#embarassing that this is how i cope

[junscoffinated]

(unfinished) vent writing tw: implied harassment, self harm, c-tting meant to be a sort of comfort thingy as nikolai is my comfort character, but i lost motivation and i don't think i'll ever finish this so i'm just putting it here

You found yourself trapped in a business meeting with your boss, your heart racing. The words of your colleagues barely registered; short "yeah," "uhm," and "uh-huh"s was all you could muster. The relentless pounding in your chest begged for the meeting to end. Concentration was futile— how could it not be? The leader of this meeting had been harassing you discreetly for days, and to make matters worse, he was your boss, the company's CEO, manipulating his power to silence you about the reprehensible actions he had taken. He had the audacity to pretend like nothing had occurred.

You're sick of it all. You just wanted to escape this meeting and leave.

As the meeting concluded, you left the office swiftly, relieved that, at least today, your boss didn't summon you to his office for some sick plan he had concocted.

Shoes were hastily discarded at the entrance, and you rushed to reach your bedroom doorknob and slumped to the ground. Still clad in your suit and tie, you rubbed your temples, feeling the unsettling chill in your trembling hands. You rubbed your temple, hands shaking and feeling unnaturally cold. You were back in the comfort of your own home, but why was your heart still continued its erratic beats?

"Why, why," you muttered, a hoarse voice matching the tremors in your hands. "God.. not again. Fuck, how do I-" Eyes closed, you nibbled on your lower lip, inhaling and exhaling in an attempt to regain composure. But it was all fruitless. The pounding heart, shaky hands, and inconsistent breathing intensified. You despised this feeling, this all-too-familiar sensation.

"This is not the first time it happened. Should be fine, right?" you told yourself that, "Right. I should be okay. Should be fine... just calm down." Again and again, like a mantra. Yet, the more you uttered these assurances, the more the dirty feeling seeped into your body. Being in your own skin felt repulsive, the intensity making you wish you could somehow shed it to escape the filth.

Alas, that's nothing but an impossible desire.

Thinking a shower might cleanse both the body and mind, you scrubbed vigorously until your skin turned red. Yet, facing your own naked reflection, the reminder of past violations intensified your self-loathing. The sight was so revolting that you almost wanted to shatter the mirror and shut your eyes forever.

With damp hair and a towel draped over your neck, you entered your bedroom, frantically searching your desk with trembling hands and knees. In a cabinet, you sought something sharp—anything would do. After a few seconds, you found it. A blade! The weight of the sharp object in your grasp should bring discomfort, a pang of recognition that what you're contemplating is wrong. However, in this desperate moment, the usual moral considerations fade into the background. Relief becomes your singular focus. Holding it tightly as if your life depended on it, you contemplated its use.

Your chest rose and fell as you brought the blade closer to your already uneven arm, littered with self-inflicted scars. "Just a little," you told yourself, the ritual all too familiar.

You wonder when this all would end. Why you? Why does this keeps happening to you, out of the many people in this world?

You wish you could just abandon this disgusting slab of flesh soon.

"BOO!" A voice echoed behind you, causing you to jump, the blade slipping from your grasp.

Nikolai, as always, appeared unannounced.

"Kolya!" you greeted, setting the blade aside awkwardly. "You're here." A forced chuckle escaped your lips as your eyes met Nikolai's mismatched ones. Once again, the silver-haired jester interrupted you, showing up right when you were on the brink. Attempting to maintain a smile to mask the panic, you faltered. Nikolai's grin widened, silently mocking your feeble attempt at composure.

[popcorndispenser]

Hershel is actually the only character I've ever projected my dpdr onto. Idk, it fits him really well imo. Des' PTSD gives him uncontrollable fits of anger, Layton's makes him dissociate.

For those uninitiated:

[hella1975]

by pure evil accident taob zuko's current mental state is the exact same as the one ive been stuck in for the past few weeks and that's a bit funny to me. like i started writing this chapter months ago and knew what i was doing with it even longer ago and suddenly ive manifested it into reality. we are both facing the horrors rn

[bingobongobonko]

also again to ppl who know me and folks who dont anyway, i still like u regardless of if we're mutuals or not so, genuinely sorry it feels like this year i'm kinda more unhinged and unstable than usual. believe me i know, and idk. trying to put into words. it is getting easier to talk about mental health, i think roleplaying and writing again really has made that easier for me to communicate certain feelings and going ons in my head, i guess i just dont like people being in the crossfire. so if i ever say any crazy shit in the spur of any kind of breakdown anywhere, do know i WILL be fine, i often end up fine, i just again, way more unstable than usual and for that im super sorry. a lot of folks have been very kind about it, and it means a lot, i guess what im tryna say is that this might be by new norm for a bit and i bitterly accept this and do whatever i can. i just want to preface that no one is in any capacity to feel responsible for me. if i say something crazy DO assume im working it out and im trying to get it together, dont feel bad for me ykwim. just be like. Damn that guys losing his mind. sucks. because i PROMISE you ill be fine.

[nyapetaleijon]

shangque. you walked in on xiao lanhua choking out dongfang qingcang and now the moon supreme has no fucking clue whats happening ever and is running around with his skirts hiked up in his fists. you CANNOT be this stupid.

lanhua you just have to take the L i think. its not worth it to have to do dfqc's job lmao

[donuts4evry1]

I think it's very unfair that middle school students look older than me.

maybe something should change

[waffles-and-flapjacks]

sorry I'm so emotionally unstable lol

apparently it's a (c)ptsd thing :')

who knew being mentally ill gave you symptoms hah

[fangirl-in-a-blue-box]

2022 Recap (just to get my thoughts in order):

This year sucked.

That is the first thing that comes to mind when trying to recall what happened. The year began with my grandma dying. After already using my grandpa in 2021 and experiencing real grief for the first time, that was a great way to start the year and set the mood. My dad still had no job for most of the year which also didn't help the mood at home.

And to be honest I feel like my depression this year and the last was the worst it's ever been. It came to a head a few days go (shortly before christmas) when I told my mum during an argument that I seriously considered ending it (which I won't cause I won't do that to my family). I just don't really know what to do with my life and I feel like it is going nowhere. Which is why I the task of finally doing all my masters exams seems to be the biggest task I ever had to do. I know it will be exhausting and stressful but the really scary thing is: What will be next? I don't know what I want to do and I don't believe anyone would want me to work for them. I have zero social skills, terrible anxiety and no talents for anything.

But the fact is that I also want to move on. I turned 27 this year and I still live with my parents. I am single and have been for most of my life. And while I fear change, I also crave it.

And when I think about the year, not everything was bad. My dad got a new job finally. I experienced some fun days and made new friends. I had one of the most fun birthdays ever cause my twin sister and I went to our favorite theme park which was super empty and we had the best time. I was noticed by people and socialized with people who never noticed my before. My Gwendoline Christie obsession came back full force. I have two new tattoos. I finally realized I was bisexual and am coming to terms with that.

I sadly also feel like I am not attractive and try to come to terms with that especially trying not to compare myself to my more attractive friends and my sister. But I am instead having fun with clothes and make up. Getting more expressive in my sense of style to try and feel more confident.

So yes, the year sucked. But I am starting in the new year with a little bit of hope. I don't usually like new year's resolutions. But for the next year I want to finally finish my masters. And while I know that that will be stressful and my mental health will suffer probably even more than this year, there is something that I want to try.

I want to try to be happier.

I have realized that happiness is not a part of my life currently and when I started writing I only wanted to communicate that I hoped for happiness. But maybe it is not something to just hope for. Maybe I have to actively work for it. And I haven't done that. So I want to try to actively be happy. To find happiness through the people around me and the things I like to do. And maybe then I can find the strength to get through the next year and make it a better one.

[makuzume]

Genshin Men Reacting to Calling Yourself "Stupid" (insecure reader)

🔅characters: Cyno, Kaveh, Tighnari, Al Haitam

🔅content: gn! reader; comfort; Implied Relationship; Insecure reader uses humor as a coping mechanism for feeling 'stupid'; around 850 words per character

🔅a/n: From anon's request :))

[Genshin Impact Masterlist]

🔅Cyno🔅

Without a doubt cyno was one of the most acknowleged students of his batch. It was only natural for him to given that he now stood as the current General of the Mahamatra. But despite Cyno's high rank, his incredible fighting skills, and his intelligence, he was never one to rub it in on others' faces, and you admired him for it, but still, you sometimes couldn't help but feel just a little bit left behind.

There were times where you made jokes claiming how dense and stupid you were, to which Cyno would instantly turn his head towards you with a frown. "You are not stupid, y/n. It was just a mix-up, it's understandable" he would softly reply each time and you always brush it off with an akward chuckle right before he got a little too serious about it. But at some point, it started to not just become a mere comedic expression anymore to you.

Cyno would sometimes let you tag along to some of his meetings where they discuss the current cases they were investigating. You were always impressed by how quickly he manages to pick up certain details and predict the criminals' behavior even with little the evidence they possesed at the time.

He was also well learned in various areas beyond the scope a Mahamatra officer which enables him to connect the dots of each clue quickly. It looked like Cyno almost can always instantly come up with such complex strategies before you even finish blinking.

As you observed the meeting from the far end of the room, you couldn't help but sometimes try to play detective along with them, coming up with solutions and strategies of your own. But as you were listening to their discussion, they were already throwing out tactics on the table before you could even understand what was even the situation at hand to begin with. A lot of times it were ideas that you probably never would've been able to come up with yourself even if you had a hundred times the amount of time they had.

Doing this made you realize the gap between your intelligence, which made you shrink yourself at your seat as you quietly remained in the corner. You felt so dumb if you stood next to him, a joke. You felt like an embarassment.

After wrapping up the assembly, the two of you went out to have a meal at this new restaurant in the city. It had a foreign menu, and you kept inquiring the waiter about the meals because you didn't understand the unfamiliar terms being used to describe the dish. In the end, you just ordered whatever name sounded good- only to find out it was a dish you were allergic to. You ended up swapping meals with Cyno before you apologized, embarassed "Sorry... I hadn't realize what sort of food I ordered. That's what I get for being a little brainless huh?" He suddenly fell silent, his expression immediately saddened- his brows furrowed and his lips turned into a subtle frown as he looked at you with a softened gaze, but you were quick to change the topic into something lighter.

On the way home, you were casually talking about a book you recently read when Cyno suddenly but gently took your hand. He led the both of you to the side of the road where there were fewer people, away from the crowds.

He looked at you with a concerned expression "y/n... I couldn't help but notice how upset you looked since this afternoon... did something happen?" He spoke softly, giving you a moment to respond. 'So he noticed... I guess I really can't hide anything from him.' You thought to yourself and only shrugged it off with an akward chuckle, not wanting to worry him with such silly concerns.

"I wanted to ask you something... have you really just been joking whenever you would call yourself 'stupid' or anything similar..?"

Ah... he hit the nail exactly. In truth, you weren't surprised, you knew he was really smart to begin with.

Looking back at Cyno, you see him giving his full attention on you. There was no use trying to hide it now, you figured Cyno already knew the answer even before he asked that. Still, you didn't respond and looked down, your cheerful facade slowly begining to ceumble.

"y/n... You know that's not true." Carefully, he took both of your hands and placed them in his. "I'm always here to ease your troubles, no matter how little they may seem to you"

A part of him felt hurt that you saw yourself like that, Cyno felt somewhat responsible for not being able to make you feel reassured enough the previous times you 'joked' about those things before.

"...I'm... just an emotional mess, Cyno... I don't even make any sense most of the time." You said quietly with a chuckle as you looked down, a hint of sadness coating your voice. Cyno immediately responded "It doesn't have to make sense. I've never once found you foolish or idiotic in any way."

He released your hand. The next thing you knew, you felt his warm and gentle arms firmly wrap around you, embracing you over your arms and lovingly pulling you close to him as he caressed your back in small strokes.

"I'm not exactly sure what made you believe in such absurd ideas... and I don't know for certain yet what I could do to make you feel better.... but i want you to know i love you for exactly the way you are now, and that you are far from something as 'unintelligent'." Softly, he spoke to your ear as he continued to pet your back comfortingly. "We'll get through this together... I'll make sure you understand how untruthful these words are... it hurts me to see you feel this way towards yourself."

Tears began to form as you lightly sniffled, finally allowing yourself to lower your walls. Cyno pulled back slightly, his thumb gently brushing over your cheeks to wipe the small streams that were rolling down your face. Slowly, he planted a soft kiss on your forehead and looked at you with a gentle look "I always think of you with the highest regard, I hope you always remember that."

🔅Kaveh🔅

Honestly, Kaveh would assume it's HIM who's the 'stupider' one in your relationship

Kaveh often makes a lot of big, hasty decisions that are usually based off of his emotions, disregarding his rationality (which is a problem Alhaitham often told you when you first started dating him)

There's no denying the fact at how it's also so easy for him to become influenced or even manipulated by others, making a lot of wrong turns and questionable decisions.

"I don't know anything about the desert either, Kaveh. What do you expect from an idiot like me?" You would joke.

"Oh please, if one of us had to be the idiot, it would be me, without a doubt!" He would say with shamefully aware tone, raising both his hands as if it were the obvious.

You didn't believe him, of course. He was a brilliant architect, designing so many beautiful, and well loved structures such as the Palace of Alcazarzaray. Kaveh was even a big part of the renovations in Port Ormos, imrpoving the accessibility and practicality of certain areas- all the while making sure the aesthetics and durability were never compromised. How could a genunius such as himself ever become 'stupid', you wonder.

Over the course of a few more weeks, you kept making the same hurtful statements addressed to yourself to which Kaveh thought was just a mere joke (and Kaveh might have even been calling himself idiotic just as frequently as you did- possibly even more than you)

It was just another instance when you insulted yourself again did it suddenly click to him. "Ah, my bad. I didn't think about that. Thinking's a lot more dificult for someone as brainless as me"

Perhaps it was the way your tone sounded as you finished your sentence. The hitch of your voice and your low gaze suddenly made him come to the realization that it wasn't just a joke to you anymore.

It felt like a big slap to the face as he internally cursed himself for not realizing it sooner. 'How stupid could I be for not realizing that you felt this way???' He would think.

As he was looking back at all the times you had ever called youself something so foolosh, Kaveh slowly sat next to where you were sitting as his eyes had a worried but gentle look. He lightly stroke your back, trying to think of the right words to better reassure you, afraid to accidentally do any more harm.

He wanted to comfort you, to tell you that you're so much more than some 'idiot.'

"You are NOT stupid, let's get that clear..." Gently, he would say.

Kaveh thinks that you (and actually a lot of other people) were much better at rationalizing certain things he always failed to picture, always leading him into some heavy misfortune each time.

"Come on now.... If you think you're idiot, then I must be the king of the idiots, the BIGGEST idiot of them all!" He spoke comedically with a small smile on his face, his worried expression mildly seeping through his facade. His words felt genuine, that you weren't worth any less than you thought you did.

"...why don't we go out for a stroll? Go somewhere with a nice view and fresh air for a change of pace? Oh, we can get some treats on the way as well- maybe even have a picnic." You look at him, your expression softening. "Perfect for two so-called 'idiots' like us."

You couldn't help but smile back at him, lightly chuckling at his attempt to lighten your mood "I love you, you know that?"

🔅Tighnari🔅

Tighnari is incredibly smart, without a doubt. Ever since his days as an Amurta scholar, he had already been showing signs of great potential when it came to his intelligence, which is expected since he was heavily mentored under Professor Naphis, the current sage for Amurta.

His intelligence in understanding biology, the forest, and medicine always amazed you. Other than that, he's also very self assured, not letting any outside influences bring him any insecurities and doubt to his own capabilities, and you love that about him, but you sometimes wish that you could feel just as smart and reassured as him.

There were times you felt a bit embarassed to be his partner- you just felt like you were too 'dumb' for his own good, that he deserves someone just as equally promising and you were just... well... you. It was ridiculous, you know, but it was something you couldn't help but feel.

You were already making jokes that referred to your lack of capabilities but recently, your insecurities pushed it even further, making you joke about it whenever the moment allowed it, never missing an opportunity to attack yourself. "Hah, well I'm not the brightest person out there, so don't get you hopes up, Nari."

"I've studied mushrooms for years, y/n, no one could have also been able to remember all of them in just one night" Tighnari would only casually comment back towards you to reassure you, rummaging through his bag to get his notebook filled with notes and sketches dedicated to mushrooms. "Here, see? The one you found is slightly toxic, but it looks very similar to the one we were looking for, so you did a good job at somehow remembering how it looks."

You sat down on the grass, sighing heavily as you chuckled to yourself with a defeated voice "I'm too stupid for this task, it might have been better to take Collei, I'm sure she'd do a much better job than me. I'm just some idiot"

Tighnari puts down his bag to the side and sits next to you, using this time for the both of you to take a break from walking around the forest all morning "Collei had weeks to study the different classifications of mushrooms- you had one night. It's only natural that she would remember more than you." He said gently, a sigh leaving his lips.

The both of you remained silent for a while as you watched the forest peacefully, the gentle sounds of nature creating a relaxing moment for the two of you, somewhat calming down your built up frustrations woth yourself.

After some time, Tighnari spoke up with a soft tone "...Can we talk?" You look at him, curious where the conversation may lead you.

"I've noticed you've been acting strangely these past few days, and I've picked up some behavioral patterns you've been doing recently."

Tighnari slightly faced your direction as he saw your mildly confused expression, his voice slightly turning a bit more serious. "I've noticed you've been calling yourself such negative terms as of late... is that how you've been feeling about yourself recently?"

You fell silent, looking only at the dirt in front of your feet.

"y/n, won't you tell me what's really been going on..?"

Tighnari knew that you weren't as 'incapable' as you believed to be, but it still made him feel upset that you saw yourself that way. You're already an amazing person and an incredible partner, he didn't see how you could ever imagine yourself to be anything less than that.

Though he did understand that it was perhaps some floating insecurities you had at the back of your head, you probably weren't even fully conscious about it until now. Your 'jokes' must have been a means for some coping mechanism in defense of those insecurities, it's just a shame you didn't view them to be merely as a joke anymore.

No matter how much you hated being so called 'useless' and 'idiotic' it was still a feeling you couldn't get rid of, that it was too tied with you, a feeling you deserved.

"I never viewed you as someone incapable. You're actually much more than you make yourself believe to be." Calmly, but confidently, he spoke, which made you look at him with a slightly confused expression, uncertain how Tighnari could look so sure. Still, you sought answers, and asked him "...How?"

His expression softened slightly as his brows furrowed, just a bit. The muscles on his face slightly tugging at his lips to form a gentle smile. "You have a deep understanding of emotions, especially towards others. You are able to understand the depth of someone's feeling just by listening to them, and I think that's something to worth being proud of."

He was smart, waaay smarter than you, you believe. You're not sure if something as having emphaty would make the cut, especially since you don't think you're as adept at controlling your feelings either.

"You can feel way more complex emotions then I ever could, regardless if you can manage them or not." Tighnari scootches closer to you "I know what you're thinking. Yes, I may have graduated from the Akademiya, but that absolutely has nothing to do with your own capabilities" shaking his head gently, he spoke.

"We have a lot of our other friends who have their own things they are good at, yes? Nilou, Dehya, Candace... they're not from the Akademiya, but you wouldn't call them less than capable, won't you?" Looking down, you nodded in agreement.

"And I'm sure they would think the same for you as well, y/n. What you're feeling right now is just a bit of doubt, and that's what's been holding you back, but just know that it isn't true. You're just as capable as the rest of us. I can vouche for that." Tighnari softly said with a small smile, his hand carefully reaching for your hand and caressing it gently.

"And I'll always be here beside you yo make sure you understand that."

🔅Alhaitam🔅

At first Alhaitam didn't say anything, thinking it was mostly out of frustration whenever you would say things like "Argh! I'm such an idiot" each time you made a minor mistake or had trouble understanding a particularly difficult text you were reading, so he didn't find it as anything alarming to be too serious.

But as time passed on, he started to pick up that you were actually starting to believe what you were actually saying, making yourself think that you truly were 'stupid.' When he brought it up, you were dismissive and shrugged it off with a smile which he knew was fake, so he figured a different approach should be done.

One day, Alhaitam was piled with some work in the Akademiya and asked for your help in making some agricultural research paper that was needed to be done.

"Although I'd love to help... I don't think I'd be smart enough to do a good enough job for something so complicated as a research paper... You know me, I can't come up with anything actually useful with this small brain of mine" You tell him comically, secretly afraid of the idea of both you and Alhaitam looking at your work and feeling disappointed at the finished output.

"You haven't even started yet, give it a try first before you underestimate yourself. I'll give you a hand when you need me with anything. If you think it's too overwlemhing, then you can just leave it."

He knew you would take it, to be honest. He rarely asked you for any help (of course besides the smaller favors such as picking up some ingredients for tonights dinner on your way home). It was always Alhaitham who always seemed to have been doing you most major favors, he suspected you'd accept his request at times he needed it (and he was right).

Though it was a big responsibility- One you were afraid to disappoint him with. But a small part of you felt glad that he put such trust in you to believe that you could even complete an entire paper all on your own, as if he trusted that you were capable enough to accomplish it. So with that, you accepted it.

Day and night, you worked extra hard, spending most of your time reading through dozens and dozens of books and other related research papers to gain more background and knowledge on the topic.

Perhaps your fear to let Alhaitam down made you over exert yourself, trying to perfect the paper's content, esepcially on making the research's suggested solutions were actually useful and applicable. Hopefully, this impresses impress him, you thought (even just a little bit)

You didn't even approach him the entire 7 weeks you were working on it, not wanting to bother him.... and maybe believing that your querries were for 'simple-minded' individuals that shouldn't have even been a question in the first place. Alhaitam also didn't ask much about your progress either, letting you go at your own pace without pressure until you finished in case it would overwhelm you too much. Though even if he would've went to check on you, make sure you eating well, and even encourage you a little, it was hard for him to find your exact whereabouts most of the time. But when he does find you in your home, he sees a 'do not disturb' sign hanging on the door, so, he instead leaves some snacks and cooling patches by the entrance of your house instead.

Surprisingly, after revising and re-reading it the final draft of the paper countless of times, you actually felt quite proud once you were finished. A warm feeling and sense of achievement brought a smile to your face as you handed him the paper, feeling a mix of excitement and nervousness.

As he skims through each page thoroughly, you felt your whole body was tense as you held your breath. He reaches the final page and says "Good job. It has a lot of great points that the Akademiya could actually use." Which brought an overwhelming amount of relief to you. He did give a few honest comments such as some minor revisions here and there, but nothing too critical.

Alhaitam couldn't help but smile (just a tiny bit) as he saw you relax and finally breathe out in relief, smiling to yourself. He was hoping this experience would make you believe more in yourself and your capabilities: To find a way to make you feel like you actually are smarter than you give credit for. You just needed the opportunity to prove it with yourself.

"Great work. I'm proud of you." Alhaitham said with a soft smile.

[Back to Genshin Masterlist] [Overall Masterlist]

a/n: aaaaaa can't believe I was in a never ending editing cycle with this one after weeks :') Might need some revisions but still- I'm so relieved this is out T0T also glad I was still able to write even though I am sickly in pain by 1000% hoping anon sees this huhu

Credits to @makuzume on Tumblr || Do not steal, translate, modify, reupload my works on any platform.

[schtrawberry]

personal astrology observations

[!] this is mostly an introspective view into my chart; in no way, shape, or form am i saying that any of this is fact or set in stone, nor am i saying that i am a professional astrologer. these are just presences that exist within my chart that i've felt manifest themselves in real life. simply put, take what resonates and leave what doesn't :)

— sun in hard aspect to neptune can indicate having an (extremely) clouded view of oneself to the point of there being a huge gap in the way they think they're presenting themselves to the world to how they're actually perceived and viewed by other people.

[i have this aspect in square and i've noticed that people perceive me as more than i truly am (more financially-abundant, skilled, smarter than i actually am, etc.) and just make incorrect assumptions about my personality and who i am, in general. i feel that this might be due to the clouded nature of neptune versus the outward nature of the sun which has led to a social manifestation of the unclearness of my inner self and the way i display myself to the world, if that makes sense.]

═ another thing, i don't think people talk enough about how strongly neptune manifests itself in this placement, even among individuals with very little neptunian energy in their charts. daydreaming and just being not fully there plays a large part in who i am, and not even in a cute dumb blonde kinda way, more in an absentminded, head-in-the-clouds kinda way.

☰ sun in the tenth house 🤝🏽 being/wanting to be on a reality tv show!

[i swear as someone w this placement, i often find myself genuinely feeling like yes, if given the chance to do love island/too hot to handle/twenty-somethings/the bachelor— i 100% would.]

☱ mercury in hard aspect to neptune can indicate having a beautiful way w words but also not being able to explain things clearly?? can also manifest itself in just literally being difficult to understand at times, either due to the volume of their voice, way of speaking, or choice of words.

☲ moon opposition mars can exhibit deep emotional turmoil and not being able to handle one's emotions in a calm manner. i find that this manifests itself in the occasional emotional outburst (whether it's more crying or anger or both probably depends on both the moon and mars sign) but yeah— turmoil.

[i have personally experienced multiple events throughout my life where i've gone through public (embarassing, ik) emotional outbursts during stressful situations. luckily, my moon is in cancer so i'm more just a ball of tears, but this has been something that i'm still struggling to control, even as a twenty-one yr old]

☴ having a heavily-aspected chiron (multiple major aspects to personal planets, asc, and mc) and feeling rejected by your family and peers. chiron is the asteroid of wounds, hence a heavy presence in one's chart can indicate multiple emotional wounds involving one's parents, the same/opposite gender, along with inner and outer turmoil.

[tw: mention of suicidal thoughts i have chiron aspecting my sun, moon, venus, mars, and mc (most of them being hard aspects), and have felt suicidal for most of my life. i've never really fit in anywhere and have always been at odds with both the masculine and feminine energies in my life. if you have this placement as well, i genuinely hope you're doing well bc this energy is hard to cope w sometimes.]

[`] film: 千禧曼波 millenium mambo (2001) dir. hou hsiao hsien

next

[skelesunderthetale]

How about what they would do on a date? Like activities and stuff like that

What they would like to do with you

Characters: Blue, Dream, Nightmare, Killer, Dust, Goth

💞

Underswap (Blue) Blue would love to share his passion for sports and exercise with you! Going on a walk, at the gym, at the beach to play some volleyball and then cool off by getting in the water… Not only are they good habits, but also they are some things that he likes and wants you to enjoy just as much. If you aren’t used to sporty activities, if you had bad experiences, it’s okay! If you are willing to try stuff out, he’ll be empathetic of your experiences and make sure to be attentive and guiding. If you aren’t ready and prefer to stay in, he’s also fine with watching action movies, comedies, or even cheesy romance with you. At least he can cuddle with his favorite person meanwhile! Dreamtale (Dream) Dream doesn’t have much time on his hands, it’s obvious. When he has enough time, and when he can actually put all his attention on you, he likes to either stay inside your home to fully relax together, do some puzzles, cross stitch, read, or even watch documentaries. He only likes TV when it makes people learn things, good luck making him watch reality shows (he’s old). If you actually want him to take you out, he’d propose a nice dinner somewhere calm and cozy, or go on a walk in a special garden place. Dreamtale (Nightmare) Nightmare being himself, he hates going out during the day, or at least when it’s sickeningly sunny and pretty. He likes foggy weather, when it’s dark, and when you can look up and see the clouds almost hiding the moon. Speaking of the moon, that’s probably one of the calmest activities you can do with him: star gazing. If you are sleeping, he would bother waking you up so you guys can watch the sky together through the big window of your bedroom. Honorable mention to: reading! He’s an old soul (if he still really has one?) and can give you easily any definition you need if you have a hard time reading some of the classics he has in his bookshelves (you saw one that dated from… like… 1798…)

Something New (Killer) Killer loves cats. His hobby is to bring a new cat everytime he comes back from a mission at this point… So to cope with his lack of time that he can spend with you, he simply makes you take care of them with him. Feed them, make sure they are okay, pet them and play with them until they are all sleeping from exhaustion. If you are allergic… Well, he’ll have to think really hard to think about something else to do with you… Actually, he has a very enjoyable sport in mind :) He’s kidding! Unless…

Dusttale (Dust) Dust is a homebody, it takes him an enormous amount of willpower to actually get out of bed each morning to do whatever jobs he needs to finish before sunset. He loves you though, and his brother wants him to do what he can to make you happy. Thank his hallucinations, because they are probably the reason why you didn’t die during your first encounter… If you want to chill at home, well good for him! I mean… you guys! He’s not really doing anything though, he’s kind of just watching you do things. Will it be drawing, dancing, singing, watching a show or video, he’s silently watching. No judgment behind those eyes though, so don’t feel silly or embarassed. If you want to go out, well he just hopes it’s not somewhere like a festival or anything.

Goth (JessyDS comic version) Goth is funny to be around, and like his name can lead to think… he’s goth, and metal, and likes anything that sounds a bit louder than usual. He’s edgy, and it shows. If he was rich, he’d buy you guys tickets to every concert of bands he likes that isn’t a 10 hour drive away. And merch! IT’S EXPENSIVE. The number of times you saw him beg his dad for 10$ then beg his other dad for 100$ (Reaper understands his passion a bit more than Geno does…) When you go to a concert, it’s loud, people stink, the lights blind you, but it’s fine: at least you can feel his wings brushing your back. --- Author note : Im not a poser, and also comments are very welcome! Requests too! I love interacting with the community

[bonefall]

Since the ask box commands to vote Bumble in that tourament (which I did, cuz she was SCREWED over to the extreme) could you talk a whole lot about BB!Bumble's dyspraxia? Since we are talking about the *everything in canon* she got for the High Crime of being a fat foreigner woman and abuse victm in warrior cats, let's talk about the universe where we add disabled to her list of High Crimes but she isnt done dirty as balls(sorry if all this is worded weird)

Plus, I'm personally having issues writing a dyspraxic character (mostly because i kinda suck at absorbing information about things like disability when not using characters as exemples) and you've really helped me in the past with making characters with BPD, so it would be personally useful in character making

(Sorry if I'm rude, I deeply respect your work and it greatly inspires me, especially Clanmew)

All righty! BB!Bumble's dyspraxia!

First off, for newcomers;

WHY I ADDED DYSPRAXIA TO BUMBLE

In canon, Bumble is called a fat, useless kittypet, before being dragged back to her domestic abuser. She then dies while trying to survive on her own, starved to the point of emaciation before Clear Sky murders her.

A very common fandom response to this is essentially, "shes NOT useless! She could hunt/fight if you taught her!" And a lot of AUs will have her survive, learning how to be Truly Useful with all the same skills as everyone else.

I won't lie; I think that's very disappointing.

You're not refuting the rotten heart of this ideology, you're just doing what DOTC already does with Jagged Peak. You're AGREEING. You're saying she WOULD be useless if she couldn't hunt or fight like a wild cat, giving her Coolgirl Badass moments to haha embarass her bigots, and Actually the only problem here is that they didn't give her a chance.

What if they GAVE her that chance, and she COULDN'T hunt or fight like them? Would it be okay to send the battered housewife back to her domestic abuser? Hopefully fucking not!

Let's be frank; None of the groups in DOTC are starving. Not even after the prey sickness pandemic.

"Starvation Rhetoric" is an excuse, only ever rolled out by monsters like Clear Sky as justification for stealing land, murder, and throwing out cats the groups deem unworthy of life.

Yet, this gets rolled out for Bumble specifically, by the MOOR CATS, who are supposed to be opposing his ideology.

And that's where I'm starting from.

Okay. What if she couldn't perform physically like other cats?

What if she was part of a group that DID have real concerns about not having enough food?

How does Bumble herself cope with her feelings, and her desire to help her friends and contribute to a group that loves her?

Let's go through all that, and attack the heart of the idea. In fact, we're going to be doing a lot of it, with a significant portion of early ThunderClan being disabled cats.

(Thunder Storm has three legs. Bright Storm has asthma. Sunlit Frost loses the use of both front paws and ends up with chronic pain.)

Bumble's Dyspraxia

The first thing to know about dyspraxia (or DCD, Developmental Coordination Disorder) is that it comes in a LOT of different forms. The next thing to know is that it's RIDICULOUSLY common. Some estimates say 5% of the population has it-- 1 in 20 people.

It's heavily associated with autism and ADHD. The "classic" symptoms are general clumsiness and motor control issues, like having a hard time tying shoes. But these are also symptoms of dyspraxia;

Short-term memory issues, but not long-term

Being constantly covered in bumps and bruises

Having a hard time telling lefts and rights

Difficulties holding pencils or writing in general

"Wobbliness" including tripping mid-step or tripping over your own feet

Issues in the acquisition of "muscle memories," being slow to acquire physical skills.

Stuttering and taking long pauses before responding to someone else speaking

Most dyspraxics won't have all of these, these are symptoms. Not a checklist.

My partner describes theirs as like "constantly working with cold hands through a layer of gloves." The stiffness of being in a freezer, paired with the general delay of having a cover over your skin.

Mine is more focused on the mental side, acquiring new skills is unnaturally difficult, my reaction time is delayed, and I stumble into things.

Every person with dyspraxia is different, but what links us is that we're uncoordinated. We can't help it, telling us to try harder or pay more attention doesn't work. We aren't being careless-- our brains don't send signals to our bodies properly.

I'm basing Bumble's off my own. Her mate, Turtle Heart, shows her over and over how to hunt. It never sticks. She tries to pick up battle moves from Thunder Storm to help defend herself from Clear Sky's goons. It doesn't work.

She's really trying, she really is. The Moor group quickly loses patience with her, and Bumble is well aware that she's only tolerated on Turtle Heart's vouch. Her worst fears come true when Tom steals their children, and her mate is killed trying to retreive them.

That messes with her, and makes her believe that she really is worthless and a burden.

ThunderClan was FOUNDED on Thunder Storm's fury, breaking off his supporters to retreive her from exile, and Bumble's struggle with self-worth begins in earnest.

There's one thing she's confident about, and really loves. Bumble is trilingual, outgoing, and confident in her ability to talk to others. That's what she can add, and what she wants to do.

ThunderClan is different. It works with every strength and weakness of its members, and values diplomacy to keep it afloat against the odds. Bumble really is needed, but eventually even her translation work becomes less special as more kits grow up bilingual. Eventually, this too feels taken from her.

And then it's back to square one. Her mate is gone, one of her kits betrayed her, Owl Eyes is a big strong man who doesn't need his mum anymore. She's left with her fumbling paws, taking more from the pile than she puts in.

One can only hope she realizes that ThunderClan was born out of love for her. That it was never about what she could add. She didn't have to confront it in the main story because so much was happening, but as peace settles over the forest, it's time for her to start to unpack that idea.

[things-that-weevils-do]

ive been turning these 2 around in my mind so so much lately... id like to share why i like them, so ill do so under cut :)

what draws them together? both of their traumas are part of them. neither of them are going to 'get better' in the expected way. they can learn to cope with their struggles, possibly get medications to help with that, but that's it. theyre similar in many things ('their trauma isnt leaving', both are suicidal "feeling suicidal/i wish i wasnt alive" "i should actually just die id be doing everyone a favor LOL"), neither like who they are as people "all the pretty girls make me not wanna be me" "do u know what thats like? being someone you wouldnt want to know?") and both of their songs are about their relationships with other people, even if its not the main theme

weevildoing said this about disposable girl. with chemical girl, its more obvious

this gives them both a deeper understanding of each other !! even though their traumas are still different, theyve got this similarity. they could talk about that, relate to each other, etc...

another thing that draws them together: their interests, id say! she was a skater girl she was a fitness girl, can i make it any more obvious... most of their hobbies arent the exact same, but they are at least in a similar vein id say - anime and gundam, skating and fitness, rap and megan thee stallion. they could easily enjoy each other's interest, i think!:)

what stands in the way? misunderstanding and miscommunication. i think that (when theyre first getting to know each other, at least) disposable wouldnt stand up for herself/tell chemical when shes uncomfortable/when chemical says something that upsets her ("being mistreated would at least mean im real" "that at least means youre someone that they wanna be around"). she'd feel like voicing these things would cost her her and chemical's relationship. i also feel like she wouldnt see this as something worth communicating, possibly

thatd be a problem in all relationships ofc, but itd upset chemical girl especially. she has a hard time forming relationships ("i wouldnt want to be around me either. do u know what thats like? being someone you wouldnt want to know?"). she pushes others away so that she cant hurt them ("theres no point in getting close, leave me alone"). i think that if she and disposable got close, and she found out that it isnt communicating its feelings, shed be upset !! yknow ?? thinking that youve finally found a friend that likes you as you are, when in reality ur just hurting them with everything that you say... getting close to someone for the first time in forever, opening up, just to find that out would probs frustrate her

have an example of smth that i think that would happen when theyre first getting to know each other

i think they'd communicate this eventually tho:) yay yippee! im communication and im understanding🏳️‍🌈the girlfriends

what are their good traits? they want to be there for each other, to help each other grow, to understand one another!! like in "what draws them together?", they understand each other more than the average person. they could help each other accept this - like, its easier to accept people for things that you beat yourself up about, yknow? were more strict with ourselves than other people, its easier to deem someone else as deserving of love than yourself, etc etc... since theyre similar in many things, they could learn to love themselves while they start to love each other !! i hope that makes sense..

them sharing hobbies would be SOOO so cute!!! chemical teaching disposable fitness so that she has an outlet for her frustration, disposable teaching chemical how to skate... chemical showing it gundam, her figurine collection, disposable showing her anime, them listening to rap together.... it would be so cute !!!!! i think disposable would enjoy fitness, but would be embarassed by being bad at it/being slow/sweating a lot/etc. chemical would be cheering her on, proud of her for the smallest improvements... likewise, i think chemical would suck at skating. steps on the skateboard and it explodes. u know how it is

what makes them hopeless at romance? ARGHHH "what to do, when everybody that ive loved has only up and left me?" "im alwasy left out of everything" "nobody fuckinf wants me" vs "theres no point in getting close, leave me alone" "i dont think you should come by my place tonight" "nobody can keep up with me"... need i say more...

i think they should latch onto each other like leeches and never let go

thank you if youve read this far:) theyre so everything to me !!!! theyre sooo... god... shaking them!!!! arghrrrr!!! chemwaste!!! save me chemwaste!!!

(both of these poses are from mellon_soup)

[thatpuppyboything]

[Part 1]

You've been my therapist for a few months now. As I got to trust you more, I started to talk in depth about my sexual traumas.

You've seen how vulnerable it made me feel to talk about it. You've been feeding of the details I gave you, how it happened, where, with who, and slowly you made a plan for how you were going to use it to your advantage.

At the beginning of one of our session, you ask me how all these traumatic experiences impact my sex life.

I tell you that I dissociate a lot during the act, that I feel out of my body.

“Do you ever touch yourself ?” You ask.

I look at you surprised and blush, nodding slowly.

“What do you think about when you masturbate ? What are the pictures that comes to your mind ?”

You see how I shift in my seat, how I become increasingly uneasy. You sweeten your voice and say, reassuringly:

“Don't worry, I ask that to help you. You can be honest with me, I won't judge.”

I stuttered and finally answer:

“You know, it's weird, sometimes I see myself going back to… these times… Like it turns me on.”

You smile. With a nod, you say:

“It's a fairly common reaction. It doesn't mean anything. It's a way of coping with these events.”

You look into my eyes, still smiling, and after a brief pause, you tell me:

“I want us to do a little exercise now. Tell me what turns you on in these experiences. Think of it as a positive reinforcement method.”

I blush more, my face burning hot. I feel so ashamed of this but I trust you, surely you ask me that to help me with healing from my traumas, right ?

“I-I don’t know… It’s the feeling of being posessed, the helplessness, it’s kind of… You know… If done in the right setting it can feel very good to just let go… Give up… And be used, in a way ? Gosh I can’t it’s so embarassing. Can we drop this ?”

I try to compose myself and hide my heavy breathing, but I’m bright red and a bit sweaty and look like I’m about to melt.

You say:

“That’s okay. How do you feel right now ?”

I swallow.

“I feel… Well, I’m a bit… Worked up, but I guess that’s normal because that’s not something you say to people and stuff… It’s weird…”

You smile at me.

“No, no, that’s not weird. As I said, that’s normal, that’s natural. Do not feel ashamed of that.”

Your smile disappear and it seems like you are choosing your words carefully.

“You know… I think that’s something you should explore, in a safe setting, it can really do wonders. A lot of people tend to reenact these traumatic experiences to take their power back, and to transform this memory of pain into pleasure. Maybe it’s something you could do ? Just like you touch yourself thinking about it ?”

I squeeze my legs together. I feel my cunt pulsating with everyword you say and my clit is erected and sensitive. It’s so hard not to pant. I look at you, handsome, so reassuring, so… safe ? But I know that’s a wrong thing to think about, you are my therapist, we have a client/professionnal relationship. Surely it would be a really bad idea.

[softxsuki]

hi!! id like to make an urgent request please :)

tw !! mention of self harm / new sh wounds , mention of a blade

if you’re alright with it, id like to request a (romantic) hawks x gn!reader where hawks walks in on reader relapsing.

ive recently grown more and more stressed and tired lately, like my energy is constantly being drained and no matter how hard i try im not enough to stop it. and i wanna reach out for help cause i know i have friends who care about me but i just cant for some reason—i dont feel the need to ask for help cause i just dont think i deserve it. no matter how many times ill comfort others i was never strong enough to ask for the same comfort, and instead of going to someone and talking about it i turn to my blade.

hawks is a big comfort character of mine and my current hyperfix, and as embarassing as it is—reading comfort fanfics of him is a way of coping with it all. so id gladly appreciate if you could write this for me :) ++ if possible, id love if youd be able to include hawks cleaning reader’s cuts, cleaning them bringd me a sense of comfort and id love to see that in the fic.

but if you’re uncomfy about anything at all, no worries ! you dont have to write this if you dont wanna :) have a lovely day<3

Hawks Comforting Reader After They Self-Harm

please do not read if any kind of mentions of self-harm will do you more harm than good!

Pairing: Hawks x Gn!reader

Warnings: mentions of self harm, blade, blood, scars

Genre: Comfort

Post-Type: Drabble

Word Count: 750

Summary: In which your BF Hawks catches you self harming and cleans up your fresh cuts

[A/N: Hey hey, so sorry for taking so long to write this, I know it was urgent. I just happened to get sick randomly and couldn't focus to write. But I finally got this done for you! I hope you're still around to read it </3. Hopefully it provides you with some comfort. Always go to others for help before taking matters into your own hands. Even if you feel like you can't, I'm sure the people in your life would love to help you out <3 I'm here too if you ever need anything! Enjoy!]

You look back and forth between the bloody mess in front of you to the panicked face of Keigo who had walked in on you. 

He was supposed to be gone for the whole day, patrolling his designated area until later that evening. Who knew he’d stop by to check in on you, hoping to have lunch together before continuing his patrol duties. Yet, coming home to you hovering over the bathroom sink with blood dripping from your delicate skin was not what he expected at all.

Of course he knew about your history with self-harm and could very clearly see all your past scars on your body, but he never expected to see you actively harm yourself in front of him. 

“Y/N…” He starts cautiously, eyeing the blade in your hands as you shake with regret.

“I’m sorry,” you cry, dropping the blade in the sink and moving your bleeding wrists away from his view, but he quickly closes the space between you.

Gentle hands grab your own and inspect the damage done. He rolls up the sleeves of his hero suit and gets to work on cleaning you up. With a clean towel he dabs the blood away, applying slight pressure to help stop the bleeding a little, whispering an apology whenever you flinch from the pain. 

He’s silent; contemplating how he let it get this far. He was a hero for crying out loud and the one person he wanted to keep safe the most out of everyone else in the world, managed to get harmed while he was away. He was angry and frustrated at himself that he couldn’t prevent the fresh cuts on your arms. All those nights he kissed your scars and whispered sweet promises of love and protection were all for nothing. Why couldn’t he be more useful to you?

“Keigo, I didn’t mea-” you start, but he quickly cuts you off as he finishes applying the bandage wrap to your wrist.

“I’m sorry. This isn’t your fault, it’s mine. I should have known something was off, I should have paid more attention and been around to help instead of being out. I’m sorry.”

He presses kisses to your bandaged wrist, just wishing that he could have the magical healing power that Recovery Girl’s kisses had. He wished he could kiss all your pain away and face it all himself in your stead. 

“No, no, this is all on me. You’re always there for me, telling me how much you love me and trying your best to encourage me and lift me up, but I always hold back,” you confess, snatching your arms away from him in guilt, “You’re so busy as it is saving everyone. I don’t want to add to your burdens with my own problems as well. I thought I could deal with it all alone, but I failed. I turned back to my blade because it was too much to bear on my own.”

He sighs, and this time brings you into his arms in an embrace, “That’s because we’re not meant to go through these things alone, babe. Even as a hero I don’t do things on my own either. I have a whole agency backing me up along with my other fellow heroes. No one can accomplish anything on their own without hurting themselves. So please let me be there for you to help you as much as you’ve helped me.”

Silent sobs escape your lips as he continues to hold you and speak.

“All those days when you held me after I failed to save someone. All those nights you patched me up after a mission and I stubbornly refused to go to a hospital; let me be there for you for all your tough times as well. Let me be the one to gather you up again and listen to all your worries, don’t fight your battles alone anymore. I promise you’re not a bother to me at all. I want to be there for you. It’s my job,” he reassures you. 

“All right,” you sniffle, finally wrapping your own arms around him, accepting his comfort.

He calls the agency afterwards, letting them know that he can’t come in for the rest of the day and instead spends his time with you. Listening intently to everything that’s been bubbling up in your heart, right by your side, wiping your tears away and giving you his unconditional support and love. He’s definitely making sure you don’t deal with things on your own anymore :)

REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

Posted 3/5/2023

[honeymvnt]

Deadly Nightshade [18+]

Vincent Collateral !femxreader¡

Words count: 3.5k

Warnings: intense smut, edging and more

A/N: Being married to Vincent isn’t always easy, especially because of his job and sometimes he needs to put you back in place…

"Are you alright?" You nodded and murmured a quiet yes through the phone, a lie to be precise, as you looked down at your nails before your eyes could notice how quickly the lights of the city spread down the roads, againts the tall buildings, reflecting on the beach and through the soft clouds.

You parted your lips to say something more but the view was able to take your breath away while yout thoughts kept bouncing between your mind and your heart. You even thought about saying the truth once forever but something was stopping you; fear or embarassment you couldn't tell, maybe both or maybe neither. It was was contradictory even for you and right when you decided to say something a noise behind his phone made you think that it was already time to let him go again, and in fact it was.

"I really have to go hun, sleep tight okay?" Vincent said before you mumbled a simple, dry yes and closed the call.

God how much you hated this. You simply hated it. Before you married him, before you knew about his real job everything was perfect. He was home with you, taking care of you, being with you most of the times as a good husband would do and you were happy; you finally could use this word and mean it. You were happy he was in your life, by your side, supporting you in every choice you made yet things got worse after a while.

You'd wake up in the middle of the night, looking for him next to you but he wasn't there. You'd look around the vast attic you two were living in but he wasn't anywhere to be found. You'd call him several times and his phone was always on the bedside table, ringing through the night.

You'd go back to sleep and cry until your mind was too tired to let you suffer and he was next to you in the morning as if nothing happened and you haven't noticed.

Vincent knew that you'd eventually find out about it or at least question him about it but you didn't for a very long time. And so It happened once, twice... for weeks, before you found the guts to face him about it. You waited for him with tears in your eyes, biting on your nails, roaming through the house, trying to change your mind and ignore it, thinking the worst things you could but never what he confessed.

He had told you what he did, what he was doing and what he had to do to afford what you had, to keep his name clean but especially, keep you safe and obviously you didn't plan to leave him, not for something like this, at least not soon.

You had thought he was cheating on you at first but he immediately explained that his sudden disappearances were exclusively because of his job that was still vague to you, confusing and upsetting to you but in a way or in another you were glad it wasn't what you feared and that he was honest to you since the first day you met him.

Vincent was good to you, unlike how he was to everyone else. He was cold, detached from any kind of sympathy or sensitivity but with you, with you he was himself for who he was.

Whenever he was away, since that day, he'd send you the most precious gifts, to cope with his absence and make you feel loved, somehow. He bought you really expensive clothes, diamonds and pratically all the things that a young lady would dream about but that can never reach even in their deepest thoughts. Yet there you were, receiving flowers and sweets from your husband over and over again like a routine.

It was wonderful, you couldn't complain about it, you wouldn't dare to complain but you didn't care about any of it. All you wanted was to spend time with him again, as you used to do and you wanted him.

Vincent, still aware of how much he risked when he told you his real job, had told you not worry about him and he had severely told you not to call him if you were not in danger and of course you wouldn't have dared to play with it, use it for situations where his help was not needed yet, his constant absence and the amount of things he was giving you to cope with the loneliness made you want to test him, see how far he could go.

And so, one day you took that goddamn phone, scrolled until his contact and presseed it without hesitation. The beeping sound was tickling into your mind and the hesitancy started to kick in when you finally put your thoughts together again.

Hands shaking, regret rising up from your toes when you waited for his voice to break the loud silence that was crawling to you and yes, you were scared of course, scared of what he could've done if he knew that nothing happened, that you were safe and while you submerged yourself in your own thoughts you heard his voice through the phone, more worried than he has ever been before. You swallowed hard, walking down the hallway as you listened.

"Darling what's wrong? What happened? Are you okay?"

You swallowed hard again, both regretting it but wanting to keep going.

"No, you need to come here now" and with this you suddenly closed the call and nervously moved your hands through your hair, trying to come up with an excuse, an explanation, a valid one though to let him know that you just wanted to spend time with him. 

You felt selfish and even embarassed to admit that you would've done everything possible to keep him with you, just a little longer, and the more you thought about it the more you realized how insane you actually sounded and he would've said the same exact words to you if he knew, if he knew. You didn't have much time to think nor to put your thoughts together again and manage to fin an excuse; within a few more minutes, while your body leaned agaist the wall of your bedroom and your hands held the phone against your chest, he shot the door open, holding his gun straight in front of him. Arms tight, muscles tensed as he slowly looked around and you appeared from the corner of the hallway. His gun quickly followed you but moved away when he caught your familiar figure.

Your eyes opened in shock but when he approached you, a shaky sigh of relief made your eyes flutter shut and he hugged you against his chest.

"What happened?" He whispered you while his eyes carefully studied the room again, ready to pull out his gun and shoot if needed.

"What happened darling?" He asked again, stroking your back lovingly before he pulled away to look at you in the eyes and catch that slight doubt that was roaming through your mind since weeks now, if not months.

You could tell he was worried and also in a hurry as he kept repeating the same question over and over again as you could manage to lie all suddenly but you didn't want to distort your thoughts and make him believe that everything was fine when it wasn't, not to him, not for this.

"Nothing" you whispered back looking at his lips and then slowly into his eyes as they quickly narrowed to catch your answer properly.

"Nothing?" Vincent asked again, his tone changing slightly, more urgent this time. "Nothing? What do you mean nothing?" He tilted his head when your eyes left his and moved to the floor besides him, ashamed of what you've done.

"Answer me goddamn it" you froze and blinked in disbelief at his sudden change of approach and your mouth dried when his voice raised against you.

"Nothing happened"

"Then why did you call me?"

Tears formed in your eyes when you felt your heart sink deeper, as if his care was only related to your physical safety.

"Because I want you Vincent, fuck" you moved away from him to ignore how upset he was but his eyes were still penetrating into you even if you weren't looking at him.

"And I'm here, what happened?"

You didn't reply but you knew that Vincent hated your silence, he hated when you didn't communicate clearly and it was getting too frequent now, too repetitive amd irritating for him to bear. His hand grabbed your arm and he quckly spun you around so you had no other choice but look into his eyes with your own filled with tears ready to burst out like never before.

"Answer me"

"No, you are not here. Don't you get it?"

"What do you mean I am not here?" He tilted his head again and tried to reach for you before his lips pressed together, to hold back much more of just that question, but you dramatically moved away again. 

"I am tired of all of this" you shouted back until hefinally grabbed your arm.

"I am tired of you treating me as if I was a doll, a something to protect and surround with this stuff" you continued, taking a step backwards.

"They don't replace you, they don't fucking replace you." You breathed out. "Just show me that you care Vincent, like you used to do. Not by being away like this, all the fucking time."

He didn't reply but his eyes followed your every move.

"Do you even care at all?"

Still no answer as he stood there in front of you. Lips pressed together, jaw clenching and an irresistible sensation of just leaving him there right now as his silence started to get too loud for you.

"You don't even realize what you're saying right now" Vincent said through his teeth as his lips quivered with rage at the way you wre behaving. You knew he was going to say this.

"You don't even realize how much I risked marrying you... how much I risk every day to keep you safe and out of my job" he stared at you dead in the eyes as his words turned into knives, penetrating you with such force that your breath was struggling to come out. You knew he was going to say this too.

"bullshit" you said walking closer to him, your heart pounding like crazy and your finger was pointed against his chest.

"Bullshit?"

"Yes, you don't fucking care Vincent" you knew he did, yet he haven't showed it to you properly in a while and you kept testing him, testing the waters around him to just find the weak point to get him weak again, for you.

"I don't care huh?" He said grabbing the hand your were pointing at him and squeezing it inot his: "I don't care?" His face was now inches away from yours and your breathing fastened in a second when you felt his body against yours.

"You think I don't care?" You looked at him, trying to get rid of his grip before he held your wrist and tightened his hand around it until you almost whined in pain.

"I'll show you how I don't care" he gritted through his teeth again, pressing his lips against yours, forcing the kiss as he held your bodycloser to his and you fought it.

You fought it even though this was what you wanted and he loved when you struggled.

He deepened the kiss and it almost felt like he was taking your soul out of you and he was swallowing it all when you opened your mouth and his tongue fought against yours.

He didn't even look into your eyes before his lips crashed onto yours again and his hand held the back of your head.

His mouth devoured yours before moving down to your jaw and neck while you swallowed all the moans he was capable to drag out of you even when you were this upset to him. Vincent did not stop as you kept trying to get rid of him but he groaned against your skin and pushed your body down the hallway, holding himself on the wall to force you to walk backwards.

"I know you want this" he finally spoke up between a kiss and another as you bit your lips and tried your best to hold yourself back.

"you want me to treat you like I don't care" his hand slide up your throat while his thumb slightly pressed on it, making a chocked moan escape from your mouth.

His body was still pressed against yours when the both of you entered the bedroom and he quickly pushed you down the bed, spreading your legs with a hand, while the other quickly started to undress you.

"you don't even hesitate" he said raising an eyebrow, licking his lips too at the sight of your body on display for him. You looked up at him, fighting the urge to smirk at him for the way he was talking to you, for the way he was turning you on just by looking at you.

As he kept removing every piece of clothing that was covering you, you tried to sit on the bed and touch him but Vincent pushed you back down and held your arms against the mattress. You suddenly felt your body heating up while a cold shiver run down your back until when you felt his knee sliding on the fabric of the sheets and towards your core, pressing slightly against your now, drenched underwear.

He smirked when he saw your body quivering and your fists clenching as he bent down to whisper into your ear, knowing damn well how much you loved it while his knee pressed even harder, making obscene noises escape from your mouth.

"Don't move or you'll regret it" he whispered and his cold hand moved down your chest, between your breasts and down your stomach, going lower and lower as he left kisses against your neck and shoulder. 

God how impossible he was. Impossible to resist when he played with you like this but you really doubted he was playing now. His hand kept traveling lower, towards your underwear as his eyes kept catching every single move you made, every single little tremble and shiver that he was able to make you feel without any effort.

Your breath got stuck in your throat when his fingers started to rub your clit through the fabric and the loud moan you unconsciously let slip from your lips made him stop and tighten his grip on your wrists that were now pinned above your head.

"and you fucking keep it quiet" he said fiercely when his fingers moved your underwear to the side and another smirk spread across his face when they quickly coated with your wetness and smoothly slipped into your core without a warning.

You swallowed a moan as he added another finger and started pumping into you faster and faster. He was edging you, playing with you this torturous game just to make you regret what you had done and said even though you were loving it and so was he.

The more he deepend his fingers the wetter you got and within a few more smooth pumps you felt the knot in your stomach growing bigger, sliding down your pulsating core that was now matching your violent heartbeat and you swore you felt your chest almost breaking by the way your heart was shaking against your lungs, making it impossible for you to keep it quiet.

"please..." you dared to say under your breath but Vincent wasn't planning to let you finish nor to satisfy you as you thought he would.

"don't you dare" you could tell he was hard by now and he was fighting it with his whole life just to keep you on the edge, but with this he was also keeping himself on the edge and it was painful for him to see you so desperate for him and not giving you what you truly wanted since the moment you grabbed that goddamn phone and decided to call him.

"you don't get to come.." he breathed out, curling his fingers into you harder than before "not even if you beg me" his other hand let go of your wrists to hold your throat.

"and after what you've done" he continued, removing his fingers from you when your walls painfully clenched around them "you won't get to come for a while".

Both his hands quickly moved your underwear down your thights and legs, until when he completly slide them off of you. He was panting, eager to fuck you like never before and the ache between your legs grew even more painful when you caught his hands undoing his belt and taking his hard and swollen cock out.

He moaned in relief as he grabbed your hips and moved you to the edge of the bed with one hand around your tight and stroking himself with the other, precum glistening on the red tip as he positioned himself against your entrance, trailing a gasp out of your mouth before you bit down on your lower lip and his hand was beside your face, to hold himself up from the bed.

Without even a warning Vincent pushed his cock all the way in, stretching you out nicely as a loud groan echoed through the room and his hips already moved back and forth, wasting no time to push you to the edge again. 

The sight of him in front of you, fully clothed in his suit, his eyes narrowing and his parted lips were already sending you to the moon and back and as sensitive as you were from the previous denied orgasm you knew it wouldn't have taken you longer before you could feel yourself shaking and panting even more with another one.

"fuck you feel good..."

He pounded into you with no mercy, holding your waist tightly so he could move your body to crash your movements against his.

"so good"

His words were like feathers tickling your mind to let yourself go, to ignore what he had told you and just come desperately but you fought it. This time you didn't want him to stop, you didn't want him to make you sweat and suffer for this but your gasps and muffled noises were turning him on so much that he could've came right there if you kept going.

"you're getting too loud darling" Vincent said bitterly, moving his hand down your stomach again to squeeze you down, "want me to stop it?" a hard thrust made you gasp even louder but you managed to compose yourself and shake your head in response.

"what'd you say?" 

"no... don't stop" you whispered pathetically in response.

"Good 'cause I'm not planning to" the mischievous smile that spread on his gorgeous face made your head spin and your knees shake while his movements became even more frenatic and almost sloppy. 

"hold it back" he moaned when he felt your wet and tight walls clentching around him and your eyes squeezed just like your lungs, in the hope that you could actually manage to hold it back as he demanded but he was as close as you were and frankly you both needed this.

His breathing fastened to meet the rhythm of his pace as his cock throbbed and twitched inside of you while he truly tried his best to hold it back with you but the more he looked at you and those eyes of yours that were begging him without saying a word the more he couldn't resist it.

"fuck... don't cum" and your eyes almost rolled back but his hand quickly reached for your neck, missing your stare on him already and forced you to keep them open. You whimpered in despair as your hand hold onto his wrist and arm for dear life; your nails, digging into his skin and his hand tighthening around your throat was all he needed to let himself go and fuck you even harder, hitting your deepest spots and making tears roll down your burning cheeks.

"please" you cried out squeezing his wrist but he shook his head and clenched his jaw, pushing into you faster, slamming his skin against yours as you finally screamed his name and Vincent coated your walls and quickly pulled away, making his cum drip on your stomach too.

Your walls painfully clenched around air, looking for more friction but all he did was looking at you, enjoying the desperation spreading across your face before he cleaned you up with his fingers and brought them to your lips.

"you wanted me to treat you like I don't care..." he whispered calmly as you licked his fingers with your tongue but you mind was dizzy and your heart was still pounding and following the pace of his thrusts even if he had moved away.

"now, I have to go" you pressed your lips together and watched him in disbelief as he raised his trousers again and fixed his grey hair a little.

"but you will wait for me and..." he turned around to face you again, a playful smirk glowing on his face made you almost want to grab him again and force him to stay with you but you fought yourself and listened to his soothing voice.

"if you behave...maybe I'll give you something more"

and with this he left the house again, leaving you shaking in anticipation and eager for his return.

— for ml @dxddycruise I hope you liked it🎀