#feeling so many emotions over these fictional old men <3

[prahacat]

Hi, I really hope you don't mind me asking a few of the questions from the fan fiction writers ask because I'm curious. Of course it's totally fine if you don't want to answer.

✨What's a fic you've posted you wish you could breathe life into again and have people talking about it? (or simply a fic you wish got more credit)

💝what is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

🍭why did you start writing?

And my own... Do you write in your first or second language and how does this affect your writing process?

Hey! I LOVE talking about writing and (fan) fiction so thank you so much for giving me an excuse to do so! <3

✨ A fic I wish got more credit: "The Red Night" (it's on both tumblr and ao3) Yes yes, I know. It's poetry, it's very short, it's kinda weird(?) but also kinda generic. Basically the kind of stuff where, as a writer, you're lucky if people click on it at all (and I'm beyond happy some people did and even liked it enough to leave kudos/likes or reblog <3). But I spent several days on those ~500 words, I love how it turned out, it's like my favorite child, it's so ME ... and sometimes I can't help but wish it would get the same love as my other fics.

💝 A fic that got a different response than I was expecting: All of them, in some way, but especially "Three Days of Thawing". It was the first fanfic I uploaded to ao3 after years of writing original fic only: a little oneshot I wrote as a part of a bigger project and ended up posting just for the hell of it. I honestly didn't expect to get a response at all. A fic where nothing happens, it's just 15k of two old jaded men bickering and drinking tea? Little plot, hardly any romance? they don't even kiss. Who'd want to read that?

🍭 Why I started writing: Writing in general: Because of my love for words. My family had a lot of books, so I grew up with stories. As a kid, reading was like eating to me. Sometimes, when I was starved for words and there was no book around, I'd read the tv manual, a cookbook, the labels on my cereal box. Whenever I was bored, I'd dig through my parents' bookshelves until I found something that sounded interesting. Naturally, since it wasn't geared toward children, a lot of it went right over my head. For example, I remember reading this passage from Bronte's Jane Eyre:

‘As we are!’ repeated Mr. Rochester—‘so,’ he added, enclosing me in his arms. Gathering me to his breast, pressing his lips on my lips: ‘so, Jane!’

… and it had me so confused. I didn't get it. "Pressing his lips on my lips? Okay, so like kissing? Why doesn't the author simply write kissing then? That's such a strange, roundabout way of phrasing it!" Yes, I was very young. But moments like that made me think about the different ways to use language for the first time. I feel like writing stories is all about expressing simple truths in a bit of a strange, roundabout way.

Writing fan fiction: I started writing fanfic (again) because I was stuck with my original story. So I wrote a short story about my current obsession, Star Wars. And then another one. And another. I love the disaster lineage, and I love writing for the PT because so many of my favorite themes can be accommodated in the stories. A lot of it is about family, about the more quiet, intimate struggles that happen inside of us, but there's also something so inherently "Greek tragedy" about the characters that makes their destruction feel intense and almost inevitable.

First and second language and how it affects my writing process: I write in both my first and second language. English is my second language. I don't think my writing process differs much in either language. My English is okay, I guess ... I keep looking up comma rules and prepositions when editing.

There are a few instances, especially when writing emotional, introspective scenes, where the idea of what I want to say evokes a strong, very specific feeling, but it remains abstract, almost like music or a blur of colors. Or like a train of vague thoughts, but they keep moving and flashing and I can't grasp them. And in such cases, I sometimes resort to my native language to "search" for imagery or tangible concepts that can be expressed with language. It's not like I have difficulty expressing my ideas in English, it's more that the process of pulling them from some unconscious, wordless depths into the realm of consciousness and language comes easier to me in my native tongue. I guess it's more of a creativity technique?

For example, I remember using this technique on this little paragraph from "Three Days of Thawing" (the fic where Dooku is stuck in his Redemption Arc, oscillating between self-loathing and the need for acceptance/forgiveness):

Maybe Dooku wasn’t happy, how could he ever again, but he had learned to put some distance between himself and the hated shadow inside him, the way most people no longer think about the bacteria living in their mouths or the mass of dead skin cells on their bodies, all a gross but inevitable part of the self. Him: the man he hated, and the man who hates, and the man who tries to forgive them both, and the dizzying distance in between. Sometimes, when he sits by the lake and stares at his reflection trapped inside the ice, he can delude himself into believing he might become whole again.

I felt the part about the split self very strongly, but it wasn't until I thought about it in my native language that the words to express this feeling came to me.

There are quite a few scientific studies about how emotions are accessed and processed differently in your native language and in your second language. I know I'm definitely a bit more detached from my emotions when I'm speaking/thinking in English. In contrast, my "English brain" is more rational and analytic, which is great for "killing your darlings" and avoiding sappy, melodramatic dialogue (something I love to write, but it often doesn't feel right for my fav characters like Dooku or Obi-Wan).

Gah, I could really talk about this topic for hours! It's so fascinating to me, and I'd be very interested in hearing the experiences of other bilingual writers!

Thank you again for the questions, this was a lot of fun!

[brasideios]

Thank you for the tag @aeide Great idea 🤍

Rules: 10 (non-ancient) books for people to get to know you better, or that you just really like.

So these are my current faves from the last century or so and limited to fiction. I left out the 19th C stuff - just know that I’m an English Literature nerd, and if it was written by the Bronte sisters, George Eliot or Jane Austen, I have read it at least ten times.

1. The Subterraneans by Jack Kerouac.

I have read all of his books, and I love Dharma Bums also, but the Subterraneans speaks to the theme that will always draw me in - hopeless love. The way Kerouac writes, the deep introspection and pawing over of his thoughts is really relatable to me, and the way he is always the destroyer of his own happiness… not to ignore that this book has issues (it’s deeply of it’s time, 1950’s US) but when it comes to emotional impact, I can’t think of a better example.

2. An Imaginary Life by David Malouf.

Malouf is a contemporary Australian author who often writes in a poetic way, and An Imaginary Life is perhaps his most poetical. Its the story of Ovid’s exile to the Black Sea. There are passages in this book about home, loss and memory that will never leave me. I like all of his work though, almost without exception.

3. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S Thompson

I have probably read this book fifty times. It’s funny and messed up and wild - and there isn’t another book like it. I read this when I just want to laugh and don’t want to engage my brain too much.

4. Catch 22 by Joseph Heller

Like Fear and Loathing, I’ve read this book many many times. It’s wonderful though sad. The way it’s structured, so that you seem to circle around and around the story, as the story grows darker and darker… it’s truly an amazing piece of work. The movie absolutely failed to capture it.

5. The Secret River by Kate Grenville.

Another contemporary Australian author, the Secret River is historical fiction based on the white settlement of New South Wales in the early 19th Century. It is beautifully written and tackles the ugly side of colonialism head on. There are scenes in this book that made me sob. She also wrote the Lieutenant which addresses some of the same issues and it’s also very good.

6. The True History of the Kelly Gang by Peter Carey.

Another contemporary Australian author (though he lives in the US now) - as the title suggests, this is a book about Ned Kelly, the famous bushranger. It’s written in Ned Kelly’s voice, and it’s done so, so well. I can’t think of another work that is so bold in its use of voice.

7. All the Pretty Horses by Cormac McCarthy

I honestly struggled to decide which of his books to choose because I love his work for the way he puts words together, and he does it so incredibly well in everything he writes; however, All the Pretty Horses was the first of his I read, and it made me read all the others, so it seemed the right one to choose. No Country for Old Men and Suttree are other favourites of his.

8. Imperium by Robert Harris

The first in a trilogy - they’re all brilliant - retelling the life of Cicero. I love the way Harris writes - very clean, very light. I would give a leg to be half so good at writing to be honest.

9. The Gates of Athens by Conn Iggulden.

This follows the life of Xanthippus - Pericles’ father - during the 480s BCE. As with Harris, Iggulden’s writing is absolutely a benchmark for me. This is the first in a series and I haven’t checked in a while if the next one has been published. Note to self. He also wrote the Falcon of Sparta which was great, too.

10. The Song of Achilles by Madeline Millar.

I know there are issues with this retelling, and honestly I don’t care. The way it’s written is everything. The word craft is so beautiful; the feeling that permeates the whole story of impending doom; how every happy moment is in fact sad. It’s gorgeous. Its poetic. It speaks to that hopeless love trope I mentioned earlier. I also loved her Circe for the same reasons.

Tagging @sleeplessincarcosa @softest-punk @erzsebetrosztoczy @myriath @woodsman2b @mimbotomy @auroralykos @haythamk @theinkandthesea I want to read more from around the world so pls gimme all the recs ☺️ or ignore me - no pressure!

[bad-at-names-and-faces]

I posted 1,939 times in 2022

That's 719 more posts than 2021!

175 posts created (9%)

1,764 posts reblogged (91%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@annaofthenorthernlights

@snowfall-in-summer

@late-to-the-fandom

@annas-hair-donut

I tagged 345 of my posts in 2022

#100 word drabble - 76 posts

#frozen fanfic - 49 posts

#kristanna - 46 posts

#kristanna halloween days - 33 posts

#kristanna days - 33 posts

#modern au - 33 posts

#ffc 2022 - 32 posts

#fictober22 - 31 posts

#original fiction - 31 posts

#prince of two realms - 17 posts

Longest Tag: 126 characters

#totally not me suddenly thinking of starting a colonial delware frozen au now that my mind is thinking of finnish backwoodsmen

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Spellbound

@kristanna-days

Witches and Wizards

Anna and Kristoff had been invited over to the simple cabin of Mrs. Bakke, the last resident of the parish of St. Sunniva in the mountains above Arendelle. It was a lovely fall day, and even the old graveyard looked cheerful on a day like this. 

The woman walked straight to the fireplace and put on a kettle of water.

“Would you like some tea?” she asked them.

“Yes, please,” Anna replied. “Thank you.”

“And you?” the woman asked Kristoff.

“Sure,” he replied. 

In the dark, she looked like some witch or wizard over a smoking cauldron. 

“Here you go.”

12 notes - Posted October 20, 2022

#4

My OCs: Inga

[picrew image of Inga (by me)]

Basics: Inga is the oldest daughter of Anna and Kristoff, born the summer after the events of Frozen II.  She gives her tutors a run for their money, and mostly tolerates the public nature of royal life, but she prefers to spend time with close friends and family. 

Official name: Princess Anna Iduna Ingeborg of Arendelle

Birthday: August 18th, 1847

Inga interview

Inga’s first appearance in my writing: Chapter 4 of The Young Diplomat: The Family Portrait

Other chapters where she features:  Ch.5: The State Dinner ; Ch. 6: In the Royal Bedroom ; Ch. 11: A Visitor ; Ch. 14: Engagements and Familiarities ; Ch. 15 Name Day ; Ch. 16 Interlude ; (after this, she features in almost all of the chapters)

Shorter works featuring Inga in the same timeline as The Young Diplomat/Prince of Two Realms: Twenty Questions ; Domestic Fluff ; Map ; The Hanging Gardens ; also, many other drabbles.

Also, Inga features in my canon divergence drabble collection: What If

More pictures:

See the full post

13 notes - Posted May 27, 2022

#3

The Cave

The long-awaited sequel to Midsummer...

Kristoff took a deep breath.  The men of the family were helping him get ready–well, they weren’t family by blood, but that didn’t matter. He had grown up here, and watched others go through this ceremony, and now it was his turn. It was his wedding day.   

Somehow, Anna had agreed to this.  He had explained to her in detail what would go on, and as insane as his family’s traditions were, she had agreed. He had heard people use words like “cult” or “commune” when he told them how he grew up, but she had been merely curious, not judgmental. That meant a lot.  He often felt bad that she didn’t have much family, but her sister, Elsa, would be coming.

“She’s here!” one of his cousins whispered through the door.  

“Are you ready, Kristoff?” Cliff asked him. 

“Ready,” Kristoff affirmed. 

He had seen this countless times growing up: they put the white linen over his head, tying it with a blindfold over his eyes.  He would see Anna again once they were married.

He stood there under the midsummer sun listening to the familiar incantations and exhortations about the meaning of marriage, which all took a deeper meaning now.  He was glad they hadn’t invited any of their friends to this, because he was pretty sure he would be an emotional wreck at the end of this once the blindfolds came off and they were really married.

He heard the final words of the ceremony, and someone linked their hands. He didn’t remember Anna’s hands feeling so cold before, but she was probably nervous.

The blindfolds came off. 

“Elsa?” he gulped.

“I said I’d be here!” she said cheerfully.

“Where’s Anna?” he whispered, realizing that his family was already coming over to congratulate them.

Elsa didn’t seem to immediately grasp what had happened.  Bulda came over to congratulate her.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you, Anna!” she gushed.

“I’m not Anna,” Elsa told her.

“You’re not Anna?” Bulda repeated, looking confused.  “Would you prefer we called you another name?”

“Elsa, I’m Elsa. Anna is my sister.”

“Ah, I’ll go let everyone know that we should call you Elsa.” Bulda cheerily went off to inform the rest of the family.

Elsa was looking over at the road to the farm. Kristoff realized it was Anna’s car that they were watching approach.  

Elsa looked at Kristoff.  He stood, staring. Anna cheerfully stepped out of her car.

“Elsa! Kristoff! Oh! I hope I haven’t kept you waiting too long!”

“Anna, there’s…” Elsa began, obviously not sure what had happened.

“Kristoff,” Anna said as her sister trailed off, “I thought you said I wouldn’t be able to see you until the ceremony was over.”

“So, um, Anna,” Kristoff began, “it’s a funny thing…”

 “Well, if everyone is just waiting around,” Anna said, “maybe I should just go introduce myself and then get changed.”

“Anna,” Elsa grabbed her sister’s arm, “I’m so sorry, I have no idea how it happened, but the women thought I was you, and they dressed me up in this, and blindfolded me, and I’m not quite sure-”

“Technically, Elsa and I are married now,” Kristoff explained.

“Wait, what?” Anna exclaimed.

See the full post

16 notes - Posted May 15, 2022

#2

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favourite opening line. Tag some people to play the next round!

Thanks to @inkandmoonbeams for the tag!

(1) Eugene Fitzherbert had certainly seen quite a lot in his life, but he was fairly certain this was the first time he was being inspected by rock trolls.

(2) The men left, and the boy and his little reindeer couldn’t keep up.

(3) The band was playing some old English carol, and Kristoff stood in the corner of the ballroom. 

(4) Mrs. Allen looked at her daily schedule and sighed.

(5) “Here you go,” the man said as he put a pint down on the table. 

(6) Elsa sat at her desk sipping at her ice tea, staring out the window.  

(7) Frederick and Meibel stood at the dock, waiting for the last possible minute for Frederick to get on board.

(8) Hey, Olaf, are you busy?

(9) Tom pulled the car up to the roadside inn.

(10) It was a warm summer day, and everyone in Arendelle had gathered for a fair.

(11) Princess Anna of Arendelle sat in the library at the castle with Rapunzel, looking at the map spread out on the desk, smiling curiously.

(12) Kristoff sat on the couch, flipping through the channels.

(13) It was a hot afternoon.

(14) Inga stood on the balcony at the palace, looking down at the capital city of the Kingdom of Corona.

(15) The candles were lit.

(16) It was a warm summer evening, and the carnival was in town, and nearly all the servants had been given the evening off to attend, since the family was away.

(17) “Emma, are you well?” Mr. Knightley asked, putting his hand on her shoulder.

(18) “It’s so quiet,” Anna whispered. 

(19) “Kristoff, what are you doing?” Anna asked as she stepped into the bathroom.

(20) “The Crown Princess Rapunzel of Corona,” the royal steward announced as he opened the door to the Queen’s study.

Given how many of these I wrote in February ( did one of these in early February, and there’s no overlap), I find it amusing how many of the opening lines reference warm or hot weather.  As far as a favorite line, I don’t know.  

Tags: @dreaminghour @mrs-steve-harrington @pterawaters @alondradina @mrpinniped @ghoste-catte @only-here-for-the-star-wars @snowfall-in-summer @fericita-s @justfrozenthings

19 notes - Posted April 3, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Midsummer

Day four of the February Ficlet Challenge... Elsa and Kristoff... 

Elsa drove further along the highway, into the unknown.  She didn’t quite trust the GPS to get the right address, but there hadn’t been any cross streets for miles, so she couldn’t have taken a wrong turn.  She was singing to herself, since the only radio stations out this far were not exactly to her taste in music.  She wasn’t much for public performances, but singing in the car by herself was a little secret indulgence. 

Rolling farm fields began giving way to hilly woods. She glanced down at her phone.  There was no service whatsoever out here. Probably the hills took care of that.  Elsa didn't mind this drive. She liked Anna’s boyfriend--well, now he was her fiance, and by tonight they would be married.  Kristoff had said he was from nowhere in particular, but Elsa hadn’t realized that he was really from this far out in the middle of nowhere.  He was nice, though, and since Anna had first brought him home, she had trusted him. He had become a good friend, so even though this wedding was a bit sudden, she had given her blessing and jumped at Anna’s request to be her bridesmaid. 

“I just wish she would have agreed to ride with me,” Elsa caught herself saying out loud. She sighed. Anna would be there, but she insisted on driving herself so that she could pick up a few last minute items, and she wanted to make sure that someone got there on time so that Kristoff wouldn’t worry.

“In five hundred feet, turn left,” the GPS voice suddenly announced.

Elsa blinked and shook her head. She had zoned out. Lifting her foot off the gas pedal to make sure she had time to turn, she put on the signal despite the complete lack of other cars for miles in either direction. There was a dirt road to the left, but still no houses in sight.

The road was bumpy and rutted, curving this way and that, slowly winding up the hill. The woods began giving way to rocky clearings. Around a rock outcropping, she saw a group of irregular houses, and what she could only guess was a tent for the wedding. 

“You have arrived,” the GPS informed her.

“That’s obvious enough,” she muttered at the electronic voice coming from her phone.

She slowed down, the rattle of the gravel quieting down as she pulled to the side of the road at the first house to the right. 

Any other cars must be parked elsewhere.  She stepped out of the car, and grabbed the dress hanging in the back seat.  She needed to find where she could change clothes.  Why couldn’t they have planned to at least have an overnight before the ceremony? Anna said she’d never been to this place, either, but Kristoff insisted that they weren’t allowed to be there until right until the ceremony.

***

“Who even does that?” Elsa asked.

“Sorry,” Kristoff apologized, “it’s how my family does things.”

“Where are they from, anyway?”

“Mostly nearby,” Kristoff shrugged. “It’s… kind of their own thing.  I guess it’s kind of new.  I mean, it’s not new, don’t tell them I said it was new, please…”

“Wait, is this like-”

“It’s a kind of a commune, okay? I promise they don’t do anything too out there.  I know there’s that Norwegian movie-”

“I saw it, but it’s Swedish, not Norwegian,” Elsa corrected, immediately realizing she was missing the point.

Kristoff groaned. “Right…  People keep talking about that movie when I tell them about where I grew up. I swear it’s nothing like that.  I’ve told Anna about what’s going to happen at the wedding, so just… play along?”

***

Elsa stood by her car holding the dress in its plastic cover, looking around. Thankfully it wasn’t raining this week. The place would get entirely too muddy. She could see why Kristoff had brought up that movie.  Kristoff didn’t give her bad vibes, unlike- she wouldn’t think about Anna’s ex. She never liked him.  

Elsa walked toward the closest house.  “Hello?” 

She heard some commotion, and some women came out of the house.  

“She’s here!” several said. 

Elsa smiled nervously. “Is this where I can change?”

“Don’t worry about that,” one woman said, taking the dress from her. 

“You can change into that later after the ceremony,” a younger woman assured her.

Kristoff had said to go with it.  This was for Anna. 

See the full post

22 notes - Posted February 5, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[arpov-blog-blog]

..."Well, my friends, it’s been a very interesting few days. After 5 weeks of my daily insistence that we, the majority, are going to have a Blue Tsunami on Tuesday, I am now (especially after being on TV last night) hearing from Democratic Party insiders who want to tell me (confidentially) that my belief in our victory is not unfounded and is now looking more and more, well, likely. 

A couple of these Dem apparatchiks of course had their own reasons to share this good news with me. One asked if I could stop saying we’re gonna win. “We’re worried if people think we’ve pulled ahead,” one said to me, “there’s a chance they'll say ‘oh good, I don’t need to vote!’”

“That’s old thinking,” I texted back. “The public is already setting new early-voting records. People — our people — are on fire! Women are fed up and in the middle of a not-so-quiet rampage. They’re gleefully looking forward to extracting the men from Congress who support the medieval practice of forced procreation.”

“True,” he texted back. “Pollsters show abortion as #3 on the list of concerns, but that doesn’t account for the intensity and yes it’s huge. The anger over Roe decision is huge.”

I added: “And the anger from young voters is also huge. They know we’ve left them with a dying planet. Their only hope for survival is to toss every last one of the planet killers overboard.“

“Agreed. They’ll also be there in record numbers on Tuesday.”

Another Dem Party person contacted me to thank me for the “brave and correct” stance of believing in the “possibility of the Democratic victory.” She also said I was probably hurting their fundraising. 

“You mean,” I replied, “all those scary emails you guys keep sending out saying we need to ‘DONATE $17 BY MIDNIGHT TONIGHT OR WE’RE GOING TO LOSE!!’” 

“Yes,” she said. “We need the money. And yes, the more scared people are, the more they’ll give. Your blog is making many of them feel less scared and more hopeful. Not good Mike.”

“Hope,” I offered, “in a time like this, is not a bad thing. Especially if it is based on facts and not simply emotion. Why not have the DNC send out a mass email this weekend telling everyone that their hard work is paying off! Tell them what you just told me — that your internal research is showing Fetterman is going to win Pennsylvania by at least 6 points! Grassley in Iowa is probably going to lose. That New Hampshire was never really in play!”

“Don’t share those stats I gave you,“ she admonished me.

“Sure,” I laughed. “That’s why you gave them to me. Of all people. So I wouldn’t share them with a few million others. Do you also wanna tell me that Val Demings is going to beat Marco Rubio?”

“No.”

One other takeaway from these conversations was their belief that, in post-pandemic America, polling is a “broken science.”

“Don’t dignify polls by referring to them as a science,” I said. “It’s the fraud of propaganda, trying to invent a factual basis for what is a work of fiction.” 

“You’re essentially right,” one admitted to me. “Before the vote in Kansas [this summer to keep legal abortion in their state Constitution], FiveThirtyEight wrote that the anti-abortion crowd was going to win by four points. They lost by 18 points! Polls are bullshit.”

They pointed out to me that these days a lot of “polls” are actually funded by corporate lobbying groups and others with Republican backing. Often when you hear about the latest “poll,” it’s often an aggregate of many polls and the Republican and business interests do their best to include their biased polls in the soup so that the percentage for their desired candidate rises to the top. "

[dangermousie]

Hello !

I was wondering whether you could rate and tell us of your top 5 favourite webnovels/cnovels of all time ?! (Sorry if this has already been answered lol😅)

Thank you, stay safe and have a nice day🖤

Awww, thank you and that is such a lovely ask!!!

From n1 to n5, here they are (they happen to be all danmei.)

1. The Husky and His White Cat Shizun (2ha) - my n1 forever and ever.

Taxian Jun, the horrific cultivation emperor of the world who razed cities and destroyed sects, is surrounded on his mountain. The righteous sects are terrified to confront him but tired of living, Taxian Jun consumes poison and dies by suicide at the age of 32. And opens his eyes as 16 year old Mo Ran, Mo Ran long before he became Taxian Jun, Mo Ran who is excited at a chance to save the one person he loved and lost. Oh, and to deal with his loathed shizun, the unapproachable and strict Chu Wanning, his past life’s biggest enemy.

I have no idea if it’s objectively the best on this list but it hits every trope I love, its bleak worldview (the world will change only incrementally but that’s enough, average person will not appreciate the sacrifice but it’s still worthwhile, and love is worth everything) mirrors mine, and the sheer complexity of the plot and cascade of plot twists each of which is insane and yet completely logical, is amazing (this is a rare novel where it’s even more fun to reread than read for the first time because you keep seeing all the hints and trail crumbs laid out that you did not see the first time.)

And the characters!!! I mean, this novel has multiple universes/timelines, a side trip to the Underworld AND the demon realm, a plot more twisted than a store’s worth of pretzels and yet the thing that hits me the most are the characters. Mo Ran is my favorite web novel character of all time and I love Chu Wanning so. All the secondary characters are wonderfully written (and some of them made me bawl) and they are all complex. My opinion of all of them changed many times over; the novel doesn’t make it easy to love some of them but then you do and it’s so worthwhile! That slow change is one of the delights of the novel - I started out disliking the unpleasant, superior Chu Wanning and cruel, callow Mo Ran and then I loved them so so hard and cried for them so so hard and was in awe of their heroism and sacrifice and selflessness and capacity to love.

Oh, and the fact that this novel does something almost impossible - it has its protagonist start out as so clearly irredeemable and then slowly and painfully and thoroughly redeems him (without ever letting the reader forget what it is he needs redemption for.)

Also, for a novel that made me cry so hard I felt ill, this book is just so damn funny with the most sarcastic sense of humor imaginable (the serious angst doesn’t even kick in until 90+ chapters!)

Anyway I should stop or I will write a dissertation. But this is the one web novel that I would put in my top 5 not just web novels but any novels in any shape or form. The plentiful trigger warnings are there for a reason so stay away if they are an issue, but if not, if anyone hasn’t read it yet, what are you doing with your life?!

2. Stains of Filth (Yuwu) - another novel by the author of 2ha. Clearly she just pushes all my buttons every time. This one is much shorter and has a plot that is twisty but less twisty than 2ha. Still, all that means is that intensity and the pain are more concentrated.

Aristocratic Mo Xi and former slave Gu Mang were both legendary generals of the empire and lovers. But Gu Mang betrayed the country and switched to the enemy. Now he is back as a peace offering by that country and Mo Xi has to deal with the fact that his feelings are as strong as ever.

This novel!!! So much pain and intensity!!! So many amazing plot twists and supporting characters. The same bleak world view, the same unjust society, the same protagonists doing right things despite the cost. Mo Xi’s intensity and inability to let go (he’s imprinted on Gu Mang and that’s it) is romantic, bone-shakingly intense, and tragic all at once. And oh Gu Mang! So many times I just wanted to reach into the book physically to protect him. The novel deals with unjust societies, memory versus personality, what it’s like to be good in a bad universe etc. And it both made me sob and giggle, repeatedly, and sold me on literally death-defying (but not honor-defying!) love.

Oh, and special shout out to the fact that like 2ha, you may start out hating some characters and end up a rabid fangirl (cough Murong Lian!)

3. Qiang Jin Jiu - a dense political tome that takes a while to get going but then it’s a runaway train.

In a fictional dynasty, Shen Zechuan, the only remaining son of a disgraced aristocratic family and Xiao Chiye, the younger son of a family of generals guarding the border join forces (and then something else) to get power and pull down the dysfunctional system.

This is so elegant and smart (a rare web novel I’d recommend to anyone who just loves solid period fiction) and you probably need a notebook to keep track of the politics and military strategy. These characters are very very smart not just because the author says so.

As to the characters, there is a large cast and I love many of them, but for me the novel is made by Shen Zechuan and Xiao Chiye. SZC is gorgeous and delicate and icy and can kill you before you have time to blink. Saddled with the sins of the family he had no pleasant interaction with, he claws his way out of hell (seeing the sinkhole he was trapped in, literally as well) to take down those who wronged him but also to amass power so all the tragedy and corruption won’t happen again and the whole rotten system comes crashing down. XCY is a military genius who is trapped as a hostage in the capital because the court doesn’t trust his family. He longs to return to the plains of home and to take his rightful place. The two men start out as bitter enemies, then reluctant and sniping allies, then as friends and eventually as one of the most gorgeous, tender, swoony OTPs.

Anyway this is one is a bona fide masterpiece, equal parts smart and emotionally intense.

4. Wu Chang Jie - are you an emotional vampire? I am and this novel is a banquet.

In a highly fantastical setting, we meet our protagonists - the sunny Xie Bian and the intense and surly Fan Wushe. Xie Bian is a human who assists his master in conveying souls to the underworld and making sure no mishaps happen. Bian is concentrated sunshine in human form and to meet him is to love him. When the novel opens, his drunk master brings back another human to be his shidi and assist with duties - said human is uncommunicative, intense and surly Wushe. Bian is excited to have a shidi but little does he know that a story dealing with the horrors of past lifetime is about to start.

Anyway, why WCJ? So many reasons. It has such a dark bleak worldview - this world is a horrifying system where powerful cannibalize each other’s cores for an impossible chance to ascend, where gods have sealed off their realm and all that’s left is neverending human misery and hell (the only way you’d see a deity is if they’d been sent down to suffer over and over and over), where even reincarnation doesn’t fix things and bad acts are often unpunished. And the novel then asks - is it worth being a good person in such a world? More, is it worth being a good person in such a world when nothing good has ever happened to you and you have been repeatedly betrayed due to your goodness? And the answer, on Bian’s part, is an uncompromising yes.

Ah yes, the other reason to love this novel - the protagonists and their fucked up fucked up relationship. Bian (who was Prince Ziheng in the past life) is so genuinely good. But he is that rare thing - good but not saintly, noble but not cloying. So much of the novel is his getting taken apart over and over and barely able to put himself back together every time but his soul is still as amazing as ever.

And then there is Wushe (who was Prince Zixiao in past life, Ziheng’s not-bio-related brother.) Wushe is not a good person. He is a monster. And he loves Bian/Ziheng more than his life and his soul and the entire world but he’s also the one who hurt him more than anyone else ever could and did it over and over. His love survived a literal century of torture in the worst kind of hell and refused the usual memory loss of new life. But it also humiliated and broke Ziheng down to his constituent parts.

One of the things that is so fascinating to me about this novel is the question of what can be forgiven/what should be forgiven/what kind of expiation is enough/can you ever love someone who you loved so much and then he hurt you so badly and is now repentant? And it never sweeps trauma under the rug or hand waves it away but deals with it head on.

If you want healthy relationships, you should stay far away from this novel but if intense insane ones with a feral barely human one capable of destroying the world leashed by love and guilt to the sane deeply good one is your bag, come right in.

There is also the world building and the fact that yes, the big fall out between Ziheng x Zixiao is based on not knowing all the facts but it’s not “why can’t you talk?! This is dumb!” But is totally in keeping with both events and their characters. It’s reasonable for Ziheng to do what he does and for Zixiao to misunderstand and decide Ziheng is now his biggest enemy (but still one he’s fixated on) and for Ziheng to never be able to clarify.

Anyway, once again this is trigger warning central so please heed those, but if they are no issue, this one is wonderful.

5. OK, this is hard and switches between Sha Po Lang, Heaven Official’s Blessing and The Golden Stage depending on my mood. So what the hell, I am gonna write about all of them.

Sha Po Lang - so smart and so much clever world building. There is enough politicking to satisfy a Qiang Jin Jiu fan, it’s steampunk, and our two protagonists - Gu Yun, the empire’s most powerful general, who’s loyal to the empire despite being badly wronged by it, and Chang Geng, a cursed prince with barbarian blood and horrifying childhood - are wonderful separately and together. This is a huge slow burn but it’s totally worth it! They fall in love with each other’s hearts and brains and ability as much as anything. (Yes, this is the one with the yifu thing. Gu Yun is made Chang Geng’s foster father when he rescues him and brings him back to the capital as a way to keep CG safe in imperial strife. They are 12 and 19 at the time so clearly it’s never a parental relationship.)

Heaven Official’s Blessing (TCGF) - I love it’s sprawling narrative and cast, I love its inventive setting and picaresque story. It’s hilarious and can make me cry. But the novel’s place on this list is due to Xie Lian who is part Kenshin part drama WWX part pure goodness wrapped in heartbreak and trauma wrapped in sunshine.

The Golden Stage - two smart and principled (yes, they both have principles different though they may be) men navigate their arranged marriage, their past friendship and their past break up, become a super couple (one of the healthiest danmei couples I’ve ever read and proves healthy doesn’t have to be boring), save the country and bring down the emperor or two and just generally this is my rainy day book.

I guess I didn’t write as much for the three n5 candidates as I did for 1-4 but my brain is beginning to curdle so...

[nhlandotherimagines]

I Hope You Don’t Stay in Vegas…

Nolan Patrick x Travis Konecny

Taglist: @sebbyaho @anastasiyaigorevnadobrodevskaya @leafs-forever @wildflowersmalum @bb-nhlqueen7

Author’s Note: This fic is my child and it ended up being 10000x longer than I ever intended! I hope some of you enjoy reading it when half as much as I enjoyed writing it! Thank you all for the support

Word Count: ~16.9k (buckle up)

Warnings: THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION!!! Although the characters are based on very real people, this (no matter how much I want it to be real) is entirely made up. ANGST. Sadness. Men being in love. Mentions of sex, as well as insinuated sex. Mild homophobia (no I do not condone this it was just for the plot Love Wins) I’m sure there is probably more and if I missed something important please let me know 💙

It was coming. It always was. Travis knew that, so did Nolan. So why did it hurt so bad?

———

“It’s gonna be okay Pat. You’ll feel better soon, the doctors will figure it out, and you’ll be back out on the ice with me before you know it.” Travis wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince, Nolan or himself. Either way, he hoped his sentiment would be true.

The grumble that rumbled through the phone after his words, brought a sad smile to Travis’ lips. Nolan might not have been one to show his emotions outwardly, especially not happy or positive ones, but seeing, or rather hearing, Nolan like that, was killing Travis. “I think they’re going to trade me Teeks.”

His voice was quiet. So quiet, that anyone else may have asked Nolan to repeat the statement. Not Travis though. Travis never wanted to hear Nolan mutter them again. Ever. “Don’t-“

“I’m serious. They haven’t said anything yet, but I feel it coming. I’m not what they need anymore.” Nolan’s voice sounded cold. Distant as it came through the phone, the irony of that not lost on Travis.

He couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t listen to his best friend give in like that. To act like he wasn’t worth it. To act like Philly didn’t need him. To act like HE didn’t need him. So he hung up. He hung up the phone, his heart heavy, and tears springing to his eyes. Why did it bother him so much? It’s not as though Fletcher had called for the trade. It’s happened many times before, every season almost, that Travis loses a teammate he cared for. So why now? Why is it that even the thought of Nolan not being in Philly anymore has Travis crying?

———

When Nolan called Travis to ask if he could pick him up at the airport, he knew he shouldn’t have. He should have called someone else, anyone! Hell, he could have even ordered an Uber or called a taxi, but he only wanted to see Travis.

Pulling his carry-on over his shoulder, Nolan made his way off of the plane. His mind reeling with the possibilities of what the season could hold for him and Travis. Traveling together, playing together, just being best friends again, without all the distance and the migraines.

Maybe Nolan thought about more than that. So what? Maybe he thought about getting an apartment together. Like TOGETHER, together. As more than friends. It was stupid really, or so Nolan thought, but Travis meant the world to him.

Collecting his luggage from baggage claim, Nolan moved faster than a sane person should, in his quest to find Travis. He nearly knocked some old lady over in the process, mumbling an apology before continuing his tear through the airport.

As he rounded the corner, Nolan saw him. Travis standing there, hands in the pockets of his stupid camo hoodie that Nolan loved so much, his eyes wildly searching the crowd. Stopping abruptly, Nolan takes a moment to watch Travis. He is beautiful. Maybe not in the most conventional way, but to Nolan, he is perfect. His hair was messy where it stuck out from under his flyers cap, and he looked exhausted, likely having woken up at 3 am to pick Nolan up on time.

Finally, though Nolan may argue he didn’t have enough time to admire his best friend, Travis’ eyes land on his best friend. His face immediately lit up, and though no one but Travis can tell, his heart rate also picked up a bit. Between Covid, and Nolan’s migraines, they’d hardly spent any time together since April 2019. Seeing Nolan again, had a weight lifting from Travis’s shoulders and his feet moving quickly in Nolan’s direction.

“Hi.” Nolan mumbled, as Travis stopped in front of him. Nolan’s voice immediately brought a smile to Travis’ face, as he pulled his friend into as ‘manly’ a hug as he could muster.

“How are you feeling?” Travis asked, trying not to be too blunt, but ultimately needing to know if Nolan was really okay.

“Never better.” The response wasn't just about Nolan’s lack of migraines as of late, but also of finally being back with Travis. It felt right.

After loading the bags into the trunk of Travis’ car, the pair climbed in and headed toward Nolan’s apartment. Travis’ voice filled the quiet of the car, and Nolan couldn’t even bring himself to be annoyed. He missed Travis being loud and never shutting up. Truth is, he missed Travis.

Suddenly Travis’ voice trailed off, causing Nolan’s gaze to leave the window and settle over his friend. “Hey Pat?”

Nolan grunts in response, encouraging Travis to continue. “I need your opinion on something.” He paused, and when Nolan didn't object, he nodded toward the glove compartment. “Open it.”

Nolan did as he was told, and what he found inside left him speechless. A tiny velvet box sat perfectly in the centre of the compartment. Nolan may not be the smartest man in the world, but he’s not completely stupid. He knew what it was without opening it. He knew what it meant, and he hated it. “I want to ask Karly to marry me.”

Although he knew that the box held a ring for Karly, Nolan couldn’t help the wave of disappointment that washed over him. He wondered if maybe in another life the ring in that box would have been for him, and maybe right in that moment they’d be pulling up to their shared apartment, not Nolan’s empty one.

“S’great Teeks.” Nolan mumbled almost inaudibly, as Travis parked in front of the building. “Thanks for the drive.” He added before throwing himself as fast as he could from Travis’ vehicle. Pulling his luggage from the trunk, Nolan couldn’t suppress the groan that left him as Travis got out too.

“Here Pat, lemme help.” Travis insisted, as he attempted to grab the handle of Nolan’s suitcase.

“No!” Nolan’s exclamation had Travis retracting and a look of hurt and confusion crossing his features. The whole situation; Travis proposing to someone else, the look on Travis face that he caused; all of it had Nolan’s eyes welling with tears and an uncontrollable anger bubbling up inside him. “I’ve got it!” He practically growled, once again throwing his carry-on over his shoulder.

“Pat, what's wrong? What happened?” Travis’ voice sounded weak, like he too was fighting off tears.

“Nothing.” Nolan’s voice was less snappy this time around, but it broke as he spoke, giving away that it was in fact something.

Before Travis could speak again, Nolan scurried away. His luggage rumbling loudly on the pavement behind him as he moved quickly toward the entrance of his building. The noise was deafening, so much so, it’s all Nolan could hear. The sound rang in his ears as tears began to flow down his cheeks. It was so consuming; the feeling in his chest, and the sound of the luggage wheels against pavement, that he didn’t hear Travis call to him. Nor did he hear Travis’ footsteps running toward him.

He felt it though. Both his heart breaking into a million little pieces, and the hand that wrapped around his wrist. He felt Travis. Felt the concern, and confusion as it radiated from the shorter man. Nolan related to the feeling, for he too was confused. He should have been elated. Should have been popping a beer with Travis in his apartment at that exact moment. He should have been making quips about being the best man, and about being the uncle to Travis’ kids. So why wasn’t he?

He heard him then. The way Travis spoke his name so carefully, had Nolan turning toward him. It’s not just his name he heard, but something else as well. Something he hadn’t expected.

Hope.

The hope Nolan could hear in Travis’ voice, and the glimmer in his sad eyes, is all that was needed. It’s as if the whole dynamic between them shifted in that very moment. All the lines between them blurring at the simple uttering of a name.

“I-is she the one?” Nolan spoke, eyes boring into Travis. Waiting for the answer, unsure of what it was he was hoping Travis would say.

Travis’ eyes searched Nolan’s tear stained face, trying to figure out exactly what it was he wanted to hear. “She could be,” Nolan’s heart, although already broken, shattered even more at that. “She has to be. Right?” Travis added, looking just as confused as Nolan felt.

“Why?”

“Why what Nols?” Letting out a shaky breath, Nolan’s eyes dropped from his best friend to his feet. Suddenly entranced by the fraying of his untied shoelaces; something Travis would often chirp him for.

The lack of response had Travis speaking again, “Talk to me. Are you feeling okay?”

Nolan shook his head aggressively, a new batch of tears falling down his face. “Why,” he paused, trying to stop the tears. He never cries, not in front of anyone. Especially Travis, so why was he? “Why her and not me?” The words slipped past Nolan’s lips before he could stop them. Immediately regret settled in, accompanied by nausea and the onset of a migraine.

Travis’ silence didn’t help the situation, and the longer the pair stood in silence, the more awkward the situation became.

Nolan’s eyes had yet to lift from his feet to look at the man in front of him. Maybe if they had, he’d have seen it. Maybe he would have only seen a scared looking Travis, or maybe, if he looked close enough, he’d have seen the love. The love swimming in Travis’ eyes that he held for no one but Nolan Patrick.

Yes, he loved Karly. Travis was certain he did. Certain that he could spend the rest of his life with her. Probably. Though when Nolan’s question really hit him, Travis wasn’t sure of the answer.

Why Karly? Well because she’s beautiful, absolutely perfect, and everyone loves her. It’s simple. It’s easy. A no-brainer one might go as far to say.

Why not Nolan? Well that part of Nolan’s inquisition is where Travis himself had more questions than answers.

Of the questions bouncing around Travis’ skull, only one made it’s way past his lips, “Where is this coming from Nols?”

The small laugh that left Nolan, was anything but humorous. In fact Travis was sure it wasn’t a laugh at all, and instead the sound of a heart breaking. “Nowhere Trav,” Nolan’s eyes finally met Travis’, and he let out an almost inaudible sigh. “Nowhere.”

The silence that followed made Nolan want to scream, but instead he watched. He watched the confused look on Travis’ face. The crease in his forehead, the emotion in his eyes, the pout on his lips…

Nolan’s cheeks warmed considerably, surely bright red, as he caught himself staring at his friend’s lips. He managed to tear his gaze back to Travis’ eyes and gave him a strained smile. “She’s lucky y’know? You’re a great guy.” Nolan offered up the sentiment in hopes to move past whatever awkwardness sat between the pair.

“You think?” Travis’ insecurities all seemed to be bubbling to the surface as he pulled absentmindedly at his hoodie strings. The self doubt evidently consuming Travis, caused Nolan to frown.

“I know.” Nolan placed a hand firmly against Travis’ shoulder, rubbing his thumb in, what he could only hope to be received as, a reassuring gesture.

The action, if nothing else, caused a smile to break out on Travis' lips. With his hand placed over Nolan’s he leaned forward and up onto his toes, so he was face to face with the taller man.

The action had Nolan’s breath catching in his throat, and once again his eyes shamelessly fell to Travis’ lips.

Leaning in closer to Nolan’s ear, Travis whispered. The words were just loud enough so no one but Nolan could hear, even though they were alone. “Thanks Nols.”

Before Nolan could respond, Travis’ lips were placed firmly against Nolan’s reddening cheek. The act, although quick, had Nolan’s mind reeling. Sure, Travis had kissed his cheek before. Many times in fact. This time however, was different. More intimate.

As Travis pulled away, Nolan wanted to stop him, maybe kiss him back, say something, but he didn’t. In the blink of an eye, without so much as a glance back over his shoulder; Travis was gone.

———

Pretending the kiss, even if just on the cheek, didn’t rattle him to his core, was difficult for Nolan. It had been a week since what Nolan was referring to as ‘the incident’, and he hadn’t even begun to unpack the feelings and issues that had risen because of it. Instead he chose to ignore it, like most of his other problems in life.

Travis hadn’t been doing much better really. He and Karly seemed to be fighting over every little thing since the morning Nolan arrived back in Philly. Travis knew he was to blame, but he couldn’t seem to help it. Every small thing bothered him, and it seemed that he couldn’t help but do the things he knew bothered Karly. The fights were never big, but it was evident the constant bickering was taking a toll on the pair.

Travis sat quietly on the kitchen counter, staring blankly out the window when Karly entered the room. She watched him for a moment, similarly to how Nolan had just a week ago. First she noticed the crease in his forehead, then the sadness swimming in his eyes, and finally her gaze settled on the seemingly permanent frown on his lips.

“You’re too quiet Trav.” Karly stated, pulling herself up onto the counter next to him. “You’ve gotta talk, what’s going on with you?”

The shaky sigh that left Travis after her question, did little to comfort Karly. “I kissed someone,” Karly took a quick intake of breath at Travis’ admission, so he quickly began to clarify. “Just on the cheek! But I thought about actually kissing them. What is wrong with me?”

Silence fell over them after that. Both of them sat silently, contemplating what Travis’ admission meant.

Travis knew he should clarify who, but he didn’t know how to tell his girlfriend that he likes his best friend. Not just that, but by telling her who it was, Travis was basically coming out, and he didn’t even know if he was gay.

“It was Nolan wasn’t it?” The knowing smile, matched with the words that came from her lips, sent Travis into a spiral.

“H-how…?” He struggled to even form a full sentence. His stomach flipped, and he felt nauseous. It wasn’t supposed to happen that way, Karly was never supposed to know he liked Nolan. He wasn’t even supposed to like Nolan!

“I’ve always noticed the way you look at him Trav, you’re forgetting I can read you better than anyone.” Her small laugh sounded strained as it filled Travis’ ears.

“What does it mean?” He knew it was a stupid question as soon as it left his lips, but he still couldn’t help but ask.

“It means you have some things to figure out Trav. Thank you for being honest with me.”

———

The uncomfortable silence that sat between Nolan and Travis, as they lay in their respective hotel beds, was something new. Their first game of the season just so happened to be a road game, and as always, they were roommates.

“Hey Nol?” Travis spoke, eyes not straying from where they were fixed on the ceiling.

Nolan hums, encouraging Travis to continue. “How do I know if I’m in love with someone?”

The question has Nolan pushing himself up onto his elbows, and looking at Travis quizzically. “Um- well I guess you know, when you’re willing to do anything for them. No matter what the consequences are. If their happiness and well-being is your number one priority, I’d say that means you’re in love.” Nolan’s cheeks flushed as he spoke, but thankfully Travis’ eyes had yet to leave the ever-exciting hotel ceiling.

“Have you ever been in love?” Travis hoped his question didn't sound as awkward as he felt when asking it.

“Yeah, I think so.” A silence fell between the two again. The tension in the room rose with every passing minute. Travis desperately wanted to ask more. Wanted to know who and when. His jealous side reared its head as he thought up all of Nolan’s potential love interests.

Nolan thankfully spoke up again, effectively pulling Travis from his spiral, but quickly sending him into another. “You’re in love with Karly right? What’s that like?”

What was it like? Somehow the best and worst thing to ever happen to him; that’s what it was like. She was beautiful and wonderful, and everything any guy could possibly want in a woman. So, why was the question so hard to answer?

“It’s… confusing?” Travis realized quickly that his word choice had resulted in more questions than answers, and he hurriedly attempted to clarify. “How is someone supposed to know they’re with the right person right? Like how am I supposed to know she’s the one when there are so many people I haven’t met. Not to mention the people I already know.”

“You met someone?” Nolan asked, feeling both disappointed and relieved at the same time.

“No, not like that! I mean kind of? Forget I said anything.” Travis huffed, rolling over onto his side so his back was facing, a very puzzled, Nolan.

———

He should've been sleeping and Travis knew it, but he couldn’t. His mind, and heart, had been racing from the moment he picked up Nolan from the airport weeks earlier.

The room had been quiet. Too quiet for Travis, that is until Nolan became restless. He began tossing and turning. The longer Travis laid still listening, the more frequent and dramatic Nolan’s movements became.

Soon later, the rustling of the sheets were accompanied by small whimpers. Short, strained and painful, were the three words Travis would have used to describe the noises his friend had been making, and it killed him to hear it.

Finally Travis found the courage in himself, to roll over and check on Nolan. The sight that met him, hurt more than the noises themselves. Although difficult to see in the dimly lit room, Travis could make out the pained look on Nolan’s face, and the sweat that covered him. “Nols?” Travis tried, but Nolan’s only response was a small whimper.

Pulling himself from his bed, Travis quickly found himself sitting on the edge of Nolan’s. “Hey… Patty.” Travis’ voice was barely above a whisper, but when his hand gently met Nolan’s shoulder, Nolan’s eyes snapped open.

They weren’t open long, however, before they were squeezed shut and his hands were covering his eyes tightly, and a groan leaving his lips. “Everything alright Nols?” Travis couldn’t even attempt to mask the concern in his voice.

“M’head hurts.” Nolan grumbled softly, though not angrily.

Without speaking, Travis pulled himself to his feet and quietly gathered Nolan an Advil and some water before taking up the same spot on Nolan’s bed. “Here, this should help.” Travis said, helping Nolan sit up, and wordlessly watched him take the pill.

Nolan handed the empty glass back to Travis, and mumbled a thank you. Travis took the cup, giving Nolan a sympathetic smile before standing again. He didn’t get far, however, before Nolan’s hand was wrapped around his wrist. “Don’t go… please?”

“Sh-Should I call someone Patty?” Travis’ nerves got the better of him, as Nolan’s grip tightened slightly.

“No, please stay.”

Nolan’s pleas were vague, but Travis knew what he needed. So, he climbed into the bed beside Nolan, his back pressed to the headboard and Nolan’s head was placed gently in his lap.

Travis’ fingers travelled carefully through his friends’ messy locks, and before long the whimpering stopped. Nolan’s breathing evened out, and he finally found rest.

As Travis sat in silence, watching him sleep, he thought back to the words Nolan had used to describe what it meant to love someone. ‘When you’re willing to do anything for them. No matter what the consequences are. If their happiness and well-being is your number one priority, I’d say that means you’re in love.’

A small smile crept onto Travis’ face as he chuckled to himself. “Well Patty,” he whispered, “I think I am in love.”

———

Nolan woke up the next morning without a headache at all, and if it weren’t for the fact he had his whole body wrapped around Travis, he’d even say he felt better. That however, was not the case. Nolan felt sick as his eyes scanned Travis’ face that was mere inches from his own.

The small smile that took up residence on Travis’ face, was almost enough to convince Nolan that this whole thing was perfectly normal. Waking up wrapped in each others’ arms is not something friends do, and if any of the other guys had seen them, they’d never hear the end of it.

Before Nolan could become too content in the domestic-ness of it all, he rolled away from Travis.

If Travis noticed, he didn’t dare say a word.

———

Nolan didn’t speak to Travis at all for the rest of the day. No one really noticed, because he’s not much of a talker on game days anyway, but Travis did. “You feeling alright Pat?” Travis asked, as he leaned against Nolan’s stall.

Nolan just nodded, and continued getting his gear on, refusing to make eye contact with Travis.

Assuming it was because of his head and his lack of sleep the night before, Travis left him alone. He kept a close eye on him during warmups though, even if Nolan kept a good distance from him the entire time.

———

The game was rough. Uncharacteristically so for the first game of a season, but here they were. Chirps flying left, right and centre. Travis caught up in the middle of it as per usual.

The game had remained scoreless through the first two periods, and the first face off of the third was looming. Nolan lined up for the face off, Travis on the right wing. As the puck was dropped to start the period, all seemed to go well. Nolan won the face off cleanly to give Philly possession. Travis gained control of the puck, and dumped it into the corner of the offensive zone. Nolan quickly found himself in a scrum in the corner fighting for puck possession.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Nolan took a hard hit from behind. His head smashing hard into the boards, and a body landing roughly on top of him.

The entire arena seemed to take a collective gasp, as a silence fell over the onlookers.

The silence did not last long though. The ref blew the whistle, the noise quickly alerting Travis to the stoppage in play. He had been on his way off the ice for a line change, and had missed the entire ordeal, but as his eyes settled on Nolan who was lying limp on the ice, Travis could see only red.

Somehow Travis found himself in the corner faster than he even thought possible. “Get the fuck off of him!” Travis growled as he grabbed onto the back of the jersey of the player still laying on top of Nolan. Normally, in a situation like that, Travis would take note of the player who hit his teammate, and keep tabs on him for the rest of the night. This however, was not the same.

With the image of Nolan struggling through a migraine, paired with how little was actually known about Nolan’s condition, Travis’ emotions got the better of him. A single well placed swing, left the opposing player with a bloodied face. A small price to pay for hurting Nolan, or at least that’s how Travis felt in the moment.

The refs spent the next few moments trying to put out the fire that was the inevitable brawl caused by Travis’ actions. Travis couldn’t bring himself to engage in it, even as players swung and grabbed at him. All that Travis could focus on was Nolan.

At some point, amidst all of the chaos, the trainer had made their way to where Nolan was still lying motionless on the ice. “Nolan!” Travis’ voice was desperate as he called back. The ref's arms tightened around him, as he attempted to make his way toward Nolan.

Finally Travis broke free from the Ref’s hold, and fell to his knees beside the trainer. “Pat, buddy come on!” His voice was frantic, as he began to reach out to Nolan.

“Konecny no, let me do my job.” The trainer’s voice was stern, like that of a school principal’s. Travis recoiled at the sound of it, but stayed in his spot.

“Come on Nols, you’re gonna be okay man… you’ve gotta be.” Travis’ words must have flipped a switch, or at least that’s how it seemed, because Nolan groaned in response.

The next few minutes were a blur to Travis. Nolan was stable, though he wouldn’t see the ice again for at least the rest of the night. As they managed to get Nolan to his feet, Travis helped skate him off the ice and walked him down the tunnel.

“M’sorry.” Nolan’s voice once again sounded weak, and Travis hated it.

“No. Don’t, this isn’t your fault. I should have been there- I should have-“ Travis’ rebuttal was cut short as Nolan pressed his lips gently against Travis’ temple.

“S’okay-“ Travis could see the pain on Nolan’s face as he tried to speak, “You didn’t know.”

Travis’ hand shakily found its way to Nolan’s cheek, where he gently rested it. Nolan leaned into his palm slightly, his face twisted in discomfort momentarily. Nolan’s eyes fell shut, but he relaxed slightly, falling deeper into Travis’ touch. Nolan’s tongue swiped lazily across his lips, and Travis couldn’t help but follow the movement with his eyes. All Travis needed to do was lean in and close the gap, and it seemed as though his body was involuntarily taking the step for him. No matter how loudly his brain screamed at him to stop, it’s as though Nolan’s lips were a magnet and Travis’ were drawn to it.

“Konecny! Let’s go!” The booming voice of the assistant coach stopped him before he could lean in any farther. Travis pulled away from Nolan as though he’d been burned. After quickly muttering a small apology, Travis ran back down the tunnel and out onto the ice.

A small frown formed on Nolan’s lips, as he ghosted his hand over his cheek where Travis’ had been moments before. He couldn’t help but think that the universe was conspiring against him, and just enjoyed watching him suffer.

As the medics asked him a million and one questions about his head, Nolan barely even noticed it throbbing, because the ache in his chest felt far worse.

———

“Where is he?”

“Travis-“ Coach Alain’s voice was soft despite the anger he likely was holding for Travis at that moment.

“No!” Travis snapped, eyes wild. “I need to see him. Now.”

Alain, clenched his jaw, fighting back the urge to lay into Travis. He wouldn’t have been wrong for doing so, Travis had just been the main cause of a big loss, but he knew what was going on. So instead of being a hard ass, he nodded his head toward the quiet room.

Without another word, Travis was gone.

To Travis, it seemed as though the short hallway had tripled in length. When he finally reached the door of the quiet room, he sighed in relief as his hand gripped the doorknob.

“Nols?” Travis’ voice sounded much softer than when he’d spoken to his coach moments prior. So much so, he sounded like a completely different person.

The room was dimly lit, and Travis barely even noticed Nolan slumped over in a small chair. Closing the door Travis quickly made his way to Nolan’s side.

“Did we win?” Nolan’s question had Travis’ head spinning. Why did it matter? Nolan could have been really hurt, or worse, and that’s what he was worrying about??

“No we didn’t win! How could we? You weren’t there!” Travis’ voice was laced in frustration, as he stared back at Nolan.

“The team can win without me Trav. It's happened before, they don’t need me.”

“BUT I DO!” Travis snapped. His voice was loud, too loud for Nolan. Nolan’s face twisted slightly in pain, and his eyes squeezed shut. “Fuck-“

“Y-you don’t Trav, you don’t need me. You were an amazing hockey player before you met me, and you’ll continue to be an amazing hockey player when I’m gone.” His words were meant to comfort Travis, and although he was gentle with them, they didn’t have that effect.

“You don’t get it!” Travis grumbled, though his voice was much softer than it had been. “This isn’t about hockey.”

“Then what is it about?” Nolan asked, pulling himself to his feet.

Travis briefly weighed out his options. On one hand he could tell Nolan how he felt, or he could run. Did he even know how he felt though?

With a deep but shaky breath, Travis stepped into Nolan. His hand found purchase on Nolan’s cheek. “It’s about us Nols,” as the words left Travis’s lips, he started to panic. “Y-youre my best friend, and I can’t- I can’t lose you alright?”

Nolan’s eyes searched Travis’ for a sign. A sign that he wasn’t being honest, but all Nolan found staring back at him was an unsettling mixture of sadness, fear, and love. So he leaned in. Forgetting about the game, the concussion, the team down the hall, Karly, the repercussions, all of it. The only things that mattered to Nolan in that exact moment, were him and Travis, and how right it felt as their lips found one another.

Travis’ hands gripped gently onto both of Nolan’s cheeks, pulling him impossibly closer and deepening the kiss causing a small whimper to escape Nolan. The sound seems to pull Travis back to reality, because he pulled away abruptly, hands falling back to his sides. “Shit-“ Travis grumbled, as he ran his hands over his face in frustration.

Nolan’s cheeks seemed to become impossibly redder, as he cleared his throat. “Teeks?” His voice came out small, childlike, sounding eerily similar to a plea for help.

“What are we doing?” Travis sounded angrier than Nolan had expected, and as his wild eyes stared back into Nolan’s, a flip switched.

“Nothin’, you should go.” Nolan immediately shut down after that. His face stone cold, like the walls Travis could practically see being built as he stared back at his friend.

“Nolan, I-“

“Go.”

And so he did. Travis walked away, without so much as a glance back over his shoulder. If he had’ve spared a glance however, he would have seen the tears that fell silently down Nolan’s cheeks.

———

“How’s Nolan doing? That was a pretty nasty hit last night.” Karly asked, taking a sip from her coffee. Travis had slept on the couch after the loss. Well he laid there anyway, sleep didn’t come easily.

Travis just shrugged in response as he turned away from Karly to pour himself a coffee. “How are you doing?” She pried, putting emphasis on the word ‘you’.

Again Travis only shrugs noncommittally in response. “Trav, you were pretty worked up. You can’t let stuff like that get to you, it was just a hit.”

“Just a hit?” Travis scoffed, slamming his coffee mug down more aggressively than he had intended to. “A hit that could have ended his career, or worse!”

“But it didn’t-“

“He kissed me.”

Silence fell between the pair immediately after Travis’ admission. Karly watched Travis closely, hoping he’d let her in, tell her what was going on with him, but he instead avoided her gaze completely. “So, what’s that mean Trav?”

“Nothing apparently.” Travis shook his head, before he finally looked Karly in the eye. “I- I love him Karly, at least I think I do.”

Karly let out a deep breath that she hadn’t realized she was holding, and smiled sadly at the man in front of her. Travis looked more broken than she’d ever seen him, and it killed her. “Tell him. You deserve to be happy Trav, and if I’m as right about him as I was about you, he’s just as messed up about all of this as you are right now.”

“What about us?” Travis knew his question was stupid. It shouldn’t be Karly having to answer, but he needed to know she was going to be okay.

“You’re my best friend Trav, always have been and always will be. I want you to be happy, and if that’s with Nolan then I’m okay with that.” Karly smiled, but Travis could see the tears threatening to fall.

“Thank you. For everything. I mean it.” Travis kissed her cheek gently before he pulled on his shoes and headed out the door.

He had no idea what he was going to say or do, much less how Nolan would react, but it didn’t matter.

———

Travis had never felt more nervous than he did at that moment standing outside Nolan’s apartment. He rubbed his palms against his pants, before lifting one to knock.

It was early. Probably too early for Nolan to be awake, but he couldn’t wait. He needed to know why Nolan had kissed him, and what it would mean for them.

“Travis?” The voice made Travis jump, his eyes lifting quickly from where they had been watching his feet.

Of all the ways Travis had imagined this conversation going, this wasn’t even close.

“Rebecca, uh hey is, is Nolan here?” Rebecca was Nolan’s ex, if you could even call her that. Really she was more just a full-time hookup and that was it. Travis hated her, and seeing her standing in Nolan’s doorway, barely clothed, at 7 am, reminded Travis exactly why that was.

“Little busy here Konecny, what’s up?” Nolan’s voice sounded groggy, and when Travis’ eyes fell on him he could tell why. Nolan had gotten just as little sleep as he had, but evidently for very different reasons.

It took everything in Travis to pull his eyes off of Nolan’s bare chest, to look him in the eye. “Never mind, I didn’t realize you had,” Travis paused, his eyes taking in Rebecca’s appearance once again. “Company.” The clear distaste in his voice should have been embarrassing, but at the time all Travis could bring himself to feel was hurt and used.

As he turned and began walking away, Travis’ eyes filled with tears. He wouldn’t dare let them fall, but they were there nonetheless, and as the apartment door closed behind him, he broke a little more.

———

“What’s his problem?” Rebecca giggled as the door shut behind her. Nolan wasn’t even paying attention, instead he was pacing around his kitchen attempting to look busy.

“Nol?” Rebecca tried again, hoping to get his attention. Nolan barely glanced back at her as he let out a noise to signify he was listening again. “What was that all about? Like I know Travis has a total hard-on for you, but he needs to chill.”

Nolan’s entire body tensed, as he set down his protein shake bottle he’d been messing with as Rebecca spoke. “You should go.” He did his best to keep his anger from showing, but the bite to his words was very evident.

“Excuse me?” Rebecca seemed taken aback, and slightly offended.

“Leave!” Nolan didn’t try to hide his emotions the second time around. His voice came out much louder than either of the two occupants of his apartment had been expecting.

So, without another word, Rebecca began gathering her things. As she did so, Nolan stayed stationary, hands braced against the counter and staring blankly at the bottle he’d placed there. He watched it so intently, that when Rebecca glanced back at him before leaving, she couldn’t help but also inspect the bottle. Unsurprisingly, the bottle did nothing, much like Nolan did.

No sooner than the door had shut behind Rebecca, the bottle Nolan had been transfixed upon, smashed against the wall. The bottle smashed into multiple pieces, and fell to the floor gracelessly. Nolan followed suit. His heart felt like it was in pieces as he flopped just as gracelessly to the floor.

Once again, Nolan had allowed his inability to be vulnerable to push away the one person he cared about. Now he was alone. No Travis. No Rebecca. No one. Just Nolan and his thoughts, and that terrified him.

———

“You feeling alright, Konecny?” Claude asked, shoving Travis’ shoulder as the two sat side by side on exercise bikes. For about a week both Travis and Nolan had been off. Cranky and reserved, which for Travis was out of character. As for Nolan, it was as if someone had taken his seemingly constant bad mood and amplified it. So, it was up to Claude as captain, to intervene a bit.

“Fine.” Travis grunted, picking up speed on the bike. Claude rolled his eyes as he pulled himself from his bike. Positioning himself in front of Travis, he leaned against the bike, forearms resting across the handlebars.

“Listen Travis, I don’t know what’s going on between you and Nolan, and it certainly isn’t my place to ask. Whatever IS going on though, figure it out. We need you, both of you.” Claude gave Travis half a smile at that, and Travis just looked back at him. “You too lovebirds need to kiss and make up already!”

Claude laughed at his own joke, but if he only knew how much worse his comment made the situation, he wouldn’t find it funny.

Travis didn’t say a word. Instead he just stopped. Stopped pedaling. Stopped thinking. Hell for a moment he even stopped breathing. It’s as if Claude’s well intended figure of speech had punched him right in the gut.

Sensing the awkwardness, Claude tapped a hand on Travis’ shoulder, and smiled at him. “Work it out please? For the team.” With those few words Claude was gone, and Travis was left alone to spiral.

Little did Travis know that across the room, Nolan was having a very similar encounter.

“You two okay?” Kevin asked, as he used a towel to wipe the sweat from his neck. Nolan played dumb, and Kevin groaned loudly as Nolan asked what he was talking about.

“You and Travis. Whatever these “marital problems” are,” Kevin threw up exaggerated air quotes, “fix them.”

“It’s fine.” Nolan mumbled in protest, hoping that his already flushed cheeks weren’t reddening more as he spoke.

“Well it’s affecting the team, so I think it’s time the two of you got laid or something.” Kevin tried to lighten the mood, but the words had Nolan’s jealous side rearing its head.

“Fuck off Kev.” Nolan tried his hardest to make his words sound teasing, but Kevin knew. Anyone would have. Nolan was pissed.

———

“Hey Coach,” Travis called out, jogging to catch up with him. “I was just wondering how hard it would be to get my own room on the roadie next week.” He asked, once finally catching up with the coach.

“Why?” Coach Alain’s voice was knowing. It’s as if he didn’t even need to be asking the question, because he already knew.

“Um, well, I think it’s best if Patrick gets his own room, and that way he can get some rest.” Travis stumbled through the bullshit excuse, and his coach just laughed.

“Nice try Konecny! You two always room together, I’m not switching things up now.” Without so much as another word, Coach Alain was gone.

“Fuck.”

———

Two months. That’s how long it had been since the day Travis had shown up to Nolan’s place, only to be met by Rebecca. It had also been two months since Nolan had said more than two words to Travis outside of the rink. It was killing him.

As if things weren’t hard enough, Travis was attending the Flyer’s annual Christmas charity event. Alone.

“Where’s Karly?” The voice caught Travis off guard, but he definitely wasn’t expecting it to belong to Nolan.

“Uh,” Travis hesitated, “We broke up. Where is Rebecca?”

“You what!?” Nolan’s voice was loud, and caused a few eyes to drift their way. He lowered his voice, but continued speaking, “What happened to marrying her?”

“Are you seriously going to ask me that right now?” Travis was angry. For many reasons. It wasn’t even the fact Nolan was asking him a question he should know the answer to. It wasn’t even that Nolan had broken his heart and didn’t seem to notice. It wasn’t really any of those things. He was mostly angry with himself. Angry for leaving someone good. Angry that he let himself ruin his friendship. Mostly though, he was angry that Nolan looked so damn good in a suit.

“Yeah actually I am. Trav what are you doing?” Travis cringed at Nolan’s use of nicknames. It’s not that it sounded wrong, in fact it was the very opposite. It sounded so… right.

“I don’t know!” Travis was frustrated, “I have no idea what I’m doing, but all I’ve managed to get out of it is a broken heart and losing my two best friends, so I don’t need a lecture.” As he finished talking, Nolan took a small step closer. So small in fact Travis hardly even noticed, that is until Nolan leaned in to him.

With his lips millimeters from Travis’ ear, Nolan sounded sad as he spoke softly. “You haven’t lost me Trav.” His hand found Travis’ bicep, and Travis shamelessly leaned into his touch.

“But I did.”

“No. I’m sorry you didn’t. We are still friends Travis, please let me fix this. Come over for drinks after, and we can pretend whatever that was, never happened, okay?” Nolan gently squeezed Travis’ arm as he spoke.

Travis couldn’t help the new wave of disappointment that washed over him. Sure, he wanted things to be normal again, but the fact that Nolan wanted to forget? That hurt.

Travis only nodded before he pulled away to go do his job. If nothing else, he could pretend for a while things were normal.

———

Travis’ nerves had gotten the better of him, and he quickly found himself one too many beers in. His face was warm, and his head fuzzy as Nolan smirked down at him. “Feelin’ alright there bud?”

“Wonderful!” Travis was always better at these events than Nolan, but Nolan had never seen him quite like this.

“Wanna get out of here?” Nolan’s words were platonic, but Travis’ stomach still flipped. Out of excitement or sadness, he wasn’t sure; nor did he care. Not trusting his voice, or his already reddening cheeks, Travis just nodded enthusiastically.

———

“Where’s Rebecca?” Travis had asked the question already, but he’d yet to get an answer. As the pair walked through the door of Nolan’s apartment, he couldn’t help himself. The memory of his last encounter there, weighing heavy on his heart.

“Forget about her, she’s not here.” Nolan evidently didn’t want to talk about her, or the situation. Travis however, did, and he just so happened to be one of the most persistent people Nolan knew. Not to mention he also had a bit of a buzz on still.

Nolan just groaned, pouring Travis a glass of water before handing it to him. Travis muttered a small thank you, before pulling himself on top of Nolan’s counter. “I can’t forget about her.” His voice was small, scared almost, as he stared down at the water in his glass.

“Why not? You’ve always hated her anyway.” Nolan asked, his lips quirking up into a small smirk as he leaned against the counter opposite Travis.

“Because, you’re sleeping with her.” Travis mumbled, once again not lifting his gaze from his glass. If he had looked up at the taller man though, he would have seen the look of pure amusement on his face.

“You like to think about that Trav?” Travis’ eyes nearly popped out of his head when he finally lifted it to look at Nolan. Travis’ face felt as though it were on fire, and Nolan’s face held only a smug smirk.

“No!” Travis quickly blurted out. “I mean… yes, but not like- not like that!”

Nolan stepped closer to Travis, closing the gap between them as he crossed the small kitchen space. “Like what then?” Nolan whispered gently against Travis’ ear as he found himself pressed to the counter between Travis’ parted thighs. “Jealous Konecny?”

Travis was flustered to say the least. His mind, at war, over whether or not he should push Nolan away or pull him closer. The decision was quickly made for him though, when Nolan’s lips began placing gentle kisses to his neck.

The groan that escaped Travis was needy, and Nolan couldn't help but chuckle against his neck. “So tell me then,” Nolan spoke between kisses, switching to the opposite side of his neck, “what was it like?”

When Travis’ only answer was a whimper, Nolan pulled away. “Gotta use your words Konecny.”

“Fuck you.” Travis grumbled, hands finding the back of Nolan’s neck to pull him closer.

“Least you could do is take me out first.” Nolan groaned, before pressing his lips against Travis’. The kiss took Travis’ breath away, and had him clinging desperately to Nolan. To his neck, his shirt collar, his hair, anything he could get his hands on. Because, despite the fact Nolan initiated the make out session, Travis wasn’t convinced Nolan wouldn’t just run away. Again.

So, when Nolan did finally start to pull away, Travis whined and tried to pull him back in. “Trav we have to stop.” Nolan groaned, but despite his words he allowed Travis to pull him in again momentarily.

“Teeks, we need to slow down. Please?” The words were mumbled gently against Travis’ lips, but Nolan didn’t make much effort to pull away. So Travis did.

“I’m sorry.” Travis’ cheeks burned red as he quickly attempted to fix his hair.

“No, don't be! I just-“ It was Nolan’s cheeks that turned red next, “If we don’t stop now, I- I won’t be able to.”

Travis’ breath caught in his throat at Nolan’s admission. Did Nolan really want to sleep with him? “Who said I wanted you to?” His words sounded much braver than he felt, but as he looked into Nolan’s eyes, he knew there was nothing to be afraid of.

“You’re going to be the death of me Konecny.” Nolan growled, before pressing his lips hungrily to Travis’ once again.

———

The following morning, Travis woke up to Nolan wrapped tightly around his body. Nolan’s hair splayed messily across his bare chest, and their legs tangled together. The small ache in his muscles, along with the fact neither of them were clothed, a gentle reminder of what had gone down the night before.

A moment like that, waking up with Nolan in his arms, is the one thing he’d craved everyday since that first road trip of the season. Now that he had it, Travis couldn’t fight the smile on his face, or the urge to kiss the top of Nolan’s head where it lay on his chest.

“Mornin’” Nolan mumbled, stretching lightly and pulling Travis impossibly closer.

“Good morning Nols. You sleep okay?” Travis asked, threading his fingers through Nolan’s hair.

“S’good, we need to do that more often.” Nolan punctuated his words by placing a kiss to Travis’ bare chest. The words, as well as the action caused Travis’ stomach to flip in the best way possible.

“I’d like that.”

A silence fell over the pair. Nolan traced patterns along Travis’ arm, as Travis continued to play with his hair. If someone happened upon them, they may have described the scene as domestic, Travis however, would have described it as nothing less than perfect.

“Coffee?” Nolan eventually asked, pushing himself up off the bed. Travis nodded in response, blushing as he watched Nolan pull on a pair of boxers. “You okay?” Nolan’s voice was laced in concern, as he sat at the edge of the bed next to Travis.

“Yeah.” Travis lied, “Never better.”

Nolan just smiled and placed a gentle kiss to Travis’ cheek before leaving the room to make coffee.

You see, the truth was that Travis felt the farthest thing from fine he’d ever felt. He was in love, and now he’d had a taste of what life with Nolan could be, and he wanted more. No, he needed more.

———

Travis and Nolan spent the holidays separately, with their respective families.

Travis spent the entire time trying to explain to his family what exactly had happened between him and Karly. Easier said than done.

Nolan spent the entire time avoiding the topic. The one time his mother attempted to bring it up and asked about Rebecca, Nolan’s mood soured quickly. No one bothered him after that.

As for what happened between the two of them over the holidays? That was simple: nothing. Radio silence.

On Christmas Day, Travis sat alone in his childhood bedroom, after everyone had settled in after dinner. His phone sat on the bed in front of him, begging for him to pick it up and call Nolan.

Travis picked up his phone, and opened Nolan’s contact, staring at it for way too long.

“You okay?” Chase, Travis’ older brother asked as he stuck his head in the doorway.

“Yeah, just thinkin’” Travis replied a little too dramatically, as he threw his phone onto his night stand. The action had Chase’s eyes following the phone, and his lips quirked up as he noticed the small gift box sitting there.

“Who is the gift for?” Chase pried, causing Travis to roll his eyes.

Falling back on his bed, he ran his hands through his hair, tugging on it in frustration. “Well it was for someone I’m kind of seeing, but I haven’t heard from them at all and I feel stupid.” His admission surprised both Chris and himself.

“Call her.” Travis cringed inwardly at his brother’s seemingly harmless assumption. He had never told his family about his sexuality, hell he still wasn’t even sure what it was. So, how could he expect Chase to not assume it was a woman? “If nothing else, just wish her a Merry Christmas, or Happy Holidays or whatever! I’m sure it would be appreciated.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Travis sighed, and Chase just smiled before disappearing back down the hall.

Travis sat up in his bed, grabbing both his phone and the small gift from the nightstand beside him.

Opening the phone, Travis quickly hit the call button, before he could talk himself out of it. Pressing the phone to his ear, Travis played nervously with the bow on the gift box.

The phone rang.

And rang.

And rang.

Finally, the ringing was cut off, and Nolan’s voice filled Travis’ ears. “Hey, sorry I missed you. Leave a message.” The smile that had lit up Travis’ features at the sound of Nolan’s voice, died just as quickly as it had come. The beep that followed like a knife to the heart.

“Sorry to bother you, just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas, so yeah. Merry Christmas Nols.” Tears burned Travis’ eyes as he hung up the phone. He tried telling himself that Nolan was just busy, it was Christmas after all, but deep down he knew that wasn’t it at all.

Little did Travis know, Nolan did hear the phone ring. Travis’ face lit up the screen as it rang, a photo Nolan took of him one night the team had gone out. Nolan was high as hell, and couldn’t bring himself to answer. Instead, he stared at the photo as he sat alone, clinging tightly to one of Travis’ stupid camo sweaters. He knew two things for sure. One, he was in love with Travis Konecny. And two? Well, he knew he needed to get over it. He couldn’t do this.

———

“Missed you.” Nolan’s words were muffled against Travis’ neck, as he clung to him. Sure, he had told himself he wouldn’t do this anymore, but that was when they were in different provinces. But with Travis right in front of him, looking like that? Well he couldn’t help himself.

“Yeah?” Travis wasn’t sure he meant it. He knew Nolan only wanted what was easy, and well when it came to Nolan, Travis would do whatever he wanted. Sure, it wasn’t healthy, but he loved him.

“S’much.”

So the pair continued on like that, walking the tightrope that teeters between lovers and friends. Simultaneously breaking not only their own, but each others’ hearts in the process.

Travis practically moved into Nolan’s apartment, and they were roomies on the road. Their alone time consisted of making out, cuddling, and sex. They were like hormonal teenagers, unable to get enough of each other, and yet when others were around they kept a safe distance.

Things had been going well, as well as a secret-not-relationship could, up until this particular road trip.

It had been particularly cold, and the fact they were on a Canadian road trip didn’t help. It was a cold March evening, the night before a big game against the Vancouver Canucks, and Travis was restless.

“Are you okay?” Nolan asked, after watching Travis get up from his bed and walk to the mini fridge for the fourth time in the past hour. He once again grabbed nothing, just opened the door.

“Hmm?” Travis was hardly even paying attention to Nolan, at least he was trying not to. “Oh yeah, I’m fine!” Travis sat in the tiny chair in the corner of the room, his leg bouncing excessively. He tried scrolling through his phone to distract himself, but nothing seemed to work. He was a wreck, and the looks Nolan was sending across the room? Not helping.

Nolan pushed himself from the bed, walking towards Travis. “Pat, I’m fine!” His voice was angrier than before, his leg still bouncing.

“It’s okay, lemme help?” Nolan’s eyes pleaded, as he placed his hands gently on Travis’ legs to stop the bouncing. “Please?”

“Nolan, I don't think it’s a good idea.” Travis’ voice was shaky as he attempted to protest. His body screamed at him to give in, it’s what he wanted, needed even.

“Trust me baby, it’s okay.” Nolan whispered, placing a gentle kiss to Travis’ lips as he sank down to his knees. That’s all it took. The flutter of his heart at the pet name, and the way his body heated up as he watched Nolan kneeling before him, enough to break the resolve. It was more intimate than any moment they’d shared before, and Travis couldn’t stop himself, and didn’t want to. All he wanted was Nolan.

So that’s what he got. All of him. For the time being anyway.

———

“Fuck.” Nolan’s exclamation had Travis peeking his head into the bathroom.

“You okay?” Travis asked, making eye contact with Nolan through the mirror.

“Yeah, but this could raise some eyebrows don’t you think?” He smirked, turning towards Travis.

Travis’ eyes instinctively fall to Nolan’s bare chest, the blood immediately draining from his face.

Nolan’s chest, shoulders and back were covered in scratches that he evidently hadn’t put there on his own. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Shit what are we gonna do?” Travis fretted, rushing to Nolan’s side and running his hand gently over the marks.

Nolan placed his hand over Travis, effectively stopping his movements, before lifting it to his lips. After placing a gentle kiss to it, Nolan sets Travis' palm against his own cheek.

“Calm down Trav,” Nolan chuckled lightly, “If anyone says anything, I’ll say we went out last night and picked up some girls. Hell, I don’t even have to say anything, it is me we are talking about.”

Travis smiled at that, because it’s true. The most Travis knew about Nolan’s sex life was the portion he’d been lucky to be a part of. Nolan was so private, and though that was something Travis adored about him, it still hurt a bit that he was now the secret.

———

“Tired Pat?” Kevin asked, as Nolan began putting on his gear.

“No, why?” He didn’t lift his head to see the shit eating grin on Kevin’s face.

“Just looks like you had a busy night, that's all.” One would swear Kevin’s comment was made in a locker room full of sixth graders if they heard the hushed giggles.

Travis, who was sitting in the stall next to Nolan, had already been trying not to stare at Nolan, and now he wanted to disappear altogether. Claude noticed Travis struggling, and sent him a sad, yet knowing smile.

Nolan ignored the comment entirely, so Kevin spoke again. “What’s her name?” Again no comment. “You don’t remember?” No comment. “HIS name?”

Nolan’s entire body froze at that. A look of what Travis could only describe as embarrassment, flashing across Nolan’s features momentarily. “Fuck off Hayes! I’m not gay!” Nolan laughed as the words left him, but it sounded bitter. Nolan’s face looked hurt, like Kevin’s insinuation had offended him. Travis is sure his face looked the same, except it wasn’t Kevin’s words that hurt him.

———

Travis hadn’t talked to Nolan since the comment in the locker room before the game. Even in warm up, and yet Nolan didn’t notice.

“Good game babe.” Nolan hummed, pressing a gentle kiss to Travis’ head the moment the hotel room door was closed behind them.

“Just stop.” Travis spit, pushing past Nolan to throw himself onto his bed.

His back was facing Nolan, as he curled himself up into a Travis sized ball without another word. “Trav what’s wrong?” Nolan’s brow furrowed as he spoke. Moving closer, Nolan sat on the edge of his own bed, being smart enough to keep some distance for now.

“No! Enough with the stupid little pet names!” Travis briefly glared over his shoulder to ensure the anger in his words translated better.

“I- I thought you liked them.” Nolan stuttered, dumbfounded by the whole scenario.

“Yeah, and I thought you liked me, so I guess we were both wrong.” Travis stared at the wall in front of him, attempting to control his breathing. He wanted to cry, and normally when he felt that way, he’d talk to Karly or Nolan. Not this time. This time he laid less than 10 feet from the one person he wanted to save him, as that person unknowingly had just shred his heart to pieces.

“I do like you, you’re my best friend.” Nolan’s words had a strained laugh escaping Travis as he pushed himself up onto his elbows to look at Nolan. Nolan’s heart breaks a little when he sees the few tears that had slid down Travis’ cheeks.

“You’re so clueless you know? I gave up everything for you, and I’m your best friend? Well I’m glad we had this chat because not only are you not gay, but you’re also a shitty friend.” Travis was out of his bed and halfway to the door by the time he had finished speaking. “Goodnight Nolan.”

And then, he was gone. Leaving Nolan alone, and more confused than he’d ever been.

———

“Travis?” Travis didn’t respond to Claude, he didn’t have to. In fact Claude had expected this to happen sooner or later.

Thankfully, Claude was the only one in the room at the time, and let Travis in without hesitation. Travis stood awkwardly in the corner of the room, staring absently at the tv. He couldn’t tell you what it was exactly he was watching, but it was a distraction nonetheless.

“You okay buddy?” Claude’s voice was gentle, similar to that of a parent speaking to a child who had just finished crying. Travis supposed that must be exactly what he looked like at that moment. A child with wide eyes and a tear stained face, and in all honesty that’s exactly how he felt. So, he shook his head ‘no’ in response.

“It’s because Nolan slept with a girl last night, isn’t it?” Claude thought he understood, but he didn’t. Not even close. Yet, Travis couldn’t tell him. Even if it was his place to tell, which he didn’t feel it was, he couldn’t speak because he was crying.

Travis Konecny was crying. Not just a few tears, like the ones that had slipped out just a few minutes before. No, he was practically hysterical. Entire body shaking as he sobbed silently.

Claude watched on in both terror and confusion. This is not what he had expected, nor did Claude know how to deal with it. So he did the only thing that made sense: he text Nolan.

———

Nolan should have followed Travis, he knew it, but he didn’t know what to say. So, he hid on the roof freezing to death, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered to him in that moment, was Travis, and yet he couldn’t talk to him.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket, mind toying with the idea of calling Travis. As he stared at the blank screen, it lit up with a message from Claude.

Captain: What did you do to him?

Shit. That was not a good sign, so Nolan ran. He didn’t have time to think about what the message meant, or what he’d even do once he got there, but he moved as fast as he could. Stopping only when he was knocking on Claude’s door.

Inside the room, Travis had managed to calm his sobs to just a steady stream of silent tears. He stood facing the wall as Claude excused himself to see who was at the door.

As Travis heard the door open and close signaling Claude’s reentrance, he tensed a bit. “W-who was it?” He asked.

“Me.” The voice had Travis’ blood running cold, and his heart racing. Of course it was him, because it was always when Travis needed him least, or most he couldn’t decide, that Nolan was there.

“Nolan, I can't do this right now.” His words were a whimper despite his best efforts to hide his emotions.

“Then let me. Just listen for a minute, please.” Nolan pleaded, not peeling his eyes from Travis’ body that stood, completely ridgid, just a few feet in front of him.

When Travis doesn’t move, or respond, Nolan takes a small step closer and starts talking. “I’m a shitty friend, you are right, but it’s not because I don’t care about you Trav.” He paused, taking a deep shaky breath, before continuing. “I care too much, and it terrifies me. I don’t know how else to explain it I just-“ Nolan groaned, unable to voice his emotions as per usual.

Travis didn’t react, couldn’t really. He couldn’t find it in himself to turn around, nor did he want Nolan to see the pained look on his face. He barely even flinched as Nolan’s arms wrapped around his midsection, though he couldn't help but lean into Nolan slightly.

Nolan placed a gentle kiss to the top of Travis’ head, before resting his chin there. “M’sorry, I really am.” He mumbled, his grip tightening around Travis.

“I know, Nolan- I just,” Travis spoke, trying to stop the pounding in his chest, “What do you want from me? What is this?”

Travis could feel, just as much as he could hear the sigh that left Nolan. “Do we have to label it?” His words are whiny, and though they aren’t meant to hurt, Travis felt their blow.

“Well how am I supposed to know what to do here Nolan if I don’t even know what you want?” Travis couldn’t sort through his emotions. He felt angry, annoyed, sad, and yet also optimistic all at once. It was enough to have his head spinning.

Nolan could sense his internal turmoil, and grips Travis’ hips to spin him around in his grasp. Nolan’s eyes drop to Travis’ lips, and when Travis’ tongue runs over them, Nolan pressed his lips to them.

The kiss wasn’t heated, but it was desperate in a different way. As if Nolan was trying to tell Travis the words he couldn’t say through the kiss.

Travis sighed against him, falling deeper into his grasp, his hands found Nolan’s face attempting to deepen the kiss, but Nolan pulled away. “I just want you Trav. Okay? Just you all for myself, and I know it’s selfish, but I’m not ready to yell it from the rooftops when I’m not even sure what it is.”

“Okay.” Travis whispered, placing a gentle kiss to Nolan’s lips.

“Okay?” Nolan didn’t seem to believe Travis, as he looked back into Travis eyes, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Just take me back to our room please?” The look on Travis' face, had Nolan giving in more quickly than he’d care to admit.

“Okay but only if we can cuddle.”

“Deal.”

———

As the end of the regular season neared it became more and more clear the Flyers would not be making the playoffs. It was disheartening, but Travis couldn’t find it in himself to be sad. Instead he found himself daydreaming, more frequently than not, about what the off season would hold for him and Nolan.

Their future seemed so bright, and Travis had never been happier. Nolan, although not super eager to share whatever it was happening between them, was amazing. They spent almost all of their free time together, and even when they couldn’t Nolan made sure to sneak in a goodbye kiss no matter where they were. And the sex? Well that was incredible, but that’s not all it was for Travis, because he was in love. Hopelessly and irreversibly in love with Nolan Patrick.

“Everything alright there babe?” The pet name had Travis’ heart fluttering, and a smile forming on his lips.

“Never better.” Travis smiled up at Nolan over his shoulder. The pair had spent their day off together, and though they were supposed to take it easy, Nolan had just returned from a run.

“Oh yeah?” Nolan asked, eyebrows raising in amusement. Travis nodded lazily in response, his smile never faltered.

“Come home with me.” Travis words weren’t a question, they hardly even sounded like a suggestion. Instead they sounded a lot like a plea.

“Trav-“ Nolan’s voice was warning and sad all at once. His eyes screamed at Travis to move on from this topic of conversation, but Travis is too stubborn.

“It’s not like it’d be the first time! Please baby, I wanna take you home.” He whined, causing Nolan to roll his eyes to try and hide the grin on his face.

“Fine, but we aren’t telling them, right?” Travis fought to hide the grimace Nolan’s words caused. Sure, he knew he wasn’t ready to tell them, but he didn’t even know what exactly there was to tell them.

“No of course not, but I can’t go a full summer without you.” Nolan pressed a kiss to the top of Travis’ head, running a hand through his hair before it found a home on his cheek.

“I gotta go home first though, just for a few days. I’ll just meet you there okay?” The small frown that formed on Travis’ face, had Nolan’s heart sinking. “It won’t be long, promise.”

———

‘It won’t be long’ turned out to be over a month. When Nolan finally landed at the Toronto airport, Travis felt giddy. The night before he could only equate the feeling in his stomach to that feeling he got before a big school trip as a kid. Electric.

It took everything in him not to kiss Nolan as soon as he was close enough, but he managed. Settling, instead, for the tightest hug he could manage.

“Missed you.” Nolan mumbled into Travis shoulder as he gave him an extra squeeze in place of the kiss he so badly wanted to place on his lips.

The whole drive back to Travis’ summer home, Nolan is sure they should have crashed a minimum of six times. Travis couldn’t keep his eyes on the road, or his hands on the wheel, both wanting instead to be occupied by Nolan.

“Wanna pop the trunk there Trav?” Nolan asked, as he stood there waiting to grab his bags.

“Those can wait.” Travis smirked, making grabby hands at Nolan as he walked backwards toward the house.

Nolan knew then, watching Travis climb the stairs to the front door sending a wink back over his shoulder, that today was going to be the worst day of his life.

———

“You okay Patty?” Nolan groaned, both at the nickname and the question that Travis must have asked him 10 times in the 5 hours they’ve spent together.

“Why are you so worried?” Nolan knows he should say he’s fine, but he couldn’t seem to find it in his heart to lie to Travis. He couldn’t break his heart twice.

“Because I love you Nolan.” Travis buried his face into Nolan’s bare chest, his heart beating rapidly at his admission. It felt good though, like a weight that he’d been holding for years, had finally lifted. He was in love, totally head over heels.

Nolan was having a very different response to Travis’ admission. On one hand, Nolan was over the moon, knowing Travis felt just as strongly about him, as he did Travis. The happiness however, was greatly outweighed by the feeling of dread mixed with an overwhelming wave of nausea. He couldn’t do this to Travis, it’s as if the world hated him.

“I’m leaving.” Nolan’s words were vague, and obviously not the response Travis had been hoping for. As Travis lifted his head, Nolan immediately wished he hadn’t.

Nolan could practically see Travis crumbling as he tried to process the words. “W-what do you mean?”

“Fuck! I don’t want to do this!” Nolan’s voice was loud and angry, and yet Travis seemed to understand none of them were directed at him. “I’m not going back to Philly Trav. They,” tears began to well in Nolan’s eyes, his cheeks an impossible shade of pink. “They’re trading me.”

It was coming. It always was. Travis knew that, so did Nolan. So why did it hurt so bad?

“No.” Travis couldn’t process it, didn’t want to. He tried to convince himself he misheard, and somehow this was all a sick joke. The tears that were falling down Nolan’s cheeks at a steady rate, was more than enough indication that it was not in fact a joke. “No, they can’t do this! I just got you, I can’t- I love you Nolan!” None of Travis' sentences, or thoughts for that matter, made sense, nor were they complete. His words were desperate and raw, and that broke Nolan more than he knew a person could be broken.

“I’m so sorry baby, I’m so sorry.” Nolan repeated the sentiment over and over as he held Travis to himself.

They stayed like that, crying in each other's arms, for hours. Neither spoke much. Just Nolan whispering the occasional apology into Travis’ hair, or Travis muttering to himself about how unfair it all is. It’s as if they were attempting to hold each other together as they fell apart. Beautiful and heartbreaking.

———

One week. That’s how long they’d have together before Nolan headed off to Winnipeg once again to be with his family. One week of falling more deeply in love with each other, only to be ripped apart indefinitely. One week of making memories that will haunt them for life.

It seemed stupid to spend the week together. At least Travis had thought it was, yet if a week was all he had left, he wasn’t about to give it up.

Trying to fill the week with fun things to do, Travis suggested they go to the zoo. Nolan, not very interested in spending the day in public looking at caged animals, couldn’t stop himself from agreeing as Travis lay half dressed, curled into his side, with a dopey smile on his face.

As the pair stood at the gorilla exhibit, Travis watched on in amazement. A lazy smile never seemed to leave his face, and yet Nolan couldn’t do it. Couldn’t bring himself to smile for more than a few seconds when Travis looked back at him. He couldn’t even bring himself to look at the animals, instead he watched the people that passed him by.

There were kids with bright eyes and excitement radiating off of them, young people with cameras hoping to capture the perfect photo, and couples. Couples from every stage in life. Some young and nervous, others with young children, and some old still seemingly as in love as they were the day they married. It’s not fair.

Nolan feels as though it’s him inside an enclosure. The rest of society gawking at the man who will never be able to love again. He was trapped in a stupid trade, and he hated himself because he wanted to go.

Nolan knew it was necessary for his career, he needed a fresh start. As he watched Travis feeding some ducks though, he selfishly wanted to take Travis with him.

“Hey Trav?” Nolan’s voice was quiet, and his heart was in his throat as Travis smiled up at him before leaning into his side.

“What’s up?” Travis’ brow furrowed as he clued into the emotions swimming in Nolan’s eyes.

Nolan looked deep into Travis’ eyes then, wishing he could ignore the words threatening to fall past his lips and just kiss him instead. He couldn’t though. They were in public and he couldn’t keep lying to himself, or Travis. So with one deep breath, Nolan ran his hands over his thighs to stop the shaking, and opened his mouth to speak the truth. His truth.

“I love you.”

Travis opened his mouth to say something, but quickly shut it again. His eyes began to tear up, and a small, but pained smile broke out across his face. “I- I love you too. Always have.”

“I want you to come with me.” Nolan shouldn’t have added that part. His admission had already been too much for the middle of the zoo, and yet he couldn’t help himself. He needed Travis to know it hurt him too, more deeply than he had thought anything could.

“I can’t Nolan, you know that better than anyone.” Travis sighed, turning away from Nolan putting too much space in between them. “Let’s just go home.”

———

Travis had barely spoken a word since they left the zoo, neither had Nolan, but he never had much to say anyway. Nolan would rather be in his own head. He decided then, however, that seeing Travis in his own head was awful.

Walking into Travis’ kitchen, Nolan watched him for a moment. Travis was staring blankly out the window, the dishes in the sink he had intended to wash, long since abandoned.

Nolan wrapped his arms tightly around Travis’ waist, placing a kiss to his shoulder. “M’sorry babe, please just forget I said anything okay?” Nolan pleaded his case by trailing feather light kisses up Travis neck.

“No, I’m sorry.” Nolan pulled back, looking over Travis’ face in confusion. “I’m sorry, because I’d go with you in a heartbeat if I could, but I can’t. So…” Travis’ words trailed off as his eyes dropped from the window to the sink in front of him.

Nolan’s head was spinning. Travis had just admitted to wanting to follow him, but he also sounded as though he was about to give Nolan the worst news of his life. “So what Trav?”

“So I can’t do this okay! I can’t ‘almost’ have you! I thought I could, but I can’t sit here and pretend I’m going to be fine.” Travis’ words sounded angry, and he was, but more at the world than at Nolan.

Nolan recoiled slightly at the outburst, taking a step back, hands falling to his sides. “Why does it have to be almost?” Nolan watched on, feeling like a stranger in the kitchen, as Travis whole body seemed to deflate in front of him.

“You’re leaving Nols, do you even know how far Vegas is from Philly? How would that ever work Nolan? It wouldn’t.” Travis rambled on, for what felt like hours to Nolan yet he kept quiet and waited. Let him ask his rhetorical questions. Let him be angry and sad. It wasn’t until his final point, “I think you should leave.” that Nolan couldn’t take it anymore.

“2485.” The numbers flowed past Nolan’s lips like he’d been reciting them in the head his entire life. In a way he had been reciting them, because they hadn’t left his mind since he got the call.

“What?” Travis turned to face him now, the distance between them, although small, felt farther than he would like. He couldn’t comprehend how Nolan’s reaction to him asking Nolan to leave was… a number?

“That’s how far it is. 2484.8 miles from T-mobile Arena to Wells Fargo Center, if you trust google maps that is.” Nolan’s hand scratched at the back of his neck, as he willed the tears from falling. He didn’t want to leave, not now, not for training camp, but he would if he had to.

“Look Trav, if you want me to go,” he paused to take a shaky breath, “I will, but I’m willing to try. Lots of hockey wives and girlfriends do long distance, right? Why can’t we?”

“It’s not that simple, and you know it! We both have crazy schedules and are on opposite sides of the country, what are we supposed to do?” Travis posed his question more as a plea than anything. He wanted what Nolan was saying to be attainable, but he knew deep down that it wasn’t.

“Holidays, the AllStar break, the off season: Trav we can alternate, spend half of our time in Canada here, the other half in Winnipeg, and when we only have the weekend we can spend it in Philly or Vegas. I don’t care how we do it alright? I just want to try.” Nolan gathered Travis' hands in his own, and placed a soft kiss to his forehead. “Please?”

They stood like that awhile. Travis’ arms found themselves wrapped tightly around Nolan’s midsection, and Nolan’s lips stayed pressed gently to Travis’ head. No one spoke a word. Travis was unsure of where to go from here, and Nolan was scared that if he spoke Travis might make him leave.

“Do you really think we can do this?” Travis asked, pulling back to look up into Nolan’s eyes.

“I know that it’d be stupid not to try.” Nolan wasn’t sure, how could he be? The future had always been uncertain, and right then and there it had never felt more uncertain. Yet, in each others’ arms, things felt: hopeful.

———

“This sucks.” Travis whined into the phone pressed between his ear and shoulder. He was attempting to unpack his things into his new apartment, and needless to say, it wasn’t going well.

“Trav,” Nolan’s voice was warning, and Travis could practically hear him rolling his eyes. “It’s been less than 24 hours. You'll get used to the new place soon enough.”

“No I won’t, it doesn’t feel right! I liked my old place better.” Travis pouted, throwing a pair of shoes he will likely never wear to the back of the closet.

“With Karly.” Nolan shouldn’t have said it. He also shouldn’t have felt the jealousy building in his body, but there he was.

“Nolan I-“ Travis started to back pedal, but Nolan quickly cut him off.

“Listen, I gotta go. Talk later.” Then he hung up, leaving Travis upset with himself and Nolan. Maybe this wasn’t going to work after all.

———

Any phone calls and facetimes after that, were short. They didn’t bother talking about the abrupt ending to that first phone call, nor did either party apologize.

“I should go, it’s getting late for you. Good luck tomorrow Trav.” Nolan’s voice was soft, as he smiled gently through the small screen.

“Yeah, thanks.” A silence fell over them for a moment, Travis not quite ready to say goodbye. “Hey Nols?”

Nolan grunted in response, watching Travis closely. He looked nervous, like he was about to give some bad news. Nolan could feel himself sweating as he waited. “You know I love you right?” Travis’ words couldn’t have sounded more sincere, and from what Nolan could tell through the grainy picture on his phone screen, Travis was trying not to cry.

“Y-yeah baby, I know. I’m sorry, I love you too.” Nolan sighed. “I’ll see you soon though yeah?”

Travis smiled at that. “Yeah. Next weekend, it can’t come fast enough.”

“Don’t think I’ll be taking it easy on you though.” Nolan teased, adding a playful wink.

“Please don’t.”

———

The game had gone smoothly for Nolan, tallying a goal and two assists in a win against his former team. He was on fire. He even got named the first star of the game, and he hadn’t been able to wipe the smile from his face the entire game, knowing he’d get to spend the night with Travis.

For Travis though, the game had gone very differently. His team having lost an important game against Vegas was obviously not a great feeling, but it only added to the weight that had been sitting on his chest since warmups.

As the lights had flashed and the Golden Knights took the ice, Travis' eyes searched for the only person he cared to see. Nolan. Though, when his eyes found the man in question, his heart sank. He looked… happy. Too happy.

Travis knew he should feel happy that Nolan is doing so well, but he couldn’t help the overwhelming sadness. Sure, he wanted Nolan to be happy. He did, but not that happy, and not without him.

Travis landed himself in the penalty box 4 times in the first two periods, and found himself benched for the entirety of the third. Today was not his day, and everyone could see him spiraling. Everyone but Nolan that is. Who was smiling more than Travis thinks he had ever seen him smile before, and it was killing him.

———

Coach Alain had given Travis an earful, though if asked, he’s sure he couldn’t repeat a word of it. His mind was elsewhere, and the notification with Nolan’s name next to it on his phone, sat heavily on his palm as he awaited the opportunity to read it. Finally, after most players had already cleared the dressing room, Travis tapped on the notification. It brought him to his text messages, and he couldn’t stop the weak smile that formed when he read it.

Patty: Good game, can’t wait to see you tonight xx

Though Travis didn’t have anywhere close to a ‘good game’ he thanked a higher power that Nolan didn’t come off smug and cocky like he would have in that situation. Travis knew he couldn’t handle that tonight, and it seemed as though Nolan knew the same.

Trav: You too :) Meet you in the parking lot in 15?

Nolan responded quickly, saying he’d be out as soon as he was done with media. Travis shouldn’t have been disappointed, he should have known that after a game like THAT, Nolan would have to answer to the Media. It doesn’t mean that Travis doesn’t wish he could just have Nolan with him now. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t wish he could shelter Nolan from the Vegas media and fans, so they don’t hurt him, change him.

He tried not to think about how strange it felt leaning against Nolan’s car, in a parking lot he barely knew, in a place that wasn’t his. It was Nolan’s though. Vegas was Nolan’s home, without him, and he hated it.

It was a low whistle that pulled Travis back to reality. “I could get used to this!” Nolan smirked, wanting nothing more than to pin Travis to the car and kiss him like his life depended on it. He knew better than that though, so instead he pulled him into a ‘bro hug’.

“Okay?” Nolan asked, as he opened the passenger door for Travis to slide in.

“Yeah I’m good.” He responded, before slipping into the seat. Nolan didn’t believe him, but instead of questioning it, he gently closed the door before rounding the car to get in himself.

Once Nolan had settled in, he placed the key in the ignition, pausing to take in the man next to him. He smiled brightly, as Travis turned to look at him.

“What?” Travis asked, his cheeks warming considerably under Nolan’s gaze.

“You’re really here.” Nolan breathed, leaning over the center console to place a kiss to Travis’ reddening cheek. No other words were shared as the two drove back to Nolan’s.

At some point along the drive, Nolan’s hand found the inside of Travis’ thigh, his thumb rubbing circles over Travis’ dress pants.

“Hey Trav?” Nolan spoke, breaking the comfortable silence as he put the car in park.

“Yeah?” Travis asked, encouraging Nolan to continue as he unbuckled himself.

“It means a lot to me that you’re here. Life has been so much better lately, and you were all that was missing. Having you here means so much to me, so thank you.” As Nolan spoke, he stared out the windshield, cheeks pink and a smile on his face that seemingly hadn’t left since he woke up that morning. The smile, however, quickly fell as he turned to look at Travis, who now had tears streaming down his face.

Nolan immediately pulled Travis to him, and Travis cried into Nolan’s shoulder as the console dug awkwardly into his ribs. “Y-you’re so happy Pat, and I want you to be happy. B- but I’m-I’m not happy.” The words left Travis’ mouth followed closely by a laugh. It’s not that Travis found his situation funny, it’s just that he couldn’t believe it.

Travis couldn’t believe he was being so vulnerable and… and stupid over some guy. Except he wasn’t some guy. He was Nolan freaking Patrick, and Travis was in love with him.

“Why aren’t you happy?”

“Because everything that made Philly good, everything that made Philly home, it’s gone.” Travis became a bit more snappy at Nolan’s question, as he pushed away from him. “You’re gone, and just because life without me is easy for you doesn’t mean it’s easy for me without you okay?”

Travis angrily rubbed at his face, before pushing open the door and pulling himself out of the vehicle.

Nolan stayed frozen in place for a moment, watching as Travis moved with purpose toward the entrance of Nolan’s building. He smirked slightly to himself as he watched Travis stop in front of the door, realizing he can’t storm off any farther. Nolan finally pulls himself from the car and walks toward Travis, “Travis-“

“Can this wait? I can’t do this out here!” Travis groaned in annoyance while gesturing dramatically to the parking garage around them.

Nolan grunted while swiping his key card as he pulled the door open for Travis. Rolling his eyes, Travis pushed past Nolan, as he stifled the sniffle his body threatened him with.

The walk to Nolan’s apartment was quiet, and Travis followed a few feet behind the entire way. He spent the time kicking himself for having said anything at all, because he was certain that the moment they walked into Nolan’s apartment, they’d be over.

“Can I speak now?” Nolan asked, leaning against the end of the couch, arms crossed over his chest.

Travis wanted to scream ‘No!’, to just run into his arms, and pretend. Pretend it wasn’t the end. Pretend he never said anything. To pretend he was happy. Instead, Travis nodded.

“We will get to how you’re feeling in a second, because that’s very important, but I need to clear the air here.” Nolan took a deep breath, his eyes softened as he looked at Travis who stood in the entryway. “You said that life for me is easy without you, do you really think that?” The last few words were barely choked out, as Nolan’s emotions began to get the better of him.

Travis felt small. And not in a good way. He felt as though he was slipping through non-existent cracks in Nolan’s laminate flooring, and directly out of his life. He had nowhere to go and nothing to do, but face the truth. “Yeah, I do.”

Nolan flinched at Travis' response, as if someone had shot at him. “Trav- I’m- fuck! I’m sorry it seems that way, but I need you to know that is so far from the truth! Being without you is hell!”

“What do you expect me to think? You’ve been miserable in Philly, and the moment you touch down in Vegas it’s like everything is better! You’re playing well, smiling more, no migraines, no shitty Philly fans, and no me.” Travis explained, smiling weakly in Nolan’s direction and hoping it portrayed his understanding. Travis understood, he did, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

“You’re wrong.” Nolan stated matter-of-factly. “Sure, I’m playing better, I’m having fewer headaches, and I’m away from the Philly fans, but that’s not why I’m happy, and it certainly has nothing to do with being away from you. Baby, I’m not happy because I got away from you. I’m happy because I’m WITH you! This distance fucking sucks, but I’ve got everything else going for me right now. All of the things I’ve been waiting for: a promising future in the league, better health, and the man of my fucking dreams. So, no I’m not completely satisfied with the long-distance, but fuck you make me so happy Travis, you have no idea.”

As Nolan’s words seeped slowly through the walls Travis had built up to defend himself, he couldn’t have felt more relief. Nolan didn’t want to leave him, and he wasn’t okay without him, because he never was really without him. “Can I speak now?” Travis smirked, mirroring Nolan’s words from mere minutes ago.

Nolan chuckled slightly, but encouraged Travis to speak. “I love you, and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” The second apology came out sounding more like a sob of relief, and within seconds Nolan’s arms were around Travis, holding him tightly.

“I love you too Trav.”

———

“Do you have regrets about not proposing to Karly? Not marrying her?”

The question was asked simply, and like it’s implications weren’t that heavy, but they were. Travis stared wide eyed at his therapist, hoping she would move on to something else and quickly.

After that night he spent at Nolan’s, Travis had promised Nolan that as soon as he was back in Philly he would make an appointment with a therapist. So, he did, and he’s been seeing her every week since then.

It started out well, mostly just venting. However, they eventually got to the point where she knew the whole story, and she then began the tedious process of unpacking the trauma. That was not where Travis had expected to start, nor did he know the answer.

“No. I don’t think so?” Travis’ response came out sounding more like a question than an answer, and he hated the look his therapist shot back.

“Do you want to get married?”

Did he?

“Yeah, but I can’t. Things are different now.”

And they were different. Travis wondered if his therapist realized she just gave Travis more to worry about, because until that moment he hadn’t thought about how impossible marriage would be for him and Nolan. Maybe retirement would be kinder to them, but Travis wouldn’t wish an early retirement on either of them just for the sake of marriage. It was only a piece of paper after all.

A piece of paper Travis wanted.

A piece of paper with his name next to Nolan’s.

———

Travis was nervous. The whole thing felt eerily similar to the day he had picked up Nolan from the airport a year ago. He’d swear up and down that he could feel it in his bones the moment the plane touched down. Philly felt right again, because Nolan was home.

Home. That wasn’t the right word, because Vegas was Nolan’s new home with his new friends and his new fans. Thanks to his therapy, Travis was becoming more and more okay with the thought of that. The more he thought of it, the more he came to realize, Philly wasn’t his home either. Not anymore.

When Nolan rounded the corner, he felt as though a weight was lifted from his shoulders as a smile snuck its way onto his lips. The moment felt easy and light, yet he knew the weight this week off held for them. Yet, seeing Travis standing by the baggage claim, in his stupid camo hoodie and flyers cap, Nolan couldn’t help but feel happy.

Travis was staring at his hands, nervously picking at the skin around his nails. He was so focused on his nervous habit, he didn’t see or hear Nolan approach. “Waiting for someone?”

Travis bright eyes immediately ripped away from his hands and to the man in front of him. Travis had seen Nolan more times than he could count, and he somehow seemed to become more attractive everytime their eyes met.

Travis wanted to kiss him so badly, but instead snaked his arms tightly around his waist, effectively pulling Nolan flush against him.

“Well hello to you too.” Nolan’s voice was airy and followed by a chuckle that had Travis’ throat constricting, and tears threatening to form in the corners of his eyes.

“Sorry.” Travis mumbled, as he pulled back. His cheeks were tinted pink, and his eyes were glossy, and if it weren’t for the ever growing grin on his lips one may have thought he was sad.

“Don’t be. Let’s get out of here yeah?”

Travis nodded, and followed closely behind Nolan as they retrieved his bag from the carousel.

———

As they neared his car, Travis felt as though he might throw up. He shouldn’t have felt so nervous, but that day felt bigger than any day the two of them had shared together. It could have been the start of something amazing, or the end of everything they had built together. It was both invigorating and terrifying.

Travis couldn’t decide what to feel as he helped Nolan load his bags into the trunk of his car. As Nolan smiled and asked, “Ready?” Travis couldn’t help but appreciate the irony. He was ready, but the question really was: is Nolan?

As the pair got into the car, Travis sighed more loudly than he should have in the moment, and Nolan raised an eyebrow at him. Travis shrugged off the questioning glance and started the car in the direction of his apartment.

They drove in comfortable silence for a while, though Travis swears he could taste his heartbeat (though I’m positive that’s impossible). Through his nerves Travis finally broke the silence, “Hey Pat?”

“Yeah?” Nolan responded, placing his hand on Travis’ knee giving it a reassuring squeeze. Nolan could feel it. Travis’ anxiety was practically pouring off of him now.

“I- um, I need your opinion on something.” Travis attempted a small smirk, and Nolan smiled at the attempt.

Nolan felt a small pang in his chest, he’d been here before. Those words. This car. Déjà Vu? He didn’t object though, instead he squeezed Travis’ knee again in response.

Travis took a deep breath, pulling his eyes briefly from the road in front of him to glance at Nolan. He gave him a small smile before nodding toward the glove compartment. “Open it.”

Nolan looked at Travis sceptically, but he had already returned his gaze to the road. The oncoming traffic lit up his features, and Nolan could see that Travis was nervous. So, without dragging it out too much longer, Nolan did as he was told.

Nolan’s breath hitched in his throat, as he dropped the door to the glove compartment. It crashed gracelessly against his knees, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. Not at that moment. Not with the tiny velvet box that stared back at him.

“Teeks-“ Nolan didn’t know what to say, nor did he really understand what was happening.

“Nolan, open it. Please.” Travis caught Nolan’s eye as he pulled up to a stop light. His eyes pleaded with Nolan, and all Nolan could do was nod as he swallowed the lump forming in his throat.

As the light turned green, Travis pulled through the intersection as Nolan’s shaky hands reached for the box sitting in the glove compartment. Travis’ grip tightened around the steering wheel in anticipation, but he didn’t dare steal another glance at Nolan. He was scared the reaction he’d see wasn’t what he was hoping for, so he stared ahead and waited.

Nolan’s shaking hands slowly pulled open the box. A shiny, yet simple silver ring stared back at him. He stared at it for a moment, the street lights reflecting off of the metal band and back into his eyes. He knew he should say something. Anything really. He wanted to ask what it means. Who it’s for. He was sure he knew the answer, but he couldn’t be sure, and he was terrified either way.

Travis began to feel antsy. The lack of response from Nolan, only seemed to be amplified by the beating of Travis’ heart as it pounded in his ears. Travis couldn’t handle the weird atmosphere that surrounded him, and abruptly turned into the closest parking lot. That just so happened to be an empty Walmart parking lot, but it would have to do.

As Travis, probably too aggressively, threw the car into park, he turned his body toward Nolan. Nolan’s figure was slouched over the tiny box, his long hair acting as a curtain shielding Travis from any sense of what was going on. “Nols?”

His voice seemed to startle Nolan, causing him to immediately straighten his posture before lifting his gaze to Travis’.

When their eyes met, Travis couldn’t be sure what to feel. All he knew was the tears running down Nolan’s face and the deer in headlights look in his eyes, was terrifying.

“I-is this?” Nolan couldn’t finish the question, but Travis got the jist of it.

“It’s an engagement ring.” Travis paused, and waited for something, anything from Nolan. Yet, Nolan didn’t seem to react, so Travis continued, “My therapist asked if I have regrets about not marrying Karly, and when I thought about it I realized something. It was never her. She was safe, but shit Nolan I don’t want to be safe. Yes I want to be married but not to her. So, I’m sorry. I’m sorry if you weren’t ready. Hell we’ve never even talked about this, so maybe this was never the plan but-“

Travis would have probably kept rambling forever if Nolan hadn’t cut him off, so thankfully he did just that.

“Yes.”

“What?” Travis stared at Nolan blankly, unsure of what exactly was happening.

“Jesus Christ Teeks, I’m saying yes! Just yes! I’ll marry you!” Nolan tried to sound annoyed, but the words came out with a chuckle and a wide grin spread across his face.

“Holy shit-'' Travis breathed, an elated grin of his own finding its way onto his lips. He ran a hand through his hair and down his face as he leaned back against his seat, letting out a sigh of relief.

“Hey Trav? Are you going to kiss me or?” Nolan’s smirk in that moment, was the single most beautiful thing Travis is sure he’d ever seen.

So he did, he leaned across the console seat belt digging into his collarbone and kissed him. He kissed him with every ounce of love he had in his body, as he clung to Nolan’s shirt in that Walmart parking lot in Philadelphia. This was it.

When he’s sure he couldn’t breathe like that much longer, Nolan pulled back hesitantly as Travis chased his lips. “Wanna put it on?” Nolan’s words were mumbled and breathless, but Travis felt as though he could cry as he heard them. He’s never felt that happy, not once. Not when he was drafted, not after any tournament he’s ever won. It was by far the best moment of his life. Nolan was his.

With a shaky hand, Travis pulled the ring from the box, dramatically throwing the box into the backseat, pulling a chuckle from Nolan. He then gathered Nolan’s hand in his own, and slipped the ring onto his finger as he fought back the tears forming at the corners of his eyes.

“I love you Nolan. It's always been you.” Travis punctuated his sentence by placing a gentle kiss to Nolan’s knuckles. The cold band of the ring against his lips, a more than welcome sensation.

“I love you too.”

So maybe things weren’t perfect. Maybe hearts were broken, and feelings hurt, but in the end love won. Obstacles still remain, and yet they know they will overcome them, because they have each other. Love always finds away, because what happens in Vegas doesn’t always have to stay there.

[fellowstrangetownappreciator]

Curious and autistic-coded

Hello there! April draws to an end and with that I think it’s high time to hurry up and write this. What does April have to do with anything, you ask? April is the Autism Acceptance Month. So what better month to do this?

Unfortunately I didn’t make it. I failed. It’s already 1. 5. when I’m posting this. But at least I tried to deliver on time.

In this mini essay I’ll present my case about why I think the Curious brothers from TS2 Strangetown display autistic-coded traits and my personal takes on it.

It’s basically your average headcanon post but with a funny top hat!

0: Preface: What do I mean by “autistic-coded”?

When a character is coded as something, it means that they have traits that are associated with the demographics in question to make the consumer knowingly or not link the character with the demographic, although the character's "label” is never explicitly disclosed.

In the nutshell, it means that there are canonical reasons to read the characters as autistic, although you won't find the word "autism" anywhere in the game nor in the developer's commentary.

In this particular case I do believe that the developer may not even be aware of the code, as there is no evidence to suggest otherwise. If there is, I’m not aware of it and I would be happy to learn.

So, let’s start!

1: “The white male who is very good at science”

Unfortunately autistic representation in pop-culture has a long history of being rather straightforward in which traits the characters often have. This stems from the belief that autism is “a boy’s disorder” (that’s why some autism charities to this day use blue in their symbols). Among popular examples of autistic-coded characters are Big Bang Theory’s Sheldon Cooper and Death Note’s L and Near. I’m sure you can think of more but you’ll find that most of them are men and either explicitly white or racially ambiguous white-passing. They also tend to be gifted in tech, logic or other science-y activities.

There’s nothing wrong with that! Nothing wrong with being an autistic with those “stereotypical” characteristics and there is nothing wrong with people being represented. What is wrong is the monotony and afab people/people of color being underrepresented which leads (among other factors) to harder access to diagnosis and resources for those people in real life. But! That’s a topic for a different day. (and not for a simbrl, mind you)

Back to the Curiouses! I just wanted to say that autism in media is traditionally associated with characters whose gender presentation, race and interests align with theirs. Those characteristic thus make a very convenient template for autistic-coding.

2: Inconsistent performance, huge gaps between strengths and weaknesses

Pascal, Vidcund and Lazlo are very skilled Sims by default, extraordinarily even for their age. Pascal has a skill maxed while his younger brothers both near maxing theirs.

But as you can see in Pascal’s default skill panel, apart from Creativity, all his other skills are extremely low, 0 points for Mechanical, Body and Charisma, 1 point for Cooking and Logic and his second best skill, Cleaning, has only 3 points. The same situation can be observed in Vidcund’s and Lazlo’s, except their strong suits are Logic and Cooking respectively.

Huge discrepancies within performance in different cognitive areas is a common trait found in those on the autism spectrum. We’re often talking extremes here and the scale of the difference is the defining factor. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, it’s just in neurodivergent people those tend to be unusually noticeable.

I think that skills, simplified as they are, are the closest The Sims has to possibly simulate that because they track the character’s performance and expertise in different areas and allow comparison. In real life, of course, this comparison is not nearly as possible and exact, nor desired, but for all our analysis-loving enthusiasm, here we’re still talking fictional characters.

3: Struggle with social cues

It is widely known that one of autistic traits are difficulties with processing social situations, picking social cues and successfully replicating socially desired behavioral patterns.

But these three are Sims, are they not? They cannot possibly display this trait, since they’re programmed the same way as others.

Yes and no.

It is true that there is no specific in-game feature that would allow Sims to behave with explicit neurodivergency in mind* but with the right combination of traits they can simulate behavior that really hits close to home for neurodivergent players.

*at least not in TS2, TS3 has traits that simulate some possible neurodivergencies but their names tend to be rather... ableist unfortunate and they’re not relevant to this post since they’re not autism related, and even if they were, we’re focusing on TS2 exclusively

Let’s take look at Lazlo here. He is, indeed, a playful soul. He likes to goof around, tell jokes, make others laugh. And since he’s very close to his brother Vidcund, close enough even to Tell Dirty Joke (an interaction that needs quite a high relationship to unlock), he autonomously does just that.

And oh boy, does Vidcund disapprove.

From my personal experience playing them, their relationship usually takes quite a hit from every cheeky joke Lazlo throws Vid’s way. They usually autonomously repair it very quick but it happens often.

But that’s a standard behavior. Vidcund’s very serious, he doesn’t take well to jokes.

No. I mean technically yes, Vid is definitely a grumpy old plant dad but, at least in my game, he tends to accept Lazlo’s jokes. All kinds of them, actually, except for the dirty ones. And Pascal, who technically has even lower Playful points (0 in comparison to Vidcund’s 4), doesn’t seem to mind Lazlo’s poor attempts at grown-up humor.

But! What is it that makes Lazlo try still? What drives him to attempt to make Vidcund laugh with a dirty joke over and over again? (and fail?)

I my interpretation, Lazlo doesn’t do that on purpose, he is just really poor at evaluating “dirtiness” of a given joke and frequently misinterprets Vidcund’s cues. The animation of a dirty joke being rejected even supports that as Vid doesn’t signal his discomfort with any exaggerated easy-to-read facial expression until Lazlo gets to his punchline.

No only that but as I mentioned, the invisible lines between spicy and too vulgar are often hard to thread. I can recall many times I thought I was saying a witty quip on an “adult” topic and was met with awkward silence or someone shushing me because “that’s not how you speak in public”. I can well imagine myself in Lazlo’s shoes.

A situation of social cues being misinterpreted or ignored can be observed also in Vidcund. Programming-wise, those are just his low Niceness and extreme Shyness showing but combined they again paint a picture of a very neurodivergent-looking behavioral pattern.

He often behaves like the concept of politeness or social rules doesn’t exist because the combination of the aforementioned traits makes him come off very blunt (lecturing and shoving telescope-peepers with no warning whatsoever) and distant (having a high chance of rejecting simple small-talk socials).

(That’s Jasmine Rai casting the “Summon Vidcund” spell.)

Yes, I am fully aware that it makes a stronger case for him being an a**hole than autistic but... there’s no reason he can’t be both. Not all autistic people are sweet cinnamon buns, all personalities you can think of can be neurodiverse and, for some their neurodiversity can even amplify their inconsiderate ways, as I believe it is the case with our dear grouch Vidcund.

4. Their bios

“No matter what happens, Pascal believes there is a logical explanation for everything. In his free time, he practices home psychoanalysis and collects conspiracy theories.”

(that’s how I imagine practicing psychoanalysis looks like, sorry Freud)

“Serious and exact, Vidcund strives to fit the universe into a nice tidy package. He has an unnatural fondness for African violets.”

(let’s collectively pretend those are African violets)

“Not as studious as his older brothers, Lazlo got his degree in Phrenology. He likes to call phone psychics and spends hours trying to bend forks with his mind.”

*error: screenshot of Lazlo bending forks not found*

(but here he is hanging out with Erin Beaker, the closest thing to “calling phone psychics” you can actually do in-game)

Both Pascal’s and Vidcund’s bios point to a pattern-focused worldview with a strong emphasis on rationality as the center-point that anchors the way they understand the world around them and build their principles on. This “pattern-ization” of thinking is a common autistic trait, with rationality being a popular theme because emotions tend to be difficult to access and asses for many of us.

Lazlo’s biography is an outlier. But it still has something significant in common with those of his brothers: All three of their bios allude to a potential special interest of sorts.

Special interests as an autism-related term are very specific, in-depth and long-term hobbies or areas of expertise that make an autistic person happy and they tend to go to seemingly exhausting lengths, often at the cost of other areas of knowledge and most likely the person’s ability to talk about anything else for a long enough time. (a loving hyperbole, no disrespect meant) Mine are my characters and cats. An even more intense but a short(er)-term passion is called a hyperfixation.

Them potentially having a special interest is yet another possible autistic-coded feature.

5. Wait. Why does it matter?

Right. What does it matter if a Sim (A SIM) (or two or three) is autistic? What do I hope to achieve, pushing my autistic Curiouses agenda down your throats?

I got to write a long rant-piece about some of my favorite TS characters and I feel like I can finally die satisfied.

Apart from that and me sharing my happiness of finding some good pixels I can relate to, it is a matter of representation.

Remember by the very beginning I wrote how most of the representation our community gets in media tends to be just a one specific type of character?

And how the Curious brothers seem to fit the stereotype to a point?

There is something I omitted, something I saved for the last on purpose.

The role. The role in their story, the role in the society the piece of media portrays.

We often see neurodiverse, autistic or autistic-coded character as children, students, villains, lone savants, victims in distress, comedic relief sidekicks, either very vulnerable and needing protection, or detached and having their role defined only by their academic prowess or their special interest/profession.

What we rarely get to see them as, are... parents.

That’s what many of us autistics are or plan to be someday in the future. The dogma around autism has started to dwindle relatively recently and there are little to no examples of autistic adults being the care-givers for once in the media around us.

The Curious brothers are just that. They are chaotic, they are eccentric, they can be a little too much... but they are dutiful and loving fathers/uncles to their little aliens they raise.

They make it work. Even if they face difficulties, even if they don’t exactly fit the standard.

“Sometimes, a family truly can be three brothers raising alien babies, and it’s beautiful.”

It encourages us to define family by love rather than traditional structures and it shows us that portrait of a functional neurodiverse family we need to see.

And goodness, is it a powerful sight.

[vaporwrites-archived]

There's Always Room For Another

Minors, this story is not for you. This is a KiriBaku x Transmasculine AFAB Reader. As time goes on, I will add on triggers. This is meant to be a long term fic that will eventually become a lemon. Until then it will stay orange - lime. I will give content warnings at the beginning of every chapter. Please comment if I miss any. There will be sex mentions peppered throughout. This is an act of fiction in which all characters are written to be at least the age of 21 years old. I do not claim any rights to the characters in this story, nor do I intend to. All characters in this story are owned by Kohei Horikoshi.

Read on AO3

Read on Wattpad

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

Chapter 6 is here!

Kirishima made a quick trip to McDonald's and back, picking up as many chicken nuggets as he could, as well as a Bai Big Mac meal and a Bai Egg Cheeseburger for himself, and Bai Spicy Chicken Sandwich meal with another thing of nuggies for bakugo and a few extra orders of fries for a communal fry pile, knowing that communal fries made everything better. Things were great as he carried the food and drinks in, planning on fixing this entire situation. He went to get Katsuki first, "Food's here," he called into the room before going to knock on your door once...twice...three times, "Y/N? Are you in there?" he said, knowing he knocked loud enough to wake you up. When you didn't answer, he started to worry and knocked again, walking back out to the kitchen. "Bakubro, do you know where y/n went?" he asked, and the man looked up, "What? I never heard the door open, what do you mean 'where' they went? They went to their room earlier!" he said, getting a little pissed off and standing up. He walked over to the room, knocking on the door, "Open up, dumbass or I'm coming in!" he shouted, banging on the door which surprised Kiri for some reason. "Bro, calm down, he may be asleep," he said, to which he received a quick, "Or he could be dead, he needs to open this goddamn door," he replied, pulling his wallet out and using an old debit card to unlock the door and shoving it open to find...nothing.

Kirishima looked confused, "Are you absolutely sure you didn't hear anyone come or go," he asked, meanwhile Bakugo began to blow up your phone, stressed and wanting to find out exactly where you went. After all, they had shit to talk about. He next went into your bathroom, making sure you weren't in there either and beginning to pace, "I'm gonna kill that idiot!" He shouted, walking out of the room as sparks began erupting from his palms, clearly and visibly distressed at your absence when they needed to talk about things like yesterday. Kirishima chased after him, turning up around, and activating his quirk before pressing the blonde's palms over his chest, putting his own over his, "Hey come on, calm down, I'm sure they just went out for a walk to clear his head. It happens, just breathe okay? We probably should talk about this too," he said, slowly leading him to the table as his hands shook and anxiety, fear, and anger welled up in his chest. He was not a happy man at this time, stressed and not knowing what he was going to do or say about this. "Okay, so I just wanted a communal nap, then he ended up on top of you, and he ran away. Does he have any trauma in his past?" he asked, beginning to go down the list of reasons one would panic upon waking up in the bed with their roommates who were men. "In general or involving men specifically?" he added, and Katsuki thought about it. He really...didn't know. "I-I don't fucking know, why am I supposed to know that?" He asked, and Kirishima paused. "Okay, it's fine if you don't know everything about him. Um, do you know if you've made him uncomfortable recently?" he asked, grabbing a pen and paper and listing a few reasons why this would be a problem and picking at his fries. He put a question mark next to trauma, knowing you may have never told him. "I mean, not really? We watched a movie and fell asleep, and other than that I've not done anything unusual. He'd say something, right?" he asked, picking at his nuggets and knowing he needed to eat even if he wasn't hungry.

Kiri marked off 'recently made uncomfortable' and looked at the other options. "Is he sick?" he asked, dreading the last one a bit. Katsuki frowned and thought about it, "No, I don't think he's sick," he replied after a moment, starting to get worried. Kiri marked that off the list and paused. "Are you sure he had absolutely no trauma with men?" he asked, and Katsuki growled, "I said I don't know! His house was the safe spot growing up, idiot, he didn't tell me anything and I didn't notice anything otherwise I would have blown his family to pieces!" he said, working on his dinner and getting pissed off. "Why are you focusing on that, there's another thing on the list there, right?" he asked, grabbing for it and snatching it out of his boyfriend's hands as Kiri grimaced. He saw the last option and paused because it read: 'Romantic attraction?' before looking at him. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? We're just friends, shitty hair!" he said, looking confused. "He doesn't like me like that," he added, feeling the need to defend himself before Kiri put his hands up a bit, "Hey, let me explain. So if it's this, it's okay, but you need to listen to me. I'm not saying this is how you feel, I'm saying this may be how he feels. I mean come on, you didn't know that I had a crush on you until the graduation party when I kissed you on accident. Four years is a long time not to know someone has a crush on you, isn't there a possibility you may not notice it from someone else too?" he suggested gently, working on his food and hoping that was the case at this point because he's rather his friend not be traumatized.

Bakugo frowned, dropping the paper, "I guess maybe I wouldn't know what someone else feels about me if they don't tell me. I'm not a mind reader, you know," he grumbled, putting the paper aside and finishing his food. By now, it was around 1am and he was worried sick, but he knew that it was best not to assume so he never had. Kirishima, meanwhile, noted his face, how a flush took it over as he considered the thought and paused. "Well, I mean, he is pretty cute. And we're all really close," he started, and Bakugo's vermillion gaze locked onto his, "What the fuck are you saying man?" he asked, stressed out and about half a second from leaving to clear his head himself. Kiri took a breath, "I'm saying, if you have those feelings for him too, I wouldn't be averse to dating him and you. I can be flexible, and then you two could also date. We'd just all be dating each other, you know?" Kirishima suggested, hoping his boyfriend would be reasonable and consider it. Bakugo was...frustrated and confused, to say the least. What did he mean, if Bakugo liked y/n too, he was raised that a couple was that, two people, and it didn't make sense for him to date more than one, wouldn't that be cheating? These thoughts ran through his head and he buried his face in his hands, shaking and not wanting to confront these emotions at one in the morning.

Kiri gently began rubbing his back, having a feeling the man was overwhelmed and worrying that he may have pushed too far. However, sometimes with his boyfriend, that was necessary. "It's okay if you feel that way for both of us, man. I'm not gonna be hurt or upset. Granted I've never dated anyone like that, but we can try. It's okay." he said, and when he looked closer, he noted the man was crying. That was...rare to say the least, but Kiri wanted to be supportive, "Hey it's okay," he cooed out. Most people would expect him not to be a man who was okay with other men crying, but he felt like it was really manly to be in tune with his emotions and to take care of himself. Men who were afraid to cry were usually insecure and rude, so he swore long ago not to be like that. He pulled him close as his boyfriend cried, needing to let it out finally. It took some time, but eventually, his sobs subsided and he relaxed against his boyfriend, tired and just wanting a solution to this. "So...all three of us date if it's the last option?" Bakugo asked quietly, looking up at him with puffy eyes. Kiri shrugged, "It seems like the best option, just...how to bring it up to him when he gets back..." he said, worried about how he'd handle that.

[latte-fairytaekwoon]

𝑀𝑎𝑓𝑖𝑎! 𝐴𝑡𝑒𝑒𝑧: 𝑇ℎ𝑒𝑖𝑟 𝐷𝑎𝑢𝑔ℎ𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑆𝑡𝑎𝑟𝑡𝑠 𝐷𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔

Disclaimer: In no way am I condoning, supporting, justifying or encouraging mafia activities or lifestyle. This is all fictional and not meant to represent real life scenarios.

꧁𝓚𝓲𝓶 𝓗𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓳𝓸𝓸𝓷𝓰꧂

"Mom! Dad's being annoying again!"

You walked into the office only to see your daughter huffing with arms crossed as your husband sat in his chair, busy writing something down.

"What is it this time?" You mentally prepared yourself to hear some silly thing.

"It's nothing dear. I already told her I'm considering allowing her classmate to take her to the school's dance." Hongjoong responded as if he wasn't guilty of anything.

"See? He usually says no. So what's the problem?" You asked your daughter.

"He's making an 'application to date my daughter' to give to my date!" Your daughter exclaimed.

"What?" You walked over to Hongjoong and snatched the paper away from him and began quoting some of it:

"Thank you for your interest? Please allow 4 to 6 years for processing? If you've been rejected, you will be notified by 2 men carrying violin cases? Any false information may result in punishment by dismemberment, crucifixion, Chinese water torture?!"

"Kim Hongjoong!" You threw the paper back at him.

"What?! I'm only trying to look out for my baby! I only want the best for her." He defended himself.

"At this point, you might as well send me to a convent!" Your daughter furiously marched away to go lock herself in her room.

"Are you happy now?" You raised an eyebrow at Hongjoong.

"Not yet. But once I finish these last details on the application, I will be." He smiled as he resumed his task.

You threw your hands up in anger. "You're unbelievable!"

Hongjoong looked back at you and stuck his tongue out.

"If you were me, you'd do the same!"

꧁𝓟𝓪𝓻𝓴 𝓢𝓮𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓱𝔀𝓪꧂

Seonghwa kept pacing back and forth in the living room, unable to calm down.

"Would you please stop it?" You finally told him, annoyed by his fidgeting.

"Stop what?" He asked rather confused.

"That! Stop being so dramatic about this. You knew this would happen sooner or later." You reminded him.

"And I sincerely hoped it'd be a lot later. Waaay later." Seonghwa sighed.

"It's just a first date. It's not like sending one of your rookies out on their first mission." You joked to lighten the mood.

"There's a huge difference... this is my daughter we're talking about! My daughter! My beacon of light in this dark world." He pouted.

"Speaking of which, here she comes!" You pointed to your daughter, who is happily skipping over to you two.

"Look mom! What do you think?! Do you think he'll like it?!" She asked as she twirled around in a sparkly red dress.

"You look gorgeous honey. Of course he'll like it! Right Seonghwa?"

You turned to Seonghwa, who just stood there awkwardly, his eye was visibly twitching.

"Does.....does it have to be that short?" He asked.

He let out a yelp of pain when you elbowed him on his side. He looked over at you and you silently warned him to behave.

Sighing, he smiled at your daughter. "You're absolutely beautiful darling."

She beamed with happiness and hugged you both before running out the door once she heard a car beeping. Seonghwa just watched her as she left.

"See? That wasn't so bad right? The overprotective dad mode isn't necessary."

Seonghwa laughed awkwardly at that.

"Haha....yeah right."

As soon as you were out of sight, he took out his phone and dialed a number.

"All units on sector 3 better report to me any sign of physical contact that happens between them. Over."

꧁𝓙𝓮𝓸𝓷𝓰 𝓨𝓾𝓷𝓱𝓸꧂

"It's already 2:31, she's late." Yunho blurted out.

"What are you talking about?" You asked him.

"I mean school is over at 2, it's only a 30 minute drive from here to there and vice versa. They're late, we gotta make sure they're all right."

You grabbed his arm when he sprinted from the couch.

"Yunho, it's only been 1 minute-"

"2 minutes now actually." He corrected you.

You sighed, praying for patience.

"Point is, it's her first day of school, maybe there was a lot of traffic and you're overreacting. She'll be here soon." You tried to calm him down.

Yunho sat back down and huffed. "I still say we should have just home schooled her."

"Public school isn't going to kill her!" You argued.

"I got the best tutors and professors on speed dial. They're more than willing to give my daughter the best education money can buy!" Yunho repeated what he's been saying for months.

"She needs to learn to interact with people, develop social skills. You're making a fuss over nothing. It's only the first day, and see? Where's the danger? What's the problem so far?" You tried reasoning with him.

"Problem is..... she's not here!" He exclaimed.

Right at that moment, your 6 year old daughter came running in, straight to her father's arms.

"She's here now, and in one piece." You told him.

"Hi sweetheart. Did you have fun today?" He asked as he bounced your daughter in his lap.

"Very! We got to paint, and play around, and at recess, a boy asked me to be his girlfriend and I said sure!" She babbled happily.

Yunho's smile dropped when he heard that last part. He looked over at you, and you were just on the verge of laughing at his reaction.

"See?! Now we got a problem! Some boy is already trying to take my daughter away and corrupt her!" He whined.

"Oh relax Yunho! They're 6 years old! The worst that can happen right now is he gets her sick or something." You shook your head at him.

Yunho held your daughter and looked at her seriously.

"Honey, listen to me. Stay away from boys, they have cooties and they're evil vicious villains who'll just hurt you. Ok? Can you do that for daddy?" He made puppy dog eyes at her.

You face palmed at him.

꧁𝓚𝓪𝓷𝓰 𝓨𝓮𝓸𝓼𝓪𝓷𝓰꧂

"You know Yeosang, you've been having a lot more drinks than usual...." San pointed it out to him.

"I wanna drink tonight to forget and pretend like today didn't just happen." Yeosang said as he downed another shot.

"Yeosang, we've all been there like you were tonight. Trust me, you'll get over it." Wooyoung reminded him.

"Not me! I was the most supportive out of all of you! I was the perfect dad." San smiled, his cute dimples on full display.

"Hey! I was supportive as well!..... sort of. ." Yeosang replied sheepishly.

"Oh yeah? What happened then? Do tell us." Mingi rested his face in his hand, ready to hear Yeosang's story.

Yeosang began reminiscing about what happened a few hours before:

He stood there awkwardly, the young lad that was taking his daughter to prom right in front of him, trying his best to make a great impression of him. But Yeosang wasn't making it easy with his cold icy stare. He just couldn't believe someone was daring to come between him and his daughter.

"I'm ready!"

They both turned and looked over at you and your daughter, all dressed to perfection. The boy's breath was taken away and he was almost drooling. Meanwhile, Yeosang was clenching his fist so much it almost drew blood. After taking so many pictures, she hugged you both goodbye. The boy went to shake Yeosang's hand, but Yeosang instead pulled him in for a caring and ,somewhat suspicious, hug.

"Well then?" Hongjoong asked, snapping him back to reality.

Yeosang gulped.

"Ok. So I may or may not have threatened to cut off his balls if he tried anything...."

꧁𝓒𝓱𝓸𝓲 𝓢𝓪𝓷꧂

Even though San was extremely close to your daughter and yes he was protective of her, he was also overjoyed and very supportive when she asked for permission to go on a date. He immediately stood up and began bombarding her with questions:

"Who was the boy? Where did you meet? How long have you two known each other? Where do you guys wanna go? How much will you need? Want me to set you guys up at an expensive restaurant? Are you two in love?"

On the day of the actual date, he seemed more excited than your own daughter. He actually hired a photographer to capture every single moment.

"Ok honey I think that's enough photos, the kids might lose their reservation." You tried to make sure they actually made it to the date.

San gasped. "Oh right right! Well you kids have fun and don't worry about paying! I rented the whole thing out for you two!"

He pulled your daughter in for a tight and squishy hug, reminding her how much he loved her and to take care. He also gave the boy a firm pat on the back before watching them get in the limousine and drive away. Even after a few minutes, he stood there silently.

He sighed happily.

"They grow up so fast.....it feels like it was only yesterday when I held her in my arms for the first time....."

You watched San and could tell he was getting emotional.

"Are you going to cry?" You asked him.

"Me? Cry? Pssht! I'm Choi San, the manliest man of all mafia leaders and I do not cry!" He declared bravely.

He then stood there awkwardly before turning back to you. Sighing, you opened your arms.

"Come here. Let it all out." You assured him.

Instantly, San held onto you, crying his eyes out, his heart full of so many emotions.

"Oh my god my babygirl is all grown and soon she'll be leaving me, and I'm sad but I'm so happy at the same way cause I love her so much, and I love you so much and I just miss my baby already even though she's still here!"

You only patted his back and nodded at his sobbing. At least he wasn't putting a tracking device on her.

꧁𝓢𝓸𝓷𝓰 𝓜𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓲꧂

You knew it was all bullshit when Mingi said he was desperately needed at the headquarters with the boys. And Seonghwa even confirmed it when you called him and he said that everything was fine, no one called a meeting. You thanked him and hung up. Grabbing your car keys, you sped to your daughter's location, hoping to get there before something embarrassing happened.

You looked around the place, trying your best so your daughter wouldn't see you. She didn't, however you spotted a very familiar shade of red hair hiding behind some bushes. Discreetly, you crept up behind him and smacked his head.

"Ow! What was that for?!" He cried out.

"Song Mingi! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Spying on your own daughter on her first date!" You yelled at him.

"It's my right as a father to make sure my daughter is safe!" He protested.

"Well you can do that....from a distance!"

Without warning, you grabbed his ear and pulled him back to your car to take him home.

"Ok! Can you let go?! I'll go back home with you!" He gave up and walked back with you.

"Good. Honestly, what were you thinking? Oh wait! You weren't." You huffed as you got in the driver's seat.

"There's nothing wrong with wanting your daughter to be safe and make sure her date treats her decently." He pouted like a little baby.

"Well like I said, you could do that from a distance. There's no need to be stalking her out like one of your snipers." You told him as you started the car.

"Yeah.....you're right...." Mingi sighed.

You smiled, proud that he was willing to accept his mistake. That was until he opened his mouth again.

"I mean, why put a tracking device on her phone and not use it?" He stated nonchalantly as he took out his phone

"Song fucking Mingi! I swear to God, if you did that I will make you roll out of the car!"

꧁𝓙𝓾𝓷𝓰 𝓦𝓸𝓸𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓷𝓰꧂

"For the last time....No!"

Wooyoung was stubborn. No matter how many times your daughter begged him to let her go to the school dance, he stood his ground and refused. She tried every single approach: she behaved like an angel, tried bargaining and even rebelled like a teenager but to no avail.

"Give me one good reason why I can't go!" Your daughter pouted.

"I'll give you three reasons: One, boys. Two, boys. And three, which is actually the most important one... boys!" Wooyoung was practically dramatic at this point, as if he wasn't already.

"You're going to have to let me date someday!" Your daughter retaliated.

"Absolutely....when I'm cold in my coffin or when hell freezes over. Whichever comes first." Wooyoung said.

Your daughter ended up locking herself in her room, refusing to see her father. It hurt him to have her rejection, but he only did it because he loved her. Unbeknownst to him though, you gave her permission and even arranged for her to be picked up by your friend so she could go to her dance. You hoped Wooyoung didn't notice.

"Where is she?" Wooyoung asked you, crossing his arms over his chest, his foot tapping on the floor.

You sighed in defeat. "She went to the dance. I gave her permission."

Wooyoung began screaming at the top of his lungs, getting agitated.

"Oh relax you drama queen! Her date isn't a bad boy! In fact, he's the sweetest boy ever! You know him, it's San's son!"

As soon as he heard that, Wooyoung felt like he was going to get a heart attack.

"Of all people, she chose San's kid?! Is she insane?!"

Wooyoung took out his phone and furiously tapped on the screen.

"San you little piece of shit! Why are you letting your devil of a son seduce my little angel? Hmm?..... Oh don't give me that! He's just like you! Behind that innocent dimple smile lies a demon, waiting to prey on the innocent and pure so they can corrupt them!! Curse you and your cute dimple genes! I will get you back for this!"

꧁𝓒𝓱𝓸𝓲 𝓙𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓱𝓸꧂

"So....what are your intentions?" Jongho asked the boy sitting in front of him.

"Excuse me s-sir?" The boy didn't quite understand.

"What are your intentions with my daughter?" Jongho repeated as he reached for one of the apples that were on the table.

"Well I... I....I'm not sure. I guess-"

"Oh? Not sure?" Jongho locked eyes with him as he effortlessly split the apple in half with his bare hands.

The boy noticeably gulped and stared at the crushed fruit.

"I I mean! It's only a dance! It's nothing serious-"

"Are you saying my daughter's a joke? Are her feelings nothing to you?"Jongho reached for another apple and split it apart just like the other one.

"I didn't say that!" The boy exclaimed.

Jongho nodded and reached for yet a third apple.

"Listen very carefully to me boy. I love my daughter so much. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her. I only want her to be happy."

He split the apple and set it down on the table.

"So let me make this clear: break my daughter's heart and I will break you. You know like what?" Jongho tilted his head at him.

"Like.....those apples?" The boy hesitantly pointed at the murdered fruit in front of him.

"Hmm? Oh no. Not like those apples."

Jongho smiled and pulled out a watermelon from one of the cushions.

"I'll break you like this watermelon."

Jongho's fist slammed down on the watermelon, effortlessly breaking it in half. The poor boy was now pale, fearing for his life.

"Daddy! I'm ready! Is the driver ready- what's with all the split fruit?" Your daughter asked when you and her walked into the living room.

"Oh! Nothing sweetheart. I was just splitting these for our guest. Gotta have a little snack before. Right?"

Jongho held out a parted apple to the boy, his eyes silently warning him not to say anything of what really happened. The boy simply nodded and took the apple.

"Y-yeah. Your father is really n-nice."

You frowned at Jongho when your eyes met. You knew what really happened. But he simply smiled innocently at you, like nothing happened.

Gifs not mine, credit goes to their respective owners.

[bikerjongho]

the library of wonder | ateez ot8

genre: historical fiction, horror, adventure, fantasy

characters: warrior!ateez ot8

description: Religious radicals in the Joseon Dynasty, the self-proclaimed Anti-Rhythm Riders cult does everything in their power to destroy anything and anyone that violates their sacred Code of Conduct.

word count: 5.8k

warnings: violence, murder, maiming, ableism, graphic description of a dead body, radical religion, blood

author’s note: what happens when you combine the library of alexandria with ateez? this fic. this is the third addition to the ateez music video series whose masterlist (which lists the rest of them) is here. Also to note that this is part 1 of a series that I will continue later. The subsequent parts will be connected to different music videos.

taglist: @itsapapisongo @mangomingki @irehlevant​ @blueprint-han​ @doievoir​ @bvlnoriyas

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Weapons were a way to show the power of a king. Mounted and gleaming, the spears of King Yoongi of the Joseon Dynasty stood on either side of his elegant and golden throne like guards at the ready. On the walls that surrounded the throne from the left and right were an impressive display of bows and an array of fine arrows to accompany them. On the floor, King Yoongi's head lolled, blood pouring out of its severed end as Hongjoong sheathed the King's sword that was on his wall only moments before.

Beside the King's head and body on the floor, his recently deceased personal guard lay with him. This was thanks to Hongjoong's two best short-distance fighters, Mingi and Seonghwa. The two of them eyed the royally red blood that gushed out of the King's severed neck as they sheathed their swords. The three of them wore nothing more than simple blue hanboks and had their long hair tied up in a topknot at the top of their head, traditional for common men of this age. But with the corpse of the most important man in the Dynasty at their feet and the smell of civil unrest in the air, the plain clothing and ordinary hair was far from an appropriate look for these men in this moment.

The King's sword was now sheathed at Hongjoong's side, but he was not yet finished with the king. Bending down to the severed head, Hongjoong ripped out all of the intricate pins and ties that the King's servants had put in his hair that morning. The King's luscious black hair spilled out at his feet, mixing with his blood and turning it burgundy. Hair was a symbol of status and power. Now that the King was dead, Hongjoong assumed he no longer needed his power. He extracted a dagger from a pocket of his hanbok and began cutting at where the King's scalp ended.

The hair obliged with the blade. Soon, the King's heap of hair rested in Hongjoong's hands, and he promptly tied it to keep the strands together. "Proof," Hongjoong whispered and shoved the hair into his hanbok. "Proof that the wretched King Yoongi is dead."

"May he rot in many Hells," Seonghwa murmured and bowed his head. Mingi followed suit, and then Hongjoong last. There was a method to their madness. They, along with a few other men, were leaders of an ancient group called the Anti-Rhythm Riders. They did no harm as long as no one provoked them. Their laws, while more modest and tight than most groups, religions, or cults, were mostly fair. But the Anti-Rhythm Riders were a bloodthirsty and arrogant group of people that took pride in their faith and murdered anyone that refused to also follow.

"You must understand," Hongjoong had said calmly to a screaming woman only weeks earlier. Despite his attempts to convert her, she wouldn't budge, leaving Hongjoong with only one choice. His eyes had darkened to a lifeless grey as he had stuck his hand into her abdomen and twisted her gut. "This is a death far more merciful than if The Chariot returned while you were still alive and not following Him," he had said, digging his nails into her body while she screamed. "Feel blessed that I have chosen to kill you and spare you of his wrath that is worse than this by tenfold."

The dead King at Hongjoong's feet was one of many who had been adamantly against the Anti-Rhythm Riders. But besides their penchant for murdering those that were not like them, their strict code of honor shaped them into contributing and positive members of society. Their code of laws requested that each member of the group brought forth the best version of themselves at all times. This included dressing appropriately and being able-bodied, so all Riders were in peak health and dressed like they respected themselves. But on the same side of the coin, it was imperative to closely follow the code of honor as a Rider, lest they be murdered in the same way a non-believer would. The Riders, no matter how devoted they were to their cause, could not step out of line.

Top physical health included never becoming blind, deaf, mute, or immobile, except in the cases of old age or a sickness, but even then, those members were socially separated from the rest of the Riders. Old believers and ill people dressed from head to toe in black clothing in order to not bring attention to themselves and their misfortune of owning a frail and weak body.

But King Yoongi had not perished because of his non-belief. Despite his non-belief, most Riders saw merit in a hierarchal leader. They had, with their teeth grit, kept him alive. What had caused his downfall was not a snap decision by a lone Rider. It was caused by The Library of Wonder.

"A man that has lost his way chooses to walk the path to eternal hell," Mingi quoted a founder as he kicked Yoongi's body as he walked by towards the exit of the throne room. Hongjoong gripped the hair in his pockets, then followed Mingi. Seonghwa followed last, shutting the doors to the throne room with a smile on his face.

When they walked outside, they were met with thunderous cries and applause. The rest of Hongjoong's elite and higher-up group stood waiting in the front of it all. Yunho, man with a spear and a smile that was a bit too comforting and cozy; Yeosang, a solemn man with a sword strapped to his side that was anything but that; San, producing an ugly and terrifying grin on his face as Hongjoong removed the King's ponytail from his pockets; Jongho, with his sharp eyes and sharper reflexes, infamous bow and arrows strapped to his chest and back, and Wooyoung, who thrusted his permanently bandaged and bloodied fists into the air and let out a cry of victory that seared across the mass of Riders and raised the temperature of their spirits.

"The King is dead, Riders," Hongjoong bellowed above the roaring crowd. "And now, we ride to the Library of Wonder." He was met with shouts of disapproval for the Library, and Hongjoong's lip curled upward. There was a section for arts and music in The Rider's code. It was allowed, but certain teachings of it, such as allowing it to manipulate emotions, was forbidden.

"There is a disease in the heart of man," The Riders heard all too frequently in their sermons and speeches. "The disease is human emotion."

The Library of Wonder promoted this diseased music. For years they had tried to defund the Library, encourage the King to focus his spending elsewhere, to change the Library so it did not promote these blasphemous ideas, and none had been successful.

"We can't have a King that has allowed such a violation of our code for this long," Hongjoong had said only a month before the assassination, neck deep in plans for the kill. His face had darkened against the flickering fire that was nearby, casting inhuman shadows across his features. The Anti-Rhythm Riders were not a majority in the Joseon Dynasty, and their following was hardly recognized as a religion at all, let alone the Dynasty's main religion - but they were a potent and loud minority.

And over the course of a year, Hongjoong had been collecting and persuading commoners with his silver tongue to join The Riders for the purpose of having an army. An army that would not only be large, but also be relentless and unstoppable. And as Hongjoong stood in front of these thousands of people fueled with anger for The Library, he believed his work to collect them all had been a success. San took over with controlling the crowd, his loud voice carrying over all of the chatter and yelling. He dictated to certain groups in the crowd to certain tasks, such as loading wood onto the backs of their traveling cows or oiling up weapons and lighters. Fire, Hongjoong had decided, would be the ideal move to destroy the library. It would burn all of the texts that he and so many others hated with no hope of replicating them.

Amidst the screams, Yunho saddled up next to Hongjoong. One of Hongjoong's most efficient and silent warriors in the team, he was an asset that had carried them far. He couldn't stop smiling. Hongjoong knew that this day was huge for him - huge for all of them. Killing the King had been a goal point of their plan. Now all that was left was to destroy The Library of Wonder.

"Do you have any hangwa?" He asked, and Hongjoong was mildly bemused at how casual he was. He had just seen him slice the arm off of a palace soldier only fifteen minutes prior.

"I do," Hongjoong answered anyway, shuffling around in his bag before pulling out a packet of hangwa, assorted Korean cookies. He pushed it towards him, and Yunho happily dug in. "Time to rally the troops," he said, starting up a conversation.

"Well, it's easy to do that when persuasion rolls off of the tongue like leaves blow in the wind," Yunho said, mouth full of cookie. Yunho was referring to The Riders' way of persuasion and how it borderlined with magical coercing. In many ways, it was magical. Hongjoong theorized it had to do with how devoted and powerful many of The Riders were. It was The Chariot's doing that allowed his followers the ability of masterful persuasion.

It was also the reason why they had amassed so many people for their invasion so quickly. Many of them had knocked on doors and preached in the streets. As long as someone could hear them, people joined their cause.

The Riders left immediately after their supplies and weapons were loaded into traveling bags and onto the backs of animals. Hours after they had left on their journey to the Library, Jongho was ready to rally the troops for a special tradition. Having just climbed onto a travelling horse, he was raised above the crowd. His long and dark hair flickered around his face as he assessed the mass of walking Riders. The time must have felt correct to him, for he then raised his arms over the crowd, a move he had done many times.

This move caught the attention of many Riders, but his projecting and powerful voice was what roped in the rest. Jongho sang a mid-range note that silenced what little noise was left from the crowd. The Riders stopped what they were doing in order to match his note. Hongjoong and Yunho followed suit out of habit. The earth rumbled with the thousands of voices of the Riders.

There was an air to the main vocalist now that all of the attention was on him. Something lurked in the darker hues of his eyes, something that looked like power, and it showed itself through how he now moved and sang. His voice, still louder than the crowd's, rose up a note. The dissonance of the pitches only lasted for a moment before the crowd went down a note, creating a harmony. Jongho closed the fingers on his left hand into a fist and the women of the Riders adjusted their note. A minor harmony emerged from the chord.

None of the voices were completely perfect, except for maybe Jongho's. But all voices bowed at the command of Jongho's hands that were, in a way, conducting an old vocal ritual created by and for their religion. The choir was used to grab the attention of all Riders, but it was used equally as a morale booster. Hongjoong glanced at Yeosang, his sword gleaming with menace at his side, and raised his eyebrows.

Yeosang caught his eyes and sifted through the crowd to him. "Why is Jongho doing the Chariot Chant?" He hissed under the singing as the swordsman came close to him. He had seen Jongho and Yeosang together only a quarter of an hour prior. And while the choir was mainly for enjoyment, it was sometimes used as a distraction from something that the higher-up Riders didn't want the rest of their group to know about. Hongjoong feared something had come up despite his meticulous planning, and he assumed that Yeosang knew about the problem if there was one. "We didn't plan one. What is he diverting?"

Yeosang, in charge of the artillery, looked at Jongho on the horse. "Some of our artillery is failing," he said, his eyes the color of stone. "Some of our men and women notified me of a few issues our cannons are having. I inspected them myself and have found that they are correct. I assume this was the throne's last stand against us." His frown deepened. "I theorize our original plan for the Library can't be used now."

A smile appeared on Hongjoong's lips, mirroring Yeosang's disapproving frown. The original plan was to partially blow up the library before burning it, suggested by Yeosang, but Hongjoong had been against it. He wanted the library to be aflame as soon and for as long as possible, but he had been outnumbered by most of his group. Hongjoong's method would endanger more Rider's lives at the expense of his selfish love for fire. Unprecedented death of Riders was certainly a reason for Jongho to begin a distracting chant. He wouldn't have started it if he had thought Hongjoong's plan would go to fruition.

"So we go with my plan," Hongjoong smirked at the artillery leader. Yeosang pursed his lips and, for a moment, said nothing.

"I will think about our other options," Yeosang murmured. "Ones that will, perhaps, be less taxing on us. Don't think for a second that Jongho's calling to action means your plan will now be enacted," he said with a hint of irritation. He said no more, sweeping himself back into the crowds towards the animals helping carry the artillery, leaving Hongjoong with his thoughts and a smile still plastered to his face.

Hongjoong was the unofficial leader of the Riders, but he still wanted to deal with decisions diplomatically. So, after an hour of caroling with Jongho, Hongjoong rounded up the seven of them to talk about their plan of attack on the library.

They formed a line as they walked and saddled beside the cattle and horses that carried the artillery. Seonghwa and Wooyoung gravitated towards Hongjoong in the line. The two of them had been the members to agree with Hongjoong's less rational plan of setting fire to the library immediately upon arrival, but they had ultimately been overruled by the other five that had agreed to Yeosang's safer plan.

"So, fire immediately?" Wooyoung asked everyone once Hongjoong explained to them their situation, but his eyes were locked onto Hongjoong. Yeosang raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

"Not quite," Hongjoong said evenly, turning his attention to Yeosang, who now had his arms crossed. "Let's see what our artillery man has to say."

"If the First Army successfully purged the library of people," Yeosang said, referring to a subset of the Riders that had left for the library a day earlier, "then we should have a clean and easy shot to do whatever we want to the library. Word won't spread that we invaded it until it's already a pile of rubble." Some of them bowed their heads in appreciation for that statement.

"That being said," Yeosang continued, "we have about half the amount of cannons I'd like to have. We still have swords, but that won't do much against the hard material of the building." He grabbed the hilt of his sword at his side instinctively. "We still have torches and the building is flammable."

"And bow and arrows," Yunho cut in, lifting up Jongho's bow from his back. Jongho glared at him.

"Arrows that can carry flame," Yeosang sighed, and Seonghwa's lip curled up. "I truly have exhausted my thoughts and exhausted them some more. Many weapons from home could have been used for a different attack, but we're too far to turn back now." They were all experienced enough fighters to realize where Yeosang was going.

"Fire," Hongjoong smiled, and Yeosang looked weary.

"Fire," he sighed in agreement.

Wooyoung and Seonghwa exploded into hisses of victory. Wooyoung punched his fist into the air. "Hell yes," he said, shaking his bandaged wrist in front of him.

"Should we tell them?" Yeosang asked, gesturing to the entire herd of Riders that were traveling with them as a few of the members dispersed from the group. Yeosang meant the increased danger that came with their sudden change of plans. Hongjoong adjusted the bag on his back and grinned.

"They know what they're getting into," Hongjoong smiled. "But even if they don't, they'll do it anyway. They love The Chariot too much to refuse to do something." Hongjoong flicked a cocky smile at Yeosang, who could only sigh and nod. While it was not his favorite plan, it was a plan that still accomplished the destruction of the library, which was a goal all of them wanted to achieve regardless of the means.

And while Riders didn't like injuring other Riders, self-preservation overtook any feelings they had for their lower Rider acquaintances. If Yeosang could remain without burn scars and seared lungs while someone else did, then it was simply a means to an end. The library was destined to go down by the careful hands of the Riders, one way or another.

It took another day for the riders to reach The Library of Wonder, and when they did, it was a wonder to behold. Sculpted with stone and wood, it was an incredible feat of architecture in the Joseon Dynasty. Great stone columns supported the front of the building, and a stone statue of a beautiful woman with long hair and a scroll in her hands greeted library goers at the entrance.

Wooyoung yanked out a club from the pockets of his blue hanbok and swung at the lady without warning. He took off part of her chest and her entire left arm and was met with roars of approval and laughter. "At the ready!" Hongjoong yelled over the laughing crowds, and Riders began fishing their weapons out of their pockets. These weapons were mostly bows and arrows, but like Wooyoung, a few clubs were seen. Jongho was among those with bow and arrows, slinging his trusty bow from around his shoulder to the front of his body.

But bow and arrows weren't the correct term for the weapon Jongho and many of the other Riders had. His bow and arrows were of a narrower Korean variety called the singijeon. The singijeon worked much like traditional bow and arrows, but gunpowder was held in the arrows.

He now had his bow cocked and ready and his hands clutched a wooden arrow with a ball of gunpowder nestled close to the tip of the arrow. Jongho pulled back with his left hand and released the arrow. The Riders watched as it soared through the heat of the sun and made contact with the middle of the entry wall of the Library. As soon as the arrow hit the wall, the gunpowder activated and blew a hole in it.

Many more singijeon became useful and created more holes in the Library and smoke in the air. It was almost too easy to destroy the Library. It crumbled more and more with each hit like it was destiny for the great building to fall. Soon enough, the wall was completely gone and the Riders rejoiced in their work.

Mingi appeared at the front of the crowd, a tall presence marked even more visible by the torch of fire he held in his hands. Behind him, Yeosang carried a similar torch and was passing the fire to other torches held by other Riders, who were then passing the fire to others around them like believers in a church service would. There was no fire in Yeosang's eyes despite the lit torch in his hands.

"Riders," Mingi shouted and stepped over the rubbled wall that the Riders had just destroyed. He tilted his head down and grinned while surveying the crowd. Then, he elegantly walked over to the first shelf of the Library and let his torch make contact with the last book on the shelf. It took the fire with no issues, becoming an incendiary in moments. The book was quick to share the flames with the paper around it, and soon the entire shelf glowed with fire. Mingi was quick to exit the library as Riders poured into the Library with their torches and began setting the books aflame.

Yeosang, though his eyes were grim with the disapproval of how the Riders were proceeding, was smiling. While their method wasn't the safest or most practical, the Library that had been up for so long was finally being destroyed. The eight Riders watched a safe distance away as their lesser brethren raced into the Library like packs of overexcited hyenas. Many of them likely didn't know what they were fighting for, but they were moths drawn to flame, entranced by the beauty and cruelty of destruction.

Wooyoung smiled while the fire casted red and orange light on his face. "The Library is not exactly a slow-burn, is it?" He said softly as the fire ravenously ate through the texts.

"It's not," Yunho agreed with him. "Especially with the leftover gunpowder from all of the singijeon. Gunpowder revels with fire."

The eight of them watched the Library eat itself in the flames from a safe distance away. It was comical how some Riders passionately drove into the collapsing Library with a torch in their hands and emerged with burns and much less enthusiasm. Sometimes they didn't reappear at all. That feeling caused a bit of discomfort to some of them, but Hongjoong reveled in their discomfort. It just showed how dedicated they were to The Chariot, and Hongjoong was proud of them for their dedication.

It took a half an hour for the great stone Library of Wonder to turn into a charred and wasteful hunk of rock. The papery books had succumbed too easily to the flames and all that was left on the inside of the Library were ashes and the remnant memories of books lost forever. The fire was less of a roar and more whispery and trapped now, only burning the book it was on and not passing its flame to other books.

San was now on top of a horse and rallying the troops to receive medical attention if they needed any and congratulated them on their efforts. "The Chariot is proud of us, Riders," he said, beaming. Some Riders returned a smile, others were too hurt to acknowledge San. "As our great laws say, the disease in the heart of man is human emotion. These books would have spread that harmful message had we not burned them down. For that, He is eternally grateful for your efforts."

San hopped off of the horse and joined the other seven Riders in preparing for the return trip. Behind them, the last of the flames were dying out. Riders still in the Library were stumbling out of the burned rubble. There were likely bodies of Riders that were dead inside of the Library and others that were alive but had succumbed themselves to imperfections of their physical features. And while they had given a valiant effort in destroying the Library, that was a violation of The Rider's code. They would have to cover up if they wished to remain a Rider.

But something else lurked in the rubble as well. All Riders wore blue, but a man in red was now present behind a collapsing and charred bookshelf. His ethnicity, like the Riders, was Korean, but his skin and eyes held heavy years and knowledge of many more cultures and lands that the Riders could only dream of touching. His long black hair was knotted at the back of his head, and beneath his bulging arm muscles was a lengthy silver sword with a red hilt.

But perhaps his most distinguishing feature was the long scar that travelled from his left eyebrow, through his eye, down his cheek, ending right at the tip of his lip. The scar made the left side of his lips permanently downturned. Such a scar directly violated The Rider's code, but this man was above that religion and the laws that it held. This man was Ares, the god of war. And Ares, who thrived in bloodshed and carried the spirit of warfare wherever he walked, was not impressed with the warfare that had gone on at this library.

Yunho noticed him first. He was surveying the Library's remains when he saw the man's hulking figure amidst the ashes like a phoenix. "Hongjoong," he whispered and nudged him. He nodded his head towards the Library.

Hongjoong, who was overseeing a group of Riders, looked over at the Library. Ares locked eyes with him and Hongjoong's blood ran cold. He had no idea who this man was, but he was someone that could send shivers down Hongjoong's spine. There weren't many people that could do that.

Hongjoong took a step forward to address this man, but Ares was already ahead of him.

"So-called Riders," Ares boomed across the land, his voice easily the loudest in the vicinity yet there was no visible effort on his face to make himself heard over everyone. His thigh muscles rippled as he stepped over what was left of the wall. His face was flooded with unfiltered rage.

The rest of the Riders, who had been focused on returning home, froze in their efforts. All eyes were on the giant and muscular man seething in front of them.

Seonghwa grabbed the knife at his side and glanced at Hongjoong for permission. In any other circumstance, Hongjoong would have let him have it. Instead, he softly shook his head, and held his hand in front of Jongho when he realized he was drawing his bow. There was something about this man that Hongjoong did not want to provoke, but the steam coming from his head was proof that he had already been provoked enough. Hongjoong gulped and tried to calm his racing heart.

"I'm Ares, the God of War," the muscled man thundered, and no one was brave enough to disagree with him. He certainly looked the part. Now that he was closer, Hongjoong could see the long scar across his face and wrinkled his nose in distaste.

"You-" Ares began, but he was cut off as a singijeon arrow flew through the air directly towards his face. Hongjoong turned and saw that it was from a young and male Rider, gripping his bow so tightly that his knuckles were white.

Ares didn't flinch at this unexpected attack. With a practiced and weathered hand, he caught the arrow between his fingers. The Riders were stunned. His hand twitched and the arrow snapped in half. "Cute," he muttered, letting it crumble to the ground in his hands. He turned towards the teenage Rider who had shot the arrow and gave him a smile.

Hongjoong began to step forward. He wasn't sure what he was to do for the boy, he wanted to help - but Ares was too quick. With a flick of his hand not unlike the motion he had done with the arrow, the teenage boy jerked inhumanly backward with a loud crack. With his spine completely in two, he toppled over himself backwards onto the ground. His face was lifelessly frozen in shock, and the clear God of War smiled with satisfaction at the work he had done.

A few muffled sobs prevented silence. "Let me speak," Ares said carefully to the crowd, his eyes traveling over them all like he was sizing them up. This time, no one argued.

"Riders," Ares began. "You've burned down The Library of Wonder and all of the wonders it contained. Do you even understand the weight of that action?"

Ares looked directly at Hongjoong and he felt obliged to speak. "The books hold untrue and unsafe messages," Hongjoong spoke to Ares, his knees quivering underneath his pants. He didn't remember his voice sounding so small. "We had to rid them of this world. They have no place here except as smoke and ash. It is The Chariot's wish and creed."

"And your Chariot is nothing more than a weak and ailing minor god," Ares said cooly back to him. It took everything in Hongjoong's power to not curse him out for insulting his god - but he didn't want to end up like the young Rider.

"I know him," Ares continued. "He laughs at the lengths you do for him. He himself knows he is pathetic, but he enjoys seeing humans like you quiver and worship him. And I normally don't bat an eye to his or your shenanigans, I have better things to worry about, other worlds that are far more entertaining than this one," Ares said.

His eyes darkened. "But burning down my wife's Library broke her. So, in turn, you have to deal with me."

Hongjoong realized in horror what he meant. He idly thought of Wooyoung's gleeful act of smashing the statue of the goddess at the front of the Library. He wanted to throw up. Wooyoung looked like he wanted to throw up.

"So I've made it my personal game to make your lives a living hell," Ares said with a smile. "Because no one hurts my wife." He shifted his attention, not just towards Hongjoong, but to the other seven of his teammates crowded around him. They all froze. Hongjoong felt Mingi tense beside him.

"You Riders are simply too vocal for my taste," Ares glared. "The Chariot gives you the power of persuasion because it amuses him, so you all go around recruiting mindless humans to follow your so-called religion. But it is not funny in the slightest." His eyes swiveled to Jongho and his smile widened. "Doesn't this one sing?"

Hongjoong heard Jongho intake a terrified breath. He heard a sudden movement, and then Jongho had taken off running in the opposite direction as Ares. But Jongho was an ant and Ares was a stone. Hongjoong blinked and Ares was in front of the singer.

Jongho was strong, but he was nothing compared to a god. He began screaming as Ares picked him up by the throat, crying out to the Chariot, to his mother, to Hongjoong, to anyone that was listening, but he received no answer. Tears ran down his face and he kicked to be set free. Only his scream, which vastly contrasted his usual mesmerizing singing voice, cut through the air, and then he was abruptly silenced by Ares.

Ares dropped Jongho to the ground at his feet, and the boy continued his sobs in a crumpled mess. But his sobs lacked the voice, no matter how anguished it would have been right now, that the Riders had grown to love.

"He has no more use for his vocal cords," Ares smiled, and Hongjoong's heart dropped to his feet. Jongho had loved his voice. Everyone had loved his voice. Ares looked at the rest of them, and he realized with horror that he was not close to being done with them. "A shame, isn't it?" Ares laughed and stepped over Jongho's shaking body. "Your law says you are to never become mute, lest you want to remain a Rider. Seems like a bit of an issue, does it not?"

Hongjoong tried to move his legs, but he found himself frozen in place. He wasn't sure if it was his own body trying to protect him from harm or Ares immobilizing him, but he could only stare in sickening awe as one by one, Ares stole the voices of every Rider present. For some, he waved his hand and an entire group of people were silenced. Others, like those in Hongjoong's close team, had a solo maiming in front of everyone. No one was spared from Ares' destruction, especially not Hongjoong.

When he was finished, the sea of Riders were silent.

"Now I won't be interrupted," Ares said cheerfully, worlds happier than he was when he first arrived at the library. The hulking man had taken it upon himself to move Jongho's limp and shaking form back to the other seven of them.

"You eight are especially troublesome," Ares whispered, because there was no voice that could be above him. "For that, you have a special place in my personal hell. And now, I will take you to your own personal hell."

Ares raised his hand, and the library in the horizon vanished from view. For a moment, Hongjoong could see nothing, and then a beige wall of a house clouded his vision.

Hongjoong opened his mouth to cry out, but the attempt was fruitless.

"Your own personal hell," Ares said softly, suddenly beside him. The god placed a hand on Hongjoong's shoulder, a soft gesture that a father might do to a son. "You and your seven other friends are in, what I call, a timeout mansion. It is a place that you cannot leave or escape from, so I advise you to not even attempt that. You will sit and you will gaze at the fine art and architecture that this mansion has to offer," Ares said, his words puncturing. "You will be in aching emotional pain because all of this art is, as you call it, a disease to your human heart." Ares rubbed his back while Hongjoong held back tears. "And you will grow to love it."

The god stood up from beside Hongjoong. "That is your answer to escaping. An answer that you must vocalize and preach if you are to ever leave here." Ares smiled at him, and the scar that touched his eye, cheek, and lip curled up with it. And then he was gone, and Hongjoong's hope left with him.

For a few moments, Hongjoong stared at the floor. Then, shaking, he raised his right hand.

There is a disease in the heart of man, Hongjoong thought and touched his chest over his heart. His heart was racing like he had never felt before.

The disease is in me.

[papers4me]

Fascinating concepts in Golden Kamuy Manga ( part 2)

In part 1, I listed 3 concepts that I find intriguing in Golden Kamuy ( GK), I provided short explanation of these concepts but due to issues of space couldn’t provide more examples. The previous 3 concepts were: (1). Broken men of war & death, (2) Fun dynamics & journey companion  does not equal close friendships, & (3) Perspective is where characters are truly at. In total I have 9 concepts but intend to post 3 at a time. So, here we go~

4. What breaks men of war: ( emotional ties)

in my previous post, I’ve mentioned that these men of war are not fazed by death & some are even obsessed with it. goldenkamuyhunting has kindly added that they are affected by the death of those whom they’re emotionally connected to, and provided examples. very true. However, I want to look at this concept from another perspective. As much as the constant brush with death has hardened their hearts & stole chunks of their humanity, all the characters are still human. Their humanity isn’t mostly displayed in how they treat strangers/ enemies, or men on the other side, it is presented on how easily they crumble down once you press the right button: their loved ones. They have strong emotional ties that can break them down, even now after they’ve become so drenched in blood. These ties are mostly connected to ppl who are the reason of their current perspective or their past selves. Sugimoto, the ruthless, breaks down in tears at the memory of toraji, at the idea of failing Yumi, at the thought seeing Asripa become like him: a killer. These emotional ties break him into tears & self loathing frenzy. Sadistic Nikaidou not only mourn his brother, but becomes a shell of a man, delusional, erratic, addicted to drugs & hollow. Tsukishima, Tsurumi’s right hand who kills with no hesitation, becomes all sorts of mess at the thought of Igogusa: anger, tears, loss, despair, explosive rage, self-loath coupled with low self-esteem. Tsurumi himself, the man who fondly remember running thro rain of blood, was so affected by the murder of his wife & daughter to the point of not being able to restrain himself. (many examples) but the point is, I applaud the writer for not going the path of writing these characters as emotionless hard cold blooded war veterans. They have emotions & can break into sobs. You might think they’re unable to form new emotional ties, but some can, sugimoto formed healthy independent ties with shirashi! But the issue is not the new ties. The real issue is these men of war not yet dealing with the old emotional ties from their past. Those ties are eating them from the inside. The pain is still raw!

5. Excellent portrayal of unstable psyche:

Some of these men, due to the past emotional ties, have developed unstable thinking & deep troubling thought process & reasoning coupled with the ugly brutality of war. Other writers will simply write men such as Tsurumi or Ogata as mad guys, crazy & lunatic. But Noda chose a deeper more logical & intriguing approach. Their behavior shows elements of unstable & deeply trouble thinking; little boy Ogata poisoning his mother & Tsurumi’s infatuation of being a soul snatching shinigami. What they have done is unexcused & cannot be corrected. However, they are not mindless lunatics. Both characters are mysterious & rarely allowed to have inner monologue abt their true goal. Both play on different sides & have gone through some personal journey to solidify their nihilistic belief. Both goes even deeper into the depth of seemingly unstable thought process. Ogata, lacking family love, questions the concept of pity, mercy & compassion. Embarks on a journey to prove that he’s not alone in feeling no guilt over human death. That his tragic thinking is not up-normal. Other ppl exist like me. ppl other than weird Usami. Nothing is wrong with me, so father should accept me. So tragic. Yet Ogata even with this unstable thinking is portrayed as smart with analytic thinking, skilled, seemingly not swayed by manipulators & very perceptive! Same goes for Tsurumi, extremely manipulated, cunning, intelligent & sweet talker, but was shown as a loving father as he held his daughter in his hand in most of his Japanese language teaching scenes with wilk in Russia. His family’s death deeply troubled him & changed him into the monster he’s currently is. Obsessed with their bones. Not mourning them yet. His position as the story’s villain adds to this but in a very balanced way. There are more examples, such as Usami & a number of the tattooed convicts. But the point is the writer treats the characters as human, who are capable of unstable obsession & thinking, yet can display normal behavior & excellent logical thinking as well.

( btw: I’m not putting any character with the same scale as the other, or saying they’re equal or identical. They are NOT.  I’m simply looking at a ting aspect from their behavior in light of the concept they share) 

6. No heroes:

I duno abt you. But I don’t sense that this is a story of a bunch of alliances saving the day against the big baddie. I could be wrong tho. But this story has sth that is lacking from most stories, which is: each side have winning points as much as loosing points. Meaning each side has arguments that can lead to their logical success as much as arguments that sheds some light on the holes in their plans. Even the argument that says minority groups should have their own land with their own culture, while very just in concept, the application is quite complicated. A group of ppl with no strong army sitting on a land of rich resources won’t be left alone by other nations. It never happened in the real world, & while GK is fiction, it is safe to say that Noda is aware of this as he made Tsurimi himself point this out in ch,271. Even if the minority groups get their land, they can’t preserve their own culture if they continue their old ways without adapting into new generations & without reaching out to the outside world. Once again Trsumi pointed this out while talking abt japan itself. I duno how Noda plans to solve this. But This is not even exclusive to the Auni/Japan/Russia situation. Again, the story itself is way bigger than that. Each character is not even the hero of their own story. Asirpa’s trauma of finding herself shouldering the burden of an entire culture while struggling to have a normal selfish goal like any normal girl. Sugimoto becoming her body guard while she solves an issue that he himself isn’t that much interested in! he just wanted her to be happy. More importantly he wants her to NOT be like him. Living thro Asripa while he should be trying to figure out his own path, rather than looking for salvation thro the innocent angelic Asipra or becoming a human skinning tool to get the money for Ume’s eyes treatment when she herself never asked him to! Tsukushima, desperately trying to believe that there’s at least some bigger picture good for following Trsurmi, that all the years of blood stinky hands can mean sth, somehow, in the future, so may examples. But I love the concept of grey characters so dearly, no heroes, no angels.

Disclaimer:

I know my explanation for each argument & each concept & the examples I provide can be misunderstood. But I assure you that each time I provide an example, I’m looking at a tiny aspect of a deeply complex & intriguing character that cannot be summarized into one or two concepts & is bigger than to be compared to other characters as well. Each concept is shared by a number of characters but with different approach, level & reasoning behind it. If I want to discuss a certain character in depth, I’ll do that in a post dedicated for them  alone.

Lastly, This is just a fraction of my personal opinion abt the story & characters. I’m not claiming this is how they are truly written or this how Noda intended it or even that you should share my thoughts. I just think this manga is so darn good & rich with fascinating characters!

[thegreatobsesso]

five (but, ten) comfort characters

Rules: Post your top five favorite comfort characters.

F the rules, I couldn’t decide 5. It was too hard. I refuse to limit myself in such a way.

Tagged by the lovely @rosiewritesandrambles 🥰

1. Sherlock Holmes.

All of ‘em. The books + every film and TV adaption combined. I have opinions about them all. Sometimes they’re really strong, lolz. But there’s never been an adaptation I’ve disliked across the board. If I had to choose an overall favorite adaption tho, it’s definitely Elementary. But seriously, Sherlock Holmes, you guys. I get very emotional. This is a character that his own creator could not kill. 

He tried. God knows he tried! It’s the ultimate testament to the power of fictional characters that Arthur Conan Doyle himself tried to kill Sherlock Holmes and he refused to stay dead, because so many people loved him. I think about it a lot. About how good old ACD would roll over in his fucking grave if he knew we were all still on about Sherlock Holmes. I just think that’s extraordinary. Every year, I put up my Sherlock tree. It’s a Christmas tree with a Sherlock Holmes theme.

Arthur Conan Doyle would shit. I wish I could tell him I’m sorry. That no one cared about his grandiose, v serious historical novels. We just wanted more Sherlock Holmes. I am so sorry, my dude. 🙏🏻

2. Loki.

I wasn’t crazy about the show but Loki is still one of my all-time favorites. I never saw a Marvel movie until the first Avengers, and when I went to the theater, I was in a super depressed place. My friends wanted to see it and I was like, k, whatever. I’ve since seen every Marvel movie and that first Avengers is still my all-time favorite, because it took me completely outta myself when I really needed to be outside myself, and I still remember seeing Loki blaze onto the scene and thinking, Oh. Hello there, hotness. I mean seriously, who can resist Loki? I’ve had great times cosplaying Loki. People asking for photos with me. Telling them, sure, only if you kneel. 

It’s really quite beautiful.

3. The 10th Doctor.

How much can anyone ask for in a comfort character? 10 is light and love. 

4. Jessica Jones.

... And it’s a testament to David Tennant that he can be one of my top 10 comfort characters, and also a character so repugnant he makes me sick. The first season of Jessica Jones has a special place in my heart, because she’s so messy and shitty and utterly lovable. And she’s been through so much, but her trauma doesn’t define her. They did such a good job with that. Jessica is goals.

5 + 6. Christian and Satine. 

I have a Moulin Rouge tattoo so I’d be remiss if I didn’t include my favorite comfort movie here, and I can’t rightly separate the two of them, because seasons may change, winter to spring: but they will love each other ‘till the end of time, come what may. ❤️

7 + 8. Mulder and Scully.

Again, cannot separate or parse out. They’re a unit. End of story.

9. House.

This feels like a cheat because I could have included him in the Sherlock Holmes adaptations category, but I’m separating him because he got me into Sherlock Holmes. I read that he was based on Holmes, and after I’d seen all the House there was available, I thought, hell, I want more of this. I spiraled into that entire fandom as a result, but I still love House as its own thing. How, every episode, dude, you know exactly what you’re getting. You know it and you’re hungry for it. You want it. You wait for the House Epiphany™️. It comes, at the thirty-eight mark. You knew it would. It did. It wasn’t lupus. It’s always satisfying.

And Hugh Laurie is a god among men.

10 + BONUS, WHATEVER: Will + Hannibal

The ultimate comfort show. Which is SO WEIRd. And yet, if you’ve seen it, you understand. You get it, brothers and sisters and everyone in between. We, who have watched Hannibal, are one.

Tagging: @vivian-is-writing, @sleepy-night-child, @diphthongsfordays, @magicmoon65, & @blindthewind !

[kisafavi-17]

Jack:

- football star

- quarterback

- friends with newsies in middle school

- HELLA TALL

- openly bisexual

- he/him

- seems scary but is really nice

- had a small fling with sarah

- RED BULLLL

- average student

- creator of blog

- junior in high school

- just turned 17 in february

- teachers love him

- massive flirt

- loves horror movies and will put them on to have background noise

- HIS REAL NAME IS JACKSON BUT CALL HIM THAT AND HE WILL END YOU

- lives with medda

David:

- straight A+

- honor roll gate kid

- taking 5 AP classes

- gay and on the ace spectrum

- major social anxiety

- new kid

- met jack first

- closeted/didn’t know

- tutor to most newsies

- has a older sister sarah (by 1 year) and younger brother les (10 years old)

- he/they?

- editor of the blog (once joined)

- mentally ill

- scared of spot

- sophomore taking junior classes

- 15 years

- reads romantic novels to understand women

- has feminine products on him at all times

- FEMINIST

- has sensory issues

Race:

- pothead

- always has nic of some kind

- TRAUMAAAAAA

- always horny

- flirts with all

- attracted to few

- very openly gay

- gets bullied a lot

- on-scene reporter for the school news blog

- barely passing

- he/they/she (doesn’t care really)

- swears A LOT

- met spot in 4th grade

- sophomore (got held back a year) 16 years old

- is down for anything

- lives with jack at medda’s

- is the meme lord

- does. not. sleep. (or sleeps all the time no in between)

- has dyslexia and reads wattpad or redit

Spot:

- either really rich or really poor

* Rich:

- daddy’s money

- old family friends with jack

- arranges interviews with people for the blog

- on baseball team

- picks on boys

- REFUSES TO MAKE FUN OF GIRLS

- lowkey feminist

- internalized homophobia

- drives a porsche… a BRIGHT RED porsche

- he/him (says nor/mal like a douche tho)

- HELLA DEPRESSED

- takes “performance enhancing” pills

- secretly hangs out with the newsies

- junior but really young

- david is his tutor

- lowkey really dumb

- refuses to read anything. ever

- IS NOT FUCKING SHORT!!!

- he’s like 5’10 (says hes 6’0 tho)

- real name is thomas

* Poor:

- TRAUMATIZED AFFFFF

- wears zip-up hoodies with black skinny jeans

- beat up black vans

- emo

- also a really young junior

- hot topic is his ✨home✨

- everyone is scared of him

- the “quiet kid”

- he/him

- closeted bi pref men

- race is his only friend

- occasionally smokes weed

- oldest sibling of 3 (twins one of each. 5th grade)

- has a job no one knows about

- works as a waiter at a dinner an hour from school

- IS. NOT. SHORT.

- HE. IS. LIKE. 5’11.

- gets into fights and never looses

- secretly simping for race

- protects the newsies

- writes anonymous articles for blog

- ✨black eyeliner✨

- always has painted fingernails

- B+ average

- real name is sean

Sarah:

- book worm

- LESBIAN

- she/they

- loves the book worms

- reads anything and everything

- does photography for school blog

- definitely does theater/choir

- owns wattpad

- writes on wattpad

- definitely simping for fictional characters

- has tried a vape once

- lightweight

- tall

- like 5’8.5

- mamma mia fangirl

- loves DC movies

- has every girl/boy crushing over her

- therapist friend

- always has everything you need somehow

- met jack at a party

- doesn’t allow ANYONE to pick on david along with jack

- cottage gore ascetic

- loves disney

- drives a blue subaru

- is on the high school dance team

- hates the term “UwU”

- is a 16 year old junior

Blink:

- on football team

- still has eyepatch but no one cares

- gayyyy

- dating mush

- PDA

- funny af

- is a really old sophomore

- 16 years old (a january baby)

- camera man for race for blog

- besties are bumlets, mush, and jack

- only one without family trauma

- has twin sister

- has the funniest laugh ever

- volunteers at homeless shelters

- cinnamon roll🥺

- real name is dylan

- hornyyyyy

- has smexy pics on snap

- harry potter fan

- griffindor

- TWITTER WARS

- starts beef for no reason

- watches horror to freak mush out

- it works

Mush:

- hates horror movies

- is dating blink

- is on the wrestling and dance team

- people tease him for being on the dance team

- 15 year olds sophomore

- wants to be a veterinarian

- owns a chicken for some reason

- no one knows how he got a chicken

- chickens name is Kentucky (hehe)

- is a cinnamon roll 🥺

- body dysmorphia

- has eating disorder

- nicknamed sunshine (brought to you by blink)

- has braces

- has mainly girl friends and everyone thinks he’s dating them

- he/him

- pansexual

- civil rights activist

- hates when blink gets hurt

- is a crackhead some times

- is a vegetarian

- works lighting for blog interviews and reports

- PDA is not his thing but he doesn’t mind it

- BOTTOM WHO LOOKS LIKE A TOP

- people think he’s a crybaby when in reality, he rarely cries

- loves disneyland and disney in general

- friends with everyone

- is the matchmaker

- cuddle bug with blink

- mostly C’s and B’s on his report card

- real name is aaron (hehe)

- is a romantic so… mush

Bumlets:

- emo vibes

- on dance team

- is secretly good at soccer

- gamer boi

- has only been in one long term relationship

- is broken hearted

- keeps to himself

- they/he

- pansexual

- had a crush on blink for a bit

- has crushed on every newsie at least once

- is pretty chill

- 15 year old sophomore

- currently single

- taking AP classes with david

- is like really smart

- reads AO3

- doesn’t like wattpad

- plays CoD and halo

- rages when he games

- LOVES GRILLED CHEESE

- scary dog privilege (owns a pit bull)

- pit bulls name is kiara

- knows how to ballroom dance

- romantic boi

- doesn’t open up easily

- knows how mush got his chicken

- friends with poor spot

- is a writer for blog because he can actually spell

- real name is lucas

- has depression hence “bumlets”

- surprisingly really strong

- ✨flexible✨

Skittery:

- one of the oldest newsies (terms of joining)

- only talks to bumlets and jack

- doesn’t like david to much

- has a RBF

- is 16 (turns 17 in august)

- is a junior

- smokes cigarettes

- doesn’t have social media

- is on the varsity water polo team

- ✨rings galore✨

- tries to be cool

- has 2 cats

- cats are cheesy and monica

- has an older brother in college

- works at 7 11

- is not looking for a relationship

- he/him

- straight ally

- tried being gay but didn’t work out

- drinks white wine

- always stressed

- decent student

- A- average

- friends with all the coaches

- headphones are his lifesaver

- is a very numb human

- always has cold skin for some reason

- even in like 100 degree weather he is still cold to the touch

- had facebook then deleted it because hack found his account and spammed it

- historical fiction type of dude

- is the one who finds all of the info to give to writers/reporters for blog

- loves bumlets dog

- drives a toyota prius

- real name is jefferson

- no one but jack knows how he got the name skittery

Crutchie:

- was in a car accident

- real name is charles

- has social anxiety and dyslexia

- should get picked on but jack doesn’t let that happen

- soft boi

- technically isn’t a newsie but shows up to the meetings

- is a emotional support teddy bear

- is the assistant director for the school plays

- best friends are jack, sarah, and mush

- only has instagram

- terrified of heights

- occasionally sleeps over at meddas

- adults love this child

- they/them

- gay

- loves disney

- knows the entire hunchback of notre dame movie by heart

- is 14 years old

- freshman. the only freshman newsie

- child of the group

- goes to all of his friends game or competitions to cheer them on

- is really short

- like REALLY SHORT

- says “rawr” a lot

Medda:

- jack and races mother

- (A SINGLE MOM WHO WORKS TWO JOBS WHO LOVES HER KIDS AND NEVER STOPS WITH GENTLE HANDS AND THE HEART OF A FIGHTERRRR IMMA SURVIVOR)

- is a voice actress

- has been in disney films

- “if you’re going to drink id rather you do it in the house” mentality

- hates the idea of nicotine

- on the PTA

- has annual passes to disneyland

- loves all the newsies

- wants to adopt poor spot

- is in her late 30s to early 40s

- she/her

- straight… kind of

- she says she’s straight but by definition she’s pan

- civil rights activist

- has an ACAB sticker on her car

- PRIDE FLAGS EVERYWHERE

- if the sexuality/gender exists in the lgbtq+ community, she has their flag

- likes gardening

- will never use the wrong pronouns

- doesn’t really eat at chain restaurants

- not afraid to kill someone who hurts one of the newsies

- i’m serious

- she’s tried

- ….

Les:

- in 5th grade; 10

- friends with poor spots siblings

- is friends with the newsies

- loves medda

- is like another crutchie without the trauma/depression/anxiety/etc.

- asks david if him and jack are dating

- he knew david was 💅 before david did

- loves it when one or all of the newsies picks him up from school

- everyone loves him

- got picked on for having a “looser brother”

- spot (both poor and rich) picked him up one time with david. said “if you have a problem with les, you got a problem with me!”

- les was never bothered again

- gets lifted onto the guy’s shoulders all the fricking time

- loves feeling tall

- wants to play football like jack

- is very smart

- is ridiculously fast

- he has the fastest mile time in the whole grade

- teachers pet

- doesn’t have many friends his age

- brags about the newsies to his classmates

[oddone95]

The Cycle of Hatred in Naruto fandom.

Ok, so I just wanted to write a little post on why this fandom (Naruto fandom that is) needs to chill and stop hating on each other so much. But first, let’s get clear in our minds that “Naruto” is a business franchise, and the goal of any business venture is to earn 💰. Earn money by evoking emotions in you. Now that this is clear, let’s move on. This will be a short (not rant) but rather advise to the various “camps” in this community.

1. To the remaining NaruSaku bunch:

Yes, I get it, you’re disappointed with the ending. Yes, you wanted Naruto with Sakura and apparently you cannot see how in the world NaruHina even happened. But if you took your bias out for a bit, you would see that pairing Naruto with Hinata was THE ONLY positive outcome for Naruto romance-wise. Or did you really want Naruto to end up with a “prize” that never even ONCE expressed her desire to be with him romantically in any way, shape or form. And don’t bring up the fake confession because this is all that is. FAKE. To save the love of her life from sinking into darkness. And how can you go around Hinata’s heartfelt confession during the Pein arc? So, please STOP insulting Hinata and her fans - let people enjoy the canon pairings that were planned from the beginning of serialisation of the project.

2. To the very vocal SNS community:

I’ll just keep it simple. If Masashi Kishimoto wanted this manga to be shonen-ai or yaoi, he would’ve acted on it. Editor or not, Kishi stands behind his story. He always has. And please don’t bring the supposed “homophobia” into this. Homophobia is a very serious rl issue that affects millions of people worldwide and you’re NOT helping the cause by insulting and hating on people enjoying the het canon pairings of Narutoverse. You do realize that your rants about it only trigger more hate towards yourselves and the cycle of hatred goes on. So we all end up bashing real living breathing humans “for the sake” of inked characters.. Let it sink in.

3. To the die hard SasuKarin minority:

Bruh.. There’s so much I’d like to bring up here but I’ll stick to basics. Firstly, your claim to be Sasuke fans is ridiculous because you seem to view him as a mindless, powerless beta male that was harassed by a woman SO HARD that he decided to give it to her.. really?! Is that who you think he is? Because that’s what you all seem to claim by saying that “Sakura chased after him”. You take that line from Gaiden and take it completely out of context. Do you know ANYTHING about Sasuke? Anything at all? If there’s anything manga taught us about his character is that Sasuke Uchiha acts as he pleases. He did so when he first left the village, he did so when he killed Orochimaru, he did so when he fought with Naruto, he did so when he willingly gave up his old worldview, and he did so when he married his wife. And you bring up “rape” into the matter. Seriously?! Do I need to bring up the sweaty t-shirts, licking somebody all over and ravaging them in their sleep? Do I? Thankfully, Karin redeemed herself by worrying about Sasuke’s wife well-being enough to deliver her baby and by thinking about HER happiness in Sasuke Shinden. She clearly cares about the Uchiha family wellbeing more than you do. She moved on!! So should you.

4. To NaruHina and SasuSaku respectively:

There is NO popularity contest. Man, I can’t believe we’ve got to this. There is absolutely NO popularity contest between Sakura and Hinata, neither there is for their romances. They’re different, just as the girls are different, and the boys are different. There is no such thing as a cookies cutter perfect romance. They’re written differently and I’m thankful to Kishimoto for that. I wouldn’t want every couples way to the altar copy-pasted. SS is angstier and more complicated. Their history is different. Yes. NH has been more subtle during the Shippuden but both pairings came together as was planned and we should feel proud and victorious that our ships made it to canon. But that’s too boring I guess. I guess tearing each other down is the new sport. So please tell me: what has Sakura ever done to Hinata except for being a good friend?! Same goes for Hinata. Can you put away your hate for Sakura/Hinata for one minute to appreciate the fact that the girls are ACTUALLY HAPPY! The way it was planned from the beginning. They’ve both suffered, ached and spilled tears for the men they love SO MUCH. And now they’re happy! Can’t we celebrate that?! This brings me to my next and final point.

5. To Sakura haters:

I’ll keep it brief. I honestly really truthfully DO NOT get WHY you hate on her so much.I REALLY DON’T.

5.1. For those of you who hate her for getting in the way of your ship, please see above. You really must either not have read the manga, or fanfiction.net is your source of truth. Hating her for being paired with Sasuke is same as hating Kishimoto for making Naruto a jinchuuriki because both canon facts were pre-planned by the author.

5.2. If you hate her for being mean to Naruto, then I suggest reading the manga past chapter 3 because this misconception gets debunked really quickly. You should stop refusing to accept the fact that Sakura really cares about Naruto as a friend and a precious teammate.

5.3. If you hate her for being “useless”, I don’t even know what to tell you because.. you know.. you don’t know the content of the manga called “Naruto” so why don’t you put away your bias for a minute and try to see what I see? All you have to do is clear your mind of all misconceptions and just read the manga with, you know, open mind?! To see how many lives she saved, how much of strength she has considering her humble beginnings, and how much valued she is in the village.

To the rest of Naruto fandom that gets swayed in every direction influenced by reviewers on social media, extremist shippers or even have trouble realizing that characters are fictional and nothing really happens to them unless it’s written into the canon verse by the author, I have one advice to you: please don’t let anyone’s opinions affect your judgement. YouTube reviewers are PAID to provoke and trigger you. They earn money by imposing THEIR ideas and theories onto YOU. Some of them bring their own life experiences into the discussion which only causes you to self-insert.

Naruto is an awesome manga! It deals with such important issues and carries such a positive message! Please, STOP ruining it by pointless wars that only fuel more hate!

Now. Going back to my first point about the money. Anime production studios have a huuuge interest in you staying glued to the screens. They’ll do anything to provoke you to talk about whatever happens on screen. They will bring their own bias into the mix, and fuel this madness even more. For the anime only fans I will say that you’re doing a huge disservice to yourself and to the work of art that “Naruto” is by only watching anime. It adds another layer of interpretation thus confusing you even more. Please, read the manga! It’s so worth it!

[maddrmatt]

A Beautiful Future: A Premonition or a Punishment?

New to this fanfic? Click here to properly begin!

Greetings, readers and fellow SoKai fans!

Time for a certain Princess of Heart to take the spotlight in this story!  

Fair bit of warning though, I sort of used this chapter to showcase a few headcanons and speculations regarding the future of the series.  

Also, there’s a little challenge within this chapter that you can take on if you wish.

Enjoy!

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Chapter 3: Writings of a Princess

Land of Departure

Dear Sora,

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote to you.  I haven’t really had anything really important to tell you since I came here.

Now something incredible has just happened and I had to tell you first before anyone else.  But before that, here’s a few updates on what’s been happening on this side of reality.

I’m still training hard.  No offense to Merlin, but I think I’m getting way better with my Keyblade training under Master Aqua than him.

My days here at the Land of Departure are filled with learning various fighting techniques or improving my magic skills.  And to test them, I often spar with Aqua, Terra or Ven.  One day, I might even get a perfect score against one of them in our matches.

All of three of them and Chirithy have been very good to me. They’ve really made me feel like part of their family.

But as great as it’s been with them, they’re no true replacement for everyone back home.  I miss everyone:  Mom, Dad, Selphie, Wakka, Tidus, Riku, and you.  Especially you.

Sorry, Sora.  It’s just so hard every day knowing that you’re trapped in that fictional world.  I really wish I could’ve gone there with Riku to save you.  But after being out of action for a year and the fact that I couldn’t even land a single blow on that memory of Xehanort, I knew it was the better choice to stay behind and train even if I didn’t like it.

I really hope Riku finds you soon.  We’re all so worried about both of you.  Since nobody really knows anything about this Quadratum place, we’ve all thought Riku was a little hasty in just taking off there alone.

We still haven’t heard anything from Mickey yet either. Hopefully, he’ll come back soon from Scala Ad Caelum, and he’ll have found something we can use to help you and Riku.  Until that happens, all the rest of us can do is wait.

Anyway, time to tell you the real reason for this latest letter, Sora. And you are not going to believe what it is.  I can hardly believe it myself.

Last night, I had a dream.  It was actually the first dream I’ve had since I came to the Land of Departure.

Not that I’ve minded not having dreams just in case they ended up being recreations of my worst memories.  I’ve already watched you vanish twice.  I don’t think I could bear to watch it happen again in my dreams.

But the dream I had was nothing like that at all.  It was of a wedding, Sora.  Our wedding.

It was an amazing sight.  It was in this gigantic chapel that looked like it was in Radiant Garden, and it was filled with all your friends from around the worlds.

Many of our fellow Guardians of Light and closest friends made up our wedding party.  It was hardly a surprise to see Selphie as my maid of honor or Riku as your best man.

You looked so handsome in the suit you were wearing.  And judging from the stunned look on your face when you saw me coming down the aisle, I must’ve looked pretty beautiful to you.

It was truly incredible, Sora.  It felt so real and so wonderful.  I wished it never ended.

But, unfortunately, as it is with dreams, we all have to wake up eventually.  And when I did, the happiness I felt ended up giving way to other emotions as I reflected on the dream.

First of all, I felt a little confused.  As good as that dream was, I couldn’t help but wonder why I had it at all.  I mean, wouldn’t you find a little strange to have a dream about a wedding especially since we haven’t even had our first kiss yet?  It’s kind of rushing things a little.  

But don’t get me wrong, Sora.  I know, deep down in my heart, how we truly feel about each other. I wouldn’t have shared that paopu fruit with you otherwise.  And when the time is right for it, the idea of getting married to you is something I will embrace wholeheartedly.

So, I thought more about the dream and believe it or not, I started to think that it was not merely just a dream.  I wonder if what I saw was our future.  It definitely did feel like that since there were so many unfamiliar parts in it.  

For example, I had no idea there was a tradition in Radiant Garden weddings for the bride and groom to crown each other with symbolic flowers.  Then again, I could have known that if the knowledge came from a memory from when I lived there.  Maybe I attended a wedding there when I was young.

But what really stood out to me and made me believe that this could be our future was the many unfamiliar guests.  I knew that because I’ve been studying the details of your last two journeys from Jiminy’s Journal and the Gummi Phone.  And even though the Journal of your first journey was erased (Naminè’s still really sorry about that), I still remember everything about it from being in your heart through it all.

So, I was able to recognize who you had met and who were strangers. They were far too numerous to mention. But here are some examples that really stood out to me.

A tall woman with long black hair wearing a tan colored dress and a beautiful turquoise necklace with a raccoon, a dog and I think I saw a hummingbird flittering around her.

A pair of robots, one yellow and box-shaped, the other white and cylindrical, who were holding hands.

A couple that consisted of a redhaired woman and blonde-haired man who appeared to have some kind of hairless rodent on his shoulder.

A teenage boy and girl along with a younger boy and a company of animals such as a bear with gray fur, a panther, an elephant with a tuft of brown hair and a quartet of vultures.

A large family that appeared to be a mix of humans and skeletons along with a very colorful winged dog and a giant winged cat.

A boy with red hair (whose head looked triangular) along with another boy with green hair and a bunch of other teenagers as well as some kind of strange teal animal that looked like a cross between a duck and a beaver and a man with brown hair, poor posture and wearing a lab coat (who wears that to a wedding?).

A princess dressed in a beautiful green gown accompanied by a prince in a green suit with a blonde woman dressed in pink, a short old woman dressed in white and wearing sunglasses and a snake around her shoulders as well as an alligator who was carrying a trumpet.

A very unusual group consisting of two men and a woman with blue skin and pointy ears along with a dog-sized dragon, a centaur, and a winged lionlike creature with horns and a scorpion’s tail.

A girl with bushy brown hair among what appeared to be a family of giant frogs.

A woman dressed like she was some kind of islander with a burly man with numerous tattoos (I think I saw one of them move) over his body along with a pig and a chicken that didn’t look very smart.

A family who seemed to be some kind of royalty consisting of a princess in a simple green dress with long curly red hair along with three identical boys with the same kind of hair, their big, strong father with a peg leg and their very elegant mother.

A boy and a girl who looked like they were twin siblings who were accompanied by a pair of old men who looked like twins as well.

A redhaired boy in the company of a group of what looked like various human-sized bugs.

There were so many more, but I think I’ll stop here.  With the large number of guests at this wedding, I could go on listing them for a long time.  But it does seem there’s a lot more friends for you in the future.

Unfortunately, while I was mulling over the dream further, a horrible thought came to me.  I started to wonder if the dream, as beautiful as it was, wasn’t meant to bring me happiness at all because it was actually showing the future that we could have had but now would never have.  And the true reason of it was to punish me for my failures in the fight against Xehanort.

I know you wouldn’t like to hear this, Sora.  But there are still days where I can’t help but feel responsible for your disappearance and think that if I had made some different choices, you’d still be here.

I know it was my choice to fight alongside you because I wanted to keep you safe the same way you’ve always done for me.  But looking back, I now see it was foolish to assume that my training alongside Axel would turn me into a Keyblade wielder on yours or Riku’s level. And it was probably an even worse idea for a wielder with very little actual battle experience to go from basic training to a high stakes battle with nothing in between.

We may have been desperate to stop Xehanort before he went after the New Seven Hearts especially since he had already assembled all his darknesses. But we probably could’ve and should’ve explored some other options instead of going to fight the Organization right away after you woke Ven.

Since Ienzo told us that they had a replica body ready before we even left for the Keyblade Graveyard, we could’ve gotten Roxas or maybe even Xion out of your heart before the fight.  In Axel’s words, they were the old hands when it came to Keyblades.

We also could have made a bigger effort to find and save Terra first even if our chances were pretty low.  That would not only have gotten us a more experienced wielder, but it would’ve also lowered Xehanort’s ranks by one.

Maybe if we had done things that way, we would’ve had more experienced Keyblade wielders to fill out the Seven Guardians of Light.  And even if it would be disappointing to be put in the reserves, it would’ve been worth it if it led to you being safe.

So, those are the reasons I believed that dream was a punishment. But you’ll be glad to know, Sora, that I only entertained those beliefs briefly.

After thinking it over some more, I decided that it didn’t matter what that dream’s purpose was.  Comfort or punishment, I’m going to actually use it to serve my own purposes instead.

I’m going to let it remind me of what my ultimate goal is and drive me to be the best Keyblade wielder I can be.  One that’s going to make the forces of darkness think twice before causing trouble and one that you and Riku will be proud to have fighting alongside you.  And hopefully, that will lead us to a future like the one in the dream or at least one that’s pretty close.

In fact, after seeing that dream, I think I may end up actually proposing a couple of ideas to Aqua and Master Yen Sid.  I’ve been thinking about them a lot and maybe now is the time to try to put them into action.

Since I need to get some real battle experience to become a stronger Keyblade wielder, I’d like to go on a journey throughout the worlds to gain some. Hopefully, Aqua will think it’s a good idea.  And even though there’s been little sign of the Heartless and Nobodies since Xehanort’s defeat, there is one thing I really wish to do.

I’d like to try to find and identify the remaining three of the New Seven Hearts.  After all, who’d better to find them than someone who’s part of the same group?  And if we knew who they were and what their home worlds were, we’d be in a better position to protect them if someone tried what Maleficent and Xehanort did.

Who knows?  Maybe all those unfamiliar faces at the wedding were not only friends you’ll make on future adventures, but ones I’ll make on my own adventures.  Maybe even the remaining New Seven Hearts were among them.

I also have an idea that may be able to help in the quest to bring you home. If Fairy Godmother could bring me back to the Final World, I could talk to that girl from Quadratum again.  She may not be able to remember certain things. But she might be able to tell us something about that world that could help.  

Naminè might even be able to help with this plan.  Even if you only met that girl briefly, that may be enough for her to be considered connected to you and therefore, Naminè’s memory powers can work on her.

Hopefully, the Masters will think that these are good plans.  I really want to do any part I can to not only help bring you and Riku home, but also to protect the worlds as both a Keyblade wielder and a Princess of Heart.  After all, with you two gone, someone’s got to pick up the slack.

Well, I think that’s enough for now.  It’s nearly time for breakfast and then it’s training until lunch.  But before I go, there’s just one final thing I’d like to say.

Whether that beautiful dream shows a wonderful future that is meant to be or not, it doesn’t matter.  Because the only kind of future I’ll ever wish for is one in which we’re safe, we’re happy, and we’re together.  That’s all I really need.

See you soon,

Kairi

________________________________________________________________

Much later, the training hall in the Land of Departure was filled with the sounds of clashing Keyblades and various shouts of magical invocation.  While those sounds were nothing uncommon in that location, there was an unusual intensity that day.

As Aqua, Ven and Chirithy watched, a heated sparring match was taking place between Kairi and Terra.  But much to their surprise, the more experienced Keyblade wielder was actually struggling as the young rookie was keeping him mostly on the defensive.

“Wow!  Kairi’s on fire today!” exclaimed Ven.

“She is, indeed,” concurred Chirithy.

“Well, she has improved a lot in her skills since she came here.  But you two are right.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen her this driven before,” said Aqua.

“You’ve got that right, Aqua.  If she lands one more hit on Terra, this’ll be the first time she’s won by a perfect score,” said Ven.

As the match went on, Terra blocked blow after blow from Kairi.  Then, strangely, she ceased her attack.

Terra saw his opportunity and charged toward her with a downward slash. The Princess dodged to the right narrowly avoiding the hit.

“Light!” she cried out as she fired a small but powerful Light spell at Terra’s side.  He grunted as the magic struck him and knocked him off his feet.

“Point to Kairi,” declared Aqua.

“That’s three to nothing!  Kairi wins!” exclaimed Ven as Chirithy clapped its paws together.

“Well done, Kairi,” said Aqua.

“Thank you, Master Aqua,” Kairi said as she walked over to Terra and helped him up.  

After exchanging bows with each other, the Princess of Heart said, “I hope that didn’t hurt you too badly, Terra.”

Terra chuckled.  “Not at all.  It helps that you’ve learned how to restrain your magic during training.  But I’ve got to say, Kairi that I am impressed. That’s the first time since you’ve come here that I’ve been unable to land a single hit on you.”

“You’ve certainly come a long way, Kairi.  Today, you showed some truly exceptional skill and strength.  You should be very proud of yourself,” said Aqua as she, Ven and Chirithy approached.

“Well, I’ve had a good teacher and some great sparring partners.  But I think it really helped that when I woke up today, I just felt a little extra drive,” said Kairi.

“Yes.  We noticed,” said Aqua.

“Why is that exactly?” asked Chirithy.

A certain smile came to Kairi’s face which caused her four friends to exchange knowing looks.  They had spent plenty of time with her by now to know what exactly brought out that special smile of hers: thoughts of a certain someone close to her heart.

“I had the most amazing dream.”

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Notes from the Mad Doctor:

I thought the best way for Kairi’s spotlight chapter would be to do in the style of one of her letters to Sora.  I’ve used it before as readers of my big fic Kairi’s Epic Journey would know.

So, in case it wasn’t obvious, the challenge I mentioned at the start is that list of unknown guests.  It was quite a challenge to write all those characters by description alone.  I hope you all will take a shot at identifying them. Some are pretty obvious, but some may be a little more difficult.

I hope I did a good job in trying not to make this chapter’s narrative too similar to the previous chapters.  I actually tried having Kairi leap to the punishment notion before the premonition notion.  But unfortunately, the flow didn’t work right.

Fortunately, the views on the punishment notion are a little different. Sora has absolutely no regrets for what he did and believes that he’s being unfairly punished for breaking rules he had no idea existed.  Kairi, however, believes her punishment is deserved since she blames herself for what happened to Sora.  Fortunately, both are able to use that dream to keep on fighting.

I hope you all aren’t put off that this is more like a series of one-shots centered around a certain plot device (the wedding dream) instead of a congruent storyline.  That was what this project ended up being.

I give my thanks to whoever reads this chapter.

I also give my special thanks to @fandomchanger, @flynn-science​, and @ladylucky​ for their likes on the previous chapters as well as @sokaiweek, @phoenix-downer, and @the-secret-place​ for reblogging the previous chapter.

Comments, likes and reblogs are much appreciated!  Stay tuned for what comes next because it’s going to be a real feel-good chapter!

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Onto the next chapter!

[a-duck-with-a-book]

REVIEW // Nevernight (The Nevernight Chronicle, #1) by Jay Kristoff

★☆☆☆☆

So I’m very late to the party, but I just finished reading Nevernight by Jay Kristoff I had such high hopes for this series based off of what people recommending it had told me and what I read about it before picking up. Dark fantasy? Check. Strong leading lady? I’m here for it. Gays? It’s literally my only personality trait. Sign me up. Unfortunately, this book fell flat in all those categories. It reminded me a lot of Sarah J. Maas’s Throne of Glass, which made me take one point off of to begin with simply for making me think of Maas’s writing. Overall, I just found the book to be too predictable, with bad writing, exposition, and pacing, and too many parts that just made me ~uncomfortable~.

In case you are not familiar with this novel, Nevernight tells the story of Mia Corvere, a girl who lost her family when she was a child after her father was convicted of treason. When the book begins, she is 16 years old and embarking on a journey to join the Red Church, a school for assassins, so that she may one day be able to avenge her father’s death. Along the way she meets a bunch of forgettable characters whose names I can’t be bothered to remember and is taught by the most fearsome killers in the Republic. Here she gains many valuable skills, like how to survive being poisoned, how to fight, and how to get big boobs.

+ Side note: by chapter 3 three I started picturing Mia as the crow guy from RWBY and I could not shake that for the rest of the book

I had many issues with this novel that I will try to summarize in some sort of coherent fashion, but to be honest this book sucked the will to live out of me so I don’t know how much energy I can put into this review.

// image: official cover art by Jason Chan //

FOOTNOTES

The footnotes were probably the most jarring element of the book for me, and, unfortunately, there’s a lot of them. Their function seems to be twofold:

they are the form of most of the world-building, explaining several customs, the history of the institutions and peoples Mia meets, and the mythology followed by the people of the Republic.

they allow for the narrator of our story to interrupt with comical one-liners or cryptic foreshadowing

In my humble opinion, both of these are unnecessary and stupid. The interruptions come off as crass and immature and make the other more textbook, boring exposition come off as a joke, especially when it is dealing with sensitive or serious topics. There is one that explains this brothel called the Seven Flavors, which the footnote explains refer to “Boy, Girl, Man, Woman, Pig, Horse, and, if sufficient notice and coin was given, Corpse.” Now, on its own, this passing mention of pedophilia, bestiality, and necrophilia could very well contribute to the world building and tone of the novel, but when placed side by side with the childish, joking tone of the “cue the violiiiiiiiins” or, regarding the acoustics of a room, “…they were, as it happens, exceptional. Falalalalalalaaaaaaaa”, come off as way too light-hearted for the topic at hand. Maybe I’m being way too sensitive, but I’m pretty tired of authors using serious topics as off-hand remarks as a lazy way to make their world daker and grittier. Plus, these footnotes were just so incredibly cringy that I would recoil from second-hand embarrassment every time. They resemble the things I wrote when I was 14 and trying (and miserably failing) to be funny. Also… there are way too many of them. While at first I appreciated the attempt to deepen the lore of the story (I’m a sucker for world-building), after a while it became evident that the author was just forcing information down our throats without taking the time to actually weave the lore and background into the story itself. It came off as a very lazy way to force exposition.

OVERLY FLOWERY LANGUAGE

This story is BRIMMING with similes and metaphors, like every other sentence is some overly complicated way to describe something that could have been presented in three words. When you include so many metaphors/similes/etc., they begin to lose power. They should allow the reader to extrapolate more meaning and emotion from a sentence, but if the book is bursting at the seams with them, they become increasingly ordinary, to the point of losing all of their luster. One prime example appears on page 30:

“It was a bucktoothed little shithole, and no mistake. Not the most miserable building in all creation. [here there is a footnote about some other inn/brothel] But if the inn were a man and you stumbled into him in a bar, you’d be forgiven for assuming he had—after agreeing enthusiastically to his wife’s request to bring another woman into their marriage bed—discovered his bride making up a pallet for him in the guest room.”

So first of all what the fuck is that supposed to mean? That whole paragraph is a fever dream. Let’s begin with “bucktoothed little shithole”. Bucktoothed? Really? What does that mean. Please, someone explain to be right now what a bucktoothed building is. Is it uneven? Is it awkward? Is it half-finished? Is one side longer than the other? Did they do a bad paint job that only covers on side? Are the windows askew? Is the door too big for its frame? We already know from the paragraph above that it is “disheveled” as well, so why the need for another weird phrasing of its appearance? We then move on to that whole JOURNEY of a sentence, where the inn is compared to a man being cuckolded. That is the most insane tale-can you imagine running into someone in a bar and that story being the VERY FIRST thing that runs through your mind??? I know I’m focusing way too much on this stupid paragraph, but basically what I am trying to get at is that even though we spend half a page talking about how bucktoothed and disheveled and cuckolded this building is, we get no actual physical description of it. Imagine if Kristoff had just written that it was a run-down, ill-kept building that looked as worse for wear as its owner did. Done, one sentence. Great. Let’s move on. Instead, we spend so long reading these absolutely batshit descriptions that ultimately tell us next to nothing. Flowery language is placed over actual context. You may think that a description this long and complex means that this inn is a significant or recurring setting in the novel. Nope. It’s not. Mia leaves and that’s that. The reason that I’m focusing so much on this objectively irrelevant paragraph is because it is so representative of the biggest issue I have with the writing in this book. There are so many unnecessary comparisons that function only to make the author feel clever rather than add anything to the story at all. It’s very à la 2010s Tumblr.

THE (IN MY OPINION, BAD) WRITING

For the first half of the book, we are constantly being TOLD things rather than being SHOWN things. With the exception of one of the teachers cutting off Mia’s arm, we rarely see the ruthlessness that the assassins are so feared for, but we hear about it in nearly every other sentence Where are the consequences? I think this book would have been way more enjoyable if there were actually consequences to the characters’ actions. The inclusion of the weaver and the weird vampire guy completely remove any tension regarding the fate of the central cast. When Mia had her arm chopped off, I was shocked, and pleasantly surprised. How was she going to overcome this unexpected obstacle in her training? Then a couple pages later, its reattached with absolutely no lasting consequences. All of the initial tension and shock value of the loss of Mia’s arm is entirely removed because of the two incest-y siblings. Their entire purpose for existing is just to undo all damage to the main characters. Then suddenly, out of the blue, Mia is willing to take on a ton of consequences and completely throw away her chance at becoming initiated in order to avenge her family just to save Tric from receiving like one punishment??? Like why?? As an aside, the only moment I truly enjoyed was when Ash fucking stabbed Tric to death. I assume that when the reader’s favorite moment is one of the central characters’ death, it does not bode well for their reception of the book.

THE THEMES

TW: rape-y subjects

The author seemed a little too keen to include rape and sexual assault in his story. Mia withdrew her consent in the sex scene in the very first chapter, and even if you read it as consensual (which I do not), it is described as incredibly unpleasant on her end. Tric is the result of a rape, which is brought up several times throughout the story. Further, Mia is constantly facing harassment from men. I understand that this is frames the idea that the world she lives in is misogynistic and ruthless, but there are other ways to push that idea through other than constantly putting in her in those situations. As in, this didn’t need to be the ONLY way we explored this subject. Beyond the uncomfortable propensity for sexual assault, I also very much disliked the sexualization of the 16-year-old main character. Oh. My. Gosh. Mia is CONSTANTLY sexualized. Every single damn character makes comments about her body, how hot she is, how much sex she potentially has. It is so weird and uncomfortable. I feel the need to reiterate that she is SIXTEEN. There is, however, a focus placed on the power Mia can gain from seducing her targets. Girl power? Not to me, really. The issue I have with this is the idea that a woman has to be overtly sexual in order to be considered powerful. This is something that we can see in many female assassins and supposedly powerful female characters in fiction (like Black Widow) especially those written by men. Now, there is nothing wrong with using one’s sexuality as a weapon, and I’m certainly not saying that a strong female character cannot be sexual, but the idea that a sixteen-year-old girl is shown having her body painfully modified tp be more desirable, and in a graphic sex scene with another character, in order to for the reader to read her as liberated and powerful does not sit well with me. I don’t really feel like this aspect of her training should be relevant to the overall story. I wish the time that Kristoff had dedicated to hammering into our heads that Mia is a femme fatale to developing her Darkin powers instead. The way she is written now feels more like she is a faux strong female character written for a male audience.

Secondly, Mia is fully written as “the plain-girl-who-is-actually-pretty”. This whole trope bothers me IMMENSELY. YA is full of girls who are described as plain, forgettable, or ugly while their physical descriptions are just the dictionary definition of conventionally attractive. It seems like a way to market off of girls’ self-consciousness while still being able to market the main character as a hot heroine in official art. And there is, of course, the issue of Mia’s boob job Readwithcindy (just “withcindy” now!) did a whole video about this so I won’t get into it much just to repeat what she already said, but I agree that the idea of a 30-something year old man including this completely unnecessary detail regarding the sexualization of teenage girl, who we have ALREADY seen in a rape and being sexualized by other men in the story, made me really, really, uncomfortable. I highly recommend you go watch her video, as she touches on this in way more detail. [Cindy's video

RATINGS

Worldbuilding: ★★☆☆☆

A lot of thought obviously went into the world-the mythology, society, and politics are well-thought out. But the way they are introduced is annoying and bland. It seems like the author put a lot of effort into constructing this world but realized a lot of it would be left out of the book, so he crammed it into footnotes instead.

Tone and writing style: ★☆☆☆☆ for first half, ★★★☆☆ for second half

The tone of the first half is all over the place, like it doesn’t know if it should be dark and gritty or comical and immature. Footnotes and character dialogue ranges from lighthearted and crass to seeped with themes of torture and sexual assault. It is jarring, to say the least, and often feels like the author doesn’t take these ideas of rape or violence seriously. There are so many instances where the scene is tense or gritty, and Kristoff is actually writing it pretty well, I’m enthralled and on the edge of my seat, and then Mia or some other character (or the footnotes) throw in some stupid comment or make the same “Mia is such an asshole lol” joke for the billionth time and completely ruin the mood of that scene. The second half of the book moved much faster and was helped with way better writing, but it really did not do enough to make up for the horrendous structure of the first half of the book.

Pacing and structure: ★☆☆☆☆

The first half of the book really drags on. Once we arrive at the school, there are constant jumps in timeline, marked with periods when a thousand things happen all at once and the plot moves forward at a dizzying rate, and others when the characters just seem to be going about their daily lessons.

Concept: ★★★☆☆

I found the overall idea of the books to be very interesting, even though it is certainly not the most original or unique concept for a YA fantasy book. The issue is that the potential is squandered with a poor execution.

Characters: ★☆☆☆☆

I truly did not care about any of the characters. The token mean girl, the bumbling nice-guy-who-is-definitely-the-love-interest. too many of the characters just sat nicely within their tropes, doing nothing much to pique my interests. I think my favorite overall was Mister Kindly.