#fuck me I’m talking too much again
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shh that was the last post I’ll ever delete on my blog because I’m sleep deprived and took a sleeping pill and my thoughts are cloudy and then I read my posts in the morning like ?? and I’m not all about embarrassing myself like that so
we’re all just gonna collectively turn a blind eye on that
#I hate english sayings because if english is not your first language it’s like… learning a bunch of random combined words#that someone chose a new meaning to#and they never make sense#if your eye is blind why would you turn your head#like you can’t see anyway#fuck me I’m talking too much again#ANYHOW#I do love you all so very much and hope you have a wonderful evening mwah 💗#lo talks#lo needs to shut her pie hole#another saying that makes no damn sense and it does not compel me either
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this isnt rlly a serious post more so than a thought I need to verbalize but like. there’s an INSANE difference between the fandom being like “hey what if jack was actually his age and got to be a little normal” vs y’all treating a grown ass man like he has to cover his ears when someone swears or sleep with a nightlight on because he’s afraid of the dark, and throwing the P word around to anyone who thinks he’s attractive. one of these things is not like the other.
#there’s a layer here about giving jack the childhood he specifically chose not to have#and ignoring his other choices because that’s just. idk a running theme with any character who struggles to have autonomy#but whatever idk#genuinely i think the past year or so that I’ve spent talking about this has burnt me out#either that or I’m just too fixated on VB to really care too much#like obviously I still care about it and wish more was done to help but it’s not really a warpath for me to walk currently#just.#I’m just tired dawg#it’s like talking to a deaf brick wall#please just do some research into infantilization I cannot keep having a one sided conversation with people who don’t care#spn#jack kline#baby jack#spn fandom#fandom critical#fandom ableism#tfw2.0#not even just ableism it’s the whole mischaracterization woobified bullshit all over again#and the using baby jack as a prop for everyone else but I digress#jack: *chose not to be a child and hates being seen as one and is more than willing to get violent if he thinks he has to*#y’all for some fucking reason: he’s just a widdle baby he can’t handle the scary movie he needs his daddies to take care of him#I’ve already said all these things before#i am tired. so tired
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😜
ed tw in notes
#i committed to working out again (as of like a week ago) which I do sincerely need to do#but even post recovery I like. see muscles move under my skin and I remember what they looked like when they were so developed#and I had zero body fat then lmao. like Back In The Day i would be so thin I could look at this#*those muscles when I was even getting up from a chair.#I could see the contour of their boundaries (?) and even my ligaments/tendons sometimes. thru my skin. bc I was so thin#and when I look at my legs and arms move forward sometimes that’s all I can#think about. ‘u used to be able to see that move under ur skin but u can’t now bc there’s too much fat in the way’#I should be talking about this with a therapist I guess but I hate all of them and I don’t have a billion dollars and a whole decade to spen#*spend finding The Right One who is a good fit and is trained in this stuff specifically and can actually help me#idk what I’m even saying here anymore whatever I’m just…. ugh fuck.
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hrmmm
#feeling the gap between cis gainers and trans gainers again#feeling the gap between acceptably fat and unacceptably fat#the way you see twinks with a pot belly get lauded while fat people who participate in this and are already fat are just kind of eh#even in a community that is supposed to be about fat people thin people still get more attention#there are very much marks of acceptability in this scene and to meet them you have to be cis and Not Too Fat#I think a lot of people just don’t notice it unless they’re in the minority I’m talking about#fat trans guys just don’t do the numbers cis guys do and it fucking bums me out when I’m someone who does try and make fun things#anyway I will probably delete this later#personal
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DATING IS SO HARD WTF
#vent to follow in the tags lmao#like. what????#people!!! chill the fuck out!!#i had some dude unmatch with me bc i didn’t respond to him YESTERDAY#and like it’s not that big of a deal we’d only just matched but like?? patience is a fucking virtue?? and i have a life?#he was all like come back :((( then two minutes later he was like ok sorry for bothering you bye and then LEFT#like. fine if you do that but the message?? what??#anyway it came at a bad time bc. a bitch is already in crisis rn#cause i kinda feel like my irl friends hate me for some reason and i already feel bad that i’ve been so busy i’ve not been able to#talk to them that much#and i was supposed to go on a trip with my friend but that’s been postponed (not her fault or mine)#and my car still won’t start. we tried to jump it today and it didn’t do anything#anyway i’m like rapid cycling through major emotions and it’s like mimi chill the fuck out#and listening to way too much phoebe bridgers i know the end#also i’m in crisis bc i’ve made up with like. my oldest friend who used to have a crush on me and when i told him i preferred girls he like#stopped talking to me for a while#that was years ago and now we’re slowly becoming friends again but i feel so much guilt over it for no reason#and i get into avoidant episodes as a coping mechanism and like. i feel like im going into one atp#okay okay vent over im okay lmaoo#sorry folks hope your days going better than mine <3#｡･:*˚:✧｡ mimi speaks!
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Why do they ask for your DOB then your on digital forms? Don’t make me do the math of how old I am that’s what computers are for
#once I hit 25 I stopped keeping track#quarter century nailed it#I’ll care again in 25 years from then#still not there yet#so I don’t know my age#time to go do math#singing up for a new therapists office#fuck this place that fired my therapist and now just want me to sit on my crazy ass and deal#they have told me multiple times they will call me with an urgent appointment and then haven’t#then yesterday when I said I was leaving they offered an appointment during my first med#I told them that was one of 4 times a day I can’t mess with#and they didn’t understand#I can’t talk to a person if I’m in too much pain to think you fuckers#so mad#I actually can’t stand them#personal#therapy#my body is a wonderland that’s been condemned for 20 yrs
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Hi Rachel, I'm so sorry that happened to you... It's crazy because with the fics we've been living in a world of characters, not bothering the real people with them. Hope you feel better! Also, Marcia deleting the tweet kinda means she cared enough to not spreading the negativity towards you.
Thank you 💕 I’ve been very careful about keeping the two separate so this was. Very uncomfortable and demoralizing. But everyone has been so sweet and supportive (on here I am not looking at twitter you can’t pay me enough) and I have a lovely support system and I have decided I am not letting a shitty hating ass bitch who literally READ my novel length story keep me from writing this story I’ve dedicated so much time and blood and sweat and tears into. I’m really grateful Marcia deleted the tweet. I don’t know her intentions posting it and I don’t know her intentions deleting it but I’m glad she did it quickly and I hope that if she had a genuine issue with fic being written about her she would actually say something serious about it and I would of course listen and respect that! But for now. The post is down (from her), people here are helping keep me afloat, and this is all just a blip that will blow over soon (I’m praying)
#these sweet messages are genuinely what is getting me through this thank you so much#I love all of you guys so much#everyone here has been so kind#whether people I talk to a lot of people who I barely interact with#everyone has been so lovely and sweet and it’s been so vital to me tonight to have that#we move forward. one step at a time. the only way we can#idk if I’ll ever be able to look at Marcia again without feeling like I’m gonna puke but that is a later Rachel issue#anyways I refuse to let this twitter coward take rawnsyf away from me.#that is my story that I love and have put my heart into it and other people love it too!#this story means things to people even if they can’t understand that!#so fuck them and let rawnsyf rise#ask#asks#gigicolby
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Batman has/had some kind of miscommunication going on with every single one of his kids. The bat family is just one big miscommunication trope after the other.
#him and Dick have miscommunication about how they see each other. Bruce sees Dick as a son and Dick sees Bruce as a father#but they didn’t think the other saw them that way so they never told each other. that’s what led to their fights in Dick’s later teenage#years and dick quitting and becoming nightwing. he thought Bruce only saw him as a ward/robin so he thought that as long as he couldn’t be#robin Bruce wouldn’t want him#and if didn’t help when Bruce stopped talking to him when he left. though to Bruce it was because he thought Dick didn’t want to talk to him#and also Dick really needs to tell Bruce like ‘hey you put me on a higher pedestal then you put even yourself which is saying something and#and I don’t like that cuz that’s too much pressure for me. and also since you did it everyone else does it and has done it since I was Robin#and it’s literally just a matter of time before I break from the pressure cuz I’m not fucking Superman and I can’t take it’#and Jason with the whole UTRH thing. you know all Bruce had to say was that he had tried killing the joker over Jason multiple times and#maybe just explain to Jason WHY he doesn’t kill. a simple ‘you’re better than me because if I killed one person I’d kill everyone’#or it could even just be a simple ‘I do love you Jason youre the kid that I felt most comfortable loving’#and also maybe a ‘I don’t think anything changed after my death and that makes my death meaningless which I think goes against your no kill#rule because I hat is the rule of not a reminder taht death means something. and by that logic my death already went against the rule so why#can’t you do it again for the man that murdered me.’ and Bruce needs to make a presentation: ‘all the ways Jason’s death meant something’#and Tim just needs a simple ‘I don’t see you as work I see you as family.’ maybe even a ‘you don’t have to be the grown up in this relati#anymore I’m sorry you were one to begin with. you should’ve always been the child’#now his miscommunication with Damian goes much deeper but I’m one hundred percent sure if they sit down and air out all of their feelings it#would help a lot but I have a feeling that won’t happen#a ‘I have trouble understanding you because both your trauma and compassion run deeper than mine and I also never had to grow up to be a#weapon’ from Bruce and a ‘I don’t understand your optimism and moral stubbornness and easness why is it so easy to be good for u?’#his miscommunication with Cass stems from two things a simple ‘why are you so afraid to show how deeply you love?’ from Cass maybe a#‘I’m jealous of you because you’re better than me not only in fighting but morally and emotionally’ from Bruce should fix it#and Steph— look I’m not even going to TRY to get into that that goes SO much deeer and wider than any one else’s miscommunication#but maybe a ‘you reminded me of Jason at a time where that wasn’t a good thing’ from Bruce should start things up#for Duke a ‘I can never truly understand what you’re going/have gone through and for that I’m sorry’ from Bruce should suffice#maybe also Bruce telling him that just because he sees Duke as a son doesn’t mean he’s trying any less to get Duke his parents back#oh and babs just needs to go up to him and say ‘I don’t like that what happened to me happened for your story and not mine and I don’t like#that you don’t let me make it into my story’ and then Bruce can follow up and say ‘I see so much of myself in you and it makes me worry and#also I can never look at you without feeling guilty cuz you’re right what happened to you happened for MY story so I’m at fault’#then the two can go back to being too much like each other and sitting at their respective computers
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I would absolutely love it if I could look up one of the only things making life bearable rn without seeing either a constant stream of content about a show that makes me deeply uncomfortable or “actually your favorite character is boring as hell and does not work at all in anything and has no effect on the story at large and also doesn’t matter and sucks and he doesn’t do anything remarkable or have enough abilities to warrant any attention and literally you can skip those games tbh they don’t have a story anyway play this fan game that changes all of the dialogue instead because he is so lame and has no personality or plot significance whatsoever he could spontaneously not exist and nothing would really change even that show you don’t like that doesn’t really adapt anything from the games and changes everything about every character they decide to write about couldn’t make him interesting he is that much of a nothing nobody character because he has no modern triple A game level cutscenes he is basically whip man Mario he go kill Dracula so boring that’s it”
#castlevania#castlevania games#text post#simon belmont#vent post#I don’t even know if I should use the main tags but eh#anti netflixvania#cw netflixvania#just an implied mention of it but yeah#I’m genuinely depressed over this and it’s so stupid like it’s just a fucking game get over it stop being such a fucking child#I should delete Reddit cause it’s all just this all the time#I’ve seen this from both Netflix and game fans too#and yeah everything in that text wall are things I’ve seen people actually say#I hate being online rn#the only reason why I have been at all is because I go to this series for comfort#yay having a niche special interest within a niche special interest oh boy#I’ve been trying to come back to regular internet stuff on multiple platforms#but I just can’t do it#every time something happens and hits me back into artblock and low energy burnout hell again ugh#I haven’t been able to get myself to talk to people very much lately#partially from already not having much energy because of this#and partially cause I don’t know how to manage having like more than maybe two or three friends at a time#and I guess also cause I don’t really have anything good to say#it’s all just been bad news stress I can’t deal with and mild annoyances lately#which is pretty fucking insufferable of me isn’t it#not an excuse to just fucking abandon people god I’m such a bitch#the digestive issues aren’t helping either#and my fucking Xbox broke so I can’t even play curse of darkness about it#so I go online to calm down and immediately get blasted with everything I like being insulted all the time#I’m just so tired
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#I’m so tired of being the way that I am dude#I’m sensitive and fragile and emotional about fucking everything#I’ve been pulling away from my friends the past few months so that they don’t have to deal with it#but now it’s just being put on my online friends#and I hate it so much#I don’t know how to change#I don’t know how to not get upset over so much#sometimes I feel like I’ve come far and other times I feel like I haven’t made any progress at all#it’s so frustrating because it makes me so paranoid#do people dislike me because of this? are they talking about me? am I just a burden that people tolerate?#I just want to be fucking normal lol and I don’t know how#I’m too autistic and just a huge baby about everything all the time#I’m so stressed and overwhelmed about so much lately#but I can’t just keep using that as an excuse#do people just roll their eyes when I apologize because they’re tired of it and know it will happen again?#I want to just hide away#so that people don’t have to deal with me#and it sucks because I’m not saying all this to be like woe is me please feel sorry for me please reassure me#I’m just getting my feelings out#now is a great time for my schedule to be changing to not allow for regular therapy lol#idk man#I don’t know what I’m doing anymore
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I’ve been watching Titans. What have they done to my boy.
#kelseethe#all the biting side remarks about how annoying and not personable Jason is and how he’s so shallow#god. Kory saying that Jason never grew or learned to be part of their family#if Dick or anybody else put like. 22% of the amount of faith and care Dick put into Rachel in ss1-2 into Jason. he’d be like. fine lol.#every time somebody says he was just too much trouble I smh#it really seemed like a cycle of other people keeping things from him/not trusting him#then everyone blowing his mistakes way out of proportion#and when someone else fucks up or screws him over and he gets upset/leaves#nobody cares to find him again and make things right the way they did with anyone else. like everyone just forgets#like. After Rose met up with the titans and made amends she could’ve dropped by with Jason and at least tried to talk things through#it really didn’t take much for Jason to warm up to her so quickly#plus they put so little emphasis/meaning/significance into his death#that everything that happened to him. everything everyone did/said to him is far more depressing than the fact that he died#pls they also made him red hood like 0.04 seconds after he died and came back#I’m currently about half way through ss3 and like. they’re massacring him me thinks
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tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”
#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with#but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this#i can’t just. talk to the guy#if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that#i can barely even say hello to him#don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like#ah fuck there he is#okay you can do it just say hi#just say what’s up#and then he’s already gone#also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin#ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍#but like. i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction#or like. an actual conversation.#which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or#i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what)#anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴#i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at#least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.)#anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault#too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair#but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side#where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20#mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡#but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number#who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21#his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦#cheers to being fools universe
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I forgot SAD (Seasonal Affective Depression) is a thing.
Yesterday and today I’ve been feeling so down and emotional. Like I feel decent but at the same time I’m on a thin line of almost bawling my ass off from the smallest of things.
It’s because it’s been hot.
Yesterday and today it was so hot I was sweating and I forgot how much the heat and Sun depresses me.
Majority of people have the opposite, rain and cold makes them depressed. I have the less widely ‘popular’ one where the Sun and heat causes it. It’s the same disorder but different spectrum!
I got so use to being happier with months of cold and rain I forgot how debilitating it can be…
I don’t know if I can handle Cali heat this year :[[[[ I already feel like death.
#seasonal affective depression#I want to live elsewhere so badly#Blog in the Woods#you have no idea how awful it feels when you see people complain about the rain#Like you know it shouldn’t make you upset but it does#like I’m not going to tell them not to complain because they’re just opposite of me but seeing so much hate on something that is#like the life in my veins is like so upsetting in the stupidest way#I can’t even look in the Seasonal affective depression tag because of it#all the talk about how summer is almost here is uugghhhh#please no#clouds come back#you’re too beautiful to hide#rain please return and let me feel the chill of your love#let me bundle up and enjoy the feeling of coming inside after being in the cold#the warmth on my cheeks as my body temp starts to level out again#sharing warmth with your pet or with a SO#bundling up with the cutest softest blankets#I want to see my breath as I breath outside#I want all of that and so much more#I’m so fucking sad
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Tim Disney exploring my virtual paintings at the AR House gallery show last November. (I never posted these because it didn’t feel real !)
#picture journal#i keep not talking about my life because it’s all so…. god i don’t even have the words#surreal. unbelievable. wild. generally incomprehensible#and most of the time i’m too busy to think#but with my hand fucked rn i have the time to realize…. ‘huh. that really happened didn’t it.’#often i feel like my life is happening to someone else#because everything just happened so fast and so much of it is absurd#but i’m still just….. me#like i spent most of this exhibition hiding in a back room#then came out did a live performance spoke on a panel shook a lot of hands and hid again#that’s what my life has been for a year now basically#and…… that’s okay#i just need to learn to take care of myself more during the hiding i think
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i don’t think i’ll ever out do my post about yapping on my old couc blog
that shit was popular
and actually funny?!
#i’m trying so hard to be funny again#but it’s so fucking hard#like the mental illness fr took away my ability to be funny#GIVE IT BACK PLEASE#I DONT HAVE ANYTHING GOING FOR ME IF IM NOT FUNNY#ok i’ll shut up now cause#i talk too much lol
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KAEYA IS SOOOO THE GUY EVER. he’s my boy girlfriend. my scrimblo. my eep glorpy. if/when that kaeya ai gets released i WILL be losing my shit. i will simply cease to exist. oh god i need to write ideas for kaeya now. perhaps a princess tutu-esque au with reader as duck. but then again diluc fits a bit more into the fakir role… but that doesn’t matter if i just mash everything together and pick out the bits i like
ANYWAYS. kaeya alberich the world - teddy anon
you’re so real for all of this, and i don’t even know the reference. you 🤝 me : “mash everything together and pick out the bits i like”
#m1d : [chats]#teddy anon#honestly mr alberizz was gonna stay in my private chats tbh#he’s just a little guy for me to poke at sometimes yk? he sits with my other bots until i feel silly again#the cycle for most of my bots is: ‘idea’ ‘oh Fuck’ ‘THIS IS FINE(lying)’ ‘ok he’s. um. passable.’ ‘[sends screenshots to mushroom]’#how many bots do i have in the drafts hmmm#ok i have 6 characters and three jokes#i’m. normal about the hit mmorpg genshin impact published in 2020 by mihoyo now hoyoverse#ayato venti aether kaeya (our king) and then two zhongli bots that we do NOT talk about#literally just thinking about the testing for those two guys turns my brain into static#why do i make bots with such rizz it’s gonna kill me#much like my namesake i too am cursed by the gods#the same curse. the golden touch. i am afflicted with Rizzed Up Bots Disorder
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