#flora vents

[floral-poisons]

a small vent post about creating

if you come across this post, you can feel free to ignore it. but i kind of need to get this off my chest and i’m posting it on here because i truly believe that what i have to say has value. and maybe this will gain traction, maybe it won’t. who knows.

i haven’t gotten to my drafts in over a month. in truth, i am exhausted. it’s hard to write when your energy is low. but also, part of my disappearing motivation, which kind of disappeared within a snap, is because of how my posts just plummeted.

maybe it’s because the interest in twisted wonderland went away. things come and go in cycles after all. but either way, seeing my posts plummet in numbers suddenly made me not want to create anymore.

it’s really easy to say “create for yourself and the rewards will come.” but in my opinion, every single post i’ve seen about that (and that i have even reblogged) comes from a privileged standpoint.

creating fandom content is work, unpaid work, and often underappreciated and also heavily scrutinized. i was fortunate enough to have the energy to make content and share it to others and even more so to have people take interest in my work.

but it’s extremely disheartening to watch my posts plummet and essentially bomb. and to say “create for yourself and x will come” is privileged because it tells me that your voice has always mattered. it matters to the point where you are fortunate enough to have the patience to wait for the rewards to come.

for me, i’ve been told my voice hasn’t mattered for, essentially, all my life. since i was born. seeing my posts get interactions, seeing people like what i write, comment on it, proves to me my voice does matter. it’s solid, inevitable proof that people appreciate my hard work and a craft i am still attempting to perfect for myself.

the way my spirits just collapsed when i wrote my twst dorms hanfu series and seeing just the lack of interactions. it broke my heart in so many ways. i wanted to write something connected to my culture in a way that is appreciative, in a way that isn’t fetishized and viewed with a skewed lens of racism. the way those posts plummeted told me that my culture and therefore my being didn’t matter anymore. this fandom got its angst and fluff and general writings and left. it’s so easy to tell when readers are only interested in reading if it fits their whiteness.

(of course i can’t even begin to address the fact that my posts do much more poorly in comparison to posts that are tailored to fem! readers alone and the politics behind that)

to say “create for yourself (and only yourself) and the rewards will come” and that validation isn’t necessary just strikes me as so so privileged. some of us writers need, and like, validation because it brings a certain message. our voices matter, our stories matter.

on top of that, i pride myself on my personal beliefs. i grew up in fandom spaces tailored to white readers (specifically white girls/women). those spaces created very real insecurities in myself and only enhanced my self loathing as a person. i want to make stuff that doesn’t just stick to the usual formula. i purposely craft my language to be inclusive. no descriptions of skin tone or outright descriptions of blushing or hair textures or eye colors or height or body shape or anything. and yet my reward for being inclusive? posts that just don’t gain traction.

i don’t just want to create for myself. i want to create for other people to give them the fandom spaces and fics that i didn’t have, let them see themselves in fics that would normally exclude them. and yet, the work is so exhausting. and it feels like creating for myself isn’t enough because what my posts tell me is that my work doesn’t matter. my culture doesn’t matter. my existence and voice don’t matter.

i’m grateful for the followers i have amassed, for the people who interact with my posts regardless of what they are, for the people who appreciate the lengths i go to to create a space for everyone. i can’t write everything sadly. i wish i could. but people in those groups can and their voices deserve to be heard.

i don’t spend much time on here on purpose. i have schoolwork, applications, friends, a life outside of this. getting caught up online only leads to my already poor mental health to being poorer. i am just so busy and my interests also change quite a bit, causing my motivation to decrease in, say, twisted wonderland but increase when it comes to anything related to ghost (the metal band).

this is not supposed to be a post that’s a pity party. i don’t want pity nor comfort. this is also not a call out or anything. just a general observation i’ve personally noticed.

i just want people to listen and to consider the fact that saying things like “create for yourself and x will come” and “you don’t need validation” comes from places of privilege. those places told you your endeavors, personhood, voices, products matter.

be careful about your wording even if it’s meant to be appreciative and you had good intentions.

and algorithms, you fucking suck. probably because whoever coded you was all kinds of -ists and -phobics.

[wayfayrr]

15 for the prompt please!

I know this is for the micro fics, and should be a smaller fic but.

I had this ask at a very fortunate time - I'm dropping the fic below a read more just to be safe as it's an incredibly venty fic. Working through some stuff that happened earlier today and trying to process it. So it ended up a little longer than just a few sentences.

it's from wild's pov with different details to my own situation, however it has been written from my own experience.

cw: minor character death, flora bashing.

15. trembling hands.

They're dead. One of the few people I knew and was friends with after I woke up is dead.

They passed away while I was with the chain in a different hyrule and I never got to give them a proper goodbye. In only a couple of months they would have turned twenty. But their life got cut short because of stray tech.

I know I don't have the right to feel as upset as others are by this, I haven't spoken to them in at least a year now. However, that doesn't make the pain any less bearable, if anything it only makes me feel more guilty for feeling this way. This part of it will pass though, I have support though it. People to hold my trembling hands.

The part that's hard to accept is how I found out about their passing. Ever since I've started to branch out from the person she knew before the calamity Flora hasn't been acting the same. Or... the same way she did after she got over the her own issue with me using the master sword at a younger age than she could use her magic, or maybe she was simply this rotten the whole time and I was simply blind to it all. Either way it makes no difference to me now.

It was pure cruelty the way I was told in the first place, her smile and nonchalant tone etched into the back of my mind since. It was like she was making a comment about the weather, not telling me about the passing of someone who I considered a friend in our time together. 'but I didn't know you were friends with them, I only thought you knew of them.' Like it should have made me feel any better that she was this callous about another person's death.

It wasn't made any easier when she found me crying over them later that evening.

Nor how she told me to stop crying due to 'my anger towards her'.

I'll never be able to forget that.

With help from the chain I was able to work through it though, being able to come back into myself. Being able to smile again after a few weeks, even though it was shaky with any slight upset being enough to make it shatter.

When she saw that, it was like another switch flipped in her. This time highlighting her actions for what they likely always were, intentional to hurt me, to break me down, to keep me dependant on her, to be her perfect mouldable knight.

Hiding their funeral from me, keeping it hidden till it had already passed. Only choosing to mention it to one of the hateno kids in a conversation she knew that I would be able to overhear. Asking them about how how one of their friends was wearing formal clothes today, then turning to me with the same light tone she had when she announced their death. 'Oh yes, their funeral was earlier today. Apparently, it was a beautiful celebration, it had completely slipped my mind to tell you.'

My heart felt like it was stuffed with cotton and had plummeted into the lowest part of my body that it could.

How could she simply forget, when I was first told about their passing I had told her that we were close, albeit I hadn't spoken to them in a while. It shouldn't have been possible to have such an important event simply slip her mind. It had to be intentional.

The first time I cried, properly cried, in months was later that night. Later when I was away from her, alone with Twilight instead, someone whom I could trust. Even as he pushed me to be on good terms with her, no matter how she hurt me.

He held me as I sobbed, curling into myself while choking to breathe. Trying to pull myself back together so as to not ruin the day.

Still, hours later writing this, my hands won't stop trembling.

[florashifting]

I feel like I think that I'm pretty. But no one else would think I'm pretty. Does that make sense?

[helluvatimes]

Bread For The Young

A Yellow-vented Bulbul seeking food among the leaves for its nearby waiting juvernile. Photo credit: Eleanor Chua.

Noise at ISO 3200 came up to some 9 odd and had need to be fixed in post. But Neat Image, like many other noise reducing app now, would work more evidently on the smoother part of the image while leaving the more contrasty part practically alone. So in order to fix the intrusive noise on the bird, mid-tones were darkened a tad to render the noise less obvious.

[redgemwink]

i kinda don't care about fire emblem at all anymore,,

[safe-ship-harbored]

[mentally-an-almond]

I’M OFFICIALLY BROKEN.

So, as people might’ve heard, Disney plus has been taking certain original titles off their platform to cut costs. Which, doesn’t quite make sense in of itself, but I digress. Anyway.

They had the AUDACITY to take off two of my FAVORITE newer things on the platform. The Mysterious Benedict Society series and a movie called Magic Camp.

UGH I AM ACTUALLY DEVASTATED.

And because they’re Disney+ originals and such, I can NEVER WATCH THEM AGAIN which is absolutely TRAGIC. And I am so extremely mad that I can’t even form coherent thoughts. Just fuming right now. And yeah, this happened in may and I didn’t notice until now. But that is NOT THE POINT. The point is, I loved these things and Disney has RIPPED them out of my grasp. They also took of Flora and Ulysses which I WAS LITERALLY IN THE MIDDLE OF.

I also didn’t even know a new season of MBS had come out because I saw ZERO marketing for it. At this point Disney is just sabotaging themselves.

Agh I’m just so sad and mad and I need people to feel my pain.

[darlenicy]

What's about that "Musa and Tecna are best friends" and "Flora and Layla are best friends"? Ever watched season 2? Musa and Layla are the prime example for best friends

[mothdotz]

Here, take this AU I gave up on

The main gist of it was that after Miracle Queen, Marinette spends all of her time focusing on and only on tracking down Hawkmoth. Because she’s neglecting her hobbies and friends (plus just looking generally worn out), Sabine worries and in a last ditch effort to get Marinette happier (and out of the house more), she signs Marinette up for some Afterschool Art Program.

Flora is the club leader here with Alina helping along (and Felix sometimes sorta popping up.. for moral support). The actual leaders are the Quantic Kids (of course, excluding Marinette and Felix) who I’ve aged up for funsies. Chaos ensues.

—

But for like.. random context for an assortment of things, I just feel like Flora would be the kind of person to pick up random interests and would want to heavily indulge in it, but never have the motivation to go and actually do that.. so this program was something that Allegra was trying to get her to do to like get her to go outside of her comfort zone while also making sure she’s there to monitor it. (I am heavily projecting onto Flora).

Felix isn’t related to Adrien or to Richard Sphinx (probably). He’s just some guy (allegedly).

Because this AU had me both ignoring and rearranging the timeline of canon, Marinette and Alya had a falling out that has led to Marinette out right avoiding her (and the rest of the girl group) as much as possible.

[the-faultofdaedalus]

i think murderbot and hera would be besties

[anomaly444]

[izukuisbaby]

whichever of y’all that’s spam liking my girl needs to stop. respect the writers rules and just interact instead. they probably have enough to be doing then to be blocking ur ass for breaking boundaries

thank you thank you thank you, really. sometimes I feel like I'm crazy 4 blaming ppl for spamliking me cuz i don't want ppl to think I'm not grateful for all the notes I get. but ig if u really follow me and interact w me you'll know it's not the case. and like it's so unmotivating too, I'm glad I have babes like u who keep on supporting me even though I throw tantrums every once in a while 4 the same thing

[fyodior]

im sooo miserable rn

[florashifting]

Not to vent but I low-key feel like EVERYONE in my life is sick of me and low-key hates my guts lmao

[helluvatimes]

Safe At Home

A yellow-vented bulbul watching the photographer warily as it incubates its eggs. Photo credit: Jonathan Chua.

We nearly missed the nest as it was very well camouflaged among climbers near the top of a trellis. This had to be taken with the camera held overhead using live view. Thankfully, the camera with me that day had an articulated screen.

[redgemwink]

ooogh i guess i just related rlly heavily to the idea that we're all so miniscule. we're just specks in a world with billions of people. background characters in the lives of everyone around us. i kind of worry if my life will have any meaning in the end, i'm not smart and there's nothing i'm particularly good at. i don't have good self confidence, i'm not pretty as much as i wish i was, and i don't have anyone in my life that loves me.. seeing so many ppl happy and in love all the time rlly does mess me up sometimes bc it kinda makes me reflect on myself and think about all the things that make me so unlovable,, i know this is a completely different vibe than the cheerful catgirl you're used to but i think it's best that i don't bottle up feelings like these.. i think my life has at least some meaning as long as i'm able to even slightly enrich the lives of others but i'm not satisfied with that and that's why i dream so big and choose to believe my life will have a happy ending.