#dogs weaponized by police

[ausetkmt]

A German Shepherd lies on a stretcher in a sterile exam room, tucked in a fleece blanket. The room's perimeter is lined with men in crisp khaki uniforms, handguns strapped to their sagging utility belts. A shrill beep sounds over a radio, and an impassive dispatcher's voice is heard over the men's gentle sniffling.

"TBP 743, Hidalgo County Sheriff's Office to all units, clear channel for last call. Standby on all radio traffic. Sheriff's Office to K-9 Argo… End of watch for K-9 Argo. On October 10th, 2015. Rest in peace, K-9 Argo. TBP 743. Hidalgo County Sheriff's Office. Clearing out at… 11:16."

Four more beeps. The dog lifts his head, and the uniformed men step forward. "Good boy," mutters one man between sniffles, ruffling the fur on its head. The dog's jaw plops open as he pants, and the titanium caps on his incisors catch the glint of the fluorescent exam lights. Another hand reaches forward to pull the blanket over the dog's shoulders as he nestles into the stretcher and closes his eyes.

On October 15, a police dog named Argo from Hidalgo County, Texas, was facing euthanasia after a battle with an aggressive strain of bone cancer. As a local hero of the South Texas law enforcement community, Argo was granted a last radio call—a traditional ceremony which suspends activity on the police scanner to put out a final "call" for a fallen officer.

A lieutenant's grainy cellphone video of the intimate service went viral. In the following week it was picked up by The Today Show, Fox News, MSNBC, Buzzfeed, and The Daily Mail. As the video spread, the Hidalgo County Sheriff's Department was inundated with outpourings from the strangers across the world, ranging from donations and emotive poems, to an open invitation for a free fishing trip from a charter boat company across the country.

Within a few days the video had been shared hundreds of thousands of times, a spectacle of public mourning.

Argo was one of thousands of dogs in America working for the state, referred to within the law enforcement community as K-9s. The mechanism of the modern K-9, with which many are unfamiliar, delineates it as more of a weapon than a pet. Engineered and imported from Europe by breed specialists, dogs on the force are now equipped with titanium teeth and thousands of dollars' worth of protective technology, from ballistic vests to custom canine body cams.

The majority of domestic K-9s are "dual purpose," meaning they're trained rigorously to both sniff out drugs and protect their handlers by any means necessary. Traditionally and presently, most dogs are trained from puppyhood primarily to relish in the activity of biting and tearing into human limbs, and to detect of drugs or IEDs.

Tales of K-9 heroism abound, which is one reason they're so beloved by their handlers—and the public. When a French bomb-sniffing dog named Diesel was killed in a police raid following the Paris terrorist attacks in November, tens of thousands of people tweeted in support. And for human police officers, the dogs' singular sense of mission inspires their own loyalty.

"They don't sleep in our houses, and they don't play with our families," Sergeant Michael Goosby, the chief K-9 trainer for the LAPD's Metropolitan Division, told the New York Times in November. "They exist for one reason: hunting bad guys."

But these dogs are dynamic systems. Their capacity for decision and error is both their biggest flaw and greatest strength. The dog, a learning machine, makes its own exceptions to situations based on an array of variables, including tells from their handler. Since these decisions ultimately lead to reception of a reward, then they are no longer innocent agents but cybernetic mercenaries, with decision making that is open to influence.

Given their inherently imperfect judgment and the dire consequences of their mistakes, why do dogs remain in the forefront of law enforcement?

Argo was imported to Central California from a Czech kennel in 2006 by bovine genetics giant Michael Osmundson. In 1998, Osmundson's artificial cattle insemination company Creative Genetics released the ProCross system, a trademarked cross-breeding technique that is internationally renowned in the dairy cow community. The success of his agricultural empire has allowed Osmundson to pursue his true passion in the meticulous import, breeding, and training of German Shepherds. This second business, Kreative Kennels, is carried out on a sprawling property in Oakdale. Osmundson plans each litter with careful precision, considering the genetic makeup of the pup's antecedents.

"It all comes down to knowing your animals—knowing each dog and its personality," he tells me over the phone. Although he works tirelessly to strike a perfect balance of "nervy" and "stable" dogs, he says that his breeding program is attuned more to health than personality traits, attempting to overcome the genetic hips and elbow problems that have plagued the breed since its inception.

With the help of his family, a six-man staff of experienced trainers, and a group of women focused on early socialization that he refers to as the "puppy gals", Osmundson is one of the most sought-after working dog breeders stateside. The dogs available to purchase from Kreative Kennels run the gamut, ranging from family pets, to personal guard dogs, to highly attuned soldiers for use by the police and military. According to Osmundson, "probably 90-95 percent turn out exactly the way we've planned," in no small part thanks to his careful eye toward the art and science of optimal genetics. Argo, however, was not bred under Osmundson's watchful eye.

"We got him from some close friends over there," he says. "They used to be very involved with government breeding programs. We have our own agent that we have test every dog before we buy 'em."

On the KK website, he states, "we started searching in Germany and the Czech Republic for people who we could trust so we could find dogs for our breeding program. Those people have done a great job in finding excellent dogs for our program. Our breeding goals are to breed many top police-type dogs per year… We want to breed dogs that are very dominant and serious with very high drives and active aggression." [emphasis theirs]

The significance of Argo's Czech origins are not lost on Osmundson. For the duration of the Cold War, the notoriously ruthless Czech Border patrol, known as the Pohranicni Straze, created a state-sponsored K-9 breeding program. The K-9s produced were exceptionally aggressive, intended to stop any Soviet defectors to Western Europe. Current-day breed aficionados boast that the P.S. dogs caught and killed 20-30 escapees per day on the borders between East Germany and Austria. The New York Times reported that dogs on sliding leashes were stationed along the un-walled sections throughout the 1960s and 1970s.

The ruthlessness of the Czech dogs are etched into the cultural memory of the Cold War, and the Platform of European Memory & Conscience, an anti-totalitarian research group, recently called for trial and punishment of P.S. dog handlers for war crimes, although the dog breeding program continued long after the fall of the Iron Curtain. According to one former P.S. veterinarian, the police kennels produced over 1,500 puppies between 1991 and 2005.

Going back three generations in his detailed family tree, one of Argo's ancestors carries the Czech surname "od Police," which translates to "from the police"; after four generations, many of his ancestors hold the surname "z Pohranični stráze" ("of the Border Patrol"). After the Cold War, dogs like Argo's predecessors were folded into Czech and German police departments.

There are, like Osmundson's colleagues abroad, former P.S. soldiers who raise and train the descendants of war dogs under military guidelines for private clients. A fully-trained adult dog sells for between $7,000 and $10,000. The dogs are purchased by middle class families seeking a highly aggressive personal protection dog, Western European and Israeli military forces, American law enforcement departments, and intermediaries like Osmundson who can fine-tune a dog like Argo before it hits the streets.

His prices are on the higher end. But purchasing a working breed dog from a meticulous professional like Osmundson does help some people sleep at night, knowing that the dogs he designates as "green" will be ideal family companions, and that dogs he deems suitable for police are destined for a lifetime of hard work.

But working dogs like Argo face a new threat.

The introduction of Boston Dynamics' canid military robot prototype, BigDog, triggered the dystopian visions that torment our collective subconscious. Several writers have considered the ethical and dystopian implications of this self-righting mechanical monster, and most have concluded that we should accept a menagerie of robotic animals as inevitable in our military future.

The unease with BigDog is in stark contrast to the veneration of the US military's working dogs, one of which was apparently deployed during the capture of Osama bin Laden. Military working dogs are media darlings. Their adventures, both real and imagined, have recently spawned several bestselling books and at least one film, Max, which grossed over $40 million in 16 weeks.

Working dogs are engineered as much as they are bred. Several universities, including the prestigious University of Pennsylvania Veterinary School, operate multi-million dollar programs to perfect the genetics of working dogs. Add to that an entire industry dedicated to technology enhancing the mettle of K-9s, spanning from elaborate vehicle cooling systems, dog-sized ballistic vests, and head-mounted cameras with accompanying recon units, to treadmills, obstacle courses, and nutritionally-enhanced raw carrion diets to keep them in top shape.

But advanced technology does little to improve the precision of weaponized K-9s. Despite a lifetime of training, dogs are inherently imperfect machines, and high-stakes errors do occur in the field. In the event of a broken leash or a misinterpreted signal, there is little that can be done to stop an attack once it starts. The dogs are unaware of the line between excessive and necessary force, lacking the situational awareness to decipher the grey area that is our American judicial system. As a result, the dogs, when they are "on" and ready to work, tend to latch onto anything that runs. They are unlikely to distinguish between good guys, bad guys, and the fleeing innocent. An accidental death or debilitating injury can therefore be blamed on enthusiasm, a hard-working dog simply doing what it was trained to do.

Weaponized dogs have been used as tools of war and control for thousands of years, tracing as far back as Ancient Greece. Yet throughout the latter half of the 20th century, human rights groups have questioned the necessity of dogs who bite to maim, most visibly during the Civil Rights movement and again in the wake of Abu Ghraib.

In 2013, Martin Lee Hoogveldt of West Jordan, Utah, was attacked by a K-9 after he put his hands up to surrender to police, which was caught on graphic body cam footage. Earlier this year the West Jordan Police Department settled with Hoogveldt for $125,000, but said its officers acted appropriately.

In August of 2009, Argo arrived in South Texas via airmail. He was the newest addition to an armada of dual-purpose law enforcement dogs working in Hidalgo County, a small community in the southernmost tip of Texas, abutting the Mexican border.

Dr. Justin Cerelli, Argo's veterinarian, told me in a phone call that he's under contract for dozens of K-9s throughout the region, including two police departments, the Border Patrol, US Customs, the Constable's Office, and the county school district. (K-9s accompany school resource officers in this district at the behest of the FBI.)

With a per capita income of $14,222, Hidalgo County is one of the poorest counties in the United States. The Hidalgo County Sheriff's Department Facebook page is a throwback to the Wild West, continuously updated by staff with the 2015 equivalent of wanted posters fluttering in the sun-drenched Texas sky. Features such as "Wanted Wednesday" are posted to track down small town crooks like The Bubble Gum Bandit, whose total haul ultimately was worth $750.

The Hidalgo County Sheriff's Office has a long and well-documented history of corruption, with a track record of officers implicated in the drug and arms trafficking that flourishes near the Mexican border. The department has faced internal strife in recent months. On December 10, Sheriff J.E. Guerrera announced the suspension of a deputy for a DWI, the third alcohol-related offense by a deputy in the span of a few weeks.

Law enforcement in Hidalgo County doesn't balk when it comes to outfitting their K-9s with the latest equipment and care. The cottage industry of police dog technology is a booming, with popular retailers of highly specified technical gear like Argo's custom "SHERIFF" vest moving half a million dollars' worth of product per year. One of the most popular vendors is Kentucky-based Elite K-9, owned and operated by a former police officer.

Agencies like the Hidalgo County Sheriff spare no expense when it comes to veterinary enhancement. When I spoke with Argo's veterinarian, he declined to go into detail about dentistry, which is pertinent to K-9 veterinary practice. One of the only hazards, in fact, of long-range track and bite is that the bite is so hard (with a force that has been likened to getting run over by a small car) and so prolonged (it takes several minutes for officers to catch up to a dog "holding" a suspect) that the dog's incisors often break. As a solution, veterinarians across the country replace broken teeth with sharp titanium points.

Dr. Erich Rachwitz, a veterinarian in Bellevue, Nebraska, described the procedure as "blinging out" the dog. At a cost of $600 to $2,000 per tooth, the colorful expression feels appropriate.

The bling has also been heralded as an intimidation tool, presumably to warn victims in the half-second gap between the flash of metal teeth and the moment they sink into flesh.

"The four big canines are what you first see when a dog opens its mouth or bares its teeth," Jim Watson, the secretary of the North American Police Work Dogs Association, said in an interview with The Telegraph. "So having metallic canines will draw a person's attention and scare them more. If the dog is barking and someone sees the sunlight sparkling on his metal teeth, it may encourage the person to back down."

There is no escape once the jaws are set and tearing; thanks to training exercises intended to desensitize dogs to self-defense tools, the dogs bite harder when struck with sticks. Harming a working dog is considered felony officer assault. In 2013, a 19-year-old who attempted to cross the border through Hidalgo County stabbed a Border Patrol K-9 when it bit down on his leg, which he argued in court to be an attempt at self-defense. He served a six-month term in federal prison, and was faced with a $100,000 fine.

Working dogs used by military handlers are trained in IED scent detection as well as biting. In Iraq and Afghanistan, the training and work ethic of a bomb-sniffing dog can mean the difference between life and death. Although bomb-disarming bots deployed under the US military's Joint Improvised Explosive Device Defeat Organization (now Joint Improvised-Threat Defeat Agency) have saved tons of lives, the capability of a dog's bomb-scenting abilities are beyond replication. After spending $19 billion since 2004 on attempts to create bomb-detection robots, the JIEDDO program failed to create any device that out-sniffed a dog. At $50,000 or less, a kitted-out K-9 is much cheaper.

However, the sniffing itself is not so much a problem as the fact that they bring potential bias and error to police and military encounters. In a recent study, scent detection dogs have been determined to be up to 80 percent inaccurate. A handler can also easily manipulate a dog to falsely detect drugs, a loophole that has resulted in K-9 scent detection being ruled as barely more accurate than a coin flip in a recent federal appeals court decision. Sometimes the dogs are determined to signal only in reaction to tells or small shifts in body language by their handler.

The same goes for dual-purpose dogs like Argo. As a result of years of targeted training and breeding, Argo and K-9s like him are ultimately making life or death decisions. This thought process can be seen in a video by the Durham, UK Police, which recently outfitted their K-9s with $22,000 custom canine body cams designed by Tactical Electronics. In the video, a K-9 is sent to chase someone posing as a decoy down on a field, then the back of a car, and finally running into a mockup apartment during a simulation of a no-knock raid, excitedly searching for a suspect among decoy mannequins:

Video: Tactical Electronics/YouTube

It's not just the military and police, either. As detailed in a 2006 report from Human Rights Watch, work dogs are also being used by prisons. Mike Knolls, a member of the Special Operations Unit of the Utah Department of Corrections, describes the effectiveness of using K-9s to drag noncompliant inmates out of their cells: "Obviously a dog is more of a deterrent [than a Taser gun]. You get more damage from a dog bite. I think it's right up there with impact weapons."

A Connecticut inmate describes his long-term injury from a cell extraction dog, which bit his left hand as he reflexively tried to block the dog's bite: "[I]t sank its teeth completely through my hand… I lost a lot of feeling in my middle and ring fingers and I have a 'pin and needles' feeling in my index finger and thumb. This is due to multiple nerves being severed from the dog bite."

***

And yet, K-9s remain esteemed by the general public. Dogs are the fuzzy, beloved law enforcement mascots of which PR dreams are made. Their popularity has helped police and military soften their image, as the dogs themselves are divorced from danger and menace. Many departments even use dogs as community outreach tools, orchestrating community events and school visits to put a furry face on men in uniform (this sometimes backfires).

After several decades of lionizing weaponized dogs, people like Argo's tens of thousands of mourners trust that K-9s are normal dogs with petlike motivations. Many smaller police departments are even able to use third-party nonprofits or donations from outreach events to pay for their K-9 programs.

Conservative pundits are calling for armed drones at the border, but dogs like Argo are already on the ground, without widespread pushback. Weaponized detection dogs working on behalf of the state are likely to continue to beat out replicants like BigDog for the foreseeable future, because they remove accountability from the handler for committing acts of violence and conducting unwarranted searches. And dogs, even with all the technological trappings, are a bargain.

For now, at least, they are keeping their robotic competitors at bay.

When I ask Osmundson if he remembers Argo, he sighs and recalls him fondly. I can hear the smile break through in his voice. "Argo was a great dog. A big dog, he was the ideal shepherd dog, he was very loyal, very loving, very sweet, but also very protective of his handler and very willing to go get the bad guy. He was a super super dog."

[heartnosekid]

💚 mlm sam & max 💙

for anon!

💚-🤍-💙 / 💚-🤍-💙 / 💚-🤍-💙

[bentrollio]

Off-duty cop at work today throwing a fit because we won’t let his K-9 into the dog park. Doesn’t seem to understand that legally, just as a service dog is considered a medical device, a police dog is considered a weapon, which is not permitted on park grounds. It does not matter how well trained the dog and handler are, the fact of the matter is that this is a dog who has been specifically trained to bite and maul. Additionally, the majority of police dogs are not given regular, healthy canine socialization, which leads to a much greater risk of miscommunication and fighting between dogs.

Anyways, this is a good time to remind everyone that just like police officers are not your friends, neither are K-9 units.

[lovely-v]

My hot take is that the scifi genre’s compassion towards robots comes from their usefulness as a (sometimes well done, sometimes problematic) metaphor for misunderstood/alienated individuals and that while robot characters can be used as a great way to create a story about finding purpose or discovering what it means to be human (ex/Data from Star Trek, Wall-E even), this is a case of fiction being able to do something that reality can’t and we should NOT be striving to make humanlike robots/AI irl because we will always end up closer to the Torment Nexus than Detroit Become Human

[allmyandroids]

At the edge of my fucking seat!

Red's way of talking with his raspy, dark voice sent me shivers down my spine.

This bone chilling, super suspensefull scene made me be so in awe! God, I love this show so damn much!

[meowdyjac]

Hello. I'm because I found your Splatoon x Sam and Max crossover. Regarding that, what weapons do you think they'd main or like the most?

So this took be a while to answer because it made me think about other aspects of mammals and ink and so on

ANYWAY! What I like to think is that they appreciate the more explosive and destructive weapons/specials when playing turf war legally!

I think Sam would lean towards blasters, rollers and buckets. The ones feel like he would use the most in each class would be the custom range blaster, Golden Dynamo, and Slosher (I like the idea of him dumping buckets of paint on inkfish)

Max would be the fast annoying type so duelies, splatana, and brush (I like the idea of him whacking stuff until they are dead sedated). The main ones being Enperry Splat Duelies, splatana wiper, and inkbrush. (Would run a special up fit that makes him have the special within 2 seconds of the round starting and spam his stamper)

Now when they’re out and about doing whatever they do, I like to think they carry custom weapons that used parts from their old guns which were all fixed and modded by Sheldon as a favor, but he was more than willing to do it because he loves looking at old weapons from before the great floods that wiped out humanity especially ones that are in amazing condition (personal hc)

(The weapons were slightly to mostly traced just so that you can see what what modified and what wasnt)

Sam has a modded N-zap that is bigger and longer than a regular one. It also has a barrel that came from his old gun big kill.

Max has a modded Duelie Squelchers that are jet black and has a contraband special attached to it (this one was originally an illegal weapon that they confiscated, but since Sheldon saw Max take a liking to the weapon, he added it when fixing his gun)

This means that they are banned from using these weapons from legal turf wars (which they have tried).

Despite having their own weapons they tend to keep like 50% of the illegal weapons they find (x) The other 50% is returned for money. The weapons they find are whatever broken thing you can think of. Undercover Bella that never brakes, dynamo that covers the whole map in one swing, Grizzco weapons that were taken by former employees, etc.

Feel free to give ur thoughts! I love hearing them!

[general-george-washington]

I understand defensively, like personal protection dogs and such but I do think that breeding a dog to be human aggressive is a very very bad idea

[reallycoolsoup]

My litmus test for leftist anarchists is how okay they are with the idea of putting down all police dogs and abolishing the use of dogs in law enforcement

If they don't understand that dogs are a cruel and devastating weapon often used against people of color and simultaneously used as good pr cause cops can go "look at our good puppy!" Then they don't actually alligns with my anarchist beliefs

[anotherisodope]

Just found out that we dodged a huge bullet

You ever have a friend who just completely derails your life with their drama every time you run into, talk to or even hear about them?

Got one like that. We’ve been trying to help him for months in a Movie of the Week level family drama situation that has, along with some other stuff, totally eaten my life. And now, things have gone from bad to cartoonishly awful, in one night.

(Now edited for clarity. I shouldn’t write when I’m that pissed off, sorry!)

The Cast

Me: Gold medalist in competitive napping

My man: Has lived with me almost two decades, there’s rings involved, you get the idea

Gonk: A formerly close friend of ours who is making himself less close with every damn day that goes by as he slowly transitions from a cinnamon roll to an ego-burdened military douche. Calling him Gonk because he increasingly, stubbornly, refuses to listen to even basic common sense if it gets in the way of what he wants to do

GFF: Gonk’s friend who has been putting him up until Gonk starts Basic Training in another state

Evil Sister: Gonk’s sister, a raging assclown whom I sometimes call the Wicked Bitch of the East--with good reason

Our friend Gonk is the sort who never, ever, EVER contacts us unless he needs something, and he’s caused all kinds of disruption, but we’ve stayed loyal as hell and supported him. I was even going to move this guy into my house before he torpedoed that plan with a set of Bad Life Decisions. (Long story I’ll cover later).

Bit of backstory. Gonk has a very bad relationship with his sister, who is a far, far bigger asshole than he’s ever dreamed of being. Evil Sister was left the house and their parents’ whole estate after their mom died (so our friend wouldn’t lose his disability benefits), and promised to “look after” Gonk to his mom’s face. Once Mom died, Evil Sister promptly started proceedings for kicking Gonk out, and turned abusive in the meantime.

One thing she’s done is weaponize the police against Gonk every time she gets mad at him, meaning she calls them on him and tries to get him imprisoned over issues he can’t even be arrested for. Argument? Call the cops. He swore while playing video games? Cops. He had a meltdown from her verbal abuse and started yelling and crying? Cops. I’m actually surprised they still come out at this point.

We’ve explained to Gonk, as have the police, that what Evil Sister is doing is a form of abuse, isn’t appropriate use of law enforcement, and wastes police time and resources as well. Gonk’s seen it, he’s felt it, he’s been told multiple times: weaponizing the police so you can hurt someone you’re mad at (especially over petty shit) is really, really wrong.

So Gonk has been staying with another friend, GFF, for a few weeks before he starts Basic Training (a whole other awful story), basically to get away from the Wicked Bitch of the East. It was a huge act of generosity on GFF’s part, and a relief for Gonk, us, and everyone who cares about Gonk. At least...until yesterday.

Last night, everything blew up very suddenly. GFF kicked Gonk out and threatened to harm him if he came back. Why?

Because Gonk decided to call the cops on poor GFF, in GFF’s own home, IN AN ARGUMENT OVER WHO OWNED A FUCKING PACK OF CIGARETTES.

That’s right. Gonk, the guy who had the police inappropriately called on him over small shit multiple times, and is in the best possible position to know how wrong that is...turned around and did it to someone else. Someone he was depending on for shelter.

The cops kicked in the door, GFF’s dog escaped and vanished, and needless to say GFF is absolutely furious. He wants nothing further to do with Gonk and will probably kick his ass, or worse, if that hypocritical dumbass tries to come back. In fact, he’s already threatened to do so.

Gonk has nothing to say for himself. He is back with Evil Sister now, for the moment. I’m just praying he doesn’t show up on our doorstep again, because this has destroyed the last of our trust in him--which thanks to other crap was already badly damaged.

I am SO goddamned glad now that Gonk didn’t end up living with us. I don’t want anyone in my life who calls the cops on innocent people he’s supposed to care about, over petty shit. Of all people, Gonk should know better. But he got big mad and tossed friendship, common sense and decency out the window over an under $20 purchase instead. Nothing GFF did for him mattered to Gonk--not even opening up his home.

That could easily have been us. And I don’t want to give Gonk the chance to make it be us. Before now, I was worried about his safety, but this is the last straw. Now I just want him to leave town for his training and never come back.

[tiercel]

Emotional about k9 units(derogatory) this morning

[ausetkmt]

Police K9 attacks bystander on sidewalk

[arofundy]

r/banpitbull idiots when i tell them their beloved belgian malinois and standard poodle also can and will attack them when they push it too far

[petnews2day]

Omaha police identify officers involved in dog shooting

New Post has been published on https://petn.ws/TrS1y

Omaha police identify officers involved in dog shooting

The Omaha Police Department has identified the two officers involved in last week’s fatal shooting of a dog in a downtown apartment building. Officer Bradley Bornhoft, a 15-year veteran of the department, and Officer Steven Barnes, a 16-year veteran, went to the building at 305 S. 16th St., near the intersection of 16th and Farnam […]

See full article at https://petn.ws/TrS1y #DogNews #ArmedForces, #ConstructionIndustry, #Crime, #CriminalLaw, #Journalism, #Police, #Weapons, #Zoology

[rotary-supercollider]

Average leverage episode

Victim: please mr. Leverage. They bought my orphanage and they’re going to sell all the orphans I need you to stop them

Nate “Leverage” Leverage: I think we can get you some… leverage

Sophie: I’m going to start a bullshit argument now

Nate: please dont

Sophie: it’s going to last the whole episode

Nate: 🙄women (laughtrack)

Hardison: alright this is our mark Mr. Monopoly. He owns 16 weapons companies and took in 100000 billion million dollars last year. He just got into the orphan business and on the weekends he plays puppy golf.

Parker: whats puppy golf

Hardison: it’s like golf but you use puppies

Elliot: I’ve seen it. (snifffs deeply) not fun

Hardison: this guys ruthless. we’re going to be exploiting his one weakness. He really likes having a lot of money

Sophie: how?

Nate: we go steal an abstract concept

*they steal an abstract concept*

The mark: hello. I was impressed by your ownership of an abstract concept

Sophie: we’ll give you 50 trillion dollars for the orphanage

Mark: Zamn!!!

Sophie: 😏 we got him

*1 day later*

Sophie: here’s the 50 trillion dollars (holds up briefcase full of crimes)

The mark: I don’t want your money any more. I have a new plan. I’m goijng to dress all the orphans in hot dog costumes and start a theme park

Sophie: 😦

Elliot: we’re blown

Nate: Sophie throw the briefcase 💼 in the lake

Mark: whoa!! Thats wet money

Sophie: I can give you 5000 more orphans. Meet me at this unmarked warehouse in 6 hours

Mark: awooga

Hardison: Nate do you have a plan?

Nate: not yet

*Fade to black*

Nate: alright the marks on his way. Hardison what’s your 20

Hardison: I need at least 30 minutes to finish this Lego Taj Mahal

Nate: ok I’ll stall

Nate (playing bit character): I cooka da pizza!! Ohhhh (drops full pan of sauce on the marks head instantly killing him) mamma Mia (walks into the sea)

Parker: guys we have a problem

*6 Bad Men materialize out of thin air*

Elliot: 😒I got this 👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊🤛🤜🤛🤜✊🩼✊🦶🦵✊🤛🚪🦶✊🦵🤌✊🦶👊🦵✊✊👊🎷👊👊👊

*the Bad Men disintegrate*

Elliot: shit hes here (dives into a trash can)

*the mark reaches the building. There are orphans waving at him from the windows*

Mark: ok I’m here to take the orphans

The police: SIR YOURE COMING WITH US

Mark: what?? This is a completely legal orphan deal

Police: theres no orphans here

*police man grabs an orphan. Hes flat. Flashback to Hardison setting up 5000 cardboard orphan cutouts*

Mark: but what are you arresting me for??

Police man: sir you filled all of city hall with gravy

*flashback to Nate filling city hall with gravy while wearing a T-shirt that says “Im bad businessman”*

Mark: you can’t do this to me!!

Police: (arrests him)

Nate: heh. You could say he got... Leveraged

Parker: i have autism

Everyone: oh my god Parker shut up

[lovverletters]

👉👈 yandere serial killer...??? Maybe?? Like just this big scary dude with a mask and a big fuck all weapon like a butcher's knife or something and hes so big and scary but he sees his darling as he's just head over heels in love and obssessed and stalks them and makes sure they are safe.

Maybe leaves gifts as a way to try and court his darling even (trial and error style)

So like he leaves maybe a dead animal like a fucking cat cause he's this kinda survival guy and he's trying to provide food but darling is freaked out, so he tries again with something else maybe bones. Doesn't work. Tries to figure out what they like and tries again with their favorite flower or something.

Like he's out of touch with society cause again big serial killer who likely lives out in the woods, kills people who get to close to his home etc so he's really trying to win over his darling who lives closer to the town/city or something.

Just.... I just love big scary man who is so scary and mean but is ONLY nice and soft to his darling and tries to be so gentle, especially if his darling is much smaller than him.

No pressure if you dont wanna do this! Just!!! Giving out some ideas!

♡♡♡

♡Bunny

Yandere! Serial Killer

A/N : thank you for requesting! I changed a few things if you don't mind💖 this is like an intro for him? I'll write more if people like this dude

T/W : Obsessive behaviour, murder, mentions of dead animal.

«────── « ⋅ʚ💌ɞ⋅ » ──────»

"─yet another body has been discovered near a park at Heartfelt Avenue this morning. The police were alerted to the scene after a man who was walking his dog stumbled upon the deceased body covered with deep cuts that were shaped into a heart. This marks the twelfth victim of the serial killer, 'Lovelorn' that has left communities in fear──"

The news forecaster were cutted off as [Name] switch the television off. Their stomach churned with uneasiness at the reports of the new killing. With the serial killer still on the loose, god knows who'll be next?

It could be them.

It's a terrifying thought but a probable possibility. All of the bodies were found near their place of living, meaning that the killer is not far from their area. Moving away is not a choice for them, they could barely make enough money to stay afloat.

[Name] will have to put up with the murderous maniac's antics until they were caught and placed behind bars.

"Shit── I forgot I have to cover for Stacey today!" They cursed out, hurriedly changing into their horrendous work uniform.

Working a late shift at a cafe wasn't exactly their choice. [Name] usually worked the day shift── stressful but far better than being all alone at night when there's a lunatic who's going around stabbing people. Their coworker Stacey had an emergency today and had practically begged [Name] to cover for her shift as no one would take up on it.

[Name] don't blame them, no one in their right mind would voluntarily throw themselves in a situation where they would ended up in a news headline.

However, adulting is hard and it drains your sanity slowly and [Name] already lost theirs a long time ago. Plus, they really need more money otherwise they'll have to live off cup noodles.

What ever could go wrong? The killer had just slain a person today, they couldn't possibly attempt to do it again could they?

«────── « ⋅ʚ💌ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Everything went wrong.

It had been mind numbingly boring shift, the cafe were deserted at night with only a few people coming in and getting out as soon as they got their drinks.

[Name] were tempted to just sleep through their shift in the break room. Their boss won't care──probably.

"Can't something interesting happens right now? I'm bored out of my mind──" On cue, the lights suddenly begun flickering before shutting off.

Fuck. They're not bored anymore.

[Name] jolted in their place when the main door slammed to a close and their heart stopping momentarily as they saw a figure running towards the backdoor entrance.

They raced towards the exit──there's no way they're going to investigate it! They value their life more than this store they worked at──and try to pry the door open but discovered to their horror that it has been jammed!

Before they could attempt to break the glass door with a steel chair, they heard a noise from their former place behind the counter. [Name] eyes widened in fear at the sight of the figure they'd seen running earlier.

The man was muscular and had a red horned mask on, in his hand was a large butcher knife that serial killers loves wielding. Had their life not being in danger, [Name] would've laughed at how cliché this situation they're in.

"H─hey buddy, that's a nice looking knife you got there" [Name] says as they held onto the steel chair tighter, ready to wield it as a weapon if needed to.

The killer only stalked further in silence, ignoring [Name]'s remarks. He only stopped once they reached a good distance from each other and [Name] were confused, is he fucking with them?

Their confusion only furthers when the killer drops a fucking dead rabbit in front of them. Horrified beyond belief, [Name] looked at the horned masked man who stared at them as if he's waiting for a praise.

"Wh──wha..?" They could only croaked out timidly.

"It's for you" The killer spoke in his deep voice, elaborating no further.

Their eyes almost bulged out of their sockets as he dropped a human heart next to the dead rabbit. [Name] felt their knees weakened as they fell on the ground, disturbed at the sight before them.

Mustering whatever courage they have left within them, they asked the killer that's towering over them.

"Wha──what are these f──for?" Stumbling over their words from how terrified they were.

The killer, holding a flower in his hand──they looked freshly cut from the stem──lowered to their level of ground and spoke in his gravely voice that's strangely laced with a certain gentleness and love.

"M' courting you cause' I love you"

«────── « ⋅ʚ💌ɞ⋅ » ──────»

[petew21-blog]

Sexy revenge

I died serving my country as a mercenary all my life since I was left the school. Some might say that I did it only for money and they would be right. I did. It pass good. But I was freaking good at my job. I was a pro. And that's why they always called me back. Why I asked for more and more money and the government always provided. Cause they knew I would succeed.

But once, I wasn't the one picking my team. I always do background checks on them. But this one time I was assigned soldiers I knew but wasn't comfortable working with. Especially this one guy who would kill himself just cause his captain said so. The most loyal one I knew. I knew he despised me for the mercenary job. He did it for country, I did it for money. A loyal dog he was, I called him Rex just to mess with him. He clearly didn't like it. And to be honest, I really don't remember his name.

We were on a mission, the goal was clear. Secure the target, eliminate and get enough evidence and leave immediately.

It went smoothly. But as we found the guy, bombs around. Our squad was separated and I was left with Rex alone. We decided to find the evidence and leave. We were ambushed by a group of our enemies. Thanks to me, we managed to eliminate them all, including the target. But our team was still under fire from the roof. We sneaked up there. Rex was covering me and I eliminated the guy and saved my squad. And suddenly a shot went through my chest. I turned around painfully, just to see Rex holding our enemies weapon after firing.

"Nothing perosnal, orders are orders. You were a pain in the ass of our government. Always wanting more money, making your own rules. They know you're good, but so am I. This way, I'll get medals for saving our guys up here. While you will die here. That's where money gets you." and then he shot me in the head

And that's the last thing I remember. My body was transported back to the States. I somehow felt my prevence around it. The more time passed the more I could see the world around me. I become a ghost. I knew exactly why I didn't pass on. My unfinished bussiness was the one who shot me in the head. But how was I suppose to finish the bussiness now since I was a ghost.

Time went by. My body rotted in the ground. I was just roaming the world without no goal. But one day, I saw a ceremonial in the TV on the street. Rex was recieving a medal just as he said. "That fucker". The anger fuelled me. Revenge is the thing that let's me move on.

"I have to get to him somehow. But he is now protected. Hidden in the army. And I am still a ghost that only now knows how to make lights flicker and slightly move objects. Unless I scare him to death I won't get my revenge. I have to get a body."

The first person I tried on was a homeless person on the street. He was high on fentanyl. That made it easier for me cause he didn't fight. But staying in a body that's this high is really hard. I left his body and tried on some kid in a park and succeeded. Ok, next level. A teenager.

My luck was really great today. I picked one who was a pickpocket and was followed by a police officer. So much running after being dead and the possession made it hard for me to run from him. And I got caught. Whiel we were writing on the red light. Me, still in the teens body, I now focused myself on the police officer on the passengers seat. He was asleep, probably from his night shift, maybe that will make it easier for me.

I concentrated and then my soul just moved a bit to the front. Being accepted in the adult body. He did put up a fight even though He was sleep, but I won.

I opened my eyes. My 'colleague' was looking at me and just laughed. "Bad dreams?"

"What?" my deep voice left my throat. What a manly body I picked.

"You were sharing man. You dreamed of some chick atleast?"

"Haha, yeah that's right" I chuckled and then pretended to sleep again to not let him question me again.

I left the teen thief with my colleague and went to the lockers to change and end my shift

Taking off the uniform I found out that the police officer, Adrian Jackson, I now possesed, had bunch of tatoos, hairy chest, muscular body and satisfactory dick. Mine was better. But this one is young. Might be nice to enjoy the young fertility again

I went to the mirror to get a good look at myself

"Ooooooh, look at those GUNS!" I flexed to see what I was now working with.

"This body is really nice. If I get my revenge I could stay being you, Adrian."

Tapping into Adrians mind I found out what his adress was. And what any man, not only gay ones, would do in this situations? That's right. I went to explore my new body in the shower. Feeling the hot water running down was erotic itself. I missed having feelings.

As I was drying off my hairy dick that just shot cum on the shower wall, I knew there was something missing

I found the clothes in his closet that were slightly resembling the ones I used to wear. What was now reflecting at me in the mirror was a young, hot reflection of an adult man, very similar to me as when I was starting my mercenary career.

I took a very revealing photo for later. Don't worry, I have to give this body a nice ride. And FUCK how I wanna ride someone. Whoever it is. Man, woman, anyone.

My plans are about to proceed. I have a body I need to take revenge on Rex. Another step? Leaving Adrian's job as a cop. Becoming a mercenary again. Getting a haircut and get as close to REX as possible.

Surely he will be tempted to take down another mercenary that is just like me before.

Revenge is so sexy if you ask me

Story request from inbox: You can make a story about an old mercenary possessing a handsome young cop, and turning him into a new mercenary.