#entertainment industry observation

[heymeowmao]

2023.06.06 - https://weibo.com/l/wblive/p/show/1022:2321324909692089401460

加油啊!

bgm: Chong Zi OST - Heaven Light (天光)

LYN: Hallo everybody, good evening. I am Modern Brothers Liu Yuning! Welcome!! Long time no see. I feel like I haven’t streamed in a long time, at least. And... why is the sound so loud? /adjusts/. It’s been a while since I streamed last and I saw that a few of you were going out of your minds. You resorted to taunting me to get me to get me to come. Can we spread a little more kindness in this world? Please? It’s only been a few days and you’ve already started to taunt me. It’s not necessary, alright? LYN: When I’m in a good condition, I will come to stream on my own when I think the time is right. I hope you don’t push me next time. When you start pushing, I start second-guessing myself and think that maybe I SHOULD be streaming. But if my condition isn’t great- for example if I did some recording that day or took care of some different business- then I won’t be able to stream the way I want. I’d be forcing myself to stream. It’s not necessary. Let’s leave it up to me, alright? If I’m in a good condition and I want to stream and chat and relax, I’ll come. But otherwise... let me rest! 

LYN: The stream lagging a little is normal, because I’ve upgraded my equipment. If I upgrade my camera, I have to upgrade my computer, too. After that, you might think the sound card isn’t doing a good enough job- a lot of you always complain that the sound is too low. I don’t know why you can’t wear some headphones... but you always complain that the sound is low. After upgrades, the computer can’t keep up. See? It seems like I have to change my computer AGAIN. I’ve only had it for two years- it cost a lot- and now I have to buy a new one. Technology is too advanced for my computer to keep up. C: Sell it. LYN: I won’t be selling it. It’s just because that for this stream I’ve returned home to Beijing. i don’t have a desktop computer here, so I’m using the laptop. The signal on it is probably lacking, so it lags every once in a while. It’s enough for you to watch, though. Thanks, everyone (for your understanding). Our main focus is on “company”. Even if you are just photos (profile pics) we’re keeping each other company, alright? 

bgm: LBFD/CLJ OST - Searching for You (寻一个你)

LYN: Why am I wearing this today? Because the NCEE is fast-approaching. In order to fit the theme, I’ve worn some clothes that make me look younger. Let me pretend to be young, to be a student. Is it alright? Our theme here is “young.” LYN: As long as you’re satisfied with this look, all’s well.  LYN: The other thing is I haven’t lived in this Beijing house for a long time, since I am always away in Hengdian. I don’t really have any clothes to wear, here. I tried looking, I did, and I couldn’t find anything to wear. People always say that a woman’s closet is always lacking something. I get the feeling I’m lacking ten outfits- to use for streaming. I always feel like I don’t have anything to wear when I want to stream. Let me tell you- I do put thought into what I wear. You might think that I choose my streaming outfit at random, but I actually put a lot of effort into it. 

C: Ning-ge, I thought you had 3,000 outfits. LYN: When I first debuted- in the first two years- I might have had 3,000 outfits but now, three years later, how many clothes do you think I have? Think about it. There’s a room in this house that looks like a storage room and it’s full of clothes. I can’t even wear some of them because I bought them so long ago that the color has gone off from age.  C: Raffle them. LYN: We could... we could pick a concert stop- if I’m having a concert next year- and let’s say it’s a 10,000 person venue... Wait- I don’t have 10,000 pieces of clothing... Let’s do this instead. I’ll take 1,000 pieces of clothing for each stop and gift it to the audience. The concert benefit is being gifted clothes second-hand. 

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C: How’s the album coming along? LYN: I really am working on album stuff right now. But if it were such an easy thing to do, it wouldn’t have taken me three years to release one. Think about the singers nowadays- there are as many as they come. It’s really difficult to continuously release albums, unless they are songwriters themselves. They could write their own works and put as much into that as they wanted; but even so, there are times when you have no inspiration. For me, as someone who does not have the ability to write songs... I just have to wait for something that works. Sometimes even when you find one, someone else gets to it first. It’s up to luck and timing. This time around I have taken my time to pick the songs and I’ve gotten some that I really like.  LYN: Let me tell you about my plans. I want to release this album before the end of the year. I previously released a song called “Fall in Love”- you know it, right? My fans have probably heard it before, but there are many of you who are just passing by and have entered the wrong shop- or have been dragged in by someone handing out cards- let me play my song “Fall in Love” for you. -- Fall in Love LYN: I went crazy all of a sudden. 

LYN: This was going to be the title song for my album... but it’s been two years since the track was released. Well- one and a half years. I sang it for the first time at the Jiangsu New Year’s Event... and then... about two years have passed and the album was never released. If I release it later in the year, it WILL be three years. So my plan for this year is to get my album out before December. It’ll be around 10 songs. This song (Fall in Love)- we can do without. I mean- not count it as part of the album. It’ll just be a single. LYN: As for my album, I’ll remake it. I had collected a few for the album from before, and have recorded two of them. But now... immodestly speaking, my singing has improved in the last two years. Listening to those songs now I think, “What the heck is this singing? WTF is this?? You think you can release an album like this, you must be crazy!” So the other day I re-recorded one of the songs. LYN: To singers “progress” is relative to a lot of different aspects. The first is the progression of age. The second is the advancement of music. The third probably has to do with the fact that I am acting now. After acting, I feel like I can better express emotions. I can let them show more or.. how should I say it? (Express them more subtly.) I have a deeper feeling/understanding of them now. LYN: Penny-jie gave me a song. Not counting Fall in Love, I should have... four now. But I should be able to confirm another one or two in the next couple of days. They’ve given me demos and I’ve given gone through them briefly and I think they’re very nice but I’ll have to get a better listen. I now have four complete songs and will get another three or four in the next days. I’ll have seven. Then I can just find three more and we can release the at the end of the year. :) My plan is to release the album before the end of the year- 10 songs- and then open up my concerts mid 2024. That’s just an estimate, because I have to film in the first half. Probably May or June. But before the concert I want to release an EP of about 5 songs.

C: Will you release an MV? LYN: I am working on an MV, yes. I’m planing on finding a few of my good friends- I can now make a PROPER MV. The MVs I shot before were all: I’m looking for something. I walk to the ocean and I search. I climb a ladder. I run. I look up at the sky and sit by my bedside, depressed. I’m emo. More conceptual. Now I don’t want to make MVs like that. I want something with a plot. So the songs I am finding now are all- /cuts himself off/. In any case, I’m going to find some of my good friends to help me shoot it. Of course, I will not be paying them. LYN: I already asked them- “If I release an album next year, will you help me shoot the mv?” They asked me if I would pay extra, and I replied that if they continued that thought I would block them. XD  LYN: My MV would need a group of them- I'll find 10 artists to act in the MV for me. Something that requires 2,000 extras. We’ll do a “human wave attack” (人海战术; offensive infantry tactic in which an attacker conducts an unprotected frontal assault with densely concentrated infantry formations -wiki).

LYN: So, for those of you asking about how my album is going, I really am working on getting it released this year, I swear. I have time in Beijing now to work on it properly and wrap up with logistics and with the music. After all that is finished I will re-focus on my acting. We’ll see.

C: I want to be an extra. LYN: Er... for extras the fee is 200RMB, sent to me. 1200RMB to me and I will include two meals. I won’t pick you up, but will send you back- to the closest bus stop. C: Ning-ge, I’ll invest 300k for your MV. LYN: Are you really investing or has chasing starts made you silly? If investing, let’s say my mv makes any revenue- you’d like a cut of the profits? But if you want to shoot a nice MV, it requires quite a bit of money. I don’t think 300k will be enough. I’m thinking of shooting two to three. C: I’ll invest 1M. LYN: I will find a staff member to contact you immediately. You can’t run, I’ve remembered your ID. I’ll find a staff to contact you and we can exchange the deposit in private. For a 1M project, you only need to give me a deposit of 200k first. C: Ning-ge, I’ll invest my charms. LYN: So what you’re trying to say that you’re too good-looking, so you want to be a part of my video and... that will be favorable for me? We’d be taking advantage of you because you’re too pretty, too beautiful?

C: Ning-ge, how about I give you 10RMB. LYN: Has the progression of my career reached a point where I need to do crowdfunding? I can’t survive on my own anymore, and if I want to do something my fans have to drum up the money? It’s not necessary. I know I’m not doing very well but I’m not that pitiful. Also, I just want to say- let me think of how I can phrase this nicely, to filter it-   LYN: ~ I think that music has always been a dream of mine. I can give everything I have to my music. You tell me you want to crowdfund in order to let me release my songs, but I think there’s no need for that. The music I release is for you to listen to, to enjoy, and to experience. If you feel anything when listening to my songs then that already is my greatest honor. That’s why, I don’t want you to give me any money. I will figure out the funding on my own. I appreciate your good intentions. You are all kind people. You all have dreams. You are good samaritans. ~ LYN: ~ I’m sure that everyone who has a dream in music who sees such a group of people who want to support their passion for music, will be moved. Thank you all. ~

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- /gives his support to students taking the NCEE/

C: Ning-ge, your voice is like this and you’re still streaming? LYN: ~ Honestly friends, I have to tell you, my voice is really uncomfortable today. Because for a long time I was in the South- in Hengdian- which is more humid. I’ve suddenly returned to Beijing and I haven’t quite adjusted. I have a really dry throat. I am withstanding searing pain to stream for everyone today. But I don’t want to make this a big deal. I don’t want to say that I am sick. I just want to say- that you are all very important to me. I’m willing to do this for you- ~ - /breaks character because he couldn’t stand himself/ LYN: Beijing is dry, alright? My throat is uncomfortable. I’ve been living in the South all this while- me, who originates from the North, has been living in the South. Hendgian is in Zhejiang, right? That’s south. It’s humid. So being back here now (in the North), my throat has been uncomfortable. It’s really dry. Especially Beijing, which is particularly dry. Liaoning, Dandong- where my house is- is okay, because there I am close the the river/ocean. The air isn’t as dry for a place in the Northeast. Beijing is really dry, though. I have to put on so many face masks every day. LYN: Wait for me a sec, I’ll go grab some water.

C: The chair looks nice. LYN: Are you making fun of me? This house in Beijing is rented so this furniture was all here when I got the house. I don’t have such high tastes. This is the landlord’s stuff, not mine. - C: Drink less soft drinks. LYN: This isn’t a soft drink, it’s just carbonated water. It’s carbonated, but there’s no sugar or anything in it.  - C: It’s a princess chair. LYN: /laughs/ Yes, it is. There are six of them. They were around the dinner table but I grabbed one over to sit on while I stream. I’m not in Beijing very often, anyway.

C: What special effect is this today? LYN: You can tell that this video has special effects?? This is the “aurora” effect. Why am I using it, do you know? Well- you all know what an “aurora” is, right? A very mystical phenomenon. LYN: ~ I am using this aurora effect today because I believe that not many people in this world have seen an actual aurora. Or a real rainbow. But I hope that each one of you who are in my stream can see this wonderful aurora special effect. So you can feel like you are in a faraway place- somewhere you can see the lights. ~ - bgm: Young Captain队长 & ODD Chen Sijian - 超感 (Super Sense) - LYN: But remember to tell me where I can see a rainbow. I saw one the other day- with my eyes, it was very clear. But I tried to take a picture of it on my phone and I found out- you can’t really see it.  C: Your skills aren’t good enough. / LYN: Oh. C: Change your phone. / LYN: Right, okay.

C: Have you done your physical yet? LYN: Not yet. I want to get everything arranged first and acclimate before I do it. Lately I’ve been preparing to start working out again. I want to give myself half a year’s time to start a regular eating schedule. I’ll mind what I eat- like not anything fried or sweet- and try to stick to an exercise schedule. I want to know, after this half year, what the results will be.  LYN: I really have properly started working out now. I’m not kidding anymore. My abs... I’m at... 10%. If having full-on abs is 100%, then I have at least 20% now. That is- you can see something if you squint. Let me train for a bit first. If there are results by the end of the year I’ll post up a picture. I see a lot of male artists wearing suits, right? But they don’t wear a shirt- it’s just the suit jacket- and a low middle button. I see a lot of male artists like that and I’m super jealous. They have such nice physique that allows them to wear the clothes in that way, to show a little skin. Either that or it’s a dress shirt, but the buttons are undone until the last few. The name of the game there is “Temptation/Seduction”. I can’t do that, though. If I open it up I look like a boiled chicken. LYN: I just want to have a nicer physique. I won’t make any promises from now on. I won’t bring it up again. We’ll just.. wait and see.

LYN: I was worried that I would come onto the stream today and my face would look fat. Lately I’ve been eating less but if I want to work out I have to eat more- three meals is modest. I’ve been forcing myself to eat, so I feel like I’ve gained weight. I thought it would show on the camera but it’s alright. The beauty filters are strong, after all. LYN: I had a huge bowl of rice and vegetables just earlier. But those are all regular foods. It’s alright I didn’t gain weight. // I have a performance in a couple of days, I told you about it before- some college, right?

C: Ning-ge, your hair color is makes you seem young. LYN: I don’t like the words “seem young”. I used to sell clothes, so I know all the right words to say when you’re trying to make a sale. If you say I “seem young” then that means that you don’t see me as ACTUALLY young. You don’t see me as young at all, but the words “seem young” should be allocated to 45+ year old men and women. You can use “seem young” to describe them. Okay?? You’ve just admitted that in your mind I am already... an old man.

C: Feels “youthful”! LYN: Friends, you don’t need to make forced compliments. I have a very clear image of myself and “youthful” doesn’t fit it. I told you before, that I had a script come to me and they wanted to act as a high school student for a portion of it, didn’t I? There was a plot where the two people met in high school and went to college together but later separated to start working. The majority of the plot is focused on when they are adults, but I couldn’t get past them wanting me to act as a high school student for a portion of it. Because of this, I gave up on this drama.  LYN: I can act as maybe a college student if you lay down the foundation extra thick to cover up the wrinkles. Maybe get some Thermage treatment in, and I could pass. But if you want me to act as a middle or high school student, I really can’t do it. I am 1.9m tall- when I’m not wearing shoes I’m 1.89m, but if I wear shoes I’m taller than 1.9m. It’d be okay if I were shorter but have you ever seen that tall of a high school student?? They’re already done growing! So me acting as a high school student would be a little unfitting. 

C: Kids nowadays are all tall. LYN: /laughs/ You’re right, but I still can’t do it! They might be tall but they still have young faces. My face has obviously seen time. I just can’t do it. A kid can play someone older, but someone older can’t play a kid. My face already has time on it. If you wanted me to act as someone around 30 years old or so, that wouldn’t be a problem. But early 20′s is difficult for me!

C: Ning-ge, you’re very young. Ning-ge, you can do it. LYN: I realized there’s something about this industry... let me tell you how I feel about it. People who do well in this industry- I’ve been to events, I can see who’s doing well or not- you’ll discover something. That is, no matter what they do the people around them will endlessly praise them. Really. I’m talking about people who are doing well for themselves. Their staff, the staff you meet at events- let’s say we’re at some recording for a show or an event- any staff around will give them endless praise. For example, an artist goes, “Huh? What is this, a phone? I’ve never seen one like this before. It’s called an iPhone?” The staff around them have already reached a point where they reply, “You’re so smart! Amazing! /claps/. You’ve never seen this thing before, but you knew it was a phone. You’re so great. You have a natural talent for identifying phones.” I was at the side, watching like:

LYN: But most of the time the artist will gladly accept the praise. “Oh, I just have a knack for this. :) I have an interest in mobile phones- oh, I see this is an iPhone! I’ve never seen one before, but I already know. I’m just talented. I have an interest in electronics.” !! It’s like humoring a child! And these artists aren’t young. LYN: You know- once you reach a certain point you’ll find out that the words of the people around you are 99% praise. The people close to you, as well as the people you meet. After I saw that happening I thought, “Oh~ So (that’s how it is)...” They’re probably already used to it and it doesn’t affect them at all but to me... I don’t feel a thing.  LYN: Just like when you tell me that I’m young and that I can play a middle schooler. I’ll listen to what you’re saying, but leave it at that. I might even have the passing thought that maybe you are trying to provoke me. After seeing all that, I have my own judgement on what people say to me in the future. I don’t believe that all you should hear is praise. There needs to be all sorts of comments in order to level you. Only then can you mature. Only then will you know where your limits are. LYN: That’s why when you praise and support me- of course, I like to hear it. But I don’t think there’s a need to take it seriously. There’s really no need. C: I was being honest. LYN: Even if you were, I still won’t take it seriously. I need to have self-awareness to maintain my balance. 

- - - - - - - - - -

- /saw a passing comment and makes note to answer it later, but clarifies he couldn’t really see the whole thing because the comment was too long. If they are short comments, usually he sees all of them scrolling by./ LYN: I can’t answer all of them, so please be generous. Don’t think that just because I am not replying to you, you shouldn’t comment at all. Our theme here is “company”.

C: Are there kiss scenes in ZY? LYN: What’s it to you?!? You must be crazy. XD LYN: There are no kiss scenes in ZY, only bath scenes. Of course by that I mean- a normal bath. For example, I’ll go to bathe and my bros will scrub my back for me. Scenes like that. They'll perform some gua sha and  ba guan for me. Because we’ll all get together to wash up after we go out to battle. We’re starting a “community bathing” culture. C: Such a big scale? LYN: We’re still wearing pants. If we want it to air, we’ll still be wearing pants. They’ll only show the top half. Just a bunch of guys helping to scrub each other’s backs.

C: Your ears are turning red. LYN: Why would they be??? What did I say today that would make my ears red?? You really think I’m only 18 years old?! Have you forgotten what I was trending for a while ago?? (Married) Oh-sorry. I’m... I’m not a young kid. Why I turn red from talking about washing up and scrubbing backs?? C: Now it IS red. LYN: Yeah, I misspoke earlier. My mind was running slow and my mouth too fast. I apologize. C: Drink some water to settle your mind.

C: When will YNGS air? LYN: I don’t know! :D Let me tell you friends, a lot of actors are also dumbfounded. I know you like to ask us actors when our dramas will air, but we’re in the dark and really don’t know. I’m guessing if you try to ask the production company, they wouldn’t either! Sometimes you’ll hear that a drama is airing tonight and then the next morning you find it didn’t. This is normal, so if you ask me when a drama is airing, I really don’t know. LYN: It’s been two years since I finished filming a couple of my dramas and even now I am getting notices to do voice acting or supplement for voice acting. It seems like everything is going according to plan and the OSTs are all recorded, but then... it’s just indefinitely about to air. So what time a drama airs is really hard to say. I can only tell you that I can’t tell you.

C: Do you have a variety? LYN: I do, we’ve been in talks. But I- I- Once I start in a drama crew I don’t have the time anymore. Varieties nowadays need two to three or up to seven to eight days to record. There’s no way the drama production is letting me off for that long. Especially since I am starting to accept male lead roles... So, it’s hard for me to go. The production doesn’t really give the time off. So the variety is hard to say, since I will be entering another crew soon. You all are afraid of me wasting my time at home, and desperately want me to enter a crew. Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing. You’ll see. When I pick projects, they’re usually dependable. If any news gets announced I’m sure you will be happy for me. I won’t be sitting around at home. C: Is it a modern or historical? LYN: Which one are you referring to? Are you talking about the one in the latter half of next year? That one... hasn’t come yet. Let me pretend. // This is called “I’ve been home too long and now I’m making fantasies”. I clearly don’t have work but I’m pretending I do. There are some people like that, and I am one of them.

LYN: If you don’t quite understand me, let me explain. I’m a workaholic, I really am. Just look at how I spent the past five years. I started off singing on the streets and slowly made myself internet famous. After that, I became a singer. Now I’m starting to be an actor. I’ve made it this far step by step. Do you think, if I took even one moment to rest in these past five years, I would have been able to make it to where I am today? Getting to work with all these comparative (to me) amazing people? I don’t want to say that I am putting a lot of effort into this; I just want you to know that I don’t want to let myself rest. I want to learn quickly how to make my way in this industry.  LYN: The people I’m working with now are all amazing, right? I started off as a busker on the streets. In order for me to make it here, if I rested at all in the past five years do you think I would have been able to walk this far? I don’t have a company backing me. I only have this group of fans who have kept me company all this way. I don’t have a company (公司/gong si), only fans (粉丝/fen si). LYN: I’m the type of person who gets anxious if they don’t have work. My old fans all know this. But can you see me being anxious right now? If I didn’t have work, and I hadn’t decided my next drama or made plans for the future- I’d be having a breakdown. Do you think I’d be sitting here so calmly, discussing this with you? I’d be here complaining, not telling you jokes. LYN: So, you can tell by my mood. If I’m relaxed then I have plans in place. Lately I’ve taken a break because I really do want to work on my album. It’s not like an OST, where I can just take a song someone else has written if I like it and just record a song and release it. Albums are complicated. The process of collecting songs alone is difficult. Another thing about me is that I don’t want the songs on my album to be like songs I’ve sung for OSTs. I’ve accepted many OSTs that I really like a lot. But if there are songs on my album that are no different from the OSTs then I’ll think, “What’s the point of releasing this song? This is exactly like an OST I can sing.” Choosing the music is hard. I hear too many songs every year, so it’s hard to pick one I really like. I’m really working on the album. LYN: I’m also going to start the voice acting for YNGS. I’m going to plan to give them 10 days for recording. For example, I’d go in at 10a-1p, grab a bite, then start again at 4-5p until 7-8p. It’ll be like working a regular job, for about 10 days. I want to get the voice acting finished in the coming week. I also have some OSTs I need to record and events to attend. I won’t be idle. Don’t worry- you don’t need to be anxious for me. LYN: Oh- I don’t need fan support for voice acting. Just want to let you know. If I go to the recording studio and there’s a group of you with banners chanting our fan motto... it’s not necessary. I just need to do my job and that’s it. LYN: Maybe in a few days when I go to the hospital for my physical, you can come give me fan support then. /laughs/ You can stand by the entrance and shout, “LYN, good luck on your physical!” or something like that.  C: Steal urine. LYN: ?? What does that mean? Are you a pervert?? You must be. I told you I was going in for my physical and you said you want to steal (my) urine?? /barfing sounds/ LYN: Unreasonable. Truly unreasonable. Oh my goodness. This is too perverse. C: Extreme sasaeng behavior. LYN: This isn’t even sasaeng behavior anymore. This is... /barfs/

C: Can you turn the lyrics off? LYN: What- what, are the lyrics blocking your sight to something? How about I make it smaller? This is fine, right? /sigh/ I’ll turn it off. Save you some face.

- - - - - - - - - -

-- break #1 (his friend is having a baby and he needs to take a look) LYN: Excuse me friends, I made you wait long. I’m back. Lao Wang had a son a while back, this time he had a daughter. It’s nice. C: Are they good-looking? LYN: Not better than me. /laughs/ Why does that feel low- I’m competing in looks with a child?? C: How many days apart are they? LYN: The last time they had a kid was... three months ago. Now they have another. It’s amazing.

C: You look young. You can go act as a middle schooler. LYN: Let me tell you, friends- lately I’ve been thinking I want to start “pan chuan” (counting prayer beads (?)). I just think it’s cool. I think it’s fun. Watching the string change over time is interesting. But then I was thinking, if I started to do this, wouldn’t it prove that I am crossing another...I can’t say “realm”, can I? I’m entering into the meditative mind and healthy body category. But my current category is as a “Disney-lover”! C: I’ve been doing this for many years already. LYN: Which means to say your age... is probably around mine, right? C: Elementary kids do this, too. LYN: Do they? I didn’t know. But I really bought a string online and later I’ll... play with them. // I met someone not too long ago, and they told me they had nothing fun to do. I suggested they count beads and they said that they didn’t want to because if they did that, they would enter into the “middle-aged” mindset. That’s how they described it, at least. I thought about it and... yeah, they were right. But if you’re telling me that even elementary kids are doing this now, then I think that this is the popular trend for now. Then, we’ll count! C: Don’t count them, “pan” me. LYN: Do you want to “chuan”?? // Wait- sorry. That sounds like a curse word. That is- Sorry. - /clears his throat and skips the topic/ ;; t/n: there’s some wordplay here, but idk LYN: I won’t. I seriously did research on this and these things need a high density. You’re probably not dense enough. Also there’s a process of going from white, to colored (oxidized), and then opened (?). I don’t really want to see you “colored”. I think I’ll forget it. You can “pan” yourself in the mirror. I won’t be participating.

C: Watch out for tendonitis. LYN: What do you mean- like when I’m moving them, this part of my hand is likely to get tendonitis? I’ll buy a machine to turn them. I saw that there are those things online. / Oh, was it “tenosynovitis”? Sorry, I read wrong. / But there are machines for this, so I was thinking of getting one. I won’t have to use my own hands. I won’t get tenosynovitis, it’s okay. // There’s another machine, where you can take each of the beads and there’s like a tube- you can put the bead inside and it will spin.

C: Nine-ge, don’t wash your face in the morning just take the beads and rub them on your face. LYN: Why are you so dirty? That would be so gross. We want the bead’s natural oils. Maybe this topic is not interesting to many females, but we want the bead’s natural oils, not your dirty face oils. That’s no good. Forget it, let’s not.

C: Tell Daimi to count them for you. LYN: Daimi? I’d be lucky if she didn’t take them for peanuts and eat them. 

LYN: I thought you wouldn’t be interested, but it seems like a lot of you women- and men, there are bound to be men here too, right? - you all like to play with this. When my string arrives, will we be considered “pan”you? [t/n: play on the word “friends” (peng you)] Or “chuan-you”? I don’t know. We can discuss it. LYN: I didn’t know elementary school kids were interested in this, too. I honestly don’t know too much about it myself. There aren’t many grade schoolers in the group of friends around me to begin with. So I’m not sure what they’re into these days.

- - - - - - - - - -

C: Is your dog male or female? LYN: She’s a girl. I won’t own boy dogs. I used to own a boy dog, a long time ago. I took him out for a walk and all of a sudden he set his eyes on another dog and took off. He was a bigger breed- a sheepdog (Scotch Collie). He took the leash and started chasing a female dog. I ran across 8 hilltops- I was walking him up in the middle of nowhere- it was up in the mountains, and there were giant storehouses. He took the leash and ran and I chased him across three hilltops. I was this close to a breakdown, I almost threw up and I couldn’t catch him. I lost him and it scared me so much. Even /I/ got lost in the chase, because I wasn’t familiar with the area. I was chasing my dog, and my dog was chasing another dog. After all the running I lost the dog AND my way. I ran for about ten+ minutes. Do you know how helpless I felt, surrounded by unfamiliar terrain, lost dog and lost way? So ever since then I learned my lesson for having boy dogs. LYN: After that I only ever owned girl dogs. Youmi... Daimi... and there’s was also a cocker spaniel, whose name was also Youmi. I had two dogs named Youmi. The original had died, so I bought another one immediately so the love could be transferred. [t/n: if I recall, he didn’t want his grandparents to be too sad that Youmi (original) had passed away.]  LYN: All female dogs.

C: Did you ever find him? LYN: Later, he came back on his own. It took ME a while to find the way back home- I really ran across three hills before I found the path and went home by myself. I went home and cried to my mom that I had lost the dog and that I almost got lost. But when it came around nighttime, he came back on his own. That dog was so smart. People could hold his leash as long as I was there, but if I wasn’t he would go crazy. He was so smart. But in the end that dog... you probably know how it went. He ran away. That’s why people tell you- you can’t trust men. If they so something wrong once, they’ll do it a second time. He ran away, and didn’t come back this time. C: It was a BE. LYN: That’s an appropriate description, yes. At the time I was really sad about it, I cried for a few days and didn’t own a dog for a long time after.

C: He went to become someone’s son-in-law. LYN: He was a really handsome dog, but unfortunately I don’t have any pictures of him. You know sheepdogs- they have long snouts and long hair. Usually they’re all cream and black, or brown, right? But he was black and white. If there were a litter- only one of them would be patterned like that. It was so pretty. LYN: ! He wasn’t a Border Collie, though. I know what you’re talking about- Borders are black and white. He was a Scotch Collie, but black and white. Wow, he was so handsome. // I know the difference between a Border and a Scotch. He was the only one of the litter with that coloring- he was very unique. Very special.

C: What breed was Youmi? LYN: The first was a cocker spaniel. The second was a toy poodle. The one now is a schnauzer. After raising the cocker first, I discovered it was better to own a dog that didn’t shed as much. Schnauzers don’t shed as much- only the undercoat- and nor do toy poodles. These dogs are easy to clean up after, they’re small and smart, and don’t need to be walked as much.

C: Why don’t you like big dogs? LYN: Wait- look, I just said that I liked dogs that don’t shed as much and someone in the chat said, “Ning-ge, I also don’t shed a lot. Raise me.”  I’m guessing in not too long someone is going to pick up on this topic. LYN: Don’t you lose hair? I don’t believe there’s one person here who can say they don’t shed hair. We all do, more or less.

- - - - - - - - - -

C: Ning-ge, this special effect looks like “spitting pies”. LYN: ?? What is that? There are small orbs flying at you, so you think I’m “spitting pies”? I don’t always make “pies” (pipe-dreams). When have I made a pie for you? There aren’t many. The first is my abs- that’s going to be fulfilled this year, isn’t it?  C: “Stream until we throw up.” LYN: It counts if I do, too. Someone earlier wanted to steal something of mine, didn’t they? I threw up, then. If I throw up it counts too.

LYN: I saw a comment in the group chat that read, “Ning-ge is streaming today. If someone pushes him to stop streaming, I curse them to eat instant noodles without the seasonings forever.”

C: Disney stream; Carnation Festival 3.5. LYN: I had explanations for those, didn’t I? I told you about the Disney stream the last time- it’s not convenient for me to stream at the park. It was going to be okay, but lately their business has been booming. It became inconvenient for me to stream at the park because we wanted to avoid any unnecessary crowding. C: Recipe for marinating meat skewers. LYN: I’ve been busy lately... watching dramas, going to concerts... XD I’ve been busy with that lately. As for the grilling recipe, I’ll see if there’s a time I want to go out and relax. Maybe when I’m done with voice acting for Ning Yuanzhou- I’ll film a video, then. LYN: I saw someone asking me where I’ve been- I’ve really been busy as of late. And this work isn’t on a set schedule.

- - - - - - - - - -

C: After going back to Beijing you look more lively. LYN: I’ve been in Hengdian for so long that I’ve felt stifled. I honestly really like Hengdian, but the problem is- it’s a town. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just very small. It’s mostly the food- I’ve had so much of it! All the restaurants and take-out... I’ve been there for three years. Think about exactly how many good restaurants there can be. I’ve already eaten my fill. Also, there’s no place I can shop around! Sometimes I like shopping and buying clothes- give myself some motivation to keep working hard. I’ll go shop and say, “Wow, these clothes are so expensive! These shoes are expensive! I should buy them. Then, I can continue to work hard so I can afford them.” That’s what I do when I shop. LYN: I like living in the city. I can eat whatever I want, whether that’s skewers, hot pot, stir fry, Shanghai cuisine, Hangzhou cuisine, etc. I have choices. But the problem is that in Hengdian, there are only so many shops. You don’t really have a choice. All I did there was eat. I felt like I had enough. But after coming back to Beijing- there’s nothing really fun to do here, either, but- at least I can shop. As for “play” I like... arcades. Last time I was in Beijing I played with VR or escape rooms- those are fun. 

C: ZXD-laoshi is here. LYN: Welcome.

- /talks a little more about what he’d like to do in Beijing while he can experience the freedom of having choices: to eat/shop/play./ LYN: I’ve just been in Hengdian too long. Now that I’m back here I’m letting myself go, a little. I like the feeling of living in a big city. I like the bustle. I’ve asked my friends before, where they like to go for travel.One of them told me they go on hikes- to see the mountains and watch the rivers; how on the way there’s a part of the river that’s really beautiful. After hearing that, I didn’t have any reaction/feeling for it. They in turn asked me where I like to go for fun. I told them I like to go to Shanghai, Beijing, Hangzhou. They replied, “You’re not going there to work, are you?” LYN: I’m just the type of person who has to come to a bustling/busy place to relax. Why? Because my hometown is a tourist city I’ve grown up along the river bank. Behind my house is a mountain. I would ride my bike along the river to work everyday. Do you think I’m missing any opportunity to see the mountains and rivers? My home is a tourist city and I’ve grown up seeing the mountains and rivers. Now I’ve finally entered society and am doing well for myself, do you really think I want to return to see the mountains and rivers in my downtime? I’ve never seen such a flourishing city when I was little. I like the hustle and bustle of the city. I don’t want to go back to see mountains and rivers- I’ve seen enough. LYN: It’s been thirty years and I finally made it to a big city. Now you want me to go back? You’ll find that a lot of people- once they become wealthy, they want to “return to the natural state”. They’ve had enough of the luxurious meals, and now they want to go back to the simple things. But friends, I’ve had the simple things all along. I can finally eat meat, have the chance to have abalone, and you want me to go back? It doesn’t agree with my plans.

C: You’re trending. LYN: Really? :) I don’t believe. I don’t deserve it. LYN: LYN, trending? I don’t think he’s worthy. C: The Entertainment Tab. LYN: What’s wrong with that? C: #41. -- 我不配 (I’m Not Worthy) LYN: A sang a whole verse of this song just for those three words. (I’m not worthy.)

LYN: I’m trending, though? ~ Honestly, I think that being trending or not isn’t important. I think the most important thing is that if by being here streaming, I am able to bring to you some happiness. As a singer or an actor, the most important thing is to have good works for you. A trending topic is not something an artist- whether singer or actor- should be in pursuit of. You need to have truly good works, works you’ve put your heart into, works that can touch other people’s hearts- to give to everyone who supports you. That is what you, as an artist, should be pursuing. So this trending topic... is nice to have, but it’s not a big deal if I don’t. Friends, let’s let our work do the talking. ~  LYN: Who doesn’t know how to say nice things? Those are the basics, aren’t they?

bgm: Ice Paper -  夜泊秦淮 (Ye Po Qin Huai)

C: I learned. Thank you, laoshi. LYN: Are you an artist? If you aren’t then there’s no use in you learning this. Do you want to be celebrity??

- - - - - - - - - -

C: You have too many buttons. LYN: ... Okay. I’ll listen to you. Next time I’ll buy a shirt with a zipper. This shirt if full of buttons. If you think they’re too much, then from now on I’ll buy shirts with zippers. I think they exist- I’ve worn one before. LYN: Don’t think I don’t know what you’re thinking. We are just a normal stream. I am a singer/actor. This can ONLY be a normal stream. Or are you telling me that you want to see something immoral in my VERY MORAL stream?? I see right through you. I’ve already turned of the gifting option, so there’s no paid content here. I don’t try to sell you products, either. There’s no way you’re seeing any paid content.  C: No~ That’s not what we were intending. We’re just afraid that you’re hot. LYN: I have an air conditioner. It can make the room 1° in a second. I’ll turn it on blast. I don’t need you to worry. I’m not hot. Later I’m going to put on a down jacket.

C: You’re so hot that your face is protruding oil. LYN: This has nothing to do with the heat. I just have naturally oily skin. I even looked it up online: Is it bad to have oily skin? I went to look up the pros and cons. The con is that I am more likely to produce oils and accumulate sebum on my face. Now I have to advise you to use this very good selfie stick- lol. No, I’m not going to push any products on you. It’s just that if you produce too many facial oils, your pores are more likely to become blocked and get acne. But the pro is that you don’t appear to age as quickly. That’s just what I need. I only just started taking male lead roles in the past two years. I really hope I can film a few more. LYN: There were some people trying to advise me, “LYN, can you stop playing male lead roles? We can accept you playing second male lead, but not main.” I can’t make that promise. Because... I have oily skin. I want to make the most of it and shoot a few more male lead dramas while I can. Is that okay? Please, I’m begging you. Stop trying to talk me out of it. I can’t promise you on this, but maybe on other things. Like that person earlier who said that I had too many buttons- I promised them that next time I would wear a shirt with a zipper. But on not playing the male lead, I can’t promise. I’m sorry. I’m the type of person who can understand and consider everyone’s feelings, but your feelings are... not feelings but gutsy demands. [t/n: this is a play on words.] I can’t promise you.

LYN: I really did see a comment like that, though. “LYN, can you stop playing male leads? I can accept second male lead but not main. I can’t stand it. I’m throwing up.” /laughs/ When I see comments like that, friends, it makes me happy. Do you know why? This is the mindset and logic you should have in order to keep living. LYN: At the very beginning when I wanted to be a singer, people were telling me, “You’re just internet famous, what makes you think you can be a singer? What do you think you’re doing on stage competing with other singers? You’re just internet famous- go back to your streaming room.” After a few years, I’ve finally made it as a singer- something people acknowledge me as, and now I’ve gone into acting. People said, “Why are you acting? You’re just a singer- just do your jobs and sing your songs. You don’t know your limits. What are you doing trying to be an actor? Other people have studied for so many years at a performing arts school and can’t find a role. What are you, a singer, doing acting? That’s ridiculous. Just because you have some fans doesn’t mean you can be an actor.” Some time passes again. “Why are you acting as the male lead? Just stay the second male lead!” LYN: You know? Unreasonably, they are- step by step- continuing to acknowledge me. So the fact that they have already accepted me as an actor makes me very happy. LYN: No matter what industry you’re working in, you have to have a good mindset. You have to consider things from all sorts of points of view. You can’t make trouble. If you live thinking, “Why are they saying this about me? I only want to be a singer... /cries/” It won’t help you. No one will pity you. Friends, you have to learn this in your lives as well. Don’t complain. You can, but not all the time. There’s no use. Complaining all the time will only degrade you. You have to think about making a place for yourself. You have to use your brain. Make your words powerful. Move forward. Alright? - C: /tries to make a joke on the word “complain” (bào yuàn)/ LYN: You don’t perhaps think that you’re very funny, do you? I hope not.

- - - - - - - - - -

C: We’re listening to music now. LYN: Yeah. I’m your music DJ, Modern Brothers Xiao Ning.

C: How long will you stream until? LYN: I don’t know. I’ll just keep streaming and stop when I’m tired. I’ll continue to stream for now. My stream doesn’t really have specific content or fixed rules that state I have to promote something. But, I do want to recommend something to you... hold on. LYN: ! Attention, attention! We have some good news! Tomorrow, Modern Brothers Liu Yuning’s song “The Remaining Life (余生)” will be online. This song is the ending theme from the drama “Gone with the Rain” (微雨燕双飞). The broadcasting station- everyone listen up- is Youku! This song will be online tomorrow- I hope that when it’s up you all can take a listen. Thank you! ! LYN: That wasn’t too much, was it? But it’s true that I sang the OST and they paid me for it... My main thing is price:product ratio. We deal in after-sales services, here. Tomorrow the very good drama Gone with the Rain will be airing- please watch it. Back from the Brink is also still airing. If you haven’t checked that out yet, please do. 

C: Promote all of your OSTs that way in the future. LYN: I’ve always promoted them this way. You must be new here. If you want to be able to get along with people in this industry, you have to know where you can fit into the ecosystem. For me, I am good with after-sales services. All of you are consumers. You might be looking for me to sing an OST, a platform, or brand. All of them are consumers. To a consumer, what is the most important aspect of a product? The first is good quality. The second is having something you can really make use of. The last is everything that comes after- the maintenance and upkeep. The after-sales services. As long as the after-sales is done right, and customer service is done right, you will always have good business. Remember that. C: Ning-ge, you’re a 4S shop now? LYN: I’m an OST shop. Mine is different from a $s shop- as long as you maintain upkeep everything is fine. But OSTs are a single-use thing. They don’t need upkeep. The OST doesn’t come back to me to change its engine oil or brakes. I don’t need to so anything after. It’s a single-use product that you can have for a lifetime. In terms of quality, it’s a treasure. I will definitely sing it to the best of my ability- as long as I can, I will but 110% into singing it. Secondly it’s single use, but it’s not as if you can keep listening to the song and then later think that it’s no good. I want to deliver a good price:product ratio, and you never have to worry about after-sales services here.  LYN: My after-sales does not only include promotion of the song and drama during my streams, but also when I attend galas. That is, it’s entirely possible that this song will come up again during my performances. It will be repeatedly broadcast to everyone. This way, we can keep reminding people of the drama. Give them something to remember the drama by. That’s my price:product ratio.

C: How much is it to advertise? LYN: It’s free for the consumer. All after-sales is on my own dime. There’s not much expense that goes into it, I just spend a little more time talking. Honestly, it’s just money for toothpaste and toothbrush. XD Other than that, there are no other expenses. I don’t collect more fees.

C: What are your rates? LYN: I get paid for OSTs like this, friends. It’s calculated by- what’s it to you?? You’re inquiring about my worth, now? How amusing. LYN: I hate these types of people! The ones who don’t buy anything, but ask about the price first! How annoying! // If you’re not going to buy anything, don’t ask! If you’re going to buy something then just buy it. If you’re not, then why are you asking??  LYN: XD I don’t know why, suddenly I went crazy. But anyway, don’t ask- that’s a business secret, I can’t just tell you. But as to whether it’s expensive or not... I can only tell you, it’s not cheap. :)

C: A business secret? LYN: It’s not a secret. It’s just that my group and I have been working for such a long time together, plus the fact that I’m my own boss. For a lot of things, I don’t need to follow a set business practice. I’m not doing things to further my company- like accepting jobs in order to pay my employees. I haven’t reached that point because I don’t have many employees to begin with. It’s mostly just me- and I can do a lot of things at once. Like promotions- I can do 30% of the work on my own. That means I can afford to hire one person less, right? This applies to other parts of the business as well. We don’t need to accept any jobs I don’t want to in order to further development.  LYN: When I get OSTs, it goes through this process: 1. What drama is it for?, 2. What platform is it airing on?, 3. I’ll listen to the demo. Of course, the song is always the most important but I have to understand the project first. If I like the song, I’ll accept. If I don’t like it, it doesn’t matter how much they offer. It has nothing to do with the money- if I don’t like it, I just won’t accept the job. The first step is never to ask about the price. I’ve encountered companies that started off like that, but I felt that approach is very... I don’t want to comment. For the most part, people usually do not ask about the price from the start. Usually it’s introducing the project and sending a song demo. If you like it, we’ll negotiate the price. If I don’t want to accept the job in the first place, there’s no point in asking how much they can offer me.

C: They’re afraid they can’t afford you. LYN: The investment in making a drama is very huge. At the least it’s tens of millions and at the most it’s a couple billion. They’re not lacking the funds. It’s not as if a single song will break the bank.

C: Then, do you have a discount for OSTs on 6/18? LYN: Do you need a discount for my OSTs? Oh my goodness... Okay, let’s do this. There might be some video production bosses in my stream now. I have a discount on OSTs on 6/18. If you buy 300RMB’s worth, you’ll get 20RMB off. Alright? If you want OSTs, please place your orders on 6/18.  C: The second song half off. LYN: No, that’s not worth it. Each song is its own price. C: Buy 300RMB for 20% off. Can the discounts stack?  LYN: So you mean, if a song were 600RMB instead of 300RMB? If it’s 300, you get 20 off, so if a song were 600, you’d get 40RMB off? Is that what you mean? You can do that. It stacks. 

C: Ning-ge, don’t say any more. If you keep on, you’ll be at a loss. LYN: This friend is considering it from my point of view. That if I let the discount stack, then I would lose out. They’re looking out for me and letting me know I would lose profit, right? LYN: ~ Actually when I hear you say that, I’m touched. I think this friend is a really honest person. In such a chaotic world, you really need to cherish when you meet such a person. Even if I make good on my word and let you take 20RMB off of 300RMB on my OSTs, have you ever encountered such a sale in the real world... but the caveat is that they raised the original price? Then, in fact, though they are selling very many- it’s at even more expensive prices than usual, disguised as a sale. Of course, I wouldn’t do that to you. ~

- - - - - - - - - -

-- break #2 (no excuse, he just needs to use the restroom) LYN: You’re still commenting on this “spitting pies” effect, so I’ll change it for you. I have a “ghost story” effect, do you want to see it? :) LYN: But there are a lot of women in my stream, I’m afraid that they will be scared. If I put on this effect they might get so frightened they will cry. It needs to be paired with music so that you can feel the chill. Let’s play this. It’s not very frightening, don’t be scared. LYN:  It’s not as scary as you think! If it’s too scary my weibo will be in violation. I’m an old streamer already, I understand this much better than you do. It can’t be too scary- no blood or jump-scares here. The “scary” I’m talking about is not the “scary” that you are thinking of. I was just exaggerating. You need only believe 20% of what I say. LYN: Alright. Three, two, one- - /error/ LYN: It’s not supported? Why is it telling me that?? Huh? What’s happening? LYN: Oh, well. It’s not supported. This is a flop. // ?? But I tested it out today and it was working?? /clicking around/ Oh, it’s this one. It’s not scary, though.

LYN: It wasn’t scary. C: What was that? Failing eyesight? // That was it? LYN: Friends, if you’re going to be like that then I’ll do a super scary one! I’ll make you cry in fright!! Friends, I’ll show you what is truly “terrifying”! Let’s do it, I’ll play a quieter song, otherwise the mood will be wrong. Friends. Three, two- I’ll let you see the scariest thing in the world! THree, two, one! - /error/ LYN: ?! “The special effect is unsupported.” /feeling stifled/ Okay, I found one equally as scary. Let’s try again. Three, two, one!

LYN: Sorry, it flopped. The stream doesn’t support the effect. Because this is on a horizontal screen. Next time if I’m streaming vertically, I’ll show you the terror.  LYN: There are a lot of different ones I can use, though. /shows them off/

LYN: /laughs/ What IS THIS??? This one really IS terrifying. Oh my goodness...

- - - - - - - - - -

- /someone tells him he's trending, still. but only in the entertainment tab. he thanks everyone for the trending topic anyway./  LYN: I was wondering what you were talking about- I almost threw my phone. [t/n: bc they told him he was trending, but he couldn’t find it on the main page. XD]

LYN: I feel like my face is very bright. Maybe this is TOO MUCH oil. Let me find some blotting paper. This is too much. I know we were talking about oily skin types earlier but this is too much- I look greasy. LYN: Is it better now? Not as greasy? C: Ning-ge, that’s called dewy skin. LYN: No, it’s just grease. That’s how you can tell a household is wealthy. I remember a story I was told when I was little. There was someone very poor, who wanted to pass themselves off as wealthy. They would take a piece of pork lard and rub it on their face before they went out. When they went out, they could say that they had just eaten. It would make it seem as if the household was wealthy enough to eat meat. I am like that, too.

C: You haven’t changed the special effect. LYN: It’s alright. This one is plenty scary enough.

C: Ning-ge, you’ve played this song so much I know how to sing it. LYN: Come here and sing it, then. Sing. Come on, sing! I thought you knew how?? I gave you the mic, but you can’t sing it, huh. C: Connect the mic. LYN: Er... /shaky sigh/ Connecting the mic... uh... The thing is weibo streaming is not as complete on desktop. If I were streaming from my phone, we could connect- it has that capability- but the desktop doesn’t. If one day I stream from my phone, I’ll spend that whole day connecting the mic with you all. We’ll chat. We can give it a try.

C: Is that a pie, too? LYN: It’s not a pie! It’s just because when I was connecting with people before, they didn’t want to. I didn’t see the harm in it, I just wanted to get some interaction, to play. I wanted to be different from others. We can chat and communicate, because I see people connecting mics often. It’s an effect of streaming and a mood maker. There’s no reason why we can’t. But the prerequisite is that I have to connect with a “normal” person. Otherwise, it’s quite fun. Even if you aren’t my fan, you can come chat with me. It’ll make the stream more meaningful. If I happen to accidentally connect with an anti, like the type who want to curse me out- no, not those- like the kind who wants to back-talk me. I really hope I can meet someone like that. We can chat. I want to see if I can win over them, and make them my fan. LYN: I’m someone who’s really good at arguing. /laughs/ Back when I was working in the restaurant if colleagues were fighting or talking about some logic, I was amazing. It was like a debate- I could lay out all the logic for them. But it’s been many years since I last dared to fight with someone. I want to test if I am still able to. Of course, not the type of fighting by cursing, but teaching you a lesson within the realm of reason.

C: Have your skills regressed? LYN: I think they have. Because at this point a lot of things don’t matter anymore- it doesn’t matter if I win or lose. Not to say that it’s not important... it’s very unimportant. If it doesn’t concern me directly, I don’t see the need to make it a focus for my attention. There’s no meaning in that. Sometimes I might mention a topic in passing during my stream- and that’s only because they became a topic of conversation. Otherwise what else would I talk to you about? You can say that I look young. I say thank you. Then what else? LYN: I’ll talk about a lot of things during my streams, but not because I care about them- though there ARE the ones I DO care about... It’s just because they become a topic for conversation. I can turn them into jokes and tell you about them during my stream. You find it interesting, and we can have a common ground.

C: Ge, you’re trending. LYN: Someone already told me. Entertainment, #31. It’s alright. Let’s be low-key. You don’t need to promote it. Being #31 on the Entertainment Tab means that people can get jealous. (sarcasm)

LYN: Let me go grab something to drink. I left earlier and saw someone say, “I can see the princess chair again!” LYN: I’m back. I told you before, this is part of a set of chairs at the dinner table and I grabbed this one to sit on. This is a rented house, so this is all the original furniture.

LYN: Drinking coffee at this time of night is okay, right? C: You’re not going to be able to sleep. LYN: No, it’s because when you talk too much there’s too much information and it jumbles my thinking. Drinking coffee will help me focus. You’ll notice that many people do their work in a coffee shop. Did you think that they had no place else to work? There is that possibility, of course. But it’s more because the coffee can help them focus. I have to stream, so I need to focus. C: It doesn’t look like coffee though? LYN: What does it look like then, herbal medicine? I don’t have enough energy to stream, so I need to drink herbal medicine to supplement my stamina? Shan yao, dang gui, and goji?

C: Ning-ge, are your glasses magnifying? LYN: /sigh/ Do you mean to say that my eyes are so small that I’ve purposely replaced the lenses with something that will magnify and make my eyes look bigger, as a sort of physical beauty filter? To make my eyes look bigger? Is that what you mean? I can make my eyes big- they’re not always small. /opens his eyes wider/ Are they small? No. LYN: I’ve worn these glasses today to go with the rest of my outfit. It’s not because I’ve replaced them with magnifying lenses to make my eyes look bigger. That’s hurtful. You’ve hurt me. :( LYN: See, who ISN’T cyber-bullied? I was just streaming, doing nothing- not trying to sell you anything or take your money- and I’ve still been cyber-bullied. They made fun of me and said my eyes are small. Friends, cyber-bullying is a real and scary thing. I’m not kidding. LYN: ! You’re laughing?? It makes me want to sing a song... “You’ve hurt me and played it off with a laugh.” I told you it hurt me, and you’re laughing?? -- 一笑而过 (Laugh it Off) [Na Ying] C: Sing it. LYN: I want to sing something different. I want to sing something more tender. Something that can promote love. Promote positive feelings. Let’s do it.

C: Ning-ge, what is the correct way to address cyber-bullying? LYN: For this, you should go baidu it. I can’t give you a proper answer. Everyone faces it differently. I don’t have the correct answer, but I still think you need to become stronger. If you become stronger, you won’t consider it as bullying. Let’s say you’re learning martial arts and are at the top of the game and someone punches you- you’ll think nothing of it. But if you are someone who does not work out at all and someone punches you- you’re going to get knocked out. But these punches carry the same amount of force. I can’t give you a correct answer, because this depends from person to person. The only thing I can tell you is to make your heart/mind stronger. For all else, abide by the law.

-- 這世界那麼多人 (Empty World) [Karen Mok] C: So gentle you don’t seem like yourself. LYN: Do you know why I was so gentle? Because this song is in the female key. So I could only sing it an octave lower. I can’t not be gentle. If I weren’t then I wouldn’t be able to sing the song. LYN: “So gentle you don’t seem like yourself”... so does that mean that usually in your eyes I am very... callous? No, right? I still LOOK upstanding though, right?

LYN: I used to listen to very loud or noisy songs. But lately I feel I enjoy listening to slow songs more. I imagine I have a glass of red wine, just sitting there listening to slow songs. I can’t say I’m emo, but I am in a very comfortable state. That’s a different way to relax. C: That means you’ve gotten older. LYN: /laughs/ I like listening to slow and gentle songs and that means I’m getting older?? What are you talking about? The songs I’m talking about are MBY’s. Not only have you offended me, you’ve offended everyone who listen to his songs. Let me sing one of his. I didn’t go to his concert for nothing; I came back having learned a song. LYN: What does “No lyrics yet” mean??? MBY, as a singer, is popular enough (to have lyrics) isn’t he? What else do you want?? How can you tell me you don’t have the lyrics? // It’s because I’ve selected the arrangement and since that’s the case the program can’t find the lyrics.  LYN: tsk. /sigh/ Fine, I'll find the lyrics on my phone. C: Ning-ge, didn’t you say you learned it? LYN: That doesn’t mean I have to REMEMBER THE LYRICS, though?? What I meant by “learned” is that I learned the melody. I learned the melody, not how to recite the song. LYN: The lyrics: “Every morning I wake up naturally at 7:30a. The wind chimes are ringing and the clouds are light.” He wrote his own lyrics, too. How well written! -- 平凡的一天 (Ordinary Day) [Mao Buyi] LYN: It’s not because I’m getting old. Just sometimes I think that a nice and quiet song is good to listen to. Of course, I still like those noisy and loud songs. They just give a different feeling. 

C: Sing one of Xue Zhiqian’s. LYN: Do I have to sing a song from all the popular male artists now? XZQ... I really don’t know his newer songs... /ning-ge.jpg/ Also all of his songs are very difficult to sing. I’m afraid to insult his works. Let me search. I’ll sing something for fun. Everything I sing during my streams are for fun. -- 我好像在哪見過你 (I Seem to Have Seen You Somewhere) [Xue Zhiqian] LYN: /shakes his head, no/ I don’t know this one. I’ve heard it before, though. It’s been such a long time since I last sang one of his songs. I used to all the time. I really like him. But it’s been a long time... Let me find an old song that I still remember. -- 方圆几里 (Within a Few Miles) LYN: I think I can do this one. C: 刚刚好 (Just Right) LYN: Let me listen. I used to be able to sing this, but I’ve forgotten now... // I know this one. I’ll sing it. -- 刚刚好 (Just Right) (Take 1) - /sings the first couple of lines/ LYN: Oh, this song! I was bragging to you earlier that I had improved, but I actually forgot a song I used to know before! Excuse me. I’ve sung this before, on a show. Let’s try that again. -- 刚刚好 (Just Right) (Take 2) LYN: It’s been such a long time since I sang this song. I suddenly remembered that I’ve sung it before. So... oh. But it’s already been 5 years since then. Thank you, XZQ-laoshi.

C: I’m dizzy now because of your swaying. LYN: If you’re going to say that, then I have no choice but to turn your words back on you. You’re getting old. What if one day we meet up at an amusement park. If you’re already dizzy after this bit of swaying, then you won’t be able to enjoy any rides with me. Your ticket will go to waste.

LYN: Now let’s find one of Zhou Shen-laoshi’s songs. I said in a stream before, that I would never sing one of ZS or Wu Qingfeng’s songs again. Their songs, to me, have it out for my life. I really can’t sing them. We don’t sing the same type of songs. I really can’t do it. But today, I want to give it a try. Friends, wait for me. I’ll go to the restroom and come back and then find a song to fight for my life with. I’ll find a very high song and lower it an octave to sing. - /singing Big Fish, but kinda scarily XD/ LYN: He’s singing about big fish in the ocean, but we’re talking about fish in the deep sea. He’s on top of the water, but I’m on the ocean floor. Where there are lantern fish. Deep pressure.

LYN: Let me play a video for you. I think I’m running out. I don’t have any new ones to play for you. Later I’ll download some more. Make do for now. Wait for me. -- break #3

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LYN: Alright, I’m back. C: Sing one of WQF’s.  LYN: Later I’ll pick one to try. Of course, I did see the comment telling me to sing my own songs. I’ll sing them, but I’m sure that my fans always hear my songs and are used to them. The other thing is, I just sing for fun in my streams. I’m not here to show off myself. I’m not here trying to gain OST work by showing you what I’ve got. My stream is here for company. I want to sing, play, and chat with you. That’s all there is to it. You don’t need to make it too complicated. No matter whose songs I sing, it’s a show of respect, right? It proves that I listen to and like their songs. Right? I’m paying my respects. The original will always be yyds, of course. So.. this is just for entertainment. LYN: Keep me company. It’s a... Tuesday night. We can play and have some fun. Let me find one of ZS’s songs... I’ll see if it has a track. -- 光亮 (Silver Lining) LYN: /misses the timing to start/ Is it really in such a high key?? This is too high, isn’t it? I was listening to the beginning chords and going over the key in my head. It’s already... up high. // Let me try lowering it an octave.  LYN: ... LYN: How about this- for the places I CAN sing in the normal key, I will. Once it gets too high I’ll switch to a lower octave. This is one method... Let’s try. -- 光亮 (Silver Lining)

C: WQF-laoshi. LYN: I’m honestly a little afraid.

C: Then, Zhang Jie-laoshi’s. LYN: All of his songs pretty such send me to the grave. His high notes are really so high. High notes are not my main thing. My main thing is the /starts singing the more rock-genre ‘爷们要战斗 (Men Fight)’/ Me and high notes go in opposite directions. LYN: 最美的太阳 (Most Beautiful Sun). Let me try it. // There’s no track for it. In this case... his copyrights are tight. C: 天下 (The World) LYN: Didn’t I sing that last time and my voice cracked? I can’t do it all. Remember, it went to my head? Someone had requested it the last time and, not knowing my limits, I tried. It got me worked up. I’ll try it. I’ll sing you a part of it. When it gets too much, I’ll stop. -- 天下 (The World) /stops right before the chorus/ C: Keep going! LYN: Uh.. it seems like you’re cheering me on. I just felt a sliver of support, then. LYN: Friends, there’s a saying that goes “见好就收” (quit while you’re ahead). People can’t be too greedy. If you continue... C: Lower it an octave. LYN: /laughs/ - /picks it up at the chorus; he did it!/ LYN: It goes straight to my head. I got worked up again. C: It’s okay. You can do it. LYN: Honestly, I CAN sing this song now. I just didn’t do it well, because I wanted to show you a comedy. Someone just cheered me on, again. Let me see if I can push through and get this song finished. - /finishes it up/ LYN: I did my best.

LYN: Men- we always try to look tough. But we all know who’s really suffering, don’t we?

C: Sing it through from the start. LYN: I really can’t stand when people cheer me on. If you’re going to be like that, then I’m going to stop streaming. I’m going to sleep. Stop provoking me.

C: Can you see the comments clearly? LYN: I can. Do you think I’ve sung so much that I’m lacking oxygen and can’t see clearly? No, I’m fine.

C: Ning-ge, 左手指月 (Upwards to The Moon). LYN: HAHAHAHAHA. Upwards to the Moon? Um.. .why don’t I just take my head off and give it to you? You’re asking for my life here, aren’t you? I’ll just give it to you. Is that not enough?? My head is yours. Upwards to the Moon... C: Ning-ge, let’s do an octave lower. LYN: You saw right through me. -- 左手指月 (Upwards to The Moon) LYN: Friends, here’s an interesting thing. I can’t even sing it with it lowered an octave. I can’t even sing it on a lower octave. Think about the concept of that. Let me try again. If nothing else, I’ll go all out. - /tries again/ LYN: This song hurts. Singing this song makes me feel like I hurt a lot. It’s not a physical pain, but a mental pain. Ahhh~~! Just these few words- you feel an inexplicable pain. LYN: Very painful. Excruciating pain. LYN: Alright, it;s not worth it. Let’s forget it. C: Bro, forget it. LYN: Are you calling me out?! LYN: I really don’t need to do this to myself. It’s enough already.

C: Ning-ge, you still have to record for your album tomorrow. LYN: Tomorrow... I’m not recording for my album. I have other work, tomorrow.

C: A Mayday song. LYN: Let me see if there’s a track. -- 夜訪吸血鬼 (Interview with the Vampire) LYN: This accompaniment is too noisy. :| But I really like this song. - /thinks of a different song/ -- 你不是真正的快樂 (You Are Not Truly Happy) LYN: I don’t really know it. So... I’ll stop singing it. C: Watching you sing this makes me really happy. LYN: I am very happy, but You Are Not Truly Happy.

LYN: I see you spamming “十年人间” (Shi Nian Ren Jian/DMBJ), but I really don’t know how to sing that song. I’ve heard it, but I don’t know how to sing it. Maybe if there’s a chance the next time I’ll sing it, then.

C: 黑夜一束光 (Praying) LYN: I won’t sing it now because I’ll have a performance in a few days that I’ll be singing it at. In order to leave you with some sense of “freshness”, I’ll save it for my performance. LYN: I’ve gone through all my songs and none of them really have that bright/positive feeling. I’ve mostly sung OSTs, so the majority are emotional songs. Those songs aren’t suitable to sing for particular occasions. I wouldn’t sing “你說愛情啊 (You Say Love)” at a school. Would I be encouraging them to start dating?? That’s not very uplifting. I’ll go to a school and sing 余生只想握紧你的手 (I Want to Hold Your Hand for the Rest of My Life)?? LYN: 意气趁年少 (Be Earnest While You’re Young) will work. It’s more positive, because it centers around learning. There’s a youthful feel, too. -- 意气趁年少 (Be Earnest While You’re Young)

C: Sing 初升 (Rising). LYN: I really haven’t sung this one before. Let me see if there’s a track. // There isn’t. /searches again/ There is. I’ve never sung it live before. Let me give it a try. If I crack then it does not represent my real ability- because this is my own song. -- 初升 (Rising) [Gen Z OST] C: You’ve crushed the original singer. LYN: Em, that’s overpraise. I AM the original singer. This is the theme song for the drama Gen Z. It’s a character song, and my first time singing it live.

- - - - - - - - - -

C: 云字诀 (Yun Zi Jue). LYN: I might not be able to sing it in my current condition. /searches for the track/ I can sing you MXT’s version? Oh, it’s the same version. Then, I’ll sing it. -- 云字诀 (Yun Zi Jue) [The Ingenious One OST] - /messes it up. starts over with the excuse he didn’t turn on the special sound effects/ LYN: Later I need to find someone to get these pictures on Kugou Music changed. What IS THIS??

LYN: I’ve already done Thermage treatment and don’t look like this anymore. ^

LYN: Change this picture out. What the heck. Look at these beady and small eyes and eyeliner. I can’t stand it. ^

LYN: This one’s okay. It looks like this fellow is emo. He’s a little depressed. Look at his eyes, full of gloom. His face is chubby, too. ^

LYN: Look at this. This is worse. Look at how big this face is. Oh, my goodness. He looks so bloated. Is your name “Liu Fu Zhong”?? Look at this face. ^

LYN: This one is okay. This one is good. He’s got a good jawline. This one doesn’t look as bad. It’s good. ^

LYN: This is from my concert three years ago. I’m waiting for the audience, looking worried that I won’t have many fans in attendance. ^

 LYN: This one was taken in the early days, when I was in a better condition. We took a whole set of “business” photos. ^

LYN: Look at this one. This one doesn’t want to live anymore. Pretending to be depressed, using his hand to hold up his head. In reality, the head is empty. Look at this guy- head empty. ^

LYN: This one is okay. It’s more recent. I look a little more lively, at least. You can see just a little bit of handsomeness on this face.  ^

LYN: This is also more recent. But at that time I was a little chubby. Look at this big face. It’s even this big AFTER the picture was shopped. Think about what it would look like if it weren’t?? ^

LYN: THIS you can say was when I was at my peak visuals. I took this photo as part of a set for a magazine; there was also a video. This was probably the peak of my visuals. I took these when The Long Ballad was airing. ^

LYN: This is okay. Also more recent. Golden-haired. The Disney look. It was pretty lively. ^ 

LYN: There’s no problem with this one. I think it’s okay. This was a while ago. You can see- his eyes are different. There’s something there. ^

LYN: This one’s a fool. /laughs/ Look at this fool. Look at these eyes. They sure are open wide. Open but soulless. This guy doesn’t have a clue what’s going on. ^

LYN: This is- kind/a little foolish with a side of wandering. He looks youthful, with hopes for the future. ^

LYN: This one is.. more mature. This was taken for the Jiangsu New Year’s event. You can say I was a mature artist by then. I do have eyeliner here, but not as “deadening”. ^

LYN: This one is.. pretending to be young. This should have been for the New Year.. otherwise I wouldn’t be wearing red. But I did look more refined. ^

LYN: This one... has some after-editing. Why do these just keep scrolling? This one is quite nice, though. Curly hair. Hong Kong-style. (?) ^

LYN: This one... he has a stick! Pretending to be Sun Wukong, or what?? At this point, he already has the eyes of an actor. They’re not like the one before, with nothing in them. ^

LYN: This is... over-edited. It’s.. too much. ^

LYN: This one was not too long ago! I look a little... chubbier, here. Look at this baozi-face. ^ LYN: Oh, we came back around. This is the worst one (the first one). LYN: Alright. LYN: /sigh/ LYN: Let’s sing a song. It’s called 云字诀 (Yun Zi Jue). -- 云字诀 (Yun Zi Jue) [The Ingenious One OST] [The Ingenious One OST] LYN: Thanks, everyone. This song is quite nice. I pretty much liked it after my first listen.

- - - - - - - - - -

C: I want to hear a Cantonese song. LYN: Don’t rush. Ehm... hold on a minute. Let me go grab something more to drink. I’ll sing for you after I come back. I’m running out of videos to show you, though. Because honestly this stream is running a bit long. I don’t have enough. You can watch it again. Wait for me while I get some water.  -- break #3.5 LYN: I’m back. Hold on, hold on. Let me find a song... (Stay with Me)

C: Where’s Daimi? LYN: She’s sleeping, don’t disturb her. She doesn’t have any schedule today. Let’s not disturb her. Let her sleep. Later, when she wakes up, I’ll call her over.

C: Did you see the ZY wrap trailer? LYN: What are you talking about? Of course I saw it. I acted in it, would I not go watch it? I’ve seen all the trailers for things I’ve acted in. It’s nice. I think in a few days there’ll be... no, never mind. I was just going to say there would be more content out in a short while. It’s a drama we spent several months working on, so I hope you can take a look when it comes out. LYN: Of course, YNGS as well- you have to watch. - /recites his lines from the trailer/ LYN: I remember it, because I only have so many. C: I support Ning Yuanzhou being abducted by aliens in the end. LYN: Have to taken a peek at the script? I admit it- at the end NYZ is taken away by aliens. The ending is a big suspense. He’s fighting with someone and in the very end, when it looks like he is about to win, a flash of light crosses the sky. A UFO appears and takes NYZ away. Why does it end like this? In preparation for a second season. The first part is called “Yi Nian Guan Shan”; the second part is called “Yi Nian Kai He”. Close (Guan) to Open (Kai). Mountain (Shan) to River (He). In the second season called YNKH- the UFO comes back in the first episode. NYZ has amnesia.  C: “Er Nian Guan Shan” is easier to remember. C: “Yi Nian Guan Si”. LYN: What is that?? If the first part is called “Yi Nian Guan Shan”, then the second should be “Er Nian Guan Shan.” The third part is “San Nian Guan Shan”. If we make it all the way to season 11, would it be called “Shi Yi Nian Guan Shan”? LYN: We should call it “Yi Nian Guan Qi” (Guan Qi, the character from SYXSSYX, who was “abducted by aliens”). C: Negotiating more scenes for yourself in a second season? LYN: No- our screenwriter is Zhang Wei-laoshi. She likes to use people’s names, and she has her own “Zhang Wei Universe.” I don’t mean any disrespect. It’s just that a lot of her male characters across stories have a connection to each other. The detailed people will have found out. If you watch her dramas you’ll find that some names appear across the universes. For example our drama will mention the name of a character in a different one of her dramas. What was the name of the male lead in A Dream of Splendor? I think it was Gu Qianfan, right? In this drama, my name is Yuanzhou. Qianfan and Yuanzhou- don’t you think there has to be some relation there? [t/n: part of a common saying] LYN: We’re all part of Zhang Wei-laoshi’s written universe. It’s possible that when she writes a script in the future, there will be a character called Ning Yuanzhou in it. The other day she posted something to her friend circle- I think it might have been at the wrap party and she complimented me! I forgot exactly what she said, at the time I had a bit to drink. But I promised her that if he character Ning Yuanzhou ever showed up in another one of her works, I wouldn’t just let it be a name on a page- I would come to act for her. I would cameo for her, as long as she continues to write and write about NYZ. - /fan makes a side comment asking about how much he drank.how many dishes he has to eat/ LYN: So, friends. Don’t think that I am being unfair only to you. Because I don’t exclusively makes “pies” for you, either. I have nothing against you, that I make “empty promises”. Don’t assume that just because ZW-laoshi is a very amazing screenwriter that I won’t make “pies” for her, too. No- all are treated equal. // After this story, do you feel more at ease? I’m not only like this to you. I make pies for other laoshis to eat, too. XD LYN: But if she ever comes to look for me, I really do have to go. How could I not?? But... I’ll probably have something else going on when that time comes. I might have something else to do... but it’s not for sure! If she asks me, I have to make the time. I have to make good on my promise.

C: You drank four cans already. LYN: It’s not four. I probably have more... Oh. It is four! You got me. Four, and a can of coffee.  LYN: Why are you keeping track of how many cans I’m drinking?? Are you going to take these to recycle? Should I mail them to you? C: You’ll get water swollen. LYN: What are you talking about? It’s a food thing to drink plenty of water. I don’t care about being bloated; I’m not going to be on camera tomorrow anyway. It’s fine. C: Give me the cans. I’ll sell them for money. LYN: Okay. Pay the postage yourself. I’ll send you these four cans, but pay the postage. C: The sugar content is high. LYN: No- this is just carbonated water. There’s no sugar/flavor. It’s just water.

C: The rising star of 2023- is that you? LYN: What an interesting question. I don’t get what you mean. From your language, I hear a story. That is, one day, you were surfing the internet when you inexplicably came across a fortune telling stream. The host posted an article that read, “In 2023, in this industry, there will be a rising star. A superstar will appear in the year of 2023.” They might have seen something like that, Am I right? Isn’t this story very complete? I extrapolated it out of just a few words. They probably saw someone post something like that. And then, in that moment, they thought that this prediction was describing me. They saw me streaming and they thought that they could see a purple aura from me. LYN: Look, I have lights here. So this friend thought, “Is it you?” Here’s the thing- I hope it is. If you ask me, of course I would hope its about me. Everyone wants to climb to the peak, right? But I’m guessing this “rising star” isn’t me. There are all sorts of highly skilled people are are just on the verge of popularity- why don’t you go ask them? It’s probably not me. You can go and ask them. I’m not- go ask someone else. LYN: I want to keep both feet on the ground, because I’m tall. If I climb too fast it might be too unstable. I’ll keep both feet on the floor- take it one step at a time to try one thing after another. I want to accumulate my viewers and their interests, and accumulate my own experience. That’s my path. Let’s not mess with any “rising stars.” LYN: Many stars pass in the blink of an eye. They’re shooting stars. So.. I don’t want to be a star. I’ll be... a little white rabbit. LYN: Now I want to gift you with a nice song. -- 感覺自己是巨星 (Think I’m a Superstar) [Mao Buyi] LYN: /to the tune of the song/ ~ Superstar, superstar we love you. Quickly, listen to us give you “rainbow farts” (excessive compliments). In our eyes, you’re the youngest. ~ LYN: So, friends. I would like to bear witness to exactly who this “rising star” is together with you. Who will it be? Let’s anticipate it! I’m also very curious! Let’s find out who it will be.

- - - - - - - - - -

- /Daimi barking/ LYN: Why are you being so mean? What do you have to be angry about? LYN: She’s awake. - /gives her the mic/ LYN: Weren’t you barking earlier? Come on, say something. Sing.

C: The rising star is Daimi. LYN: Are you talking about her? Let’s hope so. LYN: Once I said “rising star” she got angry- I mean- she woke up. I hope my female artist can be popular. 

- /Daimi, licking his arm/ LYN: Enough of that! She keeps licking me. -/Daimi tries to lick him again/ LYN: ! Do you want me to stop streaming? You’re trying to get me to stop, is that it? Okay, I understand. Sorry, friends. I need to stop streaming now because Daimi was pushing my hand away. She doesn’t want me to stream anymore. She doesn’t want me to stream- she’s about to eat my mouse. - /Daimi tries to lick his hand again/ LYN: Tsk. That’s enough...  - /makes her wave/

- /dancing/ - /promptly puts her on the floor/ LYN: /to Daimi/ Go play, go play. Don’t bother me. It’s time to work.

- - - - - - - - - -

C: Ning-ge, could you wish me well on my exam? LYN: Of course I can. I hope that tomorrow, or all of this week- everyone who is preparing to take the NCEE is in good spirits and can have a good result. Let’s amaze the world with one brilliant feat and reach for the stars. - /had said the proverb wrong, initially/ LYN: Excuse me. See- this is what an uncultured person will do. They’ll say the wrong thing. People who haven’t taken the NCEE will mis-read the phrasing. - /makes up for it by saying a bunch more (correctly)/

C: Ning-ge, could you bless me with passing the 16th level (?)? LYN: Am I a tortoise? Is my stream a wishing well? And I am the tortoise in that pond? You’ve come to me with your wishes? Then, why aren’t you throwing me any money? You should at least leave an offering, before making a wish. This is just... forceful wishing. What you’re doing is taking game money to throw into the pond, to trick me. LYN: I’m sure you’ll pass. Do well on the test! LYN: In order to become the “Rising Star of 2023″ like mentioned earlier, from now on I will change my name. I’ll be Liu Ziwei. Don’t call me Liu Yuning anymore. From now on I will be known as Liu Ziwei.

LYN: Friends, how many of you are watching my stream for the first time? How may of you are first-timers? If this is your first time watching or if you don’t watch often, you can subscribe to my weibo. I am Modern Brothers Liu Yuning. Here’s the thing with my streams- most of the time I’m speaking nonsense. Don’t take anything to heart and don’t fall for any tricks. If you take this too seriously then it becomes meaningless. That just proves that you are too innocent. Only believe about 20% of what I say here. Most of the time I will use an amusing or joking delivery to communicate with my fans and make the people who maybe don’t necessarily hate me stay a while. Just listen to my stream for entertainment. Don’t fall for what I say. Okay? I’m not capable of teaching you any lessons or opinions. Just listen for entertainment. C: Before you told us to believe 30% of what you said. How did it dwindle to only 20%? LYN: /sigh/ It used to be that I wasn’t very strict with what I said, so it ended up that people had a lot to hold against me. I was ridiculed for my words. Though it might not have been my intention, I was honestly too careless with what I said. So now my game plan is to say more nonsense and avoid more... sensitive topics. It’s fine as long as you are okay and I am okay, and everyone is happy. 

C: Will you sing a Cantonese song? LYN: I don’t know very many. Let me sing this for you. -- 无赖 (Rascal) [Ronald Cheng] LYN: Listen for entertainment. I’m a North-easterner, after all. My Cantonese is very poor. I know that. So.. it’s for fun. Someone earlier said “You’re Cantonese is skewing!” I don’t know what they meant by that, but probably that my pronunciation was off. It’s alright. 

LYN: Let me think... what other Cantonese songs do I know? What else do I know...? C: Once you start speaking the Dongbei dialect comes out. LYN: What else did you expect?

C: I’m a Cantonese person. I can say, it sounded very nice! LYN: You really are clever at speaking. “I’m a Cantonese person, I can say it sounded very nice... but it wasn’t accurate.”

C: First Love. LYN: Oh~ -- 初恋 (First Love)

C: I’m going to throw up. (bc of the video and swaying) LYN: Your age...? Forget about you- I’M a little nauseous. LYN: Is my stream over-trying to be cool? It’s slightly over. LYN: This is too eye-searing, yeah? Okay. Let’s stick with this effect for the... “middle-aged”.

LYN: I thought of a song just now. I REALLY really like it. -- 一生所爱 (Lifelong Love)  LYN: If there’s a chance later I’ll sing it properly for you. I don’t really have much strength left, today.

- /Daimi barks/ LYN: :| What are you barking at?

-- 倩女幽魂 (A Chinese Ghost Story)

LYN: That’s about it. It’s about time, friends. Thank you for keeping me company and for your support. I told you I would stream until you threw up. In terms of length, today’s stream didn’t let you down, did it? I accidentally saw a little earlier, how long I’ve streamed for. Right now it’s... four hours and thirty-five minutes. C: Don’t go! Don’t! LYN: I’ve been streaming for four and a half hours. That’s not a small amount. If i keep streaming /I’M/ going to throw up. You’re over there lying on your bed and snacking on melon seeds, but I’ve been over here yelling and singing, moving my mouth for four and a half hours! Now you’re telling me you don’t want me to go?? I’m going to throw up! I’m not streaming until you throw up, I’m streaming until /I/ feel like throwing up, now. Do you think you’re the only one who sees that violently shaking video and gets dizzy? I get dizzy too! I’m older in age- you all know that. C: You still turn it on, even though it makes you dizzy? LYN: I just wanted to give you the best experience in such a simple stream, didn’t I?? I didn’t want you to feel like I was just sitting in a room. I wanted to give you some stage effects, so that you can immerse yourself. I do this all so you can feel included- even this laugh sound. It’s all so you can immerse yourself in this room and the mood. Even though I’ve made myself nauseous- I still have to power through and stream for you. It’s all for the immersive experience, is that not enough??

LYN: It’s about time. If you still haven’t subscribed to my weibo, please do so. I am Modern Brothers Liu Yuning. I thank you all for keeping me company and for watching my stream. Even if you’ve only been watching for thirty minutes or if you’ve been here from the start. I thank you. I hope to see you in the next one, alright? I hope you had a relaxing, wonderful, and happy night. It was great to have you and I hope you had fun. See you next time! Goodnight, everyone!

[evening-rose-309]

to not spoil it, they quietly killed off the ncr for absolutely no reason and made the BOS victors for some reason.

house is not dead, but for majority fucked over at the battle of the hoover dam. how it is not stated yet.

but you’re pretty much correct everything else, so real “let’s wipe the slate clean bullshit”.

Of course he lost the dam.

The NCR was the main force behind Hoover Dam's acquisition in the first place, wrenching it out from under Caesar at the last second when Hanlon and the Rangers pulled their hail mary.

Without the Bear of the West, the Three Families probably defected into Caesar or fell to the Legion or just straight up deserted House once they realized a couple hundred tanks on tricycles would never be able to stand up to the Several Thousand Trained Berserkers that make up Caesar's Legion by year 2277.

I'm just curious as to what the Tin Can Buffoons will do to him when they find him. Or if he's made contact with Boston yet as his own last stand hail mary, though that part's purely wishful thinking.

[bleachposting]

OSHI NO KO LITERALLY GOT ME LIKE WHAT THE FUCK

[circesastro]

Circe’s Astro Observation #1

Note: I am not professional astrologer so please take these observations with a grain of salt. These are just my own observations, ideas, thoughts and theories. This is just for entertainment purposes.

**All photos are from Pinterest**

✿ Cancer risings celebrities are often being linked with the "mother" reputation. Ex: Angelina Jolie, and Ateez's Seonghwa

✿ Aries Mars with Capricorn tend to either be super organized or impulsive/hasty. But one thing about these individuals, they will always get things DONE 😤.

✿ If you observe k-pop idols' mars signs, it shows their dance style. Ex: Aespa's Karina is a Taurus Mars who dances in a very elegant and sensual way and keeps her energy consistent. Stray Kids's Hyunjin has an Aries Mars and he has a burst of energy that occurs throughout the performance but tend to get tired more easily. Another example of Aries Mars and Taurus Mars is NCT Dream's Jeno and NCT Dream's Jisung.

✿ Men with Earth sun, tend to come from wealthy families too...

✿ What is it with Scorpios with tattoos?

✿ I've seen so many gorgeous Aries placement woman that are underrated when it comes to beauty posts. Ex: Rihanna, Angelina Jolie, Bae Irene, Madison Beer, Audrey Hepburn...the list goes on and on

✿ People with Pluto/Lilith/Scorpio in 4th house tend to have complicated relationship with their mother

✿ Question, what is it with cap moons having bad relationship with their mother?

✿ Also Cap Moon mother tend to be workaholic

✿ Libra Mars and their anger issues...

✿ Since we're on the topic of Libra Mars, can we talk about how many libra mars there are in the C-Entertainment industry? Like everytime I look up a c-celebrity a Libra mars pop up. Its a requirement at this point 😭. Actually detrimental mars in general is dominating the C-Entertainment industry. Ex: Xiao Zhan, Wang Yibo, Dylan Wang, Zhao Liying, Yang Yang, etc are all libra mars just to list a few and then there's Bai Lu (Cancer Mars), Angelababy (Taurus Mars), the list goes on and on and on.

✿ Virgo MC tend to get nitpicked by the public so much that their names are always mentioned. Ex: Kim Kardashian, Blackpink's Jennie, Taylor Swift, etc.

✿ A lot of idols tend to have 11th house placements (Ex: Seventeen's Hoshi, S.Coups and Dino have 11th house stellium, Twice's Nayeon have Sun in 11th, Verivery's Yongseung also have 11th house stellium.)

[astrosky33]

FAME OBSERVATIONS

☆ .┊Having your Sun in the 7th house can indicate marrying someone famous yes, but it’s also a big fame indication in general since the Sun rules over attention/spotlight and the 7th house rules over attraction. You can attract lots of fame with this placement -> Ex: Ariana Grande

☆ .┊People with the Uranus in the 10th house are more likely to meet a lot of celebrities, be friends with celebrities, or have connections with fame. This is because Uranus rules over friends/connections and the 10th house rules over fame as well as public figures

☆ .┊Cardinal signs are major trendsetters and often start a lot of fashion trends

☆ .┊Asteroid Bathseba in the 10th house or at 17° is a big fame indication as it can indicate gaining attention from a large amount of people that haven’t met you -> code: 592

☆ .┊Sun in the 6th house in your MC Persona Chart can indicate the entertainment industry/being famous is a main theme in your career -> Ex: Marilyn Monroe

☆ .┊The Chart Ruler in your Post Asteroid Persona Chart can show what posts you can gain the most popularity from - asteroid code: 89903 -> Ex: Charli Damelio’s chart ruler in her post persona chart is in the 7th house which is the house that rules over dancing

MASTERLIST - PATREON - FAME READINGS

© 𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐤𝐲 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟑 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐞𝐝

[jupiitersreturn]

Astrocartography Observations Part One: Sun, Venus, Mercury, Mars, Jupiter.

(Disclaimer: A lot of Astrologers use different orbs of measurements for Astrocartography. My limit is 200 km because I have seen lines that have influences up to that point, and depending on the planet, sometimes more.)

Planets:

Sun: Fame, Happiness, Vitality, Children.

Moon: Home, Roots, Family, Nostalgia.

Venus: Love, Beauty, Luxury, Desires.

Mercury: Lower Education, Communication, Knowledge, Friendships.

Mars: Passions, Action, Pain, Anger.

Jupiter: Luck, Higher Education, Religion, Beliefs.

Saturn: Karma, Restrictions, Discipline, Commitments.

Uranus: Unpredictability, Innovation, Rebellion, Technology.

Neptune: Illusions, Dreams, Spirituality, Intuition.

Pluto: Destruction, Transformations, Deaths and Rebirths.

Where your Sun lines are running through are places that you could gain or increase your fame or societal standing. And depending on the Angle of the Sun(DC, AS, MC, IC) it can also tell you what exactly it is that gives you that happiness.

☆ Despite being the daughter of a US Navy Pilot, Priscilla Presley gained her fame from being married to famous musician Elvis Presley. They got married at the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. Priscilla has her Sun DC line running through Las Vegas. Sun rules fame, DC rules partnerships.

☆ Blake Lively has her Sun MC line running through London, where she has expressed her love for on numerous occasions, AND where she has made meaningful connections with other celebrities that has contributed to her social status and public persona. (MC)

☆ David Beckham has his Sun IC line running through Miami and although he retired from soccer in 2013, he maintained and even increased his societal standing when he became the co-owner of the Inter Miami CF.

☆ Interestingly enough, Blake Lively also has her Sun, Venus, AND Mars MC lines running directly through London, which is a place that she loves to go and feels happy at (Sun). A few months ago, she and her partner (Venus) bought a house in London to live in while he finishes up his filming of the Deadpool Franchise (Sun MC) which is an action movie (Mars).

☆ Perrie Edwards has her Sun DC line running through London and she gained fame (Sun) from her role as 1/4 of the girl group Little Mix (DC)

Where your Mars lines are running through are places that you could experience or be subject to hate, pain (physical, mental, and emotional), and anger.

☆ Victoria Beckham's Mars AS line runs through Madrid. When her husband David Beckham transferred from Manchester United to Real Madrid, they moved to Madrid. Victoria Beckham was singled out for hating Spain due to her remark of Spain smelling like Garlic and giving off a terrible scent. This one phrase basically ruined her life in Spain as the hate against her lasted for up to 4 years. She has said that it was the most unhappy she has ever been in her life.

☆ David Beckham has his Mars AS line running through Rio De Janeiro. In 2014 he was under a lot of fire from Brazilian locals after being accused of indirectly causing the prices of favelas to increase after buying a "slum-house" for $1M allowing gentrification to ensue.

☆ Charli D'Amelio's Mars MC is going straight through the center of the United States. We all know how disliked/hated she is amongst people in the United States. And with this being her MC line, it makes sense that the hate is largely due to and greatly affects her public persona and the way that she is portrayed by media.

☆ Monica Lewinsky has her Mars DS line running through California which we all know is Fame Headquarters (Hollywood). She was a hot topic in the entertainment industry and subject to a fuck ton of scrutiny and hate for a long time due to her intimate relationship with former president Bill Clinton (DS).

Where Your Venus lines are at, could be potential places that you may meet your life partner or long term relationships, and the lines that pass through it could tell you the circumstances.

☆ Blake Lively has her Sun AS, Mars AS, AND her Venus AS lines touching New Orleans. She met her Husband of 11 years in New Orleans (Venus rules Love) while shooting an Action Movie (Sun rules Movies and Fame, Mars rules Action)

☆ Victoria Beckham has her both her Venus MC and Jupiter MC lines going through London. She met her husband of over 20 years in London. Additionally, the Midheaven or Medium Coeli is the highest point of your chart and represents your Public Image and Success. The Beckham's are known to be one of Hollywood's longest standing marriages and have created a household name for themselves propelling both of them in their careers and future prospects. (Jupiter MC)

☆ (Also, I just thought this was interesting) Victoria Beckham had her start in the entertainment industry as a member of The Spice Girls. Her stage name was Posh Spice (Venus) which defined her Public Image (MC).

Where your IC lines are, could indicate your ancestry, or where and how you grew up or experienced your early life at.

☆ Selena Quintanilla's Saturn IC line runs through Mexico and she is Mexican. Although she became the biggest Mexican-American music artist in her 20's, when she was younger she had no connection to her Mexican ancestry (IC). She had to learn about her ancestry, AND learn Spanish before she was able to be labeled a Mexican American music artist. (Saturn represents restrictions and delays)

☆ Nicole Kidman's Mercury IC line runs through Ireland, and she has openly talked (Mercury) about her Irish ancestry (IC)

☆ Perrie Edwards has her Mercury DS line running through Scotland and she has Scottish ancestry.

☆ Hailey Bieber has her Mercury IC line running through Brazil. She has Brazilian ancestry as her mother is Brazilian.

☆ Charli D'Amelio has her Mercury IC line touching Italy. She is of Italian Descent on her fathers side.

Where your Jupiter lines are, could indicate where and how you experience luck.

☆ Charlize Theron has her Jupiter MC line running through California and it was there that she was discovered by a Hollywood agent while getting into an altercation with a bank teller.

☆ Anya Taylor Joy has her Jupiter DC line running through London which is where she was disocvered while walking her dog.

☆ Justin Bieber has his Jupiter AS line running through Canada which is where he was discovered by Scooter Braun completely by chance as he clicked on the wrong Youtube video and Justin's video came up.

[sky-kiss]

Imagine Raphael giving you to Haarlep to cycle between edging and overstim for a day + aftercare. The next day Raphael puts you in suspension bondage and occasionally walks up while he is reading to play with your still raw and over sensitive clit/cock.

Plucking, stroking, teasing until your voice breaks. Then he walks away, licking his fingers.

A/N: I MEAN. HERE’S THE THING. Nothing I write is going to be able to touch that. But I will try. Hopefully you like it. Hiding sin under gif.

Raph x Haarlep x Reader (GN): HAHA I'M IN DANGER

___

He gives you to Haarlep to "rest." 

Of course, he smiles as he says it, eyes glittering specks of hellfire. He waves you away with a small smile and a pat on the ass. Raphael's good little toy, obedient and deserving a touch of kindness after hours at the devil's mercy. Every muscle in your body aches in the most delicious way, fingerprints emblazoned across your hips, shallow abrasions across your belly. Your throat is a ruin of kiss-sucked bruises. Precisely how he likes you, his pretty canvas.  

But you're tired. You need the rest. Haarlep coos to you, hands feathering over your hair. They touch and tease, massaging out the aching muscles in your lower back. The incubus always promises you the sweetest things, a whisper of affection as they settle between your thighs. 

It's "rest" only in the loosest sense of the word. You whine, hands clenching in the sheets. Sometimes, it's their mouth on you. It's an irresistible game, building you to a dizzying high only to pull back and leaving you wanting and cold. Up and up until you're left raw, a live wire sparking in the overheated air. You beg them to let you come. 

Haarlep always agrees. But a devil's acquiescence is rarely without cost. They stuff you full of cock, riding you until you're too hoarse to scream. They order you to come for them, laughing, bright, loud, and cruel. A hand fists in your hair, turning your face into the mattress. 

"Oh, my love, you asked for this, no?" He leans over you, licking up your spine. "Begged to come. Called me cruel! Wicked Haarlep!" You whimper. His right-hand snakes around your throat, squeezing and pulling you back against his chest. The incubus nips the shell of your ear, dragging the lobe between his teeth. "Scream for me, won't you? You can still do that much." 

You try. They make sure you try. But Haarlep is an industrious creature capable of making their own entertainment. After they've come, they flip you onto your back, moving you like their little doll. It's back to teeth and tongue, licking his mess clean, stroking you. It's too much. Pleasure and heat, spiraling until you think you'll black out. 

And the sweetest thing is that whenever you awaken, Haarlep is there, still toying with your body—building and breaking, building and breaking, over and over. 

One of them must hang you. You don't remember, blissed out, boneless. Raphael loves to display you like this: hanging near his desk, an art piece to observe at his leisure. The chains chafe a little, but you know that irritation will be dealt with after. For now, you enjoy the reprieve. There are no hands on you for the first time in what feels like days. 

"Did you enjoy your reprieve, mouse?" Raphael smiles at you, almost gentle, almost fond. There are so many possibilities, and your brain is too addled to parse any of them. He leans back in his seat, hands folded over his belly. "Haarlep lamented your performance. Uninspired, they called it." The cambion chuckles at this, humming. "But the results." 

He holds his arms out wide, smirking. Yes, the results- your ruination. Your head sags forward, chin resting on your chest. Raphael crosses the room, hooking a finger under your chin. The devil groans, kissing you deeply. His tongue presses past the seam of your lips, tasting you, dancing but not demanding. 

A contrast to the way he touches you. He doesn't build you to an orgasm; he wrenches it from your exhausted body, the touch stinging against your overstimulated flesh. You whimper into his mouth, twisting to take more, to get closer, to relieve the pressure in your wrists. He tuts. Raphael kisses your nose, your chin, your mouth. 

"Now, now, you know the game, mouse. Be very good, and we'll let you down early. For now…relax. Simple…be yourself." 

He pats your stomach and returns to his reading, brings his fingers to his mouth and licks them clean. 

[astrobaeza]

CAREER ASTROLOGY

potential careers for your midheaven sign! 👩🏽‍💻💼🔎

Astrology can indicate what areas of life you might naturally excel at, your talents, and even your destiny. The Midheaven or MC is a point in your birth chart that represents your public persona, reputation, and how you choose to present yourself to the public. Your MC suggests what most makes you feel alive and your legacy in yor lifetime. Though it will take years for you to grow into your MC sign, you can use your Midheaven sign, ruler, placements and aspects to both to identify what career path might suit you. This is helpful for people especially in their 10th house profection year, where themes of career, reputation, and legacy are significant or even if you just want to prepare for the future.

Disclaimer: These are recommendations for what might be easier or more natural for you! REMEMBER: You can be anything you want in this lifetime!

(For example, The Weeknd has an Aries Midheaven – he is a trailblazer, leader, and icon in the music industry with a unique sound. Also the first to win many awards and to hold a lot of coveted titles --> very Aries-like)

ARIES MIDHEAVEN --- themes: bold, passionate, self-starting, trailblazing, aggression, leading

☆ ruling planet: Mars

☆ recommended careers: entrepreneurship, athletics, anything where you can lead yourself

--------------------------------------------------------------------

TAURUS MIDHEAVEN -- themes: classy, tasteful, beautiful, talented, artistic, wealthy

☆ ruling planet: Venus

☆ recommended careers: beauty, musician, modeling, makeup artist, fashion designer, arts, photographer, finance, anything involving aesthetics, design, visuals and money

--------------------------------------------------------------------

GEMINI MIDHEAVEN -- themes: good communicator, intelligent, versatile, witty, charming, vocal

☆ ruling planet: Mercury

☆ recommended careers: journalism, performance, teaching, writing, the Arts, design, fashion, sales, public relations, advertising, commentator, observer, translator and broadcaster

---------------------------------------------------------------------

CANCER MIDHEAVEN -- themes: nurturing, kind, sweet, affectionate innocent, intuitive, ambitious, security driven

☆ ruling planet: Moon

☆ recommended careers: health workers, chefs, real estate agents, social workers, ministers, politics, musician, nanny, teacher, doctor

---------------------------------------------------------------------

LEO MIDHEAVEN -- themes: confident, fun, creative, flamboyant, visible, competitive, 'superstar', popular, entertaining

☆ ruling planet: Sun

☆ recommended careers: performing arts, acting, politician, spokesperson, social media influencer, reality TV, anything that allows you to shine

---------------------------------------------------------------------

VIRGO MIDHEAVEN -- themes: precision, diligence, organization, detail-oriented, communicative, practical, moral, skillful

☆ ruling planet: Mercury

☆ recommended careers: medicine / healthcare professional, engineering, hospice care, accountant, HR, manager / administrative jobs

--------------------------------------------------------------------

LIBRA MIDHEAVEN -- themes: beautiful, elegant, charming, social, harmonious, diplomatic, collaboration, communication, aesthetics

☆ ruling planet: Venus

☆ recommended careers: decorating, fashion designer, beauty industry, musician, lawyer, counseling, therapist, law enforcement, customer service, human resources

--------------------------------------------------------------------

SCORPIO MIDHEAVEN -- themes: power, control, allure, mysteriousness, enigmatic, strength, magnetism

☆ ruling planet: Pluto

☆ recommended careers: researcher, psychologist, investigator, finance (tax, banking, investing), scientist, occultist, politician, s3x work, mortician

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SAGGITARIUS MIDHEAVEN -- themes: wisdom, education, knowing, funny, bold, personable, philosophy, energetic, honest, sincere

☆ ruling planet: Jupiter

☆ recommended careers: sales, teachers (specifically university), travel consultants, comedians, preacher / spiritualist, pilot, flight attendant,

--------------------------------------------------------------------

CAPRICORN MIDHEAVEN -- themes: power, status, drive, ambition, respect, honor, recognition

☆ ruling planet: Saturn

☆ recommended career: CEO, doctor, manager, banker, property owner / investor

----------------------------------------------------------------------

☆ AQUARIUS MIDHEAVEN -- themes: innovation, influence, freedom, orginality, service, socialization

☆ ruling planet: Saturn / Uranus

☆ recommended career: scientific or mathematical fields, engineer, innovator, astronomy, astrology, engineering, environmental science humanitarian work

----------------------------------------------------------------------

☆ PISCES MIDHEAVEN -- themes: enchanting, talented, creative, intuitive, dreams, passionate

☆ ruling planet: Neptune

☆ recommended career: musician, director, author, healer, psychic / occultist, spiritualist

[itonashi]

I am ME.

SUMMARY : Known around the world — a genius scientist named [Name][Last Name]. Everyone sought to be her as she was deemed perfect. A young prodigy that managed to climb up the ranks alongside her friends. She met her demise at the age of 35. It shook the world. Tears fall because of her. Will there be another her?

PAIRING : aquamarine hoshino x fem!reader

WARNINGS : implied deaths, stalking, drugs, slow burn romance, murder, more will be added.

A/N : 2k words. goddamn.. hehe enjoy and pls remember im not an expert still in the adults world neither i am that smart LOL.

4 years later...

You're 6 years old right now. Well, physically. You do not have the patience to restrain myself from not talking all the time. Your babysitter is sleeping. You're infront of a tv. Remote beside you. Maybe, you should change it to a music show?

You're bored after all. No freedom so what else can you do? You change the channel to a music show. After you change it, The MC was announcing the winner for the music show.

"Let's congratulate, B-Komachi!" The MC exclaimed and the audiences roared at the mention of B-Komachi. The members went up the stage, taking the award.

"That girl... looks familiar." You muttered under your breath. A beautiful girl with a blue purplish hair color took the mic and start her speech while giving a heart gesture.

That's the girl you met before. She was interesting to say the least. Even from a first glance, you knew that she hailed from an abusive and solemn past. She was expressionless, she talked to you without any interest in the world and show the real her. To see her become an idol.. does that means she's lying to herself right now.

What drove her to be an idol? You met her only once and yet you feel like, she would be important later on. How captivating, you hope the future is kind to her.

"And that's all from me! Ai!" She waved and giving the mic to another member.

Idol. A career that isn't appreciate enough. Some people on the world looked down upon this career. Just singing and dancing, they said. It's more than that.

Idol need to have a perfect image. One wrong step, then scandal will come for them. Especially if you're a famous group. They have to lie. They have to please their fans. One mistake and it will be talk about for years even after disbanding. The entertainment industry is dangerous. Strict to the point they could take your life.

Idol is also human. They're not robot. They also have feelings. Idols are admirable, they need to have a strong mental to handle the hate. The world is unfair to them. There's so many cases on what happened to idols for the past years and some of it is cruel.

Every career have it's upside and downside. There's no need to compare.

You broke out of your thoughts when the front door opening. You didn't even realize your babysitter already went home. "[Name]." Your father called out to you. You stand up and walk towards him with a tiny smile on your face. Your father wasn't that bad now that you have observed him for 3 years.

He looks like he love your mother dearly. Before going to work, he would always give a kiss to the cheek on your mother. Your mother would blush a little. He carry you to his arm and bring you to his lap.

"I need you to make a decision, [Name]." He said with a stern tone. You tilt your head and nod. "Do you want the easy life or the hard life?" He added, starting into your eyes with a little smile.

You widen your eyes a little "I choose the hard life!" You give an eye closed smile to your father. You felt like being silly while saying that. You expect that if you choose the hard life, he would put you into the entertainment industry. This is the time for you to reveal how smart you are to your family. You aim to be the youngest people to be scouted into the world organization you were previously in. It is possible, in that organization there's no rules for age. You learn that when a child was born in that organization from a couple.

How's that child you see as a little sister figure doing? You hope she still love drawing and painting. Your plan starts now.

Your father sae the expression on your face and laugh "That's good, [Name]. In this world, there's no one living the easy life. Next week, you will follow me visit some director." Your father said with excitement. This is probably the second time you see him that excited — the first one being the time when you talk for 'first time'

He pat you on the head and left you alone on the couch. 'Did he do that just to left me on the couch?' You deadpan at your father but shrug it off. You lay on the couch and close your eyes, gathering the information you gotten for the 4 years you have been living in this new body.

One thing for sure, one of your friends had a baby at the same year you were born. You pray for the chances to meet the child. This time, there's no mistake. You want more connections than before.

"[Name], are you excited to see a child acting on the site?" Your father is driving the car to a filming site. He said the director is someone named Taishi Gotanda. You don't really remember the great things that Taishi guy have did since you weren't that keen on keeping up with the media world.

"Yeah! I'm excited! They're the same age as me, right?" You exclaimed. "No, you're the older one there." He said. Great, being the eldest means babysitting. Well, not if the children is discipline properly.

You arrive at the site and you scan around the site for a potential connection to be made with. Your father tap your back and you follow him behind his back. "Oh, Yoshino-san. Great to have you here." The Taishi guy shake your father's hand and he noticed you behind your father. You notice his eyes and smile while waving to him. 

'This is boring.' You thought while walking a little bit away from your father. "Yoshino-chan, please follow me." A staff called out to you. You faced them and nod. "Your father said that you would only see how the process goes. You don't need to do any acting." The staff stated while leading you to a waiting room. You only hum at her to show that you're still listening to her.

'What a quiet kid...' The staff thought. The staff left you as soon as you arrive at the waiting room. You saw three kids and overhear their conversation. "Bet her acting was so bad they had to cut it all out! She seems to be good at buttering people up, though!" The child with red hair uttered.

The red hair proceed to be kinda rude in your opinion to other people. She left not before noticing you though. She look at you up and down and left. 'Is this how kids are?' You sweat at the child behavior. You look inside the room and saw two kids who you assume is twin because of the similarities. The annoyed expression on their face is visible, probably because of that girl? She's Arima Kana , if you remember correctly.

The girl who can flick a crying switch. Well, whatever. You bow at the twin and introduce yourself. They notice you and bow as well. "Oh, I'm Hoshino Ruby! And he's my brother. Hoshino Aquamarine but call him Aqua." The girl claim. What a weird name for japanese people.. The first thing you noticed about the pair is their eyes. It was captivating enough to lure you in. I'm sure they would become a big part of the entertainment industry. A powerful duo, they would say.

"Nice to meet you.." Aqua greet you with a neutral face. An opposite personality of his sister. A smile crawled up your face. "Soo.. why are you guys here?" You questions their presence at the filming site. "I will be acting while my sister here well.. she's just here, I guess." The boy deadpan. "How rude!" Ruby exclaimed.

You nod and cross your arm "It seems like Ruby is the same as me. I will only be watching." You hope that a friendship will bloom between you guys.

Amazing. You lightly smirk at the acting Aqua did. He only act like himself but he was incredibly creepy with it as that was what's the director aiming for. Maybe, the main part of it was because he seems mature for his age and his eyes. You just can't seem to let go of the beauty. "How did you think about it, [Name]?" Your father ask you with interest towards the young boy. "It's amazing, father. Can I start acting too?" You replied while staring at Arima Kana who was crying.

"It's never to late for you to be like your mother." Your father stated while lightly smiling at you "I can get you a role. Make sure to past my expectations." He added. Looks like the expectations for results is starting.

After that, your father have been keeping contacts with the twin since he have taken an interest on the young boy. You occasionally met the twin and learn more about them one by one. Sadly, your father couldn't keep hold of the them — Director Taishi Gotanda did.

You appear on multiple drama show as a child actor and made a name for yourself. There have been talks that you would conquer Arima Kana the child actor prodigy. You don't intend to do that but if that's what happen, it will happen. But they have to stop the  comparison because every person have their own flaws.

You even got to do some photoshoot for a child's brand. Well, this will be memories in a few years. Atleast, you get to feel being a child again. A carefree child. Because of all the acting, you had to learn new skills everytime even things that you didn't learn in your past life. Naturally, you're good at it.

I guess you would still be a genius this time too.

When the death of Ai Hoshino happened, you attend the funeral with your parent. The people grieving over Ai's death make you recall the time your parent got into a bad accident and passed away because of that. You didn't cry because you had no connection to her but it still hurts to know that the stranger you have met before when they're a teenager to died when they almost turn into a full fledged adult.

You hope the people from Strawberry Production is taking their time to heal from the loss of a staff. You can only give prayers to them.

Later on, the death of Ai was just like a wind breeze that pass every day. No one talk about it after a week. Some may move on and some didn't. Ai Hoshino may you rest in peace.

A year of being in the entertainment industry — thanks to your father. You don't care if they call you a nepo baby. You're talented, that's all that matter. You were invited to a variety show and you were excited since you can freely show your talents there. No on can say a thing about it. No one will question it.

You met the cast and greet them. It was going well until they start talking about your acting career. "Yoshino-san, you really resemble your mother and your acting skill is incredible. Mind to share a tip?" The MC compliment your acting. "I can't because I am ME. I don't think much on what to do and just go with the flow." You said with a neutral tone. One thing about the entertainment industry, they won't question what the kids say since their still not mature for their age and just let out what's on their mind. Even if you have a sharp tongue, the people will love it. They don't mind it when a kid do it. At the very least, you have to have a character that will make people love you.

That would make people remember you for a long time.

"Yoshino-san, your father said before in an interview that you are a genius. Top at everything, is that true?" One of the cast commented. You smirk "Why don't you give me a question and let me answer it? I would prefer if it's a math question, though." With this, you will make moments for yourself. The cast laugh at your confidence and gave you a whiteboard. You will be competing with the 'smartest' cast, they said.

"69 x 4."

Ding!

A ring was made by you. The questions was too easy. As former scientist, you had to count percentage so this is a piece of cake for you. The cast beside you look at you bewildered. "276." You confidently said. "Correct!" The MC exclaimed. You know that they're looking down on you. You ought to prove them wrong.

After a series of questions, the people were speechless upon your smartness. The adults didn't expect this. Your mother look at you behind the swarm of staff and smile widely. You notice it and wave a little.

Soon, the filming ended. You were tired and hold out your arms to your mother. Your mom chuckle s and carry you up to her arms and kiss you on the cheeks. "You did good, my little angel." Your mother praises you. You snuggle up to her. Even though, you are an adult mentally but you want to indulge in this child body of your of receiving parent's love.

Even an adult wants to heal their inner child.

TAGLIST : @glitch-karma @kult-o @miyakoa @pandaswitch @serbian-x @nambii @bajifairyy @lumiriai

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itonashi © // don't plagiarize, copy or edit my works.

[softandsourcream]

Stop, you’re losing me~ - one

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Summary: The last time you saw Yoongi wasn't one of your fondest memories. And actually, you thought that after ten years you no longer had any more tears to shed for that memory, for that situation, for him.

What was the problem with meeting him again at his brother's wedding, right?

Right?

pairing: idol! yoongi x vet!f reader.

Words: 9k

genre(s): angst, hurt- comfort, slow burn, fluff, smut (+18) (not this one tho)

au(s): childhood friends - to lovers, idol yoongi, normal vet reader, entertainment industry, denial and resentment.

warnings: curse words, family drama, grief, loss of loved ones, panic/anxiety attacks, damaged mental health, a LOT of struggling. Yoongi is here to help tho♡.

author’s note: just wanna let you all now that I’m so exited that this is out now! Hope you enjoy it and if you have any suggestion just let me know! I don’t bite 🐇. Also, English it’s not my fist language, so please be patient with this dumbass

~

IMPORTANT: this fic contains a lot of sensitive topics touched upon explicitly. Please, if any of the tags trigger something in you, stop reading. You’re more important, and there is much more content you can consume here. Take care please! ♡

enjoy!

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main masterlist

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“Where are you?”

“Outside.” In fact, he had gotten out of the car a second ago, and he wasn't going to answer, but he didn't know where they were either; the place was exaggeratedly large.

“Get in here then, you're late.”

“I’m at the entrance... where are you?” His voice breathless, he ran a lot in less than 20 minutes.

“Your brother is about to faint, so you’re going to see us easily. The first row.”

Yoongi hung up the phone, and sure enough, it wasn't difficult for him to find his family right at the end of the place. His brother looked around restlessly, probably looking for him or his fiancée, because he knew he was late, but he didn't seem to have started yet either.

His father, on the other hand, observed his brother's concern with the empty gaze he had always had from his seat, blinking slowly without saying much. He smiled a little at the scene (also a little relieved to finally be there) and started walking quickly, straight there, without looking at anyone else.

He greeted some of his aunts from afar, bowed to others he didn't know but greeted him, and ended up meeting his brother's eyes, almost finishing his journey. The concern on his face changed to one of anger, and he approached him as if suddenly he wasn't about to get married and be responsible for a family. His posture was the same as when they played as children, and his mother had to separate them for a toy.

It gave him chills.

“Hel-“

“Where the fuck were you.”

Yoongi frowned exaggeratedly at the bad word, looking at his father, who was watching everything in the same exact spot with the exact same cold and calm eyes.

“You’re not going to say anything to him?”

He didn’t respond, and Yoongi chuckled when his brother insulted him again.

“Calm down, if mom hears you, she-“

“You’re half an hour late, Min.” Finally, his father, mad. He can tell just by his voice. Yoongi shrank from the scolding and grimaced, looking at his brother.

“I’m sorry.” One. Sooner than he expected “They didn’t let me go sooner.” Greum-Jae didn't even seem interested in hearing an excuse; Yoongi had never seen him so angry before. But he still dared to continue speaking. “I get you’re mad, and I’m sorry, but don’t be mad with me right now. This is your day, we can fight later, and I’m here. I’m really sorry, for real, it wasn't my intention to ruin this for you.”

“Now it’s my job to be calm?” Jae fled from his touch. “To ignore your mistakes? You literally have one job.”

“I know I- I don’t have any other excuse, okay? I’m really sorry.”

Two.

It was subtle, but after a moment, his gaze softened, and so did his body, which was the most noticeable. Jae hugged him, and Yoongi smiled sadly, because he did feel bad, but, of course, it wasn’t the time to show it.

“You’re lucky she’s late too, and that I’m in a good mood right now.” He knows. “Missed you…”

“Me too.” His smell, his hugs, his voice. His home. He missed. “You are in a good mood, though? You look like you're about to throw up.”

He hit his shoulder, breaking the hug and getting closer to his father. Yoongi says hi to him without receiving a response, of course. He looked older and tired, which made him think about how long he had not set foot in that city. He squeezed his fist, unsettled. “I’m nervous; of course I look like that.”

Yoongi was going to ask why, genuinely interested, because he didn't understand why he should be nervous. He wasn't supposed to do anything more than 'yes, I do' and be with the person he loves most for the rest of his life. He also understood that, from the context, Yoongi would never understand it, and he didn't feel like doing it either. Also, he shouldn't be that direct, so he swallowed his question and leaned with both hands on the empty chair next to his father, placing all his weight on his arms.

He wanted to ignore the fact that he felt watched. There were a lot of people there. He hadn't taken a look to see how much he knew and how much he didn't, that was an activity he would leave for when they were dancing and there was less light. Right now he knew that everyone was looking at him, and he didn't like it because, although it was a family and private event, he couldn't completely ignore it. Photos of him would still come to light. It was, in fact, one of the discussions he had with the company days before.

“Your brother doesn't want to hear you, but I do. What is more important than your brother’s wedding now?”

Shit.

Jae was now talking to someone who came to tell him news about Eun, and he had walked away. He could only hear the echo of people talking, laughing, and happiness. Yoongi didn't want to have that conversation right now.

“It wasn’t my fault.”

“That wasn’t my question.”

“You’re being unfair right now.”

The man sighed.

“I’m just asking, Yoongi." And his voice sounds different too, so Yoongi didn’t like it. “If I’m not right, why don’t you tell me? You know I know when you're right, and I'm not. I'm not stubborn, you're locking yourself in."

Yoongi wrinkled his nose because he was right in a way, and he hated that it was like that. It was true; he didn't know why he felt so cornered all of a sudden. Stretching his arms and looking at the ground, he became a little dizzy. His whole body suddenly hurt; maybe all the fatigue of those months came upon him.

“Working.” He was honest even so, knowing what was coming. His father didn’t move in any sense. “I was working, but it wasn't'more important than this’. They wouldn't let me go, for real.”

“You didn’t take a day off?”

“I can’t. I’m on tour right now, and I asked permission, but you know that they’re not flexible with the times.

“Just like your mother's birthday. Or every Christmas.” He sounds sad now, almost disappointed. Mad, but really sad. “We invite you, but you never come. Your brother was shaking yesterday. He really wanted to see you.”

There was silence. A big one, where you could still hear the murmurs of the people, the echo of the grandeur of the place, the clicking of heels, and the shy laughter. He gave them both time to realize where they were, that they were in suits, and that, after all, he hadn't seen that man in a long, long time.

Yoongi's apology stuck in his throat—another genuine apology.

 

A third.

 

“I'm sorry, son.” His father says instead. Yoongi had heard it a few times in his 30s. “I understand. We understand, but... we always do. Me, your mother, and your brother today. He has all the right to be mad; we all are, but you’re doing your best, and we’re getting old too.” This time he looked at him, smiling a little. Yoongi does too, but his was a sad one. “Just don’t forget about your family. I just hope I make it to your wedding too.”

“Pff.” They laughed, and the son nodded, his nose still wrinkled just thinking about it. “I can only do the first one, sorry. That’s why Jae did it first. Maybe I don't invite you to a wedding, but you have been sitting more than once watching me in a stadium with more people than here.” He looked at his brother with his eyes. He continued talking to that woman, nodding, biting his lip, having an awful time, and if it wasn't bad, then something questionable. Yoongi could swear his palms were sweating. “I honestly don't feel like... being that worried.”

His father looked nothing in the front, with a smirk on his face. Yoongi realized how old he turned again.

“You just haven't found the right person to be like this for.”

That doesn’t sound like his father. At all.

He looked at him again and couldn't say anything when his brother was already in front of them, smiling and wiping the sweat from his hands.

He knew it.

“She’s about to arrive, take your seat.”

Yoongi left the back of the chair where there was supposed to be another person there who wasn't there, and frowning, he looked around the room without really doing it, realizing that he was missing someone to greet.

“Where’s mom?”

And as if he hadn't been listening to laughter, murmurs, and voices of people for ten minutes that filled his ears non-stop, right after that question, a specific laugh seemed to answer his doubt, reversing his pressure and causing a strong shiver to run down the back of his neck.

He turned quickly, perhaps even a little disbelievingly, and then, he saw you.

Not his mother, though. Or yes, her too, but his eyes fell on you first because it was always like that, because that was your laugh, and because it was impossible not to.

Far away. The possibility of having heard your laughter was quite unlikely, even impossible. Seven or eight rows back. Of course, you were wearing baby blue, delicate, and tight. The fabric didn’t shine like your gloves do, and you had your long hair loose, tied up from the top just a little. You laughed heartily, teeth on display, his mother being the cause of your smile and your bright eyes. Such honest and grateful happiness, because why not, you both looked exaggeratedly happy to be in front of each other again. Her mother held your hands tightly, moving them up and down in time with her words, and you just nodded and responded briefly.

His heart stopped. He could swear he had even forgotten to breathe.

Yoongi didn't enjoy eye contact.

He usually runs away from it. He feels stupid, and he gets embarrassed quickly. It's a tense situation for him, but he was wishing with all his might that you two had it at that moment. That his eyes were heavy enough for you to turn to look at him and take a good look at you because your eyes had always been big and expressive, and he needed to confirm that he wasn't hallucinating.

At least that's what they were like the last time he saw them, so many years ago that he couldn't count them, and from what he saw from there, many things had changed.

You look breathtaking. You've always looked this pretty, but right now… 

He didn't know if it was because he hadn't seen you in person for many years, up close, but unpleasant things were happening to him. His legs trembled when you finally looked back. Big eyes, make-up on, pretty color, and they opened, your moves frozen, and somehow, you two had an extremely uncomfortable visual conversation, as if you were face to face, and you didn't know what to say.

To his surprise, your gaze quickly changes to a more confident, almost cold look, and you bow with extreme lightness to say hello without intending to break contact. However, his mother did, hugging goodbye to you as soon as everyone started tidying up, music started playing, and Yoongi was forced to sit down, trembling, sweating, and unfocused, remembering how you looked.

He was there again, in real life, in Daegu, where he was born and grew up, where it was hot and dangerous to go out at night, where they used to live, and where he used to get lost when he could.

He had arrived that morning, but his brother, his parents, and you brought him back home.

“Shit.”

Not in a comfy, lullaby way. More like a cold water falling from the sky directly on the ground/ type of way.

He was there. You were there, feeling better than him, of course, but you don’t know. You had the whole month to mentally prepare for that reunion. Obviously you had a better handle on it, but you were also shaking, and you had to take a couple of breaths before you were ready for the wedding.

“Good?”

 

Seun was next to Greum when everything happened, in a way waiting as a spectator. Both in silence, from afar. Now he was waiting for you to respond, so he could start the recording in case you said something compromising. Both of you were in your assigned seats, with Jae at the altar.

“If it’s better than him, then yes, I’m great.” He laughed and checked at the entrance in case Eun was peeking out. He wanted to see her dress. You shake your shoulders, trying not to look in his direction again, releasing tension.

“Well, I don’t judge him. Jae didn’t tell him you were here.”

You scoff, “He didn’t? We're some show to you two or something?” putting your brother's arm away (with more force than necessary. It bothers you that he didn't take seriously how you felt. More now that you were especially sensitive) so you can record properly. The music began to overwhelm you a bit.

Now. Suddenly they were all in order, therefore quieter, so you two had to continue the conversation in whispers. Jae was waiting for his future wife; the doors of the place were open, but nothing was happening yet.

“He told me months ago that he wasn’t sure if he would arrive. The invitation was made, but he hasn't seen him for almost a year. When-“ he stops, unlocking his phone that had turned off for not pressing record yet, making you smile. Your older brother reminded you a lot of your father sometimes, and you rarely saw him so excited and well groomed at the same time. Your dress color and his suit matched too. His idea. “When Yoongi confirmed he was coming, Jae didn’t have the time to tell him. So yeah,” you looked at him when he did, blinking. “I know he’s feeling a lot of things right now.”

Well, that was weird.

That doesn’t sound like Yoongi, Yoongi loves his brother, his family, at least the one you know.

The type of relationship you had now (null) didn't allow you to say that out loud, and, strictly speaking, you didn't understand his reaction either. He looked genuinely surprised; it shouldn't affect him if he was the one who broke everything in the first place. You assumed it had just been the surprise, and it would take you a good stretch of the night to be able to let go of the fact that they were there, so close but so far, to let go of the possibilities of talking, hugging him, and telling him how much you had missed him, know about him, how he handled things. Just as before. Because it didn't help you to think like that, and because how pretty and beautiful your best friend looked right now, happy, in white, and excited, couldn't be placed on anything else.

You hoped you could breathe in peace for the rest of the night. Although at some point you thought you could do it without problems, because once you wiped away the tears that came out of you when you saw Eun enter and the ceremony took place, between your brother talking to you, you were laughing at him because he had also cried halfway through. On the way, the rest of your family arrived, and an inexplicable happiness that ran through you as you were surrounded by so many people that you knew and hadn't seen in years consumed you, your head stayed busy. A lot, and you still had it in mind, but you were not alone, and that made you feel good, safe, and a little calmer.

It was easy for you not to give him your night. At least the first part of it.

Apparently, after the ceremony, the party, and celebration would take place in the same place. You weren't really surprised, in fact, it moved you even more because the place was gigantic, very tall, and beautiful, almost like a theater, and there were many, many people, enough to fill the place. Not in a suffocating way, but enough to get lost. It was mostly of age, older people, maybe grandparents you hadn't managed to meet before, and then there were people directly younger, but you knew those, Seun was a people butterfly. Friends of theirs, you assumed. Actually, Seun stopped explaining who the boy was sitting next to one of her good friends when a man, tall and good-looking, started to talk on a microphone.

“Now, now, and congratulating the bride and groom once again, we would like to call the loved ones of both to say a few words before the fun part starts.

Everyone laughed, and Seun looked at you. You forgot about that part.

“Let’s start with the parents…”

“I can go for you instead.”

“It’s okay.” You smile. You knew that he was doing his best to be able to contain you, and give you the best company, despite the fact that it was not easy for him. “I’m not made of glass.” You joke, listening to Eun’s mother speak already.

And well, for him, you were. At least right now, but he didn’t say it, scoffing to hide his thoughts. “I’m trying to be good. Dad it’s watching now, I have to be an example.”

“For what.”

“Shut up, don’t be disrespectful.”

You try not to laugh. He was nervous now. You never understood why it was so difficult for him to admit that he cared for others. Not even with Jae he dared to do it, or at least that's what you thought. You didn't know how he would tell the truth in his speech.

You were the last one. You knew this because when you arrived, Jae told you. Eun wasn't supposed to know you were there. Of course, she had invited you, but she didn't know if you would finally attend because you hadn't been able to communicate with anyone these last few months. You met once, when she came to see you at your house, but you couldn't talk about much. You were on another planet, it was like your head was disconnected from your body most of the time, and she assumed you wouldn't go. 

You wanted to think that she hadn't seen you when she passed, but you doubted it. With the amount of people there, and with how focused she was on Jae, it was impossible.

Still, you were nervous. When you accepted, you didn't think you would be in front of so many people. Your heart was beating.

“Is that Yoongi?” Nara, your sister, asked your mother just behind you when he got position and greeted everyone.

“Yeah. Why he wouldn't?” Your mom responded a bit confused. You could hear her smile.

“I think you all were joking when you told me he was on BTS, for real. It doesn’t look at all like the Yoongi I knew.” You hear a laugh, a gentile one, and then your other brother making fun of her behind. Your dad scolds them.

Now, you take advantage of the moment to take a better look at him.

You wanted to blame it on the fact that your sister was only nine when she met Yoongi, and every time he appeared on TV or in videos she was told it was him, she just couldn't believe it. You just hoped those were her blurry memories of him, because you couldn't see him too differently from how you remembered it.

Maybe his hair was longer, he was paler, taller, his back had grown considerably, and he had that special glow that any celebrity would have. He looked like an entire adult now, too. He wore expensive clothes and good shoes, although he didn't seem to have put any effort into his hair, or his appearance in general, he looked incredibly unreal, so much that it makes you angry.

If you thought about it enough, and if you didn't know it was him, you would’ve struggled to recognize him too. You often saw him in magazines, posters, on buildings in Busan, on train pamphlets, on your cell phone and even in medicine, but seeing him in person was overwhelming. It was like seeing a stranger you already knew, but better yet, he was there, but at the same time he wasn't.

You take a deep breath when you realize that, despite all those things, his features were still just as soft and delicate, just like his mother's.

His knuckles still turned red without much effort, and he smiled the same way, making that slight pout with his lips before crying, trying to contain it, and he wiped the tears carelessly. You found your Yoongi in the one you were looking at right now, with little things, with gestures, with details that you used to admire more than necessary, they were still there.

and it made you feel nauseous.

You blinked a few times, snapping out of your trance as everyone applauded, and realized you hadn't heard a single word. He had even cried, and you didn't know why. You saw Jae stand up as he was called to take position on the small stage, and a much louder round of applause made you jump lightly. They came from behind, just that young section that assumed they were friends of both. There were a lot of people, and it didn't surprise you that Seun was already fooling around on his way to the small stage there.

“How are you feeling, blossom?"

Your father asked, taking advantage of the fact that you turned around to look at the crowd and that your brother was not there. They were both looking at you, and the rest of your brothers were talking among themselves.

“I'm okay.” It wasn't necessarily a lie. You felt just as bad as you do every day. Besides, you knew that they were referring to something more specific (Min Yoongi) than to your general emotional state, so you smiled slightly, closed, and placed your hand on your mother's, who was on your arm. “I’m good; don’t worry.”

As you predicted, Seun's speech was so unserious and absurd that it's not worth dwelling on. For some reason, everyone was laughing with him, he had livened up the atmosphere and unintentionally infected everyone with joy.

He soon returned to his seat and sat still with applause in the background. You couldn't believe it.

“I don’t get why he’s still your friend.”

“We’re in love, sister.” He asure. “This wedding is for three people. They will never get rid of me.”

“Shut up.”

“Now.” The good-looking man says “Briefly before eating and doing fun things, we have one more person who wants to wish you both the best, of course.”

You can see Eun’s confused look at her husband now, and he quickly grabs her hand. Your heart was ricing, you felt your mother's hand on your shoulder.

“Park ___, please."

Eun almost jumped from her seat, looking around, looking for you. You also saw someone else look for you in the crowd when you were getting up a little stiff because of your dress. You say sorry to an old woman right in front of you, who you accidentally hit softly because Seun didn’t move at the right moment.

“Oh my god.”

You didn't have time to get halfway down the hall to the front when a large white dress ran towards you to hug you. You smiled at the impact because you were a little taken aback by how strong it came and how big her dress was. You smiled when you already had her in your arms.

“You have been here all this time?”

“Of carouse.”

“Oh my god, thank you…” she softly says, hugging you even harder.

“I wouldn’t miss the happiest moment of your life.”

Because it had cost you, but you had arrived. Was she crying? Thank goodness people were still clapping because of the moving nature of the situation, and they couldn't hear you. You were trying so hard not to cry too.

If you did it, you wouldn't stop.

“I know you-“

“It’s okay.” You stopped her. “I’m okay.”

You squeezed her waist as a signal for you to start moving, and she moved away from you to caress your face lovingly and look at you like... most people have looked at you lately with pity and kissed your forehead.

Pity.

 

She took your hand, and the entire way, you could feel Yoongi's gaze on you. From the moment she hugged you until she kissed you and started leading you forward, like an exhibition, heavy, right next to you. He made you feel small, it was silly.

“Now stop crying; I haven't said anything yet.” You start, with the microphone in your hands, making everybody laugh, the couple too, Jae helping her with the tears. The place was in silence, the lights, the eyes, and the attention were just on you. So you take a deep breath and unfold the paper you’ve got prepared. “I- uh~” a sigh. “I don’t know how people do this without crying, I- okay.” You were nervous, but the place laughed again, so it gave you time to breathe.

“I still remember you both being taller than me, smarter than me, and older than me. I know that deep down all of you were so done of me, right behind there too,” all those people scream from behind, and you laugh. “because I used to talk a lot, and I carry my toys everywhere, so I can show it to all of you, and I made too many questions for people who are starting to be teenagers and want to look cool, but I wasn’t. I didn’t even care, I remember that. I was the pain in the ass that comes with Seun. Just a plus because Seun it’s a bother himself.” The aforementioned rolled his eyes, and you waited for there to be silence so you could continue. “I understand that now, and I just came here to apologize.” 

The atmosphere after the laughter was now a little solemn, and in contrast to your brother, you were capable of poisoning the things you touched, and those who knew you knew that. You could see the newlyweds were a little worried, but you kept smiling, giving them confidence that nothing bad was going to happen. At least that wasn't your intention.

“Sorry for being the impediment for you to go out late at night or for having to return early from wherever we were... I- was with you.” Uh. You try to keep the smile. Shit, “sorry for being so annoying, and sorry for the fact that I didn't care. Because as much as I didn't like being with you sometimes, the best part of my day was watching you eat at my table, or Mrs. Min organizing my birthdays, and everyone coming with gifts that I genuinely liked because you all heard what I was saying even if I was giving you a headache.”

Unintentionally, you met those eyes again from afar, just when you were trying to control that lump in your throat because the worst part was coming, and you didn't know if you were ready. You said the following while still looking at Yoongi, not at you, surprisingly. “I miss it. I really do, and I’m so grateful that I carry all that with me.”

You look at the paper, change the page, and breathe. So you try once “I-“ and twice. “I- um…” a shaking breath sounds everywhere, reading the words, but you just can’t. “Sorry~” you're softly trying to laugh as you cry start, and you feel so stupid for breaking in front of a lot of people. No because it was bad, everybody there cried before you, but not because of the same thing.

“I love you!” You didn’t know who it was, but you smiled and responded with a really quiet and shaking'me too', giving you time to breathe as everybody laughed, and the atmosphere eased.

“Okay.” You say more to yourself, but you have a mic on your mouth, of course. “I didn’t write this part alone. Kija he… he is my twin, so of course he was with me in all of this story, but when he got sick and we were writing this months ago, he told me that I didn’t mention him in all this because it was going to be about me, not him… he’s kinda dumb.” 

You laugh, trying not to tear up. You were holding the next tears, but like, fighting demons and everything to not cry. You, for real, didn’t want to cry in front of all those people. Your voice was obviously trapped in your chest, and it was shaking, but you couldn't do anything but breathe. You just have to be quick. 

“But he told me that he wanted to tell you both that he and I were very proud to have seen you grow together, hate each other together, and deny that you liked each other together and today, for me, seeing you two married means a lot. I adore you two with all my heart. Congratulations, and I know you’re going to do a great job. I'm sure Kija would have done a better job telling him in person, but I'm here for him, so you know. He would- have loved to come, I have no doubt. Be happy, please, and no babies yet; I’m not ready.”

You didn’t remember anything after that, which means two things:

One, you need to calm down because two, you weren’t fine.

You remember the hug, and a few words both of them told you, and all the looks people gave you just after that, full of sadness and compassion (which was the first thing that made you want to run away). And at the party, you dance because you enjoy it, and you feel a little better, but people stop you all the time to give you their condolences because “they didn’t know”.

The cake was cut, the presentation was done, and you could only come back to the moment when you had your first drink of whiskey, and your body told you that it wasn’t a good idea. Your heart was fast in your chest, that would only make it worse with alcohol.

You need to breathe.

 

“Sorry, what?!”

 

You scream behind the music. Some girl named Hwan stopped you. (It came right at the beginning, when Seun was next to you, and you were pretending to listen to how she had recently graduated. Poor girl, honestly, she looks kind and lovely.) with two glasses of tequila and some salt in her hand. 

“My friend!” She said. “I lost him, so take this!”

 And then:

“Hurry! I have to go for more before they run out!” You were too agitated for this. This is a bad idea ___. “c’mon c’mon honey!”

Your hands were tingling, your breathing was short, and you were afraid. You had tried to go to the bathroom, but it was full, and it was even more claustrophobic than all those people. Right next to it, there were some stairs that you assumed went up to the balconies that surrounded the place. You were very grateful that it was high, enough to encapsulate the music on the floor below, and you heard it as if you were listening from a glass.

Or was it you? 

You leaned on the railing and began to sweat. You closed your eyes, trying to calm down little by little, to look for things to think about, to feel something other than fear and anguish at the same time, but it was impossible, completely, and that made you even more desperate. You were breathing as if you had just run for two hours non-stop, and there came a point where your legs couldn't support your body. You couldn't feel your hands, cried a lot, trying to catch air, moaned in terror.

“please please please… stop just-“

You were trying not to faint, you were on the edge of a high place, and it was now dark for those below. It was when you felt like you really couldn't do anything. That you tried to stand back in case your body gave way forward, and it wasn't more dangerous when you felt hands on your stomach directly and the warmth of a body behind you.

A warm feeling that felt like burning on a straight fire

“Easy~ here,” you heard, far away from you, just like the music in a glass. The only thing that told you that he was literally glued to you was his touch. “Can you feel my hand?” You didn't respond, trying to run away. You didn’t want to be touched. “Hey, it’s okay, you’re safe. If you want to feel better, you have to answer me, okay?”

“Hmm” a moan full of pain, was not even an answer.

“Okay?” They asked again. This time you nodded and felt the hand move on your stomach, the fingers more than anything, like playing a piano. Soft, but rough at the same time. “Can you feel it?” Your two hands were placed on his in an attempt to find support; you couldn't feel your legs, and after giving him an affirmative answer with your head, you complained again, your head was about to explode. “Move my hand with your stomach as you breathe.” And you did. Erratic and desperate “That’s good, but try it slower. Focus on moving it, not on breathing.”

“I- I ca-“

"Yes, you can. You do it every day; come on.”

You know, you just didn’t want to be there.

You try your best to move his hand. It was hard because you were sobbing, and trying your best to not think too much. So you closed your eyes, exhausted, and concentrated on the warmth that the stranger was giving you and the hold that, while at first it felt overwhelming and suffocating, now it helped. You felt stronger, even though you were about to faint.

So you moved the hand, and it worked.

“Good~ breathe.”

The air filled your lungs little by little, your head began to quiet, and the music entered your ears at a decent volume considering how far you were from the ground. Your hands were cold, they were shaking, but you could move them, and you still couldn't feel your legs, but you could hear the trembling of your breathing and how your nervous system was trying to regulate itself, blocking your crying in your chest.

You were exhausted, god, you would sleep there if you could.

“Better?”

And then you realize.

 

You know that voice.

 

It was soft, deep, and in your ear. So close that if you turned to see him, both of you would collide. His hands were bigger than they used to be and softer to the touch, pale on your baby blue dress, no scrapes like you used to heal, he’s no longer biting his nails.

‘Shit’

“Don’t touch me.” You said. He tense.

“If I let you go, you will fall. You're not even holding yourself up.”

He was right. And you hate it.

“What are you doing here.”

Your voice sounded agitated, almost like a whisper. You still didn't dare open your eyes; your eyelids were heavy, and the fear of facing him so close made you delirious. Even though you had your back turned to him, you felt him snort.

“God. You’re welcome?” You clung tighter to his hand. It's just that you got dizzy, and he held you when he felt you give way to the left. “I should ask that. You almost passed out on the railing, idiot, that's… fucked up.”

He calls you an idiot? You were too weak to call him something worse.

So you only say "sorry." Instead, letting him go finally, and you tried to stand up by yourself, but you wobbled

“Okay, okay, please don’t. I’m gonna…” His hands took place on your hips to guide you to some chairs in the corner, which you didn't see at first, of course. You weren't sure if his touch hurt more now that you were more conscious or before, when you were overstimulated. Felt the same, honestly. “Be careful, they look old.” You walked as he commanded, and once you sat down, you heard him say something you couldn't decipher. You finally opened your eyes to ask, but there was no sign of anyone.

Sighing, you rested your head in your hands and closed your eyes again. You didn't know if you were still dizzy and weak or if you felt that way because you were already drunk. They both make sense to you.

You heard noise after a few seconds and looked up. Finally, Yoongi's silhouette appeared in the hallway, he had things in his hands, and he was looking at the glass of water, concentrating so that nothing would fall on the floor.

“I’m definitely too drunk for this.”

This can't be happening to you. Could not.

“I put ice on it, so you can chew. It will help.”

His voice sounded unfriendly to what he was saying. Not angry or indifferent, but rather nervous and tense, as if he were speaking by opening his mouth a little, trying to make you believe that it was no a big deal, as always, but his nervousness didn't allow him to fool you. You raised your eyes to look at his, and he turned them away once you brought them together. You tried to hide a smile as you received the glass. Of course, he couldn't look you in the eyes. He cleared his throat, finally watching you receive the water, trembling in your hold. He tries to hold it from below in case you drop it.

You took a sip.

“Your makeup is smudged.”

Of course. You must have been looking stupid.

“What is that?"

He was offering you something, like toilet paper, but softer on a package. You couldn't see very well, it was just white.

“I’m not really sure.” He confesses. “I take them from the bathroom. They’re damp.”

You touch it with two of your fingers, just to not be rude, honestly.

“Thanks, but I can’t really see myself here.” There was no mirror, and if there was, it was dark. The only lights there were those on the dance floor, which were colored and did not shine directly on the place you two were having this... moment. “I don’t really care though, I’m living soon anyway”

He didn't insist, putting the package in his pocket. You maintained a silence that would have been more awkward if the music downstairs wasn't on, and if you didn't have anything to chew at that moment. Neither of you dared to look at each other, or start a conversation because it wasn't even enough for something cordial. You didn't have the strength to get up and run away, but just when you were going to tell him that you were okay, and he could leave, he took something out of his pocket.

Now you are invested.

“You mind if I smoke?”

You looked at him from there, taking time to process the information. You shook your head slightly, maybe even confused, but there was no point in being.

“Can you even smoke here?”

The place was big but closed, you didn't know if it was allowed.

“I doubt it.”

“Since when do you smoke?” You dared to ask.

“I don’t.”

No, because he hates the smell. His mother has smoked since ever. Yoongi hates that the smell gets stuck in everything and everywhere. No matter how much his mother smoked outside the house, he always ended up with his school clothes smelling like cigarettes. It was inevitable. He always complained.

There you were watching him right now, right in profile, blowing smoke from his cigarette as if he did it every day, even though he said he doesn't. Arms resting on the railing, well-dressed, looking anywhere but at you.

You wanted to stop assuming that this Yoongi was the same one who had left years ago. Because you didn't know, you were both two completely new people, total strangers who knew nothing about each other, yet, you wanted to think that, if that were the case, he would have already left. He usually walks away from what he doesn't care about or doesn't like, that's what he did with you when he left, because that's how you felt. It was nice to believe that he was now there himself because he wanted to be, but it didn't help you to think about it, not now. Just because he was there didn't mean he was back in your life, and as silly as it sounded, your brain didn't understand that. It was your job to stop him from believing something like that.

You chew ice.

“I don’t want to ruin the party for you. Go ahead.” Your voice is still dumb. He was watching the people dancing from there, now he was looking at you, smoking the cigarette between his fingers without understanding what you meant. “I’m feeling better, you can go.”

“Okay.” He directed his body directly towards you. Unintentionally intimidating. “Do you want me to go?”

His presence made you anxious.

“Yes. But if I’m honest, I don’t really want to be alone right now.” He hums. “But I have seven siblings, and all of them are downstairs right now. I can call any of them.”

“They will scold you for not saying anything and me for not seeking help.”

“I know.” He looked at you, quietly. “I just don’t want to... keep you here. Have some fun.”

He shook his head, looking away.

“It’s okay. I was here first, drinking. Then you came. You scared me.”

You blink a few times. “You’ve spent all the night in here?”

“Most of it.” You followed his eyes down on the first floor, full of people. You could see everything from there. If you focused on one person, you could easily track them. “Enough to watch you dance and get drunk.”

“Creep.” He smiles a little.

“That’s why I wasn’t sure it was you. I went to get my whiskey, and I swear I saw you two minutes before taking a shot of tequila. I thought you were just drunk.”

You frowned, settling into the couch. You felt genuinely bad.

“Now I’m scared. For real.”

“Not intentional. I can literally watch my brother kiss Eun from here every five minutes, even if I don’t want to.” Yoongi plays with his ice, then drinks the rest in one go.

You gulped.

Thinking about it more was counterproductive for your mental health, you knew it, you understood it, it was practically self-sabotage, but right now, you gave yourself perhaps ten seconds to admire the beauty that Min Yoongi carried all by himself.

He looked so different, and everything that had changed elevated his beauty to places... god. You had met at a very young age too, in years, you could also say that you had changed enough to be mentioned at some point by a family member who hadn't seen you in a while, for example. You are an adult now, but it was impressive.

To think that you stopped seeing Yoongi right when he was being built into an idol says a lot. Everything about him looked expensive and well cared for, his soft hair, smooth skin, long eyelashes, immaculate hands, as if they were not obliged to do anything that would harm them. How his throat moved as the drink passed into his system, the lack of reaction of his features despite being strong, and having drunk almost half of the short glass.

The feeling that rose to your stomach made you come back, and from well-being, it turned into discomfort in your chest. He was there, he looked so attractive, and you couldn't do anything.

You couldn’t hug him, tell him how much you missed him and hit him nonstop because even when you’re still so into him, you were hurt too, and this situation was so out of your hands.

“I’d liked your speech. It was good.”

You wanted to tell him that you hadn't done it alone, but why would you do that? You didn't answer.

“You’re still writing?”

This time, you denied it almost instinctively. The truth is, you didn't want to give additional information to, in a way, a stranger, but you had already screwed up. “No. A long time ago I-“ stopped when you left, but of course you kept quiet.

When it was about Yoongi and whether you thought about the young you who loved that person in front of you so much and how dependent you were on someone who didn't care how you felt, it made you feel so stupid. And it didn't really make sense because you were young and inexperienced, and you had an important bond, so of course you will be hurt, you had more compassion than resentment. But still,

“-just don’t do it anymore.”

You didn't want to feel that weak again. He nodded.

“Why haven't you left if you don't want to be here?” You changed the topic. You weren't looking at him, but you felt his attention return to you, and he responded with his silence, then you looked up, and he avoided you again. “You're still not a party guy?” He didn't respond again, knowing that you knew the answer, so you smiled. “Yeah, you weren't either back then.” You say that just for yourself.

“I want to, though. Hyung it’s happy, and I haven't seen my family in a long time. My dad told me he was waiting for my wedding too. I stayed so maybe the event convinced me.”

“Your dad?” He nodded in disbelief as well. “That doesn’t sound like your dad. And also, the event?” A snort left your mouth as he looked at you, nodding. “ I don’t think it’s just about the event, you know?”

“Yeah. He told me that too.”

You laughed this time. You like that men.

“That doesn’t sound like him either.”

“I know.”

You missed Yoongi’s parents. They were so different from yours.

“You were, I remember.”

“What.”

“A party person. I always went with you and watched you dance because I didn't like it. Then we would leave late and buy ice cream at the convenience store downtown because you always craved some.” You nodded, trying to manage the pain that the memory caused you. “I've never seen you cry in one before.”

You played with the ice that was left, because the question was not directly a question, it was more of a mention, perhaps so as not to ignore what just happened. He knew you wouldn't answer and that you shouldn't either. You wrinkled your nose, uncomfortable.

“Where do you learn all of it?”

 

Containment, you meant.

 

“Hm.” He took a second. “These ten years have been interesting.” A laugh, and you try your best again. “I saw a member of our staff do it to Jungkook once, the first time. We were very young, but I’ve never forgotten it in case it happened again. It happened a couple of times after that, so I… know.”

And it's as if the anguish you had come back to you once you touched where his hands were for the first time in 10 years, and you had to close your eyes just because you felt upset. You didn't want to be there, you remembered. Not only because you didn't want to see him, but because you didn't feel well, and you put him over your emotions again.

Fucking hell.

“Your brother it’s looking for you.” You nodded, opening your eyes slightly.

“Of course he is…” you murmured, overwhelmed, trying to stand up. But you were feeling bad again, so you waited a little.

“Do you want me to-“

“No.”

You didn't know why you were so angry all of a sudden. Your heart was beating again, you started to feel warm even though the place was quite cold because of how big it was, and you were actually grateful that they cared about you, but you had spent all those months feeling like a burden to others.

You tried not to cause too many problems, you didn't want that kind of attention, especially after having been living alone, away from your family for so long, to live with them again. You went from making your own food to your mother having to sit next to you so you could eat something. From leaving early to work to not even knowing what time it was. From calling them to tell them good things, to having to pretend to sleep so as not to receive questions you didn't want to answer. You couldn't take care of yourself, it was something that you were having a hard time facing, because you wanted to do it, to be well so as not to be the burden of your family, but the pain you had was still just as big, and heavy, and it enveloped your entire chest. Squeezing. It didn't let you swallow, speak, cry, or breathe.

You were crying again. This time in silence, you didn't care that Yoongi was watching you in silence too, not knowing what to do.

"Where's the… dump thing you bought.”

He reacted a little slowly but quickly, searching for it, taking it out of his jacket pocket. You nodded.

“Can you clean my face, please? I don’t want to look like this when he finds me, and he will if I go to the bathroom right now.”

That one seemed to get him out of somewhere, because it did take him longer to process the information. He was standing with the towels in his hand and blinking, almost like a cat, a confused one. He didn't say anything, and you didn't think you had said anything wrong, so you got scared, and you wondered if maybe you, in fact, said something wrong.

“I can try, though. You don’t-“

“I’ll do it.”

He sits on the coffee table in front of you. You can smell his strong and manly cologne, and if you raised your eyes to his face enough, you could see him up close, closer than you had for many years again. Older, smelling that way, his marked features but you didn't. Of course not.

You close your eyes.

The two of you were silent, and it took you a few minutes to begin to feel the softness with which he ran over your face, the left side of your cheek, extremely light, almost afraid to touch you. You opened your eyes, and he wasn't looking where he was supposed to clean.

He looked at your face, carefully, perhaps making sure it was really you who was in front of him. He stopped his hand when your eyes connected, and it lasted only a few seconds, but you felt so much tension that you even doubted if it was wrong for you to pretend as if you didn't have things to talk about, before having any kind of contact. Whatever it was.

After that, he looked at you with pity.

The last one that night, you decide.

“Don’t look at me like that.”

You were stronger than him when it came to holding a gaze. He has always been the first to escape, which is why your gaze was very intense, heavy, and powerful. You could do it because you felt it was the most honest way to know if someone could handle you.

“Sorry.”

Yoongi had never been able to look at you for more than five seconds.

He resumed his work with the same smoothness. The music returned to your ears, and you returned to your place, to your life, to the now and to how your body was screaming to get out of there. You closed your eyes, chest tight and hands tense, trying to control their shaking.

You have bigger things to cry about right now than this. You had done it for a long time now; you had no more tears to cry for Min Yoongi, no reason to be nervous anymore, and no reason why you couldn't live in peace anymore.

“I’m sorry about Kija.” His voice was smooth, almost lullaby. He sounds nervous too, and just because of that, your response was also automatic. If it had been genuine, you would have had another panic attack right there.

 

“It’s okay.”

 

‘You are grieving. Don't expect anything better. Let us help you’

 

They were all grieving too.

 

“And I’m sorry I wasn’t- I didn’t know.”

There. Was there when you wanted to scream and punch him so hard enough to make him feel guilty.

“What do you mean.” To be honest, it doesn't even surprise you. You sensed it, but you had the small hope that he saw it… at least. “I texted you. Jae- he give me your number. I was waiting for you at his funeral.”

“Y/N…”

“It’s okay.”

 

You said instead. Yoongi looked terrified.

 

“I-“ he cut himself. “…was-“

You take his hand softly, stopping him. “It’s okay, Yoongi.”

“Wait.” One of his hands is on your wrist, preventing you from getting up. You didn't feel good, but you would do anything to get out of there. Still, you sat back down because you didn’t expect it.

“I’m sorry.”

 

Three.

 

The only thing you could hear was your heart beating; everything went quiet, and the words went away, an echo.

“It’s” You were far enough away to miss his scent or to see his new appearance. It was as if he disappeared into the darkness. “okay.”

And it was okay, not because that was exactly how it was, but because it didn't matter. It was okay because it didn't matter if he responded or not, he didn't have to. You were the one who was doing wrong by continuing to trust someone who had already failed you many times, and now you were choosing not to fall for anything sure.

It was okay, because there was no important bond that bonded you two, and allowed you to do bad things where there was nothing good to destroy.

And it was okay, because you simply didn't want to continue having him in front of you, talking about one of the most important people in your life, and seeing how he looked at you with pity. So it was okay.

 

But Yoongi had said sorry three times that day, and he hadn't been able to genuinely fix any of them.

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teaser masterlist two

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[astro-atlas]

✧･ﾟ:*(ꈍ ꒳ ꈍ✿)*:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧・

☀️「Astro notes • 03 」☀️

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　 ☼*ੈ✩‧₊˚ Our Summer/TXT *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ☼

1:45 ───ㅇ───── 3:41

↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺

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🍁 To see your social standing and relationship with the public; look at Venus, 7th house and 10th house

Venus opposite Uranus: lone wolf, misunderstood genius, not afraid to speak up

Venus conjunct Jupiter: many friends and acquaintances, generally well-liked

Ruler of the 10th house square Pluto: general distrust of public opinion, is wary and critical of everything too popular

Mars in 10th house: seen as the top dog, at the top of the social ladder

Saturn in 7th house: keeps everyone at an arm’s length, seen as cold but trustworthy

7th house ruler in 5th house: charming and entertaining, could end up having romantic relationships with friends

🍑 North node in 11th is destined to speak up against outdated beliefs and to form a community

🧶 Saturn sextile Mars has great leadership abilities

🎃 Saturn square Mars doesn’t like following rules and orders

🦊 Saturn trine Mars is at ease with rules and authority BUT if Mars is making a positive aspect (conjunction included) to Uranus or Mercury they could break the rules secretly or only when they find them unnecessary

🥮 Fire moons are suitable for working in the entertainment industry

🏵️ Virgo values respect and professionalism, Taurus values competency and elegance, Capricorn values transparency and efficiency

👘 Sagittarius placements are funny and easygoing but behind closed doors they prefer to sit with their thoughts and contemplate on issues they care about

🍹 Ruler of the 12th house in the 1st house has the “sleep deprived gamer” look

🦁 Sun square Ascendant feels like no matter what they do they can’t fully be themselves around others. To see how one can ease this feeling, referring to the ruler of the Ascendant would be useful

Ruler of the Ascendant in the 4th house: it’ll be easier for you to be yourself when you’re in places familiar to you and when you feel secure and comfortable

Ruler of the Ascendant in the 5th house: you’ll feel more like yourself when you’re doing creative things and when you’re around children

Ruler of the Ascendant in the 9th house: you can express yourself with ease when you’re overseas or when you’re discussing deep matters. Learning new languages can be useful too as you may find it easier to speak your mind when you’re speaking in another language

✧ ༻🍊༻ ꕥ ༺🍯༺ ✧

Thank you so much for reading, I am not a professional and these are simply observations and my personal thoughts. Use mobile and dark mode for the best viewing experience

✧ ༻🍊༻ ꕥ ༺🍯༺ ✧

[gabrielsbubblegumbitch]

DROP YOUR DX FOR VOX !!!!! Please and thank you.

I would like to preface all my posts on headcanons related to psychology and mental illness with a disclaimer: diagnosing mental conditions, especially personality disorders, can be extremely challenging. It's a complicated process that relies heavily on a psychologist's interpretation of facts, making it susceptible to biases. Personality disorders cannot be diagnosed based on surface-level observations and are not just labels that we can assign to people like in the case of MBTI. Additionally, I am not a clinician with any expertise in diagnosing people. Therefore, the following post should not be taken as a reliable professional opinion. It's simply my interpretation of the internal mechanisms that may be responsible for the behavior of certain characters in my fan fiction. Furthermore, I want to make it clear that I have no intention of stigmatizing people with personality disorders by associating them with villains. A personality disorder does not determine someone's character or make them a bad person. Some characters may be evil because of the choices they make, not as a result of their mental conditions.

(I've already posted some stuff here so I'm not going to repeat myself.)

Okay, so, Vox has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It's crucial to distinguish this from "common narcissism" (people often described as "narcissists" by others just because they are egotist assholes; kinda ableist, you shouldn't do it because it's extremely stigmatizing towards people suffering with actual NPD) . While those individuals typically function well, those with NPD exhibit all the traits – grandiosity, egocentrism, attention-seeking, intense power fantasies – but as it's a disorder, these traits lead to inflexible and maladaptive patterns of behavior and cognition.

NPD has its roots in intense feelings of shame, low self-compassion, and self-loathing. In my interpretation, Vox has always felt inadequate. His father inherited an enormous amount of money, establishing a media conglomerate in the 20's. Vox's mother, captivated by the world of movies, used them to escape her reality as a trophy wife. Despite her dreams of becoming an actress, Vox's father, possessive and protective, prevented her entry into the entertainment industry. As a compromise, he made their son a child actor, with the condition that it would be temporary. When Vox grew older, he was expected to transition to learning business and other skills, ultimately to take over the family's empire.

So, Vox was never enough for either of his parents. His father thought of him as annoying and unserious due to his talkativeness and exaggerated behaviors, attributing it to growing up surrounded by actors. As for his mother... Vox turned out to be a terrible actor, struggling to convey emotions that weren't bombastic and over-the-top. Being a teenager is humiliating enough, but imagine being a teenager bad at something and forced to do it for a worldwide audience, when the whole production crew is annoyed with you. Fortunately, he grew up to be devilishly handsome (not to be a simp, I just believe someone must be handsome to endure the ethereal punishment of having their face swapped for a TV screen) and entertaining, leading them to make him a TV host and media personality.

Anyway, NPD is all about creating a perfect self and projecting it to the world when you're deeply ashamed of your true self. It means that, no matter what you're doing, you're constantly concerned about how it looks to other people. You constantly play an exhausting game, trying to win gold stars of social admiration for every-fucking-thing, guided by superficial ideals of wealth, perfection, beauty, and, above all, power. One reason Alastor's existence bothers Vox so much is the fact that he cannot comprehend the idea of someone choosing radio over his "objectively better and correct" medium. Vox lacks the ability to understand nuanced sentiments, which ironically makes him thrive in Hell. In this anarchocapitalist, lawless society, survival of the fittest prevails, and this is a game he excels at playing.

Generally, the best approach for individuals with NPD is to pull them out of delusional thinking by confronting their beliefs about the world and themselves with reality (it should be performed by qualified therapist, especially when someone hasn't completed any kind of therapeutic process yet). However, in Hell, Vox's behavior was no longer in violation of social norms; on the contrary, it was highly rewarded. Consequently, he completely lost his shit, became unhinged, and began acting on all his previously suppressed urges. He finally fulfilled all narcissistic power fantasies and became (almost) untouchable. Now, he's ready to kill anyone who questions him, seeing it as threatening to his fragile image of the perfect self.

He exhibits strong bipolar tendencies. Most of the time, he's power-tripping in a semi-maniacal state. Periodically, he undergoes deep, depressive episodes, locking himself up in his apartment and avoiding interaction.

Constantly guarding this fragile image of the perfect self that he built is exhausting. The bigger this image gets, the more fragile it becomes, like a house of cards. And guarding it becomes more and more exhausting. But there's nothing scarier than the idea of the facade falling apart and people seeing him as he is: imperfect and vulnerable, damaged and ashamed, rotten and evil. Deep down, he knows he's unlovable, and it hurts. He knows that true love exists; he craves this ultimate form of admiration and devotion, but it requires vulnerability and honesty, which he's not capable of. He's only vulnerable with Valentino, and only occasionally when he's intoxicated or when Val fucks every last thought out of his body. He's very much a controlling top insecure about his masculinity, so the latter happens rarely.

Also, drugs. Oh, do this man enjoy some coke. Other drugs and booze, not so much; they make him feel less in control. But getting coked up, going out, causing a scene, killing some poor souls, and relishing this feeling of being completely untouchable? Feels so good.

When it comes to Alastor, he hates him because he's jealous. Despite all his efforts—building a perfect persona, a perfect company, perfect entertainment—this stinky, outdated, and boring radio demon gets so much attention and admiration that should be his. Moreover, he feels that Alastor can see right through his bullshit. He's so paranoid about it that he's almost certain Alastor knows about his childhood traumas, about his death, about all his truths, and could one day broadcast it for all people of Hell to hear. So, he needs him dead.

Note: these headcanons (especially Vox's past) are very important part of my fanfiction. Please feel free to use them in your fics but I'll appreciate if you tag me 🩷

Velvette hc | Valentino hc | Vees + Angel hc | VoxVal hc

[stellarwhisper]

Random Astrology Observation and Astrology Blog Tips

Capricorn placement in the natal chart's fifth house sounds like it would relate to someone who enjoys long-lasting, slow-building love stories with hints of luxury, power dynamics, and secrets. Stories with age gaps or secret identities, as well as historical or gothic romances, may pique their interest. They may have an exquisite sense of quality in everything from jewelry to bouquets, and their tastes may include great wine, romantic music, and decadent delights. They are respectful, consistent, and thoughtful in partnerships, and they may have a strong sensuous side mixed with a need for control or submission in close quarters.

To ascertain the ruler of your fifth house sign:

1. Examine your birth chart.

2. Determine which sign is in your fifth house. Children, romance, creativity, and enjoyment are all ruled by this house.

3. Once you are aware of the sign, ascertain which planet rules it. Every sign is governed by a certain planet. As an illustration:

- Mars is the sign of Aries.

- Venus is the sign of Taurus.

- Mercury is the sign of Gemini.

- The Moon rules Cancer.

The Sun rules the sign of Leo.

- Mercury is the sign of Virgo.

- Venus is the sign of Libra.

- Either Pluto, the modern ruler, or Mars, the classical ruler, rules Scorpio.

- Jupiter is the sign of Sagittarius.

- Saturn is the sign of Capricorn.

- The ancient ruler of Aquarius is Saturn, whereas the current ruler is Uranus.

- Jupiter and Neptune is the sign of Pisces.

Saturn is the ruler of your fifth house, for instance, if Capricorn is in it.

It can be informative and empowering to understand your personal energies and how the daily forecast affects you. You may manage life with more clarity and alignment if you understand the cosmic energies at work and how they connect with your own natal chart.

We can examine the intricacies of your astrological chart in a consultation, investigating the potential effects of the present planetary transits and cosmic energies on various aspects of your life. We can find insights and techniques to assist you take advantage of the chances and difficulties that are offered to you, whether they have to do with relationships, careers, personal growth, or any other area.

To arrange a consultation, please feel free to DM me or leave a comment below. Together, let's unravel the secrets of the universe and make sense of your future! ✨

The Moon is in Aquarius ♒️ on Friday, January 12, 2024, encouraging us to embrace creativity, individualism, and forward-thinking thoughts, while the Sun is in Capricorn ♑️, grounding us with its practical, disciplined energy. This combination of airy Aquarius and earthy Capricorn energies encourages us to think forward while embracing tradition, making it an excellent day for networking, strategic planning, and teamwork on creative endeavors. It's a time to fulfill our obligations while also looking for fresh viewpoints and methods to accomplish our objectives.

Leo in the 10th house indicates a predisposition to excel professionally and assume leadership positions, especially in industries that value individuality and creativity, like the entertainment sector. When Leo Mars and Leo Pluto are paired, passion, self-assurance, and a need for respect and recognition are highlighted even more. This combination points to a person who is self-assured, captivating, and unashamedly themselves—someone who commands attention and makes an impression wherever they go.

Without a doubt, the secret to improving your knowledge and appreciation of astrology is to continue to be committed to studying and having fun with it. There's always more to learn and investigate whether you've been studying astrology for years or are just getting started. Accept the path of introspection and cosmic research, and don't allow anything stop you from following your astrological passion. Continue to interact with the rich tapestry of information that astrology has to offer, keep an open mind, and maintain your curiosity.

The following advice, viewpoints, and recommendations should be considered when perusing other astrological blogs:

1. Different Viewpoints: Look for blogs that present various angles and interpretations of astrological ideas. This can challenge your preconceived notions and help you grasp things more fully.

2. Critical Thinking: Astrology can be a useful tool for direction and introspection, but it's crucial to approach it with skepticism. Examine the material offered in the blogs and think about how it compares to your own insights and experiences.

3. nteractive involvement: Seek out blogs that promote community forums, Q&A sessions, or other forms of interactive involvement. This can present chances to engage with like-minded people, exchange ideas, and pose questions.

4. Credibility: Take into account the bloggers' experience and standing. Seek for writers who can express their thoughts wisely and with clarity, and who have a firm grasp of astrological principles.

5. Ethical Practices: Watch out for blogs that make extravagant promises or claims, including guaranteeing the exact date or outcome. While acknowledging the limitations of astrological interpretations, ethical astrology appreciates the intricacies of the human experience.

6. Ongoing Education: View astrology as an ongoing educational process. Remain inquisitive, investigate various astrological subfields (natal, predictive, mundane, etc.), and be willing to expand on your comprehension when you come across fresh data and viewpoints.

7. Integration with Other Modalities: Examine the ways in which astrology can be combined with other modalities, such as holistic wellness techniques, psychology, or spirituality. A more comprehensive and comprehensive understanding of astrology's function in personal development can be obtained from blogs that examine these intersections.

Always follow your gut and select blogs that have a personal connection for you. As you continue to explore and learn more about the intriguing field of astrology, have fun!

Examining astrological blogs can be a fruitful path full of learning experiences, relationships, and chances for development. Discover a plethora of astrological content, whether you're looking for personal experiences, in-depth research, or daily horoscopes. Please explore, interact with many viewpoints, and take pleasure in the wealth of knowledge that astrology has to offer. Please let me know if there are any particular subjects or inquiries you'd like to learn more about, and I'd be happy to make some recommendations!

Jupiter in Scorpio can bring a strong combination of deep transformation and expansive vitality. Scorpio is linked to intensity, depth, and metamorphosis, whereas Jupiter is connected to development, expansion, and opportunity. When these energies align, it may signify a time of deep introspection and outward development.

Scorpio's transforming power is amplified when Jupiter conjuncts Pluto. This feature may indicate a period of rapid personal development during which you experience profound changes in your psychological, emotional, or spiritual states. You may be drawn to explore the depths of your mind in order to reveal desires, fears, and hidden realities.

Global or societal changes may also be indicated by Jupiter conjunct Pluto on a larger scale, especially in areas pertaining to wealth, power, and control. There might be an emphasis on exposing corruption, overthrowing repressive structures, or delving into sensitive subjects.

All things considered, Jupiter in Scorpio—especially when it is conjunct Pluto—invites you to welcome the process of rebirth and metamorphosis. It inspires you to face your innermost wants and concerns and to use change as a tool for both individual and group progress. Now is the moment to bravely, honestly, and with a willingness to delve far into the unknown, examine life's mysteries.

[precioustarkey]

journalism at its finest

summary: you have made a career for yourself by interviewing celebrities, but are feeling a little uncomfortable when one hits close to home.

warnings: none

i nervously climbed into my car. the engine only makes my nerves rattle more. growing up, i was infatuated with actors and musicians. i found myself watching movies for the actors instead of the plot. listening to songs for the singers instead of the message. i can't explain my relationship with the media. i guess being online a lot as a teenager is to blame.

regardless, i knew from an early age that i wanted to work in the industry. not as an entertainer, but in the background. i wanted to observe the lifestyle up close. going to college for journalism was the best decision i have made for myself because now i get to live out my fantasy. 

i get paid to interview these people. and though i find a lot of them uptight and spoiled, the nosy side of me loves picking them apart. because of my job, i try my best to stay neutral on these celebrities so that they don't feel uncomfortable. apart from the research i do in order to come up with my questions, of course.

today is different. there is a show called "outer banks" that came around during quarantine, so with my free time, i binge-watched the entire first season. as i mentioned, normally i watch tv shows and movies for the actors, but i hadn't seen anyone in this show. 

however, when i delved deeper into google, i found the name of one of the actors to be familiar. drew starkey. i quickly found out that he grew up in north carolina, as did i. confused, i pulled myself from my cocoon on my couch to find my old high school yearbooks. grabbing one at random, i see him grinning in his senior photo. how could i forget? 

ever since i discovered this, i avoided the show like the plague. even though i had been surrounded by celebrities for years now, i had never known one of them personally. it almost ruined the glamorous aura surrounding them. imagining him as a regular teenage boy in the classes we shared was humbling. he wasn't mean in high school, not at all. if anything, i remember finding it odd that he hung around the theater kids because he was a total jock.

because of quarantine, i knew that press would be difficult for the actors, and because of this, i never anticipated having to interview them. which helped ease my nerves. moving to los angeles meant that i would interview every celebrity on the new up-and-coming shows. part of me hoped the hype surrounding the show would die down before the lockdown did.

the entire ride to the studio, i told myself over and over again that there was no way he would remember me. he was a jock, and i barely spoke. it wasn't the fact that i was shy, high school just wasn't for me. i counted down the days to graduation. i was only there because i had to be. i put more focus on my studies than my social life. 

in the back of my mind, i can't help but fear that seeing him will bring back memories of being the closed-off kid i was back then. as long as no one mentions it, everything will be okay. i repeated that to myself a few times before parking my car in the lot. removing my seatbelt as slowly as possible to buy time.

my hands are shaking as i walk to my studio. i send passing smiles to my coworkers as i make my way to the bathroom. i confirm that my hair, face, and outfit look presentable, and read over my questions one last time. 

the cameraman walks up to me as i take my seat to wait for the cast to arrive. "i just got a call; austin and drew are going to be the only ones you're interviewing today. madelyn, rudy, and  madison will be interviewed tomorrow," he says, looking for any sort of confirmation. "that sounds perfect," i say, smiling, still looking at my cards. 

i hear footsteps coming from the hallway and quickly stand up. austin and drew emerged into the room with their crew. "hello! so nice to meet you, my name is y/n," i say with a grin as i hold out my hand to them. they do the same, introducing themselves as they take turns shaking my hand. 

all three seats are now filled, so we can begin the questions. the first fifteen minutes go perfectly; we're laughing, they're thoroughly interested in the questions, and they're giving great answers. turning my attention to drew, i ask, "has this sudden change in lifestyle been difficult for you at all? to go from putting your all into basketball, to then deciding on theater in college?" 

he looks taken aback by my question. that nervous feeling in my stomach is slowly creeping back. i made sure that his sports background was easy to find online, so i was confident he wouldn't be too surprised. "wait a second. y/n? y/n y/l/n?" i can feel my cheeks flush at his realization. 

"can i be honest? i was hoping you wouldn't notice," i said, covering my face with my note cards. we are now sharing smiles. "oh my god. i sat behind you in algebra, you're the only reason i passed that class," he says in between laughs. seeing him in person has brought all of those little memories flooding back. 

after a minute or so of catching up, their team urges us on. "we've got other interviews, guys," the man says impatiently. we carry on for an additional fifteen minutes or so before i have run out of questions to ask. we said our farewells, and i thanked them for coming.

just as they were leaving, drew turned around, brushing past the guys they had walked in with. "y/n can i get your number? i would love to catch up properly whenever we both have time," he says, pulling out his phone. "yes, of course!" i smile, quickly typing in the numbers before they are once again rushed away. 

it felt like no time before my phone started dinging.

part two is here!

[sxtvrns]

the firsts i’ve never felt

🎶 now playing: clementine - grentperez

P: Kim Jongseob x Fem!Reader

S: You find yourself wandering the headquarters after being left unattended. He finds himself unreasonably intrigued by you.

C: meet cute, fluff, puppy love, inaccuracy, a bit sloppy, mentions of bullying, kinda rushed?

N: i’ve transformed my entire feed and started a bunch of masterlists and stuff! this fic is part of one of them that i need to design and stuff but i hope you’re loving the organization because i certainly am. i really wanna write but my brain is running out of scenarios i can work off of so if you dont hear from me for a while you know why. if i don't get a hair colour right sue me i can't memorize everything | all ages listed are korean, not international!

view the rest of the conversations ☆彡

please interact if you enjoy!

“Hey, honey, do you wanna come and visit my new job today? They’re showing me around, and you’re planning to work in the entertainment industry behind the scenes, aren’t you?”

…sounds like a super unprofessional thing for your mom to say on her first day of the job. However, the staff gave her leeway somehow after saying you were an aspiring makeup artist with a growing following. She said you could join in a few years, if you’d like. You still had time to think about it.

“So, how old is your daughter?” The employee asks.

“16.”

“What kind of makeup does she do?”

“She has a rather… broad spectrum. I could go into specifics but that would require me showing you examples and taking up your time.”

“Oh, go ahead! Besides, I could use a break from the work.”

The door to the elevator opens with a ding, both adults behind you not seeming to pay attention. You quickly but stealthy walk off the elevator, their attention still focused on your mom’s phone. As the doors close, they still don’t seem to notice, instead they continue going up, and you’re left alone in the quiet, empty hallway.

Somewhat quiet, actually. There was loud music coming from some of the rooms you could hear from outside as you walked by. Your phone buzzed in your hand, though you aren’t bothered to check it until another staff member sees you in the hall. She goes on her phone, types rapidly on the screen, and starts walking towards you.

You walk away from her at a quickened pace, turning the corner and beginning to run. You turn the corner again, briefly glancing at the rooms as you pass by, all of them with people inside and the lights on. Except for one.

The sound of steps sounded like it grew withe presence of multiple people, so you had no time to check and instead opened the door, and to your relief, no one was inside. You shut it quietly, hiding against the wall in hopes that the crowd passes by.

The buzzing from your phone earlier was frantic texts from your mom, asking where you went and specifying that the staff was now looking for you. You replied calmly that you ‘took yourself on your own tour’ and ‘got off as a joke in hopes she would notice’. You could practically hear her sigh at her phone as she responds with ‘i’ll keep you updated’ before leaving you on read.

You slide down against the wall, sitting and observing the environment around you. This was a dance studio, one of many that looked the same as some of the others. You didn’t want to get caught, so you stayed there for a bit on your phone, caught off guard at the sound of someone opening the door.

At first you panic, thinking someone from staff found you, but it was just some guy adorned in all black with a beanie and a mask, taking both of them off and somehow not noticing you.

You spoke too soon.

the first meet.

His eyes widened at the sight of you, the door he held open by a sliver. You hear something from outside.

“Jongseob, there’s some new hire’s daughter on the loose and she was last seen on this floor, have you seen her?” A staff member asks, the boy’s head peeking back in to look at you. You frantically shake your head and gesture for him to keep his mouth shut as he peeks out the door right after.

“I haven’t seen her, sorry.”

He fully closes the door this time, a sigh of relief escaping you as your eyes stayed glued on the boy that was nice enough to not snitch. “What are you doing here?” He asks, a reasonable question since you were in the studio for a reason other than dancing. “My mom works here. She’s starting today. And… I may or may not have gotten off the elevator too early.” You try to sum it up.

“Why?”

“Um, they were distracted. And I didn’t think the door would close right after I got off.”

“How did they even let you in?”

“I might work someplace like this as a makeup artist. When I’m older. My mom brought me along for her tour, and… that’s how I ended up here. I was running away from staff. If you want, I can leave.”

“I didn’t lie just for you to get out and defeat the whole purpose of it. It’s okay, you can stay as long as you need to.”

“Really? I’m not intruding?”

“My members won’t be here for the next little while, if you’re overwhelmed by the presence of multiple men.”

His joke makes you laugh, and you inch out of the corner you’re hiding in more, seeing him walk towards you and open the laptop on the desk. “How old are you now?” He suddenly asks, a question you find odd at first.

“16.” (international age = 14, turned 15 after a few weeks)

“Really? Me too.”

“You looked a little young. Are you a trainee?”

“I actually debuted a few weeks ago. We’re doing some promotional stuff and we have practice today.”

“Do you want me to leave when they arrive?”

“You can stay for now. It’s up to the leader if he wants you in or not. I guess if you aren’t distracting, you could watch. But I gotta wait for him.”

“I’ll check you guys out sometime. All the groups are listed in the lobby, so…”

“P1Harmony. You’ll find us easily.”

Quiet clicks come from the mousepad, as you merely stare up at him, who seems to be so focused on the screen in front of him. He looks up, then looks down at you, and your observing gaze fixed on his face. He ponders, before holding his hand out. “Nice to meet you. I’m–“

“Jongseob. You’re Jongseob.”

You finish his sentence for him, leaving him visibly surprised as you shake his hand.

“Um, I heard them say your name from the hall.” You explain, him nodding. “I’m Y/N.”

“That’s a pretty name.”

You find yourself blushing. “Thank you… um, also for not snitching. I texted my mom that I was okay, so everything should be fine now.”

“That’s good. Maybe don’t get off the elevator while she’s distracted next time.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Music starts playing from the speakers, Jongseob walking away to the center of the room to warm up. Your eyes are on him the entire time, since there was nothing else you could focus on. Even if you tried going on your phone, the music would draw your attention away from it.

You had a short attention span.

But watching Jongseob merely warm up seemed to prove otherwise. Your eyes were glued to his movements and small yet precise spotting, how precise he was when he matched every beat and transition. You stared at his reflection and his back the whole time, gaze moving to his face.

He caught you staring, looking back at you through the reflection of the mirror with a subtle smirk before going back to dancing.

He comes back to pause the music while you space out staring at the floor, as he takes off his beanie and runs his hand through his hair. “How’d I do? Seemed like I caught your attention.”

You clear your throat. “Good. Really good.”

He believes you have another reason you aren’t telling him, still deciding to sit down beside you despite doing so. “What are you doing?” You ask, looking at him. “Sitting with you. Why, does this bother you?”

“No. Just… I thought you’d be warming up more. That seemed short.”

“It seemed short because you were watching me. I was dancing for, what, a little over 10 minutes? I think I’ve warmed up enough.”

“Right.” You say, kind of understanding what he’s saying. “I like your hair. The colour is very pretty.” A light purple that could be described as lavender was what it was. It painted him as docile, gentle. He seemed to be so, given he was sitting with you like this along the side of the room.

“Thank you.” He smiles, sounding genuine. So genuine, in fact, that he smiles at you for the first time with his teeth showing, his hand covering his mouth right after. You take a mental note of that habit. “When did you start training?” You ask.

“When I was 12.” (international age = 10, turned 11 later that year due to late birthday)

“That young?! When I was 12 I was still scared of the concept of paragraphs…”

“I’ve always wanted to be a singer. Perform for others. There was a chance, so I took it.”

“I admire you for that. Taking risks that benefited you later in the future.”

“You took a risk today.”

“I did?”

“You stepped off the elevator and outran a bunch of staff successfully.”

“And I benefited from it how?”

“You met me.”

You’re unsure if he’s flirting with you, but your face heats up regardless. “Yet I’ll never see you again. But… I enjoy your company. And I appreciate your kindness.” When you look up from the ground, he’s handing you his phone, the keypad open.

“Let’s keep in touch.”

At first, you’re a little stunned at his boldness. But you accept his offer, typing in your phone number and letting him do the same with your phone right after. “I’ll try to text you back when I can. I’m pretty busy.”

“And I’ll try to not keep my phone on silent. I’ve missed so many interviews because of it…”

“For part-time jobs?” You nod. “I later learned they weren’t paying what they should be, so I guess I dodged a bullet.”

“Do you have a job now?”

“I work at a convenience store for income. My mom’s always saying I never needed to take a part-time job claiming we’re somewhat rich, but I wanted a bit of independence for myself. And I get free food and snacks sometimes, so that’s a bonus.”

“If I come visit, will I get free food?”

“Convenience store snacks are cheap enough already. Maybe I’ll give you ₩489 off.”

(₩489 = 0.50 cents)

He laughs at your offer. “I’ll take it.”

The door suddenly opens, five other men coming in all at once, stopping once they notice the two of you sitting together against the wall.

“Hello.” Jongseob greets, getting up. “Who’s that?” One of them asks, looking at you. “A… friend.” He responds.

“How did she get in here?”

“Long story.”

Their stares are reasonable, yet they make you feel uncomfortable as you feel out of place cooped up against the wall. Jongseob seemed to notice, shooting you a quick question. “Are you okay?”

The sound of his has your head turned to face him as you nod, acting like you weren’t spaced out prior. “I’m fine. This is the rest of your group?”

“Yeah. You can stay for practice if you’d like. I’ll ask Keeho.”

Surely they wouldn’t mind, you were just afraid you’d misinterpret their gazes for glares that would scare you off. “I would, but I should go. I already texted my mom earlier that I’d be leaving while she was still working. But I’ll leave. I don’t want to be… distracting.”

“You aren’t distracting at all.” He attempts to reassure you.

“Says the one who was looking at me through the mirror’s reflection.”

“Jongseob, should we warm up?” One of the boys asks, taking off their hoodie and beanie while they all simultaneously look at the two of you. That was an indirect invitation saying that they were about to start, him getting up his spot and lending you a hand to do the same.

“Thank you, Jongseob. I’ll text you.” He nods with a smile as you leave the room, your fast paced steps almost being heard from the inside of the room.

“Who was that, Jongseob?” Theo asks as the youngest walks over. “A new friend. She kinda abandoned her mom unintentionally and hid in here from the staff.”

“Oh, her. The people downstairs were talking about it.” Intak adds.

“In a good way or a bad way?”

“Mixed. How come her mom brought her here?”

“Y/N’s planning to work in the industry as a makeup artist, and her mom wanted to show her a potential place for hiring since she’s already working here.”

“She said she’d text you.” ‘What does that mean?’ Keeho meant to ask.

“I gave her my number.”

They’re all surprised, wide eyed and everything. “Really?”

“I wanna talk to her more. I think you guys scared her off.”

“We don’t look scary.” Intak looks at himself, then everybody else. Jongseob’s eyes dart over all five of them briefly. “You guys look terrifying.”

“As if you weren’t wearing the same thing when you left the apartment.” Theo sneers, looking at him weirdly. “Hey, she liked my hair and I saved her from a bunch of staff. I’m a pretty approachable person even with the coverups.”

“You approached her.” Theo retorts.

“And?”

Intak, very obviously antsy, whines. “Can we just start, please? We’ll talk about this later.” He groans in distress, convincing the rest of the boys to move on. Keeho speaks up first from the sea of silent stares.

“Let’s go, then.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

On the way home from school, you usually take the shift right after at the convenience store you worked at. It was close to home but not far from school, you managed to be on time for majority of your shifts.

Your coworker seemed to be eye candy for the girls your age that came in, but you saw him more as an older brother figure. He was super nice and always filled in for when you weren’t feeling well, and frankly, you thought it was a bit strange girls your age were pining over a man in his late 20s.

You had your fair share of attraction to more famous people that were older than you, but the fact you knew your coworker long enough to know things about him kind of made some situations awkward. Sure, he was cute, but come on. He’s practically looking for an actual job already and the fact he’s stuck with you is because he actually enjoys his part-time and you two were always only available for the same time slot every day.

You weren’t working today. You knew he was. So you assumed that it would just be a straight shot walk home.

Until you remembered you were a victim of verbal harassment.

You never did anything wrong, you were just laughed at and picked on by a specific group of girls for a reason you didn’t know. You always believed it was because you were prettier than them, given that their crushes ended up all mutually pining over you rather than them.

It’s a joke that you laugh at with them at times, yet the girls still don’t seem to like you.

At least they weren’t cutting your hair or anything. You could take words but you couldn’t take a pencil being dug into your hand.

So when you saw those girls turn the corner, you ran, fingers crossed they didn’t see you.

“Y/N, come back! We have something to tell you!”

They saw you.

With your backpack almost falling off, and the sound of rapid footsteps that sounded like they were getting closer, you spot the convenience store you worked at and run in, your coworker behind the desk and watching you hide behind the shelf closest to the wall.

At first, you’re panting, out of breath and coughing as you try to get it back.

“Y/N?”

You look up.

Jongseob is standing there, fridge door held open by his hand with a drink in the other, small clouds of steam coming from the cool air hitting the heated room. “Hi.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You would’ve told him the truth if the story was so long. You peek up from the shelf, fully standing up when you see no one there. “Are you hiding from someone?” He asks, obviously and reasonably clueless as he lets the door close. You merely nod, seeing the girls out of the corner of your eye through the glass and ducking down again, dragging Jongseob along with you.

The bell above the door rings as shuffling can be heard going towards the counter.

“Shin-Il! We saw Y/N come in here, did you see her?” One of the girls’ ear piercing voices rings in your ears, their attempt at acting cute and desperate simply making you cringe. Luckily you told your coworker about your complicated situation with these girls. “No, sorry. She isn’t working today.”

While you’re mentally pleading that they don’t care enough to check around the store, Jongseob’s eyes stay on you and dart around just in case, being able to hear the brief conversation as he stares.

“We’re looking for her! Are you sure she isn’t in the bathroom or something?”

“She isn’t here. Maybe she went somewhere else.”

They all whine, leaving the store as you let out a sigh of relief. You look up to see Jongseob offering you a hand, which you accept, helping you up as you lean against the fridge door, in disbelief that those girls were so clueless.

“Why were they looking for you?”

“They hate me, that’s why.”

“Why would they hate you?”

“Because I’m prettier than them. Long story.”

“The boys they liked all ended up liking Y/N collectively. Friendly with the boys, tormented by the girls.” Shin-Il suddenly appears out of nowhere, handing you a small bottle of water. “Who’s this, Y/N?”

“My friend.”

“How do you two know each other?” Jongseob asks.

“We work together part-time. We always end up picking the same shifts, and I make sure she doesn’t get killed by her fellow classmates when they come to visit.”

“Are these girls really bullying you, Y/N? Have you brought it up with anyone?” Jongseob asks, the worry noticeable in his tone. “They haven’t physically harmed me. When you consider all the details, they’re just jealous.”

“I don’t know any of the details, and that’s why I’m concerned.”

“I’m fine, Jongseob, really. I think I just… need to stay in here for a while. Just in case they’re in any of the other stores.”

“I can walk home with you, if you’d like.” He starts. “Um, just in case they show up or something, I can like, cover you–“

“I’d like that.”

You cut him off with your straightforward answer, and he seemed to be content as he sends you a closed lip smile. “Are you ready to go? Do you want anything?” He asks, looking out the window just in case. “I haven’t eaten lunch today, but I don’t have enough money on me.”

“I can pay for you. Get whatever.”

“Really? But I don’t know when I’ll pay you back.”

“You don’t have to if you can’t.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“Jongseob–“

“Y/N, please. It’s okay, really. If you want to stay here and eat, you can do that too. I’ll wait.”

You feel a bit guilty as you get yourself dosirak and a small container of banana milk, seated at the window seat as Jongseob pays for your food. He sits down beside you, looking at the window and staring at you through your reflection in it. “Is it okay if you can tell me why those girls don’t like you?”

You swallow. “It’s really not a big deal, Jongseob.”

“Yes, it is. I know we’ve only ever talked a few times through text, but I’m… it sounds concerning that they’re willing to chase you for a few insults.” You sigh, taking a sip of your banana milk before trying to rack together all the pieces of the story.

“Well, Shin-Il kind of explained it to you already. Those girls have a crush on some guys, and those guys, at one point, ended up liking me. Now I just make fun of them for it as an inside joke, so I’m friendly with them. They don’t like me in that way anymore. Those girls dislike me because the guys liked me instead of them. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah. That’s… stupid.”

“It is. They’re too ignorant to see that there’s really nothing there anymore. Otherwise, I feel we could be good friends. But I’m patient enough to wait until they realize their harassment was for a reason thats existence already faded away.” You continue to wolf down on your food, as hungry as you were, Jongseob merely keeping watch outside and of you. To make sure you weren’t choking, of course.

As you leave the store and your walk home begins, so does the empty feeling in the air.

“Are you sure the walk home isn’t far?” You ask. “No, I’ll be okay. It won’t be dark for a bit.”

“And… I promise I’ll pay you back, okay?”

“You really don’t have to…”

“Yes, I do. I know you’re an idol and all that, but you’re still a human with morals.”

“If you insist. But if you can’t, you don’t have to.”

“I will.”

Jongseob’s beanie hides his vibrant purple hair, and as much as you are disappointed you aren’t able to see it, you understand that it would be a dead giveaway that he was in the entertainment industry.

“I watched your show the other day.”

“Really? How did I do?”

“You were awesome! I think it’s cool that there’s an idol out there my age, and I’m friends with you, no less. You looked really good, too.”

“Thank you…” He wasn’t expecting to get so flustered over your compliments. Lucky he had no choice but to wear his mask. Jongseob watches as you bring your phone to your ear as you send a greeting over to the person on the other side of the line.

“I’m coming, I’m on my way home.”

“Yes, I’m okay. I’m with a friend right now.”

“He’s walking home after me, he’ll be okay.”

“Look, can you not be go crazy over this right now? I’ll talk to you later.”

“What do you mean ‘you want to meet him’?! You never want to meet anyone!”

“Okay, okay, fine, just stop screaming in my ear. Bye.” You end the call and let out a frustrated growl as you tighten your grip on your phone. “Everything okay?” Jongseob asks hesitantly.

“Just because I said I’m walking home with a ‘he’ my mom’s freaking out over it and now she wants to meet you.”

“I think I’ve run into your mom while at headquarters. She acknowledges me but is usually in a rush.”

“She’s usually late, that’s why. But she always gets one step ahead of her work, so she always gets excused. But seriously, is it just because you’re a guy that she wants to meet you? She didn’t ask to meet my other female friends and they just met her voluntarily while walking with me.”

“What about your dad?”

“Overseas for work. He’s coming back in a few weeks. He’s much more laid back. I think my mom is a bit… overprotective. I can understand that, but she could’ve asked me to introduce you without screaming at me…”

“Is she… abusing you?”

“God, no! It’s just one of those days, y’know? Maybe she got pissed off she stubbed her toe or something. And just because she always wants to keep watch over me, I feel like retaliating.”

“Is that why you stepped off the elevator?”

“Not really. Maybe.”

He can’t help but smile after uncovering your true motive.

As you approach the door, you have no choice but to knock given that your keys were probably buried somewhere deep in your backpack. Your mom opens the door with a relieved sigh as she opens her arms for a hug, which you reluctantly accept in front of Jongseob. “I’m so sorry for yelling at you, honey, I… I was having a bad day and I took it out on you and I was worried that–“

“Mom. It’s okay, I get it.” She smiles softly, any grudge you held against her melting away instantly. It was surprising how she was able to manipulate you so quickly. “You’re friends with Jongseob?” She asks.

“You know his name?”

“Of course I know his name, your mom works at FNC too.” She says, referring to herself in the third person. “Are you sure you can walk home alone? Isn’t it a bit far by foot?”

“I’ll be okay, ma’am.”

“I can give you a ride, it’ll be much faster.”

“My dorm isn’t too far from here and it won’t be dark for a while. Thank you for the offer.”

“Get home safe, okay?”

“I will. Bye Y/N.” He says his goodbyes as he walks away from the premises of your house, your mom letting you in and closing the door fully. “You didn’t tell me you were friends with Jongseob. I would’ve started bringing you to work after school so you don’t have to stay home alone. I could get you a pass to come in.”

“Isn’t that an abuse of your position?”

“I care about my daughter, what kind of abuse is that?”

You sigh followed by a smile as you begin to head up the stairs.

“You should’ve gotten his phone number before he left!” She yells before you disappear into your room.

“I already have it!” You yell back.

“Since when?”

You freeze, unable to think of an answer.

“Long story!”

“I have time!”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“Shin-Il!”

“Shin-Il, I got this for you!”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Shin-Il!”

You roll your eyes as the countless crowds of girls just keep coming into the store. As much as it was annoying, you were glad you basically hogged all the free time since Shin-Il just had to be at the counter to tend to the flock.

“You could be doing better things right now.” He says, turning back to look at you. “Like what?” You rhetorically ask, looking up from your phone. “Restocking the shelves, cleaning the floors, doing your homework.”

“I am a very diligent student, thank you very much.”

“You don't even go to cram school. What about your fans?”

“I already posted last week. They know how intricate the process can be.” He begins to leave when you stop talking. “Gonna use the bathroom. The minute you stand up, you’re on register duty for the rest of the shift.”

“Then I’m not gonna stand up.”

He snatches the phone out of your hand, dangling it above his head. “Hey!” You jump up, struggling to reach your phone. Curse men for being so tall. “Give it back!” He hands the phone back to you, putting a hand on your shoulder and whispering into your ear.

“Your shift begins now.”

Jerk.

“That wasn’t even fair!” Shin-Il ignores you as you hear a door from a distance shut and lock. You sigh, annoyed, shoving your phone in your pocket before briefly scanning whatever was in view in case it needed restocking.

You don’t seem to be paying attention, because by the time you blink, a person is waiting at the counter.

“I’m so sorry, I’ll take those.” You apologize, embarrassed, scanning the person’s items and bagging them for him. You’re struggling to make eye contact as the person pays you, insisting you keep the change as they walk off. “Next.” You call, the person in line putting his things on the counter.

“Did you find everything you–“ You look up to see Jongseob, an innocent, toothy smile on his face. You noticed his fang, something you couldn’t help but find charming. “Hi.”

“Hi. Slow today?”

“All the customers came for Shin-Il and that’s it. You’re the second person I’ve served today.”

“I’m honored.”

“I don’t even know where he is and why he’s taking so long in the stupid bathroom. Anyways, how come you came here? Isn’t there a place closer to your dorm?”

“I just happened to be in the area. I also wanted to see you.”

Your heart flutters at the thought, but you shove those feelings down before it can reach your head. “Really? You could’ve just went someplace closer.”

“I figured I’d come say hi. I feel like this is the only time we can see each other like this.”

“Like what?”

“Like normal teenagers with normal lives.”

He pays for his items, leaving a container of banana milk out of his grasp. “You forgot–“

“It’s for you. Take it.”

“Jongseob, how am I gonna pay you back?”

“Don’t.”

“But–“

“Shhh.” He leans in, sliding the container towards you. “Let me be nice to you, okay?” He pulls away, acting as if he wasn’t so bold a few seconds ago. “Do you want me to walk you home again? I’ll ask the guys to come find me so I won’t have to walk home alone.”

“I don’t– um... I’ll be off a bit late.”

“Which gives me more of a reason to walk with you. It’s dark and you’ll be alone.”

“You know I don’t live far.”

“And you know that this is a safer decision and you’re ultimately denying it for the sake of my safety and convenience.”

“Jongseob, your safety matters way more than mine. You’re a freaking idol, for God’s sake. And I thought you came alone, what do you mean the guys can find you?”

“We decided to go out together. We ended up splitting up to explore and look around by ourselves. I think I’m the only person that went alone."

"I can tell. Did you ask them if they wanted anything?"

"Theo and Jiung are grabbing food for later." He pauses. "My offer still stands." He reminds, persistent. You look at him, appreciating his kindness but unsure if he was willing to wait. "I don't get off until 8."

"I'll walk around after I eat. You can call me when you're done."

Though you feel a bit guilty, it really seemed like he wasn't backing down. "Sure. Thanks. You're also holding up the line." He smiles before taking his items with him as he finds a seat, you taking the banana milk and sliding it closer to you and to the side. Shin-Il finally comes back after taking who knows how long in the bathroom, eyes landing on your friend.

"He's here again. You two must be close."

"Eh... lucky circumstance. What were you even doing in the bathroom, you weirdo?"

"What else would I be doing besides use it for its intended purpose?"

"No one pisses for 5 minutes, Il. You aren't fooling anyone. Is it that girl you're talking to?"

"I am not talking to anyone."

"When those girls find out they are gonna freak."

"I was buying tickets for a thing."

"I thought all public events were closed. You aren't that slick."

"Okay, maybe it is about that girl, but we're just going somewhere, that's all. But I was buying tickets for an exhibition, she loves art."

"Aw, how cute. So when's the wedding?" You take a sip from the small container of banana milk Jongseob bought for you, noticing he isn't in his seat anymore. How did he eat so fast? "Y/N, can you do restocks? We'll make more sales if I'm at the counter."

"You aren't that handsome. The schoolgirl rush is over, no one's gonna come in."

You were wrong.

Many people came in, just not his usual audience, but at least they weren't all up on him. You could hear the compliments from the fridge, but nothing seemed to bother you or him one bit.

As you take an empty box to the back, you go to grab another one until Shin-Il stops you. "I'll take it from here. Mun-Hee clocked in early. And you have a visitor." He pats your back as you get up, seeing Jongseob waving at you with a smile, taking his phone out and showing you the screen.

"It's 8 o'clock."

At first, you're shocked by his dedication, but frantically hurry to the back to clean up and grab your things in order to not keep him waiting. When you get back, you see him talking with your coworker, and you interrupt in order to stop Shin-Il from potentially saying anything embarrassing.

"All ready? Let's go."

You both say your goodbyes as you walk out the store, Mun-Hee nudging Shin-Il in the side. "Kid's got a boyfriend now?" She asks, only receiving a shrug in return. She's content with the answer, going back to your unfinished restocking job.

"You really did mean it when you said you'd wait."

"Of course I did. Why wouldn't I?"

"Sometimes people change their minds or things happen out of their control that they just can't make it."

"I just walked around the park nearby and stuff. And– oh, I just remembered something." He stops, taking his beanie off and putting it on your head, revealing the alluring lavender that coloured his hair, something you secretly found appealing. You don't even have time to process that you were wearing the hat that covered his beautiful colour. "Jongseob, your hair. People might recognize you."

"Brought an extra. It's a bit late, so I doubt I'll get asked for a photo."

"So you planned this?"

"Whenever you send me selfie updates, you're never wearing a hat. You aren't even wearing a scarf, are you not freezing?"

"I am. I didn't think it'd get this cold, so I didn't bring one since it was warmer this morning."

"It'll always be colder at night, Y/N. You need to remember that, especially since you're working late."

"Did you even wash this?"

"Five times through the cycle. You seem to like it when we see each other, and conveniently, colder weather is approaching so I thought you should have it. You don’t have any hats at home?”

“I forgot to bring one. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. No need to pay me back, by the way.”

By the time you look back at him, his hair is covered again with another beanie, his stealthiness making you stifle a chuckle. “What?”

“I like your hair. I sometimes wish you didn’t have to hide it.”

“Well, I don’t necessarily hide it, I usually just wear hats because it’s more comfortable for me. A lot of people are dyeing their hair now, so I don’t think I’ll get recognized if I didn’t wear one.”

“How many people have you seen with purple hair in public?”

“Quite a few people, actually. So do you want me to take it off?”

“Huh? Why? Aren’t you cold?”

“At least I have a scarf. And you said you wished I didn’t have to hide it.”

“Weren’t you the one who said we shouldn’t risk anything when asking to walk me home?”

“Fair. But that’s a completely different scenario. I took a risk going down the path I’m still on today.”

“That is irrelevant.”

“Worth a shot.”

He walks with you to your door again, ringing the doorbell as you waited an unusually long time for your mom to answer.

“My mom said she could get me a card for FNC so I could stay there instead of alone at home after school. I tell her once and I’m already being pampered.” You laugh, Jongseob’s face lighting up. “Really? You should text me when you arrive! I’ll come find you, and I won’t bother if you have homework to do!”

“She hasn’t gotten it for me yet, I’m still thinking about it.”

“You should say yes so we can see each other in person more often! As long as your school isn’t far from headquarters, though.”

“We see each other when we call.”

“Seeing you like this is often just my luck. Otherwise I’m busy practicing or resting in the dorms. I like being able to talk to you in person.”

And as he smiles, that same one always on his face whenever you two seem to be together, you remember that he’s still just a kid. He’s the same age as you and he’s already in the spotlight, under the watchful eyes of so many fans through their screens.

You get to see him beyond that screen. You’ve been able to see him, meet him, know him beyond his idol persona. And he’s comfortable enough to share who he really is with you. You feel grateful for that.

The front door opens, your mom welcoming you in and noticing your friend by the door as well. “Jongseob, what a nice surprise! Such a coincidence you two ran into each other again. Thank you for walking with Y/N.”

“You’re welcome, Mrs. L/N.”

“Do you need a ride back?”

“Jongseob!” Someone calls, a group of five guys crowded outside your house, which you then identify as his group. “Let’s go, dude! Food’s gonna get cold.” Another one adds.

“I should get going. See you tomorrow, hopefully?” He asks, almost promising.

“Yeah. See you tomorrow.”

You both stand there for a moment, looking at each other as if you were anticipating something as your mom goes ahead inside, the door still open. He suddenly steps forward and wraps his arms around you, one of his hands resting on top of your head.

You’re surprised, but return the hug carefully before he pulls away, sending you a small wave as he goes to join his group in departing.

Jongseob feels an elephant in the room as he walks with them, Theo carrying on a conversation that didn’t seem to make the vibe go away. It doesn’t seem to until they all got back to the dorm, when they started eating.

“That’s a different hat. What happened to the other one?” Intak asks rhetorically. “Y/N had it.” Soul answers nonchalantly, not seeming to understand the sarcasm behind it. “I gave it to her. She was cold.”

“Is she borrowing it?” Jiung asks. “I gave it to her. It’s hers now.” Jongseob reiterates, his point clarified.

“How does Soul know her name and we don’t?” Keeho asks, mouth full. “I talk to her all the time, do you not hear?” Everyone but Soul shakes their head. “She’s nice.” Soul adds.

“Hopefully she can come after school tomorrow. Her mom is trying to get her admission in so she doesn’t have to stay at home.”

“You met her mom?” Intak asks, Jongseob nodding. “I run into her in the halls, sometimes in the elevator.”

“What was the hug for? I swore she looked like she could’ve fallen asleep in your arms.” Theo asks, pointing out something that had Jongseob questioning.

“I… I don’t know.”

his first crush.

“I was feeling nice, I guess. It was cold. She looked cold.”

Jongseob didn’t really have a reason. He couldn’t think of why he left you off with a hug that night. The question kept him up all night.

Along with the speed of his racing heart.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

seob

seobie

jongseob

hi sorry

whats up?

my mom is looking for you what dance room are you in

why is she looking for me?

has to give you something? idk she told me to ask

okay im in 205

thanks

Jongseob puts his phone down and goes back to warming up, taking off his hat and focusing on himself. More specifically, his hair.

‘I really like your hair. I sometimes wish you didn’t have to hide it.’

Why couldn’t he get that out of his head?

As the song begins to end, he hears a knock on the door, finishing off and pausing the music before answering. He opens the door to reveal you, still in your school uniform.

“Hi!” You greet. At first, he’s stunned. You’re really here, and you’re really visiting him. “I got a card from the front desk.” He’s still standing there, jaw slack, staring at you in disbelief. All of a sudden, he’s hugging you, hiding your face in his shoulder as he looks up to check the halls, guiding you in and closing the door.

“Don’t want them to see you. But hi.” He mutters, clearing his throat after pulling away.

“They know I’m here. Have you warmed up yet? Are the rest of them coming?”

“Not for a while. I think I’ll take a break–“

“You dyed your hair!”

He freezes as your hand goes up to touch it. His color changed from lavender to a deep, light red. “Yeah. Do you like it?”

“It looks really good on you.”

“Do you prefer this or the purple?”

“Honestly, you look good with any color.” You sit down on the ground, opening your backpack but pausing before going any further. “Can I do my homework? I have one question left and it’s super easy.”

“Go ahead.”

Jongseob can’t help but focus on you the whole time, when you take your papers and pencils out, when you read through the worksheet, when you begin to write, so concentrated in the moment. He finds himself staring, and you do too.

“All done.” You look up to see him returning your gaze, something there when your eyes meet. “What was so interesting about me and my schoolwork?”

“Huh?”

“You were staring at me.”

He flushes, shaking his head and denying immediately. “No! I wasn’t!”

“Come on, you can admit it. You think I’m pretty.”

“I–“

“I think you’re pretty.”

You cut him off, answering with no shame and an innocent smile on your face. He can’t help but think you mean more than you really do. “You do?”

“Oh, I do. Your hair, your face, your style. It all compliments so well. Take it from me, I’m an artist.”

He thinks to himself as you await his answer. “I think you’re pretty too.”

“Really?”

“Really pretty.”

You both have the same kind of war going on in your head. You wish the other really meant it, but something was holding you back from believing they did. To outsiders, you looked like two people in love. In your head, you were hoping he really meant what he was saying.

“I, um, hope you don’t mind if I stay in for practice. And I do want to talk to you before your members get here.” You try to divert the conversation with the atmosphere telling you closure was needed. “Yeah, we’re working on our comeback actually, so…” He holds out his pinkie.

“You have to promise not to tell anyone. Not a peep.”

You lock your own with his. “Promise.” You both giggle at the gesture as your fingers pull away. “I know this is gonna sound like a really stupid, cheesy question, but do you mean it?”

The way you start off catches his attention. “Do I mean what?”

“When you said I was pretty.”

He’s stunned, stuck in place as he stares at you while forgetting to answer. “I know we’re still young, but I’ve had my heart toyed with before. And all he did was laugh.” You scooted closer to him. “So what I’m asking is, ‘seob, do you really think I’m pretty? Or are you just being nice?”

“What answer are you hoping to hear?”

“That you do. That you mean everything you’ve ever said to me.”

He’s frozen, all he can do is stare into your eyes as you await a response. “Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, I do mean it. You, Y/N, are one very pretty girl.”

“How many pretty girls do you see while out for work?”

“Many. None of them are as pretty as you.”

her first crush.

You know you’re the one that instigated this conversation, but still, you can’t help but blush at his response. “You’re all red.” He points out. “Do my words really mean that much to you?”

“All I wanted was closure.”

The door opens, Jongseob patting your head and joining the rest of the guys as if he didn’t just have you melting a few seconds ago.

You sat in the corner of the practice room, your face still hot, and your eyes focused on Jongseob the entire time.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

i want you to come visit but my mom isnt letting any visitors in the house

how come?

apparently we’re having a dinner party here in a few days or something? idk shes trying to keep it clean beforehand cuz my dad is finally coming back from his trip

he’s been overseas for how long??

a few months now, some promotion that he got resulted in him staying longer

oh wow

well you could come over to my dorm

actually?

i gotta ask the guys first

oh if u have to ask then its okay maybe next time

they said yes

i hear them cleaning up

what

are you coming or not

omw

You knock on their door, and when no one responds, you call Jongseob, and it suddenly opens to reveal sight of him holding the phone up to his ear.

“You have… a lot of stuff.” He points out, eyeing the large bag you’re carrying. “Are you sleeping over or something?”

“I actually… if it’s okay with you… wanted to do your makeup. I know you’ve been saying how much you want to try it and stuff and I figured we could do it if I saw you today but I forgot to ask–“

“Absolutely. Yes, please, come in, no one’s in my room. ‘Cause… I share a room, and, Jiung’s out and the rest are watching a movie.”

“I get it. I get your whole rooming thing. Am I gonna be in trouble for being here?”

“Not if you don’t get caught.”

“How mischievous of you. If you were to ever get into a scandal with me, would you care?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t mind that at all.”

You laugh it off as if your face wasn’t on fire, closing the door to his shared room.

“Ew, are they gonna make out in there?” Intak says in disgust with fake repulsion. “Just because Jongseob can get a girlfriend and you can’t is not a valid reason to be petty.” Keeho holds back his laugh. “Theo– you can’t say that! That is not funny!”

“Then why are you laughing?”

“…watch the movie.”

Meanwhile, in Jongseob’s room, you finish off his base, tapping brushes against palettes before gently stroking the pigments against his face. His eyes, specifically. The medium shade brought out the orange in his hair, but really, you’ve been wanting to try out a specific look for a while.

“Keep your eyes closed.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Why?”

“Makes me feel old.”

“You’re older than me.”

“I’m the same age as you. Now hush.”

He blows a raspberry as you do his eyeliner, a miracle it didn’t smudge or that you didn’t mess up in any way. It was almost adorable how eagerly he nodded when you showed him your container of extra rhinestones.

You hand him a mirror, putting your extra equipment away before finding a tube of lipstick. “Wow.” is all he says until he puts the mirror down and sees you putting on said lipstick. “Oh, you were actually gonna… do that part?”

“Oh, no. I was just swatching. It’s a pretty shade, don’t you think?” Your lips are painted with a vibrant shade of red, bold and eye-catching as you turned to face your friend who’s struggling to keep his jaw from hanging. “Yeah. Really… bright.”

“Well, you know my style. Bold and bright. I decided to… take a break for a change. And I took it out on you.”

“You call this a break? I look fabulous.”

“It’s the rhinestone effect. But yes, this is a break since I only do my face most of the time. And the colours are neutral, but defined. Makeup therapy for me is a total stress reliever, but obviously my face can’t handle powders daily. And… I really needed this, especially after this week.”

“Exams?”

“I took them already.”

“This early?”

“I’m taking AP classes since I don’t do cram school. My school is aware, and honestly, surprised at my career choice. Peer pressure is getting to me more than it should.”

“I hope you don’t feel guilty about this in any way. You’re so talented.”

“My only talent is this. Maybe I’ll work behind the scenes in the entertainment industry all my life. And… there’s something else I need to tell you.”

“What is it?”

You exhale. “I got the job.”

“The job?”

“I’m your travelling makeup artist. I’ll be going with you for future tours and everything.”

He can’t stop his jaw from dropping now. “No way. You’re serious?” He asks, watching you nod eagerly as a big smile grows on his face, going in for a hug which you tightly return. “Y/N– that’s amazing! Does this mean I’ll get to see you every day?”

You nod. “It’s why I’m taking AP. Maybe I’ll switch next year, but I’m exempt from classes because of my success.”

“Wow, so privileged.”

“I’m just good at my job.”

You hear him chuckle, his eyes focused on you and that damn red lip. “I’m proud of you. I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank you.” You stifle a laugh. “I’m sorry, it’s just hard to take you seriously with the makeup.”

“You’re the one that did it!”

“You’re never in my style, and it’s over the top!”

The door opens and you immediately pull away from Jongseob, taking out cleansing products after sorting everything else in your bag. Theo stands there, still, staring at your friend all glammed up.

“How do I look?” Jongseob asks with dramatic poses to show off his makeup, Theo taking out his phone and taking pictures of him silently. “You did this?” He asks you, pointing at the boy that had your heart racing. “Did I do good?”

“He looks great. You should come out and show the guys.”

“I don’t wanna watch the movie out there though.”

“You can go back in here and continue making out with Y/N or whatever it is that you were doing in here in the first place.”

“I was not– hey!” Theo’s dragging Jongseob out of the room by his wrist, unable to keep his grip on the doorframe as you hear him groan. You can all hear the guys gushing over Jongseob’s face from the room, poking jokes at him and teasing him.

“Is that lipstick? Did she kiss you?!”

“No, no, nothing like that! She was swatching and it must’ve smudged on me…”

“I thought you two were kissing when I walked in.”

“We hugged.”

“Sure.” One of them snarkily replies.

“I’m gonna tell you who dies if you don’t stop talking.” You hear Jongseob threaten, referring to the movie that was currently on pause in the living room.

“No!”

He silently comes back to the room, seeing you sitting there, cleansers still out as he shuts the door. “Is there really lipstick on me?” He asks, turning his head so you could see all angles of his face. “Oh, right there. How did I not notice that?” You get up with a makeup wipe, swiping it gently against the mark until is goes away.

It was only until you moved away that you noticed how close you were, and that he notice something missing. “You wiped off your lipstick already?”

“I told you I was swatching. I took photos.” ‘And I could see the way you looked at me.’ You thought. “I’d like to post them, but you’re an idol and all, so…”

“A shame, really. Do you wanna eat? Jiung got some takeout, and I don’t wanna take off your hard work for a little while.”

“Sure, but don’t expect me to take you seriously while you’re all glammed up.”

“You did this to me!”

“We are not having this conversation again.”

his first love, where he can’t imagine being with anybody else but you.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Jongseob’s met a lot of pretty girls. As an idol, it’s only natural he has to work with them, be in the same premise as them. Yet he can never see anything more to them because they aren’t like you.

Your snarky replies, your teasing, your genuine questions and need for reassurance, your automatic response to rely on him, contact him whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed. Maybe it was because he’s spent so much time with you that he built this connection, but he learned that no one else could replicate this feeling he was so comfortable with.

This feeling that he only felt with you.

His members teased him mercilessly, especially on your first day on the job. You were assigned to him and specifically him (according to a colleague, he requested you), and every time anyone of his fellow group saw you working so close with him, they’d start laughing.

Jiung and Intak would take Jongseob’s phone from him if they were to ever find him on call with you. Keeho would give him those looks whenever he saw him smiling at his screen, and on his screen was you. Theo and Soul… they left him alone for the most part. They’d say hello and you guys would chat, but of course, Theo with his natural older brother energy, would occasionally tease him about it, usually through complaints.

“Jongseob, can you stop talking to your girlfriend and go to sleep? We have practice tomorrow.”

“Geez, you wanted her to swatch on you, didn’t you?”

“Watch where you’re going with that! I know you’re practically in love with her, but you should still pay attention to your surroundings!”

Soul simply encouraged the idea of you two together.

“She really likes you, I can tell.”

“Will you be out of the dorm more often when you two start dating?”

“You got her a ring? When is the wedding?”

And all Jongseob really wanted was to figure out if you really did like him or not. Because he felt like he could never experience such euphoria with anyone other than you.

He was only 18, why did he seem so sure about this? His mind was certainly older.

The door to the studio opens, and you enter, dropping your school bag onto the floor and looking absolutely spent.

“Are you okay?” He asks as you walk over, head in his chest. “Not even a hello?” You joke, looking up at him. “Tired. Long day. School’s a real pain in the ass when you have things to do outside of it. You’re lucky you’re busy enough that you don’t have to go.”

“Sometimes I wish I could. I’d enroll at your school and take all the classes with you so I’m not alone. Speaking of school, what happened to those girls who chased you?”

“Oh, them?” You laugh. “We’re cool now. One of them apologized to me. The rest followed. It took one longer than the rest to muster up the courage. They thought I hated them which is why they couldn’t talk about it in the first place, which is understandable.”

“Did you forgive them?”

“Not right away. I accepted their apology, but I’ll talk to tomorrow. It’s a little bit scary leaving work in fear of being chased and they kinda ignited that in me. I could never hate them, though. Maybe that’s a lie, but I guess when I thought I hated them, I was just afraid.”

“You’re so insightful it’s honestly attractive.” You look at him, amused. “Are you flirting with me, Jongseob?”

“Oh, I’m just being honest.”

“Sure. Your birthday just passed and your ego is suddenly through the roof.”

“Well, I am Kim Jongseob, so maybe my ego should’ve been through the roof a while ago.”

“Now you’re just sounding arrogant.”

“I’m just better.” You roll your eyes, looking at the computer in the corner of the room on the counter. “Can I change the music?” You ask, watching him walk over and open the right tab for you. You change the keyboard language to English, searching up a name so fast he doesn’t comprehend that the music already started. You walk away as he stays and reads the name off the screen.

Clementine – grentperez

He looks at you, who happened to already be waiting for him in the center of the room. He walks over, spinning you around and catching you, visibly surprised when the singing begins. “It’s in English?”

“Mhm.”

“Can you understand it?”

“A little bit. Otherwise, I like how it sounds. Can you understand it?”

“I’ve been getting better… at least I try to. It sounds good.”

“I should send you more of his works. I think you’d like those too.” You feel his arms wrap around your waist, pulling you close enough into a hug. “Is this okay?” He feels you nod against his chest, your arms wrapping up and around his neck as the two of you simply sway to the music that filled the room.

To be in Jongseob’s arms, your best friend’s arms, like this was something you didn’t know you wanted to experience for as long as you could. This felt intimate, feeling closer with him like this more than any other hug you’ve shared.

You two probably looked like idiots to anyone that would walk in, but it was just the two of you, and all you could think about was how comfortable it was in each other’s arms.

There’s a spark. A spark that turns into a growing flame when your eyes meet. A flame that you wanted to keep ablaze but was on the edge of extinguishing. “You… you look really pretty.” He suddenly stutters, the flame growing a little bit more. “Thank you.”

“I really want to kiss you. Really, really bad.”

His abruptness catches you off guard, and it’s almost funny how the song began to near its climax.

“I’m sorry, was that too forward? Forget I said–“

“No one’s stopping you.”

It’s so cliche how the song reached its peak when his lips are on yours. You both were young, yet your minds were older. To kiss someone at such a moment for the first time in your life only made you fall in love with him even more, and really, you never thought you’d experience it so soon. With an idol, no less.

“Kim Jongseob!”

The sound of his name makes both of you pull away and look at the door, Intak, Jiung, and Theo standing there like they’ve seen a ghost. “What the hell are you doing?!” Intak exclaims, probably more aggressive than he meant to.

You both stand there, dumbfounded, and it wasn’t until you were back in your head that you both decide to separate from each other instantly. They looked angry. They probably didn’t feel that way, but in the moment, you felt humiliated. One second later, your face is hidden in his chest again, feeling his other hand on your back.

“I’m sorry.” You mutter against him, his hand patting your back reassuringly. “No, there’s nothing for you to be sorry about.”

“Don’t you feel the slightest bit embarrassed? Your friends just walked in on us kissing.”

“Oh, I do, absolutely. They’ll never let me hear the end of it.” You look up at him, and he’s smiling. “Then why don’t you seem that way?”

“Because I was kissing you.” Your heart beats faster than it ever has before when you’re with him. “You’re the only girl they’d want to see me kiss in the first place. Lucky for you, you’re the only girl I’ll ever wanna kiss in my whole life.”

“Since when did you get so romantic?”

“Since the day I met you in this very studio.”

Your worries suddenly melt away at his words, further assured he feels the same way you do.

“I really don’t mean to interrupt this very sentimental moment, but we have practice, so can you guys hurry it up a little bit?” Intak speaks up, appearing behind Jongseob out of nowhere. You pull away, going to get your things in the corner of the room, realizing he was following you. “You’re not gonna stay?” He asks, holding onto your hand.

“I have schoolwork to do, ‘Seob. And I need to talk to my coworkers at my part-time.” He pouts. “I know there’s so much more we need to talk about, but I’m eating into your practice time right now. I’ll call you, okay? We see each other tomorrow. Promise.” You squeeze his hand, feeling his other hand on top of yours.

“I thought you already quit that job.”

“They’re still my friends. I check in with them from time to time.” He sighs. “Goodnight, Y/N.” He kisses your forehead before letting you go.

Once you’re out of sight of the doorway, you can’t help but giggle and jump around out of pure excitement. You catch sight of Keeho and Soul in the hallway, greeting them briefly. “What’s got you so excited?” Keeho asks.

“He kissed me.” You watch his expression change to match yours, jumping around with you in the middle of the hallway. “No way! Are you serious?”

“The rest of them walked in on us…”

“I’ve literally been waiting for months for him to make a move and the one time I decide to leave later– ugh, I’m so happy for both of you!”

“And then he…” You point to your forehead. “He…” Keeho puckers his lips while you nod, the both of you proceeding to squeal almost too loud in the hallway. “Girl, please, you two are literally so freaking cute, you need to tell me more!”

“I really need to leave, I’m sorry!”

“It’s okay, we’ll see you tomorrow!”

You’re on your way to the convenience store, relieved to see both Mun-Hee and Shin-Il behind the counter, both of them equally shocked to see you there. “Y/N! I thought you were working.” Shin-Il says.

“I need to tell you guys something. Can I still come back here?”

“No. But you used to work here, so whatever.” An indirect invitation to come behind the counter given by Mun-Hee. “Judging from the look on your face, you either made progress with Jongseob or made out with Jongseob.” She adds.

“I kissed him, thank you very much.”

“Oh, shit.” She curses. “And he did it first?” You nod. “Damn, girl! He’s really down bad for you!”

“Is he your boyfriend now? He should be.” Shin-Il asks. “We didn’t have time to talk about it… he’s in a dance practice right now and I promised I’d call him.”

“Honey, no. This is the kind of thing you talk about in person. If he’s really dedicated and really loves you, he’d tell you. But with the amount of times you’ve breached health protocols with something to say about him, I think he really does love you in that way. But still, call him later. You promised.”

“You give all this advice as if you’ve ever been in an actual relationship.” Shin-Il jokes, resulting in a death glare from the most helpful former coworker in the moment. “Listen to her, not me.”

“Obviously.”

The welcoming bell chimes as someone enters, coming to the counter as quick as they came in. Mun-Hee looks in awe at the person as he stops at the counter, face lighting up. “We still on for tonight?” He hands her two 5000 won bills.

“Mhm.” She says in the most obvious lovesick tone, sliding the man’s items back towards him as she gives him his change. “I’ll see you later, Mun.”

You hold back a laugh at the nickname, glancing between her and the man as he leaves the store.“Who even is that guy?”

“They’ve been hooking up but then they actually started liking each other for more than the sex. Total K-drama material.”

“She did not need to know that!”

“If she can tell us about her love life, I can tell her about yours.”

“This is something entirely different! And what about you? Does she know that your little girlfriend calls you Shinnie now?”

You can’t hold back your laughter. “Pfft– Shinnie!? You guys are so corny!”

“Don’t you call your boyfriend ‘Seob’?” Shin-Il retorts. “Okay, but that’s just his name shortened. At least she didn’t add or double anything to it.” Mun-Hee reasons, receiving an eye roll from her coworker.

“I can’t believe we’re all in relationships now.” She adds. “I can’t believe you’re in a relationship! You’re so grouchy all the time, it’s hard to believe anyone would love that. You too, Y/N! You’re only 18 and you already kissed someone.”

“You still haven’t kissed anyone at your old age?!” You exclaim.

Mun-Hee sighs. “Can you tell it’s been rough without you here?”

“Definitely.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“So does my dad approve?”

You ask as Jongseob enters your bedroom, shutting the door gently before sitting across from you on your bed. “Of course he approved, I’m Kim Jongseob.”

Your dad had to go on another trip, which was prolonged, right after his first one due to a promotion offer that was promised if he continued to work efficiently overseas for a little longer. He got the promotion. He didn’t come back until mid-2021, and you didn’t tell him about your little relationship until today.

“I bet he’s pissed at me. I swore I meant to tell him, I just forgot.”

“He isn’t. He’s just… very surprised.”

“Understandable. I may or may not have rambled to him about you.”

“Did you say anything embarrassing?”

“No.”

“Then what did you say?”

“He asked me what I loved about you. It’s a long list.”

“We have time.”

He chuckles. “Okay, well, I said I love that you’re such a hard worker, and how devoted you are to anything that you do, how you never settle for less. How there’s a sparkle in your eye only I’m able to see when you get excited. How beautiful you are when you’re at your happiest, when you’re doing something that brings you comfort. Should I keep going?”

You’re too flustered to answer his question. “What did he say?”

“‘When’s the wedding?’”

You hit him playfully, hiding your face in the side of his arm, embarrassed that your face was so warm from something so simple. “You really noticed all of those little things?”

“Of course I did, you’re my girlfriend.”

You wanted to kiss him so bad in that moment, being interrupted by your mom barging in the room. She simply stares at both of you. “You’re nearly 19, I expect you to know what we don’t wanna hear in this house.” She closes the door, Jongseob getting up to lock it this time.

“My mom’s gonna get so suspicious next time she tries to open the door.”

“Valid. But we know our boundaries, don’t we?”

You fulfill what you imagined in your head, kissing him briefly and pulling away when you feel his hand tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear.

“Wanna know something?” He mutters.

“What?”

“I don’t think I could ever love someone else the same way I love you.”

“Is that so?”

“Honey, I admire you. You’re amazing.”

“Speak for yourself, mister. So talented and famous for it. I think we’ve been keeping these words bottled up for years when we were just friends.”

“Mhm. There’s so much more I wanna say.”

“We have time.”

“It’ll take all week.”

“I have all the time in the world when I’m with you.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

🐺: guys where is jongseob

🐶: is he not at y/n’s house??

🐺: we have a shoot tomorrow why is he at y/n’s house

🐿️: the shoot is next week are u dumb

🐺: damn bro mb

☀️: they’re gonna get married someday i just know it

🍟: he wanted her ring size (о´∀`о)

🐺: why is he there anyway??

☀️: he went to meet her dad

🐿️: OKAY JONGSEOB I SEE U MEETING THE FAMILY

🐯: are you guys talking bad about me

🐶: nah we’re just thinking about what kind of ring ur gonna get her

🐯: im still 18 calm down 💀 y/n’s dad said the same thing

☀️: even mr. l/n agrees

🍟: how is y/n?

🐯: she’s good, i actually might stay over tonight

🐺: WHAT

🐶: on a weekday is crazy

☀️: why arent u coming home?

🐯: she fell asleep on me i dont wanna wake her up

🐿️: do you have clothes?

🐯: 👍

🐶: bro is prepared he predicted this

🍟: say hi to her for me!!!!

🐯: alr goodnight guys im lowkey tired

🐺: jongseob sleeping early? thats new

🐯: i hope you have nightmares

and if you’re fadin’, then honey i’ll be fadin’ too. darling, i don’t even know who i am without you. 🎧

[aysathenotsogreat]

hbomberguy posted a video and i have opinions about it

i never made the active choice to stop watching James Somerton's content but when i stopped having a job that'd let me listen to videos for hours straight, I slowly became interested in other creators. i remember finding a couple of his videos contradictory in their analysis and do remember being annoyed by the "white women/teenager girls" comments a lot. oh yeah and that TELOS PICTURES ALWAYS REEKED OF A SCAM. Hearing James describe himself as a business major first in the pitch video weirded me the hell out. I feel like not enough people are talking about this particular part of the story but the man crowdfunded $60k USD and has produced nothing but stock image posters in return after years.

this man saw his community as nothing but to steal from and profit off of and clearly sees himself above those voices he robs. the point in the video that broke me was right in the beginning in the james half was the Mulan section. the tactic of erasing Jes Tom's words and passing it off as a personal observation of the community instantly reminded me of all the times James has confidently talked on the experiences of trans, nb and all queer people of color throughout his career and the fucking similarity of the language. that moment made me pause and scream. it instantly put into scale that this wasn't just one of the first video essays he'd ever made, it was EVERYTHING.

I want to pretend the queer media I see is made from a place of genuine care of the community, all of us do. but we as a collective need to stop catering to the consumption of content sludge. we need to be more critical and more aware. any time james mispronounced a character or place's name, i would always brush it off as a bad voice take kept in because of the videos' length that wasn't fixed in production. no, that was because james didn't care enough to learn the principle facts of the topics he was covering. (him spelling "shonan" in that AoT script made lose it). he wanted our ad revenue and your patreon money and by stealing the work of actually talented queer people, he basically won.

hbomberguy, lovely chaos bisexual, did a service to our community by making sure millenial and zoomer queers will never let this mf try to grift his way into the entertainment industry again. i have more to say about this video, especially illuminaughii bc she's an especially abusive and toxic person who i also watched a fuck ton at my old job. i certainly need be a bit better about where i get my info from, especially if i'm going to be repeating it to someone else. in the age of tiktok and the speed of misinfo there being insane, i just beg us young queers to think a bit more critically before we post.