#good news is i have a therapy appointment tomorrow bad news is i dont know how im gonna talk about this and then im gonna have a headache

[the-gayest-sky-kid]

bashing my skull in

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent personal medical long post

So the shit week continues. No new painkillers, i took the last expired hydrocodone, so if im still in pain tomorrow im gonna have to cut a morphine in half and see if i can tolerate it (i took a whole 15mg one on sunday when my back pain first went out, and while it helped it was way too much painkiller and i got so nauseous. The hydrocodone is 1/3 of the morphine dose, and i dont know how to cut this tiny fucking morphine pill into 3. I dunno if its even big enough to be cut in half!!)

The specialist did get me a back xray which was normal (as expected), and physical therapy, which is good, except i can only attend if i get an appointment within 2 weeks, because after that i wont have a ride, and the distance to walk there is 2.5 miles steep downhill (fine. Ive done that walk before. It would suck because of the pain.) But coming back home after the appointment would be 2.5 miles steep uphill when im probably extremely sore and can barely walk after physical therapy (has always been the case whenever ive gone to pt) and i dont think i can fucking do 5 miles. I can hardly walk the stairs in my house. (Warned u bout the stairs dogg) The occasional 3 mile round trip that i do to go to the post office when i dont have access to a car is bad enough that it puts me out of commission, especially bc its all uneven terrain no sidewalks.

I tried calling anyway and its voicemail so theyre probably at lunch right now. But it still sucks. Im so fucking tired of this.

I hate having to rely on other people - doctors or family. I hate having to make and attend so many appointments. And im not even fucking doing everything i need to. I saw this pt place has pain management (i didnt think there was any in this area so i gave up on that) so i can try asking for that too, but again, thats more appointments i need to coordinate, and last time i did pain management they basically said "see a psychiatrist for antidepressants or try medical marijuana bc we cant do anything else for you" lmao (i did the mm despite never having tried it before. It helps but its not enough lol). My current psychiatrist has exhausted every medical option for my depression. So its either they give me painkillers or something else idk what, or i just stay home and continue to suffer.

And thats a whole nother thing the rheumatologist today was like "oh why did you stop antidepressants if youre in so much pain??" My duDE I WAS SO MISERABLE AND COULDNT DO ANYTHING AT ALL. FOR FIVE FUCKING YEARS. Once i stopped antidepressants, i was able to start exercising regularly, i started drawing and writing with more enjoyment (had not drawn with regularity since 2019!!), i am more present in life, like... doing antidepressants was the worst fucking 5 years of my life. None of them helped my depression, they only made me worse. I tried every branch of them and not a single one helped. Im still fucking depressed and anxious as shit taking methylphenidate but hard evidence points to it being a great help compared with anything else ive ever taken. God that fucking "treatment resistant depression" diagnosis was the worst fucking thing. Theres like nothing else to try except super niche experimental treatments that insurance wont cover and they dont accept secondary insurance (which is the one that i could probably get to cover a new treatment but it takes a lot of coordination on both parties, like what im doing for my tmj problems and getting aligners). Ughhh. I dont wanna fucking do experimental shit either. Unless someone wants to donate me an ayahuasca vacation or something lmao. (Joke, i dont have a passport and i dont wanna pause all my other meds)

It sucks that none of my medical problems are treatable. I got permanent depression/anxiety/ocd/whatever other things that are undiagnosed despite my requests for testing. Permanent endometriosis (no cure and my body isnt accepting the medical or sugical treatments). Lifelong teeth problems (unknown if this new treatment will help my teeth or jaw yet but like.. arthritis is also lifelong and damage is damage). Arthritis thats lifelong but Mostly managed, at least during warm seasons. Permanent untreatable fibromyalgia (the antidepressants are the only medical treatment for it and never helped with pain, maybe even made it worse, and no one wants to give me painkillers anymore since like 2015. Sucks that old people can get painkillers like candy but because im young and hide my pain really well i get treated like an addict. My mom was like 'your gramma gets painkillers all the time!!' Yeah but im not in my 70s. Theres age bias here.) I got chronic untreated gerd (well, i take otc meds, and my attempts to treat it got canceled bc thats when covid was rampant, and the doc stopped prescribing me stronger meds bc i hadnt seen him in a while, bUT I LITERALLY COULDNT GET IN BC OF COVID. I just dont eat any of my favourite acidic foods anymore. I miss tomatoes. Sometimes i gotta eat them and just triple up on 3 different antacids and deal with the sore throat the next day). Well, was gonna say i got chronic insomnia but thats probably the only thing thats fully treated by 2 meds and sometimes weed. (But like. Im a nightowl. Its just that i have to fit in with society to get up in the morning for appointments. I have that like delayed body clock issue lol. So in a way it kind of is still a chronic issue, but at least im getting a full night of sleep when the body pain isnt extreme.)

But yeah. It sucks to be me. Dunno where im going w this post. Its just so frustrating when youre telling the doctor you're in constant pain and hes like 'i know. See you in a couple months.' Rheumatologists are supposed to treat fibro. But i always get hot potatoed to the next doctor. Like i get it, i am untreatable, but someone please do something! Ugh. Like theres really no options besides painkillers or weed, and i can only use weed in the evenings bc my family doesnt approve (literally said the most vile shit when i mentioned the pain clinic recommended it), plus cant use it if im gonna drive somewhere - in theory, i dont have a license lol but the point is i shouldnt have to take an intoxicant during the day!! Painkillers at the lowest dose do not intoxicate me, and in fact, make me more lucid bc it lifts the fucking fog of pain!! Wish doctors would understand how much they helped me in the past. When i was on the combo of painkillers and the arthritis med im on now, i was literally going for jogs every fucking day. I have proof of it. I probably couldnt do that now bc im a lot heavier and a lot sicker, but the point is i can be more active if im not in pain, and being active helps both the arthritis and fibro! Ughhhh.

Online is like "painkillers have not been shown to help fibro" bull fucking shit. Maybe im an odd one out. But ive been diagnosed since i was 12 and fit the fucking symptoms. They fucking help and ive been off them for so many fucking years now while all my health has deteriorated. Do you know how miserable it is to find out you have fibromyalgia affecting the nerves around your teeth? On top of my tmj problems!! I can barely eat anything since starting the aligners because my mouth is in too much pain!!

The only thing painkillers havent helped was the fucking endometriosis, which ironically, is the only reason i even have painkillers on hand for my back injury.

And god fuck i do not want to think abt the endo. Theres no quality of life when im panicking every day about when the next flare up is gonna happen. Theres no hope there bc theres no treatment that works for me. I already had a hysto but it was probably too late since the endo spread. Idk if im gonna survive the next flare. Especially because i have to stop taking the med that was possibly helping since ive been on it too long. The doctors ive been seeing have just been like "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it" which is just causing more anxiety because the bridge is like. This next month. Whenever theres a flare up, i have to stop ALL my arthritis meds just so i can take advil since thats the only thing that provides me some relief (and thats terrifying bc advil has given me an ulcer before! Because of taking it during a period and i was in too much pain to sit up for 10 minutes after taking it. Fuck endo.) Idk what to do.

Anyway. Thats the sitch. Ill try calling for pt again since this took a while to type. If theyre still closed, well, i guess ill just go fuck myself.

[thevirgodoll]

My mental health has been stopping my success no matter how hard I try. I’ve been going to therapy and getting help and it’s getting a little better but it’s still unbelievably hard. I’d love to hear your tips on being gentle bc sometimes the thoughts get too much. And the people around me aren’t the kindest (working on getting out of this situation as well)

•get some sleep...ik this is the hardest thing but YOU NEED 8 HOURS - it changes everything...less sleep for me brings on an episode

•journaling: when things get rough literally just open a document or a diary and just let it all out, don’t worry about making it perfect...just do a stream of consciousness daily to analyze your thought process and be honest n real

•have a hobby...it will make you feel so much better

•remember that you have something impacting your brain and life...it is NOT your fault

•have someone that will hold you accountable and check in on you!!!

•get away from negative people...they’re a poison to you - if they happen to be in your space then limit your interactions with them and don’t give them any reaction. give them NOTHING! leave them fighting for attn

•be honest about your bad days!!! stop holding back on that because you’ll just feel like garbage

•depressive episodes? set timers to eat, set timers to shower, for everything

•prepare yourself when you’re feeling bad, have your snacks and movies and everything and just take it easy stop berating yourself just be nice and acknowledge that you’re sick and you deserve rest

•workout at home with a baddie playlist...get yourself moving or dance to some music

•have compassion for yourself the same way you have for other ppl. stop treating yourself like you don’t have feelings

•validate yourself...don’t overlook your trauma or pain. everyone is hurting. you’re allowed to hurt it doesn’t matter how far gone you think you are or how bad of a person your mental illness claims you are..you are doing okay and it’s going to get better. it’s not easy but it’s worth it. let your heart cry, and let your inner child catch a break. for once, just stop carrying the weight of it all.

•DONT LET ANYONE DEMONIZE OR STEREOTYPE YOUR MENTAL ILLNESSES!! this is why people invalidate themselves!! trust me i have a loottttt to say on this. people do NOT get it and i understand, trust me they use bipolar as an adjective (when it has multiple states??? so it makes no sense), they think my ADHD only means i’m smart and can’t pay attn (that’s...not even the half of it), and that there’s no disability or chronic illness...don’t let ppl downplay anything!!!!!!!! and don’t let ppl make you feel bad for meds either like? the ignorance!

•when intrusive thoughts come, take a deep breath and acknowledge how you’re feeling...question them...ask about the rationality...combat them with statements about yourself (“well i’m smart so that’s just not true.” “i know i’m loved so that’s just an irrational thought”). THE NEGATIVITY ITS ALL THOUGHTS & FEELINGS! but not facts

•combat more thoughts with comforting statements like

“i know this situation will pass”

“this feeling won’t last forever”

“i won’t fight my feelings. but i know they won’t be allowed to stay much longer. i’m going to focus on this opportunity to take back control of my life. my thoughts don’t control me, i do.”

“this will all be over soon. everything will be okay.”

•be honest in therapy...yes we can joke about lying but it does nothing but stunt your growth. tell the truth, the therapist is only there to help. this is a form of self love - you’re being honest and getting the treatment you deserve because you deserve to win!!!

•if you take medicine, don’t skip doses...no matter how hard the day is, you’re going to feel much worse if you skip any doses. you’re going to feel dead inside and absolutely horrible. medicine may not work one day but that doesn’t mean you won’t have a better day tomorrow. medicine isn’t guaranteed to always work, you’re going to still have bad days. monitor your progress though, if you have more bad days than good, schedule the appointment (if you have a mood disorder, consider the fact that you may be in an episode love). but do not stop meds without speaking to your doctor. and if your meds are working, don’t skip doses and stay hydrated and watch your alcohol intake / or don’t drink because all of these things can mess with the effectiveness of your meds.

•you may feel like being alone is worse than anything, but it’s not. your own company will end up being the best. this is the time to learn about yourself. cook new things. change your wardrobe. again, hobbies!!! learn new languages. have fun with yourself...do a exercise of 5 things you’re grateful for, qualities you love about yourself, and things you look forward to with yourself as far as mental health improvement. now on the flip side, don’t isolate yourself!!! let your loved ones in, and let them be there especially if they’re healthy to be around and they understand and are trying.

•suicidal thoughts: if you’re feeling this way, i understand...and because i understand i’m not going to make you feel bad about passively feeling this way. these thoughts that creep in are the worst, and they can cycle for hours on end even if you don’t WANT to do this. it’s going to be okay angel, i promise. don’t suffer in silence. and if you actively want to or still passively, please please PLEASE remember. you are important, worthy, and loved beyond measure... my inbox stays open for any and all concerns. love u all

[arthurflecksgirl]

Hello 💖

May I please have Arthur x Reader? They get into a fight and reader is so stressed that they get overheated and ends up passing out? Like their pulse is fast and out cold for a few hours. Thanks chu 💫✨⭐

Hiiiii hun, I missed you! ❤ Of course. Its always a pleasure. Here is the result and I reallyyyyyyy hope you like it.❤

Arthurs hand in yours felt warm and familar. It was the only thing to hold onto in this cold, dark world, especially here in Gotham city. Walking through those crowded streets usually wasnt fun. But today he was by your side. The two of you together. Hand in hand. There was nothing in this world you needed more. Even though it was just a regular day, there was that moment of pure happiness.

You just came back from Arthurs appointment with his new therapist and she seemed so much nicer than Dr Kane. She even allowed you to be present for the whole time, because Arthur was more than nervous about meeting her for the first time. He didnt had  any good experience with his former ones. Arthur wished for someone to listen. Now that he was with you, he always had someone to talk to. But he still wanted to go to therapy, he wanted to get better and he needed to go there,to get his meds.

Arthur was very toughtful with his medication. Sometimes he took one more pill in the hope to find some sleep, but besides that he was trying his best to take his meds like he should. He knew it was important to talk about his thoughts and he felt the need to do so.

The new doctor seemed nice and asked him to start a brand new journal. She thought it was time to let the old diary go. It was nothing more but bad memories of loneliness and with you on his side, his lonely times were finally over .  Arthur smiled when Dr. Tyler told him so. He liked the idea of a new journal. So you both went into the city to get him a new one.

Arthur sqeezed your hand while he held his new diary with the other. It was dark red, his fave color. "I`ve got lots and lots of blank pages now" he said.

"Yes, I bet they will be filled with some new jokes tonight?" you blinked at him, which almost made him blush. It was so easy to make him blush. He was so innocent at heart.

"Nahh I think I will write some poetry tonight, especially for you."

"Oh Artie, you`re the sweetest"

"Dont say that before you read the poems" he laughed.

"I know they`re going to be beautiful"

He pressed his new diary to his chest "I dont know....sometimes I think I`m not good with words. I mean, besides from joking. Its hard to put my feelings into words. Especially love. I mean. I feel it. I feel so much of it. Too much actually. Its so much it feels like the words and letters are too tiney to fit all these emotions in them because the emotions are like....endless... and....." he looked at you and  noticed the grin on your face "See? Thats what I mean. I am not good in this. At all."

"It was actually pretty impressive".

A shy smile crossed his thin lips "Thank you, honey".

You felt happy for him. Arthur appriciated the little things in life. Like holding hands or a brand new journal. A poem.

Life in Gotham was often overwhelming but hand in hand you both created your own little world. You made the universe as small as you wanted to.

You just crossed the street as you noticed a very small man being kicked by a puff looking dude. Arthur immediately noticed. He knew these kinda situations too well.

"Arthur look, what is happening over there?"

He let go of your hand and ran up to them "Oh my god, thats Gary!"

He was a fast runner and it was almost impossible to be as fast as he. The traffic got in the way  and for a second he was out of sight.

"Arthur?!"

He waved for you to come over.

He was kneeing down at Garys "Gary, my god, are you okay? Did he hurt you?" His workmate tried to get up "Its okay Art, I think I`m fine. Maybe a broken a bone or two".

"You are joking right?" Arthur seemed confused. Sometimes he couldnt tell if someone made a joke or not.

"His bones are not the only ones getting broken today" the muscular guy laughed.

"Excuse me, what?" Arthur got up but not before making sure Gary was able to walk.

"You heard me, you clown. Thats what you both are, right? Fucking clowns. I saw you working for HaHas."

Arthur took a step closer "So what?"

You took his hand "Arthur , I think we should go home right now"

Gary was standing right next to you, holding his arm, a painful look on his face.

Arthur focused the stranger "No. I mean, my friend was just attacked by this guy and I really want to know why".

A cruel smile formed on the attackers face "Because I felt like it, clown boy. I mean look at this freak" he pointed at Gary.

There was something in Arthurs eyes you havent seen before "Dont ever call him a freak again. He is my  friend!"

"Awwwww" the tall guy yelled "Sweet" and just as he said so, he punshed Artthur in the face. Bloods of drop dripped down his nose.

"Ohhh clwon boy got a red nose. How tragic!"

Your touched Arthurs cheek "Oh my god, are you okay? Baby?"

The attacker couldnt stop laughing "Baby! Hahaha. Yeah . Thats what he is" and his fist punshed Arthur right into the stomach. Arthur fell down on his knees, bending forward from pain. Gary whimpering in the background. This was all too much.

Arthur pulled his gun.

The stranger took two steps back "Calm down, pal."

"Leave now or you will see what clown boy can do" Arthur coughed while the blood was running down his nose.

"Arthur, don`t. He`s not worth it" Gary cried behind you.

You almost forgot how crowded this street was. But no one seemed to notice. No one ever seemed to care here in Gotham city.

The attacker turned around and ran away. Arthurs gun disappeared in his pocket.

Watching him pulling out his gun was too much for you.  You almost thought he would do something.

"Arthur you almost...." you felt the heat floathing your body. It was uncomfortable.

"No, I didnt. I only wanted to scare him. Its not even loaded."

His words should have camled you down but it was already to late for that. Your pulse was racing from stress. And the moment Arthur took you in his arms , your vision started to blurr.

The next thing you remembered was waking up on Arthurs couch. His huge, green blanket covering your whole body.

Arthurs curls tickeling your nose. The familiar smell of Prell shampoo and his cigarettes.

You were home.

How did you got here?

You tried to recall what happened.

Gary.

There was an attacker and Arthur got into a fight with him.

You tried to remember more but everything seemed like a dream you forgot the minute you woke up.

"Darling?" you said with a sleepy voice while you felt Arthurs arms tight around your body.

"I`m here, Y/N. I`m right here. You are home. Everything is okay."

"I cant remember...what happened....is Gary okay,too?"

"He is" Arthur whispered into your ear. You now noticed that quiet music was playing in the background.

He kissed into your hair "He got away with some scratches."

You turned your head to face him "You`re nose is hurt" you kissed the tip of his nose.

"Thats....nothing. I`ll be fine. The most important thing is how you feel. You passed out. "

"Ohh....thats why I cant remember anything...this happenes when I get stressed out".

Arthur stroke your hair "I`m so sorry, its my fault.I should`t have pulled out that fucking gun".

"You only wanted to protect Gary "

"Yeah...."

"Dont blame yourself,Arthur. " you rested your head on his chest "I cant even remember you bringing me home. "

"I carried you all the way home. You coudln`t walk."

"Oh my god..."

He pulled you even closer "Tell me if there is anything I can do...."

"Just hold me....and could you....could you please kiss my neck until I fall back to sleep? I feel like I need some rest...After I fell asleep you could start the first page of your journal and tomorrow you can show me the poems you wrote? That would be nice."

"Of course darling" Arthur placed his smirk right on the spot he knew so well, placing one kiss after another, one as gentle as the other.

You thought about the unwritten poetry and what he might write for you.

But for now his lips on your skin was the most beautiful poem ever written.

[pbandjesse]

I dont feel so great right now. Belly hurts. But today wasnt a bad day. Just kind of emotionally draining. 

I did not sleep well. I woke up because I had a terrible nightmare. But I was so exhausted and upset I got up to go get a hug from James and then went back to bed for an hour. It wasnt the best way to start the day. 

But when I got up for real James made crepes. And I was okay. I got dressed and felt cute.

Last night I had gotten my new glossier box and they accidentally sent me someone elses order, along with my own. So I emailed them and they said I could keep it. So I got to try some products I hadnt gotten before. Their mascara is really nice! Light. And the cloud paint blush is really natural and I like it a lot. Nice little present from the universe. 

We headed out a little before 10 to go to REI to pick up my new shoes. It was a nice drive out. A really pretty day today. We got out there and I followed the instructions and then my shoes were in the trunk and off to the grocery store we went. I wouldnt open the box until after we got food and they are awesome. They are not slip ons, the photo was deceiving. But they are perfect for camp beyond that. I ordered elastic laces so I can make them into slip ons but in the meantime they are great and I am excited about them. Also they are very comfy. 

But before that we went over to the grocery store. It was the first time weve shopped together in a long time. It was nice to do it together. We got almost everything we wanted. It was a nice time. 

An old man, a vietnam vet, called me a "painted lady". And we had some good banter. We ended up behind him in line and he was struggling with the machine but I was enjoying him. He had great silly old man cometary. Didnt love when he said they should have just bombed the vietcong but you cant win them all, and we lost Vietnam so you know?

We started to head home. And we were like 2 exits from home when traffic came to a standstill. We thought maybe it was protests but it ended up being a fatal car accident. 

We were stuck on the highway for about an hour and a half. Thankfully we had drinks and a charger. We listened to podcasts and tried not to stress to much. I was more stressed because I had my intake for therapy today and I didnt want to miss it.  I was also annoyed that the cops were doing their job and trying to direct people to turn around to go back to the other exit. Like it was ridiculous. Finally James just said fuck it and we drove the wrong way down the highway. We made it off the highway though and had a lot of traffic from people having to avoid 83. But we made it home a little before noon. 

We put things away. I tried on my new shoes. I had a snack. And I got ready for my virtual appointment .James left to go on a bike ride so I could be alone. And then I just waited. 

The doctor was a couple minutes late but we made it up on the other end. It was kind of nice to just run through my history with her. Her name is Rachel and she was very kind. I had to keep myself from like. Blabbing to much because this was just intake. But it was good. She didnt have a for sure appointment for me until the end of july but I am also on the waitlist so well see what happens I suppose. Im trying at least. 

Once I was done with that I felt pretty drained. James was home. I went and bothered him. We did a little cleaning. I cleaned the fish tank a bit. We had a late lunch. James made me hardboiled eggs for my salad. He had never hardboiled an egg before. They came out good! 

I took a half hearted nap where I most just scrolled on my phone. And then we ordered sushi and dumplings for dinner. 

They came around 7. It was a really nice dinner. We watched some videos together. And then he had a video game meet up with his friends. Im glad he has that with his buddies. 

I spent the next hour texting with Jess while I sorted through my stored makeup. I have realized that I dont want most of it. I just want to pair it all down. Get rid of the old stuff that smells. And while it feels way to wasteful to throw it away today, I did put it all in a bag and now I only have my daily makeup, a couple back ups, and then like fancy stuff for fancy days. And glitter. Felt good to sort. And now Im washing all the makeup brushes Im keeping. And hanging out with sweetP. Listening to James yelling about video games from the other room. 

Im going to go finish cleaning my brushes. I hope you guys have a good night. And a good day tomorrow. Be safe. 

[ditto]

wi rehab week 3 review: the Week™. i KNOW this post is long but god please read about my misfortune if yall want a Saga

current status on raccoons: clement

number of monster energy drinks consumed: 2

number of buns directly killed: 1

Days Since Last Diarrhead on: 1

Baby Raccoon Count: 150ish? probably 130 that need to be bottle fed 

new tasks performed:

baby opossum cage maintenance

baby waterfowl cage maintenance

SQ fluid administration on raccoons

SQ vaccine administration on raccoons

What To Do When Your Tire Goes Flat 101

oral medication administration on possums

CHRONOLOGICAL TALE OF MISFORTUNE: i’m not going to do this regularly but the sheer amount of bad shit that happened this week was COMICAL so let me break down everything that happened to me this work week

MONDAY 6/8

got diarrhead on during 6am raccoon feeding

straight up killed a baby rabbit during bun feeding. they stress real easily and i’m bad at tubing so i had him out for a while and he just fuckin. died. from stress. in my hands. directly because of me being bad at my job. so you know that was uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

shovelled out wet dirty woodchips out of a walk-in enclosure with like 8 goslings using a snowshovel w/ another baby intern. you can’t put a ton of woodchips into one trash bag so we had to keep changing out the trash bag and it was like 92 degrees out and we were both wearing cloth masks and on god i really thought we were gonna die in there

during the pm feeding i get peed on by the EXACT SAME RACCOON that diarrhead on me during the am feeding 

TUESDAY 6/9: the Day(tm)

i have a therapy appointment scheduled at 2pm. my shift is 6am-2pm. i’ll need to leave at 1:30pm to get to it. i tell my supervisors this. it’s chill. i still feel bad about it, because i have anxiety.

right off the bat, i get scolded by my Actual Boss for doing something i watched one of the supervising interns do 

6am raccoon feeding: get diarrhead on again. 

a rac RIPS the fucking nipple off of the baby bottle we’re feeding them with and formula gets fucking everywhere. i say out loud at this moment “IM HAVING A GREAT WEEK”. one of my supervising interns feels bad for me and keeps trying to cheer me up throughout the day. she does make me feel better.

i get dishes which is fine bc i dont mind dishes for real but my hands turn into sandpaper the day after doing dishes for 2 hours so this is more :| than :/. i make jokes about how bad my week is going. the mood is, generally, looking up.

next raccoon feeding is scheduled for noon. raccoons are housed in a separate building, so it’s about a 5 minute drive to get there from the main area. we get ready to leave around 1pm. recap: i need to leave at 1:30pm for a therapy appointment. i’m planning on driving my own car down there so i can do this. it’s chill.

on my way down there, i start hearing the most godawful screeching of metal. i am, quote, “like uhhh.” when i open the gate to turn onto the highway, i stick my head out the window to look

my tire is flat.

i have a flat tire.

my fucking tire is FLAT dude.

>mfw

>

>

pull over after gate

tell the staff member following me “hey i have a flat tire so im probably not going to make it down to feed today” and shes like flkdjsalfksd okay

call the ONE supervising intern whose number i have, who is the one who heard me say IM HAVING A GREAT WEEK, like GUESS WHICH BITCH HAS A FLAT TIRE LMFAOOOOOOO. just making that one call was the funniest fucking thing that’s ever happened in my entire life

to quote her verbatim: “i guess you are having a bad week”

call my dad, who as it turns out was actively teaching a class when i called, so i am well and truly facked and am DEFINITELY not making this therapy appointment

ok. take a deep breath. check my car. i have a donut in my car. i have not changed a tire in three years, and have never changed one in the scenario of I Have A Flat Tire. fack. relay this to the one supervising intern whos number i know (i’m going to call her supervising intern 1 going forward here). ask her if anyone knows how to change a tire. 

supervising intern 1 calls back. apparently there’s a guy who lives on the same property we’re on named donnie. donnie is a maintenance worker who helps out a lot around the rehab place. donnie can help me change my tire. apparently someone currently down feeding raccoons is going to come pick me up and bring me over there so i can continue to feed raccoons until donnie can fix my tire. 

get call from supervising intern 2, whose number i did not have, apparently it got relayed. i ask her if anyone down there can change a tire. she says she can change a tire. she will help me change my tire she finishes on raccoon feeding. ok sounds good. someone is still going to come pick me up.

get call back 10 minutes later. apparently donnie is in the middle of a field right now and it is unlikely that he can fix my tire. someone is still going to come get me to feed raccoons, maybe. i tell her supervising intern 2 can help me change my tire after we finish our shift. she says thats fine. ok cool sick.

try to call therapist. i have no signal. send email which is, verbatim: “Hey! I'm currently on the the side of of the the road in [TOWN 30 MILES AWAY] with a flat tire, so I'm not going to make our appointment today. If we could reschedule for sometime soon, that would be great.” signal is bad, so this ends up being sent at 3pm.

(ALSO I LEARNED ABOUT THIS TODAY BUT APPARENTLY IN THE TIMELINE THERE’S A FIGHT HERE BETWEEN SUPERVISING INTERNS 1 AND 2 OVER HOW THE SITUATION IS PLAYING OUT WHICH IS EQUAL PARTS HILARIOUS AND “MAKES ME FEEL BAD”)

one of the other baby interns comes to pick me up and bring me down to racs. i walk in like AYYYYYYY and start feeding raccoons.

i get diarrhead on again.

i get diarrhead on again again. 

apparently 3 in one day is a record.

my shift is supposed to end at 2pm. we usually end up staying until 2:15-2:30ish, because that’s usually when the other team gets down here. since supervising intern 2 is currently my savior, she is going to drive me back over when the other team gets here and she leaves. other baby interns leave at 2:15ish, i think. 

the other team is, apparently, running late. they get here at 3pm.

supervising intern 2 drives me back over at 3pm. we get to my car.

the donut is on.

the tire is in the trunk.

apparently donnie was, in fact, able to come change my tire. no one told me this. 

im like ok. this is fine. i tell supervising intern 2 thank u for my life. i leave.

my donut has a 50mph max speed limit. i tell google maps to avoid highways on my way home. this turns my 30 minute drive home into a 50 minute one, and still ends up with me being terrifyingly tailgated by trucks for going 10 miles under the speed limit. i almost, but do not, run out of gas on the way home.

i get home around 4:10pm. i call the auto shop across the street from me and tell them i have a flat tire, but i need the car by 6am tomorrow. do they think they can have it fixed by then. they tell me to bring it over and they’ll let me know.

i bring the car over. i give them my keys. i say thank you and leave.

i realize that my garage door opener is in my car, which is now locked. i have no other way into the house, because our garage door keypad has been broken for 2 years. the sliding glass door in the backyard is locked.

i walk back into the auto shop 5 minutes later and ask in the Polite But Obviously Having A Day tone if i can have my keys back so i can get it. i get my garage door opener out of my car. i give the keys back.

i enter my home. i lay spread-eagled on my bed for one hour.

auto place calls back and tells me they fixed the tire. im like did you replace it or did u fix it. theyre like we fixed it come on over. i almost cry on the phone.

go back over. guy is like “ya u ran over a screw LOL”. gives me my keys back. i wait to pay

after a bit hes like “you dont have to pay anything. this is on the house.”

almost cry

thank him

get car

go home

eat

shower

go to bed at 8pm 

WEDNESDAY (6/10)

everyone at work is immediately like AYYY and in general just very nice about the whole thing. i thank everyone involved for helping. its chill

dont get diarrhead on this feeding but i do get bit for like NO got dam reason what the fack

next up is cleaning juvenile cages and i swear to god i get the nastiest. fucking. raccoon cage i have ever seen in my entire life. there was an...i wanna say eigth-of-an-inch thick layer of raccoon diarrhea across this 2 foot x 4 foot cage

like on GOD the smell was so bad i was gagging through a goddamn cloth mask just. oh my god. i had to just go stand outside and stare into the abyss afterwards for a few minutes it was so NASTY IT WAS SO NASTY

mercifully, i am spared from further misfortune for the rest of the day. i come home. i am so tired.

WAIT I HAVE TO MENTION THAT SUPERVISING INTERN 1 HAD SUCH BAD LUCK FEEDING RABBITS TODAY SO LIKE...my luck is contagious 

notes and observations

anyone who is anti-euthanasia in animal shelters and any other large-scale animal welfare places in general can absolutely suck my dick

most other baby animals will generally have various stages of “baby x”, but opossums look like Adults Except Tiny from a very early age. they have stolen my heart.

birds are poopy little creatures

[transrightsjimin]

ive been busy w mainly makeup and kpop today but i just wanted to share that there are a few potential homes that me nd my friend might be able to get and i RLY want it to be this certain one which is on a good location and roomier than the other place we visited yesterday and tmrw we’re gonna visit another place and god its gonna be so much and my friend is feeling a lot of pressure bc he’s been the one to deal w these appointments etc and i just helped sending in some documents is all, nd i know its bc i had my resit this week so i didnt have time, i feel bad for not having helped much but i dont know shit abt moving and finding houses or what to do, its just so complicated?? i rly hope we find a new home soon bc we gotta be out here before august 1 and might need to request a document from the municipality which can take up to 2 weeks aaaa ok im feeling the stress now! but i gotta go sleep, the appt tomorrow is at 9am and i got therapy after that lmao

[swampgallows]

im feeling like an idiot

im at a loss for words and im feeling dizzy. i want to play wow all night but instead im just going to bed. i dont want it to be tomorrow or another day or anything else.

i have so many cavities. i dont have a job. i need to practice driving more so i can have a job. i need to grow up and i also dont want to. i have nothing to look forward to.

i’ve been crying and then furious and then crying again all day. i am so emotionally exhausted and i feel like the entire universe is out to get me. i feel too vulnerable to be alive. i think i would feel like eating if i got my teeth fixed. some parts are getting very bad. sometimes i feel like my only escape is through death. if i just die. 

i’m glad i had the ability to sign up for therapy while i was feeling good. because while i’m feeling bad like this i feel too vulnerable to say anything and too much of a risk to sign up in the first place. i had a pretty easygoing first appointment with my therapist but i dont want her to get the wrong idea about me. she asked me if i would consider myself depressed and i said that i have depressive episodes, but i’ve never outright identified with a ‘major depression’ kind of diagnosis. i have some fairly good days where i dont feel ‘depressed’ at all. it’s almost like it’s happened to a completely separate person. i’ve written many times before that when i’m not depressed, it’s like a mystery to me how i ever felt so low. and then, times like now, where i wrestled with my brain to not slam myself and my car face first into the darkness and felt murderous with rage and held an xacto knife in my hand, telling myself not to drag it through my tissues, i wonder how i’ll ever be capable of doing anything ever again. 

how will i grow up? how will i keep a job again? how am i going to be of a sound mind? i’ll feel okay for some days, on top of the world, full of energy and brightness, and then something just...happens. i get the smallest bristle in the wrong direction and the floor falls out from under me and i just... plummet. i fall forever and ever. 

i screamed and i cried so much. i wanted to just drive and never stop. i wanted to flat foot the gas and not stop until i hit something. i wanted to stop forever. i was so fucking angry. i had to drive away because i knew if i stayed in my house i would have done something i regretted. but then i walked the tightrope because i felt so much like i was going to do something i regretted in the car. but i made it. it’s a triumph in that respect, that i managed to drive even though i was howling like a fucking banshee in the car, which is a very unsafe way to drive (i made circles in my neighborhood until i felt calm, was going to pull over but i reached a dead end that was pitch black and i didnt want to be idling there), and that i didnt fucking kill myself. there was a point where i was heading toward the canyons, winding up the path, then i heard the thunk of some odwalla smoothie i bought hit the floor because i braked too hard going around a quick bend, and i remembered “i have milk in the car” and went home.

i dont like myself right now. i dont like being unstable like this. 

i’ve never been an angry person and now i feel myself filling with rage sometimes. rage toward myself and other people. i felt those assholes with their piece of shit loose dogs deserved my ire, but i dont like knowing that i can get that angry. i dont consider myself an angry person, or short-tempered. i get frustrated but i think i was more panicked than anything and just feeling the adrenaline comedown as rage. i just kept screaming GET AWAY FROM ME CONTROL YOUR DOG GET YOUR DOG AWAY FROM ME and he was just fucking STANDING there letting that mongrel lunge at my sweet xena, i was becoming fucking feral up in that old bastard’s face. god that fucking pissed me off. i had to swear at him to get him to finally back off and get his dog away. 

i hate that i cant even walk my dog down my own fucking street. everything feels pointless. all i care about in this fucking world is the innocence of my puppydog. i dont have faith or hope in anything else. once blizzcon ends i feel like my life is going to be over. i will have to find a new job doing i dont fucking know what, i thought about welding just because it will make money and seems like somethign i could do and i could use it for sculpture but i really dont give a fucking shit about anything. i dont have a career, i dont have aspirations, i dont have prospects, all i think about all day long is just not being myself, being away somewhere worlds away, and even in my fantasies i just want to lay down and go to sleep in someone’s arms and then never have to wake up. all day long i just think about cutting chunks out of my flesh, about bleeding all over the place, about hitting myself until im black and blue all over and the little pride i feel from the sour-sweet pain of contusions. i just want to beat myself to a pulp, to press and pry at my skin with needles, to smack myself in the head til i cant see straight. all i deserve is pain and all i want to do is just die. 

the only purpose i have right now is making sure xena gets her pills and her walkies. that’s the only reason im not strips of skin on the floor. i dont have any worth other than that.

[nostaligic88]

!I’m not sure why I’m writing this, but I feel like I have the need to do it anyway.

I have my therapy appointment tomorrow, so I want to discuss about what I’ve been through for the past two weeks for preparation. 

I want to start off with what happened today (7/27) because it affected me in a way that made cry:

I came to work ready to do my thing but we all detected Citlalli was off. It doesn’t take words to realize that. Body language is inevitable and shows what the person is feeling. But long story short, Elliot talked to us at the end about what happened. I found out that I hurt Alisha because of my tone or something else. I take full responsibility for that because that it never my intention to throw her off. But i did. But a part of me blames Citllali for starting off bad because she does not allow us to help her out. And that ticked me off because when she gets like that she literally shuts down and work becomes unpleasant and harder. I told her that but she does not apologize at all. Instead she does what she always do, walk away in a bad note with the “fuck it i quit. bye.” that’s just so unprofessional because we will see each other all again on Friday and we just want to get finish our tasks the best way we can. Leaving on a bad note doesn’t allow that for happen. I apologized to Alisha as soon as I felt guilty. She said is okay but is truly not. I just want her forgiveness... but I also forgive myself.

On our way home Elliot and I discussed about our day and other stuff and we went home on a good note. Him and I tend to discuss and talk things out because that’s just the kind of persons we are for some reason. He said interesting things and I take note of them. Things like: I should eventually talk to my mom and my brother. Things like: Im my own person with my own opinions. Things like: He went outta pocket. Things like: He definitely sees that and that has almost everything with the way he treats me with violence. Things like: he has anger problems. 

I got home. I said good night to mother. Then it was just me thinking about Citllali and Alisha....thinking about my family... thinking that I have to face them....eventually. Thinking about why am I in this position....I felt so stressed about it that I cried. Sitting on the couch, resting my head in my hands, letting my tears pour over my cheeks, I surrendered to my feelings. I was asking for help. I found myself asking for Jesus Christ to come help me because I want to keep living. I have a future and I want to be in it so come help my lord and guide me through this turbulence for I know is temporary. I did this because I have faith...for my future ya know?

I was overwhelmed at that moment of surrender. I grabbed my laptop and here I am... typing, writing about my day because I want to go to work on Friday better than I have before. Please Lord I want this. Help me. 

=----------===----------===-------=====-------====0--0-----====

Well that was today... but I want to write about one more thing. I want to write about what happened to me this, Sunday, and Monday, and Tuesday. Just facts. 

Sunday afternoon, I asked if I can ride with Edgar and his friends (nothing new) and he said yes. As I was getting ready, putting on my clothes, grabbing my camera, and all that, Edgar tells me “come but don’t come here with your bad vibe.” I said “what? what do you mean?” I was hurt. “I don’t know” he said. “But thats what angel and charlie told me”

“About what?”

“They said you was mad at them giving them a whole nasty atttiude that day on the garage?”

“Because I was on the phone? thats my garage anyway I can feel whatever I want. In fact, they were the angel was the one giving me a whole attitude as if I cant act all surprise for seeing them in my garage?”

Edgar ignored me and walked away.

I stayed home and I didnt go. I was upset. I was angry. I was hurt. I felt betrayed. I was fed up. Home alone... I wrote a facebook post about it.

I wrote what happened exactly in two paragraphs with the intention of having my brother read it. 

He found out and sent me an very rude and abbrut text message, calling me childish for writing it on facebook. (right but lets not forget your hyprocite ass for writing a whole IG post about Saul xD but thats fine right because is you? no...) I dont feel sorry for chosing the way I express myself because after all I am a writer and you my brother are not a listener. You are not. Because I have SEEN it myself. In fact, you wholly admitted that you thrashed your bike in front of your ex just for “talking heavy” (that is a clear anger problem)

and yet, you demand me to talk to you. No brother. I deserved an apology for disrepecting me.

That was Sunday. 

Monday came and I woke up to Angel confronting me “hey you got a problem with me and edgar? wassup? whats up?” all confrontational and shit. Excuse me? what do you have to do with me and edgar? nothing. so shut the fuck up. yall are exactly alike. impulsive. emotional. act based on emotional state and dont use ur brains. your like little babies. fuck off. get blocked.

This proved to me that Edgar talks shit about me to his little teenage boys. I know thats true and i don’t forget that day you humiliated me infront of them and my boyfriend because I forgot my wallet.

I do not forget that day you demanded money aand interrp[uted my therapy session 

I do not forget thart day you fucked made me and amy whole fmaily sacred as shit because you broke th4e law lost 2000 dollars from my pops and you gegt away wit it!@!!!!!!!!!! AND I SUFFER FROM NYOUR DISRECXPECT. I9M FUCKING DONE!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU1!!!!!!

Let alone how you treated my brother luis over the uber accounts!!!~! I WAS NOT IN FAVOR WITH YOUR BEHAVIOUR BUT YOU ALWAYS GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING. is my family that made you like that but you must be blamed for it too. 

You betrayed me after all that i did for you, You talk shit behind my back because what? i dont pay rent? you claim you’re better than my family but youre a machista for saying that. because youre the breadwinner you entitiled to disrespect your sister=? you might have learned that from my father. but i wont let you do it again to me. 

i have endured phsyucal violance from ym father, my mother, my brother tony. and im tired of being bullied by you. im your sister. love me. respect me. u have a choice. 

Last thing, you disrespected me and my boyfreidn at the same time with that message. How dare you talk to him like that? You don’t even know him. When have you ever found me talk to you girl like that over our own problems? I never because I know respect. Would you like that to happen to you? Tell your girl about our problems? I don’t tjhink so becuase NO ONE DOES. 

How dare you talk to me in most machista tone ever. “Come get your fucking girl” EXCUSE ME? “girl?!” IM YOUR FUCKING SISTER., I HAVE A NAME. I HAVE A SOUL. IM A PERSON WIRTH FEELINGS THE DESERVES TO LIVE WITH DIGNITY,. THATS A BASIC HUMAN RIGHT. HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE IM SOME OBJECT PASSED AROUND FROM ONE PERSON TO THE NEXT. HOW DARE YOU TALK LIKE THAT ABOUT YOUR SISTER TO HER BOUYFRIEND. YOU WENT OUTTA POCKET. WHAT DO YOU GAIN FROM THATT!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I’m done taking your beatings. I’m done. I’m fucking done. ITS TIME FOR ME TO SET MY BOUNDARIES. IS TIME FOR ME TO SHOW YOU WHEN AND WHERE YOU CROSS THE LINE. IS TIME FOR ME TO START DEFENDING MYSLEF AND SAY NO1!!! 1!!!Q!

In the end, “I’m thankful. Because now I know what I must do”.

[raemots]

14 February 2020

Well well well look who’s back at her tumblr diary. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing because the last time I started this diary was when I was 21, about to go through a pretty serious break up, starting to get out of a pretty serious depression, going through a solid 7 months of being a glorified alcoholic, and then graduating college. You could say there was a lot going on.

First off, I just read my previous most from nearly FIVE YEARS AGO!!! And the frightening thing was.... not a lot has changed. I still kinda feel the same way it sounds like I did in that post. A lot of my friends here in Syracuse are also really busy and have a lot going on and are too busy for me. I don’t really feel as bad about it now as I used to be because we’re all adults now going through adult stuff and it’s hard to make time for people.

I should do a little summary as it’s been a minute. So since I last posted on here, I graduated college (!!!) and then started studying for the CPA exam for the better part of 2 years but I finally got it done. Brodie and I got an apartment together and spent a year there having a FUCKING BLAST until he unfortunately lost his job in Cuse and moved down to DC. After B left, our friend Tristan took over his lease which ended up being fate or destiny or whatever because he ended up meeting my friend Liz from HS and those two crazy kids hit it off and almost 3 years later they’re engaged!! Life man. About 1 year and a half after Tristan moved in, we both moved out of the legendary apartment 4K to get our own places. Since then I’ve had a cute little studio apartment downtown. I also ended up getting a cat who I found in the parking garage across the street from my place. I started my job at a local accounting firm the December after graduating college and have now been with them for over 4 years and I still love it. The work is tiring and never ending but the people keep me going. My bosses continue to be awesome badass women and I really like it.

As for love life, boys have come and gone. There was a run in with Brian #1 that ended up with me finding out he had a girlfriend after we slept together and me pouring a drink on his head in a public place. Its probably the most bad ass thing I’ve done. There was also Brian #2 who I think was the closest I’ve come to actually dating someone and I’ve blocked a lot of that out of my memory because he basically ghosted me to get back with his ex and then 6 months later I found out he gave me chlamydia. I’m just starting to realize that both of those guys have left me with some trust issues that I’m trying to get over. There’s been hook ups here and there but those are the main two to know about. Stay away from brians.

Well my dear ex mike and I did stay friends for a while until he met his new fiance K (I dont want to include her name here as I dont know her and have nothing against her). Mike basically stopped talking to me after he and K started dating. Then I Iowkey crashed Johanna’s wedding with Terry (Terry and Jo got married btw!!!!!) where Mike was forced to say I couldnt crash with him and Mike and keenan bc MIKE AND K ARE ENGAGED!!!! which is the story of how johannah had to deal with mike and my 5 year old relationship baggage the night before her wedding. But the weekend made me realize how fucking condescending Mike can be. So I made it so he doesnt show up in my social media feed and its been a lot better for me but still messed me up a bit.

Other random highlights are going to france with geneseo alumni (fucking AWESOME!!! and WES WAS THERE!!!) oh and I went to ireland the summer after graduation!!! again!! fucking awesome!!

Well that p much gets us to today. Today is valentines day. Well technically there’s 13 minutes left. I go through phases where I feel perfectly content with my life. I like living by myself, just me and bean. living downtown and going out to grab drinks with friends. the occasional late summer night where you close the bars and grab pizza and stay at a friends apartment until 4am.  Then there are times where I just feel so dreadfully alone. I feel like the only people who understand me live hours away (brodie, erin, jen, amanda). journal, I’m going to six weddings next year. S I X. and 5 of them are people my age. I never expected to marry thing young, let alone meet ~the one~ but when this many of your friends are either dating or engaged or living together, you start to feel like there;s something wrong with you. celeste often gives me shit for lamenting about how single i am and puts herself in the same boat. But she had guys FALLING OVERTHEMSELVES for her. like i just thought of 4 or 5 in the brief 10 seconds i sat here. Even n**l is so obsessed with her that he ruined their friendship bc she kissed a random guy on NYE (full disclosure, he’s trash and sexist and we dont like him this isnt me being jealous) it is just me pointing out that she tends to always be the one being pursued. and I am the faithful hype man. giving her advice on what to say to them. If her outfit looks good. if she should go over. Celeste does all the same help for me, don;t get me wrong. but it usually ends up working out for her and she’ll get a date or two out of it. i rarely even get a text back. It really put it into perspective when she was livid that a guy wouldnt respond to her in a timely manner. Meanwhile Im here like “wait.... you get texts back?? regularly?!?!?!?! jesus fuckign christ whats THAT like”

Am i that much of a sadsack, journal? brodie says its because im very independent and strong and i give off this “i dont fuckin need you” vibe. which is cool if im lucy liu or angelina jolie however i do not look like the sex symbols that are those iconic women. don’t get me wrong, i have a lovely figure, especially after going to the gym. But I just don’t really think many/any men would see me as so hot that they’d talk to me despite being intimidating. Idk, maybe I’m feeling too sorry fro myself. Jesus it’s 20 fucking 20 and I’m still feeling lesser than and comparing myself to Celeste. It’s not just her, I’ve always felt iike the sidekick. alexis, andrea, mollie, tori, celeste, jen. They were always the pretty, likeable, charismatic one. I’ve always felt like the funny friend who hypes up the main characters storyline. I’m the Judy fucking Greer of life. 

I just need to commit and make a therapy appointment. I’ll email one tomorrow. It’s been my main 2020 goal and fuckin A im gonna make it happen. its been a long one but a good one. hey it just turned midnight, its no longer valentines day. thank fuckin god.

[beardedwinnerobject-blog]

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It was dark and raining. I just came off the bay bridge in SF and am positive I was driving below 40 on the bridge and between 40-60 when I got off the bridge. The cop was on 80E past fremont exit. He said I was at 67 in a 50 zone and also did not give me enough time to look for my proof of insurance. He said lets make this easy and quick and cited me for speeding and the no proof of insurance as non-correctable. It this accurate? I don't think his radar reading is accurate. How can I challenge this?

Car Insurance???????????????????

I am going to be 17 years old in April and I want to get my license. I was just wondering how much my insurance would be. I am a male and I live in New York, more specifically my zip code is 11040. I am a good student (3.5 gpa) and I have taken drivers ed. With these discounts how much do you think my car insurance would be with State Farm (my parents have state farm? And the car i am going to insure is a 2009 Honda Civic (blue). Can i have a specific number range?""

What is the best and most affordable auto insurance?

I am paying $3,099 for 2 cars.They said it is high because my 19 year old daughter is listed as a occasional driver and it's her age.My husband and I have a clean record and we ...show more""

I need car insurance.?

!9 years old with a DWAI. Car needs collision. where do I get car insurance.

kentucky insurance practice exam

kentucky insurance practice exam

""Dems, why don't you believe you'll be fined or jailed if you don't buy health insurance?""

With few exceptions, everyone would be required to buy health insurance. Each adult without it would pay an annual penalty, set at $200 in 2014; $400 in 2015; $600 in 2016; and $750 in 2017. http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2009-10-12-healthcare_N.htm That's Obamacare in a nutshell dems. Buy health insurance or else! LOL, how's that hopey changey stuff working out for you dems? You're going to be FORCED to buy health insurance now from Obama's Wall Street buddies.""

How do I find an affordable individual health insurance plan that includes maternity coverage?

I'm going to pull my hair out! Maybe I should perch atop a clock-tower until someone provides me coverage? Seriously, I have spoken to half a dozen insurance people and the best ...show more""

Whats high mileage for an Infiniti G35?

I'm considering purchasing an infiniti g35. I'm looking at the 2004 and 2005 g35's and the ones in my price range typically range from 60-70k miles. Is this high mileage for an infiniti? How long do these cars last on average? Also I'm 20 years old; would this car have high insurance costs? Thank you!

Insurance costs for a teen in a mustang?

Hey there. I will be 16 soon, and I already have a car though, but not registered or applied for insurance or anything. Anyway, the car is a 1978 ford mustang, cherry red inside and out. I have driven a lot on roads and I'm confident about not wrecking it. I'm not one of those bad *** jocks you show off with their car, I just happen to have a mustang. anyway, anyone estimate the monthly insurance, we are with geico.""

It is better to get my insurance or let my fathers insurance go up?

i got a speeding ticket and got traffic school from the court,the problem is my car and insurance is register under my fathers name so i cant take the test without an insurance in my name i am 17 yrs,so is it cheaper to get an insurance in my name at 17 or pay the ticket and cancel the scheduled court date for the traffic school (if possible) and let my fathers insurance go up about 10-15%?""

Car insurance amount?

How much valid car insurance do you need to get a new vehichle tax disk?

""Live with father, father borrowed and wrecked my car. He's not on my insurance.?""

Will I still be able to make a claim if I have my own insurance, he's not on my insurance, and we live together. I know there is some sort of household rule, but is that just for having kids? What if he's my dad? Will I still be able to make a claim if we live in the same household, and he's not on my insurance? I'm 21, own the car myself, and the insurance myself, basically renting a room but can't prove it. He's only insured with his business car.""

Does having big bore kit affect the insurance cost?

Im looking at buying a vespa scooter registered as a 50cc, im 16 years old, and was wondering because it has a 110cc big bore kit fitted on it how this would effect the insurance cost? Thanks for any help.""

How much does auto insurance cost per month?

For a couple under 25 yrs of age With a Ford350 and a Mazda cx9

""If my car was severely keyed, and i want insurance to pay for some of it, will my geico insurance rate go up?""

psycho ex bf keyed every single panel of my jeep, including F^&* you and cya boo and a couple of X s. fml. there's no way in hell i can pay for it on my own but it is so embarassing. if i try to get insurance to pay for it, will my rate go up?""

How much could I expect to pay for motorcycle insurance?

I am going to take motorcycle lessons, and once I obtain my license, I plan on buying a new Kawasaki Ninja 250R. Either a 2009 or 2008 model (cost is 4000 or 3500 dollars, respectively). I am 19 years old, and have a car, which I am the primary driver of, which cost a little bit over $20k. Insurance is a little under $3000n annually. I have heard that this might reduce my motorcycle insurance costs (if I get it with the same company?), but I am not sure. I have never been any type of accident, or speeding or any involvement with the police. Only one parking ticket for my entire time of driving (since 2008 July). And I live in Massachusetts. Any type of idea of the cost would greatly help, before I commit myself to the lessons and purchases and the costs. Thanks!""

Would the insurance for a 2004 or 2006 Ford Mustang V6 or V8 be affordable for a 16 year old male?

Would the insurance for a 2004 or 2006 Ford Mustang V6 or V8 be affordable for a 16 year old male?

Speeding ticket in california?

i got my first speeding ticket i was going 55 on a 45 how much would that cost me? and also it wasnt my car it was my parents car but i dont live with them so will there insurance go up???

Does a veterinarian get life insuranced?

does a veterinarian get health insurance?

What is the best UK car insurance for me to get?

Ok, i'm a little confused here. Basically my insurance expires in a few days and i'm coming up to 4 years no claims. I've never protected these claims (obviously as you cannot protect less than four years) and on my renewal i've come to a dilemma; 1) I have got a fairly cheap quote which includes courtesy car, legal cover and windscreen cover (this is cheaper offer but doesn't offer protected no claims). or 2) courtesy car, protected no claims and windscreen cover (this is a little more expensive but doesn't have legal cover). Now my question is (since I don't know much about car insurance, i just know its a law), how important is legal cover? i'm assuming its very important but for the last four years i've never had any claims or been in any accidents, and i really want to start protecting my claims since my car is kind of old now and i'm worried about losing the last 4 years, any tips or advice? oh this is on comprehensive by the way. Thanks in advance to anyone that can help.""

What is the best car for a teen to buy that has to pay insurence?

I want to get a 2005 Mustang V6 and have it under my parents name because I have to pay Car INSURANCE. Also What is the gas mileage like? PLease respond back to me ASAP Thank you

Can you find a insurance quote for a car ie rover 45 on a y registered plate?

please find list of car insurance firms

How much is moped insurance?

getting a scooter , how much will my insurance be?""

How much is car insurance for a 17 year old female?

how much is car insurance per month or year? i have a 1995 model volvo. how much would it be when im 18? i had my license since i was 16 1/2.

Lending your car to somebody - insurance issues?

This is for Ontario drivers in specific, however any information is appreciated. Basically, what are the legalities of lending your car to somebody (just for a day)? What happens if they get in an accident? Does your insurance cover it? Would your rates go up? Thanks!!""

I'm shopping for health insurance. And I'm confused.?

I had health insurance until recently when my employer took it away. I have some questions : a $2,500.00 deductible....does that mean I have to pay $2,500.00 of my bills before the insurance kicks in? What does 80/20 mean? I *thought * it was illegal to be turned down for insurance for pre-existing conditions, but some of the policies I have looked at say pre-existing conditions will not be covered.""

How To Get The Insurance Brokers Licensec?

How to get the insurance brokers licensec? Is anyone could give me website?

Which car do you think has higher insurance?

For my first car i want either a Subaru Impreza rs 2001(gc8) or a Toyota Corolla 2007 CE. The Toyota will be new. Which one do you think will have cheaper insurance?

Insurance for GSX-R600 does make and CCs matter?

Say if you had a 750 would it drasically spike the insurance as if you would have bought a 600 instead? What are all the factors that insurance companies go through to give you a quote? What questions are asked? If you could answer this too it would be great :) Make/model of bike: Age: CCs: YO experience: Thank you!

Insurance.. Buy out a car or pay monthly payments?

I know it depends on the cars but say I bought out a car for 6-8k or I payed monthly payments for a 13k car, put 2k down. How much more would it cost for insurance instead of buying out a car?""

kentucky insurance practice exam

kentucky insurance practice exam

Where would be the cheapest place for insurance??????

ive recnetly turned 18 and i want to get a suzuki jimny soft top where is the best place

""On, average what would a classic mini's insurance cost be.?""

In the UK for a first time, 18 year old driver, car would be left on a drive in a low crime area""

How do i find affordable insurance?

I lost my job last year and had to get medicaid for health insurance because I am a single mother of one. I have since gotten my license in the beauty industry and have just started a new job. The problem is that they do not offer health benefits (I think it has something to do with them being a franchise). And I know that I will have to go through re-determination in November for the medicaid and because I am employed will be denied. So, what exactly are my options, especially now that things are going to change. Any help would be appreciated.""

Is there any way of avoiding finance charges on monthly motor insurance ?

Like everyone, I'm strapped for cash and the other half's credit cards are maxxed out. In fact I'm so considered so bad for credit now even a loan shark wouldn't touch me with a bargepole despite having a job and being a discharged bankrupt - however my car insurance is due. Is there any way around the extra charges ? My renewal quote was 258 if payed in one lump, yet searching for monthly payments my cheapest payback is 366 over 12 months. Not that I'd ever accuse the banks of ripping us off. Any idea's ??""

How much insurance money do you think i can get?

Seven weeks ago i got into a very bad car accident on the freeway. I'm 15 and was NOT driving. my 19 year old friend was driving. from the accident i was rushed to the hospital with a broken arm. my left arm was very badly cracked and they said in a week they will hit it into place then put it in a cast. so, a week later i went into surgery and there was complications and my arm snapped in half and so they cut open my arm and put in a 5 inch titanium plate and 7 pins. i just got my cast off after 4 weeks. my arm is in pain all the time. and i cant do much. how much money do u think i could recieve?""

How much would car insurance be for a 17 year old?? please answer?

im a male, 17 years old, recently got my g2 license, i bought a used 2000 toyota celica gt-s. how much approximatly would my car insurance be? thanks""

DUI and Car Insurance???

What is the cheapest car insurance out there to get for someone who has a DUI and a speeding ticket within the last 3 years?

Car insurance for 16 year old?

I am 16. Live in Miami, Florida. Drive a Toyota Corolla 1992. I want the insurance that I'll only be paying to cover the repairs of the other car if i get into an accident and not mine. About how much do you think the insurance will cost me? Oh and I plan to pay for the full year in one full payment and not monthly.""

""Minor car crash, no insurance?""

So I got into a minor car crash, I believe my insurance expired. I only have a few scratches on my car, but for the other driver her side view mirror broke. I was wondering just to pay out of pocket because side view mirror repair isnt that much and she probably has a few scatches on her car as well, and going through all the hassle is to much time and work. She wanted to exchange insurance info but wasnt able to provide because I wasn't sure if I was insured or not. What to do? My first car accident! :(""

Cheapest insurance for vauxhall corsa?

i brought one of those old cheap vauxhall corsa 1.2 L. for first car. anyone know where i can find cheap insurance? i tried all the comparisons sites, but there giving me stupid prices over 2500. the car is a old banger and its not gona cost no more then 300 to fix. am 24 years old.""

How good is Delta Dental Insurance and is it worth it?

My mom is out of work and needs to have some dental work done. I was thinking to get her a Delta Dental Insurance in the hopes that it will help her. If you currently have this insurance or had it in the past, could you please tell me if it's worth it. Thanks.""

Where can I find an affordable Orthodontist in Seattle/Kirkland/Woodinville area?

Where can I find an affordable Orthodontist in Seattle/Kirkland/Woodinville area?

Help me with car insurance quotes?

Ive been doing quite alot of online quotes with comparison websites lately and I have noticed some of the insurers with the cheapest prices have disappeared... is this because I have done this loads of times? Or am I blacklisted. Im just worried as my insurance this year was 2300 and I will not be able to afford that again! It is only this high due the age of being 19. And also I have tried to go onto elepahant, admiral and even diamond to do quotes on there websites but i got a message appear saying I had to ring them as they were unable to do a quote for me online""

Maturnity insurance?

do anyone know of any insurance that cover maturnity that will not cost an arm and a leg. my husband had good insurance and they had a lay off and friday is out last day with that insurance so does anyone know of any insurance for maturnity coverage that would be a great help.

Which company offers the best medicare qualified health and prescription drug insurance in California?

I'm trying to find the best and most affordable medicare covered health and prescription insurance option for an elderly person who receives less than 24,000.00 annually from Social Security and one pension, who lives near Sacramento, California. This person has been using HealthNet for doctor and specialist visits and it is a policy which includes a prescription drug plan. By Jan 1, 2010 HealthNet no longer will offer this policy in the Sacramento, CA area. This person uses one prescription medication daily and the total retail price for that drug is approx. 100.00 monthly and under the expiring HealthNet plan the drug costs this person only 40.00 per month..""

""What is the best cheap, reliable car insurance and why?""

So I'm buying car insurance by myself for the first time and need to know what you feel is the best cheap car insurance and why? And in case anyone feels like being a smart butt, yes I do mean in America lol.""

Im a new motorcycle rider and I was wondering which insurance is the best but cheap?

Im 24 yrs old, I was thinking of Progressive insurance? Is there anything that I can do to make my insurance lower?""

How to get my baby insurance?

I will be under my moms insurance and I will be giving birth in a few months. How do I get my baby insurance? He can't be on my moms also can he?

Cheap full coverage auto insurance?

Would it be cheaper to put I rent my home or just other on my insurance for my vehicle.

""Where can I find an AFFORDABLE health insurance in Dallas, TX?""

to cover my family; me, wife, 3 kids. without too much deductions. I only know Unicare and BlueCross offers lower rates, but wanted to see if you guys can find something lower than Unicare and BlueCross. Can I apply health insurance internationally like Canada or should I wait until Democrat president to setup an special health insurance plan (I forgot what its called)? Thanks!""

Can I claim my car insurance back? It was cancelled after my car was written off & I couldn't afford another.?

My car insurance company cancelled my insurance because I did not buy another car. I could not get another as I'm still waiting for my excess to be paid out. I had paid 4 months of my annual car insurance so had to pay the remaining balance when they cancelled it. The accident was not my fault. I understand that I have to pay a full year's car insurance but wondered if I could claim for the months which I have not been able to benefit from due to the accident rendering me car-less!

Health Insurance claims in LA?

How long must health insurance claims be kept on file in Louisiana hospitals and healthcare facilities?

Which is the best health care insurance plan & which is the best Indian company to get it?

I'm very particular about Hospital cash insurance.

My parents wont pay for auto insurance!!!?

I passed drivers ed and I am 16. I have been 16 for a while and I want to get my permit. All i have to do is take my test. But my dad says I cannot take the test because he doesnt want to pay for teen driving insurance? What are ways to convince him? He does not want to put me under his car insurance. Also how much is average teen auto insurance? Just all around not depending on car or etc.

17 Year old insurance on 1985 Ford Escort RS Turbo Series 1?

Im 16 years of age soon to be 17 and I am looking for a first car that would be of a classic sort. I hate all the usual Saxo's and Corsa's that all the other kids drive. My dad currently owns a Series 1 RS Turbo and were in the middle of restoring it. I looked into insurance as myself as a named driver and got quotes of 11k and that's way too much. Would the price be cheaper if i put myself as a second driver on my dads insurance? Im in desperate need of answers right now. If not then has anyone got any info on a Mk1 or Mk2 golf or even an Mk1 XR2 Fiesta. If all this classic insurance is too hard then has anyone out there got any ideas on what car I could get that has got cheap insurance, Looks good, Performs great and can be modded great. I don't want answers which involve astra's and clios's. More along the lines of newer better material. Thank you :)""

kentucky insurance practice exam

kentucky insurance practice exam

""Car accident, insurance and no insurance, what happens?""

So I got into a car accident, both cars totalled. I have insurance for the car and the other person does not have insurance, what happens? thanks""

Approximately how much does it cost to bond and insure a sole-proprietorship pressure washing business?

Approximately how much does it cost to bond and insure a sole-proprietorship pressure washing business?

How much is non onwers sr22 insurance in illinois?

I dont have a car and my license has been suspended.

Need cheaper car insurance?

right now im paying 388 with a company called dairyland insurnace. i have points on my license right now. and it is killing me. the car is a 06 dodge stratus. should i raise my deductible? switch to aig insurnace. this is just way too much. the lowest id prefer to go is 300 even. anyone know any good companies or the best way to find cheap insurnace . should i look in the yellow pages and not the net

Insurance Costs on a 3000GT SL?

I'm 18 and am getting my own car for college. I've been driving my dad's VW Jetta III without a license (he drives with me) for about two years now, as he is a frequent commuter and my high school is close to his work. We never bothered to get a license because we'd have to insure me (and I was going to drive with him anyway as a 'learner'). My eye is on my neighbor's 1994 3000GT SL. It's a non-turbo, and in good mechanical condition. But since I technically just started driving with a license (even though I've commuted for two years now), I'm afraid I might get charged by the insurance company like a 16 year old. It's because of this I didn't get the twin-turbo VR-4, as I heard insurance costs more than the car after a couple years. How much can an 18 year old college going kid like me expect to pay with the SL model?""

Insurance companies for high risk driver?

hi, i am 16 and i burrowed my dad's car for a day and got into a left turn accident, the claim was for $5000. the problem was i was not insured and my dad himself had his G2(canadian) licence for less than a year, so now the insurance company we had said that they would not renew the policy. so does that mean that my dad's insurance got cancelled and could anyone reccomend a good insurance company for me to go with.. i live in Scarborough Canada. thanks in advance for help.""

Car Insurance Question?

If i have a fully comp insurance policy in my name, can i drive any car on the road, with no limitations ie. engine size, make, model, and does the car which im hoping to drive need to be insured by someone else, or not, thanks in advance""

Where is the best place to get life insurance quotes?

i am trying to get life insurance quotes but it is so many places to look. could someone give me a good starting point

Auto Insurance Increase?

My family lives in New Mexico and my son is planing on moving to Arizona I want to keep him on my insurance but when he changes his drivers license to the state of Arizona will my insurance go up?

Ford Focus Insurance for a just passed Driver?

How much would insurance cost roughly for a 25yo female who's just past her test?? I haven't yet passed but when i do I want to get a Ford Focus and was wondering how much roughly insurace would cost!

Do auto insurance companies have to look at your driving record?

I have never had a vilolation. My husband has. He had one in 2006 for running a red light and one in 2008 for driving too fast for conditions. Well naturally this has given me higher payments. I was with Liberty Mutual and for liability only (my car isn't worth full coverage) I was paying $124 a month. My husbands pay was cut drastically at work so I was shopping around for cheaper insurance. I called Geico and they offered me liability for $55 a month. She came on and asked if I knew he had two tickets and at the time I didn't because I didn't know my husband in 2006. The lady told me my payments were going to be $144 with them and when I told her no she put me on hold. When she returned she offered me the $55. She read back to me everything I am getting which is a lot more than what I was getting from Liberty Mutual for a lot less price. Is it possible they just dissmissed the report to gain us as customers? I was cooking dinner at the time and my kids started playing loud so all I really heard was cha ching lol.

Wife is pregnant and we have no insurance?

Hi everyone. Just found out last night that the wife's 7 weeks pregnant (yay!) but we don't have health insurance (boo!). I live in California and was told there is something called Medi-Cal (?) that helps people who are low-income and don't have health insurance in their pregnancy needs but I don't know if I qualify. My gross monthly income is $3000. Also, if I don't qualify I heard there is a low cost insurance called AIM? Anybody who's ever had dealings with Medi-cal or AIM your pointers and experience will be muchly appreciated!! Thanks! Excited but scared of becoming a daddy!! AHHHH!!!""

Car rental insurance necessary?

I don't own a car (so I don't have my own car insurance). I am going to a small town in Upstate New York for a couple of days. Do I need to buy the car rental insurance? It is obscenely expensive (usually close to the price of the car itself).

Integra to Mustang: how much will my car insurance go up?

I am currently insured with ING for my acura integra '1992 at $55 a month. I'm 23 years old with a clean driving record and the insurance is one-way (damages to my car in an accident are not covered, but damages to another car/property are covered) and is also protected from theft and attempted theft + vandalism. I am planning on switching to a 95 Mustang. Can I expect a small or significant jump in my insurance premium? I would apply the same coverage. (The car has an alarm system and I put on a steering wheel lock when I leave it parked.)""

Whats the average cost for teenage car insurance?

im going to get my permit soon and i would like to know what the average teen car insurance cost is.

Car Insurance Question?

I am a little under 15 and a half years old and my dad has debated and almost bought a lot of cars for me, from ford f650's to 1965 or higher mustangs and jaguars. but so far we have thought that the car that would be good for my first car would be a 1994 Ford Mustang with a V8 with 30k miles0. which is perfect because that was the year i was born. So my question is that since its a sports car and its V8 about how much would my insurance be when i could start driving by myself?/ insurance for the other kinds of cars/trucks?""

Month to month insurance question?

I am about to sell a 2003 Chev Silverado that hasn't been driven, registered, inspected or insured in several years (I am in Texas, if that helps). I am getting everything up to date as far as inspection plus some repairs that need to be done before completing the sale, so I will need temporary insurance. I have been shopping for just the next month, and have even googled month to month insurance in Texas but keep coming up with insurance companies that only quote a full year. Since I don't currently drive or have any reason for auto insurance, I don't have the option of adding it to an existing policy for a month. I do have an active license so I am eligible to get insurance, but I don't want to pay a huge down payment on the premium and lose it once I cancel after I have handed the truck over in 2 weeks. Are there any companies or websites designed specifically for temporary or month to month insurance? What are the options?""

How much does it cost to insure a first car in the UK?

I don't want a super fast car, just a banger to get me around, I was thinking Ford Ka or a 1960's mini, also if it's used does that effect insurance? And any hidden costs that I should know about? And does having an old car make it cheaper or more expensive to run? Also any hints tips or suggestions would be very welcome, thank you. :)""

I need insurance for my motorcycle thats cheap?

I need insurance for my motorcycle thats cheap?

I want to get certified to sell car insurance?

I do not know too much about insurance, although the person that will be employing me has worked in the car biz for a long time and needs some one to deal with the insurance in his new business. Where can i get certified, does it take long, etc.? Please offer me any info.""

Is there an affordable private insurance provider that will cover prescription medicine so I can go to school?

I have Crohn's disease and I'm attending college in Idaho. I'm currently covered by my parents' insurance, but I'm I will no longer be covered in a year. My college has a reasonably priced insurance plan but it doesn't cover prescription medications. Remicade is considered a prescription drug, which means that the plan won't cover my remicade treatments which cost about $4,000 every eight weeks. I realize I could get a job that has benefits, but I really would like to get a college degree. Is there any way I can go to college and still have the health coverage I need to pay for my prescription medicines?""

Estimate of car insurance for fiat 500c first time driver?

My first car is going to be a fiat 500c thats about 3 years old. I am 18 years old in the UK whats an estimate of price for the insurance for the year?

Full Coverage Insurance for financed vehicles ?

If i get financed for a car, do i have to pay full insurance for that car ? I live in NY. If yes, any idea how much full coverage would be for an 2004 acura tl ?""

Can i freeze my car insurance?

Hi i am from ireland, and i am insured with Quinn insurance, I am 20. I am goin travelling for a few months in February. I am insured under my fathers policy, but he doesnt drive my car as he has his own van. I have to pay nearly 1000 at the end of January to insure my car but i am wondering could i freeze my insurance and pay for it when i get back. During my time away i am also going to try sell the car. so any help please.""

How much does does watercraft rental insurance cost?

I want to start a watercraft rental company, but I want to know how much insurance costs are going to be before I start it. If there are any companys out there who already have a watercraft rental business, or any agents that can answer my question that would be great. I plan on having about 4 or 5 jet ski's, 2 jet boats, 1 ski boat, 2 jon boats, 2 sail boats 1 pontoon boat, and 5 canoes, and 5 kayaks. So if anyone can help with this please let me know, thanks!""

kentucky insurance practice exam

kentucky insurance practice exam

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/nevada-insurance-adjuster-license-andrew-french/"

[jessjem777]

Rachel the fallen Angel

Rachel-Hmm So far i've saved Chloe/Max....Killed Jeffershit what should I do now...GOT IT well time to have some fun with him

Rachel then proceeds to her all seeing machine to play around some more

Satan- So who you Fucking with today Ms Amber

Rachel-God for the last time STOP CALLING ME THAT!!! and yes I am going to Fuck with someone sheesh

Satan- Also don't mention God in here goes both ways...Alright have fun

Rachel-What a prick

Satan- HEARD THAT

Rachel- Okay now where is he at?

Rachel- Ahhh there he is 1 Mr Nathan Prescott time to have some fun with him

Nathan- Fuck me why did I kill Rachel it wasn't my intention at all...WHY DID I listen to that Fucking weirdo perveted prick in Jefferson i'm sooo sorry Rachel I didn't mean to do it I know you'll never forgive me but please

Rachel- Well shit I didn't expect that guess he does have feelings I guess Jeffershit Fucked with him more than I thought this kid needs help badly

Nathan- I know it means shit now but man I wish I could take it back

Rachel-Yea it Fucking doesn't mean shit you cunt but I guess I can forgive you a little bit

Rachel...Hmm I wanna help him but I also wanna fuck with him at the same time....Eh why not both

Rachel then plays around with him by projecting her corpse on his tv with the words "You did this to me...WHY

Nathan-Fuck Fuck FUCK did I just see that? Please tell me I didn't just see that

Rachel- Oh don't worry you did

Nathan- Alright keep cool Nathan you've got this just stop smoking and relax you'll be fine

Rachel- I do feel bad for him buttt i'm having sooo much fun atm to stop

Nathan- Man that was Fucking weird why did I see Rachel's dead body with the writing "You did this to me....WHY" I don't get it

Rachel- That's only the beginning you poor little rich kid shits gonna get a hella of a lot more worse

Nathan- Shit I need to sleep now before more shit gets outta wack

Rachel- Oh you ain't escaping me that easy you prick

Rachel then uses her dreamscape powers to enter Nathan's dreams and Fuck him up even more

Rachel-Hello Nathan long time no see

Nathan- WTF are you doing here you're dead right?

Rachel- Yeah that's right i am dead all because of you and Jeffershit i've already taken care of him sooo i'm here for you

Nathan- Please PLEASE I know I Fucked up i've regretted it ever since just please don't kill me

Rachel- Why shouldn't I kill you give me 1 good reason why I shouldn't

Nathan- I know you wanna kill me which is fair enough I know I Fucked up badly....But I was being used by everyone i've ever known my dad, Jefferson, And who knows who else I always thought I was the good guy but my life has been Fucked

Rachel stares at him blankly

Nathan- Fine fine whatever you can kill me if you want just get it over with already

Rachel- I'm not going to kill you alright Nathan you need help and I know you were used and I want to help you

Nathan- Wha eh wha you're not gonna kill me? You wanna help me?

Rachel- Yeah I ain't killing you i've got Jeffershit burning in hell that's enough satisfaction for me atm

Nathan- Damn hardcore bitch

Rachel- the Cunt deserved it

Nathan- Ain't that the truth

Nathan- So how are you gonna help me specifically

Rachel- You need to help me help you

Nathan- And how am I meant to do that

Rachel- Get yo ass into any kinda therapy you can find try to get yourself a job or anything to keep yo mind off everything Fucking with you atm trust me it helps

Nathan- Alright ALRIGHT I get it i'll go tomorrow to find something

Rachel- Also Fuck off your dad you don't need his negativity in your life whatsoever just hang around with people who make you happy and want the best for you alright

Nathan- Got it I hate his guts my sister is awesome I can talk to her

Rachel- See great start yeah your Sister is a great person to speak to about this shit

Nathan-Yeah she is I miss her soo much but she's in a forest halfway across the world how much help can she be from there

Rachel- It doesn't have to be face-to-face it can be a phonecall an email anything just talk about everything/anything and trust me she'll help

Nathan- Shit girl you're damn Fucking right about everything how could I ever kill you the fact you're giving me a chance to redeem myself is amazing I dont deserve it

Rachel- you're right you don't deserve it but you've got it so make it count get your life back in order and be successful

Nathan- I promise Rachel I shall do everything I can to succeed

Rachel- Good now my job is done here I may drop in from time to time but i'm out for now

Nathan- Thank you Rachel seriously Thank you

Rachel- Just don't Fuck it up catch ya man

Rachel then leaves Nathan's dreams and goes back to her station in Hell and let's Nathan sleep

Next morning

Rachel- Wake up already sheesh you lazy prick "sigh" time for some improvisation

Rachel then starts using her powers to wake him up making loud noises and playing with the light

Nathan- Alright I get the hint i'm up i'm up

Rachel- Finally sheesh been waiting hours you bloody snore loudly as well { Man i gotta stop talking to myself}

Nathan- So today is the day I get my shit in order and take my life back Fuck everyone who's used me i'm being my own man now

Rachel- FINALLY!!! He's being a man not a spoilt little rich kid

Nathan- I HEARD THAT!!!

Rachel- Oops left the mic on my bad

Nathan then has a shower and gets ready for the day getting everything ready to try and find a job or anything

Nathan- Okay time to get my resumais in order

Rachel- Damn this boy is being productive never thought i'd live to see the day.....Oh wait

Nathan- Alright time to see who's hiring please just anyone

Nathan then goes looking around town and finds around 2/3 places hiring people but only 1 took his fancy

Nathan- This place looks alright photography shop I seem about right with everything they need in a worker see how it goes

Rachel- Please accept him please please please

Nathan then goes in for the interview and it all goes well

Interviewer- Thank you for your time Mr Prescott i'll give you a call within a few days

Nathan why thank you sir i'll look forward to it goodbye

Interviewer- Goodbye sir

Rachel- God please let him get accepted....WOW i'm even talking about god meh Fuck that guy

2 Days pass and still no word meanwhile Nathan is trying out new Camera angles and different photography style

Rachel- Man he's reall bloody good this place would be idiotic not to hire him

Then the phone rings

Nathan- Hello sir

Boss- Hello Mr Prescott you came in for an interview a few days ago correct?

Nathan- Indeed I did sir

Boss- Well I have the results here and i'm pleased to inform you that you've been hired you start Monday

Rachel- HELL YESSSSS!!!!!!!!

Nathan oh shit for real? Thank you boss I can't wait to start

Boss- WOW never seen anyone that excited aha all good mate enjoy it

Nathan- I won't let you down boss

Boss- I don't expect you to have a good day see you Monday

Nathan- Catch ya boss

Nathan- HOLY FUCK!!!! I have a job thank you god THANK YOU RACHEL

Rachel- Well I am god so you're welcome Nathan

Monday arrives

Nathan- Holy shit i'm nervous as hell how am I gonna do this

Rachel- Just relax you got this

Nathan- Just breath man...alright let's DO THIS!!!1

Rachel- Damn enthusiasm never seen it on him before

Nathan then enters work gets shown around thevjoint and is ready to start the day

Nathan- I've got this

Rachel- you've got this

Nathan goes through the day without a hitch and his boss is very proud of him

Boss- You did a great job today Nathan i'm very proud of you

Nathan- Thank you boss i'm glad you think so i was pretty darn nervous about it

Boss- Haha That's normal man but you'll find it gets easier with time

Nathan- Indeed boss well i'll see ya tomorrow then?

Boss- You betcha mate catch ya \

Nathan- See ya boss

Rachel- Well that was an successful ass of a day great job Nathan proud of ya

Rachel that's 1 thing sorted now for the other 2

Later that night Rachel enters his dreams again

Rachel- Hello Nathan

Nathan- Shit hello Rachel

Rachel- How ya feeling after today

Nathan- Bloody relieved guess you were right it does take your mind off shit

Rachel- Indeed it does man but you've got a job you're happy with which is awesome BUT you still have the therapy and talking to your sister to go through yet

Nathan- I'll call a therapist tomorrow on my break and my sis on the weekend

Rachel- Sounds like a deal just make sure you do it

Nathan- I will don't worry

Rachel- I'll be watching...Anyway see ya Nathan

Nathan- Goodbye Rachel

The next day on his lunch break Nathan calls up a therapist

Therapist- Hello how are you

Nathan- Hello my name is Nathan Prescott i'd like to book an appointment to see you soon

Therapist- Sure thing is 4pm tomorrow sound good

Nathan- Yeah it sounds perfect thank you

Therapist- You're welcome see you tomorrow goodbye

Nathan- Goodbye

Nathan- Well that's bloody brilliant news I get help i've got a job man all I need to do now is reconnect with my sister and all will be great again

Rachel- Cough cough welcome cough cough agh bad cough....What I was coughing

After work the next day Nathan goes to see his therapist

Therapist- Hello Nathan how are you going today?

Nathan- i'm pretty good Doc things have been looking up lately

Therapist- That's great to hear so what's changed

Nathan- Well my enthusiasm for life has changed i've dropped the toxic people from my life shit i've even got a job now

Therapist- That's brilliant news Nathan

Nathan- Indeed it is i'm gonna try to re-connect with my Sister again this weekend

Therapist- That's a great idea..But how are you mentally are you still relapsing or anything?

Nathan- Ever since i've had this dream where a spirit came into it and told me to get my shit together if you wanna live i've been bloody perfect I haven't been taking any drugs or any thoughts about it been taking my meds every day

Therapist- Holy shit Nathan you're progress in a short time is amazing to see...But what ya mean spirit?

Nathan- I guess I can only explain it as my guardian angel came to my aid

Therapist- That sounds pretty much right mate but that's all we've got time for you've made AMAZING progress lately Nathan but keep it going don't wanna relapse or anything

Nathan- I will doc nothing will stop me now and see ya doc

Therapist- See ya Nathan

On the weekend Nathan decides to try contact his sister

Nathan- I've tried calling her but nothing why won't she answer

Rachel- Probably has no signal she's in a bloody rainforest after all

Nathan- I'll just email her see if she'll answer in time

Nathan then types out a huge ass email telling his sis about everything that's been going on lately

Nathan- well that'll do I hope she sees it soon

Rachel- She Fucking better answer or i'll Fuck with her next

Few hours later of waiting for an answer he's finally got one

Sister "Hey Nathan, It's great to hear how awesome you're going now after everything that's happened i'm thankful you still remembered about your sister that means a lot to me, So you've got a job at a photography store that's great news, And you've dropped dad from your life tbh that's the greatest thing you could've done he's one toxic motherfucker why ya think i'm in a forest away from him, Anyway I gotta go now but I love you little bro and i'm soooo happy to hear your life has turned around for the better keep it up bro love you"

Nathan swelled up with tears, Love everything

Rachel- Aww seeing him this emotional is awesome he really does love his sister

Nathan- That's the greatest thing i've ever read man I love my sister

Nathan- Soo got a job TICK, Been to therapy TICK and reconnected with my sister TICK man i've done everything Rachel said I should do

Rachel-Indeed you have man I guess my work here is done

Until.....

Dad- How dare you betray me son betray the Prescott name you've disappointed me and trying to drop me from your life? How dare you son I raised you better than that

Nathan's heart sank when he read that message he didn't expect any contact from his dad he stood in shock not knowing how to answer

Rachel- Well i'll be Fucked the prick decided to make a visit as I left to go to the shitter FFS always happens

Nathan not knowing how to answer just took a deep breath and went for it

Nathan- Dear you miserable old cunt..Yes I am indeed done with your bossy ways your my way or the highway attitude...You never really cared what I wanted it was always what was best for you and the "Prescott" name well it's just a Fucking NAME and means shit all if you're the one behind it controlling it...You didn't raise me at aall my life was hell with you nothing you ever did was in my best interest EVER!!!!! So to wrap it up i'm done with you I hope you die alone you miserable ol cunt this will be the last you hear of me...Goodbye

Rachel- DAAAMNNNNN SON...Tell it like it is

Nathan then proceeds to block his number and everything so he can never contact him again

Nathan- WOW that's over with thank Fuck my life is actually in order now all thanks to you Rachel

Rachel- FINALLY!!!! Haha This has been great to watch his life

Nathan then has a nap and for the last time Rachel enters his dreams

Rachel- Hello Nathan

Nathan- Hello Rachel

Rachel- Seems my work here is done you've got everything sorted for the time being you don't need me anymore

Nathan- I guess I don't huh well it's sad to see you go Rachel...You've really REALLY helped me these past weeks I can't believe it

Rachel- Well you did as you promised and got your shit together that's all I cared for tbh

Nathan- So this is goodbye huh...I'm gonna miss you ya know

Rachel- I may drop in now and then we'll see until then i've got other people to Fuck with or help out who knows

Nathan- Alright then good luck with everythingand goodbye

Rachel- You too Nathan just keep doing what you're doing and everything will go great trust me...Goodbye

Rachel- Fuck sake thank Fuck that's done I really need a nap after this time to go home

Satan- Oh you're finally back huh sheesh take your time

Rachel- Shut the Fuck up Satan not in the mood

Satan- sheesh fiesty today alright see ya talk later

Racehl- Yeah whatever you say pal

[thebipolareffect-blog1]

Commitment Woes.

Today is the day that will change things in my relationship with E. 

Last week, after some long conversations, we decided to start couples therapy. We both suffer from depression (His is MDD and mine is bipolar type 2) and anxiety. While we would like to pretend it doesn't, it definitely affects our relationship. Granted, it's not always negative. I find it endearing when he worries about me being alone at home all day, for example. It only becomes a problem when he starts talking about home safety in great lengths. SNORE (jk).

All that aside, we've got a pretty good thing going. We like each other most of the time. We communicate well for two mentally ill people. We have the same wants and ideas for the future. Our plans include each other. The next natural step seems like marriage, right? Wrong.

Let's dial the clock back a few days. We're both laying in bed, talking about whatever comes to mind. I turn to him and the conversation goes as follows:

R: I want to get married. To you.

E: Yeah?

R: Yeah. Would it be weird if I proposed to you?

E: Not at all. It'd take a lot of pressure off of me.

R: Cool.

E: Cool.

From this conversation, I took what he said as a 'YES GO AHEAD. GREEN LIGHT. ALL SYSTEMS ARE GO.', I still don't understand how I could have taken it any other way. PLEASE GIVE ME INPUT IF YOU SEE WHERE I WENT WRONG IN MY ASSUMPTIONS, BY THE WAY. 

Anyway, I planned a fucking proposal. I bought a custom made ring. I bought a cute little custom dog-tag for S. I bought myself a placeholder ring (he wanted me to have one, too,). I get nervous, oh no. I tell him about it, cause why not! Conversation:

R: Nervous about proposing to the love of my life!

E: Nah, don't be. I know what his answer will be.

R: Are you SURE you want me to propose? I don't want to steal your thunder or emasculate you or anything.

E: We'll talk more about it later, work is getting busy.

R: OK

Again, didn't see any immediate "NO DONT" signs here. I should have sensed some apprehension in the "we'll talk later" part, but what could I do? I'd already ordered the stuff. Whatever. Plans are still a go at this point. We don't talk about this particular subject that night or the next day.

Tuesday morning comes around and I'm a mess of anxiety again. His ring has shipped, the dog-tag has shipped. My ring is being made. ANXIETY. ANXIETY. ANXIETY. So I talk to him again on his lunch break. I don't remember exactly how the conversation went so I'll summarize the best I can:

E: I don't really feel ready.

R: What? For marriage?

E: Yeah. I guess with my depression being as bad as it is right now and me starting a new medication...I just don't feel like it's the best idea.

R: Oh, okay. I understand.

I was stunned, honestly. We got off the phone and shit started to sink in, real hard. Panic. Panic. PANIC. Why did he wait to tell me?

My heart was in a trillion pieces and I wasn't quite sure how to even start the repair process. My thoughts were spiraling, I was not in control. I texted E and told him what was happening. I told him I worried about coming across pushy or like I was trying to guilt him into marriage. 

I told him my thoughts were running rampant trying to figure out the 'WHY' part of things. I told him the things I worried about.

He doesn't love me.

He doesn't want me.

He's ashamed of me.

He doesn't like the way I look. 

I'm not good enough for him.

I'm not attractive enough.

I'm too broken.

I'm too sad. 

I'm too much.

He will never be ready.

He did his best to reassure me. He DID want to get married, he wasn't ready yet. I don't know about any other girl in the world but I've been told all my adult life that when a man says he's not ready, it actually means he doesn't want to marry you. At all. I couldn't get around it.

For the next few days, things kind of piled up. I became depressed. I couldn't take care of myself very well. I wasn't taking care of the housework. I managed to get grocery shopping done. I managed to keep myself and the pets alive. That's about it. It was straining on our relationship.

We went on a short day trip to the next town over. He was driving and I was in the passenger's seat. We were listening to music. "Our Song" came on, he sang it and looked at me. I wanted to bawl. It hurt that he was being so good to me while I was tearing myself up feeling like he had rejected me. I was still having trouble sorting my thoughts on the matter. I was hurting. I still am hurting. 

We ended up talking about it again a few days later. He told me he worried about me changing my mind. He worried about me growing restless and cheating. He worried about him not being good enough for me. I don't know how to quell any of these anxieties and I don't know if he does either.

I ended up not sleeping that night and I typed everything that had gone on into a Reddit post and sought advice. There weren't many responses. The few I did get suggested couples therapy/counseling. DUH, R. 

E had suggested it before, a few months ago. We had some small troubles that resolved themselves after a little while so we never pursued it. I let him know I wanted to see a counselor and if he wanted to go, that was great. If not, I'd go alone and work on our relationship myself but I hoped he would go. He said yes and here we are today. Our appointment is in 2 hours.

I'm a mess of nervousness. It's not quite anxiety...it's a different flavor. Milder, I suppose. We had an argument last night and it sort of boiled down to him worrying about me. He's worried about my mental well-being and it's stressing on him because he has to worry about himself, too. I told him that I was okay, but I sometimes needed help but was afraid to ask. He said he felt the same way. We talked and laughed about some stuff and went to sleep a little late. He woke up this morning feeling down so I asked him if he needed help, he said no and went off to work. He seemed better when I talked to him at lunch, so I'm hoping he is doing better. 

I will likely write again tonight or tomorrow afternoon detailing the appointment some more. I'd like to document our progress on different matters. I want to share myself with someone outside of our relationship, sometimes. I don't have any friends who would/could accept that burden so I pour it out into this blog. I appreciate anyone who reads and I would love feedback, on the writing or the content. EDIT: I wanted to add another event. It occurred sometime between him agreeing to counseling and the date that I posted this. His ring had arrived and the dog tag had as well. He brought in the mail along with both packages and asked what they were. He already had some sort of idea of how I would propose. I didn't want to surprise him with it and make him uncomfortable. I told him he could open them and he did. The tag reads "Will you marry my mama?", the ring is made of tungsten and finished matte. It's gorgeous and I'm proud of myself for picking it out. Anyway, he looks at the dog tag and smiles and kind of shuffles his feet. He looks up at me and grins and says

E: I will. 

R: What?

E: Marry his mama.

He put the ring on and wore it for a few hours until it started to get uncomfortable. I beamed, he beamed. I was so happy, I was so excited. We had worked things out. It was easy! Cool!

Later that night in bed, he sighed. 

E: Why am I such a commit-a-phobe?

Here we go, again. Broken into pieces, again. Dammit, E.

[mrcscnt]

it both frustrates and upsets me that my mom will literally never understand.

i’ve avoided saying the word “appointment” to her for a little under a year because i know she’ll have a mouthful to say about her thoughts on everything.

but tomorrow i have a doctor’s appointment and i told her because i could go help her at her office afterwards since it’s in the same area. and the first thing she says is “stop taking those medications, you dont need it” and then i clarify that it’s my primary doctor that i’m going to see, but she continues on and asks if i still see the other person so i reluctantly say “sometimes...” where she then goes on again to tell me how i need to stop taking the medication and that they’re not good for me and that there’s nothing wrong with me and

i’m so tired of her. i’m so tired of her not understanding and her judgements.  because she’s not even asking, she’s telling.

she’s telling me to stop taking them because nothing’s wrong and they’re bad for me.

but she...doesnt??? get???? it???????

and it’s frustrating af because she has always been the voice of doubt in my head and the source of many of my insecurities and every time she voices these thoughts of her, about how i should stop the medication, it makes me start to wonder how much they’ve been helping and how much has changed and whether or not i’m actually getting better and whether or not i’m actually doing anything with all this nonsense and it stresses and frustrates me because SHE!!! DOESNT!!! GET!!! IT!!!!

i’m sick of hearing how i need to stop taking my meds and how there’s nothing wrong and how they’re not good for me.

i’ve been walking on this road of therapy/meds for just about a year now and my head still doesnt know whether it’s done anything or not and i’m doubtful and hesitant and terrified and i dont need somebody telling me to stop and that there’s nothing wrong because i cant.

i cant.

i’m going to lose my mind if i stop. i’m losing my mind even i continue, but the logical part of me knows that no matter how small, this past year has done something (even if it’s just the fact that i survived)

but my mom doesnt understand.

she doesnt know how much i’ve wanted to die for all these years. and she doesnt know how much this anxiety sucks the soul out of me on a daily basis. and she doesnt know how much it takes for me to get out of bed in the morning and pretend like i’m fine 90% of the time and she doesnt know that i still get so sad sometimes that it feels like my heart is physically aching. and she doesnt know that, while she wants me to get a job or go out and travel or go and meet new people, i want the same exact things but i dont know how to get myself to a place that allows me to do that without struggling to breathe and feeling sick to my stomach.

she doesnt know.

she doesnt want to know.

because she doesnt ask me about my medications or why i’m continuing with all this.

no, she just tells me to stop.

because they’re not good for me. because there’s nothing wrong.