#edit from future: i like how im doing the window. reminds me of when i liked how a sink i did turned out. im truly so simple minded.

[makeitlookdecent]

end of year "colors" (sketch)

[macgyvertape]

Deathloop thoughts (spoilers)

Can’t find the post,  but when I watched the trailers I was reminded of someone saying how if explored deeply Dishonored 2 Paolo’s immortality would either be played farcical or grimdark.

I managed to dodge all spoilers except the big one about Julianna (damn it reddit)

Crying that even on very low the game wants more vram than my 980m graphics card has

One reason I kept notes was because of the way the game requires a time commitment, if you want to progress the story you either finish an area or the time is wasted. My computer couldn’t handle leaving the game on pause and walking away for more than a short time. I would have finished the game in a shorter period of time if it let me quick save whenever, instead of only playing when I was sure I would have no interruptions. I no longer have the time to sit down and play a game through in one weekend like Dishonered 2, so if there’s a sequel then I’ll wait for it to go on a deep discount.

 I didn’t want to engage with the roguelike mechanics, if I was playing carelessly I would alt+F4 out rather than lose all my progress. This is one of the games where I know I would just have a bad time on console due to being unskilled with a controller, so I’m glad I waited until most PC bugs were resolved.

Story stuff and spoilers below:

I clicked on a phishing message out of the general gaming sense to click every message, and then a deathsquad immediately got sent to me. Took a moment to laugh at myself what good game design there

Pretty nice photo of him as head of security

Ah finally residiuum explains the glowing items

The arcade machines play drunken whaler, very cute

“I see those big spankin hands colt” says frank PHRASING

I realized 2 hours in im having much better luck just fighting things out than trying to use nail gun at long range

Went to frank’s area and just ran away after sticking my hand in the thing that shuts off your powers. I just want to get used to the gunplay and level my gear not risk what I had

Got the Sepulchra sniper rifle without really trying for it, I like that I can throw grenades through windows from across the street

Really Frank is the one I’m getting the most info on, with his personal ramblings on the radio, his hand trap thing,  and he was the one to give Colt the nice apartment? (later edit: hilarious how I just fought him in person once)

Lol is Egor isvisible sniping people? Lmao thats how to do it, i can hear the high calibre rounds. INTERACTING WITH THE SECURITY MEASURES ALERTS HIM!!! This level was designed as a fuck you to steatlh games (complementary). Like i hacked a bunch of turrets, got invaded by a Julliana, she died instantly, then now Egor knows im here. Sniper fight i won, what fun!!! As he begs me to leave

Egar got Colt out of an asylum? They have some sort of history? Guessing: before this even happened Colt was getting visions of the loop future or just war trauma

FUCK Fia blew up the island, all my nice things lost

I’m really judging Harriet more for being a cult leader than others, takedown was easy with invis through the lasers and nexus linking enemies

Unless the game does a sudden twist, I think its going to be tragic slowly getting to know these people but then being forced to kill them 

2Bit seems to be a brain in a jar AI, the interactions at first between him and Colt were a bit bugged for me. Actually killing Charlie was easy, just look through a window in his panic room and hack his turrets

Its kinda creepy/pathetic the way Charlie has all these spliced tapes edited to sound like people like him

There are so many enemies in Alexis’ mansion, it was a pain to clear them all out to investigate everything. Basically make a snipers perch, run low on ammo and health so leave to get more then rinse and repeat several times

Julianna yelling about how Colt is a broken man who just repeats the same thing over and over again. Even though Julianna doesn’t want to break the loop how long could someone go with people just reacting the same before it gets to her

Interesting Frank doesn’t have a slab just a poorly optimized gun. Also his statement about not wanting to believe Julianna really does point to a history with Colt

The only good Rapier model is the explosive bullet one with speedloader mod

Got a Sepulchra Breteira sniper that does more damage the longer you hold down the trigger, honestly it can 1 tap with chest shots across the map, making rapier really redundant unless you need to explode something

Yeah the mod for invisibility that lets you remain invisible while shooting makes sniping so much easier

Doing the generators and the mines really are the most dangerous enemy in the game

Colt yelling “are you fucking kidding me” as i repeatedly fail the pressure plate challenges is very relatable. Yeah I’m not gonna bother trying to beat those puzzles in the timelimit. 

DAMN 2Bit can hold a grudge it just broadcasted i was in the Moxie to everyone

So Colt doesn’t remark at all that he was on the rocket from these previous military experiments

At this point I have so many good guns I’m looked up the other top tier guns and none of them fit my playstyle, so I’m skipping the other weapon quests

I have 0 interest in grinding out guns or trinkets with unique perks, if I want to chase loot I can go play Destiny 2

Ah NOW Colt figures out Julianna is his daughter, but documents are saying that her mother never told Colt of the pregnancy so its a rough situation to be in. He had to have found out this before he lost his memories, wonder how it went. 

Guess Colt did some fucked up torture with Frank; otherwise why is this guy behind the glass doing this elaborate trap to kill me. Atleast I didn’t have much residium since I lost it

Love other Colt’s red sweater, I wish the other fashions weren’t hidden behind PVP because I’ll never touch it

Glad that the dialogue now as I go from zone to zone is all about Colt and Julianna, situation seems messy and complicated even before Colt’s memory loss

Some of the messages between Julianna and the other visionaries (like Wenjie) its interesting to see how Julianna just plays around with them, knowing they wont remember the next day. I’m just fucking now realizing that her showing up with different slabs and loadouts means she’s killed the visionaries for them. Not enough to break the loop I bet but for fun and loot chasing. 

Listening to the Aleksis doll, he really is just a Lord of the Flies Wolves style psychopath, no hidden depths just entitled rich asshole

Awwww 2-Bit upgraded me to power user. I actually wanted 2-BIT to feel better about himself not just manipulate him

Besides the reactor is there history as to why Julianna says bringing Fia was a mistake? Fias reactor gets so much easier with invis but I never did it without invis because I’m bad at stealth otherwise.

L Mirov’s argument against AEON seems based, especially if Colt and Frank were torturing people (funny how Julianna talks about it like a meet-cute)

I did the 2Bit hacking quest, and with guns I liked and healing on melee the combat was pretty easy. 2Bit sounds sooo sad with the edited tape of Charlie yelling at him, I actually feel bad

I stayed to watch their domestic dispute, then I didn’t like the idea of drowning them while I ran away so I tried to fight them which triggered the emergency flooding, went out the wrong way so lost residuum but I’ve stopped caring about that ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

FUCKING forgot to go mess with Egor’s experiment so I have to run this all over again. The game isn’t consistent in marking what you have to do to delay-kill a visionary if you’ve done it once. So like an hour wasted, roguelike forced saves like this are a major downside to me. I have other stuff to do and limited free time, I just want to finish the game

2nd run was completely unspotted and after flooding the area I got a visit from “Leaver” colt, minor consolation prize for having to rerun this

For all the build up defeating the visionaries at the party was stealth snipe Julianna, some minor run and gun, then stealth snipe everyone else from the rooftop. Didn’t really use my modified loadout

Julianna says what if the loop ends and everyone is dead, I hope not but thinking there would be another ending seems overly optimistic. (Postgame edit: glad there is one last day, but without Julianna announcing it how much shit goes down before people could be warned there’s no resurrecting)

How does it work that I JUST fought Julianna but shes there at the control center???

The plane crash is a well done first person scene, doesn’t make me motion sick but deliberately disorienting for up and down. The argument they had where Julianna talks about Colt killing her over and over no shit that she’s upset with him

So the part where you go to pick up the pistols, I hesitated in that as long as possible, then when I picked it up “well I’m not going to shoot her so let’s see this cutscene play out” not even thinking about shooting in the cutscene. Then Julianna didn’t shoot either and is there when Coltwakes up, while I have a lot of questions it was very heartwarming her calling him “Dad”.

Time to look up other endings: so in my ending seems they remain in the loop but together, long term it might be pretty dark since you can’t be everything to another person, and the visionaries are basically the living dead to Colt & Julianna. Also whose to say other Versions of Colt haven’t lived this out before….

Break the loop ending: wow space/time seems fucked, also seems like Julianna and Colt’s relationship might be destroyed for good

Looking up stuff about other Visionaries since i was too busy sniping for most voicelines. Egor really has big incel energy.  I also completely missed the spy sidequest and the Pick Rexly one.

[serpentinesarang]

Bend, Not Break

pairing: i.m (im changkyun) x gender-neutral reader

genre: non-idol!AU, boss/subordinate!AU, third-person POV, similar to the kdrama “Romance is a Bonus Book” (small book publisher setting), part of a series

word count: 1683 | next

content warnings: one mention of blood, one mention of alcohol

summary: you work as a copy editor at a publishing house, and you’re a genuine hard worker who never breaks rules—that is, until a new boss takes over your department. you find yourself magnetized and lusting over him, and vice versa, so perhaps your morals can bend just a little?

requested by: @livingwithmx​

a/n: From here on out, I’ll be incorporating more Korean language and cultural things into my writing, but fear not: I will list a handy key each time with translations and pronunciations! To make it more universally easier to understand my included Korean, I’ll write the Romanized words in the story and add the Hangul in the key.

korean key:

⦿ biseonim (비서님) = secretary; pronounced “pee-suh-neem;” (titles follow one’s surname) ⦿ annyeonghaseyo (안녕하세요) = most common and formal hello; pronounced “on-yawng-ha-seh-yo” ⦿ pyeongjibjangnim (편집장님) = editor; reader’s work title; pronounced “pyung-jeeb-jahng-neem” ⦿ soju (소주) = clear Korean grain alcohol, similar to vodka; pronounced as it looks ⦿ jungyeok (중역) = executive director; pronounced “jung-yuk” ⦿ pyeonjibguk (편집국) = editorial department; pronounced “pyun-jib-gook”

♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤

“Good morning, YL/N-pyeongjibjangnim!” Seoyoon calls out from behind the wide reception desk, her adorable chipmunk cheeks dimpling as she watches Y/N step off the elevator and onto the eighth floor, where their employer is located in the building.

“Annyeonghaseyo, Park-biseonim!” Y/N replies, throwing their hand up to wave briefly. They stop at the desk and peer down at Seoyoon. “How was your weekend?”

“Really good, actually,” she chirps with raised brows and blue-contacted eyes aglitter. She moves her hands off her keyboard to prop herself up on her forearms. “He finally kissed me!” she whispers excitedly.

Y/N’s mouth drops open in happy surprise. “It’s about time!” they say, matching Seoyoon’s excitement.

Seoyoon leans back in her swivel chair. “Right?! I still feel so good.”

Y/N smiles, bringing the black coffee tumbler in their hand to their lips.

“I even slipped some soju in my tea,” Seoyoon murmurs, raising her eyebrows again and jerking her head toward the dainty cup in front of her computer.

Y/N swallows their coffee hard and shoots Seoyoon a disappointed look with pursed lips. “Park-biseonim… You know alcohol isn’t allowed on premises,” they remind her softly, friend to friend.

Seoyoon exhales. “I know; I know… Just this one time?”

Y/N pauses, examining the secretary’s face. How could they alert their superior when the sweet girl was just so happy about her boyfriend finally kissing her?

“All riiight,” Y/N replies, turning toward the main doors leading into the office. “Only because of that kiss.”

They smile again before disappearing through the windowed double doors and making their way to their corner office on the far end of the floor. Y/N greets their coworkers, waving at those already submerged in their work and bowing to their superiors. Odd, they think, the entire executive board is here today. Something must be happening.

Y/N gets themselves situated at their modern Plexiglas desk, powering on their huge monitor and turning on lamps here and there. As soon as the computer hums to life, a loud two-toned chime goes off, signaling a high-importance email.

Smoothing out their slacks as they sit on their swivel chair, Y/N opens the email, which was sent to the entire editorial department. Something is happening, indeed.

In it, the department’s director had written:

Good morning, team:

Please meet in the conference room at 8 today to join me in welcoming a new employee to our department. I have important news to share, as well.

~Choi Jaeho-jungyeok

Y/N glances at the time on the computer: 7:57 AM. Yeet! they mentally screamed, shooting out of their chair and bee-lining for the conference room, situated between the editorial and creative departments.

Bursting through the large room’s white double doors, Y/N is greeted by a small symphony of good morning!s and annyeonghaseyo!s, and they bow their head to everyone while walking around to the last open chair at the corner of the rectangular table. Some coworkers have pads of paper in front of them; many have cups of steaming liquid; and others simply have their cell phones lying out. There’s one unfamiliar person sitting directly across Y/N in the other corner seat, though, looking like a stone with their elbows on the chair’s arms, hands clasped, and with nothing in front of them.

As soon as Y/N sits down and scoots in, they glance up to find this man already gazing at them.

Oh my God, they think.

The man across from them is young, around their age or older, and he looks like an Olympian god. Plentiful, chocolate-brown hair frames his intense, dark eyes, and his full lips are slightly pressed together in the tiniest of smirks. He’s wearing a crisp, white button-up with a skinny, dark purple tie. The lanyard holding a small placard hanging over it reads, Im Changkyun and beneath it, Jungyeok, Pyeonjibguk.

We have two directors now? Y/N thinks to themselves. Is that Choi-jungyeok’s big news?

Im Changkyun is still watching Y/N, and normally in a situation like this, they’d break eye contact. But something about this guy has started sucking them in, and the enigmatic glow of his eyes is not helping.

Jaeho causes both of them to snap out of it, though. “Okay, everybody, let’s get started.”

Jaeho is a fortysomething man, gray hair peeking through at his temples and his youthful face looking strangely alight today. He’s not normally this smiley, either. Standing at the head of the table, he clutches a large mug of fragrant coffee.

“You all got my email, evidently, so thank you all for being here and on-time. I mentioned that I have news, and I don’t intend to beat around the bush, so with that being said, I will be resigning as jungyeok, effective next Monday.”

A gaggle of gasps, what?!s, and nooo!s sounds from around the table.

“Order, order!” Jaeho dramatically raises his free hand like a judge, grinning at his joke. “I have been offered a wonderful opportunity on the other side of the city, and I spent a long time thinking it over, so this wasn’t an easy decision.”

He pauses to gulp some of his coffee, pocketing his other hand. “Many of you have already noticed the new face among us, and he’s here today to get acquainted with his new team, as he will be replacing me.”

Several of the surrounding executives collectively respond with an excited, “OH-ohhhhh.” No one seems really upset by this news, and even Im Changkyun has broken into a sheepish smile.

Y/N observes Mr. Im in the moment, noticing his sharp cheekbones and thick brows. His lips look the most tantalizing, totally full on the bottom with a perfectly curved Cupid’s bow above. They recognize a pair of silver hoops on his lobes, specifically from Cartier’s Love collection—ironically, the same design as Y/N’s gold ring on their thumb. Without realizing it, they emit a small hm in their amusement.

When Mr. Im glances at Y/N, they stiffen and immediately angle themselves toward Jaeho again.

“I have been training this employee both off-site and after-hours for the past week now because I, admittedly, wasn’t sure how you all would take the news. So I wanted to train him away from prying eyes,” Jaeho explains, occasionally looking down at the table. “For the next week, though, he’ll be in-house, sharing my office with me—’cause it’s really his now—and familiarizing himself with everyone as well as how you all work together. This is the last leg of onboarding for him and the last leg of Phenomenon Publishing for me. I’m very excited for both my and his future.”

Jaeho drinks more of his coffee and steps around his chair, pushing it in and resting his free hand on top. “I’d like everyone to get back to doing their magic now, and your new jungyeok will spend the day going around meeting everyone. Thanks, guys.”

And with that, Jaeho exits the conference room.

Everyone sits around for a moment, processing their director’s words, but more so trying to figure out if they should say something to Mr. Im, who’s still in the room.

Mr. Im speaks up, sitting upright in his chair. “Annyeonghaseyo, everyone. I want to make my introduction to you all a little more personal, so instead of doing it here and hiding with Choi-jungyeok the rest of the day, I’m going to spend a little time with each of you today. I don’t just want to know your name and role; I want to learn a little about you guys too because we’ll be working closely from now on. I hope to fill the jungyeok’s shoes, quite honestly,” he finishes with a deep chuckle.

Im Changkyun’s voice is like hot blood sliding down Y/N’s skin: unsettlingly appealing, deep, magnetic, and velvety. They gulp hard, fidgeting with their gold ring under the table as Mr. Im speaks.

Y/N’s coworkers rise from their seats, formally bowing to their new boss and making hush-hush conversation amongst themselves as they filter out of the brightly lit room. Y/N is the last to follow the crowd out, and as they send one last furtive glance toward Mr. Im while approaching the double doors, he turns to meet their curious eyes and raises an eyebrow.

Stunned at their unusually brazen behavior, Y/N nods politely before ducking out and speed-walking back to their office. They close the door a little too hard but only because they’re desperate to sit down and catch their breath.

What is happening to me, they think, drinking their own iced coffee.

Y/N spends the rest of their day immersed in their editing tasks, working diligently to keep their mind from dwelling on God himself and how heart-stopping-attractive he is, how entrancing his voice is. They respond to emails as normal, reference the same books as normal, listen to the same low-fi playlist as normal, field interns’ questions as they take turns knocking on Y/N’s door as normal, and they even spend their lunch hour in the cozy break room.

Im Changkyun is nowhere to be seen, and by the time 4 PM rolls around, the last hour of the workday, Y/N had calmed down. In fact, they’d had a spurt of productivity after lunch and were able to finish editing two of the larger manuscripts that’d been stressing them the past few weeks.

Y/N even debated taking off the last hour to quietly read at their desk instead of emailing the finished documents for Choi-jungyeok to skim over, as he gives final approval before the company convenes with the respective authors again. But that’s never been Y/N’s style, breaking rules. They were there to work—“do their magic,” as Jaeho had put it, and that’s how they’d spend the remainder of the day.

Wrong.

The all-glass door to their office swings open, and God himself walks in, plopping down in the small loveseat on the right side of Y/N’s desk.

“I saved you specifically for last,” he says, leaning back in the chair and freezing his eyes on Y/N’s.

They pause for a second before cannonballing into the unknown. “I figured.”

[aspiestvmusings]

WV1: PARALLELS

Parallels, Callbacks, Foreshadowing... 

SUPER LONG POST!

PARALLELS, CALLBACKS, REFERENCES 

...WITHIN WV + MCU + TO OTHER TV/FILM

Wanda/SW doing “astral projection” - reading a book while “another her” is making tea at the same time VS Dr. Srange astral projecting himself in his film as he was studying. 

Wanda sitting on the porch in the countryside after everyone calls her a villain after her actions VS Thanos in his countryside cottage after the snap. Smilar aesthetic VS Hulk going to a cottage in the middle of nowhere at the end of rhe 2008 film to reflect on the damge he did + learn about his powers. 

Wanda vs Agatha VS Tony vs Thanos: Agatha cheering that she has won, ready to direct her power (Wanda’s power she “drank”) against/at Wanda & then nothing happens has the exact same energy as 2014-Thanos snapping and just the hollow noise happening... The realization of the villain that their opponent has outsmarted them, using tricks (”magic”) - misdirection. If you’re not powerful enough or don’t have as much knowledge as the other, you can still win...because misdirection works. All those powerful & evil characters have one thing in common = they think they are “inevitable”, but they always fall for the tricks played on them. In here knowledge is not “power”, but weakness as it overboosts the villains confidence. Flourish! 

I want to break free... Hex Vision wanting to get out of the hex & free from Wanda’s “mind control” (she can’t control him, but she tried). He wants to find answers, and help people in 1x06 VS White Vision after regaining his memories (but most likely not his soul & humanity & connection to Wanda) wants to get away, to break free of Hayward’s mind control (hence letting other Vision unlock his memories). He most likely wants to find answers, and help himself & others.... 

In ep 2 Vision's (stage name: Illusion) magician in their magic act uses the word "Flourish"" as his magic word [instead of abracadabra] before/after every trick VS In 1x09 Jimmy Woo says "Flourish!" after he uses the magician trick (he learned from Scott Lang) to free himself from cuffs. It is a reference to Jimmy watching "WandaVision" & hearing Vision say that because, as WAnda points out, you don't say the word out loud when doing your magic tricks. Hence it’s not a reference to just Jimmy being a magician..since Antman film, but to that ep 2. 

In episode 2 Vision as "Illusion" wears a cape as part of his magician outfit VS part of the real Vision's outfit is a cape! (that he originally added to his costume in AoU after seeing Thor’s costume & cape)

The show starts with Wanda & Vision arriving to WV in 1950s as characters & doing everything they can to hide their identity and powers from everyone. Being afraid that everyone finds out about their secret... [until they start to realize that somethings wrong & what Wanda did...] VS The whole family walking through WV as themselves...in their superhero outfits. Not hiding the true selves from anyone. Coming in terms of who they are. Works both as MCU development & reference to sitcom development of how “ideals” have been portrayed on screen.

Wanda's birthing screams & energy spending: Wanda "giving birth" to Vision in ep 8 flashback VS Wanda giving birth to the twins in ep 3. I feel like in a way her subconcious was reminding her of the "birthing pains". 

Wanda mind controlling Agatha - giving her “nightmares” in WV ep 1x09 = is so similar to how she mindcontrolled Tony in AoU...giving him “nightmares”. Sneaking up on them...  VS what Agatha did to Wanda in ep 8 looked similar...she “mind contolled her” and showed her a story...she wanted her to see (her origins...) Both mentioned that it was easy to do, because the controlled person was so full of doubts that it didn’t tke anything to make them “see things”...

Vision telling Wanda in a past film that he wants everyone to see her the way he does (the way Monica does in WV) - that she is not simply a villain, not someone to be afraid of like the WV people are after the hex, as the world was after Lagos... VS The Hex! Vision telling her that "I just wanted to see you” & “and there you are”... at the beginning of their goodbye scene as the hex goes down...

Wanda & Visions final goodbye scene being them standing in front of a window ...the end of their journey together VS The Wanda/Vision scene in Scotland...the first scene that reveals their relationship to viewers...is also of them standing in front of the window...  Visual Parallels 

WV series setting up the next decade/phase looks a lot like IM  films setting up first decade/phase. Both more character centered & more character driven spries & journeys. Personally...my favourite kind. WV setting up Wandas journey VS IM setting up Tony’s journey. Question is... will she choose the “hero” or the “villain” path. Go Tony’s route, or opposite? Time will tell. 

In ep 9 when Wanda throws a car at Agatha & goes to check on her, we only see her/the witches boots under the car VS The classic image of the Wicked Witch of the West’s boots/shoes under the rubble in Wizard of Oz.

Visions co-worker, Jones says: "I wore a turtleneck" in episode 1x02, when Mr. Hart is firing him VS Vision wearing a turtleneck as they say goodbye to the kids & to one another in 1x09 

In ep 8 flashback to the day Wanda arrived at Westview, and was driving throgh the town, she saw the people she cast in supporting roles in her show. Among them was Jones' (Harold), who was putting up an add on the billboard about teaching piano lessons VS In ep 2 Jones was playing the piano during his performance on the talent show. 

Wanda driving through WestView as she first arives in reality - the town & the people seem in a non-happy state (people alone & depressed, town in ruins, she alone) in 1x08 flashback VS Wanda & Vision driving through WestView as they first arrive in the TV freality (everyone fake-happy & not alone, buildings & businesses flourishing  in 1x01

Vision as the magician Illusion using the phrase "fllourish!" for his magic tricks (that Agatha messes up & Wanda corrects) in the TV-freality in 1x02 VS Wanda after seeing the state of the town & people (that to her seem like her own experience) making the place flourish (alive again)! in1x08 flashback

In episode 1  Agatha introduces Wanda to the womens magazine named "Glamorous" as there is an article there about "seduction tecniques". They read the article/magazine together...Agnes plan to trick Wanda into creating kids VS In episode 3 we see Wanda reding the same magazine (but a different edition...now from 1970s) as she relaxes on the sofa while the hoover is cleaning the house by itself. [PS. The title of the womens magazine in eps 1 & 3 nd Wandas stage name Glamour in ep 2 are actually references to the words other meaning... magic]

In 1x01 Vision tells his boss Mr. Hart that no, he does not have a skeleton, when he's asked if he has a skeleton in his closet VS In the 1x02 sitcom opening credits we see Vision go through walls & floor/ceiling. As he moves downstairs from the closet we see wht appears to be a spider/a villains mask & spiderwebs there. And... bones. 

When Monica blips back in the 1x04 flashback scene she encounters a doctor/person in the hallway who says to her "Do you have a phone? I have to call my wife" VS In episode 1x05, when Vision unlocks Norm's mind from Wanda's control, one of the things he says is "Where's my phone? I have to call my sister. (She's taking care of our dad. He's sick)." [and we remember fro Endgame that after being bipped back everyone wanted to call their loved ones...as the 1st thing they did...] 

Wanda throwing a car, her car, at Agatha (when she can't use her power directly againt her) to stop her in 1x09 VS Wanda throwing a car at Iron Man/Tony in CA:CW to stop him.

In ep 8 Agatha tells Wanda "And here you are (making breakfast for dinner)"  VS In ep 9 Vision tells Wanda at the start of their final goodbye scene "And there you are."

In ep 1 the Harts comment that Wanda made "breakfast for dinner" when they see the food prepared for this surprise event VS In ep 8 when Agatha is holding the twins on a leash she mocks Wanda for using her super powers on simple things like that, saying "...and here you are making breakfast for dinner"

In 1x01 Vision saves the day by calling Wanda covering the bosses eyes with her hands " a traditional sokovian greeting" when she thinks she's welcoming her husband home VS in the 1x08  flashback to her childhood we see that her mother covers her eyes with her hands the same way. Yet another subconcious detail from her real life.

We learned during the ep 8 flashback to her childhood that Wanda’s powers manifested (probability hex) at age 10. It mightve been the first time she “properly” used her magic abilities  VS When Billy & Tommys powers manifesting (Billy: mind reading + “seeing the future” & Tommy: speed) in more concrete way when they are 10 -year-olds... PS. 10 = X (roman numerals) = X-gene (mutants)

In ep 1 Wanda says “my husband and his indestructible head” (as a comic lline)...but VS Vision’s destructed head... aka Thanos ripping the Mind Stone out of Vision’s head in 3: IW, and in doing so “destructing his head” PS. THANKS FOR REMINDING ME TO ADD THIS ONE, @ecstaticreverie

Ms. Hart keeps saying "Stop it!" (with more & more concerned voice) as Mr. Hart chokes in 1x01 VS Wanda keeps saying "Stop it!" (with more & more concerned voice) when she sees Visions body being dismantled...like a machine in the 1x08 flashback.

The Mind-Stone shape: The hexagonal shape of the Mind Stone in Vision’s head VS The shape of the Mind stone painted on the “cabinet of mysteries” in ep 2 used for their magic act VS The mind’stone shaped detail in the center of Wanda’s new Scarlet Witch costume’s “collar”  PS. THANKS FOR REMINDING ME TO ADD THIS ONE, @ecstaticreverie

During the 1x08 flashback scene to a time  after the events of A1: AoU we see Vision enter Wanda's room at the Avengers compund through the wall, instead of the door, d then they have a meaningful conversation about grief. VS In the movie CA:CW we see Vision enter her room through the wall...instead of the open door... as Wanda & Steve are talking about the events of Lagos...This is where Wanda says "Vis, we've talked about this [entering though door instead a wall]"

During the ep 3 sitcom opening credits we see Vision build a swingset for the kids-to-be, but it falls apart VS During the ep 8 flashback therapy scene at Avengers compound Wanda & Vision are watching Bryan Cranstons character on a sitcom on TV build something & it falls apart (falls on him, hurting him...and Vision asks qhy it's funny)

Vision quoting Shakespeare in WV 1x02: “All the world’s a stage & all the men & women merely players..” VS a role in a Shakespeare play  mention related to Trevor Slattery in IM3

In ep 4 one of the specialists in the truck tells Darcy (after she tries to question him) "We'e not supposed to talk" VS In ep 7 Wanda tells the director/person [Agatha all along] behind the camera "You’re not supposed to talk", when during her sitcom a voice from behind the camera replies to her.

Darcy’s fist & last scene had similar energy. We first see Darcy in a militay vehicle, on the way to the hex base. She comments that “we got a full cown car”, when she realizes they’re bringing on top experts from every field. VS When Wanda’s expanding hex traps the base everything is turned into a circus...and agents into clowns etc. VS Darcy uses the “clown car” to stop Hayward. She rams his military vehicle as he tries to flee with the funnel ytruck/clown car (it’s changed shape, but since it in reality the same kind of miitary vehicle it can stop Haywards car)

In ep 5 Hayward "shoots" at the kids & Wanda, when he lets his guys take over the drone Monica is using & fires a weapon at the family VS In ep 9 Hayward actually shoots  the kids (from a gun), when Wanda puts the twins in charge of dealing with the military.

Hayward asking Jimmy about Wanda’s superhero name in ep 5: “No funny nickname?” VS "...and that makes you The Scarlett Witch" - Agatha "giving" her the funny superhero nickname in 1x08. Only...in this context it seems more like royal title than a superhero nickname.

Wanda giving Vision the meat tenderizer (it looks like a small hammer) & him holding it in WV ep 1x01 VS Vision lifting & giving Thor's hammer (Mjölnir) to Thor in A2: AoU

Episode 1 ends with Wanda creating wedding rings for them..from "nothing" VS Episode 9 ends with the wedding ring on her finger being the last thing that disappears after she's taken down the hex & "re-absorbed" the energy of the Mind Stone she created him from. We can still see the ring on her finger a moment after the yellow has disappeared...and then that's gone, too

The newstories on the screens et SWORD lobby are all about the snapped people being blipped back & families reunited & celebrating etc during both Wanda's visit we see in ep 8 flashback AND Monica's visit we see in ep 4 flashback. [Wanda's visit happened earlier, but the door had been replaced before Monica's visit... that had to be next day...no later] 

During a flashback memory scene in ep 8 to a time when Wanda was a volunteer for Hydra we see her watching a tv show/sitcom "The Brady Bunch" on TV where a little girl with blonde hair in braids is putting her doll to sleep VS In episode 3 when Vision on practicing changing diapers he's doing it on a (girl) doll with braids..tied with similar red bows as the girl/character on TV. The same exact doll.

Wakanda is located inside a giant protective dome/bubble - an "invisible" energy field protects it & the barrier stops intruders VS Wanda creates a giant protective dome/bubble (hex-shaped) around WestView - an "invisible" energy field that stops people from entering or exiting...

The “fallen/hurt/dying pose” parallels: Vision in A3: IW after Thanos killed him VS Vision in WV ep 1x06/1x07 after exiting the hex & falling apart VS Monica in WV ep 1x03 /1x04 after being thrown out from the hex VS Nat in A4:E after falling on Vormir… #VisualParallels

When Agnes introduces hersef to the new neighbours she brings a plants as a housewarming gift in WV episode 1x01 VS This is the first things that glitches in episode 1x07 as Wanda “loses control” of reality

SNAPS: "Sugar Snaps" is the name of the breakfast cereal Wanda eats in 1x07 VS  “SNAP” is part of the add on the billboard in WV 1x08 flashback scene when the hex take sover the city VS  Thanos snapping his fingers in A3: IW & wiping half of he universe "out of existence" VS  Agatha snaps her fingers in 1x08 when she disappears from the audience seats VS In ep 1 Agnes says that “this menu can be done in a snap” to Wanda 

The heart drawn on the wall calendar on the date Friday, August 23rd was an abbreviation & was referring to Vision's boss & his wife coming to dinner in 1x01... when neither could remember the significance of the heart or date. Also... "Who needs to abbreviate?" (when theyre both superheroes) VS The heart Vision drew on the property deed of the land he bought for them. Next to the text "to grow old in" - V. (abbreviating his name) in the 1x08 flshback VS The heart on the calendar on the Date Wednesday the 10th in the opening credits for Wandas sitcom freality in 1x07 VS The heart on top of a building in the 1x02 episode sitcom intro

In ep 8 flashback Wanda says "I can't feel you", when he cannot read/feel Vision & the Mind stone (connection) as she is trying to connect to the dissected parts of Visions physical form/body VS In A3:IW when Wanda is trying to read the Mind Stone during the scene at the hotel in Scotland, she says "I just feel you" (not what the stone is trying to warm him about) VS In A3: IW as Wanda is about to destroy the Mind Stone & Vision along with it, he tels her to not worry, cause she could never hurt her, and adds "I just feel you"

In ep 9 when Wanda meets White Vision he puts his hands around Wanda's face, and she in her delusion expects that this is  her Vision & he's just doing "their thing" (when they can share a "mindstone link" like that), but instead this machine starts squeezing her face/skull...because it has been given the order to destroy/kill Wanda VS In the end of episode 9 as Wanda & Hex Vision are saying goodbye she puts her hands around his face (doing "their thing"...trying to feel him as long as possible...as his face is the last thing to disappear with the hex) and doing so lovingly. 

In ep 7 Monica lands the "hero landing" after Wanda "throws" her into the air VS In  ep 9 Wanda lands the "hero landing" when Hex Vision attacks White Vision who is trying to crush Wanda's skull VS In ep 9 Hex Vision lands the "hero landing" when both visions fall to the gground & create a crater into a road. 

In the ep 8 flashback Wanda descibes her grief as "I'm so tired. It's just ike this wave washing over me...again & again.  It knocks me down, and when I try to stand up, it just comes for me again. And...its just gonna drown me." to Vision VS Monica describing the feeling she felt under Wanda's mind control in the hex as "There was this feeling keeping me down. This hopeless feeling. Like drowning. It was grief."

When Vision was born in AoU he flew to the window....and saw  reflection of himself. This is how his journey in MCU in this form began  VS The scene with Wanda & Vision saying goodbye by the window in ep 9 starts with Vision moving to the window (before Wanda joins him) to look at the hex world shrinking outside & seeing his own reflection on the glass). His last scene in this form was a direct parallel to his first scene(s).  #visualparallels

Wanda & Vision saying goodbye...to say hello again some time & some place at the end of WV 1x09 (the scene by the window is similar to the scene we were introduced to the couple) VS Wanda & Vision at the beginning of A3: IW having a conversation by the window, in Scotland (the "I just feel you" scene)  #visualparallels

In episode 2 when the sitcom world goes from b&w to colour, the camera circles around Wanda & Vision...making a 360 degree trip around the room VS In episode 9 as Wanda & Hex Vision are saying their final goodbyes in the saem living room the camera circles around them...doing several 360 degree circles around the room...as Wanda/the hex takes down the house layer/decade by layer/decade...  #visualparallels

Wanda & Vision family watching TV  every night before going to bed in Wanda's TV freality on WV VS Wanda watching TV with her family in Sokovia - the last happy memory before trauma hit her (1x08 flashback scene) VS Wanda & Vision first bonding at the Avengers compound whilw watching TV together (1x08 flashback scene). He's learning "being human" with her help & she's learning about dealing with her trauma.

In ep 8, when Agatha takes down the "walk on memory lane" illusion & Wanda finds herself in her basement, she hears her twins [Billy & Tommy] calling for her "Mom!" because Agatha has kidnapped them... VS In the post end credits scene when we see Wanda make herself a cup of tea + read the Darkhold at the same time, we/she hears her twins [Billy & Tommy] call for her "Mom!" It is not revealed if she's just having a "nightmare" of that moment from ep 8 or is she imagining it, or is she hearing them for real...calling from somewhere [other dimension] 

Vision's plan was for them to move from big city to a small town, build a house & start a family/life together. Grow old together (even if he as a synthezoid presumbly doesn't grow old like Wanda as human would. Though maybe his human form could & perhaps she as  Nexus being/witch can/will live for centuries..but they didn't know it back then?) as he had planned their life together in IW (making me suspicious if they got engaged or something...) as revealed in WV 1x08 flashback to the property deed that lead Wanda to WestView VS Wanda creating a sitcom world where decades change...she literally created an alternate reality where they live his plan for them..they grow old together..in a small town... as seen throughout the WV show...

Wanda seeing Vision dressed as the WV character, but looking exactly like when he died in A3: IW w. the mindstone ripped out... in WV 1x04 VS Wanda seeing Fietro dressed as the WV character, but looking exactly like when he died in A2AoU w. the bulletholes in the shirt in WV 1x06 VS Peter seeing Tony as an Iron-Zombie rising from the grave in the illusion Mysterio created to play tricks on him in SM2: FFH

Wanda seen as "evil” by her castmates..when she thought she did nothing wrong. She did not understand her power & as a byproduct she hurt others...unintentionaly & unknowingly...and now seen as the villian by WV people & world...more.   VS Agatha seen as bad by her coven...when she thought she did nothing wrong. But she was messing with power that she didn’t fully understand. The question here is will Wanda’s journey ahead copy Agathas or will it be the opposite? Will she choose to go toward “good” or “evil” path? Agatha’s own mother did not believe she could be good. “I can be good.” / “No you cant.” Wanda had Vision, who had always seen the good in her & she had Monica, who could she the good in her, too. As Vision once said: “I wish to understant it (the Mind Stone). The more I understand it, the less it controls me.” If we adopt this to Wanda & replace stone with her power, this is a powerful lesson...that she’s carrying  his message within her. He keeps being her moral compass even if not physically there...the memories remain. Vision’s "Be good, Wanda.” combined with the other truths he’s told her as her moral compass might and possibly will help her learn from Agatha’s mistakes. Because at the end of WV she chose the ”good side”, like Tony did at the end of IM. So I see them not copying her journey from comics, but making it a bit different. While in Agatha the book overpowered her, Wanda will overpower the book. Time wlll tell which route they actually chose for her.   Wanda & Agatha - analysis TBA 

Wanda in WV finale...as her character journey starts saying “you don’t get to say who I am... I decide that” mimics Tony’s character journey start, when he says “I am Iron Man” - he makes the decision to decide who he is, define himself (everyone was caling him a superhero, Iron Man...but he then took how everyone perceived him in his new role & made it his own). VS Carols’ origin story - she chose to “stand up” & define herself VS Monica’s origins story - she decided who she was & didnt let the Hex chnge her. VS  What we see with (White) Vision also references this kind of, cause this new re-born Vision comes to a realization on who he is "I am Vision” Wanda & Tony - analysis TBA

THE END

There are many more, but those are the ones I first noticed & the ones I remembered to write down. 

[iliketodiesometimes]

Skyway (2)

jaebum fanfic

skyway intro / one / two / three

pairing: jaebum x reader genre: supernatural, romance plot: Jaebum is roaming the earth trapped between two worlds, in a town in the middle of nowhere. Jaebum continues his bounded life, with no one being able to see him, or at least he thinks so until a girl confronts him. a/n: this is not edited, or completed. I wrote this a few years ago

Here's the thing about life, or my life, or what's left of it anyway; it is unpredictable and ever-changing.

Its simple and everybody knows it, but nobody really seems to grasp it. Everybody is chasing after a better future, letting go of the now, when it should really be the opposite. Leave the chase of the future, for a better now, so when the future comes it can be celebrated too.

Because they'll always come a future, and if there's not, at least the life lived so far was good.

One can imagine my words being so idealistic that they become unrealistic, but they're not.

I'm being honest.

I'm being as honest as the sunlight that gently hitting skin. I'm being honest as the tingling burns on fingertips when dipped in melting candle wax. I'm being honest as a person who no longer has a future can be.

All I have is the past, and all I regret is letting go of the present.

I try not to get too sad, about it though. It's not like I no longer exist. I do, but not in the most natural way.

I'm trapped in the human world, waiting for the white light to shine down on me and sweep me to heaven or hell. At this point, any would be preferable.

There's nothing wrong about the town that I'm stuck in, but there's nothing right about it either.

Maybe, being in Seoul would have been different.

There would have been so much to watch, so many people to see; people that I actually knew, and not a bunch of strangers.

A bunch of strangers in a strange town, but there were stranger things here.

There is a girl; there always is, but her- she's different.

Everybody stirs clear of her way, making sure not to look into her dark eyes. They call her the Ice Queen, and rightfully so.

She was terrifying. On my fifty-eight day here, our eyes met and I froze. It was like slithering snakes were twirling disgusting up my spine, paralysing me cold under her gaze.

I was running down the hall, singing Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, at the top of my lungs. She was in class and looked out the windows. Her cold stare rested on me, and my voice got stuck in my throat.

A shiver ran down my spine, as little goosebumps rose all over my body.

That day I had to remind myself over and over again, that I didn't exist. She couldn't see me, there's no way that she could.

She wasn't even looking into my eyes, and she made me freeze. I could only imagine what would happen if she could.

Apart from her, this town was as boring as they came. Everything was constant, everything was repetitive, everything was stuck in a period of stasis; never-evolving. Everything was everything that I used to seek before, but now revolt.

It was my eighty-sixth day when I realised that I had, what one could call superpowers.

I could copy things into my own little ghost world.

I could walk through walls.

I could teleport, only within this town.

I could touch people, but I tended not to because it results in an incredibly horrible sensation for both parties. But I still whisper into the bad bullies' ears when they're in the toilets. I tell them they have a small one, and they're always stuck in between scared beyond belief and offence.

I wish I could fly, but I couldn't.

I wish I could read minds, but I couldn't.

I wish I could stay at home, but I couldn't.

I tried going to Seoul and to my parent's  home before. However, it could only last a day. As soon as I would go to sleep, and open my eyes, I was back in this boring town with boring strangers.

I brought back things from home; like my backpack with all my music making materials. My Simpsons phone case, and my phone.

I like to believe the most amazing miracle is that my phone is fully charged, always. It never runs out of battery, or data. I'm on level thirteen of the Kingdom of the Legends in Galore, soon to reach fourteen. You could say I'm a legend.

Was a legend.

Or whatever.

I try not think about my life before this. I try not think how I ended up here, how my parents are, how the rest of the boys are. I avoid everything that I can about my life when I was alive. When I go back to the dorms or home, I make sure no one is at home.

I can't look at any of them.

"I can't stand the sight of you!"

I shot my head up from my seat and looked at Bomi screaming at her boyfriend, Jung Chul. I shook my head, as the girl kept yelling at the meek-looking boy in front of her.

From what I heard, they had been going out for five years now, and all those years had been exactly the same. They break up and make-up more frequently then frequentation of adverts on non-cable television. Yet, they were the couple that everyone adored, everyone knows they will end up together in the end, and they might.

I spent a whole two weeks watching them, and they were in love. Not those high school ones, the kind that grandparents have. Looking at them made my heart warm, but it reminded me my heart wasn't real.

It wasn't beating anymore; it was dead, like me.

I turned away from the couple and looked at the dirt instead. It was better than watching another episode of how could you forget our first cupcake together anniversary.

Okay, so it wasn't that extreme, but it was.

It was always on the smallest of thing, but they always made up for the same reasons as well. They were a weird couple.

"There they go again." A voice spoke as they settled beside me.

I turned my head, and my eyes almost popped out of their sockets. It was her, the Ice Princess.

She looked exactly the same as the first day I saw her. The first day I had become this ghost. Boyoung's older sister the one with worry and warmth on her face was the infamous Ice Queen of the hellhole.

"Why are they fighting when they'll get back together?" She muttered, under her breath.

"Just let them do want they want," I grumbled back, even though she wouldn't be able to hear me. "Let them live as they want, as long as they are able to."

I got up from my seat and looked at the couple in front of me. The familiar weight returning on my chest as it always did whenever I thought about the gravity of my situation. I wasn't alive, and I wasn't in my afterlife.

I am stuck here; dead, stuck and rotting away.

"At least they are alive." I huffed as I cast my eyes away from them, and began walking away.

"Where are you going?" She asked, and I froze.

"We have a lot to talk about," she smirked as he poked her straw into her banana milk.

"Look," she held up a pick one. "I got strawberry one for you. I heard that you liked it."

The girl sat in her dark blue dress, the ends of her skirt gently fluttering in the wind. The trees around us danced as the autumn breeze rushed through them. A few leaves fell down, floating to the ground, one landed on her lap. She picked it off with her right hand, as the left extended the pink drink towards me.

I was staring at her wide-eyed.

Could she see me?

No, there's no way.

"It's nice to finally officially meet you, Im Jaebum." She smiled at me, softly. Her eyes were on me, and I couldn't move.

My heart drummed in my chest, trying to escape. My breathing felt heavier as the air left my lungs.

How was this possible? How could she see me?

"How?" I asked, breathless. She sat there on the wooden bench. Her hands placed the drink beside her, as her dark hair floated lightly in the wind. Her eyes were soft, but her lips were curling into an arrogant smile.

"You can see me, y/n?" I gulped, my hands shaking beside me. I clenched them into a fist, keeping them still as I shook my head trying to make this dream fade away.

"I can, Jaebum." She answered, shooting me a know-it-all smile.

"How do you know my name?" I shot at her, I glared at her.

"You're part of a boy group, called GOT7. You are the leader, born in 1996, 1.79 meters tall, and you really have a wonderful voice." She fired back, holding my gaze.

"How long have you known it was me?" I asked her, trying to keep level-headed.

"I found out about you yesterday."

"Since when could you see me?" I asked her, quietly.

She bit her lip, as her eyes cast to the ground.

"I saw you from the first day; when we met by the lake."

Anger shot up my spine, as red blinded my vision.

I couldn't believe it. I was shaking with rage, as my breathing laboured.

"Jaebum," she sighed, apologetically as she saw my reaction.

She could see me all along, but she left me alone in this fucking hell alone?

I held out my hand to stop her from saying anything. I didn't need her pity, or her empty words. I didn't need anything from her. At least not for now; anything she says could tip me over. Letting the blinding rage consume every part of my body like blazing fire.

I spun on my heels and sprinted off to the only place I found comfort. The one place I felt at home now. The place I had opened my eyes too.

[rdwyns]

          hey y’all, it’s kit again ! swapping jeyne out for anya, my muse from the last iteration of warofcrowns but with some obvious edits ! if you remember her from the old version, fair warning, she’s gotten significantly worse. her intro is still absurdly, ridiculously long, i am well aware and will not apologize. but if you do manage to read the whole thing you have my eternal gratitude & admiration ! i’d also really, really love plenty of plots and connections for her so if you want to plot, here’s how: like this post if you don’t mind me messaging you, or get a head start and shoot me a message either on IMs or on discord !

⤷ ( kit. cet. 22. she / her. violence against children. ) the courts offer bread and salt to anya caron née redwyne of house caron. many say the twenty-five year old ruling lady of nightsong is known to be poised and insightful, though ill tongues whisper that she is insecure and volatile. when her name is uttered, one is reminded of a faint light in a sea of fog, sweet fruit souring into wine, & a dark stain spreading over silk. may she be blessed and protected in this war of crowns.

        tw - discussions or mentions of alcoholism, childbirth & pregnancy, domestic abuse & neglect, suicide by drowning, food & disordered eating, forced marriage, mental & physical illness, misogyny. ( yeah it’s a lot, don’t mind me. )

basics.

name. anya caron née redwyne. nicknames. age. twenty-five. traits.      + educated, reverent, insightful, poised, curious, resourceful, sentimental.      - guarded, resentful, volatile, insecure, transgressive, dependent. titles. ruling lady of nightsong. loyalty. house targaryen.

family.

desmond redwyne, ruling lord of the arbor. ( father ) viola redwyne née ???, ruling lady of the arbor. ( mother , deceased ) ??? redwyne, heir to the arbor. ( half-brother ) ??? ??? née redwyne, lady of the arbor. ( half-sister )

??? caron, ruling lord of nightsong. ( husband ) amerei caron, lady of nightsong ( sister-in-law )

pre - history ; house & parents .

the redwynes were always military men. had to be, really, being island people, more isolated and often more endangered than their mainland counterparts. really, there was nothing quite so loved as war, except perhaps wine.

an old, proud house, the redwynes and their fleet have fought for targaryen kings for centuries — they stood by aegon in the dance of the dragons, stood by jon & daenerys against cersei lannister, and even stood by maegos against the dornish and northern rebellions.

lord desmond redwyne took his father’s seat in the reign of king aeron. in a prosperous and peaceful time, men drunk on dreams of a glorious war grow restless — so he hunted, and whored, and drank, and none of it so much as touched his reputation. no, lord redwyne was an honorable man, a true servant of the realm, an example to many.

lady viola redwyne might have said otherwise, had anyone asked her. prone to bouts of melancholy, often disagreeable, and with a reputation for refusing suitors, she might have even succeeded had she not been so beautiful. lord redwyne must have her, and her father could not refuse.

his second wife, fifteen years his junior, and unhappy with the match, she could not love him, nor his other children, nor the arbor. a lack of love in such close quarters sours into hate over time, like bad wine. one of her few reliefs was that he already had an heir and a spare. poor health and misery would not have made her a brood-mare of any longevity.

family history & early childhood . 

as it stood, anya was more an unexpected result than a desired outcome, and ultimately even a bone of contention. she bound her mother by love, to the arbor and the man that she hated.

they were left well enough alone, for a time, viola and her daughter, the septa, and the maidservants. even the wet nurse sent away. anya’s infancy brought a modicum of respite, but it would not last more than a handful of years.

by that time it aroused suspicion. lady redwyne would hardly leave her chambers, refuse to let the child out of her sight, would not see her husband and even refused food for periods at a time. it was unhealthy, unnatural, they soon started saying. in inns and winesinks at ryamsport men would murmur ‘poor lord redwyne, imagine a wife that beautiful going mad on you,’ into their cups, laughing at their great fortune to have avoided his.

and perhaps there was something real to it, perhaps there really was something unsettling about the arrangement. perhaps not. but in the end it was only the talk that mattered. once it reached lord redwyne’s ears, red with shame at being laughed at by traders and fishermen, he put his foot down. viola’s whims were not to be indulged or tolerated any longer, and besides, ‘the child’—by this he meant anya—‘must grow to be a fool or a half-wit if left in her care.’

and so anya was removed to the care of a cousin, mostly sheltered from her mother’s influence. there were fights about it for months. the withdrawn lady redwyne who would not speak but to her daughter and her maidservant and looked to the window whenever anyone looked at her had disappeared. she raged, schemed to steal her daughter away, wept, wandered the halls at night, and made trouble.

lord redwyne even tried being gentle, for a time, speaking in soft pleading words for her to be reasonable, but gentle or harsh it made no difference. if she saw anya twice, even three times a day, it was not enough — to her mind, he had stolen her daughter, stolen her life, stolen her freedom and anything else he might think of taking, and she wasn’t wrong. but when she threatened to throw herself from the eastern tower, she sealed her own fate.

on horseshoe rock, one of the smaller islands in the waters surrounding the arbor, a small stout keep was furnished and staffed, and lady redwyne was sent out of sight, out of mind, and certainly out of the way, where she couldn’t cause another such a stir — and most importantly, after a while, the talk died down.

personal history .

with all the difficulties tended to, and all the loose ends and loose canons carefully tied down, anya’s upbringing was left to a succession of septas, servants, and after a time, an aunt, newly widowed  and returned to the arbor.

out of her father’s favor for as long as she could remember, with a rocky relationship with her siblings ( i won’t go into detail in case my wc is picked up ! ), anya found little relief within the castle walls. she attended her lessons dutifully, could sew and sing and smile, recite the houses, their sigils and heroes, and it all meant little and less to her.

she wanted to set sail, she had always insisted — since before she knew what it really meant, just uttering phrases picked up along the way the way one does around seafarers — but desmond redwyne would not suffer any of his daughters to venture so far beyond his control. he knew better than to trust sailors, and certainly never trusted women.

so instead anya spent years at her window, watching sails shrink and disappear over the horizon ; by the sea, swimming in a cove under the watchful eye of the septa ; sneaking in the fields during harvest, stealing grapes ripe to bursting. searching desperately, maybe shiftlessly, for a little bit of sweetness. all the while she visited her mother only rarely, on namedays and holy days and days when, for whatever mysterious reason, her father’s pity won out over his good sense.

she studied too, though silently, mostly unnoticed. the kitchen girls, the household guard, the way people talked when they didn’t think anyone was paying attention. watched her father most of all, and had no illusions about him. even if she still aspired to please him, somehow, to gain his approval, she knew: he was a cruel man, harsh, childish, selfish, drunk on wine and himself, and yet still too clever to let all of that be his ruin.

her betrothal, like any lady’s, was inevitable — on the horizon of her future, marriage appeared to her like a fog, uncertain in all aspects but its impending approach. in the end it was a transaction, as these things almost always are. a dowry of ships, wine, and gold ( but really, mostly ships ) was enough to make anya a desirable bride despite the whispers of madness that clung to her mother, and she was promised to the heir of nightsong without even the illusion of being well-matched.

demure, docile, even shy, few suspected that, days before she was to leave for her wedding, anya would disappear in the night. would sneak from the castle in the dark, with a torch and one gold dragon, paid to the wife of a fisherman who, in her husband’s small boat, rowed anya to the shores of horseshoe rock to say goodbye to her mother one last time.

it was a mistake, but she couldn’t have known that. she came at night, the only time she could, but to viola, startled from her sleep, she was a ghost in the moonlight. after the truth came, ‘i’m leaving. father says i must,’ her mother, in tears, threw herself in front of the door, on the ground, wept in fits and refused to let her leave. it was the first and last time anya ever truly believed her mad. with promises that she would refuse her marriage and sail home as soon as she could, she left.

she was guilty, of course — so guilty it ate her up, and very nearly killed her, but not so guilty that she turned back. her mother could not bear for her to go, but anya felt she would die — truly die — if she were forced to stay.

the preparations were already well underway by the time word reached them from the arbor. lady redwyne had disappeared. alseep in bed at night, swore the servant, but gone in the morning. the island was searched for weeks, coasts scoured, sailors and captains interrogated, but to no avail. some say she escaped, others that she was kidnapped, and yet others know with conviction that she simply walked into the sea and drowned

though she wore the her house colors instead of black, anya was married in mourning. the wedding was a ridiculous affair, lavish and splendid and festive, and it only made her all the more self-conscious. she was polite, sweet, but in the momentary lull of conversation she looked lost. doe-eyed — not innocent, but wary, reproachful.

( note --- everything that follows may be changed at a later date if / when her husband is applied for ; i’m trying to keep it as vague as possible for that reason, sorry. )

it was a relief to be gone from the arbor, that she could not deny, but things at nightsong were not better. she was withdrawn, in mourning, clumsy in her attempts to draw affection from her husband and all the while mistrusting him ; even at the arbor she knew the household, was familiar with the scullery maids and the maester. here she was a stranger in her own home, and resentment blossomed as easily and intractably as wildflowers.

in the end she found she had traded a familiar prison for one completely alien to her. in the end it was probably worse. she did not sour quickly, no --- it took time, but sour she did. 

tl ; dr , personality .

a traumatic, tense, and lonely childhood, ghost-like and disconnected. mommy and daddy issues, because why not. that and a poor marriage leaves her bitter, withdrawn ; there is a deep, foul darkness in her that she does not have the strength to keep at bay.

haunted by rumors of madness passed down from her mother, hard to disprove when she seems to be turning into her more and more every day. more recently questions of her fidelity have been raised ; she ignores them publicly but remains wary. honestly she’s not ‘mad’ it’s just what they call women with big emotions and opinions, y’know.

despite all that she still seeks sweetness, tenderness --- she is seriously traumatized and seriously sentimental, but not necessarily a good person. she might try to be or think she is, but in the end she’s also very shady and good at lying to herself, or aspiring to goodness. wants intensity above all else, whether good or bad. 

basically what happens when you put a sweet, sensitive girl into the rough, careless hands of men ; even when they do not mean to misuse her some damage is inevitably done. that’s not to say she’s only a victim ; she can be as cruel as she is tender, and hurting only makes her want to hurt more.

very insecure, which manifests itself in a lot of different ways ; does she try to make herself big and powerful ? does she try to turn herself into whatever it is she thinks someone wants ? does she overthink things and say too little end up seeming like an absolute whacko ? does she get overexcited and yes.

poised and image-aware but resents it. she should have been the daughter of a miller or a fisherman or even a knight, but not of a lord ; harbors secret dreams of simple domesticity but she’s been told at every turn that makes her weak or small-minded so she dreams of nothing instead.

plot ideas !

cousins. i haven’t yet decided what house anya’s mother is from, so there are plenty of options for familial attachments there, though probably a house from the reach / southern kingdom ! her father also probably had sisters, although they’d probably be another generation older and have adult grandchildren at this point, so. second cousins ? i think ? 

failed or cancelled betrothal. this is also super open ! again, would probably be someone from the southern kingdom, all things considered. what their relationship would be or whether they had even ever met is all very much up in the air. 

former flings. again i like to keep my plot ideas open to customization and further plotting ! but i also think that she may, probably, arguably, definitely have sought comfort elsewhere after realizing her marriage was not going the places she was hoping. idk man she just wants to be touched. how intense it was or how long it went on or what it meant are all very very open to discussion, i love a little drama but i definitely don’t need this to turn into a ship or anything ! and again this would be open to any gender because all my muses are bi !

enemies. i cannot stress this enough, i love enemy connections. maybe anya’s jealous and petty which she is perfectly capable of being ; she loves herself a backhanded compliment and has a bad habit of lashing out when she’s feeling upset or otherwise justified in her shittiness. could also be enemies due to bad blood between their families, since her dad is fairly shitty also. 

family ward. could go two ways ; either someone who spent some time in their childhood at the arbor or somewhere anya might have been sent for some time in her childhood ? she was fairly isolated at the arbor for most of her childhood but i would love for her to still have some childhood connections or something.

#badreputation friends. anya adores her sister-in-law amerei more than she can express ; both of them have a dark cloud of a bad reputation hanging over their heads. anya’s a madwoman and a whore, and amerei’s killed all three of her husbands, if the rumors are to be believed. which means that anya absolutely adores any lady with a bad reputation, especially if that reputation is only bad because of misogyny. they also don’t necessarily need to be friends, but anya definitely finds them more interesting than most others.

little sibling-ey relationship. yea i’m braindead and not thinking of cool names for these things anymore. anyway, gimme a muse who’s still all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and brings out the very best in anya ; she’s always been the youngest sibling but with an intense need to protecc ( catch her rehabilitating birds with broken wings and defending the baker’s boy from bullies ). also has loads of mostly half-bad advice to pass on ! 

literally anything else ! please ! i just love intense, extensive, or lore-heavy plots but also anything casual and fun i am not picky ! i just ! want plots and connections and muse to write !

[angrylizardjacket]

prettiest things {Ben Hardy/Reader/Joe Mazzello}

Anon asked: ben, reader, and joe going to an awards ceremony and nonsense ensues on the red carpet. reader is trying to act calm and collected for the photographers but it’s near impossible when there’s fingers subtly digging into your sides every 3 seconds thanks to ben and joe. not only that, but during the various interviews, they’ll interrupt by during stupid shit in the background or just sliding in next to you and join the conversation

A/N: 3874 words. [MyEmotions.gif] seriously, super fluffy, this whole fic kicked my ass but im a bit in love with it?? and surprisingly proud of it, please enjoy. female pronouns for reader.

MY BOYFRIENDS WON AN OSCAR?? (not clickbait) | GRWM / FOLLOW ME AROUND: OSCARS EDITION | [Your Channel Name]’ goes up less than twenty four hours after the Oscars ceremony.

The video opens with your usual introduction; you’re sitting in a nondescript hotel room wearing a robe, looking like you’d just stepped out of the shower, grinning at the camera with thinly veiled excitement.

“So my prep team will be arriving any minute now-” you cut yourself off, unable to keep the beaming smile off your face, “I never thought I’d be able to say that, ‘my prep team’; I just feel so fancy and professional!” Wiggling excitedly in your chair for a moment, your grin grows wider, if possible, “I’m going to the Oscars, can you believe it!?” It sounds as if you can’t even believe it yourself, but then there’s a knock at the door.

The video cuts to a timelapse of the stylists fussing with your makeup and hair as a jazzy, instrumental cover of what sounds suspiciously like Don’t Stop Me Now plays over the top of it. You look excited, practically glowing as you talk and laugh with the people buzzing around you, making you up for the night.

The next cut brings the video back to real-time as a knock comes at the door. One of the stylists who was working on your hair takes the moment to open the door, and returns quickly, cheeks pink, a little flustered as she returns to her work.

“Yeah?” You call out, eyes still closed where a makeup artist is focused on your shimmering eyeshadow.

“How’d I ever land someone as fit as you?” Ben’s voice greets you from just out of frame where he’s standing in the doorway of your hotel room, a smile evident in his words, though you can’t see it for the makeup artist still working away.

“How’d you even get in here, I thought-” You were careful not to frown and mess up the woman’s careful work, though you were clearly, at least a little bit, annoyed at the intrusion.

“You banned Joe, not me,” he tried to argue, and you hear the makeup artist laugh quietly to herself, stopping her work to let your open your eyes.

“Now, if I just banned Joe that would be playing favourites; that group text was meant for both of…” your words trailed off however as you caught sight of him in the mirror, looking sharp and grinning in his crisp white suit. “You look pretty damn good yourself.” He laughs at that, fond and bright, and he moves to stand behind you, his hands resting on your shoulders as you looked at one another in the mirror.

“Excited about tonight?” He asks, gentle, and your whole expression shifts, excitement lighting you up from the inside out, which had him grinning to; your joy was infectious.

“Duh!” Tipping your head back, you grin and him, and he grins down at you, leaning down as if going to kiss you- “don’t ruin my makeup.”

“You’ll be fine, you’re not wearing lipstick yet,” and he kisses you quickly, awkwardly where you’re still rather upside down at this angle, and he’s gentle despite the setting spray locking your powders in place already. The hum of appreciate that escapes you turns to a pleased little giggle as he leans away, though he’s still gently holding your face in his hands.

The makeup artist clears her throat.

“I have to finish getting ready,” voice soft, you try not to give away how flustered you're feeling, but Ben's smile says that he knows anyways.

The video cuts quickly to a shot of the makeup artist putting the finishing touches on your eyeliner, with Ben sitting on the edge of the bed, playing on his phone, when the door audibly bursts open. The makeup artist doesn't flinch, and neither do you, much to your own relief, but Ben jumps, looking sharply to the door.

"You look sharp," Ben grins approvingly at the newcomer, and it's then that Joe makes his way into the room and into the shot. The make artist moves back to analyse her work.

"That's quite a compliment coming from you," and as he wraps Ben in a side hug, you and he lay eyes on each other in the reflection of the mirror, "someone should have warned me I'm gonna look like Mr Potato Head between you two." But there's nothing in his eyes apart from adoration where he's looking at you.

"Shut up; you look so good, it's killing me," you half laugh, and Joe actually flushes at that. There’s a quick cut and Joe’s beside you, leaning in to give you a kiss when Ben makes sure to remind him not to ruin your makeup.

“I’m not going to!” Joe squawks, but you pull him back in by the lapels of his jacket as Ben laughs in the background. With way the video’s filmed, the angle you’re at, it’s clear you’re beaming, absolutely radiant as the he leans back wearing his own fond grin despite the makeup artist gently nudging him out of the way.

There’s a few moments that pass quickly; you showing off your finished makeup look, complete with lipstick, Ben and Joe immediately requesting a kiss on the cheek which you’re happy to grant, your makeup artist begrudgingly handing over the lipstick she used on you for when you’d inevitably need to touch it up. 

The dress you picked out had started out as a joke, a shimmering grey for when you get your photo taken between Joe in his black suit, and Ben in his white, but the moment you catch sight of yourself in the mirror, the dress easily one of the most flattering items of clothing you’d ever worn in your life, there’s no doubt in your mind that it’s perfect. 

You scrub the lipstick stains from your boyfriends cheeks whilst in the elevator-

“Stop moving, I’m gonna get it in your beard!” You rubbed vigorously at his cheek with the thumb of your free hand.

“No, I like this shade, it looks good on me,” Joe laughed, trying to move out of your grip.

“It’s gonna look like a bruise in photos!” You argued back, and Joe groaned, but stood obligingly still as you passed your camera over to Ben. He’s standing diligently, but you’re so close and his gaze keeps flicking to your lips and - “if you kiss me I’m gonna smack you; I can’t ruin this lipstick before the red carpet.” 

“This is cruel and unusual punishment,” Joe smirks, his gaze meeting yours, amusement glinting in his eyes, and you’ve finally got most of the lipstick from his cheek, and are now just gently rubbing your thumb over his cheek.

“They’re so cute,” Ben stage whispers behind the camera, and the moment is broken as you turn on him.

“Don’t think you’re off the hook; come here,” and the elevator comes to a halt as Ben passes Joe the camera.

“No, come on, I think it suits me -” Ben steps quickly from the elevator, evading you while he still has a lipstick print clear on his cheek.

“Ben!” You call out after him, half annoyed, half amused where he’s stopped several yards ahead of you and Joe in the foyer of the building. “Jokes on him,” you murmur to the camera, “he’s riding in the same car as us; can’t get away that easily.” 

There’s a distinct lack of footage from the car ride to the red carpet, but Joe’s got the camera as the three of you step out, but Ben looks very smug despite the lack of kiss mark on his cheek, and you’re trying to covertly reapply your lipstick in the reflection of the car window.

And then you’re on the red carpet, brimming with excitement and trying to not let it show, shadowing Ben and Joe as they move from photo opportunity to interview and back again. Sometimes you pass your camera to assistants and others around when you’re pulled into a photo opportunity, and you look so fucking ecstatic where you’re standing with Ben and Joe and the rest of the Bohemian Rhapsody cast. There is an undeniable anxiety, however, that comes along with it, that you try not to show, because this is an exciting occasion, and your boyfriends are in an Oscar nominated film, and this isn’t about you, but you can’t help but worry at times that you’re being left out. They’re so caught up in the ocean of bright lights and big names and microphones being presented.

But then there’s Ben, wrapping his arm around you, gently nodding to where Joe’s doing a ‘serious’ interview about Bohemian Rhapsody, or perhaps what his future projects were, but all you knew was that the angle of the camera he was being interviewed in front of left a good two thirds of the shot empty, and it was your time to shine.

It���s difficult to goof around in a suit and a dress, but god if you guys don’t try. Starting with awkward dancing, moving on to try and make strange shapes behind Joe’s head in the background, and culminating with the interviewer awkwardly stopping mid sentence to just frown over her shoulder at Ben balancing a water bottle on his head and you trying to smack it down.

“How long have you guys been there?” But he’s laughing instead of being annoyed like the interviewer, but that’s the moment that you land a solid hit on the waterbottle and it crashes to the ground, or more accurately, into the plant behind you, and it spills all over the fern. There’s a long moment of silence where you look panicked, and then shoot that look directly at the camera and you realise you’ve been caught red handed; Ben is doubled over with laughter.

“I gotta go.” You mutter, though the camera’s focused on you now so even though people can’t hear you can pretty effectively read your lips. And then you bolt.

“I made a mistake,” you whisper into your own camera, playing up your nervousness as you hide behind a completely different plant. The next shot, however, was you sheepishly peering out from the bushes, and flipping the camera around to catch an amused Joe and Ben as they approached.

“‘scuse me, Miss, we’re looking for our girlfriend,” Ben grin, tipping his head to the side to catch your gaze behind the camera, “she hasn’t come by here, has she?”

“Sorry, I haven’t seen her, it’s just me and my shame plant,” you stifle your own laughter, though you’re clearly smiling by the way their expressions brighten at your words. 

You don’t include the next moment, stepping out from the bushes, letting them wrap you up in a hug, amused at your antics. Joe presses a kiss to your temple, and Ben assures you that it’s okay.

“You didn’t have to laugh so much, asshole,” you shove him, but you don’t seem too bothered by it, judging by your smile. He just seems to think it’s funny.

“You looked so worried, it was cute,” Ben tried to pout his way out of the situation, but you shook your head, clicking your tongue and leaning further into Joe’s arms where he was still hugging you and trying not to laugh.

“It wasn’t cute!” You cried, but both Joe and Ben made faces that said otherwise.

“It was a little cute,” Joe hummed, and you threw your hands in the air, careful not to hit him as you pulled yourself out of his embrace.

“You’re on his side? Betrayal, left and right,” you tutted, shaking your head, but you allowed yourself a pleased little grin as they both came back in to wrap you up in the middle of their hug.

“You’re such a sook.” Ben laughed, voice somehow still adoring. You can’t really bring yourself to be mad, especially not the next day, when photos of the three of you during this little incident begin to surface, and you look so damn at home between them.

There’s a quick cut away where you explain to the audience that you can’t actually show them the awards ceremony, and it would be rude to film anyways.

But you’re still there for the ceremony, sitting on the edge of the cast because they sit together, Ben on the edge where he’s got a hand on your thigh and a hand hold Joe’s and maybe he squeezes a little harder than necessary when BoRhap’s name is called in the nominations (and maybe you’re okay with that).

They win.

Sound editing. Sound mixing. Film editing.

Rami won best actor. 

Your boys - in a general sense; the cast and crew of BoRhap would always be, in your heart, your boys - won. 

They’re not expecting Best Film, but you’ve got yourself tucked up against Ben’s side in anticipating anyways, his nails a little sharp against your leg, reaching behind him to give Joe’s shoulder a squeeze. They don’t win, but there’s still that ‘we got nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars’ that hangs in the air as the tension releases and Green Book is announced. Joe lets himself relax, as do you, and you rest your head on Ben’s shoulder, while Joe leans against him and breathes deeply, though the breath he’d been holding.

Everyone scatters after the ceremony, to go congratulate, get drinks, take photos, and you find yourself hovering at the edge, looking on with pride as Ben and Joe took photos with the rest of the cast and crew. You took a few photos yourself, but your vlogging camera was still off, and stowed safely in your handbag. 

Ben’s the first to find you; Joe’s taking photos with Rami, but Ben’s spotted you at the edge of the room, seeing the way you’re just quiet and smiling, and he goes to make sure you’re okay.

Before he can even get the question out, you’re holding his face in your hands, pressing your lips gently to his, glowing with pride and joy as he kisses you back.

“I love you,” you’re a little breathless when you say it, and he laughs softly, surprised at the abruptness. It’s not that he didn’t know, it’s not the first time you’d ever said it, the timing’s just a little strange. “And not because of the awards or the suit or anything fucking superficial like that; I love you and I love Joe because you’ve so clearly put your heart and soul into this, and all your work, and,” with a shaky laugh, your gaze drops to where your lipstick has left a mark, and your run your thumb gently over his lips, “and I’m so proud, and I’m so damn grateful to have such passionate people in my life. I can’t wait to see how far you’re both gonna go; I just-” something catches in your throat as you look back up to meet his eyes, and you’re so sincere it’s honestly a little disarming, “I just know it’s gonna be spectacular, honestly.”

He’s silent for a very long moment. Just staring at you, awed, his arms around you, gaze almost reverential.

“I don’t know what to say,” he says gently, a blush rising on his cheeks, and god, you can see the love in his eyes.

“You don’t have to,” you respond, and he’s kissing you again, warm and insistent, his hands firm on your hips, trying hard not to smear your lipstick too much, though you can tell he wants to. 

There’s a gentle pressure on the small of your back and you know without even looking that it’s Joe, and when you pull back from Ben, it’s automatic how you wrap your arms around Joe, beaming. Ben just laughs.

“I love you,” you preempt whatever Joe’s about to say the same way you had with Ben, and Joe’s eyebrows raise. He’s got one hand on the small of your back, holding you steady, the other comes up to rest on your cheek, thumb gentle as he fixes the edge of your lipstick, “I love you, and not for any superficial bullshit reason, I love yo-”

“I know.” He’s smiling gently, and you blink at him in shocked silence.

“Did you just Han Solo my supportive ‘I love you’ speech?” You gasped gently, and his smile grew wider, but no less adoring. 

“There was a whole speech?” He asks quietly, absolutely glowing with pride of his own, tightening his grip on you a little, and you feel your shock and slight irritation melt easily at his expression.

“Well, the gist of it is,” you begin with a rather shy smile, shocked out of your rhythm, “I just can’t wait for you both to get everything good that you deserve in life, and I can’t wait to be there for it.” 

When Joe kisses you, it’s gentle, he’s smiling against your lips. He’s still got a hand on your cheek, and the hand on your back gives a gentle, reassuring squeeze, but as Ben seems to remember your lipstick staining his lips, Joe’s hand moves from your face to catch his before he can wipe the lipstick off. When Joe moves back from you, he’s still holding a very confused Ben’s hand.

“We match.” Joe grins, voice soft, and it’s the first moment they’ve taken since the ceremony just for themselves, and it’s Ben who steps in to press a gentle, amused kiss to Joe’s lips. 

“We won.” Ben grinned, full of joy and relief, still holding Joe’s hand, with no intention of letting go any time soon.

“Dude, we won,” Joe agreed, before he reached up to clean up the edge of the lipstick stain, “I love you, ya know,” he paused for a moment, wearing a pleased little smile as his gaze slid over you and Ben, who were both regarding him with adoration and amusement, “who thought we’d end up here of all places.”

You end up taking a selfie of the three of you with matching lipstick stains before the boys wipe theirs off, and you head to the bathroom to carefully just wipe off all traces of the lipstick and apply a bit of chapstick, knowing the lipstick would be ruined anyways.

The video picks up at the afterparty, or, well, the red carpet into the afterparty, getting their photos taken and having interviews done. And perhaps they’d had a few drinks here and there during the ceremony and on the way to the afterparty and there may be an interview where you’re out of focus in the background, taking off your shoes (the heels were a nightmare), before Joe wraps you in a hug, and Ben tugs you both out of shot, and the audience won’t know that it’s the same direction as the surprisingly spacious bathrooms, but you’ll know. 

You don’t look noticeably rumpled in the following shots, talking to the rest of the cast excitedly, getting lost amidst the crowd of famous people, trying to act nonchalant and respectful as you make polite conversation with some of the biggest names of the industry.

The next shot is of Ben at the after party, face a little pink as he’s practically beaming.

“Joe, I found her!” He calls over his shoulder, for turning back to you with a grin, completely disregarding the camera in your hand, “We found you; we’re gonna go on an adventure.” And he follows it up by noticing you’re filming and announcing it into the camera; “me, Joe,and Y/N are gonna go get snacks.”

“Snack adventure!” Joe announces from somewhere behind him, and you can’t help but laugh.

“You guys are drunk,” you muse fondly, if not a little exasperatedly.

“And you’re pretty, are we just saying things now?” Joe pops into frame, resting his chin on Ben’s shoulder, eyebrows raised at you.

“Let him finish,” Ben declares, hand coming up to pet Joe’s cheek, who let out a goofy grin, turning and pressing his forehead to Ben’s cheek.

“I was finished.” He snickers, and Ben grins, amused and unselfconcious as he turns to rest his forehead against Joe’s, the moment surprisingly intimate as Ben laughs a little.

“You were finished?” He asks, and Joe nods, confirming quietly as both their voices drop low and teasing in that drunkenly flirty way, with Ben’s fingers still absent mindedly stroking Joe’s cheek. There’s an undeniable tension, all three of you know where this is leading, but Joe seems to be the only one to remember the camera.

“We should get snacks.” He grinned, and Ben, sensing the tone shift, couldn’t help himself as he pressed a quick kiss to his lips before looking to you.

“Snack adventure; you in, babe?” And both boys affixed you with their best puppy dog eyes.

“Of course I’m in.” You agree easily, and both Ben and Joe cheer before you hear an also very drunk Rami announce that he’s a snack.

“That’s what- that’s like an internet thing, right? Like snack, but with two ‘c’s. I’m a ’snacc’.” He asks, and you turn the camera to face him and he’s grinning, giggling to himself, and still holding his Oscar. His bowtie is beyond help.

“Oh God, Rami I’d die for you.” You breathe, completely in awe of the fact that you got to witness whatever that was in real life, ignoring Ben’s laughter and Joe’s ’oh Jesus Christ’. Rami gives you finger guns before you cut to the next clip.

“We’re on our way to Seven-Eleven; they’ve got a special car for us! It’s our car for the night!” You stage whisper in the back of the car, beaming and giggling, and when you get to the gas station in question, the boys start filming a video for Instagram at the counter, and you’re making your way through the aisles, tossing up on what to get.

“Babe, have you decided yet?” You hear Joe’s voice and pop around to the end of the aisle, three different bags of chips in your arms, frowning at the phone he’s pointing at you.

“There she is,” Ben snickers quietly.

“Not yet.” You grumble, also awkwardly filming him with your camera in your partially free hand. 

You end up with a packet of candy and a drink, and pick up filming again in the back of the car, giving the boys your food to hold as you rattled off your standard outro, before turning off the camera and sighing with relief.

“We did it; we survived the Oscars.” Joe announces, almost immediately leaning his full weight on where you’re sitting in the middle, he’s got a hand on your knee, awkwardly pulling up your dress so he can rest his hand on bare skin instead of fabric. Ben slings an arm around you, his hand coming to rest at the back of Joe’s neck as he’s also leaning against you, gently scratching at Joe’s scalp.

“Survived seems like a bit of an understatement,” Ben chuckles, and Joe huffs out a laugh of agreement.

“You guys kicks the Oscars’ ass,” you proclaimed, and Joe gives your knee a squeeze and Ben presses a kiss to your temple, “but can we go back to the hotel now?” You asked, and they were both quick to agree, before you added, “this is honestly one of my best looks so far, and if I don’t get laid, it’ll be a crying shame.���

“Babe, you do not need to worry about that at all.” Joe assured, looking up to meet your gaze as you turn to look at him, and his lips are inches from yours; Ben’s humming with agreement, already pressing a kiss to your neck. As if it were even possible, you know the night was about to get even better.

the syndicate: @florenceivy @queens-babe @doctorwhatwhenandwhere @cosmicsskies @itsametaphorbriansblog

(crossed out means it couldn’t tag; send me a message and i’ll add you)

[childofthetheoi]

my religious journey - hellenic polytheism

this is going to start when i started on the hp path because before that it was a MESS yall. but uuuuh here we go!

edit: uh holy shit this really got away from me - i’m really not kidding when i say i could write books about this stuff. there’s a tl;dr at the bottom

here’s an attention-grabbing summary: my path has had a LOT of bumps and pain and sadness but im in a really good place right now!

okay, so my hp path began when i was 16-17 ish (i’m 22 now). i was raised presbyterian and wasn’t personally christian, but i liked the idea of having something to believe in and help guide my life.

my high school years were some of the darkest of my life second only to freshman year of college, and i felt like i was floundering and needed an anchor. i started thinking about religion, but i just Wasn’t Christian, so that wasn’t a path for me. i had dabbled a little in general paganism, doing some things here and there, so i started turning my attention to the theistic forms of paganism. i followed a lot of people who were very open about their faith, and i think that really helped me feel comfortable with taking the first steps - i wasn’t weird for being pagan.

at first, i looked to the kemetism. i had a lot of interest in it as a kid, so i thought that was as good a place as any to start... but nothing ever really clicked for me. i felt pretty bummed about that, because i was just so desperate for SOMETHING (you’ll find this is a common theme here lmao). so i went back to being unsure, until i started to take a hard look at things that felt powerful to me and special. i’m someone who is incredibly drawn to the ocean and the night sky, but also fire in any form. so, i started looking into those things individually. i’m not really sure how, but i eventually ended up reading a bunch on hellenic polytheism - this is around age 17-18.

nothing still quite felt right that i was reading, but i really liked hekate. i started trying to reach out - i built an altar, made offerings, said prayers, the works. i now do think she was there with me, but i was so caught up on needing Big Signs and Religious Moments that i just discouraged myself when that didn’t happen. i stopped working with hekate at age 19 - i was upset, mostly with myself for my own perceived failures. i went back into sadness and desperation, and continued to read about hellenic polytheism and following blogs on tumblr about it. i was frankly jealous of everyone else, because they seemed to have these intense, special relationships with these deities. i think part of my downfall is that i am an extremely skeptical person - and i tend to be a bit dense and miss the little things. i had (and have, at times!) SO much doubt in me, and i just didn’t see the whole religion thing happening for me.

finally, at the end of 2017 (age 19) i met one of my best and most special friends sarah. i honestly don’t remember how i found out she was a hellenic polytheist, but i don’t think it was until 2018? anyway, i asked her a bunch of questions and was just generally excited to actually meet someone IN REAL LIFE who was pagan like me. she is... a very patient person, and answered any question i asked her (and still does - bless you) about her experiences.  something that sarah said off-handedly at one point really changed the game for me.

there’s no right way to do or experience religion. WHAT? i had lived my whole life thinking there was One Right Way to do everything, and she crumbled that impression with just one sentiment. i don’t think i’ve ever actually mentioned this to her - but it really opened me up to realizing that things may turn out right for me, and i’d find where i belong in religion.

i spent a lot of 2018 in a lot of pain and upset about not being able to figure out religion, and it all came down to new year’s. i had been talking for months about wanting to find my place, and a deity (or several) to worship and maybe even dedicate myself to. i told her about how much it hurt to feel like i was lost, searching for my anchor. she did a tarot reading for me about my path, and told me about where i was and where i was going. she told me she felt someone extremely excited to meet me, almost like they were outside a window - pointing and jumping in my direction, and going “I CHOOSE THEM! I WANT THEM!” this absolutely flabbergasted me. a deity, excited about meeting me? excited about having me in their followers? surely that couldn’t be right.

i took this experience to heart, and began trying to reach out and soul search about who could be reaching out. i hit a lot of brick walls, but i kept reminding myself that i was strong, and that it would happen with time if i just kept myself open.

and then it happened. i was in my room, doing a general prayer, basically just talking out loud about how badly i wanted to ‘meet’ this deity.  then hermes hit me like a brick wall. i feel like this is a universal experience for people who worship hermes, lmao.

i did a ton of research, started directing my prayers at hermes, and i realized that he was in every facet of my life. i felt him when i worked out, i felt him when i was in class, i felt him on the road, i felt him when i was at my lowest points. and, honestly? he really was excited to have me. i had someone on my side.

i’m not sure i can even begin to put how happy, overjoyed, satisfied, and peaceful i feel now that i have been working with hermes, worshipping him, loving him. his presence in my life is honestly one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and i cannot express how thankful i am for him.

TL;DR: i had an extremely bumpy path throughout my religious life, and when i stopped putting pressure on myself to be perfect, i finally came to the new beginning i was looking for.

if you’re curious about any part of my story, or want to know more about my worship with hermes, or even about random things like how i think my christian upbringing affects my current religious path - PLEASE send them my way! i would love nothing more than to share.

i may make another post soon about more specific things - the things i have experienced working with hermes, my particular relationship with him, my doubt, other things like that in various posts. i’d really like to share more in the future, because i know it’s important to me to try and help others religiously - i pray that my stories can help anyone like others have helped me.

i hope you enjoyed reading this, and maybe it brought some kind of new perspective to your worship or your path ♥

[yoong-seok]

Ring, Ring

Pairing: yoongi x reader, romantic or platonic, up to you! 

Genre: Fluff, comfort

Word Count:  1362

Warnings: This does bring up/deal with panic attacks and anxiety attacks. 

A/N:  Hi! I haven’t posted in a long time mainly bc I kept writing, editing, deleting, and so on. This took two months...and even now I’m not fully satisfied, but sometimes you just gotta let things GO. I’m thinking of having a lil mini-series? with each of the members. It’ll be called Ring, Ring! I hope you guys enjoy, and as always any critique is welcomed! (also im sorry if there are still some mistakes!) I want to also shout out to @versigny !!! I had asked her if I could use a line she had used in her fic bc I loved it so much and it tbh inspired this and she was sooooo nice and kind. Pls follow her (but u prob already do bc her writing is beautiful). I didn’t end up using it, but her kindness is just something I have to thank her for!

Within the expanse of your bed, you feel cold. As you lay curled up, head bowed down, legs brought up your stomach in a loose fetal position, your teeth chattering and your heart feeling lonely. Growing up, you had the comfort of your loved ones. From summer vacations with your cousins, piling on the beds, sharing blankets and jokes; to winter holidays, fitting too many onto a small loveseat as you opened any gifts and shared stories. You never once felt alone. The warmth and love had always washed over you, and you’ve grown so used to it.

But, now, you’re all alone. Far from your family with a new house in a new city, a new job, and a new life. It’s overwhelming. The emptiness of your house is suffocating. You take in each breath from your nose, the icy air stinging as it travels down to your lungs and back out again. Tomorrow, you were going to walk around and acquaint yourself with the new surroundings, but you don’t want to. You want to go back home. Back to warmth. Back to your family—their love and reassurance. Back to-

"Hello?" you hear. As you calm down, you notice you’re sitting against the bed frame, phone in hand. Briefly, you check the screen to see who’s on the other side of the phone.

"Yoongi," you try to breathe out, but the panic attack still hasn't left your lungs, so you barely choke out the 2 syllables.

"Hey, what's wrong? Are you okay?" his voice is gruff, laden with concern. You don’t even know what time it is, but the sky absorbs the aura of lights from the city. "Hey, it's okay. You’re at your new place, right?  I'll be there in 5 minutes. Do you want me to stay on the line until I get there?" You shake your head and croak out no. "I'll see you soon."

You hang up and only then do you notice the time: 2 AM. He was sleeping, and you woke him up because you didn’t know how to be alone. How stupid. Your breathing became ragged. Hiccups falling between every few breaths. You wipe your tears harshly and quickly go to your call logs to call Yoongi back. Tell him he doesn't need to come over. You're sorry, you shouldn't have disturbed him, he has a full schedule tomorrow and he needs as much sleep as he can. Yet, as the ringing continues, you know that he’s already on his way.

You’ve known Yoongi for nearly half your life. The two of you had met in high school. As a lonely freshman, you walked around during lunch period, trying to find somewhere to eat. You decided to sit next to the music classroom. Finishing your sandwich, you heard someone playing the piano from inside the room. You peeked through the small window and saw the back of the blue suit from the school uniform. The soft notes of Fur Elise were playing before he stopped and began playing a piece that was unfamiliar to you. It sounded good. He was really good. The lunch bell rang and he turned, seeing you staring at him. You quickly threw your lunch in the trash and ran to class, feeling your face grow hot.

The next time you saw him was later that day when you were waiting for your mom to pick you up. You were staring at your phone and didn’t notice him walk next to you.

“You were outside the music room, right?” his low voice asked. You jumped slightly. Your ears grew warm as you recognized the face.

“Um...yeah. Sorry…” you mumbled. He said nothing for a moment, and you feared that he would make fun of you.

“Why were you sitting alone for lunch?” he asked. You looked up at him, but he kept his eyes forward.

“Oh, um, I’m a freshman. I don’t have friends, yet...” you answered him, slightly shocked that he was keeping a conversation with you. He paused again.

“Did you like it?” he asked in a softer tone. “Not Fur Elise...the other thing.”

“Oh yeah! I didn’t recognize it, but it was really good.”

“It was uh....” he sighed, “It was my own song. I’ve been working on it for a while.” Your eyes widened.

“No way! It was so good. It sounded beautiful! I don’t know much about music, but it was really pretty.” He finally looked down at you and you found yourself mesmerized by his brown eyes, and beautiful pale skin. And he let out a small smile. You found yourself smiling back at him.

“My name is Yoongi.” He sticks his hand out for you to shake.

“I’m ____.”

The doorbell rings through your apartment. You get up from bed and open the door.

He’s in sweats and a stained t-shirt that is likely from the laundry basket. A light black jacket covers his frame. He had dark circles under his eyes, and his black hair was sticking out in all directions. He walks inside, arms reaching out to a hug. The jacket and t-shirt have residual cologne, a musky scent with a mix of something you couldn't place...kimchi?

"Hey, I'm sorry. I was already driving when you called and it was on vibrate, I didn't hear it or see it until I got here," he says, the gruffness from earlier still lingering. “Are you okay?” Why is he apologizing? You’re the one who called him in the middle of the night, woke him up, made him worried enough to drive to your apartment. He has nothing to apologize for, you did.

“I’m okay. I’m sorry for worrying you and waking you up, I bet you have work tomorrow,” you mumble into his shirt, the sound of your voice muffled.

“Psshh, no. I was already up,” he says. You give him a knowing look. He tries to keep a straight face but gives up after your continued glare. “Okay, so I was sleeping, but don’t be sorry. I’m glad you called me.” You groan lightly into his shirt and mumble out another apology. "Let's go to bed," his voice barely reaches your ears. You nod noticing your lack of energy. You lay down and he sits against the headboard. He's being so kind and patient, not forcing you to say anything or asking any questions. It reminds you of how nurturing he is. You don't deserve him.

"I just got so overwhelmed," your voice is soft, yet the cracks from the panic attack are still reminiscent. You stare at the ceiling. He hums. You turn and face him. Instinctively, you burrow into his chest.  Yoongi lightly wraps his arms around you before speaking,

"Do you want to talk about it?" You deeply breathe in his hearty scent again. Your eyes flutter shut. Home.

“I’m just so alone," you begin to ramble. "I always had friends or family with me, but now, I’m by myself and I don’t know anyone here, and I’m so scared to go out and have to experience everything all alone. It’s too much for me.”

Yoongi is silent.

"I know you don’t want to hear me say that you’re not alone…I hated it when everyone said it to me…” You realize he probably went through a similar experience when he first moved to Seoul so many years ago. “Everything feels so scary. And it seems like you’ll never fit in.

“But, you’ll make friends. You’ll meet people. You think you’ll feel lonely forever, but I promise it won’t.” He lifts your head. The deep coffee of his eyes stare into your soul. You feel vulnerable. You feel naked. "And you have me and the boys. You can always call us.” He smiles, looking into your eyes. Feeling the original comfort of warmth, love, and reassurance, you smile back.

You don't know how to respond or what to say. Yoongi brushes his lips against your hair and you grip onto him. The change wouldn't happen overnight. Not much will change over the next few weeks. But, you feel safe knowing that Yoongi is by your side for the unknown future.

[briteboy]

okay i’m gonna be real with you. i have...a LOT...of messages. going as far back as like...january? probably? i know...i’m so bad...don’t crucify me. i tried to get through all of them but there were a lot that i didn’t have a worthwhile reply for so i’m sorry if i didn’t answer something you sent :{

so here we have: a lot of nice things, a lot of santisms, reactions to the lou and cillian punchout, a few responses to my portfolio and other stuffs...i wanted to put astrology asks in at the end but it’s...a lot more than i thought it was and it’s 3 am so i’d rather die than answer all of those LMAO sorry. i’ll get to it next time

Anonymous said:

u can delete the snorting cum asks but it will still follow you for eternity

okay so I saw the ask about snorting cum and it reminded me of a time that cum came out of my nose. It was gross but my boyfriend and I laughed it off. idk. I thought it would be a funny thing to share!! i'd understand if you didn't want this on your blog!! (maybe it makes you laugh!!)

wELL. WE’RE OFF TO A GOOD START HERE. i’m screaming at this...i hope nothing EVER comes out of my nose ever in life...i hate this but ur right it did make me laugh

(Winry anon again) Also, did you get her name from FMA Winry Rockbell because if so I love it

hehe...yes...

hornybodies

this is what bartsim calls me and i hate her for it

whats the truth bitch

I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT THIS IS ABOUT BUT I’M LAUGHIGN

i never realised how much i actually missed santi but now im CRYING AND I WANT HIM BACK IN EVERY SINGLE POST WITH LOU BY HIS SIDE LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER PLEASE

I missed santirat's beautiful face there are literal tears rn

me too...i hate that i miss him so much it’s so freaking dumb...i haven’t cried to my own story in a while but i bet i’m gonna once santi’s comeback rolls around. i’m already bracing myself

nvm u can have the lovely rat back, that way my heart wouldn’t be hurting like it is now

honestly yeah that’s fair

Been silently following your blog and though I'm more of a "ghost"(? What does that even mean¿) follower, I can't help but express just how chocked I am to see Santi again OMG. Gutted Lou has had a flashback, she does not deserve this. :'(

hello casper the friendly ghost...i love having santi pop up with surprise flashbacks hehe...ur right though she DOES NOT NEED THIS in her life, but it will get better for her soon do not fret my ghoulish friend

I need more pics of Lou and Santi together I’m not satisfied, thankssss

ELI AND MIYU GETTING SO EXCIted WHEN LOU TOLD THEM SHE LIKES GIRLS MY HEART :’)

HEHEH i love it cause that’s literally how my friends and i act, it was fun to write in a scene :~} i’m glad you liked it :’}}

Yeah when I cut my hair short everyone assumed I liked girls I found it kind of odd, but I didn't care too much. It mostly just made me end up realizing all the shit lgbt people go through, one time a guy literally went up to me and my friend, my bff who no one really knew was a lesbian was terrified because he said "oh dont worry lesbians are hot, but gay guys are just disgusting" it ended up he was talking to me, i just rolled up a piece of paper as tight as I could and smacked him on the head

EWW first of all that guy can take his weird fetishization and homophobia elsewhere thanks...i’m glad you threw a paper ball at him LMAO. but yeah on one hand, coming from ignorant/straight people it’s like “uhhhh why would you assume that about me”, within the lgbt community it’s like...common ground...an inside joke...i guess? so it’s weird. the link between hair, clothes and sexuality is can definitely be harmful in certain circumstances

fiona is my spirit animal and i love her ok thanks for coming to my TED Talk

that was illuminating thank you

i re-read santis story and i s2g i've read it so many times idk, but like its so easy to read i dont mean like emotionally but it flows really well. and like its not too confusing i hate when people make overly convoluted stories in an excuse for being deep its some good shit good job my dude

AKJSDKGKSJD THAT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i never expected anyone to read it oNCE let alone REPEATEDLY...that really makes me so happy though because it’s definitely something you have to go back and read to catch all the details. ahhhhh thank you so much, i never ever want my story to be too complicated so i’m glad you don’t think it is!!

im crying because your recent post reminds me so much of my relationship with my mom when i was younger... she was always out of a job and sometimes we had to resort to living with other family members, it was all really hard on her and especially with having a kid she had to take care of at the same time. even though these are fictional characters, it’s comforting to know that other people have gone through the same situations i have. i love fiona and lou so much, they’re my heart and soul <3

OMG ;_________; i’m crying i’m so glad it resonates with you...i had a lot of friends growing up who were in similar situations and i think i kinda based lou and fi’s relationship on that, so you’re definitely not alone <33 i’m so glad you love them i love u

basically what I’ve learned from these asks is that Gianni is a perfect god-like human and I want one

he is. one time an anon told me they were like santi but they wanted to be rooney and i was like “i’m both santi and rooney on different days and i want to be gianni.” now u know why

hi, i just wanted to pop in and say that i really, really love your blog and i admire your editing skills SO much, i think you are EXTREMELY talented and i don't think you get told that enough. i've been following you for awhile now and i am in love with ALL of your stories, characters and edits you've put out! you're really an inspiration to me and i hope someday my edits can turn out as good as yours!! i don't have reshade so it's harder for me, but i'm trying to learn!! ok have a good day :-)

OMFG ;-; I DO GET TOLD IT A LOT AND IT STILL SEEMS FAKE...you don’t have to go out of your way to compliment me ;___; but thank you so so so much i’m crying...it makes me so giddy that i might inspire someone like WHAT...i don’t even know what i’m doing half the time i edit so u will definitely be able to catch up to me one day even if you don’t have reshade, i know it. i edited without reshade for like 2 and a half years on this blog so you can do it i promise!! have a good day/night/life i love u

fuck my succ

I'm in need of some giannti in my life

we all need some gianti in our lives

Hey! I just wanted to say that ur an amazing writer. You portray everything so well, it’s insane. I want to be a writer someday and I hope my writing is at least somewhat close to yours. Have an awesome day my dude💕

WOW I’M CRYING...i still have a lot of room to grow and so do you, i hope you are able to become the writer you want to be :’} and thank you so much for the wonderful compliment i’m emo have a great day as well

aver is my queen, confirmed.

avey is everyone’s queen confirmed

oksy but listen, look up the model Charlotte Ray Spencer

i did but i couldn’t find her?? all that came up was ray spencer obituaries in charlotte, SC LMFAO...charlotte spencer is an actress tho it seems, is that...who...? omfg

MAY I JUST OFFER THIS NEW SONG OF THE NEIGHBOURHOOD CALLED VOID BC I HAVE A FEELING SANTI WOULD LOVE IT (it's also meant for my aggressive sadboi oc)

OH I LOVE THIS IT FITS PERFECTLY WITH THE PLAYLIST I’M MAKING FOR THE NEW ERA OF SANTI...THANK YOU I’M TOTALLY ADDING IT

I had a ectopic pregnancy when I was seventeen but I feel like I got off lightly compared to Molly. Your story is so beautiful in so many ways, I think it’s incredible how much character development you’ve managed to pull off honestly I’m amazed. Thank you ❤️

omg ;_______; i don’t even know what to say to this, but it means so much to me i can’t even put it into words. thank you thank you thank you so much, and i’m so sorry you had to go through that as well. molly was an extreme case and i hope no one has to go through what she went through. i’m glad you’re okay now, and thank you so much for reaching out to me and reading my story at all ;-; <3333

just a heads up: the links button on your ccfinds blog goes to the femmefinds url still

oh yeah i know i’m gonna be real with you...i’m too lazy to fix it lmAO

Luv your stick n poke tats u posted!!! Could u do more? Maybe on diff places on the bod?? Ur so talented. Xx

omg that was FOREVER ago...maaaaaybe in the future...we shall see...but thank you <33

Can u do a family portrait for all ur characters like u did w Lou!!!

oooooh hehe i probably will in the future!!

Kill v maim is one of my favorite songs of all time omg it makes me wanna wear ripped jeans and a leather jacket and cover myself in glitter and smash some windows with a baseball bat MMMMMM

HELL yeah me too...i become a cyber punk alien vampire when i hear that song

maybe do a casting call posted here ? u have many followers and im sure a good chunk live in ur area and would be willing to model ^_^

omg SCARY...i probably could tho tbh that’s a good idea, thank you!

hi sunny, what program do you use to merge your cc and what do you use to detect and remove broken cc that just doesn't work in game anymore? thanks!

i actually haven’t merged on my new laptop yet but i used s4s for merging and there’s the mod conflict detector!!

My game hasn't been working since the first Cats and Dogs patch but I uninstalled and reinstalled and it finally works again 😭

sunny!! would you recommend your computer to play ts4 on? has it good graphics, can handle the highest settings and so? i really need a new computer but i have no idea which one to go for

yes i would recommend it!! i have reshade, ultra settings and like 8 gb of cc.

thanks for answering my ask eee ur story is probably the best ive read on here and yeah. i love how everything connects and everyones just so real. you dont have to post this i just wanted to thank you for being my inspiration and making me smile, laugh, cry, and scream in the middle of the night with your characters.

I LOVE U...it still sounds so fake to me when people say i inspire them, i don’t even know how to respond to all this ;-; just thank you for sparing a glance my way and resonating with my creations. <3 we scream and cry 2gether

I listened to Separator by Radiohead on repeat whilst reading Santi’s story and now that song just reminds me of him and Lou. I’d totally suggest listening to it’s so good! As is your story :3 xxx

oh radiohead that’s good sh*t...i’m listening to it now and i feel the santou vibes...especially when santi’s feeling out of his mind and she’s the only one who can calm him...haha cool..anyways THANK YOU!!!!

how do you make poses for the roof? i'm not sure how i can know if the sims will clip into the roof or float

honestly i just...eyeball it...because all roofs are different and you can’t put them into blender so. i just winged it lmao...i just made a pose that looked like it could’ve been lou climbing out the window, only the rig was still ground level, and then i used alt + 9 to lift the teleporter onto the roof as best as i could. that’s why it probably wouldn’t be a very practical pose to release, because i have no way of making it easy to use 

Lou punched him and I knew it would happen. 😀👌 nice, nice I like Lou whopping ass.

hehe i’m glad you enjoyed it...who knew she had a freaking hook like that

ok a theory... santi went to look for molly's mother and yea

omg tell me cillian sings every other freckle at some point

OMFG well...that song came out in 2013 and the current flashback year is 2008 so. i would personally murder cillian myself if he was still in lou’s life 5 years after this honestly

hey kitty girl! i was wondering if you could answer this teensy lil question i got. im writing a "story" anddd i was trying to figure out how to make some parts not cliche. like i hate reading about whatever and being like girll ive done seen this before so i just needs to know. kisses

i absolutely love how this is worded and the fact that u called me kitty, very cute. anyway...this is pretty broad, perhaps you could clarify what kinda cliches you want to steer clear from? a lot of the time when i know something is gonna be cliche and there’s no avoiding it, i just kinda own up to it and try to subtly point out how cliche it is and somehow that makes it work out better...like being self aware somehow adds another more realistic element to the story that makes it better? idk...anyway dm me if you need help!!

so.... lou can remember more of what happened? this is good! go 2 the police bitch! tell them!!!!!!!

she should!! but the only problem is she doesn’t have proof. so... 🤔

how do you write your stories in a way that everything is organized and you're certain and not confused with everything? i mean, do you have any way for writing that let you develop your stories with not so much difficults? i'm trying to write an story for months but i only have a few of the most important events on my mind, i don't know how to develop another important details, i always feel that everything is confuse or crap

hmmmmm well my mind is very ah convoluted so it’s a wonder any of this comes out even somewhat cohesive? but basically i have a very good memory and utilize google docs a lot hahaha. i’ve gone in depth about my writing process here!

whats a good way when it comes to starting a sims story? i mean like the first post? :/

ummmmmm maybe test the waters a bit and just make a post introducing your character(s) first? or dive right in and get sh*t started. it could go either way tbh

boyish by japanese breakfast is a santixlou bop

oh sh*t!!!!!! i love japanese breakfast!! and i love this thank you!

So is lou like into cillian in a way? Making him kinda be in her type

as of right now (in the flashbacks)? HELL fucking no. but you’re right, she did say those things in the future to santi. so 🤔

Everyone guessing shit stupidly annoys me haha. I'M UNOBSERVANT AND I DON'T WANNA GO BACK AND CHECK SHIT, LET ME LIVE. *Like* if you a ~dum~ reader who doesn't want every bit of foreshadowing called out. lol

i respect this honestly whenever i drop the hottest foreshadowing of 2018 i never expect my inbox to flood like it does but here we are and i am amazed

CILLIAN NEEDS TO FUCKING FIGHT ME (TYPING THIS ON MY COMPUTER BC I SAW HIS DINOSAUR ASS AND CHUCKED MY PHONE OUT THE WINDOW)

i’m screaming...i’m so sorry it’s my fault about your phone but like also i’m poor i can’t pay for that

i'm studying your latest posts because they're beautiful and my hatred for that long necked bitch is intensifying -- what makes me burn even more is that he's still wearing her necklace, can we say let the bitch burn?

burn babey burn

Why don't you use quick tags?

i’m dumb is why

CILLIAN IS SUCH A SHITASS I HATE HIS FACE WHY R U DOING THIS TO ME

BRUHHHHH THE DINOSAUR LOOKIN ASS BOY IS B A C K run

WAIT THE NECKLACE. HE STOLE THE MCFUCKING NECKLACE BROOOOO

What if Fi's blue eyes are from... Cillian..?

wHY did you have to make him cute and fucking cool though? I still hate him but it's harder.

NVM I JUST LOOKED AT THE POST AGAIN HES WEARING HER NECKLACE INHOPE SHE CHOKES HIMS WOTH IT THIS TIME

I SCREAMED AT THIS SERIES OF QUESTIONS OISDFNGJKDSKJN yeah sorry he’s conventionally attractive but unsettlingly so and i feel uneasy when i look at him and plus the fact that he’s literally evil so .

im like, to 90% sure that cillian is in ace joker. so that song might have reminded lou of him...

this was sent right after that scene of lou hearing the song at pippin’s, so

My conspiracy theory is that cillian is Lou's father. Speakimg of which are we gonna get to that soon, I'm dying of curiosity;.;

I’M LAUGHING I THINK U MEANT FIONA’S FATHER AKSJDKJGDSJ but yeah well. You’ll See

what do u resize ur photos to?

whatever 33% of 1920x1080 is i forget. i have a resizing + sharpening action so i just run that

im about to kill those kids if they keep fucking with my baby

THESE BITCHES BULLYING MY BABY LOU? CATCH THESE HANDS

me @ these ugly kids:

Who are the best creators for mens clothing? I struggle so much to find good cc creators with men specifically!

badabing badaboom

I’m not sure if you’ve converted things before but do you know any good sims 3 cc to sims 4 tutorials? Or your followers?

errrrrr i have no idea i’m sorry :x

would you consider making like a photoshop psd file with all the layers in your editing process?

omg...heck no it would be so unhelpful OMFG mostly because my editing is just my own action + shading and highlighting unique to that pic

would you ever do an editing timlapse of your gameplay pics? 💖💖

ahhhhh maybe!! probably in the future!

OMG HEATHERS WAS FILMED AT MY HIGH SCHOOL AND IM JUST HYPED UP SEEING IT BEING MENTIONED ON THIS ACCOUNT!!

OMFG THAT’S RAD...i’ve literally only seen it once tho i’m fake

I'M SHOOK. my friend kinda asked me out and I wanna say yes but my parents won't let me date. I'm 18! I need your advice! -signed 18 and alone anon

um UR 18 BUDDY UR AN ADULT...DATE WHOEVER THE F*CK U WANT HONESTLY

Can you pretty please link some photoshop tutorials you recommend? I really want to make my photos more cinematic and like your's without totally copying you or someone else. All I do right now is sharpen, color balance, and add some noise and then resize. I really need some more ways to get better looking photos such as yours.

ahhhhh the problem is i don’t know of any i’m sorry...lmao this is totally unhelpful :\ i have my own editing tutorial which is outdated but can probably help you out with the basics of lighting effects and shading n stuff?

Heyyy, I saw that you answered a question about making a ps action like your reshade, and I just wanted to say that I would love that! Unfortunately Mac users like me, can’t use reshade unless boot camping Windows onto our computers...☹️ and your reshade is just soooo pretty...

i don’t know if i’ll be able to replicate the reshade effect totally but i could release the action i’ve made for myself? it warms up screenshots but is totally adjustable to your liking for different color tones so in that way it’s kinda similar to the reshade. i’ll seeeeee what i can do...i know the woes of mac users all too well, my friend

i just wanna give lou a big ol cozy hug :o((( pls

pls hug her she needs it.

Do you post on tumblr from your phome or from your computer? Just curious.

mostly from my computer, sometimes i answer messages on my phone while i’m out and you can tell because autocorrect actually makes me use proper capitalization for once in my life

how many hours have you played the sims? for me i have 4,070 hours. haha help

OMFG i think mine is like...900 or something...i can’t tell if that’s too much or too little, but it’s definitely inaccurate

if i could only look at one person's tumblr from now on it would be yours. ur literally the queen of tumblr #shookaf and also i really hope i die before you ever say ur leaving tumblr cause when u do, i will legit die and bury my own grave. i really appreciate u and hope one day i can be on ur level but rn im at level 1.5 while ur up in the millions :D

I’M SCREAMING PLEASE I AM A PLEB.............i cry u flatter me too much ;-; i genuinely hope i never leave this place because it’s been so fun and it’s helped me evolve so much as an artist and a writer, plus i made some of my greatest friends on here. so i hope that day never comes!! but who knows life is wild. anyway i’m sure you’re actually like at level 578 and are just being modest. it’s okay you don’t have to be humble

i think its so cool that you and wanderlust and other simmers use multiple worlds to make your own town and stuff. idk why but thats just so cool to me and i would have never thought of it. love your blog and story <3

omg!!! well i couldn’t resist, i love a bunch of them and can’t limit myself to just one ya know. plus the more i thought about it, the more my gen 2 story kinda centers around these kids from this one town and the town itself is very relevant. so i felt like i had to make my own!! and i’m very excited to get started with that hehe

I just met a guy named Rodrigo Santiago and I sCREAMED HOLY SHIT

Update (tho idk of you got the first one): I just got a text from a classmate named Rodrigo Santiago. I'm sCREECHING

no freaking way. there’s no way i don’t believe...i want proof...

YOU SO FUCKIN PRECIOUS WHEN U SMILE

dont worry about posting this or do idc but i just wanted to say you should write about whatever you want and not care about whether people think you condone it or not. if i (a gay male) were to write about lesbians its not like im saying YOU HAVE TO BE LESBIANS BLAH BLAH BLAH you know what i mean? or if im writing about a robbery doesnt mean im like condoning robbery so like idk you do you boo and keep it coming ;D ilysm btw

OMFG no yeah i get it, i mean i think now especially in this online environment, people are hyper aware of Problematique things and so they’re a little too quick to point fingers without looking deeper than the surface. and whatever it’s fine people are always gonna be like that because people are mostly inherently judgmental, especially when it comes to consuming media. artists/writers face stuff like this all the time because people refuse to look past the surface, hence why works have gotten misconstrued all the time. but yeah i really appreciate this sentiment, thank u i love u

hope this isnt a weird question but what is the image size that u used for your character page?? thnk u 💕

omg it’s 300x300

have u listened to visions of gideon by sufjan stevens i was listening to it while reading ur stories and it made me so :(

oh my boy sufjan aka gianni’s personality claim i love him...and this song is :{ but i love even if it’s from the nasty age gap peach fucking movie

If i was married to Jamie and he treatin’ our daughter like that… oh I swear HES GOT TO GO!

it’s 2 am i’m so tired answering all of these i forgot who jaime was for a sec i was like um why are we talking about GoT anyways good night

how does alpha hair work with reshade? it seems so good in your screenshots and i’ve seen that in others screenshots it looks bad? whats the secret?

well good morning haha jk i never went to sleep anyway here u go

hooow do you make adorable toddlers in ts4?? teach me, gimme some advice please :(((

chubby cheeks! big eyes! small faces! little but plump lips! a good skin! dats all

how did u get ur sim onto the fire escapes?

ze teleporter mod, that’s it

I snickered at the, THE RETURN OF SANTI. Like I imagine it written in red horror lettering and santi just busts down the door and says ho ho ho im back bench, Did U miss me?

honestly i own a calendar and if i knew a definite date u already fucking kNOW it would be up there

ahhh im sorry for asking but im wondering how you find voice claims?? i'm looking for some for my sims, but it's tough to find one that's *right*, you know?? and your voice claims are great!! thank you <3

OMG voice claims are HARD, i literally just like “collect” them over time...i have a list in my phone of voices i like/may use in the future lmao, but try to think of actors or musicians and search interviews/movie or tv scenes with them speaking!!

i don't even read your story but i still follow you because i love your personality, sim style and just your whole entire tumblr

u follow me for ME? UM...what are u doing here...i’m so sorry (i love u...)

do you have a different reshade preset for flashback screenshots and for the present ones?

i do not!! i just edit differently

what happened to the honeycomb?

OMFG it’s still there...but we legit haven’t seen it since girooni’s wedding so um...it’s gonna have to get a makeover. i’m gonna do it when girooni come back home so i can finally show rupi working there like...wow...she deserves to be seen

lou's dad is the biggest asshole and i am waiting for the day that bitch dies

us when he dies

shit theory: caroline goes to find and confront cillian about what he did in teen lou timeline. care ends up forming a crush on cillian and goes back to meet him several more times, but cillian ends up liking lou more which makes caroline jealous. and that's why they don't speak currently, 'cause cillian ruined lou's life in more ways than one.

uM holy fuck that’s all i got to say

pls tell me that Caro killed the dude that choked Lou (or beat his ass)

god i hope so !

how many people do you follow? are you “strict” with who you follow?

i follow 264 people and yeah i’ve gotten a bit stricter with it just cause like...i only want to follow people whose content i truly care about/will actually notice on my dash

would you ever do a sim dump?

probably in the future, it seems like people want more male and female sims from me SO

ramona got some moves tf

the girl is out here bobbing to the chicken dance like nobody’s business

have u seen the end of the fucking world? if u did what are your #thots

UM......................i watched the first episode ‘cause i heard so much about it and um.............................it was so bad OMFG i hated it. way too edgy for me. completely missed the mark. not into it at all. hard pass

CAN LOU PLEASE HAVE A MAN IN HER LIFE WHO IS NOT A COMPLETE TWAT PLEASE

HOPEFULLY ezra will follow through with that and i don’t necessarily mean in a romantic way but like...as her new roommate MAYBE he will be a blessing we can HOPE

I'm not sure if you've been asked this or not, but your poses are so good and I was wondering if you have ever considered making a pose pack? Sorry if this came off as rude! I love your posts!

i will probably in the future!! but first i gotta figure out which ones i’d actually include

okay so this is random but I just wanted to say that I absolutely love your sims stories. Everything is so perfect and I'm forever shook because I can't believe the "sets" you use are actually the game. Your sims are so fleshed out and you are a huge inspiration to me. Anyways sorry if this was weird but I'm like obsessed with ur blog. bYe

AJHSDHJFSD THANK YOU!!!!!!! yes somehow we work miracles into this game can u believe it...ahh but thank you so much, it means everything that i would inspire you in any way...like what...omg

Santi is actually standing outside present Lou’s apartment wondering where the fuck he went wrong

he’s been there for 6 months just on the street standing there please someone let him in .

LOUUUU OH MY GODDD SKKDSNSJDH MY BABY. SO THATS HOW SHE GOT THE SCAR. WOW

there it is fellas. this message is sooooo old i’m so bad

Have you read/heard of The Lunar Chronicles

i have not!! but i’ll jot it down!

I was wondering if you’ve ever had any problems with skins? For me some on the palm side of the hand it’s noticeably darker than what the skin is supposed to be.. like the rest comes out find but the hands are darker.

hmm...that’s weird, i haven’t seen that. i think it probably depends on the skin? or maybe your sim detail settings?

santi my daddy, honeybodies my mommy, lou looking like a cutie when she saw dat tiny puppy. my name is rappin anon, and i just wanted to say, ur are my favorite simblr basically saving my day. rappin anon OUT

o...my god

i love u

i love u...

[marshaeb]

P.S: I'm Mated With The Cursed Alpha!

Chapter Seven

Hey guy! Don’t forget to Like, Comment, Review, and Follow for more updates! My apologies in advance for all the grammatical errors. Book will be professionally edited when completed.

After all that had just transpired, I was expecting Mom to blow up on me as soon as we stepped through the door, but her behavior was quite different. She was quiet and calm as she sat at the cleared dining table, looking through a pile of paperwork.

My heart was in my gut... I didn’t know how to feel or what to say after all the mess I got us in. I stood there timidly, with my sore, wounded arm covered with blood, held up to my chest.

I was a total mess. You’d swear I’d been out scuffling with Chelsea and her clique the way that I looked. Bloody and drench from wetting it up and my hair was a tousled fro of fluff.

“Um, Mom...” I said quietly...almost too quietly.

She paused and gave me a hard stare.

“I-I just want to say I’m sorry Mom...” I sniffle. “I-I didn’t mean for things to happen the way it did tonight... He attacked me out of nowhere—

“Nah uh... Stop it right there!” She said sternly. “How many times have I told you, Joel? For once listen to me when I talk to you! All I wanted was to keep you away from danger... from allowing something like this to happen! Still, you disobeyed me and snuck out!”

“But, Mom I-I’m sorry... I-I could explain—

“What’s left to explain, dear?” She said. “Everything has already happened... though I hate to even think this way, but probably this was meant to be... probably this all explains the reason for your rebellious behavior... it was to led you to him.”

“No Mom... This is all coincidental... that’s it!” I said feeling my wound starting to burn. “That’s all it is.”

“Do you really think so?” She asked in a shaky voice. “I saw something you didn’t see...”

“Saw what mama?” I asked confusedly.

“That look in his eyes... The way he looked at you.” She said. “You don’t know how it feels yet... The first time you smell your mate... it hits you like the strongest substance there is... It drives you crazy! Almost like you’re losing your mind... Why did you think he did what he did and attack you...not wanting to let you go!”

My mind instantly went back to St. Pete’s. When he saw me from across the room. I just popped off and came at me full force.

“Mom...what can I do?” I begged her.

“What can you do?” She repeated with no hope in her voice. “Joel, there’s nothing you...or I can do right now...but to wait to see where your future lies on your eighteen birthday.”

“B-but Jackson!” I said feeling my whole world crumbling down around me. “What am I supposed to—

“Jackson has been sent on a three-month mission in the west...” She said, “and for one thing...thank heavens he’s not here, because things would have been even more disastrous if Alpha Darius found out that his potential mate has a boyfriend.”

I took in sharp deep breaths and embraced myself tightly. ’I don’t want Jackson to get hurt...” I mumbled.

“Then I suggest you do the safest thing there is...keep your mouth shut and don’t mention his name.” Mom said. “By the time he’s back from his mission, you will by then know who your potential mate will be.”

“But...but my birthday is in three months, Mom...what will I do then?” I asked. “The hospital is out of our territory...”

“I know...which is why I’m busy trying to set things up for your safety,” Mom said. “And that’s tripling security too.”

A look of confusion crossed my face.

“But... I am safe! I’m on our territory!” I said.

Mom stopped and gave me a dead stare. “You really don’t know who you’re messing with, do you?”

I swallowed deeply. The guy’s crazier than I thought.

“A powerful Alpha, who have been searching seven years for his mate... has finally found her by sheer luck.” Mom said. “Could you imagine how hungry he is for you? Do you think a hot-blooded, superior Alpha like him could resist his mate?”

I stood there quietly as reality began to settle in.

“I doubt it...” She continued. “I’ll exchange you from the hospital for a little while with Samantha at the preschool... It’s only for blocks away from our home and it’s properly guarded.”

“The Nursery?” I gasped. “Mom... I’m not a caretaker.”

“It’s either that or risk yourself being at the hospital.” She said. “I don’t think you understand what it is to be marked Joel... and it’s different from an Alpha. It’s like volts of uncontrollable pleasure, rushing through your body... like venom. When he claims you, a part of him lives inside you forever.”

I could hear the intensity in her voice... Just hearing her explain it made me tremble with fear.

“So...until then...we wait,” she said. “Now go and take a bath. I’ll call over a nurse to patch up your wound.”

She walked back over to her desk and continued to sort through her paperwork.

After reaching upstairs to my room, Talloc was nowhere to be found like always. She was out hunting.

The sounds of howls rippled through the dark forest, but it was chilling and wretched. It was the cursed Alpha’s, and I know he was somewhere in the dark eerie forest, watching me at this very moment.

~~~~~~~~

~Present Day~

About a week has passed and I’ve been staying indoors ever since. My wound was healing faster than I thought it would, but the soreness was still there.

Nobody knew about what had taken place that night. Mom made sure of that. But just being here, trapped indoors had me so paranoid. Overthinking about everything that has happened and the consequences that would happen to me if I slip up again.

I really miss having those privileges when I could move about and enjoy my freedom. Now that I’m thinking about it, I rather have Mom’s strict curfew any day than being locked up from Alpha Darius.

My mind kept going on Jackson... I wanted him here with me. To comfort me and tell me what I needed to hear. That I am his mate and this is all one big misunderstanding, but sadly, it wasn’t.

A few months from now, I might be Mated to a man I barely even know. It saddens me to even think Jackson and I wouldn’t be together like we hoped, but to a man overly possessive Alpha who attacked me and nearly capture me against my will.

And he won’t leave me alone. Ever since that dreadful night, he has been stalking me almost every night.

His huge black wolf is always there...in that same spot in the woods... watching my room. He’s driving me insane. It was as if he’s waiting for any moment for me to slip up.

This feeling is like being on death row... knowing a terrible fate awaits you.

Talloc suddenly flew into the window I left open for her, nearly scaring my trouble soul half to death.

“Talloc!” I gasped, holding my chest. “You scared me, girl.”

She rolled her neck and squawk back at me.

“Did you had fun hunting last night?” I said to her, trying to wipe off the drop of blood from her beak.

And as you guessed right, she wasn’t gonna just let me step up to her and clean her beak without being defensive. She pecked my finger softly, holding it in her mouth.

“Come on, Talloc...just because you older now doesn’t mean I-I can’t clean you up just a little,” I said, but it was hopeless.

My rebellious snowy owl flew off in one huge flap, dropping the stack of pictures and old letters out of the window.

“No!” I shouted, running over to the window as they scattered everywhere across the lawn. “Shit!”

I turn around to catch my breath.

“Urgh...Talloc! Damn that feisty bird!” I grunted. “My pictures...they all fell over! I have to get them before they all get ruined.”

I threw on my navy denim jacket and dashed to my room door, but then I suddenly remembered that it wasn’t safe...he could be out there.

Though I’m still safe on the territory,

I’m just beyond paranoid to even encounter him again, face to face. Plus mom had already warned me, for my own sake to keep my distance.

I can’t make a fool of myself again... and for Mom’s sake, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I embarrassed her even more than I already did.

A deep, anxious sigh left my lips as I thought about this situation I’m now faced with. All the memories I collected would be completely ruined if they’re exposed too long.

Deep down in my heart, I wanted to dash out there this instant and collect every last one of them, but my mind had me in fear. Reminding me that he could be out there, but can he really during the daytime?

Usually, he comes out during the evenings just to let me know he’s watching and waiting...and it pisses me off, but maybe...just maybe I might have a chance.

It won’t take long...

I breathed in sharply when I suddenly remembered that Jackson’s letter from back in the eleventh grade was in that stack! That was the time he officially asked me to be his girlfriend...and our pictures!

“I have to get them!” I breathed heavily, walking back in forth in my room. “I better get all of them now...before the wind blows them out of the territory. Then he’ll find those photos with us!”

I crept back over towards my window and slowly, but thoroughly surveyed the grounds for any sign of his black wolf or any of his minions. Surprisingly...there was no sign of him at all.

I was right... Maybe he really does pass through during the evenings. And there’s also those painful, silver Barb wires Mom has up to keep out any intruders. It looks safe enough and besides all my pictures are on the lawn.

“SHIT!” I exclaimed. “No, no, no, NO!”

One of them fell on the other side. Oh Moon goddess, why?!

I crunch down against the window post, breathing shakily. My nerves were taking over and I could feel my throat getting drier and drier by the second!

What the hell! Everything bad is happening to me lately and unfortunately, there is no way to run from it or avoid it. I literally hate my life now.

I held in my breath and slowly took another look out the window. Carefully I observed the proximity of the others to that one that was out of bounds.

My eyes glanced over across the forest once more. I used my sharp wolf senses to pick up if he was out there... Usually, the hairs on my arm would stand up if I sensed him...but it so happens that I didn’t feel anything. There is also no sign of him...so it should be safe!

It has to be! But I have to be cautious and as prompt as possible.

With every fear building up inside me, I pushed it aside, balling my hand into a tight fist, and ran downstairs as quickly as I can.

As soon as I step to the backdoor, my heart launched in my throat. It was now or never.

I turn the doorknob and haul my tail towards the scattered images and letters. My mind was so numb, I felt like falling out from the fear and anxiety if he caught me.

Almost done... Just the other four over there in the flower bed. I quickly ran over and collected them. All in accounted for, except that one. It was just a few inches on the other side.

I held the stack against my chest as I scan the rattling trees of the forest. It was so calm but daunting. If whatever, he might be out there.

I’d dread the day if it happens to be a personal picture of me and Jackson and he gets his hold on it before I do.

Shit! I can’t take this anymore! I have to get that now! I rest the others down and gradually inched my way over. As I reach the barbed wire fence, my supply of oxygen was growing thin. The amount of fear of cutting my windpipe was unbearable.

I licked my lips and lengthened my short arm slowly over. It was so close, but yet so far.

Just a flick of my nail, it scraped the tip. No matter how hard I try, it was useless. Until I started to lose my temper, unleashing my inner wolf as my nails lengthen into claws.

Finally, I latched onto it, but with all that concentration... I let my guard down. I should have known better!

His huge black wolf jumped out of nowhere and dashed over to snatch my hand..but once again, I lucky to pull back my hand right in time.

For a second I felt my heart stop and I swear I mess up myself.

He licked his huge tongue over his sharp teeth and stared down at me like a piece of meat. I tried to catch my breath as I look at the picture underneath his large paw.

What was he doing here? Doesn’t he have a pack to lead? Was he there all this time? Watching me...waiting for the right moment to strike. Mom was right, it’s really not safe for me at all.

I quickly dashed over, collecting the others, and ran back inside up to the room.

I closed my curtains from the outside. I just couldn’t bear it anymore...but what picture was that? There we’re words written behind it!

I sorted through the stack of pictures and letters. Jackson’s letter is here... Thank Goodness it wasn’t that!

As I continued to go through, all we’re present... except that one!

“Our one-year anniversary, Christmas Eve collage! SHIT!”

Read Chapter Eight (Click the link below)

[writesbatty]

days 14-29

complete with unedited content notes from the facebook group i’m in

29/30

i love to rewrite the classics

to make persephone send hades running

(keep that 'rewriting the story of persephone as a love story’ shit several hundred miles from me, thanks.)

to give echo back her voice

to let arachne weave her tapestries once more

rewrite pride and prejudice so lydia bennet does not marry a rapist

get jane eyre out of her aunt's home sooner rather than later

find ophelia a therapist

remind everyone that tragedy can still have a happy ending

  28/30 content warning: mentions/discussions of sex and consent. this is very vulnerable and im uncomfortable and DOING IT ANYWAY rip

.

.

.

i tell my boyfriend i think we should start scheduling sex

but that this is not some indication of failure in our relationship

i know he worries that my complicated relationship with sex is some reflection of how attractive i find him

(it doesn't help that the past few years seem to have taken my ease of flattery away from me

i don't know when it got so hard to tell the love of my life he looks good in tank tops

and black jeans like the ones he wore when i met him)

but it's not that

it's that i don't think about it, the same way i don't notice i am hungry till i'm starving, don't notice i'm thirsty till my head aches and spins, don't notice i am anxious until i am already in the middle of panic

it's that i was in a relationship where i never thought about the word no, it never occurred to me as an option, and now i end up consumed with pointless worry that i do not really want this

i try to talk to my therapist about these things, but i never really know what to say

how to explain my ex never set out to hurt me and half of it was my fault, but i am still feeling the aftershocks years later

without sounding like i am making excuses

(maybe i am, i don't know, i have always had a hard time with blame, with holding others accountable)

but at the same time i never want to imply what happened was more serious than it was

nothing like a genuine violation, nothing that should label me victim or survivor

nothing like what others have gritted their teeth and fought through

maybe some of it is the meds

it's hard to tell

how much is the meds and how much is the trauma and how much is just me

and why has it been six years and i still can't

-casually tell my boyfriend he has a nice ass

-sit in my boyfriend's lap

-fearlessly messily uninhibitedly make out with my boyfriend

because some paranoid corner of my mind is afraid to say 'no'

(nothing would happen if i said no, because everything would stop happening, it's not fear that makes me question, it's the idea of disappointing someone i love, and that's all on me, not on him)

my boyfriend is an angel with a nice ass

(seriously, i am not overstating this, he has a very nice, round butt)

and when i tell him

i think we should start scheduling sex

he kisses the top of my head

and talks about how bob and linda on bob's burgers schedule sex, and they have like, the best marriage on television, so clearly we're in good company

and pulls me over to the couch to feed me ice cream and scratch my back

  27/30 warning for like. harry potter/jkr 'discourse' or something i guess?

listen, we all should have known jk rowling was going down in flames the moment she made harry james potter a fucking MAGICAL COP at the end of the series

i have a list of problems with the deathly hallows epilogue that is longer than the actual epilogue and this is at least three of them

will somebody cut harry a fucking break?

why on earth would someone punish this abused, traumatized, exhausted person by giving them a career that will repeatedly remind them of every bad thing that has ever happened, which is most things that have happened to harry potter

harry potter should have been the defense against the dark arts instructor

harry potter has intimately seen both sides, every inch of light and dark

and he saw them as a child, he grew in them like a weed in brackish water, an in between neither fresh nor salt

(but he chose good, he always chose good, and it was always a choice, and it wasn't always easy)

let him teach other children to protect themselves

let him eat lunch with neville longbottom so they can discuss their students and make sure no teacher ever treats kids the way snape treated his students

the way snape treated harry and neville

let harry spend his weekends in hogsmeade with friends both old and new remembering only the light spots in the dark days of his schooling

let him know the joy of helping a struggling student

(this is how he will carry on remus lupin's legacy; that and the bar of honeyduke's finest chocolate in his desk)

let harry potter retire and spoil the ever loving shit out of all of his grandchildren

let harry potter put the past behind him

consider the fact that we don't all want to devote our lives

to fighting the demons we met in childhood

  26/30

nightmare at 20,000 feet is the most terrifying episode of the twilight zone

and what an apt title

what an apt metaphor

because what could ever be more nightmare then knowing the worst is just outside the window

but no one else can see it

25/30 this ends like super abruptly but idk how to end it Properly and i need sleep so. shrug emoji.

it's like a bad joke, this harmless word that never stops following me

you know those tasteless reddit posts about trigger warnings? how there's 'no way' someone could be traumatized by something so normal

so small

that's me. i am that joke.

a man at the aquarium calls his young daughter pumpkin and i–

i swallow a wave of nausea

i try to ignore the way my skin begins to crawl

and my heart speeds up

and i can hear the sound of his voice

it's like time travel

it's like a curse

just say 'pumpkin' and i fly back in time and it's like my body does not know that he is dead

that he hasn't called me pumpkin in nearly a decade

you would think it would be the mocking, the insults, that would ring like shots through my echo chamber brain

but

it's that fucking petname

it's 'i'm sorry, pumpkin' in his voice and the look in his eyes as he digs the hole in my chest just a little bit deeper with another fake apology

an apology all for him

when he came to my high school graduation there were rules

-he could not drink

-he could not apologize

-he could not call me pumpkin

24/30

it's funny

this disconnect between the me i know and the me other people know

at home i pace the floor, building up the courage to call for a cab

at work they tell me i am good with people, that i am no nonsense

at home, i twist my hair in my fingers as i struggle to tell my partner of nearly six years i need something to eat

at school they called me confident, self assured

i wonder where this other me is when i need them most

where is this confident and self assured version of me when something actually happens?

when someone is in trouble?

when someone gropes me in the street?

when someone needs them?

when i need them?

23/30

weirdly specific sections i wish i could find at the bookstore:

unconventional sci written by women and queer people

dystopian fiction that ends hopefully

non-ableist romance novels with disabled protagonists written by disabled people

young adult romance novels about lesbians and magic with happy endings

poetry for queer girls who really like artemisia gentileschi's art

collections of personal essays about hospital waiting rooms

college kids from dysfunctional families getting their shit together and falling in love

narratives about found families of misfits

young adult novels about queer romance and theatre kids

the exact novels you needed to read at 15 when you were scared and alone and will still make you cathartically sob while reading in a public park

(this last section is real except it's just the francesca lia block shelves in the young adult section)

how to guides on how to be a person when your body and the world you live in are crumbling to pieces rapidly

advice on how to make your best friends move out of state to be closer to you

novels where the protagonist goes through hell but they come out the other side and are still an essentially good and optimistic person despite their trauma because the world is a terrifying place and we need fiction and narrative to remind us of the potential for hope

22/30

edit: i just word vomit typed this directly into the comment box and it got weirdly long so Be Aware

elle woods is my personal hero

i'm blonde

'yes sarah'

i'm sure you're thinking

'i know, i have seen you'

but it's more than that, okay? i am blonde on the inside. my heart and soul are blonde. i talk to people and they say 'i can't imagine you not blonde' because the concept of me any other way is absurd

maybe because its the one thing everyone always loved about me. when i was a kid, everyone wanted to play with my hair. i had barbie hair, disney princess hair. long blonde waves like strands of gold.

i grew up telling blonde jokes, so everyone would know i was Smart and Cool. i got teased for being a nerd and a four eyes and for awhile everyone called me 'dictionary' because i knew how to spell zombie. smart was more important to me than cool, but i still told blonde jokes. the blonde swims ninety percent of the way to the other shore, gets tired, and swims all the way back, and god if that isn't a metaphor for my life. god if i haven't spent 25 years fighting not to be the blonde who turned back.

when i almost failed math in my freshman year of high school my father told me i should give up and become a playboy bunny because i didn't have a future. a childhood friend asks when i will grow out of the color pink.

i am a blonde the way i am pink. spiteful. elle woods walking malibu barbie through the halls of harvard. elle woods taking notes in pink sparkling pen. elle woods handing in her scented resume printed on pink paper.

elle woods saying

'what, like it's hard?'

i tape my thesis pages to the wall with glitter tape and pin my blonde hair back with a flower clip and i wear baby pink leather heels with bows on them.

'what, like it's hard?'

21/30

why do the aliens always want to kill us?

why do we always build a giant weapon?

why can't the aliens come to earth to help us?

why aren't scifi movies about healing?

20/30

ode to vestibular stimming

i do not like metal music

i'm sorry, it's just not my thing

but good god do i understand why people head bang

and why people mosh

when i was a kid i loved jumping on the trampoline, and the way it made my heart and brain jump and soar and bounce

now i can't jump on trampolines anymore but

i can listen to british pop music in my living room and laugh and feel that soar and jump and bounce as i swing my head from side to side and up and down and sometimes, for extra fun, twist my torso around a little

like i am so much energy and so little body but finally it has somewhere to go as my hair swishes against my face and an unstoppable grin spreads across my face and

don't you ever wanna just let go?

don't you ever wanna shake your head until the dizzy chases everything else away?

19/30

i like to talk to the creatures in the tanks when i do my aquarium rounds

the old man of an octopus in the floor tank i call gramps

my favorite sea star, a purple velcro star in the touch tanks, i call zippy

mostly i just call everything 'buddy'

'hey buddy, how ya doing today?' or 'come on buddy, scootch down from the top of the glass'

i apologize to the anemones when they close up because people have touched them too much

and i apologize to the jellies when it takes me more than one try to scoop them out so i can change their water

in middle school i noticed a rip on my baby doll's neck so i made her a neck brace from the sash of a build a bear robe and propped her up on pillows every night, so she wouldn't rip anymore

i am nearly 25 and i still feel guilty when my stuffed animals fall to the ground

i am nearly 25 and i keep multiple stuffed animals in the bed i share with my boyfriend of nearly six years

a common misconception of autism and other similar social disorders is that people on the spectrum do not experience empathy

and in some cases this is true

but an often ignored aspect of these disorders is that anything you could lack, you can also have too much of

hyper-empathy is when you are so receptive to others feelings they become your own

they become so much your own it causes you physical distress

and everything

everything

has feelings

i once got sad about throwing away a pair of pants because i had them for just... so long

i once cried on an apartment balcony because my neighbors i had never met, never even SEEN, were fighting

today i watched a young boy scare simon, a seagull who hangs out by the aquarium, by screaming at him

and it broke my heart a little even though i not especially fond of birds and am, in fact, kind of afraid of them

sometimes i sit and think about the things my dad experienced and my aching too big heart thinks

maybe it was okay

maybe the things he said were okay, because of what happened to him

my aching too big heart always forgets

things happened to my mother, too

things happened to me, too

and neither of us turned out like that

articles on the internet talk about hyper-empathy like a super power

call it 'being an empath'

to me it has always felt more like a bruise

like my aching too big heart just can't stop pumping blood to the tender surface of my skin

18/30

a very angry letter to a lady who came into the aquarium yesterday. less poem and more just 'complaining' but wow, i am still mad like 36 hrs later

for the love of god, lady

what is your fucking problem?

you are a grown adult. you have multiple children, some of whom are teenagers, and this is how you behave, in public, in front of your family?

are you incapable of basic human decency? did no one ever teach you manners?

yes, there is a disabled person and their caretaker in this aquarium, and yes the person is making noise. people make noise. you are in a fucking public place. children scream in here literally all the time. the seals scream. parents scream. sometimes the people who work here scream, because it is the only way you can hear us over the damn seals.

so why, lady, do you feel the need to make some rude ass comment about a person you don't even know, and look at me like

you expect me to play along

i wish i could say something to you but i am an employee and that is not polite but

if i was just a person i would tell you to shove it

but i wish i could have been a staff member AND told you to shove it

so i could have told you, hey, lady

this person helping you, telling you all this information about sea stars, is also fucking disabled

and your rude as hell eye roll and 'oh great, here we go' and 'really?' and loud scoffing is not appreciated

and frankly you can kiss my autistic ass and get the fuck out

17/30

capitalism is broken

and the reason i know this is because of jurassic park

not the franchise but the canon, the universe it exists in

every time i complain about the jurassic park universe

demanding to know why, for the love of GOD, do people keep opening these parks full of dangerous dinosaurs

someone always tells me 'the money, obviously'

as if capitalism was a reasonable excuse for making a super t-rex that eats people

as if money were an excuse for making yet another death trap

yet another super dinosaur that's going to –inevitably– escape and eat and/or traumatize someone

the idea that the people who built jurassic world looked at the events of jurassic park and thought

the money is worth it

we won't fuck up this time

is completely fucking baffling to me

i suppose maybe i am meant to see this as a heartwarming representation of the american refusal to fail

if at first you don't succeed, try try again, after all!

but i think about the news article i read last night

about how insurance companies worry curing diseases is not profitable

and i think about all the lives lost and therapy needed because everyone in jurassic world refused to learn from john hammond's mistakes

and i don't think any of this is saying americans refuse to fail

it's just saying we don't care how many times we kill people if there's good money to be made

16/30, inspired by how affectionate the characters on new girl are with each other

all through high school i did theatre, and i don't know if this is a universal theatre kid thing, or just something we all did

but we were all about physical contact

we were a bunch of misfit touch starved pets

piling seven teenagers on one sofa, every part of you touching somebody, every part of you warm

and i miss that

all that platonic but physical affection

i am a very affectionate person, and i find myself fighting to seem 'normal' in social situations

reminding myself not to wrap my arms around people, or rest a hand on someone's leg, or call casual friends babe, or offer people bites of food

this is how i lived all of high school

sitting in laps, holding hands in the halls, kisses hello, shared drinks and forks

i miss it

i don't understand our desire as a society to deem intimate touch romantic

why shouldn't i kiss my best friend on the cheek? why shouldn't friends hold hands?

we are social creatures, after all

we don't start out like this

we sleep in heaps at slumber parties, we play doctor, we play house, we do each other's hair

why does all that stop because we get old enough to want to kiss people?

doesn't that seem silly?

15/30 write more love poems about your friends guys. love your friends tell people you love them. i love telling people i love them. i love u. all of u. here's a poem about my best friend aka the greatest human on earth, the guildenstern to my rosencrantz

so i've known my best friend since 9th grade

except

except actually i met her in 3rd grade and didn't know it until 10th grade

and she wasn't my best friend until college

except

except she was, i think, maybe the whole time and we just didn't know it

on my fifteenth birthday she came with me to get my nose pierced and gave me a hand drawn birthday card that quoted my favorite green day song

once we spent six hours on skype drawing bad caricatures of celebrities

and when i left to grab a snack she yelled after me

"don't you go where i can't follow"

our senior year we read "rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead" for ap english and we started calling each other rosencrantz and guildenstern

and when she gave her senior project speech on william faulkner she cried, not because she was nervous, but because she loves faulkner and she got emotional

she is exactly 12 days older than me, and a taurus, and she plays a bunch of different instruments and one day we're going to start a folk punk band called the rebel amish

last summer we went to the deyoung together and laid in a shag covered bean bag chair watching the light show in the summer of love exhibit for like an hour

and we took a selfie in some giant gold antique mirror

and when i picture my future, she is as much a part of it as my boyfriend

this other love of my life, this girl with the bright eyes and the once broken nose and who is always willing to sit and talk about books

or the shitty people we went to high school with

or weird titles for potential memoirs

this amazing person, who is the only person i would trust to drive me through marin county while eating a mcdonalds cheeseburger

it is a different kind of love, sure

but it is a love story

and it is ours

14/30 which i wrote but forgot to post because i was playing video games

i wish my own mysteries were this easy to solve

just look for the spot that glows

and unearth what's hiding

no crying

no years of therapy

no buried memories

just point and click

[originalkittensublime]

...

(NOT EDITED) Not sure where to start. 

I was gone, then I was gone again. Then I left her. But didn't let go ..ever. 

Now I'm back in the city. Of course, I was on that street, of course, I was passing by her work a few times. 

When i saw her first time...from the car, from the other side of the road...my whole body was stuckstucked...like some kind of electricityelectrycity run through it... 

wow. Like there was huge physical response. Mega huge. Then I was there again from the other side... and she saw me. And again boom. I hoped she wouldn't

Now I'm waiting for her to come. Not in a place I wanted, and not in a place she said.. so

...

3.1.20

So it was just a randomrandome coffee place. I was nervousnervouse as fuck, when i was waitingwiting few times i was going outside. If ill be still smoking i would, alot. Then she wrote me she is outside...1 sec and im out. just going there. Going there to hug her. I wasnt thinking i just went there and hugged her, and jesus... that feeling...i missed her so much. She was smiling, she seemedseemsed to be ok. We went in, she was happy as fuck. I was reading. I started to read and all the pain i was trying to get over in past month was comingcming back. All that nightmare we went through... when I was saying I can'tcan live like this anymore coz its killing me, i was saying it all the time, writing even screaming at her, and all she heard was, I will be alwaysallways here, we will make it. And then I left. Which made me a lier in her eyes, made me the person who through her outr of the windows, doors and all the other escape holes on the street like a dog. (her words). I read it all. There were a lot of love, alcohol and some drugs. There was changes, written on a paper. I have no idea about real changes. I believe that people dont change. And when they change for another person it'sits never healthy and good. 

I saw on a paper that all her world is me. That her love is so huge, that it took all the place. Which isn'tisnght sound good...but then.. Somethings turned, changed. 

She was mad again, that kind of mad I'm scared to death, that kind of mad which makes me silent and i cant talk. And then i knew will come that "So?"with that look i was scared too... What could I say if the only thing i was saying was that im not going to be back no matter what. She was mad. Mad that i was there. Mad that i was a ghost. Mad that im not back. Just leave or stay. I decided to leave but never left in a way she needed it. i should probably block her...kindergartenkindergarden... 

After she said "don't you ever come to my face" and left to the bathroom, I did what i thought was the best decision, don'tdont come to her face. As i was going away she run out from the coffee place like a hurricane. Throwing things on the floor. Mad as fuck. Screaming at me all kind of those things... She asked me if i something something like a cunt. Cunt) I said yes. What else could i say. I was going away. She was holdingholing me and she was screaming at me and begging to stay at the same time. I saw all the pain again. Also she said that all her days arealre filled with pain even tho she is calm and ok. 

All the things why i endededned it happened that night again. Fuck, how hard was to just stay with my decision. I just wanted to hug her and all would be good. But that'sthats what we were doing all those 3 months. Just being in the present moment doing things that feels good now. Now I'm focusing on the future. 

You were saying me all those things didn't realize that that'sthats what is frighteningfrightenign me the most. Those things would never make me stay. If I'd stay that night, that would be just coz I would want to stop your pain. Not out of positive feelings towards you. Which is wrong. All the things I'll write and all the things I'll do in the future, you might say i don't love you coz if i would love you I wouldn't dowouldn'tdo and say those things. But please realize, that its not that i don'tdont love you, our love is just very very different. Very much. I read this line when i was around 12 and i rememberedremebered it for all my live "just because a person doesn'tdoesnt love you the way you want, it doesn'tdoesnt mean the person doesn'tdoesnt love you from all the heart". Hear? 

Now let me explain. I will explain as much as i can, i will be writingwrting for as long as i can. Coz i think you need and deserve to know and to understand. I cant talk with you. Coz you with your reactions and negative emotions blocking me and i'mim just stuckstucked in myself and in blaming myselfmyslef for everything in this word. 

Now I feel, that I'm recovering fast. This month without you saved my life, the factfack that my phone died saved my life!! Coz if it wouldnt just die i wouldn be able to just let you go, and i would again focus all of my on you, not on myslef. 

You said that you were hoping that I was thinking about you sometimes, that you was there in small things. Dear, you were everywhere. It wasnt for me easy breazy vacation. I didnt have fun, laught and had sex all days long on a sunny beaches. It was completly different story. Which is my story. JUst mine. I went there to come back to myslef. That what i was doing there all the time. I wasnt about anyone inthe world. Just me for me. I needed to recover from all the hell weve made. And I did. And i might seem for you now cold and heartless. But If i wouldnt we would end up in the same shit. 

Im not onlynot gonna be back in those states where i was before i left. I will not even go that direction. Not even one step there. I realized where i was emotionally. And when with a bit clearer head i looked at it, i was shocked and surprised that i got there and survived it. 

And no, I wasnt giving you "half" that time, as you said me in the car. I gave you 150%. And the only mistake i made, was that I dave you too much. I was surviving with you in a mode that couldnt least for a long time. Just that time i didnt realized it. I thought Im doing right. I did what i felt that time. I was never actually lyingling to you. 

I will repeat you things Ive said many times again for the last time. You were for me special. And you know very well, that I have in my life few more very special people for me. They never went anywhere, even when i was with you. And for the last time - you were on top of all of them, I never gave that much to anyone in my life. That is one of the reason why it dint work. I got into this .. how was it bittersweat tornado, and I focused on you too much and lost myslef. 

Thats not how I love, thats not how my free love works. I locked myslef and I died. And i killed you. I had no idea that time it would be like this. But I couldnt not try. I wouldnt forgive myslef. 

You would do anything for me. You dont want anything in this life just to be with me. Somehow, anyhow. Just to be. Seems like you would do anything, anything just to keep me at least a bit, at least once a week. Im everything for you, and thats the reason i cant be with you. 

For me this is not pure and healthy. The only way I could be in some kind of contact with you, would be if you would have your life and priorities, and i would be somewhereon a second third place. That I would know that I'm not your world. That I'm not the only reason you don't feel pain. Only if you would be able to be happy individual I could be with you by your side. Not as close as i was, obviously. 

My goal was never to delete you from my life. But see, for me love is when I'm ok with myself. 

Thats what i was trying to say a lot of times, thats why i solve all by myslef. Only with clear head and when we learn to be happy and FULL by ourselfs, we can make someone else happy, we can give,  without any side feelings, coz if the person will be gone, there will be still a whole world. It wasnt always easy even for me to let go. But i did, I let go everyone, but thay didnt go anywhere. some people who mattes they stay. And doesnt matter how rare is out communication. 

I admire and love when a person has him own life which is more importaint then me. Its terrifying for me, that Im your life, that im everywhere. 

I will not allow to be in my life all this pain and tears and sadness and dramma, and all this. 

You know what says that red label on my wrist? 

Just that red fucking little stuff holded my yesterday from breakdown. Another one. After meeting with you. I wanted to find there, million km away from home something which will remind me all the things i was thinking and realizind there. When I was there just with myslef. Trying to hear me. Realizing what is importaint and how to make my happy again. 

I wasnt happy there. I dint find my piece. I didnt get over anything i didnt clear my head. I thought i will in 18 days there, without phone. Without you. I didnt. But when I came back to Prague... It was like all this 18 days something was preparing and all this i got in Prague. I'm not sure how to call it. But now I'm stronger. Now I'm fighting for myself. Yes, I'm selfish. It's time to be selfish. It's the only way how can I protect myslef and be happy. 

Sorry, But I will be happy, no matter what. There is not a single person in this word who is more importaint then my happiness. Its like in a plain, you first put mask on yourself, then on others. Same thing. 

No matter what you mean for me, I mean for myself more. And just people who understands this and are the same staus by my side. Coz they are the same. 

Just in this case I can be really free, and i can give all the freedome to them. All. Now I dont specify. Now i talk about me, and all the others. Teo, Anton, You, my friend all the special people, all the random strangers. 

It's a bit scarry to me that I'm not broken now, knowing how bad you feel. But I'm putting all my powers to be happy to focus on positive things and to bring positive in my life. Just positive.  Its not that i dant care. Its just when i care i care too much and its killing me , thats all. And its good for nothing and noone. 

When I came back... I saw my kid... Fuck.. You have no idea, but i feel so much love to him now. I realized again that all those months before I didnt feel nothing to him. I knew i love him, but didnt feel. Now this feeling is dreeping out of me. Like never before. In those moments i feel how much i did for myself in this month. I realize that i will never allow to come back even close to where i was. 

I will be ruthlessly cut off all the negative stuff from my life. 

All this months you was in my head, I missed you, I was sad. But then I started to be more me, I wasnt desperate sad, I just missed you in a very warm way. When i was sad, it was still the warm sad. Not the sad which was killing me. Coz Knowing that you are there and you are alive, and you live your life was warm. Would be warm if you would life your life without pain coz im not there. 

And yesterday I got a huge drop down to all the terrible emotions which were killing me. From which i was running away. Which I cut off. Which makes me not me. 

I was writing you if you cant meet 31 not coz i couldnt wait to get rid of you and keys, but coz I missed you so much. Missed with a smile, and warm feeeling. 

I was thinking that i meet you and i felt happy. 

Wanna know something? Before we met, I had in my head the idea, that i will pretend that i forgot keys, just to have the occasion to see you again. That time i was happy that you gave me those damn keys. And If your meeting would be as it started, if I would see, that you really changed and you are focusing on building your life and on making yourself happy, i would meet you again, and maybe then in some time again, and maybe .... 

But all I saw, was that I mad a huge mistake. As I am, for me is weird to just cut off people form life, block them ect... But thats probably what I needed to do, coz cant let me go. 

In this state, even tho you say that you would be happy even if i would be free and we will meet once a week... You will be not. Coz it wouldn't be equal. I would be free, me and happy, doing whatever i want. And you will be living from meeting to meeting pretending that you dont mind how things are just because you can have at least a little piece of me, hoping that I will not want anyone. This is very wrong. 

And yes, i read what you wrote. But you said all those things even before, not with this words, and probably not so strong. But it was there many times. And this pain and things are

not changing in few weeks. Even for me is hard sometimes to let go. But for you... considering how you love me. You will never be happy for any of my other connections. Why would you?

My love doesn't tie down, doesn't wrap people, doesn't cover. It's there. It's my shine. It's free. And I want the same. Thats me. And It's not easy. It takes alot. Even for Anton it's hard sometimes, to handle my feelings towards others, my falling in love, easy ones or stronger. But this is what makes me me, what makes me alive. When it's blocked I'm dying. I need to be free and walk around with a smile. Be light, be alive, be positive pure, too feel unlimited quantity towards whoever I want, KNOWING THAT IM NOT HURTING ANYONE BY THIS!! Coz No matter what you think I'm doing here, I was never killing people by this. And all of them, in the end, are way happier. I showed them something, and they saw how things could be. They became more strong and fearless to search and find what they really want and need. They were able to believe that they can be how they want. Who they are. Some of them are in relationships, and we are not talking, maybe 2-3 messages a year. They are practically gone from my life, and I'm gone from theirs. But I didn't go anywhere basically. They just have their lifes. And I will be happy to see anyone anytime, tmw in year or 20. We might meet and realize there is nothing to talk about. Next time we could meet and feel all the warmest things in the world. Its life people coma and go. And there is always times for each person in our lives. 

When I once (as you say) said you that I will be always here. I meant this. Coz I dint had in plan to go anywhere. Coz this is what i do. I let go but i dont go anywhere. No matter what stories happened, Im still here for all of the people from my past. Just sometimes when with someone we meet, I feel that there is nothing for this moment. 

I could stay here forever. I could If you would be able to build your life without me. Coz thats how it always was with everyone. Thats how i think, feel, am. 

Just i lost myself in you, and all those things i pushed away and all i had in my was you, and continue to say and do some stuff on autopilot, even tho it didnt fit to our situation. Coz your situation was so different and unique. I didnt know anything. Therefor made a lot of mistakes. 

If I could i would do things differently from the beggining. I cant. 

What I can now, Is to be myself. To be happy. I don't see how can I be all of that and have you in my life. Coz you and your love is very different. 

When people love they dont leave. No, when people love, they dont hold. 

Love is not easy, you have to struggle and sacrifice for love, you have to go through shit for good moment. No, love should be easy, yes, its constant work, but work on yourself at first place,  then on the relationship. It can be hard sometimes, but never the struggle. 

I'll copy here my Ig post: 

"Sacrifice 

Once i heard: “True love is full of sacrifices” I was so... so... I couldn’t even say anything to that. I was speechless.I do not remember now what’s anonymous from sacrifice but exactly that is love. In my world love is running away with a mile steps from sacrificing. And when it comes Love is being destroyed. We choose our partners to get stronger to grow bigger to achieve higher. If you sacrifice for the person “because you love” you doing something which you don’t need and that person doesn’t need. Coz in the end no matter how good intention you had, putting yourself into the position of a person who sacrifice something for another, subconsciously you expect the same from the other side. So in the end you are both just unhappy, BUT you could proudly say that you are working your ass off for each other. That’s just so not right. Live is about giving. Things that makes us happy. Giving freedom and support. And you are not afraid to give endlessly coz you know you will not be less. And when you get, you are not afraid to take, coz you know that this person is free too, and she will not obligate you to give bac

k. You give back coz you are free and happy and you are happy to share those capacity. Coz you trust. It’s unconditional. Even if the person walks away. It’s not your choice. This person is not yours. We are all free. And just when person is totally free and he/she comes back to you, this is what matters. I let go coz I want all to be free, coz I know what we had was precious. For both. And he/she knows it too. He/she might go away on his own path, but in some way he/she is still with you. And if it’s not like this then what’s the sense? Love is not about sacrifice! You could call me selfish. But I believe that you could never do anyone happy if you are not truly happy. 

I’m full, I’m whole, I’m happy and I can give. And in this kind of “Give” this will not make me less, it will not kill me even if the person doesn’t give back. Just in this state it’s possible to build good relationship. And it’s doesn’t matter if you live together or see each other once a year. 

No matter how much i give. If the person go his own way, its ok, coz it’s what he/she needs and wants now. I can't just support and be happy for the person."

All that contains tears and drama is far away from this. 

You should be independent and build your happiness and your life. Put all the effort to make yourself truly happy not depend on anyone. Coz your happiness is what is you what is inside you. Not something or someone. In this case all will be killing you again and again. and the more beautiful things will happen the more it will hurt coz you will think that this will be gone and you will suffer again. You cant put yourself in anyone. Coz it will tear you apart. It always did, and it didn't lead to anything good. When you will putt all the effort to yourself you will never lose. Its win win situation. Coz you find real peace and happiness. Coz you will be free. Strong. Not depending on anyone. 

Coz, when you are happy and shining, people want to be around coz this atmosphere is beautiful. You should be the reason of your happiness not me, not anything else. You. All the rest will come when you will realize this. 

I know you were saying you are ok, and you have peace in you, that you feel again how it is to have you. When I was reading i was happy to read it. But then I saw all this pain again. Pain coz I'm not there. The second part of our meeting just contradicts with all that you wrote. Thats how i fell it. 

First time in all those months I'm not affraid to write all. I'm not affraid how you will react on this message. Coz It's just me, I share my thoughts and who I am. Before when i was saying or writing somthing to you, i was stresssed out of my mind. How will you react. Did i say it right? What is the right answer? Coz I was afraid i will make you fell bad or sad or mad. But this all is just who I am. And this month helped me to make few steps back to myself. I still cant talk to you when you look at me like you did. Its just an automatick reaction with which i cant work right now. I'm not that strong yet. But at least I can write you. 

I cant be the only reason of your happiness. Its scares me. It's too much pressure. It would scare anyone who is a bit ok in his head. To be the reason why person is not in pain. 

If I can wish for something I would wish that I will never mean the whole world for anyone. I don't anyone in this word to have a feeling that that could die for me, that they will do anything for me. 

People should do anything for themselves. And when people are together its not coz they depend on each other. I run from it. Its scary and wrong and against all that I believe in. 

In a fact, basically, I'm not going anywhere. I wouldn't go. But I understand that you really need to cut me off your life completely, coz there is no other way. I wouldn't want it. You said me many times with all the pain of this world "stay or just go" And your "go" means disappear from my life. And your stay means all the things i will never be able to give you. Coz how we was togather wasnt right. There wasnt space even for myself, im not talking about

Teo Anton Nastya, and all the other people, and all the new people. I became more like you. Giving all me to another person. You was my world. My whole world. And nothing else mattered. And look where did it lead us...

But this is what you want. Im sorry but i really cant believe that for you will be ok me meeting other people (and doesnt matter what i do wth them) and meeting you once a week. I dont belive that this will make you happy. Ever. And i know that being without me is even worse. But like this after some time you will get over it. It will take time. How long is on you. You can choose to feel better. You can choose to work your ass of to overcome this. And then you will be free and way happier. Not depending on anyone. This is freedome. To not be depended emotionally on anyone. That thing that you said about pet love. Scared me to death... This is just so wrong and fucked up. And if you will not learnt to cut this off your life, you will never be happy. Coz you are full human being, not a helpless animal. You are beautifull and strong personality. 

You would be happy to see me with someone else just when you will let me go. Not get over me. Im not gonna be over you ever. "There will be no getting over you". But I let you go. And you can't. And with all the feelings you have i have no idea how could you. All your feeling are very strong and very beautifull, but they are not free. 

I hate to bring you so much pain. But the worst is the fack on its own THAT IM ABLE TO BRING YOU SO MUCH PAIN. When I came back to myself i feel that i'm stronger again and I'm again slowly but getting back where I was. Noone can hurt me unless i will alow it. Coz It's just on me, not on someone else. (except when someone will just put a bullet in me, there i cant do much) But the emotional state is something we can and should control. 

It might seem that Im saying that I will be just with happy person in happy moments coz its easy. That would make me not so great) But You should know that im not like this I'm far from this. 

Its not about that. Its about presets and settings in your head. Of course, there could be harsh times for everyone, and I dont remember myself letting someone down when i knew i could help somehow. Or just to talk to a person, give some advice. Or be there. I can be support. But never a whole reason for feeling ok or happy. 

People who are around me, I want to have a desire to reach them. To be inspired by them, and to inspire them back. I wan't to look at them and feel that they are hustling in their life for their happinness and when they need a little support to kick their ass in the direction of making theyir life happy. And be somewhere next. No matter how close of far. 

One of the most important people for me, I see this person once a year. Doesn't make it worst. And no, I cant say that i relay on this person 100% and that no matter when i call i know i will get help there. NO. Its not about this. I don't feel this to anyone. Coz i respect all the lifes. I can never just relay on anyone, coz this person could have his own stuff to solve and deal right now. The only one i can relay is me. And of course i know there are people who will support me. But its not like they are obligated. And if they will not, i will understand why not. 

Actually I feel now so much purity and energy, I wish I could somehow share it with you, and help you to become a happy person, but I'm exactly not the person who should to it. Coz it's like a drug. And to overcome it and be happy you should get rid of drugs - me) And I feel that untill I'm in your life you wont be able to do it. And I know you said that I'm not addition. 

But i dont know how else to call it. 

After many month, I feel the power and desire to work on myself. For the better future. To think and plan future and put afford to it. To slowly get rid of all bad habbits and bad influences. To make all i can to make myslef happy. To clear my mind to be in perfect balance with my disasters inside)

All that i have in my head is "SORRY, BUT I WANT TO BE HAPPY"

I kno

w that all that is inside of us creating all our life, that is why i don't want any negative anymore, coz it affects our body, our life, the things around. Its all so much connected that its unbelievable. 

And I don't want to be for someone just "saver from pain". I want to be an addition. I want to make whole happy lives even happier. That's the only way when i can give and not be afraid that person will get addicted on my or on what i give. I just make it a bit better. Add something extra to already something beautiful. This is pure and not harmful for me. 

I have no idea how will be my life now, how and with who will be my future. But I know I will be happy. I decided to be happy. No matter what. No matter how hard is it. No matter how hard is no say "no", and make some decisions. I'm sorry, but i want to be happy. Happy in who I am and how I am, and next to me will stay just people who can also trully TRULLY be happy for who I am and what I am. For who my decisions will be not harmfull. 

I really dont fully get it... I thought after yesterday I will be broken again as i was allways. I thought all this 3 weeks of hard work to bring myslef back was just gone by few hours with you. But I fell ok. I cant understand how the hell can i be ok, knowing that you are suffering. But I stopped taking on myslef responsibility of someones happiness. I cant make anyone happy. I can make happy myself. The only person in the world who goes over this rules is Teo. 

All the rest... no ,not Anton, not even my parents. No one happiness is my responsibility. I'm sorry if you think that Im cruel and cold by saying this. But this is who I am and what I believe in. And always was. I just lost myself for a while. 

And a big part of this is Teo. I know that i can give him endless love just when im like this. When I'm happy. Not coz something or someone. Not coz somethins is happening or not. I dont want not to run away and just to be with mysleft coz i dont know where and how to put somewhere all my feelings tat are tearing me apart. I want to come back to him, and give him all of me, all of my love. Coz Im finally stong and have capacity for giving him all this. To be there for him with my mind not just dead body. And this worth it all. And just in this state i can give not only to Teo, but to everyone. I'm learning again to feel, seems like learning to walk from the scratch again. But as im learning to feel, I'm learning to be happy and to feel feeling for all, bright, true, pure feelings. 

Im sorry, but i chose to be happy. This is me. And i would not block you in insta. If what I have there will hurt you, please dont follow me.  I respect you, and will not chase you or be a ghost. I will not. I will be just me, I will be happy. And I want you to know that I will be happy to see you again. Coz my feeling... I know it seems that thay changed a lot. But in the fact they didnt. They just got into the form that is not harmful for me. Unfortunately its harmful for you. 

And I dont want to be a reason of pain as much as i don't want to be a reason of happiness for you. 

I might be wrong. But if things would really really change, yesterday meeting wouldnt look like that in the end.

Im sorry, I choosed to be happy. And yes, I will welcome with warm hug anyone who will come with warm and positive and pure feelings to me, who will want to make me even happier, not expecting anything back. 

Selfish? yes, alot, a guess. But this is the only way how i can recover and give back my pure and huge shiny energy i had inside. I was shining all over the place. I lost it. And i will not lose it again. 

I know there will be hard times, sometimes. But I will fight them all. And I will be able to make other happy and give just with this attitude. 

I'm not cruel. I'm not a cunt. Im pure and kind. And finally I started to belive in it again. You, you made me belive in opposite many times. And its hard to go back. And I'm not blaming you, it was just my perception of your words and actions and what i allowed to happen. I dodnt get when and how i tottaly lost myse

lf. 

I dont want anymore be sad and reflect every sad song i hear. I dont want any more stress and dramma in my life, I dont want to freeze on the street, i dont want to go to sleep later then 22, I dont want to be lost, i dont want to be tired, depressed, melancholic... I want to move forward. I want work my ass of for a better life, for better wellbeing, for better body, better mind, I want to work, i want to feel, I want avoind alohol, cigarettes, bad habits. I want to avaod anything which is not moving me with every step to better life not now but in the furute. in 1 year, 5 years. I want to go there, I see bright and wonderfull future, I dont know with who or how. But i know i can. anyone can. And every day I will make a small step to a happier furute. And I want people like this around me. 

I will always welcome people like this in my life. 

Yes, It's easier just to lie down under the blanket and be sad and cry over all sad things in life then fight for own hapiness, takes a lot of energy, but it will bring way more effort in the future. 

I didnt get over shit) And balive me, this all is not easy for me. But I understand how valeable this is. And for this understanding im greatfull, coz it's the most powerfull triger. To realize and understand what for you do stuff, what the thigs you do today will bring you in the future. What can you make to feel at least a bit better. Small things, step by step, but in right direction. Coz you know where it will eventually lead you one day. 

I dont want to be blamed, i dont want to feel guilt, i dont want to make fuckups, i dont want to make bad decisions. I want to be happy. Not coz of something, but coz of me. Then Im endless treasure with light. for everyone. Yeah, thats my shine. 

I dont wanna be your shine. I want you to find yours.

I dont wanna be your shine. I want you to find yours. In you. 

As I did. 

I dont think that you will fully understand me, as you think i dont listen dont read and dont understand you. But maybe this will make the whole stuff at least a bit more clear for you. And for me. I wrote this more for myslef. To remeber al this. To read it again and coma back to this state when needed. 

To never forget what the red line in my body means. BEYOU.

those are not just words. Those two words doesnt mean much untill you dont put meaning in it. And i Put the whole universe to it. This red mark on my body is my ticket to bright happy future. I dont know with who. But I know for sure it will be wonderfull!

I want to beback to all my sided to the purest person and kindest, to the slutty slut, to shy girl, to honest happy kid, to silly creature, to crazy weirdo, to depressed darkness JUST WITH MYSELF AND FOR ONE EVENING, to a stunning lady, for caring for not caring sometimes, to fale sometimes in a way that it doesnt actually matter alot, to free to feel and do whatever i want. But with thinking about consequences. Thinking subconciously just as i used to.

Yes, I will do mistakes, coz I'm not on an easy path. But i will do all i can not to forget and lose myslef again. No matter what!!

I never wanted to cut off you out of my life, I wanted to cut out all the negative stuff. And I dont want to fight with you or for you or for anyone else, i dont want to struggle i dont want to suffer. I will not put myself or my energy for saving anything! I will be happy and i will be myself and i will emit warmness and shine as I used to. Thats how it always could work. Thats the only way it could. When troubles come to relationships people should start to work on themselfs and if those are the right people it will bring them closer to each other. When we were in shit with A i never fighted for him or for us. We both started

to work on ourselfs with psychotherapist and by ourselfs too, this brought us back to the right path. Thats the only way I will always do it. I was never fighting for anyone. The only person I was fighting for was you. And it killed me it killed you. wrongwrongwrong! I learned. I did. If you think im cold and selfish. OK. You have all the right, i guess. But i look back and analyze all my life how i was how i am who i am how it worked what i did, and this is what i see. This is my truth. This is me.

This is me to who Im coming back through everything and everyone who will come on the way. To shine again. To feel this endless energy in me. To be so alive that it contagious for all the people around!!

Im not going away from this road, no matter what and noone will stop me.

I’m sorry, but i choose to be happy.

__________

all this text is on my wrist, all this text marked me with a red line and comes from it. This all I put to the two primitive words BE YOU and two one red line.

[ask-joeydrewstudios]

((this is totally subject to change at random and I don't know when or how or if it even will (probably as canon becomes more clear haha edit from the future, My City Now, canon is void regardless this is actually more or less how it happened) so I'll just give you the current version. Its a little cliche but hey I will write this AU as I please xD weird blend of rambling and fic under the cuttt because i dunno what im doing anymore))

  So it's 1928, and Joey Drew Studios had just released its first animated short. Oh boy, did it take off. It was picking up attention like nobody's business, and one of the people who it had taken the attention of was a then 15 year old Henry. He was already skilled with a pencil and interested in drawing, it was something he loved dearly and had been doing for a long time. He always had a sketchbook and at least three pencils on him, and he would draw at every given opportunity. This included on public transport, which is what would lead to what he calls one of the greatest moments of his life.

  He sits down on a train one afternoon and, with not much else to do, pulls out his sketchbook and a pencil. He still had that cartoon on his mind, it had been a few weeks and he was still thinking about it. He'd already filled a few pages with doodles of Bendy and other cartoony looking characters drawn from memory or imagination, and he was looking to fill another during the hour long train ride. He had a page he had started the night prior, so he got back to work. It wasn't long before the man sitting next to him closed his own book and expressed an interest in what he was drawing. Not much longer after that they were having an entire conversation based around art and animation and what Joey Drew Studios had been doing, all while Henry showed off the other toon drawings he had done, as well as some various studies and drawings. The guy seemed quite impressed with his work, and was even more impressed to hear that Henry was of such a young age.

  "Nice to see someone like yourself so passionate about drawing, and already so far along in mastering your craft." He had said with a chuckle.

  "Of course sir, there's nothing more in the world I love more than drawing."

  The conversation continued, and near the end of the ride Henry mentioned how he'd like to work at the animation studio one day, but he thought it was unlikely since they probably had high standards and dozens, maybe hundreds of other people probably looking to get in.

  "I wont stop dreaming, though. You never know what'll happen..." Henry’s gaze wishfully drifted up from his sketchbook and to the window across from him.

  "That's a good attitude to have, and you're quite right: you never do know what could happen." He paused. “Could I see your sketchbook for a second?”

   “Uh, sure, go ahead.” He handed the pad of paper over, and the man produced a fountain pen from his coat and flipped to the very back page. He began to write something, Henry couldn’t see what from the angle the sketchbook was held at. He finished writing, and handed it back to its owner.

   I don’t think I’ve met anyone with such a clear passion for drawing as you have, and you’re already quite skilled. I’d like to stay in contact.

   There was a mailing address, and a phone number.

   Best wishes, Joey Drew

  In the corner of the page there was a small doodle of Bendy, smiling and winking. Henry stared at the page confused for a moment, and then it clicked. He looked back up at the man, looked properly at his face for the first time which he'd kept partially obscured under the brim of his hat and a popped coat collar until now...

  Yeah. Never know what'll happen. He'd just spent the past 47 minutes talking to Joey Drew himself and he didn't realize it until now.

  ...he'd just spent the past 47 minutes being a total dork to Joey Drew himself. Oh god, what were the odds?

  "You’re-”

   “Yup!” He cut him off, not wanting him to announce his presence to the entire train. He offered his hand. “And you would be...?”

   Crap, all this time talking and they hadn’t introduced themselves. He couldn’t tell if he was making a great first impression, or a terrible one.

   “Henry.” He shook his hand, despite the fact that his own were shaking. “Pleasure to meet you.”

  "Likewise.” Joey leaned towards him with a smile and spoke in a hushed voice. “Maybe when you're a little older, and you've gotten even better, you can come work with me at my studio like you said."

  Henry was almost in tears, still in awe at the fact that he'd met The Man Himself somewhere as undramatic as a train. He shook his hand, and he had offered him a job. His dream job. This is not at all what he was expecting when he woke up this morning. All he could do was nod as Joey quietly went on about how he loved his energy, and how he felt they were destined to work together. He wouldn’t tell the kid, but he reminded him of himself in a weird way. He knew if he didn’t make the offer, their paths may never cross again and he’d regret it for the rest of his life.

   They kept talking until the train stopped, and Henry had to leave. Part of him didn't want to get off the train, but part of him did if only to finally be able to calm down. Joey sent him off with a pat on the shoulder and a smile, and when Henry took one more glimpse of him right before exiting the train he saw him give a little wave, and he returned with his own slow, shy wave and a dorky grin. Joey kept his smile as he returned to his book, Henry freaked out to himself the entire walk home while clutching his sketchbook to his chest, and his parents didn't hear the end of it for weeks. They kept in contact through the phone and letters, the latter of which always had little doodles contained within them. Joey encouraged him to keep drawing and would give advice on art and later life itself when Henry came to him with troubles, and Henry would make sure to keep up with as much studio news as possible and would give his thoughts on any new cartoons the studio produced. He saw them all multiple times. Some of his thoughts even ended up having an impact on future cartoons. Joey wasn't supposed to, but he would share extra information about them sometimes - unused ideas, things they had to cut, all that Cool Behind The Scenes stuff. The second he was able, Henry went off to work at the studio like he'd dreamed for what had been years at that point. Joey was happy to have him. They've been working together ever since.

Like I said this is entirely prone to change because we know so little about their history in canon. As much as I love the “Joey and Henry were friends before Bendy was a thing, and they made him and the studio together” idea, I like the “Henry found Joey through Bendy’s success” idea just a little more :P henry met joey because he was drawing fanart of his oc on a public train and ended up working on the cartoons he was such a fan of. honestly, goals.

also i low-key might not change this even if canon contradicts it because its really precious and wholesome and this is an au anyway. this blog’s gonna turn into a game of “just how far can I pull this out of the way of the game’s canon...”

[glopratchet]

simo-beeing

I cant even believe ive pulled it off either, took a while to set up and almost got caught a couple times but it all payed off! Was actually stupidly easy if i do say so myself! he has only started his official guard training but has already proved to be quite capable with the basics, not as good as me of course, if you are reading this then thats one thing you should take away, you must be better than the rest or you will not survive in this new world attached is is his note paper he left around his latrine board which lists all the other shifts so ive done them all now! , some of the older residents already queing up to use it when ive come on shift, he has already made 200 from me alone he is now the richest boy in the guard aside from me :) Too late to back out now does this mean im in charge now? i'm not sure about this, im going to need some help directly to the awaiting bows etched beautifully on the surface, they look like stained glass windows The church has a logo too but it looks different, perhaps its different in the bible times? Like this alligator bladder inflatables, alligator collagen and many others that are all neatly organized into these clever boxes via conveyer belt to each corresponding window There are also windows for people to put their wastes in as well!! lies on a tray which collects them from the windows and comes around in a cycle that reminds me of those claw crane games, whatever you can squeeze out of the vending machine is yours I guess as far as the waste goes, the amount you take is based on your ranking in society Poor people cant take much but they get more than sodarites so they can trade it i suppose are dispensed from chutes hidden in the walls next to the windows This seems pretty complicated i hope you all are happy its your asses if this thing breaks, apparently everything is monitored via those cameras from control so maintenance is not something i need to worry about, as for retrieving the profits if the creature has been killed is also pumped out from his magical portal costume or something, i dunno Also washboards tons and tons of them and bubble wrap the alligators must really love to sleep on that stuff anyway this is all to be expected We basically sold out completely, 7 minutes of every hour are taken up by products thats why they scampered around so much at first, gave them more room to pump out more crap simultaneously , a flatbrim ballcap and navy jeans standing at one of his windows cheerfully greets every customer with a big smile I sometimes break from my gatekeeping to inspect some of the meat, it gives me mixed feelings to see it go through not knowing if im sending dead gators to a warm cozy home or chucking it in a trash pit somewhere, i ponder this as im picking flesh chunks off my claws , a high ranking position to be sure The most obnoxious thing is it came with matching shoes with little gators on them like COME ON!!! You shouldnt advertis ewho you are on your shoes for god sake! They cant take you seriously in these things, they look clownish We have even had talks to passing alligator ranchers about potential business deals in the future In any case our family has started rolling in the dough, unfortunately GiGi is still a dog biscuit away from the good fairy granting her speech but she doesn't seem too bothered by it, we really dont talk too much anyway The shivers are happy Life is easy, all i have to do anymore is open the gate that's it a HUD, with the locations of all the turrets and cameras for the stadium, best to keep the customer experience top notch afterall Although I don't think it matters too much,there are so many shivers in now every one has a different path to their tunnel system that even at a 5% attrition rate the population keeps climbing! Its starting to reach overcrowding levels but its not like we're sending anyone back alright? Were not! encryption codes for all the conversations that happen so far using your custom security systems A fulltime worker you have hired helps manage the trading floor while you police the stock market multiple times a day incase any occurances need your attention You created jobs for everyone, you created a life and a grand beard that laves the belly area of his long coat He wears light hiking boots presumably to trek through the sewers with and a travler's backpack for over night trips, sure signs of a trader! The success has lead to others trying their luck in there, but only few have even come close to GiGi's success, it might be your tech or the shiver's that attract them but one thing remains true It's your name that sucks to them most of the time, most of it stuck in there own routines, seems like they barely tolerate him now Water is quite rare for us now so we have to wait until it rains before doing the wash,still worth it though! or we salvage it from the toilet tanks any way the guy is called Mike, goes by GiMMiX online, one of the newer traders that have recently started coming here Normally I don't hear them until they are at the top floor then they normally eat at GiGi's before they leave He must be pretty confident to try sell me stuff when he knows who I am You should do this more often Dad, this is a nice talk over dinner, see ya with that guy and helped create a community of thriving humans who enjoy the gifts this world has to offer You and Lena? Yep that'll do, you'll name your robot Lena as a sign of appreciation Once you have entered her name you are greated with a box asking for a last name, you type in GiGis and it accepts it CONGRATULATIONS! "Lena GiGi-S-I-S" has been added to your home! You have created a second living creature that enjoys your presence A screen pops up with her picture on the left and some more information about her on the right, this is where you can change her name, informaion, add or remove her from your home and much more Some buttons appear at the bottom letting you navigate through the various screens you are glad that you managed to get communications working on a large scale between herds again You decide to leave the GiGis identification screens for later, you have just noticed that it is already outside and the herd of Shreks haven't gone past yet! Last night when you saw them they were making sounds that the Calvary were coming soon and every one was getting excited You always felt that division was the ruin of the humans indeed a couple of weeks pass and the music has been rejoined by happy trumpets that could only belong to GiGis It's nice to see her so happy, she really loves that music next week you get a visitor You hear a voice on the PA asking for you and asking to visit outside You buff up, take your gun and head to the top floor You open your window and see a woman your age looking up at you,she is pretty obviously pregnant, has grown nails and dark green skin She speaks "Hey, I'm Lena" "I know" you reply cautiously "i also Know that you have GiGis" She says pointing at your robot who is sitting to the side of the window "Yes, she is mine" Lena nods "I want to add her to the herd, the music has brought all of us joy and peace for years, GiGis would be a welcome edition to our little community" You weren't really sure what to expect when you got your first visitor, but it wasn't this You complte the transaction and feel very HAPPY as a result Music truly is the mystical link that connects all creatures on this planet! You wonder how you never saw it before,of course the differentherBS would feel joy at GiGis playing, what kind of a horrible person does this to beings who love music as their mother plays piano in the next room! The happy GiGis announces a new song "Go die in a fire (Ilium update discussion #405)" You don't mean to listen, but you can hear it quite clearly as the topic of the songs is pretty relevant to you right now You leave your home and head straight for the gate, you aren't really sure what you will do when you get there, but you are really angry! Before you know it you are flying through the air and in a yard with a massive collection of shreks and GiGis himself He is strangely cheery You stand up and aim your gun at him "Downѕtand!" you shout angrily He laughs "No" You fire at him, and are surprised to see that you shoot a stream of confetti GiGis laughs even louder now YOu start firing in all directions and realise that all you are doing is shooting party favors into the air, including one very large one right behind GiGis You dart back inside just as your entire house explodes into a million pieces and rains down onto the remaining houses You peek outside a bit later and see nothing but rubble where there were once houses and the words "All are GiGis" hovering above it all

[ecotone99]

[MF] A teaser of what it may eventually end up being a novel

Well, first Hi! this is my first post here (so, sorry if im not used to the full lenght of rules and stuff).

English is also not my first language, So I spent the last 3 hours trying to translate this little thing in something readable, sometimes with the help of a translator, so, sorry if there an inconsistency here and there, limited vocabulary or something just... off (yo can obviously criticize it too so I can do it better next time, but my focus is the story per se)

Anyway, the story is based on a dream I had a weeks ago, involving a grim future for my old TRPG character. I hope you find something of it enjoyable!

optional Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vhfXiym9iiIwvtJgPKXvHjPkIeUnBBhd6_-g_2R0JPg/edit?usp=sharing

- … This old factory should do - huffed Marcus with a trembling voice - That shelving over there seems to be out of sight enough. You guys should hop in and get some sleep

We all nodded, trying our best to rest.

To my right, John tried to cheer Sean, locked in his eternally taciturn semblance. I ignored if Sean thought that rediscovering each other in a place and time like this was inappropriate, or if his seriousness simply hid a mousy child in the body of an adult. Or maybe I was just projecting my own thoughts and concerns on them. Who knows?

As an answer, Sean simply muttered something unintelligible and turned his body out of my sight.

John made a grimace and looked at me

- You. Specially you, should get some rest too, Anon - For ...Months? Years? All my life? I've spent a so long without talking, that the name stuck with me, after that time on which they tried to guess my birth-given one for the first time in a jolly gust of timid laughter. They gave up, calling me “anonymous”, and “Anon” stayed, almost like an insignia of our path interlacing. - Don’t listen to that jackass, just close your eyes. We will be fine.

My whole silent answer was staring at him bluntly, ignoring his concern for me, and continued sitting on my own legs, using the stinging pain as a catalyst for my concentration. It wasn’t working.

- Use this - Said a voice climbing the shelving, handing me the bucket in her little hands and urging me to use my “second vision” on the water and oil paints she found and poured in. It was Mariah. A little girl we found on the road and that, despite having taken me as an “old sis” and mimic me, she was obviously too young to rely on. I didn't trust her.

I simply leaned over my side, releasing some of the pressure on my legs and her constant wounds, and observed the countless patterns of colors, overlapping one on top of the other, and taking me, partially, to that distant and treacherous place that was the “future”.

It was strange, without a doubt. The visions. Despite their symbolism, they felt so… real. And yet, I was well are of my own eyeballs crossing over and over, as if each one decided on following a pattern on its own. I was vaguely aware of the heavy breathing coming from Sam, to my right, and his need for an inhaler we couldn't provide. And of course, I was aware of the frank concern coming from Mariah in front of me. What was about that kid that made me feel so uneasy? I couldn't tell

Soon I wasn't there at all. I was still at the factory, but the darkness of sunset wrapped the place on a mantle of shadows. A double edged blade.

I observed through the windows, but instead of ruins, that place was exuberant with life; Bags and boxes all over the relatively unpolluted place, surround machinery that rather than dead seemed to just be catching breath for work on the next day. Among the rust - on where the rust was supposed to be, a moment ago - a head rushed in my field of vision, whispering something I couldn't quite grasp, almost as if I was trying to hear that voice underwater, but interpreted as danger and urge. So I woke up the unfortunate lovebirds on my right. Only that “second” Mariah, looking me worried through that veil that muffled her words, gave away the unhappy secret that was realizing that world wasn’t real. Through the veil, not only voices but faces blurred too, and bodies had a strange nuance of hue on them, as if time wasn’t sure on which speed to move. But I could have accepted all that as real If I really tried with all I had. I wonder why I had never done that; Surrendering myself entirely to that place and live the infinite possibilities of an uncertain future, until my body consumed itself in the present. I thought about it, while a little unruly voice in the back of my head tried to remind me of the past.

Ignoring that third-layer of thoughts, I doubled my efforts and the vision became more clear.

In silent despair, we observed how countless soldiers surrounded us from every angle, only betrayed by the friction of their clothing, and that strange light slicing darkness in half and giving away the rest of their team, one after the other, while our panic grew like a boiling red-hot ball of steel in our throats.

We ran as fast as we could without revealing ourselves, but we knew that sooner or later the creak of the metal, or the rustle of the boxes that so generously hid us would give us away. Sooner or later our sounds would reach the ears of our foes, so, While pointing at the exit, Marcus sprinted in the other direction, trying to get their attention and give us an opening.

Skidding, yet avoiding all the shots so far, he retraced his steps, tossing shelvings and its content away indiscriminately to hinder the soldiers, but they were flooding the place in droves, threatening with ambush him sooner rather than later. I bit my lip and pledged to avoid that sacrifice.

While impeding guilt started to creep in, one of the soldiers managed to find us through his scope. About to suffer the same fate as our most recent saviour, John interceded just in time, hushing our sentence with a kick and a crack.

We crossed the door and ran. We crossed walls, just to find more and higher walls. More vast areas, more exuberant trees and buildings, and with each step more and more people. We were getting close to that city downton, and a nightly festival seemed to welcome us.

Panting, we tried to blend in the crown, but we were sticking out too much. The looks of the locals perched in us more times that I would have tolerated normally if I were alone. But two hands firmly squeezed my wrist as a warning, and we continued our walk of shame, dirty, ragged and exhausted, through the crowd. We passed by multitude of people and food stands, and I think even our destiny, because Mariah suddenly gasped something in her native language that I couldn't understand.

It sounded like a warcry full of pain.

And the soldiers surrounded us.

In reality, I was vaguely noticing the tears of rage falling down my cheek, while Mariah, the authentic, landed her strangely cold hand on my arm, taking me out of my stupor with the shock. I tried to control my anger, rooting down in so many levels that I couldn't even justify them anymore, in vain.

Like scoffing us, Marcus climbed up to us, letting those eyes full of scars for everyone to see.

- We are surrounded.

Despite the sunlight still high in the sky, I knew what that meant to us, and it wasn’t good. Panicking, I ignored Marcus words and refuses his future sacrifice jumping down to the floor. Mariah tried to follow me, but she tripped with a cable. I stood there in shock for a second, but then acridly accepted that some things cannot be changed and kept running.

Trying to stay out of the sight of the soldiers through the windows and the countless doors that had collapsed in that place over the years, I saw, briefly, how Marcus urged Mariah to climb again, but there was no more time. John and Sean took each others hands and jumped out of my field of vision. I couldn’t see any of them anymore, nor I could go back. All I heard were shots and shouting, witnesing how both started to fade and become more and more infrequent. My panic grew higher, but I was able to control my breathing, and without looking back managed to outflank most of the guards, thanks to my size. It did not looked like they had my description, so it would be a while before they realized one of us was missing.

That was my chance. I crossed the lintel of the window, taking one piece of the broken glass while ignoring the pain, and moved on. Most of the soldiers were already inside the factory, or taking care of what I knew deep inside now were probably no more than the inert carcasses that were once my friends.

But a soldier remained, almost in front of me. I never knew if it was there to check every possible exit fulfilling his duty, or was left behind to lace his boots but it didn’t matter anymore. When he saw me, like a shadow, I jumped on to him slicing his throat, while the shard of glass carved deeper into the flesh of my palm, in protest. I considered taking their car, but that would have been very stupid and the death of that soldier meaningless, and less than silent.

While considering my options, and imperative and deep shout rumbled inside the factory sending a chill down my spine. They probably saw me or the dead soldier. So I started running.

I ran and ran, and ran desperate between the hills of that narrow street, cursing my short legs, swearing over my wounds, old and new, and blaspheming all kind of profanities over my luck and cowardly. But when I finally looked back, despite being able to hear them in the distance, I saw no soldier behind. It was my chance!

“You are alone… again.”

I ignored the gloomy thoughts and kept running, this time at a more inconspicuous way that allowed me to conceal my wounds and catch my breath again. I looked over each and every house, trying to find a suitable one to hide, but mostly I only found walls, tall metal fences, dead ends and dogs on the other side. Neither would make for a clean getaway. Not in time. Definitely not without leaving a huge blood trail. I squeezed my hand even harder against my chest and let out a frustrated sob, just when I saw a home with the gates wide open, almost as an invitation.

I knew it was risky, and perhaps even obvious, but I crossed over to that garden without further hesitation, and encompassing the house I started to think once more on my options. It was then when I heard little screams. Startled at first, but nostalgic not long after, realizing they came from several childrens playing and running around. It must have been a birthday party.

They hadn’t see me yet. Should I just simply open the door and beg for asylum? Maybe hide in their furniture? None of those options had a happy ending in my head. While I saw a little girl that could not be more than four, hugging someone that could not be other than her mother, I used the last of my strength, and with eyes blurred by effort and tears, I climbed to the roof.

But apparently life is never that kind, and luck stroke me greatly, when I saw the little girl say something and point at me directly through the window. However I was too weak to deal with it, and never knew if someone else than the little girl managed to see me.

Not like it mattered anymore, sooner or later the soldiers would get with my trail and cross their path with that family. And what would happen then when a little kid described the person that killed one of their own? I did not wanted to give them more means to find me, nor I wanted to check what those bastards decided to do with the witnesses.

I jumped from roof to roof, almost as if my time suspended in the air was trying to match the weight on my heart and the little content of my stomach. The back of my head was barely aware of the fact that those modern roofs were starting to get partly replaced with wood and clay tiles, filling the outline of my sight with nostalgia.

“Just a little more…”

About to fall more than once, my grip on those surfaces started to get ferocious, while I lost the one I had on reality. One last jump, and without realizing when, suddenly there was only void under my feet, as I landed on the hill of the home that saw me grow.

Bewildered, I walked down that rocky grassland, but the steps became a trot, and those irregular strides were soon replaced by jubilous little howls, in a body a bit older and more impatient than the one left behind to run down the hill. And as I ran, I hopped over the rocks, even skipping some, and trying to jump as high as I could to look over the chasm of my little mountain. For the first time in a long time I was laughing out loud again, immersed in my little memory.

Before long, I approached the big tree. And old oak under which two families were celebrating something I couldn't recall. Eating together, while the breeze caressed each of the present faces, promising Spring.

By the time someone noticed me, I was already in between the group of elders. A kid, somewhat younger than me at the time came to meet me. But my ardour laid elsewhere, and I took the advantage of a big boulder, to jump over him and grab one of the lower branches of the tree. In the end, it took me a few attempts, but I made it.

Of course, what I wanted wasn’t to climb the tree per se, I knew that eventually the branches would end up being too thin to hold my weight, and the foliage would have hindered the view either way, no; What I wanted was but that little treasure that caught the corner of my eye and I refused to let go. Just a couple more jumps, and before I realized, the little slugbunny was in my hands. White as snow to camouflage in the winter, despite its fast fur adaptation to the environment, it wasn't quick enough to avoid the surprise of an early spring, as the tree leaves became a delatory red.

Without much effort, I tried to twist his neck, but my hands were too small, and the animal were struggling too hard. However, just before I lost my prey, the kid came to me and offered his help. He finished his suffering off while I held the body, now motionless, that I showed off like a trophy to the elders, that ended up sighing and scolding me, but also laughing and cherishing my skills.

The afternoon went by faster than I thought, and the apprehension of forgetting something important was long one. Under the ebbing sun, the boy took some courage and with it my hand, taking me where his words couldn't be heard by the rest of his family.. He promised me… what was he saying?

I couldn't make out the words, and the wind now howling along the birds, carrying dust and leaves with it, forced me to squint my eyes. Ours met, and I knew who that kid was, and everything else came back to my head in a rush, like a bucket of cold water.

When I woke up, I was lying on a prairie, much different from the one that lit up the memories of my childhood. Dirty, mauled but surprisingly relatively intact. At least no broken bones that I could tell. I observed how the sunset contrasted with the summit I jumped from while running away, several meters above me, and that building that last saw me loose consciousness, now without a trace of those old clay tiles on wooden roofs. Much less the people that already had their last breath long ago. Now that I was awake, I wondered if those crimson bricks were the only witnesses of my fall…

Not without effort, I got up in my feet, and continued my way.

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