#fanboying over this man like my life depends on it

[v3lnys]

his little teeth... save me pretty boy

[mrsjobarnes]

Not the only cowboy 

Summary: Jake had never been the type of guy to fall first, maybe you’ll be the one to change that. 

Jake Seresin x Nurse!reader 

Word count: 1k 

Likes & comments are welcome! 

Please do not steal my work! 

A/N ~ Hey yall! Thank you to @gretagerwigsmuse for helping me with this!! The idea popped into my head while I was listening to “Country Girl” by Luke Bryan. Hope yall enjoy 

Masterlist | Next Chapter

“Penny, who is that gorgeous southern bell that was just at the bar?” Jake asks. He was looking over his shoulder at you. He’ll admit that you are the prettiest girl he has seen at the Hard Deck in a long time. 

“None of your business, Hangman,” Penny said, rolling her eyes. Jake doesn’t give her response time to resonate before he takes his drink back to the pool table. As the night drags on, Bradley serenades everyone with his rendition of Great Balls of Fire. 

“Y/N you should go ask him to sing a song,” your friend said. After a shot, you decide what’s the worst that could happen and go for it. 

“Hey, that was one hella of a song, how about one more,” you said with a smirk 

“What did you have in mind?” he said flirtatiously. 

“What about Jackson?” you said. After y’all decide on a key to sign in he starts playing away as if his life depended on it. And after the first few notes, Jake knew exactly what song it was. He put his pool stick down and watched you and Bradley sing. He was in a trance as you sang. 

“Might want to stop gawking before she notices,” Phoenix said with a chuckle. 

“I am not gawking, I’m just admiring their taste in music,” Jake said, eventually taking Phoenix’s advice and returning to his game. Bradley proceeds to walk up with you and your friends just moments later. 

“Guys, this is Y/N and her friends,” Bradley said, gathering everyone’s attention. You and your friends go around introducing yourself. A warm feeling grows in your stomach when you lay your eyes on Jake. 

“Is that a southern accent I'm hearing?” he asked, fully knowing the answer. 

You blushed. “Yeah, I'm from Kansas but I went to college in Georgia and lived in Norfolk, Virginia for work. I just relocated” you said. 

Jake nodded along, wanting to know why you were in Norfolk and where you were at the same time. “Norfolk, are you military?” he asked. 

You shook your head and explained that you are a contracted nurse practitioner for the Navy. They all nodded, and then someone named Fanboy asked where you were being sent. 

“They have me at Top Gun right now, I'm the main nurse for one of the squads,” you said. 

They all nodded along and moved on to ask your friend what she did. Jake could care less at the moment. All he could think about was whose squad you were stationed with - 

“- What squad are you stationed with?” Jake blurted out, interrupting your friend. His own friends gave him a look. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” he said, scratching behind his head. He patiently waited while your friend explained what she did. 

“I have no idea who I’m with, all I know is that their commander requested me,” you said. As you and the group found a flow of conversation, Jake couldn’t help but wonder if you’d be with the Dagger Squad. “Alrighty guys, I don’t know about all of you, but I have to be on base at 7:00 I’m so I'm heading out,” you said with a smile. Your friend agreed and you both headed to pay off your tab. 

As you walked away, Jake was met with a smack to the back of his head. He turned around to see the squad glaring at him. “Don’t even think about it,” Phoenix said, while the rest of the group nodded in agreement. He put his hand on his chest and gasped. 

“Think about what, Phoenix? I don’t like these accusations” he said. They all rolled their eyes and laughed. He knew he was a man-whore, but normally they didn’t say anything. 

“Just think about it, dude, if you piss her off the whole team would have to be careful around all of the nurses on base. So, just find a different girl.” Javy said, patting Jake on the shoulder. Pretty soon after that, the team left for the night. 

The next morning when the team showed up for training, they were all asked to go to one of the classrooms. Normally, if they were going to one of those it either meant a mission or someone did something stupid. Once they were seated, they started interrogating each other till Maverick walked in. 

“Hey, Mav, do you know what this is about,” Bradley asked. Mav shook his head no and then joined the gossip circle till Cyclone walked in with you following in tow. 

Cyclone explained that you would be the Dagger Squad’s team nurse and that you’d be doing new medical evaluations today. You quickly explained the schedule of who you needed to see and Cyclone left. You couldn’t slap the smile off of Jakes face even though he wasn’t getting evaluated till after lunch. 

As the day dragged on the team had done their regular training maneuvers and it was now time for lunch. As the team ate, Jake was planning on ways to ask you out. “Hello!! Earth to Hangman” Bradley said. 

“Huh,” Jake said, realizing that the team was staring at him waiting for a response. “Sorry, what was the question,” he said. 

“We just wanted to know if you wanted to do a beach day this Saturday?” Bradley said. 

BINGO that’s how Jake would ask you out. He’d invite you to the squad hangout. 

“Sure, that sounds fun,” he said as he focused on finishing his lunch. 

“Hey Y/N over here,” Phoenix said, waving you over. You quickly walked over and sat across from him and next to Phoenix. “So, how is your first day at Top gun,” she asked you. 

As you explained the ins and outs of all the paperwork you had to fill out, Jake noticed how your face lit up. He would do anything to see that again. Once you were done, Phoenix proceeded to invite you to the beach day. 

Well, shit there goes my idea. He couldn’t be too mad though because that meant you’d be there. 

Once y’all had finished lunch you said your goodbyes and called Jake over. “Are you ready to go?” you asked. He nodded and followed you. “I promise it is not going to take long. Hate to keep you out of the sky,” you said while you unlocked your office and examination room. He laughed and you smiled. 

God did you have the prettiest smile he thought. 

“If you don’t mind sitting on the table we can get started,” you said, grabbing your computer and paperwork. “Okay, let’s get started. Do you smoke or vape?” you asked. 

“No, those are cancer sticks, ma’am,” he said. 

“Good answer and no need to call me ma’am, just call me Y/N.” You smiled and asked some more questions while also checking his breathing, heart rate, and blood pressure. “Okay we just need a blood sample and then we are good.” 

As you prepared to take his blood, you remembered you forgot a question to ask him: “Are you sexually active?” you asked, looking up through your eyelashes. 

Jake’s brain damn near melted. “Um yes,” he stumbled, being caught off guard. You nod and finish taking his blood and tell him his blood results will be done soon. All he could think about was you looking at him with thoughts doe eyes asking such an intimate question. Granted you had to for your job, but it had him rocking a semi to the locker room. 

[bunniibones]

If you have drawn The other Constellation squad, can we see them soon if can show them? I love Dr. Shell and Dr. Supernova's designs that you gave them! Especially Dr. Shell's lil' design and how he is still hidin' in his shell and wants to hide from the world!

I do :D! I've just been horribly busy and haven't had the chance to make digitial/fixed versions of them ;w; I only have concepts so far of how they look (Although their characters are fully developed, mainly bcus I've been roleplaying them with a friend of mine huehuehue)

Dr. Galaxy: The lovely weeaboo and Deep's assistant. Galaxy is a wannabe, he imitates everything that Deep does and DEEPLY admires him, following his vision blindly. To him, Deep is the deepest and wisest person in the world, it's his adoration. He believes in karma, astrology, feng shui and the forces of the universe. His weapon of choise is a bo, but he also has sharp hand fans.

He represents Dr. Starline's philosophical, sophisticated, feminine, paranoid/overthinker, fanboy and yandere side.

Mr. Dr. Starline: The bombastic one of the group, Mr. Dr. Eggman's assistant! He's very much like modern Starline, except that he's more... stressed and prone to anger than modern Starline, being quite exigent, putting STYLE over everything else and wanting nothing but perfection. He tends to fight with Mr. Dr. Eggman A LOT as their visions tend to clash quite often, but he's still loyal to his doctor.

He's meant to represent Starline's determined, impulsive, diva, strategic, competitive and bossy side.

Dr. Comet: The old one, Dr. Done-it's assistant. He's a very old man who has seen everything at this point, so he's pretty much done with everything, done with life, tired of everything. He lost his arm in one of the battles of the Council and required a prosthetic limb to be attached to him, as he refused to stay like that. He's always sighing in disappointment, feeling tired and keeping a very pessimistic way to see everything.

After he acquired one of the eliminated Starline's traits (part of my lore khdjsk) he became more comprehensive, wise and cautious.

He represents Starline's angry, resentful, auto-sabotaged side, with his deep love and dependence on technology.

☆-☆-☆-☆-☆

I'm gonna try to have their finished and polished versions by this year >:3c!! I also want to draw them with their respective Council members kjahdasjkd

[kodzukenmaaa]

MITCHELL | Jake Seresin

Chapter two; Ciel

"Attention on deck!" A loud voice boomed in the area. Everyone stand up from their chair as Admiral Bates made his way to the podium.

"Good morning. Welcome to your special training detachment, sit down." They all sat down. "I am Admiral Bates, call sign Warlock. You are all Top Gun graduates; the best of the best but that was yesterday. The enemy's new fifth-generation fighter jet levels the playing field. We no longer possess the technological advantage. Success depends on the man or woman in the box."

Hangman put his gaze on Phoenix who noticed and silently pull out her middle finger towards him.

"Half of you will make the cut and only one of you will be named mission leader, The rest will attend to any reserve roles necessary."

"Your instructor is one of the finest pilots this program has ever produced. His exploits are legendary. What he has to teach you may very well mean the difference between life and death," Warlock remarked as they heard echoing footsteps walking up the aisle.

All the pilots turned their heads to the newcomer, Hangman, Coyote, and Payback looks away out of fear and embarrassment.

Meanwhile, Bradley sunk in his chair a little.

"I give you Captain Pete Mitchell, call sign Maverick."

Warlock stepped away from the podium letting Maverick take over. "Good morning," he held up the manual book for F-18. "The F.A.T.-18 NATOPS, This book contains everything they expected you to know about your aircraft. I assume you all know it well."

"Damn right."

"Damn straight."

"No shit."

Maverick tossed the book to the trash beside him, "And we're off." Hondo mumbled.

"So does your enemy, but what the enemy doesn't know is your limits. I intend to find those limits and push beyond them, so today we will start with what you think you know, you show me what you made of." He continues.

A door clicks open and is soon followed by echoing footsteps, all pilots automatically turn their heads, and once again Jake Seresin looks away.

Admiral Bates lifts his head, "Lieutenant Mitchell you're late." He said.

"Apologies sir." She nods her head, walks to the front, takes something out from her pocket, and gave it to the captain, "My father has lost his glasses."

Cue for Jake Seresin to winched at the news, last night he was hitting on the Captain's (that he had thrown out from the bar) daughter.

"Thank you, have seat." Maverick sends a smile at his daughter, Y/n winks at him with a smile, she takes a scan between the naval aviators searching for her new assigned backseater. Her eyes have a small amused glint when her eyes stop at the man that was hitting on her last night who offered her a smile, the smile gave her a slight warmness in her stomach.

She look away and stop a man who was adjusting his seat, she walked toward him and gave him a nod "You're Mickey Garcia?"

"Yes, ma'am. Call sign Fanboy." He answered.

"Hm, Nice to meet you I'm Y/n Mitchell, call sign Ciel."

Maverick dismissed the group to grab their gear and head to their respective planes.

As she talks to her new back seater a hand grabs her wrist making her turn around to see her brother's figure, his jaw was clenched showing that he is pissed. "Did you know?"

"I just know this morning. I tried to tell you but I didn't have any time, sorry B." She gives him a sympathetic smile.

"Well, at least you tried to tell me," Bradley sighs, "heard you shot down five from your last mission."

"I'm not very proud of it, it made me lose my backseater. They tried to shoot me down first so I had to do it. My backseater's wife didn't like how I handle it and said I was too dangerous. So he quit."

"She's not wrong." He commented.

Fanboy somehow looks terrified yet excited at their comments. As they walk to their assigned plane.

"Rooster, Bradley." Someone called, and the said man did not turn back or stop in his tracks just continued walking to his plane ignoring the call.

"Lieutenant Bradshaw," Maverick stated.

"Yeah, can't ignore that one can't you, see you later." Y/n pat his shoulder nodding at Fanboy to give the two some time.

As she and her WSO walk to their plane she feels a pair of eyes staring at the back of her head. She turn around to see Jake Seresin staring at her with the corner of his lips tugging upwards, she sent him a wink and unconsciously smile at him with a toothy grin making him look away.

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Maverick made everyone do a warm-up before splitting everyone into pairs, those who were not called up yet returns to the hangar and listened in from the radio.

"Good morning aviators, this is your captain speaking," Maverick said. "Welcome to basic fighting maneuvers. As you were briefed, today's exercise is dog fighting. No missiles. Guns only and no going below the hard deck of five thousand feet. Work as a team to shoot me down or else."

"Or else what sir?" Y/n asked into the comms.

"Or else I shoot back."

"How about we put skin in the game, to make it fun you know," Y/n suggested, wanting to add some more fun in the air.

"What do you have in mind?"

"Whoever gets shot down first has to do two hundred pushups." Y/n inquired.

"Gosh, that's a lot of push-ups."

"They don't call it an exercise for nothing, sir." Fanboy comments.

"You just got yourself a deal Fellas, let's turn and burn," Maverick says, Maverick's jet soared between the jets of Y/n, Fanboy, and Bradley. Catching them off guard.

"Holy shit!" Fanboy scream.

"WHAT THE FUCK!"

Maverick makes Y/n and Fanboy his first target to shoot down first, "Ciel Where's your wingman?" He asks preparing to press the trigger on them.

"IS THIS A PAYBACK FOR WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY?" Y/n yelled to the coms, "Rooster where are you? Get him off me!"

"I got you, I'm coming. Hang in there hang in there." Rooster says flying in front of Maverick.

"Ciel break right!"

"Breaking right!" Y/n and Fanboy were saved but now Maverick has a new target in front of him.

"Rooster just saved your life but it's going to cost him."

"Not this time old man!" Bradley glares at Maverick.

"Don't let him get to you Maverick," he says to himself.

"Rooster you're too low. Pull up, you're hitting the deck!"

"Oh shit."

Rooster pulls up only to get locked by Maverick. "That's a kill," Maverick says as he sighs but the alarm went off.

"And that's also a kill," Y/n said from behind, snickering at her dad. "That's how you bury a fossil everyone."

They all watch as Bradley does his two hundred push ups outside, Y/n shakes her head at the cruel sight if her friend doing the push-ups. She was way too cocky to suggest that game.

"Should be us down there." Fanboy says as he watches Bradley with his pilot through the window.

"But it's not." They look beside them to see Phoenix, "Now you know a little something about Rooster."

The next team was no good than the first, only Y/n managed to get a single lock on his aircraft.

"That's a kill," Maverick said.

"Damn!"

"Smoked."

"Shit."

Then Maverick decided to get Ciel and Fanboy as his partner for the game. To bring in more heat.

"Hey, Phoenix, how about we tell everybody that Bob stands for something, other than just Robert," Hangman says through his comms, looking at Phoenix's aircraft.

"Don't take the bait, Bob. Wanna know why we call him Hangman?" Phoenix questions.

"Wait, I got it. Baby On Board." Hangman jokes. As he laughs Maverick and Y/n passed in between the two.

"Oh shit!" Hangman shouts.

"Greeting Aviators fights on."

"Breaking right," Bob watches Hangman leave, "Where's he going?" Bob asks.

"That's why we call him Hangman, he'll always hang you out to dry."

"I'll take care of him," Y/n said to the comms. Pulling up to chase Hangman.

"Copy that." He watches Hangman being chased with Y/n's aircraft. "Leaving your wingman, there's a strategy I haven't seen in a while." Maverick comments.

"He called you a man Phoenix, you gonna take that?"

"As long as he doesn't call you a man."

"Talk to me Bob, Where's Maverick?" Phoenix asked. "Get him off me, Hangman!"

"For all you folks at home, this is how you bury a fossil," Hangman said as he pulled up behind Maverick preparing a lock on him.

"Might want to watch your back Hangman." Fanboy said as Y/n sped up to Hangman.

"Alright Hangman time to teach you a lesson, you're out Phoenix" Maverick said as he put the lock on Phoenix and Bob.

"Son of a bitch!" Phoenix cussed.

"You're going to take care of that sweetheart?" Maverick said to his daughter.

"I can handle him, thanks. You should do your push-ups " Y/n said, giggling. Hangman suddenly pulled up and start to chase her, she immediately pull the defensive maneuver.

"Alright Ciel, let's see what you got."

"Is he still with us?" Y/n asks Fanboy.

"Yeah! He's just behind us." Fanboy responds, Y/n looks behind her to see him still chasing her.

"Looking for me, Ciel?" Hangman asked with a cocky tone. She can imagine him saying that with a smirk on his face.

"Alright let's end this game," Y/n said pulling up to the sun with Hangman close behind her. Pulling the trick her dad once showed her.

"Shit," Hangman said as he squint his eyes to spot Y/n aircraft in the sun. "Phoenix I can't see her, how close am I?" He asks Phoenix not aware that she's already after being in a missiles lock by Maverick.

"I'm dead dickhead." Phoenix says in the comms.

"See you in the afterlife bagman," Bob added.

Hangman starts to look around and finally, he noticed that there's no aircraft in front of him. His search was cut with the alarm blaring, telling him that he was in a missile lock.

He looks behind him to see them, "That's a kill." Y/n stated with Fanboy cheering behind her.

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They repeated the practice with Maverick killing them easily without breaking a sweat but it's a challenge when it comes to the young Mitchell. Maverick was genuinely happy and impressed by her skills and he believed that his talent was passed down to her.

Bradley, however, takes it a bit personally, he and Maverick were sent into a downward spiral that immediately broke the hard deck rule with their ego way too big but Maverick managed to put a shot on Bradley and he sent Bradley back to the base for his pushups.

Hondo took pity on Bradshaw, "Okay that's enough Rooster." But he was arrogant he kept doing his pushups, pushing his body for more pushups with his body which was at the edge of exhaustion. "Come on man that's enough." But he did not stop so Hondo just leave him be.

"Damn BradBrad I thought I was the only one who always had the hard deck rule. Are you trying to copy me?" Y/n smirks, kneeling beside him while chewing a piece of gum.

She didn't get any reply or anything she took that signal that he wants to be alone, "Alright talk to me whenever you're ready Brad Brat."

A gasp left Bradley's mouth, "You did not just pull that nickname" He said stopping his pushups and starting to sit after all the push-ups he had done.

"What do you mean? You mean Brad Brat?" Y/N said innocently, with a mischievous smile.

"You did not just pull that name on me seal" Bradley smirks as Y/n gasps at that nickname.

"How dare you" They start to bicker back and forth, from the distance Maverick shakes his head at the two remembering the old times when they were little and they would start to bicker like they were siblings by blood.

"You know I'm done talking with the chicken," Y/n huffed walking away from the man.

"ITS ROOSTER!"

"Bye chicken!" She waved, leaving the area.

After taking a shower and changing her clothes, she leaves the place to buy herself a meal. The gum is only to trick her stomach that she's eating. A hand shot up and circle her wrist and push her to a wall.

"Oof!" She looks up to see the Ken doll himself, Jake Seresin aka Hangman. She gave him a side smile "What can I help you Kenny doll," She teased him.

Her tease made its way to his mind making the corner of his lips tug upwards, "I didn't know the Navy hired a model this day."

"Yeah, they decided it's time to have a queen walking around in this place." She crosses her arms. "I also didn't know they start to hire a Ken doll."

"You also forget to tell me that you're the Captain's daughter." He added.

"Yeah, It's always fun you know seeing someone's reaction when it's revealed that I'm the Captain's daughter, I mean come on your face before that was hilarious" Y/n laughs before patting his cheek, "Anyway see you tomorrow, bagman."

She slips from under his arm and walks out of the area with his eyes watching her walking away figure. Something is blooming and it's definitely not a flower.

🗒 ❛ note༉‧₊˚✧

Hello! I'm so so sorry for the long wait for the update, I did have much ideas for the past couple of months and I decided to ask my friend what to do to bring more tension between the two.

I hope you enjoy it, see you soon!

[h0-seok]

"Thanks", he responded casually, making sure for a last time that he didn't have gotten any knots in his hair. This would have been a catastrophe. It had taken years for it to grow this long. And if he had to cut off something because of Hoseok he would have a minus point onto Fuji's mental list for all eternity. Anyway, being called 'strange' was quite a compliment for him, even if it probably wasn't directly meant as one right now. "That's life, man." Displaying a poker face he watched Hoseok getting back onto his legs. "Life doesn't offer you a helping hand either after it pushed you into a pile of shards. And you're young enough to get back onto your legs on your own, huh? So don't pout." He was only mildly satisfied with the result of figuring out what would happen if he tried to physically defy the other - while at the same time he didn't have quite an expectation for the outcome in fact. However he wasn't in the best mood anymore now. But the next claim had him lift his eyebrows. "This easy? Didn't think you'd just do what I'd ask you to do, at least not willingly." The impression he had gotten was a different one after all. And once again he experienced a surprise due to the following words. "This much on the masochistic side? Dude, then I can't compete. But it's interesting to know with what things I can do you a favor." A glint appeared in his eyes, both amused and interested as he looked at Hoseok as if he had seen him for the first time. The shard wasn't even that interesting anymore. "Why? Did you think I hate your guts now? Just because I had to try something out?" He laughed his deep laugh and got surprised for a third time when the other sat on his lap. "Much better, man. I rather like to proceed at where we had been before my test." When Hoseok grabbed his chin he however rolled his eyes. "Even if this means you being impatient." But he let him, holding out his neck to him. Not only because the other made him do it but because he wanted it. And meanwhile he laid his hands onto the other's thighs, waiting for the bite to come. "You can touch my hair again, too, but only if your hands are clean."

It wasn't his intention to ruin Fuji's beautiful hair let alone to rip it out. To pull on it happened instinctively, Hoseok simply felt cornered when the elder attacked him in such an offensive way. "I'm not pouting..", he muttered but he secretly was a little butthurt over the fact that his boss hadn't helped him up. Instead, he was sitting onto that couch like a fucking king. "And it always depends on what you're asking for and how. I'm not against all of this at all, I just want to make it clear that I'm none of your fuck boys." Fuji wanted him to speak his mind? Well now he had to deal with the younger's blunt opinion. Hoseok wouldn't be a dude for one night only and he wanted the elder to be aware of it in case he decided to get more intimate with him. They've been teasing each other but he couldn't tell if the interest was mutual. Fuji was a fascinating man who surely had enough fanboys admiring him so why did he keep testing Hoseok? He definitely needed answers. "I am not that crazy but I think we share some interests.", he muttered after getting onto the elder's lap. The reason why he straddled his boss? He was curious about his reaction.. and he has been wanting to do it since that damn blood pact. "I'm very impatient, you're right.. but you can't blame me.", Hoseok whispered and dragged his eager tongue over Fuji's tattooed neck. His fangs were pulsating inside his mouth, ready to bite but he wanted to tease that man for a little longer before he'd have a taste of his delicious blood. "I must be special.. you allow me to touch your beloved hair even though that I've been so rude to it before..", Hoseok grinned and immediately let his fingers slide through the silken strands while nosing his way along his jawline, away from his neck and closer to his lips. "Now.. don't you want to kiss me?"

[violescent-scrolls]

Random Izuku HCs

Pairing: Izuku Midoriya x reader

Word Count: ~1.3k+

Warnings: nothing that I’m aware of!

A/N: this is a rewrite/repost of some Izuku HCs I wrote a while back in my old blog (may it rest in piece🛐) Not much changes other than a few additional things though. Enjoy!

I see him living in an apartment. Like maybe it’s just me and my bias cuz I prefer apartments but he just gives me that vibe. The apartment is very cozy though. It’s decorated with pictures and hero merch (you definitely had to beg him not to put up a life-size All Might cardboard cut out but we don’t talk about that).

I think the two of you have a monthly (or weekly, depending on your schedules) movie night. It’s not just movie nights though! You guys always watch shows together.

I 1000% believe that he’s the type of person who prefers series over movies. It gets him more invested when he gets to know the characters better.

He’s that one guy that always guesses who the murderer is in thriller/murder mystery movies.

The two of you would be watching a movie on the couch, snuggled up together being all cute. Like fifteen to thirty minutes into the movie, he’ll suddenly blurt out “it was the butler.”

He was right. It was the butler.

C’mon he’s so observant by nature you can’t tell me this wouldn’t be him.

It annoys you so much but at the same time, it’s so cute how he goes into a muttering rampage whenever there’s some new information.

I think he's much better at baking than he is at cooking. I bet he used to help Mama Midoriya with baking all the time as a kid and that probably stuck with him throughout his life.

Speaking of cooking and Mama Midoriya, I think she makes him a lot of pre-made meals in his early pro hero days. She knows that he’s an adult and he can take good care of himself, but he’s always so busy and his work is so dangerous, she just wants to make sure he’s not neglecting his health.

Inko is definitely happy that her son found a s/o like you 🥺

That being said, I don’t think he’d be a bad cook. He’s really just okay. Like if he’s got a recipe he’ll follow it to a T and it’ll come out nice.

Without the recipe? Not so much.

Would totally collect other pro heroes’ autographs once he himself is a pro hero. Has an autograph book like the ones you can buy at Disney and he dates the pages and everything.

Once he’s high enough in the ranks and he has his own merch, Izuku will definitely be too shy to wear any of it.

Baby is humble ❤️

BUT BUT BUT please steal the free samples the companies that make his merch give him (PJs, hoodies, shirts, slippers, etc.) and wear them yourself.

He will malfunction when he sees you clad in PJs that look like his hero suit.

Izuku.exe has stopped working.

If you’re also a pro hero or have a job where merch based on you could be made, he will purchase and wear everything.

Oh, you’re a low-ranking hero with no merch? That’s fine, he’ll commission someone to make at the very least a hoodie for him. (He gets way more than just a hoodie)

It’s canon that Izuku is a fanboy, it only increases tenfold when it’s his lovely s/o.

This man will be so sweet to all of his fans, especially little kiddos. Whenever they tell him that they wanna be heroes I can imagine him being super supportive because he knows what it’s like to have people tell you you can’t accomplish your dreams.

I think this is a given, but his office has a huge limited edition poster of All Might that is both framed and laminated. It’s hanging on the wall right behind his desk chair.

He speaks to it whenever he needs guidance✨

Izuku will definitely, 100%, undoubtedly be a bit of a workaholic.

Like, he doesn’t put his work before his family or you and if you ever call him saying you’re upset about something or you’re sick he will drop everything (or at least try to get everything done as fast as he can since the #1 hero can’t exactly just drop everything sometimes) and run home to you so he can take care of you and give you cuddles 🥰

He will totally put his work before himself though.

The two of you rarely fight since both of you hate hurting each other and he would literally rather fight an army of villains than upset you, but when you do fight it’s usually about how he works himself too hard or how he puts himself at jeopardy too often.

I feel like he wouldn’t yell at you during these arguments because he just hates raising his voice at you. His voice will crack with emotion poor baby

If you happen to cry because of the fight he will feel so bad. No doubt will start crying too and you’ll spend the rest of the day comforting each other in each other’s embrace.

He’s so soft for you uwu

He’s a busy guy so dates might not happen as often as he would like them to, but he’ll manage to make time for at least one or two a month.

They might be low-key, just because I can’t see him as someone who goes on ultra extravagant dates, but they are always tailored to what the two of you like to do together. They mean the world to the two of you.

I’m not 100% sure about what his love language would be but I’m leaning towards words of affirmation?

Hear me out, we know that he’s struggled with his self-esteem growing up and he’s definitely gotten better and is more self-assured as an adult! But once in a while, he’ll get a little insecure, and hearing you say such lovely things and reminding him of how much you love him makes him feel warm and gooey on the inside.

If you ever tell him you love his scars because they’re a part of him he will burst out crying. Happy tears, of course.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for 5 months or 5 years, Izuku will blush at any compliment you give him.

He’s a cuddle bug. Istg I will die on this hill. He loves to feel close to you. Please play with his hair while his head is resting on your chest or lap. He will turn into mush.

At this point in the relationship, he has a hard time falling asleep without you/the sound of your heartbeat and breathing to lull him into sleep.

I hc that the first time he had to travel for business and be away from you after you guys move in together he couldn’t fall asleep without the sound of your heartbeat and deadass had to search for one of those 8 hour long breathing/heartbeat videos to try to fool his body into thinking you’re there next to him.

He likes when you read aloud to him. For all he cares you could be reading about fucking mitosis. Your voice is lovely and that’s all that matters.

He gives me early bird vibes.

Like, even on his day off he’ll probably wake up at like 6 or 7 am just cuz it’s hardwired into his system.

When that happens, he’ll probably go work out before taking a shower and coming back to join you in bed.

He won’t be able to fall asleep again so he’ll just admire you in a non-creepy way and/or watch some hero documentary thing on his phone (with headphones so that he doesn’t wake you up ofc)

Once you do wake up, the two of you will make breakfast together before spending the day together being soft adorable babies.

If he ever does sleep in or you wake up earlier than him, please wake him up by attacking his entire face with kisses he will die a happy man.

OH OH ALSO! I leave you with the knowledge that Izuku would totally grab your hands and fidget/play with your fingers while he goes on a muttering spree.

[volleychumps]

Heyy 💖🥺 I love ur work and I would cry if you did this: Karusuno boys reacting to their S/O coming back from a long summer vacation, please make this as fluffy as possible I want my heart to melt from the sugar 🥺💗

if your heart didn’t melt babes I didn’t succeed~

The Karasuno Boys Reacting to S/O Coming Home From a Long Vacation 

----------------------------------

Daichi 

- Simple baby is 100% the type to pretend like he wasn’t dying to see you after such a long time 

- leans against the glass windows of the airport as your flight finally lands, heart drumming rapidly against his chest in contrast to the small, relaxed grin on his face as he counts down the minutes displayed above the terminal

- you knew that he was waiting for you, but that doesn’t stop him from scanning the crowds seriously- almost as if he thinks you would have forgotten that he was

- so when he sees you decked out in flight clothes, hair tied into a messy bun with a rolling suitcase behind you, the grin that overtakes his features matches the excitement in his heart as your head turns back and forth to catch a glimpse of him

- decides to wait for you to see him first, slipping his hands in his pockets and watching amusedly as you look around in confusion for his face 

- shakes his head when it takes you a minute, the bright expression on your face when you finally meet his eyes making the captain jut his head to the side like come here you 

- takes you in his arms tightly when your pace quickens in his direction, taking you off guard at how hard Dai held you to him as his grip grows impossibly tighter, the ache in his chest finally relieved when you laugh softly into his chest

- “I’m back, Dai.” “It feels unreal. But you’re here.” 

- glides his fingers through the hair on the back of your scalp to look at you fondly before chuckling at your teary expression, lips finding your forehead 

- “You’re finally here.” 

Sugawara

- Definitely the type of boyfriend to have been spamming your phone throughout your vacation, making sure you were eating properly and taking care of yourself without him doing it for you 

- lowkey it kind of felt like he never left, but you still missed seeing him in person 

- So when the day came where you finally arrived, Suga arrived at the train station early in a white-collared shirt with the cuffs rolled to his forearms, anxious to see you as he continously scratches his cheek and runs a hand through his gray hair 

- so when the train arrives almost an hour later, Suga is leaning against one of the poles with a small smirk on his features in front of the doors, holding a simple sheet of copy paper with your name on it 

- heart does a backflip when you emerge passed the giggling onlookers at your boyfriend’s sign, watching your expression become one of exasperation before shaking your head and rushing into his now outstretched arms 

- catches you by the waist, not ashamed to give you a little spin as a relieved laugh slips the setters lips, happy to finally get to see the tangible you as you pout up at him

- and lowkey make sure you didn’t lose any weight because dammit he told you to eat properly

- “Suga, I said no signs-” “Awe come on, you know I did it because you told me not to.” 

- ignores your playful glare to cup your cheek gently, the other hand on your hip as he holds the sign in place with an easy grin before taking your head gently and tucking it into his neck 

- “Miss me?” you giggle into his neck as Suga sighs, smiling into your hair as if he could finally relax, breathing out the tension in his chest 

- “You have no idea, angel.”  

Asahi

- Omg this poor baby kept telling you not to text him too much or even call because he wanted you to enjoy yourself on your vacation without worrying about him

- so you did what he asked of you, albeit hesitantly, but in reality Asahi felt more lonely without you than ever 

- Has the day you return marked on his calendar, and when the day finally comes, he’s at the airport bright and early, bringing along one of his jackets and some snacks in case you were cold or hungry from your flight

- taps his foot in anticipation while waiting for you, jaw slackening when you exit your terminal with the sun in your hair and bounce in your step as he straightens immediately 

- tightens his grip on his little bouquet of flowers he had brought, nervous smile crossing his features when you spot him 

- Baby is a tall boi what can you expect

- Walks to meet you halfway, stumbling over his words at the sight of you after so long, in the flesh as you bounce up to him, glint in your eye as if you were meeting and falling in love with him all over again

- “H-Hey! How was your flight, I brought you some-” 

- eyes widen when you let go of your things and throw your arms around his neck, tension in his arms relaxing as he wraps them tightly around your waist, one of his hands still holding the flowers as the sack of snacks and his hoodie falls to the floor

- whispers “I missed you, God I missed you.” over and over again into your shoulder as he melts into your embrace, honest words filling your ears as you giggle

- “Asahi. I’m here now, alright?” You whisper back, quiet enough so he can hear it, grinning like a maniac into his embrace

- Pulls back with a closed-eye smile, slight moisture in the corners of his eyes as he strokes your face with his thumb gently, leaning down to touch his forehead against yours

- “Welcome back.” 

Nishinoya

- Lmao don’t get me started on this boy, he’ll want to be calling you via FaceTime every night during your time away, even if it’s just to say a quick goodnight to each other before you turn in

- If it’s different timezones this mf doesn’t care, he’ll wake up early just to wish you goodnight

- 100% will show up to the airport with a shirt that has your name on it, bonus points if that shirt has a picture of you on the back 

- Doesn’t stop bouncing on the balls of his feet until your flight finally lands on schedule, and pushes his way to the front of the other people waiting while ignoring their strange looks when you emerge among the other passengers

- “Make way people, Y/N L/N is entering the vicinity.” 

- lmfao the people waiting with him are like: yo is she famous is he a fanboy

- runs to meet you, and you laugh before letting go of your rolling luggage to run as well, definitely not expecting Nishinoya to hug you so tight he’s lifting you off the ground and spinning you in circles

- “Oh my god you’re real. I’m touching you.” “Noya...what are you wearing-: 

- deadass tucks some hair behind your ear before kissing you, soaking in the familiar feel of you while not caring about the onlookers who were either passing with worry or smiles on their faces

- but you care lmao

- “Noya, not here!” “Now that’s not fair.” 

- smirks at your blushing cheeks when he takes your face in his hands gently, brown eyes glinting as he brushes his nose with yours

- “All those months and not getting to kiss you? You better believe I’m about to get my fill now, babe.” 

Tanaka

- This boy would absolutely be the most extra, more extra than Noya if you can believe it 

- Is the type to claim he can’t come see you, but lowkey makes the arrangements with your family to actually be the one to show up when you’re least expecting it

- I kid you not Tanaka will pull up in this nice-ass car (probably borrowed, but who cares), shades on and everything while waiting for you outside the airport, leaning against the front of the vehicle like some hot-shot while holding this extra-ass sign for you

- so when you exit the airport looking for your parent’s car, imagine your surprise when Tanaka is leaning all cooly against this car you’ve never seen before, lifting his shades slightly when you approach him with an eyebrow quirked 

- lmao a whole ass crowd gathered too your mans really outdid himself

- “You Y/N L/N?” “Babe, what are you doing?” 

- scoffs, ignoring the racing in his heart before opening the car door for you, and you amusedly get in before Tanaka nods all mysterious-like to the crowd before getting in and driving off, the silence heavy between the two of you

- “So that was quite the greeting-” you’re cut off when he parks immediately, leaning over the console to take your face in his hands and kiss you like his life depended on it, hand entangling in your hair as you smile at the desperate movements like a man starved

- “All that just for me?” You whisper breathlessly as Tanaka’s eyes scan your face, pulling you into a tight hug over the console, and you promise you can hear him sniff as he mumbles against your shoulder

- mans really got out of his cool character real quick-

- “Thank you for coming back to me.” 

Hinata

- Apricot-haired baby definitely talked Kageyama’s ear off on how much he missed you, and couldn’t wait for you to come back for the summer you were gone

- Probably led to Kageyama texting you in addition to your boyfriend’s sweet ones, begging you to cut your trip short so you could save his sanity

- But if I’m being completely real Hinata would probably over-sleep on the day you were set to arrive, waking up just as your train pulled into the station 

- couldn’t sleep the night before because he was so excited awh baby

- And let me tell you this boy would run like the earth was cracking in his wake, jacket halfway on his body and probably the wrong shoe on each foot 

- Deadass I’m not kidding, he made it to the station just as you were able to hail a taxi back to your home, seeing you from a distance and instantly zooming over to prevent you from getting in 

- Shoves through a crowd of people, wanting nothing more than to see you, so he jumps high while calling your name out above the heads of onlooking passerbys before he finally catches your attention and breaks into yet another run 

- “Y/N! I’m here, dammit-!” “Shou!” 

- collapses into your arms, breathing heavily from that random burst of physical ability that was borderline inhuman as you laugh, lowering him to the floor as he lays in your lap, chest heaving 

- “Shouyou, you ran through traffic to get here again, didn’t you-” “I...I still made it...didn’t I?” 

- Takes a strand of your hair in his while looking up at you, breathless before chuckling through strained breaths as you worriedly cup his face

- “I hafta be the first one to see your pretty face, you know?” 

Kageyama

- Awkward sweetheart definitely made it a point to text you maybe once a week during your vacation, simply asking you how your day was and if you knew when you were coming back from your cruise

- would shrug when people ask him if he missed you, saying a vague “I guess so” when in reality he would sit in the sand by the docks you had left in, just kind of staring out into the ocean while missing you heavily

- it even became a stop in his morning jog omg awhh

- so when he finally worked up the courage to send you the text asking when you were for sure arriving, he fist-pumped the air when you said it would be in the next few days, but the captain manning the ship wasn’t too sure and you might not be able to text him due to bad signal

- Still visited the docks every morning, worry growing when a week passed and you still couldn’t text him back

- On the day following a week, he’s thinking about how much he actually missed you, morning jog dwindling to a walk as he strolls in deep thought, hoping everything was okay

- but when he arrives there’s a boat docked, all passengers seeming to have left already except for a single girl sitting on the dock with her feet in the water, causing him to still in place just as the girl picks up her phone

- he feels a buzz in his pocket, and knows. 

- And then he’s running again, the sound of his footsteps causing you to smile as you lift your feet in the water and back onto shore, standing to greet him before he grabs you by the shoulders

- “I was worried! So worried, and you...you couldn’t contact me, and...” “Tobio.” 

- visibly relaxes at the way you said his name, simply hanging his head and tugging you tightly into his chest, afraid you would dissappear as you smile softly, feeling the blue-eyed boy quiver slightly in your embrace while tightening his hold on you

- “I’m back, Tobio. I’m back.” 

Tsuksihima

- Prideful blondie is way too full of it to text you first during your time away from Japan, but you honestly had hardly any time to text which led to the emergence of Saltyshima at the lack of communication

- “Why don’t you just text Y/N, she’d probably love-” “She’s fine without me, so I should be fine without her.”

- lmao even he knows he doesn’t mean that

- so when you finally text him, he can’t help but grab his phone a little too quickly to see that you had sent him your arriving date, and he can’t help but scoff a little before sending a message he would regret: I’m not coming. 

- resists the urge to hit his head against the wall regretfully when you reply back with oh:(

- so low in behold, imagine Tsukishima’s surprise when he finds himself at the train station, hands shoved deeply in his pockets on the day of the event he “wasn’t coming to” 

- sighs when your stop pulls up, wondering if he could make this out to be some freak-show coincedence when the doors slide open and passengers file out, his hazel eyes latching onto your familiar head of hair immediately as his chest rises with an emotion he wish he could tame

- and then you walk past him, seemingly absorbed in your phone as Tsukishima blinks, literally not believeing his eyes before fighting the urge to call out to you when his phone buzzes

- I’m in Japan! Can’t wait to see you<3

- Sighs, leaving you on read as he watches you stall in place, signalling you had seen that action before he rolls his eyes, walking behind you while thinking Screw it. 

- “Oi. Did you really just walk past me?” “Tsukki...?” 

- Eyes widen when you tackle him into a tight hug, burying your face in his chest as you cry a little, Tsukishima staring down at you as if you were some kind of alien before a smirk overtakes his features

- “Someone missed me.” “Of course I did! A-and you said you weren’t coming...” 

- Rolls his eyes as he wipes the moisture from your eyes, tilting your head up to meet his stare before he sighs, pulling you into him and resting his chin on top of your head before mumbling lowly 

- “Ugh. Turns out I’m not fine without you, so be grateful.”

Yamaguchi 

-really misses you, and is the type to look at photos of the two of you before he sleeps, wishing you would come home sooner while brushing off your inquiries off on whether he was doing fine without you 

- “Trust me, she’ll love it.” “H-Hinata? Are you sure it’s not too much?” 

- Takes his friend’s advice and purchases a big teddy bear, carrying the large stuffed animal with him in both hands as he embarrasedly looks away from all the strange looks he was getting in the airport upon his arrival 

- I can’t he gets fuckin lost-

- deadass can’t find what terminal is yours despite your instructions, the large bear skewing his vision definitely not helping so he’s literally wandering the airport half-blind with this big ass teddy bear and a growing frustration of wanting to see you already 

- Until he bumps into someone, like lmfao it was bound to happen sending them falling on their ass with a slight oomph

- “I’m so sorry! Are you..” “Way to say you knocked me off my feet, Tadashi.” 

- apologizes profusely before setting the bear down, not caring of blocking the walkway before kneeling down at your side, still trying to comprehend that you were there in front of him, in the flesh

- on the bright side he was going the right way

- “Y/N...” as he gently reaches a hand out, retracting it slightly before it can brush against your skin “It feels like it’s been forever-”

- “It’s been months, dummy. Now will you please help me up so I can kiss your stupid freckled face?” as you clasp his hand, Yamaguchi’s eyes beginning to water when your familiar form fits perfectly in his as soon as you’re standing 

-  you embrace him tightly, the freckled boy realizing just how much he missed you before hugging you back, not realizing that tears were streaming freely down his cheeks like a broken dam as you smile, knowing all the times he brushed you off it was for your sake 

- “I’m home, Tadashi.” as he sniffles, muffling the coming sobs into your hair before quivering gently, holding you even closer as if you would leave again 

- “I’ve been waiting, Y/N.” 

-------------------------

General Works: @savemesteeb @kasandrafaye @yams046 @dreebbles @takemetovalhalla @therestless101 @dai-tsukki-desu @lifeisntjustblackandwhite @curiouslilbeast @wisepandaslimeland @deadontheinsidebut @lmkjimin @h0ngh0ngh0ng @theworldupthere @itz-tooru

[gascon-en-exil]

Would you argue that the relationship between Edelgard and TWSITD is very nebulous? Cause there's text that shows she is using them for her own means and it was her choice but there's also them destroying Arianrhod after she defies them (one in a million but still). I know there's a line in Verdant Wind where Claude argues that they were using each other for their own ends.

...Probably? It's ambiguous, but the biggest problem is that there's no answer here that makes Edelgard looks good even though her defenders have been known to flip opinions to whichever sounds better in the moment.

If you say that Edelgard is too weak to oppose the Agarthans for the 9ish years that she's allied with them, then she's a helpless victim of the people who abused her and not at all what one would call a strong female character (especially when this is then stacked with just how dependent she is on the men in her life to give her purpose and/or accomplish her goals: her father, Hubert, Thales, and potentially male Byleth). Conversely, if you say that Edelgard is using the Agarthans and that she could deal with them easily on her own, then this makes her complaining about having to work with them (again, for nearly a decade) ring hollow and makes her sound like just as much of a villain as the Agarthans themselves - each of them just waiting for the right moment to screw the other one over, and damn anyone who gets in their way in the interim. The story as a whole tends to support the latter in that it utterly fails to present the Agarthans as consistent threats - their base is raided and wiped out in 1-2 chapters, Dimitri takes out their entire leadership without even realizing it, a lot of their action and inaction in Part 1 looks incredibly stupid once you stop and think about it for five minutes - but I don't think we're supposed to look at it that deeply. IS seems to have been aiming for an Arvis and Manfroy situation where each side thinks they're playing the other, but because CF never drops the other shoe that is Genealogy's second generation we never get any kind of definitive revelation there - dragon-possessed inbred antichrist or otherwise.

My own headcanon came about mostly because I really like Hubert but am at best indifferent to Edelgard. Hubert is well aware that his lady swings a mean axe and can give very pretty speeches, but that she's awful at strategic planning (case in point: the Prologue). As such, it makes sense that he'd be the one to propose the alliance with the Agarthans and that he'd act as liaison to them; they've got the magic and the tech, and they have a common enemy in Rhea. Hubert allows Edelgard to think she's in charge while preventing her from getting her hands dirty with the Agarthans on her payroll, because he likes being as much of an over-the-top evil bastard as possible and because he wants to get his hands on more of those sweet dark magical innovations he's been an unapologetic fanboy of for years...preferably after he's cut out the middleman and killed Thales as his only competition for the role of the Most Evil Man in Fódlan. Also, in true Nice Guy fashion Hubert believes that if only he can help Edelgard fulfill her dreams then she'll finally notice him...except she never will because Edelgard is Hot for Teacher and a professorial plank of wood just walked into her life....

Does that headcanon strip Edelgard of much of her actual agency and render her little more than a figurehead for a creepy villain who's basically the fictional embodiment of her straight male fanbase? Pretty much, but it's not like the game ever does much to contradict that. At most it offers you a choice of male characters (and f!Byleth, using a script identical to her male counterpart) for Edelgard and her actions to be defined around. Hubert at least is vastly more entertaining on his own merits than any of the alternatives, and while Edelgard is never going to put out for him Ferdinand is a different - and far more amusing - story altogether.

[huntingingoodwill]

i just discovered your blog and i fell in love!! do you have any headcanons about our favourite simon sick boy williamson at all? no worries if not!! <33

🧸 send me hcs 🧸 do it!!! i dare u!!!

awh thanks man!! my inbox is always open for a chat about ill man. v pumped to talk abt him so tysm :)) send in ur sick boy thoughts whenever <33

without further ado: sick boy headcanons ✨

we all know simon's a total james bond/connery fanboy. i imagine this stems from a real place of childhood innocence and admiration :,) little simon staying up late to watch old james bond films on tv in his pajamas, just completely in awe. his childhood bedroom has a bunch of 007 memorabillia and connery posters, and he'd spout trivia to his friends at school and rant about how cool he thinks bond is, still tired but buzzin from staying up to watch the rerun the night before. total fanboy nerd shit, a really pure sort of excitement. he still loves it, but he's toned down the geeking out over it as he grew up to appear cooler, but james bond will always be a childhood idol. it's a reminder of a simpler time for him, when all the world's grodiness had yet to corrupt him. mark definitely remembers spending recess staring into space, listening to simon gush about connery. just sweet and innocent times. before the world went to shit. "downward trajectory."

imagine going thrifting with him. vibes. would definitely push you around in the cart. i just did a robert fischer hc where i said rob might like to go shopping. if rob likes it, simon loves clothes shopping. loves to keep himself looking sharp. it's mostly thrifting but when he comes into a bit of money he'll splurge on luxury stuff. i highkey hc he buys his s.o. those matching barbed wire rings. whenever he gets in a fight and he sees the nick of the wire on the other guy where his fist landed he just does a little :) bc he's... not a good person ! but it reminds him of s.o 💕

there are definitely days where mark, simon and s.o. hang out in the bathroom to touch up each other's hair. just smoking and buzzing rents' head, touching up simon's roots with a toothbrush, lying in the empty bathtub/sitting on the sink counter while waiting for simon to rinse his hair out, chatting shit.

also a lot of playing football with the guys/cheering them on and going out to celebrate or complain afterward depending on how the game went (i feel like the guys are pretty bad at football but they'd never admit it)

in the movies simon ends up owning a pub but i feel like in another life he'd be a good businessman. become a real city slicker, a little bit of a wolf of Wall Street existence

thanks so much anon 💕

[brawltogethernow]

I suppose the next step then is "BBC Merlin but it's SpideyTorch"

Oh my god. TEACHER, TEACHER, SHE’S TARGETING ME okay okay uh.

Peter, secret warlock, goes to Camelot with his mother figure, May, who does not know about the warlock thing because it kicked in when he was a teenager and they both strategically decline to tell each other things. Gaius is Reed, who was the court sorcerer and is now the court scientist. (He’s not an old man except spiritually where he has been a senile professor since he was 19.) He literally didn’t change anything he was doing, considering science and magic as different points on one spectrum anyway-- No. That’s Doom’s schtick. DOOM was the court sorcerer, and was fired. He is upset about it. Reed is just a science guy but worked extensively with Victor, so he’s kind of useful, but not as useful as Peter was hoping.

I know very little about Sue and Johnny’s dad except that he’s a supervillain who...faked his death, revealed himself, and then died for real like 12 hours later? Did he also fake his wife’s death at some point? Would he do a mad king magic ban thing? Idk but for plot purposes we’ll say yes. They conveniently already share Arthur’s dead mom syndrome. Maybe their aunt whose name is different depending on what issue you’re reading is also here just to convolute the court drama. Wait no didn’t Arthur have a shady uncle show up after like five seasons. She.

Peter is very talented at finicky, specific magical formulas. (Reed: :) )But in practice he really prefers to just slam out a big wave of power, and if that doesn’t solve the problem, repeat until it does. (Reed: :( ) He gives this a go at the beginning of sorting out any problem, like restarting your glitching computer, and if it doesn’t work the problem is complicated enough to be an episode plot.

So obviously I’m still gonna do secret identity shit? Peter saves the young prince and heir’s life and is rewarded with a second job; he only came here for job reasons and you’re all lucky he doesn’t turn down paying jobs otherwise he’d be having some words with the king. Peter also accidentally becomes a masked vigilante out in the town. His very existence is illegal because he’s obviously doing magic! They keep sending his boss out to hunt him down, and their eyes are always locking dramatically and shit in brief silent stare-offs from opposite ends of the street in thunder storms at sunset until Johnny’s horse rears and breaks the eye contact causing Peter to snap out of it and flee. You know how it is.

Sue is older than Johnny and thus older than the magic ban, so she responded to it by going “:) That’s nice, Dad” and socking away a bunch of books before they could go on the fire, and now she’s just a sorceress on the dl. This is approx. a first season finale reveal, because her real superpower is being able to keep her mouth the hell shut. I literally cannot with how nobody in Merlin ever exchanges information, so shortly after Peter and Reed learn this they exchange secrets, like sane people, which opens up their resources a bit.

That said Sue is an extra legitimate royal, not the Morgana equivalent. Maybe Gwen should be Gwen, especially since I have thought Gwen/Johnny/Peter has potential since reading Spider-Man/Fantastic Four (which if you read an earlier ask, I recommend if you want to see new art of Gwen being mean in hair clips). But Peter/Gwen and Merlin/Freya are like...same energy except the latter wasn’t as well done. And Merlin’s Guinevere honestly more reminds me of Betty. Morgana--

(wheeze)

(cough)

Okay I thought this trying to reconcile as much of the cast as possible and I now can’t unthink it so. The king’s ward is Dorrie Evans. Yes she goes nebulously sapphic evil witch queen. Sure she was an unpleasant teenager and readers hate her, but you know what, I’ll simp, whatever. Let Dorrie poison some people. In a cape. This feels natural to me. Also Betty Brant and Dorrie Evans???? Betty/Dorrie vibes???? I guess!!!!

So like. The thing where Arthur gets mystically whammied by love potions once a month, except also Johnny’s normal relationship-anticipating giddiness happening organically mixed in, the part before he actually starts dating someone and becomes immediately depressed. Peter is in the bg sarcastically dismissing magical incidents saying he can’t even tell the difference, and Reed is like 😬 Please Check Anyway. Peter’s not, haha, Peter’s not jealous, Johnny is just an idiot, and, okay maybe Peter is a little jealous! But it doesn’t matter because the prince is going to marry some noble and--

Reed: Prince Johnathan is a bit like a little brother to me, so Please Stop Telling Me About Your Problems.

Reed/Sue is reciprocated but on permanent hold for class reasons. Spideytorch is in the same boat except they’re also stupid and working it out by dating their way through the whole country, except Peter is actually into that and Johnny is not.

The dragon is...Ezekiel?????? That’s the right level of wise wry mentor who’s very shady and will kill you, so he’s a dragon now. And when he tells Peter he’s the (other) chosen one, Peter full stop doesn’t believe him. This disbelief goes on extensively. Peter is not a fate-oriented person. Johnny would love to hear about the fate thing, but no one will tell him.

Literally I’m just going to add more chronologically unmoored medievalish shit to Merlin now to cram more of the cast in. There’s some kind of town crier/herald outfit, and Jonah is their boss. He’s just out in the road yelling sometimes even though he can delegate that. The buglers otherwise known as Bugle staff named Peter’s vigilante persona the Spider, which was supposed to sound menacing but is in practice also cool. This is out-of-universe fairly equivalent to Merlin’s real name as a neat two-syllable animal word and possible title. In-universe maybe I’d elbow out Emrys and just use this. Merlin is already very servants-don’t-work-like-that, so Betty just also has two jobs for no reason so she can knock elbows with them.

MJ is the court jester and knows absolutely everything, which is a dramatic mid-game reveal that isn’t exactly foreshadowed so much as always possible while carefully obscured from the viewer (the reader). Before this she’s already a Wise Fool, Shakespeare-ways archetype character, it’s just not clear how much. She is the most important character in Homestuck Merlin Spider.

Every ship is real for at least 30 seconds. Most of the extended FF cast are either magical antagonists or weird nobles.

Ben????? (Grimm, I mean. Ben Parker is dead. Ben Reilly is a recurring episodic plot.) This show was painfully formulaic and would simply not keep someone with any version of his deal in the main cast, but he’s a full quarter of the FF so. A magical accident approximated his rock body deal. Maybe specifically tying him to ~the magic of the land~. And then, uh. Wandering the country is too satellite-like. Hiding out in a forbidden castle wing is interesting but doesn’t do him justice. So I guess it’s a come and go semivoluntary transformation thing that’s kept secret? Rock werewolf. Were-rock. Good opportunity to fake out like you’re going to do a monster of the week plot, and then he contributes to the tension to abolish the magic ban.

Knights?? Wyatt is there from the beginning, being tall and reassuring (holding a sword edition). Not sure how him or his immediate ancestors got to Europe and then ended up this involved with the local nobility, but it was probably exciting. And Flash, or he’s an early addition. Either way he’s from the same village as Peter and is approximately White’s Kay, except directed at the wizard instead of the future king, and otherwise you can completely superimpose their comic dynamic including the fanboying over the secret identity angle, which is entertainingly seditious. ...Others. I don’t know enough FF characters for this. I’ve accidentally implied the eventual addition of Bennet Brant, but his evil sorcerer of the week energy is very strong, so maybe not. Randy eventually because I already implied the Robertsons and can see it.

This is so long, covers nothing, and explains none of the namechecks. Using both these characters’ franchises in one fusion is too much stuff. I keep not talking about the core relationship because it’s just. Like That. I don’t feel like I need to elaborate on the Merthur dynamic, even transposed on a different ship. It’s Just Like That.

[heyheydidjaknow]

I do not have a decent title for this. I’m also not even going to bother with an image (even though I know it would generate more traffic) because I’m not going to steal someone’s shit. It’s about 3500 words, so have fun with that.

Chapter 1

Dying is not fun.

I do not know if you knew that until last night. Maybe you figured that since it was romanticized so much that it would not suck as much as it so clearly and obviously did. Maybe you dreamed of dying relatively peacefully, surrounded by your loved ones. Alas, those dreams were dashed last night when you, oh so wise Y/N, decided that you were going to try baking and forgot the most essential step; taking the thing out of the oven. You remember that night so clearly, the screams of your family begging for their lives still bouncing around in your ears like a torturous golf ball that made a habit of forcing itself into your throat, the feeling of your hair catching alight as your skin bubbled and charred, and rational thought became a foreign concept. You do not remember if you had died from a heart attack or hyperthermia or smoke inhalation, but you had a general idea that, yes, that night had been your last on Earth.

So, where the fuck are you?

You pull yourself into a sitting position, your back pressed against something hard as your eyes struggle to adjust to the darkness. The air smells like rotten food and exhaust engines as you pull yourself off the concrete, looking around the alleyway that you had found yourself in. It’s small, narrow, unremarkable in every way, with graffiti covered dumpsters near the entrance. Dazed, confused, generally out of sorts, you make your way to the entrance, patting yourself down for injuries you did not seem to have.

You rub the side of your face with your hand. ‘My head is killing me.’ You slip your hand into your jacket pocket, feeling a key and a piece of paper. ‘God damn it is cold in this alley.’ You zip up your jacket, walking out into the open as you pull the note out, beginning to read.

“Dear Y/N,” you mumble as you read, “we are pleased to inform you of your acceptance into our transference program, yadda yadda yadda, whoopdeedoo…” You skim ahead of some introductory jargon before getting near to the point of the note. “From this point forward, enjoy your permanent residence at ten West.. fifteenth street… apartment number six two two… New York, New York?” You blink. ‘I… that’s not my address.’ You pull out the key. ‘Wait, hold on.’ Your eyebrows furrowed. ‘New York? Wait, I was dead, wasn’t I?’ Your eyes become unfocused. ‘I don’t live anywhere near NYC. Where am I?’ You look around for some sort of landmark, street name, anything to give you some idea of where you are.

You hear a car squeal to a stop on the street corner in front of you, snapping you out of your stupor. As identical men start climbing out of the back of the vehicle, all marching deliberately towards you, a fifteen-year-old girl, your immediate reaction is to run like hell. Unfortunately for you, apparently your speed was not comparable to that of the men who quickly apprehend you, scooping you up and dragging you kicking and screaming into a van. You hear vaguely familiar voices outside, but your focus is less on the mayhem and more on the more pressing matter of getting yourself out of the van. You pound at the door, feel for any sort of locks on the inside, something, anything to get you out of the van, still screaming your head off as you hope whoever was outside had the common sense to call nine one one. You feel your eyelids droop as your breathing slows, your voice dying as your pounding becomes less intense. You slide to you knees, eyes closing even as you mentally scream at yourself to get up, keep at it. You passed out.

--

You wake up laid on the floor this time, the pulsing of electricity above your head almost soothing as you open your eyes. You stagger to your feet, looking around your well-lit enclosure, pink florescent lights lining the ceiling and walls like arteries. After taking note of your new bruises and checking to see if you still have your few personal belongings—you do—you ran over to the door, eyes fixated on the mind boggling, ridiculous scene taking place in front of you.

‘Oh, for fuck’s sake.’ You back away from the slot in the door, trying to process the blatant larping headassery. You had not thought that you would honestly be able to say that, apparently, you were kidnapped by the mother fucking Kraang, yet, in some stroke of tomfuckery on behalf of whatever deity controls your universe, you have, obviously, been kidnapped by some seriously hardcore cosplayers. If nothing else, you must admire the obviously advanced set up.

You run your fingers through your hair, chuckling almost manically. “So,” you say to yourself aloud, “I got kidnapped by TMNT fanboys. Great. Fantastic, even!” You pace around the room, throwing your hands up in exasperation. “I guess this makes me April O'Neil, then? Cool.” Your voice is extremely tight as you shake with intense, mostly negative emotions. “So, I’m somewhere in New York, kidnapped by the Kraang in the worst convention ever. Let me guess,” you laugh, losing your mind a little as you speak to nobody. “I’m gonna have a run in with the Teenage Fucking Ninja Turtles next, right?”

As if on que, you hear laser blasts and shinking metal. The high pitched beeping on an alarm sounded as you heard people—‘Male, teenagers… fuck my life,’— talking about power or something as their footsteps approach your room. You pound on the door. “Hey! Over here!”

You see a brown set of eyes look in through the window. Your suspicions are confirmed; ‘Definitely TMNT larping.’

“We found her,” the owner of said eyes, the one cosplaying as Donatello, calls to the others. Lasers shoot by his head as he turns to stare death in the eyes.

“We’ll hold them off. You pick the lock.” ‘Leonardo.’ You breathe a soft sigh of relief; if nothing else, you are apparently on the side of the people trying to get you out in this game. You hear footsteps going towards the firing.

“Don’t worry,” “Donatello” reassures you, voice tight with apparent anxiety, “I’ll have you out of there in a second!”

“Thanks, Donnie.” You give him a half-hearted thumbs up, trying to see what he was doing through the window. “Take your time.”

His eyebrows furrow. “Wait, how do you know my name?”

You sigh. “Look, man, I don’t know the script for the first episode by heart. You’re gonna have to cut me some slack for not being off-book.”

“Off—what?” He stares at you blankly.

You purse your lips. “I’ll explain if you let me out,” you promise. “Just pick the lock before the blue one gives you shit.”

“Oh, right! The lock!” He nods, grasping onto the logical thing you say and leaning down to start working on the alien technology. He pulls the cover off a control panel by your door, starting to fiddle with the wires.

You lean against the door, watching him work curiously. You hear the battle cries of “Michelangelo” and the toppling of robots as he works, clearly focused on his task. You zone out again. “This is some serious shit,” you mumble.

He mutters in frustration. The one dressed as Raph marches over, more impatient. “Oh for the love of—get out of my way,” he snarls, proceeding to take a very real looking sai out and stabbing the panel with a very in-character ferocity. You almost feel the urge to applaud the acting, and you might if this weren’t such a high stakes situation.

The door in front of you and behind you open at the same time and, deciding against getting captured again—you remember something about hanging from a helicopter in that scenario and you want nothing to do with that—you run alongside the turtles like your life depends on it, stumbling to a halt once you reach outside and slamming the doors closed behind you, blocking it with your back.

Your feet scramble to gain some traction on the cement. “Donnie,” you snap, almost impressed by the force used to pound against the doors, “put your staff in the handles of the door. We gotta go ASAP.”

“Wait, hold up.” The one dressed as Raph jabs his thumb towards you. “How do you know his name?”

You groan. “For fucks- it’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, not fucking Happy Sugar Life. Get the thing in the thing before the vine thing kills us!”

“The what?” Donnie and Raph seem much more confused than before, staring at you inquisitively and angrily respectively.

“Uh, guys?” Mikey pointed. “I think she means that vine thing.”

From the shadows emerges a towering creature made of plant life, its vinelike limbs draping across the ground like roots as it rears its ugly head. Its exposed, pulsating heart pressed against what remains of the creature’s ribcage. “You did this to me,” It growls. “Now you’re going to pay!”

“It’s-“

You cut Leo off. “Snake guy. Mutated into a weed. If you wanna kill it, go for the heart.”

He looked back at you, joining the other two pairs of piercing stares. “Cut that out.”

“Then don’t monologue and kill it before it has mobility!”

“On it.” Raph charges at its lumbering form, and within moments, it falls to the ground in a heap.

The pounding against the door is getting more intense. “Donnie! Staff!”

“Right!” He runs over, sliding his staff in between the door handles.

You stumble forward, the pounding already starting to crack the wood. “Alright, now we can leave.” Without waiting for the others, you sprint away from the building like your life depends on it. The others, clearly confused, follow.

You got a fair few city blocks away before you slow down, breathing heavy and palms stamped with the outline of the key you were holding desperately onto. “You run really fast for cosplayers,” you pant, “with all the- the paint and all.”

“Yeah, about that.” Donatello stops next to you, a thousand questions apparently swimming around in his head. “How do you know our names?” His mouth moves a mile a minute. “How did you know the weakness of that vine creature? What do you mean, cosplay? Who are you? Who were they?”

You cut him off. “One question at a time, hot stuff. Deep breathes.”

His pupils dilate. “H-hot stuff?”

Leo cuts in. “How did you know what we were—uh—cosplaying?” he asks tentatively.

“Odd time to cut the act, but alright.” Your heart rate lowers to a decent pace as your mind still struggles to comprehend what had just happened. You slow your breathing. “I mean,” you explain, gesturing with your hands, “it’s TMNT. It’s iconic.”

“Iconic?” He nods. “Well, since you know so much about it, then why don’t we test your knowledge? To see if you’re a real fan..”

“Y-you think I’m hot?”

“I don’t see the point, but I’m down.” You shrug, deciding to ignore the melting turtle for a second. “Shoot.”

He thinks for a moment. “Who’s the main character?”

You shrug. “You four, I guess.”

Mikey jumped in. “What’s the theme song?”

“Gonna have to be more specific there, buddy.”

“Is it really a great idea to just talk out here in the open?” Raph crossed his arms across his front.

“Probably not.” You look around. “Unless you have a map on you, I’d suggest we go back to your lair.”

“Our—what kind of stalker—”

“Look, honey,” you sigh, “if we’re going to go over every aspect of their lives that I know about we’re going to be here for a long time. For our purposes, just assume I know everything I need to know, and if you’re curious about specifics, we’ll go on a case-by-case basis.” You start walking down the sidewalk. “I’m guessing you guys hang out in the sewer, right?” You feel almost tempted to say that they’re just flat out psychotic, their blatant conviction in their own characters almost frightening. ‘I’ve heard of kinning,’ you think, pulling up a manhole cover you see at the end of an alley and wincing at the smell, ‘but this is ridiculous.’ You blink at the surprising lack of weight.

“Yeah.” Mikey—no, the Michelangelo cosplayer—walked over, already hopping in. “Our show must be super popular, right? Who’s the favorite character? How long have we been running?”

“Oh, you guys are—” You stop talking. “Wait, what year is it?” You start climbing down.

“Two thousand and twelve. Why?”

You step off the ladder, starting to walk behind him as he lead the way. “Well, it’s not tweny twelve where I’m from. It’s twenty twenty.”

“Wait, hold up.” He turns around to face you as he walks. “You’re from the future? That is so freakin awesome!”

You rub the back of your neck, trying to ignore the smell. “I mean,” you confess, “being from the future would be cooler if I was from a better time, I think.” ‘I wonder where they—’ You shake your head. “But, If we were running on the same time, I’d only be seven, I think, so it’s pretty cool I get to be here, I guess.”

“Dude, totally!” He turns a corner. “Our first day up top and we meet a time traveler?”

“Technically,” a voice from behind you makes you jump, “if what she’s saying is true, she somehow also knows interdimensional travel as well.”

‘Mother fucking ninj—cosplayers, focus. Don’t let them pull you in too.’ “Well, I really wouldn’t say—”

“Guys, is there not a clearly bigger concern on our hands?” You were already getting sick of not hearing footsteps. “Like, say, I don’t know, the fact she’s claiming we’re fictional characters?”

“Look, man,” you roll your eyes, “I already said I’m more than happy to answer any questions I can. In fact,” you continued, stopping in your tracks as you stared the red—clad turtle in the eye, “I’ll even stay put until we sort this whole situation out.”

“Fine by me.” Leo and Raph both face you, eyes boring into your soul as you stand there awkwardly.

“Let’s start off with the basics.” Leo’s tone is awfully light compared to his blatant skepticism. “What is everyone’s name?”

You force yourself not to roll your eyes again. “You’re all Hamatos.” You point at the tall one with the gap in his teeth. “That one’s Donatello, the yellow one next to him is Michelangelo, you,” you point at the red one with the broader shoulders, “are Raphael, and the sensei appointed leader is Leonardo. Easy.”

Leonardo nods. “Okay, you got the easy one.” It is at times like these when you wish you could read people. “What are we?”

“Teenage mutant ninja turtles.” You don’t have to hesitate.

“How did we become the way we are?”

“Splinter had a Kraang run in and you got ooze on you. Last thing you touched before you transformed was a person, so you became turtle/human hybrids.” You rest a hand on your hip. “Oh, happy birthday, by the way.”

A sea of blank faces face you. “Wait, you know who those things are?” Donatello is the first to speak after a pregnant pause.

“Well, yeah.” You shrug, the reality of the situation not yet dawning on you. “They almost take over the world in at least two season finales.

“They what?”

“Yeah.” You stick your hands in your pockets, fingering the key and note, confused by their apparent horror. “I mean, I’m still on the season three finale, but alien invasion is this show’s bread and butter for the most part.”

“I- what?” Raphael appears to be having a stroke. “What- bre- I- huh? What the-“

“Is he okay?” You look, completely unconcerned, at Donatello, who is swaying on his feet.

“Alien.. invasion…”

You blink, walking over to him and placing your hand on his cheek. You were surprised at the feeling of skin under your palm. ‘Not face paint..’ You look his incredibly pale face over curiously. ‘Not a mask…’ “Oh.” Your fingers slide down and off his jaw, falling slackly. “You weren’t joking, were you?”

If nothing else, he seems less concerned than he did a second ago.

Leonardo—‘The actual—hold on a minute.’—grabs your shoulder. “This isn’t a joke.” His face is stone. “You’re being serious, right?”

You felt blood drain out of your face. “Sadly? Yes.” You force yourself to take deep breaths so as to not pass out. “But, on the bright side,” you smiled weakly, “I can guarantee your survival for at least a few months.”

“What do you mean a few months?” Raphael is shaking as he yells, his voice roar echoing in the enclosed space. “How is it only—what the hell?”

“The show only ran over the course of an in-universe year.” You fight to keep your voice steady as dread seizes your throat. “I don’t know what happens after the year is up, or if it even lasts the whole year.”

“So we have less than twelve months to live?”

“This is so not cool.” Michelangelo is having a bit of a mental breakdown. “So, so not cool.”

“Hey, it’s not a guarantee!” You put your hands up reassuringly. “That’s just how long the show runs. Besides, it’s a kid’s show. There’s no way they’d kill off the main characters.”

“The hell they—who the hell is they?”

“Nickelodeon.”

“What the fuck is Nickelodeon?”

You groan. “Look, I’m just saying that you four are definitely going to survive the next few months!” Your voice rises easily to his volume. “I don’t know what happens after those months are up! I haven’t gotten to that point!”

“Why the hell not?”

You ran your fingers through your hair, laughing incredulously. “What, do you think I knew I was going to meet the IRL Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and had a chance to plan accordingly? No!” You throw your hands up in the air. “I died last night and now I’m here! Hell, I don’t even know where the fuck I’m going to go, fuck knowing who’s going to get the fucking axe between now and the series finale!”

“Will you two both cut it out?” Leo snapped, shutting you two up.

You put your hands up, still fuming and glaring at Raphael. He responds in kind.

“What’s your name?” He looked at you.

“Y/N. Y/N L/N.” Your breathing slows slightly.

“Alright. Y/N, you said you’ve seen up to season three, right?”

“Yeah.” You nod.

“Meaning you know what’s going to happen in the next few months, right?”

You nod at the leader.

He thinks for a moment. “Then we need to stay in contact. If what you’re saying is true, your knowledge of our show could be extremely valuable to us.”

You rub your eyes with your hands, sighing, trying to cool down. “I can do that.” You put your hands down. “If nothing else, I’m more than happy to offer up emotional support. The next few months are going to be extremely physically and emotionally difficult for you guys.”

Donnie pipes up. “Do you have a place to stay?”

You pull out the piece of paper. “I have an address and key, but I don’t know my way around NYC.” You smile slightly at the unintentional rhyme. “Do you guys know where ten west fifteenth street—wait, it’s your guys’ first day.” You nod. “I forgot.”

“It’s alright.” Donatello is oddly quick saying that. “I-if you want, I—we can help you find it.”

You rub your arm, your previous indignance replaced with extreme embarrassment at your previous actions. “Nah, it’s alright,” you reassure him. “I’m sure I can find a map or something.”

“It’s really not safe to just wander around New York so late.”

You pause at that. “That is an extremely good point.” You nod. “Alright. But I owe you guys dinner or something for trusting me this far. Also,” you smile teasingly, “what you’re currently eating is legitimately revolting.”

“Amen to that.” Raphael, if nothing else, seems to have calmed down.

Mikey hopped in. “Oh, we just found this crazy awesome food—”

“I can order pizza,” you reassure him.

He punches the air excitedly. “Let’s go!”

“If you want, you can sleep on the couch for tonight,” Leonardo offers. “It’s going to get light pretty soon, and we really shouldn’t be seen.”

You shrug. “Works for me.

As you follow the teenagers down the sewer, conversating as you walk, you take a moment to reflect on all that has happened so far. A part of you, oddly enough, is almost excited by the prospect of spending time with these guys. But a stronger, darker part reminds you sweetly of the dangers you knew lay ahead.

You close your eyes. ‘I’m never going to see my family again, am I?’

How that is the least of your worries, you don’t know.

Table Of Contents

Chapter 2

[cakeandpi]

Parker!! spoilers abound

hm, so Harry (aka Lawyer) has been fired/let go and no one gave him the memo on it. Is his old job/boss going to be this episodes mark?

oof, Harry is bad at being subtle with his ‘okay look in [place]’ comm directions

ah okay so isn’t a legal firm that’s about representing their clients to the best of their ability. it’s a firm whose about smoothing bad things over for rich clients so that there’s little to no consequences.

“I remember when you wanted to change the world.”/“World did change. We just went along for the ride.” So the world changed the boss, the boss gave up on changing the world because he saw a way to profit from it and didn’t care that he hurt others along the way.

The way that car drove up onto the curve, I thought that was Sophie in a big hurry at first. (I would have thought Parker but there wasn’t enough time for her to crack the safe, get to the relevant files, get out, and then drive there.) But no, it’s Maxwell’s thugs because the man holds a grudge apparently. So I’m going to guess he’s going to be the season big bad? Or is he just a 2-episode bad guy and we’ll find out who the real big bad is later?

Hardison: listing various problems on various international efforts he’s helping with Eliot: let’s make this a restaurant metaphor Hardison: *very much regretting ever buying Eliot that brewpub*

Nuts and bolts about bad guy details

Also that bit about Hardison being distracted by problems is definitely a distraction, there’s no way he’d pause on making sure their safehouse was secure

Eliot is not so much pissed as insulted that the world is at the point of advertising the corruption rather than him needing to beat it out of someone.

drone!!

*snort* eliot's usually the grouchy one, and he’s carrying a trashcan right now. there’s no way hardison doesn’t make some oscar the grouch joke once he sees that.

“It’s like you never stopped.”/“Yeah. Quite the act.” Sophie slows down at Hardison’s comment, then sighs and sits. She’s finding this tiring now. Is it because she’s out of practice? Or because after so many years of retirement, her hearts not in it anymore? And Hardison notices. He doesn’t say anything concrete immediately, because Sophie hasn’t really elaborated on what’s going on with her. When she does - it’s her grief, and how its affecting her grift now - there’s this concern in Hardison’s face. There’s absolutely going to be a meeting between the OT3 about how to straddle not straining Sophie too much and not babying her should she stay on for another job after this.

“But I can’t work forever, can I?” There’s a defeated tone to this, and it’s true - Sophie’s just human, one day she too will pass on. Her grief for Nate (and how being back with the team keeps reopening that wound) is coloring her view on this for sure. (Did Nate work himself to death?) It’s also, very distantly, a remark on the OT3 - they too can’t work forever. They were Sophie’s and Nate’s proteges. And it’s not that the OT3 doesn’t have anything in place if they go down - they’ve got small teams running all over the world. But they don’t have their own personal proteges. Harry’s a decent start, but they’ll need to recruit and open up their circle to at least one, maybe two more before they’re ready to retire. Before they, too, burn too hot for too long.

“You hear that? That’s a very distinctive sound.” YES

Another Basil & Brick truck! This one has.... empanadas, ropa vieja, sancocho, and I think the last one is yuca frita. Mm, yuca fries.

BREANNA!!!

Parker! Taught Breanna to tail people! (Hardison in particular?) When she was 11! Wait does that mean Parker’s met Nana?! Also Parker is so smug and satisfied that Breanna paid attention to her lessons.

“I teach every kid I meet how to do crime.” <3 be gay do crime

This is a big ‘I’m telling mom!’ argument and I love it, especially the “I think she’s napping” LMAO

“How you saved Eliot’s life all those times” Oh man Hardison is sleeping on the metaphorical couch tonight. But also I need to come back to this later because honestly and really? Hardison has - as part of a group team effort - saved Eliot’s life from himself. By giving him a way to work through his anger issues, by caring for him, by showing Eliot he’s needed and that he’s more than just a hitter. The team saved Eliot’s life. (And there’s probably a bunch of erasing digital trails/etc where Hardison did more directly save Eliot’s life but that's besides the point.)

“But hacking’s kind of old school anyway.” And as she goes on, Eliot goes from aggrieved to ‘oh, a new best friend’ because now he has someone to help him annoy Hardison.

Parker pulls Hardison into a side room (by his ear, but he’s not protesting in pain so that’s got to be just for show). And then pushes him up against the wall and Hardison is like ‘okay whatever lecture is coming can it not be like this?’ If it weren’t for the glass walls that’d be some makeout stuff right here.

LOL at Parker’s standard for a ‘normal’ person being ‘uses Uber, pays taxes, and has a birth certificate’.

“Wait is this like that time in Paris?” I... don’t remember an episode set in Paris with a robot and explosions so this must be during the time skip. And - “... but you didn’t want to hurt Eliot’s feelings so you secretly wanted us to agree.” I’m going to scream if there’s no confirmed ot3 by the end of the season. And cry. And read a whole bunch of fic.

Look at these two being honest with each and communicating and respecting each others opinions, they’ve grown so much from pretzel metaphors.

“You’re not mad. You did the Picard tug.”/“I am mad.“/“Did the tug. You know I like that.” Parker might be mad (at Hardison? Breanna? Both?) but not so much that she’s completely shutting out Hardison, giving him a nonverbal signal that she’s not pissed, just needs some time to be upset before everything’s okay.

“One. Job.” Parker says. And we the viewers know it’ll be more than one. But really what that means by now is that this is an audition. Parker may have taught Breanna some things, but now Breanna has to show that they do better with her rather than without, that she’s an asset and not a liability or dead weight.

I laughed so hard that because this shit’s illegal, there’s no cutting corners on the paperwork.

“And you didn’t get tortured.”/“Not this time.” I can’t tell if Eliot wants Harry to get a little bit tortured or if he’s just reminding Harry that this time around people were in a good mood and showing off.

Breanna stops herself before suggesting something, and Hardison, for all that he isn’t delighted at her presence and protested her being here, encourages her to speak up. If she’s going to be part of the team, even for one job, she’s part of the team and that means speaking up and throwing ideas out there for others to bounce around, even if it winds up being a football that can’t be dribbled.

OT3 TEAM JUST GOT DUBBED ‘DRILL TEAM’. (why is that also somehow a dirty joke i’m dying here)

Oh one of the baddies is a Com4r4t fan... oh wait no this is the beginning of a plan backfiring.

Aww Breanna is so proud of what she’s done! It’s very much like season 1 Hardison. So Sophie and Hardison go to do their own thing, only that means the baddies are here to talk to Breanna and she doesn’t have backup.

THE 'LET ME GET MY BOSS’ THE SPIN AROUND AND THE ‘WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING MY STAFF’ I LOVE BREANNA.

“I’m your neighbor who runs a business built on discretion.” This is going to go very badly depending on how Breanna plays this. At least she gets the earbud in to call for help!

Another Brick&Basil truck! Etoufee and jambalaya, dammit eliot stop choosing delicious food to advertise. 

“I monkey-shamed the DJ” I. Love. Her. Also Sophie’s already read Breanna as having the skills to just need general guidelines for an impromptu grift rather than needing to be fed specific lines.

“Okay here’s the thing.” And there’s a pause, we’re thinking he’s about to come down real hard on Breanna, and then we get “I love Com4r4t.” he is a fanboy I guessed it right!! And then he does go through with the threat, but not as a ‘cancel it or die’ sort of threat, but a ‘if i’m disappointed you die’ way.

Breanna nails the impromptu grift though she’s understandably a bit shaken by the threat at the end. (What newcomer wouldn’t be?) But the threat is what pushes Parker into deciding Breanna should go home ASAP. This is Hardison’s family, from before the team, and Parker isn’t about to risk messing that up. If she pushes for Breanna to stay when Hardison doesn’t want Breanna to, and something goes wrong? Parker would never, ever forgive herself.

But as Sophie has pointed out, they’ve all been out of their depth at one point or another. That doesn’t mean that someone should be sent packing.

Lmao Eliot being possessive of the drill.

“Then you ain’t got no more problems ever again.” There’s a certain sense of morbid humor with the team, one that’s both necessary but also a reality. They deal with this level of danger on a semi-regular basis. Harry just hasn’t caught up to that fact yet.

I have a feeling this particular baddie is going to end up dead for managing to drive a 40% cut.

“I’m just saying dude.” I love that Eliot and Hardison don’t have to rehash their entire arguments anymore unless they’re really enjoying themselves, that they can just be all ‘you know I’ve said my piece’.

“Don’t get distracted by the side gig.”/“Is it a side gig?” For all that the team has been their main focus for so long, for all that they all have side projects and gigs, this has been eating up more and more of Hardison’s time. What I thought was him pretending to be distracted earlier may have been a real distraction. And Eliot’s noticed, and he’s noticed that Hardison hasn’t noticed, that Hardison needs to make a choice here.

“In our line of work, you’re one of the best. But in that line of work you’re the only one, man.” Eliot has a soft smile at the end of that, and it's a bit painful, even as I saw it coming, to hear Eliot suggest that Hardison begin to step away from the team’s day to day.

“It’s okay to grow up, to realize you’re not the person you used to be.” None of them are the person they used to be. Not Sophie, not Parker, not Hardison, and certainly not Eliot. They can see that in each other if not in themselves. (Eliot, being the most grounded of all of them, already knew he’d changed eight years ago.)

“You never grew up.”/“Yeah. I achieved perfection pretty early, huh?” Even as Eliot’s the most grounded, even though he’s the one saying that there’s no one else that could fill Hardison’s role in that other work, the idea that Hardison might actually choose to step away from the team is too raw to handle without turning to humor.

Harry’s a bit jumpy, but he’s learning to play it off. I like that he’s a very different character from Nate, that it’s not his anger or ego driving him so much as a desire to make restitution.

And a “Dammit Hardison”

Ooh, Eliot’s in the vents too, just in time to help Parker. (She doubtless has her beloved taser but that would take time away from getting into the vault.)

“I smell lasers” Ahahahahaha

“You’re going to compare me to Eliot right now?” (’over the comms, where others who aren’t Eliot can hear?’ Hardison did not say out loud.)

ouch, okay, Hardison hurting his back like that might be what actually makes him choose the other gig over the team, or at what makes him take a little vacation so he can heal from that. (back injuries are nothing to play around with!)

how did Maxwell get past Eliot? but it’s all good, Eliot’s right behind to disarm him. And Parker’s been doing her hitting lessons, she didn’t even need a taser or to stab anyone!

Oh Harry, the bomb will be used, it’s just not time yet.

New Orleans gumbo is its own food group.

Okay so Hardison’s done a lot of work getting this place in order... WAIT IS THAT A PUNCHING BAG? That’s a punching bag! It might not be the love-letter the brewpub was but it’s definitely a thing added specifically for Eliot.

Oh no, Eliot might realize what Hardison’s doing with this, but Parker hasn’t caught up yet that Hardison’s going to be taking a break from the team.

Parker’s blindsided by this, and she’s upset, but she’s not mad because why didn’t she see this coming she should have seen it, so she leaves to deal with her emotions alone. Hardison follows, naturally, she knew he would, but she can’t face him because then he’ll see her crying, and Parker doesn’t do emotions easily. She’s torn between wanting him to help people and wanting to be with him (and she can’t go with him, she needs to be helping people too).

And Parker doesn’t want Breanna there without Hardison. Again because it’d put Hardison’s family in danger and that’s a step too far for Parker if Hardison doesn’t okay it. And also because with Hardison leaving, Breanna’s just going to be reminders of what Parker’s missing. And Breanna doesn’t have Hardison’s skillset, can’t fill his shoes - not that she should but she can’t, and Parker, I think, is already mentally preparing herself to go it alone again. Because if this job needs Hardison so bad, then surely Eliot’s got some project that needs his specific attention, and it was just one job for Breanna, and Sophie’s been adamant that this is one last job for her, and Harry’s still new and will probably decide to do his own thing given time to think... I think that’s where her brain is at, at least for the next thirty seconds, before she catches up with herself and realizes that more like the time she busted her leg than the team dissolving around her. (This kind of went weird places but that’s stream of thought for me)

And as they come back in Parker’s already cheering up some, because that wave of despair has already blown over. Yeah, she’s not a parent, but she’s good at teaching when she tries.

“It could be a reunion tour.”/“No. I’m retired.” It’s very different from Nate’s old protestations. He was not a thief. Whereas with Sophie it’s not ready. And while they all point out that she’s been happier while doing cons, that they could use the help, it’s not forceful or overpowering. It’s still Sophie’s decision. They’re not going to make her house their new base and taunt her with it; they’re not the sort of people who’d do that anymore, and anyway that’d be cruel instead of a fun sort of goading.

And because they give Sophie space to make a decision, while she doesn’t want to make a long-term commitment, she’s willing to take on ‘just a few more’.

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Carl Barks: Back to the Klondike Review: Blinkus of the Thinkus

Welcome one and all! If your a longtime reader of this blog, you know I love a good birthday celebration, having started with my first year reviewing animation last year with Donald’s and deciding to do Mickey and Scrooge’s later that year. But since I misseda  LOT of disney birthdays, and found several Non-disney birthdays and anniversaries I just gotta celebrate, this year i’m making it up and style and have a whole calender set up to tack these big milestones to the wall. So over the year expect tributes to the greats of disney, looney tunes, and mgm both behind and in front of the scenes, as well as to various shows I like. It’s gonna be a good time. 

So to start us off, it’s only fitting my first duck birthday since Scrooge, is for the love of his life and the stealer of his wallet, Glittering Goldie O Gilt! And I felt the best way to celebrate this storied day was to go back to her very FIRST apperance, one of earliest Scrooge headlined comics and a forever fan faviorite, Back to the Klondike!

But before we get into that, a little history on our gal in gold. Goldie was created for this story by comics god, the late great Carl Barks. Barks ended up just using her once, which is a shame but understandable as he probably only thought of her for that one adventure. While some characters like Gyro ended up being used again and again he probably just didn’t have any more stories in mind for her and figured Scrooge would return to her one day or he wouldn’t, but it wasn’t up to him.  Fans however loved the character, her feisty dynamic with scrooge, and the fact she brought out his good side, so naturally other writers would bring her back. In paticular Barks Superfan Don Rosa cemented her as the love of his life and wrote several more stories with her, fleshing out their backstory and saying that at least in his personal canon, Scrooge retired to spend his final years with her. And while his fanboy was clearly showing, and that can end nasitly just ask Dan “Hates Wally West because he’s not barry allen” DiDio, glad he’s gone.. Rosa’s work with goldie is an example of what happens when it’s done right. Less DiDio or Bendis and more Al Ewing. Using the continuity and what’s there to build on a character who deserved better.. to me that’s one of the BEST things you can do in comics and Rosa’s work is proof of that, ironing out the.. questionable elements we’ll get to and leaving the gold in.  So Rosa’s work combined with Ducktales not only adapting this story but bringing Goldie back a few times after that has elevated the character to a storied and permenat part of the duck canon, with her excellent heavily revamped Reboot counterpart currently carrying the torch with the help of the wonderful Allison Janey, perfect casting there. So with a legacy of gold behind her, let’s take a look at where it’s started and see if it still glitters after all these years under the cut. 

We begin our story at the Money Bin. Scrooge has been counting his money.. but has already forgotten, and forgot where he put the slip he wrote the number on and even forgets who Donald is when he shows up until Donald, while having some fun with him as Scrooge is trying to phone him while he’s right there. As for how he got into the most secure place in the bin.. the story actually answers that both worringly and hilariously: Scrooge left the door unlocked.  Naturally he’s not happy about this and Donald states the simple solution: Go see a doctor something’s CLEARLY very wrong, and the fact this could possibly be something like Demntia is VERY bad for someone who runs a zillion dollar company. Scrooge of course scoffs at “wasting his precious money” But Donald not only points out the obvious, that two bucks now saves him from having someone rob EVERYTHING, but Scrooge’s attempt to tie a string around his finger.. instead triggers a trap. And this entire sequence is decent with some good gags.. it’s just hampered a bit by making light of something that’s kinda bad. Not old people forgetting things.. but an old person with a disease as we find out forgetting things. Not helping is I laughed at first at the gags.. till I remembered a kind, old, friend of the family who had it and forgot me entirely by the end. So yeah, not the worst gags and the boxing glove and donald bits aren’t terrible, but it hurts now my brain’s made that connection. 

Our heroes head to the doctor’s office where Scrooge is diagnosed with... 

That.. might be the best name for a fictional illness i’ve ever heard in my life.. just inching out “Brain Cloud” and “Whale Cancer”. Still not the most SENSITIVE gag.. but it was the 50′s and mental issues weren’t given a lot of respect. IT’s why the above sequence and this whole part of the plot dosen’t scuttle things: It’s not the most repsectful.. but it wasn’t a time where these things were givne proper respect, treatment or knowledge, so barks wasn’t being an insentive douche on purpose, he just didn’t know. It dosen’t make it 100% okay btu it dosen’t wreck the story like say his blatant racist caractures in Voodoo Hoodoo. Seriously that’s.. not okay, and given he’s the kind of guy who researched locations he used, unlike with mental illness i expect BETTER of him than most men at the time. Still respect the guy, but it dosen’t mean i’ll overlook the fact he made some pretty bad mistakes. Same way while I love and miss Stan Lee I won’t ignore his blatant sexisim or racisim towards Chinese and Vitamise people. You CAN like a creator even if their work has some questionable and unjustifable elements, times do change and people do mamke mistakes when their young. It just depends on exactly WHAT they did or wrote that makes that distinctoin.  So on that bombshell, Scrooge is given medication after a needle gag. He needs to take his pills every 12 hours. It’s then he starts to remember something, mubling abotu skagway, goldie and dawson and telling Donald to get the boys, their going to Alaska! Once they get on the boat Scrooge explains: he remembered thanks to the medcince he left a stash of gold nuggets there from his prospecting days.. and part of why this story ended up being one of the single most important to Scrooge’s character. While it establishes some character traits, something I dind’t realize till wikipedia pointed it out, it also establishes Scrooge’s days as a prospector. While other things made him what he was and got him to that point as Don Rosa would later flesh out, it was his days in the yukon that, for better or worse defined who he is now and shaped him into the man he is today: Tough, fair, badass as all hell, mean as the devil and richer than god.  This time would be used a lot to set up stories, which made sense as it was the cleast and most agreed upon part of his past by all writers, and him at his abosltuely peak physically and mentally and the gold rush motif of the time perfectly fits someone defined by being rich. It’s also honestly nice that the Yukon is used, as Canada sometimes gets lost in the shuffle wise and hell until reading life and times I gneuinely had no idea what the Yukon was or where Calvin was headed when he and hobbes ran away from home. 

Scrooge also first mentions Goldie and while clearly remembering her fondly.. goes into a rant about her howing him a thousand dollars which has compounded to a billion the second the boys catch on he was sweet on her with Donald assuming he’s just not a good person. But this is really just setting up another vital part of his character and the other thing: his heart. Before he’d been show as a pretty heartless, greedy asshole. While the previous story, Only a Poor Old Man, had softened him up a bit, this is the first to show that beneath the pile of greed and mean lurks a decent human being. Just don’t tell anyone or he’ll throw his money at you.. then tell you to bring it back to him. It’s what makes the character who he is: he’s cruel, onrey and selfish.. but he CAN care when the chips are down and can do the right thing.. as we’ll see later. 

God I love the little poems Bill Watterson would put in the books. I didn’t as much as a kid, but god I do now. Anyways before our heroes can get going Yukon Ho, they stop in Skagway for suplies before heading out, Scrooge softing at taking a plane as “Soft” and him and the nephews hiking a week.. before running into the same flying service again, and finding out Scrooge OWNS it and forgot, because being scrooge he forgot to take his meds. Something I can relate to and i’m not proud of as staying on them is important to my well being. Seriously always take your meds. Unless their not working for you then talk with your doctor to get new ones. 

So we arrive in Dawson, as our heroes will have to walk rest of the day Scrooge takes the boys to the Black Jack Ballroom, which used to be a hot spot and was where he met Goldie for the first time. After another covering for his reminscing with greedy bollocks, he tells the boys the story.. one that was cut from the original printing despite introducing goldie and something the editors dind’t bother to tell carl till they berated him over trying to sneak a blackjack saloon and a kidnapping in there... and to them, or their long dead skeletons probably, I say. 

Yeah not wanting that in a kids story, while bollocks, tha’ts their perogative.. not having him send in replacement pages to keep story flow.. is dickish and underestimates kids intellegence as Don Rosa, while loving the story felt something was off till he saw the missing pages years later thanks to a fellow fan. So yeah kids, and adults, into the work noticed. Nice job. Again I can’t BLAME them for not wanting Scrooge to be a kidnapper as we’ll see and Don Rosa had to massage the hell out of that, but I can blame them for not caring enough to fix the obvious hole int he story. Though it’s now complete and unabriged and has been since the 80′s so there's that. 

So in a nutshell Scrooge came to town for a coffee, and while the bartender ignored him he didn’t once he plunked down his goose egg nugget, what made his fortune and one of Scrooge’s most treasured possessions. It’s here we meet Goldie. 

Yup.. just in case you thought her being a thief and greedy as hell was a new thing, and I kinda forgot how much, she dirves for the nugget, has Coffee with scrooge.. and drugs it, but makes the mistake of NOT clearing town, so Scrooge fights his way through the ballroom to her, gets the nugget back, forces her to sign the money for the iou he spent.. and then uh.. kindaps her to force her to work on his claim for 50 cents to try and teach her how to work honestly. 

Yeahhhh as I said Don Rosa tried his best to fix this , and did so in his final story, which we’ll get to some day, revealing Goldie had a shot gun on her the whole time and was going along entirely to find out where Scrooge’s claim was. That.. actually makes more sense with the character and is far less horrifying and Scrooge finds this out fairly quick, so them forming an attraction out of this becomes 100% more plausable. So yeah good on Don Rosa for fixing the implications here. I may give out on him from time to time.. but he is a genuinely talented writer and did what a good comic book writer in an established continuity should do: update elements so they aren’t so... eugguuhhh after they become horrifingly outdated. And look YES she did do horrible shit to him.. but you still can’t kidnap someone over that. just put her in jail. What was any of that. 

Anyways Scrooge HAS been taking his medicine, and proves it by showing the boys his pills and the next day they head to Scrooge’s old claim.. only someone’s living there and using it, and his old cabin.. and a shot gun. Yeah so they aren’t getting through in the day what about the night.. well they get attacked by Blackjack, who turns out to be owned by the claim jumper.. and is also you know a bear> And Donald left his back in new quackmore so their outmatched. 

So outgunned and outplanned, if not outnumbered or outmanned, our heroes make a camp fire and whiel Donald again suggests the obvious, call the police.. Scrooge can’t. He didn’t pay taxes on the claim so he’s technically jumping his own claim and techincally she has a right to it. So techncially.. Scrooge is the bad guy here as he left the money here, didn’t pay his taxes and didn’t ever come back for it. Still beats trying to terrify your nephews or deny orphans a train because your an asshole buffet. 

So the next morning Scrooge dosen’t want to rush her because “We Daren’t Get Rough with an old woman”. Two things.. 1... think before you put images in my head scrooge.. brrrrrrrrr. I mean Goldie. is not in the best shape in thie story as you’ll see and neither are you. In the reboot sure you two kept up a lot better but here.

And it’s not even an old people thing. Ann Margret was still fine so fine by the time of Grumpy Old Men, not to get creepy jut to prove i’m not being ageist. For a still alive example Keith David is also still a smokeshow at the tender age of 64. So yeah, not an age thing just not these paticular old people. 

But they need a plan so the boy suggest luring the bear into a trap with honey. Donald and Scrooge build the cage while the boys.. find the jar of honey. 

Regardless since the boys won’t do it for what Scrooge pays and neither will donald Scrooge goes to lure the bear with the honey. Once that’s done, and Scrooge is being covered with honey and licked by a bear...

So while he washes that off, the boys come up with another plan: they run around back while Donald makes noise to draw Goldie’s fire, with that being Dewey’s plan to meet her since he’s figured this out already. But Goldie has a backup plan and when she figures out they disabled Blackjack unleashes mosquitos... ugh. Having been stung like hornets about 50 times in animal crossing I feel you boys. So while Scrooge and Donald run off naked... troy if you will. 

Thank you Troy, the boys confront Goldie who reveals her identity... and that she’s broke, her dance hall having failed with the rush and this claim being all she has.. and her suspecting scrooge woudl gladly take it. The boys vow not to tell scrooge.. but he’s on his way so they kinda have to and he primps to go visit and Donald starts to see through his BS about collecting the debt. Sure enough despite being taken aback by her putting on her old dress , he takes her for all she has and is.. genuinely suprised as she thought she’d have more and she’d actually changed since the old days, donating her profits to orphans from mining disasters. Scrooge.. is clearly rattled by this. Whiel it turns out to my shock he was clealry after the money, though givne who we’re dealing with I shoudln’t of been really, he still cares and still realizes he’s being kind of a dick. So he challengers her to a gold digging race, and if she wins the claim is hers and any gold she finds.. and naturally, while he seemingly puts her soemwhere where there isn’t she finds the claim and Scrooge bemoans not taking his pill.. but while the boys boo him for it, Goldie who fondly waves them off and Donald know better: Donald points out he counted the pills this morning.. and recently. SCrooge DID take one today... he’s just has his cane shoved firmly up his ass with pride so he coudln’t ADMIT he was wrong and instead simply staged that whole thing with the full knowledge Goldie would win. It, again, sets up one of his defniing traits; how he keeps people at arms length. How he’s just so proud and full of himself he can’t bear to admit anything resembling weakness.. but WILl find a way to do the right thing without that or forgoe it as a last resort. He may project being a stingy cretionus old man.. because he is.. but he’s got a heart as big as that nugget.. it’s just locked tight in it’s own bin... his body is complicated and weird that way Final Thoughts:

This story is a classic with a decent setup, great backstory for scrooge, and a great guest character and unquestionable impact on the character. However.. it does have it’s problem; As Don Rosa, who as i’ll remind you is both a huge barks fanboy and huge scoldie shipper, himself pointed out he wrote his final story, and had planned to for years ENTIRELY because this one never quite explains how Scrooge and Goldie went from old enmies to lovers.It did lead to one of his best stories and one of the first I read post life and times so, props to that. And of course as I pointed out some things have just.. not aged well, especially the kidnapping so their relationship kinda comes off like stockholm syndrom as a result of both of these. 

That being said.. warts and all.. it’s still a really damn good story and a good one to try if your intrested in barks work or where Goldie came from: it has adventure, some really good jokes and if you can get past the dated bits the plot is solid. And while it goes without saying i’ll say it anyway Barks art is goregous as always ESPECIALLY in the flashback sequence. Overall not the best AGED Scrooge story, though not the worst either see Voodoo Hoodoo, good god, but defintely a classic for a reason.  If you liked this review, follow me for more, and for more duck content as I still have more of the three cablleros to work through, another chapter of life and times coming up this week befor ewe break again for feburary, and some other fun stuff. Until the next rainbow, it’s been a pleasure. 

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TROS spat in the face of every single abused child who was looking to this fairytale for hope. The sequel trilogy wasn’t about a farm boy looking for adventure or even an abused child falling to villainy, it was about three abused children from the different class systems all rising out of trauma and dysfunction. This was our fairytale, our story, and JJ Abrams perverted it into abuse apologist propaganda in a pathetically desperate attempt to appease the most hateful groups of fans who never understood or appreciated the story to begin with (which is why the story had to be butchered in order to appease them).

1.) Rey

Rey’s parents selling her for profit into slavery was portrayed as a good, loving thing. Child trafficking was literally portrayed as excusable, and even loving, in this children’s film. Just let that sink in for a second.

What is the message there? If your parents did something horrible that caused you years of trauma and torment, you should just not lose faith in them because they may have had a good reason (even if you have no evidence of that). Maybe a space wizard who has been dead for decades forced them to traffic you. This scene makes me want to vomit. This is how a children’s fairytale portrayed parents who sell their children into trafficking:

There is no excuse for this. Rey’s parentage was solved. Her identity crisis was over. This wasn’t needed except to force this abuse apologist message. Oh, and of course to feed the sexist fanboys a bit of eugenics to make them stop whining about how a woman could possibly be important and powerful.

TLJ was about Rey discovering her identity and letting go of her unhealthy, irrational dependency on parents who she never knew, who sold her to an abuser and left her to half-starve alone in a desert. TROS decided to give her a new identity crisis out of literally nowhere just so they could erase all that “You are not your parents, even if your parents don’t love you and/or aren’t special, you are still special and still deserving of love. You can find belonging ahead of you.” stuff with dynastic “Actually, your blood family does entirely define your identity and you should always assume they’re right even when all evidence points otherwise, just ignore your own trauma and blame it on a dead space wizard.”

The whole Rey Palpatine thing left a very bad taste in my mouth. Not just because it’s fucking stupid and something Reddit would write, but because Rey was horrible in TROS. She acted like she was possessed by Palpatine, she stabbed Ben (who she cares for and always had compassion for) to kill while he was distracted. She suddenly acted like she didn’t care about anyone around her. She just overall acted unrecognizable from the warm, loving, empathetic woman we saw in TFA and TLJ. The message here is clearly that because she has this “bad blood”, Rey can’t have an identity for herself. The only thing that saves her is taking on the identity of the good guys, she never finds her own. All the traits she’s had up until now don’t matter, who she actually is doesn’t matter. All that matters is what man’s blood runs through her veins. All Rey is is someone’s granddaughter, because if she wasn’t, then she’d really be nobody.

And thus, JJ Abrams decided that “Anyone can be special, even nobodies. Your worth is not defined by your class or your background.” was a stupid message and instead it should be pure eugenic “You’re only special if you have important people blood/name. Your identity is entirely your (male) family, not your own. No silly woman could have power of her own!”

Rey taking on the name of Skywalker is an utterly shallow attempt to fix the fact that they took every bit of Rey’s real identity from her, took half her soul (Ben is her dyad, two that are one), and then left her alone on a desert planet as if to say that her “true self” is the abused child she once was and that she can’t actually escape that. The moral of this fairytale was “You don’t need friends or love, as long as you have a glow stick (material possessions) and a super duper special name that makes you important (which you weren’t before, you were nobody).”

Not to mention that Rey basically named herself after Luke, no one else she knew actually used that name. And Luke didn’t do anything to deserve that, he rejected her at every single opportunity and only did the bare minimum to help her after being berated into it. Han was her surrogate father and the first person to offer her a life outside of Jakku. Leia was her loving mentor and pseudo-mother. Ben was the love of her life who has always been there for her when she needed someone to confide it, someone to see her true self and tell her she wasn’t alone. Luke was nothing but some cranky old guy who made her feel awful about herself and never accepted her (not to mention telling her she was inherently dangerous and also trying to murder her soulmate when he was a child which the real Rey was furious about).

2.) Finn

Finn’s character has not been given much in terms of development. For the most part, he’s been reduced to “Rey’s friend” and then “Finn’s friend”, with a little moment in there where he got to be with Rose and have his own identity but TROS of course decided to reward racist bullies and cut out Rose instead of giving the rest of the fans a satisfying story.

In TROS though, the one thing that Finn actually did that was heroic by himself, his character defining moment of turning from The First Order, was credited to the force and described like it wasn’t a choice at all. Which brings up a lot of questions and, as Han would say, “That’s not how the force works!”. It was so entirely unneeded to take that from Finn, but they gave up all of Rose’s potential screentime to do it.

There’s also the moment when Poe, our alleged hero, so hilariously (i.e callously) compares himself being a criminal to Rey being a scavenger and Finn being a stormtrooper. Completely ignoring the fact that they had no choice in that, as if their trauma doesn’t matter at all. It’s a small moment, but it was very insensitive and highlights how much the writers Did Not Care or even understand their main characters’ experiences.

3.) Ben

I don’t even know where to start with Ben Solo. His ending was the one that broke me as a person, I had so many hysterical sobbing fits over it that my loved ones were actually getting tired of it and it genuinely put me in a really bad place with my depression that I’m only just not getting out of.

Ben Solo’s story in TFA and TLJ was abuse victim’s epic, it was the story of a boy who was tortured and groomed from the time he was in his mother’s womb. A man who never knew a life without abuse. Ben Solo was described as a pure beam of light in his mother’s womb who was ensnared and tainted by a predatory force bigger and stronger than himself that he could not escape.

The feeling of being tainted and corrupted is common in abuse victims, and the fact that TROS told every single abused child out there “Yes, you really are tainted and corrupted. You do deserve to die before experiencing more than a moment of happiness and safety.” is something that I’ve yet to get over. It still infuriates me, it still breaks my heart. Ben’s entire arc up until this point has been about how he is still worthy of love.

And no, this isn’t me woobifying; it’s in the text of the films and the canon novels that Ben worked for his redemption, that he earned it. Ben fought Snoke from the time he was a child, but Ben was only a child and Snoke was too powerful, too relentless in his cruelty for him to withstand. The one and only person in the entire galaxy who had the training and the knowledge to protect Ben was his uncle, who chose to try to murder him in his sleep instead of protecting him. Ben was left with nowhere to turn except to his abuser. And even then, we see him struggle every single day to try and force himself to be this evil person that he never was. Ben was light itself who was convinced he was darkness through abuse and manipulation.

Then, when Ben found the first person who he could feel and connect with through the force, even though Snoke and Luke had abused and betrayed him - Ben still took the chance to reach out to Rey and be vulnerable with her. While interrogating an enemy, he took off his mask and revealed himself (something we only see him to for his father and when Snoke forces him to maliciously). In the middle of a war, under the thumb of the monster who has tortured him since forever, Ben was able hold Rey’s hand and tell her she wasn’t alone. He was still able to be kind. And because of that kindness, that connection, Ben found the courage to finally destroy his abuser and free himself.

Ben freed himself, and he did it out of compassion for and a need to protect Rey, not out of wrath or vengeance. If Ben were truly a creature of wrath, he would have killed Snoke before, but it was only when he had to see and hear and feel his soulmate be tortured by his own abuser that he found that courage. And yes, he did take Snoke’s place at first because that was the only way he knew how to protect himself. In his experience, people without power get hurt and that’s it. But even then, Ben was able to muster yet more strength to shed the armor that was Kylo Ren and stand with Rey unarmored against the very thing that has abused and tortured him since before he was born.

That took so much bravery and love and selflessness for Ben to stand there as himself, ready to fight his abuse and trauma head-on as Ben Solo. For him to admit he was hurt for the first time in the series. For him to crawl up a cliff with a badly broken leg out of love. For him to willingly give his very life force out of pure love. All of these things are incredible for Ben to have been able to do after all he had been through, these are more than deserving of reward. But TROS punished Ben for doing everything right, they proved that abusers always win in the end. Ben was going to survive until the last few edits. Everything we see was literally leading up to him surviving. This was Ben’s redemption, this was supposed to be him fighting for his new beginning and taking his first steps into the happiness and safety he earned, and should have had as a child, not a pointless struggle before succumbing to death:

But TROS told us, told traumatized and neurodivergent children who saw themselves in Ben, that it wasn’t good enough. That love isn’t good enough. That doing the right thing deserves to be punished. That children tainted by violence and abuse and darkness don’t deserve love and healing even when they earn redemption, even when they do everything in their power to do the right thing and be brave. The hopelessness of that is what broke me as a person. That is not what Star Wars is about. Star Wars is about redemption and love and hope; TROS was about cruelty covered up with a thin sheet of materialism and confused, poor storytelling.

[scottymcgeesterwrites]

Final Fantasy VII Remake Review

Year: 2020

Platform: PS4

I finished this game shortly after posting all my main single-player series Final Fantasy reviews. I was still digesting it and thinking about it to put together my review.

Synopsis:

The Shinra Electric Power Company rules over the city of Midgar, and the eco-terrorists AVALANCHE stop at nothing to try and prevent the life essence of the planet from being used as energy. Barrett, leader of AVALANCHE, hires a mercenary named Cloud Strife for their bombing mission on a Shinra Mako Reactor. Cloud doesn’t care much for the greater cause and only wants his pay. But then, after a mission goes awry, he meets Aerith, a flower girl who is the descendant of the Ancients. He quickly finds himself wrapped up in the greater conflict against Shinra.

Gameplay:

Final Fanatasy VII Remake has one of the best gameplay styles of any Final Fantasy game. It’s that good. It seems like after all these years, this is what Square really wanted to do. Since this was released after Final Fantasy XV, it’s pretty much the successor to its gameplay. While Final Fantasy XV has you more or less spamming the attack button with occasional spell casting and item usage, Final Fantasy VII Remake has you much more involved with the Materia system, abilities, and guarding/evading. One notable example is that Final Fantasy XV always told you when you should guard in order to counter, but Final Fantasy VII Remake has you figure that out on your own.

The abilities are so goddamn flashy and cool during gameplay. Tifa’s moves are quite possibly the most awe-inspiring.

My only complaint is locking onto the enemy during battle. You have to press down on R3 to lock onto an enemy, and I sometimes found that jarring with the camera controls. Sometimes I accidentally disengaged from an enemy and missed an attack. Since your moves are dependent on an Active Time Battle system, you can waste a turn if you get hit while conjuring a spell or taking out an item. That sometimes made me go “REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”. But in the long run, those were very small gripes. The battles are so much fun.

Since the game follows only the Midgar portion of the story, it’s linear. But you reach sections where you are free to roam around and do sidequests before continuing with the main objective. I’m sure the later releases of the remake will feel much less constrained. But this remake does a good job at expanding upon Midgar without feeling too redundant.

Graphics:

Jesus Christ. This game is gorgeous.

Both in-game graphics and pre-rendered cutscenes. The switch between a pre-rendered cutscene and in-game cutscene has become much more seamless than ever before.

If you remember my Final Fantasy XV review, I mentioned how NPCs and other in-game animations seemed stiff and stilted. Final Fantasy VII Remake takes steps to remedy that. Characters have more fluid movements and everyone’s lips move a lot more. However, lip movements can come off as awkward. My friend was watching me play, and during one in-game cutscene they said “Something looks weird with their lips.” At times, lip movements seem too dynamic when the character is standing relatively still, which comes off looking like Mr. Ed the horse trying to talk.

Despite those small awkward things, the rest of the game is extremely polished. Remember how blocky Final Fantasy VII was? We now finally see these characters and the world of Midgar brought to life in beautiful HD graphics.Like holy shit. Everyone looks so beautiful.

Before I played this game, I was a Tifa stan, but now, ho man, they made Aerith so much more appealing.

SO.

MUCH.

MORE.

APPEALING.

And Tifa shines better than ever. I’m very tempted to just gush about her but here is just a couple enticing gifs.

Imagine playing this game and still thinking gamers are oppressed.

Story:

Final Fantasy VII Remake follows from the start of the original game up until the party leaving Midgar. Square plans to release the rest of the remake later.

I have to say, they made the story a lot more engaging than the original. That may seem like blasphemy, but the dialogue and voice acting was just so damn good. Some of my favorite moments included the banter between Aerith and Cloud. Like I said, I wasn’t into Aerith that much until I played the remake. She’s just so damn cute and charming. One of my favorite parts was when she said, “Shit” and almost fell, after mentioning how she didn’t need help climbing a ladder. Her voice is so lovely and amusing to listen to. The growing romance between her and Cloud doesn’t come off as forced or cringey, because we now spend so much time with Aerith.

Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie have much more important roles in the story. This gives us a greater sense of Avalanche as a ragtag group.

Entire chapters focus on them, especially Jessie. I cringed a bit at Jessie to be honest, despite her popularity. She now comes off as a copy of Aerith in the sense that she comes on strong to Cloud. But really strong. Like “I want that D right now” strong. Cloud has officially become your usual anime boy who is good at everything that can make any woman magically fall in love with him. So that whole thing made me roll my eyes.

There are some new characters inserted, such as the SOLDIER Roche. I thought they were going to do more with him but, apparently not. The new characters can be a bit “meh”, such as Chadley. Johnny isn’t a new character but may as well be since his role is so expanded. He was probably the most annoying, constantly calling Cloud “bro”. That gave me some bad flashbacks of Prompto’s modern-speak in Final Fantasy XV.

The remake adds a certain new plot element that you’re not sure at first where it’s going until it’s revealed at the very end. The ending can be a bit out there, as the original storyline is changed significantly. SIGNIFICANTLY I was curious if this game would make sense to first-timers, but, probably not when you reach the end. The ending heavily relies on you knowing the original game.

My only complaint about the story was how they started the motorcycle chase cutscene. That was my favorite cutscene of the original game, with Cloud driving down the stairs and the group getting into the car. I liken it to the barrel scene in the original Hobbit novel. But like the Hobbit movie, they made the motorcycle scene pretty outrageous. Like so over-the-top that my initial reaction was to scoff at it. It also struck me as awkward, because there were many moments when the bad guys could have shot them but just. . .stood there watching Cloud kick their asses.

Some people may be upset by how the remake ended, while others find it cool. I thought it was cool. But at the same time, now I want an official “remastered” Final Fantasy VII too. Just a game strictly like the original but with vastly improved graphics.

Music:

The music was pure eargasm. There were many moments when I fanboyed screaming “THIS IS THE SONG! YESSS!” They remixed the songs so well, from the battle theme to the Shinra theme, and the Wall Market theme. Everything you loved about the original soundtrack but MORE gusto, more pomp and circumstance.

A couple complaints though.

1 – I think the focus on making the music more orchestrated takes away the mood of the original music. I missed some of the synth and electronic from the original game because it related well to the technological city of Midgar. The synth and electronic featured in the original game gave off a brooding, darker mood.

2 – I didn’t like what they did with the Crazy Motorcycle music.

Notable Theme:

It’s difficult to find pieces of the original soundtrack as of today, because Square is taking them down from YouTube. Still, some people have managed to keep up some of the coolest tracks from this game. Unfortunately, the videos have gameplay footage, which could be spoilers, technically.

I’ll just leave it as this:

The Jenova battle theme is a much longer piece in this game, but it pays off at the final quarter of the song.

Trust me.

Verdict:

The remake does the original justice. We waited so long for this game and it delivered, unlike Final Fantasy XV.

I don’t think a first-timer would really appreciate it though as much as a fan of the original game would. Sure, there’s nothing stopping you from just going into it without knowing the original game, but there are things that one wouldn’t understand unless you played the original game. In that sense, the word “remake” is a bit misleading. Maybe they’re “rebooting” the entire Compilation of Final Fantasy VII? It seems like they’re going for what they did with the newer Star Trek movies, if you catch my drift. But I can’t say for sure exactly where they’re going with it until the next game comes out, but it seems that way to me.

[aion-rsa]

Best Serial Killer Movies of the ’90s Ranked

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Someone must have left the freezer door in the morgue open, because grisly reminders of the past are thawing before our eyes. You can see it this weekend with the release of John Lee Hancock’s The Little Things, a throwback to the days when movie stars hung out at crime scenes instead of in spandex, and it’ll be more apparent next month with the launch of Clarice, a television spinoff of 1991’s The Silence of the Lambs. All the evidence points to only one conclusion: the serial killer thrillers of the ‘90s are back!

Not that we’re complaining. For a macabre minute or two, every Hollywood name appeared eager to play either the detective or the killer—the hunter or the obsessed, which often proved interchangeable for both characters. Granted that means there can be something formulaic about many of these movies. Yet they can also be bleak, hard-edged, and ambiguous. From our modern gaze, where the dominant studio conventions prefer reassuring morality tales and sunny lighting, these movies’ preference for shadows and discomfort in the mainstream is kind of startling.

So grab your magnifying glass and fortify your stomach, because we’re about to revisit some of the best (and worst) of ‘90s serial killer thrillers. (Also this list is strictly for the decade when the genre was at its height and it excludes slasher movies like Scream, which may feature serial killers but were not exactly adult-oriented thrillers.)

12. Eye of the Beholder (1999)

Eye of the Beholder is a tonal oddity that only passingly flirts with the conventions of ‘90s serial killer thrillers, all while it tries to pay homage to (read: rip-off) Alfred Hitchcock. But any credit it deserves for deviation—including making Ashley Judd’s central femme fatale the killer—it loses in execution. As a muddied, impenetrable tale about an intelligence officer (Ewan McGregor) who spies on and falls in love with a serial killer, Eye of the Beholder is a scattershot of bad ideas that run the gamut from ludicrous to misogynistic.

Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but this movie will close the lids over your pupils inside of 30 minutes.

11. Nightwatch (1997)

It feels a little mean to rag on Ewan McGregor back-to-back, but maybe serial killer movies just aren’t his genre? That could be at least one takeaway from an ill-advised double feature of Eye of the Beholder and Nightwatch, the latter of which is a remake of a 1994 Danish film that I’ve not seen… and probably won’t since both the original film and American remake are directed by the same man.

McGregor plays medical student Martin here, a kid who gets an after school job by becoming the night watch security at the local morgue. But as a series of grisly prostitute murders pile up, Martin realizes he needs to figure out who the killer is—that or continue to be framed by the necrophiliac fiend who keeps coming by the morgue for one last liaison. It’s exactly as skeevy as it sounds. Do yourself a favor and go your whole life without hearing Nick Nolte sing “This Old Man” while climbing onto a corpse.

10. Natural Born Killers (1994)

The movie that Quentin Tarantino disowned, Natural Born Killers is a seedy mess based on a Tarantino script that was heavily rewritten by Oliver Stone, David Veloz, and Richard Rutowski. The concept itself is a seemingly inevitable escalation of the “bad romance outlaws” archetype that’s been floating around Hollywood since at least 1950’s Gun Crazy, and which was then made iconic by Bonnie & Clyde (1967).

But whereas those films relied on bank robbers living fast, Natural Born Killers descends into a seeming final form with Mickey and Mallory (Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis) as giddy serial killers who are eventually out for maximum carnage. Technically the pair are supposed to be presented as victims of traumatic child abuse—and who are then wrongfully glorified by the media. But Stone’s sloppy and tanked vision lacks the discipline to achieve anything beyond its maliciousness. Early sequences imagining Mallory’s abusive childhood like it’s a television sitcom, and later psychedelic visions of Robert Downey Jr.’s opportunistic news reporter as the Devil, do little to divorce the film from its shallow self-satisfaction in close-ups of heads being shot.

The movie came under controversy in the years after its release for inspiring alleged copycat killers as well as school shooters. It feels irresponsible to blame media for actual violence, but it’s still quite an indictment that Stone’s attempt to criticize media glorification became a favorite for many a disturbed individual with a gun.

9. Kiss the Girls (1997)

When studying competent, middle of the road Hollywood thrillers, Kiss the Girls is a solid place to start. As a decently made bit of studio convention, the movie is anchored by strong elements like Morgan Freeman as James Paterson’s literary hero, Alex Cross, and Ashley Judd as Kate, the victim who survives a masked killer’s attempt to abduct her into his harem.

Moments like Kate’s escape sequence through the North Carolina wilderness are effectively filled with adrenaline, and Judd particularly gives the salacious piece conviction. However, it is salacious to a fault. Even if the movie toned down the source novel’s even more lurid misogyny, the film studies Kate and the other victims with a lascivious male gaze, blurring sex with violence, real world horror with leering entertainment. Right down to its title, the film can be rightly criticized as Hollywood glamourizing another story about violence against women. Whether that damns the whole movie depends on the viewer, but it certainly keeps it low on our list.

8. The Bone Collector (1999)

Marketed with a hell of a tagline about there being thousands of taxi cabs in New York City that’ll get you home—and one that won’t—The Bone Collector is almost comically slavish to the clichés of ‘90s moviemaking. The wrinkle here is that after a faux cab driver begins abducting his victims off the street, the crime psychologist who must stop him is entirely stuck by his bedside. Due to a tragic accident, Denzel Washington’s Lincoln Rhyme is paralyzed from the neck down. Yet he is still able to catch serial killers by communicating in the earpiece of police officer Amelia Donaghy (an entirely unconvincing Angelina Jolie).

Read more

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Lost Girls Review: Netflix Takes on the Long Island Serial Killer

By Rosie Fletcher

Books

The Last Book on the Left Takes on the Grim History of Serial Killers

By Alec Bojalad

Together the pair stay one step behind the mystery killer’s tracks as he executes a series of increasingly gruesome and ridiculous murders. It’s preposterous, and in some ways a forerunner for Saw with the satisfaction it takes in absurd death traps, but Washington is effortlessly compelling, even when he never leaves his apartment. As a bit of absurd Hollywood fluff, right down to the ultimately lackluster unmasking of the killer, it can be entertaining, even if you’ll deny it afterward.

7. Copycat (1995)

More potent than I remembered, Copycat is a genuinely well-crafted Hollywood thriller that may not reinvent the wheel but takes it out for a damn good spin. In the driver’s seat is Sigourney Weaver as Dr. Helen Hudson, a criminal psychologist who is an expert on serial killers until one follows her into the bathroom after a guest lecture. He nearly hangs her from the ceiling. Following that white-knuckled opening, the film jumps years ahead and Helen has become agoraphobic and afraid to leave her home.

Yet when a local series of murders reveal the pattern of a predator imitating the methods of his favorite “celebrities”—one crime scene is like the Boston Strangler and another emulates the horrors of Jeffrey Dahmer—Helen is pulled out of retirement by a no-nonsense detective (Holly Hunter). The winning chemistry between Weaver and Hunter—who are refreshingly free from the studio-mandated romantic subplots in some of the other movies on this list—and the blunt force power of their performances aid this sincerely disquieting flick. A needlessly convoluted third act aside, the movie still works as a warning about the danger of fanboys a generation early.

6. Fallen (1998)

Denzel Washington appears again thanks to this clever supernatural spin on the serial killer genre. At the beginning of Fallen, Washington’s John Hobbes appears on top of the world. The serial killer he chased for years (Elias Koteas) is about to breathe deeply in the gas chamber. Yet after the lever is pulled, and with Koteas singing the Rolling Stones’ “Time is On My Side” until his last breath, a funny thing happens: the murders continue.

In fact, more than just the killings, strangers in the street sing “Time is On My Side” in Hobbes’ ear, and he soon realizes that he faces a devil of a killer whose been operating since the beginning—quite literally since the villain is a demon who was once an angel that fell with Lucifer. It’s a bizarre premise given strutting confidence thanks to Washington’s performance, as well as good supporting work by John Goodman and Donald Sutherland. Twenty years later and its ending still sticks with me.

5. The Exorcist III (1990)

If you haven’t seen The Exorcist III, we know what you’re thinking: “Really?!” Yes. In fact, this isn’t even an exorcist movie; it should’ve been titled Legion like the 1983 novel it’s based on. Alas writer-director William Peter Blatty was forced to use the title and do reshoots that added an exorcism in the climax. Still, this supernatural thriller which involves a serial killer back from the dead is far better than it has any right to be.

Following the character of Lt. Kinderman from the 1973 masterpiece, the middle-aged gumshoe is now played by George C. Scott instead of the late Lee J. Cobb, and he possesses Scott’s usual love for contrasts between the restrained whisper and a bombastic howl. He also makes a sympathetic, secular detective forced to face the horrors of Hell when a series of murders committed against Catholic priests appear to be the work of the Gemini Killer (Brad Dourif), a serial killer whom Kinderman sent to the chair more than 10 years ago.

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Movies

The Exorcist III is a Classic and Better Than You Remember

By Jim Knipfel

Movies

The Exorcist Is Still the Scariest Movie Ever Made

By David Crow

Somehow the fiend—plus Kinderman’s long dead pal Father Damien Karras (Jason Miller)—appear to now be living in the same body of a John Doe kept in a mental asylum. With an unrelenting atmosphere of dread, palpable tension, and more of Blatty’s intellectual struggle with concepts of faith and evil, the film is more high-minded than its hacky title suggests. It also features one of the best jump scares in movie history.

4. Summer of Sam (1999)

The only movie on this list directly based on an actual serial killer’s crimes, Spike Lee’s Summer of Sam is a serious-minded joint. However, it’s only partially about the murders perpetrated by David Berkowitz, aka the “.44 Caliber Killer,” aka the Son of Sam. Rather the film focuses on the effects a serial killer has on the culture of New York City during the sweltering summer of 1977, and how it affects young lives trying to make it in the big city.

Influenced by Lee and his co-writers Michael Imperioli and Victor Colicchio’s memories of growing up in 1970s New York, the pic is a love letter to a grim moment in history when the city was about to explode with murders, blackouts, crime, and disco. All of this is digested from the vantages of Vinny (John Leguizamo), a philandering hairdresser guilt-ridden for cheating on his wife (Mira Sorvino), and his childhood pal Ritchie (Adrien Brody), who’s left the old neighborhood behind to join the fledgling punk rock scene.

With a greater interest in how a serial killer affects the culture and institutions of a city on edge than being a traditional crime drama, Summer of Sam is a bit of a forerunner to David Fincher’s far more polished Zodiac from a few years later. With heavy-handed dialogue and a plot too big for Lee to fully get his arms around, even at 142 minutes, Summer of Sam can be uneven and messy. But it has the sweaty incorrigibility of a long night out, and of revelries half remembered like from a fever dream.

3. The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999)

The rare serial killer movie told entirely from the perspective of the killer, Anthony Minghella’s The Talented Mr. Ripley is disarmingly creepy. Despite its glossy awards bait sheen, there is a cold-blooded streak that runs deep to the heart of the piece, likely due to Patricia Highsmith’s source 1955 novel. Starring Matt Damon fresh off his Good Will Hunting golden boy sheen, the film uses its casting to disorient and ultimately disturb.

Like Highsmith’s book, the film is not structured like a traditional thriller. It instead favors a detached ambivalence about its seemingly nebbish hero as he agrees to become an errand boy for the rich by traveling to 1950s Italy in order to retrieve a silver spoon cad (Jude Law) for his father. But the more time Tom Ripley (Damon) spends with Law’s Dickie Greenleaf, the more he grows envious of Dickie’s lifestyle, his wealth and confidence, and maybe even his affection for socialite Marge (Gwyneth Paltrow). There is a subtle—too subtle due to ‘90s Hollywood conventions—homoerotic undercurrent throughout the film as Ripley slowly works up the courage to take his first life. It won’t be his last.

Read more

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Knives Out: When Murder Makes You a Better Person

By Natalie Zutter

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Seven: The Brilliance of David Fincher’s Chase Scene

By Ryan Lambie

Highsmith wound up publishing four subsequent sequels to The Talented Mr. Ripley, but unfortunately no more were made with Damon. Perhaps because this was too unsettling for an ongoing franchise.

2. Seven (1995)

While watching David Fincher’s masterful Seven, the thing that immediately stands out is the oppressive nihilism that permeates throughout. There were decades of neo noir before this detective yarn about the hunt for a serial killer, but none demonstrated such an overbearing sense of despair before the opening credits were even concluded. And perhaps what makes it unshakable is how welcoming the film is toward bleakness; it succumbs long before the gut-punch finale.

Telling the story of an old cop days from retirement (Morgan Freeman) and a hotheaded rookie detective (Brad Pitt), Andrew Kevin Walker’s script has an economy of pace that still impresses despite its cynicism. Very quickly one murder becomes two, then three, and soon four. Yet none of the atrocities are reveled in by Fincher’s blocking; they’re off-screen mutilations which leave psychic damage on his two leads and, eventually, us. The deaths also quickly establish a pattern that their serial killer is targeting seven souls, each intended to embody one of the seven deadly sins.

The movie is a classic now for its climax where the killer “John Doe” (a reptilian Kevin Spacey) turns himself in and leads the cops into the darkest pit, but it’s the entire package that makes this one linger more than 25 years later. At the end of the film, Somerset quotes Hemingway by saying, “‘The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.’ I agree with the second part.” I’m not convinced his film does.

1. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

As the film that kick-started the idea that serial killers could create their own film genre, The Silence of the Lambs still remains the best of its kind. Blessedly unaware that it was creating conventions for countless copycats, the film tells its psychological drama with simplicity and clarity. Whereas other films on this list bask in their bleakness, there is a dogged optimism and even perverse warmth to this Jonathan Demme adaptation of Thomas Harris’ Silence of the Lambs novel. And that’s of course largely attributable to the casting of Anthony Hopkins and Jodie Foster.

As Dr. Hannibal Lecter, Hopkins is of course monumental. It’s a performance that turned a quinquagenarian into an overnight movie star, and became Hopkins’ calling card as he returned to the not-so-good doctor’s well one too many times. Still, he’s undeniably enthralling as Hannibal, a cannibal psychologist with superhuman powers of observation and mental menace. Even so, Foster is often overlooked by critics for her own contributions as the FBI trainee who’s proverbially fed to the incarcerated Lecter—a pretty face to get the serial killer to consult pro bono on the crimes of another mass murderer. It’s just one more example of casual sexism faced by Clarice that gives Foster as much to play as Hopkins.

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Culture

David Fincher’s Zodiac: The Movie That Never Ended

By Don Kaye

Movies

The Little Things Ending Explained

By David Crow

Surrounded by the slights and prejudices of men—be they in law enforcement or straight jackets—Clarice is constantly underestimated. She finds an intellectual rapport with Hannibal, but she pulls herself out of the darkest night, and the screaming of the lambs, without assistance. Her perseverance matched by Hannibal’s darkly seductive qualities is the juxtaposition that makes Silence of the Lambs one of the finest films of its decade.

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