#get top surgery and go live on my own. i don't even want a house for myself or even a car; i can use my bike and live frugally

[honeyed-disgraceful]

I'd be so fucking powerful if I could access top surgery and therapy and if I weren't poor lmao

[homunculus-argument]

hey there! this sounds like a bit of a silly question, but as a trans guy, you’re one of the few trans people i’ve been following almost since i joined tumblr, so based on your other anon ask and answer i figured i’d pop in and ask if you have any advice? if you want to answer, ofc :) — i foresee this being a bit long, so i totally get if not

so i’m also a trans guy, but i haven’t been able to take any steps toward medical transitioning before since i live with my parents. but i’ll move out soon, and i still can’t decide if i should take any of these steps even once i do. i’ve never felt like i particularly wanted to medically transition (i don’t really care about how my body looks + i’ve never really cared about changing any of it), but i would like to be seen a guy — i don’t mind if not so by strangers, but maybe so by like, my friends. but i can’t help but feel like i’d be laughed at for wanting that — i’m not naturally androgynous or masculine looking to others and i have never been mistaken for a guy, because i have really long hair, d cups, and curves. and without medically transitioning, i also kinda feel like i’m… betraying the trans community, since i’m not really putting the effort into my transition and so i’m just ‘pretending’, even though i do know i’m not.

so my question would be: as a trans person who has transitioned, socially and medically, do you think people are more understanding than i think they are currently? do you know of any trans people who don’t want to medically transition, and do you think it’s possible to live fulfilled that way? or even: do you think it would be easier for someone like me to just live a lie? i usually tell people i’m a lesbian, because they definitely would not look at me and assume ‘straight guy’, but also, as a trans person who doesn’t want to medically transition, i’m just always worried that i won’t be taken seriously. i feel like your experience of being trans and probably interacting with the community is much more than mine, which is why i ask this last one — i would try being open myself, but again, i’m still living with my parents unfortunately.

I'll be honest I don't actually really know much "community" save for former art school classmates. I've only known one trans person irl who chose not to medically transition - at the time, Finland's trans law was still shitty and required sterilisation for legal sex change, and all that. She didn't want kids or anything, but refused to engage in the process as her own little personal civilian protest. I don't want to paint some caricature picture of some Sharp Dommy Tall Scary Goth Trans Anarchist, but I was deeply impressed by the way she didn't do a single thing to try to seem smaller, softer, or in any way submissive or docile to be ~feminine~ the right, socially accepted way.

She wasn't just taller than most men but usually the tallest person in the room, and she stood out in a crowd of cis women like a crane in a chicken coop - a bird just as much as they are, but a different kind of bird. And I remember thinking that I could never do that, being so unflinching and unhesitant about standing out in the crowd because assimilating and muting yourself is beneath your dignity.

Honestly, I don't know what to tell you about being openly trans without transitioning medically, save for that it takes more guts than being able to just go stealth. I had physical dysphoria about the way my body was, and was desperate to get top surgery just for the sake of my own physical comfort, and I like the convenient anonymity of being able to just be Just Some Guy who doesn't attract anyone's interest or curiosity.

It's a smart move to not come out to your parents before you're out of their house and not relying on them for anything - this is something everyone should use their own judgement for, but I stress it to every queer kid to not take the risk if there's any chance that they'll react poorly while they still have power over you. But living your whole life in the closet - "living a lie" is a good way to put it - will corrode you from the inside.

It's better to live in peace with yourself and against the world, than in peace with the world against yourself. There is absolutely nothing in your power that you could do to change the minds of people who have already decided that they don't respect you, and if they try telling you that they would, if you only met their approved criteria, they are lying. That's bait they're dangling in front of you, and there's no "earning" the respect of such people.

Stay true to yourself and be good to people, and you'll have the respect of people who are capable of respecting you. Don't waste your time and energy on people who won't respect you, every thought and effort you spare them is wasted on them.

[jupitervega]

fleein the south part II

hi, i'm ri & i'm an autistic nonbinary trans guy-lite-ish person. 4 years ago i moved out to denver from mississippi (where i was born & raised) & immediately had a massive improvement in my quality of life. i was able to access medical & psychiatric care, my career stabilized, people were addressin me with correct terms for the most part, & i was startin to feel like life had finally begun

unfortunately when the lease ran out on our house end of summer last year my roommates decided not to renew, & then the people who were gonna be my new roommates backed out last minute. in a panic i looked for other options but with time runnin short & top surgery approachin i decided to recover at a friend's house & move back to mississippi once my surgeon cleared me to travel cross country so i could regroup somewhere i figured would be less expensive & at least somewhat familiar

that, friends, was a very costly & painful mistake! every single problem that made me wanna move away in the first place has only exacerbated!

i'm comin up on 8 months post top surgery, i have a beard, & i'm still gettin called ma'am/she/her. trump flags & signs still adorn many yards/porches here. hatred & bigotry run rampant in local politics. the other day i didn't even enter one of the convenience stores in the town where i live when i stopped by because they had posted a very thinly veiled racist sign on the door

when i arrived back here i was not even a full month outta surgery & i had a minor complication, so i went to the emergency room cause what else was i sposed to do? applied for charity as i had around $100 to my name at that point, which i THINK? got approved? also applied for mississippi medicaid the same day, which got denied almost outright as i have no children. so i've been uninsured since november & rationin the 3 month supply of my psych/migraine meds i received before leavin colorado for goin on 7 months. never mind bein able to access hrt!

job prospects here are Not Great! i've had to collect unemployment for a while as i cannot for the life of me find a full time job with a livin wage. otherwise i literally cannot make ends meet as the jobs i've held so far down here are payin average 50% or less of what i was makin in denver. even with the part time gigs i've had i have yet to crack 30hr/wk on any kind of regular basis

housin is an absolute shitshow. my lease is up 1 july (got a month extension) & i've been searchin everywhere for an affordable place of my own or at least a good roommate. the more affordable studio/1bd apartments go for around $700 & up, but most have income requirements of 2.5-3x the monthly rent which, considerin previous point abt wages, is near impossible. roommate listins are available but the majority are questionable at best & seekin a live-in bangmaid at worst

with all these considerations i spent the past few weeks feelin worse & worse lookin for somewhere close to the job i currently have. the leases are like 6mo-1y so i was picturin another year down here & how i was gonna survive, let alone thrive. my thoughts got darker & darker. i'd wake up in the mornin & be sad/disappointed i'd survived the night

this is no way to live

i snapped a few days ago. said to myself "if i'm destined to struggle wherever i go, i'd rather do it somewhere i actually Wanted to be in the first place" & started applyin for housin in denver. waitin to hear back from my first option & have secured a backup with a friend with a spare room for 6mo in case that falls through

right now i need help gettin the hell out! i've got first month's rent already put back, i can continue to collect unemployment until i land a good job in denver, & i'm already reachin out to find somewhere to work. i just don't have anywhere to go for another month or two to save the money i'll need to travel almost 1200mi (~1900km) back to colorado. i'll need at least $500 to make gas/food happen durin the time it will take me to get there, & i need it by the first of july (38 days from day of postin)

please help me escape!!!

ca: $jupitervega

vmo: jupitervega

ppal

please please please donate whatever you're able! pls boost!

thank u so much for readin, pls have an item from my emergency happy photo folder for yr enjoyment

[deliciousangelfestival]

My Problematic Girl-Chapter 7

Character: College!Steve Rogers x Rich!Female Reader

Words Count: 1,200,-

Prologue:  Steve has lived being nobody in this prestigious university. He just wants to graduate and get a job to get more money to pay the bills for his mother's surgery. 

But his life turned upside when a new student attended his class. His quiet and dull life became dangerous and full of surprises.

A/N: In chapters 6 and 7, we will learn about Y/N's background story. 

×××

She exhaled the cigarette smoke from her lips. She still doesn’t care even though he told her he has asthma. 

She looked at Steve and said, “Bark for me.”

Steve felt humiliated, and his pride was crushed. But she held his life and secrets. He had to bury his dignity to the ground, and he murmured, 

“Woof.”

******

I would appreciate any comments and feedback you can give me. 

You can tell me if you want to join the tag list. Don't be shy 😘💖💜💙

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9,-

Main Masterlist || Buy me Ko-fi

Y/N has never stepped into the Solomon house again since that day. Brian became a famous lawyer all those years, and his image as a loving husband and father towards Sophia and Sarah always appeared in the newspaper since Sophia was a socialite. 

One day, on her 15th birthday, her father called her. She thought he had realised his mistakes, but she became more disappointed. 

It turned out he asked her about the share from Starks company. Back then, Stark was just a small company, but now it has become an industry and beat Solomon company. It was unpredictable and put shame, especially on the main family of Solomon. They want some share from the Starks. 

Brian remembered his deceased wife owned a share at the Starks industries. How surprised he was when he discovered that Evelyn was the top main shareholder, and she gave it to Y/N. 

He wants it. 

Y/N rejected him upfront. He has taken everything from her, her mother, and her ability to play the piano, and now he wants to take the last gift Evelyn gave her. 

“Don’t you ever feel sorry about your wife?"

"Your anger means nothing because it doesn't change anything."

"Don't you know what today is?"

"What?"

"Today is my birthday."

There’s no guilty expression on her father's face. He typed his phone without looking at her. "Do you want to have dinner here? I'll call Sophia and Sarah."

Y/N scoffed. "Goodbye, Father."

"You should've said see you again. It seems like you don't want to come back here." 

She ignored him and left. Nothing here made her feel at home as long as she stayed with Stark's household; that's enough. 

She should've made that wish in front of the birthday cake with a candle to make it come true. 

Because Howard and Maria got into a car accident three days after her birthday, the bridge they drove through collapsed.

Tony couldn't accept his parents being gone. He searched for the answer and found an inspection about what there was. The quality of the materials is poor. And another important clue is that the company responsible for building this bridge is Solomon construction company. 

He already has the evidence, but the court denied the case. Say the evidence is not enough. That must be her father doing.

Y/N want to burn the Solomon company to the ground. But she remembered her anger was useless. She needs a bullet to shot. 

Solomon became untouched after her father joined the family. No law can bring them down. That means she has to understand their mind and her father. 

"I will go back to that house to find the evidence."

Tony shook his head. "No, you will die if you stay there." 

"Whatever it takes to find the evidence."

Y/N went back to the prison house and became invisible. If she has to suffer, so be it to find any document related to her mother, Sophia's first husband and the collapsed bridge. 

But she got nothing. 

Then there are left 2 options—the document could be in her father's law firm office or with Maximus. 

Since then, Y/N has studied all the time to become a lawyer. 

But then her father said no. She must enter medical school at the Imperial University to become a doctor. 

"You want me to become a doctor to help your stepdaughter if she finds any difficulty at the university."

"That's right. Both of you need to help each other. Your grade is more than enough to enter the Imperial University."

"No, you want me to be her loyal dog like you with that woman. I don't owe anything to these people!!!"

"Y/N, just listen to what I said for your good."

"Fuck you!!!"

Y/N clenched her fist even though it was painful. 

She doesn't want to be a doctor. It was Sarah's dream, not hers. 

Y/N must save her place as a law student; to do that, she must meet Maximus.

Her father underestimated her. Not just him who knew how to blackmail; she also got dirt on that old man. That was the first time she learned that blackmail was useful. 

Her trick worked, and she entered law school without any problem, and there she met Brock Rumlow. A bright and friendly person. Both of them start as friends, and he is always there when she feels down. 

With one goal in her mind, Y/N was able to graduate faster than her classmates and join her father's law firm. 

At her father's law firm, Y/N didn't find anything that related to the case, but she found a clue that Maximus had it. 

But before she met Maximus, she got kicked out from the family because of the case she handled vs Imperial University, and she rejected the engagement with Brock Rumlow after she found out he's been with Sarah all this time. 

"How does it feel to lose?"

She hates it.

"You could ignore me as your father, but you can't deny my blood ran in your veins."

"It's true, but I won't be a loyal dog like you."

Brian smirked. "In this world, you need power to survive and not be underestimated. Kindness won't make me rich, Y/N."

"Is that why you left your wife? It's never enough for you!!!"

Brian sighed, he loves Evelyn, but it's not enough. He wants more. He doesn't want to live as middle class for the rest of his life. Especially with his job as a lawyer. Reputation is important in the industry. 

When he met Sophia, a stupid but ambitious woman, he admired her greed and honesty to get whatever she wanted, and she could hear it because she was a Solomon. 

His biggest regret is that Evelyn found out about his cheating. If she stayed quiet and did not ruin his reputation at his office, they wouldn't fight, and Sophia would only be his mistress. 

Brian wishes his daughter could have the same view as him, but it's difficult to tame her. 

"If you just sit still, you could enjoy the good life of being Solomon."

How? All he ever did is taken everything from her. "When you die, I'll laugh on your grave."

"If you make another problem, I will make you lose your lawyer’s license and send Lilly somewhere else, and you'll never find her."

Y/N snapped; there's no right and wrong to her anymore. She approached her father, her hand reaching his neck and strangling him. "Just once, please be a father to me."

"Uurgh." Her hands are on his neck, but why does she have difficulty breathing? 

"Y/N!!!"

That voice. Steve? She looked right and left, but where was he?

"Y/N!!! Wake up!!!"

When Y/N opened her eyes, she was confused; her eyes weren't accustomed to brightness. Her hand covered her eyes. "Steve? What are you doing in my place?"

Steve's hands hold her shoulders, "Tony called me. You don't realize you have a seizure in your sleep?"

Thank you for reading. I hope you like it.

You can tell me if you want to join the tag list. Don't be shy 😘💖💜💙

I will always be grateful for those who reblog. Thank you so much.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, - Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9,-

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[naviculariis]

Okay so. Serious post time. I'm gonna put this entire thing under a cut, but I'm also gonna post some TWs here: medical malpractice, uncertain diagnoses, family trauma / drama, grief, anxiety rambles???

But I am gonna take like. A semi-hiatus, just so I can catch up on what I owe.

I haven't talked about this over here, or on Tumblr in general. Only one person who follows me here knows about this bc we're friends on another platform.

So.

Y'all have noticed, my days don't follow a set schedule. I've been unemployed since my campus suddenly closed with very little warning back in '22. Immediately after that closing, we took a small trip to MS to be with family for Christmas, and that trip was... Bad. And on the 1st of last year, I had an accident- i was taking down Christmas lights and fell and busted open my head. I had an untreated, late diagnosed concussion thar no one really... followed up on, and have had slight memory loss even now from it.

So I couldn't work until my head healed up from that.

But that's not the medical thing. That is my mother. In October 2021, my mother went in for a routine stint placement that resulted in loss of almost total blood flow to her left leg for 36 hours. They almost had to amputate, she almost died on the table twice, she was hospitalized for a year. ( we've tried the legal route, but because the doctor never admitted fault on paper, he cannot be held liable & suing hospitals is... Difficult. Even though she has permanent damage, can no longer feel anything below the knee, and has to wear a brace to walk. ) My mother already had a weak heart to begin with due to years of smoking + cardiac disease. This was the first nail, essentially. This damaged her heart... a lot.

Back to the concussion. 4 days after my concussion, she had a massive heart attack that nearly killed her. She flatlined twice on the table. It was after this that we got confirmation that she is in congestive heart failure. My grandfather died from it. It's

... It's hard. We don't know which stage she's in because her cardiologist won't tell us, but we think she's in stage 2, or maybe 3. We don't know. But because of this, I am the one who takes care of 95% of everything around the house & outside. I do lawncare, I do the planting, I do the garden. She can do a lot, still, but when her heart gets going- it's painful. So I've been her caretaker since 2021 when the initial accident happened.

My grandmother is nearly 90 and has... Many health problems but somehow is also doing better than most folks I know. She's a mystery. And my aunt had a double knee surgery but somethings wrong with her knees, and they think the surgeries rejected, so she can't get around well or drive longer than an hour away. My grandmother no longer drives & isn't renewing her license. My mother can drive, but we don't want her to unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.

So I'm the only one who can drive them around.

I have my own medical issues [ anxiety, depression, type 1 diabetes, cracked tailbone that never got treatment & is giving me hell for that- ]

So. Basically. A lot of my time isn't my time. And when I do have free time, I do try to write and chat as much as I can. At night, after I get mom to bed, I call my partner warner and we get a few hours together and then we have to go to sleep bc we're in a ldr & their timezone is an hour ahead of mine.

... I'm rambling.

It's just. It's hard sometimes. And a lot of the time I sort of sit on my back porch and cry because I'm doing this- physically- alone. Literally everyone else is 4+ hours away across the state. Or 9 hours south on the Gulf Coast, or 7 hours south in Louisiana.

I do try to stay on top of things the best I can, I really really do, but things slip through my fingers. I'm gonna try my best to get all caught up over this coming week, I think. But if my responses are delayed for threads, for discord messages- chances are, I'm busy with one of my lil ol' ladies.

On top of all of this, I live in a town of less than 900, the nearest city is 45 minutes in any direction, and the nearest BIG city is 2+ hours in any direction. Finding a job that isn't in Healthcare is impossible. And I have nothing against those who are in healthcare- I applaud you. But all of my trauma can be tied back to hospital ERs and any time I step foot into a hospital, I immediately have anxiety & can only hear the night we learned about my dad. So I physically cannot force myself to go into that field.

Which is... a whole other thing, this is getting too long. But I've been searching for a job for the past year and a half, have had 5 interviews, each one ended with "thanks for interviewing! However,". It's hard.

So I just.

My plate is a lil bit full. But I love writing. I love the rpc. It'sa comfort and a joy and I love meeting new friends and making new connections and I want to do this as long as I can but sometimes things get a little slow. That's all.

... anyways yeah. Semi hiatus. Cool.

[itsmeanyango]

PLUTO IN AQUA TRANSIT IN THE HOUSES

This is a light post, it's not in-depth. I will be posting an in-depth post entailing Human design on my Patreon. You can subscribe in advance here!

You can also book a personal Pluto in Aquarius reading here:

You can also get a birth chart reading from me here:

Pluto means: Shock, transformation, rebirth Aquarius means: Independence, humanitarian, innovative, Stubborn.

The above are the themes I am using for this reading.

This transit(Pluto in Aquarius) is brief in 2023, but it sets the stage for what the next 20 years from January 21st 2024 hold. All the matters here are resolvable, but first they will shake foundations. 20 years is a long time to be stuck in the past. It will be from March 23rd to June 11th 2023. What you learn during that time will be very crucial as it will help you come January 21st 2024 and the proceeding two decades.

On top of all of this(below), here is a general message for every single person. If you know very well that you can never accept your child for being their own person, sit out parenting for the next Twenty years. Do not have a child, you will just hurt them and yourself. The children who will be born with Pluto in Aquarius are going to be VERY DIFFERENT and they will be very independent and once they become adults they will be very different from this current and older generations. They will be starting new patterns, they will develop their own values and have their own mind. They will not be susceptible to conditioning as such. They will advance technology and even go through hardship because of technology. They come as a generation with the shock factor, doing and accomplishing the unheard of. They will not be afraid of cutting off ANYONE who interferes with their peace.

In my post here, I mentioned that the Human Design calendar starts on January 21st.

If you want to know how to set new year's resolutions or what your new year will look like, read the free post on It's my year here

In the 1H: You may come off to others as "better than the rest", people might see your behaviour as your "true colours". They are used to you a certain way but now you are different and they can't handle it. Especially if you are in an environment that does not respect your boundaries, there will be a lot of resistance towards you when you don't let your goalpost get moved. Standing your ground is good, finally you are doing it. However, make sure this is not just pure stubbornness or out of spite. You had Pluto in your 12H for the past two decades, do not let those hard times be for nothing. It's your time to shine!

In the 2H: Your money and resources for survival are going through changes that may not be easy for you to handle. Your money might either be running out so fast or coming in in torrents and you are unable to handle this. Take a financial literacy course and practice what your have learnt. Seek financial experts BUT MAKE SURE YOU ARE FINANCIALLY LITERATE FIRST OR ELSE YOU WILL LOSE YOUR MONEY, RESOURCES AND ASSETS. Also, do what works for you. Just because everyone is doing x does not mean X will work for you. You can try x but if it does not work, be innovative because that's an Aquarian strength. Not a good time to be having surgery, especially cosmetic. Seek second opinions if your doctors recommend surgery. Leave your face ALONE!

In the 3H: Be careful with your words. It's time to practice mindfulness. You may say something that really shocks people or yourself. Do the inner work. Also be careful the lyrics you sing out because they just might manifest. The people you bring to your neighbourhood can make or break your living situation. There might be something shocking or transformative in the neighborhood. Ensure your security is up to date in your house/compound. You face eviction for being an inconsiderate neighbour such as being loud or making your living situation akin to a night club. In Kenya the credit score talks are up. Eviction affects your credit score. Debt affects your credit score and people with debt may not be able to qualify for housing approval.

In the 4H: What's your relationship with your mother like? What's your relationship as a mother like? Who was the mother in the relationship?(were you your own mother?) Separation from home or child is probable. Finding out about a long lost family member or secret, losing family heirlooms. Discovering family secrets. Paternity and maternity tests. Take care of your mental health, cognitive dissonance is in the air and so are nervous/mental breakdowns. If moving away from "family" or home helps, go for it. You deserve peace.

In the 5H: Stop, that's the message. You are now overdoing it. The party is over. Stop. Stop or I'll Stop you. This is your heart speaking, the organ that pumps blood. Stop or I'll stop. This is your loved ones also speaking. Stop or we stop. Unfortunately, many of you won't stop. Don't be part of the many.

In the 6H: Saying goodbye to pets. Feeling in your gut when something, somewhere or someone is not right. Healing traumas because they keep bubbling up. Trauma is stored in the core-stomach. It's time to seek holistic health practices. Seeking holistic health practices does not mean ignore modern day medicine! Change your diet to more friendly foods. See how your body responds to different foods. If it gives you a tummy ache,stop it. If you are 30 and over, this is ESPECIALLY important! The environment you eat your food in also affects your digestion. How do you feel eating in silent restaurants with ambient music? How do you feel eating in restaurants near the sea? How do you feel eating by a window? How do you feel eating in restaurants in sky scrappers or on the top floor of buildings? How do you feel in certain places? How do you feel around certain people? An adult coloring book with at least thirty coloring pages will help you. If you can't afford that, you can always download free to print coloring pages online and color them. Learn about different colours of food and how having certain colors in your plate helps. Heal so that nobody has to heal from you.

In the 7H: Disruption in relationships and contracts. Learning about yourself and making compromises in relationships (not just romantic, also family, platonic, friendships, workplace, business etc)that are unlike you. Ask yourself, is this sacrifice worth 20 years of my life? Look to your 1H to remember who you are. Look to the sacrifices the people who came before you(parents, grandparents,elder siblings, ancestors,older relatives, your friends etc)made, was it worth it?You learn from the past and decide what to do.

In the 8H: Your taxes! Your credit score! Debt! Anything that does not belong to you will be your source of destruction if you are not responsible while handling other people's matters. Do not chew more than you can swallow! You will choke! Your sexual partners may be Delilah. If you are a sexual offender, you are getting caught. Spiritual psychosis, believing you are separate from the rest and better (a supreme being-sins of our mother explains it best). Start working on your will and any end of life plans. It's important you do this so that your property never falls in the wrong hands. This is not because you will pass on soon, this is a personal activity that helps you see people for who they really are. As you make such preparations, you start seeing things clearly. You get to know who is for you and who is not. You don't need to let people know you are working on your will or end of life arrangements. It also gives you peace knowing you are in control of your end of life and there won't be any conflicts.

In the 9H: What shocking thing have you discovered? Will you share it or leave people in the dark? Take care of your thighs, do not stray far from the collective otherwise you will get into quicksand and nobody will know. It's good to look up from your books and see + experience what's going on around you. Do you want to travel? And why is it space that you dream of travelling to. Remember Icarus? Do not let your desire turn to greed. Running away will never fix anything. In my post It's my year, I said this:

"Trials and tribulations are part of life, they happen. But just because they are part of life does not mean you have to swim miles and miles in them. Sometimes the trials and tribulations are just a distraction from the good things. Sometimes, they are what we need to face and accept for them to get out of our way because you can't stand in the tracks of a speeding train and expect it not to hit you."

In the 10H: Your career will be your success or make you start from zero. The world is changing, times are changing. Just like the age when computers were introduced but people refused to learn how to use computers because "computers will replace them", the same thing is happening now. If you do not learn out of fear of being replaced, the people who learnt will replace you. Make hay while the sun still shines. Whatever you choose will become an unbreakable bond. This particular transit has an unbreakable seal, there's no coming back from the choice you make.

In the 11H: Show me your friends and I'll show you your future. Your network will be the ones who either stand by you or against you. This year we have heard so many cases of friends transmuting their jealousy into acts of wickedness. It gets worse, so choose your circle wisely. Your 11H is your community and you do not want to be where there are attacks from neighbouring communities. Neither do you want to be sleeping with the enemy.

In the 12H: This transit will be hard especially for young people(from age 19) and the very old. You realise that you have been living a lie. It feels like everyday is a new day on the battlefield. Going to different churches, mental health facilities to find answers and help.20 years is a long time to be disturbed. Sitting with yourself, feeling your feelings, accepting whatever is going on. Forgiving yourself. That will help you get grounded and anything that tries to shake you won't succeed. You may get tattoos, shave your hair, dye your hair. Some of you may end up in prison because you were at the wrong place at the wrong time. Others may end up in prison because they gave up and chose to become felons because to them there's no point struggling to live a good life only to keep suffering. This transit is like having a 12H profection year, but harder and for 20 years. But just like how many people successfully completed a 12H profection year (age 23), you can do it! The lessons you learnt at 11,23,34,45 will help you! For the very old people, it's the day of judgement for those who did not successfully go through the psychosocial stages that Erik Erikson proposed, they are at stage 8(Integrity vs. Despair).

You can book a consultation with me on Fiverr for $10 in which I give you a mini birth chart reading(can be solar return, profection year or just regular birth chart).

I also offer Human Design readings on Fiverr from $20 here

[krikeymate]

Top 5 moments of your life thus far.

These can be good, bad, or any variation thereof.

Please feel free to disregard if it's too personal of an ask.

Honestly, I... am so boring. Not a lot has happened in my life to be honest, for better or worse.

Top has definitely been deciding to make those Scream posts back in March, I've got to talk to and befriend so many incredible people because of that, and I've never been in a better place mentally. Even in my low moments, I've bounced back faster than ever before. It's really made a significant impact on me as a person and helped continue my growth, and I don't have the words to describe how thankful I am. This fandom experience has been my favourite so far from the past... god, 20 years. I want to give a special shoutout to Bailey and Dreamer, who have inspired me so much and I am so incredibly lucky to call them my friends, I don't remember what it's like before they started talking to me and gave me a chance. One that people really haven't before. Friends, real friends, aren't something I have much experience with.

I guess another formative experience has to be my first foray into fanfiction, I was like 9, maybe younger, it was Pokemon, it was an independent little website as was the norm back in the day, AAML 4 lyfe. God I feel old. Anyway those fics were NOT APPROPRIATE and I still think of them to this day. Would love to reread them, but doubt they're still around, and even if they are it would be impossible to find I think.

Over a decade ago now, when I was much younger, I made a couple of fandom friends, that ended badly, but I don't regret making them. They were important and formative for me too, and more importantly, one of them was the first person to ever call me Kai, instead of my full username Kaishei, although now I tend to go by Kailyr, and that... it changed my life. It felt right.

Uhm. I can drive? I passed my driving test in 2021... on like the fifth attempt or something in two years - and barely at that. The instructor literally said I was a borderline fail, but he decided to pass me because he can see that I know how to drive. And also because I said I was probably going to give up if I failed. I hate driving, it's very stressful, but necessary where I live now.

Oh, when I was like five - yes, literally 5 - I played my first real video game, back in 1999. I'd played some, some educational ones. But this was a real video game, and it was - there's a pattern you see - not age-appropriate. The game was Dungeon Keeper (Gold), and it is to this day my very favourite game of all time, the game that nothing since has matched for me.

As a bonus, here's some things I'm really looking forward to: Top Surgery, eventually (the UK trans medical system is a joke); Dreamer coming to visit me next year; when I eventually get to go visit Dreamer on their turf too; and getting to decorate my new bedroom in the house my parents have just bought, and having some real space to make it my own and exist.

[millionancientbees]

a very long list of things to be thankful for

being overly sincere is my curse but god sometimes i am just so thankful for the big and small ways people show up for me.

my friend cassidy lets me borrow their car--sometimes for weeks at a time--while they're out of town, even though I literally just hit the one year anniversary of having my license this week. it blows me away literally every time and is so incredibly kind because it means i don't have to carefully plan around my roommates to do the things i want and need to do, which always makes me feel very frustrated and trapped because i'm 29 and have never been able to just....get in the car and go without having to check with other people first. but i get to do that with their car, and it refills my tolerance and makes me feel hopeful and free. they also bought me pirate bugs to help me deal with my thrip infestation and they offered to help me replace any plants i had to get rid of, even though they were the one who gifted all of them to me in the first place and taught me how to take care of them and to trust myself to keep something alive.

my friend chris spent like six months driving 40 minutes to my house, giving me several hours of driving training, and then driving home. sometimes several times a week. they're a paramedic and have a very busy life and they still made that time for me because they knew i needed to be able to get around. and then they drove me an hour to my hometown to make me to my test because i was too nervous to test near where we live on account of having way more experience driving where i'm from. also they just?? do things?? like they went to two different places the other day to buy me a vape. and they made me a pizza and when they didn't have toppings i wanted they just...put on their shoes and went to kroger??? and got them?? i have to prepare to go to kroger for like four days and forget half of the things i wanted. i was blown away.

my friend lavender gets me a huge bag of salted cashews every time they go to whole foods because they know i'll forget to eat enough salt and protein and get dizzy if i don't have enough easy foods. they asked chris to tighten the toilet seat when i was going to be staying there for thirteen days, knowing that i don't trust most surfaces i'm sitting on and am always afraid of shifting wrong and breaking something. they took me on the first vacation i'd been on in years and specifically planned around my size and disabilities. they always want to spend time with me and are perfectly happy to just sit and listen while i talk about random shit and they think i'm a good friend and tell me all the time despite the fact that i am very hard to get ahold of and almost never respond to things.

my sister, knowing i was going to get a haircut i couldn't really afford, messaged our hairdresser and told them she was going to pay for it and didn't even tell me. she talks to me on the phone for hours at a time several times a week and texts me memes about things i like even if she doesn't know a thing about the fandom because she knows it'll make me smile. i can call her and launch into a 45 minute full detail run down of a book i'm reading and she'll just listen and crack jokes. she understands all of my references and she knows i have to get a new toothbrush every christmas or i'll cry so she always gets me one. she drives me around my own town and points out all the cool places i'd never notice on my own and then bullies me into going to them. she takes me to the art store and will spend an hour just looking at everything with me, even though we don't need art supplies and have seen everything fifty times before.

when my childhood best friend's mom found out i was having surgery she told me to call her and let her know if i wanted anything, even taco bell delivery, and she'd get it for me. sometimes i call her and she calls me her daughter (i cry every time) and she asks about my relationships and clapped when i told her i was going back to school.

my roommate asks me if i want to go with him every time he goes to the craft store because he knows i like to touch all the fabric and ogle all of the goods.

i posted a catty, passive-aggressive status the other day and when my friend found out what it was about she asked if in the future i should call her and get it out of my system or practice what i want to say to the person instead. and i was unrepentant and said sometimes i want to be mean and i meant what i said but that i was thankful that she cares about me growing as a person and living my own values and that even if i wasn't sorry this time she was right to say what she did and she said "of course, i know you'll always listen to me. I know you." she calls me while she's working on the farm and laughs with me. she once gave me a bag full of strawberry starters that were on their last legs and said "I want to see you happy" and even though the plants didn't survive I will never forget that gesture.

lake brings me food when they eat because they know i won't eat if someone doesn't remind me. they take care of my cats when i can't make it down the stairs and they watch the silly shows i want to watch just because i rarely express interest in things like that. they read my favourite book series just to be able to understand why i cared about it so much. they make me use an ice pack when i would never do so on my own and they spent two years driving me everywhere i needed to go before i got my license.

when their gramma was still alive and needed another caretaker, their mom said "I can't think of anyone I'd rather have taking care of her than Cheyenne" and she used to sit out on the porch and smoke cigarettes with me. she invited me over for the first mother's day without my mom and fed me dinner.

anderson notices when i stop responding in the group chat for more than a few days and always messages me to ask if i'm okay. they let me lead them through barnes and noble and point at all of the books i'd read and say what i liked or hated about them and watched dungeon meshi with me and cuddled me just because.

i have new friends who remind me to do my pt and care about me and send me memes and art they think i'll like. they stay up late talking about books and games with me and have helped me get two incredibly important things to manage my disabilities that i would not have been able to afford on my own.

everyone is so nice to me and i do not know what i do to deserve it. but i am very thankful and i am very known.

[aprilsadviceaskblog]

Hi April,

I hope you're doing alright, first of all. I'm hoping you can give me some advice, but I'll try to keep the triggering things vague. General forwarning of mentions of medical care/recovery and unhealthy relationship dynamics, though.

So a very good friend of mine may be needing back surgery soon, which will require a 6-8wk recovery minimum.

During that time she's going to need pretty much constant care, as well as assistance at her job, of which I'm in the same field/similarly qualified.

Recently she was telling me about this surgery, and basically said "if I end up needing it, I'm going to need you to come stay with me to help/help with [job], etc".

Now don't get me wrong, I do want to help her. But I have a LOT of reservations. Her house is VERY small, and she lives with her dad who is a diagnosed and untreated narcissist with substance abuse and anger issues. I've stayed with them before and it was mentally draining.

On top of that, "helping" with her job would be about $700+ (usd) that I would seemingly not be receiving, as she made it sound like I would be helping for free.

She also has a dog I would have to care for during that time.

The whole thing sounds like WAY too much for me to mentally or physically be able to do healthily, and the fact that she expected me to do it instead of asking makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

But to add one last factor to the pile, she has somewhat untreated (but diagnosed) BPD, so I worry about how to bring this up to her without her taking it the wrong way.

I want to help, really. But she's expecting me to give up two months of my life to live in an unhealthy environment 24/7 and do extensive unpaid labor, and I'm just not comfortable with any of that, especially when I was essentially told rather than asked.

How do I address this with her in a way that's sensitive to her situation while still making my side clear? I don't want to trigger her BPD or anything else, but I also just don't think I can do what she's expecting of me.

Thank you.

~ Anon Purple (hopefully that moniker isn't taken)

Oof. That’s a lot of from the outside, that is a big big ask. I’d never ask that of anyone, except perhaps my partner or best friend (and this is assuming my current situation which is me living with my partner and not someone else who makes me or others feel unsafe). And I’d pay my best friend for her time since she’d lose her own income and the only reason I wouldn’t pay my partner is we share finances as it is. I’d show my appreciation to him in other ways. I will also say that I love watching my best friend’s dog. Absolutely love it. She still pays me when she leaves her with me because it is still time I’ve given up since her dog requires a different routine than mine. In other words, that’s not fair of her to ask and you’re completely valid to say “no”.

I understand wanting to protect her feelings as best you can but please be prepared that no matter how careful you are that she might still spiral a bit and that’s not on you.

It might be helpful when you talk to her to talk about how you’re prepared to help.

For example “Unfortunately, I am unable to do what you’re asking of me (you can share your reasons if you want but you don’t have to - they can be helpful if you’re willing though). However, I do want to help you and am willing to —-“. If possible, some reassurance that you care about her might help.

When you’re ready for it, I’d also have a conversation with her about the expectation instead of her asking because long-term, that wouldn’t sit right with me in a friendship. There are some ways I’ve found are helpful for conversations like those. DEAR MAN is one I find really helpful. Here’s a post on it here.

I’m much more open to helping someone if they ask me directly as opposed to expecting or even hinting at it. I find it less draining to be asked and that’s totally fair that that part really rubs you wrong. It rubs me wrong too.

Just remember that while it’s your responsibility to communicate as best you can, her emotions and reactions to it are not your responsibility. I know it’s easier said than done. It sounds like you’re a wonderful friend to be so considerate of her feelings and care so much.

I wish you the best of luck, anon.

[aspd-culture]

what does "disregarding/ignoring/violating the rights of others" mean in aspd crit. can someone list some examples because i cannot think of anything except abuse, torture, s*xual abuse/assault (specifying cus theres also just physical assault/battery), etc (just cus its how i described my abuse/assault that happened to me and not cus i think all pwaspd are abusive lmao)

Well, yes I think we can all agree those would be included but sometimes it's more nuanced and less blatant than that. The thing about any of the above (plus stealing and stalking which also belong on that list I think) is the way it's done - little to no remorse, easily justifying it to yourself, etc. are a major part of this disorder so if someone were to do those things and have trouble being ok with the fact that they did it, then imo it wouldn't count as disregarding/ignoring their rights. With that in mind I think it becomes easier to the see the less obvious things.

Stuff like using a reserved parking space because "I got to it first" or "they don't need all these spaces", openly speaking about information told to you in confidence especially private things like medical information or outing someone as lgbt, intentionally making someone uncomfortable for your own amusement/ends, etc along those lines. Rights to privacy, solitude, peace, comfort, freedom of choice, etc are also included in this.

I talk a lot about Greg House as a [Spoiler alert for House MD seasons 1-early 6]

(diagnosed in canon) example of ASPD because there aren't many, and he's a particularly good example for this question.

Ways House violates others rights include putting a cochlear implant in someone who refused it because "he's choosing a disability which is messed up when there are many others who don't get to choose", manipulating information to get consent for procedures patients wouldn't have consented to otherwise, telling cashiers whoever he's talking to will buy his lunch and walking away immediately afterwards so they're pressured to do so, stealing SO MUCH of Wilson's food, walking into rooms not just even if the door is closed, but especially if the door is closed, encouraging/demanding his team break into patients' homes without consent including stealing their keys, going behind Wilson's back to question his exes about him, harassing multiple people who have made it clear they don't want to speak to him, turning a group of potential employees into numbers (cough cough 13 who stays that way forever by choice), making games out of both patients and employees' lives (he does this job exclusively for the pleasure of "solving puzzles", as he puts it, and is willing to break the law and violate ethics codes if it means solving the puzzle even if the patient ends up deceased for him to do so), disrespecting workplace safety practices in big and small ways, jumping his place in line for MRI/other machines and lab testing, setting up differentials in and refusing to leave others' offices to get things he wants/needs, and intentionally making everyone he employs and/or is employed by uncomfortable for the sole purpose of "making sure they're cut out to work for him" or making them worried about fighting with him so he can get what he wants, respectively, and oh yeah literally practicing medicine and sometimes surgery while high 25/8 and sometimes while hallucinating.

This is literally just off the top of my head there are so many more because it was a long time ago and if you think we are demonized now, just look back at the 2000's or before.

Out of context, any few of those may just make him selfish, a prick, or unconventional yet effective at his job, but combining that with both his feelings about doing those things (it is extremely rare that House feels any remorse and usually only if he crosses a line so badly that it risks his ability to continue his life as he knows it) and his other symptoms, you get ASPD. The fact that he has to actively try to remember others can have boundaries and deserve respect is what makes it ASPD, and means he isn't a prick or selfish, he's just struggling to understand what seems like an obvious concept to others around him.

The same goes with anyone else; these things are fairly insignificant by themselves but if its more a true personality trait (happens across multiple situations including to people you are close with and strangers etc) then it starts to hold weight as a symptom - sometimes moreso than the larger rights violations you mentioned above because hopefully those are few and far between while more minor things like this can be seen as a constant/daily thing.

Super good question and I appreciate you asking it. /gen A lot of people see that bit of criteria and jump straight to violent crime and just assume that's what it means and whilst it definitely can be, not everyone with ASPD is so disregarding of others' rights that they commit violent crimes.

[tiaamorosa]

Sunset Died - Keaton Family (18 Pics)

Most of the inhabitants lost their homes in the catastrophe, but some were lucky enough to find intact properties that were still suitable for living in. And so Marty was also able to find something for his family. And If it hadn't been for him, his wife and young son might no longer be alive.

Many things in the house had to be replaced. But the family was lucky and received generous support. Although Justine would have preferred to do without the help. "You like that, huh? I would have preferred to buy it for you myself, but instead it came here at the dirty hands of the Altos. Hh… and your dad? He can't work as an athlete anymore. His back has suffered a lot, and all because he wanted to protect us".

It's just like Justine said. Marty just wanted to protect his family. While the whole house collapsed on top of them, he threw himself over his wife, who was holding their baby as tightly as she could. The debris landed on his body and caused some damage, which is why he is still often in pain. And so he is no longer fit to be a top athlete. His body has also lost a lot of muscle mass recently. But things should get better again.

Little Kenny is now one and a half years old and is developing very well. Even if his diet so far only consists of vegetables and fruit porridge. "Hey, are you ready?"/ "mhmh…".

The family is not alone, they have a little roommate. The little old cat had a lucky escape. His little tail had to be removed because one of the impacts had sent him flying through the air and he landed a little unhappily, breaking the little appendage. But he is coping well with his little stump. "mrrau".

There was never anything more important to Marty than fitness. He had trained for several hours every day. He had to take long breaks because his body needed to recover. From a medical point of view, he could only be helped as much as the circumstances allowed. No major surgery could be performed. But physiotherapy… "Food is ready".

Everyone took a plate and then sat down at the table. And like every time, Justine was silent for most of the meal. "Hey, the waffles aren't that bad…"/ "You know I have no problem with your cooking, Marty"/ "yeah, I know…. it's because of everything here… Hey, we're fine"/ "we're fine as long as I keep my mouth shut…you know how it is for me as a cop? ".

"hey, honey… I know you'd like to take them all to jail at once…"/ "It's not okay what they're doing here with the others. I'm only privileged because I'm in the police force and I've been made privy to everything. And yet I don't know what this is all about… they could help everyone here.".

"They're probably following some kind of perfidious plan, I don't know"/ "For sure, and I'm sure I'll figure it out at some point. I'm already glad that I can use my laptop, even when there's no internet… I was able to back up the entire archive of the station on it."/ "Welcome to the digital age…".

"I know you just want to do your job properly. But you're really doing a lot by helping the others"/ "since the whole thing happened… There's hardly any crime anymore, but… I miss this work, you know? There would be enough reasons to put them in jail. If only I had at least some kind of contact… I know they have a radio for communication, otherwise nothing would come in from the outside".

"I'm also getting tired of depriving others of something. Look around you… Unlike others, we almost live in luxury. The stove, the shower, our clothes… I'd just like to invite someone over again and not have to hide anything."/ "Surely some of them have already noticed what's going on here…". Marty held his wife's hand. "Probably, yes. I'm glad this house was still in such good condition, we didn't have to do much."

Justine got up to clear the dishes. She had a wistful expression on her face. "I would have just… Really liked to have picked out a few things myself, paid for with our own money… Instead, we live in second-hand furniture that they imported from somewhere"/"but you have to admit, our bed…it's good"/"hnhn… Yeah, sure. The weather's bad, we're staying in today. On a Sunday of all days…"....

"Hey, Kenny, are we playing airplane?"/ "hnn, yeah…"/ "I'm so proud of our little one. Luckily he didn't get hurt"/ "he had a double Protection shield right away…I wish we had gone on this trip. But you didn't want to because he was still too little"/ "I regret it a bit too…I'm going to do some work on the PC now".

When Justine became pregnant, it was a bit of a shock at first. After all, they actually wanted to enjoy life together for a little while longer and, above all, work on their careers. But the closer they got to the due date, the more they looked forward to their first son together. If they had lost him, they would probably have lost themselves too.

Even if the Internet is not available at the moment, there is still plenty for Justine to do. Sorting through folders, looking at open cases and processing them if necessary. But the last major incident was some time ago. "VJ took a few things without asking… . Honestly? I would probably have done the same if I'd lost everything and I was really hungry.

Nothing passes you by without a trace when you're doing everything you can to keep your family safe… The bruises have long since faded, but the scars caused by the falling debris and sharp edges will probably last a lifetime. "I'll do some careful training. At least the arms and shoulders… My beautiful muscles, all gone…".

Marty is trying to get back into shape. His mind is strong, but his body is lagging behind. Although he can no longer work as a professional athlete, he can offer others a good workout. From time to time he even works as a snitch for his wife. He can be charming and friendly while also teasing information out of others.

All is well in the Keaton household for the time being. The only question is for how much longer. Justine is under pressure because she knows more than the other inhabitants. The town and national borders are cut off from the outside world. So far, no one has set out to look for survivors, except Agnes. And normally she should be back by now.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

@greenplumbboblover 😊😗

[d3l3t3d-deactivated]

I told myself i wanted to list out all of my major accomplishments this year to build some confidence in myself and drown out that little voice that always tells me i’m not good enough— It’s been a hard fucking year with a bitter end, but I have hope that after I move & recover from top surgery, my life will be better than ever. I dedicated this entire year to setting myself up for success, and I intend to reap the rewards, and continue to grow and change for the better in the new year. Without further adieu, this year I—

Performed at Full Spin (twice!!)

Headlined alongside a RPDR queen on tour (on my birthday!!)

Got to perform during halftime at a wrestling show

Performed at a sold out show at Paradise Rock Club, one of my favorite venues (on my drag birthday!)

Performed at House of Blues for another sold out show

Performed at my first brunch (and made the most money I’ve ever made in drag)

Was the special guest at the open stage I started out on

Debuted in a new city for the first time, and did my makeup ON THE TRAIN for it!

Hosted and produced my last college drag show

Survived my first pride as a drag performer

Learned some Taylor Swift & had a blast going out of my comfort zone and performing at a Speak Now show

Performed at a total of 19 different shows this year, and served cunt at every fucking one!!!

Had work accepted into a VHS-themed gallery, and got to put some of my digital drag on tape!! (i've always wanted to do that!!)

Made dozens of new friends, and grew so much closer with old ones. I’ve seriously felt so supported and surrounded by love from my friends this year.

Opened up to my mom about my gender identity and life as a drag performer, to an incredibly warm & supportive response

Got to have my brother see me perform in drag, & met his girlfriend!!

Was called “son” by both my parents for the first time

Bulked up my wardrobe with new costumes, wigs, shoes, and materials

Upped my personal style game outside of drag, (was told that “i’m giving everything I want to give, in and out of drag”)

Marie Kondo’ed my things, and got rid of anything that no longer served me

Invested in my comfort, bought a new bed, bed frame, and bedding, as well as comfortable shoes and a vanity setup

Legally changed my name, and updated my drivers license, SSC, laptop, bank, and everything else under the sun to reflect that change

Got my own insurance, & got off my dad’s plan

Became financially independent from my family

Started 2 new jobs, after months of living gig to gig

Got on food stamps, after getting denied once before

Graduated college, despite the horrible time college was for me

Helped organize a student union, & attended protests for budget transparency

Gotten so much better at standing up for myself, walked out of jobs, classes, and relationships where I was being mistreated, and advocated for myself in academic, medical, and work settings (even when it was hard and it resulted in lost opportunities, if you treat people like that I don't want what you're selling!!!)

Started therapy (twice)

Fought tooth and nail for top surgery, and am getting it in 3 days!!!

Visited Brooklyn, Portland, & Martha’s Vineyard all for the first time

Went swimming in the ocean a lot this summer B) & saw sand sculptures for the first time!!

Started taking regular baths, drinking more tea, and stretching more often

Started journaling

Have been eating better, (3 meals a day!) and taking my daily vitamins

Have developed a weekly chore schedule that works for me as an ADHD-haver

Celebrated one year on testosterone!

Finally found a skincare routine that’s starting to clear up my tboy acne

Took dance lessons with a jazz instructor

Made a bunch of cool stuff! like a cast plastic mask, a dress, styled wigs, digital collages, mixes, & prints!

backed up my computer after over 1000 days

recovered from the deep burnout school, drag, competition, and an abusive relationship left me with, and am brimming with fresh ideas to bring into the new year!!

I deserve everything I’ve worked so hard for!!! I’m hot, funny, talented, and kind. I’m a highly decorated, iconic, title holding drag performer and multi-disciplinary artist. I’m a sweet, understanding, and generous friend. I’m a romantic, just filled to the brim with love to share, and I deserve somebody who sees me as an equal, takes me out on romantic dates, and makes me feel loved and beautiful. I deserve a family who sees and accepts me for who I am, and isn’t always looking for the worst in me, or more concerned about being right than communicating honestly. I deserve the opportunity to heal from the massive amounts of abuse and trauma I faced in my life. I deserve to get to be the person I needed when I was younger. I’ve been through so much at 22, and I’m only getting started.

In 2024 I’m going to be bolder, louder, and take up more space. I’m going to be sooooo annoying in peoples DM’s, because you don’t get things you don’t ask for or work for. I’m going to move somewhere cheaper, save up, adopt a cat, and finally see the dentist. I’m going to be in my hot slut era because I’ll be newly single and recovered from top surgery. I’m going to update my resume and apply to shit I’m under-qualified for. I am going to make art like a motherfucker, and enjoy every second of it. I am going to do things that scare me, and go places I've never gone before. I am going to be so in love with myself it’s disgusting. I am going to continue spread joy and chase new experiences, because god damn it that is what I was put on this earth to do!!!

[terresdebrume]

I'm trying to decide the life I want these days, partially in preparation for KonMari-ing my space when I move back to Europe but also just because I think she makes perfect sense when she says it's easier to reach a goal when this goal is clearly defined in your mind... So.

Things i want from my life (preferably within the next five years, but I can be flexible on most of these)

A fenced in part of the garden where the cats can come and go at will when I'm at home. Depending on size, this might include the whole garden.

Transitioning (name change, HRT, top surgery)

A two bedrooms apartment/small house with a small garden. If at all possible, a window bay I can keep open in the summer.

Low effort flowerbeds, with local flora perhaps. Something that can look nice without me having to spend too much time on it.

A Roomba.

A Fuck Off big cat tree, maybe even floor to ceiling if I can get myself to diy it. Also walkways along the walls, ditto.

(tbh this will probably require me owning wherever I live, I don't see a landlord being too happy about that many changes.)

A space i can arrange and organize in ways that work for me and help me keep it mostly clean and ordered

A job in a private school where I get good pay and nice students (working on that) preferably somewhere warm (working on that too)

Maybe a child

[chronicals-of-top-surgery]

14 days post OP 6/9/22

I accidentally deleted my post while adjusting my ace wrap so that's great. Anyways, I've been getting some twinges of pain but I'm not sure if it's just the ace wrap rolling and pressing on the scars, if I'm being rough in the night, or if I'm twisting too much but I'm trying really hard to be gentle, still, and to just rest. The only problem is that I'm fucking BORED. Good GRIEF I'm bored.

I don't have a good, comfortable place to set up my laptop to draw but even if I did, I'm so used to half my day being taken up by working that I just don't know what to do with all this time on my hands. I probably wouldn't be so restless if not for the fact my sister and my mom are going crazy doing tons of stuff. My sister is moving out and because she's moving and my mom doesn't want to live in Florida (sis is moving out of state) so she's selling the house and so everything is in total disarray. My sis is taking the fuckin dining room table so we don't have anywhere to sit except the couches that are all pushed up against each other so the walls can be painted. The house is a giant mess and not the greatest to live in right now.

So they're being busy bees prepping to move and sell and do a bunch of stuff and I'm just standing over here like :| I'm healing.

It's frustrating but I've got a place to kinda set up shop to draw so that'll keep me busier, but I know I won't be able to tune in very comfortably without my own private space, but it's not like I have a desk bc nothing is furnished rn because all the furniture has either been sold or packed up to move.

Either way, on the healing front, I'm doing well. The only discomfort comes from my scars itching and the ace wrap. My scars have HELLA bruising around them which is good! It means everything is settling into place and healing well. Everything is doing ok for now, knock on wood.

My left side is way more swollen than my right and it's been freaking me out because I'm worried that like idk, to me it looks like puffy and weird and I'm paranoid that he didn't get all of the breast tissue out. I'm sure it's just swelling and bruising but that thought nags me. Idk I guess only time will tell.

Either way, I still really wanna sleep on my side and my friend who's been answering a lot of my questions and concerns because he also recently got top surgery told me he was fine laying on his side after he got his drains out but idk. I'm still worried and I'm fussing over everything to make sure I heal perfectly. Better to fuss too much and heal well than to not be concerned enough and heal badly. I'll try to sleep on my side but if it isn't comfortable or doesn't feel right, I'll just keep sucking it up and sleeping on my back.

I can't wait to get a massage and get the stiffness all worked out though

[msvorderofoperations]

Shit Life Syndrome

I am in the midst of a crisis. Well, more so than usual as my life has been one slow motion catastrophe for the last year. To sum up: I was left holding the bag by a close friend that decided that he could no longer support me. I don't wish to divulge details but I did everything in my power to accommodate him on interpersonal, financial, logistical and emotional levels. It was not enough.

In the mad rush to get ready (though I don't know exactly how/when), I contracted COVID for the second time. While still isolating and recovering, I then had to start living on my own in a partially demolished space while I tried to get my feet under me. While that happened, I underwent surgery and it went literally as badly as it could. A week after the procedure, the incision tore open and became badly infected. I was all but bedridden for the next two months. As I was beginning to feel things take a turn for the better, my dad died. He was an utter piece of shit that I do not miss, but that he made zero plans for his death meant that the entire family was in disarray for weeks.

Literally the next day, I was told in no uncertain terms that I had to leave the space I had been living, even though I had been assured that I would always have a place until I found something permanent. I suppose that was a lie. I then had to scramble to try and get *anything* going for housing, while also having to rectify that I was now almost certainly afflicted with long COVID. As this happened, understandably (I hope) I got to a very low emotional state. I have flirted with suicidal ideation a number of times in my life, but it never gets very far. This time was different, and far worse. Just as I was in the worst throes of it, I had an epiphany. I have lived through worse, and come through the other side of it. All of these things that were weighing on me I have dealt with before, just never in such close proximity. I was not going to roll over to some amateur hour horseshit as being too sad. As has been said elsewhere, if hope cannot be found, spite can be a fine substitute.

Unfortunately, what is left unsaid is that spite is not infinite.

I have now been living in a tiny storage space with no more than a mattress, my clothes and my computer with my estranged sister and her deeply dysfunctional family for 3 months. I have been paying hundreds of dollars per month for the privilege, and do not have access to the homes amenities, and am still having to buy my own groceries. The only solace that I have is that I haven't had to move back in with my mom, who is bar none the worst of my abusers. But she lives close by and is constantly making things worse.

And to top all this off, to make this work I have had to move hours away from what few other supports I have in my life. I have not seen many of my friends in years owing to the pandemic, and to see any of them now takes at least two hours of traversal, a sizable portion of which is walking. This means that if I want to do anything I have to be prepared to lose 1 or 2 days just in the recovery.

This has also put enormous strain on my relationship with my girlfriend. She has been entirely understanding about all of this and has been an absolute paragon of love and support. She has also been working her ass off to try and make things happen wherever I cannot. I know that she is going to read this and worry, but I am going to reassure her and anyone else that happens to read this that I am not going to do anything drastic. I just desperately need to get these words out.

In watching a video by one of my favourite video-essayists, he has an aside on how COVID, and the ensuing health problems afterward delayed the very project that I was watching. For nearly a year. But having the video to work towards gave some structure and an end goal he could work towards even if he felt that he might not actually have anything useful to say. That his issues mirrored my own was discomforting, but that I didn't even have anything to work towards fully unmoored me.

Yes I have had the goal of finding a place to live, but nothing about that goal is concrete. I cannot any more definitively make a place to live happen by myself than I can will myself into being healthy. It is all down to blind, simple, clueless luck. We are in the midst of a generationally unique economic crisis which is inexorably tied to an almost entirely unprecedented housing disaster. I am of very little financial means currently, and for nearly everywhere that is not good enough.

And that's the real bitch of it! I'M ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES. I'm a white, cis-male passing person who has been able to find support within the social structures for disability available to me that precious few people will ever get access to. And for all that, it counts for nearly N O T H I N G. The monthly stipend for rent payments is utterly laughable, and it was already increased last year. Before that, it was even less. For years, bordering on a decade it was the Provincial governments opinion that $375 a month should be more than adequate. That has not ever been enough in my lifetime. And yes, I understand that elsewhere in the world It would be enough! But what isn't spoken about nearly often enough is that while Vancouver is highly celebrated for a great many things, all of that comes at the cost of some of the most extortionately high cost of living anywhere in the world. But I digress.

While feeling discomfited by the feelings brought up by this video essay, I turned to some of my comfort media. I am not unique in this, but frequently dour media has helped me get through tough emotional situations. This time however, did not. I was watching Chainsaw Man, and Denji's Shit Life felt all too familiar in tone, if not necessarily in details. And then I was hit with an intrusive thought of the absolute worst kind: when looking to narratives to comfort myself I fucked up because they were just that. Narratives. Stories. That actually have to meaningfully go somewhere. The real world does not enjoy that luxury.

For weeks unto months, I have been saying to myself and other that this won't last, that things will get better. But I don't know that. How many people in my situation or worse never pull themselves out of the mire they find themselves in? How many succumb each day to the elements, malnutrition, sickness, violence or plain unfortunate accidents? We tell each other that things have to get better because we believe that there is some narrative resolution to suffering. But for so many people, that never happens. One need only look to all the senseless deaths at the hands of the genocidal maniacs that are in power right now.

I don't have a useful way to end this. I am not going to beg for donations (seriously, I have to report any and all income and I could lose my benefits permanently if they don't like what they see), and I don't have any solutions or witticisms to ponder. Hell, I can count on one hand the number of people that will actually read this. I guess...just keep an ear out if you know anybody in the Greater Vancouver Regional District is looking for a roommate.

[lefae]

Personal Update

On December 1, mom broke her ankle horribly enough to require surgery to fix it. I stayed with her through most of the hospital stay (I only came home one night because I have PTSD issues regarding that hospital and wasn't getting any sleep there because of it), and have had to spend most of my time since then at her house because she's completely non weight bearing and is incapable of much mobility at all on her own right now...

Given that I am physically disabled, with mobility issues - spinal damage and a once broken ankle that needs surgery again that I can't afford, both of which demand I severely limit the amount of time I'm on my feet or I risk losing my ability to walk completely even faster than I'm already losing it - you can just imagine the struggle that this is, given how difficult it is to simply take care of myself, much less another person. Add to that that we don't always get along when forced to be around each other for extended periods of time, and I don't get any chance to rest during my chronic illness flare-ups or to recover from them...

The rest of my family who had been helping with at least meals, running errands, and a couple overnight stays a week all have COVID right now as of December 24. Thankfully, there wasn't any family gathering, so neither mom nor I got sick, but that also means all of what minimal help and breaks I got have disappeared, to where it was a while production when I needed to get my aunt from the sperm donor's side of my family to give me a ride to the store to get a few things I needed for myself because no one else picked them up for me like they were supposed to.

I am bloody exhausted, in severe pain, dealing with severe depression on top of it all, because in all this, one thing has been made abundantly clear: it doesn't matter how fucking disabled I am, my family honestly doesn't give a shit and it's actively exploiting the fact that I'm unable to work (even if I found a job I could handle, it wouldn't be available here locally, the internet sucks to much to be able to do it remotely (plus they wouldn't leave me alone to do it regardless), and any commute would be insane even if it was in the immediate area since it's a 30 minute drive to the nearest fucking grocery store as it is, etc) to have me essentially work literally 24/7 with no compensation, I'm not even able to sleep in my own fucking bed, I don't have access to my computer at all most days, I have to work regardless of flare-ups or migraines or pain levels, and I've actively noticed a severe decrease in my own mobility trying to do this because no one else will, and the hospital sent her home instead of putting her in rehab like we were told they would because no one here was able to handle doing this but apparently that didn't matter and no one would listen to me when I tried to kick up a fuss despite my being the one who has had to do the vast majority of the work since, all while completely neglecting my own living space because I haven't even had time to go home and take out the fucking trash or clean out the fridge because apparently no one cares if I get sicker or permanently injured in all of this.

And the real kicker is when everyone else is being all "woe is me" because they miss my uncle who passed away in September, and expecting me to comfort them when I'm well past my breaking point to where I simply want to run away and never look back because I can't keep this up, I'm so tired and I'm so much pain and I'm scared that by the time this is over, I'm going to be unable to even stand on my own two feet anymore and it will be entirely their fault at that point and they'll just leave me to fend for myself like they've always done, yet expect me to push myself to the point of sickness and injury for them even when I say I'm not able to do it because they'll threaten me with taking away the financial support I'm dependent on them for.

So yeah... Don't expect a lot of activity from me right now, since I have a lot of trouble trying to type on touchscreens and I'm largely stuck on mobile for the foreseeable future. And if you can spare a few dollars so I can try to just order some things for myself to have it delivered rather than struggling and fighting with family to get any bloody help around here, I would deeply appreciate it (links to buymeacoffee & Amazon wishlists are in my pinned post, or it's possible to tip through this blog).