#god i fucking hate my mom man
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bashing my skull in
#yeahhhh i figured something would go downhill. we do be breaking down rn#haha. hahahaha#i know saying i want to be dead and I want to kill myself is like. bad and not good for me but i Want To Kill Myself.#wait fuck nvm did the. Suicide???? from. Book Lost Canines????? im fine now#i hate that that actually works this is so fucking cringe of me uhm anyway#Yeahg#good news is i have a therapy appointment tomorrow bad news is i dont know how im gonna talk about this and then im gonna have a headache#afterwards from the time outside and im. aoeugh#god i fucking hate my mom man#i love her but shes. a real bitch sometimes#especially recently#aethers rants#personal posts and stuff idk#cw vent#cw sui ideation
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soooo i am not handling getting my period and the news my mom has xx amount of months to live at the same time very well
#i am trying to but god really said fuck you this round#hating 2024 so far 👏👏#personal#also my mom had a dream the night before her appr#of a blonde curly haired guy being my bf?#me: ok mom u have cancer in your head shhhh#and then literally the next day the resident med student assisting the doc#was a blonde curly haired man and she was like: weirdly he looked like the guy ib my dream#i am trying to end this on a funny note just like i did with my therapy session today#and i am sure its working as well here as it did there#that is to say not well at all#👍👍 hate it here
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PLS CONGRATULATE ME, I FINALLY DID SOMETHING THAT I’VE BEEN PUTTING OFF BC ANXIETY FOR LITERALLY MONTHS THAT I ACTUALLY RLY WANTED TO DO (CALL MY DAD)
#i have actually Rly missed him but i do the nd thing of not interacting for months and convincing myself#that they hate me bc of that#don’t get it twisted#i have an absolutely horrible stepdad who i fucking hate#and my mom also sux#i am not in the Good relationship w parents club unfortunately#but my dad is a v nice v autistic jewish man and i love him v much#god i wish he got custody of me growing up… maybe then i would have ptsd -_-#I MEANT WOULDNT
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I am so fucking sick of living with my roommate and his fuck ass boyfriend. Also watching my roommate burn every single one of his (already rather minimal, I might add) bridges for this guy is also kind of painful but also his relationship with me is one of said bridges so I'm almost past the point of even feeling bad for him lmao
#i have had to piss for probably the better part of an hour now#because they decided to take a shower together and have been in there for well OVER an hour now#and this is a nightly occurence atp sometimes MULTIPLE times a day#we have one bathroom.... can yall not be considerate enough to not be in there for up to TWO HOURS AT A TIME???#also it's such a waste of fucking water....#idk we've hit a point where i literally hear the bf doing anything and i get pissed off#but also tell me why i'm sitting in my room (which shares a wall with the bathroom) and i can hear this man hacking and spitting shit up#and this is also something that happens multiple times a day#like.... dude.... why are you spitting up toothpaste so fucking loudly oh my fucking god#but yeah no i'm like my roommate's only friend atp and he's about to not have me lmao like we're about to reach#'i'm cutting you off when i move out' levels of me being pissed off with this whole situation type shit#and apparently the bf convinced him to come out to his family which his mom was chill which is good#his dad's side of the family though....? not great. and my roommate KNEW that would be the case cuz we'd talked about it before#also love that my roommate has constantly talked about moving out of the city we live in because he hates and also there's no good career#opportunities for him here (which is true)#and now. MAGICALLY. he's like 'idk i think it'd be best for me to stay here'#like oh my GOD???? are you hearing yourself???? are you fucking stupid???? you fucking hate it here???#but sure throw your life away and ruin all your meaningful relationships for a guy you met six months ago jfc#and the thing is i *know* my roommate we've been close CLOSE friends for nearly a decade now#i know he is not like this.... like yeah he's being insane by allowing this but also i know these aren't the kinds of decisions he would ma#and also i know he wouldn't treat me like this all on his own#it's the deranged fucking control freak of a guy he decided to date and my roommate has too many of his own issues to put his foot down#about certain things and tell the guy no so he's just allowing him to completely take over his life#and fuck everything up until the bf is the only thing he has left once it's all said and done#and yeah. it's painful to watch. but also wtf am i supposed to do because obviously my opinion is not respected nor wanted regarding this#that has been made PAINFULLY clear#ugh this is so fucking horrendous#what is it with ppl who start to date someone and then go clinically fucking insane and destroy their lives all for this one person#who. realistically. they barely know in comparison to all the other ppl in their life#like explain it to me jfc
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Fml. I have mental illnesses for real fhat arent just garden variety anxiety and depression <- sorry it turned into a vent/rant in the tags. The perilous poster
#THIS IS NOTHING IM FINE !!!#i just had to remember earlier that sometimes i dont get to be myself#and i drove through my ahit moms town for no reason#and we got a kitten and of course i feel like the only one reasonably concerned#so idk if my concerns are valid or if im overreacting and i dont know how much of my worry is justified#what if im just being a party pooper?#ANDDDD on top of that i dont know where the kitten is rn. and its fine. ots fine#but my mind keeps flashing me images of him stuck somewhere or hurt or somethinf#and i was supposed to be watching him but i left to make food#but my family keeps going 'oh lets do a small trip' so i dont add anything to the list#and then they get a bunch of bs and i dont get any food#WE DONT NEED COSMIC BROWNIES MAN I NEED TO EAT A REAL MEAL THAT MAKES ME FULL PLEASE GOD#and our older cat hates the kitten and im worried the stress is gonna kill him because hes fucking 19#agghh aaghhhhhhh and i cant keep up with everyone and im overwhelmed and i think im just like#upset because i havnt had real food but fuck man idk what to do about that#i coukd bike down to the store and get a sandwich#but my stupid brain keeps going 'if you leave the kitten will die and its your fault'#even though thats not fuckong correct#and i just. aaghhh. aaghhhhhh#and im overheatinf rn but i cant go to my room bc aforementioned kitten desth prophecies#and i. just. aaghhhh ghhhhrrhhhh ghrrrr#im fine im fine i just need to complain i need to be a bitch#ANDDD im tired cause i coulsnt sleep which isng helping#god ive been having a bunch of panic attacks lately too i stopped having them so much after quitting school
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oh i am on the Brink of a mental breakdown. and like a real one. i am going to feel so so fucking terrible and guilty if i don’t go to the first week of mac rehearsal bc i need to recover but i am also getting the sense that i Need to recover. i have never been this burnt out or genuinely terrified of starting a new semester in my life.
#we go back to campus a week early for mac. to be clear#and god they’ll be long days and they’ll be physically emotionally and mentally draining and i genuinely dont know if i can take that#but i am also going to be missing SO much time. and i won’t be there to support the people who i need to#i have also. been thinking a lot about how i’m scared that i think so much abt death bc i’m gonna be one of those people#who seem even more than everyone else like they have a finite time and then they die young#and then my mom compared me to jonathan larson tonight#so maybe that’s some sort of sign that i need to slow the fuck down#i am crying rn. for myself. which happens about three times a year#and yeah one is usually during winter break so we’re on schedule#i don’t know. idk!! i don’t know what to do here#and i still have to do my fucking scene prep for tomorrow#bc i was talking my mom about it and i really needed support which she was giving and then she has to leave for five seconds#and when she came back the entire conversation was just about her own problems again which we’ve already talked about every fucking night bc#- you can’t leave conversations with her and i hate when she fucking drunks i hate it i hate it#i am Not Well. i’ve sort of been avoiding admitting to myself just how badly#but man. i can push through anything until i drop but when i start wishing that i’ll drop so i have an excuse for a break….. not good#ted talks#the west wing
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man, one of my favorite things about nightheart as a character is that, as an apprentice, he went to a gathering where the adults were discussing the leader thing and he just pipes up from the kids table and says "hey, how about we try democracy" and everyone gets mad at him
like,,, it's so fuckin funny
#warrior cats#nightheart#flamepaw#a starless clan#warrior cats nightheart#night is my favorite protag this arc because he's so fucking funny#everything he does is emo and he leaves every conversation he ever has thinking that the other cat is stupid and hates him#he's a gremlin#like fanon scourge shops at hot topic but CANON nightheart shops at hot topic#nightheart is peak 'it's not just a phase mom' energy#he listens to mcr and stares into the trees#i mean even his name is emo#the night is black... just like my heart...#finch tells him to stfu#god i love this man#also bc he's potentially the biggest antihero protag wc has had and we love diversity#i will cry if nightsun (romantically) is endgame i will only take it as marriage of convenience
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hey guys. wasnt able to be on tumblr because ivr been busy building this he-man castle grayskull mega construct (knock off lego) set for the past 36 hours. doesnt it look awesome
#The most grueling fucking set ive ever built#i know its not OFFICIAL LEGO but by god you couldve tried a LITTLE bit#for starters#iT DOES NOT FUCKING END. YOU CAN NOT STOP AFTER EACH BAG LIKE WITH LEGO YOU EITHER STOP IN THE MIDDLE FOR NO REASON OR YOU GO UNTIL YOU DIE#(my route)#Like. why#why would you do that#secondly#idk. it was just annoying#it looks awesome from the outside the inside is mid but i like the characters#my mom got it for me like. 2 years ago. Um#Tbf she got it for ME because SHE likes he man (i never liked he man cause every road trip she would play the same he man christmas special#dvd in our dvd player for like hours over and over)#i was a she ra girly. And now im a reboot she ra girly#<- she hates the she ra reboot but thats fiar bc she grew up with the og… she doesnt know true#This is number 2 on my list for worst building experience lego set idc that its not lego#number 1 is the big millenium falcon#number 3 is the titanic#this one is worse than the titanic and i literally worked on that bitch for 6 and a half days straight#That was more enjoyable than this.
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trying to do some financial math for if i move out and getting sick to my stomach
#ohhhhhhhhh god. oh christ alive.#my problem is that my discipline used to be great when i was both severely depressed/agoraphobic AND unemployed#and stopped wanting for things altogether. not the case anymore#wanting for things usually being...eating during or after work or getting a ride to go somewhere nice for a bit. whatever#i think its...DOABLE theoretically but im like. um. nervous#asked my manager for full time hours which im already kicking myself over but well if i want to get out of here#and i do so so so fucking badly#then. things have to change#struggling hard. i hate change and i hate making decisions especially ones i have yet to tell my mom about#NUMBER of things keeping me from acting quite yet but thats probably the worst is the thought of telling her#i dont know...how financially me moving out is going to work for her and my brother (who also wants to move eventually)#and i dont...i dont want to leave them here to drown#but i cant DO IT ANYMORE MAN if i dont try to get out i never will and the despair of being stuck here has done IMMENSE damage#to me over the last few weeks particularly after being able to envision a future where things are different#thinking about getting out of here gives me the energy to do things. i want to get out. i NEED to get OUT#god i really should just start making the body of the post the title and then writing the tags where the post should go#this is not how blogging works generally. embarrassing. well it probably wont change because i dont care enough
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burgertron HATE ged prep . burgertron PILEDRIVE WHOEVER MADE IT SO THAT YOU HAVE TO TAKE 4 SEPARATE TESTS TO GET A PIECE OF PAPER THAT SAYS YOU DID IT into THE FUCKING DIRT!!!!!!!
#the captain's rambles#if you couldnt tell im having a bit of a rough time <:']#my mom is like “oh well youre Making it stressful it's gonna be okay” I HAVE TO FUCKING DO SHIT WITH VARIABLES#THIS SHIT WOULD BE STRESSFUL EVEN IF I *WASNT* ALREADY DREADING DOING IT#i HATE education i HATE SCHOOL i hate everything this STUPID SYSTEM STANDS FOR and most importantly I LOATHE VARIABLS#whoever put LETTERS ?? in MATH??? Die.#because now i have to fucking figure out what x and y are on a practice test#i dont even HATE math normally. in every other instance of math im actually okay w/ solving questions#ged math ??? is on some shit#FUCK geds man i hate it here . i wanna just fuck off and go do whatever and be productive with something i Actually Enjoy Doing#not having to sit here and do tests so i can get a piece of paper that does nothing but allow me to apply for a community college#<- a place i am EQUALLY unexcited for and dreading#miserable fucking books i have to do work in. and then i gotta do like 4 different equally fucking miserable tests for each subject#and then i have to pray to god i didnt fail and i got the minimum passing grade of AT LEAST 145 out of *200.*#im going to destroy Everything.#i dont want congratulations for doing this shit either because i didnt wanna do it IN THE FIRST PLACE !!!!!!#im only doing this because i HAVE TO to get my parents off my ass about it not because i WANNA#if it were up to me i'd be doing just art and collecting or other hobbies i ACTUALLY ENJOY and i wouldnt be worrying about academics#but we cant have nice things so now i have to stress abt this shit like a college student studying for midterms#rant over. im gonna go eat now . pray 4 me that i dont kill someone /lh
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I hate it when you're going through a mentally ill moment and there's only one thing you can think shit without going insane girl what do you mean the obey thing preventing me from exploding into a million pieces is come on baby america
#me: man i fucking hate everything im in pain and my moms in a shitty mood god fucking damn it#my vampire brother in law: *fornite dancing* come on baby america!!#me: ahh ahahaa awesomee wheee
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Rly pisses me of when people say I need to "take more risks" financially by investing or some shit like that because "boo hoo we're not getting retirement in the future". Like yeah you piece of shit, I know I'll work to death, but I also know investing in the exact thing that's keeping me from owning a house (which is, stocks in hedge funds and housing vultures) is foolish as hell if I TRULY believe I can buy a home.
Also: have you considered the possibility of the stock market crashing and losing everything. Because I did. Because my family has gone through extreme hardships where we barely escaped homelessness thrice now.
#idk man i hate the economy i hate how i am one missed paycheck from losing it all#i hate how i lost 4kg of weight the last 6 months because i can't afford to eat well#i hate how vegetables are expensive#i hate how it's always some rich dumbass telling me i should get a credit card and lose even more of my privacy#so i can 'build credit' (IT'S MEANINGLESS HERE!!!!) when all that's gonna do is be a liability#i hate how i would be one missed payment from entering the bank's blacklist if i lost my job#because guess fucking what? that's what happened to us when i was 3#for a 500 BRL credit card bill we couldn't pay.#god fucking knows how hard my mom worked into getting a miracle out of our pennies. i am not up to that again#being malnourished at 3 and at 14 was enough to me.#i cannot go back to that state again. i REFUSE to let myself waste below 50kg again for the sake of 'the economy'.#fuck you.#jorjposting
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so my mom's been dating this guy who's birthday is LITERALLY the day after mine, and my birthday lands on a saturday this year and she wants to leave on my birthday to go see her boyfriend and celebrate his birthday. make it make sense.
#*carly catalogs#*personal#good to know where her priorities lie 👍#i fucking hate this man i've hated him from the moment she met him like... 3yrs ago#and i really hate her rn too who just fucking leaves their kid on THEIR BIRTHDAY?????????#i have no irl friends to celebrate with so i'll be completely and 100% alone#which normally i don't mind cause i enjoy my alone time#but i've spent pm the past 3-4yrs celebrating by myself#it'd just be nice to spend it with someone else even if that one someone else is my mom#god i love her but i also really can't stand her it's such a double ended sword#tbd#sorry she just mentioned this and it severely triggered me cause she is my best friend but also my worst enemy
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OO has me in a fucking vice grip with the urge to lunge at Seph's throat!!!!!!! I can't fucking believe he convinced Kadaj to join him!!!!!! I'm gonna go fucking feral!!!! Leave my sonboy alone!!!!! He has no free will!!! He keeps being used for what Jenova wants cuz of the cells and he keeps being used by Seph as a remnant!!! Daj can never truly have something of his own accord cuz of the very meaning of his existence!!!!! He can never be an individual cuz of them, but without them he wouldn't exist!!!! LET HIM BE HIS OWN PERSON!!!!
And to top it off, Team Ninja dangles a Loz and Yazoo tease in my face after I just said I need Kadaj to have his real brothers back!!!! FUCK!!!! I FUCKING HATE FINAL FANTASY!!!!!!!
#i love kaien trying to help even tho this has nothing to do with him. thank you grandpa 🥺#kadaj and repliku would be a match made in heaven. i want them to talk and go on a murder spree for funsies together#im gonna kill seph so fucking hard. i hate it here!!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#at least now i know why kadaj and seymour team up to be ducklings to weiss. tho im not caught up to know how/why they leave seph yet#im just. im gonna die man. im so happy OO added kadaj and gave him so much development and i love that the game takes characters seriously#but god. do they have to keep tormenting MY FUCKING SON!?!?!?!#LET HIM RETURN TO HIS NEW MOM AND DAD (zack and aerith)!!!! GIVE HIM HIS LITTLE BROTHERS BACK!!!! GIVE HIM FUCKING FREE WILL!!!! FUCK!!!!!#its such a good time to be so abnormal about a 2005 one off sequel movie villain. genuinely. it just hurts at the same time#i also like how everyone's fine with kadaj and is even trying to help him cuz despite being morally gray. at least hes against seph.#so hes a good kid in their books 🥺#brb gonna go speedrun the og 7 real quick so i can beat seph's ass in the name of my best boy#also when we get loz and yazoo i wonder if theyll be a joint unit like in brave exvius of if theyll be seperate but released back to back#like reno and rude 🤔#i was expecting sonon or nero next but i do think they wont come until after part 2. while i want genesis most then. i would actually rather#have the baby bro duo if it means they have a real chance of getting in. i didnt actually believe it would be possible. but no it looks real
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(drags hand down face) When there's Christian proselytizing blazed on the dash...
#ink thinks#christianity mention#the thing is this one is just. sad to me?#like ive had some in the past that are just outright hateful#this one though... this one is less outright and just strikes me as someone who like.#can't bear the thought of losing out on the relationships they've had their entire life?#fuck man i just. i spent so much of my time at church in my last months of going just. miserable.#that part of my family wanted me to be something i'm not. and they tried so damn hard to push me into that shape#yet i often wonder what would have happened to me if i didn't have my mom's non-religious perspective on the world#would i have cracked under the pressure of needing my family and forced myself to be a perfect cookie cutter mormon?#i sure spent most of my last years w/my dad doing everything i could to keep up appearances while i was there#idk man. i hope that poster takes some time to reflect. bc it really does sound like someone doing this#bc if they don't then the people that have always loved them will love them less. maybe even stop loving them.#and also god i hope they realize how much internalized homophobia and transphobia they have christ almighty#...so funny of me to use christian exclamations while complaining abt christianity. anyways
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RARGH screamy day and it’s barely 9 am
#I fucking hate my arthritis#today is going to be so rough#literally days like today I start to wonder if I qualify for a disability parking plaque thing#because walking between classes is AWFUL#but then I remember how hard it is to get one and how my doctor probably won’t qualify me just because I’m young#and I feel lazy#but also genuinely want to cry because of the inflammation and pain rn#idk man maybe I need a cane#and I shouldn’t be embarrassed about that but ugh#god what does it say that I think more about how my mom would think it’s dumb/I don’t need it than anything else#please ignore I’ll be fine I just need to scream into the void sometimes
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