#glad you guys like this silly little blog of mine <3

[jils-things]

I would never fall in love again until I found her

I said, "I would never fall unless it's you I fall into"

I was lost within the darkness, but then I found her

I found you

[3.25.23]

ouueeehh we're back to my corny love letters like last time 💜 again absolutely NO pressure reading these, because it WILL get lengthy 💜 this also serves as a personal love letter that i can archive!

ahh, steven st.one. a wild card in my f/o list. i never thought i'd find myself to like him... i've always tried my best to avoid the pretty boy design after i've gotten older which is why i was oddly in denial during my early steven days hehe... the earliest memory i have of him is just me battling him in my ruby emulator back in the 4th grade - but i don't think i actually remembered him too well, i only thought he looked like a silly anime version of the classical composer be.ethoven and tbh, i still like to think he does look like him in the rse style lolll 💜

for the whole, actual story - it was just last year - i was reading the r/s arc, of course. it was one of those days in school where i had nothing much to do and snuck my phone to read manga to pass some time. at some point, my classmate joined to read with me - it was at this moment where steven debuts properly and it caught my classmate by Surprise. she thought he looked very handsome! to which i teased her... strangely enough, this exchange impacted me? maybe it's because someone acknowledged what i was doing and even bothered to briefly read along with me - so in a way steven kinda bookmarked that memory.

so after that exchange, i just kept on reading. everytime he had something to say, i couldn't help but just stare at his face? he looked nice, i guess? he's also very gentle and polite... i kept this thought of mine for quite sometime until i was discussing the manga arc with my p.okespe mutual and he mentioned him. i somewhat confessed he looked nice and that was the biggest mistake i've ever done because what my friend did after was absolutely blow me with art after art of the pretty rock collector and i was STRUGGLING. it ultimately came down to this one cute panel in the o.ras chapter where he was blushing and I wasn't the same person since then 🚶🚶🚶and funnily enough, i told myself I wasn't going to fall for anyone because of the manga and whoopedoo p.okespe!steven my beloved the greatest man ever. i mean i love the game counterpart as well, they're nearly identical - it's just the manga that totally swept me... sighhhh

steven is such a nice character to begin with, he's honestly a very humble and nice champion. he's not showy about his identity and would rather be alone by himself to indulge in what he wants. he is willing to give up a very respectable position in the po.kemon league just to pursue his interests and with that i see a man not after power and fame but a man who just wants to find joy in what he does even if it demotes him. on top of that, he's just a sweet gentleman. he was raised well of course, and you can see it clearly in his acts in the story. i love him very much for that and who wouldn't want those traits?

i was really absolutely embarrassed to be all over this guy at first - it took a whole month for me to actually share to my blog about how i liked steven and took awhile to adjust to that fact that i opened up about it 😭 but the community was very kind and supportive about the pairing and if i'm being honest, i think stevaide made a super lasting impact on my blog recently and it's really so comforting to picture them as a young loving married couple with ruby. it made me feel unashamed with what i can do with my silly ships. i'm still very glad for the endless support for steven and jaide.

soo, yes. happy memoryshipping 💜💚 thank you for making my times of struggle more bearable if not perfect and thank you to everyone who enjoys this ship even if it was just a little bit :]

credits to @/cafekitsune <3

[laugtherhyena]

What are some of you're favourite Sprite edits you've made Whether that be this year, or any over years you've been in the sprite editing business

Ok so I've made A LOT of edits over the years so it took a lil while for me to sort out the favorites and why exactly, but here it is so get ready for some rambling!

First things first i gotta say this isn't really organized from the one i like the most and least, i like all of these edits a whole lot and i really don't think i can pick one or two to be the favorite.

So let's start from the start (sorta) i have to give a spot to my Fantasy Au twins edits, it would be illegal to not put them in this list

The Sdra2 Fantasy Au was one of the first things i made in the fandom and i was attached to it for a long while. These are actually the 4th version of their sprites, out of all them only the 3rd had a full gallery of sprites and trust me they were complex since on top of posting i even made different tails and ears to move around depending on the emotion of the sprite.

Even tho i never finished this 4th take on them I'm pretty happy with the redesign (since as i grew older i realized some of my choices were questionable and i really should have thought more before just going with it, just keep in mind i was a dumb 14-15 year old then) and the improvement on graphical quality because not only does it show how much i improved in editing but also because editing the fantasy twins were my first really hard edits and i was always happy with how well i was able to translate their weird little designs to sprite form.

The Fantasy Au as a whole had a lot of edits with a bunch of complicated details that i never finshed and although I don't like them as much as the twins i do feel like they deserve to be shown somehere so have this pile of lizards, undead firemen and two human girls.

(fun fact; i didn't know how to add textures back then so see those scales on the dragons? I made them all by hand-)

Next one on the list has gotta be the Nijiue siblings! Crazy to think these guys are only 2-3 years old like it feels like they've been with me for ao much longer!

These guys where my first try at making Oc sprites since before all i did were Au stuff and they're very very dear to me, as you can probably guess by the amount of spites an different iterations i made of them over the years. While there are a few things i could improve upon them if i were to remake their edits nowadays, i never felt a strong need to do so because as it is their sprites hold up well imo so remaking them feels unnecessary to me.

And you know I can't really talk about them without mentioning the Voidswap Au and a couple tumblr blogs owned by friends of mine. After Voidswap's cancelation i didn't thought I'd ever use these guys for anything so to think that nowadays there's so many people who not only know these characters but care for them a lot out of seeing them in Asoot and Dfta more recently really fills me with joy! I'm glad y'all enjoy my silly siblings so much and obviously huge thanks to the mods for wanting to include them in their stories, I really couldn't be more thankful for that!

And since we're talking about the fam, let me add Mako to the list as an honorable mention of sorts, a i'm still very happy with how i made her adult designs especially the whole closed trenchcoat and open trenchcoat thing she has going on and how i was able to cary out the heart motif on both of them :]

This next one is one of my newer edits + a pretty simple one which is this Irl Sora design i made for mod Bubbles around early this year.

Honestly, I don't even know how to explain why i like it this much? Maybe it's because Sora is one of the characters from Sdra2 i still decently enjoy or because i had a fun time coming up with her design. I had in mind that i wanted something plain and simple just like her in-game one, just adapted to a more adult look. Rolled up sleeves to resemble her uniform's ones and a scarf to bring back the spark of red her old design had, i also gave her the short hair that post game Yuki has because it's still her body at the end of the day + i think butch-ish Sora looks pretty good :]

From simplicity we jump back into weirdness with these last ones because obviously i wouldn't leave my girls out of this list, what did you guys even expect?

Favoritism? Absolutely, by now I'm sure all of you know how much i like these two but focusing on the graphical side for once, I'm super proud of their designs, i think they fit with the weirdness of some of Linuj's design choices pretty well which in turn makes them look kinda legit? In my head at least. I also had a lot of fun working on their sprites, especially Beni's since it had been a long while since i last tried to really exaggerate expressions on sprites of my characters so that was really fun! + I'm super proud of the baby sprites i made of them too, almost as much as i like their standard/adult designs really.

[paging-possum]

Nat | pronouns who cares | guy who draws

COMICS: I make them sometimes! You can find them on my itch.io!

COMMISSIONS: they are CLOSED! im BUSY. That said when they reopen the information is here!

I talk about the ttrpg campaign I’m in a lot! It’s #cape kids if you’re interested but in the meantime you can look at some silly guys.

- All my other art is tagged #my art :3 I’m very bad at tagging things for organization but you’ll likely catch a stray dndads/d20 post from time to time.

- ask me about my autoimmune disease!!! I have celiac and this is a genuine offer, I love talking about it and I’m glad to answer or at least help find answers to any celiac question you might have! Please don’t be afraid to ask

- I am a medical illustration student and sometimes reblog things that are a little gory and bloody- I tag those, but just a warning! my tag for medill adjacent things (mine or others') is #med ill tag

- pronouns in this post are my current preferred ones however I don’t really care that much how people refer to me as long as they don’t get me involved in it. That’s not my problem to figure out.

- I love to just say shit on my blog it’s like the notes app to me. But if you don’t love me at my stupidposting you don’t deserve my drawings 💖💖

[knifvd]

quick , obligatory new year's eve post . thank you to everyone for always being so kind , accomodating , and amazing to me and welcoming me back from my third blog once again :pleading: . you guys make me so happy to write and i can't wait to continue to do so into the new year . i'm gonna b a little gay after this , but i want to give a special thanks 2 these people .

@killerhubby ori , my love . thank u for being one of the main reasons i continue to write and come back to tumblr . i've only known u for a couple months but it feels like years , and now we're married and i pocket sage you ? we're clearly 4lyfers and i ripped up the return reciept . you're mine ( and im urs ) forever n ever . icb i used to be afraid of u , but i'm so so blessed 2 have u in my life . here's to u moving in w me so i can finally pee on ur desk ( real ) i can't wait to continue to write and hang out with u more . thank u for helping me feel safe and loved nd welcome . love u lotsa .

@stamour god we need to get off this godforsaken app LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO but somehow we always come back to each other . thank you for turning away whenever i bring aiko back from the dead for the 30th time and always always indulging with me and making fun of the rpc w me . i'm so glad to have made a friend like you and making this site bearable . okay lets go just send each other inboxes and never do threads threads are overrated <3

@solivcgant mochi . i love you . you've seen me through it all and i am so BLESSED to have met u and for you to always put up with my shit . i love writing and talking with you and you always follow me even though ive been through a billion blogs . you're always a pleasure to write with and talk to and i appreciate you not giving up on me when i take forever and a day to respond . xoxo ily

@daemonry god they've been friends for too long but hi we still need to sprint it on some LEAGUE together ( real ) but you're always super fun to talk to and write with , so thank you for putting up with me and all my stupid muses .

@valhiir em... my love ... my one connection to the league community ... you're an AMAZING writer i know i still owe you that soraka reply but ill give it to you soon . thank you for always checking up on me and messaging me even though you don't have to and ive been awol for thirteen years :sob: i cant wait to write more with you in this upcoming year and force u to adc for me ( mwahahahha ) ...

@galaxythixf NOVAAA aa i absolutely adore writing with you and talking with you ooc , thank you for letting me scream in your ear about any little thing whether it be something abt life , val , our muses , anything . heres to playing val and all the angst in the future for us !

and ofc , shouts out to @ferinehuntress , @florspinae , @puckish-rogue , @tealsteel , @dimensionalspades , @un1awful , @todestochter & @pinkminxed for putting up with me spamming u with silly questions , chatting with me ooc when i'm a scared little weenie and writing with me . here's to writing more in the future <3

and of course , last but not least , you , the person reading this . thank you for being here and supporting me while i attempt to be active and explore my muses . i cant wait to get to know all of you and write with you more . and with that being said .

pees on 2024's desk . thank you for coming to my ted talk .

♥ love , bunny

[ardenation]

I exist now!

hey. hi. hello. welcome to this little corner of mine!

my name is ardenator- but I like to be called arden. i am a fanfiction writer, though I only really actually started writing with the intention of posting about half a year ago, however long I've been writing before that.

I write for various parts of the LoZ fandom. Breath of the Wild, Skyward Sword, Wind Waker, and now mostly just Linked Universe. I've been in this fandom for a while, ever since I fell in love with Wind Waker when I was really really young. I literally have a cat named Medli. yes, that Medli.

anyway!

LoZ games I have played and therefore have actual knowledge of:

a little bit of Zelda I and II, some of Four Swords Adventures, Wind Waker, Phantom Hourglass, Spirit Tracks, Breath of the Wild, Tears of the Kingdom, Age of Calamity, and Skyward Sword. i'm too scared i'll get something wrong to write for any other games, unfortunately. i'm working on it!

here's some basic stuff you may or may not wanna know about me:

age?

young. not a kid, not an adult. and i'm still in school which hinders my time to write to an extent. that's all i'll say lmao

gender?

wdym what's that

favorite zelda game?

wind waker. forever and ever. and also skyward sword <3

favorite linked universe link?

sky!!!! i love him so so so much.

favorite tropes/tags?

hmm. fix-its, probably. anything goes wrong ever at all? you better believe I'm reading/writing something to make myself happy. and i do write quite a bit of angst! i am an angst enjoyer and proud. i eat it for every meal.

anyways, my asks are always open! i write A LOT, but never actually have the courage to post 80% of it. sorry about that.

also!! a lot of the stuff i write (but haven't posted yet lol) has this character named Spirit. i really like to think spirit tracks link is his own guy that just never joined the chain initially, and as a huge spirit tracks enjoyer i talk about him a lot. he's my silly guy and i love him. if you're ever curious about my interpretation of him i'd be glad to explain!!

my ao3 is linked in the bio, where i have very few fanfics actually posted so far, but i have tons of wips and would be glad to accept ideas and requests.

wow, you're still here! that's pretty cool. i'm not new to tumblr but i'm VERY new to having this blog thingy. i'd be happy to talk with anybody if you're comfortable!

i hope i got everything!

wishing you the best,

arden

[karliesbuzzcut]

So I don’t know how you guys feel about the ‘Realistic Kaylor Timeline’ that’s been doing the rounds on this corner of the internet. I’m guessing some of you might feel conflicted, others might strongly disagree with some parts of it - but do not worry. I’m here to tell you how to feel about it: you love it. Because it’s mandatory to love anything that can get such a feral reaction out of TTB.

Today I’m bringing you

Top 7 Moments from TTB vs. Swiftiesleuth 2020

Fair wairning: I’m going to be very biased - I’ve not made my adoration for @swiftiesleuth a secret at all.

1. TTB’s grand entrance. LLLLLET’S GET READY TO TUMBLRRRRR!

Her disjointed sentences already let you know she’s a bit shaken “FAKE NEWS! The author admits they do not have inside knowledge like I do! I have all the inside knowledge, they only have outside knowledge, which ew - it’s muddy outside, and there’s bugs.”

2. Married people don’t ‘bonk’ - they make respectful and dignified love to each other. Preferably from opposite sides of the room.

My favourite was definitely when she said “if you’re a queer woman then you should really think about how you talk”. I vote for unpacking this one.

That ‘if’ - because of course, TTB has to perform a background check on you before she allows you to join The Gays.

That ‘should’. Please, TTB, complete that thought for us. Why is it that, as a queer woman, swiftiesleuth should do something in particular? You are not implying that she has to be especially careful about her words because she’s queer, right? I mean, you wouldn’t 😱 you’re a Social Justice Warrior after all.

TTB doesn’t like to be called “dude” either:

Which is why I suggest we all start calling her ‘Our Dude’. She will be our collective dude. And we can all be her little Dudes! It’ll be delightful, I’m telling ya.

3. In the year of our lord 2020, TTB decides it’s a good idea to pull the “I can’t be racist; my best friend is black” - but make it Jewish.

On this one I want to take a bit of a more serious tone, so I’ll limit myself to only one fart joke. I had no idea there were circumstances in which you couldn’t say you ‘converted’ to Judaism. I genuinely love that this seemingly silly passtime of mine actually teaches me new things. Now, I’m going to take a wild-ass guess and say TTB didn’t know that either... but more on this coming up.

Right now, let’s all rejoice at her choice of saying “I have facts” and right afterwards “Kaylor is likely already married”.

Kaylor, the sole entity, is married.

4. TTB tells herself “You know what? I haven’t been racist enough today”

At this point, TTB has become a cautionary tale about what happens to a person when they get married to an idea. It’s genuinely scary for me to think that my brain could trick me to such an extent that I could no longer process information that contradicts my beliefs. Just imagine it, there’s something about someone else’s religion that doesn’t make sense to you, and you decide to draw your conclusions from there. Okay, cool. Then someone from said religion explains that thing that didn’t make sense. And your reaction isn’t “oh, I maybe I should think about that, this person clearly knows more than me about this particular subject”. No. Your reaction instead is “I am entitled to my beliefs”

ISN’T THAT TERRIFYING!?

But more importantly... Isn’t that fucking racist? Wait... what? You are saying that isn’t racist enough? You think TTB should’ve also said that people don’t get to be offended by a word ‘only because it has been used as a slur in the past’? And then suggest to the person who asked her not to use that word - a person who is directly affected by that kind of bigotry - to get a dictionary? Nooo, come on, that’d be overkill. We are not trying to build a cartoon villain here!

5. Whaler and TTB are disappointed parents.

Truly emps, how dare you have a mind of your own. We raised you better than that!

I loooove that this day and age a fucking reblog means unconditional support to the author of the post... I’d watch that Black Mirror episode.

6. Both swiftiesleuth & TTB leave the chat with a motherfucking BANG.

I thought that I had hit comedy nirvana when Swiftiesleuth asked if her LGBTQ flavour bothered TTB and I thought no way in hell would TTB respond to that. BUT SHE DID. Aren’t you glad to be alive to witness that? “I have no knowledge of your flavour” she says. Well, TTB, I have no knowledge of Swiftiesleuth’s flavour either, but I’m working on fixing that *double winky face*

BUT TTB was like “talking about someone’s flavour isn’t hilarious enough, let’s leave this conversation with my best material”. And reminded us all of the percentage of black people she has working for her. I wonder if she decided to do the maths right after assembling her team or after she realised she could use it as an argument. Either way, super normal behaviour.

Also, also. I’d love to know what she considers a minority “well... Gerald has a pet snake... that should bring my minority percentage up by a couple points”

7. Special guests!

You wouldn’t be able to tell by how late to the party I was, but this was a big event here on Tumblr. Everybody was there... I’m told. Because I already feel like I’ve been working on this post for the past decade, I’ll keep it short and cute.

In one corner we have whaler and swift-79,

Obligatory bulletpoint list about all the things I loved about this post:

It wasn’t enought that TTB questioned swiftiesleuth’s queerness. Whaler said “fuck it - I’m questioning this bitch’s name as well” “Nat?” “you don’t look like a Nat” “but if you insist on identifying yourself as a Nat...” “I’ll put it in air quotes though”

I’m sorry... “If we are judging from pictures”? Isn’t that all that Kaylors do in 2020? No. No. I’m sorry. You guys also have emojis, sorry!

“Even Enty has questions about his sexuality” 😱 What? Enty? A blog dedicated to posting a constant stream of celebrity gossip once said that someone, somewhere, might be gay? No! 😱

I think swiftiesleuth was accused again of working for Scooter? Conspiracy Theorists are so adorably predictable, every time anyone disagrees with them (worse if that person seems to have done some research) somebody has to yell “they’re working for the enemy!”

Anyway, time for our final guest: the lovely @youlooklikebadnews , who I could’ve asked to write this whole post for me because they definitely did a better job than me at summarising the whole thing. But not only that, they were lucky enough to get a response from TTB.

...At this point I’m fairly certain that I’ll get invited to a Secret Session before TTB ever acknowledges my existence.

Doesn’t this read like what the villain says at the end of a shitty movie? Teasing a sequel and everything?

“You have not seen the last of TTB! I’ll be back with more proof and no copyright issues! KARLIE AND TAYLOR WILL RISE! Then you will see! YOU WILL ALL SEE!”

*flourishes cape and disappears into the night*

[orbitariums]

𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐟𝐢𝐥𝐦 | 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 | 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬 (𝟒)

part three

note - i wanna thank everyone for reading once again! i'm currently in the process of writing imagines, those will be posted throughout the week, i don't want to clog up my blog bc i want y'all to see this chapter!

this one switches pov a lil more frequently, so bear with me <3 also not as smutty as other chapters, this is more of an emotionally-charged chapter!!! still a teensy bit smutty thooo. i want to make it clear that while this fic is definitely rooted in smut & sex & sex work, it is not porn without plot & will not ONLY be smut as i put effort and time into plot development / character development! i'm sure y'all know that tho. there will be conflict, there will be plot!!! i feel like that's clear already but there's discourse on smut happening rn and i wanna voice myself! omg anyways luv y'all enjoy the reaaad <3

new taglist!

playlist

word count - 8.3k

warnings - age gap, sex work, smut, vibrator, ANGSTYYY like hella dramatic, dirty talk

That slight shift that you and Steve both felt, that happiness that you realized came from talking to one another, only lasted so long... for you. You could hardly sit in your feelings about your situation with Steve before another thing that occupied all your time came crashing down upon you. Except this time, the thing brought you no such happiness or curiosity.

    You had spent almost your entire senior year working on a special lab project about drought tolerant plants in Southern California where you lived and went to school, and your professor was making completing your project incredibly hard for you. And you felt incredibly stressed out about the entire situation - not only was the project necessary to graduate, but it was your heart and soul for the past year. Now, your professor was basically saying it was "ineligible."

     "Ineligible?" Aaliyah repeated after you, after you told her what your professor had said.

     "Whatever the hell that means," you huffed as you power walked down the street, hand in hand with Aaliyah, your free hand holding a coffee.

     "That's so fucking annoying, holy shit," Aaliyah pressed a hand to her forehead. "He had the whole year to talk to you about changing your topic and...”

     "And he never did," you sighed, frowning. You settled down onto a bench where the two of you sat next to each other, staring out into the busy streets and sipping your iced coffees.

California was a beautiful place, and you were a native, you'd lived there all your life. You knew the ins and outs of your city, knew Southern California like it was your backbone. And you loved it here - loved the sun, the beaches, the way the people were either shady in the best way or incredibly friendly. You'd never really known any other place like you knew this place. You were just glad that if you had to be stressed, you could do so in California.

Aaliyah pouted, feeling for you. She placed her hand on your knee to be comforting,

     "Babe..."

     "It's okay," you sighed. You sucked it up, like always, because you had learned how to fend for yourself ever since you realized that depending on others could only lead to downfall. You would figure this out the same way you figured everything else out... on your own. You figured out your house on your own, your job, your finances.

     "Is it, though?" Aaliyah pursed her lips and squinted at you. Despite how much you tried to fend for yourself, Aaliyah was always there for you. She was one of your biggest supporters.

     "I'll just keep visiting during his office hours and work this out."

Aaliyah rolled her eyes,

     "Men are so annoying, girl. You know what, he probably wants to fuck you. With your fine ass. That's why he's doing all this."

You chuckled, shaking your head and covering your mouth, trilling back in response,

       "Okay girl, don't get too ahead of yourself."

       "I'm serious! Men are evil. Oh, except your fave."

You made a face, nearly choking on your iced coffee. This was news to you,

       "Who are we talking about?"

       "You know," Aaliyah sang slightly, nudging you and leaning against your shoulder. "Mr. Won't Show His Face."

You scoffed, rolling your eyes, but bit down on your straw with a knowing smile, eyes peeking out over the top of your shades. If you were being honest, this idea of Steve, whoever he really was, had been a fun thing to entertain during this period of stress. You'd been talking and engaging with him for two and a half weeks now, and the connection you two had was undeniable.

But you knew better - maybe he wasn't just another customer, because you could really talk to him and felt like he was real - then again, he was strictly a customer. You liked him, a lot, but you couldn't like him any more than you already did. That would be dangerous and silly, and create unrealistic expectations. It wasn't like you could go on dates or anything.

    Still, talking to him (and performing for him) did help to distract you from your stress, at least for a small amount of time. Steve was becoming less shy, less inhibited. He cracked jokes and was starting to keep up with your innate sense of sexuality, starting to navigate you, find you the way a bee might find its nectar, hidden deep inside the curvatures of a flower.

If you were a flower, you'd probably be a sunflower - bright, yellow, almost always in a positive mood, or at least trying to keep yourself in a positive mood. More than that though, sunflowers were tall and looming - you felt like that represented your put togetherness and how hard you worked, how smart you were. Only sometimes it was hard to keep yourself up and tall, but you always did it, time and time again.

But when it came to Aaliyah's comments about Steve, she mostly just made you laugh.

    "Haven't seen him yet, have you?" Aaliyah asked, raising her brows expectantly.

     "No. And I'm fine with that. He's simply another very loyal customer who I happen to like."

     "Hm," Aaliyah hummed, and you could tell her mind was up to something - some very wishful, and mischievous thinking.

     "What are you up to?" you narrowed your eyes at her and glared at her, and she just shook her head with a lazy smile,

     "Nothing. Just thinking that maybe it would be cool if he really was this really hot guy that you actually knew and he wasn't creepy and y'all... you know... started dating. Just to get your mind off a lot of crap. I know, I know, strictly against the rules, blah blah blah. No feelings for customers, it's basic shit. But in a perfect world..."

      "I know," you sighed without thinking, sipping at your drink.

     "You know?" Aaliyah questioned, surprised.

You shrugged,

     "So I've thought about it. Except, you know, in a perfect world, I'd meet a guy like Steve in like, a farmer's market or something. Not on my shady ass cam shows."

Aaliyah snorted laughing, and at the sound of her laughter, you joined in.

You continued,

     "I mean, not Steve exactly, because that would be weird. I just mean, a guy like Steve."

     "You mean a guy who makes you feel the same way he makes you feel," Aaliyah corrected you, and you glared at her again, pushing her gently.

     "Don't push it," you teased, but you meant it - you might have liked Steve, but that was all there was to it - you liked him, he was a distraction. And maybe even that was too much.

✺ ✺ ✺

As for Steve, he thoroughly enjoyed his time with you. He thought constantly about how you made him feel, how much he looked forward to talking to you. How everyday, his worry about your situation becoming more serious dissipated slowly. He could feel himself easing into you, everything that made up this character you created called Moonrose. Conversation seemed casual, like you knew each other in real life, it felt easy, and there was no pressure.

As for your connection, he had finally acknowledged that it was real, and more than either of you had wanted to realize at first. But now, there was no shame, no worry in acknowledging what the two of you had, because you were both smart enough to keep it at this level. It was like a shallow pool. There would be no drowning.

He mostly talked to Bucky about you when it came to the emotional aspect of it. He still feared that if he talked to Tony, it might come across as an issue, and might put a pause on what he had with you. But everyone noticed how different Steve was acting. Even without the phase he had gone through where he was sexually frustrated and angry, he still acted different.

Lighter on his feet, more smiley. And he was always on top of his work. You weren't distracting him from his duty, so that made the fact that he knew you had a unique connection with him more bearable. Because of you, he was learning to worry less. To have a little more fun.

    It was a bright day that week, the sun filtering in through the large windows of the meeting room where everyone was gathered. Steve was engaging in some mindless conversation with Sam and Bucky in which they were debating whether or not pineapple belonged on pizza.

     "No. I'm not sure why everyone keeps trying to put all these twists on pizza. It's pizza," Bucky scoffed, Sam rolling his eyes as a result.

    "You're just closed off. With your old ass," Sam retorted, and Steve made a face. Sam raised his hands up in surrender. "You know what I mean. What about you Steve?"

Honestly, Steve had never even tried pineapple on pizza and he didn't understand why there was such a big fuss about the banal question.

    "I don't really have an opinion," he shrugged, not expecting Sam and Bucky to start clamoring over him and trying to force him to pick a side.

    Before he even got to grasp the situation, he felt Natasha patting his shoulder,

"Hey, mind if I use your laptop? Mine's gone haywire, don't really feel like messing with it right now."

"Yeah," Steve agreed without a second thought, setting his laptop on the table and letting Natasha handle it- she was better with tech stuff than he ever was.

Natasha would use his laptop to showcase some data and start off their morning. It seemed innocent enough —a simple, barely impacting sacrifice. But Steve clearly hadn't thought everything through, because the moment Natasha logged in and hooked up Steve's computer to the holographic projector, more than just data appeared on the screen.

In fact, a whole array of women, all of them engaging in various sexual acts or preparing themselves to, showed up on the screen. And at the top, where the browser was, were the words "girlsonfilm.com."

Steve hadn't noticed all the clamor, too busy thinking (thoughts of you and thoughts of work), until Bucky called it to his attention.

"Steve," he nudged him frantically, his voice a loud whisper.

When Steve looked up at the screen, his face couldn't have gone any redder. He hadn't thought about this at all, and he had clearly forgotten to close out his browser. His heart sunk all the way to his stomach - because it wasn't just Natasha seeing this, it was everybody. And that included Tony, who was glaring pointedly at Steve from the head of the table. Meanwhile, all the others were too busy heckling Natasha and making brash comments about what was appearing onscreen. To Steve's relief, your face didn't show up, but this just might have been worse than only your screen appearing.

     "Woah, Nat, I didn't know you got down like that!" Sam hooted, cupping his mouth with his hands.

Natasha, though she was in shock as well, rolled her eyes,

     "This is Steve's laptop."

Now a hush, then another clamor of confusion and heckling, all directed towards Steve. He couldn't recoil any more, feeling the pangs of embarrassment as his eyes flashed between every one of his teammates. He felt as if there were an asteroid approaching fast, and he was right where it would land, too slow to move out of its way.

     "Steve, what do you know about 'girls on film'?" Sam nearly cackled, reading the name of the site.

Steve sighed deeply, locking eyes with Natasha as he mouthed "turn it off" to her.

     "I am, I am," she ensured him, quickly disconnecting the laptop from the projection, unplugging completely.

A beat passed, everyone staring expectantly at Steve, who was staring down at the table, trying to process his own thoughts. Like for starters, why didn't he log out the last time, and why didn't he remember to log out? And then his mind went to deeper places. He hadn't been intentionally secretive with his actions, but he had been intentionally private. It had to do with his own growth, he was learning how to navigate a world that was new to him and somehow helping him at once. He didn't want to have to share this with everyone, it was nice having this to himself, he had no intentions of revealing what he had been doing in his past time that made him so happy.

One of the reasons he didn't want everyone to know about his situation was because he didn't want to have to be concerned with what everyone else might think. Because to begin with, being on a site for cam shows wasn't exactly everyone's idea of what Captain America might be up to these days.

It was a matter of his image, what values he was supposed to hold. This didn't exactly match, and Steve had just gotten over the idea that he was a bad, sneaky person because of what he chose to indulge in. At least here he knew it was ethical and not causing harm to you as a human being.

He also didn't want to have to deal with the insufferable questioning and teasing his team would put him through, or the judgment he thought they might put him through. He felt embarrassed, exposed, and like he had been ill prepared for a situation like this. He was just grateful they hadn't seen more, because that would've been a disaster. What they had seen was only at the surface level of what he'd been doing.

But his thinking was interrupted by Tony's voice, which broke through all the silence, and made Steve realize again the eyes that were on him.

     "Well, jig's up," Tony sighed, leaning back in his chair. "Care to explain?"

Steve locked eyes with Tony, as if hopeful that he wouldn't have to, but he knew it was best for him to just spit it out. Tony shrugged apologetically, and Steve took in a deep sigh, looking around at everyone at the table.

     "What was that?" Scott whimpered, probably the most distraught by what they had all seen.

Steve nodded solemnly and began to explain himself. He would tell the truth, but that didn't mean he had to tell them everything. You would be left out of this, if anything. He'd just explain to them that sometimes, duty calls - and sometimes, it's not at all work-related.

✺ ✺ ✺

It was just hours before your cam show when another disaster struck, the first one being the fact that your professor was giving you shit about your project. You were in the bathroom, getting ready for your show, fixing your hair up and doing your makeup, laying out an outfit, doing all the things you did to feel pretty before a show.

    Your phone lay beside you on the bathroom table, pinging with messages every now and then. You ignored it, leaning closer into the mirror to get a look at your lipstick, dabbing your fingers into the pigment on your lips.

You smiled, feeling that gratifying sense of achievement. Despite what was going on with your professor, you felt like you were doing well in life. You usually had a positive mindset, enjoyed your work although you sometimes felt as if you were buried deep in all your occupations: student, office worker, cam girl, designer, young woman. Your life was never dull, and you wouldn't trade it for anything. Talking to Steve helped too, but it was more than that.

But that sense of satisfaction all seemed to dissolve when you looked down at your phone, and saw a text from an unsaved number, glaring bright on your glowing lock screen of you hiking with Aaliyah. Still, you recognized it immediately.

xxx-xxx-xxxx

I miss you. Text me back.

✺ ✺ ✺

Steve wasn't exactly keen on joining your live show today, but he did so anyway, because he still had time to himself despite the spiral of events that had happened earlier. There was nothing else to do, and he didn't want to miss out on you after attending almost all of your shows for the past almost three weeks. Didn't want to just leave unexpectedly.

It felt strange that he felt this tug of commitment, but he brushed it off. He was just fulfilling his needs, which should even be expected of him. He was stressed again, after being caught up like he was. And maybe that was all the more reason not to watch your show tonight, but he wouldn't devoid himself of the simple pleasures of life. He'd learned that lesson a while ago, from a special someone called Moonrose.

After everything transpired, he explained himself calmly to his team, slowly to ensure that they'd understand that this wasn't the beginning of a deviant phase, that he wasn't throwing away his work responsibilities to lurk on the NSFW side of the internet. Not that they ever thought that to begin with, they never questioned his abilities or his authority for a minute, not even in the midst of what they'd seen that had shocked them.

This was the product of Steve's own insecurities and his admittedly silly fear that he was somehow letting his team down. He told them that he was on the site, as recommended by Tony, to relieve some "frustration" that he felt he didn't have the time or the means to release in real life. He said that while it had helped him do that, he wasn't throwing away his responsibilities, nor was he dependent on the site or the things on it, or the people on it for that matter.

He knew that if they knew about you, all those private sessions, all those conversations you'd had, the connection you had built between the two of you, it might be a different story. But because they didn't, they appreciated his honesty. They were confused, it didn't seem like the kind of thing Steve would be into, and he ensured them that it was a shock to him as well.

But they didn't mind on the whole, it was just a shock to everyone at first. They didn't think it called for a meeting, thought it was almost humorous how serious Steve was being about such a trivial situation. Wanda had joked about how we've all been there, Thor denied ever having to do such a thing because: "I have all the romantic partners anyone could ask for. I could introduce you Steve, but these Asgardian women are fiery, far beyond anything I believe you could handle." In the end, Steve was relieved, felt like it didn't have the disastrous outcome he'd been expected.

But he could feel his guard slowly coming back up. That was a close call, and it was a little too close for comfort. He didn't want to disregard you, but he couldn't afford to sink further in, and get his team involved. He just didn't want to face the consequences he could imagine if they knew how much he decided to stick with you, how much you talked, how it was teetering off the range of normal customer to cam girl interaction.

It wasn't like he was careless when it came to his interactions with you, but he also didn't want his team to know about his business when it came to you. He didn't want them thinking he was engaging too much, didn't want it to get to the point where he was worrying again or felt like he needed to deny himself such wonderful feelings.

All these things were on his mind while he waited for your live show to start. When it did, and he saw your face, he felt a little bit alleviated. Just for now, he could have this fantasy to himself. If they knew about the site, so be it. At least he had you to himself.

      "Hey guys," you mustered a smile, waving to the camera.

Unbeknownst to your viewers, you had spent the past few hours off camera panicking, on the verge of tears, calling Aaliyah frantically so she could help calm you down. That text from that mysterious unknown number had been from your ex's number. The same ex who made you fall into dependency patterns that you worked so hard to get out of, the one who made you feel like you had to work for his love. Like it wasn't something you deserved, just like anyone else.

You had worked so hard to finally wring out all the effects of him, all the bad habits you had fallen into because of him. That was part of the reason why you worked so hard. Not because you were actively avoiding him specifically, but because you were actively bettering yourself. You weren't looking for a relationship. But you knew that if you were in one now, the same things would never happen to you.

When you got that text, it triggered a flood of memories. Feelings you had to work to suppress and actually get over for months so you wouldn't fall back into the same desperate, needy patterns when it came to your relationships with people. All over a simple text from someone you hadn't heard from in almost a year. It hurt you how easy it was to get you to crack, even if you didn't spill out all the way. But on top of the added stress because of school, you were damn close.

You would do the show tonight, anyway. It helped you to escape, although Moonrose was a part of you, it didn't one hundred translate into real life. So in a way, this helped you escape real life. Just for a while. Just like Steve.

You grinned when you saw concerned comments from your watchers:

johnGuy182

Are you okay, moonrose? You seem a little sad.

zenongirl

Girl r u ok? i missed seeing your face!!!

     "Guys, I'm okay," you grinned. And you actually felt better seeing comments from your supporters. It reminded you to cheer up - they were looking for a good show, not a sob story. You leaned back, revealing your stomach in the sheer, sparkly fringed bra you chose to wear (another piece you had designed by yourself). "It's been a looong day."

Steve watched silently, observing your behavior. He didn't notice drastic changes, but you did appear less chipper. Then again, he brushed it off. He didn't expect you to be smiley all the time, you were human too, and this was your work.

"But I'm okay," you reassured, giving that signature grin, genuine and charming and alluring. You were trying to gently distract yourself, get into your act. "I hope you're all just as lovely as I am. I have a special game for you today."

You directed your viewers to your spinning wheel, which you had been working on crafting that week for a game. You grinned as you spinned it. Each act on the wheel cost a certain amount of tokens, and by the end of the game you would garner a bunch of funds. The show went by relatively quickly as you played the game, eventually ending up completely naked.

As ordered by the spinning wheel, you were to use a vibrator. You held it against your clit at the highest setting as you watched the numbers of viewers and the tokens jump up, Steve watching as he stroked himself leisurely. Your legs shook as you restrained yourself from your orgasm so as to increase the length of your showtime, garner more coins to encourage you to come.

     "Mm," you moaned, massaging the vibrator against your clit, getting wetter and slicker by the minute, sliding the toy between your folds. You laughed, breathless. "Fuck, this thing is so powerful. Someone make me come, please make me come. Just a few more tokens for me to come for you."

Steve was hesitant, but he decided to go ahead and give you the amount of tokens you needed. And when you heard the chime of the tokens being added to your account, and saw the name it was attached to, it was like a blast of euphoria. When your legs started to shake, when you started to moan and your stomach started to rise up and down, it was genuine. It was like you were back in a private room with him, although you weren't.

Your orgasm was blood-curdling in the best way, and you felt like you were releasing part of the stress of the past day, the past week. It didn't get any realer than this, once again you felt like he was really there to satisfy you.

      "Oh!" you exclaimed, your mouth dropping open and your blood flowing, moaning. "Yes, Steve, I'm coming for you. Thank you for making me come, Steve!"

Steve had been stroking himself along with you as he watched, and only let himself come now that you had come, his cheeks heating up as he heard you moan his name, something he hadn't been expected. Something about you saying his name like that where everyone could hear, even though he enjoyed the intimacy of private rooms, felt victorious. It felt lewd, salacious, but he couldn't help but enjoy that aspect of it. He moaned through grit teeth while he came, stroking himself to completion.

You came down, thanking everyone for attending and ending the show. But it wasn't long after that you had requested Steve for a private chat. He accepted, because he had gotten used to you doing this a little more frequently. It didn't scare him any more, he just thought of it as making conversation, taking advantage of this connection you had with each other. So when you requested, who was he to say no.

When the chat log opened, you put on your best happy face for Steve, trying to conceal how fatigued this week, today in particular, had made you. But your tired, bleak voice gave it all away, buried deep beneath your smile,

    "Hey, Steve."

Steve was surprised at the sound of your voice. Again, while he understood that you wouldn't be a happy go lucky fairy like personality all the time, he wasn't expecting this. You were smiling, but the weariness in your eyes was hard to miss. And your voice, which usually told light hearted tales, sounded worn down as if from tragedy. He was concerned, his eyebrows furrowed gently,

     "Hi. How are you?"

     "I'm good!" you exclaimed, trying your hardest to really sound "good."

But you were just tired. Tired and sad, and scared - scared of what the future had to hold. You were already dealing with school stress, and the text from your ex-boyfriend was like a bad omen, an anxiety-provoking assurance that things actually would not get better and they would in fact get progressively worse. You weren't even sure why you thought you should be talking to Steve if you were tired and just wanted to sleep off the weight of the week. It would be a weekend tomorrow, and one of your very rare days off.

Maybe you figured that you wanted to talk to him despite your fatigue, because conversation with Steve was a nice distraction. You had let yourself forget that this was still your job, and that you were too tired for anything sexual — you knew he liked talking to you, but you hadn't put into consideration the fact that he might request a sexual act from you. You would be burnt out if he did. The fact that you didn't think about that should've been telling, but your brain was too scattered to think straight.

Anyway, Steve called your bluff, and laughed quietly, his voice inquiring and pressing,

      "How are you really?"

That was all it took to get a deep sigh to come from out of you, all it took to allow yourself to show your true feelings, at least the surface of them, what you felt comfortable showing a customer. You felt a sense of relief and gratefulness for Steve, like he was letting you breathe. And if anything, he especially wasn't enlisted to listen to your problems. But he wanted to, and for that you felt foolishly grateful.

    Steve noted the deep sigh that came from out of you, and he frowned slightly. He could tell you had been holding this in for a while, and some part of him felt remorse for the fact that even though you clearly weren't in the right mindset, you went on and did your show anyway. He felt some guilt for being a part of the reason why you did your show.

    You answered, allowing your voice to be as honest as possible.

    "Honestly?" you chuckled a little, albeit bitterly. "I don't know if you really want to hear me rant to you."

Steve shook his head.

    "Don't be silly," he grinned. "I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to."

You felt a warm rush in your chest from the reassurance, and the corner of your lip quirked up in a small smile, before you decided to dive in. You'd spare the emotional details, spare your private life. But it would be nice to talk to someone, just about the general things, right?

    "Well, it's been a pretty stressful week, honestly. I mean, school's been the main source of my stress. My professor's such an asshole, he's basically been telling me my entire senior project, which I need to complete to graduate, needs to be redone? And I can't even fathom how I would have enough time to do that with like, two and a half months left of my senior year. I mean, he said I can keep most details, but I'd have to rework it, whatever that means."

    You kept your emotions at bay, sighing in annoyance just at the story you told, because it really was irritating you. But then you felt deeper things, even more went into why you really were upset.

    Steve nodded, just listening. He was prepared to offer advice, but in your situation, he thought that maybe just letting you rant would be best.

    "That's gotta be annoying," he shook his head understandingly. "Whatever your project is, I'm sure it's wonderful. He shouldn't be forcing you to rework it or make any last minute changes."

    "I know!" you nearly jumped up, feeling amped up now. "And it's just so fucking annoying because I work so hard and I'm really passionate about this project and it just feels like..."

    It felt like you were about to overflow, like a pot of water that had been left on for too long. You were ranting almost uncontrollably now, maybe because of the fact that it was more than this that was tugging at you. Because you'd been carrying the weight of your life on your shoulders all the time, like Atlas carrying the sky, and it felt like that weight was finally starting to mean something.

    Steve could see you were unraveling and he let you, he let you take the time you needed to feel everything you had been holding. If your connection was strong, it was at its strongest here. Sure, you and Steve chatted about a little bit of everything, even had deeper conversations here and there as the weeks went by. But you had yet to genuinely complain to him, because every time you spoke with him, you were happy go lucky Moonrose, with nothing to complain about to begin with. But now, you needed a release by any means, and you were just glad Steve was there for you, even if he wasn't really there. How unlike you to unfold in front of strangers.

   Your breath stuttered as you took in a deep breath in a failed attempt to calm down, only further driving yourself into your rambling. You felt yourself tear up, your voice becoming watery as you continued,

    "It just feels like all my work is turning to shit, and it's so fucking frustrating because I work so hard all the time, I do so much and I manage so much all the time."

     The "hard work" you were talking about wasn't just school and work-related, it pertained to your journey, and how hard you had worked to be a better person. To support yourself. The emotions pent up inside of you, they were more than just being upset over a school project. The idea of someone toxic trying to re-enter your life, someone who had forced you to rework the entirety of your life, made you feel like you were on the verge of crashing. You knew better, but you didn't want to return to those dark days, where the light at the end of the winding tunnel that was your relationship seemed so far away. It was why you were so weary of relationships today. It was crazy how one person could change your life so easily.

     Now you were crying, before you even noticed that you were crying. Tears just seemed to leak out of your eyes, sloshing wet and sudden against your cheeks and underneath your lashes. You wiped them away quickly with the back of your hand, frazzled at the fact that you were crying in front of a customer right now. Steve said he'd listen to you, he didn't say he'd watch you cry and be your therapist. You instantly regretted it, although you couldn't stop yourself, tears threatening to emerge again. If you were cracked before, you were spilling now.

    Steve was surprised too, at the fact that you were crying. You appeared so put together to him, it was almost something he didn't expect from you. He was in shock at first, so much so that professionalism was not on his mind - it was an afterthought. Right now, instead of wondering if this was appropriate, he was occupied with you.

    "I'm sorry," you murmured, but you still hadn't stopped, tears falling out as you blinked. Composure was nothing now, you were sobbing, your shoulders slumped and your head hung as you sniffled. Still you enforced control, wiping away every tear that fell with the back of your hand. "I'm really sorry, I don't mean to cry to you over this, that's so-"

Steve cut you off, shaking his head slowly,

    "It's okay to cry, doll. We all have those days. I know better than anyone that we all have those days."

    You mustered a smile, feeling cared for, feeling accounted for by someone who wasn't even obligated to have to see you like this. Still you shook your head, sniffling,

    "I know. But it's-it's stupid, I shouldn't be crying in front of you."

    "I'm not judging you," Steve said, so nonchalantly and firmly, so genuine that it almost scared you.

You blinked. He should've cared, and he should've judged you. To cry in front of Steve, a customer, was to imply he had some duty to comfort you when he probably just wanted a show. You knew that you didn't have to do anything you didn't want to, but even you had rules when it came to what your customers got to see, and to you, that meant they didn't have to deal with your blues.

     "Really?"

     "Really," he reassured you with a nod.

    Was Steve scared that by giving you this reassurance, this entire situation could become deeper than either of you could handle? Yes. But did he let himself shut down because of those pervasive thoughts that he might get himself into trouble? No. He didn't see you as a liability right now. Right now, even though the situation was certainly questionable (and this was something he had no doubt about. When emotions get into the mix, things could get tricky- he knew this), he saw you as someone who desperately needed someone to talk to. Maybe it wasn't smart of you to make him that someone, but regardless, he was, and who was Steve Rogers not to listen to a person in need?

    You blinked away the last of your tears and swallowed hard. You were making this choice consciously, to tell Steve what had really gotten you to your breaking point. And maybe telling him meant you had trust in him, maybe too much trust for someone who, while great, was still a customer. But you felt like there was nothing you could lose from telling him. Maybe you'd even feel better after the fact.

    You looked down, picking at the body glitter on your arm that you had applied before the show. Your voice was considerably quieter now perhaps because you were looking back on the moment with a clear mind for the first time since it happened. You hadn't been thinking straight ever since you received the text just hours ago. Now your brain was a little quieter with the help of your tears and Steve's reassurance.

       "I think that the stress of this school project is making me resent how hard I work for everything, just to be met with this kind of result, you know? And it's even worse when... things seem to be going backwards. You know, like when you make so much progress, moving on from things that don't serve you, and you've finally done it and you get to flourish in it and then, it just gets taken away from you. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but that's just how this feels."

     Steve nodded, his jaw ticking as he let your words settle in. Somehow, although your situation was so different from his, he felt like your words perfectly described how he felt with the world sometimes. It was even part of the reason he'd held off on talking to you like this, held off on getting too involved. He too had made so much progress in this world, which took so much getting adjusted to in a way that absolutely nobody else could relate to.

    It was a world that he didn't even know, a world that he had never been properly introduced to. He'd had to fend for himself. He did his healing on his own, just like you had. And yet sometimes it felt like he had no control, like the universe was going the opposite way of all his plans. Then he felt stupid for even having plans to begin with, because in life, making plans was like comedy for the gods.

    There was a weird feeling in his chest and stomach, like he'd been stabbed with a gutting realization, and the knife was just turning inside of him, churning his insides. He began to feel a sense of unease, because this deep conversation was beginning to feel incredibly personal. Even though you were talking about your own situation, he couldn't help but think about how much he resonated, and the fact that he felt like he could relate to you on such a deep level scared him. This was more than the conversations you'd had before, more than the simple similarities you and Steve shared. This felt like a conversation that might be too telling for his good and your own.

     He swallowed his words as he listened to you continue. You chose your words carefully, but you had shed yourself of your inhibitions when it came to being truthful.

     "Earlier... I heard from someone I hadn't heard from in a long time. And it kind of pushed me over the edge," out of your mouth stumbled a laugh. You were calmer now, and looked up at the camera, Steve swallowing hard when you did so. It was all so real, just like it was when you touched yourself and moaned Steve's name. "I think it just made me feel all those things I just explained. Because I feel like I worked so hard to rid myself of this person and them trying to come back just feels like all the things I worked so hard on are going to unravel. Even though I know they aren't, it feels like a setback. And that was like, the icing on the cake to this already terrible day, I guess."

      You let out a breathy laugh and smiled gently, shaking your head slowly.

     "I normally wouldn't be telling this to a customer. But here we are. Again, I'm sorry... I feel like I shouldn't have said anything? Should I... have said anything?"

In the brief silence that followed your question,  both you and Steve were thinking the same thing - were you going to regret this? Intimacy both physically and emotionally was good when you capped it at what you both knew to be appropriate. When it came to the physical aspects, you each let your fantasies unwind.

    And on the emotional aspect, though you had both grown closer and more open, some things just didn't get touched upon. But now you had just cried over the screen, and spoke from the depths of your heart. It was scary to open up in such an uncertain situation where your own privacy was an aspect that got involved. There was no doubt that it was too much. It was just a question of whether the result would be negative.

     Steve sighed deeply, a crease forming in his forehead as he furrowed his brows together, folding his arms over his chest.

     "I don't know..." he trailed off, took a breath, a leap, his body practically lurching forward. "But... it can't be a bad thing that you feel comfortable talking to me about this, can it?"

      And there it was, that glint of hope he was trying his hardest to conceal. That feeling he got when he got off that call with you, the one where you both started giving into those unspoken thoughts. That this couldn't be so bad, that you could enjoy each other's company without worrying.  

     You smiled gently,

    "I guess. It does feel weird though, it's not something I normally do. It feels like something I shouldn't be doing."

    You could hear Steve breathing in deeply, and for a moment, you imagined what he might look like, envisioning the outline of a troubled face, eyebrows knit together. You snapped back to reality and made a face, confused by your abrupt thoughts. You had long gotten over the very brief desire to see Steve's face- why was it coming back again?

    "I'll be honest, same here," Steve agreed with your sentiments.

    "Do you always feel like you have to restrain what you say when you talk to people? Or is it just with me?" you added that last part in a quiet voice, biting your lip.

Steve chuckled briefly,

      "Are you asking me if I have trust issues? Because I'd tell you, but I'd have to trust you to do that."

You shook your head and laughed at Steve's stupid joke, and shrugged.

     "I could say the same thing, I think. This person I heard from earlier is... I developed those trust issues because of them. Or, my already existent trust issues became worse. But what's funny about it is that this person was once someone that I loved," even as the words were coming out you questioned why you were letting them, why you were allowing yourself to be so truthful in a situation like this at a time when you were so vulnerable.

      Steve didn't reply, again feeling that sick feeling in his stomach that stemmed from his fear. The fear that this conversation were too serious, fear surrounding the fact that he was able to relate so much to such a personal situation of yours.

    You spoke again, daring to ask the question that felt like a final blow to Steve's stomach,

    "Have you ever been in love, Steve?"

Now Steve knew he was in uncharted territory. Not because he feared you might try to exploit him, but because he was so struck by the fact that he had allowed himself to feel so safe with you and get so close to you. He was surprised at himself for letting you feel safe enough to have these kinds of conversations with him. It all felt like a mistake now. He wanted a way out, any way out. He knew if he even attempted to answer that question, he would be making a big mistake. He had shared some of his most intimate moments with you, but always keeping in mind a very sharp line he didn't want to be crossed.

And in his mind, he thought of the one love he'd had, the one love that hadn't been fulfilled because of the situation he had been thrown into, one he had never signed up for. He thought of how the things he cared most for in life had been discarded, how, like you, he felt like it had gone to shit. How sometimes, though he tried his best to be grateful and had taken that journey of self-healing just like you, it all felt like some sick joke.

Could he even call it love? He wasn't sure. And he wasn't going to answer. He wasn't going to answer at all, because he wouldn't be talking to you again. There would be no chance for this dilemma to resurface, not with you, not on this site. He made the decision with haste and a heavy heart - he was done here.

      The discomfort was well evident in his voice, answering loud and clear, though his voice was morose and a bit closed off. You sensed the shift immediately.

     "I... I can't talk about that right now. Listen, I have to go."

    You felt a pang in your chest at the sudden switch in his demeanor, straightening up and trying not to frown. All this time you had been letting the words spill out, telling yourself not to worry so much, reassuring yourself it was okay to make your feelings known. Now it felt like you should've never said anything at all. You started to stammer.

      "Oh, I- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry, I was just... I feel like I got a little overwhelmed." You laughed nervously. "I didn't mean to scare you."

Steve felt his throat ran dry as he blinked, feeling emotions come up to surface that he wasn't quite familiar with. Maybe he was grieving in advance, regretting the decision he was making to no longer speak with you, regretting the fact that he was letting fear get in the way of what he wanted so badly to be a good thing.

    "No, I'm sorry. I feel like I let things go too far," Steve apologized, but the apology felt more like an insult.

Was he implying that whatever this was, you couldn't handle it, and that it was his fault for somehow leading you on? You had both made the connection with each other, it was an equal effort. And why was he acting like the two of you communicating at all was somehow below him, somehow a risk? If anything, you were the one risking it just by talking to him the way you did. You were opening up to him. 

     You almost felt betrayed - you had convinced yourself that he wouldn't want to listen to your problems and you told yourself it wasn't his responsibility to listen. And then he listened anyway, told you that he wanted to hear it, and you cried to him. You felt like you had made so many unusual accommodations just for him to scare off like this. He was just another person you had expressed your feelings to, only to regret it in the end.

    "Too far?" you questioned, furrowing your brows.

Steve swallowed. In your voice he could hear a hint of frustration, but even worse- hurt. It pained him more than he cared for you to know.

    "I don't think we should talk anymore," he said instead.

    "What?" you were taken by surprise. "Steve, I'm... I'm not understanding. I... I don't usually open up to people like this, I mean, I thought maybe it was fine here, because I feel like I know you. But you're still a stranger. I understand you're a customer but I thought we were talking, I thought we broke through that wall-"

    "We did. And we shouldn't have," Steve said, his voice so calm and firm that it was almost cold.

    By now you were just staring into the computer camera, as if you were looking at him and waiting for him to come to his senses. But as you did that, you slowly came to your own. Because you weren't looking at him. You were looking at a black screen with his voice behind it. You realized you hadn't known Steve, not enough to talk about these things. And just like him, you too were full of regret. You kept all those walls up for the sake of customer relations, only to put them down and be met with this disastrous result.

    Steve almost couldn't bare to look at your face anymore. You were confused, hurt. He could tell you regretted the fact that you had opened up. He was hurt too, but he wouldn't show it, or let it overcome him to the point where your methods of communication with each other became something neither of you could control. Still, yes, he was hurt.

    But he had been through plenty of hardships in life. What was one more, even if it shouldn't have come to this point anyway?

    "I'm sorry, Moonrose. We can't. Goodbye."

Chat over.

[gladiatortale]

My DEPRESSION BEATING, fandom obsessing, shit-tastic FANTASTIC year in review!

TL;DR: I’m fixing my mental health and figuring out WHO THE FUCK I AM one fandom filled day at a time! Thank you to everyone who’s been there for me along the way. xoxo

what’s up HEATHENS.

stating the goddamn obvious here, it’s been a HELLUVA YEAR. One emotional rollercoaster after another but we’re ALMOST DONE. I know things aren’t gonna magically get better the second it flips to 00:01 on January first, but I’m excited to put this year behind me, and (SHOCKINGLY) a bit sad to see it go.

It was a year where the whole world completely stopped, we realized what is really important, what is really worth fighting for, and took a GODDAMN SECOND to just breathe.

For me personally, the year (which I’m counting off from November 1st) started out UNBELIEVABLY SHIT. I had just been kicked out of the country I called home for the last four years (thank you Brexit), I had ZERO job prospects, my depression was the WORST it had ever been, and I just didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. And in the beginning, the pandemic felt like salt in the wound, an extra kick in the teeth to my early twenties that had already “failed to launch.”

But I tried to embrace the madness, really take advantage of the world (that I always thought moved to fast) properly slowing down, and take time to try and become myself again. I wanted to figure out what I loved and try and become a bit more like the person I was before my depression got so bad.

I often say I became that Manic Trash Planet Lady™ you see in sci-fi adventure films; a bit zany to say the least, with a million ideas and a very eclectic fashion sense, but embracing the insanity as it comes...

*cough cough* audrey, get to the goddamn point!

Right. lol. THE POINT IS! 

I’m not 100% “healed”, I’m not sure if I think depression is a “oh look you’re officially cured! hooray!” type of disease, but this year I let myself ENJOY SHIT for the first time in god knows how long. I still don’t know “wHaT i WaNt To dO WiTh mY LiFe”, but I’ve got a better idea and I’m heading in (what feels like) the right direction. And most of all, I can look back and say I am better than where I was a year ago.

So I wanted to say T H A N K Y O U to the mad lads on this website that introduced me to the fandoms, shows, movies, fics... THE SHIT that made me happy this year and were there to be one (BIG) piece in my healing journey.

AND SO, with out further rambling ADO! Here are the highlights of the year marked by my ridiculous hyper-fixations and OBSESSIONS. Thanks for putting up with me ya fiends, xoxox

November 2019  The Arcana (Visual Novel)

I had just gotten home and I was in a LOOOOOOW place. Randomly decided to download this app when it came up and it proceeded to ruin my life (and my bank account...) for pretty much the rest of the year. It was exactly what I needed to get me through a tough time and I was thoroughly, horse-blinders-up-to-the-rest-of-the-world, OBSESSED. These gorgeous magical fiends ruined me and all I could say was thank you.

Joined the fandom: November 2019 Obsession peaked: Late November Obsession faded: December 2019; I started a new job AND my bank statement came in and I realized I had accidentally spent over SIXTY BUCKS on this stupid app. No ragrets, but I definitely started to phase out at that point. Fandom friends: Velma, (@lanavxds on insta) miss you girlie xx Fanfics you NEED to read: ‘Second Mistake’ by DeathBelle on AO3, because DAAAAAYUM SON. Favourite moments: Basically the whole of the Julian arc. That gangly himbo OWNED my ass for a month.

December 2019 Hazbin Hotel (TV Series)

Y’ALL okay here me out. Am I proud of this one? No. Is the show crass as hell? OOOOOOOOHHHH YEAH. Did my angsty ass love it at the end of last year? DAMN STRAIGHT IT DID. Goes without saying, but this is NOT FOR EVERYBODY, but it definitely helped me along the way to becoming more comfortable with myself and being open about being the massive geek that I always was, and watching things I enjoy regardless of what people say about it.

Joined the fandom: December 2019 Obsession peaked: Shortly there after. Fandom friends: None. Dipped one toe in fandom discourse and then promptly YEETED the fuck outta there. Obsession faded: January 2019. Still curious to see the full series if A24 actually ever does produce the whole thing, but I have def moved away from it. Fanfics you NEED to read: Haven’t read any. Maybe I’m a pussy baby piece-o-shit, but I DID NOT want to go down that rabbit hole, NO MA’AM. Favourite moments:

Discovering the Hunicast podcast. These guys are a riot and Ashley is a flustered GEM. Even if you don’t watch the show, go watch an episode of these fucking LADS just dicking about and your day will get better.

Watching the first episode with my partner and watching him realize his girlfriend is a total freak.

January 2020 Lore Olympus (Webtoon Comic)

*Officially* discovered this one thanksgiving weekend in 2019, but my Arcana phase was still raging pretty strong at that point so I didn’t really get in to it until later. EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHER NEEDS TO READ IT. It has everything and handles the reality sexual assault and it’s aftermath EXTREMELY well.

Joined the fandom: Late November 2019 Obsession peaked: January 2020 Fandom friends: KELLEY. MA GIRL XOXOXO Obsession faded: June-ish 2020. I’m like 10 chapters behind now, but I still love this story so much. Fanfics you NEED to read: SO MANY ON MY ‘MARKED FOR LATER’ LIST AAAAAH. I have to get to that... NEW YEARS RESOLUTION lol Favourite moments: Having a drunk conversation on New Years Eve in 2019 with one of my oldest friends from high school about how much she loved it too. Helped me see how popular fandom and fandoms, are especially after feeling like I needed to hide my enthusiasm through high school and uni. (THAT WAS A MISTAKE BUT I’LL GET THERE IN A MINUTE).

February 2020 Versailles (TV Series)

SO FUCKING GAY Y’ALL. Oh my god everyone in this show is so gay. Even when they’re not they still are a little bit. AND BEST OF ALL!! it’s very historically accurate (except for the demon satanic nonsense in season 3, what was that???)

Joined the fandom: February 2020 Obsession peaked: Like??? The SECOND I finished episode one. Fandom friends: none... WHERE ARE ALL OF YOU??? Obsession faded: March 2020. It was a fast and passionate love affair, what can I say? Fanfics you NEED to read: IF YOU HAVE RECS, GIVE ‘EM TO MEEEEE. Favourite moments: 

Showing the first episode to a friend of mine and the *ungodly GASP* that came out of her throat was... PRICELESS.

The ENTIRE throuple(???) relationship between the Chevalier, Philipe, and Palatine. PLATONIC/ ROMANTIC LOVE G O A L S.

March 2020 Yuri!!! On Ice (TV Series)

*deep breath* ...y’all knew this one was coming.

Was I ready for this show to ruin my fucking life? No.  Am I so glad it happened??? FUCK YEAH.

NEVER IN MY LIFE have I fallen off the deep end so quickly with a fandom. HOLY SHIT. This blog didn’t have much of an “identity” before, but I you said that this is a Yuri On Ice blog now I wouldn’t even be mad (nor could I really defend myself to the contrary... bc??? like??? just go LOOK at my archive). Craziest thing is I watched the first two episodes like?? a solid TWO YEARS ago, but I didn’t continue watching because I was just not in the right head space for all the love and silliness and positivity.

I could do a whole separate post about how much this show and how this fandom has changed my life (DON’T TEMPT ME I JUST MIGHT). But I’ll stick with the highlights for now ;)

Joined the fandom: March 2020  Obsession peaked: Has it peaked?? Went straight up and it still going lol Fandom friends: Sandra, my mentor, my queen @aeriamamaduck, my fandom ride-or-die. Thank you for taking this internet bby under your wing. RACHEL @idancewiththefairies I TRAPPED YOU HERE. MUAHAHAHA xxx Obsession faded: ON GOING. CAN’T STOP, WON’T STOP. Fanfics you NEED to read: jfc, SO MANY.

‘Until My Feet Bleed and My Heart Aches’ and ‘Of Bright Stars and Burning Hearts’ by Reiya @kazliin​ -- Rivals AU companion pieces. Longest fics I’ve ever read and JESUS CHRIST these two fucking SENT ME. Most popular YOI fics on AO3 for a REASON.

‘Tell Me Where Your Love Lies’ by @aeriamamaduck -- Royalty AU, trope-breaking ABO. Ah sweet, TMWYLL, how you’ve killed me over and over again. This BEAUTIFUL wip has SUCH amazing world-building idk where to start (Congrats on passing 50,000 hits!) EVERYONE GO READ IT.

‘Blackbird’ by sixpences -- WWII/Coldwar Spy Fic. I don’t have enough words to describe how amazing this is. It’s elevated to a higher plane beyond fanfic. Just go read it. Thank me later.

‘Zanka’ by rinsled05 @dreaming-fireflies -- The geisha fic that ruined me. *deep breath* AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH *gasp* I’m fine. lol I sooooo not ready for this fic. Holy hell, Aoyagi had my heart in his hands from the first chapter. “’Please’ [...] ‘Don’t give me hope.’“ FUUUUCK.

‘Echoes’ by Reiya @kazliin -- Future fic. First fic I cried at... BOI. I was NOT ready for this. Shouldn’t be surprised given the author, but MAN. “‘A love like that, a love like what they had together, it never leaves completely.’ Yuri spoke again, eyes still staring out onto the ice, lost in memory. ‘There are always echoes.’” JUST FUCK ME UP.

Favourite moments: Oh good lord, where do I begin??

Having two (count ‘em TWO) main characters with mental health issues (Yuuri and his anxiety and Victor with burn out and depression) and NOT MAKING IT THE ONLY ASPECT OF THEIR PERSONALITY. CLAPS FOR KUBO AND YAMAMOTO!!

Everything about Yurio (ESPECIALLY HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH YUUKO AND HIS GRANDPA), that tsundere motherfucker is too pure for this world.

THE KISS. THE PROPOSAL. MY HEART WASN’T READY. AAAAAH!!

This fandom *properly* introducing me to smut on AO3...

Thinking I was going to get Rachel to like the show... NOT being prepared for her to fall off the deep end and START LIKING REAL SKATING TOO!!

Staying up waaaaaay too late waaaaaay too often to plan out plot points for TMWYLL with Sandra. Love ya dearie.

The warm fuzzy feeling I get every time I think about Victor and Yuuri.

April 2020 Bungou Stray Dogs (TV Series)

I had a hunch I was gonna like this show considering ALL of the characters are based off of famous classic authors from around the world... what I was NOT prepared for was just HOW MUCH I was going to love it. HOLY SHIT. The art style? Love it. The plot?? Bonkers, but so fun. THE VOICE CAST??? AMAZING. Highly recommend to anyone who wants to get in to anime, great place to start.

Joined the fandom: April 2020 Obsession peaked: Probably this summer? But we have DEF plateaued in a VERY high place. Fandom friends: FIJI. MA BOIIIII @lil-1nsane  Obsession faded: Hasn’t. Hope it doesn’t Fanfics you NEED to read: So so so many. The smut in this fandom is *chef’s kiss*, but here are a few...

‘He Works Hard For the Money’ by CataclysmicEvent @cataclysmicevent2019​ -- Sugar Daddy AU. FUCK MAN. I was not expecting to like this one, but bloody hell. This fic grabbed me by the throat and WOULD NOT let me go. Praying for chapter 16! But the author is working on another STELLAR fic so I’m okay for now.

‘Everything or Nothing’ by CataclysmicEvent @cataclysmicevent2019​ -- University AU. FUCK THIS FIC. Started reading it as I was waiting for HWHFTM to update and BOI, this fic ROCKS. The alternating POV fits so well with the enemies/idiots-to-lovers vibe. Solid 10 outta 10.

‘The City Where Wind Blows’ by @raven-rein​ -- Cancer Death fic. *pained shriek* AAAAAAGUUUUUUUHHHH *gasp* aaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHHHH, FUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKK MEEEEE. THIS FIC. Only the second fic I’ve ever cried to but I BAWLED MY GODDAMN EYES OUT. FUUUUUUUCK. I was not ready, never would have been ready. This is so tremendously well done, it killed me so beautifully, 

‘Haunted by Hatred’ by DeathBelle -- Canon compliant Soukoku. It is a CRIME that DeathBelle doesn’t have more BSD fics on her page, but this one is still brilliant.

Favourite moments:

THE CHUUYA-DAZAI MAFIA REUNION TEAM UP WHEN THEY FIGHT LOVECRAFT. Ooof. BOI. We love it.

The first three episodes. Soooo many break neck plot twists.

Every insane hypothetical conversation with Fiji.

Every time Atsushi or Tanizaki is on screen bc I LOVE THESE LIL BEANS.

June 2020 Trash Taste (Podcast)

Goddamn I love these chaotic lads so much.

As I became more and more comfortable with myself and my love for anime I stumbled upon these three goons, -- Joey, Connor, and Garnt, -- best known for there SUPER successful (mostly) anime YouTube channels. Even if you don’t watch anime, WATCH/LISTEN TO THIS PODCAST. The focus is mostly on their lives and the overall expat/immigrant experience, with a bit of anecdotal anime references sprinkled in. 

This show is both wholesome and heathenous in equal measure, and after having lived abroad for a significant portion of my (admittedly still quite short) life, it was such a breath of fresh air to hear people talk so openly about how living outside your home country is both wonderful and terrifying. They’re wonderfully candid about the fact that even if you love a place dearly, no where is perfect, and you WILL hate somethings about your new home even if the majority of the experience is fantastic. I cannot rate this show highly enough.

Joined the fandom: June 5th 2020, loved it from the first episode. Obsession peaked: July maybe? I was RELIGIOUS about watching the episodes as soon as they came out. Still watch every week, but less “on time.” Fandom friends: None :( but I have tricked my partner in to listening several times :) Obsession faded: It’s dimmed from where it was, but still going strong. Fanfics you NEED to read: NONE. NEVER PLAN TO. Hard and fast rule, I don’t read fics about real people. Characters played by real people, even that’s a maybe for me. But real-real people? FUCK NO. (some of my) Favourite moments:

Any time Garnt and Connor get into a big-brain-monkey-brain argument and Joey is just LOSING his GODDAMN MIND in the corner.

Bringing a retired Japanese porn star in the show for an honest conversation about consensual sex work and showing people can have more than one career in life.

Everything about the, ‘Are Online Friends Real Friends?’ episode. GO WATCH IT, it’s brilliant.

Garnt making “chotto-THE-FUCKING-matte” an expression

August 2020 Great Pretender (TV Series)

Spent most of the summer marinating in my BSD and YOI bubbles, until THIS BAD BOI came up on my Netflix recommendations. HOOOO BOI. This is some Anime Of The Year shit right here. Has a pretty original concept (Catch Me If You Can by way of Oceans 11-ish) but generally starts out like most other shounen (sans the super powers). AND THEN EPISODE FIVE HAPPENS. Not gonna spoil it but they TOOK THAT SHIT UP A NOTCH. Brilliant, even with a bit of an insane ending. GO WATCH THIS ONE.

Joined the fandom: August 2020 Obsession peaked: Pretty much as soon as I started watching it. Fandom friends: What’s up Fiji ;) @lil-1nsane Obsession faded: Naturally faded, but so glad I watched Fanfics you NEED to read: None so far! Little scared about this one, heard mixed reviews, but maybe someday. Favourite moments:

Edamame’s “madness arc” at the end of season 2. HOOOO BOY.

Laurent getting fucking WRECKED when Edamame punches him mid way through season 2, kills me every time.

Introducing my partner to anime with this show.

October 2020 Attack on Titan (TV Series)

RETURN OF THE KING. lol

In my quest to find an anime that I can watch with my partner, I turned on season 1 of this bad boi. Holy hell I forgot how much I loved this show, NO WONDER everyone lost their goddamn minds when this show first aired. I NEED to catch up before all the season four spoilers come to get me...

Joined the fandom: Winter 2016 Obsession peaked: Basically as soon as I started watching it. Fandom friends: None yet, but I know you’re out there... Obsession faded: 2017, JUST BEFORE SEASON TWO... I should have stuck around longer I know, but it’s slowly coming back. Reeeeeally need to catch up on seasons two, three, and four. Fanfics you NEED to read: GIVE ME YOUR RECS HEATHENS. Favourite moments:

Watching my partner FREAK OUT about Eren’s “death.”

EVERYTHING ABOUT POTATO GORL! lol

Getting in a conversation with a die hard fan after I hadn’t watched it in three years and saying... “Who’s that blond bitch that cries all the time?”/ “Armin?”/ “THAT’S THE ONE!”

November 2020... kind of. Figure Skating (Sport)

Okay this one is a bit hard to explain. 

I have been a DIE HARD figure skating for A LOOOOOONG time. My grandmother got me a hat from the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City and I remember watching even then. But I first became consciously aware of different skaters, my faves, etc. from about 2010. I vividly remember watching Plushenko skating in 2014 while on a school trip to Hawaii, and my friends laughing at me as I yelled at the TV.

But I didn’t TRULY get involved in the fandom side of it until this year. I had all this knowledge bottled up, but didn’t have any skating friends to talk to... UNTIL NOW. Super ironic that this happened in a year with almost NO skating, but I’ll take what I can get ;) Also did I stay up until FOUR-GODDAMN-THIRTY IN THE MORNING a few nights ago to stream Japanese Nationals on my phone??? YOU BET I DID.

Joined the fandom: Three times; 2002, 2010, and 2020. Obsession peaked: 2014? 2018? Idk it peaks any time someone does something amazing. Fandom friends: Rachel, my girl @idancewiththefairies​, WHY DIDN’T I INTRODUCE YOU TO THIS SOONER??? Obsession faded: Hasn’t. Won’t. lol Fanfics you NEED to read: NOPE. NONE. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. No fanfics about real people. Never gonna change that. (some of my) Favourite moments:

Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir doing THAT routine at the 2018 Olympics.

Rachel​ sheepishly admitting to me that Shoma may have replaced Yuzu as her favourite, and me being SO DAMN PROUD of her for growing and developing her own skating opinions apart from me.

Yuzu’s 2012 ‘Romeo and Juliet’ routine and Worlds. THE RAW FUCKING POWER OF THAT SKATE.

Plushenko, cheeky bastard, changing his 2014 Team Event routine AS IT WAS HAPPENING.

The worlds friendliest rivalry between Yuzu and Nathan.

Any thing the Shibutani’s do, and all they do to break up the stereotype that all of Ice Dancing has to be rOmAnTiC and SeNsUaL to be good.

Watching my early faves become coaches and the D R A M A.

Honorable Mentions:

Coco (Film): I watched this the weekend I came home and I owe this movie a lot. It is so sweet an heartwarming, and it a roundabout way it brought me back to Tumblr (needed somewhere to vent my feelings considering I watched the movie a solid THREE YEARS after it came out, Tumblr seemed like the place to go lol). Watched in again in 2020 and it’s just as amazing.

Jekyll and Hyde (All media): Loved this book from the first time I read it in my first year of uni. But in December 2019, my fandom understanding reached its PEAK. The musical?? The comic?? YOOOOOO.

Dear Evan Hansen (Musical): I have BARELY engaged in fandom discourse, but the MUSIC. She fucking SLAPS.

Sirius the Jaeger (TV Series): This show is such an underrated gem. It literally has so much; "dead” family drama? Eclectic international group of monster hunters? Cowboys and vampires?? Yes, yes, and YES. And the main character has the same Japanese voice actor as Atsushi from BSD!

Studio Ghilbi (Films): My love affair with Ghibli goes back to when I was about 5 and BEGGED my mom to take me to the library so we could rent Kiki’s Delivery Service on DVD. But that love has been FULLY rejuvenated this year when I went to the Ghibli Film Festival in New York City (ironically in the last week in February). If you haven’t seen them, go watch From Up On Poppy Hill, Whisper of the Heart, and The Wind Rises. Spoilers, you’re probably gonna cry.

If you’ve made it this far, THANK YOU FOR READING! 

And thank you to all the amazing people that made my 2020 not so horrible. Good riddance 2020, don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

[polyamorouspunk]

So I know that this isn't like strictly an advice blog or anything, but I was wondering if you could maybe give me some advice for my relationship? I'm polyam and there just aren't many blogs that'll take questions about it, so I'd appreciate a response even if it's just that you can't really answer my question.

Some background: I'm in a triad with two other guys (we're mlmlm and I love that for us) and I just absolutely adore them. They're two of the coolest people I've ever met and I kind of instantly wanted to be with them. I'm arospec, so that like literally never happens to me, and I was really surprised by how much I instantly vibed with them (the story of how we met and got together is fairly interesting, but not relevant to this). I've known I was polyam since I was a teen, but being arospec means that I haven't had many long term romantic relationships in my life, so I'm very excited to explore this new stuff.

My problem is that I'm just really insecure that I'm not good enough for them and that I'm just a third wheel that they're taking pity on. I know that's silly and it's just a combination of low self esteem and me internalizing toxic monogamy culture, but they're both so cool and have so much history that I'm just scared that I'm never gonna be as important to them as they are to me. N and H (that's what I'll call them for this) have been best friends for 12 years and have been dating for the past 3, whereas I only even met them a little under a year ago. And in terms of personality, N is so bold and confident and gregarious, and H is so witty and sarcastic and ambitious, whereas I'm just kinda... there.

I know they are attracted to me and want to be in a relationship with me, and I'm communicating with them about my insecurities, so mainly what I want help with is fighting the part of my brain that tells me that I'm just an unimportant extra to their lives. I want to figure out what of value I bring to the relationship and what makes me unique in my dynamic with each of them. I think that would help a lot, so if you have any exercises, or anything else that you think would help, I would appreciate it a lot!! Thanks so much!!

I would love to hear the story of how you met!

I also get having low self-esteem. I’m glad you’re already talking to your partners about how you feel. That’s the ideal first step.

And this totally is an advice blog! I love trying to help people: that’s why I’m here.

I look at things from a very borderline perspective. What works for me isn’t going to work for everyone else.

I have things that I consider “mine”. Like, my areas of interest, my shows, my books, etc. that I prefer others not engage in. I’m a very territorial person, but that means I’m able to bring things to the table that others I know maybe aren’t able to. However, one of the downsides to that is sometimes people aren’t interested in your interests and don’t really care to hear what you have to say about things, and would rather talk about what they like, making you feel left out. A good friend or partner will always listen and ask questions though.

You might be bringing them new relationship energy! I also know that whenever I gain an additional partner it makes me more aware of my current relationship and I end up using that new relationship energy or even new crush energy into being an even more positive partner and checking up on my main relationship. When I feel giddy from flirting with people I take that giddiness and turn it on my boyfriend and flirt with him and tell him how much I love him and how cute he is, etc. so when I’m feeling good, he feels good.

At some point in your life you’ve made a difference. We’ve all fucked up, and when you’re mentally ill it’s REALLY hard not to focus on those moments instead of all the good we’ve done. Just try to remind yourself if you can how much you’ve helped people, and how much you can help your partners by being there for them in the future.

Age old advice, but try your best to avoid self-deprecating thoughts. My mental health has been trash lately, especially the last few days, and my suicidal ideation and negative self esteem is through the roof, and I’m just constantly trashing myself and thinking about how bad of a person I am- and it’s easy because a few days ago I literally had people telling me how shitty and awful and bad I was and that I was selfish and childish- it’s not just my voice, it’s the voices of people I thought were my friends. I’m depressed, I’m in a rut, I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to be alive, and every day is a fucking struggle. I’m trying my best to change things in my life to make myself even just a bit better- unfollowing certain people, remaking my discord, anything to avoid anything that’s going to make me feel even worse and try something. I know that no time soon am I going to be able to reorder my thoughts into something less self-deprecating/go over the horrible things that were said to me. But that’s an eventual goal. And even through all of that I make sure I don’t take any of it out on my partner. Because none of it is his fault and he’s been nothing but supportive to me.

Every day is a battle. Some days are good some days aren’t. I wish you the best in your mental health journey as someone who is right there fighting every day with you. Make sure you take care of other areas of your life so that those don’t weigh you down. Don’t ignore problems until they become too big to deal with, because that’s going to affect all parts of your life, including your relationship. And you are cool, I promise. Stay weird, stay sexy, and don’t get murdered.

[dolphin-enthusiast]

bună seara, dragă mea 🌹🌜✨ ahh i hope i wrote that correctly,, another romanian friend of mine taught me that haha, he teaches me romanian phrases in exchange for me teaching him bits of italian ☀ ah, so much to address no? well, i'll just start off by saying i wasn't expecting my friend to expose my problems like that,, i'm not mad at all, just surprised. let me first say that i am okay as of writing this. i have eaten and hydrated and have been taking naps all day, i am stable. (1/9)

"my older brother and other siblings have been taking good care of me, and two of my friends came to sneak me out of the house for a bit and bought me food. so i am fairly calm right now (2/9)

now then, about that person, it was just some texts i woke up to that caught me off guard, my friends are apparently planning to go after this person, even though i insisted on not making this a big deal, and frankly i didn't wanna worry you all either, i feel bad when i do. (3/9)

sadly i hear a lot of horrid things directed at me on a daily basis, so this is quite ordinary and there's not much i can do about it, i cope by trying to stay positive for others and be as kind/loving as i can since i usually don't have people to treat me that way, you're quite the exception, what i thought of as a stupid question blossomed into something i could never imagine, and i was shocked to see how everyone, including you, took to me quite quickly (and not in a joking way either) (4?/9)

i'm not used to it at all, so i mean it from the bottom of my heart when i say that everything you guys say and do means the world to me, i get overwhelmed with positive emotion when you all treat me so sweetly, i truly couldn't ask for anything more. that being said, i wasn't planning to open up about my mental health on this account (since i don't wanna talk about these dark subjects when trying to brighten other's days),, (5/9)

but i guess it's warranted now so hopefully you all can understand me better and not worry as much, i suffer from multiple mental illnesses, two different depressive disorders, an anxiety disorder, and body dysmorphia, some from genetics and others from trauma. i try to keep it on the down-low to not bring down anyone's moods, so i be as cheerful as i can. i'm professionally treated for it, so please don't fret. it really went downhill during the start of this pandemic and declined since (6/9)

i was absolutely miserable, and having dealt with many s*icid*l tendencies, self hatred, and lots of destructive habits, i was truly falling apart my sister introduced me to your blog sometime in january, and even though i did not have a tumblr, i still greatly enjoyed checking it everyday with her and requesting things from time to time, it's a nice escape from the world i live in, and after months of checking your blog, i decided to interact a bit more with that silly ask of mine. (7/9)

it really is a miracle that we formed such a bond, it's truly the best thing to have happened this year, i love having such a meaningful connection and getting to experience some positivity everyday i am completely serious when i say that you and the followers give me something to look forward to everyday, and you all have helped me to stay a little longer on this planet. i owe you all so much for that, so i still plan on popping up everyday to cheer you all up,, (8/9)

i could never thank you all enough, you all truly do mean the world to me 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 i can't wait to come back tomorrow with something more lighthearted, so please keep being extraordinary, because i'd hate to lose connection with any of you - from the bottom of my heart and soul, with much love, your local waifu xoxo 💘 ps: i can't wait to hopefully meet someday morgy darling, there's lots i'd love to do, so that's another reason for me to stay alive a little longer 💞 (9/9)"

Dear this is quite alot so i'll just start by saying that im flattered u greeted me in romanian😳✌️ i dont wanna pull a ghiaccio but although dragă does exist in this context it would be more like "bună seara dragA mea" but it really doesnt matter bc my wig is snatched and i was n o t expecting this ddhxhddj

Trivial matters aside, you shouldnt feel pressured into opening up on here even though some things surfaced but you did it nonetheless and im proud of u bc i myself would rather y e e t than talk abt myself and personal issues🤡🤡🤡 but aNywAyS let me start off by saying that again, you shouldnt get used to horrid things being said to u. Its fucking tragic that u get treated like this meanwhile all u do is be kind and care for others, but them treating u like that is entirely THEIR fault and u should never feel guilty for it. And keep telling others if shit happens (including us if u want) since we're all gonna do some good ol' as whooping @ the ppl that talk shit😤👋

I wont reveal much but just so you know i completely understand what you're going through and felt what you described in ur letter on a spiritual level, although i know just saying "i relate" doesnt really help. Its unfortunate and unfair ur goin thru this and yes i agree the pandemic did only worsen things (even for myself) and its really shitty🗿🗿im glad u at least had siblings that took care of u and made sure u felt better in no time doe

As always seeing u say that me and my blog cheered u up and motivated u to go on truly is smth like...w o w i never expected any of this to have such a major impact on anyone when i first made this blog as half of a joke lmao hdhxxhdj but im glad it helped u and other ppl so that means i'll just have to keep on running it😳😳😳 you really dont have to thank us for anything since we enjoy brightening up ur day and i have to ageee it IS a miracle how all of this came to be but thats exactly why its goddamn wig snatching ahsydjdkf

Also bro to say u have another reason to stay alive just to meet me....😞😞 Take care of urself bro

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 118

Chapter Summary - Danielle gets work done before meeting someone new.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

All image rights belong to their owners

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog​ @jessibelle-nerdy-mum​ @nonsensicalobsessions​ @damalseer​ @hiddlesbitch1​ @winterisakiller @fairlightswiftly​ @salempoe​ @wolfsmom1​

If you wish to be tagged, please let me know.

‘Did you steal our dogs?’

‘Maybe.’

‘I am all alone.’ Tom put on a fake upset voice.

‘You poor thing, go play with your friends.’

‘I am not twelve.’

‘No, but you’re acting like you are.’

‘Where have you gone?’

‘The office.’

‘You brought the dogs to the office? What about if Bobby needs the bathroom?’

‘Then I will bring him out. They are chilling here. It didn’t seem fair to just leave them at home, we won’t be too long.’

‘What time are you coming back?’

‘About four-ish leaving here, plus traffic.’

‘Okay.’

‘What are you planning?’

‘A surprise.’

‘That sounds dangerous.’ Danielle smiled.

‘It might very well be.’

‘I will see you soon, Mr Hiddleston.’

‘I love when you call me that.’

‘Bye then.’ Danielle placed the receiver down and looked at Mac, who was looking at her curiously. ‘Wonder what he is up to.’ He gave a groan, waking Bobby, who looked around worriedly. ‘Don’t worry little man, just Tom being silly.’ On hearing Tom’s name, Bobby looked around again before getting comfortable against Mac once more, since there was no sign of his other human. ‘Not much longer now.’ Amelia knocked then entered. ‘Perfect timing, could you send the last of the Branagh work for me please.’

‘Already done.’ Amelia did not even look at her, instead, she was focusing on the dogs.

‘You’re not scared of dogs, are you?’

‘Em, maybe the big guy, but….’ She looked at Bobby.

‘Yes, our little boy is terribly cute. Aren’t you?’ Bobby’s head popped up as Danielle spoke to him. ‘Where’s my little boy?’ He watched as Danielle walked across the room towards the other woman. He got up and ran over excitedly as Amelia’s stoic demeanour broke immediately as Bobby tried to get her attention. She scooped up the puppy who was licking her face. As she cooed over him, Danielle went over and gave a happy Mac a belly rub.

‘Does he get jealous?’

‘I don’t give him a chance to.’ Danielle smiled at Mac. ‘You’re as important to me as my other boy, aren’t you?’ Mac nudged her hand. ‘I know people are going to give him all the attention, so I counter it, by looking after Mac.’

‘He’s sort of intimidating looking.’

‘It has its advantages, I have not had anyone in my face with him with me.’

‘Is it weird?’

‘The situation with being Tom’s partner and having all these people follow me around even though I am literally so boring and not famous? Yes, it is very weird, and Tom is very much the same outside of his work, honestly, I cannot understand what people are so obsessed with.’

‘The normality is probably half of it.’ Amelia commented.

‘Perhaps, but it is annoying. I am just glad we are not like Ben and Sophie with kids.’

‘No, that would be difficult.’ Amelia continued to play with Bobby. ‘I don’t want to get back to work. How do you get anything done?’

‘I have no choice, I need to make money to spoil my doggies.’ Danielle smiled as she gave Mac another scratch before going to her desk again. ‘If I want to get this done and home for whatever plan Tom has, I need to stop playing around and sort myself.’

‘Easier said than done.’

‘Indeed.’ Danielle smiled. ‘Now, I better get this done.’ She pulled herself away from Mac. ‘Bobby,’ The puppy looked at her. ‘Bed.’ The dog waddled over to the other dog and curled up. ‘Good boy.’

‘How does he know that so well?’

‘He is learning quick, especially with his big brother giving him instruction.’ Danielle smiled as Mac moved to help Bobby get comfortable. ‘It’s so cute how he looks after him. I almost feel guilty for not getting him a buddy sooner.’ She looked fondly at the dogs. ‘Right, I am going and getting my work done.’

‘Sorry.’

‘Not your fault.’ Danielle dismissed. ‘This is mostly me not wanting to do this paperwork.’

‘I will get what you need.’

‘Thank you.’

*

Come four o’clock, though slightly delayed by puppy potty training and a lack of wanting to do the work, Danielle had the majority of her work done. When she heard a knock on her office door, she wondered who it could be when Mac rose and wagged his tail, she had her answer. She opened it and smiled. ‘Hello.’

‘How did you know it was me?’ Tom asked, walking in.

‘I had my security tell me.’ she pointed to Mac, who was sitting awaiting attention, to the side of him, Bobby was half sitting, half standing, his tail wagging furiously as he tried to do as he was learning was acceptable, but his excitement not able to be contained in his small body.

Tom leant down and gave her a small kiss. ‘You don’t mind me coming?’

‘Not at all, but I will be another small while, getting work done has been hard today, I don’t want to work, but I have to.’

‘I hate those days.’ Tom sat in the chair across the desk from her and paid attention to the dogs. ‘Is it all paperwork?’

‘Yes, which annoys me because I want to do it at home, but I can’t because I need to send it off, and it needs to be done securely here. So, I left it all for today and the bunny at the controls is not too pleased.’

Tom chuckled as he scratched both dogs ears. ‘And you chose to bring the boys with you?’

‘We are literally at the verge of fully training Bobby, we need to get him sorted and us being gone for the day meant he could have reverted, I am not setting him back like that, he will be so good when he is one and he is doing so well.’

‘He is.’ Tom agreed with a smile, looking at the content looking puppy. ‘Do you think you will take much longer?’

‘Why, have we plans?’

‘Maybe.’

‘Ooh, I am curious.’

‘Odd, I thought you were Elle.’

Danielle stared at him for a moment before laughing. ‘That is so bad.’

‘It is, I’m sorry, sort of.’

‘I won’t be too long more.’ She promised as she forced herself to get back to work.

As soon as the last file was confirmed sent, Danielle turned off her computer, tidied her belongings and looked at Tom, who gave a grin and put on his jacket. When the dogs realised the humans were readying to leave, they got to their feet. ‘What about the bed?’ Tom pointed to the blankets Danielle had brought to her office.

‘Leave them, I am going to bring them with me when I can, I don’t want to have to drag something with me every time I come here.’ She smiled. Tom smiled and clipped the leads onto the dogs, handing Bobby’s to Danielle. ‘Ready?’

‘Yes, Ma’am.’ He smiled.

‘I am not going to lie, I am worried as to what you are doing.’

‘We are having dinner.’ Tom informed her.

‘Okay, that doesn’t sound too bad.’ She eyed him as he looked at her from the side of his eye. ‘What?’ He did not answer. ‘Who are we meeting?’ He could not meet her gaze. ‘Tom?’

‘Chris.’

‘Hemsworth?’

‘Obviously.’

‘Tom, Marvel seems to be contracted to have a dozen Chris’s on payroll at any one time, you have to be sure.’ Tom chuckled. ‘So we are going out for this?’

‘No, I did not want to make you uncomfortable, I thought we would have something at the house.’

‘Okay.’ Her tone lacked enthusiasm.

Tom halted and looked at her. ‘Wait, are you okay with this?’

‘I...Yeah.’

‘Elle, please be honest with me.’

‘I just….I knew this was coming, so this is nothing to do with Chris, I am nervously excited to meet the guy that is like a brother to you, honestly, I am, but the idea of going home and dealing with cooking a meal and….’

‘Would you rather we didn’t?’

‘I am so conflicted, because the other option is to go out and that means dressing up and bleuch!’

Tom chuckled at her reaction. ‘Which would you rather?’ She said nothing for a moment. ‘You actually want to go out?’

‘I was going to ask if we could go out tonight anyway, I feel like getting dinner somewhere.’

‘Why didn’t you say something?’

‘I wanted to see what your plan was first.’

‘This brings it all together, but this….this is meeting a friend of mine, in public?’

‘Tom, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we’ve been found out, months ago in fact.’

‘And you are okay with this?’

‘Well, I am not too fond of noisy bastards in my business, but the idea of dishes tonight.’ She smiled. ‘Is he dieting for a role?’

‘Why?’

‘I really want somewhere with proper good food, not fancy shite.’

‘I will ask,’ Tom smiled. ‘You really want this?’

‘Yes.’ He pulled her to him and kissed her, only for a moment, but the emotions he wished to convey were expressed in that moment.

*

Danielle laughed as Tom went red while Chris told yet another terribly embarrassing story from their escapades from their times on the different Thor and Avenger films.

‘Please stop.’ Tom begged.

‘You are regretting this so much right now.’ Chris chuckled.

‘I am, actually.’ Tom conceded.

‘I am sorry, it’s partly my fault,’ Danielle laughed. ‘Excuse me a moment please.’ She smiled as she rose from the table and went to the bathroom.

Chris took a drink of his water and looked at Tom. ‘She’s something else, Mate.’ Tom beamed. ‘You really love her?’

‘I do.’

‘She seems to be incredibly grounded and intelligent and honestly, so….you.’ Chris grinned. ‘So, how serious are we talking?’

‘Well, she had a dog already, but we got one, together and we are looking at getting out of the city.’

‘Wait, house hunting, together?’ Tom nodded. ‘When will I have my suit ready for?’ He grinned. Tom frowned. ‘What? Pets, houses, that is a serious commitment, the wedding can’t be too far off.’

‘It’s only been a year.’

‘Elsa and I were together ten months when we were married.’ He reminded his friend. Tom was forced to concede that that was true. ‘Look, Mate, when you know, you know. It just feels right.’

‘Elle is on the up with work, she is after getting her own share in a company, years before she had planned to achieve it.’

‘Good for her, sounds like she will do great if that is her initiative. But marriage wouldn’t change that. Babies change it, I am not even going to lie a little to you there, Mate. But marriage, that’s not the same, I mean, there is a lot of work in it, but it allows you both a lot of freedom still with work. Does she have plans for that stuff?’

‘Marriage was never something she felt she needed to have.’

‘Against it?’

‘No, just not overly bothered.’

‘Bad parental situation?’

‘No, her parents were married for thirty-seven years, her mum’s death was the only reason it ended.’

‘Odd, I was always led to believe girls wanted marriage, a sign of commitment.’

‘As if a house and dog aren’t?’

‘That’s true actually.’ Chris conceded. ‘So do you think she is it?’

‘I hope so.’ Tom admitted.

‘I do too, Mate. She is a right one. I like her, she gives off a good vibe, like she is cool with most everything this career entails, and I don’t think I am the only one to say that.’

‘No, most everyone does now. Ben is mad about her too, he was before I ever got my act together and did something about my feelings for her.’

‘Ben’s another one that is good at judging character. Honestly, Tom, she’s great.’ Chris noted Danielle coming back into the room. ‘She’s so different to Taylor too. No need to imitate your fashion.’

‘She did not…’

‘Tom, don’t try and defend it man, she did.’

‘Who did what now?’ Danielle asked, wondering what was going on.

‘I was saying how you don’t need to copy a guys style.’ Chris admitted, not sure how Danielle would react to a mention of an ex.

‘Oh, yes. I have a sense of identity and self, so I don’t need to copy this month’s squeeze.’ She winked as she took another drink of her water. Chris chuckled. ‘You okay?’ She asked, looking at Tom who seemed slightly uncomfortable.

When he said nothing in response, Chris laughed slightly. ‘I think he is worried about leaving us alone for a minute.’

Danielle studied his face. ‘I think you’re right.’ She nodded. ‘We’ll be fine, right?’

‘Well, I am going to try and convince you to run away with me, if that’s what he’s worried about.’ Chris joked, causing Danielle to laugh. ‘Go on, we won’t be offended, we need you to be gone to talk more about you anyway.’

‘That is not the least bit worrying.’ Tom commented as he rose to his feet and made his way to the bathroom.

‘So, do I pass the test?’ Danielle asked curiously when Tom was out of earshot.

‘Which test is this then?’ Chris grinned.

‘The “good enough for your friend” test.’

‘Flying colours.’

‘Good to know.’ Danielle felt herself beam at his declaration.

Can I ask you something, and I do not mean this offensively?’

‘Dare I say yes?’

‘How much of a bitch are you, when the situation requires it?’ Chris asked, sensing that Danielle would not be overly offended by such a question.

‘I once told Swift that should she feel need to jump off the face of the planet, we would have….what were the exact words, oh yes, something along the lines of “we would still have our Recommended Daily Allowance of moaning cunt who can’t get over her ex covered, because we still had Adele”.’ Chris stared at her in shock. ‘Does that answer your question for you, Mr Hemsworth?’

Chris laughed as he looked at her intently. ‘You need to meet my wife, she would love you.’

‘I have seen interviews with her from movies before, she seems like a lovely woman. And from what Tom says, a lovely mum too.’

Chris nodded. ‘You don’t understand, our kids, they are her life, she loves them so much, and I see the days when she calls me on set, she is so tired, and they are pulling out of her, and I know we have a nanny and everything….’

‘But some days Mommy is the only one they want.’

‘Exactly, and she looks like all she wants is to hide in the laundry room, but if she goes there…’

‘She is faced with the laundry of three active kids and two adults.’

Chris paused for a moment and studied her for a moment. ‘How do you….?’

‘My job is to assess an environment and see what are the contents of it. A laundry room, by virtue of being called that, will contain such things, and I have never heard of a family where the wash basket is empty when there are kids, it is literally the most common complaint I overhear, that as soon as it is emptied, it starts filling again.’

‘Yes, that is true.’ Chris chuckled. ‘Was it like that in your house?’

‘We were lucky, I was self-sufficient at a young age, my mam would cook, but I would help with the house and my dad’s practice, so I was well able to throw on a wash.’

‘You have no siblings?’

‘Nope, just me, I have a fair amount of cousins though, so I was never too lonely.’

‘And you are friends with Tom’s sister?’

‘Emma is my best friend, I really get on with Sarah too, but Emma, she is probably why I ended up not running back to Ireland, her and Diana, their mam, they looked after me when I got here, so I never got too homesick.’

‘You have his mother onside too, that’s good. My mother took a while to warm to Elsa, though I don’t take it personally, she was the same with Miley and Samantha, she is just overprotective of the family.’

‘Well, as long as everyone is happy now,’ Danielle smiled. ‘Look who’s back, and looking scared?’

‘Nothing of the sort, I am just happy you two are getting along.’ Tom smiled, looking at Chris as he put his arm around Danielle, his friend giving him a nod as he did.

‘Well, with you as the common factor, we were both bound to be wonderful and intelligent people who would recognise such.’ Danielle smiled.

‘I am not gonna lie, I like you.’ Chris declared.

‘I rock this “get your friends to like me” thing.’ She leant into Tom to speak but made sure that Chris heard her.

‘Yes, you do.’ Tom beamed.

As they left and said their goodbyes, Chris pulled Tom in for a hug. ‘Tom, I say this with only your wellbeing in mind, never let her go.’

‘I don’t plan to.’

‘I mean it, I am going to have my suit ready.’

‘Jesus, don’t start.’

Having not heard the first part, and not understanding the reference in the second, Danielle stood smiling, but unaware as to the situation.

‘Elle, a pleasure and I cannot wait to see you again.’ Chris leant down and kissed her cheek.

‘Likewise.’ she smiled, noting his use of Tom’s nickname for her. ‘Have a good tour and safe journey.’ She waved as he got into a taxi and it drove off. When she looked to Tom again, she noted an odd look on his face. ‘Hey, everything okay?’

‘Better than okay.’ He smiled as they walked back to their car. clearly thinking of something else. ‘Thank you for tonight.’

‘Thank you.’ Danielle looked at him. ‘We brought your car, and you had something to drink.’

‘Yes.’ He grinned cheekily.

‘Oh for goodness sake, you….’

‘I win.’ He grinned, handing her his keys.

[spirit-of-vengeance]

7th ROTG anniversary. Time to get emotional.

I never written this down, but now I feel the need due to the intense nostalgia and the notice of how quickly time is fleeing. I have a tale to tell, I need to share my story about how this film changed my life. Warning: it's long.

Brief into: I believed in the Santa, Easter Bunny (I really wanted in the Toothfairy too and unfortunately never heard about Jack or Sandy) even when I was 10. (Which was considered pretty old to believe) I even got into an argument with my teacher in the 3rd grade because she said 'stop being childish, they aren't real' because I was excitedly whispering with my classmate about catching the Santa this year. A boy, who ironically looked exactly like Jack Frost began endlessly teasing me and calling me stupid for still thinking he's real. On the way back home with mom I confronted her about this, not giving up until she told me whenever he was right or not. Backed into a corner, she was forced to give up. I cried every day for weeks. The magic was ripped away from me.

Year 2012, December. I'm 11 and a victim of hardcore bullying since my whole life. Students, teachers and sometimes parents. To cheer me up, mom took me to the shopping center to watch a movie. We couldn't really decide & she saw a giant poster of North smiling at people. Her eyes lit up and excitedly said 'Let's watch that! ' I followed the direction of her finger and my face scrunched in malice "I am not watching a movie with the Santa. Its stupid. I'm a big girl, I want to watch a bloody action movie! " but she was unbending. She could bribe me into it with a large bowl of popcorn; I was still grumbling when the lights went out.

The change: first snowflakes, first notes of the piano worked like magic. I immediately shut up and wondered what actually happens here. Why is it so soothing? At the first few shots of the North Pole when North is working on the ice train, I jumped in my seat and I shit you not, I thought the Santa is actually getting murdered. My eyebrow rose higher when I realized that guy with the chainsaw and swords is the Santa. Unfortunately, I can't remember more first reactions; stress, depression, traumas really ruined my long term memory. It seems silly now, but I kept the last piece of popcorn what I was munching on during it, I still have it in a little jewel box; one of my sacred memories. The car ride back to home was quiet, I was staring out of the window my mind stirring with creativity.

Aftermath: 2013-2018; while my classmates were busy getting drunk, being a petty bitch, giving oral in the toilet, (yes. I am talking about elementary school.), getting laid, I was lost in a world of wonder. I learnt 60% of my English knowledge in 3 months with reading fanfiction. I browsed deviantart for hours and laughed my ass off at the hilarious, extremely well done fanarts.

I grew up on mostly Blackice videos I wasn't 100% aware what I'm actually seeing tho, I was exposed to gay ships from a young age and plot twist, nothing serious happened😀. My mental health wasn't shit because I saw the Bogeyman and the Winter spirit kiss.

I began talking to the Moon. I cried my pain to him. Sitting on my windowstill, debating whenever I should jump or not. My extraordinarily strong bond with my mom and this film were my only lifeline. I was making it through, in my own world. My imagination created wonderful sights, scenarios; at nights I was certain I can spot Sandy on his cloud, at Christmas North trying to push himself out of the chimney cussing, at Easter that enormous bunny running around, at winters mostly yelling at Jack 'get out of my country' because I'm a summer person, going to school on a chilly yet sunny autumn day and see Pitch standing on the edge of the misty forest.

I began to change, respond to the pressure from my bullies. My personality began to morph. See the wonder in everything; like North. There's hope and spite, don't dare to give up; like Bunny. Awaken and enjoy creativity; like Sandy. Shit on the rules and have a damn good time no matter what; like Jack. Cherish memories and friends; like Tooth. Be ruthless and stand up from the most brutal blows; like Pitch. And never forget, the Moon will always be there even when he's an antisocial dick and says nothing.

My aim, my dream was to write the sequel. When I was done I wanted to send it to William Joyce. I wrote 200+ pages, but unfortunately in Hungarian. I still don't know why I stopped, why I abandoned that plan.

I was looking for ROTG posters because I wanted to email them to my friend to show what I've been obsessed with. I was just lazily staring at a Pitch poster, realizing his V neck actually never closes - then my eyes crossed the date: November 21. I let out an ungodly shriek of disbelief and mirth. Mom rushed into the living room with terror and met with the sight of me screaming in ecstasy "RISE OF THE GUARDIANS CAME OUT ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!! "

Around 2016 I became really interested in this roleplay stuff and oh god I was terrible. Cindy Flame then was an always angry Mary sue but after years of practice, expanding she is a completely built, extremely complex character, flawed, strong, tragic and ruthless; divine yet oh so human. So I was making friends online, most of them failed, I think one of them committed suicide but that belongs to an another story.

I have been lurking Tumblr for 3 years? More? Because I had no idea how this site worked and I was shy because I thought my writing is not good enough I realize now I felt right. I admired blogs from afar, read their writing and falling deeper and deeper into this fandom.

Nearing present day: I actually came to Tumblr to pursue a friend of mine. I was borderline desperate because I've thought they are one of the last one in the fandom and it scared me. The fun thing is, I actually never interacted with them after making this blog. So I break this two year old spell and hi @kingofnxghtmares it's me, Jasmine😊 You don't have to answer/interact/or anything, I wanted to get everything off my chest and finally tagging you just felt right.

So now I'm on Tumblr. And I love every second it. I've found amazing friends, insanely dynamic muses, crack threads, angst, the chance to expand my muse even more and where I belong. So there I am, wondering where 7 years went. I've grown up (somewhat), and I'm glad I was protected from the 'disaster teenage years ', drinking, heartbreak, drugs, etc instead I grew up in a magical world interviewed with reality so closely; it became an escape place when reality became too heavy.

About ROTG & finale: masterpiece. The animation is insanely lifelike yet fantasy. Every tiny, microscopic detail is perfect, the characters, the storyline, the atmosphere original and capturing. The music is gut wrenching. Everything is absolutely, 200% on point. I don't think there ever will be an animated movie which can be better than Rise of the Guardians animation and/or storywise. No 'love is the answer ' movies can ever come close this iconic masterpiece no matter how they rip it off looking at Frozen 2😒

I watched it today (I have it in Spanish as well and I only can encourage everyone to watch it, the Spanish voice acting is, 100% in my opinion Pitch's bested Jude Law, damn that rich hiss of malice was incredible ) on my 18th birthday while cuddling with mom, laughing and heavy with nostalgia. I think I will remain in this fandom for a very long time, I don't think I would ever be able to let it go due to my deep emotional ties. I would like to thank everyone who were present in making this film, the artists who still keep this fandom alive, all of my friends, roleplay partners; thank you for brightening my childhood, giving me purpose and a place to belong.

To my all of my friends:

@paintbrushtheelf @muerte-rojo @nightmarinqs @mr-mansnoozie @gatekeeperoftheunderworld @50shadesofpitchblack @flossinspector @magicmiyeh

@black-equals-mysoul @nxghtlight @lindzem

I love all of you,

Jasmine

[rustandruin]

🌸🌼 I think this fandom could do with some positivity so if you want to, why dont you pick 3 (or more) people that you dont normally talk to or havent talked to in a while and tell me one thing you like about them? Or if you feel uneasy about talking to new people just pick people you know better :) Then send this message to at least 5 other blogs that you like to keep this game up! 🌼🌸

Hey Lucy! 

Sorry it’s taken me forever to get to this lovely ask. It’s just my ask answering anxiety was at an all-time high. First up, I just want to say that I’ve had a lovely fandom experience and that everyone I talk to (including you!) or have talked to has been really fun and a complete blast, but I want to showcase the folk down below because they’ve all enriched my life a little extra. 

Under a cut to spare you all my emotional ramblings. Apologies to anyone on mobile. 

@omarandjohnny Jonathan continues to be a complete and utter inspiration. He’s so insanely positive and supportive while continuing to love Halloween and monsters at a full 100%. It reminds me that growing up doesn’t mean leaving behind these things that I’ve loved all my life.  

@howellobrien Life can be shitty and your brain can be hard on you, but Holly is just out here spreading joy and positivity as much as she can, which is really how it should work. 

@searhythm I wouldn’t have really even begun to start writing, let alone contributing to fandom if it wasn’t for Mow’s spectacular energy. She’s given me the gift of confidence, laughter, dog photos, and perhaps, most importantly, encouraging me to be easier on myself, which, I really am not. I’m going to make you write that fic you’ve planned if it’s the last thing I do, because we all deserve that kind of goodness in our lives. (She’s also the reason why I spell rhythm correctly now.)

@blondhairedking Gemma is an utter ball of sunshine who doesn’t realise how talented she is, and I’m perfectly happy to volunteer as tribute to make that happen whenever she needs because the world needs more people like that. 

@getyourfaceoutofmyface Shauna has such a remarkably positive energy. I’m so excited to get to know her and read more of her writing. If you need someone to pick you up when your brain is at it’s most finicky, may I suggest her? Because my goodness is she one hell of a cheerleader. 

@robronsnuggles My amazing big bang artist. I’m eternally grateful they chose me but that they’ve also been so kind and patient while bringing my vision to life. I can safely say they’ve made me cry with their talent. I would also carry them to the very depths of Mount Doom if they ever asked. 

@notforonesecond Rach won’t see this but you guys need to know how hard she worked on her big bang, and how utterly patient and supportive she’s been with mine. More than that, she’s had to deal with so many stupid jokes, my insane ramblings, and a whole host of memes that one person shouldn’t be subjected to. I’m so glad we got to work together, but also to get to know her. 

@thesnowyswan Rae is a fount of wisdom, advice, and more importantly, very cool stories about dragons that I didn’t know about previously. Her writing is a constant inspiration and all sort of #goals, but I’m a bigger fan of Rae the person and everything I learn simply by speaking with her. I’ve become a better more ambitious creator, and just a more thoughtful person, and that is in some part, down to her. 

@persiflager I have a million and one theories about things at any given time, and Pers here is such an absolute blast to discuss them with. I love her deep cover knowledge of Emmerdale’s history. I learn so much and it just adds to the joy of speculating, and my enjoyment of the show. More than that, I’m just very, very grateful for all the advice she’s given me. I’ve become a better writer and beta just by association. 12/10. Highly recommend friendship. 

@illgetmerope Anna, where do I even begin? Like everyone else on this list, your talent is only superceded by the amazing person you are. You’re a constant inspiration with not only your attitude towards your art (because that is what it is), but just your general interests and the life you lead and the way you make everyone around you feel happy and special. If your lucky students feel even a ¼ of that, they’re the luckiest kids on the planet. If the universe ever does see fit to let us meet in person, just know I won’t be able to handle it. 

@whatdiknow  Oh, Marj. What don’t I adore about you? You’re wise, kind, understanding, endlessly patient, but most importantly, incredibly funny, with a wonderful capacity to indulge in silliness (especially with yours truly). Your dry sense of humour cracks me up regularly, as do your very astute observations. Do I deserve your friendship? Nah. Do I cherish it? Yes.  

@letthebluerain  Emma. There is so much I admire about you that I would need a whole other post, but I’m going to focus on all the things that give me the most joy. You’re so smart and incredibly funny, with solid, solid advice. But you’re also super silly, very encouraging, and secretly creative. I love all our conversations and the ideas they inspire, mostly though, I’m just proud I get to call you a friend. 

[james-bionic-barnes]

today is my 1st tumblr anniversary!

I was going through a few of my old posts and I thought I remembered starting my blog in October, and when I looked at the actual date of my first post on here, it was October 29, 2016!! I can’t believe it’s already been one year since I gathered the guts & started this blog & started to post my writing (the very first was my Park Place series)!

in only a year, I’ve (somehow) gained 3700 followers, strengthened my love for both writing and reading fanfiction, fallen deeper in love with my favorite characters, and most importantly, formed so many friendships I wouldn’t otherwise have had I not started this blog. 

so, I want to say thank you to everyone. to all of my followers and friends, who have been here all this time supporting me and encouraging me to write and broaden my creative horizons. some of you have been here from the very beginning, and to me it’s crazy that some of you have stuck around my weird self for so long, and have continued reading my work all this time. I’m insanely grateful and shocked that I get as much support as I do, but I’m no less grateful for each and every one of you. if you’re not mentioned here, know that I love you & appreciate you just as much - I wish I COULD tag each and every one of you (3703, to be exact), but that be a bit hard. also, I’m still a bit foggy from pain, but I want to write this all anyway, so just let me know if I missed anyone!

to my silly, loving, & inspiring friends:

@hymnofthevalkyrie Megan, none of this would have happened without you. you were the very first person I ever talked to about starting this blog, and you were so nice as to help out a budding fanfic writer (& someone who was inspired by you no less, but you already knew that) and made me feel welcome in a community I had previously thought I wouldn’t really fit into. but you’ve been helping me out since the very beginning, and gave me the incentive to just go ahead and start a fanfic blog even though I was scared. I love you so much, and you’re such an incredible friend to me. never doubt how thankful I am for you, and how much I love you.

@xenaathena my dear, you’ve also been someone who’s been there from me since the beginning. you’ve been nothing but sweet to me and you’re one of my most valued friends. from talking about cute guys (and how pretty their eyes are), to helping each other out with fics, to talking about shared life experiences, to sharing very bad jokes, we’ve done a lot in just one year. I love you.

@tol-sam Star, my love, from our goofy Skype calls eating ramen together to tossing fic ideas and headcanons back and forth, you became one of my closest friends so quickly. you’ve been there for me through a lot and you’ll forever be my Star, my amazing friend. I love you <3

@caplansteverogers Jess, my sweetheart, my angst queen, what would I do without you? you’re essentially the angst to my fluff - we balance each other out, haha. you basically made me like angst, so you should be proud of yourself. from your constant affirmations of love to you checking up on me, I never doubt your love for me - and I hope you never doubt mine. 

@buckys-fossil Sam, I love you so much. to us tossing ideas back and forth and giggling about headcanons and at whatever life throws either of our ways, you make it a point to always make me laugh and feel loved, and that’s just one of the many reasons why you’re so amazing. 

@thejamesoldier Nikki, my Power Mutual™, where would I be without you? I will forever tell you how you are basically one of my favorite writers EVER and how you are one of the writers I was inspired by to even start trying to write stuff of my own. you know how much I love you and admire you, and you liking the same hot Marvel guys that I do is just one of the added bonuses. I love you so much.

@oneshot-shit Kinza, from silly conversations and games of CaH, I’m glad we started talking. besides, you’ve somehow stuck with my weird southern-US living self and you’ve always been there for me and you’re incredibly sweet. why would I not love you? 

@bucky-plums-barnes Gen, my gorgeous babe, I love you so much. I’ve always admired you and thought you were just the sweetest (and both of those feelings have just gotten stronger since knowing you), because you really are one of the kindest people I know.

@andhiseyesweregreen Stephanie, you’ve been there since basically day one. I remember you were the one of the first people to ask to be on my tag list, and you’ve stayed with me all this time. you’re such a sweet and loving person, and you always make me feel good about my writing even on my bad days. I love you.

@poealsobucky Michelle, you’ve always been so loving and sweet toward me, and always want to make sure that I’m doing okay. even when we don’t interact (which we should do more of), I still feel like you’re helping me think more positively with just who you are. you’re such a sweetheart, and I love you.

@imhereforbvcky ‘Mee, you’re honestly so kind and supportive and I don’t know how you are basically 100% nice (unless when the emotions in your fics hurt me, that is :P). I still remember freaking out when you read through one of my series, and honestly, I’m so glad you consider me a friend. you’re the best, and I love you.

to @rotisserierogers @sad-af1121, @teamspider-man & @theassetseyeliner - Kumi, Sadaf, Nessa, & Erin, we may have only recently started talking (or, recently started talking again), but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you already (because even if I wasn’t talking to you, it’s certain I wanted to). just as much as the rest of the people on this list, never doubt that I admire you all and love you no matter how much or little we may talk.

to the people who helped inspire me:

to @fvckingavengers @angryschnauzer @callingmrsbarnes @totheendofthelinepal @buckyywiththegoodhair @pleasecallmecaptain @thatawkwardtinyperson @whotheeffisbucky @sebseyesandbuckysthighs @after-avenging-hours @sanjariti @whothehellisbella @asirenscalling @volklana @callamint @hellomissmabel @wakandasoldier @iwillbeinmynest @plumfondler @lenavonschweetz whether you know I exist or not, or whether I followed you at the beginning or later down the road, you all inspired me and continue to do so today. it was reading your fics and enjoying them so much that inspired me to make a blog of my own, or to continue writing. even if we don’t speak, or even if we do, know that I admire each and every one of you, and that you are all extremely talented and important. so thank you a million times over.

to my followers:

whether you’ve been with me since the very beginning (and I do know who has been, since I like to keep track as much as I can with the people who have stuck around this long), or whether you just followed me recently, I couldn’t do this without you. writing is difficult, and writing fanfic is maybe even more so. but knowing that when I do post something it will be read and enjoyed by people just like me, just like I did before I started this blog, just makes it that much sweeter.

I couldn’t do this without you guys. and know that I’m incredibly thankful for each and every one of you - I wouldn’t be here without you, and I’m so happy I have you guys with me on this crazy journey. I love you all.

thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  love, kathrynn <3

[myjooland]

My Favourite K-Dramas

This being my very first blog makes me nervous but excited at the same time. I decided to write down the list of Korean dramas I loved watching. The below are few of my favourite ones which I wouldn't mind watching again. 

1. BOYS OVER FLOWERS:

Well for me the craze for Korean dramas started after watching Boys over flowers, thanks to a sweet friend of mine for introducing it to me. BOF was my very first K-Drama and boy it was full-speed from then on. These sweet, quirky teenage love stories are so additive, no matter how old you are you would enjoy watching such dramas. This Cinderella kindof story will definitely make you want to have more. But apart from all that what got me hooked was perhaps Lee Min Ho and his convincing acting as Gyu Jun Pyo. If it wasn't for his spot on acting as the main lead I wouldn't have liked it so much. The female character (Geum jan Di) played by Gu Hye Sun as the cute and bubbly girl was perfect but what was more perfect was their chemistry together. Apart from the main leads I cant say much about the acting skills of the other F4 members, but I did enjoy Geum jan Di's little brother and parents. If you are a beginner to K-Drama and want a suggestion I would definitely recommend Boys Over Flowers.

2. COFFEE PRINCE

Aaah Coffee Prince, I'm soo in love with this drama. Honestly I never expected it to be this good. The main leads have so much chemistry. I started developing this huge crush on Gong Yoo mostly because of his manly image in this drama. At first I was a little hesitant to watch the drama maybe because I wasn't over Boys over Flowers (LOL). The story is little unique, girl dressed up as a boy so that she could have a job, but the girls strange but cute character makes the boss fall in love with her without him knowing that she is actually a girl, which make him question his preference. Let me tell you it might sound a little odd but you've got to watch it. The part where Gong Yoo finds out that she is indeed a girl...aah...heartbreaking, I cried with him. The acting superb by both the main leads. But in this drama I wasn't only drawn to the main leads but the supporting characters as well. Each of their stories are unique and interesting. Yoon Eun Hye was excellent playing the role of a boy but what I liked was how her acting as a boy was cute rather than too boyish.

3. SECRET GARDEN

How can you not love this drama, I mean seriously. I think this is the only drama I watched thrice. Hyun Bin I love you Kim Joo-won and Ha Ji Won as Gil Ra-im. Even though it has the same element of usual Kdramas with rich, boy poor girl, cruel rich parents and so on but apart from the cliché I guarantee you will not be disappointed. And a bit of fantasy for those you like that stuff. Apart from the main characters I wasnt drawn to any of the other supporting characters but I really enjoyed Choi Woo-young / Oska and Secretary Kim, they were hilarious. Check it out!

4. FLOWER BOY RAMYUN SHOP

Ok, this one I wasn't that keen on watching but boy oh boy I am so glad I did. This drama is so cute and funny. The story goes something like this, the girl played by Lee Chung Ah  (Yang Eun-bi) aims to be a school teacher and finally lands a job in a school owned by Cha Chi-soo's father. Cha Chi-soo played by Jung Il Woo is an arrogant heir, goes to the same school as a student. At first Eun-bi thinks of him as a well-off, working in a big company, charming guy and also ends up calling him "oppa"..he he..that scene was funny, however she realises her mistake. They end up fighting and slowly Chi-soo starts falling in love with her, well you know the routine, ok, so it might seem like the same old story but let me assure you it is good. Its funny, goofy and cute. Both the leads pull off a good chemistry. Watch it if you are not looking for a serious drama and just want to have a good time.

6. THE GREATEST LOVE

This drama is special to me because I wasn't drawn towards it in the beginning but without me knowing it grew on me. The reason Cha Seung-won as Dokko Jin. How can you not love that character. Hilarious just hilarious. Cha Seung-won pulled it off beautifully. Dokko Jin is so funny, annoying, cute all at the same time. And who can you best pair with such a character and still stand out, who else Gong Hyo-jin (Gu Ae-jung) ofcourse. There are two chemistries I loved in this drama one is ofcourse the leads Cha Seung-won and Gong Hyo-jin's chemistry, second one is the little kid Gu Hyung-kyu (Ae-jung's nephew) and Dokko Jin's so cute cute!!Loved it, enjoyed it. Check it out.

7. REPLY 1997

Love love just love this drama. If you haven't watched it yet run and begin NOW! Amazing! So different from the usual Kdramas. Aaah...what can I say about Reply 1997, I am still not over it honestly. Even though it begins as a high school drama don't run away if you think you are too old for that stuff. Sung Shi-won and Yoon Yoon-jae played by Jung Eun-ji (A-Pink) and Seo In-guk are soo perfect, loved them! The story is about these two childhood friends who are very close, the girl, who is silly, sometimes over-the-top, is a HUGE H.O.T fan (a former boyband) and the boy, smart, studious, popular guy in school , begins a huge crush on his childhood friend. The storyline is from the 90's, so the writers add all those technological elements from that time. What's interesting is the detail, very refreshing and very enjoyable. Apart from the main characters all the other supporting characters are so fun to watch (the parents are just crazy..lol) Watch it, highly recommend it :) Do check out the ost sung by the main leads Jung Eun-ji (A-Pink) and Seo In-guk. Both have an amazing voice. If you enjoy watching Reply 1997 do watch Reply 1994. Both are from the same writers; however the plot is different and really good. 

  8. THE INNOCENT MAN

[askguyslikeus]

((answering questions under the cut!))

i do actually plan on a little story! nothing too huge ahah but i do want this to be mostly run as an askblog! i might leave yall hints in the tags of important storyish posts but for the most part just sending asks should keep the ball rolling

eastern time zone! i have a weird work schedule and usually get out by 10 am - 1 pm or have weekdays off so my posts are kind off all over the place aha!

legit whatever strikes my fancy TBH haha sometimes i get asks that i love but i cant think of anything for them and i save them for some other time if something stikes my inspo. but usually if i can think of something that has more than one word answer and makes me smile i pick that one! sometimes i even come back to an ask i didnt wanna do cause i RANDOMLY THOUGHT OF A GOOD SCRIPT or somehting hahaha

ahhh i love exploring characters different from myself!! i mean i love writing these awkward boys who use silly lingo cause i too am super awkward and use silly lingo BUT i dont play overwatch or listen to the smiths or wanna major in music theory but i feel like michael would like all these things sooo,,, its been fun exploring new things because i want to know more about them for this blog specifically. i dont want to settle on something being their fav just cause i know about it i guess and im having fun with it

it also is nice to explore thingS ive dealt with myself through these boys in a healthy way using what ive learnt about myself and others. i deal with dependency issues and i always read michael as having them as well? but i didnt deal with them in a healthy manner for a while and ive learnt how to be better about it. and just ,,, being able to help these fictional boys in a way i struggled with is really refreshing and helps me a lot

aaa sorry i mostly just, enjoy exploring issues that i can grow in myself while also trying to get a grasp on these boys if that makes any sense?

at the moment no, i already reached out to a few people to ask them to do asks, and i do have a kinda story i wanna get to so,,, at the moment im all set on guest artists! i might do another round a little later tho!

i have not been intentionally but i have a lot of friends on the spectrum and am all for headcanons for michael and jeremy as well! i base a lot of my scripts and way of speaking and how they deal with situation on how ive seen friends of mine and myself react so!! i myself am not on the spectrum but i can see both jeremy and michael being autistic !! rock on anon

usually around an hour or two since i do multiple panels ahaha but if its one like the michael in the bathroom one or the childhood one i defs spent three or four hours on those bad boys,,,, i chose a very easy to do art style for this blog so i could work on my expressions and scripts and poses and get them done quick without worrying too much about how finished things look and hoo wee go past me cause ,,, i would not have as many posts as i do now slash i PROBs would have gave up 3 asks in hoooo boyyy

ye lol

like,,,, only a month ago woops i saw a cute shippy headcanon and i was like oh wait fuck these boys are cute. then i listened to the musical and was very blindsided by the entire plot omg but!! im glad im here!!

mostly because i wanted u to be able to tell who was talking! soemtimes my handwriting is small or my pic is big so jeremy ans michael will talk like this back to back

i ate a big corndog the other day HE SURE DID why do u sound proud im the one who ate the big corndog IM JUST A SUPPORTIVE BRO

and when they talk like that i needed a way to show who was speaking? aaaa i made theirs contrast the most since they are in the most asks together! as for everyone else i kinda just do whatever im feeling hahaha

i was gunna do something like a winky face or be like maybeee~ but imma just say ye man. i love boyf riends and im workin on a little plot to get these boyos together and happy!

ALSO I DIDNT GET AN ASK ABOUT IT BUt peopl have dmed me their headcanons or post ideas and im going to say it now in bold and caps

I DONT DO ANGST FOR THE SAKE OF ANGST if i end up posting sad things its because its what the boys are feelin in a story line but for the most part this is a happy happy blog. i have a lot of shit going on in my own life and i know some people use their ask blogs or art to draw out their venting and that is very good and healthy usually and i support you! but that isnt my way of coping and this blog will not have angst. dont prompt me for angst homies and stop trying to throw triggers out there to make me make a sad post. there are a lot of good blogs than can fill ur bmc angst needs!! 

AND LASTLY CAUSE YE IMMA POST A BUNCH CAUSE THEY MADE ME SMILE :

I am SO OVERHWLEMED AND EMOTIONAL ABOUT ALL THE SUPPORT IVE GOTTEN ON THIS BLOG,,,, i went into this fandom in a really bad place and really lonely and really hating my art and idk it wasnt good but!!! making this blog is helping me grow a lot on my own as an artist but also everyone else enjoying it as much as i am ??? i die every timeee aaaaaa yall what th heckkkkk,,,,, 

THANK U SO MUCH EVERYONE I APPRECIATE U ALL A LOT??? im glad ur enjoying my silly askblog idk im emotional im sorry aaa

hope i keep u guys entertained and u enjoy where i take these two!

there were some asks that were sent to me that i plan to answer soon in the form of asks so i didnt answer them but thank u for sending me questions guys!!