#every day i (re)discover a new reason to be mad at them

[scalpho]

bill seacaster has a lot of nerve talking about how he came to solace to give fabian "the best chance he could get" while he is actively involving himself in crimes that, if he's caught for them, could jeopardise the seacasters' place in solace. he's willing to throw fabian's "best chance" away at the drop of a hat. because he's bored. because he wants another taste of his golden days. it's so selfish, and no number of "i love you, my darling boy"s will ever make up for the fact that bill will never care about his son as much as he cares about himself

[surrogate-fawn]

Quartz and Sea Glass

((Drabble/Short story based on the backstory a rp with @mittysins of Fawn's first step into the world of surrogacy.))

{This drabble is a sequel to "The First Goodbye" and is Part Two of a planned series based on the rp between Mitty and I. This drabble will not make sense without the context of Part One.}

TW: Mentioned miscarriage/stillbirth, infertility, family abandonment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don't put me on a pedestal for what I decided to do with my life. I ain't a saint.

I'll fully admit that I became a surrogate for selfish reasons. When I discovered there was a market out there of couples who needed a healthy body to carry their baby, I did not give a single shit about helping them -- all I cared about was the money.

I was twenty years old and homeless, still living off minimum wage. Can 'ya really blame me?

Lord only knows how that little worm of an idea got into my brain. Maybe it was during a mindless re-watch of season four of Friends. Maybe it was seeing something on the news. Or maybe it was during one of those three-in-the-morning anxiety attacks -- the ones that had me scribbling down as many outlandish solutions to my life as could fit on a napkin.

Not a lot of good ideas came about that way.

However it got there, one day I found myself seated at a library computer searching up as much information as I could find about surrogacy. As soon as I saw the rates some of these couples were willing to pay, I was sold. Fifty to sixty grand -- paid over the span of months. That sure as hell beat $7.25 an hour! The fact I could be eligible for certain state benefits on top of that money didn't hurt, either.

Best part? The one obstacle that could've been in my way had been crashed down a year ago: at least one healthy and successful prior pregnancy.

This was it. This was my way out!

But I hesitated.

As I sat there, staring at the Google search results that led me down the rabbit hole, I wondered if I was really capable of going through it all again. Not so much the physical symptoms, those all passed as soon as the pregnancy was over.

I was wondering if I could handle saying goodbye again.

My son's first birthday had just passed. I'd put a candle in a cupcake and blown it out for him the day of, alone in my room and still in my UDF uniform after work. I'd wished I'd known what name they gave him. The "Happy Birthday" song is a 'lil hard to sing without a name. I'd just called him "my baby" in the song. At least it fit. He would always be my baby, wherever he was and whatever he was called.

I blinked at the blue-tinted monitor. The screen was getting fuzzy and my eyes were stinging. I force-closed the dozens of tabs I had open, shut the computer off, and began my walk back to the women's shelter.

No, I couldn't. Money or no money, I couldn't go through it again. I never...never wanted to go through it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A week later, I made another trip to the library to borrow some time at the computer. I couldn't afford a laptop or smartphone, so it was a trip I usually made every other day; but work had been leaving me too tired to swing by.

I found an email waiting for me in my inbox, from a surrogate agency site I remembered looking up. In my mad scrolling, I must have signed up for their mailing list without thinking about it. It was from the highest-rated site I'd found, so at least I didn't have to worry about it being a phishing scam or tied to some baby black market or whatever.

I almost deleted it out of reflex, but the subject line read: "The Basics of Surrogacy, Free Information Guide". A brochure? Not an ad pressuring me to join so they could start taking a cut of my pay? Sure, I'd take a brochure.

So, that was the moment I made the best decision of my life: I opened that email.

I'll spare you the business side of things, but once I got in touch with the agency it all started falling into place. The whole process was much more voluntary than I realized. I spoke with several surrogate mothers who had been matched with clients through the site, and they all stood firm that nothing was done unless both the surrogate and the parents agreed to it. I would have a say in who I matched with. I would have a say in how much I was to be paid. I would even have a say in what the birthing experience would be like!

What finally sealed the deal for me, though, was the fact this company only dealt with what I learned were called "gestational surrogacies" -- meaning none of their surrogates were the biological parents of the babies they carried. I'd have someone else's egg inside me -- I would essentially be a walking incubator. That sounds kinda weird when you think about it, but it solved the biggest issue I had with tapping into this gold mine.

Not my baby? Not my DNA? Fine by me. I decided I'd gladly get paid fifty grand to sit around and grow someone else's kid. Sounded like the easiest job in the world.

I sent my application in two days later.

Two months, a psychiatric assessment, and dozens of medical tests later, I was in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Tariqs weren't the first couple who asked to meet with me. There were two other couples I had a first meeting with, but neither of them clicked with me the way Ray and Tess did.

We met for the first time at a park situated alongside the Tennessee River, bundled in jackets to keep out the early-autumn chill. There just so happened to be a food truck parked by the entrance we agreed to meet at, and Tess declared we should get to know each other over lunch. Seeing as I had skipped breakfast to make it to work on time, I didn't mind the idea.

I was standing off to the side while the Tariqs ordered from the truck, counting out the amount of cash I had on me, when suddenly I heard Tess call me over.

"Which one 'ya want, shug?" she asked, pointing to the menu plastered on the truck's side.

They bought me a chicken panini and a hot hazelnut macchiato, insisting it was their treat. If it were up to me, I wouldn't have needed the rest of that interview -- I had already chosen to be their surrogate in my head.

Buying me food is a fantastic way to get to get me to like you.

We sat at a picnic table beneath the golden oak trees and got to talking. Raymond (or Ray, as he preferred to be called) was a second-generation Indian immigrant and Tess, his wife, was a born-and-bred Knoxville gal. They lived on the rural side of Knoxville, just barely inside the city limits, in a 1960's farmhouse they'd refurbished themselves. Both were in their mid-thirties by the time they sought out surrogacy; up until that point, they'd been though quite a battle with infertility:

They'd been trying throughout their four years of marriage, but Tess could never carry to term. The few times her pregnancy tests would come up positive, she'd bleed a few weeks later. Although they weren't opposed to modern medicine, they'd preferred to try more "natural" methods to solve their fertility issue before going to a doctor. Such methods included the Kama Sutra, meditation, crystals, herbal blends and -- of course -- prayer.

Just the year prior, it seemed their home remedies had worked when Tess finally made it into the second trimester with a baby boy.

They'd lost him in a stillbirth days before the third trimester milestone.

Piled onto that tragedy, the hospital discovered Tess had a defective uterus -- it was physically impossible for her to carry to term. So, that's where I came in.

As I told them about myself, they were delighted to know I came from a household that had rather New Age ideas about life. I didn't mention that I no longer lived by those ideas -- it would've opened too many questions.

However, I certainly understood the good home remedies could do! I was more than happy to trade my recipes for salves for Ray's tips on where to buy the best beeswax in Knoxville. So happy, in fact, that I got carried away.

"My mom makes beeswax candles," I said, hurrying to swallow the bite of panini I had in my mouth. "She used to scent 'em with oils from her flowers, but the oil would seep right outta the wax once it got warm." I chuckled, feeling my nose crinkle in the embarrassing way it does when I laugh. "Sometimes, at dinner, we'd light one of her candles at the table. We'd blink and suddenly there'd be a puddle of rose oil dripping onto the beans and cornbread!"

"Maybe I can help her out with that," Ray said with a grin. He took a quick sip of his coffee. "My grandparents keep bees over in India. My family has a lot of tips on how to melt and mix the wax."

I almost choked on my food when I realized I'd brought up my family. Shit...now I had to be careful.

"Maybe," I said with a causal shrug. "She's back home in West Viginia with everyone else. It's a little hard to make time to see 'em."

"Oh, I'm sure," Tess nodded. "It's the same with my daddy's side of the family. We're just so far apart we forget 'ta check up on each other as often as we should." She finished off the last of her bagel. "And with you, Fawn, you work full time with a little 'un at home. I'm sure 'ya family understands."

I didn't blink for a while. I just stared at the river until the cold breeze dried my eyes out. "Oh, well..." I cleared my throat, "I don't have a little one at home."

Tess looked confused. Ray looked mortified.

"But it says on 'ya file you were pregnant last year?" Tess half-asked, half-stated. I could tell from her tone that there was no malice in her. She'd clearly read my profile and made assumptions.

I smiled, maybe showing a little too much teeth. "Yeah, I was. Very healthy pregnancy, very healthy baby boy, but I don't have a little one at home."

Ray put his hand over his wife's wrist, his sea glass bracelet quietly clattering on the wooden table. Tess went pale and her look of confusion faded into a silent scream.

"Oh. I'm...I'm sorry," she stammered. "I didn't mean 'ta-."

"No, no! I don't mind bringing him up!" I said, a nervous laugh jittering my lungs. "I never get the chance to talk about my son, but I think about him all the time!"

I surprised myself when the expected sorrow didn't come. Instead, excitement filled its place -- an odd sense of relief that I could let out some of the thoughts that had been haunting me.

I proceeded to word-vomit about how wonderful it was to be pregnant with my son, and how angelic his parents were to me, and how I knew he would be okay -- even if I missed him -- and so forth and so on. I honestly don't think I stopped for breath.

I saw Ray and Tess glance at each other from the corners of their eyes as I rambled, a pair of knowing grins on their faces.

I'm no mind reader, but I think that's when the Tariqs made their final decision.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tess was with me for the embryo transfer, her ring-laden hand resting on my arm as everything was prepped. I was bloated as a water balloon from the multiple fertility drugs I'd been plunging into my veins -- every day, might I add -- for the past month. I sure was hoping those suckers worked, because being in a permanent state of PMS was ass. Total ass.

I reclined on the exam table, legs up in those familiar stirrups and my hips covered by a thin sheet of paper. I inhaled through my nose as the doctor inserted a long, thin tube of plastic through the ring of my cervix -- the end of which was attached to a syringe full of clear fluid. Somewhere in that syringe, three little embryos floated around -- and one of them was hopefully about to nestle into its new home.

I watched the fuzzy grey blurs on the ultrasound screen as the doctor angled the wand to see what he was doing. As I watched each of the three tiny balls leave the tube...I just hoped those fertility drugs didn't work too well.

Tess grinned down at me once it was over, her blonde braid falling over her shoulder. "We got three good un's in there," she said. I noticed she was clutching the quartz pendant around her neck like a string of prayer beads. "I'm sure one of 'em will like 'ya enough 'ta stick around."

I think she was just as worried as I was. Tess's egg retrieval, the test tube fertilization, the freezing, and my daily injections all combined into almost three months of prep work just for this ten-minute procedure.

And if it failed, we'd have to do it all over again. And if that failed, we'd do it again. And again.

"Yeah," I sighed, lowering my legs from the stirrups, "I hope you're right, Tess. 'Cause if not, I swear to God I'm gonna have-."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A girl!" Tess screeched to the high heavens, throwing herself against Ray in an attack hug. She jumped for joy while hanging from his neck, almost pulling the poor man to the floor. "It's a girl, Ray! We're havin' a girl!"

Ray laughed, backing up from the table so his wife didn't mule kick the ultrasound technician. "I don't know, Fawn," he said, looking my way with a huge smile and a raised eyebrow. "Do you think it's a girl?"

"Not sure," I said, my nose crinkling in a snicker, "but I think Tess said something about it being a girl."

"Shuddup you two," Tess giggled, sniffling as tears began falling down her cheeks.

Ray held his wife's face in his hands and gave her a kiss deep enough to explore the sea floor. The technician and I decided to focus on the ultrasound images to give the couple some privacy.

I craned my neck to look up at the screen. What had been a microscopic ball four months ago was now an apple-sized baby girl with wiggling arms and legs, and -- thank God -- there was only her in there. The other two embryos had never taken, but this rowdy little girl had held tight. I smiled as I watched the rapid flutter of her heart beating, amazed at the sight. I remembered being just as amazed by my son's heartbeat, what few times I'd gotten to see it.

"Look how active she is!" the technician said, pointing to the baby's constant wiggling. "You should be feeling those little dance moves of hers very soon."

Ray and Tess returned to admire the fuzzy images on the screen. Tess was drying her eyes on her sleeves, and Ray's smile may as well have been glowing. He had his arm around Tess's shoulders as they watched the miniature dance party going on inside me. The sea glass bracelet rattled as his hand came to rest over his heart.

"That's our daughter, Tess," he said. His voice broke a bit as he repeated: "That's our daughter."

"Yep," Tess sniffled, hugging her husband's torso and resting her head on his shoulder, "that's her."

I watched them hold each other like that until the technician turned off the wand and wiped the gel from my slightly rounded belly.

The Tariqs had already begun the steady payment plan we'd agreed to. Even after the agency took its cut each month, it was still more than I'd ever made in my life. That had been why I'd agreed to do this for them, after all.

That ultrasound appointment is what changed my outlook on what I was doing.

These two people. These two amazing people, so overcome with joy because I was carrying the baby that they could not.

I wasn't an incubator anymore. I felt more like a nanny, protecting their baby for them until she was strong enough to come out. They'd wanted this baby for so, so long -- and I was the one making that dream of theirs come true.

I knew what it was like to desperately want to hold a baby you were unable to have. I may not have been able to heal my own hurt, but here I was...healing theirs.

I wasn't doing it for the money after that.

I never did it for the money again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Five days after my twenty-first birthday, I woke up to a rather nasty surprise at one in the morning. I'd gotten kicked in the bladder, and my bedsheets and pajama bottoms were damp and sticking to my skin in the humid July air. Fantastic. Not again.

With a groan, I rolled out of bed and started shuffling my way to my door. I held the weight of my belly in my arms as I made my way to the upstairs communal bathroom, hoping to take the pressure off my hips.

I blinked against the harsh florescent light as it sputtered to life over the toilet. With a gruff sigh, I shut and locked the door.

"Suri, you gotta stop doing this," I slurred, my mouth too tired to move. "I'm letting you use my uterus as a bed and breakfast. The least you could do is not try to pop my bladder every night."

Surinder. Her name was Surinder, but we'd been calling her Suri for short. Ray picked it out. He liked it because it was based on the name of a Hindu god and also sounded like the word 'surrender' in English. Tess had fallen in love with the name. Me? I would've just stuck with 'Suri'. I knew exactly what kind of teasing she was in for at school with a name like 'Surinder'.

You can't exactly walk into public school with a name like 'Fawn' and not get laughed into oblivion.

At least the nickname gave her an extra name to fall back on. If that didn't work, she also had her middle name to use: Elora. I would've done the same back in high school -- I did have three to pick from -- but 'Aspen', 'Coriander', and 'Medulla' wouldn't have made the teasing any better.

I'd gone in at age eighteen and erased two of those names. It was just "Fawn Coriander Sequioa" now. Still not a normal name by any means. I often thought about going back into the records and legally changing my last name, just like my parents had done when they'd joined the commune before I was born.

I didn't need my last name. My family didn't want me anymore.

Alexander may have opened up a whole new world for me, but he made sure I burned every bridge behind me as I crossed it. I was already beginning to question my parents' worldview by the time I started dating him, but he took that little spark of doubt -- a spark that, if left alone, would've grown into a steady burn-away of my old ideals -- and fanned those embers into an uncontrollable hatred.

"They're a cult, babe," he'd told me. "Why can't you see that? I can take you away from that bullshit that says you gotta fuck other guys to be happy. I only want what's best for you, and for us."

After months of letting my teenaged angst and frustration boil over, it happened. An argument started between Mom and I over something asinine, and the geyser fucking exploded.

I parroted everything Alexander had been telling me. I told my parents they were nothing but sexual perverts who wanted me to be a whore all my life. I told them how their "woo-woo" medicine got kids killed all over the country, and that blood was on their hands. I told them how much they'd fucked up in raising me.

I told them I hated them.

I told Dad I hoped the next woman who sucked his dick bit it off.

I told Mom that if it was her, I hoped she died choking on it.

The last time I saw Dad, he was throwing everything I owned out of my bedroom window until I was on the sidewalk surrounded by broken furniture and muddy clothes.

The last time I saw Mom, she was sobbing face-down on the couch and refusing to look at me.

Even now, I would be willing sell my soul -- to lay down and die -- just to undo what I did that day.

I didn't give a shit at the time, though. I picked up what I could carry off the front lawn and walked to the nearest payphone to call Alex. I had to tell him I was finally free.

Free.

Right.

What a fucking joke.

I splashed some cold water on my face to wash off the nighttime sweat. Suri rolled one of her feet against the top of my belly, causing a little moving bump that I playfully poked with my finger.

"I'm going to bill you for all those crazy dance parties you're having in there, missy," I said with a grin, a lot less frustrated with her than I was a second ago.

I grabbed a washcloth to start cleaning myself off, but the realization dawned on me and I stopped cold. That was her foot. Her foot was at the top of my belly...which meant her head was angled down...which meant there was no way she'd kicked my bladder.

As I stood at the sink trying to solve that puzzle, I found the missing piece. My belly clamped down hard enough to pitch me forward. I grabbed onto the sides of the sink with a small gasp, feeling the muscles of my torso all tighten and shrink in the direction of my uterus. As it did, a little more dampness spread across my pajama pants.

Oh fuck.

Oh, holy fuck!

I left the bathroom in as much of a jog as I could manage, rushing back into my room and to the brand-new cell phone charging by the window. I had no idea how to save numbers on that thing, so I manually dialed Ray's number. His was the only one I could remember.

The other side of the call rang for a solid thirty seconds before Ray's sleep-drunk voice picked up:

"Hello?" he grumbled. "Who is this?"

Oh, right. He probably didn't have my new number saved, either.

"Ray, it's Fawn," I said, noticing too late that my voice was trembling. "You and Tess need to come pick me up...like right now!"

I heard a rustle on the other end, and suddenly Ray sounded very much awake. "Fawn? Fawn, what's wrong?!" I thought I heard Tess say something nearby, probably on the other side of their bed. "Why do you need us to get you?! Suri isn't due for another two weeks!"

"She...she had other plans," I said, taking a deep breath to steel my nerves. "My water just broke."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ray's face was illuminated by the highway streetlights as he glanced back at Tess and I in the backseat of the car. "How's it going back there?" he asked, flicking his gaze between us and the road.

"Aughh!" I groaned in response as a contraction stole my ability to speak. I tried to lift my hips off the leather seat as more fluid leaked from me, but the seatbelt held me down. I was already sitting in a small puddle of it, and I was worried I was ruining their upholstery. I was still dressed in my pajamas, but I considered them a lost cause.

"We're doin' fine," Tess said, slipping her hand into mine so I could squeeze it -- which I did. "Focus on the road, Ray."

Tess had buckled herself into the middle seat of the minivan, giving her enough room to tend to me while I was strapped in the window seat. I sat with my legs as far apart as the seatbelt would allow. I could already feel the baby pressing through my cervix, and I recognized the pounding pressure that came with it.

The contraction lasted about forty seconds, and it left me reeling and panting. I had no idea when to expect the next one. "Why is this happening so fast?!" I asked, my voice shrill with anxiety. "I was in labor for over a day last time!"

"It's probably not happenin' as fast as 'ya think, doll," Tess assured me, giving my hand a pat. "You could'a slept through most of early labor. Second baby always comes faster than the first, 'ya know."

No. No, I did not know!

"Tessie, how close did the doula say she was?" Ray asked, obeying his wife and not taking his eyes off the road that time.

Tess's face was bathed in white light as she quickly checked her phone. "Ten minutes," she said. "She'll be waiting outside the house when we get there."

Just before she put her phone away, I saw her clutching the quartz pendant again.

Just as promised, the doula was parked outside the Tariqs' farmhouse when we got there. She climbed out of her car as soon as our headlights lit up the gravel driveway. Ray parked the minivan with a lurch and jumped out to start helping her carry things into the house.

Tess helped me out of the car, letting me use her as a crutch as we hobbled up the front steps.

"You ready 'ta do this, Fawn?" she asked.

"Are you ready to do this?" I rebutted.

Tess paused for a second, and then rubbed my lower back as we reached the porch. "Not really," she said, "but no one ever is."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Turns out, I wasn't as deep into active labor as I thought I was. In fact, I'd barely started it. The doula told me I was six centimeters dilated, and that I'd likely been in labor for close to twelve hours at that point.

"No, that's not possible," I protested from my reclined position on the sofa. "I wasn't having contractions until now."

"Trust me, you were," the doula grinned from her place between my knees. She slipped off her blue latex gloves and tossed them in the trash as she stood up. "I'm willing to bet they were just really mild up until you started leaking."

It was a relief to know my water breaking didn't mean I was going to deliver right there and then; but it also sucked knowing I was still in for a long ride.

I spent the rest of that night laboring around the farmhouse. It was so nice to not be stuck in a hospital room that time. I was free to do as I pleased, which Ray and Tess were sure to make clear.

Ray opened a few of the windows to let the sounds of crickets and frogs in, as well as the sweet-smelling breeze of the countryside. Meanwhile, Tess made it her life's mission to make me as cozy as possible -- no matter where I ended up. Thanks to her, pillows followed me from the sofa to the floor, from the floor to the recliner, and then back to the sofa.

Eventually, I got too restless to sit still and I needed to be upright. I was on my feet for the rest of active labor, hanging from the edges of furniture or leaning on either Tess or Ray for support during the contractions. Neither of them minded a bit.

It didn't hurt any less than the first time I went into labor. At times, I was so overcome by the increasing horrible sensations that I began screaming. Each time that happened, either Tess or Ray (whichever I was currently clinging to) would wrap their arms around me and the other would redirect my focus.

"Look at me, doll," Tess said, taking my face in her hands while Ray held me upright.

I was hyperventilating and sobbing my way through a nasty contraction and had forgotten how to use my legs.

"Look at me," she repeated gently. "Focus on my face. See my eyes? My nose? My mouth?" she pointed to each feature as she listed them. "Just think about what'cha see. Think about every detail 'ya can."

It was a technique that sounded stupid on paper, but in practice it was very effective at keeping me grounded. If I counted each of Tess's eyelashes or tried to trace the shape of her mouth in my mind's eye, then I didn't focus on the pain.

I could do it. I knew I could. I'd done this whole song and dance before without painkillers. I could do it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At ten in the morning, eight hours after arriving at the house, I finally felt the shift that told me I was almost done with this.

I was kneeling on the hardwood floor of the living room, my thighs supported by the shallow birthing stool the doula had brought. Beneath me was an absorbent blue pad. Based on the design of the packaging it was pulled it from, it was supposed to be for potty training puppies. Weird...but if it worked, it worked -- and it was certainly needed. The head was descending quicky, and a few bloody strands of cervical mucus were dripping from me as the last of it gave way.

I'd shed the damp pajamas I came in, but the sweat rolling down my back made me shiver each time an outdoor breeze came through. Tess draped a thin blanket over my shoulders and stayed at my back, her hands never leaving my upper arms as I bowed my head and wailed through a transition contraction.

Ray knelt a few feet in front of me, the doula at his side. He looked a strange mixture of nauseous and excited -- we had decided he would be the one to catch the baby, and the doula was talking him through the process ahead of time. I noticed he was holding a hand to his heart as he listened to her, the sea glass bracelet hanging from his wrist.

We all knew it was about to happen.

When the head finally lodged itself into my birth canal, I said nothing. I just acted. I gripped the front edges of the foot-tall birthing stool and let out a feral growl as I started to push. A chorus of encouragement came from the people around me:

"That's it, doll! C'mon!"

"Go with the urge, Fawn. You've got this!"

"Very good, that's what we like to see."

Having gravity on my side this time made pushing feel much less like a chore. I could feel Suri working her way down each push I gave, and she usually stayed where she was once I let up. Kneeling on the stool seemed to be easing her down exactly where she needed to go.

I let out a yelp -- of surprise more than pain -- as I suddenly felt her head pressing against the skin of my perineum. The pressure opened my lips up like a flower, and the doula shined a flashlight underneath me to confirm her head was visible just inside the bulge of my lips, sitting there ready to crown with the next push.

And holy fuck, did she crown! The burn started the second her scalp met the outside air.

"Oww! God-fucking-damn it!" I white-knuckled the wooden stool, a strangled scream leaving my throat as I felt the head bulge out further, peeling my vagina apart like some demented fruit.

Ray scooted closer, rubbing alcohol up and down his arms in preparation to catch. With the doula watching over his shoulder and aiming a flashlight down so he could see, Ray slipped his hands beneath me. I felt his fingers prodding the skin around the head.

"Just like that, yes," the doula told him. "Help her open, this baby seems to be eager."

"No shit!" I roared, my arms trembling as another push sent the head rushing downward. "Fuck!"

I felt Ray's fingers trace the circumference of his daughter's head as more of it emerged, heard the quiet squelching of the afterbirth coating his fingers. When I no longer had the contraction to help me, I let up. Ray kept trying to massage my vagina open, even as I was trying to rest.

"Stop!" I snapped, and he withdrew.

Tess was hiding behind me, her hands on my shoulders the only reminder she was there. She peeked over my shoulder at her husband during the brief lull in my screaming.

"How far is she out?" she asked, unable to see for herself.

The doula craned her neck. "Almost fully crowned."

"She has so much hair," Ray said with a breathy laugh.

"She does," the doula agreed with a grin. "Her daddy's hair, too. Very dark."

I tilted my head to the side, panting heavily but morbidly curious. "Can...can I feel?" I asked.

The doula took my hand and lead it below my belly. I gasped in awe when I touched the hot, gooey ball of hair sticking out from my body.

"Woah..." I muttered, not sure what to else to say.

My fingertips wandered between my legs for a few seconds, and it was both fascinating and horrifying how my anatomy felt nothing like my own body. Everything was stretched and moved around, and it didn't feel like I was touching anything resembling a human body part -- save for the head sitting where a head shouldn't be. Frightened, I pulled my hand back just in time to bear down against a new contraction.

"Hands out, Ray," the doula gently encouraged. "Here she comes."

I felt Tess press her forehead into my upper back. I think she was feeling faint.

"Ah!" A sharp cry, almost a bark, shot from me as the head reached a full crown for a few terrible seconds. Then, with a wet slip, her whole head came free.

"Holy Mother Gaia..." Ray marveled in a half-whisper. His hands cupped the head hanging under me with the most attentive care in the world.

He didn't have much time to admire the view, I wasn't done pushing. I screamed through closed lips as I felt the ring of flesh just behind my skin get stretched wider than it had ever been. I knew something was wrong as soon as that stabbing, tearing burn began. Suri was two weeks early, but she suddenly felt bigger than my son had been.

"Pull her out!" I begged, remembering what the doctor had done. "Just pull her out!"

"Can't," the doula said. "Her hands are up by her ears, there's nowhere for us to grab."

"Take it slow, Fawn," Ray offered. "I've got her, there's no reason to rush."

I took a few quick pants and rested, hoping the stabbing burn would lessen if I let myself stretch out. It's no wonder it hurt so bad delivering her shoulders, she was making this part more difficult than it needed to be.

Tess's hands lightly squeezed my arms and I felt her hiding her face in the blanket draped over my back. Yeah, she was definitely on the verge of passing out.

Gravity was pulling on Suri even as I was trying to let myself stretch, and the shifting pressure triggered me to push without the aid of a contraction.

"Aughh, Suri come on!" I begged, pushing so hard my vision was going double.

Maybe saying her name was intimidating enough to get her to move, because with that push I felt her arms pop free. Ray gasped, and I felt his hands shift to support her upper body as the rest of her slipped out of me. I heard fluid splash and splatter onto the puppy pad, and just a second later, Ray lifted a small blue baby up from under me.

"Get her breathing," the doula urgently instructed. "Turn her over and rub her back. Support her head."

Ray obeyed, gently flipping Suri over on his lap and rubbing his large hand over her back. Her head hung disturbingly limp on her neck as he jostled her around, but I knew that's what it was supposed to be like. It still looked scary.

Suri splayed her arms out, as if she's been surprised, and let out a gurgling wail as her first breath.

"There she is," Ray sighed with releif, turning her back over to hold her in his arms. The doula whipped out a small towel and draped it over her body to keep her warm.

Tess came back to life and rushed to be beside her husband the instant she heard the baby cry. The moment she saw Suri in her daddy's hands, she dropped to her knees and covered her mouth. Her eyes spilled over, tears flowing down her cheeks.

"Oh, Ray!" she cried, her voice shaky and breaking. She reached out and pet her daughter's wet mop of black hair. "Ray, she's beautiful!"

Ray couldn't answer, he was too choked on tears of his own. Both parents held their daughter between their bodies, too joyful for words to express. Their tears and shared kisses told the story, though.

As for me, I wasn't too sure what to make of the situation. She was out, she was healthy, and her parents would be taking it from here. My job was done; but it did feel a bit...abrupt.

"Fawn," Tess turned to me, uselessly trying to dry her eyes, "do you want to hold her?"

I didn't think, I just spoke: "Yes. I've never held a baby before."

Ray and Tess lifted Suri up to me. Ray adjusted my hold so I could support the places that needed it, and Tess made sure the bloodied towel was in place so Suri wouldn't get cold. Within seconds, there I was with a minute-old baby in my arms, sitting against my bare chest.

I stared down silently at the tiny person who had been living inside me the last nine months. She was screaming her head off, but her lungs were sounding clearer each time her mouth opened. Her pink, toothless gums reminded me of a fish's mouth.

"Hey, Suri," I said, my voice sounding far away. "Must feel better out here, huh?" Suri wailed again, unhappily flailing her arms and legs around. "Or not."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I rested on the sofa, extra puppy pads beneath me, as the doula and the parents did the 'lotus ceremony' on the other side of the room. I'd had to sit on that stool for an extra twenty minutes until the placenta passed -- Ray and Tess wanted to have a lotus birth, where the cord was burned through only after the afterbirth was delivered.

I didn't want to know what they planned to do with the placenta itself.

Ray had offered to drive back to the women's shelter later that day to grab my duffel bag for me. In my panic, I'd completely forgotten the overnight bag I'd packed. So, for the time being, I was naked and covered only by the thin blanket Tess had given me.

The lotus ceremony finished up, and Ray and Tess pulled up some chairs to sit beside me. Tess had gone topless and had laid a sleeping Suri carefully across her chest, doing skin-to-skin so they could establish the proper mother-baby bond. Her eyes were red and raw, and fresh tears were falling from them.

"Fawn," she began, "you'll never know how much this means 'ta us."

"You're welcome," I said, offering the couple a tired smile. "She was a rowdy tenant, but I'd gladly do it again to give you guys the family you want. You'll be an amazing mom, Tess."

Tess let out a small sob that turned into a chuckle. "Thank 'ya."

Ray rubbed his wife's back, his own fresh tears falling. "We have something very special to give you, Fawn. It's...the closest thing we have to fully repaying you."

Tess nodded. "Money ain't enough. It would never be enough."

In sync, both couples removed the pieces of jewelry I'd never seen them without: Tess, her quartz pendant; Ray, his sea glass bracelet. Without a word, both new parents bestowed the items on me as if it were a coronation. Tess slipped the pendant around my neck and flipped my hair out from under the chain it hung on. Ray carefully slid the band of clattering sea-green beads over my hand until it came to rest softly on my wrist.

I looked at the new gifts with a grateful smile. "Something to remember you guys by?"

The couple gave each other one of their classic knowing grins.

"No," Tess said. "We chose these items months ago. They were always intended for who our surrogate would be."

I tilted my head to the side like a confused dog -- I guess the puppy pads were appropriate after all. "What?"

"From the day we met you, we've been praying over them," Ray explained, repeating the hand-over-heart motion I'd frequently seen him do with the hand that had worn the bracelet. "Each milestone we reached, we made sure our joy in the moment was stored in the crystals."

"Quartz is best to channel the energy of a mother, for Mother Gaia," Tess explained. "Glass shaped by the sea is best for a father's energy, for all life was fathered by the sea."

We were silent for a while, just staring at each other. The only sound was the soft cooing Surinder made in her sleep.

"We want you 'ta be a part of this family, Fawn," Tess said. "We've put a part of our essence into these crystals. Our joy, our love, our gratitude. So, whenever 'ya wear 'em, we'll be with 'ya."

Now I was crying. I opened my jaw to say something, but nothing came.

"We've talked about it, and..." Ray said with a smile. "...if you would like to, we'd be more than happy to have you stay here with us until you get back on your feet."

"Livin' out here has been much less of a headache than in the city," Tess continued. "We could help you find a nice 'lil place of your own sometime soon, a home where you can make a life for 'yaself."

There was another pause. I let tears fall silently down my bewildered face.

"You don't talk much about 'ya family," Tess said. "You don't owe us no explanation, but...Ray and I figured...you might need someone in 'ya corner."

That was it. That was the killing blow.

I jumped forward and threw my arms over Ray, collapsing into sobs I hadn't experienced in months. I would've grabbed both of them, but Tess had the baby. I didn't actually say anything to them, but I think they got the message.

Maybe there was something to those New Age ideas of theirs. As I sat there sobbing, I swear I could feel the warmth of Tess and Ray's love seeping into my skin through those minerals.

It seeped through my blood and sinew, and even though bone. It settled into the bleeding wound in my soul that refused to heal, the one that had been torn open the first time I called my family after the fallout:

My own mother, the one who promised to love me no matter what life threw, plunged the knife in and twisted it. The last words she ever spoke to me...were a threat to kill me if I ever tried to come back home.

The warmth of Ray and Tess's gift poured into that wound like warm honey -- not healing it, but soothing it for the first time in three years.

Maybe I was overthinking it. Maybe the heat in the jewelry was just from their body heat.

But I was sure about one thing:

I wasn't alone anymore.

~ END ~

[newronantic]

BYLER FICS PART 2

usually i read tons of fics, make a masterlist, then maybe add a few more as the hyperfixation fades out. that clearly did not happen this time. i had 12 pages of ao3 history to sort through for this. enjoy part 2!

EVERY SINGLE WORK BY BYLIEVER

Byler are married with kids! There’s lots of flashbacks to them as kids, them dealing with trauma, and them being incredible parents. They have 12 works and i’m too lazy to tag all of them but i’m obsessed with every single one

Byler in College by orphan_account

An account of Mike and Will's first year of college, recounting their experiences, the changes in their lives, and how their relationship grows and develops over the year.

Shrike by StepfordSnarker

It's the late '80s, and Will is coping with the loneliness of having left the Party behind. Somehow, through it all, he still has feelings for his childhood best friend, Mike, though he's growing to regret that fact more with each passing day.

It's the early '90s, and Mike is coming to understand that there are some people worth losing your false sense of self for. But now that Mike and Will have parted ways, this realization may have come too late.

Mike Wheeler is Doing Just Fine by AtomosphericNonsense

Mike Wheeler is doing just fine. No. Really. He’s okay. He’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with him. Nothing to see here, just mind your own fucking business. 

(AKA: local stressed and queer teen has a mental breakdown, yells at a lake, and then has several more breakdowns.)

Where It All Makes Sense by jancies

It had been three years. Three years since Vecna. Three years since California. Three years since Will almost admitted his true feelings for Mike. He just wished there could’ve been a moment. A moment where it all made sense.

baby, we’re perfect by bookinit

Senior year in Hawkins. Will and Mike figure some things out.

you rearrange me ‘til i’m sane by miketozier (smallcuts)

Will has never had a girlfriend (or a boyfriend) before. There may or may not be one person behind the reason why.

anything, anything by inblue

Five years after the Byers family leaves Hawkins, Mike and Will rediscover each other within a small apartment in New York.

i’d make a deal with god by smoosnoom (moonsooms)

Will finally rips off the band-aid. Mike won't let him.

just a secret under lock and key until then by willow_lark

Mike Wheeler's birthday is tomorrow. December 20th. The day he, like all people on their sixteenth birthday, will swap places with and discover his soulmate. He and El have been planning the logistics for weeks, and it's kind of getting on Will's nerves.

Will, for one, really doesn't want to see Mike tomorrow, especially not when they haven't spoken in years and Will's still bitter about the breakdown of their friendship. He doesn't want to think about Mike Wheeler. Or his feelings for him. And, despite what he may want, he's pretty sure that he's not ever going to have a soulmate anyway.

That's four things that Will holds as firm convictions. Only one of them will actually end up true.

He doesn't actually need to see Mike Wheeler in order to have to deal with him.

real sweet but i wish you were sober by ew_spaghetti0310

3 times mike drunkenly tells will he loves him + one time he was sober

you are so gorgeous (it makes me so mad) by andiwriteordie

It's sophomore year of college, and Max's best friend, Mike Wheeler, has just met the guy of his dreams. The only problem? Mike's mystery crush just so happens to be dating the guy of Max's dreams.

Static Re-Connection by IllogicalFallacy

A miles-apart, oblivious mutual pining, emotional summer vacation disaster-fest starring Mike, Will, and one incredibly unreliable radio connection.

kiss it better by beansie

Mike and Will, through the years and in between the lines of friendship and something more.

What do you do now, Will the Wise? by RainbowNixie

The party is playing D&D together and Mike, as the dungeon master, won’t stop trying to make the Paladin and the Cleric flirt. He’s basically making moves on Will through the game. Will is caught off guard by this, and doesn’t know how to respond to the following question:

What do you do now, Will the Wise?

Everything comes down to a simple roll of dice.

the boyfriend problem by RomeoWrites

Ted Wheeler thinks Mike has been dating Will since they were twelve-years-old. And Mike doesn’t know quite what to do with that information. Until he does.

chiron in gemini by babydraygen

Christmas, 1986.

More than half the town of Hawkins evacuated when the first earthquake hit in the spring. For those that stayed, life is carrying on as normal. Or as close to normal as it can get. Sometimes lights flicker, you get used to it.

Then Max Mayfield wakes up from her eight month long coma and it's hard to pretend things are ever going to be the way they used to.

Roll for Strength by midnighteverlark

Mike has been acting weird lately - making excuses, being evasive, smiling to himself when he thinks no one is looking. And the hickeys are the nail in the coffin. Will knows Mike has a new girlfriend that he hasn't told anyone about, and he's determined to dig up clues about this secret lady-love. Not because he's jealous. Will has moved on from Mike - really. He refuses to spend his whole life pining over someone who's never going to want him. He just wants to find out about this mystery girl, to make sure she's right for Mike and she's treating him well.

But when Mike invites his lab partner from biology along to a party, Will is a tad distracted from his mission. Because Emmett is pretty clearly gay.

time after time by bookinit

The fact that Mike is single now isn’t relevant. It can’t be relevant. Another girl will come along, and it won’t be Will because he doesn’t have the right parts. Wasn’t born the right way, the way that Mike would have preferred. It’s fine, except for the fact that it’s not fine at all, except for the fact that it’s so not fine that Will’s life is in imminent danger due to how fucked up he is over it.

But boys don’t cry, according to The Cure, so Will won’t either. He’s trying to take it to heart.

who am i (to ask for more) by bookinit

Five times Will Byers came out, and the one time someone came out to him.

i don’t want you like a best friend by andiwriteordie

Five times Mike Wheeler tells someone else about the feelings he has for his best friend, plus one time he actually tells his best friend.

[jujutsu-headcanons]

Team Tokyo First Years Headcanons

(Ft. Yuji, Megumi, Nobara, Gojo & Sukuna)

Gojo created a group chat with all three students to coordinate things. However, he never knows if Megumi reads the texts because he never says anything (he does), and all Yuji does is send memes, so basically that's its only function now.

Yuji and Nobara created a game: try to take a picture of Gojo with his blindfold off. He takes it off frequently, it's just impossible to catch an image of it. Surprisingly, Megumi of all people has gotten the closest. If you squint, you can see the baby blues.

This escalated into "who can take the ugliest picture of someone without them looking", after capturing an image of Yuji standing next to Gojo's desk with almost four chins. Nobara discovered she has many bad angles and Gojo discovered he's photogenic from ALL angles.

Yuji likes to use Nobara's ugly pictures as reaction images and memes. At first, Nobara beat him up whenever he did, but now as long as they don't leave the first-year chat she doesn't care. She'll even supply them if she's feeling silly.

Gojo started a prank war on accident and it shows no sign of stopping. It started because he enjoys Nobara's over the top reactions. When she found the LIVE snake in her bed (oh boy, everyone's soooo lucky she's good with reptiles), she immediately suspected this was Yuji's doing. She pranked him, he got her back, Megumi walked into a prank on accident, he got them back twice over, and now it just won't stop. Gojo was fully prepared to deal with the consequences, but he isn't complaining.

The First Year prank war is pretty well known around the school, and everyone's learned to stay away from anything that looks suspicious.

Gojo uses this to his advantage too; sometimes he'll pull pranks on the first and even second years just to watch them blame each other. He's even gone as far as pranking Principal Yaga hoping that he would blame the kids, but Yaga knows for a fact it's Gojo. He hasn't done anything about it though. This stresses Gojo.

Most of the time, when they eat out, each student pays for their meal. When Gojo's there he pays for all four of them, and if Yuji tries to use the "I don't have any money" excuse when Nobara decides to stop for a coffee, she'll buy him one too. She holds it against him, though.

If his kids are all craving a certain type of food (i.e. Chinese) Gojo will head out and pick it up and they'll all eat as a family.

Nobara proposed once a month they have a "spa" day. Surprisingly, the other two students agreed. She's allowed to give them manicures and pedicures (so long as she doesn't get carried away), trim and treat their hair, exfoliate their faces, and they help her re-dye her hair. Megumi is a good client, while Yuji gets bitched at a lot for squirming while getting his nails clipped and jerking when he gets his eyebrows plucked.

Yuji also proposed they have a movie night every Friday night. If they're busy, they'll move it to Saturday, or have it earlier in the day during the week. Sometimes the second years will join. Gojo is banned because he's basically seen every movie and always spoils the end. Everyone got mad at Yuji's request to use subtitles but gave up arguing with how loud Yuji chews.

They also have game nights, but they lost the pieces to most board games after Nobara threw them out the window, Megumi is the only one who knows how to play chess and Shogi, and Yuji fears the safety of his controllers after Megumi got dangerously close to beating Nobara in Smash. 

Yuji's room is the main hangout joint because of the electronics he owns. Literally, there's a whole ass common/living room for them to use. However, they go to Nobara's room for a spa day, as long as the boys are gone by sundown.

Gojo knows damn good and well his kids don't like each other in that way and would never have sex with each other, but he still feels the need to give them the talk ™. He's literally given each child a free box of condoms just in case. 

Gojo bought each student customized "if lost, please return to Jujutsu Tech" shirts. Yuji doesn't mind wearing his because it's just another hoodie to him, and Nobara doesn't mind hers because it's a crop top and it's cute. Megumi burned his in front of Gojo. 

Nobara takes the boys shopping a lot. Megumi is surprisingly good at picking out clothes that fit Nobara's physique and taste, and Yuji is there to hype her up when she walks out of the dressing room. He also isn't scared to tell her a dress doesn't look good on her, and she respects that.

Sometimes even Sukuna will pop out and give commentary. He gives really mixed signals, sometimes he tells her how she's not much to look at, sometimes he talks about the things he wants to do to that ass because of how good they look in those jeans. This results in Yuji getting slapped, Nobara yelling something like "Shut it, Fang Face!" And people staring at him funny because of it.

She also buys outfits for the boys and occasionally Gojo, because she's tired of hoodies and black. She was just as shocked as the rest when Megumi walked out in his outfit. He only wore it to shut her up, though, and hasn't worn it since.

No matter what they're doing, Yuji is ALWAYS the DJ. He has playlists for almost every occasion (spa day, sparring practice, car rides, game nights, even the times they just chill in the same room on their phones) and the only person that really complains is Sukuna, but only because he hates the Backstreet Boys.

Yuji bursts out in song a lot. No matter what he's doing, he'll just start singing. If they know it, Nobara and Gojo will join in too. Always ends in a giggle fit.

Sometimes Gojo's hand slips and boom! He has 18 dozen cookies instead of 4. He's been known to wrap the cookies up in nice tins and packages and leave them outside the kid's doors.

Gojo has also been known to cook meals for the kids and drop them off. This helps because Megumi is basically the only one who can actually cook. Yuji thinks instant ramen is okay for every meal, and Nobara burns food in a way it's still edible but you don't really want it.

The kids play wrestle, a lot. Yuji was scared to at first because the only one who really wants to fight is Nobara, but he learned quickly she can both take and deliver a punch just fine. She also isn't one of those girls that gets upset if there's an accidental grope, which is cool.

This is how the others discovered Megumi is ticklish. Yuji probably still has the scar and Nobara doesn't dare try to tickle him again.

Yuji fell asleep once and woke up to Sukuna's mouth on his cheek having a full-blown conversation with Nobara while she was reading a magazine. He swears they were gossiping about boys, but as soon as Yuji was awake enough to pay attention, Sukuna noticed and started bullying him. To this day Nobara still thinks she was talking to Yuji the whole time because she never noticed he fell asleep.

Yuji can fall asleep almost anywhere. Nobara draws on his face a lot. He's spent countless nights on Megumi's floor just because he's too lazy to move literally one room over.

Nobara has a habit of walking into the boys' rooms without knocking. Megumi is usually laying in bed on his phone or sitting at his desk, however, she's walked into Yuji doing some weird shit. Not gross shit, just... Concerning shit.

Once she walked in on him crying and didn't know what to do. She just kinda walked in and sat down with him until he stopped, occasionally rubbing his back. They didn't say a word until Yuji made a joke and Nobara continued with why she even came into his room, to begin with.

The three students are surprisingly supportive of each other like that, it's just kinda awkward and passive-aggressive at times. Sometimes they even confide in Gojo, and he takes it seriously, surprisingly.

Gojo has a Tik Tok account. He participates in every challenge, every dance, every trend, and apparently has a huge following. Yuji gets featured in the videos sometimes when he isn't recording, and he's mostly doing the stupid shit Gojo does, like doing backflips on building ledges.

While Tik Tok is Gojo's forte Yuji has done video game commentary on twitch and yt live. Megumi is quite popular on subreddits about urban legends and related folklore, and Nobara helps maintain blogs about current events, but... It's mostly celebrity gossip and new music.

Every Saturday is chore day and no one's allowed to do leisurely activities or leave until they're done. Rooms and hallways have to be vacuumed, swept, mopped, whatever. Gojo checks that the rooms aren't dirty. He doesn't mind clutter, he just hates wrappers and shit being left around. He especially pays attention to the cleanliness of the bathrooms for some reason. Megumi is good about cleaning his room throughout the week, Nobara usually just has clutter on her nightstand and dresser, and Yuji waits until the last minute to clean.

The first years used to do their laundry separately, but Nobara threw a temper tantrum when she witnessed Yuji just throw all of his clothes in the washer at once and simply turn it on. Now normally, she wouldn't help anyone get out of work, but she also likes things being done the right her way, so she does his laundry for him. Megumi got involved somehow and now they throw all of their clothes in the same basket and divide them by darks, colors, whites, and delicates. She refuses to let any of their overly- soiled clothes touch hers, so those usually get their own wash too. Each student folds and puts away their own clothes. 

Most arguments end with rock paper scissors. Pinkie promises are also sacred.

Gojo keeps a sticker board in the classroom. Whenever the kids do something good, they get a star. Whenever they do something bad, one gets taken away. When they get to five stickers they get a prize from the treasure box.

No one has gotten to five stars yet. This is good because there is no treasure box. Gojo is bullshitting everyone.

Yuji likes to steal Megumi's stickers because he thinks Megumi will not notice. He does every time.

Gojo has a stool in the corner of the classroom complete with a horribly cliche dunce cap he calls "the Naughty Corner" for when the kids "act up". Nobara ends up there because she's always on her phone, Megumi mouths off a lot and has days where he doesn't feel like doing work, and poor Yuji ends up in the naughty corner because Sukuna can't behave.

[teganberry]

Atlantis AU - Character Designs

This was waaaaaay too much fun! I guess there’s something about Kingdom Hearts characters that translates really well into the aesthetic of Atlantis. Story setup and character bio’s are below the cut!

In the year 1920 world renowned archaeologist Professor A. Wise discovers a book known as The Shepherd’s Journal, which he believes may hold the location of the Lost City of Atlantis. With the help of his two best students, Professor Wise makes sort work of decoding the ancient Atlantean language, unlocking the book’s long held secrets. He presents his findings to the famous adventure Yen Sid in hopes of receiving financial backing from him for an expedition to the Lost City. While Yen Sid himself is now much too old to venture out on such an arduous journey, he enthusiastically agrees to financially support the venture. All that remained was for Professor Wise to assemble the talented crew required to see the expedition through.

Kairi: Kairi is a University student studying history and linguistics. She is one of Professor Wise’s top students and helped him in the decoding The Shepherd’s Journal. When presented with the opportunity to join him on the Atlantis expedition she excitedly agrees the moment he asks her. On the outside Kairi appears to have a very positive outlook on life and a rather happy go lucky attitude. However, this persona is a mask Kairi uses to hide a deep pain she has carried all her life. Born out of wedlock to the disgrace of both her parents, Kairi has always been seen as an outcast in her family. Her wish to be educated at a University far away was only agreed to by her wealthy family so they may finally be rid of her for good. With the exception of her friend Roxas, Kairi feels she has never been truly loved by anyone. That all begins to change, however, when upon reaching the city of Atlantis she meet’s a mysterious Atlantean man with the most charming smile she’s ever seen.

Roxas: Roxas attends the same University as Kairi, studying history and archaeology. He and Kairi met in their first history class together and became fast friends. Upon learning of Kairi’s family and troubled past Roxas promised that he could be her new family, and that they would always be friends no matter what. He was the second student who helped Professor Wise decode The Shepherd’s Journal. Unlike Kairi, however, Roxas was less eager on the idea of actually travelling to the Lost City, fearing the journey there would be fraught with danger. Kairi comforts him and tells him that so long as he won’t regret it some day, then he shouldn’t force himself to go on the journey. After thinking on her words and knowing deep down that not seeing Atlantis would haunt him for the rest of his life, Roxas agrees to join the expedition. After all, who knows what sort of other worldly treasure he may find? Or perhaps whom he may find.

Terra: A commander who served in the first World War, Terra is recruited for the expedition along with a number of other ex-soldiers for their military know how and leadership skills. While cool and stoic on the outside, on the inside Terra has become a troubled man, scared by the horrors he faced during the War. Having seen hell with his own eyes, he is now desperate to see “the other world” wherever it may be.

Xion: Adoptive sister of Axel and mechanical engineering wiz kid! Xion, along with her older brother, were both personally recommended by Yen Sid for the expedition. There’s no engine she can’t fix. Xion makes no secret of the fact that she and her brother are only in this for the money so they can keep financially supporting their family. But despite that mentality she has a kind heart, and finds herself easily making friends with Kairi and Roxas.

Axel: Like his sister, explosive expert Axel is in this for the money, plain and simple. He was also recommended by Yen Sid, and has well over a decade of experience with explosives. Axel likes to make friends with everyone, whether they like it or not. Roxas and Kairi were doomed to be his new best friends from the start.

Sora: Growing up Sora always appreciated how lucky he was. Despite having no parents and no royal title to speak of he was somehow accepted as a ward of the Atlantean Emperor. He grew up within the palace walls and became best friends with the Prince. He had to be the luckiest orphan around! Sora thought that he had everything he could ever want, that was until he came across a mysterious girl with impossibly red hair on the outskirts of the city, who claimed to have come from the world above. Sora knew from the moment he met her that he was a goner. He just hoped the Prince wouldn’t be too mad…and why are all the rumours that Sora may actually posses Royal blood after all suddenly re-emerging?

Riku: The Prince and heir to the thrown of Atlantis. Riku understands his duty well, but that doesn’t mean he always sticks to the rules. Much the the distain of his head guard, more often then not Riku can be found sneaking out of the Palace with Sora to go hunting, or explore more of their mysterious home. The boys both know that once Riku becomes Emperor their time together will no longer be free. They swear to one another that until that day comes they will spend every moment they can together. It is during one of his many expeditions with Sora that they come across the party of explorers from the world above. Riku notices that Sora seems instantly taken by the girl with strange red hair, and even he must admit that there is something about her...

Aqua: The Prince’s head guard and and attempted voice of reason, Aqua is a woman who will do anything to protect her Prince even if that means protecting him from himself. While she does her best to maintain a stern exterior appropriate for her position in society, on the inside she has an incredibly warm and loving heart. She will just as soon scold Riku, Sora and Ven for their inappropriate actions, as she will offer them heartfelt advice and comfort whenever they need it. When the Explorers first appear Aqua does not trust them. While some of the newcomers seem friendly enough, others among the group appear to have darker motivations. And then there’s the tall man in the group, with brown hair and a haunted look in his eyes. There’s something about him Aqua can’t seem to figure out, but she determined to find the answer. For the sake of the Prince’s safety of course…

Namine: There was once a time in Namine’s life when everything was normal. Her days would pass and nothing strange or out of the ordinary would happen. She could read and draw to her heart’s content. Then one day, through no fault of her own, she somehow got mixed up in one the the Prince’s crazy adventures and by the end of the madness had seemingly become friends with the Prince and his best friend, Sora. Ever since then Namine’s life has become one ridiculous adventure after another, so it wasn’t really much of a surprise when Sora came crashing through her front door one day exclaiming that strange people from the world above had somehow appeared in Atlantis. What did take her by surprise was when she finally laid eyes on the Explorers she found that she couldn’t seem to take her eyes off one of them in particular. A young man with blond hair and a lyrical voice she just can’t get out of her head.

Ven: When Ven first signed up to be trained as a Royal Guard he had expected a tough training process that would teach him to be both strong and disciplined. What he had not expected was for the Prince and Sora to take such a strong liking to him that they would insist he join them on their expeditions at every opportunity. Caught between his duty of obeying the Prince’s request but also to follow Aqua’s commands, Ven often finds himself receiving an earful from the head guard. But once the lectures are done Aqua always admits that, while Ven shouldn’t leave his post, at least the Prince had taken some form of protection with him. When the Explorers arrive Ven is initially excited, but like Aqua he quickly becomes suspicious. There’s just something in particular about the Explorer with messy jet black black hair that sends an involuntary shiver down Ven’s spine.

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

HASO, “Living the Dream.”

I didn’t get a lot of time to write today, but I hope you all still like it :)

“No! Absolutely not!”

“This isn’t your decision to make.”

“President, this is completely insane. You have to see that.”

The two officers turned to look at the president of the UN who sat in his seat idly fiddling with a paperclip. It spun, once and then twice between the fingers of his right hand before he bothered to look up. 

The UN president was a sturdy man in his late sixties with greying hair, dark eyes and a slight paunch.  He wasn’t a man of unusual intelligence or anything like that. In fact his greatest ability and charismatic character in front of a crowd, but behind the scenes, the man was racked with indecision and uncertainty.

Admiral Kelly stepped forward and looked around the table at the other ranking officers falling lastly on the UN president who she stuck with a steady gaze, one she had been told when she was captain, had the ability to freeze even the bravest man’s blood in his veins.

“The GA has made their decision and I tend to agree with them.”

“It’s madness.” Another officer said leaning forward in his seat.

“That boy doesn’t have nearly enough experience. He was on your ship for less than a year, has only flown ten combat missions in his entire career, AND only a SINGLE ground Op.”

Another Admiral stood in agreement to back them up, “The boy is barely old enough to grow a beard much less command a ship. He has no experience.”

Admiral kelly kept her eyes narrowed. 

She knew the kind of effect she had on people. Even though she was no more than five foot five, her parents had always said her personality added another three feet.

“With all due respect, Admirals, how many of you have more than a year of experience dealing with aliens?”

The men’s jaws worked but they said nothing.

“How many of you have even fought in an alien war?”

More silence.

“How many of you have been on an alien ship?”

No one responded.

She stood from her seat, hands resting behind her back, “If you are expecting to find someone with more experience, you are kidding yourselves. And don’t come at me with some bullshit about how other officers have more combat experience. You may be right but that was against HUMANS, human conflicts and human wars. We need someone who doesn’t have their head so stuck in the past. If we send a vet in, MAYBE they will be able to deal with an alien conflict, and maybe they’d fowl it up by thinking humans are the same as aliens.” She looked around the table, “If we look at this, really look at this, he has the most experience out of ANYONE in the UNSC. He was the first one to discover aliens, he offered himself as a subject to be tested by aliens, he helped to establish communication between our species. He fought in an alien war and lived, and afterwards he came back for more.”

She turned to look around the room, her hands held wide, “The GA love him, the Chairwoman knows him by name, and they asked for him personally. Most of this isn’t even about alien conflict. We don’t have to worry about his prowess on the battlefield if there are never any battles. He doesn’t want to fight them, which means he will do everything possible to avoid war, and, most importantly, he is still loyal to the UNSC.”

She looked around at them with a very serious expression,

“I don’t need to tell you about what It took to survive operation steel eye. I know you've all read the reports. By rights that boy should be suing the UNSC for all it’s worth, but for some reason he is loyal enough to come limping back to lay at the feet of the UNSC. If I were him I would have gotten out at the first opportunity, but he’s proven a loyalty to the UNSC that we can’t just pass up. He has experience, he has guts, and he has loyalty to spare, and, lord forgive me for saying this, but if he does fail, no one will be surprised. But if he succeeds, he will be a success story the UNSC can front for the rest of this millenia.”

Looking around the table she could see that her words were making some impact on the waiting generals. She felt bad about some of the things she was saying. She hated making it out to seem like the boy was just a pawn to be used and discarded if it didn’t turn out, but that was the sort of thing these men understood. She could raise other points, the real points, but they wouldn’t be likely to listen.

She could blab at them all day about her experience with the young man. How she knew him to be ready to work, honest to a fault, funny, charismatic in an awkward sort of way, and probably the most trustworthy young man on the face of the damn planet. If there was anyone she would trust to hold the entire world in the palm of their hand, she would let him do it. Granted she would supervise him to make sure he didn’t accidentally drop it, but she KNEW that given time and some maturing the boy would make an excellent leader.

She could feel it in her bones.

Right into her marrow.

Andshe would always be there to watch him and provide her expertise if he ever needed it. 

She wasn’t worried.

Instead of saying any of this she took a deep breath, “We are going into a new age, and we need to have flexible minds. Old war dogs like us aren’t going to cut it, too setin our ways.” She turned to look around the room, “And if he fails, I will take full responsibility for his actions.”

She knew what she was doing was rash, setting her entire career on one man, and no more than a boy at that, but she had faith, and more than that, she knew who had trained him, and had to admit that he had a pretty damn good mentor.

***

Adam Vir had fallen asleep.

No one could really blame him, his flight back from Andromeda had come in late, and he hadn’t slept in over 24 hours, but still, slouched against the wall in a cheap plastic chair with his mouth open and a line of drool running down his face was hardly becoming. Despite this, no one gave him a second lance as they hurried up and down the hallway at fort harmony listening to the distant sounds of jet engines starting up on the runway crisp and cool in the early morning chill.

“Lieutenant.” Adam Vir jerked in his seat as a boot gently kicked his shoe, nearly toppling over.

“YES!”

He looked up to find Admiral Kelly standing over him, and made an undignified scrambled to his feet wiping drool from his cheek feeling red rise up from under his collar as he made a wobbly and very undignified salute.

She only smiled, “At ease, Lieutenant, and come with me.”

He let his hand dropped and he quickly followed her up the hall watching as eyes turned to look at them in mild curiosity as they passed.

Admirals didn’t often speak to lowly first lieutenants, “Where are we going, ma’am.”

She turned a corner and he nearly ran himself into the wall, dodging to the side only at the last minute and staggering a bit as he tried to keep pace with her. He was blushing madly now feeling like a clumsy idiot next to her graceful strides. 

What he wouldn’t give to be just a little bit more like her, so calm and cool and poised and…

She motioned him into the next door, and he stepped inside,holding it open for her as he did.

It was her office, which he guessed by the name plate on her desk and several shadow boxes on the wall behind her desk, each one of hem holding some medal or award or other she had received for distinguished service.

The glass on those boxes was old and mostly coated in dust not having been disturbed in a long time, as in comparison to the framed picture on her desk, which was lovingly dusted clean every morning. It looked like a picture of her family, brothers, sisters, mother and father. Her father being a very tall, very broad looking islander, while her mother was a very petite asian woman.

She clearly hadn’t interhited her father’s height, and looked more like her mother.

She Turned to sit behind the desk, hands clasped before her as the stars glittered lightly on the shoulders of her uniform.

Kelly nodded for him to sit and he did as requested.

She nodded to the yellow envelope on the desk before her, “Open it.”

He paused, and did as told, opening the envelope and tipping it’s contents out onto the desk.

His eyes were caught at first by a large folded blueprint, which he opened and spread out on half the desk before him.

It didn’t take him long to figure out what it was.

He glanced up at her, “Is this the new ship?”

She nodded.

“Next generation?” he was practically drooling, “What I wouldn’t give to fly one of these.” He looked up at her, “Are you going to be flying her, she’s beautiful.” Granted all he could see were the white lines of the blueprint but he could just imagine.”

She smiled slightly.

“Why don’t you take a look at the rest of it.”

He forced his eyes away from the blueprint and down to the rest of the packet.

On the table before him two glittering silver bars winked up at him.

He reached out with a hand and picked up the captain’ bars frowning. He then turned his attention to a pile of white papers and quickly scanned his eyes over the pages. Aam Vir may have behaved like a big idiot but he had been top of his class at the academy, and unlike the big oaf he looked like, he had pretty good reading comprehension.

Didn’t take him more than a few seconds to scan the page and…. freeze .

He blinked, re-read the lines five or six times.

Re read it again.

Looked up at kelly then back at the paper then back up at kelly.

“I…. what is this?”

She tried to contain the small smile that flickered over the front of his face, “What does it look like.”

“It…. well it LOOKS like a written recommendation for a promotion… a promotion to captain and orders to loan out for the GA…. on the next constructed interstellar ship.. .but….”

He looked up knowing what he hoped but not daring to believe.

It was when her small knowing smile was split by a grin that he knew.

His ears went suddenly muffled, his heart sped up to light speed and he thought he could hear her speaking but he couldn't hear her.

“No way!” he said 

“No way, no way no way. No friggin WAY.”

She stood, and he stood, and he found he didn’t know what to do with his hands he found himself walking in a small circle. He held the paper out to hre, “IS this serious, are you serious?”

“Serious as a heart attack.”

“No way.”

“Yes way.” “You’re serious.”

“I just said so.”

He looked down at the page and then back up again one last time, and he was suddenly so overwhelmed that he just couldn’t handle it anymore and he threw his arms around her. It was probably the most unprofessional show of emotion the UNSC had ever seen. No salute, no handshake none of that professional stuff.

Instead, he, a junior officer, was hugging the fleet commander, who he now realized was like  almost nine inches shorter than he was, and…. Was he crying?

Yep, crying like a big ugly baby, ok maybe not so bad.

He was laughing and crying and completely overwhelmed to the point of probably losing his promotion.

Luckily for him Admiral Kelly laughed with him.

Man she was was fucking amazing.

Until he eventually pulled away grinning like an idiot and not bothering to wipe his eyes..

“Take a couple deep breaths for me, Captain.”

Captain!

He loved the sound of that.

Captain Vir

Captain Adam Vir of the UNSC.

He took a few deep breaths, calmed himself down enough so he could speak, straightened up, “Thank you ma’am, I won’t let you down.”

“I know you won’t. Now get out of here, and pull yourself together before the promotion ceremony.”

He grinned again, “Yes Ma’am.” In his enthusiasm turning away, he nearly tripped over his pushed out chair, but managed to right himself before hand, giving a rueful smile and running from the room.

He managed to make it outside before bursting with excitement jumping up into the air and pumping his fist, before dancing around in a circle shouting and chanting.

A couple columns of marching soldiers looked very confused as they walked past him like he was some kind of lunatic, but it didn’t matter to him.

He had made it!

He had made it 

His dream had come true and he had made it. 

[hongnanglen-arina]

The Ulzzang Project - Part 3 | Jeon Wonwoo

 Read part 2  Read part 4

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Genre: a little fluff and angst, crack

Pairing: Jeon Wonwoo x female reader

Warnings: well, not too angsty I guess but I didn’t re-read.. oh and alcohol consuming

Words: 3.3k

A/N: Hello hello! Sorry for the rather long wait! I thought it could spice it up if someone else is thrown into the pot hehehe (: as always, I’d be happy to know your thoughts about it. Please remember that English isn’t my first language so excuse my grammar ♡

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You tapped the pencil against your chin. Working on a presentation wasn’t your thing and especially the beginning was the most stressful part, always. A brainstorming sketch was on a sheet of paper in front of you and between the person you were with. It was nice to work on it at a public place and you loved to have cafe sounds in the background. That’s why you suggested this cafe in the first place. You’ve already finished on a couple of presentations here and the vibe this cafe was giving you helped a lot. But you weren’t sure if it was the right decision today - for this presentation. You couldn’t hear the familiar sounds of people talking and relaxing with the coffee machine preparing the next order. All you could hear was whispering. Loud whispering. And you could feel the stares shooting holes in your body from every angle possible.

“We should write down some notes for the first part. Hasn’t be too much. Like in 20 minutes we compare our notes and decide what’s best?” You tried to ignore the glares you got, looking at the boy in front of you.

Yoon Jeonghan.

Actually you liked your professor but his idea to team you up with Jeonghan for this statistics project was stupid. All your prayers that he would change his mind or that Jeonghan would complain so much that you would get a different partner were useless. After he saw who you were, he even insisted doing it with you and you didn’t understand why.

So you just settled with the thought of doing it. Not that you had another option anyways.

But all those girls who were watching you two made you uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable.

Your project partner leaned back. “I’m fine if you start. I’m sure your pretty head is very useful for this.”

Somehow it didn’t surprise you. His attitude was exactly like you had assumed after everything you head… and also after seeing his Instagram. Was this boy really of no use? Tall and handsome but an asshole? Although you weren’t surprised, you still had some hope that not all good looking people were bad. Best example, your best friend Wonwoo.

The thought of Wonwoo caused you to sigh. Yesterday at this time, you were sitting outside on a bench with your friends. You could even see the place from where you were stuck with Jeonghan if you looked outside the window. After you discovered the new post with Wonwoo’s text, your break was over and everyone left for their next subject. Up until now you weren’t sure what he meant with it. It had to be a joke. Just something to gain more followers and likes. Something fitting for your fake couple page. But why did it make your heart skip a beat when you first saw it? You didn’t know what to say to your best friend or how to address the topic so you thought you would let him take the first step, which hadn’t happened. It made you angry for no reason.

You sighed again. This time louder.

“Are you mad at me?”

Jeonghan’s voice pulled you out of your thoughts. “What?”

“You didn’t react when I was talking to you so I got worried.”

Quickly lowering your gaze, you flipped around an empty page, readjusting the pencil in your hand. “Oh no no, don’t worry. Everything’s okay. I already have some ideas for our project. Just give me a moment.”

The person in front of you smiled widely at your reply, which you missed out on because you were already scribbling down while your brain was working and distracting itself from your male best friend.

“Oh great! I can leave then, yes? Thank you y/n. We can discuss our project later. Maybe tomorrow, same time same place?” He got up from his chair and was about to turn around with a ‘bye’ when you stood up as well, calling his name.

“Yoon Jeonghan, let me remind you. This is a group project. A group project is supposed to be done as a group. In a group. You may decide who will focus on which part but what you just said sounded as if you expect me to do everything alone. Please tell me I’m wrong.”

He turned around to face you again, the smile still on his lips. “I knew your pretty head was useful. You got it absolutely right. I’m looking forward to the outcome. See you tomorrow then, y/n!”

He really was an asshole.

“Stop you little shit!”

Suddenly it was quiet around you but you didn’t care. You were angry.

“The fact that I was writing and actually trying to be productive wasn’t a hint for you to stand up and go away. I want to do this because I have to. No matter if you’re my partner or someone else. Knowing you better shows me that I would probably be happier with someone else that’s not as ignorant and dumb as you. I really hoped you would prove me wrong but it’s just the looks that you have. Everything else is bad. Anyways, if you leave now, I will talk to our prof and tell him about it. I won’t do it with you if you let me work alone. I will give you one more chance or I’m the one that’s off. So?”

Jeonghan looked at you with wide eyes. 

You were the first girl. The first that wasn’t following him. That wasn’t only agreeing to everything he said. The first girl that wasn’t head over heels for him.

You were different.

“So?” You repeated, slightly impatient. There were quite some places you would rather be right now than here with Yoon Jeonghan and is admires who were glaring at you for not treating him as the hottest and most wanted man on campus. Who came up with this nonsense anyways!?

“What.. do you… want me to do?” He finally asked you and the way he was standing in front of you seemed as if he was confused, scared even.

“The presentation. It has to be done. And for that, you and I will sit here and work on it.”

He slowly flops down on his chair again and for once you thought he looked cute but you quickly shook the thought off before sitting down again as well, taking your pencil again.

As you wanted to continue writing, you heard him clear his throat, causing you to look up from your paper. “What is it?”

“… can you give me a pen and paper?” 

It took you a second until you gave him the things he asked you for. Maybe he had nothing to write. Whatever the reason, you felt great that you made the ‘holy’ Jeonghan work on the project. Maybe he wasn’t an asshole after all.

—

You sat on the floor, back resting against you bed as you took a sip of the new smoothie your mother made. There were too many ingredients, you could only remember it had apple, chia, spinach and banana in it. 

Without noticing, your sleepy mind trailed from how you were working on your presentation with Jeonghan to the boy from your shared Instagram account. There was still no message on your phone from him. Did he just write it underneath the post without a meaning? Were you the only one who was trying to read between the lines to understand what he might wanted to say?

Absentmindedly you grabbed your phone to catch up with the things you missed while being with Jeonghan the whole day after your classes. After seeing again that there was no new message from Wonwoo in you chat app - only one from Chan, asking you if you had seen the new choreography video of a dance team you two liked - you changed the app and scrolled through your Instagram feed. Nothing interesting nor new. On Wonwoo’s personal page was no update. On your shared one was no update. Bored, you clicked the like button on a photo of Dokyeom and his selfmade pizza which looked amazing and a photo of Hoshi’s tiger plushie with the text ‘horanghae’. 

Sighing, the thought of your friend still bothered you. It unusual for him to be this quiet all day. Maybe you should take the first step and just start a conversation? Casually? There was still a high possibility that he wrote the sentence without a meaning so why not say hi?

[Y/n] Hey, what’s up?

Was that casual enough?

2 Minutes passed. No response.

5 Minutes passed. Still no response.

“Why is he like this?!” You whined, letting yourself fall to the side so you were lying on the floor when your mother came into your room after knocking twice. 

“Are you alright dear? Are you exhausted from uni? Or is my smoothie bad?? You can tell me honestly, I won’t get mad, I promise.”

You pouted and mouthed ‘uni’ and she nodded understandingly. “Rest then. You know, if you need anything, tell me. I can cook your favorite dish or prepare dessert. I can read you a book or cuddle you to sleep-“

“Mom!”

She laughed and waved apologetic. “Understand. My little girl isn’t so little anymore. Just call whenever you need me. I’ll be in the living room watching my drama.”

You thanked her and watched her leave your room.

Automatically you looked at your phone again, opening Instagram. While you were working on your presentation with Jeonghan, you two exchanged numbers and followed each other on the app. You had an actually nice conversation and got to know him a little better. He wasn’t so snobbish as you though he would be.

Your eyes were glued on Jeonghan’s update from 2 hours ago. It was a photo of you how you were concentrated on writing down your part from your project, two milkshakes in front of you. His had less while your own drink was almost full and untouched because you had a rush of ideas and decided to write them down before it disappeared. You didn’t know he took a photo. That’s when you saw the text he added to the photo.

Interesting. She might become a candidate (:

A candidate for what?? Cocking your head to the side, you wanted to know what he meant with it when your phone chimed, telling you about a new message. When you saw that it was from Wonwoo, your fingers tapped faster to read it.

[Wonwoo] Bored to death. You?

[Y/n] Same. Park in 30? Crave ice cream…

Maybe you replied too fast but you didn’t care. You were just happy he was talking to you even though you weren’t sure why you were worried he wouldn’t. There was no issue between the two of you or was it?

[Wonwoo] Deal. See ya

Although you were relieved he replied and even agreed to seeing you but something in you was still worried for some reason. But you couldn’t deny the little excitement in the back of your mind.

After finishing your smoothie and making your mother happy with it, you complimented her before leaving the apartment to meet up with Wonwoo. Even though it was dark outside, the fact that you were going to meet your childhood friend made your mother worry less. She knew that he was a good person and if something scary would occur, he would defend or help you first. 

With the familiar cheers and wishes that ‘your mother would be overly happy if you two would finally get together as a couple’, you left your home and made your way to the little park. You wondered if Wonwoo was already there. 

While you were walking, your thoughts traveled to everything that happened over the last few days. 

Last weekend, when you decided to start your shared Instagram and act as an ulzzang couple just to see how many likes and followers you could get within a month. The seemingly normal texts under his posts that made your heart skip a beat. The way he babied you more than once which he had never done before. The overall vide he gave was different. You could still recognize your bestie but there was something that had changed but you weren’t able to tell why that was or what it caused. 

Then to uni. Your presentation with the infamous Yoon Jeonghan who you disliked from the second you were introduced to him through your friends and their knowledge about him. He was too handsome that he just had to be arrogant and ignorant. It turned out that he is from the outside but strangely after you scolded him in front of everyone else in the cafe, he was very nice and cooperative all of a sudden. He even told you that he would work on the middle part and you could go through it tomorrow. You still didn’t fully believe him so you might prepare something in case it was all a lie. But you could do that tomorrow. Today your priority was Wonwoo.

When you arrived at the park, he wasn’t there. Maybe you were too happy and walked too fast?

Looking around and making sure that he really wasn’t around, you slowly made your way to the swing and sat down, slightly moving back and forth with your feet on the ground and hands around the chains on each side. You looked down when out of nowhere fear crept up your spine. 

Oh your friends: the ‘what if’s’.

What if he was disappointed in you for whatever reason? Maybe for not texting him sooner? What if he was mad at you for not using your shared account? At least not as often as he did? What if he wasn’t happy about Jeonghan teaming up with you for the presentation? But then again, it wasn’t your decision. He couldn’t blame you.

You shook your head. Those questions should go away. 

You knew why they have appeared.

Because you missed your best friend.

And combined with the fact that you felt his attitude was different over the last week just added to your pile of anxiety. 

A soft tap on your shoulder caused you to snap out of your thoughts. Wonwoo was standing beside you with melon ice cream in his hands, offering you one.

“Heard you wanted ice cream?”

Immediately, you smiled at him, a warmth rushing through your body as you finally saw your friend again and him paying attention to you intensified the relieve.

“Thank you.”

You took one and started eating it while Wonwoo sat down on the other swing, both of you enjoying your ice cream in silence. The noises of your surroundings were kind of far away from you, looking for words to start a conversation.

Once you finished, you looked at the boy beside you, just to notice that he was looking at you too.

“I missed you,” you said in unison and the moment your brains progressed it, you two looked away sheepishly.

It was stupid, you had to admit. It only had been a little over 1 day that you haven’t seen your friend but because of the overall situation, you were were like this.

Again, you were looking for words to form a sentence and to distract yourself from the red cheeks. “W-what were you doing when I sent the message?”

His head turned back to you when he started to talk, “I was playing an online game but it wasn’t my day today. They always killed me with ease. Wherever I was hiding, whatever I thought was a good tactic, they found me and ended my sad life. Your message helped. What about you?”

“Did nothing. Well, complimenting my mother on her new smoothie?”

Suddenly Wonwoo was chuckling. “Sometimes I envy you for not living alone as I do.”

“You’re not alone. I’m literally always at your place.”

Your reply made Wonwoo sigh and you tried to figure out why he was feeling down all of a sudden, waiting for him to answer your silent question but he asked you something else, changing the topic.

“How is your presentation going?”

It took you by surprise but you decided to give him an honest answer, just being happy to have a topic to talk about.

“At first I hated Jeonghan but he’s okay. Really. After I got angry at him, he actually worked on it with me.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, he even volunteered to prepare the middle part. You know, the most important part of the whole thing. He also listened to me and-“

“You got angry at him?”

“U-uh… yeah. That dude wanted to leave me alone and don’t help with it. Can you imagine? He really thought he could get away with it. But not with me, ha!”

He chuckled again, seemingly approving your previous outburst of anger with the other.

While you were watching Wonwoo from the side and admiring his crunched laughter, you remembered his Instagram post and started chewing on the inside of your cheek.

Wonwoo didn’t notice your nervousness as he was shaking his head at the thought of you making a scene in front of his fanclub. He wished he would have seen it happening. Something told him that it wouldn’t be the only occasion for you to lose your temper with him and that he may see it the next time if he sticked to you more often.

“Wanna skip tomorrow’s morning lectures with me?”

The question left your lips faster than you could think and surprised you as well as him when you met Wonwoo’s expression, but his was quickly followed by a smirk.

“Do I smell a mario kart session with greasy food?”

“Yep.”

Hearing his amused snort made you happy for some reason and when he got up and held his hand out for you to grab and follow him, you did as he wordlessly asked and went to his place, hand in hand. Like you often did.

It seemed as if your anxiety was for nothing. He was the same when you arrived at his place, got out of your shoes and offered you a can of beer. He was the same when he asked you what you wanted to eat. He was even the same when he took the last bite of your dish without asking beforehand. And he was the same when he started a fight when he lost against you at mario kart 4 matches in a row. You felt as if it had been a decade since you laughed as much.

You made a mental note not to think too much again when it comes to your best friend.

After a while you two changed to more comfortable clothes as you opened your third can of beer, Wonwoo was on his fourth. That was exactly what you needed. Although it wasn’t the best decision but numbing your previous doubts and fears and enjoying the company of your bestie was the best right now.

“I love spending time with you y/n.”

Thanks to the alcohol in your system, you weren’t too shy to react to his words and felt kind of adventurous. “Thanks for the kind words but to be honest I expected to hear that you want to take your sexy photos now that I’m drunk.”

“Ha ha ah… you’re not completely wrong though.” Wonwoo readjusted his glasses and took a sip of his beer when you said, “Okay. let’s do this.” Your friend nearly choked on the alcohol but asked again what you just said, just in case he heard wrong.

“I said, let’s take those photos for our Instagram.”

[sassytrickster666]

Fluff alphabet : Donny Donowitz

A while back I saw a couple of templates this Fluff Alphabet concept is based on. Unfortunately I cannot remember which(really not intentional, id never copy ideas/templates on purpose) . If you think I've gotten inspired reading your work, please let me know! 

A = Admiration (What does he absolutely adore/admire about you?)

-Your ability to always stay calm. It amazes him how you stay calm no matter what happens. When there's an emergency you´re able to keep your shit together and do something about it. 

-How ballsy you are. You can't stand when people are being a jerk for no reason and you call them out even if they are twice your size. 

-Your reliability. Donny knows you will always be there for him. A thought that calms him and makes him feel warm and fuzzy. You won´t leave him for no reason. You comfort him when he needs it (even if he says he doesn't) and you support him. 

B = Baby (Does he want a family? Why/why not?)

Yes. Yes. Yesssssss. I cannot express how much this man wants to start a family with his one great love.  Even with all the crap he has seen, the idea of bringing something as pure and innocent as a baby into this world with you is very appealing. 

When you're pregnant he´d be giddy. Completely and wholly his. He'd spoil his princess even more than usual. Extra pillow underneath your head, accompanying you everywhere, opening up doors for you. Honestly, his ´helpfulness´ drives you crazy sometimes. 

C = Cuddle (how do you cuddle each other?)

-Big spoon. Every time. Tends to throw his leg over yours in his sleep, which in turn makes sure you´re not going anywhere. -Very intense cuddler. Likes to surprise you by grabbing/cuddling you from behind and lifting you up (especially when there's other people present like his friends).

-Really loves it when you snuggle up against him, laying your head on his chest. When you do this it is another reassurance that you feel utterly and completely safe and relaxed when you are with him. 

D =Doll (What pet names does he use?)

Doll, babe, sugar, cutiepie , and his favourite; princess.

E = evenings (how do they spend their evening? So they go out? Do they read?)

While he loves hanging out with the boys he loves it even more when you join them. You get along really well with Wicki and Aldo so why wouldn't he try to take you with him? As soon as you guys had the baby he preferred just staying home with you both being wholesome and all. 

F = first date (what was it like?)

He took you out to play pool. After both of you getting over your nerves there was lots of banter. He discovered you were better at it than he expected you to be. Tough, you totally did pretend you sucked at first so he had no choice but to show you how to play. He didn't mind ´having´ to be so close to you one bit. 

G = Gentle (Are they gentle? If so, how?)

He tries to be. He is such a bull in a china shop. He's big, he's loud… and secretly quite clumsy. The sheer amount of times he accidentally headbutted you is astounding. He makes up for it by giving you the gentlest of kisses on you forehead when he leaves for work or simply thinks you're being cute. 

H = Hands (How does he like to hold hands?)

He likes holding hands, but he prefers it when you hook your arm through his. What can I say, he likes having you close to him. It also makes it easier for him to sneak kisses. 

I = Impression (What was his first impression?)

The basterds introduced the two of you. He thought you were hella pretty and had a good sense of humour. The fact that you could hold your own around these men sure said something about you too. 

J = Jealous (Does he get jealous easily?) Depends who gets close to you. He never gets jealous when any of the other basterds get near you. You could have Aldo hanging around your neck and Wicki winking at you and he won't give it a second thought. He trusts these boys with anything. However, these are not things strange men should do if they like having nuts. Or eating without a straw. Seriously, he knows you can handle yourself perfectly fine but he just doesn't trust others. He knows what men are capable of and he is protective AF. No one gets near his princess. Not that anyone that knows this huge man belongs to you would try anything. 

K = Kiss (How does he kiss? Who initiated the first kiss?)

He kissed you on the lips first. You´d kissed his cheek long before that. You usually did when saying goodbye. This time he just couldn't help himself. You were so close to him, laughing at his jokes, touching his arm. He kissed you firmly on the lips, waiting for a response from you. Once you realised what was happening and kissed him back he immediately grabbed you and held you close to him, deepening it. 

Donny is a passionate kisser and never passes up a chance to kiss you hello or goodbye or goodnight. He also likes to kiss you to assert his dominance over other men. 

L = Love (Who said I love you first?)

He looooooves going picknicking with you. Just chilling out in the park or in the woods, enjoying some good food and each other's company. It was one of the first dates you went on and he will never forget the way you looked in your navy coloured dress, smiling up at him. It was the moment he realised he would never let you go. That he loves you to bits. It took him another week or so to casually tell you this when going to bed. As if it weren't anything significant or interesting. 

M=Mad (Do you often disagree? What happens if you do?)

You do tend to bicker about the stupidest things. But it's a nice way of bickering. It's usually playful and you just try to convince one another. If you do actually get in a fight, Donny gets uncharacteristically quiet. To be honest, it kind of scares you, even though he would never do anything to hurt you. After you've cooled off he comes up to you to make up. 

N = no (what is their pet peeve?)

Loud chewing, rude people, people that clip their nails in public, and socks that get lost in the laundry. WHERE DO THEY GO??? 

O = Orange (which color reminds him of you?)

This is so utterly fucking cheesy, but the colour that reminds him most of you is red. It is the colour of love. Donny always has been and will be a sucker for cheesy things. He also likes to ask you if it hurt when you fell from heaven. Get matching coffee cups. 

P = parent (what kind of parent would they be?)

He's quite protective of his kids, especially of his baby girl. Real papa Bear material. I pity the boy that wants to date his daughter…. He can be tough at times, especially when they did something he really dislikes like being disrespectful or lying. He would never hurt his kids but he would ground them in a heartbeat. That said, he would do anything for his kids as he´d do for you. 

Q = Queasy (How they handle being sick or you being sick)

When you get sick, he's such a sweetheart. He fluffs your pillow, gets you medicine and attempts to make you soup to help you feel better (he can't cook to save his life, so you can imagine how well that went). You often tell him you can actually get around and so some chores with a bit of a temperature or a simple stomach ache. He won't have any of that though. 

Donny doesn't get sick often, but when he does he is such a man about it. 

R = Rainy Day (what does he like to do with you on rainy days?) Stay in. Get cozy. Play games. Have friends over. Have some drinks.

S = smile (what makes them smile without fail) Your face when you have to get out of bed in the morning: a slightly grumpy, sleepy bed head looking up at him. You being overly excited about a pet or animal. You surprising him with a hug.

T = together (how clingy are they? How long do you two spend together per day on average)

Donny works quite a lot and he works hard. He takes care of his family and likes to spend a good amount of time with them (he takes you with him of course ). You don't have a lot of alone time. However, as soon as he comes home from work he quickly makes his way to you to sweep you up in his arms and shows you how much he missed you during the day. He then spends the next half hour following you around in the kitchen.  

U = Unencumbered (what helps him relax?) Doing sports (have you seen him?), having fun with friends, he also finds watching you cook or bake (and eatin it afterwards) very relaxing and mostly, actually, having sex. 

V = videos (do they take lots of videos or photos during your relationship?)

He keeps a photograph of you with him wherever he goes. It's his lucky charm. You two also keep a small photo album with photos of the most important moments. This includes some pictures of him and the guys, pictures of your wedding day and pictures of your family and kids. 

W = Wedding (What is your wedding like?)

It's a given that Donny likes to joke around and pull crazy shit. Not on his wedding day he doesn't. He is a nervous wreck when getting ready. He takes everything going well very seriously. What will you look like? Will you have gotten cold feet at the thought of spending your entire life with his crazy, annoying ass. Are they stupid and ungrounded thoughts? 100 percent. Do they successfully drive him nuts and jittery? Definitely. And definitely a couple sips of Aldo´s bourbon worthy. The wedding itself was pretty simple. The people you loved were there. Traditions were honored and the food was good. Donny couldn't hold back the tiny tear that slipped down his cheek when he saw you in your dress.  

X = eXtra (what’s an interesting fact about them that they don’t tell anyone about?) Once upon a time when you were dating he decided to steal your bathrobe to open the door for the delivery guy and he kind of never stopped stealing your bathrobe. Have in mind your bathrobe is really big (for you) and pink. And Fluffy. And Donny is a tall man so it comes up to just about the middle of his hairy thigh. It's hilarious that you actually had to buy yourself a new one.

Y = yuck (what do they hate? Could be a food, sent, word anything)

This isn't really a hard one honestly. The thing he hates most in this world are nazis and bigots alike. It makes his blood boil like nothing else. 

Other things he hates are: people that are unnecessarily rude or disrespectful, wet socks, and smelly cheeses. 

Z = Zebra (if he wanted a pet, what would he get?)

A dog. He thinks they´re great companions, and you can get crazy with them. Also, he wants a big dog. He doesn't get along with cats at all. Wouldn't know how to act around them. He always gets scratched.

[wherearemyglassesbro]

Omg omg omg omg everyone be quiet right now thank you @heyheyjay for THIS

For starters, it would absolutely have a very negative effect on Fran’s relationship with Arthur. He’s aware it’s irrational and his feelings are based on personal issues but having his rival/friend/lover defend a murderer? And have that murderer get away? Oh no, Fran would probably not talk to him for awhile after. Not because he’s mad AT Arthur, he just has to sort out his own feelings. He’s a complex guy and his feelings are like balls of colored yarn all tangled together. He has to take time to sort it all out and come to a conclusion. “I am not upset with you. I am upset with the outcome of that trial. I would like for us to go back to being friends again...If that’s alright...” he’s still closed off for awhile but eventually, he’ll open back up and go back to normal, the incident not forgotten but forgiven

The first two times Arthur saw Francis in a murder trial setting were VERY different. The first time, he was still somewhat of a rookie. He had gone up against Francis twice now in court and won both times. Now he wanted to study his way of speaking, his organization, his body language, that kind of stuff. So he sat in the crowd, off to the side out of the field of vison for the prosecutors booth.

Francis carried himself the same as usual. Confident and proud, speaking passionately on behalf of the victim, appealing to the jury. He did everything by the book and to be honest? Arthur was impressed. It was different watching him from the crowd than it was from the defense booth.

When Francis lost the trial, even Arthur was shocked. He watched him stiffly pack his papers away and leave the courtroom in a hurry. It was strange behavior for sure, something that he’d never seen before. Instead of his classic smile, he sported a frown and a look in his eyes that Arthur couldn’t place. To be nice, he caught up with him in the hallway “Look, I know I’m probably the last person you want to talk to but I want to let you know, you did fantastic in there. I don’t know how on earth you lost that-“ “Leave me alone, Kirkland” Francis all but shoved past him, making a beeline for his car. Arthur could hear the squeal of his tires from inside the courthouse

That was not the loud, extravagant Francis he knew. That was someone else, someone sad and angry...Maybe Francis was more complex than he thought (Spoiler alert: Yes. He is)

The second time he witnessed a loss, he was far closer with the Frenchman. He knew his mannerisms and his body language. The two were teetering on the edge of being in a relationship or just being super close friends. Francis didn’t want Arthur to go to this trial but he insisted “It’s my day off. I’ll come support you and we can go to lunch afterwards. No big deal. I like seeing you in court” Francis was reluctant but had him sit in the second row anyways for moral support

Again, he did everything right. Arthur was criticizing the defense in his head ‘you dolt, you’re talking too much. It’s giving Francis the upper hand’. Of course he wanted Francis to win. Even as a defense attorney himself, he knows a guilty face when he sees one. He’s once again shocked when Francis loses

This time he notices how his hands shake, clenching and unclenching. There’s tension in his shoulders, the mask of confidence gone from his face. He was fighting to suppress a frown, swallowing around the lump of guilt in his throat

Francis apologized to his clients when the court was released, hugging them and shaking their hands, promising paperwork in the mail....yadda yadda. Arthur noticed how tired he looked, the way his shoulders now sagged in defeat

“You did great out there love” “I don’t need your pity, Arthur” “I’m not pitying you. You did everything right” “Apparently not”

Arthur led him to the parking lot, cupping his cheeks when they were out of the public eye “I know how it feels to lose something big like this. It stings, I know. However, it isn’t the end of the world”

“‘It isn’t the end of the world’? Are you kidding me? You’ll never-! Forget it. I’m going home” “Francis? We were-“ “I don’t care about lunch” and with that, he got in his car and sped off, tires screeching once again

Arthur is invited over for dinner later on, Francis apologizes for the way he reacted and Arthur assures him that it was no big deal. He expresses his emotions differently than Arthur does and he is still getting used to it! And this is Francis’s first relationship since Jeanne so he’s still re-learning how to open up about more serious or intense feelings. There’s a learning curve for them both.

So I also I think I’m gonna talk about Jeanne again cause I WAS gonna have a single post dedicated to her effect on Fran and Art’s relationship but I think lll....Just go over it here. There is a small fic at the end but I can’t even really call it that, it’s 2 paragraphs of text lol so yeah :)

More under the cut cause this is getting long and I feel bad clogging your dashes :0

So Art knew about Jeanne before he really knew Francis personally. Before he goes up against prosecutors, he asks Eliza about them and their argument styles, stuff like that. She advised him to stay away from murder trials if Fran managed to get his hands on one and since he didn’t know about Jeanne he was like ‘pfftt what? You think I can’t take him?’ And she was like ‘No...He can’t take you’ oh...

Eliza told him like...The bare minimum. Francis’s girlfriend was killed behind a small party store and he was the one who discovered her body. That’s all he knew about it

But when he and Fran started to get serious relationship-wise Francis decided to sit him down to have a talk with him, pouring his heart out to him after a long, draining day at the courthouse:

// Uhhhh tw for the rest for death mention and description of finding Jeanne after her death. Like...blood and all so if that makes you uncomfortable: this is your warning :0 //

“We dated for five years. From eight grade to twelfth...It was like we were joined at the hip. We were always together wether it be baking in the kitchen, studying at the library, going to the movies or attending church camp. We did it all together. Hell...In highschool, we were voted ‘cutest couple’ every year. She was my date for every school dance and she would have been my prom date too if... If she had lived” Francis choked out a sad laugh “She had the most beautiful dress picked out and I had a suit to match. She was so excited about it...”

“That day was my nightmare. I relive that day over and over again in my dreams, thinking about everything I could have done to prevent that outcome. I should have taken her to the store earlier. I should have gone in with her. I shouldn’t have answered the phone and gotten distracted when my friend called. She was in there for forty minutes just to grab some streamers and a bag of candy for a piñata... When I went in to look for her she wasn’t there. I looked around, called her name, called her phone...no answer. The cashier helped me look too as I started getting worried. In the bathrooms, the stock room, the janitors closet, behind the refrigerators...All that was left was the rear exit. She didn’t go out there right? No...that was unlike her...” tears started to slowly make their way down his cheeks “When we pushed the door open, I remember seeing the pool of blood right there on the ground and thinking it was just a puddle. How wrong was I. My legs moved on their own, I rounded the corner and there she was. Her hair was covered in blood from the gash across her temple, her favorite floral blouse ripped and dirty. Her purse was gone. She was just laying there on the dirty, cold asphalt” Francis shook his head, rubbing his face as the memory replayed once more

“Out of the corner of our eyes, the cashier and I saw the perpetrator and he chased him down, catching him and sitting on him until the police arrived. I called them...I don’t even remember making the call but I distinctly remember them telling me not to touch her- not to mess with the ‘evidence’. I didn’t listen. I sat in the pool of blood and held her until the ambulance arrived, petting her hair as she slowly went cold in my arms...Praying that just maybe she’d make it. They were too late. I was too late.”

“What was it all for, you ask? That evil son of a bitch wanted her money. She only had $10 on her that day. He killed her over $10! And after all of my pain, her family’s suffering, that fucker got to walk free after two years? Two years! It isn’t fair at all. I don’t mean to ramble too much but before you and I become anything too serious I just- I need you to know about her. She made me who I am today, she’s the reason I practice law, she’s always here with me” he clutched his cross necklace in his shaky hand “Just because I still love her does not mean I love you any less, Arthur. I will always be here for you but at the same time, I will be there for her. I’ll still visit her grave and her parents...I’ll have her picture on the mantle...”

Arthur reached out to rest a hand on the blond’s arm. This was a new side of Francis he hadn’t seen before. Sure he knew about Jeanne by now, he had seen her picture in Francis’s apartment. He knew the other took the two hour trip up north to visit Jeanne’s grave and her family every other month. He knew she was important to him but he had never heard the full story like this before. He truly didn’t know the extent of the damage that day had done “I understand, dear. If Jeanne is important to you, she’s important to me. She’ll always have a place here with us” he assured, pulling Francis in to hug him against his chest to let him cry “I don’t think I can begin to express how badly I feel for you. But you can always confide in me, I’ll be here because I lo-like you a lot. I want you to be open with me. This...is a lot to bottle up” Francis nodded and wiped his eyes as Arthur brushed his curls out of his face “If it isn’t overstepping any boundaries, maybe I could come up north with you next time you go to visit her?”

“I...I think I’d like that. I’ve already told her and her family about you. I’m sure they’d love to meet you”

———

Well I hope that wasn’t bad! I haven’t written in a fic format in uhhh hehe a year or so so...yeah! Anyways! Yup! That’s all for now :) ❤️ thanks for reading this far if y’all did!!!!

((Looking back I hate the formatting of the ficlet thingy but tbh there’s not much I can do about it now :) ))

[thetypedwriter]

Wilder Girls Book Review by Rory Power

Wilder Girls Book Review by Rory Power

I didn’t know this until the end of the book, but apparently Wilder Girls is supposed to be a female version or retelling of Lord of the Flies. 

Now I’ve read the Lord of the Flies probably three times now and there was nothing other than the survival element on an island that makes me think the two novels are even related. 

Wilder Girls by Rory Power is about a group of girls stuck on an island after their boarding school, Raxter Academy, befalls a horrific evolution known as the Tox. 

After killing most of the adults on the island, the Tox continues to contaminate the girls, the wildlife, and the entirety of the environment on the island, making living creatures go feral, violent, and rotting-especially the girls. 

The book adopts an almost in medias res approach-or, known as in the middle of things -where we are not shown any of this happening. 

Instead it has been years since the Tox first took its toll, the survivors are diminishing day by day, the girls remaining are starving, infected by the Tox in some terribly grotesque way, and desperate for a cure. 

I genuinely think I would have liked this novel better if it had taken a Lord of the Flies approach and showed us from the beginning how the Tox descended, the madness and chaos it caused, and then the destructive aftermath that followed. 

But no, instead we are told all of this trauma and are expected to feel bad and sympathetic towards these angry characters whom we haven’t bonded with or seen experience any of these atrocities firsthand, but I’ll get more into that later. 

After taking way too long to introduce you to the island, the Tox disease, and how the girls operate on it, the plot slowly starts to trudge along when arguably the main character, Hetty, is chosen as a Boat Girl in lieu of her best friend and crush, Reese. 

The position of Boat Girl now awards Hetty the opportunity to leave the safety net of the school and its forbidden gates and travel with the other Boat Girls and one of the only adults on the island named Welch in order to receive supplies from the Navy that sends food periodically to the island. 

After her first trip however, Hetty learns that not all is what it seems on the island and that more than one person has secrets they’re keeping.

 Dark and deadly secrets. 

What unfolds is a bewildering tale of Hetty’s best friend Byatt being taken in by the Tox and stolen away, a rescue mission undertaken by Hetty and Reese in order to get her back, the unraveling of the island, snippets of Byatt’s POV as she’s being experimented on in order to find the cure, and a anticlimactic ending that left me bereft of any kind of satisfaction or contentment. 

This book was...trying too hard to be something that nobody asked for. 

A female retelling or re-imagining of Lord of the Flies is an interesting concept and I would be extremely curious to see the social and emotional differences it would have made having an entire female cast versus an entire male cast, but that is not what this book is. 

Other than being on an island and trying to survive, almost every element of the book is different. Lord of the Flies deals with concepts like the loss of innocence, nature versus civilization, and the inherent evil budding within each human being when driven to the extreme. 

You could argue that Wilder Girls has loss of innocence maybe, but the themes stop there. First off, there are adults in this novel and the girls cater to them accordingly. I never once forgot that Hetty, Byatt and Reese were teenagers. They read like teenagers. They act like teenagers. 

A third of the way through Lord of the Flies and you forget entirely that most of the characters are under aged 12 versus the sixteen and seventeen years old of Wilder Girls. 

The survival elements differ as well. In Lord of the Flies they have to learn to cooperate and survive on the island by hunting, gathering, and creating a social hierarchy. 

In Wilder Girls, the hierarchy is already in place with the headmistress of the school and they are given supplies (most of which is destroyed or dumped out by the way). 

I couldn’t actually believe that the book was telling me that these girls survive off a piece of jerky and the battery acid flavor of old soup and still living? And walking? And going to shooting practice?

The actual conditions these girls lived in was preposterous more than it was sad and I spent half the book with my head cocked trying to reason if people could even survive under such circumstances (I don’t think so, not for this long of a time). 

The comparisons just don’t cut it for me. 

To me, this book came across way too much as Rory Power trying to be symbolic, deep, and riveting and instead I was confused, bored, and unsympathetic. 

I cried at the end of Lord of the Flies. 

At the end of Wilder Girls, I flipped the page and was astounded to find that the book had ended. It didn’t even read like an ending. I thought it was just another chapter. 

It was so abortive and feckless that I genuinely thought pages were missing only to discover the acknowledgments part of the book came next, followed by a deleted chapter I didn’t give a crap about, and then discussion questions. 

Now, I don’t know who actually decides if a book gets discussion questions, it could be the publisher, the editor, the author, I have no idea. But I found the idea of giving this book discussion questions before it earned its merit was so pretentious it made me dislike it even more. 

This whole book just missed the mark for me. 

Power does have some good writing, but she tries too hard in my very subjective opinion. A lot of the writing was wordy and theatrical and I would get bored with all the waxing and waning of the characters and descriptions. 

The experimental writing bits with Byatt were downright miserable for me. I ended up skimming most of them. They were half-worded, half-formed, barely coherent thoughts and phrases and I understand that that was the point, but instead of intriguing or symbolic I found it irritating and a waste of time. 

I know I’ve been incredibly harsh on this book review and I’m sure there are many of you that would disagree with me seeing as this book was a New York Times Bestseller, but there was nothing in this book that landed for me personally. 

The characters were...semi-interesting but I felt like they didn’t get the development or proper exploration I needed to actually like them because the setting and the situations were so dire and ridiculous that it constantly robbed them of any kind of empathetic or human moment. 

I do really enjoy the idea of having an almost entire female centric novel but there are other books out there that accomplish that and a female/female romance much better in my opinion (Girls of Paper and Fire for instance). 

In the end, it’s safe to say that I didn’t enjoy this novel very much. I would have liked to see these characters before the Tox, to see their downfall, their pandemonium, their change and growth and regression as characters due to their world ending as they knew it. 

Then, when the Tox does come and the world goes upside down, the feelings and relationships of the characters would have much more meaning than being told what had happened and expected to care like I was and couldn’t bring myself to, even at the end. 

Recommendation: Read Lord of the Flies instead. 

Score: 4/10

[amplesalty]

Halloween 2021 - Day 5 - The Invisible Ray (1936)

Doesn’t that just sound like a bad magician? “Ladies and gentlemen, introducing...The Invisible Ray!”

Ah, this takes me back. Back in year 0 of this horror marathon business, before this blog was a thing, it was kinda heavily skewed towards the ‘classic’ period; Dracula, Frankenstein, The Mummy..all that Universal 1930’s type stuff. Amongst that first run were a pair of films starring both KARLOFF and Bela Lugosi;  The Black Cat and The Raven. I remember them both being quite good, both having this sort of rivalry between their two characters. The Black Cat moreso with a young couple caught in the middle of a heated feud between KARLOFF and Lugosi’s characters. Whereas The Raven has KARLOFF as more of a de-facto good guy as he plays a reluctant henchman to Lugosi’s character. Not that that level of power translated off screen, with Lugosi’s star beginning to fade but I remember reading something about KARLOFF insisting on some parity in pay between the two in one of their movies when the studio tried to lowball Lugosi so good on you, KARLOFF.

Neither have much to do with the Edgar Allan Poe stories they take their names from, outside of Lugosi’s character in The Raven having an obsession with Poe and adapting various means of torture from Poe stories. There have been plenty of Poe adaptations throughout the years but the other big uptick in them was in the 1960’s with a series of films directed by Roger Corman, often starring Vincent Price but with other big names sprinkled in like KARLOFF, Peter Lorre and Lon Chaney Jr. Plus a relatively early Jack Nicholson appearance in The Raven, which was shot at the same time as The Terror. That bloody bird!

So, yeah, it’s good to see one of these KARLOFF/Lugosi films again. Apparently there are eight films that featured both of them so I’ll be halfway there now on them. This also has Carl Laemmle Jr’s name attached, albeit in a minor way as he’s listed as ‘presenting’ the movie. I’m not sure if that ever means anything. It’s like when Tarantino ‘presents’ something, did he have any actual input on the film or was he just shining a light on something he personally liked because he has so much power and influence?

The movie’s foreword is an early indicator of the more science-fiction leaning nature of the movie which catches you off guard a little with the people involved and the timeframe we’re working in. Feels like the 50’s was more when the whole sci-fi thing took off. Also, since when was science a verb?

Certainly has the feel of that classic ‘old, dark house’ horror thing early on as we start with the Rukh household awaiting the arrival of some of Dr Janos Rukh’s (KARLOFF) peers who are to bear witness to his new discovery.

KARLOFF has clearly been eating his crusts to get curls like that, normally he’s a slicked back kind of guy. And it’s kinda weird seeing both of them with facial hair. Oddly though this is one of the rare times that Lugosi plays a good guy, this is a clear violation of the parallel universe protocol:

Normal universe – clean shaven – good guy Parallel universe – goatee – evil

This early version of Dr. Doom is a bit naff. Are you making a great scientific discovery here or doing a spot of welding?

Apparently Dr Rukh’s invention is a telescope that is able to see into the deepest reaches of space, but can also pick up on vibrations left by the events that have taken place and he can then project that as a moving image that shows an asteroid crashing to Earth millions of years ago that can help him pinpoint the crash site and allow him to discover new elements inside the asteroid...wait, what?! Is this like that time on CSI when they solved a murder by getting sound out of something someone made in pottery class because the grooves could be played like a vinyl?

We then pivot sharply into the great plains of Africa where our team have set off in search of what will become known as ‘Radium X’. Oh yes, I think that’s on the periodic table next to Hardtoobtainium. And I’m specifically trying to avoid animal cruelty by not watching Cannibal Holocaust, don’t come around here with your dead leopards and talk of how many rhinos you’ve shot. I must say I’m a little wary of this sudden introduction of all these natives carrying spears and wearing bone necklaces, I just don’t feel like I can trust a movie made in the 1930’s to be sensitive on it’s portrayal of other cultures.

Thought it does present us with the best actor in this picture, look at those bug eyes! He’s like Africa’s answer to Marty Feldman.

And that’s just his reaction to a piece of scanning equipment going off, him and his mates are definitely going to be worried when this white devil makes a demonstration of his new found Radium X and it’s ability to melt pure stone. Looks like a portajohn backing up...

He then promptly turns his cosmic ray gun on all the locals when they tell him they want to go home. Sure, you can leave, you’re not going to get very far though. Dude, there’s like 12 of you and he’s given some of you rifles. Just jump him when he’s asleep.

Dr. Rukh finds that evening that he’s suddenly turned an interesting shade of neon yellow and can be seen by anyone in a three mile radius so either this Radium X is highly poisonous or Rukh has been running in opposition to Vladimir Putin. This poisoning leaves him so irradiated that merely touching another living thing is enough to kill it. Dr. Benet (Lugosi) is able to make a serum for him but can never truly cure him, he must regularly take this serum or otherwise he will revert to this killing machine type state.

But, in his eagerness to not spread this poison to his wife, and his general upholding of the man code to never air ones medical problems, he generally acts a bit surly and tells her to piss off which see views as him not loving her anymore so he promptly shacks up with the young explorer type who came with them to Africa. Worse yet, Benet and crew have taken a sample of Radium X to show at a scientific conference in Paris. Between losing his missus and thinking that other people are taking all the credit for his work, Rukh is just slightly annoyed.

It’s not all bad though, he is able to use this new element to cure his mother’s blindness. I like how his first reaction upon learning that Radium X has irrecoverably changed his life, leaving him one missed injection away from imminent death, is to shoot it directly into his mother’s face.

“Patients won’t like being shot in the face.” “They’ll like what I tell them to like.”

Whilst sulking outside of the church that his ex is getting re-married in, he spots a series of statues of saintly figures and imagines them representing each of the 6 people on the African expedition, vowing to destroy each of them until only he is left. Marvelous invention this Radium X, it can melt statues and cure blindness. Do you have to put special filters on that ray gun of yours depending on the situation? That’s a malpractice suit waiting to happen if you mix those up.

Dr. Benet is a little suspicious when one of their party dies suddenly for no explainable reason so takes a few ultraviolet photos of the victims eyes in order to study. And wouldn’t you know what he finds?

Bullshit! Nevermind the ultraviolet camera, this is more like the dues ex machine camera. I know this is science fiction and all but what is this, 1936 or 2036? Or maybe they’re just able to make the most detailed contact lenses known to man.

Eventually, when Rukh finds himself unable bring himself to kill his former love, he is confronted by his mother who smashes the serum and condemns him to death as, going unchecked, the Radium X within him will destroy his body. Sensing the end coming, Dr. Rukh dives out of the nearest window and promptly erupts bursts into flames, now left as little but a pile of ash on a damp Paris street. It’s a shame really, dozens of people spontaneously combust every year, it’s just not widely reported.”

This one was okay, definitely a different vibe compared to other Universal stuff at the time with all the science fiction and Africa based stuff but it does still travel down that ‘descent into madness’ thing that they often fall back on and it’s always fun to see KARLOFF and Lugosi, especially when they’re together. But, if we’re strictly talking about the KARLOFF/Lugosi pairing, I’m definitely leaning towards one of their other outings like Black Cat, Raven or Son of Frankenstein. There’s just something not right about Lugosi playing some normal, if he’s not being unhinged then you’re not really getting what you came here for.

[paintalyx]

hey can you maybe recommend some of your favourite fics please!!

aaaah, i'm a little behind on asks because of college but i saw this and i couldn't help but scramble to respond as soon as i found the time!!!! i'm super flattered that you're asking me for fic recommendations, but you didn't specify any fandoms or genres so i can't guarantee that any of these will be your cup of tea (feel free to shoot me another ask if you'd like to elaborate though!!!!). i'll try to be as diverse as an unapologetic angstlord can be, so here we go:

(note: while i did my best to add cws, it's still possible that something slipped past me, so please be mindful. as a rule of thumb, i'm not going to add warnings for stuff that's already depicted in canon material)

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campfire in your chest (haikyuu!!, canonverse, tsukkiyama-main & kagehina-side)

Kei realizes in their second year of high school that he's probably been in love with Yamaguchi since they were ten. However hopeless he might be in handling that situation, Kei prays he's at least not as hopeless as Hinata and Kageyama. But he just might be.

four tags for you: pining, slow-burn, friends to lovers and unresolved sexual tension. this one's a classic, an old favourite of mine. i remember reading it on lunch breaks in high school while daydreaming about my crush and getting frustrated with tsukishima because "dammit, at least one of us needs to get it together and that won't be me anytime soon". also, once your done with reading this, please do yourself a favour and spare some time to check out the companion piece to this fic, "stay, stay, stay", which can be summed up simply as "meanwhile, kagehina".

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a soft place to fall (jojo's bizarre adventure: vento aureo, canon divergence, narancia/trish); cw: major character death

“This is my wound, too,” Narancia softly says, eyes shadowed by so many dark lashes. He presses down over her pulse, and Trish’s heart jumps to meet it. “And this is my heartbeat. I can be brave because you’re brave.”

In the ten days between Corsica and Sardinia, Trish learns about her new power, reflects on the past, and finds her reasons.

this deserves so much attention!! i love the writing style, the character interactions— everything just feels special and different! it's been a hot minute since i watched part 5, but i have distinct and fond memories of reading this fic. it really did trish's character justice and, as a sweet bonus, it successfully got me hooked on this adorable pairing.

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count the days until they blur, then keep on counting (mob psycho 100, canon divergence, gen); cw: torture, child abuse, imprisonment, starving

What Teruki wanted was power, right? What he wanted was to hurt people? Even if he didn't, he's got it now.

okay, this *may* seem bad, but it's hands down one of my all time favourite reads, not just as a fanfic. it has a happy end (worry not!), reigen being a reluctant disaster dad and teru— god, i love the way he thinks, feels, *copes* and changes as a person over the course of this fic. it shows all sides of him, the good, the bad and the ugly. he tries, he struggles, he relapses and recovers. some works just stick with you forever, and i'd be lying if i said that this one didn't change my life. like, i thought that it was the bee's knees the first time i read it and i was so mad that it had to end that i talked my friend's ear off about how unfair it was (though upon re-reading, when i was older and capable of understanding things a little better, i decided that the ending was perfect as it was). it's definitely not a work that i would recommend to someone sensitive, but i think i've established myself as someone who enjoys meaningful angst.

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storm shelter (genshin impact, canon compliant, gen); cw: animal death

Three different times, over the years, Diluc and Kaeya are trapped together in the snow.

i'm a sucker for unconventional sibling dynamics and messy, conflicted feelings and this fic *provides*. it's clear that diluc and kaeya care for each other deeply, but they're both stubborn dumbasses about it (mihoyo, let these two talk again, i'm begging you). though the scenario in each snippet is somewhat similar, pov shifts to kept things fresh and prevented the story from becoming repetitive.

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being a wingman is a full time job (genshin impact, canon compliant, chiluc)

“What are you doing in Mondstadt?”

“You didn’t show up this week!” Childe says. “Aether brought Hu Tao instead. She really handed it to me, but it just wasn’t the same.”

“You…” Diluc stops. “You came all the way to Mondstadt just because I didn’t show up?”

Oh?

-

Kaeya discovers Diluc has a crush and, despite not being on the best of terms with his estranged brother, takes it upon himself to be the ultimate wingman.

this isn't among my favourite pairings for either party, but rumour says that if you say "oh, chiluc is just a crackship" enough times, you'll start shipping it for real so here we are. boy, where do i start?? a lighthearted, humorous fic every once in a while is good for the soul, basically a requirement. obvious idiot/oblivious idiot is a trope that i don't think i'll ever get tired of, but making the entire story be told from wingman's pov adds some extra spice to it.

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a cheap imitation (durarara, canonverse, shizaya); cw: graphic depictions of violence and gore

“Attached to your neck is a collar that will inject a poison into your jugular vein two days from now. Forcibly removing the device will also trigger the poison. Somewhere on this island is the antidote.”

His hands reached up to his neck and he felt the cool metal of the collar.

“Live or die. Make your choice.”

god. these two are so disgusting and problematic, i love them. this fic pulls no stops. the author really looked at these two dumbasses and said "yeah, the only way they'd ever get along realistically is in a life or death situatio— wait," and we gotta appreciate that. well-thought-out survival stories are a very specific niche that i've always enjoyed, so adding familiar characters into the mix can only get me more intrigued. author also snatches all my uwus for appealing to my inner neat-freak and consistently finding different ways to give the boys hygienic products. if you want drama, tension and survival with some humour sprinkled in for the ~flavour~, this is a perfect read!

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i admit i got a little carried away, but honestly??? who wouldn't when talking about something as wonderful as taking something that someone has poured their heart and soul into adding onto it out of love and passion??? i'm totally setting myself up for psychoanalysis with these recs, but tastes are subjective. i hope you'll find something of interest!! ^^

[loadet851]

Pc Games With Character Creation Offline

Games With Character Customization Pc

Steam Games With Character Creation

One of the things I love most in a RPG (Role-Playing Game) is the possibility of creating my own character with tons of different options and add-ons. I made a research yesterday and found some interesting PC Games I already knew about, adding them to the titles I have or plan to get with the best Character Customization. I’m going to list them here for you guys also attaching a few videos so that you can see directly how they work and what kind of possibilities they offer.

It’s the main reason I enjoy games like Skyrim and Fallout. But there seem to be so few good (single player) games with decent character creation - and not just picking from a few presets. The character creation in Dragon Age: inquisition was amazing (although I struggled to enjoy the game) as well as Saints Row (which I really enjoyed). Addicting Offline Co-op Games For PC You’ll Want To Play. Dennis Patrick / Features / Best Co-op PC Games, Co-op, Cooperative. Sonic the Hedgehog is a staple video game character. Best MMORPG with Character Creation. Final Fantasy 14 has one of the most complex and sophisticated character editors. In this game, you can change the smallest details using different sliders, pick a unique voice, or add unique tattoos, accessories and facial paint. What Are Best RPGs With Character Creation? Role-playing games let us live out some of our greatest fantasies like slaying dragons, saving the world and owning a house. Whether your main character is dead, alive, or somewhere in between, these games will let you adjust your appearance and abilities to however you see fit. I've always loved games that give you the option to create your character before you start in the world. I enjoy the game even more when it has role playing or social aspects added to it, allowing you interact with NPCs, or other players if the game has a multiplayer feature. Just character creation would interest me enough to check any game out.

Follow me under the cut if you’re curious!

I’ve been introduced to this type of creation with a game I still keep in my heart and consider one of the best of all times; The Sims 2. Seriously, I’ve created so many 3D characters that if I could win an award I’d have 200 on my shelf by now.

With that said, here you are my personal list of PC games with their awesome customization in no particular order:

I tried this game myself (the free beta that is) a few times in the past and I swear the CC included in it is currently one of my favorite. Without the complete pack I probably didn’t have a lot of additional options available in terms of clothes, makeup and hair, but what truly mesmerized me at the time was the shaping tool, not yet common in games when they released EVE. You can grab and drag different parts of the head and body, modeling unique characters every time.

2. Black Desert Online

This game has been released recently with two different packages and it seems to be quite a popular MMORPG (Massive(ly) Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game) in Russia and Korea. I’m not surprised considering the quality this game seems to have and its customization is clearly no less. Just like EVE Online, Black Desert offers a good sculpt instrument to shape faces and bodies as much as you like, plus a beautiful variety of colors and combinations.

UPDATE: The game is also available on Steam!

This patch lets you play Legend of Zelda Spirit Tracks with mostly non-touch based controls. The new control bindings are Control Bindings: D-Pad=Run Y+Dpad=Walk B=Wide slash B+Dpad=Long slash Y+B=Spin Attack A=Interact A+Dpad=Roll. Legend of Zelda Spirit Tracks D-Pad Patch This patch implements non-touchscreen controls for essential actions in Legend of Zelda Spirit Tracks. Legend of zelda spirit tracks xenophobia patched rom.

3. Blade&Soul

This is another Asian MMORPG with the classical ‘Anime’ style, you cannot freely reshape the character’s structure, only pick one of the available presets and play around with the sliders to modify the whole body. Andy mckinney molly hatchet. Still, I honestly like the bright colors, the races/classes and the fact that you can actually recreate other existing characters using additional content (just like this guy did with Cloud from Final Fantasy VII).

4. BLESS Online

Yes, another Asian online title. Hey, it’s not my fault if they look so pretty! Bless is quite recent and not yet released in its final stage, but judging by how the CC works you have as much freedom as in EVE or Black Desert and the same unmistakable Fantasy touch.

5. The Sims 4

Didn’t I mention The Sims 2? Well, looks like the latest title in the series has improved quite a lot in this area. The shaping/sculpting method is here as well, considering that we finally have more possibilities I certainly won’t complain!

Note: In this video I can see the woman has a few mods installed. If you decide to get this game (or even the previous chapters) I definitely suggest you to do the same if you don’t like the default character design.

6. Fallout 4

Another recent (and quite famous) game. Apparently you can only work on the face here, but once again we see the sculpt tool in action. Even if the hair options are a bit limited you can still customize your character and create unique features playing around with your cursor.

7. Dragon Age: Inquisition

Who knows me is well aware of the fact that I am completely OBSESSED with this game, thus I couldn’t really leave it out. The hair options are definitely questionable and just like in Fallout 4 you do not have any body morph nor slider to alter, but as you can see from this video example you are still able to personalize your Inquisitor in a good way, also using real people or other characters as reference. To be honest I like some of the default presets too, if you don’t like spending two hours working on a face (I do that all the time, but I am a basket case so please ignore my madness :P), you can pick those and get a good result nonetheless.

And don’t forget about mods! 😉

8. Skyrim (The Elder Scrolls V)

This one has been around for a very long time and it remains probably the top 1 Fantasy game out there. If you’re not into mods at all and want to keep your game vanilla be sure that the overall quality is not as improved as the current generation, you can see that from the low-res hair and general textures. The reason why I’m including this CC in the list anyway is because even if old, Skyrim looks quite good compared to other games where you only get 3/4 slider options.

9. APB Reloaded

The last game I’d like to mention (and I literally just discovered it) is this not so new title which has a kick-ass Character Creator. Not only it shows some quality graphics there, but the level of customization is unbelievable! You can make hair shorter, beards longer, create beautiful tattoos (and place or rotate them wherever you want!), add patterns to clothes and even get your personal car! 😀

Chose one serial + PILIH Salah satu WORKING 99% per 13 Januari 2013 1330-1971-4830-1762 1330-1912-2628-0850-0232-4869 1330-1148-0472-2735-6555-0617 1330-1544-4195-8131-3034-5634 1330-1886-0283-4688-9152-2034 1330-1118-3174-6558-8260-5378 OR 1330-1971-4830-5668-6067-1762 1330-1912-2628-0850-0 232-4869 1330-1148-0472-2735-6555-0617 1330-1544-4195-8131. The serial number for Adobe is available. This release was created for you, eager to use Adobe Cs6 master collection full and without limitations. Our intentions are not to harm Adobe software company but to give the possibility to those who can not pay for any piece of software out there. Adobe cs6 master collection activation key wondershare.

There are of course many other games with a Character Creator, but they all seem pretty similar or not good enough to be mentioned in my list.

What do you think about these? Let me know with a comment if you like!

Those late-night multiplayer sessions can be really fun sometimes. Surely, everything is better with friends, they say and you’ll agree with that at some point. However, after a long day of work and studying, I like to relax with offline games. Sometimes, it’s satisfying to let yourself indulge in a great single-player story and forget about any problems bothering you. So, if you are like me, then welcome to the club! Below is my list of 20 best offline games for PC and I hope you’ll enjoy them.

1. The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt

W2k16 pc download. Well, you’ve guessed it! The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt takes first place on the list with its epic setting, characters, gameplay, and those breathtaking visuals! It’s a compelling game that will offer you more than a hundred hours of non-filler gameplay, and there’s always something to explore. The game looks amazing, and the combat system is great. This open-world title is everything you need on your free days! Combine that with the great RPG elements and fun dialogues with NPCs, and you got yourself a pretty good offline game! Go and play it now, it’s a must-play.

2. Wolfenstein 2: The New Colossus

Wolfenstein series has been once again revived with Wolfenstein 2: The New Colossus. The positive reviews flashed all around the globe, and this game quickly became one of the best shooting games of 2017. B.J Blazkowicz is such a badass protagonist and the characters surrounding the game are interesting. You’ll quickly start to care about each and every one of them, making this game a worthy offline title. Bethesda said that they won’t be focusing on multiplayer, so they can bring an immersive single-player experience. Well, you nailed it, Bethesda; great job!

3. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Bethesda is one of my favorite companies when it comes to gaming, at least they were a few years back. A few years back, this masterpiece called The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim was released and it took the Earth by storm! This offline open-world title offers hundreds of hours of exploration and you’ll probably never get bored of it! The combat system might be dated, but it’s damn fun to play and explore every corner of the game. After six years since its release, I’m still eager to give Skyrim another go. It’s that great!

4. Fallout 4

Games With Character Customization Pc

Fallout 4 is one of those top offline games that you either like or dislike. It’s a great single-player experience, as you explore a huge world of fictional city Commonwealth. I mean, the story here is scattered here and there, and our protagonist is in search of his abducted son. However, the game often steers away from that and let you have some freedom and exploration. It’s a fantastic reboot of the series, and it’s surely the best game in the franchise. If you are up for that Stalker-ish feeling, then give this a try!

5. Hitman (2016)

Hitman isn’t a strictly offline game, but I included it because it has a great single-player campaign. While the previous entry in the series Hitman: Absolution relied more on linear, claustrophobic, and confined experience, Hitman (2016) went in a different direction. Here, you’ll experience a vast, open-world with lots of stuff to do. The levels are not that numerous, but they are as big as hell! You can complete your missions in various ways and earn certain rewards and points for doing so. Hitman is a challenging stealth experience, but once Agent 47crawls under your skin, there’s no going back!

Steam Games With Character Creation

6. Nioh

Nioh is a less-known offline game released this year, and I feel like this game is very underrated. It’s a child of Dark Souls and Bloodborne series, which can tell you much about this game. It has a single, crushing, and unforgiving difficulty that will leave you begging for mercy. It’s hard, and you’ll need some blazing fast reflexes and huge gaming skills to finish it. There are more than twenty bosses in the game, and every single boss will kick your ass! Don’t expect to finish this game in a few days; you’ll need weeks to finish it and it will be painfully slow as the bosses shame you every little time… you helpless gamer!

7. Nier: Automata

Another underrated game – Nier: Automata. How could the gaming community overlook this game? Are you blind, or what? This game offers thirty hours of a pure, refined, and amazing experience! It’s a hack-and-slash title that mergers several genres with it. The open world in this game is huge, and the post-apocalyptic environment looks depressing and feels like a void. Nier also introduces RPG elements so you can now level yourself up, upgrade weapons, buy stuff, etc. On top of that, there are some 2D sections that feel like a great platformer, and that’ very unique! Nier: Automata is better than most AAA titles and costs double the less of that price, which is one more reason to get it.

8. Dark Souls 3

Dark Souls series got a fantastic reboot with Dark Souls 3. Just if it wasn’t enough for the previous games in the series, and now we got this punishing game. What can I say? Prepare to die a LOT in this game, as it’s created to kill you. I’m not joking, the whole game is against you, and you can’t do anything about that except fight like a lunatic. Even when you die, the enemies around you respawn and you must fight again and again, which is really frustrating. However, if you have the balls to play it, and manage to finish it, then you deserve a medal, Sir!

9. Bioshock Infinite

Bioshock Infinite is the newest installment in the Bioshock series. This cheap game can give you a huge value for your buck, especially when the Holidays come. I mean, for just a couple of bucks, you can get a fantastic FPS game, which campaign isn’t short and definitely isn’t boring! Bioshock Infinite continues its tradition with great shooting mechanics, various powerups, and that fast-paced shooting in a beautiful environment of the game. Get ready to cause mayhem!

10. Alien: Isolation

Alien: Isolation is that PC offline game that will haunt your dreams every time you try to sleep. It’s a horror game in which you try to stay in one piece and escape that damn space station called Sevastopol. Sounds similar? Well, that’s because the game is based on Alien (1979) movie, which was a very disturbing experience at the time. It’s an intense game that makes your palms sweat and your heart beating so fast that you’ll think it’s gonna come out of your chest! Try this horror if you dare, and watch yourself getting swallowed by the Alien, in a single bite!

11. Far Cry Primal

Elephants are cool, but mammoths are so badass! In Far Cry Primal, you can hunt mammoths and even ride them when you get to higher levels! How cool are you from zero to riding a mammoth? This beautiful-looking game is set 10,000 years BC and no, you aren’t going to shoot guns, but bash the hell out of your enemies. The arsenal of weapons might not be that huge, but the combat is great and requires more thinking, as the enemies are sometimes overwhelming and can easily kill you. If you have the luck to tame a sabertooth tiger, you may survive in this harsh world!

12. Resident Evil 7: Biohazard

There is something special about that claustrophobic feeling, especially when it comes to horror games that you can play without internet. That sense of dread and despair when you don’t have much space to move is priceless. Don’t think of me as a psycho, but I LOVE the horror genre! RE7: Biohazard is a game that caught my attention as soon as it was released. This bad boy will provide you with a horrific experience that will leave you scared to death! As the game plays from the first-person perspective, it’s much easier to get yourself immersed, but also scared.

13. Outlast 2

Outlast 2 is yet another offline horror experience, where the developers decided to leave your powerless. There aren’t weapons for you to use, and surely no means to defend yourself. So, what are you left with? Well, a camera and a journal should do the trick! The game does a damn fine job of melding the horror and the dread with stealth and great storytelling. In the end, you may feel a little let down by the ending, but I know you’ll enjoy it until the very end.

14. Dead Space 3

Cat et 2015a factory password generator. While the past games in the series focused more on that horror experience, Dead Space 3 is more of an action-horror game. Sure, there are Necromorphs and they are vicious and all, but the action part is more prominent. Needless to say that Dead Space 3 is an amazing game and I’m very sad that Visceral Games is closed by EA in October. This survival horror game is hugely underrated, but it’s awesome and I recommend you to play it. It’s just a couple of bucks for this experience, don’t be a niggard!

15. Portal 2

There’s something awesome when it comes to Source Engine. The games made with this engine looks amazing, yet they run smoothly. How did Valve manage to do that? Well, as I am not a game developer, don’t ask me! But ask me about Portal 2, which is Valve’s magnum opus, and a compelling puzzle game. The whole point of the game is to use a Portal gun in order to create portals and pass through them. However, the game isn’t that simple and requires some brain skill to finish it. Grab your Portal Gun, and let’s go on a venture!

16. Limbo

This 2D game is straight-up terrifying, dark, and misanthropic from the start to finish! In Limbo, you are a little boy that needs to survive this colorless world of the game as he overcomes various obstacles and escape scary monsters. I like the game’s artwork and the atmosphere is simply top-notch here if you like the dark ambient in the games. It’s a must-play for every offline Indie games lover!

17. S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Call of Pripyat

Speaking of the atmosphere, very few great offline games can replicate the atmosphere as it is in S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Call of Pripyat. That post-apocalyptic atmosphere of Pripyat looks great, and the game isn’t colorful, which is the whole point. Everything has that grey-ish tint, as this town suffered greatly when the Nuclear Powerplant in that area exploded. It’s based on a real-life event that occurred around 1989, which gives the game a certain weight and meaning.

18. Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain

With MGSV: The Phantom Pain, Hideo Kojima proved that he still has what it takes to create such immersive PC games without internet. This stealth game is challenging and full of stuff to do, due to its open-world nature. The characters are badass and the game feels somewhat dark, with a very serious tone. Oh, and not to forget that plot twist at the end that’s worth those thirty hours I’ve spent on this game!

19. SOMA

Horror fans will be pleased that I mentioned another horror title here. SOMA is an absolutely spooky and nerve-wracking experience! It creates that atmosphere that’s very unique, and with the story being told in the shape of various documents scattered through the game, it’s even more badass! You are all alone here and you’ll fight for your life, only to find out that you aren’t actually alive! A truly wonderful offline game for Windows.

20. Superhot

Superhot is a cartoonish-looking offline game that revolves around time. To make it simple, the time in the game moves when you move, so if you are standing still, nothing will happen. Vice Versa, if you are moving and shooting, then the enemies will do the same. It’s a lot of fun, but a lot of challenges too. I played it with some of my favorite death metal albums, just to ensure that I’m hardcore enough to beat it!

As we are approaching near the end of our journey through the offline PC games, I’m here to ask you a question. What is your favorite offline game for PC? I tried my best to count some of my favorite offline games, and although I’m maybe going to start a war for not including some of the games, I stand behind my words. Oh, and why don’t you tell me what game did I miss? Do you have any favorites besides these 20 games? Please, let me know, and don’t forget to do some gaming today!

[alexlabhont]

I didn’t mean to fall in love with you

Chapter Six

Book: Queen B - Choices (Universe)

Pairing:  Poppy Min-Sinclair x Trans!Male MC (Beck Hughes)

Genre: Canon re-write (Because I can)

Rating: Ehm... 13 years < , I mean, is not that hard, but just to be sure.

Warnings: This chapter contains transphobia and the writer’s own version of dysphoria. This doesn't mean every trans person feels the same, but it is a possibility I wanted to share. Thank you.

This is me trying to write by and for the Trans community, specially FTM community, meaning, trans guys, but I actually took the liberty to use They/them pronouns for everyone out there who´s interested (Also, the name Beck was the most neutral one I could find, trying to use the cannon Bea Hughes)

CHAPTERS 

The beginning

Chapter one 

Chapter two

Chapter three

Chapter four

Chapter five

ONE-SHOTS 

Just a dance (Zoey x MC)

—————————————————————— 

Beck arrived home around two in the morning or so. They walked all the way to Belvoire, not caring about the cold, the dangers of the night, the strange people treating to appear… it didn’t matter, because they didn’t even notice it.

Poppy didn’t try to reach out either, she didn’t even go after them and Beck was thankful for it. Maybe they owe her an explanation, but right now, the only thing Beck wanted was to be left alone. The feelings inside their heart and brain were so many and with so different meanings that it felt like a whole honeycomb full of buzzing, noisy and altered bees without any rest.

They wanted Poppy...

But they didn’t deserve her…

But why…?

They were a human; they could be with her…

But sometimes, being human was not enough…

What kind of human was Beck...?

Beck was different from anyone.

They don't really belong.

They never did.

Therefore, they couldn’t have anything that was for people that did belong.

Otherwise, they'd be cheating the others…

So they didn’t deserve it.

And that’s the path they chose. A double-edged weapon. Being what they were it was complicated. The worse part isn’t being treated differently by people and, sure, that is awful sometimes. The worse part is the confusing shit one would tell to themselves sometimes.

There would be days when one is happy, completely sure, confident, ready to take upon the world. One felt invincible, one felt good-looking, one felt that every little thing and time invested into being happy was worth it, was the cure, was the thing they absolutely needed it.

Because it is.

But sometimes, one realized it came with a price. With mental confusion, with hollowness inside just because of something so banal to others that’s so precious to one. Sometimes, the dysphoria would knock at one's door to remind one that one is a Mr. Roboto. A Mr. Roboto who doesn’t deserve human things.

Beck didn’t even process when they arrived home, nor when they lay down on the couch, the gaze completely lost into the ceiling. Were they even blinking?

“Beck?... Is that you?” They heard Zoey coming towards them. But they didn’t care. At least not right now. They needed a time off.

But of course, Zoey didn’t read minds, so she kept walking, pajamas on, her curly hair falling effortlessly over her shoulders, a worry look impressed in the chocolate of her eyes.

“What are you doing here?” No response. Their mind was already back at the Club, feeling Poppy's lips moving perfectly along theirs. “Beck?... Are you alright?”

“No. I really want her, Zo… I want Poppy so badly…”

“Just tired.” They lied. How can one explain something like this to a human like her? Inside them all was clear, but it was a completely different world to her. Of course, Zoey didn’t buy it for a second. But she knew them, and she wouldn’t push it.

“Come to bed?” she asked, holding a blanket over her shoulders. Beck saw it, and it was just until that moment, a part of their brain felt connected to reality. Outside was freezing, and Beck’s body was cold, trembling for who knows how long.

“Y-yeah… I’m coming.” They managed to stand up, following Zoey through the living room, reaching shortly the door of their own bedroom.

“Beck?”

“Yes?”

“You do know you can tell me anything, right?” Beck stood still a while, asking for more information, an explanation. Why was she asking that? “I know something happened there, and I won’t ask you to tell me. I just wanted to let you know I have your back. Always”

And there it was. The reason why Zoey was the only person Beck trusted. But right at that moment, they couldn’t tell her exactly what was going on inside their heart. She almost begged them not to go to the club with Poppy, she believed that the strawberry blonde was onto something bad, and they couldn’t blame her. After all, Beck would thought exactly the same if it where any other person but them.

“I know, Zo… Thank you.” They said before walking into their room to throw themselves on their bed. Beck just wanted to sleep, to end that day. But it was impossible.

Her lips, her taste… her smell… her touch… everything. Poppy was completely inside their mind now, because that kiss felt heavenly good. It was like a real connection, like if Poppy really wanted them. But Beck was afraid.

Someone as beautiful as Poppy could have anyone she wanted, why would she be interested in them?

Why would she actually stayed with Beck?

Maybe it was just the moment, the song, the mood. Maybe it was just a one-time thing, a meaningless kiss she suddenly wanted to have. But even if it wasn’t, surely she soon would see that being with Beck was actually different from what she was expecting. Poppy would most likely get bored and leave them as soon as possible.

Maybe people back at Farmsville were right, maybe no real girl would ever be satisfied with them…

“Shut the fuck up, Beck.” They murmured to themselves. “You’re just being paranoid…”

Yes, that was true.

But, in order to avoid the pain, they needed to draw the line.

The far they stayed from Poppy Min-Sinclair, the better

~~X~~

“Thanks for walking me class, babe.” Zoey said with a friendly smile, stopping aside from her classroom door. “Are you sure you don’t want to join me? You love this class.”

“Completely.” They responded. “I have to finish my project for Professor Myra and I haven’t even started it yet because someone won’t let me a second to rest.” Zoey laughed playfully before pretending to be insulted.

“Oh, so now is my fault?” she asked, and Beck couldn’t help but give her a grin.

The last couple of days, Zoey and Beck had been doing basically everything together, even more than before. Zoey was continuously insisting them to join her in her classes when Beck had free time but not Zoey, to have lunch outside campus, she even managed to get tickets in first line to one of the first TBD concerts in New York, which was basically huge because Beck was a wholeheartedly fan of theirs, they even had a little crush on Kaitlyn Liao for a while.

Even The T had started to question the true nature of the relationship, which was something understandable, but neither of them was really paying attention to it. After all, why should they give any explanation to anyone?

“Yes! It’s basically your fault, Zoey Wade.” Beck laughed, they weren’t mad at all. Zoey was a very responsible girl putting the school first. Professor Myra's project it was basically an essay about the meaning of music according to Sulzer theory. Easy-peasy. That’s why it was the last one left.

“But… you can’t say you didn’t enjoy it.” She winked at them, flirty as always.

“Go to class, honey” The smile on their faces was huge, happy, trusting. Beck was feeling so lucky to have Zoey next to them. She was the best friend and artist they could’ve asked for.

“See ya later, then.”

“See ya.”

The corridors of Belvoir were huge, elegant, eccentrically decorated. While walking through them, Beck started wondering what was the original purpose of the building. It was always meant to be a school or somebody bought the property to actually live there? Beck looked around a little more, trying to find a detail who could give them a clue, but instead, the thing that caught up their interest, was a little, purple ad.

“Rock’s style band is searching for a lead singer…”

Beck stopped a little, rather curious. Reading the ad, Beck discovered a lot of basic information: they played alternative, rock pop, rock metal, among others, and needed a lead singer before the Battle of the Bands. They weren’t aware there was one of those things there in Belvoire.

Beck took the paper in their hand, interested in what they had to offer, and maybe ask for details later. But suddenly, the sound of high heels walking angry towards them caught their attention.

There, at the end of the hall, was the very Poppy Min-Sinclair. And she definitely saw Beck. They gulped, but stood still. They weren’t a full coward, if something was about to happen, let it be at once.

“Hey, tranny!” They heard someone yelling from behind. Confused and angry, Beck turned around, ready to deal with whoever was calling them like that with such a despicable tone, but what they got was not a conversation, but a fist right to their mouth.

The hit was so hard, it managed to make them wobble a little, only to be pinned aggressively against the wall by the collar of their sweater.

“I tolerate you being your disgusting self. But don’t ever dare to drag my woman into your shit.” A guy, a random guy was looking at them with repulse, with actually hatred. But Beck was used to it… They weren’t that impressed, so they chuckled.

“Funny, I don’t recall a complain from your mom.”  It was fine, as long as he didn’t hit them in the… Ow, the bad rib… Ok, that did hurt.

“Stay away from Poppy.” The random guy mumbled, making Beck see red from one second to another. “She’s mine.”

Who the fuck did he think he was?

Gathering strength, Beck managed to break the hold and land a punch right in the nose of the other one. Making him back down, blood falling from his face. The rage he now had made him let out a roar before lash out like a bull against Beck's torso, both of them falling to the floor. Again and again, his fist crashed on Beck’s face, but Beck turned things around, hitting the guy as hard as they could, until…

“What the fuck is WRONG WITH YOU?!” Beck felt a delicate yet strong hand reaching out for their shoulder, breaking the fight apart. Poppy was there, holding them tightly in a hug, looking at the guy on the floor completely infuriated.  

“Poppy… I can explain… I saw The T's photo and I...” that guy said, looking distressed.

“I don’t fucking care, Burnett!” she roared. “you little piece of shit! I will personally make sure you end up getting dragged to the deepest, darkest, nauseating place this world has to offer to animals like you!”

Surprisingly, Beck felt bad for that pathetic guy. They haven’t seen Poppy so angry, so fierce in a very scary-the-shit-out kind of way, ever. Everyone around that were watching, started to go away as faster as they could, trying to avoid any kind of confrontation with her, leaving the three completely alone in a university corridor, which was no little thing. Beck took a deep breath… or at least, they tried, but…

They couldn’t breath deeply…

They couldn’t breath without pain.

“You-you can’t be serious… Are you… are you really dating that?”

“I’m dating whoever the fuck I want! And they have a fucking name! Call Beck a That again and I'll make you life a living hell!”

Beck didn’t even notice her defending them. The sharping pain was too much to talk.

“As for you...” It was Beck’s turn. “How you dare to ditch me like that at the club!”

“Wait…”

“I don’t care what you have to say! You should’ve growth a pair and talk to me long ago instead of just avoiding me!”

“Poppy… wait…” They try once again, wanted so desperately to regain air to their lungs without her yelling them.

“You know? I don’t even know what I saw in you! You’re just the same as many of my…!”

That’s when Beck started to bend, holding the rib as an instinct to protect them, to make it stop hurting, the pain was fully showing itself on their face.

“Oh my God…” Poppy exclaimed, her angry attitude switched quickly to a worry one. Swiftly, Poppy's hands traveled to Beck's shirt, uncovering his body. A big, yellow bruise on their skin was slowly becoming green… purple at some places. “Shit… I’m going to kill you, Carleton!”

Oh, the bad rib…

“What is going on here?”

The sound of a familiar voice showed up, Professor Ina Kingsley walked in, maybe alerted by students or something like it, Beck didn’t really want to dig in.

“This fucking asshole attacked Hughes as a savage meathead!”

“Is Beck ok?” Ina asked right away, being aware about how the pain in Beck was bigger that Carleton's, who got away with some bruises and face cuts. “Think you can walk?”

“I'm fine…” Beck groaned. “… I just… I need to sit down a moment…”

“Miss Min-Sinclair, do you mind taking Beck to the nursing? I handle Mr. Burnett.”

“Come on, Farmsville. Lean on me.”

“No, I can manage…” The look Poppy throw them was so deadly scary, that them were paralyzed for a second. “O-ok…” Beck did as she told them, not wanting to face that kinda mortal gaze ever again.

But as the both started walking away, Beck turned to look at the guy who was now being taken to the Principal office.

And the deep hatred drawn in him was enough to know it: That guy wouldn’t stop there.

“Sweet… this all over again.” Beck thought, feeling actually insecure for the first time in all the time they had there.

“Poppy… I don’t want to go to the nursing.” They said, desperately needing to feel secure.

“Are you dumb? Of course I’m taking you to the nursing! Did you see that bruise?”

“Poppy.” Beck stopped immediately, looking supplicant into those honey eyes. Scared. “Please… I'll go anywhere but there…”

The strawberry blonde thought about it carefully; a battle was taking place in her mind, while she was reading the message written on Beck’s eyes.

Her rigid posture suddenly softened, as if she couldn’t deny anything to them… Maybe Beck wasn’t the only one with a soft spot for the other.

“Fine. Let’s go to my room.”

----

Next

[therealsaintscully]

[TJLC] Distracted by AGRA (or the many hints about personification of death in The Six Thatchers)

PLEASE CONSIDER THIS A WORK IN PROGRESS. IT’S NOT PERFECT BUT  I HAVE SOME GOOD IDEAS HERE, I THINK, SO KEEPING IT FOR NOW.

A FEW DISCLAIMERS: - I’m not a native English speaker and this wasn’t betad, so excuse the less-than-perfect English (although you’re about to find out what native language actually is). - I’m very new in the fandom and in reading/writing meta, this would be my second meta post tbh, so excuse the amateurism. - Everything I’m about to write here is based on very quick and easy Google searches. I’m BY NO MEANS AN ACADEMIC! I’m not well versed enough in any form of literary analysis to claim more than that, but perhaps this post will be a breeding ground for new ideas. If you are an academic and you find these interesting - please go ahead and expand on them. - Lastly, this may have been picked up before by other meta writers and if so - I’m not aware of it, as I’m quite new to this fandom.

tl;dr: The Six Thatchers seems to be full of hints about the personification of death and cultural/religious representations of it, in a way that may even hint that that Mary = death, and/or that Moftiss were very preoccupied with the idea while writing it. It should be noted that I find these tidbits interesting in the context of well-established TJLC theories I’ve been reading up on a lot lately, namely EMP and M-Theory. I found these details interesting in the context of reading TST as something that’s happening in Sherlock’s MP as he’s dying and suspecting that Mary is dangerous and perhaps even linked to Moriarty.

AGRA > Samarra > The Four Angels of Death

As these things always go, I’ve been re-watching episodes while researching my WIP fic ‘Turned’. I have this new habit these days of only listening, instead of actually watching the episode in search of a fresh perspective. This time I was blown away, once again, by Sherlock and Mycroft’s conversation about AGRA. It’s a VERY odd conversation considering the topic, and what caught my ear this time was Mycroft mechanically reciting facts about the city of Agra. Why Agra, I asked? What’s so important about it? Nothing, the way I see it. One search led to another and I looked up Samarra, thinking perhaps I’ll find some connection between the two cities, but couldn’t.

The search for Samarra and the parable about it led me to the Appointment in Samarra wiki page, which mentions that the title of the book comes from a retelling of an ancient Mesopotamian tale by W. Somerset Maugham (the source of the next quote is here):

"The Appointment in Samarra" (as retold by W. Somerset Maugham [1933])

The speaker is Death

There was a merchant in Bagdad who sent his servant to market to buy provisions and in a little while the servant came back, white and trembling, and said, Master, just now when I was in the marketplace I was jostled by a woman in the crowd and when I turned I saw it was Death that jostled me. She looked at me and made a threatening gesture, now, lend me your horse, and I will ride away from this city and avoid my fate.  I will go to Samarra and there Death will not find me. The merchant lent him his horse, and the servant mounted it, and he dug his spurs in its flanks and as fast as the horse could gallop he went. Then the merchant went down to the marketplace and he saw me standing in the crowd and he came to me and said, Why did you make a threating getsture to my servant when you saw him this morning? That was not a threatening gesture, I said, it was only a start of surprise.  I was astonished to see him in Bagdad, for I had an appointment with him tonight in Samarra.

There is also a very interesting study guide link from this website, which asks some very interesting questions about tale, such as Maugham’s decision to make Death a non-omniscient narrator of this tale, as well as a woman. I’ll return to Death being referred to as a woman later. However, since I have no expertise in literary readings, I’ll leave it to others who might be to add some more here.

More below the cut:

The version of the story in TST is a bit different; the servant is absent from the tale; it is instead the merchant who has the nighttime appointment with Death in Samarra after being startled to see Death that morning in the Baghdad market. (This note was taking from a wikipedia entry about another - apparently-  very deterministic play by Maugham, Shepey.)

Anyway, the Appointment in Samarra wikipedia mentions that Maugham’s story comes from a much older version recorded in the Babylonian Talmud, Sukkah 53a.

The Talmud is the central text of Rabbinic Judaism. I’m a Hebrew speaking Jew, though an atheist one who isn’t well-read in religious texts at all, but I was intrigued enough to look up the Hebrew Talmud version of the text (in fact it’s originall in Aramaic, but wikipedia offers a Hebrew tranlsation). A quick Google search led me to the wikipedia page about the personification of death, and that’s when things got interesting.

Under the section about the grim reaper in Judaism, a story from the Talmud is mentioned, which seems to be another version of the Appointment in Samarra story. Here’s the story, translated by Google Translate, because I couldn’t find an English version:

The Babylonian Talmud tells of a sage, Rabbi Bibi, the son of Abiy, whose angel of death was often in his company. Rabbi Bibi heard the angel of death ask his emissary to name a woman named Miriam (Mary) who was a hair dresser (the future mother of Jesus). The messenger of death accidentally killed another woman named Miriam (Mary) who was a teacher. The angel of death said to his messenger: "I asked you to kill Miriam the barber and not Miriam the teacher." The messenger of death replied: Then I will bring Miriam the teacher back to life and bring before you Miriam the barber. The angel of death said to him: If you have already brought Miriam the teacher, leave her with me along with the rest of the dead. The angel of death asked his messenger: How did you manage to kill the teacher Miriam even though it was not her time to die? The messenger of death replied: She was killed before an opportunity to kill her - she was fiddling with the stove with ember in her hand to clean the stove. Inadvertently she caused a burn in her leg - and when a person was harmed and his determination of his time to die was undermined - so I had a chance to kill prematurely. The sage, Rabbi Bibi, asked the angel of death: Do you have permission to kill people before their pre-determined time has come? The angel of death answered, "Yes, for it is written, 'There is no one who has perished without judgment.' 

(According to wikipedia, this story is taken from תלמוד בבלי, מסכת חגיגה, דף ד, עמוד ב – דף ה, עמוד א).

AGR(A?M?)

Alright, I said, two Marys, escaping death but then meeting it eventually. It happens.

But as I read on… that Hebrew wikipedia page mentions another personification of death, the angel of death Azarel. Azarel has three ‘colleagues’ (e.g archangel) in Islam (and in some variations, they also exist in Judaism and Christianity): Jibrail (Gabriel), Israfil, commonly thought of as the counterpart of the Judeo-Christian archangel Raphael, and Mīkhā'īl (Michael).

So wait, that’s -- that’s Azarel, Gabriel, Raphael... as in AGR(A)?  Whoa.  That fourth angel mentioned in Islam is Michael - which doesn’t hold up with AGRA - but could that be a coincidence? We’re told two things about BBCSh’s AGRA, but we can’t really know they’re actually true. The first one is that Mary claims it’s her initials, which we later learn is possibly not true - John gets mad realizing it’s another lie. The other thing is that Mary claims to be ‘R’, for Rosamund, but we can’t be sure about that either. However, another cool detail: in Christianity, Raphael is generally associated with an unnamed angel mentioned in the Gospel of John, who stirs the water at the healing pool of Bethesda. Yes - I know, the M really doesn’t fit there, but M really is a character that stands out in the BBCSH universe, doesn’t it?

Moving on to more cultural references of the personification of death the Hebrew wikipedia page offers, note that I haven’t read the first and it’s been years since I watched the second:

Death with Interruptions

In Death with Interruptions by José Saramago, they mention, death is a woman, and she falls in love with one of her future victims. She decides to spare his life: Every time death sends him his letter [notifying him of his imminent death], it gets returned. Death discovers that, without reason, this man has mistakenly not been killed. Although originally intending merely to analyse this man and discover why he is unique, death eventually becomes infatuated with him, so much so that she takes on human form to meet him. Upon visiting the cellist, she plans to personally give him the letter; instead, she falls in love with him, and, by doing so, she becomes even more human-like.

Chess and The Seventh Seal

Another reference is the film The Seventh Seal, about a knight returning from a crusade, and discovers his land his ravaged by plague. The knight encounters Death, whom he challenges to a chess match, believing he can survive as long as the game continues. Does that remind you of any particular promo pics?

What I find interesting in all these references, is that they all seem to deal with questions regarding ‘dealing with death’ that, in the context of EMP for example, can be seen as Sherlock ‘running simulations’ (or asking philosophical questions) on how to deal with his current situations:

- ‘Do you have permission to kill people before their pre-determined time has come’? (Can people time die before their pre-determined time? Can people escape pre-determined death?)

- Can you interrupt death with love? Was Mary supposed to kill John, fell in love with him and thus his death was postponed? Is John still in danger?

- What can one do to postpone death - perhaps challenging it to a game, hoping for survival as you distract it?

Tagging other meta readers/writers who I think might enjoy this ; let me know if you don’t - I won’t tag you again): @sarahthecoat​​, @devoursjohnlock​​ @inevitably-johnlocked​​ @possiblyimbiassed​​ @waitedforgarridebs​​ @tjlcisthenewsexy​​  @loudest-subtext-in-tv​​ @therealsaintscully​ 

[zabreti]

the time has finally come for me to start expressing what i have been overwhelmingly feeling for the past week, since i started to properly listen to this sunshine of a woman named joanna newsom. i want to- actually, i need to vent a little about the album ys, since it’s the one i first listened to. plus my initial contact with joanna’s work and thoughts that came with it

even though i only found out about her a few months ago, i guess everyone knows her(?); if you don’t, you should. there’s not one single moment in which i’m not mad at myself for not finding her sooner. so fyi, she’s a harpist, pianist, singer and songwriter from nevada. according to some sources, she may be the most famous harpist alive today; i really don’t know about you, but it really sounds quite badass for me.

i started searching for her stuff after watching her husband’s - andy samberg - multiple interviews, where he would be sometimes asked about their marriage. i’ve been binge watching random interviews with people i like for the last weeks, and i found myself actually watching some interviews of hers before i even got to listen to her music.

btw, look at this fucking adorable couple. just look at them for a second.

first of all, what a lovely woman! each answer, each laughter, each little thing she did on camera caused an admiration for the idea of andy and her together to grow strongly; i wasn’t even sure if it was ok for me to feel so strongly about someone else’s relationship. my curiosity grew when i started to read the comments on these videos on youtube, pretty much 100% of them being about her intelligence, her talent and how her music sounds angelical, mystical and perfectly constructed. (let it be said that it only grew more and more as i watched every single interviewer asking both andy and joanna about how different their works are, and how different they appear to be as individuals; not only was suggested that andy would probably not rise up to such an intelligent, serious taste as to fall in love with her (he doesn’t even need to say a word for anyone to realize how passionately in love he is with joanna and her entire work), but also said that no one could believe she was actually able to be a goofy, easy-going, good-humored person because of the lyrics she writes. ok, i could spend hours listing the unnecessary questions i identified in these interviews, and how i get easily annoyed by these famous hosts assuming stuff or trying to create an uncomfortable environment; and don’t even get me started on the fact that most of the interviews she was invited to would revolve around her relationship with andy. i’m choosing to let this feeling pass for now, since it’s not my focus today.)

i couldn’t help but start by saying all this since i truly adore andy’s works, and nothing feels warmer than realizing two amazing people are in love and have a family together by choice.

i mean..... ??????? c’mon. greatest couple alive. try and fight me on this.

another interesting thing i found out was that she dislikes streaming platforms similar to spotify, which probably (?) justifies the fact that i never came across her songs, since i use spotify on a daily basis and have been using it to find new artists for the last years. call me ignorant, it’s fine, truly; but i haven’t heard of similar opinions coming from artists, and it made me even more curious to know what this woman was expressing, creating, thinking. she actually told larry king: 

“spotify is a business model. it’s not good. it’s based on the idea of circumventing the payment of artists. (...) i’m not opposed to streaming. i understand that the world is shifting and that the way music is valued and monetized is shifting, and i’m ok with that. and i’m even ok with people not paying for music (...), i just wish that there was a better way to do it that didn’t only pay a company. (...) i haven’t heard of one [alternative to spotify] that seems built the way that i would prefer it to be built.”

one of spotify owners (owners or directors, idek and idec) even replied to her many critics, but she never changed her mind or retreated from defending even her honest, harsh comments about how spotify is “like a villainous cabal of major labels”. for me, that’s a badass woman. not only for expressing herself without giving a damn about anyone who might be offended in this process, but also for choosing the path that felt ethical and worthy, and being recognized all over the world for her talent while following her own ways. i know, right? simply awesome.

there i was, reading the endless comments on her interviews’ videos and wondering what the fuss was all about. there was nothing left for me to do other than to actually start listening to her songs. i could have done it by looking up her discography and starting from her first project, but somehow i stomped into the ys album, which was released in 2006, in youtube itself.

first of all, would you look at this freaking cover?

i found it absolutely gorgeous in each detail; in fact, i really wish to know if there are meanings in the little specific parts of the painting. maybe there aren’t any and i’m just trying to create a more complex joanna in my mind? sure, sounds like me. or maybe there are lots of ‘em and she already said it on camera and i simply missed this video? sure, sounds possible. i won’t lie, i spent so much time thinking about this cover... maybe way too much time. alright, on we go.

there are 5 tracks on the album: emily, monkey & bear, sawdust and diamonds, only skin and cosmia.

at first, i didn’t quite understand what i was listening to. and i’m not talking about the lyrics, i’m talking about the whole idea of the album, the artist, the genre. the conjunction formed by her high pitches and soft, delicious vocal variations, surrounded lovingly by the harp and the violins was very mysterious to me. at first, i wouldn’t be encouraged to keep listening to her. but something kept me there, seated, staring at the screen and paying attention to each second of it. it was an experience. a real transportation. i searched for the lyrics on genius, and anyone that would pass by my bedroom’s open door would see me completely enamored by what i was listening to, like a concentrated kid being told an epic, adventurous, huge, beautiful and complex story. that is exactly how i felt: in the middle of a field, picturing each image she described in the song; each figure, each feeling. she described it all in a way that made me wonder how can someone describe a dream so vividly, how can someone describe anything so perfectly, so fully, and not sound redundant, not sound at all boring. the way the melody and the lyrics fit together, as a gift perfectly wrapped and tightly involved in the most beautiful way. i repeat: it was an experience. it is an experience. this is not something you can listen to at any given time, at any given place; i would not dare to not pay attention each time i would plan to listen to it. this is how seriously submerged i felt by joanna in that moment; in that entire day.

all of this, all of this immersion, all of this dream-like state in which i found myself in, kept growing its roots in me throughout the entire album, in a way i needed to show someone - anyone - joanna before i even got to finish the five songs; and the first one that came near me happened to be my mother. while listening, she actually found it quite pleasing, “like some old movie’s soundtrack” when listening to emily, “like an 1960′s melody” when listening to sawdust and sand, and on she went about the entire album. and this got me thinking about how i would describe her genre; of course, after following her on bandcamp i found out i was actually listening to some folk/pop/avant-garde/baroque pop/chamber folk/indie stuff. sounds about right, but at the same time not right at all, for some reason. i believe it’s fair to say that joanna has a magical, rare quality to her music that makes it different to each one listening to it. i’ve said it too much and i’ll say it again: it’s an experience, a complete, true one. it ressonates with deep, personal places. and, strangely, it makes many people describe the feeling that urges to grow inside their hearts as “home”; and i share this exact same sensation.

i really don’t know if it makes any sense, but see: i cherish my alone time probably more than anything in the world. i have learned to be my own best friend in many ways, and being by myself in some quiet days, at my house, reading, listening, watching and creating is when i can truly be myself. with that said, listening to this album, i felt at home. it made me feel even more alone, and i mean it in the most loving, warm, hypnotizing way. 

the ys album is a relatively quick production to be heard, even though it feels like you’ve been gone for hours, days, weeks on end while listening to it. the amount of literary, historic and philosofical references in the lyrics is magically overwhelming; i simply wasn’t able to snap out of it for a long time, and i have, to this day, re-listened to the album about 5 times. still reading the lyrics again and again, still grasping at some expressions faintly but amazed, still finding out about hidden and not so hidden meanings behind each track. still defining it, every single day.

i hope for the great discoveries i feel like pursuing from her work, and the diverse new singers, song-writers, harpists, pianists, violinists, chellists and musicists in general i’ll try to find, understand and support from now on. i’m thankful for finding out how much i love the mix between an orchestra-like atmosphere and a sweet, honest voice ringing in my ears; and how the words assembled together feels like a psychography.

i thank the universe every single day for the opportunity to discover people like joanna newsom.