#dream just looks at it (i'm imagining him looking sleep deprived as all hell)

[dwtdog]

sapnap running to go show dream how he helped 😭❤️

'gotta go see if it's good enough 😊'

[pepsiiwho]

ROMANCE REAL!

I'm a heinous, devious multi-shipper and I always have been and always will be but for now I won't get into sleep's harem. Right now I'm just gonna word vomit about my two biggest Hypnos ships and what im thinking of writing for them with the information we have currently with the new teaser.

If you don't like Zagnos, Arenos or Hypnos getting some well deserved loving (in which case, you can fuck off now) then skip this one. If you'd like to avoid spoilers for my next possible wip (not that this is nearly coherent enough to explain anything I'll write) run away. Now.

Okay. Anyway. Hi true believers.

So, the dynamics of both ships are different to me fundementally but on the outside they look incredibly similar (I have a type). the basics being that Zagreus and Hypnos is more a will they/ won't they childhood friend romance with a twist of like "you stole my whole family and I resent you for that" and "you're the one person in this literal hell hole I can't just fix and it's driving me crazy". Initially Zagreus was like, the one constant nice, polite and understanding person Hypnos had in his corner. Because of like 3 lines of dialogue in the first game (of which I shan't even speak!) I fell out of love with the ship just because of how jarring and heart breaking it was. But I have love for them and have worked in tandem with cano, for once in my life, and can fix it all.

This was a long way to say, Zagnos exs. They dated and it was great. Very puppy love but after a point Hypnos got comfortable enough that he felt discontent with the fact his boyfriend was more beloved in his family then he was. They clash over it, Hypnos gets upset that zagreus gets THREE sets of families, HYP'S INCLUDED, while Hypnos can barely manage one on a good day and Zagreus just does NOT get it. Eventually they break up because they're just too different. Hypnos bows out, in his self-deprecating way, and they're done. Considering the second game, I think this happens shortly before Mel is born/ or conceived. One of the two because news/birth is a whirlwind that takes all of Zag's attention so they have a lot of unfinished business.

Obviously the titans attack only like a year or so after Mel is born and then everything goes to shit and my scene of the escape happens. At this point, Zagreus is still very in love with Hypnos— he never really stopped oops— but their time has run out and it's too late. He goes into the fray. Womp womp. We're caught up.

Arenos, on the other hand, was always an escape from the mess of the house and the family drama happening there. Hypnos the forgotten and unloved son paired up with Ares the forgotten and unloved son. They are very different yet have a shared loneliness no one else really gets? It helps Ares has his weird fixation on the chatonic gods and their entire lineage. So they meet at the post game dinner and Ares is instantly smitten and wants to wisk Hypnos away. This is, surprisingly, the significantly more affectionate and fluffier ship in my mind. He wants to adore his god and obsess over him as Hypnos deserves. Ares is a lover boy to me and Someone who's been deprived of such love his whole life needs someone who's too enthusiastic about his mere existence. Anyway, when the titans attack and Hypnos gets out with Mel, he loses contact with Olympus because they go off the grid and he's too weak to reach ares in his dreams or anything. Until Mel begins communication with her kin up top, Ares assumes Hypnos is dead. He is not normal about it. WOO!

Which brings us to now. The scene I have in mind is post game or like later in the game? In this idea Zagreus has been freed and olympians can come and go from the crossroads without alerting the enemy faction.

The concept for both ships is the same: X goes to crossroads and finds Hypnos sleeping, unwoken for (long period of time here) and unreachable. Im imagining the scene from Snow White. X walks up, ruminates on Hypnos and their past together and then kisses him before crumpling on his sleeping form, overcome with grief.

Naturally, the grief is different. Zagreus for lost love. For another thing lost to him through this conflict but due to his own negligence, not the Titan's whims. He chose to ostracize his love, he chose to ignore him when they were all of 30ft away from each other at any given time. His Hypnos, his sleep, who protected his little sister and (perhaps) helped guide his family to safety/defeat the titans whatever. The fates were as cruel as ever.

Ares, in my mind, would find Hypnos earlier. Before the titans are defeated fully. Seeing his lord sleep, his beloved, his heart and dreams left comatose and out of his reach enrages him. He has a new resolve coming out of the meeting, unable to do anything but wish for the utter decimation of any and all against him and the head of whoever put his love in this position.

The crossroad I'm at though (ha) is If true loves kiss can prevail... I love happy fluff good ends but tragedy is so lovely... Id love to hear other's thoughts as well. Feel free to send asks to continue the convo or reply ... or tags of course... sigh... they're so important. Also more Hypnos ships soon.. first on the block: Apollo and Hermes!

[seahorsepencils]

Further proof that the end montage is at least partially a Ted hallucination or dream: it takes place after Ted looks at the snow globe, which is likely a reference to the ending of St. Elsewhere (i.e. where it's implied the show was actually all something an autistic kid imagined while looking in a snow globe, a.k.a. the Tommy Westphall universe).

This is not to say that the whole show is in Ted's head - only what happens from when he shakes the snow globe to when he wakes up on the plane (holding the copy of How to Change Your Mind: The New Science of Psychedelics). For example:

Roy becoming the football team manager. Ted is the one who wanted Roy to be a coach in the first place, and I'm not convinced Roy would want to be a manager, or at least not so soon - this seems more like Ted is imagining someone stepping into his place.

Nate and Jamie having very positively framed moments with their dads. Both of those storylines were left in a gray area; the level of positivity in those interactions seems more a representation of what Ted wants with his father. Also, if we think of Ted as a quasi-father figure for both characters, this is another replacement narrative showing how he isn't needed.

Sam playing for the Nigerian team. We know this is a goal for him, but it's likely not something that would happen so soon. And probably something that Edwin Akufo would block from happening for the next few years. But the image supports Ted's own personal decision to identify his original country as "home" and to go back.

Trent changing the title of the book. It's not the Richmond way. It's the Lasso way; and Trent knows that more than anyone, so it's very unlikely he would take Ted's suggestion and change the title in real life. This is just Ted minimizing himself and what he was able to uniquely offer the team.

Roy starting therapy with Sharon at the football club. It seems unlikely that Sharon would settle down with a job in one place, when we've been told her tendency has been to jump from job to job. (Again, this might happen eventually, but not so soon.) The function of this scene in Ted's mind would be a further stretch of Roy becoming manager - replacing Ted in his job and then beginning a similar therapy journey with Sharon. (Also, Sharon is wearing the same shirt she wore when she first met Ted.)

The Stonehenge Beard wedding. Insane for all the reasons people have suggested, and specifically, Roy as Beard's best man. Another image of Ted being replaced by Roy.

This is not to say that some of the things can't have happened - it wouldn't be the first time the show has blurred the line between fact and reality, and "Beard After Hours" did this with some very heavy blurring. The final shot in the montage calls back to that episode, with the woman who gave Beard the pants and her partner appearing as two of the wedding guests.

I think Ted wants to stay - not only is he reading a book with the title How to Change Your Mind, but he literally asked Beard if they were making the wrong decision - giving Beard a clear opening to weigh in and say they should stay. He wanted to be convinced. But Beard, in his sleep-deprived state, shifted the focus of the conversation and made it about him leaving Ted, changing the "we" into a "me." So Ted went home by himself. But he still wants to change his mind (hopefully with some psychedelics), and deep down, he has to know that he's wrong and that everyone from Richmond loves him and wants him around. Or if he doesn't, Rebecca and Diamond Dogs are gonna show up in Kansas on her private plane a year later and ask him what the hell he's doing and when he's coming back.

[bluecookies02]

Shigaraki x Reader x Spinner

NSFW || minors do not interact

cw: poly relationship, threesome, reunion sex, spinner's monster cocks, trans(ftm)!shigaraki

A/N: this was a paid commission for a dear friend of mine! I'm sorry for many "pale/blushy" descriptions but they do be a blushy bottom🌸

*cough* @tenkosugar *cough*

Cruel fingers dig into the meat of your thighs, a frustrated whine coming from your boyfriend's lips. His pussy drips and drools over your leg, his clit brushing against you ever so often, his own thighs getting tired. He tries slowing down again, rolling his hips with care, angling them so that he can slowly build up the warm feeling in his tummy that escaped him just a few minutes ago. He's holding his breath, focused so intensively on the way your plush skin shakes under him, your leg moving up and down in efforts to help him at least a bit.

Your hands are shyly placed on his hips, too scared to grip or move him the wrong way.  Your lips are swollen, drool still dripping down your chin ever so often, the light stinging reminding you of how close he was, how beautifully his back arched, just for everything to be ripped away for no reason at all.

Well, there's always a reason, this one being that after a few weeks of living alone together, desperately waiting for your boyfriend to come back home, you both became unsustainably needy. Whatever the other one did wasn't enough anymore, and just like that, both of you wasted your time desperately trying to make each other cum.

What infuriated Shig even more was that he couldn't do anything to help you out either.

His head falls onto your chest, hot tears staining your skin, he's so terribly overwhelmed and deprived all the same. You decide to spend the rest of the afternoon soothing each other, kissing and cuddling, trying to make the day pass by quicker. Tomura ended up falling asleep on your lap, arms wrapped around your back. Placing a kiss to his shoulder, you bury your face in his neck, listening to the soft snores and huffs until your eyesight starts to get blurry, eyelids slowly closing while you finally doze off. He should be here soon...

You're not sure if Shigaraki woke up, but you can hear, maybe in your dreams, soft whispers against your ear, words of adoration making your heart swell, and in your sleepy state your think you hug your boyfriend a bit tighter, letting him know that yes, you adore him too. Slowly, the gentle kisses feel more real, sharp nails scraping over your cheek, carefully...warm but chapped lips following suit. And then you definitely hear Shigaraki stirring in his sleep, knees digging into the couch while his hands feverishly grip at you, probably trying to ground himself back to slumber.

Too tired to connect the dots, you lovingly tangle your fingers in Shig's hair, trying to soothe him a bit more. You can feel hot lips against yours for a brief second again, and this time you decide to peek, lazily blinking. A few shades of green melt in front of you, halfheartedly rubbing the sleep from your eyes, your vision clears.

Your heart jumps and leaps, and if it wasn't for a finger shushing you, you're sure you would scream, hands flying to your boyfriend to pull him in. His hands hold your face tenderly, nose brushing against yours. Tomu shifts again and you can't keep still anymore, shaking him awake. Shigaraki grunts, opening his eyes, startled from a dream he was having that got cut off abruptly, but suddenly become wide awake when two pairs of lips land on each of his cheeks.

He's off your lap in seconds, jumping and wrapping his legs around Spinner, still dizzy from sleep but he's lucky that two strong hands squish him steady, not letting him fall. You watch with a fond smile, Shig's greedy lips stealing Spinner's mouth, sloppy and sharp tongue messily trying to keep up. Standing up, you look over your occupied boyfriends, letting them have their moment.

Once you put the bags in their place, you're dragged and spun around, scales rubbing against your chin, hot tongue swirling down your neck. You're backed up across the room until your legs bump into the cushion, making you sit. Shigaraki's already pulling you in the center of it, waiting for Spinner to take off his clothes. He's sweaty and he desperately needs a shower, but his hands can't stay away from either of you.

He's crawling between you and Shig, grabbing each of your hands while he shamelessly sniffs and rubs against both of you. Trailing lower, kissing from one body to another, he has both of you laying flat on the bed.

Oh how he missed you, hands feverishly pulling and groping your thighs. Shigaraki is the first to shamelessly spread his legs open, bucking his hips off the bed. Spinner can't keep up, leaving you briefly to bury his nose in the white tuff of hair, smearing the slick across his chin, clawed nails digging into pale legs, spreading them further and further until Tomura squeals. The tip of his nose is soft, rubbing and nudging Tomura's clit, tongue shyly darting out to lick between the glossy folds.

You have to squeeze your thighs together, watching as your green lover tries to keep his eyes open, intoxicated and dazed by the mouthwatering pussy against his face.

His hand blindly reaches between your legs, urging you to spread out for him. Shigaraki's hands are clawing at Spinner's scalp, fingers tangling in traces of purple, pulling and kneading while he pleadingly looks at you.

Spinners fingers dip between your thighs, teasing your clit with his thumb until you finally inch your legs apart. You hear the satisfied moan, his palm cupping your cunt. It's comfortably warm and wet against his hand, making addictive squelchy sounds each time he taps at it. He's working Tomura open with his long tongue, going deeper and deeper until he can feel his muscle straining in his mouth.

Shig whines for you, turning his head so he can steal a kiss. Spinner peeks up, his cocks twitching and straining against the bed while he watches the two of you, flushed and panting into each other's mouth. He has to press on Shigaraki's tummy to keep him still, working him open the only way the poor lizard can. His nails warily scrape over your hole, dipping in and out oh so lightly, just teasing and moving back up to your clit, his fingers now soaked and slimy against the small nub.

He lets off of Shigaraki's cunt with a quiet "plop", wiping his lips on his inner thigh.

His attention is back on you, reaching his hands up to knead and grope at your breasts, slippery fingers pinching your nipples, twisting and pulling gently, the tip of his nails scraping across the sensitive bud.

His hand sinks right into the soft mounds, squeezing them together.

Raggedy tongue pokes the tight muscle of your pussy, sinking nice and deep, swirling around as he gulps down. You taste divine, and he thanks the Lords that neither you nor Shiggy had the time to shower before this, because hell, his taste buds are tingling, saliva pooling from his lips, and he's pushing himself closer and closer.

Pre drips from his cocks, small droplets staining the sheets while he tries not to rut against them too much.

Shigaraki kneels, leaning down to kiss at your tits, Spinner's hands pushing them in his mouth. Your pale skin turns purple, bit by bit until Tomura is satisfied enough, watching you squirm from the nibbles of his teeth. He was always a bit...intense when it came to pressure, biting or scratching a bit too hard, cunt throbbing at the hastily appearing marks. He's kind enough to soothe the tortured skin, especially when every swipe of his tongue makes you arch your back, hands flying to the first thing you can grab. And God he could spend the whole day just munching on your breasts.

His attention is grabbed by a hungry groan, a sharp thrusts rattling the bed. His eyes snap to Spinner's hips, two obviously neglected cocks humping against the mattress. Spinner is too focused, too pussy drunk to even think about himself, and Tomura can't just let your precious boy suffer like that.

He tries his best to reach under Spinner, a careful hand wrapping around one of the dicks. He gasps into your heat, dragging his tongue out for just a moment, slamming it back in with new vigor, Shigaraki's hand speeding up around his length. The angle is weird but just enough to make him see stars, having hands that he could only imagine for the longest time, finally around him.

He reaches one of his hands to rub at your clit, curling his tongue up, the tip of it bumping against the soft patch inside, sending small shocks to your belly. Tomura can't keep his eyes off of both of you, pussy clenching around nothing while he imagines being squished between the two of you.

Finally, Spinner peels away from your cunt, savoring the taste on his tongue, swirling it across his glossy lips before pulling it back in his mouth. Tomura takes the opportunity to push your legs up and lean himself on your chest, hungrily staring at his boyfriend who's hands shake in anticipation.

He waits for you and Shigaraki to settle comfortably before he inches closer, spreading his legs a bit to level better.

You both hold your breaths while he guides his cocks over your holes, stroking them both for a bit before tapping against your pussies. Shigaraki scoffs at the teasing of his tip against his cunt, eagerly swaying his hips to sink himself onto Spinner's cock.

A pair of hands keep him still though, eyes scanning over both of your faces while he nudges another inch in. Tomura can't keep his weight up, dropping his light body over yours fully, legs going weak when the cock seemingly pushes as far as it can go. You huff, body overheating while his pussy kisses yours.

"You can take a bit more, right?" Spinner asks, and before you can really think about it you're both nodding, holding onto eachother while your cunts stretch and pulse around his cocks. The generous few seconds he gives the two of you to adjust are barely enough, his feet digging into the bed as he starts thrusting. It's as slow as he can make himself go, an apologetic look on his face. But he has two beautiful partners spreading their legs wider, bodies moving to meet his.

"Kiss me" Tomura whines and pleads, knuckles now pale from holding onto the sheets. Spinner's top cock is slightly bigger and even tho Tomu and you can take a lot, it's always a struggle to get used to, no matter how much the three of you fuck and switch around. You place your lips on his open mouth, letting him breathe the hot air between you. If there was one thing Spinner craved, it was for a way to kiss both of you at the same time, yet he remained content, watching you while he worked his pace. His touch was always soft, compared to the brutal prods of his cocks that shook the whole bed, finger lazily stroking Tomura's hips or your thighs, sometimes seeking either of your hands.

He would often put Shigaraki's hand behind his back, watching his face mush against your tits, tongue lolled out, overwhelmed tears making his red eyes glow all pretty. Other times he would lay over Tomu, leaning over his shoulder so that he can kiss you, missing how far away you are from him this way. But fuck it doesn't feel far, not with how deep his cock is ramming inside you, balls slapping against your ass, filling the room with a hypnotizing "plaping" noise, sweaty skin bouncing against eachother. By a particularly angled thrust, the sounds the two of you make cause his muscles to tense, head thrown back only slightly, long tongue barely able to stay comfortably in his mouth, eyes rolling into the back of his head. He jolts forward, gripping the fat of your hips, squeezing until he gets enough of a leverage to plow into you, listening to muffled yelps and moans as he nears his high. Shigaraki switches to biting and drooling above your tits, tongue darting to swirl your nipples, soaking pussy rubbing hurriedly over yours.

"That's it, missed your pussies so much, f-fuck...missed you-..." He's rambling, he gets so sweet when he's about to cum, words sending jolts to your heart, making your fingertips tingle. And if Shigaraki wasn't whining already, he is now, a tinted blush on his cheeks, arms weak, trying to keep Spinner buried to the hilt as he can feel the knot untangling in his stomach.

Spinner takes a moment to look down past his abs, staring at a mess of gush and cream on his cock, whispering a soft " 's pretty" that makes Tomura arch his back, cumming on top of you. You follow soon after as runny ropes of hot cum start filling you up, invading the already tight space with the sheer amount your boyfriend has to offer, going on and on until you feel like passing out.

"Ah-hah" itself a sigh of relief, his cocks softening just enough so that they can slip out of both of you, sticky release dripping from Shigaraki's pussy to yours and then adding onto the disaster of the sheets that'll definitely need a few rounds in the washing machine.

Tomura falls to your side, making room for Spinner who crashes in the middle, chest rising and falling rapidly.

"That's it?" both you and Shig say in unison, teasing the poor lizard. He replies with a groan, dicks twitching at the mere suggestion. You're nice enough to spare him, promising a warm bath as soon as your legs decide to obey properly.

hi🌸 *posts this and runs*

My lil links: Ko-Fi || Patreon

[zmayadw]

Hello to all Duskwood lovers! Same as a lot of you here, i got pretty hooked on Duskwood ,and Jake, ofcourse :) After reading few fanfics, i started one myself. It’s the first time I’ve done it, and i got my courage up to share it with you all. I am aware there are quite a lot of them already, so hopefully one more wont be too much :) I’ll post just a part, maybe two of it. if anyone will be interested in more, then yay! If not, oh well, no hard feelings.  I’ll just continue with it for my own pleasure (for what i started it in the first place!) And im quite new on Tumblr, so if i did something wrong, sorry in advance.

I apologize for a long intro, wishing you all a great weekend! :)

Oh, and English is not my first language, so dont hold a grudge for any mistakes, as im sure there will be some!

CALL OF THE RAVEN

(It contains swearing, blood, death)

Part 1

A year passed. One year since Hannah was back, one year since I met some wonderfull new friends. And him...

I still remember the first time i saw him, even if it was over a videocall: those beautifull dark blue-grey eyes, full of hope and love, his dark black hair ruffled from all the sleeples nights, and from running his hands through it with frustration.

„Jake, can i ask you for a favore?“  I typed in my phone at one of our latest conversations. „Ofcourse“  he replied, not hesitating a bit, even tho he knew the things I asked him lately wer more and more on the personal basis. „I would really like to see you.“  There was a silence from his side. „Just one video call, just this once?“  still nothing. „ Please, Jake. This is killing me! I just want to see your face, talk to you for once, without you hiding yourself.“ Still no replay. „I know you are scared, hell im scared too, you have no idea how much, but im in agony, Jake, im acheing here! I dont know what will happen, and if we'll ever see eacother in person, so just this once, please, let me see you, the real you!“ Still silence. „Please..“ I pleaded, tears swelling up in my eyes. Few minutes passed,and I though 'fuck, why did you have to preasure it Maya, you just fucked everything up now'. I was just about to give up and go to sleep, when my phone rang  - 'Incoming videocall: Jake.  My heart banged like crazy,and I almost dropped my phone. My hands wer shaking so badly, I barely managed to accept the call. And there he was, looking right at me. „Hello, Maya.“  he said, but I just stared at him, unsure if I was dreaming or was this really happening. „Maya? You allright?“ he asked, with so much care, his voice rang to my ears like the most beautifull melody, but still, all I did was stare. He looked so tired, with all those sleeples nights taking its toll on him. His hair was ruffled, and sticking in all directions, but I tought of it as cute. And those eyes, , looking at me, like they wer looking right into my soul. He was everything I imagined, even better then what I imagined. „Maya, please, say something.“ he pleaded, and I snapped myself back to reality. „I'm sorry...I just.. didnt really expect this, you kinda cought me off guard.“  I managed to say finaly, blinking those tears away. „Uhm, well, you did ask for it. Should I hang up?“  he asked, confusion showing on his face. I quickly replied, with a smile „No,no, dont you dare! You know how long i waited for this??“ He was perfct. Even beaten with worry and sleep deprivation, he was  perfect. „Well, hello Jake, nice to finaly see you!“  He smiled back, oh that beautiful smile „Hello Maya, nice to see you, too!“

„Promise me, Maya, you wont go to Duskwood!“  his words rang in my head till this day. „I Promise, Jake.“  I said, and I meant it at that point. But things have changed, ofcourse, and impulsive as I am, I was in my car and on my way to Duskwood in a hearthbeat. It seemed as the only choice I had if we wanted to find Hannah, and I didnt hesitate at all. I asked Lily for help, and even if it was her sister in question, she was reluctant about it. „I dont want to lie to everybody any more, or to him, Maya. We made some good relationship, and to hide this information from him..I just dont know.“ „Please, Lily, I really dont see any other choice for me here. I have to do this, I have a chance to find Hannah! Please,you owe me!“ She knew what I was refering to - that video she posted, accusing Jake and me of everything did so much trouble, especially for Jake. I was so pissed at her at the time, so when she learned the thruth about Jake being Hannahs and hers half-brother, she felt awful. She told me then she owe me a big one, and I gladly took her by her word. „Fine, i'll help you, but I dont feel good about it at all, let that be clear!“ she protested on the phone, as I was already driving halfway towards Duskwood. A small grin of victory appeared on my face, as I explained to her what my plan was. We finished the call, and i turned the phone off. I had no idea if Jake was still monitoring my chats and calls, or something more, and I didnt want to take any chances. If he did, I hoped my call with Lily wont raise any susspison, so he wont feel the need to 'evesdrop'. I didnt feel good breaking my promise to him, and running off without a word, but I really thought 'hey, what could go wrong'. And, oh boy, was I wrong and things really did go wrong.

I almost died that night. Going into that mine alone wasn't such a good idea, after all. And all I could think at that moment was ah, shit, Jake would be pissed  at me right now!'. I could hear his voice in my head, as the blood was running down my head, throbing from the blow I recived.  But not before i saw with my own eyes that Hannah was still alive. I was so sure that it was done, I found her, I did it! I was so close to breaking her out, and I saw releife on her face when she saw me. But that releife was quickly replaced by the face full of terror, and before I knew it, all went dark for me.

„You promise me!“  the words chimmed in my head, as I slowely came to conscious. It took me a moment to become comepletly aware of everything that was going on arround me. I tried to stand, but the pain that burst through my body quickly drew me back to the floor.  My head wanted to explode,my breathing heavy and short. My stomach couldnt take it any more, so whatever I had in it came pouring out.

I managed to get myself in sitting position, leaning my back on the cold stone wall of the mine. I saw Hannah, looking at me with worry and fear in her eyes. And then I heard a voice „Did you really think that you were smarter than me?“ I turned my head, and there he stood, sinister grin on his face - Richy.

Our dear friend Richy, always positive, always caring to others, always willing to help. But Richy that was standing just a few steps from me, was not the same Richy we all knew.

When all the evidence started pointing at him being the MWAF, I didn’t want to belive at first. „No, it cant be..not him!“ „Maya, the evidence is right in front of you.“ Jake would say. „Dont tell me your judgement is getting clouded by your feelings again, by now you should know that evidence dont lie. They didnt get us wrong so far.“ He would always be so rational, and I have to admit, my feelings did get me a bit too sensitive with our search a few times. I guess that was also why we wer so good in collaborating. My head pulsed again, as I looked at him, wincing in pain. His grin widened, and he came crouching next to me. Reflexly I pulled back as much as possible, wich just made the pain unberable again, and my stomach lurched one more time. I dont know how much time passed, because I fainted.

When I came to it again, Ritchy was sitting on some rock, moving the knife from one hand to the other. I quickly glanced towards Hannah, and was glad that she was still alive. She didnt look badly hurt, considering all, few bruises and dirt on her face as far as I could see. She sat on the floor, with hands bind in shackles a few feet from me. Ritchy looked at me  „Ah, good, you're still with us!“ „Yeah, bad weed grows tall.“  I said, and he grinned „ I remember.“ Ritchy slowely came towards me again, and repeated his question from before  „So, you really tought you wer smarter that me, Maya? That you could just waltz in here and leave without the qonsequencess?“  „Well, dont know about the waltzing part, I never was good at it. I might need some help with walking out of here, but I doubt you'd lend a helping hand“. Even now when I was sure I was gonna die, I still couldnt hold my mouth shut. Ritchy laughed, his laugh ringed all over, and at that poin a memory came to my mind: „You are the only one who can still make ma laugh.“  Jake words again. Shit, like i wasnt feeling stupid enough already, doing exactly what he told me not to, risking my own life.  „I am so sorry, Jake.“  My words now in my head, like he could hear me somehow.  My heart filled with sorrow, thinking how I never will meet any of them. And, ofcourse, Jake. I would never talk to him again, gaze into those curious eyes, touch his hair, take his hand in mine. Never will I tell him all that I wanted, but was so affraid that maybe he doesnt feel the same. „ You promised me!“  again those words, this time piercing at my heart like a knife, and tears came running down my cheeks. „I am sorry.“  i whispered under my breath. I wanted to be brave, I didnt want to give Ritchy even more satisfaction over this, but it was all too much for me. I didnt care if he sees my tears, I didnt care for anything anymore. „What was that you said?“  he asked, and I replied, my head still bend down „Just finish it already.“ „Sorry, didnt heare you there“ he said, sinister grin back on his face. I dont know where I managed the strenght for it, but my head shot up, and I yelled with everything I had in me, looking him straingh in the eyes, pouring all my emotions in it  „Just finish it already, you freak!“ He jumped backwards when as yelled, but didnt look too shocked by it. He smirked, grapping the knife so tightly,his knuckles turned white as snow, looking at me with frenzy in his eyes, „With pleasure.“ I closed my eyes.

What happened next is still a bit fuzzy to me. I remember Hannah screaming, as Ritchy dived towards me with the knife. And the three loud bangs, that pierced my ears and made my head spin again. There was a 'thud', and I slowely opened my eyes, to see Ritchy sprawled on the floor next to me, blood coming from his mouth, eyes open wide in bevilderment. „ It wasnt.. suppose to end..like this..“ he mummled, more blood pouring out. And then silence. Someone said my name. I looked up from Ritchys, two familiar faces looming over me: it was Thomas and Dan. I looked at them in shock, eyes filling with tears. „ Is it over?“ i asked shakely, Dan answering  „Yes.“ Thomas ran over to Hannah, another person following  him. „Is it really over?“  I asked again,breathing heavy, glancing back where Ritchy lay. Dan answered again „Yes, Maya, it's really over.“ I lost all controll then, shaking and crying , balwing like a little kid, mummling something under my breath, wich made Dan very worried. „Thomas!“ he shouted  „Take Hannah and run out, tell the rest of the cops and medics if they arrived to hurry, I will stay with her.“ Thomas and Hannah looked at Dan with worry all over their faces, but he yelled at them again to hurry, and turned back to me. He tried to hug me, and when I screamed from pain, it got him terrified. „Hang in there Maya, help is on the way!“ „ I hope so.“ I said, voice cracking, darkness taking over me. „Maya, stay with me!“  Dan was scraming, but I couldnt fight it anymore. My eyes became so heavy, I just let them close, and with my final breath I whispered his name...Jake.

[yetanotherreader]

Useful—6(2)

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Y/N Y/L/N

Genre: College AU

Summary: The school's most popular boy wants to be friends with Y/N, out of the blue. It definitely doesn't have anything to do with her hot best friend, though.

Word Count (For the chapter—both parts): 6,367

Warnings (For the chapter): Fluff, Mentions of Depression, suicide attempts, murder, angst, panic attack, fluff, more fluff?

Two parts in what? 5 minutes? Lol. I hate Tumblr sometimes, and so much.

Useful Masterlist        

Chapter 6(2)

Chapter 6(1)

You felt tears in your eyes, tears that you didn't let out of them, "I just..I-" he squeezed your hands urging you to continue, "I feel guilty. Just not good enough for you. Feels like you deserve a better friend."

Dean's little action continued on the back of your hands as he sighed, "You know you've been a better friend to me in the last few months than most people have been my entire life, right?"

"Doesn't mean you don't deserve better."

"There's no better, sweetheart. You're the best. The best high school girlfriend I could have ever asked for," You let out a little laugh. Only Dean could do that, "Mom. She was amazing."

You knew where this was headed. Dean never talked about his mom, and today he was. You held your breath as he spoke that word. Dean was opening up to you, finally. You felt him stiffen, holding back, "Go on, Dean. I'm listening. I won't judge."

"I know you won't. Out of everyone, you won't," Dean's hold tightened on your palm, "I don't have a lot of memories with her, but the ones I have they're all good. She was the best mother." Dean talked about her in past tense, and your heartbeat rose at that. You thought he had a mother, everyone thought that, "When I was four, there was a house fire. Sam was very small, 6 months. Dad ran to save her, but she forced him to save us instead. And he did. I remember seeing my house burn, with Sammy crying in my arms, with mom.

You gasped, your heart aching in your chest for the scared little boy Dean was hiding inside himself, "In the matter of seconds, dad came and picked us up, running in the opposite direction of the house. I kept yelling at him that he needed to go save mom, but all my cries..they were subsided by the explosion that happened in front. Mom was gone...forever. Only because dad had to save me."

You let out a shaky breath. He couldn't have been blaming himself for it the entire time, right? "Dean, it wasn't your fault." You positioned your head, now, your chin on his shoulder as you looked up in his teary eyes. Your faces inches away from each other. You cupped his face with your free hand and wiped the lone tear that escaped his eyes. What all had he been keeping inside for so long?

"It feels like it is," He shut his eyes, letting his tears out, "everything feels like my fault."

Your heart literally hurt in your chest. He didn't deserve that, he never deserved that, "But it's not. He is your dad, obviously he'd save you, Dean. You-you can't be blaming yourself, De."

"I saw someone that day. In the cupboard," you frowned at the new information as Dean rested his forehead on yours, "But I thought it was my imagination. A man. He had yellow eyes. Golden ones.

"I never told that to Dad. I don't know why, I just never did. But that image wasn't something I could have forgotten. But I thought it was a dream. After mom died, Dad worked overtime. He was a cop. I had to take care of Sam."

"Ever since you were four?" You let out before you could stop. That wasn't something a kid should be responsible for. He shifted so that you both were in your earlier positions.

"Yeah. That day, when I was 10, after putting Sam to sleep, I thought I would go play outside. That's when I heard it. Dad was talking to someone on the phone. Mom didn't die in the accident. She was murdered. I got to know that mom was an agent. Undercover. I didn't know what that meant but I understood she was the police. I didn't know how to process this new information and that's when I got my first panic attack.

You shut your eyes, tears falling on your cheeks, "I went into the bathroom. It was hard to breathe and I was feeling hot. I wanted to cry but nothing came out of my eyes," you brought your free hand to his muscled arm and gave it a squeeze, having a hard time keeping yourself from breaking apart, "I turned on the shower and stood there till I was better. I never spoke about it ever again, until now. I trust you, Y/N. Please don't ever break it."

His voice sounded hoarse from keeping himself from crying, "I won't. You matter a lot to me, Dean. The most."

He sighed, as if getting some reassurance, "Depression knocked after that. There were times I almost k- killed myself," You hid your face in his neck, wanting to get closer to him, to see he was there, breathing. He took a pause, nuzzling into your hair, feeling some life himself, "But the thought of Sammy, it stopped me. Each and every time. Sometimes he called my name just before I was about to do it, or sometimes I'd just remember his smile and how it'd fade forever if I pressed the trigger. That was one time I got dad's gun. I didn't even know how to use it. Sammy was my savior, he was my light at the end of the tunnel. He was the one who first noticed my self destructive behaviour. I was 16 and he was 12. He was a nerd, obviously he noticed," Dean chuckled to himself, "And when he found out that I had depression, he was hell bent on helping me. Even after I pushed him away, he didn't budge. By that time Dad started staying in different cities, so Sam and I were pretty much all. Bobby visited us every few days, dad's best friend. That's who Sam told. I was very mad, telling him that he's not supposed to tell just anyone about it. That's when Uncle Bobby smacked me in the head saying, and I'll quote in his accent, 'Family don't end in blood, boy.'" Dean chuckled at his own voice. A sight you wanted to capture forever. How could someone go through so much alone and still be as good as he was? How could someone be so strong?

"Then? Your uncle did something?" You asked softly.

"Yeah. Lots of love and care," He smiled nostalgic, "I felt like for the first time that I had people who care about me enough to bear with me."

"I'm glad you had them. Uncle Bobby and Sam, both of them sound like cool guys."

"Oh my god, yes" Dean laughed a hearty laugh, "They're the coolest guys. I want you to meet them someday! If, uh, if you're okay with it?"

You smiled, "Yeah, I want to meet them too." 

"Bobby owned a garage. He got busy with it, and Sammy started preparing for law school. And I thought I was doing better, much better. My panic attacks were less and I smiled more. But without them, it was lonely. I was scared that I'll go into that dark place again. That's when I met Cassie."

You clenched your jaw, "The Cassie?"

"Yeah," Dean gulped, "We dated in high school. The first girl I liked, I mean, really liked. I was 18 and it was my first serious relationship. I really thought we could make something."

"You….you were in love with her?" You breathed out the words, a sudden wave of hurt passing through you.

"I guess," he sighed, sounding hurt, "I had liked her for a long time and we hooked up. But I think we both wanted more than just a hookup with each other. She was attractive, you know. She was strong headed and confident, someone who knew what she wanted and she was gorgeous. And that was hot to me." Something you could never be, "And maybe I was hot to her too. We went out for a couple of months. Everything was good. I was at her place once, it was mom's death anniversary. The hardest time of the year. And after a long long time, I had a panic attack."

"She helped you, right?" You asked, knowing the answer to it very well.

"She said I was nuts," you clenched your jaw, feeling fury in your head. You never really cared about Cassie, until you got to know she blackmailed Dean to throw you in the pool and later bully you about it. But right now all you felt was her was pure hate. How could she? How could anyone be so insensitive to someone? And especially when that someone is her boyfriend?

"Bloody bitch,"

"Right?" Dean laughed a little, "It was a long time ago, though. I'm fine now."

"Don't act tough around me, Dean," He sighed, "Is that why you never told anyone about your condition?" He nodded timidly, "Oh, Dean."

This time you wrapped your hands complete around his torso, nuzzling into his shoulders. He deserved all the happiness in the world and what he got was all of this, "When that night you found me...you know, helped me. I thought it was going to be the same. We didn't share a very good rapport. I mean, after what I did with you the first day, it was understandable if you hated me. I thought you were going to laugh at me, or maybe tell everyone about how weak I was.

You felt a pang inside your chest at that accusation, you had never been mean to anyone so it felt bad that he assumed that about you. But you understood it, he had trust issues. The girl he trusted, even loved, did that to him so you were a girl who didn't get along with him, "But you were nothing but kind to me. You helped me. That hug was the realest hug I had gotten in a long time. You comforted me and you did all of that. And now that panic attack doesn't feel all that bad. It gave me my favorite person."

"You're my favorite person, too, Dean. I can't imagine a life without you in it, you know. And I promise you, from now on, you will never find yourself alone when you need someone," You pulled away from him and cupped his face, wiping the stray tears. In that moment, all you wanted to do was press your lips to his and pour all the love he was deprived of in that kiss, but you knew that wasn't something that could happen. So you did what you think was closest, repeat an action from the day. He looked at you with unshed tears in his eyes, and all you wanted to do was take his hurt away. You leaned in, slowly pressing your lips to the side of his mouth, tasting the saltiness of his tears. He let out a sigh, "I'm always going to be there, Dean, okay?"

He nodded against your lips and you swore your breath hitched in your throat when they slightly grazed his. You pulled away slowly, maintaining whatever little boundaries were left between you two. It was all friendly, "Thank you."

"Mm hmm," You stood up, walking towards the lake, "The swans are gone."

Dean followed you, "Seems like they are."

"And for the record, Cassie is a dumb bitch."

Dean let out a laugh, "Yeah, yeah she is,"  He stood next to you, seeing the reflection of the moon in the lake, "Why do you keep pushing me away?"

That was the last thing that you expected to come out of his mouth, "Wh-what do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. Every time something happens, you go MIA on me or act like nothing happened. This happened yesterday, before that and today in the fair. What is it that's holding you back from opening up? Is it that you don't trust me?"

It wasn't an accusation, he looked genuinely confused. You didn't think he'd pick on these little things, "It's nothing like that. You're just overthinking thi-"

"It's okay if you don't wanna tell, Y/N. Just don't lie to me. I don't expect you to trust me but the least I can hope is that you don't lie to me and make me feel like a stranger."

"It's not that..I'm sorry," You said, feeling exposed under his stare, "I-I don't know how to talk about.. things. I never did. You mean a hell lot to me, Dean. It has nothing to do with you. It's me. I'm scared. I wish I were as strong as you because trust me, I do want to talk about my feelings. I just can't."

"It's okay, Y/N." Dean sighed and your ears perked up. Is he done with you? Is that all? Your eyes widened as your head turned in his direction. He looked back concerned and cupped your face, "Y/N, I meant it. It's okay. Tell me whenever you think you can tell me. I'm going to wait. I'm not going anywhere."

"Please don't give up on me just yet." Your eyes brimmed with unshed tears, as he looked back with nothing but understanding.

"I'm not. I'll always be here." He whispered, slowly pressing his lips to your forehead, "I promise."

And that's when you knew, it wasn't a silly crush. You were in love with your best friend.

You loved Dean Winchester.

—

A/N: So that's about it. I really hope you liked this one because well, I mean I wrote it I'd obviously want you to like this. Ugh, I'm so bad at this. So yeah, I hope you had a happy reading. Feedback is greatly appreciated, it keeps me going.

Tags for useful:

 @bi-danvers0 @mrsdeanfuckingwinchester @itsjaybro16 @mml232 @blablatiti @stilltoomuchafangirl @bat-shark-repellant @bluebell-24 @shortwinchester @always-money-in-the-banana-stand @soullessbabee @ima-be-a-mongoose @infinityspacesuniverse @vicmc624 @roonyxx @fandoms-fiend @slythermyg @perpetualabsurdity @whydontwejustgohunting @supraveng @coffeebooksandfandom @justafuckeduphuman @busy-bee-angel-misska @ria123love @woodworthti666 @katiekitty261 @supernatural-fan-123 @yxseminx @janicho88

[nona-gay-simus-main]

Top 10 Worst Tropes in Romance - Part 2

Disclaimer: This is MY opinion, you do you.

Part 1: Here

1. The Child Partner

I’m not talking about literal children, because duh. What I mean is the a person who needs their partner to emotionally parent them.

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like the whole point of a romantic relationship is to be with an equal. You’re supposed to be teammates, best friends, and lovers.

Of course, I'm not including cases where one partner is disabled or chronically/mentally ill and needs the other to take care of them - that’s an entirely separate thing. 

I'm referring to people (usually cishet men), who constantly need their partner to manage their moods and emotions. They always have some ~trauma~ to manipulate the partner into staying in the relationship in order to keep reassuring them, confirming their self-esteem, and even doing their cooking and cleaning, as if they aren't abled adults with two functioning hands.

That shit sucks!

Imagine doing that for someone all the time and then also trying to have a kid (or multiple kids) with that person. Not only will you be taking care of your actual child; but also - your partner-child. Stop normalizing lazy, emotionally stunted men. That shit ain't cut no matter how hard his abs are or how big his dick is.

2. “I’ve been in love with you since the first moment we met.”

I don’t know what it is about this trope, but it shows up in many romances and it always makes me uncomfortable. How the hell are you supposed to react to that? 

Oh, you’ve been in love with me since the first time we met? Yikes, my dude.

You can’t even fall in love with someone that fast anyway. You're not in love with the person, you’re in love with your idea of them!

The only acceptable version of this is the one where it’s more along the lines “I thought I might fall in love with you if I spent any more time with you.” But other than that, I really don't understand why this is a thing?

3. Lust = Love

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a prude. I’m perfectly fine with couples who have loads and loads of sex. I’m also perfectly fine with casual sex and friends-with-benefits and any other consensual arrangement between adults.

I just get tripped up when pretty much all a couple does is have sex. They have little in common outside of sex, spend little time together when not having sex, and don’t share any hobbies, interests or even conversation topics. Or worse, when they aren’t having sex, they’re fighting. 

If you want your characters to get laid, that’s cool. But if you want me to believe they are also falling in love - you’re gonna have to try a little harder.

4. BDSM = Abuse

Yes, abuse happens under the pretense of BDSM, but BDSM is NOT inherently abusive. It only happens within pre-established boundaries and safe words and with explicit consent. The only people who claim it's abuse, are people who have a vested interest in controlling what women and queer people do with our bodies.

So I really, really hate it when people use “It’s just BDSM, don’t be so uptight” to justify their rapey, abusive love interest’s actions. If the submissive has not already consented, or their consent was obtained through manipulation or intoxication - it’s not meaningful consent.

BDSM is a lot more complex than some of the simplistic catchphrases we use to explain it to the vanillas, and we can discuss those complexities for hours, but at the one thing is definitely true - the Dominant only has as much power as the submissive is willing to give. If they (knowingly) cross a boundary or take power without the consent of the submissive, it’s not power exchange, it’s abuse, pure and simple.

5. "All women want him. All men want to be him"

Really? ALL women? Are you sure?

I hate to tell you this, but some women are exclusively attracted to other women. And some women aren’t attracted to anyone. Some women have low libidos, and some women just don’t prioritize sex and relationships for whatever reason. And some women are in happy, fulfilling monogamous relationships already.

And all men want to BE him? Did you know that some men are attracted to other men? They might want a piece of that too. Or perhaps, they just don’t value being some alpha douchebag and are happy to be their much better-adjusted self. That's a thing.

Can we let this cliché die already? Please?

6. Giving up your dreams for ~love~.

Oh man, this is the worst! And why is it nearly always the woman, who has to make a choice between her career and ~~~LoVe~~?

So many books/movies etc. start with this powerful career woman and then by the end reduce her to nothing but a trophy to her man. That’s not feminist, it just keeps perpetuating the same tired gender roles.

And I can’t help but think about the future of this relationship. What if it doesn’t work out? Then the partner who the dreams were given up for looks like a jerk, even if they never asked for this.

And even if it works out, the partner who gave up their dream job, or opportunity, or whatever, will always have this “what if” at the back of their mind. Over time, they may even end up resenting their SO, especially if things don’t work out for them career-wise.

Just such a bad trope all around. It’s not romantic, it’s toxic, and co-dependant and I want it to stop.

7. He treats everyone like crap ***but you***.

You know the limitus test to see if someone’s a good person? Look at how they treat people who are “beneath” them. Their servers, the cleaning lady, etc.

If this guy treats servers like crap, treats his friends and family like crap, treats everyone like crap, except for the person whose pants he wants to get in (or wants to keep getting in for the foreseeable future), why are we romanticizing him? He’s a selfish jackass.

You can have a grumpy (but ultimately caring and good-natured) character, that's fine. But if he only treats people like humans when it benefits him - that's not sexy, that's sociopathic.

8. Love Cures All

Ahhh, the worst of them all. Truly, having a character who suffers from mental illness or has a major trauma, but oh look, they got some cuddles from the love interest and now they are all good!

Just stop, please. It’s so damaging to the people who are going through this, to tell them that all they need to feel better is ~~~LoVe~~~. And if they aren’t getting better? Well, they just haven’t gotten enough ~~~LoVe~~~!

It’s also damaging to the partner - no one should have this much responsibility on their shoulders.

Obviously, the love of a partner, friends, and family can HELP with the healing process, but it’s not enough by itself. Get them some goddamn therapy, please.

9. Accidental Pregnancy

I don’t know about you, but for most people I know, myself included, accidental pregnancy would be an absolute nightmare, not something romantic.

Do you know how bad my entire generation is doing financially? And people use this as a plot device to strengthen the relationship?

Also, relationships get weaker after having a child, not stronger. Babies are cute when they are sleeping, the rest of the time they are crying, screaming messes. Yeah, why wouldn’t sleep deprivation and constantly hurting everywhere strengthen your relationship? 🙄🙄🙄

10. Violent Men

IRL, violent men are scary, not sexy. Even if the violence is never directed at the love interest, chances are that over time it will be. But even if it’s not, why would you ever want to date someone who has the emotional maturity of a pre-schooler?

Because after pre-school, kids tend to learn to solve their problems with their words. But I guess your love interest hasn’t matured past the age of 6, which coincidentally also leads back to the first trope on this list. Charming.

[yellowfeather84]

Hello you! I'm looking for a chapter in which Jamie explain to Claire his life in Ardsmuir, the chains, the Iron's noise and the fact that because of that he was ashamed of touch himself when he dreamed of her.. I cant remember the chapter or even the book... I hope you could help me! Thanks

Hi! The section that you’re looking for is in Voyager, chapter 44.

“I,” said Jamie, “am a fool.” He spoke broodingly, watching Fergus and Marsali, who were absorbed in close conversation by the rail on the opposite side of the ship. 

“What makes you think so?” I asked, though I had a reasonably good idea. The fact that all four of the married persons aboard were living in unwilling celibacy had given rise to a certain air of suppressed amusement among the members of the crew, whose celibacy was involuntary. 

“I have spent twenty years longing to have ye in my bed,” he said, verifying my assumption, “and within a month of having ye back again, I’ve arranged matters so that I canna even kiss ye without sneakin’ behind a hatch cover, and even then, half the time I look round to find Fergus looking cross-eyed down his nose at me, the little bastard! And no one to blame for it but my own foolishness. What did I think I was doing?” he demanded rhetorically, glaring at the pair across the way, who were nuzzling each other with open affection. 

“Well, Marsali is only fifteen,” I said mildly. “I expect you thought you were being fatherly— or stepfatherly.” 

“Aye, I did.” He looked down at me with a grudging smile. “The reward for my tender concern being that I canna even touch my own wife!” 

“Oh, you can touch me,” I said. I took one of his hands, caressing the palm gently with my thumb. “You just can’t engage in acts of unbridled carnality.” 

We had had a few abortive attempts along those lines, all frustrated by either the inopportune arrival of a crew member or the sheer uncongeniality of any nook aboard the Artemis sufficiently secluded as to be private. One late-night foray into the after hold had ended abruptly when a large rat had leapt from a stack of hides onto Jamie’s bare shoulder, sending me into hysterics and depriving Jamie abruptly of any desire to continue what he was doing.

He glanced down at our linked hands, where my thumb continued to make secret love to his palm, and narrowed his eyes at me, but let me continue. He closed his fingers gently round my hand, his own thumb feather-light on my pulse. The simple fact was that we couldn’t keep our hands off each other— no more than Fergus and Marsali could— despite the fact that we knew very well such behavior would lead only to greater frustration. 

“Aye, well, in my own defense, I meant well,” he said ruefully, smiling down into my eyes. 

“Well, you know what they say about good intentions.” 

“What do they say?” His thumb was stroking gently up and down my wrist, sending small fluttering sensations through the pit of my stomach. I thought it must be true what Mr. Willoughby said, about sensations on one part of the body affecting another. 

“They pave the road to Hell.” I gave his hand a squeeze, and tried to take mine away, but he wouldn’t let go. 

“Mmphm.” His eyes were on Fergus, who was teasing Marsali with an albatross’s feather, holding her by one arm and tickling her beneath the chin as she struggled ineffectually to get away. 

“Verra true,” he said. “I meant to make sure the lass had a chance to think what she was about before the matter was too late for mending. The end result of my interference being that I lie awake half the night trying not to think about you, and listening to Fergus lust across the cabin, and come up in the morning to find the crew all grinning in their beards whenever they see me.” He aimed a vicious glare at Maitland, who was passing by. The beardless cabin boy looked startled, and edged carefully away, glancing nervously back over his shoulder. 

“How do you hear someone lust?” I asked, fascinated. 

He glanced down at me, looking mildly flustered. 

“Oh! Well … it’s only …” 

He paused for a moment, then rubbed the bridge of his nose, which was beginning to redden in the sharp breeze. 

“Have ye any idea what men in a prison do, Sassenach, having no women for a verra long time?” 

“I could guess,” I said, thinking that perhaps I didn’t really want to hear, firsthand. He hadn’t spoken to me before about his time in Ardsmuir. 

“I imagine ye could,” he said dryly. “And ye’d be right, too. There’s the three choices; use each other, go a bit mad, or deal with the matter by yourself, aye?” 

He turned to look out to sea, and bent his head slightly to look down at me, a slight smile visible on his lips. “D’ye think me mad, Sassenach?” 

“Not most of the time,” I replied honestly, turning round beside him. He laughed and shook his head ruefully. 

“No, I dinna seem able to manage it. I now and then wished I could go mad”— he said thoughtfully “— it seemed a great deal easier than having always to think what to do next— but it doesna seem to come natural to me. Nor does buggery,” he added, with a wry twist of his mouth. 

“No, I shouldn’t think so.” Men who might in the ordinary way recoil in horror from the thought of using another man could still bring themselves to the act, out of desperate need. Not Jamie. Knowing what I did of his experiences at the hands of Jack Randall, I suspected that he very likely would have gone mad before seeking such resort himself. 

He shrugged slightly, and stood silent, looking out to sea. Then he glanced down at his hands, spread before him, clutching the rail. 

“I fought them— the soldiers who took me. I’d promised Jenny I wouldn’t— she thought they’d hurt me— but when the time came, I couldna seem to help it.” He shrugged again, and slowly opened and closed his right hand. It was his crippled hand, the third finger marked by a thick scar that ran the length of the first two joints, the fourth finger’s second joint fused into stiffness, so that the finger stuck out awkwardly, even when he made a fist. 

“I broke this again then, against a dragoon’s jaw,” he said ruefully, waggling the finger slightly. “That was the third time; the second was at Culloden. I didna mind it much. But they put me in chains, and I minded that a great deal.” 

“I’d think you would.” It was hard— not difficult, but surprisingly painful— to think of that lithe, powerful body subdued by metal, bound and humbled. 

“There’s nay privacy in prison,” he said. “I minded that more than the fetters, I think. Day and night, always in sight of someone, wi’ no guard for your thoughts but to feign sleep. As for the other …” He snorted briefly, and shoved the loose hair back behind his ear. “Well, ye wait for the light to go, for the only modesty there is, is darkness.” 

The cells were not large, and the men lay close together for warmth in the night. With no modesty save darkness, and no privacy save silence, it was impossible to remain unaware of the accommodation each man made to his own needs. 

“I was in irons for more than a year, Sassenach,” he said. He lifted his arms, spread them eighteen inches apart, and stopped abruptly, as though reaching some invisible limit. “I could move that far— and nay more,” he said, staring at his immobile hands. “And I couldna move my hands at all without the chain makin’ a sound.” 

Torn between shame and need, he would wait in the dark, breathing in the stale and brutish scent of the surrounding men, listening to the murmurous breath of his companions, until the stealthy sounds nearby told him that the telltale clinking of his irons would be ignored. 

“If there’s one thing I ken verra well, Sassenach,” he said quietly, with a brief glance at Fergus, “it’s the sound of a man makin’ love to a woman who’s not there.” 

He shrugged and jerked his hands suddenly, spreading them wide on the rail, bursting his invisible chains. He looked down at me then with a half-smile, and I saw the dark memories at the back of his eyes, under the mocking humor. 

I saw too the terrible need there, the desire strong enough to have endured loneliness and degradation, squalor and separation. 

We stood quite still, looking at each other, oblivious of the deck traffic passing by. He knew better than any man how to hide his thoughts, but he wasn’t hiding them from me. 

The hunger in him went bone-deep, and my own bones seemed to dissolve in recognition of it. His hand was an inch from mine, resting on the wooden rail, long-fingered and powerful. … If I touched him, I thought suddenly, he would turn and take me, here, on the deck boards. 

As though hearing my thought, he took my hand suddenly, pressing it tight against the hard muscle of his thigh. 

“How many times have we lain together, since ye came back to me?” he whispered. “Once, twice, in the brothel. Three times in the heather. And then at Lallybroch, again in Paris.” His fingers tapped lightly against my wrist, one after the other, in time with my pulse. 

“Each time, I left your bed as hungry as ever I came to it. It takes no more to ready me now than the scent of your hair brushing past my face, or the feel of your thigh against mine when we sit to eat. And to see ye stand on deck, wi’ the wind pressing your gown tight to your body …” 

The corner of his mouth twitched slightly as he looked at me. I could see the pulse beat strong in the hollow of his throat, his skin flushed with wind and desire. 

“There are moments, Sassenach, when for one copper penny, I’d have ye on the spot, back against the mast and your skirts about your waist, and devil take the bloody crew!” 

My fingers convulsed against his palm, and he tightened his grasp, nodding pleasantly in response to the greeting of the gunner, coming past on his way toward the quarter-gallery.