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gabriel-xander · 3 days

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Don't Forget

[Sans x Female!Reader]

16: Alright Campers, Today’s Activity is to Find a Will to Keep Going

♪⁠────✿⁠(⁠✧◕⁠ᴗ⁠◕✧⁠)✿⁠────♪

Man, you wish Sans would pick a better time to be considerate. You know yourself well enough that if you took a shower, you wouldn’t want to go out anywhere afterward. Because of this, you left for Grillby’s feeling a little icky and dirty.

“Remember when I had this cool plan to take a shower?” You bring up, walking by Sans’ side, “I don’t look like total shit, do I?”

Sans gives you an obvious once over, “nah. just as spoiled when i first saw you.”

“What?! Spoiled?!”

“your dress reminds me of this ice queen in one of pap’s bedtime stories.” Sans explains as if that’ll fix anything, “she sings about letting go of her past, and has this magical girl transformation with her dress using her ice powers.”

“…Motherfucker, you mean ELSA?!”

“oh, so you know that story, too.”

GIRL 😭!!!!

“But Elsa isn’t spoiled at all!”

“right, but it’s that royal vibe she has. your fancy dress gives off the same vibe.”

“Ohhh,” You lean close to him with a smug little grin, “So you think I’m a Queen, huh? Someone worth all the attention and gifts and praise?”

He rolls his eye-lights and shoves you away playfully, “yeah right, in your dreams.”

“Hey, can’t blame a girl for wanting to live the luxury,” You shake your head with a sigh, “Like the time when I barely turned twenty-one, I signed up on so many Sugar Daddy sites.”

“…” Sans narrows his eye sockets at you, “what’s—a sugar daddy?”

“…”

“Uh, anyway,” You look at the brown building you two stopped in front of, “This is Grillby’s, huh? Any hot tips I should know about before we go in?”

“eh, there ain’t any rules if that’s what you’re worried about. just don’t do anything you wouldn’t normally do at a bar and burger joint. grillby can be a little hot-headed.”

…

That was weak as fuck.

“Why do I have a feeling you’re setting me up with some kind of pun?” You narrow your eyes, already knowing.

His grin is so smug and full of mischief.

Bro is up to some dubious deeds.

Bro is up to no good.

The short(?) monster opens the door for you, gesturing for you to go in first. You bow slightly and say thank you, stepping into the building that will soon become one of your favorites.

The music is a fucking banger, nothing like the OST that plays in the game. It’s something like nasty jazz that makes you feel like a secret mafia boss. One that wears a skimpy, blood-red silk dress, and black silk gloves. Oh, and you're “mourning” the loss of your husband that you definitely didn’t kill.

God, what a fucking banger.

“…[y/n]?”

“Huh?” You shake your head, “Sorry, I was daydreaming. The music got my fantasies going.”

“pfft-about what?”

Sans starts walking further in, so you keep up by his side. It seems like he’s taking you to the bar. It looks like Grillby’s regulars are still here: the ugly fish, Ugly Fish, at the bar next to the birdy, Red Bird. The drunk rabbit monster, Drunk Bun, absolutely plastered at the booth closest to the entrance. And the mouthy monster with huge teeth, Big Mouth, is minding his own business. Lesser Dog and Doggo were here too playing Poker with each other. Greater Dog, Dogamy, and Doggaressa weren’t here; it was getting late now, so maybe they’d gone home.

Huh, Grillby isn’t behind the bar right now. Maybe he’s in the back making food?

“Oh, man. Do you really want to know about my dirty secrets?”

“my, are they really that scandalous?”

You hum before speaking, “You ever think about killing your rich husband and walking around in an expensive robe while drinking some wine thinking how you’re gonna hide the body?”

“…??? no???”

You purse your lips. You reach the bar and eye the stool you’re in front of. You press down on the seat hard, but you don’t hear a whoopee cushion. You deem it safe to sit on.

“This is what I’m talking about, bone boy. You can’t handle my sexy little fantasies.”

Sans sits next to you on your right (no whoopee cushion there either), his cheekbones gaining a very faint pink hue at your choice of words.

“is that a popular fantasy with the human ladies?”

“Only with the mentally ill ones, just like me.”

“ha-ha!” Sans props his right arm up on the bar, leaning his cheek against his fist while giving you a cheeky look, “all that just from the jukebox?”

You mirror his pose, “You see, bone boy. This is the power of the mentally ill. I’m sure with a little practice, you too, can daydream about killing your husband.”

“wait. what do you mean with “a little practice?” don’t you mean… maybe with a lot of practice?”

You shrug with a smirk, “Hey, man. I just thought you might be able to relate a little. But maybe I was wrong.”

“well, it’s no skin off my nose if you wanna make assumptions,” Sans winks playfully, “but i will neither confirm nor deny a thing.”

“Fine, fine,” You straighten up, “Let me give-”

“You-You’re… Hey, you’re here…!”

You and Sans redirect your attention to a familiar voice on your left. Your good buddy, Doggo, had bound up close to you, his fluffy tail wagging more when you gave him a friendly smile.

Wait, there’s something… different about him…

”Hey…” You narrow your eyes and point vaguely at him, “Did you… Did you buy a spiked collar?”

“I DID!!!”

You and Sans flinch at Doggo’s sudden shouting. Sure enough, Doggo is sporting a stylish black collar lined with silver-colored spikes. However on closer inspection, the spikes look rounded. Perhaps so it wouldn’t seriously hurt him, or anyone, if he touched it or bumped into it.

“You-You said that it’d look good,” Doggo shifts nervously from foot to foot, “Truthfully, I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. And you gave me the confidence to finally go through with it! What do you-What do you think?”

The stool you’re on is just short enough that your toes can comfortably touch the ground. You start bouncing your leg up and down and hope that’s enough movement for Doggo to see you. Considering his eyes aren’t shifting so much, you assume that it’s good enough.

“Hey, that’s great! And I meant it, you know,” You glance back at the skeleton, “What do you think, Sans? Don’t you think he looks snazzy?”

Sans raises a brow-bone, “i think it fits ya. but uh, i didn’t think you were the type to care about what people think.”

You nudge him, “It’s nice to get validation sometimes, Sans.” You gesture vaguely at the furry monster, “You said you’re Doggo, right? It was great seeing you again, but bone boy and I gotta talk about something private.”

Doggo straightens up, flustered that he had interrupted so rudely and suddenly. His tail wags shallowly, slowly being tucked between his legs. Awe, a sad puppy is one of the most heart-wrenching sights even if Doggo is technically a grown man.

“Oh, yeah. Sor-I’m Do—S-Sorry.”

He feels even more embarrassed at Sans’ smug grin behind you. Ugh, Doggo didn’t think Sans was the type to be a tease like that. Could it be because the skeleton can tell he likes the praise? No one is really that nice to call him stylish or greet him with as much kindness and excitement as you have been doing.

Maybe it’s in his soul to want to be called a good dog.

Either way, it seems like Sans has caught on.

That's just embarrassing.

“It’s fine, you don’t gotta apologize,” You wave it off, “Maybe after, we can—Hey, I think that guy is eating your cards.”

“WHAT?!”

Lesser Dog tenses up and turns around, Doggo’s cards (and possibly his own???) shoved in his mouth and got slobber everywhere. Doggo shouts something incomprehensible while pouncing on him. Lesser Dog yelps that pained puppy yell when they hit the ground, but you assume he’s fine.

“wow, you sure get a lot of attention.”

You look at Sans with a raised eyebrow, “I’d be getting more hostile attention if anyone found out I was a flesh-bag. I’ll gladly get this kind of attention over being shanked in the shin.”

The monster crosses his arms on the table and rests his head. He’s looking at you but where else is he supposed to look?

“so, we got something private to talk about?”

You widen your eyes in remembrance, “Right. I didn’t want to bring it up until I could actually get a job, but we might as well get it over with. Uhm, when I start getting a steady income, steady enough anyway, I was thinking I could pay you rent.”

Sans widens his eye sockets, “wait, what? rent?”

“Oh, come on. These customs aren’t that different from how it is on the surface, right? Usually, if you’re living with someone for a while or even a few months, it’s usually polite to pitch in for the rent.”

“n-no, i get that. i just…”

You think back to that popular theory that the reason Sans’ mail is filled with junk is because of all their bills. Papyrus doesn’t actually have a job, and Sans is the only one who works. You think one of the not-so-hidden secret dialogues Papyrus has is that Sans handles the rent, but he doesn’t actually know where the money comes from.

Sans might feel too guilty about accepting your help in that regard, or he might jump on the opportunity to take your money. You don’t really care; you already decided one way or another that you’ll help out with that. If you can’t do anything else, then it’s the least you can do.

“maybe we should wait until you get a job,” Sans finally says, his eye-lights shifting to the empty bar. “can’t really plan much around it if you don’t even got a cent to your name.”

You purse your lips, “That’s not true. Toriel gave me an allowance for cleaning her house all the damn time.”

“ooh, ‘scuse me, then.”

You take a deep breath, looking around, “You know, I didn’t wanna say anything because I didn’t wanna sound like that bitch. But where’s that Grillby guy? I’m still hungry…”

Sans winces and straightens up, “yeah, now that you mention it, grillby’s been gone from the bar for a while.”

“Oh, Grillby?” Red Bird on your left at the bar speaks up finally, “He’s in the back cleaning up. Give the guy some time, he’s the only one working here, so he has to do everything.”

“Ahhh, everything, you say…” You lean towards the skeleton with a smile, “Sayyyy. Sanssyyyy boyyyy…!”

“i don’t have any money.”

You ignore that. “You don’t think Grillby would be open to hiringggg, do youuuu?”

“…no way you’re thinking of working here.”

“Why not? I used to be a waitress at Hooters for a year before reconsidering my life choices.”

“do i even want to know what a hooters is?”

“Oh, no. Absolutely not. But!” You straighten your back and put a hand on your chest, smirking triumphantly, “All you need to know is that I have experience in this field! Once this Grillby dude comes out, I’ll talk to him about it.”

Sans only shakes his head, opting to keep his thoughts to himself. He’s more… his thoughts are more on the fact that if you work here, there’s a risk that someone might finally put two and two together about your identity. Not only that, but he practically lives at Grillby’s!

In the nicest way possible, there would be no escaping you.

You two sit together in silence for a few minutes. It’s not awkward at all, and in fact, he rather enjoys this silence with you. Your eyes are closed with a smile on your face, tilting your head side to side to the looping music. Hah, maybe Grillby can hire you to fix the jukebox.

This is… nice.

Grillby finally comes out from the kitchen, phasing through the door as he cleans his hands with a rag. How is it not catching on fire? Who knows. It’s also a mystery that his clothes and glasses can phase through the door, too.

The fireman tenses up at seeing you (and Sans) and the bar.

You also sit up straight, “I… Hey, hottie.”

“heh-” Sans ducks his head down, “that was so lame.”

“Hey, I panicked! Also, you were totally setting me up with a pun earlier!”

“…”

His “talking” just sounds like fire and wood crackling.

“Grillbz wants to know how long you’ve been waiting out here.” Red Bird says, you know, like a liar.

You give her the side eye. You remember at the end of the Pacifist Route, she admitted she was just guessing what Grillby was saying. If Grillby REALLY had a problem with it, hopefully he would be assertive enough to stop her. But still, it bugs you when people speak for others.

“I’m sure Grillby can ask me that himself, then,” You put your elbow on the bar table and prop your chin on your fist, “I’ll be nice this time, though. We weren’t waiting for long, so you don’t gotta worry.”

Grillby has white “dot” eyes behind his glasses, and his “eyebrows” are just darker parts of the flames on his face. Even when he steps closer, you don’t feel the heat from his body in a way fire should emanate it. There is a warmth coming from him, but it’s really pleasant.

The man is literally fire, and no pun intended, but he is hot. Especially his body.

‘I am no better than a man, I fear.’ You think sadly.

Sans raises a bone brow at you, “you don’t let anything slide, huh?”

“I wasn’t always a hard-ass, you know,” You smile at the fireman, “Unless you’re mute, then I apologize.”

Grillby shakes his head.

“Selectively mute, then?”

He hesitantly shakes his head again.

“You don’t like to talk much?”

He makes a “so-so” motion with his hand.

“Huh, you can’t talk much even if you wanted to?”

Grillby snaps his fingers and points to you, nodding at your correct guess.

“Ahh, gotcha. Would it be fine if you could just give me a yes,” You nod your head up and down in demonstration, “or no,” You shake your head side to side, “then?”

He nods. You don’t know how, but you just feel Grillby is smiling at you despite him not actually emoting at all. Maybe it is a soul/magic/monster thing?

You grin at Sans, “See? Communication can be simple if you just put in the effort.”

Sans has to say, he’s mildly impressed. From what he remembers from previous timelines, Grillby can talk, and he’s rather cheeky too which compliments his cool and collected personality. But monsters like Sans (and Papyrus) and Grillby have a harder time talking since it takes up more magic and concentration. That's why he doesn't bother moving his mouth to talk; it takes too much effort. And just like Sans, Grillby doesn’t have a voice box so he relies on his magic.

The skeleton must figure that Grillby appreciates that you want to talk to him instead of just taking Red Bird’s word for it. The fire elemental always gets heated whenever Sans and Red Bird try to guess what he’s saying and get it so wrong.

“we’ll get a double order of the burg combo, grillbz,” Sans orders for you.

Normally, you’d have a problem with that, but you don’t really care right now. You just want to eat.

“…”

Red Bird nods, “Grillbz wants to know-”

“-Grillbz can tell me himself,” You laugh. “Here, how ‘bout this, Grillby.”

You make a “C” with your hand as if you were a Lego man holding a cup. Then, you bring it up to your mouth.

“This means “drink” in ASL—erm, in sign language.”

Grillby furrows his brows (as in, the darker flames above his eyes furrow together) as he mimics your movements, though a bit clumsy. You perk up and nod excitedly.

“Yeah, you’re a natural!”

“You know sign language?” Ugly Fish asks, his words slurring a bit.

Oh, you feel so bad you’re only calling it sign language because there are so many others other than just ASL, but you don’t really want to expose yourself to knowing the different sign languages humans use.

“I’m not fluent by any means, but I made myself learn for my j—for-for fun,” You smile, “Anyway, sorry for being annoying about it, Grillby. But I can go for some liquor, anything you think would taste best with the food.”

The red man nods, reaches under the counter, and pulls out a ketchup bottle. He slides it to Sans without even looking, and the other catches it as if it’s just routine.

“you know just what i like, grillby.” Sans winks.

Grillby nods, turning to go back into the kitchen. You notice with a snort that he’s repeating the “drink” sign while he walks. How cute, maybe if you’re feeling nice, you can show him more.

You mainly learned ASL because you thought it’d be useful in your field as a doctor. You were encouraged by Kōrenki to learn it for that reason, so of course you immediately got on that. You know you were humble about it earlier, but you are very well-versed in ASL.

Sans screws open the tip of the bottle, “you’re fitting in here perfectly. a little too perfectly. any more and you’ll replace me as the favorite.”

“Aw, don’t be like that, bone boy. You’re selling yourself too short, I can never replace you,” You lean close to him to whisper, “I’m just trying to get brownie points so I can get hired. Bear with me, yeah?”

Ohhh, right.

“i completely forgot about that,” Sans brings the ketchup bottle to his teeth, “my bad, i’m being a bonehead.”

“You are not drinking plain ketchup.”

His eye sockets squint from his growing smile. He tilts the bottle back and-

“Ew! Ha-ha-ha!!” You shove him by the shoulders, though not enough to push him off the stool, “You are so rotten to the core!”

“hey, take it easy. don’t get stewed over small problems.”

“I know, I know! It’s fruitless to get hung up about it.”

“oh, so you’re a “tomato is a fruit” type of gal, huh?”

You give Sans a blank look, “You are not telling me you think it’s a vegetable.”

Red Bird decided your A-B conversation with Sans was too interesting and sought to C her way into it.

“Sans is usually wrong about anything he says. I wouldn’t listen to a word he says.”

“Gasp!” You put your hand on your chest, “Is this true, bone boy? Are you regularly full of shit?”

He snickers, “strictly speaking, i’m not full of anything.”

“This might be a deal breaker for me. It’s time we see other people.”

“you’ll be fine, i’m sure we can work it out or something.”

You roll your eyes. Whatever, you want a divorce. You turn in your seat to speak to Red Bird some more, giving Sans the cold shoulder but you guys knew it was just to tease.

Red Bird was snarky with you, but you guess it’s to be expected since you didn’t let her talk for Grillby. She might’ve taken it personally and you certainly didn’t help constantly interrupting her. You kept your tone and expressions peaceful though, and it seemed to help since she slowly but surely cooled down with her sarcasm.

You were sharing where you're from (which, according to the cover story Sans made up, you're from downtown Snowdin). Why you're a funny looking monster (“Kind of human like!” “Ha-ha, that's so silly! Ah-ha ha! Imagine that…”). How you even met Sans (“We both know a guy.”). And how you two became good friends.

You smile and raise a brow, “What makes you think we're good friends?”

Ugly Fish scoffs a laugh, “He ain't ever brought his friends here the whole time we've known ‘im.”

“Ahhh, is that soooo?” You smirk smugly, smirking the smugliest, smirkiest smirk that has ever been smirked smugly, “You could've just gotten the food and brought it back to me, but I'm special enough that you wanted to bring me here?”

“ugh. well, if i knew you were gonna get a big ego out of it, i would've reconsidered.” Sans rolls his eye-lights, feeling his magic heat up in his face.

“What a lie,” You snicker, “But enough about that. What about you guys? Tell me about yourselves.”

Red Bird slams her drink down eagerly, “Oh! Where do I even begin?”

Saved from further embarrassment, the conversation easily shifts back into the original topic. You were getting along great now with the others, occasionally trying to include Sans in the conversation. He purposely stayed out of it because he was simply too lazy to converse, but he appreciated you wanting to include him. While waiting for Grillby, you were also showing them some more sign language.

“And for no particular reason,” You grin, “This is how you say “bald-headed bitch.”

“ppfftt—ack!”

“Woah, Sans! Are you okay??”

You swiftly turn around and start patting him on the back—the spine?? You don’t know, but you were patting something. He nods frantically, his eyes are squeezed shut and his smile is nearly off his face. Oh God, are those tears?! How is he even choking on ketchup?!

“i-i’m fine…” Sans is clearing his throat… somehow. “you just caught me off guard with that.”

Ugly Fish and Red Bird laughing their asses off at Sans’ misery while you were still worried about his health. You bet it’s not often they see him off his game. The monster waves you off to stop patting him, not that you didn’t know it wasn’t doing anything other than giving him a nice massage.

“So, you were saying…?” Red Bird trails off.

“Oh, right!”

You raise your hand over your head, circling your index finger around the top of your head. “Bald-headed.”

You make a “B” sign with the same hand, bumping the side of your hand (the side with your index finger) on your chin. “Bitch.”

Ugly Fish and Red Bird try mimicking you, though a problem quickly arises with the two. They don’t exactly have the hands or fingers to do the movements precisely as you do. You guess it doesn’t really matter that much if they’re trying at all.

As they’re fumbling with that, Grillby emerges from the fire exit with two plates of food lined up on his left arm. Somehow, the food phases through the door, too. Probably because it’s magic.

The fire elemental serves you first, setting down your burger and fries before giving the other to Sans. It smells amazing and if you were just a little more openly cringe, you would’ve started drooling. You sit upright and clasp your hands together.

“Thank you for the food, Grillby!” You beam with a smile, “Ah, it smells amazing!”

“you won’t find any other burgers like this anywhere in the underground,” Sans’ eye-lights get bigger at the sight of good food in front of him.

You wanted to ask about the meat used for these, but that would be too suspicious. Grillby is watching you with crossed arms, watching you and seemingly waiting for you to take the first bite. The burger looks… something like a Bourbon Burger: slightly melted white cheddar cheese, bacon, sautéed mushrooms, roasted bell peppers, red onion, some kind of sauce, lettuce, tomatoes, and pickles–all on brioche buns.

You’re about to bust a fat fucking nut you just know it.

You carefully pick up the burger and look around for the best angle to take a bite. Finding it, you take a generous-sized bite and let it savor.

It seemed like the whole bar had gone silent in anticipation. They’re waiting at the edge of their seats, holding their breath to see if Sans' special friend likes the food.

(Un)Lucky for them, you fucking moaned like a dramatic whore at the amazing taste.

“Oh, my fucking God! Grillby, this is amazing!” You cover your mouth as you speak, trying not to be rude by talking with your mouth full.

Grillby’s shoulders drop slightly and he nods. Seems like he was really nervous you wouldn’t like it, but he had nothing to worry about. Not that he had to worry about much anyway, you’re sure anything would taste amazing compared to the spaghetti you had earlier.

The atmosphere returns to normal, and the minimal amount of patrons go back to their usual routine. Grillby begins to work behind the bar, presumably preparing your drink. The glasses look really thick, perhaps a way to withstand the heat of Grillby’s touch.

“wow, that was a reaction and a half,” Sans teases you, “was it that good?”

You nod eagerly, “I mean, can you blame me? I’ve only had the–other kind of burgers in the past. This is the first time I’m trying one like this.”

“right, right. how different is the flavor, anyway?”

“Not that different if I’m honest. The only major difference is that this shit here is fucking GOD tier,” You take another bite, resisting the urge to cry because that’s how good it is.

Sans decides to drop it there and enjoy his own food, too. You made him realize that, yeah it IS delicious and a meal he takes for granted. Love and Magic are just so ingrained in his everyday life, that he forgot how (pun totally intended) magical is it to be exposed to it so often. The littlest things to him, like this burger, are one of the wonders of the world to you.

Ah, he is glad that you’re fitting in here at Grillby’s at the very least. You were getting a little pushy about Red Bird allowing Grillby to “speak” for himself, but you did it out of good faith. Grillby looked like he appreciated you stepping in like that though, so he shouldn’t complain all things considered. He doesn’t know how well it’ll work for you to work here if you can’t use magic, but maybe…

“hey, grillbz,” Sans starts casually, eating a fry, “[y/n] was talking about–her name’s [y/n], by the way. she was thinkin’ about getting a job and was wondering if you were hirin’. i mean, considering today, seems like you might need the help.”

While the bartender was doing a fancy trick making your drink, he redirected his attention to you. You smile nervously and nod in agreement.

“You can take time to think about it, but I thought if anything, I could be a waitress or even mix drinks. I don’t mind helping with the cleanup either. Just… I think I might be the most useless in the kitchen.”

You can cook, but you can’t use magic. If everything is made with magic, what’s to say you won’t need magic to make the monster food? You can’t exactly expose yourself that way, it would be so lame! You don’t think the kitchen is where he needs help though. Even now, the place looks like it can benefit from a wipe-down.

Grillby sets your glass in front of you, the liquid inside is a bright red and blue mix with specks of silver. You go to grab it, but just hover your hand near the glass and you can feel the heat coming from it. You wince and pull away: it was uncomfortably hot, like touching a plastic water bottle that's been out in the sun all day.

“And another thing, if I help out with some drinks, then you don’t gotta worry about making only hot drinks.” You wink at the hot man, “Just think about it, okay?”

He nods, pointing at his head then taps his wrist twice.

“Give you some time to think about it?” You guess.

He nods again.

“Sure thing, boss,” You give Sans a smug little smirk, “See? I’m a fucking master at charades.”

Sans rolls his eyes, “that was the bear minimum.”

“Don’t be jealous of me, bone boy.”

“in your dreams.”

Taglist:

@lemonboy011

@adriixboo

@fluffyart5000

#fanfiction #reader insert #female reader #don't forget fanfiction #sans undertale #sans x reader #undertale #sans #grillby

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darkhymns-fic · 8 years

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Murder with a Side of Lies (Ch. 3)

The Great Detective Papyrus tries his hand at cross-examination! But do all witnesses get doggy treats for their statements?

Fandom: Undertale Characters: Papyrus, Undyne, Mettaton, Doggamy, Doggaressa, Sans Rating: PG Chapters: 3/8 Mirror Links: AO3, FF.net Notes: The sequel to Kidnappings in the Early Evening by Sky. A fusion of detective noir fiction and courtroom drama! All stories, art, etc., related to this main story will be under the tag #undertale noir. (chrono)

Suggested courtroom music!

First Chapter Previous Chapter Next Chapter

Doggone Detectives

The courtroom. It can be somber, humbling place when one was faced with its existence. It was a place where the fate of defendants would be decided, dedicated to uphold the sacred tenets of justice and the search for the truth! …At least, I believe that was what it was meant to do. The courtroom had only started existing again three hours ago, so I am mostly guessing at this point. But they are good guesses, I assure you!

The rest of the monsters certainly wanted justice and truth. That must have been why they were screaming Mettaton’s name. So that he could help move the truth-searching process along!

A spotlight appeared over Mettaton’s charismatic character. “Ladies and gentleman, I’d like to present you all with the city’s number one couple…” he made a gesture as if he were telling a secret, “…right next to me, myself, and I, of course…” Short pause for audience applause. “Detectives Dogamy and Dogaressa!”

Undyne flinched as the crowd went wild...again! Spotlights danced on the stage for a short time before merging together smack dab in the middle, revealing two adorable dog monsters standing together before the witness podium. They wore matching pinstripe suits and couldn’t help but nuzzle each other’s noses at almost every moment. Wowie, what great friends they were!

“peace. peace. i will have peace,” Sans said, bringing the audience back down to quiet town. “yeah, hand me a piece of that pizza, aaron, thanks.” It was covered in ketchup. I wasn’t sure there was even pizza under there. I wasn’t even sure Sans was paying attention to the trial at all, honestly!!

Mettaton leaned languidly, elbows resting on his desk. “State your names and occupation, please.”

The dogs lifted their noses in the air for a moment, giving the room a good sniff before they went back to nuzzling. “I’m Dogamy! (And I’m Dogaressa!)” they said together. Dogamy spoke in a light airy tone, his voice happy and excited. (Dogaressa sounded similar, but rougher, her barks and yips powerful and confident.) “We’re detectives! (The BEST detectives!)”

Well, I certainly doubt that! Maybe second best detectives. Undyne agreed with me.

“We were hired to investigate the murder! (By that nice talking toilet over there!)” The dogi sniffed in Mettaton’s general direction.

The lights flickered out on the pants-less prosecutor, practically paralyzing him. “A-hem! You mean Mettaton!” His voice’s volume levels appeared to be malfunctioning.

“That’s okay! (We don’t have to go anyway.)”

Mettaton gripped the edge of his table a bit too roughly. “Yes, well…” I could hear his gears grinding! “Please tell the people what you found.”

The dogi wagged their tails happily. “There were so many smells at the crime scene! Familiar smells even! (I think we added a few of our own.) We sniffed the dust by the dumpster. (It was definitely that Burgerpants cat!) And we sniffed around some more, and we smelt another cat! (Can’t trust cats.) The other cat smell belonged to that Catty! (I told you, can’t trust cats!) We could smell Burgerpants on her breath even! (Horrible!)”

Mettaton might not have had a face, but I could tell he was pleased with himself. “Of course. Can’t argue with a dog’s sense of smell. What else did you find?”

The dogi were really excited now, their little feet tapping away on the floor, running in place. “There were claw marks on the dumpster! (From a cat! A cat must have done it!) It was clearly Pink magic! (That Catty knows Pink magic!)”

Mettaton was laying atop his desk, sighing scandalously. “Well, well! That is quite the evidence against her, isn’t it?”

“smells like it to me,” Sans added.

“OBJECTION!” I shouted, adrenaline pumping through my bones. Wow, that felt so cool! “DON’T ASSUME OUR CLIENT’S GUILTY JUST YET!”

The smug cyborg certainly could have been smirking. “Oh? And just why not?”

“WELL!” I paused. Oh, boy. This was a lot harder than I thought. Everyone was looking right at me. I couldn’t remember what I was going to say! Was I going to even say anything? “I… UH…”

I heard a noise come from the judge’s seat. Mettaton countered quick enough, however. “That’s what I thought.”

“Hold it, punks.” Undyne’s arms were crossed over her chest, cigarette billowing from her lips. “Just why would Catty kill Burgerpants anyway? What was her motivation?”

Oh! That was great! I’m so glad I have Undyne for help.

The dogi’s noses finally stopped nuzzling, choosing now to really smell over in our direction. “Fishy friend? (Is that you?!)”

“We’ll catch up later,” Undyne went on. “Answer the question.”

Their eyes went wide, as if they had just gotten scolded for getting into a treat jar they weren’t supposed to get into. “T-the cat’s motivation…? (Well, they’re cats! Of course they’ll kill each other! They’re not sophisticated like us dogs!)” they barked, tongues drooling.

“THAT’S AN OFFENSIVE STEROTYPE!” I countered. “FURTHERMORE, THERE’S BEEN NO PROOF OF A MONSTER KILLING ANOTHER MONSTER FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS! REGARDLESS OF SPECIES!” Ooh, I just thought of that on the spot! Undyne’s energy really inspired me. She grinned my way.

Dogamy was on the verge of tears already, but Dogaressa was showing her teeth. “A-am I a bad dog?...(No! Monster or not, cats are the type to kill each other! They’re the bad ones!)”

Nyeh heh heh, this was going well! The witnesses were already having trouble keeping it together.

“Objection, darlings!” Mettaton wagged his finger at us like we were the bad dogs here. “Regardless of their species, I think we can safely say Catty killed my poor sweet Burgerpants for obvious reasons.”

“Oh yeah?!” Undyne growled. “Just try and prove it!” Ah, well, that might have been a bit too antagonistic, though…

The giddy glee-bot giggled. “Simple enough, even an uncultured brute such as yourself could understand.”

Glowing spears materialized in my partner’s hands as she stood tall atop our defense’s desk. “I’ll show you a brute!” she roared, about to lob her weapon.

“UNDYNE, NO!” I scrambled my bony arms as hard as I could, trying to pull her back down. “IF YOU USE VIOLENCE, SANS WILL HOLD US IN CONTEMPT!”

Gripping her weapons hard, Undyne fought the urge to go in spears blazing. “What’s contempt?”

“i’ll start telling contemporary jokes,” Sans piped in.

“PLEASE, NO!”

“what’s the deal with airline food.”

“HISTORICALLY SPEAKING, THAT WAS NEVER EVEN A REAL JOKE!”

“hey, don’t hold my jokes with contempt, bro.”

My head felt like it was going to explode! Luckily, Undyne realized I was suffering and settled down, if not grumbling a little here and there.

“go on, metts.”

The arrogant automaton appeared to really enjoy that outburst. “With pleasure,” he bowed dramatically. “Before I was so rudely interrupted, I was saying that Catty’s motivation for killing Burgerpants was quite simple.” He paused for tension. “The celebrity taste of MTT brand Glamburgers™ of course!”

Undyne punched down onto the desk. “Oh, for crying out loud… Objection! That’s absolutely ridiculous!”

Mettaton wagged a finger. “Oh, but is it, darling?” A small compartment opened on his body, revealing a pretty piece of paper. With a quick motion, he taped a tiny pair of spectacles to his chassis. “Our report here says Cannibal Catty was quite the dumpster diver! It seems she lived directly off the streets even! Finding a reliable source of food that way must be difficult.”

I really didn’t like where this was going.

“In her eyes,” Mettaton went on, the lights around the room darkening for effect. “She must have been absolutely starving. What else could drive a monster to kill if not for their own survivability? In her world, it was kill or be killed.”

Oh gosh, that was surprisingly reasonable. Looking over, I could tell Undyne was sharing my pain at that moment. “HOW DO WE COUNTER THAT?” I whisper-yelled to her.

She gritted her fangs again, slicing the cigarette right out of her mouth. “I’m not sure,” she admitted, angry with herself. “I shouldn’t have underestimated him.”

Gah! This was tough. How were we supposed to argue against that motivation? How could we prove she didn’t do that?

Unless…. hmm. “MAYBE WE CAN’T DISPROVE IT.”

Undyne’s eye went wide with disbelief. “You’re not giving up, are you?!”

I wasn’t! I had a brilliant idea though, inspired by none other than my best friend! When she’s losing a game, what does she do? Flip the table, of course! I couldn’t disprove Mettaton’s theory, but I could do something else!

“WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT DOGAMY AND DOGARESSA, UNDYNE? THEY RECOGNIZED YOU!”

“Huh?” she tilted her head. “Those two? They’re old acquaintances from back when I used to work for The Family. They have a small detective agency on the side. Their noses can’t be beat.”

The dogi in question were distracted at the moment. Sans was holding a slice of his ketchupizza, dangling it over their heads. “Food! (I smell food!) Very close! (Where is it?!) What is it? (It smells new!)”

Aha!

“MR. AND MRS. DOGI!” I called out.

Their ears perked up and their nostrils flared. “A talking snack! (Maybe if we’re good, he’ll let us bury him for later!)”

Good! So they can recognize me easy enough. Nyeh heh! “I HAVE A SIMPLE QUESTION FOR YOU TWO,” I grinned, putting my hands on my hips.

“We can answer any question! (Just give us a treat, already!)”

“WHAT COLOR IS MY TIE?”

“Objection, darlings!” Mettaton interrupted quite quickly, looking a bit flustered. “That’s completely irrelevant!”

Skull resting in his arms, Sans yawned out, “it’s a simple enough question. i’ll allow it. go on, be good dogs and answer.”

Whimper. Dogamy sniffed in my direction, straining his eyes. Dogaressa elbowed him a bit roughly. “T-tie?...(What a stupid question! We don’t have to answer it!)”

“What’s the matter?” Undyne mocked, challenging them. “Can’t tell the color of a tie? Don’t you want treats?”

That got them riled up. Their tails wagged at lightning speeds. “Treats! (I want a treat!)” Slobber trickled from their lolling tongues. “It’s blue! (No, it’s black!) Actually, it’s pretty grey-ish? (A dark grey to be specific!)”

Yes! It was working! “I’M AFRAID THAT’S INCORRECT! MY TIE IS RED!”

Dogamy fell over himself, tears forming in his eyes. Dogaressa, however, was livid, stamping her paw down. “No treats then?... (You filthy liar! I’m telling you, it’s grey!)”

Mettaton wiped himself down with a loose rag. “So they can’t tell the color of your gaudy little tie! It doesn’t matter!”

I puffed out my chest heroically, causing Aaron to give me a thumbs-up. “BUT THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE WRONG! HOW COULD THEY KNOW PINK MAGIC WAS USED AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME?”

Tail between his legs, Dogamy cowered behind his enraged wife. Mettaton clapped his hands, demanding all attention be drawn back to him. “You don’t need to see to know what kind of magic is being used, darling.”

“THAT MAY BE TRUE, BUT YOU CERTAINLY CAN’T SMELL THE COLOR OF MAGIC NOW CAN YOU?”

Sparks of electricity shot out from the rampaging robot. “Fine! So they don’t know what color magic was used! Who cares?! That doesn’t change what they found!”

Honestly, notepad, I felt bad making the dogi and Mettaton so upset, but what else could I do? I had to believe in my client! “IT CERTAINLY DOES! IF THEIR ONLY TALENT IS SMELLING FOR CLUES, WHAT IF THEY GOT EVEN THAT WRONG?!”

That made Mettaton laugh. With another wag of the finger he said, “Please, there’s no way you can prove that these dogs got their smells wrong, darling.”

“OH, CAN’T I?!”

“You can’t!”

“CAN’T I?!”

“…No, you can’t.”

“CAN’T I?!”

“Ugh.”

“bro, i love this shtick as much as the next guy, but you really gotta prove you’re not all bark,” Sans laughed quietly.

I nodded. “FAIR ENOUGH!” Boy, I really hoped this would work. With a satisfying click, I opened my briefcase and poured the contents onto Undyne.

“What the hell, Paps?!” she cried, spaghetti, bones, and aces sticking out of her coat pockets. Before she could protest, I removed her soggy rain/sweat drenched tie and began dabbing my own suit with it, placing it over my head as well. Now, this part I wasn’t going to like at all, but it was important that I proved my point! I nabbed a cigarette from Undyne’s lips and placed it between my bony teeth.

Ugh, it was horrible! I might not have lungs, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t feel the cancer billowing through my bones. “SORRY, UNDYNE! BUT I NEED TO DO THIS!”

After her little bout of grump/rage passed, a flash passed through Undyne’s eye, and I could tell she knew what I had planned.

“Just what are you two idiots doing?” Mettaton mumbled madly.

I nyed and I hehed. “WHY DON’T YOU ASK YOUR DOGI DETECTIVES?”

Dogamy and Dogaressa were completely baffled, their noses sniffing like whirring machines. “Is that the talking snack? (Or is that fish friend?)”

Undyne strolled up to the podium casually, now only a few feet away from the furry couple. “You don’t recognize your old pal?”

I joined her in front of the witness stand. “EVEN THOUGH OUR VOICES ARE CLEARLY DIFFERENT?”

Sweat rained down in droplets around the dogi, even Aaron looked a little worried. “Y-you’re fish friend! (No, that’s the snack skeleton isn’t it?)” Their noses went into overdrive, practically booping right into us. “Is this a trick? (These are different people!)”

Mettaton nearly short-circuited. “Darlings, darlings, come now, you can tell them apart!” His voice modifier was straining. “Only a bad dog wouldn’t be able to recognize them!”

Dogamy couldn’t handle the pressure. An ear-piercing howl of sorrow echoed through the courtroom. Dogaressa barked and snarled threats over her husband’s whines. “Nooawoooo! I’m not a bad dog! (Look what you did! I’ll destroy you! You’re no friend, whoever you are!)”

I adjusted my ties coolly, looking up to Sans as I spoke. “I THINK WE’VE PROVED WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT THIS WITNESS’ TESTIMONEY CAN’T BE TRUSTED, YOUR MAGISTY.”

My bro was clearly impressed. In fact, I think he was even proud? “well, hot dog, it looks like you’re right. you’re gonna have to come up with something better than these two, metts.”

In a fit of pure madness, Mettaton manhandled his microphone, shattering it into a million metal pieces. Nyeh, heh, heh! Catty’s innocence was well within our grasp now!

With what seemed like a flip of a switch, the raging robot switched to a serene savant. “Bravo, bravo!” he clapped candidly. Nyeh? “That was quite the dramatic comeback! I must admit, I was on the edge of my wheel! I didn’t think you two could do it!”

I coughed up the cigarette, feeling a bit nervous. “T-THANK YOU?”

Stars sparkled and shined on steel. “No, thank you!” He wagged a finger. “I was quite worried I wouldn’t even need to call my second witness! I’m so glad we’ll be able to keep going with the trial! But, if you don’t mind, I’d like to take a short recess to prepare. Is that all right, your Honor?”

Sans nodded sleepily. “class dismissed, you kids have fun for fifteen minutes. i’ll be taking a nap.”

“Paps, that was great!” Undyne laughed, pulling spaghetti noodles out of her hair.

Wiping myself down with a dry towel, I giggled along with her. “I COULDN’T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU!”

“Yeah,” she sighed contentedly. “We do make a good team, don’t we?”

The lobby outside the courtroom was bustling with activity. Monsters of all shapes and sizes chattered away about the exciting court case, some sounded like they were on our side now! I was feeling quite proud of myself when the double doors swung open, revealing a particularly sad/grumpy pair of dogi.

The adrenaline of the case must have still been pumping as Undyne moved to greet them with a genuine smile. “Hey, guys! No hard feelings, right?” She motioned to pet their fuzzy faces.

Dogaressa snapped her teeth just before Undyne’s fingers, and Dogamy flinched away. “(Don’t you touch us!) I thought you were our friend… (You humiliated us! In front of everyone!)”

Undyne was taken aback. “Hey, I’m really sorry it had to turn out that way, but-”

“Everyone thinks we’re bad dogs now… (I’m glad you left The Family! If only you left us for good!)” Dogaressa tugged at her husband’s limp arm as the furry couple exited the building, whimpering and growling the whole way.

My partner was stunned. She stared forward at nothing, almost as if she had well… accidently kicked a puppy. I wouldn’t allow this! “UNDYNE, I’M SORRY YOUR FRIENDS GOT HURT.”

She shook her head, returning from her daydreams. “It’s okay, Paps. They’ll just need some time. I’ll give ‘em some treats and pets later. They’ll forgive me.” She nodded, sure of herself again. “We gotta deliver justice for Catty, even if it means a few people have to get hurt.”

I saw Undyne flinch as she said that – as if she was… in shock?

Sometimes I wondered if I was just making things worse for her. But, before I could console her any more, that sweaty voice echoed through the halls again.

“Recess is over! Court will be resuming, shortly! Everyone return to your places! ;)”

Luckily, Undyne is a tough cookie, and I’m a great friend! Things might look a bit rough right now, but I can assure you, notepad, that I will make sure everything turns out great! Or my name isn’t Papyrus!

#undertale #papyrus #undyne #dogamy #dogaressa #sans #mettaton #undertale noir #fanfiction #multi chapter #sky's fics

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