#fake it til you make it kind of mindset. it really worked for me! but she gave up the being positive thing like first week

[foxcassius]

i've been really determined to be positive about this job and i think it is paying off, i am getting things done (even if i have to stay late) and i still feel happy and ready to go to work every day and no single class or single hour of the day feels heavy or unbearable. but i feel like katie is not being positive and is taking some stuff too personally and being too like aggressive from the get-go about some things and whenever she complains idk what to say bc i really refuse to commiserate bc that will start to make me miserable but i also dont want to tell her "take it up with management and do something about it or stop complaining" bc that sounds mean but genuinely. most things she just needs to talk to the respective management about bc its not going to get fixed if she complains to me yknow.

[afniel]

Hey so this came up talking to my buddies who are in charge of hiring at their workplace yesterday, and I know taking Advice About Employment from someone who hasn't been employed in mumble mumble years is on its face a little stupid-sounding, but if you're at the interview stage and you've heard that you should ask questions but you're not sure what and also you're sure you're going to be nervous:

Interview the interviewer.

Seriously. The more you can shift your mindset from, "oh gods if I can't get this paycheck I don't know what I'll do," to, "I might not even want this job, but I'm going to interview this person and find out if it's right for me," the better. And obviously you still do need the paycheck and you might still take a job you don't want, but your confidence in the interview will skyrocket if you can pull this mental switch on yourself.

Take notes throughout. No, really, bring paper or a notebook and something nice to write with, and jot things down. If they raise an eyebrow (they shouldn't!) just tell them you're making notes on what you want to double back and ask them about. This shows you're an engaged listener and also polite enough to not interrupt, but firm enough to not let questions slide entirely.

When you get to the end and they ask you if you have any questions, this is where you ask them about workplace culture and their own job and performance. What's it like working there? How is onboarding handled? How is communication handled? If it's a shift job, what's the procedure for finding coverage? Is there room to advance? Do they promote from within? Most of the questions they ask you about past jobs are fair game for you to ask them about their current job too, like: What challenges do they face at work? Daily? Monthly? Long-term? What do they enjoy about the workplace? What would they change about it? Depending on the type of work you can ask them about what kinds of projects, cases, clients, etc. are typical and have they had any atypical ones, and how were those handled?

Seriously, the more you ask from the point of view that the interview is a fully equitable, two-way process, the better. Obviously in many ways it's not, but again, this isn't about the reality, this is about Performing Confidence. They want to see if you're a good fit for them, and vice versa, you want to see if they're a good fit for you.

Again, yes, I haven't been employed for...timespan that I'd actually have to do math on. Despite being an introverted weirdo with a not very impressive CV, though, the last time I had a job, I beat 250+ applicants for a job that I had no real prior experience in, mainly on the strength of my interview, which I basically treated like a fun little jaunt up to San Francisco to see if this was a place that I felt like working. Not in a flippant way, but still. I don't remember being stressed at all. I mostly remember getting lunch afterwards and it was soup in a sourdough bread bowl. Did I have nerves? Eh! Probably! Dunno! I mostly had broccoli cheddar soup and a job offer after a few more days.

Like yes there's no magical way to guarantee success at any given interview, but I have a surprising number of friends who handle interviewing and hiring and they are always praying for people who can do this in an interview. This is as close to a silver bullet as you can get. Being engaged and asking questions is THEE ONE THING they most want in interviewees but they very rarely get it.

So yeah fake it 'til you make it, but fake it in a very specific way where actually you're interviewing them to see if their job offer would be a good fit for you, not the other way around. You can, in fact, say, "I don't think this place will be a good fit for me at this moment, but thank you so much for your time." Yeah, you probably won't, but the point is that it's a real option and remembering that is empowering. Shift the focus of power in the process, even if it's just in your own mind, because I guarantee it's not just in your own mind if you can do it.

[breesays]

Life is a highway?

I forgot how much I loved driving to think, driving to work things out. When I (finally) got my license (21) and I lived in OC, I would drive up and down PCH - sometimes to silence, sometimes to music. Or maybe I didn’t forget, I just didn’t have access to it. Everything has been maps and efficiency and $20 for parking since I moved to Los Angeles. 

I do walk and hike to think. But I lost driving and I think the clouds and the air and the surroundings lend itself to a certain mindset.

I thought a lot today, during our 6-hour commute from Mountain View, about how I quit nostalgia in 2015. I met Tim in 2014, and I really thought it was the best thing to do at the time. A lot of my life as a writer has been digging into and drawing from past experiences, but I decided to make a hard line. I stopped reflecting, I didn’t listen to older music, I changed my name. I thought I could make a new me, a new future. 

I packed away those journals, made new playlists. No one told Tim that when I was asked if I wanted to get married, I replied, “I want a wedding.” 

I’ve thought so much about the time I begged my Dad for some connections for Jeff (1st bf) and he said, “I thought you didn’t like people.” I’ve thought about it so much I’m pretty sure it was woven into my wedding speech. My Dad is gone, but maybe he knew me better than I knew myself. He had three daughters, a whole family before us. He knew I was different. 

The frustrating thing is, I knew I was different. 

I thought I could fake it til I made it. I thought I could dull, water down my personality enough that I could just pass for someone else. A thread of apathy. Fatigue. It was a disservice to Tim and to all the relationships I tried to create or maintain before it, but I didn’t know any other way. I knew I wanted to share experiences, banter, to secure some kind of a bond. 

There was never any opt-out for sex, do you understand? That was the pinnacle of intimacy, all you have left. 3 dates or 3 months or 7 years past, it was an offering, a bridge. Why did the ace have sex? To get to the other side of the relationship.

I’ve forced myself into so many relationships because the dude made me laugh and that released some kind of chemical in my brain that said “spend more time with this human.” One of the humans I wanted to spend the most time with was one I felt I worked well with. I’ve never thought, “I want to have sex with this person” and it was alarming to me that this thought occurs to other people. I like that he had a language and I had a language and he could translate mine -- that brought me so much joy. “bree speak”

When things are sharp and clear,  I don’t want to negotiate with my bodily autonomy. But, it’s a tool. And so is blackout drinking. 

The thing I want to do is be there for those 5th graders who know their own mind. I’m not saying a detour is not worthy. Desmond has an incredible origin story now. But I’m choosing to view my experiences through a lens of humor and philosophy. I’m reframing. The journey is not without its pain points. We didn’t know any better, but now we do.

[pynkhues]

Hi! Do you have any tips or advice on how to improve self esteem? Like how do you go from low self esteem to high self esteem. Thanks!

Hi! I'm sorry if you're struggling with self esteem, anon. It can be a tricky thing to navigate, especially if you're finding you're discouraging yourself from pursuing opportunities for growth and connection as a result of it.

My advice I guess is kind of three-fold:

Know that any new skill, any new connection, any new mindset requires an investment both in the self and in the thing you're seeking to develop. Nothing ever changes overnight, and finding ways to love the journey even when you don't love the moment is pretty crucial.

Find community and surround yourself with people who will show up for you, and who you will show up for in turn.

Fake it til you make it.

I think self-esteem is something that needs to be nurtured, especially when developing new skills or forming new connections. As a result, I think holding yourself accountable while also treating yourself gently as you work on your mindset is really important.

Don't turn off the voice in the back of your head that tries to shut you down - I think that can stymie self-reflection a lot of the time, which in turn obstructs growth - but get better at arguing with it. Ask it why, tell it off, remind it of the things you know you're good at, the happiness you bring to those around you, the last thing you did that you're proud of.

I think goal setting in that sense can be good. If your low self-esteem is around a particular activity, you can set small daily, weekly or monthly goals to measure growth, whether that be in a word count or - if you're like me and have spent a year learning how to do a shoulder stand, haha, - how far you can get your arse off your yoga mat. These little achievements can serve as good reminders of your progress and help build your confidence around certain activities.

Finding community in friends, in a class, in a teacher (I could not have finished my year with my dodgy but successful shoulder stand without my yoga instructor!), in family, in an online FaceBook group or Discord can also help you to find encouragement, support and guidance too.

And yeah, I think it's always worth remembering that everyone's really in the same boat. Nobody entirely knows what they're doing, and trying to pitch your confidence for where you want it to be instead of where it is can often help to get you there.

[rouge-the-bat]

i followed u bc ur fearless and i wish to be like that so bad. u don't seem to be afraid of anything or someone saying something mean. i was bullied relentlessly throughout school and now im terrified to be my true self. ur just rlly rlly cool <333

im really sorry to hear you had to go through that D: i can never understand how people can be so hateful and judgy towards others, especially to the point of making someone feel like they need to hide themselves... i always want to try to inspire others to love themselves and express themselves how they want, because its always been a point of joy for me that i want others to experience too

though, i cant say im completely fearless- everyone has fears! i just have grown up with a huge ego, proudness of being weird, and a complete no-shit-taking attitude (which i likely got from my mom tbh, she doesnt take shit either), so thats kind of merged into a pretty good defense specifically against people trying to be assholes to me- so one of my fears just isnt that.

my reaction to people sending me hate has mostly just been either 1. roll my eyes and ignore, 2. laugh at them, or 3. get pissed off- and most of the time its the former two. if someone hates me, i consider that a loss for them because theyre really missing out on hanging with a real cool bitch ;p

ive had ppl come up saying they wish to be like that too, and i wish i knew of a specific way to get into this sort of mindset, but since ive always had it im not entirely sure how to gain it. but for one, i think its good to at least surround yourself with more people who are confident and unabashedly themselves- and encourage that in others- because being surrounded with that sort of energy i think can rub off on people eventually.

and sometimes also, it can be kind of fun to try mimicing a personality type like youre acting out a character. im not sure if itd work for everyone, but it can potentially start becoming internalized over time- sort of a "fake it til you make it" approach lol. i try it for things on occasion (like when im wanting to resemble a bit more of some favorite characters) until it starts feeling more natural to me!

also im glad i can be admired in this sort of way ;w; it feels nice that people can look at me and think "I Wanna Be Like That"... i hope being around me can help even a little for you to get a push to feel more comfortable being yourself! i want everyone to feel like they can be themselves around me!

[nerdygaymormon]

How can I learn to love myself?

I spent many months working with my therapist trying to develop a sense of self value. I'll share some of the things I learned.

These things may feel strange to do, it takes time and at first it felt like I was faking it, but you know that old adage, “fake it ‘til you make it.” Keep at it. Change doesn’t come right away.

1) Take care of your body. It affects your mental well being. Taking care of your body is a way of showing you are worth being taken care of. Stay hydrated, get enough sleep, shower, brush your teeth, eat nutritious food, exercise, having some time to relax, and so on.

2) Don't say or think really critical things about yourself. There's enough people who are willing to run you down. No one is perfect, and you can’t expect yourself to be so. When you say or think something negative about yourself, immediately say something positive about yourself, replace those negative thoughts. You may not be able to stop all the hyper-critical thoughts, but you don't have to believe them, you replace them with positive affirmations.

3) Take credit for the good things you do. So often, the good things in our life come from us or are a result of things we do, and the bad things happen to us. One thing I used to do was minimize my accomplishments to the point I had no positive feelings associated with them, which meant when I thought about myself, I only had negative feelings associated with me and the things I've done.

4) Treat yourself the way you would treat children or your best friend—with gentleness, concern and caring. How do you treat them? You are kind to them, patient with them, forgive them their mistakes. How do you treat yourself? Treat yourself the way you treat others

5) Invest in yourself, you are going to be your longest investment and your longest relationship. This could be learning, education, training. This could be taking care of your body, saving funds for the future, learning a skill, developing a hobby. As you develop talents and skills, you increase your ability to serve others, to make a positive contribution on the world. Ironic, isn’t it, developing yourself isn’t selfish, it blesses those around you.

6) Be appreciative. Being grateful is a powerful way to shape your mindset for the better. This can be done in a number of ways. Start a gratitude journal, an Instagram channel, a blog or spend 3 minutes each day thinking of all the things you are grateful for. Write a list of 10 things you like about yourself. It's about seeing the good things in our life that we often take for granted. When we get comfortable, we get ungrateful. Change that, show gratitude everyday. Because I had a hard time coming up with good things, my therapist had me keep a journal where I wrote down all the compliments I received, and it helped me to see myself the way others did. It opened myself to the idea that maybe my life has value, that people appreciate me, that life is worth living.

7) Explore yourself. My therapist encouraged me to try a bunch of new things, especially since I spent my teenage years and much of my adulthood in the closet. Now I'm out, it's time to do all the things I didn't let myself try. Wear the glittery Hello Kitty backpack, and the nail polish. Maybe I'll find I'm exhilarated when I'm gardening, or feel joyful reading to children. Maybe writing poetry or volunteering lets me feel fulfilled. Feeling good is all the permission you need to do what you love to do. Doing things that bring you joy or peace or contentment, those will help you love your life and love yourself.

8) Write a list of the things that are important to you, that upset you or hurt your feelings. Then work on drawing boundaries. This includes what is inside the boundary and what needs to remain on the outside. Some examples could include being listened to; getting sympathy when you’re hurt; being celebrated when you succeed; receiving love and tenderness without asking for it; being cared for; and knowing you can rely on someone. Whatever is important to you is important. If someone ignores what's important to you or crosses your boundary to do things that hurt you, don’t ignore that. Your feelings are there to tell you what’s right and what’s wrong. I sometimes have to contact someone to say I need to vent, or I just did something so good and I need to share with someone. I never would've done that in the past, but I understand being able to do those things is important to me.

9) Don't stress out over the opinions of people who really don't matter. Often I imagine what all these strangers around me are thinking, and I have to ask myself why I give them so much power over me.

10) See a therapist. I'm giving some general advice, but a professional can help you identify roadblocks and give feedback on your progress and help you learn specific ways for you to learn to value and love yourself.

[ducktracy]

@armourawk​ (answering over here for organization purposes) THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!

genuinely, this is so sweet and made my day!! i’m so happy i can make you feel that way :’)

it’s still very very surreal, but i love every minute of what i do! i think one of my favorite aspects of this job is that it’s taught me i have a lot to learn and a lot of hard work ahead of me, and i’m EXCITED!!! i don’t know nearly as much about art and animation and storyboarding as i thought i did. GOOD! 

that means i have more to improve on, more to learn, more to discover, and that’s so stimulating and exciting, and i think that’s a mindset more people should adopt too! just because you’re not where you want to be doesn’t mean you won’t get there--i’m certainly not where i’d like to be. use this as an opportunity to LOOK FORWARD to improving, learning, etc.! new skills to be discovered!! THAT’S SO EXCITING!! it’s no fun if you have everything mastered. you can only go up from here!

i’ve learned so much in these past few months. i have a million, gazillion monologues and anecdotes i could spew out talking about how much this job means to me and my experiences and how happy i am to be where i am right now, but i’d still never articulate it correctly. maybe someday! but for now, i’m so grateful to be supported by such a kind, welcoming, patient, funny, familial, and INSANELY talented crew. i can’t wait for you guys to see what we’ve been cooking up--lots of hard work and love constantly being poured into what we do.

getting back to the ask at hand, i’m so happy to hear that my art can bring that warmth, that’s absolutely what i strive for! hitting that great balance of sentimental and homely but also funny, hyperactive, energetic, and a little off-kilter is always my goal. i have lots of learning and improving to do, both in storyboards and my work in my spare time, but i’l get there eventually. and you will, too!

“never stop drawing!” is a cliche, but i’m gonna use it: never stop drawing! these are all bits of advice i need to follow myself, but don’t be afraid to mess up, make mistakes, experiment, etc. another major battle is not posting every single thing i draw--i don’t do lots of studying and experimenting in my spare time because i’m like “well, i can’t post this” which is NOT A GOOD MINDSET TO HAVE! bite that! be messy and get out of your comfort zone, because that’s the only way you’ll make steps forward. i’m speaking more towards myself here than anything.

AAAAAH, so many words, so little articulation. THANK YOU!!!!!! this really inspires me to keep chugging forward. i know everyone says “if i can do it, you can do it!” but i genuinely believe that applies here... i’m a college dropout who’s had 0 professional experience (or ANY job experience for that matter) and here i am. put yourself out there, look on the sunny side of the street, and fake your confidence ‘til you make it. be positive, be kind, be loving, always search for something new to learn. BEST OF LUCK! you’ll get there!

[officialleotolstoy]

Oh Natasha/Andrei brainrot we’re really in it now, aka Natasha/Andrei playlist annotations!

Honestly the age gap is so inherently uncomfortable it’s difficult for me to really ship this but I think in terms of the REALLY low bar of W&P marriages/almost-marriages, it’s one of the better ones because they at least mutually care about each other. It’s also just devastating on principle!

There are several distinct sections of song on here, this is one of the few I’ve actually put in a significant order, so I’m going to break it down into that.

Part 1: Initial Meeting/Falling In Love The First Time/General

Absolutely Smitten - dodie

“She wants to dance around the room, kiss you until her lips turn blue”

This song really reminds me of their first meeting when they’re both like 👀 at each other. I like how it captures the excitement but also nerves of the girl, which I feel like is an important feature of Natasha’s part of the relationship.

Helpless - Philippa Soo

“Tryin' to catch your eye from the side of the ballroom”

Sorry to all the ex-Hamilton stans I jumpscared with this, but it’s about the Philippa Soo Singing About Falling In Love vibe. Also the quoted lyric reminds me of their iconic dance scene, or at least the bits leading up to that.

To Noise Making (Sing) - Hozier

“Honey, the look of it was as sweet as the sound; Your head tilt back, your funny mouth to the clouds”

This reminds me of the scene where she sings for him and he’s like WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH im in love! I paraphrase, but you get the idea.

Golden Years - David Bowie

“Look at that sky, life's begun”

This is objectively the stupidest song on here. It’s here because I think it’s funny to imagine the iconic Natasha/Andrei dance just being the Golden Years dance from A Knight’s Tale, HOWEVER the quoted lyric is in fact Andreicore.

Stop The World I Wanna Get Off With You - The Arctic Monkeys

“And I know we got places to go, we got people to see/Think we both oughta put 'em on hold”

‘Wren there are several songs that are on this playlist AND your Andrei/Pierre playlist’ Thank you for noticing it’s because if Tolstoy can recycle the same lines of dialogue for these relationships I can recycle the same songs! This song is just. I Hate Everyone Except You :) which is deeply Andrei @ both of them. But also like wanting life to stop so you can just hang out with Your People.

Strawberry Blond - Mitski

“I love everybody because I love you”

I’m pretty sure someone once pointed out how this lyric fit Andrei/Natasha once in a post and I cannot for the life of me remember who but that made an impression on me. Mystery person, thanks <3 Also I forgot this was a Mitski song??

The Anchor - Bastille

“Bring me some hope by wandering into my mind”

One of Thee things about their relationship that sticks out to me is how Natasha is so lifelike and her very existence gives Andrei hope for the world. It’s so. It’s so much!

Something After All - Starry

“You’ve turned my world around”

Like I said above, falling in love with Natasha really changes Andrei’s entire worldview! I also think “I've spent years building up walls” is very Andrei, and Natasha kind of brought them down, like what happens in the song.

Cosmic Love - Florence + The Machine

“A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes”

IT’S ABOUT THE SPACE METAPHORS FOR LOVE. THIS IS NO ONE ELSE FROM GREAT COMET’S FAULT.

Cold Cold Man - Saint Motel

“I know I am a cold cold man: quite slow to pay you compliments or public displayed affections”

It’s about being generally not very emotional or expressive but being devoted to the person anyway...very Andrei-ish.

Ophelia - The Lumineers

“I don't feel nothing at all and you can't feel nothing small”

The quoted lyric just seems like a really good summary of their dynamic, but I also think “Heaven help a fool who falls in love” works well for bitter post-elopement vibes, so this song was difficult to place.

Part 2: Andrei Leaving For Abroad

Misbehavin’ - Pentatonix

For some reason this is on both the Nat/Andrei and Natasha playlists and I’m too lazy to change it. Just go look at those annotations.

No One Else - Great Comet

Duh

To a Poet - First Aid Kit

“I got on a plane and flew far away from you, though unwillingly I left”

This song makes me think of Andrei abroad missing Natasha :( Honey you’ve got a big storm coming

Part 3: Post-Elopement Breakup Songs

I Hope Your Husband Dies - Amigo The Devil

“All the distance that we've spent apart will never have to mean a thing”

This song is VERY much Andrei about Anatole. “Now you're with this asshole, you expect me to believe it's going to last” really works because her relationship with Anatole was never going to last, whether or not she knew that. And “I'm not so much afraid of being alone, just kind of feel I've had enough/And time and time again, time reminds me you'll never be my own/We'll never have a house to decorate, a place that we can call our home” as an Andrei thing makes me very sad!!!

Ruins - First Aid Kit

“Ruins, all the things we built assured that they would last”

I think you can safely say their relationship was in ruins after the elopement attempt. I also think “I lost you, didn't I? First I think I lost myself” is something Natasha would think about the whole scenario

Half of My Heart - John Mayer

“Half of my heart's got the right mind to tell you that I can't keep loving you with half of my heart”

I think this is supposed to be more of an “I don’t love you anymore and that’s on me” song, but I like to mentally frame it in the context of Andrei after the elopement refusing to take back Natasha. I also think all the bits about the singer’s love interest changing the singer’s outlook on life before really fits, like “Lonely was the song I sang 'til the day you came, showing me another way”

Love Like Ghosts - Lord Huron

“You don't want me baby please don't lie/Oh but if you're leaving, I gotta know why”

It’s all about the singer being haunted by a love that doesn’t necessarily reciprocate on the same level, and I think that really fits Andrei’s mindset. It breaks my heart to think about him trying to figure out what he did wrong, why he wasn’t enough for Natasha, and so that quoted lyric really makes me just. :(

Cold Day In Heaven - Delta Rae

“Keep thinking bout when we started, so innocent/Your heart was a mess and I was lost in it”

This whole song is so good for them, it’s essentially just a couple being disappointed that their relationship didn’t work out well. The quoted lyric is so. AAAAHHH. because both of their hearts were messes but for different reasons, Andrei was so hopeless and bleak but Natasha was so naive and not ready for it and it’s so. It’s so Much. Also “We watched, the stars fell, and oh you know we let them/We said it’ll never happen, we said it’ll never happen to us/But it’s a cold day in heaven my love” gets me because 1) star/sky references :( and 2) Natasha especially did say it’d never happen to them, she was adamant that she’d love Andrei forever and that uh. I think we all know how well that worked out!

2 Months. - Zach Adkins

Someone You Loved - Lewis Capaldi

“I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug”

This is kind of a generic betrayal/breakup/I-miss-you song, but I think it works. Especially with “I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain” and the focus on the singer’s lover getting them through difficult times and then abandoning them.

The Night We Met - Lord Huron

“Take me back to the night we met”

I think people are legally obligated to have this song on any playlist for a couple that doesn’t end well. It’s generic but it’s good! The entire Strange Trails album my BELOVED!

Careless Whisper - George Michael

“I should have known better than to cheat a friend and waste a chance that I'd been given, so I'm never gonna dance again the way I danced with you”

UNIRONICALLY THIS SONG. I think it’s the focus on dancing as like a significant marker of the relationship for me, especially given how heavily adaptations focus on their dance at that ball. The quoted lyric reminds me of Natasha’s mindset after all of this. Also “We could have been so good together, we could have lived this dance forever, but now, who's gonna dance with me? Please stay” reminds me of Natasha asking him to forgive her. Not to actually get sad over Careless Whisper but. :,(

With Or Without You - U2

“And you give yourself away”

The quoted lyric is in reference to the elopement in my head, and “I can’t live with or without you” is like. Andrei can’t continue on and let her back into his life, he admits that he can’t forgive her, but he also has no real will to live after she betrays him and goes off to die in war.

Atlantis - Seafret

“We've built this town on shaky ground”

“This town” is in reference to their relationship, and I like the acknowledgment that there was never a great foundation to begin with. And “maybe I’m not built for love” as an Andrei lyric is a little heartbreaking! Other than that it’s just a Breakup Song.

I Don’t Wanna See You Cryin’ Anymore - Adam Melchor

“I don't wanna be the reason you can't trust me like before/My head's in my hands as I'm shaking on the bathroom floor”

This reminds me of Natasha’s deep guilt over her betrayal of Andrei. The implication that Andrei would ever let anyone see him cry is a bit much for me, just ignore that HFJAHDHSH

Part 4: Reconciling While Andrei ✨Dies✨

Fake It - Bastille

“We can never go back, we can only do our best to recreate”

This whole is song is about trying to move forward from bad things in the past with your lover which is the whole vibe! But I also think it shows some reluctance on the part of the singer to forget, and a bit of a desperation to be able to leave the mistakes in the past. “Help me turn a blind eye” really captures that. I like this as the early stages of them reconnecting, because I think it’s realistic to have Andrei especially be wary but wanting it to get better.

Bad Blood - Bastille

“All this bad blood here, won’t you let it dry?”

Letting go of a grudge and trying to move on vibes!

Let It All Go - Birdy, Alvaro Soler

“We’re strong enough to let it go”

All their hurt surrounding the elopement is the Thing they’re letting go of in this case.

Flaws - Bastille

“You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve and I have always buried them deep beneath the ground”

The quoted lyric just feels like their general dynamic to me. Natasha is so open about everything and does indeed wear her heart on her sleeve whereas Andrei represses every emotion he’s ever felt. I think this is a post-elopement song because of “Dig them up; let’s finish what we started”. That feels like them reexamining their relationship and what went wrong and trying again.

Moscow - Autoheart

“All I need’s a fraction of your happy heart”

This song is so 🥺. “We both know what we’ve got to do: head back to where the magic grew” reminds me of them accepting their reconnection and moving on and trying to rekindle whatever was between them. And “Let’s get a dog, an Irish red setter, it’s all we need to get better” feels emblematic of them looking forward to domestic happiness as the solution. And the quoted lyric screams Andrei about Natasha.

The Heart Is A Muscle - Gang of Youths

“I will look at love as more than just an instrument of pain”

Not to be off topic but this whole album is so good every single song makes me feel SHRIMP EMOTIONS god. Also the whole thing is very Andreicore and I had to stop myself from adding every song to his playlist. But I digress. This song is all about having been hurt by love in the past (“I let bad love betray me once”) but deciding to open your heart again which is very them! “I haven't had enough and I wanna love someone” AAAAHHHH. “I am human now and terrified, but want it all the same” Mr. GangOfYouths im going INSANE! “I just ask you to be patient if you’ll have me still” HELLO? Not to quote the whole song but “I wanna be loved, I wanna be whole again, so tuck my hair behind my ears and touch my soul again” as an Andrei/Natasha lyric...I need to sit down. Can you all tell this song makes me go all kinds of crazy. And this isn’t even my favorite song off the album!

Shrike - Hozier

“I couldn’t utter my love when it counted, ah but I’m flying like a bird to you now”

This song feels very “we tried to have a relationship a while ago and it didn’t work out that well but I still love you we could try again” to me which fits this time very well!

Part 5: Andrei Goes Splat :( [And The Aftermath]

Work Song - Hozier

“No grave can hold my body down, I’ll crawl home to her”

I can’t say what it is exactly, but something about persistent love framed around the death motif works for me here.

Dancing After Death - Matt Maeson

“As the sun waits to eclipse and the taste teases my lips, I'm too tired to wrestle with it”

The quoted lyric reminds me of Andrei giving up and shutting down when he realizes he’s gonna die :( oh ALSO my brain always mentally fills in “and no one else” after the “you and I” that ends the chorus which does NOT help with my depression!

One Last Time - Jaymes Young

“Could I feel your skin on mine before I have to say goodbye?”

SCREAMS SO LOUDLY. The whole song is like. Someone dying and wanting to see their person one last time and AAAAAAAAAAA. I am a little incoherent maybe. “I'm leavin' this cold world of mine, no pleadin' is gonna turn back time” really Gets Me in the context of Andrei accepting his own death and withdrawing and it’s so. Anyway.

Oblivion - Bastille

“When oblivion is calling out your name, you always take it further than I ever can”

I don’t think this is exactly what the song is talking about, but the quoted lyric in the context of Andrei dying and Natasha watching him fade and withdraw...good Lord. I need emotional support.

Haunt - Bastille

“I’ll come back to haunt you/Memories will taunt you”

Natasha being haunted by the memory of Andrei!!! Help me!!!! Also “I will try to love you/It’s not like I’m above you” as a callback to Andrei’s feelings for Natasha when they start to reconnect is so mental illness inducing. OOOH and “Questioning why as you look to the sky that is cloudless up above our heads and thoughts come to mind that our short little lives haven't left the path that they will tread” any lyric ever about looking at the sky is Andrei’s now.

Without You - for KING & COUNTRY

“What do you do when you don't get better/Strong arms get too, get too weak to hold her”

:( :( :( :( :( Also “I’m not ready to live without you” I am so sad.

Good Grief - Bastille

“Every minute and every hour I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more”

Pain! Agony, even!

I made myself SO sad writing the entire last half of these annotations geez

[shrimpfriedr1ce]

So I’m gonna speak up. #HijoAko

!!!Trigger Warning!!!

3 years ago. I learned that anyone can manipulate you into doing what they want. And I learned it the hard way. I’m not really read to call him out yet, but I want to share my experience and let people know that I sympathize.

LONG VERSION (Skip to AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA for the short version)

Prior to these events. I’ve been avoiding Jerick. I felt like our friendship was getting.. a bit too toxic. He’d coax me to come over and with food since he lives nearby. He openly admitted it in a conversation with my friend saying “Oh, you want him to come over? Just tell him you have food. Easy.”

He’d find excuses to come over to my place (we both live alone) with statements like “I bought too much food, can I come over?”. He claims he’s depressed and that he has panic attacks. I remember he had 2 panic attacks on 2 separate classes. So a little part of me thought he was faking it so I would feel soft for him and take care of him. But at the same time.. what if he wasn’t? Worst case scenario, it’s real. So naturally, I’d do what any person would do and look after him.

I remember one time, it was our finals for one of our programming classes; GDEVDAT (idk what it meant. Game DEVelopment DATa???). He asked me to come over since he had food and so he could help me with the finals. I was in a bit of a struggle, so why not. I came over and the moment I setup my laptop he insisted that we played DoTA til well into the night. My software wasn’t working properly. So I stopped playing and asked him if he could help me fix it. He looked a little disappointed because I didn’t want to play anymore. Needless to say, it was a silent room for 2 hours. Then I walked back home at 4 am. A part of me that time felt like I wasted my time. I felt like, as the gamers call it -baited- into coming over.

He would tell me to stay away from my circle of friends since they were not his kind of crowd. He’d point out my friends’ flaws and say mean things about them. I’m not gonna drop their names, but they know who they are. So me being me, I believed him. I could see his point and thought “huh, he’s right”. Before I knew it, I was closer to him than I was to my friends. Before long, I began.. protecting him. He’d have suicidal thoughts, I’d come rushing over. He needed company, I was already there. I knew something was up at this point. Which brings me back to my disclaimer. I started avoiding him.

It felt tiring and I couldn’t get time to myself because.. well, yeah. He kept guilt tripping me into meeting up.

So here’s where it got.. fucked up.

I remember coming home after buying a mop ‘cuz my friends were gonna’ sleepover so I planned to clean before they arrived the next day (we had an overnight event at school). I then received multiple messages on facebook telling me to take care of Jerick because he was attempting a suicide. He lived nearby, so I laced up my shoes and went to his place. I come over and there are just.. guards from our school in front of his flat. I ask if they’re there for Jerick. They said said yes. But they couldn’t enter because the landlord said only the Jerick could let us in. He was pissed drunk. Moments later he comes down drunk as hell and the landlord lets us in. He smelled like vodka. Me and who I assume is the commanding officer lifted, L I F T E D –this guy was 3 times my size– back to his unit. I tell the officer that I’ll handle things. So they leave. Leaving me and Jerick alone. BAD IDEA Vince. We sat quietly in the room. I looked around, forcing to look for something to break the silence. I had a cigarette. Sat down and asked him why he had a condom on his table. He said he hooked up with a guy but he finished super fast. I deadass said “huh, maybe I should keep a condom. I heard it’s good luck for guys” at this point 2020 Me is telling 2017 me to stfu. He told me if I wanted to get my dick sucked, he was right there. He tried to pull down my shorts and force himself on me (we were sitting on the bed btw, i know. my bad). I pushed him over and he stopped. He then passed out. I sat there for a good 5 mins. Processing what just happened. I thought to myself, should I report this? or just keep it to myself? I left a note saying that I would stay quiet. I come back to my room and pass out.

He messages me the next morning saying what happened. I of course, decided to keep quiet. I didn’t want to talk to him because.. it felt weird. He says he doesn’t remember anything and what was it that I didn’t wanna tell anyone. Remember we had  an event at school? I told him personally. He said he was sorry and that he was drunk etc. I let it slide.

Fucked up #2. MAJOR. MAJOR. MAJOR. TRIGGER WARNING. I SWEAR TO GOD JUST SKIP THIS IF YOU’RE EASILY TRIGGERED BY SUICIDE. I’LL MARK IT  WITH “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” IF IT’S DONE. JUST. OKAY?

Same events occur. Messages telling me to go to Jerick. Ayt. Cool.  So I rush over to his place. I see you asking “How you gonna get in through the main gate?” I got lucky. Someone was gonna enter the same time as me. I reached his door and the lights were off. Pitch black. Sketchy. I went in. His place wasn’t that big. So I went in and saw a silhouette of him standing on the window about to jump. I coax him to come down and sit down and talk. He said he felt abandoned and that I wasn’t there to help him. And how it was my fault that he felt sad. THEN HE OFFERS TO BUY ME DINNER..?? AT ARISTOCRAT?? if you’re a Filipino and from Manila. You know.

We talk over dinner and he confessed that he only kept talking to me because he wanted to make a female friend of mine jealous. WE WERE LAUGHING THE NIGHT AWAY. And I come  back to my unit. And think.. DID I JUST GET FUCKING PLAYED AGAIN?????????? I sat on my bed puzzling  the scheme that was the attempted suicide.

Issue 1.) WHY THE FUCK WAS HIS DOOR CONVENIENTLY UNLOCKED??  I mean.. everyone locks their front door. You lock it. You always lock it.

Issue 2.) Did he fake a suicide attempt.. JUST TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME?

Issue 3.)  I got played.

At this point. I avoided him altogether. Facebook, Twitter and his number.

I learned later that same year, I wasn’t the only victim. And that he too chose to keep it to himself.

I’ve had trouble believing people since. I’ve had trouble getting attached to people because of the vulnerability or what might happen.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

It’s been 3 years since this incident. And I’ve never publicly talked about this issue. I was scared. I was scared of what would happen to him if I accused him of sexual assault. A mom and dad would lose their child, and a person’s hopes and dreams would be unreachable. It was also hard for me to talk about it because.. I felt easily dismissed but at the same time, I didn’t want to dwell on a topic that brought  back memories as bad as this one.

I decided to just keep it to myself and hope he becomes a better person. I thought I could just put a tough face on and power through the day. It’s not like that. I’ve developed a fear of trusting people and being overly attached. And for a short time, developed a sick and twisted mindset. At one point, I resented gay people. I thought “what if all of them are as manipulative as him?” –I no longer do of course. I’ve grown past the stereotyping, and I’ve met wonderful people of the LGBT+ community.

Okay, the thing is. Sexual Assault and Gas Lighting.. are bad. In a word, they’re bad. In more words, it’s.. I don’t know. I felt like a dog who had to obey their master. A dog who was at the mercy of their master so I could eat and be able to speak when I’m allowed to. At the same time, I felt like I was just another chunk of  meat for someone’s pleasure. It’s like I wasn’t human. I wasn’t a guy who goes to school, plays video games and watches anime. I was just another guy on Jerick’s list of people he’d want to get on top of.

[punkscowardschampions]

Jimmy & Janis

Jimmy: 👍 Janis: Calm down Janis: almost as keen as him Jimmy: like a kid at a birthday you Jimmy: sort it out Janis: I know Janis: he's just SO interesting Jimmy: & HOT Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Jimmy: like OMG Janis: 😂 Janis: when generations of inbreeding has done wonders for you and your bank account Janis: sign me up and get out the way, gracie Jimmy: I'll see myself out Jimmy: 💔 gutted Jimmy: call me later boy Janis: soz you can't compete 🤷 Jimmy: it ain't my fault I can feel the #nohomo from here Janis: just making you feel at home Janis: so considerate Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: falling for him Janis: do you reckon we've misunderstood the purpose of a double date or Jimmy: hang on, is it not that you're fucking him & your sister is fucking me? Jimmy: that's what I signed up for Janis: un🍀 Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: suppose I'll have to go home with you then Jimmy: bit rude but Janis: no one's more disappointed than I am Janis: trust Jimmy: yeah, I can feel it from you Janis: Can't feel nothing from there Janis: why do you have to sit opposite Janis: has she made that up Jimmy: for the 😍 to really hit Jimmy: [gives her a genuinely sexy look though] Janis: stop that Jimmy: that's what the seating plan is actually for Jimmy: your sister can't play hard to get if he can touch her under the table Jimmy: & neither can you Janis: 😒 Janis: really Jimmy: really Janis: behave Janis: this is a fancy establishment Jimmy: you working here? Janis: I don't work Janis: I distract other people from theirs Jimmy: then I ain't gotta Jimmy: do nowt Jimmy: especially behave Janis: gotta do something Janis: operation piss mia off Jimmy: I'm here looking the part Jimmy: job done Jimmy: this is operation drink you under the table, lightweight Janis: then we need more drinks Janis: not asking him, probably click his fingers Jimmy: go on then Jimmy: be a hero Janis: yours Janis: i know 💪 Jimmy: save me from this & I'll think about it Janis: [gets drinks] Jimmy: [does a glass clink but just with her cos he rude] Janis: 🥂 Janis: You're on Jimmy: [downs half of his drink (only half cos money & he ain't gonna her order more straight away like a tit) 'cause 1.challenge accepted but 2.he needs it 'cause lord this date Janis: [keeps up and then some 'cos that bitch] Janis: when can we leave Jimmy: now? Janis: wanted to run up more of a bill to leave him with Janis: but christ Jimmy: Grace'll do it Jimmy: we both know fake 💕 when we see 'em Janis: experts Jimmy: she's decent at this Jimmy: not as good as me but 🥈 Janis: makes a life out of it so should hope so Jimmy: you should've got some tips mate Janis: fuck off 🙄 Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: alright Jimmy: in a bit Jimmy: [downs his drink & gets up but only going to the toilet lbr not leaving] Janis: you're such an idiot Jimmy: you love me Jimmy: so you're the idiot Janis: I can change Janis: you'll always be a dickhead Jimmy: change into a bigger dickhead, yeah Janis: one that don't fuck w you though so Jimmy: go on then Jimmy: [comes back & with more drinks but puts both of 'em next to him cos he's a child] Janis: 'scuse me Jimmy: ? Janis: play fair Jimmy: [gives her a look like idk what you mean cos nerd] Jimmy: be nice to me Janis: [has to lean over and grab drink excuse me everyone] Janis: you Jimmy: [has to lean over & kiss her excuse him everyone] Janis: 😏 Janis: reckon I'm well in Jimmy: don't you reckon you need some more drinks first Jimmy: he's a bit Jimmy: what's the word? keen Janis: Hmm Janis: true Janis: and I'm no lightweight so Jimmy: still only got your word on that Janis: play your cards right and you'll see 🍀 Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: come to mine though Jimmy: my dad'll love how pissed you'll be Jimmy: might as well piss him off tonight too Janis: 🙄 Not the rep I'm after but bit late to salvage what we coulda had, Ian so Janis: 👍 Jimmy: do call him Ian in a bit 👍 Jimmy: 😂 Janis: Mr Taylor? Janis: ew Janis: you ain't a teacher Jimmy: that much of a dickhead Jimmy: & got the ☕ breath Janis: 😬 Janis: not planning to get that familiar thank you Jimmy: bet he's 💔💔 Jimmy: thin line between love & hate Janis: 😂 Janis: obvs Janis: everyone loves me Jimmy: 🥇 Janis: so 😎 Jimmy: 🚬 break, cool girl? Jimmy: or your sister got you 🚭 Janis: ha, she wishes Janis: let's go Jimmy: [takes off the shirt before they go outside cos gotta return that shit can't be getting smoke on it, good thing he ain't topless that'd be awks] Janis: 😳 steady on Janis: make it more obvious, lad Jimmy: that's what we're here for Jimmy: being #goals Jimmy: & I am so Janis: [walking n talking obvs] Janis: you reckon I ain't pulling my weight? Janis: rude Jimmy: just trying to keep you on top, babe Jimmy: 🥇 or nowt like Janis: I remember how much you liked that Janis: don't worry Jimmy: 😳 you steady on Janis: 🚬 about it, baby Jimmy: til I can 🎨 Jimmy: you'll like that Janis: obvs 😍 Jimmy: I ain't forgot you need that nude Jimmy: & twitter Jimmy: & the world Janis: Shh Jimmy: make me Janis: [smoochin'] Jimmy: you fucked up Jimmy: meant to be goals in there not out here Janis: You want me to stop? Jimmy: can you? Jimmy: always #goals you Janis: cross to bear, like Jimmy: I get it Jimmy: me too Janis: that's why we're a team Jimmy: 🏆💪 Janis: and you know Janis: who else was gonna fake date you Jimmy: you know there was a town full of lasses who would Janis: only got your word for that Jimmy: if that's a challenge you also know I'll accept it Janis: no Janis: [pouty face] Jimmy: [kisses but does the hot pull in the pouty lip thing cos you gotta] Janis: I already don't wanna go back in Janis: don't need to convince me Jimmy: you want me to stop? Janis: [goes in 'cos obviously not] Jimmy: what if we just don't go back in Janis: but your beautiful pink shirt Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Jimmy: buy me a new one, rich girl Janis: 😏 buy you a better one maybe Janis: [is looking at phone and not replying 'cos Grace be blowing it up] Jimmy: nowt hard 'bout that Jimmy: you just wanna get me in the changing room Jimmy: obvious you Janis: 'scuse me tryna fufill your broken promises, bitch Jimmy: that why you're ignoring me Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: I ain't my fault you wanted to stay in bed, girl Janis: nah, it's her SOSing Jimmy: 🙄 Jimmy: told you, can't play hard to get when Jimmy: gimme your phone Jimmy: gotta reply to my girl really quick Janis: 😑 Janis: fine Janis: you go back and be a hero, I'll go Jimmy: where you go, I go Jimmy: remember Janis: wanna go see your girlfriend then or what Jimmy: I'm looking at her Jimmy: [is] Janis: Nerd Jimmy: [kisses her for encouragement cos they a team & they can do this] Janis: once more unto the breach, my friend Jimmy: she'll only fuck it up if we don't Janis: 🤷 Janis: he wishes Jimmy: I didn't wear pink so you could shrug Jimmy: & Mia could win Jimmy: get it together Janis: thought you were #experimenting now you're free Jimmy: free of the north not the mindset Jimmy: my masculinity is way too fragile Jimmy: so come on Jimmy: [slaps her booty like they do in sports for some reason] Janis: [shoves him yeah you mind so much] Janis: 👌 Jimmy: [back at the table like hey guys] Jimmy: 💕 Janis: She's not been assaulted, job done Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: still got yours to do though, mate Jimmy: 🍹 Janis: [more drinks more drinks] Janis: catch up boy Jimmy: [does] Janis: how you feeling, lightweight Janis: 🤔 Jimmy: good as you look Jimmy: so come over here & be #goals for the 📷 Janis: You being nice again now? Jimmy: when weren't I Janis: not got the time to list Janis: not very #goals Janis: let me count all the ways Janis: you are a massive dickhead Janis: 💕 Jimmy: we can go now Jimmy: you've proved what a romantic you are Janis: not the challenge is it Janis: 🍾 Jimmy: you've also proved you can't handle your drink about as many times Janis: why you giving up? Jimmy: as much as you need the chance Jimmy: nah Janis: [is about to try and leave when Grace drags her to the bathroom] Janis: help.me. Jimmy: say I'm having a medical emergency Jimmy: always works that Janis: what, my jimmy senses are tingling Janis: he's trapped down a well again gotta go bye Jimmy: alright well if I come in & just start kissing you, what's she gonna do? Jimmy: hang on Janis: not entirely sure we wanna find out Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: tell her I said this lad is flirting with a waitress Jimmy: that'll get her moving Janis: 👍 idea Janis: also tah for not taking your chance w him yourself Jimmy: I thought about it but he keeps getting olives in his drinks Janis: sexy Janis: cunt think he's james bond or Jimmy: probably Jimmy: though I don't reckon trying to look up lass' skirts technically makes you a spy Janis: 😂 Janis: she's fuming I ain't listening now 'cos actually lol Jimmy: I'm fuming I can't smack this dickhead like I did the one from the other night Janis: don't even need to be quick about it she's still going a mile a minute in here Janis: avoid the face if you wanna keep it hush Janis: #amatuerian Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: if you don't hurry up you're gonna be so many drinks behind, girl Jimmy: downing 'em since I can't drop him Janis: that bad Jimmy: he's trying to have #ladbants with me Jimmy: I'd rather alcohol poisoning Janis: really gotta come save you Janis: [casually walks out like enough now grace] Jimmy: come here Jimmy: actually need you Janis: [forever lap sitting like you gon be getting looks in this place] Janis: hey Janis: what's up Jimmy: [lil make out moment cos gotta take what you can get ladies & it can go on the story for Mia so win win] Janis: that made all the rest of this almost worth it Jimmy: almost? Jimmy: [make out x 2 cos gotta do better than almost] Janis: just wanted to do it again Janis: did the first time but Jimmy: we can do this all night Jimmy: but let's also do shots Janis: oh you're THAT dickhead, yeah? 😏 Janis: alright, easy 💪 Jimmy: what kind? Jimmy: if you mean the winning kind then yeah Janis: I mean SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS Janis: idk why you wouldn't talk to Janis: ryan Janis: so much in common Jimmy: piss off Jimmy: trying to keep things bearable without fucking you at the table is the kind of dickhead I am Janis: 😳 Jimmy: [gets shots brought to 'em cos doesn't want her to have to move basically ever] Janis: [gets straight on it 'cos rather think she was pink from being tipsy like] Jimmy: [also has to get straight on it 'cos she has] Jimmy: for a fancy place it don't taste no different Jimmy: bit rude Janis: was you expecting to taste the stars, babe? Janis: you're cute Jimmy: you're pretty Jimmy: snide to me though Janis: Am not! Janis: name one time Jimmy: literally just then, diickhead Janis: I meant it Janis: 😒 Janis: never being nice to you ever again Jimmy: really Janis: really Janis: this is my serious face Janis: [is not, dork] Jimmy: [whispers in her ear 'but what if I'm nice to you, are you not gonna be nice back?' and does the earlobe thing cos rude] Janis: [whispers back 'are you gonna?' 'cos how does it feel jimothy the tables hath turned] Jimmy: [kisses her again cos what can he say, she got him good there] Janis: It's a start Jimmy: I can start something anytime to you want Jimmy: [touches her under the table but in a teasing like don't test me way not like WE'RE DOING THIS] Janis: boy Jimmy: ? Jimmy: too nice? Jimmy: 👌 Janis: too something Janis: i hate you you know Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: loud & clear 'bout it, babe Janis: 👍 Janis: don't wanna get it twisted here Jimmy: 'course not Janis: where do you wanna go after this hell is over Jimmy: where do you wanna go? Janis: was just wondering if you wanted to keep being a ladladlad Jimmy: if it means I can drink more & get in a fight Jimmy: then alright Janis: 😎 Janis: let's find somewhere not shit then Jimmy: get on it, local girl Jimmy: impress me Janis: been there, done that Janis: you think of an excuse while I'm pondering Jimmy: why do we need one? Janis: you reckon gracie is gonna let you just silently bow out Janis: there's only 4 of us, bit obvious, babe Jimmy: we done our bit Jimmy: & she don't need me to hold her hair back tonight so Jimmy: supposed to leave him wanting more not drag this shit out til we're all 💀 Janis: 🤢 Janis: x2 Janis: you'll make yourself sick again Jimmy: what are you on about? Jimmy: I weren't Janis: nearly Janis: poorly ted Jimmy: piss off Jimmy: misremembering you Janis: nah Janis: remember everything Jimmy: easy to say Janis: test me Jimmy: What colour was Bethany's punch bowl from 1997? Janis: 😏 you're going with that Janis: one of those mixing bowls everyone's ma has Janis: mustardy Jimmy: 👍 Janis: memory of an 🐘 me Jimmy: I'll remember that Janis: 🙄😂 Janis: dad jokes Jimmy: you called me a good dad that night so it felt appropriate Janis: shoe fits, cinders Jimmy: only left one baby in the CG 🏆 Janis: that you know of Jimmy: get it right, babe, coulda left 100s up north Jimmy: unless you got summat to tell me there ain't no more round here Janis: why do you think pete was off Janis: dundundun Jimmy: you knocked up Pete? Jimmy: bit rude Jimmy: he had a great career ahead of him Janis: I know Janis: and body Janis: #ruined Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Jimmy: so selfish you Janis: life-ruiner Janis: don't you know Jimmy: you did warn me 'bout mine but I reckoned you'd leave Pete out Jimmy: so innocent him Jimmy: 😭😭 Janis: such a bitch Janis: i know i know Janis: least i'm rich Janis: get that child support, boy Jimmy: oi do you want summat money can't buy? Janis: ? Janis: intrigued Jimmy: lower your expectations first Jimmy: [gives her a napkin that he drew a pisstaking doodle of this lad on when he was left alone with] Jimmy: stole that from the bar 'cause he ain't worth a tapestry Janis: [loves it] Janis: still might frame it Janis: put it in gracie's room, freak her out Jimmy: [actually lols] Janis: [heart eyes motherfucker] Janis: k we're going Jimmy: one sec Jimmy: [kisses her 'cause one for the road, just gotta annoy everyone for a last time] Jimmy: alright Janis: Idiot Janis: [takes his hand and bounces] Jimmy: so where we headed? Janis: you like surprises? Jimmy: depends Janis: let's go with yeah Jimmy: make me Janis: that's the plan Jimmy: [🚬s & struts cos that dickhead] Janis: [catches up 'cos not hard w dem legs and takes it 'cos cheeky] Jimmy: rude Jimmy: [playfight cos its been ages] Janis: you know I'm always gonna win, babe Jimmy: only 'cause I gotta let you Jimmy: such a girl Janis: Now it suits ya Janis: dickhead Jimmy: It ain't my fault winning suits you Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Janis: #whipped 😘 Jimmy: on the 'gram maybe Jimmy: nowt real Janis: mhmm Jimmy: you trying to start a real brawl now then? Janis: 😂 Janis: Pretty bold for a boy who just got his ass handed to him aren't ya Jimmy: listen, I told you, I had to let you win Janis: okay, something you don't have to let me win in Janis: race ya Janis: [bolts shameless cheat] Jimmy: [don't move] Jimmy: piss off am I running Janis: [shouts] CAN'T HEAR YOU Jimmy: you too drunk to read already yeah? Janis: [jogging on the spot] keep up then pussy Janis: or you'll get lost Janis: AGAIN Jimmy: [stubbornly stays] Jimmy: someone'll find me Janis: Have fun with someone then Janis: 🤞 it ain't them coming out Jimmy: do worse than that threesome Jimmy: bet he loves a mirror more than that other lad Jimmy: 👍 Janis: you are disgusting Jimmy: if you throw up, you lose Janis: 1. if i threw up so would you so Janis: 2. you ain't gonna find out if you're so busy being basic with your bffs so so Jimmy: piss off Janis: moody Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: [sends location and not that far so] Janis: if you stop being boring Jimmy: you stop Janis: what Jimmy: being the world's biggest dickhead Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: [is ignoring cos gutted] Janis: are you seriously not coming Jimmy: 💔💔 Janis: this is ridiculous Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Janis: be like that then Jimmy: you started it Janis: I didn't do nothing wrong Jimmy: be like that then Janis: what Janis: what's the problem Jimmy: nowt Janis: then come on Janis: you wanted to go out somewhere not shit Janis: I ain't gone in, I'm out front Jimmy: & now I don't Janis: alright Janis: fuck you and all then Jimmy: fuck me 'cause you're being Jimmy: alright Jimmy: 🖕 Janis: being what Janis: I'd have come back if you were that arsed Jimmy: just Janis: I don't get it Jimmy: I know Janis: see you 'round then Jimmy: will you? Janis: I don't know, will I? Janis: wanna make that into a game Janis: why not Jimmy: shut up Jimmy: it's not Jimmy: that's why not Janis: don't tell me to shut up Jimmy: don't chat shit Janis: How am I Jimmy: I just told you, it ain't a game Jimmy: don't say that Janis: it ain't to me either Janis: but Janis: what the fuck Jimmy: leave it out Janis: I will, I'll leave you alone Jimmy: you already have Jimmy: 👍 Janis: what Jimmy: I'm alone now, aren't I Janis: I'd only have to walk like Janis: 20 steps and I could see you Jimmy: don't take the piss out of me Janis: I ain't Janis: but I don't know why you're so mad about it Jimmy: you are though so Janis: you clearly wanna be in a mood Janis: or want an out so yeah Janis: if you like, sure Jimmy: I'm in a mood you put me in Janis: 👍 Janis: alright Jimmy: I wanna go home so I am Jimmy: nowt else Janis: like I said, see you around then Jimmy: 👌 Janis: [walks past] Jimmy: [is literally just hanging around moodily 🚬 cos don't wanna go home so can't pretend he don't see her] Janis: you got money for bus or what Jimmy: I'm walking Jimmy: [but isn't cos literally ain't moved have you boy] Janis: Jim Jimmy: ? Janis: this is bollocks Janis: talk to me Jimmy: & say what Jimmy: you just said it's bollocks Janis: I meant Janis: I don't care about this enough to fight Janis: how can I Janis: I keep telling you I don't even know what this is Jimmy: then don't Jimmy: don't care about it Jimmy: don't fight me Jimmy: whatever Janis: tell me what I should do Janis: not what I shouldnt Jimmy: how do I know? Jimmy: you left me Jimmy: & it's bollocks Janis: but I didn't Janis: I'm here Janis: I was just Jimmy: & at the party too Jimmy: you were just Jimmy: you just walk away from me all the time Janis: when at the party? Jimmy: when we had to chase each other around the place Janis: I don't know if I remember but Janis: I don't do it on purpose Janis: I didn't know it was something I was doing Jimmy: it don't matter Jimmy: like you said, who cares Janis: well it obviously does Jimmy: nah Janis: you gonna be my mate again then Jimmy: [does a lil lol can't help it] Jimmy: don't be funny right now Jimmy: it's not Janis: sorry Janis: can't stop being #goals ever, you know that Jimmy: yeah, massive burden that Janis: do you want me to go Jimmy: do you want to? Janis: No Janis: I told you Jimmy: what do you want then? Janis: Just talk to me Janis: like it was before Janis: tell me how to fix it if I've gotta Jimmy: I don't know Janis: you saying I can't or give you time Janis: just tell me that at least Jimmy: I'm just saying go if you're going Janis: I'm not Janis: I wasn't trying to go Jimmy: you weren't Janis: no Janis: just take you somewhere worth being Janis: just us Jimmy: do you still wanna? Janis: do you? Jimmy: that's not an answer Janis: well, obviously I do Jimmy: then let's go Janis: yeah? Janis: okay Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: okay Jimmy: [the deepest of deep breaths to ever] Janis: [not sure if she should or nah so gives him a tentative shoulder squeeze like idk but I wanna] Jimmy: [hugs her for ages 'cause is there ever a moment when they don't need comfort goddamn these babies] Janis: [kisses him full of soft love bitch] Jimmy: I'm sorry Janis: Me too Jimmy: I still like you Janis: Good Janis: swear Jimmy: [kisses her again so I don't drop the other L word] Janis: [puts her hand out] Janis: let's go Jimmy: [let's get 'em in there] Jimmy: [gets drinks immediately 'cause 1.challenge & 2. needs to 'forget' any of that happened] Janis: 🥂 Slainte Jimmy: cheers Jimmy: [downs it for the above reasons] Janis: you really wanna win, yeah Jimmy: 🥇 Jimmy: or nowt Jimmy: remember Janis: I do Janis: [lbr isn't far behind 'cos stressed] Jimmy: [gets more drinks] Janis: what you reckon then Janis: anyone you wanna brawl in here Jimmy: not so far Jimmy: you? Janis: I'm good Janis: night's still young-ish Jimmy: thank feck for that Jimmy: need that craic you Janis: calling me boring Janis: rude Jimmy: that was you about me Jimmy: was a bit rude Janis: shh Janis: you said you didn't wanna brawl Jimmy: I don't Jimmy: not you Jimmy: [doesn't, like would literally have been touching her in some small way constantly since she put her hand out 'cause soft boy] Janis: Good Janis: [snuggles into him sim style] Jimmy: I really fucking like you Janis: I know Janis: me too Janis: [more soft kissing] Jimmy: [more sim style snuggling and him playing with her hair cos SOFTEST] Janis: [whispers 'please don't be mad at me again'] Jimmy: I wasn't Jimmy: I don't Jimmy: you just Jimmy: don't scare me again, alright Janis: I didn't mean to Janis: I'm sorry Jimmy: [more kisses because IT'S ALRIGHT BABE IT AIN'T YOU & WE KNOW THAT] Janis: I'm just bad at all this stuff Jimmy: you're not Jimmy: you're Jimmy: like perfect Jimmy: it's why I need you to stay Janis: well, I ain't Janis: but I ain't going anywhere either so Jimmy: [is heart eyes cos she is & we know it] Janis: you're so Jimmy: stupid, yeah Jimmy: I know I fucked up Jimmy: again Janis: that's not what I was gonna say shut up Janis: and you didn't Janis: everything's fixable, yeah Jimmy: I'm shutting up Jimmy: [finishes drink number whatever the fuck] Jimmy: 👍 Janis: but Janis: tell me things too yeah Janis: just to be awkward about it Janis: [dranks] Jimmy: what do you want me to tell you, awkward girl? Janis: when i fuck up Janis: lemme sort it Janis: only fair right Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: but you didn't Jimmy: I'm just weird Janis: maybe Janis: but so am I Janis: that's how we like it right Jimmy: [clinks their empty glasses cos yeah bitch & goes to get more] Janis: It's a good thing School doesn't start tomorrow Jimmy: you admitting you can't handle your drink? Janis: nah Janis: admitting I don't wanna do first day back with a hangover Jimmy: I don't wanna do first day back Jimmy: let's just not Janis: not like we'll miss anything important Janis: ever, tbh Jimmy: think of summat you wanna do/where you wanna go Jimmy: whatever it is, challenge accepted Janis: okay Janis: but can we get back in bed once your dad's gone 'cos fuck you Janis: for a bit Janis: I'll put away the 😍 to plan Jimmy: I ain't gonna refuse Jimmy: even if my dad was your #1 fan Jimmy: but you have to multitask 😍 & planning Janis: that's be even more uncomfortable tbh Janis: alright Janis: easy 💪 Jimmy: 🥇 Janis: you know it babe Jimmy: [kisses but less soft & more hot cos he does know it] Janis: reminding me why we're a team Janis: alright Jimmy: if you reckon you need reminding I better not stop Jimmy: [doesn't] Janis: poor choice of word Janis: not all poets like pete Jimmy: so you do want me to stop Jimmy: 'cause you're thinking of Pete Jimmy: alright Janis: why would that mean stop 😏 Jimmy: you can't think about him when I'm being distracting Jimmy: I get it Jimmy: still working on the multitasking thing, yeah Janis: shh Janis: don't stop Janis: please Jimmy: [kisses her again but goes harder cos she said please] Janis: [indicates at the empties and goes up to get more 'cos damn what a night] Jimmy: [drinks but not as dramatically cos soft boy has been reassured thanks] Janis: are you even tipsy Jimmy: how drunk are you? Janis: I can't say Janis: that's the challenge but I need comparison Jimmy: you want me to say Jimmy: sneaky you Janis: not sneaky Janis: you reckon you can handle yours so we're just testing me really Janis: 👀 tell me tell me Jimmy: I can feel it Jimmy: but maybe its just you making me feel Janis: such a little sweet talker Jimmy: it's no line, you just make me all 😳 Jimmy: what do you feel like? Jimmy: gimme a hint Janis: [kisses him the hardest yet 'cos] Janis: like that Jimmy: & you're still standing Jimmy: impressive Jimmy: what are you after if you win then? Janis: 🤔 Jimmy: [lil make out while she's thinking] Janis: you're giving me lots of ideas right now Janis: very inspiring Jimmy: [goes the hardest he has yet obvs] Janis: you won't be too sore a loser, will you baby? Jimmy: maybe Jimmy: but only 'cause I want you to make it better Jimmy: if I'm so sore, what are you gonna do? Janis: fuck Janis: show me where you need and I'll kiss it all better Jimmy: [kisses her neck in a really sexy way cos they in a mood now] Jimmy: it'd be a start I reckon Jimmy: if you just Jimmy: [keeps going but does more cos rude] Janis: just like that? Janis: [mirrors what he's doing] Jimmy: fuck Jimmy: that's Janis: starting to feel a bit better? Jimmy: I thought I would but Jimmy: now I just ache Janis: Baby boy Janis: [covering him in kisses and sliding onto his lap, yet again] Jimmy: [has to keep kissing her so he doesn't make all the sounds which nobody else needs to hear excuse you] Janis: I can Janis: I can feel you Jimmy: can you touch me Janis: [does] Janis: you're gonna have to kiss me to keep quiet Jimmy: [blatantly does have to] Janis: I missed you Janis: [keeping up sexy eye contact] Jimmy: I missed you too Jimmy: so much Janis: I really like you so, so much Jimmy: I really really like you Jimmy: you're Janis: God I Jimmy: say it Janis: You mean it Jimmy: don't stop yourself Jimmy: don't stop any of it Janis: you don't know what I wanna say Jimmy: but I want to hear you say everything you want Janis: [has to go harder on what she's doing like girl shh] Jimmy: shit Jimmy: [has to kiss her harder cos damn] Janis: I'm gonna fuck you so hard Jimmy: I know baby Jimmy: I can Jimmy: feel that Janis: you're so hot Jimmy: you Janis: these jeans are yours, aren't they Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: it's alright Janis: thank god Janis: you can feel me some more Jimmy: I Janis: You Janis: you're so good, Jimmy Jimmy: [says her name cos can't even help it at this point] Janis: [shushing him with kisses but is smirking so smug] Jimmy: is anyone looking at us? Janis: [has to look 'cos do you ever care lads?] Janis: maybe but they looked away when I did Janis: why? Jimmy: we can't get kicked out of here yet Jimmy: I need Janis: I'll be good Jimmy: you are Janis: want me to stop though? Jimmy: please don't Janis: I'm so glad because Janis: I really don't want to Janis: this is Jimmy: [kissing her so he don't say anything OTT or make even more noise cos boy I'll kill you] Janis: you taste so Janis: I think I'm drunk now Jimmy: I think you're 🥇 Jimmy: so fucking Janis: One day you're gonna tell me everything you hold back Janis: and I'm gonna fucking Jimmy: [kisses because I nearly fucking typed it SOS] Janis: You look so Janis: damn Jimmy: you Jimmy: you're so beautiful Janis: where did you even come from like Janis: how did this happen Jimmy: thank your sister in a bit if you're pissed enough Janis: rather thank you Janis: if it's all the same Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: I'm in no position to argue Janis: hell yeah you ain't Jimmy: so be nice to me Jimmy: please Janis: shit Janis: how nice Jimmy: I need you to be really nice to me Janis: I mean Janis: do you want me to make you cum here Jimmy: I do but Jimmy: I don't wanna get you in trouble Janis: we'll both get into trouble, drag you down with me Janis: but okay Janis: wanna find somewhere Jimmy: I'm gonna need a sec if we're moving Janis: I don't wanna Janis: just be good, keep kissing me Jimmy: you're so good though Janis: for you Jimmy: don't look at me like that Jimmy: I'm Janis: close Janis: I can feel it Jimmy: baby Janis: let it happen Janis: I'll keep us out of trouble Jimmy: I trust you Jimmy: you know Janis: I know Janis: I'll show you you can Jimmy: alright Janis: I'm being so good 😇 Janis: you know how badly I wanna just move all our clothes to the side and ride you 'til we both cum right now Janis: like, where's my 🥇 Jimmy: I know Jimmy: I want that too Janis: when we get back to yours Janis: or somewhere slightly less public, at least Jimmy: I promise I'll fuck you long before we get to my house Jimmy: it'll take ages Janis: see, when you're nice you're very nice Jimmy: I'm selfish Jimmy: I wanna see it Jimmy: hear it Jimmy: all of that before then Janis: i want it too so Janis: be as selfish with me as you like Jimmy: we could do it now Jimmy: just like you said Janis: can we Jimmy: it's loud in here Jimmy: louder than your brother's van Janis: true Janis: fuck Janis: we're actually doing this okay Jimmy: we don't have to Jimmy: but you want to Jimmy: I want to Janis: I need to Janis: I feel so Jimmy: we need to be quiet though Jimmy: show me again Jimmy: how do I Janis: yeah Janis: alright Janis: [leans forward to do the repositioning they need to do and bites his lip pretty hard when she sits back down, pulling him toward her] Janis: don't be afraid of a little pain, it's good Jimmy: I'm not scared Jimmy: I feel like Janis: like you can do anything Janis: me too Janis: we can Jimmy: I don't care about anything but you Jimmy: this Janis: this is all that matters right now Janis: all that other shit is gone it's just how fucking Janis: perfect you feel Jimmy: you're the best thing that's ever happened to me Jimmy: literally ever Janis: Jimmy Janis: [has to kiss him or the sounds and the l word like lord playing with fire kids] Jimmy: you look Janis: stay Janis: okay Jimmy: where else would I be going? Jimmy: I need to be right here right now Janis: good, don't Janis: let's keep it going long as we can okay Jimmy: not just gonna bin my 🥇 Janis: just checking Janis: cos this is Jimmy: it's Jimmy: [has to kiss her for being quiet reasons not me trying to type ILY for once] Janis: [letting out them sounds in his ear 'cos don't waste 'em] Jimmy: Janis Janis: Jimmy Jimmy: I can't fucking say it as loud as I want so take it Jimmy: like I can't remember when I didn't even know what your name was Janis: I can't Janis: begin to explain how fucking glad I am I met you Janis: and I wanna take it bad, so fuck loud give it to me hard Jimmy: I can feel how glad you are & it's Jimmy: [also does cos too late now to have any chill] Janis: Oh my God I Jimmy: I know Jimmy: I'm Janis: Please do it Janis: I'm ready I want it Jimmy: fuck Jimmy: I'm gonna Janis: cum in me baby Jimmy: [how polite to just do what you're told like that Jimothy] Janis: I Janis: did we just do that Jimmy: I can still feel it so Janis: I fucking Janis: I have no words I don't know why I'm trying Jimmy: don't dump me when I can't compete with that in a bit Janis: never Janis: you're always good Janis: good not being a good enough word Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: I get it Jimmy: #same not being a good enough # Janis: you're stuck with me for a bit Janis: said you don't mind Jimmy: I want you Jimmy: even more than I want a 🚬 & not to have to look any of these dickheads in the eye Jimmy: which right now is a lot Janis: genuinely have no idea how loud or quiet or plain obvious we were then Janis: my brain couldn't even care Janis: we should probably take that 🚬 and run though, just in case Jimmy: I stopped thinking properly ages ago Jimmy: but you're full of good ideas so let's go with 'em Jimmy: you wanna go home or just somewhere else where we ain't fucked in front of everyone? Janis: very inspiring, I told you Janis: kinda just wanna go home but gimme a minute and we'll see 'cos I still can't think of anything but you so Jimmy: [takes her hand so they can go for that 🚬] Jimmy: you're shaking still Janis: I know Janis: I feel like you'd only have to look at me right now and I could cum again it's Janis: crazy Jimmy: let's get outside & I'll see what I can do Jimmy: [does look at her though cos cheeky] Janis: oi Jimmy: ? Janis: I'm so serious Janis: I'll die Jimmy: I'm serious Jimmy: like you said, the night's young-ish Janis: Gimme 🚬 time to recover though Jimmy: [lights up & passes it to her 'cause that's love bitch] Janis: 😊 Jimmy: I know Jimmy: #goals Janis: are though Janis: actual Janis: bit rude Jimmy: can't stop Jimmy: which is a bit rude Jimmy: soz Janis: let you off Janis: long as you don't Jimmy: [kisses her to show that he'll keep being #goals forever] Janis: hope you didn't like that pub too much Janis: can't go back now Jimmy: I already don't remember nowt about it Jimmy: your fault Janis: 🤷 Janis: taking that as a win Jimmy: it'll make the loss of being a lightweight easier babe Janis: that's your fault, I told you Janis: what do you want for winning then Jimmy: I don't reckon I can ask for owt after that Jimmy: be a dickhead wouldn't I Janis: but you are, babe Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Janis: I like it Jimmy: I like you Jimmy: 💕 Janis: [Snuggles 'cos shh] Jimmy: [after much snuggling and smoking time] Jimmy: where we going then? Janis: I don't care Janis: anywhere we can get lost Jimmy: we'll just walk then Jimmy: come on Janis: [hand holding cuteness] Jimmy: [shit club looms] Jimmy: up for the challenge? Janis: 😣🔫 Janis: nothing challenging 'bout it but the company Janis: go on though Jimmy: for you you're a hot girl Jimmy: might have to have that fight me Janis: will if anyone tries to dance with you Jimmy: if anyone tries to dance with you Jimmy: I will give 'em a smack yeah Janis: so goals us Jimmy: get it on 📷 when I win Jimmy: 🏆💪 Janis: be nice for you to win for once 😉 Jimmy: piss off Janis: nice for me too Janis: 😍😍😍 Jimmy: now we gotta go in Jimmy: can't turn down a challenge like that Janis: 💪 Janis: [is in] Jimmy: [takes her straight to the dance floor cos we know what we're here for lads] Janis: you're actually good at this Jimmy: I get it, I'm white Jimmy: but you don't have to sound so #shook Janis: 😂 Janis: I'm just saying Janis: worth 🥊 for Jimmy: you just out romantic-ed yourself Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Jimmy: get me on twitter or a rooftop Janis: wish I was living that lavish 🤑 Janis: soz babe Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: that bloke there looks really lavish Jimmy: crack on Janis: Back to trying to hoe me out Janis: thought we were past that 😕 Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: just trying to keep you playing to your strengths babe Janis: so you can get on the 'gram for the flex Janis: 😒 Jimmy: #duh Jimmy: nowt else matters Janis: Mean Janis: Imma push you off this imaginary roof Jimmy: you can try 💪 Janis: be nice Jimmy: [dancing in a sexy way that's gonna feel really nice cos shameless boy] Janis: Oh Jimmy: something you wanna say? Janis: lots of things but Jimmy: but you're speechless 'cause of how hot I am Jimmy: I get it Janis: oh, thanks Janis: that really turned me off Janis: so thoughtful Jimmy: all part of the deal Janis: I must've forgot that part Jimmy: [actually lols cos where's the lie she turns him on all the time] Jimmy: you really fucked up the whole virgin thing Jimmy: meant to know nowt about turning people on Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: 💕 Janis: sounding like my sister Jimmy: actually just 💔 me Jimmy: gonna go throw up right now & then sign up for youtube Janis: 😂 Janis: what are you gonna tutorial, babe Jimmy: who knows Jimmy: good at everything me Janis: 🤔 Janis: can only think of things that would get you banned Jimmy: first vid can be what to do when your dad's a dickhead & your girlfriend's fake Jimmy: very #relatable Janis: 💔 Janis: and not a girl, don't forget Jimmy: then just turns into smoothie recipes Jimmy: 'cause how to win that GIRL over Janis: 😏 Janis: nice save Jimmy: Pete's gonna watch then come for you Jimmy: but I'm ready Janis: I wish Janis: get my hopes up Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Jimmy: he'll be worth the wait though Jimmy: even though he won't know the secret ingredient Janis: 👀👀 Jimmy: just put some Classic FM on & recline in your bed dramatically til then Janis: yours Jimmy: you ain't fucking that stud of a lad in my tiny bed Jimmy: get it together Jimmy: Pete deserves the best Janis: 😂 Janis: but Janis: I'll miss you Jimmy: ring me after Jimmy: he smokes more than I do Jimmy: not gonna have the stamina Janis: 💕 Janis: always gonna be my hero, yeah Jimmy: you know it Janis: [kisses him but make it playfyl or it'll get real again Jimmy: do you want a drink or you done now the challenge is? Janis: once you're out you're out Janis: go on Jimmy: hang on then Jimmy: be right back Janis: don't lose me Janis: so many dickheads in here Jimmy: I can find my way to the bar without getting lost Jimmy: maybe Jimmy: don't dance with anyone I can't beat the shit out of Janis: struggle w my type but Janis: do my best Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: tah babe Jimmy: so thoughtful Janis: don't want you reckoning I've got an actual weird kink Janis: 💉 Jimmy: kinda sounds like you do now Jimmy: protesting bit much Janis: Shut up Janis: I don't wanna fuck you up to fix you Janis: not that psycho Jimmy: just wanna fuck me up Jimmy: I remember Jimmy: got that warning Janis: that was forever ago Janis: I'm a different person 💁 Jimmy: yeah? Jimmy: who are you Jimmy: always forgetting, me Janis: whoever you want, obvs Janis: that's the deal Jimmy: now you sound like your sister Jimmy: stop Janis: how dare you Jimmy: is she still blowing your phone up? Janis: I ain't looked Janis: she's on mute don't tell her Jimmy: I won't Jimmy: but if you wanna turn it off Jimmy: I will use my words Janis: yeah? Jimmy: yeah Janis: what if I was scared Janis: a bit Janis: I ain't Janis: but what if Jimmy: I get it, the accent's a bit Jimmy: but you know how to shut me up so Jimmy: nowt scary Janis: 😂 Janis: alright Janis: deal Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: [comes back with drinks then] Janis: [drinking faster than necessary now calm down] Jimmy: [starts dancing with her so she can't drink as far cos we see you babe] Jimmy: *fast Janis: [is all like 'hey!' but dances with obvs, not that mad] Jimmy: [kisses her so she can't be mad even though he knows she ain't really] Janis: [are getting jostled about how you do in clubs] Jimmy: [is mad about it cos how dare they not be the only peeps who exist] Janis: [tries to move 'em away best you can, like, so she can kiss him back properly] Jimmy: [kissing and dancing for a bit cos let 'em world] Janis: okay but I can't hear shit Janis: not giving in Janis: but Jimmy: sounds like an excuse Jimmy: but yeah literally nowt except whatever these shit tunes are Jimmy: to be continued for a night when you can hear me Janis: if you ain't got nothing nice to say 😏 Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Janis: nah Janis: I missed you though Jimmy: you're cute Janis: you being sarky or Janis: 🤔 Janis: suss Jimmy: now I know you're pissed Jimmy: if you can't tell Janis: Pssssssssh Jimmy: you're gonna be wearing that drink in a sec Jimmy: & it ain't gonna be my fault Janis: 😱 Janis: #storytimeiwasTHREATENED Jimmy: nowt to do with me, like I said Jimmy: only meant 'cause you're a pisshead surrounded by 'em Jimmy: [puts an arm around her in a protective barrier kinda way] Janis: you're cute Janis: 😉 Jimmy: shhh Janis: well I mean it Janis: just fyi Jimmy: yeah? Janis: Mhmm Janis: I speak only the truth Jimmy: that's why its only bollocks then Jimmy: 'cause course you do, pisshead Janis: what you mean Janis: dickhead Jimmy: drunks only speak the 'truth' like Janis: I'm not drunk Janis: and I do Janis: so 🖕 Jimmy: come on Jimmy: tell me something properly true then Janis: that's vague Jimmy: go on, sober girl Jimmy: rise to the challenge Janis: 🙄 Janis: hold on Janis: [winnie thinking] Jimmy: [lols cos so cute] Janis: you're too cute for the truth Janis: must be protected Jimmy: if you were gonna tell me you're leaving me for Pete Jimmy: ain't that surprised Janis: that's the one Janis: [drinking fast again] Jimmy: [gives her a look that she may or may not see] Jimmy: what? Jimmy: something's wrong Janis: nowt Janis: [one of those blatantly fake smiles not like a 'trying to convince' kind] Jimmy: truth Jimmy: I can take it Janis: it ain't about you it's just Janis: the only thing I could think to say was how I think I hate my whole family Janis: but not really that surprising either, is it Jimmy: nah Jimmy: but that don't mean it's not shit Jimmy: for you Janis: why? not like I have to Janis: could always not be a bitch, yeah Jimmy: [does the little chin tilt thing so she has to look at him properly] Jimmy: you're not Jimmy: [says it out loud too, in her ear so she has a chance of hearing it, for emphasis] Janis: [shakes her head] Janis: whatever Janis: you too sober for a truth I assume Jimmy: I always want the truth Jimmy: enough people have chatted shit to me Jimmy: 'bout enough things Janis: meant telling one Janis: but I don't bullshit Jimmy: I was telling one & you know it Janis: Meh Janis: not very interested in myself, sorry Jimmy: then ask me Jimmy: what do you wanna know? Janis: why have I gotta be specific Janis: you weren't Janis: whatever you wanna say Jimmy: not very interested in myself either Janis: alright Jimmy: & anyway you know loads of shit about me Jimmy: always going on, I am Janis: don't mind Jimmy: 👍 Janis: another drink? Janis: [already going] Jimmy: keen Janis: i'll drink yours if you can't keep up Jimmy: piss off Jimmy: keep up with you easy Janis: 👌 Jimmy: spill yours if you're gonna 👌 Janis: not 🔥 money here 'scuse you Jimmy: don't have to tell me, rich girl Jimmy: broke & jobless me Janis: 🔪 Janis: shut up Jimmy: you can't make me from over there Jimmy: [shouts 'I'm just a poor boy & nobody loves me' cos nerd] Janis: you're so embarrassing Janis: ain't with you Jimmy: 💔💔🎻🎻🎻💔 Jimmy: I'll go find someone who thinks I'm 😎 Jimmy: it's alright Janis: good 🍀 Janis: take your drink Janis: [casually shoves it at him] Jimmy: tah Jimmy: [has a wander through the club casually] Janis: [pouting in the corner] Jimmy: [comes back so he can kiss her and do the hot pouty lip thing cos loves it] Janis: [more hot dancing 'cos mad] Jimmy: [heart eyes motherfucker] Janis: [shouting] when can we go? Jimmy: whenever you want Jimmy: [downs his drink so he's technically ready to go if she says now] Janis: get you out 'fore the fights start Janis: come on Jimmy: I can take any of 'em Jimmy: don't worry 'bout that Janis: not Jimmy: not worried or not convinced I can fight my way out? Janis: not worried Janis: only so much blood I can excuse away 'fore the fam are though Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: love you too Jimmy: we're going to mine not yours, they've seen worse Janis: by all means then Janis: idiot Jimmy: so supportive you Jimmy: tah Janis: must be the love Jimmy: yeah Janis: [walks to go out but not so much ahead it's like lol bye] Jimmy: keen Jimmy: [but does catch up] Janis: when you're in you're in Janis: know you're a slag, soz Jimmy: what are you on about? Janis: am I not coming home with you now Jimmy: don't mean we have to run there Jimmy: calm down Janis: 🙄 Janis: what was it you said Janis: can't play hard to get Jimmy: I ain't touching you right now Jimmy: I'd need longer arms Janis: [stops like hurry up] Jimmy: [holds onto her when he gets there like he's about to fall down dead & trying to stop himself cos casual comedian] Janis: hope you're drunker than you reckon Janis: idiot 😏 Jimmy: how many times are you gonna call me an idiot before we get back? Janis: going for gold or nah? Jimmy: always Janis: keep it up then, babe Jimmy: 👍 Janis: school's gonna be so shit Jimmy: that's why we ain't going Janis: that's why we're putting off the inevitable Janis: but yeah Jimmy: if you'd rather go, go on Janis: obviously not Janis: open your earholes Jimmy: they are, they're just 💀 'cause of that 🎶 Janis: standard club fare Janis: poor indie boy 💔 Jimmy: piss off Janis: funny 'cos the rest of your tastes are so top40 basic Jimmy: what are you chatting shit for? Janis: just tryna end your night how you dreamed, babe Jimmy: what? Janis: more drinks and a fight, you were very specific Jimmy: I was very specific that I didn't wanna fight you, I reckon Janis: 🤷 Janis: take what you can get Janis: the only one here, like Jimmy: [stops her and is just looking at her like ??] Jimmy: [asks her what's wrong out loud 'cause now they can hear each other] Janis: [says 'I dunno'] Janis: just pissed, probably Jimmy: you've been pissed all night Jimmy: so what is it Jimmy: what did I do? Janis: it ain't you Janis: just saw someone I didn't wanna in that club alright Jimmy: okay Jimmy: [puts arm around her] Janis: [breaths deep, trying to calm down] Jimmy: hit me Janis: don't be stupid Janis: I'm not hitting you Jimmy: like you said, I'm the only one here Jimmy: & it'll make you feel better Jimmy: so go on Janis: no Janis: ridiculous Janis: [starts walking again] Jimmy: [catches up] Jimmy: nah Jimmy: serious Jimmy: come on Janis: I am not gonna hit you, Jimmy Janis: shut up Janis: [pushes him but not hard] Jimmy: I get it Jimmy: you're scared 'cause I'm so hard & northern Jimmy: don't be Jimmy: not gonna smack you back Janis: then I'm not interested Janis: fair fight or nothing so bye Jimmy: We ain't fighting Jimmy: I'm just a punching bag for a sec Jimmy: til you feel alright Janis: you're not Jimmy: not if you don't take me up on it Jimmy: but that'd be stupid Jimmy: & you're not Janis: I don't fucking want to Janis: Jesus Jimmy: why? Janis: do you wanna hit me? Jimmy: I'm not having a shit night Jimmy: & you're such a girl Janis: Oh my God, go away Janis: I know what you're trying to do Jimmy: make me Janis: [ignoring] Jimmy: that's what you'd rather do Jimmy: we coulda sorted this by now if you'd just smacked me when I said Jimmy: you reckon you're gonna fuck me up? Jimmy: Cass don't & she's harder & more northern than you Janis: well I ain't her Jimmy: obviously ain't Janis: if you wanna go date your sister be my guest Janis: probably wouldn't brag about it though Jimmy: if you wanna turn into yours go on Jimmy: definitely don't brag about it though Janis: fuck off Jimmy: no Janis: I'm going home, this is stupid Jimmy: don't be a dickhead Jimmy: you're coming home with me Janis: no i ain't Jimmy: yeah you are Janis: yeah love to see you try and make me Jimmy: stop Jimmy: I'm sorry, alright Jimmy: just Janis: not in the mood for this shit Janis: told you it weren't your fault so just go home okay Jimmy: I'm not going without you Janis: then drop it Jimmy: alright Jimmy: [lights a 🚬 cos calm down boy] Janis: how many do you actually smoke a day Jimmy: depends Janis: roughly then Jimmy: why does it matter Janis: making conversation Jimmy: well you sound like my sister Jimmy: who I don't wanna date, tah for that Janis: you brought her up Jimmy: not like that Janis: ain't my fault Janis: you were trying to make me hit you at the time so Jimmy: 'cause you should've at the time so Janis: don't start Jimmy: you brought it up Janis: twat Jimmy: don't you start Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: there's no point me coming to yours Jimmy: if that's what you reckon then there ain't Jimmy: go home then Janis: I will Janis: later Jimmy: 👍 Janis: you getting the bus? Jimmy: told you before, broke & jobless Jimmy: I can walk Jimmy: you're the one living in the middle of nowhere Janis: well I wanna run so Jimmy: I ain't stopping you Jimmy: stop typing & start moving Janis: are you gonna get lost or nah Janis: don't be a dick for a second and answer Jimmy: 1. I don't know til it happens do I, that's why I'm lost Jimmy: 2. I'm not the one being a dick Janis: [tries to give him change] Janis: get the bus Jimmy: keep your money, rich girl Jimmy: I ain't on the clock Janis: you're gonna get lost so just do it Jimmy: maybe Jimmy: but I'm in no rush to get home anyway Jimmy: so who cares Janis: you're gonna wander the streets on your tod then Jimmy: worse ways to end a night out Janis: fuck you Jimmy: fuck me 'cause you're a massive dickhead Jimmy: yeah alright Janis: you said it Janis: whatever Jimmy: I said don't keep walking away from me literally a few hours ago & you're doing it Jimmy: again Jimmy: whatever Janis: I am not, I TOLD you I was going, that ain't the same thing Jimmy: It's bollocks is what it is Jimmy: so bollocks to it Janis: what Janis: I ain't allowed to go home Jimmy: like you said, I can't stop you Jimmy: much as I bet you'd still love me to try & make you, yeah Janis: yeah Janis: got it in one Janis: that girl Jimmy: but only a girl when you say so Janis: what do you even mean by that Jimmy: you can take the piss however you want Jimmy: chat to me however you want Janis: you constantly do it back so you've got no point Janis: and if you don't like it you know what to do Jimmy: 👌 Janis: mature Jimmy: you ignored me earlier so you've got no leg to stand on Janis: 'cos I had to Jimmy: well I had to agree just then Jimmy: not really giving me much else choice, are you Janis: not my fault you're wrong Jimmy: not my fault you saw someone you didn't wanna Janis: literally said that, didn't I Jimmy: It don't matter what you say if you're still being a dickhead to me Janis: that's why I'm trying to leave Janis: no point me being at yours if I'm in a mood, that's what I said Jimmy: then just fucking go Jimmy: I told you earlier, go if you're going Janis: don't try and tell me what to do either way Janis: I was trying to fucking help you Jimmy: likewise Jimmy: with both them things Janis: fine Jimmy: [lights a new 🚬 'cause it be like that] Janis: [is a distance but clearly not that far] Janis: can I have one Jimmy: do you want me to throw it 'cause in that case no Janis: I know about your lack of sporting prowess but I ain't walking over if you ain't gonna give me one Jimmy: piss off I could Jimmy: I just don't hate you enough to set you alight Janis: your problem not mine Janis: [comes over] Jimmy: [gives her one & the lighter cos he ain't doing it 💔] Janis: tah Janis: [hands it back but don't move] Jimmy: [pockets it & likewise cos he ain't moved literally this whole time] Janis: [sighs drmatically] Jimmy: say it Janis: can't, 'fraid Janis: maybe a few insults back but not in good conscience now Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Janis: exactly Jimmy: [starts walking away finally 'cause thinks he's gotta] Janis: if I say it will you get on the bus? Jimmy: are you gonna say you're in love with the bus driver? Jimmy: 'cause sorta giving yourself away there Janis: be serious for one second, oh my GOD Jimmy: you should be happy I wanna walk Jimmy: athlete you are Jimmy: can hit the gym together and be really #goals Janis: 😑 Janis: you are so annoying Janis: I'm trying to apologize here this is why Janis: you never just shut up and listen Janis: or answer questions Jimmy: what was it you said, your problem, not mine Jimmy: 1. I'm listening all the time Jimmy: 2. I've told you, ask me Janis: I repeat myself then Janis: if I say it will you get on the bus? Jimmy: I don't wanna get the bus Jimmy: why does it matter so much Janis: because I'd rather you didn't get lost and die if it's all the same to you Janis: don'tneed that on my conscience Jimmy: I don't need it to happen to me Jimmy: so gimme some credit just once Janis: I'm not juding Janis: excuse me for giving a shit Jimmy: if you give so much of a shit come with me Janis: fine Jimmy: [is just walking casually] Janis: why don't you answer questions Jimmy: I do Jimmy: what are you on about? Janis: only if I ask again Jimmy: I answer questions Jimmy: why are you making me sound like I'm really weird? Janis: why do you make me have to pry like I'm the nosiest bitch in the world Jimmy: ? Jimmy: that's not Jimmy: I don't Janis: never mind then Jimmy: nah you obviously mind Janis: not exactly, I just wanted to know why Jimmy: I don't know what you mean Jimmy: can't help you with that Janis: alright Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [smoking in silence] Jimmy: I got an interview next week Janis: fast Janis: where? Jimmy: some other ☕ place Jimmy: they all basically have the same names Janis: True that Janis: could use some creativity so 🤞 Jimmy: this one could Jimmy: [shows her generic coffee shop on his phone] Jimmy: but I'll poach Pete the CG's shining star Janis: eye candy is all that matters anyway Jimmy: I thought you didn't wanna hit me Jimmy: really backhanded that compliment Janis: I called you creative before that but nah Janis: ignore that Jimmy: don't listen do I so Janis: apparently not Jimmy: definitely not according to you Jimmy: never is what you said Janis: now he listens Jimmy: 'cause like I said, I always do Jimmy: you on the other hand have told me I'm a good listener before, so which is it? 🤔 Janis: [stops him walking and goes to kiss him] Jimmy: you could have just told me to shut up Jimmy: even if I never do Janis: I didn't want you to Janis: I wanted to kiss you Janis: that alright? Jimmy: [kisses her really intensely 'cause yes & it's all he ever wants to do lbr] Janis: Good Jimmy: [takes her hand for hand holding] Janis: how much do you hate me then? Jimmy: so much Jimmy: don't ever stop thinking about how much I hate you Janis: good to know Janis: probably get a hobby though Jimmy: [actually lols but then uses their linked hands to pull her into another longer kiss] Jimmy: I've got one Janis: not bad Janis: I approve Jimmy: but do you really approve of my 🎨 Janis: 'course I do Jimmy: good Jimmy: what about the pink shirt? Jimmy: art in itself I know so sort of a trick question Janis: [lols] Jimmy: [is heart eyes] Jimmy: fuck Jimmy: you're Janis: I'm sorry Janis: don't let me spoil it Jimmy: you didn't let me earlier Jimmy: we're even Janis: I Janis: works for me Jimmy: maybe I'm drunker than I reckon or stupider than you reckon but do you wanna Jimmy: like piss off with me for a bit before we have to go to school Jimmy: I don't know where or how I just Janis: yeah Janis: I wanna Jimmy: we're probably gonna have to take the dog with us Jimmy: but I know you ain't 💔 Janis: yeah, devastated Janis: I jut wanna be with you, not here Jimmy: I'll call in the babysitting Gracie owes me Jimmy: much as I wanna be with you I don't want both my brother & sister to hate me at the same time Janis: that's fair Janis: we can make it happen Jimmy: say that again Jimmy: I'm really listening Janis: we can make it happen Jimmy: everything that's made it weird between us lately is other people Jimmy: Mia & your sister & all that bollocks Jimmy: & my fucking dad obviously Janis: other people are cunts Janis: coulda told you that Janis: probably did Jimmy: [lols cos she actually has I remember] Jimmy: you have Jimmy: we can't let them ruin it though, yeah Janis: I'm very wise, you should listen to me Janis: fuck that Janis: not gonna let us ruin it, never mind them, they don't even get a look in Jimmy: I really really really fucking like you Janis: that's a lot of reallys Janis: but I feel it too Jimmy: just remember it, alright Jimmy: you're pissed enough to forget loads of tonight & I don't mind if you do most of it but Janis: I love you I remember Jimmy: [make out because I can't] Janis: [hope you're near home lads] Jimmy: Janis Janis: Yep? Jimmy: how drunk are you really? Janis: Hmm Janis: probably the drunkest I've been but one time Janis: no, maybe two Janis: top three 🥉 Jimmy: okay Janis: know why you're asking Janis: but I mean it Janis: and you do too Jimmy: [just gonna put another make out here cos where's the lie but also help me jesus] Janis: know you said you'd fuck me before we got to yours, just' sayin' Jimmy: [lols but is also just looking at her like hell yeah] Jimmy: you know loads for a pisshead, you Jimmy: you ain't forgot the pub already have you? Janis: you said multiple, actually, I'm asking for one here Janis: [puppy dog eyes 'please'] Jimmy: [goes for it 'cause lbr doesn't need any convincing] Janis: fuck Janis: yes Jimmy: I'm so glad you asked Jimmy: I've been wanting to do this for ages Janis: the pub wasn't that long ago Jimmy: I know but Janis: me too Janis: I think about it all the time Jimmy: me too Janis: along with how much you hate me yeah Jimmy: yeah Janis: fine by me Janis: long as you're thinking 'bout me Jimmy: you're basically all I think about now Janis: same Janis: I like it Janis: you're better than anything else I was thinking 'bout before Jimmy: you're better than anything I've ever thought about Jimmy: I reckon Janis: Jimmy Jimmy: Janis Janis: you reckon you're not good with words but Janis: you really are, fuck Jimmy: you ain't my muse for nowt Janis: I don't even care if you're taking the piss just don't stop Jimmy: I'm not Janis: you're so special you know that Janis: I don't like anyone Jimmy: you Jimmy: I ain't good with people I'm paid to be Jimmy: so Janis: Baby Jimmy: ? Jimmy: tell me Janis: You make me happy, you know Jimmy: I gotta Jimmy: nobody else here Jimmy: you need me & I need you that's all there is Janis: I need you so bad Jimmy: I can feel it Janis: do I feel good Jimmy: 🥇 Jimmy: you're so Jimmy: [kisses her 'cause what words even] Janis: probably don't believe I was a virgin the way I act with you Jimmy: I believe you Janis: you're just Janis: different Jimmy: I've told you, I trust you Jimmy: whatever you say to me Janis: then you believe me Janis: that I love you Jimmy: I do Janis: Good Janis: it's the truth Jimmy: I know Jimmy: but the truth too is, I'm so scared of you Jimmy: I don't know how I can trust you & also that but Janis: Why? Jimmy: You're just Jimmy: so important Jimmy: & everyone else who matters is Jimmy: they just Janis: don't like me? Jimmy: don't like me, maybe Jimmy: or needs shit from me that never gonna be Jimmy: I don't know Janis: I really get it Jimmy: I said I wasn't gonna do this again Jimmy: ages ago Jimmy: but I like you too much Jimmy: I have to Janis: I'm sorry Janis: I didn't mean for it to happen Jimmy: me either Jimmy: but don't be sorry Janis: I was only ever joking about breaking your heart Janis: and I don't wanna scare you Jimmy: I know Jimmy: I'm sorry Jimmy: I don't wanna be scared Jimmy: I don't Jimmy: I just want Janis: It's okay Janis: I am too but it's okay Jimmy: [kisses because it's okay kids shh you can be in love] Janis: I won't say it again Janis: if you don't want Jimmy: I want you to say it Jimmy: whenever you feel it Jimmy: I hate not talking about things, not being allowed to Jimmy: like they just didn't happen Jimmy: but they did Janis: sometimes it's easier Jimmy: sometimes its not Jimmy: you should have the choice Jimmy: so I'm giving you yours Janis: [more kissing 'cos what can she] Jimmy: tomorrow I'm choosing to fuck you with no clothes in the way Janis: 😏 Janis: you're doing great, sweetie Jimmy: that sounded really fake Jimmy: 💔 Janis: does how wet I am for you right now feel fake Jimmy: you've never been that good at pretending Janis: don't insult me Janis: whilst Janis: very rude Jimmy: at least I didn't call you a horny mute Jimmy: can't anymore Janis: want it Janis: suits you Jimmy: you reckon? Janis: Maybe Janis: [does best to make him make noise] Jimmy: [it works] Janis: You're so fucking hot, Jimmy Jimmy: you baby Jimmy: & you can call me what you want if you do that again Jimmy: I don't care Janis: you're killing me Janis: so [does unfy thing 1] fucking [does unfy thing 2] hot [does unfy thing 3 Jimmy: [is reacting exactly as she knew he would/loving life loudly] Jimmy: it's your fault Jimmy: you reminded me I said multiple times Jimmy: so now I just want you to cum Jimmy: as many as possible Janis: you know exactly how to make that happen, baby Janis: only you Jimmy: [has to kiss her 'cause he will declare his undying love & I can't] Janis: even kissing you is fucking Janis: obscence, frankly Jimmy: [gives her more] Janis: how are you so Janis: I'm so glad you're mine Janis: I don't want anyone else to have this, have you Jimmy: I only want you Jimmy: there isn't anyone else Jimmy: [is literally trying to pull her closer even though they can't get any closer goddamn] Janis: Shit shit, Jimmy harder please I need to feel every part of you in every part of me I am so close Jimmy: [does as he's told & is also just going in on her neck 'cause wants to kiss her really hard too but also wants to hear her so] Janis: I'm gonna be loud here whilst we can Janis: don't care if anyone hears Jimmy: I don't even know where we are Jimmy: it don't matter Jimmy: just Janis: I would seriously fuck you anywhere Janis: everywhere Jimmy: I'll make school worth going to, a challenge & a promise Jimmy: I swear Janis: 😩 Janis: why is that so Jimmy: you have the skirt, yeah Jimmy: I remember seeing you in it before Janis: really Jimmy: It's not like your sister's or anything weird is it Jimmy: 'cause you looked really good Janis: no, it's mine Jimmy: thank god Jimmy: even if he don't exist Janis: 'bout as non-existent as that skirt Janis: told Miss it's not my fault I'm tall Jimmy: tah for the reminders Jimmy: that's really Janis: you're the one who wants me to wear it so Janis: 🤤 Jimmy: maybe I am ready for school to start Janis: me too but take me away first Jimmy: let's just go now Jimmy: keep walking Jimmy: not right now though Janis: gonna say Janis: hold on Jimmy: but will you Jimmy: just come with me Janis: of course I will Jimmy: [kisses her cos even though they can't go right now cos Twix etc it's cute] Janis: you're all I want Janis: and need Jimmy: you've got all of me Jimmy: I know you can feel it Janis: damn daddy Janis: actually the hottest thing you've ever said Jimmy: [does some of the hottest things he can do too just because] Janis: I've Janis: if you keep making me cum harder than I've ever before Janis: I assume I'll actually die Jimmy: I don't want to accept that challenge Jimmy: stay with me Janis: you're so Janis: I love you Jimmy: [kisses because I nearly wrote I love you too & none of me is ready] Janis: [post-sex snuggles] Jimmy: so where are we? Janis: [looks around] Janis: probably not quite far enough from town or your gaff for 'normal' people to reckon that was acceptable but what do they know Jimmy: are there still buses going? Jimmy: I'm tired Janis: poor baby Janis: you work so hard Janis: can catch the last bus just about though Jimmy: I know you are too Jimmy: we're a team Janis: Yeah Janis: don't let me fal asleep though or the bus drivers are all gonna hate me Jimmy: I won't Jimmy: you gotta make sure we don't miss our stop anyway Jimmy: redeem yourself Janis: exactly Jimmy: come on then, baby Jimmy: let's do this Janis: help me up Janis: i'm weak and it's your fault Jimmy: [picks her up, boy be careful] Janis: your girlfirned was small wasn't she Jimmy: maybe Jimmy: but who isn't compared to you Jimmy: [looking her up and down appreciatively] Janis: I hope you know if you said that to any other girl they'd literally commit Jimmy: but you ain't Jimmy: & if you want a piggyback to the bus I can give you that, for real Janis: [giggles 'cos adorable and hops on] Jimmy: [piggyback as promised cos cute nerds] Janis: [on bus] Jimmy: [snuggling & he's playing with her hair cos fave thing] Janis: stay Jimmy: fucked as my home life is we can't live on this bus Janis: please Jimmy: [snuggles into her more] Jimmy: what do you need Janis: [pokes him in the chest like you, boy] Jimmy: [does a small lol and gives her some soft kisses cos he's right here] Janis: [taps where she wants kisses next] Jimmy: [gives them and some extra cos he just wants to] Janis: [cuddles into his chest] Janis: you smell good Jimmy: I smell like you Janis: and sex Janis: it's a good smell Jimmy: the dog loves me now Jimmy: never mind your influence #yourscent Janis: 😂 Janis: she might love me a little too much Jimmy: I've been saying it since day one Jimmy: listen up, girl Janis: how many advances has one girl gotta fend off 🙄 honestly Jimmy: if she tries to come between us she ain't coming away with us Jimmy: 💔💔 gutted for you both but Janis: put your foot down, babe Jimmy: I am Jimmy: I ain't having it Janis: you're such a cute nerd Jimmy: you're so tired & pissed you can't type Jimmy: cos you meant I'm so impressive & intimidating to snide 🐶 Janis: hmm, okay Janis: what else did I mean Janis: interpret Jimmy: you can't wait to spend all day in bed with me tomorrow once my dad's fucked off to work Jimmy: & you wanna watch my fave film again & eat my fave tea 'cause you love me that much Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Janis: the cutest Janis: I agree Janis: with myself Jimmy: nah but seriously we gotta plan how we're getting out of here Jimmy: when & where Jimmy: I reckon we could go tomorrow night if we get our shit together Jimmy: & you ain't too hungover to do your bit Janis: 'scuse you Janis: would never thwart us like that Jimmy: not your fault Jimmy: I challenged you Janis: you gonna still be nice to me then, even if I'm dying and useless? Jimmy: maybe Jimmy: if you look pretty while you're doing it, or nowt as the case could be Janis: 😒 oh I'll do my best to make death look seductive Jimmy: 🎨 Jimmy: are your parents gonna give you shit for going? Janis: like to see 'em try Janis: but no Jimmy: 👍 Janis: what about your dad Jimmy: that's a given Jimmy: probably fuck up the other side of my face Jimmy: again 🎨 like Janis: 😣 Janis: maybe I shoulda smacked you to beat him to it, like Janis: [snuggles more instinctively] Jimmy: I did tell you, girl Janis: you know you say a lot of things, babe Jimmy: you telling me to shut up? bit rude Janis: No, I like it Janis: you're Jimmy: [soft kisses cos soft mood] Janis: too nice Jimmy: nah Jimmy: decent amount Janis: if you do say so yourself 😏 Jimmy: #selflove babe Janis: now who sounds like my sister Janis: I'll leave, like Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: but don't Janis: fine, fine Janis: I'll watch you selflove Jimmy: steady on Jimmy: there's only so many times on buses before I get a rep Janis: 😂 Janis: control yourself then Jimmy: but you're so much better at it Jimmy: ain't my fault Janis: if that's your excuse you'll never do nothing Janis: 🥇 me Jimmy: my excuse for why I'm doing nowt, exactly Jimmy: 👍 Janis: you're welcome then Jimmy: 💕 Janis: where are we gonna go Jimmy: I don't know Jimmy: as long as you're coming, I don't care too much Janis: same Janis: [look of love bitch] Jimmy: [more kisses] Janis: I'm so Janis: 😴 Jimmy: get your head down for a bit Jimmy: I'll wake you up Janis: I'm so tough though Jimmy: that's why I need you to save your energy though Jimmy: protect me from 🐶s & the big wide world Jimmy: 💪 Janis: 💕 Janis: okay baby Janis: [is snoozy] Jimmy: [is playing with her hair & being a soft boy until he has to wake her up which he'd do out loud in a cute way] Janis: [is all cute and disorientated like wut] Janis: hey Jimmy: [is the most heart eyes ever & kisses her so soft cos the CUTEST sleepy girl he's ever seen good day] Jimmy: come on Janis: 👍 Janis: forgot where I was then Jimmy: hold onto that feeling when we get in Jimmy: pretend we've already left Janis: [kisses him as they getting off the bus like 'scuse you bus driver  but less soft 'cos obviously the mood for going away] Janis: easy Janis: 💪 Jimmy: [look of love bitch & handholding as they walk to his] Janis: I hope you can stay and Bobby stays asleep Janis: does that make me a bitch Jimmy: if it does we're both bitches Janis: #bossbitchesamiriteladiez Jimmy: [lols] Jimmy: if you've trained that dog at all he shouldn't wake up it's well late now Janis: I'll bribe her Janis: #protrainertip Jimmy: so you're trying to train me too, then Jimmy: how's that going? Janis: you know, have your moments but on the whole Janis: say I'd got you where I want you, like Jimmy: 🤔 Jimmy: [picks her up again cos he's a massive nerd] Jimmy: yeah, I'd say the same about you Janis: [giggles 'cos loves it] Janis: I'm alright with it too Jimmy: good Jimmy: [is just carrying her around like an idiot, boy stop you aren't Buster & she ain't Rio you can't] Janis: drop me and you're dead Jimmy: you're probably the 💀 one Jimmy: [looks down dramatically] Jimmy: it's a long way down, babe Janis: such a giant Janis: 😉 Jimmy: 😳 Janis: awh baby Janis: don't, you're just right, remember? Jimmy: I'll take the reminder Janis: [kissing on his neck like bitch be careful you gonna get dropped] Jimmy: shit Jimmy: I get it, you want us to die together Janis: not exactly what I had in mind Jimmy: 'course it is Jimmy: peak romance Jimmy: never switch off, you Jimmy: that romantic Janis: 😂 Janis: okay, said you weren't down for that challenge but you can kill me Jimmy: [gives a very sexy smooch cos okay] Janis: [gets down or this'll end badly lmao] Janis: I like you a lot you know Jimmy: I know but Jimmy: keep letting me know Janis: I will Janis: but quietly Janis: 😇 Jimmy: I Jimmy: you're just so Janis: tell me 'bout it sometime, okay Jimmy: but loudly, yeah Janis: mhmm Janis: showing me is fine for now Jimmy: [lil handsy make out cos gotta show her something] Janis: 😍😍😍 Janis: we need to go inside Jimmy: [conflicted cos doesn't ever wanna but also does wanna so takes her hand] Jimmy: alright Janis: [squeezes his hand 'cos knows and feels it] Jimmy: [go in & to his room, twix hears them like a ro & comes outta Cass' room & with but can only hear her dancing feet its okay] Janis: [gives her plenty of fuss and loves] Jimmy: [doesn't cos has to pretend he's a hater instead plugs both their phones in cos must be fucking flagging by now I don't care if it's the future] Janis: [is reclining and pats the bed next to her and Twix immediately goes to that spot like lmao too slow] Jimmy: [is literally like 😒 but IRL] Janis: [lols 'cos such a cute grump and has to skillfully move Twix like calm down girl] Jimmy: [still grumpy faced but gets next to her] Janis: [Big spoons him] Jimmy: [let's it happen & Twix lie with him so he's like the middle of a sandwich lol] Janis: [casual happy fam bye, scratching his back and giving him the neck/shoulder massages always] Jimmy: [is sleepy cos that's so relaxing bye] Janis: [let 'em snooze] Jimmy: [okay but hear me out FINALLY DROPS THE L WORD out loud when he's basically asleep cos]

[internetremix]

This is a dumb question but do any of you have any advice in gaining self-esteem/self confidence? These past few years, I've started to become not that confident of a person. People just tell me to just "have some confidence in myself". But... I just find it so hard to like myself. I feel that voice actors like you guys that put yourselves out there would have something to say. Do any of you have some advice?

Kristen: We’ve had this ask for awhile and I apologize for taking so long to get to it.

Uprising: Idfk I'm not confident enough to answer lelI hate myself BUT I do think I'm pretty  good at some things. Honestly is just do it and appreciate ur talents

Invidebit: My philosophy for gaining more confidence and what I’ve been following is along the lines of “fake it ��til you make it”. Pretending to be something you’re not or having artificial confidence might seem kind of backwards, but it’s kind of like how physically smiling can make us feel a little better emotionally. With time, I think you’ll start to feel change within yourself. Even benign things like power stances or holding your head higher can help out, heh heh. You’ve probably heard this one a lot too, but focus on the things you personally are good at. What makes you special? What kinds of things do you enjoy doing? It’s important to have a positive mindset and a forward-facing outlook on your life. If there’s something you’re not as good as you’d like to be at, remember that there’s always room to improve. Don’t feel ashamed. There’s never a reason to feel badly about yourself. Oh, and also! Be wary of getting in your head and overthinking things. Sometimes it’s best to go with the flow and put yourself out there.

Jojo: I don't know much about gaining self confidence ;-;

Kristen: I struggle a lot with self confidence and lately I’ve been working with my therapist on it. One thing that I know hits a lot of people is the feeling that they aren’t good enough at various skills. Something we discuss a lot is how society tends to have a view that if you aren’t the best at something, you aren’t good enough and you should strive to be better and also feel bad that you aren’t THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST OF YOOOOU (I’m sorry this is a very lame joke). But the truth is if we’re honest, most people fall in the average category and really? Average is good enough for plenty of average people. I’m not the best artist, but I work to improve and my art is still appreciated by a lot of people. I’m not a great singer and tbh plenty of people don’t appreciate my incredibly eh singing... but that’s something I can work on and over time I can improve it. I’ll probably never be the best and it’s okay to be kind to myself and learn to be okay with that.Self criticism is a common factor in beating down your self confidence. Give yourself space to grow. One thing that can also help to talk yourself up is to treat yourself like you would a friend. If you were from the outside looking in, what good things do people say about you? A friend doesn’t hear all those negative thoughts and they aren’t as intimately familiar with your flaws as you are. A friend sees your good qualities and tries to help you build them up. Criticism has it’s place and helps you improve, but if it’s mean... well, that’s not a very good friend, is it? You’re okay. Maybe you’re even good at thing. Maybe you’re not great and there things to improve... and that’s okay too. Be 

I’ve gotten a lot more confident as a streamer and performer over the past year-  as stated above, I’m not great, I’m average, and I still find myself comparing myself to other people a lot and it makes me less confident. But the truth is my “good” will never be the same as someone else’s good because I’m not someone else, I’m me. Over time, you’ll learn to find your you and that can build to be pretty darn good.

Be kind to yourself. People talk down the “you’re special” thing because those darn millennials and their participation trophies, but fuck that. You are special. That doesn’t mean you’re entitled to anything, it doesn’t mean you’re the best at anything, it doesn’t mean you stick out head and shoulders above someone else in any way. It just means when you do a thing, when you step up, when you are yourself, no one else is gonna be quite like you. You are special in the sense that you have a unique experience and viewpoint, and that’s worth celebrating. Celebration, I find, can certainly help with confidence.

Be kind to yourself, remind yourself you have things to be proud of, and if you don’t feel it fake it until you make it. The rest just takes time and that’s okay.

[pass3rby]

Element of Surprise

#1

Fandom: X-men (movies) Pairing: Allerdrake (Pyro/Iceman) Summary: Everybody has to make decisions. Decisions that might or might not work out. He wasn’t in a habit of looking back either way.

A/N: 

Greatest thanks to my brother from another mother for bestowing an infectious prompt upon me and all the wretched jokes that accompanied his insightful comments. You’ve been a great help and an ass at the same time.  The rest of my gratitude belongs to my dear family who has an immaculate sense of recognizing each highlight and “I saw the light!” moment of my writing, reliably and effectively ruining every single one of them. You’ve been an invaluable teacher of forced multitasking (which I still fail at spectacularly).  Thank you, guys, for harassing me at the most unfortunately-picked times imaginable but standing by me still.  Love you.

St. John Allerdyce was a survivalist. And this might be a very sucky way to begin one's story, but he was nothing but cut-the-crap kind of guy, so go deal.

Where was he again? Ah, yes. Good at the pretend game, he knew how to play tough; easily irked when deprived of a fire source. Bad-tempered, really. All of these stellar qualities went well with him being a realist to the bone. Wrap it up and ship it off.

He wasn't confessing all that out of some twisted delusion of having a chance at redemption, though. Wanting to save his tar-dark soul? No. It was only so that when he says that he's done morally questionable things to pull through, it would be clear that it was no slip up, not a 'few times' kind of deal. He's actually done them more often than not. Not that he counted; just saying. That was what he meant by being a survivalist. That was what this was about.

The main point here? He kept on going. Always found a way. Pushed. Squeezed in. Got his hands dirty. Gritted his teeth. Whatever it took. Morality was overrated where he lived; nobody abided by it anyway, so why should he? He was just a 'misfit' trying to get by, same as the next guy from a broken home.

On the streets and on his own. Making it, no matter the circumstances. That was the source of his pride. He might have turned out brash as a result, distrusting on a good day and suspicious round the clock, but who gave a shit. Certainly not him, not when it kept him alive this whole time.

When the X-men found him, he didn't feel elation; not even relief and he was far from thankful, too. He suspected the worst and he kept on running from them until they corralled him in and got him on their overly flashy and disgustingly impressive jet.

They took him in; full of reassurances that he'll be alright from then on, that he'll be safe now. Who were they to tell him that? Who were they to be so sure about it, to have balls to warrant that? What was the guarantee? Their skin-tight black&yellow spandex? If so, allow him to doubt the empty promise, because those were a sight for sore eyes – literally, just to make them sore.

Everything would work itself out and quite naturally in its usual, wary and solitary way, though (after all, once you lean onto someone, you're only bound to fall sooner or later) – if only they didn't have Bobby Drake on their "team" already.

The guy was way too cheery and overly friendly. Optimistic. An impersonification of a 'Think positive!' attitude, "Not made from concentrate, one hundred percent natural". It was almost like he was shooting for some such ad twenty-four seven. Think about the descriptive adjectives for a straight-laced goody two shoes from suburbs; you name it, he's that.

Everything was perfect.

Everything was dandy.

Bullshit.

He couldn't stand the guy. The poster boy irritated him; got on his nerves like no one else before. John was way too pragmatic to join this sort of let's pretend. But when dear Bobert started cracking, show that not everything was quite so well in his lala land… That's when John took real notice and interest.

You see, he couldn't be arsed to give a flying fuck about some fake looser, but a kid who had his whole life perfectly lined up and sorted only to get "screwed over" by mutation his parents wouldn't take well to? That was John's kind of real that he was willing to interact with.

Sure, Drake was still a sunny boy with majority of views intact and therefore headdesk-ishly naive, but he wasn't all plain "guy next door" (quotation marks because same door actually) anymore. And while John's own personality and stands had been torn down or have crumbled and been rebuilt time and time again, making him into who he was (coincidentally basically the opposite of his roommate), he and the Snowflake there suddenly had a link of communication and it held ever since then. Thus, their companionship begun.

It didn't hurt they both were element-sensitive – that wasn't to say their co-existing was a cakewalk, though. After all, like Ice and Fire, they too were diametrically different. Just a small example to draw a picture here: while Bobby was afraid of his abilities, scared of his element, John felt an undeniable thrill whenever setting free his own; he loved to see fire reign over anything in its way, watch it burn strong.

Ultimately, their mindsets resulted in both of them failing and it was all for the best that they were roommates in the end, because accidents.

Reason number two was that they were a good "confidence boost" and "recklessness dampener" (whatever) respectively for each other, too. That's what their instructors said, but if anybody asked John what it was for him, he just simply enjoyed coaxing Sub-Zero ("Very funny, you pyromaniac." "C'mon, that was weak. You'll have to do better than that, Ice Cube.") out of his shell, letting his fire frolic with its counter element. Negative and positive of the same, if you wanted to get poetic.

Of course, there was also the aspect of them both being young and as such, hormone-driven, too. He was always open to some serious self-exploring opportunity. Safe environment for that wasn't a given, not for him, and even less so in combination with someone begrudgingly-trustworthy (i.e. with no other agenda hidden behind the forementioned romping between the sheets).

It was nothing; just fooling around – one that was kept secret from their teachers and anyone, really, since Bobby-boy was too chickenshit to admit to a healthy dose of experimenting himself. John couldn't care less; he wasn't the guy's keeper after all.

Until he somehow turned out to be. What was worse? Without him even expecting it. You see, the thing was… he kinda screwed himself over. For all his puffed-up chest and big shoulders about how he was prudent and cautious, he landed himself in a swamp (or moving sand if he'd so chose to rather stay dry; same difference, though) right there. Knee deep and it was only a matter of time until it swallowed him up whole.

It was all the Ice-berk's ("I'm not stupid, John!" "Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night.") fault. If he wasn't so pure and open and easy to approach – hell, he, approaching him all of his own! – in the first place, John wouldn't have fallen into this trap.

Who was he kidding. He blew it. Big time.

But it was still all good, right? What he meant was, there was no rush or anything. They could simply keep at it the way they had up til now with Ice Ice Bobby none the wiser and everyone chilling, pun intended.

He should have known that he was never meant to have a happy end. Not ever (as if life hadn't showed him enough indications to that already) and definitely not with Snow White on top of that. When had he sunken so low as to think he even could?

Shame. Shame on you, St. John Allerdyce.

As he was forced to witness and live the changes that wafted in after Rogue's appearance and continued presence, years of evolved camaraderie and any ease connected to it began to shrivel.

He had suddenly more free time on his hands than what he knew what to do with, his subconsciousness developed an almost uncontrollable need for a facepalm at least once per every 24 hour mark, his teeth were bound to rot any day now with the diabetes-inducing teenage romance developing before his eyes and he better man-the-fuck-up right now, because he did not make it this far only to become a sob story.

So, he watched with skeptical interest as Bobby, encouraged by Rogue's supporting words, froze his mother's disgustingly milk-ruined coffee instead. John knew long before they had even opened their mouths, what side Bobby's parents would pick, what their reaction would be. He could not keep his sarcastic thoughts pointed at his roommate from emerging then.

Why did you think, all of a sudden, they won't mind? We talked about your bigoted parents so many times… You think that you having a girlfriend like a good, normal teenage boy somehow neutralizes your negative mutant points?

If not knowing better, John would say Bobby did it on purpose just to fuck with him. Nobody could be that sickeningly foolish after all. And the Drakes? He silently dared them to surprise him; to call their "Art teacher" out on his blatant lie even. To prove him wrong.

Which would be when Wolverine got shot in the head right infront of them. That did surprise him, John will give them that.

An unexpected rush of everything followed right after and with startling clarity.

One too many black eyes.

Sleeping in a cardboard box, freezing (nobody cared).

Broken jaw.

Stealing a pack of matches the first time around – to get to feel at least a bit safe (they were too tricky to operate, to strike with shaking hands, wrong move there wrong wrong wrong).

Hungry, impotent anger.

Running away.

The breath; foul and heavy with booze.

First fire (pure accident please!).

His mother on the floor, bleeding (never fighting back; just taking it run!).

Heavy hands.

Cops chasing him back into slums (you'd have to know it here better to catch me, assholes).

Bloodshot bottomless eyes. A vortex about to swallow him up, too.

Events flashing before his mind's eye at random and in no chronological order.

His heart not having a foggiest how to deal with the overabundance of adrenaline that jumped up out of nowhere.

"And the rest of you, on the ground. Now."

He could almost physically feel Wolverine, right before his feet, lifeless.

See Bobby, lying down, obedient.

"Look, kid. I said, on the ground."

Rogue, too; docile.

They can't be serious. Why were they kidding themselves? They were gonna die here.

"We don't want to hurt you, kid."

Really. The fucking cop just shot Wolverine. If they won't protect themselves… They're dead. If he's not gonna do anything now…

He gulped. Palmed his zippo; the warmed-up steel that bit slicker with sweat. Or sick memory?

C'mon, Pyro, show up. Fight.

In the pit of his stomach, hot magma twisted and curled, warming him up until he could almost sense the licks of unborn fire on his fingertips.

There.

He won't lie down. Not until he's six feet under.

A/N: So I’ve found something of a themesong for EoS I think. If you’re wondering, you can check it here.

A bit of explanation on a side:

My idea is that St. John Allerdyce still has Australian background, he just moved to US with his family when he was a small kid or something. So... just bear with the little mess, please. I love him being "St. John" way too much as to delete half of it from my story.

Also, I’ll deviate a bit from the movies timeline (which is a tangle anyway) in this version (I got two total, don’t panic), which you’ll notice on the transition from X-2 movie to X-3.

[bondsmagii]

hey ratthew this is dumb but like. That decadent aesthetic life sounds good as fuck and I’ve been trying to adopt that mindset but I’m in one of those ruts where absolutely nothing is enjoyable or exciting and I’ve got no passion for anything or anyone and I hate myself a WHOLE LOT. Like deep down I really want romance and hedonism and sin!! but I don’t? feel shit?? Like I haven’t had a crush or been really excited abt smth in years. How do i go from joyless sad bastard to aesthetic fun bastard

sounds like the Morbs man… I know that well tbh and something that I find helps at least some of the time is to just embrace it. like you can’t do this all the time you know but there’s a certain level of decadence just lounging in your bed and being dramatic and melancholy so if all else fails you got that!!

but in regards to the rest of the time the thing I do is I kind of throw myself into it even more. like it’s partially a stubbornness thing and partially a spite thing but like, I also remember that really, not giving a damn like that is kind of the foundation of decadence? how else are you gonna be hedonistic as fuck if you’re worried about like, liking yourself at the end of it lmao. this is probably kind of dark but sometimes I find that my hedonism is at its best when I just Don’t Fucking Care and then I end up doing really cool shit and I think to myself “you know what?? I’m actually having a pretty good time here” and I sort of shake myself out of it. 

I don’t know if this works for everyone but that and a combination of “fake it til you make it” was what got me on track. the big thing I’ve learned from all this aesthetic stuff is that instead of looking at things and thinking “man I want to be the kind of person who does that shit” I can like… be the kind of person that does that shit. and so I go and I do it. and the more you realise your actual self is aligning with your ideal self, the better you feel. it’s a slow process and you have to keep at it, but it’s so worth it.

[thotyssey]

On Point With: Martyr

Whether she’s turning it in the Upper West Side with a drawn-on beard or making the Brooklyn children weep with a melancholy dirge, drag vampire Martyr is rapidly becoming a nightlife presence we'll all be kneeling to soon enough!

Thotyssey: Martyr, hello! So today isn't nearly as gross and sweaty as recent days, which reminds us that summer is coming to an end. Is that good news, bad news or whatevs?

Martyr: Hey hey! Oh, it’s such good news. I’m not much a summer goth... Fall is where I really shine.

Fabulous! And of course, before you know it it'll be Halloween. I know a lot of queens are all "meh, everyday is Halloween," but I bet you are all about  October.

Oh, for sure! I try to do a different costume or theme each week in October. I love an excuse to dress ridiculous!

Where did you grow up, and how did this drag journey begin?

I’m a Florida boy (which doesn’t really mesh with the aesthetic, but what can you do). I started performing in 2014 for FSU’s amateur drag show. I looked like a brick, but somehow wowed the judges enough to end up in third place. I’ve always been a closeted lip-syncer at home, but that was the starting point of Martyr. I honestly didn’t really consider myself a queen ‘til moving to Brooklyn, where I had such a quick development.

How would you describe your aesthetic and performing style today?

Carlos the Uber Driver called me the “Spooky Ooky Brooklyn Ghost,” and I think that pretty much sums it up. I always lean more towards the sad / emotional / dramatic performances, ‘cause it’s very easy for me to tap into. I feel like a lot of drag is about celebrating our queerness--and that’s so important--but I also think we need time to mourn / get our feelings out. I think I really shine when it comes to performing and movement. I love channeling different emotions, through my fingers... a style I picked from Untitled Queen.

You're tailor-made for Patti Spliff's monthly Rosemont show “Sad Songs!” Have you done that one yet?

Not yet! But I’ve met Patti before, and she’s honestly such a sweetheart. And “Sad Songs” is always amazing. Here’s hoping in the future!

I saw clips from performances of yours at both MR(S) BK & the Ultimate Drag Pageant, and at both you performed Sufjan Stevens songs from the Call Me By Your Name soundtrack. Unusual choice, but effective! So you don't consider the gender of the singer when you're choosing a lip sync?

Haha! I just love my boy Sufjan. He uses a lot of gay imagery. Also, I feel like I already read so androgynous, that gender has never been an issue. Half the time, I’m not even in a wig.

You're actually one of the few queens I've seen who regularly applies fake facial hair, with makeup or two-dimensional pieces. Is that to make you look more Antichrist-like?

Yeah, kinda! When I first started, I didn’t even know bearded queens existed. I was super uncomfortable with my masculinity, and I saw beards as, like, a point of envy. So to do this weird hybrid of masculine and feminine drag was to help get comfortable in my own skin. The Christ-like thing was a whole other story, but certainly a part of the beard.

 How did you enjoy the whole MR(S) experience? That was a pretty epic pageant.

Absolutely loved it. It was my first exposure to the Brooklyn scene, and I made a lot of friends because of it--like my good sis Emi Grate, Laé D. Boi, Linda Felcher and a dozen other girls. I’m already prepping for next year’s showcase.

There was a lot of drama amongst the finalists.

I was far removed... just eating popcorn in the back!

I hear that! And now here you are with a very different group of queens, competing weekly for this season's Ultimate Drag Pageant at the West End! What made you want to enter this competition... and do you feel a very different energy from those queens as opposed to your Brooklyn fam?

I saw last season’s UDP when I went to support Carlos and Tiffany Anne Coke, and saw it as a different venue to try new things out. I love getting feedback about performances and looks, so a competition setting works best for that. And it was also a completely different crowd and mindset, but I think I’ve generally been accepted, haha! I went in thinking “these Manhattan girlies were gonna hate on the Brooklyn weirdo,” but everyone has been so friendly and kind. I’m looking forward to the finale stunts!

By the way, how did you know Carlos and Tiffany?

We started doing drag in Manhattan together at Barracuda’s Star Search. And we’ve been each other’s internet bullies ever since.

You'll be returning to Brooklyn pageantry this Thursday for Round 3 of the Mx. Nobody prelims at Brooklyn Bazaar. That's on the same night as UPD! How are you gonna swing that?

I’m using my one skip for UDP for it! I was booked for Mx. Nobody before UDP came up, but knew I wanted to be part of both. I’m bummed to be missing Hollywood Week, ‘cause I wanted to try something more glam. But I’m super-excited and nervous for Mx. Nobody, as I’m doing a performance about how I got my drag name! It’s gonna be one interesting night.

And then on Sunday, you'll be at Bizarre Bushwick for Thee Suburbia's monthly lunar-themed show “Full Moon!” What shall you be bringing there?

I haven’t quite decided yet! I’m thinking of bringing my “Ignorance” performance I did a few weeks ago at UDP. Who knows? But bet on something spooky.

What else is going on in the world of Martyr?

I’ve been trying to do some more performance art pieces out and about in the city that question queer bodies in non-queer spaces, like a going to specific museums / exhibits in drag and such. I’m also working on my Masters at NYU for Museum Studies. All that academic nonsense.

Good for you! Side question: The new American Horror Story season... will it be everything, or godawful?

I always get hyped for the new season (I blame the promos), but then I’m left disappointed by the end of it. This being a crossover season has me intrigued, but with my two least favorite seasons? I’m not too hopeful.

Agreed! Okay, in closing: when you die in 200 years and come back as a ghost, and you have to haunt one place forever, where will you haunt?

OMG gag! I already feel like I’m haunting everywhere. Hmmm... but probably the Whitney Museum. Great art, great view, and tons of cute artsy boys. Gay heaven right there.

Boo yeah!  Thank you, Martyr!

Check Thotyssey’s calendar for her upcoming appearances, and follow Martyr on Facebook and Instagram.

On Point Archives

[jolivia-things]

"I just think that their co-parenting relationship is perfectly fine where the kids are concerned."// totally and thank goodness he's mature enough to put his feelings on the back burner for his children. It made me sad, they didn't even like glance or smile at one another to share the moment, they were both just experiencing it on their own. She really f-ed up that whole situation

I think it's hard to really guage a relationship from a few short videos. Jason was concentrating on filming really, but I guess the kind of smiles and fondness comes back with time? I guess Jason is in a bit of a 'fake it til you make it' mindset and the rest will follow.

Like you say, he's been mature enough to put his feelings on the back burner so I think he's mature enough to make it work long term for the kids.

[dancejourneyaccountability]

The Mental Health Hurdles of Sticking to Big Ambitious Plans

If you love love love to plan, and you get really excited about your plans in the beginning and dive headfirst into them, but pretty soon you fizzle out, and before you know it, you’re making a new plan... then you’re a lot like me!

The pattern goes:

Recognize a problem/need/deficiency in your life

Make a big ambitious plan to solve it

Attempt to follow the plan

It doesn’t go well

Feel bad about yourself for not following the plan (my roommate gets very annoyed at me when I’m in this phase)

Give up

Live with your defeat until you’re ready to make a new plan

I’m seeing this pattern playing out once again in my plan to train myself for professional ballet. I wanted this time to be different. I was careful to set realistic goals and ease into it. I set up a Tumblr to hold myself accountable. I avoided telling anyone, because for some reason, the moment I tell someone my latest plan is usually the moment I start to fail. But it’s three weeks in, and I’m definitely in step 4. The cycle is repeating.

I think there’s a deeper reason for this behavioral pattern, and I think getting to the bottom of it is how I will finally break out of this cycle.

(All of this is based on my personal experiences and feelings and is not any kind of professional psychological analysis.)

Do I suconsciously want to fail?

Consciously, I want to succeed at this more than anything, but it could be that there’s a deeper-rooted belief about myself that’s holding me back. What if there’s a part of my brain that wants me to fail?

Do I believe that I don’t deserve success? That I’m incapable of success?

Am I afraid of committing to a long-term plan? Is it more comfortable and familiar to just keep going back to the planning process, rather than moving forward?

Honestly, I think all of those things are true. I’ve spent basically my whole life believing that no matter how hard I practiced, I didn’t have the pre-professional training or the body type to be a professional ballerina. I didn’t even believe I was good enough to perform professionally in any context until after I graduated with my BA in dance. I was incapable of success. I “wasn’t cut out for it.” The cards were stacked against me. Those were my internalized beliefs.

As for committing to a long term plan, that definitely scares me. Up until graduation, my life had so much structure, and then all of a sudden I’m an adult, and I can do literally whatever I want. I only have one life to live, and way too much freedom to decide what to do with it. My greatest fear is regret, and if I make the wrong decision, I may regret my whole adult life.

A mindset to combat those fears

I had an “aha” moment while writing that last paragraph. I said, “If I make the wrong decision, I may regret my whole adult life” and I realized...

If I don’t pursue dance to my fullest potential, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

It’s really that simple. Even if I open a studio, impact thousands of students, contribute influential work to dance academia, create an internationally renowned dance education method... even if all of those things come true, I will always look back and think, was I the best dancer that I could have been?

I can’t move on to teaching until I’ve peaked as a performer. It’s like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. I need to achieve Self-Actualization.

What could I accomplish if I just believed I was capable of it? I think in order to succeed in my plan, I need to truly, deeply believe that I’m capable of succeeding.

Believing you’re capable of something is easier said than done. I think I’m gonna have to fake it til I make it. I’ll just keep telling myself I believe it until it starts being true.

My new mindset/things to remember:

I am fully capable of whatever goal I work towards wholeheartedly.

I have not peaked yet.

I can be the one who overcomes the odds. I can be an inspiration to others.

I know someone personally who went from okay to amazing at exactly my age, all while working a full-time job. If she can do it, so can I.

The fact that this goal is ridiculously difficult, wouldn’t be accepted by most people, isn’t a normal adult thing to do, and is the absolute riskiest direction I could take my life right now... is the reason it’s exactly what I should do.

My life will never go how I expect it to. It never has. It’s always turned out so much more beautiful than I could have imagined, and tied together in the most wonderful ways. Whatever the outcome of my goal, I am confident that I will still love my life.