#earlier this year I talked to my mom about the generational trauma on her side of the family

[impossiblefangirl0632]

Throwing my thoughts about it being a year since Encanto came out into the void.

Sappiness in the tags

[mrsmandalorian]

meeting your parents

--cowboy!joel x techie!f!reader

-one-shot in the city lights, country nights series

summary: a year into your relationship, your mother learns about your relationship with joel. she insists you bring him to dinner after you agree. joel gets rewarded for his good behavior, though.

series masterlist/main masterlist/word count: 3.4k

warning: 18+ mdni, reader is able-bodied, no outbreak AU,  pet names (baby, angel, darling), fluff!!!!, flirting, make-out, drinking, parental issues, talk of trauma, drinking, handsy make-out, oral sex (m receiving), sexual teasing, joel's southern charm 🥵

a/n: howdy, everyone! i hope all is well with everyone! i am super sorry for the delay in this. i hope you all enjoy it! comment, reblog, and like to show your love! i appreciate you all! much love 🫶🏼 maddie

It was common for you to have noon meetings during the week. These meetings ruined your lunch break and made the day go by longer. Your break was usually when you got to catch up with Joel and socials throughout the day, so this meeting ruined your vibe. 

You sighed in relief as your boss let you all out about ten minutes earlier than usual. Gathering all your items, you hurry to your little office and get out a little lunch from your bag. You grab your phone, planning to text Joel when you see your mother has tried to call you. After closing your office door, you call her back with a slight eye roll. 

Your relationship with your parents was okay, but you were very independent and broke many generational curses that disappointed your mother. Your mom was the type to try to set you up with all her friends, coworkers, and kids, and she wanted you to go to the University of Virginia like her and your father. You have never told her about Joel. The two of you have been together for almost a year now. You were not ashamed of your sweet and sexy cowboy at all. You just enjoyed the peace of them not knowing. Your parents were just tricky and old in their ways of thinking. That’s why you did not get along. 

“Hi, honey! I thought you would be on a lunch break, but I guess not,” she uttered as soon as she answered, causing you to shake your head. 

“Hi, Mom. I had a meeting during the first half of my lunch break. I'm just calling you back. How are you today?” you asked as you sat back in your chair. Your mom only calls every other week, usually to get gossip for her book club or country club women's group. Your apartment was about thirty minutes from their house, but you only went over once a month, if that. 

“I’m doing okay. Leanne just told me some interesting news,” you could hear the fake grin on her face as she spoke. “It was about you.” Why the hell would she know anything about you?

“Oh really? What did she have to say?” You hesitantly asked her as you sat up, wondering what her friend had news about you. 

“She was telling me about how she was on your side of town going grocery shopping because there were better prices on fruit and vegetables there. She ran into her old construction worker, and once she got to the check-out line, you were there with him checking out two lanes down all lovey-dovey.” She began her speech on ‘how could you’ as you started to fidget your fingers across the top of your desk. “Hello, are you there?” 

You slowly take a deep breath before you respond to her. “I’m here. Yes, he’s my boyfriend,” giving her a short response was the best you could do right now as your stomach turned. 

“Boyfriend? How old is he? Leanne says that he has kids! Honey, you are only twenty-five years old! You don’t need to be with some older man and some woman’s kids.” She nagged back at you, and your fingers were immediately at the end of the call button. 

“Mother, whenever you find the time to be respectful and happy for me, you can call me back, and we can discuss Joel.” You say as you finally hit the end call button and let out a shaky breath. You sit back in your chair, wishing you could simply disappear to your country heaven. 

It took her three days to call you back. You almost did not answer, but your drive to the ranch was on a Friday evening. I was hoping you would lose the phone service anyway. 

“Hello, sweetie. I am sorry for how I reacted the other day,” she started the talk in a sweet apologetic tone. It caused you to wish you had not answered. 

“I’m not saying I forgive you because you said very unfair things about Joel the other day.” You replied quickly as you continued to drive farther away from the city. 

“I know. I judged a book by the description and cover. I am sorry, sweetie.” She lets out another apologetic plea. “I was calling to apologize for my behavior, but also invite you and Joel for dinner at the house on Sunday if you are both free. Your father and I would like a chance to meet him.” 

You bite your lips as she speaks and tap your fingers along the steering wheel. “ I will have to talk to Joel about it. I’ll let you know by tomorrow morning.” 

The rest of your conversation was short as she tried to catch up with you a little. Because of her old manipulative ways, you knew not to play too much into her games, but she was still your mother. You eventually lose service before you get to the ranch, so you end the call. You try to relax a little before you pull into the driveway as you roll down the windows, enjoying the cool breeze. 

The drive past the ranch gates was quiet; usually, you could see someone out in the pastures. You pull into your regular parking spot and still cannot see anyone around. 

Sassy comes running the house from the direction of the barn, barking at you. She let you give her some quick love but started herding you towards the barn. “Alright, I’m coming,” you say to the dog as you follow her directions. As you come around the side of the house, you see Joel waiting for the two of you to join him with a smirk. 

You noticed he was covered in dirt and sweat when you approached him. His black T-shirt helped hide some dirt, and his large biceps peeked out. His large, dirty hand was wrapped around a cold yellow can of Coors. “Howdy, sweetheart,” he greets you with a gentle hand around your waist, pulling you into a small peck. He didn’t show much affection because Ellie and Tommy sat with him. It all looked like they had a rough day.

“You guys just slacking off and drinking today?” You joked with them as you pulled away from Joel to hug Ellie. You reached up to wipe some dirt off her chin like a mother. Ellie and your relationship was something you worked hard for. She gave you hell, but you won her over reasonably quickly. Her protectiveness over Joel was the biggest obstacle, but she accepted you in her small circle after seeing how you cared for and loved him. 

She jokingly pulls away in disgust, which makes you roll your eyes dramatically. You hear the sound of a cooler opening as you turn towards Tommy, yellow jacket in hand. He nods and gives you a beer, “Evening, city girl. I would hug you, but your old man decided to work my ass off,’’ he jokes with his giant smile and southern drawl. If you had not found Joel and Mariah wasn't in the picture, you could picture yourself with Tommy. You lift your beer to the two men (Ellie is still a senior in high school, but Joel told her she had to wait till she graduated to drink with them) as you all take a sip of the beer. 

“As much as I would love to sit here and drink beer all night. I need to go get ready for my hot date,” Tommy says as he finishes his beer in two big gulps. He lets out a loud belch as he grabs his cooler and puts it in the back of his truck. “I will see you guys in the morning. Call Ellie if you need anything. I will not answer if you call me.” 

You all chuckle as he waves and drives off down the driveway. The three of you all chat while you finish cleaning up the stables; then Ellie says she’s going to her room to shower so she can go into town later. 

Joel gently pulls you into his chest as the two of you watch her walk up to the big house. “You look mighty pretty today, little lady, but you seem tense. Let me help you with that.” He whispers into your ear as he moves your hair. Joel cups one side of your cheek as he pulls into a passionate kiss, pulling away slightly with a smirk and then going back in. He starts kissing down your neck, to the collar of your shirt, and to your ear. His wandering hands move from your waist to your bottom, kneading your ass. He held you still and gently guided you against the wall as he continued to kiss and let his hand wander. 

“I need to,” you stopped, letting out a small moan as he started to move his hands under your shirt. “I need to talk to you about something, Miller.” You couldn’t help but bring it up as it weighed heavy on you. You wanted to go ahead and get it over with, then ride your cowboy from sunset into the night.

Joel quickly stops his movements as his body eases off you gently, his concerned brown eyes meet yours. “What is it, darling?” He asked as he rubbed his hands gently on your hips, his eyes scanning your face for an answer to what could be wrong. 

“My mother called,” you say as you lay your hands on his chest. “She has invited us to dinner on Sunday. Her friend saw us together the other day and spilled the beans. We don’t have to go through.” 

“Why won’t we go? I mean, it’s been a year now,” he rubs your shoulders to reassure you that everything will be okay. “It would be nice to meet the parents who made me my favorite person.”

“She said some ugly things on the phone about our relationship. I made her call me and apologize for it,” you quickly tell him as you bite your lip, waiting for his response. 

He runs his thumb across your cheek as his brown eyes intensely meet yours. “I’m happy that you stood up for us. We can go, baby. I will just blow their socks off with my Southern charm,” he whispers as he kisses your forehead. Joel was insecure about never being good enough for you but never worried about other people’s opinions on your relationship, especially the age gap. 

“I’m sure you will,” you mumble back as you lean into him to give him a heartfelt kiss. “Now, we can resume our activities, cowboy.” 

Sunday evening came too quickly for your liking. You and Joel drove into the city together, and Joel drove your little sedan, which was always cute. You pull into your parent’s driveway with a slight groan escaping your lips. Joel’s hand gently rubbed your thigh, comforting you, “We got this, darling.”

Joel dressed more than usual in a solid button-up shirt rolled up to his forearm with nice dark jeans. You wore a simple dress that made you guys almost late whenever Joel saw you in it. 

Joel takes the lead as he gets out, opens your door, and helps you out of the car. He holds your hand as you both walk up to the door.  You ring the doorbell and look at him quickly with a small smile. He squeezes your hand and slightly winks as the door swings open, revealing your father. 

There is silence as your father awkwardly stares down at Joel, which causes you to stop breathing for a second. Joel breaks the silence as he lets go of your hand and puts it out for your father to shake: “Good evening, sir. I’m Joel Miller.”

Your father glances at his hand and shakes it hard. “Nice to meet you, Joel. Please don’t call me sir; we are too close in age for that. I’m Dave.” He says it almost as a joke and moves out of the way to let you in. You give Joel an eye roll about the comment as he walks in with his hand on the small of your back. 

“Dad, don’t be a dick,” you say as your mother walks into the room. She looks horrid at what you just said but gives Joel a small smile.

“Hello Joel, it’s so nice to meet you finally. I’m Tracy. Our daughter has been keeping you hidden,” she jokes beside your father, then gives you a death glare to behave. The tension in the room was giving you significant anxiety as you fidgeted your fingers as you all walked into the living room. “Would either of you like to drink? Dave could get you a beer or whiskey, whatever you like.” 

Joel looked calm and collected as he sat beside you on the couch. Your mother sat across from the two of you on a decorative chair. “Thank you. I’ll take a whiskey,” Joel responded as he smiled back at your mother. Your father started rambling about his whiskey collection, and Joel entertained it. He was putting that Southern charm to work tonight. 

The tension faded as you all sat at the table in the dining room, which your mother had beautifully decorated for the night. You helped her serve all the food. Joel tried to help, but you told him to return to entertaining your dad. 

As you help your mom in the kitchen, “I like him. I’m sorry that I judged him too early,” she says as she finishes plating the last dish. “I’m happy he makes you happy. I think I was just hurt that you kept it a secret.” 

You smile at your mom as she does a genuine behavior. She was lovely, but she could be very fake with her friends. “I’m happy you like him, Mom. He’s pretty okay,” you joked as you hugged her quickly. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I have no excuse for it.” 

“I can’t blame you either, honey. I didn’t tell my parents about your father until we moved in together. They were pissed when we got married three months later,” she giggles as you carry out plates to the table. 

Everyone starts eating as you all make small talk amongst each other. 

“The dinner is excellent, Tracy. Thank you guys for inviting us over for dinner,” Joel says after he wipes his face off with his napkin and then places it on his lap again. The two of you had been playing footsie under the table all night as you sat across from one another. You also took your shoe off and teased his crotch every once in a while, which caused you to get a stern look from Joel. 

“You are more than welcome, Joel. I’m so happy you guys are here,” your mom says back to him, smiling happily. The southern charm was still heavy as Joel won everyone over more and more, especially your dad—even the discussion of going to a University of Texas football game next season and a visit to the ranch soon. 

“Joel, if you don’t mind me asking, I heard from my friend that you have children. How old are they?” your mom asks as she finishes her meal. She seems genuine with her question, and there are no games. 

“I don’t at all. They are one of my favorite topics to discuss besides your daughter. I have two daughters, Sarah and Ellie. They are both seniors at the high school in the closest town to the ranch. Sarah comes from my previous relationship; her mom left us when she was two. Ellie is my not legally adopted daughter, and she is a spitfire. Ellie’s parents should burn in hell for how they were treating her. Luckily, she and Sarah were close enough for her to say something, and we could help her,” Joel spoke, and it made you want to get emotional as he talked with such love for his girls. They are his world and mean everything to him; he will do everything for them if they let him. 

“Aw, I’m sorry for the hardship of being a single parent. It is hard, I bet,” your mom says as she gives him a small smile. 

“My brother, Tommy, and his wife, Mariah, have been there for me as I am with them. This little lady has been heaven-sent as the girls get older and more challenging. Changing the diapers is easy, but feelings and relationship trouble are more challenging,” Joel jokes as his brown eyes meet yours with a grin. He reached across the table to your hand and held it briefly.  

Dessert was served, and the men drank one more drink as they helped wash the dishes in the kitchen. It was finally time to start heading back home. Your parents walked you out and gave you both hugs and farewells. 

Joel gently held your hand as he walked with you to the side of the car. He helps you in with a squeeze of your ass out of sight of your parents. As Joel pulls the car out of the driveway, you wave back to your smiling parents. 

“They loved you and your charm, handsome,” you look over at him with a smirk. “I think you deserve a reward for your good work.” You slide your hand over his clothed crotch, which earned a low groan from Joel.

“Are you trying to wreck us, darling?” He asks you with a chuckle and bats your hand away from him. “Either wait till we get away from the street lights or get home.”

“What if I didn’t do either,” you teased him as you slowly slid your hand back over his crotch. You bite your lower lip and palm him gently as you bat your eyelashes at him. 

“You better, or your ass is grass when we get home,” he grumbles as he bats your hand away. “You only have to wait ten minutes. I don’t want to get pulled over with my dick out.”

The next ten minutes were full of you teasing Joel as he got more and more sexually frustrated with you. As soon as the city lights went out of sight and pastures started, Joel gave you a stern look. “You have been teasing me all fucking night with that damn dress and your under-the-table activities. You will be punished for that,” he sternly tells you as you get an idea to get yourself out of trouble. 

“Or,” you dramatically drag the R as your hands slide back over to Joel’s clothed erected crotch. “I could reward and ask for your forgiveness now.” You trusted Joel that he could handle driving if you continued to pleasure him, and you would stop if not.

He lets out a shaky breath as you start to unbutton and unzip his jeans. You spit into your hand as you begin to pump his cock in a rhythm that makes him groan loudly. Eventually, after your hand starts to sting, you lean over and take him in your mouth. 

“Fuck, darling,” he lets out as his non-driving hand entangles your hair, gently pushing your head in rhythm as you are going in. “You’re going to make me come, angel.”

You continue to bobble your head down as your tongue glides against him, with some extra pressure applied that causes him to grip your hair a little harder. His quick breaths come a little sooner than you thought. You work him a little harder as you meet his brown eyes with big eyes. 

“I’m about to come, darling. Do you want to swallow?” he asks as he tries to calm down to give you time to answer. You nod and make an agreeing noise as you continue. Shortly, white ropes are shot into your mouth as Joel’s moans meet your ears. “Fuck, good girl.” He reaches down and cups your cheek as you pull up. “Just wait till we get home, little lady.”

“Oh, I can’t wait, sir,” you giggle back as his hand wanders under the skirt of your dress. He runs his thumb over your clothed pussy, which causes you to spread your legs. Joel teases you until you pull into the driveway. 

“You better get inside and on all four in about two minutes,” he warns you as he parks the car with a smirk. 

Luckily, the girls were away at a friend’s house because the two of you had a very energetic night from the couch to the bathroom shower. Joel’s Southern charm worked for him and worked with everyone, especially you. 

thank you for reading!let me know what you think!🤍

[happymeishappylife]

TV Shows I Watched in 2023

1. Atelier

To prove how long and old my watchlist is, this was one of the first jdramas I ever found on Netflix and I finally got around to watching it. But I loved this show. Yes it had its slightly annoying characters and scenes but ultimately the message of the show is that you need to learn to grow and to do that you need to be passionate about what you do. But you also need to take yourself seriously in that journey. So when fresh out of college Mayuko Tokito joins a small company of luxury lingerie, she has a lot of growing to do. But I loved the whole cast and they all go through their own journeys. Plus one of the underlying messages about the lingerie shop was that this wasn't just to sell underwear, it was to make women feel great and special in their own life.

2. Heartstopper (Season 2)

Another great season of this show and I find this such a good adaptation from Alice's comics. Plus the things she has changed from comics to the screen still fit in perfectly to the overall theme and I love the extra side stories we get to explore outside of Nick and Charlie this season. I think Tao and Elle's relationship continues to evolve and grow closer, plus their date at the museum was super cute. Tara's hearbreaking scene with her mom and how that plays out with Darcy is so important to show and handled so well. Plus thank you Alice for creating more awesome and heartwarming Ace representation! I loved Isaac's exploration and discovery of asexuality and love that more and more young people are able to see themselves and identify so much earlier than I did.

3. Old Enough! (Season 2)

I wasn't expecting to get more seasons of this, but I absolutely adore this show. Sure its still the same premise of watching Japanese toddlers run their first errand, but a cool thing they did with these new episodes is they showed videos from 20 years ago (because the show has been running that long in Japan) and then they would flash forward to today to see where that kid was now and see how they react to sending their own kids out to run their errand. It's so cute and heartwarming.

4. Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj (Seasons 1-6)

Hasan Minhaj is smart, charismatic, and hilarious. And I've always appreciated him as a comedian and correspondent on The Daily Show, but he really shined in his own series. What was cool to me too, was while I wasn't watching these at the time they came out, most of the stories and subjects he talked about are still highly relevant and still as impactful as I'm sure they were when they released. And a lot of that has to do with how well presented they were, including the jokes that he had with his audience. Would love to seem him do another show like this, but until then, I'm excited to see his new standup show live.

5. The Dragon Prince (Seasons 1-5)

I knew I was going to love this show when I finally got around to it since it was co-created but Aaron Ehasz, but I didn't know how much until I really dived into this show. I love the story and am actually impressed how much they have been able to tell in just 45 episodes with such a rich premise and cast of characters. The diversity is also fantastic. I absolutely love General Amaya and love that while she is deaf, she is a badass but someone who also adores Queen Jinai. I think the growth with the 3-year story gap was also great because we really got to see the kid trio grow into their roles, especially Ezren who I adore. And honestly after season 1, I thought I would hate Soren forever, but I love this man because is a good hearted weirdo and he's had a lot growth from his family's trauma which is great to see.

6. Jane the Virgin (Seasons 1-3)

I added this show to my watchlist a long time ago and by the time I got to it, I wasn't sure I was going to enjoy it, but its just fun telenovella goodness. I think the over drama of every situation is hilarious, but it also has its tender moments. I think the cast is great and I love how each character goes through these periods of likability to hateable to redeemable and its what is keeping the show pretty fresh now that Mateo has born. My only gripe, I never was a fan of Michael and was sad to see them get married, but definitely didn't expect him to go out like that (if he really is dead, because who knows with a Telenovella). But I've been on team Rafael since the beginning because I honestly think, even when he's made mistakes, it's because the man is trying his best in the shittiest of situations he finds himself in. But honestly, Jane doesn't deserve him now.

7. Doctor Who Christmas Special (2023)

This was a fun return to Christmas specials and I really enjoyed seeing Ncuti in command finally. He's a joy to watch especially because he is already showing the perfect switches of being happily enthusiastic with the love of learning a new alien language, the in command way he handles the police officer and the goblins, but also the same woeful timelord who is still carrying on despite learning his past. I also love Ruby and I'm curious how RTD is going to do a mysterious girl story, though I am a little wary still since I haven't been his biggest fans. But overall its a very solid story.

8. Good Omens (Season 2)

I was curious to see where this show was going to go since their isn't a second book (or a third for that matter!), but I trust Neil at the helm. And the premise was enjoyable and entertaining with great appearances by our favorite characters as they tried to deal with this new issue of Gabriel appearing in Aziriphale's bookshop with no memories. The only thing I didn't like, was even in six short episodes, I felt like it took a while to really get down to the heart of the story and while it was fun to see how hell was responding to the issue, the rest of it dragged a little to me. Still I love the past scenes with Crowley and Aziriphale and understand why the ending happened. Now that its been renewed for a third and final season, it will be interesting to see where it goes.

9. Call the Midwife (Season 12 + 2023 Christmas Special)

Another great season of this beautiful show. I'm still impressed that they can continue to tell heartbreaking and heartwarming stories all these seasons later, but its also great to see the growth of all our favorite characters. Though I am a bit peeved at how they wrote out Lucille and I feel so bad for Cyril because he cares so much for her and I wonder what will happen to him now. Still, I'm so glad to see Trixie so happy and now married to Matthew who is honestly such a great guy. Can't wait to continue seeing what takes place in Nonnatus House as this show always makes me feel things.

10. Miraculous World: Shanghai

Finally getting back into this show now that I have Disney+. So far out of the two specials, this one was more enjoyable because it had way more story and didn't suffer from Marinette's constant cringe. And though it was a shit reason for her to visit her uncle, I know she got a lot more out of Shanghai than she was expecting and not just because Adrien happened to be there. Plus it really highlighted how much heart and how much of a hero she could be and introduced a great character in Fei. And who can go wrong with a superhero trained in kungfu?

Other shows I watched: 11. The David Tennant Specials Part 2 (AKA the Doctor Who "60th Anniversary" Specials) 12. The Flash (Season 10) 13. Hibana Spark 14. Miraculous World: New York 15. Stargirl (Season 3) 16. Explained (Seasons 1-3)

Shows I rewatched in 2023: 1. Doctor Who (Season 19-The Power of the Doctor)

[shelby-love]

BOBBY NASH

Life as Cap's Daughter

Requested: yes

Author's note: I got a little carried away, but I wanted to DELIVER FROM POINT A (LOWEST) TO POINT B (BEST) PART OF HIS LIFE. Kept it realistic as possible plus it’s very long SO BEWARE

P.S. you can kind of see how my love for the man just SPILLED ... aka I kind of lost it and just hammered the numbers. It shows how unexperienced I am at these <3

Requests for 9-1-1 are OPEN

Headcanon

Bobby had you before Marcy and Athena were a part of his life

You were his little everything

The food he fed you growing up…

You would tell people that your dad's a chef, and not a firefighter

You thought a chef was a better job! You were four…

With your mom out of the picture it was just you and your dad for a big part of your childhood

He baby proofed the entire house

Balled his eyes out when he walked you to school for the very first time

When he met Marcy you were roughly around 8, but the two of you got along very well right off the bat

Even though he's a quiet, withdrawn man that likes to keep to himself, you were the one who brought out his witty side

He was very proud when you showed an interest in ice skating, it quickly became 'your thing' and Bobby loved that you inherited that from him

He's at all of your performances! 

He catches you every time no matter the situation

You loved Robert Jr. and Brook very much too, considering them your siblings without a doubt

You helped change their diapers, practically raised them with Marcy and your dad

Family dinners with Bobby's marvelous cooking – a must!

Bobby was very overprotective when you entered your teen years so thank god for Marcy (she was a saint)

He'd invite your date over and drill him while eating the nicest foods he prepared with extra caution

"Dad, that was a bit too much…"

"You think? I didn't even get to scratch the surface."

"Okay, honey, let her go have fun."

Marcy and the kids were there for you when your dad started to go south because of his injury

"Dad where are you going?"

"I'll be back soon. Don't worry about me."

For a moment you considered if life with him was even worth it

Wanting to finish high school as soon as possible just so you could get away from his lies was your darkest thought

But he is your father, and no one could change that

The fire though... It was the most heartbreaking moment of your life

You were out, so you weren't on the scene

But you wished you were at some point

You couldn't look at him after that

Went through the roughest time of your life

It felt like you jumped through time because you two were alone again

But that made you treasure each other more than anything

You watched him at his lowest and supported him when he started to get better

"Dad, please don't give up."

I don't think Bobby would be able to get through the trauma if it weren't for you

Not even his notebook was enough to keep him together – you were the glue

That's why making a fresh start in L.A. felt great

You two settled quickly; you giving in more effort than he did at first

Because you're smart like your father you got into a very very very good college in L.A.

"At least something's working out for once."

"Hey don't say that."

"But dad... It's true!"

When he told you, he was in station 118 you stalked researched them

Found out the address, looked at the place from outside using Google Street View

That kinda thing

"But dad. I'm just looking out for you!"

"I know. Thank you for that."

There's a lot of buts

But dad this but daaaad that

You're very annoying when you want to be

The two of you lived together, since you didn't trust him enough to move out and live on campus

He didn't bring you to the firehouse until he was 100% sure

No scratch that: until he was 100000% sure, you weren't stepping foot on the grounds of that station

When you did meet them, you loved Hen instantly

You wanted to come back just for her

Chimney was a bit awkward

He didn't know how to act around you

You were 18 but since you were Cap's daughter he didn't know if he had to treat you like you were 8 or not

Hen didn't have that problem obviously

She was so easy going you loved her instantly

Bobby has eyes everywhere when you're at the station

MEETING BUCK WAS HORRIBLE

Your dad was breathing down on your neck when you came to the firehouse one day and Buck 1.0 was working there (just started)

HE HIT ON YOU IT WAS HORRIBLE YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

Neither did he once he found out

That was the day Bobby fired him bc he did the nasty with that lady in the firetruck

You came by like, "Hi, I'm Y/N nice to meet you Evan."

And then suddenly you had to go like, "Bye Ev- Buck… It was nice knowing you."

Buck went home that day – pride demolished

"Did you really have to do that dad?"

"I said three strikes, and he's out. He didn't listen."

Why didn't you come earlier? Surely you could have given Buck some great tips

"Oh, well."

Buck came back!

You became friends after that. Had a teasing relationship, never looked at each other the other way after that day

Y/N + Buck = BFF

You'd joke about your first tragic meeting and you’d go out with him when he was going through a dark time because of Abby

You didn’t drink, he did

Everyone loves you OBVIOUSLY

You're Cap's daughter I MEAN WHAT IS THERE TO SAY?

Eddie came too! Eventually.

You fell in love with him instantly

But you love his son even more than him

You'd take care of him whenever you had time and Eddie was busy working

You learned more facts about the world from little Christopher than from your own father

You often came by to eat lunch at the station because that's where your dad ‘the cook’ was

Maddie and you hit it off very well and became close friends

NOW MEETING ATHENA FOR THE FIRST TIME…

Your mouth was on the floor

She was so goddess like you were smitten by her

So, your dad and her announcing their relationship to you wasn't a surprise

You and Hen won the bet

Became close with May and Harry too although it was hard not to picture them as Brook and Robert at first

After your dad and Athena got married you finally felt as if you could breathe

Knowing that your dad was safe and sound, you moved over to campus but still had your own room at Athena's place

You go there every weekend

You're essential to the party planning

Even though you're a perfect little young adult you're ready to pull out the "My step-mom's a sergeant" card

A huge party was thrown for your 21st birthday

I'm talking BIG BIG BIG

Buck and you got drunk

Your dad got drunk too

Life turned around for the better although some pieces of past tragedies still lingered

You've let go of people but you and your dad also grew and healed enough to let new people into your lives

No one knows what life has in store for you two, but you both know it will be good

As long as you have each other

He's your pillar, and you are his in return, that's how it's always been

"I love you dad."

"I love you too kiddo."

~

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[phoenixyfriend]

I’ve been trying to figure out the best obi wan ship. They all have one slightly problematic thing this way or that. I’ve landed on the idea of obi wan and an equal is pretty top tier. But then I saw a picture of Coran from voltron. Coran and Obiwan might be a disaster but also both are dad shaped, both are bad ass, both are ginger, both have an accent. I think it could work. But another part of me is like Coran is just obi and jarjar mashed together. At the very least they hooked up.

Hey I just had restaurant ramen and Starbucks and actually feel like a human being so let's do something unnecessary but funny. I'm taking this as a challenge, anon.

Also IMO Coran has more in common with C3P0 than with JarJar

So obviously, both of these happen in Big Space, but the difference appears to be density. We see about the same complexity of culture and species interactions, but Voltron covers more galaxies. It's vaguely implied that Earth, at least, is the only planet with sapient life in the Milky Way.

I think the way I want to play this out, culturally, is that the Voltron area of the universe covers a much wider, but much more sparsely populated area, while the SW-verse is just the one very densely populated (in part because apparently humans just went Literally Everywhere) galaxy, where they didn't necessarily bother with developing the tech to go to other galaxies (except Rishi, which only sort of counts) because they haven't really even charted out their own yet. It was never contacted by the Voltron side of things because [checks notecards full of excuses] it's really far away from Altea and all that, and the Force shielded the galaxy from Galra interests because Reasons.

All this to say that the two franchises didn't interact until after the Voltron plotline was already over. We'll say it went mostly canon, except Allura survived because uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck that.

We'll say that this is mid-TCW, you know, before Obi-Wan is a bundle of repressed traumas and bad coping mechanisms that's lost almost everyone he's ever loved to the dark side through death or corruption. He's still (mostly) okay! Anakin's not dark (or at least, not as dark as he could be; Obi-Wan doesn't know about the Tuskens), and Ahsoka's still in good standing and most people are alive and--and okay the army is a massive ethical violation he hates with his very soul and he misses Qui-Gon and Anakin's keeping secrets and pulling away from him every day but He's Fine, Guys.

He's Fine.

In comes a ship from not Wild Space, but beyond that. Intergalactic visitors, from the direction of the deeply concerning Force bullshit they felt a few years ago. Translation tech is decent enough on both sides that they get to talking pretty quickly. The explorer is actually a member of the Blade of Marmora, who gets the absolute most basic info (approximately this many inhabited planets, approximately this many trillions of sapients in the recorded galaxy, basic structure of the government for the past however many years, most recent conflict, etc.)

BoM person is like "cool, okay so you guys are really well set-up so I'm just gonna head back and kick this up a few rungs of the coalition ladder because this is way above my paygrade, I'll make sure you get some diplomats who can maybe help out with the whole galactic civil war situation as neutral parties."

The Voltron Coalition does send a diplomat! They, uh, also send Coran, who isn't technically a diplomat, but he's high-level.

The thing is, okay, that Coran is mostly just... passably competent at things. He's a jack of all trades, master of none type. He knows a lot of things, actually, but his practical knowledge in high pressure situations tends to be up in the air. He knows how to fix the Castle Ship and various technologies, but all of that info is ten thousand years out of date. He was a competent fighter at one point but these days his back gives out. He's very knowledgeable regarding intergalactic politics but, again, that information is ten thousand years out of date. He's also a little prone to social gaffs in dicey situations (e.g. the inciting incident in the Voltron Show episode where he misses the single day with clear skies), but puts in so much goddamn effort to make things happen.

In this manner, he's like a warped mirror of what Obi-Wan is and could be.

THAT SAID

Coran is actually really good with teenagers, and specifically with training them.

And Obi-Wan... isn't.

Obi-Wan's snarky and snippy and sassy, and he's decent enough at teaching and he's great at being a jokey friend and all, but he's not necessarily very good at emotions. And unfortunately for Obi-Wan, the teenagers he spends the most time with are Really Full Of Emotions. He tries, bless him, but he's just... he doesn't respond well to emotional conversations at the best of times.

His son-figure saying "You're like a father to me" leads to a response of... radio silence. Guys. That's not the mark of a man who knows how to talk about his feelings with the people he cares about.

In swans Coran with the various other diplomatic envoys of the visiting extragalactic community. The entire situation is really leading to a lull in the war because nobody wants to risk pissing off this clearly well-funded, well-powered third party. As a result, many of the High Generals can interact with the envoys, even if they spend quite a bit of time eyeing the Separatist representatives on the other side of the room, because clearly Everyone Needs A Seat At This Table.

It's a very tense situation.

Obviously, Coran is exactly the weird uncle that goes around telling plausibly-exaggerated stories about Weblums and Yalmors and Balmeras. I'm going to say at least one former Paladin is there, maybe Hunk. Hunk's fun, and also very willing to help Coran make friends and seem Amicable instead of Distant by correcting some of the exaggerations. There's a nice, calm atmosphere in a bubble around Coran and his nonsense, and it's a weird situation but arguably just... you know. It's good. He's good at making people feel safe around him.

Cue the hissed argument between Skywalker and Kenobi. The actual cause of said argument isn't important, just the fact that, in a dark corner where they're less likely to cause a PR issue, Anakin and Obi-Wan are having it out. Anakin's maybe twenty, still a lanky ragebaby, all that fun stuff. Obi-Wan is a the endpoint of every too-young brotherdad. He's thirty-six but feels like he's sixty-three. He's tired, but trying so damn hard to still connect with Anakin and just--just--

Obi-Wan gives himself a few minutes to calm down before following Anakin. He doesn't even remember what they were arguing about, really, but he has to mend the bridge before it frays even more than it already has. If Anakin goes to Palpatine for advice again, he's going to... do something. Obi-Wan isn't sure what, but he just has to fix this.

What he finds is... well, Anakin did end up going to vent to a man of an earlier generation who acts like a slightly eccentric older relative, but it's not Palpatine for once.

The goofy, slightly abrasive but mostly charming, brightly-colored representative of the Voltron Coalition is standing in the little balcony that Anakin's made it to, listening as Obi-Wan's recently-knighted padawan vents. The man nods and makes noises at the appropriate times, and then asks questions that are... maybe a little too accurate.

"You said that you view him as a father, that he raised you after you left your mother."

"Well, yeah, but he doesn't think I'm ready, or--"

"No parent ever does."

"...my mom thought I was ready to become a Jedi."

"I can't speak for your mother," the representative says, "but the princess of my people, Allura... I half-raised that girl from the beginning, and after the destruction of Altea, we were all the other had left. I watched her lead battles and bring life to planets, trying to rebuild a universe out of the ashes of what we'd left behind... I saw the evidence with my own eyes, and I still, every time, I worried for her."

"Why?"

"I worried that she'd be hurt, that she wasn't ready, that she'd make a decision she regretted. Often, she did, and I had to help her back up, and while she's always come back, stronger than before... she is the closest thing I have ever had to a daughter, and I will always worry for her. Every parent does. Do you think, perhaps, that your own Jedi Master, that you consider a father, may worry because he looks at you like a son? That it's not that he doesn't trust you, but that he doesn't trust the world around you?"

Obi-Wan feels his heart in his throat.

The conversation continues in that vein. While Obi-Wan can't say he likes the fact that this stranger is putting words in his mouth, if only as hypotheticals, he can't deny that there's a part of him that relaxes as Anakin does, as every frustrated fresh-knight question gets a measured elderly-steward response that's angled to consider the interpretation that favors Anakin and Obi-Wan in equal measure. Every word encourages Anakin to talk things out and lay boundaries and express his frustrations to Obi-Wan in the plainest words possible.

There's a story in there, more than one. The representative tends to go off on tangents, ones that Anakin sometimes finds interesting and sometimes just resigns himself to. Mostly, though, it goes well, and Obi-Wan... well, he's always been 'a nosy little bastard,' according to quite a few people.

(In his defense, the terms they'd used about Quinlan's 'investigative personality' had been quite a bit stronger.)

He eavesdrops to the end, and Anakin doesn't notice at all. Obi-Wan's not sure if he should try to address Anakin's lack of awareness of the world around him. He's not technically Anakin's master anymore. The comment may be taken as a criticism of his worth and capability, rather than a sincere desire to see his padawan not die.

He approaches the representative instead. He intends to introduce himself. Instead, the first words that tumble out of his mouth are:

"How do you do it?"

The man--older than he looks from a distance, more wrinkles than the bright hair would suggest, but not quite elderly yet--turns and lifts a brow. "Hm?"

"I'm sorry, I'm--" Obi-Wan grimaces. "I'm Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. The young man you were just talking to is my former padawan, er, my former apprentice. I've been finding it harder and harder to speak with him over the past few years, and it seems that every interaction we have leads to an argument. How do you... manage that? I can't get him to listen to me at all."

"Ah, teenagers," the man sighs.

"He's twenty."

The representative pauses, and turns to him. "Are you the one he says raised him? The father?"

"Well... yes, I suppose that's one way to phrase it," Obi-Wan says, eyes darting to the side. He doesn't know how to explain the whole attachment situation to someone who barely knows what a Jedi is. He has even less of an idea of how to explain his own broken ability to speak of emotion, the parts of his mind that Bant clucks over and attributes to his own complicated relationship with Qui-Gon. "I had custody as his primary guardian from ages nine to nineteen and was the primary individual for handling his schooling, health, and general upbringing."

"That sounds to me like a very convoluted way of saying you were his father in all but name."

Obi-Wan grimaces. "I'm not exactly old enough to be his father, and I wasn't exactly the person he was supposed to learn from; I was the... back-up option."

"It seems he cares for you very much."

"He didn't have much of a choice," Obi-Wan says, with the kind of helpless smile and awkward shrug he's long gotten used to sharing with people when they ask. "And I assure you he'd have been happier with the man that was meant to teach him."

"I'd say that the 'would have' in this situation is much less important than what is," the representative says. Obi-Wan probably should have paid more attention to his name. "I wasn't in a position to define my relation to Allura or her father in the way that truly suited our situation, by... oh, tradition, social norms, public relations, take your pick. I was a very well-regarded official, of course, but I wasn't royalty, not even nobility, and I certainly wasn't wasn't legally or publicly part of the family. But for all the limitations there, I was still able to find ways to tell her and her family what they meant to me, and they in return. Your apprentice cares for you very much, and I'm sure you care back, but I'd hazard quite the guess that you've no idea how to tell him that."

"I... I shouldn't," Obi-Wan says. "I'm fond of him, of course, but I've no wish to smother him, and to simply say it would be undignified. I imagine he'd laugh in my face."

The representative raises one eyebrow and takes a sip of his drink.

"Master Kenobi," he says carefully. "Might I suggest you go find your young man, tell him you love him, and perhaps give him a hug?"

Obi-Wan's face flares red. It's been years since anyone short of Yoda has spoken to him like that.

"I'm not a child," he sniffs, trying to angle enough away that the blush isn't as noticeable. He's damnably prone to such things. "You're not that much older than me."

The man laughs, and Obi-Wan lifts his glass to his lips in a futile attempt to hid the embarrassment a little more. "Oh, not counting the stasis, I've well reached the age of six hundred and twenty-four, my boy!"

Obi-Wan chokes on his drink.

The man laughs a little more, but thumps him on the back until he's breathing normally again.

"Yes, most of the humans I've told have had quite the reaction!" the representative assures him. "But yes, even with the times adjusted to what any given local year is, I am significantly longer-lived than most species."

"No kidding," Obi-Wan manages. He wipes at his mouth with the back of his hand and looks over at the representative. He takes in the wrinkles and bright eyes, and says, "Well, I must say you look very well for a near-human of such an age. I can only name one person in that category that has managed better, and I haven't seen her since I was a child."

"I shall take that as the compliment it's intended to be," the representative says, twisting the edge of his mustache and beaming.

The man is... well, goofy, really, and quite a bit older than Obi-Wan had thought, but he's quite the charmer. Obi-Wan faintly compares him to a few different people in the back of his mind, but nothing quite fits. For all that the man is quite the jokester and--going by some things he'd seen from the corner of his eye in the main party--a master of physical comedy, the representative is actually more competent than he looks, and for all his visible age, not bad to look at. He is also, seemingly, an expert in dealing with teenagers and young adults, something Obi-Wan himself is... decidedly not.

He really should go speak with Anakin.

And there's a war to fight.

He doesn't really have much time, even with the recent lull.

He's in no place to be looking at the clean-shaven jaw and wondering what it would feel like under his lips, or to let himself consider whether this man would be the kind to have an hours-long discussion as to the narrative forms common in other galaxies, and whether they have anything paralleled to those in Obi-Wan's own, or if this man would show the same enthusiasm over teas that he'd shown over the hors d'oeuvres inside.

He should... really go find Anakin.

"I suppose it's time to find my padawan," he says, more to fill the air than anything. "Er... thank you, both for speaking with him, and for speaking with me."

"Not a problem at all, Master Kenobi!" the representative says, and Obi-Wan realizes that there's one last thing he may have... forgotten.

"This is terribly embarrassing, but I don't believe I caught your name?" Obi-Wan says.

"Coran Hieronymus Wimbleton Smythe, at your service!" the man says, with a sweeping bow. "As you can imagine, most simply call me Coran."

"Then I insist you call me Obi-Wan," he says, and before he can stop himself, "Might I bother you with an invitation to a shared tea time? You seem a knowledgeable fellow, and I'd appreciate the chance to... eh, pick your brain, shall we say."

It's not the smoothest come on he's ever put out there, or the most easily interpreted, but... well. Perhaps it's for the best. He's rather often found his tastes going in irresponsible directions, and it'll be much easier to brush this off without diplomatic incident if there's room for Coran to politely ignore the less platonic options.

Obi-Wan hopes he doesn't.

It's very selfish of him, but a dalliance with an older gentleman... well. He does, perhaps, make such irresponsible decisions, even now.

"I do believe I'd enjoy such a thing!" Coran enthuses, grabbing Obi-Wan's hand and shaking it in large, effusive movements.

Oh, this is a terrible idea, Obi-Wan thinks, even as he exchanges comm numbers and says goodbye.

Still.

He likes the idea of having at least a little fun, sedate or less so, while they have some time to themselves.

[everything-laito]

Hypersexuality and Laito Sakamaki (UPDATED)

Hiya guys! Been a long ass time since I’ve made a post like this, I’ve been getting so much ask box activity + had school so I haven’t had the time to make an original post! This has been something I wanted to write for a while, and not only was I busy with school, but this one hits home hard to me personally, so I was going back and forth for a bit writing it. But I think I’m ready :)

I know there’s kind of a general consensus that anything DL related comes along with a trigger warning whether stated or not, but just a TW considering I’ll be talking about some real life experiences; not in depth or detail of course, but just mentions of it :) Not only is this a Laito analysis but it’s also an educational tool to help other people know about this!

So, without further ado, rant under the cut! 

Hypersexuality is something that many sexual assault/harassment and rape survivors experience after the abuse. People associate asexuality or sexual repulsion as the only (or common) psychological affect after experiencing those situations. However, there is another affect that can happen, and it is more common than people think, and aforementioned, it’s hypersexuality. It’s basically having more sexual feeling and urges after the experience, in order to cope with the nonconsensual one. And it’s exactly what Laito experienced after Cordelia’s abuse.

I’ve also experienced something like this. I don’t believe I’ve experienced it in full swing, but definitely something like it. I haven’t been raped thankfully, but I have been sexually harassed/assaulted before a handful of times. I know I’ve briefly mentioned that in other analyses, but I’m just explicitly stating it here.

I first learned about hypersexuality this year actually, and my Laito nerd brain was like “holy shit that’s the name of what Laito is going through.” Then I was like “oh fuck I’ve gone through that a little bit too.” I thought going along with  would help me “heal” myself, and it really was doing the opposite. (UPDATE: realized that what I thought was a lot of sexual trauma/hypersexuality was mostly compulsory heterosexuality (but still with those dabbled in too—quite a terrible combo) because last month I realized I’m not attracted to men! Although those experiences I mentioned did mess me up a bit, realizing this is a huge step in the right direction for my own mental well being. Just had to make this correction on my part, since the original post had more emotional investment than I would have liked it to :)) 

Like I have said in my little update, I realized I was going through mostly compulsory heterosexuality while also going through some minor sexual trauma/hypersexuality. Although again, I have not had it as bad as Laito has or other sexual assault survivors (which I am grateful for that), I still have a personal grasp of coping mechanisms with traumatic experiences or experiences I did not particularly enjoy. (If you are interested in learning more about compulsory heterosexuality, feel free to send me an ask! I just don’t feel that it’s appropriate to talk about it in regards to Laito or make a post about it, since it doesn’t relate to him)

And that’s probably also why I can resonate with Laito so much, at least on that scale, and even if I experienced a grain of what he’s going through. I know he’s fictional but these are definitely real experiences and real feelings. 

Laito’s case is a bit different than just feeling overtly sexual. Although he’s trying to heal himself through sex and other intimate actions, he’s also doing it as a type of revenge. He doesn’t like purity, and in fact, he’s quite jealous of it. I’ve heard this is also a pretty human way of coping with this type of abuse, and it is why I love Yui as a character. She’s incredibly strong and sets an example for Laito. This makes Laito jealous yet entertained by her, and that’s also a reason why he probably keeps her around. He also attempts to use Yui as a vessel to avenge his own feelings (even not knowing about Cordelia being in her at first). I  personally wasn’t like that, but given the circumstances, there’s definitely people who are. Laito’s character can be so human to me sometimes, its astonishing, despite him being a character, a vampire, and just generally does some wacky or terrible shit. 

You could say his hypersexuality could also be similar to typical Pavlovian Conditioning. You’ve probably heard of the whole experiment of training (conditioning) a dog to expect food when they hear a certain sound and thus, his mouth waters. We’re conditioned by a lot of things in our lives, from triggering a “flight or fight” response from this specific ringtone or high school bell. It’s just a built in “routine” our minds utilize to process pattern recognition. I know I say this a lot, but we don’t know how vampire brains in the DL universe compare to human brains (and quite frank, I don’t think we will), so I will just do my typical human brain picking. 

In Laito’s case, he was conditioned to “love” Cordelia in a fashion that was incredibly gross. No, I won’t sugar coat it. In my Cordelia/Laito analysis, I talk about how Laito was probably groomed. Grooming is another type of conditioning. Although I don’t believe his grooming was sexual, it definitely “prepares” the victim to be exploited in that fashion later on. It’s to build a false sense of trust to be betrayed. Later on, when Cordelia started having sex with Laito, he became used to it in a “conditioned” fashion. When someone said that Cordelia was calling him, he knew what it was. He also thought it’s what he wanted, even though he knew that he didn’t. I believe I have referenced his MB Dark Prologue monologue before, but not this part of it. Here’s the monologue: 

――Who is it that I give my love to? Throwing myself away, I caught the sight of someone Someone I didn’t recognize, Suddenly, I realized I was looking into a mirror. The mirror reflected myself within it. I couldn’t see anything else. I am disgraceful for this greed. I was wearing a visage. What I wanted, certainly was love. It’s not that easy. Because of these words, I suffer. No matter how many times love is said, The only thing that will be important to me, Is only the physical contact and body.

I know I've said it in the Laito/Cordelia analysis, but Laito is visibly confused in his flashbacks. He’s trying to grasp what love is, but then convinces himself that love is physical contact, and not emotional connection, especially near the end. He knows he’s suffering but he is still conditioned to think like this. Same case for people who suffer from hypersexuality. 

Although many people do not know why it occurs, it can be a symptom or “side effect” from disorders, medication, and the like. In the sexual trauma case, I believe a main reason is that the person utilizes sex to cope with trauma, or because they are used to sexual acts being forced upon them. That’s where conditioning still comes in. He’s treated as one of her suitors, lovers, or the like. Even as a stand-in for Richter and Karlheinz. He doesn’t consider Cordelia to be his mom until the DF Vampire ending. On top of him not receiving emotional gratification which leads to all sorts of just awful stuff for him, sexual attention is the only type that he receives until Yui comes along. He is used to not having emotional support or connections, which is why physical contact is what he is more “comfortable” with, while at the end of the day it still does not satisfy him.  

It creates a positive feedback loop of him being unsatisfied, while being confused about where he’s unsatisfied in, leading to him trying to “fix” himself or avoid his own personal, emotional problems through lust and sex, but then still finding himself not “healing.” Then the cycle continues, enthusing his hyper sexual behavior even more.

I was sent some great articles from @souchiika on the DL discord (thank you so much!) and one of the articles stood out to me, since I did not talk about this type of topic on this blog yet. Here’s the link to the article, and here’s the quote that stood out to me!

Furthermore, indirect effects were also statistically significant, providing support to the hypothesis that depression and guilt would be serial mediators of trauma-hypersexual behavior relations. The paths through depression and guilt have been found to be the most significant with moderate and high indirect effects on hypersexuality. Moreover, male gender, as covariate variable, is a relevant risk factor for hypersexual behavior.

Hypersexuality is something that is still being researched like I mentioned earlier, but since these findings came out, it definitely makes sense in Laito’s case (and in general). Like I said, Laito does feel unsatisfied and even shameful of his actions, which is more apparent in the beginning of his and Cordelia’s “relationship.” In those flashbacks, he asks himself if this is what he really wants, and although he attempts to force himself to like these actions as a coping mechanism, there is still a relative degree of shame and guilt he has. It is also apparent nearing his DF Ecstacy ending when he finds out that Karlheinz foresaw Cordelia having sex with him, and even wanted it to happen. All that shame and guilt came bellowing out while he was in a fit of distress. In initial attempts to mediate this guilt and shame, he projected his feelings onto other women through sexual acts, leading to more of this hypersexual loop. I know I talk about Laito projecting a lot, but it is frequent in his character. Like I’ve always said, it’s typical “bully” power dynamic manipulation. If Laito can bring a victim of his down to his level, then he feels better about himself (but it satisfies him for only a short while, until Yui in MB+). 

Also, note that this is no excuse or justification for him to rape or sexually assault others. It is merely an explanation as to why he does it (as for my posts in general, it’s not a justification, it’s an explanation). 

Another reminder that rape and sexual assault isn’t about the sexual urges, but about power. That’s why anybody with any background can do it, given the circumstances. 

This post was a bit hard for me to write, so I apologize if I got too overtly personal for your liking. Like I’ve said in the past, I’m not writing this to gain sympathy too, and sure that sounds superficial of me to say now (although I truly mean it), I just want to use my platform as an educational tool. Sorry about the change in my typical tone :) 

Sorry if this was too much of a doozy, I really wanted to talk about it and to educate people, despite it being a bit personal. I just felt like the most effective way was to convey how real this topic is, despite this fandom knowing about it in a fictional setting. 

I hope you have a great day! -Corn

[dragonherder2030]

So I watched Raya and the Last Dragon-

I honestly was very disappointed with the movie as a whole. I LOVE dragons and main movies and media just doesn’t have much of them that I have seen. So when I saw that Disney was making a movie about and staring a dragon character, I got very excited. I had loved the design for Sisu when she was just a concept art

She was much more colorful and had a very different face, a more regional face. She is definitely more water dragony compared to the actual final draft design. And she is just overall prettier in my opinion.

Spoilers under this point

Another thing is the continuity and main logic of the movie. In the beginning of the movie it is practically about 15 minutes of exposition. It tells that apparently all the dragons are water dragons, every single one since they all look the same, but that there were multiple dragons in the past. These evil creatures made of human greed or whatever started attacking humans, and well I guess other things but the humans primarily. When attacked, they pass through the human and either take or freeze their spirit or something I don’t remember exactly, but the person becomes stone. So the dragons being the most powerful creatures in the world, they tried to fight the things. The dragons were also turned to stone, all but one, The Mighty Sisu. In the exposition it says that she compiled all her magic into the orb, and used it to destroy the things and turn everyone back from stone. Except the dragons. Do they ever explain why it didn’t turn the dragons back to alive? No it does not, it absolutely does not, but ho boy there is SO much more. Later in the exposition, the dragon gem gets broken into 5 pieces, one for each of the tribes. And they each possess a piece of the gem now. So, when the gem gets broken, all the evil creatures from the very beginning just, come back! This is never explained- nothing is ever explained in this movie it was just made for the funnies I GUESS. This movie feels like a really bad book adaption HONESTLY. And at the end of the movie when everyone comes back because it’s a kids movie, it’s just AHHGH everyone is happy now all the dragons come back and everything is dandy. But why didn’t the dragons come back in the beginning? The whole moral of the movie is “Trust good”. Seriously that’s it. And when they put the dragon gem back together at the end everyone is like “oh wow we need to trust each other and that’s how the magic will WoRk”. But explained earlier when we hear Sisu’s whole backstory is that when SHE did the magic fix she trusted her siblings the most that she had in that moment, SO TELL ME WHY DIDN’T IT WORK!!?? It makes no sense to me at least maybe I’m just missing something. But it annoys me so much, nothing makes sense in this movie. Another theory I have is that there were 3 writers. Each assigned to a seperate story arc, one to the beginning exposition thing, one to the middle main part, and one to the climax and final bits of the movie. The thing is, the writers only vaguely know what the past ones did XD.

The next problem I have is with the actual magic and formulation of dragons, as well as what the heck is up with the dragon gem. But don’t worry, I have at least 2 more problems with this movie. So as Sisu gets more and more of the dragon gem shards, she gains new powers. But do you know why? Because APPARENTLY when the gem broke into the 5 pieces, the magic of her individual siblings who gave their magic to the gem was separated perfectly. Ok that may not make much sense. But when we see Sisu’s backstory it shows that her oldest brother made the gem, then each sibling except Sisu put their special magic into the gem. So then, when it broke, the individual gem pieces only had the 1 type of magic in them? Excuse me what? That doesn’t make sense, if I make a cake, then I won’t cut it up and get only egg from one slice, then a bunch of sugar from another slice. It’s just- really bad and they could have fixed it by just- not having the siblings at all. They so easily could have been written out of the story, instead Sisu could have no magic when she is brought back, which she practically has none, her “magic” is that she is a strong swimmer. But then as she gets the pieces she gains back parts of her original magic, that would have been more indering then the siblings. Now the second part of this is the actual powers. Ok, which sounds like more of a power, being able to glow, or being able to fly around by walking on raindrops. The second one right? Well, ThEY aRe BoTh COsIdeReD MaGIc iN tHiS UniVErSe. All the powers that Raya aquires from the dragon gem pieces is being able to do the glow, being able to shape shift into a human, and being able to walk on the rain. Now, that isn’t even the part I’m the most mad about. At the end of the movie when all the dragons come back, THEY ALL CAN WALK ON THE RAIN. LIKE WHAT!? I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE OLDER BROTHER’S MAGIC TYPE! Do you get what I mean by this movie having no continuity? At the end of the movie, Sisu was killed by evil cat lady, and all the dragons come back walking on the rain and just- resurrect her. Ok, I guess that could be explained away as all the magic beings being magical, but I still don’t like how easily they did it. Yet another thing is that Sisu can make a bunch of magical smoke, well not magical but it’s really shimmery and thick, that’s not explained, she just can do it.

Let’s talk about the relationships in this movie. I hate them. No ones characters are developed on or improved except for maybe cat lady- I need to find her name somewhere, but except for Namarii is her name, her and Raya. Namarii’s big stitch is, I don’t even know just not being the most evil person? Either that or the same trust thing, which would mean that her and Raya have the same character arc. Raya in the beginning of the movie is explained to be the daughter of the chef of clan Heart, one of the most prosperous out of the 5 clans. They at the start of the movie had the dragon gem, and the father guy, he invited every other clan over to have a big feast or whatever. So when they get there, young Namarii, all this is happening when Raya is like, 9 I think, but Namarii and Raya become friends over fangirling for Sisu. Namarii has a necklace of Sisu that she gives to Raya. And side note, they act as though Sisu isn’t the SAVIOR OF THIER LANDS, but she’s some really good singer. Well I guess they have to connect to all those youngsters out there with an obsession and that rElATaBlE moment when you fInD AnOTheR oF tHiEr kInD. That just triggered me. But since Namarii is such a big fan of Sisu, Raya, after being shown to be VERY offensive about the idea of the other tribes coming, just decides to show Namarii the dragon gem! But uh oh, twist, Namarii is actually bad oh noooo and everyone comes up and starts to fight over the dragon gem. Then it shatters and the evil things come back. So Raya and her dad are trying to escape, her dad had been injured from fighting an arrow to the leg, but the things are repelled by water. So what does the dad do? He yeets the child into a river(they are on a bridge at this point) after having a minute long conversation with her. Like, could he not just tip himself off to? But hey we have to give them characters angsty backstorys amiright? It’s just so stupid the character motives. So like, Idk 12 years pass by or something since Raya is an adult now. She actually has a pretty emotional prayer type thing to Sisu when she is trying to resurrect her to save the world. This movie has a few ups that I will put at the end. So let’s talk about Sisu now, ho boy, she is the “oh everything will be fixed with hugs and kisses”. You know what this is, this is the same exact dynamic that Poppy and Branch went through during Trolls movie! The exact same dynamic! HECK Disney couldn’t even get original personalities. Sisu blindly trusting everything gets them into wacky situations and causes some conflict between Raya and Sisu but BARELY ANY. And Sisu just seems like- really innocent, she’s oblivious all the time. She’s this ancient beast and she just has the most generic personality and I loath it. Namanii is actually someone I liked. She seemed like the most real character until the very end, just, the blindly “oh everything is alright now and I’m fine with everyone now trauma doesn’t exist”. Also on that point, apparently trauma doesn’t exist in this world, because Sisu lost every single one of her siblings, and just, doesn’t show any sign of grieving or remorse she just doesn’t give a thought to them. Except for the backstory bit but she just doesn’t seem to care. Also just a side note, none of those side characters are developed at all and just there for practically comic relief. The whole resolution of the movie is them putting the gem together and then all “hugging” each other and wow look at that it worked. *inhales* and then when Sisu comes back, she has the most emotionally dead response to Raya, none of the character reuniting is good. You know, if you have seen storks, that near end montage where all the babies are brought to the people? Yeah, that was 100% better then the resolutions of Raya and the Last Dragon. One scene that ticked me off so much was when that ninja baby was reunited with her parents, the mom, oh my gosh, she looked as if she had just found an old purse she misplaced. She did not look- ah I can’t even put it into words just look up the clip to get it.

That’s all that I have to say about the movie, I probably have more somewhere but honestly I couldn’t put it into words. Now, you know, I have to give this movie a few good opinions. The movie looked amazing, great character design(except for the dragons I dispose them) and everything looks gorgeous. As well as the animal design, I wish I could have seen more animals honestly they all looked really interesting and unique.

Sorry this post was so long I just wanted to put my opinions out there.

[bi-the-way-i-love-bunnies]

(And they were roommates au)

Drarry drabble ~ 10/21

“What the fuck?” 

Harry glanced at the paper in his hand before checking the room number again. Yep, this was it. No mistaking it then. An equally confused Malfoy looked up from where he was unpacking before scowling at him. 

“Potter,” he acknowledged, “What in Merlin’s name are you doing here?” 

“You’re Drew Black?” Harry couldn’t help but blurt out. 

Drew Black, a student majoring in psychology, just like him. At least that’s what his form had told him. He’d also be Harry’s roommate for the next school year. Crap. 

“Yes Potter,” Malfoy rolled his eyes, “That’s my alias.” 

“But this is a muggle university?” Harry couldn’t help but question. 

Malfoy scoffed and turned back to the box he was dealing with earlier, “I have the same right to be here as you, you know.” 

“But you hate muggles!” 

At that, Harry saw Malfoy grimace a little. “Yeah, well, the war could change many perspectives on things.” 

Once the war was over, the first thing Harry did was try enrolling in the Auror program. It sounded good at the time. It was his dream career as a teen, Ron would be there, and it would give him something to keep him busy. However, after a month or so of training, it proved to be a fatal decision. 

He didn’t account for how exhausted he’d be after everything was done. And hunting down remaining death eaters and bad guys didn’t benefit his mental health at all. Not to mention there was constant pressure for being the boy who lived twice, all mighty savior of the wizarding world. Not taking his final year of newts was really starting to show, but all his colleagues were pretty patient and assured it was fine. It wasn’t. 

When Harry voiced all his complaints to Ron and Hermione one night, he was leant a sympathetic ear. 

“Oh god! I’m so glad I’m not the only one,” Ron revealed as he flopped back onto the couch after grabbing another butterbeer. “No offense mate, but if you didn’t say anything I would’ve told you I was quitting next week or something.” 

“Yeah?” Harry gave a wry smile, “Was it all getting to you too?” 

Ron thought about it for a moment before answering. “Not as much as you have, I don’t think. I mean, I’m not the one for killed Voldemort so there’s less pressure on me, but it feels too similar to-”

“Being on the run. War memories. Trauma?” Harry voiced. 

“Exactly,” the two shared a smile. They just got each other like that. 

“While it’s lovely you two found out you didn’t want to be an Auror anymore, what are you guys going to do now?” Hermione, the voice of reason, spoke up. 

The two men remained silent as they thought about it. Actually, now that Harry wasn’t planning to continue with training, what was he going to do now? 

“I don’t exactly know yet,” Ron spoke up first. “Whatever it is though, I’m planning on staying close to home. Mom and the rest of them really need the support right now you know?” 

Hermione nodded, “That makes sense.” None were willing to bring up Fred’s death right now. 

“What about you Harry?” Hermione turned back to him. 

Harry shrugged. “Same answer as Ron I guess. It’s not that I don’t want to stay close to home or finish my Hogwarts year like you, but maybe I’d like to get a hobby or learn stuff away from the press.”

Hermione looked thoughtful for a moment before offering a suggestion. “Well after Hogwarts, I was planning to attend a muggle university to expand my education. You could do the same, and you don’t have to worry about coming back or staying close to us. There’s quite a lot of muggle options and I’m sure McGonagall would love to help with writing up all the documents you need.” 

“You think going back to school would help me?” School didn’t particularly appeal to him, but Hermione’s suggestion sounded better than what he first assumed. 

“There’s a lot of variety when it comes to Muggle studies, Harry. Who knows, maybe you’ll find something right for you.” 

“Yeah mate,” Ron agreed, “It could do you some good. And if you ever get sick of it you could always come find me and we could be awkward veteran dropouts together.” 

Harry let out a small laugh. “You’re not going back to school then.” 

Ron shrugged. “Maybe not now. But whatever I do, I’ll figure it out.” 

And so the next few days Harry hung out at Ron and Hermione’s, the former helping him sort through colleges he could apply to with the new papers freshly acquired from McGonagall. 

“Best of luck to you Mr. Potter,” she gave him a warm smile when she handed off the papers the day prior. James Evans, it read, his new alias a bold crisp print at the top. 

And so with Hermione’s help and Ron keeping him grounded every time Harry felt like quitting and turning back, he eventually settled upon majoring in psychology at a university in New York. It was an ocean away from home, but he felt that it was the right choice. And Hermione and Ron promised to owl whenever they could and try visiting him every other week. 

The day they left for the portkey station was one of the hardest moments of his life. Even with the war, at least he still had Ron and Hermione. 

“Remember we’re only a portkey away,” Hermione hugged him, “And remember to write all the time!” 

Harry laughed, “Yeah I searched up the closest owl station to the school. Only a 20 minute walk from campus.” 

Ron and Hermione shared a glance between the two of them, one that Harry couldn’t decipher. 

“Actually Harry,” Ron disappeared for a second before coming back with a drape covered object. 

“Go ahead and lift it mate,” he encouraged, so Harry did. When he lifted the veil he wasn’t expected to find a light brown and white barred owl staring back at him.

“Oh,” Harry marveled quietly, taking in the creature before him.

“I know you’ve really missed Hedwig,” Hermione bit her lip, “But we figured you might want a companion with you.”

“Yeah,” Ron agreed, “And she’s really well behaved! The seller said that she liked delivering letters a lot, this way you’ll be able to reach us anytime.”

Harry looked between his two friends and his new owl before engulfing the pair in a giant hug, “She’s perfect guys!” He pulled back to give them a fond look, his two friends mirroring his expression. Eventually, he turned to face his new pet, “Does she have a name?” 

“Oh uhm. The shop named her Nessarose.” 

Nessarose. It seemed very fitting for the pretty owl. 

“I think I’ll nickname her Nessie,” Harry decided after a while. Nessie gave a small hoot in agreement. 

From there, the trio said their final goodbyes and Harry was whisked into New York. 

Upon arrival, the school gave him all the papers he needed after registering. An hour or so later on campus, he wandered around the area and found a local owl hotel of some sort, which Nessie was sure to enjoy. She was free to leave and come out of her room whenever she wanted via the skylight of her room. Before he left, the people at the hotel showed him the incantation of a spell to contact them in case he needed Nessie to deliver an owl, or if he just wanted his companion’s company in general. Once that was settled, he was back on his way to settling in, checking all the forms for school, including his dorm room and dorm mate. At the time he didn’t think much of it. Now he was sort of regretting not looking at the name closer. Drew Black? It was obvious the more he thought of it, watching his roommate unfolding what looked to be silk bed sheets. 

“Right,” Harry sighed, “I think I’m going to ask for a change of dorms.” 

“Why Potter! I didn’t know you hated me that much,” Malfoy gave him a condescending look. 

Harry scoffed. “Shove off Malfoy. I just don’t think we’d room well together that’s all. We’ll drive each other up the walls before next week.”

“Your funeral,” Malfoy didn’t look up. Harry frowned but moved past the doorway. There were two beds and separate desks, a small living space complete with a mini coffee table, and a tiny kitchen. A window was present at the back wall, acting as a sort of divider between the two sides, perfect for owls. He glanced over at Malfoy again. Maybe he’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. After all, he testified at the git’s trial for a reason. Besides, they had a week to settle in before school officially started. How bad could it be? 

Three days later and Harry was regretting everything. Right now the two sat in tense silence, Malfoy at his desk, and Harry working at their small kitchen table. They just finished an argument about eating whose food, as stupid as it was.  

“Seriously Potter! That was my last packet of instant noodles!” 

“I didn’t touch your damn noodles Malfoy! I bought my own, you paranoid prat!” 

Later on, it turned out that Malfoy’s instant noodles were in the pantry. How anyone could mistake the fridge for a pantry was beyond him, but it happened anyway. Also, it turned out Harry did lie earlier. He was the one that moved the noodles in the first place, he just didn’t remember until after their argument. This resulted in another row between the pair after Malfoy found out. 

Harry rolled his eyes. These petty arguments were slowly driving him crazy. And lately, Malfoy has gotten more snappy with him, like it’s Harry’s fault that Malfoy can’t adjust to muggle life. If they were going to keep this up, Harry’s going to quit school before it even starts. 

A sudden thud made Harry jump in his seat, causing him to look up to see Malfoy standing up after taking out his frustrations on his textbooks. “That’s it. I can’t do this anymore. I thought I could stand you but clearly, I was wrong.” 

“Well, you think I could stand you either? You don’t exactly make living with you easy!” Harry resorted back.

“I could say the same for you,” Malfoy glared before letting out a loud sigh, “Whatever Potter. Let’s just get moving and hopefully by tomorrow I’ll never have to see you again.”

“Likewise.”

They headed over to talk to their resident advisor to request their change of roommates, however when asked, the RA shook his head and gave them sympathetic glances. 

“If you could find someone to swap with you, it might work. However, the last of the dorm rooms got filled out about 2 or 3 days ago. If you came, earlier it might’ve worked, but for now, you guys are stuck with each other.” 

They left after they were assured quite a handful of times by the RA that there really wasn’t much that he could do. So the pair left, the walk to their door room filled with heated words. 

“I told you I should’ve just swapped roommates when given the chance!”

“No need for the I told you so’s Potter. If you’ve taken your own advice we wouldn’t be in this mess.” 

“I thought we were past hating each other and arguing. It’s called giving the benefit of the doubt Malfoy! It’s what decent people do!” 

Their bickering continued even once they entered their dorms. They only stopped when their neighbor started banging on their door telling them to shut up. 

Eventually, they settled on an uneasy truth to just ignore one another. Can’t find your instant noodle pack? Bottle it up and just go to the local grocery store. Complaining about your roommate’s messy side of the dorm? Shove over their stupid pile of piled up laundry back to their side and ignore them. Tripped on your roommates textbook which they placed on the floor yet again? Simmer quietly and pick it up and place it back onto their desk. All in all, the tension in the room really piled up. 

Harry couldn’t really wait until the weekend Ron and Hermione visited, so he opted to write them an owl. He cast the summoning spell for Nessie and waited as he dug around his desk looking for a piece of parchment. 

Nessie hooted a greeting at their open window just as Harry found a small piece of parchment a few minutes later. 

“Hey, Nessie,” he invited her in. At the corner of his eyes, he noticed Draco staring at them, but chose not to comment. “I don’t have any owl treats since I forgot to go buy them, but I’m pretty sure we have some spare crackers in the pantry.” 

Nessie gave a small hoot of delight as Harry left to raid the pantry. By the time he found what he needed and got back, he was surprised to see Draco softly petting Nessie’s wings. 

“Uh, Malfoy?” Harry prompted as he held out a cracker for Nessie, which she gladly accepted. 

“I didn’t know you’ve gotten a new bird Potter.” 

Harry shrugged, “Nessie’s a gift from Ron and Hermione before I left for the states.” 

“How typical for the three of you,” Malfoy commented, continuing to give his attention towards Nessie, “I dread to think of who named her. It sounds so...plebeian.” 

Harry rolled his eyes, “Well I thought it was a good name. Nessie’s short for Nessarose.”

“You poor dear,” Malfoy cooed, and wasn’t that weird to think about. Malfoy showing affection, much less to Harry’s owl. 

“Nessarose,” Malfoy started, “Do you mind if I use you to deliver a letter too? I think mother is missing me quite terribly and it’s a tad too late to head to the local owlery. I’m sure Potter doesn’t mind sending out one more letter alongside his.” 

Nessie let out a tiny hoot of agreement while Harry huffed behind him. The git didn’t even bother to ask him, yet Harry didn’t deny him the request. 

He watched as Malfoy headed back to his side of the room, already starting on his letter. Harry did the same as he addressed the letter to his friends. 

Dear Ron and Hermione, Harry began. 

I miss you both terribly and I’m sorry for not sending an owl sooner. Anyway, let me sum up my experience at uni so far. The biggest thing is that I hate my roommate (yay how fun!) I’m pretty sure the school has made a terrible mistake in rooming us together. 

He paused and spared a glance at Malfoy, who was deeply concentrated on his letter to his mother. 

I don’t see how they thought we could ever live well together, Harry resumed, I think those surveys for the perfect roommate must be flawed. Hermione, I’m sure you’d love to come here and fix the current curriculum they’re using. If it was working properly, we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place. The git even used Nessie without my permission! Not that I mind all that much. Nessie seemed happy to help. I’m just pissed he didn’t ask me directly. And to answer your question across the ocean, Hermione, yes, my roommate’s a wizard. It sounds like a good thing, but trust me it’s not. On another note, he refuses to call her Nessie. So he’s taken to using Nessarose in stride. Prat.

Anyway, Nessie is doing well so far! I found a local owl hotel and the workers informed me that she goes out daily. It’s fascinating how their system works, really. I’ll tell you guys more in detail on your next visit since I can’t be arsed to write it all down on parchment. So far they said that Nessie has been catching fresh mice every day, so I’m glad she’s happy. I think she’s really taken with New York because of that. 

Back to my roommate problem, you’d be shocked to find out who it is. I knew I was. And what are the odds we’d be rooming together? Out of all the universities he could’ve gone to, and of all the people he could’ve been roomed with. I’m really starting to think Ron’s theory of how I have a cursed life is correct. Well, lemme just say to the universe fuck you guys for messing with my life. 

You see, my roommate is -

“Potter!” Malfoy interrupted loudly, smirking when Harry jumped causing his quill to leave a horrible streak of ink on the paper along with several ink blots. 

“What, Malfoy!” Harry bit out and glared at him, making the prat smirk wider. 

“Just wanted to comment on how awfully slow you are at writing letters. Couldn’t think of much to write with that brain of yours, could you? I didn’t even know that the school accepted such stupidly incompetent people.”

“Looking at you, I was wondering the same thing,” Harry resorted back angrily before looking at where he left off. You see, my roommate is- ...

A blonde self absorbed prat who wouldn’t know the difference between an obnoxious snob and himself unless it actually hit him in the face, Harry angrily finished writing before handing off his letter to Nessie. Nessie, bless her, just took it happily and flew away, Malfoy’s letter already in hand. 

Well, at least one of them was in a good mood. Ron and Hermione would just have to excuse his hastily finished letter, no thanks to the prat. 

He turned around only to find Malfoy’s smug face looking back at him. Maybe Harry should’ve done some running or something during the week when he had a chance, because now all he had was built up frustration, and if Malfoy didn’t step back, all that frustration was going to go straight into his perfectly posh face. 

“I’m heading out,” Harry growled, grabbing his wand, moving quickly to the door. The Slytherin wasn’t fazed.

“Aww, but we were just starting to get along!” Malfoy teased. 

Harry couldn’t resist casting a minor stinging hex at the git, taking small satisfaction in his yelp. In a second, Malfoy was back to scowling at him again. Good. 

“Be back later,” Harry left the dorm in a strop. He really needed to clear his head. 

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

If There’s a Place I Could Be - Chapter Thirty Four

If There’s a Place I Could Be Tag

July 4th, 1998

Emile watched the scene unfold in front of him in slow motion. Faith had told one of the bullies that she wasn’t going to take anything else they wanted to dish out, and the guy pushed her backwards. She stumbled back a step, but rushed forward, pushing back just as hard, and the bully staggered backwards two steps. He turned red, bringing his fist back to swing.

Faith reacted quickly, bringing her shin up to the guy’s crotch. Emile couldn’t even step in to try and break it up, he was in so much shock. He felt so utterly powerless. Not only to help, but to stop the fight from happening in the first place.

  May 26th, 2001

Emile felt completely powerless. There he was, five feet away from his boyfriend who was in the middle of a panic attack, and Remy’s mother, the bitch, was trying to get Remy to come with her. Emile wanted to move forward, to comfort Remy, to change his mind, but his feet felt glued to the asphalt he was standing on. He felt like he might cry, or like his heart might shatter and he would never recover.

Remy was looking at his mom with a mix of fear and hope, like she could somehow save him or wave away all his trauma. The blood roared in Emile’s ears as slowly Remy stood on shaky legs, and hugged his mother. She walked over to Emile, and Emile just stood there, looking her over. She frowned at him. “I need to get Remington’s things,” she informed him.

“And clearly I need to get off this bad acid trip,” Emile said. “Because I’ve never known Remy to hug people he’s afraid of before. Ever.”

“Remy isn’t afraid of me,” Remy’s mother scoffed. “If anything, he’s learning where he fits in the family. It took him long enough, but he’s coming around.”

It was Emile’s turn to scoff. “Right. Because he would clearly tell you how he feels about you if it was anything remotely negative. Of course. There would be no backlash for that, I’m sure.”

“Of course not, I encourage all my kids to be honest with me,” Remy’s mother said.

“Bullshit,” Emile growled. “I bet the second they come to you with a problem you either make it their fault for not doing what you wanted them to do, or you guilt trip them into taking whatever they said back. Remy, how close am I?”

Remy was shaking and glaring at Emile. “Let it go, Emile,” Remy warned.

“You know me, Rem. I never let anything go until I feel like it’s been fixed. And this is not a solution. At best, it’s a band-aid over a bullet wound,” Emile said.

Remy’s mother tried to forcibly move Emile to the side, but Emile just stood in place, a smile slowly growing on his face. “You’re not getting Remy’s things, not if I have a say in it,” Emile said.

“You don’t have a say in it,” Remy’s mother snarled.

“Don’t I?” Emile asked.

“You don’t,” Remy said, voice sharp and angry. “Let it go, Emile. Let me go.”

“No,” Emile said. “Even if you leave with your mother, I will never stop thinking about you. I’ll never stop trying to write, to find you, to show you that I love you. I love you more than anything else in the world, Rem. And whether or not we’re just friends, or something more, we’ll always have a certain connection between us. And I, for one, am not willing to give that up.”

Remy’s mother sneered at him. “You’re going to burn in Hell,” she informed him.

“Hell will be fabulous, covered in glitter, and I’ll have any guy I could possibly want,” Emile replied without missing a beat. “Although, considering I’m Catholic, you know, I might actually be going to Heaven. I don’t think just being gay will land you in Hell. Purgatory, maybe. Maybe I’ll spend a little longer in Purgatory than I would have otherwise, but you know what? That’s completely worth it.”

“Emile,” Remy said. “Please, stop.”

“Why should I?” Emile challenged.

“Because I asked you to,” Remy said. “I’m not comfortable in this situation. I’m calling it.”

Remy’s mother turned to Remy. “Since when do you talk about your feelings?” she asked. “That sort of thing is completely unnecessary.”

“Wow, I see where he gets that from,” Emile muttered.

“What?” Remy’s mother asked, turning back to Emile. “What is that supposed to mean?!”

“Oh, nothing, nothing,” Emile said with a wave of his hand. “After all, I’ll respect Remy’s decision to not want to talk about it.”

“You’ll tell me what that meant, right now!” Remy’s mother demanded.

An idea formed in Emile’s mind and he widened his eyes with false innocence. “But ma’am, if I did that, I’d be considering you more important than Remy.”

“Remington answers to me,” Remy’s mother spat. “He listens to what I and his father have to say, and he can make his own choices once he’s listened to what we want him to do. He’s free to do whatever he wants, so long as it’s within our plans for him.”

“And there it is,” Emile said, feeling completely vindicated. “Remy is a second-class citizen in your eyes. You come first, and he comes second. Maybe third, or fourth, depending on what his siblings say, isn’t that right?”

“Children are to listen to their parents,” Remy’s mother growled.

“Yeah, when they’re twelve,” Emile said. “Remy is, to use his own words, a ‘grown-ass man.’ He’s old enough to make his own choices about his life, and you’re stripping that right from him. Children have to listen to their parents when they are still children, because their parents generally keep them from doing something stupid that would hurt the kids. But once that child is eighteen, they’re a legal adult, and they’re allowed—no, they’re encouraged to make their own decisions. If Remy makes the choice to go back to you, that’s his choice. But if you strip him of his ability to make his own choices, then you are the one in the wrong.”

“And yet you were trying to take away my choice earlier by saying I couldn’t go back to my mom and dad,” Remy said. “You’re a hypocrite.”

“Yeah? Well, at least I’ll admit to my mistakes, unlike someone in this parking lot,” Emile said, glowering at Remy’s mother.

“When did you admit you were wrong?” Remy scoffed.

Emile looked at Remy. “Every time I’ve yelled, or moved too fast, or made a sudden noise that scared you. When I tried to figure out the logistics of getting a giant sofa into the apartment and you informed me it would never fit through the door.”

“But not when it comes to my family,” Remy said. “You never say you’re wrong when it comes to my family.”

“I’m...not wrong when it comes to your family,” Emile said.

Remy made an offended noise. “You’re not even open to constructive criticism when it comes to your opinions on...virtually anything. Especially cartoons and my family, though.”

“Well, you hardly give evidence to support your claim that your family isn’t as bad as you claim, and you just get mean when you insult cartoons,” Emile said, crossing his arms. “And no, providing you with food and shelter doesn’t mean that your parents were good. That’s a requirement of being a parent. Not something optional you get when you behave, or because your parents feel ‘generous.’”

Remy’s mother snarled, “Move out of the way so I can get my son’s things and we can leave!”

Emile stared down his nose at Remy’s mother. “Ma’am, I say this with as much respect as I can muster, but go to Hell.”

“Emile!” Mom snapped at him. “You can’t say that to anyone!”

“Well, what am I supposed to say?!” Emile asked. “Should I give her a customer service smile and let her hurt Remy?!”

“Once again, you’re hurting me more than she ever has!” Remy exclaimed.

Remy’s mother turned, shocked, to Remy. “You don’t genuinely believe I’ve hurt you?”

“Wha—no! That’s the point!” Remy said, but Emile could see Remy’s tells, and he was definitely lying. And his surprise meant that he wasn’t doing it as well as he usually did. “You haven’t hurt me at all, and he’s hurt me plenty of times!”

“You know I can tell when you’re lying, Remington?” Remy’s mother said. “You’ve always had the exact same face when you lie, from back when you were four years old to now.”

“Okay, so maybe you’ve made me feel bad once or twice, but—”

“When?!” his mother asked. “When have I hurt you?!”

Remy looked like a deer in headlights. “At the coffee shop?” he said. “You scared me out of my wits. And at Thanksgiving, trying to get me to change my major—”

His mother cut him off again. “I was helping you!”

“No, mom. You weren’t,” Remy said, before clapping a hand over his mouth.

His mother was eerily still, and Emile knew that whatever happened next was going to get ugly. “Oh, I see,” she said. “I’m the villain, here. After all these years, you’re still ungrateful for everything I’ve done for you. I made sure you were happy, and that you would fit in with others your age! All those times you were upset when I might take some childish thing away from you, it only took you the next day to recover and it was like nothing ever happened! Do you want to be like your ‘friend’ here and be stuck in the past, watching children’s shows for the rest of your life? I was so relieved when you outgrew your comics phase. You would never have had friends if you had kept that up.”

Emile was ready to strangle Remy’s mother. Not even over insulting his love of cartoons, but for her blatant disregard of Remy’s feelings. It was completely unfair and cruel. Remy removed his hand from his mouth, but his eyes were glassy.

His mother scoffed. “Crocodile tears don’t work on me, Remington, and besides, no one likes a crybaby. They’ll train that out of you in the military.”

Remy was shaking all over, and he muttered, “So that’s where I am. A rock and a hard place. Fantastic.”

“Why are you even entertaining these people?” his mother asked. “We can get you new clothes, you don’t need anything in that suitcase of yours, anyway. Let’s go.”

Remy didn’t move.

“Remington,” his mother prompted. “We’re leaving.”

“I thought...” Remy cleared his throat. “I thought you said you’d be proud of me. Well, I’m doing what you wanted. Why are you still treating me the same as always?”

His mother scoffed. “You don’t get special treatment over your brother or sister. This is the way your father and I treat them, and so it’s how we treat you. Just because you make us proud doesn’t mean your place in this family moves.”

Remy blinked repeatedly. “But...but you always treated me like I was a problem child. If I listen to you, I’m not a problem anymore. I get my own spot at the table when we make decisions.”

“Remy, you clearly don’t know what’s best for you on your own. I’m glad you came to your senses and decided to listen to me, but you can’t be trusted to know what’s best for you. Toby and Vanessa barely know what’s best for themselves, after all these years. They get their opinions considered, but you have to work a while before you get to that point,” his mother explained.

Emile stayed silent, and didn’t move, even though he wanted nothing more than to kill Remy’s mom then and there. Remy was staring at her with hurt, and shock, and betrayal. “Even if you’re proud of me...you get the final say in my life? That’s what you’re saying?”

“Yes, you’re finally beginning to understand!” Remy’s mother exclaimed.

Remy looked down, before looking back up, saying, “No, Mom, I don’t understand. I don’t understand why you get the final say in my life.”

“Because I know you best!” his mother exclaimed.

Remy laughed. “Mom, you don’t even know that I can cook. You set me in front of the stove and said I was old enough to make my own food, and I found I had a knack for making meals, but you never once thought to ask how it was going. If you ever saw me eating something I made you accused me of ordering take-out, because there was no way I’d be able to make something like that, of course. You don’t know me. At all, I’d say. Why should you get to control my life when you don’t even know me?”

“Remington, don’t you dare backtalk,” his mother said.

Remy bit his tongue, pulling a face. “Yeah. No,” he said. “Misses Thomas, I’m sorry for having you drive me all the way out here. Clearly, this was a mistake.”

Emile’s heart soared with hope. “Does this mean you’re staying with us?”

“It means we’ll be having a very. Long. Talk,” Remy warned. “But if I’m not going to be respected at home, then I’m not going home. Sorry, Mom.”

[slashingdisneypasta]

Jason Voorhees x Freddy’sDaughter!Reader || Oneshot

Title: They Cuddles; Him, Her, and her Bottle of Hypnocil. 

Notes:

‘-There was something in her, something that was… pure horror. Everything you were supposed to watch out for. Heights, fire, shards of glass, snakes. Everything that his mom tried so hard to keep him safe from.’ - John Ajvide Lindqvist.

Inspired by the above quote.

Quick Background of Reader: You’re Maggies younger (Only a little) half-sister. (You were conceived and born shortly after he killed Loretta and your mother didn’t want you so you were pawned off to him so you were living with him until he was burnt by the Springwood Parents, whereas Maggie was of course taken away) (Pretend it was years between the time he was caught and the time he was killed)

Tried to write in Jasons POV, not sure how good it is, hah. 

I miiiiiiight have some ideas for future parts of this, this was adorable and sweet.

Plot: 

Just, Jason falling in so love with the enemies daughter who is so like her father - she’s loud, she’s hurt, she makes s t u p i d jokes and then laughs way too hard at them, she’s dangerous, - but who is gentle with him and kind. (She’s basically the type of girl Pam wouldn’t approve of at first but is so honest and kind that Pam cant help but begrudgingly like her eventually XD )

Warnings: Age gap? I mean it’s not a main plot point so you could ignore it but Jason and Freddy are similar in age so you’re young enough to be Jason’s kid too- but you’re in your 30’s-40’s so its okie. Fatherly trauma (Is that the right phrase?? Hah. You know what I mean) / Nightmare on elm Street survivor trauma also. Panic attack I think? Ends in fluff ^^ 

~~~

When you stayed a night in your van at that old, abandoned camp, you certainly didn’t expect to meet Jason. I mean, you weren’t surprised by his… abnormalities -referring to the fact that he’s dead. Not his deformities, - as much as you were how cute and sweet he was. And how well you two got on, after he tried to kill you.

And you don’t blame him for that! You trespassed; you get it. If you had known he was there and he had taken ownership of the area, then you would have asked before parking there.

When Jason had found a girl hidden away, sleeping in the back of a yellow van, he certainly didn’t expect that she would soon become so important to him. She was just another trespasser acting like a hoodlum -living! In! A! Van?! – in his general vicinity and of course, he didn’t like that.

Boring chase story short; He pushed your van over and there was a chase through the forest (You’ve never run that fast in your life, jesus christ. You can still feel the wind burn on your cheeks, that one rock under your bare feet that cut you and the energy rushing through your body pushing you forward anyway) and you leapt into the lake- waiting until he came in after you. And then when he did, you just screamed random nonsense, splashing around spastically at him until you hit a nerve that sobered him (Something about his mother). This is a technique you developed after you were given up to various foster homes after your father was burnt to death (And then also when he found you again) when stinky foster parents, foster siblings, bullies at school rando’s off the street wanted to put their hands on you, and that you mastered since. It works, evidently, with asexual zombie monsters too.

After that, you went back to your van and rap up your foot, thinking that at least the lake water cleaned up the cut on your foot, and then grumpily set up your bed on your window now since the van (Poor, dear Mandy) is now on its side thanks to the local undead jerk!

You hadn’t slept a wink the rest of that night, not because of the hulking mass of rotten flesh and a hockey mask that you knew was lurking somewhere close by, watching you, but because you weren’t about to waste an extra Hypnocil pill in one night. You just laid there, pillows propping you up and being bored. Staring at the ceiling, smearing various ugly pastel shades onto a page in your sketchbook, listening to the woods and imagining getting rawed by Danny Zuko were highlights. Then, when daylight finally broke out, you were finally, unhappily wondering how you were going to get Mandy back on her wheels, zipping up your jacket and looking at your beautiful pale-yellow Volkswagen.

You thinking what pain this would be to correct… and then having turned on your heel and went on a trek to the closest town to get some kind of breakfast. Procrastinating the inevitable.

When you had returned, a bag of groceries in your arms -drink propped on top of everything else so you could sip through the straw as you walked,- , your van was back on her wheels.

You don’t know what it was about you that made him do that, that made him stop and not kill you, and its likely you’ll never find out since he doesn’t talk, after that you had gone directly to find the - cute, now, -behemoth you knew fixed it for you, to make and give him fairy bread to say thank you and sorry for what happened last night- and honestly you’ve been friendly ever since. More then friendly, after a while, but never less then.

___TIME SKIP: Current time now. Months and months after you met___

~ POV Change~

Oh my god.

The second I see that the familiar bottle, the one from Typo with the Coca Cola logo on it that reminds me absolutely zero percent of my father that I keep Hypnocil pills in is not where I left it, a deep sense of dread and anxiety fills me up to the brim- only proceeding to grow outwards to the air around me as I search in an increasingly more panicked fashion for the thing. Where is it!? Where is it, where is it, where is it. “Where, where, where, where, where, where- “

I fling a pillow out the back of the van and am just bundling up the blankets, not caring what else goes with it to push out as well so I can find that fucking bottle when I notice Jason standing there at the back doors watching me, head tilted. I immediately stop what I’m doing, heart stopping for a second. “Lost something.” Is all I can squeak out.

He leans forward and I watch as I bends down so his head and upper body are in here with me and looks around, then up at me again as if to ask what I’m looking for so he can help me. “I-Its, um… “ My voice trembles. I need to find that bottle- the fact that Jason is being so sweet and offering to help me look just makes me feel even less together. I could cry. “A r-red bottle with umm, curly writing on it?” He probably doesn’t remember what coke is, much less the logo…

He nods, and starts looking around, eyes focused and slow as the graze along everything in the van so studiously that I stay extra still instead of helping- so he doesn’t miss anything with that super-vision he’s acting like he must have. The vans a mess and I’m just kneeling in the corner, against the driver’s seat with the blankets all bundles up in my lap, worrying my bottom lip and waiting for this man to save me. Please, jesus- help me. Save me.

A moment later and I’m about to slowly move from my place and Jason suddenly moves. His heavy arm shoots forward and pulls the bottle, a tubular shock of red, out of a nook between my portable DVD player/screen and some books and I was showing him earlier, offering it to me.

Dropping the blankets and sitting on them instead, feeling the softness on my bare legs and taking the bottle from him before hugging it to my chest and covering my face with my hands, silently.

Oh my god.

~POV Change~

Y/N curls up on herself, hiding her face and the bottle between her legs and her tummy and doesn’t make much noise except a quick, quiet whimper. She’s acting different, in a bad way. Why isn’t she talking to him, Jason wonders? Why isn’t she being loud? Is she okay?

Looking around the van, because he has to go in there and see if she’s okay- get her out of that body-cocoon, Jason crawls into the vehicle that he’s never dared to touch since the first night they met, and it breathes under his weight a little bit. He sits down next to her, crossing his legs and watching her for a while. What… to do… now… hmm…

Finally, he decides putting his hand on her shoulder might work to get her attention at least, and she does relax her shoulders quickly at the contact. Then looks up, face red, at him before wiping her face again and crawling suddenly into his lap. She takes a deep breath, regaining some of her usual colour and composure as Jason just sits solid and c o m p l e t e l y still beneath her, flashing him a quick, toothless smile. “Thank you for finding this Jason, it’s important to me.” She looks at the bottle in her hands, not wanting to put it down and risk losing it again even as she knows its irrational that she would do it twice in a row. “Its… how I keep him away… “

Y/N looks up at Jason, eyebrows risen up her forehead to watch him cautiously, worriedly, looking for signs. Did he understand what you were talking about? And if so, is he okay at the mention of your father?

He’s just completely unmoving still. Y/N blinks at the utter lack of responce. “Jason?”

When she still doesn’t receive a response, she taps his mask gently. “Jaaaason?”

That gets his attention, as he looks down at her face… and nods. A wonky smile that makes his somehow-still-beating heart flutter weirdly appears on her face and she looks outside instead. “So, what did you come to see me for? Ya just missed me? Hah, I missed you too cutie. How about we go for a walk? Its pretty today- ah.” When Jason’s big arms suddenly, slowly take action and wrap heavily around her, she’s pleasantly surprised. Her anxieties and panic from earlier all but slip from their knot in her chest and disappear at the action, and she responds by turning properly to her side in his lap so she can lean into his chest. “Oor we could cuddle. That sounds better anyway!~”

She taps the side of his face affectionately before closing her eyes, and he lets his own half lid themselves at the feeling of her so close to him. She’s so cute and warm. Its weird, but he thinks- if someone were to come right now in this moment, and not be loud and not do anything to Y/N or him… he would probably let them go.

(Well at least until he let her go.)

[musicprincess655]

So this was written for the SamFlam Gift Exchange run by @watchsamuraiflamenco for @maid-of-the-golden-deer! I hope you like it.

“What do you think was the hardest part about when she went missing?” his therapist asks. 

Hidenori resists the urge to scowl at her. He doesn’t like talking about her in general, the time she went missing in specific, and he doesn’t particularly want to talk about it now. But, as Mari has pointed out before, she’s not footing the bill for the best trauma therapist in the city for him to sit there and glare at her, so he sighs and tries to give her a real answer. 

“I didn’t...know,” he starts, halting, because he’s never been asked to put it into words before, never been asked to do anything but grieve and then get over it, and he didn’t even manage to do that right. “I didn’t know what happened. I didn’t know if she was dead, or maybe she needed my help because she was stuck somewhere, or maybe kidnapped. Or maybe she wasn’t in trouble at all. Maybe that time she said she’d drop out of school and run away and join a wandering theater troupe, maybe she wasn’t kidding like I thought she was. Maybe she was happy. But I didn’t know.”

The thing is, intellectually, Hidenori knows what he’s doing, knows he’s the one sending messages between him and her. It’s a trick of knowing without knowing, thinking around himself, and it sounds hard, but he’s just so used to it, like his brain’s run itself into ruts he can’t quite get out of. He’s getting...better at acknowledging it, but better isn’t good, not yet. 

Maybe he should feel guilty for using the memory of a girl he loved to soothe everything he feels, but he’s not there yet, either.

“So, lack of closure, then,” his therapist says. Her name is Tsukino, and instead of the kind-eyed older woman he expected her to be, she’s only ten years older than him, and remarkably good at not putting up with his nonsense. It had grated on him when this started, but he recognizes it makes her a pretty perfect fit for him. “The text messages give you some kind of closure? Allow you to know?”

It’s a difficult line of questioning. Sometimes, Hidenori is okay with exploring the fact that he’s the one sending messages from her phone. Sometimes he retreats behind his ability to not know that, and any questions on that topic are useless. 

He’s willing to at least give it a shot today. 

“I guess,” he says. 

“And what if you were to get real closure?” she asks. “Even if it was bad, do you think that would still be better than not knowing?”

And just like that, Hidenori is done giving this a shot for today. 

“We’re...taking a break.”

It’s been a year since she started her trip, and Hidenori has had varying success with distancing himself from her. He’d sent her a message last week - him to her, not the other way around - asking to take a break for a while, since they hadn’t seen each other in so long. 

“Is that because of someone else in your life?” Tsukino asks. 

Yes, Hidenori thinks, and waits to feel guilty, and doesn’t. 

“Maybe,” he says instead. 

Tsukino lets the non-answer slide, and shifts her position. 

“How’s Masayoshi doing?” she asks. 

This is easy. Hidenori could talk about Masayoshi for their entire sessions if he wanted. 

“Oh, you wouldn’t believe the trouble that idiot found himself in this time,” he says, rolling his eyes fondly. “Listen to the wild idea he came up with…”

***

Despite what the media would have everyone believe, Masayoshi has interests other than superheroes. Sure, they’ll always be his favorites, but he managed to hold a pretty demanding job for years before all the Samurai Flamenco stuff started, and he does things other than sit in his house and watch superhero movies. Just because that happens to be his favorite thing to do doesn’t mean he doesn’t do other things. 

Take now, for instance. He’s plastered to Hidenori’s side, pointing out where cherry blossoms are starting to bud. It’s at least a month until they bloom, but Masayoshi is excited anyway. He’s not exactly like a little kid, but the simple joy he takes from something so small could be pretty easily called childish. Hidenori thinks he might find Masayoshi too naive if he didn’t know this is Masayoshi’s way of taking a break from all his World President duties. 

Sometimes, not even superhero shows can cut it when what Masayoshi really needs is a change of pace. 

“We should bring a picnic when they bloom,” Masayoshi says. 

“You know curry isn’t a very good picnic food, right?” Hidenori teases. 

“Goto-san!” Masayoshi complains. “I can cook other things now!”

“Sure you can,” Hidenori says, but it’s unbearably fond even in his own ears. “I’ll just end up making sandwiches myself.”

“You’d do that?”

“Sure.” 

It’s so easy to agree to when he knows Masayoshi’s eyes will light up at the promise. Masayoshi likes to take care of people, likes to be the reason they’re happier, the reason they’re okay, but it’s only more reason that he needs someone to look after him. 

It’s the real reason Hidenori started going to therapy in the first place. Sure, Mari hounded him up and down about it because it had worked so well for her, she and Moe have never been happier, at least give it a chance Goto-san. In the end, though, it took Mari pulling out her trump card. 

“You can’t belong to him if you still belong to her,” she’d said, nodding at an oblivious Masayoshi talking to Moe. 

And God, but Hidenori wanted to belong to Masayoshi. Wanted them to belong to each other. 

So he called the therapist she recommended, and when he balked at the cost, Mari offered to cover all the costs. Hidenori had protested - he’s an adult, and this is a decision he made for himself, he won’t accept charity - but Mari wouldn’t hear of it, insisting it was her gift in gratitude for the kindness he’d shown her. 

And. Well. She did live in his closet for a good long while. 

“Do you think we have to plan early to get a good spot?” Masayoshi asks. “Won’t there be a lot of people?”

“It probably won’t hurt to plan ahead,” Hidenori agrees. 

“Should we invite people?”

“It might get complicated to plan around everyone’s schedules.” And Hidenori kind of wants this to be a date for just him and Masayoshi. 

“Still…” Masayoshi trails off as Hidenori’s phone rings. “Are you expecting a call?”

“No,” Hidenori says, pulling it out. Usually, the only people who call him are work or his mother. Sure enough, his mother’s contact information is on the screen. “I’ll take this quickly.”

His mother probably just has something she wants him to come down and fix, or she wants him to come down more often in general. 

“When are you going to be back?” she asks as soon as they finish exchanging greetings. 

“Mom,” Hidenori sighs. “We’re talked about this. I have a job, I can’t just leave whenever I want-”

“You haven’t been watching the news?” she asks, surprised obvious in his voice. 

“From back home?” Hidenori asks. Why should he? She always tells him the town gossip whether he wants it or not. “No, not really.”

“But it’s about…” she trails off, and takes a deep breath. “They found a body.”

***

So, as it turns out, all that stuff people say about going numb in times of trauma is less true than anything has any right to be. All that stuff about feeling like nothing is real? Yeah, Hidenori wishes. 

He can’t remember anything feeling more real. 

By the time he makes it back home, preparations are already complete for the funeral. He doesn’t actually get to see the body. Not that he’d be able to recognize anything if he had. After all these years, she would have only been a skeleton. They’d have identified her through dental records. 

He did bully a local policeman into taking him out to where a couple of kids playing in the woods found her body. He had a vivid memory of that exact spot. He must have passed right by her and never noticed in the search. 

I could have given you this earlier, he thinks. He looks over at her parents. There are a few tears in her mother’s eyes, but not the unrestrained grief most people would expect of a mother losing a child. Her parents had mourned the loss of their daughter in a way Hidenori never could. I could have given you the closure you needed back then.

But in the end, he’s the only one that needed the closure. 

Hidenori expected to be a mess at the funeral. He was certainly a mess when she first went missing. He remembers crying, remembers cutting himself off from everyone who tried to help him. 

But having everything come together like this, losing any way to pretend it’s not real, and feeling everything he never allowed himself to work through all those years ago, it’s almost like it shorts him out. He stands there, unmoving, unflinching, as the storm rages inside him. He wishes the funeral would go by in a blur, but he feels every excruciating moment, right until he’s the last one left by her grave. 

He doesn’t have a coping mechanism for this. 

As stuck in the moment as he is, he’s instantly aware of the warm weight at his shoulder. Masayoshi leans into his shoulder, not enough to push, but just enough to let Hidenori know he’s there. 

“She’s gone,” Hidenori says. His voice doesn’t sound like him. “All this time, she was just gone.”

And then all the grief he didn’t work through all those years ago crashes too hard, and the tears start coming. 

Masayoshi pulls him into a hug, tucking Hidenori’s face into his shoulder. Hidenori clings to him and sobs, awful, heaving things that wrack his body and pound his ribs, the physical manifestation of a grief that was pushed down for far too long. He holds tight like Masayoshi can keep him from breaking apart, and maybe he can, maybe he’s still the hero he always has been. 

Masayoshi never lets him go. 

“I can’t make it go away,” Masayoshi says. “But I can stay. I’m not going anywhere.”

“You can’t…” Hidenori gulps. The worst of the sobs are done, and now he’s just soaking Masayoshi’s suit. “You can’t fight this off.”

“I know,” Masayoshi says. “But you still don’t have to do it alone.”

Hidenori just holds on, and as his crying finally stops, he feels a quiet inside himself that hasn’t been there in years. 

***

“Hey, so, happy thirtieth birthday,” Hidenori says, laying a bouquet of flowers at her grave. “It’s supposed to be a big deal.”

“Goto-san, help me with the food,” Masayoshi calls. 

“Yes, stop spacing out and help your husband,” his mother chides. Hidenori turns to see Masayoshi struggling with the containers, trying to pass food to everyone at once, and her parents chuckle at his antics. 

Maybe it’s strange to have this picnic with his parents and the parents of his ex-girlfriend, but it’s become routine over the years. Hidenori comes out to lay flowers on her grave on her birthday every year, and allows any grief he has inside him to come out, and when he’s done, the people who loved her remember her. 

And the horrible ocean of grief that lives inside him gets smaller as the years pass, becomes something quiet, something that shaped him but not something that defines him. 

Masayoshi never left. Hidenori never expected him to break that promise. He’s still here, and so is Hidenori, and they can say goodbye to her and step forward together into the future, and that, Hidenori thinks, is a life. That’s what it’s made of. Stepping forward, and doing it together, and spilling rice on the counter or sauce on their hands and laughing and cleaning up and crying and moving on. 

This is a life. It’s the one he built. It’s the one he’ll keep.

[spacefaegoddess]

The Lightning Thief - Cut Tracks

Listen up.

Camp Half Blood

- okay let me preface this by saying that for some reason this song won’t download so I’m going off the itunes preview

- but wow this song screams Camp Half Blood

- starts with something about how you know you’re at camp if there’s fire or a flood like big mood guys

- “Camp Half-Blood, where only half of us survive! Camp Half-Blood, be glad you’re still alive!” GUYS THIS IS TOO REAL

- it reminds me of that one post comparing CHB and CJ like “yeah you can go to college and live in New Rome at Camp Jupiter so its pretty nice” “WELCOME TO CAMP HALF BLOOD, YOULL DIE WITHIN THE MONTH”

- “this is why no one watches the orientation film” Mr. D never change please, also if that’s a new kid’s orientation to CHB then maybe Mr. D is saving them from intense trauma

Pick a Side 

- I think there was a video of this somewhere, maybe from that live concert where they performed all the song from the show, but man I’m so happy they put this into a final form

- Luke: “we don’t know who stole the bolt” oh sweet baby liar

- Clarisse being ready to fight everyone is fantastic

- “Percy couldn’t find his way out of a paper bag” man I love it when they put book references in there, and even though I’m pretty sure Reyna says it I still love that it’s Clarisse’s line

-”Can’t we just pick flowers and make friendship bracelets” oh Silena no

- Silena: “My mom doesn’t believe in war” Clarisse: “oh yeah? then why does she keep texting my dad?” Luke: “WHOA” this is the content I signed up for

- Luke saying that he hopes Percy completes his quest so that the demigods don’t have to fight a war like.... idk how to feel about this. Is he lying? Does he actually hope that his friends won’t have to fight? Man

- Also Luke telling Silena that they don’t have to fight the gods’ battles like that’s Luke’s entire motivation in one line

- Clarisse and Silena belting “we gotta know just where your loyalties lie” while Luke sings “we don’t have to choose”. I know that the girls are singing it at each other but the fact that Luke is between them and he’s the one who isn’t loyal to the gods or to camp is magnificent. And again Luke saying they don’t have to choose the gods because he’s already chosen against them

- “prissy Percy’s gonna lost his Poseidon adventure!” CLARISSE GIRL

- “well whoever says love is worthless, I’ll pulverize them!” wow Clarisse is already rubbing off on Silena

-I want to know what Luke sings after “It’s their fight” while Clarisse and Silena sing “We’ll make our parents proud, make our voices loud” cause this is a really great moment for Luke’s motives to shine through

- Luke silently singing “I would never help my father” in the background

- All three singing “We’ve got a choice to make, can’t run and hide - you better pick a side” at the same time yet it means something different for all of them. Also it’s Luke finally choosing his side cause I think that’s the first time he sings “pick a side” in the song

- And that harmony at the end? DAM

Try

- okay so like way before the musical was even a thing, there was a video of this song being sung by three people who aren’t in the show, but god it was heartrenching. It’s a little different from the finished product but like Pick a Side, I’m so glad they included this song because it’s so powerful

- the song beginning and ending the same way UGH I LOVE CALLBACKS

- Percy and Annabeth both singing “I already know it, I’ll probably blow it, but I’m going there anyway” THESE KIDS ARE SO STRONG

- this song is so great because as a whole, the musical is kinda upbeat and generally happy except for like Tree on the Hill and kinda Good Kid, but this one shows the main three’s insecurities about the whole adventure. It throws your mind in a whole different direction

- “I may fail you, but it doesn’t mean that I won’t try” I mean come on

- They’re kids. They’re lost and scared and don’t really know what they’re doing, yet they keep pressing on because of each other. They feel like they will fail, but they can all look each other in the eye and say “you know what? at least we have each other and that’s worth it enough for me”

- that small part in the beginning with Percy and Annabeth singing together makes me want a Percabeth duet so bad

- Grover singing “wash my hands of past mistakes” this boy just wants to prove himself so much and Tree on the Hill give me so many feels and just UGH GROVER I LOVE YOU

- Annabeth going from “prove to the gods that I belong” to “I won’t be rejected” is freaking GROWTH

- “He must be protected” GROVER PLEASE

- That three part harmony tho

- “Fight til we’re all in the clear, look my fear in the eye!” do I need to repeat that these kids are so amazingly strong? Because they are

- “The weight of the world’s on my shoulders, like Atlas it’s crushing me down” sick Greek mythology reference bro

- Also during that live concert video I mentioned earlier, they play a cut Annabeth song (which is sadly not here) but it had the Atlas motif too and ugh it gives me all the feels

- okay so the line “we’re not brave, we’re not strong, we’re not soldiers” is a whole thing in itself but it goes so well with the next line

- I wish they had kept the next line the same as the original because it was “but my heart is a drum, and damn does it pound” but now its “my heart’s just a drum and damn does it pound”. I feel like the first one just has something more. Like I might not be brave or strong but I have the heart to get through this

- also in that original video, after the previous thing, Percy sings “I may fail you, I may fail you. If I fail, this will be our last goodbye.” WHY DIDNT THEY KEEP THAT

- “I’m not leaving your side til we find what matters” Annabeth MY GIRL

- “I’m not leaving your side til we’re back home” GROVER

- “I’m not leaving your side til you’re remembered” PERCABETH SHIPPERS HOW WE FEELING TONIGHT

- This trio man. Nothing will ever compare to them

- The fact that the lyrics change from “I may fail you” to “I can’t fail you”

- That last line where they all sing part of the number because they’re in this together now and you literally cannot separate them

- this song is the best and you can fight me on that

In the Same Boat

- or as I like to call it “Grover deals with Percabeth fighting like second graders for five minutes and forty nine seconds”

- this entire song is just a roast fest and Grover suffering

- “wow maybe your mom should’ve totally chilled instead of making monsters that get us all killed” Percy you savage

- Grover’s happy little “ask meeee” he’s so cute

- “I’d like to wrap my hands around that half-blood’s throat” wow guys

- “I don’t need to heed a talking goat” WOW GUYS

- Grover’s goat noises throughout the song

- “why run from monsters when we can rideeee” Grover baby I love you

- the lyrics change depending on what vehicle they’re in

- “with Anna-BLEH” “and Seaweed Brain” guys just kiss already

- Annabeth insulting Percy about his Rocky Mountains comment and Grover just going “wow that is soooo beautiful” 

- this song is just the original “Drive” and I’m not complaining

- Percy and Grover both yelling “SWEET” while Annabeth suffers

- Percy telling Annabeth she can hike instead of ride the motorcycle

- Percy’s sass when he says “oh, I’m sure that’s irrelevant” gods Chris McCarrell is the Percy we always wanted

- “Athena give me strength so I don’t kill him” Annabeth honey, if anything your mom is gonna strike him down for you

- ANNABETH HAVING HER OWN “DREAM”

- “it’s messed up, but he’s kinda cute” Annabeth you have no idea how relatable you truly are

- “And my head is always stronger than my heart” awwwwwww

- “If only he would say something that was remotely smart” when I tell you I cackled for like five mintues its the truth

- Followed immediately by Percy saying “I got it! The map was upside down” and Annabeth just screaming IS A WHOLE BIG MOOD

- When did Charon turn from a disco diva into a 60 year old smoker

- Annabeth calling Percy sexist like yeah girl call him out

- “They’ll kill each other, or they’ll kiss” likely both, Grover

- “If we’re lucky they’ll end up in an abyss” GROVER NO

- that Mark of Athena reference caught me so off guard, my jaw hit the floor

- Grover happily singing over a Percabeth shouting match

- also I wish I could clearly hear what those two are saying

- idk what’s so funny about Percy saying “perspective” in a awe-filled voice but it killed me

- Grover yelling at them to sing the song because reconciliation

- uhhh Jorrel’s voice??? he makes such a great Grover let me tell you

The Wittlest Minotaur

- this was also in that concert they did

- Kristin Stokes is a gift to this world, that is all

[when-rapinoe-met-lovelace]

Lol cause I have nowhere else to post my decade-late analyses of tv shows, I’ll shout it into the void here.

I just started watching Gotham, and got a couple of episodes into the second season before I had to stop because of my frustration with the wasted potential of the black and female characters. I mean, they had Barbara Keane, Renee Montoya, Sarah Essen, and (my queen) Fish Mooney, and what happened to them? Two plot lines’-worth of trauma, disappearance without a word, death, and more death. Fish’s ending put me on edge, but Essen was over the top. Why create two fantastic characters, both Black women, only to get rid of them?

Three-quarters of the way through season one I was cheering the show - they had an explicit queer, interracial romance; not one, but two POC woman cops (one in a position of power); and two Black women in positions of power over white men, one on either side of the fight. And none of this felt contrived. There weren’t obvious diversity ploys or strange plot lines meant to force people together. I wish they’d passed the Bechdel test a bit earlier, but it was a decade ago.

Plus, FISH MOONEY, love of my life, queen of my heart!! This woman is a survivor. She lies, steals, and tricks her way to the top. Literally nothing can put her down. And she isn’t doing it because of the story she told her spy about her mother dying, but because of ambition - just like the male villains. When she shot Maroni in the head, I cheered! What woman hasn’t wanted to throttle a man who talks down to her? She got kidnapped by pirates, took control of everything on the crazy black market organ factory she was kept on, and escaped! (And got a bad-ass physical signature out of it, à la Penguin’s feet or Joker’s smile.) And Jada Pinkett Smith’s acting!? Superb! God, the sexual tension she could produce with a fucking door was amazing. The way she worked a room? The way she could kill you with a look? Her strut!? This woman is an icon!

It took one moment for me to love her: one of her first scenes, where she goes to hell on someone, then stands up and straightens her wig. Like 80% of white women (and men, but let’s focus on the women here) don’t know Black women wear wigs. Crazy, right? To anyone that has access to the internet. But most white women (case in point, my Mom) know literally all they know about Black people from TV. And Black women aren’t allowed to be deconstructed/vulnerable/real on TV for white people (notable exception, HTGAWM w/ Viola Davis, and more so in recent years in general). So Jada Pinkett Smith - or the writing team, but I suspect Smith - adding in a tiny realistic acknowledgement of her wig, that a Black woman wearing a wig would have to readjust it after beating the crap out of somebody, with such a defining characterization (the way she does it is with a huff, like it’s a habit and her emotion shows clearly) was phenomenal to see, and a great acting choice.

So then, after creating these complex, interesting characters, to just kick them to the curb? That the only woman left standing from the first half of season one is the white one? And she’s been twisted into a villain, so instead of following Jim around, she’s following a new man around? No thanks.

[iamnotawomanimagod]

Dare Me: Comparing the Book to the TV Show

Like many, I was super sad to hear that Dare Me, starring Herizen Guardiola and Willa Fitzgerald, was canceled before its’ second season. I loved it for its dark representation of female friendship and early sapphic attraction, so I was sad to lose that - but the show also ends on a cliffhanger!

I decided to read the book to find out what happens. Ultimately, I think the TV show is much better, and I don’t know if they would’ve chosen the same ending as the book.

The following breakdown contains spoilers Dare Me, both the book and the tv show. Proceed with caution!

Characters

In the show, Beth and Coach French look nothing alike. Beth has long, dark, curly hair, and Coach has short, blonde hair.

In the book, they share similar features. Both of them have the same hair - I think it’s long and dark, but I can’t remember off the top of my head. It might be long and blonde, instead. Point being, in a grainy camera phone picture (the book is set in like, 2009, when camera phones still sucked) they might be mistaken for one another.

In the show, one of the biggest sources of drama comes from the relationship between Beth and her estranged father. This is due in large part to the fact that her father had an affair and another child, Tacy, and chose the live across the street from his ex-wife and other daughter.

In the book, Tacy is just another girl on the squad. She is a flier, and does compete with Beth for the Top Girl spot, but she’s otherwise not really part of the story.

In the show, Coach’s daughter, Caitlin, is a baby, still. Probably no more than two years old.

In the book, Caitlin is four years old.

In the show, Addy’s mom is a police officer, and is greatly involved in both Addy’s life and in the eventual investigation of Will’s death.

In the book, Addy’s parents are barely mentioned.

In the show, Beth’s mom is an addict, who continues her affair with Beth’s dad. Beth’s dad makes a marked (albeit flawed) effort to be in her life.

In the book, Beth’s parents are basically non-existent. As a result, the necklace Beth’s dad gave her, which is a big part of her characterization in the show, is also non-existent.

In the book, Addy is the one who kicks the girl in the stomach, to help her throw up, not Beth.

In the show, the signs of eating disorders are there, but they’re less obvious. There is a scene where Beth and Addy are eating cookies, and it shows them spitting them out after they chew, but they don’t mention it or talk about it. Beth talks about being hungry in the books a lot, about living off lollipops and detox green tea, about how common it is for all of them to have eating disorders.

In the book, there are more characters. In the show, it appears that many of the characters were streamlined into one - RiRi. The girl who gets injured in the books never returns to the squad. She’s instead an example of the “in-group” of the squad and how easy it is for them to ostracize people.

The biggest change, however, is in the characterization of Beth.

In the show, Beth is much more sympathetic.

In the show, it’s made abundantly clear that Beth was raped by Kurtz. (I think he has a different name in the books.) We see her injuries, her trauma, and her own confrontation with Kurtz. She trades his freedom for information, citing the selfie she took of her torn tongue and the fact that she has other proof. She decides not to press charges if Kurtz will tell her what he heard on the night that Will dies. (This does not happen in the books. The random kid Addy makes out with in the first episode is the one who places Coach and Matt at the scene of the crime.)

In the book, it’s implied that Beth pushed Kurtz to be rougher with her, so that she could gain sympathy from Addy. She hides her underwear in her purse, never confronts Kurtz, and doesn’t have the same level of injury.

In the show, we spend time with Beth in her house, see her when she’s alone, and come to recognize that, whether intentionally or not, Addy is playing with Beth’s feelings for her. Addy comes across as the manipulative Mean Girl, shifting the audience’s perspective on them as the show goes on.

In the book, the reveal of Addy and Beth’s romantic attraction comes much later, towards the very end. It’s revealed that they did more than kiss, probably fooled around a bit. Beth’s jealousy of Addy’s growing attraction to Coach is what makes Beth...well, do what she does.

In the book, there is no storyline around Coach being the new hero of the town, the one who’s going to revive the economy with her excellent cheer squad. The book follows only Addy’s perspective, so a lot of the explanatory scenes we get in the show, that don’t have her in them, aren’t in the book. 

FINAL SPOILER WARNING. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

Here’s how the story ends. I do not know if this is what they were planning for the show, since Beth was a much more sympathetic character.

Literally everything comes down to Beth. Everything is her fault.

Beth seduces Will. She takes a picture of their encounter on her grainy 2000s camera phone. She gets Tacy to send this picture to Matt. Because the picture is grainy, and because Coach and Beth look so much alike, Matt assume it’s a picture of Coach fucking Will. 

Matt then goes and confronts Will, while Coach is at Will’s apartment, and Matt shoots him with Will’s own gun.

Beth further fucks the situation up by lying to Addy about the hamsa bracelet. She convinces Addy (in the show and in the books) that the cops found the hamsa bracelet at the scene of the crime. 

The last we see in the show, Addy is outside of Coach’s house, angry and in tears, asking about the bracelet, and getting no response. We then see Coach confronting Matt about it, and “the night we were there.”

It turns out, however, that the bracelet wasn’t at the crime scene at all - it was in Beth’s locker. She finds the bracelet at Coach’s house, the night after the hotel party, and she steals it back. As in the show, the bracelet was something Beth gave to Addy.

When Addy finds the bracelet in Beth’s locker, she is understandably pissed. She confronts Beth in the locker room, and Beth is her usual sassy, obfuscating self. They go to do the competition. This is probably what the “she’s not you” scene was based on, although it happens much earlier in the show.

At this point, Beth is Top Girl again, through a series of accidents on the mat. There’s a very difficult flyer move that they’ve been working on, throughout the book. It involves the Top Girl being lifted 16 feet into the air by her squad, held up a bit like a Jesus figure.

During a huge competition, the one with the scout, in the book, they do this stunt. Addy is one of Beth’s spotters. Beth intentionally twists and falls, so that she lands on her head on the mat. She ends up in the hospital.

The book ends with August tryouts, for the next year. Coach is gone, having been accused of taking part in Will’s murder. Addy is more of a top dog than she’s ever been, because Beth does not return. The book ends with the concept that this toxic, manipulative, abusive cycle, which is all laid on Beth instead of Coach, will continue to spiral on, no matter who is on the squad.

My Take

Tbh, I enjoyed the show a lot more. While I appreciate being able to find out what happened next, I really don’t know if the show would’ve taken the same route. There were a lot of plotlines that were brought in specifically for the show - Tacy and Beth being half-sisters, Addy’s mom being a cop, Beth’s dad living across the street with Tacy, etc. And because of the way Beth was made more sympathetic in the show, I wonder if they would’ve chosen the same ending.

I think that, rather than putting it all on Beth, the show was angling to place the blame on Coach. She was much less sympathetic on the show. In the book, she doesn’t use Addy as a babysitter to see Will. Addy is much less involved in their affair in general, although she is aware of it - that day by the river in the woods does still happen. She’s depicted much more as a Cool Adult who is Far Above all the shit going on in the squad, and that her reliance on Addy only comes out when she’s her most scared, vulnerable, and manic. It makes the line where she tells Addy that Addy is her best friend much more jarring and strange. You realize how lonely Coach is.

Coach also most obviously stands as an example of where characters like Beth and Addy might end up, in ten or so years. Her “perfect life” is under a lot of scrutiny, in both the book and the show, to underline how these cheer girls have big dreams, but will probably end up married, with a kid, living in a house they hate with a partner they don’t care for. It’s to contrast the bombastic, glittery, haughty writing style of the book, of Addy’s narration of it, to show that these are mostly just teenage girls with a whole lot of issues. As beautiful and bright and bold and invincible as they feel, the only thing really waiting for them on the other side is an adulthood with a lot less glory.

I liked the show a lot more. I think it did a better job of showing all of the different characters as well-rounded people, not just stereotypes. Fleshing out Beth’s backstory makes her a lot more sympathetic, and I hate that the book uses a false rape allegation to make Beth a bad person. Coach is the adult in all of this, which I think the show recognized, and sought to correct.

TL;DR - Dare Me made a better show than a book, and it’s a damn shame it got cancelled so soon, because it was better wlw representation, more fleshed out as a story, and less problematic in its stances about the issues teenage girls face.

[dogbearinggifts]

“Dad Sent Me to the Moon” vs. “Because Dad Made Me”

How Luther and Vanya Talk About Trauma, Part Three 

Before I begin my analysis of Episode 4, I feel I should warn you: I kinda break my own rule here. Namely, I said in the beginning that I would compare Luther’s mentions of his time on the Moon to Vanya’s mentions of her exclusion, and sort of implied I’d leave it at that. But after seeing how Luther approaches his own forcible mutation, and thinking on it for a while, I concluded that I can’t limit Luther’s trauma mentions to the Moon. The moment where Reginald mutates him without his consent and leaves him alone to adjust is too pivotal for his character, the way he talks about it reveals a lot about how he regards his own trauma in general, and it actually sets up an interesting contrast for how he addresses his time on the Moon after the big reveal in Episode 6. 

So, from now on, if Luther or another character brings up his mutation, I’ll include it in my trauma counts. If it turns out I’d forgotten about another trauma Vanya addresses later in the series, I’ll add that one in too. 

Part One

Part Two

Episode 4: Man on the Moon

The first trauma mention in this episode is brief, and it comes while Vanya is walking with Leonard to rehearsal. 

Leonard: You’re doing it again.  Vanya: Force of habit. It’s just—when I was a kid, I felt like I had to apologize for even breathing.  Leonard: Tell me about it. I don’t think my dad ever forgave me for being born. 

Once again, we see Vanya bringing up her own trauma. Although this mention is  more appropriate to the conversation at hand, its presence reveals a lot about how Vanya approaches her painful childhood. 

First of all, we see her, once again, using it to explain her own behavior. Why does she apologize all the time? Because when she was a kid, she felt like she had to apologize for her own existence. She was made to feel guilty for taking up space in a house filled with young demigods, and that habit has followed her into adulthood. 

However, this also shows the progress she’s made in processing her own trauma: She is able to connect her present behavior to her past scars, and she understands how the latter influences the former. Even without her offer to Five to recommend a therapist she’d seen, this remark would be enough of a hint for viewers to surmise she had either seen a therapist or read some quality self-help books. That therapist, whoever she was, helped Vanya untangle some of her childhood and get a clearer idea of why she approaches relationships the way she does. It’s unclear whether Vanya always understood (on some level) that the abuse was not her fault, or if the therapist she saw helped her see that, but either way, the result is the same: Vanya knows that what happened to her was not her fault, and that influences the way she talks about it. 

But most of all, this snippet shows just how readily Vanya addresses her own trauma. She’s not shy about bringing it into a conversation—and not always as a swipe at her sister. Here, she’s not trying to remind Leonard that he was shitty to her in the past; she’s simply telling him what she knows about herself so he can understand her better. And Leonard brings up a bit about his own painful childhood, so they commiserate. This isn’t a bad thing, in the real world. Trauma and abuse survivors often benefit greatly from sharing their experiences and learning that they’re not alone. The fact Vanya feels comfortable addressing her trauma with someone she trusts is not in itself bad. The fact she’s chosen to trust a manipulative pile of walking garbage with a face is. 

************

Shortly thereafter, Allison wakes Luther to show him what happened to Grace. Luther’s reaction is, to put it lightly, subdued—he shows little emotion and his statements are matter-of-fact. 

Allison: Poor Diego. I mean, this is gonna be so hard on him.  Luther: It’s hard on all of us.  Allison: Luther? Are you okay? I mean, you know you can talk to me.  Luther: I don’t want to discuss it.  Allison: Hey, no. Don’t do that. Don’t shut me out. When I left, you were still… I mean, what…what happened?  Luther: Dad sent me on a mission. And it went…badly. I almost died. He saved my life.  Allison: Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve helped you through it.  Luther: I was fine. All right? I am fine. I don’t need any help.  Allison: People are attacking our family. I mean, come on. Talk to me.  Luther: I can’t. I…please. Just leave me alone. 

Here we see the first onscreen mention of Luther’s mutation, and—as with the first onscreen mention of his time on the Moon—it is Allison who brings it up first. And in a similar vein, Luther’s answers are brief, although with the Moon, Luther waxed poetic about the sunrise and his “world turning to white glass.” His answers here, in contrast, could almost be considered bare-minimum sort of answers—he’s saying as little as he can while still answering the question. 

It’s clear that Allison is trying to help. Luther gave her space to talk about her power abuse before; now she is giving him space to talk about his mutation. And he rejects the invitation. She accepted his help prior to this; now he’s saying “I don’t need any help. I’m fine.” And it would be easy to dismiss this exchange as Luther not wanting to appear weak, or as him not caring about what happened to him—but both of those assumptions would be off the mark. 

We learn later that Reginald considered Luther’s mutation a failure on his part. It was an emergency procedure undertaken to pull Luther back from the brink of death, and at the time Reginald likely had no idea what all of the side effects would be. He only learned the hard way, once Luther awoke to find his body was, for all intents and purposes, gone and replaced with a new one. And don’t think I’m defending Reginald here; if he had no idea what would happen, staying with his son until he awoke, ensuring he had someone there to explain it to him and keep him from panic, was the very least he could do, and he didn’t even do that much. 

Now, imagine what the recovery must have been like for Luther. The procedure would’ve been explained to him at some point—maybe by Reginald, maybe by Grace or Pogo—but he knows why he looks the way he does, so he must have heard it from someone. He knows it was necessary to save his life. He knows he’d be dead if it hadn’t happened. But if Reginald considered it a failure, how did that impact his relationship with Luther? Did he never look at his son again without disappointment filling his eyes? Did he simply avoid Luther from that point on, refusing to look at the reminder of how badly he’d miscalculated on that serum? Did he send Luther on mission after mission just to get him out of the house, or did he sequester him away from the world, barking orders to get back to training every time Luther crossed his path? Is he the one who told Luther to hide his body beneath that overcoat, or did Luther choose it himself in response to the shame his Dad taught him to feel? 

Grace and Pogo wouldn’t have been abusive toward Luther, true. But they wouldn’t have been supportive, either. Judging by an earlier conversation with Diego, it seems Grace’s programming will not allow her to speak badly of Reginald, and Pogo is always careful to avoid saying anything that might be construed as ingratitude. Grace would have gone on treating Luther the way she always had, and Pogo would probably have done much the same, but neither would have been available if he needed to vent. Neither would have listened if he’d needed to cry, or scream, or shout obscenities at his dad. They could have given him a refuge from Reginald’s shame and abuse, but they couldn’t have given him what he really needed: someone to say “Holy shit, Luther, that’s fucked up. You don’t deserve all that.”  

With all that in mind, it’s no wonder he is, to borrow Allison’s words, shutting her out. It’s the only way he knows to deal with that trauma. Just shut it out and keep going. But I’d like to note exactly what he says there: “I can’t.” 

This line, to me, shows two things: self-awareness and an acknowledgment of past attempts to come to terms. He’s had time to go over what was done to him—several years, in fact—and it seems he’s tried to find some sort of closure. But he never could. He was never given the tools to do so, because the one tool he needed—an acknowledgement that his dad was abusive—was always withheld from him. His emotions are a jumble of internalized shame and anger and self-loathing and resentment and gratitude, but he can’t untangle the knot and every attempt just leaves him in more pain than he was before. So he leaves the knot alone. It’s not a good solution by any stretch, but it’s all he has. 

***********

Not too long later, we see a very different reaction to Luther’s mutation, when Luther is going through Five’s room in search of clues and Diego happens by. I apologize for the length of this quote, but I don’t think a shorter one conveys everything worth discussing here. 

Luther: Do you know about Mom?  Diego: Well, looks like you got what you wanted. One way or another, right?  Luther: Want to tell me what you’re doing here?  Diego: Looking for Five.  Luther: Oh, and let me guess, you’re gonna save the day.  Diego: It’s what I do. Asshole.  Luther: Really? Last I checked, you mopped floors.  Diego: And what do you do? Sit on the Moon, for four years, waiting for orders? Pogo: Boys! This won’t help us find Five!  Diego: Keep on being a loyal soldier? After everything our father did to you? Luther: You mean save my life?  Diego: No, I mean….turn you into a monster.  Luther pauses a few seconds, then drives his fist through the wall near Diego’s head.  Diego: Can’t hide it anymore, champ.  Luther: He had a difficult decision to make and he made it.  Diego: Grow up, Luther, we’re not thirteen anymore.  Luther: That’s what leaders do, by the way.  Diego: He sent you on that mission all alone. Almost got you killed.  Luther: Yeah, well, at least he was there. Where were you? You and everyone else in this family? You walked out.  Diego: And thank Christ that I did, or I would’ve ended up just like you. Pause Let me ask you a question. When you watch one of those nature shows…does it turn you on? 

If you want to, you can look at this conversation as both a response to Diego’s trauma and a mention of Luther’s, but the mention of Diego’s trauma is so brief and the subject changes so quickly that I won’t count it. However, I will note that the argument begins with a simple, non-accusatory question from Luther: He wants to know if Diego heard the bad news about Grace. That’s all he asks, but Diego turns it into a dig at Luther, which prompts the argument. 

Now, I apologize ahead of time if I get off-topic for a minute, but this scene is one of the most cannibalized in the fandom. Those who dislike Luther to begin with cherry-pick his worst moments—mocking Diego for mopping floors, punching through the wall—and pass them around as if they are things Luther did entirely unprovoked because he’s that much of an asshole. But that is not what happens here. The scene begins with Diego twisting a simple inquiry into a swipe at Luther—for no real reason I can see, aside from Diego’s unresolved anger toward the rivalry Reginald introduced to their relationship—and escalates into an argument when Diego deliberately tries to enrage Luther. 

Knowing Diego, and knowing what he says of Reginald before and after this argument, it’s clear that his digs at Luther have a purpose: He wants Luther angry not at him, but at Reginald. He wants Luther to see that Reginald was the villain and get him to place the blame for his problems where it belongs. But the end does not, in any way, justify the means Diego chooses to employ. 

Think about how little Luther says to Allison regarding his mutation. “Dad sent me on a mission. And it went badly. I almost died. He saved my life.” How he tells her not just that he doesn’t want to talk about it, but that he can’t. Think back to the lengths he went to in order to hide it. Unless Reginald kept the Academy at a temperature more suited for snowmen than for people, it can’t be comfortable to wear that overcoat indoors all the time. Think about the way he stared at his body in the mirror, as if it were an unwanted stranger. Luther might have come to accept accept his body on the most basic “I’m stuck this way so there’s no point trying to change it” level, but he certainly is not okay with it. 

So what does Diego resort to in order to get a rise out of him? Body-shaming. 

I don't think it’s possible to overstate how devastating this is for Luther. If you watch this scene again, pay attention to his expressions. He’s angry, yes, but he’s also hurt. Diego has found his sore spot and is stabbing at it repeatedly—similar to the way Leonard later tries to enrage Vanya with chants of “Ordinary! Less than ordinary! Not special!” And just as the attack on Vanya comes from a man she thought she trusted and loved, the attack on Luther comes from his own brother. It’s not just devastation Luther is feeling; it’s betrayal. 

***********

Running count of trauma mentions (cumulative of all episodes thus far)

Own Trauma: Vanya 3, Luther 3  Trauma of Others: Vanya 1, Luther 1

Read on to Part Four

[movetothesuburbs]

Fatherhood in Sunny

 My favorite thing is daddy issues, so of course I gravitate to a show that has so many. So many. It’s always daddy issues in Philadelphia. Uh, I have a lot of thoughts, so I’m just going to jump right in.

Frank Reynolds: World’s Best Dad* *as long as he didn’t raise you

Frank is undoubtedly just the worst person and that bleeds into his role as father. He was largely absent while Dennis and Dee were growing up, the only support he provided was financial. Emotional support was completely non-existent. This leaves us with highly privileged, emotionally stunted people. (Barbara did have a hand in this with harsh criticism of Dee and high praise for Dennis, so yay for toxic parents all around)

Frank poisons and pimps his children as a way to gain more power and money. Dennis falls into the trap more often than Dee does, or at least in a more compliant way. Dee resents people telling her what to do, while Dennis crumbles when people fall into a caretaker role for him. We see this in The Gang Gets Whacked when Dennis just completely loses all sense of independence with Frank as his pimp. We get a glimpse of this in Mac and Dennis Break Up, where Dennis is barely able to function without Mac telling him what to do or doing simple tasks for him.

Dee has verged in the opposite direction. While she still craves the same validation that Dennis does, if she doesn’t get it when she asks for it she decides to try and prove her worth by showing how much she can do on her own. She takes over whatever scheme on her own, or makes a show of how helpful and stable she is. (she isn’t) Dee tries to convince herself that she’s grown up without trauma, Dennis lets the trauma consume him.

The fact that Frank is not their biological father doesn’t end up affecting the dynamic so much. The damage is already done, so when the twins try to connect with their bio dad, they’re unable to form a genuine emotional connection. (as an aside i love the choice of actor being the dad from 7th Heaven) They are fundamentally broken people, largely due to Frank’s influence, so they resort to scamming and scheming. Bruce highlights all the attributes that Frank is lacking: charity and empathy. He tries with the twins but ultimately knows that relationship won’t work out and chooses to distance himself from them. Frank, sticks around, joining in on the shenanigans, but never giving them the love and care they so desperately crave and deserved growing up.

But things with Charlie and Mac are different. The way Frank treats Charlie is much kinder than he treats the rest of the world. It’s unclear if Frank is Charlie’s bio dad, but that hardly matters. Their relationship really blurs the line between familial/romantic/platonic. It’s strange and beautiful and disgusting. Get you a man who will play nightcrawlers with you. Still they get along well and Frank does a lot to take care of Charlie, both financially and emotionally. (in that weird codependent unhealthy way of theirs.)

Charlie grew up without a dad and his mom being was a sex worker (no shame in that, but maybe don’t bring a bunch of strange men around your kid). Speaking of, it’s pretty fucked up that the only consistent adult male figure Charlie had growing up was an uncle who molested him. There’s also a lot to unpack with the fact that uncle Jack is a lawyer, which is a career that Charlie latched onto. (You are not a certified bird lawyer but I support you) When all is said and done, Frank is the best father figure Charlie has.

And in a weird way, he’s also the best father figure Mac has. But I can’t really go into that without talking about Luther

Luther McDonald: A Dad, I Guess* *I hope he gets shanked in prison

Mac grew up neglected on all sides of the table. He was poor, his dad was in and out of prison, and he needed to deal drugs just to be somewhat accepted by his peers. Luther does not love his son. Whenever they do interact, Luther is critical, manipulative, and witholds affection. Again we can bring up the way Mac and Dennis interact with each other. Dennis, in general, is more affectionate with Mac, at least in earlier seasons. They’re on more equal footing and Mac often manipulates Dennis right back. I promise this isn’t an entire post about how Mac and Dennis project their daddy issues on each other, but they sure do that don’t they?

Luther simply doesn’t care about Mac and shows open contempt for him. Mac has been vying for this man’s approval since he was a child. It’s important for Mac to come out to his dad. Regardless of how Mac feels about the outcome, Luther walking out provides some closure. If there isn’t any acceptance in that moment then there never will be.

That brings us back to Frank. Throughout Mac Finds His Pride, he keeps saying that he doesn’t it and never will. But the thing is, he tries. He makes the effort to try and help Mac find his place as a gay man, because even if he doesn’t get it, he supports him. As weird as that is coming from Frank. And in the end he does understand Mac better. So not to praise Frank too highly as a father because he is a disgusting little man who abuses and neglects his own children, but he did kind of adopt Charlie and Mac in his own way.

But we have another father to talk about, too.

Dennis Reynolds: Father of the Year* *I guess. Who knows what happened in North Dakota? Not us. Maybe Mandy and Brian Jr. died

So, obviously, Dennis isn’t someone you’d think of as father material. It would cramp his image as cool bachelor. But the fact is, he totally bailed on the chance to hook up with some mom at the waterpark to spend his whole day with a cool kid. And he was ready to lay into who he thought was her parent. He saw a smart kid, and made a weird connection to her. And even when she swindled him, he was so proud of her. Sure, teaching your kid tips on how to swindle people isn’t good parenting, but it was a bonding experience. His day with Abby was probably the most genuine connection he made to anyone outside of the gang. Sometimes you adopt a daughter for a day.

There was no pressure or expectation with Abby, though. That could be brushed off as just Dennis being weird. Dennis definitely has an idea in his head about what he is supposed to be and what he needs to do to fill those roles. He doesn’t have a strong sense of identity and will latch onto certain expectations. When Mandy shows up with a baby she named after him (or, rather, fake him) it brings to light all the things that society expects. You grow up, you get married, you have children. It’s normal. It’s grounded in something. It’s what is expected of the straight male experience. (when Dennis says things like “As a straight man” i can feel my soul leave my body with shock every time)

The immediate response from the gang is to get him out of this situation. Because one of the roles Dennis has so carefully crafted for himself is the cool, straight bachelor who can’t be tied down by any woman. Throughout the whole thing, we see his resolve crumble. Frank was a piece of shit father, and Dennis has seen how Mac and Charlie turned out without dads. He’s thinking about the consequences of not filling this specific role. (Mandy is amazing af though and would definitely raise a stable child without Dennis’s help)

The crushing weight of your own trauma can make you do some crazy things. Like make you leave your entire life behind to go be a dad in North Dakota because you think that is the correct thing to do. We don’t know what happened there, but the fact that he came back indicates that it didn’t pan out. Maybe Dennis isn’t cut out to be a dad when faced by the expectations of the nuclear family. The fact is, he could be a wildly interesting father who encourages his kids, or maybe he’d just end up feeling trapped and having a breakdown. There’s a lot of fatherhood trauma in there

A Conclusion of Sorts

With all of the gang dealing with their relationship to fatherhood, it is interesting that Dennis, Mac, and Charlie were all fully willing to take up the mantle of father for the baby Dee gave birth to. I don’t for one minute think they would have raised a “normal” child, and it’s likely they would have fallen into the same patterns they saw growing up, but to embrace the idea and be excited about it is certainly something. Mac was ready to raise an entire child with Dennis (That was probably more to do with Dennis than it was about being a dad). Time and time again we see the gang confronted with fatherhood and either embracing it or rejecting it. Dads really fuck you up!