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dujour13 · 11 months

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Owlcatober 6. Family

Kenabres, 19 Arodus 4715

Dear Mom & Dad, Zarin, Fati & Layla,

While I’m afraid this missive bears bad tidings, know first that I’m safe among the brave defenders of Kenabres and in the hands of able healers. I won’t pretend to be well & happy; mostly it’s my morale that has suffered a blow, as you’ll soon understand.

This will surely be the first news that reaches you of Mendev’s recent misfortunes. You know already it has weathered constant siege by the forces of the Abyss for over a century, but sadly the arrival of our delegation coincided with a rare, concerted assault by rather more high-ranking demons than usual.

Of what befell us I’ll spare you the details, as much because I recall little myself: on the road outside Kenabres our delegation was attacked by marauding demons and none survived but myself.

By this same post I’ve written to the families of my friends and colleagues. At the very moment you read this they should be receiving the terrible blow I have had the misfortune to deliver. I don’t need to tell you how heavy a burden this duty has been. The pain of my wound is no rival for that in my heart. On the reverse I’ve listed their names and addresses; most are in Almas and perhaps would appreciate a visit, but especially Romi, who will be devastated and need help sorting her and Gilford’s affairs. Please give her all my love.

I don’t understand why I of all of them was spared, gravely wounded but left alive to be collected by passing samaritans, who kindly carried me into the city for healing. The folk here have, for the most part at least, been most obliging and helpful. (One passing gentleman suggested I be tossed in a ditch, and the Inquisitors here are excessively and insistently paranoid. However the silver dragon protector of the city, Terendelev herself, came to my aid right there in the city square as I was brought in, and the kind prior of the temple of Desna has been to see me since.) (Yes, you may tell Kyrash I met an actual dragon.)

My wound is coming along; please don’t fret. Besides grief, what I’m mostly feeling now is overwhelming shame, as if had I any decency whatsoever I should have perished alongside them, yet irrational as the thought seems I can’t shake it off. By now many times over I should have died and somehow Pharasma has turned her face from me at the last moment on each occasion.

Not to worry you! I believe the worst has passed and the city defenders, the ranks of which I’ve joined, have things well in hand. When our forces are gathered we will make one final foray to rescue the Wardstone and its protective aura will make Kenabres safe once again, and all will be well.

Though I won’t set out for home quite so soon. I wrote to the Council and plan to stay on in Mendev while awaiting the appointment of a new ambassador. There may still be a few tasks I can carry out to mitigate the total disaster of this mission.

In the meantime, I’ve taken up with a handful of brave souls among the city defenders and we’ve formed ourselves a merry little band of misfits, striking out into the city to rescue all the orphans & cats & stray Desnans we happen across. They are truly my only ray of sunshine in this miserable place. Let me tell you a little about them.

First, because she was first to leap to my aid when I was brought bleeding through the gates of Kenabres: Seelah, a fearless paladin of Iomedae from Solku, a bulwark against the pointed bits of demons and already a fast friend. I know what you’re thinking: thank all the good gods he has a paladin around to keep him from doing something crazy. Well, have I got news for you.

Next: have you heard legends of savage, mutant cave-dwellers beneath Mendev, light-fearing descendants of cursed crusaders? So they’re real. One of them has taken up with us—half-half-elf, half-a number of other things, and entirely an impressive hunter. This is the guy who tries to keep me from doing something crazy, but all he does is sigh and crack dark jokes so that’s not likely to stop me. I’m already fond of him. He still needs to come up into the sunlight if you see what I mean, but I’m confident we’ll get him there.

I also have some hope for Camellia, a kindred half-elf we took up with in the caves. I thought at first she and I might connect, but it seems she’s a typical highborn snob with too delicate a nose for the likes of us plebian Andorens, half-elvenness notwithstanding. Still she’s a fine fighter and does seem keen to slay demons at least. One thing that intrigues me: she’s in touch with the restless spirits of old Sarkoris, and I think that could play to our advantage.

In the streets of Kenabres we also stumbled across an encyclopedist, and for some reason she decided we were smart enough to merit her company, or perhaps peculiar enough to merit her curiosity at least. Mom, you’d love Nenio: she knows all the most useless trivia, and a few useful spells as well. She’s an accident waiting to happen but she’s hilarious. (Dad's thinking "not unlike someone else we know" right now, I can hear you.) Just need to keep her pointed at the enemy.

This one I think you’ll enjoy. Yesterday we were summoned in extremis to rescue a certified degenerate aristocrat—a Count from the bluest of Mendevian blood—because, I’m not kidding, he was partying so hard he didn’t notice the demon invasion. He’s just as bad as you’re thinking and a lot worse. On the other hand he’s an aasimar with some talent for divine healing and he really does seem to detest demons, so we’re keeping him on hand for now. I have to admit, he’s democratic about dishing it out. (And actually kind of funny sometimes but if the occasion arises don’t ever, ever let him know I said that.)

I should also mention the elf orphan, Ember. By my best estimate she’s three times my age but a child by elf standards of course, and has suffered so cruelly at the hands of the Inquisitors I’m afraid her mind has come a little loose. But if it’s flapping in the wind, the wind is blowing the right direction. Her apparently boundless forgiveness may at first seem symptomatic, but I see in it the inspiration of genius. And I suspect I’m not the only one. She is blessed with divine protection and while mindless of her own scars is keen to heal those of others.

I’m not sure why I saved the tiefling, Woljif, for last. Perhaps because I have more to say, and more yet to puzzle out on his account. He is the face of what Mendev has become: part human, part demon, and those parts at constant war. (I can hear you Zarin: “But is that not true of all of us?” - Fair enough.) I had to pull some strings to get him out of jail. He’s proved to be very handy to have around since then but I keep catching him looking antsy as if he’s going to ditch us at the first chance. I don’t think crusading is exactly what he had planned in life, and I don’t blame him. You would be shocked at how they treat tieflings here. There's a whole lexicon of terms for them.

Indeed he seems to have taken the abuse to heart. All his life he’s been told he’s demonic vermin, and he seems determined to live up to it. Not that he’s actually a bad person—no, I’m hesitating as I write this because that’s what I’m still puzzling out. He is a bad person, and though he’ll have you believe it’s Society that made him this way it is also out of a heart made black by greed and spite. But if my first instinct was to tell you he’s not a bad person, it’s because there’s something underneath the cunning, something he thinks he’s hiding but that’s obvious to me—a heart that's fighting back against the blackness. He has the hopeful look you get from a stray cat before it bites you. Like if he’s just given a chance, and a little food, maybe he’ll let his guard down. Ok, I know what you’re thinking—yes, I have a project. I just hope he sticks around long enough.

There’s a good deal more to tell, but I should rest while the ta fortress we’ve taken refuge in is relatively quiet. By the time this letter reaches you I’m certain peace will have been restored, indeed because this letter will not have reached you if not—so take heart that if you’re reading it, we’re already celebrating our victory!

All my love & hugs to you and the jerboas. With luck I’ll be home to play our Crystalhue duet, Dad, and yes I have been practicing.

Sia 🦋

#pathfinder: wrath of the righteous #wotr commander #siavash #my writing #owlcatober 2023 #pwotr pals

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brian-in-finance · 2 years

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Jude Hill in Mandrake. Picture credit: Mary Woods

Young Belfast star Jude Hill is back in new horror movie, Mandrake

Jude Hill, who recently won acclaim for playing Buddy in Kenneth Branagh's film Belfast, is set to make his return to the screen in new horror movie, Mandrake, which was shot in Northern Ireland.

Mandrake is the debut feature by Lisburn director Lynne Davison and will air on streaming channel Shudder, which specialises in horror, thrillers and supernatural, on 10 November.

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Mandrake also stars Deidre Mullins (The Dark Mile and Man Down), Derbhle Crotty (Notes on a Scandal), and Paul Kennedy (House of The Dragon) and the cast say that 12-year-old Jude, who is from the village of Gilford in Co Down, regaled the filmmaking team with stories from his time on Belfast.

Derbhle Crotty in Mandrake

The new film was well received at the Glasgow Film Festival earlier this year and follows probation officer Cathy Madden, who is given the task of rehabilitating notorious killer 'Bloody' Mary Laidlaw back into society after twenty years in jail.

Cathy has always believed that every client deserves a shot at redemption, but her beliefs are firmly tested when two children disappear near Mary's farm.

Mandrake will be available to view on Shudder on November 10

Jude won the Critics' Choice Award for Best Young Performer for this role in Belfast, after landing the part out of 300 young actors who auditioned.

He also played the titular role in the World War II-set short film Rian, which premiered at the 2021 CineMagic, and is signed with United Talent Agency in the US.

Earlier this year, Jude made his television debut in Magpie Murders, a BritBox and PBS Masterpiece adaptation of the 2016 mystery novel of the same by Anthony Horowitz.

RTÉ

Remember… (about Jude Hill) he’s such a wonderful actor. He’s a wonderful little boy, but he’s an amazing actor. He takes everything you say so to heart, and he gives you everything that he possibly can. We bonded quite heavily on Greek myths and legends so any time I see him we always stop and talk about Poseidon for a bit. — Lynne Davison, Mandrake’s director in The Wee Review

#Tait rhymes with hat #Good times #Mandrake #Shudder #10 November 2022 #The horror! 😱#RTÉ #12 October 2022 #Youtube

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rushkitchen · 2 years

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Rush Duel 2023.01 Meta Report

Writeup by yugiohrush_g Translated by aura

[ Things inside brackets are the translator’s comments/additions. ]

[KP12 Week 2]

Week of Jan 28 to Feb 3rd 2023 Sample size: 96 decks

- [Does not include Korean lists.] - Includes topping decks whose lists weren't published. - Yu-Gi-Oh! Day results are excluded.

Detailed breakdown below.

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Excutie lost about 14% from last week, probably due to KP12 strengthening a lot of other decks like Skysavior, Dragon, Galaxy, Warrior, etc.

The reason this took until the second week may have been due to a delay in labbing while people figured out deck builds.

No.1 Deck: Excuties (36.5% / ⬇ 14.6% from last week)

Despite a significant drop since last week, it still has an impressive 20% lead over the number two deck, Skysaviors.

There aren't any decks that pose a bad matchup to Excutie in this format. The newly introduced Excutie Flame can deal with Skysaviors while Lumiere and Leir still counter Dragons pretty hard.

It will continue to be the #1 deck in this format.

No.2 Deck: Skysavior (14.6% / ⬆ 10.5% from last week)

This is the deck that shot up and had the most increase since last week.

"Drukmoor the Skysavior Phantom" and "Altierra the Skysavior Transience" are very heavy control pieces that are hard to out when they hit the field, and though Excutie Flame can get over them, Skysaviors can very easily recycle or excavate another Fusion to make it again.

Week 2 Skysavior lists compared Week 1's had a lot more emphasis on maintaining the game state rather than continuously drawing. [With Skysavior's ability to excavate through your deck, they do not need as many draws as other Fusion decks would, allowing you to run more staple cards.]

No.3 Deck: Dragons (12.5% / ⬆ 0.3% from last week)

A continuation of last week, Dragons didn't move at all. Many topping decklists were pure Dragons combined with Parallel Birth Gate and Dragonic Pressure that didn't make use of Fusion.

No. 5 Deck: Warriors (5.2% / ⬆ 3.2% from last week)

A lot of Warrior cards introduced in KP12 have made Warriors more powerful. These Warrior builds are different from Skysavior as they don't run Fusion, but instead rely on Legends such as "Gilford the Rising" and ATK gain effects to go full aggro and inflict heavy damage.

With this deck, it's possible to OTK, so you don't need to worry about Excuties at all.

No. 11 Deck: Cylinder Burn 🆕 (1.0% / ⬆ 1.0% from last week)

This deck is very interesting! It relies on stalling by setting a high DEF Normal monster like Millennium Shield with the effect of Wondering Warrior.

Dark Lurker, Cannon Soldier, Man-Thro' Tro, and Executie Up! all facilitate more burn damage, with Magic Cylinder to top it all off.

Conclusion

Next week, Area No.1 [Regionals] tournaments will begin. Please look forward to it!

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[Thanks for reading! These are posted weekly on this blog in order to make a publicly-available Rush Duel resource.

For further discussion and earlier releases, please join our Discord server!]

#yugioh #yugioh rush duel #rush duel #meta report #jan 2023 #kp12

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andymattergames · 1 year

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Warning: Midnight Mass spoilers

Let’s talk about Riley Flynn from Midnight Mass! Huge credits to Zach Gilford for his nuanced and layered performance of this character.

We meet Riley as a young man at the scene of the car accident that changed his life. Riley is bleary-eyed and doesn’t seem to understand exactly what’s happened, but he can see the person he hit lying in the street. This image burns itself into his mind, and it’s the thing he sees the most when he goes to sleep at night, the victim that lost her life because of his bad actions. She is the specter of his guilt. The guilt is his constant companion, as it should be. Riley isn’t a great guy, even after the massively humbling experience of going to prison for vehicular manslaughter Riley is still kind of a self-righteous prick who thinks he has it all figured out. After prison he has nothing to his name and so defeated by the world (aka the consequences of his own actions) he returns to the place he only ever wanted to leave.

Riley isn’t irredeemable though, he’s not a narcissist but he’s definitely not as open to differing ideas as he’d like everyone to think, but he’s also kind, and inquisitive, and a seeker of truth. Riley wants to know for sure before he decides anything and as paralyzing as that is, his lived experience makes it necessary. Losing control of his faculties gets others hurt so Riley tries to be as sober as he can in all aspects of his life, clear headed and sure of what’s real before stepping out into the abyss. I like Riley, but I also don’t, I think that his inability to take something at face value gives him a sanctimonious air that puts people off. Still though, this deep pondering nature that he’s developed saves a great many people in the end. It’s because he’s not a believer that he arrived at his ultimate fate.

Riley arrives home and is greeted by the only person who knows he’s coming, cares to be there, and isn’t otherwise busy; his mother. She embraces her son, and seems determined to put his past in the past to encourage him to build his life on the island. Riley loves his mother, he’s happy to see someone who is happy to see him but he’s ashamed as well because after the accident and being in prison he knows that his relationships will never be the same, and that no one can really understand him right now. He’s not ascended, but he’s not the same young man who left the island either, and he’s been isolated from this community for a long time. As he walks through the streets back to his childhood home, his mother prattling on about who’s gone, who’s come back, and other goings-on of the island Riley is half listening and half looking around to gage the reaction to his presence, finding a mix but mostly consisting of knowing looks, confusion, and maybe even fear. He’s been legend for a while, and now he’s present in the flesh, a murderer and a drunk, and not even the first of his kind on the island.

Big spoilers:

I wanted to talk a bunch more but this post is too long and photos can only do so much. The last thing I want to talk about is Riley’s death. Riley arrives at a point where he’s the first living victim besides the Monsignor, charged as the first disciple and released into the world to take in the changes that have been thrust upon him. With this time he doesn’t sleep, he doesn’t attack anyone, we’re shown the world through his eyes and how wondrous it has become. He’s fed already on blood given by a volunteer so he isn’t a risk to the townsfolk, but he has much to consider, and eventually arrives to the person he trusts most in the world. His best friend and love interest Claire. He knows that Claire will humor him, and even though she’s just been through the loss of her unborn child he can’t think of anyone else to carry the burden of this secret. He knows that he’s become victim to a monster, he sees the angel for what it really is and the Monsignor’s plan for what it is; monstrous. Riley has been having recurring dreams that end with a sunrise, and he only recently saw Claire in that dream too. It’s part of what leads him to Claire’s door, but I think that he knew he was about to die. He knew that the only way to convince someone of a bizarre reality is to show it to them. He doesn’t want to hurt Claire but he knows this is the only way to fix things, to make something good of the rapacious actions that robbed him of his life and humanity. Riley didn’t deserve this, and he did the best he could with the shit hand he was dealt. And so it is that Riley and Claire are out on a boat, waiting for the sunrise, and the audience is left waiting to see if Riley has trapped Claire with ill intent or to say goodbye. So it is that Riley exits the show, his death from his perspective is as simple as walking away from the boat, while Claire is left to watch her best friend burst into flames and crumble into dust, revealing a world and a truth that she would never have imagined was possible.

#midnight mass #horror #Netflix #spooky #midnight Mass spoilers

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emeryya · 2 years

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And the ick just keeps on comin'.

Spoilers for 16x9:

Are Penelope & Tyler Green supposed to be this epic love story now? Like, does she actually love him? Was the point of the flashback to her 'clunky' (?) dinner with a clearly-nervous-and-obviously-not-uninterested-Luke with the 'I hope we find our people' schtick to narratively frame a victim's brother as her (barf) soulmate?

AND THAT TOO. Emily & Luke are all over the 'material witness' angle but no one has gone into the unethical grossness that is an agent-slash-grief-counselor being involved with a victim's brother. Luke's freakout was great (on his end) and terrible (on hers). She's desperately trying to make him her Friend and Nothing More™️ and he's upset for HER sake, as well as the entire team's. I love you, Luke. You deserve better.

I did laugh at I was expecting David Rossi, the legend. But what I got was David Rossi, the AARP member.

I think I mentioned this way back in November, but Zach Gilford looks eerily similar to a guy I have my eye on, and his similar sense of humor is also throwing me. Fingers crossed I'm not about to be brutally murdered 🙃🙃

I'll (grudgingly) watch the finale next week, but mostly for the slim hope that Morgan's about to breeze in and knock some sense into Penelope 'I-Took-the-Nickname-Baby-Girl-Way-Too-Literally' Garcia. Because at this point somebody has to, and it's clear the team is largely going to overlook the whole thing the second she cries in front of them like a fortysomething toddler. Too bad, because I honestly want her to be fired from the BAU and have the others (particularly JJ) genuinely angry at her for a while.

Anyway, what will ACTUALLY happen is nothing. Voit's gon' die, and the issue of Tyler Green being a material witness will disappear, so they'll all be magically cool about it.

Also, I still think Will's gon' die.

Dunno about s17 yet. On the one hand, I don't think I can successfully hatewatch a show I once loved. On the other...well, I assume there's a word for people who slow down to watch the aftermath of car crashes or stand around to see a fire burn a building to the ground. Or watch Riverdale.

#em contributes #criminal minds #criminal minds: evolution #spoilers #holy run-on sentences batman!

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trident-dragion · 2 years

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The funny thing about early structure decks to me is the central boss monster, the one depicted on the box, was almost NEVER worth playing. Like, Red-Eyes Darkness Dragon, Vampire Genesis, Infernal Flame Emperor, Ocean Dragon Lord - Neo-Daedalus, Gilford the Legend, and Dark Eradicator Warlock were all just worse than focusing on the secondary stuff and lower level monsters that actually made the deck work. Sure, some of them might be good if you can summon them, Neo-Daedalus is probably the most viable of these, but the effort and resources required are just... not worth it? Like compared to today where the cover card of a structure deck is usually incredibly strong, it's wild thinking about how back in the day the REAL build-around card of a structure deck was something like Armed Dragon LV5 or Raging Flame Sprite

#yu-gi-oh!#red-eyes darkness dragon #vampire genesis #infernal flame emperor #ocean dragon lord - neo daedalus #gilford the legend #dark eradicator warlock #armed dragon lv5 #raging flame sprite #i remember loving red-eyes darkness dragon as a kid #shame that it's just a red-eyes black dragon but with decent attack points #but you still need to invest in the original red-eyes first #i know i played it in my over the nexus red-eyes deck but that was mainly as a followup for inferno fire blast #like it feels good to drop that after using a spell that would make red-eyes unable to attack #but compared to the others i'd say red-eyes darkness dragon might be one of the better cards of the six examples #at least red-eyes black dragon isn't hard to access

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twixnmix · 7 years

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Janet Jackson on the ABC sitcom “A New Kind Of Family” (1979)

The show stars Eileen Brennan as Kit Flanagan, a widowed mother of three who shares a home with a divorced woman, Abby Stone (Gwynne Gilford), and her daughter Jill in an effort to save money. Halfway during the series' first season, it was pulled from the schedule and re-tooled in an effort to boost ratings. The characters of Abby and Jill Stone were written out and new characters, Jess ( Telma Hopkins) and Jojo Ashton (Janet Jackson), were added to the series. Despite the cast change, the show was cancelled in January 1980 after only 10 episodes.

#Janet Jackson #A New Kind Of Family #Eileen Brennan #Gwynne Gilford #Telma Hopkins #1979 #Actress #TV show #icon #legend #vintage #retro #1970s #1970s fashion #pop culture #1980 #sitcom

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lokiondisneyplus · 3 years

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Nominations Announced for the 2nd Annual Critics Choice Super Awards

(Los Angeles, CA – February 22, 2022) – The Critics Choice Association (CCA) announced today the nominees for the 2nd Annual Critics Choice Super Awards, honoring the most popular, fan-obsessed genres across both television and movies, including Superhero, Science Fiction/Fantasy, Horror, and Action. Winners will be revealed on Thursday, March 17.

“Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings” and “Spider-Man: No Way Home” lead this year’s film nominations, with five nods apiece including Best Superhero Movie. Both Tony Leung and Simu Liu garnered Best Actor in a Superhero Movie nods for their performances in “Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings,” while Michelle Yeoh is up for Best Actress in a Superhero Movie, and Tony Leung could also take home the award for Best Villain in a Movie. The cast of “Spider-Man: No Way Home” also earned top acting nods, with both Tom Holland and Andrew Garfield recognized with Best Actor in a Superhero Movie nominations. Additionally, Zendaya is up for Best Actress in a Superhero Movie, and Willem Dafoe could take home the trophy for Best Villain in a Movie.

“Evil” and “Midnight Mass” tied for the most television nominations, with each earning six nods including Best Horror Series. Mike Colter and Aasif Mandvi from “Evil” garnered nominations for Best Actor in a Horror Series, while Katja Herbers and Christine Lahti are vying for Best Actress in a Horror Series, and Michael Emerson earned a nod for Best Villain in a Series. Meanwhile, “Midnight Mass” also has two actors, Zach Gilford and Hamish Linklater, competing in the category of Best Actor in a Horror Series. Both Kate Siegel and Samantha Sloyan are up for Best Actress in a Horror Series, and Sloyan was also nominated for Best Villain in a Series.

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aion-rsa · 3 years

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Midnight Mass Is Creative, Bold, and Flawed Horror

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

This review contains huge spoilers for Midnight Mass. Don’t you dare even think of reading one word before you watch.

Mike Flanagan, the maestro of horror responsible for Netflix’s The Haunting of Hill House, The Haunting of Bly Manor, and this spooky season’s entry, Midnight Mass, has always taken a novelistic approach to storytelling.

The man knows his way around a jump-scare, sure, but he excels in crafting deep, rewarding themes, richly drawn characters, and ornate dialogue. It’s what has drawn him toward adapting novels from horror legends like Shirley Jackson, Henry James, and Stephen King. And it’s perhaps what’s even given him the courage to take on a task as bold as the follow-up to The Shining in Doctor Sleep. Flanagan isn’t afraid of weight; he trafficks in it like a young Jay-Z.

Midnight Mass is his latest weighty endeavor, but unlike its predecessors, it nearly buckles under the heft of its ambitions. Midnight Mass is a story about faith, death, remorse, forgiveness, and human existence itself. It grapples with the biggest of questions, the most unsolvable of mysteries. It ruminates on these topics with the grace of a passionate scholar and the repetitive, faux profundity of a dorm room stoner alike. There are long stretches of the series, particularly in early episodes, where you’ll forget that you’re watching a horror series altogether. It is both a feature and a bug. It will either keep you glued to your TV or turn you off completely.

Midnight Mass takes place on the fictional Crockett Island, a thinly populated, vaguely New England community impacted by an oil spill that decimated its once profitable fishing industry. Most of the townsfolk are Catholic and awaiting the return of their elderly priest, Monsignor Pruitt, who traveled abroad on a missionary trip to see the Holy Land. While they wait, Riley Flynn (Zack Gilford) returns via ferry after a four-year prison stint he served for murdering a young girl in a drunk driving accident.

Also newly arriving in the “Crock Pot “ is Father Paul (Hamish Linklater), a mysterious young priest who arrives to temporarily shepherd St. Patrick’s church in Monsignor Pruitt’s absence. As Riley reacquaints himself with his family and the town he left behind, while simultaneously trying to overcome his feelings of guilt, lack of direction, and loss of faith, he reconnects with Erin Greene (Kate Siegel), another former resident recently returned to Crockett after the dissolution of an abusive relationship.

Like Flanagan’s previous Netflix series, the supernatural terror on display almost comes second to the real-life horrors showcased in Midnight Mass. Every night when Riley goes to sleep, he sees the blood-coated face of his young victim lying on the pavement. The town drunk is continually forced to confront the young girl that he paralyzed in a hunting accident. Erin wakes one day to find the child she is pregnant with missing from her womb. A father is forced to confront the resentment he feels for his wayward son. A daughter watches her mother’s mind deteriorate. These stories are human and can be painfully relatable and Flanagan mines them for his most emotional and scarring material. While more traditional monsters and gore earn scares in later installments, Flanagan keeps the audience uneasy early on with everyday horror stories that can keep you awake at night in a way that vampires never could.

Ah yes, the vampire. Or should we call him the “Angel?” Midnight Mass’s big reveal is that Father Paul is really a de-aged Monsignor Pruitt who encountered a vampiric creature while on his pilgrimage. He is given eternal life, but cursed with a hunger for blood and the inability to withstand sunlight. Pruitt brings the Angel back with him to Crockett, mostly because he wants a second chance with the dying woman that he fathered a child with many years ago. If he can give divinity to the entirety of Crockett in the process, then that’s a plus.

It’s a fantastic concept — a holy man that interprets vampirism as divine intervention, playing upon the more horrific elements of the bible and really digging into the “drink my blood, eat my flesh” aspect of Jesus’ last supper — but it is slow to reach its chaotic conclusion. By episode four it’s clear to the audience that Pruitt is using his blood to heal folks like Leeza (Annarah Cymone), but you’re forced to watch as the characters catch-up.

Midnight Mass is thankfully only seven episodes, but really feels like it could have hit its main story beats in four. That’s in part due to the mountain of monologues delivered by every character. They’re mostly beautifully written and well-acted, but when they come one after the other after the other, they begin to have a numbing quality. That’s why Riley’s portion of the story works so well. Riley spends his time confronting his faith and guilty conscience in one-on-one AA meetings with Father Paul, some of Midnight Mass’s most arresting scenes.

Midnight Mass is bursting with ideas that get in the way of telling a simple creature feature, some of them more intriguing than others. Sheriff Hassan (Rahul Kohli) grapples with being what appears to be the only non-Christian on the island as his Muslim son warms to the idea of exploring Christianity. It’s a plotline that could sustain its own series and ultimately ends in a moving way. That said, the story between Joe and Leeza never actually pays off in a way that warrants Leeza’s showstopping speech about forgiveness. Also, the last-minute reveal that Pruitt fathered Sarah (Annabeth Gish) feels too tacked on amidst a busy finale to land properly.

However, none of this is the fault of the actors. The performances here are uniformly excellent and the earnest delivery of the material helps ward off accusations of purple prose. Linklater and Samantha Sloyan, who plays pious villain Bev Keane, could have easily gone off the rails with cartoonish depictions, but they keep things grounded and realistic.

Sloyan in particular deserves recognition for creating such a contemptible character that never goes too over-the-top, instead feeling like an accurate representation of the judgmental crone of your parish. These performances are all accented wonderfully by Flanagan’s liberal use of captivating tracking shots and a score comprised of religious hymns that can flip from life-affirming to creepy on a dime.

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Midnight Mass can be long in the tooth, overly ambitious with its theological and existential musings, and not particularly frightening at times. Still, it makes up for it with memorable characters, ace performances, and scripts dripping with heart and compassion. While it’s base concept could have more than sustained a limited series, Flanagan packs this thing with so much to chew on, for better or worse. Qualms aside, you cannot help but be bowled over by the ambition and technical craft on display. Though it certainly features too much speechifying, this is Flanagan’s most thought-provoking material yet and a welcome addition to his expanding horror tome.

Midnight Mass is available to stream on Netflix now.

The post Midnight Mass Is Creative, Bold, and Flawed Horror appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3o2CdSD

#aion-rsa #Den of Geek

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kaiowut99 · 4 years

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Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters GX Episode 54 Subbed (Finalized)

Thunder VS Mr. Elite! Mecha Ojama King Takes Off

Manjoume duels Gokaido, an elite new student who claimed the highest grades of his class at the Academia’s middle school. The new student calls Manjoume a “slacker,” noting how he once sat at the top of the middle school but has since fallen, now using Ojama Monsters in the Red dorm. Manjoume uses his XYZ combo for a cool preemptive strike, but finds himself counterattacked by his Warrior-Type deck and his Gilford the Legend. However, an unperturbed Manjoume, in a show of what he’s learned the past year, uses his Mecha Ojama King...

Two episodes into Season 2, and we have a duel with Manjoume essentially looking at his early-Season 1 self in the mirror! It’s a pretty neat episode, given that--even if there are strong ad vibes for the Warrior Structure Deck that had been about to be released back in 2006, lol. Though it was neat seeing Ben Kei and the Equip Magic combo in use with Gokaido (that scene as he brings out Gilford is a favorite since it uses “The Rival’s Onslaught” really well), as was Manjoume’s interesting Ojama combo evolution with the Mecha... mechanic, which sadly has yet to be released. Maybe Duel Links’ll throw us a Mecha Ojama King bone at some point...

So, I’d actually finished editing the script for this episode maybe two weeks ago, but part of the delay in releasing it is that I also wanted to translate the Gokaido/Manjoume poster in Chronos’s flashback--and on that note, I really can’t thank @paradoxi-kay (formerly thepalebride) enough for their time and effort over a few days in wiping the text so that I could slap my translation onto it. 🙏🏽 I’ll elaborate a bit more on that below the cut, as I go into the edits. There were also two card fixes I applied, Ben Kei related, and I also translated the “Currently Under Construction” sign Manjoume stands in front of at the end. More details below. (EDIT, 2021: One new fix applied that I missed before, listed in bold under the cut below!)

Enjoy, folks! To make up for a little lost time, I think I’ll actually jump onto 55 next and get that out of the way before I go handle 5D’s Dub-Uncut #27 a little more (I’m also trying to see what can be done on that front with the two unreleased OST pieces that I’d like to keep, but we’ll see); keep an eye out~

Fixes/Edits!

So, these first five will be related to the aforementioned poster in Chronos’s flashback. Edits 1-3 and 5 were done once the poster as stitched from the video in edit 4 was translated. I’ve included a link to a quick clip showing off these edits in the Episode Post linked above.

As Chronos is playing his “fortune-telling of love” with Ed while he tells us how the Gokaido/Manjoume duel came about, the Gokaido/Manjoume poster is sitting on Samejima’s his desk. After the full poster was translated, I first used the CC Power Pin effect in AfterEffects to “pin” the translated poster on top of the original one and applying its perspective; once that was saved, I threw it into Sony Vegas, where I first duplicated the layer with the re-postered clip, applied a Radial Blur to the bottom layer while applying a feathered mask on the top one to just keep the middle of the frame (this had the effect of keeping the unblurred center above the blurred edges). I then added a layer and threw in the original video, masking most of the frame so that the blur from the original video overrode the excess blur from my effect. Lastly, in a new layer, I copied the original video and masked out the right side of the desk chair, mirrored it, and moved it in place on the left side--this was to put it on top of the extra blur coming from the translated poster to make it less out of place.

As Chronos quickly gets over Ed’s “rejecting” him (lol), he runs over to his desk, but the video frame is the exact same as in edit 1. So, once I completed that one, all I really had to do was mask in much of the frame as Chronos runs over, adding additional masks for his jacket and arms/hands hitting the table.

Chronos next holds up the poster to show Napoleon; to insert my translated poster, I Power-Pinned it to the original one for the frames where he’s lifting it, until it stops moving. At that point, the shot zooms out for a good few frames before it sits still the rest of the shot, so once I exported the English poster in place, I went into Sony Vegas and repeated edit 1 process-wise: I had two layers with this new clip--one getting the Radial Blur to blur the poster as it’s lifted from the flashback border, and the other getting a center mask to keep the center of the frame unblurred. Closing this one out, I also added additional masks from the original video to put Chronos’s thumb back over the top of the poster, and to restore the original clip’s flashback border blur.

This one was relatively easy considering the rest here, lol. Immediately after this, the screen pans along the poster so we get a big close-up. First, I roughly stitched together the panning shot and blanked the names while smoothing out the roughness around where the frames were stitched from different points in the pan (since the poster was moving, so was the text’s radial blur along the edges). Then, @paradoxi-kay worked to blank the rest of the text by recreating the poster’s dynamic background in Photoshop, after which I went and slapped some text on there; here’s the finished result which I manipulated for the other shots. Once this was done, I first redid the panning shot in Vegas and saved that, and then reimported it and did the two-layer trick from before: one with the Radial Blur, one with a center mask to keep the center unblurred.

After Napoleon is in shock at his plan’s odds of success (for a guy who lacks “impossible” in his dictionary, he sure is skeptical...), Chronos pulls the poster back a bit as he wags his finger at him. This one was a doozy... So, first, AfterEffects/Power-Pinning the poster was key, and I Power-Pinned it for the frames the poster moves. Once done, I went into Sony Vegas, where I first threw in the frames I’d edited and saved, then reimported that and did the two-layer blur/mask trick. After that, I added a new layer with the original video, from which I masked most of the frame, but also Chronos’s finger as it wags in front of the poster and his thumb on the poster. *breathes out*

New in 2021, after Chronos pins his hopes on Manjoume, as Gokaido draws for his turn, we see an error where his Disk apparently partially vanishes for two movement frames--it seems the animation staff forgot to put the background layer behind his Disk there or something, lol. I fixed this by actually filling in the rest of his Disk in Photoshop for those two frames, first by filling in the Disk itself and then painting on the rest of the Monster Zone at the edge of the frame, and then just added them to the video in Vegas.

After Gokaido summons Armed Samurai -- Ben Kei, he activates the effect of his Divine Sword -- Phoenix Blade in his Cemetery--but he doesn’t have the Ben Kei he just summoned on his Disk! This was simple to fix; as it’s a zoom-out shot, I used a frame where his fourth Monster Zone was more visible and slapped on a Ben Kei proxy in AfterEffects, after which I went into Vegas, put Velocity on that frame to zero and expanded it for the duration of the zoom starting when the card would first be visible as I re-zoomed the frame, eventually applying a mask on the card. I also put the card in a few quick frames as he moves his Disk, in one using two layers to maintain the shading on that Zone.

As Manjoume’s seemingly foolish Ojamachine Yellow attack gets Gokaido cocky, the Ben Kei on his Disk is... in Defense Mode? I just used AfterEffects to slap on my proxy for the frames in which he moves his Disk.

After Shou warns Judai about Napoleon’s plan to dismantle Red, the two are startled by construction sounds! Manjoume stands outside watching his men get to work on his own stylish room, in front of an “Under Construction” sign that I translated for the hardsub (as “Currently Under Construction” to fill in the space well). I stitched the panning shot there together, then applied the translation, and then redid the panning shot in Vegas. Sure is nice they skimped out on the animation budget by leaving his men motionless...

Judai ponders if they’re really coming for Red, and we have a zoom-out shot of the Red dorm to end the episode. For the hardsub, I also translated the “Currently Under Construction” sign by using the first frame of the shot, applying the translation, and then redoing the zoom in Vegas. I then created an empty black-color event and custom faded it out to black.

Have I mentioned how much I love this show? 😬😅💙

#GX #yugioh gx #yugioh #ygo #ygo gx #my subs

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ayma-nidiot · 4 years

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“Don’t Speak Their Names” - Shrimpshipping fic Chapter 29

This chapter can be found here on AO3.

Author’s Note: This chapter will have implied Prideshipping, as will a small number of subsequent chapters. I will put warnings for when that happens.

Also suicide TW.

Chapter 29 - Peacemaker

~29 November 2005~

“Ugh, Doc, can I leave yet?” Rex whined after Dr. Balls had just finished a checkup at the off-campus hospital. “I feel like I’ve spent most of my college life in the hospital. I’ve already been here long enough when I had morning sickness. I wanna go have fun like every other freshman.”

“Unfortunately, that’s what happens when you’re about to have a child, young man,” Ptera spoke sternly. “You’re about to become a mom, and you need to act like it. You need to be a good role model for your daughter, and that includes not treating college like it’s a place just to go party.”

“Nag, nag. I got all my homework and projects done, didn’t I? I even got an A on one of my tests for biology class. I’ve never done that before! And while I’m hospital-bound too! Aren’t you proud of me, Mom?”

Ptera ruffled her son’s hair. “Well, I suppose I can’t expect you to turn into mom of the year overnight. But work on it, okay?”

Dr. Balls spoke up, “As your doctor, I won’t try to parent you. But I will say that you are good to go after today.”

“What, really?” Rex would have jumped out of bed if Ptera didn’t hold him down in it.

“Yes, but do not push yourself too hard - mentally or physically. Even though you’ve only got four weeks left in your pregnancy, it’s in your baby’s best interest to avoid going into labour early. And you need to tell me if anything - and I mean literally anything - goes awry. Is that clear?”

“Crystal, Doc. If he forgets, you can be sure that I’ll remember.”

“Much faith in me, Mom. Much faith.”

“Papa! Papa!” Amber could be heard shouting all the way from the first floor, along with the stomps of dozens of soldiers.

“Hey!” Dr. Balls shouted down the hallway. “No running in the hospital! I don’t care who you are!”

“I’m so sorry, Doc.” Amber bowed before talking to her mother. “Papa, I’ve just-”

“Not another word, young lady!” Ptera got up, noticing before anyone else just how wounded Amber was. “Look at your arm! And… Is that a broken arrow sticking out of your butt?”

“Amber, please…”

Amber wouldn’t let Dr. Balls or her grandmother sway her. “After almost a month, we finally cornered two of the Earthbound Gods, Wiraqocha Rasca and Ccarayhua! But… But… Hah…”

“DOWN.” Ptera demanded as Amber reluctantly knelt while Dr. Balls tended to her arrow wound. “Now, then, you were saying?”

“Ngh…!” Even though she had a high pain tolerance, Amber nearly cried when she felt alcohol enter her wounds. “They found out what my intentions were before I even revealed myself. There were too many strong monsters... As a result, I’ve already lost some of my men. I intend to go back to the hideout I’ve found once I’ve gathered the rest of the army.”

“I feel like I’ve heard that second funky name somewhere…” Rex looked to the ceiling before deciding that, indeed, he hadn’t actually heard the name. “Eh. Must be my imagination.”

Just then, the building shook so hard, small pieces of rubble rolled into Rex’s room. “Don’t tell me that that’s your imagination too?” Amber yelled as she half-shifted, even before Dr. Balls finished treating her. “Tch! Looks like those Earthbound Gods found us. ”

“I’m still concerned, but I’m confident that you’ll heal quickly.” Dr. Balls opened a safe in his office, which held his Gravity Axe - Grarl. “Know that I am on your side.”

“All this time, I had no idea… Er, I mean, thanks for the help.”

“I… I can fight too!” Rex stumbled on his way out of bed. “Whoa!”

“Get back in there, you.” Ptera growled.

“That’s right,” Dr. Balls added. “I said you’re good to go starting tomorrow. You shouldn’t be fighting when you’re this close to your due date. Besides, you’re not an especially strong monster; what do you honestly think you could accomplish out there?”

“How dare you?! I’ve still got my Duel Disk and my duelin’ dinos - Urk!” Though he was in far less pain than he was a month ago, Rex was still extremely fatigued and suffered swelling in his feet.

“I think I can make far better use of that Duel Disk than you can,” Ptera declared as she put Rex’s Duel Disk on. “Now, Amber, lead the way.”

“Hmph. Buttmunches, one and all,” Rex grumbled as his family left the campus hospital without him.

Are you really going to let them take all the glory while you sit here like a log? spoke a voice in Rex’s head.

Rex threw the covers over his head, fidgeting and grumbling, hoping the hallucination would go away. He swore to himself that he would tell Dr. Balls about it when he got back from the battle, however long that would take. “Well, why don’t you try caring around a 6-pound sack of rice for eight months, then getting beat to a pulp while you’re at it? ...Wait, who the hell are you, anyway? Another hallucination?”

Please, listen… I am not a hallucination. Rex Leonidas Raptor, hear my plea. You must get out there and talk to Earthbound God Ccarayhua. She doesn’t really want to fight.

“Apparently, you weren’t listening to the part that I said I was eight months pregnant! And you really have no idea who you’re talking to, so let me remind you. I am a ‘shoot first, ask questions later’ kind of guy - a.k.a. I do not ‘talk’ my way out of my problems.”

But your boyfriend, Weevil, is coming, spoke another voice.

Rex froze at the mention of Weevil’s name, and dug himself even further into the bedsheets. “I… I know I’ll have to face him eventually, but… I can’t do it - physically or emotionally. And even if I don’t fight him, someone might kill him before my eyes…” Rex hugged the sheets around him more tightly. “I don’t want to go through that again.”

Just trust us, spoke a third voice. We will protect you.

“...” After a long contemplation, Rex gave in, slowly lowering his feet onto the floor and using the wall as a crutch on his way out. His unborn child squirmed, not allowing him to walk any faster than a snail’s pace. “Okay, but I’ll never forgive you if something happens to either me or my baby!”

While Rex trudged towards the hospital exit, Dr. Balls and his ‘gang’ ran down the long main corridor. “I’ve only read about the eight Earthbound Gods,” he remarked. “I thought they were just a legend. If they’re real and as powerful as I think they are… We’ve got quite a battle on our hands.”

“Yes, but thankfully, we have to deal with only two of them for now,” Amber answered.

“You’ve got quite a battle on your hands, hmm?” spoke a voice, whose source had already summoned his monsters. “Why don’t we help you with that a little bit?”

“Joey! Everyone!” Looking past her family and the Club members, Amber saw her mother’s Red-Eyes Black Dragon defeating some of the lesser enemies already. “...You better not let anything happen to Papa’s Red-Eyes, you hear?”

“I wouldn’t dream of it!” Joey stood back-to-back with Mai as the latter had three of her Harpie Ladies in front of her.

“These guys…” Mai used her Harpie Lady Phoenix Formation spell; even then, the onslaugh of the enemies seemed endless. “Is it just me, or are they even tougher than last time?”

“So you’re admitting your own weakness?” Joey chuckled.

“Speak for yourself!” Mai scoffed as Joey’s Iron Knight Gearfried fell.

“Okay, okay… Say, Mai. I know I’ve been chicken about it, but…”

“Less talk and more fighting, Joey!” Mai barely dodged out of the way so she could summon her Harpie’s Pet Dragon too, while Joey summoned Gilford the Lightning and Jinzo.

“Joey…” Amber could still fight well enough, even though she stopped to talk to Joey. “Don’t tell me you still haven’t told her in the past month!”

“Told me what? N-Never mind, it can- Ouch!” While running, Mai tripped on a rock, and her three Harpie Ladies perished trying to protect her.

“Mai!” His monsters were already fending off some strong monsters, and Joey had no room left on his Duel Disk to summon more. So without thinking, he jumped in front of Mai to shield her from a direct Cyber Dragon attack. “Aaaaah!”

“Joey…” Mai still remained unwounded, but Joey suffered abrasions all over his body. While she spoke to Joey, Téa’s and Tristan’s monsters protected them. “You idiot… You could have used your monsters like every other damned duelist on this battlefield!”

“I know what I said about Red-Eyes, but I wouldn’t have minded if you used it to protect Mai.”

“I guess… If I’m gonna die anyway, then… This is as good of a time as any to say it… Mai…” Joey laced his bloody finger’s with Mai’s. “Mai… I love you more than anything else in the world. I… Urk! I just wish I… had told you during the Orichalcos mess. Maybe… Maybe then you wouldn’t have…”

“Joey, shut up!” Mai shut Joey up with a kiss. “You’re gonna make it… I love you too much to let you die here!”

“Aww, how cute!” Seymour, as Wiraqocha Rasca, hovered over the new couple. “Too bad your relationship isn’t going anywhere, because I’m going to kill you here!”

“I’ll let you have that honour, Seymour,” Dip spoke as she continued to attack her enemies in lizard form. “I’ll make sure these weaklings don’t stop you.”

“Joey! Argh, let go of me, you fucktard!” Amber had broken free of the Guarddragon Justicia that held her down, but was too far away from Joey to save him now.

Yet there was someone who could - a dragon clad in pure white armour and light. “Shining Neutron Blast!”

“Huh. I’ve never heard of that attack name before.” Before Dip could study this new enemy closer, she could hear a baritone voice singing. “Ugh… That song… What’s this, my strength is… fading? Dammit, I can’t hold onto my lizard form!”

“Now… Where have I heard that song before?” Joey lifted his head up to see a young man with cinnamon-coloured skin and spiky brown hair.

“Aww, that’s kind of mean,” the young man whined as he used healing magic on Joey. “After all the battles you fought with Father and Papa, you don’t remember them?”

“Come to think of it, there’s only one person I’ve ever known that’s used Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon…” Joey still felt tired, but could stand on his feet again. “It’s…”

“Big Bro!” Mokuba hugged Kaiba from behind, recognizing his brother’s dragon form easily.

“Mokuba, now’s not the time! Save the pleasantries for later!” Kaiba jumped out of the way with Mokuba on his back.

“Hah!” Now that Atem had stopped singing, Seymour could transform back into his condor form. “I really wanted to hear your beautiful song some more! Too bad!”

“I’m more than just a song, you fiend.” Using his DiaDhank, Atem summoned Dark Magician and Dark Magician Girl.

“The dragon… Could he be-”

Before Amber could say another word, Phuckdis and William had just come onto the scene with the rest of the army. “Sorry we’re late, Amber!”

“About time!” Amber backflipped in the air to avoid an attack from Dip. “Help me take down this overgrown lizard, will ya?”

“‘Overgrown lizard…’ Ah!” Upon seeing his sister again, Phuckdis froze in place. “Dip… Is that you?”

“Well, so nice of you to visit after, what? Sixteen fucking years?” Dip set her sights on her brothers. “Why don’t you finish what you started back then?”

“Sister…” William couldn’t move either. “I don’t want to fight you.”

“Oh, that’s rich!” Dip’s attacks got more intense. “You disown me, and then now you say you don’t want to fight? You cowards!”

“William, we need to fight her.” Phuckdis began to fight back, albeit reluctantly. “She’s an Earthbound God.”

“Yes, those were almost the exact same words you used! So come at me with your bullets, Borreload Savage Dragon, and run your dear sister through!”

“W-Wait!”

“Huh?” Ptera turned around to see a half-shifted Rex hobbling out of the hospital. “Rex! Get the hell back in your room!”

“Oh my fucking gods, Rex, you’re insane! Ggh!” Dr. Balls swung around with his axe, striking the enemy that lunged towards Rex. “Are you trying to give birth in the middle of a battlefield?”

“Mom… Dr. Balls… Please…” Rex tried his best to hide the deep pain he was in. “And you too, Phuckdis. Dip doesn’t want to fight either of you; she’s just very hurt by what you guys did to her.”

“And what the hell would you know, rabbit?” Dip turned her attention to Rex now. “You have no idea what I’ve been through, what being estranged by your ‘family’ feels like!”

“I may not understand you, but I know what it’s like to have your family abandon you… and to reconnect with them after so long. If I can do it, so can you.”

“Rex…” Spinos looked at his son in sorrow for a brief spell before summoning Jurrac Tyrannus and Jurrac Velphito just in time.

“Dip, you told me yourself when I was your prisoner. Don’t you remember? And… And how I told you about what Weeves and I have been through?”

“Ggh…” Dip could feel the darkness in her heart leaving her.

“Stop poisoning her mind, you weak cur!” Seymour readied a beam to fire at Rex.

“It isn’t too late. Just like Weeves did once, you can change your destiny. Join us!”

“Like hell she will! Take this you-” Seymour couldn’t say another word as Dip impaled him with a lizard claw. “Ccarayhua! What are you doing?”

“...” Dip said nothing as she withdrew her claw and reverted forms.

“Damn you, you… traitor… Argh…”

When all the enemies had been defeated, Rex slowly walked up to Dip, but didn’t touch her. “I knew you would come around and help us!”

“Who’d have thunk that the tyrannical, arrogant Rex Raptor would be a peacemaker?” Joey chuckled.

“Sh-Shut up!” Rex blushed. “I’ll have you know that I didn’t do it because I wanted to! A nagging voice in my head told me to.”

“It… It did?” Amber sounded curious.

Joey interrupted whatever she was going to say next. “If this ‘nagging voice’ told you to jump off a bridge, would you?”

“It’s not uncommon to experience hallucinations in a pregnancy, but if it becomes frequent… We’re going to need to have a private talk about that later.”

“I’ll take you up on your offer, Doc!” Rex gave Dr. Balls a thumbs up.

“Um…” Dip felt awkward being in the literal middle of this conversation.

Joey turned to their new ally. “Hey, aren’t you technically one of the bad guys? Why should we trust you?”

“ This is why.” Dip lifted up her shirt to reveal several deep scars on her abdomen. “After my brothers disowned me, I was so ashamed of my powers that I tried to kill myself… It turns out that we Earthbound Gods are not capable of doing that. However, the incident left my reproductive system so badly damaged… Now, I’m infertile.”

“So you can’t have kids with Daddy.” Amber still wasn’t wholly convinced. “And you think that’s a good enough reason?”

“If it pleases you, Lady Amber, you can kill me as soon as you suspect me. You’re welcome, by the way, for killing an Earthbound God for you.”

“I…” Amber had to admit that killing Seymour was a good enough reason in and of itself. “Okay, we accept you. But you better not chicken out when it’s time to kill the other Gods.”

“L-Like, right now?” Joey shook his finger at the changing sky above them. “Where have I seen that spider symbol before?”

“It’s the Mark of Uru…” Amber’s eyes opened wide. “Daddy is coming!”

“Weevil…” Rex trembled in place, hugging his baby bump. “I’m not ready to face him yet!”

“Don’t worry, you don’t have to be.” So Dip said, but after trying to transform, she found she had no will to do so. “Dammit! Why can’t I…?”

Dr. Balls couldn’t hold onto his animal form either. “Such is the price we strong shifters have to pay… There’s nothing more we can do here, Dip. Let’s go to my office, before Weevil arrives! Hurry!”

“I’m not scared of that bug boy!” Joey got up, with only Red-Eyes Black Dragon to defend him. “Bring it!”

“Hahaha! Gladly!” Weevil came to the battlefield alone, but with all the confidence in the world.

“And what makes you think you can take on half of an army by yourself?” Joey smirked.

“Because unlike your idiotic friends, I know better than to fully shift unless the situation demands of it.” Weevil’s arms and legs glowed bright red as he spared Kaiba a passing glance.

“You… little…” As strong as Kaiba was, he couldn’t even half-shift.

“Ah, yes, I remember you…” Weevil cackled upon seeing Kaiba. “You’re the reason why my father pushed me so hard… I would have been spared so much pain and suffering if it weren’t for you!”

“Do you honestly expect me to care about your pain and suffering?” Kaiba scoffed.

“I’ll happily make you care!” Weevil shot a quick ball of spider webs at Kaiba from which he couldn’t escape.

“I’m… I’m not afraid!” Despite what Joey said, after seeing Kaiba fall so easily to Weevil, he wasn’t fully confident in his own ability. “Get ‘im, Red-Eyes!”

Weevil easily pushed Joey’s monster - and Joey himself - out of the way. “So, that’s the best you could bring? Hah!”

“W-Weeves…” Rex fell to his knees as he and Weevil stared each other down.

“So that just leaves me and you, huh?” Weevil could hear Atem trying to sing from behind him, and shot him down before he could get another note in. “You should have brought less pathetic friends, Rex. They all thought I was the same pathetic ‘bug boy’ from before, and now they’re all paying the price!”

“I… I don’t think you’re pathetic.” Rex panted as he spoke, feeling more Braxton Hicks contractions. “You’re strong; you always have been. Everything bad that happened to you is just bad luck.”

“So you acknowledge it. But flattery isn’t going to get you anything, except a few more quick seconds of life.” Weevil pointed his right arms at Rex. “I would give you the chance to fight me now, but I already know you can’t. Gods, how boring.”

“Daddy! Stop!” Amber’s wings were so sore from her struggle against Guarddragon Justicia that she couldn’t fly another inch forward.

“Amber, you foolish girl. You should have killed me when you had the chance! Maybe then you wouldn’t have to see your dear mother die right before your eyes!” Weevil turned back to Rex. “I think I’ve kept you waiting long enough. Prepare to die!”

Right as Weevil raised his arm, however, a voice bellowed across the battlefield. “You will not touch him!”

“Now, where have I heard that voice before?” Joey wondered out loud.

“Joseph, it has been a while. It looks like you’re having trouble; do you need some help? Why don’t I… spruce up your Red-Eyes a bit?”

“How do you know my name, and what are you talking… about… Huh?” Joey noticed the Red-Eyes Black Dragon changing forms.

“H-Hey!” Weevil finally showed a sign of weakness. “Get out of here, if you know what’s good for you!”

“Hmm?” Rex smiled at Weevil slyly. “Where has all your confidence from before gone, hotshot?”

“Grr!” Weevil turned back to Rex, readying an attack at him. “If it’s confidence you want, it’s confidence you’ll get! Hyaaaah!”

Just then, Joey stepped in, blocking Weevil’s attack with his newly forged sword. “Not if I can help it. Leave my friend alone!”

“Ha… ha… Your friend?”

“And mine, too! Dark Magician Girl the Dragon Knight, charge!” Atem ordered.

“Aaaaaargh!” This attack slashed Weevil across the legs. “You motherfucking pharaoh! I’ll not let you defeat me again! ”

“You wanna bet on that?” Kaiba smirked with Doom Virus Dragon behind him. “Even if Atem can’t defeat you, I’ll gladly do the honours.”

“You…” Weevil lunged forward, but stumbled. “You’ll pay for-”

“Uru, that’s enough!” Anita suddenly arrived in hummingbird form. “Retreat - Watda’s orders.”

“But… But I can still-”

“I will do no such thing! We leave now!” Anita picked Weevil up with her wing.

“Dammit! Give him… back…” Amber shot several arrows at Anita that missed.

“Never mind them for now, Lady Amber…” Phuckdis looked upon the three people who had saved them. “Who are these people?”

“Is… Is that you, rich boy?” Joey could hardly recognize his former rival, who had aged 20 years since he saw him last, and now wore ancient Egyptian garb.

“Big Brooooo!” Mokuba jumped in the air as he hugged his older brother. “How have you and Atem been?”

“Atem is here too?” Joey looked to the pharaoh, who had hardly aged a day. “Yo.”

“‘Yo’ yourself!” Atem gave his best friend a high five.

“I… didn’t know that Aiko’s other child was still alive.” Spinos exchanged a few words with his elder nephew, and told Kaiba about his surviving family members.

“Then who’s the boy?” Joey gestured his head towards the young man that had arrived with Kaiba and Atem.

“Darned please to meet y’all! I’m Heka Kaiba, the son of Atem and Seto Kaiba!” Heka had a much more relaxed demeanour than either of his parents.

“Come to think of it… You’re a shifter too, aren’t you, Kaiba? So does that mean…”

“That’s right, Rex. I was the one who gave birth to him - after letting Atem top me once. I’ve also got three other kids back at home.”

“Brah, I know all about that.” Rex patted his older cousin’s shoulder.

“You’re… You’re Heka?” Amber hesitated to show herself before the Egyptian crown prince. “Do you remember me?”

Heka stopped socializing with the others when Amber approached him, and reached out a hand to her. “How could I forget that beautiful face of yours? Would you… let me touch it again?”

“Heka!” Amber brought Heka’s hand to her face. “Yes! Yes, of course! Oh, my love, you’re alive! I’ve missed this warm hand so much…”

“What?” Rex blinked as he watched Amber get comfortable with this guy he just met. “What’s going on?”

“How ever did you survive?” Amber ignored her mother.

“I’m not gonna bore you with the details. Let’s just say if it wasn’t for daddy dear protecting you and whisking me away to safety at the last second, we’d both be dead.”

“Maybe my future is bright after all…” Amber cried tears of joy that Heka wiped away.

“Oh, stop thinking about the future and focus on the present.” As Heka kissed Amber, he noticed the look of pain on her face. “Babe? Is everything okay?”

“I.. uh… might have gotten hurt in that last battle. Specifically on my butt.”

“Then how about I use some ancient Egyptian magic and help you feel better?” Heka showed no shame in lightly squeezing Amber’s butt before massaging it.

“Okay, that’s it, buster!” Rex huffed as he tried to break Heka and Amber apart. “Just who do you think you are, fondling my daughter that way?”

“Papa, you don’t have to worry about anything. Remember when I mentioned my boyfriend a few times before? This is him. He’s also a really good singer.” Amber twirled a lock of Heka’s hair. “By the way, love, you’ve got to perform a solo for everyone sometime. I’ve missed your gorgeous voice.”

“I take it you’re Amber’s mom in the present day?” Heka struck a pose. “Well, how do you do? What Amber didn’t tell you is that while I’m not a shifter, I’m one hell of a magic user. Your buddy Joey would probably be dead if it wasn’t for me. Haha!”

“Haha…” Joey answered with a half-hearted chuckle. “The pharaoh’s son is… one interesting fella, ain’t he? I bet he drives Atem and Kaiba up the wall.”

“Word. He’s nothing like my other self.”

“Hmph. I suppose I’ll tolerate your relationship with Amber for now. But make her cry, and I’ll make you regret it.”

“Daaaw, you’re a protective mother already.” Tricera smiled.

Kaiba didn’t like his son’s odd behaviour. “Heka, that’s quite enough. You need to act more like a prince and not make a fool of your father.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, Papa.”

“Pharaoh…” Amber couldn’t look Atem in the eye. “I… Well… Thanks. Even though Daddy has caused you so much trouble, you’ve saved our lives today. And you, Kaiba. I wish you had come sooner, but it’s better late than never.”

“What do you mean?”

Phuckdis stepped forward. “In our future, we have a legend of a sacred creature known as the God-Shattering Star. He is said to be the only one capable of defeating the Crimson Devil, the strongest of the Earthbound Gods. Unfortunately, he never came… until now. Kaiba, we believe that you’re the one who will save us all.”

“That’s what I thought too.” Amber broke her hug with Heka. “And you summoned the three legendary dragons with you, dragons that are said to forge master weapons.”

“Timaeus…” Atem smiled at his old friend. “It’s been so long.”

“That explains the Red-Eyes Black Dragon Sword…” Rex could only take a quick glance at Joey’s sword before turning away, the flashbacks of their Orichalcos duel coming back to him.

“I… uh… don’t feel like I really did anything, but okay.”

“Don’t be so modest, God-Shattering Star.” Phuckdis knelt in front of Kaiba. “You are worth all the praise in the world.”

Amber knelt too. “You’re the only one who can save Daddy. Please… Please, help us.”

“Gee, I didn’t know my role as queen of Egypt required me to help people from the future. Just how many worlds do I need to save?” Kaiba facepalmed. “Fine, I’ll do it. But this will be the last time that I do something nice for you dweebs.”

“That’s what you said last time you tried to save the world, rich boy.”

“Oh, put a sock in it, Wheeler.”

“Our circle of friends is finally back together again…” Téa pulled Yugi, Joey, Tristan, Atem, and Kaiba in for a group hug. “If we’ve saved the world twice, we can definitely do it thrice.”

“Sigh…” Rex sat down on the concrete as he waited for Dr. Balls’ nurses to get a stretcher for him. “I just wish it could wait until after finals.”

#yugioh #ygo #shrimpshipping #fanfiction #mpreg

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kouei116 · 5 years

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Piofiore no Banshou: Dante (1)

Y: Eeee!? Why are you ... But thank you for saving me ...

After the prologue, Dante brought MC to his Falzone mansion. She was treated as a guest, had a comfy room, an escort called Leo that brought her everything she needed but Dante refused to explain/tell her anything, didn't allow her to step outside the mansion either. One day MC knew Dante was going out, she told Leo she was taking a bath but actually making a rope from bed sheet to climb down and escape. The rope snapped and she fell straight into Dante’s arms below ଘ(੭ˊ꒳ˋ)੭✧ Dante had a bad premonition hence he quickly returned and managed to catch her. He was mad, she could have died! MC thanked him for saving her. Dante brought her to his office and explained Sister Sofia died from the wound that night, MC was in a dangerous situation, she should stay here so that the Falzone could protect her from LaoShu (the Chinese mafia).

Y: (His face is very gentle...)

D (to Carlo the cat): ... What happened to you? To be lost this late at night?

Leo brought MC books, music records so she wouldn't be bored, even a cat (that she named Carlo, it has blue eyes just like Dante's) so she wouldn't be lonely. MC was very thankful to Leo but eventually found out all of these were actually Dante's orders. One day, Carlo finished eating and ran off into Dante's office. MC followed and saw Dante patting Carlo's head gently ~(=^･ω･^)ヾ(^^ ) She came in to thank him for giving her all the books, records and Carlo. She asked if she could trust him, he said it was hard to ask her to trust mafia, but he had rules and he would move ahead to do what needed to be done without wavering - similar to what Sister Sofia told MC before. MC burst into crying missing Sofia and Dante stroked her back comforting her. She thought to herself, thanks to Carlo, she found out this kind gentle side of Dante today.

Y: (Dante was fighting while he himself was wounded like this ...)

Nicola (Dante's right hand man) told her to go with him to the mansion's dungeon where Dante and other men were interrogating Fei (underling of Yang - Laoshu's leader). Fei saw MC and said ohhh she is the Key Maiden! Nicola lied to Dante that they came down here to look for Carlo the cat. MC asked Dante to stop bc Fei was still a boy, but Dante said this was not her business. Nicola brought MC back up and explained he showed MC that to remind her even if they treated her kindly, they were still mafia, and the world they lived in was different from hers.

MC found out Sister Sofia was still alive, she wanted to go to the church to ask Sofia about the Key Maiden. Leo helped sneak her out on the day the Falzone attacked Yang's dealings but Sister Sofia wasn't in the church so they returned, bumping into Gilford (Visconti family's head) on the way but he let them go without troubling them. The Falzone's attack was successful, MC had been waiting to ask Dante abt Key Maiden, but when she saw blood on his arm, she rushed to get the first aid box and gave him treatment. She apologized to him, saying she found him scary in the dungeon and she still didn't like violence. He said it was natural to be scared and she didn't need to come to accept violence, in the world he lived in, sometimes there are things that need violence to get done.

Y: (The leaf must have been flown by the strong wind earlier)

MC saw a famous politician angrily left Dante's office then Dante came out, looking all gloomy. She asked him to come to the garden with her, she tried to cheer him up talking abt fall and winter lol but nope, not working. Then she asked what sweets he wanted, more dulce? panacotta? tarta caprese? Btw Dante had a sweet tooth, he drank cafe latte, cappucino and liked the dulce that MC usually made for him. He was interested in the tarta caprese. MC was very excited saying she would try her best to make it delicious for him - this made him smile (❁´‿`❁)*✲ﾟ* Suddenly a strong wind flown by and he came very near to her face because ... there was a leaf stuck into her hair. He took the leaf off and MC heart pounded in her chest UwU

Leo said he was sure Sister Sofia was in the church this time, so when the Falzone went to do another attack on Yang, they sneaked out again (urggg whyyy Leo). But the intel for this attack was a miss, Yang wasn't there. Meanwhile MC and Leo were cornered by Yang's underlings. They ran away, bumped into the police officer Marcus and Robert. Leo offered to acted as the diversion while Marco helped bring MC back. But Marco and MC bumped right into Yang... Luckily Dante arrived and fought with Yang to protect MC. Then Nicola and more backup arrived so Yang left.

When they returned to his office, Dante slapped Leo for not thinking before acting, then was abt to explain everything to MC but there was a commotion at the front - Orlok arrived and on his own beat up the Falzone people to get inside the mansion. Leo rushed in to warn Dante, Dante prepared his gun and as soon as he stepped outside, Orlok was right at the door wanting to talk to MC. Dante wanted to stop Orlok so Orlok lunged at Dante with his short knife. Leo jumped in and got stabbed in his arm. More Falzone backup coming so Orlok jumped out the window and escaped.

After this, Dante told MC to pack things up and they immediately left to a hidden house that even among the Falzone, only Nicola and Leo knew about. These 2 usually came by to bring food and give reports to Dante. Nicola now was in command while Dante was here with MC.

Dante explained to MC, the Falzone has always been protecting the Holy Relic. In order for the Holy Relic not to be misused (that would cause Burlone to fall into wars and disasters), the Holy Relic was strictly sealed and according to legends, the 2 important factors to unlock the seal were the Falzone family's blood (hence the family was very strict with bloodline) and the Key Maiden (that the church chose aka MC).

D: Y...? What is it...?

Y: I really wasn't about to attack you in your sleep!

Later Dante fell asleep on the couch, MC was trying to wake him up to go to bed properly and avoid catching cold, but Carlo the cat at her feet made her slip and nearly fell down onto Dante, hence this adorable blushing Dante CG (*´﹃｀*) Well, she managed to get up and their hands only touched a little bit what a shame (￢ε￢　) The two of them lived in this house, MC cooked and cleaned bc when Dante offered to help he immediately broke a dish lol. He asked her abt her life at the church while she asked him abt his childhood (with Nicola sneaking into the kitchen, they grew up together so could understand each other very well). It's nice for Dante and MC to get to know each other while living here all on their own ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Nicola: Well, once I finish reading this book, the three of us (Dante, Nicola, MC) can discuss our thoughts together while having tea.

Introducing my Falzone Panini (the Italian cousin of Anna's sandwich™ haha): Dante Falzone (VA: Kaito Ishikawa) and Nicola Francesca (VA: Kimura Ryouhei). I automatically have a soft spot for Nicola the moment I saw Kimura Ryouhei as his VA. Dante is ahhhh, not only is he very handsome, I like how he seems cold but actually silently protects and looks after MC. He is sweet like his sweet tooth! His voice is so nice too, I'm definitely playing Midnight Cinderella's Alyn, Psychedelica the Black butterfly’s Hikage and Gensou Kissa Enchante’s Il Fado de Rie in his honour (♥ω♥ ) ~♪

This post is about chapter 1-5, about half of Dante's route that I have played and so far I enjoy it very much. The story, the arts, the music are stunning. I can't wait to finish the rest of Dante’s then onto Nicola’s ヽ(。ゝω・)ノ☆

#Piofiore no Banshou #piofiore #piofiore dante #dante falzone #kouei116 translation #kouei116 nintendoswitch

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yuckitup-jwd · 5 years

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Historical people answer the question - Why did the chicken cross the road?

Douglas Adams: Forty-Two

Earnest Angsley: To be HAYELED! in the name o'Jayeeezus!

Marcus Antonius: The evil that chickens do lives after them, the good is oft interred with their bones.

Any Philosophy 101 Professor: Why not?

Any Calculus Professor: The road, if expressed in the form (y2-y1)/(x2-x1) is approximate for cases where lim(y2-y1)/(x2-x1) as (x2-x1) -> 0, is represented by the derivative, or rate of change, of the road with respect to the chicken, such that the value of the chicken may be assumed equal to the value of (y2-y1)/(x2-x1), for small values of roads.

Jane Austen: Because it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single chicken, being posessed of a good fortune and presented with a good road, must be desirous of crossing.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Neil Armstrong: One small step for chickenkind, one giant leap for poultry.

Arthur, King of the Britons: What do you mean? African or European chickens?

Paul Atreidies: What name have you for the chicken shaped stain upon your road? That shall be the name that you shall call me!

Lord Baden-Powell: Because as a Chicken Scout, it needed the Road-Crossing Merit Badge.

Bilbo Baggins: Oh what I wouldn't give to back in my nice, warm Hobbit-hole! I hope I never have to lay eyes on such a thing as that chicken again!

Baldrick: It had a cunning plan.

The Band: To take a load off....

The Bandit, in The Treasure of The Sierra Madre: "Chickens? Chickens? We don't need no stinkin' chickens!"

Clive Barker: He was drawn to the road, and he didn't so much cross the road as the road crossed him. And once across, the chicken entered into a frightening void, filled only with the screams of a thousand agonized souls. The hands of doom reached out of the blackness, strangling the chicken, smothering him, suffocating him. He could not escape, as no one who crosses the road can escape. He was now a prisoner of the Cenobytes, doomed to an eternity of pain.

Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?

The Beatles: To be free as a bird!

Lavrenti Beria (ex-head of the KGB): This is a State Secret -- we have informants everywhere.

Bill The Cat Ack. Thpppbt

Blackadder: Queenie: Because I told it to. Percy: To acquire a hunk of purest green Lord Flasheart: To DOOOOOOOOO IT!

Lucien Bouchard: So that it could be SEPARATE!

Ben Bova: To be reunited with beautiful grey-eyed Athena, the woman he has loved for all of time

Brisco (Law and Order): For A Bagel

Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce and Bruce: To grab a Fosters and get away from the poofters!

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Archie Bunker: I don't care what them there chickens do, as long as they stay on THEIR side of the street!

Bugs Bunny: What's up, cluck?

Robert Burns: Fair Fa Your Honest Sonsie Face Great Chieftain O' The Chicken Race The blackened road 'ahind ye said Ye best run quick ere ye be deid!

George Bush: If it did it was out of the loop

George Bush: (again) It could see the thousand points of headlights....

Rhett Butler: Frankly my dear, it didn't give a damn!

C3PO (1): Sir, may I remind you that I am fluent in 6,000,000 forms of communication and this chicken has not... shutting up, sir.

C3PO (2): Sir, according to my calculations, the odds of a chicken successfully navigating a road are 3,750 to 1 against.

Caesar: It came, it saw, it crossed.

Joseph Campbell: In primitive cultures, we can find many such examples of the chicken motif that cannot be dismissed as mere coincidence. For instance, I am reminded of an old Navajo legend in which a buffalo crosses a stream to "come" to the other side -- an obvious negative language devised to prepare tribesmen for a transcendental experience. Similarly, the Hindus believe in savanaya, or a sacred cow that leaps over a chasm on Thursdays. Through metaphorical interpretation, we are led to realize that all examples suggest an attainable higher state of consciousness like that of Nietzsche's ubermench, or superman, as outlined in his novel "Thus Spoke Zarathustra."

Albert Camus: Seeing that an indifferent world lied on all sides of the road, the chicken knew it would be absurd not too cross, and for that moment, the chicken knew what it was to really be alive. It was if the bird had been asleep its entirely up until this choice was put before him. So, with a newfound determination and a smile, the chicken valiently crossed the road only to be put out of its mercy by an eighteen wheeler.

Candide: To cultivate its garden.

Johnny Carson: Let me tell you, it was so cold at that farm... Ed McMahon: How cold was it? Johnny Carson: It was so cold, that the chickens were mugging the sheep to get wool for sweaters!

Raymond Chandler: Across these mean streets a chicken must go who is not himself mean, who is neither tarnished nor afraid. He is the hero; he is everything. He must be a complete chicken and a common chicken and yet an unusual chicken. He must be, to use a rather weathered phrase, a chicken of honor - by instinct, by inevitability, withough thought of it, and certainly without saying it. He must be the best chicken in his world and a good enough chicken for any world.

Charlie X: Because it didn't want to STAY....STAY....STAY....STAY....STAY...

Cheech (or Chong): Just to be there, man.

The Chicken: I am crossing the road to block traffic as a protest against ..." (thump).

Commander Chikotay: I'm not sure but I can find out. That chicken is my animal spirit guide.

Noam Chomsky: To manufacture consent

Tom Clancy: The Mark 84 gargleblaster that the chicken carried, at the heart of which was an inferior ex-Soviet excimer laser system, had insufficient range to allow the chicken to carry out its mission from this side of the road.

John Cleese From Fawlty Towers: Manuel from Barcelona: "Que?" Basil: "You know, a chicken crossing the road...." Manuel: "Que?" Basil: [looking it up in a dictionary], "Un Pollo..." Manuel: interrupting, "No, No we out of chicken.." * WHAP!!*

John Cleese: Because it was very silly.

John Cleese: (again) This isn't a chicken license, you know! It's a dog license with the word "Dog" crossed out and "Chicken" written in in crayon.

John Cleese: (#3) This Chicken is no more. It has ceased to function. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. It's a stiff. If it wasn't nailed to the road it'd be pushing up daisies. It's snuffed it. It's metabolic processes are now history. It's bleeding demised. It's rung down the curtain, shuffled off the mortal coil and joined the bleeding Choir Invisible. This is an Ex-Chicken.

Bill Clinton: What?

Bill Clinton (again): The chicken was persuaded to cross the road by the Democratic congress. It is now returning to the middle of the road

Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.

John Constantine: Because it'd made a bollocks of things over on this side of the road and figured it'd better get out right quick.

Alastair Cooke: Good Evening, and welcome to Masterpiece Theatre. Tonight, we present the epic British drama "How The Chicken Went," based on the 1843 novel by Herbert T. Poultry, and adapted for the screen by Joanna Drumstick. Starring Susan Hampshire as the Chicken, and Anthony Hopkins as the evil and unrepentant diner, Borstrom, this elegant period piece explores the mores and morality of a society in which ordinary chickens had to face their destiny of crossing the road to meet their fate at the hands of the monied upper classes, regardless of their own ambitions or desires...

Shiela Copps (Deputy Prime Minister of Canada): BECAUSE I SCREAMED AT IT REAL LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sheila Copps: Okay, I know that the chicken promised it would cross the road if the Liberals failed to eliminate the GST, but it was a stupid promise to make and the chicken deeply regrets ever making it. However, the chicken will not be crossing the road because to do so would cost tax payers $500,000.

Sheila Copps (a few days later): Alright! Alright! The chicken will cross the road like it promised. But it'll be right back again. Now leave me alone.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecendented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Jacques Ives Cousteau: Zee cheecken, unaware of zee dangare beehind heem, crosses zee street. Weezout warning, zee Porsche strikes, and zee balance of zee nature ees maintained.

Stephen R. Covey: When the chicken and the road can work together for the win-win, the result is synergy!

Jean Cretien, Prime Minister of Canada: "It wasn't a chicken, you know, it was an Inuit carving of a loon. But the RCMP should have been there anyway..."

Aleister Crowley: Because it was its True Will to do so.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Stephanie Daniels: It was the turtle's day off.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Commander Data: I do not know. Although I have compared all of my 437 billion data points relating to chickens and roads, there is no possitive correlation between the two.

W. Edwards Demming: But is one chicken crossing one road of statistical importance? Only once we have established an historical baseline of chickens with respect to roads, with calculated upper and lower control limits, can we make that determination.

Arthur Dent: Are you sure the chicken is from Beetelgeuse, and not from Gilford after all?

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.

Descartes (again): The chicken was merely a machine and was crossing due to the deterministic nature of the universe.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Bob Dole: Do you know that before that chicken had gotten across the road, its cellular phone was ringing and there was a lawyer on the other end asking if it would like to sue the city for not putting up a traffic light.

Bob Dylan: How many roads must a chicken travel down, before they call him a man?

E.T.: Chicken, phone home

Ecclesiastes (1): For every fowl, there is a season. A time for garlic, a time for sage...

Ecclesiastes (2): This bird is meaningless.

Wyatt Earp: Well, chicken, are you gonna do something, or just stand there and bleed?

Eeyore: If it did. Which I doubt. Not that it matters.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

T.S. Eliot: It's not that they cross, but that they cross like chickens.

Harlan Ellison: Because he had no beak and must scream.

Emergency Medical Holographic Doctor on U.S.S. Voyager: Maybe it was trying to state the nature of a medical emergency.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Epicurus: For fun.

Basil Fawlty: Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona.

Sybil Fawlty: BASIL! Why is there a CHICKEN in my hotel?

Dr. Johnny Fever: To escape from the Phone Cops!

Fiver (from Watership Down): Don't you see it? The sky has turned to blood, the field has turned to fire... THE CHICKENS! DON'T YOU SEE THE CHICKENS?

Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop its forward momentum.

Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.

Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.

Barney Fyfe: Now Andy, let me tell you a thing or two about chickens. Chickens cross roads in those other counties, but not here in Mayberry. No chicken crosses no roads in Mayberry without Deputy Fyfe knowing about it!

Gandalf: O chicken, do not meddle in the affairs of roads, for you are tasty and good with barbecue sauce.

Bill Gates: For the money

Frank Bunker Gilbereth: To minimize its therbligs

Jim Gillis: The chicken crossed the road to show the gophers it could be done.

Newt Gingrich: To get to the RIGHT side of the road.

Newt Gingrich (again): The chicken had to cross the road, because, bogged down by the incredible debt burden, it was no longer able to fly.

Newt Gingrich (III): It was safety pinned to one of those damn punk rockers!

Ira Glasser (ACLU): The chicken maintains an absolute privacy interest in information as to whether or why he or she may have perambulated the thoroughfare.

Johann Wolfgang v. Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Sir Charles Grandiose: As surely as the golden hairs turn to silver, as surely as the sands drift silently through the slender neck of the hourglass, the last sunny days of summer flee soundlessly under autumn's chilly embrace. And with those last days of that warmest and most joyful of seasons, left the road's edge the sprightliest young chicken ever a Baronet did see

Hercules Gryptyppe-Thynne, (All-around Public-School Cad): That's not a chicken! It's a clever disguise, inside of which is Count Jim "Thighs" Moriarity.....

Gary Gygax: Because I rolled a 64 on the "Chicken Random Behaviors" chart on page 497 of the Dungeon Master's Guide.

Hamlet: Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of outrageous road maintenance than to take arms against a sea of oncoming vehicles.

Thomas Hardy: The road was black, the sky was white (and so were the feathers) as the bright red mark on the top of the chicken's head gleamed in the twilight. It was a pure chicken and it was doomed.

Mike Harris, (Premier of Ontario): Like evrything else in this province, it was facing the axe.

Paul Harvey: And now... page two... a chicken... attempts to cross... the street... yes... the street... and is... run down by a... Buick! The Buick Roadmaster with it's powerful perfomance and elegant style! Yes... that poor chicken... hit by the Buick... it's true... it's... true... and speaking of true... your local True Value Hardware Store...

Hegel: Only through the synthesis of the dialectical chicken and road could the spirit transcend the experience of crossing.

Robert Heinlein: Because with the freedom the chicken was given, it was the chicken's responsibility to do so.

Robert Heinlein (again): The more widely dispersed chickens are throughout the Universe, the better the long-term prospects for the survival of the chicken species.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Doug Hofstadter: To seek explication of the correspondence between appearance and essence through the mapping of the external road-object onto the internal road-concept.

Sherlock Holmes: It crossed the road because it was going to catch a train at Victoria Station at 3:15, to Edinburgh. And how did I know that? Observe, Watson, the patina of dust on the chicken's feathers, which indicates that it had been spending time in a library, reading about Scotland. And observe also that it was humming "Bonnie Lassie" as it waited to cross. Finally, and most important, observe the train ticket marked Edinburgh, stuffed under one wing, and the fact that Victoria station was where the chicken crossed the street, and finally that the only train to Edinburgh this afternoon is the 3:15....

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.

Dr. Jack Van Impe: Well you see, here's the really exciting part, if we were to look at Revelation 17:3 we will see that the Whore of Babylon rides on a scarlet beast. A scarlet beast! What this means is a Rhode Island Red. And the truly glorious thing is that this beast, this Rhode Island Red, this CHICKEN has crossed the road EXACTLY as was prophesized in the Bible and this is all a sign, Revelation 17:3, that we're living in the End Time. Hallelujah! And if you would like more information on the significance of this chicken crossing the road as all part of God's great plan then send me $50 and you will recieve this set of video tapes along with a copy of my recent book "Chickens: fowl beast, or foul beast?".

John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gesalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Franz Kafka: Dieter, now in the form of a chicken, was running from the government's torture machine. The machine, an instrument of death, slowly obliterated the souls of its victims. Dieter was alone. He was running for his life, his insignificant life.

Immanuel Kant: The pure transcendental concept of the road, having been deduced a priori and without dependence on intuitions, is given in the mode of the chicken as an end in itself, while crossing the road as a hypothetical imperative, namely, as acting towards some end allowed by Reason.

Casey Kasem: And now here's a hot new number from a hot young band whose drummer was so tragically killed in a freeway accident, it's The Hen House Flock singing "When You Gonna Crow?" hitting the charts at number 23!

JFK: The chicken chose to cross the road in this decade not because it was easy, but because it was hard.

Obi Wan Kenobi: To follow old obi wan on some damn fool idealistic crusade.

Jack Kerouac: The chicken hipster, high on tea and the soul groves of Charlie (the bird) Parker, strolled aimlessly on the road looking for his dharma.

Soren Kierkegaard: The chicken is dead. The road is nothing.

Colonel Kilgore: "I love the smell of chickens in the morning"

Martin Luther King: It had a dream.

James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Ralph Klein: Because we gave it a one-way bus ticket to B.C.

Mark Knophler: How come Chickens got Industrial Disease?

Mark Lane: There is new, irrefutable evidence that the chicken did not act alone.

Gary Larson: Don't ask me. I am retired. Stan Laurel: I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

John Le Carre: Because it knew, at the core of its being where none could ever reach, that its only course of action now that its cover was blown wide open was to try and slip away into the grey, foggy, bleak evening before Smiley came, accompanied by his silent shadow Peter Guillam, asking questions for which there could never be answers.

Dr. Hannibal Lector: So I could eat its liver, with some fava beans and a nice chianti .......thththththththth.

Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken? He's into that kind of thing, you know.

Foghorn Leghorn: To get to that damn Dawg, Boah!

Gottfried Von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the road was made for it to cross.

Vladimir Lenin: It is not the chicken's road. It is the PEOPLE'S road!

David Letterman: And the No. 1 reason - fricasee!

Rush Limbaugh: Beacuse of those damn bleeding heart liberals, trying to save one stupid bird while thousands of jobs are being lost. Dave Lister: Because of the smegging space corps directives.

Any Late Evening News Anchor: The chicken crosses the road. Film at 11:00.

Abraham Lincoln: Fourscore and seven eggs ago, our forefeathers...

Logan (Law and Order): To buy a plaid tie

Jack London: To answer the call of the wild.

H.P. Lovecraft: To futilely attempt escape from the dark powers which even then pursued it, hungering after the stuff of its soul!

George Lucas: Because the Force was with it.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Marvin (the paranoid android): "Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and you ask me why the chicken crossed the road? I could tell you, but I really don't think it's worth while."

Marvin the Paranoid Android: Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and what do they ask me? Why did the chicken cross the road? As if their pathetic cerebelums could even comprehend my answer. Chickens, don't talk to me about chickens... they're SO depressing.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Karl Marx (again): To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.

Groucho Marx: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.

Groucho Marx (again): This morning I shot a chicken in my pyjamas -- and lemme tell ya, that chicken ran out of my pyjamas in a second!

Jackie Mason: Whaddaya want, it should just stand there?

Perry Mason: Cross the road you say? But how can you be sure? No one else would have known the chicken crossed the road except for the real killer!

Dr. McCoy: How should I know? Damnit Jim, I'm a Doctor not an ornithologist!

Marshall McLuhan: The Road is the Medium. The chicken is the Message!

Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.

A.A. Milne: I imagine that if I thought very hard I shouold come up with a reason. (also applicable to Winnie the Pooh)

John Milton: To justify the ways of God to men.

Indigo Montoya: It too pursues a man with six fingers on his left hand.

Michael Moriarity: To annoy Janet Reno.

Jim Morrison: To break on thruough to the other side, I am the chicken king

Ralph Nader: A chicken on a road is unsafe at any speed

Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Col. Oliver North: I do not recall any such events. I had no knowledge of these occurrences.

Peter Norton: It was a virus and it saw me coming...

Richard Nixon: That part of our conversation was accidentally erased.

George Orwell: Because Big Brother was watching to make sure that it did cross the road, although in its heart, the chicken never did.

Thomas Paine: Out of common sense.

Michael Palin: Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!

Emporer Palpatine: Foolish chicken! Only now, at the end, do you see the head-lights!

Dorothy Parker: Travel, trouble, music, art / A kiss, a frock, a rhyme / The chicken never said they fed its heart / But still they pass its time.

Patsy: Oh, F*&% the chicken. Run it over and lets have a drink.

Gen. George S. Patton: To get those yellow bellied chickens outta here.

General George S. Patton (again): The way to win a war is not to cross a road for you country. The way to win a war is to make some OTHER poor chicken cross a road for HIS COUNTRY!

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.

Frank Perdue: How the heck do I know? Do I look like a chicken to you -- don't answer that.

Marlin Perkins, on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom: Watch, as the chicken mauls Jim yet again...

H. Ross Perot: I'm crossing. I'm not crossing....

H. Ross Perot2: Crossing the road is that chickens primary concern! PRIMARY concern!

H. Ross Perot3: Chickens and roads, I'll tell ya what it means! It means 4 trillion dollars of dafficit, it means the end of our infrastructure, it means... look at this chart!

H. Ross Perot4: Let me tell ya, it's all about NAFTA. This chicken represents your job, and this road represents the Mexican border...

Jean-Luc Picard: To see what's out there.

Jean-Luc Picard (again): Because it's shields were down and it had no other options left...

Piglet: Because ch-ch-chickens are such very s-s-s-small animals.

Plato: For the greater good.

Edgar Allan Poe: Quoth the chicken,"Nevermore!"

Emily Post: When a chicken is confronted with a road, it is only proper for the chicken to stand erect, turn to face the road, look both ways and cross... remembering to send a sincere thank you letter within one month of the event.

Elvis Presley: You aint nothin' but a chicken, crossin' all the roads!

Psalms: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no road!

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What Road?

Monty Python: For Something Completely Different

Dan Quayle: "chicken" C-H-I-K-E-N "chicken"

The Red Queen: Who cares? Off with it's head!

R2D2: beep bleep be deep birp whirrrrrrrrr!

The White Rabbit: It was late!

Ayn Rand: The chicken crossed the road in order to get away from the flock that is stifling his creativity.

Ayn Rand (again): If not for the intransigently independent vision of that first chicken, none of the other chickens would have been able to cross the road. And they condemned him for his acheivement!

Ronald Reagan: I don't recall. What was the question?

Georg Friedrich Riemann: The answer appears in Dirichlet's lectures.

Pat Riley: The chicken crossed the lane in less than 3 seconds, so a "fowl" should not have been called.

Rimmer: Aliens!!!

General Jack D. Ripper: To maintain the purity of its precious bodily fluids.

Geraldo Rivera: Stay tuned as a panel of chickens reveals the shocking truth.

Tom Robbins: Well you see, that chicken was a special chicken who was a descendent of a parrot family that once built pyramids for tourist pharohs. This chicken liked the other side of the road whose shamanic whispers beckoned Anastasia, the parrot, like the popped cherry of a ritually consumated white wedding. That's the meaning of it all, baby!

Oral Roberts: He couldn't raise the $10,000,000.00 so God called him home.

Oral Roberts (again): And I said to the chicken: "Put your claw on the screen! Put your claw on the screen, upon the hand of Brother Oral, and you shall be healed. Make a love offering of $50 or more, and then touch the screen. And that chicken did put his claw on the screen. And the power of God, in his infinite wisdom and mercy, flowed through me and out through that television set, and that chicken was healed *PRAISE GOD!*. And then that chicken, stricken for so many months, rose up and walked across the road. But, since he had forgotten his love offering, God never warned him about the 30 ton semi barreling down on the crosswalk...."

Carl Sagan: To see the billions and billions of stars.

Col. Saunders: It Ran, Suh! I offered it a coating of 11 herbs and spices and it ran, Suh! So I shot it, Suh, shot it while it was trying to escape, suh!

Sappho: For the touch of your skin, the sweetness of your lips..

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: It was going back...

Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain, wi' no dilithium crystals left to speak of!

Agent Scully: There simply must be a rational, scientific explanation. Chickens don't just "cross roads"

Neddy Seagoon: WhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatWHAT?

William Shakespeare:

1: This is the road of chicken's discontent, Made ignoble abbatoir by this half-ton truck... (Richard II)

2: Bring me no more reports, let them fly all; 'Til a chicken remove to other side of road I cannot taint with fear. What is this chicken? Was he not born of hen? The spirits that know All fowl consequences have pronounced me thus: "Fear not, MacNugget; no chicken that's born of hen Shall e'er lay beak upon thee." (Macbeth)

3: If it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well It were done quickly: if the crossing Could scoot across the dotted line, and catch, Beyond passing car, sidewalk; that but these feathers Might be the be-all and end-all here, But here, at this corner of street and avenue, We'd cross at the light to come. (Macbeth)

4: To cross, or not to cross? That is the question, Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The wheels and axles of the city's mass transit Or to take flight against a sea of motorists And by opposing, end me? To cross, to peep No more! And by that peep to say we end The chickhood and the thousand fender-shocks That chicken is heir to. 'Tis a perambulation Devoutly to be wish'd. (Hamlet)

Homer Simpson: ohhhhhhhh Chicken.....

Bart Simpson: It's outta here, man!

Mrs. Slocum: Now look what you've done, there's chicken all over my pussy!

Kenneth Starr: In view of President Clinton's dealings with the Tyson Poultry Company, the matter of the chicken crossing the road is under investigation for its possible connection with the Whitewater affair.

George Steinbrenner: Because I offered him a $4 million contract.

George Steinbrenner2: Because I fired him!

George Steinbrenner3: Because he's now my new manager.

George Steinbrenner4: Because I fired him again!

Dr. Suess: See the end of this document for the full Dr. Suess version.

Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too?

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Mr. Spock: It was not logical for the chicken to do so, but I have frequently observed that the behaviour of chickens is not logical

E.E. (Doc) Smith: Your humble narrator can barely do justice to this climactic event that rent asunder the fundamental ether of space itself, as the chicken, embodying all that is good and hard and straight and keen in the Avain world, fearlessly approached, bridged, and conquered the road for Civilization.

Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Joseph Stalin: It was clearly a conspiracy. Take all the chickens out and shoot them. At Once!

John Steinbeck: The road baked in the relentless summer sun as the chicken, looking about, began to cross. It stopped occaisionally to peck at a grass seed that had become lodged in a crevice in the cracked macadam. The chicken reached the other side, then began making his way to the Salinas, which lay muddy and turgid in the July afternoon, all the while thinking of the cool shade by the river and how good the can of beans in his bedroll would taste tonight.

Ben Stone (Law and Order): Because the defendant made it, sir.

Oliver Stone: He went back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the..

Dr. Strangelove: Because it could not afford to be caught on the wrong side of the road-side gap.

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

Grand Moff Tarkin: Fear will keep the chickens in line, fear of this thoroughfare!

Tim "The Toolman" Taylor: This here bird'll cross that road in no time flat, now that I've made a few "special modifications! We've added the Binford 7100 Multi-Purpose power unit, which I've souped up by adding a United Aircraft PT-6 jet engine - Urrgh urrgh urrgh! Heidi, bring out the chicken, please....

Alfred, Lord Tennyson: So that it could sail beyond the sunset.

Old Testament: And rooster and hen were married. And rooster did begat chicken. And chicken did cross the road.

New Testament: He among you who has not crossed roads, let him cast the first egg!

Margaret Thatcher: There was simply no alternative!

Theodoric of York, the Medievil Barber: Because of an imbalance of bodily humors caused by an elf or small toad living in the chicken's stomach. What this fowl needs is a good bleeding. Dylan Thomas: To not go (sic) gentle into that good night.

Hunter S. Thompson: Why the &*%$#@ not?

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Tiggr: Because that's what chickens do best!

Tiggr: (again) That's the wonderful thing about Chickens, Chasing Chickens is FUN FUN FUN, And the Wonderful thing about Chickens Is that when crossing streets they RUN!

Tim, the Enchanter: It's got wings that... and a beak that... good god man, look at the bones!

Brian Tobin (new premier of Newfoundland): It followed the cod....

J.R.R. Tolkein: The chicken, sunlight coruscating off its radiant yellow- white coat of feathers, approached the dark, sullen asphalt road and scrutinized it intently with its obsidian-black eyes. Every detail of the thoroughfare leapt into blinding focus: the rough texture of the surface, over which count- less tires had worked their relentless tread through the ages; the innumerable fragments of stone embedded within the lugubrious mass, perhaps quarried from the great pits where the Sons of Man labored not far from here; the dull black asphalt itself, exuding those waves of heat which distort the sight and bring weakness to the body; the other attributes of the great highway too numerous to give name.

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Anthony Trollope: Why, to avoid Mrs. Proudy and Mr. Slope, of course.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Darth Vader: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

George Washington: I cannot tell a lie. I was going to chop it with my little axe, so it crossed the road.

Mae West: 'Cause I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

Jerry White: Why does a chicken cross the road only half-way? So she can lay it on the line.

Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.

Robert Anton Wilson: Because agents of the Ancient Illuminated Roosters of Cooperia were controlling it with their Orbital Mind-Control Lasers as part of their master plan to take over the world's egg production.

Major Charles Emerson Winchester, the Third: What do you two-bit quacks know about chickens? Did you learn about them in medical school, or did you just read the comic book?

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Wittgenstein #2: There are indeed things that cannot be put into words. They make themselves manifest. They are what is mystical.

Wittgenstein #3: What we cannot explain we must pass over in silence.

Tom Wolfe: Kesey, muscles rippling under his shirt, a mysterious smile on his face, surrounded by the Merry Pranksters, placed the chicken at the road's edge. The chicken paused at the edge of the road, looking this way and that, and then rending the air with a tremendous, "ba-BAAWWWWKKK!" bolted across the road, its disheveled wings flapping uselessly about, leaving a trail of feathers and dander that, whenever two-ton chromium steel, 300 horsepower tail-finned symbols of Detroit's and America's supremacy passed, would swirl in a miniature version of a cyclone like the ones Mr. and Mrs. America see on the TV news every evening when he's come home from work and she's setting the table for dinner, both only half paying attention to the cyclones that devastate midwestern cow towns on sweltering summer afternoons. And the heat, dander, tornados, asphalt, tail-fins and the sweat of Mr. and Mrs. America as they move mechanically in their daily routine like the figurines in one of those huge medieval clocks on some cathedral in some European town, moving in the same way, every hour on the hour, it was all summed up by the "ba-BAAWWWWKKK!" of a scampering chicken accompanied by the "skritch, skritch" of its feet.

William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect in tranquility.

Mr. Worf: I do not know, Klingon chickens do NOT cross the road.

Molly Yard: It was a hen!

Yoda: Crossing the road makes not a chicken great

Henny Youngman: Take this chicken ... please.

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

STAR TREK CHICKENS CROSS THE ROAD TOO

Chakotay: Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.

Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But--if you can catch it, I can cook it.

Riker: I don't know why, but I do know how: with pleasure, sir.

Garak: To get to the other side? Of course not! Do you realize how ridiculous that is? I'm sure it was a simple matter of its farmer expelling it from the coop for...embezzling eggs.

Odo: I don't have the slightest idea--and I don't particularly care...but then, I've never understood you ornithoids' need to engage in such pointless behavior.

Quark: Now really, why would I have bribed him to do it so I could make a tidy profit in the station pool? Besides, all I know is that chicken tastes just like tube grubs.

Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer.

O'Brien: Well, it's nothing a good pint or two won't fix.

Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?

V'Ger: To join with the Creator.

Sulu: To get back to San Franciso; it was born there.

Troi: It was running...running away from...no, escaping...oh, Captain, it was fleeing from such -pain-!

Kira: I bet those damn Cardassians were after it!

Picard: Dammit, that's not for us to answer! It's his fundamental right as a sentient being to determine the time and manner by which he travels towards his goals!

Dr. Bashir: I suppose it wanted to play some darts.

The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing! (Inconceivable!)

Sisko: I don't care -why- it was crossing the road! All I want to know is -why- it left the coop! So it wanted to "get to the other side"--there is only -so far- that my tolerance will go!

Barclay: Uh, chicken?!! Where?!!! C-c-c-ommander, did I ever mention my problem with small feathered things?

Gul Dukat: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction.

The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. It will be assimilated.

Hugh the Borg: Maybe it wanted to be my friend.

Geordi: Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll be there in an hour or two--but any later, and it'll be absolutely impossible for it to make it.

Jake: To check out the babe that just came off that transport!

Gene Roddenberry: To boldly go where no chicken had gone before.

Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them!

Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and...

B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the [BEEP] regulations of [BEEP] Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!

Worf: I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.

Spock: Fasincating, Captain, it seems driven by a beam of pure energy.

HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here! I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew! All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off!

Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of...yes, sir.

Sarek: Sometimes my logic fails me where chickens are concerned.

Dax: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue,and then there's...

Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.

Dr. Crusher: Maybe since he couldn't make the other side to get to him, -he- had to get to the other side....

Dr. Soran: His heart just wasn't in it. (Scenes of chicken torture with nanoprobes have been edited out.)

Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.

Charlie X: Because it didn't want to STAY...STAY...STAY...

Kirk: You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD, you killed...my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....youkilledmy...son!

Bones: Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!

Tasha: That depends...was it fully functional?

Chekov: It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time..did I scream this time?

Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken...

Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission.

Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing.

Harvey Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.

Crewman in red suit: "Captain, this chicken seems to have crossed the AAARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock, I fixed you your favorite Vulcan plomeek and chicken soup!

Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc!

Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog.

Dr. Suess:

Would you, could you cross the street On your two small chicken feet?

I would not, could not cross the street On my two small chicken feet. Across the road I will not scram Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in Japan To flee Godzilla and Rodan

Not in Japan Godzilla and Rodan I would not, could not cross the street On my two small chicken feet. Across the road I will not scram Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross the road and cluck And jump to avoid the speeding truck?

Not with a cluck to avoid a truck Not in Japan Godzilla and Rodan I would not, could not cross the street On my two small chicken feet Across the road I will not scram Even though a fowl I am.

Would you hop across the road As though you were a garden toad?

Not across the road as though a toad Not with a cluck to avoid a truck Not in Japan Godzilla and Rodan I would not could not cross the street On my two small chicken feet. Across the road I will not scram Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in the night Lit by passing car headlight?

Not in the night With car headlight Not across the road As though a toad Not with a cluck To avoid a truck Not in Japan Godzilla and Rodan I would not could not cross the street On my two small chicken feet. Across the road I will not scram Even though a fowl I am.

Please dear chicken give it a try For across the road you can not fly.

Alright! Alright! I'll give it a try For it is true, chickens can't fly. Hey! It's not bad, infact it's neat! I truly love to cross the street. Across the road I LOVE to scram. I cross the road, a fowl I am.

#AnimalJokes #ChickenJokes #jokesonfamouspeople

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johnnymundano · 5 years

Text

Phantom of Death (1988) (AKA Off Balance)

Directed by Ruggero Deodato

Screenplay by Gianfranco Clerici, Vincenzo Mannino and Gigliola Battaglini

Story by Gianfranco Clerici and Vincenzo Mannino

Music by Pino Donnagio

Country: Italy

Running Time: 90 minutes

CAST

Michael York as Robert Dominici

Donald Pleasence as Inspector Datti

Edwige Fenech as Helene Martell

Mapi Galan as Susanna

Fabio Sortar as Davide

Renato Cortesi as Agent Marchi

Antonella Ponziani as Gloria Datti

Carola Stagnaro as Dr. Carla Pesenti

Daniele Brado as Dr. Vanni

Caterina Boratto as Robert's mother

Ruggero Deodato as man at train station who lights cigarette and then gets on the back of his girlfriend’s scooter

Phantom of Death is a giddily entertaining Italian horror muddle with far more serious themes than one might reasonably expect from director Ruggero Deodato, the man known as “The Cannibal King”. My legal advisers have urged me to specify that this isn’t because Ruggero Deodato is actually the ruler of a bunch of people eaters, but because he directed Last Cannibal World (1977) and Cannibal Holocaust (1980), both of which were hugely successful and are still cited today as significant influences on horror. (This doesn’t mean they are any good, mind.) Phantom of Death takes on a far more universal horror than going into a jungle and being turned into pulled long pork by cannibals; the fear of ageing and also the horror of realising you’ve run out of time to stop being a dick and actually do something worthwhile with your life.

When the movie opens fantastic pianist Robert Dominici (Michael York) is definitely a dick. Robert revels in the adoration which comes with looking like Michael York and playing the piano by moving your shoulders and making intense faces while keeping your hands hidden. Unfortunately he revels in it to the detriment of his personal interactions. He’s a bit of a dick with the chicks, basically. Time is of the essence both in life and in Phantom of Death, so it doesn’t hang about; opening with Robert’s public tinkling of the ivories intercut with the stalking and slashing of a young woman. Yes, because this is a 1980’s Italian horror movie and so some maniac is going around slashing young women to death. Quicker than you can say “Liberace” the roster of victims expands to include Robert’s girlfriend. Unfortunately for Robert not only do the police led by Inspector Datti (Donald Pleasence) find him stood over her gory corpse, but earlier the pair had had a tiff. It seems pretty clear then that Phantom of Death will be a giallo, and Robert is odds on to be our typically ill-equipped sleuth. Yes, given the way Phantom of Death has gone thus far viewers could very well be forgiven for expecting a choppily edited, intrusively scored, minor giallo, notable mostly for the amount of blood it thinks a human neck can spurt and the presence of Michael York, Donald Pleasence and Edwige Fenech. Which would be fine by me, but Phantom of Death has other, higher ideas. If you’d rather be surprised by them then stop reading NOW.

It should be borne in mind at all times that any praise from hereonin is directed at a movie directed by someone called The Cannibal King; a movie that most normal people would dismiss as “godawful bloody nonsense” (as my Life Partner has opined of my viewing choices on numerous occasions). But if you are okay with the peculiar charms of the Italian horror movies of the 1970s and 1980s (or Christ-like in your tolerance for their failings) then Phantom of Death may be right up your (dimly lit) alley. Particularly impressive is the conviction with which it sets up the viewer to expect a giallo. The opening itself is a suave misdirection in the true giallo style; the two events, piano playing and lady slaying, are not occurring simultaneously, but you naturally assume they are. Then, and it’s quite ballsy this, Robert is given a personal reason to pursue the killer when he is found by the police at the scene of his girlfriend’s murder. He can’t possibly be the murder because it would be to obvious, you think. You think wrong. Admittedly Phantom of Death doesn’t let you think wrong for long, it soon makes it clear what’s going on, because it needs to start the real business of the movie; positioning Robert as a tragic killer, himself the victim of a killer, the disease progeria (AKA Hutchinson-Gilford progeria syndrome).

Now, I’m not a medical professional but I’m going to assume that Phantom of Death takes a little (cough!) artist licence and that progeria itself doesn’t usually cause irresistible homicidal impulses. It’s probably hard to tell since in the real world it manifests in children, who, sadly, usually fail to reach the age of 13. As well as the symptoms required by a 1980s Italian horror movie, Robert also experiences the more usual symptoms of progeria which resemble rapid aging, with death resulting from heart ailments or strokes. Robert’s basically got the real world equivalent of Methuselah Syndrome from Blade Runner (1982) but on fast forward. No wonder he goes a bit loopy. When he isn’t killing women and playing cat and mouse with an increasingly distraught Inspector Datti, Robert indulges in the maudlin activities familiar from many serious Oscar® winning Sad Disease movies. He visits his first love for a bittersweet reminiscence, mournfully watches from afar a child afflicted with the selfsame disease, adopts a stray dog and talks to it soulfully about how tragic is his fate to be trapped in this afflicted cage of flesh. Amusingly though, this isn’t a serious Oscar® winning Sad Disease movie, no, it’s a 1980s Italian horror movie and so his first love is a hooker who he visits while dressed as The Phantom of The Opera, and the reunion is ruined by her violent death at his hands; the stricken child is obviously a fully grown dwarf in shorts playing with a ball. The fact that any soulfulness at all is evident under all this silliness is entirely thanks to Michael York.

The (doubtful) success of Phantom of Death is aided no end by Deodata’s cast being topped by two Legends; the insanely watchable Donald Pleasence and plummy voiced ‘70/’80s heart throb Michael York. York, normally cast as a bland lump, is pretty great here; obviously relishing the chance to do some acting for once. He evidently recognises it’s a gift of a role; even if it is wrapped in the ostentatiously crazed genre trappings and poor editing of a 1980s Italian horror movie. As the young, handsome Robert, York is in his element wallowing in the feminine attention but surprisingly, as Robert gets older, more scared and ever madder York’s performance keeps pace. It’s possible he might be overdoing it, but since he’s acting from inside steadily accumulating layers of 1980s prosthetic face make-up and a pair of fake brown teeth any hamminess is muted, leaving only a bizarrely touching performance.

Donald Pleasence, as Inspector Datti, gets less to do but manfully struggles to forge a character from some pretty dull dialogue. He is a charmingly concerned father to his daughter and a determined hunter of the mystery killer. When Robert’s increasingly deranged telephonic harassment of the cop expands to include his beloved daughter, Datti’s compartmentalised roles collide and Pleasence revels in the slow burn to full blown mania. One of the finest cinematic sights of my life has been seeing Donald Pleasence spinning round a shopping plaza yelling “I kill you! I kill you! Bastard! Kill you! Fucking Bastard! Bastard!” Thank you, Phantom of Death. No thanks though for under-using Edwige Fenech. Yes, gialllo regular Edwige Fenech is also here, speaking English in her own voice for once; but she is more of a niche attraction as she doesn’t have much to do. Obviously, what she does do she does with the usual effortless Fenech panache. Regally sporting terrible, shoulder padded ‘80s styles is the bulk of her role, but she’s mostly there to get pregnant with Robert’s child and so give the climax some emotional resonance among all the screaming and stumbling about. Not many movies end with a savage fight between an arthritic old man and a heavily pregnant woman, but Phantom of Death dares to go there.

Despite initially looking like a run of the mill giallo, Phantom of Death opts instead to try an allegorical rumination on the inescapable nightmare of senescence that awaits those of us who don’t die young. Fret not though, all this high mindedness is done in a relentlessly tasteless fashion. And no serious fan of 1980s Italian horror movies would want it otherwise.

#Phantom of Death #Off Balance #Movies #Giallo #Ruggero Deodato #Michael York #Edwige Fenech #Donald Pleasence #Italy #Horror #1988 #The 1980s

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