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5-falsehoods-phonated · 4 years

Text

Mindful Confrontation

Written as a request from @heavy-metal-papillon who not only supplied the requested plot but creatively reconstructed the song Confrontation from Jeckyll and Hyde to fit the context of the story. This was a lot of fun to write, thank you for requesting it! I hope it fits what you had in mind.

Summary: Thomas' friends convince him to check out a new karaoke bar and encourage him to perform. Technical difficulties make improv imperative for the show to go on but can singing really settle the warring landscape?

Warnings: anxiety induced spiraling thoughts, if there are more please let me know

Ships: none

WC: 2, 389

The bar is loud as Thomas makes his way to an empty booth lead expertly by Joan and Talyn. Nerves twisted in his gut as he took in how large it actually was on the inside, the stage set up for karaoke sitting front and center with the tables placed strategically so no ones view would be blocked. He took a deep breath as he settled himself on the cushioned bench, reminding himself that he needed this.

It had been Joan's idea initially, taking him to a karaoke bar to loosen up after the stress they'd both been under lately. Supposedly they served good food and the regular performers were worth the watch.

"Sing if you want." Joan had said. "Everyones really nice and would love to hear someone new onstage."

Thomas glanced at them now, happily skimming through the menu and pointing things out to Talyn who nodded along as best they could over the noise. It seemed like the performing wouldnt be starting for a while yet...which reminded him...

"I'm gonna go sign up, be back in a minute." Joan looked up and smiled, they and their date mate giving enthusiastic thumbs up. Turning with a grin, Thomas straightened his shirt and made his way over to the side stage where a small line had already started forming.

-------

In the mindscape, Janus sat on the couch a little ways away from a pouting Roman, watching Virgil fidget endlessly with the sleeves of his hoodie and wear a literal hole in the floor with his pacing. Being in someone's head was an odd thing at times.

"You can't possibly expect us to do this! Theres so many people we dont know hear!"

"Wouldn't that be beneficial to us? There's a good chance this is the first and last time wed see any of them." Janus replied smoothly.

Ignoring him, Virgil continued on. "What if Thomas's voice cracks? What if the song glitches and he's left singing with no music and then it picks up and it'll be out of sync and he freezes because it's confusing and everyone laughs? What if we don't know the lyrics as well as we thought we did and the screen cuts out and we forget the song and everyone laughs? What if we try to move around and trip because the stage is unfamiliar and we fall off and break our neck and the last thing we ever did was sing a shitty song at a shitty bar and-"

"Everyone laughs?" Janus finished dryly.

"Why would someone laugh at our death? What are you trying to say you vile vindictive villain?!" Roman leapt from the couch making Virgil flinch as a samurai sword appeared in his hand to point at the deceitful side.

"Vindictive? The only revenge I'm seeking today is on whoever decided the shirt Thomas is wearing should be seen in public after having worn it two days in a row already."

"We were in a hurry and he barely wore it in those two days since he spent most of them sleeping! It's fine!"

"We already wore the shirt?! What if people can tell it hasn't been washed? What if someone sees the wrinkles and decides we're an unclean slob? What if-"

"Virgil! Breathe please." At the reminder Virgil began his standard breathing exercise as Janus poked the tip of the sword still pointing at his face and lowered it to a non threatening level. "And Roman, do keep waving around a dangerous weapon it totally isn't making Virgil's anxiety worse."

Grumbling Roman snapped the sword back out of existence and plopped back down on the couch. Sighing Janus tuned back into what Thomas was doing just as he was looking through the song list. A song leapt out at him almost immediately, making Janus send the suggestion quietly to their manifestor for consideration, smiling as it was chosen and they began walking back towards the booth.

"I believe you'll like the choice in song Roman. Perhaps you can vent a bit."

Raising an eyebrow Roman quickly concentrated to bring himself up to speed on what had transpired while he was sulking.

"A little on the nose isn't it?" Virgil paused his pacing at Roman's snide remark, tilting his head in question.

"Jeckyll and Hyde's Confrontation?" That's technically a duet right? How the hell is that going to work?"

"I'm sure Roman can manage. Unless he wants one of us to help?" Janus peered out from under the rim of his hat at the side on question who was currently scowling over at him.

"Why don't you both help sing it? That way you can both work out whatever it is you need to. Roman's good on stage and Janus...you know the musical right? Oh God you do know it right because if you just picked it at random-"

"Relax Fidget and Hide it'll be fine." Roman scowl turned smug at the word play that Virgil didn't bother responding to, instead shooting Janus a final panicked glanced before going back to...well...fidgeting.

------

Thomas fidgeted in the booth nervously, making Talyn glance over in worry.

"You okay? It's a pretty big crowd, you can still back out if it makes you nervous."

Thomas felt a sliver of false reassurance curl around his tongue, opening his mouth almost against his will as he smiled convincingly.

"I'm fine really. It is a big crowd, but I feel like this will be good for me you know?"

"Yeah man, you really need to get out more." Joan flashed him a smile that let Thomas know he was mostly kidding, which he appreciated. Breathing deep he reminded himself to thank Janus later. A fleeting feeling of gratitude that wasn't his own welled in his chest and he smiled to himself. Message recieved apparently.

The performers were great, some obvious regulars and some anxious newbies but the mix didn't dampen his enjoyment in the slightest. As the music swelled around him he felt himself relaxing, grinning as someone started in on an Evenescence song that he knew would appeal to his youngest side. He could imagine the emo sitting in all his glory wherever they went when not manifested in front of him. As they got further down the list however his nerves began to fray. Any moment now his name would be called and he'd have to go onstage in front of so many new faces and he'd done it before but that had been performances and this was a bar and-

"Thomas." He whipped his head around to see Joan pointing at the stage. "They called your name! Break a leg!"

Smiling nervously, he stood and quickly made his way to the stage, wiping sweaty palms on his already sweaty jeans to a smattering of applause as the audience realized the person who was called was about to go on.

Just imagine them naked. Impatiently he shook the Intrusive thought away and zeroed in on the blank screen. A tech worker jogged up to him and his heart dropped. Surely not-

"I apologize but we've been having problems with the screen lately and it stopped working for the night. You're welcome to use your phone or forfeit if you'd be uncomfortable."

A sudden surge of confidence had words spilling of their own accord, barely there panic twisting his stomach. "It's okay. I can handle it."

The music began low and he drew in a steadying breath, opening his mouth where he knew the lyrics started.

------

"The screen died? What kind of hellscape is this?! I told you, I said what if the screen dies though I guess it didnt happen while we were singing but still! Do you even know the lyrics?" Roman shrugged where he stood in front of the couch, unfazed by circumstance.

"We'll figure it out Nightmare on Emo Street, calm down."

"Figure it-what do you mean you'll figure it out?"

The music started and Roman simply took a stance and began to sing, the sorrowful tone matched by his deep base vibrating the mind scape pleasantly.

"It’s over now, from what I know.

This world’s not what it seems.

It hurts that he would stoop so low.

A fatal blow for one poor dashing Prince."

Janus raised an eyebrow as he sat up straighter. Improv. Impressive. Beside him, Virgil groaned and hid his face, seemingly content to wait out whatever horror he percieved this to be.

"They do not see my tragedy,

Do not see my intent.

The stain of this snake’s evil

Would forever kill the good we all had meant."

Janus narrowed his eyes as Roman turned to him fully, the intent and purpose of the lyrics clear to him now as the Prince lamented on.

"Am I a good man?

Am I a bad man?

Eternal question. But will the answer ever…?"

The last note lingered as Janus stood. Fine, he thought. If this is how he wants to play it, I'll give him something to kick at.

"Do you really think

That I would ever let this go?

Do you think without me he’ll be free?"

He smirked knowingly as Roman stepped back, twisting Hyde's words into something closer to himself to throw back.

"If you do, I’m sad to say

It simply isn’t so.

You will never block his life from me!"

Roman glared and stood straighter, sweeping his arm as if to banish the other from his sight.

"All that he needs is to look in a mirror.

Good, honest life – and you’ll disappear!"

"I was the one who did give him that mirror,

So, I’m afraid, I will still be here."

"All that you’ll do is make our life a nightmare,

All you’ll achieve is high self-esteem!

All that I wanted for him – to chase his dream!"

Janus grimaced as he caught sight of angry tears gathering in Roman's eyes. Hardening his resolve, he clenched his fists to glare right back, refusing to back down from what this simple karaoke had become.

"Will you ever catch it, friend?

This chase will never end!

His procrastination still goes on!

So, I want to stay,

No matter how you may object!

I can give him power to move on."

His tone begged to be listened to, pleading eyes catching the royals in an effort to make him understand. He took a step back as a sword was once again pressed alarmingly close to his face.

"Soon you’ll slip up and deceive us all over!

We can’t allow you to have control!"

"Roman, hold on, move your train of thought slower,

For all I know, we’re all parts of his soul."

"He doesn’t need you to live, like he needs me,

He can be whole with no selfish snake!

Getting rid of you will be a piece of cake!"

His staff materialized in his hand as he brought it sweeping down to catch the blade safely in its crook, slamming the tip down into the floor as he delivered the next verse.

"I’ll stay among you forever!"

"No!" Roman desperately tugged at his weapon, gritting his teeth as it refused to budge.

With a sweep of his arm the sword was free from the floor, twisting in the air before crashing beside the couch, staff now jabbed painfully close to Roman's face. "Keep in mind that I earned my seat."

"No!" Roman lunged, but Janus hooked his arm and dragged him to the side with minimal effort.

"And I’ll make it my new endeavor

To guide him and prove to you all that

I’m more than Deceit!" Stalking forward, the staff's crook was jammed under Roman's chin as he stared down at him backed into a wall, eyes wide but devoid of fear as he seemed to consider the words before shaking them off.

"Will you stop? It’s

Over now! It’s time to go!"

Roman grabbed the staff and yanked it sideways, making Janus lose his grip and stumble to come face to face with his adversary.

Smirking he bowed low. "Oh no, no, after you!"

"If I go you'll go too!"

"I’ll just shapeshift and I’ll be you."

"No! Deciet, leave him be!"

"Can’t you see? He needs me!"

"No! Stop this fight!"

"I'm his side! I won't hide!"

"No never!"

"Yes forever!"

"Give up, you snake! Crawl back to whatever hole you came from!" Roman shoved forward and practically snarled out his last line, towering over a fallen Janus.

"You’ll get there too, Roman." Hat swept somewhere unknown he simply stared at the other, chests heaving in sync as the anger finally eased, if only by a fraction.

A chuckle bubbled up in his chest, starting Roman who took a second to consider him before a grin split his face as well. The tension snapped as laughter filled the space between them, Roman doubling over as tears dripped down his face.

"What the hell did we just do?"

Janus cackled and shook his head. "Created a masterpiece that's going to raise questions I'm sure."

"Hey you morons, you do realize you had Thomas sing that right? You're weird venty improv was just projected to an entire bar!" They both looked up at Virgils outburst to see the side in question shaking on the couch, beside him a grinning Remus shoveling (popcorn?) into his mouth. Patton stood beside them starry eyed and smiling while Logan remained at the table with a questioning look that seemed to suggest he had missed most of the context for the scene in front of him. Janus and Roman spared eachother another look before bursting into another fit of laughter.

------

"Sooo....didn't know the song huh?" Joan asked curiously as Thomas sat down. At his head shake, they simply grinned. "The improv was seriously impressive though. Janus and Roman? Genius!"

Thomas grinned sheepishly as his nerves finally settled, his smile wavering as another set of emotions came forth he didn't recognize.

"Hey, you okay?"

A feeling of peace settled over him like a blanket of fresh snow, crisp and clean as his mind cleared for what felt like the first time in weeks. A genuine smile stretched across his face as he answered.

"Yeah. Yeah, you know what? I'm great actually." He sat back and relaxed, looking at Talyn and Joan in turn.

"I feel better."

This work along with other one shots is available on AO3!

#sanders sides #sanders sides fic #ao3 #thomas sanders #janus sanders #roman sanders #virgil sanders #jeckyll and hyde

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kendrixtermina · 5 years

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Someone finally uploaded a Kingdom Route run with everyone recruited!

So imma be doing a bit of reacting

Kingdom!Ignatz works a bit like Empire!Felix - He wanted to go his own way unlike what his parents said and is thus following Byleth. In this case it’s of course somewhat less angsty ‘cause the Victors have the means to flee if necessary, unlike Rodrigue who was a prominent leader of the kingdom side of things

In an interesting parallel to how half the cast abandons the kingdom cause it’s a sinking shipload of kamikaze, on the other routes, Raphael complains about the instability and confusing politics of the alliance and how she should probably grab Maya and his grandfather and get them to Garreg Magh. I suppose a lot of people without connections or political accumen must feel this way. the monastery IS light javelin proof, so yeah...Raphael isn’t salty toward Claude himself tho. Then again he has little capacity for salt and in his paralogue it’s kinda shown that he makes a deliberate choice to live a low-salt lifestyle its not just obliviousness, he actively doesnt want grudges or awkwardness in his life

Leonie is also here to babysit Byleth and tells them not to let Dimitri push them around

Hilda: “The Monastery is a mess. So is Dimitri. I’m only here because Byleth is competent and Holst is annoying“

Dorothea and Bernie have so far gotten identical dialogues to the church route

Lysithea is interesting and kinda morally ambiguous. She says outright that she cares nothing for the kingdom or anything other than a peaceful life for her parents. She wants to get at the slitherers for her own revenge and they’re in the empire so she finds Dimitri’s revenge obsession convenient. Also very ironic cause, are she and Edelgard gonna fight each other because they both want to get at Thales? Very interesting bc vanilla BL doesn’t adress the slitherers that much - of course Lysithea says she has beef with “the empire” and doesn’t elaborate. At the same time Lysithea is MUCH more logical and self aware than most of the kingdom crew bar Sylvain so yeah

actually, Lysithea, like Felix, has TONS of route specific dialogue. I guess the devs expected those two to get recruited a lot since they are just flat out the strongest students apart from the house leaders.

The Kingdom is arguably just as infiltrated but Lysithea doesn’t know... and at this point Cornelia’s cooperating with the Empire anyways

General trend of the Alliance recruitees not being all that attached to the Alliance as they hardly knew each other at the start and half of them had nothing to do with politics

Nothing to do with the recruitees, but so THATS what happens if you propose to go to Fhirdiad first. Dimitri is like “You’re supposed to lead the church! Go rescue Rhea!” ...he doesn’t know the whole thing with Byleth being experimented on by Rhea (neither does Byleth at this point) but it is kinda low. Mitya you have no leg to stand on here indeed the main reason I was sympathetic to you last playthrough is that you never ASKED Gilbert & co to put you on the throne and made clear that you’re not interested in that... so following you was on them to an extent. but you don’t get to say “Do your Bishop job” (that Byleth never asked for) if you’re not doing your job cause you’re too busy doing your kamikaze raid. Then again he’s probably too emotional and just plain done with everything rn to see the contradiction/look at this with perspective he’s probably physically incapable of chilling out rn

It just ends with Byleth doing a pointed sadface. daamn Mitya don’t be mean to By-By she still believes in you dude : ( Though it makes sense he’s big on obligation he’s doing this revenge trip because he feels he must. So it’s more a distortion than it really is a contradiction, as far as he’s concerned he IS doing his duty...to the fallen. I guess if you can’t handle him at his “Go be a bishop or something” you don’t deserve him at his “my beloved~”

Still hurts a bit tho. Especially when Claude, though not without his own agenda, was distinctly a good friend on the topic, “Teach you’re in charge now be more confident~ the church doesnt run you, you run the church”

Before Aillel Dorothea says something about the Kingdom people also looking undecided of where to march, but she also wonders if some fighting/ victory will quell uncertainty

Also she and mercie are standing next to each other! Ive said before that it’s weird how they don’t rly have a support though they are the two most popular extroverted ppl on the campus... they GOTTA know each other at least on a smalltalk basis

Alois is like “These kingdom ppl dont seem to know what they want... but hey this allow YOU to shine as a leader”... so basically Byleth is running this show but for all that they’re a good field commander and decisive when it comes to immadiate practical problems, as far as big picture direction goes, well, Sothis’ “boulder” quote comes to mind. They just never had big attachments on convictions, the Felix support chain is also salient here. They kinda just did whatever job they were given until they found a bigger cause/purpose after throwing in their lot with one of the lords or the remaining saints.

I wondered how this would play out as the Kingdom route is very kingdom-specific, whereas Claude, Edelgard and the church all have an universal cause for people to get behind. I guess how this plays out is that before Dimitri’s turnaroud there’s the kingdom faction and the Byleth faction and Byleth is kinda trying to run the show as they think Dimitri would if he were at his best

Caspar is still on the more unphazed side but also substantially more phazed than on the church or GD routes, he wasn’t particularly close to Randolph but he’s not unaffected by Dimitri going a tad over the top here - he also has the takeaway that Dimitri probably never trusted him much since he was born in the empire.

Sylvain actually alledges something about Dimitri not socializing much with any Adrestians even back in the academy days if you recruit him on CF so this does not come out of nowhere. Also kinda makes me wish they had a support - theyre both naturals at smashing things but they have very different attitudes towards it. then again i suppose it would go alot like the raphael one

Ferdie recognizes Myrrdin is a strategically better location but as Aegir territory is closeby he wishes we could have invaded through there so he could take it back... Would the citizens want him back tho? After the war its a no-brainer cause he helped end it, the peasants arent going to complain about too much peace and prosperity nor are they gonna feel nostalgic about anyone who started a war with their tax money and then lost it, but if he waltzed into an area that had thus far been far from the frontlines, following his fathers’s exploitative management and 5 years of semi equal rights under edelgard? he might have been welcomed with pitchforks, through no fault of his own.

He says something implying hed like to come rescue his relatives implying that some of them are still alive. of course the pm deserves all Edelgard threw at him and then some, but id be curious about Ferdie’s other relatives. His mom probably looks just like him, because he sure didnt get the looks from his dad... or anything else really, apart from the crest and hair color. - though i think the a support with bernadetta implies that shes no longer around

Lorenz bitterly remarking that of course Claude and his dad eventually made peace since they both only serve their own interests. (”So long as their interests are in allignment they will continue to cooperate”) Says the guy we just rescued from his endeavors in turncoatery. Lorenz you’re pretty opportunistic too, and as for your redeeming features Claude has those too - but of course you’ll never find out in this one. Still, it shows that he’s painfully aware that his father - whom he would have died protecting if we hadn’t spared him - is a villain and a hack

Claude isn’t super trusting and knows that he gets percieved as shifty so he promises people to get them theirs so that they support him out of self interest. No need to take a chace. Of course by the end of this route he WILL take big chance on Dimitri

That says Lorenz is not SO biased that he can’t tell that Claude might be interested in working with the kingdom army

Lysithea (who surprisingly has TONS of unique dialogue here, and I like that it’s a complex mature plot) is having her doubts and not trusting Dimitri for all that she finds him an useful idiot. By and large you get the sense that many consider Byleth the leader of this operation, she’s glad that Byleth is there to issue sensible orders. She tells Byleth not to tell anyone and worries about what will happen once the empire’s vanquished. No faith in team Kingdom... at all. Understandable of course

Hilda’s dialogue is largely the same as in the church route and at times kinda the same in all routes but I like how she’s like “Claude might’ve looked like a lazy bum but he’s smart! If he says he’s on our side he will defs help!” before the gronder fiasco

A lot of NPCs stir the suspicion here so it stands out how much she totally trusts him like hes any other friend

As with the other routes with the recruitees you get an idea of what’s going on in the other territories such as Lysithea deducing that Judith must be backing Claude in his gambit

One moment you think Lorenz is going to add some somber insightful commentary to the sincerity of Claude’s offer but then he’s like, “Granted Dimitri is much improved. He must be asking us for help cause he trusts ME” XD Like... no friend. You’re almost right but if there’s anyone here he was faith in its Byleth. And then he’s even like, “Well no choice but to save poor Claudesy” On the one hand it shows that there not just pure hate there on the other... lulz.

apparently one of the first things Dimitri did after getting his act together post gronder is profusely apologize to Caspar for that ugly business with Randolph. Thats a worthwhile detail and i want fanfic of it. Caspar being Caspar he wasnt really keeping a grudge, they’re a warrior clan and they were at war

They had to move out so quickly that Hilda had no time to go shopping in Fhirdiad #Priorities XD

Meanwhile Ignatz, like a normal person, hopes his folks will be safe

hilda does eventually remember to maybe save her folks and claude but only after making Byleth promise to go on a shopping trip with her. Someone should probably write that fanfic

Someone told me that Ferdinand had some prominent critical lines but it was really just one, and it’s as I suspected actually just a variant of the same “a king can’t be emotional” line he gets in all the routes, this time with the addendum that if he turned around and decided to go rescue the capital, he might be capable of reason/being a decent leader after all. granted I guess compared to how most of the Kingdom people go along with everything it comes off critical? IDK.

Lysithea misses Rodrigue :(

Lorenz and Ignatz standing next to each other was a nice touch they have a fairly wholesome friendship

Leonie’s just glad that ol’ Mitya is “back to normal” especially since she’s pretty sure that they don’t have enough soldiers to get to Fort Merceus let alone Enbarr

For obvious reasons, Petra is pretty sympathetic about the whole “retaking Fhirdiad” thing

Seeing Seteth and Catherine so certain that Rhea would want them to save the people of Fhirdiad first when you know that she wouldn’t hesitate to set the place on fire is just...OUCH. Though it does show the goodness in Seteth and Catherine themselves.

Manuela wishes she could’ve moved her informary to gronder and save a few more peeps :(

It seems like to Leonie, Dimitri will always be just “Dimitri”, King or not. Figures she aaaaalmost adressed even Byleth by name XD You really DO get the sense that he interacted alot with the recruitees

All the house leaders shouldve had more supports.

If you grabbed hanneman he’ll give you some extra backstory on Cornelia - apparently she was originally from the empire and an eminent scholar whose great work Hanneman was vaguely aware of. I would assume that was still the real cornelia. Judging by the timing it sounds like she might’ve smuggled Patricia out of Adrestia. Assuming both were still original at this point this might present a possibility for why she trusted/vouched for cornelia without being complicit / lend itself to a “she was duped” reading

But it’s still suspicious that she would end up courting the second most powerful man in the land right after number one.

Some had suggested that Cornelia caused the plague in the first place but the thing is there was a perfectly credible “mundane” explanation for it (the city’s sewers not being up to date technologically) that theres no reason to doubt

Assuming that all the replacements occurred 14 years before part one when Arundel stopped his donations/ thins being about the time when Cornelia’s personality was noted to have changed completely, that would mean both the “fixing the severs” thing and the soppy story about how Edelgards’ parents met would be real

AAAA everything to do with patricia is just so ambiguous - if they were longtime friends wouldn’t she have noticed something “off”? Same with her brother actually. Lambert had his own country so its not like there was no one to protect her.

Ahhh THIS is how lorenz gets iinto the midset for that prissy, hes pissed that Claude dissolved the Alliance and misses it XD

you DO get to call him out for being a turncoat himself tho. particularly hilarious since Byleth just blinks and asks a casual question there

He immediately changes his tune

oh lorenz dear, i love you but you, sir, are WEAK xD

Lysithea as always calls everything and notes how suspicious arundel was alluding to the hrym nightmare also mentioned in her paralogue

She also mentions that he was said to be good and just at one point suggesting that there was a real Volkhard von Arundel at some point.

if the replacement took place when those donations ceased then Edelgard and Dimitri were 3, 14 years before part 1. Early enough that this could be around the time Patricia left enbarr, if this is when it happened then the romantic tower story might be real assuming that the Arundels were replaced at the same time - whatever arrived in Faerghus recomended patricia for a job so it probably had already happened by then

Its all so ambiguos tho we can only speculate there are so many possibilities

Ignatz marvels at how Claude managed to minimize damage to Alliance lands throughout the war, as in CF only Deirdru itself got particularly thrashed. Ignatz’ folks are safe and sound! Leave it to him to wonder where Claude might have absconded to. He was always one of the insightful ones but not in the same way as the other clever ones. More intuitive I guess. Cant remember if it was indentical to what you get if you spare Claude on CF (Cue the lets player remarking that Claude is probably stuck in a washing machine somewhere... he hadn’t cleared the Alliance route at that point)

Lol HILDA “And then the whole Alliance descended into chaos...” or actually she is surprised that that DIDNT happen and how orderly Claude managed the dissolution. “But I Guess we’re screwed if Dimitri turns out to be a crazed despot... he’s not gonna go crazy again is he?” You of little faith XD But she says all this in her usual cheery nonserious voice like

this chapter has a lot of unique dialogue actually

Linhardt impressed that anyone would have the guts to attack Fort Merceus directly and suggests looking for weak spots in the old walls

He shows up guarding it in SS and Vw doesn’t he? Guess he was visiting Caspar or something - or would have been familiar with the place from visiting the Bergliez clan in the past.

Ferdinand is wowed by Claude bowing out giving him kudos for caring about the peoples wishes. He thinks Edelgard ought to quit at this point and he’s alot harsher on her here than in any of the other routes. (”Not reveryone with noble blood has noble ideals” - Coming from Ferdinand that’s an accusation ) Interestingly at this point hes sticking with Dimitri cause post character developement, lots of ordinary ppl support him at this point and hes popular with the crowds. He’s wholly on the Savior King bandwagon, and maybe that’s why he’s harsher. He’s partial. Says something about him actually, largely good things when you think about it. Dimitri is probably the closest to what Ferdinand’s (and Lorenz’) own beliefs were. He likes the existing order and living in a fancy palace but he thinks the rulers should serve the people.

Its kinda ironic and sad because in ALL the other routes he clearly thinks Dimitri is an idiot and a bad ruler, and says he should be more composed and objective. But Dimitri wasnt at his best there now was he?

now ill be sad everytime I get to those “Ferdinand disses Dimitri” lines. They couldve been buds!

but i dont see this happening in any other route. According to something Sylvain says in cf Dimitri avoided ppl from the empire at the academy so they wouldnt have cozied up pre-timeskip, and its only the version of Dimitri who has his shit together which appeals to Ferdie as a leader.

really torn here on the one hand its a nice synergy to see lorenz and especially Ferdinand (who is waaay less arroganz than lorenz) sort of getting to win on their own terms with a ruler that jives with them and their Lawful Good fantasy classic thing. It’s not just a status quo thing its a protectors of the people thing. It’s heroic. On the other hand it feels like they’re stagnating when they could have had growth. This is basically the same Lorenz and the same Ferdinand we first met except slightly more mature. Notably lorenz is the same in the church route whereas Ferdie isnt as he still ends up rebelling fleeing and fighting against the empire. It helps that he practically winds up leading the remaining Eagles, albeit under Byleth and Seteth.

He still gets that line about being kinda sad to see the empire go though he knows there must be an end to the chaos, i think a few lines are different, so, not wholly without doubt

Shamir muses about hoe the three countries were once one and the same, but wonders that even if we put fodlan togethere theres no guarantee that it wouldnt come apart again. i mean there isnt, and wether thats a bad thing would depend a lot on the circumstances but its also possible that theyll get used to being one and forget they wrere ever separate. no one controls the far future... and should they? After all its always possible that someone in the future will have unforseeable circumstances or better ideas

Caspar sighs with relief that they didn’t have to fight his dad, last second worry about him turning up in the capital nonwithstanding... right does he get to live in this? Carpar wonders what’ll happen to him if they win, but he’s not holding down Faerghus so he might not have died the way he did in Silver Snow and Verdant Wind. It’s at least possible that he was captured alive and pardoned somehow.

Marianne’s adoptive dad sure smelled which way the wind was blowing; He was supporting Claude’s strategy to get the Cloucesters back under controll but sent Marianne to curry favor with the kingdom. Make friends with whoever wins I suppose. Ambitious politician indeed.

When she doesnt her from him in a while she wonders if he forgot about her but says she wouldnt mind that much because at least she wouldnt have to do any more politics? I distinctly recall that in gd there was something about how they got along better after the timeskip. Sigh.

she is real glad that Dimitri and claude ended up cooperating in the end

So does Dorothea but then she makes herself sad wishing that Edelgard was also there :( Me too friend, me too. I think thats the one unique line she gets this route. I like how it’s consistent in the church route she’s also the one who feels the most sad about betraying her, they were pretty close pre timrskip

as far as leonies concerned Dimitri is still just Dimitri even after taking back his kingdom. i like to think hed appreciate that. its also very typical of leonie. as with the “Caspar gets an apology” thing plenty of the recruitees get lines hinting that theres been more personal interaction between them and dimitri, kinda goes with how ppl in his own house follow him more out of personal loyalty than because they follow his plans like with the other two. hes kinda a very approachable sort of leader, makes the decisions with the group or follows whatever gilbert and Byleth decide, in the other routes theres always a distinct inner circle. Its cool how they incorporated the recruitees into that dynamic.

Petra is dissapointed that they DIDNT do a sneak attack on fort Merceus contrasting her usual line about how she likes sneak attacks. Dimitri naps both that an Enbarr head on doesn’t he? The Church has a smaller Army full of peeps who would rather not destroy Enbarr, and Claude agrees with Petra on the sneak attack thing and then Edelgard did that sorta shady but largely very gutsy thing where she didn’t sound the evacuation to restrict Claude’s movements knowing that there was zero danger that he would plow through the civilians (they don’t do this here cause last time they met Dimitri he was not feeling merciful indeed judging by huberts welcome lines and engage quotes he doesnt buy the turnaround), the AM ending narration also suggests that Enbarr wasn’t rebuilt, though Dimitri gave distinct “No pillaging!” orders, so they probably just couldn’t avoid wrecking the buildings and relocated the citizens.

Ashe also speculates where Claude went. That’s one of the things i like about Ashe he consistently averts out of sight out of mind I particularly always loved how he consistently worried about Dedue. Someone ought to.

Ingrid interestingly changed her tune here / kinda speaks positively of claude here - in CF she was like “I always though he was creepy”

Then again that was before fighting him I don’t recall If those two dont get the same lines if you spare Claude, have to go back and check

id like to mention that the lets player put lorenz in the pyjamas/loungewear the whole time as “punishment” for being late to the reunion and poked fun at him throughout.

#fe3h #fire emblem: three houses #fire emblem three houses

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survivormetaverse · 3 years

Text

Episode 7 - "Jodi is doing the absolute MOST" ~Colin

Yasssssssss PERIODT!!!! Merge!!!!! Whooooooo

I just want the former fools to spill the tea to me lmao that's all

I made it to merge finally and I feel like I'm doing really good at talking to people. I would have to say that my favorite people right now are Collin, Jared, Amy, Jodi, Ginny and Brayden!! Those are the people I'm feeling like I could trust a lot going foward. I've gotten some sus news about Jay claiming for an alliance that didn't include me in it. So I'm not really trusting that boy right now. But of course I will continue to pretend I do. And Elle is super nice but our convorsations don't really contain much game talk and I really never know where her head is at because she's not the most active. She's more in this thing for the challenges which I can respect BUT ALSO SHES GOOD AT THEM. I think Elle is worried that people percieve her as someone who is good at challenges but it's true. I'm not about to let her win challenges all the way to the final tribal council. She is lowkey my target even though I literally love and adore her. And I met Jodi today and she is so cool and easy to talk to so maybe we will work together too! But I've gotten gossip that Jodi thinks I'm "connected." So I don't really know what that means? I could be a threat to her socially so I might not keep her the closest.

wow we made merge. i'm not shocked to get to this point, but I am shocked to see that Danny was voted out. That is a major blow to my game he literally needed to survive one (1) more fucking round ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. But the show must go on right? Merge was overwhelming like a flood of people coming in. Some I knew some I didn't but based on my perspective here is my initial analysis of these gorls: Jodi- Finalllllllllly we back baby. Now that Danny is gone, Jodi moved herself up to my number 1 spot. I trust her I really do and I'm glad that we're back together I think that we can run this game together. However, I am withholding information from her. I wanted to tell her about only one idol, but I didn't even though we video chatted and I strongly considered telling her like I think I can trust her but at the same time it was almost like she was trying to pull some info out of me? idk i said that if i ever play the game of survivor i would never tell anyone about my idol and i'm just gonna ride with my gut. But we caught up and we are thinkin a lot of the same stuff. I feel like she's just like me, where she wants me to believe shes giving me 100% trust but shes really giving me 95% the same way I am. I still have my eye on her but she is my ideal person to ride this game with. It's just gonna be a problem when I need an ally to play something with and I'm gonna have to do major damage control. We'll cross that bridge when we get there. Amy- Girlllll idk how I feel about u anymore. Don't play the fakey fakey nicey nicey game with me you cannot bullshit the bullshit artist rn. She's working with others and trying to play the game where shes just nice to everyone and in everyones good graces. no. Jodi and i see you girllll we watchinnnnnn youuuu I don't think she fully wants to work with ginny but shes potentially tight with others too. I believe she has my back to some extent, but i know shes dipping her hand into a lot of pots. Babs- the only person i did not talk to. Colin- I know he's close with Jay so i made nice with him. Jodi informed me that hes tight with her too and I said perf bc he's tight with Jay so that is the formation of the group. Jay- Same stuff. meh. Jared- My king luv u xoxo we haven't talked too too much but I don't think we need to. You get spot number 2 my love. Also he told me about an alliance hes making with i think amy brayden anastasia and him which is good also confirms more that amy is very ugh. Brayden- Meh Ginny- Meh but also literally reached out to me and was like "i'm working with amy and anastasia and i know elle we wanna make a huge merge majority if u wanna join" LIKE WTFFFFFFF EFHIUDEHUDFBFHIUFE like u can't make this stuff up why would u tell me this????? All Ginny has done during this premerge is just reveal to me that shes actually smarter than shes making herself out to be, and it clicks now that she did not really need to connect much with us BECAUSE SHE ALREADY HAD HER PEOPLE THAT SHE WAS WAITING TO GET TO AT MERGE LIKE OMGGG the tribe placements Elle- Now miss elle.... turns out you do have a lot of connections here. And you're smart. interestingggggggggg. You are a problem for me. Anastasia- you are a problem for me already. i see you talking to everyone being all nice and shit like yes i get it youre supposed to be making connections and blah blah blah but not like this youre going about it wrong. And now I know you already have a group that you'd prioritize over me miss thing. Watchin you too. Josh- Glad he survived and I think he's riding with me. Back on original phantoms I told Jodi that I didn't speak to him when in fact josh and I were like alliance yas. I fear that he may have told Jodi that him and I were close and maybe thats where she's starting to get a bit shaky with me. But I know the two of them stuck together with an alliance of Collin Jodi and Josh. Butttt jared did tell me that josh was like i wanna work with u and he could probs be saying that to everyone yas i think i got everyone. So Jodi wants to go for ginny but I wanna go for anastasia. The tricky thing is there are soooo many advantages out there that if you say the wrong thing to someone it'll bite you in the ass unexpectedly and I am reallyyyyy not trying to get blindsided with two fucking idols in my pocket. So I want to get a group together that I proposed to jodi and jared separately which would be me, jodi, jared, jay, colin, josh. I don't think these people would run their mouths about who we voting out just to prevent an advantage from being played. I want to essentially force that group of elle brayden anastasia ginny amy(?) on the bottom but also in my good graces at face value. I think once the merge hit and even talking to jodi and jared the air is different and I feel like everyone is running around making alliances. I feel like jared and jodi even have a different air about them almost like the gears are finally starting to turn. i still gotta trust them and i think i can. It's just not gonna be cute when i start whipping out idols and theyre gonna be like wtf you fucking lied dennis. but again, will cross that bridge when i get there. gonna spend the next two days just chit chatting and being nice to these people. ginny is on the hit list, and i'm glad jodi is being very forward with it because shes just making herself a target.

https://youtu.be/nrrkbecwYCQ

https://youtu.be/QRILHU966Y8

WE MERGEDDDD✨ while I was at work rip me 😅 but it's fine I'm idk if I've talked to everyone yet I was kinda busy but anyone who reached out first I did 😂😂 I do wanna talk to Babs she seems great and I haven't yet and I should try to get to know all of the new ppl from the other tribes I haven't met, Jodi reached out anddddd I can't remember if anyone else I didn't already know talked to me 😂 but yeah! 🎶Merge, baby merge, ✨disco inferno✨

https://youtu.be/gAKFLe75uDY update; the alliance is really awkward and turned into like a how i met ur mother fan group HAHAH

https://youtu.be/lp4KXh7xb4M

The phantoms tribe is all in one piece that’s perfect especially when I got Anastasia and Elle on my side as well we are gonna dominate this season whoooooooi

Day two of merge: https://youtube.com/shorts/OvofAokuBtM?feature=share

It was kinda a slow day. I talked with elle for a while today but no game talk. same with anastasia and they wanna make a russians alliance but like this is post-ironic. anastasia cannot run around making alliances with people like its obviously not real? BUT i realized that anastasia is doing this. elle is linked to anastasia. brayden has a linkage there (whos also playing dumb with me like i see right through dis boy). ginny is associated too. amy is involved. i know jared has a fake alliance with them and josh is floating around somewhere too. i may be the only one in here not making a million alliances except like babs lol but the point is i dont need any of those groupings and alliances. let them make groupchats. let thm do whatever because they will all fall apart except the elle/anastasia and co group which has allegiance that goes beyond this game. i just need to essentially stay in the good graces of the people i wanna vote out. because literally most of them are essentially double/triple dipping and people are already on edge and paranoid so like all i need to do is just buy a tiny bit of time, hope that the little tiny seeds that have been growing for a day now sprout in the coming days, and groups and alliances crumble apart. like i didnt do anything wrong for making any move when it comes down it bc essentially nobody wants to involve me? so essentially just painting the picture of being the friendly outsider casting votes until they all realize they cant trust each other. but i trust jared and jay rn and they will help me get through this. jodi also numba 1 buttttttt ughhhhhhhhhhhh i was thinking like okay if people are saying ginny then what is ginny saying? what are ginnys allies saying (if she even has true ones) like my logic would be that the other person receiving votes may be jodi. shes quite vocal and out there and like shes digging herself a grave every day but im not gonna stop her from digging? like if word goes to ginny that ginny may be getting votes and ginny asks who started this shit? it'll probably fall back on jodi. i fear she might not last much longer if she is on the vote because that'll get her in peoples minds. anywho yeah, the important things are that i have a good connection with jared jay and jodi, and i love that i got to jared before any of these other ppl. like theyre all coming to him with stuff and hes just bringing the info back to me. maybe he tells me half truths but nonetheless its something. if we just figure out where votes are going we figure out what to do from within and if i ever pick up on weird vibe changes and shit becomes different based on how they act with me i will whip out one or maybe even two idols teehee. so yeah plan rn, be chill and friendly BUT NOT OVERDO IT LIKE SOME PEOPLE, bank on the fact that there are lots of cracks in some of these groups, and just make sure the vote does not fall on me. :)

MERGE IS INSANE! From a tribe of 6 to 5 to 4 to now 12, it's a lot to keep up with. I'm glad Phantoms stayed afloat and we own 1/2 the merge, but there's a lot going on. Within a day, I created/got added to several alliances, so here's the breakdown (BTW, I CAME UP WITH THE ALLIANCE NAMES AND THEMES. CREDIT TO ME): 1) jodi's lovers – me, Jay, & Jared; this is my F3, this is my alliance. I will go into detail about my history with Jared later, but Jay was in my last org but we never got to play together due to never being swapped together and not making merge. Jay & Jared were swapped together, aligned, then realized I was a commonality so we decided to do a solid 3. This is where my true loyalty lies. All my info from other alliances and conversations are directed here. 2) 21 gang – me, Colin, & Jay; Colin and Jay were tightest on OG S.E.E.S, and Colin and I were tightest on new S.E.E.S. This came together naturally due to that, as well as me and Jay feeling good about playing together. 3) the krusty krab – me, Josh, Colin, & Jay; this is an extension of 21 gang, to pull in Josh as ours and nobody else's. He let out that he knew Danny so now that he's gone, Josh's best option is to stick to me and Colin, and as a result, Jay. This next vote will truly test that he's with us and not any secret alliance with the other side, but I am pretty certain he wouldn't blow up his game with the three of us to save who we're voting out. 4) how i met your mother – me, Amy, Anastasia, Jared, Brayden, Colin; originally they left Colin out but I fought to keep him so that he's in a big alliance and doesn't feel like a side piece, because he isn't. My loyalty is with him and Jared over the rest of them. Having 3/6 on my side is also good because as far as they know, I don't know Jared or Anastasia. This alliance is clearly not really one to stick together, but at the minimum, it's creating fun conversation and personal connections, as well as subconsciously leaving names out of peoples' mouths. That's honestly the only reason why I'm here, as I'm certain that the Stings kids have their separate alliance. ONE ON ONE ALLIANCES: 1. JAY & JARED are truly both my #1s. I'm going with them to the end, even though I'm 99% sure Jared beats both of us for being a Denise, winning advantages, surviving that cursed Fools tribe. 2. Colin honestly would be my tightest person here if not for Jay & Jared being upfront about just running to the end together. Colin essentially is my #1 from new S.E.E.S, and he even told me about his Safety Without Power. I trust him so much, but I cannot trust him over jodi's lovers because he does know Anastasia and Elle and Amy and whoever else. However, he's not my absolute #1 not because I don't trust him, I just trust jodi's lovers more. 3. Dennis – this is a key relationship that I have maintained. I connected with Dennis in hour 1 of the game, but honestly I struggle with trusting him because he is just so paranoid all the time about votes, advantages, alliances, etc. He got freaked out by Amy because she messaged everyone on OG Phantom, like what? We only had 6 people. But I genuinely think he relies on me because he thinks I'm not connected to Stings alumni with him. But he does love to stir up paranoia and try to plant seeds and doubts. We need his vote for the time being, but jodi's lovers agree that he's too paranoid to keep in the long term. And he would flip. 4. Babs/Josh – these two I've just maintained relationships from the swapped tribe and it has paid off because they are numbers coming into the merge. 5. Amy – ah, my OG #1. Girl, I still see you as my #1 occasionally but you've freaked me out with your Ginny and Anastasia alliance, as well as the subtle unwillingness to get rid of Ginny. If it was genuinely just to keep OG Phantom numbers, I understand and I'm sorry for the paranoia, but hopefully you see why that was never gonna be a concern – I had Colin, Jay and Jared (& honestly Babs too) locked down, who are much more willing to play this game with me than Ginny ever did. I love you though and I hope we can get back to #1 status within the next couple rounds. THE KIDS WILL PICK EACH OTHER OVER US. I'll share my story with Jared as well as our Merge boot plan in the next confessional(s).

The Story of me and Jared Lai. I was going to film this (still might) but my phone is out of storage. But here is the (not so) juicy story of me and Jared. He and I were both competitive badminton players when we were younger. He lived in Seattle, while I lived in Vancouver; in 2013, I met him at a badminton tournament because his club came up to play. I don't distinctly recall what the instant spark was, but we met that once and maybe had half a conversation. Of course, me being 13, thought he was a cutie and word got out, I guess he found out. I had maybe spoken to him once in person at the time, so he's probably really freaked out that some girl he's barely met has this huge crush on him. So I ended up literally never talking to him for years, because it just was awkward. Fast forward to recently, he started noticing that I was posting some Survivor stuff on my finsta (which he's followed since I made it like 7 years ago?) and realized I was a Survivor fan. I posted about my application for Metaverse (something about the flirt game I wanted to play) on my finsta and he asked me what it was, so I hesitantly sent him the link and he signed up. In all honesty, I didn't mention this earlier because I was dreading being put together or swapped together, because I really was not ready for the level of socializing with him that this game requires just yet. We ended up not being together until merge, where we finally decided to just talk. We called, and realized you know what, lets just play the game together because no matter how awkward it felt, we did have a connection that could be valuable in the game. That's how I realized he connected with Jay and formed the jodi's lovers alliance. It is worth noting that he never thought I was cute back. It was very one way. That is why I feel awkward and was slightly hesitant whether he'd play with me or use it as a reason to get rid of me early. But I think we're good. Maybe we'll play a BvW ORG soon or the real thing.

While i like elle and anastasia, i’m forming a new majority (i pray to GOD i am) with Jodi, Jared, Josh, Colin, and hopefully we have dennis and amy...i don’t know where this game is going, i genuinely like everyone in this game but ginny. And it’s not like i DISLIKE ginny, I just don’t know anything about her. I have a good relationship with most people here, i just hope i’m not shot in the crossfire tonight at tribal.

Well my former tribemate Ginny is terrible at communication. I’ve heard from several other players that they have received very cold or short responses when attempting to reach out to Ginny so it makes them an easy first target. I’ve also found out that apparently Ginny, Elle & Anastasia are besties irl so that must be broken up immediately.

Finally created the renegades alliance it’s going to be huge nobody would expect it whatsoever

GINNY YOU CANT NOT TALK TO ME ALL MERGE THEN HIT ME UP AND MAKE A GROUP WHEN YOU HEAR YOUR NAME

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHQhqd5cz-Y&list=PLrsCGcojtF16jvLW49C4855pUlLWI9pnn&index=13 hey guys who here like amy winehouse say I

AHHH MERGE HAPPENED okay so I have no idea where to even begin. I'm just gonna ramble as usual. ITS so weird going from talking to 3 other people to now having to talk to 11 its the first merge round and I already have 3 new alliances One with Jodi + josh + Jay One with just Jodi + jay and one majority one with Brayden + Anastasia + Amy + Jared + jodi after Amy won immunity, shit hit the fan. Jodi is doing the absolute MOST. for some reason she's still on her rampage against Ginny. I don't know what their beef even is. but sis is doing the absolute most to get her out the natural move this round is to vote out Babs. Their name came out immediately because they're inactive still and haven't added some people back yet even. it's crazy. However, I'm out with friends last night and meanwhile Jodi is arranging an entire blindside and counting me as a number for it. like GIRL WHAT. I love her and she's my #1 but I can't put my own game in jeopardy for her chaotic plans. It would honestly be actually very easy to vote out Ginny instead but the way she's going about it makes it more chaotic than it needs to be My main thing is I dont wanna burn bridges. I feel very close to Anastasia and Amy and I don't want to lie to them. Brayden and Jared and Elle are people I would love to work with, but I can't start that off with a blindside. I understand there's a lot of powers and advantages in the game, but it's first merge vote. so now that I'm able to talk to everyone and take initiative, I'm taking it in my hands and trying to get it to be unanimous on ginny. that way Jodi gets her way, she doesn't spiral, she knows I'm still on her side, and I don't have to draw a line in the sand so definitively. i have no idea how this is gonna play out but we'll see how it goes!!

Jay told me Anastasia told him Ginny was the only vote for her at her last FTC. Girl, you’re literally proving why we need to get rid of her. I love you but she’ll never vote for me or work with me and my alliance. Sorry :/

teehee almost two hours till tribal. hate all of these people. voting out ginny. brayden is sussing me out he claims to be throwing a vote on babs so we'll see who else is putting a vote on babs. anastasia makes an "alliance" but doesnt talk to me about the vote lol anyway im just gonna chill and lurk in the shadows for a bit and just find cracks. just need to ride out these next few eliminations. thinkin about the most effective way to play a chaos idol. lots of thoughts. feel bad that the vote is on ginny but shes tanking her own game :/ i dont think she would even come for me yet so the only benefit of her going is that it takes away at anastasia and co's number. by co im assuming its elle brayden amy and whoever else they roped in. dxfcgvhbjkl so sorry ginny but bye i guess. maybe she'll pull out an advantage or something cool i hope my first tribal is exciting and not boring. i wanna be blindsided but not bc there are votes against me. just wanna see someone random go home.

So! Tribal tonight, I think everybody is pretty much voting Ginny. I feel like having an idol makes me that much more paranoid 😅 because im like *squints eyes* what if it's secretly me and they're trying to blindside me??? But anyway if Ginny ends up being voted out I'm sorry ❤️, I did mean it when I said mount merapi was water under the bridge, but i had work and then was exhausted so i took a nap and literally everyone had pretty much made up their minds 😅 there was no room to really even try to change minds.

We are voting out Ginny :( I AM ACTUALLY SAD I DONT WANT GINNY TO GO WHY GINNY??? Literally it was so random. Babs was going to be the target and then randomly Jodi and Collin were saying how they wanted to keep Babs and get rid of Ginny. And I tried to save it by sending a giant paragraph saying how Ginny would be a good number but they had their mind set. I THINK JODI AND COLLIN ARE WORKING WITH BABS. Jodi is literally my #1 target right now lol I want that girl gone. GINNY DONT WORRY IM NOT VOTING FOR YOU I AM VOTING BABS. I WILL AVENGE YOU!!

https://youtu.be/HX05_se6T8Y

gonna save the shade for the vote confessional lmao

~~~

Edgic:

Power Rankings:

Jared: As a lot of people have put it, Jared is the “Denise” of the season. He is coming into the merge with a fresh start and a clean slate as the last remaining member of his tribe. He has aligned with Jay and Jodi who are definitely powerful numbers to have this early in the game. Additionally, he’s also hiding behind Jodi’s massive and ever-increasing target. People are not viewing Jared as a big, monstrous threat. However, he is managing the numbers behind the scenes and one of the only people who can keep Jodi’s head screwed on. His power over Jodi also gives him access to numbers that he would not have otherwise. Overall, Jared is calling the shots and getting things to go his way always.

Colin: Colin has played very impressively this round. He has managed to reign Jodi back in and has cleaned up most of her mess. Now, he nor Jodi will lose important numbers because of Jodi’s desire to make the first merge vote a blindside. By being clear, upfront, and communicative with his allies, he is gaining their trust despite not voting the way they want. Speaking of allies, Colin has built relationships with people that Jodi has not; namely, Anastasia, Elle, Amy, and Brayden are key numbers for Colin. This marks him as the head of the non-Jodi side, but he is also close with Jodi enough to find out information. He realizes just how important these numbers will be in the long run. Finally, Colin realizes that Jodi is a messy and chaotic player who will do more harm than good in the long run. This realization is sure to be the start of Jodi’s downfall which, if placed at the right time, will be very beneficial for his game.

Jay: Jay holds power because he is aligned with Jodi and Jared. Not many people give Jay a second look otherwise. He’s on the outs with everyone besides those two. Both Colin and Dennis do not vibe well with him causing him to be a target down the road if they need an easy one. However, Jay’s greatest strength has and is his ability to stay under the radar while aligning with power players. He is effectively using Jodi and Jared as shields for his own agenda. This might be a problem later down the road as he might be seen as their goat. So, he needs to step up and have more of a say on what goes on in that alliance instead of being reactionary to whatever Jodi and Jared do.

Jodi: There is SO much to say about Jodi’s game, but only some of it is good. Jodi has gone off the rails this round. Her obsession and paranoia with returnees and advantages have clouded her vision. She has tunnel vision when it comes to getting Ginnifer out. Due to this, she was ready to blindside and burn bridges with people that she should still try to play nice with early in the merge. Jodi seems to be of the belief that no matter what she does her allies will still trust her. This is seen when she openly talks about her closeness with others in front of people, making several unnecessary and clearly fake alliances, and lying to people despite having no reason to lie. She’s still at the #4 spot because, at this point, people trust her and she holds a lot of power because of it. However, her actions, which I foresee continuing, will only cause that power to reduce significantly as people start to see her for the chaotic mess she is.

Josh: Josh is a little bit out of the loop this round, especially when he told Anastasia and Brayden about the vote for Ginny when he was not supposed to. This caused some rifts in his relationship with Jodi. However, due to this, Josh is firmly in the middle of everything as no one sees him as a firm ally, but no one wants to target him either. He could even be the one to turn on Jodi eventually seeing as he is in all these alliances with her.

Amy: Amy was in a bit of trouble near the beginning of the tribal phase. Jodi does not trust her as much as Amy would like to believe. In fact, without Josh outing the plan, Amy would not have even known that the vote was actually for Ginny. She would just be one of the few Jodi blindsided without remorse. However, I do think that Jodi has learned to keep Amy close is better in the long run. Additionally, Amy has Anastasia, Brayden, and Colin on her side which helps keep her in the middle. She is not necessarily a swing vote as Jodi keeps a ton of information from her. However, the position she is in keeps her firmly in the middle of all the power distribution going on.

Babs: They are not active, but their previous likeability in the challenges in pre-merge has caused them to have powerful and vocal vouchers, such as Colin and Jodi, to keep them safe.

Dennis: The distrust of Dennis saga continues. Jodi believes that Dennis is paranoid and talks too much for his own good (sort of like what she is actually doing). The alliance of Jay, Jodi, and Jared believe that Dennis will flip on them if given the chance and is a game Player. The only reason he wasn’t targeted this round is because of Jodi’s vendetta against Ginny. However, I foresee him getting targeted by this group later down the road. The worst part is that he cannot get a direct read on this group. He believes that they are all wrapped around his finger. If he does not wake up soon or get strong relationships outside of those three, he will soon find himself blindsided with two idols in his pockets. And those two idols are the only thing keeping him away from the bottom 4.

Brayden: The top of the bottom 4. Brayden, for the longest time before Colin cleaned up Jodi’s mess, believed that Babs was the person getting voted out tonight. He had complete faith in Jodi which has since backfired because she rats about everything he says to her other alliances. His alliance with Amy and Anastasia is quickly being spotted by people, and he has made himself a target by association. This was not a good round for Brayden as it puts him in the bottom for the rounds to come. Additionally, his reads have been off causing him to be majorly out of the loop.

Anastasia: Anything Anastasia says regarding Ginny always seems to backfire. Anastasia could say “I think Ginny is lovely person” and Jodi will go “See! This is why we need Ginny out!” Anastasia’s relationship with Ginny in this game was quickly exposed, and it gave a lot of people a free target. Anastasia’s defense of Ginny has worsened her position on her tribe’s totem pole. She does not seem to have a lot of social power yet on her tribe either. She does have strong allies with Brayden and Amy, but she is going to have to find new ones soon. This is because that alliance is quickly being read by others meaning it just serves as an excuse to target Anastasia.

Elle: Elle is pretty inactive this round which has been to their detriment. This has led to people liking them, but not necessarily wanting to work with them. Additionally, the rumor of an IRL relationship with Ginny and Anastasia is still spreading and being believed even now. They have been pigeonholed into working with those two as it seems that there is no way others want to work with them because of said reason. Elle has a lot of leg work to regain power in this game.

Ginnifer: I do not know why Ginny is being targeted so vehemently. False rumor of her connection with Anastasia and Elle? Attempting to start a majority alliance without telling half the people before its creation? Her first mistake was trying to create an alliance so quickly after the merge started. This information spread like wildfire throughout the tribe which gave her opposition (mainly Jodi) fuel to target her over someone inactive like Babs. If Ginny had sat back and just small talked their way through this round, Babs would be the person going while she is on the jury. It does not look good at the moment for Ginny’s game. The problem being that her detractors are very vocal in their opposition, especially the alliance of Jodi, Jared, and Jay who were willing to burn a lot of bridges just to get Ginny out.

All the alliances in this single round (y’all really said “What if Raffy was Pressed and Stressed”):

Fools Gold is Really Phantoms - Amy, Anastasia, Ginny

2 Gays and a Jodi - Josh, Colin, Jodi

Lasagna - Colin, Anastasia, Elle, Jay

Final 3 - Brayden, Anastasia, Amy

Kitty Cats - Dennis, Jared, Jay

The Active Ones - Brayden, Jodi, Amy

Krusty Krab - Colin, Josh, Jodi, Jay

Renegades - Ginny, Jodi, Dennis, Josh, Elle, Brayden, Anastasia, Amy

Vampires - Dennis, Jodi, Amy

Cody and Sarah's Besties - Jodi, Amy, Jay

Jodi's Lovers - Jodi, Jared, Jay

How I Met Your Mother (HIMYM) - Colin, Anastasia, Amy, Brayden, Jared, Jodi

21 Gang - Jay, Jodi, Colin

Yeet Ginny - Jodi, Dennis, Jay, Jared

#episode #episodes

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wildgeese2017 · 3 years

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i dont know whether i want to hav sex with her like if i cud. i think that shes into me she smiles at me and she seeks me out and she laughs at my jokes and compliments my outfits? ive known her so long and i trust her kindness. i think shes cool and sweet and interesting and like she really listens to what i say and is childish like me like she isnt embarrased to act weird and silly and get excited about little things. she seems like she wants to be around me. and i hav convinced myself that i like her. for years shes been my go to crush. its just when i imagine being touched it makes me feel weird?? i know shes had gay sex b4 i think shes hot and pretty and i love her style. i wouldnt mind touching her but the thought of someone touching me in that way scares me i worry that it would repulse me. but i want it so bad. i want her to kiss me and rough me up a bit push her fingers into my thighs u kno stuff like that , is that what attraction is? my relationship to my sexuality and body even is so warped and abstract at this point so disconnected from what reality can offer me. i think she is closer than most people to what i cud actually even attempt to experience something with tho. like she gets me im afraid of men so women make me feel safer to try stuff with i only hav experience w girls anyway not that its actually substantial or like in that romantic serious context. i just i want to be wanted so badly i know that i have been at least once. i get so confused i cant possibly be that bad but noone has ever loved me for my body. i can timagine what its like to experience the reverse. sure i am granted the privilege of not bein specifically disliked automatically for my body but it isnt worth much more as social currency beyond basic decency (which everyone deserves but doesn’t get). maybe i need to be less in my head. but im scared ill try intimacy with her and i wont like it . and that will mean a few possible things which would fuck me up and scar my self perception. firstly, it could mean that im not capable of normal intimacy that i am really genuinely fucked in the head like the rabbit hole i fell down when i was 11 genuinely messed me up like i gave into some evil shameful thing inside me when i was a child and now i can never be acceptable normal healthy or loved securely. second it cud mean i dont actually like women ive been playing as part of the lgbtq community this whole time how can i face myself or my friends being straight is shameful to me its so lame and uncool i know this sounds so like weird and fetishistic or performative but thats exactly what im afraid of i dont want to see myself like this i wasnt ready to label myself but i did i labelled myself so young and now it feels scary it feels wrong for me to say i dont like it when people are like you;re bisexual right? i feel that thing when you share too much too soon like your skin is peeled off all raw and exposed. i hate that. what if im too messed up i dont know it for sure what if intimacy proves im broken. or at the very least very unique in a way that could lead me to living my life alone without partners or lovers i want so desperately to be someones favourite someone who makes me feel good when they touch me and anxious and annoyed. i want to care about someone so much. too trust someone to see my body like my weird moles and self harm scars my veins and hair and teeth i want someone to see me all of me and still decide they want me. that i am worth the effort that they would seek me out. i dont know if that will happen.

i drive myself crazy looking in the mirror in different angles wearing all these colourful frilly lacey outfits agonizing over how i must look. i make myself soft and sweet and loud and excited and loving so others will seek me out im like a duimb tropical bird and it hurts so much because it doesn’t feel like its working.

people say be true be authentic but they dont say how much it hurts to do that and not be idk rewarded? desired? like i am expressing myself and that is pushing people away even subconsciously? sure it would feel amazing for someone to see that expression and see that fragment of my inner world and think i love that i want that i want her i love her but it isnt happening not as far as i know not in a way which satisfies my lonely soul.

i just dont want to be disgusting i try so hard to smell good and look sparkly and fun and bright and loving i think the manic pixie dream girl trope really damaged my psyche

i think i like other people too i feel different when they touch me like it feels more intense more like its getting through.

as far as i can tell my type is funny, creative, nice boobs dark or curly hair usually, i like people who are kinda sad bc i think we are alike which sounds cringe but people who are just living in a way which seems at least to me in a non-judgemental way to be unexamined i just cant really relate to i cant open up to someone who wont understand. i need people to say the right things or at least say nothing and only respond with touch.

is it weird that i carry on asking myself if i was touched as a child ? like i dont htink i was but i carry on feeling like it could have happened or i convince myself i did and then i mistrust people for no reason. but something must have happened i had such messed up thoughts maybe it was all the sex on tv i watched as a really young kid my parents would show me stuff with full nudity and relatively graphic sex my relationship to modesty is confusing i think i find people more attractive with their clothes on? i just see naked people like ok? thats a body its normal i dont get porn.

one thing i regret was being drunk and telling M that i cant watch porn i like weirder stuff and she was like bdsm? and i was like no its so weird it cant be in porn but i didnt mean it like that i meant i cant just feel stuff from nudity without context and i am into weird shit i dont know why i think maybe my mums mental health issues which she projected on me im worried i was just made wrong like im just a bad seed like i was destined to want things which dont make sense. but then i consider my whole warped desire hinges on the way it could be percieved by society the way society views people and their intented state of being. i am attracted to corruption addiction to transformation to giving into desire to showing desire physically with your body in a way that everyone can see and you can no longer control.

everything in my life boils down to my relationship with control. maybe its because i felt i didnt have any control as a child. my life was shifted against my will and i have this learned helplessness both from having my needs met without asking and from having my needs ignored or at least met in a lacklustre way. but then i think who really had control as a kid? kids dont control their life they dont make the decisions that what a guardian is for ?? but maybe its because i felt as though i did have to make the decisions like i didnt have clear boundaries and i dealt with that by punishing myself for overstepping rules i made myself. bc i had no control not really it felt like nobody had control there was noone to blame so i made things up new problems i cud blame myself for or i saw the problems my parents had said to myself i have that problem too and punished myself for it with feelings or pain or exercise or silence. i couldnt trust anyone. or at least i loved people but i couldnt open up. maybe thats why im so weird and territorial i keep things secret i hide stuff in my cupboard its like i invent things to be ashamed of i create problems for myself to distract from the problems i didnt have control pver the conception of. when i think of my childhood i think of feeling bad and ashamed of myself for taking advantage of my father like he was vulnerable and all i did was take money and time from him and he was struggling so much financially but he would still spend so much on leasiure when i think of it now i realise that spending time with me and making him happy must have made him feel good i get it more now that i do that with other people but at the time i felt so guilty all the time for the price of my clothes my food my life. and my mum would always say how terrible things were with money how tired she was how stressed she was how it was affecting her body. she would talk about how much she hated her body her fat her sagging face her pale skin her poor health i asked her once what superpower she’d choose and she said i want to be healthy all the time and i was confused then but i get it now.

i just felt like i had to pretend to be happy or like i wasnt bored or the time like i didnt feel bad about how my stomach looked how yellow my teeth were how tangled my hair was the bags under my eyes and when i look back i realise no one was looking after me noone was making sure i brushed my teeth and hair twice a day i barely did it once a day i used to hate myself so much that i couldnt do my homework but nobody ever sat with me and made sure i did it past like the age of 7 . i remember feeling so scared of asking for help i remember having nightmares or being sick and standing on the landing listenning to my mother breather through her door being petrified of asking for help like she needed the sleep and i was a bad person for waking her up like i was lying and then i actually started lying bc she wud just accept it let me fester on my own in bed all day if i said i wanted to if i said it hurt too much. i just im so scared of feeling that way again of feeling so scared so tired so useless so guilty so dissapointing so stupid so dumb so shallow so selfish so unworthy so dishonest so lazy so manipulative i look back and i think how could a child have been so awful? how could i have been as bad as i thought i was? it doesnt seem possible. the point at which i became irredeemable seems to shoft forwards each year like its chasing me and i become more and more of a villain stealing a bright future from the innocent child i used to be. i used to fantasize about going back and doing it all perfectly. when people asked me about my choice of power it always had to do with avoiding the consequences of my mistakes either immortality or time travel to be able to change what i did or to be able to move on without losing my future without losing my finite time. i want to be free of these constraints that feel so self inflicted. i spend so long in these mind prisons i construct labrynths in my head and get stuck there all alone with no way of asking for help without admitting how i got there in the first place.

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rottenbutrecovering · 7 years

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Hi! I'm starting to come to terms with having BPD but the criteria confuses me; is it okay for you to share how you experience it so I can at least get an idea? Thank you, love your blog!

Okay I’ve had this ask in my inbox for so long but I’m finally answering it! Putting it under a read more as it’ll be long.

Note: I wrote this for my boyf a few months ago (I’m changing the wording), so it uses the old criteria! One day I’ll write it up for the new one

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

I am sensitive to abandonment. To me, when someone is angry, it doesn’t mean “they’re angry rn” it’s “they’re angry so they’ll leave me.” This is why i spent 6 hours arguing with my ex when he dumped me. I’m hypervigilant so will over analyse behaviours a lot. People may catch me often saying “are you mad at me?” “do you hate me?” or “are you okay?” randomly when I percieve a change in mood/behaviour as I will auto assume it’s a negative change and will mean they’ll leave me.

Also, I test people. And I hate it. I’ll say things like “we can stop talking if you want” cause i want the person to say they wanna talk to me. I normally notice when im doing this and stop

Also I say “tell me you love me” and “tell me im pretty” to confirm my boyf won’t leave me

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

Basically, this means in my relationships (this includes friendships and family) I go from adoring the person to hating them, and back. I hate this, and I avoid doing it the best I can. People may notice with my friends one day ill say they’re my best friend and the next ill say i hate them/they piss me off. My relationships are intense as my feelings are.

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

I mirror others personalities, as I can’t see mine myself. I’m unsure who I am, so change a lot. My views shift with people im with, and i go thru obsessional phases with things and they become my personality (e.g. fnaf). It also means i relate to fictional characters a LOT and often mirror them (unconsciously). I’ve also had quite a few break downs where I end up repeating “who am I” to myself, and I find it hard to describe myself to others

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., substance abuse, binge eating, and reckless driving)

I don’t binge eat, drive, or abuse drugs or alcohol. However, i do impulsively message people saying stuff that will start fights (havn’t done this for ages tho). I may not have this symptom, altho I show it sometimes.

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

I get suicidal thoughts. When breaking down and crying I’ll say that I wanna die quite a lot, and I may make a lot of jokes about wanting to die. I get suicidal thoughts, well, pretty often. Maybe even daily. Sometimes fleeting, sometimes not.

It’s fairly rare that I self harm, and it’s normally only at my worst.

I do, however, take part in mental self harm. Looking at things I know will hurt me mentally for example. I sometimes do this when my symptoms are low as i worry im faking.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Mood swings son, are the BANE of my life. Tiny things can change them, and sometimes they just change for NO REASON! Yeah, I hate this. It makes me feel I can never fully enjoy anything because my mood can flip to extremes at any moment.

Chronic feelings of emptiness

It’s literally feeling nothing, emptiness. I get this… look in my eyes when im empty that i dont like. When like this i may talk about how nothing matters and say “whatever” and “not that it matters” a lot. I get like this when im breaking down. When like this i become apathetic and, if I’m really bad, kinda mean, and I hate it, cause i wanna be a good person

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

I tend to direct anger towards myself (blame myself for things) than to others. But ill admit I am quick to get VERY defensive and not listen to what others have to say if I perceive they’re attacking me.

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

This bitch paranoid! Which is also why I’m not very impulsive. I often think people are out to get me and doing things behind my back. I will over analyse. I may accuse people of something out of nowhere, with no evidence. But to me, there is evidence. If this happens, please ask for my reasoning, and explain why it’s wrong. I dissociate in stress. Dissociation is where i feel disconnected from my body. My typing becomes messy, my thoughts disorganised, and I feel out of reality. I may ask things like “where am i” or “i have no idea whats going on”.

#answered #advice #suicide tw #self harm tw #Anonymous

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lilidhshoneynutfeelios · 5 years

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this weeks freeform personal post lol

so im kinda getting estranged by my mother tbh like i was quite explicitly told that im making a “lifestyle choice i dont agree with” and that she “cant recognise me” (like, my face is a different shape but what she means is that im not like, rolling over and taking her abuse anymore) and i cant be like taking hormones and using a different name and expecting to be like, part of the family yknow. and like, her partner will just follow suit and ive already estranged my older sister lmao and like, highkey im not confident i’ll get into 3rd year and like, yknow. on a triangle of ‘disowned’ ‘trans’ and ‘drop out’ im pretty sure i can only handle two and like, v v highkey i want to just like, kill myself and avoid the whole thing and like, i’m v aware that, other than this one medically induced manic episode in march/april, ive had passive suicidal ideation for like, almost my entire life and ive never done anything about it. idk im v greatful for the valid people in my life rn, im v happy that ive got like, decent people i know irl and online that just kinda, make it seem like a temporary problem? and recently ive had a lot of experiences where ive been able to like, be good for someones life, esp w like, i run the trans forum at uni right, and we’ve had a couple moments where like, people’ve got to see like, other trans people in groups, and just be like ‘huh, we’re not freaks and perverts huh’ and its been good for them and i kinda just wanna keep living for those moments and all these rly cool moments i get to have w my friends and like, ive got a lot of good books im excited about rn, and ive got some money in the bank i dont want them to get, idk. ik a lot of people in my life get really tetchy when i talk about like, suicide after like, i actually tried, and thats fair but like, for the last idk more than 10 years its just been passive and ideative and thats sad but its also like, mostly benign and i dont want people to worry about me. i kinda think im too late to get a summer internship now i had two interviews and i failed one and i dont want to work in a care home all summer and i kinda want to piss off to glasgow and stay w finn and thats not an easy option but i think it’d be good for me like idk what work i could do in glasgow but i could do some shitty job right,i dont have to do internships now i guess, idk im really tetchy about experience and esp trying to get experience where a change of name isnt an issue. yknow, like job hunting is demeaning enough without revealing a priori youre tranny, idk like, i have a zero hours job in aberdeen but i wanna move out like, asap, like i cannot be here, its just v scary to be in an environment where youre like, actively hated. idk like she didnt harbour any particular hatred to trans people before this like she knew a trans person from my school and used his name and pronouns but idk, maybe i shouldve seen it coming after how tedious she was about me being a faggot like, idk she got over that after a couple months but she just, doesnt want to budge on this, like she sees me using my name and taking hormones and having trans friends as like, an actual insult to her raising me. shes just like I Picked Your Name, I Raised You A Boy, Therein You Will Be And Anything Else Is An Insult To Me As A MoThEr yknow like, god, its not a big deal yknow, you get 2 daughters or you get 3 idc what you do with that fact. and sure, i consider it entirely her problem that she hates trannies but like, being trans AND disowned AND a dropout is just like, too much for me i think like, theres no shame in that life to me but like, theres also no dignity. like theres no dignity anywhere but idk if i can do it yknow. also like, and i hate to like bring up sex work when talking about trans hardship bc it feels like a boogyman trans girls bring up to scare eachother but, idk if i can go back to that? i hate waiting outside and i need poppers for like, anal w people i dont trust (and sometimes w people i do) and like, theyre a v safe drug but too much can put pressure on the eye and im blind enough as it is. i had enough poppers one time that i went colourblind for a moment. that was fun. i was kinda drunk too. in the summer i kinda wanna deal with presentation like learning-to-pass as a skill but like, idk im not butch right but im also like a real person who goes outside lmao. like i cycle in the rain and garden and eat with my hands and im not going to be domesticated at any point tbqh. like im not sure i’ll ever pass in like, the next so many years without like, FFS and laser or smthn, but like, idk ik two things right (1) that im a bit of a feral tomboy and im comfortable in like, trews and shirts, getting dirty and building things so long as im not like, percieved as a man and (2) that i was traumatised for like, almost the entirety of my life for doing anything feminine right. like i got beat up in the engineering club at school a lot bc i wasnt like, masc enough to be in that space lol, or even if i didnt get beat up like, there was like, idk what you’d call it like preformative beating up? like unwarrented roughhousing? like pretending to kick someone but Just For The Banter Obviously, We Weren’t Trying To Intimidate The Faggot At All Sir. yknow. and like, obvi like the usual words and jokes we usually use to talk about fem men or men who arent masc enough or whatever. and like, trying to separate (1) from (2) yknow. like thats a task and a half. and like, esp recently where im like, not feeling like a pervert and an intruder 100% of the time w like, lesbian spaces. like obvi ik im not welcome by most there right, but like, idk ik a few lesbians who are like, idk at least on surface dont seem to consider me an outsider and i kinda, get to talk about the fact i like women without like, being seen as a man and a pervert and a rapist for it yknow. and thats been like, a bit of a moment for me. bc like, idk i like women and i kinda havent been thinking about that for a long time bc i dont want to be seen as a man and like, ik ive always liked women, i just like, didnt think that i could like, engage with other women who might like me, without like, having to Perform Man and all that implies and, idk yknow, its not like im having a sexual awakening or ive discovered a two way strap on lovehoney im just like, idk, not not-welcome sometimes for the first time in forever and that kinda means rethinking a few things about where i position myself etc. and thats largely fun now that im like, idk, i have more language-tools to do it than the last few times ive had to consider who-i-love-and-how yknow. and like, idk ive mostly been playing the same fiddle as i always have with like, having this gayboi dress sense and slang and idk, maybe it’d be fun to get a bit of a more lesbian of a haircut or smthn, but like, id have to do it in one of the gay barbers in glasgow bc i dont trust any barbers in aberdeen to not cut my hair Like A Man yknow also i havent been to my usual hairdressers in months bc im growing out the sides and idk what theyd say like i need my split ends done but i dont want them to go in and speak about my hair and my bikes and my ex lmao i used to go get haircuts w my ex and also i have v bad hair and ive recently decided im ok with it being curly so im just like, idk learning what to do with that tbh idk yeah, once whoevers in the kitchen leaves im gonna make a cheese toasty bc thats what ive been craving all day

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0n3-h4lv3 · 6 years

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10:17pm 9/7/18

FUCK yall. Heres some things that *i* have 2 say. @ morgan : i love u so much !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U literally deserve every good thing in this entire world. You are so loving and bubbly and positive that it is Infuriating to me that you have to face any hardship whatsoever. You dont deserve that, but you are strong enough to push through it and to make the most of any bad situation, and im SO excited for your future and the amazing things you will accomolish. Youve been my best bud for like ??????? 12 years almost ??????? How badass is that !!!!!!! U are the one bitch on this planet that i truly can tell everything. Nothing on this blog would suprise ir shock u, like a bitch knows whats up bc. God i rlly truly can 100 percent relax in ur company. SOMETIMES i still worry abt dumb shit but then i tell u anyway and it works out ok. Im mad greatful for that. Even with my other besties, i think id go mad without u and our friendship. I dont always send u the most responsive texts, but i DO think abt u every day and i LOVE u 2 bits and bits and bits. I wanna have sleepovers again. And tell bad stories abt marvel and folklore characters in the dark until we pass out laughing at eachother. I miss being kids. I dont think there was a point in my life so far where i have Truly been blissful or care free, i wasnt built that way, but memmories of u and me playing and creating and laughing together are truly the happiest i have. If not for you I would have killed myself three years ago in my bedroom after school, that day that i couldnt stop crying ? I went home and i tore at my shirt and i screamed and sobbed and slammed my head into the floor, lamenting how unlovable i was, but i really did have something that kept me from giving up, and it was you! I know thats heavy, which is why im putting it here and not actually telling you, but even though liv was my big fp at the time, you were rlly my reason to live. I just pray that i can do something meaningful for you, to repay you for being there for me before i die.

Finny! : BUD!!!! Ur actually. An angel but irl. Like sometimes i see you and stop breathing for a second. And im not even talking abt that ur like hot or whatever, its like. Gosh, finn you just have this presence ? And you are simultaniously so forgiving and understanding while taking Absolutely no shit and i respect that hard. Its like rlly hard to be uncomfortable in your presence. I still manage to sometimes, because god made me and was like "yeah this bitch will never see rest of any form", but like compared to the discomfort i feel around Most people, the discomfort i sometimes feel around you is WAY less and very warm asfjgja. I wish i got more hugs from you, i know thats like Mad stupid, but theyre. Validating and wonderful and they mean a lot and feel rlly good so more of those would be cool. I miss laying w u on the couch and watchin horror movies !! I know that was just like a month ago and its not like we cant do it again, but with how busy we are and how busy Everything is im very scared that we actually wont get to, or that u dont want to. Anyway im rambling, but u DO mean the world to me, and im so so sorry if im too much or overbearing. I dont know if you know how much you mean to me ? If youre on this blog you have an idea but i dont think these posts actually paint it accurately. For the past 10 or so years ive had a pattern of latching on to people, one at a time, and putting "all my eggs in one basket" so to say. It can be a best friend, or romantic interest, or both. But regardless ! This person directly and immediately impacts my emotional state. And rn its you !!! Which sucks a LOT. Bc even outside of my shitty "favorite person" thing, you are very important to me, and your friendship is so important to me. But i havent figured out how to negate or counter the whole fp experience, and so whenever u do anything... that i could interpret as disinterest or disgust or like anything negative, it has a 50/50 chance if sending me into a panic, sometimes a full fledged anxiety attack ! And whenever you show interest or affection or anything positive, it beyond makes my day. And thats. Like weird ? And it sucks even more for you, because if you realized how strongly just the tiniest thing can fuck me up, you wouldnt even want to talk 2 me. You would distance yourself to save urself from the stress and me from the whatever this is. But i know that my brain would just pick someone else as soon as you abandon me, so i have to just keep in my head and to myself until the fp thing moves on, or u abandon me anyway, or whatever. Bc i dont want to lose our friendship. And its ok !! But it makes our friendship more complicated on my end. I unintentionally put so much stock into how u percieve me, and so you not wanting to date me for suoer valid reasons still tears at my heart a lot. Like somethings wrong with me or you dont rlly love me or whatever even tho thats not necissarily the case. Anyway. Ill be ok. I rlly will, this is something i just need to man up about and push through ! Thank u for being such a cool friend :).

MADI !!!: UGH bitch. I do love u. Im sorry im late every time u pick me up in the morning and that i complain so goddamn much. I know its unbecoming but in my defense im feeling pretty rock bottom these days and u r like a cute little ray of sunshine that drinjs too much coffee. You are so. Beautiful okay ? That sounds like bullshit cuz im ur best friend and all. But this is honesty hour. See what i wrote to finn and mj ?? Im not fucking around. Im laying it all bare. This is the post yall will find AFTER i kill myself, so im not gonna LIE to u in it. Could u imagine ??? Anyway point is: you are so beautiful, and you are complex and interesting and Capable okay ? Like ur not a background character or basic or none of that. U feel like u are, and u say ur not pretty or whatever, and its like. The dumbest shit bc if u could only see what Every One Else was getting to look at ? U wouldnt recognize urself. Also. U have an INSANELY kind heart. I cant believe u were ok with me fucking your boyfriend. I cant believe you put up with my drama. You buy me coffee ? You go out 2 lunch with me ?? You seem to take genuine interest in me, and like my company !! Its bananas girl. I dont know how i can be so vile and low and selfish and you still stay by me. I dont believe i deserve it, but ur kinda adimant abt remaining my best friend, so hopefully ill have time to become a better person for you, and 2 return the favor. I love u mads. Like, big time. Ur a rock and roll girl and id do anythin 4 ya <3

Myla !! : buddy. Oh my god. A lot of people r likr "ohh im chaotic good" or "wow shes got such chaotic energy" and its MAD bullshit. But real talk ??? U like... do have such powerful chaotic good energy. Ilysm. Ur smile is Contagious. Actually just seeing u at school makes me smile. Ur company and friendship is such a blessing. ALSO lmao ur so ??? Like coy ?? And cheeky ???? Its mad fun, ur just like a very silly very lovely bud. I know you are Also very depressed and hurting. And i hate that so much. You dont deserve it. Nothing about you has earned it, but like depression doesnt care who earns what ya know ? Anyway ur strong. Likr 4 real, and i want u to know that you can SO overcome it, and u have such a bright future okay ?? I love you ! I KNOW finny loves you! I dont know ur parents that well but they'd be BATSHIT to not totally love you. Having you in my life is like a blessing, and i rlly rlly rlly hope i can repay the good energy some day okay ? I know u dont like talking abt how ur feeling, but if u ever want to, or u think of ANYTHING i can do to help, tell me asap okay ? Bc i will not hesitate to be there 4 u, no matter how big or small.

OKAY @ all of you !!! :

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY !!! IM *SO* GREATFUL YOU ARE ALL IN MY LIFE !!! Literally i cant. Express how important you all are. Im crying and i would Literally die for any one of you. That sounds like a silly thing but it would be. An honor to actually lay down my life for the sake of any of u guys, tho im not sure how the situation would arise lol. I feel like i owe y'all so much. I also know that if i am going to get better, i cant do it alone, and i might end up asking more from u guys :(. I hate that, but im hoping you can understand and allow me to return the favor somehow someday.

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not-tryin-2-have-a-debate · 7 years

Text

part 2 poetic waxing

i keep getting really mad at my ex the second i realize i was thinking something thats not real

because to the best of my knowledge she read this blog and heard me talk about my expiriences for so long and then she,,,,completely misunderstood them and tried to replicate them in a way that doesnt. make sense. and isnt what this is. and im still hoenstly really offended by that because wow. and i just wanna say like. especially since this blog is pretty much entirely Unseen now

im still terrified to recognize myself as psychotic

i dont want to be psychotic

im afraid to talk about it with my doctor or even touch on the symptoms and eps of it and im terrified to get put on pills for it and its a shit show

i think with the people im closest to i try to normalize the idea of being that way with myself

and i pretend the idea of being psychotic doesnt terrify me and say it freely because its not going away and im scared and i need to learn to not be so scared if im going to deal with it in any capacity i need to be able to recognize it

it was a long process.

i didnt start being that way overnight and i didnt recognize it until way after it started

and its not just 1 thing

to me the embodiment of it and the whole problem is that youre just constantly trying to figure out whats real and whats going on like your being hit on all sides

id describe my perception of and ability to perceive reality as a wall thats always being eroded down but can also have parts break off or have holes blown in it at any second...and im constantly trying to build the wall back up and reinforce it and repair it. but i usually dont have a fully formed wall and even if i got there id only be able to maintain it for so long until half of it got blown up again. etc etc wall metaphor if i leave it itll just fuckin collapse entirely

but yeah yknow like.

a delusion isnt just ‘when you think something that isn’t real.’

and like not to dip a bit too much into tumblr vocab and context or whatever but like,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,the way Neurotypicals take symptom descriptions at total face value is...tiring. idk how else to describe it. theres so much context missing.

these symptoms for me started up when i was a kid and got worse.

it was because i have so much family history with this shit that i finally noticed it and compared and recognized the beginning to get worse problem

because ive seen it in my brother and my uncle and my grandma and my family for years and i know it up close and personally

i dont just have some kind of kooky thoughts that i recognize arent real while im having them. my ability to do that at all came with practice and time and repitition.

i dont know when im not dreaming.i see and feel things that arent there.

i think thoughts that i cant recognize as mine and are usually a bunch of nonsense word salad shit.

i have real prolonged trouble recognizing myself as a human being thats physical and has human limits.

i have toruble percieving the present. i have trouble remembering the past.

i constantly really for real feel like ive seen this before.

every time i have deja vu i like have a whoel fuckign Moment lmao

i assume people think the worst of me and want to hurt me.

i assume the end of the world is happening out of nowhere and i really think its happening.

i think God is trying to punish me.

I think spirits are coming after me.

I really believe it.

I spend my day crying and panicking and hiding from shit that isnt real.

i convince myself my whole life is some kind of divine punishment.

its on top of that and

its after years of that

and years of seeing family members older than me and farther into it than me degrading at the same time

that i think some dumb shit and immediately catch myself

or that i think im getting psychic messages and can immediately be like ‘ok calm down’

its because im trying to convince myself im NOT like a psychic prophet and ive been able to recognize it before that i can see a message for what it is and recognize what im doing

its bc ive corroborated the expirience with my brother after doing it for years and years already

i didnt wake up one day and start thinking i was a prophet but also recognizing thats crazy yknow

i thought i was a prophet and then as i grew up i started realizing that it was crazy because i found resources and saw what my family was going through and got so sick of the worst parts and thought something had to be wrong with that picture

and even then the messages arent a delusion

having dejavu and being suspicious of it isnt a delusion

wishing something was true isnt a delusion

believing in gods and spirits and weird reincarnation stuff isnt a delusion

they’re parts of a whole and thats only a few of the parts

like an example of levels

really liking a celebrity isnt psychotic

wishing you were married isnt psychoticdaydreaming about being married to them isnt psychotic

imagining they’re talking to you or they’re addressing something in an interview to you isn’t psychotic, in and of itself (imagining the message but also kind of beliving it also isn’t )

actually beliving they’re addressing you in an interview or something isn’t a delusion, and though its like Psychotically-associated isnt An Automatic Sticker Of Psychosis slapped on your forehead

forgetting you aren’t acutally married sometimes isn’t a delusion.actually beliving you’re married to them is a delusion.

you won’t be able to recognize it as that until later.

the other behaviors, for you, since youre having a delusion, will come off of that.

someone non-delusional who really loved to dream about it might convince themselves into some magical thinking about the celebrity.

for you though, its because you’re married. you’re literally actually married so of course they’re leaving little hints for you! you never get to see each other!

you rationalize it.

because you believe it and having someone put a crack in things you believe in is scary for anyone.

i mean especially wow if someone told you were werent actually married to your spouse and didn’t even know them? they didn’t even know youre name or that you existed? that would be horrifying. of course youd come up with rationalizations.

and that delusion probably started because you really liked them and because you were lonely. but also because youve been having some issues and either are psychotic, were developing psychotic symptoms, or like Had The Propensity To Be Psychotic in general yknow like. the seeds were there or you were already living life as a psychotic tree and this was just a new branch.

after a while they might start to get it.

they might start poking holes in there own reasoning and being brave enough to follow that path.

and hopefully from there theyll get to the still-beleving-it-but-also-recognizing-its-’fake’ stage.

there are a lot of reasons i dont want to be psychotic.

no one should want to be.

anyone who says they want to be is either someone who’s a disgusting creep thinking other peoples crisises are some hot edgy mysterious shit OR theyre a psychotic person trying to humor themselves and be okay with themselves.

and you should be ok with yourself but that shouldnt replace wanting to improve and manage that really scary world-ending parts of shit.thats a whole other topic though

i dont want to be psychotic because im terrified of slowly loosing my mind. thats a freaky prospect that no one should really want. i only want that when im suicidal and wish i just didnt have a mind to think with at all kind of shit.

i dont want to be psychotic because i dont want to keep having these episodes and seeing this shit and thinking this shit. a lot of it is absolutely terrifying. other things are less active but like...i wish i could trust anyone ever. i wish i could trust my own judgement. i wish i didn’t get obsessive and weird about contamination and not be able to eat food or need to contain myself from freaking out if certain people touch me. that shit isnt cowering from God under a desk but its annoying and i don’t want to be doing it. i wish i could stop doing it.

i don’t want to be psychotic because once youve had it confirmed that you believe things that arent real that makes it just that much harder to trust literally anything you think.i have to check everything with people because what if im wrong or assuming or jsut being crazy or i thought something up that isnt true.and we all seem to have an amazing knack for like doign that whenever we were actually with reality, and forgetting to do it when we do actually have something a little confused lol. maybe thats subconscious.

i dont wanna be psychotic because i want some things to be true!! you know!! and learnign they arent is, again, confusing and really scary. no matter what it is. but if its something that you like or that brings you some kinda positive shit then thats even worse to have taken away and have be a lie. and even worse a Crazy Lie.

i don’t know how much of my religious views to trust and thinking that anything i believe in or think is up for questioning brings up a whole lot of good things that i dont want to be up for questioning.part of the reason im scared to go on meds is because im really worried some good things will turn out fake and go away.

im worried about what all could just like...dissappear. what if the whole world changed. what if im wrong about more than i thought or something that id never even considered.

like.....im out of steam now but.

yeah. idk

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in-paradox-space · 7 years

Text

so my boyfriend just dumped me.

I wrote a massive stream of thoughts down below.

im not going to spell/grammar check it and i only write these things to look back on in the future.

if you read it, it will be hard to follow

i write them in a way i know i will understand, because theyre intended for me.

so a lot of context isn’t written down, because I expect myself to already put that context into the right place.

ultimately these are a collection of thoughts many many many other people think, and youre not reading anything new anyway.

In the long term this is a good thing but I’m still in shock.

One of the last things he said was ‘I think you’re mistaking being woke for being retarded’.

I had to look at it and think objectively. What if I am retarded?

Am I just retarded? I asked deep within and it’s like my body was rejecting any possibility of it being true with denile.

I know now the truth is I’m just not on the same plain as these people. It’s foolish for me to try to connect with them on that level with those questions. Whether I am or I’m not retarded, I’m in a completely different world from them and it’s just not comparable.

Still, I had to ask. Am I retarded? Whenever I looked deep enough to find an answer, a part of me just threw back denial at any possibility of it being true.

I never claimed to be woke or all-knowing but I didn’t say that because that starts a typical pattern of discussion.

I do care what he and many people think and it’s just damaging to pretend I don’t, but if I gave in to that and tried to correct him it would just build on how much I care. Trying to acknowledge it and let it pass.

I don’t blame him at all. This sounds like self-pity but I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’m still shook but I think I’ll be alright once I’m done processing it and acknowledging it all.

Again, I don’t blame him. I’m surprised it hasn’t come to this already

I guess this is the time something good came from being a dick.

I’m wondering if I get to say this is the meds. I get hella mood swings from my medication. Like super fast switches

I’m honestly a different person, entirely different personality, on this medication. My mood literally switches every couple of minutes, sometimes quicker. I would switch between mania and extreme irritability less than a minute apart from each other after starting the medicine.

I do believe that made me act like a dick to him and many people I know.

Am I allowed to say it’s not entirely my fault because of that though. Many others, including the old me would say I can’t. I’m still to blame. Any loss of control over self is just the result of me not manifesting the willpower to make a change within myself.

I do try to make this clear to anyone reading

but these are thoughts from deep down within

where things aren’t expressed with words, but just the understand of myself I only truly share with myself.

If you think you understand what I’m saying, you most likely don’t. Even if you think I’m wrong on that.

It’s the bane of my existence. Truly.

The feeling of not being understood while others say they understand.

If I say nobody understands me, or you don’t understand I become a cliche

and also people can respond with ‘I know I don’t understand, thats why im asking’.

when i try to help people understand my world, it leads to them understand less and less and less

while asking more and more and more

and I’ve seen it happen a thousand times... to me.

I know the pattern, exactly how it starts. When I notice that, I try to explain to them that I know how it starts. They’re just not going to understand the answers to the questions they ask, it’s an endless cycle.

They believe they’re different for some reason though, that they will be able to understand. Or that’s what it is on the surface. Really, I know they aren’t real and that they’re being controlled in a way to just enact conversations in a precise enough way to get to me.

I’m speaking in material world terms though.

They sometimes get offended when I insist they don’t understand.

when we eventually end up screaming at each other, because I gave into their persistence

and it plays out exactly how I knew it would

they say I don’t understand

then I point it out, they won’t understand. I’ve had this conversation many times before and you just won’t.

but they still persist and it just goes on

I forgotten how I started talking about all of this.

but yeah my boyfriend dumped me.

this is what I actually wanted but right now I’m still shocked. which is what happens.

I was a dick to him, and many other people. I’m surprised he stayed around that long. since february. half a year.

I’ve gotten fat since then. I’ve become very ugly. I’ve been very mean, very ignorant and just yeah not a nice partner.

also we never kissed lmao

never felt i could authentically go into kiss him

he did try once when we was at the door, but i turned my head and pretended to be looking at something. I pretended i didnt know.

honestly I prefer girls. i wont go into why, its just really my personal whatever you want to call it.

It’s how I feel. I don’t like females. almost none of them. It is sexism. that is the definition of what I feel. i wont try to convince anyone to think the same, or act in any way other than avoidance.

but after lots of observation i came to a conclusion. its a long winded one, and again, its something about me that I just know. I don’t have the feelings in words.

but yeah, I just dislike females. Almost all of them.

the ones I don’t like i must objectively admit, I hold them on a pedestal because im sort of crushing on them. they’re no different, despite that fact though.

i also struggle to talk to them. i also had a bad history with my mother and sisters.

you can blame it to that and i accept the possibility of it being down to that too. im not saying men are better (unless thats literally what im saying. its just sort of a stream of consciousness)

anyway yeah

im attracted to girls more but i dislike females

so i dont persue them

and if i ever do, im too fucking shy

like i cant make eye contact with them. im so chill around guys like my heart doesnt even race. im so authentic

but i just freeze and i dont know what to say

so yeah, i went for a boyfriend instead

yeah maybe sometimes im into that, but deep down its not a lot

maybe just as one night stands. as relationships it doesnt work.

and i guess thats part of why it fucked. I wasnt inclined to put the effort in after the initial manic phase of me falling for him

i like not using my phone. i ignore or dont even check messenger for days

i usually reply to my one main friend only, then ignore the rest. even that is around once every 4 hours at most.

and in person i treated him as more as one of my friends, not even a main main one. just a casual.

I also snapped and got moody about various things everytime i was around him.

it just builds up, and tonight i was being very moody. trying to make sure things go my way, because i didnt want a personal project to go differently to how i planned.

it meant alot but deep down. I wanted control

i felt like control was being taken from me, and that was one of my only forms of control. This is where I believe my ego is destroying my life(in one way), although idk how my ego comes into that.

i didnt want to admit that, even to myself

even though a part of me was acknowledging it at the time, while fearing i might continue to desire control

leading to psychotic breaks and a downward spiral in the years to come.

him and my main friend were taking the project into their own hands. scrapping my ideas for it, and replacing it with their ideas

they both agreed they was better ideas. im in denial but im making my self type, yes, they were better ideas than mine.

i didnt want to admit that. i didnt like that fact. it was threatening, and if a concept like that can be threatening, i presume my ego is involved.

on another note, im going to meet an internet friend, the end of this month, were gonna do shrooms and acid.

sure ego death likely isnt that simple but its worth a mention.

also ego is releated to sense of self and distinction between things in the universe. im not looking for ego death, per se (maybe i am and im just unaware), i just want to not care what people think and what way people might percieve me

so yeah. i was being moody and making sure my ideas were in there. while they insulted my plans together.

its not painful, but i physically felt a sigh of sadness in my chest.

ive felt much worse though. especially last time my bf dumped me. the first time he did. we didnt speak for a week. he came back. i went through so much pain in that time, that when he called me back and got back with me. i just didnt care. i met him like once a month after that and ignored him. surprisingly he took his time (months after that) to dump me too.

I know there’s a lot of great features about me, but theyre far from the surface

so i dont know why people stay with me for that long. there are no reasons for them to stay with me, that they can see without being me.

there really really are plenty more fish in the sea. fish much better for them.

so again. its a relief this happened. As long as he doesnt come back and develop on this.

as long as it ends clean like this. its all good.

I need time to process shock right now.

Also to truly acknowledge how I feel and just feel.

then he’s gone.

i dont have to worry about him. im also glad i got to use him for a project in time

needed him for something else but oh well. its not something he wanted to do though

and i wasnt being very grateful, just more demanding of him doing it.

we also had plans. me him and my main friend. but i didnt want him there because i just feel like its extra baggage.

so i dont have to worry about that

he got me a birthday present for my soon coming birthday.

idk what he plans to do with that but if its edible he can just eat it. if not, he has friends, they can have it.

this made me think though.

its understandable why he did this. he chose to leave because ultimately i was creating an unpleasant experience for us both while not actively trying to make a pleasant one.

the reason my friend hasnt left though, is simply because he’s loyal enough to stay that long. we have a stronger bond and feeling of understanding with each other. weve known each other very long and done a lot together

but how long until it becomes too unpleasant for him.

im aware i need to be kinder to him. i honestly dont feel i have the power to be nice when im in that state though

nobody on the outside can see that

its simply me being a dick

and whether meds are to blame or not, how long would he choose to be around that

he has plenty more options

and hes similar to me, he can just move on

i need to be more open to what he says

i need to let go of my desire for control

i dont need him,

but i want him in my life

to have him leave my life would be a huge change. hes the only reason i really stay in this country other than my doctors being here.

i want to explore usa, just party and do lots of shit

but i have a perceivable future with him

if he leaves i need to figure out a way to keep my health up, while in the US

change is an important part of my life. Change and adaptation.

thats not what is holding me back from him leaving

but I do want the future, that involves me and him going far.

Whether he takes me along or not he is going far

and i dont want to just be a leech, I want to be there with him

I also dont have anyone physically

that im as okay with as him

i dont want my mood swings to destroy friendship

im aware of it while its happening but i cant snap out of that.

its so strong. my exterior convinces my interior that i am right, therefore, i disagree wholly with him

when he’s almost always right

and its a shitty situation

i feel so strongly about it then, that this time i am definitely right. even though all the other times like this I was wrong

then later on, i reflect and realize he was right again while i had some hints of truth+logic but was wrong

how long is he going to put up with it?

is it long enough for the meds to be tapered down enough for the mood swings to disappear.

if so, will our friendship be as strong and undamaged as it is now, on the way out.

it would be foolish to tell him tonight because its 4:30

its the emotional irrational time of night.

but tomorrow i... i dont emotionally want to

but tomorrow i must tell him that im different on these meds

and i dont want to snap at him

im aware i do and that hes right

and most of all, i understand why my boyfriend left, and the reason my friend hasnt done so yet is because hes more loyal and connected to me

and that i dont want him, my friend, to leave. He has many valid reasons to, and im not the greatest friend

but i dont want him to leave. the others can leave. i dont give a shit and i havent for a very long time

but if any person is important to me, its him and my good health consultant.

not even family

just him

family have been a hindrance more than a help

he’s the one truth

i dont know what that means

but i tried to type what he is quicker than i could think as to be as honest as i could with myself.

hes the worthy one in this unreal universe. the one who can succeed. who deserves it.

the one i want to succeed.

if i dont succeed, i want him to. whether i do or dont

if i die and lose everything

i want all my potential to go into him so he can use it for good.

i dont want to cause him to leave, and i must ask for his understanding and patience until im off the medicine

my personality and how i even feel placed in this world is so different

i was extremely dissociative off the medicine

and i know, off the medicine i will think/realize that the medicine is just used as a means to host me

make me the same as everyone else and stop me from thinking freely. its thought control

and thats the truth but ill be much more aware of it off the meds

like i literally just

wow

extremely dissociated is all i can hope to say

you wouldnt get it unless you felt the level yourself

but on them

im like a moody, menstrual 15 year old girl

#personal #prais #ekek #sorry for defiling your name like that #boyfriend

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alsodiplodocus · 7 years

Text

“Eingriff” (Intrusion) (Growth pt. 2) (2016)

This bit of “Growth” is a lot more meditative and actually does not have much happening in it, but exists to explain what on earth happened at the end of that last one and tie into the third part (that one’s my favourite). I tried to still make it exciting to read, though. “Traum Series” vibes are strong with this particluar bit.

Click this thing to get to the story:

I still can't really describe what happened next. It was as if my whole overgrown body just seperated itself from me, and I became part of something entirely new. I had nothing left to feel who I am or where I was. The only thing I was left with were my own thoughts. But while I tried to gather what is happening to me, something starts intervening from outside, as if it wants to talk to me. It was a voice, but not the type of voice you would experience through sound. It was as if it is speaking directly to my thoughts.

It was a conversation consisting of pure exchange of thoughts: There was no sound, no form, it was just a direct connection to my though. Conversation without sound is actually a pretty wonderful thing - without the necessity to push everything through the air, everything is suddenly a lot clearer and faster: The speed of thought surpasses that of sound. There was nothing foreign in this, actually it was the contrary. The voice i was percieving was the most natural thing I could imagine. It was all very familiar, as if it was nested somewhere in my thoughts all this time, but didnt decide to speak up until then. And now, with my body swallowed by plants lying somewhere in my bedroom, I understood it for the first time in my life. "Ah, finally I found you", the voice conveyed. "If you werent so stuck up behind all that steel and concrete, we would get to know each other much earlier. But you remained hidden and did not leave me any other choice. You cant just hide from me all of your life, though." It was in this moment that I realized how all of this must somehow make sense - the news report warning me about wild plants in the middle of New York, the roots and plants that somehow got into my room. And now this voice... I tried to formulate some answer, but that was not necessary. Communication through thought does not need formulation, and apparently this... thing, whatever it is, was following along. "You might ask yourself, who is talking to you. Or what happened to the outside world and your body. I know, it's all very sudden. Normally this isnt how I act. I will explain everything, I will show you everything, and I will let you roam free again. But only if you agree that the dream you once had might never come to fruition."

I still wasnt certain about who or what in ungodly hell is in my head, but it seemed to be benevolent. But the voice was far from done. "As always you are clueless. Just like the rest of your sick race. ALl your life I was part of you, but you never tried to acknowledge me like in this moment. I have been waiting for you! But well, let me tell you who I am first - well, actually, you have known me all your life. You were born from me, and one day you will return. I am in all that you see and hear every day, and without me, you would never have existed in the first place. Allow me to introduce myself: I am nature. So this is what it feels like to have contact to nature itself. This is why I was not feeling anything wrong as it suddenly started to talk to my thoughts. And this is why the wonder of the New York plant breakout happened - something must have deeply disturbed nature, and now it has come to get me. "Well, and you needed this long to get it, honey?", the voice interrupts me.

"And yes, of course that is why I took your body. Nobody else would do it. I might seem harsh, but I'm just doing this to stop you and protect both myself, you and the rest of your kind. Don't worry, it's not all over yet. I'm just correcting the course of our shared life for a bit. Soon you can let off steam again, and it will all continue as it once went.

I'm sure thousands of questions are plaguing you, but lets begin with the obvious: Yes, I have been watching you from your birth. I have been watching before, even. I was watching everyone. Even now, my eyes are everywhere. I know what you think, I know your plans, and I understand you like no one else does, not even you. I also know you tried to hide your plans, but you don't get past me. You just don't. You just have to understand one simple thing. From the beginning of time, when everything was in its initial state, it was all balanced according to my slowly evolving scheme. I give, and I take. Just like I took you, even though I'm usually not as obvious about it. It was like this before you joined me, and I was most definetely sure it would stay: You come and you go. And now please dont start whining about how it all was not enough. I have always given what you ask of me. You always had more than enough to enjoy your time here, but you just weren't content like everyone else. You just didn't stop. This seperates you. Every time I have created something, it has gone, and it seemed alright that way - but not for you. Something in you would just not accept things to leave. In no time, you have worked yourself up on the list of priorities, cramming yourself in at number one and clinging to that spot like nobody else. You would start documenting and describing everything you could touch and started just taking things without asking. That's not nice. You always were a worrisome child. It was as if you're just digging a tunnel into some alien mountain, without ever wondering what is on the other side or why you're digging at all: No matter what's over there, it had to come to the lught. And it seemed completely normal for you to just risk everything for it. You, your achievements, your environment.

And somehow you managed to live like that, until you came in. Nothing was enough for you, you always stole more energy in the name of everyone around you. But did you even know what you would do with it? If your little sphere of glass and wire would eventually do everything you set out for it, you would not have any boundaires anymore. And do you know, what happens if you dont give a human boundaries? Well, one thing is for sure, not many of you would be left. You don't understand, what you have made there isn't just a lot of energy. It would burn the rules I have set up. You might have a lot of knowledge about me and how i work, but it seems you don't know anything about the rest of your own species. At some point only one of you godless ones would remain, I would be helpless, and your creation would be the reason for the destruction of your own little world.

I'm not going to let that happen. I have stopped your plan already, but that's not enough. Wether you know it or not, one of your friends has told most of New York of what you were doing. You are stopped, and the rest of them must follow. People are going to write out today as an odd science experiemnt causing plants to grow faster, with the effect getting out of hand. Nobody would believe I came to stop anything. I am sorry."

And with those words, the monolithic voice just stopped. If all I have heard was true, things had no other way to go: Nature has taken all that has made me myself: My inventions, my environment, my body. All that just to not let itself be in harms way any longer. My old self died and all that came with it - however, things seem to not have ended for me. The voice appears again. "Of course our story wont end here, I thought through it all. Otherwise I would not be stuck in this situation. I still need you. Without you, the plan stops here. To create order once again, I will have to first finish what I started in New York, and then I will give you a new body to continue living without my further intervention. But you will keep your little infinity sphere for yourself. If not, I will knock at your door. And this time, I know where you are. Understood? Alright. Then let me begin with the rest of my plan. Just enjoy the view."

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