Eddie R screaming on a train (hes thrilled)

Ooh theyre stealing stuff?? T Sturridge isnt here yet

(The way its set up is Alex (Eddie) is captured by the police and is basically giving them The Backstory™️ which is where Nigel (Tom) comes in)

Oh shit he killed Nigel

Ok so psychiatry lady is here and her name is Sally

God Alex looks so young

Ooh this is interesting and actually really good

Flashback starting

THERES NIGEL god hes pretty

Lmaooo Nigel is the new kid and hes Alex's roommate and Alex is kinda pissed lol

Thats what you get when you snoop. Alex was looking in Nigels trunk and found a taxidermied cat(??)

Lmao Nigels in the doorway like 'Do you mind?'

Oh hes so concerned about his taxidermy

'Hes weird' they say as they explode a cockroach for fun

Lmao Nigel reads books about anatomy/autopsies?? yikes

Oof Alex is pulling the misogyny card. Hes telling the psychiatrist lady shes running out of time to have kids 💀 sir youre not helping your case

"Nigel got what he wanted." "And what was that?" "Eternity."

Sally is Over It. She doesnt think Alex is guilty

Shes listening to the tape she recorded from her talk with Alex and is like 'hmmmm'

Back to flashbackss

Oh god Nigels dissecting a bird IN THE DORM ROOM

Lmaooooo i love Nigel

Alex is PISSED and is like 'the least you can do is show me some common courtesy' and Nigels like '??? K.'

Well that interview just went to shit

So Alex was kinda taunting Sally but mostly the detective dude. So detective guy comes in and is like 'Gunshot residue says you were holding the gun when it went off'

Alex asks to see his father, the detectuve is like 'he cant help you', Alex panics a little, grabs Sallys wrist snd is like 'Nigel was holding the gun when it went off, i didnt do this' and the detective dude loses it and punches him and Alex is dragged off to lockup kicking and screaming

Apparently Nigel ALSO had GSR on his hands so anybody couldve pulled the trigger

Yall need to watch this fucking movie

Ok so basically a guard runs back in and is like 'He wants to talk'. Well actually hes holding 2 guards hostage w a police baton and is pleading to be let out of the cell. He fights the guards, loses and Sally shows up as hes on the ground being cuffed again. They sit him on the bed, Alex insists he didnt kill Nigel and then starts talking about someone being 'here' and 'listening' and Sallys like '???'

Ooh ok so Alex thinks someone is talking to him im his head?? Does he think Nigel is?? We are at a flashback btw

Wait did they already steal stuff off the train??

Alex youre a bit of a brat lmao

Wait was he stealing stuff for his dad????

Ok Alex and his friends are kind of dicks

Ooh Alex is challenging the pastor dude who is teaching religious history i assume

Nigel is looking at him like hes kinda in love

HOOOO CHECK AND MATE. GET REKT PASTOR DUDE

Lmaooo Nigel keeps dead things in jars. He has a big thing of formaldehyde hanging up lmaoooo

You know what i actually kind of agree with Alex. I mean thats p reasonable

(The Headmaster (who seems to be fond of Alex) sees Nigels collection of dead animals and is trying to justify why Nigel is there and allowed to stay. Alex is the first quote)

"He's a part of your club and nobody else wanted him so youre doing the 'brotherly' thing. Yeah well does my future depend on that?"

"Thats enough-"

"No, you dont give a fuck about me or this guy the only thing that you care about-"

"Thats enough!"

"-is the amount of kudos his father's-

"I said enough!"

"No, which is fine, but just dont give me the 'brotherhood' bullshit."

Then the headmaster slaps him and is like 'This boy will be made welcome' and walks out lol

Oooh theres Nigel

Lmao he walks in, slides in behind Alex, grabs his notebook off the desk and walks out, visibly amused.

Jfc Nigel is making psychological notes on Alex and his friends

"This little shit needs to be taught a lesson"

Alex's friend, Josh, is a pos. He just made a literal Nazi joke. To Alex's credit he tells him to knock it off

At least one of his friends has 2 braincells.

Are they straight up chloroforming Nigel??? Wtf

They dragged him onto the train unconscious

Oh shit Alex is like holding him outside of the door while the steel beams to the side are rushing past them. Nigel seems out of it tbh cause hes not freaking out

Josh is lighting firecrackers and tossing them out of the train and he dropped one and freaked so Alex and Nigel got back in. Nigel went to walk away and Alex pushed him up against the wall like 'Where do you think youre going??'. Nigel just spit in Alex's face and Alex punched Nigel

Oooooohhhh shit Alex leaned Nigel out of the door again and Josh started freaking out and told him to let Nigel go and the handle Josh was holding onto the train with BROKE

Oh shit Nigel just let him fall

Like he straight up waved his hand over Josh's hand to taunt him i guess and he got sucked out of the train wtf

I feel like the thing to keep in mind here is all of this is being told by Alex and hes Not a reliable narrator

WAIT THE HEADMASTER IS ALEX'S FATHER???

Oh yeah Alex is an unreliable narrator for SURE. Besides some fondness there was 0 mention of him being Alex's father. Or maybe im just dumb which is entirely possible. Likely, in fact.

Lmao Nigel staring at Alex like a freak at Josh's funeral until his dad nudges him like 'Knock it off'

Alex's dad eyeing Nigel as he walks away

Alex and Nigel arent roommates anymore

Nigel reading basically smut in front of class (in front of Alex 😏😏) classy smut im sure but still

Alex is watching rehearsals of the play and Nigel comes up super close like 'sorry about ur friend' and is kinda. Creepy and morbid about it. Which tracks

I think its interesting that TS's facial expressions and delivery here is SO reminiscent of his role as Dream. Ive seen him make these EXACT expressions in The Sandman while talking. Its odd seeing them on a younger face tho (not in a bad way)

Oh my god Alex just got a human hand in a package. 3 guesses as to who its from? (I assume. I dont actually know. Im not gonna do my boy Nigel dirty like that)

Alex vomited and hes telling Sally that when he got back it was gone

Nigel comes into Alex's room, gives him some papers to help with his essay while Alex is yellimg at him to get out and leaves lmaoooo

My boy Nigel doesnt deserve the slander 😤😤

"How did he know i was struggling with my essay?" Youre a dumbass and hes smart

"How did he know my topic?" Idk maybe if you made an effort to know him youd find out. Im sure Nigel can be charming when he wants to be but hes not gonna be on guard 24/7 so you got to see the spooky shit hes into when you were roommates

"I mean he had answers to questions i hadnt even thought of yet." Omg could Nigel be... Smart?? Impossible. Only idiots study anatomy and dissect things. 🙄 CMON ALEX

Jfc Alex you are dramatic as hell. Hes comparing using Nigels notes to 'selling his soul'. Just get the easy A my guy

Me every time Nigel comes on screen: 🥰🥰🥰

Nigel and the dog im DECEASED

The dog doesn't like ALEX oooooo

Dogs know who you really are 🧐🧐🧐

"I've never brought anybody here before. You're the first. Okay? First."

Nigel just wants to be friends 😭😭 he brought Alex to his hideout and the first thing he asks is 'Do you like it?' 😭😭😭😭😭

Oh jfc Nigel is as crazy as Alex

God that LOOK he gives when Alex is flipping through the book. You cannot convince me Nigel isn't in love with Alex

"An implement for killing. That's what I am." N I G E L

Jesus. Alex thinks Nigel is in his head.

Alex just asked a girl (Susan) out on a date and Nigel came up afterward all friendly and tried to give him a book and Alex completely cut him off

Poor Nigel :(

Ok also poor Alex but i don't feel as bad for him cos hes an ass

Holy shit did Nigel kill someone?? Alex woke up and someone threw a knife on his desk stuck to a Jack playing card with blood

Oh my god its Susan (that girl Alex was gonna go on that date with)

Nigel this doesnt look good for you buddy

Nobody's accusing him but she was kinda.... dissected. Its pretty graphic if you watch this movie just be aware

Oh shit she was in the school greenhouse

I think Alex did it. Hear me out. Hes the one telling this story. If he did it, hes gonna tell the story in a way that makes Nigel look bad. Nigel, conveniently enough, cannot say anything otherwise. Cause he's dead. I think at the very least he did kill Nigel but telling the story this way makes him the hero for killing the big bad serial killer.

Ok back to the movie the knife and the card are gone from his desk and Alex is looking for Nigel.

Now the detective is getting statements from all the students who saw Susan before she was killed

Oooooh Alex got caught in a lie

'Ooh I sense some hostility' just kiss him already JESUS

OH SHIT. Nigel is remorseful about what happened and Alex was like 'You did it. Didn't you?' And Nigel says 'No, Jack. You did.'

(Jack is a nickname. It's explained in the movie i just don't feel like rehashing it sorry)

Alex punched him

"Well im sorry Jack but you were the one who got inside my head." OHHHHH FOLIE A DEUX

Nigel: You can fix him? I can make him worse <3

And we love him for it

Something something criticism of upper class structures (see: quote above about 'brotherhood'), parents being not involved in their kids lives and not seeing obvious signs of mental illness due to that (Nigel's... everything and Alex's authority issues, sense of grandeur and family issues)

This scene is where Alex's dad tries to get the detective to drop the charges and tries to use his connections to the detectives father to do so but he refuses to drop it.

Oh shit apparently theres no evidence Nigel did anything to Susan

Also apparently the detectives cant find Nigels parents so 🤨

Hmmm

Sally is gonna look at Nigels hideout

Damn Nigel had a TON of notebooks

Oh SHIT Nigel had photos of a sleeping girl

Nigel its really hard to defend this i hope you know that

Oh fuck theres a dead body under Nigels house

Apparently 2??

ALEX DID IT. FINAL ANSWER.

Nigel showed Alex the hideout!! Alex was the FIRST and ONLY person (besides Nigel) who knew about it!!! The bodies were fresh!!!! Alex did it. Nigel my babe ill defend you to the death Alex is a psycho

Its ride or die for Nigel Colbie in this house

Aww Nigel introduced Alex to his parents

"Helen and John, this is my best friend Alex. Hes working on the play." Oh yah rich ppl are fucked up. Imagine introducing your parents to your friend by their FIRST NAMES 🤮

Ooh he just read Nigels bible

Nigel thinks hes directly descended from the Knights Templar

See, Alex seems to be reading this like it's his first time seeing all of it. But HE BROUGHT IT UP FIRST. In that class with the pastor earlier. Nigel was watching him. This was right before Nigel started pursuing him (and i don't think this was how it happened. Hold on i'll talk about it later. I think Alex went after Nigel. And I've seen other people think this as well)

Alex's mother died while giving birth to him and he told his father that her death was his fault since he got her pregnant 😬

Oh god

Ok so

Sally found a card that said 'My beloved Maraclea' and Alex is telling her who Maraclea is

Maraclea was the lover of a knights templar in the 13th century who died and the knights templar. Uh. Had sex with her dead body. And basically 9 months later he goes back and her skull is moved from her shoulders to on top of her thigh bones which are crossed. He has to protect the skull bcs itll give them grest fortune or whatever

While hes telling her this theres a flashback to Nigel and Alex meeting up at night and uh. Theyre in a morgue.

I dont like where this is going 😣

Oh fuck its Susan

Is. Is Alex gonna necrophile Susans body

Did he do it???

Hes saying Nigel took him there to basically recreate the whole Maraclea thing but its ambiguous as to if he actually did it

Holy shit thats fucked up

So Alex is watching through the window

Nigels father found those photos that Sally found and. Um. I think those are of Nigels mother actually.

Implied incest/CSA warning (im gonna italicize it. Skip the italicized part. Nothing graphic and not even really explicitly abuse but theres an accusation being made basically. CSA bcs Nigel is 17)

Nigel is in his bed and so is his mother. Shes in a slip and hes in pajamas and his father is holding a gun and yelling and basically accusing them of sleeping together (tho Nigel is 17 and also thats his mother so uh. Yeah.)

Tbf it only incidentally looks like that and she claims they were just talking. But also i have no reason to trust her so uh. Yeah.

Oh my god

Nigels father just shot his mother right next to him.

Holy fuck.

Alex came in and grabbed the gun and asked Nigel what hes done and Nigel said she was 'chosen'

Alex points the gun at Nigel and Nigels dad gets in between them and is shot by Alex

Oh my god wtf

'Ill have my Maraclea' What. In the actual. Fuck.

And he just. Casually dumps his fathers organs into the fire.

"Dont you think they're gonna be missed?"

"Well as long as they dont find her nine months it doesnt really matter, does it?"

🤮🤮🤮🤮

Nigel i cant defend this.

Oh god Alex did it too with Susan

Tom Sturridge angry with a shotgun is something i didnt know i needed but im glad i have it

Oh shit they both did it

Nigel used Alex to kill himself

Holy shit

Alex had the shotgun pointed at Nigel and Nigel is very obviously upset and doesnt understand why Alex thinks hes the crazy one.

He told Alex to pray for him, reached up and pulled the trigger while Alex was holding the gun

ALEX WALKED????

HOLY SHIT ALEX IS MAKING HIS OWN BIBLE

HE LEFT AN ENVELOPE ON SALLYS CAR AND IN IT THERES A JACK CARD THAT SAYS 'MY BELOVED SUSAN'

Holy fuck he broke into Susans tomb and took her skull

Holy shit hes doing the same thing Nigel did to him to someone else

Roll credits

Ok ok ok wow so um.

I dont think Nigel did it

Well ok. I think the truth is somwhere in the middle. Alex is putting a lot of blame on Nigel for someone who may or may not have killed 2 people to Nigel's 1

God its so hard to collect my thoughts about this film. Also its like 2 am so uh. That doesnt help.

I think Alex had a more dominant role than he let on. Also considering how quick he was to pick up the mantle, idk. I just know while watching this i was surprised by how much Alex killed even as Nigel called himself an instrument for killing. All Nigel did that we know for certain was let a kid fall out of a train. Alex straight up shot Nigels father.

Nigel is more quiet and reclusive and morbid and Alex is more intelligent and outgoing.

Of course Alex makes a point to emphasize how morbid Nigel is and ive already pointed out how i think Alex is an unreliable narrator. Alex is smart. He knew how he needed to tell the story and he succeeded. He got off scot free.

Unfortunately i dont think Nigel would have been able to do that. Nigel was smart but not as smart as Alex. He would have slipped up

So what happened to Susan? I keep going back and forth on this. I think it could go either way. But i hate to say it. I think Nigel did it. This whole thing kinda goes back to the Maraclea thing and Nigel knew about it already. So he kills Susan and guts her so Alex has his Maraclea and he goads his father into killing his mother so he 🤮 has... his...

Basically i think Nigel is more evil but Alex had a bigger part than he lets on

Its v v complicated. Or its just 2 am idk. (respectfully) Leave your thoughts if you feel so inclined

Oh my god he said Alex killed her because in Nigels mind he chose Susan as his Maraclea oh good lord

(But Nigel is pretty and fictional so we'll give him a pass)

Im definitely rewatching this at some point. Its actually really good

Ok thats all lol bye im gonna go see if theres Like Minds fanfic

#tom sturridge #like minds #eddie redmayne #murderous intent #tw necrophillia #like. its kinda In There so uh. yeah

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nailgunstigmata · 1 year

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she chars my mac until i den. hey btw does anybody know a good psychiatrist

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fox-buried-in-maple-leaves · 2 years

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Fungus - loneliness that causes the search for comfort in anyone

He'd always been a lonely man. Introverted from childhood to adulthood. His inability to really connect with others seemed to hinder him, making it all that much worse. Then jail. Jail didn't help. No, it made things worse. He was lonelier than ever. At least he got out, a deal. If he could really even call it that. A tortured artist now a tool.

But he was allowed to see more than the psychiatrists, more than his handler. He even had a friend, Sabine. But he was still lonely, he missed a certain touch. A certain way of being viewed. He missed her. The woman whose face haunted his dreams and whose voice haunted his waking hours. He wanted to be loved, needed, of use in a certain way.

Maybe that's why he turned out this way. Desperately trying to find comfort in another's arms. Dark rooms, hushed voices, needy grabbing. Within the Protocol, he could leave base whenever he wanted. He didn't have to stay behind, didn't have to lock himself away with his art supplies. He was allowed more leniency.

And he used that to his advantage. Between online apps and dingy bars, he found what he needed. Comfort with someone else, someone who didn't know him below the surface. Someone who would compliment him, call him handsome, tell him he's good at what he does. They don't know. They never really know. He doesn't even give them his real name or his new one. Always fake names. Always fake personalities.

You were the closest. You knew him as Eloi, at least. But beyond that? He didn't even let you see him. No, every meeting was dark. He said it was a preference. To conduct his business in the dark. It was the only shield he had from his flesh. The tattoos that lined his skin, like a calling card. He always hid them. His connection to his past. To who he was. Who he is.

"Eloi?"

He inhaled the cigarette, exhaling the smoke away from where you stood in the bathroom doorway. Was it exactly what he wanted? No. He wanted to be himself, wanted to be seen. Eloi searched for that comfort in anybody, everybody. From Pua and his antagonistic friendship, to Viper and their friendship, to.. Well. He wasn’t sure what that counted as. He inhaled the cigarette again.

You wrapped the robe tighter around your body, the man you invited into your apartment laying in your bed, quietly smoking. Only his lips were illuminated by the cigarette, a dull orange hue reflected onto his skin. “Yeah?” He finally responded, reaching over to ash the cigarette in an empty can of beer. And with the cigarette now in the can, the room was completely dark.

You didn’t really understand his preference, but you respected it. You always figured he was just shy, though he had no reason to be. He was gorgeous after all. You’d felt the raised skin on his torso, tattoos and scars, he’d told you. You were always curious to see the art that seemed prevalent on his body. But, maybe that was what he hid.

You didn’t know. You didn’t ask. You barely knew him. At least he didn’t up and leave immediately after, no, you found he was usually gone in the morning. But that was at least somewhat more acceptable, you figured the daylight scared him or something. Ah, too much thinking, you could feel his eyes on you in the dark.

“It’s nothing.” You’d forgotten what you wanted to ask him. If you remembered you’d just ask later. It mustn’t have been important. You found your way to the bed, sliding into the sheets next to the man. Eloi’s arm wrapped around you, your head coming to rest on his warm chest. His heartbeat was always calm, relaxed.

Eloi stared at the dark wall opposite to your bed, violet eyes unblinking as you got comfortable against him. Being wanted was nice. This sort of comfort was nice. But it did naught to truly satisfy him. He ran his fingers through your hair, exhaling quietly. You were comfortable against his chest, a warm presence, always nice to him.

He just wished he could be satisfied.

#☾*✲⋆. creatio ex chao #☾*✲⋆. fates' will #⋆｡°✩ artisan #artisan x reader

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arkhamsorderly · 2 years

Note

May I ask why you became an orderly in Arkham? Did you want to? Did you just need quick cash or did you want a different position but settled for orderly? I’m aware you don’t need to be a psychiatrist to understand that if the rogues were just treated as what they are, human, that they’ll be nicer and such but you sound like a better therapist than half of the staff who were hired for that job! To do that exact thing, Help them! Instead of being rude to them like Bolten does.

This is the only thing I will say in Bolton‘s defense, which is that I think his need to keep these people locked up at any cost is the result of some sort of trauma. I wouldn’t know exactly what it is, but if I had to take a guess, that would be why. So “we have to keep them away from polite society” isn’t an unreasonable leap in logic for him to go to. Does it help anybody? No. But does it seem safe to him? I’m sure it does. He still drives me up the wall, though.

Anyway, to actually answer your question, I started working here for the money. I didn’t expect to come in contact with any of the rogues, and at first I didn’t really want to. But we’re so understaffed that I probably should’ve figured that I’d be working with at least some of them.

If you spend enough time with someone, even the worst person in the world, you’re eventually going to feel something for them. Whether that’s empathy, or understanding, or maybe even trust comes down to the situation. But it’s unavoidable. So I came here initially because I needed the money, but I stayed here because I realized that a good amount of our staff would probably be fine seeing these people suffer. And I’m not going to give them the opening to make that happen. (And also sometimes it can be almost… fun. I mean, who else can say that they’ve debated the merits of Justin Bieber with Harley Quinn?)

#asks

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servin-up-surveys · 12 days

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survey #239

Have you ever had the chicken pox? No.

Have you ever been evicted? Yes, because Mom couldn't keep up with rent.

Would you grow your own garden? IDEALLY I would like to... but I know I wouldn't be consistent with it, so.

Do you know anyone who snores? Me, my mom, I know my dad did when he actually lived with us.

What is your favorite font? I like Garamond.

Would you have liked to have lived during the Victorian times? Hard pass.

Do you like deviled eggs? Absolutely not, I won't touch the yolk.

What time do you usually wake up? Lately it's been like, 11-ish, which is wild when you consider how early I go to bed. I think it's because I have absolutely zero desire TO wake up lately, my body just sleeps until it can't possibly sleep anymore.

What made you feel most accomplished in your life so far? Healing from my trauma as much as I think is possible.

What can’t you afford but wish you could? I wish Mom could have a new car. I wish we could afford a house we actually like and feel at home in. I wish I could afford insurance that isn't Medicaid because good doctors don't fucking take Medicaid apparently. I never wouldn't lost my irreplaceable psychiatrist if I hadn't lost my old insurance.

What is your favorite type of museum? Those with fossil displays.

Have you ever been inside the Statue of Liberty? No.

What is your favorite book you’ve read this year? I THINK I read The Testaments by Margaret Atwood in the past year. That was great.

Do you think animals really have emotional feelings? Or do you not? Yes, or at least some semblance of them in their own way.

Have you ever written a movie review online before? Which movie(s)? No.

Do you ever feel super shitty about your appearance? Daily.

Do you know any computer programming languages? No.

When was the last time you were in a really bad situation? The past month. I've been in the worst mental state I've been in since 2016.

When you were a teenager, did your parents set rules about dating? I mean, I had a curfew when I was out with somebody. That's about it.

Have you ever committed a crime that directly harmed another person? No.

What is your biological sex? Female.

Are you in a heterosexual relationship? I'm not heterosexual, but my relationship technically is. It's a cis woman and cis man.

You and your best friend get in a fight. Why do you think that is? It's hard to say because we haven't gotten into many arguments. But if I had to make a theory judging by our past ones... maybe an insensitive joke was made and my feelings were hurt.

You see the person you fell hardest for. What do you do? Avoid him.

Have/are you depressed? I have chronic depression and have been extremely depressed lately.

Did you grow up in the United States? Tragically.

Do you call anybody ‘baby’? Rarely Girt, and I regularly call Venus (my snake) "baby girl."

Do you wear earrings on a normal basis? Yes.

Would you pay someone to kill the person who hurt you a lot? I would never do such a thing.

How are you feeling right now? Today has - VERY THANKFULLY - been better that any day in like... the past month, so I'm extremely grateful for that. I'm cherishing it while it lasts.

Are you drifting away from someone you were close with? Not currently.

Is there someone you’d like to fix things with? No.

What are you listening to? I'm watching/listening to a let's play of jacksepticeye playing Still Wakes the Deep.

Have you ever stayed in a hotel? Yes, but it's been many years.

Have a best friend? He's my boyfriend, so I don't know if that "counts" in your eyes, but yes.

Does it bother you when your best friend does stuff without you? No, he's allowed to have his own life.

Last person to send you a text? My little sister. I saw her today so I wanted to say how happy I was to hang out with her for a bit and that I love her.

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning? I initially woke up a bit after 8:00 and went to the bathroom before fighting for more sleep because I had no desire to be up.

Have you done anything embarrassing lately? Today, but I'd rather not talk about it. No one wants to know.

Do you trust easily? lol no

Do you like cookies n’ cream ice cream? Sure, but it's not what I go for.

What color shirt are you wearing? I have on a red tank top.

Are you a mean person? I definitely don't think so. I don't think anyone is exempt from being able to do mean THINGS now and then, but I don't think that makes them a mean person overall. We're just humans that don't always do the right thing, no matter how hard we try.

Does anyone hate you? I can name two.

Do you usually tell people when you’re mad at them? No.

Have you ever liked someone older than you? Yes, but not too much older. At least for people I seriously liked, not any celebrity "crushes" that don't even really count.

Have you ever played Marco Polo? Yes; my sisters and I played this a lot in the pool as kids.

Do you know anyone who is a vegetarian? Uh... I might, idk.

Who was last mean to you? My mom was recently extremely upset and verbally took some frustration out on me when talking.

What was the last video game you played? The Resident Evil 4 remake.

How do you dry your hair? I towel dry to start and then just let the air take care of the most of it.

What did you have for breakfast? Are you even a breakfast person? I had Reese's Puffs cereal, even though my breakfast routine has been so fucked lately because I haven't been wanting cereal AT ALL. I haven't been wanting a lot of food options lately, which has really sucked because I'm having to force myself to eat.

Have you left the house at all today? Where did you go and what did you do? Yes, thank god. I went with my mom and sister to El Tap for a late lunch/early dinner.

Who was the last person you spoke to online? Do you know them in person or not? Girt, and yes.

If you could change any law that exists in your current country, what would it be and why? Abortion is legal fucking nationwide again. I still cannot fucking believe we ever went back on this.

What's your favourite way to eat potatoes? As French fries.

When was the last time you met someone new? What were the circumstances and did you get along? Recently, when joining the Linklu server. I got to meet lots of Pancake's friends. <3

What will you be eating for your next meal? Will you be cooking, eating out or ordering a takeaway? My next meal will be breakfast tomorrow, and realistically it'll probably be cereal, even if I haven't wanted cereal.

Which Harry Potter film was your favourite? What about your least favourite? fuck that entire franchise

Are you afraid of walking alone at night? I WOULD be terrified if I actually did this.

Favorite dried fruit? I hate dried fruits.

Would you rather wear a dress or a suit on your wedding day? Dress.

If you chose dress, will it be long or short? Long.

If you chose suit, will you wear a bow or a tie? N/A

Have you ever wanted to be a police officer? Big nope.

Do you have a nut allergy? No.

How often do you cook dinner? Literally never.

Ever had bangs? I did as a child.

Have you ever dated someone LGBT+? Yes, a demisexual.

Last time you went to Pizza Hut? It's been years I think, Pizza Hut definitely isn't a go-to.

Do you hear owls or crickets at night where you live? Crickets, yeah.

Are you scared to ride public transport alone? Why? I WOULD be if I took public transport.

Did you own a dollhouse when you were younger? No, but my younger sister did. Dolls weren't my thing.

Do you have a favorite sibling? No.

Best year of your life? 2017. It's WILD to me that year started with a suicide attempt.

How do you like your eggs if you like them at all? Only scrambled.

Are both your eyes the same color? Yes.

Opinion on brussel sprouts? Fucking disgusting, I will not touch them.

How many followers do you have on Instagram? Not very many on my personal, it's private and I have to approve whoever even tries to follow me.

How about Twitter? Fuck Twitter, I don't use it.

How much would I have to pay you to get you to do karaoke? A fucking ton, I'd be humiliated.

What is your religion? I'm an atheist, so I don't have one.

#survey #surveys

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tothecrucifieddeer · 16 days

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UPDATE: 09/05/24

I want everyone to be aware that I am in contact with my mental health team--I don't trust anyone but my therapist--and I don't trust meds--and I certainly don't trust my caseworker or state funded psychiatrist--they're nice but state-based care hasn't been kind or easy on me in the past. I don't wanna change my meds anyway--it's probably my fault but these seemed to only work for about five years and then fried my brain and all the obsessive thoughts and behaviors--well they returned and I'm tired of switching meds;

it'd be easier if I wasn't tortured by what is right and wrong and what sounds insane and what people think of me and a billion other things and I just want my friend Messiah back, but he has been out of my life for six years and probably hates me and so does the diocese and I just wanna be a good person. Fuck. I just wanna be a good person. I'd give God my flesh if it would help Messiah. And I work so hard at not contacting him. He doesn't need me. He doesn't want me. And I do everything God asked if it really meant anything was gonna change. I never meant for anything to happen.

And if I could save the world--I would. I would. I don't want nothing. I just want to sleep at night and to go home. Sometimes God holds this place over my head--tells me I'll get to be in a land where there are no consequences--where it is all play pretend and then the anger and rage and pain--I can pay it back tenfold. I'd never do it tho. That's just not right. And sometimes He tells me I am turning into a TV character and that my wildest dreams are gonna come true. And that I'm gonna be loved. I'm gonna be so loved.

I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't. I just want to be free. Really free. I'd filet a pound of thigh for that. For freedom. Hell yeah. I'd do it to protect Messiah too. I'd do it save everyone. Make the world clean and happy and like Eden again. Just for my thigh? Just for a pound of my thigh? I know it sounds crazy. I know God doesn't actually want that--but doesn't it just sound nice--one last hurt and everything is all good again. Doesn't it just sound so nice?

I'd let a man beat the shit out of me for less--so why shouldn't I give God the flesh he wants? Isn't suffering love? Isn't it how we love Jesus--and by that--isn't suffering how I should repay Messiah. I love you, Messiah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. But especially sorry that I am not strong enough to give you the flesh God wants for you. I am most especially sorry that I can't bring a hand against you or me, no matter how much God begs. I hope you're doing okay. I hope you know I do love you even if I fail every day to do the one thing God asks. It's always compromises from me. Always, always.

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twittercomfrnklin2001-blog · 1 month

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Screaming Mimi

A few years back, I did a conference paper on gender issues in films dealing with burlesque. I had planned to make my focus three films that were more burlesque-adjacent but had interesting plot similarities. In each, a beautiful woman works for a lesbian and has to deal with being stalked. I call it “The Stalking Trilogy.” I had to cut one, however, because on reexamination I realized the leading lady wasn’t really a performer (somehow my memory had added a scene of her doing an exotic dance). Anyway, a young friend and I have been taking turns introducing each other to movies, and I decided it was time to share “The Stalker Trilogy” with him in the order in which I covered the first two and would have covered the third.

Despite terrific black and white cinematography by Burnett Guffey and the always welcome presence of Gypsy Rose Lee, Gerd Oswald’s SCREAMING MIMI (1958, YouTube) isn’t what anybody would consider a good movie, but its treatment of gender is fascinating. It really could be called “Watching Anita Ekberg.” She enters coming out of the surf in a black swimsuit. While she showers, she’s attacked by an escaped lunatic whom her coded-gay half-brother shoots. The trauma puts her in an asylum, where, after watching her through a peephole, her psychiatrist (Harry Townes) falls in love with her. He signs her release papers and takes her to the big city, where she gets a job doing a slave dance (more watching) at Gypsy’s club, El Madhouse. Meanwhile, her half-brother has made a small sculpture to commemorate her attack (as one does). When it turns up in her town, the first woman to buy it ends up dead, and Ekberg is attacked after receiving one of her own. All of this attracts the attention of reporter Phil Carey, so he falls in love with Ekberg and sets out to find the killer. By the time he does, it’s rather hard to care.

Ekberg made the film at a time when she was more famous for being sexy and famous than for anything resembling acting. She’s watched ceaselessly throughout the film and frequently photographed in poses that show off her legs and bosoms (she plays the last half in a flimsy black lace outfit I referred to has her “Sunday go to meeting dress”).

She also has acquired a large dog named Devil, which often makes her the image of “La Belle Dame Sans Merci,” a folk representation of the monstrous feminine often depicted as controlling some deadly beast. She exists to exhibit herself and to take orders from the two men in her life, her lover/psychiatrist and the reporter, her lover/inquisitor, though Devil often displays aggressive behavior when they get too pushy. Gypsy is coded as a lesbian; she has private sessions teaching the club’s cigarette girl how to strip. Since she’s at the service of the patriarchy — her job is holding women up to the male gaze — she and her girlfriend survive and stay together. She’s also one of the most interesting characters in the film because by this point in time, the ecdysiast was a reliable character actress.

Ekberg wasn’t. You can’t tell when she’s in full possession of her mental faculties or when she’s retreated into a fugue state. At one point, my friend asked, “Is she supposed to be catatonic now? I can’t tell.” This was Oswald’s third attempt to turn her into a movie star — after VALERIE (1957) and PARIS HOLIDAY (1958) — and his third failure in that regard. It would take Federico Fellini’s spoofing her sexpot image for her to make any real on-screen impact. Meanwhile, a much better young actress, Jeanne Cooper, was relegated to posing for mug shots of the killer’s first victim. The plot, from a novel that also inspired Dario Argento’s THE BIRD WITH CRYSTAL PLUMAGE (1970), is so nonsensical it was hard to read my paper (remember that) through the laughter at each absurd turn. I finally had to interject with, “I’m not making this up, you know.” That proves that you can always rely on Anna Russell, if not Anita Ekberg.

#film noir #gerd oswald #burnett guffey #anita ekberg #phil carey #gypsy rose lee

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