#even if there is magic or whatever that’s besides the point representing mental illness

[queer-ragnelle]

Ancient/Medieval combat trauma (PTSD) in fiction? Any recommendations? Fantasy counts, doesn’t necessarily have to be straight Historical Fiction. Just pre-guns.

[whoaffle]

Today a person of my family was complimenting and admiring Bozos' stupid-ass fucking penis-shaped rocket...

They kept talking about how it's "amazing" and "genius" and whatever... They were really impressed by the whole "show" and by the technology used and I GET that on one hand, because it IS something different and new and it is impressive (which doesn't mean it is good, I'll develop later), and this person is much older than me and they kept insisting on how, for them, in the past, this would have sounded impossible and how it's amazing that it's happening! That one person would manage to fund that by himself and not a whole country! (which again, impressive, NOT good. The fact that ONE person has the same amount of money as a large country, while others are poorer and poorer every day... The slow erasure of a middle class as social inequality becomes more and more severe every day... The fact that all this money was conquered by exploiting several poorly paid workers in shitty jobs with bad conditions... All those are symptoms of a DEATHLY ill economic system that not only has gone WRONG already but still insists on pretending to be functional while dragging down everyone along with it to the absolute limit before it collapses entirely on itself, leaving a painful scar on the people it took advantage of AND on the planet it has exploited for so long).

Going back to the point, I get it that "space travel" is a magical sci-fi dream for many people, both young and old, and that older people who think differently from most of us young adult Tumblr users would be super impressed by it, BUT... This is still so... So bad! Most of it - if not everything about it - is such an absurd scenario!

Well, knowing by previous experience that criticizing Bezos' amount of money and how he acquired it would be useless and that he'd end up defended anyways, I tried criticizing the ecological aspect of the whole thing first! But the answer I got was "Hah! A lot of stuff pollutes the world much more and no one talks about it", which, like... 1- Your point being?? That's no excuse to ignore absolutely useless shit like this polluting the earth even more just so billionaires can feel special because they can go to space while millions of people starve, die and suffer. Besides the fact that insisting on investing in this kind of technology instead of trying to prioritize Eco-friendly technologies and research is PRECISELY why a lot of other things pollute so much more - because every time someone comes up with something new they insist on not giving a fuck about the environmental aspect of their tech... So both the issues are correlated, this is not a "different thing that is less important" this is ONE of the symptoms. And 2 - Yes we DO talk about it, very often, all the time, and we hate it, and criticize it, and wish it would change. How many younger people are legit extremely worried about the environment and about the several ways governments, industries and other large-scale processes like that damage the environment? Damn, we DO complain about those!

But OK. Didn't wanna argue, so I started just using my phone instead... Then another person joins the conversation. The two of them are now like "This technology may not be put to good use now, the Space Tourism is a bad idea and it's stupid... BUT they could use the same device for other kinds of travel! Something from the technology used here could be used later for useful projects! Imagine, we could use the same rocket type tech to make commercial international flights, for example!" and I was silently thinking "Yeah right and emit even MORE useless pollution just because people wanna get to other places EVEN faster! And just because some idiots who have the money would pay THAT MUCH to be able to go faster to Paris or whatever!"

That is NOT NECESSARY and it is not SUSTAINABLE, it is not viable in long-term! Why would we use this kind of shit that is MORE expensive and MORE pollution-emitting?? Because it's faster?? Well let me tell you something then! Being faster is not only unnecessary but in this context we are living right now, it's A BAD IDEA, because our society is ALREADY deeply sick about the need to speed up literally everything and everyone has anxiety and is unable to wait a single second for anything, and so they expect faster and faster results every time, and companies - who LOVE not giving a shit about workers' mental health and well-being - expect more and more and more in less time! And this adds up pressure and stress on people's lives - which, by the way, is one of the things THIS very person from my family always complains about 'modern days'... The fact is that if traveling between continents FASTER became an actual accessible thing, that would probably just become another stupid insane standard for our already impossible-to-keep-up-with lives! Because if you travel abroad so quickly, then you are expected to get back to work on the same day and fuck jet-lag... Or anything similar! I don't know!

Anyway, I did go on a tangent here because I'm so angry and I started ranting over my rant. Let me go back to the POINT.

I was silent all the time as they kept talking about it, because honestly, no matter what I replied, they'd be like "You're too radical!", "don't exaggerate", "there are much worse things" and SPECIALLY "but the scientific advancement!"

And my WHOLE POINT HERE is that this is NOT "advancement"! It is scientific creation, development even if you will, but not "advancement"! Because it emits ridiculous amounts of carbon and other kinds of pollution in a planet that is already suffering so much environmentally and literally CANNOT HANDLE that anymore!

It is not advancement if its so expensive that only the 1% people (who hold most the money in the world) can pay for it, while billions of others just watch and starve and die in floods and fires CAUSED by that sort of shit!

That’s not "advancement"! That is fucking technological masturbation coming from egocentric morons who only want to get more money and show off!

Advancement would be coming up with actual, real solutions that help people in their daily lives! Advancement would be coming up with technologies and solutions that would work BETTER for everyone and not just to fill billionaire's asses with MORE money! It would be to find new ways to do what we do today without destroying the environment, or finding new cheaper ways to produce products and services so that more people can have access to them! And this is the absolute OPPOSITE of that! It is insisting on a way of doing things that is outdated, unsustainable and destructive, and that doesn't FIT our reality anymore and should be left BEHIND while we still have time to change!

BESIDES scientific advancement has been happening ALL OVER the world for CENTURIES and all we need is that the RIGHT technologies get attention and investment. Eco-friendly technology EXISTS we could clean the seas, we could generate free electricity for all, we could invest on lab grown meat, we could do SO much that would be actually useful and nice and helpful, but instead those sons of BITCHES only want to play in space and maybe some day run away when the planet is too sick to be fixed, leaving us - the poor ones - behind to die.

The fact is that we don't need cocky, bastard, exploitative billionaires to have scientific advancement! It would exist anyway, perhaps in better ways! And people should STOP considering technologies that are more harmful to the world than helpful as "advancements"! Because they are not, they are a problem, they are like if a man invented a flamethrower inside a house that is literally on fire and everyone found it amazing because "now we can set fire on stuff more easily and faster" yeah like, AWESOME but can we solve the PROBLEMS caused by that instead??

And honestly, I hate the excuse that "space represents hope for many people in a world that is bound to destruction" like, there would be NO need to go to space to begin with if we focused on fixing what's wrong instead of that ridiculous bullshit disguised as research or whatever when it's obviously just two things: showing off their horrible amounts of money and making MARKETING of an unnecessary service that will only benefit those who already have the easiest lives of all of us while causing issues to all others! JUST so that these billionaires can make MORE money. It's DISGUSTING.

There is NOTHING wrong about space travel as a concept, nothing wrong with researching and developing technologies that may allow us to explore space! Space exploration would be AWESOME! BUT if we're gonna work on something like that, we have to develop it in a way that doesn't harm the world EVEN MORE. We have to have priorities! We have to focus on NOT destroying this planet, for FUCK'S sake! And if the only way we have to explore space right now is by damaging our already fucked up environment even more, then NEWSFLASH, BABY - this is not the TIME to do space travel yet! AND SPECIALLY NOT FOR BILLIONAIRE SPACE TOURISM.

[nyctophilin]

A little rant

Hi! So, I have seen this post, and I told myself “This shit can’t be real!” so I decided to exit the page and enter it again and the post was still there. So I did it again and again and again and the post was still there. So this shit is real! Okay. :D

The op said that people got her hot and you know what? She got me hot too, so let’s talk about this. There were so many...things going on in that post and honestly, I am still trying to convince myself that it’s real. Fortunately, op broke it down in three sections so it will be easier for me to address that hot mess.

Warning: I have mentioned some triggering things in here like r@pe, abuse in BDSM relationships, sexualisation, spreading of personal information. Please proceed with caution.

Let’s start with section A, shall we? This whole section is about people being uncomfortable with other people writing smut. OP starts this section by saying “something people need to realize is not everyone is a soft stan or minor.” and they are right. However, there is a difference between being a hard stan and straight-up sexualising someone. 

There is nothing wrong with writing smut, but how you behave outside of that smut fic is what defines you. Some of the writers they are defending just straight up sexualise the boys. There is no creativity there. Being turned on by Hyunjin talking to his dog and sexualising something that Chan said as a response to a mean comment is another level of disgusting that some people have reached. There is no hard stan behaviour in all that, there is just disgusting people behaviour. The fact that they are “adults” does not excuse it.

Another thing they said in the A section was “as writers they can do what they would like to when it comes to their content.” and they are right here too. Is not like we can stop them from continuing to post whatever the fuck they want. However, that doesn’t mean that what they post is right and people shouldn’t be upset about it. Lolita mangas is a thing people do because they want to. Does it make it right? No. Writing fanfiction about real-life terrorists is a thing that people do because they want to. Does it make it right? No. So when someone comes for your favourite smut writer with other arguments besides “I don’t like it.” and points out problematic things with the fic then you have no right telling people to “just dont read their content.”. There are writers that write r@pe fanfiction, abusive BDSM dynamics, sexualising little space, romanticizing mental illness and many more and people have all the rights to be upset about this and call them out. So even if it “makes absolutely no sense” I will “take time out of my day to question a writer’s content” not because I don’t like it, but because it’s wrong. Believe it or not, some things are just wrong, whether people like them or not.

Moving on to section B and this is the one that upset me the most. This section is about how some people are uncomfortable with the age gap between idols and writers that are adults. To sum it up for you because I am not about to quote the whole shit, OP is basically telling us that as long as both the idol and the writer are adults then the age difference shouldn’t matter.

First of all, let’s not talk about how hellbent has been used totally wrong in this context and it took me a moment to realise what they meant, but yes, some people are really fixated on the age difference between idols and writers. You can’t come at me with the bullshit that “it shouldn't matter if everyone in question is an adult.” because you are saying that an almost 30 years old having sexual fantasies about a 19 years old is okay. It’s not. The 19 years old is fresh off of high school and the 30 years old has been working for 6 years. If you wouldn’t be okay with it happening in real life then you shouldn’t be okay with it happening to an idol. 

Some smut writers don’t even write for Jeonging because they say that it’s uncomfortable having this big age difference between them and that they can’t see themselves having sexual fantasies about a senior in high school/freshman in college. If they feel like that and understand the concern people have regarding this matter then so can the other writers in a similar situation. There is no excuse here. If you are a 28 years old thinking sexually about an 18/19 years old(because this is what you need to do in order to be able to write smut) then that is just disgusting. Period.

Second of all, I won’t even talk about the “mathematical representation” part. That whole bit it’s just pure garbage. Just take the whole part and throw it away. This is not a situation that you should represent using math. We are talking about real-life people here, not numbers. What if you were 19 and had a 30 years old write their sexual fantasies about you? Would you feel comfortable with that? Of course, the boys know that the fans have sexual fantasies about them. They are not stupid. However, and this is just my opinion, I don’t think that the first people that come into Jeongin’s mind when he thinks about that, are people approaching or being in their 30s.

Now, part C and this one is a handful. This was supposed to be about minors being upset that adults gatekeep smut but I don’t know if it really respects the theme. It starts with the question “if youre a minor and you get upset over adults writing smut then truly what are you doing??” and this is exactly what they are doing. They are getting upset that adults write smut. It says it right there, in the question. Honestly, this has nothing to do with the “gatekeeping smut” part. If you wanted it to be about that, then it should have been structured in a whole other way.

But anyway, they continue to say how minors interacting with NSFW is wrong and they shouldn’t do it and I fully agree and I have stated this before. They should not partake in this kind of activities because it was not meant for them, but I have never seen anyone say anything about “gatekeeping” smut. Minors are upset at the hypocrisy. And believe it or not, minors writing erotica is not illegal. It’s very much legal. Is it morally correct? Absolutely not and it’s best if they don’t go down that path because it will only harm them. But can you do anything to stop them? No. The only thing you can do is ask them to stop writing it and if they refuse is best to block them. But again, I don’t support minors doing that and I hope they don’t.

Also, don’t even dare tell me about adults that have minors dni or 18+ in their bio. I know for a fact that 80% of those people go and interact with minors themselves. How come you say don’t interact and then you are the one to interact? And on your NSFW blog? At least make a SFW one. None of those people actually care about keeping minors “safe”, although it is a nice impression that you have about them. With the spreading of personal information, keeping minors that write smut secret and telling possible minors to not reveal their age so they can keep interacting with NSFW content, none of those people actually care about minors. They only care about their asses. But again, it is a nice impression you have of them.

Then they go on and say “some minors think theyre mature enough to handle that shit.... NO NO YOU ARE NOT” as if turning 18 magically makes you mature enough. It doesn’t. You still have the 17 years old mentality you had the day before your birthday. I am not saying that minors are mature enough to do that, but again, is anyone mature enough for the r@pe fics and unhealthy BDSM dynamics?

And because OP screamed in that next part, so will I. HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO “GO READ SOME FLUFF OR ANGST” WHEN THE TAGS ARE FULL OF DAMN SMUT? FIRST HAVE SMUT WRITERS STOP TAGGING THEIR SMUT FICS IN THE FLUFF AND ANGST TAG AND THEN THEY WILL GO AND DO THAT TOO.

And this wasn’t planned, but we also have a bonus part. This is so exciting! They say “STOP TREATING STRAY KIDS + EVERY OTHER DAMN KPOP GROUP LIKE BABIES!” and I have been saying this for ages. And you know what I am about to say. However, doing any of the things mentioned in this post cannot be called infantilizing. Wishing that people wouldn’t sexualize or write problematic fiction about them is not babying. Getting uncomfortable when someone 10 years older than an idol has sexual fantasies about them is not babying. Stop acting as if people wishing that other people would stop pursuing disgusting behaviours is wrong.

And please “these grown men”. I almost laughed. The only man that can be called grown there is maybe Chan, but people from Hyunjin to Jeongin are definitely not grown. They are in the process of growing and becoming grown, but they aren’t grown. Of course, people are aware that they know about sex, but they shouldn’t have to deal with having r@pe fics written about them or having people much older thirst about them. And if you don’t agree with that, oh well, that’s sad.

[engelhexe]

^ RANDOM BELIEF

Various stages in the belief cycle of the self are provided in the following sections. Try each or any of them for a week, a month, or a year. This exercise may save one an unnecessary incarnation or two. It may also help to make clear the aeonic mechanism which creates the various psychic milleniums of past and future history. The beliefs are given in order, with Number 1 understood to follow on from Number 6 in a circle. Atheism and Chaoism are presented in both their early and degenerate phases to make clear the stages of change, and to permit the use of the sacred cube.

^ Dice Option Number 1: Paganism

The gods show themselves in all things. In the elements, tempestuous and placid by turns; in the seas, the mountains, the green fields, in the hail and in the lightning. They show themselves as various animals and they show themselves in metals and in stones. Most of all they show themselves in the mind of man impelling him to love, to war, to fortune, or to disaster. The gods watch over everything in the world; there is no thing not under the auspices of some god or other.

For in all things there is both substance and essence. The gods came out of Chaos, and from the gods came the essences of all things — some gods giving essences to some things and others to different things. Man contains the essences of all the gods.

What is good or what is ill is what is pleasing or displeasing to the gods. But what is pleasing to Mars may not please Venus. Hence there is war in heaven even as there is war in man. Yet by making an appropriate invocation or offering we may set matters aright and gain their favors. If we live always in devotion to our patron god and do not displease the others overmuch, our shade will go at death to rejoin the essence of its deity.

^ Dice Option Number 2: Monotheism

There is but One God who created everything.

He created man in his own image.

He gave man free will to do good or evil.

Good is what pleases God, evil displeases him.

After you die God will reward or punish you

For pleasing or displeasing him.

God also created angels and demons.

These are spirits with free will,

Some remained good, some became evil.

These spirits help man to become good

Or tempt him to do evil.

If you stop doing something evil

God will be pleased.

If you stop doing something you enjoy

For God's sake, he is also pleased.

You may pray to God and ask him for help.

You may worship him with prayer also.

By this he will be pleased.

To know how to be good and please God

You must obey the teachings

And the authority of the religious hierarchy

He has established on earth

As the one true religion.

^ Dice Option Number 3: Atheism

The idea of God or a personal soul is an hypothesis we have no need of. Besides there is not the slightest scrap of material evidence that will stand up to examination. Let's stick to what's real, shall we?

There is always some sort of a reason or explanation for everything even if we haven't managed to work it all out yet. But we're doing pretty well. I mean, you've only to look around yourself, the whole universe works on a sensible cause and effect basis; it's only hocus pocus if you're too primitive to work out how it works. Free will, for instance, is probably just an illusion caused by some defect in the neuroelectro-biochemical plumbing in the brain. But we'll all go on using it till we find out. After all, enjoyment is the whole point in life. The only sort of morality or law worth having is that which stops fools from spoiling their own or other people's enjoyment in the long run.

And when you're dead, you're dead. Until we find evidence to the contrary.

^ Dice Option Number 4: Nihilism (Late Atheism)

Material causality is everything. Science can probably explain away everything. There is nothing which is not caused by something else. But this is no-explanation.

The world now seems accidental, arbitrary, and without meaning. We can know How everything happens but there is no reason Why. The universe has become predictable but meaningless. That is the burden of intelligence, of being able to see through it all. There is obviously no spirit or personal survival after death. Hence there is no reason to do anything, or for that matter, to restrain from doing anything. Even this is to deceive ourselves for there is no such thing as free will. One cannot help but get involved in doing because one happens to be. All motivation is just an attempt to put the body-brain in a lower energy, less tense state, even if by a roundabout route.

There are no absolutes in terms of importance, goodness, meaning or truth that do not arise from the accidental structure of the body brain and its surroundings.

We are just living out the chaotically complex forces which spawned us and which will one day reduce us to nothingness again. Everything we will ever do is just a result of how we are made and what happens to us. For all our pretense of free will, we are an accident running a fixed but unknown course.

^ Dice Option Number 5: Chaoism

As above, so below

I am the universe

The life force in us

Is the life force of the universe

The subtle force in us (aether)

Is the subtle force of the universe

The gross matter in us

Is the gross matter of the universe

To Chaos, nothing is true

And everything is permitted

Though it has limited itself

To the principle of duality

In building this world

for itself.

(For a further elucidation of these beliefs consult The Book of Chaos.)

^ Dice Option Number 6: Superstition (Low Chaoism)

All phenomena having come from the one source, there exist mysterious connections between things with similarities. All like things contain the same signature or essence; they share the same spirit. This essence or spirit can be made to go into other things by bringing the signature-bearing objects into contact with whatever is being treated. This is the principle of contagion.

All things being connected in diverse, mysterious ways, one can take augury from anything about anything of which it reminds one. There is nothing that is not an omen about something else to him that but has the wit to know it. And by similar wisdom, anything can be affected by performing the required action on some other thing that reminds one of it. Like attracts like, the principle of similarity.

Wisest of all are those who know the most deeply hidden connections. They are able to be reminded of the obscure by the more obscure. They know what sacrifices are to be made to adjust or placate the essences of things. Morality is the avoidance of misfortune. One's next incarnation will be as whatever creature of which one's activity in life is most reminiscent.

^ THE ALPHABET OF DESIRE

Except for the curious condition of laughter, which is its own opposite, emotion follows a dual pattern — love and hate, fear and desire, and so on. The following Alphabet of Desire includes all the basic root emotions arranged as complementary dualisms in a form suggestive of the classical gods, or Ruach of Kabbala.

Pagan philosophers saw human qualities mirrored in nature and cast these giant reflections of themselves as gods. It is therefore unsurprising that most pagan cosmologies contain a complete spectrum of our psychology in god form.

The main divisions of emotion have been equated with planetary god forms. Each of these principles manifests in three important forms represented here by the alchemical principles of

The Mercurial (exalting, spiritual) form indicates the cathartic, ecstatic, gnostic mode. Over-stimulation of any emotive function creates a mental paroxysm in which the whole consciousness may be caught up. This is experienced as a great release or catharsis, and at higher levels, ecstasy. Finally, the one-pointed consciousness essential to mysticism and magic may supervene in which the life force can act directly. The gnostic condition is also the key to radical changes of belief or conversion. Any belief presented in this condition is likely to be retained due to the hypersuggestibility of the vacuous state of the mind.

The Sulphurous (quickening, active) form indicates the ordinary basic drives to copulate, to destroy, to be attracted by favorable stimuli and repelled by harmful ones. This is the normal functional mode of the emotion from which the ecstatic and earthly modes are derived.

Table 2. Emotional Duality

Coagula

Solve

The principle of attraction,

coming together.

[elizabethemerald]

Eternal Night Redux: Finale

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

AO3

Please please reblog!

The Hearthstone once more hummed with energy. Throughout the past few months it had slowly recovered from Gunmar draining it. Jim was delighted to see it once again to its previous healthy glow. 

Since Gunmar's defeat at the hand of the Trollhunters, Trollmarket had been constantly busy. Ambassadors from various troll tribes had been constantly coming and going. They were all working to solidify the tenuous peace that had been established. 

There was still tension between different groups. The trolls of Trollmarket disliked the trolls from Gato's Keep since they refused to come in their hour of need. Many of the trolls still hated and distrusted the changelings, and the surviving members of the Janus order returned those feelings in spades. 

Angor was still feared even by some of the trolls who had fought alongside him. And the former assassin still harbored many ill feelings for Strickler. Jim did his best to keep those two apart as much as possible. 

Even with tensions still running high between groups and between individuals they were all still gathered again. Trollmarket was filled with all manner of trolls, Krubera, Quagawump, changeling, and the survivors of old Trollmarket. The troll and changeling armies were waiting outside the Heartstone, just in case things went poorly within. 

Jim marched into the Heartstone with the Staff of Avalon in his hand. Claire and Toby were on either side of him. The rest of his growing family followed behind.

 "I must insist again that this plan is folly!" Merlin's gravely voice called forward from the back of the group. 

"Enough Merlin! We've discussed and debated this point back and forth in circles ever since we killed Gunmar."

Merlin took a breath to argue but Toby spoke over him. 

"Yeah shut up beetle brows." Toby shouted back. "You've done nothing but complain literally since we woke you up."

Merlin pushed past the others and out his arm on Claire's shoulder. "Perhaps the fair Claire-"

"Do you want to get punched again?" Claire smacked his hand off her shoulder. "Because I feel like calling me 'fair Claire' again is a sure fire way to get punched again."

Merlin flapped his mouth like a fish for a moment, and Jim swirled around to face him. 

"We've already decided. If she is going to be an enemy and try to kill us all when she gets out, that outcome will be the same whether we release her now or she breaks free a thousand years from now. At least now we are as prepared as we can be for a fight." Jim turned and led the way down the stairs as he talked. "However if there is any chance to talk her down we have to do it now. We can't just wait till it's convenient."

They pushed forward and spread out into the prison chamber. Jim strode toward the center, beneath Morgana's form, frozen in the stone. With a resounding click he pushed the staff into its home in the key hole. 

Jim looked past the staff to Morgana. If she decided to kill them all it would be the fight of their lives to get out of this chamber. He was sure that some of them would die here if it came to that. He didn't know if he could bare losing anyone here, maybe Merlin was right and this was a bad idea. 

As he wrestled for a moment with his indecision he felt a hand fall on each of his shoulders. Toby and Claire had moved forward with him. They each had one hand on the staff and one on his shoulders. 

Jim leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Claire's lips, then turned and pressed one to Toby's as well. He took just a moment to breath in the same space as them, his eyes closed before he steeled his back. 

"Together?" He asked them. 

"Together." They said as one. 

Jim wrapped both of his hands around the Staff of Avalon and with Claire and Toby speaking in the same breath as him, said the enchantment that would free the Eldritch Queen. 

They carefully aimed the green beam that blasted out from the staff at the hanging crystal. It only took a moment before the crystal shattered. Jim summoned his helmet to protect his face and his shield to protect Claire and Toby's. 

The bits of stone froze in mid air before flying back towards the now free Morgana. Jim resisted the urge to draw his sword as she hovered slowly downward. Toby and Claire both had their collapsed weapons in their hands, they were trying not look threatening, but they didn't want to be taken by surprise. Jim stepped forward toward the golden armored woman. 

"Morgana! We have freed you in a bid for peace." Jim said. His voice took on a commanding air that still took him by surprise, though the others had come to expect it. 

Morgana did not reply instead she swept her gaze over those gathered here. Jim worried for a moment whether she understood him, and was about to try again in Trollish. Before he could the gravely voice he had come to dread spoke up. 

"Like I said, it is foolish to trust her!" Merlin stepped forward his sword in hand. 

Before anyone could react to stop him, golden glyphs appeared around Morgana's emerald hand. The magic blast knocked Merlin back into the wall. Jim hesitated for a moment waiting for any other magic attack. 

"We'll go ahead and give you that one, but we would like to talk peace."

"You dare try and talk to me about peace?" Morgana's voice reverberated in the room. "You want to talk about peace while you are wearing the amulet forged from my hand!"

Jim had to stop himself from taking a step back from the force of her fury. He mentally berated himself. Wearing the armor put a serious dent in his negotiation ability. He was surprised when Claire stepped forward, boldly facing the Eldritch Queen.  

"If you don't want to talk peace with Jim, then talk peace with me!" Claire's voice took on the same magical quality as Morgana's as she spoke. "You possessed me! Tried to destroy my soul! Tried to kill my boyfriend!"

As she spoke Morgana slowly floated lower till she was standing on the ground. She still towered over the children, but at least she wasn't blasting them apart. Jim couldn't help but notice that she was easily the tallest non troll in the room. 

"I have every right to hate you!" Claire continued. "To want you dead for what you did to me! But I want to offer a chance to end the fighting! To end the bloodshed that has stretched back who knows how many thousands of years."

Morgana looked at her closely, her face closed off and unreadable. She studied every line and curve of Claire's face. Whatever she was looking for she seemed to find because she nodded to herself, then settled into a floating seated position. 

"Very well my child. Let's talk of peace."

A sigh ran through the room as if every person there had been holding their breath. Claire sat down on the floor in front of her and Morgana floated lower till they were on the same level. 

"My partners will join me in these talks." Claire said. "Jim will represent the needs of Troll kind. Toby will represent the humans, both those in the town above and in the rest of the world."

Jim stepped forward and sat beside Claire. Toby sat on her other side. In an effort to show their earnestness Jim pulled at the amulet on his chest, allowing his armor to return to light. He pocketed the amulet. Toby set his collapsed warhammer aside as well. 

"It would seem I'm outnumbered at these talks. Would no one join me?" Morgana turned aside and addressed the rest of those gathered in the room. "My champion?"

Angor growled reflexively from where he had been leaning against one of the walls. "I am no longer your champion!"

"No. I suppose not." For the first time an expression other than fury could be seen on her face. Jim could clearly see it as a deep sadness. Morgana turned to where Strickler and Nomura were standing on the opposite side of the chamber. “Well what about you? Will one of you stand by your Lady Creator?”

Nomura looked away a scowl on her face. Strickler however took a step forward. Morgana waited but that was as close as he moved. 

“It is true you created the changelings. So we could work as your spies and assassins in this war. However Jim helped us, without any thought of reward, even while we were still on the opposite sides. Also he was the one who insisted that the changelings be included again and again. He was the one who fought for our place at this table. I think I can speak for all of my brethren when I say we stand for once alongside the Trollhunter. Not against him.”

Morgana looked down, her face thoughtful. When she looked up again Jim could see a fire in her eyes. 

“It is is said, that you can judge a man by the enemies he makes.” She glanced over their shoulders to where Merlin was standing. “Or by the allies he keeps.” At this she glanced to Angor. “But I truly believe the truest test of a man is the enemies he turns into allies, or even friends. Fine. I will sit alone against you.”

On impulse Jim shifted over so he was sitting to the side, in between the Claire and Morgana. Toby quickly caught on to what he was doing and moved so he and Jim were now looking at each other, with Morgana and Claire on their sides. 

“You don’t have to be against us.” Jim said. “We are all sitting together.”

Claire leaned forward pulling Morgana’s attention. 

“The three of us have fought together against everything we have come across.” Claire said. “We can all fight together now.”

In an uncommon display of seriousness Toby also leaned forward as well meeting Morgana’s eyes. “Seriously can we get this conversation started? This armor is super uncomfortable to sit in for long periods of time.”

Jim and Claire laughed, and even Morgana smiled. Together all four of them, the three Trollhunters and the Eldritch Queen sat and talked. They talked of war and bloodshed. And they talked of peace, and rebuilding. They talked long into the night, Blinky and Aaarrrgghh eventually bringing in chairs so they didn’t have to sit on the floor. 

In the end they spoke of balance. Of a balance that had been absent from the world for far too long. Together they spoke of creating a better future, for Troll, Human, Changeling, Wizard and anyone else out in the universe.

Fin

[odanurr87]

My thoughts on... Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice

Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice is not an easy game to describe and even less so to review but I’ll give it my best shot. Developed by Ninja Theory (Enslaved: Odyssey to the West, DmC: Devil May Cry), it follows the story of Senua, a (late) 8th century Pict warrior (for reference, the Picts were also depicted in the 2004 version of King Arthur) who ventures into Viking territory on a quest to find the underworld (Hel) and resurrect her beloved, Dillion. However, Senua’s journey is anything but straightforward as she suffers from severe psychotic mental illness. Consequently, she’s plagued by visions and voices in equal measure while, at the same time, fighting a darkness that threatens to consume her.

Where to begin?

While I cannot attest to the accuracy of the game’s representation of psychosis, from what I’ve seen and read it would seem Ninja Theory has done a commendable and thorough job. The developers used binaural audio to simulate a three-dimensional space with a result nothing short of astounding. I played the game wearing a headset and I could hear the voices all around me, some near, others far, always insistent. Sometimes they would mock Senua’s stubborn determination to spot patterns and solve puzzles, but they could also be helpful and warn me when an enemy was sneaking up behind me. The voices are truly maddening and you’ll be glad to be rid of them, if only for a little while. But that’s not all Hellblade does to mess with your mind, far from it.

As I explained above, because of her illness, Senua is prone to having visions and seeing things that aren’t objectively there for most of us. She has a tendency to look for patterns that the game cleverly introduces and reinforces by having you find them in order to unlock doors and progress further into the underworld. It is difficult to say how effectively this represents psychotic mental illness as it’s basically left up to the player’s interpretation. Mechanically, you cannot progress until you find the patterns as the door will not budge. Psychologically, it could be argued that the door can be moved but it is Senua who refuses to advance until she has obliged that part of her brain that is constantly hunting for patterns. And this is barely scratching the surface of what the guys at Ninja Theory have done with this subject matter throughout the game.

The pattern... Can you see it? No. That’s okay, few people can.

Accompanying you in your descent through Hel are a few narrators that will alternate in different segments of the game. The most prominent of these however, is Druth, a former prisoner of the Vikings who managed to escape and come across Senua. It was he who told Senua about the Northmen’s customs and beliefs (in particular, the existence of Hel) and it is also he who provides the narration for the many lorestones you’ll find scattered throughout the game, describing episodes of Norse mythology. Druth and his tales are a welcome companion in our journey, providing a few much-needed moments of levity from time to time. 

I guess this is as good a time as any to commend Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice for its superb, and I don’t use the word lightly, voiceover work. Every one of the narrators came across as emotionally-invested in the story of Senua and they served their roles admirably. Druth, voiced by Nicholas Boulton, was probably my favourite, but the Narrator (the main one), voiced by Chipo Chung, is a very close second. She reminded me of Cate Blanchett’s monologue during the prologue of The Lord of the Rings. Ah, who am I kidding, Oliver Walker as Dillion was pretty good too, not to mention Senua herself, played and voiced by Melina Juergens.

Speaking of Melina Juergens and Senua, Ninja Theory made the right call going with a full digital double as so much of Senua’s story is told, not just throught her inflection, but through her facial expressions as well. We’re treated to numerous close-ups of Senua where we witness her fear, desperation, anxiety, sadness, anger, joy, and relentless determination. In many ways, Hellblade feels very much like we’re being treated to a one-man (well, woman in this case, naturally) play (a Shakespearean one most likely) as Melina/Senua has to carry the brunt of the narrative on her shoulders and, for my part, she passed with flying colours, delivering a powerful and sincere performance. 

A curious fact I picked up from the video feature that comes with the game is that Melina Juergens is actually the studio’s video editor. That’s right, she’s not a professional actress! (mind=blown) In fact, she was pretty terrified about acting at all. She was supposed to serve as a stand-in for Senua while Ninja Theory perfected their motion capture techniques and found a professional actress to play the part. Seeing as she had done most of the work already, they offered her the role, one that demanded a great deal of training, both mental and physical, from her. I encourage you to watch this dev diary about how Melina became Senua while I take a moment to applaud her even more impressive performance.

Time to dive a bit more into the gameplay. 

As you might have guessed from the trailer and gameplay videos, Hellblade is a linear experience, and progression is blocked either through the puzzle-solving bits I mentioned earlier or instances of combat against a variety of enemies. The latter can be a bit of a mixed bag depending on how you look at things. Firstly, Senua is strictly a melee warrior so you can only choose between light or heavy attacks, while also being able to block or dodge enemies. Furthermore, if you time it right, your block can stagger your enemies and leave them wide open for a devastating counter-attack that also powers your Focus. Focus in combat is an extension of Senua’s ability to spot patterns and signs and, mechanically, it allows her to slow down time to the point you can easily dispatch enemies to your heart’s content. Having recently watched Guy Ritchie’s King Arthur I would be remiss if I didn’t draw a parallel between Arthur’s wielding of Excalibur in the movie and Senua’s wielding of Gramr in the game. Not only are they both magical swords, powerful in their own right, but the combination of Gramr’s power and Senua’s focus mirrors the devastating effects of Excalibur in the 2017 movie rather remarkably. Rest assured you will feel powerful in battle... so long as you can see your enemies.

One does not simply walk into Hel with a regular sword.

See, the problem with Hellblade’s combat is that it’s all too reliant on the often poor camera angles. Throughout the game, the camera sticks very close to Senua and follows her every move, something that is mirrored in combat. Thus, more often that not you will have enemies at your back that can easily sneak up on you (moreso when they can appear out of thin air) and you’ll have a moment’s notice at best to interrupt whatever it was you were doing and dodge the hell out of the way in a direction that, hopefully, will place all of your enemies in your line of sight. Perhaps this is an intended design choice and I’m leaning towards that option. You’re not supposed to feel like a badass in combat but rather oppressed, constricted, and overwhelmed. Besides, if we had an eagle’s eye view of the map layout during combat, it would defeat the purpose of having the voices warn you of incoming attacks.

Something similar happens with movement in the game, it feels sluggish and cumbersome, even when you’re running, as if the game were reluctant to let you proceed. Again, this could also be intended and it would fit the narrative, but where does one draw the line between a conscious design choice and an unpolished mechanic that accidentally feeds into the narrative? I have not yet watched all of the dev diaries (there are 29 of them) so this could have been something that Ninja Theory intended from the get go. Still, I feel I should bring up these issues and let you, the reader, make up your mind.

Going back to the story, Senua’s descent into Hel is also a journey into her tragic past. Being the daughter of a druid (Zymbel), her father took her symptoms to be a sign of darkness and thought that only through the gods’ interevention, and by extension his own, would Senua be rid of her darkness. It can’t have been fun growing up and being told you were the cause of every bad thing that happened around you. Contrast this to Dillion’s compassionate and understanding attitude; he didn’t fear Senua’s view of the world but embraced it and supported her at every turn (in fact, it could be argued Dillion has a very modern and open-minded attitude for the time). One can easily see why Senua would be willing to go to the ends of the world to get him back. In so doing we relive memories of Senua’s past and come to understand not only what drives her but also what shaped her into becoming the tormented, but determined, young woman she is now.

Even heroes can sometimes lose hope.

Curiously, if you manage to find all of Druth’s stories, you’re treated to a small cutscene towards the end that seems to hint at Senua’s next quest and the character at the heart of it. It doesn’t seem like the type of game that would benefit from a sequel (and god knows I’d love to see one), but maybe Ninja Theory has something up their sleeve.

I’ve mentioned already that Hellblade is a game where much of it is left to the player’s interpretation. Indeed, given how vivid Senua’s visions are, it’s difficult to tell what is real and what isn’t. Is Senua really journeying into Hel or is it all playing out in her mind? And if the latter, would it be any less real for her? After all, our perception of reality is filtered by our mind and Senua is no different in that respect. Is Hel a real place or a construct of her mind? I’ll leave it to you to play the game and find the answer.

Dom Matthews, the studio’s “product development ninja,” in an interview with Engadget back in 2015, called Hellblade “an experiment,” and a very risky one at that given the subject matter. Yes, they did their due dilligence, partnering with the Wellcome Trust, a medical research charity, and having a professor of health neuroscience at Cambridge University advise on the game, but there was no way to predict how the gaming community at large would receive the game. I am pleased to report gamers seem to have taken a liking to the game. As of last week, the game had reportedly sold over 100,000 copies on Steam and it was the best-selling digital-only game on the US and UK Playstation Stores. It currently has a Metascore of 85 on PC (81 on PS4) and is also being reviewed favourably by users. It doesn’t hurt that the game costs half the price of your average AAA title and delivers a compelling, if sometimes harrowing, experience unlike anything in the market right now.

Clocking at around 8 hours for a completionist run, Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice is an experience fully deserving of my time and money, so much so I played it twice already. Even if the subject of mental psychosis doesn’t particularly appeal to you, Hellblade still plays very much like a psychological horror game, with a thoroughly-immersive atmosphere enhanced by the outstanding soundtrack by Andy LaPlegua and David García (with additional music by Passarella Death Squad and VNV Nation). I hope it continues to garners the attention and praise it deserves, we could use more games that aren’t afraid to take chances. Personally, I think it’s well-positioned to compete for the GOTY title alongside titles like Horizon Zero Dawn and NieR:Automata. Time will tell.

[pet-diary]

How was it like growing up as an autistic child? When were you diagnosed? C:

I was diagnosed later in life (mid-twenties) after seeking out the diagnosis on my own. I never really knew I was autistic as a child or as I was growing up, I just knew there was something “different” about me. It was hard to put two and two together for a number of reasons…

(adding a read more cut because this ended up being a long answer, sorry!)

I was home schooled by my mom with only my brother and sister as company until I reached the 7th grade. The only real social interaction I had was with a few family friends (most of whom trickled out of our life after a couple of yrs of knowing them, for various reasons) and kids I got to know at church. I went to church every Sunday and Wednesday until I was in jr high and had a few friendships that lasted a few yrs, but all of them ended over time (kind of badly in some cases, some of them bullied me in the end). I hung out with my cousin for several yrs until she also became too “cool” for me. Needless to say, everyone just thought I was weird because I was home schooled, isolated, and friendless through most of my little kid yrs.

Despite having a somewhat isolated childhood I was really happy I think. I didn’t really get why people didn’t want to be my friend back then. I was a pretty happy kid. I didn’t think it was all that weird to be as hyper-focused on small details of things as I was, to notice the things I did, or to have the special interests I had. Also I was really really shy and didn’t talk very much at all. I had fewer sensory issues back then because I was more in control of my environment (spent almost every minute at home!) but they tended to get worse on long trips in the car or in situations where I couldn’t get away.

I grew up in a very small town in Texas. There was no practical or helpful interventions in place for kids who didn’t “look” like they had a disability, but still did have one. None of my issues ever got singled out on an institutional level (like recognizing a learning disability or whatever, my issues were mostly intrapersonal and interpersonal, everyone thought my educational issues were bc of home school). My parents thought I had a behavioral attitude problem and threatened to send me to boot camp a lot (my dad is ex marine). I got in trouble at home a lot because I was argumentative. The one time i spoke up about having anxiety and depression I got a couple of months worth of Lexapo from my GP, and never got it refilled. I was a freshman in high school at the time I think. Mental health wasn’t talked about or taken seriously where I grew up. If you had real problems you were supposed to work them out in church (no offense to ppl who believe in that, but I don’t think it should take the place of practical interventions that can help improve ppl’s lives). I mostly just started “working them out” through self injury (bad coping mechanism), and later through art.

From jr high to high school I kind of found my niche. I had groups of friends eventually, really good friends. Mostly outcast types, but we didn’t care, we were the weirdos and we liked that. I also took on the role as the artsy eccentric one in the group who said weird stuff that people thought was funny or amusing. I actually really liked this part of me, but the other issues in my life at the time made this a less happy point in my life. It was a mixed bag.At this point (basically from 7th grade on) I was dealing with a lot of depression, anxiety, self injury, etc. I started looking into psychology as a way to describe what I was going through, why I had such intense emotions, meltdowns, sensory issues, depression, headaches, stress, etc. That time period was the birth of my lifelong interest in psychology. I bought every book I could, watched every movie. There was a lot of confusing info out there (movies probably didn’t help since they don’t portray mental illness very accurately usually, lol). But autism was never really brought to my attention because of the obvious reasons (stereotypically a young boy’s disorder, mute stereotype), but also because of the divide between the medical field and the psychological field. I was looking in the wrong places, apparently. I think this divide is a major issue that will eventually need to be addressed, by the way.

To answer your actual question… Growing up undiagnosed autistic was confusing as all hell. Often sad. Very very lonely. I didn’t really get what I was doing “wrong” most of the time? For a large portion of my life I had a lot of magical thinking. I thought I was “special” and could like, control certain things in my life (kind of like in a serendipitous way? idk it’s hard to describe). I used to think I had schizotypal pd but that might have just been a result of trying to make a confusing life make sense. Maybe I do though who knows really.

I might have had these issues with or without a diagnosis, but I definitely have always felt “broken” bc I didn’t have an explanation for why I was different.I have a lot of self-loathing, lack of confidence issues that I’m still working through as an adult. To be honest with you (and I don’t consider this tmi because this is my blog lol)… I was really at my wit’s end when I decided to seek out a diagnosis. I felt broken, like a burden, like garbage parts that would never do any good in the world or mean anything to anyone. I had a lot of suicidal thoughts all the time, I was in a really dark place for many years and the only thing keeping me going was my husband (then boyfriend) and my pets. When it got bad enough that I was scared for my safety I decided I needed to demand help from myself and my family and friends.

Things completely changed when I got my diagnosis. Something in me shifted, and I felt I understood the universe more clearly. Kind of like when you learn something new in school or whatever and everything takes on new meaning somehow. It was like that. Since then, I’ve had a lot more self acceptance. I still have a lot of issues sometimes when I’m having a really bad meltdown or depression (okay it happens way more than it should, I really need to go to therapy I know, lol), but things have improved so drastically by knowing I’m autistic, I can’t even tell you. It’s also improved my relationship with my husband, (side bonus).

It hasn’t been all good, I mean, my family and irl friends have barely acknowledged it which just makes me doubt myself all over again… But then I remember “oh yeah other people don’t have to deal with this kind of shit!!!! This isn’t typical!!! This isn’t the “normal” everyone else is experiencing!! Fuck you I’m autistic or whatever else you wanna call it, come at me!!!! I’m done feeling like I’m broken so just accept it already and start to know me as me and not as this bullshit image you’ve created in your mind to represent me!!” :D

Besides, acceptance or not, I’m always going to have the issues I have. I’ll always have a hard time understanding what people are saying when there’s too much going on, I’ll always get overwhelmed and burned out, I’ll always have meltdowns (something that is very hard to accept about myself), I’ll always make social blunders and misunderstand people, I’ll always be misunderstood, I’ll always struggle with things that come more easily for others. But I’ll also always see the world from a totally different perspective from everyone else, which I think really helps me in my art and ideas. And I have a lot of fun in life when things are going well, I’m really super passionate about so much and I think that’s because of my strong emotions and connectiveness to things. I have a fun childlike view of everything when I’m in a healthy place and I love that about myself. There’s a lot of really cool things about it, and some bad things too.

Sorry this is such a long answer. I’m clearly avoiding my school work…………. It’s been a long stressful weekend and venting a little felt good so thank you for this question that I have taken way far off track, heh heh.

I should probably be more “professional” in my answers to these types of questions since this is the field I want to specialize in eventually, but whatever. This is real life and real life is messy and sometimes you get mad about your baggage and curse a little. It helps to curse a little. ;)

Also I’m an oversharer, sorry! Autism is a big interest of mine and so is human behavior. So it’s hard to hold back…