#eric and devi are back

[catty-words]

not to make every couple in the valentine's episode relate back to daxton (ben and aneesa) but this dialogue of trent's -

- feels like an obvious reflection, especially since it's a would-be breakup coming on the back of daxton's actual breakup. unlike devi & paxton, who were both looking for outside sources (i.e. the test) to confirm their compatibility and then ultimately fail as a couple, eleanor and trent are both aware that something feels off, yet approach the conflict with an entirely compatible theatricality. and being on the same page this way allows trent the space to be vulnerable and speak a truth that devi's also been struggling with: maintaining a relationship with someone who has had more practice than you can be intimidating.

yet, while devi lets that pressure force her deeper and deeper inside her own head, trent lets his go by sharing it with his partner.

when you consider all three relationship arcs for the episode - devi/paxton, ben/aneesa, and eleanor/trent - it interests me most that trent and aneesa get their moments of clarity and catharsis with the truth while devi is stuck watching her relationship crumble around her with very little agency.

as a lover of devi's season one arc, of course, i find it very telling that this reminder sits helpfully in the middle of the daxton downward spiral -

devi viewing paxton as a heal-all for her insecurities is doomed from the start because being with him does not fundamentally change who she is, and the fact that no one played along with her new identity as paxton hall-yoshida's rightful match - not shira, zoe, and carley, not eric with his gossip blog, not haley the helpful troll - in fact made her insecurities worse. the scrutiny only intensified her self-consciousness.

i do mourn daxton's right to a full season arc, but des honestly is such a natural and compelling follow-up to all this. he is completely unattached to sherman oaks high's social hierarchy, which gives devi the space to actually feel cool as someone's girlfriend, and he's indian, which gives her the chance to engage with an aspect of her identity that she mostly ignores.

basically - and i'm sure some of you can say it with me by now - season three is good because it's primarily about devi's identity and agency again.

[fishyyyyy99]

I finished watching my rewatch of Never Have I Ever right in time for season 4 (the last season) of Sex Education, which I just finished watching a few hours ago.

Anyway, I'm just going to brain vomit a bunch of my thoughts, so if you disagree, please do so politely (because fandoms genuinely terrify me sometimes):

Maeve and Otis deserved the Ben and Devi treatment. No, I don't mean that they should have ended up together. Breaking up was the right thing for Otis and Maeve. And I really loved the way it was written, and Maeve's letter to Otis. But Ben and Devi's very special connection was emphasised throughout all four seasons, but I feel like they stopped doing that for Maeve and Otis somewhere along the way (though there were still some very nice scenes). But also, I have to say that in season 1, Maeve and Otis were the BEST (and I have never stopped shipping them simply because of how much I loved them back then). They were my favourite fictional ship ever, back then. I would have been obsessed with them, like I ended up being with Ben and Devi, if they'd stayed that way.

Paxton and Devi deserved the Ruby and Otis treatment. I'm just saying that because more pining is always fun for me. Of course, I wouldn't want Devi to treat Paxton like Otis treated Ruby in the last season, though. Also, I think Ruby was interesting enough that she deserved more space for her individual arc, like Paxton got.

The friendships on Sex Education are chef's kiss. None of the friendships on Never Have I Ever have ever made me feel as much. For me, Ben and Devi's dynamic outshone Devi, Eleanor, and Fabiola's dynamic. But the dynamic between Maeve and Otis eventually ended up being outshone by Maeve and Amy's friendship, in my opinion (and there were several other beautiful friendships portrayed on the show).

I think both shows do portray parent-child relationships quite well, but Nalini and Devi's relationship is my favourite.

I know a lot of people think Sex Education has too many characters, but I will say that I actually ended up interested in all of the characters. I don't think I am as interested in the side characters of Never Have I Ever.

Aimee reminds me a little of Trent, but I like her much better.

Ruby reminds me a little of both Ben and Devi (and Paxton, I suppose).

I wonder what types of conversations Ben and Maeve could have about how their parent-related abandonment issues have made them not feel good enough and have affected their relationships with other people in general, in a hypothetical crossover. It would also be interesting to see the contrast between Maeve's grief over thr death of a parent she both loved and hated, and Devi's grief over the death of a parent she practically worshipped.

Eric exploring his relationship with God as a gay man made me wonder how it would have been if they had done something similar with Aneesa.

Both shows are groundbreaking in different ways.

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #90: On Ice By Eric S. Trautmann

The Parisian stepped out of the taxi. There was supposed to be a club here, but all she saw was a desperate throng of people, police cars, chaos. She stumbled onto the curb, falling into a strong man’s arms. “Oh, pardon moi,” said Claudette, caught up in the man’s eyes. “I’m Marcus… I was just running late, but I think I found the rest of my life.” Flashback, 1926! In the Pulp Storytime offices, we were wondering… Could our 1930s heroes defeat the Chicago mob at the height of its powers? We put Eric S. Trautmann, the genius behind plenty of West End Games' hits, behind the typewriter and he came up with a doozy. Quod he: ‘We start with the two fiercest brawlers we’ve got. Tacíto Velasco, lawyer and boxer inhabited by the Jade Jaguar spirit. Add JP Diamond, ace detective with a bad case of undeath. But we need an egghead, someone with little sugar to mix with all that gunpowder… we’re bringing back a fan favorite, sister Helene Ynez. Electrical genius, woman of the cloth, trained with Einstein. Put in Devika Velyapur too. Kid millionaire, Velasco’s number one client. JP is hired by the Chicago [anti] Crime Commission. A local wise guy has been doing some killing, some bootlegging, and smuggling gems. So our group goes to reporter Eddie Stanchek… who gets whacked, with our heroes caught in the frame job. Normally, they might fight their way out… but they’re smart. Not ‘too smart to get caught’, but smart enough to take on the system… picture it, a Mexican lawyer, taking on the slimiest prosecutor in the Chi Town machine�� and getting off with a mistrial! There’s also this really funny scene where the nun takes off her wimple to sneak into a cruddy smoke joint… but it’s a trap! And how does French Ynez rescue Devi from the mob? By calling in a swarm of truant officers! I guess no one in the Cosa thought to pay them off. The Moon Glow nightclub, that’s gonna be a winner. Owned by the mobsters, but the most glamorous place in town. Our gang will split up. Dressed in her civvies, the sister’ll suffer a case of mistaken identity and get a round of drinks as "Claudette". What French woman could say no? I’m sure the PI will enjoy escorting a drunk nun on a sneaking mission.

Meanwhile, Tacíto is the star of the party. He flirts with the coat check girl and gets a date, as well as the hidden location of the boss’s office. Then, while dancing, a gorgeous woman cuts in to make her palooka boyfriend jealous… when the lunk taps the lawyer on the shoulder, he spins the man around, dips him, makes him look like he has two left feet! The jamoke is laughed out of the room. This isn’t [just] a funny book though, so the danger comes back. The group makes it into boss Tony Torponi’s office… and the first thing the nun does is reach for the champagne. But it’s not cold… Because the ice in the bucket is the missing diamonds!

The detective is about to put everything together, when the mob boss and his hired assassin come in the door. The guy’s all in white, calls himself Frost, a real bad ass. (I know we already had a Chicago villain called Frost, but she had a weather control machine, completely different person.) Frost is a real-deal killer, but JP is ready, jumps in for the gun. Jaguar is a smart customer too, hitting Torponi in the throat. Unfortunately, Frost gets a shot off, and the bouncers investigate the noise. Here comes the mob. Tommy guns at close range! Detective Diamond'll get winged, but the nun is gut shot! She pulls herself together, pulls the fire alarm. Jade Jaguar uses the distraction to barrel through the button men. Our heroes flee the club into the Chicago night, gangsters on their heels… And this is the best part. The only other thing open on the block is a radio station. WXXL* is the hot ticket, and our group gives a diamond to the doorman in order to cut the line.

If you don’t know, radio was often performed for an audience, so our quartet runs into the costume room. While Velasco sews up the nun, JP finds the ultimate disguise, complete with a facemask… The Gray Gargoyle! Mafia leg breakers start to patrol the hallway, so the players duck into somewhere else… Which turns out to be the writers’ room. The Gray Gargoyle has licensed his radio show across the country, but tonight’s episode has hit a snare. This is what they have so far:

(Sound Effect: Seagulls, wind, faint sound of cars passing by) Grey Gargoyle: Give it up Rupert! You've nowhere left to run! Rupert: No, Grey Gargoyle! I've got the gun! And I've got Penelope, your sweetheart. One step closer, and I'll throw her off the bridge! Penelope: Don't listen to him, Gargoyle! Use your Tibetan Mind Break on him! He can't stop you! Rupert: Ha! The Grey Gargoyle can't do that and he knows it! He so much as twitches, and you're history! Grey Gargoyle (internal dialogue, tell Emett to use the echo effect): He's right! If I use my Gargoyle Power, he'll see me start to disappear, and then Penelope is...is...finished. And Kabir Rupert, my arch nemesis, will have beaten me!

JP suggests that the hero reveals his secret Gargoyle gas. The writing team loves it, sends them over to sound effects, where they create a passable noise with a bicycle horn and some spackle wrap. They better hurry though, Marcus, the actual actor who plays the Gargoyle might show up…

Meanwhile, Frost is getting closer, so Velasco explores the building, and finds the VIP audience section. Guess who’s a big fan of the Gargoyle? The Al Capone outfit! Our group won't know how to get close, until JP suggests Al would love to meet the lead actor. We have second until showtime, the group goes through all their evidence… Tony had betrayed the commission, screwed up a framejob, and was clearly after Capone’s money. The would-be kingpin arrives too late to argue his case, earning himself not a crown but a pair of concrete boots. Crime solved, the group has to rush to the stage. The only question left: how’ll the Mexican lawyer do on his date?’ READ ‘ON ICE’ IN OUR NEXT ISSUE! [*Not a sponsor! -Ed] Sister Helene:

[nicholerhe]

This is a bit longer than drabble length, but I saw this post and was inspired to emerge from my usual lurking state to take up the challenge lol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I shared one of my deepest, darkest secrets with you and you're laughing," Ben says, trying (mainly failing) to keep a straight face. Beside him, Devi has her face buried in her pillow, her laughter muffled. She tries to say something too, but he can't seem to make out her words.

"Hate to break it to ya, David,” Ben starts, laying a comforting hand on her back, “but I can't - in fact - hear you through your pillow."

“I said…” She lifts her head up, her arms still tucked under her pillow. “I’m in awe at just how vividly you remember that one dream.”

“You don’t remember any of your dreams?” Ben raises an eyebrow at her.

“Not really,” she replies, upon a moment’s consideration. “How do you remember your dreams so clearly?”

"Hm, let’s see… you - the love of my life, soulmate, and hell, my perfect match - took my virginity. Mine. Me, the inexperienced fool, totally and completely in love with you, and didn't realise it. While you were off getting sexual experience with a certain bad boy, I was off getting sexual experience with the palm of my hand - so yes, I had dreams. Vivid dreams. And yes, most of those dreams pushed the limits of reality, but I really think--"

Before Ben can finish that thought, Devi kisses him, hand on his chin to pull him closer. His stubble feels scratchy against her face.

He whispers once they pull apart: "talking too much...?" They're inches away from one another, with her hand still cradling his chin.

"Your perfect match?" Devi asks, a breathless echo of his own words. Her thumb traces gentle circles into his skin.

"Well, yeah," he replies, his eyes tracing each and every detail on her face. He cups the hand under his jaw, lowering it down onto the bed. "I have proof, too." In one swift motion, he retrieves his phone from his back pocket with his other hand (the hand not holding Devi's), unlocks it (with the password 0-4-2-7 that she knows like the back of her hand), and starts scrolling through his photo album.

He flips through several of the recent photos – mostly either school-related or selfies with the two of them – before stopping at one picture and angling his phone towards her. It's a picture of a Valentine's card, specifically one of the cards Eric handed out junior year of high school. It’s a little blurry but she can just make out the edge of Ben's lamp in the background. Printed in big, blocky lettering in the center of the card is her name. First and last. Well, that’s... something.

"I thought you got Aneesa..." Devi looks up from the phone, meeting the loving eyes of her boyfriend. He shakes his head, slow yet firm. "I did not get Aneesa,” he echoes after her.

She’s quiet for a moment, taking in everything from the way he’s looking at her with those beautiful blue eyes to the way her stomach turns to knots even now, even after all this time they’ve been dating. And in that moment, she makes a snap decision.

"Hey, that's my phone..." He reacts mere seconds after Devi snatches the device from his fingers.

“Is it?” She passes the phone between her fingers on one hand. "Oops…"

Devi leans over the edge of the bed to set it gently – making sure not throw it -- on the wooden floorboards. Once she's back sitting upright on the bed, she notices Ben with an amused grin on his face, cocking his head to the side.

"What?” Devi exclaims, hands raised defensively in front of her. “I didn't want to break it!"

"How thoughtful of you, David,” Ben quips. Then, his face turns more serious: “What’re you doing?”

“What did I do next,” Devi starts, hoisting her leg across his body, “in the dream?”

With how close she is, how her hands are splayed across his chest, and just how lovely she looks sitting before him, Ben finds it exceedingly difficult to answer her question – or even realise she asked a question at all.

“Actually, scratch that.” Devi places a delicate finger to his lips. Then, tracing a line down from his chin to his chest, she wraps both arms around his neck. Holding him close, she brings her lips close to his ear to whisper: "let me take charge." She fidgets with the fabric of his shirt collar. "We both know you like it better this way." Her breath tickles his inner ear, sending shivers down his spine. "And I like it better this way, too."

I need a drabble where Ben tells Devi about his dream and they act it out.

[lunaschild2016]

Close To You - Part 1[Eric/Devi]

Rated: M

Title and inspiration from Close To You by Maxi Priest

Summary: Devi and Eric’s story continues, but this time we see things from Eric’s eyes. It was her belief in him that sparked them finally coming together, but where did it really start for Eric? The life of a childhood sweetheart, conspiracies, and the fate of the city all hung over his head. He didn’t need to be wondering how to get close to the tiny amity with fire in her eyes and a mouth to match. He didn’t need to worry and wonder about how he could find a way to just be close to her.

@kenzieam  @pathybo  @jaihardy @every-jai @ericdauntless @beautifulramblingbrains @bookgirlthings @jojuarez26 @oddsnendsfanfics @offroadinjandals @singingpeople @iammarylastar @irasancti @captstefanbrandt @clublulu333 @fuckthatfeeling @tigpooh67 @ex-bookjunky  @jughead-wuz-here wuz-here @badassbaker @beanzjellly @beltz2016 @meganbee15 @affabletimelady @scorpio2009 @gylisaa @geekybeyondallreason @violetsonthelam @kyloswarstars @emmysrandomthoughts @kgurew @beltzboys2015-blog @slytherin-princess-25273 @whatwouldbuffydo666 @jaiboomer11 @holamor @wealwayskeepfighting @original46  @blakefc @xtheserpentx  @artisthedgehog

She had an attitude I can't explain

You never know if you’re in flame

Tying me up with elastic words

I'm on a countdown till I get hurt

Her blood was hot she burned so bright

A neon sign there in the night

It's hard to say if I went too far

My heart still bares the scar

I just want to be close to you

And do all the things you want me to

I just want to be close to you (I just want to be close to you, baby)

And show you the way I feel

[Close To You; Maxi Priest]

Part 1

“What’s wrong with her?” I ask for what feels like the hundredth time since I stepped foot into the shit hole that Dauntless calls a clinic.

Once again I watch the nurses flutter around the girl on the bed, clucking like hens and completely ignoring me.

I run a hand through my hair and restrain myself from punching something or someone in frustration but I can’t completely restrain my impatience at being ignored.

That’s not something I’m willing to stand for, initiate status or not.

“Will someone tell me what the fuck is wrong with her!” I move up to stand right in front of one of the nurses that have stepped away from the bed and loom over her.

She’s wearing blue scrubs, meaning she’s from Erudite and most likely the one person in this place that’s actually fully qualified to have the title I see on her little badge clipped to her uniform.

“Eric Coulter, right?” She eyes me like a hawk and I feel irritation coursing through me. For a second, I also wonder if she’s one of Jeanine’s plants in Dauntless. That’s dismissed when she gives a strained smile. “You look a bit like your brother. I work with him from time to time. He mentioned your coming here.”

I narrow my eyes, not returning her smile and look past her to the girl still laying on the bed, motioning with my hand in her direction. “What’s her status?”

Candice, the name indicated on her badge, bristles at being ignored but answers me through thinned lips. “I have to call someone in to evaluate her, but we are drawing blood for tests and monitoring her until then.”

I look back at her and hesitate, wondering why the hell I’m getting involved and why I didn’t just leave the Amity girl in her dorm bed for someone else to deal with.

“You said you work with, Dr. Coulter?” I asked with appraising eyes, watching her closely.

“I do.”

“Then you won’t mind working with him again now, will you?”

I have no real power here in Dauntless. Not yet anyway. If I was making this same order to someone wearing black, I’m sure I would be sent away with a sharp reprimand no matter how intimidating I know I can be.

But Candice is Erudite and I have power there. My name is known. If Candice is a plant of Jeanine’s she’ll do as I say but report it back to her. If she isn’t, she’ll still do as I say.

Because, as much as I might despise it and have wanted to leave all that shit behind, I rank higher than her in their hierarchy. No matter if I wear black now, to them, I will always have true ‘blue blood’ running through my veins.

As expected she gives me a curt nod before moving off hurriedly. The other nurse wearing black gives me a look before following, and then it’s just me and the girl on the bed.

My fists clench to the sides of my body as I scowl down at her.

I hate that she’s made me care enough to step in and use my name for something when I promised I would get leadership on my own, no matter how much Jeanine tried to throw her weight around.

I hate that I’m thinking about anything or anyone else besides what I came here to do and who I’m doing it for.

Jules.

The thought of her has tightness in my chest that’s growing tighter the longer I look at this stupid tiny girl laying in the bed.

She’s not Jules. There’s no doubt about that.

Jules is tall and graceful with a smile that can infect even the snootiest of Erudite.

Jules who prefers dresses and ridiculous hats. I never have been able to figure out how she gets them all, and most of them are so ridiculous in order to get a rise out of me.

Jules who has always been able to make me laugh even when I’m in the worst fucking mood and even my brother can’t stand to be around me.

Jules who can sweetly cut a person to pieces and still leave them wondering if she was complimenting them or telling them to fuck off.

Jules, the best person I have ever known and the one I really want to save.

When I look at the amity girl, that’s who I see.

Jules is who I should be with. I should be there helping her and holding her hand or trying to make her laugh, but I’m not and it pisses me off.

Because coming to Dauntless was more important than the girl I love.

“You better not die,” I mutter angrily while glaring at the girl on the bed.

The whispered angry words won’t reach the real target, who I’m really saying them to. But I realize with some surprise that I also do mean them for the girl laying on the bed in front of me.

I turn on my heel and rush out of the clinic as fast as I will allow myself to be seen rushing anywhere. I make it to the training room corridor where control bursts away from me and I sprint into the room looking for something, anything, to make the tightness in my chest go away.

*****************************************************************************************

My brother is not who I expected to see standing behind the door of the office I was summoned to just before dinner but I can’t say the dread I had been feeling gets any better when I do see him.

If anything, it actually gets worse.

He’s standing at the end of a long conference table, hunched over papers and a tablet as I close the door quietly behind me. His presence makes me nervous as hell and I feel slightly sick to my stomach.

All I can think is something’s happened with Jules.

Elijah looks up at the sound of the door clicking shut and his eyes narrow as they take me in. I know he’s doing a snap evaluation, trying to determine a million things in the space of seconds so I won’t get upset about him fussing over me.

Even with all the recent strain on our relationship, Elijah remains the person I know I can count on most to truly care about me and how I’m doing. Even when I do my damndest to drive him and his affection away.

“Jules?” I ask, stepping forward and forgoing all greetings.

Elijah straightens and comes forward as well. I watch him carefully.

I never fuss over him the way he always did over me, like a parent rather than a brother, but I have always tried to watch out for him too. I see the tiredness etched into the way he holds himself and his face. Eyes so similar to mine that have never been able to mask his emotions from showing the way I do.

He smiles tiredly at me and motions with his hands as he speaks. “Jules is doing fine. She told me to tell you that you better be ‘kicking ass and taking names’.” He chuckles and runs a hand through his hair. “She also says hello and that we miss you.”

I sag a little in relief and nod while clearing my throat that has become thick with emotion. “Tell her I say, same and you bet your ass I am.” He gives me a smile and nod at my response and motions to a chair to sit. I do while throwing out my next question. “So, why am I here?”

“Well, given that you broke protocol and summoned me here, I thought you might want to know what’s going on with the girl, Devanna, I believe is her name,”

“Devi,” I correct him gruffly then frown at myself for caring enough to make the correction. Eli doesn’t say anything, just lifts an eyebrow and looks at his paper before correcting his notes.

“Devi.” He says with a nod.

“So what’s wrong with her? It’s been a day since I took her to the clinic, so it isn’t her just having a cold or something simple like that.”

The first day she had been smiling with enerving energy that just seemed to radiate from her. I almost thought she was going to explode from it there on the train. Even when she was panting and huffing from the climb and run to get on.

As the day wore on the smile faded and she withdrew. Some of the other initiates seemed to thrive on putting her down for anything and everything. Her old faction, her height, her accent...anything really.

Mostly this was other girls. The guys just dismissed or ignored her. Like I have been trying to do.

It was clear after the first night that something was going on with her but no one knew what. I wrote her off by the time we were going to sleep that first night. I just didn’t see her making it. Here we are at the end of the week and I don’t see that changing. I’m pretty sure that’s what my brother is going to tell me, that she’s done.

Once again, I’m cursing myself for not just letting it go and risking myself as I did. Especially now that I know it had been for nothing, because she’s gone anyways.

Then I remember why I ignored all logic and reason. I remember how I felt that night and what prompted me to take her. How small she was in my arms as I carried her through halls, trying not to race along them but feeling a sense of urgency I didn’t really understand.

She was moaning, almost deliriously, but not responding to anyone that was yelling at her to shut up in the dorm that night.

I laid there not saying anything to the others. though I wanted to so badly. To tell them all to leave her the hell alone. Then she went silent and I waited for something, some other sign from her that she was going to be okay.

The others around us were going to sleep, no problem, but I couldn’t. Her silence was deafening to me. I could have left her there and had tried to talk myself into doing just that. Until something made me go check on her and before I even got close I could feel the heat coming off her.

She was whispering something, so faint I could barely hear her until I crouched down beside her. Her eyes opened and they were glazed, she winced away from me and whimpered pitifully but she kept muttering. I leaned in even further and she reached out to grip my arm, and I could finally hear the broken pleading in Spanish.

“Por favor, no ... por favor ... Tuve que irme, abuela. Tuve que ... por favor no me odies.”

I don’t know what it was about her words. Her pleading for her grandmother to not hate her. To understand she had to leave. They weren’t some big revelation, I’m sure all of us felt that to some degree. Worried we are leaving someone behind that will be hurt or hate us for the choice.

It wasn’t so much the words themselves but the way she said them. How strong two of them were, how firm and how much fire was in them as she whispered them out over and over again.

Had to.

As if her life was in jeopardy if she didn’t go. If she didn’t follow her heart.

That was something Jules would do. She followed her heart and come hell or high water she would see it through. No matter the risk.

Did Devi know how much she was putting her life at risk just by choosing Dauntless? Did she even think about how she was nothing like a Dauntless should be in all the physical ways that matter?

But I was thinking like an Erudite with those questions. A Dauntless, a true Dauntless, wouldn’t care about any of that. They would just know there was no other choice. Just like Devi did.

Something inside me broke open for her right then and she wedged herself into a spot that I have hardened to all but two people in my life. Now I don’t know how to make that go away. Tightness starts to creep up on me again, my chest itches and I reach up to rub the spot but jerk my hand back down and look at Eli.

“Some of the others are saying she has the plague or something.”

Asinine.

I know better, and from his look at me, he knows I know better. His lips quirk in amusement and he shakes his head.

“We both know better than that. She is sick but it isn’t terminal…” He pauses and winces before his eyes filled with pain and he lets out a shaky breath then continues while I eye him and carefully mask my own pain “...but it won’t be pleasant for her in the least.”

I nod slowly. “So what is it?”

“Her body is expelling poison and it’s anything but painless.”

“Poison?” I almost shout the question and interrupt him.

Eli holds a hand up to me, a calming motion. “Peace Serum, Eric. You’re aware that Amity regularly imbibes in it, but it seems that her case is extreme. We are talking about a lifetime of daily exposure at high levels. Her body doesn’t know how to function without it anymore.”

I scowl in disbelief wondering how that’s possible and who in their right minds would purposely do this to themselves. But he said a lifetime, so does that mean even when she was really young?

I wave that away mentally and with my hand as well. “So what does that mean? She can’t continue can she?”

Eli shrugs and sighs before dropping his pen and leaning back in his chair casually.

“That will be up to her ultimately, but she’s already waved away the normal method of treatment. I can’t say I blame her. That would have meant removal from training for at least a week if not more depending on how extreme the treatment needed to be. Leadership has already said if that was the case then she was out with no other options available. I was near when the nurse gave her the options and she automatically turned the treatment down, already guessing that it meant she wouldn’t be continuing treatment. She’s staying and will let it purge from her system as naturally as possible.”

“So she’s going to go through initiation while going in withdrawal?” I mutter and look at the table while trying to deny how much that disturbs me especially knowing what I do about how withdrawal patients are treated.

There aren’t many cases where someone gets addicted to substances like I know there was pre-war and the drugs that were common are all but nonexistent for us now. But there are cases where someone gets addicted on the ones we do have and there are even cases where someone synthesizes a substance and then gets hooked on it themselves.

When this happens, the person is isolated and then their system is purged with a cleansing drug. Tests are run to determine how their body is handling the purge and if anything is still off then they are treated appropriately. It can take weeks if not months to treat some of the severe cases my brother has told me about and that’s just from a biological standpoint. Even after he gets done with them they still have much more to look forward to psychologically.

I don’t know if I can spend another night watching her suffer like she has been the last few nights. Now knowing what I do, it’s just bound to get worse and I can’t fucking handle that. “Why give her the choice at all? Why not just send her back to Amity!”

I look up at him when he makes a grunt and I realize that I spoke that out loud. My frustration is coming through loud and clear.

He leans forward with a frown of disapproval on his face. “You know very well they’re going to send her straight to the factionless, not back to Amity. I know you might not care for…”

“I don’t!” I’m breathing hard and rubbing my chest while looking around wildly. “I can’t!”

Elijah’s beside me suddenly and I didn’t even realize he moved until I feel his hands guiding me until my head is between my legs and he is coaching me through my breathing.

When I feel like I’ve gotten ahold of myself, I take the glass of water he hands me and avoid looking at him as I drink it.

I feel like a fucking kid again. Like when I used to have these same kinds of episodes after repressing feelings for so long until they boiled out and over. Elijah always tells me that trying to go through life so emotionally cut off isn’t healthy and I know he’s headed towards another lecture of that kind.

“Are you going to gloat now and say I told you so?” I ask him sourly when I look at him again.

“Have I ever done that?” I can hear the hurt in his tone but don’t respond. If I do I’m just going to end up saying something else hurtful.

I always do.

For being a so-called fucking genius, according to my old faction, I’m useless when it comes to anything resembling social graces. I learned early on that honesty is not the best policy for me. Silence is.

“Eric,” He says softly and leans forward, his arms on his knees and head bowed, “It’s okay to care about people. To open yourself to caring for someone.”

I sneer at him as I scoff, unable to remain silent, hard as I might have tried. “Sure it is. ‘Cause that’s worked out so well for me in the past, hasn’t it, brother?”

He looks up and I see the pain radiating in his eyes. I know my anger and words are opening up a wound we’re still trying to heal between us. That’s kinda hard to do when I’ve refused to talk any more about it.

“I can’t apologize for the way we both feel, Eric and I won’t. You two love each deeply other and that’s never going to change. What you two have is still there and it will always be there. It’s also different then what she and I have, and that has always been the case too, but it doesn’t make what you two share any less powerful.”

I nod and look away, gripping the glass tightly between my hands as my jaw clenches together. “But that wasn’t enough for me to stay, was it? I love her so much I left her when she needed me most. It just proves what I’ve always thought.”

I shrug and look back at him, knowing his next question but also needing him to ask it. Needing to expel it from me just like the little amity is doing right now with her own poison. He’s right I need to talk about this shit. I haven’t been able to until now.

I need to get this all out of my system so I can go back to not feeling at all. Then maybe I can get rid of this new sensation for a girl that has no chance of sticking around.

“What’s that?” Eli prods me softly.

“That I’m not capable of loving anyone but myself. I don’t care who it hurts in the end, as long as I get what I want.”

Elijah rolls his chair closer to me, his blue eyes that are normally filled with warmth are burning with intensity.

“I want to listen to me and listen well. You are not our parents and you have never even come close to them. You could never allow yourself to be like them.”

I listen but I can’t believe the words. I’ve never been able to believe the words. No matter how many times my brother has tried to reassure me of this over the years since our parents all but abandoned us.

His features soften and he smiles at me. “Yeah, you have the habit of pushing all your feelings aside and acting like they don’t exist, but you can never get rid of them. Which is why things like earlier happen. Because, it’s never been that you don’t and can’t care or love, Eric. It’s that when you do, it’s all or nothing for you. Bone deep love is what Jules has always called it. You left, not because you don’t love Jules but because you know that nothing will ever take that love away from you. Not even being in another faction. You said those same words to me when you came to me that night and gave us your blessing. It was something I already knew, but it was also something you had to realize for yourself and one day you’re going to find someone that you love just as deeply but in the it’s meant to be.”

I jerk my head in a semblance of a nod, not bothering to reply how I’m feeling.

I’ve forgiven Eli for taking Jules from me, well, mostly forgiven him anyway. What he says is true, I did come to see that how I love her and how Eli does, they aren’t the same. It’s just that in my mind that doesn’t really matter.

It still hurt and that wasn’t something I cared to open myself to again. I loved her but it hadn’t been enough. End of story.

He pulls back and I breathe a little easier when I realize he’s dropping the subject. Eli leans back in his chair and clears his throat.

“How’s training going?”

“Fairly good, although there was a surprise when it came to finding out how many fears we all have.”

Eli frowns at me. “Did your amount change?”

I shake my head with a scowl and look off. “No, it’s still nine. Which should have been the lowest fucking number among the group.”

“I take it someone is lower?.”

“Yeah. Four of them. The asshole even changed his name to the number of his fears.” My scowl gets deeper when I think of the scrawny Abnegation that’s causing me more uncertainty than he should be. “He’s a concern. I’ve heard some leaders and trainers saying they’re impressed by him. Rankings haven’t been posted since training just got in full swing, but I think we’re neck and neck for first. I’m pretty sure I got him beat in physical, and I don’t foresee fights being a problem, but the scoring percentage for the other stages is a serious concern with his number of fears.”

Eli taps his chin thoughtfully. “That’s an extremely low number. What faction is he from?”

I know where my brother’s train of thought has gone and I can’t say I didn’t immediately think the same when I found out Tobias Eaton’s number of fears. In fact, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to it and what I can do to remove the threat it poses to me.

“Abnegation,” I remark dryly and see him wince.

“It’s the Eaton kid?”

“Yes.”

“Shit.” Eli curses with a grimace then looks at me worriedly. “I know what you’re thinking, Eric, but don’t do anything you’re going to have to live with the rest of your life. You know what they will do to him.”

I shoot up out of my chair and pace around the room. “It’s not like I have a choice here, Elijah. You know what’s expected of me. At some point, I’m going to be expected to have results for them.”

“That’s what they expect. But when have you ever done what those pricks in our faction expect of you?” Eli demands from me fiercely.

“You know why I even bothered to give their offer a second chance. Jules needs this, Elijah. This is how I save her. What does it matter if I turn over some fucking stiff that means nothing to me? Especially if it gets them off my back and me first?”

“Is that really how you want to get your position here? By taking out someone that might be stronger than you?”

I grit my teeth as out the cursed denial, and glare icily at him, giving him exactly the reaction he wants even though I know exactly what the hell he’s doing by throwing that out there.

I call it manipulation and he would say he’s being my own Jiminy fucking Cricket

“How do you think this is making Jules feel, knowing what they want in exchange for her life? Jules knows you as well as I do and I know in your mind you’re already justifying it, telling yourself that any exchange for her would be worth it but how far do you go down that road, Eric?”

The tightness starts again and I let out a growl, spinning away from him and towards a wall. I feel like punching someone and Eli is the only one in sight. “Don’t bring her name into this like some kind of weapon against me.”

I want to punch walls but know we’re already shouting and that will draw attention we can’t afford. We are risking so much already. I stop in the middle of carrying out my need to hit something in anger and just lean my hands against the wall and hang my head.

“I don’t have a lot of options here,” I whisper tiredly.

“No, not a lot, but you do have a few. Eric, we know they’re afraid of you taking the power they covet so much. There was a reason for this and maybe what we need to do is to show them why they were right in fearing you.”

I slowly turn towards him, my mind working double time as my eyes narrow. He waits patiently as I process this, his arms crossed over his chest.

“I’ll need help. Contacts that I know we can trust or that we can get leverage on to make sure they stay in line.”

“I’ve already started working on that. Jules too.”

I want to protest that, not wanting her involved but I know it would be pointless. They made me promise there would be no secrets and that I had to let them help in any way they could if I made this deal.

I gave a stiff nod and then looked at my watch. “I need to get going if I am going to get some dinner before lights out.”

He gives me a strained smile and nods but I see the hesitation. His internal debate and wondering if I will reject his show of affection or not. I step forward and put out a hand which he takes and grips tightly, his hand around my forearm while mine is around his. This is the form of a hug he came up with when I stopped wanting them years ago.

He smiles at me while we still hold firmly. Eli promises to make it for visiting day and that he should have contacts for me soon. We also share words of parting, mostly jokes that have been thrown around between the three of us of what I planned to do once I finally made it to Dauntless. They aren’t as carefree as they once were before our recent falling out, but it does hint that we can get there again given time.

When I go to leave he calls my name one last time and stands there looking serious and worried. “About the girl,”

“What about her?” I ask with a frown.

“I know it goes against what I was saying earlier about opening up and all,” He runs a hand through his hair with one hand and shoves the other in his pocket with the other. “But you need to stay away from her, for now.”

I let all expression fall away from my face and tilt my head. “Not that I see it being a problem for me at all, especially considering she isn’t going to last the week, but why? Does Jeanine know I called you in?”

He shakes his head while I can tell he is warring with wanting to admonish me about my callousness and wanting me to heed his warning for whatever reason. “No. Candice isn’t in Jeanine’s circle and wouldn’t want to be anyways. Something about a friend of hers that went missing or something. So Jeanine doesn’t know I was called in from her, but that doesn’t mean she might not find out from some other source. This girl, she might not actually mean anything to you, but Jeanine is crazy enough to grasp for anything that she can use to sink her claws in you even deeper.”

I feel bile rising up my throat at that but maintain my dead tone and a blank expression. “Like I said, it won’t be an issue.”

He responds with a resigned nod and I’m out of the door quickly after that making for the mess hall. Most of the other initiates had already grabbed food and headed for the dorm which was a relief since I didn’t want to have to deal with them. I ate quickly even though I wasn’t in a rush to get back to the dorm myself. Something about the activity around me and watching everyone go about their lives helped calm me.

Gave me the headspace to think and plan.

Elijah was right about handing the stiff over, it wasn’t something I wanted to do. I didn’t want to win my place here that way just like I didn’t want to have a bit of influence from Jeanine on the leaders to sway them either. In fact, I bluntly told her that was one of the conditions of my acceptance to work with her.

I also know without a shadow of a doubt that if turning number boy over saved Jules, even by way of securing my position, then I would do it and not even blink. If I had to carry that stain on me for the rest of my life I would for her.

The decisions, resolutions really, make me feel lighter. It eases some of the anxiousness I was feeling that I have a solid plan and course of action.

I even find myself talking to a few of the members at the table of the mess hall. I pick at the slice of cake one of the guys shoved at me and listen to them all bullshit with each other, but mostly I just observe things.

I see the stiff slipping from the mess hall, pulling in on himself to try and go unseen like he’s done from the first.

I watch the leaders as they look down at their noses from up on the balcony. Talking among themselves and hardly ever interacting with anyone else. But they’re watching, always watching, to make sure their bidding is being done even if it will lead the faction straight into war.

Max seems to be the one that I’ll have to be the most careful about. I can feel his eyes on zeroed in on me, watching and judging me. Even here when I’m eating dinner like everyone else.

I shift my focus and try to casually look to see if my suspicions are right when I see something out of the corner of my eye.

A small figure hunched over her plate at an empty table far in the back and cast in shadows it’s so out of the way. The tightness in my chest starts to creep back in and I jerk my eyes away, remembering my conversation with my brother.

I know I shouldn’t feel anything but seeing her is a relief. ‘Cause at least I know she’s alright.

So I’ll keep away, but I already know I won’t be able to stop myself from watching.

[rickyvalero]

Running Back Devy Rankings

Running Back Devy Rankings

With the College football season winding down and the NFL coming closer and closer to the playoffs, it is time to start dissecting the upcoming draft plans, whether that is your rookie draft or even joining new DEVY startups. Stoops and I talked about these rankings in the podcast below, some of the rankings may have changed since it aired, but we wanted to give you our rankings in…

[randommusingsstuff]

Did you read the script leak on Reddit? I'm worried about Ben and Devi's relationship.

Hey Anon!

I did, allow me to ease your worries.

Mindy hates stable couples on TV, she finds them boring and has explicitly said this in interviews. The MCU (Mindy Cinematic Universe) has two preferred formulas for creating drama in central romances:

Couples get together, only to illustrate how wrong they are for each other, leading to a self-implosion. (Type 1)

Romantic interests are kept apart because of plot contrivances (other relationships, miscommunication) and secretly pine after each other, culminating to an epic conclusion where they end up together. (Type 2)

Type 1 ships are designed for non-endgame couples, type 2 ships are designed for endgame couples.

Mindy and Danny go from type 2 to type 1 when the actor for Danny can no longer be a series regular, back to type 2 in season 6 when they get their endgame. Mindy and Casey are a classic example of type 1. In the movie Late Night, Molly and Tom fit the type 2 dynamic to a tee, as she chases after another guy only to end up having a rivals-to-lovers arc with Tom. The same blueprint is being set up with Bela and Eric in the Sex Lives of College Girls but that is TBD.

In Never Have I Ever, every couple has gotten the type 1 treatment except for Ben and Devi. Ignoring Devi's short-lived attempt to date both Ben and Paxton, they've never been a real couple. Mindy is avoiding having them date and slowly implode, so that they can end up together.

I'm thrilled that Ben will date Margot while Devi dates Ethan and Paxton, as it further cements their type 2 treatment and love confession in the series finale.

[katesharmasheart]

Okay okay okay 7&8

I like the way Kimberly's relationship with Jackson(? I'm really bad with the names of the new guys y'all)has been developing so far. I'm kinda curious if the whole egg donation will come up again, like will Kim spend the rest of college donating? Will this affect her relationship with J. Will her parents find out??

Leighton my beloved, 💗 that's it. Like what else there's to comment I like how lil by lil she is growing Tatum and her are so gooooood and well it's going to be interesting to see Alicia back but I feel there's no competition after 'there's no timeline for coming out'

It was an interesting development the whole fallout between Eric and Bela, yet I'm still mad we don't know much about how Bela's magazine is going. I was scared they were going to do a whole storyline like the one with Devi and Aneesa one side competition bc Priya was labelled as hotter but I glad it didn't go that way. Hope for S3 she shows up

Whitney x Canaan pls come back to me, I don't really feeling it with Andrew(?sorry! Idk what it is but I don't feel it flowing. I loved the scene with her mum 💜

I can't believe it's ending next week😭

[thefabulousfab-3]

Okay but WHY DIDN'T BEN AND DEVI DATE IN THE TIME JUMP? Also why/when do you think Devi re-realized her feelings for Ben? And why do you think it took so long? Also why didn't Devi also get Ben for her compatibility? Both she and Eric and she and Ben were 98%! Also, I love Aneesa but why did the writers not throw her a bone with any good storyline this season

I think it’s purely because Devi wasn’t totally over Paxton yet. While Ben thought that Devi didn’t actually like him. So short answer they are stupid.

I think Devi began to re-realize her feelings for Ben probably at the end of episode 5. I think she talked herself out of it convincing herself that Ben doesn’t like her anymore (STUPID). Devi has a LOT of self doubt and she was convinced that Ben had moved on and he didn’t care about her anymore (idiots). Then they came back full force probably during their “boink” talk, like “oh I still like him” then when she saw him at the graduation was when she was like, “oh shit, I LOVE him”.

Idk why she didn’t get Ben probably for comedic effect. (It was sort of funny she got Eric) I kind wish they had revealed that someone messed with it out of jealousy or something like that. Also that reveal that he got her was SO GOOD!!!! Also I think if she got Ben it would have not been very good cause she would have been in denial and she wasn’t ready to get Ben yet.

The writers suck!!! They do Aneesa dirty like every season!!! She needs an actual good storyline next season or I’m going to riot!! Her storyline is like my one huge complaint about this season.

[infinite-wanders]

Never Have I Ever ...

s3 rewatch thoughts and fav small moments

❤ Kamala and Devi heart to heart about having sex

❤️ Paxton opening the car door for Devi after their date

❤️ Paxton knowing Devi was not ready for sex

❤️ Rebecca H.Y being a savage

❤️ Devi being a better friend: a) thinking of Fab during her first vday without Eve. b) when Eleanor was talking about her first time and tried to change the conversation thinking of Devi, and Devi put the focus back on El rather than letting the focus be on her. I'm sure there are more but I loved this growth for her.

❤️ Eleanor was such a supportive person through the season to Devi, Paxton, Trent

❤️ Trent knowing Eleanor would use him to advance her career and being okay as he supports her dreams. Like I know it may seem toxic, but them just being honest with each other from then on and accepting each other flaws and loving each other passionately. If they're endgame, I'll survive s4.

🤔 Paxton and Haley. Known each other forever. Lots of build up / moment leading to sex. Valentine test came back with 98% perfect match. Yet are not together. Sound familiar? Do I predict foreshadowing?

🤔 Eric's speech how he's trying to date someone hot so "I wouldn't be known as the person who lost his dad ..." as commentary to Devi’s actions. Ouch.

❤️ the paintball scene and Devi representing my competitive ass. Devi VS Paxton ... kinda hot ... until it wasn't if ykwim.

💔 the lyrics "I'll burn down and sleep in the warm ashes on the ground" playing during daxton breakup as parallel to daxton first kiss "I was on fire for you" ... and people want to try give me hope for s4. I'm still crying over this.

💔 when Paxton sees Devi with Des, that is not a look of jealousy my dude. That is heartbreak, sadness, pining, longing.

❤️ Paxton asking Eleanor and Ben how Devi is, because when he tried to ask her himself, it was too hard a conversation.

🤣 Alejandro and the Ed Shereen effect. Legit a thing.

❤️ Paxton's ability to read Aneesa x Fabs body language and the soft moment of giving Fabiola relationship advice.

❤️ "Not what you say. How you say it. Eye contact" ... Paxton prose may not be lyrical but I've said this 100x ... I love everything he's not saying. [Insert link of all the times and ways Paxton looks at Devi]

🤔 Paxton reflecting on his very physical and simple relationship with Phoebe. The set up for s4 daxton. I'm ready and waiting.

❤️ Andy Sandberg my love. Welcome back.

❤️ every wholesome interaction between Ben and Paxton in ep 6 and beyond

❤️ Ben being welcomed into the Hot Pocket fold. Pun intended. I love that for him.

❤️ Treleanor commentary of their relationship as set up to help s4 daxton. "We rile each other up and love each other down." "Thank you for pushing me." "You make me better."

❤️ Paxton and Devi 3x08 scene in her room. I LOVE a lamp scarf, he says with eye contact.

🤔 Daxton got away with months of hooking up. Des x Devi got busted within weeks. I still like to think Nalini knew Devi was seeing Paxton and turned a blind eye in secret approval for these reasons ... a) she knew about Kamala and Steve. b) she knew Devi was crying over a boy. c) Nalini says nothing gets by her and that she'll be installing cameras at Devis window.

❤️ Paxton's college(s) acceptance moment. Eleanor's reactions were too cute while Trent broke my Traxton heart

💔 Trent choking up when he goes to apologise to Paxton for getting mad. Seriously, I love his character and Ben Norris' range for dramedy is 😘👌

❤️ Mohan x Nalini are couple goals. Knowing how to calmly talk sense into Nalini but also encourage her pettiness by subscribing the mean girls to spam. I'm here for it.

[mariailoveyou-guerin]

I swear if mindy is doing that whole academic rivals turned lovers thing with Whitney and the annoying bra*t I’m gonna be mad mainly bc idk I feel like I felt something or got little buzz from Whitney and Jackson when they talked at his dorm taking care of Kimberly

but I dont think that’ll happen bc Whitney wouldn’t do that to Kimberly even tho it wouldn’t be wrong since nothing happened with them! also not to take a white man’s side but Bela was weird about Eric taking his shot as if my girl wouldn’t do the same to him given a chance like she did with her paper release already!

And I was ofc right I should have class in knowing Mindy writing the way he was giving off Ben Gross vibes the only thing that threw me was Whitney is hot cool and an athlete turned nerd and black and thats nothing close to Devi + Devi is big time crazy but they are both super messy tho in terms of relationships so maybe they are alike in some parts Whitney does give off a cooler better Devi vibes maybe Whitney is what mindy has always wished she was but she’s in fact irl Devi that would make complete sense if u add Bela too

im team hot nerd he gave so so much buzz chills even after he took of his shirt ngl also when am I not team hot nerd tho and I knew it not that Bela would do that but that she would do anything given the chance so her being mad at Eric was uncalled for even before she did so that and good Kimberly for getting her man she deserves one now since nico is clearly not coming back

[becky5203]

I hope you are doing better now. I wonder how Eric, Bela, Devi and Ben are spending the new year. Would they spontaneously combust if they all met?

This is incredibly kind of you to say, thank you so much. I think Ben’s parents would probably tell him to invite people over for a New Year’s Party, so the gang would probably be celebrating together for their senior year* (that is, if Nalini lets Devi stay out that late lol), and I think Bela would probably be celebrating it with the girls while Eric might be hanging out with them too if they’re on good terms again, but if not maybe he’d just hit up a party on campus or go to a comedy show. If they did all meet I think it would play out like the pointing Spider-Man meme haha:).

*and maybe Aneesa and Fab would get back together at midnight👀👀 (probably not, but a girl can dream)

[heycoyotegirl]

@fishyyyyy99 Starting a new post cause I didn't want the old one to get super long :P

I don't even know if the other sub ships Daxton, so much as they simply hate Ben. I'd even be okay with the hate if there wasn't so much censorship there. And the sub that I posted on definitely has a Benvi bias with a few Ben super fans (who didn't even really ship Benvi in the past) who post a huge amount about Ben. They don't hate Paxton, but they treat him like he's this boring, uninteresting character which I completely disagree with.

Yeah, I get deleting comments if they're unnecessarily rude/clearly trolls/arguing in bad faith, but it'd be nice if there was a reason given, so it doesn't seem like people's comments are being deleted just because they have opposing views. I did see a couple people hating on Paxton in a post on the Ben stan subreddit, but that could've just been an outlier. I admittedly haven't spent a lot of time on there because I a) don't use reddit that often in general and b) found the fixation on Jaren Lewison kinda weird and off-putting. Either way, Paxton is definitely an interesting character if you're willing to look past the fact that he's more introverted/reserved than Ben and Devi.

While it's fun to read the analyses of Ben on the Ben stan subreddit, it does not scratch my itch to read detailed analyses of other characters so I'm glad I found you.

Aw thanks!! Sorry I’m not faster at replying lol

Thank you for acknowledging that a good love triangle has two viable romantic options. Benvi was always more enjoyable to me because of the existence of Daxton. Ben is fun to watch when he does all that pining. As for why I prefer Benvi to Daxton, before I even knew that Benvi was going to be a ship, I wanted them to be a ship because I love enemies to lovers. And I always loved their friendship. But especially in season 3, Ben and Devi started reminding me of my best friend and myself (whom I'd definitely be very attracted to, if I were attracted to girls).

That’s fair! And you’re definitely right about Ben being at his best when he’s pining.

I normally enjoy enemies to lovers, but Ben and Devi don’t totally hit the beats I tend to want with that trope. And since it’s not my absolute favorite trope (that’d be fake dating), I was more looking at which guy’s personality/vibes seemed to mesh better with Devi’s, and imo, that was Paxton.

Also I felt like what Ben really needed was stable friendships (and therapy), rather than a romantic relationship. To me, Benvi felt like they were at their healthiest and most mutually beneficial when they were just friends. Whenever they were together—or trying to get together—it just seemed to create problems and conflict.

(I’m happy to elaborate on any of this; I just didn’t want to be anti Benvi unprompted lol)

Ben and Devi seemed to really enjoy each other's company in a way that they never enjoyed anyone else's (I know that not everyone may agree with this)

Yeah, my knee-jerk reaction is to disagree lol, but do you have examples/scenes that give you that impression? Ironically, I was grieving for a good chunk of last year (not a parent; don’t worry), which made my already not-great memory even worse, so my recollection for season 3 is spotty.

and they just retreat into their own world which really reminds me of how I am with my best friend even though we don't have a banter-y dynamic like Benvi. That really, really sealed the deal for me. To me, season 3 Benvi is basically just best friends to lovers and I really want my boyfriend to be my best friend too.

Huh, I’ve never thought about this before, but I wonder if the reason Benvi’s banter doesn’t always land for me is because I have a banter-y relationship with my friends (and my academic rivals back when I was in high school), so I’m more picky about how banter is written.

Now that you mention it, I agree that Lindsey's interest in Paxton was not well-developed, but I assumed it had to do with what he did for Eric.

Yeah, I figured it was because he helped Eric, but I still didn’t believe it. Like, she’s at least 22* and meets Paxton when he’s 18**, which is the same age that some of her students will be by the end of the year, since she’s teaching a senior class. And she literally calls him out for his immaturity and then less than six months later starts dating him??

She’s wanted to be a high school teacher since she was in high school, so it feels kinda creepy/like a lack of boundaries that she’d be willing to date someone who, only a year ago, was a student at the school where she’s teaching. Especially since it’s not like Paxton knew that college wasn’t for him and confidently entered the workforce. He’s abandoning his goals and floundering around trying to figure out his life. Even when he goes back to college, he’s still in that weird, not-quite-an-adult period, where he’s still figuring out how to be independent. Which is a hugely different stage of life than Lindsay, who’s a college graduate pursuing her career goals. (And that doesn't even get into the whole long distance thing)

I dated someone one (1) year younger than me when we were both in university, and I sometimes felt like he was annoyingly immature. If I wanted to be a teacher in a high school, I would have a hardline stance about only dating people closer to my age than students’ age. Also imagine if the genders were swapped and it was a guy who had graduated college who ended up with a teenage girl after influencing her life goals? People would have way more issues with the pair.

A mentor-mentee relationship would’ve made much more sense. And, honestly, Lindsay doesn’t have any narrative significance beyond “Paxton’s girlfriend” that couldn’t be filled by another character. Becca or Devi could’ve called him out for being immature and/or giving up on his goals. Devi’s tutoring and encouragement in season 2 could’ve inspired him to pursue a career in teaching. Or it could’ve been Mr. Shapiro who convinced him to become a teacher—Facing History was the first class that Paxton really pushed himself and succeeded in, after all.

Also, it just feels kind of gross to pair Paxton up with an older, much more mature woman, after all the weird sexualization and cougar attention throughout the show.

*I was curious, so I checked the California Commission on Teacher Credentialing, and she'd either need a baccalaureate (for a CL-505p Substitute Teaching Permit) or to still be enrolled in a four-year school, which we know she isn't, since she said she graduated. But with a permit, substitutes can only cover for a teacher for 60 cumulative days. And since she seems to be working there for pretty much the entire school year, she probably has full teaching credentials, which could add at least a year to her time at college.

**I did the math, and his birthday would be December or early/mid January

I will say that I was really annoyed that they made such a huge deal of her slow-mo entry because it felt to me like they were undermining his feelings for Devi. But I've since become okay with it because even Des had a slow-mo entry for Devi and we all know that that was NOT the superior relationship.

Honestly, the slow-mo entry thing seemed weird to me, too. I think it felt like a Devi-specific quirk, 'cause she always cared about looks and popularity more than the other characters. It both felt ooc for Paxton and like they were doubling down on the physical attraction to make up for the fact that the emotional connection between them hadn't really been that well developed.

I was actually okay with Devi not actively pursuing anyone in season 4. I feel like she finally was okay with not being in a relationship and would have been happy even if Ben hadn't come and confessed his love to her. She knew what she wanted and had already asked him out, he was the one who had to work through his issues in season 4. She was even happier to be with Ben but would have been happy single too. And I liked that. It showed growth to me. However, I do wish that there had been a scene in which Paxton had actually expressed interest in pursuing a relationship with her (it's a pity the teacher thing prevented that), and she actually had to make a choice about whether she wanted to pursue that or not. I'd have felt the same way even if Daxton was endgame. I'd have wanted Ben to make his interest known and for Devi to actually have to either reject him or Paxton.

Oh, I didn’t mean that I wanted her to actively be chasing after a guy; you actually articulated my point better than I did: Her rejecting Paxton should’ve been solely her choice, rather than something influenced by the situation. Because as it stands, we don’t actually know if she would’ve rejected him in s4 if his job hadn’t been a factor. It takes away some of her agency to make decisions about her love life if one of her possible choices would get someone fired.

I think it probably would've made sense to have a scene where El and Fab ask if she's crushing on anyone after her breakup with Ethan and have her say that she's happy to focus on school/hang out with them and find some guy in college. (Or a scene with Dr. Ryan that conveyed the same message.) Devi spent the past three seasons chasing after guys, so it'd be nice to have it be in the text that she doesn't feel the need to do that anymore, rather than having it be subtext.

Like, I don’t have any issue with her pining after Ben, but there were times when she seemed more resigned to the fact that nothing would happen with him towards the end of season 4, rather than actually content and comfortable being single.

Also, I agree that Daxton wasn't well-represented platonically in season 4 either. They really did Daxton dirty.

Literally every scene with them could've been platonic (at least on Devi's side) as long as they kept the emotional depth of their friendship, and I would've been happier with the season. I feel like a lot of the relationships this season were either completely forgotten about or sidelined/shallower than past seasons, which was super disappointing.

[cupcakesandtv]

It’s Brutal Out Here Part 1

Here on ao3 Takes place after season 1, canon divergent from s2 I guess I should say there will be a fair amount of gore for obvious reasons

Midterms are this week at Sherman Oaks High. Thankfully, I, John McEnroe, no longer take midterms. I guess unless I decided to go back to school, or if I decided to run for public office. Then midterms might mean something to me. Anyway, they don’t mean anything to me but for Devi Vishwakumar they were happening this week. And that didn’t bother Devi. She studied. No big. Normal. But for Paxton Hall-Yoshida, well, midterms were scary. 

Like a horror movie. Ha! That’s a bit of a narrator foreshadowing joke. 

“Maybe I should skip chemistry? It’s math and science rolled into one and it’s not even the fun parts of science where you get to dissect things. Who thought we needed to know the chemical makeup of air? I’m just breathing it! I don’t need to get to know it!” Paxton closed his locker and looked at Trent. 

“Why don’t you just take your C and move on?” Trent asked.

“Because, last year when I was happy to coast on Cs, I accidentally failed history and now everyone from my parents to theater nerds think they can dunk on me.” The warning bell rang and Paxton sighed heavily. 

Thank god he’d failed the second semester after swim season was already done or he’d have been extra fucked. They didn’t let you swim if you failed classes. “That’s weird.” Trent tilted his head as he stared down the hall, Paxton followed his gaze.

The crowd was parting. Not in the normal way of everyone rushing to class, but parting biblically. Students started screaming. Then teachers started to peek their heads out of their classroom doors. One slammed the door shut again, locking it. Paxton heard it lock and because they were students at an American high school, Paxton knew it was somebody with a gun. 

Trent was still watching, unsure and voiced Paxton’s assumption. “Nah, there aren’t any shots. None. People are just screaming.” “You think maybe we should get to high ground?” Paxton asked, already on the bottom step of the stairs. “I’m just trying to figure out what it is.” Trent was still looking. 

“Dude, let’s observe from-” Paxton started but was cut off by Trent finally figuring it out. “FUCK! That’s a motherfucking zombie!” 

“This isn’t the time to fuck around, Trent,” Paxton reached over and grabbed Trent’s backpack and tugged to get him up the stairs. But just as he got the two of them up to the landing, a guy he knew from English lit last semester hobbled by, dragging a foot twisted in the wrong direction. His skin was pale and clammy, except around his mouth where it was covered in what Paxton hoped was ketchup but something in his gut told him he was being too optimistic. 

“Da fuck?” Paxton muttered, horrified. But at his utterance, the guy, Jason? Jared? He couldn’t remember his name. Didn’t matter now. The zombie turned slowly and locked his glassy eyes with Paxton. Paxton gulped and tugged on Trent’s backpack again. “We gotta go!” 

They ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time and looking over their shoulders to see the zombie in a worn out Dunder Mifflin t-shirt hobbling after them. 

“Thank god they���re not the fast kind,” Trent said, turning when they reached the landing and kicking the slow zombie in the chest. The zombie fell back, confused, and landed flat on his back on the floor at the bottom of the stairs, right in front of that fat kid, Eric. 

Eric screamed and bolted, stepping on the zombie’s chest as he ran away. “What just happened?” Paxton asked, his heart beating fast and feeling that pulse of adrenaline like he did on race day. 

“I kicked a zombie. Yesterday, that zombie was Jason North. Today he’s the walking dead.” Trent leaned over the railing of the stairs, checking out the hallway. “We gotta get to the girls.” 

“What girls?” Paxton asked, his brow furrowed. 

“It’s a tragedy when I’m the brains of the operation, keep up, dude.” And off Trent went, up the stairs and down the hall. 

Trent’s not wrong. I don’t have a lot of faith in these kids surviving long if they don’t get to the girls I hope they’re heading to. They need some serious smarts and some kind of a plan. 

---

Devi was distracted. She and Ben broke up two weeks ago and it was fine. She wanted that. She’d put it off too long, avoiding the confrontation. But this morning Ben sent her a weird text about going with his parents to Vegas and how he just wanted her to know so she wouldn’t worry. Why would she worry? What was there to worry about? And was he trying to get her back? Was this some kind of mind game? She was over mind games. Over dating Ben. 

The bell rang and Eleanor tapped on Devi’s desk. “Where’s Fabiola?”

Devi shrugged and Mrs. Hernandez stood up from her desk, pulling her curly hair into a ponytail as she went. “Alright, so we can just take the test or I can give you some time to study your notes. Maybe ten more minutes so you can try and keep those formulas in your brains?” Several students shouted, “Ten more minutes!” Devi and Eleanor shrugged and went with it. “Okay so I’ll pass the test out in ten.” She looked at Devi. “Can you set a timer, Devi, I’m gonna do the attendance while you try to press a few more facts into those spongy brains of yours.” 

Before Mrs. Hernandez could sit down, Trent Harrison and Paxton Hall-Yoshida burst in the back door, Trent first, Paxton second, with Trent running to the other door in the classroom and locking it, while Paxton secured the door they came through. 

“I think you guys are in the wrong class.” Mrs. Hernandez was annoyed. 

“Right,” Trent managed to get out in between taking deep breaths. “We should be in chemistry but uhhhh, we gotta keep these doors locked.” Mrs. Hernandez tilted her head, her face suddenly stony. “Is there a shooter?” She grabbed her cell phone without looking away from Trent. 

“That’s what I thought too, but no, it’s worse,” Paxton said, leaning against the door. He was nervous, Devi could tell, or maybe she couldn’t. He hadn’t talked to her in months, not since she started dating Ben. But no, he was definitely nervous, she could see him bite the inside of his lip. God, he had nice lips. She used to stare at them a lot. Back when she was spending all her time pretending she might have a chance with him.

McEnroe: Devi, you’ve taken a detour- “Zombies,” Trent said. The roar of laughter from the class snapped Devi back to reality and away from thinking about Paxton’s face. 

Mrs. Hernandez went from concerned to perturbed in record time. She sighed. “Trent-” 

“No, he’s for real, Mrs. Hernandez. I didn’t believe it but we were chased up the stairs by some kid named Jared who I think used to play soccer? But he was pale and his eyes looked weird and he tried to take a bite out of us.” Paxton took a step away from the door and Devi stood up, heading to the door to look out the window but he stopped her, physically, like with his hands on her hips. A jolt of electricity shot through her and she tried not to show how it affected her. “Don’t even look, Vishwakumar, it’s bad out there. It’s not safe.” 

“Right, so you and Trent had edibles for breakfast instead of Frosted Flakes and now there’s a whole thing happening?” Devi asked, skeptically. But she didn’t move from where he stopped her and he hadn’t moved his hands off her waist. She tried not to think about it but looking at his eyes full of concern was maybe worse than thinking about where his hands were. 

“We’re not high. Well. I’m not. I can’t speak to Trent’s level of-” 

Something slammed against the window of the door causing both of them to flinch. Paxton’s hands shifted, as he put her behind him and turned back to the door. A bloody print was on the glass but that couldn’t be right. This wasn’t real. This couldn’t be real. 

“Da fuck?” Devi whispered and Paxton turned around immediately. 

“That’s what I said!” He turned back and walked closer to the door, slowly. Devi followed him, trying to see out the sliver of window, over his shoulder. 

“I think they might be right, Mrs. Hernandez.” Devi looked back as Mrs. Hernandez headed towards the door Trent was guarding.

“Don’t get too close to the door,” Trent warned, but Mrs. Hernandez was not a lady to be messed with. Last year, Devi saw her break up a fight between three football players and the football players all ended up scared of her. Nobody knew what she said to them but one player claimed she punched him so hard it knocked a tooth out. 

“We need to just hole up somewhere. Mrs. Hernandez, can you call somebody? 911? The principal? Shit’s dangerous out there,” Paxton said, keeping his eyes on the window. Devi was practically resting her chin on his shoulder now trying to catch a glimpse of anything. She could feel the heat and anxiety coming off Paxton in waves but maybe she was just not used to being so close to him. He smelled nice. 

The other students weren’t paying attention, thinking it was just a prank.  A couple of kids were using the excuse to scroll their phones, Eleanor had her eyes on Devi. And the rest of the class was occupied talking to each other about whatever weekend shenanigans they’d gotten into. 

Mrs. Hernandez looked out the window. Not saying anything. Just waiting and watching. But nothing was happening. Devi started to think maybe it was all a prank. Some dumb shit for Paxton and Trent to do to skip midterms. As a planner of hijinks, Devi was impressed with the premise. But that didn’t really make sense because why were they trying to interrupt Devi’s math midterm?

Mrs. Hernandez huffed and unlocked the door. 

Trent and Paxton both shouted for her not to, but she glared at them and opened the door. Trent retreated to the back of the classroom, trying to encourage a couple of the students who were talking to follow him by tugging on their arms as he passed. He then walked back towards the front of the class and pulled Eleanor up out of her chair by her arm. She went because unlike everyone else, she was at least paying attention to what was going on. 

“I don’t think there’s any zombies out here, guys,” Mrs. Hernandez shouted from the hall. “Paxton, Trent, get back to whatever class you’re-” 

But she didn’t finish. She didn’t scream. She just stopped. Paxton and Trent crept slowly towards the door. Devi, impulsive and impatient as ever, pushed past them to look out the front door and screamed. 

Mrs. Hernandez was on the floor. It looked like she’d been pushed down and hit her head. Eleanor tugged Devi back from the door while Trent rushed to shut it before anyone, or thing, could get in. “We should help her!” Devi cried. “Paxton, open the door and check on her! She might be-” 

But just as Devi said it, Eleanor saw movement in the window and no matter how many stage makeup tutorials she watched on youtube, her stomach couldn’t handle the gush of blood that came squirting out of Mrs. Hernandez’s neck as a kid descended on her like she was a Las Vegas buffet. 

“Somebody call 911, please!” Paxton shouted at the other kids in the class who finally seemed to realize something was going on that required their attention. Eleanor walked back to her desk and grabbed her phone while some of the other students moved to the windows of the classroom, trying to get as far from the doors as they could. 

“I’m getting nothing. That awful ringtone sound when you call a disconnected number,” Eleanor said, looking at Devi and realizing the weight of the situation. “Is anybody getting through?”

Kids around her shook their heads. “Can we text? Text Fab and find out where she is? No, if she’s home sick, she won’t be awake. Uh, text...shit everyone we know is here.” Devi dug into her pocket to find her phone. “I’m gonna call my mom.” “Oh, like your mom is gonna believe you?” Paxton snapped, putting a desk against the door. “What am I supposed to do? Use my complete lack of upper body strength to move furniture against the door like you? Who should I call? Or text?”

“I’m texting the group chat,” Trent said before Paxton could reply to Devi. He looked at his phone and hit send with a flourish. His face fell. “It’s not even going through.” 

A loud bang from outside caused Eleanor to look out the window of the backdoor of the classroom. The door Paxton hadn’t shoved furniture in front of yet. “Guys.” Her voice cracked. “It looks bad out there.” 

Before, the only thing in view was Mrs. Hernandez being snacked on. But now the hallway was filled with former classmates covered in blood, shuffling by, and generally looking like extras from a George Romero film. Eleanor would have killed to be a zombie extra a week ago but today she felt pretty confident it was an overrated role. “Holy shit, they’re everywhere,” Devi said, coming to peek out the window. “Did anybody get through to 911?” 

“Trent, the groupchat, did that go through?” Eleanor asked. “Hm? Oh no, it didn’t, Eleanor. You look very nice today, by the way.” Trent looked more calm than he had in the last ten minutes and Eleanor gave him a confused look. 

“Thanks? Can we figure out what to do about the zombies though, Trent?”

“That’s why we came to find you,” Trent said, proudly. “Paxton and I can be the muscle but you know there’s not enough brain cells between us to figure out any kind of rapid response plan.” “Hey!” Paxton interjected, offended.

“So what do you and Devi have? What should we do?” Trent asked. Eleanor looked at Devi and Devi looked back at her unsure. “I wish Fabiola was here,” Eleanor said. 

“My phone is ringing! My mom is calling!” a kid from the huddle in the back of the classroom called out.

“Put her on speaker!” Devi commanded, walking over so she could hear better. 

“Mom?” the kid asked, sounding like they were on the verge of tears. But as soon as the phone clicked over, the line went dead. 

“Shit.” Eleanor looked back to Devi. “If we can’t communicate, I don’t know what we can do! What are we going to do, Devi?”

--

“Everybody find something to use as a weapon,” Trent shouted, realizing the girls were not really up to the immediate task of hatching a plan. That was fine. He could hold off the zombies until one of the girls calmed down enough to figure something out. 

“My mom raised me to be a pacifist,” a kid said from the huddle. He had red hair and paler skin than the zombies they had seen this morning. 

“Well I hope she raised you to PASS A FIST through some monsters because we got real problems, man!” 

“That was terrible,” Paxton said, looking at Trent horrified. “This isn’t a movie, you don’t need quips, just hand the kid a letter opener and let’s move on.” 

“I thought it was pretty good,” Trent said, shrugging before moving to the teacher’s desk. “But yeah, what does Mrs. Hernandez have in her desk for everyone to get stabby stabby with?”

Despite the impending doom, despite the dead teacher just outside the door, Paxton felt like Trent was actually enjoying this. Like he was living out a dream of his. It was fucked up, but at least he was trying to get everybody armed. 

Devi wandered over to where Paxton and Trent were standing at the desk. “Uh, Trent, why don’t we use these golf clubs from Mrs. Hernandez’s closet?” Devi brandished a nine iron from the bag. “Shit, those are great!” Trent went to inspect the clubs. 

“Did you know Mrs. Hernandez was into golf?” Paxton asked Devi. There were zombies out to eat them but touching her before, on her waist, and when she perched her chin on his shoulder it got him feeling giddy. He forgot that being closer to her meant he couldn’t stop thinking about her. That was exactly why he’d stopped being close to her. 

“Nah, her ex husband ran off with his secretary so she took a bunch of his shit and has been selling it on eBay until he agrees to her alimony demands,” Devi explained. Because of course Devi would know the teacher gossip.  “Damn, that’s ruthless,” Paxton said. “Yeah.” Trent nodded. “These clubs are very expensive. Hate to ruin them by bashing a zombie head but you gotta do what you gotta do.” 

“Trent, could you try and pretend this isn’t fun for you?” Devi asked, giving him a dirty look. 

“It’s not fun. We could die at any moment,” he deadpanned. “But it’s a cool way to die. Don’t kill me, okay? If I get turned? Just let me go and munch on some people. I’ll only eat the bad ones, promise.” 

Paxton shook his head. “Nah man, if you turn, we gotta kill you. For safety and shit.” 

“Catch and release?” Trent offered. 

“No!” Devi and Paxton both said. “Ugh, fine, at least do me the honor of taking me out with one of these very nice golf clubs.” “Deal.” Paxton turned back to Devi. “So now that we’re armed, we probably need to figure out a plan. I say we stay put until we can communicate with somebody outside of school.”

Devi started to run her fingers through her hair and Paxton lost his train of thought. Objectively, it was easier to avoid getting caught by a zombie if her hair was up. But why did it feel like she was doing that seductively? He gulped as Devi tied her hair in a bun on top of her head. 

“We definitely need to talk to somebody outside of school. But I think if we can’t use phones, we’re gonna have to get out of here. Where’s your jeep parked?”

“My jeep sits four, five if we aren’t worried about seatbelts.” He gestured to the huddled group of at least 12 kids behind them. “We can’t all leave in the jeep.” “Okay, so we split up? Eleanor and Trent can stay here while you and I go out to get help.” “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Trent interrupted. “We can’t split up. That’s a sure way to get murdered. And I don’t know if you noticed, but none of us is white enough to survive this zombie movie if we start doing stupid shit like splitting up.” He gestured to Eleanor, Paxton, Devi, and himself. “I would have said Paxton is but I recently found out he’s Japanese, did you know that, Devi?”

“Yeah, man, his last name is a neon flashing sign,” Devi said. Paxton was trying to stay focused on the task at hand but he was thinking about how Devi decided when splitting up they should go together. He needed to snap out of this thinking about Devi’s every move. As high as the stakes were right now, it was going to get somebody, probably himself, killed. 

“We can’t split up, but we still need to figure out how to get help,” Devi was talking and Paxton worried he’d missed some of it thinking about Devi. That was embarrassing. 

“What about the school’s landlines? Isn’t there one in this room? Cell service might not work but surely a landline will?” Eleanor was already walking towards the phone on the desk. She picked it up, Paxton held his breath, but seeing her face fall when she put the receiver to her ear, he knew it wasn’t working either. “So no landline.”

“Why don’t we just shout?” a kid from the huddle offered, walking over to them. “Great idea, kid, genius,” Devi snapped. “Cut him some slack, he’s trying,” Paxton said, defending the kid just because Devi was the one attacking him. That was better than being obsessed with what she smelled like. Great. This was improving. Be mean to Devi. Safer. 

There was a loud crash and they all looked to the window to see another kid throwing a chair through the second story glass. 

“What the hell?” Trent shouted. “Now our room isn’t secure! It’s got a big hole for zombies to come through!” 

“He said we should shout,” the kid explained, gesturing to the broken window. 

Sure enough, out in the parking lot Paxton could see several cop cars and an ambulance. 

“We’re saved!” a random student from the huddle shouted. 

“Yeah, cops have always meant we’re saved, right?” Trent said snidely. Paxton tilted his head in agreement with Trent but maybe this time it would be different. The kid ran to the window and started shouting for help. Cops looked up at them, guns drawn, and Paxton stepped in front of Devi and gestured for other kids to get down and out of the line of fire. 

Two shots came towards them. 

“ACAB, motherfuckers,” Trent muttered.   

“Is everybody okay?” Devi asked, crawling towards the group of kids. But the kid who shouted was on the floor, bleeding from his arm. “Jesus.” 

“Give me your flannel, Paxton, I gotta stop the bleeding. Eleanor, try to shout out and tell them they shot a non zombie student and we need that ambulance.” Paxton pulled his flannel off and gave it to Devi while Eleanor tried to yell at the cops. He’d never seen someone get shot. Sure, once Marcus cut his middle finger off at a party but they sewed it back on and it didn’t bleed like this kid’s arm. His whole shirt was red. Paxton felt sick. 

Devi tied the shirt around the kid’s arm like a bandage and looked up at Paxton and started snapping. 

“Hey! Don’t pass out. You’re useless to me then! You can’t leave me with Trent as the muscle!” 

Paxton shook his head and looked at her. “Nice to know you care.” It was meant to be a rude comeback but it turned out to be sincere. 

“We’re not getting through this on our own and you’re too hot to be turned into one of those ugos,” she said, sounding more confident than she looked. 

“Right. We got this,” he said, handing her a box of tissues from the counter against the window. “We got it. We’re handling it.” 

“We’re handling it and we’re gonna get out of here,” Devi said, quieter to herself like maybe she too needed to hear it to feel brave.

[ashesandhackles]

End of the Year Reading Tag

Thank you so much for tagging me @senadimell ❤️❤️ this was fun!

1) Did you reach your reading goal for this year (if you had one)?

My reading goal was to get back to reading for pleasure as opposed to for research. I used to be able to devour novels within weeks as a teenager and well into my early 20s. My priorities shifted and i clearly got burnt out (i really felt what you meant when you talked about your own reading habits xD @senadimell ), and I only had attention span and investment for fanfiction anymore. Most of my recent reading had to do with researching an event, cultures, politics and almost always had to do with work of some sort.

I rediscovered reading for pleasure last year and I am thankful for it.

2) What are your Top 3 books this year?

Well, given that I have only finished a few books last year, it's not all that much. So Six of Crows duology? It's been a while since I got invested in characters and cared about them.

3) What's a book that you didn't expect to enjoy quite as much going in?

Persuasion. Both Austen's tendencies for run off sentences (especially daunting when reading online as a "recently rediscovering reading for pleasure" person) and a quiet, resilient protagonist was something I didn't think I would enjoy as much I did. I really adore Anne, and I didn't expect to. With Austen, I tend to be drawn towards protagonists like Lizzy or Emma and Anne was very different, but also very refreshing.

4) Were there any books that didn't live up to your expectations?

Errr. I heard a lot about Naomi Wolf's The Beauty Myth. Unfortunately for myself, I had gotten her book Vagina: A New Biography. I was expecting to learn some cultural histories, how much patriarchy informs it but it eventually devolved into embracing your inner goddess (with a dash of "here is how it is in the mystical land of eastern cultures" 🙄 and my favourite aggressive question she posed to heterosexual man via her book: "do you want to be married to a Goddess or a bitch?"), which I side-eye very heavily.

5) Did you reread any old faves? If so, which one was your favorite?

As followers from my blog know, Harry Potter became a coping mechanism in the pandemic. My favourite reading experience would be Prisoner of Azkaban. The development of Harry's journey there is so tight and contained - and also very satisfying.

6) Did you DNF (=did not finish) any books?

Plenty. 😅 It's all because of attention span because I do intend to go back and read it:

- Sweating Saris: Indian Dance as Transnational Labor by Priya Srinivasan

- Upside Down: A Primer for Looking Glass World by Eduardo Galeano

- Blank on Map by Eric Shipton / Nanda Devi also by him (i especially love his writing style, so I really want to get back to these!)

7) Did you read any books outside of your usual preferred genre(s)?

No :( possibly this year!

8) What was your predominant format this year?

PDFs! Six of Crows was bought after I finished reading it online!

9) What's the longest book you read this year?

Possibly the Six of Crows duology still? The Vagina would have been the longest, but i couldn't finish it.

10) What are your top 3 anticipated 2022 releases?

I actually haven't been following any releases. I remember checking out Christina Lauren after a recommendation to read a romance (it's been a while and I am actually really bored of this genre - to the point I want to rant about what I dislike) - they have a book with a summary that looks interesting coming out this year. It's about a girl who is an outdoor guide? I might check that one out.

11) What books from your TBR did you not get to this year, but are excited to read in 2022?

I look forward to returning to books I didn't finish - especially Eric Shipton! And also looking forward to Half of Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Adichie.

Tagging @thedreamermusing @thecat-isblogging-blog @dragonlordette @hinnyfied @mrs-stubby-boardman @floreatcastellumposts @somesunlitdays @yletylyf and anyone who wants to do this!

[catty-words]

Not the same anon, but I completely agree with your thoughts on s2 and how Devi's grief kind of took a backseat and how that hurt the pathos in S2 a bit. My gf has never seen NHIE before but when I was watching S2 it was interesting enough for her to join me but she didn't super love it. But then she went back and watched S1 and got OBSESSED with that season, haha. So that's one data point but it doesn't just seem to be our fondness for S1 clouding our judgement.

this message is immensely comforting. thanks to you and your gf for this valuable, if only anecdotal, evidence toward never have i ever season one supremacy.

on one hand, i find myself interested in the way season two seems to want devi's concern with whether the "crazy devi" moniker is inherently part of her identity to function as the driving force behind the season arc in a similar way grieving her dad had in season one. there's something especially compelling to be said about this through line when it comes up in 2.07 during the actually good apology. eric tries to call aneesa "crazy aneesa" and devi puts her foot down - saving her better-natured foil from what she fears is the worst part of herself. on the other, the way it's executed takes me back to my issue with devi versus agency. season one is all about the ways devi finds destructive, but ultimately sympathetic ways to maintain a semblance of control in her life, whereas season two doesn't feature devi forging the wrong path in desperation so much as her stumbling blindly down roads that, to her peers' outside observations, reinforce the idea that she's unstable but ultimately unfold in ways beyond devi's control. it actively does a disservice to my favorite theme from season one, even while being compelling. and that frustrating middling place is where i'm stuck with my season two feelings at the moment.