#don’t fucking get me started with the ultimatum !!! ‘it’s me or your pa you have to choose’ ASSHOLE

[c-nan]

almanzo is kinda pissing me off rn 🧍

[aguecheek]

Can you tell us about that gender bent midsummer night's dream production you did lights for?

Oh boy oh baby oh boy ive been waiting for this one

So in 2019, I ran lights for a Free Shakespeare in the Park production of Midsummer that took the characters of Lysander and Helena and genderswapped them. Lysander became Lysandra, and Helena became Helenus. And dude???????? It changed...SO MUCH??? It literally lives in my head rent free, i still think about this production every goddamn day. More under the cut.

When Hermia’s father insists that she marry Demitrius or face death, it becomes much less a matter of a man exerting control over his daughter as if he owns her, although it still definitely is that, but now takes on a new dimension. Egeus has delivered an ultimatum: be straight or be killed. Absolutely fucking terrifying, and for modern audiences especially, the stakes suddenly become much more personal and much more real. (We also kept a running tally of every family who left in the middle of the show when they realized it was gay LMFAO our highest record number was 18 families in one night. Gotta love PA!) So in the scene immediately following that, you get this really gorgeous tenderness in the “how now my love, why is your cheek so pale” scene, you know the one. The agreement to elope, the overwhelming joy that comes from the notion of leaving your homophobic father and going to live with your girlfriend’s accepting aunt...it’s good, it gave me the warm and fuzzies.

The Helenus comes on, and oh boy oh boy oh fucking boy. Because in the first scene, you have this line from Lysandra about Demitrius promising himself to Helenus, and Egeus looking absolutely horrified at it, and Demitrius denying it fervently. And Helenus is lost, confused, and desperate, and he’s seeking comfort in two other openly gay people, his childhood best friend and her girlfriend—and the’re both leaving athens. Together. When he gives that fucking goddamn how happy some o’er other some can be speech (which ive had memorized since i was eight because its so unbelievably fuckign good) it’s absolutely HEARTRENDING. Demitrius was his, and they were in love, and then demitrius got cold feet and backed out, and now hermia and lysandra are leaving too, and helenus is going to be alone in athens.

Then you get helenus and demitrius’s first scene together, the “you draw me you hardhearted adamant” scene, the “spurn me like a dog” scene. And this scene was hard for me to watch every single night. Because, now forgive me for getting a little personal, I struggled with a lot of internalized homophobia for a pretty significant portion of my life. And there was this awful heartwrenching moment the actors did where demitrius grabbed helenus by his shirt and their mouths were inches apart and demetrius like tore himself away and stumbled away shouting and it just...i’ll say, okay, i named my sword demitrius(That’s not a euphamism, I have a sword hanging on the wall of my apartment named demitrius, I intend to name all my swords after shakespeare cahracters)because of this character. I don’t like demitrius within the text, i think he’s an asshole LMAO. But this version of demitrius really just grabbed my heart ripped it out of my chest and stomped on it, because he wasn’t a misogynist freak, he was a real dude struggling with some serious significant internalized homophobia. It gave him a reason to reject helenus, it gave him a reason to pursue hermia, and it gave him an actual in-depth character reason to be a dick other than just...hey, this is demitrius, he’s a dick to women.

One of the worst and best scenes every night was the fight scene. Now the fight scene fucking gets me, no matter what, but with the sexuality dynamics, god, it’s just so fucked up. Because when demitrius first starts acting all lovely-dovey towards helenus, there’s this awful heartbreaking look of longing on helenus’s face, and then when “oh, spite, oh, hell” comes bursting out, ur heart breaks ight the fuck along with him. Not to mention now here’s hermia, who ran away from her father to be with her girlfriend, to escape the confines of heterosexuality, so they could be together, and now lysandra is turning away from her and trying to get all cozy with helenus. Helenus’s heart is breaking because he thinks that he’s being betrayed by his own community, being mocked for something that they above all else should support him for. Hermia’s heart is breaking because she’s losing the one person she sacrificed everything to be with. Lysandra and demitrius are fine lmao they’re asleep, they don’t know whats going on.

But like okay. Okay. god. Okay. listen to me. When theyre all running exhaustedly through the woods and they eventually collapse on the ground, sound asleep, and puck comes out with the cure for the spell...he cures them both. HE CURES BOTH LYSANDRA AND DEMITRIUS. Because unlike in the original text, demitrius doesn’t need to be under a spell to love helenus. He loved him all along, he never stopped loving him, he just...wouldn’t let himself. So wheras in the heterosexual midsummer, puck usually cures lysander but not demetrius, in this version, you have them both being cured, both being brought back to themselves. 

And when they wake up, and the lights went all purple and blue and soft and the music started playing (it was fucking moon river. The music was fucking moon river please im going to cry) and they’re all just standing there, holding the person they love, swaying softly, whispering in amazement at their fantastic dream…”are you sure that we are awake?” oh my fucking god. Oh my fucking god. Oh my god.

Then everybody comes storming on, theseus and hippolyta and egeus and such, and demitrius has that line...that fucking line… “The object and the pleasure of mine eye Is only Helenus. To him, my lord, Was I betrothed ere I saw Hermia. But like in sickness did I loathe this food, But as in health come to my natural taste, Now I do wish it, love it, long for it, And will for evermore be true to it.” DUDE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THAT’S SO GOOD. Because unlike with the magic flower route, he actually is returning to his natural tastes. This is the story, this is his story, this is him giving up on his attempts to hide that part of himself. This is him accepting who he is and wishing for Helenus, loving him, longing for him, will forevermore be true to him….god. It got me every single fucking night. Every goddamn single night that line made me tear up.

And then they all got married and it was lovely and beautiful blah blah its a comedy everybody gets married you know the drill <3 but yeah, i still think about that production every single fucking day of my life. I dont think ill ever stop thinking about it.

[yukeri]

[YURI&Co. Headquarters]

THIS PIECE CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE AND ARGUING - Starring: Hong Yumin, CEO Na Deokhyun - Synopsis: Yumin, feeling as if she has nothing left to lose, makes one last attempt to save her career. - Year: 2019 - Length: 1,867 w.

Yumin stood in the elevator nervously wringing her white linen top. Just go in and make your demands. Don’t take no for an answer.

A chime signaled she’d reached her destination, and the following robotic voice confirmed it. She could feel the temperature drop as she stepped out of the elevator and into the frozen tundra that is the CEO’s floor. But it didn’t discourage her; it’s no secret that the CEO is very sensitive to warmth and keeps his office floor cool. It also serves as a cheap ploy to subconsciously intimidate any industry adversaries coming to meet with him and make them more susceptible to his coercion, but it won’t work on her. Hong Yumin was on a mission that she had been psyching herself up for over the past several days. Nothing could destroy her resolve.

She strolled up to his secretary. “Hi, Jeongho,” she said as sweetly as she could without cringing, “Is the CEO busy?”

He glanced at the man's schedule; “Uh, not right now,” he said hesitantly, “But he has a meeting in 10 minutes.”

This is your chance.

“Sorry, do you have an appointment? I don’t see one--”

“That’s all the time I need,” Yumin said, strutting right past Jeongho and approaching the CEO’s office. She could hear the secretary’s stuttering protests as she reached the door. She paused for a moment, took a deep breath, and entered the breach.

I did it, she thought as she closed the door behind her. Yumin slowly turned around. She had only seen the eggshell walls and cement flooring of the CEO’s office on two occasions: the day she signed her contract with Tastemaker and about a week ago when TM Girls was disbanded. Such a rush of emotions came over her that she almost forgot why she had committed this career-threatening faux pas in the first place. Flustered, she swallowed her feelings and greeted the CEO politely: “Good afternoon, CEO.”

“Yumin-ah...good afternoon,” the CEO replied curiously, looking up from his thick-rimmed glasses. He glanced at his iPad confirming what he already knew, “According to my schedule, you don’t have an appointment with me.” Yumin stood visibly trembling as he looked her up and down. “So either my secretary just lost his job, or you’ve lost your mind,” he said with a dry chuckle.

Then he stared at her with that look, his eyes fixed upon her and his eyebrows raised. The look was not openly nefarious as he is the CEO and must keep the appearance of approachability even behind closed doors, but to anyone who knew him that look was just as effective as a gorgon's stare.

Just like that, Yumin froze. She felt all that hard-earned conviction drain from her body and immediately realized the grave mistake she had made. Stop freaking out! You got this, Yumin’s inner motivation coach called out trying to preserve the last ounces of confidence she had left. You’re already here; you might as well speak! She opened her mouth, not particularly sure as to whether coherent words or her breakfast would come out, “Yes-- I mean, no. I don’t have a-- er, an appointment.” Alright, looks like we’re getting somewhere. She started regaining her confidence and spoke again with a voice significantly less shaky; “But please, if I could have a moment of your time--”

Suddenly, Yumin heard the subtle tones of the CEO’s phone. She looked down at the cellphone on his desk, then back at him as he pressed the tip of his AirPod. “Hello,” he answered, “Oh, Kyungsoo-ya! How’s filming going?”

Then it hit her: all the emotions she'd swallowed. The years of anxiety facing the possibility that she might never debut; the anger from the relentless hiatuses she had no choice but to endure; the devastation when she was told for the second time that the group she cherished more than anything in the world was no more. They were all festering inside her and had amalgamated into a feeling she rarely experienced: pure rage.

“Are you fucking kidding me,” Yumin thought. The CEO jerked his head up to look at her with an expression of plain shock. Oh, wait...no, she said that. To the CEO.

Before he could utter another word, Yumin’s hand had snatched the phone off his desk and ended the call with whoever was on the line. She clutched the CEO’s phone in her hand as he stared at her in disbelief. Yumin didn’t back down; she stared right back.

“Okay, I’m listening,” he said flatly, breaking the silence.

Yumin took another deep breath and finally spoke her mind, “The only reason I signed a contract with this company was because you guaranteed that I would debut within 6-8 months. That was over two years ago; I--”

The CEO groaned and rolled his eyes as he reclined in his chair, his folded hands on his chest and his eyes fixed on her. Sorry, am I boring you?! I can’t believe this smug bastard...

His phone began to vibrate in her hand, but she swiftly declined the call. “I-- I am tired,” she said in a tone louder than what she had intended. “I’m tired of getting calls from my grandparents asking me to come back home because I have no future here; I’m tired of training trainees half my age that debut before I do; I’m tired of being the oldest trainee I know that isn’t anywhere near a debut; and I’m tired of putting my faith in old men who so easily crush the dreams of young, hardworking trainees because they’ve never had to experience this disappointment in their life.”

The CEO glared at her with his eyebrows furrowed, clearly offended. She decided it would be better to switch up her argument: “Look, when I left JYP...I was devastated. I worked so hard and all I got in return was a cancelled debut. Looking back, I can see that if I had debuted then I would’ve left the group almost immediately. I wasn’t ready; I would’ve been torn to shreds for my lack of ability. But I am a thousand times better than I was all those years ago because of Tastemaker. I was an alright rapper when I got here; now I’m the rap instructor. I can out-rap any trainee under this label, male or female. I was a good dancer before, and now I can out-dance our choreographer-- her words, not mine.”

The CEO chuckled lightly at her claim before she continued, “I have leadership quality, an attractive personality, and great visuals...but what good is having those attributes if no one sees them?” The CEO nodded thoughtfully.

Now we’re here, she thought, the hardest part. She took one final deep breath and gave her ultimatum, “I’ll always be thankful to you...and to Tastemaker for making me better...but if you don’t plan on debuting me, then...then just let me go. This way, we can stop wasting each other’s time.”

There. Yumin had said her piece and now it was time to listen.

The CEO cleared his throat and began to speak: “Wow…how dare you speak to me this way?! You have absolutely no idea why I make the decisions I make, and I will not be told what to do by some little bitch who thinks she’s talented because she can rhyme two words together.” Yumin was speechless; she could see what could’ve been a successful career flashing before her eyes...now it’s all gone. She felt her heart sink as tears welled up in her eyes. “Give me my phone!” He snarled at her, snatching his phone from her extended hands; “By the time I’m done calling every agency and talent scout in my address book, you won’t be able to open a fucking YouTube channel! You’ll have to go back to your grandparents’ and become a turnip farmer, shoveling shit to make a living.” He pulled her contract from his drawer, “You want me to ‘let you go’? So be it.” He pulled out a lighter from his pocket and set it ablaze. Yumin could only watch and cry as her dreams literally went up in smoke. The CEO threw the remnants of her contract in the garbage, “Now get the fuck out of my office,” he hissed, “You’re done.”

But no, he did not say that. In fact, he did not say anything. The CEO simply glared at her without a word and all Yumin could do was glare back. Say something, dammit! She thought. Yell, scream, something.

After what seemed like hours of deafening silence, he finally spoke, “Wow...that was impressive,” he stated flatly while opening his iPad. “Tell me, Yumin, do you remember Moon Yuri?” She was still reeling from the thought of what could’ve happened, but responded, “Uh...yes. Wasn’t he involved in THE FUN FACTORY?”

“Correct,” the CEO replied while checking some emails and notifications, “That call that you declined a few minutes ago? That was him. ” He gestured towards the phone that was still in her hand; she’d almost forgotten she had taken it. “Moon has made a request to establish his own label within the company. I just needed him to confirm some last-minute details.”

Yumin clearly didn’t understand, so the CEO attempted to clarify as he reviewed some charts and graphs, “Yuri is planning to debut a new girl group next year and he’s looking for 6-7 girls to be in it. Tastemaker isn’t planning on debuting any other groups as of right now, so any Tastemaker trainee may audition for him. Whoever is accepted will have their contract transferred to his label. No hassle.” Yumin finally realized what he was saying.

“But-- when is the audition?” “That was one of the details he needed to confirm. I’d say about a month or two?” “And...I can audition?” “I recommended you personally,” he said, making eye contact with her for a moment before taking out a pen and flipping through some important-looking documents. “I was in the middle of drafting a memo with all the details.”

Yumin stared into space, feeling like a complete idiot. If I had just waited a little longer...

“Um, may I have my phone back?” the CEO asked politely, but sternly, “I do have some important calls to make.” Yumin snapped out of her trance and hurriedly rested the CEO’s iPhone on his desk. The CEO continued to split his attention between the graphs on his iPad, the documents on his desk, and now the iPhone which was connecting to no doubt some other big name in the industry.

Yumin didn't know what to say. “CEO...I’m--” The CEO started chatting with someone on the other line. She averted her gaze as she pondered what to do next, eventually deciding to leave. She turned and walked towards the door. “Oh, Yumin-ah,” he innocently called out just as she was about to exit the room. She turned back to him, “Yes, sir?”

“Don’t pull this shit again,” he calmly ordered, “Because next time you won’t be so lucky.”

Slightly unnerved, Yumin nodded in agreement and exited the CEO’s office with another chance. Fourth time’s the charm, I hope.

[ohmyhera]

the tragic ending to an already tragic tale

T/w:mentions of r*pe,m*rder,p*edos, and Zeus saying some uncomfy things. Please proceed with reading this at your own discretion because this is chalked full of angst, more than I usually write for y’all so be careful.

“Nico-”

“You’re keeping it, now stop talking”Nico hissed. Will huffed and pulled the jacket—Nico’s jacket, tighter around his waist. It was cold, and they were wet and nothing seemed to be going as planned. The clouds grew darker and seemed to cover the sky completely only adding to their plight. Will paled, he didn’t do too well without the sun. His eyes fluttered towards the sky and he shuddered. The longer it was gone, the weaker he grew, it was his Achilles heel, the reason why he wasn’t allowed out on quests. He was a liability. Now, as the sky grew dark, and the clouds grew heavier, so did his fear. He wasn’t just a liability, he was Nico’s liability. And that made him feel even worse.

They were treading dangerously into no man's land, with the sun gone for gods know how long Will didn’t have access to his powers. Any of them. So that also means he was no help, he was as useful as a human who could barely shoot an arrow, and they didn’t even have arrows thanks to the Artemis girls accompanying them on the trip. They’d gotten split up about yesterday which already spelled bad news. Will knew it was the Gods doing, split up the team and they’re easier to pick off. It was practically the first rule in the book of killing a demigod. 

They could have taken refuge in the underworld but Will wouldn’t—no, he couldn’t survive down there. Thanks to his unique skill set he would quite literally die if he stepped foot down there, no sun equals no Will. He frowned, he was completely useless—

“Shut up”Nico said. It was said so casually that Will actually went to apologize, but Nico shook his head.

“You’re thinking too loud, it’s stressing me out”Nico said. Will titled his head a bit.

“You can read my thoughts?”He said. Nico’s mouth quirked up in his own attempt at a smile and he shook his head.

“No, but I can read your face. You won’t be any good out there if you’re distracted”Nico said.

“If we ever get to where ‘there’ is”He said, folding his arms. He wasn’t sure if it was the cold or his nerves causing him to tremble, but here he was, trembling. He should have just stayed at camp, but his big mouth opened on its own when Nico volunteered to go. They all looked at him funny but sent him out regardless, they’ve never seen him fight but that also meant they didn’t have proof that he couldn’t. And he can! When he’s not seconds away from collapsing against a tree. He was starting to see doubles and quickly blinked his eyes, and it helped. Until it didn’t. He found himself walking slower,his heart beating faster and Gods it was so cold…

“Will...Will!”

The trees above him spun and he hit the ground with a thud. 

“Fuck!”Nico said through clenched teeth. He threw himself to the ground and grabbed the blondes wrist feeling for his pulse. He felt it pulsing faintly, almost as if he was frozen. He bit his lip and squinted at Wills body, yellow tendrils of spirit floated around frantically trying to find a way out. He let out a shaky breath, Will wasn’t dying, he was just unconscious and his soul was in shock. His soul...his soul was in…

“Shit!”Nico shouted and pulled off his backpack searching for anything to keep his body warm. There was nothing in there but his sword,Wills arrow and some ambrosia. They really needed to start packing better. His mind raced and his body froze, if Will's soul went into shock he might not come back the same, he might...they might...Nico shook his head and pulled the blonde into his lap. He wasn’t going to let that happen, he wouldn’t. He folded his body over Wills and tried to remember something,any incantations that Will or the Apollo kids have ever said. He tried desperately to keep his body warm in the meantime.

But then it started to pour.

Harder than Nico had ever seen in both the lives he lived, this wasn’t an ordinary storm, this was foul play. This was the Gods doing. Nico gasped as the freezing water pelted the two and his mind soon knew nothing but anger. He knew not to provoke the Gods, he learned that from watching Percy get his ass handed to him more times than he could count, but now he knew. Now he knew how it felt to have the Gods slowly but surely try to take everything from you.

“What the fuck do you want from me Zeus!”He shouted towards the sky, Will's pulse was getting slower and he could feel his own pulse in his throat. “Tell me what you want you bastard! Call off the storm and face me! Are you scared or something!”

He felt a gust of wind behind him and resisted the urge to whirl around and choke the god. He didn’t have much time to think before the god was standing before him. No, Nico thought as his stomach dropped, that was too easy, it’s a set up.

“Well now, who do we have here?”The god said.

“Nico,son of Hades,”He said, surprised that his voice didn’t waver. “I said call off the storm”

“From the mean words you used, you’re in no position to be making demands”The god said.

“You don’t think anyone is in a position to do anything”He spat, “What’s your damage, Zeus? Don’t you have enough people to fuck with? Or is there not enough people to fuck? Are you getting bored again with your concubines? You feel the need to interfere on a simple fucking quest!”

He was red hot mad now. All he wanted to do was stab the god until he bled or sparkled or combusted or whatever it was that they did when they no longer existed. The god looked at him in disgust before flicking a finger and suddenly, Nico couldn’t breathe.

“You demigods—no no, you Hades brats think you have the right to talk to me anyway?”The god fumed, “I am a god! I can wipe you from existence,bring you back and do it all over again until you’re begging me to die!” He clawed at his throat but he wouldn’t give in, it felt good to get under his skin, to piss him off.

“But I won’t do that” he released the binding on the brunets airways and once again nico fell on top of Will—shit, he needed to save Will. Zeus seemed to ponder and shook his head.

“No I won’t do that or your daddy will wage war”The god said, “I don’t know why he cares for you brats when you do nothing for him, you hate him, you’re disgusted by him but yet he still loves you”

Nico felt his eyes sting and he quickly blinked it away, he wouldn’t fall for this.

“You rotten little halfbreeds don’t deserve his love, you do nothing but train up the next generation of miscreants and then die a hero”The god scoffed, “A hero, please. We haven’t had heroes in centuries. Aeacus,Amphion,Arcas, all my boys”

“I didn’t summon you here for you to bitch at me”Nico growled, “I summoned you to get an answer to a simple question, and no I don’t fear you, I don’t think you’ve met me but everyone who's ever crossed my path knows i’m not afraid to die young.”

“You’re an imbecile,”The god said.

“You’re a pedophile,a rapist,a murder-”Nico started, this time the god actually did choke him. The brunet was lifted far off the ground and he was face to face with the god he wanted to kill the most right now.

“If you’re going to disrespect me, say it to my face”The god said. 

“Let go of my throat and I'll disrespect you all day long”He wheezed, he was thrown to the ground without a care. His body hit the dirt with a thud and he bit back a groan, he wasn’t letting zeus win this one. He peeked over at Will, at this point he only cared that his soul was still in his body. They’d cross the other bridge after Nico finishes giving Zeus a piece of his mind.

“Stop fucking with me and answer my question!”He spat.

“You have a cursing problem”The god said offhandedly.

“You have an impregnating problem”He said, “you hate us so much then stop creating us, use a condom!”

“You’re lucky I'm not killing you where you stand”The god warned.

“Stop making promises and just do it already!”Nico exploded, “Kill me Zeus, just kill me!” “I can’t!”The god shouted back, “your father would wage war and i’m tired of war!” “Then stop causing them!”Nico shouted, “And stop changing the subject! Call off this damn storm and tell me who’s hiding Hermes so we can both go back to not seeing each other's faces!”

A wicked grin grew across Zeus’ face and Nico gulped, yup, definitely a setup.

“Nico, son of Hades. If you were really trained right then you’d know there’s always an ultimatum”The god said. As soon as he heard ultimatum his body ran cold, fuck.

“Name your price,”He said quietly.

“Not so bold now are we?”The god grinned, “Seems like you have something to lose”

“Just name your price!”Nico snapped.

“Your temper needs work”The god warned.

“That’s rich coming from you”He huffed, but it went ignored.

“I’ll tell you where Hermes is being hidden and even how to get there if…”Nico followed the Gods eyes to Will who was still unconscious. His eyes widened and he shook his head quickly, no.

“No, not him”Nico said, “He’s got nothing to do with this”

“I’ve made my ultimatum”The god said, “He’s pretty,he’s blonde, why wouldn’t I want him?”

“No!”Nico growled. And the god laughed, Zeus laughed.

“It hurts having the one you love ripped away from you doesn’t it?”The god howled.

“I’m not in love with him!”Nico shouted. “Then why are you playing martyr!”The god said, alight with fury. “Besides, it doesn’t take a god of love to recognize attraction”

“Take me”Nico said, the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them.

“Take you?”the god questioned, “Why would I take you?”

“I will do whatever you want,”He said through clenched teeth. “Take me and do what you see fit, but I want a new ultimatum”

“Humor me”The god said.

“Fix him”He said, “Fix him, give him the information for the quest and make sure no harm comes his way”

“That’s asking a lot of me”The god said, “You have to sweeten the pot”

“I am Hades' only son in history!”Nico shouted, “I would be a rarity on mount olympus, parade me around like some exotic pet, I don’t care! You wanted something the other gods never had and that’s me!”

“Cocky aren’t we?”The god said.

“You know it’s true”Nico panted, his chest rose and fell rapidly. “Take. Me.”

“Hmm”The god said, “That does sound pretty good, promise you won’t try and run away?”

“I promis-”

“No”The god said, “We’re making this deal...on styx”

There was a clap of thunder and the rain only intensified. Nico felt his life flash before his eyes. Christmas with mama and Bianca,the lotus hotel,his first few years at camp half-blood,Bianca’s death,the crush on Percy,meeting Will, his 18th birthday and how the Apollo cabin sung so loud it woke the mermaids in the lake,the way Will smiled so wide it reached his eyes as he smeared frosting across Nico’s nose. He was stunned into silence, all he could do was nod.

“I need that in words”The god said.

“I swear...on Styx”He whispered, another clap of lightning sounded and a pair of golden handcuffs appeared around his wrists. Immediately the clouds retreated and the sun was shining more brightly than ever.

“Well”he looked at Zeus, “Are we going?”

“No”The god said, “You’ve got someone to say goodbye to”

Nico’s eyes flooded with realization, “You bastard!-”

“Nico?”Will said in that sleepy voice, “What happened? Did I fall asleep?”

It really was a set up, this was planned, this was entirely planned and Nico fell for it. Split up the team and they’re easier to pick off. It was practically the first rule in the book of killing a demigod. 

This was just the beginning. This was the first move in Zeus’ cruel game of chess.

“You won’t be seeing your Nico for a long time”The god drawled, “Also you really should have confessed your feelings for him earlier because now he’s all mine”

“W-what!”Will stuttered, whirling around. “Nico?”

“He practically begged me to take him”The god continued. “I would feel pity for you if I had any pity at all”

“That’s not true!”Nico shouted and immediately felt a surge of flaming hot pain sear through his body. He wailed and his knees buckled from underneath him as he waited for the pain to subside.

“Tsk tsk”The god said, “Techically you did and Styx doesn’t like a liar”

Nico felt tears roll down his face and he was still screaming. He tried to complete the quest, he tried to keep Will safe but he failed. He did everything he could and he still failed.

“I would say I hate to break up young love but that wouldn’t be true, would it be my new pet?”The god said, “What was that you called me Nico, a bastard? A pedophile,a murderer, a rapist?”

All nico could do through the pain was nod.

“Well i’m all those things”The god said, “but so. much. worse”

Fuck Zeus,Fuck Styx and fuck the gods, he should have converted to the Egyptian Pantheon a long time ago. He looked up to see Will practically frozen in his spot, tears of his own streaming down his face. He wanted to reach out but even the thought of it sent another wave of pain coursing through his body, even his mind was shackled to Zeus.

I love you, he thought defiantly. I love you, my heart belongs to you, my heart bleeds for you, I’d do anything for you—each thought sent a new wave of pain shooting through his body.

“I’m sorry”He croaked. It was the only thing he could say. The last thing he saw was sorrow in Wills eyes, and the once bouncing soul come to a sharp stop and crack. Will’s soul was broken. 

And it was all his fault.

A/n hey guys, I’m alive! That was different than what I usually write but I hope you enjoyed it!

[lady-divine-writes]

ACITW AU Inspired fic - “The Vacation Ultimatum” (Rated PG13)

Summary:

Sebastian wants to go somewhere different for summer vacation this year, but Kurt has his heart set on the beach house. He promises Sebastian he'll at least entertain other options. ... In his defense, he finds something very entertaining. (2316 words)

Notes: This is an ACITW inspired fic I started writing last summer before my computer died on me.

Read on AO3.

“So, babe, I was thinking …” Sebastian leaps over the back of the sofa to sit beside Kurt scanning the pages of the latest Vogue magazine.

“That’s dangerous. Real dangerous,” Kurt comments, not lifting his eyes from an ad for Gucci footwear. Kurt seems particularly interested in a pair of blue-and-black brocade loafers, checking the fine print for price and sizing information. Sebastian, knowing by now what Kurt’s long, thoughtful look (narrowed eyelids, scrunched nose, sucked in lips) means, takes note. “Didn’t we talk about that?”

“Ha … ha … ha. Anyway, what if this year, instead of going to the beach house for the summer …?”

Sebastian doesn’t get farther than that before Kurt drops his magazine and glares at him with the ice-cold burn of a lover scorned.

“Wh-what!? Not go to the …! Why!?”

“Babe…” Sebastian knew there was a chance Kurt would react this way from the second he opened his mouth. Kurt is always at his most deadly when he won’t let Sebastian finish a sentence. But Sebastian had hoped he might be persuaded to listen to reason, especially since he’d mentioned wanting to go on a pilgrimage to the House of Alexander this year. If anything could break them out of their summer vacay rut, it should have been McQueen. A jaunt across the pond would have been a welcome change from their usual trip to North Carolina. But apparently Kurt is too sentimental to break from their routine, even for a journey to the temple of his idol.

Sebastian had been hoping against hope … and he lost.

“Because we go to the beach house every summer!”

Kurt’s eyes shift left and right, waiting for a more compelling argument. “Yeah, and …?”

“And aren’t you getting a little tired of it? Don’t you think it’s getting old?”

Kurt’s jaw drops in silent gasp. “Who … who are you right now? How … how can you say that!?”

“Because over a decade of summers at the same beach house can get kind of stale, Kurt!”

Kurt shakes his head slowly, disbelief deepening fine lines around his mouth and the corners of his eyes. “You’ve known me for over a decade! Am I getting stale?”

“Do you really want an answer to that?” Sebastian jokes before self-preservation and common sense have the chance to shove his size nines in his mouth and stop him. Kurt’s mouth snaps shut with frightening speed, his teeth making a sound when they meet like the cracking of bone.

“If that’s how you feel,” he says, words short, over-enunciated, clipped at the ends as if with razor-sharp shears, “then I can go to the beach house alone this summer, and you can go somewhere fresher!”

Sebastian sighs. He should have known he wasn’t going to win this one. He was defeated before he began. “Kurt …”

“And while you’re there, maybe you can find yourself someone less hard and crusty since I’m becoming so stale!”

“Jesus Christ, Kurt!” Sebastian’s hands find his hair and pull in frustration. “Stop twisting things around! That’s not what I meant! Arguing about the same thing over and over is getting stale!”

“Then stop arguing,” Kurt poses with a wicked grin. “There. Problem solved.”

“I happen to have good reasons for not wanting to go to the beach house this summer!”

“And those are …?”

“For one thing, it’s nowhere near private.”

Kurt chuckles humorlessly. “It’s on a private beach! That your family owns!”

“Olivia and Brian drop in with the kids all the time, unannounced.”

“So? I love Olivia and Brian! And the kids!”

“So do I! But I also love being able to walk around naked and fuck in the kitchen!”

“No one ever stops you walking around naked here at home! And we’ve fucked in the kitchen so many times, we’ve worn ass marks onto the floor, the island, and the table! You can’t throw a robe over yourself and fuck in a bed like a normal person for one month?”

“Kurt! Don’t you think it’s nice to do something new every once in a while?”

Kurt carefully picks up his dropped magazine so that he has something to toss sassily aside and crosses his arms over his chest. “Have you met me?”

“Uh, yeah,” Sebastian says, mirroring the gesture … minus having anything to throw. Not that he didn’t look around him for something suitable, but the only things within reach are coffee mugs and Yankee Candles, and he doesn’t want to accidentally give Kurt a concussion. “You’re stubborn and annoying!”

“Exactly!”

Sebastian snorts at the word Kurt wasn’t quick enough to catch before it flew out of his mouth, turned around, and slapped him in the face.

Kurt closes his eyes on his own faux pas and shakes it from his head. “I mean, about being stubborn. How many times do I stray from the familiar? I wear the same designers all the time, I order the same dish at every restaurant, I’ve driven the same Navigator since high school …”

“Yeah …” Sebastian clears his throat before he accidentally guffaws “… by the way, that’s something we really need to talk about ...”

Kurt’s offended face becomes comically dramatic. “My life is stressful, Sebastian!”

Sebastian pauses his argument to look Kurt over from head to toe - his significant other reclining on the sofa in his pajamas and robe with his feet propped up … at three on a Thursday afternoon.

“Yeah …” He leans over, catches the end of Kurt’s untied belt, and flips it across his waist. “The rigors of your life must be crippling!”

“It’s my afternoon off, you deranged kumquat!” Kurt snaps, tossing the belt back and smacking Sebastian on the chin. “The point is I value our summer together. Most of all, I value the fact that I don’t have to stress out about it because I don’t have to put any energy into thinking about doing something different! It’s a no-brainer!”

“So you’re saying it suits you.”

Kurt points at Sebastian, very reminiscent of a circa 2000 Cooper Anderson. “Watch your step, Smythe, or you’re sleeping alone tonight.”

“Yeah, okay,” Sebastian relents, putting his hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry. That one went a bit too far.”

Kurt breathes in deep, exhales long. “Look, when we first got together and divvied up responsibilities, you put me in charge of planning summer vacation.”

“Because I thought you’d send us to all sorts of exotic locales with clothing optional activities.”

“We do those over spring break! And on our birthdays! And over New Year’s! We’ve flashed more people than Tara Reid! I like going to the beach house in the summer! It’s tradition!”

“But we can go anywhere in the world!”

“I don’t wanna go anywhere in the world!” Kurt parrots in a whiny voice. “I wanna go to the beach house!”

Sebastian slaps his hands on his thighs and pushes up to his feet. “Fine. Whatevs. Just do me a favor. For me. Because you supposedly love me.”

Kurt rolls his eyes so far back in his head he glimpses his soul. “I guess …”

“Get on your phone and check out some other spots that you might want to go to. Any spot, regardless of distance or cost. Then we’ll compare, list pros and cons, and together we’ll make an educated decision. That way we’ll know one hundred percent for certain that there isn’t somewhere else that tickles your fancy.”

“I already know …”

“Just this once,” Sebastian says, cutting into Kurt’s grousing, “and again, because you love me.”

Kurt’s face pinches, his lips pulled tight to avoid creasing. He drops his head back on his shoulders in exasperation and reaches in his robe pocket for his phone. “All right, all right. But shoo. I don’t need any distractions.”

Sebastian leans in to give Kurt a kiss, grinning when he swats him away like an irritating insect. “Your wish is my command, oh benevolent dictator.”

“That’s Expedia God to you.”

***

Sebastian makes himself scarce for more than an hour running odd errands - one of which includes buying Kurt his favorite cheesecake from the bakery down the block. He’s both encouraged and relieved when he returns home to find Kurt still in the living room when he should be at yoga, bent over his phone, staring intently at something on his screen.

He missed yoga for this, Sebastian thinks. He must be taking it seriously.

Even more than that, Kurt is smiling, lower lip pinched between his teeth, his eyes positively glowing.

‘Yes!’ Sebastian cheers silently, slipping into the kitchen to put away the cheesecake while allowing himself a moment to daydream about spending this upcoming summer vacation on the French Riviera, which they admittedly did last Christmas. Or in Jamaica, where they’d gone two falls ago. Or, like he’d thought, London, which is where they’d spent Fashion Week. Sebastian stops with his hand on the refrigerator door, chewing his own lower lip in thought. Looking back on their lives together as a couple, they have done their share of traveling around the world, even if they do spend every summer in North Carolina. So … spending another one there isn’t exactly a big deal. They’d recently booked a flight to Rio to coincide with the start of the school year, winging over after the egress of promiscuous co-eds vying for one final fling before hitting the books.

Jesus Christmas!

Is he being a jerk about nothing!?

Sebastian pulls out his cell phone and checks his calendar. Nearly every box of every month is filled with meetings, assignments, appointments. But aside from that, it’s cluttered with trips they’ve planned - the Cape for their anniversary; the Poconos for Kurt’s dad and stepmom’s anniversary; Munich for Oktoberfest, which happens to be a tradition that Sebastian started - one that Kurt hasn’t always been so fond of. He can appreciate the food. He can appreciate the beer. He can appreciate the authentic costumes and the lively music and dancing.

But the second people start hugging and slapping each other, he gets a little skittish.

Last year, Sebastian flew Kurt to Milan last minute for Arbor Day, just to give him a reason to make the stupid day memorable. Thus is one of the perks of being rich. He’d planned on making that a tradition.

So that’s two of Sebastian’s traditions to one of Kurt’s.

Sebastian sticks his head in the fridge, smacking his forehead against the butter dish, and groans.

If Kurt wants to spend this summer - and every summer until the day they die - in North Carolina, is it really such a big deal?

But seeing Kurt stare at his phone with a huge smile on his face intrigues Sebastian. Even after everything, their whole argument, he did what Sebastian asked. He gave it a chance. What if he actually found somewhere else he wants to go? Skydiving? Spelunking? Scuba diving? Another hot air balloon ride?

Sebastian swallows hard remembering …

… they can do all those things in North Carolina.

He removes his head from the dairy section and closes the door. Then he strolls back into the living room, nonchalant smile on his face.

“You’re looking pretty focused there, babe. Did you find something you like?”

“Yup.”

Sebastian’s spine tingles with the possibilities. “Willing to share?”

“Well, in order for you to appreciate where I ended up on my journey, I’ll need to walk you through my process.”

“Do tell …”

“I didn’t have any particular locale in mind, but I knew I wanted to go to the beach, so I started looking up beaches.”

Sebastian nods. “Not venturing too far from the comfortable, I see, but still promising.”

“Tropical beaches, exclusive beaches, private beaches, beach resorts, islands …”

“A-ha …”

“I saw a link for this beach in San Diego called Dog Beach.”

“Very nice. Quaint. I’ve been there once or twice. Lots of nice little communities with bungalows …”

“I thought so, too. But I was clicking through the website and I saw the most amazing thing. Something I wouldn’t mind seeing in person.”

“Really?” Sebastian says hopefully.

“A-ha. It had pictures of a surf dog competition …”

Sebastian’s smile dips at the corners. His voice becomes a little tight. “Okay …”

“I clicked on it and …”

“Let me guess …” Sebastian drops his head into his hands, blunt nails digging into the cold spot on his forehead “… you’ve been watching videos of surfing dogs.”

“Yup.”

“For how long?”

“Oh, I don’t know. When was the last time you were in here?”

Sebastian’s arms drop to his side revealing his disgruntled expression. “You’ve been watching videos of dogs surfing for two hours!?”

“I guess. Time’s just … flown by …”

Sebastian watches in agony as Kurt switches to another tab on his phone, bringing up a YouTube video of a bulldog riding a skateboard. Kurt chuckles and shakes his head.

“How’d you learn how to do that?” he baby talks the screen. “You’re the goodest boy, aren’t you? 12 out of 10.” He scrolls down to the comment section to type that in.

Sebastian slaps his forehead. He turns on his heel and heads for the bedroom before he has the chance to go insane. To be honest, he should have known better. He walked into this one, what with his cockimamey ideas about going somewhere else over the summer. “Beach house it is.”

“If that’s what you think is best, dear,” Kurt mutters to Sebastian’s retreating back, deeply enthralled in another dog video. He waits till he hears Sebastian open the door to the bathroom, then closes out the video and composes a text:

To: Olivia

False alarm! We’re on for the beach house!

He giggles conspiratorially when a message immediately pops up.

From: Olivia

Thank God! See you there!

[bensakindofmagic]

Chapter Twenty

A/N: yo. so I'm back at uni and work is a little hectic. sorry uploads haven't been as regular, but I'm still loving making these moodboards. keep requesting folks. much love

Warning: angst, swearing

w/c: 2.1k+

Chapter Twenty

You winced as you walked to the kitchen the next morning. Bruises had formed overnight and left your skin mottled, hickeys punctuating them with with red. You still bore Ben’s handprint like a stamp of ownership. It stung sharply as you sat down. 

“Morning my love,” Ben smiled, kissing you on the cheek. “How’re you doing?” 

“A little sore. Sitting is… challenging.” 

“Oh, but you took it so well, princess.”

“Be careful using that name,” you said darkly. It was reserved for very specific circumstances.

He smirked, then asked, “Can I get you an ice pack?”

You shook your head, “No, baby, I’m okay.”

He was particularly affectionate with you that morning, as he always was after nights like that. It was as though he felt he needed to make it up to you, despite the fact that you probably enjoyed it even more than he did. He kissed your forehead as he laid your breakfast in front of you, and stroked your thigh under the table as you ate. He glanced over at you often, and smiled warmly whenever you caught him looking.

“You look beautiful this morning,” he beamed. “Love looks good on you.”

A warm laugh burst out of you like birds from a cage, “That is the cheesiest thing you have ever said!”

You leaned across and wound your hand around the back of his neck, exploring the softness of his skin there. “But I do love you.” When your lips met it was like the setting sun on a summer day in London, golden rays illuminating the divine in what before seemed mundane.

“I love you too,” he cooed. 

He insisted you stay in for the morning, so you sat at the breakfast table for hours. It sometimes still felt like a novelty to be able to just sit with him and talk, not through a phone or a computer screen, not worrying about wifi signal or your responsibilities. Ben’s hand rested lazily on yours, his pinky finger occasionally stroking the back of your hand. Every time he did it you smiled.

You were only interrupted by the buzz of your phone in your pocket, indicating an email. You wouldn’t usually look at work stuff while your were hanging out with Ben, but your body went on auto-pilot as you unlocked your phone and opened the new email in your inbox. 

You froze.  

The job for which you’d speculatively applied months ago, with a big studio in an expensive new franchise, full in the expectation that you wouldn’t get it so had therefore completely forgotten about, had just been offered to you. You had to reread the email four times to make sure you hadn’t got it wrong, or that you weren’t dreaming — which still felt like a distinct possibility because when Ben spoke his voice sounded so distant from you. 

“Y/N? What is it?” 

“I’ve been offered a job,” you said more to yourself than to him. 

“Congratulations,” he smiled, squeezing your hand. “What for?”

“A new sci-fi franchise. It’s three films, back-to-back, with the possibility of promotion if they like me. The shoot starts in a month in LA.” Even saying it out loud didn’t make it seem more real. 

“Oh right. Wow,” he said, distinctly unenthusiastically. Slowly, he retracted his hand, instead clasping it in the other on his lap. 

“This is insane,” you laughed. “I applied for this on a whim, I never actually thought I’d get it.”

“Are you going to take it?” There was a bitterness in his voice that brought you back to yourself.

“I’ve only just got the offer through Ben, I don’t know.” 

“But you want to, right?” 

“Of course I want to. It’s an incredible opportunity for me.” 

He huffed and stood, turning his back on you.

“Opportunity to do what? What are you looking for Y/N?” 

The question stunned you, you had not anticipated his anger. He was supposed to be excited for you, but when he faced you there was fury in his eyes.

“You’ll spend probably three years in LA to become what, second AD? First? That’s the height of your ambition?” 

“No Ben, but this is a huge step—”

“Step towards what goal? Where does you career end? You’re not trying to become a producer, so what?” he spat, venom in his voice.

“I knew you felt weird about that! I knew you didn’t get it.” 

“No I don’t get it. I don’t get why you’re actively wasting your time.”

You gawked at him, your anger overtaking your hurt, “So you think my job is a waste of time, do you?” 

He started to refute you but rage was already hissing in your throat. “Don’t go getting all ‘holier than thou’ on me, Ben,” you rambled. “Just because I’m behind the camera, doesn’t mean what I do is less valuable. I like being a PA, I enjoy my job. And I’m good at it. I like the rush, the variation, I like problem solving. I like working with creative people, even if some of them are pretentious arseholes,” you shot pointedly. “Don’t be so naïve as to presume we all need exceptional success to validate us.”

He rolled his eyes dismissively, “You know that’s not what I meant.” 

“Then what did you mean?”

He huffed loudly, and gesticulated, “My career is here, Y/N, in London.” 

“You’re about to go away for five months.” Your temper was starting to bubble like acid.

“That’s hardly three years!”

Barbed words scratched harshly through your throat, “And what exactly makes your career so much more important than mine?”

“What makes your career more important than me?!” he yelled. 

You raised your voice to meet his, stomping your foot at the tears threatening to fall, “This isn’t about you.” 

“It’s about us,” his voice cracked. He went ominously quiet and all you could hear was your heart thundering in your chest. “You expect us to last if you move to LA for three years?”

“Don’t you dare,” you whispered, tears now spilling uncontrollably down your cheeks, “Don’t you dare ask me to choose.” 

“The choice is in front of you, I don’t need to ask,” he spat. With that he turned tail and stormed away. He grabbed a jacket and his keys and left you alone in the apartment that was once his. It wasn’t until you heard the slamming of the door that you shattered into pieces.

———

Who does he think he is? 

You made yourself a cup of tea with a heavy clatter of metal on porcelain on marble. You had been oscillating between rage and heartbreak all day, with a barrage of tears accompanying you through it all. As the sun sank lower into the sky your mind rampaged: you couldn’t believe Ben had been so selfish, you couldn’t believe he hadn’t supported you, been excited for you. The fact that you had even been offered the job was a huge achievement but he hadn’t cared at all, much less encouraged you in it. He didn’t even entertain the idea of you going, and him possibly going with you — he could easily get work in the US, especially in LA, for a few years. Maybe he wouldn’t move permanently but he could go back and forth. You’d be long distance a lot of the time anyway, why did it matter if that was based in London or LA? But of course Ben had just fucked off and denied you any opportunity to even discuss the logistics. It was him or the job. No compromise. How could he even ask, when he knew what your answer would be? You had made it very clear from the start that you would never let a man hold you back in your career; it was the reason it had taken so long for you to tell him how you felt. He knew — he knew — what your job meant to you. Did he want you to leave him? Was he giving you an ultimatum because he knew you wouldn’t pick him? As much as you wanted to pick him, as much as you loved him, you made a promise to yourself long ago that you would always choose your job. He was well aware of that. 

Of course he doesn’t want you to leave him, you’re being irrational, you thought to yourself, shaking the idea from your head. He loved you, there was no question. But he could bloody well come home and talk to me so I didn’t have to jump to conclusion, or at least answer the phone.

You had called him eight times throughout the day, and been consistently ignored.

The afternoon had well set in by the time you heard keys rattle in the door. You stayed sat at the kitchen table, staring firmly at the wall, until Ben rounded the corner and sat down opposite you. 

“So you’ve deigned to come home?” you said bitterly. 

Ben sighed, hanging his head, “Can we not do this please, Y/N?” 

“Not do what? Not mention the fact that: one, you were a selfish fuck about something great that’s happened for me, and two, you stormed out for literally HOURS and didn’t think to return my calls! I didn’t know what had happened to you, I had no idea if you were even coming home. At all.” 

“I’d never abandon you,” he refuted firmly. 

“Really?! Cause it felt an awful lot like you just did!”

You’d been determined not to cry in front of him, you wanted him to know how angry you were, but still tears clouded your vision and left tracks on your cheeks. 

“Look, can we have a rational discussion? I’ve been trying to clear my head all day — I didn’t want to come back until I could talk to you calmly.” 

With a face like thunder you spat, “I am perfectly capable of being rational and upset at the same time. Do not try and tell me I am being irrational for getting mad at you.” 

“No, of course not, that’s not wh—”

“I’m fuming Ben! And I have every right to be.” 

“I know. I know, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did and I should have told you where I was.” 

You stood in stunned silence, caught off-guard; you had geared yourself up for a screaming match, not an apology. 

“Right,” you grumbled. 

He rounded the table and came to sit beside you, taking your hand in his. There were grazes on his knuckles. 

“We need to work on communication, right?” 

You nodded. 

“So I’m asking you to listen to me.” 

“I can do that,” you whispered. 

“I lashed out because I was scared. The thought of you going to LA for three years fucking terrifies me and I don’t want you to go. But I didn’t know how to tell you that, knowing what your work means to you. I didn’t want to ask you to pick me. So I was angry with the situation and angry with myself for not knowing how to deal with it.”

He sighed, heaviness settling into his bones. He watched his fingers tracing shapes over the back of your hand. “I just don’t want to lose you.” 

“You should have been excited for me.” 

“I am,” he shrugged. 

You tilted his chin to make him look at you, “Don’t lie to me, Ben.” 

Melancholy-tinged green betrayed him. “I’m trying to be.” 

“What do you want me to tell you Ben? 

“That you won’t go.” 

You had been contemplating it while he’d been gone; whether to go or not. Of course you didn’t want to lose Ben, to leave him on the other side of the world. You’d already had a taste of long-distance and it was bitter on your tongue. But you just couldn’t pass up the opportunity. Sure, the big blockbuster thing wasn’t what you’d done before, or particularly what you wanted, but it gave you steady work for three years (in an industry where that was rare and precious) and possible promotions. Who knew where you’d be in three years? If you didn’t take the job not only would it feel like a betrayal of the person you had worked so hard to be, but you also knew that you’d forever wonder what might have been. And you’d likely resent Ben for not letting you find out. 

“You know I can’t do that.” 

He nodded, clearly not surprised but crushed none-the-less. Meekly, he asked, “So where does that leave us?” 

You gnawed at your lip. “I don’t know.” 

[current-mcr-news]

Casual Interactions #2: Full Transcription

Frank: I don't know if this is true but like, usual beverages, I'm fine with. If I drink red bull, even just a can of it, I have to urinate way more until I've dispersed the can.

John: It's like the same color in, same color out.

F: Well yeah, but also it's just like fishes and loaves. Like, I drink one can and I have liters of piss. Like, what the fuck?! How's that possible?

J: It really does all come back to you just really wanting to be an altar boy, doesn't it?

F: I guess, yeah. I feel like a lot of my personality and my demeanor is based on guilt that I received from the Catholic church as a young child.

J: So, welcome to episode number 2 of the Casual Interactions podcast. I'm John "Hambone" McGuire and joined with me as always is Frank Iero and Shaun Simon. How are you guys doing today?

Shaun: Hey, man.

F: Feeling good. Feeling handsome today.

S: Feeling handsome.

J: It never stops. You've always been handsome.

F: Aww! You son of a bitch!

J: Love you. Always have! So, we're going to continue with our origin story. So, this is Origin Story Part 2: Electric Boogaloo.

F: Mhm!

J: It's like The Exorcist with more breakdancing and jazz hands! So last episode we talked about starting the band up, how the band started up. We talked a little bit about touring. Why don't we bring it back to that. Let's talk about when we started, we had a rehearsal space.

F: Yes! Yes, a lockout, if you will.

J: It was a lockout.

F: I feel like when we first started playing together, it was my mother's basement.

J: Right. Now, his mom's basement was awesome and it was wall to wall carpet. When you hear "wall to wall carpet," you think, "Oh, it just goes from wall to wall with no hardwood floor space." No, there was actually carpet on the wall and ceiling.

F: Ceiling to wall, to ceiling to wall, to carpet, to floor, to door.

J: It was like being in a cube of shag carpet.

F: Ugh! Yeah, that didn't help at all.

J: Didn't soundproof at all!

F: It didn't soundproof anything, it didn't make you feel warm. It was just- you didn't wanna touch anything, it was just gross.

J: Yeah, you definitely didn't wanna walk around barefoot in there.

F: No! Ultimately, it was a basement.

J: It was.

F: You know? A moist, shag basement.

J: Right.

F: Yeah.

J: And you were living down there for a little bit. Like, that was your bedroom.

F: I was! Yes! I ended up getting allocated to the basement.

J: Yeah.

F: It was good though. It provided a separate living space and exit, and a place for me to smoke cigarettes in my room. That was pretty excellent, I loved that.

J: Yeah. Everyone's like, "Oh man, what would it be like to be a teenager, but a cool basement apartment?" It was never cool down there.

F: No!

J: It was just sticky. It was always sticky.

F: Yeah! Yep, balmy, I think was the word! It was pretty balmy.

J: And there was 5 of us in there at one point, with all our gear. So you had your bed in the corner, and you had all the musical instruments.

F: Yes.

J: Now when we were in high school, my bedroom was the band's rehearsal space.

F: That's right, that was the first one! Oh my god, yeah! Do you remember why we had to stop there?

J: Why did we have to stop?

F: Because your mom would come in and yell at us for not wearing ear plugs.

J: Yeah.

F: But you had like a full PA, it was crazy!

S: In your bedroom at your house in Clifton?

F: Yes!

J: My bedroom in my house in Clifton, my childhood home that I grew up in, my bedroom was over the garage. And I pushed all the furniture over to like, one wall, and on my dresser I stacked PA speakers and the PA. I had my bed kind of right by the door because it was the only safe way to get in and out of the room, because on the other side of the bed was a drum kit. There was a half stack, there was a bass amp.

S: Oh my god!

F: It was like an episode of Hoarders.

J: It was like an episode of Hoarders!

F: Like, "Well, I sleep on top of the PA!"

J: Yeah, it was dangerous. I mean, I literally- I'd literally have to like, ninja roll out of my bed to the right to make it out the door to go to the bathroom at night.

F: Also, I don't feel like anybody put their shit away.

J: No.

F: Like, it was just cables and pedals everywhere.

J: I had to get a tetanus shot once because someone left like, their leftover guitar string snippings when they changed their strings.

S: Oh, man.

J: It was cool though because my mother is a wonderful woman.

F: No, she's fantastic.

J: One special lady in her age bracket. And she was so concerned that we were gonna go deaf. Like, every time we'd play, she'd come in and she'd give us this impassioned plea to wear ear plugs. Meanwhile, my dad loved having the band at the house. He loved that there was music. My dad raised me with music, he loves music. So every time my mom would be up there like, kind of tearfully imploring us to put ear plugs in, my dad would be out on the grill and he'd be grilling us like- this is before you became vegetarian- he'd be making like, hot dogs and hamburgers. So we were always a very well fed band.

F: Oh, yes! Yes.

J: And then he would drive us to the gigs in his pickup truck. Thank god it never rained during any of those shows, but yeah. He put a tarp over our gear, drove us down to Newark, and we played those like, Spanish halls. It was a lot of fun.

F: That was fun.

J: Eventually, my mom wanted us to not play in the house because she's like, "If you're not gonna wear ear plugs, you can't practice here anymore!" So we went to Frank's house.

F: Ultimatum.

J: She did give us an ultimatum.

F: My mom didn't give a shit! But yeah, and again though, well fed. I think we would practice on Wednesdays and there was a pizza place nearby that had like, a special.

J: Or your mom would make lasagna.

F: Oh boy!

J: Yeah. We were such a chubby little band. Little stick arms and little stick legs, but man, we were loaded to the gills with lasagna and like, homemade garlic bread at all times.

F: Yes, at all times.

J: So there was 5 of us in the basement. It was myself, Shaun, Frank, our friend Neil, our friend Tim, and all our gear, and Frank's bed just jammed into the corner.

F: There ya go.

J: And we practiced for 8, 10 hours a day sometimes.

F: Yeah!

J: Before we eventually got the studio. We'd only-

F: It's weird that we didn't get better! I mean like, we got good but we didn't get real good. We just got good and fat.

J: Yeah, we got good and fat. What also didn't help though, in the summer it would get so hot we'd need to cool the room down a little bit, so we would always go to IHOP.

S: I was gonna say, yeah, we went to IHOP before practice.

J: Because it was inexpensive, and we would like, feast. So we'd get loaded upstairs on lasagna, we'd get loaded at IHOP on pancakes, and we came back and, yeah, it was- we were really well fed.

S: Passed out.

F: These were the days though, where you could go to a diner like, after practice. Go to a diner, order one cup of coffee, drink it all night and smoke cigarettes at the table like, for hours and hours!

J: Absolutely.

F: It was like an episode of like, Larry King or something. Just fucking smoking, drinking coffee for hours, and it would cost you $2.25.

J: Tops! Because it was like a buck for the coffee, and you always tip the waitress! Gotta tip the waitress! And let's not bear the lead here, you could still smoke indoors everywhere!

F: Exactly!

J: Everywhere! Do you know the last night- the last time that Pencey Prep played CBGB's was the night that they banned smoking in New York City?

F: No shit.

J: Yeah, so we-

S: Really? Oh wow.

J: Yeah, it was a big deal. The whole- so there was no one in the club. Like, no one was coming to see Pencey Prep, let's-

F: There were actually a couple of people!

J: A couple of people.

F: And I mean a couple... Four.

J: A couple of people, the bartender, and I think, half the other bands had already left. However, whoever was in the bar- we were smoking onstage, people are smoking at the bar, like, lighting one after the other after the other, because they knew at like, 3 o'clock in the morning when the bar closed, there was no more smoking indoors in New York.

F: Well, that's why Pencey had to quit. Had to stop because Shaun couldn't smoke onstage anymore.

S: That's it!

J: I mean, if you want the real behind the music answer-

F: That's true!

J: It was like, "Well, you can't smoke indoors..."

F: We pretended it was creative differences. It was actually the smoking ban.

J: It was the smoking ban! And honestly, if they ever offered an outdoor festival, we could get back together because Shaun could smoke onstage. You quit though.

F: Yes!

S: Yeah, no cigarettes anymore, man. Yeah.

J: Now you've got nothing holding you back.

F: Meth. He's gonna smoke meth.

S: Now it's meth.

F: "I got this meth pen I keep. Yeah, it's terrible for my teeth, but at least I quit smoking."

J: Jesus. So, we went from one small space to another. So, we eventually outgrew Frank's mom's basement and then we went to a studio in Clifton that was in a warehouse.

F: Yeah.

J: And we got a very very very very small room. It was almost as small as the basement, and a lot less ventilated.

S: Oh, the first one!

J: The first room, yeah.

S: That's right!

F: Eventually, I'm pretty sure they turned that original room that we got-

J: Into a bathroom.

F: Into a bathroom, that's how small it was. It was like a single person bathroom, right?

J: Yeah.

F: But it was a lockout. You could go there 24 hours, it was yours to make as much noise and as loud as you wanted.

J: Absolutely.

F: It was sweaty as fuck. And I also remember, didn't the lights not work for a little while? So we had to keep the door open.

J: Yeah.

F: Do you remember that?

S: Is that true? I don't remember.

J: Yeah, we had a-

F: It may have just been a lightbulb, but no one replaced it!

J: Ok so, no matter how small the room is, the ceiling is really really high!

F: Yeah! Exactly, exactly.

J: So, I forget what it took to finally get one of us to like, borrow a ladder from- I think we borrowed a ladder from my dad.

F: Possibly!

J: We drove it down there, we changed the lightbulb, and that was it.

F:Yeah.

J: We had a Coke machine right next door. They made a lot of money off of us on that Coke machine.

F: Nothing tastes better than like, a cold canned Coke.

J: It was the only thing cold in that entire warehouse.

F: This is true, this is true.

J: So, we were in that room for a while and that's where- we probably wrote half of Heartbreak in Stereo, in your mom's basement. Some of the songs, I had leftover from when I was like, 13-14 years old, and that's why the subject matter- if you listen back to Heartbreak In Stereo, is very like, "Oh, a 14 year old kid with feelings wrote this."

F: There ya go, yeah!

J: Yeah. So then we wrote more of it in your mom's basement. I think we finished it in that small room in that rehearsal place.

F: I would say, yeah. Probably.

J: Yeah. And that's about the time like, we-

F: Well, there- you know what? I actually- I'm getting a flashback. There is an interstitial moment-

J: What's that?

F: Between my mom's basement and us going to hourly rehearsal studios, before the lockout. That was before, I think, a room had opened.

S: Right.

J: Oh, that was Backstage.

F: Right? There was Backstage, and then there was one on like, 1 and 3?

J: Oh, the one on 1 and 9?

F: 1 and 9, rather.

J: It was so hard to get to.

F: Yeah! It was so fucking-

J: It was so hard to get into. Most of us, we went there once. We went to Backstage a bunch of times. Now, Backstage Studios was in Little Falls, New Jersey.

F: Mhm, yep.

J: And I don't think it's there anymore.

F: I believe it's something else now.

J: It's something- I think it's called Smacktone now.

F: Okay.

J: So it was like, if you watch an 80s movie with the heavy metal bands, like this is where they practiced.

F: Oh, definitely.

J: And you know, all the amps were in various states of disrepair, they had pictures of all the bands that practiced there on the wall.

S: Yeah!

F: Mhm.

J: Including a picture of the guy who ran the place's old band, Transcontinental.

F: Oh, wow!

J: Right? And I remember this because like, you'd go in there, your friends would tell you like, "Hey, you know, Backstage is cool to practice at. You definitely wanna check it out. Check it out, it's fine, they're decent rates. They're cool if you cancel at the last second, they're not gonna like, gouge you, but you just ask for The Worm." And, I'm like-

F: The Worm!

J: "The Worm?" And like, "Yeah yeah yeah, just ask for The Worm." And I'm like, "Who- why do they call him The Worm?" Like, "Just ask for The Worm." And so, I remember going there once and I was like, "Hey, can I talk to The Worm?" And the guy got so pissed. Like, I don't even remember what his real name is, and he's like, "Don't call me that! No one calls me The Worm!" And he had like this thick German accent that I'm not going to insult the German people by trying to do that accent. Like, just imagine Hans Gruber yelling at you-

F: Oh Jesus!

J: -about trying to book your hourly rehearsal place. So we finally get there, we're going there for weeks, we're going there for weeks, and our friend Tim is looking at the pictures on the wall, and he sees the band Transcontinental. He's like, "Wow, that guy- oh my god, it's the guy that runs this place!" We all come over, we're all looking over. Now, everyone in this band is wearing like, the tightest like, you got poured into these jeans. And he had this big ol' dick that was just hanging down the side of his leg! You know like, in Police Academy where Steve Guttenberg puts the balloon down his pants? Yeah, except that this was all meat. And I'm like, "Wow, I guess that's why they call him The Worm!"

S: Oh fuck.

J: Yeah, so we didn't practice there too long... So after- What the fuck was that?

F: I have no idea! Did that come out of you?!

J: It wasn't me! Oh shit!

F: [imitates stomach gurgling] Please save that! I don't even care if it makes the- if it doesn't make the podcast! You just have to save it for us!

J: No, it's in there! So, after we learned the secret of The Worm, we ended up at the lockout. And the lockout, we spent a lot of time and we wrote the rest of the record, and we eventually recorded the record which became Heartbreak In Stereo. We went on our one ill-fated tour, and then uh, Neil left the band.

F: Mhm.

S: Wait, but at that practice space. Remember, isn't that when Hambone swallowed and then threw up a goldfish?

F: That was the rehearsal- that was the hourly! At Backstage, and I actually think that that-

J: I forgot that!

F: I think that is online somewhere. I think there's a video of that!

J: Don't Google it.

F: Oh.

J: I just, I'm sure it is. I'm sure it is.

F: I think it's like, the offical video for-

S: The Secret Goldfish.

F: The Secret Goldfish, yeah! That's how she got her name.

J: Holy shit, I completely forgot that I actually did that.

F: Yeah!

J: Why did I do that?

F: You were doing it for- that was your thing!

J: That was a party trick! That was a party trick that I used to do.

F: Yeah! You did it a couple times.

J: Yeah, if you had an aquarium in your house and I came to one of your parties in the late 90s, I'm really sorry!

F: "That's a really cool fish! It'd be cooler if it was inside me."

S: "I'm gonna swallow that fish. Hold on!"

F: "Don't worry, I'll give it back. I'm just gonna borrow it for a second."

J: Jesus Christ, I'm really sorry about that PETA. And anyone who-

F: Goddamn!

J: -who would be upset by this. I don't- I barely remembered that happened.

F: Well, here's the thing! Fish only have a like, memory for what, like 9 seconds or something, right?

S: Yeah, you might as well just swallow them. It doesn't matter.

F: Yeah! All I'm saying is if you hack them back up, like, he's gonna be alright. He's not gonna remember.

S: I don’t think they were alive though, were they?

F: Yes, they were!

S: They were?!

J: They were.

F: Very much so.

S: When you threw them back up?

J: Yeah.

F: Yeah!

S: Oh shit!

J: Oh god.

F: Alright, here's the thing. One, I don't remember how that started.

J: I don't remember. I think it was a dare.

F: I'm sure that- yeah.

J: Or I lost a bet.

F: But why did you think that you could do that? You know what I mean?! Like-

J: I don't remember! I think they uh- Oh! Because I think I was telling a story once how I used to be able to throw up on command to get out of going to school.

F: Yes! Yes, that's true, I remember you being able to do that.

J: Yeah, it was great because any time I needed to get out of school for something or like, you know, the bully was coming around, I'd get out of it.

F: Right.

J: So, yeah, I was pretty good at-

F: Nothing will stop a fight like throwing up on somebody!

J: Seriously, yeah.

F: That's true!

J: But we didn't even escalate it to that point. I would never even have to leave the house. You know?

F: I like that.

J: I was like, sitting around watching Sally Jesse Raphael in my pajamas while everyone's at work, because I was like, "I'm sick, I'm throwing up." It's like, "Well, now I'm gonna go eat this microwave pizza because I'm fine." So yeah, so I did that at Backstage, and then we got to the rehearsal space. When we got the lockout, we took it a little more seriously because we were definitely paying a lot more for it.

F: Yeah.

J: I think we were paying like 500 bucks a month for that like, tiny bathroom that we were practicing in.

F: Were we really?!

J: Yeah.

S: That's a lot!

F: That sounds like a lot, especially at that time!

J: Yeah.

F: I would say- that sounds high to me. But okay. I mean-

J: It was.

F: Yeah, that kinda goes back to like, the original origin story when we were talking about having the means to do this and sacrificing everything in your life. Like, that was truly us to a tee of, like, "Alright, well, I'm gonna not eat. I'll still buy cigarettes, know what I mean? And weed, but I'm gonna make this work so that-"

J: The important stuff!

F: Yeah! So you know, the creative stuff!

J: Creative juices, gets it flowing.

F: "So that I can do this." You know? I think, thank god we had really understanding families as well-

J: We did.

F: -you know, that didn't kick us out on our asses. At least not at that point. You know what I mean? That came later. But like-

J: Yeah, mine too.

F: Hey, at some point, you have to. That's the- Jersey curses a lot of people like, being 40 and being like, "Alright, I guess I have to get an apartment now." Like, a lot of people are still home. I mean, we moved out pretty early.

S: Yeah.

J: Yeah, I got out when I was 25. 24 or 25, and the only reason why, I think, I stayed as long as I did was because I was touring. So it was kind of, my home was a home base for me. So, it was about 500 bucks a month for this small room. We got the opportunity when another band broke up and-

F: Yes!

J: Subsequently, I think, 3 bands broke up in a room down the hall that was like, 2 and a half times the size of our room, broken up into 2 rooms.

S: Yeah.

F: Mhm.

J: Because there was a lounge room and an actual practice room.

F: Yeah. That was like the penthouse of fucking practice spaces.

J: It was like the penthouse, and it was almost- I think it was $1,200 a month.

S: Was it that much?!

J: Oh yeah.

S: Holy shit.

J: Yeah, so, I mean, I was waiting tables and working in bars at the same, so I was putting- I was paying for most of it.

F: Yeah.

J: To keep it afloat so we could keep having a place to practice, because you know, once we moved over to the new place, it was just I Am A Graveyard. And we started trying to share it with some other bands. Now, do you remember the way it was set up? I lived there for a little bit because I had a falling out with my parents.

S: Right.

F: Mhm.

J: Over like, you know, how much money and how much time I was spending in bands, and how I'd dropped out of college like, for the fourth time, and how I needed to find like, some level of responsibility. Where, when you really look at being a musician, being any kind of artist, like, it's a second job if you're taking it seriously. So, if you're putting in whatever hours you gotta put in to make ends- you know, 9-5 or like, graveyard shift, doing whatever you gotta do. And then you have your other job which is a full time job.

F: Oh, definitely.

J: Which, you know, for my parents and a lot of parents in our- in the older generation, they didn't understand that because things were supposed to be a certain way.

F: Mhm.

J: So I was living in the rehearsal studio for a while, and I remember it because the guys next door, their drummer was also living in the rehearsal studio as well, in their room. So we had- he was like my first neighbor. Like, my first apartment, he was my first neighbor. And in the lounge room, we had a TV set up. We had a full stereo, we had a little refrigerator, and we had a microwave.

F: Yes.

J: Now, what was cool was we had a Food Basics that was right in front of where he used to practice. So we were able to got there and I'd like, you know, get like full things of Chef Boyardee and like, little microwave food. So, it was a legit first apartment. And he did the same thing, and you know, knock on your neighbor's door to borrow a cup of sugar. Like, knock knock, "Do you have any Chef Boyardee?" And I'm like, "Yeah man, here's some Ramen, do your thing. Live your truth." Now, the funny thing is about where we were: Now our old room, years later, was turned into a bathroom and I still- I practice there on the regular, and that room is the bathroom that's right by where we practice on our floor. The bathroom where it used to be was on the third floor.

F: Right.

J: Now, the third floor bathroom was a murder bathroom.

F: Yeah, it was.

J: They had a lounge on the third floor with a couch that had- just, it just- covered in jizz. I mean, that couch is just- and we're talking like, jizz from like, three generations of musicians. And-

F: I never wanted to go up- I think we’d-

S: We used to pee in corners.

F: -pee in bottles.

J: We used to pee in like-

S: Oh, yeah, that's-

J: In Burger King cups.

S: I-

F: You just peed in the corner?! Goddamnit!

S: Well, not in our room! In the hallway!

F: Oh right, oh, yeah yeah.

J: No, we pissed in the room too. We did. We pissed in the room, we pissed in the cups, and the Gatorade bottles, and we'd leave them on the windowsill and some days, they'd fall over.

F: Sometimes, it happens.

J: And we almost- the first we almost got evicted was because the people in the warehouse downstairs were complaining because there were cups of falling piss, and they traced it back to our room.

F: It wasn't hard.

J: So, I'm living in the rehearsal studio, I'd have to go to the bathroom. And I'm there late at night, and it is scary there during the day. At night, it had like 3 stalls, and a couple urinals, and it had a shower.

S: Ugh!

F: Yeah.

J: I never used the shower there. I would always sneak back into my parents' house. Because as much as I was taking a stand, I was always sneaking back into their house and using the shower, or like, showering at a friend's house, because like, I thought I was gonna get murdered in this place!

F: Oh yeah, no. That- yeah. I'd rather get murdered than take a shower there.

J: Yeah, so. So bands would live there. They actually established a rule later on that bands are not allowed to have people living there.

F: Yeah.

J: Probably because of me.

F: Wow, yeah. And then also, unfortunately, like years and years later, someone passed away there.

J: Someone did die, yeah. There was a carbon monoxide leak, and unfortunately, someone did pass away there. So, it's- that's what we were up to. We were in that room and I come back one day, and so- There's two rooms. It's the lounge room and there is the main room which is huge. You could fit two bands, two and a half bands comfortably. I come back one day, and Mr. Shaun Simon just decides, "You know what? I don't like this wall here."

F: Yeah!

J: And he just demolished the wall.

F: Sledgehammered it.

S: What?!

F: Yeah! You don't remember this?!

S: No!

F: Oh my god! Alright.

S: Wait, between the two rooms?!

F: Yes!

J: Between the two rooms, yeah!

F: That's why it wasn't there anymore!

J: Yeah.

S: Come on!

F: You took a sledgehammer and knocked it down without telling anybody!

S: I couldn't have been the only one behind that.

F: Yes you were! Well, we- it had been talked about. "Oh, look at how much more space we would have if this wall wasn't here!"

J: And I said, "Don't do it! We'll probably get in so much trouble."

F: "Yeah, we don't own this fucking place!"

J: Now, mind you there is-

F: Also, none of us are knowledgeable enough to know how to do this the right way!

J: So it's in an industrial park, right?

F: Yes.

J: So there's a giant dumpster outside. So I come in one day, and there's all this like, sheet rock and like, wood and shit in the dumpster, and I'm like, "Oh, that's crazy." And then I look up- and I looked at it and I see the sheet rock, and it's painted, and it's this green color. And I was like, "Wow, that's- that looks like our room's green color."

F: "That's a familiar emerald green."

J: "I wonder if other rooms are painted the same way." And then I walked in, and mind you, the- in the lounge area, I had completely wallpapered the walls with different posters and different pictures and stuff like that. So, the lounge had its own atmosphere. Well, no more! Because I come in and all that's left is this power strip that goes down to a four panel electrical socket.

F: Yes, that's now just dangling because-

J: Right in the middle of the room.

S: I didn't do that by myself!

F: Yes you did!

S: Really?!

F: I- Yes! And I'll tell you how I know that you did it.

S: Wait. You weren't there with me?! I was-

F: No! I showed up-

S: Come on!

F: -and you were covered in sheet rock, with goggles on, holding a hammer! A large sledgehammer!

S: Really?!

F: And I was like, "Oh my god!"

S: Because this sounds like something we would've done together.

F: Yeah it does, but we didn't!

S: Fuck!

J: Well, yeah, because I immediately blamed you!

F: I know! And I was like, "I told him this was a bad idea!" I- yeah, none of us were-

S: Wow!

F: Yeah. First off, here's the thing. You're renting a place that is a certain way.

J: Yes.

F: You can't just knock down a wall. Or you shouldn't, at least, without permission. Also, none of us were knowledgeable to do anything like that. Like-

J: Right.

F: I feel like you should have some sort of experience in construction and/or demolition and/or electrical and/or- yeah! Of course.

J: Like, my brother is a contractor now.

F: Yes.

J: Back then, not so much. But I think he probably took woodshop, so he at least would've had a better idea on what to do. So, now we had this completely double wide room.

F: Yeah!

J: And then we started inviting other bands. And so, at one point, in there we had Murder By Death.

F: Yep.

J: We had Thursday, and then eventually- well, The Hostage was there.

F: The Banner.

J: The Banner, and then My Chem.

F: Day at the Fair was there.

J: Day at the Fair was there for like a hot second. They were just kinda passing through. It's crazy though because I did go to Asbury Lanes the other night to see Thursday perform. And they wrote War All The Time in our room.

F: Mhm.

J: You guys wrote Bullets.

F: Yep.

J: In our room. The Banner wrote like, a record in our room as well. So, I mean, everyone put out stuff in that rehearsal space, which I think is pretty cool.

S: And My Chem also shot your first video for Vampires.

F: We did! And Murder by Death did a video.

S: Did they?

J: Yeah.

F: Yeah. Alright, so back into construction.

J: Right.

F: I feel like, once the wall came down, like the Berlin Wall, all bets were off. It was like, "Now we can do anything!"

J: "Now we can do anything."

F: "We're free! We're free to do whatever." And we built a set for that video within the room, and then decided to keep it. Like, we made flooring.

S: Yeah.

F: I remember that was another thing too was, we put down these like, plywood sheets-

J: Right.

F: Then Gerard and I painted all that stuff overnight.

J: Yeah!

F: And got so high from the fumes that it was like, "What are we- I don't even know what we're doing." Like, you know- it was crazy!

J: Well, speaking of Gerard, it's funny because we- he and I one night, I don't even know how it happened, but I think you had paint leftover. So we painted the door.

S: That's right!

J: Not the inside of the door.

F: No, the outside, yeah.

J: We painted the outside of the door to the room black. And I had a stencil of Elvis, so we got white paint, and we got a bunch of other stencils, and we painted the little picture of Elvis on top, and the door itself said, "Who will survive and what will be left of them?"

F: Yep.

J: And that's why Murder By Death named that record that they wrote there Who Will Survive And What Will Be Left Of Them.

F: Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

J: Because at that point, we've already done construction, we're doing whatever the fuck we want in this place.

F: Fuck it, yeah!

J: So many bands had shot their videos there.

F: "Try to kick us out!"

J: Oh, they tried.

F: Yeah.

J: However, do you know what saved us?

F: Umm, love.

J: Uh, no.

F: No, oh, okay.

J: I narced on another band.

F: What?!

J: No, it had to be done.

F: Uh oh.

J: So, there was a guy who was the property manager there.

F: Okay.

J: Right? And you know, you'd run into other bands in the parking lot and people are like, "Man, like, am I crazy or- my knobs on my amp are all like, turned differently." And like, "Yeah, I'm missing like, this piece of my gear. I'm missing this piece of my gear." Like, there was stuff that would go missing, stuff that would be kind of moved around in rooms. Like, people were going in with the dude and messing around with people's gear, and like stealing stuff, and doing whatever.

S: Oh.

F: Oh, wow!

J: Because he had a master key.

F: Right.

J: So, him and his friends used to party up on the third floor on the aforementioned jizz couch, and one night, they wrecked the entire third floor.

F: I remember that!

J: There as a giant stuffed bear. Like the giant stuffed bears they sell at Costco now, that are the size of like, an actual full sized bear.

F: Yes. I have one in that closet and I'm saving it for Christmas.

J: Do you really? Just ripped apart, like, stuffing everywhere. So, we had just been blamed for like, the pee cups, we had been blamed for- they were mad at us for painting the door. All this stuff is going down. So, I just marched right into the office. And I walked in and- also, the rent was coming mostly from me, it was constantly late. So, you know, they're already on us for paying the rent late, so I just march right in the office and I go see the guy, George, who's running the place. And I sit down and he's like, "What do you want?" And I said, "Listen, out of respect for you and out of respect for your establishment, and out of self-preservation, I'm gonna tell you that it wasn't us who wrecked the third floor. Because I know, we've been getting blamed for everything." And he's like, "Well, because you guys do everything." And I was like, "Well, you know, be that what it is-"

F: "Neither here nor there!"

J: "We did not wreck the third floor." "Well, who did?" And I was like, "Well, who do you think wrecked the third floor?" I was like, "Who has a key to everything?" I was like, you know, "Who has access to the place even more than the bands do?" And he got like, real quiet for a second and I was like, "You know, just think about that. Just know, it wasn't us." And he got up, and he says, "Well, that took a lot of integrity for you to march in here like that," and he shook my hand, and he said, "Thank you very much," and we never had a problem again.

F: Hm.

J: So, I didn't actually say who it was, I just, you know-

S: Right.

J: Alluded.

F: Interesting. I'm still not putting the pieces together. I have no idea who did it.

J: Oh, he knew.

F: I think it was Shaun, to be honest!

S: Honestly, it might've been.

F: It might've been!

S: Might've been. I could've- I wouldn't know.

F: Blacked out, tore down a wall, and killed the stuffed bear.

J: Yeah.

S: You would think I was doing a lot of drugs but I never did.

F: No!

J: You didn't.

S: Never.

J: You know, for those listening at home, it was the burnout on the jizz couch with the giant bear.

F: Oh, man.

J: Mystery solved.

F: Mr. Mustard.

J: Yeah, so eventually, you know, we did ultimately leave that studio. Everyone eventually left that studio. For the time and place though, it was pretty hopping. We had a lot of fun there, and we also-

F: I met my wife there.

J: You did meet your wife there.

F: Yeah, first time I ever met her.

J: Isn't that cool?

S: I think I met my wife, too!

F: Yes, probably!

S: I think she showed up in the studio one day.

F: Isn't that weird?

S: That's fucking weird.

J: I wasn't so lucky.

F: Aww.

J: So, we are gonna wrap up this episode and next episode, we're gonna talk a little bit about touring, and a little bit about traveling back in the day, versus what it's like to tour and travel today. Frank, do you have any last thoughts on the studio?

F: Oh geez. Well, one thing that I do not miss, is the death trap of an elevator that you would have to load out of.

S: Oh god.

J: Oh god.

F: That was always- I still have nightmares about it. Here's the thing. It's a freight elevator, that sometimes would run, and sometimes wouldn't run. And you would have to kinda stick your hand into the guts of it and pull a rope to let you go up or down.

J: Right.

F: And there's a sign that like, you know, “easy to read” is questionable, that said like, you're not supposed to ride inside it. But if you didn't, it would send all your gear all the way down to like, this dark basement that was half flooded and full of snakes and bugs and rats and bullshit, and then you would never get your gear again. So, you had to ride in there to actually operate the elevator and make sure it got off at the right floor.

J: Scary.

F: Yeah. It almost was set up as a guillotine, where there was a space open in it and if you had any kind of appendage or a head sticking out, it would cut you off as it fell to the floor. I still have nightmares about that elevator and I'm so glad that I never have to go on that thing again.

J: How about you, Shaun? Any final thoughts on the studio?

S: I remember- because as you were saying that you did pay for most of us- I mean, I didn't have a job at the time. I remember buying you a car.

F: Ah!

J: You did buy me a car!

S: To make up for that-

F: How about that?!

S: At some point.

F: Yes.

J: That was the single greatest gift, I think, anyone has ever given me.

F: Green Hell!

J: Green Hell.

F: Green Hell!

S: And it was like, I remember I bought it, and you and Frank showed up and it was sitting in the parking lot.

F: Yes.

S: Is that what happened?

F: That was incredible.

J: So, Shaun and I got fired from this supermarket reset job that we had, that we're gonna talk about a little more in the next episode, because it does have to do with traveling and how we used to travel back then.

S: Oh, yeah.

J: So, we were driving around. And I was driving the Pencey Prep van around and it was my daily driver car. I sold my car to get the van. Holy shit, was that a bad deal! So, I'm driving the Pencey Prep van around and that's the only motor transportation I had. We drive past this dude's house, and on the street, there is a '69 Ford LTD, murder black with neon green flames. Like, Rat Thing (?) green.

F: Oh, so cool.

J: And I was like, "Oh man, I wish I had a car like that." I'm just like, so tired of driving this van around. Because like, you know, running out and just trying to go to the supermarket, or go to the liquor store to get a 6-pack, im with this giant murder van. And so, I was driving Frank around for something, I came back to my house, and it's parked out in front of my driveway. Shaun actually went out and bought the car. He knocked on the guy's door, and made a deal, and I own this beautiful vintage car that was a monster, and people thought I was so much tougher than I was.

F: Oh, yeah.

J: Because im driving around in there, but man, I'm a big ol' softie.

F: That was a badass gift, dude.

J: That was a fantastic gift.

S: Well, it was a very Hambone car.

J: It was a very Hambone car.

F: It was, absolutely.

J: And i've never forgotten that, Shaun. Thank you for that, man, that meant the entire world to me.

F: Well, you did until we just reminded you. So.

J: So, we're gonna wrap up this episode. Frank, where can people find you?

F: I am on Twitter @frankiero. I am on Instagram @frankieromustdie. And I have a website, frank-iero.com

J: Very cool. Shaun, you got anything you wanna plug?

S: Wizard Beach is still on its way out. I don't know when this is gonna show.

J: This'll either be right before or right after Wizard Beach. Definitely go and check out Wizard Beach when it hits stands. And who's putting it out?

S: BOOM! Studios.

J: BOOM! Studios, Wizard Beach, check that out. You can find me at maitaitv.com for my other podcast, Mai Tai Happy Hour. It is a Tiki pop culture podcast. You could also find me, The Vintage RPG podcast, wherever great podcasts are listened to. And for Frank Iero and Shaun Simon, I'm John "Hambone" McGuire. Join us next month for another episode of Casual Interactions. Until then, hold onto your friends.

[davessecretary]

So there was a once-internet-famous bunch of stories by one davesecretary, but the site went away, and I had to dig into the Internet Archive to find them. Originally there were more on other sites, and there were copies around, but they all disappeared, and this is all I could recover.

EVERY GODDAMNED CHRISTMAS MY DAD AND MY UNCLE RON GET INTO IMPORTANT ARGUMENTS ABOUT POLITICS AND THE BEST AIRPORTS IN ZURICH AND WHICH PRESIDENTS ARE ASSHOLES IN PERSON AND THAT SORT OF THING. MY OTHER UNCLE D. IS KIND OF THE BLACK SHEEP IN THE FAMILY AND WE DON'T PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO HIM.

ANYWAY THIS ONE CHRISTMAS MY DAD & RON ARE REALLY GOING AT IT, SOMETHING ABOUT AFRICA, WHEN UNCLE D. WALKS INTO THE MIDDLE OF THINGS GINGERLY CARRYING THIS TAPE LIKE IT WAS A DYING CHILD AND LOOKS COYLY AT MY DAD AND RON AND SAYS "SO, I BET YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT SONG IS THIS!!"

AND MY DAD AND RON COULDN'T CARE LESS AND SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT HOW THERE'S NO TIME BUT UNCLE D. IS ALREADY BREAKING THE TAPE DECK AND JAMMING IN HIS PRECIOUS TAPE. HE FLASHES US A SLY LOOK AND SAYS "I BET NOBODY HERE WILL GET THIS" AND PRESSES PLAY

IT'S FUCKING 'HEY JUDE'. 19 PEOPLE IN THE LIVING ROOM ALL SAY 'IT'S HEY JUDE' AT THE SAME TIME AND LOOK AGGRAVATED.

UNCLE D. LOOKS AT US ALL IMPISHLY AND SAYS 'NO'.

I'M PASTING THIS FROM THE SMALL TALK THREAD BECAUSE IT SHOULD GO HERE:

ALSO A PRETTY SWEET STORY AT SCHOOL INVOLVING THE WORD 'CARROT'

WE'RE LEARNING ABOUT WEBER AND MY RUSSIAN TEACHER HAS AN ACCENT AS THICK AS MY CLASSMATES AND IS GOING ON ABOUT HOW SCIENCE CAN ACTUALLY PROVE SOMETHING WHEREAS ENGLISH OR ARCHITECTURE CANNOT.

SOME INBRED URCHIN IN THE FRONT ROW SLAMS HIS BIG HAMMY FIST ON THE DESK AND DEMANDS CLARITY.

MY RUSSIAN TEACHER GIVES HIM A STERN LOOK AND SAYS "SCIENCE CAN PROVE ZINGS ZEE GREEN GROZER CANNOT!"

IDIOT BRIGADE IN THE FRONT STILL DOESN'T GET IT. "GREEN GROZAY?"

"GREEN GROZER! GREEN GROZER!" MY TEACHER EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY

"GREEN GROZAY? WHAT'S GREEN GROZAY?!"

"GREEN GROZER! GREEN GROZER!! HE SELLS THE GREEN GROZERIES!!" TEACHER RETORTS

"OH!!" A SMALL LIGHT GOES ON SOMEWHERE WITHIN THAT MISERABLE CAITIFF. "THE GREEN GROWER!" HE SMILES BROADLY.

THEN, THEN, AS IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH, SOME WRETCH OF A GIRL DOWN THE ROW JUMPS UP FROM HER SEAT LIKE SHE WAS BITTEN AND SAYS IN THIS POSITIVELY AGHAST VOICE "BUT CARROTS ARE RED!!!"

SO THIS ONE TIME I'M OUT IN MY NEIGHBOR'S DRIVEWAY WITH MY BEST FRIEND KYLE AND HE'S TEACHING ME HOW TO RAISE A PUCK. WE'RE USING A REAL PUCK AND HE'S STANDING ABOUT 15 FEET DOWN FROM ME. I KEEP HITTING THE PUCK AS HARD AS I CAN BUT I CAN'T RAISE IT. KYLE IS JUST STANDING THERE ACTING ALL SUPERIOR AND GIVING ME INANE ADVICE AND PASSING THE PUCK BACK TO ME EACH TIME IT SLIDES OVER TO HIM.

ANYWAY I REMEMBER I GOT ALL FRUSTRATED AND DECIDED THAT THIS WOULD BE IT - I WAS GOING TO RAISE THAT FUCKING PUCK. SO I WIND BACK AND TAKE MAYBE THE HARDEST SLAPSHOT OF MY LIFE. THE PUCK RAISES MAGICALLY. UP UNTIL THIS VERY SECOND NEITHER KYLE OR I REALIZE THAT IF I EVER DID GET THE PUCK IN THE AIR, KYLE WOULD BE IN SOME TROUBLE.

TIME PRETTY MUCH SLOWED DOWN FOR ME. THE PUCK IS A GOOD TWO FEET IN THE AIR AND IS MAKING A BEE LINE FOR KYLE'S DICK. I REMEMBER SEEING KYLE'S EYES OPEN UP VERY WIDE, AND I SEEM TO RECALL MYSELF SHOUTING OUT SOME OBVIOUS INSTRUCTIONS ABOUT HOW HE NEEDS TO STEP ASIDE RIGHT NOW.

KYLE ISN'T VERY BRIGHT, AND IS NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO MY INSTRUCTIONS. I CAN SEE THE GEARS TURNING IN HIS LITTLE BRAIN, AS HE TRIES TO COME UP WITH SOME SORT OF SOLUTION TO THE IMMINENT DANGER HE IS IN. "STEP ASIDE, KYLE, STEP ASIDE!!" I AM YELLING EARNESTLY.

KYLE EYES THE PUCK ONE LAST TIME AS IT FLIES A BILLION MILES AN HOUR TOWARDS HIS BALLS, AND AT THE LAST MINUTE DROPS TO HIS KNEES AND TAKES THE FUCKING THING IN THE FOREHEAD. KNOCKS HIM RIGHT THE FUCK OUT.

SO I'M ON THE BUS FOR SOME GODDAMNED REASON AND I AM LISTENING CAREFULLY TO THE CONVERSATION IN FRONT OF ME, HELD BETWEEN THIS BLOWSY SULKY GIRL WHO IS CLEARLY DOMINATING THE SITUATION AND HER 'BOYFRIEND', A SCRAWNY LOOKING MESS NEAR TEARS. THE FOLLOWING IS ALMOST VERBATIM.

SCRAWNY MESS: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'VE CHEATED ON ME?!

BLOWSY GIRL: I CHEATED ON YOU.

SCRAWNY MESS: (SNIFFLING MISERABLY) BUT.. BUT.. YOU CHEATED ON ME?

BLOWSY GIRL: (ALMOST INDIGNANTLY) YES.

SCRAWNY MESS: (TEARS FORMING) FOR HOW LONG?

BLOWSY GIRL: (WITH A HINT OF SATISFACTION) ABOUT A YEAR.

SCRAWNY MESS: (TEARS WELLING UP) OHHHHH NOOOO.

SCRAWNY MESS PAUSES TO REFLECT. THE BOY IS A VERITABLE DISTILLERY AT THIS POINT AND YOU CAN JUST TELL SOME SORT OF ULTIMATUM IS COMING. HE MASTERS HIS EMOTIONS AND BECOMES VERY STILL. I AM EXPECTING HIM TO GET ALL KUNG FU ON THIS GIRL. INSTEAD HE TURNS TO HER, WIPES THE TEARS FROM HIS EYES AND SAYS "STRIKE ONE, NANCY... STRIKE ONE."

I ALSO POSTED THIS IN THE SMALL TALK THREAD BUT IT SHOULD GO HERE:

SO IT'S CHRISTMAS AND MY FAMILY IS PLAYING 'SCATTERGORIES' AND EVERYONE IS DRUNK, ESPECIALLY MY STEP-UNCLE RICK. HE'S JUST RAVING DRUNK. IT'S CRAZY. SOMEONE ROLLS THE LETTER 'F' AND WE ALL SPEND 2 MINUTES TRYING TO FILL OUT THE BLANKS. THE TIMER DINGS AND WE GO AROUND TELLING EACH OTHER OUR ANSWERS.

THE FIRST CATEGORY IS 'VEGETABLE'. WE ALL GO AROUND AND WE GET TO DRUNK STEP-UNCLE RICK WHO LOOKS AT US ALL SMUGLY, DIGS UP THIS WIDE GRIN, AND THEN SAYS "FUCKING CARROTS!! BAHABDIUAGHF(*PA#HIOH BHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" AND LAUGHS LIKE A GODDAMNED DEMON KING FOR NEARLY A FULL MINUTE. ONCE HE'S SETTLED DOWN WE MOVE ON. THE NEXT CATEGORY IS 'THINGS YOU FIND ON THE BEACH' OR SOMETHING, AND WHEN WE GET TO RICK AGAIN WE ARE GIVEN THIS CONSPIRATORIAL WINK AND NOD, AND THEN HE SCREAMS OUT "FUCKING TOWELS, MAN!!! BBAHAHAHAHHAHA UAHDIUAHIUHAIUH AHAHAHAHAHA" AND AGAIN WE ARE UNNERVED BY HIS CRAZED LUNATIC LAUGHTER.

THIS GOES ON FOR SEVERAL ROUNDS! IT GETS TIRED REALLY QUICKLY! FINALLY, AROUND ROUND 7 OR 8 WE GET TO THE CATEGORY 'OCCUPATION'. WE GO AROUND AND GIVE EACH OTHER LOOKS OF DREAD AS DRUNK RICK'S TURN APPROACHES. FINALLY IT'S HIS TURN. WE BRACE OURSELVES FOR THE INEVITABLE 'FUCKING DOCTOR, MAN!!' OR 'FUCKING BUS DRIVER SHIT YEAH!!'. THE TENSION IS TERRIFIC. DRUNK STEP-UNCLE RICK CLEARS HIS THROAT, SHOOTS US A MANIACLE LOOK, AND THEN SAYS QUIETLY AND CALMY 'forensic scientist' AND THEN GIVES A CALM NOD TO THE PERSON ON HIS LEFT.

HE THEN GETS UP, WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN, AND FALLS DOWN ALL THE STAIRS INTO THE BASEMENT AND PASSES OUT.

SO WE'RE IN KANSAS CITY ON TOUR AND I CALL MY MOM AND I'M LIKE "MOM I'M IN WICHITA, THIS IS WHERE YOU GREW UP!!" AND MY MOM'S LIKE "YEAH IT'S NICE ISN'T IT? TALK TO THE PEOPLE, THEY'RE REALLY FRIENDLY!"

SO THEN I GO TO THE DOLLAR STORE TO SEE IF I CAN SCORE SOME FOOD BECAUSE I'M ON TOUR AND THEREFORE POOR AS ALL HELL AND I WITNESS THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION BETWEEN THIS LARGE, LAZY MAN OPERATING THE CASH REGISTER, AND THIS SHRIVELLED, WITHERED HUSK OF AN WOMAN, WHO IS SCREECHING AT EVERYONE WITHIN EARSHOT. SHE TURNS THE BRUNT OF HER FORCE ONTO THE IMMOVABLE LAZY MAN.

"I WANT TO BUY THREE CANS OF THIS TOMATO SAUCE BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE HERE. CHECK IN THE BACK!"

THE IMMOBILE MAN LOOKS UTTERLY BORED. "I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY IN THE BACK."

THE SHRILL OCTOGENARIAN DOESN'T SKIP A BEAT: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "THINK". GO CHECK! GO CHECK!"

THE LAZY LARGE MAN CASTS HER A GLANCE OF SLIGHT REPROVE: "I AIN'T CHECKIN'."

THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR OUR ANTAGONIST, OR POSSIBLY PROTAGONIST. SHE CLEARS HER THROAT AND SHRIEKS LIKE A BANSHEE: "WHAT IF I WANTED TO BUY A HUNDRED CANS!!!!!!!1"

THE LARGE MAN LOOKS AT THE WOMAN DISDAINFULLY AND SAYS WITH THE FIRST HINT OF A SOUTHERN ACCENT "WELL AH KNOW WE DON'T GOT A HUNDRED CANS IN THE BACK!"

SO JENN AND I ARE DRIVING THROUGH MICHIGAN WHICH IS KIND OF A DREARY STATE AND WE STOP IN SOME SMALL VILLAGE OR POSSIBLY BOOM TOWN WHO KNOWS AND LOOK FOR FOOD. THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I'M GOING TO FIND ANYTHING VEGAN SO I THROW IN THE TOWEL AND GET PREPARED TO EAT A SWEET GLASS OF WATER AND MAYBE A SALAD IF I'M LUCKY. WE GO TO THE NEAREST PLACE, WHICH HAPPENS TO BE THIS COMPLETELY RAMSHACKLED HUT. THERE IS THICK BLACK SMOKE POURING OUT OF A HOLE IN THE CORRUGATED IRON ROOF AND SWEARS COMING FROM INSIDE. A LARGE SIGN ADVERTISING A 60 OUNCE STEAK IS PEELING FROM ABOVE THE DOOR. THERE IS SOME SORT OF GREASE POOLING NEAR MY FEET. THIS IS GOING TO BE AN ADVENTURE!

SO JENN AND I WALK IN AND IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT. WHAT I ASSUME TO BE A CONVICTED FELON IS STANDING BEHIND THE BAR, YELLING OBSCENITIES AT THE COOK IN THE BACK, AN EQUALLY REPREHENSIBLE OAF WHOSE OUTRAGEOUSLY LONG MULLET IS SWEEPING OVER ALL THE FOOD.

I STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND TRY MY HAND AT CONVERSATION. "DO YOU HAVE A MENU?"

"NO MENU."

I SWING AGAIN "OKAY, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT ISN'T MEAT?"

THIS TIME THE COOK IN THE BACK TURNS A BEERY EYE ON ME. "WHAT DOES THAT KID WANT?"

"HE WANTS TO KNOW IF WE HAVE ANYTHING THAT ISN'T MEAT"

THE COOK TURNS TO ME "YEAH OF COURSE! WE HAVE FAUX-TURKEY AND MOCK CHICKEN, AND WE ALSO HAVE TOFU SCRAMBLER!"

THIS KNOCKS ME FOR A LOOP. TURNS OUT THIS PLACE HAS A TON OF VEGAN SHIT. JENN & I ORDER A BUNCH OF FOOD TO GO. AS I WALK OUT OF THE BUILDING THE COOK SHOUTS OUT AFTER ME "DON'T FORGET YOU CAN ORDER FROM US ONLINE!!!"

SO I'M HANGING OUT IN THE BASEMENT READING AND MY DAD COMES DOWNSTAIRS AND HE LOOKS AT ME AND HE SAYS "DANGER POINT!! YOU LEFT THE OVEN ON!" AND I'M ALL LIKE "DANGER POINT?"

RIGHT SO IT'S KINDERGARTEN AND IT'S SPRING AND EVERYTHING IS THAWING AND MUDDY. AND ALL THE KIDS HAVE THOSE RUBBER BOOTS THAT GO UP TO OUR WAISTS. THE THING TO DO IN THE MORNING BEFORE CLASS STARTS IS TO FIND A BUDDY, GO FIND A NICE SOFT MUDDY SPOT IN THE PLAYGROUND SOMEWHERE, FACE YOUR FRIEND AND START SQUISHING YOUR WAY DOWN IN THE MUD UNTIL IT'S ALMOST UP TO YOUR WAIST.

WE DID THIS BECAUSE IT WAS FUN. SO KYLE AND I ARE FACING EACH OTHER AND BOGGING OUR WAY DOWN IN THIS MUD PUDDLE. WE GET IT ALMOST TO THE POINT WHERE THE MUD WILL START TO SEEP INTO OUR RUBBER BOOTS. I LOOK AT KYLE AND SAY "HEY KYLE, CAN YOU DO THIS?!" AND I TAKE MY FOOT OUT OF THE BOOT, WIGGLE MY LITTLE SOCKED TOES IN THE SPRING AIR FOR A FEW SECONDS, AND PUT MY LEG BACK IN MY BOOT, WHICH IS FIRMLY LODGED IN MUD.

"YES I CAN!!" KYLE SHOUTS BACK AT ME DESPITE ME BEING ONLY A FOOT AWAY FROM HIM. KYLE TAKES HIS FOOT OUT OF HIS BOOT AND IMMEDIATLY FALLS BACKWARDS INTO THE MUD. BECAUSE ONE LEG IS STILL IN THE BOOT HE IS KIND OF PINNED. THE SUCTION FROM THE MUD IS TOO MUCH FOR HIM TO SIT UP, AND HE CAN'T TURN OVER BECAUSE HIS LEG IS STUCK IN THE BOOT.

THE BELL RINGS AND I LEAVE HIM THERE FOR SOME REASON. IT'S MONDAY MORNING SO WE HAVE ASSEMBLY. THE WHOLE SCHOOL SITS IN THE GYM AND WE SING 'OH CANADA'. OUR PRINCIPAL, WHOSE NAME IS HONEST TO GOD 'MRS. HEGGINBOTTOM' SAYS 'GOOD MORNING STUDENTS' AND THEN WE ALL SAY 'GOOD MORNING MRS. HEGGINBOTTOMBOTTOMBOTTOMBOTTOM' BECAUSE NOBODY CAN GET IT IN SYNC AND SOME KIDS SAY IT FASTER THAN OTHERS.

THEN OUR PRINCIPAL IS ABOUT TO GET INTO THE ANNOUNCEMENTS WHEN THE BIG DOUBLE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THE GYM ARE THROWN OPEN AND SMACK AGAINST THE WALLS WITH A GIANT BANG. ENTER MRS. VAIL, SHORT, BUTCHY VICE PRINCIPAL WITH BICEPS LIKE NOTHING YOU'VE EVER SEEN. SHE'S HOLDING KYLE, WHO APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN DRESSED FROM THE LOST AND FOUND. THERE ARE TEARS JUST STREAMING DOWN HIS FACE. WE ALL STARE AT KYLE AND MRS. VAIL LETS HIM GO. HE RUNS TOWARDS ME, SLIPS ON THE GROUND BECAUSE HE'S IN SOCKS FOR SOME REASON, PICKS HIMSELF UP, AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO ME. TOTALLY INCONSOLABLE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. WHEN WE GET HOME HE FINALLY OPENS UP TO ME AND TELLS ME THAT MRS. VAIL PICKED HIM UP OUT OF THE MUD LIKE A DYING SOLDIER AND WASTED NO TIME IN STRIPPING HIM NAKED AND DRESSING HIM UP IN SHORT-SHORTS AND A STRAWBERRY-SHORTCAKE TSHIRT EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS A NINJA TURTLE TSHIRT RIGHT THERE.

SO ALSO IN KINDERGARTEN I APPARENTLY THOUGHT THAT THE KIDS IN MY CLASS DIDN'T KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT COUGARS FOR SOME REASON, BECAUSE I DEFINITELY MADE A SWEET COUGAR QUIZ WHICH I INSISTED ON GIVING OUT TO THE CLASS THE NEXT DAY.

WHAT COLOR IS THE COUGAR? GOLD? NO! BROWN? NO! RED? NO! THE ANSWER IS TAWNY.

THE FIRST TIME MY DAD TOOK ME AND MY SISTER CAMPING I WAS ABOUT 8 OR 9. I REMEMBER WE PARKED THE CAR, I JUMPED OUT AND IMMEDIATELY STEPPED ON A NAIL. WE HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND THEN WE WENT HOME BECAUSE I HAD TO GET A TETANUS SHOT OR SOME KIND OF SHOT. IT'S ALL KIND OF HAZY.

THE SECOND TIME MY DAD TOOK ME AND MY SISTER CAMPING WAS A MONTH LATER, IN THE MIDDLE OF JULY. WE PARKED THE CAR, AND MY SISTER JUMPED OUT AND IMMEDIATELY TRIED TO LIFT UP SOME SORT OF BOULDER THAT WAS ON A HILL. I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY SHE DID THIS. ANYWAY SHE ENDED UP BREAKING HER FINGER. WE HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL, AND THEN WE HAD TO GO HOME BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE WITH MOM IN HER HOUR OF NEED.

AT THE END OF SUMMER, MY DAD, OUT OF COMPLETE DESPERATION TO GO CAMPING WITH THE KIDS, TOOK US OUT AGAIN. I REMEMBER HE SEEMED A BIT FIDGETY THE WHOLE WAY THERE, AND I REMEMBER HE WOULDN'T LET US OUT OF THE CAR UNTIL HE HAD SCOUTED AROUND A LITTLE BIT.

WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE CAR MY DAD WAS BUSY TAKING THE BUNGEE CORDS OFF THE ROOF. WE HAD ABOUT A BILLION THINGS UP ON THE CAR WHICH MY DAD HAD SECURED WITH AN UNNECESSARY AMOUNT OF BUNGEE CORDS. ANYWAY FOR SOME REASON I UNHOOKED ONE OF THE BUNGEE CORDS ON MY SIDE OF THE CAR. IT WHIZZED OVER THE CAR ROOF LIKE A METEOR AND CUT MY DAD DEEPLY IN HIS EYEBROW. WE HAD TO DRIVE TO THE HOSPITAL, THIS TIME WITH BLOOD STREAMING DOWN MY DAD'S FACE AND ME AND MY SISTER IN TEARS.

ALSO ONCE AT THE COTTAGE MY DAD AND UNCLE RON ARE NOW ARGUING OVER WHO HAS THE NICEST WATCH. RON IS GOING ON ABOUT HIS IS ATOMIC OR SOMETHING AND MY DAD IS TALKING ABOUT HOW HIS IS POWERED BY WRIST MOVEMENTS AND THEY ARE BOTH MAKING EXTRAVAGANT CLAIMS THAT I CAN NEITHER VERIFY NOR DISREGARD. WE ARE ALL WALKING DOWN TO THE BEACH TO GO SWIMMING. AS WE APPROACH THE SHORELINE UNCLE RON CAREFULLY REMOVES HIS WATCH, WRAPS IT IN A CHAMOIS HE MUST HAVE HAD HIDDEN IN HIS BATHING SUIT, AND PLACES IT DAINTILY IN THE CENTER OF A FOLDING CHAIR.

"CAN'T TAKE IT IN THE WATER, EH?!" MY DAD SHOUTS OUT TRIUMPHANTLY AND UNCLE RON GLOWERS. "MY WATCH ISN'T JUST WATER-RESISTANT, IT'S WATER-PROOF!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT!" MY DAD SUDDENLY TURNS THE BAND OVER AND SCRUTINIZES THE BACK OF PLATE. "YEP!!!" HE CONTINUES GLEEFULLY "SAYS IT RIGHT HERE - WATERPROOF UP TO 14 WHOLE ATMOSPHERES. WHAT A WATCH!"

RON SILENTLY WADES OUT INTO THE LAKE. MY DAD SPLASHES IN LIKE HE WAS DROPPED OUT OF A PLANE AND SWIMS PAST UNCLE RON, SHOUTING ALL THE WHILE. "14 ATMOSPHERES! THAT'S PRETTY DEEP!! CAN'T DO THAT WITH YOUR WATCH, CAN YOU!" HE SCORES HIS POINT AND TAKES IT FURTHER WITH A LITTLE DIVE UNDER THE WATER. HE SURFACES EXUBERANTLY. "YES, SEE - STILL TICKING!" HE PUTS THE WATCH TO HIS EAR AND SMILES BLISSFULLY ALTHOUGH I'M CONVINCED HE CAN'T HEAR A THING AMID ALL THE SPLASHING HE'S DOING. "YES, THIS IS A FINE PIECE OF CRAFTSMANSHIP. I BET I COULD GO DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE LAKE WITH THIS THING!". HE TAKES AN EXAGGERATED DEEP BREATH AND DISAPPEARS INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS OF THE LAKE.

UNCLE RON AND I WAIT. RON LOOKS AS THOUGH THE LAKE IS FULL OF VINEGAR AND HE JUST SWALLOWED A LOT OF IT. ABOUT A MINUTE LATER MY DAD'S HEAD POPS UP A GOOD 50 FEET AWAY FROM. HE'S STILL SHOUTING HAPPILY UNTIL HE LIFTS UP HIS HAND - THE WATCH ISN'T THERE ANYMORE. HE'S SOMEHOW MANAGED TO LOSE IT WHILE SWIMMING AS FAST AS HE COULD UNDER WATER.

A THIN SMILE BEGINS TO CREEP ACROSS UNCLE RON'S FACE AND WITHIN MINUTES HE IS JUST BEAMING. HE STILL REFERS TO THAT TIME AS ONE OF THE BEST SWIMS HE'S EVER TAKEN IN THE LAKE.

SO THIS KID NAMED DAX USE TO ALWAYS HANG OUT WITH US IN HIGHSCHOOL BUT NEVER EVER EVER SPOKE UNLESS HE WAS ASKED TO ANSWER A QUESTION, AND EVEN THEN THAT WAS A RARE OCCURANCE BECAUSE THE TEACHERS ALL KNEW HE DIDN'T LIKE TO TALK.

ANYWAY ONE DAY WE WERE ALL HANGING OUTSIDE AT LUNCH AND I HAPPENED TO MENTION THAT OUR PHYSICAL SCIENCE TEACHER MR. BLORN SPENT THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED HOUR TALKING ABOUT HOW ROBERTA BONDAR WAS THE FIRST WOMAN ON THE MOON.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" MY FRIEND JASON INTERRUPTS, "EARLIER TODAY BLORN TOLD OUR CLASS THAT ROBERTA BONDAR HATED THE MOON AND ONLY WANTED TO BE THE FIRST WOMAN IN SPACE!"

"GOD DAMMIT!" I REPLIED! "I WONDER WHAT THE HELL HE'S TELLING HIS CLASS RIGHT NOW!"

AT THIS POINT DAX CLEARED HIS THROAT AND WE ALL WENT SILENT. "I BET I KNOW WHAT HE'S TELLING THE CLASS RIGHT NOW" HE SAID IN HIS CREAKY VOICE. WE WERE ABSOLUTELY FLABBERGASTED. THIS WAS A RARE MOMENT INDEED. DAX HIKED UP HIS PANTS, PUT A LEG UP ON THE PICNIC TABLE AND PICKED UP A LONG BRANCH WHICH I IMAGINE WAS SUPPOSE TO BE THE YARDSTICK BLORN CARRIED WITH HIM AT ALL TIMES. THE IMPRESSION WAS LACKING, BUT WE DIDN'T MIND - DAX WAS ABOUT TO SPEAK.

"YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S TELLING THE CLASS RIGHT NOW ABOUT ROBERTA BONDAR?" HE LOOKED AT US IMPRESSIVELY. WE ALL NODDED SILENTLY. DAX MADE AN OBSCENE THRUSTING MOTION WITH HIS PELVIS AND ATTEMPTED A POOR MIMICRY OF MR. BLORN'S SANDY VOICE: "YEAH I FUCKED HER, BOYS. I FUCKED HER REAL GOOOOOOOOD."

ODDEST THING EVER.

MY CHEMISTRY TEACHER MR. RESTIVE DIDN'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT CHEMISTRY. HE WOULD STAND IN FRONT OF THE CLASS WITH THE OVERHEAD PROJECTOR AIMED AGAINST THE FAR WALL, OPENED TEXTBOOK ON THE DESK NEXT TO IT, AND WOULD JUST COPY STUFF STRAIGHT OUT OF THE TEXTBOOK. WE WERE THEN SUPPOSE TO COPY IT OFF THE OVERHEAD. I REMEMBER THIS ONE AFTERNOON HE GOT ALL INTO HIS SUBJECT AND STOPPED WRITING ON THE OVERHEAD AND HIS BROW FURROWED AND HE WENT SILENT FOR ABOUT 10 MINUTES AND THEN SMILED SUDDENLY AND WAS ALL LIKE "HMM. HMM.. HEY, THIS IS KIND OF NEAT!!" AND WE WERE ALL LIKE "JESUS CHRIST" AND MR. RESTIVE IS JUST GLOWING AND HE LOOKS UP AND SAYS 'TURN TO PAGE 72'.

SO WE ALL TURN TO PAGE 72 AND IT'S JUST A BIG BLACK AND WHITE PICTURE OF THESE TWO GERIATRICS SMILING AT EACH OTHER AT DISNEY WORLD OR SOME SHIT.

THERE WAS THIS KID IN OUR HIGHSCHOOL WHO ALWAYS HAD POO OR SOMETHING IN HIS NOSE AND WE USE TO JUST CALL HIM 'TOODLES' AND ONE DAY HIS DAD SCREECHED INTO THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT AT ABOUT 90MPH AND LEAPT OUT OF THE CAR AND BOUNDED UP THE LANE INTO THE SCHOOL CARRYING THIS GIANT POT. TOODLES WAS HANGING AROUND BY HIMSELF SMELLING LIKE POO LIKE HE ALWAYS DID AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW HIS DAD IS JUST SCREAMING AT HIM ABOUT HOW HE BURNT SOME RICE IN THE POT LAST NIGHT. AND THEN HE TURNS TO THE CROWD OF CURIOUS STUDENTS STANDING IN A BIT OF A SEMI-CIRCLE, AND HE SHOWS US THE POT WHICH HAS BITS OF BURNT RICE STUCK TO THE BOTTOM AND HE YELLS OUT "THIS!! THIS IS A FIRE!!"

SO IN CUBS OUR CAMP 'LEADERS' ALL HAD THESE RIDICULOUS FAKE NAMES THAT WHERE TAKEN FROM THE JUNGLE BOOK AND WE WERE SUPPOSE TO ADDRESS THEM AS SUCH. NONE OF THE KIDS WHERE VERY HAPPY WITH THIS, AND EVEN AT AN EARLY AGE WE ALL REALIZED OUR CAMP WAS BEING RUN BY A BUNCH OF NERDY TRY-HARDS WHO SEEMED TO HAVE A THING IF YOUNG BOYS CALLED THEM 'AKELA' OR 'BALOO'.

ANYWAY SO WE HAD TO DO THIS WINTER CAMP ENDURANCE EMBARASSMENT. IT BOILED DOWN TO SPENDING A FRIGID NIGHT IN A GODDAMNED BARN IN JANUARY. IT WAS AWFUL. I REMEMBER THERE WAS THIS FAT KID NAMED MARK WHO SPENT THE ENTIRE NIGHT MAKING ALL THESE LITTLE LABOROUS NOISES AND GENERALLY SOUNDING FOR ALL THE WORLD LIKE A BEACHED WHALE. I ALSO REMEMBER AT ABOUT 2 IN THE MORNING (BECAUSE IT WAS TOO COLD TO SLEEP), SOMEONE TOLD MARK THAT THERE WERE 'CORN CHIPS' HIDDEN IN THE HAY SOMEWHERE, AND THEN MARK WENT VERY STILL FOR A WHILE AND THEN 15 MINUTES LATER WE HEARD HIM MUNCHING. SINCE THERE WERE NO 'CORN CHIPS' WE ASSUMED HE WAS ACTUALLY EATING HAY.

SO ANYWAY THE LAST DAY OF THIS WINTER CAMP ABORTION WE WAKE UP TO FIND OUT THE CAMP LEADERS HAVE DECIDED TO TEACH US HOW TO USE A COMPASS. WE ARE TIRED, BROKEN MEN AT THIS POINT AND IN NO MOOD FOR THESE SHENANINGANS. AKELA OR AKIRA OR WHATEVER IS THRUSTING THESE PIECES OF PAPER WITH INSTRUCTIONS TO ALL THE KIDS. THERE HAVE GOT TO BE ABOUT 400 DIRECTIONS ON THIS PAPER, ALL SAYING THINGS LIKE "GO 55 DEGREES NWN FOR 400 PACES UNTIL YOU SEE A TREE SHAPED LIKE A VULVA".

WE ALL GROAN AND THAT FRUIT "BALOO" EXPLAINS TO US THAT THERE'S A BIG SURPRISE WAITING FOR US AT THE END OF OUR "COMPASS QUEST". MORE GROANING. "BALOO" GIVES US THIS WINNING SMILE AND CRIES OUT "IT'S CHOCOLATE!!!!!"

NOW AT THIS POINT WE ARE DEFINITELY IN A BIG SNOWY FIELD IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND TO OUR RIGHT IN THE FAR DISTANCE YOU CAN SEE THE WOODS, AND EVERYWHERE ELSE IT'S JUST HORIZON. THERE IS ONE LONELY LITTLE SHED STICKING OUT OF THE GROUND LIKE A BROKEN TOOTH A MILE AWAY.

THEN ADRIAN SAYS "IS THE CHOCOLATE IN THAT SHED?" AND "BALOO" SAYS "WHAT?" AND THEN I REMEMBER WE ALL STARTED RUNNING TO THE SHED DESPITE THE CRIES AND PLEAS FROM THE COUNSELORS AND SURE ENOUGH THERE'S A BUNCH OF GODDAMNED CHOCOLATE EASTER BUNNIES FROM WHO KNOWS WHAT YEAR STACKED UP IN THE SHED. IT WAS AWESOME. WE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THE COMPASS QUEST.

OH AND VERY QUICKLY

I WAS PLAYING MONOPOLY WITH KYLE ONCE, AND THIS KID SERIOUSLY CAN'T GET ANYTHING STRAIGHT AND DEFINITELY IS NO GOOD AT ANY BOARD GAME AND WHENEVER WE PLAYED MONOPOLY HE WAS USUALLY BUST BY THE THIRD OR FOURTH TIME HE WENT AROUND 'GO'.

ANYWAY THIS ONE TIME HE WENT OUT EXCEPTIONALLY EARLY, EVEN FOR HIM, AND HE THREW HIS LITTLE METAL IRON PIECE ACROSS THE ROOM IN ANGER AND YELLED OUT "I HATE BEING BANK-ROBBED!!!"

SO I WAS AT THE VIDEO STORE A FEW MONTHS AGO AND THIS GUY AND THIS GIRL WERE LOOKING AT THE NEW RELEASES AND THE GUY SAID "HAVE YOU SEEN AVIATOR? AND THE GIRL SAID "AVIAWHAT?"

ALRIGHT SO TODAY THERE'S GOING TO BE A FEW STORIES FROM DAYTONA BEACH. SIX YEARS AGO, WHEN I WAS SEVENTEEN, MY FRIEND MATT AND I PRETTY MUCH STOLE 30K FROM OUR SCHOOL. SOME OF THE MONEY WENT TO FUND AN OUTDOOR KEG-PARTY WEEKEND THING IN MONTREAL, BUT A LOT OF IT WAS FUNNELED INTO A TRIP TO DAYTONA FOR US AND ABOUT 50 OF OUR FRIENDS. WE RENTED OUT WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE MOST DERELICT SHANTY-MOTEL ON THE ATLANTIC STRIP, AND HAD ONE OF THE BEST TIMES OF OUR LIVES.

ALRIGHT SO WE'VE SURVIVED A 22-HOUR BUSRIDE FROM OTTAWA TO FLORIDA THAT INVOLVED CARL THE WEINER-BOY COMPLAINING ABOUT EVERYTHING, CHRIS BITCHING ABOUT EVERYONE NEEDING TO USE THE BATHROOM IN THE BACK, AND JASON BREAKING HIS BRAND NEW PORTABLE DVD-PLAYER, ONE OF THE FIRST MODELS EVER MADE.

WE GET TO DAYTONA AS THE SUN RISES. WE PARK IN FRONT OF THE SEEDIEST ESTABLISHMENT I HAVE EVER LAID EYES ON, AND ARE IMMEDIATELY GREETED BY A WIZENED OLD LADY WHO IS DISTRIBUTING TOWELS AND ROOM KEYS LIKE RATIONS AMONG THE TROOPS. SHE CLAIMS HER NAME IS 'ESMERELDA' BUT SHE LOOKS LIKE A JANE TO ME. SHE QUICKLY LAUNCHES INTO A FASCINATING TIRADE ABOUT HOW IF ANY OF THE FACILITIES IN THE MOTEL DON'T WORK, IT IS BECAUSE WE HAVE ALREADY BROKEN THEM.

I, OF COURSE, AM ALREADY RUNNING TOWARDS THE BEACH. I JUMP IN THE WATER AND SWIM OUT ABOUT 50 FEET AT WHICH POINT I AM STUNG BY A JELLYFISH AND GO INTO ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK. JASON, ALWAYS A BRO, JUMPS IN THE WATER AND HELPS ME GET OUT. WITH MY ARM OVER HIS SHOULDER I STAGGER TO THE FRONT DESK WHERE ESMERLDA IS NOW EXCITEDLY GOING OVER THE LIST-OF-THINGS-THAT-WILL-LOSE-US-OUR-DEPOSITS. I TELL HER SHE NEEDS TO CALL AN AMBULANCE AND SHE GIVES ME A SOUR LOOK. "WHAT ABOUT A CAB?" SHE SAYS?

"I DON'T REALLY HAVE TIME FOR A CAB, I'M DYING" I REPLY SHORTLY.

ESMERELDA BEGINS TO HAGGLE. "LOOK, WHY DON'T WE CALL A CAB FIRST, AND THEN IF IT GETS REALLY BAD WE'LL CALL AN AMBULANCE" SHE SAYS DOUBTFULLY. CLEARLY SHE DOESN'T WANT AN AMBULANCE PARKED IN FRONT OF HER RAT-INFESTED MOTEL.

JASON RUNS INSIDE THE MOTEL AND CALLS AN AMBULANCE WHILE ESMERELDA AND I CONTINUE TO ARGUE OVER THE RELATIVE MERITS OF AMBULANCE VS CAB. FORTUNATELY THERE'S ONE NEARBY AND THEY STOP BY THE MOTEL AND PUT ME ON THE STRETCHER AND TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL. JASON JUMPS IN THE BACK WITH ME.

AT THE HOSPITAL I GO THROUGH THE USUAL - ADRENALINE, NOREPIPINEPHRINE, AND A TON OF BENADRYL DUMPED DIRECTLY INTO THE IV. AS YOU ALL KNOW, BENADRYL MAKES YOU VERY SLEEPY, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE A HUGE DOSE PUMPED INTO YOU INTRAVENOUSLY. WITHIN ABOUT 20 MINUTES I AM SO SLEEPY I CAN BARELY STAND UP, YET AM BEING VERY STUBBORN ABOUT GOING BACK TO THE BEACH. AN HOUR LATER I AM IN THE CLEAR AND RELEASED, DESPITE THE NURSE THINKING I SHOULD STAY OVERNIGHT.

JASON AND I MAKE SOME EDUCATED GUESSES AND FIND A BUS THAT WILL GET US BACK NEAR OUR HOTEL. I CAN BARELY STAND ON THE BUS. I'M STILL IN A WET BATHING SUIT AND TSHIRT AND THAT NOSE-PLUG THING THAT DELIVERS OXYGEN IS DANGLING OUT OF MY POCKET AND I'M TOTTERING ALL OVER THE PLACE. THE BUS STOPS AND OUR MOTEL IS IN SIGHT. THE DOORS IN THE BACK OPEN UP AND I FALL OUT OF THE BUS AND LAND RIGHT ON MY FACE. GASH OPEN MY HEAD AND FALL ASLEEP AT THE SAME TIME. JASON WAKES ME UP, HE LOOKS REALLY CONCERNED.

WE SLOWLY MAKE OUR WAY BACK TO THE MOTEL WITH BLOOD POURING DOWN MY FACE AND BYSTANDERS STARING AT US. WE GET INTO OUR HOTEL ROOM AND I FALL ASLEEP FOR ABOUT 20 HOURS. SO MUCH FOR DAY 1 AT DAYTONA.

WHEN I WAKE UP I IMMEDIATELY FEEL LIKE GOING SWIMMING. I OPEN THE DOOR AND WALK OUTSIDE AND MAKE MY WAY DOWN TO THE BEACH. 20 FEET LATER I SUDDENLY GET VERY TIRED AGAIN, AND SPOT A HOT-TUB FULL OF ELDERY PEOPLE OVER THE FENCE BEHIND THE HUGE HOLIDAY INN THAT'S RIGHT NEXT TO US. I DECIDE THAT'S MUCH CLOSER AND CLIMB THE FENCE AND START WALKING TOWARDS ALL THESE OLD PEOPLE.

THIS HOT TUB MUST HAVE ABOUT TWO DOZEN OCTOGENARIANS CRAMMED IN THERE LIKE SARDINES, AND THEY ARE ALL STARING AT ME. OF COURSE I HAVE A TON OF DRIED BLOOD ON MY FACE BUT I DON'T REMEMBER THAT, AND I MUST LOOK LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A HORROR MOVIE AS I WOBBLED TOWARDS THEM. A FEW REALLY OLD WOMEN WITH LOOKS OF ABSOLUTE TERROR ON THEIR FACES PUSH AWAY FROM ME AS I EASE MYSELF INTO THE HOTTUB.

I'M STILL IN MY BATHING SUIT SO THINGS ARE LOOKING GOOD, BUT WHEN I TAKE MY TSHIRT OFF LIFE STARTS TO GET INTERESTING. I'M TOTALLY COVERED IN THOSE LITTLE ELECTRODE-MONITOR THINGS THAT LOOK LIKE LITTLE METAL NIPPLES. THEY'RE STUCK ALL OVER MY BODY FROM WHEN I WAS HAVING MY VITAL SIGNS OBSERVED. I DON'T REALIZE THIS. PRETTY SOON THE BUBBLING WATER WORKS ITS MAGIC AND MY GERIATRIC AUDIENCE WATCHES IN AMAZEMENT AND DISGUST AS SEVERAL OF THESE LITTLE THINGS LOOSEN FROM MY BODY AND START FLOATING AROUND THE HOTTUB. EVERYONE'S AVOIDING ME BUT NOBODY'S GETTING OUT. I JUST SIT THERE BLISSFULLY, MY FACE CAKED IN BLOOD AND DIRT AND A LITTLE SPHERE OF ELECTRODE-MONITORS BOBBING AROUND ME LIKE LITTLE SILVER WATER-LILLIES.

FINALLY THIS ONE OLD MAN ACROSS ME STARTS SHOOTING THESE BALEFUL LOOKS AT HIS COMPATRIOTS, AND THEN ADDRESSES ME DIRECTLY: "SON, YOUR HOO-HAS ARE FLOATIN' AROUND THE POO'"

DAY THREE AT DAYTONA: MARK, JASON, CHRIS AND I ARE SITTING AROUND COMFORTABLY IN OUR HOTEL ROOM. THE DAY BEFORE JASON HAD BOUGHT A STUFFED CRAB FROM THE GROCERY STORE AND 'ACCIDENTLY' LEFT IT IN THE MICROWAVE FOR ALMOST HALF AN HOUR. THE RESULTING SMELL WAS SO BAD AND SO PERMANENT THAT WE WERE MOVED TO ANOTHER ROOM. THIS WAS JUST FINE AND DANDY, AS OUR OLD ROOM HAD A MALFUNCTIONING TOILET.

SO WE'RE SITTING AROUND DRINKING WHEN CARL THE WIENER-BOY BURSTS IN AND TELLS US OUR HOTEL IS BEING RAIDED BY THE POLICE. YOU NEED TO MEET CARL TO UNDERSTAND HIM. HE IS CONSTANTLY HIGH-STRUNG AND EVEN THE MOST PERFUNCTORY ACTION IS THE BIGGEST DEAL TO HIM.

JASON BELCHES PEACEABLY. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT NOW, CARL"

CARL IS LOOKING AROUND HIM WILDLY. "THE COPS! THE COPS ARE HERE AND THEY'RE BREAKING INTO EVERYONE'S ROOM AND LOOKING FOR ALCOHOL AND ARRESTING ANYONE WHO ISN'T 21!!!"

MARK LOOKS AROUND HIM AT THE IMPRESSIVE ARRAY OF LIQUOR WE'VE GOT WITH US. WE PROBABLY HAVE THE MOST ALCOHOL OUT OF EVERYONE IN THE MOTEL. HE LOOKS AT ME INQUISITIVELY. "CARL, GO HOME" HE SAYS.

IT'S TOO LATE - CARL'S ALREADY JUMPED OVER ONE OF THE BEDS AND IS RUNNING TOWARDS SEVERAL BOTTLES OF HARD LIQUOR ON THE MANTLE. HE GRABS A 60 OF RUM AND ONE OF WHISKY AND RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM.

THIS SHIT DEFINITELY DOESN'T FLY IN OUR PARTICULAR MOTEL ROOM. I TELL JASON TO START PUTTING THE ALCOHOL INTO EMPTY COKE BOTTLES AND LARGE CUPS FOR NOW, AND FOLLOW MARK INTO THE BATHROOM, WHERE CARL HAS BEGUN TO POUR WHISKEY DOWN THE BATHTUB. MARK SLAPS CARL IN THE FACE, HARD.

"CARL YOU LITTLE WEINER, GET OUT OF HERE!" MARK BELLOWS.

CARL LOOKS AT MARK, THEN AT ME, AND MAKES SOME SORT OF FEEBLE REMONSTRATION ABOUT HOW WE NEED TO GET RID OF THE ALCOHOL. MARK REMAINS UNMOVED AND WE ESCORT CARL OUT.

WHEN I OPEN THE FRONT DOOR (WE'RE ON THE THIRD FLOOR), I NOTICED AN UNUSUAL AMOUNT OF MY FRIENDS MILLING ABOUT ON THE BALCONY BELOW US LOOKING UNCOMFORTABLE, AND SEE SEVERAL POLICE OFFICERS DOING A BIT OF A METHODICAL SEARCH. CARL'S LITTLE SPASM ISN'T ENTIRELY FABRICATED, IT SEEMS.

WE EMPTY THE LAST OF OUR ALCOHOL INTO TWO LITER BOTTLES AND ABOUT A DOZEN PLASTIC CUPS, AND THROW THE BOTTLES OUT THE BACK WINDOW ONTO THE BEACH. A MINUTE LATER THERE'S A KNOCK ON OUR DOOR AND COPS COME INTO OUR ROOM. THEY'RE VERY FRIENDLY AND POLITE, AND SAY THERE HAVE BEEN COMPLAINTS OF UNDERAGE DRINKING AND THEY KNOW IT'S SPRING BREAK BUT THEY NEED TO DO THEIR JOBS. THEY DON'T LOOK VERY HARD, AND LEAVE QUICKLY.

THIS CALLS FOR A CELEBRATION. MARK, JASON, CHRIS AND I ALL GRAB A RANDOM CUP EACH AND START DOING SHOTS.

OF COURSE JASON, IN HIS UNENDING HASTE, JUST HAD TO EMPTY A BOTTLE OF RUBBING ALCOHOL CHRIS'S MOM PACKED IN HIS KNAPSACK INTO A CUP, AND OF COURSE I JUST HAD TO CHOOSE THAT PARTICULAR CUP FOR MY CELEBRATION. SINCE I'M ALREADY DRUNK I CAN'T REALLY TASTE THE DIFFERENCE, BUT TEN MINUTES LATER I KNOW SOMETHING'S WRONG. I GO DOWNSTAIRS WITH JASON, WHERE I PLAN TO SIT IN THE LOBBY UNTIL THINGS EITHER GET BETTER OR I NEED ANOTHER AMBULANCE. I DON'T REALLY MAKE IT THAT FAR - ON THE FIRST FLOOR I KIND OF FALL OVER AND CAN'T STAND UP ANYMORE. I REMEMBER BEING REALLY DIZZY. ANOTHER MINUTE AND I'M PASSED OUT FACE DOWN.

NOW FOR SOME WEIRD REASON THIS ONE KID I DON'T REALLY KNOW THAT WELL SUDDENLY COMES INTO THE PICTURE (WORD TRAVELS FAST IN THE MOTEL WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE AND THERE'S ALREADY ABOUT 30 KIDS STANDING AROUND ME). ANYWAY THIS KID, ROBBIE, APPARENTLY SHOUTS OUT SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF "I'VE WATCHED A VIDEO ON SAFETY" AND LEAPS INTO THE FRAY. FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD HE LOOKS ME UP AND DOWN AND ISSUS HIS EXPERT OPINION THAT I NEED TO BE ON MY SIDE. HE THEN GRABS ME BY THE BACK OF MY HEAD AND PULLS MY HEAD UP. UNFORTUNATELY I'M SOAKING WET, IN SOME SORT OF WEIRD COLD-SWEAT, AND ROBBIE'S EXPERT GRIP FAILS HIM. MY HEAD CRASHES BACK DOWN AND I RIP MY HEAD OPEN AGAIN ON THE HALL FLOOR. AMBULANCE COMES, JASON ONCE AGAIN HOPS IN THE BACK. WHEN I RETURN LATER THAT NIGHT ESMERELDA GIVES ME A WITHERING LOOK.

MAN SO IN GRADE 1 I HAD MY FIRST 'CRUSH' ON THIS GIRL NAMED PAMELA WHO WAS THE FASTEST KID IN SCHOOL. SHE WAS IN MY GYM CLASS AND WE USE TO START OFF GYM WITH OUR IDIOT TEACHER MR. BILEN PUTTING IN SOME 80S JAM IN THE TAPEDECK AND THEN WE'D ALL RUN LAPS TO 'GET OUT OF MY DREAMS, GET INTO MY CAR!!' OR SOMETHING. ANYWAY PAMELA WOULD ALWAYS LAP THE REST OF THE CLASS WITHIN MINUTES. FUCK SHE WAS FAST.

ANYWAY ONE DAY AT LUNCH IN THE PLAYGROUND I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED BUT I DID SOMETHING SUPER NICE FOR HER OR I HELPED HER UP WHEN SHE FELL OR SOMETHING, BUT ANYWAY SHE DECIDED TO 'REWARD' ME BY TELLING ME ON MONDAY WE COULD HOLD HANDS WHILE WE RAN LAPS AROUND THE GYM. IT WAS LIKE TUESDAY AT THIS POINT.

SO EVERY DAY THAT WEEK AFTER SCHOOL I WOULD GO HOME AND RUN LAPS AROUND MY HOUSE, TRYING TO GET FASTER. I WAS SO WORRIED THAT SHE WOULD BE DRAGGING ME BEHIND HER IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS AT GYM. I THINK ACTUALLY DID GET FASTER, BUT I WAS STILL WORRIED. SUNDAY NIGHT FOUND ME IN MY ROOM CRYING BECAUSE I STILL DIDN'T THINK I WAS FAST ENOUGH AND WAS SERIOUSLY TERRIFIED AND DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL.

NEXT DAY AT GYM PAMELA SINGLES ME OUT RIGHT AWAY AND TELLS ME TO HOLD HER HAND. WE'RE ALL STANDING AROUND AT THIS POINT AND MR. BILEN PUTS IN THE FLAVOR OF THE WEEK AND WE ALL START RUNNING. INSTANTLY I FEEL MYSELF GETTING YANKED FORWARD BY PAMELA WHO IS MOVING LIKE A GODDAMNED BULLET AND SHE KEEPS YELLING 'FASTER!! FASTER!!' AND SHE'S STRINGING ME ALL AROUND THE GODDAMNED GYM AND IT'S JUST LIKE MY NIGHTMARES.

ANYWAY EVERYTIME SHE KEEPS YELLING 'FASTER!!' I ACTUALLY MAKE AN EFFORT TO SOMEHOW RUN 'HARDER' AND IT'S TOTALLY WORKING. BY LIKE THE 8TH OR 9TH TIME SHE'S YELLED OUT 'FASTER!!' I'M ACTUALLY KEEPING UP WITH HER AND I FEEL LIKE GODDAMNED HERME HIMSELF AND THEN SHE YELLS OUT 'FASTER!!' AND I ACTUALLY START BEATING HER. AND THEN SHE YELLS OUT 'OKAY THAT'S TOO FAST!' AND I REMEMBER THE WHOLE CLASS IS JUST STARING AT ME IN TOTAL DISBELIEF AND EVEN MR. BILEN SEEMS TO HAVE LOST SOME OF HIS COLOR AND FOR THE REST OF ELEMENTARY I WAS THE FASTEST KID IN SCHOOL.

ALRIGHT SO I SHOWED PROMISE IN PRESCHOOL AND WAS CHOSEN FOR THIS SPECIAL 'EARLY START' PROGRAM WITH 3 OTHER LOSERS IN MY PROVINCE AND WE SPENT THE MAJORITY OF OUR KINDERGARTEN YEAR IN A MUSEUM. KIND OF SWEET, BUT I DIDN'T LEARN MUCH AND WHEN I WENT TO A REGULAR ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IN GRADE ONE I WAS THROWN INTO THESE SPECIAL 'ENRICHMENT' CLASSES BECAUSE OF IT. ENRICHMENT SUCKED. IT WAS DONE OVER HALF OF OUR LUNCH AND THE 'BRIGHT' KIDS FROM GRADES 1-6 WOULD GET TOGETHER AND WE'D BE GIVEN THESE RIDICULOUS PROJECTS.

ANYWAY I REMEMBER THIS ONE YEAR THE PROJECT FOR THE ENRICHMENT KIDS IN GRADES 1-3 WAS TO DO SOME LOSER PRESENTATION OF 'THE LOON' OR SOMETHING, WHICH WAS THIS TOTALLY RANDOM INDIAN/NATIVE AMERICAN NARRATIVE THAT INVOLVED THINGS LIKE TREE SPIRITS AND MENORRAHS AND THINGS OF THAT NATURE.

[girls-scenarios]

The final storm.

Idols: Blackpink. (With appearances from twice members)

Prompt: The girls are running, running from what they had done to Irene and her crew.They had fucked up big time and now Irene will find them and when she does, she’ll bring a storm with her. If Irene doesn’t get them, then the zombies will. Zombie apocalypse AU.

Writer: Admin Kitty.

A/N: Okay so I wrote this to try and get back into writing and i didn’t want to ruin someones request sooooo yeah, enjoy!!! Also this may be part one if people like it enough to please let me know.

Warnings: Swearing, killing and death and uhhh zombies? das it fam.

“Jisoo, are you coming or not?” Lisa asked her while stuffing gear into her already full backpack.

“We will leave you behind, it isn’t safe here anymore.” Jennie added while reloading her gun. 

“But we could make it safe. It’s no safer in here than it is out there.” Jisoo said trying to persuade the others to stay.

“Jisoo, this base has run it’s course and ever since we got attacked...” Rose trailed off.

“Ever since we got attacked zombies have been finding more and more gaps to get in, I found one in the fucking bathroom this morning. If you want to die be my guest but the rest of us are out of here.” Lisa said firmly, shouldering her backpack.

“Are you in or not?” Rose asked her. Jisoo sighed, she didn’t have much choice; she would never survive on her own.

“I guess so.” Jisoo started to gather up her belongings along with as many weapons she could carry. “I just gotta go get stuff from my room.” Jisoo ran upstairs leaving the others in the living room.

“Do you think they’ll be able to find us?” Jennie asked the other two nervously. 

“Probably. Irene and her crew are smart, they know how to survive.” Lisa said while sharpening her knife.

“Tell me again why we didn’t just join them when we had the chance.” Rose had always been for joining them however the other three would rather be eaten alive than work with them.

“Do you want a fucking list or a summary?” Lisa said sarcastically. Rose scoffed.

“A summary i guess, if you’re gonna be like that..” Rose replied in the same tone.

“They are bad people, Rosie. And let me tell you something right now, once you’re in there’s no leaving.” Lisa said in a condescending tone. She knew Rose was weaker than the others; She would not last a week with those girls. They would chew her up and spit her out.

Jisoo came hurtling downstairs with her bag on her shoulders. “Okay I’m ready.”

The girls started to head towards the door before Jisoo stopped them. 

“Wait! Where exactly are we heading? We aren’t going out without a plan.” Jisoo said nervously, if they had no plan she was not leaving.

“Do you think we’re fucking amateurs of course we have a plan.” Jennie said rudely. 

“Jen, wanna calm it?” Rose glared at Jennie.

“Yes we have a plan. A couple friends of mine converted an apartment complex into a safe base and said they can give us a space.” Lisa said clearing the furniture away from the front door. 

“Do you trust them?” Jisoo asked her. Lisa thought about it before unbolting the door.

“Can you really trust anyone nowadays?”

The girls had been travelling for over an hour to reach this apartment complex and hadn’t seen a single zombie all of them were laying around lifeless.

“It’s too quite.” Lisa said. “Where are they all?” The whole area felt eerie.

“How far away are we?” Jisoo asked whilst keeping a watch behind them. 

“It’s just up ahead.” As Lisa pointed towards the tall buildings, a group of zombies appeared from around the corner.

Rose charged forward baseball bat in hand, hitting a zombie round the head taking out a chunk of its skull. The zombie fell back revealing more dead, which she tore through with her bat swinging and bashing in skulls. 

Jennie and Lisa stood further back firing shots at the zombies with their pistols; almost getting every shot. 

Jisoo was preoccupied with zombies approaching from behind which the others hadn't seem to notice. She whipped out her machete from her belt and sliced off a zombies head. Another zombie attacked her from her left side, grabbing her arm and chomping down causing a nasty gash. She brought her sword down, taking off it’s head and shaking her arm out of its mouth. She couldn’t dwell on the bite for too long, she focused on destroying the rest of them; slashing away at their necks and torsos.

“Can i have a little help?” Jisoo shouted out. Jennie spun around, shooting the hoard surrounding Jisoo. Head shot after head shot, Jennie’s aim was impeccable. 

“Come on let’s go!” Rose shouted out as she had cleared a path for them. The girls ran forward straight towards the apartments; the hoard following closely behind.

“WHO’S THERE?” A female voice shouted over the PA system. Four snipers had taken aim at the group from a balcony.

“Lisa, Jennie, Rose and Jisoo. Nayeon told us to come.” Lisa replied. The large gates began to open and Nayeon popped her head out. 

“Get in!” She shouted. The girls charged in quickly before the gate slammed shut. 

They stood in the courtyard panting and catching their breath. 

“Jesus they just came out of no where.” Rose said through breaths. 

Jisoo took a swig of her water bottle exposing her bite.

“What the fuck?! You’re bit!” Nayeon aimed her pistol at Jisoo.

“Wait wait listen please, I feel fine. At least give me some time, to think of something.” Jisoo tried to plead with Nayeon. 

“You cannot stay here, if you think I’m endangering my people for you than you can forget it.” Nayeon replied, gun still up and aiming. 

“Did that just happen?” Jennie asked her sadly. Jisoo looked at her wrist and nodded.

“Can’t we just cut it off?” Rose asked Nayeon. “It’s worth a shot right?” 

“It won’t work.” Jihyo said walking up behind Nayeon. “Trust me, we’ve tried many times.”

“But if it’s only just happened then maybe it will, the infection might not have spread that far.” Jennie defended Jisoo. 

“It would have spread plenty by now, she’s had that bite for like 5 or more minutes by looking at it. It’s not bleeding and it’s drying out. It may be fresh but not fresh enough.” Jihyo argued back. Jisoo began to cough, blood splattering into the palm of her hand.

“Shit.” She whispered. “I guess my time really is up.” Jisoo stared into the sky.

“No...no we can’t just leave you.”Jennie walked over to her and wrapped her arm around her shoulder.

“It’s okay Jen, we all run out of time eventually.” Jisoo said pulling away.

“Jisoo I’ll give you a choice. We shoot you now, or you walk out there and leave.” Nayeon gave her an ultimatum. She pondered it for a while, thought what her best option could be.

“I want one of my girls to shoot me.” Jisoo looked at her small group. “But let me say goodbye first.

She walked over to Rose and pulled her into a hug. “Be strong Rosie, you can pull through all of this shit. You will make it trust me.” Tears streaming from all the members by this point.

She pulled away and moved onto Jennie, who pulled her into a big tight hug.

“I should’ve helped you sooner back there.” Jennie spoke through tears.

“Don’t blame yourself, these things happen. Look after Rosie for me Jen, I know you’ll do the best you can. You’ve always done your best for everything. Thank you for getting me this far.” Jennie sobbed into Jisoo’s hair. She moved away from Jennie who latched onto Rose for support. 

Jisoo looked Lisa in the eye and smiled, tears running down her cheeks. 

“We should’ve stayed, made it safe. You were right, who am I kidding, you’re always right?” Lisa whimpered. 

“No, Lisa leaving was the smart option. Things just don’t always go to plan. Thank you Lis, for looking after and supporting us. I know you’ll carry on looking after those two until the day you die.” Jisoo grabbed Lisa an hugged her.

After she pulled away she backed away from them.

“Lisa you are the strongest. I think you should shoot me.” Jisoo said nodding at her. Lisa’s hands trembled as she pulled her gun out from her back pocket. 

“We’ll miss you bud.” Lisa cried. She took aim at Jisoo.

“I’ll miss you all too.” Jisoo said and closed her eyes. 

BANG! The gun was shot.

Jisoo’s limp body fell to the floor with a thud. 

“Is there somewhere we can bury her?” Lisa asked Nayeon and Jihyo, still shuddering from her tears.

“Of course, we can take her and bury her in the courtyard.” Nayeon called some people on her walkie talkie to help her carry the body. Lisa, Jennie and Rose were in no state to do such a task.

Four other girls walked out into the area and helped Nayeon and Jihyo carry Jisoo out to the courtyard. 

“Will we be okay?” Rose asked wiping tears off her cheeks.

“Eventually.” Jennie replied grabbing her hand and squeezing it.

“Unfortunately we can’t wait around and let ourselves get better. You guys know it too.” Lisa said looking at the two girls sadly. “Irene will bring a storm, she’s not gonna lay down and die after what we did.”

Jennie looked at Rose and then at Lisa “I say, we give her hell.”

[wirtless]

when i was around 11 i found a divorce paper in our fireproof box with my moms name on it & this Guy who isn’t my pa…and i never knew my mom was divorced before finding it, & i have never asked bc idk, she has never said it, but today a decade later i asked and she cried telling me it, and my mom is the bravest person ive ever met in my whole life. so. she got married to this random asshole when she was 24 and a month after coming back from their honeymoon they were filing taxes & it came out that he was over $250,000 in debt & had been evading taxes for..years….& could go to jail at any moment, & she was like, are you serious. she moved out literally a month after their honeymoon, and she gave him an ultimatum like she was willing to take on the debt with him as long as he actually told the government what was up ,. but he refused, and he thought she was out of her mind, and he thought she was overreacting and he refused & she couldn’t live w the idea that he could literally go to jail any single day of their lives. the Husband was like "lmao we can just buy EVERYTJING EVER under ur name!!! you can assume all the debt!!!!!!" a lawyer friend pulled her aside & was like “i don’t get involved in clients decisions, but im doing this as a favor, and if you have kids w him and start a life the cops are going to take him away someday in front of them, you should run and hide from this”

the fucking asshole husband refused to divorce her when she filed for it, he wouldn’t fucking divorce her bc he thought she was being dramatic, and it took her two years to divorce him. in the middle of all of it she returned all of the wedding gifts and money bc it was that fucking soon after the wedding that they hadn’t even begun to live a life yet. so my mom moved back home & had to face this terrible horrible shame bc she had had a huge irish catholic wedding, and she was now 24 years old and divorced, and she felt branded and used and soiled and she thought she’d never have kids or get married when a month ago her entire future was set. and then she met my dad a few years later still fighting this horrible terrible depression and the first thing she asked was “do u file your w-2 forms” and now we are all a happy family 22 years later

[solenelanza]

You’re Bringing Me Down ? Not my words but the one of LCD Soundsystem. Astonishing on stage by the way. To this passive-aggressive love letter to New York, does Lilly Allen step up with a love song for London ? Maybe not that easy to adopt it these times.

Mais tu me déprimes. Ce n’est pas de moi mais de LCD Soundsystem. D’ailleurs si époustouflant sur scène. Si sa déclaration d’amour à New York est si passive – aggressive, Lily Allen a-t-elle réhabilité le genre avec LDN ? Peut-être un peu plus difficile à accepter ces derniers jours. 

Modern Life is rubbish. I am just reporting that again from the Blur‘s creation. Brexit and settled status asked us to … settle our relationship with the city. As a « London you don’t love me anymore but what about me ? » Maybe because, after the first years of passionate story with the city, life brings you to a crossroad in this love story. The French and European girl that I have had to step down a bit for this La Vie en rose vision of the WTF London City. And because in terms of « rose », I am more la vie en rosé, I needed a little help from my friends. To get a good overview I went to the picturesque West called Notting Hill in good company for a new tour of the city. 

« La vie moderne, c’est de la camelote. » C’est pas moi, c’est de Blur. Le Brexit et la demande de settled status a dû régler pas mal de questions notamment : la relation à continuer ou pas avec la ville. Un ultimatum à établir avec un pays qui a pris la décision d’une rupture de façon unilatérale. Comme s’il fallait faire le bilan après les premières années de passion. La Française et Européenne qui sommeille en moi a dû alors enlever ses lunettes roses dans une cité quelque peu désorientée. Et comme les Français sont plutôt rosés que roses, je ne pouvais que partager cette réflexion avec les miens. Et pour avoir une vision générale du cas, il fallait bien ce pittoresque Ouest autrement appelé Notting Hill pour que la compagnie fasse un tour bien particulier des lieux. 

    Solene: Dress by Zapa -Earing by Accessorize– Necklace by Tatty Devine– Shoes by Lacoste

She used to Smile and then wanted to Fuck you. Lily Allen tends to be more media-friendly to promote her new album or lifestyle. But the musician is part of the wall of fame as well, adding the fact that she is the god-daughter-in-law of the legendary Joe Strummer. This indie girl tends to answer her god father in dancing LDN. Three letters for a big story, the one of the city with pros and cons, the ups and downs of a city you chose to live in.

Elle est passée de Smile à Fuck You. Lilly Allen est à présent bien plus copine avec les médias (peut-être parce qu’elle est en promotion.) Mais la musicienne fait partie des légendes de la musique british, peut-être que le fait qu’elle soit la filleule de Joe Strummer n’arrange rien. La damoisellle estampillée indé faite-elle une réponse au London Calling de parrain avec LDN ? Trois lettres pour une belle histoire, celle de la ville avec ses supporters et des détracteurs, ses hauts et ses bas, après tout y vivre est un choix. 

    Paris, ville de l’amour certes… mais aussi celle des pigeons ? Et Londres ? Notre amie Lily a bien mis en images la pollution, la violence inter-générationnelle et masculine dans son clip. Mais, par souci de réalisme, un petit lifting s’imposait pour surfer avec la brillante Outfitteuze entre les clichés et les images d’Epinal de Londres.

Paris, city of love but also place to be for pigeons. What about London ? Lily was into male and infantile violence, urban disillusion and pollution issues as main issues of her music video. We have to refresh this vision with the English wonderful stereotypes. The shining Outfitteuze and I turned into directors and creators of our London lives. 

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Kelly: Hat by Asos – Body by Topshop– Skirt by Olive Clothing – Shoes by Nasty Gal

Before the shooting session I had to make a stop at Rough Trade, first London shop. Well because vinyl records still spin me round and – what a coincidence and a tough one- the music video started there. Between the The Kinks Are the Village Green Preservation Society and Nevermind the Bollocks, my fingers couldn’t make their mind up. Who won ? The sound of the 90s music, as I was so judgmental facing the What’s the Song of Morning Glory, taking care of Modern Life is Rubbish in my back. The tune was good, the journey could start, going past places to feel or ignore current affairs.

Avant le shooting, un arrêt à Rough Trade, première du nom à Londres, était obligatoire. D’abord parce que les vinyls me font toujours tourner la tête, mais aussi, quel heureux hasard, car c’était le début du fameux clip originel. Et entre l’album des Kinks et celui des Sex Pistols, le digging, oui c’est le nom de cette pratique, n’était pas evident. Ma préférence est évidemment allée à la BritPop peu convaincue par Oasis mais bien un peu trop attentionnée avec Blur. Comme la musique était bonne, la visite pouvait commencer entre idéalisation de lieux et black out sur certains points noirs. 

    The former newbies we used to be followed the popular Portobello Road, not to repicture Paddington, Notting Hill or any romantic British creations, but to nudge the alternative picture of the area. Well that is not necessary true as our first stop for St Luke’s Mews, famous for its flourish houses and Penning romantic story thanks to Love Actually. Actually it is the paradise for young flourishing instagramers, well it was, because locals are not the best fans of this #TrendTopic.

Les anciennes nouvelles venues ont donc suivi Portobello Road, pas du tout pour refaire un énième cliché de Paddington, Coup de Foudre à Notting Hill ou autre films à l’eau de rose, mais pour frôler l’épiderme plus naturel du coin. Une balade à St Luke’s Mews, QG de Keira Knightley dans Love Actually, était des plus étonnants mais plus que compréhensibles depuis que les instragrammeuses y ont élu domicile, au grand damne des riverains.

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Him : Jeans & T Shirt by Levi’s – Shirt by Edwin – Shoes by Loake -Watch by Seiko

That’s the fun path, because, slip out from the Gay Pride, a cheery woman can meet an angry naysayer. In the news we heard (oh boy) about the lesbian couple on the night bus. So, is it the true London ? Agressive ? Controversial ? Depends, what do you know about the city ? Is the rent so expensive ? Well so many London lovers come to the city dreaming of a spacious loft in lovely West but end up in a 3 roommate tiny place, at least, not far from the Grenfell Tower.

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He: Shirt by Bonobo –Pants by Primark- Shoes by Dr. Martens- Watch by Swatch – Bag by Quimper 

She: Shirt by Pull and Bear – Shoes by Clark’s – Jacket by Lewin – Hat by ASOS – Suitcase by Manoukian 

Mais même, dans cette promenade vers la ruée aux likes, une jeune fille échappée de la Gay Pride peut très bien rencontrer un amateur du drapeau LGBT. L’histoire du couple homosexuel molesté est après tout encore frais dans les esprits. Est-ce donc là ton Londres à toi ? Violent et virulent ? Connaissez-vous la ville ? Les loyers hors de prix? Bon certains, nombreux sont venus à Londres en rêvant d’un 3 pièces à Portobello Road et finissent à l’étroit dans une colocation … conviviale à deux pas de la sinistre Grenfell Tower.

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A: Pants by Primark – Shoes & Hat by H&M – Jacket by Camaieu – Top by Topshop

He: Shoes by Barker – Pants  & Top by H&M – Watch by Fitbit

Meanwhile, dawn was up and professional afterworks turn into alcohol orgy, a question is raised : what is this magical feeling that transforms damned reality into myth ? Lily was given a ring by someone she was about to meet. Who ? Madness would say : It must be love. Even if some messages can give you a big smile, the wake-up call is sometimes very hard. And the question is : “do you take London as your official house for the better or for the worse, for the richest time or for the poorest ?” Oh London, Yes I do. Sun is in the sky, I don’t want to be anywhere else.

Et alors que le crépuscule montre le bout de son nez, transformant le moindre afterwork en simple … orgie, une question reste en suspend : quel est donc ce sentiment cabalistique qui transforme l’impitoyable vérité en contes de fées ? Lily Allen avait reçu un coup de fil au début du clip. Mais de qui ? Françoise Hardy dirait que c’est le temps de l’amour. Même si certains messages ont le bon goût de faire traîner un sourire sur les lèvres, le réveil aux réalités peut être sévère. Alors à la question : « voulez-vous prendre Londres comme logis pour l’occuper dans le bonheur comme dans les épreuves ? » La réponse est oui. Le soleil brille, reviendras-tu bientôt ? C’est mon village au vert cottage !

Texts: Solène L. Models : A.-N.-A.-H.-E.- Model + Editing: Kelly Model + Pictures by ©Alice Menguy

Pour d’autres histoires musicales à Londres, suivez-moi ou contactez-moi 😉

London, I Love You But…  You're Bringing Me Down ? Not my words but the one of LCD Soundsystem. Astonishing on stage by the way.