#found lots of pills i could kill myself with but i think. i think ill throw them away.

[dudescape]

I FOUND MY WEED

it was in the trash can

[julien5-malfunction]

13022023 Thoughts about inprisonment, the end of the world and a game called Pathologic.

I think the main reason I sort of miss being locked up in the mental ward are the boredom and the lack of things.

Being so bored, I would start to do things that I normally wouln't, just to entertain myself. Inventing shit out of whatever little resources I could find. I didn't feel bad for wasting so much time on such 'non-productive things' after all, with no knowlige of my release date, I had nothing to do but to kill time. I read books and solve puzzles, hunt down the newspaper of the day and try to solve a crossword or a sudoku. Draw the landscape I could see from the windows of my captivity. Keep track of things in my diary. The most fun was stealing pens and other small items, like a loose playing card, maybe some beads or other craft supplies if I had access to such. Collecting empty pill cups. Dead bugs. Evaluate and mock the painting in the hall. Snatch tea bags and sugar cubes from the caffeteria...

Normal life is so 'pretend to be busy' all the time. Fuck this multitasking bs, it's killing my attention span and focus. I used to be so much better than this... I'm a disappointment to myself, in the way I've lost all that capacity I had. I had endless ideas and a parrion to create, even when I had no materials, no resources, no money as a kid/as a teenager. I stole stuff from school, things that they had an aboundage of but I had way more use for than they would ever have. Collecting scraps and things I found on the streets... I miss that.

I just watched a video about this game called Pathologic. The video was over 2 hours long, no ads, I was planning on multitasking but I'm glad I didn't. I sat trough it fairly calmly, I didn't worry about 'running out of time, I should be sleeping'. I feel more calm than usual... The game also makes a great deal about resource scarecity and -management. The athmosphere feels, to me at least, cut off from the rest of the world. There is this inpending doom, this illness spreading. There is just something about that, that scrathes an itch. The game is really long too, and most of the time you're stuck with your thoughts while walking around to take care of tasks. One of the main characters is able to brew medicine out of herbs and you can find and trade around shit like needles and bottles, ammo, food and flowers or whatever... There is just something about that...

Like why...am I making this so complicated to myself? Can I just keep life simple like that? I have a lot of things I most likely do not need. I know I have an issue of getting too sentimental over all sorts of misc items. Can they just be items. Things I can 'trade', for money. Not things with feelings attached. I'm not sure why it's so hard to let go of things, material or mental.

I get some kind of kicks out of the thought of being doomed. Like, I feel fine now but something is coming for me and it's bad. I know I'm not strong or smart in a way that is too useful in today's society, but resourceful is something I would like to be. Independent, as in 'know how to fix your own car if it breaks'. (car as an example. I don't own a car)

Like it's so fascinating, to think of a life as a survival game... Where you can collect things and craft other thing from those things. Living alone is resource management. Money can be used to purchase things from stores. I wish I knew more ways to make money, my comissions are kind of an underground thing but reciving a few hard earned euros feels about as good if not better than the next big hit of dopamine from doom scrolling. Really makes you think carefully about how you're gonna spend those few euros. I even keep seperate the money I've actually earned and the benefits I live off of. Since I don't actually have any other income. I wish I knew how to earn some more underground credit...

I was thinking that, since I 'owe myself a loan' and I'm really struggling to scrape any extra savings to pay it off, maybe I should have like a super low budget for anything else than food and necessities and bills. Like a rediculously low amount. 10€ a week? I didn't even have weekly allowance as a kid, that sounds like a lot in a way but yeah... but how do I define nessecities?... are, for example, plastic bags a nessecity or not? Or clothes?

Probably better idea to stick to the goal of ~60€ a week for food and necessities, add the 10€ to that but the 10€ can be spent on treats and other, not-absolutely-necessary, most likely seacond hand shop stuff and art supplies, even tho I have enough and more than I have use for currently....

I'll need to think about it in action.

[weabooweedwitch]

I'm a fan of your work and generally like you but I have to be honest and say that it's super fucked up and really selfish of you to choose hanging out with your buddies who you literally just saw last week over helping your abused and victimized sister who is in the hospital. Not to mention acting like the trip is so important and unmissable to try to justify it when it's just a casual hangout with friends and again you literally just saw them a week ago and can see them again later. Sorry to be blunt but that's how I feel. You're being really selfish. She might not get mad at you because abuse victims usually don't realise when they deserve better but it seems to me that you maybe don't care about her much? I'm shocked and disappointed because I thought you were a kind person, maybe this kind of thing is why she doesn't talk to you much. You were also talking shit about her on this blog when you found out she was abused too which ngl was pretty fucked up. Sorry I usually like you and appreciate your content and don't want to say something that will make you feel bad but I can't look past this without saying something, I feel really sorry for your sister and the *abject horrors* she's been through and you're prioritising a casual trip and acting like it's a hard choice and you're the one who is in a bad position. It's so fucked up. I really hope you have a change of heart and cancel your trip to tend to your poor sister during this horrible traumatising time for her. You can't understand the *real* traumas she has been subjected to being truly abused and truly beaten down by so many people. She needs support, not to feel like even her own family doesn't care, this is very serious and important. Sorry I feel a little bad chastising you but i feel even worse for your poor sister. She has it so hard.

You know there are a lot of things I could reply to this huge text wall. I could bring up that it's extremely uncalled for that you randomly blame me for my sister not communicating which has been an issue for almost as long as the both of us have been able to speak. I could bring up your line about judging her being attacked which I assume is you referring to my criticism of HOW she was attacked which was doing coke with strangers which uh im sorry that's not an invalid thing to criticize in the slightest, or how her experience with domestic violence was from a guy that was showing red flags all along and by her own admission they were horrible for each other but she stayed with him anyways and it horribly escalated. I could bring up that I'm also mentally ill with my own traumas and was planning to kill myself with the pills I quite literally carry with me on a daily basis until these friends came back into my life and one thing they've taught me is that I deserve to be happy and that I don't always need to seek validation from others

But I guess if you really want me to cut to the quick and not be polite with you I think I would say it's vaguely chronically online and parasocial that you're so emotionally invested and disappointed by and putting all your hopes on someone that you probably never even spoken with one on one or have even any sort of vague relationship besides uh, I write the stalker porn content you consume

Sorry, but I guess this is also on me for treating my blog as a feelings journal and seeing the validation of strangers. I'm not a Salvation Army endlessly dispensing sympathy until it kills me. My relationship with my sister and the dynamic from my entire family is not really something for an internet rando to insert themselves into, to be quite frank about it

[beesandbee]

tw//sewerslide mention, techno's death

i was in my freshman year of high school when i started watching Techno. i was at a horribly low point in my mental health, and i wanted an out.

i found him through the 1v1 with dream. id been watching the dream team for a month or so at that point, but something about Techno was interesting.

the next day, i planned to kill myself. i was going to watch a few last youtube videos, take a bunch of pills, and go to sleep.

instead, i stayed up for most of the night watching Techno's old videos. something about his content and the way he spoke made me happy in a way i hadnt had in MONTHS, and i decided that if something could make me that happy, then it was worth it to stick around for it.

when i couldnt sleep since then, ive always put on an old Techno video. usually the skywars videos where he just sat and rambled--at some point, i think i had most of them memorized.

Techno is the reason i stuck around, and as wrong as it feels to be here without him, hes the reason i can say im still trying. i have a girlfriend now, im an editor in a publication, i made friends and got over a lot of my anxious habits. the first plushie i got of his is still and will forever be my safety item. he covers my room in a way that is so intrinsic that it is less 'Technoblade' and more 'Home'.

i will not lie and say i dont miss him. i have not done well the past few days, and barely spoke to a lot of the important people in my life. but ive decided that i want to remember the good things he did and the happiness he brought me when nobody else could seem to get through, and i am going to be okay because i know that if he finds out i followed him then ill be right behind God in his fighting line.

[godshideouscreation]

Secret: I’m still in love with and deeply worried about my ex. We’re both recovering addicts and when she left me I was completely self-destructing and she left me for someone in our orbit so I just kinda went harder, but I lived and got clean. She and the new guy have been together for five years and engaged for most of that time and have also been to rehab, but he keeps relapsing and I worry about her constantly, not just because she’s dealing with that but about her relapsing as well. Some part of me wishes we could be a thing again but I know that won’t solve anything, I just want her to be happy and healthy, and I don’t know if I can give that to her either.

Loving somebody who is struggling with an addiction while you are also struggling with an addiction has got to be one of the most painful experiences I've ever had in my life. So I just have to say to start this off that I'm sorry that you're going through that. Watching someone you love be unable to get their life together while you are trying desperately to get your life together is a lot.

In 2018 I was in love with a heroin addict and struggling with a (benzos) pill addiction. In a lot of ways, we leaned on each other and depended on each other for support. I talked to him everyday, I was there for him through truly fucked up shit. Through rehab several times, and even in times where his own family didn't talk to him. For all the time he spent in prison. I put money on his books so that he could make phone calls and eat something other than prison gunk. I've never loved anybody in the way that I loved him and I probably never will. It was intense, consuming. For almost 2 years he was clean, and when he got out the last time, he relapsed it ended up killing him. On the night that he died he told me he loved me, and then he hung up a phone and stuck a needle in his arm and died.

I've never wanted to die more in my life than when I found that out. And that's from somebody who has struggled with my mental illness from a very young age. That's saying a lot because I had several suicide attempts before I even turned 18. I felt like what was the point? We were working towards this future that we both wanted so bad. I felt stupid. I was so angry. So fucking hurt. Even though I knew from struggling with my own addiction how hard it was. He was the one thing that was keeping me together and keeping me from falling off. I had to start focusing on myself. I had literally poured everything out of my cup into his. I've never felt more empty in my entire life. I've experienced other kinds of loss since then, but nothing that has monumentally fucked me up like that. I've been clean since 2018 because of that. Because I never wanted to make anybody that I cared about feel the way that I did. I got pretty sick from withdrawal and the one thing that kept me going was that awful feeling, and not wanting to give that to anyone else.

I'm telling you this because even though you absolutely can love somebody so much, with every fiber of your being, you can't love them into getting their life together. Sometimes the only thing that you can do is just continue to focus on yourself. And honestly, it does seem like her situation is not a good one. It seems like she leans into somebody who is not healthy for her and you said that y'all are in the same orbit, so I'm sure it's hard to watch that. My best advice to her would be to focus on herself, but sometimes it takes that kind of experience before you can even think about focusing on yourself. I was stubborn as hell and I don't think there's anything that anybody could have told me that would have made me step away from him. The only options were get clean or die trying. I don't know if y'all are still friends or talk at all, I think it's valid to want to be there for somebody! but I don't want you to do it at a detriment to your health or your success either.

Keep focusing on you. Keep your life together. Maybe there will be a time when you guys both have a place in each other's life. But don't make that your priority.

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for dating Rue Bennett

Rue Bennett x reader

warnings: its not 100% soft. its rue, so theres a lot of triggering content ahead, drugs, mental health/illness, alcohol, violence/fighting, nsfw(ish), and then some.

a/n:

prompt: anonymous: “can i request a headcanon for dating rue bennett ??”

it wasn’t always easy, but you did love each other dearly

you had to look out for her (her mom had asked you to, anyway)

there were ups and downs to your relationship

lets start with the ups!

she couldn’t stand being away from you

“can we just cuddle in bed for a while? please? watch some netflix, too?” -rue

“duh, what else would we do?” -you, kissing her forehead

she loves ur kisses

but she also loves giving kisses

specifically when you’re feeling down because she likes to feel useful and cheering you up is like, the greatest reward to her

“rue....get off me....” -you

“not until you cheer” *kiss* “the fuck” *kiss* “up” -rue

“you cant make me” -you

“oh yes i can!” -rue, going koala mode and latching onto you while she peppers you with kisses until you cant hold in your laughter

you remind her to take her meds

no matter where you are

“babe, don’t forget to take your meds” -you

y/n ❤️: remember you meds! miss you! 😘😘

dear rue, please take your meds today. i love you! -y/n

at least she knew you cared

but she did get agitated you “didn’t trust her” sometimes

“babe, it’s not like that! i just want to make sure you—” -you

“i what? i become a fucking zombie? i don’t go fucking crazy and decide to go smoke crack or some shit? give me a goddamn break, y/n!” -rue

“i’m just looking out for you, rue” -you

“i don’t need you to look out for me, i can look out for myself!” -rue

“oh yeah, is that right? is that why your sister had to call 911 for you when you OD’d?” -you

“you know what? i don’t need this shit! get the fuck away from me! go!” -rue

but she’d usually come back to you in tears and apologize

unless you were in the wrong, if you were you’d give her some space and let someone know to keep an eye on her

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry. god, i don’t wanna drive you away, you’re the only person on my side. please forgive me, please” -rue

“i forgive you rue, it’s okay. come here” -you, letting her fall into your arms

her mom always had you over for dinner on fridays

and she communicated with you daily, either to check in on you yourself or let you know she needed help with rue

going to parties together, even if you didn’t enjoy them that much

“wanna find an empty room and have some fun?” -you

“yes i really fucking do” -rue

you two take turns sitting on each other’s laps

when rue OD’d, everyone reached out to you thinking she died, you had to clear it up without giving up too much of her business, but rumors still spread

and when rue was in rehab, you’d sleep over in her bed just to feel closer to her

gia kinda fought for rue’s attention at times, she was a lil jealous at how much the two of you hung out

but gia liked you still!! you were like family to her

“i really wish my dad could’ve met you. he wouldve liked you” -rue

“you don’t mention him that much, wanna talk about him?” -you

sometimes you and rue would stay up all night talking about anything

and just fall asleep mid sentence

you were very well informed when it came to her mental illness

sometimes you’d accidentally get into arguments with her mom while trying to explain what’s going on inside rue’s mind

“mrs. bennett, she can’t just stop having an episode! this isn’t something she’s doing on purpose, you have to understand that or else she’s never gonna get any better!” -you

“you are not her mother, i am! she’s fucking crazy, i’ve been dealing with the same old shit for seventeen years, you have no idea how bad she is!” -leslie

“but this isn’t helping her, it’s making it worse! what if you drive her away? all she wants is for you to try to understand what she’s going through and let her know that you’re there for her!” -you

“no, y/n, all she wants is to get high and kill herself” -leslie

you could tell when rue was getting worse

and when you found her stashes, you got pissed

“what the fuck is this?” -you, holding up pills

“are you going through my shit now?” -rue

“i was actually trying to find the forty bucks you stole from me, i just happened to find this” -you

“give that back, those are mine!” -rue

“no, no, no! i believe i paid for these, didn’t i? why don’t i have some?” -you

“dont you fucking dare” -rue

“why not? are you worried for me or for your pills? which is it?” -you

she talked about you when she went to NA

and how much you meant to her

and how she thought you were disappointed in her

and how bad she felt that she was “dragging you down”

but how you’d always lift her up and she didn’t know if she could live without you

ali told her that relationships wouldn’t be good for her right now, especially if she depended on you like that

but she didn’t give a FUCK she’d just love you harder

and honestly you guys always bounced back

sometimes she’d even set up “date night” which was usually just eating ramen in her room, watching r-rated movies, dancing in the dark, getting naked (or just shirtless), and making out

whatever works for yall amirite

but the way you two held each other was something that others should envy

and you’d never get tired of seeing each other smile

**disclaimer: don’t romanticize mental illness and addiction and don’t force yourself into a relationship with someone just to help them with their struggles! have a nice day/night!!**

taglist: @ravenmoore14 // @thisetaernallove //

[darylsgirl]

Hes just like the Sun Part 2 Daryl x Reader 18+

Summary: Reader goes missing, Daryl gives up the search after only a few weeks and starts getting closer to another woman. When he finds sign of the reader again but rick is the one to save you. Daryl cant handle seeing you broken and pulls away.

Warnings: A lot of cussing, Domestic violence, Assault

*Hello my lovelies! This was meant to be one long chapter but I've split it into two parts so expect a part 3 :) As always please let me know what you think of this chapter and if i can improve! As always i hope your having a lovely day!*

Part one                            Part Three

It had only been 4 months since that glorious night with Daryl, Since he had professed his love to you and you to him. 

He had spent every waking moment since then showing his love. Proving he would protect you against anything, He couldn’t have known that he would be away when you needed him most… 

You had just been to the gates and waved Daryl goodbye. He had left on a run with Rick, Rosita, Sasha and Abraham. Sniffing slightly you headed back to your home ready to just get in bed and have his smell engulf you for a few hours before you needed to go to work. 

You knew it was silly he would only be gone a week tops he said but that may as well been a century to you. 

You also knew for the next week you would lay awake at night worried out of your mind wondering if something was going to stop him coming back to you. The thought crushed your chest. You couldn’t be without him now, He was your sun, Your every breath. 

You made it back to your’s and Daryl’s bed wrapping your arms around yourself snuggling into his pillow, It was so strange how the smell of Motor oil could be so Damn comforting! You prayed silently to yourself that the first lead they were going to check out would pay off as that would mean he would be back to you within 2 days.

You lay there hugging yourself tightly for a few hours before begrudgingly dragging yourself into the shower and heading to work. The infirmary was bustling that day fortunately for you, unfortunately for your neighbours. There seemed to be a bug going around the town, Which is why Daryl had to leave you in the first place to go and get life saving antibiotics.

It was ironic that illnesses that could be cured with one pill before could cause so much death now when antibiotics are becoming so difficult to find. You looked around the room and silently pleaded with god to let them find something quickly! 

It was pushing 10pm when you were finally on your way home after a final check on one of your elderly patients. You couldn’t wait to get in the shower and scrub the day away and knowing Carol she would have dinner waiting for you. You smiled thinking of Carol you really did love that woman, She had become like your mother taking care of you and always being there. 

Distracted by your thoughts your guard was down and you hadn’t noticed him dart out of the darkness between the houses. 

You looked around wildly fighting the arms that had clamped around your mouth and chest dragging you backwards. You froze,You knew the sound of that breathing anywhere, You could feel the ice in your veins. It was fucking Spencer. 

Daryl’s POV. 

It had been 8 days since he had left. Y/N was going to kill him for being too long and worrying her. He pushed his bike to the limits just like the first night he had met her racing back towards the gate, Where he knew she would be waiting. Grinning from ear to ear with excitement bubbling in his chest he saw the gates come into view. 

When he got close he only saw Carol waiting for him, He never expected the news she was about to give him. The second the words “She’s….gone….Missing” crossed her lips he ran towards their home screaming for her. Carol hot on his heels, He charged into the house straight to their room “Y/N? Y/N?” he ran from room to room in the home screaming still for her before going outside and collapsing at Carol’s feet. 

His fingers were ripping at his hair and face desperately trying to cling to anything he could. “WHERE IS SHE” He screamed up at Carol. She silently joined him in the middle of the road pulling him into her arms while he sobbed.

Y/N pov

You watched him through the hole in the black paint, It had taken you a while. The paint was thick but you had finally managed to make a hole big enough to see out of but small enough for Spencer not to notice.

Your heart broke watching your man screaming for you, You’d have given anything to be able to rush out of there and wrap your arms around him and tell him everything was ok, Just as he had done for you so many times. You had never seen him so distraught and you hated yourself for being the cause of that. You tried to scream but only a rasping whisper came out of you, It was like the nightmare you always had being so close to help but not being able to call out. 

Then you heard it, The boots coming down the stairs you flung yourself into the corner hands covering every inch of skin you could. You heard the door at the bottom of the stairs open, Footsteps were closer now. He approached the door of the laundry room you were being kept in. The light hurt your eyes as the door flew open.

Daryl Pov

Once Carol had gotten him to calm down a little with the help off Rick and the others who had been on the run they pulled him into the house and to the kitchen Island settling him on a stool whilst Carol hurriedly made tea. 

Once everyone had a cup, Rick finally spoke up “C’mon Carol your killing us here. What do you mean Y/N is missing. What happened?” 

Daryl met Carol’s eyes now and listened intently as she started her explanation, Choosing to give just the facts as she didn’t think Daryl could handle much more. 

“We realised she was missing around midnight on the day you left, When she still hadn’t come home. I went to find Denise who said that she had left work at half 9 and would be stopping in to see Mrs Turner on her way home. I asked Mrs Turner who said Y/N had left around half an hour later.” 

“I’ve spoken to everyone in the town, Most were asleep at the time and No one has seen her since. So we know she went missing within those two blocks around 10pm that night. There is also no gear, weapons or food missing from anyone’s home so we know she didn’t just choose to leave” 

Rick put his hand on Daryl’s shoulder, sighing “You should go get some rest brother, Leave it to us” 

Daryl growled throwing Rick’s arm from him “I. Aint. Goin. Fuckin.Nowhere” He spat through gritted teeth. Rick looked over worried before deciding to let it go, God knows if it was him he wouldn’t have left either. “Ok so tell us Carol, Where have you searched so far?” Daryl had never paid more attention to anything in his life. 

After formulating a plan between the six of you, Daryl pushed himself up from the island feeling grateful for a moment that you had arrived not too long after sunrise and you had a good few hours of sunlight left to search. He silently made a promise to her that he wouldn’t stop till she was back in his arms again. 

Y/N 

You woke in your basement cell shaking from the dreams of the night you were taken. The first few weeks had been the worst. He had inflicted every punishment imaginable on you trying to break you. He laid off those when he realised that wasn’t going to happen. As long as you knew Daryl was out there looking for you, You could keep going too for him. You had to keep hope in your heart he was going to find you. Spencer still took you everyday but you had stopped fighting it now and just became numb as you knew you had to just lay silent or face the cattle prod. He really seemed to like that thing.

You still saw Daryl in the street sometimes, At night sitting on the porch alone with a whiskey and a cigarette looking haunted staring into the night. 

There was one day you dared to believe you could have been saved. You woke to hear him outside of your blacked out window, He had fought with Spencer and pinned him on the front lawn while Rick had searched the house. Finding nothing, She couldn’t understand how they had completely missed the basement! Every house in Alexandria had one! You knew if Daryl hadn’t been out there with him he would have known to check here, he would have found you. Every part of her was screaming for her to call out and scream Daryl’s name and begging him to save her. 

She had tried a few times to scream but only a quiet rasping breath left her, Her throat was red raw and no matter how hard she tried nothing would come out. 

Daryl had let Spencer back up still glaring at him While Rick explained “Look man we had to check, You’re the only person in this town that could of possibly wanted to hurt Y/N We had to be sure” 

Spencer replied “I haven’t even looked at Y/N since that day. I did as I was told and kept to myself. I’ve done my job for Alexandria. I didn’t do anything, I’d appreciate it if you’d keep him away from me and leave me alone!” At that Daryl lunged for him again with Rick stopping him before he got to Spencer. 

“Fair is fair now we’ve checked your house we’ll leave you be” Rick grabbed by the shoulders and walked him back to your house and inside to calm him down. 

Spencer’s Pov

He watched them leave and darted back into the house, Stupid fuckin hillbilly he thought to himself, Walking into kitchen he grabbed a water and let his mind wander. 

He had kept his head down and bided his time, Deanna, his mother had finally gotten rick to agree to let him move back into his home. Almost immediately he had set to work in the laundry room downstairs, Moving the machines out, Moving a mattress in, Adding a deadbolt to the top and bottom of the door. Perfect, Now he just had to wait a little longer for his revenge.

 He was going to get that little bitch back for the humiliation, She didn’t get to make a fool out of him and then be happy! Making him watch them both across the road night after night all on each other. 

He bet she knew what she was doing too, Teasing him like this. Flaunting herself all over town with him! What she was even doing with the dirty redneck he would never know when she could have him. He was better for her, She needed him and he was going to make her see it. 

Two months, Two months he had waited and watched pretending to have no interest. When finally the opportunity presented itself, He was walking the back way home trying to avoid the eyes people now made at him when he saw her. 

She was leaving Mrs Turners and walking alone down the empty dark street, He waited until she was about to turn onto their street where the houses were either unoccupied or all the lights were off when he sprinted towards her wrapping his hand around her mouth and dragging her backwards through the back gardens and into his, She started fighting again when she saw he was taking her into the house. He overpowered her easily taking her down the stairs and into the laundry room, He threw her on the mattress on the floor and left bolting the door behind him. She could scream all she wanted, No one would hear her now. 

Daryl’s Pov

After a few weeks it was just Him, Rick and Carol still searching. They were all sitting on his front porch, His eyes scanning every blade of grass as he had been for weeks. 

Rick cleared his throat “Brother you can’t keep this up anymore and I know what you're gonna say so don’t rip my head off but you need to rest. You need to sit down and eat a real meal or you will be in no condition to keep searching. We’ve looked everywhere in a 100 mile radius and there is no sign of her. I’m not sayin give up on her brother but you need to start taking care of yourself Y/N would hate it if she knew you weren’t” 

Daryl felt the sobs coming up his throat, Rick was right there was nothing to go on. No tracks. No sightings. No sign of any trouble or walkers. She had just vanished into thin air. 

Carol was at his side again consoling him “Ya right Rick, I hate ya but ya right” He let Carol guide him back into the house and to the spare bedroom, He hadn’t been able to set foot in their room, It just wasn’t the same without her. 

She lay him on the bed and left to go grab him some of one of the many crock pot dinners the housewives of Alexandria had dropped off for him, Now they knew he wasn’t gay they were circling him like vulchers all vying to be the one to take Y/N’s place if she didn’t return. He had ignored all of their pity, They could keep it. He didn’t need it. 

The only solace he had found over this time was Nicole, She was the one he had saved a few months back when they had stumbled across her alone in the street and brought her to the infirmary where Denise & Y/N had patched her up before the Town had decided to take her in. 

He can’t remember how his unlikely friendship with her had come from she was just there always at his side, The only one to not look at him like a degenerate to be pitied. They sat in comfortable silence at first before they had started opening up to each other, She was pretty he guessed she had nothin on Y/N but he was still flattered when she had asked him for help with combat. He knew it was probably just an excuse to distract him but he was grateful for the distraction nonetheless. 

Y/N pov

You couldn’t believe he had given up, for weeks he had heard him shouting her name and heard them sitting on their front porch discussing how they would find her tomorrow.. But Tomorrow never came.

He still sat on the porch every night but now he was no longer alone, He no longer looked haunted. You guessed you were happy that he looked happier, more relaxed and even sometimes laughed. You just couldn’t stand that Spencer was right. You had probably just been a passing fling to him, The memories you had of Daryl were becoming warped with you spending your days analysing everything to try to find a moment where that seemed to be true, You were a fool and fell hook line and sinker.

Now you knew he had given up on you, Spencer didn’t need to try and break you any more, You were already broken. 

He had started letting you out of the room for longer. At first it was just to use the bathroom and then to make you cook for him. Soon you were out the entire time he was home and only locked up at night he would make you lie in the bed with him all night pawing at you or subjecting you to monstrosities you couldn't even fathom or dare to think about then lock you up in the morning before he left. This was the only time you could actually sleep, safe from him knowing he wasn’t here to bring you back out again. 

Throughout you had refused to even give him the satisfaction of speaking to him or making a noise during any of this. 

The routine became monotonous. Leave the cell, take birth control, make his dinner, sit on the floor by his chair, Wait to see if he gave you any scraps. Go to bed, Lie awake all night crying. Back to cell. Cry some more and then finally sleep before the routine started all over again. You had stopped trying to see him or anything outside, You just couldn’t take it. 

You took a particularly bad beating this morning for burning his breakfast, Hugging yourself on the bare mattress you passed out from the pain.

Daryl’s pov

He still felt guilt for giving up the search but Rick was right, There was nothing to be seen. It didn’t stop his eyes from constantly searching for some clue that she had ever been here. 

He looked down from the tower and saw Nicole approaching waving at him to come down. He took one last look out over the walls before climbing down to her

“Hey D.. Spencer’s been put on guard duty straight after you, Do you want me to take over?” 

“Nah Girl i’m fine. His face won’t be if he tries to talk to me though” 

She smiled up at him and reached forward giving him a lingering hug, Daryl cleared his throat starting to feel a little uncomfortable. She backed her head away from him slowly looking into his eyes and kissed him gently before pulling away fully and looking at her feet. 

Daryl was still frozen in place not knowing how to react when she mumbled “Okay then, Well i guess ill see you later?” He just nodded and rushed back up to the tower. Guilt back in his chest. He hadn’t known that Nicole had felt like that about him and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. His heart still fully belonged to Y/N and he didn’t think he would ever have room for anyone else, not at least until he knew what had happened to her. 

Daryl resumed his aimless search beyond the gates searching all the faces of the walkers who had been put down recently to see if any of them could have any of Y/N’s features. He heard Spencer talking to Rick and figured his watch was probably up.

Daryl climbed down from the tower and faced them both waiting for them to finish their conversation, He noticed Nicole heading over and tried to ignore her. He looked Spencer over and that's when he saw it.

Rushing Spencer grabbing him by his neck and throwing him against the gate. “WHERE IS SHE” Rick tried to pull Daryl off of him. “Daryl c’mon brother we searched his place he had nothin to do with it” 

“Oh yeah? Then what’s this?” He reached forward ripping your sunflower from the lapel of Spencer's coat and offered it to Rick. 

“This could be anyone’s Daryl, Let’s not jump to the wrong conclusion” Rick mumbled 

Daryl Growled back “Turn it over, It’s got mine and hers initials on the back.”

Rick turned the pin over and saw it did in fact have the initials on the back. Giving the pin back to Daryl.

“Spencer, Why do you have that?” Rick said, pulling his gun out and training it on Spencer's head.

Spencer had gone sheet white “Yeah it’s hers, She left it at the house when she left me” He shrugged “Couldn’t have meant that much to her” He smirked slightly causing Daryl to jab him in the throat. 

Rick pulled Daryl away “She were wearin it when I left Asshole, The day she went missin, Na tell me WHERE IS SHE” 

Spencer was silent now, Holding his throat and gasping. Daryl turned to Rick “We needa search his place again, Naw!” 

They both lunged forward and grabbed Spencer dragging him between them towards his home, On the march over a few of their original group followed. “What’s going on?” Rosita asked

“We found proof he knows where Y/N is” Rick replied shortly, still dragging Spencer. The group followed more urgently now. They threw Spencer on the ground in front of the house, “Watch him” Daryl growled at Abe who nodded in response. 

They tore through the house searching again. “There’s still nothin here Daryl, We need to interrogate him get some answers'' 

“Nah she's here, I can feel it. Were missin somethin” Daryl’s eyes scanned the hallway “Wait, That bookcase... It aint meant to be there, Help me move it” They both grabbed a side and shifted it. “The basement, This has to be it” Rick said excitedly. They opened the door and ran down the stairs, Eyes instantly locking on the dead bolt on the laundry room door. “There” Rick pointed towards the door Daryl ran over “Y/N” He yelled.

Daryl unlocked the door and what he saw brought him to his knees. “Y/N” He said softly this time. Crawling over to you and shaking you. “Y/N Please Y/N Answer me” He sobbed. He stood up and backed out of the room into Rick. He couldn’t look anymore; he didn’t want to remember her like this. Naked and battered. Dead on a thin mattress on the floor. He was too late, She was still human so this could have only just happened. He was so close.  She had been here only a few houses away all this time, He would never forgive himself for this “It’s ok, I’ll take care of it. Get outta here Daryl” 

Y/N

Daryl? You tried to open your eyes but they were just too heavy. You were sure you heard him and it sounded close. You fought your eyes for a few minutes begging them to open when you felt something being dragged over you, Your hand instinctively reached up to protect yourself. 

Hands grabbed at your shoulders and shook you. “Y/N...Y/N? Can you hear me?” You nodded your head slowly, finally managing to open your eyes. Your eyes roamed the room looking for Daryl. You were sure you had heard him. You tried to speak to ask where he was but all that came out was a painful croak. 

Rick pulled you into his arms softly “It’s ok, It’s ok now. You’re safe. I got you” He muttered softly pulling you closer to him. “I’m going to carry you outta here now, Is that okay Y/N?” You nodded and let him lift you into his arms gently feeling his skin against yours as he had used his shirt to try and cover your nakedness. He adjusted the shirt so it was covering you more fully and carried you through the house to the front porch. 

You saw Daryl now he was on his knees on the floor hands covered in blood, His head in Nicole's arms and in front of him was Spencer he wasn’t moving his eyes were wide, He was dead. 

You tried to call out to Daryl again reaching your arm out slightly. “Shh Y/N Don’t try to talk. We gotta get you to Denise” Rick looked at you and saw the blood staining the shirt he had used to cover you. “Shit, We gotta go now. Stay awake for me Y/N Just stay awake” 

He took off running with you still in his arms “DENISE, DENISE GET OUT HERE NOW” “Stay awake Y/N. Don’t you dare go to sleep on me” You gripped rick tighter with your arms trying to reassure him that you were still conscious. 

Daryl looked up tentatively not believing what he was seeing, Two minutes ago he was so sure you were dead and now Rick was rushing you away, It made no sense. 

They placed you on the examination table in the infirmary Denise quickly removing and assessing your wounds. “Rick grab me some morphine from that cabinet, I also need a needle, wire and some gauze should all be in there” 

He hurriedly put them all on the table next to you and watched her start work, He looked down at you and realised you were naked again. “Uhm Denise if there's nothing else you need. I’ll go and update the guys waiting” You looked at him panicked now grabbing his hand and shook your head no at him. 

“Ok Y/N, OK. I got you, I’m not going anywhere” He sat with you and held your hand the entire time Denise was working you over only letting go to help her or grab something. 

“We’re done, Would you take her through to the other room and get her in a more comfortable bed? And I'll go grab her some food and water.” He nodded at her and mumbled an apology to you before putting his arms around you and lifting you back to his chest again. 

You were shocked by how comforting it was feeling his skin on yours, You nuzzled your head into his chest as he carried you, Finally feeling safe in someone’s arms, Rick tried to put you down on the bed but you couldn’t face this feeling being gone, You knew if he did you would wake up and it would all be a dream. 

Rick looked at you torn but ultimately decided to lie down with you letting you curl into his body. Denise was back then eyeing the two of you before handing over the tray with stew and a bottle of water, Rick nodded his head at her before offering you the tray. The stew was heaven going down you smiled up at Denise gratefully. 

Washing it down with the bottle of water, You tried to speak again. “Daryl..?” Thank god you were scared after two months it may have taken a lot longer for your vocal chords to warm up. Rick just looked at you and shrugged “I thought he’d of been in here by now, I’m sure he will be along soon” 

You took another drink of water “Did he ever love me?” You croaked out desperately. You felt the tears fall down your face, “He never loved me” 

Rick cleared his throat “Any chance you can get her something to wear Denise?” 

Daryl’s pov

He felt Nicole's arms around him dragging him away from Spencer, He had killed her so he had killed him. Daryl had promised him he would, He just wished he had done it sooner, If he had, None of this shit would have happened and he would be lying in bed right now with Y/N happy. 

He was crying into Nicole's chest now wrapping his arms around her and holding on for dear life when he heard a commotion from behind him. He didn’t look. What was the point? Nothing mattered any more. 

Nicole was shaking him then “Daryl, Daryl look” You followed her eye line and saw her, Her eyes were open she was alive? 

He was acutely aware of everything now. He could hear rick screaming for help, Y/N curling arms around his neck as he ran. Carol at his side pulling him to his feet. “C’mon Daryl we gotta get you cleaned up.” He let Carol drag him home in shock. She turned to Nicole “I’ve got him now, I think you should get going. I need to get him to Y/N” She glared at her now, Nicole breaking under the glare “mm okay, I’ll come see you later D?” 

Carol snapped back “I don’t think that’s wise, Bye now” She pulled Daryl into the house with more urgency and sat him down on the same stool she sat him on when she told him Y/N was missing. Carol then brought a wet cloth over and started cleaning his hands, Cleaning the cloth and repeating until the blood was gone, Next she worked on his face and neck removing all signs of the fight with Spencer. 

As she was finishing up there was a frantic knocking on the door, Rushing over to answer she found Denise on the porch. “Hey Carol, Sorry to bother you so late! Any chance you could grab some clothes for Y/N and something for her to sleep in? Oh um also…. Daryl….Could Rick borrow a shirt?” 

Carol smiled at her “Come in Denise, I’ll just be a minute” Carol disappeared down to the basement while Denise made her way to Daryl. 

“You ok?” He briefly nodded back at her. “She is too, you know in case you were wondering?” Was she making it out like he didn’t care? Was she fuckin kiddin? Of course he cared. He just couldn’t face her yet, The shame was overbearing. She had been so close and he hadn’t been the one to save her. 

Carol came back with a handful of clothes and gave them to Daryl. “Go on now, You’ll take these and let poor Denise get some rest!” He just nodded numb knowing better than to even try and argue with Carol. Getting to his feet he shuffled to the door and down to the infirmary. It took him 5 minutes of pacing outside the door before he could get up the courage to go in. 

He knocked on the door Denise had told him they would be in and his heart broke again. There she was still as beautiful as ever, Still naked and wrapped in the wrong arms. It was a nightmare he would have most nights, He threw his shirt at Rick. Glaring at him, Rick tried to move away from Y/N now Daryl was here. “Noo, You said you wouldn’t leave me Rick” She croaked, Rick looked over at Daryl Apologetically before trying to calm Y/N

Daryl knelt on his knees at the side of the bed and tried to hold her hand, Y/N pulled away as if she had been shocked. Fresh tears running down her face. 

She looked up at Rick again. “It’s ok Y/N your safe, He won’t hurt you” 

Y/N’s POV

Daryl was here, He was really here after the last two months desperate to have him see you, You now didn’t know what to do. You were scared he didn’t love you, So why would he be here now. 

You looked at his warily seeing the torment on his face when you pulled away from him and into Rick. Rick said it was safe but was it? You let Rick pull away this time. “Ok, If you say so. Could you uh give us a minute?” 

“Sure Y/N i'll leave you guys too it” 

You nodded a thanks and watched him leave throwing a shirt over his head as he went. You sat in silence watching the door Rick left through. 

“Y/N” His voice was trembling. “Y/N please look at me” “Baby PLEASE” You flinched and wrapped your arms around yourself when he raised his voice. 

“No baby no, Ya aint gotta be scared of me, Please i’d never, I couldn’t. I love ya Y/N” 

Your eyes flared feeling the anger “No you don’t, I could see you. I saw you give up on me. I saw you laughing and getting closer to her. I was made to watch all of it, While he told me how much you didn’t care and all the things you were doing that I couldn’t see…. He said….He said you didn’t love me..,You can’t love me...Look at me Daryl who could ever love me now” 

You felt the bed sink as he climbed onto it with you, You tried to squirm away from him but his arms found you first, He pulled you into his chest and you instantly felt calm...That damn motor oil smell mixed with him was enough to make you melt. You hated that he had this effect on you even now. 

“I’m so sorry baby, I should’ve been here to protect ya, I should’ve been the one to save ya.” He was hugging you tighter and tighter now “I thought ya were dead, I was gonna join ya” He murmured into your hair. 

“I never gave up on ya, not really. I searched every face i saw waiting for ya to come back to me” 

You still stayed silent, too scared to interrupt him you knew he wouldn’t open up like this to you again and as much as your mind was telling you he was lying to you, Your heart was opening up to him again. You wrapped your arms around him suddenly sobbing. 

“I aint ever stop loving you sunflower, Ya my whole heart”

“Why...Look at me i’m ruined” You stuttered

“Ya aint ruined, Ya strong, incredible beautiful” 

“I’m not Daryl, I let him break me. You don’t know the things he did if you knew you’d hate me”

“I’d never hate you Y/N, No matter what he did it wouldn’t change how I feel. Ya can tell me anything.” 

You lay in each other's arms till morning in silence both wide awake just grateful you were in this moment together. When the sun started coming through the windows he broke the silence. 

“Let’s get ya dressed k?” You nodded and let him help you out of bed and pull your pyjamas over you. Once you had finished Denise walked in. “Good morning Y/N How are you feeling?” 

“Sore...Tired… Can i go home now?”

“I’d really like you to stay here for a few more days so i can keep an eye on you but you know your body. D’ya think you will be okay?” 

You nodded quickly to her “Can you took me home? I’d really like to be in my own bed - I mean your bed….If that’s okay?” You looked up at him nervously half expecting him to tell you it was no longer your home. 

He nodded at you. Denise piped up again “Fine but complete bed rest, I’ll be checking on you every few hours i don’t want to catch you on your feet, not even once until you’ve healed more” 

Daryl pulled you into his arms sweeping you off your feet. “Ya heard the lady stay off your feet, Thank ya Doc” 

He strode out of the office quickly happy to have you back in his arms again. It seemed the whole town was out to see you leave waiting on news, Daryl growled at the ones who tried to approach and carried you home as quickly as he could, He paused at the door to the basement. “Ya sure Y/N?” You nodded at him happily “I’m sure” 

He carried you down the stairs and lowered you gently to the bed. You noticed there was a thin layer of dust in here his pillow was even exactly as you had left it. 

Daryl rubbed the back of his head nervously. “Ya uhm i haven’t been in here since well since you were” You grimaced the thought of him in this bed was one of the thoughts that had gotten you through. 

“I’ll let ya sleep Y/N Ya don need me hoverin” 

“Daryl I need you here, I need to know that when I wake up it wasn’t all a dream and you’re still here. Please don’t leave me” Silently he went to his side of the bed and lay down, Arms pinned at his side. You giggled slightly and stopped the feeling and sound so alien to you now, He looked at you curiously as you touched your lips in awed confusion. 

You lifted your head naturally as you always did, This was your prompt for him to squeeze his arm through the gap. You were happy when he followed suit and pulled you to him. 

He breathed in the scent of you “I’m here now baby” This was the moment you had been longing for the entire time you were apart you smiled as you drifted asleep in his arms. 

You had listened to doctors orders for the first time in your life allowing Daryl and Carol to take care of you, You had seen Nicole come around for Daryl a few times with Carol shooing her away. You couldn’t blame her, Even if it did make you a little jealous. He was intoxicating. After the fourth day on bed rest you asked Daryl to help you shower. His eyes grew hard when he helped you undress the pain crossing his face when he saw you fully. He carried you into the shower and left to take off everything but his boxers and vest. He got back in with you and cradled you for a little while letting the water wash over you both before he started to gently wash you.

Feeling his hands run over your body was electric, You couldn’t believe you were capable of feeling such lust for him still. After everything your body had sustained it still wanted him with everything you had. 

He was careful not to touch you too much as he washed your body and then your hair. You could feel him growing hard on your back before he quickly moved his core away from you. 

He left the water on carrying you out of the shower, grabbed a towel wrapping you tightly and brought you back to the bed and leaving you to change. Taking a shirt and some lounge pants with him back to the bathroom. You could hear his wet clothes hit the floor, Knowing he was naked with water cascading down him in the next room was almost enough to send you over the edge. When he came back he was dry and fully dressed again any hint of his growing erection gone. You were sad to see this but also knew you weren’t fully ready for anything to happen yet. 

Daryl joined you in bed again still not speaking a word pulling you into his arms and allowing you to drift peacefully to sleep. 

You awoke suddenly his arms were gone and you could hear rustling on the other side of the room, Allowing your eyes to open slowly you looked over and there he was in all his glory back turned to you looking for a pair of boxers. You couldn’t have stopped yourself even if you had tried, He turned to you as you approached, wrapping your arms around him wanting to feel every inch of exposed beautiful skin. 

He gripped your arms pulling you off of him and quickly dressed. 

Finally he looked at you “Doc says you’re off bed rest now and Rick needs me on guard duty. I’m sorry Y/N but i need to go” You nodded sadly at him, You were being selfish keeping him to yourself all this time. It had probably been killing him being locked away with you not being able to help the group. That was your man. Completely and utterly selfless. 

He kissed you briefly on the forehead before turning and leaving, Calling over his shoulder. “Carol’s waiting upstairs for you, She made breakfast” 

Smiling to yourself it had been too long since you had had some quality time with Carol, Getting changed quickly and lacing your boots up and walking into the kitchen. Your smile grew wider when you saw her and the food on the counter. 

“PANCAKES!” You rushed to the plate “Thank you thank you thank you” You exclaimed digging in immediately. 

You could hear Carol chuckling next to you. “It’s so lovely to see you still love these” 

Then with a wink “I’m still not telling you the secret though” You groaned happily “I’ll get it out of you one day lady” 

She regarded you thoughtfully “Well how about a trade?” You raised your eyebrow at her. “What kind of trade?” You asked with a full mouth 

Carol tutted at you “Y/N don’t talk with your mouth full!” She scolded. You grumbled “Sorry!” 

You smiled at her again, eating the pancakes as quickly as you could, Washing it down with water. 

“Sooooo….What kind of trade?” 

“I’ll tell you my secret ingredient if you tell me what happened down there” You froze panic rising through your veins. She was at your side instantly arms around you comforting you “Y/N i’ve told you about Ed and when i started letting people in and talking about what he did to me it no longer defined me and i was able to move on. I just want the same for you. I won’t push but when you're ready to tell me. I’ll always be ready to listen” 

It was your turn to regard her thoughtfully this time. Sighing you started from the night he took you and forced the words out, Forcing yourself to get it off your chest. Carol looked at you in horror and tears in her eyes when you had finished. 

Pulling you closer she choked out “I’m so sorry Y/N I promise he can’t hurt you any more, He’s with my Ed now. Rotting in hell” 

She had been right once you had spoken about it and shared your horrors. It felt like she was carrying some of the weight for you. Breathing deeply, trying to enjoy the lessening of the pressure on your chest. You spent at least another hour with her just holding you while you both cried. 

Over the next few weeks you found yourself opening up to Carol more and more everyday. You knew that you would never fully be over it especially now things had gone back to how they were before you and Daryl had gotten together the first time. He came home at night wrapping you in his arms and left at first light barely speaking two words to you. 

Your head was wrapped in thoughts of him again when Carol spoke up.

“Ok enough of this now Sweetie, we're getting you out of this house” Carol smiled at you wiping your face with her hand. Jumping to your feet “Yes please!” You left the house arm in arm ignoring the stares from the neighbours and occasionally stopping to say hello to someone or have a quick conversation. You both stopped at the gates looking out. Carol looked up at the tower seeing Daryl was gone. 

“Now for the fun part! We’re going for some smash therapy!” She nodded at Sasha who handed you a bag with weapons, Discussing the small herd on the west side of the fence who were causing a little trouble. Sasha flung the gate open quickly and you both ran out. Laughing, finally feeling free outside of those stuffy gates you quickly turned serious, running after Carol gripping the two machete’s in your hands. 

You worked together drawing a few away at a time and swiftly taking them down. Exhausted but happy you made your way back to the gate knocking on the front. The gate opened sharply. 

Shit… It wasn’t Sasha.. 

Daryl’s POV

All this time he had waited for you to be back in his arms, He was torn. He felt like the luckiest man on the planet and also like the worst one. He felt so guilty every time he saw her face and what that monster had done to her beautiful body. 

When Denise had come to say that Y/N was cleared to resume as normal all he could think about was getting away from those mixed up feelings for a few hours and was even more grateful when Rick had asked him to go back to guard duty. 

He was just about to pull some clothes on when he felt her grab him, He pulled her arms from him pinning them to her side and quickly dressed feeling ashamed. He wanted her more than anything but he knew if he had felt her skin on his for even a moment longer he would give in to his primal urges and after all she had been through he couldn’t risk that now.

He ran out telling her about breakfast nodded to Carol and headed to the guard tower not thinking in his rush. He climbed up to the top and saw Nicole waiting for him “Uhm Hey Stranger” He smiled “Hey yaself” he reached over his shoulder to grab his - Shit. “I’ll be back gotta go get ma bow” Nicole nodded at him and turned her eyes back outwards. 

He climbed back down and ran back to the house. Not wanting to disturb Carol & Y/N he opened the door softly and crept into the hall, He was inches away from his bow when he heard Y/N talking “He forced himself on me night after night Carol and if i fought he made it a thousand times worse, He would cut me or use a cattle prod on me and if they weren’t close enough it was whatever was closest at the time.” Daryl froze in the hall her words washing revulsion over him.

He didn’t want to hear anymore but he couldn’t make his legs move so he stayed in place just listening to her talk wanting to kill the son of a bitch all over again. After what felt like an eternity he heard Carol console her and he was finally able to move his limbs again. Creeping back outside he felt the sickness come over him and darted behind the house loosing his breakfast. 

He made his way back to the guard tower trying to forget all the things he had heard. He found it even hard to look at her now the shame was becoming a part of him tearing him limb from limb every time she looked at him. He was sure she felt it too, How she didn’t hate him for what she had been through he didn’t know Daryl despised himself. 

He kept out of her way only coming home to sleep and comfort her in the night when it was too dark to see those beautiful eyes staring up at him. 

Nicole had become his solace once more, She was easy to be around and made him laugh, Forgetting for a few moments about the hidden guilt he carried with him now.

He was with her coming onto guard laughing as usual with Nicole's hand on his chest when he saw them return. Y/N had to be covered head to toe in walker blood. Seething he ran to the gate pulling it violently open.

Y/N Pov

“WHAT THE FUCK Y/N YA TRYING TO FUCKIN GET YASELF KILLED?” He screamed at you. You froze walking back into Carol in fear. 

She walked inside with you covering your body with hers. “Daryl, Enough!” Carol snapped at him. 

He roared eyes dark “NO ITS NOT ENOUGH, YA COULDA OF DIED Y/N. I WASN'T THERE TO KEEP YA SAFE, YA’D BE DEAD AND I WOULD BE HERE” He choked “Alone...Alone again” Nicole walked forward and put her hand on his shoulder.

You were sobbing now, Rick had wandered over hearing Daryl’s shouts. You darted over to him. Instinctively wrapping your arms around him and burying yourself in his chest. Rick had checked in on you everyday since he rescued you and you found yourself being drawn to him, Not in the same way as Daryl he wasn’t quite the sun in your universe. But he was comforting to spend time around, He listened to you and it was only him and Carol that didn’t look at you like a wounded animal. 

Rick wrapped his arms around you protectively. “Daryl quit your hollerin, What's goin on here”

Daryl watched you seek protection from him and it was just too much, He turned and walked away muttering to himself. “C’mon you two, Come tell me what just happened” Rick said once Daryl had disappeared with Nicole following him.

You all walked back to Rick’s home that he shared with his son Carl and infant Daughter Judith. You happily sunk to the floor hugging Judith. There was something so comforting about being around an innocent that didn’t know of this world and its pain yet. You wished you could protect her from all of it.

Carol sat with Rick and guiltily explained what the two of you had done. You could tell Rick wasn’t happy with it but let it go when he saw that you were both completely unharmed. 

You had tried to talk to Daryl after that and he had pretended you didn’t exist. You were grateful that because of your growing friendship with Rick he had let you stay with him and the kids. 

You found yourself spending more time watching Daryl wishing he would just look at you but he never did. 

It was on one of these nights watching him that you saw it and he broke you all over again..

<---- Previous Chapter                                Next Chapter ---->

[hiswitchcraft]

My Basic Witch Tips & Advice

I shouldn’t even have to be saying some of these but here we go. I’m gonna try to keep this lighthearted & funny. Do what you will with the advice. It is completely based on my experiences & opinions. 

Do not believe everything someone tells you. I don’t care if they claim to be a high Wiccan priestess with 50 years of experience. I don’t care if they’re a friend. I don’t care who recommended the book. Some things aren’t true. You can’t agree with everyone. Form your own ideas. Take what you read with a grain of salt. 

Think critically & cross reference.  I find when researching that asking myself questions & having multiple sources is the simplest way to do this. Does what you’re reading make sense to you? Is it backed up by mundane facts, logic or even a personal experience of yours? Where did you find this information? How do other things the author of this information has said hold up? Have you seen this said in other places? Does it align with what you know for sure to be true? If something is based in science, history, logic or other things you know to be true & you’ve seen it said multiple times by various people it has a much better chance of being true.  

Take notes, don’t make a grimoire when you’re new. Everyone always encourages newbies to start their grimoire soon but I think the way people approach it is wrong. You don’t need set information about certain things like how magic works or correspondences. Those things will come with time and you need to be exposed to a lot of information and opinions before you’ll get to things you’d want to put in a grimoire. Instead, just take notes. It doesn’t need to be intimidating. Just take note of the information you find, its topic, the date and perhaps where you got it. 

If tumblr is your only source, you’re doing it wrong. This goes along with that first one as well. That might be a hard pill to swallow for some of you, but it’s true. The more time I spend learning about witchcraft the more true it seems to be. This goes for me too & what I say. I’ve been wrong before. I don’t agree with all the advice I’ve given out or the opinions I’ve had in the past. No one is the ultimate authority.  

You can find a lot of solid witchy information in books that aren’t marketed as witchy. On the topic of information and resources, this is an important one. Wanna know about herbs? Look at books about local flora and fauna, botany, cooking, ect. Interested in crystals? Try geology books. That Pagan deity & or spirit probably has a lot of history and mythology surrounding it that could be very useful to know. Seemingly mundane information often leads to having a solid understanding of something, and can often lead to finding its correspondences as well. That’s invaluable. 

You do not have to be a certain race, sexuality, gender, religion, ect. Just don’t appropriate!  This goes with the last one. If someone tells you that you need to be a woman to practice the craft, or that you have to be Wiccan, they’re full of shit. BUT it is very common in the “metaphysical” witchy, or Pagan communities to find people appropriating things from other cultures. THAT is not okay. If someone from a certain culture tells you that you are appropriating said culture, cut that out & really listen to them. 

Witchcraft is for you. Your path is for you. You need to know yourself and what you like. Please remember your path is for you. I get a lot of people asking me if _____ (Fill in that blank with anything honestly) is okay for them to do. Probably because someone insinuated it wasn’t. Be safe. Don’t appropriate. You can do what you like, in fact one of the most valuable skills I have found for a witch to have is being able to look inward and see what you think, what you like, and what your intuition is telling you. 

You don’t have to buy that thing. Your practice doesn’t have to be expensive or fancy. Be resourceful. You might see witches online with fancy leather grimoires and cabinets full of expensive exotic herbs or giant crystal geodes. That’s for aesthetic. You don’t need that shit. My grimoire is in a black binder I got at target. I only have a short list of ingredients I use. Researching how to make do, experimenting and getting creative & or resourceful will get you a long damn way in the world of witchery. 

Witchcraft is not a toy. Yes you need to learn to protect yourself. People whine a lot about my insistence on learning about things like shielding and warding. I get it. It’s not as cool as tarot or crystals. But sometimes to eat you’ve gotta do the dishes first. Protection is important, learn it. 

Essential oils need to be diluted!! Be careful with them!  Do not place them directly on skin or ingest them either. Karen doesn’t know what she’s talking about. 

Don’t put random stuff in your body. Research ingredients.  Essential oils got their own section because that problem is just way too common.  But don’t put random stuff in your body! Herbs commonly used in witchcraft can poison or kill you, be harmful to babies, pets, ect. Lots of crystals dissolve in water and can be ruined or worse, become toxic. Moon water that’s been left out at room temperature can grow bacteria so if you wanna ingest it, refrigerate it. As with many things in witchcraft this can be solved with research & lots of it. 

Witchcraft isn’t medicine. If someone tells you that symptoms of your physical or mental illness have a “metaphysical” explanation and are a result of a demon or your chakras being unaligned, bite them and draw blood. If they say only they can fix it and you have to pay them, stab them. This has been a PSA. 

On that note, ask your doctor about things!  Herbs & teas & all sorts of things can mess with medication. Ask a medical professional about such things before using them. Some herbs & or teas can mess with the effects of things like birth control, anti depressants, & other things very important medications. 

[disease-danger-darkness-silence]

I have been spending the last four hours switching between googling the cheapest cities to live in where weed is legal and you won't get gang-raped for being Trans-spec, googling countries that will pay you to move there and be a warm body in a village, and considering checking myself in for a 72-hour suicide hold.

I went to my mom, sister, and brother's house and wound up telling them about the situation, which is - we're supposed to be out of here this weekend and we have nowhere to go because our transitional housing fell through. I'm Feeling a lot of Feels because I already have put Kono through hell by rehoming her with my brother, I can't seem to make money to save my life, I'm on a new ADHD med, I'm Tired of fighting life all the time, and I am possibly going to be homeless after this weekend. Anyway.

My sister and I got into a screaming match because I am having a mental breakdown and mom and her kept trying to solve shit, and I talked to three different case workers today with three different areas of expertise, as well as my own searching skills (which are pretty damn good), and none of us has found a solution. I meant it in a, "Hey, could you STOP because I'm already PANICKING and NOT NEAR ANY KLONOPIN," kind of way but instead, I chose violence and said, "What makes y'all think you're gonna find a solution the four of us couldn't?" You know, how you do.

And my sister got snippy, and my mom did a little too but I think she understood more that I was Freaking Out. She understands a little more than my sister does the concept of imminent homelessness and what it means. My sister has mostly had housing guaranteed her entire life. Mom and I haven't. So I think she kind of understood a little more. She was still pissed tho.

Shit came to a boil and I exploded because of some shit my sister said, and I said some shit back, and she said she wasn't gonna help and to get the fuck out, etc. My niece was freaking out during all of this, too - I'm convinced she has PTSD because of her dad, but my sister doesn't believe in mental illness or something nowadays so idk what to do about it.

I blocked her on all platforms because every time I talk to her, I feel like I'm being done a favor to be held over my head, or just bad about myself. And yeah, that's probably an indication that I need to switch up my antidepressants, but she refuses to even take hers. And I was already... Not well, mentally. My mom sarcastically told me that that would help the problem and I responded and she hasn't responded back so I'm gonna just assume I'm persona non grata for the next few days. It's fine. 🙃

When I got home, I had to pee, and when I finished I just stared at all of the pills I have in stock, to manage all of the things that are wrong with Raven and I. I know the right combinations to make me go to sleep peacefully and then just go. I even know what the dosages should be for someone of my height, weight, and drug tolerance. It wasn't good.

I guess I should be thrilled that my gun didn't even enter my mind as a way to kill myself - I don't even want to kill other things with it. It's a threat display, not a means to an end. So... Yay?

Raven was there in the most awesome ways possible. I am not gonna go into that because I don't want to discuss how shitty I was being and feeling but Raven helped. A lot.

So I learned that 1. My sister needs to fix her shit. 2. I need to fix my shit. 3. Guns aren't even on my radar as a suicide method, score one for staying alive today, 4. Raven is amazing. 5. Italy looks nice. 6. I'm fucked.

I'm just... Tired. You know? I'm tired of fighting the system tooth and nail to survive. I'm tired of not being able to work. I'm tired of having shitty knees that are going to take DoorDashing away from me soon enough - the pain I'm in while driving is immense. I'm tired of being in pain, all the time, and of having to just grit my teeth because I dislike narcotics. I'm tired of capitalism making me feel like a failure, and I'm tired of not being able to work hard enough to be a success despite that. I'm tired of being a flake and not being able to do anything by myself anymore. I'm tired of memory loss and being so reliant on pills that make my stomach hurt and being pushed towards dementia early to get a tiny bit of function. I'm tired of not being able to shower every day or do the dishes every evening. I'm tired of not being able to cook because standing upright is Too Much.

I'm tired.

I'm just tired.

[nevprescott]

I need to talk with Kevin(+16)

Five points...

I had this idea out of the blue ... So ... There will be no real demonstration of love on the part of Kevin for obvious reasons;

The reader needs to hear nine words: You need to go back to medicine and therapy.

Have fun? This is no worse than killing stalking when it comes to abusive relationships;

I don't approve of any abusive and unhealthy relationship;

If this work offended you, i'm sorry, is not my intension.

Warnings: This work has abusive relationships, actions related to borderline syndrome, lies, mention of mass murder and manipulation, if you are sensitive to these issues, please do not read

There were two things that the townspeople didn't know about the Katchadourian family, one was that Eva Katchadourian was not to blame for anything, and the other, that it was really my fault, he told me his intentions two days before he did, and I, considered it a black humor joke, I never imagined that Kevin, my Kevin would do something like that, we dated for a year, I feel one of the deepest loves I have ever experienced for him, but I think he never really responded to these feelings, I was useful to him, a good time spent, but here I am, waiting for my visiting hours, today was his 18th birthday, my father without understanding found time for me to talk to the “arrow killer” .

The guards arrive to pick me up while two other guards accompany Eva, she is very ill, her face tired, her eyes sunken and an aura of guilt that someone on the other side of the inmate would feel, when she goes past me, I gently hold her shoulder , it makes her shiver with fright, clearly expecting offenses and threats to come out of my mouth, but that's not what happens.

" It's not your fault Eva "

It's the only thing I say, so I follow with the guards, she is still standing in the same place when I walk through the side door, in my hands the best decorated cupcake I have ever made, a red syrup dripping from its top down the whipped cream , I hope it looks as good as it looks, my colleagues always praised me for the food I took to sell at school, my dead colleagues praised me.

When we got to the living room, the guard opened it and looked with his judgmental eyes in the back of mine, he seemed to disgust me, but I do too, I used my free arm to anxiously rub my arm holding the cupcake.

" You have half an hour "

I nodded, and walked into the room, Kevin was sitting in his supposed chair, looking at the gray wall with no interest at all, when he heard my footsteps, finally he looked at me, it was the sarcastic look he always carried, that it would make many feel intimidated, but I was used to it, and while I sat in complete silence.

" I thought you would have left last year "

I sigh, getting more comfortable in the chair, I thought it would be difficult to talk to him, that I would receive a rude answer at first, but no, he was the one who started the conversation.

" After my brother died, I preferred to stay, my mother was not at all well... "

He nodded, resting his hands on the table, he smiled

" In other words, you stayed because I murdered your brother, you stayed because of me "

I swallow, looking somewhat shocked at Kevin

" You speak as if it were normal "

Kevin raised his arms up, pointing at us

" It's normal! You date a murderer, Dear! "

My gaze continues in shock as I look at him, he soon realizes this, and returns to his inner position.

" It was meant to be a joke, it was very embarrassing, right? ... I'm glad you were, I thought you were going to abandon me, or look at me as crooked as my mom does whenever she comes "

I knew it wasn't a joke, and that he doesn't care a bit about the look his mother gives him, but I'm glad he likes to see me, which is why I'm going to ignore everything else, I can't let him abandon me

" It's okay, I must be in a bad mood today "

I smiled lovingly at him, Kevin held out his hand, which I held tightly, I missed his touch, his smell, his presence.

" Love… Did you go back to taking your Borderline medicine? "

It had been three years since I had taken the medication, I moved from my parents' house to another neighborhood three months after my brother's death, so no one could force me to take the medication.

" I haven't taken them for three years "

I say happy, I know he will like this news, he was the one who told me to stop taking them, and I was never better, those pills let me down, helpless, now, I'm just me.

" Do you know where you're going after you leave here? I live alone now.... So... if you want to be with me..."

He smiles, making a light caress on my arm, I don't think his mother will want him back after what he did, he will only have me and I will only have him... But I know he won't really want lives with me.

" Of course I'm going to live with you! Where else would I go dear? You were so good to me, waiting for me all this time, do you remember our last night together? "

I remember, I gave myself body and soul to him, our first time, I got a scar on my back, Kevin said that cutting me with the stylus would make us more horny, I didn't feel it, but he was really enjoying it, so I I let it continue.

" When I leave here will you want to do it again? "

I felt my cheeks heat up, it was a very straightforward question, with no attempt to be sweet.

" Of course, yes ... But while I can't do this for you, I brought you one of my cupcakes... I was going to make a cake but the police... "

He interrupts me, taking the cupcake from my hand, biting it hard, two years without eating good things, I imagine how it must be.

" At school, did they talk about me? "

Oh yes, and how, they didn't shut up about you until we finished school, it was all day, Kevin Katchadourian here, Eva Katchadourian over there.

" Yep... they talked a lot about you, your mother must have told that they are even wanting to make a film about you "

He took another bite of the cupcake, muttering something in agreement, he quickly finished, throwing the heart shape of the cupcake into a nearby can.

" I just hope they don't get Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio playing me "

What was too much with Leonardo DiCaprio? But before I could ask, the door to the room opened, an upset snort left our lips in sync, half an hour with the person we love passes by so fast.

" The time is over "

I looked back with a sarcastic smile

" Swear? "

I got up from the chair, stretching my arms, and before following the guard, I look one last time at Kevin, smiling sadly.

" I will wait for you "

He returned the smile, resting his head on his arms

" I know you will "

[nordens-lejon]

Pervitin and Skis

Sufin oneshot I wrote last night.

During WW2, Timo finds himself in the hospital after an accident. Berwald comes to visit him. Based on a true story.

7 April 1944

Timo had never imagined he’d be grateful to find himself in a hospital. But then again, he’d never expected to find himself spending a week in a snow-filled ditch with one calf reduced to mincemeat. A lumpy hospital bed felt like heaven compared to that. The bed was warm and clean, and he could sleep as much as he wanted. The nurses fed him spoonfuls of broth and mashed potatoes. Small portions, so as not to upset his stomach after two weeks without proper food.

The hospital had given Timo a private room, which had annoyed him at first. He’d been fighting with the other soldiers, so sure it was only fair that he got the same treatment as the humans in the military ward. The doctors said it was an attempt to keep the gossip down, and on some level, Timo understood that. The personification of Finland injured and hospitalized? Oh, the Soviets would have a propaganda field day with that.

Someone knocked. That was odd -- the doctors and nurses were coming in whether he liked it or not. Timo thought it might be the timid new orderly, but it was a tall, thin man in an ill-fitting gray suit, messenger bag at his side. A sickly-looking mustache perched on his upper lip.

“Sve!” Timo tried to sit up, but he got nowhere and it only made his stitches hurt. Sure, Berwald was dressed like he’d lost all vestige of fashion sense, but it was him nonetheless. “Oh, I must look horrid, but I never thought…”

“Shhhhh.” It came out as a sharp hiss, but Berwald quietly crossed the room and pulled a chair to the bedside.

“How did you get in?” Timo whispered. He held out a hand, and Berwald immediately took it. “They don’t want anyone to know I’m here. And aren’t you still technically neutral in the war? What if the Soviets find out that you visited? It’ll look like you’re taking sides.”

“The Soviets won’t find out.” Berwald ran his thumb over the back of Timo’s hand. “I set a trail. They think I’m in Malmo. As for the Finns,” he pulled out a badge and a bundle of documents, “I got papers. They think your boss sent me.” The print of the badge was just big enough for Timo to catch the words Director of Cadaver Gynecology.

“So that’s why you grew this.” Timo wiggled his hand free and reached for the mustache.

“Yeah.” Berwald gently pushed Timo back against the pillows with one big hand.

“It’s hideous. I hate it.”

“Sorry.”

“You needed a disguise, I get that, but holy Martin Luther, please shave that thing as soon as you can and never grow it out again. Maybe you should get a wig next time, because with that thing on your face, I can almost imagine myself turning down a kiss. Almost. Just maybe.”

Berwald’s eye sparkled and he pressed a kiss to Timo’s knuckles.

“Oh, you sap. You’re hopeless.” Timo chuckled in spite of himself.

“I am.”

“Of course you are. So you found out I’m here. Something must’ve leaked. What did you hear? They told me they don’t want the story to blow up. There’s the Soviets, and besides, it could hurt national morale.”

Berwald blinked. “They didn’t tell you? It’s been in the papers.”

“The papers?” Timo felt his stomach drop, and he slumped a little. Oh, if this hurt the Finnish war effort, he’d never live it down. “Perkele. What did they say?”

“That you were with your combat unit in Saami territory. On skis. And you took thirty doses of Pervitin.”

“It was an accident!” The words came out louder than anticipated. Berwald would believe him, of course, but he still felt some urge to defend his honor to the universe. “I’d never even taken Pervitin before!” He’d always been wary of those German-made pep pills. Chemists said they contained methamphetamine. “I only took it because I was so tired I was on the verge of passing out. There were Soviets on our tail! And I meant to take one, not thirty. I’d like to see you-- or anyone -- get one pill out of those tiny little tubes while wearing mittens. So I tried to, y’know, just pour one into my mouth.”

“Shhh, it’s okay.” Berwald reached forward and began stroking Timo’s hair.

“And I just, before I knew it, I’d downed the whole tube.” Timo swallowed and took a minute to take a deep breath and enjoy Berwald’s touch. It reminded him of easier, happier times. “Sorry. But please, don’t stop.”

“Mmm. I won’t. But go on.”

“Go on?”

“What happened next?”

“Oh.” Timo paused. “Well, I… I don’t remember much of it. It felt amazing, at first. Ecstatic. Like I’d been born a new man, with more energy than I’d ever had in my life. And then, it got to be too much, I started shaking. I thought I’d blacked out, but it turned out that I’d just kept skiing. I, I think I crashed through a Soviet camp, and they shot at me, but the doctors didn’t find any bullet wounds. Maybe I hallucinated it. But then, I came to my senses, or really, I came down enough to realize that I’d completely lost my unit, and I was all alone in the snowy forest. But there was so much energy in me that I felt compelled to keep going. To find someone. Anyone.”

Berwald’s brow furrowed. “How long had it been at that point?”

Timo shrugged. “I don’t know. A few days.”

“Did you stop to eat or sleep?”

“Sleep. I doubt it. Eat, no. I lost my supply pack.”

“No wonder you’re so thin.” Berwald ran a thumb along Timo’s cheekbones, which had never been visible before. “I don’t like it.”

“Not planning on staying this way, don’t you worry.” Timo managed a smile. He didn’t want to add that his once-portly body weighed only forty-one kilograms upon admission to hospital. That number would only make Berwald worry -- he was too fond of seeing Timo pampered and plump. “Anyway, not too long after that, I stepped on a landmine.”

“A landmine?”

“Yeah.” Timo gestured to his elevated right leg. The cast covered a mess of stitches and surgical pins. “The blast threw me right off my feet, blew out one of my eardrums, and my legs was, well, I remember this awful mess of blood and bone.”

“Christ almighty.”

“Yeah...I guess. I was still so high that I didn’t feel any pain, at least not at first. But I remember lying there in a ditch with my ears ringing. And I thought that this must be the end of my journey. Some hours passed, and nothing happened. So I figured I might live long enough for someone to find me, so I crawled to this sort of, well, dugout, and waited some more. And nobody came. Eventually, the Pervitin wore off enough that I could feel hunger. I could drag myself to a pine tree and I ate some pine buds. A jay landed on my hand, so I ate that too. I ate snow. Sorry,” he added, seeing the horrified look on Berwald’s face.

“Don’t be sorry. I want to know.” There was a pause “And I want to take you home right now and take care of you forever,” Berwald was flushing, as if he’d already said more than he’d intended, “but that, that’s beside the point.”

That was more than enough to warm Timo’s heart. “Maybe you can, if your disguise holds. I don’t think they’re going to let me back to the front.” Inherently, he was ashamed of that. Going back before the end of the war felt like quitting on his people. “There’s talk about sending me to Helsinki. I’m going to need crutches for a while. And physical therapy. But if you can keep up as Director of Cadaver Gynecology, maybe you can stay with me. At least for a little while.”

“Yes, maybe.” Berwald swallowed. “I’ll see what I can do.”

The prospect of Berwald in Helsinki might not take away the shame, Timo realized, but it did make the thought of a long convalescence a lot more bearable. “Thanks, big guy.” Almost suddenly, a wave of exhaustion swept over him. This talking was the most exertion he’d done since he’d been admitted.

“It’s nothing,” Berwald said. Another small pause. “You didn’t finish.”

“Finish what?”

“The story. You stopped with eating snow in a ditch.”

“Oh, right.” Timo fought back a yawn. “I walked.”

“You what?”

“Walked. One night, I could see light through the trees, and I don’t know, I guess I was desperate enough that I got up and dragged myself over to them.”

“With your leg like…” Berwald pointed.

“Well, of course. But I made it to their camp, and I was so beat up, that I think I scared them, the poor humans. They called for an ambulance, and they brought me here.” And that,” this time, Timo couldn’t hold back the yawn, “is how I got myself into this whole embarrassing mess.”

“Embarrassing? Never mind, I should let you sleep.”

“Wait, don’t go!” Timo took Berwald’s wrist. “Not just yet. A few more minutes. And yes, of course it’s embarrassing. All this trouble because I couldn’t pick up a pill.”

Berwald set his jaw and kept silent for a moment. “I can’t say how you should feel, but the story’s earned your people’s admiration”

“Wait, what?” This was so surprising, Timo almost forgot how sick and tired he was. “What do you mean, admiration?”

“You’re still here, aren’t you? Yes, you made a mistake, but you’re still here. Thirty doses of Pervitin and two weeks in the woods would’ve killed lesser men. Men who aren’t as tough as Finns. I mean,” Berwald reached down for his messenger bag. “Plenty of your people have sent you cards and letters. Wishing you well, I’m guessing. Haven’t opened any.”

“Those are letters? What? Where did you get those?” Timo watched as Berwald opened the bag, revealing a heap of envelopes.

“Your public PO box. In Helsinki.”

“Right, forgot I gave you a spare key.” The envelopes were mostly white, with occasional blue and pink mixed in. And there were so many of them. Maybe some of them were admonishing him for his stupidity and carelessness, but if even a few were wishing him an easy recovery, well, it was a small consolation, but he felt better. “Do you think you can open one? Read one to me? Do you remember your Finnish?”

“Of course I remember Finnish.” Berwald cupped Timo’s cheek, then picked an envelope from the top of the pile and tore it open. Inside was a generic get-well card with a picture of teddy bear, but somehow, the mass-produced kitsch made it charming. “How ‘bout you get some rest? I’ll read while you settle down to sleep.”

Oh, wasn’t that right in the money. Timo sank back against the pillows and closed heavy eyelids. Lumpy hospital bed heaven was even better with Berwald by his side.

“Dear Mr. Finland,” Berwald began, “I was shocked to hear news of your accident, but I must say that I have never heard a more remarkable story of survival. That’s truly the Finnish spirit, isn’t it? Carrying on and making do in spite of the odds. You’ve reminded me of...”

Berwald’s voice was lovely and soothing, but that was all he heard before sleep claimed him, heavy, comfortable, and reassuring.

Closing notes: For anyone who’s unfamiliar, Pervitin was an methamphetamine-based performance-enhancing drug that was developed by the Germans, who proceeded to give it out to their troops like it was candy. Timo’s story here is based on that of Aimo Koivunen, a Finnish soldier who accidentally took 30 doses of Pervitin, spent two weeks in the woods, stepped on a landmine and lived to tell the tale. He made a full recovery and lived to the age of 72. You can read Koivunen’s story in his own words here.

[partnersatfazbear]

Fazbear Frights: What We Found Analysis

Here’s my analysis for What We Found, the third story in Gumdrop Angel. I wrote this as I read so it may be a little different than my previous analysis where I read the story first and went back.

If you’re a Michael Afton fan I highly recommend this. Also, there’s possibly some insight into William Afton, Mrs. Afton, and Henry too, so it’s worth a skim.

Pg 144 '...a place thirty-some years forgotten' Just reconfirming FNAF 3 is 30 years past *one* of the FNAF closings, presumably FNAF 2 location.

Pg 145 "The whole building was giving him [Hudson] a headache." FIX THE VENTILATION BRUH

Pg 148 '...they were able to use salvaged derelict equiptment original to the old pizzerias.' Another confirmation of something we heard from Phone Guy.

Pg 147 "How old are you?" "Twenty-three, same as you." I think this gives us Michael's age during FNAF 3.

EDIT: This kept me awake last night. Obviously this is impossible because he has to be alive for at least 10 years before 1983, BUT maybe its just reconfirming FNAF 3′s year? 2023?

Pg 149 "Hudsan's dad died and his mom married Lewis, a ridiculous balding man who wore plaid vests and smoked a pipe" Did... Did this book just seriously imply Mrs. Afton left William for Henry? Really? (Yes, there's differences; the husband is dead and the man wears plaid 'vests' but it seems very odd to include that detail. This could just have been the writer's own imagination, though.) I have seen this as a fan theory and 100% explains the jealousy aspect of William, but I can't help but kinda hate it. I think this is very important, though, and probably Scott's intention. "This horrible little man [Lewis]... would make Hudson's next ten years a living Hell" This REALLY intrigues me given the context I just went over. The text implies Lewis was fairly neglectful to our main character / Michael stand-in Hudson. Maybe I'm wrong and for some reason Mrs. Emily left and went to William? XD Haha, I'm reading too much into this page. Maybe I'll come back to this later. I figure it's more of Scott possibly including double-details (contradicting stuff with the same character that really applies to two, which has been something I heavily pointed out in previous anaylsis on this blog) Having said that, I'm going w/the former because I can't imagine Henry being abusive (neglectful yes, abusive no) and he's never been portrayed that way in official works like William has in the novels.

Pg 150 "Hudson began to screw up in class...a product of spending the night in fear that his stepfather [Lewis]... [would] beat him just for the fun of it." Ooof. Big confirm on William actually being abusive. Unless we stick with the Henry theory for Lewis (combined with Midnight Motorist Henry theory / alcoholic). "...near-daily beatings..." "his mom started taking pills to get through the day..." So, whoever Mrs. Afton is, she was definetly not paying attention. But then, most people married to serial killers either don't notice because of denial (like this) or because the killer is so manipulative / careful they can't notice.

"Barry, who had red hair and freckles..." Yo?! Is that a description of Fritz?! These friends in the story could be the other kids Michael knew's stand-in's, aka the two gravestones with names he used (Fritz and Jeremy), as shown in the checks for the games and FNAF 6. I've long figured Michael was probably friends with the victims--it makes them easier, although riskier, targets [for William]. The two friends are male, too, like Fritz and Jeremy. If you're curious about Duane's description (our stand in for Jeremy), it's "tight black shirt... muscles... black hair long enough for a glossy ponytail..." I'm not sure if this matches anything found in the novels or contradicts them, though. (The novels = TSE trilogy)

"And so it went... until the night of the fire." For context, this is before FF burns down. We're learning of Hudson's life from his close friends in childhood, his father's death, his mother remarrying, to his abusive stepfather, to his grades slipping to this line. This would be a new fire not seen/mentioned in the games...

Pg 151 "...go to Charlie's for a sundae..." Really. Really Scott. Just gonna use this name again. OK. I'm not even gonna discuss this because it's probably irrelevant. *This is confirmed on pg 158 to be an ice cream shop. No lore relevance aside the annoying name coincidences Scott loves to troll with.

"This is not... an advance into enemy territory, a fight with demons, or a descent into Hell..." Uh, what? What is Hudson talking about? XD I'm only noting it because it seems so out of place. He's probably talking about video games or something.

Another note, although I don't have a specific reference since it is mentioned off-hand many times, is that Hudson keeps referring to his "history" which is implied to have kept him from getting a well-paying job and a girl he's crushing on doesn't know this "history" which is good for him. Seems good old "Michael Stand-In" has done some jail time or something. Edit: On pg 154/155 the girl asks Hudson, "Did you do it?" Seems he may have killed his stepfather or been involved with something else just as bad. Edit 2: No, I was thinking too deep into it. This probably refers to Evan's death at Fredbear's. DUH.

Pg 156 describes an actual "prize corner" in FF! What am I even reading? IIRC this is in FNAF 3, too. So they just hand out these scary gift boxes to people that complete the attraction? (Hudson says he *would* have fun handing out the scary toys to kids when this location opens--kind of a bully thing to do, eh?)

"[Hudson] avoid[ed] glancing in any of the mirrors..." I'm only pointing this out because it could be reference to one of two things. 1) We know because of one of UCN's music tracks, William has a fear of his reflection. Michael probably shares this trait, especially since 2) after Ennard and all... and later on pg 157 it also says, "he never wanted to face: himself" Sounds like guilt, my guy.

Pg 157 "blonde hair... blue eyes..." Hudson shares an eye color with Michael. It's possible Michael had blonde hair as a child and it changed to brown (it's common, something I personally went through being technically blonde/ blue eyed myself)

"He [Hudson] knew from personal experience that toys could turn from fun...to torture ina heart-beat" Fairly self explanatory. Either Hudson's worked at a creepy location before or he doesn't like remembering Fredbear's.

*checks how much is left.* There's still 35 pages (not counting back/front) left of this... This is gonna be a lot of notes.

Pg 158 Hudson doesn't have a car. Poor Mike, probably having to walk everywhere. Especially as a corpse.

Pg 160 This page describes many physical issues Hudson has that prevents him from entering the Navy, all from the abuse of Lewis. Obvious paralell to Michael becoming an undead [because his father sent him to CBPR indirectly causing his condition]

Pg 161 "How's your granny, Hud?... ...Is she still alive?" "I don't think she can die." Does anyone in the Afton family really 'die'? XD

Pg 162 These few pages discuss Hudson's grandmother. She's described as "a seer who claimed to know the future... ...wore big men's plaid flannel shirts with baggy jeans" Um, more plaid / flannel? AGH. STAHP. Lowkey, I would totally headcanon my Aunt Jen like this, though.

Pg 163 "Hudson's mom... the way she was before Hudson's dad had died... never... particularly warm and fuzzy... but... effiencient and responsible..." More about Mrs. Afton, so that's kinda neat.

"Hudson's dad was fun and attentive." There's a good Dad in this series?

"Unfortunetly, he also struggled with mental illness." "invisible low points" (Pg 164) Kinda reminds me of how Henry is described after Charlotte's death in the books.

Pg 164 "When Steven got himself into a bad deal that cost him his small business... he'd taken his life." Oh, it is Henry! SMH. Way to use confusing paralells. So, from our understanding thus far, Hudson's real father, Steven, is our Henry stand-in. His step-father despite being described similar to Henry, is actually our William stand-in. Fair game, Scott.

Pg 164 "...he [Hudson] was locked into a supply closet..." Oh shit, you guys. So, let me go on a tangent here, because this IS important! I just watched a retrospective on Sister Location and FNAF 6 earlier and one theory for Midnight Motorist was the person in the chair was the mother and the kid was Michael. I think this little line may confirm that. In fact, the story may be the key to figuring things out. Obviously, the line is a paralell to FNAF 4's scene in which Crying Child was locked in the supply closet of Fredbear's. I know some people, including Matpat, believe[d] CC was Michael, and in this book's context, it sort of works. This does contradict Step Closer and 1000 other things that make Michael the older brother, but maybe it's hinting at MM? Abusive stepdad (possibly Henry... maybe William is gone at this point), checked out Mom (hey, grey couch lady with Foxybro's font). IDK, but its definetly something to think about.

Pg 165 Lewis is mentioned as calling Hudson "nothing" and saying "you're nothing" on several occasions on this page. Just more abuse, for those accurate fanfic writers like me. Also I kinda wanna watch Morel Orel again. Yall know my fav character is Clay. Yall know.

"You're smoke." <-- Lewis / The text later reads, "...there was some irony, given what eventually happened." BRUH. Why did your stepdad die in a fire? :V TELL ME.

"When his family's house burned down at the end of his senior year..." Huh. Is there a fire we don't know about in the game-verse? Could this explain what happened to the FNAF 4 house before MM house?!

"...it purged Hudson of Lewis and his mother." MRS. AFTON BURNED ALIVE, TOO? Bruh. I can't with this story.

The text later describes the fire is concluded to be man-made and Hudson was blamed for it. Can't say if this ties to Michael, but it IS interesting... TBF, there is a small paralell to draw between Henry in FNAF 6 and his history of suicide in the books, too.

Pg 166 "...this place's [FF] busted thermostat.." I just find this line funny.

Pg 167 "...after three weeks of keeping an eye on the place" Some more timeline context for FNAF 3. We know that Michael worked there a little while before we start playing the game thanks to one of the phone calls, IIRC, so this makes sense. If Michael was accused of [something] and also wanting to hunt down his father, then it makes perfect sense why he's working a dead end job at Freddy's over and over and over. Fun fun fun.

Pg 169 "He hated to think about a functional character [Foxy]" This line is in regards to Hudson not liking the set up of Pirate's Cove and Foxy's hook to scare people. Sounds familiar, don't it? (For Michael anyway.)

Pg 173 "Some big find is arriving tomorrow." SPRINGY BOI! COME ON BOOK, get on with the show?

Pg 176 "Granny was wearing a red-and-green plaid shirt and her baggy jeans." Nothing special, but it was specifically brought up twice. I'm kind of racking my brain trying to understand what the point of this character is outside of "woooo everything is haunted don't you know that" kind of character.

Pg 180 "...dropped the crate on the linoleum with a resounding thud." HEY. Poor Springtrap, just gettin' tossed around like the trash he is.

Pg 186 "If you weren't so stupid, I'd tell you more about it." Springtrap bringing the burn. =:)

"A voice with a burr-like rasp...hint of a Southern accent" I'm going to assume this is because it's Lewis probably in the suit in this story and not our old British lad.

"It's was Mr. Atkin's voice." THE MATH TEACHER? *goes back to check* 'The algebra teacher'. Okay...

Pg 190 Okay, so Hudson hear's Lewis' voice this time. Okay, I get it now. Springtrap in this kind of imbodies all of Hudson's old bullies, including the teacher. He also has PTSD, just FYI. IDK if anyone finds that important, but it's fairly obvious by the line "He wasn't in his bedroom. Lewis didn't just slam his head into a desk; his head had been slammed into the [arcade] game."

"Why did he hallucinate a scene from his childhood?" Oh, it's not PTSD, then. It's just the VENTILATION ERROR. lol Okay.

Just a note, as I'm reading through the more action-based stuff, I kind of feel bad for Michael if he had flashbacks like this guy. They're intense.

So, Lewis' voice finally comes out of Springtrap on Pg 213. There's that.

Pg 220 "You can just stay there [in his room]" Kind of a paralell to Midnight Motorist. Lewis is saying it to Hudson. I really feel like the kid in the MM game is Michael because of this story...

Pg 223 "Heat purges. Fire heals." I'm sure that's Henry's life motto.

The ending was stupid, but most in these stories are. Hudson is hallucinating and is implied to have burned himself alive in FF's oven. Meh? The first half of this one is A TRIP and a little insight into what I 100% believe is Michael's childhood. I think the saddest part of it all is that we never got Springtrap speaking to Michael in FNAF 3--and if it's ever remade I hope we get more of them interacting.

[theladyofdeath]

Alone in the Ashes {18}

A Court of Thorns and Roses fanfction, characters belong to Sarah J Maas. Modern au. Revolves around Nesta x Cassian, Feyre x Rhysand, and Elain x Azriel. Other characters appear throughout. Based on multiple prompts sent in by anons tbr below.

Warning: Mature content. Alcohol abuse, verbal abuse, drugs, sex, language, eating disorders.

For summary & chapter index, click >  Alone in the Ashes {Acotar}

Word Count: 2.8k

A/N: "The one where Nesta explodes.” Sorry, friends.

“How can I explain purposely setting foot on a path so blatantly treacherous? Was the fun in the fall? ― Ellen Hopkins, Crank

“To Feyre and Rhys!” Mor called, lifting her glass to the middle of the table, where it met Feyre’s, Elain’s, and Amren’s. “I can’t believe you’re getting married to my cousin. It’s perfect. You’re perfect.”

She sighed, and Elain beamed from beside her.

“We’re so happy for you both,” she promised.

Feyre grinned. It had been a week since Rhysand proposed, and now, on Saturday night, the girls had all decided to go out to celebrate, leaving the boys at home. 

“Speaking of happiness, I hear you’ve been spending a lot of time at Azriel’s,” Feyre said, eyeing Elain. “At night.”

Elain’s cheeks turned pink as she rolled her eyes.

“Every night but one,” Mor muttered, and when Amren’s brows rose, she clarified, “Azriel stayed at her townhouse last Saturday night and came home Sunday looking very, very happy.”

Feyre slammed her glass down on the table. “You had sex?”

Elain groaned, hiding her face. “We’re supposed to be talking about you, not me.”

“Definitely had sex,” Amren muttered, grinning, as she took a sip from her glass.

“Yes,” Elain breathed, face as red as a tomato. “We did. Now, let’s move on.”

“How is he?” Mor asked. “I mean, I’ve heard rumors over the years, but he’s, you know, never clarified.”

“Is it big?” Feyre asked, brows wiggling. 

“I vote there’s more in girth than in length,” Amren followed.

Mor howled. “True.”

All eyes shot to Mor.

She blinked. “What? I’ve lived with the guy on and off for years, and if his morning wood is any indication, Amren’s not wrong.”

Elain shook her head, unable to control her laughter. “As much as I love this discussion, I vote we move on.”

“Okay, okay, moving on,” Feyre said, laying her palms flat on the table. “As soon as you tell us if we’re right or not.”

Elain took a deep breath. “Fine…...Yes to girth, now, moving on.”

Feyre fell into Amren, tears coming out of her eyes at her sister’s embarrassment - her sweet, gentle sister. 

“Be glad I’m not asking you the same questions,” Elain said, downing her glass.

“Oh, I’ll happily answer,” Feyre chuckled. “Hell, Rhys will happily answer. He likes to brag.”

Mor rolled her eyes. “Yes, but every word that comes out of his mouth while he brags is complete bullshit. Besides, talking about my cousin’s penis physically makes me ill.”

Once their laughter died down, and Feyre promised not to mention anything about Rhysand’s dick, she looked to Amren. 

“How’s Cass?”

Amren’s brows furrowed. “Oh, you mean after he spent the night in jail for beating up a bar full of people?” She shrugged. “He’s been decent. Goes to work, comes home, drowns himself in whiskey, and does it all again the next day. At least Bryaxis is there. Cassian keeps his cool with Ax next to him.”

“Because of Nesta?” Elain asked, surprised.

Amren shrugged. “He won’t talk about it, but she hasn’t been around and he lies awake at night cursing her name, so I assume so.”

“You’d think he was in love with her,” Feyre said, then stilled. “Holy fuck, he’s in love with her. Nesta. Of all people.”

“I don’t understand what the fascination is, myself,” Mor muttered.

Elain nodded, slowly. “I love Nesta, but she insists on making herself miserable at every opportunity. It’s been that way since we were in high school. Self destruction without a cure.”

Feyre knew that Elain was thinking of her own issues with depression, with thoughts of suicide lingering in the back of her mind. Feyre had been there, too. So had Mor. And Amren. But Nesta was a different breed...it never went away. And she wanted it to remain, that depression. She held onto it, craved destruction. 

Nesta was so much like their mother.

Feyre couldn’t help but be pissed off, though. She had led Cassian on, had let him feel something - Cassian, who never felt anything serious about a woman. Cassian, with his uncontrollable anger living alongside his will to bring joy to everyone around him. Nesta had taken advantage of him, and Cassian was living through the aftermath.

“I saw that guy the other day, too,” Amren went on. “Tomas.”

Elain stilled as Feyre’s eyes snapped to Amren. “What?”

“Yeah, he’s back, I guess,” she said, shrugging. “Basically lives there now.”

Feyre was already grabbing her purse and scooting out of the booth. Elain wasn’t moving, was staring at the table, hands shaking.

“Where are you going?” Mor asked, hesitantly.

“To Nesta’s. Come on.”

~~~~~

Nesta was sitting on her couch, staring at the blank t.v. when a pounding came on her door. She opened it a minute later and her sisters rushed in, Feyre first, Elain trailing after.

She sighed. “And what do I owe to this unexpected surprise?”

“Where is he?” Feyre asked, eyes narrowed. “Tomas.”

“Not here,” Nesta mumbled, shutting her door behind her. Her head was light, mind blurry. She was having trouble keeping herself upright. “Came to say hello?”

“Amren said he’s been around,” Elain said, quietly. 

Nesta knew they would find out, eventually, but she hadn’t thought they would come storming into her apartment on a Saturday night.

“Why do you care?” Nesta asked. “I’m busy-”

“Cut the shit,” Feyre snapped, and met her sister’s eyes.

Nesta figured it was her fault, she was the one who had told Feyre, who had told Elain. The night Rhysand had been taken to the hospital, when Nesta had driven her youngest sister to the place where their mother had taken her final breath. She had found Feyre, while they were all waiting for Rhysand to wake up, and tried to bring her a little bit of comfort. 

“You’re lucky to have Rhysand,” Nesta had said, sitting next to her sister in the hospital’s cafeteria, as she sipped on a cup of coffee. “I know you love him. He loves you, too.”

“Speaking of love...this whole thing with Cassian…” Feyre had started, avoiding having to talk about Rhysand, no doubt. “What’s really going on? What happened with Tomas?”

Nesta had shrugged. “Don’t know. He just left. It was for the best, anyways. He was who I got my drugs from, and nothing more.”

Feyre had stilled. “I thought you were done with that shit.”

“I’m trying,” Nesta had promised, hoping to bring her sister comfort. “It’s easier now that he’s gone. When Tomas is around, he gives it to me and I can’t say no.”

Feyre nodded, reaching across the table to grab her sister’s hand. It was the first conversation they’d had in a long, long time. “And when Cassian is around?”

Nesta snorted. “Cassian is….When Cassian is around, he makes me want to live. And I haven’t felt the want to live for as long as I can remember.”

“Where are they?” Feyre asked, voice hard, bringing Nesta back to the present.

“Where are what?” she asked, innocently.

Elain didn’t speak.

She simply watched, tears in her eyes.

Fear in her eyes.

“The drugs,” Feyre hissed.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Nesta snapped.

“Don’t fuck with me,” Feyre said, shaking her head. She walked into the kitchen and started digging through drawers, throwing shit around. “I can tell you’re high off your ass right now!”

When Feyre found nothing there, she went into Nesta’s bedroom.

Nesta was close behind. “Get out of my fucking apartment.”

But Feyre had already dug around, was already pushing Nesta out of the way and strutting into the bathroom. 

She opened the top drawer.

Nesta was standing in the doorway, hands shaking.

Feyre pulled out everything. Bottles upon bottles of pain pills, and a packet of fine, light brown powder.

“Fucking heroin?” Feyre breathed, looking slowly at Nesta. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Nesta tried to snatch it from her sister’s hand, but Feyre was sober, and much, much faster. She took everything into her hands and shoved it into her bag before brushing past Nesta.

Nesta quickly followed her back into the living room. “Fuck you!”

“Did mom’s death mean nothing?” Feyre yelled, and Elain was crying, and the fact that Elain was crying made Nesta feel like shit. “How could you do this after mom fucking died from it!”

Silence enveloped the apartment, the only sound coming from Elain’s quiet sobs. 

Nesta took a step toward her sister. It took everything in her to keep her voice steady as she said, “Maybe I wanna die, too.”

Feyre stilled and she closed her eyes, jaw locked. Then, she started shaking her head. “Don’t say that shit.”

“You wanna know the truth?” Nesta asked, arms outstretched. “You wanna know the fucking truth, Feyre? Well, here I am! So shut the fuck up and listen if you wanna know the fucking truth!” Her hands were shaking, her head pounding. She took another step toward her youngest sister, “I envy mom for taking too much shit that day. She got to leave this shitty world that day, and me? I’m still stuck here! No matter what I do! I’m here, living in this endless hell!”

Feyre said nothing. She stared at her sister, jaw hard, eyes lined with tears. 

Nesta was breathing hard. She felt like shit. Felt like shit that her sisters were crying, felt like shit that she was never there for them. She felt like shit because the only thing keeping her from feeling like shit, all the fucking time, was the drugs. She felt like shit because she relied on them, felt like shit because it was the only reason she kept Tomas Mandray around. She felt like shit because her mom left them all, because she loved the drug too much, so much that she couldn’t stop, so much that it killed her, took her away from her husband, her daughters. 

Nesta felt like shit because Cassian didn’t make her feel like shit.

But he deserved better.

At least she had done right by him. 

“You don’t have to live like this,” Feyre whispered, and took her oldest sister’s face into her hands. “You don’t deserve this.”

Lie.

It was a lie.

A lie that had been told to Nesta many times, one she wasn’t sure she could ever believe to be true. 

“I deserve worse,” Nesta countered, feeling nothing.

Feyre’s forehead fell into Nesta’s. “You deserve the world, if only you’d let yourself have it.” 

~~~~~

“You’re fucking drunk.”

“You’re fucking drunk.”

Cassian chuckled as Azriel shook his head. Yes, Rhysand was undoubtedly drunk and loving every minute of it. It was getting late, though, and Azriel, as the guardian of a four-year-old who would be up at the crack of dawn, needed to get some sleep.

“Alright,” Cassian laughed, slipping on his shoes before throwing Rhysand’s shoes at him. “I’ll walk you home before I head home.”

Rhysand let his shoes hit him in the abdomen before frowning. “Is Feyre home yet? I love Feyre.”

“I know,” Cassian muttered. “Put on your shoes and we’ll go see.”

“But shoes make my feet feel trapped,” Rhysand said, staring at his shoes. “Why would I want that for my toes?”

Azriel was laughing as Cassian picked up Rhysand’s shoes. “Then I’ll carry them and you can go in your socks.

“Good,” Rhysand slurred, stumbling toward the door. 

“Text me when he’s safe inside of his apartment, please,” Azriel begged.

Cassian promised he would as the two went out into the cool, Summer night. Rhysand jumped as his phone began to ring. He searched his body helplessly before Cassian, laughing, pulled it out Rhysand’s pocket and answered.

“Hello? Rhysand’s phone.”

“Your hand touched my dick, asshole!” Rhysand yelled.

And Feyre laughed on the other end. “Sounds like a good time over there.”

“Your future husband and the father of your children is a drunken mess, but don’t worry, I’m walking him home.”

“Thank you,” Feyre said, voice quiet. “Can you tell him I won’t be home tonight?”

“Sure,” Cassian said, dragging Rhysand by the arm, down the sidewalk, as he stared up at the moon with wide, violet eyes. “Everything okay?” 

“Yeah, just at Nesta’s-” As if remembering who she was talking to, her words trailed off. “I’ll be home in the morning though...if you could let him know.” 

“I will,” Cassian said, clearing his throat. “Um, is Nesta alright?”

The line went quiet. Then, Feyre said, “She will be.”

“Did Tomas hurt her?” he asked, unable to stop the question from coming out of his mouth. 

“Tomas isn’t here,” was all she said. “Make sure my fiance gets safely inside of our house, will you?”

Cassian chuckled, although the light never reached his eyes. “You just like any excuse to call him your fiance.”

“True,” Feyre said. “But I mean it. My fiance is a sloppy drunk.”

“Oh, I know,” Cassian said. “I’m walking him up the stairs, literally having to hold his hand.”        

Feyre laughed. “You’re a saint. Thanks Cass.”

“Yep,” he said. “Bye.”

He hung up and shoved the phone back into Rhysand’s pocket.

Once he made sure Rhysand was safely inside of his apartment, Cassian left, and before he even walked out of the front door, Rhysand was snoring on the couch.

Cassian climbed into his truck and sat in the silence for a minute.

Feyre and Nesta didn’t get along. Something must have happened, something must have been wrong. Something must have happened.

As Cassian started his truck, his mind began to wander. Then, he just got mad, reminding himself that he shouldn’t care. Nesta had made it very clear that she didn’t want him in her life. And he had told her the same.

Although, when he said it, it had been a lie.

When he pulled up in front of his own building, he had grown tired. Nothing sounded better than making his way up the stairs, closing himself inside of his apartment, and going to sleep.

But when he made it to the second floor landing, Feyre was standing in the middle of Cassian and Nesta’s apartments, holding a bag of-

“What the fuck?” he asked, and when the girls shushed him, he grabbed it out of her hand. “What are you doing with this shit? You can’t just wave it around in the open, shit, Feyre.”

She rolled her eyes. “I was giving it to Mor to flush, idiot.”

“Why do you even have this?” Cassian snapped.

And then it dawned on him.

He looked at Nesta’s closed door and sighed.

Cassian’s hand fell to his side, grabbing the little plastic bag tightly in his hand.

“She’s fine,” Feyre whispered, knowing full well the string of thoughts that were running through his mind. “Me and Elain are going to make sure this shit stays out of her apartment.”

“And Tomas?” Cassian asked, voice low. “Did she get this shit from him?”

When Feyre didn’t answer, Cassian was turning around, to storm off, to beat Tomas’s ass, but Feyre caught him by the wrist and pulled him back. She took his face into her hands, and even though he was a head taller than she was, she made him look down at her.

“You’re going to take that inside and get rid of it,” she whispered. “Then, you’re going to get your ass in bed. Beron’s already pissed he had to pick you for a bar fight this month, don’t make him take you to prison for killing some useless dealer.” 

That anger was simmering, was beckoning to be released, but Cassian saw the fear, the exhaustion, in Feyre’s eyes.

He nodded.

Feyre sighed, and kissed his bearded cheek before telling them all goodnight.

“Cass,” Mor whispered, after a moment of him staring at the closed, apartment door across from his. “Come on.”

Amren took his hand, and when he looked at her, she was wearing a small, sad smile. “Time for bed.”

Cassian nodded and, every step he took feeling heavier than the last, he followed Mor and Amren into his apartment.                                                          

He sent the drugs down the toilet and threw the bag away, just like Feyre had asked.

But he didn’t go to bed.

Instead, he went to the couch and sat down, Amren on one side of him, Mor on the other. 

He should have seen it as a sign. Should have known something was wrong with Nesta, that something wasn’t right. But he had pushed her away, let his anger in and allowed it to cloud his judgement.

Mor and Amren stayed with him. They each laid their heads on his broad shoulders and comforted him, as the night passed him by in utter silence. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

tag List (to be tagged, comment or send me an ask!)

@throne-of-ashes-and-beauty  @starkovsnesta​   @redisriding​  @photofeesh

@mariamuses​   @tswaney17    @amaranthas-whore​   @awesomelena555

@danika-defendyr​  @rachaels14 @faequeenaelin​  @theshadowsinger-and-thefawn​

@hashtolanashoba  @poisonous00​  @chemicha @samotita​

@mynewdreamwasyou​ @humming-asong​  

@candid-confetti @awkward-avocado-s​

@my-fan-side @queen-of-glass​  @stars-falling​

@ifangirlninja  @sleeping-and-books  @burritowithfeels

@morebooks-pls @kindofawalkingpoem​

@sannelovesreading @empressnesrynfaliq​

@halstudies @sleeping-and-books​ @alwayss-reading​

@amren-courtofdreams  @b00kworm​

@wifeofchrishemsworth​  @booksstorm​

@goldr0ses @blackjacks-donuts​

@humanexile  @over300books​

@booksbooksbooksworld  @starrynightsbooks​

@girl-who-reads-the-books

@mis-lil-red

@shhhimreading03​

@emilyrose111294​

@negativenesta​

@argentumstella​

@itsme-malin

@flora-and-fae​

@feyrethedarklady​

@starryandbooks​

@gingerglides​

@gloriouspaintercreatorbandit​ @iliketoasterstrudels​

@6255igntm​  @moondancer-204​

@littlehoneyybee​  @acourtofbookworms​

@the-regal-warrior​

@awkward-avocado-s​  @nightcourtcinnamonroll​

@aelin-rowan-whitehorn​ @bamchickawowow​

@julemmaes​  @itsme-malin

@regular-nessian-trash​  @made-of-stardust-and-wanderlust

@ugh-avila​  @awkward-avocado-s​

@superspiritfestival  @the-dark-swan​  @girlgotattitude448​  @eversincebeirut​

@midnightrose-reader​  @lord-douglas-the-third​  @thestarguidingyouhome​

@empress-ofbloodshed​  @starkovsnesta​ @nickjgoodsell​

Prompts:

{ “I’m gonna fuck you so hard that you forget you ever met that asshole” - Feysand } -anonymous

{ “How about Nessian needing to fake date when they go home for the holidays?!” } - anonymous

{ “could u pls do like an elriel fic where azriel is like this mysterious bad boy and elain is a goody two shoes lik aaaaa i cant get that image out of my head” } - anonymous

[biotchthatmeows]

#tw #suicideawarness #triggering #depression #suicide #substanceabuse

Ah! So suicide awareness month eh. Well I don't know where to burst out exactly because people don't really care about it but ok let's try it here at good ol' Tumblr.

So, where I live we don't have any suicide helpline or any awareness programs or anything at all regarding mental health. I mean don't get me wrong we would adapt western media full fledge when it's Valentine's Day or some other ridiculous thing but no one wants to talk about suicide because it doesn't bring trp and people are already sad and I agree it's true.

But we gotta talk about suicide, man, come on. I am sorry but at least I think I should.

I have never really openly said it but I have given hints many times. But I am openly saying it that I suffer from very severe depression and anxiety plus Bipolar personality disorder. Which means I am either going through maniac episode or depressive episode almost everyday (you can Google them).

And yes, I have tried to kill myself multiple times. And turns out like most things in my life I am not really good at it. Since, I am writing this. Which is why whoever is reading this, I am taking your time (thanks btw).

I was always a little different since my childhood as compared to others. I liked being alone a lot and writing things instead of talking to a person. Because whenever I tried to make a friend I would do something wrong and they go away. So, at one point I stopped trying and I realized something that people around me dont really like me.

Even my teachers kind of didn't like me because I would just randomly ask the most peculiar questions. For example when we were reading *book spoiler* George Orwell's 1984, everyone in the class was worried for the hero when he was being tortured but I asked or told my teacher that 'okay so, his fear for the mouse was bigger than the love for the girl and it okay to betray her?' and everyone was like that was not the point. I am sorry, I got districted and I am sure most people wouldn't get the reference.

Anyway, my point is that I always had and have questions about things when people should keep their mouth shut. At least one shouldn't questioned these things.

But that is still the thing with me, when you or someone makes a prominent statement there should be a reason or at least an explanation behind it but I was called blasphemous for questioning them. And that was fine with me but calling me blasphemous didn't get you out of the position of not able to justify your statement.

So, throughout my life I was called many things, spoiled, brat, weird, drama queen, actress, attention seeker. I can go on and on.

I don't know about rest of the names but I am pretty sure I wasn't spoiled. My parents were never the type to hand over the money because you asked for it. They were kind of people who wouldn't even give you money even when you actually need and beg for it. They would give you the thing instead that you need the money for or you don't get it at all for example school picnics and events or the bag you really really wanted.

So, well when you don't get things. You eventually start doing bad things such lying a lot and stealing stuff. And it keeps growing and growing and even though deep down you know how wrong you are but then you don't know how to stop because you are getting things you want.

Okay, off the topic again. What I am trying to say that I was maybe lot of things that people said but I wasn't spoiled. I was physically abused and eventually realize mentally abused too. And things weren't really okay with me. I won't take it like most people do.

My brain wouldn't stop thinking about them and I was becoming more and more irrational as days goes by. And I was thinking what if I was dead and that would make things lot more easier for me and the people around me.

Eventually, that idea became more and more intense and growing around I always heard people say that if a person kills themself they would never be forgiven and it was the greatest sin ever.

But then those people would also say that not praying is the greatest sin and you won't be forgiven for that ever.

And then not believing in one God is also the biggest is of all sin and you won't be forgiven for that ever.

And then saying hurtful things to people is also the biggest sin and you won't forgiven until that person forgives you.

So, which one was the biggest sin? All of them? Because then those same people would say that God would forgive you for all your sins if you repent and because God is most forgiving. Even more forgiving then your own mother.

So, my curious brain once again started asking questions. For which again I was told that I shouldn't because it was wrong and blasphemy.

Meanwhile, my mental health was decling day after day but no one really noticed because in our society their is no such thing as mental health. Either you are crazy or lazy, hey that rhymes.

I was pretty much deemed both.

Mostly, lazy but then there is a solution for that in our society for as well. Get married! Tada! Because when you are married it fixes everything! And anything.

It shouldn't come as a surprise that I obviously despiced the marriage thing. Because I knew I couldn't do it.

Someone who can barely keep themself put together, cannot handle the responsibility of the marriage and of course I wasn't interested in anyone. I mean of course I had crushes and stuff but unlike most girls/women my age I never went as far as thinking about marriage all the time. Which was happening at that time all around me.

People were keen to get married or getting married.

And I don't know why people thought it's about time I should get married too and everytime the situation like that came along I would have the worst kind of panic attacks. I couldn't eat or drink or sleep and I had to fight and fight to make the situation go away.

But you can't win every time now, can you? Eventually, I was forced into getting engaged and I can't explain how horrible each second for me during that time was. But once got lucky enough get out of it and it was happiest day of entire life. Well just for me of course. Everyone around me was pretty bumped but I was selfish because I got out of it.

And the worst part of the whole thing that bugged me was that guy was honestly horrible. He called me fat and then his family came around to inspect me like a cattle because my family told them I wasn't fat. What a wonderful thing to your child. Really helped my self esteem.

He couldn't even spell aunty right. Yeah he wrote 'unty' and apparently his parents bragged he went and study in Australia. So, if Australians wrote aunty like that, then I suppose I was being a little judgy.

Anyhow, I was so relieved. It was like I could breathe again. But obviously it wasn't the end of it.

Things like that don't don't just end for people in our society. Situations like that kept happening and my parents was getting desperate at this point because duh! I was growing old and who would marry an old girl even when like they 10 years older her.

During the period of my engagement my mental health was at its worse and it was getting worse everyday. I was constantly having panic attacks and one day out pity I was finally taken to the doctor not a psychologist or psychiatrist but just a normal doctor.

Lucky for me that guy prescribed a magical pill which fixed everything, for a while and I loved it. The minute I would take that pill everything would become normal. I would even stopped caring about the engagement thing till that pill lasted.

I didn't know at first what it was but then I figured it out and I would go out buy shit ton of them because it fixed things for a while.

In short I was addicted to vallium and then I found out there are other pills like that such as Xanax and plenty of other and as long as I had money no one cared who they selling these pills too and it wasn't like I was buying them from some shady person. I was actually buying them from legit pharmaceutical shops.

So, whenever situations like those came around or at that any other point I faced problems I would take those pills but then I realized that eventually that they stopped working so I increased the doses for them to work and the doses increased and increased. At one point I was taking a box each day just for a moment of calm. And years went by and so did the amount of pills I was literally throwing my whole month of salary on them.

Then my family finally noticed that something was off because I never had money and I wasn't exactly

buying anything so where was the money going? Also I was sleeping a lot and starting to forget things which was pretty out character for me.

I was confronted and given an ultimatum. So, for a week or more I think I didn't take any pills but then I was taking them for years now and you are not supposed to suddenly stop them. But I didn't know that at that time.

And that was my first attempt to kill myself. But then things happen, bad things, and they kept happening and happening. Finally came a point where no one was to stop me from taking pills or trying to kill myself.

By then I had committed multiple attempts to kill myself. I was self harming long before that but after that it had gotten much worse. And my last attempt was this year but instead of dying I went into a seizure which lasted 48 hours and even after that I wasn't able move my tounge properly and certain part of my body for a month.

That was the first time I was scared of suicide. Because I was not able to do anything on my own. I bit tounge so hard that it bled and broke a teeth. It worse than dying.

I was finally taken to the hospital and a real psychiatrist who finally diagnosed me with my illness.

Yet still, some people think I make things up because I did them in the past but that shit was real and anyone who say I act crazy to get attention, then I swear to you that you wouldn't wish that condition on your worst enemy.

Talking about all this wasn't to let my heart out or anything. I just want to tell you and anyone who understands to realise that mental illness is very very real and it's a nightmare that doesn't go away. That only problem it is not visible like other diseases. It's just like having a cancer but imagine you can't see that cancer.

And being suicidal is not a joke, no one wants to end their lives on purpose. Everyone wants to live.

But just think for a moment from prespective of the person that their brain had been through enough that it thought that life is not worth living anymore. And if it's a sin then they are ready to go to hell because imagine life being worse than hell.

I know this is already a really long post but I needed to bring this up because recently I was having conversation with colleagues about what we should about suicide awareness month and I was like maybe make post to empathize with people who go through this horrible rough path but my colleagues suggested that they should put this religious script which says that anyone commits suicide will never be forgiven and will forever be in hell.

And this was coming from the person who doesn't pray at all. I was like what about you? I wasn't judging him. I was like so you won't go to hell and be there forever?

And he was like I will be forgiven but people who commits suicide they will not be. And he was so confident that he even said that you will see on the day of judgment that people who didn't pray will be eventually forgiven but there is no way for people who had committed suicide to be forgiven.

And I was like okay, wow! Because there is literally no point with arguing or trying to make people like them understand because they won't. And I know many, actually forget many but most people would agree with him. Because they don't even accept mental illness as illness at all and if you are sad/depressed you must not be praying or need to pray more.

But, I pray for those ignorants who make fun of mental illness and suicide and call it attention seekers or actors when it is desperate cry for help.

[starlithan]

I Promise

word count:1481 words

Siren Jisung/ Reader (ft. San ATEEZ)

Warnings: slight abuse 

next

INTRO

Y/n POV;

“Here you go the keys if you need anything I'll be downstairs okay” the landlord said 

I just moved into my new place at jeju it's not that big but its comfortable plus its near to the sea and let me say very very very cheap, I take the keys and head in my house  “darong-ah I told you those are just drawings of fish not actual fish” i tell my cat who's trying to catch the fish that I drew on the canvas. 

I'd say I'm not much of an art person to begin with. I just like to draw things related to the sea, which is one of the reasons why I moved here. “Okay that's it it's time for us to go to bed, come on” I pick her up and head to my room.

My room was a little big it had a study in the corner a bookshelf in the right corner and bed in the middle I put Darong on the bed “I'll get freshened up okay and don't you dare go back for the fish there just drawings okay” she just dismisses me and looks away “whelp I guess that’s my cue”.

“Darong you asleep?” i say in a low voice cats aren't deep sleepers, i take the towel off of my head and- Ring Ring~ 

My phone starts ringing “where the heck is it” i go outside to find it on the kitchen counter 

Hyunjin

“Hmm what's up Hyunjin”

“Hey what sup you settled yet?” he asks he sounded a bit tired from the other side

“Yes I did what's wrong? You sound a little tired?” 

“Yeah me and Chan just got back to find the house ruined by Kkami… so I'm just cleaning up I guess” I laugh at that I mean Kkami always ruins the house when Hyunjin’s not there but Darong ..noooo she ruins the house infront of me it's like  I hear her saying I don't like this throw it away.

“Give me the phone” Chan says to Hyunjin from the other line

“Y/n what do you think should I beat Felix or not?” the twist in the conversation

What did Felix do now!!?

“Why are you asking me that what did he do now?” I ask getting a little curious at what he did

“What.. did Seungmin not tell you yet?...” okay I think now I'm getting a little worried 

“No…. what's wrong” I ask a little hesitant

“The guys in the hospital”

“What WHY… is he okay”

“You should expect it by now … food poisoning he ate too much brownies” blank I think my mind went blank 

“I'm gonna kill him” that’s all I said, and I hung up on Chan and quickly dialed Felix’s number 

I mean I should have expected it. Felix's love for brownies is beyond this roof and it's not like this is the first time he had to visit the hospital for food poisoning. 

~beep beep~

“Hello”

“Where are you?” i go straight to the point 

“I- I'm home” he says a bit hesitant

“I swear to God Felix if your at the hospital I'm gonna kill you”

“It was just a little brownie. What's wrong with that and you know how much i love it and…”

Buzzing my head starts buzzing i could hear Felix calling out my name and asking if im alright, but the pain i can't see anything clearly 

Deep Breaths, Deep Breaths 

I tell myself I take in deep breaths the buzzing slowly goes away and my sight slowly comes back. I slowly get up from the ground and sit on the nearest sofa, my hands were shaking violently i've been getting these Migraines from about 4 years now, and when i say it's severe its severe my phone rings again

“Felix i'm fine”

“Y/n it's me Felix told me you had a migraine again are you okay?” the voice of my older brother says from the other side of the phone. I stop.

“Minho Im fine its okay it was just a small one im fine you don't need to worry” i tried to sound as okay as i could 

He sighs in relief “Okay good good… you almost gave me a heart attack” he says 

“Im fine im sorry you dont need to worry” i tell him

“It's okay but just call Felix before you go to sleep okay he was really freaked out …. And don't stress okay”

“Okay i'll call him good night” i hung up before he could say anything i just did not wanted him to be worried, i dialed Felix again 

“Y/N ARE YOU OKAY? Im sooooo sorry ill never eat brownies again just don't stress out okay i'm sorry” he says trying to control his tears from the other line 

“I'm okay Felix i'm sorry i got you worried” i say trying to control my laugh he so cute 

“Okay okay you take rest okay” he says sniffing 

“Okay you take your medicines kay” i say 

“Okay promise go to bed and rest okay bye”

“Bye

_____________________________________

Flashback~

“I told you to wash the stairs why didn't you” my step mother yelled at me 

“I had to go to school. I told you, i'll do it after i'm done with my assignments” i told her, her face got so red.

“Don't get smart with me i'll lock you in the basement again” she said her face close to mine her anger radiated this heat off of her, i hate her so much, i do everything and then she takes the credit for all of it, i can't even tell dad, she just makes him so happy i can't take that away from him and Minho he was so hurt after Mom's death that i don't wanna burden him with all my problems.

“I told you, but i think you didn't hear me i have to go study and when im done ill do it” with that i started to head to my room when something hit my head, i started to get dizzy i look behind me, then down on the floor to see the vase broken, after that i pretty much don't remember what happened, everything just blacked out

“She's going to be alright” a voice said, “just please don't give her a lot of stress she has a sewer case of migraines that vase hit her at a very sensitive area its better to avoid things that hurt her”

I slowly opened my eyes to see my dad, and the doctor, Minho was in the corner his eyes puffed up as if he cried “Please come with me Mr. Lee i want to  prescribe her some medicines” the doctor said my father squeezed my hand, smiled at me and followed him outside, when he left the room Minho came close to my bed “Hi” he said with a small smile i wanted to say i'm okay but i couldn't “its okay dont say anything you need rest, i'm just disappointed in myself you used to tell me everything when we were kids and…… why didn't you tell me she was treating you like that?” he asked i just stared at him “Dad found out and its okay shes gone Dad divorced her” he said but he had that sad look on him, i know he was sad that i didn't tell him anything, i wanted to say a lot of things but we just sat there, silently communicating.

______________________________

I came out to the beach, the night sky was beautiful, the calm cold air, and the sand beneath my feet, it was such a beautiful moment, i took a look at the sea, sometimes the sea looked so lonely, so lonely that i wanted to go in it and forget everything, i wished that rather than having a migraine  i could have lost my memories, i walked along the sea, with the soothing silence.

*singing*

I could hear someone singing in the distance, my feet started to follow the voice as I got closer the singing became louder, i wouldn't lie the song was beautiful almost hypnotizing, it felt like it was calling me i got near a rock, the sound was definitely coming from here, but what i saw was unbelievable it almost took my breath away, a man half naked with ….. A tail.. A merman, I was looking at a Freaking  Merman, he had black stunning hair with rainbow streaks, a beautiful face, and a red or maybe a maroon tail. It was beautiful, when he noticed me, he got scared and quickly went into the sea.

“Wait!” i said but he was far off gone, this can't be real “i think i took too many sleeping pills” i told myself trying to deny the fact that i just saw a merman, or something.

______________________________________

[spursnroses]

So I’m still trying to process what happened last night. I need to write it out because I have no one nor place for it. First, I am going to warn you that this post will contain triggers such as mental illness, suicidal ideations/suicide that involves a family member, violent threats/verbal abuse, sexual abuse, alcohol abuse, and family death. Please do not read if you cannot handle such heavy content.

Last night my mother ended up drinking quite a bit, and we got into a fight.

She threw a temper tantrum for a very stupid reason - her phone died and her only phone charger was too short because over a couple of weeks ago my cat chewed up her other one which she left out despite knowing about his chewing habits by the way. She ranted about wanting to kill my cat/wishing he would die. She then threatened to take my phone and break it, so she made several attempts to grab it from me, but I refused. It turned into a wrestling match - I tried shoving her off me.

Of course, I grew upset. I kept telling her to stop or that she was making me angry. She wouldn’t listen. She deliberately kept me from going into my room so I could remove myself from the situation. I finally gave up and pushed my phone into her chest: “You want my phone so damn bad. Here you go.” I walked past her into the bathroom to wash off the blood from the scratch she gave me in the process.  This made her angrier and shoved my phone back into my jacket’s pocket violently and tried to rip my jacket. She started to mock me for being hurt. She deflected by making claims that she was just playing around and that I always treat her she was such a horrible person and mother. That she’s an abuser. That I should go live with my “father” who never had anything to do with me in my entire life.

I tried to defuse the situation once again by trying to console her because I already felt tired by this point. I brought her a cup of water then she went to bed hoping she’ll just sleep it off. I was wrong.

She came back out and rummaged through the kitchen’s drawers. I pleaded with my mother from killing herself for however many times. She first cut her arm and her leg. She stood there in the kitchen with a knife to her throat. Eventually, I was able to calm her down. When she returned to her room, I immediately hid all the objects she could hurt herself with and she finally went to sleep.  For many years, ever since I was a child, I lived with a severely mentally ill and single parent. My youngest memory of her mental illness remains fresh in my mind - I would be six years old and get up in the mornings to make breakfast and wandered outside alone while she still slept in bed almost all day. I found myself terrified by her violent outbursts or meltdowns - I would lie through my teeth to avoid her anger - sometimes I still am terrified. She depended on me a lot for emotional support despite being a child; wanting to be the best daughter, of course, I did whatever I could to make her happy. People would constantly compliment me on how mature I was for a young girl.  I used to be highly sensitive during my early childhood - I would cry at the simplest “no” - but I think it had a lot to do with emotional neglect. As I grew older, I detached myself from emotions. Today I still struggle with expressing how I feel.

I carry a lot of trauma from life - my mother, though most of it is unintentional, emotionally manipulated and abused me for who knows how long and her past boyfriend who sexually abused me when I was five and six years old. Growing up deaf came with no easy tasks too. I already knew I was different from other kids when I walked on the playground with no friends. I experienced constant fatigue and anxiety.

Recently, I lost both of my grandparents who helped to raise me; they were my biggest support system. In 2015, my grandma unexpectedly grew ill and passed away on my birthday. My grandpa had early-onset dementia, and it was awful and stressful. He eventually succumbed to his bodily ailments in 2019. I watched and said my final goodbyes to both of them on their deathbeds. That’s when the drinking escalated especially since my grandma died. Alcoholism runs deep in my family. My grandpa, unfortunately, drank, his brother and sister also drank to themselves to death, and now my mother and aunt drink heavily.

When my mother drinks, she binges to the point she rages or blackouts. She has called in sick to work multiple times before because she’s so hungover. 50/50 of the time when she’s drunk, she’ll start picking fights with me. On a few occasions, it has become physical such as blocking my path or cornering me but most of the time it evolves into name-calling, berating, and guilt-tripping. She often breaks things when she goes into a white-hot rage. There are dents on the walls of the bathroom. A few weeks ago, she shattered one of my grandma’s possessions. She once ripped the front door off its hinges which I later fixed.  She sometimes brings strange men to the house, and last year, one of them crawled into my bed naked and grabbed my wrist waking me up. It scared me so badly. Thankfully he didn’t do anything to me because I jerked away and asked, “What are you doing?” and he left my room. I woke my mom up and had him leave. My mother still had the gall to say I was just dreaming it. After that incident, I installed a lock on my door and sleep with a tazer under my pillow.

I have accepted at this point in life it is out of my control. I can’t stop her from drinking. I can’t force her to seek treatment.

She always had a poor temper and suicidal tendencies though. It just intensified with alcohol. One time she took a bunch of pills with vodka and fell in the shower mostly unresponsive. I called my aunt for help, and she came over; so did the paramedics. She spent a few days in an institution for observation and treatment, but that never really helped her. This was not her first episode; she ended up there a few times - over a year ago her former counselor called the police on her and they came to the house. One of the policemen found the pill bottle with my name on it and accused me of giving my mother the bottle though this situation was beyond my control. She ended up at the hospital then transferred to the institution for suicide watch. She never became the better for it. She refuses and claims nothing ever helps her. Lately, I have been trying to distance myself from my mother. It’s difficult to set boundaries because she constantly crosses them. I have grown to become very angry and resentful especially towards her. My mother is extremely emotionally enmeshed. She depends on me for emotional support, but after so many years, it is starting to wear me down. I no longer want to feel responsible for her emotions. I honestly have no support system in place. I don’t have any close friends to talk about what I’ve been going through. My aunt is clueless about what goes on at home, and I don’t intend to tell her about it because I know it just would cause more problems.  Sometimes, I just want to scream, kick, and cry. My life can be literal purgatory. I feel very trapped. I want so badly for something or someone to whisk me away from this life. It amazes me that I don’t act as fucked up as I truly am.