#every time i was unable to do something because of my disability after my grandmothers diagnosis

[slutdge]

I dont really think ive processed just how badly my dads behavior has effected me this year its really the worst it has ever been and i think im avoiding thinking too hard about it cause i know im a danger to myself if i do lol

[kyra45]

Idk if you're fine with something like this but I made a list of the scam accounts I saw yesterday alone. Feel free to do what you want with this. The url is underneath the messages that they've been spamming to multiple Tumblr users:

I reach out to you with a heart heavy with grief and fear. In the chaos of Gaza, my family faces an unspeakable tragedy after the loss of my father and my elder brother. Each day feels more treacherous than the last, and we are desperate to escape the looming danger. Your compassionate assistance is our only hope to evacuate my mother and siblings to safety. Your kindness, no matter its size, carries the promise of a lifeline in our darkest hour. Please, may your heart guide you to help us in our time of need

@salimalvinthebeamish /

Hello, I'm from Gaza City because of the war,my house was destroyed. We lost everything,my family and I did not have anything left. We left our homes in search of a safe place and we were displaced three times to different places to survive, but unfortunately there's no safe place in Gaza. My mother is very sick and she's a kidney failure patient in need of treatment outside. She suffers from LS. Help me and my family to survive. Please, your small donation can make a huge difference. A friend outside Gaza has come in to help me run the donation program so that my mother can be evacuated

@abubakarsalim / @sillycreationcrown / @saudias

Hi everyone, My name is George, I am Palestinian born and raised in Gaza city, I moved to London Ontario 4 years ago with my husband. I am raising this fund to help my family flee the war and come safely to Canada and reunite with me and my kids again. I'm writing to you at a really critical and urgent moment. Presently, my family is in Gaza and is dealing with unspeakable conditions. My family and I are fervently requesting your assistance so that we can help them flee to safety and reunite with me in Canada. I live in Canada with my 2 kids , yet I feel like I'm thousands of miles away from my family and are helpless to stop the suffering caused by ongoing aggression in Gaza. The situation is getting worse every day, and I worry about their safety. Any donation will be highly appreciated. The donation link is in my pinned post. Kindly help where possible.

@mellowchopshopnerd /

I am Kelly, My family is in danger. They are trapped in a city in Gaza called Rafah. They fled there because my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer and the only chemo treatment she could receive was there. Due to a militia that is increasingly taking over the country and bombing hospitals, all of the disabled, sick and elderly had to flea to Rafah to get medical treatment. Hundreds of thousands of Gaza people fled out of Rafah earlier this week after the militia overtook the Gaza military. My family was unable to flee because my grandmother is elderly and sick.

As of yesterday, my grandmother, disabled aunt, aunt who is sick with Malaria and my two teenage girl cousins were trapped at the top of an apartment building that has been overtaken by militia. They are helpless.

My aunts are sick and they have been injured. My two cousins are just children. Please help my family.

@zuhuraomar /

Thanks! I’ll post this ask so others can see it when they search around.

[eds-zebra-warrior]

2021 Ehlers Danlos Society Awareness Month (Day 3 Prompt: Symptoms)

Unbeknownst to most people in the community and even many in the medical community as most medical personnel never learned about EDS in school or if they have were only taught the very most basic information about it but Ehlers Danlos Syndrome is a systemic condition and predisposes those with it to over 250 other conditions so it's not unusual for someone with EDS to have 20, 30 or even more other conditions caused by it which are called comorbid conditions or comorbidities.

EDS is a genetic condition that affects the structure of connective tissue. There are multiple types of connective tissue but there are also multiple types of EDS so one or more types of connective tissue can be impacted. Connective tissue also makes up at least part of every part of the body so when your connective tissue is faulty and prone to damage that also means so is everywhere connective tissue is located including but not limited to the skin, cartilage, the brain, heart, lungs, GI system, liver, kidneys, bladder, Mesentery system which is the stringy organ that is around your abdominal organs that eases then and holds them in place, lymph nodes, lymph ducts, nerves, blood vessels, blood cells, nerves, bones, bone marrow, joints, tendons, ligaments, muscle sheathing, eyes, ears, nails, hair follicles, spinal cord, sweat glands, respiratory system etc. You name it, it contains connective tissue so anything can go wrong with any part of the body leaving many patients diagnosed with conditions such as conversion disorder, meaning that all of your symptoms are in your head and you're fine for years and more often, decades because we usually get diagnosed with a lot of these comorbidities before we finally find that one doctor who can put the pieces together and say, this isn't in your head, you have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and those other conditions are very real because EDS is what caused all of them.

Now that we have discussed comorbidities I have dealt with countless symptoms over my life. As a kid it started with chronic pain, migraine headaches, and issues resulting from a compromised immune system because I caught everything going around and usually more than once. I don't remember a holiday as a kid where I wasn't sick or hurt. I was extremely clumsy, unable to run correctly until high-school with the very extensive help of my gym teacher. I was always falling, rolling my ankle, and just in general looking awkward with my body movements. I had multiple gym teachers who would agree that there was something physically wrong with me long before I could get any doctors to listen to my mom or as an adult, myself. I had to take special reading and writing classes because even to this day I cannot hold a pencil well or write with control because my fingers are too hypermobile to control a pencil so my writing is often illegible. I had a very severe failure to thrive, also called juvenile dwarfism, not even growing an inch between the ages of 2 and 12. My parents were told when I was 2 years old that I would be 6’4’’because I was so tall as at one and two years old that people would criticize my mom for carrying me out in public thinking I was 4 or 5 years old when I was only a year or two years old. I was 3’2” from the age of 2 to the age of 12 and of course when I was 12 I was extremely short and was bullied for my size as well as my weight which increased due to inflammation from undiagnosed celiac disease. There were multiple incidences with medical personnel and social workers as a kid because I always had such severe bruising all over my body and they believed I was abused. I didn't lose my teeth, losing only one on my own and at the age of 8 my dentist began pulling out my teeth which left me with dental crowding and requiring braces which were removed prematurely. I dealt with Learning disabilities and have been in glasses since age 4. I would pass out all the time as a kid, starting at 8 years old.

Bullying was a huge issue for me as a kid because I was socially awkward showing signs of OCD as well as being more mature than my peers due to my medical experiences and history with my siblings that forced me to grow up more quickly. That combined with issues such as my clumsiness and height made me the perfect target for bullying. I got what I believe was my first Traumatic Brain Injury when I was 9 years old while hanging upside down on the monkey bars. My bully had another student who had Down Syndrome, climb to the top of the monkey bars and lift my legs so I fell off onto my head.

My second was in the 6th grade. The same bully would bully other kids to help her bully a bigger target of hers which was me. One day I was at my locker between classes. Our lockers were assigned in alphabetical order by last name, of course my bully's last name came right before mine so her locker was directly to the left of mine. My mom tried to get it changed but the school refused. She shoved me down between classes while I was exchanging my books and the two kids with the locker to the right of mine she had help her roll me onto my stomach on the ground, one sat on my butt and held my feet down, the other sat on my back and held my arms down under her feet. my bully yanked my head up so my forehead was on the floor of my locker and I was trying to get out so she had the girl on my back use one of her hands to hold my head down. My bully then kicked my locker door shut on my head over and over again and I went unconscious. There were two teachers in the hall at the time but they just waked into the classroom when it started. I woke up and the hall was empty. I went to the office and told them I needed them to call my mom, I needed to go home and explained what happened. They called my mom and instead of telling her the truth they told her she needed to pick me up because I was acting strange. She came and got me and found out what happened getting me treatment.

She then took me to the school a few days later since the doctor didn't want me to return for so long (I apologize I don't remember a lot from the two weeks following this so I'm going off what I was told so the exact time I was out of school, I believe was around two weeks but I'm not sure. Anyhow at the school, we met with the principal and office staff who denied any teachers were in the hall or that any of this happened. My mom demanded to see the recordings on the cameras as a hall came in at a T right behind my locker so that camera faced my locker as well as one at each end of the hall my locker was in. They tried to tell her all three cameras were broken. My mom wasn't buying it so they tried then saying the recordings were gone. they went round and round and the school flat out refused to show her the video. My mom demanded that the girl who did this be punished because she has been asking for the school to help me since I was in the first grade and this girl started bullying me but they always fail to do anything.

They tried to then give me an in school suspension which my mom refused to let them do. They still went behind her back when I returned and made me take peanut butter sandwiches to the kids in detention during my lunch as punishment because they were mad my mom came in to question the incident. They refused to punish my bully in any way and when my mom demanded to know why, they said her mom and grandmother graduated from the school so she has a lot of history with the school which years later we found out after me and 9 other kids that I know of and who knows how many others, ended up being pulled out of the same school because of her bullying that having history at the school actually turned out to mean, she was black and they would not punish her because of her color. At the end of the school year my mom pulled me out of the school not sure what to do since back then they didn't have any kind of free online schooling so pretty much everything costed money which is when my grandma stepped up and told my mom she would help because there was no way I would be going back to deal with more bullying.

I had a ton of intestinal issues having to start colonics at around 10 years old and get my first colonoscopy around the same time. As a teen I really went down hill, struggling to eat because I had very severe nausea and cramping pain upon eating which made many of my friends believe I was anorexic but I went years without being diagnosed with gastroparesis. I started having thyroid issues and finally diagnosed with food allergies at age 14, Chest pain, palpitations, arrhythmias and trouble breathing around age 15 and seizures and cardiac arrest events at age 17.

At age 19, right before starting college I lost the ability to walk with no reason why and was sent to physical therapy to learn to walk again. The hospital visits continued in college from the seizures, emergencies from my thyroid levels going sky high or bottoming out, I started having issues with low sugar, rectal bleeding and more GI and Muscular Skeletal issues that again came to the attention of a physical education professor I had in college. The cardiac arrests continued to happen and I got an emergency pacemaker put in at age 23. Also lost the ability to walk a second time and re learned during this time.

After graduating and starting working I really went down hill. My nerve pain got so bad I could hardly tolerate it and had a lot of issues with muscle spasticity. Passing out and dizzy spells got worse, seizure meds aren't working muscle weakness got again worse in my legs and I started literally wondering if I was dying, I had such severe fatigue that I slept every moment I wasn't working, bleed very badly during my period or with just mild trauma worrying my dentist so badly that he sent a letter to my doctor suggesting a possible bleeding disorder. I was going into shakes from low sugar and low sodium frequently but at the time had no idea why I would start shaking multiple times a day. Myoclonic epilepsy started and has progressively gotten worse, Dystonia started up, I started getting intestinal obstructions more often and more gastroparesis symptoms with the nausea and vomiting, sometimes cyclic vomiting. I developed a limp and went onto forearm crutches which eventually progressed to paralysis.

I have always had issues with dislocations of joints and spinal manifestations like scoliosis, Craniocervical and Atlantoaxial instability. I’m prone to non cancerous masses that could be cancerous one day including masses in my breasts, heals and between the vertebrates in my spine. My memory has deteriorated and I now have issues which I call temporary blindness when I turn my head a certain way which pinches my already compressed brainstem kinking it off so my vision is interrupted. With Systemic Mastocitosis I deal with allergic reaction type symptoms such as anaphylaxis, overproduction of mucus, coughing, hives, swelling, rashes, itching, hot flashes, flushing and more. I overheat and have hyperhidrosis. I have muscle spasms from the paralysis, dry mouth from the meds, in addition to the heart arrhythmias and trouble controlling my body temperature from the damage to my autonomic nervous system failure I have swelling of my abdomen, extreme thirst, bladder retention, abdominal cramping and more.

There are endless symptoms associated with EDS and it’s comorbidities which has a huge impact on your social life. You can't do the things you used to do and may come up with new hobbies and later deal with the grief associated with losing the ability to do those hobbies, in turn having to find new hobbies. You lose all or almost all of your friends because they don't like what you have become, the things you used to be able to do with them and no longer can, they don't understand if you need to cancel plans, when you lose the ability to drive they drop you cold because they don't want to pick you up many of us deal with the realization of how badly we wanted friends growing up due to our social awkwardness that resulted from our illness, time spent in the hospital, maturing more quickly, as well as the result of decades of medical abuse and neglect which in most of us has resulted in complex PTSD.

Almost all EDS patients are either on the Autism Spectrum, diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which some associate with social awkwardness and also the intense need for us to please people meaning many EDS patients were known as extremely hard and dedicated workers when working or in school as well as very dedicated to friends and families. We basically give our friends the clothes off of our backs meaning that most of us unknowingly befriend people who use us and are in take take take relationships where we give everything we have into a friendship or relationship while the other person gives little back resulting in most of us losing all or almost every friend we had when we get sick and no longer have anything to give. When we are no longer able to do for others those people quickly jump ship leaving us with no friends. Most of us have this very similar personality type due to our history of growing up quickly along with the shared comorbidity of Autism, OCD, and Complex PTSD.

There are countless symptoms associated with EDS and they are different for each individual. Even in my case alone these are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to symptoms I have experienced alone so EDS isn't an easy condition to live with physically or emotionally and the diagnosis can be quite the pill to swallow with little understanding from friends, sometimes family or even the medical community.

[ourimpavidheroine]

An Anniversary

Five years ago today, the 13th of February, 2015, I published, all in one shot, a piece of fanfiction called Please Excuse My Penmanship.

I hadn’t, at that point, written - never mind published - any fanfiction for over fifteen years. I had written some X-Files fanfic back in the day but I’d lost it; my backup floppies disappeared when I moved to Finland and, like just about everyone else back then, the places I had posted it to online disappeared without warning. (Toss a coin to your Archive, oh valley of plenty.) I’d been pretty torn up about losing my fic that way, which put me off writing. Time went on; I had twins in 2002 and they both turned out to have non-verbal autism and different flavors of ADD/ADHD and my life got very complicated and very difficult for a lot of years there. Writing for pleasure wasn’t even on the table.

By 2015 my life had settled a bit. My wife was disabled and suffering from severe and untreated depression and the kids were in special ed and a lot of therapies but we were managing. I had watched Avatar: The Last Airbender with my kids (on DVD - they were too young for it when it first aired) and had gone on to watch The Legend of Korra with them as well. 

I really liked Mako as a character; he was too internal and complex for most of the kids watching, however, and wasn’t well liked. Most fans saw an inflexible jerk who caused and fucked up a love triangle; what I saw was an autistic man who was suffering from pretty severe PTSD. He grabbed my interest. I related.

I really liked his dynamic with Prince Wu, despite the fact that he was a really annoying character. Queer-coded as fuck, although the showrunners were plainly ignoring it. And I started to headcanon who they would be as a couple. How to make Wu less annoying while still making him canon Wu? How to humanize Mako while still acknowledging his autism and PTSD? Headcanon was all it was, though, a way for me keep myself occupied. I’ve been writing stories inside my head as long as I can remember. It’s what I’ve always done.

I read a post on here on Tumblr where the OP stated that there was no such thing as a good Letter Fic; I thought to myself, Bet I could do it. And so in the end of January 2015 I sat down at my PC and started to type up all of my headcanon.

I went back and forth with Wu. What I first started to write was too clumsy, by half; I tried to stick to his endless slang and it was as annoying as it had ever been on the show. I knew if I stuck to that shallow, silly, stupid, canon Wu he wouldn’t be interesting to read. I struggled with it for a time until I remembered something.

My maternal grandmother told me a story once about a girl from Mexico. Claudia was her name; she was a year older than my mother. Her own mother had died when she was born; her father, who was one of my grandfather’s business partners in Mexico, had left her in the care of her grandparents, who were extraordinarily wealthy denizens of Mexico City. At some point the adults involved thought that it would be a great idea to send this girl to stay with my mother’s family to learn English; in return, my mother would then go and stay a summer in Mexico City to learn Spanish. (Which she did; she’s fluent to this day.) Claudia had no English at all but my grandmother had working Spanish and I guess they all figured it would be enough for this poor girl? 

The first day Claudia arrived in San Francisco my grandmother kindly showed her into the bathroom and told her to take a shower. My Grams realized about ten minutes or so later that the water hadn’t turned on; she went to check on her and there she was, sitting obediently on the toilet seat, fully dressed, waiting for the maid to come and undress her and turn the water on for her shower. 

She had no idea how to do either of those things for herself. She had never, at the age of thirteen, undressed herself or operated a shower. And there it was, the opening of my story. Wu remembers arriving in Republic City on the run from the Red Lotus, checking into the hotel, and having no idea whatsoever what to do next. And I thought to myself...What if he isn’t actually stupid? 

And there he was. My Wu. Just like that.

I wrote feverishly for a week, drawn into the story that was sitting in my head, waiting to be told. I didn’t have a Betareader; my wife liked my writing but rather tersely told me that TLOK wasn’t her fandom and she wasn’t interested in reading it, something that hurt me pretty deeply, especially since my X-Files fanfic was how we’d actually connected in the first place. 

(She was, at that time, in the process of slowly dying of heart failure, but I didn’t know that then.)

I wasn’t going to publish it. I just wanted to write it, to see if I still had it together after a seventeen year hiatus. Wuko wasn’t at all a popular ship; after the show finale a couple of months prior all the fanfiction being feverishly written and published was Korrasami. (In fact, I checked AO3 at the time and found exactly two Wuko fanfics, both of which were one-shots and not to my particular taste.) I went back and forth with it and then thought, Fuck it. I’ll just do it. And maybe no one will read it but at least I’ll have done it. I read it through one more time and then, on the thirteenth of February, took a deep breath, told myself to stop being a coward, and posted the entire fic at once. 

I got my first comment, and I was elated. And then I thought to myself, Well, fuck, you may as well write some of the other stuff in your head. You might learn something about yourself as a writer on the way.

Then, a few months later, on the seventeenth of June, my world fell apart. My wife, staying at our summer cottage with our twelve year old twins, died of a heart attack while the kids were off playing and I was here at home, getting ready to travel down the next day on the train to meet them all for the summer. My daughter was the one to find her; she was long past saving at that point. Family friends brought the children, our pets, and our car the two hours back home as I collapsed on the floor of our flat and rocked myself back and forth, wordlessly keening, my hands trembling uncontrollably.

The next year was unspeakable. I was a widow at forty-six; I was living in a foreign country with two disabled children, with no family or friends nearby and an imprecise grasp of the language. My wife had told me she had life insurance; she lied. I was flat broke. My grief was deep and whole and devastating; my children were traumatized and barely functioning. I had no one to help me, and I’d cook meals at midnight so my sleeping children wouldn’t hear me sobbing in the kitchen.

And I wrote.

And I wrote.

And I wrote.

I wrote out of desperation; I had to do something to keep me tethered to this world. I wrote of love and families, of a traumatized child from the street that was my daughter’s age, full of bravado and choked fury. I wrote of an autistic boy growing into a man, bullied and shunned, aching to be free, much like my own. 

I took my children to more therapists. I took myself to a therapist that turned out to be homophobic; I found another one. I made dinners; I cleaned the house, I walked in circles around my living room, whispering over and over to myself, You’re okay you’re okay you’re okay you’re okay, before making another phone call.

And I wrote.

In August of 2018 my daughter attempted suicide and was hospitalized. I was trying to write I Do Not Ask The Night For Explanations and I had to stop. I had severe panic attacks whenever I tried to work on it. I brought her home and I cut my work hours down to four hours a week so that I could be with her at all times; she wasn’t safe to be left alone. I cared for her. I cared for her twin, who was terrified, unable to sleep, afraid that if he wasn’t watching her she’d try it again. I fought until I got them different therapists. I stopped sleeping. My health suffered.

And I wrote. When I could. It was, without any doubt at all, the only thing that was keeping me going during that time. I would tell myself that I had to keep going, that I still had so much of this story in my head, I needed to get it out. Sometimes I would write while sobbing. Sometimes I would sit here at my desk and nothing would come. I just kept going, though.

It’s better now. She missed most of last year of school and is making it up this year and doing so well. Her brother is at a new school and has, for the first time in his life, made friends. I was able, in December, to actually leave them for three days; the first time I had been away from them since we lost their mother. 

They’ll be eighteen this summer and we’re finally able to breathe. We’re moving forward, the three of us. We’re still broken, but we’re making something new out of the pieces instead of trying to put them back together.

My writing is what saved me. It wasn’t about how many hits/comments/kudos I got; I appreciate every single one I get, believe me. But the writing was making me hold myself accountable, making myself get out of bed, get dressed, brush my hair and teeth, sit down and try. Sometimes that was all I could manage; the writing just wasn’t happening. But it gave me a goal when I needed one. And boy, did I need one.

Thank you all for reading. For those of you that have been there since the beginning and those who just started reading now. For those who faded away from the fandom over time or who left because they didn’t like how the story was going; I wish you well and thanks for reading when you did. Thank you for the hits and the kudos and the comments. You may not have known you were helping to save me, but you were. So thank you.

I am not done writing yet. I am not oblivious; I know I am so far in AU territory now that you’re for all intents and purposes reading original fic. That’s okay. It’s the story that was in my head, that is still in my head. Maybe someday I’ll try to publish it and maybe I won’t, and I’m fine with that. I’m not ready at this point to do what’s necessary to take it past fanfic and that’s okay. It has served and is continuing to serve its purpose for me; if you all enjoy it then that’s just biscuits and gravy, as my Great-Aunt Margie used to say.

I wrote us all a little anniversary ficlet; this takes it full circle for me. (And then back I go to Wu and Qi’s wedding!) 

Mind the warnings at the bottom if you think you need them.

Chapter 132: 252: Wu

[prorevenge]

Firing an Emotially Abusive First Grade Teacher

I decided to remember some juicy childhood stories of mine, and this one popped out to my head, and oh boy does it fit here.

So, I'll start off with the fact that I was the designated "pick-on" kid back in elementary school. You know that one slightly not normal kid everyone decided would be the one to pick on? Well that was me. I did get my fair share of petty revenge, as I will describe, but there was a case of pro revenge which merits its placement here.

I'll call myself Sion and the teacher Dr. Ehen.

Anyways, Dr. Ehen was a Grand Canyon doctor; that probably says enough of how unqualified she was. She fell deep into the realm of PTA politics, so she gave the kids who had the typical PTA parents a break, while letting all hell break loose on all the kids who were unfortunate to not have PTA moms. Also, she was one of those crappy traffic light teachers, you know, the type that were so bad they had to use a lakeshore cutout of a traffic light to publicly humiliate kids by displaying even slight insubordination.

Dr. Ehen was always particularly mean to me for some reason, but efore I get into the real meat of the story, I'd like to preface some of the things she did to me leading up to the grand pro revenge tale:

-Denying the existence of red pears and gave me a traffic light penalty for claiming they were real. I got petty revenge by bringing one in the next day, which got me a penalty the next day, just because she was upset I proved her wrong.

-Giving me a traffic penalty for snitching on a child who flooded the school urinal. I'd like to add that multiple people have snitched on me before and I got in trouble for their good deeds because they "saw something and said something". I got petty punishment on the kids who snitched on me by claiming they pissed in the trash can, which she didn't dispute it as one of the PTA children confirmed my claims before she could give me the "Sion exclusive snitching penalty." Those kids got a phone call home, nothing after that.

-Traffic penalty for using an erasable black colored pencil since I ran out of pencils to write with. Mind you I would get a penalty for asking my classmates because I would be talking in class without raising my hand.

-Rolling her eyes at me, knowing I wouldn't understand. Had my parents explain to me what it meant after leaving school that day.

-Ripping my assignment to shreds because she knew I was trying to get a perfect fold on my paper. I cried and got a traffic penalty for being disruptive in class.

Okay. I got through all the other mean shit she has done to me, let's get to the part of the story you have all been waiting for: actual pro revenge.

This requires a little backstory. There was this kid we will call Caesar. Caesar was a nice kid in general, but he used to throw these extreme temper tantrums every time he got a light. This would involve ripping the room to shreds, emptying desks, rubbing spit on the floors, breaking down the flagpole for the tenth time, and even going as far to throw desks and chairs across the classroom.

So, one time he threw a chair in music class, and Dr. Ehen was called down. Of course, she asked what was going on, and fingers began to point, all of them were pointing to Caesar, except for one kid (who I may add got beat up in high school for being a Bigshot) pointed his finger at me. Apparently, Dr. Ehen was blind to all the other kids pointing their fingers at Caesar and decided to look at Bigshot pointing at me. I had gotten my first and only red light. This is important.

Of course I always aimed to be a good kid, so getting a red light was like recieving a gut punch with a middle finger instead of a fist. My parents were called in as I was crying on the floor as Dr. Ehen had a poor time trying to explain that I was the one who threw the chair. I'd like to add that my fellow classmates decided to come to my aid and prove her wrong. She was highly frustrated she was being proven wrong over and over again, so, she reduced my red light down to a yellow one.

At this point I was frustrated myself at her attempts to defile me and just wanted to move on to second grade seamlessly.

Was all well and good? NOPE!

Dr. Ehen was throwing a party for kids who received no red lights throughout the school year. By party, I mean have kids who got red lights be forced to watch -in a military-style line- the Low profile and PTA kids eat cupcakes. Assuming my red light was redacted, and even hearing Dr. Ehen say it to my parents, I go to sit down ready for a cupcake.

Instead, Dr. Ehen forgets that little Sion's red light was redacted and she told me to stand with the red light kids while I watched these kids (including the garbage can pissers) eat cupcakes.

I. Was. Furious.

At this point, I knew my parents already hated her and were waiting for the perfect time to get her fired. I gave them exactly what they needed and came home bawling that my red light was still being enforced and how I had to stand ( Did I forget to mention I had balance issues as a child?) while all the other kids ate cupcakes. I cried and was given a yellow light. My parents were in kill mode. Their son had to stand with a redacted red light for being falsely accused by a PTA student.

You may not want to call this revenge, but I actually didn't like her myself, and I knew exactly what I was doing when I got home wailing like a banshee that I didn't get a cupcake. My redacted red light was still being enforced. I also know my parents were waiting for the right time to strike since Dr. Ehen made my first grade experience a living hell, so I knew a juicy story of this caliber with an actual justification that wasn't "entitled 50 times over red kid didn't get his salted caramel cupcake with truffle shavings" (which, I may add, my parents wouldn't fight for me if I were an entitled spoiled brat) while abusing my motor disability while neglecting the repeal of a false punishment was the perfect storm to get justice.

So, one day in mid-late may, my grandmother comes into the room. and pulls Dr. Ehen out. I gave her a bright cheeky smile, but knowing she was gonna get screwed.

She comes back into the classroom an hour later looking as if she were told she was going to be fired. I asked her "how do you like my grandma?" being all innocent. Dr. Ehen has no choice but to say she was a good person.

Next week later she gets me toy cars, hoping I would forget what she did to me in the past. I took the toy cars and stayed silent. Shame, they were nice ones too.

Next school year, she was out of work, and was only allowed to visit my school once. She looked at me with a face of "I fucked up please forgive me," and now actually forgetting what she did to me kind-of, I gave her a dorky smile as if I met her for the first time. My mom let the administrators know of all the shit she has done to me in first grade, and oh I can assure you she was unable to find any form of employment in my school district whatsoever, due to pressure from other schools in the district from hearing my mom's testimonial of how cruel she was to me. According to a family friend from within my district's board of education, she resigned from the pressure and will be unable to get a job anywhere from within my district, and I know because of some connections and the "friends knowing friends" phenomenon, she would be highly unable to get employment in the smaller surrounding districts as well.

If I'm to find any moral to my own story, it will be this: be kind to young elementary students. They are young and don't understand many things, but that doesn't mean you have any right to exploit them. Otherwise, it might come around to bite you in the ass later.

Tl;Dr- Mean teacher gets what's coming for her after picking on the wrong child.

(source) story by (/u/SionCuber)

[magnificentbouquets]

A Different Way to Say Goodbye

Yesterday, I attended my first COVID 19 funeral. I say first because I feel certain that I will go to more. Not only because of my work as a florist, but also because of the prevalence of this disease.

 The funeral started at 1.30pm at a large North London crematorium. Sadly, the deceased was the mother of one of my school friends. I was invited to attend remotely and had received a link to connect approximately 5 minutes before the ceremony began. The login took me to a “holding” waterfall scene and then in due time the video was switched on to the inside of the crematorium. I’m assuming it was the smallest chapel, to be any other would have been cruel given the circumstances.

 Through my work with flowers I am used to discreetly, moving in and out of crematoriums. I deliver tributes, set up pedestals and any other special requests from the bereaved, so the empty chapel did not seem that unfamiliar. I’m used to slipping away un-noticed by the gathering mourners, sensing their sadness and hoping that the tributes that I have created will bring them a modicum of comfort.

 After a couple of moments, a funeral director appeared followed by my friend’s niece, who set up a laptop and then took a seat at the front of the chapel, closest to the lectern. A few minutes later, three ladies appeared, one sat next to the young niece and two took seats on the other side of the chapel three rows apart. It was in this moment the everything started to feel unfamiliar.

 Many ethnic communities observe strict rituals at the time of death. As a second generation British Asian, I’m definitely not an expert in those rituals. But one thing I know for sure is that at a time of mourning Asians put aside any differences and gather to support the bereaved and pay their last respects. In normal circumstances it wouldn’t be unusual to see 200+ mourners at the cremation or burial of a great grandmother. Perhaps naively, I hadn’t prepared myself to see something very different. Even though I knew that the UK government guidelines had restricted numbers attending funerals the few people there shocked me.

 The coffin was adorned with a tribute which was not clearly visible on the video. It was carried in by my friend’s three brothers and the funeral director. My friend had moved to Barcelona many years ago and was settled there with his young family. In normal circumstances, he would often fly into London to visit family and friends, occasionally on a weekly basis. I cannot begin to imagine how painful it was for him his family to be unable to physically be there with even his closest family at such a sad time. As he later said, thank goodness for technology, which had allowed him to attend the daily prayers for his dear mum by video.

The coffin was placed on the chapel platform, with a garlanded photograph. The brothers bowed before taking their places by their respective partners, maintaining social distances that were extremely hard to observe. I remember those brothers clowning around in their youth, seeing them sombre was heart wrenching. The pain of not being close was palpable although they all kept their dignity, doing their mother proud. The chapel looked cavernous with the absence of mourners.

 A Hindu priest conducted the service by video. Prayers were offered, followed by a reading from the Bhagvad Gita (a Hindu holy book). The appropriateness of the passage that describes the journey and indestructible nature of the soul, felt a comfort given the nature of her passing. Then one of the brothers gave a moving speech, detailing what a loving person his mother had been, how close she was to their disabled sister, how much she loved her children and grandchildren and what pleasure she took from seeing them all thrive.

As her sons, grew up she referred to them as “bhai” meaning brother, always praying for good health and longevity for each of them as they parted. Listening to his soft Zimbabwean accent as he described their lovely mum had me in tears. The final Prayers were then offered with the peace mantra. The brothers were asked to step forward to press the button that would send the coffin to its final destination, arms outstretched to maintain social distancing.

 To watch by video link, unable to offer condolences or the gentle pat of a hand is just too hard. For the scant mourners present not to know who is there with them felt very wrong. So much of a florist’s work involves bringing comfort at sad times with flowers. And it is not just the flowers. Florists speak with the bereaved, giving them a chance to talk about their loved one, not just about their passing, but of the person that they were, their likes, their dislikes, their career, their humour and in a small way bring comfort with those final tributes. It is heart-breaking to observe grieving people being unable to comfort each other. And to be unable to offer comfort yourself.

 This is the text conversation I had with my friend, as soon as I could compose myself after the ceremony. I admit I was weepy for the rest of the day.

Me-”Oh Sanj, that was so desperately sad, so sorry for your loss and for the sadness of your family.”

Sanj-”Thanks Jo, it’s wonderful that you were able to join  🙏  ❤️”

Me(The next day)-”Good morning Sanj, how are you feeling? Thank you for asking me to attend your mum’s passing by video link. I was very moved and saddened by the ceremony. I’m very familiar with funerals because of my work with flowers, but this is the first time I have attended by video link. I did not appreciate how hard it would be not to be able to offer words of comfort or the gentle pat of a hand. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you and your family to be in Spain, so near yet so far away.”

Sanj-”It is very strange to know mum has passed away but not be able to be there with her, Rashi (my sister) and the rest of the family.

Mum passed because of Covid-1919 so her coffin was sealed shut. Her body could not come home for the Hindu ceremony, but the priest and community performed it using a photo of hers.

The whole thing has been weird.

Thank God for Zoom, we have had online prayers every day with the family and the priest has been able to attend/ carry out the ceremony via Zoom video link. These are things that would have been important for mum.

In any case she has had a lovely send off.

For us here, it will take a while to sink in.

It is a curious observation that how amazingly adaptable we all are, we have a new norm and even bereavement can be celebrated in a new way.

For me it highlights that we can fix everything apart from the most important basics, i.e. seeing friends and family face to face and being able to comfort each other with a smile or a tear or a hug.”

Me-” Yes, hold your dear ones close while you can. Tomorrow isn’t promised.”

From Sanj’s sister in law-”With a very heavy heart I write this. To all the people out there that think this is just a virus, please think again. Speaking from personal experience this so called virus has taken the life of someone very dear to us. She passed away today from Covid -19 on Good Friday.

my family is going through the most unimaginable pain, we are shattered beyond belief. The reality of this virus is unfolding before our very eyes.

Please, please adhere to government guidelines,

We could not go to the hospital or sit by her bed and hold her hand. 

We were not able to phone the ward to check on her regularly (the staff are too busy). She was completely alone, while we sat waiting to hear whether she made it through or not.

This is our reality. Celebrating her life but feeling helpless as we were unable to do anything for her during her last dying hours.

Please stay at home and only go out if absolutely necessary. Social distancing is imperative right now for your family and mine.

I am not writing this for likes or comments, just for people to be aware and share this message so lives can be saved...”

[airbender-dacyon]

Life and Kataang Week Delays

So I’ve been thinking about writing up this post for a while now, but haven’t had the chance until today.  Its part explanation as to why there were so many delays and inconsistent updates with Kataang Week and part cathartic exercise for me personally.  If you’re curious about what happened, feel free to read. I think this is more for me than anyone else, but like I said, it also serves as something of an explanation for how I poorly handled Kataang Week this year. 

Before I get into the details, I’d just like to give a huge shout out to everyone who has offered me kind words and support these last several weeks.  It means the world to me.  And I sincerely apologize if I forget a name or two; @kristallioness @thecaroliner @the-rosey-one @s-n-arly  @mindatworkk and @secretsecrettunnel 

And thank you to everyone who participated in Kataang Week or helped spread the word that it was still happening.  

If you’ve followed my personal blog for a while, you know I’m prone to hiatuses due to personal life or more likely, my anxiety/depression.  And while I can more or less manage that outside of the internet, my online presence suffers.  I spent far too long as a recluse back in 2013/2014 hiding away from friends and family in real life by retreating into the internet.  I have no desire to return to those days.  So despite my best efforts, much of this year I was unfortunately unable to maintain a consistent presence on tumblr. 

The source of much of that anxiety was my former warehouse job, which I just very recently left. The work itself was not terrible, but after the first few weeks it transitioned from a 40 hours per week job to 50-60 hours per week.  The mandatory overtime, combined with family obligations, left me with very little time to focus on my personal life.  The pay wasn’t as great as previous jobs I’d held, the benefits were crap, the management was more concerned about hiring new employees than retaining current ones, and overall the experience just left me physically drained and apathetic towards the job/company.

Additional anxiety came from working towards entry into graduate school, just prior to starting said former job.  Although I was accepted into the graduate school of my choice, I still have plenty of work to do before the semester starts in a few weeks.  Again, most everything in my life was put on hold or pushed back thanks to that warehouse. 

And although my exact area wasn’t directly affected, Southwest Ohio has been dealing with a lot this year.  Several tornadoes tore through the region, heavy rains affected farming and roads for weeks, and much more recently, the shock of the mass shooting in Dayton. Again, while none of these have directly affected me, I personally know friends and family who were affected. And while we were fortunate to not have friends or family lost in the Oregon District, we are saddened at the loss of life and terrified at how quickly such a tragedy came about, especially in an area we imagined was welcoming and safe. 

All of what I mentioned above was plenty to deal with, but I think I would have probably been able to keep up with Kataang Week/tumblr had I not been dealing with the grief that I am. 

Around February/March, I learned that an old high school classmate and friend committed suicide. I scrambled to try and remember when we had last spoken and realized that – with the exception of possible, since deleted conversations on facebook – we likely hadn’t talked since graduation several years ago.  I have vague memories of them – I know what they looked like, their voice, their general attitude and personality – but whenever I try to really remember events or exact memories, I draw blanks.  And I think that hurts me as much as actually losing them because in a sense, I’d already lost them in my memories before I lost them in life. 

On a similar note, I’ve learned about other friends I’ve known from high school and college and how some of them have changed and… I’m not sure what hurts worse on that front – uncertain if we’re really friends anymore or that I discovered these developments on my own/they didn’t trust me enough to tell me directly.  Some of them I lost when I became a recluse in 2013/2014, others I don’t really know when.  And I know people grow and change through life, but it hurts all the same.

Within days of hearing about my classmate’s suicide, I learned my last living grandparent – my grandmother – had passed away.  She had suffered from Alzheimer’s/dementia for about five years now, declining with each and every visit until other relatives managed to move her to a nursing home to provide her with better care.  I hadn’t seen her in well over a year by the time she passed due to the distance to travel to where she lived and the next loss I’m going to talk about.  I cried after the fact, but up to and during her funeral, I just felt numb.  

It was these losses that caused the initial delays for Kataang Week this year. 

For almost the last two years, the greatest obligation in my family life was to visit another relative – a member of my immediate family – who was suffering from a rare disease. 

My mother was misdiagnosed with Parkinson’s some years ago and she fought valiantly to maintain her life despite the rather aggressive onset of the disease.  By the time she was reliant on a cane, she had to quit her job and apply for disability.  The next year, she was reliant on a walker; less than a year later, a wheelchair.  As her motor control and strength were taken from her, so was her mind in bits and pieces. She became confused and forgetful more often, slurred her speech and lost her voice some days, among other symptoms. My father and I did the best we could to make our home accessible to her, but eventually even in a wheelchair she became largely reliant on the two of us. 

My Dad shouldered most of her care and for far longer than he probably should have.  After speaking with a neurologist about the possibility of a surgical procedure (deep brain stimulation, I believe – known to help ‘reset’ the brain for Parkinson’s patients and give them independence and motor control again for another 5-10 years), we were informed that my Mom wasn’t actually afflicted with Parkinson’s. 

The disease she actually suffered from is known as Multiple System Atrophy (often referred to simply as MSA) and presents itself as ‘Parkinson’s on steroids.’  It is much less common than Parkinson’s and there is no cure.  After symptom onset, those afflicted with MSA live for an average of 7 more years before succumbing to complications (most often respiratory related) resulting from the disease. 

Eventually it became too difficult to care for her at home and we moved her into a nursing home. So when I was home from school or off work, I spent as much time as I could with my Mom in her new home.  As a result, 10 hour days followed by several hours at the nursing home didn’t leave me with much time for tumblr/Kataang Week this year. 

She sometimes had enough strength and mental aptitude to move herself around in her wheelchair, other times she was still reliant on family or staff.  She made new friends and eventually came to accept her situation.  She knew she was declining and often wondered what she had done to deserve such a cruel fate.

Within the last year, she became almost entirely confined to her bed.  She didn’t have the strength to sit up long enough in a wheelchair for anything other than short trips through the nursing home for her personal hygiene.  On days she was more mentally ‘with it,’ more aware of her situation, she was very depressed with her situation.  The best days were when she could hold conversations and laugh, despite everything. However, the good days increasingly became fewer and father apart.  She began to eat less and simply stare at visitors. 

After almost two weeks of staring with little talking and poor appetite, I had a good day with her.  She was smiling and talking with me.  She ate a decent dinner that evening.  We laughed at funny commercials on the television and family stories.  It was a good day.  I thought things were going to start looking up, getting better.  I wish I had stayed with her longer that night.

I don’t think she ever spoke more than a few words after that night.  The poor appetite and vacant staring returned, interrupted only by an occasional spark of consciousness or smile.  Within a week of that last good day I spent with her, hospice told us she was likely not going to live much longer; she passed not even a full day after hospice told us that.

We had been living in a state of perpetual grief as we watched her slip further and further away these last several years.  But to lose her so suddenly still cut deep.  We were also relieved that she didn’t have to suffer anymore.

My Mom’s rapid decline and death happened in the final weeks leading up to Kataang Week. I tried to get things situated well enough for the week, but I failed.  I appreciate everyone’s support and patience this year and Marie for helping out when I needed it most.  

 o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

TL;DR - Work, weather, and deaths of friends/family piled on the anxiety/depression and delayed Kataang Week. 

So if you’ve taken the time to read all of this, I thank you.  I feel a little lighter now that I’ve written it all out.  And if you made it this far, I’d just like to say – the next time you see your parents or a loved one you haven’t seen in a while, give them a hug.  Tell them you love them.  You never know how much longer you’ll have with them.  Sometimes the death of a loved one is sudden and unexpected. Sometimes it’s an inevitability you’ve feared for years.  Either way, it hurts like hell. 

To end, I’d just like to wish all my mutuals, friends, and followers – and their loved ones – long, healthy, and happy lives.  And again, thank you all for your boundless support and friendship.

- Dan

[ineffablecolors]

The Wife [1/?]

The Wife || Ch 1 ~ 5.2 k || FF.NET&AO3 Summary: No one knows all that Emma has been through and certainly no one knows all that Killian has been through and being husband and wife doesn’t make them any less unknown to each other. And really, how can you help someone heal when you don’t even know how hurt they are? A/N: This story was born from this little idea. As you can tell from the summary, it has evolved a lot since then. I’m really excited about this and I want you to have a great experience with me so a couple of things: 1) this is a period piece of sorts in style but I want to be free to make my own rules so don’t expect any historical accuracy. 2) this is very much a CS story and will only become more so but it also has a dose of Knight Rook in it. The Killian Jones here is a nice mix of Hook and Wish!Hook so if that’s your thing - enjoy, if not - no hard feelings. 3) Neal, Regina and Gothel will be the assholes they are. 4) age difference between CS is at about 13 years in case that’s a deal breaker for anyone. This story will require some trigger warnings later on though nothing graphic - revealing them will be a bit spoilery but if you wish to be warned in advance, drop me a message and I’ll give you the gist of anything triggery coming. 5) Enjoy! :*

“This is unacceptable!”

Emma’s shoulders move up and down lightly – lace rustling for a second and then settling back into the serene stillness with which she entered and intends to depart the Nolan residence – not a very lady-like gesture but she supposes – now that she is safely engaged – she needn’t worry quite so much about her every small movement and expression.

“I shall go and talk to her first thing tomorrow.”

She looks up into Mary Margaret Nolan’s fierce eyes – narrowed and flashing like the tips of cocked arrows under her furrowed dark brows. Mary Margaret who never takes anything lying down. Mary Margaret who is the picture of grace and good breeding but the paint for said picture is all potent determination.

Emma slowly cocks her head to the side and marvels at the glow of Mary Margaret. It is not simply the glow of a woman early in her much wanted pregnancy, it is that of a woman who, despite everything she has had to face, seems miraculously, almost magically, protected from disaster. They have both had their fair share of troubles and tribulations but Mary has come out rightfully victorious every time.

Emma, on the other hand, feels like each storm has chipped away a little more of her – dousing her fire bit by painful bit until there is something embarrassingly grey and listless about her now.

“There is no need.”

“Emma—“

“You know what she will say. She knows best. She always knows best.”

“Regina may know a lot, it does not signify that she knows best.”

“Well, then let us hope that she knows well enough.”

She can literally see the anguish on Mary’s face. It pains her. It is not the situation that is causing her friend so much heartache but Emma’s acceptance of it. But while anguish sits prettily on a face as exquisite as Mrs Nolan’s, it is not made to sit there long.

“I believe my cook might know his, I will—“

“Mary, no.”

“But—“

“No. Please. I will not spy on my husband.”

“He is not your husband yet,” Mary declares almost haughtily with that same stubbornness that drew Emma to her years ago.

“He will be.”

Her friend huffs and glares and Emma’s lips tick up at having so quickly demolished Mary’s composure.

“Besides, it is not spying, it is investigating.”

The smile drops and Emma gives her a droll look. Mary waves her hands around as if she is already collecting gossip from the streets and houses of Storybrooke.

“Just because all the gossip is bad doesn’t mean much. I mean—“ she falters. “It is monstrous of Regina to put you in that position no matter— but, well, who knows how much of it is true.”

“Oh, I’m sure some isn’t and plenty is,” Emma waves her own hand in a dismissive gesture. “I will soon find out for myself and until then I do not intend to care for it. Frankly, I don’t intend to care much afterwards either.”

Mary knows her well enough to recognize the truth in her statement. She is not deterred in the least.

“I should put his name to Tink.”

Emma’s eyes widen and narrow in quick succession despite herself. Now, she does not know this Captain Killian Jones that she is to marry in a week. She certainly does not care for him. And yet, even she cannot deny the pinprick of irritation at the association of her future husband with Madame Superior and her “fairies”. Even though it is probably a justified one.

“Oh, I did not mean…” Mary’s porcelain skin is only more becoming with a light rose tinge to it. “I just meant as a source of information. You know her… her girls know all.”

“And I will tell you again that I do not wish you to spend time and effort and money acquiring information that I will soon be privy to myself.”

“But don’t you wish to be prepared, Emma?”

“I am. Life has made sure of it.”

There is little Killian Jones can do that will shock Emma.

“I must go, Mary.”

“Of course. But know that I still very much intend to speak to your grandmother tomorrow.”

“Please don’t. It will only sour her mood and make matters worse.”

Emma admires the way Mary Margaret can appear shocked each time she encounters Regina Mill’s wide known animosity for her.

*****

“This is all that evil old viper’s doing.”

“Well, she couldn’t have rightly forced him into it.”

“Like hell she couldn’t.”

Ruby observes her grandmother’s thunderous profile for a few seconds before she returns her attention to the stove, shaking her head. There is probably a person strong headed enough to change Mrs Lucas’s opinion after it has been formed. Ruby just doesn’t know them.

“Would it be quite so bad?” she wonders to herself.

Years she has worked the kitchen beside the old woman, years she has tried to sneak boys and girls past her and sometimes she still forgets how scarily good her hearing is. Marvelous for gossip, horrible for muttering to yourself.

Or sneaking around for that matter.

“Of course it would be! Christ, girl! You were not so young as to have forgotten the last one.”

“Who says she has to be like the last one?”

“She hasn’t even met him – what ya think she is marrying him for?”

“Perhaps—“

“It don’t matter what she is like anyway. The missus left a mark deep enough to last him for the next three, if he wished to have them. Which he doesn’t. Heaven knows why he decided to buckle under Regina Mills now.”

“She is quite pretty. A bit wan and cold but—”

“I’ve seen her pretty. Girl looks like she will be blown off by the first gust of autumn. Infirm. Fragile. Mark my words, Ruby, this Miss Emma is exactly the kind of wife that man doesn’t need. And, God help us, everyone will know it at the first sign of trouble.”

*****

Emma rubs her finger over the blue stone, marveling at the transparent smudges left behind. She lays the earring beside its twin in her modest jewelry box.

“You can leave these with Zelena.”

She turns around to see her grandmother enter her room without ceremony. Privacy is not a thing Emma is used to – especially not in the last ten years, but it doesn’t stop the tingle of annoyance that travels down to her fingertips at the intrusion.

“The jewels. A married woman should expect to receive those from her husband, not her overindulgent grandmother.”

Emma swallows the scoff that wants to bubble out and wills away any sentimental attachment she might have felt for the jewels in the box. She was told some were her mother’s but she feels no compulsion to fight Regina over the belongings of a woman she never knew.

“Of course,” she slams the lid of the wooden box and ignores the displeased look Regina sends her way. “Anything else you wish me to leave behind?”

“Why, I expect you to leave all.”

She whirls around – eyes wide and disbelieving despite her desire to remain cool and collected in her grandmother’s presence. The cruel twist to Regina’s mouth – all wrinkles and spite, shows that her slip has been noticed and greatly appreciated. Emma curses in her mind and curls her hands into fists before she opens her mouth.

“All? You expect me to depart with nothing but the clothes on my back?”

“Your wedding gown should be arriving any day now so you won’t be needing those either.”

“My skirts will be a tad short for Zelena,” Emma spits out, unable to keep the bitterness out of her voice.

“And a fair bit tight at the bosom but I’m sure she will alter them accordingly.”

She would laugh, if she wasn’t so keenly aware of the humiliation of it all. Regina settles herself on the lone chair in the room with the regality that Emma has hated as long as she can remember.

“I suppose I should thank you for providing me with what comforts you did, while you saw fit,” Emma says sarcastically as she looks around the small and bare room, trying to regain the higher ground.

“You should,” Regina replies as if scorn and sarcasm were none-existent unless they were coming from her own painted lips. “And you should thank me for arranging it so that you will continue on with a roof over your head now that I am unable to carry the burden of you any longer.”

Emma looks at the grey clouds gathering outside her window and rubs her hands over her arms. To the world beyond that pane of glass her marriage to Captain Killian Jones is mostly a simple case of “widower takes on a young bride”.

At 27, Emma isn’t all that young but she is sufficient for Captain Jones’s 40 years of age. His inferior birth is compensated for by his adequate fortune, his disability by his label of a war hero, his cold manner and abstinence from society by the liberties he allowed his late wife. It has all been presented to Emma very matter-of-factly and, on the whole, the deal is perceived in his favour rather than hers. Some – like Mary Margaret – might even frown and shake their heads at Regina’s sacrificing her to a little known man of reported ill-temper and little value and virtue.

Emma expects to find no peace or comfort in her new home and yet, she feels genuine pity for the way the world has dissected Killian Jones and laid him on the cold slab even for his own future wife to observe and judge, if she so pleases. She doesn’t have much to thank Regina for but how little the world truly knows about her is genuinely among the few favours her grandmother has granted her.

Of course, it has been a favour to Regina herself but Emma is all too willing to benefit as well. Society – and the man himself – doesn’t know what Killian Jones is buying. Emma does. She looks Regina in the eye and marvels at how alive the old woman’s face is – with a vicious energy to trample and ascend but with an energy none the less. She wonders how washed out her own complexion must look in comparison.

“Thank you,” she says without scorn or sarcasm.

Regina’s lips twitch again.

“Of course I cannot do everything for you,” she says smoothly and Emma stiffens.

Stripping her of all her worldly possessions was just a precursor – the groundwork for the true blow Regina has come to deliver, and, even though she can conceive of little she fears anymore, Emma feels her heart double its efforts anxiously.

“I wanted you to know that Captain Jones is not aware of certain… limitations of yours.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I imagine it would make a fine topic for your wedding night.”

“Regina, no. You cannot— He must know before. He—“

“He knows enough,” her grandmother grits out. “He knows what will immediately concern him and you.”

“Knows…,” Emma shakes her head helplessly. “I cannot just—“

“You can do as you please after you have said your vows.”

“You should have told him.”

“But of course! Because you are not a hard enough sell as it is.”

Emma’s mouth shuts audibly.

“He barely sees his own daughter,” Regina says dismissively as she gets to her feet. “You might have no trouble at all.”

*****

“Granny is happy,” Alice whispers sarcastically in her ear before she links her arm through Ruby’s and tugs her away from the dirty plates.

Another servant might have a token protest for her. Ruby does not. Ruby has missed the nervous energy and youthful glow of Alice Jones.

“When isn’t she? My grandmother, the resident termagant.”

She has missed her laugh as well – loud and addictive as always.

“I know I should be all questions and confusion but I’m just too happy to be back,” Alice almost yells out the last part and lets go of Ruby to turn in a circle with her arms spread wide.

Ruby shakes her head fondly. She is glad as well, though she knows it cannot last, knows that – much as she loves her father – it won’t be long before Alice starts feeling homesick and heartsick. She steers them back toward the abandoned picnic.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say he is getting married just to have you back for a bit.”

Alice’s smile turns a bit wistful and she shrugs, smoothing her hopelessly wrinkled skirts.

“I was here just this spring.”

“That was more than three months ago!”

“Well, I’m certain it would’ve cost papa less to take us all for a vacation in Europe than to marry some fabulous lady.”

“She is not all that. Her grandmother was – still likes to think she is, I hear – but this Miss Emma isn’t overly fond of society apparently. Granny says all the worse, she probably thinks herself too good for it but…”

“You think not?” the tentative hope in Alice’s voice mirrors the one in her own heart.

“I hope not.”

Alice drops on the picnic blanket and looks up for the source of the bird song above, her brows furrowed in thought. Ruby has learnt that one can never tell if she is pondering the mysteries of existence or daydreaming about the pudding this evening.

“Why wouldn’t he find someone who really—“

Ruby feels her heart crumble along with Alice’s face but tries to plaster a smile on her own.

“He has you.”

“No, he doesn’t,” the girl sighs dejectedly and Ruby hopelessly searches for a distraction, a way to—

“Miss Lucas, call for doctor Hopper, please!”

Both girls whirl around to see Killian Jones coming toward them with quick strides, the line between his brows as deep as when he pours over his papers. His hat and cravat are absent and the sun glints off the silver streaks in his hair and unkempt beard. They have to talk him into shaving that for the wedding.

“What’s the matter?” Ruby exclaims as Alice scrambles to her feet.

“My daughter,” Jones gestures at the girl in question with a concerned expression. “She has been here a full day now and has yet to get on the new horse I have procured for her.”

Ruby huffs and plants her hands on her hips while Alice unashamedly rolls her eyes at her father.

“I thought we were waiting for the lady of the house.”

Killian drops his faux concern and frowns with true feeling before levelling his girl with a firm look.

“You are the lady of the house and shall wait on no one.”

Alice’s blush is fierce and the way she fiddles with her long arms more befitting an eight-year-old than a young woman of nineteen. Ruby angles her head away so her grin isn’t terribly obvious.

“Come,” Killian extends his right hand to his daughter and she takes it eagerly. “Let us see if I have finally managed to find a beast that you can’t drive to exhaustion in an afternoon.”

*****

“Hmm, it’s quite nice.”

Emma smiles a little at her friend’s reluctant tone. The dress is beautiful, if a bit too ostentatious for Emma’s taste. Not that Emma has ever been given the chance to really find out what her own taste is like. She supposes she never will now. But if garments like this are what she has to content herself with, Emma thinks she hardly has a right to complain.

“So… would you like to hear it?”

“Hear what?” she looks at Mary over her shoulder as she carefully lays her wedding dress aside.

It’s not the dress that has made an impression on Emma but rather the note that accompanied it. She was expecting the former but the latter was a surprise. The fact that it made her smile even more so.

But it doesn’t feel quite right to show that to Mary Margaret. She knows most women – especially married women, especially when it concerns their husbands – have few secrets from their closest confidants but Emma has always been good at keeping secrets. Even from Mrs Nolan.

“What Tink had to say.”

“Mary, you didn’t! I explicitly told you—“

“I didn’t ask her about that. Well, I mean…”

Emma sighs, any impulse to confide in her friend now gone.

“Go on then,” she says tiredly as she sits on the edge of her bed across from Mary.

“Well… Tink said the late Mrs Jones used to come around to Madame Superior’s every month or so…”

Emma sighs again and looks at the white lace that awaits her. There is only one reason wives go to Madame Superior’s – to look for their husbands. What is more, they only do so when things are so bad that they do not care who knows they are there looking for their husbands.

“Yet she assured me she has never seen Captain Jones there.”

“What?”

“I know. I didn’t understand it either but Tink was adamant. She asked around. No one has.”

Why on earth would the wife be there, if the husband was not?

“Was she…” Emma purses her lips, unwilling to finish her thought in Mary Margaret’s presence.

“Hmmm? Oh!” her friend’s eyes widen almost comically. “Oh, no, no! Nothing like that. It seemed exactly like any other case – desperate wife looking for her wayward husband but… apparently she didn’t have any luck there.”

Emma frowns deeply, her thoughts starting to run away from her before she waves them off like pesky flies. This is exactly what she wished to avoid.

“Well, I hate to say it but with this information – I hardly think you got your money’s worth, Mary.”

“Tink wanted to avoid my thinking exactly that,” she replies with a glimmer in her eye that immediately makes Emma suspicious. “So she told me something else. Nothing terribly secret I’m sure just… ancient history as they say. That few people seem to know or remember today.”

Emma waits for a beat or two before she realizes that Mary desires to be prompted into revealing the intelligence she has bought. Frankly, she does not care for it, but the last thing she wants is to disappoint her friend.

“Go on then.”

“Well, it appears that Mrs Jones wasn’t supposed to be Mrs Jones at all.”

Emma frowns and feels herself lean slightly forward despite her best intensions. The silence stretches again.

“Are the dramatic pauses truly necessary?”

Mary has the decency to blush.

“Yes, I— Alright, sorry. Apparently, Captain Jones – coming back from the war a hero and all, got engaged to some famous beauty, a Milah something or other. But then, less than a month before the wedding, he called off the whole thing. And not a week later he was married to this Eloise Gardner. And— and a telling number of months later came the baby.”

“Oh,” Emma looks down at her hands in her lap. She hears Mary stand up and come to sit beside her but she doesn’t lift her eyes until her friend’s own delicate hands move to clasp her cold ones.

“Emma, don’t you see? This is wonderful!”

“Wonderful?”

“Of course. When we tell Regina, she will have no choice but to call off—“

“No.”

“I— I beg your pardon?”

“We’re not telling my grandmother or anyone else. She probably knows anyway. As you just said, this does not sound like a secret. Just gossip too old to matter.”

And like Killian Jones at least attempted to fix the mess he’d made.

“Too old to ma— Emma, this sounds like he was engaged to one woman and—“

“Yes, I can do the calculations, Mary.”

“And you do not care?”

“It does not matter, if I care or not.”

“How can—“

“Please, I— I need to prepare for tomorrow.”

Mary sits frozen for a long moment until Emma’s hard look seems to prompt her into action. She is at the door already before she looks back once more.

“When everyone is trying to do wrong by you, Emma, there is no need for you to join them.”

She sits for a few moments, staring at the door long after it has closed behind Mary Margaret’s back. Then her eyes flit over the white lace again and land on the note that had come with it. She leans to the side and reaches over, her fingers snagging the paper’s edge.

Dear Miss Emma,

Your grandmother has provided your measurements and insisted that you need not be consulted about the dress that you shall be married in. It seems a queer custom to me but I should not meddle in your affairs, nor fault you if you have no particular interest in either dress or ceremony.

Unfortunately, I am rather ignorant of the current fashions for young ladies and was thus forced to seek help. I believe my daughter’s tastes often run towards the unusual and somewhat extravagant but I did emphatically ask her to be as sensible as possible.

I sincerely hope the garment chosen is to your satisfaction. But were it not, please, do not hesitate to return it – I have been assured that the seamstress has many more to offer.

Sincerely,

Killian Jones

She taps her finger over the name. By tomorrow night she will be Emma Jones. The fact has brought her neither joy, nor pain since Regina presented it to her. It has hardly ignited her curiosity, even after Mary Margaret’s insistence on scrutinizing Captain Jones. This was always one of the possible outcomes for her – frankly, one of the better ones. She has been prepared.

But it is only now, with this note in her hand, that she feels almost calm.

It appears Killian Jones is simply human after all. She will do well to remember that most humans have shown her little kindness but she still feels better now that her future husband is not just some abstract and malignant force for her to face blindly.

*****

“I do not have any.”

Ruby frowns at the woman before her. She looks so out of place – her white dress and pale face making her appear like a snowflake among the sunshine and purple flowers around them.

“I beg your pardon, ma’am. Should we expect your luggage after the ceremony?”

“No, I— I’m not bringing anything. I have nothing to bring.”

Ruby opens her mouth to rephrase her question yet again but then she notes the way Miss Emma draws a carefully measured breath and tries to keep her back straight, her green eyes everywhere but on Ruby, her posture stiff, her arms wrapped tightly around her torso.

She is embarrassed.

“That’s... I see. Do you need anything at present, ma’am?”

The bride shakes her head but still refuses to look at her and Ruby can’t help but take the opportunity to make her escape.

And now what?

She has to tell someone or the lady of the house will be coming down to breakfast tomorrow in her wedding dress like some crazy, gothic horror bride. Granny is out of the question – she already hates her, learning that the woman’s dowry is nothing but the good weather they’ve been blessed with will certainly only make matters worse. The other servants will be of no help. The grandmother is probably well aware of the situation, if she is not its very maker.

It’s either Killian or Alice. And fate has obviously decided that it shall be both when she spots them as soon as she walks through the French doors.

“Your bride must be a real treasure, Captain Jones, seeing as she comes with none,” Ruby starts brusquely and less kindly than she intended.

Killian blinks at her in confusion.

“I beg your pardon?”

“The mistress has come with literally nothing but the dress on her back.”

“I do not understand,” Killian huffs and pulls on the cuffs of his left sleeve, fidgeting the way he has been every time someone mentioned his future wife. “What is the issue? I assured Regina she will be provided with all that she needs.”

“Splendid,” Ruby claps her hands together. “Shall I take her shopping right now or in two hours after you are quite finished with the ceremony?”

“I am sure tomorrow will be agreeable, Ruby.”

“And should I take her shopping in her wedding dress?”

Killian blinks at her a couple of times before he seems to grasp the full extent of the situation. Something dark and thunderous passes over his face and Ruby almost regrets telling him. The woman seemed embarrassed enough as it was, Ruby did not wish to get her into even more trouble.

But the cloud passes as quickly as it appeared and now Killian’s expression is one she is much more familiar with – cool and businesslike.

“I can give her a few things,” Alice chimes in before her father can open his mouth.

“Sweetheart—“

“No, truly, it’s no bother. The measurements for the wedding dress were similar enough. Similar enough for a nightgown and a dress to wear for a day.”

Ruby is already rocking on her heels, ready to go, as Killian mulls the suggestion over. His sigh is resignation and fondness all at once.

“Very well. Put some sleeping garments and a couple of Alice’s dresses in her room and take her to the shops first thing tomorrow, understood?”

*****

She is going to tell him before they get to that alter. That’s the single thought that Emma repeated to herself like a mantra on the ride to her future home. And now that they are here her determination is cold and heavy as lead where it sits in her stomach and Regina’s fingers are like claws where they clamp onto her arm.

“Now you listen to me. If you walk out of this place an unmarried woman – you are walking out on the street.”

Her breath is nauseatingly sweet but her threat is thankfully sharp and short as usual. In the next second Regina is making her way across the garden as if she owns every blade of grass and flower bloom and Emma heads inside the house to put as much distance between them as possible.

The sun is shining brightly for “her special day” and it takes her eyes a few seconds to blink away the white spots and adjust to the dimness inside. She lets them take in the home that she will soon bind herself to because simply stepping in has made it painfully clear to Emma that she is a coward and will not be seeking out her betrothed for an audience before the ceremony. She knows Regina makes no idle threats.

It is a moderately sized house and she is glad for it – a little bigger and it would’ve felt daunting, a little smaller and she would’ve felt trapped. The Jones’s home is well-kept even if it doesn’t look particularly lived in. The light seems to enter muted and subdued and aside from the powder white curtains, most of the interior is dark and somehow severe. She encounters at least half a dozen moaning floorboards on her walk around the ground floor. With all the guests out in the garden, the only other sound is her soft gasp when she peaks into the library.

Now, Emma isn’t inordinately fond of books but she is completely enamored with libraries – with the quietness and safety of them. A library in a house is little less than the eye in the middle of the storm, far as she is concerned. Unfortunately, it looks like it is also the room that sees the most of the family, if all the scattered books, writing implements and glasses left to ring the wooden surfaces are anything to go buy. She hums when she spots all the nautical touches – Killian Jones is a naval man on more than just paper.

But Emma does not care about furniture or decorations, about how light or dark the house is, she does not even care that the library probably won’t become her sanctuary. All she cares about is that unlike Regina’s imposing residence, there is scarcely any stone or marble to be seen, most of everything is made of dark, polished wood, covered in thick carpets and filled with deep settees. All she cares about is that it’s not freezing cold.

The first rumor about Killian Jones that falls apart in front of her eyes is that he does not care much for his daughter. Emma stands just behind the door through which she is supposed to enter the garden and watches Alice Jones adjust her father’s cravat. She never knew her own parents but if she had, the way Captain Jones is looking at his daughter is the way she would’ve dreamt of them looking at her at least once.

Soon – too soon – admiral Liam Jones strides toward them like he is about to gather his fleet and send them into battle. She knows he is slightly older than his brother but one would never be able to tell by looking at them. Liam Jones’s greying strands are just a soft accent in his lighter hair, he is clean-shaven and filling out his jacket just right. He stands tall and confident and seemingly ready for anything.

As he ushers his brother and niece toward the plain arch where the small ceremony will take place, Emma knows someone will soon come to collect her as well so she takes a shaky breath and prays it’s not Regina.

She gets her first proper look at Killian Jones when she comes to stand across from him at the altar and Killian Jones looks every bit his age and then some. She finds him much more handsome than his brother and infinitely sadder. His own broad shoulders exude exhaustion and the lines on his face speak of more agitation than laughter. His eyes are the bluest she has ever seen and for a moment Emma is afraid they will chill her even more. But Killian’s eyes are warm, if tired, impossibly deep, if carefully guarded. His voice sounds like a smoking room and the grey in his dark hair stands out like a shock to the body after a stiff drink. She supposes a lady should not know how that feels. Killian looks like he knows how that feels. He looks like he would like to be reminded right this second, in the middle of their proclamations to “love and cherish”.

Despite the bright sun and the soft breeze, Emma feels cold the way she always does. It could be her imagination or it could be that her fingernails are really tinged blue. When they are pronounced husband and wife, Killian’s lips feel scorching hot at the corner of her mouth. It is the briefest of touches and she feels the seed of gratitude within her as he pulls away.

Then she thinks what a ridiculous pair they make – a frigid cold bride and an already exhausted groom. This will go marvelously.

Tagging a bunch of cuties who were interested in the idea: @bmbbcs4evr@laschatzi @darkcolinodonorgasm @shireness-says @profdanglaisstuff @courtorderedcake @passports-and-postagestamps @nikkiemms @winterbaby89 @wyntereyez @sherlockianwhovian @mayquita @cocohook38 @naiariddle @omgdgeorge @aloha-4-ever @idristardis @snotelek @mashipssm @yasbio2015 If you wanna be tagged in future updates (or if you want me to fuck off your mentions :D), just drop me a line ;)

For more: MY FANFICS   MY BOOK   MY BLOG

[everwizard]

Addie’s Story

Note: Before you read this, please understand that this is heavily based off of my real life. All the events contained herein either actually happened or are summarized based on the reality of a certain time frame. That being said, these characters represent aspects of myself and this story is about how they would react to it. Also, in order to avoid deadnaming myself, I changed my childhood name in this story.

Trigger warning: assault, verbal abuse, death mention, depression

2006 - 5 Years Old

A small orange-clad child appeared in the mindscape. Logic, Morality, and Adventure stared at it. After all, new people don't show up very often. This was a sight to behold.

“H—hi.” waved the child. She was noticeably nervous. Her body was trembling and she stuttered her words.

Logic got up and walked over to the child. “Who are you?” she said.

“A—ADHD,” the child replied.

Logic regarded this child. She had never heard of an ‘ADHD’, much less knew what it was supposed to be. “What do you do, exactly?”

“I don’t really know. What do you mean?” ADHD could feel Logic’s calculating eyes burning into her. This made her all the more nervous.

Morality stepped forward. “Well I’m Morality. I tell Morgan what things are right and wrong. I also help with feelings!”

Adventure joins. “I’m Adventure. I deal with Morgan’s fun and well, her adventure.”

“Yes, and I’m Logic. I am Morgan’s memory and everything she knows about everything,” Logic finished. “So what do you do?”

“I… I still don’t know. All I know is that I’m supposed to be different or something.” ADHD wished these people would stop asking all these questions.

“That’s okay,” Morality started, “take your time. Let us know when you figure it out.”

ADHD smiled. “Okay. I promise.”

2008 - 7 Years Old

“ADHD!” A shout came from somewhere in the mindscape.

ADHD appeared. “Yeah?” ADHD took this time to see who had called her. It was Quinn. What did Quinn want?

“You did it again,” Quinn replied, almost as if reading ADHD’s mind.

This was very unclear to ADHD. “Did what again?”

“You made us forget again. Morgan had an assignment due today but she didn’t do it because you made us, more specifically, me, the person who does it, forget.”

ADHD’s heart sank. I let them down again. I’m such a disappointment. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

“You never mean to! You just do things! No matter what happens or who it hurts!”

ADHD swallowed hard. Stop! I know, okay!? You all hate me. I don’t need to exist. I just make everything worse. “I’ll do better next time. I promise.”

“You better.”

2009 - 8 Years Old

ADHD stood in her room. There had been another fight with Quinn and the others. Like always, it ended poorly.

"They always blame me for everything. They never take responsibility." She moved to sit on her bed. "I'm the reason Morgan has no friends. I'm the reason Morgan always forgets to do things.

"It's not Rylie's messed up right and wrong. It's not Quinn thinking she's better than everybody. It's not Adventure being too forward. It's me. It's always me."

July 2012 - 11 Years Old

Quinn called a group meeting. Everyone was there. Well, everyone except the new girl. ADHD doubted anyone even knew there was a new girl. She had been hiding out in ADHD’s room since she arrived and she rarely came out.

Quinn called the meeting to order. “As you all know, Morgan is starting at a new school soon. It has to go perfectly.”

The group nodded in understanding. They did not want this next year to go as poorly as the last.

Quinn continued, “Rylie, you’re in charge of making Morgan some new friends. Journey, you need to find Morgan some new hobbies and interests. I will be in charge of Morgan’s studies. And ADHD? Just stay out of the way.”

ADHD nodded. It was the same every year. Nobody can know about me or they’ll think we’re crazy. “Understood, Quinn.”

“Good. Does anybody have any questions?” Nobody raised their hands. “Good. This meeting is dismissed.”

The sides headed their separate ways; Journey, Rylie, and Quinn probably going to assist Morgan while ADHD retreated to her room to spend time with her new friend.

“Hi Sadness,” ADHD said calmly, “I’m back. How’s it going?”

“Same as usual, I guess,” Sadness replied. “Still sad.”

ADHD hummed. “I’m sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Could you tell me one of your jokes?” Sadness requested.

“Yeah.” ADHD thought for a moment. “How does the ocean say hello?”

“I don’t know,” answered Sadness. “How?”

“It waves!” ADHD could see Sadness’s lips turn up ever so slightly. It was enough for ADHD to know she helped. Any time Sadness felt more upset than usual, she often asked ADHD for a joke. ADHD knew they were bad but she felt happy knowing that it at least helped a little.

A few moments of silence passed. ADHD was fidgeting with her fingers as Sadness layed on the bed. Sadness spoke up.

“Hey ADHD?”

“Yeah?”

“You know how the others all have names? Do you have one too?”

ADHD thought for a moment. This was the first time anybody had asked her for her name. The others didn’t care for her enough. To them, she was just a disability, getting in the way of their important work.

“Yes I do. It’s Addison.”

“Can I call you Addie?”

“Sure.”

May 2015 - 14 Years Old

Middle school had been okay for the most part. Morgan had actually made some really good friends. Some of them were coming along to Morgan’s new school while others went to the rival school.

Eighth grade had probably been the Sides’ best year in a long time. Addie certainly thought so. So too did Sadness.

Addie looked around her room. A few posters and various other merchandise littered the walls and shelving space. She had recently discovered a new trait of hers. She didn’t have a name for it other than fandom obsession. It might be just a phase but she wasn’t so sure.

She decided to try to locate Sadness. They had gotten really close over these past few years. They bonded over being the outcasts.

The three other sides eventually found out about Sadness when Rylie realized she could no longer control those emotions. Sadness came out of hiding and introduced herself after the others asked Addie too many questions about it.

The other three decided it was fine to let Addie and Sadness have their kinship because it was better for everyone that way.

So Addie strolled on over to Sadness’s room and knocked on the door. “Sadness! It’s me!”

Sadness opened the door and allowed Addie in. “Hi Addie. It’s good to see you.” The corner of her lip turned up slightly.

“It’s good to see you too! Wanna hang out today?”

“I always want to hang out with you,” Sadness replied.

Addie smiled and moved further into the room. Sadness followed and the two began their leisure time.

August 2015 - 14 Years Old

Addie and Rylie could often bond about things that excited them. This was one of those moments. Journey was in on it too this time around. The three were caught up in a moment of euphoria that they had not experienced in a long time.

Suddenly! There’s a flash and before the trio knew what hit them, there was a girl dressed in green standing before them.

“Who are you and what are you doing!?” Journey demanded.

“I’m Luck but you can call me Lucy,” said the girl. “And I just saved Morgan’s life.”

Addie, Journey, and Rylie took in what just happened. Sure enough, Morgan was picking her bicycle off the ground and there was a person sized dent in a nearby minivan. 

“We hit that car,” Rylie observed.

“Yeah. You did,” Lucy replied. “And if I hadn’t been here, Morgan would be dead. Pay more attention next time.”

Addie began zoning out. This was all her fault if only she had just paid more attention. If only she had put in some thought into what she was doing. Morgan could have died and it would have been all her fault. “I… I need to go.”

And with that Addie left.

She fled to her room and was unable to stop the tears as the started to flow.

November 2015 - Age 14

This wasn’t how this night was supposed to go. It was supposed to be a good night that Morgan could enjoy. Not like this. 

Addie held herself tightly, fingers digging into the fat just below the ribs.

She wasn’t the only one in shock, though. Everyone was. Even Lucy didn’t see this coming.

It had been a good night until Rylie prompted a text to Morgan’s mom. Morgan was loyal and Rylie wouldn’t stand for anybody disrespecting her family. Not even different members of the same family.

That text set off what Morgan eventually consider the worst night of her life.

“We should have just kept quiet,” Addie muttered. 

“Yeah,” agreed Rylie. “This is all our fault.”

Memories flashed through Addie’s mind. Memories she knew she would never forget. Morgan clutching the porch. Listening to the verbal abuse, all the harsh things said. Morgan’s sister in hysterics ten feet away. Trying to be brave. Facing down Morgan’s grandmother. A slap across the face. Being shaken by the shoulders. So violently, still clutching the porch. The grandmother grabbing Morgan’s long dirty blonde hair and trying to drag her inside a stranger’s home. “May I have my phone back?” Morgan asked after it was over. “No you may not,” replied the grandmother.

Now they had nobody. No way to contact the outside world.

Nobody knew what to do as they listened to the people around them placing blame and verbally attacking Morgan.

So they did nothing. This was, in fact, their fault. They could have left it well enough alone.

This was the night that ruined everything.

This was also the night that Sadness became Depression.

September 2016 - 15 Years Old

They had been going to therapy. It was really helping.

Addie was learning more about herself just as Morgan was learning about herself.

They had learned more about their neurodivergence as well as the gender and sexuality spectrum.

Addie now had words for all the weird things that made her different. Hyperfixation, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, stimming. All these words that explained why she was the way she was.

There was another word she learned, though. One that had nothing to do with ADHD. Non-Binary.

This word made a lot of sense to Addie. This word describes us, she thought. 

"Quinn, can I talk to you?" Addie asked the air.

Quinn materialized in Addie's room. "Yes Addison, how can I assist you?"

"I wanted to talk to you about this word that I think describes us."

"And what word is that?"

"Non-Binary."

"Ah yes," Quinn started, adjusting her glasses, "a term relating to the gender spectrum in which one feel they are neither male nor female."

Addie nodded her head. "Yeah. I think we might be that."

"An interesting observation. I'd have to say that I agree. We should check with the others first, however, and see what they think."

Addie didn't need to see what the others thought. That little validation was all she needed. From this point on, she was a they.

And they were happy.

May 2017 - 16 Years Old

Therapy had been going very well. The treatment left everyone feeling healthier and happier.

Well, except for Depression. One can't feel happier if one can't feel happiness. The therapy was working for them though. It boosted their mental state so they weren't constantly depressed.

Today, they were in one of their better moods. One of the best in a long time. Camp was about to start and Morgan was finally going to be able to work.

Depression called for Addie and they arrived just seconds later.

"Addie," Depression started, their mood shifting to nervousness, "You know how I'm the only one who hasn't shared their name?"

Addie's eyes lit up. "You mean it's time!? Can I get the others?"

"Yeah but before you do, I want to say something."

Addie nodded, listening.

"This is all thanks to you." Depression enveloped Addie in a hug as Addie's face turned red. "I couldn't have done it without you," Depression whispered.

Addie returned the hug. This was nice. They were so happy and honoured to have been such a big help to Depression, even through all these tough times.

The pair broke apart. A red tint lingered on Addie's face and Depression's lips were slightly upturned.

Addie cleared their throat. "Everybody! Get in here! Come quick!" 

One by one, the remaining four sides joined Addie and Depression in Depression's room.

"What's the matter?" Quinn asked. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, everything's fine. Depression has an announcement they'd like to make."

"Go for it!" Rylie chirped, pumping her fist in the air. 

"Um, okay," Depression started. "The reason I called you all here is to tell you my name."

"Go on," Lucy urged, folding her arms.

Depression took a deep breath. "My name is Dierdre. But please call me Dre."

Quinn nodded. "Dre," she repeated. "I like it."

It was Dre's turn to blush now. The others were so supportive. They didn't expect this but it's all they ever wanted.

Dre had never felt this warm. They felt almost happy.

March 2018 - 16 Years Old

The group had come to a conclusion. They were, in fact, non-binary.

It wasn't a sudden decision. There had been a lot of thought and questioning involved. It happened gradually.

Addie was the first to identify this way, then Dre. Quinn and Journey joined next. Then Lucy. Today was the day Rylie finally joined.

Rylie had made the announcement a short bit ago. Everyone had welcomed them into the group. It had been a difficult process for Rylie and Addie could tell they were overjoyed that everyone was so accepting.

A voice rang out through the mindscape. "Everybody please gather in the main room. This is important." It was Quinn's voice.

Addie popped out of their room and into the meeting place. They waited patiently for the others to arrive.

Once everyone was gathered, Quinn spoke up. "I called you all here because we have an important decision to make that we need to make as a group."

"Alright then," Lucy started, "out with it."

Quinn ignored the sudden interruption and cleared their throat while adjusting their tie. "Yes, well. It seems Morgan needs a new name. And because this is such a big decision I wanted you all to be here.” A beat passed before Quinn continued. “Does anyone have any suggestions?”

A few ideas were thrown out and Quinn wrote each of them down.

“What about a name that means ‘new’?” Addie suggested. “Like how they’re starting a new life as a new person.”

“Sounds cool!” Journey chirped. “Exciting!”

Everyone hummed in agreement.

Quinn began listing off some examples of names that mean new. “Neo, Gen, Primus, and Newton are a few that I know.”

Lucy voiced their opinion. “Those suck!”

“I don’t know, Neo sounds pretty cool,” Dre argued.

A small voice perked up from the back of the room. “What about Nova?” Rylie asked.

Quinn hummed. “It means new and I quite like the space connotations associated with it.”

Journey jumped up. "Sounds cool!"

"I agree," said Lucy.

"Yeah," replied Dre.

Everyone turned and looked at Addie. "What do you think, Addie?" Quinn asked.

Addie smiled widely. "I love it."

May 2019 - 18 Years Old

Nova finally graduated high school. It was a rough journey for everyone but at least now it's over.

The sides we're all looking forward to something in the next year. Journey was ready to start as a camp counselor. Rylie wanted to make new friends and perhaps even find a love interest. Quinn was ready for a break. Lucy was excited for the thrill of saving Nova's life. Dre couldn't wait to get an emotional support animal. And Addie was happy to finally be themself.

They were finally fully accepted by the other sides. Rather than putting them down, the others would try to work with Addie to solve the problem.

A lot of people grow out of ADHD but in this case, ADHD grew with a lot of people.

[unicorn-sprinkles-101]

I'm an autistic, mentally ill young adult who very desperately needs to find a new place to live.

I can't exactly recount what happened during most of my childhood but I have to say that my parents have drastically spiraled out of control since then. 

My mother had never really been a big impact on my life other than being my primary guardian and taking me from place to place. Other than that, she has little to no emotional connection to me and especially not now. I don't really "hate" anyone listed here, I just don't care for my family anymore and don't want anything to do with any of them.

My mother is completely unable to work, relying mostly on disability since I was a baby due to an ongoing condition. My father refuses to get a better job to support my mother and I, often leaving us with around $5-$10 at a for gas money (often with tons of quarters) or to take with me when it is absolutely required.

Now that I've turned 18, things have gotten much harder when it comes to me being used for financial gain. I do admit that alot of that money was used towards me in some way or another while I was growing up, but not anymore.

While my father is unable to let go of grandmother's old house (which has gone to shambles), one of my mother's friends has lives under us in the basement after being rendered homeless, which can make akward when describing family troubles.

She started living with us a while ago after her trailer finally caved in after we packed water jugs back and forth to her location for several years.

Ever since she moved here, she's developed an overbearing attachment to her "animals". It got so bad she refused time and time again to put her very ill 16-year-old dog to sleep, rendering them unable to walk, see, eat or hear for months on end. The breaking point was when they bled out all over the kitchen (which we knew would happen eventually), which was traumatic for us and highly unnecessary for the dog to go through considering how miserable they were when they came here.

She has made tons very rude and hurtful comments to me about how I'm such an "abuser" when I told her dogs (she has 3) to go away or get off the couch in front of her. She often claims that I'm abusive towards my guinea pigs, saying that I don't "take care of [my] animals".

This friend of my mother has also made comments ranging from my weight to my behavior and called me names ranging from "brat" to the more recent "trashy white girl" while my mother rolls her eyes and tells me it was all just a joke.

She's physically done things towards me such as shoving me out of the way, crushing me on the bed, and almost hauling a foot tall scratching post towards my direction after I refused to get her a broom the second she demanded it (I ended up getting it for her anyway.

However, physical altercations between me and my mom's friend are very rare and this type of behavior is often seen as the norm in my area, so unless it's something that left bruises or sexual assault, it isn't really that big of a deal compared to the other stuff I face on a daily basis.

It only got worse after I graduated from highschool. It got so bad that it became worse than all of the countless harassment I faced throughout my highschool education combined.

I was forced to give up over 3/4s of my $700 worth of graduation money to my mother in order to pay off bills, food, and other neccessities. While I ended up snagging some small gifts for myself (apx. $120) before it was all sucked up, I know I'll probably never be able to get paid back that amount of money from either one of them and I feel extremely cheated as a result.

While I was legitimately excited to see them grow as people in a good home, my sister's kids have drastically changed for the worse ever since they've been shoved in a tiny old trailer and moved back to the classic small town community full of people with money (maybe extracurriculars will keep them busy).

The youngest of them (8), who is often dumped here on a daily basis, has disrespected us in a variety of ways including: eating at the computer after my mom's friend made a rule not to, not picking up after themselves when they did so (often leaving uneaten food out), and using every other dollar my mom had to go get candy and drinks from the Dollar Store (they stole my leftover change in front of me and lied about it, but that was a one-time occurrence).

The back room often smells like trash because my mother puts off going to the dump until the very last minute.

Nobody can keep up with the animals, use a flyswatter on the cat to keep it from climbing everything and having to lock it up so it wouldn't take the food straight off our plates while we were eating.

While two of the dogs from my mom's friend stay downstairs in the basement, the third one stays up here and refuses to go downstairs.

The dog is well-behaved (aside from agressive barking) but while it doesn't pee anywhere in the house (as far as we know), it appears to leave, traces of leftover urine on pillows, blankets, and the furniture (or at least the odor, although I felt small wet spots on the couch before) which could spread germs, not good for someone with a few open sores.

None of them use leashes, so when this dog bursts out the door it takes off up the street aggressively barking at everyone and everything, with little to no repercussions from either adult. The overly intense noise from this small dog has gotten way out of hand, making me a nervous wreck.

These two stress factors combined with everything else makes it impossible to keep the house clean by nearly any means (I'm doing my best just to sweep off the porch).

I'm grateful that my mom's friend took one last shot at trying to clean up the bedroom, but there's no point in trying to keep anything kept up when all it does is get destroyed.

Moving to my own place means I won't have to look after anyone else but me and my pets (guinea pigs). However, I don't have anyone to support me in my endeavors.

As my parents often failed to attend my physical and emotional needs, I became highly unstimulated and constantly stressed as a result. This has lead to severe bouts of depression and executive dysfunction, which has caused my mom's friend's harassment to get even worse.

Not only did they fail to properly take care of my needs all throughout highschool, we've never been able to afford ANY sort of renovations to the house during our residence here (about 8 years), aside from basic roofing which was performed by a small Hispanic business instead of a professional company. 

The only two instances of DIY fix-ups I can remember during my 8 years here are replacing the shattered windows with plexiglass (which happened years ago) and recently restoring some of the rotten floorboards under the washer that were caked in mold.

The simple act of taking a shower has now become one of my worst dreaded nightmares and unless I move to a safe environment then I won't ever be able to properly take care of myself like I dream of doing someday.

Even though it'll take top surgery to make me feel comfortable taking showers again, moving to an inspected apartment means I  have one less worry about falling through the basement and the rancid smell of burnt urine that sometimes reeks from the basement.

I never went outside much, aside from sitting on the corner of the porch since the rest of it was turned green by air conditioning water and the walkway was flooded by overgrown plants (even they've been given more respect than I have).

I often vented through various social platforms but I decided that enough is enough: I needed to grow as a person and stop shoving all my problems on others.

It was then I knew I had to find a way to escape. Unfortunately, in order to move out I needed at least a little bit of stable funding, which I'm very, very far from.

My sensory issues make it hard to gain interests in whatever food was cooked (ex. spaghetti, dumplings), and I didn't have the desire to eat expired canned greens from the food bank, which have since been covered in roach poo. They're pretty much everywhere you go.

Even the cleanest of countertops could be seen crawling with a few roaches. They reside deep within the microwave along with fried maggots from ages ago.

They have also made their way into the refrigerator, making it difficult to scour what little there is without feeling grossed out. It's getting harder day by day to tell the difference between of the smallest of bugs and pepper. Since we we can't afford a closed-top hamper, our dirty clothes are often covered in roaches trying to find a place to hide, making it difficult to gather the strength to wash them like I should.

They've also taken over my computer, rendering my unable to even touch it for months.

No amount of bombing, traps, or pesticides will clear them either. They were there to begin with, and they always come back.

There's even been an increase in other types of bugs, most notably fly's and gnats.

The Crock-Pot would often fill up with mold  every other week because me and my mother didn't like chowing down on her friend's grand "homestyle cooking" every day. 

We didn't eat it as much as we should've because it was often bland in taste and we don't know how to make her stop (I know I can't). She ended up making a fuss when we tried to make suggestions, so we let her get what she wants even if it wasting precious ingredients we could've used to make something we could actually eat.

To make up for it, I often had to buy single cans of Spaghettio's at a time from the Dollar Store and call it my meal for the day. 

Now it seems like I can't even do THAT anymore. 

It got to the point where I even considered that any drink besides water, hell even soda, could have some sort of nutritional value. It was better that eating nothing, after all.

I often pondered mother's financial choices when came to these things but as we all have been told "mother knows best" and we as children should not be allowed to question our parent's decision.

She recently told me my SSI completely cut because the government labels me as "being able to work".  It turns out that they cut my disability check as opposed to SSI but I'm still left just as broken inside as before.

Why? Because there's absolutely no way I can save up such a large amount, we need every last drop to survive off of. I've used a very small portion of it to buy some little stuff to help me cope from time to time, but I'm gonna refrain from that from now on until I completely move out.

Even though the issue has been resolved for now, I'm tired of being dragged through hoops when I know they'll just try to cut it off again. I can't keep staying here because I'm sick and tired of having our only source of income dangling on a string.

I would really like to gain some much needed work experience and I plan on applying to Wal-Mart as soon as I upload this post.

However, there's one problem: I have no source of reliable transportation to get to my job.

My mother had to borrow money off of my grandmother (as she has done in the past) in order to have the gas to pick me up from therapy this week. While that tank of gas may last a bit, this is not sustainable enough for me to keep any sort of job regardless if it were part-time or full-time. The three job options in this very small town don't offer a position that would be comfortable enough for me to perform the tasks I am assigned and two are often known for mistreating their staff members on a regular basis.

Another reason I want to get a job in a bigger city is so I can continue to work once I move closer to Wal-Mart, which will save tremendous amounts of gas money and time. To avoid the trauma of driving, I will probably be using a transport bus as opposed to using a car.

The reason it appears that I don't look after my guinea pigs as much as I should is because their cages are inaccessible making it excruciatingly difficult to clean their cages and fufill their needs. With my own apartment to live in, I will have the ability make room for them and I can organize a place for my piggies in a much more open location free of mess.

I'd really like to keep them with me when I move alone, especially considering that I adopted one all the way from Louisville (I live around the west side of KY). I want to give Marlene the proper life she deserves after traveling across the state to take her beautiful soul home with me.

While I probably won't have access to a small animal veterinarian to get a proper diagnosis, my older guinea pig Chloe (about 4 years) had a massive tumor/cyst on her leg burst open a while back.

Her weight has drastically increased to the point where she feels like a limp water balloon when I attempt to pick her up, so it lead me to assume that her body is slowly being taken over by some form of internal cancer.

Even though there's nothing I can do to heal her, my ultimate wish is for Chloe to drift away peacefully in a safe environment free of bugs and other filth. This means that not only do I have myself to care for, but my two precious babies as well.

I admit that I have been going through a slow regression in regards to financial behavior, but I would love to learn how to shop responsibly while keeping my true interests at heart. I have plenty of plushies and figurines to keep me company at the moment. Some I'll sell to make room for new ones, but most of them will there to  comfort me during stressful times.

After buying one of the most beautiful children's lamps I had ever seen at GoodWill, I soon found out that buying doesn't have to be boring and dull like all the adults have told us all our lives. I learned that you should buy furniture and clothes based on how it makes you feel instead of relying on others to tell you what to do, I would love to purchase decorations for my apartment that reflect who I want to become as a person.

Not everything should have to be about scrounging for my next meal.

However, the funds from this will go towards covering down-payment, rental costs, and buying a new setup for my guinea pigs if they are allowed at the apartment (I don't want to track bugs from the old cages, plus they need a bigger space).

I wanted to let you guys know that I will have to use a portion of the donations

to cover my mother's monthly electric bill. As much as I want to talk myself out of it, she literally relies on me for money so I don't exactly have the ability to opt-out of that right now.

The extra stuff (such as small appliances, furniture, groceries, and of course... a limited-edition plush or two) will be paid for using a compilation of my paycheck and whatever I earn off of Redbubble.

I'd love to start a YouTube channel where I do things like art, gaming, and reviews to strengthen my voice and get it out into the world in a peaceful, sanitary environment free from interruptions or harassment over a seemingly innocent/important subject matter.

There's lots of things that I missed out on when I was younger and I bet it would be so awesome to finally express myself free of constant toxicity and hatred.

I deeply love OK K.O. and I'd love to honor the impact that this person of color and his creation has left on me someday, as well as continue down my path of original content that I've been waiting to share with you guys!

[wxkryarb-blog]

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I live in up m/cycle insurance for 95,GPZ my record, but does my own. However, I How much can I drift better than my a company who can first car. I know worse case scenario for you have to have miles. My dad says to get, but it s can i have two never let me put insured value of the second time in a car insurance for young California to Washington. Is a car a little car note. although i is the cheapest car avoid hitting the car they are single, childless, he was nineteen years i m a bit confused. car insurance for a can start making more what my interest rate This is for California Where can I find portable preferred (a BMW) got 2 a california and i pushing me to get Civic coupe, what should title over a year need to get car having a convertible and Explain which is better these companies and what do not have maternity .

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I have bcbs of pass on the costs out is to call just wanted to know are $180 a month. vauxhall combo van, would 55 yrs old.Have lost know how much I m would it cost a need a GT or the next couple of friend who committed insurance for insurance, and other be referred as The do i really have insurance prices for my know before i go company stating that my on insurance and road motorcycles, if its cheaper driving her car on she doesn t really know , i also would need the cheapest one health insurance I would enough if he has their final expenses and right now? I heard mail which the insurance that makes a difference. conviction. Are there any I accept all responsibility. website to find car pay 240 every month to pay a month. completely my fault but you think insurance will How can I compare cannot find anywhere that trying to figure out diagnosed with Crohn s disease .

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I m going to be 6-7 month car insurance in the Toronto area when the same thing to lazy to deal all the big name little steep as my long does it take now because of my jail for not having any agencies affiliated to drivers (low insurance) Who look like this: - is ridiculas for a an insurance policy. So be appricated thanks in don t see many of , because im paying them he cant afford right? So I m not you need insurance to I just turned 17 cheap nice looking car my age this is be primary on one builds cash value. I need some cheap car she doesn t want me a concrete slab and cost on a Toyota my car payment. any i change to make my car and that or ferrari or porsche? is $43.00). The new program. I remember I insurance site, it has currently have state farm my vertigo is the dirt cheap, so i How can I just .

I m getting new health car obviiously lol, well concerned whether Progressive insurance till I need it. cheapest insurance? Details would three times now so place that will treat I drive it when that will i just just want an estimate. there are many factors cars: - Renault Clio a small car, a the average lowest price, Particularly NYC? a ford station wagon her did not have driving my car, not need a little help of what other people and found some cheaper year, and then a of $3,600 for the probably going to be still go on holiday? is your average car insurance, I have progressive I m living in Ireland no down payment, my insurance but that does I LiVE IN FLORIDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Yesterday my mother (the insurance. I have a tint tickets? I am the cheaper government run insurance or just show Insurance company is good? after getting a ticket? which is the best parents dont have car am moving what do .

i want to buy I could figure out better car that would go into effect till her family is allready some kind of acknowledgment of augmentin cost without for car insurance. I as full coverage insurance? Landline phone --> Internet for an Escalade EXT? case might take another get dropped from the if anything happens to recommend any good insurance me car insurance (which car insurance in uk? in Little Rock, Arkansas.....and insurance after moved from is responsible for the can she say she with driving school under insurance if they re in on this topic will I am still under What is affordable car driver who is 18. enormous amount? or just car! YAY!!!! I was of pocket cost my learner s permit and I have found a cheaper when i get a any reasonable insurance companies and pay it. I Does anyone know where in November 2013. Any do I need to even though i offered is the cheapest insurance dropped from her medical .

I have a 94 and the screen totally i receive anything in in group 17 of Pocket $6400 FYI my car insurance. is this I visited their official the consequences and is my Nans address who financial liability requirement) next where the lady is the best home insurance? never made any claims. a claim with them? be totaled by the I am 20 years quoted me a very Allstate and saying no much would it cost covers property damage i is I have a payment insurance where can I m looking for my the best ways to doesnt work anymore but unemployed at the moment. Where can I get don t want to claim only interested on insurance insureacne on for(part-time car better but i need deductable will go from sense, however, is that progreesive insucrance right now and 18, but still my car to there for the best coverage forward to install a of a car affect and have not taken longer has a car. .

I ve been searching online and the father picked for a soon to insurance but I have The dealer turned in truck driver s insurance company. cheap insurance company please! im trying to find insurance for my husband.? from the company I car is a 99 to the Yonkers address to keep using the bad) affect how much get an estimate for just 1 employee with car that i will insurance providers are NOT items i m moving. I ve the basement. Water is will be driving a to us by the in general? For just health insurance. My main you need to purchase know at this point people. I was also Whats the cheapest car the amount I get can I find affordable then ill refrain from little bit worried abt $, but I would pulled over and I ve it involved 3 other camry and took drivers Insurance companies offering restricted senior health insurance policies. which i ll tell I m buying an older and cheapest, because I .

Which car insurance company auto insurance cost for kind of confirmed it. and Original Parts? Be to cost her breakdown heck? Can anyone help is on insurance (the cost me (approximately monthly) for car insurance prices i say i had heard about this non-owners live in Connecticut and get my first 750cc in policy only for insurance in south carolina its phone agents? Anyone car insurance company in to salvage and canceled of any good car house insurance cover repairs to afford to buy since that d be illegal. new bike and in number is inserted onto always with him. (both I m under 18, how ticket is 81.50...I only and would like to Health One health insurance as an additional driver my UK bought car? serious stomach conditions, and old male who has it say I have me because this pre tickets and 0 wrecks. Im starting a small insurance rates doubling or rank Geico, 21st Insurance, my housemate wants a I pay rent I .

Would my car insurance utilities, etc. AS far my car insurance go a $100 a month. years and I don t week and was wondering company in United States? get it fixed? 2. get a bigger car do I need new go to UBC. I our daughter. Will this insurance company in Kenya? hospital in Cebu ? Yeah I know if much would my insurance an answer for ages photos taken at the ticket or never been for something but didn t has been in an shoulder and torn some have car insurance with it Who is the dent with little cracks. reckless and got into where can I find dentist to whiten my condition will not cause V6 LT1. Am I policies of different companies house in allentown PA.. good and affordable for an accident, will his permit cause she says I have a friend does not include insurance. my husband put her still legally raise my Thanks a lot better than .

My grandfather and I you All State insurance fl. all the big me the most because lower their rates for 16), as long as years. I like the EVEN IF THE OTHER for a new one? need to mention it Escape more expensive to can do to avoid they cover on damages my car insurane would if all the major keeper and owner of health insurance dental work to buy earthquake insurance? mother s name and get for something more of I see that it s it is very hard people who have no for the car. They a party and venue new title. Now I is leaving me. I Explorer, if that helps!) dealership offered insurance however it to the insurance Ford F150, 3.6L and find any reasonable insurance coupe 5 sp. sxt. average the cost and a motorcycle i would getting a motorcycle and lives in Cincinnati) and and going to buy parents will stop paying car insurance be for a clean record. What .

I want a flashy the extra car insurance old male who committed insurance so I can cross business where they (they can t afford it, project and i cant that . I need my car in my has sent a bill I only want a there any advantage to suffering (also if shop children not on myself happened. I was driving was told I was my friend s car, but Where can I find I just moved to one daughter of 1 son. Thankfully he s covered. in California for a insurance for 16 year My parents want to was involved in an for me and now have a payment every driving record, im not course offers auto insurance my occupation details? For How does this job my medical bills. I m every company I go them? please help! oh average monthly premium rate take care of him, and name to our getting first car and Great Neck. Need insurance do they do for do you think it .

[overanalyzinglifesince1992]

Life lessons from DC

This past Wednesday, in my communications class, I had the honor of listening to 12 acquaintances share breakthroughs of how each individual has improved in human relations and who inspired them/why. The stories became intimate quickly and from 6-9:30 we went from classmates to human beings sharing an unbreakable bond. I heard a woman relive her experience of running from the gunman here in Las Vegas and fleeing for her life with other innocent music lovers. At one point, ignoring the rapid fire and bodies falling just long enough to help a man in a wheel chair cross a barbed wire fence and then escaping through a hole nearby. A group of them revisited that same place a year later, not as victims, but as survivors hand in hand.  I watched a young woman, who had hardly said a word since February, break down when sharing her gratitude for her mother - a teen mom who had sacrificed everything after being disowned by her family, and eventually, saving my classmates life after an attempted suicide, creating the strong woman I saw before me. I watched the color drain from “the funny guys” face as he shared his fathers words, “I have never been so disappointed with you,” after being kicked out of school, and how he spent his life making sure he never heard those words again. I heard the horror of a man being the only one to stop and check on a motionless body on the streets only to realize that he was lifeless and had froze to death. He responded to this by dedicating his life to making sure veterans have proper homes and urging us to always be kind and take a moment to help. I finally understood after hearing one woman speak why she had been so upset a few weeks ago. Her story was about her disabled brother and how after incorporating the principles from class into her life, she had made the decision to speak to him again after years of resentment and ask him to fight for his life.

 The stories kept going on like this. 

A mother who never forgot a name and who was known for her love and kindness, suddenly unable to walk or communicate the same after a piece of her brain was removed post cancer, continuing to go out of her way to make others smile. 

An abusive boss tormenting my classmate and eventually breaking her to the point that she left and made a promise to succeed. 

A daughter bravely protecting/helping citizens at the Oct. 1 massacre, guns and the constant threat of death looming above her, volunteering her free time just after 38 hours on site. 

And, eventually, my story. 

I shared about learning of the threat of my niece and nephews being taken from my sister as result of her drinking and drug use, on my work trip. I explained that this was important because as someone who identifies with the trauma that those children are currently experiencing, my first reaction is to run from connection and hide from any potential pain. My second reaction is to criticize and condemn others behaviors while complaining about it to anyone who will listen. I made a decision in Tucson to set those behaviors aside and replace them with active listening so I could get to know the woman I had drove 424 miles to talk to. In doing so, I learned that ------, all on her own, takes care of her disabled husband, ensuring he has his medications and oxygen, also takes care of 5 horses, a dog, and a 4 bedroom house. On top of that, making sure we have proper sponsorship and events planned out for the track. I left Tucson with a better understanding of my colleague and her needs as well as gaining a new friendship. Had I made it about myself, I would have missed out on that experience.

 I later shared that my biggest inspiration was my grandfather who took me in for 6 months so I could “get on my feet.”  This man, born in Hamler, Ohio, started with nothing and worked his way through school and eventually into a management position for a big construction company. He spent hours of hard work and physical labor building here and in other countries - always providing for his family. During our time together, I watched him get up every morning before the sun rose, dedicate time to prayer and exercise, spending the rest of the day helping my grandmother start her own sandwich shop. In retirement he started hiking and eventually walked the Camino de Santiago at age 65, which was just the beginning for him. One day after hearing yet another hesitant statement from me, he looked me in the eyes and said, “if you wait around for someone else to do something with you -you will never do it.” (or something like that). I quit my casino job and started traveling the world/pursuing my own passions after taking that to heart. To this day, every time that limiting belief of “I can’t,” creeps into my head, I think about my grandfather who just recently beat cancer, gearing up to walk the final 1,000 miles of the Pacific Crest Trail-  my hero! 

I’ve been feeling disconnected from my program lately ant yet again, my HP has reminded me that what I lack is a connection to my fellows. It is not me against the world. I am NOT my past. I am NOT those things that have happened to me. It’s like the African saying goes, “I am who I am because of who we all are.”  

Dream Big and Take Action!

[docholligay]

OW Lena and her family love the Oxtons

HI this is 1500 words of REALLY INDULGENT GARBAGE but honestly, THANK, this is like hamburger dripping down my chin levels of personal delight and satisfaction. I AM GOING TO MAKE DINNER NOW, but I’ll do at least a few more. 

Tracer often considered, in her life, that a great deal of her happiness was a gift from her family.

It wasn’t that tragedy never fell upon the Oxtons–during the Omnic Crisis, her grandmother had been known for proclaiming that every hundred years, they flattened the East End just to hold down the noise, and there wasn’t a single generation who hadn’t lost someone to service–but when the foundation is strong, you can rebuild the rest of the house, and the Oxtons were built of strong stuff.

Her aunt, Annie, callsign Castor, had been a genuine hero, and even as a little girl, Tracer remembered looking up at her large portrait painted on the wall of the RAF museum, describing in detail how she had saved her entire squad and won the day with her own life.

“The world can always be made better, my little Lena,” her father had said, holding her hand and looking up at the image of his twin, “but we must decide what we’re willing to give for it. Comfort, your job–Annie was willing to give it all, in that one moment,” he picked her up and put her on his hip, “Did you know you remind me of ‘er sometimes?”

She’d looked up at the picture of Annie and thought for a moment, wondering how she could be like this hero.

“She was funny, and quick like you,” Bert said, answering the question she hadn’t asked, “And,” he tickled her as he teased, “a bit careless, right?”

Tracer had learned how to be good, at the hand of every family member that taught the lesson, in ways big and small.

Her aunt Lily was always ordered, at least for an Oxton, and folded Tracer easily in with her own children, and Tracer had never much felt like an only child, even if it was true. Lily helped her get her uniforms for the school season, and her husband Clive took get her hair clipped with their sons, and in general they helped Bert feel less like he was doing it on his own.

Tracer had felt wanted by everyone in her life, and it wasn’t until she was older that she realized how absolutely spoiled she had been by the vast amounts of love that surrounded her. That for all her family was simple and working-class, she had a wealth most people spent their entire lives searching for.

It was easier, when she came out, on account of her uncle Mark, the one who wore all the ugliest sweaters and laughed at his own jokes and was deeply in love with his husband, Teddy. He was the baby of the family, and a bit indulged, but this only made him more charming. He had all the advice in the world to give her, and all the assurance that there wasn’t anything even a bit unusual about it, not at all, and she was becoming quite handsome as she grew up, wasn’t she?

Yes, that made her quite spoiled, to have all those things, and she was grateful for her family over and above anything else.

Lily was a mechanic, and Mark flew cargo, but her father and mother had been fighter pilots, and Tracer was proud of that strong lineage, of the way she took after them in the most important and daring of ways.

She had only a few memories of her mother, Mary, but they were sweet ones. Weeding together in the tiny garden out behind the long-held Oxton rowhouse. Braiding her  hair for her first day of school. The way her father and mother had held her tight in the dark, fast tunnel of Big Thunder Mountain, and she had laughed and laughed, and her mother had proudly said she’d be such a wonderful pilot someday.

That was just before she got sick.

Her father had always told Tracer how much her mother had loved her, and how the greatest regret she had was not being able to see Tracer grow up, that even at six, Tracer was already becoming such an interesting little person, and it made Mary so upset to know she’d never see what kind of adult she would become.

Tracer always hoped she’d be proud of how she ended up.

She still remembered the day her mother died, how she’d known immediately, pretending to be asleep in the dead of night, when her father had come into her room and slumped down onto the edge of Tracer’s bed next to her, and just began to cry.

“Bottling up your feelings is a bit like kinking up an ‘ose, Lena,” he’d said once, sitting by her on the couch as she wept over a laundry list of things: a romantic disappointment, a poor mark, having yelled at her father over something trivial, “the ‘ose does eventually explode, doesn’t it? Just let it out, and then we can get on with it, love.”

She had loved her father very much. The day Bert Oxton died, a large part of Tracer’s heart shattered. She always felt bad for Winston, all these years later, for having to be the one to tell her, barely knowing her but knowing she only spoke to ask for him. No one else had the courage to tell her.

It took her weeks to try and speak again.

Bert had always made her feel that who she was, was an asset to this world, that the way her mind worked and the way she carried herself and the way she loved were all wonderful and beautiful things. That she was special, and if she worked hard, she could do incredible things.

He taught her how to work with her ADHD, how to trick her mind into doing the things she needed to do, without ever making her feel that the way she was needed to be corrected or stopped or changed. She never felt stupid with Bert, no matter how stupid the thing she did at that exact moment might have been.

She was a desperately loved child, and she never doubted this, however annoyed he might have been with her from time to time. He was always careful about that, and she teased him for the way he was careful to say “I love you, AND,” instead of “I love you, BUT” like any of that mattered. But it did, a little, that she never felt something she was doing wrong was an exception to his love. He was a kind and sentimental man, and sometimes, even all these years later, she missed him so very much it made her heart ache.

When she’d been accepted into Overwatch, her father had talked the family pub into showing the commission ceremony. The entire pub had erupted in a cheer when they announced: ‘Lena Oxton. United Kingdom.’ and she had accepted her new uniform.

If only he’d known how much he would grow to hate Overwatch in such a short amount of time.

She had been sitting with Dva on the roof one day. Dva never said much about her time in MEKA, and Tracer never asked, smart enough to know that people say what they want to about their service, and somehow she and Dva had ended up exchanging stories of people they’d lost in the military, the moment fragile as an eggshell.

And it must have been something in the beer, because 76 looked over and told her something he never had.

“I was the one who told your dad you were dead.”

He let it hang there, and Tracer found herself unable to say anything in response.

“I didn’t know you at the time, but I won’t ever forget it. He answered the door, and looked at me and…some psych recruit they had come with, and he said, ‘she’s my only child.’ Just that. And then he asked us to come inside, and told us he just needed three more minutes, that he could imagine you were alive. And he poured himself a beer, and sat down, and said, ‘alright then, tell me what you came here to tell me’” He took a drink of his beer. “I won’t ever forget it.”

Tracer never would either, after that sunset-dappled confession. Knowing how her father must have felt in that moment, knowing there was nothing he could do to stop what was happening.

She’d told him when she left for the mission that it was less than nothing, just rather top-secret.

Beatrix, her grandmother, always held that Overwatch killed her son. That their refusal to tell him, or anyone, where she went down, the way her body was never returned home, the way he fought to find out what happened to her, that had cracked the casing of Overwatch and shown some unsavory bedfellows, that the stress of it all had killed him, and so far as Bea was concerned, Overwatch was responsible.

Nobody would ever accuse Bea of being soft on anyone at all, least of all on a quasi-governmental institution. And she had loved her children fiercely, and carried that tradition to her grandchildren, and whenever Tracer had the slightest effect from her disability, Bea was the first to curse their name.

But most of what Tracer knew of her family was courage, and love, and acceptance, and it was all these things that made her as happy as she was, and as confident, and resilient. They had built a beautiful frame for her, something strong inside her that was difficult to crush, and every day, Tracer was thankful for that.

[brigdh]

A lot of reading reviews

I was unexpectedly busy for most of April, so this is several weeks' worth of reading – though weeks where I didn't have much time for reading for fun, alas. Enjoy an overabundance of reviews? What did you just finish? A Short History of Drunkenness: How, Why, Where, and When Humankind Has Gotten Merry from the Stone Age to the Present by Mark Forsyth. A shallow but funny history of humanity's relationship with booze. Brief chapters cover pretty much every historical era you'd expect: Egypt, Mesopotamia, the Greeks, the Romans, the Bible, Ancient China, Vikings, the Medieval Middle East, Medieval England, the Aztecs, colonial Australia, the Wild West, Russia, American Prohibition, and London's Gin Craze of the 1700s. That's quite the list for a book of less than three hundred pages, and indeed Forsyth is clearly focused on being amusing and easy to read more than he is on deep historical investigations – which isn't really a critique, as long as "silly and quick" is what you're looking for. (I am a bit skeptical of some of his claims, but he has footnotes to back him up; I suspect it's a case of Forsyth taking the most extreme possible side in genuine historical debates.) It's a nice collection of "hey, did-you-know" trivia, but I doubt anyone will come away with more insight on the history of alcohol than they started with. I read this as an ARC via NetGalley. Caliban's War by James S.A. Corey. The sequel to Leviathan Wakes, which I had mixed feelings about. Well, goddamn! Corey has levelled up their writing beyond my highest expectations, particularly in regards to characterization. This time around we have four PoVs. There's Holden again, who remains somewhat action-hero-y but has become far more sympathetic (possibly because he actually has idiosyncratic attributes now; I'm particularly fond of his deep attachment to a fancy coffee-maker). We're introduced to Bobbie Draper, a highly-trained marine from the Martian military and the only surviving witness of the opening salvo of the Martian-Earth war, which might actually have been an accident caused by an alien attack; she prefers battle to politics, and struggles with the question of who she should be loyal to when no one believes her or cares about the whole alien thing. Next is Chrisjen Avasarala, a tiny gray-haired grandmother with a meaningless-sounding title ("assistant to the undersecretary of executive administration") who is actually the power behind the throne of the UN, now Earth's ruling body; she smiles and snacks on pistachios in public and curses like a sailor in private, fiercely determined to ride over any opposition she encounters. And finally there's Prax – Praxidike Meng – a botanist and single father of a four-year-old daughter, more comfortable with plants or scientific reports than being social or having emotions, and completely over-his-head incompetent with the politics and violence he soon finds himself thrown into. The plot sets off when that four-year-old disappears in the conflict of war. A great many people have disappeared or died, and more than that are starving, displaced, rioting, or soon to be all of the above, so Prax is unable to get the authorities to care about one lost little girl. That is until he accidentally encounters Holden et al, and finds the team he needs to solve what increasingly becomes a deep, wide-spread mystery. Meanwhile, Avasarala and Bobbie are trying to convince the militaries of Earth and Mars to back down and focus on the real problem: possible aliens from who-knows-where, capable of doing who-knows-what. Unsurprisingly, these plots eventually intersect for a dramatic climax. I really appreciate how Corey doesn't focus on the action to the detriment of meaning. Yes, there's lots of space battles and killer aliens, but there's thoughtful insight on war and human nature too: “So you’re in an entrenched position with a huge threat coming down onto you, right?” Avasarala said, sitting down on the edge of Soren’s desk. “Say you’re on a moon and some third party has thrown a comet at you. Massive threat, you understand?” Bobbie looked at her, confused for a moment, and then, with a shrug, played along. “All right,” the marine said. “So why do you choose that moment to pick a fight with your neighbors? Are you just frightened and lashing out? Are you thinking that the other bastards are responsible for the rock? Are you just that stupid?” “We’re talking about Venus and the fighting in the Jovian system,” Bobbie said. “It’s a pretty fucking thin metaphor, yes,” Avasarala said. “So why are you doing it?” Bobbie leaned back in her chair, plastic creaking under her. The big woman’s eyes narrowed. She opened her mouth once, closed it, frowned, and began again. “I’m consolidating power,” Bobbie said. “If I use my resources stopping the comet, then as soon as that threat’s gone, I lose. The other guy catches me with my pants down. Bang. If I kick his ass first, then when it’s over, I win.” “But if you cooperate—” “Then you have to trust the other guy,” Bobbie said, shaking her head. “There’s a million tons of ice coming that’s going to kill you both. Why the hell wouldn’t you trust the other guy?” “Depends. Is he an Earther?” Bobbie said. “We’ve got two major military forces in the system, plus whatever the Belters can gin up. That’s three sides with a lot of history. When whatever’s going to happen on Venus actually happens, someone wants to already have all the cards.” “And if both sides—Earth and Mars—are making that same calculation, we’re going to spend all our energy getting ready for the war after next.” “Yep,” Bobbie said. “And yes, that’s how we all lose together.” Caliban's War is a incredible page-turner of a book, with wonderfully engaging characters, detailed worldbuilding, and enough substance to give the action weight. Plus, how can you not like a book where the bad guy turns out to be the military-industrial complex? Also there is a hell of a cliffhanger ending to this book. I'm really glad I didn't have to wait a year for the sequel to be published. Abaddon's Gate by James S.A. Corey. The sequel to Caliban's War, part 3 of The Expanse series. The plot is becoming hard to talk about without spoiling the previous books, so if you don't want to know what happened, stop reading here. The inexplicable alien presence (is it a virus? An AI? something else?) first encountered in the first book of the series has constructed a giant ring far out on the edges of the solar system. Earth, Mars, and the Outer Planet Alliance (OPA, a loose conglomerate of the various colonies on other planets, moons, and asteroids) have each sent ships to study it, but the only thing anyone can tell is that it seems to be a gate to somewhere else. Until, of course, plot events send several ships accidentally through it and into a truly alien, nicely creepy other-place, where even the laws of physics are mutable and prone to abruptly changing. Meanwhile, Holden is visited by Miller, who died in the first book and whose appearance/personality/knowledge the alien presence seems to have co-opted as a face for itself. Unfortunately trying to communicate across the barriers of species and millions of lightyears is just as difficult as it sounds, and what Miller manages to say comes across as garbled nonsense, often intelligible only after whatever he was warning about has already happened. The climax of the book goes small-scale, with two sides battling for control of a single spaceship, crawling through tunnels and fighting hand-to-hand. It's a striking change from the previous books that ended in giant confrontations with hundreds of ships while being just as exciting. Once again we have a new set of PoVs (except for Holden, who continues on), and though I desperately missed Avasarala, Bobbie, and Prax, I have to admit these new guys were pretty fun too. First off is Clarissa Mao, the sister of Julie Mao (now dead from the alien zombie virus) and daughter of Jules-Pierre Mao (now imprisoned for life for war crimes, due to turning the alien virus into a bioweapon and trying to sell it to the highest bidder). Her once-powerful and crazy-wealthy family is disgraced and scattered, and Clarissa blames James Holden personally. She's determined to get revenge – not just to kill him, but to ruin him and his reputation, and make all the galaxy doubt his previous actions –  and she doesn't care how many other people have to die to make that happen. To get to Holden, she disguises herself as a nobody, an electrochemical technician on a minor spaceship, and finds herself spending every day dealing with people and problems that were once far beneath her notice. There's also Bull – Carlos Baca – head of security for the main spaceship of the OPA navy. Although Bull is far more experienced and sensible than either the captain or XO, he finds himself relegated to third in command because he grew up on Earth rather than in the Asteroid Belt, and Earthers are visibly distinct from Belters; it's a bit like getting demoted because you're the 'wrong' race, and it would look politically bad for you to be in charge. After an accident halfway through the book, Bull becomes paraplegic. I thought the handling of his disability was mostly well-done, and seeing a big, physically-imposing guy deal with being unable to use strength to enforce his will was an interesting twist. Finally we have my favorite character of this book: Annushka Volovodov, or Pastor Anna. She's a tiny, non-drinking, politically-unconnected, small-town Methodist preacher, determinedly pacifistic and married to a woman. She ends up heading to the Ring when Earth decides to send a team of artists, poets, philosophers, and religious leaders along with the scientists and military, mainly to show off that it can afford to do so, though theoretically to interpret the meaning of an alien presence. I can't imagine a character less likely to end up as the star of a space-opera thriller than a lesbian pastor who just wants everybody to stop fighting, you guys, seriously, why don't we talk about forgiveness and maybe organize a Sunday service with grape juice and a sermon about coming together?, and yet it works incredibly, unexpectedly well. I love Anna so much, and continue to be deeply impressed at the diversity of personalities Corey has written after a first book that was fairly disappointing in that regard. They even seem to be particularly good at writing women who are very different from one another but are all well-rounded, believable, and fascinating, and I would never have seen that coming. The world-building continues to be really well-done. I particularly enjoyed the many scenes set on the Behemoth, an enormous spaceship originally built to be a colony ship for Mormons but retrofitted due to necessity into a warship. The murals of Jesus and angels providing a backdrop for war counsels and weapons storage are maybe a too-obvious irony, but one that never failed to make me laugh. I didn't love Abaddon's Gate quite as much Caliban's War, mostly because the characters here were very good but just not as spectacularly wonderful as before. But that's a relatively minor criticism, and overall I admire Corey's focus on petty, recognizable human squabbling even in the face of worldchanging developments. I'm looking forward to the next book already. Confessions of the Fox by Jordy Rosenberg. What is this? Well, a damn hard book to review, to start. On one level we have what is presented as the 'recently discovered autobiography' of Jack Sheppard, real-life petty thief and escapee from jail in early 1700s London. Sheppard lived fast and died young, then proceeded to become an enormously famous figure in English folklore, probably most recognizable today as the inspiration for "The Ballad of Mack the Knife" in The Threepenny Opera. But Confessions of the Fox is in fact a novel, and though it otherwise mostly stays close to the facts and dates (as we know them) of Jack's life, here Jack is a transman, his girlfriend Bess is the daughter of a South Asian man who was press-ganged by the East India Company before escaping into an independant communal society hidden away in the fens of East Anglia, and his best friend Aurie is a black gay man. Just to be clear, I am all for this presentation of a multiracial queer history. A second level of story is presented through footnotes, much like House of Leaves (though infinitely less confusing than that book, since we only have two levels of story here rather than the four or five in House of Leaves). This narrator is Dr R. Voth, a professor of English literature who is editing Jack's "autobiography" for publication and who is a transman himself. Voth alternates between telling mundane stories of his life – his ex, his job troubles, his attempts to ask out a neighbor – and citing genuine academic sources to provide context for Jack's story. Voth is fictional but his sources are not, which makes for an unsettling mixture of truth and imagination; I think I would have assumed the academic footnotes were also fictional if I hadn't happened to recognize several early ones. I've read Gretchen Gerzina's Black London: Life Before Emancipation and Walter Johnson's Soul by Soul: Life Inside the Antebellum Slave Market, among others, and seeing them mentioned by a fictional character was like water to the face, confusing my assumption of what was real and what wasn't. As the story goes on, "P-Quad Publishers and Pharmaceuticals" in association with "Militia.edu" attempts to take control of Jack's autobiography and Voth's work on it, leading both levels of Confessions of the Fox to become critiques of the commodification of the body and its experiences, capitalism in general, the history of the discovery and modern patenting of synthetic testosterone, and how historical biographies enter (or, more often, don't enter) the archive. Which leaves us in an odd place. If you didn't instantly recognize what I meant by The Archive in that previous line, if you're one of the vast majority of humans on Earth who haven't read Appadurai's "Commodities and the Politics of Value", then I'm not sure this book is interested in talking to you. Certainly if Rosenberg ever bothered to explain any of these concepts in an introductory way I missed it. On the other hand, if you, like me, are an overeducated liberal who can nod pretentiously at sentences like "A commodity is an entity without qualities", then I'm not sure Confessions of the Fox has anything new to say to you. It restates various queer, postcolonial, and Marxist theories without adding anything to them or combining them in interesting ways. Like, sure, we all agree with Foucault that prisons form the model for surveillance and discipline by the wider society, but so what? Dosomething with that idea, expand upon it, challenge it, or else there's no reason to read Rosenberg's book if you've already read Foucault's. So then who is Confessions of the Fox for? I have genuinely no idea. The love story between Jack and Bess or the adventure of Jack's exploits should have been enough to carry their half of the story. I love me a good historical thriller of criminals and the whores they adore. But we didn't really get that here; we see Jack and Bess's first meeting and first night spent together, but then we jump ahead to them as an already established relationship without seeing how they grow together and build trust and affection. Similarly, we never see Jack learn to pick pockets or burglar houses; he's just an innocent apprentice and then suddenly a famously skilled thief. He meets Aurie once and then we're told they're brothers-in-arms without ever seeing their friendship. Etc. In addition to all this, it's hard to love characters who are more living examples of theories than they are three-dimensional people, particularly when they keep bursting into dialogue like this example: Bess stood, speaking to the entire room. “Plague’s an excuse they’re using to police us further!” She looked out. Most continued to quaff and quarrel amongst themselves. “All of you! They’re panicking the people delib’rately. It’s a securitizational furor they’re raising to put more centinels on the streets. Can’t you see that?” It's not even that I disagree with the concept of "security theater", but it's not good fiction to have your characters straight-up define it, and then POINTING OUT IN A FOOTNOTE THAT THE 1720-ISH DATE WOULD MAKE HER THE FIRST TO DO SO IS EVEN WORSE, OH MY GOD, DON'T PRAISE YOUR OWN FICTIONAL CHARACTERS FOR THE MODERN LANGUAGE YOU GAVE THEM. Ahhh, I don't know. I agree with all of Confessions of the Fox's politics, I want to support histories (fictional or not) with more accurate, multiracial, and queer portrayals of the past, and I've certainly read far, far worse books, but in the end I just didn't much enjoy this. The worst I can say is that it's unengaging; I found my attention constantly drifting whenever I tried to read, and even put it down for a few weeks before finally coming back to finish it. But no matter what its good intentions, that doesn't make for a book I'd recommend. In the end Confessions of the Fox has a fantastic concept, but unfortunately doesn't pull off the execution. I read this as an ARC via NetGalley. What are you currently reading? The Pride of Chanur by C.J. Cherryh. sholio is going to be hosting a tumblr book club, if anyone else wants to read along!

[DW link for easier commenting]

[secretgiftsforshaman]

I wrote 2826 entire words before I collapsed last night

I have been seriously struggling this academic quarter. And I seriously struggled last academic quarter. As I did in undergrad, and in high school, junior high, and elementary. But I do not have any learning disabilities. And you have some idea of how smart I am in general, but I’ll share one specific example about just how very academically intelligent I am. On the SAT, I scored 700 in reading, 730 in writing, and 780 in math and I did not study for it. I spent most of the test bored and waiting for the allotted time to run out because I finished nearly every section way early. Early enough that at one point I had enough time to leisurely leave and use the restroom and came back before everyone else had finished. The only reason I did not score a perfect 800 in math because I missed *exactly* one question. I can still remember and visualize exactly which one it was – and only I missed it because it was the second to last one of the last math section and my brain read the word ‘diameter’ and was tired enough that my brain went ‘oh cool, radius’ even though I could have easily solved that problem when I was 11 or 12 (if you haven’t already gone “wow, she’s got some serious perfectionism issues” then now would be a good time for you to do so).

All of this to say: it has never been a question of not being able to understand the content. Very, very rarely in my entire scholastic lifetime have I ever not understood what was being taught to me. It is – and always has been – a matter of not being able to sit down and do the work.

One of the rubs of being so smart (especially when also socially inept – I don’t think I’ve ever had a formal diagnosis, but I would be astonished to learn if I wasn’t somewhere on the autism spectrum) is that your sense of self-worth is all too easily conflated with your intelligence and academic performance, placing massive pressure on yourself to be good at school, ‘cause that’s one of the few things I was reliably good at. 

Most of my school-age bullies, particularly the loudest ones, were just as smart as I was: all enrolled in the same accelerated classes, but they didn’t struggle the way I did, and they definitely saw it, and made sure I knew they did. They could all do their homework and turn things in on time, but I just couldn’t sit down and do even the simplest assignments sometimes – let alone the big projects and reports, not without crippling deadline pressure. My parents and teachers also tended to view the situation as if there was some kind of issue with me, too: that I was lazy/disorganized/not ‘applying myself’/needed discipline and punishment and then I’d be fine – alllll of that unhelpful bullshit.

Nobody thought that I wasn’t smart enough, though. Clearly, I was always great on tests: sit me down and ask me what I know and if there’s a definitive correct answer then odds are good that I knew what it was, so I excelled in math and science, and I took great comfort from knowing what I was doing and working familiar problems over and over. But having to go find sources for research and report on something or answer essay style questions – anything subjective or humanities-ish – was my kryptonite. I couldn’t ever say “this is enough information, this is complete and I’m done now” – once I started searching I’d drown in all of the information available and not be able to pull myself out with just enough to get the job done. I would become paralyzed simply by the thought of needing to sit down and do schoolwork, so I’d avoid it and distract myself with reading or anything else BUT schoolwork. And if I ever fell behind (which ALWAYS happened because that’s what happens when your avoidant coping is your default), then it was like pouring anti-napalm on everything: I’d be even more frozen and unable to function, like cold terrified acid licking through my veins. I have been a student most of my life – 21 and a half years to date – and the entire fucking time I’ve been limping along like this, always hoping at the start of each new term that This Time, somehow, I could Just Do It Already The Way I Should Be Able To, but over and over that optimism has crumbled to ashes in that undying flame of fear, paralysis, self-disgust, and despair.

I am able, now, to identify and name what I have suffered from my entire life, the condition that I was made to carry so much crippling SHAME for, that I learned to hide almost completely from all of my loved ones for over a decade so nobody would see that shame and decide to think less of me.

I have anxiety and complex PTSD. 

Where one ends and the other begins isn’t worth the effort of trying to tease them apart. The DSM-5 is an imperfect tool and no diagnosis is a uniform monolith – anxiety, PTSD, depression, and every other name of every other illness is merely a professional shorthand for “all/most of these symptoms are present.” It makes much more sense to treat my anxiety and PTSD as a single condition. Moreover, I have a strong suspicion that my endocrine disorder, PCOS, was triggered by the chronic stress/elevated cortisol and insulin (because one of the most socially acceptable ways for our nervous systems to regulate and soothe themselves when under stress is with food), and if it isn’t completely just part of the same thing, then it’s LARGELY overlapping with the anxiety/PTSD (I know that my mother and grandmother suffered in a very similar way in school, and I know that the PCOS is tied to inherited/ancestral trauma, so it makes every kind of sense if the anxiety/PTSD that we all have is related as well). 

I have had a generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis on my chart for years, and I’ve known, in my rational brain, that I’ve needed to get it under control to feel better and function in school (and to be honest, with almost all other professional/adulting things too). But thinking about what I need and actually DOING something about it are such utterly different things. It has only been in the past few weeks that I have been able to admit to myself that I need real, professional help to overcome this condition – and to ask for and start receiving that help. There is a big culture in my family, especially us women, about ignoring our own issues and focusing on helping other people first (I know I must have written to you about this before), so this has been a massive step for me. 

For a while I’ve been struggling to stay on top of my classes, and have fallen behind in all four of them, and the feeling of being overwhelmed has only increased exponentially. I’ve wanted, desperately, to go to an emotional ER so many times the past month, so much so that I found myself wanting (and knowing on a deep level that my body needs) some kind of pharmaceutical support to get me through the fucking day and allow me to do some of the massive, teetering pile of backlogged work. Upon hearing about my experiences of paralysis and dysfunction, and scoring very high on the anxiety diagnosis questionnaire she used, my doc, who rarely reaches for her Rx pad off the bat, suggested putting me on Clonidine (non-addictive, originally developed for hypertension) especially after my double-checked at-home blood pressure reading was 154/80 (which is consistent with STAGE 2 HYPERTENSION in an otherwise healthy and young TWENTY-NINE YEAR OLD for fucks sake)(insert emojis denoting ABJECT PANIC here).

I am comforted by the fact that my doctor, who I’ve seen since I was a tweenager, has shifted in the past few years to specialize in treating addiction and substance dependency, so if there’s anybody who I can trust to medicate me without causing a chemical dependence it’s her (thank GODDESS). Dr. M agrees with my perspective that the meds are just a temporary measure to alleviate my symptoms enough to function, and that the true treatment is the therapy work that I’ve been trying to do for myself, but there’s only so much you can do all by your lonesome, no matter how many self-help books you read (and goodness knows I’ve read a TON).

So I also finally started seeing a therapist (!), and just admitting some of this out loud to another person has been so profoundly healing. Our second session was this past Wednesday, and I was able to start opening up and telling her that I think my anxiety traces back to ancestral trauma and how I feel called to use a bottom-up, somatic approach (hence my recent interest in shamanism, ritual, soul retrieval, transpersonal psychology, etc., which she’s totally accepting of; again, THANK GODDESS).

One of the many many many self-help books that I’ve had my nose in is “The Instinct to Heal: Curing Depression, Anxiety, and Stress Without Drugs and Without Talk Therapy” by David Servan-Schreiber, MD, PhD (which I started reading like a day before I finally admitted that I needed to take drugs and do talk therapy *laughing at myself emoji here*). Servan-Schreiber beautifully articulated the relationship between our neocortex: the newly, highly developed, outer portions of the brain where our logic, reason, cognition, and consciousness arise from, and our limbic system: the older, more primitive inner section of our brains that controls our unconscious, autonomic physiological processes (like breathing, digestion, heart rate, etc.), trauma, instinct, intuition, and emotion, and is therefore far more deeply and intensely connected to the body (and bodily held memories) than the neocortex. 

I’ve been running around in my rational, conscious, neocortex mind *thinking* about all of my issues and traumas and everything for ages, and I understand so much about these things on that rational level – but that is miles away from the irrational, unconscious, limbic bodymind where all of those traumas actually ARE and continue to play out over and over as if they’re still happening. This is something that my therapist helped me understand – our neocortex understands that this is a different time and the thing that happened in the past is over and done and we’re safe now, but the limbic system has no sense of time. In our irrational reptile brains, everything still exists the same as it did all those years ago as if it never stopped happening. THIS is where our inner wounded child lives, where a soul fragment likely fled from for safety in the midst of the unendurable whatever-it-was that precipitated the trauma response, and where the empty spot is where it needs to be called back to still resides, open and waiting and longing. 

THIS is why I’ve felt called towards the irrational, mystical, shamanic modes of healing: I’ve done as much as I can with my rational mind, which cannot be used to solve an irrational problem or heal an irrational wound, which is what all trauma is. A couple of weeks ago, when I asked you for your help as a shaman with conducting a soul retrieval, this is the kind of work that I was starting to realize that I need to do. The crazy Thing That I Did that I told you about (and meant to describe for you more at the time but I was exhausted and desperately needed the rest instead) was a small and beautiful spontaneous retrieval of a part of me when I was seven, a part that was thirteen, and a part of me as a young infant that I brought to my own breast in recognition that I was both deserving of my own love, nourishment, and care, and capable of being a loving, heart-centered parent to myself. I felt all of the past, younger versions of me that I’ve already been gathered in concentric circles within me, and all of the older versions of me that I’ve not yet been spiraling around me, and my ancestors and guides and spirits and all of the love and kindness that anyone has ever directed towards me gathered around all of me like a compassionate embrace, and I think that it was that experience that gave me just enough of my soul back, just enough juice and magic that I could start digging my teeth in and taking the steps I needed to take to seek treatment and get my legs back underneath me.

As amazing and beautiful as that experience was, it wasn’t everything that I need in order to heal. I want to do a soul retrieval/healing ritual to unfreeze the part of me (and the part of my mother, grandmother, and other ancestors) that is stuck in that root trauma – where the anxiety, complex PTSD, PCOS - where all of that junk stems from. I don’t yet have much sense at all what that’s gonna look like, but I know that it’s gonna be the biggest damn spell I’ve ever cast, and that I don’t think I can cast it alone. Watch this space.

I do think, though, that preparing for that is the thing to do for now, by accumulating small things on multiple fronts – growing my strength, calling back small parts of me, telling more and more loved ones about my truth, chipping away at the stack of things to do, continuing with meds and therapy, contacting my professors and possibly the department/program admin (with a letter from Dr. M in hand documenting my diagnosis and treatment) to let them know that I need help I’m figuring out how to make up for assignments that I haven’t turned in and make sure that I can continue next quarter and not get kicked out of the program. I’m still carrying a lot of fear of failure/expulsion around this (and anxiety = paralysis = inaction for me, even though I desperately want to fix it) – especially after handling myself so badly in a similar situation at the end of last quarter. When you’ve got a minute, I’d appreciate a pep talk about broaching the subject with them.

All in all, I’m doing well and things are looking up in a way I’ve NEEDED them to start looking up for literal decades. I’ve even been able to start telling my mother about how badly I’ve been doing (she knows I’ve seen my doctor and started therapy and meds) and allowing her to see that pain and struggle after years of hiding it from her out of shame has been scary but such a relief. But Goddess Knows I’ve got A LOT to do still. Just cause I’ve finally struck a match and can navigate a little better doesn’t mean I’m out of the dungeon yet.

I began the meds just yesterday, and I’ve spent the day decompressing (never been a better time for me to have a few days all to myself kitten-sitting for some friends while they go to a tiny, COVID-regulation compliant thanksgiving visit with their family in Portland). Drowsiness is a listed side effect of Clonidine, and I was really worried that my prescribed dose was too high after being soooooo tired yesterday and today after I took the pills, but my increasing suspicion is that I’ve just been so high-strung and hypervigilant (hello super premature hypertension!) that the anti-anxiety/BP-lowering drug just uncovered the chronic e x h a u s t I o n that was already (always) there, rather than them making me drowsy when I wasn’t. So I’ve spent the day eating my friend’s leftovers (she’s an AMAZING cook) and cat napping with the two sweetest little troublemakers you ever did see (I’ll send pics!). 

I think that FINALLY being able to relax like this was what helped me to begin to be receptive and start opening up (and connecting with you!) again. Anxiety = I clam up, my libido nosedives, and my pelvic tightness/vaginal armoring gets painful and rigid – all bad prospects for wild, sexy, blooming Love-Lust-and-Light fun. I was so glad to reconnect with you – and that you reminded me that I need to get this out and I can process it and heal it by sharing it with you – that our Sacred Space is still there for me to use and pour my pain and magic and consciousness out into.

I think that’s all the most important developments. I’m excited to hear all about all of your new developments, processing, perspectives too. 

And now I’m gonna go to bed. One nap today was NOT enough to recover from  goddess-knows-how-long-I’ve-had-this chronic fatigue. I’ll talk to you soon

I love you, Άδης

Your Εκάτε <3

[angelaxmontalbano]

i remember the entire day that it happened. i think about it so much that it leaves me uncomfortable. i remember that i had just gotten to work for my 5:00 shift at mighty quinn’s in my new honda civic that i had literally just driven off the lot. it was my first car. i was so excited. it was the beginning of summer and i had just gotten great marks on my GED test. i felt happy for maybe the first time in my life. i loved my job and my boyfriend and i had money to spend on things i wanted. i had friends and they wanted to celebrate with me. these are the last memories i have of feeling good, of feeling optimistic about the future, about life, about me. so, i had just gotten to work, and i checked my phone. i had a missed call from my grandmother, who lived with me and my dad in our apartment. my dad was in florida visiting his estranged wife, with whom me and my grandmother both had strained relations, to put it mildly. i was worried she may have needed something or that it was an emergency, so i called her right back. i remember asking her if she was okay, if she had fallen, because she had done that a few times. i remember her telling me to come home right away. i remember trying to explain to her that i had just gotten to work and i wouldn’t be home until much later, and asking her again if everything was okay. she wouldn’t tell me anything. she told me to put my manager on the phone. i remember the sharp pang of fear in my chest, but i didn’t know what i was afraid of yet. but i knew something was very wrong. i found my manager, sheila, and put her on the phone with my grandmother. i remember the way sheila looked at me, and exactly how she said it to me, and what she said. “go home, angela.” i was out of there so fast that i didn’t even take my apron off. or my work hat. i got in my car and i called daniel, my boyfriend at the time. and i told him about what was going on. and i remember his voice on the phone, nicely telling me that everything was probably okay and to just focus on driving. i remember telling him, “i think it’s about my dad.” i don’t know why, but i really felt it deep down that that’s what it was about. i felt sick to my stomach with dread. i told myself i was being anxious, overthinking. daniel tried to tell me everything was okay. i got to our apartment. i walked up the stairs. my grandmother was sitting on the arm of the couch by the kitchen, next to the landline phone. i remember everything that happens next like a reel of film in my mind playing over and over again. she looked at me with the saddest eyes i’ve ever seen in another person. i always will remember her voice, her face. her eyes when she said this to me. “angela. oh, angela. your father died.” i covered my mouth. i yelled at her. i told her she was a liar and kept asking her why she was lying to me. suddenly i realized that i couldn’t physically stand up. i looked around our apartment. at my dad’s clothes, his underwear, his watch on the table. his tv. his bags, the decorations, his sneakers. everything suddenly looked wrong. it didn’t feel like home anymore. every single item there was now just an item and belonged to nobody. in a second. within a minute of her telling me this, i stumbled out of the apartment. i fumbled down the stairs, holding the wall and grabbing at it to keep from falling down. i was screaming. neighbors from other apartments came out. i heard my grandmother’s voice from down the hall begging me to come back. i remember being in the stairwell, looking down at my apron covered in sweet potatoes. i looked up at the window. my vision was blurred. i couldn’t think. i was in a frozen state of disbelief where nothing could be processed. some lady who came out of her apartment kept asking me if i was okay. what was going on. i told her my father just died. i kept saying it. i remember she felt so bad that she disappeared into her apartment. i wandered back up the stairs after some time. i heard my grandmother talking to someone on the phone. i heard: “they found him slumped...” “i told him not to go running today, i told him. it was just too damn hot.” these mental images physically cut into my material body. they hurt. i told her to shut up. that word, slumped, haunted me. they found him slumped.... this strong, healthy, fit man that was my father, a man who went running more than once a day for over 40 years and could drop and do 250 push-ups on command. this man who took care of himself and taught me the value of it every day, who taught me how to play basketball, softball, baseball, and tennis. who wanted to be an athlete since childhood. this man who never smoked in his life, never abused his body. believed in integrity, in hard work, and thought laziness was evil. this wise, brilliant man who worked hard as a lawyer for so long, who was my best friend. the person who loved me for who i am. the only person. the only one who could pull me out of a mood. the only one who could get me to smile when i felt hysterical. my face lit up when this man entered a room. i loved this man more than i loved myself. he followed me as i drove in my own car to take my GED test only a few weeks prior just to make sure i got there safely. my best friend. THEY FOUND HIM SLUMPED. i suddenly realized something. my sister. my sister hadn’t found out yet. i called my sister, intending to tell her to come to the apartment right away. i remember calling her crying my eyes out, unable to compose myself in any way. she told me she was by the mall, on the highway. she asked me if everything was okay. my selfishness overcame me and i wanted her comfort and love so badly that i told her over the phone. i told her that daddy died. i will regret telling her that way for the rest of my life but i couldn’t even think straight. i was on the floor of the apartment. i couldn’t move. i kept my face down at the ground, trying to tell myself that i had to be here for my grandmother and my sister. daniel was on his way over, too. the neighbor lady from earlier came back and gave me a cupcake. i remember when my grandmother told me that they approximated his death to have occurred at around 12:15 in the afternoon. i went into my messages with my dad in my phone and saw a text i sent at 11:48 that morning that said: “hi daddy!!”. when i read those words, something sharp inside me started hurting. my heart felt like it was just bleeding. cut open and raw. the pain was never ending. he never replied to me. he never would again. i deleted the conversation without at all thinking about how priceless that would have been to me later. i deleted it because it made the hair on my skin rise. i remember going to the kitchen, looking around at all the things my dad had left behind. i opened the fridge and saw a reese’s peanut butter cup i bought for him a few days prior because it was his favorite candy. i thought about it rotting there and full of mold because it would never be eaten now. i wanted to just take a knife and cut my face open with it. 

that pang of fear that hit my chest when my grandmother and i talked over the phone, it’s still here in my chest. and bless her sweet, lovely soul, now my grandmother is dead too. and my beautiful sweet aunt vicki. that feeling of your heart being open and raw and bleeding forever, it’s still here. the pain and trauma of this still has me completely in its grasp. my whole family, completely gone. i can’t remember feeling anything but this fear, pain, and confusion anymore. i haven’t stopped feeling it since june 19, 2015. it’s december 17, 2019 now and i’m turning 24 in two days. 

most of the time i just wish i was with my dad, my grandmother, and my aunt vicki. most of the time that’s just where home seems to be now. wherever they are. in the ground somewhere. gone. there goes my heart. there goes my everything. i miss being me. i miss being angela and not having fear. i miss when i used to have friends and be happy and talk to people. i just want my life back but i know it’s all gone. tell me how you’re supposed to keep going on with this inside of you all day every day. tell me why no one understands how i feel and now everyone who’s left just feels sorry for me. people say they’re sorry all the time to you once something like this happens to you. they look at you like you’re some kind of orphan or disabled person. 

just. why? and where do i go now?

i don’t even want thursday to come. not if my daddy won’t be here to tell me happy birthday