#gonna talk to my therapist about this idk
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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the imposter syndrome i feel every time i even slightly think i might be autistic is insane, specially for a person who highly relates to the lived experiences of people who are professionally diagnosed.
Like I was just watching this one youtuber, and she was talking about very specific examples in her life and childhood where she saw autistic traits that made her realize she was autistic and then seek a diagnosis and then get one, and everything she was saying was like she was describing my life! But yeah no, I can't be autistic tho
#and one thing that has been filling me with dread (as if it was relevant lol) is the idea of seeking a diagnosis and#either not geting it because it's already so hard to find a diagnosis for '''''''women''''''' (afabs)#and that will make me doubt myself even more! but most importantly those around me who already don't believe me#but also i'm very scared about this one thing in particular which is the talking to your parents portion of the diagnosis#where the therapist will want to talk to people who knew me as a child... and that person will have to be my mom#and i'm pretty sure she will dismiss most signs. like she would either not bring them up because ''they're normal''#or play them as less important than they were#or maybe she didn't even notice them! because most of my struggles are internal!#things like being bullied or having no friends or liking a routine#idk if she'll be able to talk about all those#because my bullying wasn't violent it was mostly dismissive#my ''friends'' weren't really friends like i didn't CARE for them as maybe someone would have#and also they would leave me for no reason at all out of the blue... so i don't think even THEY considered ME a friend#and liking routine i guess she could say i prefered it but she doesn't know to the extent i hated going off it#i'm sure she forgot about the time i cried (as a 10 year old so not THAT young) because they made us change classroom#and i didn't know that was gonna happen... it was added to the anxiety that i thought my mother wouldn't be able to find me#but like the unknown classroom traumatized me (to this day i get anxious just thinking about that)#like... all those things i don't think she would bring up (if she could even) and i fear that will make me not get a diagnosis#not that this is a thing that's gonna happen cause as i established i cannot afford a therapist nor i'll ever get a diagnosis i don't think#so like it's not relevant#but i am anxious about it nonetheless#angel talks#personal#idk what's my point with this post btw i'm just venting and creaming to the void#dkfjhgdfg
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there r fics that make u insane (so amazingly good it’s removed ur sanity) and then there’s fics that make u insane (you need to fistfight the author for how they did a specific thing that caused u to rant for hours)
#i know i just posted that other thing but ffs that is NOT how u handle someone in that situation everyone involved made everything 10x worse#yet it’s being treated like the right thing to do (which again ofc they’re cops they don’t understand harm reduction but still) like#seriously everything’s so forceful like u seriously think forcing ur friend to talk to u or forcing a patient to talk to a therapist under#the threat of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital is gonna make her feel comfortable talking to u? or anyone? she’s just gonna trust u#less and get better at hiding it and speaking of which the taking away all sharp objects thing makes sense in theory but like think abt it#for a minute she confirmed she isn’t suicidal and this is her only way of coping so do not just forcibly take away all her coping mechanism#like yes she is hurting herself but it’s a COPING MECHANISM. she’s coping with something. help her with that don’t just take away her penci#sharpers or whatever (which btw since she’s an adult she could easily buy more stuff and yk learn to hide it better) which again has to be#voluntary it isn’t gonna work if u force someone to do smthn they don’t want to like as ur friend u could’ve made it clear u care abt her#and wouldn’t judge her for anything and r here if she wants to talk don’t just say “you have to talk to me” and casually threaten#hospitalisation when she isn’t ready in the moment like seriously if this wasn’t a badly written fanfic she would completely stop trusting#bcz given that this wasn’t even done out of panic i would like ffs u are NOT doing any of this right#oops sorry ranted abt the bad fic in my tags-#it’s not where the author’ll see it and know it’s about them i don’t feel bad abt it#this was my first time even looking at stuff for this fandom so#cw self harm in tags#idk if i need to tag anything else for that 😭#fanfic#ao3#ryan shut the fuck up
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like i could get a therapist but like, how am i supposed to be a tortured artist if i'm not... yknow... tortured
#this is sarcasm i hope y'all know#the issue is i'm extremely picky about therapy#which like isn't a bad thing#i just don't really want a therapist that i don't click with firstly#secondly i don't want someone that is going to try and tell me what to do off bucks#i want it to be 75% listening 25% like them suggesting stuff to me#i mostly want someone to vent to and to help me work out my emotions and then be like yeah btw what you're doing? dumb#but idk about opening up to a random person now that i'm more secure in my identity and shit#and also i'm just worried that someone is gonna think my problems are trivial#idk#i'd rather try to therapist myself than rely on someone else to do it#rip#talking
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like if therapy and meds help you that’s so cool but it drives me insane how people treat those as some magical cure all that EVERYONE needs to seek out even though the psych industry is fucked and biased and not affordable and if trying to find a good therapist or find the right meds is doing nothing but causing you even more stress and anxiety even after you’ve been trying to get help for years than maybe it’s not worth it at that point
#do people just like forget that every med has a shit load of potential side affects??#that can make your mental health and even physical health WORSE??#like no one in my family has actually had meds work for them#they just kind of. didn’t do anything for me and my#brother is cursed with getting the Bad side effects of any medication he takes#so like#and when you have mental health conditions that entail#having an incredibly difficult time opening up emotionally or even talking about vulnerable topics#what’s the fucking point#I’d go thousands of dollars into debt before a therapist would ever get me to open up#and that’s IF I was lucky enough to find one that worked for me#also no psych is gonna solve the housing and economy crisis lol#they can’t do anything for me being depressed cause I’m stuck living in a tiny apartment crammed with other people!#even therapists and psychs have straight up told me I don’t seem to benefit from their services#idk just like. if you see that a mentally ill person isn’t on therapy or on meds by choice#consider there’s a reason for that and mind your own fucking business lol
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How do you feel about trans hajime agenda
Same way I feel about most gender, sexuality, and neuro headcanons: not something I *personally* really need to talk about or name, but anything that makes people happy is a thumbs up from me
#That first part isn't a no either btw. It's just a 'i already barely understand my own gender'#'im not gonna talk about or project gender on other characters when idk wtf to even say lol'#Same with neuro stuff. I know somethings wrong with me but I (and therapists) dunno what#So what would I have to say about it in a narrative?#I just draw how I feel and when ppl are like 'omg trans swag' or 'real autism vibes' I'm like oh? Hell yea ok!#Tldr I'm dumb about many things so I don't really think about them#except polyamory BC I'm spiteful abt that one lol#Wow this got long. Uh anyway#If you get mad at anything I say consider: asking forclarification. I'm not always very comprehensible#Can you tell I am a MASSIVE overthinker
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I'm toooo in love welllllpppp
Watch out, there's loads of gushing in the tags
#ill be find#fine#i will be patient and realistic#speaking it into existence#i will not let this ruin my friendship to him#if something does develop on the feelingsfront it would be cute and nice#but its okay if not#okay back to gushing#hes so preeettttyyyyyyy#he's so cuuuute#even during making out he is cuuuuteeeee#idk why but i liked touching his beard what#sometimes when i look into his eyes i see our future#haha what haha i never said that hahahaha lol hahahaha#his belly is so cute#hes so tall and handsome#did you know he has the cutest nose#beautiful eyes#and his humor is so good#his hugs are heavenliiiyyyy#i love it when he infodumps about fantasy novels to me#hes so compassionate too#he loves boardgames and nerdy stuff and he makes music and most of it is good hihi#he's doing workouts to get stronger now hrhrhrhrhrhr mmmhmmmm#gonna touch his butt heheheeheheheeeee#we are the bisexual dreamteam#as one of the nurses said#tea ? i cant wait to talk to the ergo therapist again in a non professional setting and ill tell him about the making out with the crush bc#my 59yo bestie Horst shipped us even before i told him about my crush#btw i had a good reason to tell therapists about my crush lol i wasnt just like hiiii horstttt you know who i im in love wiiiithhhh
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therapy is going to be a struggle bc i just know that as soon as i mention The Divorce the therapist will try to trace all my problems back to The Divorce and to be completely honest with you, i dont think ive ever had a specific problem with my parents not being together anymore (i kinda knew itd happen eventually) and i feel like my issues come more from the aftermath than from the event itself
#you could argue that this would mean it is actuallh a product of divorce but like. man. thats just not true if im completely honest#i wish i could be one of those fictional characters people write fics about where they overcome a decade of trauma in one conversation and#then get magically better and theres this line thats like ''its not always easy but theyre trying their best'' but the relationship the#author built is in fact perfext and flawless and the times where it isnt easy dont come from the characters unhealthy behaviour affecting#the relationship it actually comes from when the character js SAD#sigh idk. i need a therapist. ik its gonna be a struggle but its better than nothing.#ive been trying to get one since last year but the last lady bailed on me like twice and it killed a bit of my willingness to go to therapy#and now i keep asking my parents to help me out with getting a new one and they just arent (this is not somwthing i can do by myself)#anyways ^____^ life goes on#talk#oh also yes i feel like this about therapy specifically bc of this lady. so sorry to all therapists that i will talk to this is a thing now
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google how do i tell my dad that the reason i keep bringing up elon musk's transphobia isn't that i've got gen z political tunnel vision that makes me blind to his "innovation" in electric cars but because i am desperately crying out for you as the father of a trans child to feel just as outraged and angry as i am that that man has so much power
#edit: warning the tags get pretty personal whoops. however tumblr is like a diary to me so. but if discussions of father issues arent for u#it's not anything he's directly said but like. when we talk about it i can tell he's clinging to this like#image of musk as this inventor working for the good of humanity#because he's admired him for a long time and like i get it it's hard to let go of your heroes when it turns out they're trash#but. he's always been trash. is the thing. and i've been saying this.#and it would be nice to feel some solidarity! or support! or empathy idk!#and not like. lectures why tesla is actually progressive or why spacex is the best thing to happen to science since fucking penicillin#and sometimes ppl who push the world towards progress rub people the wrong way#god like. we were in the car the other day talking about it and i mentioned tesla moving to texas bc of the law protecting trans kids#and he mumbled something like well sure yeah he said that but Really... really it's about the taxes......#okay!! who give a shit! that's not the point! the point is that he's got fucking legions of alt right fanboys who hang off his every word#so when he says something that is good for trans people is actually dangerous and bad and hurts kids#and when he openly publicly deadnames and misgenders and LIES about his TRANS DAUGHTER. it's fucking dangerous! and it makes trans people#(IE ME. YOUR CHILD.)#feel unsafe!#it should get you angry! it should make you rethink how you saw him previously! it should make you want to stop supporting him!#idk. i mean my dad has never been like. against me being trans. and he's worked really hard on the pronouns and not deadnaming me#but it's stuff like this where it feels like he doesn't grasp how he's de-prioritizing my perspective as a trans person and.#his Child.#and how his first reaction to me starting t was 'no.. why would you do that :('#it just feels bad. i love him so much but it's shit like this that makes me feel like i don't matter to him or like i'm disappointing him#and then he gets confused when i tell him that i feel that way#wow! sorry for this. i should get serious about finding a therapist i dont think i knew i felt all this until i typed it out#im gonna add a tag at the beginning of this. as a warning. lolololol. lol. anyway#got 2 pick up my t tomorrow and also email my dr for more wellbutrin haha slay! hit the slay button. dispenses ssris.#god i'm so tired sorry i'm delirious actually. also i saw my brother this weekend which was so nice and he's such a weirdo which also#makes me weirder by proxy
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i realized how much it scares me that my mind will convince itself of even the ugliest things if i start thinking them often enough and it's... yeah. like i had a good session with my psychiatric rehabilitation therapist i think it was very useful but then at the end i got hit by this feeling of fear... like i'm so scared of myself and how low i can get
#like i convinced myself the only way to deal with my pain and my problems was to attempt suicide so people would know i was suffering#bc i wasn't able to tell them#and i really really for real believed it and i did exactly that and it's very scary to think my mind can get so twisted and believe these#distorted versions of reality or twisted ways to get what i need or all the negative things i think of myself#and like i guess this is just part of working on getting rid of these beliefs. that i'm realising just how deep in them i am and that it#scares me#but it's not a nice feeling. i'm really trying not to judge myself for it that's not useful. i'm still learning how to not judge myself#for every little thing but god it's hard i'm so used to thinking i'm too much or not enough or too emotional or too stupid or inadequate et#just every bad thing under the sun#but even trying my hardest to mantain like a non judgmental view of this issue... the fear is the hardest part rn#it's just... i don't even know who i am? and that's also something we're gonna work on and started to a little#but i don't know who i am and so i just believe abt myself whatever the situation leads me to believe. whatever my bpd leads me to believe#whatever others lead me to believe#and the last one especially is perhaps my biggest issue. i don't know myself and i don't like what “myself” currently is and i live for#other people i live to please others i do things so others will like me or at least not dislike me so i can hate myself less#and really that's no way to live. and this is something this therapist is making me realize and understand#but it's just seriously so.... scary all of this all of this realizing i'm just an empty vessel that i fill up depending on the person i'm#interacting with and that i am.. nothing. like not nothing but like nico is not a formed person. i have molded myself to other ppl's tastes#and needs and if i try to look beyond that there's just this void or at least this question mark#i don't think i have like no personality? but well i do have a personality disorder so that's fucked me up! and it's! aaaa!!#if i think about the things i have convinced myself of by sheer repeating thek to myself all the time in my dark moments...idk#and like it was manageable when the dark moments had reduced and i was relatively okay. but as soon as i got bad again... oh#it started being a constant bombardment of negative talk to myself abt myself and a constant telling myself#well pretty much that there is no worth to be found inside myself. so unless this pain somehow goes away by itself i'll kill myself#that was basically my train of thought every day multiple times a day for months and months#that is scary!!!!!!!! that is so!!!! i'm so#sorry this is a mess. i'm trying not to cry bc i'm at my parents' house and my father's around but. yeah. just lots of feelings#and again it's probably normal i mean talking about these things is good! but feelings are bound to arise and some are hard to deal with#suicide tw#sorry i forgot the tw in my being upset in the moment
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#gonna get kinda heavy in the tags since im stuck on mobile and cant drop a read more but i need to vent fam squad#god I want to come back but i just don't know how to talk#like i feel like i cant just spring back into conversation like everything is okay and fine#because its not and i dont know how to get over the mental barrier of talking about normal things#it's a really weird feeling and i know im isolating myself but i just dont know what else to do#like i can talk to my family that were there for it. i can talk to people that have been through it#idk i just feel really disconnected#my friends try to talk to me about things and i just cant relate anymore#and they dont get it either. none of my friends have lost their parents and especially havent seen someone die#and they dont know how to talk about it so now its like none of us bother#theres things that happened that i cant say and tbh im pretty haunted#to them its been ages since mum died but to me its only two weeks and still feels like yesterday#i think im pulling away just so i dont have to deal with the hurt of being dropped first#im glad that i have some good close friends that i CAN talk to about things and im so grateful for them#but hoooo boy everything hits different now#tiejfkeie boy am i glad i get to see my therapist tomorrow dkfjskfndk#;; ooc.#death tw#parent death tw#negative tw#;; tbd.
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Terrified for when I turn the legal drinking age in 3 months 😺 I actually can't stop thinking about it. What do you mean the only thing that will be stopping me from going on benders is money??? r u fr rn? You mean I don't have to go through the embarrassment of having a middleman buy me a whole handle of hard liquor once a week? 😭 And have to pretend I'm not an alcoholic haha It's literally the dream
#my therapist told me to remind him two weeks before my birthday so we can talk about sitting through cravings and stuff#Since the only thing that's been a barrier for me rn has been legality and lack of ability to actually access#And even then its only slightly a barrier bc sometimes I still get past it#I'm SOOOOO not looking forward to the fucking lectures every week though#Actually idk if he does that.. my last therapist did and it was ANNOYING like bro#I'm not gonna stop no matter how many times you tell me that it will kill me eventually
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I SCHEDULED A PSYCHIATRIST APPOINTMENT 🧘♀️🌈✨🌱💫🌊
#JOY TO THE WORLD#I am still very scared. and I had to talk to a call center guy which sucked#but yayyyyy#it’s so soon too! like a week from now#hope it goes well#I wrote that I just wanted to talk about ADHD meds buuuut that’s only bc my therapist from high school thought I had ADHD#and she was the one who recommended this place. and my mom is also very convinced that we BOTH have it#which like. idk if that’s true 😭 I honestly do NOT think I have ADHD#I really just want to talk about OCD bc I think an actual diagnosis would make me feel less insane. also maybe meds. might help lol#or whatever else they can diangose me with idc just tell me what the problem is PLEASE 🙏#anyway. I’m gonna go get fried rice from the mall food court and then go fill out all this paperwork#ellyposting
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Gotta write a production report for two songs we recorded and I'm gonna have to do at least a third of it for a group of 6 after having done about half of the recording and editing work for one of these two projects...all that cause I still haven't found an internship so I can't just say : do it without me.
It's a little exhausting. I know they will work if I really push them but they'll do it super late and I'll have to revise it when I get back home from the small concert I've allowed myself to go instead of my portuguese lesson (brazilian artist so it's all good my teacher said, I still feel bad) and I'll have to run around tomorrow morning to print it and I'll assume the cost again.
It's...yeah it's exhausting. And my thesis is so far behind, and I still have no internship. I wanna keep strong but man that diploma is slipping away from me. I'm not even sure I have good enough grades at my exams now !
#yeah ok the anxiety is back#I have meds that are over the counter so like not great stuff but I'll just chug that down and hope it does something#plus I'm super stressed cause some of them are coming to a small party at my place (for once that I'm alone without my brother there)#and I was talkign with one of them (the closer one) about maybe coming out to them and he said yeah if you want :)#but now one of them is bringing his girlfriend and I am noooot doing that but also my place is a very intimate space for me#I so rarely invite people over because of that#I should stop drinking coffee it might be helping#my head is killing me#I'm so close to giving up on my studies all together and reimburse my mom#but I don't want to !! the people that inspire me the people i look up to the people i want to be like fought for it and never gave up#I'm not even sure I'm made for these studies. I have no ambition I just want to make people happy with music but the kind I love doesn't#really require me ? cause it's mostly small concerts with acoustics instruments#maybe I should have gone into idk social work but I'm pretty sure I would be way too anxious for it same reason i can't be a therapist#and the situation at home isn't much better rn#I really need to breath rn or I'm gonna be out of commission for so long that it will be even more stressful to do the reports at midnight#I'm gonna chicken out tonight as well and just stand there and listen and not talk to the artist afterwards and try to use the portuguese#I've learned nooo I'm just gonna default to english or french
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Me kinda wanting to look for a temporary second therapist vs me thinking my current therapist will be sad if I do that lmao
#not snz#look i love my therapist#wouldn't be here without her#but i genuinely don't think she can help me with this#with the emotions of it maybe but she won't Understand#and they do have first responder specific therapists out there#so maybe that would help but idk#and i feel bad bc my therapist is literally Right There#like I'm not seeing her for another week but she is There#anyway i think I'm just gonna end up suffering about it#I've been writing a little bit tho so there's that#anyway talking on this blog so my friends on my main don't see lmao
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I hate that post that periodically goes around that’s like. “I can’t be friends with people unless we trauma dump to each other within the first ten minutes 🤪”. I hate it so much. For your own safety AND the emotional boundaries of others, telling your deepest darkest traumas to a stranger isn’t a good thing.
#ej.txt#like I understand wanting to have conversations beyond small talk 100% I get that#but the amount of times I’ve had people my age tell me deeply personal things about themselves#that just INSTANTLY made me wildly uncomfortable. like idk you. I’m not gonna reciprocate because I don’t know you.#and without reciprocation you are basically making me your involuntary therapist#furthermore like. it just isn’t smart to yell strangers about your traumas#because you really never know if they’re gonna judge you or use it against you#anyway. this post was also fueled by me remembering a very dumb take someone had about social penetration theory
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