#give me your fucking characters erins

[bonefall]

Adding onto that I fully believe the blood will spill blood prophecy was the lamest one, I don’t see why it was necessary other than for the cool factor? Which is fine and all but even then it wasn’t even that impactful, Starclan had no reason to give it to Leafpool of all cats even then

You know what should have happened?

Brambleclaw should have gotten the prophecy lmao. He should have known, the entire time, from the very moment that he started training in the Dark Forest, that Blood Will Spill Blood.

He should get into a huge fight with Tawnypelt, he should keep his eyes trained on Tigerstar, he should always be questioning who it would be, and what would make him finally snap. Would it be the sister who abandoned him? Would he be known as the demon killer? He who struggled with legacy and let his bloodline bleed dry?

Or would Tigerstar convince him in the end to turn against his sister and what she had done to him?

Never even considering the thought that it would be Hawkfrost. The one who sought him out, and stayed by his side, held his paw and walked through hell with him.

The dawning realization in that final moment, seeing Firestar, the cat he considered his real father, trapped and writhing and helpless. "No... no no no!"

Knows how this will end, where this is going, the sunset already turning the lake red behind them. Hawkfrost is offering him a choice; but there's only one answer.

[okthatsgreat]

did anybody see the newest episode of danganronpa 52 lollllllll

#there is something deeply wrong with team dr im afraid #A DEATH SO SOON JESUSSSSSS where was the ult cardiologist at......... #dr52 liveblog #dr52 spoilers #lee chat

5 notes

🐻 dangronper Follow

Gonna try getting into the new season lol, I stopped watching at season 37. No spoilers please

🐻 dangronper Follow

Okay wow a lot has changed! Everything is so high tech now??? I kinda miss when they just kept it more simple and had them all locked in a school ngl but maybe thats just me liking season 1 lol. Im really liking Jiro so far Im hoping he at least makes it to chapter 3 because I really wanna know more about that guy

🐻 dangronper Follow

You've gotta be kidding.

#CHAPTER ONE? HE DIED CHAPTER ONE? #THIS IS WHY I HATE ALL OF THE NEW SEASONS SO FUCKIGN BAD #THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT SHOCK VALUE AND THEY DONT CARE ABOUT STORY #THAT DEATH MAKES NO SENSE THERE ARE YOU ACTUALLY JOKING #Im logging off.

4 notes

💀 youvegotthatrite Following

12,433 notes

🫖 nagitosleftleg Follow

just a reminder that wishing death on any of the danganronpa writers makes you a terrible person and all of your favorite danganronpa characters hate you if you do that! 🤗 this is danganronpa so a lot of them will die 🤗 that doesnt mean you get to be a dickhead to team dr 🤗 get over it! 🤗

🍳 naeggieggin Follow

oh my god can anybody in this fandom just be normal and not use this weird passive aggressive tone for every single post. the writers do not give less of a fuck and neither do the actors theyre all dealing with their own shit

#i hate this fandom istg. and stop calling them characters the flashback light doesnt make them entirely fake #theyre still actual people #with feelings #danganronpa 52

769 notes

🍀luckyguy Follow

this is NOT what ultimate hope makoto naegi would have wanted

#dr52 spoilers #lucky student killed first chapter <;/3 #shut up you [txt]

4,013 notes

🔧 sorryiwasbornstupid Follow

kazuichi sighted in the new post-season promo video he looks so g.ood .... . id let him do anything to me

🌸 neverminded Following

@kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial @kazuichisodaofficial

🔧 sorryiwasbornstupid Follow

HELLO?

34 notes

🔪 danganronpa Following

Puhuhu! New episode of DANGANRONPA 52 out TODAY at 1pm JST! Make sure to bring your popcorn and your bagels, this episode sure gets.... despairful 👀You won't wanna miss it!

🍀luckyguy Follow

K

🔱 ultscubafan Follow

U

🎆 chickencoopexplosion Follow

N

🫖 nagitosleftleg Follow

G

🎸 lightmusicplayer Following

P

9,012 notes

🍳 naeggieggin Follow

can early season purists please get their heads out of nagito komaedas ass. he does not want to fuck you

106 notes

🎞️ kirigiririririri Follow

Waiittttt Jiro is so cute actually XD He keeps tripping over his shoelaces in the background of scenes LOL he's so smol ..............

🎞️ kirigiririririri Follow

I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF

#he's DEAD?????????????????????????????????

2 notes

🍳 naeggieggin Follow

keep in mind the danganronpa actors are still real people and they can see all of you thirsting over them ok. please be normal. just because they went through the effects of the flashback light doesnt mean its ok to be a fucking weirdo to hajime whenever he walks outside

🧊 kokoroicebox Follow

They're celebrities. People are going to find celebrities attractive, especially if these are people they see on screens and billboards every day. If you pick up the nearest magazine you find you're probably going to find Junko Enoshima in it. And maybe you should consider that those "weirdos" who are walking up to Hajime are simply fans that want to greet him. We've watched these people fight through hell, cry, laugh, and find hope along the way. Of course we are going to get attached to them, especially to those of us who have been keeping up with them for a long time now. You're basically asking a bunch of teenagers to close their eyes and pretend their favorite media doesn't exist.

🍳 naeggieggin Follow

i literally did not say that

🌀 cageofdeath Follow

have you maybe ever considered that maybe some people get hyperfixations??

🍳 naeggieggin Follow

oh my fucking god.

🎸 lightmusicplayer Following

anybody in this thread smoke weed

1,034 notes

🍊 hinataorangejuice Follow

OKKKKK WAIT WHY IS RANTARO KINDA 👀👀👀

#the way he got so serious while investigating.............. #wasnt a huge fan of him at the start but he's growing on me lowkey #dr52 #danganronpa 52 #dr52 #orange speaks!

29 notes

💀 youvegotthatrite Following

JIROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

#FUFUUUCUCKKCKCCKKKCKKCKC I REALLY LIEKD HIM!!!3!@!#(!# #FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK #ORUUGH WHY COULDNT HAVE BEEN MOMO #dr52 lb

8 notes

🍧minimarruuuu Follow

no chapter 1 death is ever gonna beat sayaka imo #girl

#it just really started the series off so well and no other chapter 1 victim has impressed me tbh #ugh but idk shes kinda annoying now with all of her interviewssss like girl its ok to not smile sometimes lmfao #sayaka maizono #dr52 critical #maru.txt

11 notes

🎸 lightmusicplayer Following

guy ists ok hes not actually dead hes just sleeping guys

#guys #danganronpa 52 #danganronpa 52 spoilers #<- ??? just in case

🔍 kirigiri Following

a

🍊 hinataorangejuice Follow

ok queen speak your truth i guess

🌸 neverminded Following

THIS MIGHT BE A CLUE THIS MGIHT BE A CLUE TO JIROS KILLER IM LOOKIGNGGGGG SO HARD AT AKEMI RIGHT NOW

🎆 chickencoopexplosion Follow

i think she might have just accidentally posted a draft lol

🌸 neverminded Following

I dont know............. team dr has done this before where they leave littel clues in places and this seems a little TOO coincidental

🔍 kirigiri Following

I hit the post button too early.

🌸 neverminded Following

KYOKO KIRIGIRI?

43,033 notes

🐰monomini Follow

okkkkk im kinda over rantaro already lmao. heres hoping we dont get another season of him

1 note

[cheecats]

Ive got an opinion to be rated!

Spottedleaf’s Heart could have been a genuinely good book and helped teach kids some warning signs of what predatory relationships look like, if the topic had been handled with the care it deserves

give me your warriors opinions for rating [x]

strongly agree | agree | neutral | disagree | strongly disagree

I think so! Unfortunately I genuinely do not think the Erins are capable of crafting such a narrative.

Mfw you could've made a strong cautionary tale but instead you made the adult characters communicate important messages like dogshit with the child protag and, AT BEST, just made an uncomfortable experience for readers whilst fucking up your past villain who had merit as one of the few morally gray villains in the series. At worst? You gave the wrong messages to your child readers in their potential first impression of grooming in a narrative. Also, you know what else is shit? Putting an (even more) insidious angle on said child protag in her main series appearance as an adult ghost hanging around the protag who had feelings for her when he was a child. Sorry Spottedleaf they did you so dirty bbruh 💀

[rookflower]

extended thoughts on ivypool's heart preview

honestly enjoying how messy ivypool is this book so far. she's a character i have mixed feelings on (i like her more than dislike her i'd say but i don't care that much and she frustrates me a lot) but the way she doesn't have her shit together through her grief is pretty interesting and touching and i hope it's as intentional as i'm reading it as. straight up telling her sister "well my daughter is deader than your son is so you wouldn't get it" is Fucking Horrible but also within the warriors universe where the presence of starclan is always a comfort that dilutes the impact of death then... yeah, that's an interesting and in-character way for her to be feeling about this!!

antpelt mention ! i like that they drew into that parallel and i hope they get more out of it.

i like how the little adventure group setting off is all characters who can bounce off of ivypool in some meaningful way and we're not bringing fucking crowfeather or something

concerned that the narrative throughline of this book is going to loop back into "the Clans are the most important things in life after all <3" because of how they specifically cited ivypool's apathy about her clan and ughhhh sighhhh yeah you sure do like crawling back to that shitty and questionable status quo you like to pretend isn't dogshit every time don't you warrior cats.

the cats thinking about Symbols and Human-Made Imagery and Art is funny

some of the dialogue is really weird but i think warrior cats dialogue is just really weird in general sometimes, especially when they're in exposition delivery mode, so whatever

fernsong is the king of the bare minimum and "tell don't show" when it comes to this parenting thing it's so funny. erins you CANNOT pat yourself on the back for this one you had ONE CHARACTER be a "more involved dad than usual" and you dont even SHOW IT you just awkwardly mention it.

i still really wanna find out what the mystery creatures are. i got it in my head that it's parrots for some reason even though that's a completely random pull that absolutely isn't happening in a million years. expecting a big cat or maybe something to do with midnight

i'm expecting this book to bring bristlefrost back from double death somehow but that's boring

i'm not expecting this book to kill off ivypool but if they do i wouldn't complain. i really hope they give her a decent send off if so though.

[skelelephant]

i cant remember if you talked about this before but i think youve mentioned it before?? can you discuss your thoughts on griff's head scar and his relationship with wolfstan i cant seem to remember where you discussed it. definitely not

HI WOW THANK YOU TOTALLY ANONYMOUS USER FOR THIS QUESTION

I’m SO glad you asked I have so many thoughts on this. SPOILERS FOR BLACK DEATH (2010) UNDER THE CUT. PLEASE (please) WATCH THE MOVIE THEN COME BACK

The cool thing about Black Death is that it gives you juuuuuuust enough hints about the connections between its characters but never actually lays anything out so you’re left to piece together things based on context clues alone (did you know Osmund and Averil were childhood friends? Because until I watched the behind the scenes content on the DVD I Didn’t Either)

But ANYWAY. We’re here to talk about Griff and Wolfstan

(One of my favourite shots of my pretty princess <3 also you can see the scar really well here)

Their relationship is one that’s so fascinating to me (obviously) but is also so very brief within the movie as a whole. Griff’s total screen time is like. Maybe 10 minutes if you’re being generous with shots where he’s in the background. It’s Fucking Dire Out Here.

But first things first. We’re introduced to Griff and Wolfstan as a pair. Dalywag, Mold, and Ivo all get their own separate introductory shots, (and obviously we’ve met Swire and Ulrich by this point). But Wolfstan and Griff are continually referred to as a pair. In the first scene we meet them and Wolfstan jokes “God has no men left, He sends us a boy” he’s directing that joke at Griff. He’s looking at Griff when he says it. Already we’re lead to believe these men are familiar with each other

“Erin how does this relate to Griff’s scar?” I hear you asking.

WELL.

The first real juicy piece of character information we’re given about these two comes from Swire, when he tells Osmund how he spent time in the King’s army with Wolfstan and Griff. This information is delivered along with a shot of the two of them bringing up the rear of their company, watching over their shoulders for any approaching threats.

So. We’ve now learned that these two were soldiers together. And now, after the war, they find themselves travelling as hired muscle under the command of a holy man. (I’ve made a post about how I interpret the relationship between the Company and Ulrich, so I won’t get into that here. But you can read it if you want.)

So. Where does that leave Griff’s scar?

Well it’s never actually addressed at all in canon, it’s not even acknowledged. It’s just a character detail that has no bearing on the story at all.

So. This is where we get into my own interpretation and headcanon.

I think Griff and Wolfstan were close even back in the army— pointedly never intimate but skirting the line CLOSE— and Griff sustained a critical head injury during one of the battles. A wound like that would certainly threaten a man’s life, and if he managed to survive it he would likely never hold a sword again. So Griff is dead weight, and this is a war zone. And my THEORY IS: in order to make sure Griff was able to recover from his injury, Wolfstan deserted the army and took Griff with him. Forfeiting any sort of glory or honour from the battles they’d been a part of, but at least they’d be together.

Wolfstan is the reason Griff survived and in the years that followed he helped Griff relearn the motor function he’d lost, including how to wield a blade. (Griff barely draws his blade in the movie so I think he’s still not as confident as he once was, but he can fight again!) Also during that time where Griff was in recovery the two of them finally broke down and got together. So by the time the events of the movie come around they’re well involved with each other.

So you can IMAGINE how this adds heartbreak to the scene where Griff finally succumbs to the plague and Wolfstan has to be the one to kill him. After fighting so hard to keep Griff alive, in the end it was just borrowed time, and Wolfstan has to end his life all the same. (I made a post rambling about this specific scene as well! Smile)

You know that Margaret Mead quote that gets tossed around a lot about how “the first sign of civilization was a healed femur”? I think Griff’s scar is a sign that someone once cared enough to save him. And I think that someone was Wolfstan.

Anyway! I need to go collapse into a heap about them again. Dear fucking god. Please talk to me more about this movie PLEASE. I could talk about it for ages.

[hoodlander]

Finally finished Season 4.

My thoughts:

Karl Urban looking fine as fuck even though Butcher is supposed to be dying.

And Colby Minifie is looking hot as hell this season, not sure what it is.

Overall, a strong finale.

The writing for the entire season has been all over the place though. If there was ever an argument for going back to the 22 episode seasons - this is it.

So many heel-turns that happened too fast.

And I felt like half the season sacrificed good writing for stupid shock value gags. Shocking scenes should have a place in the narrative, but not just added to try and shock the audience for no reason.

I love Hughie. I really love him. He was going through it this season. I am disappointed in Kripke and the other writers for thinking the Tek Knight stuff was funny and not seeing it for what it was. That is was the same thing that Deep did to Annie in S1. I am disgusted when male SA is not taken seriously in media.

And then the triple whammy with the shifter. Hughie needs a damn break.

I think Erin Moriarty did an amazing job with shifter!Annie though. She was brilliant to watch.

Frenchie and Kimiko’s storylines this season made little sense to me and didn’t progress their characters. I’m glad the writer’s back tracked the ‘platonic soulmates’ thing and made Frenchie/Kimiko genuinely happen. If you want to do platonic that’s fine, but not after what they went through for 3 seasons and how they behaved with each other. Glad that was rectified.

I love MM. And A-Train’s redemption arc was the strongest arc of the season for me. It was the best written imo.

The Deep has wanted to be BFF’s with Homelander since S1. Loved seeing him doubling down on getting that friendship bracelet. RIP Ambrosius. She was the one Deep. She truly, truly loved you you stupid fuck.

I like Firecracker, she is interesting. Having her doing things for Homelander out of gratitude and respect instead of attraction was very refreshing. And I love how she and Deep are Homelander’s Ride or Dies. Whenever I see the three of them together all I see are Regina George, Gretchen Wieners, and Karen Smith.

New Noir is baby. Love him. As much as I miss Old Noir, this was a good way to progress the character and give Nathan Mitchell more to do. Loved his fight with the Boys as they reacted to him flying and talking.

Sage is fantastic. I love her. And her final scene with Homelander was brilliant. Like, yes girl come get your sad murder chihuahua he needs to go back in your purse.

And finally…

Grace really be making Homelander look like a #1 Dad.

Great idea, threatening arguably the second most powerful supe on the planet with imprisonment. I feel like she expected Ryan to be as easily radicalized as Billy. Then didn’t know how to handle his need for space. Like, kid just got a bomb dropped on him and needs to think. She couldn’t even give him that.

Whereas Homelander lets him go after their fights. He gives him space. And so far, he has shown Ryan genuine affection as much as he is capable of giving. If Ryan does go back to him in S5, which I think he will, Homelander will accept him back but then have to deal with some hard questions.

Ryan lashing out at Grace was expected honestly. She was going to gas him. He was already emotionally charged. He didn’t look happy or sad after her death. And if Billy only sees Ryan as Becca’s son if he kills Homelander then his love comes with conditions.

Grace and Butcher both fucked up.

Billy killing Victoria and putting his faith in the virus was short-sighted on his part. Vic could have helped them with the long game.

And ultimately the supe virus is a temporary genocide.

A virus only works when it has something to infect. If it kills every supe then Vought just needs to wait a few years to make sure the virus is gone and then start dosing more babies. And the cycle starts again. Vought could potentially find a vaccine for the virus as well.

The thing The Boys have to destroy is Compound V. And every Vought scientist that can recreate it by memory.

As long as Compound V exists there will always be Supes.

[wc-confessions]

I have a few,, that are on my mind, so im just gonna put them here

I wish the Erins actually went in depth about why Frecklewish's status in StarClan was changed. that would have been SO COOL to see if maybe she was framed, or maybe Mapleshade trapped her there, or maybe she was just annoying in StarClan and knowing StarClan they just banished her without a second thought. none of this wishy-washy "oh well she didnt do anything when the river was flooded, its not like that would have just added another dead body into the mix ig idk", yeah she's a character that has done some things that are not morally right but she doesnt get excited when kits die ffs.

I like seeing Mapleshade, she's our only long-standing female villain and it makes me really happy to see her. except when she's with thistleclaw. I hope she mauled him to death in the dark forest when she found out about Spottedpaw.

I wish warriors had more non-conforming characters. characters that directly challenged leaders and didnt give a fuck about clan order. SkyClan is really cool to me for that because they have weird names, have an interesting new role that would be so helpful in the other clans, and they just... I love them. I also love Squirrelflight because she fights Brambleclaw about all his shitty decisions. fuck anyone who says that she was in the wrong for that, Brambleclaw needs to get his act together.

Erins stop getting young female characters together with older male ones i will eat your shoelaces.

it always confuses me when people say spottedleaf continued thistleclaws cycle of abuse because like... in the books where she was alive, she barely talked to Firestar. like... the rest of it was a retcon. a dumb retcon that made her look creepy but a retcon at that. she didnt at all show any affection towards firestar. they were like coworkers.

I wish we had more cats that were a) willingly healers and b) were EVIL healers. IMAGINE THE POTENTIAL...

I hate to admit this but for some really odd reason I do like LeafCrow. not in the "oh hes done nothing wrong!!" idea, but because I have this really specific fanon idea of Crow in my brain that's just... idk, i have no idea why i like it, idk why i like crow, mothpool is better, but its just in my brain and it wont go away.

i liked bluestars prophecy, squirrelflights hope, and yellowfangs secret. maybe its because i read them when i was a little younger and i have an attachment to the characters but minus sandstorms comment in SH that ruined my perception of her I liked reading them. Yay bluestar being a character thats mentally ill and has had a pattern of this thats really really relatable, yay squirrelflight fighting brambleclaw and choosing what's right, YAY yellowfang, just yay yellowfang.

and finally, transmasc Hollyleaf and transfem Lionblaze. i love them dearly.

.

[askuemki]

ranting about WCUE

I have ALOT of (maybe) unnecessary grudges with so many things abt WCUE. I love reading rants, so I'll as might as well put out my own too. To the people (probably most of my followers) who don't know what the game is, basically it's a children's game on Roblox based off of the book series Warrior Cats, by Erin Hunter. I apologize in advance, there may be some lingo you may not understand.

So WCUE has been my comfort game for many, many years. Partly, it's my childhood and it's just a game I can just go and chill. Make silly cats without working my ass off on drawing. But when I want to actually go and try and join a clan? Have fun roleplaying a little? (I'll admit, it's a fun thing from time to time.) Every. Single. Fucking. clan. Never manages to keep itself up. It takes SO LONG to set things up. To get the right people. It'll take hours for a clan to get running. And for what? For people to sit in the clearing? For your complicated "fun" plots to fall flat? I don't get being picky. Sure, you want your major roles to have experience, to know their shit. But if you keep yearning for that one miss perfect medicine cat who knows all of the out of game herbs? Bullshit. Major roles are here to have fun too, not to just manage. It's so frustrating whenever I want to be a leader, or a medic and to have 1000's of kids yapping at my toes. You're expected to babysit. To do their wishes. You only matter as a major because you're needed. Something else with these "experienced roleplays" is the cliques. People form friend groups, that's natural. But if it's a game where people are SUPPOSED to chat and cooperate, what's the point if you don't include them too? Those prophecy plots? It's only fun if you're the main character. People who join later are confused, or you get shoved into the back. And when the rules are established? NOBODY upholds them after 10 minutes. I'm tired of seeing people sitting in the clearing, or moping around alone. I'll admit I'm quite guilty sitting by myself, but at some point you'll need to get thing going with one or more people. You'll eventually get demotivated from loneliness. Another thing, "exp" people. (Or cats, per say.) It frustrates me to see people using these unnecessarily lengthy words to describe something. Incandescent, tarsal bones, premolars, dentations, all of that bullshit-you don't need those words when people can't even understand you. Recently, I got some real good advice from a mentor. Good writing doesn't involve using these long words. If they aren't in your everyday vocabulary? Just don't. Don't use them. You come off as arrogant and show offish. (Unless that's how you intend to display yourself.) Good writing involves clarity, making things CLEAR for other people. Instead of using words only Shakespear would use, why not describe your surroundings in your descriptions? Other cats? Going in depth with thoughts? If you want to go the route where you're using complicated vocabulary, at least research the words you want to use. Again, I'm guilty for this phase.

My partner was telling me about how she was auditioning for medic, and the person auditioning posted this question: "What herb tastes tangy and bitter?" (or something of the like.) It was yarrow. At least according to a quick search- it's supposed to taste like licorice. I'm convinced clan founders auditioning medics are making shit up. What herb is this? What herb is that? The more "experienced" players lean towards out of game herbs, and it gives an unfair advantage for players wanting that role. I don't have time in my day to study herbs like I'm studying for my exams. The "unexperienced" players (maybe this can also be for everyone) have problems too, I'm not going to just complain about the veteran members. HARASSMENT. There's those people who shoo spectators away like pests. It's a public server. It isn't YOUR clan, let them exist. It pisses me off when they're so abrupt and arrogant about it. If you ask? Maybe they'd be more willing to move away. It also sucks when there is a valid roleplay with specific lore, and (agreeable) rules to follow, and people insert themselves like they're the main character. No, SpeckledPelt you can't have the leader role just because you equipped the icon. No BloodBush (fuck you, specifically), you wanted to join the clan; don't boss the host around when they're trying to set things up for you. I miss the WCUE where we didn't have to be so choosey about the people we appoint for roles. I miss the WCUE where we can be silly and fun, without having to feel sophisticated. Sure maybe the name "MochaHeart" is a little wacky, but at least they're doing their best to roleplay. To have fun.

[jflemings]

Any chance we can get a sneak peek on what rascal or flower fairy are going to be about 👀

ask and you shall receive ;)

here’s some small snippets

(flower fairy has a second smau part that i loooooove)

RASCAL

matildas!raso!reader 🎀

it was no secret that you were one of the more outgoing players on the australian national team, having gained a reputation of being bubbly and energetic through your style of play on the pitch and personality. sam had taken quick advantage of this from the moment you joined the team, posting various funny videos and photos of you during camps and tournaments purely for her own entertainment.

the most recent video she had shared to her close friends story. you were distracted with pulling out your training kit from your suitcase when she had loudly announced herself as she walked into your room, the camera in selfie mode and held above her head.

“look who’s baaaaack!” she exclaimed causing you to turn around too quickly and get your foot caught on the leg of the bed.

“fuck!” you exclaimed loudly as you fell to the carpet floor, both yours and sam’s loud and infectious laughs filling the room as you processed what happened.

she stopped recording and caught her breath before captioning the video ‘the rascal diaries are off to a good start 🤣🤣’ and posting it so that her club teammates could see.

“you- you are impossible” she managed to say before another round of uncontrollable laughter erupted from her “and erin and guro are gonna find it so funny”

you huffed and unhooked your ankle from around the bed leg before sitting up “i’m so glad that you get a kick out of embarrassing me” you say sarcastically “it’s really the best part of seeing you”

sam smirks “jessie will probably find it funny too”

a blush makes its way up your neck at the mention of her canadian club teammate “shut up”

FLOWER FAIRY

actress!reader 🌷

jessie admired you from afar as you stood with your co-stars repositioning yourselves for the next take. you were all shooting the scene where the winx club and specialists get help helia for the first time at red fountain, the glittering fairy outfits reflecting off the stage lights magically. the sheer green wings on your back paired with the corset style boddess dress made you look straight out of the original cartoon.

the canadian smiled as you giggled with the actress who plays stella briefly before turning and giving jess a small wave. she merely winks back at you to ensure that the crew don’t think she’s being distracting before the director yells for places and action.

the group of you run through the scene perfectly, the icing on the cake being you and helia’s actor’s undeniable chemistry, even in such a short interaction. the way you shyly tuck your hair behind your ear and slightly curl in on yourself as you speak to him allows you to really bring flora’s character to life and for a moment, jessie sees a glimpse of the person you were when the two of you first met.

the director yells cut and excuses the lot of you before moving on to shoot a scene with just sky and bloom. you bound off the sound stage and straight to your girlfriend, wrapping an arm around her waist and leading the two of you to your trailer

she tenderly kisses the side of your head “i love coming to work with you” she whispers

you lean into her carefully to ensure you don’t scratch her with your wings “i love having you here, and so does everyone else. the cast and crew think you’re great.”

[mindyourownbiscuitss]

Fans of GD have this idea of who she, this grand person, but she was human and very flawed. Nothing wrong with that but both the character and her fans don't seem to realize this. If she did not get her way, she didn't want it. She had the love and the support but SHE choose to walk away, what happens after she left is not others fault.

Also, I agree with you, let people enjoy what they want. One, these are fictional characters, so to get pressed and angry over a fictional world is ridiculous. Two, it's not hard to ignore and scroll on by. Let people enjoy what they want, don't be an @ss about it. To those angry (both in CF and PD) talk about your ships favorite scenes or moments with your own fandom. Believe me, its more fun to talk about things you love than things that make you angry.

*Sorry to go off in your asks but I'm just so annoyed with some people in the fandom.

The thing that really pisses me off as far as the D@wsey of it all, is that most of their fans are also fans of Upste@d and see no issue with the hypocrisy of Halstead being able to move on but not Casey. They like to bring up "girl code" as if it actually matters. Maybe if Gabby didn't do what she did to both Casey and Brett, as far as leaving and not keeping in touch (especially with Brett), and generally being an awful wife and best friend at the end, it'd be different. These same people that love Gabby hate Erin for doing practically the same thing to Halstead. Gabby was worse, imo, because she was married! So, how exactly is it fair for Halstead to move on but not Casey? I don't give a damn if it's only because Gabby and Brett were supposed "best friends". They're not anymore, and probably never really were. Kidd and Foster (god do I miss Foster, even if I love Violet) are her actual best friends. Like I said, I don't hate Gabby, and I wish the writers knew how to write characters off without ruining them (though I think them writing Gabby off the way they did was because Haas was trying to convince Monica to stay until the very last minute), but her fans drive me insane. Also, this rant may be because Twitter (fuck X) now doesn't block the tweets of people you block anymore and I see the toxic side of that fandom again.

And thank you! I might be ranting in general here, but I've never once said anything to anyone about who they ship, even if I'm not a fan of that ship. I never will. How hard it is to not go into the tags of other ships and talk shit and actually tweet directly at those shippers? I feel for them, but when I thought Brettsey had no hope, I stayed away from Fire and read fanfic. It was a much more pleasant experience not interacting with something that mad me sad, or mad.

Feel free to rant and talk all you want about it! This is my outlet for that because no one else watches Fire that I know besides my parents. My mom isn't that invested anymore and my dad likes everything no matter how bad it gets, lmao.

[okthatsgreat]

hi lee!!!! ummm thinking of interesting things and questions i just woke up hmm.. ok i’m curious about any of your ocs in like. a opddmh situation… like either they ran away or they’re the one like sheltering a younger dr participant. could be with another one of your ocs could be with a canon character.. are there any combinations there that would be interesting for you? hopefully this makes sense i’m still sort of asleep so i think i worded it sort of clunkily lol :) hope you get less bored soon!!!

OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD OH MY GOD!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! boredom cured forever and ever always and ever . you are the best for this one. wrote WAY too much hfjkdsgk

(opddmh refers to this fic btw!! this will make zero sense without context LMAO)

ill try to assign them a person and give them a bit of an arc i think.......... in other words ill try to map out what i would do with them if they were in the actual story as another pov >:))

billie: in my mind she is definitely one of the more obvious candidates for a story like this just because soooo much of her character depends on other people and how they influence her personality... and because of this there are a LOT of options regarding who could take her in. i would most likely write her arc around getting better rather than getting worse LMFAO which means a few people would get crossed off of the list right off the bat--- immediately coming to mind is the hiyoko/mahiru/ibuki gang for some reason. i think theres a lot to explore there !!! billie could definitely take influence from ibuki's style, her impressionability/mirroring of other people's personality could definitely lead to trouble around hiyoko considering they are both stressed out, mahiru would be in so much strife about suddenly getting shucked into this caretaker role she's been so adamant on escaping since her killing game and there would be a LOT of parallels to hiyoko there. especially since yknow. billie is copying hiyoko a bit. i can see those three taking in this moody ass teenager with so many illnesses. so many awful influences its great

erin: OK so i am going to assume this is a situation where every season 50 participant is 16-17 again in this hypothetical scenario where they run from the hospital LOL. dear god i can see erin SPRINTING away. im gonna give her to sayaka on this one hands down. sayaka finds erin dead at night just walking absolutely nowhere with this very disorienting smile on her face LMAOO. i think erin's arc in this story would absolutely benefit from somebody who is able to relate to her as a performer and somebody who has this "persona" they need to maintain. erin is such a huge personality and her whole crisis is so huge that her guardian definitely needs to mirror her and learn from her or else they'll get a bit washed away i reckon ghdfksjghfdkjg. i can see the sayaka+erin pairing SO clearly too... like this is a sayaka who has been performing this character for years, probably to the extent where she hardly realises it anymore. throwing erin in with her, a teenage girl with identity issues that managed to actually go through with a plan that sayaka had during HER killing game .....Oughg. i can see them getting so stressed out by each other and i can see them getting just so sad at everything theyve lost

mika: hmmmmmmmm. mika is definitely one of the more practical characters and i dont think she would be hit as TERRIBLY hard as her classmates with the whole "we aren't real" thing. in fact there might even be a bit of relief from it at first. like...... youre telling me one of my biggest insecurities isnt even real because ultimate talents dont even really exist??? AND i dont have to get locked into one interest my entire life??? she's absolutelyyy traumatised and fucked up however i don't really think she'd leave that hospital in the first place LMFAO, i think she's smart enough to realise she doesnt stand much of a shot against team dr. if she made it out she would get paired up with another one of her classmates (like a ryoma+rantaro situation) anddddddddd hm. hm hm. imposter could be very very interesting. here is somebody that is constantly changing, never set in stone, and here is a teenage girl who is stubborn in her own reality and has come to realise her place in life a WHILE ago

naomi: this scenario is so so funny because it implies that somebody CAUGHT her hgfkdghfkdgkjfhgsdkl. there's not a doubt in my mind that she went sprinting out those doors the second she woke up from the simulator but naomi has always been a character with one foot out the door ready to leave. NEVER in one spot. especially in a postgame scenario, where she is extremely traumatised and honestly experiencing psychosis, it's hard to imagine her willingly going home with a stranger.... i think her scenario would DEFINITELY be a bit unconventional, with her constantly leaving and returning. akanes arc to the extreme HFGKGJ. i'll treat this as if naomi would be added to the existing narrative, meaning whoever her "guardian" is can't be EXTREMELY similar to akane so the whole "running away" theme would come second to themes of culpability and punishment i think. she would benefit from having somebody that also felt immeasurably guilty hmmmmmm. i can honestly see hajime. he's already busy as hell with everything he has to do for team dr, only to have to take time out of his day to help this tall ass teenager. their meet would have to be REAL unconventional in order for naomi to have stopped enough for him to help her lmao. as in "she ran out in the middle of the road in the middle of the night during some kind of panicked haze and he very nearly ran her over" type of unconventional. he patched her up, gave her some water and she was GONE. and then she comes back two days later like Heyyy 😍 So about that Guilt

rie: first things first i would throw her with ryobe hands down HGDFK. the amount of hijinks those two could get up to. fantastic. they would really benefit from having each other around and their friendship could be beautiful and real. with that being said these two are definitely a bit more difficult to pair with people just because immediately they have similar arcs to erin and naomi with both of them having difficulty accepting their identities and (ESPECIALLY RYOBE HERE) dealing with punishment/culpability. they would also need more than one guardian i think........ just for ryobe alone LMFAO. i reckon a few season one people could know about them tbh. for the most part they stay with aoi and her kid, which opens up a LOT of interesting avenues concerning whether rie and ryobe should leave for the sake of the kid's safety!! aoi and rie would pretty easily get along, especially if they both kinda keep each other at arms length with their people pleasing personalities they've accumulated over the years (aoi having developed it during her time as a team dr spokewoman). and then one day rie gets caught in complete distress and aoi realises "Oh Huh y'know what maybe this constant stress to perform under threat of violence against both me and my family isn't Healthy" and they both start trying to have more fun. go to the beach or smth. aoi swims for the first time in AGES and she has a total blast

ryobe: soooooooo fucked up postgame and would definitely stress aoi and rie out further without a doubt ghfdskg!! especially so close to the reveal that everything isnt real ryobe would definitely be in complete denial angie style. but more in a "hahahahahaha none of that actually happened!!! that was my brain playing tricks on me and actually i can hardly remember it anyways now that i think about it!!!!! this is definitely because it WASN'T real and NOT because my body is trying to protect me against everything that happened to me". he just reverts back to this goofy guy who always seems like he's on the verge of SOME kind of breakdown, and rie would be no help to him in those first few days, likely going as far as to AFFIRM nothing happened just to keep him from running off without her. i can see aoi bringing in some help for him--- it would probably be another survivor and i can REALLY imagine the dynamic between him and toko. komaru loves him but toko HATES his annoying ass ghfdkjghsdfkghgfjkdsg. they would definitely have a looooooong chat at some point that sends ryobe on the right track. also side note ryobe would be fantastic with aoi's kid however he would definitely teach that toddler a bunch of stupid pranks

sae: so sae is 34 which means she would definitely be the guardian in this scenario gdfjkg so it comes down to which v3 kid would make for an interesting parallel hmmmm hm hm.... immediately coming to mind is kaito. i can see himiko joining him potentially. sae is somebody who has trained herself to be extremely patient and believes anger to be a weakness of sorts. enter kaito who believes the only "strong" emotion he can convey right now is anger because he would be DAMNED if he started crying about that killing game gfhsdjgk. they'd have a lottt to learn from each other, and i think the entire scenario would definitely push sae to a lot of her limits. i mentioned himiko just because her arc of emotional repression could be a mirror to sae possibly, but because this is a postgame scenario i think himiko would be SO absolutely fixated on being seen as useful and helpful and energetic that she throws herself into whatever work sae can give her. and of course sae the workaholic has a lot of work to give her LMFAO. they pass out at the same time

yoshito: similar to mika it's hard to imagine him leaving the simulator just because he is the protagonist and they'd be keeping an eye on him however if he DID. he would need somebody who is constantly in his ear like Aren't you mad .....Don't you want to go apeshit ......mondo and leon are coming to mind. they're really teaching that kid how to let loose. shatter some glass, go fucking wild!!!! and while we're at it, let's all examine how our reckless behaviour might be a method of self harm we have developed for ourselves after our killing game but make sure not to tell the kid ok. make sure nobody tells yoshito, who has been trained on helping people his entire life and just needs to think about himself for ONCE

andi: hhehehehhehehehheh. computer thang. even though she is ageless there is no universe where she becomes a guardian and it's really really funny to think that somebody grabbed her computer chip and ran. i think it HAS to be chihiro. something fantastic and vaguely homosexual going on there

[bonefall]

I just want to let you know, my daughter has late in life epilepsy and your epilepsy guide and your rewrite in giving Sorreltail epilepsy has really brightened her up. She was so excited when it was thought Shadowsight had epilepsy and then the Erin's fucked it up, but then she found your blog and it's been all she's talked about. I just want to thank you, so much.

Anon thank you for making me cry in the shower this is exactly why I do the Herb Guides and why I jumped at the idea to make Sorreltail epileptic. I'm so grateful from the bottom of my heart to have made this character mean so much to you and your daughter

Make sure my buddy @doritopaw101 gets credit too!! They are the one who presented the idea of Sorreltail having lasting damage from their poisoning and without them, I never would have connected the dots

[allylikethecat]

Can you share some book recs? I’m a former book lover trying to get back into things after years of burnout.

HELLO FORMER BOOK LOVER (who is trying to get back into reading!!) You have come to the right place! Your girl used to be a professional bookseller (I literally worked at a bookstore for a year lol) I just wanted to give a little PSA though that these are books that *I've* read and enjoyed this year, and I also know that they aren't for everyone - also I read some dark fucked up shit so make sure to check out those trigger warnings if something does peek your interest! If this *isn't* what you are looking for please let me know what kind of books you DO like and I can give you more tailored recommendations! Without further ado:

Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo

This is a dark academia one that has had me in a choke hold - absolutely obsessed with it and it's sequel Hell Bent (maybe check trigger warnings? There is one questionable scene that caught a friend of mine off guard)

Gild by Raven Kennedy

This series is a dark romance retelling of the story of King Midas. They are not *good* necessarily but I was absolutely captivated and loved every second - read the trigger warnings though

Legacy of God's Series by Rina Kent

Absolutely obsessed with this one. God of Malice which is the first book is the weakest but is still really good. God of Fury is an M/M one featuring my favorite previously side character and I literally had to take walks around my house going !!! because I enjoyed it so much. VERY dark though, like proceed with caution. I would probably low key get cancelled if I wrote fic like this book lol

A Fate Inked in Blood by Danielle L. Jensen

VIKINGS! FANTASY! FORBIDDEN ROMANCE. This one was fun and I really enjoyed it - if you like romantasy give it a shot!

Heartless Hunter by Kristen Ciccarelli

This YA fantasy had me in an absolute choke hold and I am not so patiently waiting for the sequel I didn't see the twists coming and there was actually some more adult subject matter that surprised me a little since it was a YA novel

The Art Thief by Michael Finkel

This was a nonfiction book that I become obsessed with. It inspired me to rewatch all of White Collar and like rekickstarted my obsession with art history. The story is super captivating and what makes it even more wild is that its TRUE

Even If It Breaks Your Heart by Erin Hahn

A YA romance that is super sweet while also being heavy? I loved the two main characters - if you like ATKH it takes place on a ranch

Whistleblower by Kay Cove

Touch her and die - an assassin work place romance that I LOVED

The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon

SUPER LONG but also super good fantasy novel - the main relationship in it is a lesbian one which no one told me about so I resisted reading it for way longer than I would have

Let me know if any of these catch your fancy - if not let me know your vibe and I assure you I have more. Books are just so AH I love them. I just started Of Darkness and Ruination by Rachel Fallon and I am very excited about it - it has come highly recommended to me. I hope you are having a wonderful Monday and a great rest of your week! Happy reading!!

❤️Ally

[factorialsotherfandoms]

hi \o/!! Carente + Anomalia for the ask game? (I think you already answered these, but oh well maybe 2nd favourite \o/)

Hello! Twice even in one case! But I'll give it a go! Spoilers up to and including opc

Carente - Which is your favourite relationship (platonic OR romantic) and why?

Okay so a new answer for you first... I've done Johnny and Rubens a bit from OPD7 specific focus, I've done other Johnny stuff, I've done Cesar and Arthur... I mean I can mash Rubens with you for a wider Johnny and Rubens focus anytime but I think we both know that so...

Luciano, Fernando, and Erin. I just kinda... like them? I love Erin's dilemma of knowing her best friend has done something horrific, to save her other friend. Of having to choose between her best friend and her friend, except that she doesn't have any say in this at all. The way both Luciano and Fernando trust Erin so much, with explaining what's going on, who to shoot, what to do... But also when things go absolutely to shit, whichever one of them is present does their very best to look out for her. I wrote a little about her and Luciano during OPD, and we never really... OPD was not a season where characters really got to characterise, and I've never really had a chance to write more, but they just... make me kinda sad. But I love them, and I love how *messy* it is between them, more than anything else.

Then I will direct you here: https://factorialsotherfandoms.tumblr.com/post/756106730977509377/about-the-ask-game-carente-which-is-your

lastly, I will copy paste from what I wrote cafe, as there's spoilers for a season you haven't seen in that answer:

So, I did answer this here, but I know for sure you’ve seen the relevant parts so I saved this one for you. Because Johnny, my boy, my absolute fucking moron <3

I guess on screen relationship has to be him and Rubens, because its most of what we see, you know? And it’s sweet, and its fun, and watching the two pairs dance around each other and just how much Johnny and Rubens *trust* each other *and not the others* is very pleasing.

However

HOWEVER

I am utterly and entirely and extremely *fascinated* by the team he used to be on. Both in a historical Johnny & Luciano & Antonio & Arnaldo sense, and in a current time (well slightly ahead) just Johnny & Balu being left at the end of it. Or even!!!! Johnny & Anfitrião, the being with Arnaldo’s memories. We haven’t seen any of him and Kian so eh yeah, but the potential!!! They’re not things I’ve especially poked, but these are all things I rotate in my brain constantly. I just… Don’t have the time to write them rn, and can’t even pick a singular version anyway. The man who used to be his mentor, perhaps saviour perhaps sponsor, becoming the thing that near killed him. The last two people at the end. Four people working together without names but, from what Balu said, seems there were frictions in the group from clashing personalities and people being stubborn. Not serious ones, but ones where they’d work together but not *like* each other much. There’s a lot of lines from the Johnny, Balu, and Rubens scene (mostly from Rubens because *fuck* Felps pulled it out of the park that scene [and many of the earlier ones but I’ve repeated the Host information frip ones less]) that live rent free in my brain, but this -

Johnny, I’m Balu. We already met on another occasion, but I think… I was a bit of a fool when you met me. Anyway… I think… If we were on some mission nowadays, we would be- I would have done better.

I am so fascinated by this line. This fucking line. I am completely fascinated by a relationship I’ll never get any god-damned answers to, and it’s this line’s fault.

(I’m also 80% convinced that where Balu cut himself off? The next would would have been ‘friends’)

Anomalia - Favourite headcanon?

See the same link I gave for the first one, lmao. For a second...

So this is projecting a little but... You know how Rubens' deepest if I could change something, it'd be to be in a country house playing board games with Johnny? Clearly he adores board games (I wonder if video games got him involved in the occult but anyway), but I like to think he likes... not necessarily weird board games, but board gamer board games. The ones with a billion little wooden pieces and cards and seven boards and fifteen trackers and a scoring system so complex you're not even sure exactly *how* to type it into a calculator. Things like Terra Mystica, Settlers of Catan, Power Grid, Thurn and Taxis, Ticket to Ride, Carcassone...

Thing is, he also doesn't play to *win*, necessarily. Sure winning is fun, but he wants a safe way to spend time with friends without needing to hold up a conversation. Also he tends to set himself mini non-winning (sometimes contradictory to winning) goals. Have a city with one of every tile type in Terra Mystica, collect one of every coloured route in Ticket to Ride, connect two specific cities in Power Grid, refuse to place on road cards in Carcassone... Anything like that.

[permanentreverie]

top 9 books

rules: list your top 9 books (duh) but i will be cheating a little bit - combining authors and giving honourable mentions, because i can

tagged by @wherepoetsdie, thank you michelle i love ranting about my favourite books but also this is gonna be SO. HARD.

1 : the starless sea / the night circus by erin morgenstern - both of these books are exactly my kinda vibe. the worldbuilding, the romance depicted, the portrayal of magic and surrealism, both books remained in my head for MONTHS after first reading them. i think both of these books perfectly fit my criteria for 5 star reads on goodreads - books that cracked open my skull and altered my psyche

2 : the youthful you who was so beautiful by jiu yue xi - so is your comfort book an incredibly niche chinese book that doesn't even have a proper english translation and publication, or are you normal?? i read this book late last year, reread it early this year, and already have been wanting to reread it for months. the writing is by no means perfect, but there is something about this story that i will never get enough of. chen nian and bei ye's relationship, the stress on their characters and the trials they face, it all just. it all breaks me i want every single person to read it but also they have to GET IT.

3 : jane eyre by charlotte bronte - this book has remained a staple for me for years. the first time i read it (when i was 12) i actually didn't like it, but every reread since has solidified my love for jane's character and the beautifully twisted love story of her and rochester.

4 : little women by louisa may alcott - again, a childhood staple. there is something so incredibly magical and intimate, the story of the march sisters, and so many good lessons on love and childhood and family and ambitions! jo march has and always will be *my* heroine, she gets me and i get her and she pulls the strings in my heart in an aching way

5 : i'll give you the sun by jandy nelson - this may be my no. 1 favourite book of this year. it's just such a beautiful story of grief and sibling relationship, a book that truly feels like a coming of age and is written in a way that some would call pretentious - which means it spoke to me, personally <3

6 : deathless by catherynne m valente - i guess you can tell that i prefer books that have prose > plot lol. again, this book is just so beautifully told and i'm a sucker for slightly-fucked-up relationships akfjdsk <3

7 : pachinko by lee minjin - this is possibly my favourite historical fiction i've read. there is So Much to this book, talk of femininity and motherhood and immigration and race and so much more. it's all beautifully told and has some of the best characters i've ever read.

8 : beartown by fredrick backman - if you know, you know. i am going to read anxious people soon (will probably be my next read) there is just something in the ways that fredrick backman writes and weaves dozens of narritives on community and girlhood and friendship and parenting and love and loss and grief and everything that these books are about.

9 : all for the game by nora sakavic - listen. listen. listen. i feel like i HAVE to include this series. not everyone will get it!! but i do!! this series is literally crack cocaine. batshit insane plot and the most intricate of characters and messy dynamics and found family and made me feel feral. enough said.

honourable mentions - howl's moving castle by diana wynne jones, northanger abbey by jane austen, if we were villains by m.l. rio, the folk of the air by holly black, a good girl's guide to murder by holly jackson, six of crows by leigh bardugo, beach read by emily henry, alone with you in the ether by olivie blake

tagging @hollyfhumberstone @mixtapedoh @acotars @thebirdandhersong @daydreaming-optimist @andsjuliet @sandrson @delilahsbard

[thealieninhiding]

Kate: A Story Inspired by The New Hit Series Dates

Written by Jamie Chan

Big thank you to Sarah Nicholson who uploaded this ebook to Scribd in 2013

The anthology to which story this belongs takes the characters from the television series Dates, and helps you get a little deeper into their lives. Each story follows a character – sometimes into a dark and dangerous place. Not all of them are about a backstory. Some of them begin where we left the character on the screen; some of them are about a character’s fantasy world. All of them explore their character’s sexual and emotional life, and all of them have a dose of humour. They also give you exclusive access. Sometimes, things get graphic. This is Kate's story.

She lies on her side, her silky black hair spread across the white pillow.

She wraps an arm around me and pulls me close, her eyes sealed tight, a weak smile on her glistening face.

I'm addicted. The smell of her pulls me back to the morning we woke up together in that hotel room.

And as her eyes begin to open, I quickly close mine; flip abruptly onto my back and edge towards my side of the bed.

My body sinks into the attress as I drift off with the memory of Erica.

"It's Erin," she says pointedly.

Her words jab at me and I recoil, pulling the sheets up around me. After a stretch of silence, I grunt, pretending I'm halfway into a deep sleep; too tired to muster an appropriate response. Nor do I feel the need to. After all, I'm not being asked a question.

"Not Erica. Erin," she presses, unsatisfied.

Now I'm annoyed. Nothing displeases e more than being repeated to; it's worse than repeating myself.

"Well, which do you prefer?" I ask casually.

"I prefer my actual name," she says tersely.

I feel the sheets tug tight as she turns to switch on her bedside lamp. A flash of crimson orange penetrates my eyelids like I'm under a microscope.

"And who do you think about when you're with your husband?" I reply calmly, not moving.

My brows pinch into a furrow as I reluctantly open my eyes. Reality pulls into focus. The room is dimly lit, the air warm and musky, the windows still dark. I bury my head into the pillow: the smell of freshly warmed linen, edged away by the stink of sweat, sex and alcohol escaping from our pores.

I know she cleans this room with every time I leave, changing the sheets, matching the duvet covers with pillowcases. I like that she does this; the room is beautifully clean again, like I was never here.

After nearly a month of sleeping together, there's not a trace of me in this room.

I offer a strained apology as I reach for my jeans. I fish around in my pockets before straightening myself out on the bed, a fresh cigarette hanging off my lip.

"Honest mistake," I add with a deliberate double-flick of my lighter. She hates it when I smoke, but the sadistic side of me compels me to do it anyway - just to see if I can get away with it. You see, I figure, if someone can still find a way to tolerate me, to desire me, in spite of myself, then perhaps I'm not so fucked up after all.

"Kate," she starts."

"I know. I know..." I say, cutting her off.

I hop out of bed in a huff as though she's in the wrong for inconveniencing me. I walk to her side of the bed, ram my feet into her slippers and hastily wrap myself in her red robe. I scuff across the room to the balcony. I light the cigarette inside and take a long drag, warming up my insides before I step out into the crisp night. Being forced to smoke outside stirs the vindictiveness in me. So I leave the door open.

I'm not much of a spoker in truth - I don't like the way it makes my fingers smell - but lately I find myself rather drawn to it. At times, relying on it. A cigarette after tawdry, adulterous sex, erase one bad deed with another.

I run my fingers over the 'Smoking Kills' label on the box, turn and catch Erin shuddering in the sheets I have made cold. I remind myself that I'm not supposed to care, But I do. And after a moment, I shut the door behind me.

I take one last drag on the cigarette and hold it longer than I normally would. As I exhale, I watch the white smoke hang lost in the air before the night swallows it. I stare blankly into space, just as lost, not sure which way to go - but sure I don't belong here.

I need to keep moving.

I step back into the bedroom. Erin and I stare at each other. She gives a hollow smile, crawls out of bed and makes her way to the bathroom. She swings the door shut then gently pulls it back open a crack. It's not closed, but it's not quite an invitation either. The water comes on, the sound of the bath being drawn.

"Can you bring my robe?" Erin calls as I pull my shoes on and quickly gather my things.

I glance around the room, lifting the bed covers and shaking pillows to make sure nothing is left behind. I tiptoe to the door and gently shut it.

Leave. That's what I should have done six weeks ago when I last saw Erica. But there was an innocence to her, and untarnished purity in her love for her family, and her approach to love in general, that made me want to protect her, to be a better person for her. All the things that might usually have turned me away kept me there, and I have not been quite the same since. Even now I can't shake her off. Erin, usually my best distraction, is not helping.

I can't get Erica out of my head.

The cab turns onto a quiet tree-lines road, each house indistinguishable from the next. I catch my reflection in the rear view mirror; my eyeliner smeared, hair disheveled, evidence of a night stretched into a shameful morning. The driver pops into view and we exchange looks. He holds my gaze and I feel his judgement.

"Do you need directions?" I snap.

He looks away, disengaging. Before I can open my mouth again, he slaps the meter off and the cab grinds to a halt. Outside, the glint of my house number catches my eye and I realise I'm home. I look up at the mirror again, wanting to apologise, but the driver is glaring out the window. I tuck a twenty through the slot and jump out before he can count my change. He pulls away before the door fully closes.

I stand before a house I do not recognise as my home. Odd, considering I've lived here for nearly twenty years. It's the house I grew up in, the home I left when I was eighteen. Since then, the only substantial communication I've received from my parents was a birthday card, which simply read: 'We're giving you the house.'

I still have the card, a generic bunch of balloons on the front and a price sticker on the back. I keep it tucked away in a safety deposit box. The return address on the envelope is the house address. I'll never know whether they intended that to be ironic, or somehow symbolic.

I waited a good six months before I even took a stroll past the house. I had to make sure my parents weren't still in it, despite all the questions I had for them. But I guess sometimes it's better to let the pot simmer down to nothing than to stir it up innecessarily for answers I know I won't like.

By the time I got up the courage to try my key in the lock, it was obvious they were long gone.

The house glistens like new after the paint job it recieved this week. The once-gunmetal grey door now shines red, the white gates are now black, and some freshly laid cobblestone steps separate the two. I don't love the red but I know I don't have to. In a season's time I'll change it again.

A 'Wet Paint' sign hangs on the gate, flapping in the wind. I yank the sign off and the new paint peels away with the tape, exposing the original white below.

Shit.

I pull out my mascara and apply the waxy black coating, slowly at first then aggressively, until the bristles on the wand flatten. I lean back and scrutinise my work. Black and shiny again.

I push the door open. The smell of fresh paint quickly grates on me. I wedge a week's worth of post under the door to keep it ajar. I survey my new furnishings, modelled on the front cover of the latest Habitat catalogue. I poke around the house, counting to make sure all the pieces I ordered are here and in place. I throw myself on the new couch with my shoes still on - as one might carelessly treat a hotel room. I feel that nervous excitement that comes with change, but it is tinged with impending diappointment. I know the thrill will wear off quickly. Soon enough I'll be ready to change it all again.

My therapist claims this is a reaction to abandonment; that my urge is to constantly create change to mantain a life devoid of attachments and commitments. She's good. Too good. It's hard to allow someone to see through you. And it's even harder to pay that person large amounts of money to point out the flaws you go to great lengths to hide.

I'll put my money towards my spring wardrobe instead. I'm not going back to her.

Running my hands along the painted walls, I work my way through the house and into the kitchen. I stop by the pantry door. It's old and it sits unevenly above the floor. It’s been painted Crème Fraiche like the rest of the house. As wonky as it is, I don’t have the heart to replace it. A spectrum of emotions boils up in me every time I see that bloody door. It creaks when I open it. The sound takes me back. Every day after school, I would return home to a game of hide and seek. My mother would hide in the pantry when she saw me coming up the driveway. Even though I knew exactly where to find her, there was always a speck of fear in me that she might not be there. We’d laugh and laugh; we’d cry tears of joy, until the day when our roles were reversed and it was me who was done hiding.

My days meld into nights, filled comfortably with work and plans I make, then breaks with friends. Today I drag myself up the familiar steps to my house carrying my Sainsbury’s bags full of ready meals. I guess the shiny, new paint does make the house look inviting, and for a moment I forget that I’m about to eat the same cold pasta salad I’ve eaten every day for the past week.

Fourteen. I pull back the flimsy plastic cover of the pesto pasta salad. With the pot resting precariously on my chest, I eat lying down on the couch. Fourteen pine nuts. I weed them out one at a time. It’s a guessing game that has morphed into a kind of pathetic sport for me – one which I find far too amusing and win far too often. Not to mention, I’m allergic to pine nuts. Not anaphylaxis allergic, but itchy-in-awkward-places allergic.

Typical. Always drawn to the things I know are bad for me.

My phone buzzes. A new text message. Could it be her? This pesky thought rampages though my mind more often than I am proud to adit, and causes my emotions to flutter, then sink. It's foolish, I know, because I know it's never her. Yet despite that, I scroll to her name in my inbox just to be sure.

'I'm really sorry' - the last message she sent me.

I recieved it mere minutes after she walked off that morning. To meet her brother I assume. To grovel and to take back her words. Then go back to dating men. I wouldn't be surprised if she's match-made and engaged already, with a ring in one hand and a life-long prescription to anti- depressants in the other. Convinced she can live happily ever after, all the while wishing she was with me instead.

The dreamy side of me chimes in, cranks it up a notch. And maybe we’ll meet a few years later, destiny pulling us to the same taco stand one afternoon ... that instant attraction we felt the first time we met seizes us, paralysing us, rendering us immobile as we drift across the sky through the window of an empty hotel room where we make love …

"Christ! What is wrong with me?" I burst out loud. I chuck my salad carelessly onto the coffee table. Pine nuts and pasta bowties litter my buffed wood floors. I squeeze my eyes tight as though somehow, that can push her out of my mind. I'm bored. I'm bored! I need a quick fix, a distraction.

I need a shiny new thing to play with.

I stand before my window, flipping through clothes I'm begging to regret buying. Clothes that seemed like a good idea at the time. Midriff hoodies are never a good idea. Neither are cashmere hoodies, no matter how soft and cosy they feel.

I have trouble getting dressed these days; find it hard to look at myself in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I’ve been shopping online a lot lately, with no particular style or purpose in mind, besides a lazy attempt to reinvent myself. I figure if I look different, perhaps I’ll feel different. The clothes never drape quite as nicely on my normal-sized frame as they do on the models, though. I throw on some dark jeans, a crisp new shirt, and my lucky knee-high riding boots. I apply some foundation, introducing some long lost colour to my face. Not too much make up. I don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard. I run a brush through my hair, then tie my hair up into a loose bun.

The night is brisk. I tuck my hands into the pockets of my jeans for warmth. But the pockets, for reasons I’m sure are sexist, are shallow and I find myself wedging a fist, stretching my jeans and causing them to bulge in all the wrong places.

Perhaps I should have put a little more thought into my attire for the evening. Or perhaps I should have asked the cab driver to take me straight to the venue - not two streets short of it. But I want my arrival to go unnoticed. As I start to get the sniffles and search in vain for a tissue I know I do not have, I'm not so certain all this masquerading is worth it.

With a ten pound note curled up in my hand, I take a deep breath, and step into the bar. It’s well into the evening and I am immediately flushed with the warmth of all the bodies in the room. This must be what Christmas morning feels like in lesbian paradise. I smile for the first time today.

I pay my money and present my hand for the obligatory nightclub stamping.

“Oh, we don’t do that anymore,” the hostess, an attractive brunette wrapped tight as a shrimp dumpling in a gold sequin dress, asserts a little too loudly. “The ink rubs off on clothes after a little bit of dancing,” she explains, with a playful swivel of her hips. I can hear her dress stretching in agony.

"I see... sure..." I reply, as I start to walk away.

"You haven't come by in a while have you?" she continues, now staring at me a little curiously.

I turn back to her, perturbed by her determination to pull me into a discussion about the merits and pitfalls of hand-stamping.

"You don't remember me, do you Kate?" she says, then clasps her hand on her chest: "Sharron."

Faces and names flash through my mind as I try to search for my file on Sharron.

"Remember about a year ago at the gala..."

"You're the party promoter," I finally recall. The memory of a quick dalliance followed by incessant phone calls starts to trickle back.

"Party planner," she corrects. "I plan parties - like this one!" She waves her arm, gesturing to the scope of the event. Ladies' nights in London. They're a dime a dozen. And unfortunately, I've picked the wrong one. I start to look around for faces I recognise.

"Not a bad job," I say in a concerted effort to be pleasant. "Constantly surrounded by formidable women. I think I might have dodged a bullet," I add jokingly - but not joking.

"Guess that bullet came full circle," she quips, smiling suggestively. "Good to see you. I'm liking the new look, very au naturel." She blatantly eyes me from top to bottom, before turning to the next guest in line.

I flash her a nasty grin, then quickly head upstairs to the bathrooms. I need a mirror. I reach the second floor landing. I skip up to the next flight of stairs.

And there she is. Staring straight at me.

Erica stands in the cloakroom queue about twenty feet away. Her hair drapes across her shoulders and over her red silky short-sleeved top. She looks good in red.

She smiles, and I force one in return.

I glance over at the bathroom door and wonder if I can make it there before I have to engage in coversation with her. She waves me over. I walk over slowly, tucking loose strands of hair behind my ears as I suss out an appropriate greeting.

"Hi," I think I say, but I can't hear myself above the music.

"We were wondering who was running up those stairs!" Erica laughs casually. I pull back and shrug innocently.

"Well, you know me... always in a hurry," I say a little louder, and with a knowing smile. She frowns momentarily, then smiles back. I know she's making all the right references.

"It's good to see you," she says sweetly.

I question whether this is true, but before I have the chance to formulate a suitably smart-arse retort, she leans in and hugs me. I hug her back, keeping some distance at first, but she pulls me in tight and I am reminded how good she feels in my arms.

"It's good to see you too," I whisper in her ear.

My body relaxes into her. I close my eyes as I start to feel the room spin. All I can hear is the sound of our hearts beating in sync.

"Babe, give me your coat." The Asian girl queueing in front of Erica turns around to face us. Erica lets go of me, a little jarred; I can tell she was clearly just as lost in the moment as I was. Before Erica has a chance to make introductions, the girl turns to me with her hand outstretched.

"Hi. I'm Jen."

Who's this bitch? She's looming a good four inches above me, sinewy under a black lace shirt that's see-through in all the right places. Her hair is short framing high, chiseled cheekbones. She flashes a friendly smile. Her teeth are perfect.

She could just be a friend. A straight, genetically blessed, and unavailable friend with a coke habit, on a weekend away from rehab. I hope.

"Kate," I say as I take her hand. It is warm and soft. I notice her beautifully groomed nails, short and manicured. Of course. My heart starts to beat faster. My hands ball into fists. I hate her. But mostly I hate Erica for putting me in this position.

"Jen... now is that with a 'G' or a 'J'? I have Asian friends who get really creative with spelling," I say.

Erica sweeps in. "Take this," she says.

She tries to hand Jen a fiver from her purse while throwing me a look to back off.

"I got it babe," Jen responds. Those teeth of hers sparkle again. She gives Erica a reassuring squeeze on the arm before she walks off with the coats.

I turn to Erica.

"So is she your cousin?"

She narrows her eyes at me. "Are we being rude already?"

"You two look alike. Tall, thin, similar hairline. I bet you share a last name," I press.

"Do you even know my last name?" she challenges.

I shrug, my eyes trained on her. She looks away, nervous. I sense her giving in a little. But before I can respond, perfect Jen with her perfectly timed entrance waves Erica downstairs.

"I'll see you downstairs." She turns to me with those focused eyes. I am not sure if that's a question or a statement. So I nod.

Disparaging thoughs course through me as I lean against the wall inside the bathroom cubicle. I can't believe Erica is seeing someone else. And if she is openly dating women, why wasn't I the first person she called?

Perhaps I should have been in touch with her before now. Should I have checked in to see how she was? My stomach churns at the thought of her embracing another woman.

Perfect Jen. Jen, Jen, Jen.

A light tap on the cubicle door.

"Just a minute," I reply curtly.

I tear off a few squares of toilet paper, dry my nose, then fall back onto the wall of the cubicle. The last thing I need is to be rushed.

The whole night feels like a mistake. There is a reason I prefer to meet women online, a reason why I stopped going to these ‘lesbian nights’. Week after week, the same faces start to pop up. Faces I don’t want to see. Faces with questions I don’t want to answer. I haven’t thought this through well at all. Coming here tonight, it was impulsive and reckless.

I hear the same light tapping against my door. Peering through the tiny gap where the door meets its hinges, I see a slither of red.

Could it be her?

"Just a sec!" I respond hastily this time with a much gentler coice. I give my reflection a once over on the surface of the metal toilet paper dispenser, run my fingers through my hair, check my smile. I take a deep breath, my insides fluttering, then I slide the latch and open the door.

It isn't her. Instead, it's a woman in her forties; arms crossed, livid. I find bathroom behavior to be a good measure of character. A useful test to see how one responds under pressure. I'm guessing this woman did not come here to make friends tonight.

"I know you weren't really using the toilet," she says bitingly, as I cross to the sink. "I saw the way your feet were facing... I can tell," she adds.

I make eye contact with her in the mirror.

"That's creepy. You should fix that habit," I reply calmly.

I love girl talk.

I cradle my hands under the tap. The warmth of the water ripples through me. I look at myself in the mirror, steadily. Something switches on in me.

I go downstairs slowly, but with confidence now, scanning the lounge for her. It doesn't take me long to spot her in the centre of the room, tucked in close to Jen in a small circle of women. Jen, flashing her teeth with every other 'e' she pronounces, is telling a story. The others listen and laugh.

A girl works her way across the room towards Erica. They hug like friends. Good friends. She looks happy. She's trying to be happy. And I realise that's all I want for her.

For myself? A stiff drink would do for now.

I ease my way towards the bar, settle into a stool and signal to the bartender. She's cute. I look around the room. Everyone is engaged in surface-level conversation. Empty smiles, unecessary hand touching, arm brushing - small gestures that chip away that wall between 'complete strangers' and 'strangers who completely want to sleep with each other'.

Isn't it strange how being physically alone at a singles' night somehow renders you unapproachable? I whip my phone from my back pocket and refresh my mailbox with a swipe of my thumb - over and over, like I'm skimming an email, like there are countless things jostling for my attention.

"What can I get you?" the bartender asks.

"Shot of whisky, please. Actually, make it a double," I correct myself, smiling.

Pretty face, sexy body, a bit young for what I'm looking for maybe, but I don't care. As she fills my glass, she glances my way. I can tell she is interested.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, the grip firm but gentle. I know it's Erica. I hope it's Erica.

"There you are," she whispers softly.

I smile. It is Erica.

The bartender returns with my drink resting on a folded napkin. She looks to me, then to the napkin; then to me and to the napkin again, before walking away. I pick up the drink, knowing full well that the napkin with the bartender’s number scribbled across it will unfold in front of Erica.

"You don't waste any time," says Erica.

"Neither do you," I say, returning the jab. I hand my credit card to the bartender.

"Shall I start a tab?" she asks.

"No," I reply, slipping the napkin into the pocket of my jeans.

"Are you leaving soon?" Erica asks.

"I am. A bit knackered." I pause, and then I add: "Didn't get any rest last night," a cheap shot that makes me feel cheap. I turn to her but can't bear to keep my eyes on her for long. I retreat to my drink. I take small sips, a measured move, unsure how many more times I may need to use my drink as a prop to divert my gaze.

"I'm glad I saw you," I say, my eyes fixed on the rim of my glass. "You seem to be doing great." "I'm doing... okay," she corrects.

"Jen seems great."

"Jen is great," she corrects again.

“Cheers to Jen,” I say, as I bring the whisky glass to my mouth to prevent myself from saying something inappropriate. I take another big sip and let it trickle down my throat, making sure I feel the sting.

"Jen's just a friend."

Why did she admit that? I let silence fill the space between us, curious to see where she'll steer the conversation now. But she's just as patient, settling into the empty barstool next to me.

"You should ask her out," I instigate, looking straight at Erica.

"We dated for a little bit," she admits. "But we decided we were better suited as friends."

I nod, trying to appear calm, unmoved.

"I guess that means she's fair game..." I say with a cocky smile. Erica looks at me hard, not the least bit amused. I retreat into my drink again.

"Why do you do that?" She asks earnestly.

I laugh, hoping to soften my attack, but the conversation has already turned into a confrontation. I throw back the rest of my whisky, then I grab her Peroni to wash it down. I set it back down roughly on the counter in front of her.

"I need to get going," I say.

No goodbyes, hugs or apologies. I walk off and I do not look back.

No cabs. I stand in the street, impatiently looking both ways. Never a cab in sight when you need one. Just as I start walking to the street corner, I hear her call my name.

"Kate!"

Erica stands in front of the door, rubbing her bare arms for warmth. I look back at her, unsure what to do.

"Wait a second!" she cries.

I walk back to her. She extends a hand out towards me and I pick up my pace. That fluttering sensation returns. I hurry towards her.

"You forgot your credit card." She presents me with something plastic and shiny. I am a fool. I take it from her, mutter a thank you then quickly turn back into the empty street. But I feel her linger behind me.

"What did you expect?" She says. I don't respond. "I texted you. You never replied," she continues between chattering teeth.

"You should get back in there," I urge.

“You don’t think I go to these things hoping I might find you?” she presses. I hang my head, shoulders slump, my body articulating what I cannot with words. I see her shadow move into mine.

"If I go back in to grab my coat, will you wait for me?"

I look up and down the street, craning my neck, trying to spot signs of traffic.

"You'll have to walk about eight streets over to catch a cab. You can call one from my place. It's closer.

I could call one from inside the bar too, but... I look up and down the deserted street. I guess this way I can make sure she gets home safely.

"Sure," I respond with a casual shrug.

She looks at me questioningly.

"I won't leave," I add. She smiles back before dashing back into the bar.

A taxi pulls up to the kerb in front of me. A couple of young, overly eager girls in skimpy clothes and pinching heels jump out. Off to make mistakes they won't remember by the morning, no doubt. The last girl brushes past me as she steps from the cab.

"Are you coming or going?" she asks. I look to the door of the bar. A sinking feeling. How long does it take to find a coat?

I sit inside the cab as it drives off, unsure if I’ve made the right decision. Erica sits close. A little too close. Realising this, she shifts to her side of the seat, leaving a suitably polite, platonic gap between us.

The warmth of her body moves away from me and is replaced by cold regret.

We sit in the cab together in silence, the quiet broken every now and then when I breathe hot air onto my cold fingers. Erica reaches over and takes my hands in hers. Her body gravitates back towards mine, closing the gap.

It feels comfortable. It feels right, like two jigsaw pieces clicking together. I feel the excitement start to build in me again, the same hope that has disappointed me one too many times tonight. So I keep my hand loose in hers, eyes on my window, counting houses to numb my mind, not ready to believe or trust any of it.

The cab stops.

"This is me," Erica says, still clasping my hands. I tighten my grip; she notices but pulls her hand away and reaches in her purse for money. She hands a note to the driver then opens the door. I lean back in my seat, certain that I will take the cab home. But Erica reaches for my hand. "C'mon," she says,

Erica lives on the first floor of a three-storey building. I can barely keep pace as I walk from the pavement to her door. I shuffle my feet tweice on the doormat before entering.

Her flat is small but charming, her décor a clash of cultural influences. There are half-open boxes everywhere. I assume this to be the aftermath of the fall-out with her family, a topic I want to steer clear of.

"Red or white?" she asks.

"White. Always," I reply. Stained teeth are not attractive.

"You'll have to forgive the mess," she calls from the kitchen. I'm sort of... in transition at the moment."

I know a thing or two about transition.

"It's fine, really..." I tiptoe around the boxes, finally settling myself on the arm of a couch covered with freshly folded laundry.

"There's more space in my bedroom," she calls.

How convenient. I push the bedroom door open. Sure enough, it is sparse in comparison to the rest of her flat. A nearly made queen-size bed sits on one side of the room, an empty bookshelf, a desk, and a half-filled wardrobe on the other.

I sit on the edge of her bed, pull a pillow close and inhale. That scent again.

I hear Erica come in. She sets two wine glasses down on the bedside table. I feel the mattress shift under me has she crawls to lie next to me. I open an arm and she curls into me, resting her head on my shoulder. Her face nestles up against my neck.

She smells good, feels good, and I start to feel scares.

"I promised myself I wouldn't sleep with you tonight," I whisper, my head touching hers, hoping she'll give me a reason to break my promise.

Silence. Seconds stretch into painfully quiet minutes.

I lean in and kiss her - long, and hard. She kisses back, but I feel her lips soften and pull away. "I called you a cab. It'll be here in fifteen minutes," she finally responds.

That hurts.

"Probably best," I finally reply, swallowing hard as I feel anger build up in me.

I can't believe her audacity. "Why did you bring me here?" I snap, pulling away from her. I stare at her, but she won't meet my gaze.

“It felt right,” she starts, finally looking at me. “I’ve probably made more wrong decisions in my life than right ones. I mean, even the right ones ... I’m not always confident they are right for me. But this feels right.”

Perhaps we would make the perfect couple. She's selfish and I'm a fool. Like a car she's taken for a test drive, and accidentally scuffed. Twice.

"You have things you need to sort out," I say condescendingly, as I pull myself off her bed.

"So do you," she replies firmly, taking me by surprise.

I walk around her room. “You could start by putting your clothes up on some hangers? I have bits of furniture you can have, unless you prefer to live out of cardboard boxes?” I offer, gently kicking the one nearest to my foot. “This could be a home. A good one.” I smile hopefully, but she just looks back at me, not reacting.

I look around, from the bookcases two-toned black and gray with dust, to the empty closet and half-filled boxes. I reflect again on the migration of all her possessions to the living room. I look back at her, then to her bare bed and empty night table, its drawer hanging half-open.

“You’re not unpacking, are you?” I lift a photo frame wrapped in bubble wrap from one of her boxes.

"No," she says, propping herself onto both elbows to face me. "I'm leaving."

I try hard to smile, but my face just twitches as the truth starts to sink in. And soon, I realise I'm trembling. I stare at her, trying to make sense of it all in her eyes.

But I can't break through. And then I realise the answer is in front of me. What's staring back at me is conviction.

"When?" I finally say.

She hesitates. "Soon," she replies, clearing her throat, and I begin to wonder if she's lying or just being evasive.

"Where?" I ask pointedly as though I have a right to know. "Back home?" I add with a smirk, trying to be clever at the risk of being insensitive.

Home would be better than any place she might say.

But she tilts her head towards one shoulder, mouth zipped tight and shakes her head - no, not budging.

I hear laughter, bursts of controlled husteria, which I slowly identify as my own. She doesn't say a word, but turns away from what I'm sure she recognises as sadness masked beneath uncomfortable laughter.

A car horn sounds. "That's your cab," she says, getting up but keeping a respectful distance from me. Sensing her hesitation, I step towards her and pull her in for an embrace. She steps into me, hugging me tight, neither of us quite ready to let the other go.

I rest my forehead against hers, wishing I could read her mind. We kiss. Short, long, both of us pulling away then leaning in for more like the snap of a rubber band that's been stretched too far. How could she leave? How can I?

"You should go," she says in hushed tones, her arms coming undone. But I can still feel her breath against my neck, the contour of her body against mine.

"But if I have a say in this?" I ask. My eyes are shut but I can see her, clear as day.

Then finally, she whispers, "Stay".

A car horn sounds again. I open my eyes, then narrow them into a squint – at the intrusion of a morning that has come knocking far too soon. Outside the window, I see men muscling boxes into a van, boxes I know belong to Erica.

I shut my eyes, hopelessly attempting to retreat from reality. I stretch my hand across the bed, but only the cold of empty sheets greets me. I bury my head in the pillow and breathe in deep. Every pocket of space inside me burns then chars, like the end of a cigarette after a long drag. Floorboards creak, the sound of a loud engine idling outside. I keep my eyes shut trying to ignore the sounds of movers as they empty Erica’s flat into the van. I curl into the pillow and sheets, not wanting to wake up. Then I feel the warmth of her body lying next to me.

I know the conversation that awaits me, the courtesy of a goodbye she needs to say. The engine rumbles louder with impatience. But I keep my eyes shut, not wanting to be left with the sight of her walking away.

Hours pass before I open my eyes, confident that she is no longer in the flat. I grab my jeans to pull on, and an envelope falls out from a fold. I stare at the blank envelope with trepidation at everything it could possibly mean.

I sit on the pavement outside Erica’s house with her pillow resting on my lap. I rest my head on the pillow, staring sideways at the envelope, preparing myself for all the possible things I could find.

A letter saying goodbye; a bill, perhaps, for the extra hours the movers had to spend working around me; or worse, the envelope is mine but I’ve conjured up this idea that Erica might have left me something to hold onto. I open the sealed envelope delicately, and pour the contents onto my shaky hand.

It's her braided bracelet, the one she bought off the road in Tuscany, and the one I was certain she would take away with her.

Light as it is, I suddenly feel the weight of all that it meant to me. I slip the bracelet around a panel of her old white fence, and begin to return home, to what I know is safe and certain.

But then I turn back and retrieve the bracelet. I run it between my fingers, then tuck it into the tiny pocket of my jeans. It's tattered and old, just as I remembered it.

Yet for the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel shiny and new.