#foolish fool fools. if you wanted to reference the end of Issue Number One you need a PALER more DESATURATED yellow or a red/black gradient

[spider-man-2o99]

when are you gonna see the new spiderverse?

it's not set in stone or anything, but we're aiming for sometime within the first week of its release if we can afford it!!

(on the note of spoilers: i Strongly Prefer to not be spoiled, but they won't like. Ruin My Life or really even my Day, i just would prefer to not be spoiled cause it's. like. a dick move, y'know? thanks. love yall)

[dereksmcgrath]

I had said before that the number 108 can be unlucky. It wasn’t unlucky at all for My Hero Academia: Vigilantes. But 108 is kind of unlucky for this episode: not only are we focusing on the Villains, but we just aren’t giving their story the structure and emotional weight it deserves.

(I either opened with those remarks or just made a bunch of corny jokes about how “Meta Liberation Army” can be abbreviated as MLA--and I’m saving those jokes for a future review.)

“My Villain Academia,” My Hero Academia Episode 108 (Season 5, Episode 20)

An adaptation of Chapters 220, 221, 222, 223, and 224 of the manga, by Kohei Horikoshi, translated by Caleb Cook with lettering by John Hunt and available from Viz.

My Hero Academia is available to stream on Crunchyroll and Funimation.

Spoilers up to My Hero Academia Chapter 325.

When I teach literature, I refer to the plot as a problem: it is something that the protagonist is trying to solve. This problem can take various forms, but it is often as an antagonist that the protagonist confronts. When this episode has the Doctor refer to a “villain” as someone “who turns nonsense into action,” that’s kind of the point: the villain is here to get the plot rolling. Without them, you don’t have a hero, you don’t have a story.

It has been long accepted by a lot of fans and scholars that superheroes tend to uphold the status quo. I think the first time I gained awareness of this popular argument--although likely not the first time I encountered it--was Dr. Horrible’s mangled remark that “the status is not quo.” More recently, however, I have been reading academic books on superheroes, and not only does that argument persist--that superheroes represent law, order, and upholding traditional norms even in the face of new evidence or out of sheer obliviousness to the need for systemic change--but the argument has become that, if a superhero story does not have the heroes doing something to effect systemic change, then it’s not a good story. I may be misunderstanding that argument, but if I don’t, then it’s not an argument I can stand behind.

The argument is that superhero stories tend to reduce complex issues to having avatars for each side of the issue--the good guy and the bad guy--get into a fight, where we are focused on the spectacle rather than on seeing actual people engaging in the actual work needed to address problems not on the individual level--again, one good guy physically fighting one bad guy--but on a larger scope.

I am oversimplifying this argument, as even those same scholars will point out that, initially, of course there were superhero stories that had the protagonist taking the fight against the system. Superman is one of the ones named most frequently, whether in his initial comic book premiere doing what police and media would not to face down a corrupt senator (a sign of things to come in his later fights with Luthor and in Justice League Unlimited) or fighting the Klan (in the meta sense, fighting their analogue on the radio show and, more recently, literally in the comics). It kind of makes Superman look like one influence on the Peerless Thief in My Hero Academia, but we’ll get to him far later in these episodic reviews.

Even with that exception of Superman, it’s not hard for me to agree with the argument that heroes prop up the status quo. That has been the plot point for My Hero Academia and why this war against the villains has been incoming: a system that depended on just All Might, now depending on a wife-beating abusive father like Endeavor with his crimes not popularly known, has a level of corruption that cannot stand up with just one man’s shining example of honest goodness and integrity to be the Symbol of Peace. It was why I appreciated the manga eventually showing that, yes, there was an entire network of assassins within the Hero Public Safety Commission to keep All Might’s hands clean--and, in retrospect, while Lady Nagant was our first named example, given what Hawks ends up doing to Twice, deadly force may be frowned upon by law in MHA but has to have been something Hawks was told he had legal authority to do. (Also, as I will never stop pointing out, Endeavor unintentionally and unknowingly killed another Pro Hero in Vigilantes, and we’re just supposed to pretend that was fine.)

But going back to this academic argument, about how superhero stories tend to stick to one-on-one battles and don’t let the heroes effect systematic change, I’m ambivalent. There have been a range of superhero or superhero-adjacent stories that have the protagonist making on-page, on-screen, obvious work to not just get into fisticuffs with the bad guy. I already pointed out Superman’s first appearance and his fight against the Klan. I can also identify other examples, some hamfisted like Captain Planet, others more nuanced like Korra reaching out to Kuvira in The Legend of Korra. While the scholarship I read bristles at the idea of reducing these fights to just avatars for good and evil, I shrug and say that kind of comes with the territory of a superhero story. I hate justifying tropes: it’s like saying “this fanservice is acceptable because that’s part of the genre”--which leads to its own set of problems, especially when I hear fools defending sexualized fanservice that is just not needed for the story and is abusive by gender and representation. Heck, The Brave and the Bold animated series had Equinox and Batman battle as giants representing the avatars of chaos and order--which is confusing enough, with Equinox having a vaguely yin-yang motif that debunks any clean separation between chaos and order. And yet, here I am, arguing that this kind of fanservice of a hero and a villain beating each other up is to be expected: you have a debate about ideals of what a hero should do when you see Iron Man and Captain America each representing a side in a fight, whether the poorly handled comic book Civil War or the better film version, and even then, that film also lets the individual personalities get in the way of saying anything meaningful about government oversight and individual agency, ideas better handled in that other Captain America film, The Winter Soldier, and even then that film also gets stuck in just being about Steve and Bucky’s relationship.

All of this is me saying that, when you add a superhero to the fight, you’re going to feel disappointed that almost nothing systematically changes in its setting, not only because, as I’m hinting, these are stories about individuals fighting each other and not stories about the individual against society or nature, but also because a superhero can only change so much of their world for the better before that world no longer looks like our own or a new societal problem has to emerge to create the problem that is the plot itself for wherever the story goes next. Once a hero makes the setting into a utopia, either a new problem emerges to show the fiction of that story and that a dystopia is always married to a utopia, or the utopia is revealed to be hollow (Shigaraki’s word of the day) and fake. My Hero Academia already showed the utopia of a world where people get to live with their Quirks is fake, not only by (largely necessary) regulation of those Quirks but also, as we’ll see more with Spinner, Compress, Toga, Gigantomachia, and others, looking different, or being socially aware, or having disabilities, or being the “wrong” size, excluded you from that society.

What I’m trying to say is that, once you add superheroes into a story to fix the problem, you can’t show what systematic change looks like. How do you write a story where it makes sense that no hero came to save Tenko Shimura from becoming Tomura Shigaraki? What’s a story like My Hero Academia supposed to do to show the problems with a society, if you have superheroes who can fix those problems by beating up the bad guys?

Solution: You have the bad guys beat each other up.

In this corner, the League of Villains, people who were made outcasts because they did not fit in--which reveals the flaws of a society that is not accepting people who may not be able to change their past or their bodily conditions.

And in this corner, the Meta Liberation Army--which reveals how society breeds people in business, media, and politics who abuse laws and societal norms to elevate themselves and create a social Darwinist nightmare.

Granted, these are some foolish schmucks for starting up this fight in public, but I’ll address how the MLA just doesn’t work in a later episode review.

But for now, let the fight begin. No matter who wins, at least we see how society at large allowed these Villains to emerge--and we can either see All For One’s dictatorial forces get wrecked, or see Re-Destro’s fascistic oafs get wrecked.

Unfortunately, no matter who wins, the Pro Heroes are going to lose, too.

I am overly impressed with myself for realizing all of this. And I say “overly” not only because this is arrogant of me but also because I’m pretty sure just about every other person following this series already came to this conclusion: if you want to show actual systematic change, you have to show what the villains are up to, because they are the ones showing the holes in our society that need to be fixed. Either a villain exploits those holes to cause damage to people, or the villain is themselves representative of unfairness in the system and, by breaking the law to save themselves and others, are unfairly maligned as villains.

That being said, I’m not a big fan of the “[Insert villain’s name here] was right” arguments. Yes, Magneto is justified in his goals and ethics, and the debate is the means he takes to them, so his existence is to show why the X-Men are screwing up and need to be more radical. Yes, Killmonger is right that Wakanda’s isolationism is reckless and allows for travesties to persist, but his choices are largely out of individual desire for vengeance, so he’s an example that T’Challa can follow. Taken too far, though, and you get people who preach anti-establishment notions without having an alternative or are just trying to sound edgy rather than actually pointing to the actual problem: it’s someone who celebrates the Joker without recognizing that, no, you don’t want to be that asshole, or who celebrate villain-turned-hero Vegeta just because he looks cool and without appreciating what steps he took to change and what fall he experienced before he got to the point of being a villain.

In all these cases, if done poorly, you have the same tired trend of a villain existing only so long so that the hero changes for the better. It’s as tiresome as I unfortunately sometimes feel reading post after post celebrating how complex and sympathetic the League of Villains’ members can be when, still, a lot of them are just assholes using empty excuses to defend atrocious behavior (primarily, just All for One) or, for the most part, are people put into desperate situations (Shigaraki, Toga, Spinner, Dabi, Twice) who are doing the best they can (Twice, Spinner) even if their actions are not defensible (Toga) or also out of line (Shigaraki) due to their own refusal to seek the legitimate help they need to work through their issues (Dabi).

It’s hard to read posts online calling the League members sympathetic when we have not had a chance in the anime to know their full story. And as with the slow revelation that this setting is not really as welcoming of people of all shapes and sizes as initially hinted, so too do the villains’ backstories show that they were justified in some actions they took, except for those that led to deaths. Too bad none of that really pops up in a meaningful way in this episode that would rather tease out Shigaraki’s back story, keep dangling the obvious answer to who Dabi really is, and short-sells what should be a meaningful friendship between Twice and Giran but is just dropped as fast as Shigaraki takes off Twice’s mask. Jeez, Shigaraki, that is a dick move to Twice…

But I’m already on Page 4 of this rant, so let’s get to the episode already.

Pulling back the curtain yet again, these reviews tend to follow a pattern. Since I first wrote about the MHA anime, my process would be to first re-read the chapters, then watch the episode in Japanese, then watch the episode in English, so as to retrace my steps in how I first encountered most of these stories, as well as to see any patterns in the production process moving from manga to anime to localization. But with this episode, that practice was made nearly impossible given how prevalent the hostility towards this episode, this arc, and this season have been, especially when a friend shared numerous reactions from other viewers about this episode. Seriously, for all the whining I just did the previous four pages, you could read this person or this person who are much better at explaining why the introduction of Re-Destro to the anime sucks, for more than one reason.

So, I had a different approach: I already had the flaws to this episode shared with me by other viewers, then I listened to the English dub, then I re-read the chapters, then I watched the Japanese dub with English subtitles.

And, boy, am I grateful I took that approach, because this episode is a ton of talking--too much talking. For an anime adaptation that cut so much of Spinner’s Leonardo from Ninja Turtles narration, I’m shocked that they kept the boring parts of his narration and cut the only good parts, including the very opening that had a lot more action and gave us a reason to sympathize with these Villains.

I know I’m a snob regarding animation; I have expressed before how, despite my love for animated works, I tend to appreciate them more for what they do with storytelling rather than the spectacle of the visuals. I really dislike works where the value of the work is in the animation alone: I am here to see a story unfold, and if there is no narrative, no plot, no beginning-middle-and-end, then what I’m encountering is a museum piece, not a work of cinema. (Feel free to bash me for that hot take: I’m still railing against Patty Jenkins’s ridiculous argument from this week.)

And as with most forms of karmic punishment I experience, I pay the price: if I rail long enough about works that are only all about the animation and not the story, then my punishment is an episode where all we get is a lot of story and not much in the way of animation. Yet I can’t even say we got a story here, so much as back story, exposition, needless narration--it’s Blade Runner only bad. As much as I have loved how this anime’s storyboards stick so close to the manga panels, the pan over the League listening to Shigaraki’s vague back story felt like the least interesting way to handle this scene, especially when it excises so much of Spinner coming around from questioning Shigaraki to sympathizing with him. Who would have imagined cutting so much of Spinner’s initial narration and the opening from Chapter 220 would screw up how to adapt Shigaraki’s back story from Chapter 222.

The anime cuts how this arc begins in the manga: Chapter 220 starts with Spinner facing off against an extremist group that hates him for his reptilian appearance--a moment that would have garnered more sympathy from the audience for these Villains than this episode is exhorting. We needed a scene to get behind these villains and agree with them, before we are shocked to hear Shigaraki say what we have long expected, that he just wants to destroy everything and make everyone as miserable as he has felt, to wake us up that, no, you may sympathize with these outcasts (to use Twice’s one-word self-description), but you shouldn’t agree with Shigaraki’s goals. (I know Shigaraki relents somewhat when asked by Toga, but it’s hard to backtrack from “destroy it all” to “destroy it all but not the stuff my friends like.” How on Earth is Shigaraki going to destroy Izuku when Spinner somewhat admires the guy and Toga...well, yeah, best left unsaid.)

While watching this episode, I also was reviewing other topics about anime and manga I’m going to go into more detail about later this month, and one topic of discussion is the assumption that anime and manga, by their visual style and story tropes, especially shojo and shonen, tend to be about big expressions--emotional outpours in words, movements, facial expressions, and actions to more easily communicate what is happening, regardless of context.

I hate to keep repeating “ambivalent” in my reviews (another academic word I need to expunge from my lexicon for a bit), but I’m ambivalent about that argument, that anime and manga, especially shojo and shonen, are better at communicating. If your character is unreadable, that likely has an intentional reason: we don’t get much of a read on the Doctor in this episode, not helped by his mustache and glasses, but we also don’t get a read on what Shigaraki is up to.

This episode only heightens my regard, not just about anime, manga, shojo, or shonen, but in animation and comics at large, that not everything is readable in what a character is planning.

On the one hand, I do agree that visual works tend to make ideas easier to comprehend for some people who can engage with such visual works. As someone who teaches English literature and writing in a United States setting, I use comics in my teaching to cross language and cultural barriers, especially for students for whom English is not their primary language or who are the first in their family raised in the United States. And this teaching approach also helps in reverse: I include manga and anime in my teaching to show how not all details cross language and cultural barriers in a one-to-one correspondence, hence the challenges of translation and localization, and how all of us struggle to make ourselves understood within our own primary language to someone else who is fluent in that language, let alone trying to translate into another language or to present ourselves in a different set of cultural norms.

On the other hand, anime and manga are not a fixed genre. Yes, I agree that the images tend to emphasize big eyes, big expressions, and big motions--but that’s like saying all animation is Looney Tunes, or all animation is Disney, or is Dragon Ball, and so on. Likewise, as I’ve discussed elsewhere, shonen is more than just one type of storytelling, and the same goes for shojo. This arc of My Hero Academia is placing focus, after admittedly far too long, on the Villains as the protagonists--and their behavior pokes holes in the idea that things are obvious, when the Villains are themselves such liars, so crafty, have their own hidden agendas, are keeping secrets from each other. It’s as if their behavior is a commentary on this plot and how BONES is adapting it: the Villains are keeping secrets, so this plot is going to keep its secrets for just who Re-Destro and the Meta Liberation Army are, what their personalities are like, and what Shigaraki and the Doctor have in mind for getting what he wants. We’re even kept in the dark as to Shigaraki’s full back story; we’re in the same position he is, knowing just little bits and able to make assumptions from a handful of visual cues and memories, without fully knowing who the hell Tenko is. Add to that Spinner’s struggles to narrate all of this and to get into Toga’s mind and Shigaraki’s mind, as well as Dabi’s own secrets and agenda with Hawks, and we have a story that blows up the notion that anime and manga are easier for reading a character’s mindset: no, they are not always easier, not when the creators deliberately mislead the audience or keep them in the dark for a surprise.

By keeping so much of the audience in the dark, so that we become aware of how deceitful villains can be, and we are put into Shigaraki’s place of not knowing where he came from. This should be a set of brilliant choices by BONES to adapt this arc in this manner. But the problem is, no, almost none of this gets anywhere close to brilliant. It’s not brilliant--it’s frustrating, because we already know what is going to happen. You can just pull up the manga at low cost with a Viz account and read all of this in the order it was originally presented and get the answers ahead of time. And if you’ve been reading the manga all along, you already know how this arc ends, and you know stuff from the next set of arcs so that you do know already what Shigaraki’s back story is, what Dabi was really up to, who survives, who dies. You even learn more about Compress’s back story--stuff that really should have been hinted at much earlier in the manga, and could have been hinted in this adaptation but as of this episode has not.

Maybe that is why the anime removes Re-Destro murdering his assistant: it’s such an odd moment that it is challenging for me to get a read on Re-Destro, as he alternates in the manga between being very friendly and devoted to his comrades but also violent and heartless.

It may be obvious that I didn’t like much of this episode. I think when I stopped taking this episode seriously was when I heard the voices. Like I said, I tend to start with the Japanese dub first before getting to the English dub. And I have nothing at all against English dubs: I would not be listening to them as much as I have, often first before I ever hear the Japanese, and I would not be a fan of so many English-speaking actors in dubs if I had any animosity to the craft, their work, and the benefit they provide for creating a larger audience for these stories. And nothing against Larry Brantley and Sonny Strait, but some of this casting feels off. I wasn’t able to take this episode seriously as soon as I heard the voice distortion that was used for Re-Destro’s phone call: that took me out of the story. If I had the chance for localization, I would really need Twice or someone to call out how freaking ridiculous that Mickey Mouse voice sounded. You have freaking Sonny Strait here: use the Krillin voice, use the Chibi Ragnarok voice, use the Usopp voice--use something, really go bizarre here, it’s just a voice distortion device! And as I said, nothing against Strait, but when I hear Re-Destro when I read the manga, that’s not the voice I have in mind. For right now, HIroaki Hirata in the Japanese dub is closer to that smoothness I expected for this character. But I have no doubt Strait will do excellent as Re-Destro’s empowered form: think Strait’s role in The Intruder II from Toonami. It’s just that Re-Destro in the English dub is lacking that odd refinement I was expecting.

Granted, it’s the same problem for me when I hear Brantley as Spinner: I am making unfair assumptions that don’t suit the goals of the creators when it comes to this character. It is sadly not as obvious in this episode as it is in the manga: this arc in the manga starts with Horikoshi invoking Laird and Eastman’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles by having Spinner, who is already a sword-wielding reptilian martial artist, narrating just like how Leonardo narrating at the beginning of the very first issue of TMNT. I wanted a voice for the English dub that is like Leonardo’s, a little higher pitch and more youthful, like what Brian Tochi brought in the live-action Turtles film or what Cam Clarke and Michael Sinterniklaas bring in the animated versions. I think, for the Japanese dub, Ryo Iwasaki’s performance as Spinner is very close to what I expected. But that also may seem too obvious: Spinner may be young, but giving him an older-sounding voice can belie his inexperience, youthfulness, and naivete, similar to how people make assumptions about him by his reptilian appearance. The anime is putting me into my place--I think of Spinner one way other than who he really is, so I’m no better than the people around him who have discriminated against him for his physical appearance.

Just as I have a set of assumptions that unfairly influence how I would cast Spinner, I also think Re-Destro should have sounded more refined and less graveley in the English dub. But my expectations belie that, just the Joker whom he resembles, Re-Destro puts on this cultured facade to hide that he is just another violent gangster thug, someone who would kill his own assistant. I know I cited examples above about how complex Re-Destro is, but it’s hard for me to see him as sympathetic just because he’s crying over something he did out of his own volition: he coldly killed his office assistant Miyashita, his tears and kind words don’t suddenly make this a warm and cuddly death, we don’t get to think of him as our woobie. It only makes it more irritating that BONES so far has cut not only that scene of Re-Destro killing Miyashita but also Re-Destro’s TV commercial: it would clue us in that the reason he has that gravelly voice is because, no matter how much he tries to present himself on TV, he is not that kind of a man.

But since I invoked the Joker comparison to Re-Destro, yeah, I’m disappointed we didn’t get Troy Baker as Re-Destro, as unlikely as I imagine that would be to happen, regardless of Baker’s previous work with Funimation. It does lend a bit more to conspiracy theories on my part, though, given casting director Colleen Clinkenbeard telling Twitter followers to stop expecting Mark Hamill in MHA, it’s never happening--we can’t even get Troy Baker doing his Mark Hamill Joker.

(I’m not being fair to Baker: I’m not saying his Joker is at all bad--it is not, he has been excellent as Joker, especially playing him and Batman in the Ninja Turtles crossover film, but it is obvious Baker is performing the kind of Joker that came out of Hamill, so I’m trying to say he’s doing the “Hamill Joker,” rather than the “Nicholson Joker,” the “Ledger Joker,” or the “Caesar Romero Joker”).

It’s also a challenge to sympathize with these characters when we aren’t getting what this arc should give them: a re-introduction. I hate approaching this episode in a post-James Gunn The Suicide Squad world, but seeing how much MHA owes to not The Suicide Squad of the comics but that motif in so many superhero comics, there is that missed opportunity to reacquaint the audience with who are the members of the League of Villains. So, where the hell is my freeze-frame re-introduction to each League member? There was that fan theory a long time ago that Giran was really Present Mic in disguise: imagine doing Present Mic’s introduction of characters by name, Quirk, and pithy comment, only it’s Giran in the announcer seat this time.

(Don’t even get me started on how annoying it is to have Izuku handling the post-credit preview: give that to Spinner.)

Again, maybe it is brilliant for BONES not to include some re-introduction scenes, whether narrated by Giran or happening naturally in conversation between these characters. These Villains barely know each other’s back story, so there’s no artifice where they would believably share their back stories to each other in conversation in this context. And as I said, Shigaraki does not know enough about his own past, and Dabi is hiding his real identity. But when we’re stuck with Spinner as our half-hearted narrator, who seems not to know why he and Toga are still here with Stain being gone, and when Toga is this dull in her answer about what keeps her going after Stain’s arrest, and when Spinner himself seems not to know what he’s still doing here, all of that does not communicate a reason for us to keep going with this story.

I know this arc is going to get better, storywise at least, just based on how it went in the manga. I can only hope that the animation can capture the chaos that the original manga illustrations showed. But I am trying to think what a new viewer is going to do if this is their introduction to this series. I’m not invoking the Episode 7 Rule, I’m not doing a hypothetical experiment to gauge which episodes are the best to bring a newbie into this series--I am asking, honestly, if a fan was already into this series, and was watching it one Saturday morning, and a friend or roommate or relative saw them watching, they would be utterly lost about why they should care about this. Even the explanation for why Twice is indebted to Giran is presented as such an afterthought that does disservice to a potentially emotional moment, to what is supposed to be a pretty deep friendship, as deep as it can be for a weapons trader like Giran and an outcast-turned-criminal like Twice, so that, when Twice helps rescue Giran, we feel that emotional payoff.

It is honestly shocking that, for all the throwbacks, recaps, and flashbacks we get, including how Giran’s fingers match up to previous places where the League fought, that this still leaves a new viewer in the dark. And the problem lies at the feet of MHA arriving at a fifth-season slump: the series has gone on so long that things feel lazy and making far too many assumptions on what knowledge the audience is bringing. You’re not getting a bigger audience if you keep appealing to the diehard fans and the people reading the manga. After all, why would you keep doing ridiculous recaps and flashbacks if the fans already know what happened?

But speaking of the recaps and flashbacks, that should have been how this episode redeemed itself. As I said last time, if you re-worked the order of episodes to start with the Oboro Shirakumo story, that would be more shocking. But what if this episode could have been the very first episode of the season, and following the trend of previous seasons, make it a recap episode? We already had Izuku narrating a clip show, Class 1A at the pool, a photojournalist visiting the UA Dorms--it would be so much more interesting seeing “League of Villains camping in the woods while in the background Shigaraki gets squished by a giant.” Have the Villains tell campfire stories about how they got here: it would be a great excuse to re-use the animation and save on the budget. You could fit in a few gags, as Toga starts telling a really gruesome story but gets distracted by all the blood in it, while Twice’s story bounces between sugar-sweet happy and grim-and-dark chaos, while Compress and Spinner are stuck trying to keep them focused. It’d be a hell of a lot more interesting than how BONES somehow screwed up a potentially emotional volatile moment between Izuku and Amajiki that would put into question whether Izuku is going to have to kill a Villain and just how devastated Amajiki feels after Mirio lost his Quirk.

And speaking of whether Izuku is going to have to kill a Villain: obviously, this arc is setting up how much more dangerous Shigaraki is than UA gave him credit. Back in Season 2, I hated how Nezu and UA staff referred to him as a “man-child,” given the connotations that have surrounded masculinity and being a man. I wrote that before 2016; in this post-2016 atmosphere, and the increased prevalence of toxic masculinity, I am, once again, that annoying word ambivalent. I am likewise ambivalent how well this series has shown Shigaraki to be able to form the plan he does by episode’s end. We’re only told by Spinner how much faster Shigaraki is getting and how much slower Gigantomachia has become--but the animation doesn’t show that. And we’re being told how great Shigaraki’s plan is--when it sounds ridiculous.

By cutting so much of Spinner’s narration from the manga, we also don’t get a scene where Spinner confronts Shigaraki to ask him what is his plan. Up to that point, Shigaraki has said that, with Kurogiri gone over the last month and the computers at the old League hideout destroyed, they can’t reach the Doctor. Spinner is insistent: what is the plan? Shigaraki responds that he just told them--as Gigantomachia crashes through their hideout. The other characters explain for readers like me who aren’t following: Shigaraki just said Kurogiri was gone; to contact the Doctor, Kurogiri sought Gigantomachia; Gigantomachia would sniff out where Shigaraki is and bring him to the Doctor. Brilliant--that shows more attention to Shigaraki’s planning and scheming, and now, it’s not even here in the episode to make me think this guy is that smart. (This episode also had Shigaraki reveal his plan to have Gigantomachia attack the MLA, whereas it was Spinner who predicted that was going to be Shigaraki’s plan--so, again, we’re not letting Spinner stand out as smarter than we expected, either.)

I know Shigaraki is supposed to be our chessmaster, given his association with gaming, especially when he was faking his ignorance about shogi to lower Overhaul’s guard before defeating him and stealing his Quirk-cancelling bullets. But I’m having the same problem I had when following All For One throughout this anime: it just feels like these two antagonists are getting ahead out of sheer luck and because everyone else is a fool, not because either of them are that great as villains. Give me a Xanatos, give me a Luthor, give me a Norman Osborne (not Clone Saga Osborne, a different one). Show me Shigaraki is more than a pawn for All For One and the Doctor, because I don’t feel anything here, not even when we’re supposed to feel that Shigaraki has some legitimate concern for All For One that just isn’t getting communicated to me, whether by my stubbornness or because the content is not giving the animators and actors what they deserve. Eric Vale can sell the hell out of a scene, but Shigaraki’s talk about All For One is not giving that opportunity to the actor.

My remarks this time are a lot more disorganized and doesn’t really arrive at any conclusion. I have more to say about how this arc works and doesn’t work, especially when it comes to how ridiculous the MLA comes across in underestimating the League, but we’ll get to that next time.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: What's the difference between an INTJ with underdeveloped Te and an INFJ in a Ni-Ti loop? Both seem to overuse Ni. I have a mate that's a classic Ni dom but he's so unhealthy (he's only 26 and loads of traumas though) I can't be sure of the functions he uses...

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I can see that you've put a lot of thought into this type analysis and you've tried your best to evaluate the two possible types objectively. Your knowledge of function theory seems decent, so that's not the main problem. While it's quite helpful that you're able to describe his negative behavioral patterns in great detail, you haven't yet grasped exactly WHY he manifests them. Without knowing more about the underlying motivations, it's difficult to identify the exact functions.

1) A lot of people rely on stereotypes to identify the functions and I'm sure you know that stereotypes are too simplistic. To be fair, it is very difficult to avoid stereotyping, especially when you're talking about functions that you yourself don't use and aren't familiar with, so you only really see the surface aspects of it. I think there is a bit of stereotyping when you talk about Fe and even Te.

Example: One common stereotype of Fe is that FJs don't have their own desires, beliefs, and values and they only follow the values of society, so they are only ever motivated by external factors.

First of all, it is a gross insult to essentially claim that a human being doesn't have their own mind. Every person has their own mind and therefore self-references.

Second, this makes it sound like FJs only have Fe and no other functions. Fe expression can be significantly modified by the other functions in the stack.

Third, this doesn't account for the stack position of Fe. The auxiliary function doesn't call the shots. IxFJs aren't Fe dominant, so their attention is, first and foremost, directed inward to themselves and their own experience simply by virtue of being an introvert.

Fourth, just because someone appears to "not care" about social things or appears to be "indifferent" to social pressure, it doesn't mean that they haven't fully internalized social values without realizing it. A lot of very obnoxious outspoken people out there believe that they and their opinions are oh so special and original when, in fact, they're just repeating the things they heard from someone else or learned as a child.

2) You claim that he is an unhealthy example of his type. If that's the case, there should be lots of evidence of dominant extremes + auxiliary underdevelopment + tertiary loop + inferior grip. You've provided ample evidence of Ni extremes and Se grip problems, so I'm convinced in that regard. Unfortunately, you haven't said much about the middle functions, so there isn't enough for me to draw a confident conclusion about them. However, I can say that almost all the cases I've seen of INTJ vs INFJ eventually resolve as INFJ.

"Driven" or "ambitious" INFJs often mistype themselves or get mistyped as INTJ or ENTJ. INFJs are notoriously difficult to spot in the wild because they have an uncanny ability to shift their behavior as circumstances require, able to look like whatever type they believe will be more likely to achieve the goals they're after. The average INFJ is either unaware of doing it or unaware of how much they do it. They can't help but intuit your expectations of them and subtly behave in the way that you expect them to or in the way that they believe will keep life running smoothly by all appearances.

You aren't likely to see the full extent of what they're really like on the inside for several reasons: 1) there's way too much happening in there to know how to begin expressing it out loud, 2) they don't yet trust you 100%, and/or 3) Fe aux hasn't yet built up a strong enough desire to reveal something to the world. You seem to be very, very close with your friend, yet there's still so much you don't know about him. That alone would make me suspect INFJ.

Generally speaking, INFJs are far more emotionally complex than INTJs and they grapple with a far greater number of emotional contradictions than INTJs. Being NF, INFJs are largely motivated by their feelings and their moral concerns. Ni+Fe means that they are preoccupied with their own moral character and living up to their own moral idealizations.

However, since F is auxiliary, they often suffer from confused feelings and moral conflictedness. The more immature their Fe is, the more easily weighed down they are by inner conflicts, and the more they feel compelled to defend against them (Ti loop) and/or escape from them (Se grip). If you believe that the root of all your friend's problems can be traced back to poor emotional intelligence (i.e. they have lots of inner conflict to suppress and they too often feel irrationally guilty about not living up to their self-imposed moral idealizations), then Fe is the more likely culprit. Also, keep in mind that men are socialized to avoid their feminine side, which often leaves them with a stunted emotional life that might mask their true F tendencies.

Comparatively, INTJs are not as emotionally deep or complicated, but they are intellectually complex. They have lots of interesting ideas through Ni and it can sometimes be difficult to find the best direction to express them. When INTJs find something to devote themselves to, they are determined to follow through with it until its natural end. Their problem isn't procrastination but being single-minded to a fault, to extremes. They're usually too aggressive rather than too passive, which means that they won't want to lend energy to social matters, let alone be patiently understanding of people's emotional issues. In terms of Fi loop, they could easily stop going down the wrong track if they wanted to, but they simply don't want to. Being Fi dom, you know that wanting to do something for no other "reason" than wanting to is not a mindset that you can easily argue someone out of. Fi is its own justification, no "reasoning" required.

Unhealthy INFJs procrastinate because of the suppressed emotional problems draining their motivation. They constantly have to work up the motivation to rise above their inner mess. As a result, they're far more likely to suffer burn out than INTJs. INTJs don't waste all that energy because they have no problem doing whatever it is they want to do. The only way INFJs can be aggressively single-minded is to keep rationalizing, lying to themselves over and over that they're doing what they have to do for what they imagine is a greater good/purpose, until they eventually live in delusion. Poorly developed Ti means they fully believe they're being quite reasonable. They don't realize until afterwards, once all the chips have fallen, that they've been quite the fool. Until they confront the true extent of their foolishness or hit a rock bottom where they can't deny reality anymore, they'll continue repeating their unhealthy behaviors and have no idea why they do it.

[aurorawest]

can you also do a director's commentary on "Fool for You"? 🐠 this is one of my favs 🥰

Yeah! Thank you for asking about this one! Since it’s over 6k words I’ll just grab the interesting parts, I hope that’s okay! Link on AO3.

First of all, I will just say, I was shocked by the response to this fic. I wrote it for Froststrange Week earlier this year, and it was by far the fluffiest fic I wrote for that event. It’s one of the fluffiest things I’ve written ever. I was actually nervous to post it...and I’ve written some very dark stuff that didn’t even give me pause before hitting the post button on AO3, haha. But this one? I distinctly remember my palms getting sweaty (gross) and having to walk away from my computer after I posted it, because I was so freaked out. But people liked it! It was probably my most popular Froststrange Week fic.

Onto the fic...

Loki craned his head, staring upwards as the massive shark moved smoothly and silently through the water overhead. He’d never seen anything like it, despite his one thousand and sixty years in the universe. It moved off, disappearing over rocks dappled with slow, turquoise sunlight.

“It’s a whale shark,” Stephen informed him, staring down at an informational plaque posted along the walkway. Loki had read all of them so far, but he’d stopped dead in his tracks in the glass tunnel when he’d seen the shark, too awed by it to move. Ahead of them and behind them, the screams and excited voices of school groups echoed, but the two of them were in a lull between throngs.

The prompts for the day that I used were ‘firsts’ and ‘aquarium date.’ The aquarium part was a no brainer for me, because I head canon that Loki is a big nature lover, and that he particularly loves the ocean.

Rays sailed through the water alongside the shark. Those, Loki was more familiar with. They’d had them on Asgard. Extinct now, of course. All of Asgard’s species, all its plants, animals, insects, all of it, were extinct. It was a depressing thought.

Okay, well, this is a fluffy fic, but obviously I’m incapable of writing pure fluff. It’s Loki, so there has to be some angst.

Always prone to depressing thoughts, Loki was. He looked at the whale shark again, then at Stephen, leaning over the plaque and reading it—mostly for Loki’s benefit, so the two of them could talk about it. That made Loki’s heart swell. His sadness would always be with him, but his happiness sat next to it, bright and blinding. Stephen Strange, Sorcerer Supreme, Guardian of the New York Sanctum, human sorcerer and ridiculously, heart-poundingly beautiful man, was responsible for much of it.

Loki is really, really in love. And he can finally be free about admitting it.

Turning around, Stephen met Loki’s eyes and said, “So, the Georgia Aquarium was a good choice?”

In preparation to write this fic, I googled what the world’s best aquariums were. I knew the Georgia Aquarium was a big deal (both from living in north Florida for a time and just...being a person who likes zoos and aquariums), but I wanted to see if there were others. Obviously, Stephen can go anywhere, so for their first date, he would take Loki to the best of the best. The Georgia Aquarium does consistently appear at the very top of aquarium lists (others were Monterey Bay and one in...Dubai, I think?).

I spent a lot of time on the Georgia Aquarium’s website. It’s a huge place and has lots of different aquariums, so I had to choose the one they would spend most of their time at. The website has webcams on a lot of the aquariums, so I actually watched them while I was writing.

[...] This place made one want to learn about Earth’s oceans, which might make them less prone to destroying them. Since he’d taken up permanent residence on Earth, Loki had learned to love it—and he’d grown increasingly aware that humanity was rather short-sighted about the planet they lived on.

Loki the environmentalist.

Then again, somehow he doubted that if Hela had been better educated about Asgard’s mollusk population, she would have decided not to take over and kill everyone.

This line always makes me laugh.

[...] “Good,” Stephen said. “I figured you’d like it. But, you know. First date and everything. I wanted to get it right.”

The squirming in Loki’s stomach turned to a full explosion of butterflies. First date. Could two people have a first date when they’d already exchanged avowals of love? Hadn’t that been the first date? Or perhaps their first date had been years ago, without either of them quite knowing it?

It’s always a balance for me to write these fics that take place in the ‘future,’ as compared to where I am in the chronological writing of this verse. I just finished fic #6 in my series, which takes place in 2027. This fic takes place in 2030. The avowals of love Loki refers to hear is from the end of the last fic in the series, ‘The General Mess and Imprecision of Feeling,’ and is when the two of the officially get together. They unknowingly going on their first date years ago is a reference to the fact that the two of them have been doing date-like activities with each other for years, just with neither of them admitting it. One of my other fics for Froststrange Week is actually one of these instances (‘far away from here and closer to somewhere else,’ where they run into each other in Hong Kong and get drunk together). In fic #8 (which I’m working on now), they end up spending the day together in London. In fic #9, they spend a lot of Thor and Jane’s wedding together.

He craned his head up to stare at the top of the glass tunnel, 

They’re in the Ocean Voyager aquarium.

suddenly not knowing what to say, feeling as though he might make a fool of himself. A sea turtle swam by slowly, the underside of its shell gleaming like the moon. The truth was that he’d probably made a fool of himself in front of Stephen so many times that it no longer even registered to him.

Or maybe… Loki looked over at him. Stephen was watching him, a look in his eyes that made warmth spread through Loki. Maybe Stephen didn’t actually find Loki foolish. Maybe he never had.

The idea of Loki being a sentimental fool is something that pops up pretty constantly in my fics. Here, Loki is thinking of times he’s actually looked stupid in front of Stephen, real and imagined. He has the wherewithal to recognize that maybe a lot of them are imagined, and that even the real humiliations don’t make Stephen view Loki as a fool.

“How did you know I would like this?” Loki asked.

[...] “Remember the time we went to the Museum of Natural History?”

“Yes.” Loki raised an eyebrow at him. “You really played tour guide quite often, didn’t you?”

Giving Loki an amused look, Stephen said, “It seemed like the decent thing to do. I had royalty living at my house.”

[...] “Silly me,” Loki said. “I thought it might be because you had a bit of a thing for me back then.” Stephen shot him a crooked smile. It wasn’t agreement. But it certainly wasn’t denial, either.

Stephen definitely did have a thing for Loki back then. Loki had a thing for him, too. By the time Loki leaves the Sanctum, they’re in love with each other, though neither of them has quite realized it yet. Stephen realizes much sooner then Loki (surprise).

[...] If Loki was being honest, he’d been mildly terrified that he would arrive at the Sanctum and Stephen would do something—look at him in some way, speak to him in a way that was just a bit false—that Loki would know that Stephen had thought about it and decided that they’d made a terrible mistake and he was looking for a way to extricate himself from their new…relationship. Romance. Whatever it was.

This is Loki’s constant fear. It takes him a long, long time to stop worrying about it. It’s his fear with everyone, though. Boil Loki down to his bare essentials, and you get a giant heart and massive abandonment issues.

Loki snorted with laughter and then grinned at Stephen. “Your expression, honestly, Strange. I’ve seen you face far greater foes with much less fear.”

[...] Shrugging, Stephen said, “Kids. Not really my thing.”

“It’s not as though you need to bring them home.”

[...] “I enjoy the chaos that children cause.”

“You might be the only person here who’s enjoying the decibel level of that pack of kids,” Stephen said.

Loki actually really likes kids! And Stephen doesn’t at all.

Loki flashed a grin at him, thought about making a joke about having children, and then dismissed it. It would be a joke, because the last thing Loki wanted right now, possibly ever, was a child that he could pass all his hang-ups to. His own upbringing had been…a challenge. He doubted his ability to overcome it.

My main interest in the two of them ever having a child lies in exploring Loki’s issues with his own father.

[Stephen reveals his big surprise...is that he booked an aquarium sleepover] It was more than Loki didn’t know what to think. What was an aquarium sleepover? Sleeping here? They allowed people to do that? Had this cost extra money? Stephen didn’t have any money, so why would he spend extra on something like this?

You really can do aquarium sleepovers at the Georgia Aquarium! It’s actually not that expensive, but Loki knows that Stephen’s only income is a stipend from Kamar-Taj. Stephen has nothing at all left over from his pre-wizard days and he depends entirely on that stipend.

[...] The two of them continued through the aquarium, visiting each gallery in turn. Even though Loki was quite sure Stephen’s interest in all of this was limited, he never gave any indication that he was bored. He seemed, actually, entirely taken by Loki’s enthusiasm, and that was a feeling that Loki had certainly never experienced. 

I really tapped into that brand-new relationship feeling for this fic, haha.

The number of healthy romantic relationships that Loki had experienced was…pretty close to zero, so there had never been someone who had been interested both in sleeping with him and in seeing him enjoying his interests.

It actually is zero. Loki has never had a healthy romantic relationship. He’s hedging here because the romantic encounters he’s had that approach healthy count to him as relationships.

They ate dinner at the aquarium café, which was serviceable but nothing special. At least, the food was nothing special. It was the first time Loki and Stephen had eaten dinner together as a couple. Gods. Loki felt like an adolescent. He was eating a veggie burger and Stephen was eating chicken tenders, with drinks they’d filled themselves out of a fountain machine, and somehow it was the most romantic dinner he’d ever had. Stephen’s knee pressed against Loki’s under the table and he leaned forward like he couldn’t stand that the table top had put a couple feet of space between them.

In other words, Loki could have been eating just the ketchup packets that had been provided to him on his tray, and he would have been happier than he’d ever been in his life.

This is one of my favorite parts of the whole fic. Anyone who’s ever been crazy about a new romantic partner has had this experience, I think.

[Stephen conjures butterflies for the kids they encountered earlier] Suddenly, thousands of blue butterflies burst from within the half-spheres, swirling in a bright blue stream across the ceiling and amongst the children, whose delighted shrieks made their teachers wilt. The butterflies flitted, azure and lapis, iridescent, bobbing on air currents, until they turned to wisps of light and disappeared.

I rarely make use of the whole butterfly thing with Stephen, primarily because I tend to associate it with another Stephen ship (which is one of my NOTPs), but...it’s nice, right? I wanted to use it. A butterfly also appears in Doctor Strange, so it’s imagery that seems to be sort of associated with him.

[left alone in the gallery for their sleepover...] Loki looked around. “Shouldn’t there be other people here?” he asked.

Stephen looked immensely satisfied with himself. “Nope. We get the whole gallery to ourselves.”

Furrowing his brow, Loki asked, “How? Did you buy all the tickets?” This seemed as though it would have been exorbitantly expensive.

Still looking enormously pleased, Stephen said, “I might have played the Sorcerer Supreme card.”

“No one knows what the Sorcerer Supreme does.”

“Okay, fine. I said I was an Avenger.”

My head canon is that Stephen is pretty disdainful of the Avengers. He definitely doesn’t want to be part of the ‘team.’ He’s a loner by nature. Definitely the guy who hated group projects, because he was the one that got stuck doing all the work. This loner quality is something that Loki and Stephen have in common.

[...] Loki buried his nose in Stephen’s hair and breathed in his scent, his shampoo that smelled like sandalwood, the cologne he had definitely put on today, cedar and faintly citrusy. Norns, he smelled good.

Loki first associates the smell of sandalwood with Stephen in Sleight of Hand (it’s right at the end of chapter 12). His cologne makes an appearance in my fic ‘Afterimage,’ which is the fifth fic in my series.

[...] Loki took the sleeping bags from Stephen and undid the ties on them, which were knotted far too tightly for Stephen to loosen.

Stephen actually being affected by his disability is always important for me to include.

[...] Loki laughed. Maybe none of the other Masters thought Stephen was funny, but Loki had always found his sense of humor addictive, sly and surprising, and perfectly suited to Loki’s own.

This is a callback to Stephen’s and Wong’s exchange in Doctor Strange:

“People used to think I was funny.” “Did they work for you?”

[...] There were other things in the bag—a change of clothes for tomorrow, toothbrushes, toothpaste, some over-the-counter medications. When Stephen went to the bathroom to change, Loki snooped more thoroughly. Razor blade, shaving cream, nail clippers, a little bottle of mouthwash, a bottle of cologne. Loki decided to pop the cap open and smell that, then tried to tell himself that the feeling that washed over him could be described in some other way than ‘a swoon.’ There was nothing in the bag that implied Stephen thought they’d be doing anything tonight but sleeping.

I really love this because it’s really not particularly above board for Loki to snoop through Stephen’s bag...but it is a very Loki thing to do. And pretty human. Especially because he’s looking for condoms and lube. Of course he is! They’re spending the night together...are they Spending The Night Together?

[...] Stephen looked at the foot of empty space separating the two sleeping bags, then glanced up at Loki. “Are you comfortable with…” he began, then trailed off, before trying again, “I mean, do you want to be…further away…?”

“Do you?” Loki asked. When Stephen hesitated, Loki took a guess about what the honest answer was, then reached out and tugged Stephen’s sleeping bag until it was right next to his.

Stephen is big on enthusiastic consent. Loki is far more willing to take his chances and guess based on body language.

Eventually, they drew apart, and Loki couldn’t help suspecting it had something to do with the way Stephen seemed to be keeping his hips pulled back just a little. Temptation. If Loki reached down…

But no. Instead, he very deliberately folded an arm under his head, resting his head on his bicep. Stephen did something that looked like it was probably a clothing or anatomy adjustment to accommodate a situation, but Loki didn’t comment. Quite honesty, he had his own situation down there, and it just felt like good manners not to say anything.

I honestly have no idea what guys would do in this situation. Just guessing based on both of their personalities. Is a first date too soon to admit, ‘Hey, you just gave me a boner?’ It feels like it is?

Neither of them spoke for a minute or two. They simply stared at each other. Then, Stephen said gently, “I know you’re worried.”

“Worried?” Loki raised an eyebrow. “What do you think I’m worried about?”

Stephen’s gaze didn’t waver. “This.” When Loki pressed his lips together, Stephen added, “You think I’m going to change my mind. Right?”

No one has ever gotten Loki the way Stephen gets him. And Stephen is very patient, very gentle, and very like...you know when you pspspspsps and hold your hand out to a cat? That’s Stephen with Loki, haha.

[...] “The reasons are myriad, of course [for Loki’s insecurity]. I’ve made poor choices. But yes. In part, it’s because I’m…challenging. And people change their minds.”

Oh hey look, it’s the author projecting.

[...] But Loki was greedy. He didn’t want to say in a few months, or a few years, This was great while it lasted. 

There’s something kind of sad to me about the idea that Loki can’t even view his love for Stephen as an entirely good thing. He’s a sentimental fool, he’s overly romantic, he’s greedy. And if I wanted to go this route, I could easily make Loki very co-dependent in this relationship; it would be easy to turn it really unhealthy. But I don’t want to, haha. It makes sense that Loki would feel like he has to gorge himself on Stephen’s adoration of him, because he’s never really had this before, not from someone he wants to be with (other people have loved him, but he hasn’t loved them back).

He would already have to give it up too soon, because he would outlive Stephen by such a long time. And he already knew there would never be anyone else.

There isn’t. Stephen will die, and Loki won’t ever be with anyone else. Luckily for him, he gets Stephen back eventually.

Stephen leaned forward and kissed Loki softly; the most tender, most heartfelt kiss Loki had ever experienced. “Don’t worry,” he murmured, his lips warm against Loki’s.

It was difficult not to deepen the kiss, difficult not to kiss Stephen harder. He’d never needed anything to be true as much as he needed this to be true, or at least it felt like it. Don’t worry. But Loki always worried. All the good things in his life still felt so fragile, as though they could implode at any moment.

Though—he supposed he was getting better at not actively sabotaging them himself.

This is part of Loki’s arc in my fic. Stephen and he aren’t together until Loki heals in a lot of other ways. One of them is not trying to blow things up so he can control their destruction.

Thank you so much for asking!! Sorry for the delay in responding.

Fanfic Writers: Director’s Cut

[geethedentist]

The Sassenach Warrior

Catch up with Chapter 10 here! Read this chapter on Ao3!

Chapter 11: My Own Protector

A weight had been lifted, and I felt wonderful. I practically danced back through the doorway of the tavern, but the sight of Jamie stopped me dead in my tracks. I saw Dougal follow his line of sight directly to the gash on my head. Jamie’s nostrils flared ever so briefly.

“The … the horse kicked me.” I shrugged and looked at the ceiling.

“Aye, ye ken how that filly can be sometimes.” Dougal then made a horrible attempt at a casual throat clearing noise and swiftly made for the stairs.

“I thought ye kent not to stand directly behind her.” Jamie mumbled as he rose and headed for the stables. He did not meet my eyes.

It was getting increasingly difficult to lie. The fact that Dougal now knew about it did not make lying to Jamie any better. It actually made it worse since Dougal had aided me in said lie.

In any case, I would only have to do it for one more night and make it out with no obvious lacerations or contusions. Tonight was the last fight, and this time I was not plagued by my former ulterior motive. Perhaps someone in possession of more common sense than I had might have decided not to go.

What was the point? Dougal trusted me now. Gavin would close the ring for a while after tonight, so a huge portion of the town was likely to be there. The point was I wanted them to watch me prove I could win.

The sight of Jamie’s face drawn with desperation as he begged me not to do anything foolish swam around the back of my mind all day. I finally forced it out as I wrapped myself in my cloak, preparing to leave. I bypassed Angus’s and Dougal’s rooms; they knew tonight was the last one.

Rupert and Murtagh were now the only way in which my secret could get back to Jamie. I stopped outside Rupert’s door, from which issued loud, hog-like snoring. Next was Murtagh’s door, from which came more snoring, but less hog-like. Jamie’s door had no candlelight underneath. After straining my ear against it until I was satisfied that I had heard no noise from within, I painstakingly tip toed down the stairs.

The taproom was empty, except for a figure in the armchair by the fire. I couldn’t see their face, for their back was turned and they too wore a dark traveling cloak. The stranger absentmindedly prodded the dying embers with the poker; sparks flew out of the dull-glowing log as it broke in two. If they knew I was there, they didn’t turn around. They still didn’t turn as I walked out the door, closing it very slowly behind me.

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Jamie had dared not breathe until he was positive that Claire was gone. He’d made a frantic grab for the poker and tried to appear to be nonchalantly moving the ashes around. He wished he’d had the sense to pour himself a cup of ale, maybe that would have made it more believable. But no, Claire had left as quickly as she could.

He knew she wasn’t very likely to try and talk to him. She had wanted to make as little noise as possible, although her attempt to descend the stairs sounded quite like a tip-toeing elephant. He waited a minute or two to give her a head start, and then rose to follow. If nobody was going to tell him the truth, then he would find out for himself.

Claire was a terrible liar; she looked at anything and everything except the person she was lying to, and she repeatedly scratched her nose. Dougal was a seasoned liar, but Jamie knew his game. He’d give an indifferent shrug to belittle one’s perfectly valid suspicions.

Stepping into the chilly night, he drew up the hood of his cloak and watched Claire’s back reach the end of the street and turn left. His stomach gave a lurch.

He knew beyond doubt where she was going, but he had hoped to God that he was wrong. He was even nursing some half baked wish that she really was an English spy. But no, that wasn’t true. As tough a demeanor as she liked to build for herself, Jamie witnessed its foundations crumble more than once. In the forest with the two soldiers on the day they met, and on the day she glimpsed the English marching toward Nairn.

She always fought to keep her hands steady, and Jamie knew her well enough by now to know this came with great effort. What really gave her away was how all of the color drained from her already pale face, leaving a strange tinge of gray. How the muscles of her cheeks and neck popped out from clenching her teeth together as hard as she possibly could. It was the same way she had appeared when the stables had caught fire. But that time he liked to think that they had been alone and therefore she let her fear show plainly, tired of the effort it normally took to conceal it. Her own countrymen terrified her.

He felt like a fool because she had been able to lie to him so easily, inept at it as she was. He should have known sooner. He should have known long before she’d slashed her head open. Christ, she had even asked him to help her improve her fighting skills, and he’d happily obliged just grateful to spend time with her.

She’d been withdrawn from him ever since the soldiers had occupied the tavern. They hadn’t spoken much; she had taken to sleeping for a large portion of the day. She was always covering up strange and unexplained bruises. As much as it pained him to see her willingly hurt herself, there was another deeper fear lurking in the back of his mind that he hadn’t yet been able to identify.

Claire suddenly whipped around in the middle of the darkened street, the moon outlined her in silver and the frayed ends of her scarf swayed gently in the breeze. She didn’t have her sword or bow on her, but he saw her hand dart to her belt where he knew there was a dagger. She always kept the scarf and dagger close; they had both come from Jamie. A bit of cloth ripped off the end of his tartan offered to her as a makeshift scarf a few days after the rent party set out. She had been shivering.

Jamie pressed himself against the nearest building until she decided that the coast was clear. His lips pressed into a thin line as he noticed a slight limp. He peered around the next corner as she had just finished having a laugh with the man at the front door and disappeared down the stairs. Two minutes later, he descended as well, and his eyes widened in surprise when he reached the bottom. There was more than twice the number of people here since they had first come. There was already a fight underway, but Claire was nowhere to be seen.

“Do ye reckon that lass is going win tonight?” A conversation at the table to his left had Jamie inching over to listen.

The other man grunted. “Weel she’d better win, or else I’ll kill Dougie for tellin’ me to put my money on her!”

“Excuse me,” Jamie addressed them. “Are ye talking about the Sassenach? D’ye ken where I can find her? I’m a … big fan.” He added hastily when he saw their matching suggestive grins.

“Oh aye?” The first man laughed. “What makes ye think she’ll fancy you? One look from her and ye feel as if she’s already kicked ye in the balls!”

Jamie knew the look well; she gave it to Dougal quite a lot. The other man elbowed his companion. “Ach we canna blame the lad. After all, ye’ve said yerself that ye’ve never seen a pair of breeks look that good!”

Jamie felt his face begin to heat with anger, and he wanted nothing more than to drag their drunk arses into the ring right now and beat them both. He grabbed the shirt of the man nearest to him. “Either tell me where she is, or else I will kick ye in the balls for her.” He snarled.

The man ducked and pointed to a door in the corner. “She’s probably in the back with Gavin!” Jamie threw him back in the chair and headed for the door. He imagined bursting in on her and declaring that he had known what she was up to the whole time. But that thought was followed almost immediately by a sour taste in his mouth. It didn’t seem like the right way for her to find out. He didn’t want to embarrass her; he didn’t want her to feel ashamed.

It was then that he decided that he would not let her see him, and that he had only come to watch over her, to make sure she didn’t get hurt. He would watch the fight and go right back to the tavern.

Inside the door, there was a hallway with multiple smaller rooms on either side. It smelled like sweat and the floor had blood stains of varying shades of red brown splattered across it.

“So, the soldiers will be here again by the end of the month?”

“Yes, that’s what they told the barman. Are you still going to close the ring?”

Jamie’s head snapped up at the sound of Claire’s voice, coming from a room at the end of the hall.

“Aye, for a couple weeks I think.” Gavin answered. “Do ye really have to go though? I’ll give ye a room in the inn to stay while the ring is closed. ”

“I can’t stay here forever just to fill your pockets. Besides, I have things to do.”

“Have I no’ been filling your pockets as well?”

“Well, I’ve been filling Dougal Mackenzie’s. For the Jacobites.”

Just then a very large bald man with a close cropped black beard exited the room on the opposite side. He had more hair on his chest than Claire had on her head, and thick veins lined his forearms.

“Oh Tom! In here if you please.” Jamie saw Gavin’s shadow beckon him  over. “Claire, I thought I’d have ye fight Tom here to make yer last fight one we’ll never forget aye?”

Claire snorted.

Jamie felt his chest seize up and his throat go dry. Never forget?! Surely he must be referring to the head trauma that Claire was likely to incur from fighting this man. What could possibly have happened to her, to make her fear a red coat more than this?

“Easiest money I’ve ever made.” The man’s voice was much deeper than Jamie’s.

“Go ahead, underestimate me. That’ll be fun for you.” Claire said darkly. “You’re just a big blundering bear with no teeth or claws.”

Jamie clapped a palm to his forehead and went back through the door find an inconspicuous place to watch. The wee idiot! It would seem that her trash talking had made all of her opponents forget any reservations they may have had about fighting a woman.

The talking died down as Gavin stepped into the center of the ring to end the previous match. He looked around, enjoying the enthralled look on his patrons’ faces. “Now I understand that many of ye came tonight to see a certain wee Sassenach.”

The crowed erupted into cheers, and Jamie was feeling more sick by the second. He felt a strange pang of possessiveness at the word Sassenach. It would never mean the same thing coming out of someone else’s mouth.

Gavin held his arms up to silence them. “Now ye should ken that tonight is her last fight, but let me first introduce her opponent. For those of ye who dinna ken, Tom Campbell here has never lost a fight.” And out walked the bear. Some people cheered, some murmured excitedly, some doubtfully. Jamie wasn’t sure how this could possibly get any worse.

“Now, without further ado, I give ye the Sassenach!”

Claire hurdled over the side of the wooden barrier of the ring. Tucked into the breeks, she wore a simple white cloth shirt. Her hands had been wrapped in linen strips to the middle of her forearm, and she wore no shoes. The little piece of Jamie’s tartan was now tied in her hair. There was no obvious expression on her face. She had opted instead for quiet intensity.

“Opponents will now shake hands.” Gavin had to remind them.

Tom Campbell’s hand completely engulfed Claire’s. He saw the tendons pop out as he squeezed a little too hard. Claire snatched her hand back and her lip curled.

As the match began, it became apparent that not everyone was a Sassenach fan. It was hard enough for Jamie to ignore the scathing insults some people were yelling, but it was almost impossible to keep himself from running into the ring and knocking out Tom Campbell himself. If Claire knew he was here, she’d want him to trust her, and let her hold her own against this man.

Tom had already landed a punch or two right into her mouth. Her face was the at the perfect hight for his fists. The top of her head rose barely to the middle of his chest, bun included.

But she was still standing, and she didn’t seem to be in pain. She was light on her feet as she danced around him, dodging the majority of his blows. She drove her fist with all her might into Tom’s abdomen, and he threw back his head in laughter. Claire had backed away, shaking out her hand.

She had yet to get any solid hits on him. She seemed to be waiting for something. “Whatever is the matter?” She taunted. “Am I too fast for you? Am I making you dizzy?” The man roared and lunged at her.

“Claire!” Jamie screamed her name, but it was drowned out by the crowd.

When the dirt had settled, the crowd has gone silent. Claire was on her stomach, and the brute had her left arm bent and pinned painfully against her back. The littlest finger stuck out at an odd angle. Her face was drawn with pain but there was the hint of a smile in the corner of her mouth. “Well you’re going to feel downright foolish Tommy.” She said. “You probably should have taken both of my arms.”

She turned as much as she could to the right, and threw the handful of dirt she had concealed in her right hand right into his eyes. He shrieked and fell to his knees, now right in her range. The rest of the fight lasted less than ten seconds but Jamie felt as if he was watching in slow motion.

She was on her feet again faster than lighting. After paying him back with interest for the punches she received, she grabbed his arm and drew him forward. Tom Campbell, eyes streaming, could barely see what was about to happen to him.

Jamie watched with a mixture of horror and a little bit of pride as he saw all of his own techniques executed perfectly and lethally. Claire’s elbow collided with the man’s mandible, and the ear splitting crack silenced everyone. But she wasn’t done yet. She had then jumped over a foot off the ground. On the way down, both of her feet had planted themselves firmly into Tom’s chest and knocked him back with such a force that the sound of his head colliding with the wooden barrier sounded almost like a gunshot. He lay crumpled and moaning on the dirt floor.

Claire stood there alone, hunched over with her hands on her knees and chest heaving. If she was surprised that she won, she was purposely not showing it.  There was a new gash on her temple. Hair was stuck to her forehead, which was shining with sweat. A deep red splotch bloomed in white of her eye. Her mouth was slightly open as she took rhythmic, panting breaths. Blood had pooled inside her lip, and she spat it onto the ground. She looked terrifying and beautiful all at once, almost like she wasn’t even real.

Gavin announced her the winner. Some of the patrons were clapping and cheering. Others simply stared at her in open-mouthed disbelief. The fight was over, and Jamie had meant to leave but he was rooted to the spot. Claire slowly straightened up. She had been staring off into space and she extended her hand out to Gavin without looking at him. He dropped an enormous bag of coin into her palm.

And Jamie was finally able to identify his deepest fear. Although he cared for her safety more than anything, he cared for Claire herself even more. She was going to use that money to leave, and there was nothing he could do to stop her. It was what she wanted for months, and he had always pushed it back behind his brain, out of sight. He could never ask her to stay, it didn’t seem right. He had made the mistake of thinking he meant more to her than this.

It was as though someone has turned his hearing back on, and the screaming of the crowed came rushing back. Somehow, Jamie knew exactly what Claire was going to think if she saw him. But he didn’t have to wait much longer to have it confirmed. He was rooted to the spot unable to look away, and they had suddenly locked gazes from all the way across the room. Her eyes widened at the sight of him. The spell was broken and he hastily made for the exit and wondered miserably if she’d be gone come morning. Honest feelings and bad timing make the most painful combination.

_________________________________________________________________

Fuck fuck fuck. And everything had been going so horribly right too. The initial shock was draining away and quickly becoming replaced by anger. I had spent the entire evening being so happy with myself. It was almost over, and he had been there the whole fucking time.

I shouldered my way through the crowd with great difficulty. Hands came from all directions to pat me on the back. Someone tried to hand me a pint. I had finally broken through to the back where I roughly pulled on my outer clothing and my boots. I sensed somebody standing in the doorway behind me.

“Excellent fight, sassenach.” It was Peter.

“Do not call me that.” I said acidly.

“What’s the matter? You’ve just won!” There was something odd about the expression on his face, like he was keeping a fantastic secret and he wanted me to beg to know what it was.

“Doesn’t feel like it. Get out of my way.”

He pushed a greasy flap of hair back off of his forehead. “Where’s that red head?”

“Jamie? Hell if I know.” Technically not a lie, as I in fact did not know his exact location but I could hazard a guess. Why would Peter care anyway? It inexplicably bothered me and I pushed past him out the back door, bumping him with my shoulder a little harder than necessary.

Jamie was halfway back to the tavern when I caught up with him. He stopped in the middle of the alleyway as he heard my running feet stop suddenly behind him. He didn’t turn around, plainly wanting me to speak first.

“Who told you?” Was all I could think to begin with.

He whirled around and ran both of his hands roughly through his hair. “No one told me Claire. I could almost laugh out loud upon hearing such a question. You may as well have told me, instead of trying to keep track of all yer stories. That must have gotten so tiring for you.”

I chewed my lip, not having expected to get so mad so early in the argument.  “Why are you even here? Did you want to catch me? Well congratulations. You’ve done it. What are you going to do now? Drag me back to Dougal? Or perhaps pour me a glass of whisky so you can have another excuse to put your face right up to mine?”

He’d been trying to cut me off during my rapid-fire questioning. But now his mouth had pressed into a thin line. He attempted to put on a mask of anger to match mine but I could still see the hurt in his face. I was trying to upset him, and telling him that whisky-filled night meant nothing to me did a pretty good job of it. The Claire Beauchamp in that moment did not care.

“I only wanted to make sure you were safe.” He said quietly.

“Well I don’t need you to okay?” I shot back at him. “I didn’t ask you to watch over me. I won didn’t I?”

“Aye ye won but at what cost? Ye’re purple from head to toe and I’ll be damned if that finger isna broken. What’s worse, ye’ve deliberately risked the English finding ye!”

I quickly put the finger in question behind my back. It was beginning to take the form of a small sausage. I then decided against my better judgement to escalate the fight into a full blown shouting match.

“Stop trying to discipline me like a child! I’m fine. The English aren’t coming back for weeks, and in case you didn’t hear me before, I won. And everyone saw it.”

Jamie threw his hands up in exasperation. “Christ Claire ye’ll do anything for spite d’ye ken that? Don’t ye care that ye’ve already proven yerself to the people that actually matter?” He said desperately.

“What if that’s not good enough for me?” I spat back.

He bowed his head. “Then I hope ye ken ye’ll never be satisfied.”

Then, when my coin pouch fell with a seemingly deafening clank onto the ground between us, I thought that night the universe wanted all of our unspoken issues to be laid out before us. We both stared silently at it for a few seconds before I swiped it back and tucked it into my belt.

“But ye care about yer so-called freedom even more than spite aye?” His voice held an odd note almost like he rehearsed this, or at least spent a very long time thinking about it.

“You hate being alone. Ye think ye’ve gotten used to it, that it’s the only way for you. And that's why ye’re ready to run away like a frightened little rabbit, even when ye’ve found a new family.”

I opened my mouth to speak but he stopped me. The dam had been broken.

“Dinna think I haven’t seen ye pass money on to Dougal every morning thinkin’ he’ll reward ye with your ring. And dinna think I don’t know that you’re going to l-leave with all haste the second ye get it back! All this nonsense about the Jacobites.”

Then very quietly, “somehow the fact that ye’re hiding it makes it worse. You hate that someone is able to make ye feel something.” He finished, breathing raggedly.

He had taken several steps forward during his speech, as if to impress upon me the magnitude of what he was saying. Of what he was feeling. He was now standing less than a foot from me. I thought to the onlooker that it must have looked like we were about to tear each other apart in the ring.

I had stopped shouting but where my voice lacked volume, it was now filled with venom. “Jacobite nonsense? The story of an innocent boy flogged half to death doesn’t mean nothing to me Jamie. Neither does the fact that families are being torn apart and culture is being destroyed. Perhaps you should think again before you claim to know me so well. Because guess what.”

I had been repeatedly jabbing my finger into his chest as I spoke. Now, I reached inside the neck of my shirt, drew out the ring, and held it up to his face. It spun gently to and fro in midair, glinting slightly in the moonlight.

“Dougal already gave it back you bastard. And I’m still here.”

[dansiere]

FIVE SONGS

list five songs associated with your muse and its meaning to them as a character, or to you as the writer. this can be applied in-character or out-of-character. it can go as deep as looking at the song’s real-world origins or meaning along with the themes it carries to the muses’ story, values, or experiences, or as simple as if your muse would listen to this kind of music, or even if you just listen to these pieces for inspiration.

TAGGED BY: @handspoken, who kinda hates me? Just kidding I love you okay. TAGGING: @rosiqe, @citialiin, @absolutia, @huntershowl, @blossomingbeelzebug, @foxcharmed, @noirtux, @hiskniight, @ndeavor, @kissafist, @ahsterism (muse of your choice!), @carvedbones, @enshijou & @ettards. -- steal it, honestly. It is a great meme.

01. Both Sides Now - Joni Mitchell Moons and Junes and ferries wheels, the dizzy dancing way that you feel as every fairy tale comes real. I've looked at love that way. 

I have probably talked about this song so often already but BOY where do I start? I was watching “Love Actually” & Both Sides Now started playing; it’s the scene where Karen (Emma Thompson) almost breaks down & cries while realizing that her relationship is a farce, that she has been foolish & blind & delusional. It continues with her doing her absolute best to calm herself down, to not collapse but function instead; she pretends she is fine, fearing that she might ruin her family’s Christmas party otherwise. It’s a raw, emotional scene unfolding itself while Joni sings about how she came to realize that everything has two sides; the very thing we dream off, aka we imagine / how we wish things are & the harsh reality. No song could ever express Pearl’s delusion with life & love [but also realizing one’s naivity] better than this one; the aspect of pretending that she is fine in order to not ruin her family’s lives with her agony fits excruciatingly well too. -- in fact, the stanza “I have looked at love from both sides now, from give and take & still somehow it’s love’s illusions that I recall. I really don’t know love at all” has been my blog description for months & I won’t change it any time soon. Additionally, this song is about growth & personal change sung with a certain candidness that words can’t really describe  -- this song single-handedly inspired me to create this blog, ngl.

02. Dernière Danse - Indila Oh my sweet torment, no point in fighting, you start again. I'm just a worthless being, without [her] I'm troubled. I wander around alone on the subway, a last dance: To forget my great misery. I want to get away, everything to start again.

Number two on my list is a bit of an oddity; it is the song that inspired me to change my URL & bottom header quote. I have always related this song to Pearl basically because it SOUNDS cheerful, has a more upbeat melody & seems positive enough on the outside; however, upon looking at the lyrics & understanding what the artist actually sings about you may or may not get chills. It’s literally a song about losing oneself, misery & the horrid feeling of loneliness after loss all wrapped up in some funky & cheery melody. It seems rather SURREAL at first & upon translating the lyrics you might believe Google is messing with you but... no. The cheery intro fools you, just how Pearl fools everyone in believing that she is a-okay. -- the song grows more & more serious / dramatic with the melody / beat becoming “heavier” over time. While still rather peppy, you can tell that something is wrong the second the background choir kicks in. -- needless to say, I consider the lyrics to be a reference to Pearl’s extreme directionlessness, her lack of purpose, severe lethargy & how she lost herself in her misery.

03. Dark Paradise - Lana Del Rey And there's no remedy for memory your face Is like a melody, it won't leave my head. Your soul is hunting me and telling me That everything is fine, but I wish I was dead.

At first, I wanted to use this meme as an excuse to gush on & on about It’s Over, isn't it? but then I remembered that Dark Paradise is a thing. Lana Del Rey simply had to be on here due to her habit of utterly & completely romanticizing tragic romance & death to an almost unhealthy degree. Pearl is guilty of the same issue. -- glorifying things you should absolutely not glorify. Dark Paradise deals with the loss of true love & the trauma that follows; not being able to move on, not being able to let go, blind devotion, stuck in the same grief, the same melancholy, the same subtle craving for death (through drowning). It’s haunting really, but these are topics that not only fit Pearl aesthetically but also motif wise. The largest part of her season 1 - 3 arc dealt with her grief over losing Rose & her inability to overcome her trauma in that regard. Dark Paradise strikes that nerve & expresses that despair rather accurately. 

04. Blinding - Florence and the Machine And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack All around the world was waking, I never could go back Cause all the walls of dreaming, they were torn wide open And finally it seemed that the spell was broken.

I wanted to add a song that might describe Pearl’s mentality more; something from Sleeping At Last, Aurora or Sia maybe, but given how I have been gushing about Florence & the Machine lately, I felt like I had to include them because of their extreme Pearl-esque aesthetic alone. Blinding is massive. It shakes you to the core & drags you along, whenever you want it or not. Its heavy percussion & lyrics, the REALIZATION hit you like a truck; I have always associated this song with the moment Pearl realizes who she is. May it be before the war or after "Now We Are Only Falling Apart". It has a revolutionary feeling to it: she wakes up from her Homeworld induced trance & breaks her conditioning, she wakes up from her lethargy & takes a stand for herself. It works either way, really. 

05. The Fantasy - 30 Seconds to Mars Do you live, do you die, do you bleed for the fantasy? In your mind, through your eyes, do you see? It's the fantasy Maybe, tonight we can forget about it all: it could be, just, like heaven. I am a machine: no longer living, just a shell of what I dreamed.

I needed a renegade song; something fast & aggressive; this one had the perfect vibe. The Fantasy it is loud, emotional, gritty & chaotic; it’s fast-paced, it’s desperate. It opposes all Past Pearl is supposed to stand for. It builds up, it swells, grows more & more apoplectic over time. -- “Dying for the fantasy” is another big motif on this blog; in fact, her dream / fantasy controls most of her early life to the point where it becomes an obsession. -- this song embodies the very compulsive drive she had, once. Reaching for a Golden Future that eventually turns out to be “just a shell of what she dreamt”; the fairytale that almost cost her her life in the end.

06. Honourable Mentions songs I need to list somewhere or I will burst.

Running Up that Hill - Kate Bush, Eight & Three - Sleeping At Last, Falling Infinite & Strangelove - Black Math, Everything I wanted - Billie Eilish, Send in the Clowns - Barbra Streisand, Bird Set Free - Sia, God is a Woman (cover) & Infections of a Different Kind - Aurora, Love is a Battlefield - Pat Benata,  Beautiful Lie - 30 Seconds to Mars, Love Lockdown (Cover) & Pork Soda - Glass Animals,  One Match & Romeo - Until the Ribbon Breaks, Over the Love & Hardest of Hearts - Florence & the Machine, Beautiful Crime - Tamer, Truth Is a Beautiful Thing - London Grammar, Diary of Jane - Breaking Benjamin, Do I Wanna Know? - Arctic Monkeys, Far too Young to Die - Panic!At the Disco, Cut the Cord - Shinedown, The War - SYML  & Reborn - Talos.

[nadziejastar]

The Meaning of Axel’s Upside-Down Tears

Wait, don’t tell me—

Axel checked his reflection in the glass again and looked for the marks. They were gone. The marks under his eyes were missing.

“We’re people again.”

Lea knew he was human again when he realized that the marks under his eyes were gone. They were the symbol of his identity as a Nobody. Since Saïx mentioned them several times in KH3, I’m sure the entire backstory of how he got them was supposed to be very important to their relationship. Lea has the tear marks in his concept art for BBS, and Isa has yellow eyes and pointed ears. I think this was because we were supposed to see the full backstory of how Isa got Norted and how Lea got his tear marks.

Day 356: Unforeseen Events

Author: Saïx

Our plans never accounted for the possibility of both Xion and Roxas leaving. How did this come to pass? When did Roxas grow strong enough to outmuscle me? What were you really after, Lea? We joined the Organization at the same time, and formulated our plan. At this point, it’s just an idle fantasy. Everything changed. You, and me.

This post will be my opinion about Axel’s upside-down tears and what they truly represent. On the day Axel vowed to bring Xion back, Saïx said in his report that he couldn’t understand what Lea was after anymore. They joined the organization at the same time and formulated their plan.

“You both think you can do whatever you want!” He summoned his flame-wreathed chakrams to his hands. “Well, I’m sick of it. Go on, you just keep running. But I’ll always be there to bring you back!”

It was a plea, a cry, a bitter lament, and a vow.

I think this plan was the origin of the tear marks. The upside-down tears represented a plea, a cry, a bitter lament, and a vow.

Roxas was starting to resent the Organization because of Xion. It was an uncomfortable idea, but some of the blame lay with Axel, and he was getting worried that Roxas’s doubts might include him as well.

Axel walked on. He wanted to find Xion before Roxas did—and that was why he had them split up. If he could find her first, maybe he could defuse some of the tension. But how would everyone be satisfied without getting hurt? How could he make that happen? He doubted it was even possible. That didn’t mean he was about to give up, though. He walked on.

When Saïx first ordered Xion to be destroyed, Axel told Roxas to trust him and that he’d think of something clever to fix everything. He really had no idea how to do that, though.

Nomura: It is a fact that Saïx and Axel probably wanted to take over the Organization, however they didn’t understand what they were going to do or how to do it. As for Xemnas, he knew about this betrayal, but never brought it up. Generally, one’s conduct was for the sake of their purpose.

I think Lea’s promise to Isa was probably the same. He vowed to bring him home, but he would need to overthrow the organization in order to do that. And he had no idea how he was going to accomplish that. 

Day 119: Hearts and Emotion

Author: Xaldin

Watching that foolish beast flail about only deepens my disdain for humans and their incessant need to be pinned down by feelings. We became Nobodies precisely to avoid the shackles of emotion. It was only later that we realized the scale of that loss: that some things simply cannot be done without a heart. Nonetheless, I see nary a pleasant thing about it.

Teardrop tattoos are usually associated with prison culture in real life. They often mean that the wearer has killed someone. Others may get such a tattoo to represent sorrow or loss, such as when a loved one is murdered or imprisoned.

Facing Sora like this reminded him of Roxas, which made him uneasy. The memory of a feeling welled up within, something that had never come over him when he confronted Marluxia or Larxene or Vexen.

Since I became a Nobody, I haven’t cared like this about anyone who isn’t connected to memories of my past.

What was happening? Why was Roxas so important to him? Why was Sora? So long as he understood what the stakes were, he should have no reason to recoil from terminating someone. After all, he was a Nobody with no heart. And yet…he didn’t want to do this.

Axel is an assassin, and I think that his teardrops have both of those meanings. Xaldin said that the apprentices became Nobodies to avoid the shackles of emotion. I think Lea chose to join the organization for that exact same reason, though his motivations were entirely different from the apprentices. 

Saïx: There’s something I’ve meant to ask.

Xemnas: About Axel? The poor fool. How long will he keep chasing the illusion of friendship, when he himself lacks emotion? Trying so hard to retrieve what he has lost, when it may never have existed in the first place. He deserves nothing more than our pity.

I don’t think Axel was as much of a hostage of the organization as Saïx was. He felt tempted to leave all the time whenever he thought about how much Saïx had changed. He wasn’t afraid to let Naminé escape or interfere when Roxas and Xion were going to destroy each other. Xemnas was never very harsh with Axel when he would meddle. I think he could have escaped if he really wanted to. Xemnas had a greater purpose for Saïx, Roxas and Xion to be there.

“Did you take care of Axel?” Xigbar asked.

“Most likely,” Saïx replied. Technically, he hadn’t seen Axel’s end. But it was hard to imagine that he had survived.

“Are you certain he’s gone?” Xaldin demanded. “He’ll be back to cause more trouble if you didn’t eliminate him.”

Xemnas put a stop to the interrogation. “Leave Axel for the time being.”

“What about the Keyblade wielder?” Saïx asked Demyx, hoping to turn the conversation away from himself.

But he didn’t act like he minded very much when Axel left. As long as he didn’t come back and cause problems, Xemnas couldn’t have cared less what he did. 

Day 71: The Traitors' End

Author: Xigbar

Saïx had a hand in what went down at Castle Oblivion—well, more like a whole arm. Which means Axel was in on it as well. It's a fact that Xemnas ordered Axel to take out the traitors, orders which went through Saïx. No specific names were given, but naturally Xemnas knew who the turncoats were right from the get-go.

Xigbar and Xaldin encouraged Saïx to eliminate Axel apparently for their own personal reasons. On Day 71, Xigbar wrote in his report that he knew Saïx and Axel were responsible for half of their members getting wiped out. 

“Yeah, well, about those unplanned terminations…” Xigbar kept a level stare trained on him. “I have to wonder if this involves you-know-who.”

“Whether or not that is true, we have at least two Keyblades at our disposal,” said Xemnas. “Which means the plan is proceeding smoothly. There is no need to alter it simply because of a decrease in numbers.”

With that, he turned back to his documents and resumed scribbling. Xigbar only shrugged and disappeared from the room.

In the novel, he brings the issue up with Xemnas on Day 71. But Xemnas didn’t care. This was a personal issue Xigbar had. Xemnas said Axel deserved nothing more than PITY when he left. It didn’t sound like he was even interested in seeking him out to punish him. That’s how pathetic Xemnas found him.

“Axel this, Axel that… Sounds like you’re thick as thieves.” Xigbar restlessly jiggled his crossed legs. “Makes me wonder what you two are up to.”

“I might wonder the same about you,” Saïx retorted, and the tension was so thick it was hard to breathe.

“We have but one objective,” said Xemnas. “Be sure to keep that in mind.”

Personally, I think Xigbar and Xaldin were envious of Axel’s devotion to Saïx. They took satisfaction in Saïx hunting Axel down as a traitor because they believed that love is a weakness and it eventually withers and dies. But Xemnas seemed to view Axel as nothing but a pitiful kid who devoted his whole life to a lost cause. He knew that from the very beginning, Axel was only there for only one reason---to get his best friend back.

“Yeah, well, now I’m betraying them.”

Xemnas began chuckling at Axel’s overconfident declaration. “Heh-heh… Heh-heh-heh…”

“Xemnas…?” Xigbar frowned nervously. But he didn’t stop laughing. Xigbar and Saïx looked at each other.

“Very well.” Finally, Xemnas stifled his laughter, though he still sounded intensely amused. “You’re reinstated into the organization.”

In the novel, Axel actually went back to the organization when he was planning to rescue Kairi, and Xemnas saw right through his act. He found it so hilarious he was laughing hysterically and just said okay. Xigbar and Saïx just looked at each other, obviously creeped out. To Xemnas, Axel was just a worthless pawn that had been already been knocked off the board. He wasn’t the least bit threatened by him. Lea didn’t even have his own chess piece on Xehanort’s board in KH3. That’s how insignificant of a player he was.

Xigbar: The house is looking pretty empty, huh? I thought I'd get a little enjoyment watching Axel throw one last tantrum, but he went a lot quieter than I thought.

Xehanort paid so little attention to him, it might be why Lea was able to catch him off guard to rescue Sora in KH3D. Xigbar said he wasn’t supposed to be there, so they weren’t expecting him. Lea was simply not on Xehanort’s radar. In my view, Lea joined the organization by choice. It’s not like he wanted to join or anything. But he wasn’t forced into it. Xehanort didn’t need him. He volunteered to join. And he stayed of his own free will. I think this is why he wouldn’t take off the black coat in KH3. He refused to leave the organization until he kept his promise to bring Isa back.

The blue-haired man had been the very first to join the organization after the founding members. He should have been special. The way number 13—Roxas, wielder of the Keyblade—was special. Axel was not. And yet…

Isa was a different story. Saïx thought he should have been special like Roxas was, and he said Axel was not special. I think this was referring to the fact that Isa was Subject X, the unique specimen who Xehanort wanted as his vessel.

The Beast had a ferociously strong heart—its strength of will alone had taken him to Hollow Bastion to save one of the princesses, Belle.

“Looks strong,” Axel remarked from behind them.

“Yeah. He is,” Riku said, sinking into thought. His heart is even stronger than his body. It’s exactly the kind of heart the organization wants…

“But someone that strong won’t just do whatever the organization says,” Naminé murmured.

“Well, this is their chance to show how persuasive they can be,” Axel said with a bitter smirk.

I think Isa was planning to end his life because he knew he was going to be forced to lose his heart and join the organization. He couldn’t defy his fate, since he was branded with the Recusant’s Sigil. 

“Why would caring about something be a weakness?” Xion asked, baffled.

Roxas lowered his head. “I don’t know. I didn’t get it, either.”

I’m not the only one surrounded by things I can’t understand, Xion thought. Axel would explain it, though…

Caring about Lea was his weakness. Xehanort probably threatened to harm Lea if Isa didn’t do what he said. Isa was trying to protect Lea. And that’s why Axel always felt such loyalty to Saïx and why it was so hard to reconcile his memories of the past with Saïx’s personality. 

“But this is for everyone’s sake.”

Everyone…? Who do you mean by everyone? Us? Or others?

“Don’t say selfish crap like that. Every last one of…”

“This is for the best,” Xion said.

I hate that sort of thing. There’s no such this as ‘this is for the best’. There’s, I want to, and I don’t want to, that’s all. I learned that in my human time.

Isa didn’t want to become an emotionless slave doing Xehanort’s dirty work for the rest of his life, and he didn’t want Lea to be used as a bargaining chip, either. He thought dying was truly the best thing he could do for everyone. That way, he wouldn’t become a puppet, and Lea would be free. That was his final decision. Lea was crying that day. He was totally heartbroken, but also angry.

Kairi looked up at him then. “Aren’t you…a bad guy?”

“I’m not,” Axel replied, completely serious. “But not really a good guy, either.”

He hated that his best friend had no choice but to sacrifice himself to do what was “right”. Lea couldn’t accept that outcome. It wasn’t fair or just that Isa was going to taken from him just because it was the most moral thing to do. He wouldn’t let Isa die, no matter what. So, he decided to join the organization along with him. He promised that he’d bring him home, by whatever means necessary.

In order for Sora—no, for Roxas to live, and also for us to accomplish our own goal, Zexion is in the way. And if it’s for the sake of our own goal, we already decided what to do, that time.

Their plan was to take over the organization together, so Isa could finally be free. Lea didn’t know how they were gonna take over, but he’d figure something out. He agreed to do whatever icky jobs Xehanort wanted him to do and he became the organization’s ruthless assassin.

I did it with the best of intentions, that’s all. For Roxas’s sake, for Xion’s sake, for the Organisation’s sake—and for Isa’s sake. But more than anything, for my own sake.

He wanted to do all the dirty work because he knew that Isa morally objected to it. This might be why Lea was allowed to join the organization, even though Xemnas knew all along that he was planning to betray him. If Lea joined, Isa would be more compliant and easier to control. Saïx wouldn’t go berserk or try to commit suicide. Having Axel around was convenient.

“Everything is back to normal. Of course this is for the best, isn’t it?”

The reason I’m unable to answer Saïx is probably because I depend on him, thought Axel.

“Xemnas has also been irritated at the recent changes in plan. Everything has to go back to normal, for the sake of our goal too… Lea.”

Axel’s motivations were clear, so his actions were predictable. Xemnas trusted him to take care of the traitors in Castle Oblivion. He was quite good at his job. He always merciless in carrying out his orders. Xemnas didn’t need him around, but he never viewed him as a threat, either. So, he was a useful asset despite his disloyalty.

I’ll bring them back no matter how many times it takes. No matter how many times. For my own sake, for your sakes. No matter how strong Xion tries to make her power, I don’t think I’ll lose. Because I’m strong.

When Lea formed his plan, he didn’t care about morality. He gave up caring about what was right or wrong or being a good person. All he cared about was getting what he wanted, which was Isa. My theory is that the upside-down tears represent Lea’s decision to become a Nobody and embracing it. He would willingly sacrifice his heart, his emotions, and and his morality, for Isa’s sake.

I use the Organization for myself. That hasn’t changed from the start. All that’s changed is for whose sake I do it for. Maybe he’d call it being a traitor. But the world changes.

When Axel kidnapped Kairi, the manga did a close up on his tear mark when she asked what he wanted her help with. I definitely think that was a hint about the meaning of the tear marks. He told Kairi he needed help getting his best friend back and he had very bad intentions for how she was going to “help” him. He knew it was wrong, but he was going to do it anyways.

“You’re letting yourself get too attached to them.” 

“Right, sir, of course, sir.” Saïx spun on his heels. That was all he wanted to say to me? 

But just as Saïx started walking away, he caught a barely audible murmur—“You’ve changed.” 

He listened to Saïx’s receding footsteps, and his gaze dropped to his own feet. “You sure I’m the one who changed?” he said under his breath.

Axel was always prepared to do whatever it took to get Isa back. He lived that way for a very long time. He never doubted himself until he began to realize how much Isa had changed. 

If Xemnas’s plan remained unchanged, then so would his. Still, Saïx saw a potential wrench in the works—Axel and his patently obvious doubts. It might have been a mistake to let him get so close to Roxas and Xion. Saïx let out a rather human sigh and vanished from the room.

Then, his emotions started interfering. He began to feel empathy for people like Roxas, Xion, Sora and Kairi. He had a lot in common with them and could understand how they felt.

“There’s something I want to look into. So I figured I should probably ask you first.”

“Hmph. I’m sure you’ll look into whatever you want with or without my permission.”

The upside-down tears also meant Lea decided he was done crying like a helpless child. I think this exchange probably represented Lea and Isa’s relationship as humans rather well. It happened the day after Axel told Saïx to shut his mouth. Axel wanted to go to Castle Oblivion and asked Saïx for permission. Saïx knew he would just do whatever he wanted to, regardless of what he said.

Saïx stared at him hard. “Fine. You have permission to enter the lab. I’ll have an underling bring you the key.”

“Perfect. Glad that didn’t take too long. Now I can get to work.”

“Somehow, I doubt the scope of your investigation will be confined to work.” Saïx’s mouth curved into the approximate shape of a smile.

“…Guilty as charged,” Axel drawled. “How much do you wanna know?”

“Nothing. Do what you want.”

Taking those words at face value, Axel waved at him and promptly left. He wondered absentmindedly whether Saïx would have granted permission for something like this to any of the other members. Even now, did Saïx still trust him?

Saïx wasn’t born yesterday. He knew Axel wanted to know about Xion and would look for information about her behind his back. He called him out on this later. But he still gave him permission to go. He trusted that Axel had his best interests in mind and let him do whatever he wanted. Saïx trusted Axel, and he never wanted to betray that trust.

“Sounds like you’re the one who’s so interested in Castle Oblivion. Don't try and dress it up as a favor.” He stepped forward and past Saïx, out of his line of sight. “Let me guess… That chamber will tell you everything you want to know about Xemnas’s true agenda. Is that about the size of it?”

I think “the plan” Lea and Isa formulated was for them both to join the organization. Isa really didn’t want to join, so Lea promised to carry out whatever orders he didn’t want to do. Saïx was more than happy to give Axel orders to eliminate people. He wasn’t worried about him while he was at Castle Oblivion, but he had no problem using him like a tool and taking advantage if his loyalty and willingness to get his hands dirty. This is why Axel started to feel resentful. Saïx was always completely on board with the plan to take over the organization.

“Your friend’s… wishes…” Roxas had to ponder that.

So, even if you mean for something to be for your friend’s sake, their wishes are still more important?

But I definitely don’t think Isa was on board with the plan. I don’t think he ever wanted Lea to give up his heart. And he never would have asked for Lea to do all the dirty work, especially for his sake.

“I guess you can’t just jump in and do everything for them, even if you want to.”

Axel leaned his head to one side. “Your friend’s wishes, huh…”

It feels like I have heard that before, a long time ago, when I was human.

But Lea didn’t care what Isa wanted and didn’t listen to him. He forcefully asserted his will over him and wouldn’t let him make his own decision.

“I’ll bring him back to our side. Let me—”

“That’s enough.” Saïx turned his head, giving Axel a sidelong look over his shoulder. “Traitor.” Axel scowled darkly.

“I’m going. You know, don’t you, that you won’t stop me except by force? And even if you tried, you would fail.” Saïx went on his way. Memories informed him that he hated this kind of thing.

It was as much for his own sake as it was for Isa’s sake. Lea wasn’t as self-sacrificing as Isa was. He was doing it for himself because he couldn’t bear to lose Isa. Lea probably forced Isa to join the organization, which might have been when Isa’s mind fragmented and he went to the Realm of Sleep. This might be another reason that Lea was allowed to join.  

“The true goal behind Xemnas—and Xehanort—forming the Organisation was to take all the empty husks that had been made to throw away their hearts, and use Kingdom Hearts to plant the same heart and mind into them,” Xigbar said from behind Sora, who turned to look at him.

Husks that had been made to throw away their hearts—in other words, they were going to plant another heart into those who couldn’t bear the pain…? Or, did they actually do that?

The one thing that caused Axel the most pain was realizing how much Isa changed. Well, Axel changed after losing his heart, too. He was ruthless and motivated only by self-interest. And I think this is what Isa was so afraid of. He didn’t want Lea to change from the kindhearted person who helped stray puppies. Isa couldn’t bear the pain of Lea sacrificing his heart and giving himself over to darkness, for his sake.

A wish that they could always be together—was longing for the impossible. But at least they could always remember one another.

Lea wished he and Isa could stay together forever, talking, laughing, and eating ice cream. That was all he wanted. It was that simple. 

I wanted us to stay together. All I wanted was to hold on to our happiness as a trio in the Organization. But I told myself to grow up and stop wishing for the impossible. Well, I’m done with that. That’s not the answer I want.

He refused to “grow up” and accept that it was impossible. He vowed he would bring Isa back, even if he had to drag him. In a way, he was like a kid throwing a tantrum.

“I’ll always be there to bring you back…,” Lea muttered with a grin as he panted. 

It was a wish—an oath, a promise. I’ll bring you back as many times as it takes. I’ll always be there. For my sake and for both of yours.

Lea didn’t respect Isa’s decision. Losing him was not what he wanted, and that was all that mattered. The marks under his eyes meant that he was taking matters into his own hands. He would never let go of his wish, so he wouldn’t need to cry anymore. 

“Well, we probably can’t be together forever,” Hayner said. “But isn’t that just part of growing up? What’s important isn’t how much we see one another. It’s how often we think about one another. Right?”

It’s why Saïx acted like the marks were something Lea “grew out of” in KH3. 

He stretched backward and rocked the chair back and forth, like a restless child. Naminé returned to her sketchbook.

“Say, Naminé… Are you still going to try to meet Kairi?” Her head snapped up at the unexpected question. Across from her, Axel met her gaze, grave and earnest.

“I have to help her,” she said with a sad smile.

He scowled. “Is that really the best thing?”

“The best thing…?” Naminé set her crayons down on the table, her gaze dropping as she thought for a moment, and then she smiled at him again. “It’s the right thing.”

In response, Axel only leaned back and rocked in the chair again. She took up her crayons. No one could know what was right or wrong.

They represented his attachment to a childish, impossible dream.

“…You’re sure this is for the best?”

Saïx finally turned his face to Axel at those words. “For you to say such a thing out loud…,” he said.

Such a thing—well, that was one way of referring to the buzzing doubt in his chest.

The teardrops represented Axel’s resolve. Saïx was absolutely right. Axel did change.

“Do you guys think we’ll always be together like this?” Pence said out of nowhere.

“I sure hope so,” Olette replied, as if she’d been wondering the same.

“Huh?” Hayner was mystified. “Where’d that come from?”

“Oh, um, you know… Just thinking out loud.” Pence bit into his ice cream bar.

When he first joined the organization, he vowed he would do whatever it took for him and Isa to stay together forever. Without a heart, he thought he would never have any doubt or inner conflict about what he needed to do to make this wish come true.

“We don’t have any place to run.” Xion shook her head.

Yes, we can, Roxas wanted to say. We’ll get away somehow.

But it wasn’t true.

“I know,” he mumbled. “I was just thinking out loud.”

He never expressed any kind of uncertainty about his actions, which is why Saïx was so surprised when he voiced his doubts over Xion. It wasn’t like Axel to question whether something was “for the best”. 

It shouldn’t make any difference to him or to the Organization whether Naminé lived or not. He would destroy anyone in his way.

The old Axel would destroy anything or anyone in his way. 

“You’ve lost sight of the light within the darkness. And it seems that you’ve forgotten that you forgot.”

“The light within the darkness…,” Sora murmured, as if it reminded him of something.

Axel seized on that. “You want me to give you a hint?”

I think Isa was probably Lea’s light within the darkness during the experiments. 

Yes, Axel was now truly flesh and blood, which meant that the idea of losing himself to the darkness frightened him. Still, he needed the power of darkness to open these corridors. Without it, he wouldn’t be able to travel from Radiant Garden to other worlds. The darkness in his heart gave him that power, and he had at least enough for this. Was any human truly free of darkness in their heart? Wasn’t that the nature of sadness and regret?

Lea could open dark corridors, even as a human. He admitted this was due to the darkness within his heart. He wasn’t reluctant to rely on the power of darkness. And he was a victim of experiments on the darkness of the heart, after all. Or at least, that is the backstory that makes the most sense for him.

After Riku’s devastating blow, Saïx got slowly to his feet. “Nothing less from the great Ansem—that’s what I should say, isn’t it? Or maybe—”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about! I’m protecting those islands!” Riku rushed into range, but this time the Claymore, Saïx’s sword, was there to block Soul Eater.

“How do you expect to protect anything when you’ve cloaked yourself in darkness? You sold your soul for power. Was it worth it?”

Isa was the reason Lea never fully gave in to the darkness. Even Saïx seemed disgusted with using the power of darkness to protect anything. This is probably due to Isa’s memories of the experiments.

Now then, how best to guide Terra into becoming his vessel? The fierce light in Terra’s heart also empowered the darkness within him. The stronger the light, the deeper the shadow, and that would be Terra’s path into the darkness.

Like Terra, maybe Isa’s powerful light was the reason he was such a unique subject who was targeted to become a vessel. 

Vexen let out a howl of anguish, though it was only a moment before flames consumed him and he vanished entirely. Nobodies, it seemed, left nothing behind when they were snuffed out.

“What are you—? What are you people?!” Sora demanded.

“Hmm. Not sure. I wonder about that myself.” With that, Axel disappeared himself.

I think that, without Isa around, Axel wandered down a very dark path. He held a lot of hatred inside of him and the tear marks were a symbol of that. The reason Axel changed is because Saïx changed. That gave him the opportunity to find the right path on his own, becoming a Guardian of Light. It was necessary character development for him. He needed to rediscover who he really was.

“…You planning to get in the way again?” said Saïx.

Axel kept his eyes averted. “In the way of what? Of who?” he asked.

“In the way of us. I trust you.”

Axel cracked a dry smile. “You say that exactly like you would if you had a heart.”

“My memories of the time I did have one are making it so, that’s all. If you get in the way any further, though, the memories I have since becoming a Nobody will overwrite them.”

“…That sounds like a threat.”

“It’s quite similar. Think good and hard about it,” Saïx said in closing, and walked away. Axel stood there, rooted to the spot.

On the morning Saïx gave Roxas the mission in Halloween Town, he and Xion were supposed to fight until one of them destroyed the other. Saïx told Axel he trusted him, and Axel seemed like he remembered Isa telling him the same thing. I think Isa did tell Lea that he trusted him when he vowed he’d always be there to bring him back. Saïx was reminding him of that.

“It seems you chose the selfish course of action. Our plan does not require two of them. You understand this, don’t you? One is plenty.”

When you say ‘we,’ who do you mean? Axel wanted to ask suddenly, giving a bitter smile instead. We—Is ‘we’ the Organization itself? Or is ‘we’ just Saïx and me? I don’t really know any more.

“Think good and hard about it.”

I am thinking. I’m thinking so hard that I’m sick of it. I’m thinking so hard that I just want you to tell me the answer. He wanted to tell him so, but Saïx had already started walking towards the lobby.

It’s just like that back is rejecting me. And, I’m realizing that my memories of the past are too different from the thoughts I’m having now. Why the hell am I here? I don’t really know any more. What the hell do I want to do?

But Axel went against Saïx’s wishes and disappointed him. Their roles had reversed from when they were humans. Isa never would have wanted Lea to sacrifice his heart for him. He never would have asked him to kill innocent people for his sake. And he never would have wanted him to give himself over to darkness. He wanted to sacrifice himself because he wanted Lea to be free from the darkness. That selflessness is exactly why Lea wanted to save him so badly in the first place. Lea was “selfish” for acting on his own whims and refusing to do what was “for the best”.

Axel’s eyes crinkled as he remembered his own best friend—the only friend he’d ever had, in fact.

“If your best friend goes away, you’re sad, and if you get to be with them, you’re happy,” Naminé added. “Isn’t that how it is, Axel?”

“…That’s about the size of it.” Axel nodded and sat down on the remaining empty sofa, staring at the sea-salt ice cream he held.

“So you are capable of sincerity,” said Riku. Axel only shrugged at the jab and finished his ice cream pop.

On the other hand, Saïx considered Axel “selfish” because he didn’t want two innocent children to be destroyed for the sake of their goal. He didn’t care about anyone but himself. Axel no longer recognized him. The fact that Axel shed tears in KH2FM+ was a huge deal. The upside-down tears were supposed to mean he was done with crying. He never wanted to be put in a situation where he’d have to cry like he did when Isa almost sacrificed himself. Never again. But even after abandoning his morals and giving up his heart, he still felt like he lost his best friend and failed to bring him back. It was very sad, actually.

[catflowerqueen]

Sableye Backstory

So here’s that backstory I promised you all months ago now… and which I worked on instead of writing the actual paper I have due this week….

I’m going to go ahead and refer to the sableye by name throughout the narrative for ease of understanding, but none of them actually had individual names until some varying point after meeting Laura.

General Backstory:

This will also have to be split in several parts, since the six sableye that I lovingly refer to as the “Sableye Gang” actually started out as two distinct groups. Sort of.

Technically speaking, all six sableye and their families were originally part of a bigger clan/tribe of sableye, so they spent part of their early life together. They all had varied relationships to their blood relatives, but the six of them were always very close, and good friends with each other. They had their squabbles, of course, but more in the manner of close siblings—even though only Seis and Trois are actually related by blood. Or at least, they have the closest blood relationship—some of the others could probably be considered cousins, if only distantly, considering how tight-knit the clan used to be, but no one really bothered to do any sort of genealogical study to confirm that, nor do they really care either way. They’re all around the same age, with Cinq being the oldest and Trois the youngest—the age difference between the two of them probably isn’t any bigger than three years or so, however.

The leader of this clan was Seis and Trois’ grandfather. After his death, when the eldest of the gang (Cinq) was around six or seven, there was a schism in the group over which of the grandfather’s two sons should be the next leader. Ultimately, Seis and Trois’ uncle would win—and he ended up banishing the families that opposed him, so the gang was split up when Seis and Trois’ family was forced to leave. I’ll call this group “Group One,” because even though it’s the smaller of the two groups, it makes a bit more sense chronologically speaking to talk about this group first as far as Seis and Trois are concerned.

 Group One

This group did not fare well at all. They were smaller in number, and couldn’t take on bigger groups of pokémon, or strong solitary pokémon, and so often lost fights over food/territory. It wasn’t long before their leader—Seis and Trois’ dad—decreed that in order to survive, they needed to get rid of the dead weight. By this, he meant the kids—including his own sons. Luckily for the duo, however, their mother loved them very, very much and protected them, covering their escape. But she was severely injured in the process, and didn’t survive long. Her sons kept her chest gem as a memento, and then buried her before moving on and trying to make a life of their own. The safest thing for them was to keep moving and work on speed (and acting skills, in Seis’ case), since they’d already seen the results of what happened when a too-small, too-weak group tried to assert dominance—and they had the added handicap of being children. They managed fairly well for themselves for a year or two… until Trois got really, really sick when Seis was around 8-9 years old. So sick, in fact, that Seis feared he would die, especially since he didn’t have any medical training and didn’t know how to help.

Luckily for them… when Seis was out looking for some clean water to at least try and keep his brother comfortable, he ran into the Little Imp, who was out with Dusknoir on a sort of reconnaissance mission, and he convinced her to help. She basically bullied Dusknoir into going out and getting medicinal fruits and things—either by gathering them himself in the future or getting Dialga/Celebi to send him into the past to get some (because at this point I’m not entirely sure whether or not Little Imp and Celebi had their brief meeting that forced Celebi into moving away from Grovyle and closer to Dialga, where he could keep a watch over her). With her help, Trois manages to recover—though he’ll always have some health/physical development issues stemming from this incident. The only reason that she doesn’t adopt them on the spot is that Seis’ acting skills are so great, even at this stage, that he convinces her that he is way older than he actually is, and that this illness was a freak occurrence and the two do just fine by themselves usually—he totally has everything handled.

He does NOT have everything handled, but the two adults kind of scare him a little (or a lot) despite how helpful they’ve been—Little Imp because of her intensity and how genuine she is in her kindness and caring (since its something he hasn’t seen since his mother passed away) and Dusknoir because he’s just being his typical suspicious and intimidating self—and Seis fooled him as far as ages go, too. He would have probably toned things down at least a little had he known Seis was a child, and not just Trois, he would have toned things down a bit—given his own backstory, he’s always been pretty good with children. Though, granted, the children he’s most familiar with were actually fairly well-adjusted, considering the circumstances.

In any case, despite him not having nearly as good a grip on things as leads everyone he’s ever interacted with to believe, he actually managed fairly well after this incident.

 Group Two:

This group consisted of the remaining four sableye and their families. They mostly kept the same lifestyle that they’d had up until this point, as the group was still fairly large. Nothing major happened with them for roughly four or five years. But when the kids were around 9-10… the group’s leader made a humongous mistake that changed the course of their lives.

Safe spaces to hide and rest are at a premium in the dark future, even for an experienced group like the sableye clan, so when they come across a cave—complete with a sort of door mechanism guarding the entrance—that looks untouched, despite being very well-hidden and near a grove of fruit trees… they decide to try and make it their new base for a while. But the fact that it was so untouched despite being in such a great location should have set off some major warning signals, because shortly after the adults start trying to force the door open… an absolutely furious Dialga shows up. Apparently, this location was the equivalent of a holy place, and Dialga does not take well to the perceived desecration. He starts a massacre, going so far as to actually ignore and push aside the Little Imp—who had been frantically trying to catch up to him and then stop him—and then the next thing the kids know, all the adults are dead. The only reason the kids survive is that the Little Imp shields them with her own body—going so far as to gather the absolutely freaked out kids in her arms and then turn her back to Dialga so that he wouldn’t be able to push her aside again—and then makes a desperate plea and tries to bargain with him. Dialga is too far gone to listen to reason—but he’s apparently still able to parse through plans of vengeance.

 Dialga is mad because the adult sableye were trying to break into a location that’s extremely precious to her, right? So if anyone deserves the right to punish the sableye, it would be her. But simply killing them is a waste, when there are more productive things that could be done—like making them into an object lesson for anyone else foolish enough to cross Dialga. And what good is an example if it can only be shown off once? Especially in this crazy world, where people are liable to forget things if they aren’t constantly exposed to it. So even though she absolutely hates the phrasing and implications, the Little Imp finally manages to secure the lives of the four kids by, essentially, putting them under her control and trading their lives for their freedom. It’s the only thing that makes the slightest bit of sense to Dialga, even though he hasn’t quite been appeased by the carnage he already wrought. In his mind, they owe the Little Imp everything—not because she spared their lives, but because they tried to ruin something that belongs to her, so she is owed repayment of some sort. Even if they didn’t actually do anything, and the whole thing was an accident.

 But the Little Imp hates it, absolutely hates it, because she doesn’t want the kids to feel like they owe her anything, or that they have to be servants. She just wants them to live, and to be able to be kids. But she knows that because of what Dialga just did and said, and because of what the world in general is like… that can’t happen. Especially not now.

Still, despite the unfortunate implications and the trauma, she—and Dusknoir—try to help the kids and raise them the best they can. She doesn’t feel like she can really be a mother figure to them (which is why she never attempts to give any of them names—along with the fact that, as an adult, she actually has the chance to learn about pokémon naming conventions in general, and how some just don’t give specific names to their kids, for various reasons [such as in Dusknoir’s family, where the tradition is that the eldest child of the family remains unnamed in order to “carry on the family name/line/etc.” while all subsequent children get their own name. So Dusknoir, as the eldest, only has his species name while his younger brother, who remained a duskull, did get an actual name]), and she actually feels kind of awkward around them given the technicalities surrounding their situation… but she still tries. And it eventually starts to work—at least, a little. Their relationship is extremely complicated, and they still think of her and Dusknoir as more their bosses/masters than anything like a family… but they become extremely fond of her. They come to adore her, really, and feel safe enough to express the fact that they’re extremely grateful that she saved them—even if they don’t really get why she did. But before she can try to teach them more, or get them to understand their own worth—or the fact that they’re allowed to be angry that she couldn’t do more for them, that she chose this option rather than trying harder to change Dialga’s mind—she dies. This takes place when the eldest of them is around 12-13… and they, along with Dusknoir and Dialga, are absolutely devastated. Also a bit afraid, since she was basically their shield from Dialga’s wrath… but mainly they’re devastated.

 None of them even considers running, event though they probably could have completely escaped during this time of distraction, so they’re still kind of awkwardly mulling around in confusion and grief when Dialga finally regains himself enough to start plotting about kidnapping the Little Imp’s successor. Dusknoir is just as confused and grief-stricken as everyone else, but he also has enough age and sanity to be able to keep ahold of himself and make his own plans and realizes that, given how unhinged Dialga is at the moment, the sableye are in a very precarious position, because their connection to the Little Imp was the only thing keeping his master’s eyes off them. So he quickly takes full control of them himself, telling Dialga that it’s only until the Little Imp’s successor comes of age and can decide what she wants done for herself. Plus, they can still be effective bodyguards as she grows up. Given the nature of the Little Imp, and Laura’s connection to her (and, thus, to the cave that is at the root of this whole mess), Dialga agrees to this pretty readily. Also, he’s half distracted with making preparations and trying to wrest enough control/power from Palkia to be able to open another portal to the human world.

The sableye are pretty on board with this board with this plan, mostly because they don’t really know what else to do, and are fully prepared to take on the role of guard duty/whatever Dusknoir tells them to do—in part because it really isn’t too different than what they were already doing. They and Dusknoir were expecting the new human to be an adult—because, again, only Dialga for sure what is meant by “successor”—and the fact that Earth and the Pokémon world are in different universes means that time doesn’t necessarily sync up exactly between the two [even without the mess that comes from the fact that time is currently messed up in the Pokémon world], so just because… let’s say, ten years or so have passed in Dialga’s perspective from the Little Imp coming to his world to her death, it doesn’t mean ten years have passed on Earth. It could have been twenty. Or a hundred. Or less than month. And by that same token, just because three-ish years passed on Earth from the time Laura was born to when she was kidnapped doesn’t mean that it took that same amount of time back in the Pokémon world. So even though the timing on the Rainbow Child’s personal timeline would imply that the sableye should be around 16-17 or so when they met her next incarnation, by the time they meet Laura they’re all still around the 13-14 they were when the Little Imp died.

So while the gap in age between them in Laura is still a bit large… it isn’t large enough that they aren’t all still basically kids. They’re more on equal footing—and Laura looks at them as friends and guardians more than anything else. The baggage isn’t there on either side, and they can befriend each other without worry—and, actually, the sableye are more or less encouraged to befriend Laura, because friends are what she wants and needs—and their job as her bodyguards is to keep her as happy and safe as possible. So they get to come to like her and be her friends and adore her as much as they want, without worrying overly much about what others think—though they still have to maintain a bit of “professionalism” in order to avoid ticking off Dialga, and they all know that, technically speaking, Laura is their actual boss—even if they’re listening to Dusknoir for now.

In any case, once Laura comes into Dusknoir/Dialga’s care, things proceed pretty much like she told everyone in Relatia’s Cave. The groups wouldn’t meet again for roughly 5-6 years after Laura makes her escape and befriends Grovyle.

 The Convergence of the Groups:

As I said earlier, despite the bluffing that Seis managed to pull off in regards to his actual competency level, he and his brother still managed things fairly well and eventually grew strong enough that they didn’t have to be in panic mode all the time, and could actually chill out and take things a bit slower. He was also able to reflect on things a bit more and decide that the Little Imp probably really was just that kind and genuine, and he probably owed her some sort of debt—or at least a more genuine thank-you. He came to the decision in part because Seis kept asking him for stories about the strangers who helped him back then, since he was really out of it and has no recollection of the events. The two of them (though, mostly Seis, really) decide to try and find her again, working off vague clues that Seis half-remembers about her being important to someone with a high status, and the two of them utilize Seis’ acting skills to gather more information eventually come into contact with Dusknoir again. To their utter shock and joy, when they finally do find him, it also brings them back into contact with their childhood friends—who are quick to assimilate them into their group once more. The two of them actually meet up with the group first before coming into contact with their boss. Dusknoir does not recognize them as the duo he’d helped before given that Seis is acting completely different now—or, rather, he isn’t acting, for once—and he didn’t actually get a good measure of Trois given the whole “riddled with illness” thing he had going on the last time they met. Seis elects not to bring it up—because while he was swapping stories with his friends on the way to go ask if they could formally join the group, he learned that the Little Imp had since passed away. He was devastated, of course, since it meant he never got the chance to formally and fully thank her for the fact that his brother is still alive. But Dusknoir hasn’t gotten any less intimidating since the last time he saw him, and considering how close the two were, he’s a little afraid of mentioning her at all in fear of how he might react—that, and he doesn’t want to bring up any sad memories for his friends, since they were really close to her as well. So no one but Trois actually knows that the two of them met her as well, and since Trois can’t actually remember it, he isn’t quite as impacted on the personal level that the others are.

Seis had already planned to join up with his friends in their work for a lack of anything else better to do, plus the fact that it provided more support and stability, and Trois was of course going to follow his brother, but, privately, Seis also decided to join for the sake of Laura—as the Little Imp’s successor (in more ways than anyone other than Dialga and possibly Dusknoir realize at this time), Seis figures that the debt he has towards the Little Imp transfers over to her. …And he guesses he technically owes Dusknoir a debt to, and this does help to fulfill that one as well, but… honestly, it’s more for pragmatic reasons that he elects to stay on the guy’s good side since, again, he’s kind of terrifying. The better bonus to the situation would be that his friends like Laura, and he likes his friends, so helping her helps them as well.

Given his complicated feelings on the matter of the Little Imp, and the way he’s transferred them onto Laura, one might assume that a better way to repay that debt would be to actually help her in her quest directly—but at this point in time, the fact that she and Grovyle are trying to change the past is more of a side note to the fact that she just straight up ran away from home. No one really realizes yet that changing the past will lead to their nonexistence, so they’re more concerned with the fact that she’s constantly putting herself into dangerous situations—which is an undeniable truth, since… yeah, she is. And since he hasn’t spent any actual time with her, he and Trois don’t have the same conflicted feelings that some of the others might have in regards to the reasons why she’s doing what she’s doing. By the time that they figure out the ramifications for their existence if she and Grovyle manage to succeed in their plans… well, he still hasn’t spent quite enough time with her to feel as conflicted as, say, Dos does, but he is fond of her for her own merits—rather than simply for that tenuous sense of obligation carrying over from the Little Imp—and has silently decided that he’s going to try and get to know her better/cheer her up and be as good of a friend as she’ll let him be once she’s captured for good. Or, at the very least, he’s going to make sure that she’s as physically protected as she can possibly be, since he can’t see her being too happy with the actual outcome of getting captured.

 That’s the basic backstory (though their ages are prone to flux as I pinpoint down exact dates and things, and how old they all feel in canon compared to how old it would reasonably make sense for them to be able to do things while still being able to keep close enough to Laura’s young age that it wouldn’t be weird for her to think of them and Grovyle as friends/older brothers)—but I do want to get into one last thing before signing off. Namely, how the sableye all got their names. Two of these stories have already been posted, but I’m not sure if I’ll end up doing specific ones for the rest, so I’ll just go ahead and list them here, in the order they were named.

1.      Dos: Laura gave him a name after the two of them bonded over painting when he was guarding her cell. She did it for a silly reason, and almost on an impulse, really, after she realized that the two of them had painted portraits of each other—meaning that there were now “two” of them, although she only pointed out her own painting in that explanation. There’s no real reason she decided to give him the Spanish translation of the number, aside from maybe her thinking that since it was in a different language than either of them typically spoke, it would sound more like a name. And “Dos” was less confusing for her to spell out than “Deux.”

2.      Cinq: She named him in guilt, after he got extremely injured picking her a bouquet of five flowers. Again… she thought that the foreign language sounded more like a name than the English/pokémon equivalent translation (which is still technically English, but no one realizes/calls it that since their written language has, for some reason, evolved way beyond that to become pretty much unrecognizable. Is that how linguistics actually work? Probably not, but that’s what I’m going with). She chose French this time because, for whatever reason, she just thought that “Cinq” sounded more elegant/better than “Cinco” for a name.

3.      Un: Named because he was the first pokémon she ever saw, as he (along with Cinq) was one of the ones who came with Dusknoir to kidnap her from Earth. Since she’d already given two of the sableye names at this point, she just decided to go ahead and do the others as well—though she hadn’t realized that she was establishing a theme of numbers. They just sort of… happened, because they fit the situations she was naming them for. As with Cinq, she chose the French version because she just thought it sounded better in this instance.

4.      Cuatro: He was the last one she gave a name while she was still in Dusknoir/Dialga’s custody, and he was was so named because he would typically greet her with four questions/fun facts whenever they saw each other, given his curious nature. This time, the Spanish version of the word sounded better. She still had not yet realized she’d locked herself into the number theme.

5.      Trois: The first time she met him (which was when he joined the others in trying to chase her down and capture her) he called her “Laura.” Just “Laura,” no honorifics—and he was only the third pokémon to ever do that (with the first being Dusknoir and the second Grovyle). Since practically no one ever used just her name—even Grovyle tended to call her “Partner” most of the time—this pleased her immensely. Of course, the other sableye were horrified by this, and quickly corrected him on the matter—the next time the group caught up with her and Grovyle, he was calling her “Miss Laura,” to her great displeasure. But she’d already given him a name, so she couldn’t change it now. She elected for “Trois” rather than “Tres” because ‘Tres” sounds like “Trace” when spoken aloud, and she wanted to highlight the “three” aspect in her naming reasoning.

6.      Seis: His is probably the most boring reason/story. She had finally by this point recognized the theme she’d inadvertently given the rest of the sableye (or had it pointed out to her by one of her friends), and felt compelled to continue with it. He’s named Seis because it means “Six,” she didn’t want to repeat a number, and the others alternated in language so next up was Spanish. If any other sableye joined up after him, they would have been named Sept to follow the theme and pattern. Seis takes it all in good humor—and probably figured out the reasoning behind his name without having to be told—though he can get a little annoyed when the others—especially Trois—tease him over it. And Trois likes to do it a lot, since he’s an annoying younger brother and revels in the fact that not only was he named first, despite being younger, but his name actually has a cool story behind it.

[texanredrose]

Dear Diary - July

July 4th- Dear Diary, Father called today. He tried weaseling around the terms of our agreement but I held firm. I know quite well that he doesn’t approve of the fact I’m attending the gala with a date he hasn’t personally vetted but he doesn’t get to have a say in who I include in my life anymore. In the back of my mind, I’m also highly aware he would object to everything about Blake, strictly for his own poor opinions and not because Blake is anything but a stellar individual and a sweet, heartfelt soul. Ultimately, it was foolish of me to talk her into attending the gala without first ensuring she understood the... full situation. The world I knew growing up was so enclosed that the realities of the world at large have yet to truly trickle in, old grudges and outdated views holding firm when they have no good reasons to cling to them except out of vain pride. I’ve made mention of severing ties with Father, but I never told anyone aside from Winter the details. Blake and I are supposed to go for a jog tomorrow morning; I will address it then. I tried calling her but the words caught in my throat and I...

I realize- not for the first time- that Blake is a better friend than I truly deserve. She picked up on my sour mood and turned the conversation away from my family and the gala entirely, pulled me into a discussion about a show I’ve never even heard of but now am interested in seeing. She’s made a claim that I can’t possibly see working in even the most abstract fictional sense and started discourse over the whole debacle, so now I feel compelled to witness for myself to see if my mind changes. We’re having a little watch party at her place on Friday- provided our conversation tomorrow goes well, I suppose- and the reprieve was nice. But I can’t help feeling like going to the gala- although an event I am required to attend- is a huge mistake.

Winter understands- perhaps better than Blake or Ruby ever could. She’s been separated from that world for longer but she knows what’s to come. Everyone will ask about her service, about why it ended, and she won’t lie- we’ve spent far too much of our lives lying to everyone and ourselves. She’ll square her shoulders and tell nothing but the truth with clear pride and from that moment on, everything will be different. From the moment Penny’s brought up, Winter will go from respectable former service member to an irresponsible single mother in their eyes- because staying in a loveless marriage where both of you cheat on the other like most people drink water is somehow the morally righteous avenue in comparison. And that she’s adopted? The circumstances around that adoption? Perish the thought of caring for another person out of something other than blood compelled obligation or financial opportunity. It makes my blood boil.

Even as I’m writing this, Blake’s checking up on me via text. Ruby, too, though she seemed busier nowadays. I know she’s been spending more time with Penny and I’m glad my niece- which... I suppose I haven’t been thinking of her as such until recently, but that is the proper familial relation- is becoming friends with my best friend. It’s... strange, in a way, because even though it’s only Winter and I now as blood relatives... I feel as if I have a bigger, more supportive family now than at any other point in my life.

I know I started this diary with the express intention of chronicling my exasperation with Winter and Yang but... it does feel nice to write the words ‘I feel very loved right now’ in my own handwriting and know that I fully mean them. 

And now Yang’s texting me. I guess Blake enlisted everyone’s assistance to cheer me up. I wonder what her response would be if I jokingly referred to her as my future sister-in-law. Jokes of that nature are typically her domain but... well, maybe it takes speaking in a language she understands to get her to notice Winter’s advances.

Regardless, it’s just occurred to me that I do have quite an extensive support network and I should set up contingencies. In the event Blake still wants to attend the gala with me, I should have a back-up plan; I think I’ll reach out to Pyrrha, see if she’s free that evening and could stay in the area if a hasty exit is required. Winter and I may be mandated to remain at the event but, if either Blake or Yang begin feeling uncomfortable- I don’t see the latter missing out on anything falling within the classical definition of a ‘party’ but Winter seems adamant- they can leave at any time they wish.

I already envy them that freedom.

July 5th- Dear Diary, Again, I find myself a bit amazed. Blake possesses a very intricate understanding of the worst case scenario and she seemed rather blasé about the whole thing. I don’t believe for a second she’s that confident in facing those stuffy morons at the gala- I can see in her eyes how she wants to balk and run- but she’s going to try and I’ll always admire her courage to try when every instinct screams at her otherwise. Also, our jog went a bit... longer than either of us expected; we both forgot the initial limit we’d set and just... kept running. Our conversation took so many turns- I actually find myself looking forward to the possibility that someone might incense her enough to pull a passionate rant from her mid gala. It would be glorious to witness and being able to say she’s my date to all the stupefied morons? Priceless.

Also, my conversation with Yang last night drew on a bit longer and I... was reminded of a few things. I sometimes forget that she plays her cards so close to the vest, to use a phrase, and hides her turmoil behind a mask of support. I suppose effectively raising Ruby on her own had some bearing on the way she always seems to keep her troubles to herself rather than ‘burden’ her friends with such thoughts, but that’s what we’re here for, damnit, and I’ll not stand idly by when something is bothering my friend and potential future sister-in-law.

After a lot of work, I managed to ferret the issue out of her. It seems she’s a bit intimidated about the gala. While she’s promised to dial back her puns and brash demeanor, she worries she’ll embarrass either myself or Winter, and while her heart’s in the right place, neither of us are worried about such. I tried to assure her of that but I’m quite certain my words fell on deaf ears; I forget, also, that she’s not as confident in herself as many believe. A cocky strut and a large smile can fool many but her vulnerabilities are there, if one looks close enough. On the upside, it provided a perfect opportunity to provide her Winter’s number, if only so she could see for herself that Winter has utmost confidence in her. That seemed to lift her spirits but, as of yet, she hasn’t reached out to Winter.

I swear, these two will be the death of me.

July 9th- Dear Diary, I spoke to Pyrrha and it turns out she and Nora have plans the night of the gala to see a movie. The theatre isn’t too far from the museum, so they’ll be in the area and happy to provide their assistance. Well, I’m not so sure about the ‘happy’ part; Nora didn’t seem entirely enthused but Pyrrha managed to talk her into it. Not sure what’s going on with those two but they’ve certainly been hanging around each other more often as of late. Probably a good thing; Pyrrha could use a little of Nora’s effortless ability to relax and just be goofy while Nora could certainly use a lesson or two in conducting herself according to... well, common decency. I swear, half the time, I think she purposefully ignores well established etiquette just to see how many people she can rile up, but she means well. I think.

At any rate, this secures Yang and Blake a back-up plan in the event things go south. Another round of assurances have occurred in the past day, going every which way- and I mean that literally. 

Winter has talked to me, promised to intervene if Father gets up to his usual tricks, which he no doubt will, and I assured her that I’d rather he do his best to tear us both down rather than just one of us suffer the consequences. I think it helps ease her mind that I’m willing to stand beside her, knowing quite well the hell we’re going to be walking into, but we both broke free of that world. If we must return, it won’t be alone. Funny, to think there was a time I envied her so greatly, I refused to talk to her. I suppose children aren’t the best equipped to handle the figurative minefields we navigated in our youth. It’s nice to think that she’s on my side, firmly; that we have each other’s backs. I think... I think one of these days, I should apologize for holding so much against her without saying a word...

Anyway, after ensuring that we were on the same page, we then had to deal with Yang and Blake. I’m not sure which of us had it harder, to be frank. I opted to try again explaining to Blake the sort of environment she’ll be walking into... it brought a considerable amount of shame to my heart to admit how awful these people are, and how I aspired to be exactly like them at one point in my life. Although I never said as much, I think she might’ve picked up on my fears that I’m truly no better, and she... well, did her usual Blake thing and offered for us to show up at the gala and then immediately run away, find a nice ice cream parlour, and settle down for a treat. While I’m not sure if her advocacy for avoiding the whole thing came from jest or seriousness, it made me laugh, because I honestly think it would be a much better way to spend an evening. Ice cream with a dear friend beats sitting in my apartment watching reruns and doing paperwork, anyway, and I do so enjoy her company. Alas, that seemed to be the extent of her concern regarding the events, and she’s steadfast in her courage to handle the whole ordeal with that quiet little smile of hers. I’ve recently begun to think how lucky I am to have such wonderful friends, and Blake comes in very high on that list.

However, by bringing it up again, it seems I unintentionally gave Blake the idea that I might want to take someone else instead. Preposterous, mind- no one else can read Yang half as well, aside from Ruby, and I’ll not be bringing that miniature tornado anywhere near these morons for fear she’ll either become embarrassed or challenged, neither of which would end well for all parties involved- and it took a fair amount of time to convince her otherwise. Truthfully, I can’t imagine bringing anyone else with me, not only to keep an eye on Winter and Yang but because I don’t think I’d want to have anyone else at my side when the vultures begin to circle. Blake’s seen... well ‘my worst’ is a bit misleading, since I’d like to think I’d grown a bit by the time we met, but certainly not my best. She’s seen the ugly side, the part I’m still trying to weed out from my soul, and knowing that I’m walking back into the garden where it grows wild- again I find myself questioning if this is the right decision to make. But that’s what the back-up plan is for, I must remember that. I’m a Schnee and I plan for every eventuality.

Anyway, setting aside the myriad of thoughts pinging around my head regarding this ridiculous gala, there’s what little I’ve gleaned about the communications between Yang and Winter, from the four most reliable sources.

From Winter’s perspective, she’s done everything she can to assure Yang that her presence is not only wanted but welcomed, and that anyone who makes her feel otherwise will be ‘dealt with’- a fine, empty threat at first, but there are times when I see a look come into Winter’s eyes I haven’t seen since her days in the military, and I’m not so sure ‘empty’ is the proper word. Of course she wouldn’t hold it against Yang if she didn’t want to go- really, neither of us could- but welcomed the company, and supposedly she admitted that she’s looking forward to seeing Yang in her dress again. It's both strange and fascinating to watch how quickly those jagged, rough edges from our childhood and beyond are melted away when Winter talks about Yang. I think 'smitten' is putting it lightly; I don't doubt Winter would fight the whole Atlesian army with one arm behind her back if Yang asked her to, and she'd do it with a smile. It's actually adorable and I never thought that would be an apt description for my little sister.

From Yang's take, I'm beginning to think this attraction goes much deeper for her. Not to say Winter's interest is purely superficial but it suddenly occurred to me that Yang never really showed much hesitation entering romantic relationships before or flirting with whoever caught her eye. She's dated before- and run the gambit as far as potential partners go- but the prospect of asking someone out or being asked out always seemed like no big deal. It might happen, it might not, but she didn't seem to concern herself with the outcome a great deal. Now, though? I swear, it's like she's worried the world might end if she makes the wrong move. Suddenly, every little thing she does matters, and it's stressing her out. On the one hand, I worry for my friend's health; it can't be good for her to continue worrying about how things might go. On the other... I'm a bit relieved she's taking this so seriously. Winter's rarely, if ever, spoken to me about her romantic leanings, seeing as the intimate nature of the conversation calls for... well, a closer relationship than we'd had for a few years. Now that we're actually talking about these little details, I can tell how serious she is about pursuing Yang, and knowing that an equal amount of care and consideration is being taken the other way around comforts me. However, Yang's sudden obtuseness and refusal to believe what's clear, plain as day in front of her face is vexing to the utmost degree.

Ruby's helped shed light on that. Apparently, I'm not in possession of all the facts regarding the sisters' upbringing. After Ruby's mother passed and Yang took over Ruby's care, their father shut down. I'd gleaned as much from their comments regarding their home life but I'd perhaps misjudged the duration; it seems quite clear that their father is still very upset over Yang's mother leaving him, as if he never truly healed from that loss even after all these years. In the back of their minds, the sisters have always wondered about the relationship between their father and Ruby's mother- if it was genuine love or merely a terrible coping mechanism- and that has made both of them reluctant to pursue anything serious in the romance department. It might be a fear of turning out like her mother holding Yang back or perhaps even taking after her father and falling into a deep depression if the relationship were to fail. Ruby's convinced it's just a phase, that Yang just needs a little more time before she'll come to the obvious conclusion that, yes, she likes Winter just as much as Winter likes her and they should give dating a chance.

The final bit of the puzzle is Penny, surprisingly enough. We talked a bit when I drove her over to Ruby's apartment, and she was very open and honest about how Winter's been acting when she thinks no one is looking. Penny hasn't expressed concern, per se, but she's noted that Winter will sometimes be caught up in her own thoughts, humming the tune to some high tempo song, though she usually frowns when she notices that's what she's doing, and often appears contemplative before resuming her humming. When I asked her what sort of songs Winter hums, she informed me rather bluntly that they're the kind Yang listens to- driving rock ballads with brash vocals. I'm not entirely sure what Winter does and doesn't tell Penny, so I opted to leave it at a comment on how I didn't think her musical tastes tended that way. At which point, Penny rather bluntly informed me that Winter had started listening to that sort of music because Yang did, and that probably had something to do with why she would frown from time to time about it; it probably made her think of Yang and miss her, because they don't spend nearly as much time together as Penny spends with Ruby or I spend with Blake.

Ultimately, the only logical conclusion I can draw is that I need to engineer more opportunities for Winter and Yang to interact, to help both of them get over themselves. Hopefully, with the gala just two short weeks away, I can provide plenty of excuses for just that. I'm sure they can sort through their respective issues together, in time. Absolutely.

July 10th- Dear Diary, I've orchestrated two more small gatherings. My intent is to have Blake assist me in providing Winter and Yang with plenty of one-on-one time. We'll see how it goes. Here's hoping for the best!

7 - 12

I. I gotta write this down. Fifty years from now, when I’m old and grey and can’t remember my name, I want to remember THIS NIGHT. Holy shit. Where do I start?

So, Weiss called me up a couple days ago saying she wanted to have a “game night” with Blake, Winter, and me- which, for one, surprising she didn’t invite Ruby, but Rubes is hanging with Penny so I GUESS I understand it, but even so- and I was like, sure, I’m game (I’m hilarious). Well, we get there tonight, and wouldn’t you know it, little Miss Frosty thought it would be a good idea to bust out Remnant: The Game. I INTRODUCED HER to this thing and she thinks she can beat me? AND she doesn’t bother inviting Ruby, the only person to give me hell over the years? Oh, it’s ON.

But it goes way beyond that. Because GUESS WHO starts off the night by mentioning how we’re all tragically at a disadvantage? Winter. Because of course the woman who served time in the military things she’d got the chops to play against ME.

So now I’ve already got my list of priority targets and a plan: put Blake between me and Winter, let them duke it out while I eliminate Weiss (safest bet since she always charges into a battle and never reinforces her back line) and then sweep Blake away in time to DESTROY Winter. It’s a matter of pride at this point; I ain’t gonna make it easy for her to use whatever tactical insight she might have over me to her advantage! I’ll go toe-to-toe with her at the end but I’m not about to get knocked down early!

The first few turns go exactly like I expect. Blake picks Menagerie (which, by the way, props to Weiss for getting the expansion, I really wish they’d include Menagerie in the base game) and Weiss goes for Mantle. I’ve got Vale and Winter picks Mistral- and I gotta ask her at some point to tell me some stories from there. She talks about it pretty fondly and soldiers get up to all sorts of mischief I can only dream of; she’s gotta have a few good ones. Anyway, I leave just enough of a weak point that Blake can’t resist cutting me off from Menagerie, but it also puts her squarely between me and Winter, so check THAT box. Meanwhile, I poked Weiss over in Mantle and she’s ready to make me pay. I’ve got enough good cards from my first few hands, so I’m building up my defenses in preparation for my strike.

And then Winter, this beautiful, wonderful, ridiculous woman sees RIGHT THROUGH ME and back doors her way into Vacuo, decimating the NPC defenses to establish a stronghold, completely letting Blake control the trade routes.

So, at this point, I’m impressed! But it takes more than that to beat YANG XIAO LONG at her own game!

The next few turns are pretty standard- except, like, Blake and Weiss started... HARDCORE FLIRTING. I’m not even kidding; I never thought I’d see ONE person I could describe as “thirsty as fuck but classy about it” much less TWO, but here I am, sitting front row to the “Weiss and Blake need to get a room wow” show. Winter didn’t seem to notice but, hey, I got EYES for this sort of stuff, I know when my friends are pining, and I sure AS HELL know when they REALLY want to make the first move but they’re too chicken shit. I decided to let them keep flirting; honestly, as long as they’re preoccupied with each other, they’re not giving me ABSOLUTE HELL which is pretty necessary after a few bad hands and a shit dice roll. Luckily, I’ve adjusted my defenses, so I’m ready if Winter strikes, but I think I’ll have to do the pragmatic thing and take Weiss out first. Between the two of them, Weiss is more likely to help her sis out even in a game, and I can’t fight a war on two fronts and succeed at this stage.

Then comes the moment of truth; I’ve just duked it out with Blake and we’re both weak, weak enough that Weiss COULD over extend and nearly wipe one of us from the board, and it’s an opportunity she’s NEVER passed up before. I’m ready to start cursing when Weiss goes AND ROUTS BLAKE! Like, it was BRUTAL! She ran herself thread bare just trying to reach the furthest spot BUT SHE DID IT. In one turn, Blake’s lost every territory she had, and she’s out of the game. 

But then it’s MY turn, and I hit on the three cards I needed, and Weiss spread herself WAY too thin. I’m in awe at my luck. I proceeded to absolutely STEAMROLL Weiss off the map, eliminating TWO PLAYERS in ONE TURN. Like. I’ve been playing this game FOR YEARS and I’ve never seen that!

So now it’s down to me and Winter. I honestly lost track of where Blake and Weiss went after that turn; they might’ve gone to the living room or something, I don’t know, because I am FOCUSED. Winter’s got a solid hold on Mistral and Vacuo, but I’ve got Menagerie, Mantle, AND Vale. Downside: I’m stretched thin. Not thin enough for me to be worried, but I know I’ll need to commit to a front. Winter’s pretty strong, all things considered, and I can’t bank on my perks to carry the game; I know I’ve only got two turns max before Winter’s gonna to cut through my lines like a hot knife through butter and wreck all my perks AND my supply lines.

And that was when I saw it. A side of Winter I hadn’t seen before. I got to see SOLDIER Winter, OFFICER Winter, the woman who’d held lives in her hands and made the tough calls and had to find a way to sleep at night with them.

Let me just say: I’ve never seen anything hotter. The pure focus, the grim determination, just how serious she was taking it- I might know that this is just a board game but I could see in her eyes that the miniatures on the board represented more than just plastic to her. For all the strength in her posture as she looked down at the game, I could see the cracks. Winter had only attacked the NPCs in Vacuo, which are almost impossible to NOT beat; now she’d be facing off against me, and it would be harder to come out of the fights without casualties.

And- she was RELUCTANT. Beneath the confidence and pride, there was a vulnerability. She didn’t want to lose, yeah, but more than that she didn’t want to lose her troops. Winter...  she CARED. About the little plastic figures, she really did, and when I pointed out as much, she brushed it off, but I could still see it. The way she picked up the dice like they were toxic and how she steeled her nerves.

When she looked at me right then, I was SO FUCKING GLAD I was sitting down because HOLY SHIT my knees went weak. This is a woman with cold fire in her veins, at once not wanting to burn but ready to incinerate, ready to do what she must but also obviously wishing she had another option. 

And suddenly, I GOT IT. Like, it all made sense- how she’d had a rough relationship with Weiss when they were younger, how the military helped her see the error of her ways, her attempts to reconnect with Weiss- everything about Winter clicked into place at that moment. She’s always seen herself as someone who wanted to do something, something more, but couldn’t find a way to accomplish it. So instead, she became devastatingly good at the things she NEVER WANTED TO DO. And now she’s at a point where she CAN go those other routes but SHE DOESN’T KNOW HOW! But she’s tryin anyway, and that- I can’t even think of the words but it just, it gets me? Like, deep in my soul, I just resonate with that so much, with that burning desire to try even when you don’t know, to stumble through, but I at least am willing to fall flat on my face. Winter isn’t, at least not yet, but I think she just needs someone to show her it’s okay to stumble. Someone’s gonna be there to catch you.

So before we really got into it, I pointed out that it was really late and I have work early in the morning- which, for the record, isn’t a lie! I do have the early shift tomorrow! Then I suggested we call it a draw.

I’ve never seen anyone agree with me so quickly. Or look so relieved. I don’t think we should play Remnant: The Game again anytime soon; it’s obviously still too soon for Winter to be really entertaining stuff like that. But, damn, for what I saw tonight?

If I wasn’t already crushing so hard, I’d be worried my poor little heart would give out on me. There’s so many layers to her and every little peek just makes me want to see more! Weiss also invited us to a movie night later in the week; I’m dyin’ already to get to it!

I honestly didn’t think I could get this bad. And we’ve got that fancy party coming up! I wish I could bottle up this feeling and pull it out on rainy days. Nothing’s bringing me down any time soon!

20170715

I find myself motivated, putting pen to paper again, though for a much different reason than last time. I hope that looking back on my words might provide me with some sort of insight because, at present, I find myself too entirely possessed of a number of emotions to even begin processing them all.

Earlier this week, Weiss invited me to a game night, which seemed such a mundane and normal part of civilian life that I admittedly jumped at the opportunity. Little did I know, Yang would also be present, as well as Blake- the latter is a rather interesting character and seemed a touch intimidated when we spoke, though I’m not sure why. I’ll investigate more into that matter at a later point.

Anyway, throughout the game- a military strategy game; I should’ve expected such from my sister, rather than cards- I found myself consistently losing focus. I shouldn’t have chosen Mistral as a starting point. It made ascribing names to the figurines under my command far too easy, and with Terry’s recent transfer to Vacuo, I set myself up for a rather trying time. 

And I think... no, I’m sure Yang picked up on that. She’s perceptive- and clever, trying to set me up to take out Blake while she focused on Weiss, but that’s another matter- and she called an early end to the game before things got out of hand.

Now, I’m recently returned from a movie night among the same company and I’m... conflicted. It occurs to me that Yang is friendly, overtly so, and that her actions might just be those of a concerned acquaintance with perhaps a little first hand knowledge of the trials I face. But I find myself wanting to take them as something different, as a prospective partner trying to be supportive. It’s not fair to either of us, perhaps, but I can’t seem to stop myself from doing it.

I honestly can’t recall much of the movie. I’m sure Weiss meant well, opting for a storyline with action, but the military setting... it reminded me too much of the life I’ve left behind. The fact it was a “historical” representation of one of Atlas’ most famous battles also chaffed me raw; significant license was taken in many regards, and each inconsistency piled upon each other until I was fidgeting more than I was still.

But Yang noticed and put a hand on my arm, talked quietly so I had something else to focus on during the hard-to-watch scenes. She’s such an open and caring individual; I truly doubt I’ve ever done anything worthy of her presence in my life. Even as just a friend, I am more than grateful for her.

And I had the opportunity to repay the favor. I suppose I’m the only one she feels confident speaking with regarding her birth mother; she mentioned having a solid lead on a location for her again and a few of the reasons she can’t pursue it immediately. Although Blake seemed to be of a mind that she should leave the past alone, I encouraged her to seek her own closure. I even offered to accompany her.

I’m not entirely sure she’ll take me up on the offer but I believe I saw Yang’s eyes light up, shine in a manner that I’ve rarely seen. I assured her I would be able to get the time off from work with no trouble and that Penny can always stay with a friend while I’m gone.

I don’t know what possessed me to say all that, to make the offer in the first place- I’m not sure if I can actually get the time off or if I’d be comfortable leaving Penny alone. She’s improving by leaps and bounds since she met Ruby- and she’s apparently made new friends in a Pyrrha and Nora, who appear to be other friends of Ruby’s, and Weiss seems familiar enough to not be concerned- but I still feel confident I’d stand by the offer were she to take me up on it.

I’m a woman of meticulous planning. I calculated every step, even when unexpected obstacles appeared. My plans might’ve changed vastly in the past few years but that doesn’t mitigate the work I put into making those plans to begin with.

So how could I be moved to something so rash as a trip to the border? It would be at least a day’s journey by airship, perhaps warranting an overnight stay, and if Yang had said she was leaving tomorrow morning, I’d be packing a bag rather than writing all this out.

I fear that my feelings for Yang are getting the better of my judgment. More, I’m quite certain nothing ill will come of it, and for someone who sees the danger in everything, I’m aware enough to realize I may be making a grave mistake.

But this isn’t nearly as serious as I’m making it out to be, is it? Romantic entanglements, regardless of intensity or brevity, are ultimately a surmountable challenge, a wound that can heal with time if things go awry.

What I mean is: I think my affections for Yang may go deeper than I initially thought. And even if I’m destined for heartache... I think I’m okay with that.

I’m obviously not in my right mind. I’ll not be confessing my undying love anytime soon, of course.

But I will be packing an ‘A’ bag tonight. If Yang wants to go, I will support her, and I’ll be ready to support her if she opts to go alone.

More and more of my plans are involving Yang. So, too, do they involve Weiss and Penny.

Is this what it’s like to have a family?

July 19, 2017

This is just a post to say that I am extremely nervous Because it’s two days until the party and while Fire and Ice are dancing around each other even more than before, I’m also going with Princess, and she’s been unbearably sweet the last few weeks? I’m not even sure what’s going on anymore???

Even though she absolutely destroyed me in a board game last week. Like, absolutely wrecked me. But she wrecks me every time she smiles at me, so I guess it’s no surprise there!

Anyway, I might be scarce the next few days. Enjoy the queue in the meantime.

July 21st- Dear Diary, This is perhaps premature, but I’m about to finish my preparations for the gala. I’ve been texting Blake and it seems like she’s battling a last minute bout of nerves; she offered for us to run off to a movie theatre if I’d rather not have ice cream. I suppose that means our movie nights and little watch parties are rather enjoyable for her.

I hope tonight goes well. I think it’s rather apparent that Yang and Winter are getting closer; they seem to be confiding in each other more. Only a few more nudges and they’ll be together, I’m sure of it!

P.S. ... it’s too early to tell if this was a massive mistake or the best thing that could’ve happened. I think we all learned a lesson tonight... I also need to treat Blake to a dinner... and do something for Pyrrha and Nora...

Personally? I think I’m inclined to count tonight as a win regardless. But I should contact some lawyers just in case.

7 - 21

LET THE RECORD SHOW.

I FUCKED UP.

I REALLY FUCKED UP.

20170721

When I found Penny, I learned what the phrase ‘mother’s intuition’ truly meant.

When I finally reached out to Weiss, I learned what the phrase ‘unconditional love’ truly meant.

Today, I learned what the phrase ‘I am living’ meant, because there is no more apt a descriptor for this sensation.

I’m calling Yang first thing tomorrow morning. I’d hate for her to think I might be cross about the whole debacle. To be frank, I can’t stop smiling, even as I pen this. I will relish the look on Father’s face until my death bed, and even after.

And I need to thank Weiss for making this all possible. 

Right now, I’m going to drink a glass of wine to celebrate.

July 21, 2017

... I’m going to eventually make a longer post about tonight (yep, the party, just got back, though ‘escaped’ might be the better term) and you know... in my free time, I come up with as much fictional content as my fingers can produce... and if I’d read a description of tonight, I’d leave a comment about how the suspension of disbelief is a very real thing and the events portrayed completely destroyed it... but here I am, having seen with my own eyes... and I have to say...

... truth really is stranger than fiction.

July 22, 2017

Who wants the dirty details on last night? Check below the cut.

I just have to get this out. I swear, on all the fanfic I’ve ever produced, that what I’m about to describe actually happened. I know none of you are going to be inclined to believe it though. I’m still not sure I do.

So Princess’ party, the one where I was basically there to help babysit Ice and Fire. It was at this museum- because I guess that’s what the upper echelons of society think is cool, just milling around surrounded by ‘interesting’ things to make up for their emptiness; I might be a little bitter- but we arrived in grand style. Limousine, Princess escorting me while Ice escorted Fire, glasses of champagne and insincere inquiries into our health and such- if I believed for one second any of it was real, I might’ve been charmed. For all the boring small talk, standing beside Princess... I’m forced to admit there was a certain romantic quality to it.

Okay, before I go into the other stuff, allow me to gush first. Princess... I suppose it would be rather accurate to say I adopted the moniker for her at first to mock her. Then, it became something of a joke- a lighthearted tease. But last night, I swear, I am entirely sincere when I say she looked like a Princess. I could wax poetic about this for a while but I’ll try to tone my gay down a little. I dunno what it was but seeing her in such formal attire... the only regret I have is that she wore more makeup than usual. I’m not against a little foundation of course- and I... probably go a little overboard on the eyeliner and eye shadow- but it covered up her scar. Honestly, I think that is the one thing that encouraged me to get to know her, above all else; it hinted at something much deeper than what I took at face value. Aside from that, she just... carried herself differently. Regally, almost. I’ll admit, I prefer when she’s relaxed and casual- as much as she gets, anyway- but... I definitely see the appeal of her more formal posture. And, yes, for all those who asked: we did get to dance and I didn’t fall flat on my face. I mean, we spent most of it talking about Ice and Fire but... I noticed she danced much closer to me than Fire did when she was teaching me. And she felt so comfortable with me, like she was really enjoying it. That part? I couldn’t write something that magical.

Anyway, about an hour in, everyone’s moved past the polite part and the gossip machine is starting up. I think the whole cataclysm of events started with someone making a snide remark to Ice about her somewhat recent adoption of a child she’d found (I’ll admit I don’t have all the details but from what I understand it was an important turning point in Ice’s life that steered her back towards Princess and repairing their relationship as sisters) and that got Fire going. I may complain about her propensity to make puns and lewd jokes, but there’s this other side to it that people don’t really acknowledge much. You have to be extremely well versed in conversation and language to not only make those sort of jokes but to steer others into creating opportunities for you to do so; the people who best utilize it are also the ones who tend to make more puns and innuendos than any other, because they’re constantly aware of what’s being said and what lies beneath what’s being said. (A skill I am woefully lacking in, despite what you all might think; I’m certain there’s a sex joke in there that I can quite articulate but Fire certainly could. Without blushing.) With an opening created- and something of a single mother herself, considering her family- Fire went off in the classiest way, with the sweetest smile and keeping a tight lid on her anger. At first, at least.

And then Princess’ father decided to join the conversation. I’ll have tea with the devil before I subject myself to his company again. Honestly, after meeting him myself, it’s an absolute wonder anyone connected to him could have a scrap of a soul, with as black as his is. I’m just going to refer to him as Douchebag McMustache for the rest of this- I don’t really care about how long that is; the accuracy is more important to me. (And I did say it to his face, so it’s not like I’m being duplicitous.)

After Douchebag McMustache butts in, things start getting tense. Princess and Ice are cold towards him- and I mean below absolute zero. I’ve never seen either of them just... wall themselves off like that. It was terrifying, if I’m honest, because it didn’t sound the least bit like they weren’t used to it. I’m fairly certain that’s how they must’ve been for most of their lives, to everyone. Just... cold, biting, and bitter. Icebergs lingering in the dark, adrift at sea.

By that point, I... well, I was getting mad. Every word, every movement he made, all he did was cut down their accomplishments and make light of their triumphs. And all these mindless, rich, stuck up assholes just chortled right along with him, encouraging him even more to continue dragging them through the mud. I think it was when he pointed out Princess’ scar, how it must be so difficult for her to find a ‘respectable date’ given such a ‘horrific deformity’ that I snapped.

So, I did what any sane person would do in that situation. Douchebag McMustache is the CEO of a large corporation. I proceeded to list off every setback, every public affairs disaster, every little shred of doubt that might make an investor a bit nervous. And then I used his own words about me against him. He’s a racist bastard- that much I’d already known- but he decided to go the standard route of implying I must be of subpar intelligence purely because of the ears on my head. So, obviously, if someone as dumb as me can see how terribly the company is being managed, how their profits will be taking a sharp dive soon, how his ability to contain situations is severely lacking, then it’s bound to be known by the public, and then I proceeded to cite every single article and report to back up everything I’d said. I did my research before walking into that lion’s den; it took a few all nighters, but I have more than enough shade to throw on anyone who might’ve tried trading verbal barbs with me. When he accused me of trying to undermine the trust others might have in him, I admitted that I intended nothing of the sort. I just wouldn’t want to have any of my money tied up with him when those stock prices start falling, is all.

Because that’s how you get the attention of people like this. Physical harm, emotional scaring, environmental concerns- that doesn’t shake them, but mention how that pocketbook of theirs might suffer? Now you’ve got them by the balls.

I expected to get a few snide comments, some side looks, and maybe even a threat or two. I was ready for that. I don’t think Princess was- my reaction, at least, if nothing else- but... maybe it’s my optimism talking, but I swear, I think Weiss absolutely supported every word that came out of my mouth. You should’ve seen the way she looked at me then; it was more than gratitude it was... almost admiration? Perhaps something softer? The part of me that just wants to tell her that I might be falling in love with her wants to say that it was adoration and pride, but I think that’s reaching a bit too far.

Anyway, the moment it became obvious that the other guests were discreetly checking the articles themselves- and maybe even making arrangements to sell off their stocks- is when things really got out of hand. Douchebag McMustache doesn’t have the same calm, cold, steely resolve as his daughters; he got angry, and he said something absolutely disgusting that I won’t repeat. The basic gist: not only did he grievously insult his daughters, and their mother, but every woman out there, so add ‘misogynist’ to the list of ‘reasons this man is an absolute asshole’.

Now, one thing you must understand about Fire: she’s an extremely intelligent woman. She hides it sometimes beneath jokes and charm, but she’s keen. However, when it comes to almost anything, she’s more prone to acting on instinct and using her strength to her advantage.

So she absolutely walked straight up to Douchebag McMustache and said something to him- it was so low, not even I could pick it up. Whatever it was, it prompted him to take a swing at her.

And that was when he fucked up.

She decked him. Straight to the face, didn’t hold anything back, absolutely decked him. I heard the nose crunch and everything, watched him go flying back.

I’d like to say we stayed there and turned the whole party into a brawl. I’d really like to say that. But Ice immediately reacted, rushed over to Fire and told her to grab me and get the hell out of there. Which we did, because Princess is nothing less than thorough; she’d had an escape plan in place since the beginning. 

After we got picked up and whisked away, Fire... well... I think it hit her pretty hard that she just laid out the father of her crush. Don’t get me wrong! I really didn’t think Ice was upset with her over it last night, told her as much, and she called this morning to confirm as much! But, ya know. I’ve mentioned Fire’s always been concerned about having an anger management problem and things like this make her worried that she’s, I dunno, turning into some red eyed rage monster or something. 

I haven’t talked to Princess yet. I figure she’s going to be way too concerned about Ice and Fire to really

Well, speak of the devil. She’s calling me now. I’ll give all of you an update at some point.

July 22, 2017

I said I’d give you an update and here it is, fresh off the presses: I am very gay.

That is all. Stay tuned for more of me flailing while trying not to crush on my friend.

[jamieclawhorn]

Thinking of opening a Cash ISA? Read this first

The Cash ISA is one of the most popular savings products in the UK. Indeed, according to statistics from HMRC, at the end of the 2017/2018 financial year, Britons had nearly £270bn saved in them. 

But is it the best type of financial product to open if you’re looking to build up your wealth? Possibly not. Here’s a closer look at some of the advantages and disadvantages of saving in one.

Advantages

The main advantage of saving in a Cash ISA is that any income you generate on your savings is tax-free. That’s no doubt a big benefit. Whenever you’re given the opportunity in life to shelter income from the taxman legally (which is not often), you should definitely take it. Currently, you can put up to £20,000 per year into a Cash ISA. So if you have spare cash to save, you could potentially build up a large pot of money in which the interest generated is not subject to tax.

Another key feature is that they offer high levels of security. Unlike shares or property, savings within a Cash ISA are not going to fluctuate in value. Furthermore, your savings are protected by the Financial Services Compensation Scheme (FSCS), assuming your ISA provider is UK-regulated. In the event that your ISA provider collapsed or went bankrupt, the FSCS would provide cover of £85,000 per person per financial institution. So, Cash ISAs are essentially risk-free investments. 

Also, Cash ISAs are generally quite flexible. If you need to pull your money out of your ISA you can, although this will affect your ISA allowance.

So, overall, they offer flexibility, security, and tax-efficiency. Sounds good, right?

Disadvantages

Hold on – cash ISAs also have a number of disadvantages. One key drawback is that you can only invest in cash savings products such as easy-access savings accounts, or fixed-rate savings accounts. And the interest rates on these kinds of products are very low. According to Moneyfacts, the average easy-access cash ISA rate is currently 1.29%. While that is the highest average rate since 2016, it’s still abysmal. For example, savings of £10,000 would earn you interest of just £129 per year. Is that going to make you wealthy? While you can pick up higher rates if you’re willing to lock your money away for a certain length of time, you then lose flexibility.

Another issue to consider is that the returns from cash ISAs are likely to be less than inflation, meaning any money in them is actually losing value in real-world terms. Inflation refers to the price rises of goods and services over time. You don’t notice it on a day-to-day basis, but over the long run, it can erode your spending power significantly. In August, inflation in the UK was registered at 2.7%, meaning that if your money is sitting in a cash ISA earning 1.29%, it’s actually losing value.

So, while the cash ISA does have benefits and could be useful for those saving for short-term goals, it’s not a great product for building long-term wealth, as the interest rates offered are too low. If you’re serious about making your money work for you, there are better options, such as a stocks and shares ISA or the Lifetime ISA, which offer access to a broad range of higher-growth investments.

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More reading

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4 ways to boost your savings this year

A week on, and what did we learn from the FTSE 100 slump?