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kikis-writing-service · 3 years

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Spicy Curry (Bakugou Katsuki x F!Reader) Chapter 3

Summary: Pro-hero Dynamight hides his developing hearing loss from the public. He doesn’t want them or the villains to know about what he considers his only weakness. His family knows. His best friends know. And now you, the owner of his favorite little curry shop, know. You want to live a quiet life & to protect your son. The last thing you want is to draw attention to yourself. You hide your identity, you hide your scars, and you hide your quirk. And then Bakugou, Katsuki walks in one day with dried blood on his ears, and you can’t help but help him.

Parts: 1 2 3 4 5 ? ? ? ? ?

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Content Warning: This fic will contain mentions of past abuse from a “partner”, including sexual assault.

🖤 🖤 🖤 🖤 🖤 🖤 🖤 🖤 🖤 🖤

Katsuki hadn't noticed his hearing slipping away. It was a slow thief, stealing whispers, rustling leaves, nightsong hums, and chirping dawns. The first shock came on a rainy day. Kirishima, drenched and shivering, had been met with a blank stare. No thunder, no drumming on the roof, no warning. Just silence. His mom, bless her meddling ways, dragged him to the doctor. The verdict: "lucky," they called it. Quirks have their prices, and his was paid. Weeks of disbelief gnawed at him. Just as he'd clawed his way up the hero ranks, his own damn quirk betrayed him.

He buried it, but his mom, ever the loudspeaker, spilled the beans to his friends. Even Deku, not a friend but a tangled past, knew. He led Katsuki to Hatsume, the gadget queen, who crafted hearing aids. A cloak of amplified whispers and muffled roars offered a hollow semblance of security. Yet, here he was, adrift in a sea of silence. He'd trade it all for tinnitus' maddening whine.

Panic, a cold snake, coils around his chest. A great hero wouldn't crack. They wouldn't drown in self-pity. They'd roar back at fate, fists clenched. Fear has no place in a hero's heart.

His lungs constrict, his breaths shallow and gasping. Great heroes fight, never yielding. But what weapon can he wield against his own body? Against a quirk that chains him?

A searing warmth on his cheek breaks the suffocating spiral. He blinks, focusing on the pair of bright eyes staring back. Your hand, a silent beacon, lingers on his face. Your lips move, a blur he deciphers with desperate focus.

"You're okay," you repeat, the thought of your voice a calming balm against the storm raging inside him. He imagines the familiar lilt in your tone, the quiet strength that has always grounded him, starkly contrasting the roaring silence he now knows. Each word feels like a lifeline, pulling him back from the abyss of panic.

Your hand retreats, then cups his trembling one. His massive hand swallows yours whole. You keep talking, lips forming silent words, pausing only to steal a nervous breath. Your fingers trace a rhythm on his palm, pulling him back to familiar ground. The rhythm sparks a memory, a melody. Music blooms in his mind, pushing back the encroaching darkness. He breathes, slow and steady.

Twelve minutes pass, heavy and silent. Only the rhythm in his head, a silent symphony you conjured, keeps him anchored. Hours could have melted into that stillness were it not for your gentle hand ushering him toward the counter.

Reality slams like a cold wave, dispelling the comforting warmth of your touch. Embarrassment, hot and prickly, replaces the icy fear. How could he crumble like that in front of someone who barely knew him?

As you slip behind the counter, turning on the muted TV, the scrolling words on the screen capture his attention. You place the remote within reach, an unspoken invitation he hesitates to take.

"Wait," your lips form the word, fingers flexing in a familiar dance. He catches your meaning, a spark of understanding flickering in his gaze. "Food." Your hand mimes the act of eating, and this time, the message pierces through the fog.

"You know sign language?" His voice grates in his ears, distorted and unfamiliar. You're looking at him now, a warm smile blooming on your face.

"Yes," your fingers translate.

"I... uh," he sputters. "Know a bit."

"I'll keep it simple," you assure him, then disappear into the back. He clicks his tongue, staring blankly at the TV until a buzz vibrates against his leg.

Katsuki pats his pocket, phone buzzing heavily in his hand. He unlocks it, bracing himself for the digital storm. Five missed calls from his mom, a single text demanding he answer. Kirishima's messages pile up – three frantic questions, a plea to call his mom. Kaminari chimes in, adding fuel to the worried fire. Deku's single text cuts through the noise, a simple "hospital?" echoing his own anxieties. Sero and Mina's messages are a whirlwind of concern, punctuated by Mina's trademark enthusiasm.

Katsuki's finger hovers over the call button beside his mom's name. He stares, a familiar frustration building. What's the point? He presses the button anyway, the phone ringing a silent symphony in his ear. His teeth clench, and with a sigh, he ends the call.

The open message thread with his mom mocks him. He types, "I'm okay," the words hollow even to him. Sending it, then repeating it to Mina, feels like dropping pebbles into a bottomless well. Not enough, but all he can manage in this soundless world.

A steaming plate materializes before Katsuki, jolting him back to reality. He blinks, his senses primed for the sizzling promise of curry, only to meet the fluffy, innocent eyes of an omelet rice. Your eyes, apologetic and understanding, hold a silent explanation. Your fingers dance, forming a familiar circle with a slash through it – the sign for "no" that Katsuki recognizes. Then, a strange, curving shape follows, one he can't decipher.

"What's that?" he mumbles, mimicking your hand gesture clumsily.

A playful smile flits across your face. You repeat the unfamiliar shape, emphasizing its curves with exaggerated movements. Katsuki's gaze follows your hands, a crease forming on his brow. He notices the telltale redness on your palm and a hint of pain in your eyes.

"Curry," you mouth, the word a whisper of regret and a promise of warmth. Katsuki grunts, the sound rough in the sudden quiet.

"You're hurt," he states, his gaze drawn back to your hand.

"You too," your fingers reply, a playful eyebrow arching. Katsuki scoffs, a reluctant smile tugging at his lips.

"Eat," you sign, your gesture firm yet gentle. With a sigh, he picks up his fork, delving into the unexpected comfort of the omelet rice. As he eats, the ache in his muscles eases, the weariness in his eyes lifting. The simple act of nourishment fills him, a silent symphony of shared hardship and unspoken understanding warming him from within.

After polishing his plate, Katsuki meets your gaze. "Your curry's better," he rasps, his voice unfamiliar, distant. He freezes, eyes widening. Had that been him? He glances at the TV, a faint murmur confirming it's on, but the words remain a blurry mess. Confusion creases his brow as he turns back to you.

"Can you hear me?" your voice and hands echo the question. The words are muffled, some syllables swallowed by the static in his ears.

"A bit," he mumbles, narrowing his eyes.

"Your hearing didn't come back as much as I'd hoped," you say, projecting your voice, signing alongside your words. "A doctor's visit wouldn't hurt."

Katsuki's breath hitches. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Your eyes widen. You've slipped. A nervous bite at your lip as you stare at the simmering anger in his gaze.

"If you did anything to me, you better—” he stops, seeing your lips move.

“You’re a hero,” you say. Your voice is quieter. Katsuki can barely pick up that you are even speaking. He relies on your signs to make out what you are saying. “I can trust you, right?”

Katsuki's years of hero instincts flare, alert despite the ringing in his ears.

“Yeah.”

"This stays between us," you signed, urgency in your eyes. "My quirk, it puts healing into food."

Katsuki stared, processing the revelation. "Then why work here?" he demanded, the absurdity of it all stinging. "That's a damn powerful quirk."

You shake your head, the motion vehement. "I belong here. Please, don't tell anyone."

He eyes you with suspicion, but a grudging nod is all the answer you get. The silent pact hangs between you, a fragile thread in the wake of his shattered world.

Katsuki's eyes narrow at the raw burn on your hand. "Why haven't you healed that with your fancy quirk?"

Your gaze meets his, defiance flickering in your eyes. "Can't heal myself."

"Dumbass quirk," he mutters, already heading to the back counter. "First aid kit?"

"Yeah, why?" you ask, brows furrowed.

"Fixing your hand," he declares, not turning back. "You won't, I will."

Silence stretches between you, thick with tension. Finally, you sigh, a silent concession. "Only if... you let me help your ears."

Katsuki clicks his tongue, but a reluctant nod follows.

He washes his hands, then crosses the counter. You grab the kit, the silence broken only by the clinking of bottles. He takes your hand, his touch surprisingly gentle as he runs it under the cool water. You flinch at the sting, but he holds firm, carefully cleaning the burn.

"Nasty burn for a cook," he remarks, applying salve.

"Not from cooking," you mutter, your voice barely audible. The proximity, the quiet, allow Katsuki to decipher the words. His eyes narrow as he reaches for the bandages.

"Then how'd you get this?" he asks, wrapping your hand with practiced ease. You bite your lip, refusing to meet his gaze. The unspoken question hangs heavy in the air until he releases your hand.

"Thanks," you signed, grabbing the kit. "Your turn. Stool," you add, pointing to the one behind the counter.

Katsuki huffs but doesn't argue. He sits, a grudging acceptance settling over him. As you work on his ears, the silence is no longer tense but a shared space, a fragile bridge built over the chasm of his sudden silence.

The antiseptic sting jolts Katsuki. You clean his ears with practiced precision, your every movement methodical, devoid of hesitation. He watches, fascination battling his simmering frustration. Your hands, surprisingly steady, hint at a quiet competence born of experience.

"Doctor wouldn't hurt," you say again, packing away the kit. "My quirk ain't a miracle cure." Katsuki's lips press into a thin line, his crimson gaze holding yours captive. Your eyes flicker away, and he thinks he sees a hint of discomfort.

"Phone's ringing," you point out. Katsuki grits his teeth, the buzzing vibration a silent taunt against his deafness. He reaches across the counter, the familiar screen glaring with his mother's name. His thumb hovers over the answer button, shaking just slightly. He holds it there until the call dies, leaving behind a stark "1 Missed Call."

Katsuki slams the phone down, a sigh escaping his clenched jaw. He meets your gaze, your brow furrowed with concern. The dam of frustration threatens to burst under your gentle watch. The silence stretches, heavy with unspoken words. You stand there, offering only patience as his eyes smolder like caged embers. Then, like a tide receding, the anger ebbs, leaving a vast, chilling emptiness behind.

"Do you think... is this it for me?" Katsuki rasps, doubt twisting his voice.

The weight of his question presses down on you. You take a step closer, the counter the only barrier between you. "No," you say, your voice steady. "I mean, normally hearing comes back, but... I don't know what's happening in your body. I'm no doctor. It could get worse." Katsuki frowns, a flicker of fear in his eyes.

"But even if it does," you continue, your voice firm, "I know you, of all people, wouldn't let that stop you. You're Dynamight, the goddamn explosion hero. I've seen you blast through villains on TV." Katsuki's cheeks flush, a flicker of warmth replacing the cold fear.

"And no matter how bad things look, you always pull through, right?" you add, a smile playing on your lips. Katsuki clicks his tongue, feigning annoyance, but a smirk tugs at his mouth.

"So, you been watching me on TV, huh?" he teases, a playful glint in his eyes.

"Only when it's on," you defend, signing along with your words. "After all, you're the only hero I've met in person. Lucky me, right?" you counter, a playful grin mirroring his. Katsuki huffs, an unfamiliar warmth creeping up his neck.

The silence hangs heavy, punctuated only by the clatter of dishes. Katsuki mumbles an apology, the words clumsy on his tongue. "Sorry for... everything." He offers a half-hearted shrug. "I can, uh, pay you back for the food?"

You shake your head. "Don't worry about it," you sign, a mischievous glint in your eyes. "But I do want one thing."

Katsuki stiffens. "What?"

"I can't seem to remember your actual name," you admit. "What is it?"

The question catches him off guard. "Um, Bakugou, Katsuki," he mumbles.

"Do you have a name sign?" you ask, a flicker of curiosity in your eyes. Katsuki frowns, the concept unfamiliar. He vaguely recalls his mother mentioning them, back when he grudgingly learned some sign language.

"No. Never needed one."

You hum, pondering for a moment. "How about," you sign, your fingers dancing in the air, forming the familiar shape for "explosion."

Katsuki recognizes it instantly. "Creative," he mutters, a hint of amusement in his voice. "What's yours?"

"Don't have one," you shrug. Katsuki raises an eyebrow, disbelief etched on his face. "Never needed one either."

He scoffs, a playful smirk tugging at his lips. "Then I'll use this." His hands move clumsily, yet the sign for "curry" comes through clearly.

"Who's not creative now?" you chuckle, the sound filling the silence like warm sunlight. Katsuki scowls, but a faint blush creeps up his neck as he leans closer, trying to catch the echoes of your laughter.

#spicy curry #bnha imagine #mha imagine #bakugou katsuki imagine #bakugou imagine #katsuki imagine #bakugou katsuki x reader #bakugou x reader #katsuki x reader #katsuki angst #bakugou angst

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starshipsofstarlord · 3 years

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I Miss Him

Pairings | Liam Dunbar x reader. Past Brett Talbot x reader.

Summary | previously, you had dated Brett, a while before you and Liam began to kick it together. But now he’s dead, and you can’t help but mourn for your ex boyfriend, he was not only that to you, but also a good friend.

Warnings | mentions of death, mourning, loss, angst

Requested ✖️

Quick link to my masterlist, if you’re interested in reading more of my crap 😬

The hunters were out of control, acting out of fear, taking innocent lives, all because they thought that it would ensure their safety. To their mortal dismay however, they did not acknowledge that there was something more intricate at play, twisting their wills, and bending them to its deadly whim.

But they didn’t know the first thing about supernatural species, in fact, you were a lot like them. You loved, and endured loss, the pain of such a thievery almost breaking your heart.

Liam felt guilty, from where he sat in class, watching you. He could sense you wanted to rip Gabe’s throat out for his loyalty to Monroe. He too had that desire, but upon Scott’s orders, and against his impulsive wishes, he remained silent, and tried to blend in.

But he was well aware, since that night, all eyes were on him, piercing him with their scared and revolted judgement. They had seen a truth that they had not been prepared for, and the idea of creatures that stalked and preyed under the moonlight, walking around in human skin, terrified all of them.

It was her fault that Lorrie and Brett were killed, she was going to pay. Your claws gouged the underneath of your desk, lightly picking away the wood with ease.

To say you were infuriated was understatement. Every possible emotion burdened you, and it made you feel utterly heart broke. Brett Talbot had been your first love, and whilst the two of you had eventually broken up, things ended pm good terms.

The image of his body, covered by Lori’s surrendered one haunted you. If you hadn’t tried to keep up with the chase, and not ended the new hunters, you’d mistake yourself for suffering from symptoms to poisoning too.

“He’s a monster.” The words met your ears, and that voice belonged to the murderer that you knew to be Gabe. “Dunbar is going to be next, we just need to expose him first.”

Your eyes rapidly fluttered around the room, inspecting every corner with your hyperactive sight. Liam was their new target, and it brought a burning wrench within your gut, one of which you tried to control.

For now, it was all talk. But that said, the humans would eventually take action to strike, and you’d be damned if you lost another loved one; especially Liam.

The lacrosse players exited the coach, carrying their tactical bags, as you absentmindedly trailed behind them, smiling up at Brett as he stood tall among the herd. Breathing in the fresh air, you reeled your mind blank for a moment, until you heard disruptive chatter, that sounded like it was going south.

Once you returned to your conscious senses, you saw your boyfriend talking down to a shorter boy, who wore an unimpressed expression. It was Liam Dunbar, the by that had moved to this school after his anger problems had gotten out of hand - literally.

Holding your head high, you walked over to the small group of players that had gathered,and were demeaning the blonde. Calling out Brett’s name he slowly turned towards you, his brow firmly raised. He hardly moved your intent for interrupting his latent and distressed discussion, and so you grabbed his elbow, pulling him away.

Before walking away with your long legged partner, you sent Liam a calm smile, only to end up dragging the werewolf towards the back of the bus, leaving Liam’s new friends in a state of relief. A cocky smile forged onto his face, as he trapped you against the weight carrying vehicle, leaning down so that his tender and luscious lips were fanning air upon your own.

“Did someone get all hot and bothered seeing me put Dunbar in his place?” He snickered, and whilst you usually adored his humour, now was not the time nor place for it predominant presence. At his usual self and words, you contained an infatuated grin, up keeping your stern expression towards him.

“You are here to play lacrosse, not tick off Liam.” You reminded him, swatting his face away as he tried to apologetically peck you. “No Brett, you can sense it too. The change practically reeks off him,he’s one of us.”

“It’s all fun and games.” He tried to reason, but you weren’t having it. And so you crossed your arms over the other upon your chest, harmlessly glaring up at him.

“When you’re n that position, it isn’t. It’s something you need experienced, you were born a wolf, a lot of us weren’t. And let me tell you, when the first first begins to make you into something else, it didn’t easy. So cut Liam some slack, would you? For me?”

A light scoff exited Brett’s mouth, but eventually, with the aid of your prone flowering, he gave in, tipping his head back, and groaning. “You bring out the best in me, and as much as i love t, at times it can be a pain in the ass.”

“Well,” you began, warmly squinting your eyes at the boy. “I’m your pain in the ass. And I’d say you have quite a nice ass.” You smirked.

“You always know what to say to pull me back.” He moved closer and this time you allowed him to close the space between you. In fact, you relished in it, falling deeper for the Devenford Prep student, with every word that the pair of you exchanged.

A deep breath caused you to falter your staring into nothingness. As you looked to the side, you noticed Liam knelt beside you, clasping your face. And that was when you realised that class must have been over, for the room was entirely empty.

“Hey, you good gorgeous?” Liam asked, cradling your jaw as though it would break under your touch. He was admittedly worried, you didn’t have the best record for controlling the inner animal. During class,he thought he may have needed to stop you from killing Gabe.

To everyone’s luck, that wasn’t necessary, and everyone was still alive... or, at least, almost everyone was. It would merely be a matter of time until Gerard got the war that he wanted, it clearly had already began.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You mumbled, feeling comfort in the warmth of his hand. It was one of the few things that could bring you any kind of calm and steadiness in these dire times.

“How’d you stop yourself?” He also had troubles with control, the conflict of his inner nature and his inwards anger had never been friends. Slowly, you licked your lips, as you scrambled for the answer, unaware that it had been right in front of you all this time.

“Brett, he’s- or at least, the memory of him - is my anchor.” You tried to explain, a furrow on your face as the mere mention of the boy, and the thought of him alongside his dear sister set you into ample mourning. Instead of saying anything more, Liam pulled your head down to curl against his shoulder, him sharing your pan and loss.

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emergingsentiments · 3 years

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Hometown Cha-Cha-Cha: Episode 8 (Repost)

If Hometown Cha-Cha-Cha’s Episode 8 is a body part, it would be the heart. Yes, we’re just halfway through the series and Dusik and Hyejin aren’t officially a couple yet. But this chapter of the show reveals a lot more about Mr. Hong and Dr. Yoon than any of the other episodes. It also lays bare the inner workings of Gongjin’s most prominent characters, deepening our understanding of the town’s sense of community and in the process the whys behind Dusik and Hyejin, too.

See, Gongjin’s greatest import is not its wealth of seafood. It's her stories. Every person in the village — both resident and visitor — has a history. Over the last few weeks, we’ve seen how this personal history has unfolded to define the present life of the characters. Many of them remain tethered to the past, not necessarily as some form of attachment, but most commonly to honor the people they’ve become. Infused into the salted air that breezes through Gonjin are struggles, victories, hurts, tragedies, silences, and mysteries. Weaved like a colorful fabric, they form the wisdom and home the town offers.

Namsook’s story is aptly tackled in this chapter of the heart. After all, Gongjin’s resident loudmouth seems to have none of it. Ruthlessly tactless, she appears incapable of living a day without prying into the lives of others or spreading rumors across town. For all her pomp, however, are weaknesses. She is, for one, quick to give in to Juri’s requests. Our rebellious teenager seems to have struck a chord — maybe even an alliance — with Namsook. So our gossip queen holds nothing when spoiling the girl. Her second fault is being naive about the stealth of today’s crimes. She is confidently naive, so almost loses her bucketload of cash to a phishing scam.

Fortunately, our lead love triangle of Hyejin, Dusik, and Seonghyun are in the right place and time. Who would have thought that, after their skirmishes, it would be Hyejin helping out the woman damaging her reputation? But Gonjin is full of surprises—and secrets. And Hwajung, too, is interested in filling in Hyejin about Namsook. After all, our dentist is practically a resident now.

To Hyejin, Hwajung explains what Namsook has been through. The lady lost a daughter to sickness. She was about Juri’s age, which explains Namsook’s affections for the teen. For one year after her daughter’s death, she withdrew to herself, lonely and voiceless. It’s a painful past that stands in stark contrast to the gossip-monger we know now. For the people of Gongjin, however, the insufferably loud Namsook is better than the alternative — a grief-soaked woman. It’s a moment telling about the townsfolk. These are people willing to understand because they know the other side of the story.

Hwajung, too, has her side. She’s still mum about it. While it’s clear her divorce revolved around a complicated relationship between Chohui and the increasingly annoying Yongguk, questions still linger. Why does she drive Chohui away when the homeroom teacher visits her? Why is she so afraid of Chohui’s kindness? Why doesn’t she approve of Chohui’s request that all three of them will be the same again? These are the questions I’m sure will be answered soon enough, much like the lingering mystery of who is the sexual predator prowling around town.

It’s this imminent threat that leads us to what Episode 8 wants to drive home. The heart has its stories but it’s also plagued by fears.

We see this in Dusik, most of all. With Seonghyun around, their brotherly dynamic has turned into a competition. Our variety show director, after all, has clearly expressed interest in his old friend, Hyejin. It’s an honesty that irks Dusik because it’s something he cannot do. Seonghyun’s gregarious demeanor also attracts Gongjin’s people. He seems just as capable as Dusik. He’s as polite and as strong. He even does the usual tasks for free, unlike Mr. Hong. For Dusik, Seonghyun’s movements encroach on the comfortable bed he sleeps on as Gongjin’s favorite handyman. Is he, after all, that replaceable? Beyond tasks, however, Dusik’s great fear now is if he’s also dispensable in the eyes of Hyejin.

Episode 8 plays around this fear in the form of jealousy. Here, Kim Seon Ho got the assignment down pat. In his portrayal of Mr. Hong, the insecurities show in petty retaliation and even pettier victories over Seonghyun. He acts unperturbed by Seonghyun’s moves towards Hyejin but is quick to interfere with the two’s intimacy. At one point in the episode, Dusik declines the umbrella offered by Hyejin and Seonghyun, acting like his usual independent self and then going through the pouring rain. His face, however, tells a different story, and you can sense in his nuanced gaze that Mr. Hong is gripped by the fear of losing to Seonghyun and thus losing Hyejin. Seonho demands that sympathy for Mr. Hong.

But what is Dusik’s claim over Hyejin anyway? He’s the one who proposed they stay as friends, which was more an attempt to mask his truest feelings. He acts cavalier but is the one most deeply affected. Because from the start, Dusik already saw Hyejin in a different light. She was the lamp that brought an unexpected light to the hidden darkness of his soul. But because of his past, Dusik knows pursuing anything deeper will have its risks. Considering his losses, was it worth it to take that step? It’s what drives him crazy. It’s that fear knowing he is already in love and he must make a choice soon.

And what about Hyejin? Does she know, too? Is she aware of what burns inside her — that it isn’t just the heat and headiness from the alcohol? If Dusik knows and hesitates, then Hyejin is the one still learning but who rushes forward. She doesn’t waver in asking Dusik to look for her missing shoe. She follows Mr. Hong’s lead about where to stay and what to do in Gongjin. She lets herself be pulled from her slumber to help clean the town. She yields to Dusik’s request to drive him and three old ladies to Seoul. She agrees to meet the townsfolk halfway. She sits next to him like it's second nature to be beside him. She plays with Dusik in the rain. She lunges forward to give him a kiss. And she almost steals another in Dusik’s sleep.

What is wrong with her, she asks? Nothing. It’s not what’s wrong. It’s what is right with her. Hyejin recognizes that while she and Dusik didn’t exactly start off on the right foot, he’s been that one person in this previously unfamiliar town who had put up with her early pretensions. In hindsight, those were defenses. Losing her mother and having been disdained by a former lover, Hyejin had to put up her hedgehog spines — impossible standards, superficial fronts, defense mechanisms. Meeting Dusik — who perhaps unbeknownst to both have crossed paths before — has assured Hyejin to be herself, to let down her guard.

Mr. Hong’s lived wisdom speaks to Dr. Yoon’s soft interior. Like the cha cha cha, they’re dancing to a beat only they hear — forward and backward, side steps and then together, missteps and miscues — and figuring it out. Dusik and Hyejin are trying to understand each other because the alternative no longer makes sense.

They say the opposite of love isn’t hatred but fear. Dislike doesn’t discourage us from loving. Fear does. We fear rejection, like Hwajung. We fear failing to meet the expectations of our partners, like Chohui. We fear being alone, like Gamri. We fear, most of all, losses, like Namsook. But if sacred scripture can be accommodated to speak its truth, we know in love there is no fear. And if the people of Gongjin are tasked to offer advice, it is to at the very least, try. That's the best way to become certain about what you're meant to do.

It’s only apt then that, faced with lurking danger in town, it is Dusik who welcomes Hyejin like a safe harbor for a ship to anchor from the storm. It’s only apt that it’s Hyejin who lunges towards Dusik, and that it is Dusik who, initially prepared to close himself off from anything that would risk breaking his heart again, opens his arms. But he doesn’t just let her in. He holds her, too. Hyejin escapes her fear while Dusik overcomes it.

Dusik, the man who wouldn’t deal with anything alive at home, has taken in something more than a hedgehog. He’s taken someone with a beating heart, more alive than anything he’s held for as long as he could remember. But Dusik takes one more step forward. He returns the favor, puts his arm around Hyejin in awe and surrender.

Maybe she remembers now that second drunken night outside Dusik’s home. And maybe Hyejin mutters to herself as Dusik did, don’t go.

The opposite of love is not, as we many times or almost always think, hatred, but the fear to love, and fear to love is the fear of being free. – Paulo Freire

#hometown cha cha cha #hometownchachacha #homcha #kim seon ho #Shin Min Ah #kdrama #korean drama

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raayllum · 3 years

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Just like I thought s3 didn’t wrap up Rayla’s self worth issues (as TTM now pushes to the forefront), I didn’t think that s2 or s3 wrapped up Callum’s. His line “What am I if not a mage?” in Callum’s Spellbook highlighted that, as even though it’s supposed to be victorious, it shows a worrying line of thinking. As someone who feels very similarly towards my writing as Callum does towards his magic, I also had to work exceedingly hard all throughout my teen years to not attach my self worth to my writing and instead have it be attached to myself as an intrinsic thing (aka I beat off moving my sense of self worth from my school work to my writing with a stick). And while Callum finding out he had magic inside him, always, and just had to figure it out is a wonderful boost to his self confidence (as s3 shows) I wouldn’t be surprised if he has developed, “I have worth because I’m a mage” not “I have worth regardless of my usefulness or skill because I’m a person.”

How Rayla and Callum respond to their trauma also fits their personalities. Callum attempts to help and connect (staying and yelling to Harrow in 1x03; trying to jump in after Ezran in 1x06; going to Rayla for understanding and comfort in 2x03; extending kindness to Bait in 2x05/2x06; being frustrated he can’t help in 2x07; navigating his conscience with help from each of his parents in 2x08/2x09; opening up about his feelings in 3x06; jumping after Rayla in 3x09; looking for solutions and advice from Lujanne and magic in TTM). Rayla tries to detach and protect, so that the risk is all on her shoulders (lying to Runaan in 1x01; protecting the princes in 1x03 even at risk to her life and telling them to leave her to deal with the threat; not telling the boys about the binding and Harrow; trying to deal with her guilt all by herself in 3x04 and 3x08; etc).

I don’t even necessarily think there is a shift, because they’re still moving in the cyclical, circular sort of patterns their arcs always have. For example: 1x03 is the split with & loss of both their father figures. 2x03 deals with the fallout of Callum’s choices loss, and 3x03 deals with the fallout of Rayla’s choices of loss. TTM deals with their evolved relationship to loss, of Callum being bright eyed and more optimistic/reassured (like always) and Rayla being more often stuck and looking for atonement to deal with her guilt. Except now in TTM, their relationship is the emotional anchor and a way to explore that grief, and how it manifests in new fears (i.e. losing each other – a trajectory that Rayla hit earlier and harder.)

So a lot of their healing will be centred on each other, because that’s where some of the core wound is, and also how they can help each other heal as friends, partners, and significant others in order for them to help save others (themselves and Rayla’s coined parents, possibly Pip Harrow, and like, the world alongside Ezran’s aid).

Callum has self worth issues, but they’re not self destructive (in 1x02 he sacrifices himself but argues for his life anyway; in 2x04 he goes out into the storm and pulls back of his own accord) in the same way that Rayla operates – if anything, they tend to be more self destructive to the people around him (his temper hurting Ezran’s feelings in 1x02/1x09, his pursuit of magic putting Zym and Rayla in a lot of danger, etc). Rayla, meanwhile, argues against him for her own death (3x08) and engages in behaviour that is self destructive primarily to herself, obviously, but also to her relationships (1x06, 3x04, TTM).

Not all of Callum and Rayla’s selfless acts are bad things - many of them are good things. But like most actual people, their greatest strengths are also their greatest flaws, it’s just all a matter of circumstance.

I also think on Callum’s side, TTM does a very good job at showing the “quieter” side of trauma because he doesn’t have the same irritability or outbursts. If anything, by trying to be supportive, he can sometimes enable Rayla’s and his own morally dubious behaviour (i.e. having zero problems with lying to Lujanne, even when Rayla does). I think @numptypylon talked about it in fics, but Callum could’ve pointed it out to Rayla that is isn’t her job or responsibility to make sure Viren is dead - there are adults that can do that - but he and Rayla have both become so used to not being able to rely on older figures and having to be hyper-competent that Callum’s solution is to try and make sure he can go with her to hunt down a dangerous madman.

TLDR; it’s complicated, but TTM portrays Callum’s trauma more than just fine, imo. I’m also not worried about negative character development, cause that’s exactly what s3 was for Claudia and Viren, and what TTM was for Rayla in many aspects, by and large.

#i love me some good trauma induced negative character development and then recovery and forging a new identity in the aftermath #it is a story arc i have written Many times by now #mental health #through the moon #analysis series #analysis #personal fave #get in loser we're grabbing braincells #every separation is a link

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jack-is-lost · 3 years

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If you made your own, perfect, self indulgent film, or series, what would it be about, look like and what details would be essential?

Hmm, hard to say, really. I feel I’ve pondered over something similar in the past, which resorted to more fanfiction ideas, but I never delved too deep. Besides, what I might reply with now could evolve into an entirely different indulgent weeks, months, or a year from now. I’ll do my best to answer, though! Fair warning topics of death, and all that comes with it, are mentioned.

First, due to my unhealthy obsession, it would be supernatural-themed. Most likely a world where they are coexisting with humans, the average beings, but not exactly out publicly. I enjoy that world-building structure that, for the most part, humanity goes about their life unbeknownst that these ‘stories’ they’ve grown up with hold actual physical truth to them — not just metaphorical.

Another weakness of mine is taking a normal person and having them fall down this rabbit hole into the unknown. Preferably due to a life-altering situation. The reason the supernatural world reveals itself to the protagonist needs to be dire, blood pumping, and basically thrilling. I don’t mind the whole ‘I fell in love with so-and-so and now I’m apart of their world’, but I would avoid it being the pivotal point in my film/series.

Instead, it is a friend and the life-altering situation would be a near-death moment. These would be essential, the turning points and anchor. Perhaps, the protagonist was out hanging with a friend they’ve known all their life, through school (currently in high-school), and that night things uncontrollably go downhill. Many thoughts come to mind of how it would go down; car accident, being held at gunpoint while at a convenience store, a freak accident at a theme park. Something out of their hands that causes the friend to act or else death would occur. It is heated, no thought just action, and suddenly there are so many questions needing to be answered. So the protagonist starts to fall down that metaphorical hole into wonderland, but — like in so many already established films/shows — having a mortal being apart of their world is dangerous. Dangerous for them and the beings hidden within plain sight. Yes, what their friend did was heroic but also frowned upon by their own kind. Discussion of what to do with the protagonist is heavy on everyone’s mind. Change them? Wipe their memory? Kill them? Within days of having their eyes open to so much, enough time to have the confusion and fear evolve into wonderment, it is decided to repress their memories. Like a fish caught on a hook, the protagonist is tossed back to sea to blindly follow the current. What I’ve mentioned would be the first portion of a film or the first few episodes of the series. It builds up, allowing the audience to know there is more — to gain a taste of wanting to only be denied alongside the main character. To also dig emotionally deeper, said friend has to distance themself in fear of triggering memories. Something could cause those repressed life-changing moments to unravel, so they back off. Calls start to go unanswered, text messages are few and in-between, and physically hanging out just stops altogether. This makes the protagonist at first resentful, upset not knowing what they did wrong — if they did anything wrong. They simply shrug it off at one point, deciding that — like so many friendships often due, theirs is simply fading. So life goes on and a time skip occurs. It is the beginning of the build-up that leads to the middle of the film/series. The protagonist is older, perhaps in their late twenties to early thirties, and they’ve followed this path to become a Crime Scene/Homicide Investigator. Known as a specialist in their field and very dedicated to their work. As the movie/series builds up to that middle act, their world once again starts to ripple like a reflection on water. Especially as they are called to an unusual scene. It is gruesome, animalistic, limbs were strewn across the dark street. And, as they kneel down to pull back the tarp to have a good look at the victim, another investigator crouches beside them. Something is off by how this person’s gaze takes in the scene, how their voice mutters visual statements, and this familiar pull inside their own head. Our protagonist has this inkling feeling they’ve met before. It isn’t until their eyes meet that it dawns on them. Despite it being more than a decade with no contact, it is their friend right beside them. They are older, face harder. Somehow, without any influence on each other, they’ve walked the same career path. And, without purposefully meaning to, found themselves teaming up as districts overlap. Except for one crucial key; their friend has specialized in supernatural criminology. The scene before them is a hot mess that pulls two parties together to solve the case. Creatures and humans equally killing and being murdered. This is where a love interest would slowly build-up — the faintest of possibilities, as they focus on solving what could be the biggest serial killer case ever. Foggy memories do start to surface, but they are old and blurry childhood moments. They could easily be deluded by watching too many horror movies, and that is how the protagonist reasons it. Yet, the further they work this job together, the more the main character has to know. The more they need to seek answers and start to avidly search between the cracks. A huge “I knew it!” moment would occur when they come face to face with the serial killer. Who is, indeed, a supernatural creature. However, being older and more trained, the protagonist doesn’t falter in the midst of a fight sequence. They might exclaim it, joke with their temporary partner on the case, but their finger is still hovering over the trigger — their gaze on the killer. Thus, this is the ‘climax’ of the story — the reveal and blood-pumping action. And, as the main character humanly try to go up against a real-life brutal monster, our protagonist is severely injured. Except now the friend/partner wasn’t there to deflect the final blow. The battle is still going as the protagonist lays upon the ground, bleeding out and fighting to breathe. That is where we see a flashback to the first incident, back to the beginning of the show/film. Their vision is a clouded memory as they blindly look up to the weathered ceiling. The pain is fading to the point they let out one of those dry chuckles while thinking fate is cruel. That they are apart of something like Final Destination to where they probably should have died back then, and now fate is rearing its ugly mug at them again. Their friend rushes to their side, the battle over, and the main character missing the ending. It isn’t though they could care much about that for their world is fading, their life leaking out of them with every slow pulse. The friend asks them then, disregarding rules and regulations, and ask if they don’t want to die. They need permission, consent, but the response is slurred and broken. Did they want whatever their friend was truly asking of them? To be a monster? They can feel the friend’s grasp within theirs, stronger than their own returning squeeze. The darkness is starting to crawl, starting to swallow their vision, and they stare up at the being who they were beginning to love all over again — more than a friend in this second chance gifted to them, and they smile. They don’t nod or shake their head. They don’t whisper an answer, but instead, allow the grim reaper to do its job. For if they were meant for the world hidden by plain sight, they would have been born for it. The ending of this show is remorseful, no doubt. We have this heroic symbol as the funeral plays out. The friend, the blossoming love interest, being the last one to lay a flower upon the grave. Now we see it from their perspective, the loss and grief. Loss of having to stop being friends, the enjoyment of meeting up again and playing a major role in their life, to the grief of losing them so soon. It would end on this sad note because it is how life works, and I’d want to solidify the hard realities within the wonderment. Yet, if a second season or a sequel were to happen, it would be through their gaze. How they deal with it and move forward, and how they find companionship again many, many years down the line. Especially when another supernatural creature has this light in their eyes when they smile a certain familiar way. They are new on the job and being saddled up with them to get field experience, nothing unusual. However, the way they laugh — how they freely speak their mind, reminds them of someone else and a part of them wonders deep down that maybe, just maybe, fate isn’t as heartless as it seemed. It really feels like their friend is right there beside them as they fall back into the fray of solving homicide cases.

#ask and you shall receive #my writing #supernatural topics #story idea #tw: death

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moonlilith · 4 years

Text

Ex-Almost

↬ Pairing: one sided oiiwa/iwaoi + implied atsuiwa

↬ Timeline: timeskip | pre-olympic

↬ Genre: Angst ☔️

↬ Wordcount: 1,751

↬ AN: SPOILERS of Haikyuu since it’s timeskip. I listened to Heather, Lookalike by Conan Gray & Lose by Niki while writing this. Also a repost since when i wanted to edit it, this app decides to swoosh it away and all the writings were gone

↬ check out my other works here

“No, we didn’t date. Technically he wasn’t an ex-boyfriend. But he was an ex-something, an ex-maybe, an ex-almost.”

If people were to ask him how to describe himself, he would say; Oikawa Tooru is a man of dignity but with anxiety, he was confident but still has insecurities. He desperately needs his anchor; Iwaizumi Hajime and he had always believed that Iwa wouldn’t let him sink further.

For him, Iwa has always been there even before he had born and he certainly didn’t know a world where Iwa doesn’t exist, because he had assumed that Iwa being born earlier had always been waiting for him.

He was too dependent on his anchor, to think that Hajime and Tooru were eternal until it wasn’t. The text from the Seijoh’s VBC 3rd year popped up in his head, making his serve swerve off out of court. “Sorry!” He looked towards his teammates with a smile that covers his true self.

“I have a boyfriend.” Was what Iwa had said causing a ruckus in the group chat. Iwa texted it at exactly 3pm in Japan but for Oikawa it was 3am. And it had kept him awake ever since. Iwa had only told them since they’re all were planning to meet up for winter break and all Oikawa could think off was that Iwa’s boyfriend will be there.

His right knee just hurts a little more than usual today. The throbbing pain must have been evident since his teammates kept whispering. He felt sorry that he had worried them. The sound of the ball from his served was enough to cut his ringing thoughts. “Stay safe for winter break.” He cheered with his team but as soon as they leave, he plumped himself on the floor.

“Tooru, we’re going for a drink, want to join?” His team manager, Nicolas look at his face concern laced all over, his shadow towering his figure. Nicholas has been so kind to him. He knows about Oikawa’s injuries and he always reminded him not to push himself. Just like Iwa did. He bitterly recalled. “Sorry Nich, I’m going back to Japan tonight. We’ll get the drinks when I get back.” He pat Nicholas on his head and head towards the showers.

Oikawa slammed the door shut behind himself and walked across the room. His cheeks flamed, and his hands were fisted so tightly his fingernails cut into his palms. He twists the shower knob as he let the cold water washed away his frustration. “I’m fine.” He said trying to convince himself. Every time he closes his eyes; all he could think of Iwa in someone else’s comfort. He cursed himself for being too late.

The first day back at Miyagi was spent with him sleeping all day to the jet lagged. It wasn’t until that night when his mother told him that Iwaizumi had also come home for winter break. Oikawa was hesitant for the first time. If he were back in his high school days, he would straight up and ran towards his house without warning but now everything’s different.

He still decided to visit Iwaizumi’s household the next day to bring the souvenirs. Even if Iwa wasn’t home—which what he had hope honestly since he was afraid of being alone with Iwa would make him spill or worst loss his composure, he needed to visit Iwa’s mother. She did also take care of him alot and Oikawa regards her as his mother too.

He stood at their doorway, taking a deep breath before someone too familiar call out to him. His husky voice that was filled with shock. “Oikawa?” Oikawa turns to look at his ‘friend’ laced with someone else. “Ah, Iwa-chan…” he tried. He really did try to make it seem like everything was fine when he was on the verge of breaking down. His right knee starts to hurt again. And he had to muster up the strength and urge to complain towards Iwa.

“Ah, Haji-chan is this your Kusokawa?” The man chuckles a laughter when Iwa lightly scold him and hit his chest. “I’m Miya Atsumu, MSBY Black Jackals Setter, Iwa’s boyfriend.” Oikawa didn’t want to introduce himself. What should he say, “I’m Oikawa Tooru, Iwa’s childhood friend?” If he said that, it means that he had accepted the role that was given to him and he—he didn’t want that. He settled with just his name, “Oikawa Tooru.”

“Ah, this is as if two of my boys are coming back home, huh Tooru.” His mother smiled at him. Oikawa returned the smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. Iwaizumi would know. His eyes can’t help but glance at Atsumu to see his reaction, but he was busy containing his laughter over something that Iwa had whispered to him.

He already was considered as family in Iwaizumi’s household but the sight in front of him already told him, he had lost. It doesn’t matter if their family, thinks you’re a family. Not when the person doesn’t feel the same. If it was the stupid him, he would have rubbed this fact all over Atsumu’s face. But he knew better, Oikawa was just a family and Atsumu was a lover to Iwa.

It must have been accidental, and Oikawa didn’t mean to pry. Heck, he wished he hadn’t seen Iwa kissing another man. The guy Atsumu was like a mirror of him. At least there were some aspects that Oikawa could see but would not acknowledge their similarities. What’s the point when of being a lookalike when Iwa didn’t chooses him? Fortunately, he wasn’t the only one thinking that when Matsukawa and Hanamaki had forced him to go out drinking.

Hanamaki’s words kept circling in his head and he cursed for the comfort he found when it’s useless. “Isn’t that Miya Atsumu kind of like your lookalike Oikawa?” Makki was drunk with how he slurs his words and the glare that Mattsun gave him was enough to know that two of his friends were avoiding the topic of anything related to the said man.

All of them decided to visit Seijoh. At least to recall some memories was what Makki suggested. All five of them including Atsumu were walking together under the bright winter sky. They passed the playground that was a fond memory for Oikawa but when he looked towards Iwa, he didn’t share the same looked and continue ahead to visit their school.

The playground where they stop after their loss to Karasuno and his knees start throbbing more than usual. Iwa stopped him as they sat under the tree. Iwaizumi was on his knees, leaving a soft trail of kisses on his knees and eventually went up, kissing him when it looked like Oikawa was going to cry again whether for the loss or for the pain.

“Oikawa?” Mattsun stopped in his tracks when he noticed that Oikawa was touching his knees. “Oh? I’m fine Mattsun. Let’s go, those kids must be excited to see the Grand King Oikawa-senpai.” He hated himself for acting. And yet he hated that the only things he had of Iwa was his memories. The memories that was fond only to him and nothing to Iwa.

Winter break ended and they were back to their usual. Oikawa felt homesick after he came back. He felt homesick, whether there was a person in his arms or if he were in theirs. But how could he feel homesick when the person he calls home is no longer his? It never had been his to start with. He had to swallow the bitter tears. Nicholas came with drinks and it always ended the same way. With him in Oikawa’s arms.

Oikawa didn’t know what he tried to prove. Was it to himself? Or was it in hopes that Iwa knew and somehow would feel the same bitterness he felt whenever he thinks of him with Atsumu. “God, I’m so stupid.” He muttered under his breath. He knew he needed to accept the fact that Iwaizumi isn’t thinking about him at all. Not when Atsumu is there with him. As much as he hated to admit it, Iwa and him is nothing but he still couldn’t.

He felt physically sick, the feeling of trying to puke all his guts out were strong in his mind as he returned Nicholas’s kiss. He felt guilty. It was like a battle of himself, where one told him to stay loyal to the unrequited love of his and the devilishly one told him he shouldn’t ever need to feel alone when Iwa is in the comfort of someone’s else arms. Why should he feel the cold winter when Iwa was feeling the warm summer?

In a split second, their clothes were off, and all Oikawa could think about was Iwa. Did Iwa ever feel lonely while he was a world away? Did Iwa seek comfort from Atsumu? Why did their memories kissing inadvertently on the playground near their home, that cold winter night became a bitter memory now? “I can’t Nich…” He softly pushed Nicholas that was straddled on his lap.

Nicholas nodded understanding, his hand grabbed Oikawa’s cheeks “Who was he to you, Tooru?” Who was Iwa to him? Childhood friend would be the easiest response. But Iwa was more than that. More than an irreplaceable partner to him. “Lover?” Nicholas noticed the sudden tears that left his pretty eyes. “No, we didn’t date. Technically he wasn’t an ex-boyfriend. But he was an ex-something, an ex-maybe, an ex-almost.”

His tears kept falling and he disgusted himself. Not only did he think about Iwa when he was with another man but now, he’s crying over it for the first time too. His mind recalled his teacher saying that ‘almost’ was the saddest word— before he didn’t exactly understand the meaning but now everything makes sense. Iwaizumi Hajime was his almost.

“Shush…” He felt the lips that settles on his tear stains cheek, the sweet voice that’s a contrast to Iwa’s huskier ones telling him that Oikawa wasn’t alone and to cry his heart out. Nicholas kissed his tears away and all Oikawa could think was that he lied. He lied to everyone. He wasn’t fine. Broken cries, incoherent sobs, accompanied by the sick feeling in his stomach and it didn’t help that his knees hurt a lot. His knees hurt even more today, and Oikawa isn’t sure whether it was just his knee or whether it was his entire body crying for his heartbreak.

↬ oikawa is my comfort character but why do i love to make him sad??

↬ also was inspired between a talk about me and irl about how atsumu kinda have almost the same personality as oikawa and what if things?

↬ the names things are heavily inspired by gusari’s dj

↬ when hajime & tooru names are combines it forms 徹" meaning "obstinate" or "dauntless"

↬ tooru means ‘to pierce through’ & ‘to see through until the end’ and hajime means ‘beginning’ so when the end and the beginning comes together, they become eternal ( I recommend u to read gunjou no shashin for more context)

↬ should i do a part 2 with iwa’s pov?

#haikyuucreations #haikyuu angst #haikyuu iwaizumi #hq oikawa #haikyuu imagines #hq iwaizumi #hq atsumu #hq iwaoi #hq oiiwa #haikyuu #hq atsuiwa #atsuiwa #iwaoi #oiiwa #haikyuu writings #haikyuu oikawa #haikyuu atsumu

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thedistantstorm · 4 years

Text

Project Compass 18

Read along on AO3 Here

<< Previous Chapter << >> Next Chapter >>

This time: Vah’nya teaches Ezra something new. Thrawn miscalculates.

Next time: Ezra tries to navigate the fallout.

Vah'nya sat entirely motionless in Ivant's office located just off the main bridge. Her eyes were not closed but barely open, their muted red glow creating a soft purple gradient against her cheeks. In her lap, her hands were folded as if serene. Every so often, they would twitch or jerk, but the rest of the time they remained still and unmoving.

When the door to the hallway opened, she did not stir. Ivant moved slowly. He did not raise the lights, nor did he comment on the Navigator sitting behind his desk. Methodically, he retrieved two mugs from a cabinet that by all accounts would have held liquor if it were a more traditional Chiss officer in command, filled the equally out of place kettle, and programmed the warming pad.

Once the water reached optimal temperature, Ivant pulled two sachets of tea from the back of a drawer. The smell was grounding - frosty wintermint with the subtlest hint of Csillan evergreen. He dipped one sachet in each mug, set one before the Navigator sitting at his desk and sat down as if he were the visitor. He picked up the datapad he’d left on the chair when he’d arrived, muted the brightness as not to be blinding, and tasked himself with requisitions and reports while he waited.

After a few moments, she shuddered and came back to herself.

“Still too hot to drink,” Ivant said mildly, not yet looking at her. She wrapped long, slender fingers around it anyway. It was a familiar motion. An anchor.

“How long?”

“I’ve been here for about fifteen minutes.”

Vah’nya nodded. “Then I have been here for about an hour,” She commented. Then, delicately, she added, “Something is coming.” She watched him turn off his datapad and set it aside. The Navigator scrubbed at her face. “The Jedi’s meditation helps,” She told him. “Things are clearer than if I were only to see.”

“Have you any control over it?”

She shook her head. “Not exactly. But I feel as though I can recall more detail. I see-” She closed her eyes and exhaled, focusing. “I was on a Grysk vessel. You were there. I did not see you, but I felt... But it was not like before,” She was quick to correct. Her grip on the teacup was the only thing that kept her fingers from shaking. “We were not alone.”

“Who?”

“I’m not sure. Other Chiss,” She said. “I remember,” She trailed off, looking up at him. “They had the Jedi.”

Ivant sighed, rising from his seat and rounding the desk to tap the consoles that faced where Vah’nya was sitting. “I have to tell her.”

“Yes,” She agreed slowly. “I-” She flinched. “Even now, after,” She emphasized, “I can feel the malaise, Eli. It’s close. It’s not just they Grysk. There’s something-”

“I know,” Eli said softly. He keyed the required combination that would ping the Admiral directly but discreetly. While they waited, he stepped to the side of her, reaching across the desk for his own mug, taking a sip of the soothing tea while his free hand squeezed her shoulder, encouragingly. “It’ll be alright,” He told her.

“I hope so,” Vah’nya murmured, looking up to him in concern while the Admiral’s face appeared on the holo projector, face tense, but not quite surprised. Vah’nya was certain they were all tired of relying on the vagueness of hope.

“I wish to teach you how we,” The Navigator smiled, “For a lack of a better term, how we navigate,” Vah’nya explained, approaching Ezra when he and Thrawn arrived at their station three days after Commander Esmadi’s outburst. “It is a valuable skill, should you never need to do so without warning and you do not have someone like Commander Thrawn to guide you through it.”

Ezra had not seen or heard from Vah’nya since they’d returned to the Compass following their time in Copero City. There was a sort of severe quality about her now. He got the sense that she hadn’t been sleeping, though the glow of her eyes and her deeply blue complexion hid any traces of bags or dark shadows.

He also had the feeling Thrawn was seeing the same thing that he was, considering the way the Chiss Commander scrutinized her. Instead of her hair being in a free-fall or the braids other navigators had adopted, Vah’nya’s hair was pulled back in a very sharp knot at the apex of her crown, her long mane cascading like a pin-straight waterfall from the bottom of it.

Beyond the glow of her eyes, Ezra recognized a grim sort of determination in her gaze. Wary, yes, but he knew without a doubt that he needed to listen to her. Whatever her reason was to teach him now, it was important. He looked to Thrawn, but found his attention being held by that of Ivant, standing alone on the command walk. Ivant wasn’t looking at him, even, his back was to them. But there was something about it, about how he was standing alone, looking out at the stars and the Steadfast in the distance.

Ivant turned toward them. His face was blank as he gave the order to his second.

“Clear the bridge,” Commander Slasha’s lips curved, as if he’d already anticipated the order. There was a good chance he had already been informed of the maneuver about to take place, Ezra realized. In total, it took no more than a minute for the bridge to be cleared, the Commander inclining his head to Ivant before striding off to the secondary control room where the bridge staff would be able to monitor the situation without being physically present.

Without preamble, Admiral Ar’alani’s voice echoed across the bridge speakers. “You are ready to begin, Captain?”

“Yes, Admiral. Just getting underway now,” Ivant informed her.

“Excellent. We will rig for stealth and await your return.”

Vah'nya led Ezra to the navigation console, the two seats located at the bow of the ship, with a perfect view of the stars. She explained how each lever and knob worked, then how she utilized her Sight to navigate to and from a destination. She explained how sometimes it was as simple as following a heading or emissions, and other times, it was from memory. The latter was what he would need to learn. Navigating with the assistance of coordinates was a much easier affair. Navigating to a place in the abyss of space without it was something else entirely.

When they were ready, Vah'nya nodded to Ivant, and Thrawn was motioned over to the Captain's side, instead of lingering just behind and to the left of his seat at the controls.

"We will compare," Vah'nya said. "The secondary controls are not actively capable of steering the ship. However, you will treat this as a simulation. We will see how your choices match up with mine. If you score highly enough, you will be responsible for bringing us back, while I man the secondary controls. Understand?"

Ezra did. They both looked back up to the command walkway. Ivant and Thrawn stood side by side, talking quietly. It seemed Ivant was explaining what would be happening to Thrawn. Vah'nya nudged his shoulder, gracing him with a sly smile. "It is obvious now, hmm?"

The Jedi huffed, covering his laugh. Now that Thrawn had told him just about every detail of his and Ivant’s together, it was easy to see. Sure, Thrawn had the underlying desire to learn about Ivant's secret project, but he was acting carefully within the limits he'd been given, much to the surprise of everyone, it seemed. Thrawn's body language, still rigid and militaristic, and his eyes gave him away. There was pride, but it wasn't in himself. Trust, as if Eli could lead him blindly and he'd welcome the loss of control. Yeah, it was obvious, all right. "About as obvious as an Imperial Star Destroyer," Ezra said.

Vah’nya hummed. “Glaringly so,” She agreed.

“I guess my question is whether or not he cares about him - like that,” Ezra was quick to specify, “back.”

The Navigator straightened. “There are a great many things you do not know about our Captain,” She said. “You, and Mitth’raw’nuruodo both.”

“That’s what I mean,” Ezra said. “I just-” He sighed. “He doesn’t express feelings like that. I don’t think he ever has, at least. Not recently. And I don’t want-”

Vah’nya squeezed his shoulder, seeing through to the heart of what he was trying to say. “You are a good friend, Ezra’Bridger. He is lucky to have you.” She smiled softly. “Eli wants what is best for him. I promise you.”

“This all feels sudden, is all,” Ezra said. “All of a sudden-”

“He is still being kept at arm’s length,” Vah’nya said. “Eli has simply made the line known. The only difference is in perspective. But,” She admitted, “It will not be forever.”

“I hope not,” Ezra said. “Thrawn and I came back to help. Not to sit around and wait.”

She smirked. “Eli.”

Captain Ivant turned to them expectantly, breaking off from his quiet conversation with Thrawn. Thrawn looked surprised, but Vah’nya didn’t waver from lack of protocol.

“Vah’nya,” He said back, and there was respect there. Respect of equals. Partners. Thrawn looked between them in a way that Ezra couldn’t miss. No doubt he was considering their shared history, and not for the first time. “At your leisure.”

“Let us begin,” She replied, nodding to him before returning her attention to Ezra. “If the bridge crew were here, he would give the order and we would begin the route. Because they are not, we may go at our own speed. Our Sight is much like the senses you use during battle. We will use them to keep the ship clear of any dangers, like other ships and anomalies like solar flares, asteroids, and sunspots.” Vah’nya keyed the comm system. “Bridge control, this is Senior Navigator Vah’nya. Standby for jump.”

The comms hissed. “Acknowledged.”

“I like to give them a heads up,” She said, nodding to indicate the lever that would propel the ship to lightspeed. “We will trigger it together.”

Ezra looked back at Thrawn. The Chiss nodded. Beside him, Ivant’s eyes were cool and contemplative, jaw set. “Okay,” The human said. He positioned his right hand on the edge of the hyperdrive lever and Vah’nya matched him like a mirror, her left hand on the left edge. “Ready when you are.”

The Navigator dipped her head, beginning to push. “Now.”

The stars blurred, and Ivant immediately queued up three separate holo screens. He sat back in the command chair, Thrawn watching him carefully but not approaching.

“I know you want to know what I’m doing,” Vanto mused after a cursory glance to assure all the information he was looking for to be present. “It’s not a secret. This is a test.”

Thrawn joined him, lingering on his right side, so close that his tunic brushed the arm of the command chair. “Comparing him with Vah’nya in real time?”

“That, and the rest of the Navigators aboard.” He motioned to the lower portion of the middle screen. “All five navigators, Vah’nya, and Ezra. This run is relatively straightforward. The Admiral wanted me to compare them all to each other. And, as this is a much smaller group than the one we had before, I have the facilities aboard to test them all at once. Simulations are no good. In the younger navigators, it tends to overstimulate them, since their brains are looking for physical stimuli but they’re trying to outsmart a computer program.”

“Their Sight can work like that,” Thrawn mused, “But it does seem as though it would cause more harm than good.”

“Right.” Something blipped on the screen in front of them, automatically outside of parameters and thus blocked immediately in yellow. “It appears Navigator Un’hee is ahead of the curve.”

“I’m not surprised,” Ivant said. “The rest are clustered in the same half second. They’re not as well versed with this region, but it’s on the edge of the Hegemony. Un’hee is familiar with this sector.”

“You would have them trial through Grysk space?”

“Technically,” Ivant said with a wry look, “It’s our space.” He inclined his head to Thrawn, even more amused, “They just haven’t gotten the memo.”

“They’ve encroached significantly on our space,” Thrawn said. “We have been pushed back by entire systems in some areas.”

Eli nodded. “Yes, that’s true. All unoccupied systems, ones we don’t particularly need, unless you’re house Chaf and you’re very concerned about where your imported liquor was coming from.” He smirked. “I saw your friend over it.”

“My friend?”

“Ah,” The smirk sharpened a little, revealing a peek of white teeth. “Maybe not the right word. Your gift to the Admiral.”

“Admiral Ar’alani gave Ronan to house Chaf?”

“As a ‘Liason,’” Ivant revealed, then nudged him with his shoulder. Thrawn almost commented on it, but remembered that he was not the superior. This wasn’t particularly against protocol, considering Admiral Ar’alani had the tendency to latch tightly to her subordinate’s arms, occasionally to the point of bruising when she insisted upon retaining one’s attention. “They deserve each other, if you ask me. Apparently after they got over their mutual disdain of each others’ species, they gave him the ability to wear a cape again. Only difference is that it’s neon yellow.” He smirked, “She tried to give him to Thrass first, but your brother refused him within five seconds of meeting him.”

Thrawn smirked at that. “He’s not a complete imbecile. That man is… exhausting.”

“Thrass suggested giving him to House Inrokini, but Sarvchi’s at least somewhat friendly to non-Chiss. Wasn’t like we were trying to kill him. He still calls me a traitor, though,” Eli mentioned. “He was Chaf’s representative sent to see me on my deathbed. Made sure to tell me I was a turncoat, but at least I did something with my life. Only mentioned Krennic twice that I could remember, but I was pretty out of it.” At Thrawn’s pensive frown, he added, “I think I started recovering as he said the words out of spite.”

“That is hardly possible,” Thrawn said. His gaze bordered on intense as he shifted to a more serious topic. “Still, I regret that I was not able to come to you sooner. I would have-”

Vanto turned in the chair, his knees brushing Thrawn’s thigh. The Chiss looked down at the point of contact, but didn’t move away. “We can’t change the past, Thrawn.”

“I know, Eli.” He looked down into Vanto’s eyes. At his sides, his fingers twitched microscopically with the urge to reach up and touch his captain’s face, to affirm eye contact between them with a physical aid. This was wholly inappropriate, some part of him knew. And yet, he couldn’t stop now. This territory was new, begging to be explored. “But the future…”

“Thrawn,” Eli murmured in warning.

Around them, the starlines stuttered and stopped. Vah’nya and Ezra’s heads came up. The Navigator recovered first and immediately turned to the Jedi. He seemed shaken, but Vah’nya instructed him very easily through the post-procedures, including comming the bridge crew on standby.

The Chiss jerked backwards with the slightest twitch. Vanto’s hands, which had come up to prevent Thrawn’s from reaching their intended destination, braced his forearms. He blinked. “Forgive me, Captain,” He said, stepping back. “I don’t know what came over me.”

There was no facial heat, no indication Vanto was particularly moved by the moment they’d just shared. To Thrawn, it seemed that Eli didn’t perceive anything having happened between them at all. The thought left a bitter taste in his mouth. Then, Ivant dismissed him. It struck like a blow. “You should join your charge. No doubt he could use your expertise.”

“Of course, sir.” Thrawn dipped his head respectfully, resisting the urge to move faster, to put distance between them and whatever this had almost been. His voice sounded like it’d been dragged through gravel and shards of jagged transparisteel. “Excuse me.”

The Captain watched him go. As Thrawn descended the two steps down to the Navigators’ station Ezra met his eyes over the Commander’s shoulder. It lasted only a three-count before Thrawn was upon him and he turned away. Eli leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his thighs, steepling his fingers over his mouth. He allowed himself one lengthy, covert sigh before turning his eyes to the status board and comparing the numbers.

#thranto #eli vanto #mitth'raw'nuruodo #ezra bridger #vah'nya #eli vanto/thrawn #sw fanfiction #my writing

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quirkfics · 5 years

Text

worth the work

commission for the wonderful @silver-starfall

wordcount: 5k

warnings: depression and loss (on reader’s part), counseling, smut, comfort ;; this is probably one of the few fics I’ve written here that deals with angst and sadness this way - still, my fics always end happily!

pairing: Shino Sosaki | Mandalay x F!Reader

It could have been worse.

That’s the only thing you keep hearing, everywhere you go. In whispers or hushed voices, trying to speak quickly when they think you aren’t listening. It could have been worse. They don’t know the half of it.

You made it out of there, after all. You escaped from All For One, one of the- no. The greatest villain of all time. Great enough, powerful enough, that not even All Might could finish him with a single blow. You and Ragdoll, and a paltry few others: You escaped.

That’s what they tell you, of course, but semantics are a little more important. You didn’t escape. All your training and experience amounted to nothing. You were rescued. You vaguely recall seeing a blank eyed Ragdoll, and then Tiger, and the blurred shapes of other heroes.. It’s not even the rescuing that galls you, not really. Heroes of all kinds get rescued everyday, but- You’re alive, they tell you, and you know the way they clasp your shoulder is supposed to be comforting. It’s supposed to give you an anchor to the here and now, see? Can’t you feel this? Instead, it’s just a weight, bowing you down.

You are alive, despite how everything feels. That much you can admit. You’ve been cleared to leave the hospital proper - you’re no longer physically weak, or at least, not enough that you need to stay here. You’re still supposed to take part in regular training regimens to get more of your physical strength back, but you can walk. You can talk. You have friends waiting for you. You’re relieved when Shino comes to pick you up, relieved that she’s unharmed. You bury the thought down and focus on the part of you wanting to claim they’re sending you on your way because they don’t care. They do - but you still have to make regular visits for checkups. And for Quirk Counseling. You have to breathe out when they tell you that, slow and steady, because you’ve changed your mind. They care too much, and you wish with every fiber of your being that they didn’t.

...It’s hard, some days, not to explode on the counselors, full of rage or tears.

The Quirk counselors don’t truly know what they’re talking about, after all. They don’t know what it’s like to have something taken this way. Some of them don’t even have Quirks, and that… It’s almost worse, when they bring in the Quirkless, because a little part of them does understand. You try and ignore it though. You don’t want to think about being a kid again, excited for your Quirk to manifest- but this time around, nothing happens. The exercise isn’t making anything better, it’s just making you feel guilty. Tomoko - Ragdoll, she’s still a hero, still doing work- She understands, but there’s always been a resilience to her. It’s being around her and the other Pussycats that makes you wonder if… If Shino thinks you should be acting more like Tomoko. Logically, you know Shino doesn’t. The Pussycats group has always dealt with search and rescue more than full on fighting, and knowing that no two victims feel the same is kind of Shino’s job.

It was your job, too. Your life.

Key word being was.

“Your chosen purpose still exists,” the counselor this afternoon tells you. You almost want to be angry - he’s one of the Quirkless, but his spine might as well be made of steel. He gets things a little more than most. “You can still be a hero-”

“Not like-”

He shushes you, waving his hands in the air between you to try and stem the tide of words that wants to spill out and waits until you deflate with a sigh. “You seem to have forgotten that hero doesn’t mean someone with power. A person admired for courage and noble qualities. You still have that. You’re still admired. The courage you displayed hasn’t been forgotten, and the very act of wanting to be noble, to help? You- wait, ma’am! Your session isn’t-”

You tell yourself that this was the last time you were willing to go. You’re done. You just want to hole up in your house and lament over how things used to be. The thrill of work, of meeting up with Shino afterwards for a night out, when you both had the time. You used to stand there and hope, seeing her eyes light up when she realized you were around- You just want to pretend that everything is like it was. That you’re still working, and that you still have some sliver of a chance at being more than Shino’s friend.

Heading back to your place, hands shoved into your jacket pockets, a fake smile plastered to your lips? It almost does the trick. All of this is normal.

But a few moments of listlessly moving through your empty house is enough to bring it all crashing back down again. You’re about to go wrap yourself in some blankets when you notice the time and freeze in the front room. Shino is going to be here soon.

Shino’s recently made it her mission to drag you out of this rut of depression. Some days it almost feels like it works. She’s always been there for you, and she knows just how to coax a smile out of you, or to tease you into laughter. For a while, it feels like everything is okay. And… Some days, it’s just not. You appreciate her being there, and you appreciate when the other Pussycats come to visit - they’re your friends too, after all, but… When you see Tomoko, valiantly pushing on, still working and being around her friends and partners, day after day, knowing she can’t actually-

Being bitter with her solves nothing. Logically, you know that some people push through the pain, and keep their suffering quiet and you can do that too. For the most part. Well.. You can do that with everyone besides Shino. She’s always respected your need to withdraw, has given you the time to sort things out when you ask for it - but only so much.

The counselors applaud it, and in this, at least, you have to agree with them: Shino is good to have around. As a person, and especially as a friend. So far, you’ve gotten away with not mentioning your feelings for her in counseling sessions, but you have the feeling that it’s going to come up soon. You’ve never been very good at hiding it.

It’s why it’s so hard to even face Shino some days.

A few months ago, you would have been overjoyed by all the attention. You would have basked in it, eager to see what each new day brought between the two of you. You’d thought, for a while, that maybe something was starting to change. There were little hints - small secret smiles, the way she’d made excuses to stay with you just a bit longer, her touch lingering on the back of your hand- You’ve been friends with Shino for a rather long stretch, good friends, but just before everything happened, you’d been almost sure that Shino returned your feelings. Not that either of you had ever discussed it.

You’d wanted advice on the situation, and who better to go to than Shino’s friends and trusted comrades? ...The last thing you remember is dialing up Yawara, before you’d woken up to Tomoko’s slack jaw and a host of other heroes there to save everyone.

It’s hard to think about your worries back then. The only trouble you’d really been dealing with was questions over potentially requited feelings. Not money, not work or villains - just Shino, and how much she mattered, and wondering… It’s not like you could have known what was going to happen then. Not ever, but some days… Some days you feel like you should have seen the kidnapping coming, and maybe you would have - but you’d been distracted.

The knock on the door startles you.

You know who it is, you know what time it is, and that she makes time to see you every day, but you still have to calm yourself. Her second knock is a little gentler, accompanied by her voice:

“Just me today! Kota is busy with a friend for a bit.”

You snort, shaking your head as you think of Kota, and walk over to the door, opening it the barest inch to make sure it’s her before you pull it all the way open, stepping back so she can come inside. She’s as lovely as always, not a hair out of place.

Shino breezes in like she belongs there, smile gentle, without pity, and pulls you into one of the most relaxing hugs you’ve had in a while. It’s hard not to melt into her touch, even if just for a moment. She feels like home, or a piece of it, at least, with how long she’s been in your life, pushing you to do better or dragging you into trouble by turns. It isn’t until she pulls back, gaze even with yours, that you notice the rustling noise, and the multiple bags hanging from her forearms.

“Shino,” you admonish, heat crawling up the back of your neck. You love that she’s trying to help, that she wants to take care of you, but- “We talked about this. I have plenty. You don’t need to be-”

She moves around you with a soft mmhmm, depositing the grocery bags in the kitchen. There’s healthy food in there, of course, but Shino doesn’t spare on the treats or anything that you know you like, even if part of you feels hollow about it all now.

“You decided that I shouldn’t bring you anything anymore, but I never agreed,” Shino clarifies, popping her head out of the kitchen momentarily to give you a pointed look. “You can just give blanket statements and expect me to follow them without a discussion!” She moves out of view, and you can hear her putting things away, cupboards and the fridge opening and closing.

You shuffle out of the room, trying to ignore the cheerfulness that wants to wash over you everytime you see her, intent on finding a blanket or some kind of sweater. It’s not particularly cold, but… You have to bite your lip when you hear Shino saying something about ordering in despite the groceries. Kota isn’t just with friends then, he’s with Yawara, which means Shino is planning on staying over tonight. You can’t decide if that’s a good idea, or a bad one, so you focus on your original task.

Shino calls your name a few minutes later, having realized that you’re no longer within the immediate vicinity. It’s hard to find an answer, sitting on the edge of your bed, wearing a sweater that’s based on your original hero outfit. You hadn’t even thought about it - this had been one of your favorites, and it was warm, but-

Shino halts in the doorway, your name dying on her lips, and doesn’t move.

“I think today is a wallowing day, Shino,” you mutter, and for a while, there’s silence. You think you just might see her calves tensing, but you can’t find it in yourself to even look at her, much less talk to her openly. It’s easy, you know it is, but that doesn’t change the heavy weight on your back and lethargy curling around your spine. “I’m just going to sleep for a bit or, I don’t know. I think you should leave.”

You regret it almost as soon as you say it. You don’t mean it. You would rather laze about in the front room waiting for takeout with her than cry by yourself, but… Surely she doesn’t want-

“If that’s what you really want, I have no problem leaving, but you’ve been alone since last week-”

“I went for my checkup, and for quirk counseling,” you say with a sigh. “I’ve seen other people.”

“You’ve kept appointments, which is wonderful, but you’ve still been alone. You don’t want anyone to attend them with you, which is fine, but Tomoko has said she’d like to attend counseling with you, because you actually understand, and you said no?” Shino takes a step further into the room.

“Tomoko said she understood why I would refuse,” you offer, and even to your own ears, you sound a little monotone. You get the feeling that Shino is frustrated.

“She does, that’s- I’m saying that you haven’t seen anyone for recreational purposes. For friendship or camaraderie. I won’t force you outside for fresh air,” and Shino says it in a tone that usually has you laughing. “And I’m not begrudging you time alone, but I want to know if you really want me to leave.”

All you’re doing, and you know it, is pushing her away. You don’t need to, you don’t want to, but you feel like you’re drowning, caught between your feet touching bottom and your fingertips just barely brushing the life raft. You feel stuck.

“This isn’t worth it,” you finally add, feeling your heart growing heavier in your chest. You really can’t look at Shino now. You never want to see tears in her eyes, or worse, anger at you. “I’m not worth it. Not anymore. I’m just a broken hero who has to-”

“Close your mouth, right now,” Shino threatens, voice sharp. “I don’t want to hear- I don’t want you to- ” Even though you’re upset and trying to get her to leave, to let you wallow, you can’t exactly deny her. You mouth snaps shut and you finally lift your eyes from the floor.

Shino looks… intense. Not angry, not exactly, but ready for some kind of verbal sparring, with her eyebrows drawn together and her mouth pressed into a thin line. She opens it- only to shut it almost immediately, her cheeks turning as red as her hero costume.

“I kept telling them that she was like this,” she mutters at the floor, shoulders shaking the slightest bit.

“That I was like what?” You can’t help but ask.

“That you- That I wanted-” Shino is usually so good with words. It’s almost comical watching her stumble through them now, clenching and unclenching her hands as she paces back and forth in your room. She looks like she’s getting ready to go on a roll with it, which means that unless you stop things now, she just might yell, and you’re not sure you can handle that right now.

Hesitantly, you get to your feet. “Shino, I don’t feel neglected or anything, okay? I just… It’s hard. All of this-” You stop when she makes a choked noise and feel your eyebrows raising when she turns to you and crosses the room. Part of you wonders if she’s going to snap, going to point in your face and give you some kind of lecture amidst curse words, even though you know she would never do something like that to you.

Rather than doing anything you might even coincidentally expect, Shino hauls you in by the front of your sweater and kisses you full on the mouth. For a few moments, you forget about everything but the feeling of her in your arms. Is this.. real? Though the kiss isn’t exactly the smoothest. The reality of it seems to hit you all at once, and you stumble after a moment when she leans too hard into you. While happy, you’re still ridiculously confused and when she pulls away, unable to meet your eyes, you can’t help but wonder about the worst.

Did she do that because she knows? Did she kiss you just to break you out of this weird bout of self pity, hoping it would shock you into listening?

“Did that really just happen?” You can’t help asking. Your heart is beating so loud in your ears that you almost miss the beginning of her quiet response.

“Yes. Yes it did. I kissed you, because- Listen. I know this isn’t the best time, alright? There never seems to be a good time for confessions like these, not with the life we lead. But I want… I like you. I’ve wanted to be more than friends since-” Shino sighs, tucking an errant lock of hair behind her ear, all the better to expose her blushing face for a split second before she’s hiding her face against your shoulder, slipping her arms around you. “Since not long after I met you. You made that joke about the ruffles in my costume and all I could think was is she flirting with me? And I could have asked, or done something more, more overt, but life has been-” Shino gestures helplessly, frowning as she stares off into the distance, likely recalling an unhappy memory. Or memories.

Truth be told, there have been too many unhappy memories in Shino’s life in recent years. Not between the two of you, or in the way you treat one another, not in your friendship, just in life. And for Shino- Her nephew, and her family and then Tomoko too, and- And you.

You start to shake, just the slightest bit, and Shino gasps.

“Oh! I’m sorry, I’m still-” She rushes, trying to untangle her limbs from around you, and squeaks when you pull her in closer, trying not to let emotion overwhelm you.

“Shino, I’m sorry,” you whisper, voice rough with unshed tears.

“No! I shouldn’t have said anything! Forget it, I just-”

“Not that,” you say with a laugh, brushing awkwardly at your face. You’re still holding her, and your arms don’t reach quite enough to get a clear shot. “I’m sorry because- because I’ve kept quiet too. I was flirting with you,” you confess, trying not to laugh again when she straightens up in surprise.

“You were? You were! I knew it! Tomoko told me I needed to ask to be sure and- she was trying- she doesn’t know, does she?” Shino pulls away just enough to see your face. The intensity in her expression eases, just a bit, and she reaches up to wipe your cheek, a slow smile replacing the momentary guilt.

“No. Tomoko doesn’t know. At least, I never told her. She might have just realized that both of us liked one another and wanted us to realize on our own.” It puts a new light on your friendship with Tomoko, one that you should probably ask her about, the next time you see her. “But also, seriously? I might have been flirting with you?” Your teasing tone makes her scoff.

Shino pushes you, and even though it’s not particularly hard, you fall back onto the bed. You’re smiling wildly as she sits down beside you, but part of you wants to curse, just a little. You wanted this more than anything. To have your feelings returned, to maybe start talking about a relationship. You’d been so distracted that night, trying to get a hold of Yawara and ask his advice-

If you’d just stopped and gone to see her, or plucked up the courage the next time you saw her- Things might have been different. You grab her hand, lacing your fingers together and try to swallow down the strange feeling. The counselors have told you it’s perfectly fine to ask what if, as long as you don’t end up obsessing over the potential answers. Maybe things would have been better, had you said something more or tried harder when you’d first met each other. But you don’t regret the friendship between you, or who you’ve become.

“‘S better this way,” you mutter, blinking a little too quickly and glancing up at the ceiling.

“What is?” Shino asks, and she sounds so unsure.

“Being your friend, first. I liked you then, of course, but- How we are now? Who I am, having had you in my life for so long? I don’t know, it just feels right.” You raise her hand to your mouth and press a soft kiss on her knuckles. For as dainty as she is, and for all the heavy gear she wears in her cat paw gloves, she still has callouses and split knuckles. There’s a small scar over her pinky that you’re tempted to pay special attention to, but now isn’t the time, you don’t think.

“So, just to be clear,” she says after a moment, glancing back down at the floor. “You have feelings for me too?”

“Just to be clear,” you repeat and you have to squeeze your eyes shut when her hand twitches in yours. “Yes.”

“Good. I- I’m happy. I mean, I hope I’m not.. Not imposing on you with this, but, honestly,” Shino turns to face you, urging you back into a sitting position. “I’m not coming here because I’ve been hoping to, to fix you. This isn’t something that just gets swept away with a confession. I care about you, so much, and regardless of my interest in you, as a person, as a friend, I want to help. If you were being honest earlier, if you want me to head home-”

You shake your head, interrupting what feels like is going to be a long tirade. “No, Shino. I’m- I know you’re not trying to take advantage of me or anything. I was saying it because, yeah, it’s hard, and things suck and-” You blink away the burning sensation in your eyes. “I felt like I was imposing on you. You have Kota to worry about, and one of your hero partners, and then here I am-”

Shino sighs, her own smile a little watery and tilts her head until she’s resting on your shoulder. “I have enough worry to go around for everyone,” she says, tone final.

“Okay then.” You lean your head on hers, closing your eyes. “Even with your feelings for me, Shino, I don’t want you to feel that- I mean, if you wanted to wait until-”

Shino turns, taking your face in hand and places another kiss on your mouth. This time, seeing as it’s not completely out of left field, it… It fits. Her mouth moves slow and even against yours until you lose yourself in the sensation if it, in the taste of her and the careful way she cradles your cheek.

“I care,” Shino says between kisses, fingers tracing the shell of your ear. “And wherever we end up, whenever we end up there because we both care? I’m happy with that.” She stops kissing you, just to smile, and you can’t help but feel like the luckiest person in the world. You know you might not feel the same way in a few hours, or even tomorrow, but for the first time, you’re not thinking about the loss of your quirk.

“Less talking, more kissing,” you tease, relieved when she takes you at your word. You’re still tired and worn out from the day, from the counseling and confessing, but there’s a steady build up of energy the longer you touch one another, lost in kisses and the softness of each others skin. Shino’s hand presses softly against your chest, fingers slowly curling into your sweater- and pulls back, trying not to gasp for air.

“Too much kissing?” You ask, fairly breathless yourself.

Shino shakes her head, an exasperated but fond smile growing on her lips. “Hardly. Neither of us are wounded and bedridden, are we?” She clears her throat, plucking softly at the collar of your sweater. “I was just wondering if maybe you’re a little warm?”

“Smooth,” you tease, grinning when she rolls her eyes. It’s… Strange, knowing that you’d been right all those months ago. That you had both been leading up to this before calamity had struck in all the worst possible ways. If you can work through your troubles though, and build something outside of your quirk use- “I think I am,” you rush to say, reaching over to tug at the bottom of her shirt. “Are you asking to borrow my sweater?”

“I’m never going to sweep you off your feet at this rate,” Shino says, fighting another smile. “If you want to slow things though-”

“I didn’t hear any talk about slowing.”

“Is that how this is going to be?” Shino asks, reaching out and tugging impatiently at your clothes. Her breath is coming a little fast, eyes intent on your face. You open your mouth, ready to make another teasing comment, riding the flash flood of sudden joy she’s caused, but Shino releases your sweater- and then tugs off her own.

You must look absolutely dumbfounded, because Shino laughs, but continues on until she’s in nothing but her underthings, and then turns back to you. Her face turns from playful to adoring, hands gentle as they slide your sweater over your head. You follow suit, helping her along, but by the time you’re both in the nude and her hands are on you, you feel like you should be melting into a puddle.

Her being here, everything she’s told you- it’s better than any dream you’ve had half cooked up in the back of your mind. Shino cares, she wants you, and she knows you. You’ve years of memories to draw upon, to call up each others likes and all those moments you’d let private desires slip to one another. Shino remembers how you like to be touched, how you’ve said you wanted to be touched. A slow stroking over your shoulders and breasts, and her mouth opening against yours when you move in to kiss her. It’s maddening in the best kind of way, knowing this much about each other when you’ve never actually been together.

Losing time is easy like this. You get caught up in the feeling of Shino’s hair sliding through your fingers, and the soft kisses she trails over your neck, teeth just barely grazing over your collarbone as her hand slips between your thighs. The soft appreciative noise she makes has you arching into her touch, gasping just as her mouth presses to yours again.

You have to seek out a balance to things when you try and reciprocate, only to end up nearly elbowing her in the middle. You break the kiss, both of you laughing quietly, only to pick up right where you left off. She whispers your name, hand working slowly, and shudders when you mirror her motions, foreheads pressed together.

“You’re so wonderful,” she whispers, eyes falling closed when you tilt your head to kiss her again. “Everything about you. I know things aren’t- aren’t the same, but you’re still a hero,” she murmurs, and you start to tremble. Shino has always known the right things to say. It’s why you’d been so eager to get her out earlier, to avoid listening to any hard truths she might have in store. You’ve never been more thankful for her perseverance.

“Shino,” you gasp, twisting your fingers and picking up the pace. Her head drops down against your shoulder, breath fanning against your skin as she tries to steady herself.

“I- oh,” she says and then muffles her moan against you, turning her wrist to get a better angle on you. The both of you are turning into a mess, breathless and shaking, but all you can think about is how much you want to keep going. How much you want to hear Shino say your name again, face flushed with pink as the both of you rock against each other, thighs trembling. “I just want you to- to know,” she adds, though she seems to be losing her train of thought the closer she gets. If you weren’t on the edge yourself, you might have laughed- but then Shino is pressing just a little bit closer, kissing you desperately.

You start to make a lot of noise against her mouth, nearly forgetting about the hand you have between Shino’s thighs, and then you have to re-double your efforts, arm shaking as you keep stroking her through your orgasm. “You’re so good to me,” she says, and then gasps, rocking into your thrusting fingers until the both of your are spent and smiling and then laughing on your bed.

“What?” Shino asks, watching your eyes track the curl of her mouth.

“Just wondered what made you wait so long.”

Shino’s face gets red again, though she’s still laughing, so you’re fairly sure she knows you’re just curious, not upset about it. You have to ask though, if only to keep yourself from focusing on what if’s.

“I’ve told you why,” she says, reaching up to brush her fingertips over your cheek.

Part of you feels like fate might have tried to cut you some sort of deal. You lost an important part of yourself - so it brought you closer to someone that will help you down the road to healing. She’s not a replacement- you could never think of her as some kind of placeholder to help patch up a hole in you - she’s better than any of that. For as many soft and kind words Shino had for you, you feel like you need to put together twice as many for her. That, or maybe tease her a bit while the endorphins are still running rampant through your system. There’ll be plenty of time for flattery later.

“It’s just that you couldn’t have told me this, oh, I don’t know-”

“Shut it,” Shino says with a laugh, face flushed and eyes a little teary. “I was just saving this for the perfect day, and then I didn’t want to bother you, but then-”

There’s no such thing, really, as a perfect time. But without her, you know things would be a hell of a lot harder to work through, and… This is worth working on, working for, even if you don’t ever get to gain back what you’ve lost.

#mandalay x reader #mandalay x f!reader #shino sosaki x reader #bnha mandalay #bnha reader insert #lemon

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sadiespells37 · 4 years

Text

Tonight I don’t have a character to highlight per se in this episode, more the episode itself for being as blunt an on the nose as possibe to make its point. This show always kinda does that.

Another animated sitcom tonight folks, this one’s been around for 15 years...and times arrow marches ever forward... Anyway while not about them the episode in question centers around the reoccurring anchor partners and neighbors of the Smith family Greg Corbin and Terry Bates

Now Greg (right) and Terry (left) are interesting characters in their own right. They speak in what would commonly be described as a very effeminate or “gay” voice. The primary joke as they appeared in the first couple seasons was they were super unsubtlly a gay couple but Stan, the head of the Smith household, is SUCH an over the top die hard conservative that he can’t see the truth even if it’s right in front of his face. Also it seems to be commenting on how often in media gay people in the public eye couldn’t officially come out for a very long time as it could hurt their reputation. The show did start in 2005 after all. Within all of our lifetimes but what seems like an eternity ago for LGBTQ+ cultures.

But back to the episode. The plot concerns Stan and after he goes to see a local play about President Lincoln that turns out to be more an arty pretentious performance piece, decides to put on his own one man show about the 16th president and founder of the Republican Party told from the perspective of Lincoln’s actual body guard Captain David Derickson. Given the nature of their relationship the show has some gay overtones, all of which Stan is oblivious to for reasons previously discussed.

This leads to Stan being invited by leader of the local chapter of the Log Cabin Republicans, introduced by Greg, who knows Stan already, to invite Stan to one of their meetings. Once there Stan realized that they are a “gay group” and reacts about how one would expect a staunch conservative in the mid 2000s who can’t even notice gay people would act. It also comes out, by him having to literally be told by Greg that he is gay and Terry is his partner.

He calms down once he realizes they are die hard republicans too, just gay. Also matters are helped by them wanting Stan to be their representative and speak at the upcoming Republican National Convention. He embraces it for a little while but then the group discovers Stan’s vast history of homophobia and anti-gay politicing while at the same time Stan accidentally lets it slip to Terry that Greg is a republican, something that after all their years together Terry wasn’t aware of. He’s rightly upset by this and Stan is sad that he can’t speak at the RNC and also genuinely seems hurt at the loss of all these like minded people and new culture that he didn’t even know existed. His solution is simple. Stan will choose to be gay...

(Image not from this episode, but the emotion is by the family when he tells them) Anyway that really is Stan’s plan. Being gay is a choice to him so he’ll choose to do it to get back in the good graces of the Log Cabin Republicans. He approaches Terry, still upset that Greg left with the others in the group and Terry seems receptive enough to try. They go out for dinner, dance at a club and when the two first kiss Stan says he feels nothing. Terry tells him that he probably is just straight. Stan gets angry and says “This is MY choice, I CHOOSE to be gay,” and Terry tells him it’s not a choice and Stan realizes he’s right.

That’s what I love about this show. It decideds that the only way someone like Stan will realize that being gay isn’t a choice is if he tried to choose it and couldn’t. There’s just something beautifully simple about the bluntness that I love. In the end Stan does speak at the RNC and uses that time to defend the gay community to the other Republicans there who would be against it. It’s not a subtle message, nor one that a lot of the show’s primary audience would need but I’ve always loved that this episode is unassumingly out there to give the message to those who do need to hear it.

American Dad S3 E4: Lincoln Lover

———————————————————————

Hope all you folks out there in Tumblr Land enjoyed this. Please don’t forget to leave a like, comment, or suggestions for future entries. Or you can write your own if the idea appeals to you using the hashtag #LGBTQPril. I’ll see everybody next time.

#lgbtqpril #lgbtq #television #gay #american dad #Greg Corbin #Terry Bates #lincoln #Greg and Terry #stan smith

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bluesunsdusk · 4 years

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HOUSE, CODEPENDENT, RECOVERY, KNITTING - Akksul, Evfra, Sigma

[Prompt source]

Sad boy hours under the cut.

HOUSE: Where do they and their partner like to go for refuge? Does this place reflect their relationship?

Akksul:

Akksul used to spend time with a partner outside whenever Voeld offered a crucial but of sunlight to soak up. It was always risky being outside without cover, so outside of that they always would be somewhere more hidden from the kett, though still outside. Being with this man came with a level of freedom. They both did their own things. Akksul was a researcher, and his partner was a soldier. It was reckless to be outside and so vulnerable in the midst of a war. He honestly hadn’t thought out the relationship either. Though, who thinks out love when it blooms? Sometimes, the best things come from a certain amount of recklessness. If they had been out when the kett attacked, rather than working, perhaps they would still be together.

Evfra:

Evfra has no partners. That being said, when he still had a significant other, they remained in the daar they had found a safe haven from the kett in. They were surrounded by family. Strength in unity, and strength in love. It was a strong structure that withstood a previous kett attack. They meant the stars and planets to each other, and they withstood so much together. Like most typical angaran families, they were very close. They shared everything. They were each other’s homes, and then he lost them, along with everyone else.

Now they are gone, so is the rest of his outward displays of love. He’s become cold and closed off. It’s not just for the loss of his significant other, but for the loss of his mothers, father, siblings, nieces, nephews, children. He lost all of them, and he wasn’t there to stop it. He will not lose the rest of his people. He refuses.

When he had a ship with Lexi, they met in more private settings. He keeps his affections close to his heart, but the fact that she is an alien made that more necessary. It was the practical choice. While they loved each other, they both knew the effect it would have if the news got out, so they kept their love between each other. Lexi went the extra mile of procuring a place on Meridian, where no one would notice their liaisons. He gave up control and let her take care of things, he went to a space that was not his own, a place that was won from a joined effort of two galaxies, a place that spelled a new and uncertain beginning for his people, which he had not scouted beforehand, and he found both comfort there.

I suppose that is/was basically their relationship.

Siebren/Sigma:

Sieb is single and not currently entertaining the possibility to mingle. He’s had a very scant amount of relationships. His focus was always on other matters. When he was in school, it was school before relationships, then it was finding a job before relationships, then it was his research before relationships. His family was, luckily, always fine with the possibility that he would never settle down at all. If it happened, it happened, but it was not of any importance to him, and that was fine. In the instances where he had tried to be in a relationship, he was often busy with work while they spent time together or was fixated on his specific interests, but he would take moments to give his attention to his significant other or the small amount of friends he had.

Let me think… Difficult. Very difficult. He can scarcely remember some things.

Refuge. What counts as refuse? A place away from the stressors of life? A place away from prying eyes? That doesn’t exist in Talon. He can only do so much. His quarters are made to be a more pleasant environment for him. A small courtesy Talon does seem capable of, albeit still for their own interests. It took some effort to find the monitoring equipment Talon installed into his room, even with help. Like his relationship, it’s a strenuous safety that Talon can rip away from him at any moment, but a safety he has created for both himself and his partner. Even in his mind he can’t be safe. His dreams, wants, and wishes all belong to Talon. While not fully aware of that fact, he has his concerns. He always has his concerns. However, his quarters are a place of a measure of constance and stability. He would like a partner he can rely on. He would like a partner who offers the stability he cannot always grasp, be it a romantic partner or otherwise.

If refuge means a place of safety, in general, in this situation, there is no such place. The universe is a dangerous place, no matter your position within it. One can only make it feel safer. Any control past that is purely an illusion.

He knows any relationship he has will not last in this environment. It is unsuitable. A relationship is an unstable variable. Where he fills his room with things he think will fulfil him, it will not help him. Where he could fill his heart with what he feels may complete him if the realization that he craves romance carves a hole into it, it will not be easy to maintain. The creation of a new galaxy is always chaotic. Love, like the earth’s orbit around the sun, fluctuates, but it can be mapped out. He has yet to find the equations for love and romance, however.

The stars, his first love, will forever embrace him.

Conclusion: He has nowhere to go for a true refuge with a partner. He makes an attempt at creating a temporary smokescreen to act behind, through means such as obscuring security cameras, but that is unreliable. He cannot guarantee it will proceed as smoothly as he would desire. In fact, he predicts it will not go smoothly at all, and it will lead to a less than favorable outcome in his current environment. Neither of us can make sense of these paragraphs anymore either.

CODEPENDENT: Do they find themselves being the healer of the relationship? Do they enjoy being depended on by their partner?

Akksul:

He was no healer in his past relationships. He was a shoulder to cry on, as much as his partner would be that for him, in difficult times. Being relied on was not something he would call that. His partners tended to look after him more than the other way around. He was busy with his studies. His partner would bring him things and check on him. On Voeld, making sure he had enough sunlight was also something his partner checked on. He couldn’t be the one being depended on now either. He is too busy with his cause, and he is frankly far too irrational to be trusted to make good decisions. He doesn’t want to take care of other people, he just wants to fight and regain some manner of control over his life.

Evfra:

No. He feels obligated to care for people more than people care for him since becoming leader of the resistance, but he does not enjoy it in the slightest. Caring for others comes with responsibility, and responsibility comes with emotional burdens. Every day, he knows people depend on him and die from his orders. Every day, the fate of the angaran people rests in his hands. Being given a partner who strongly depends on him would only worsen his mental and emotional condition.

He cannot be the healer, for he has too little of himself left to give as support. Some day, he may be able to offer more. He looks forward to that day. For the first time, he has hope that this day may come.

Siebren/Sigma:

He wish he could be, but he doesn’t think he can. Not anymore. He can protect his partner just fine, and he will support them in any capacity he is able to, but a healer is so much. He enjoys being depended on to a degree, but healing would tire him, anger him, annoy him. Of course, depending on the level of healing. He wouldn’t be angry at his partner. He loves them, even when he is not in the best of moods. He would be more angry at those who hurt them and the situation they are in. He would be angry that he seems unable to fix it, that everything he has had has been so hard, so impossible, so… Perhaps, he’s blowing it out of proportion. He doesn’t know, but it hurts. It hurts… It hurts so much. Why can’t he keep anything? He controls the harness, but he controls nothing else. Everything is out of his hands. It is a comfort, but it is also distressing. Sometimes, he feels as though he can feel the flow of time and space, but is it true? Is any of it true? What if he just made all this up? What if he is alone? What is this is a dream?

The universe should ease him, the stars should soothe him, the great expanse of space and time should rest his soul, but he is human, and he is an emotional human. The human in him is so lonely, at times... No one understands him. No one wishes to understand him. They claim to wish it, but no one takes the time to listen, to truly listen. They just want him to work and work. They just want him swimming in his own mind. They don’t care. Why should he? If they close their eyes, what concern is it of his that they cannot see?

No. He will take care of his research. No one needs his care. Although... He does want to help people. Some of him still does. Some days, it is hard to know how much of him does. He will protect those he loves, however. Whichever label Talon gives him, he will care for those the one with the label has latched onto, even if the expressions of care may vary.

Conclusion: No, and no. He enjoys caring about people. Or... he used to? It depends on the point in time. It depends on the anchor, frequency, or whatever Talon calls it. He naturally looks after people, even when not intending to do so.

RECOVERY: Do they think of their partner as someone who can save or heal them? Do they rely on their partner to help get over their past life?

Akksul:

No. He would say he needs no one. In truth, he does. The Roekaar feed his ignorance and his arrogance. They enable his poor decision and unhealthy coping mechanisms. He lashes out at that which he does not know. He needs a friend who does not just agree with him, but he would not accept it. At least, he would not accept it until he lets go of the Roekaar.

Evfra:

If he had a partner, he would not expect them to be responsible for his recovery, but he would expect them to share each other’s troubles and openly communicate possible roadblocks. If one is to help the other heal, it is to be mutual. A onsededness never bodes well for a relationship. It is a two-way a street and he would not have it any other way. This does not mean that his partner cannot take the reigns, but that means he should have the reigns somewhere or some time else. Balance is important in this regard. They will help each other, as a family.

Siebren/Sigma:

He… hasn’t considered that. He does get a little invested, in the extremely rare instance that someone manages the catch his fancy in that manner. They catch all of his fancy, be it that of his more Talon-imposed aspects or that of any other aspects. It is confusing. It is a little chaotic, too, much to his dismay, but it is nice to have something his entire being can agree with, even if it may be a tad unhealthy in execution. He tries his best to temper himself. He just gets very excited. Well, he thinks... It is hard to tell. It’s likely a mix of things. Is he someone who needs saving? He doesn’t think so. Is he someone who needs healing? He doesn’t think that either. Is he someone in need of company? He is beginning to think that less as his time in Talon continues. He used to love company, even if it was just a shared silence, an ambient presence. That him is fading as time passes through the end and beginning of the cycle.

He doesn’t rely on anyone, save for those who treat his physical ailments and issues with focusing on his work.

Having a partner feel responsible for his healing seems unwise and not very fair. He has so much healing to do once he reaches a place where he realises that he could use some healing after the ordeal Talon put him through. Emotions are hard then. He doesn’t know how to feel. At this point, the part of him who may believe he needs saving doesn’t believe there is much chance of him being saved. Of course, that is a more literal sense than this question suggests. His partner could help heal him, but it would take more than a romantic or qp partner to actually heal him. He will rely on professional help rather than that of someone who is unqualified.

Conclusion: No, and no. His partner can help in the road to recovery were he to deem recovery a necessity. He will not rely solely on a partner for moving on from past experiences. A partner would not be qualified. A partner deserves to have him go through the appropriate channels. He refuses to allow his partner to handle all his troubles for him.

KNITTING: What do they want to make of their relationship? Does their relationship with their partner reflect who they are as a person?

Akksul:

Right now, he wants nothing. He’s not even thinking of a relationship. His mind is filled with hate and has no room for a love not related to his cause. If he has problems, he will handle them on his own.

Evfra:

He used to be very giving with his affection, always dedicated, sharing his professional and personal aspects with them. Caring for others gave him purpose, and continues to do so, but he could still rely others when he knew them. He relied on his partner. He still only truly trust certain people who have managed to becomes relatively close to family, but he keeps them at a distance, lest he be affected and be biased in his command. He would honestly like to have a deep connection like he had with his previous significant other again. He’s certain they’re dead, and if the slim chance that they aren’t is somehow the truth, they would understand. They could talk about it together.

Now, back to a future partner... He doesn’t want a replacement, of course. No one can be a replacement for anyone, and expecting such would not only be unhealthy, it would be unfair and rather cruel. He wants a new start. He wants someone who will be patient, who will communicate with him, speak, listen. He wants someone he can be himself with rather than “Commander Evfra”. It’s draining being in the position he’s in. It’s draining and upsetting. He could speak to others about it, but they only understand half of it. He doesn’t trust them either.

Of course, he could only pursue a relationship in full when there is a moment of peace or the war is entirely over. That might not happen in his lifetime.

Siebren/Sigma:

What does he want? Let’s see... out of a relationship in general, he wants mutual care, which is probably a given in most any emotionally driven relationship. He wants someone who will support him, and someone who will be patient with him. He knows he is not the easiest to handle all the time, and he appreciates people who put up with him and his troubles. They are worth more to him than they will know, even if he may not always be able to show them even a fraction of how much he values them. Deep down, he will love them, whatever Talon may do to him. They are his sun, they are his stars, they will be in his mind, they will be in his memory even when it falters. His devotion is deep, and he doesn’t expect it to be matched. He knows it is hard to match, and he knows it is unsteady, although always present. He knows it may be unhealthy. He fixates on things, which he knows is not what he should do. Feelings are hard to balance. Too little or too much have a thin line between them, though anger is a lot easier to temper than this. Understanding this is a must for a partner. He tries his best to keep an eye on it, and he’d like his partner to be able to help with that, but they must understand that this can only do so much.

Well, what he would want. Right now, he wants nothing but to continue his research in peace.

When it comes to romance, he will never see it coming, honestly. It seems almost impossible by this point. He’d feel bad with all the issues he would be subjecting his partner to, depending on the timeline we’re in. He is a lot to put up with, in his opinion. Sometimes, he may be caught thinking he is too good for humanity, and he hates that this happens, because he used to not be like that. He misses when his mind was quieter, even if the melody has the most haunting quality to it.

He wouldn’t know what he wants. He wouldn’t know anything. There is beauty in the world being impossible to fully understand and comprehend, but when it comes to these small things, it is quite troubling. Ripped from Talon and put on a road to recovery, he would just be troubled, uncertain, constantly worried. He needs someone balanced, thoughtful, patient. Someone who can trust him. He wants someone to trust him, because he can’t say with certainty whether he trusts himself anymore.

Out of their relationship... Something warm, constructive, renewing. Something that benefits them both. A lot of physical contact. He likes holding people. A comfort with emotional intimacy and vulnerability. Shared interests, of course. This doesn’t mean loving space, he has other things he enjoys. A sharing of different interests could be beneficial to the both of them. Stability would also be nice.

Oh... I just noticed how many paragraphs this became.

Siebren, thinking about how much he loves his theoretical (or not so theoretical) bae:

#codeoftheforest #ev is so fucking full of love #so is sigs he is dying he is like HE #about akksul #about evfra #about sigma #in as much as i could make sense of it at least #long post #mostly because of number three on the list #the old man is a wordy menace #he took up my entire night with this i was planning on doing other things #sigs just needs fucking attention and maybe some affection at all times please he is starving all the time #he doesn't even know what he said in most any of anything

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3w-writer-with-wings · 5 years

Text

Character post: Aoi Zaizen

Why I like them/why I don’t:

Out of all Yu-Gi-Oh girls so far, Aoi feels the most relatable of them all. She is a lot like a grown-up version of Luna/Ruka from 5Ds with a similar mannerism and personality. Aoi has a really timid nature and the fact that she is so sheltered by Akira that she feels he doesn’t even trust her hits home hard. But what I really love about her is her development. She learns from her mistakes and tries to become the best version of herself. The actions she takes in order to change herself don’t always play in her favour and even then she keeps on trying. Aoi represents exactly what you should do if you face failure in life – make changes and learn from your mistakes. Unlike Go, she never succumbed to her own insecurities and rather used them in order to change for the better. While she may appear pretty naïve and stubborn at first, you can really see how she slowly transforms into a person she always wished to be.

She is also a good representation of a celebrity with depression. The episode that showed her life outside VRAINS nearly broke my heart. From the way she talked with Yusaku and members of duel club, to how she just ran away after Yusaku asked her about Akira and how she was lying on bed looking like she was about to cry… it was just hard to watch considering there are people who are actually suffering the same way. But then she logged in VRAINS and instantly became a bubbly Charisma Duelist to entertain people. While a lot of people compare Go to Yuya, I actually see Aoi to be more like Yuya. Her Blue Angel persona is just like Yuya’s goggles, a mask she hides behind to cover up her tears and she presents herself as someone who is always smiling.

When her wings broke after her loss to Yusaku… it just perfectly represented how she finally broke down a lot like how Yuya lost to Reiji and Jack. At that point, I was really afraid she would follow the same road that Go did in season 2 – her insecurities and depression getting the best of her, but she didn’t. No, instead she put some thought about it before she did anything. When her fans were bashing her name, it seemed like she was going to break again. Thank God Emma came to her rescue! What I love about her relationship with Emma the most is the fact that she is the kind of a person that Aoi always needed. Once Miyu was revealed it also made me realize why Aoi had a hard time finding friends – she was afraid of being separated from a friend and didn’t want to be hurt by it again. Emma let her know that she’ll be always on her side and this was the encouragement that she needed to make a step further.

Her style of duelling is also one of my favourites – the burndown strategy. When she was duelling that AI who had the same technique and they were burning each other’s LP down like crazy was really entertaining to watch. I was a bit disappointed once she no longer used that technique, though I liked that she acknowledged it as something that needs to be improved. In overall her character is just as complex as Yusaku’s and I’m glad that it was explored a lot.

The only downside to her character is how her character is treated. Unfortunately, female characters are something that Shin Yoshida doesn’t know how to handle and this plays a big part in her representation. She had many losses that downgraded her lot. While she made a very big comeback in season 2 as Blue Maiden she also had a big downfall as well. In other words, Aoi’s character deserved so much more but was unfortunately pushed aside many times.

What I like about their appearance

The fact that she has so many avatars! I actually cosplayed Blue Angel and this was one of the most difficult cosplays I’ve ever made, but I in no way regret it since it is a very cute outfit and I’ve learned so many cosplay-making techniques while making it. I also really like how each avatar in a way presents one part of her. Blue Angel is her childhood dream, a hero she wanted to become. Blue Girl represents her desire to be like Ghost Girl and make a change. And Blue Maiden is her embracing all of herself and honourably joining Team Playmaker. Her avatars give this Magical Girl feel that combine her kind nature with power in order to save the world. While magical girl anime portrays that more ribbons, sparkle and skirts equals more power, Aoi’s avatar changes are the exact opposite, showing that sometimes less can be more.

And the part I love the most and was the most difficult to make? Her wings! I think I spent nearly three whole days just figuring out how to make those wings stand! In the end, I used some very thick wires, extra strong duct tape and a handmade posture supporter to keep it still. And it was so worth it! I was a bit sad that Blue Girl didn’t have wings, so when Blue Maiden’s wings were shown I was excited as hell! I also really like her twintail hairstyle since I tend to wear my hair in this style too. When I cosplayed Blue Angel not that many people recognized the character, but those few who did really liked it and one of them even showed me all of the Trickstars he had in his deck! I had a really wonderful experience as Blue Angel and I even won the third place in cosplay contest! To conclude – I love absolutely everything about her appearance and I wouldn’t mind cosplaying her or her other avatars again!

Do I prefer their dub names or original names?

While I really like the name Skye, it kinda sounds off for Aoi. I’ve grown really used to her original name so when her dub name was revealed… it just didn’t sound like her. I guess it could work as her user name since Skye goes well with her avatar’s wings, puffy skirt and blue colours like a short nickname for Blue Angel. Aoi is also the name of a hollyhock flower that represents the cycle of life which nicely symbolizes the changes that Aoi went through when changing her avatars and overall personality.

OTP

Definitely Miyu or Takeru, hard to decide. Miyu was introduced really late in the series and didn’t get that much screen time or backstory and yet it was enough to give away all necessary information about her. I made many theories why I thought Aoi was Aqua’s origin and in a way, she is - all because of Miyu. While all cheerful and caring, Miyu could’ve been lonely and even if she wasn’t, she choose to befriend someone who was. It is not clear how long the two of them were friends, though it most likely not long and yet out of all people, Miyu choose Aoi to be her anchor. Aqua basically represents Miyu’s love for Aoi and I’m sure that once Aoi gets to meet Miyu it will be a very emotional reunion.

Then there’s Takeru and let’s face it, he is the kind of a character that can be shipped with anyone and it would still work. Still, I genuinely believe he has a secret crush on Aoi. When he passed Aoi in school, he didn’t appear to have much interest towards her though that could be because that was the first time he saw her as Aoi and not as Blue Angel. The duel they had as Soulburner and Blue Girl was pretty entertaining to watch and the encouragement he gives her in the end was very well-meaning and kind. The second time he meets her in real life is completely different as he approaches her right away and introduces himself. Considering how shy Takeru can be it is very unlikely he would do that with just anyone, so the fact that he did that with Aoi shows that he is interested in becoming her friend. Kiku said that he is not much of a friendly person, so the fact that he approached someone else besides Yusaku really says a lot. Their relationship would really work as they both love duelling and testing themselves. I hope that they get to have a tag duel one time together as they could really fit each other well despite representing opposite elements (water and fire) since this could be the first time for such combination in a tag duel. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for a tag duel in the third season since I really enjoyed Aki and Crow tag duel in 5Ds and this could give some nostalgia.

NOTP

At first I didn’t know this even existed, but Aoi and Akira ship just feels wrong on so many levels. I know they aren’t blood-related but they are still siblings. While I really like their sibling relationship, romantic one would completely ruin it, especially how canon it actually felt during the first season. Like Aoi would use –sama for her brother which is reserved for masters and bosses, like she is super inferior to him and the whole reason why she went to duel Yusaku was so she could impress him, which resulted in her falling in coma. Even if they weren’t siblings, Aoi is still a minor and Akira is ten years older than her. At times Akira also acts a lot like her father which would make their romantic relationship that much worse.

I dislike romantic Aoi and Emma ship for the same reason. While I absolutely love their sisterly bond, the thought of them having something more just doesn’t feel okay. Maybe if Aoi was older like over 18 or in early 20s then it could work better. Even if Aoi would have feelings for Emma and she would want to start a relationship with her, I imagine Emma would tell her to wait. Emma is the kind of a person, who has no problem breaking a law, but getting in a relationship with a minor is something she wouldn’t do. I have no doubt that she loves Aoi like her little sister or a young partner in crime so a romantic relationship would pretty much ruin this nicely developed relationship.

OT3

Aoi, Miyu and Aqua! I don’t know why, but this trio just warms my heart. There’s no doubt that all three of them care about each other a lot and would form a really nice relationship with each other. In my perfect reality, both Aqua and Aoi come visit Miyu after everything is over, and together they create new VRAINS avatars in order to spend time with Aqua who is pretty much their lovechild. I see this trio to work in both platonic and romantic way since the three of them show nothing but kindness and care towards each other.

Favourite card they use

Marincess Crystal Heart. I already liked the concept of Crystal Heart, the fact that it symbolized Aqua’s and Earth’s love and that they did everything to keep it from being destroyed in the field. What truly made me love it even more was when Aoi used it in a duel against Bowman and empowered it. I believe that the heart still represents Aqua’s and Earth’s love and the water spirit protecting it is Aoi, protecting them both. From the start of their meeting, Aoi has been keeping Aqua safe and Marincess Crystal Heart perfectly represents that.

Favourite moment they were in

Her duel with Haru. After so many losses, the duel with Haru was the best comeback for Aoi. The character she has been building finally came into action and I absolutely enjoyed watching that duel. From the new archetype Marincess to how she stood her ground against Haru’s hurtful words - Aoi made it clear: she is back and ready to kick some ass! The new strategy, her partnership with Aqua and that badass skill when her wings showed up! And how she outright obliterated Haru’s LP! It was just amazing and it showed how far she has come. At that point, it really seemed like Aoi was set to win more duels...

Least favourite moment

... which is why her loss to Bowman was so sad. While it was no way as humiliating as her loss to Playmaker, Specter and Soulburner, it was still terrible. Bowman is disgustingly overpowered character and the fact that he used so many moves that were outright cheating really downgraded Aoi’s and Aqua’s character. I would be fine if Bowman defeated her with a good strategy, but no he used a literal asspull effect like he did the whole duel. He even tried to scare her and for a moment I thought Aoi would give in. Luckily she didn’t and I was so proud of her. Even the act of “mercy” was a very cheap move since Bowman is a freaking hypocrite and he probably used it just so he could feel better about losing Haru.

Back then when I was still hopeful about Aoi’s further character development I wrote a theory why she was capable of defeating Bowman with very good arguments and how it could play out well in the final conclusion of season 2. (it is here if you wish to check it out https://3w-writer-with-wings.tumblr.com/post/182925730720/lightnings-plans-and-why-i-believe-aoi-will ). I was really disappointed when Bowman won using the cheap moves since it looked like writing staff pushed away Aoi’s promising future for the sake of having Bowman win at all cost.

Would I fuck, marry or kill them

Can I just be her friend? Cuz really if I were to meet Aoi in real life, I would just hug her and take her out for ice cream or coffee and talk with her, letting her know that she is an amazing person and that she should never doubt herself cuz she is doing a great job at improving herself. I would likely be one of those Blue Angel fans in the crowd during her duels, holding banners with encouraging words or I would be writing a blog dedicated to her in order to support her, pretty much the same thing that I’m doing now. ;) If someone would bash her name and accuse her of things she didn’t do or weren’t her fault, you bet I would write a freaking essay similar to the one I made in order to defend Yusaku when someone made a youtube video ranting how boring he is.

Aoi Zaizen deserves more recognition and hopefully, she gets to shine more in the third season.

#aoi zaizen #aqua vrains #yugioh vrains #character anylsis #vrains #Blue Angel #aoi deserved better #I hope she will be back in season 3 #yugioh needs more female characters like Aoi

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lvmiieres · 4 years

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´ ･ . ✶ ⧼ maddison jaizani, demiwoman, she & they / s.l.u.t. by bea miller, clothes strewn around an otherwise tidy room, worn pointe shoes placed with care upon the nearest soft surface. dark hair pulled back into messy ponytail with a pink scrunchie, lacy bralettes worn beneath warm wool jumpers in pastel colors. the soft, crackling sound of etta james coming through on a floral patterned record player. ⧽ ━━ don't look now, but that's the coquette, also known as MARIE-RENOIR NOÉMIE LUMIÉRE. i heard their father is LUMIÉRE, the casanova of all candelabras. the TWENTY ONE year old is a junior at auradon university and is majoring in EDUCATION. they've always been CONGENIAL & SAGACIOUS & AUDACIOUS ; but i've heard they can be pretty PERTINACIOUS & INSCRUTABLE & ACERBIC, too. you can check out their stat page HERE and their pinterest board HERE.

there was something SOFT & MOIST about her, a dare, a rage, an intolerable tenderness.

SECTION ONE OF THREE : BIOGRAPHY

she is the bridge between two cultures. the connecting sinew of two different worlds. marie-renoir noémie lumiére is born in the midst of her parents honeymoon period on a dewy winter morning. her father is committed to monogamy, until he isn’t. her mother is content, until she is not. they are HAPPY, until they aren’t. looking back, the fault lies on no one’s shoulders in particular. the problem lay not with them as individuals, but them as a partnership - a lesson, in it’s own way, that good friends should try to avoid that leap into romance that they thought would take them all the way. by the time that she is celebrating a year of LIFE, her mother and father have amicably split ; no hard feelings, just endless respect. custody is verbally agreed, not bitterly battled. her father can ensure the finest education, the finest things in life - summers will be spent with her mother, while the rest of the year she will call her father’s abode her home. they grow up with two languages flowing fluently from their tongue, with an appreciation for each half of THEMSELVES that few people possess in full.

the time spent with her mother is spent soaking up the sun and being the child that they are. summers are freedom, in their books, from all the expectations of the rest of the year. burdens that certainly feel like so, though they try to act as if they don’t. at home with their father, they are privately educated and expected to excel. this is fine. they can take that pressure on their shoulders with grace, they think, so long as they are always able to dance. it’s an unexpected talent. in day to day, they are clumsy - even as a child, they bumped their head and scratched their knees in an all manner of avoidable accidents. they will never be one to wear heels in fear of toppling, and so, the insistence to be enrolled with a local company after watching a performance of swan lake makes her father chuckle. he expects her to quit when she realizes that she isn’t capable of such delicate movements and graceful twirls, but six months later when he sits in the audience and witnesses her perform in don quixote, he is not able to hide the TEARS that spring to his eyes. so begins a lifetime of ballet lessons four times weekly, recitals every other month. they swiftly become one of the company’s most prized students, a prima ballerina in all ways but title. they are known to be clumsy, and they laugh along with others who poke harmless fun - but when they tie their pointe shoes on and step onto a stage, they are something different. something beautiful. something world ending.

their mother remarries. their father does not. they love their stepfather and later on, their little half siblings with all of their might - they tolerate half of their fathers conquests, though some leave truly lasting impressions. still, there is no ill will, and every christmas they gather as one to celebrate. it is strange, she thinks. this set up that they have. as they grow older, as they share details with their friends, they are told and they realize that people don’t think that it’s exactly normal. she asks her mother, one day, why she smiles so widely at the new partner on her fathers arm each year. why she isn’t hurt by his actions. why she didn’t stay. she’s genuinely CURIOUS, and her mother doesn’t treat the subject as taboo - she fixes a soft expression in place that is reserved just for her, and the words she says form a key part of noémie’s character : your father’s heart is simply too big for just one person, and mine is not. i’ll always love him. he’ll always love me. it’s no ones fault that the way we love wasn’t compatible.

they think, later, that they relate a little bit to that sentiment. that aside from natural confidence, they might just have inherited that too big heart from their FATHER, too. they’re electric. growing close to people isn’t hard when you’re a magnetic force, and noémie is never without company. she values deep connection, the most. she doesn’t think that she could ever fall for someone who didn’t know her blind. but she learns, as she grows, that she enjoys fleeting romance. even if she knows that she won’t allow it last, it is still nice to be entwined with another’s life, for a time.

SECTION TWO OF THREE : OVERVIEW

born marie-renoir noémie lumiére on february 20th, 1998, to eustache lumiére & fontaine la croix. her mother and father - good friends for years - married in the summer of ‘97 due to a medical condition known as ‘pregnancy’. they amicably split six months after noémie’s birth.

their custody arrangement involved emmy living with lumiére from september to late may, as his job and social standing assured the greatest upbringing for her. her mother took her from june through august.

no real drama, parents wise. her mother remarried and had twin daughters a few years later, and lumiére remained a player. the two continued to get along like a house on fire for noémie’s entire life, and joined one another for multiple holiday’s during the year.

suffered from bacterial meningitis as a child, resulting in a loss of hearing in her right ear.

expectations were rampant, but lumiére meant well. he wanted a good life for her, so he pushed her to excel. this was all well and good, given that she certainly had the capacity for it, but it has left her with a perfectionist complex in adult life.

found her first love in ballet, and has yet to really find a second. she’s one of her company’s most prized jewels, and holds the honor of being the student with the most starring roles under her tutu. her dance talent shocks EVERYBODY who knows her due to her undeniable clumsiness in day to day life, but that doesn’t really matter.

they were an early bloomer, so to speak, and this has been a blessing and curse. they’ve always been comfortable with who they are. other people have not.

SECTION THREE OF THREE : HEADCANONS

noémie loves love, but perhaps is not as built for it as she would like. she gets a certain thrill from flirtation and she enjoys being with people. it isn’t a crime, she thinks, to date often and never truly commit. there have, of course, been those who have treated it as such. she’s not a stranger to slurs, and she knows that there are certain rumors ( some of which there’s truth to ) spread of her, routinely. but no one raised primarily by the casanova that lumiére is has much SHAME attached to who they are.

she has gone by noémie for so long, sometimes even she forgets that it isn’t her GIVEN name. she can thank her paternal grandmother for the clunky first name that she has never quite enjoyed ; she died the same week that she was BORN, missing her grandchild’s arrival into the world by little more than a day. it was meant to be an honor, she’s told, but if it was… then why did it weigh her down so much? perhaps it offended her father, in a way, but at least noémie was hers.

she had just turned four when she was struck down with bacterial meningitis. her mother thought that it was nothing but a summer flu, but when her fever began to reach unheard of heights, the PANIC set in. the doctor who saw to her insisted she be brought to the nearest emergency room immediately, and she didn’t see the outside of that hospital again until two weeks had passed. she survived UNSCATHED, at least - in a sense. single sided deafness in her right ear, specifically. her parents were told that she was incredibly lucky that she was even alive, and that they should be grateful for such a small price. they didn’t feel the way they were told they should, but they certainly passed on the sentiment to their little girl when she grew and wondered why she was not quite the same to the other kids she knew. her mother learned bsl and her father learned lsf, and she learned enough in both to make her life that little bit easier. it was by no means easy - the learning or the life that followed - but she was young and adaptable, and it served as a harsh reminder that sometimes, the world will take. in her mid teens, she underwent the surgery to implant a transcranial cros - a bone anchored hearing aid, to you and i, that provided a MARKED improvement.

she’s never actually had a relationship, completely by design. she’s never DATED. noémie enjoys flings, she enjoys flirtation, she loves sex - but she won’t put herself in a position to disappoint someone when she can’t be what they want her to be. she’s open with anyone she finds herself involved with. no strings attached, non exclusive, it’s never going to go anywhere. anyone who doesn’t listen, anyone who ends up hurt because they believe she’ll change her mind.... that’s on them.

she can be quite... vain, to put it mildly. you have to keep in mind that noémie is someone who has been set up from a young age as... a real beauty. her looks have been valued, even if she has not been. she’s aware that she’s conventionally attractive, and she’s aware that it makes her life easier in a lot of ways. it does not, however, help her to be taken more seriously in life.

her grade point average is in the top tenth percentile, a standing she’s maintained for years. not only is she BEAUTY, but she’s also quite literally brains.

she’s all shorts and bralettes beneath soft knit sweaters. she smells of lavender and cedar, exclusively. she’s ONLY comfortable when she’s wearing her pointe shoes.

#･ﾟ ﹢ ･ * ⌜ report : what it’s like to go through life as a really beautiful woman ― biography. ⌟

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emerald-eyes-8917 · 5 years

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Can You Hear Heaven Cry?

Title: Can You Hear Heaven Cry?

Rating: OG

Pairing: Dan Avidan x Reader

Summary: When the narrator receives terrible news, she reaches out for the only person who could bring light back into her life again.

Author’s Note: I wrote this in the space of maybe two hours, so please forgive any errors. I was fairly raw when getting this down, and I made it intentionally vague so as to apply to anyone who may be experiencing a bereavement of their own.

It is never easy to grieve, and I hope you can find peace.

It couldn't be true...

The phone fell from her fingers as they loosened the grip around it, landing with a loud clatter on the floor.

Her entire body felt numb and her chest constricted in pain, breathing become shallow.

It couldn't be true... it just couldn't...

Standing from her desk, vision swimming and head spinning, she staggers across the office space, the only line of sight straight ahead, and not to the left and right of her.

She had to get to her car... she had to get out... she had to get out...

But she only makes it as far as the sliding screen that covered the video game collection, her hand finding little purchase against the surface as her legs lose all strength and she slumps to the ground.

Bracing her hands against the floor, she cannot even push herself up from her knees and lets out a sharp whine of frustration, the sharp inhale shortly after a sure sign that she was about to lose it completely

Without even checking that no one was around, a sob escapes her throat, followed by another, until she is crying her eyes out.

She prays that there is no one around to hear her, for her to left alone with her grief.

Unfortunately, she is discovered by someone who approaches her and says her name.

She does not even acknowledge them, her entire body convulsing and her tears falling down to speckle her jeans.

"Oh my God... are you alright? What's happened to you?"

She turns her head, lifting her arm and her palm spread, "Don't... don't look at me... please... please..."

Ryan kneels down beside the distraught girl, not touching her or moving too close, in case she hit out at him or didn't want to be touched.

"Hey, come on... let me help you. Please."

The act of kindness only makes her cry harder, bending double as the pain intensifies, coupled with the shock of the news she had just received.

Ryan carefully inches closer, keeping his voice soft, "Let me get you water, or... anything that will help..."

In between heaving breaths and deep sobs, there is a string of words that he could just make out.

"What did you say?"

She manages to draw enough breath to stammer, "Danny... I want... I want Danny... please... please... I want my Danny..."

The heartbreaking tone of her voice makes Ryan's own heart clench and he nods immediately.

“I’ll get him. Hold on there, sweets...”

Not wanting to leave her alone or risk drawing attention by running across the office at full speed, Ryan takes out his phone and sends a quick message to Dan, more or less politely requesting that he come out of the Grump room right then and there since his love needed him.

All the while, he watches his co-worker in a forlorn manner, rubbing his own eyes that are now stinging with tears.

About three minutes later, the door to the Grump room is opened quickly and Dan comes striding out, eyes wide with panic, looking all around for them.

Ryan calls out, "Dude... over here."

In an instant, Dan has turned the corner, the sight of his friend and his partner in such distress such a shock to him that he almost staggers back.

But in a moment, he is beside her and has dropped to his knees in front of her, reaching out to bracket her shoulders, saying her name softly.

She lifts her head, face blotchy and eyes red, hair stuck to her cheeks with tears.

He is like a living, breathing angel...

"Danny..."

That whimper of his name is the only sound she makes before she collapses forward into his arms that catch her just in time and she clings to him with all her strength, terrified that if she even loosened her grip for a moment, she would lose him too.

The thought of that alone makes her cry harder, for she had lost enough today, and all Dan can do is rock her gently, one hand behind her head, shutting his eyes tight.

She had never cried like this in front of him before. He had seen her tear up at sad movies or even when she was feeling tired or frustrated.

But this sound coming out of her was one of pure, unfiltered pain and it was breaking his heart.

"Baby, I'm here, I'm here... ssshhhh... ssshhhh... oh, my girl... my beautiful girl..."

Ryan gets to his feet, choosing to give them privacy, saying quietly, "I'll be editing if you need anything, Dan."

Dan nods, his cheek resting in her hair, murmuring, "Thanks, Ryan. You're a solid dude."

As the younger man walks away, sniffling quietly, Dan continues to hold her tight, not even having the heart to ask what had happened, for fear of making her more distressed.

She could not even give voice to her grief, her utter pain, except through muffled sobs as she buries her face in his shirt, wanting to shut out the entire world, wanting to hide in his arms forever.

Maybe if she stayed here with him, if she didn't have to face it, then it wouldn't be true.

It is only when she feels herself calm down just a touch that he helps her to her feet and she leans against him as they go outside to her car, away from any co-workers who would meet them and ask questions that she was not prepared to answer.

Sitting in the back seat together, she pours out her heart to him about the sudden, heartbreaking loss that had literally brought her to her knees.

All Dan can do is allow his own tears to fall, but would not allow his face not crumple, wanting to be strong for her in this moment.

"I'm so, so sorry, my darling..."

He has cupped her face, his thumbs stroking her cheeks that have not dried once.

"Tell me what to do. Please?"

Her eyes large and tremulous, all she can do is remember to breathe and asks, "Please tell me I'm yours."

Her voice is so plaintive and hesitant, it almost shakes his very core, but he gathers himself to say without hesitation, "You are mine. You are my girl. I love you..."

She holds his wrists, feeling that strong pulse thump against her fingertips, "And you're my person. I couldn't have faced this without you..."

He leans their foreheads together, and their breathing falls into a gentle rhythm in time with each other.

"Will you come with me?"

He opens his eyes, "Where, baby?"

A shaky sigh, "Home. I wouldn't ask you to travel, but I can't think of making that journey alone..."

"I'll come with you."

His reply surprises her as she tips her head back slightly to regard him with a frown, "But what about the show, and Brian, and NSP?"

"It can all wait. Arin can do solo episodes and Brian can be the smug, self professed genius that he is without me."

His injection of humour brings a small smile to her face, which is a beautiful sight despite the deep sadness in her eyes.

"Thank you..."

“You’re more than welcome, baby...”

Feeling more in love with him than ever before, she lightly strokes his cheek, wiping away his own tears, tentatively leaning in to kiss the corner of his mouth.

Dan turns his head and kisses her lips gently, the salty taste of her tears mingling with the taste of her and his heart clenches.

They share more gentle, needy kisses and she whispers against his mouth, “I love you... so much...”

As they draw back for air, he strokes her hair and gazes at her quietly.

“How about we head home, and I run you a nice hot bath?”

She nods, the idea sounding quite heavenly, before reality comes knocking once more, “I need to make a call first when we get home. I need to talk to my family...”

Dan does not miss a beat, giving her a soft, lingering kiss, “I’ll be right there with you, holding your hand, and ready to dry your tears.”

Her forehead creases and she almost begins to sob again, but she does not feel ashamed for expressing this pain anymore.

After a long embrace and several more gentle kisses, Dan drives them home, his hand holding hers all the while and she felt that bit stronger, despite what was facing her now.

True to his word, he is by her side all that day, all that night, and in the difficult days that were to come.

Even though the grief and sadness blew through her like the coldest breeze, he would be steadfast and devoted, keeping her warm, keeping her anchored, always reminding her that she could still smile and could still love with all her heart, even while her tears soaked into the earth.

#dan avidan #dan avidan x reader #grief #mourning #fanfiction #writing #death mention #bereavement

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pocmentalhealth · 6 years

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Anxiety and Relationships

Anxiety and Relationships: How to Stop it Stealing the Magic

Intimate relationships are a mirror, reflecting the best and the worst of all of us. They can inflame our struggles or soothe them. When they’re right, they can feel like magic. Even when they’re completely right, anxiety can steal the magic and loosen the connection between two people who belong together. All relationships require trust, tenderness, patience and vulnerability. People with anxiety often have these by the truckload and will give them generously to the relationship. The problem is that anxiety can sometimes just as quickly erode them.

If you’re someone who struggles with anxiety, there are plenty of things about you that would make loving you easy. All relationships struggle sometimes and when anxiety is at play, the struggles can be quite specific – very normal, and specific.

Anxiety can work in curious ways, and it will impact different relationships differently, so not all of the following will be relevant for every relationship. Here are some ways to strengthen your relationship and protect it from the impact of anxiety:

1. Top up the emotional resources.

You’re probably super sensitive to the needs of others and give openly and abundantly to your relationship. Sometimes though, anxiety can drain those resources from the relationship just as quickly as you invest them. This is completely okay – there is plenty of good that comes with loving you to make up for this – but it may mean that you have to keep making sure those resources are topped up. Whenever you can, heap your partner with attention, gratitude, affection, touch – lots of touch – and conversation around him or her.

2. Let your partner see you as a support too.

Your partner might feel reluctant to ‘burden’ you with worries, particularly if those worries don’t seem as big as the ones you’re struggling with. People with anxiety have so much strength – it’s impossible to live with anxiety without it – so make sure your partner knows that it doesn’t matter how big or small their struggles are, you can be the supportive one sometimes too. The tendency can be for partners of anxious people to dismiss their own worries, but this might mean that they do themselves out of the opportunity to feel nurtured and supported by you – which would be a huge loss for both of you. Be deliberate in being the rock sometimes too. Ask, hold, touch. There’s nothing more healing than the warmth of the person you love.

3. Let your partner in on what you’re thinking.

Anxious thoughts are supremely personal, but let your partner in on them. It’s an important part of intimacy. You will often be thinking about what you need to do to feel safe, what feels bad for you and what could go wrong. You will also have an enormous capacity to think of other people – anxious people do – but make sure that you let you partner in on the thoughts that arrest you. Keeping things too much to yourself has a way of widening the distance between two people.

4. Asking for reassurance is absolutely okay – but just not too much.

Anxiety has a way of creeping into everything. When it’s left unchecked, it can make you doubt the things that don’t deserve to be doubted – such as your relationship. It’s completely okay and very normal to ask your partner for reassurance. Too much though and it could be felt as neediness. Neediness is the enemy of desire and over time can smother the spark. Make sure your partner has the opportunity to love you spontaneously, without prompting – it’s lovely for them and even better for you.

5. Be vulnerable.

Anxiety can effect relationships in different ways. In some people, it might stoke the need for constant reassurance. In others, it can cause them to hold back, to lessen their vulnerability to possible heartache. Vulnerability – being open to another – is beautiful and it’s the essence of successful, healthy relationships. The problem with protecting yourself too much is that it can invite the very rejection you’re trying to protect against. Part of intimacy is letting someone in closer than you let the rest of the world. It’s trusting that person with the fragile, messy, untamed parts of you – the parts that are often beautiful, sometimes baffling, and always okay with the person who loves you. It’s understandable to worry about what might happen if someone has open access to these parts of you, but see those worries for what they are – worries, not realities – and trust that whatever happens when you open yourself up to loving and being loved, you’ll be okay. Because you will be.

6. Be careful of projecting anxiety onto your relationship.

Anxiety can be triggered by nothing in particular – that’s one of the awful things about it – so it will look for a target, an anchor to hold it still and make it make sense. If you’re in an intimate relationship, that’s where the bullseye will sit, drawing your anxiety into its gravitational pull. This can raise feelings of doubt, jealousy, suspicion and insecurity. Anxiety can be a rogue like that. That doesn’t mean your relationship deserves your anxiety – most likely it doesn’t – but your relationship is important, relevant and often in your thoughts, making it a lavishly easy target. Remind yourself that just because you’re worried, that doesn’t mean there’s anything to worry about. Worry if you have to, but then see it for what it is – anxiety, not truth. You are loved and you have anxiety and you are okay. Let that be the truth that holds you.

7. Analysis leads to paralysis.

There’s a saying – ‘Analysis leads to paralysis,’ – because it does. ‘Is it love? Or lust? Or am I kidding myself? What if my heart gets broken into tiny jagged pieces? How will it ever work if we don’t like the same music/ books/ food/ movies? What if we book the holiday and the airline goes on strike? What if one of us gets sick? What if both of us get sick? What if we can’t get a refund? Or pay the mortgage? What if he gets sick of me?’ Yep. I know you know how it sounds. What you focus on is what becomes important, so if you focus on the possible problems they’ll absorb your energy until they’re big enough to cause trouble on their own. They’ll drain your energy, your sense of fun and your capacity to move. You probably already know this, but what to do about it. Here’s something to try … Set a time frame in which you can act as though things will be fine. So for example, worry from 10-3 each day and after that, breathe, let go and act as though things will be fine. You don’t have to believe it – just ‘act as though’. You’ll have another chance tomorrow to worry if you need to. Be guided by the evidence, not the worries that haunt you at 2am.

8. Come closer. No. Go away.

When you focus on every detail, things will get wobbly. You might focus on the things that aren’t right with your partner or your relationship, while at the same time looking for reassurance that your partner loves you and is committed. This can cause you to push your partner away, (‘You’ve disappointed me,”) then pull him or her close, (‘Tell me that you love me. You do love me, don’t you?’). Have a chat with your partner and if it is a familiar process, set up a safe way for your partner to point out when it’s happening. Agree on what that will look like. When it does happen, be careful not to hear it as a criticism – it’s not – it’s your partner asking for some stability with the way you love each other.

9. The tough conversations can bring you closer.

All relationships have to deal with tough stuff now and then but anxiety can make things more threatening and bigger than they are. The temptation might be to avoid talking about difficult issues with your partner, because of concerns about what it might do the relationship. Difficult issues don’t go away – they fester until they reach boiling point. Trust that your partner – and you – can cope with a hard discussion. Relationships are built on trust, and trusting that your relationship can power through difficult conversations is an important one.

10. Let your partner in on what it’s like to be you.

We humans are complex creatures and bringing someone in closer to you and your story – even if it is someone who has been with you for a while – is the lifeblood of intimacy. People change, stories change, and even in intimate relationships it’s easy to lose touch with the person who fall asleep next to at night-time. Let your partner in on what your anxiety is like for you. Talk about your thoughts, how anxiety is affecting you, your work, your relationship, your partner, and how grateful you are for the love and support.

11. Let your partner know what triggers you.

Is there a particular situation that’s tends to set your anxiety alight? Crowds? Strangers? Difficulties of exit? Loud music in the car? Being late? Talk to your partner so that if you find yourself in the situation without warning, he or she will understand what’s happening for you.

12. Be patient. The quick fix isn’t always the best.

As a way to feel better and ease your anxiety, you might be tempted to press for a quick fix to a problem or issue within your relationship. You might become frustrated with your partner’s desire to wait or put off committing to a course of action, or their resistance to keep talking about the issue, but be open to the fact that your partner might see things differently, sometimes clearer. Breathe, talk, and don’t assume that your partner is taking time or pulling out of the conversation because of a lack of commitment or because the issue isn’t important enough.

13. Make sure you’re looking after yourself.

Being in love is crazy good but it can take your attention away from looking after yourself and on to looking after your special person. We all tend to do this but for people with anxiety it can be particularly problematic because once you’re off-balance, the ripple can bring other things undone. Taking good care of yourself is so important. Eating well (a healthy diet rich in omega 3, low in processed carbs and sugars), as well as regular exercise and meditation will help to build your brain against anxiety. If looking after yourself feels selfish, think of it this way: it’s not really fair to expect your partner to support you through your anxiety if you’re not doing everything you can do to support yourself. Think of self-care as an investment in you, your relationship and your partner. Remember too that anything that’s good for anxiety is good for everyone, so talk to your partner about chasing a healthy lifestyle together – cooking, exercising and meditating together … nice.

14. Understand that your partner will need boundaries

For the relationship to stay close, healthy and connected, boundaries built by your partner can be a great thing. Understand that boundaries aren’t your partner’s way of keeping you out, but as a way to self-protect from ‘catching’ your anxiety. You might be worried and need to talk about something over and over, but that’s not necessarily what will be good for you, your partner or your relationship. Your partner can love you and draw a bold heavy underline between the last time you discuss something and the next time you want to. Talking is healthy, but talking over and over and over about the same thing can be draining and create an issue where there isn’t one. Know that your partner loves you and that boundaries are important to nurture love and grow the relationship, not to push against it. Talk to your partner about what he or she needs to be able to feel okay in the face of your anxiety. Invite the boundaries – it will help to keep your connection strong and loving and will help your partner to feel as though he or she is able to preserve a sense of self without being absorbed by your worries. Worry is contagious so if your partner wants to draw a boundary (eventually) around your worry, let it happen – it will help to preserve the emotional resources of the relationship and will be good for both of you.

15. Laugh together.

This is so important! Laughter is a natural antidote to the stress and tension that comes with anxiety. Laughing together will tighten the connection between you and when there has been a stressful few days (weeks? months?) it will help you both to remember why you fell in love with each other. Anxiety has a way of making you forget that life wasn’t meant to be taken seriously all the time. If it’s been too long since your partner has seen the shape of your face when you laugh (which will be beautiful and probably one of the reasons he or she fell for you in the first place) find a reason – a funny movie, memories, YouTube … anything.

Falling in love is meant to be magical, but getting close to another person isn’t without it’s highs and lows at the best of times. From the ecstasy of realising that someone pretty wonderful is as moved by you as you are by them, to the agony of self-doubt and possible loss, to the security, richness and sometimes stillness of a deeper love, intimacy is a vehicle for every possible emotion. Anxiety does effect relationships, but by being open to its impact, and deliberate in responding to it, you can protect your relationship and make it one that’s strong, close and resilient.

#I have anxiety and found this really useful so thought id share!#anxiety

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