#don't really like the outcome but it took too long for me not to post it 💀

[xivdl]

he's back

no text ver.

they're so

alt. sketches & processes:

[alvojake]

idol sunghoon getting pissed because of his idol gf got into a dating scandal with his co-member, and his gf liked the way he got pissed, so he decided to show her who she really belongs to (??)

「notes」 : anony c'mere lemme just *😚🧠* you gave me an inch, and I swear I took it like ten miles... so lemme just say that I contemplated this and I may or may not have gone a little stir crazy (that and I'm pretty sure I'm ovulating...), so I sincerely apologize for the nastiness you're about to set your eyes upon 🫣🫣

Mark Me Yours | P.SH

「pairing」 : idol!bf!sunghoon x idol!fem!reader 「word count」 : 5k

「synopsis」 : the first time you were caught out with jake by the press it was an accident, but after seeing your boyfriend's jealous reaction you couldn't help but want to see more. so you went out with jake time and time again, even going as far as being a little too friendly with jake just to see how much sunghoon could take before he snapped. though your outcome probably wasn't exactly what you had in mind.

「genre」 : smut

「warning」 : cursing, biting/marking, rough makeout session, fingering, oral (m. & f. receiving), usage of toys, begging, degradation, choking, hair pulling, bondage, pussy slapping, clit play, face fucking, cum eating, dacryphilia, squirting, spitting, kinda toxic possessiveness, mean!dom!sunghoon x sub!reader, unprotected sex (please don't), orgasm denial, edging, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, rough sex, photography, breeding kink, creampie, manhandling, slight breath play, sunghoon is a bit sadistic, mentions of a safeword (but it's not used), petnames (princess, baby, slut, whore…), mentions of blood, implications of multiple rounds, lmk if I missed anything!

You lay out lazily on your boyfriend's bed, waiting for him to finish his shower after he had a long day at work. Scrolling through Twitter, laughing to yourself as you come across yet another article, 'Timeless y/n and Enhypen Jake Spotted Together Once Again, Coincidence or Not?' This had to be the third or fourth article within the last two weeks.

When the first article dropped after you were spotted with Jake at a local coffee shop, you were beyond worried about how your boyfriend would take it. However, seeing his face twist in annoyance and jealousy flipped a switch in you. The way his jaw would clench when he’d spot people on Instagram or Twitter talking about you and Jake, or when ship edits started to get posted of the two of you, or even when you were sitting in the room alone with just Jake. It was insanely attractive and left you dripping in your panties. 

Sunghoon knew it wasn’t your fault for what the press did or didn’t post, but he also couldn’t help the way that it pissed him off beyond belief every time he saw the photos. 

You then made it your goal to see just how much your boyfriend could take before he finally snapped. So you continued to go out in public with Jake, knowing you could be spotted just so you could get a rise out of your boyfriend. After the first week or so, you stepped it up a little bit. Getting a little too friendly with Jake, laughing at his jokes a little too hard, your hands wondering his body a little too much, your voice a little too surly when you talked to him, being just a little too close. Jake, of course, was oblivious to all of your little antics, thinking you were just being friendly and sweet like you usually were. It started to drive Sunghoon up a wall, so much so that he had to avoid being in the same room as Jake so he wouldn’t lash out at the poor boy. Eventually, he caught on to what you were trying to do, and he could feel his blood boil. He could handle you being a brat, but this? He was damn near his wits end, a hair away from snapping.

Coming back to the present, you were snapped out of your thoughts when a knock at the door was heard. Muttering a quick ‘come in,’ you weren’t too surprised to see Jake standing there, hands stuffed in his hoodie pocket.

“Hey, Jakey.” You smiled sweetly at the boy who returned your gesture before looking around the room, presumably looking for your dark-haired boyfriend.

And just as you thought, the question fell from his lips, “Where’s Sunghoon?”

“He’s in the shower,” you told him, and Jake nodded before walking over, flopping down onto the bed, his upper body draped over your lap. 

“Did you see the new article?” He pouted as he started to pick at the end of your skirt, causing you to smile, but you nodded your head before tilting your phone screen down to show him that you had been reading it. Jake sighed dramatically, his face falling into the side of your thigh, “I hope they stop soon. I’m pretty sure Hoon is gonna strangle me the next time one comes out.” He shivered at the thought, causing you to start laughing.

You knew he was right. Sunghoon has been avoiding Jake like the plague for the past few days. Anger and annoyance are the main expressions he wears anymore. His jaw is always locked tight, afraid he might say the wrong thing. But you were enjoying it, maybe a little too much.

Just then, the bathroom door swung open, ceasing your laughter as Sunghoon walked into the room, towel in hand, drying his damp hair. However, as soon as his eyes landed on you and Jake in his bed, you could have sworn you saw a fuse blow in his head. His eyes darkened into a glare, demanding that Jake leave, not a single bit of room left open for discussion. 

Jake nearly levitates off of the bed before rushing out of the room as quickly as he possibly could, not wanting to be at the end of your boyfriend's wrath. You watched with an amused smirk as Sunghoon's eyes trailed from the doorway back to you.

“Is this really that amusing to you?” His voice was cold as he walked towards the open door; it sent a shiver down your spine and your thighs clenching together. You, however, just hummed with a shrug before looking back down at your phone. You peeked over the top of it, excitement bubbling in your chest as you watched Sunghoon slam the door shut before turning the lock. The moment you had been waiting for was finally about to happen; you finally got him to snap. You mentally cheered, completely missing the borderline psychotic gleam in your boyfriend’s eyes.

Sunghoon walked back to the end of the bed, a snarl pulling on his upper lip, revealing his pointy canine. The very canines you wished would mark your body up, leaving behind puncture wounds and bruises even though you would get a lot of shit from your manager and makeup artist. He never did, though, because he knew the stakes; however, now? Now, all of those thoughts. All of the sane thoughts, really. Completely vanished from his mind.

He leaned over the bed, grabbing your outstretched ankle before yanking your body down to him. A small gasp fell from your lips at the sudden action but was quickly quieted when you bit your tongue as Sunghoon hovered over you, slotting his body against yours. 

The dark, lustful look in his eyes had your body wiggling in anticipation, a shock rushing through your veins when you felt his erection against your thinly covered core. Thinking back to all of the stuff you did to get here made you giggle because you thought you had finally won. Or so you thought. Sunghoon, on the other hand, found it far, so far, from amusing.

“Well, see how much you’ll be laughing, princess,” He chuckled darkly before his slender fingers wrapped tightly around your throat, causing your breath to hitch, but all the air was soon taken out of your lungs when he kissed you hard.

A cry tore from your lungs when he bit down on your bottom lip before sucking on it. You were sure that it had drawn blood, but your mind was quickly bought elsewhere when his other hand cupped your boob, squeezing harshly. 

“You just like the attention, huh?” He growled, nipping at your jaw, “You’re just a little attention whore, is that it?” 

You whined as his grip on your throat got tighter, not enough to completely cut off your air supply, but definitely enough to make you feel a little lightheaded. Sunghoon was typically always rough when it came to sex, but this? This was new, and you’d be lying if you said it didn’t turn you on even more.

“Don’t think I don’t know what your little game was.” His voice was deep, sending shock waves throughout your body, “How you purposely left with Jake knowing the press was watching,” He moved his hand, allowing you to breathe, but not long before he sunk his teeth into the soft flesh of your neck causing you to cry out his name, “or how you threw yourself all over Jake…” Tears pricked at the corner of your eyes as he continued to bite and suck on your neck, leaving deep purple and red marks. “All for what, huh? My attention? Well, guess what, princess, now you have it.” 

You knew you probably pushed him way over the edge the moment he started to mark up your skin. While his hands were tight enough on your body, you were sure they’d leave bruises behind. Then that dark lust that clouded his eyes was the final ringer that let you know, ‘oh I really fucked up’. 

“Hoon-” “What’s the safe word?” Oh, you definitely fucked up; you knew he never mentioned the safe word unless he was going to be rough. The two of you only came up with it just as percussion, mainly when you tried something new. But for him to ask now when you could clearly see the anger in his eyes? Yeah, you were screwed.

When he didn’t get an answer quickly enough, he grabbed your face, squishing your cheeks together, and moved his face merely inches away from yours.

“What’s. The. Word. Y/n.” Sunghoon snarled, enunciating every word with a glare. Your eyes were wide, not quite out of fear but something else you weren’t sure what to call.

“Purple.” You responded to the best of your ability with his hand on your face, eyes staring into his.

Then he let go of your face before pushing off of your body, standing flat on his feet. You pushed yourself up, eyes on him, ready to ask what he was doing. However, his voice was quick to beat you to it.

“Strip and on your knees.”

The tone of his voice was already enough to leave you dripping in your underwear, but the way his eyes bore into you made your whole body shiver. This new side of Sunghoon was something you never thought you would need, but it is now. You wanted so badly to disobey him, but you knew that if you continued to push his buttons, he wouldn’t hesitate to leave you without cumming. 

So, with shaky legs, you pulled yourself to your feet before slowly undoing the button on your skirt and letting it fall to the floor. You could feel Sunghoon’s fiery gaze on you as you pulled your shirt over your head and threw it somewhere in the room. Once you were left standing there completely bare before him, Sunghoon walked over and put his hand on your shoulder, pushing you down onto your knees.

“Now be a good girl and put that pretty mouth of yours to use,” He spoke lowly, his finger combing through your hair until he got to the crown of your head. A whimper fell from your lips as you placed your hands on his thighs to stabilize yourself when he tugged your head back harshly. “And I swear to god you try to tease, I will leave you here tied to the bed with a vibrator attached to your cunt.” The way his upper lip pulled back to show his pointed tooth, you knew he wasn’t lying.

"O-Okay," You choked out as he cranked your neck back a little more, eliciting a cry from your lips. He then let go, standing straight again, allowing you to slightly relax your neck. You wasted no time pulling his sweatpants' string loose before hooking your fingers around the waistband to pull them down. Once his pants were pooled at his feet, you lifted yourself up a bit, mouth watering at the sight of your boyfriend's dick.

Sunghoon then held something out to you, and your eyes went wide at the sight of the little pink egg, “Put this in that needy little hole of yours, and don’t you dare cum without my permission.” Your gaze shifted from the little toy to your boyfriend’s hooded gaze before taking it into your hand.

You kept your eyes locked with his as you brought the toy down to your pulsating heat, rubbing it up and down to collect your slick to use as lube. The slight stretch it offered left a whine falling from your lips, but it wasn’t nearly enough. That’s what you thought, at least, until a sudden vibration caused your whole body to jolt and a moan to slip past your lips. Then it was gone. Sunghoon watched from above as your body relaxed a bit, your eyes shifting to meet his once more.

He then grabbed himself at the base before tapping the head against your lips, prompting you to open your mouth. You parted your lips, sticking your tongue out, letting him drag his tip across your wet muscle, hissing at the contact. Shuffling a bit closer, you encased your lips around his tip, causing him to groan. Sunghoon gathered your hair into a makeshift ponytail before thrusting his hips forward, sheathing his entire length in your mouth. Thankfully, your gag reflex was almost nonexistent; otherwise, you were sure you would be a choking mess. 

His pace started out steady; his hold on your hair kept your head in place. Until he found his rhythm, and his hips snapped forward, hitting the back of your throat, causing tears to prick at the corner of your eyes. Then the little toy inside of you buzzed to life, causing a moan to tear through your throat, muffled by his dick. The vibrations caused Sunghoon’s head to fall back with a groan.

Your head started to go fuzzy with pleasure as Sunghoon continued to piston his hips until your nose brushed his pelvis bone. The vibrations then kicked up, causing your body to jolt, nails to dig into his thighs, and you to moan around his cock. All of the sensations were overwhelming, and you weren’t sure if you would last much longer, but then Sunghoon’s words echoed in your brain. Knowing that he would punish you even more if you came without his permission, you tried your best to hold it in.

The drag of his cock along your tongue was enough to have your eyes roll back as you pressed the wet appendage against him.

“Fuck, this is supposed to be a punishment, yet you look like you enjoy sucking my dick.” He chuckled darkly before a throaty groan broke from his lips, his hips stuttering as he got closer to his high. You hummed around him, trying to keep yourself grounded, but you nearly choked as he turned the vibrations up to the highest setting. Tears were spilling from your eyes as you screwed them shut, pleasure overriding your senses.

Sunghoon wanted to burn this image into his memory, the tears running down your flushed cheeks. How the mixture of his pre-cum and your saliva dripped from your chin. The dark purple and red bite marks that covered the skin of your neck. The way your hips rocked against nothing but the air as you struggled to keep from tipping over the edge. God, it was a picture-perfect sight; if he could, he would share it with the world. A clear sign that you were his.

The thought of all of your guys' fans seeing it drove him over the edge, his dick twitching in your mouth as he painted your throat white. An animalist growl tore through his mouth as he rocked his hip, riding out his high before shutting the vibrator off. He then pulled out of your mouth, watching as you closed your lips, swallowing his seed without a word. You then opened your mouth once more, tongue lolling out to show him.

He then tugged on your hair, causing you to whine as you stood on wobbly legs. Not giving you a moment to breathe before his lips found yours in a heated kiss. He groaned at the taste of himself on your tongue before maneuvering you back until your knees hit the bed. A gasp fell from your lips as Sunghoon picked you up and crawled onto the bed before laying you flat on your back. 

Sunghoon pulled away from your lips, pressing hot, wet kisses along your jugular down to your breast before encasing one of your nipples in his mouth. A breathy moan escaped your parted lips as your fingers ran through his hair, tugging slightly. 

A loud cry escaped from your lips, and tears fell from your eyes when the vibrator kicked back to life. Your hips bucking against Sunghoon’s body, and your hands tugging on his hair. The male smirked as your body tensed underneath his, listening to every little noise that left your pretty lips.

“Hoon- fuck!” You cried out when you felt his slim fingers prodding at your entrance, thumb pressed against your clit. There was no way you were going to be able to last long at this rate, but when you met his dark gaze, you knew you had no other choice.

Your back arched off of the bed when he pushed two of his fingers into your pussy, pushing the little egg further in. A lewd, pornographic moan tore from your lungs when it pressed against your sweet spot.

“Found it,” Sunghoon chuckled, pulling his mouth away from your tits to watch as your body convulsed under him. His fingers started to pump in and out of your slick walls while turning the vibrator up.

Your ears were ringing, and your brain was starting to go blank as your body became overwhelmed with pleasure. Moans and cries of Sunghoon’s name fell from your lips like a mantra, and you could feel that little knot tighten to the point of almost snapping.

“‘M close! Hoon, please!” You cried out, back arching off of the bed as your eyes nearly rolled to the back of your head. Then, just like that, your orgasm was ripped away from you when Sunghoon pulled not only his fingers out but the vibrator as well. Pleas and whines slipped past your swollen lips as your vision focused, but your words were cut short when Sunghoon wrapped his fingers around your throat once more.

“Oh no, baby, you seem to have forgotten.” He left a chaste kiss on the corner of your lips before moving to your ear, “this is a punishment, you’ll cum when I say you can.”

Tears spilled down your cheeks as you locked eyes with your boyfriend, your mind reeling. This wasn’t how you expected things to go; sure, you knew he was going to punish you, but this? Your whole body was on fire, and the touch of Sunghoon’s finger felt like it was searing your skin, leaving behind traces of his touch.

Your jaw fell slack as Sunghoon slipped his fingers back into your dripping cunt, moving at a harsh pace. His thumb presses down in tight circles on your clit. Cries left your lips as you tried to push your boyfriend's hand away from your sore hole, but he was quick to grab your wrists with a growl, pinning them above your head.

“Don’t be a brat, be a good little slut and take my fingers.” His words stung in all the right ways, and your cunt squeezed around his fingers. Sunghoon smirked before catching your lips in a bruising kiss, muffling all the moans escaping your throat.

Your head fell back as you tried to wiggle your hips away from Sunghoon’s hand, the sensation becoming too much, almost mind-numbing. Sunghoon pulled his fingers out before landing a firm smack on your clit, causing a loud cry to fall from your lips, tears flowing down your cheeks.

“What did I say?” His tone was a low growl, sliding his finger back in.

“Please, Hoon, it’s- fuck! ‘S too much.” Your cries only spurred your boyfriend on, speeding his fingers up.

Broken sobs fell from your mouth as you felt that same knot in your gut reappear, but you knew that he would just rip that away. Your nails dug into the palm of your hand as you tried to ground yourself, but his fingers just kept rubbing your velvet walls in all the right ways, making stars cloud your vision. And then it was gone once again.

Sunghoon’s dick twitched at the sight of your tear-streaked face, loving how your makeup smeared under your eyes, how tears stuck to your eyelashes as you looked up at him with the fuck-out expression he loves so much. His eyes then traveled down the length of your body, your hands pinned so perfectly under his, the love bites that littered your neck and chest, the sheen of sweat that coated your body, then, finally, your dripping cunt. Your slick leaked out onto his sheets, leaving a wet patch. The sight made him rock hard once more, to the point that it almost hurt.

His silence was worrying to you because you couldn’t tell what he was thinking, let alone what he was going to do next. Just then, he released your wrist before leaning over to his bedside table. Your eyes widened as he pulled out the bundle of black rope, shaking your head frantically.

“No, no, I’ll be good, I promise! Sunghoon, please.” You begged, tears streaming from your eyes. However, those pleas were cut short when he glared down at you, holding his hand out for yours. “Sung-”

“Hands. Now.” His tone left no room for negotiation, and with a whine, you placed your hands in his. Watching as he bound your wrists together before pulling them above your head to attach them to the headboard. Once you were locked in place, he leaned down, face mere centimeters away from yours. “Should have thought about that before, huh?” His voice was harsh, his eyes gleaming, almost sadistic. “Maybe I should mark up this perfect body of yours; then maybe you’ll get the idea that you’re mine.” 

You bite your lip as he moves down your body, hooking his hands under your thighs, lifting your lower half until your ass rests on his chest, legs hanging over his shoulders. The position was extremely uncomfortable, but that soon slipped away from your mind when his lips latched to the inside of your thigh. Your breathing was ragged, breathy moans and whines falling from your lips as he left bites and marks all along your inner thighs.

Once he was satisfied with all of the marks, he moved down, blowing on your drenched pussy, watching as you clenched around nothing. Sunghoon gathered a ball of saliva in his mouth before letting it drop onto your clit, watching as it trailed down to join the abundance of slick. Your eyes watched his movements, lips tucked between your teeth. He then dived right into your pussy, licking a long stripe from your slit to your clit before harshly sucking on the bundle of nerves, eliciting a strangled moan from your lungs.

“Holy shit!” You cried out as your head flew back into his pillows, hips bucking into his face. Sparks flew across your vision as he held onto your hips, tight enough to halt any of your movements.

Sunghoon then trailed back down to your slit, sticking his tongue in, tasting your sweetness as it gushed out onto his tongue. He hummed at the taste, sending vibrations through your core and making you cry out his name, hands clenched into fists above your head. He continued to eat you out like a starved man while you were a whining mess under him, tugging on the restraints, hoping they would budge, but they didn’t.

“Hoon- fuck, please don’t stop.” You cried out, head falling back as he latched his lips to your clit once more, drawing patterns on the little button. The pillow under your head had your tears stains on it as the salty liquid continued to flow from your eyes at the instrumental amount of pleasure you were feeling.

You begged him not to stop as you felt that knot reappear once more, hoping that he would finally let you have that release. Sunghoon smirked against your core, listening to your choked pleas and moans. His movements didn’t let up as your body started to twitch, a tell-tale sign that you were close.

“Cum for me slut.” He growled against your skin; the mixture of the vibrations and his teeth slightly scraping against your clit had you toppling over the edge. Your body convulsed in his hold, toes curling behind his head and his name leaving your mouth in a borderline scream. It all just spurred your boyfriend on as he continued to devour you, easily throwing your body into overstimulation.

All of your body muscles tensed, and your shoulders grew sore from the angle at which they were placed. You were sure that your legs wouldn’t be usable the next day, nor would your voice, but that was a problem for future you to worry about. Right now, your brain is far too cloudy to think straight, pleasure drowning all of your senses.

A silent scream tore through your lips as Sunghoon placed the little vibrating egg against your clit. Your legs moved to snap close, but Sunghoon was quicker than that, grabbing hold of one of your thighs and keeping it in place. The mixture of the vibrations and his tongue buried in your cunt had your legs shaking by his head, another orgasm already on the horizon.

Inchohent moans and noises fell from your lips as he brought you over the edge once more, eyes squeezed shut. Sunghoon slurped up all of your juices, not leaving a single drop before pulling the vibrator away from your twitching clit. He then kissed the bundle of nerves, causing a small squeak to leave your lips. Your eyes then opened slowly, meeting Sunghoon’s eyes as he looked down at you with a smug look.

As he laid your body down, you could feel your muscles relaxing, and you closed your eyes, trying to catch your breath. However, your eyes snapped open when you felt the tip of his cock prodding at your entrance.

“You didn’t think we were done already, did you princess?” He chuckled, watching the shock on your face morph into pleasure as he slid in with little resistance. Your nails dug into the palm of your hand as a choked sob tore from your lungs.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…” The word fell from your lips in a rushed chant as Sunghoon’s hips started to slam against yours. “‘S too much, Hoon!” You cried out as your back arched off the bed.

“No, it’s not; just shut up and take it,” Sunghoon growled, hands holding onto your hips with a vice-like grip. A high-pitched squeal broke through your parted lips when his hand came up and wrapped around your throat once more, “who’s pussy is this? Who’s making you feel this good? Who do you belong to?”

“You.” The words choked through your lips, but that didn’t fully satisfy the male; no, he wanted to make sure everyone knew. 

Leaning down, he ghosted his lips over yours, “Then say it.”

He then leaned back up and pounded into your sensitive cunt making your head spin, “Fuck! Yours, Sunghoon!” You screamed as your head fell back, missing the sadistic smirk on your boyfriend’s lips.

Sunghoon continued to thrust hard and deep into you, his pace never slowing, and you could already feel another orgasm creeping up. The words came out jumbled as you tried to warn him, his fingers squeezing the flesh on your neck. 

You were clenching around his dick like crazy, causing him to groan, “fuck keep doing that, and I’m bound to breed this cunt of yours.” The words only made you clench around him again, making him chuckle, “You want that, don’t you? You want my seed filling your womb until you’re sure to get pregnant, huh?” You mewled at his words, fucked out eyes looking up to beg.

Seeing the expression on your face almost drove Sunghoon over the edge, your tear-stained cheeks and glossy eyes that were begging him to cum inside, then your swollen lips that were parted as you moaned out his name. Fuck he wasn’t going to last much longer. Taking his hand off of your neck, he moved down to press his thumb against your clit, circling it in tight circles. Your hips bucked at his touch as your nerves were set aflame once more. The knot in your stomach tightened to an unimaginable level, but this one felt different. Like your body was about to burst, but before you could even get the chance to warn Sunghoon, your orgasm hit. Your release gushes out in waves, coating your and his thighs. A loud pornographic moan fell from your lips, and Sunghoon cursed under his breath at the sight. 

“You fucking squirted, you filthy whore.” He chastises you, his hips stuttering as he feels his high creeping up. A whine fell from your lips as he continued to fuck into you at a harsh pace until he finally tipped over the edge with a groan, painting your gummy wall white. 

Sunghoon continued to rock his hips into yours, riding out his high before coming to a complete stop. His eyes squeezed shut, feeling you wrapped around his still semi-hard dick, milking him for all he was worth. Opening his eyes, he let the flutter down to where the two of you were still connected, groaning at the sight of the white ring around the base of his cock. He wanted to capture this moment. So he did.

Leaning over, he grabbed your phone, which had been haphazardly thrown to the side, before opening the camera, ignoring the article you had pulled up. You didn’t even realize what he was doing as you tried to catch your breath until you heard the shutter click. Your eyes opened at the noise, surprised to see your boyfriend aiming the camera down at where his dick was still sheathed inside of your cunt.

Sunghoon could feel himself grow hard again at the sight, wanting nothing more than to make a big mess of the two of you. Swiping on the screen, he switched to the video recorder and hit the little red button before rocking his hips against yours. A whimper fell from your lips as he continued to toy with your puffy cunt.

"Oh, I'm not done with you yet, baby…" he chuckled darkly, his eyes meeting yours. "Far from it."

@alvojake | Do not steal, plagiarise, translate, or repost any of my work

𝖉𝖎𝖘𝖈𝖑𝖆𝖎𝖒𝖊𝖗 : ᴛʜɪꜱ ɪꜱ ɴᴏ ᴡᴀʏ ᴀ ᴛʀᴜᴇ ʀᴇᴘʀᴇꜱᴇɴᴛᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ᴏꜰ ᴀɴʏ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀꜱ. ᴛʜɪꜱ ɪꜱ ᴘᴜʀᴇʟʏ ꜰɪᴄᴛɪᴏɴ ᴀɴᴅ ꜰᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇɴ��ᴏʏᴍᴇɴᴛ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ ᴀɴᴅ ɴᴏᴛ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴛᴀᴋᴇɴ ꜱᴇʀɪᴏᴜꜱʟʏ.

𝖙𝖆𝖌𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙: @heesitation @riftanswhore @yeonzzzn @yzzyhee

[lady-raziel]

long reaction to the update

ok. so they put out an update video! since i've been commentating for the last three days i might as well subject you all to more of my thoughts today.

main takeaway: this was a good apology video. i mean it. short and to the point, no overproduction, heartfelt and honest (and not a ukelele to be seen. thank god.) they took ownership of the situation, apologized, and restated how much they value their relationship with the fandom.

their solution is to make the watcher tv platform into kind of an iteration of patreon where content is available for early access before it is released onto youtube later. this is clearly a better option than paywalling everything for everyone. i'm not sure what the relative breakdown of costs turns out to be when you compare how much they were making on patreon after the platform took their cut VS how much it costs in overhead to run and maintain their own platform (how much it costs annually to contract via Vimeo, essentially). but i'm sure that's part of the calculation.

all things considered, that does seem like the best option out of all the alternatives. it allows them to not completely abandon any of the pans they have simmering over the fire for the time being. i don't think i ever thought they were going to just say "oops, forget about the streaming thing! let's pretend that never happened!" because at this point they've invested quite a lot of time and money into it, and i don't disagree that keeping it in some iteration may help them make up some of the funds they're lacking.

i would say, it's fine to keep the streamer. this is one of the ok outcomes, all things considered-- but if they're going to do it, they've GOT to do it smart from this point forward. listen to both the fans and the consultants intimately. both are going to have valid points, and both are going to be right. listening to too much of either side will sink this thing because each has motives and expertise that the other doesn't. if the fans say $6 is too much, listen to them-- but have conversations with business consultants about how much you realistically need to charge to make things work.

also, i'd use this whole situation as a learning experience. watcher is a young company, and it's literally inevitable that mistakes will happen. what's different is that the watcher crew haven't really been in a position before where they've been on the receiving end of the internet-angry-justice-hammer to this extent. it's one thing to watch it happen to others, but it's a position of extreme privilege (and a bit of hubris) to think "but that won't happen to me, because i'm built different." naw, man-- two things in life are inevitable: death and fuckups. the callout posts get us all in the end.

what's really important is that they use this as a wakeup call that even the most loyal fandoms will only follow you so far to the cliff's edge, and you don't want to push that. you have to strike a balance between the passion projects that you think are worthy and the stuff that maybe doesn't excite you as much anymore but the people want to see. a little fanservice keeps the lights on, as unfair as that might seem. i'm gonna make 50 markiplier choccy milk memes just so i can make one niche political joke once and a while for 6 likes. it is what it is.

i'd also use this as a chance to take a very careful look at company structure and finances. it's not fun to do and nobody likes it. trust me-- this is hard whether you're a single adult trying to pay the bills or the freaking US government (speaking from experience on both-- i have to read the president's budget for work frequently). but you all have to ask hard questions about the ratio of creative staff you take on VS staff for administrative and other business roles, as well as the costs and benefits of everything you spend money on. how many staff members are essential to location shoots? can this video be shot with 2 cameras instead of 3 and thus you don't need another cameraperson? you might even have to come to the decision that instead of pitching a new show it makes more sense to use those funds to hire your essential non-creative roles or contract firms or freelancers.

paying staff a fair wage with benefits speaks highly of what watcher wants their values to be. it's hard to find such a position in a creative role and still actually get to work on things you care about. but it would be much worse if watcher didn't make realistic decisions about finances and it lead to the death of the company and everyone losing their jobs. the whole watcher company can work, in my opinion, but not without some sacrifices. they're going to have to run it more like a business and less like a youtube-channel-turned-business in the future if they want to survive.

last thing i'll add is that while i do think this was a good apology video, i still think they hurt themselves by not putting out some sort of statement on Friday or Saturday just to say that they were formulating a response. As i've said in other posts, it's ok and in fact beneficial to not make a kneejerk reaction, but it's also very important to communicate that you SEE what's happening. you SEE what people are saying and THAT'S why you need more time to respond. saying nothing and leaving the angry public to wonder if you dropped your phone off the Hoover Dam or just don't care? that's a fumble. it's a common mistake companies make in a crisis, but that doesn't mean it doesn't erode trust fast.

this could have been handled better in many ways. we see that, and i'm glad watcher says they see that too. crucial going forward is taking all this and patching the errors that caused all this to fall apart and learning from the experience.

tbh at this point what i'm most sad about is that the watcher crew have probably been too stressed out and upset to appreciate some of the absolute bangers people have been laying down to clown on them. i think if it wasn't about them they might be touched by the collective attitude and creative spirit. /j

[immunetoneurotoxin]

EMERGENCY CAT SURGERY | Pickle needs HELP!

I never thought it would be my turn to make one of these posts.

TW; CAT INJURY

Sunday night, my 6 month old kitten, pickle, had a really bad fall down a hardwood staircase after getting startled, and upon impact with the first floor, his little femur took the entire force of the impact and it snapped clean in half. My heart dropped to my stomach when I heard him thump hard against the ground and he began to cry, we immediately dropped everything and rushed him to the emergency vet nearby.

Turns out, the injury was worst than we thought. He needs orthopedic surgery to fit his femur with a metal plate. This will help him recover faster with the best successful outcome for his quality of life, but this is going to cost a staggering $4,000 dollars. He hasn't even celebrated his 1st birthday yet, he's still just a baby and this terrible accident happened. Pickle is truly my best friend, he has been my little beacon of light through it all, he is the one who sits with me while I write long chapters for my novels, and I will do absolutely anything for him.

My heart is fucking shattered seeing my normally happy and high-energy baby have such a traumatic injury like this. I know this is hard on his mental health, too. Please, if you can, help us help pickle. If anyone is willing to donate to our GoFundMe to help us alleviate the burden of surgery costs while I'm literally still desperately job hunting, it would help me and my partner more than you can imagine. If you can't financially support it at the moment, don't worry, I completely understand. But please, share this post as far out into your friends list as you can. Sharing will still help us out so so much.

Whether you donate or share, Pickle thanks you for helping his little leg get better. ❤️‍🩹

VISIT GOFUNDME

CA$HAPP: $EricEdrington

[i4bellingham]

PLS can I request! I really love ur fics💓💓 can I request Trent going on a date with very shy reader and he finds it kinda cute but then she starts to speak up as they get to know eachother? pls pls pls pls pls !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DEAREST : trent alexander-arnold x reader

note: match games don't necessarily align with what happens in real life so you can ignore that 💀 we're trying to be on the good vibes here so ofc liverpool wins 😤 + tried a different writing style with this one. thank you so much to anon for requesting! i know this took me a while to post so i would like to apologize for that and i feel like the outcome isn't what you exactly asked for but here it is 😭 i’m still in a writing slump but i’m starting to push myself to write again at the very least wskdbsjsj

You're very adorable, Trent thinks so as he stares at you from across the table during your first date.

You can’t look him in the eye properly, let alone hold a conversation without stuttering over your words. But Trent thinks that it's okay. It's very cute of you. He doesn't mind that so long as you're not actually intimidated by him.

Trent knows that he can come off as deadpan most of the time. With a face that looks like everything had left him, like he's not happy and enjoying although that's just how his face really is. He's not bothered by that but he is concerned that you're terrified of him in reality. That's something that he can't live by.

But your second date comes by and although the situation with you being unable to look at him properly without stumbling over your sentences wasn't entirely fixed, Trent at least knows that you like him the same because if that's not the case, then why would you agree to a second date with him. Right?

During that, you with your best tries to explain why you can't withhold conversations with him without your stuttering, or how you get so flustered easily by a single glance at Trent.

He almost laughs at your explanation, but kept himself from doing so because he doesn't want to come off as obnoxious; even though his supposed laugh is the embodiment of how much he wanted to cuddle you right then and there for being so adorable.

“I-I know you already notice that I-I you know... st-stutter a lot during conversations and I j-just uh want to apologize for that I swear to you I uh I uhm I’m not like this every time... it's just you're-you’re very gorgeous and I just feel flustered whenever I look directly at youㅡplease don’t smile or I’ll literally pass out right here-”

Trent nods his head understandingly but the smile on his lips doesn't fade. Not even until three days after your second date.

The third date came easily after that, a week right after the second date which was prompted by you asking the scouser for an Italian dinner night over at yours. And Trent of course doesn't let the opportunity pass to get to know you better.

The dinner, although you've told him that you'll prepare everything for your three course meal, was cooked with his help, hence reducing the prepping for a shorter amount of time than what would it have been had you not let Trent helped.

The conversation during that dinner went a lot more smoothly. He can't exactly tell what changed but he assumed that maybe it's because of the light banter and jokes being exchanged while cooking for your dinner date.

You managed to look at him in the eye for more than 20 seconds, a relevant and significant observation for Trent, and you countered his playful jabs with your own and even responded with a few sarcastic quips that Trent knew were something out of your zone. He appreciated the invite for the dinner date but he appreciated that you're learning to warm up to him more, most of all.

Third time’s a charm some may say, and Trent thinks so too because as your fourth date came by, he couldn't have been more surprised to hear you initiate conversations with him ranging from topics about your Uni to the latest gossip in your friend group that definitely piqued Trent’s interest. He was amused, enticed and hooked all at the same time as you rambled on how your week had gone sour due to a conflict within your friends.

He had offered some of his remarks that almost immediately you entertained, mainly agreeing with his points of what should have been done as you nod your head accordingly to his words.

Fifth date came by easily as it was initiated and Trent couldn't have been more excited to see you a week after the last date.

You were supposed to meet up over coffee three days after the fourth date ended but unfortunately, you had some things going on at Uni that occupied your schedule for two entire days. Hence why when you told Trent about a specific vacant date in your calendar (which fortunately and coincidentally aligned with one of his games), he had immediately asked for you to come visit Anfield to watch their football game live.

You certainly did not receive a package that exact afternoon after Trent had asked you to come watch their game in the mail. It was a football kit, Trent’s kit to be exact with a hand-written letter from the man himself.

Game day comes by and donned your red Liverpool kit, you're sat on the reserved seating arrangement for you and the other family members and friends of the other Liverpool players.

You managed to meet some of the girlfriends and wives of Trent’s teammates and was even invited in a coffee date out with some of them the very next week. You proceeded to watch the entire game with them after that, clutching on your red scarf the entire time as the play progressed, only letting go of it temporarily during the half time before holding it like your life depended on the fabric when the second half of the match began.

Luckily enough, the game ended on Liverpool’s win. But instead of going home directly, Trent, despite playing nearly the entire game actually asks you if he can come over. Just for the win, you tell him yes as you celebrate their victory by popping a champagne bottle open with some finger snacks you have in store.

What cozy night it should have been became a chaotic one as the both of your drunken state started a dance battle in the middle of your living room before transitioning into a failed attempt at karaoke that woke most of your neighbors.

The next morning after that is spent on your bed with Trent and your raging headaches and hangover; simply put, it was a memorable date night that would be reminisced even five years later as you're both saying your wedding vows in front of your families and friends.

[space-coyote-remix]

Long ass stream of consciousness post about my opinions on every fight in Record of Ragnarok so far:

Spoilers for Record of Ragnarok up to Round 9:

Round 1: Thor vs Lu Bu

Pretty decent fight overall, I genuinely couldn't guess who was going to win at first and though Lu Bu's death felt a bit anticlimatic at the end, with him getting his head smashed in by a hammer after all the build-up he had about being the strongest and most badass human and all that. But overall a good fight, I liked Thor and Lu Bu about equally so I was sad but not too sad after it was all said and done.

Round 2: Adam vs. Zeus

I was really hoping for Adam to win, naturally, but I had a feeling Zeus was going to take it because there's no way they would kill off the main villain that quick (and honestly, I don't think anyone else is gonna replace Zeus as the main villain, so to speak, even if there are other gods doing random evil scheming and shit in the background.) The fighting itself was good, though, it was the most straightforward slugfest of them all, no fluff, no frills, just two dudes beating the hell out of each other until one of them ran out of gas in the tank.

Round 3: Kojiro vs. Poseidon

Hoo boy, this was my favorite fight so far, and not only because it was one of the only two fights where the guy I wanted to win most won. I like how much of an asshole Poseidon was right off the bat and how Kojiro didn't let Poseidon get to him at all, despite Poseidon being portrayed as one of the more frightening gods, Kojiro didn't back down and give up, he kept on pushing through and in the end he took it. The moment Kojiro sliced and diced Poseidon like sushi, I literally leapt off my couch and accidentally threw my phone on the ground I was so hype (I watched the anime before reading the manga.)

Round 4: Heracles vs. Jack

I had mixed feelings about this one, because obviously I lean more towards wanting humanity to win but also, I never really liked Jack, and I still don't care for him. He's just there to me, and he does nothing for me. I disliked him a lot in the beginning but now he's just, idk, whatever. I liked Heracles and wanted to see more of him but I had a feeling he was probably going to die because he was portrayed as being much nicer than his opponent while Jack was portrayed as a cunning, crafty trickster, and in most fighting anime/manga series, the fighter who relies more on cunning or sneaky tricks almost always beats the guy who relies more on strength or raw power.

Round 5: Raiden vs. Shiva

I wanted Raiden to take it so bad, Raiden cracked me up from the moment I first saw him lying naked on a bed with a bunch of random women of all sorts of random species, snoring his ass off like it was just a regular fucking Tuesday (no pun intended,) and his introduction scene made me start howling with laughter at his absolute unfiltered horny crackhead energy, plus I love how he was genuinely fond of Thrud from the moment he laid eyes on her and it tugged at my heart strings when he wanted to break their bond at the end so she could live but she chose to die with him anyways because she didn't want to leave him. But of course, given who and what Shiva is, obviously the outcome was as predictable as could be, as there's no fucking way they'd ever kill off Shiva in a fictional series, otherwise you'd have like 2 billion people out for blood and it's pretty damn obvious why.

Round 6: Buddha vs. Zero

Plot wise and thematically, I enjoyed this fight a lot, but it was pretty predictable, because as I mentioned for Round 5, there's a very obvious reason why they would never let Buddha lose, plus Buddha's the one who invented the volund strategy that even allows humans to be able to fight against gods in the first place. That said, I like Buddha as a character even if he's not much like the actual real Buddha, and I'm glad he won. However, Zero having to die really broke my heart, Zero was such a kind, sweet, innocent little guy and I cried a little harder than I'd like to admit when he died. Of course, it also doesn't help that Zero may not have even been a willing participant in the fight in the first place, given his various issues that he'd been dealing with plus the fact that given how he seems much younger than the other gods, it's possible that he might not have even been an adult by their standards and the idea of a child (possibly a young teenager,) fighting in a fight-to-the-death tournament is one that just doesn't sit right with me. That said, I have many opinions about Buddha and Zero, way more than I could fit into a single post, and I'm glad we got to see both of them for the time that we did, and even though I'll always be bummed that we'll never get to see Zero again, I'm glad he was there and I'm glad that in the end even though he died, he was able to return back to his un-corrupted self after his fight with Buddha.

Round 7: Hades vs. Qin

I honestly didn't have much opinions about this fight. For whatever reason, I could never make myself care much about either Hades and Qin as characters and while I appreciate that Hades cared about his brothers, I also don't care for the Greek gods much as a whole, and the rest of them besides Hades annoy me to some degree (especially Poseidon and to a lesser degree Apollo,) and Qin just has way too much going on to the point where he feels more like a collection of as many tropes as someone could fit into a single character packed together in a trenchcoat like a bunch of little kids standing on each other's backs and wearing a big coat to try to disguise themselves as an adult. I had a feeling Qin was probably going to win, but I couldn't really be bothered to care either way, although I did find it odd that Hades would lose to a human-if you had me guess which gods would beat a human no questions asked before I actually started the series, I would have definitely included Hades on that list because I mean, he's the god of death and the underworld, those titles carry a lot of weight.

Round 8: Tesla vs. Beelzebub. I had/have some problems with some of the previous rounds but hoo boy, Round 8 was a disaster. Tesla was given absolutely no prep time to even figure out what to do (and though you could argue the same for other fighters, it's only really relevant for Tesla because he's the only human fighter who was a non-combatant besides Jack, and Jack was already established as a sneaky son of a bitch who will find a way to trick anyone, so he didn't need any prep time.) Including Tesla on the roster was a very odd choice to begin with, and though I like Tesla as a character, I have very mixed feelings about how they handled him fighting. Also, Beelzebub-don't get me started on him. I haven't hated a character this much since Sasuke from Naruto, and to be honest, of the two of them, I think I hate Beelzebub more. Even just having Beelzebub be in the story at all pisses me off, and seeing him kill Tesla after what he did to Zero was one of the few moments in this series that just genuinely pissed me off.

Round 9: Somehow worse than Round 8, which I didn't think was possible. Leonidas hardly got any focus, his backstory was basically just an abbreviated re-telling of the movie 300 and he only got 3 hits on Apollo (granted, those 3 hits were apparently enough to bring Apollo to death's door, but still,) Leonidas had so much wasted potential it pissed me off. Apollo annoys me for various personal reasons and his sudden reveal that "Oh, he's actually not an arrogant preening prick with his head shoved up his ass," halfway through the fight felt so forced it was like a random ass-pull that just came out of nowhere. Leonidas basically didn't get to do much of anything besides be a disposable punching bag for Apollo for 5 fucking chapters and then Apollo's like "Oh, you (and Geirolul) were the peak of beauty." and somehow we're supposed to believe they just suddenly started liking each other out of nowhere. The whole fight felt sloppy and incomplete, like the authors just ran out of fucks to give and wanted to rush it and get through it as fast as possible to move onto Round 10, which I won't get into now for many, many, reasons that would take way, way too long to explain on this post.

[sincerely-sofie]

One thing I will say is that saying you "disagree with the term queer" Is Not A Great Look, but that could easily be a me not getting the wording as intended thing - The above assumes you mean just, queer in general though it feels more like you might've meant in reference to yourself? (Which is entirely fine - I'm of the opinion that any given label should be opt-in to anyone who's genuine about it rather than mandatory.)

Really, the main important thing I appreciate is being able to accept others where they're at. Being able to just say "Yeah, sure, ok" and go along even if I don't personally understand is honestly one of my core beliefs* too, and with minimal disrespect it's nice seeing this from a Christian. The little I actually know suggests something worth looking into, and the notion of an eternal soul is something I find fairly agreeable (if not strictly the outcomes of that.) Then again, I'm someone whose personal experience with religion can be described as a tangled web of jokes that ran too long and accidentally became character traits, so, maybe not the best judge of anything here. Also, wow, this post got away from me quickly. Originally meant to just put in the first paragraph and call it good.

*I draw a hard line the second that personal belief starts meaning harm to others. Believe what you want about yourself, but anyone saying someone else needs to change their ways (bar the very beliefs this targets, primarily meaning bigotry/racists) because of a thing YOU feel a certain way about simply can't be tolerated.

Thanks for the critique! Looking back, I definitely should have written “disagree with the term queer FOR myself” (which was actually the original wording I drafted) rather than “disagree with the term queer myself”. I was trying to cut down on my wordiness as I edited my response, but I ended up just making it a confusing sentence to read. Curse my proofreading anxiety. 

I'll try not to get into it too much here because it'd probably derail this entire response to your ask, but I've got a lot of mixed feelings with most labels, especially ones that were formerly derogatory terms. My church has worked hard to pivot from being called “Mormons” because among other (honestly more important) reasons, the term was basically used as a snide and condescending way to refer to my church, and it quickly became the default phrase for addressing us. The fact that members of my faith were basically referring to themselves with an insult as I grew up in the church never really sat well with me, even if we took pride in it. I'm super impressed by those who can take once-painful words and make them into badges of honor, but for me personally, it's a real emotional minefield. Hence, in part, why I don't agree with using the term queer for myself. It's a matter of preference and personal implications.

Agh, I really rambled on for a while there. I hope that made sense.  

For your second paragraph— it's sad to me that so many people have had such disheartening experiences with Christians. I swear, most of us are loving people. There's just an unfortunate amount of very vocal bible-bashers who forget that God's greatest instructions to us were to love Him and love others. 

If you're interested, there's a lot of resources on my church’s website if you'd like to learn more about what we believe (though there's no pressure from me to read up on it!) I just felt like I should share because we don't believe in a Hell where people burn for all eternity. 

We believe in three different “kingdoms” that everyone will be sorted into, with interaction between them being possible so families and friends can visit each other if they end up divided. The least glorious kingdom (for lack of a better term) is still an absolutely amazing place, full of light and happiness. There is a sort of Hell called Outer Darkness that I guess anyone reading about could see it as a form of eternal punishment, but people choose to go there themselves— it's a form of willing separation from God that happens when people who have an absolutely perfect knowledge of the gospel still choose to go the opposite direction. It's not somewhere you go because you drank coffee or swore in life. That'd be ridiculous.

… I opened my mouth and a missionary came out. Oops. 

Anyhoo, that last paragraph is a big deal, Anon! People need to be able to choose for themselves what they'll do in their lives— any forced change is not change at all, and the second you do harm to another person that isn't in the defense of yourself or others, you're in the wrong. As you can probably tell from my tangent above, I'm an advocate for missionary work, which could be seen as telling people they need to change their ways, but the type of missionary work I stand behind is the kind that invites people to learn more— never forces— and respects when they say no. Always honor agency is my motto. Invite, don't incite. That sort of thing. 

Thanks again for the critique! I appreciate your willingness to send it in and share your thoughts. I'll add a link to this ask in my original post so that if anyone else is confused by my wording, they'll be able to see this and get some better information. 

[gcldfanged]

Meet the Writer

ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴍᴀᴅᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘɪᴄᴋ ᴜᴘ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴜʀʀᴇɴᴛ ᴍᴜꜱᴇ(ꜱ) ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ?

(CANON MUSES) -

Genesis: I actually HATED Genesis initially in the og CC game. I thought he was a lame addition and just like… idk, they wanted Gackt in the game so they made his presence plot relevant? OOOUGH, I was so mad… But then I saw how the rpc and fandom treats him, which is honestly even WORSE SOMEHOW??? So I decided to try writing him seriously and what do you know, I actually kinda like it.

Verdot: I literally have to make the content I wanna see in this rpc, such is my burden. my curse...

(OCs) - I wanted to write about the themes I have on my pinned and honestly, there were so many Tseng rpers who I am friends and mutuals with that knock it out of the fucking ballpark- I just didn't feel like I'd have ANYTHING new or good to contribute to the exploration of his character? So I made an OC :P And he's really changed so much! I remember when I was still making my own art for him and he wasn't QUITE like there the way I wanted him to be, but I didn't have anything better to employ as a faceclaim or reference to draw from. And then Cas was like "btw here's a manga about your HYPERFIXATION" and Kokonoi's general appearance and vibe was a great starting point to go off of instead.

Anyway, There's always things I had planned for Jae in the works or on the backburner, but he has really evolved over the span of years I've been writing him, so I really appreciate every person who took the time to check him out and build something with him.

ɪꜱ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴡʀɪᴛᴇ?

You know, I have been becoming more lenient with allowing myself to write certain things. I always end up being afraid of how people will react to certain themes I explore because... let's be real, a lot of people are pretty intolerant to opinions that are different than theirs. So long as whatever I and/or my partner explore is handled with the care and respect it deserves, I don't really see an issue with much anymore. Hell, I was terrified to post that one drabble fleshing out Jae meeting Veld for the first time because I was afraid people would see Jae's reaction to killing someone as somehow 'excusing abuse' because he wasn't dancing on the guy's corpse and actually showed remorse for what he did. It's fears of what I write about being misconstrued like that that really makes me hesitant to even talk about certain ideas with partners. But I'm getting over that, little by little and step by step.

ɪꜱ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ ᴡʀɪᴛɪɴɢ?

I actually love writing (as you can tell) introspective pieces. Something where you're really getting inside the character's head for a moment to see past all of their walls and facades, or sometimes you're still seeing what they tell THEMSELVES is the real undiluted truth, but isn't. I just love that kinda stream of consciousness really dig deep into the VOICE of a character exploration. Makes me feel lots of emotions.

ʜᴏᴡ ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ ᴜᴘ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʜᴇᴀᴅᴄᴀɴᴏɴꜱ?

Usually I'll be doing something else like watching a piece of media or listening to a podcast and start to think "Ooh, my muse would love this" or "this makes me think of xyz muse wow", and it just kind of expands organically from there.

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡʀɪᴛᴇ ɪɴ ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴄᴇ ᴏʀ ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘʟᴀʏ ᴍᴜꜱɪᴄ?

Music helps get me inspired initially, especially since I make spotify playlists for all my muses (and ships :P), so generally I'm cool with music, but usually I zone in too much on my own writing to pay attention. It's like my sense of hearing turns off.

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘʟᴀɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʀᴇᴘʟɪᴇꜱ ᴏʀ ᴡɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇᴍ?

Both- There's always a general sort of... idea or outcome that me and my partner would LIKE to shoot for? And sometimes we just don't get there, because it really depends on what the characters do/say and how it's taken by the other muse.

For example, I was roleplaying a thread with @steeleidolon's Kunsel where he and Jae are trying to broker a deal and Kunsel ends up saying something to the effect of "your people" and he means the Turks. Jae, on the other hand, hears 'your people' and assumes Kunsel was bringing up his race and the perception of fellow people from Wutai or Hanuel being unfairly insular. So, it kinda went to shit, LOL.

It's little things like that that can color your muse's reaction to sometimes very different degrees than what you plan for!

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ ꜱʜɪᴘᴘɪɴɢ?

I like complicated dynamics and no, I will never shut up about them. Ships for me don't even have to strictly be romantic or sexual in nature, so like- I have some interactions I'm still feeling out with @saishuu-heiki that are platonic but leaning in a distinctly enemy/frenemy/challenges other person kind of vibe? And I think it's great! They don't HAVE to be like "we're friends, we're lovers, or we hate each other'- Like, limiting all your interactions to one of those three options gets really boring for me...

ᴡʜᴀᴛ'ꜱ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴀʟɪᴀꜱ/ɴᴀᴍᴇ?

King_Kkeungi is my mangaka pseudonym for the Silent Manga Audition that I tried submitting to last year. People have called me just "King" (if they didn't know how to pronounce Korean) or "Kkeungi" before, so I tend to go by these handles now.

ᴀɢᴇ?

30s, I'm like Dagon: ancient and evil, spoken about in hushed whispers that the zealots who follow my dark lore worship-

ʙɪʀᴛʜᴅᴀʏ?

May 10th

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ᴄᴏʟᴏʀ(ꜱ)?

Blue-greens like teal and turquoise, soft pastel mint, and pinky-purples

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ꜱᴏɴɢ(ꜱ)?

Currently? PRIMADONNA by Kedarui! It's a sequel to their other song, Femme Fatale and has amazing lore and characters. It's just got fascinating kinda themes and imagery when you watch them back to back.

ʟᴀꜱᴛ ᴍᴏᴠɪᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀᴛᴄʜᴇᴅ?

The 2nd DUNE movie, holy crap, I was blown away!

ʟᴀꜱᴛ ꜱʜᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀᴛᴄʜᴇᴅ?

Hell's Paradise, which I am still TRYING to finish.

ʟᴀꜱᴛ ꜱᴏɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ʟɪꜱᴛᴇɴᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ?

Philip by millenium parade, my new go-to Jae song

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ꜰᴏᴏᴅ?

Thai or Vietnamese food *drools*

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ꜱᴇᴀꜱᴏɴ?

Summer... I just love the heat and the sun and the iconic imagery/sounds/themes like eating watermelon and wearing floppy plastic sandals, melting ice cream, hearing the chime of our furin while sitting outside on the porch of the house.

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴀ ᴛᴜᴍʙʟʀ ʙᴇꜱᴛ ꜰʀɪᴇɴᴅ?

I talk to regularly (like near every day): @ceaselxss, @annjiru, @phoenixshards, @sadistpet, @nightiingaled. Like talking with a lot: @speedchasing, @ofdeference, @hisnewera, @cwarscars, @contemptim, @steeleidolon, @altrxisme, @hxbiris & @hxvemxnd

The people who have known me the LONGEST are mostly discord only rpers now, but Tricky, HD, Kit, and Vixen I consider to be extremely close to me since we've been friends for... like over or around 6+ years and are still ongoing buddies who have met face to face before.

Then there's my ex-fiancee, but he doesn't do tumblr rp anymore.

This list also doesn't even cover ppl I write with/ooc interacted with over a long period of time like @ivory-paragon, @poeticphoenix, @reapersxfolly, @endweapon, @chthonicsurge, or @dcviltriggcr, so- I like reaching out to people and developing bonds! We don't even have to be on discord capslocking at each other, it's really cool when you can come back to an RPC and still have that connection without any awkward small talk?

[aylacavebear]

She Thought She was Normal

A/N: I broke chapter 19 into two parts. It was really long. Also, couldn't indent the dream like I'd done in others, as this one is a bit longer.

Story Summary: Maria really thought she was normal, for most of her life. It was normal for people to have natural talent, she would tell herself the older she got. Many things came easy for her, and that was probably how their rivalry began when she was five and he was seven and she met the Winchesters. Little did either of them know that it wouldn't stay like that forever, both having a far larger destiny than they could imagine

Word Count: 3670

Please don't take my work. I'll post warnings for each chapter. Will eventually be 18+!

Warnings: Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS), Angst (some), back to the slow burn

----------------------------------------- Chapter 19 Pt. 1

“Have you decided then?” the woman’s voice asked from behind her.

She was at that lake again. It was such a serene place, quiet too. Maria sighed and turned to face her, “Can I at least know your name first?” she asked.

“You have to decide first, then I can tell you what you want to know,” the woman replied.

Maria sighed as she sat down on the rock she’d sat on last time, then looked over at the woman, “Yes, I want to know. I just ask that you go slow, so I can process it all.”

The woman smiled softly, yet happily, “I’m Zamariel. You can call me Mari.”

Maria’s eyes widened a bit. She’d had her suspicion of that, but the confirmation surprised her, “What language is that book written in and why can I read it?” she asked, curiously.

“It’s Enochian, the language of the Angels,” Mari replied.

She felt goosebumps run down her body and took a deep breath, “Does that mean I’m an angel?” she asked, nervously.

“Yes, and no. I came to your parents before you were conceived and explained some things to them and that you needed to be born. They are your parents but so am I. Your mother gave me permission to occupy her body so that you could be conceived. I stayed with her through the pregnancy and the birth, as that was the only way she could survive it,” Mari explained, making sure to keep her tone soft, and gentle.

Maria’s mind was already piecing things together as Mari spoke. The prior dreams she had made more sense now. She was also curious how much her uncle and John knew, “I don’t have natural talent, do I?” she finally asked, looking down at the sand.

Mari sighed, feeling for the girl, “No. I’m sorry. It’s because of what you are.”

She closed her eyes and sighed again, “What exactly am I?” she asked.

“You’re an anomaly, Maria. You aren’t an Angel, or a Nephilim, or a God, but you’re capable of more than all of them, through my guidance. You have a destiny. I spent years, looking through the timelines and the possibilities of outcomes. The only one where things didn’t end horribly was the one with you. There was only one where you existed.” Mari explained, taking a couple of steps closer to her. 

Maria frowned, “That helps but it isn’t very specific. How am I supposed to keep things from ending horribly? When?” she asked, looking up at her. She was still attempting to come to terms with the fact that an angel was also one of her parents. 

Mari went and sat next to her on the rock, wanting to comfort her but also not wanting to push too much too soon, “Those boys, the Winchester brothers. They’re important and they’re being used by something very powerful. I want you to always trust that uneasy feeling you get. It saved Jess’s life this time.” she told her gently, yet proudly.

Maria looked over at her for a moment, thinking. She had so many questions but had no idea where to start now, “What do you mean, I’m an anomaly? And, how come none of my powers have surfaced?” she asked when she finally decided on something.

She smiled a little, “Normally an angel doesn’t choose a vessel of a woman, and then stay to get pregnant, let alone stay through the birth. Because I did that, it made you more than just a Nephilim. As for your powers, I put a block on them, just before you were born. I knew what could happen if I didn’t and you needed to be born. The older you got though, the more you taught yourself things, some of your powers came through. Small ones. Being able to sense others or monsters and even people. That natural talent of yours, it’s a power. That unique way you piece information together. You can master anything you put your mind to. You almost let another come out, being able to feel the emotions of others. I saw that one with Dean when you were a teenager. I also saw how you turned it off too,” Mari told her, proudly.

“So, what happens next? I mean…,” she trailed off, looking back down at the sand and sighed, “I’ve read that book, cover to cover, a few times now. Are angels really dicks? Will they really want to kill me? How do I keep myself safe when I start using my powers?” Maria blurted out, unable to pick just one question.

“Slow down,” Mari chuckled, “Because you chose to learn, there are already new passages in the book with answers to how to keep you safe and hidden. Yes, angels really are dicks. They don’t truly understand humanity or human emotions. The ones that have tried, like Metatron, twist it and it ends up making them worse in the long run. There will be one though, that will end up being an ally when he finally follows his own curiosity. He’s always been a curious angel. As for them wanting to kill you, yes, they will try if they find you,” she explained, sympathetically, “The bunker though, will help protect you, and your family.”

Maria took it all in the best she could. It was a lot for sure and she knew they hadn’t even really scratched the surface on things. She took a few deep breaths, keeping herself calm before she looked over at Mari again, “How do I use my powers and what are they?” 

“It’s fairly simple once you get the hang of it. If you think it, it can happen, when you master the idea of your powers. The book has a detailed chapter now on it. You can choose to practice here, in your dreams with me, or while you are awake. Because you chose the truth, the block I put on your powers is gone. They’ll grow with your knowledge. Mind your emotions though. Because you have human parents, your emotions can trigger horrible events if your anger gets out of control. It’s why the book went dormant while you were after Azazel,” Mari explained, again, sympathetically. 

She looked down at the ground, “Yeah, that was a really, really rough time. Will I dream every night I read the book now?” Maria asked quietly.

“No. If you want to dream like this, just read the line at the end of the book now, on the last page,” Mari answered.

That was a little comforting, knowing she could read the book as much as she wanted to now and wouldn’t get thrown into this dream again if she didn’t want to. Maria pursed her lips before looking back over Mari, “Can I tell my family?” she asked, worried.

Mari smiled softly at her, “That is up to you. Bobby knows everything. John knows some, but the brothers don’t know anything. You’re part of their family. I don’t see why it wouldn’t be okay.”

She thought about that and wondered how Dean, Sam, and Jess would react to this sort of news, then chuckled a little, “I could see things going at least in an interesting way. I was wondering, you said angels were dicks and didn’t understand humans. How come you aren’t like that?” Maria asked her curiously.

“Do you remember your first dream? I didn’t share much with you then, so as not to overload your mind. I am the first angel, stronger than the rest, not as strong as God though. I spent time on Earth with humans, throughout their evolution. Back from when they were living in caves until now. Being God’s first angel, I have other powers. That one, where you can feel other’s emotions, so can I. Humans are unique and precious. I guess you could say that I gained humanity over the centuries,” Mari smiled.

“Are there other angels on Earth?” she asked her, furrowing her brow in curiosity.

“Some, yes, but not many at all. Most of them are in heaven, doing their jobs. Do you remember that white place you visited in your dream when you were little? That is heaven, at least as it is now,” Mari explained, then sighed and looked away from her, “There is a lot that is wrong with heaven, the angels, and even with God. I’ll save that for another time though. Work on your powers and learn how to use and control them.”

Maria wasn’t liking the unspoken things. It was clear that Mari was leaving things out on purpose and only giving her enough tidbits to push her to learn more, “I’m not a kid anymore. I can handle it.”

Mari gave her a soft smile, “It’s time for you to wake up now,” she told her, then placed two fingers on Maria’s forehead.

-----------------------------------------

Her room was dark as her eyes opened, “Cheater,” she mumbled before she glanced at her clock, eight after seven.

She wasn’t tired, even having been so active in her dream, something she noticed as she got dressed. Her mind was swimming with everything Mari had told her while she walked to the kitchen for coffee, not paying attention to anything around her. She leaned against the counter as the coffee brewed, her gaze on the floor, but she was replaying what had happened in her dream. 

“Morning Sis,” Sam told her as he walked over to the cabinet and grabbed a cup for coffee.

She took a deep breath, only slightly startled, and looked over at him, “Morning little brother,” then she chuckled because he was ten inches taller than her.

Sam laughed a little, “Only in age now Sis. How are you doing this morning?” he asked, pouring them both a cup of coffee.

“Well, funny you should ask that,” she mused, before taking her cup and glancing up at him, “Figured out why I can read that book and you can’t.” She figured she might as well tell them. Mari had made a point, they were her family.

“Oh? Why’s that?” he asked her, fairly curiously.

“Don’t freak out?” she asked, giving him a half smile.

“Okay?” he half replied, half questioned.

She bit her bottom lip, a little nervously and looked down at the floor, “Um, it’s written in Enochian, the tongue of angels,” she told him, only slightly nervous.

It took a couple of moments for him to fully process what she had said, “So, you’re an angel or you can just read angel?” he asked, tilting his head, more confused than before.

Maria sipped her coffee, thinking of how to answer, “Have you heard of an angel called Zamariel, the first angel?” she asked him.

“Let’s sit down,” Sam half chuckled as he did what he suggested, “Sounds like you’ve got quite the story.”

She sighed and sat across from him, paying more attention to the coffee in her cup than his expression. She was trying to figure out where to even start, “I’m not exactly an angel but I can read their language,”

Maria proceeded to tell Sam about the book and her dreams, even the things that happened to her when she was a kid and teenager. Sam sat quietly, sipping his coffee, and listening, blown away by her revelation. He was at a loss for words through most of it, especially when she shared that his father knew at least some of it. She had barely drank her coffee while she spoke, although Sam had finished his, but hadn’t wanted to move to get more. When she finished, she glanced up at him before looking back down at her cup. There was a long silence before he finally spoke.

“Just… umm… WOW! So, you’re supposed to stop something horrible and something powerful is manipulating me and Dean,” he stated more than asked. He felt too many emotions all at once for any one specific to be dominant in his tone.

“So, you don’t think I’m some kind of freak then?” she asked quietly, it had been her biggest worry, being abandoned by her family.

“Dear God Sis, no,” he told her sympathetically and sincerely.

She let out a sigh of relief, a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding, “Now I just have to tell Jess and… Dean,” she frowned at saying his name and the worry that came with it.

Sam sighed, understanding her concern, “Jess should be fine with it. I’m pretty sure Dean will too. It might take him some time to wrap his head around it all, but he should be fine,” he tried to reassure her, and himself.

“Morning,” Jess said happily as she entered the kitchen, got coffee, and sat next to Sam.

He smiled at her and kissed her when she sat down. Maria got up though, getting her and Sam another cup of coffee before sitting back across from him. 

“How come you two look so serious this morning?” she asked, still smiling, but also concerned.

“Long story Jess,” Sam told her.

Maria figured it would be easier to tell them one at a time. It also allowed her to say it all out loud, which helped her piece little things together, “Do you want time to wake up more… or you just want me to tell you?” she asked Jess, finally looking up at her, worry the only emotion in her expression.

Jess looked over at her, her smile fading, replaced with concern for her friend, “I’m awake enough. What’s wrong?” she asked.

So again, Maria told her everything she told Sam. It helped her piece some things together in her mind, things Mari hadn’t said but had only hinted around in her dream. It was how Mari had said, ‘mastering the idea of her powers’, almost like mastering the idea of breathing. She kept that to herself for now though, knowing she’d need to read the book to get the last pieces she needed.

Before Jess could even say anything, Dean walked into the kitchen, “Looks like you’re all having fun,” he joked as he got himself some coffee.

Maria looked down at the table, turning her head a bit so that he couldn’t see her whole face. He was the one she was most worried about, even if he was being nicer to her now, for whatever reason that was. When Dean noticed how she moved, his smile faded, worried he’d said something wrong.

“I was only joking,” he told them, more Maria than the other two, as soft as he could manage first thing in the morning.

Sam and Jess looked at Dean, then at Maria, “It’s been insightful,” Sam said, trying to lighten things up.

Dean sat down at the end of the table, leaning back in his chair. He eyed Maria for a moment, debating his next words before he looked over at Sam. He knew if he said something cocky, she’d freeze up or put up that hard shell and he didn’t want that, “I’d love to hear about it.”

He could see the worry in her expression, the way she moved her lips, the fear in her eyes. Whatever it was, he knew it was affecting her or had to do with her. She wasn’t afraid of anything, or at least he’d never see her be afraid, not like this. He’d been with his father when John had found William’s body, so he’d missed the one time in her life she’d truly been afraid.

Sam looked over at Maria, as did Jess, “We’re here for you Sis. It’ll be okay,” he told her softly.

Maria took a deep breath and slowly told Dean what she’d told Sam and Jess. She never looked over at him, focusing only on the coffee in her cup in front of her. She didn’t want to see him look at her like a freak or worse like he might hate her because she wasn’t human. Because of this, she didn’t see the worry he had for her, the concern, the yearning to just hold her. It took everything in him to just sit there and listen. She looked so alone, and he didn’t want her to feel that way. To him, she was family, just as much as Jess had become in the short week she’d lived with them. He saw how she refused to let her tears fall, how her lips moved when she spoke. He listened, but he was also taking in all of her.

“Say something…” she quietly told him.

Dean hadn’t realized that she had not only finished but was waiting for something from him. He wasn’t stupid though, and knew that whatever came out of his mouth next was going to either heal her or break her, “I think it’s kinda cool, having powers ‘an all,” he finally told her with a happy smirk.

Maria furrowed her brow for a moment, slightly puzzled before she looked over at him. He didn’t look like he hated her at least but she hadn’t expected him to say that it was cool either, “That’s it?” she asked, confused.

“Well, there were all kinds of jokes that went through my head, to be honest. I just figured that now wasn’t the time for them,” he told her sincerely, wanting her to smile, at least a little.

His words did make a small smile of relief and happiness tug at the corner of her lips. She couldn’t help it, and she looked down at her coffee, feeling a little shy with the way he looked at her, “I still don’t understand why you’re being so nice but… I appreciate it,” she replied quietly, but softly.

Sam and Jess were both relieved with how Dean had responded. They knew it could have gone horribly, had Dean said the wrong thing, knowing how vulnerable Maria was right now. Dean was smiling now though, seeing Maria light up, even if it was just a little.

“So… who’s hungry?” Dean finally asked, deciding to change the topic. 

“Subtle Dean, real subtle,” Sam said annoyed.

“I am kinda hungry,” Maria said quietly with a small smile, still looking at the coffee in her cup.

Dean gave his brother a haha look before he got up, deciding that eggs, bacon, and toast were simple but knew she’d enjoy it, “So am I cooking for just me ‘an her, or did you two want some as well?” he asked his brother and Jess without looking over at them.

Maria chuckled a little, finding his remark a bit humorous. Before she might have gotten annoyed but with how things had changed, she was warming up to how he joked around. 

“I’m hungry,” Jess pipped in with a smile.

“Yeah, I’ll have some too,” Sam sighed.

The whole feel of the atmosphere seemed to change for Maria after telling them but mostly after she’d told Dean. She knew he could have said so many things, most of which would have cut deep. He’d been sweet though, and the thought of that made her smile a little again. Dean was smiling as he cooked, proud of himself for managing to control his mouth. He’d wanted to joke around with her so badly with what she’d said but decided there was plenty of time for that later or another day entirely. 

Dean served her first, unable to not smirk as he looked into her eyes, seeing her look up at him while he placed her plate in front of her. God, he wanted to kiss her and had to quickly move away to make Sam and Jess’s eggs, taking a deep breath. He didn’t see her any differently, not in a bad way. He just found her more alluring than before. Jess giggled at the little interaction. Her experience around college guys had taught her a lot about the insight into men. She whispered something in Sam’s ear, making him chuckle. Dean shot him a glare before he went back to cooking, only making Sam chuckle again.

“This is really good Dean, thanks,” Maria told him, making the tips of his ears blush a bit with her compliment.

He coughed, trying to clear his throat, “Uh, thanks, Sweetheart,” he replied, remembering she had told him the day before that she didn’t mind that anymore.

Sam raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to go off on him, but she didn’t. She just smiled a little more. That wasn’t lost on Jess either, who had even higher hopes for the two. 

They ate mostly in silence, but it wasn’t awkward, it was welcomed. It was Jess’s turn to do the cleanup, so after breakfast, Maria excused herself to her room. She needed to do some reading. Dean watched her go, fighting internally about following her. He had so many questions but hadn’t wanted to ask them in front of Jess or Sam. Before he could get up though, his phone rang. John was checking in with them.

Dean put his phone on speaker, setting it in the middle of the table, “How’s it going, Dad? You’re on speaker.”

“We’ve got the Colt. Bobby and I are on our way back. How’s Maria doing?” John replied.

“She’s better. Dean helped her fix up her room,” Jess told him.

“I’m glad she’s better. We should be back tomorrow morning, depending on traffic. Bobby and I are gonna switch off driving and sleeping so we can get back as soon as we can,” John explained.

“Dad, when you guys get back, Maria does have news though, and you’ll want to hear it,” Sam told him, getting an annoyed look from Dean.

“She said yes, didn’t she?” Bobby hollered from the driver’s seat so they could hear him.

The three shared a look before Dean answered, “Yeah, she did,” he replied, not sure what else to say.

“I’ll fill John in on the drive,” Bobby stated before John hung up.

----------------------------------------- Chapter 19 Pt. 2 - You Had Me At Apple Pie

Tag List: @deans-spinster-witch @kazsrm67

Link to the master list for this story.

A/N: To my readers - If you could ask Zamariel anything, what would you ask her if you were Maria? Leave me a comment. She will show up in future chapters and you can put more than one question for her. Let me know.

[chiveburger]

Hi Candice! I’ve been following you for ages now so it felt like in some way, we were navigating through life side by side but now I’ve gotten to my late twenties and….its not what I really expected. I hope this doesn’t make hard moments you’ve already gone through reopen and if it does I completely understand why you wouldn’t answer this but…how did you go about being unemployed for awhile? I’m starting to struggle mentally and I just need some sort of real guidance or words. My mom isn’t really making it easy either and I don’t expect it from her but it feels like she wants me to feel these negative emotions that are naturally connected to being jobless which kind of adds to my already pent up pressure I put on myself but yeah…Apart from that, I’m glad you still post and your vlogs are so cute. You’re like sunshine!

I'm very honored that you have followed me for so long, and feel open enough to ask me this question. I definitely look back at the time when I was unemployed, and actively avoiding the job market as something that was necessary to me as an individual. I'm sure you already know, but the novelty of not having a structure routine and not getting paid wears off quickly and it's very easy to delve into depression or negative emotions when times goes by. I stopped working for 2 years during covid, and when I started applying and looking again it was a very daunting hill to climb. I would feel dejected if I didn't get a job, but also conflicted when I did get an interview for something I felt overqualified for. I was stuck in this slump where I had things I wanted to do but not enough credentials. at the same time I wasn't putting enough time into my "hobbies" to really make it a career.

the first piece of advice I can give you, albeit tacky, is that you are absolutely not alone. the emotions you're feeling are justified, and it's not an easy place to be without a solid foundation of support both emotionally and financially. two little quotes that continues to help me through difficult periods of time is that "life is fluid" and "nothing you do is ever in vain." we're not always where we want to be, doing what we want to do, but things can change and things will get better. your life is not defined by the time that you're unemployed, and while it's hard to envision your future amidst darkness, the darkest hour is just before dawn. all the steps you're taking and decide to take will lead you to different opportunities and experiences, regardless of them being good or bad I implore you to reach out and try, no matter how scary because you'll never know what road it'll take you.

sometimes you are met with harsh words and critique about your choices but I look back on the ones that came from those who love me and wish better for me, and I thank them for not just consoling me but pulling me out of the hole I was stuck in. my best friend told me that she didn't want me to look back in regret, and to wait for an outcome I wasn't actively putting energy to. she told me to go home and write down what I wanted to do, curate a plan, and to do something everyday even if it was small. ultimately, it took a long time for me to open up to the idea of working again and I made a lot of excuses not to. I took up an offer for my current job close to 2 years ago without any expectations, and I've accomplished much more than I could've imagined. I know what path I want to take and how to get there, and I have a lot of people who believed in me, who praised me, who supported me to thank. In return, I can be the one to believe in you, to praise you, and to support you in your journey too.

I've been in the exact position that you're in and it's very hard, and there are many times where you'll feel very bad but please remember there will always be second chances, third chances, fourth chances. don't be afraid to apply to places outside of your comfort zone, and know that everytime you get rejected it's okay to feel defeated and unhappy. even the bad experiences will potentially lead you to the right people and the right place. so, don't give up because doors will always open for you, even the ones that are locked.

[dnd-smash-pass-vs]

I'm going to be brave (on anon lol) and give the Neogi a little bulwark of defense- the whole master/slave dynamic is clearly a problem of actual literal conceptualization and alien morality, rather than a cultural or personal failing. I'd argue that there's way more morally suspect beings that have made it past muster on this blog; just a little bit before the Neogi poll the Nightwalker got a landslide yes and it's explicitly sadistic and malicious, implying it fully understands the implications of the harm it causes and enjoys it anyway (other guys like demons and devil, drow, and chromatic dragons usually fall into that pot too). So don't write off the Neogi just because of a disgust response based on fundamental cognitive differences.

That being said, it looks like the way they reproduce is by injecting a substance that causes another Neogi to become bloated and uninterested in anything but food while they get eggs laid in them. And the hatching Neoglings burst out and immediately eat the "mom". So it's still gonna be a no from me dawg, lol.

cw: body horror Now disclaimer. I understand that was just a little defense against my onslaught. A "they're bad, but others are just as bad and not getting the harsh treatment." I know you don't think their beliefs are good or anything. Just want to state that first so others don't go wild, given this is the "piss on the poor" reading comprehension website. That said, a long rebuttal for a long ask.

Yes they have an alien mindset. As do elementals, many demons, insectoid races, etc. But It's still a moral failing even if it's the root of the moral system that's the failure. These are still fully intelligent creatures, and every book that any of them are in goes out of its way to talk about how literally everything in the multiverse hates them. I get they just don't see anything else as people really, but it doesn't take the edge off for me. Others get by through a combination of having plenty of examples who are different, people who just see the picture without reading, and people who see murderers as less bad than slavers. Neogi are such hard passes because it took divine intervention to create a counter example, far fewer people are just slamming smash without reading, and there being no situation where slavery is justified. Loving pain and murder is frankly mundane in the world of monsters. and little more than quirky in the world of adventurers. You kinda accepted that at the prompt. But loving slavery is one of the reddest flags you can get, and hits a biiiiit too close to home.

And yeah, that post was long enough, I just figured the explosive parasitism was overkill. HOWVER I'd argue that since it's a separate process it wouldn't actually be necessary to mate, it's more of a drug they shove inside first to keep the host easy to work with. It's similar to the real-world insects who do this- the poison isn't part of the mating, it's prep to make sure they don't smash the eggs. Besides, reproduction isn't usually considered when people are thinking "smash or pass." It's typically the outcome people are looking to avoid tbh. Besides, there's a lot more to smashing than 1 particular hole. I actually know that's the least important part for many.

[zombeebunnie]

Game development Trembling Essence update:

Hello and welcome new followers, it's been a while but I am here with another update! :]

Firstly, I just want to keep things transparent and catch people up to date for those that might not of seen my previous explanation for this delay and/or are new here.

I was very hesitant on making any new update posts because I wanted my original play tester who's been here since the beginning to look at everything first so I patiently waited. I didn't want to give out false expectations and add bunch of new content/concepts in update posts only to take it out or change it entirely if I couldn't make it work. In the end, my original play tester just couldn't make it so I recently asked someone else. Everything went really well, I had a lot of fun with how they played the game and they were very understanding. Their feedback really helped me when I needed it and I learned a lot from this experience, I am never waiting like that ever again. :]

Anywho, here's how things have been going as far as game development goes:

In my last update post, I was talking about a certain goal point I wanted to achieve and the game got a pretty big update!

I finished all of the morning settings/routes that now lead into day 4, this took a lot of writing and time. There is one specific route that I'm fixing because when my new play tester and I played it straightforward twice, it took a very long time to get through and we still weren't done before we took a break. :,]

There were two new paths that I also finished during all of this. For the first one, I decided to push it later into the game due to certain events happening too early and the second one is an ending which is slightly hidden somewhere. :]

All that'll be needed is minor adjusting, etc because the variables need to line up correctly since some routes can have different outcomes. I'm up for this challenge but it's going to take time to organize.

Here are some of things I fixed along the way:

Slight adjustment to an ending that required a certain trigger

Adjusted certain visual effects happening to early

Cleaned up various grammar mistakes

Fixed certain routes jumping into other routes

Minor fix to backgrounds appearing at the wrong time of day

Adjusted the volume of different background SFX's / Music

Here's one of several things you can eat in the game, can't survive on an empty stomach after all! :]

When it comes to CG's that involve food, my style approach will be a bit different. I was originally going to do realism but those take a very long time to do and after the first few, I got pretty burnt out from them.

Along with that, sometimes you might find things that will aid you along the way! This key is just an example, I don't want to show the other items just yet. :]

I'm also still testing this but I thought about adding a visual effect that appears on your screen when something is causing you to rapidly lose health(?) It's not in full effect right now, just brainstorming it.

Lastly, another thing that's kind of been on my mind once I looked through the routes again is how long they are, I'm not sure how people feel about long visual novels since I consider this one to be a slow burn game. I don't want you to feel as though you have to skip through a lot of the dialog unless you've already seen it, I want it to be fun and not feel like it's dragging on. I really would like to hear people's thoughts on this because I honestly don't know.

I think I reached the max I can type here so I'll post the rest in the following update post next week but overall,

Thank you guys for being patient and understanding. I wholeheartedly appreciate the support and encouragement! :]

[fincalinde]

For divergences, I'd love to hear your thoughts on scenarios where JGY gets away (and maybe comes back?)

Oh sure! This is something I've thought about a lot actually.

Part I: Run, Baby, Run

By all appearances JGY was intending to flee with SMS, a good chunk of his own loyal disciples, and the body of his mother. He was not planning to escape with his little bindle on a little rowboat and go solo. So we do need to consider two basic scenarios: a JGY who escapes with all the trappings (less MS), and a JGY who has to flee alone because his escape plan has gone that badly.

Let's say JGY's escape plan goes off more or less without a hitch in that he has a good cohort of disciples and some material means at his disposal. In theory it would not be particularly difficult for him to establish himself in Dongying even if he would have to be very careful in terms of what rumours might cross the sea about him and how he can play that. It's possible he'd use an alias, but he's got quite a lot of distinguishing characteristics (nationality, physical appearance) so I think it would be easier for him to sell a story of persecution.

His problem is that whatever the plan (and remember he's had to put this together within the space of a few days, though he has probably always had an escape hatch in mind), his last minute Burial Mounds scheme failed and the other clans are not decimated and too busy with their own problems to pursue him. They are intact and they are righteously outraged. Whether JGY has his disciples and his resources as planned, or whether he only has Hensheng and the clothes on his back, he has to keep running because the other clans are going to hunt him to the ends of the earth.

And yes, I do think LXC is going to be leading that hunt. He wants the full story and he wants to make sure justice is done if he was indeed wrong about JGY's character. Plus, of course, his very personal stakes in wanting to see JGY again. So I see this as a sort of race to catch JGY, with one of two outcomes: LXC gets there first, or JGY realises LXC is not going to get there first so he throws himself on LXC's mercy as a gambit.

Either way, Xiyao get their chance to really hash it out and LXC will get all of his answers and if not infinite time then more time to consider the full story (which, given the amount of information he has likely received at the temple, he has also had time to think about while on the hunt). LXC ends up in an impossible position but I don't see him turning JGY in. I can see LXC doing that and following through with the consequences (i.e. execution) immediately post-temple when he's still shell-shocked and there are others around to take over and limit his power to influence the outcome, but when the decision truly rests in his hands I do not believe he would kill JGY. Remember it took a lie from NHS in the immediate aftermath of the revelations to get him to do it in canon.

I think Xiyao would fake LXC killing JGY and part ways—LXC to go home and JGY to parts unknown. And I think they would both say all the right things about this being their final meeting. But I don't think either of them would believe that, and neither do I.

Part II: I'm Back, Baby

Of course JGY will come back. He wants to live so he had to run away, just as at other times he's had to flee or submit in order to survive, but it's always in the moment and he always keeps his eyes on the prize. So his comeback, to me, depends strongly on the state of the jianghu, which he absolutely will be monitoring from afar. And I'm sure he will also be planning various ways he can discredit the revelations about him and find another target. Like, oh, say, NHS?

It might take a long time, but in canon we get a good look at the state of affairs after JGY's death, and with JGY living in exile there wouldn't be a huge difference. The Nie are on the rise, the Jiang are trying to hold the Jin together, and the Lan are destabilised. Once the big hunt for JGY is over things will certainly settle down into the new, worse status quo under the auspices of NHS.

If JGY is out there alive somewhere, NHS has a very big problem. If JGY is alive out there and NHS thinks he is dead, NHS has an even bigger problem in that NHS himself is going to be dead within the near future at the hand of the assassins JGY sends after him. While I'm sure JGY would in theory enjoy taking NHS out personally, his pattern generally is to use third parties when it is safer and more effective. Maybe NHS suspects or believes JGY is still out there, but the only reason he was able to outplay JGY in canon is because JGY didn't even know there was a game going on. A JGY alert to NHS' true nature and intentions is a JGY who is going to outclass him.

So the way I see it, sooner or later NHS is gone and sooner or later the jianghu is in some kind of crisis that the mostly-weakened great clans cannot overcome and/or stabilise off their own backs. JGY's peaceful and prosperous reign is going to start looking better in hindsight. Maybe all that stuff they heard about him wasn't true? Yeah he married his sister but it sounds like it was an accident, and there were certainly fewer monsters and corpses wandering the countryside. Over time it is absolutely possible to shift the narrative—look what happens to WWX! He is still widely feared but he no longer has the entire population out for his blood. JGY is far more adept at playing the game than WWX and is more than capable of engineering a comeback once the stars align.

I like to imagine JGY showing up to rescue a jianghu in crisis, perhaps with cultivators at his back to win some crucial battle or take out some existential threat. He has his foot in the door and he can go from there. The SLYs of the world have no shame about retconning their own opinions, so he'll be fine there. I just like thinking about the moment when he and LXC lay eyes on each other again.

[tennythemany]

The Talk

Alright I've been dodging the topic for months now, and I did make this tumblr account to vent it out, but let's talk about why I've stopped posting on the tenpenny account

• Burnout, Identity, Elves vs Ducks

The slow but insidious reason. I've been gposing for about 2 years when I stopped in Feb, and I've been rummaging through my glam dresser everyday to make new outfits for my Elezen. It's what I started gposing for (making cute elf glams), and why I continue to play the game.

But sometime in 2022, that changed. Tried anam for the first time. Started making my own poses. Then I got a hit post. I saw more likes and views. I saw growth, and then I got ambitious. I tried making bigger posts, I read tutorials, I leveraged on my years of knowledge on memes, and I. Made. Memes. That's when things really took off.

That's also around the time I started noticing something. If I put the duck in my posts, I'd get more likes on that post. The duck became a recurring character in my posts. But then people started caring more about the duck than the elf, replies became more about the duck, and that was something I *really* didn't want. People wanted to see the duck. I put it in when I was having a hard time coming up with new ideas. Watch the duck post get more likes than the elf posts. Watch my heart sink.

While gposing would never not be fun for me, at some point I felt like I was posting more for likes than for myself. That feeling never really went away, and so it stayed long past Feb 2023

• The GShade incident

Y'all may remember a little incident at the start of 2023 that got the ffxiv community very plus not-good mad. Not going into details, but a small outcome of that incident resulted in some tangentially related creators to be lumped into that mess.

People wanted blood, and the creators basically got cancelled out of existence along with GShade's creator. Somewhere in that firing line, someone I supported and admired was targeted, and through some *very* shallow accusations, they were hit too.

(And no, I won't be naming anyone)

That event made me realize two very important things:

Years of goodwill and hard work can be undone in a single week if people believe you to be evil

I fucking hate X (formerly twitter)

So that was it. I didn't want to continuing doing something that can forever undermine my work in the heat of the moment, and I've developed a newfound hate for twitter and the mob justice the site perpetuated.

So I left.

(But just the main account, I do whatever I want on Tenny)

• Making a joke is hard when you're sad

So most of you might know me for my memes. A large part of me is driven by the positive reception you've given me, and I'll be eternally grateful for all your support, but that changed when all the above happened.

I've been agonizing over how I feel about all this, and scrolling through X (formerly twitter) just made me feel worse. I couldn't wring a good joke out of me. I couldn't make other people laugh when I couldn't make myself laugh. I didn't *want* to make when some of the people involved were my followers either.

So I stopped.

• The ever creeping shadow of age

I'm 34 this year. I've spent a lot of time on FFXIV, and to be honest, not much else. I don't have a significant other, and I don't do anything but play video games and occasionally hang out with friends for tabletop games. I've got a few projects outside of gposing, but they've been dead in the water for years.

Gposing and making memes take time. It's about 2-3 hours on average to make one, and that's if I already have a set piece ready. It's another hour to look around locations in-game, or who knows how many hours if I'm building my own. Because of work, that sometimes means I have to gpose late at night. Because of gaming, that means I *always* have to gpose late at night. I've been gposing late till 1-3am consistently in 2022, and my sleep schedule is all out of whack because of it.

I *really* don't want gposing to be my legacy.

Gposing comes to me at an opportunity cost. I've still got a few good years left in me, but at some point I need to start thinking about what I want to do, be it saving for retirement, pursuing a passion I've been putting off, or just any plan for the future at all. Maybe I'll finally put my gamedev knowledge to use, maybe I'll delve into the VR scene, maybe I'll learn how to make videos like the young me always wanted to.

But that meant I need to put less time into gposing.

So, the events of the points above was a good opportunity for me to suspend my activities and give myself some time to think about what I want to do in the future. It was clear I needed a break, and I needed a clear head to think things through. Come up with my five-year plan, so to speak. I'm thinking hard about what I want to do in the future.

I'm thinking real hard.

*Real* hard.

(Don't look at my playtime for Armored Core 6)

• Wow, video games are becoming really fun

I don't doubt ffxiv will be my forever game, and I'm glad YoshiP and team have made it so you don't have to play everyday, but holy hell have you seen how many good games have come out over the last 6 years I can't be playing ffxiv all the time you can't make me

Ehem.

Before gposing, video games will always be my main hobby. I have a vested interest in where video games are going, and ho boy are they getting interesting. I can't keep up with all the new terms we're coming up for them, from systemic games to survivor-likes, to Genshin clones being a thing. It's just an ever-changing landscape.

VR gaming is real, we're actually getting a full game from full-priced games, you don't even need to buy individual games anymore, you can play them on a game streaming service, and it's easier to make your own games now more than ever.

Just, wow.

I'd really like to experience all that for myself, so for the past 7 months, I've been playing other games.

A *lot* of other games.

And the biggest thing I've learned through all that is there's a vast and much wider world out there than just the ffxiv community and oh my god what the fuck is the gaming community outside of ffxiv why is it so toxic i can't even-

I'll still be playing ffxiv. Just a lot less. Some things are just irreplacable, y'know?

So there, if you've been wondering where I've been (or where all the memes are), that's the long and long of it. Thanks for reading, and I hope that gives you a sense of where I'm at. Hopefully that covers everything, so-

• CRIPPLING IMPOSTOR SYNDROME

Oh yeah, that.

Wow, I don't know how to tell you guys this, but I am inside a self-deprecating piece of shit who when exposed to other people's work would inadvertently compare myself to them and conclude that "wow, I'm garbage".

It's no secret that I have had no formal art training, or even photography training, or even gposing training if that's a thing, a lot of what I do is self-taught. Just years of trial and error, and mimicking scenes from shows or comic panels I've seen, but I don't have any technical knowledge to know if a picture is 'right' or not. Color theory is completely alien to me before I started learning about them, I was gposing with a blue light filter so everything looked yellow on my end. I don't use mods, so I had to rely on the default models for everything I do. Let's not even talk about photoshop.

And over the years, I've been looking for gpose communities to share my work and see what other people are cooking up. I see it all. Better composition, better colors, better post processing, better poses, better backgrounds, better editing, better...everything. In my mind, everything just looks better than anything I could have done. I know I shouldn't let that get to me, but, y'know

So part of me wanted a smaller audience, somewhere I could curl up in without needing to think to myself 'oh god 3000 people are going to see this post' and think insane things like 'this isn't a 100-likes post' or whatnot. Creator thoughts. Insane thoughts. It was driving me insane.

Some part of me just wanted to post elves. The other part wouldn't 'just' let me post elves. It had to live up to what I've done before, it had to be perfect.

Now I just want to post elves.

• Final (fantasy) thoughts

So barring that last point, that's the thick and thin of it. If you read this far, then wow maybe my composition skills haven't fallen off a cliff just yet. Thank you for reading my jumbled stream of consciousness, and while Tenpenny might not be around anymore, Tenny's always around to talk about elves.

This is me, this post is about why Tenpenny is dead, and this is why I've stepped away from making memes regularly, and content creation in general.

Elezen cute.

.

.

.

Also FUCK the X (formerly Twitter) word limit, I've always hated it omg

[lutawolf]

Hey Luta! (Is it ok for me to call you like this? I'm very very new and just found you three or so days ago. I saw one of your posts where you preferred to be greeted like this so I figured it would be finee)

First of all, I'm a minor, little less than 2 years shy of being an adult. I'm not sure if you would be comfortable responding to this. (many adults don't and I respect it).

I found you through the posts about your views on series such KP and LITA and others and I've taken a liking to your breakdowns of each relationship's d/s dynamics. Therefore, I want to ask for an advice for a personal matter regarding these d/s dynamics and relationships.

This is really longer that I expected it to. I apologise for taking your time for some immature teen friendship issue. Thank you.

I had a friend who I basically grew up with, we've been in the same class for 5-6 years in school and we use to be so close that we talked about anything and everything ranging from assignments from school to bdsm (this was a recent past two year development). We hit it off really great but soon she started becoming more and more possessive, didn't like me talking to others for a longer period of time, would sulk any time someone else would approach us when we were together, etc. Between the two of us, she was the one who had a more dominant personality and would prefer to take the reigns of the conversations and decisions about what was our next plan and all. For a long period of time, I let her do all those things, I didn't mind at all, she was respectful to the teachers, my parents and elders alike, she took responsibility of her actions, wasn't careless and even if she preferred to take control, she would also let me know beforehand and ask for my opinions (i was not great at talking at all or speaking up for myself) so she could see what would be the best possible outcome. I had even enjoyed her attention on me and actually did prefer for her to do all those things (as a middle child, at home, i had to step up and take responsibility because my siblings were always too 'old' or 'young' to do chores and run errands so i liked stepping back and letting her take the lead). However what I failed to notice was her sketchy reputation among the students, my friends had warned me repeatedly but i did not listen to them and so this went on until she and i formed a group with 3 other people. At first we got along really well but then she started getting jealous of another girl who i was close to in the group. I got tired of explaining to her all the time that she was my "best friend" while the other girl would just remain a normal friend. She started to sulk around, act all depressed even more that usual which made other people start whispering about us in class and everywhere and I hated that so much. My grades dropped to a new level i hadn't ever seen before. However I couldn't bring myself to be away from her. This continued on and she did some pretty shit thing to the people in the group we had formed out of jealousy which was really devastating for me. On one side i didn't want to leave the group because i loved my new friends a lot, they were like a breath of fresh air away from her. On the other hand i didn't want to leave her alone as she had been the one i had all this time and she was genuine about me and my concerns. Also, she didn't have anyone else despite being so social (as I mentioned other students were wary of her). Fast forward a few months she got a new friend so i finally found it in me to end our relationship.

Back in 2021, she reached out to me and we kind of reconciled. I, however, didn't want to be seen with her in school because literally everyone in the school knew what had went down between us (it was a very long drama) and i absolutely hated listening to their opinions so i made her stay at a distance and she agreed as she acted really desperate to be with me again. Morally, I shouldn't have agreed, I should've just kept the distance b/w us and it was pretty shitty thing of me to give her hope, after all she talked about me as if i was the centre of her life or something (in the words of others). And so our relationship went on and off until we grew very close again...this was last year in 2022(we didn't hide our relationship but we weren't too open with it too). Our conversations grew close and ultimately landed on bdsm. Now, we shouldn't have started talking about this but we could hardly keep things from each other, i had a habit of telling her everything i didn't dare tell my other friends. I trusted her on a whole another level. At one point we even talked about dating each other and we had lengthy talks about what our preferences were. She told me that if we were together, she would like me as her sub (and god, did that wake some feelings inside me. It was like finally getting (or hearing in this case) something that you were craving to hear for so long). As a 16 year old, i wouldn't dare talking about this to anyone else, but since it was her....(maybe at this age, i shouldn't even have these feelings and shouldn't even think in this direction). Anyways, we got pretty serious and even dated for awhile (i think so we did). However, all good things have to end, and i, couldn't keep myself in check. I started feeling guilty because all this time i was lying to my friends about her and i also kept her hanging (neither denying to be openly with her, nor agreeing). It soon got too much and i ended up ruining what we could have.

We haven't talked or seen each other in almost 5 months. We end up on pretty bad terms and she came to me twice to ask why i wanted to end this badly and each time i ran away. And hence school ended and we went to different schools for further studies.

It was somehow so abrupt and expected that I don't know where I stand right now. I feel guilty because it was my fault for ending it abruptly and each time i remember the crestfallen look on her face....

I want to reach out to her, say sorry and ask for her forgiveness because she didn't deserve it. But everytime I think of doing so, I'm reminded of what she did to my friends. It was really serious, I also feel guilty because I shouldn't have these feelings for her after what went down between them. I should stand rigidly beside my friends and I should hate her. I can't bring myself to hate her. Yeah, she didn't care for others like how I do, but she cared more than enough for me, she taught me things even what my parents neglected to tell me and i know her feelings for me were genuine no matter how she chose to show it. I'm so ashamed of myself. It is so selfish of me, honestly.

I don't know what to do? Should I reach out to her? Will she hate me? Will she make fun of me with her new friends? I really miss her, but sometimes I wonder if I only miss her because I crave that d/s dynamic from her that only she knew about. But then I miss her little notes in class where she wrote complicated poems to me, her random gift givings and i hate myself because I was never able to fully reciprocate what she did for me and somehow she didn't mind it. She used to come back from winning prizes from quizzes and Olympiads and would hand me the chocolates given as rewards and be like "for you." It was good while it had lasted.

My friends, me and her are all in different schools now. Two of my friends do go to the same school as her so i wonder if it would be right to message her.

Will it be selfish of me? Wanting something I shouldn't? And should I really message her? Is it ok? I don't know where i am going with this, it was really too abrupt. I had grown to depend on her and in these past 5 months, i can't coulnt how much I have thought of her.

I'm so sorry if this ended up wasting your time. Even if you don't end up responding, I feel a little lighter typing this all out. I really thank you for providing this space...this is the first time I am putting all my thoughts out and I don't feel too embarrassed to do so. Thank you.

Hey Nonnie!

Your greeting was perfect, and I appreciate it very much. Thank you.

I have a 17-year-old daughter who I'm very open with, so you are good. I'm also a mentor, though with that I'm a little bit more boxed in by rules. However, I feel that education should be tailored to fit the individual's intelligence and maturity. We have advanced classes for a reason, I don't know why we only apply that logic to classroom education.

This relationship is important to you. And years to come it will still shape you because whether we want to recognize it or not, the people who we interact with, especially friends, have a huge impact. I like to say that people are the paints that make up your unique painting. I felt this the most when thinking of names for my kids. I literally turned my nose up at many names because of remembered experiences. So when you think of it like that. Is it really that trivial.

Let me say that I'm super proud of you for recognizing your boundaries and finally standing up for them. However, your behavior afterward is deplorable. I'm just thankful that you see that. You're either friends with someone or you aren't. The excuses you gave for arms lengths means that you just shouldn't have reconciled because you weren't ready. However, you basically accepted the friendship and used it as an opportunity to get yours. Not cool. But it sounds you did some soul-searching and came to that epiphany yourself. Pretty impressive.

That said, leave her the fuck alone. You are addicted to the rush of BDSM and not mature enough for it. You apologize, you are gonna get drawn right back in. Just stop. Not to mention, apologizing to ease YOUR regret but with no solution and possibly more heartache is selfish of you. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's how I am.

I have a friend who is long from this earth. He murdered people. Yup, real life unalived several people. Other people hate him, and I don't blame them. I can fully recognize the awful things he did and know they are fully within their right to hate him. That said, he was there for me in a time when I was on the ground getting kicked at. I also understand more intimately than others how he became the way he did. So I don't hate him, but that doesn't mean that if I were alive, I'd be anywhere near him. Because I love myself enough to not put myself in those kinds of positions. I like Kinnporshe and Lita, but those are fictions, and we should recognize them as such. Boundaries must be much harder than what they portray.

You don't have to hate your friend. Emotions are too complex to make either gray or black. You have different experiences with your friend to shape your emotions that your other friends don't have. Not hating her doesn't mean you have to be friends with her, it just means you don't want to carry around that emotion. Love her and yourself enough to recognize that you two bring out the toxic in each other. Think of her, appreciate the good times you had, and when you happen to run into her, don't be an ass. Be authentic in your genuine happiness of seeing her, but don't push for a friendship. Be friendly associates, that occasionally see each other and don't hold animosity. Eventually, that will ease a part of you that's currently in turmoil. But let her go, for both you and her.

I would also take this time to develop yourself. You know yourself as a sub. And for other reading this and thinking of judging. You can ask all my friends on here, my daughter is the biggest brat and was born that way. I didn't push it on her, and I didn't even talk about BDSM until she was ready and started asking me questions. Because I would rather educate my child than someone else, we talked about it freely and openly. Her being a brat, just like her being a lesbian, is just her. All that to say, if you believe you're a sub. Take the time to learn yourself, by reading, not doing. Look at forums and read books. Learn your boundaries and be serious about them. That has to be done long before you even think of a D/s relationship.

Hope this was helpful. Wish you the best. 💜💜💜

[amywritesthings]

Hello! I love your writing style and I would love to know the whole process of how. Like how do you outline and do everything that comes with writing a chapter/story? The whole process basically, if it ain't too much trouble.

AHHH HELLO! It isn't trouble at all, sorry it took me a bit to get back to this. I really appreciate your kind words about my writing style. It's definitely the thing I'm most proud about as a skill, since I am also a writer in my day job!

My process is a little chaotic? I guess.

edit: this got long i'll put it under a read more, actually (w/a screenshot of my actual completed outline for a one shot!)

For new stories or new chapters, a scene that's usually mid-story will come to me out of nowhere, and I will build the story around that. I almost always exclusively write my work in bulletpoints before fleshing it out to actual (very short) paragraphs. I don't usually know the ending to fics that are beyond one shots. I tend to mold it as I understand my own characters and how they development way beyond my original concept, because I don't like pigeon-holing myself into one singular outcome.

Once I have the entire (or most of) the idea outlined, that's when I'll start going in between the bulletpoints and 'rough writing', which is literally just me pushing out anything I want. It doesn't have to make sense. It doesn't even have to sound good. My strength comes with editing after I see the structure written out before me, so my goal is to just get a general chapter/one shot done before I fine tune.

For long fics, I do this chapter by chapter. Sometimes I'll even jump to a chapter 3-5 ch from now and just blurt out a 600-word excerpt that comes to mind. Storytelling doesn't need to be linear, it just needs to be passionate and well-loved.

Then comes the real doozy, which is editing. That's when my real writing happens. I tend to be dialogue-heavy, so once I'm done my first round of edits... I read the entire thing out loud. I deepen my voice (ha) for all my guys I write. I even mumble my smut lines because if Din Djarin's dirty-talkin', I won't let that poor man sound like a moron in the sheets.

Then I format on AO3, copying & pasting to wordcounter.net as I make my last-minute edits so AO3 can't eat my stuff (bc that has happened before and oh it is pain) and post!

For funsies, I went back through my doc and found my entire holiday Nanami x Reader one shot outline for ya!

You can see that I kind of talk to myself through outlines (I'm my own best friend, yes I literally do this in all of my drafts of stories and they can get v unhinged) and I will also add dialogue that comes to mind while I'm outlining that I want to keep for the end story.

If you have any other questions, I don't mind chatting or if you wanna keep sending q's that is fine, too!