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#god I'm ugly AND mentally ill
sphictails · 1 day
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The Narcissistic Blonde Touhou Duo...
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sovaharbor · 15 days
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sorry it just pisses me off endlessly how carelessly my mom will spend money on herself but god forbid i ask for. Sunglasses. a new pair of sunglasses. that aren't mom-core from the fucking 2000s that have been sitting in our kitchen junk drawer for years and years. i get a "well if you don't care how they look [in reference to me saying i didn't really care about TRYING THEM ON FIRST because the shape of them isn't a concern of mine] i would prefer you just use them from the drawer"
like i'm going to 1) explode, and 2) cry .
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apollo-zero-one · 2 months
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Man I can't believe I had the chance to go to a performing arts school up through middle school and I fuckin quit after 6 months just because I got bullied. BRO YOUR HOMEWORK WAS POETRY!! YOU HAD TO PRACTICE DANCING TO COTTON EYE JOE AS YOUR BIG UNIT TEST. GYM CLASS HAD A CIRCUS UNIT!! YOU HAD A WHOLE DAILY CLASS ON IMPROV!!! YOU FOOL!! YOU ABSOLUTE IMBICILE!! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A YOUTUBER!!! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THOSE TWEENAGERS GETTING LOADED BY MAKING SHITTY YOUTUBE SHORTS IN 2008-14!! But noooOoooOOOoo little miss Noellie (who WANTED TO GO!! who worked SO HARD and sent in an application essay and did an INTERVIEW to get in!!) couldn't handle disruptive classmates or little scuffles and petty grudges and general Attitude of the other students and cried to mommy to put her back in public school. I am EATING MY HAIR over what Could Have Been. I COULD BE SOMEONE'S ANNOYING YOUTUBER!! I could be a DISGRACED DISNEY CHANNEL STAR!! I could be an America's Got Talent winner! A mild to moderately successful comedian! I could be making short films!! But no no no precious thin skinned baby me heard a few new cus words and watched a teacher get heckled and begged to give up The Dream in favor of?? Quiet math tests?? I am such a fucking quitter I quit everything the second it gets too hard I always take the out as soon as it's offered what's my fucking damage.....
#I had SO MUCH POTENTIAL and I SQUANDERED IT!! weak ass third grade PUSSY! Your life could have been SO SICK!!#or you could at least be addicted to cocain or something interesting like that!! Boring ass goody two shoes always just staying home doing#NOTHING bitch make a REAL FRIEND go to a God Damn PARTY live a little instead of just hiding in the closet eating saltine crackers for years#waiting for it to be quiet outside before you ever even toed the line#mentally ill self-isolating motherfucker#you could have shrugged it off you could have GROWN A PAIR and FOUGHT BACK but you just ran and cried for mommy#victim complex little bitch baby always whining and exaggerating and making shit up fucking LIAR I am you and I KNOW what you did and I know#you knew it wasn't the truth and you regretted it the moment it came out of uour mouth but once you'd said it you just swallowed it back and#doubled down incriminating or discrediting others with your lies. For why? Because you didn't like them? You could have ruined someone's#life you wouldn't have hesitated mayhe you did and don't even remember because you cant keep your mouth shut with your pants ablaze#manipulative little shit and to WHAT END? Pity? Sympathy? Attention? Entertainment?? What was even going on in your stupid ugly head?#This is a callout post for my third grade self that possessed demon ass evil nine year old. That kid drowned anthills in olive oil and#poisoned a wild animal once. That kid cut plants just to see if they oozed. That kid modified her whole ass personality on a dime for a boy#she had a crush on. INSTANTLY dropped a LIFELONG CULTURAL ALLEGIANCE (thats what football teams were like back then in our town) because he#said he had the opposite allegiance??? What the fuck? girl had NO integrity none zip zilch.#No empthy either that kid looked at everyone else on earth like they were friggin space aliens and she was the only one with Real feelings.#bitch literally thought like 'I have Feelings they just have Reactions' bitch what the fuckkkkk#that nine year old was fucked the hell up!!!#and for literally NO REASON!! No cause!! Just born fucking evil and weird. jesus fuck.#Evil ass bitch caused her autistic brother months of nightmares and then laughed about it and wrote poetry about how evil he was because he?#was a kid??? Normal sibling rivalry taken way way way too far defamatory ass statements#and this girl had NO CONSEQUENCES because she could lie and manipulate her way out of ANYTHING she had the baby eyes and the helpless charm#and played dumb soooo well . read people like some calculative evil AI scanning their faces for microexpressions and overanalyzing each word#choice like holy shit. its not That Deep. pretentious shit trying to play 5D chess on a checkers board.#Manipulating shit just to see what happens?? zero awareness?? no asking just skipping straight to testing for yourself??#'What happens if I step on this' it fucking breaks 'what does that taste like?' it's not fucking yours to mess with 'if I hit this person#how will they respond?' they'll be upset use your goddamn judgement you are NINE not TWO do you even care a little about any other person??#Are you just living in some other reality???#callout post for the fucking demon child inside of me#im so goddamn problematic I'm so so so deeply mentally disturbed and broken for no reason
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heffrondriving · 2 years
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applying for a voiceover job as if i don't have the worst godawfullest sounding voice in the world, wish me luckkk
#i sound like a total fucking idiot gushing about luxury cars alone in my room as per the sample script but then again i just impulsively#bought too many new watercolour sets and these paids gotta get billed somehow so;;; please for the love of god accept my shitty voice i beg#four years of intensive high school speech learning and journalism/radio broadcasting training + taking comm arts in college and for what-#??? this awkward yammering mess of an incoherent human being who can't string one proper sentence together??? smh jätteonyttig 😤#it's gone to the point of insanity where i'm entirely doubting my english skills because i've listened to the same audio for hours on end#like tangena pare ano bang pinagsasabi mo diyan konti na lang malulunok mo na dila mo. nasaniban ng masamang espiritu vibes amp#like there's a completely founded reason why no one i've ever talked to online has ever heard me speak and. yep. if u wanna know what a#damned soul being eternally flayed in hell sounds like hmu for a sample#i also had to do a video interview which was!!! fucking horrifying!!!!! i had to use zoom and idek how!! but i think it didn't go so badly?#i managed to bullshit some stuff about my credentials when i wasn't busy stumbling over my own tongue and making ugly faces so :^/#i also might be going back to animation school in the next semester which. my unartistic ass is not all too excited at the prospect of 🤡#idk man why do i Attempt things i'm not good at. i'm just a struggling aspriring himbo with all vibes and no brain cells idk what i'm doing#can't i just lie down in the middle of a forest and sink into the soft moss until the earth entirely absorbs me??? dream goals methinks#real life has been mentally checking me out so much to the point of accidental hiatus again i hate it!!!!!#do pretty girl don't speak#will delete#allen attempts to adult for once.exe#(except not really because i keep falling into illness and bollocked if i actually make it through this year alive 🧟‍♂️)
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yoharrysaidshe · 17 days
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#i know two schizophrenic people and one of them being literally the worst person i've ever met and in my life is kinda wild to think about#the other person i love her i really do and i wish i had the energy to help her rn but i don't#i'm at a breaking point#like yall don't and will never understand mental illness until you see how severely it affects the person and everyone aroun them#like this shit is UGLY relationship destroying life ruining pathogen type beat i hate it here so bad#like the quality of life is abysmal#i wonder how it is to not have to deal with it must be heaven on earth#sorry just wanted to vent and this is kind of barely coherent#thoughts#also the resources to help ppl like this are practically nonexistent and this country needs to burn#at every turn it's been apathetic beaucracy and incompetency#if you don't have monu they said fuck you and die#we gotta burn this place#and honestly it just feels like a bunch of judgement for not draling with the circumstances better sympathetic condolences#and glad-that's-not-me's#really sucks to be us energy fr rn ://#all or our youth is passing us by and its just... beyond our control#mum's wailing in her room in utter despair bc mentally ill sister got evicted bc she's been swiping ppl's packages from their front doors#for months#really wanna d1e#i love the former person this i mainly about (sister) but most days if not every day i hate her is the god's honest truth#but also i get why she's here and how she's got there and relate to a lot of her hatred of everyone and everything including herself but ya#there's too much there#and i'm not strong enough for forgiveness and neither is she#so she's on the streets god knows where with a fucking dog and she's gonna appear tomorrow morning again and ofc we'll let her in#sigh#my sobriety was kinda nice for the last 7 months it lasted
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justaholeinmysoul · 11 months
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I'm horny and in quarantine with my family and closed in the house incapable to talk to humans 😭😭😭
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astraltrickster · 1 year
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What frustrates me about disability advocacy is that...of all the people I've seen talk about it, 99% of them - even ones who are disabled themselves - have eventually proven that their support has limits. Really stupid and arbitrary ones, at that.
You support disabled people...but if you see an adult with a DIAPER BULGE in their pants in public it's ON SIGHT, get your kink out of my face! Actually, even if it's not a kink, that's still gross and, like, it's not like the diaper exists to CONTAIN waste, you're a biohazard! Just stay home!
You support disabled people...but, ugh, you're so sick of masks, they feel so icky, the CDC isn't advising them anymore so really how bad can it be, if you don't want to be permanently disabled even worse than you already are then why don't you just stay home forever?
You support disabled people...but if you see anyone using a non-conventional straw that someone's billed as "anti-aging" on TikTok you proudly declare that you'll smack them, because what do you mean it might be a motor control or sensory thing?
You support disabled people...but no one is REALLY so disabled that they can't manage their lights conventionally, clean their homes by themselves, or hold a pen for extended periods of time or at all; that's just something people make up as an excuse for Bad Tech and exploitative luxury services.
You support disabled people...but, god, control your by-definition-uncontrollable tics, they're SOOOO annoying and rude!
You support disabled people...but when someone stops masking or runs out of spoons and starts speaking in a choppy, hard-to-understand way, it's a joke.
You support disabled people...but AAC is, like, sooooo annoying and hard to understand, learn to talk like a normal person instead of pointing like a baby or whatever, geez.
You support disabled people...but you hate image descriptions and video transcriptions because they're, like, sooooo ugly and transcriptions SPOIL things. (Not to be confused with "frequently not having the spoons to translate images and videos into text, which is a skill; one which everyone should try to develop, but a skill nonetheless" - I get that, it happens to me, but if you take issue with OTHER people adding them to your posts for Aesthetic Reasons, you're...kind of a dick! I'm not sorry for saying it!)
You support disabled people...but you think teehee funny joke annotations are a much more valuable use of caption tracks than, you know, actual captions are.
You support disabled people...but you still concern-troll people with armchair diagnoses of heavily stigmatized disorders for harmless weirdness, or try to paint them as icons of some kind of horrible social ill.
You support disabled people...but you're still convinced that every asshole is mentally ill, probably A Narcissist, and what do you mean that's a loaded thing to call someone when a heavily stigmatized disorder is rudely misnamed as such too, isn't it easier to, like, change the name of the disorder throughout the whole system than it is to just stop using that word as your go-to Bad Person Pathologizing Word, which you definitely need? (Or worse, you see no problem with this clash because you're convinced it IS Bad Person Disorder...)
You support disabled people...but you see someone mumbling to themself on the bus and you get as far away from them as possible because it's "scary".
You support disabled people...but you constantly try to pull "gotcha"s about people telling you not to touch people's assistive devices.
You support disabled people...but someone being okay with their delusional disorder and talking about that is BAD and PROMOTING SELF-HARM.
You support disabled people...but your body positivity still focuses exclusively on "people can be healthy and fat at the same time!" as if people who ARE fat because of health issues and/or have health issues BECAUSE of their weight don't exist or deserve support.
You support disabled people...but you declare that advocates who want us all to have more access to things that improve your quality of life are the REAL ableists for acknowledging that those things that you currently can't do tend to improve quality of life.
You support disabled people...but your advocacy for yourself involves distancing yourself from people with more support needs than you.
You support disabled people...but you treat addiction of any kind, or use of anything with known addictive tendencies, as a moral failing.
You support disabled people...until the accommodations they need clash with your own, then it's not just a benign incompatibility that sucks just as much for them as it does for you; no, you are an innocent victim and they are a horrible ableist.
You support disabled people...until it's too inconvenient. Too weird. Too scary. Once that line is crossed, it's not a disability issue anymore, they're, conveniently, just a Bad Person.
It's fucking exhausting and I'm sick to death of it.
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rzyraffek · 1 year
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Slashers with y/n that just gets along with everything
Like slasher could litteraly kill somone near y/n and she would be like alr alr whats really important is that you are happy🤠😎. Im sorry that first 2character had super long headcanons while last ones have way less :( I had no ideas Request open!
Billy Lenz
He always expects some sort of negative response when he calls people and when he heard new voice on the Phone he got even more exited cuz new person new reaction! He totally didnt expect her to just go "yeah yeah sure buddy, anyways... how is your day man? Cuz im so so tired...*starts normal converstation*
He probably tries to stay in character but he is so caught of Guard he doesnt know how to react really (hehe the table has turn)
Now he kinda hopes that she will pick up cuz shes very intresting😈 billy likey
"Ew its this creep again! He is asking for you y/n? Of please dont tell me you befriended him??" "So what? He said hes favourite fruit is strawberry he cant be that bad!" *billy saying slurs on the phone*
You need to constantly tell him that, no Billy no harrasing women isnt sexy, you arent quirky, you are mentally ill
"Y/n i killed that bitch that was gossiping about you 🧍 " "👍good for you billy im glad you found healthy way to cope with that negative emotion😇" "on god"
His whole moral compass is created around the simple question 'does it hurt y/n?' .1:no it doesnt so feel free to do it .2 do not do it, she will ban Billy from sweets (bad ending)
The man from hush
This guy. This dude. This Little gremlin. He is upset that he gets no reaction! Like please oh please act all angy when he 'acidently' shot tire in her car! But oh no ofc no, she had to be like "oh its okay honey i have backup in garage🥰" hes like HHUH SINCE WHEN WE HAVE GARAGE
Like tbh thats how i imagine how they met: he saw her, he wanted to hunt her, she was so chill that she didnt even leave her household while the power was off and he went inside and just saw her having lil nap on couch. 🧍🤨erm exuse me gurl im trying to roleplay epic hunter here tf
He probably kidnaped her cuz she was too weird to just kill her but he didnt want to risk her calling police. He probably tied her up and yeeted her on backseats. And then she begun judging music on the radio"yo big guy can i get some good music taste?" "What? Whats wrong with Taylor Swift?"
He will overshare everything to kinda check where is her limit if it comes to being chill "yeah so i killed this old lady.." "im sure you had good reason🥰" "🤨... anyways... yeah so i was drinking some redbull when some guy said i look ugly so i shoot his head off and-" "HEY HEY hold up geez you CANT drink Energy drinks?? Bestie you know it is unhealthy?? Also you like hunt for sport it will ruin your condition!? How you gonna shoot people with shakey hands?? You crazy or something?" "Damn😔"
Micheal myers
I tried to put him here but i realised he will be as chill as her.
Like he can give her gifts covered in blood and she' just going to clean it and wear it like nothing happened or completley ignore it
He cares about this stuff as much as y/n so like not at all. I mean tbh theres is a bit of difrence: shes at least positive about it! Like "yeah micheal go for it, love🥰😇 i know its hard to cope with trauma take it all out alr?" Shes trying to be a good supporting gf not her fault she never had serial killer bf!
Brahms Heelshire
He lives for attention! What do you mean the war crime he commited this lunch break is okay!?!? Baby pleasee
But this negativity disapears the moment he realised he can get a lot of positive attention when he will do some nice stuff! "Oh honey I didnt kill any rats today" "oh that's amazing brahms I'm sure you and the rats inside walls will get along well soon🥰" (rats in walls bully brahms)
Please complement him or he will get a tantrum and destroy something
Brahms and rats have very hard past i might do seperate hc about that
Ghostface
"Look babe! My newest victim *shows photo*" "ugh baby...😰 you NEED to buy new camera or watch some youtube tutorials about how to take good photos" "aw man whats wrong with my pictures 😔"
Otherwise y/n supports his hobbies! People need to grow😇 (and he needs to grow up)
If theres 2ghostfaces(like in most movies) they will bet money on how long you gonna keep this 'do whatever as long as youre happy' act. Well they didnt know that this wasnt an act but her personality
Also they will probably try to use this chillnes aginst her like "oooh y/n something terrible happened! I crushed my car oh what will i do!" "Alr bestie i will drive you over there😇" "😈omg you are so nice i totally didnt expect that(heheh i dont need to pay for gas today (hes very evil))
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strangestcase · 1 year
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For the people that are going to do Dracula Daily this year:
One of the subplots that Dracula covers, and arguably the most important subplot, is one centered around a psychiatric patient confined to an asylum- it touches upon the way he sees the world, his relationship with his doctor, and how he relates to and perceives the villain VS the heroes, since for most of the plot he believes the villain to be good and strives to serve him.
Both the patient and the doctor characters (who are part of the main cast and very important to moving the plot foward in their own ways!) are portrayed as sympathetic victims to the main villain and mostly on the side of good, but in different ways, and, of course, the way they are written is informed by the beliefs of the time.
I won't spoil anything too important about it, just warn you that this subplot depicts Victorian Era ableism, which is... pretty extreme, and forms of medical abuse (specifically, psychiatric abuse) that still exist today!
This plotline involves:
-depictions of hallucinations, delusions, and irrational thinking
-medical malpractice: delusions being encouraged, patients being dehumanized, prolonged use of dangerous restraints
-unsanitary behavior (eating live animals)
-ableist attitudes from most of the hero characters
(other Dracula fans pls tell me if I've missed something)
What do I make of this? you ask. Well...
Do not excuse medical abuse, even if it's fictional. The doctor character is, for all his medical malpractice, depicted as a complex person that has some likeable traits and he undergoes a pretty sad arc relating to loss and trauma, like most of the heroes of this novel. This doesn't make him any less of an abuser, nor makes his patient any less of a victim!
Refrain from using ableist language or rethoric. The patient character, being written for a very old horror book, is often depicted as "unsettling" and his strange behavior is sometimes played for horror. This 1) doesn't make his situation any less deplorable 2) doesn't make him any less sympethetic and most importantly 3) doesnt give you a free pass to treat him as a scary horror monster. He's a victim of both the real monster of this story and the system he lives in.
Listen to psychotic fans. Research the history of Victorian asylums. Understand the historical context. Look at this subplot from a holistic perspective instead of treating it as a horror story within a horror story (although, it is a horror story, but not for the reasons some think it is!). Just don't be a dick to disabled people.
If any part of this subplot triggers or squicks you, you are not obligated to read it, just be aware that it exists and that it is important to avoid perpetuating ableist stereotypes, be they present in the original text or not. (Hell, you are not obligated to read any part of the book if you don't want to do so. Dracula Daily is supposed to be fun. Analyzing literature is supposed to be fun. Enjoying literature is supposed to be fun!)
For the love of God, don't get angry if some fans dislike the doctor character for what he's done and take the patients' side. This was an issue during the last Dracula Daily run. He's literally the victim in this relationship. I'm not saying you can't like or dislike either character but I have to reiterate: do not erase either character's contribution to the plot, do not demonize the patient character for being mentally ill in an "ugly" way and beliveing the villain is good, and don't woobiefy the doctor character because he said a funny thing once. Both are complex adult human beings so don't expect them to be caricatures.
Do not be afraid to call out ableist behavior from other fans, but also be careful to not overstep or talk over disabled fans, especially psychotic fans.
During the Dracula Daily run, some blogs will warn about the entries in which this subplot takes place, and what triggers apply for each one of them. If you need those warnings, don't be afraid to reach out for them!
Happy reading!
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askganon · 2 months
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Great King, I need encouragement. I have not had an easy life. Any form of abuse besides sexual my parents committed against me. Any time anything is left to chance the worst possible outcome is chosen by the gods, even should I do everything right. I have more mental illnesses, mental and physical disabilities than I can count. I cant do many jobs and can hardly hold most of the ones I CAN do down, on account of the disabilities. My family comes from the worst poverty possible and its grip on me is so strong I know I will never be comfortably free from it. Everyone I've ever known has abandoned me and those that came back keep me at a healthy distance as fair weather friends. Simply put, I'm a survivor, and I intend to survive as long as there is sand in my hourglass. When I am knocked down, nails bloodied and gone, nose broken, I spit my teeth and blood out of my mouth, wipe the dirt out of my eyes and get back up only to get punched back down to the ground just to get back up again. I take pride in this fact, should the whole world and even the gods/goddesses and even lady luck herself be my enemy I will. Not. Succumb. But I am tired... I tired of being strong, I tire of pain, of being offered relief or a mercy only to have it snatched away from me at the cruelest moment against all odds, of having every bit of happiness locked behind one paywall I can never hope to meet, of having everyone like me but never cherish me... I tire not of life but never having lived. I tire of only ever surviving. I dont know what to do, where I can find relief, when or how I get to rest even if just for a moment. I know I must continue on and I know that I will but I have no desire or motivation to do so. Any words of advice or encouragement from you would be a gift, I have admired you since I was young for you have lived a similar life.
There is little I can add as endearment, for all that I would say you have already stated in your resolve.
But you have come to Demon King Ganondorf seeking wisdom. So, it is Demon King Ganondorf's wisdom you shall have.
First, I will make a wound and force it to bleed. Then, I will put salt in that wound, and make you feel the sting of truth. It is only with calm and mature reflection can one see the purpose in the words beyond appeared insult.
First, the wound.
Life is not happiness.
Life is struggle, trial, failure and pain. It can be torment and relief, beautiful and ugly, but it is never happy. Any who speak otherwise are either fools or devils.
It has been said that life is the pursuit of happiness. This is a dream for the mad.
In truth, a "good" life, or one lived well, is one not driven by happiness, but by contentment.
To achieve this, a choice must be made. It is only one choice, but it is the same choice one must make eternally. That is to choose between compromise and suffrage.
In short, will you compromise to be content, or will you suffer for it?
To place this into an example, I could have compromised as King, living content with "It could be worse." Or I could have suffered for contentment with "It could be better."
Which do you think I chose?
Now for the salt.
I have listened to the retelling of your life, and have words regarding it.
I hold no sympathy for abusers of any kind. They cannot match the skills and abilities of their peers, so choose instead to face opponents they know they can conquer. There is no honor nor challenge in an assured victory, and I expect all of them to die knowing they were failures in life and will be forgotten in death.
But as to your abandonments, I hold a different opinion. While the abandonment of one might whisper you the victim, the abandonment of all screams the opposite.
Reflect on these relationships and seek out the common root between them. Do this, but do not rest on the easy answer and use your disabilities as a crutch.
It is said that hurt people hurt people. Perhaps the abuse you sustained in your youth evolved into traits within of which you are unaware.
Seek this out within yourself. If it is discovered, then you have a choice to make.
Will you compromise with this, and remain content in your solitude? Or will you suffer to change this aspect, granting you the chance at a healthy relationship and the possibility of happy moments in a content life?
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skazoo · 3 months
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slow and blue and endless.
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↳ kim taehyung x f!reader
someone stared at you through the window. you had always felt safe in your own home, shutting out the scary, real world. but a window is just glass, and glass… oh it breaks so, so easily.
length. 1.7k
genre. angst, yandere
warnings/tags. language, obsessive behavior, implied stalking, yandere themes, mind break, emotional manipulation, love bombing(?), mention of mental illnesses, physical violence, kinda gruesome allusion to murder, dark themes overall, minors advised to dni.
networks. none for this.
notes. [THIS IS A REPOST BC TUMBLR TAGS WON'T WORK AND I ALMOST CRIED<;3]
GAH these photos are so 80s serial killer making a creepy videotape that's gonna get edited in a true crime documentary coded...... i know you're seeing my vision, i KNOW it.... anywayyyyyy this is kinda not proofread, and i wrote it while i was supposed to be studying for my exams a while back!! because when am i inspired if not when i shouldn't be?? i hope you like it and i swear something is almost ready for me to publish please wait a little longer (for my engenes and atiny besties)
⚠️ it goes without saying that i in no way condone any obsessive/stalking/creepy/violent behavior and despite this being "x reader" i'm not in any way romanticizing anything i'm writing. also this, as you all know, is fiction and names are merely a narrating mean. ⚠️
i'm desperate for feedback and i love comments with your opinion!
(cross-posted on ao3 only)
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in a way you’ve always loved him. he knows. you don’t even have to say it out loud for him to be happy. 
but sometimes it feels like you take him for granted. sometimes you make him really, really angry and that, he can’t let pass. and it's not for his sake but for yours. always everything for you. he has to make you understand that there are things you can’t do if you want to stay safe from the outside world. safe from him, sometimes.
running away is one of those ugly, wretched things you know well he hates, and he slams you against the wall and drags you back through the front door into the house by your hair, he bashes your head on the kitchen counter, near the fire of the stove he’s been preparing lunch with to make you understand a concept you're apparently too dumb to grasp.
“what the fuck did i tell you about running, uh?” seething with undiluted rage .
“i just wanted to go outside, tae. i swear!”
“i said what the fuck did i tell you about running!? do you understand how much it would hurt me to see you go?!” his voice booms inside the walls of your head, an endless echo that makes bitter tears gather at the back of your eyes and spill over.
your face is burning. tongues of fire lick at your cheeks, a scorching caress that reminds you of taehyung's. his palm always leaves a brand behind, reminding him and yourself that he’s there. 
your hands scramble for his in a miserable attempt to lessen his hold. “i’m sorry, tae! so sorry, please! please!”
his closed fist in your hair pushes your head closer to the heat. “i’ll fucking kill you if i have to, you know that right–” it’s not a question, merely a promise, but you nod anyway, frantically, desperately– “they’ll never stop finding your body, baby. do you understand?” he screams and shakes you with his hands tight in your hair when you only cry in response.
“i said,” leaning in, mouth brushing over your ear. chills go down your back as his voice turns sickeningly mellow as if he’s whispering sweet nothings instead of threats, “do you understand?”
“yes! yes! god, yes i understand! tae, i’m so sorry! it’s all my fault! it’s all my fault!”
your mindless babbles seem to humor him and he moves your head at a safer distance. “and why is that?”
“ ‘twas my fault! i put myself in danger if i run. tae, please! i’m so sorry!” 
and you cry and cry and cry until you have nothing to give. until there’s only emptiness in your head that’s resting on his shoulder. until his shushes really feel reassuring. until he sits you down at the table to eat the lunch he prepared, the one that was so close to killing you. you nibble on it, too weak to really even taste the flavors.
he breaks the empty silence between you with a question. you startle at the sound of his voice and force your heavy eyes to focus on him.
“aren't you curious? about why i chose you?”
“no.”
he scrunches his eyebrows and regards you with a slightly displeased look that has you shrinking back on your chair. 
“but i want to tell you…” he whines.
you don’t say anything about his antics. despite him behaving like a child you’re terrified of what his reaction would be if you actually treated him like one, so you press your lips together and wait. 
“i like people that like me.” and it’s so simple how he says it. obvious, even.
“but why do you think i like you?” quietly, meekly.
he seems to like the question, his boxy smile one full of teeth that in other circumstances you would have found endearing. now it only makes him look like a predator, an animal, drool dribbling down his fangs, jaw ready to snap close around your neck if —and ultimately, when— you say or do the wrong thing. 
“oh, i was so happy, Y/N,” he coos, your name curling in his mouth with ease, as if you’re always been around each other, as if it belongs there, “that when i chose you, you came with me.”
your mouth gapes open at the absurdity of it all. you wonder if he really thinks that you wanted all of this, that you wanted to be taken from your home. you’d ask your old psychology professor if you’d be correct to label him as a narcissist of sorts. a man with too much power, and free time, and loneliness to exhaust all on himself that he had to go around looking for a scapegoat for his secret misery.  
“i didn’t– i didn’t come to you, taehyung. i didn’t have a choice.”
“so you were almost forced to come?”
“no,” it comes out more as a question than an answer and you lower your head in search of a way to rationalize the conversation at hand, “i was completely forced–”
“that’s what you tell yourself,” he retorts before you can even finish your sentence.
“it’s what i know is true,” you spit somewhat offended by his insinuation.  
his smile is a sick thing when you raise your head from the food on your plate —cold and uninviting. the smell alone makes you want to throw up. 
“are you sure?”
your anger leaves space for an unnerving sense of confusion. “what does that– what?”
your frown deepens as you watch him play around with his lunch. you follow his hands pushing back his glasses on his nose. the sick look of complacency that dances on his face seems to speak words that make the hairs at the back of your neck raise in dreadful anticipation. i know something about you that you don’t, his eyes say, and that alone is enough to make you want to scream.
he knows nothing!, you’d be shouting to the usually calm neighborhood, i haven’t told him anything about myself. he can’t know anything! he knows nothing! he knows nothing! you’d holler to the kids walking home from school hand in hand with their mothers who’d be looking at you with contempt, unaware of who lives among them. a wolf in sheep's clothing that could easily make you look like a psychopath. 
you’d do it, you swear to yourself that you’d do it all if it weren’t for the fact that you’ve got the inkling fear that you’ve truly gone mad. the doubt that crawls on your back and makes its way in your ears, slithering then, with much glee into your delusional brain.
how long have you been in this house? his house or the one you bought together once you finished college? did you meet him on a slow rainy day outside a coffee shop or did you catch him staring at you from the window before he broke in and took you from your bed, leaving behind torn sheets and a broken frame with a picture of your friends? does your mind deceive you? are you sane? is he?
it feels like you've had this exact same conversation with him an infinite number of times, always stuck in a loop of unease and sadness that you really can’t explain. loving looks sent your way melt into scary grimaces sometimes and all you can feel is guilt because that’s tae. your tae. the man you chose, the man that chose you.
you realize your vacant eyes are crying when you feel a thumb swipe your cheek with a gentleness that makes your stomach churn in disgust and again a voice tells you that there’s something wrong with you.
“baby, are you alright?”
the way you look at him does nothing to the sick warmth brewing in his stomach. your shiny little doe eyes peeking up at him from under wet lashes, asking for forgiveness that taehyung would never deny you. nose red from the frustration of being lost in your own mind and mouth parted as if to ask him to show you the way, the truth that you seem to have lost.
he stands up and rounds the table to you for you to bury your head in his chest. sobs shake your tired form.
“shh, it’s okay, baby. i swear everything it’s okay. it happens to forget.”
“i’m sorry, tae,” you plead through broken breaths. “i’m so sorry, please.”
he shushes you. lips plant themselves in the crown of your head, a hand rubs at your back soothingly.  
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later, in the late evening, you lie in your bed. a bed. the sheets smell of him and the air you breathe does not feel like the one you're used to, but you’re calm. you think you are. maybe.
soft snores sound from behind you and you attempt to turn your head to make sure it’s him. 
“tae?” you let out a whisper. not one that expects itself to be heard.
“yeah?” voice hoarse from sleep.
“nothing.”
he buries his nose in the hair at the nape of your neck, inhaling the shampoo he bought for you. “what?”
“just wanted to make sure you were still here.”
“i’m always here, baby.”
you hum.
minutes pass slowly, like molasses, as if the hand of the seconds inside the alarm on your nightstand is fighting an invisible force, a wall of rubber that threatens to bounce time back. you think he’s fallen back asleep. breath slowing, chest heaving, lulling you to slumber.
you close your eyes. “tae?”
he doesn’t answer. a car alarm sounds from outside the closed curtains, its prolonged blaring bringing a certain agitation in your otherwise silent night. a breath of summer wind leaves bumps on your skin in its wake. you sigh and his arms tighten around your torso. an unconscious gesture, soft, loving.
“i dream of you–” you let your words sink into the air, into the boiling water you carry around in your lungs that doesn’t let you breathe properly, and you shiver again but not from the chill bite of the wind “–and it’s slow, and blue, and endless.”
behind you, taehyung’s mouth stretches into a smile.
in a way, you’ve always loved him. he’s certain of it now as he was before. and even if you didn’t, he will always make sure to make it a reality, one way or the other. wether you want it or not.
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taglist: @taevestr @fa1ryjoons @vcutvante
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animentality · 5 months
Text
you guys will see a post talking about how incels are refusing to form basic human connections because of toxic masculinity, lone wolf syndrome, and seeing women as sex objects whose only purpose is to be emotionally and sexually available for men...
and then start talking about how people with social anxiety are people too :((( what's wrong with being socially awkward?
like bro.
If you have social anxiety, and you have a hard time communicating, and you're neurodivergent, and you're an introvert... yeah ok, but why do you immediately side with guys whose entire mantra is that women aren't people and they shouldn't be lonely ever, because women should be provided to them like service dogs by the government?
I know you're socially awkward and all, but come the fuck on. unless you've been living locked in a small basement bunker your entire life, being fed chips by a robot through a hole in the ceiling, you should be able to fucking figure out.
that there's a fucking difference between being awkward and accidentally hurting people's feelings because you have perpetual foot in mouth syndrome/have a hard time connecting to people.
and sitting in your room saying slurs on overwatch and telling female gamers that they're fat ugly bitches who should send nudes.
why would you even WANT to associate yourself immediately with that demographic? why do you read something about the worst people alive, who are deliberately awful to other people, and then say oh look it's me, I'm also "not good with people."
are you THAT socially awkward?
God I hate when I'm so socially awkward that I'm a sexist.
God I hate how my neurodivergence leads me to misogyny. what a weird coincidence that neurotypicals somehow also accidentally end up there too.
God, i hate when anxiety makes me want to lash out at women for existing, that's so bizarre.
yeah, good frame, guys. good work. let's say that all the willful evil in this world can be attributed to mental illness because accountability for your own actions is actually ableism, and all people who are mentally ill should be excused for whatever gross war crime they want to commit.
when you think about it, being a racist is also a form of social anxiety because you just can't talk to anyone who's not white.
your POOR thing.
poc all across the world really need to take in account that white people only became colonisers because they were socially anxious and have a hard time speaking to people, so instead they opted for genocide.
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mulletmitsuya · 2 years
Text
Toman groupchat (everyone's alive so everyone is here, it's also extremely long)
Warnings: swearing, suggestive! chaos, kinda offensive (no offensive terms used)
Desc: this is how they joined toman btw wakui texted me and said this
Takemitchy: ok everyone's here now
Mikey: yeah we added everyone
Mikey: me and Mitchy made a groupchat that'll have all of us here so that we can all be friends. you cannot leave🙂
Izana: i want to call you a homophobic slur
Ran: unprovoked?
Baji: with Takemitchy and Mikey, it's always provoked
Rindou: aren't there actual gay people that you'll offend tho. i won't let the gays be offended by this
Rindou: Takashi don't worry i'll protect you bro
Mitsuya: great
Hakkai: leave him alone Ran😐
Ran: i didn't even do anything Hakkai leave me alone 😭
Takemitchy: only peace and love here guys
Smiley: bull fucking shit
Smiley: i will cause problems intentionally you fucknut
Angry: Smiley😡
Mochi: this isn't gonna work but okay
Smiley: shave off your eyebrows and start again
Mochi: they'll just grow back the same, motherfucker😐
Smiley: you didn't do that to look cool??
Mochi: no
Smiley: what side did you get them from?
Mochi: my moms?
Mochi: why does this matter
Smiley: she must be ugly as shit, damn
Senju: naur 💀
Mochi: i'm going to be violent with you
Smiley: come at me bro
Smiley: nvm you're 6'5 and built like a gorilla
Smiley: i'll accept my loss here
Mikey: i get so happy when i see you all like this
Baji: man stfu you always saying some weird shit
Baji: you and Takemitchy are weird and i'm on to you
Baji: always talking about how "the fruit of our labour has finally flourished"
Baji: weird
Mikey: i never said that wtf😭
Kakucho: Takemitchy did, he says it a lot
Takemitchy: uh do i? it's a lyric from a song that's stuck in my head lmao
Kakucho: you always say it while crying and looking at all of us you weirdo
Izana: this is why people used to be hanged for being gay
Mikey: can u leave him alone
Izana: i don't have to listen to you, i'm older
Mikey: ok, no pupils head ass
Izana: ok, no bitches head ass
Emma: stop fighting, I'll tell Shini-nii☹️
Izana: you're such a pick me Emma oh my god
Emma: i'm not, i only needed one man to pick me😚
Draken: 🙂
Emma: 😕
Draken: ...
Emma: 😒
Draken: 😑
Draken: fine
Draken: i love you Emma, my beautiful girlfriend and future wife❤
Emma: i love you too Kennyy omg😭❤❤❤
Senju: you just forced him to say that why r u so happy 💀
Yuzuha: why am i here
Takemitchy: we need a few responsible people who r scary
Yuzuha: but...nvm
Draken: why do you have fangirls following you
Yuzuha: idk i'm just pretty great
Draken: fair
Chifuyu: i wish i had fangirls
Kazutora: you're ugly
Chifuyu: 😐
Baji: if y'all start again i'll ram a cactus down your throats
Chifuyu: I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
Baji: Kazutora's troubled, stop provoking him. you make eye contact for too long
Baji: you know that agitates him
Kazutora: 😋
Mikey: why r u talking about him like he's a creature or smth
Baji: to some extent he is
Kazutora: hey
Chifuyu: but Baji-san he's doing this on purpose this is so unfair 😭
Draken: Kazutora stop using the mentally ill card
Kazutora: fine, jeez😒
Senju: it's great to have friends tbh
Sanzu: don't say that, it's embarassing
Shion: i still don't believe Sanzu's a dude
Shion: he's too pretty and petite like a girl idc
Shion: like you'll have to take your dick out and show it to me for me to believe me you
Rindou: yo?
Baji: 🤨
Mikey: dude...
Hakkai: can you ever behave
Chifuyu: c'mon man
Smiley: fucking Shion man
Izana: why did you speak
Shion: aren't we all equal here
Izana: who told you that
Shion: your brother, sir
Mucho: Shion stop talking
Shion: y'all switch up rq huh😒
Rindou: everyone shut up and pay attention to me
Mitsuya: i mean this genuinly, i hate it here
Rindou: you're a hater
Mitsuya: that's what i just-
Mitsuya: 😊
Rindou: ok now that Mitsuya's done whining i need help with my stage name
Angry: for what bestie
Rindou: DJing
Hakkai: i thought i was bestie but okay 😒
Angry: you're both bestie
Rindou: i thought I was bae tho lol
Angry: um 🙁
Rindou: i was joking you're ugly
Rindou: this is why your brother has bitches and you don't
Angry: why'd u get so triggered
Angry: and we have the same face😐
Rindou: it's different
Ran: shhhhh this is getting nowhere
Rindou: but my stage name
Smiley: stfu Ran you're a homosexual
Izana: i knew it 😟
Chifuyu: it's always violence with y'all damn
Mikey: OHHH THAT'S WHY U STAND LIKE THAT LMAO
Kakucho: i thought Ran was popular with the ladies
Angry: so which is it Ran? homo or hetero
Kazutora: 💀
Ran: whatever i feel that day
Ran: a hole is a hole after all
Mucho: can you not
Sanzu: 🤢
Rindou: he's lying to you he has no bitches
Rindou: all he does is sleep and do his hair
Ran: i never claimed to have bitches all i did was say i don't have a preference when it comes to gender or sex
Ran: why do people attack me for no reason i'm just sitting here being pretty
Mikey: two flamboyant bisexuals
Mikey: silly Koko and silly Ran
Koko: pls don't say that
Mikey: that you're silly?
Koko: uh, yes
Mikey: ok silly goose
Koko: 😐
Baji: i hate you all and wish i wish i was dead
Baji: i would rather stab myself to death than be here
Mikey: don't fucking say that Keisuke😐
Mikey: i don't find you funny
Mikey: why would you say that
Baji: damn chill what's wrong with you
Takemitchy: we shouldn't joke about death😐
Takemitchy: and let's remember that suicide isn't the only option
Takemitchy: there's always help❤👊
Baji: DO U GUYS SEE WHAT I MEAN
Baji: THEY'RE WEIRD
Inupi: suspicious
Senju: shut up pretty boy
Senju: you're absolutely gorgeous
Senju: that didn't come out the way i wanted it to
Inupi: ?
Sanzu: how did you want it to come out???
Kazutora: i mean he's not wrong he's so beautiful
Kazutora: not in a gay way tho like it just is what it is
Inupi: ...thank you, i guess
Kazutora: i wanna fuck him
Kazutora: idk what happened there, my bad
Chifuyu: chill out
Kazutora: you have a tiny dick
Chifuyu: 😐
Baji: Kazutora c'mon man
Baji: i'm starting to think you're the problem
Kazutora: i'm just flirting
Kazutora: in a homie typa way if ykwim
Baji: i do not
Hanma: good morning my cockroaches
Smiley: fuck you
Hanma: it's a bdsm today💘
Hanma: we should go out and have a beach day and catch jellyfish so that they can sting us and we can pee on each other to stop the pain
Hanma: who ever gets peed on first loses haha
Mitsuya: who even let you in here
Smiley: you gotta go to jail for that
Smiley: he can't keep getting away with this
Draken: wait what did he mean when he said it's a bdsm day am i the only one who's concerned
Kisaki: he thinks it means beautiful day sunny morning
Draken: oh...ok
Mikey: ain't no way
Kazutora: i'll send you a link Hanma dw bro I got you
Kisaki: don't we're in public
Hanma: ohoho this is inhumane why are they doing that🤠
Kisaki: curse you, Kazutora
Kazutora: don't kink shame
Baji: please stop watching graphic porn
Kazutora: no one wants to have sex with me what else should i do
Chifuyu: it's cause of the way you act
Kazutora: let's go outside real quick
Chifuyu: i'm sick of you let's go
Emma: they are going to kiss
Senju: it's giving enemies to loves slow burn
Baji: it's all coming together
Smiley: stop normalizing gay people🙏
Mikey: homophobes get fired from Toman
Smiley: fine
Smiley: slay or whatever the fuck ❤🧡💛💚💜👁👅👁🏳️‍🌈
Yuzuha: feels like a hatecrime tbh
Yuzuha: anyway me and Hakkai r getting on the plane so our phones r gonna be off
Hakkai: see you soon Taka-chan 😊
Mitsuya: yeah stay safe🧡
Angry: what about the rest of us 🙁
Draken: kys Shiba's
Hakkai: huh???
Yuzuha: what'd we do even
Mitsuya: Draken? why'd u say that
Draken: what did I say??
Mikey: kys=kill yourself
Draken: no???
Draken: kys=keep yourself safe
Mikey: who told him that
Smiley: 😁
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ihopesocomic · 4 months
Note
in regards to the topic of depression and it being represented in the comic: people need to realize that the authors are writing this comic based on their own experiences? It's also not like their take here is that if you're depressed, you're depressed and there's nothing you can do about it? It's about having inner strength and being in control of your condition vs. it being in control of you. Therapy is great and everything but ultimately only you can help yourself. /end two cents
Exactly, you worded it better than I did. We are trying to connect to other people, we don't want people to think we don't care about their experiences, but we are going to write about our own experiences, because they're not experiences exclusive to just us.
I know I would've had a much easier time when I was younger if I was introduced to the concept of a character coping with depression instead of being told I'm "just sad" or not trying hard enough or that I don't have "real problems" or that I should find comfort in God and I'm a bad person if I don't.
Having drugs ultimately helped, but depression doesn't stop being there. And my world opened up immensely when I found different ways to help myself. I could wish all day long for no one to experience this, but they do. (Pretending it's all peaches and rainbows can be just as harmful as saying there's no hope for people with mental illness.) So how I try to help is I try to show a positive outlook on it through all of the ugliness. Inner strength is so important, understanding yourself is important, and that's what I wish for everyone. It's far more obtainable. - Cat
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angorwhosebabyisthis · 4 months
Text
there are a lot of reasons i'm really, really impressed by how well sdmi portrayed the dynamic of an abusive relationship with pericles and ricky, and one of the big ones is how accurately they show what it looks like when abuse starts to escalate.
the extent of that is yet another thing that'll take a longpost of its own to go into, because it spans like.... the entire arc of their relationship in the show. but one thing that stands out to me in particular is their portrayal of the massive red flag that is a partner trotting out bigoted behavior against a group you're in. especially insults, and especially directed right at you.
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this show has a LOT of fatphobia, jesus christ does it ever, and there are certainly some fatphobic tropes going on with ricky; but i've always been surprised and impressed by how many of the nastier ones they avoided, especially considering his role in the story and what his arc is about.
he is a major, nuanced character whose trauma is treated with full weight and sincerity. it's implied that his body type changed the way it did due to the trauma he went through when he was younger, and the ensuing mental illness, which is a pretty realistic experience for a lot of people. the things that happen to him are played for full tragedy and horror, when it would have been so, so easy for them to make light of it because Tee Hee Fat Guy and Tee Hee Male Abuse Victims Funnee. despite how his whole thing involves corporate greed, they don't go the route of portraying him as Gluttonous and Hedonistic; if anything he is very obviously not using all that money for even basic physical self-care, and the only time we ever see him eating anything it's when he's drinking wine grape juice with pericles. which, like, there's issues to be unpacked with that too, but jesus christ it's an improvement over what usually happens with characters like him.
he's a fat queer man who isn't degendered or made feminine in a mocking and/or predatory way. (there's nothing wrong with feminine fat queer men and they need more non-shitty rep, please and thank you god, but there is a lot of nastiness in the tropes they're often used for in mainstream media, and one of those tropes is when people consider 'fat queer man' and 'masc' to be oxymorons.) no one ever once calls him ugly; if anything multiple people in his life think he's attractive and desirable, for better or for worse. no one body-shames him. and no one ever mentions his weight.
except pericles.
'The Horrible Herd' and 'The Devouring' are two halves of a whole here, re: escalation of abuse. 'Devouring' is when the abuser goes full mask off and shit hits the fan; 'Horrible Herd' is the wind-up before the punch. HH is when ricky realizes things are getting Bad and he needs to put a stop to this now, and Devouring shows what happens when he tries, because by the point where it's gotten bad enough to give him a wakeup call it's already too late. it's how abusive relationships tend to go, and it's chillingly accurate.
and what's one of the things pericles says during Horrible Herd when that punch is winding up? something no one's ever said before now, including him? 'you pudding-faced dummkopf.'
he body-shames him. he insults his weight, and that's a major turning point. bigotry is something that's often there to some degree from the start, but not always, because some abusers are good at hiding things like that until they're confident they've got you where they want you. the message with ricky and pericles is loud and clear: when this happens, the walls are dripping blood. get out.
(if you can. and be careful when you try.)
when this show is good, it is really, truly good. god damn.
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lala1267 · 1 year
Text
In love with a white boy.
Warnings: kissing, almost sex? Body insecurities, ED, big age gap, mentions of racism.
Notes: black female reader. Decade it the 60s, so there is some mentions of racism (no slurs). And if u don't like age gaps don't read.
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I was just a shy girl named Mina Marie. I was so shy yet so beautiful, it's a shame that I didn't know how to communicate without going bright red. I was tall, dark, and I had the cutest dough eyes. My figure was a slim hourglass, only because I did everything to stay skinny. Even if it meant not eating for days. I was a chubby girl until the age of 13, that was when I started to hate my body. I changed my body so much that if you looked at a picture of me four years ago, you wouldn't recognise me. I wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep, and would always work out. Even if I was on the verge of passing out. Beauty is pain, after all. Even with all of the mental struggles that I was fighting through, I was faced with racism. I was a black girl living in the late 60's what did you expect. I was only seventeen, and I was already model worthy. I had always wanted to be a model, but no one wanted me to model for their companies since I was black. If I walked around the white area, I would get insults thrown at me like I was a bullseye. It was horrible, I spent many nights crying. Just to feel a sense of happiness, I would sleep all day, my dreams were amazing. Until I woke up, back in this cruel world. I would sit down and stare at the girls on the magazines, the beautiful girls. They were petite and white. I was tall and dark. I would feel a sense of relief as I wrote in my diary about my life, my struggles, my pains, and my ills.
"Dear diary, today I cried until I couldn't anymore."
"Dear diary, today I almost passed out. But I'm not hungry."
I had already finished two thick diaries, filled with my emotions and thoughts. I was stunning but I didn't see it. As I looked in the mirror, I would see a hideous goblin rather than the gorgeous girl that actually stood there.
It was a Sunday, and had saw a poster. There was a movie that was looking for background actresses. I was used to being a side character in people's lives, so why not? Besides, I needed the money. Its probably going to be a short, shitty movie anyway. The auditions were open from 10am to 3pm.
"Perfect!" I whisper yelled whilst smiling. I skipped home happily.
Once I was home, I instantly began to get dolled up. I put a small pink dress on, some white flat shoes (in hopes that I wouldn't look to tall), I had also relaxed my hair and put it into a sixties updo. I placed a white headband in my hair as i looked at my reflection In the mirror.
"Oh god." I said in disgust to myself.
"Whatever, suck it up." I snapped angrily at the reflection. I put a peachy-pink lipstick that glossed my plump lips. My eyeshadow was a pastel pink, and my eyelashes were long and curled. I was ready to go, I grabbed my bag and headed out of the door.
As I was walking to the auditions I had to check my watch.
"Two thirty, what the hell!" I yelled to myself as I began to run. I ran fast until I got to the building. It was like a hall. I tried to ignore the white people staring at me as I walked through the door. When I was inside, I looked around in awe. It was large and luxurious. I couldn't afford this in a million years! I walked passed a sign that read,
"AUDITOINS THIS WAY ->"
I got to a queue, it was pretty big. I looked at the girls who were all looking forward. I couldn't seem to find who they were looking at. The queue moved gradually. Some girls walked out crying, and some walked out cheering. What was happening in there? Why are girls crying over a damn audition?
I was next in line, I had a full view of the audition room. It had a white wallpaper and a chair in the middle.
"I thought this was an audition, not a photoshoot." I whispered to myself. I scanned the room, and I layed eyes on all of the men. They were old and ugly. Except for one of them. I knew who this was. Everyone knew who this was. He was tanned and handsome. His hair was jet-black and kind of messy, but in a sexy way. It was...
"Elvis Presley!" I heard a girl scream behind me. That was when I had a reality check. I was doing an audition in front of the king, Elvis! I felt my blood rush through my body as my heart pounded against my ribcage. I was not fit for this, I didn't want to do this anymore, I wanted out. But it was too late to turn back now.
"Mina Marie next please!" I heard a man's voice shout from inside the room. I had to stop being a pussy and just do it. I hesitantly walked into the room as I felt the eyes shift onto me. I twiddled my thumbs and looked everywhere else but Elvis until I heard a man's voice.
"So, we don't care if ya got talent or not. We just need a pretty face for our background. So just sit yourself down and look pretty." One old man said. I stepped back and sat on the wooden stool. I placed my butt onto the cold wood as a camera was brought up to myself. I had a job to do, so no matter how nervous I was, I needed to get it over with. I posed like a goddes as the camera flashed and clicked. I was still posing ten minutes later. Surely it shouldn't take this long. I sneakily looked at Elvis, who had a big smile plastered on his face. He looked at my face, then my body. I felt my cheeks turn hot. When will this be over?
"Ok, you've got the spot. Be back tomorrow at 8 am, sweetie." I heard Elvis say before licking his lips. His blue eyes were now stuck on my brown ones. I shyly smiled as I walked out of the room.
THE NEXT DAY:
I woke up at 7 am. I had instantly begun to get ready. I wore pink flare jeans and a white crop top that showed just the right amount of cleavage. I had left my hair down. My makeup was flawless, pink eyeshadow, black eyeliner, and glossy lips. I was beautiful.
It was soon time to go. I grabbed my bag before walking out onto the street. I was dreading going to that place again. I took out a pen and my diary out of my bag. I wrote in it as I walked.
"Dear diary, as you know, yesterday I got the job of a side actor or something. I am now heading to the building to do my scenes. I am so scared. What if I mess up?!" I carried on writing until I arrived at the grande place again. This time, as I walked in, I was led into another area of the hall. I was escorted into a room full of side actors, and the main actors. I sat on the only empty seat left. Stood infront of us was the director.
"Hello and welcome. Today, we will be doing a couple of scenes. Your trailers are outside, right through that door. You can have time to get settled in. You all must return here at 10am for the first scene." He stated confidently. Everyone got up and walked out of the door into their trailers. I looked around and attempted to find my trailer wich was nowhere to be seen. I stood there awkwardly biting my nails.
"Ya alright darlin?" I heard a deep voice from behind me say. I turned around just to be met with the one and only, Elvis. I stood there for a second before replying.
"Oh, uh I just c-can't seem t-to find my trailer." I said quietly whilst stuttering. I looked to the floor, awaiting his response.
"You can share with me." He said as he smiled. My head instantly jolted up to look at his kind eyes. I looked at him, confused, before quietly replying.
"Really?"
"Of course, honey." He said. I just smiled. He held his hand out for me to hold. I was hesitant but did it anyway. He then led me inside the trailer. He let go of my hand and sat down. He patted the empty area next to him, urging me to sit next to him. I shyly walked over to him and sat down. He turned to look at my big eyes.
"So, what's your name, darlin?"
"Mina." I quietly said as I tried to look somewhere other than his hypnotising eyes.
"That's a real pretty name for a pretty girl." He said. I was surprised that he thought I was pretty. I just smiled in response. The awkward silence was cut short when the director called us to start the scene. I instantly got up. Elvis got up after me. His hand glided alond my hip as we walked out.
The scene had started, and I was seated in the background with another girl. I had to pretend to talk to the girl whilst Elvis was doing his main character shit. I couldn't help but look at him. He was wearing a black button-up and black blue flares. His outfit wasn't the best, I didn't mind looking at him though. I felt a deep jealousy rise in me as I saw him acting with another girl. She was blonde and white, of course.
I can't be getting jealous over a man I wasn't dating.
I thought to myself. The scene was over, and many more were yet to come. This was going to be a long day.
8pm- After all the scenes were done.
I walked out into the trailer park. It was a cold, wet night. I felt a gust of fresh breeze on my face. I walked over to the trailer that me and Elvis shared. I slowly opened the door. I stepped into the trailer, kicking off my shoes as I did so. I walked over to the bathroom area and began to brush my relaxed hair and remove my makeup. I felt the energy shift as I saw Elvis through the mirror. He was leaning against the doorframe, admiring me.
"Ya look real pretty without makeup." He complemented me as he smirked. I shyly smiled before quietly saying,
"Thankyou, Elvis." He stood up properly and furrowed his brows.
"Why are ya always so quiet, doll?" He asked, genuinely interested. I struggled to get my words out.
"I've always been quiet, I never had anyone to talk to anyway." I stated in an even quieter tone. He stepped closer to my body. I knew I was tall, but he somehow still towered over me. I could feel his hot breath on my face as I looked up into his eyes.
"I could make you loud. Fifteen minutes with me and ya would be screaming real loud." He flirtatiously whispered with a cheeky smile forming on his face. I could feel the heat in my cheeks. He leaned down, in hopes that our lips would meet. That didn't go as planned since I pussied out. I backed away and began to fiddle with my fingers.
"I'm, s-so sorry Elvis." I whispered silently before running off into the bedroom. Elvis was flabbergasted. Once I was in the bedroom, my eyes filled with tears. I had always been a crybaby. At any minor inconvenience, I would just bawl my eyes out. I sat on the edge of the bed, head in my hands as I cried.
Why would I screw up a moment like this?
I thought to myself. Just then, I felt Elvis's hand on my back as he sat down next to me. He began to frantically apologise.
"I'm sorry, did I scare you or something?" He asked very concerned. I lifted my head up to look at the man. His facial expression grew worried as he wiped away my tears with his big hands.
"What's wrong? Talk to me, doll." He said as he cupped my cheek. My shaky breath calmed before I opened my mouth to speak.
"I ain't never kissed anybody before. No one's ever talked to me like that before either." I said as I attempted to regain my breath. His face was now confused.
"You've never kissed anybody before? How old are ya?" He asked curiously. I hesitated to reply.
"Seventeen." I nervously stated."Is that bad? How old are you?" I asked.
"36" that was a shock, but it kind of turned me on. I crossed my legs as I attempted to ease my arousal. He noticed this.
"Ya getting excited already?" He asked sarcastically.
"What, no!" I raised my voice in hopes that he would believe me. Instead, he just shook his head and laughed. He was so nice to look at and I couldn't hold it in anymore, I needed him. I didn't know what kind of devil took over me. I grabbed his face and planted my lips onto his. I swirled my tongue around his and playfully bit his lips. His hands traced down my body as mine were playing with his now messy hair. I was in heaven. I straddled him like a horse and began to swirl my hips and kiss him until I couldn't anymore. Our high quickly came to an end when we heard a voice from the other trailer call,
"Can you two keep it down? The world doesn't need to know that you're getting it on!" We just giggled cheekily. Elvis looked up at me, who was on top of him.
"I really like you, and your moves." He said whilst laughing. I just rolled my eyes before replying.
"I really like you too, baby" I said flirtatiously.
From that day forward, we were inseparable
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