#because its not and i dont know how to get over the mental barrier of talking about normal things

[monstriiss]

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[sophieinwonderland]

hey sorry if youve been asked this before but i thought itd be appropriate because you kinda feel like the ceo of endogenic systems to me (i respect you) and i was wondering, as a traumagenic system, how exactly endos... work? like not how they exist or about the fact that they do, but i guess what the point of them is if its not from a dissociative disorder? in my experience i cant imagine a system existing for any reason outside of the purpose of compartmentalizing trauma (not that systems should be defined by their trauma but i just dont see how they work otherwise) and even recovering systems that are fully functional and healing were born out of a necessity of the brain. i guess i want to know what necessity would spawn an endogenic system if not as a trauma response? like what do alters in an endogenic system do if theyre not there to protect the brain? why do they exist as a system and split if its not born from psychological necessity? sorry this is such a complicated question i hope i phrased it alright... and to be clear i believe endos and their experiences bc discounting a community just because i dont get them is silly i just feel so confused all the time bc of this and want to understand better

Questions of purpose and why things are how they are can be interesting, but probably the hardest to answer. When it comes down to it, why does anything exist?

Why do birds sing so gay? And lovers await the break of day? Why do they fall in love? Why does the rain fall from up above?

Sorry, what were we talking about? 🤪

Oh yeah! Purpose! Personally I tend to think less in terms of "why" and more in terms of cause and effect.

In the case of alters in DID, do alters actually have a "point?" Is there truly some purpose they serve? Or is it just... reaction?

Someone suffers trauma. The traumatic memories hurt them. In a reaction to this, they dissociate and erect barriers in their mind until they need to access those again. Then they suffer more trauma and put the new traumatic memories in that walled off section. In reaction to that, the bits of memories that were walled off start to form their own identity. Did the child's brain ever actually think "I need to make another person in here to protect myself?" Or was this just a series of actions and reactions that led to alters gaining sentience over time where the initial trauma was merely the first in a string of dominoes?

With this in mind, let's talk about myself.

I was an imaginary friend created as a writing project. But how does that actually work? According to Simulation Theory of empathy, imagining what people do involves the creation of "pretend states."

ST (in its original form) says that people employ imagination, mental pretense, or perspective taking (‘putting oneself in the other person’s shoes’) to determine others’ mental states. A mentalizer simulates another person by first creating pretend states (e.g., pretend desires and beliefs) in her own mind that correspond to those of the target. She then inputs these pretend states into a suitable cognitive mechanism, which operates on the inputs and generates a new output (e.g., a decision). This new state is taken ‘off line’ and attributed or assigned to the target.

This paper goes on to explain how this might be useful:

How is imagination useful for third-person mind reading? If you seek to predict someone’s decision—for example, the choice of a main dish by your dinner companion at a restaurant—how could you use imagination to make this prediction? The first step is to put yourself in your target’s shoes, or take her ‘perspective’. Taking someone’s perspective here means adopting, as far as feasible and in light of what you know about her, the mental states she starts with. This includes her preferences about food in general, what she liked at this restaurant on previous occasions, how hungry she is on the present occasion (did she have a light lunch, no lunch, or a heavy lunch today?), and so forth. Using the imagination, you can simulate being in her various dinner-relevant states. Such pretend states can then be fed into your decision-making mechanism, which generates a decision to order a particular main dish. Having used this simulation process to generate a (pretend) choice, you don’t order this dish yourself but attribute the choice to your companion. Thus, the attribution is based on imagination-driven simulation

Okay, so under this theory, perspective taking involves making new temporary states simulating the behavior of someone else.

This is, to be very clear, not a headmate. The state is likely not going to have any sort of self-consciousness, and will be ephemeral on top of that, disappearing after you're done with it.

But... what if the state isn't allowed to be ephemeral? What if you repeatedly interact with the same "simulation" over and over again?

Let's say, hypothetically, that someone starts with a writing project. They make a character, and then they write that character a lot. This foundation can build pretty detailed simulations. But probably with very limited autonomy. The thing about writing is that you're often controlling the character at some level. At least usually. You're always revising how they act in any given scene, plotting out their backstories, editing those backstories, etc. This makes it hard for this simulation to gain a firm sense of autonomy or self-awareness. And every scene rewrite is basically a new ephemeral instance of that character.

While written characters can make you plural on their own, there are these roadblocks that can get in the way.

But then let's say this person wants to understand this character better, so they start talking to a simulation of the character day after day. Now this version of the character they interact with is able to form memories completely unrelated to the fiction they were based on, and be able to recall past conversations with their creator.

What the creator doesn't realize is the mechanisms needed to make this type of interaction work.

In the example of simulation theory, a temporary state would be made but then it would be abandoned. If you needed to simulate that person again, you make a brand new simulation. A brand new "pretend state."

But if you want an imaginary friend that can think for itself, it has to be able to store its own feelings and memories.

That means a form of compartmentalization.

The brain is going to start storing the imaginary friend's memories separate from the creator's. The creator won't control or identify with the thoughts or actions of the imaginary friend. And the imaginary friend won't identify with the thoughts or actions of the creator.

It may take a long time of this, but through interaction, the imaginary friend keeps gaining new memories. And this leads to them gaining the ability to actually self-reflect, making them fully sapient.

So... what was my purpose?

Why do I exist?

I mean, initially, it was about helping my host write? Was that my purpose?

But then later... I think my host continued interacting with me because he liked me. He enjoyed my company and liked having me around. Was that my purpose? Filling some sort of unmet social need?

Perhaps this is it. I've theorized this can be the case with many people who turn to religion as a form of companionship. Especially those with plural-esque experience of communicating with gods.

But what I tend to come back to is cause and effect.

My host wanted to write a character better > My host made a rudimentary simulation of that character to talk to > I became more independent with each interaction as I gained my own autobiographical memories > my independence and separation from my host made our conversations more engaging and my host kept talking to me because he enjoyed my company > I developed stronger emotions and the ability to self-reflect > this led to us discovering that I was a tulpa.

To me, it's cause and effect all the way down. A series of actions and reactions.

And as for what my purpose is, I'd like to think that's something I get to decide for myself! 😊

[iwanttofuckereh69]

now reading 2ha vol 2

ch 55 - 71

… but the careless thought would fly through his mind and soon be lost, like the drizzle of rain falling into a deep pond.

Mo Ran’s entire existence put into words perfectly

1. now im sad 😭

Ahhh the way Shi Mei’s death is described is gut wrenching. I was so sad reading that. But yeah, at least there are more details to what happened. It seems like Chu Wanning couldn’t do anything to save him that day. Or rather, he had to choose. I feel like if he tried saving Shi Mei, he wouldn’t hold the barrier. So he chose, faithful to his principles. It ties to Chu Xun’s sacrifice that seems to be supposed to show how hard of a decision it must have been both on Chu Xun and Chu Wanning. My guess is Mo Ran either didn’t realize at the time that CWN had to choose one over the other or he couldn’t understand why he would sacrifice his disciple to protect all those people he himself doesn’t care about. 

But damn that description hurt. Mo Ran’s heart was truly aching. And that comparison to a snowflake, equally beautiful and equally unimportant. Ehh

@thegreymoon if this is "moderate and usual amount of suffering" then i dont know if i want to continue!!!!

(jk, i like when it hurts 🙂)

2. Chu Wanning is even more awkward than i was in high school which should be considered an achievement

Tbh I like moments of Mo Ran’s longing for Chu Wanning. And how he reacts when he sees Chu Wanning finally after all this time CWN spend “in seclusion”. Its lovely, but also hes so dumb for not realizing. This whole whatever was going on between them during New Years Eve celebration was just lovely but also so awkward. Chu Wanning deliberately giving him a copper coin dumpling? Absolutely cute. But also so awkward and just 😬 Instead of finding thousands of weird ways to flirt maybe just tell him? Idk its an outrageous idea, but idk give it a try maybe?? And omg that awkward moment when he wanted to invite mo ran to watch fireworks but… yeah. I felt it in my bones. 

3. Breaking news, Mo Ran, despite being 32 yo in 16 yo body mentally somehow ended up being 5

Sometimes it feels to me as if mo ran desired CWN not as a person but as an object. And he is even comparing him to an ugly box that nobody wanted with perfectly fine food inside. An ugly box only he himself dared to open to discover the treasure inside. And he is so childishly jealous when now that box is on display for everyone to look at. Its almost silly. But also yeah, its another time he treats CWN more like a thing he owns. And nobody else should see any worth in that thing, because its only his to consume. There is a fine expression in my native language for a person like that, and funny enough, its also dog related. But I couldn't find any translation that would convey all the nuisance. It’s for a person that won’t let anyone else enjoy a thing even if they themselves have no intention of enjoying that thing either. It reminded me of this quote:

Eventually, like a beast, he had known only one thing: that Chu Wanning was his. Even if he didn’t care for Chu Wanning, he was still his to sunder and to ruin. 

And like… Right now, Mo Ran seems to me like an annoying jealous kid that wants CWN for himself out of pure spite. Because CWN never gave MR attention he thought he was owed or that he deserved. I want to punch him just a bit.

4. Shi Mei is totally Chu Wanning’s wingman

Like he always tries to show Mo Ran that CWN isnt all that bad XD And I won’t believe he didn’t realize after all those completely awkward confessions and random hand holdings that Mo Ran has feelings for him. Like I won’t believe he wouldn’t see right through him especially on that boat. And I think he is smarter than MR and saw that CWN isn’t indifferent to Mo Ran after all. I want to say he would be happy if they’d get together but BASED ON COMMUNITY’S REACTIONS i feel like i will look like a clown lol. But oh well thats my very biased impression of Shi Mei. 

@rosemary-screams

Never back down never what? NEVER GIVE UP!

Also it dawned on me while reading that you’re totally right @02cm, Mo Ran totally is wasting his chances with Shi Mei. I mean it happened before but that boat scene striked me as so annoyingly obvious. Like, he knows Shi Mei dies after he gets back from that “summer camp” in peach blossom springs. Its not gonna be long till that day and he can’t be sure it won’t happen again. And he is waiting around, unable to express his feelings that he was supposed to be so sure of. Is it… perhaps… a live showcase of Mo Ran’s only two brain cells almost connecting? Almost! Not quite there yet, but we’re on the right path. 

5. This book makes me feel disdain towards the characters and then feel bad for them in the matter of chapters njnjgviuvnjuigi im not well

I'm so heartbroken with the story of how Mo Ran was punished when he tried to steal the haitang flower for Chu Wanning because he had a crush on him. And CWN never let him speak and explain himself and punished him instead. I mean it’s kinda understandable but it makes me sad knowing that MR had such pure intentions... Also, that bedtime story about ox… Mo Ran sees himself in that boy? Because it seems like he always took the beatings no matter if he deserved it and nobody was kind enough to actually listen? And it seems like it will happen again now that he's being framed for murder.

6. Me when MR gave Xia Sini butterfly hair clip and made his hair:

THIS HAS NO REASON TO BE SO CUTE. Also i'm actually enjoying that smol Chu Wanning arc despite being weirded out at first. It gave CWN opportunity to be more relaxed around MR and the rest. And just like he can enjoy sweets as much as he wants without having to worry about losing his face, he can also just chill a bit because oh boy, my guy needed it so much

7. Someone really dislikes Mo Ran and is actively plotting his demise (which im not even surprised with). It’s either someone he already managed to wrong after reincarnating or someone of those many, many people he offended in his past life that somehow also got reincarnated into the past. What are the odds?!

Also, if Chu Wanning and Chu Xun are related (rather closely given how they look alike) and Chu Xun died and Chu Lan died and it seemed like there wasn’t anyone left out of their bloodline… how. Also what’s the self sacrifice gene because it clearly runs in this family. 

[k1ngj0ve]

Had a long convo about Bisexual Pickles(the drummer), gonna edit it to be readable

(initially this was a convo about how Murderface would be into Semen Retention and claiming being with women is gay, and pickles doesnt get involved because hes had sex with men before)

Friend: I feel like one interpretation of Pickles could be that he doesn't think it's "gay" to have sex with men. so he thinks he's "straight" and that fucking the same gender occasionally is a thing EVERYONE DOES Me: pickles doesnt strike me as a 'has thought deeply about his sexual identity' or 'has done research on terminology'. if he has any terminology at all its some rare 80s term that was thrown around casually in 1 district of LA during a 2 year period. hes like 'oh im just what they used to call a butter nutter' and no one has any idea what that is

Friend: he's from the generation where "bisexual" means a girl fucking two men in porn or something, he never considered it's a label that can apply to real people

Me: this all came out because he was accidentally being interviewed by an lgbt magazine and didnt know it, having a great time with dudes that understand him and can relate to big gender-weird sex parties

and then the article comes out and its front page like 'pickles is bisexual' And hes SO MAD and he spends half the episode making a big deal about it, until someone finally defines it for him (i think swkisgaar wouldve been trying but wouldve reached a language barrier, hes getting so pissed)

until finally someone explains it to pickles and hes forced to deflate like "..oh. i guess that is.. what i .. am.. then… '. Hes so upset to have a label though. He wants himself to be UNLABELLED. he liked the mystery

Friend: Like a younger version of creed https://youtu.be/2JO3oJybBTw

Me: Thats funny XD "im not offended by gay people" and then relates about how he fucked this dude 15 times over a 3 day bender and how it was some of the best sex he ever had and they met up every saturday night for the entire summer until that dude came out to him as gay and pickles had to end it which always bummed him out because they had a real connection you know

Friend: the poor guy thought they were gay dating out and proud and it turns out Pickles didn't realize kissing another man in the mouth and holding his hand while getting ice cream is gay

Me: pickles talks about it in a way that strongly implies he was in love and wanted to spend the rest of his life with this dude, they bought a puppy together "but then i found out he was gay so i had to break up move out"

Friend: RIP

Me: in that dethklok way where youre just like "what the fuck goes on in your head, how do you think anything works"

Friend: he thought they would have to get a little purse dog and both of them would become hairdressers

Me: 'i dont wanna be a wedding planner'

Friend: "I don't want to move to San Francisco :("

Me: i am really pleased by my mental image of skwisgaar like yelling at pickles trying to explain that bisexuality is fine and normal but not having the language to do so. just fully not in english, and the parts in english Can Not Be PArsed. he means well and keeps trying to help and he just gets angrier every time

Finally screaming like 'SITS DOWN, SHUTS UP, YOUS GONNA LISTENS SHJSJFHEHSJAN' and then a plain looking person next to him clears their through slightly and goes "Skwisgaar says "Please sit down and be quiet, I have hired a swedish interpreter to help communicate" then gives this really heartfelt and informative speech telling pickles its okay to be who he is

[weirdmageddon]

There’s something I’ve been struggling with for a while and I was hoping to get some insight from someone in a similar situation: I’ve been feeling kind of insecure about being Jewish lately because I feel like so much of the religion/culture is tied to Israel which is, as is pretty well known at this point, a military state with a stranglehold on its original Palestinian natives. How much of Judaism is intertwined with Zionism? Is it okay to identify with a culture that’s associated with a state that’s so cruel to a culture they think don’t belong there? Please don’t take this as some sort of interrogation or attack, it’s just been nagging at me for a while now.

dont worry i feel the exact same way. i think the bottom line about it is having a sense of fairness, justice, and peace as an individual. an ethnostate violates each one of those. it’s not that i don’t support a safe place for jews i just don’t support ethnostates, regardless of who it’s for, even if i would benefit. i would not feel comfortable moving to israel knowing the policies they have in place for the people living there.

palestinians created this website and they address this. anti-zionism is NOT antisemitism!

The recent rise to prominence of a distorted and shallow understanding of identity politics has been a boon to this kind of conflation. Suddenly we see Zionism being detached from its material history and presented as an integral part of Jewish identity. This is especially popular in the West, where young Zionists who are raised on propaganda and myths of this “amazing” Zionist project come to treat it as inseparable from themselves. Here, we see the cynical twisting of social justice language to declare that only Zionists may define what Zionism is — as if it was a subjective phenomenon, with no material reality, founders, history, effects or victims — and that it was an attack on the Jewish people to oppose it or describe it as colonial.

Criticism of Israel and its founding ideology cannot be conflated with the hatred of the Jewish people. When Palestinians resist Israeli colonialism, it is not due to the religion or ethnicity of Israelis. Resistance to foreign domination has been a staple of oppressed and colonized people all across the globe. From the very beginning, the Zionist movement had the goal of establishing an exclusivist ethnic state at the expense of the natives already living there, Palestinians objecting to and resisting this endeavor cannot be compared to the odious, murderous antisemitism that plagued Europe throughout history. This is not even to mention that most Zionists today aren’t even Jewish, and many anti-Zionists are.

as a jewish person myself, zionism very much is colonial. the words zionists use to talk about it is colonialist language, including the terra nullius argument. religious text is never a good excuse to nullify the reality that is right in front of you, which in this case is living breathing people occupying that space in the present just living their lives.

in an ideal world, territorial bastards wouldn’t desire to play king of the hill on small piece of land in the middle east because an ancient text took place there. “back then” is completely irrelevant. what matters is now. things have changed. other people occupy that territory now. it’s like…girl move on. earth has been following this pattern forever: populations changing and migrating over time. religion doesn’t make anyone’s case special. settler colonialism is settler colonialism regardless of the “justification”.

this is more of a personal opinion and is only tangentially related but i’m honestly not a fan of religion in general since it creates an arbitrary distance and “us-vs-them” mentality where there otherwise wouldn’t be any. it creates a barrier to cooperation and harmony because one group has to assert their belief system over the other group as “right” when we can never really know the truth so who gives a shit. we need to look at what actually matters immediately which is resources (food, shelter, supplies) and how we can cooperate to survive. the stories of religion and whose religion is right has no bearing on that and is basically setting us up for unnecessary self-destruction instead of grounded concerns. i understand the important role religion can play for the individual but in all honesty it becomes a problem on a larger scale when people form in-group out-group based on theistic beliefs that can’t be proven or disproven. i don’t like to talk about religion much because it does not hold importance to me and having genuine discussions like this are like stepping on eggshells around many people

anyway lets get you some latkes and maybe youll feel better

[lostandfem]

hii feel free to ignore if this is invasive but i kinda need advice! i am still trans identified publicly but in the paat year come to understand myself as a woman again - yet i still feel agonised over the way my body looks. its so hard cos i dont want to be a man, i just wanna look like one, and i have these impulses like once a day when i consider starting T or binding again, if i see an actor or musician that i think is inspiring (i like a lot of female artists and make concious effort to engage but i just dont want to emulate them in the same way) 😐 i cant shake this at all. its not even that i think im Male inside so all the stuff about 'never truly being a man' doesnt help me get rid of these thoughts. neither does telling myself that i wont look like the males i idolise as i know multiple ftms in real life who pass amazingly and that has convinced me i could too. do u have any tips shaking this compulsion? i know hormones and surgery wouldnt be good for my body but its just not getting through

not invasive dw haha. ive had a similar feeling, and for me i think ive narrowed it down to feeling like my female body is going to be perceived a certain way. like for example, if you consider a male musician but then mentally create another musician who is exactly the same in all regards but is visibly female, it feels different. ‘female’ is taken into account as a personality trait almost. and i personally got tired of it and wished i could be considered in a neutral light for all my other traits without the modifier ‘female’ on top of it.

it helps to try to understand the logic behind your feelings because then you can try to counteract it. you cant do much for others considering your female body as a non-neutral thing, but you can try to teach yourself to view it neutrally and understand that other peoples views of it are wrong. when you look at your body, what beliefs about yourself arise? do you feel trapped? do you feel weaker? or try the opposite— if you had a male body, what beliefs about yourself would you have and how do they differ from what you think of yourself now? from there you can begin to tackle any negative connotations you associate with being female that act as barriers to you being happy in your body

thats just whats been working for me so far anyway. im not anything close to a therapist so take it with a grain of salt. hope i was able to help tho

[shrinkingpower]

high thoughts 6/26

I think my ED is a distraction from confronting and processing my trauma. i am my own barrier to healing. What I wonder is will i ever get out of my own way? can i convince myself that i am worth healing?

Counting calories, obsessively and compulsively body checking, and focusing on making the numbers on the scale drop feels far better than actually feeling. It feels terrible but really facing and feeling the emotions Im running from sounds so much worse.

I know I dont want to keep hurting, but its all i have ever known. How I deal with the pain isnt safe, but it is familiar. I know my own pain like the back of my hand. I dont know who I would be without it and Im scared to find out.

Healing might be more terrifying than my demons. I know I have a problem but I refuse to change. Then that makes me an addict, right? And Im addicted to feeling like I have control over something, anything, when everything else feels like its on fire.

Recovery feels impossible because everything IS on fire: my personal life, my mental health, my family, the country I live in. It feels like an expectation that I don’t think Ill every be able to live up to. that I can heal and accept myself, my past, and all of the things that burned me down to the bone. But how do I lick my wounds and heal the burns when im still trapped inside a house on that is on fire?

[self-h-rmageddon]

i used to be able to just like. yap for eternity like, it was my favorite thing ever!!

just go somewhere and TALK talk alone, talk for no one, talk til i had nothing to say anymore but recently ive noticed it makes me feel.. worse? like. i was supposed to just JERK OFF AND GO TO BED like . at 9 pm last night 💀 and i stayed up til like 3 am, ive just been talkin and i watched a movie, that was nice.. i miss it? something inside of me is really really sad right now and i cant quite figure out why. its like a weird puzzle, trying to navigate my brain cuz like i KNOW something wrong, but what? whats bothering me? idont understand. maybe im scared of annoying people again, but.. was i scared of that before too? i dont remember if i was or not. what do i even miss? i dont know, i miss? i dont know what i miss. i miss something, probably

maybe thats whats bothering me, i feel like ive lost something, do i feel like ive lost the ability to be comfortable just.. talking ? maybe a little.. some people followed me after i posted my spamton art and anytime that sort of thing happens, i always feel . i feel so horribly guilty!!! youve followed me for that, not to hear me chatter endlessly about whatever comes to my mind. i know i shouldnt care, but im just scared of annoying people, cuz i really do love to talk!!! i love talking about things i like, but.. something is holding me back? it feels like it, i dont know why. i think its just mental barriers. i was so up front and proud of how much i love spamton g spamton, how much i love A LOT of characters. then i made friends and i felt ashamed and embarrassed. is that all it takes? once you have a set of eyes on you that matters, you fold? i feel like that about a lot of things, maybe thats one of the reasons ive been quieter than im used to being

i think im scared, i think it scares me to imagine ever saying anything and having them be like. "eugh." like?? death id prefer death. without them even asking for it ive just kinda cut bits and pieces off to save myself from POTENTIAL rejection, the. i just want to be someone that is adored, as selfish as it is, of course ill change to get that

i think it sorta.. i . its hard to explain, but loving people when you have bpd feels like you will never ever be loved equally, because i have endless devotion and admiration, theres hardly a single thing i dont love about the people i care about, to the point where its a fault. ive let people get away with terrible things, just cuz i loved them so much i didnt care what happened to me. and sometimes it hurts real bad when i remember that the way i love isnt normal, no one could ever love me like that. its why im on edge, the fear of saying something wrong, the fear of cracking this image. they like me, dont they? what if i say something wrong and for even a small second they like me just a little bit less? it makes me chest hurt just thinking about it, its terrifying. if they like me less for a second, maybe.. the rose tinted glasses will shatter, maybe theyll realize im not all that great, maybe itll be over, gone, DONE. finished, ended . dead. i dont want that, its logical to do everything i can to avoid that right?

terrible fate, thats how i see it. the end of all things. worst possible thing to ever happen to me. id rather relive all my trauma over again than lose anyone, id rather anything else. the way i feel is extreme, but. im known for that i guess 💀 its fear, im scared. scared, what if im annoying? i get afraid of annoying STRANGERS, of course im terrified to annoy my best friends. annoying, maybe when im talking to myself about shit they dont care about, its just filler words. garbage, static , words from my mouth and it means nothing to them. isnt that thought so scary? it is to me, i hang on to every word, every stupid joke, every laugh and .

what do i feel now? im working myself up over something that hasnt even happened. ive upset myself over the IDEA of a problem, the thought that maybe something might be wrong. whatever. i think i have this intense loathing for myself, thats the thing?

with bpd, you split. yr thinking isnt clear, its black and white. painful, so painful, but.. im not some mindless monster that just lashes out. thats terrifying, id have no one if i did that right? so i split on myself instead, all that anger and pain is directed at me from inside, it rips me apart. suddenly i can see every flaw, every annoying thing ive ever done every awkward sentence, every joke that didnt land. every opportunity, every single thing that could take it all away from me. as innocent as they are it seems like genuinely theres these big ugly lacerations on my body every time i feel like im possibly maybe not being as charming as id hope to be, ugly scars that ward people off, my blood gets everywhere and it grosses them out, they scoot away an inch for every cut. i know its not true.. i make friends with good people!! the best people, it just.. its what im scared of, which in my eyes means that its true because if im scared of it, there msut be a reason why im scared ofit? it must be actively happening! every rejection of my being is a step closer to abandonment, i g

ive been doing really good, i think. im not so scared of being abandoned because ive been reassured over and over again and i dont have the heart to think past all that work thats been done for me. ive hardly thought about it, anytime i get scared i just remember the things that have been said to me, how secure my place is here. its true, surely.. but this fear is natural for me. its 2nd nature, this fear puts actions in motion to prevent abandonment. fear keeps me safe, keeps me in that little box i think people want me in. the little box that says im okay! im a good person, every aspect of me they can see in the box is enjoyable, who cares if i feel like i need to cut some pieces off to fit there?

i know in my heart its not what they want. im moving too fast, im bracing again. i just get scared, maybe im just needy. what, i need eyes on me? need to feel seen and appreciated with everything i do? if nothing else, at least THAT is 100% selfish, ive been doing better recently... but sometimes its hard not to fall back on those instincts

[nahalism]

howwwww ddid you manage to study and get a darned degree within a scheduled academic reality with your impulsive and random spurges of energy/inspiration¿¡ is it survivable most of my friends r systematic, somehow collected, motivated in a beauutiful steady way that’s typically required in higher ed and i just¡ do not¡ relate¡ loove you hope you are breathing easy🫶🏻🫶🏻

lool man.

the truth is, i did get the degree, but the process was not as heroic as ur question makes it sound. the determination to finish came from a genuine passion for literature, but also cause i didnt want to drop out and have debt, but no degree to show for it. everytime i looked for an excuse to quit, i had my mum telling me 'i only had a year left and could pursue what i wanted to when i was done'. — she was right, but i dont think right means it was the only way to do things. i think my approach was courageous, but also very based in fear and lack of self believe. so whilst i dont regret it, and its part of what got me to build that self believe and faith over fear, there are times i question if dropping out and pursuing my 'spurges of inspiration' would have been the braver and more rewarding choice. it may or may not have been, but i cant answer that cause its not the path i chose.

how i did it was a matter of programming my mind. sounds cliche, but as ive said before i fanaticised over ways i could effectively 'hack my mind' so that regardless of what i thought felt and was going thru, i could not just perform, but overcome the barriers that made it hard for me to perform. (i have a ask with book recommendations and loads of those books were part of the resources that saw me thru). that process was ugly at times, full of extreme stress, insomnia, extreme highs, crazy lows, smatterings of episodes where i was so exhausted and had pushed my body, psyche and emotional state to such extremes that i was full on out of it and a shell of a person. i was sent to my uni therapist and psychiatrist multiple times, and my family were concerned for my wellbeing. i spoke to my professors one on one maybe a maximum of two times. i barely had friends and a social life because my mental state was so poor, and the friends i did have i was constantly paranoid about losing cause i felt like i had no energy to meet up with them call them or maintain a relationship with them. i had consistent insomnia and near to no quality life. and i pursued art, writing and non degree related passions only because i sacrificed doing the other stereotypical university things my friends were doing.

im not saying this to be a victim. i rate myself highly and respect myself for what ive been able to achieve, but i dont want to say all the good w out contextualising the reality of how bad it actually was. i love learning but the the institution of education itself was hell for me 2 b honestly quite insufferable. i dont know how i survived if not for sheer will

the only advice i can give you is try to have a schedule. dont compare yourself to others, just do your best, find what your passionate about re: your degree, set a personal goal of what you want to achieve, and hold on to that blindly. have people around you that will let you break down and vent about what your finding difficult without judgement. & its awkward but if you can find someone in ur unis pastoral care department that knows what your going thru and will check in to see if your doing good or struggling. above everything, life is short and not promised. follow ur urged and ur inspiration cause thats the only thing thats real and only thing that will keep ur spirits up when times are hard. skills and experience are more important than degrees

sending u a huge hug and all the luck in the world. it might be hard but its not impossible!!! u got this

[stahfakz]

12/3/23

Woke up feeling mentally clearer this morning. As much as I love going into the depths of fantasy land with M, it's effecting my mental health, especially when I need to focus on raising my kid, which im physically struggling with coping with at the moment, like housework, etc.

I sm going to admit I have VERY strong feelings for him, magnetically attracted to him physically, emotionally, and intellectually, I also understand that we're connected on some kind of psychic, soul-mate level, however until he shows me his feelings towards me, than I cannot continue to drag my feelings all over the place waiting for him.

Also, im unclear if you even slightly care about me. I have to wait until tuesday to determine how much you dont care.

Yes, I am experiencing some minor jealousy as you and our new tm seem to get along really well, and its effecting my confidence.

Also, you've told me you will quit if old tm comes back and, and you never reply to my messages.

I sometimes get the distinct feeling you absolutely don't care and it hurts a lot.

My emotions are all over the place because of this, so i have to try and let this imaginary infatuation go.

And then the other side of it is, i wish we could break through that communication barrier that clearly wants us to tell each other how we feel, express our love for each other physically. God, that would be bliss.

Why is this shit so hard?

Why isnt it easy?

Why cant you just come out and tell me how you feel?

How long is this going to go on for?

Do you even feel anything?

Or am I just one of the bros?

Why cant this be real?

Do you know how long ive waited for something like this?

Theres so many things ive wanted to tell you, thats why i reached out to you on fb, as i wanted to talk only to you about my dad, but you're so unavailable.

This is why i question, wtf am i doing waiting for you?

I need a man that can handle my pain, is emotional, sensitive and caring, and who im physically attracted to, and i thought that was you.

Please just let me know.

Do I wait for you, or do I let you go?

I cam imagine if your feelings are just as strong as mine, how we've connected so deeply, how hard it would be to loose a friendship like this.....but you're not giving me any signs and its been about 10 months.

Shit doesnt normally take this long.

Just fucking tell me so I can either move on or embrace this.

[millenialfanfictionaddiction]

Go Go Let's Go! Let's Go! Dateko! (Pt 3)

⚠️THIS FIC IS 18+ NSFW, MINORS DNI ⚠️

Warnings: angst, swearing, fluff, smut mentioned

Word count: 7,000 +

You wake up the next morning fully exhausted.

After yet another round before you both cooked dinner, you ended dinner with Takuro fucking you against the wall as you gushed around his cock.

You hadn't fucked that much since you were in your early 20s. And for a man in his late 40s, Takuros stamina was unmatched.

It took you an hour to pack up and leave because he had to fuck you again in the bedroom and on the couch.

"I seriously can't get enough of you" He says as he walks you to your car.

"Well we will definitely be having more sleep overs very soon" you say as he kisses you.

"Dont leave" he says, hugging you tightly "Please stay"

"Taku I can't Kenji will be home soon" you say as you places kisses on his neck.

"When are we going to tell him Y/N? He deserves to know" Takuro said

He was right. Kenji needed to know.  The last thing you wanted was to lie to your son,

"I'll talk to him tonight ok" you say as Takuro smiles at you and kisses you goodbye.

You arrive home grabbing your bag from the car. You hope Kenji isn't home yet as you approach your house. You see a light on.

fuck

You open the door and walk in.

"Hi Kenji, sorry I'm late. I was at grandma and gran-" you say as you look up to see your son glaring at you.

"Kenji are you ok?" You say with concern on your face.

"Oh I don't know mom. How would you feel if you saw your mother kiss your coach in public?" He says as your eyes widen.

"Thought I was going to grab some snacks but turns out I got a whole ass meal in the form of my mother making out with my volleyball coach! What in the actual fuck mom? How long? How long have you been lying to me?" He screams at you as you shutter back

You've never seen your son so angry as he is right now.

"It's one thing for you to come to out games Mom but for you to date my coach?? Seriously mom that's too far" Kenji screams at you as you stand there absorbing it all.

"I mean Jesus Christ mom! You couldn't go an date some other random man! Why can't you just get your own life! Instead you have to fuck my coach! I hate you!" He screams as he stomps to his room slamming his door.

You can't say anything. You're completely frozen.

He hated you. The words swarmed your mind over and over 

Had you going out with Takurō really affected Kenji this much? You feel your eyes begin to swell as tears began to roll down your cheeks. You turn, slowly moving to your room as you feel the tears begin to fall faster.

You didn't sleep much that night. Not at all really. You couldn't believe you broke you child's trust like that. You hated yourself and hated that you made him so uncomfortable. 

 You had to talk to Takuro. You sent him an early text at 5am as you made your way to the kitchen. You noticed Kenji's door was still closed ad you made coffee and fruit to take to your room. You return to a message asking to meet you before morning practice.

You get dressed and leave the house without a sound. You try to be as quiet as you can be as to not disturb your sleeping kid. I've already messed up his life enough I don't want to mess up his sleep you say to yourself as you get in your car and drive to the school. It's 6:00am by the time you arrive. Takurō is already waiting for you.

You get out of your car as he notices the tears spilling from your eyes.

"Y/N what's wrong is everything ok?" He rushes to you and pulls you into a hug. Your tears completely drowning out everything, including the preying eyes of a certain 2nd year manager as she approaches the side of the school.

 Mai stops when she sees you and the coach. She hears you crying and backs up next to the gym to listen.

"I'm sorry Takuro but I can't keep seeing you" you say as yu look at him with tears streaming down your face.

"I don’t understand Y/N I thought-" Takuro says concerned

"Kenji found out about our dates. Apparently he saw us with a few members of the team. He was really upset and told me I need to stay out of his school life" you say as your tears begin to flow quicker.

Takuro pulls you into a hug. He doesn't want you to be upset

"Y/N let me talk to him please I want to be with you" Takuro says as he pulls away placing his hand under your chin.

"Takuro no please he already hates me enough. I can't lose my son. He's right I should have never pryed in his life. I'm so sorry Takuro. I really like you but I can't do this to Kenji" you say as you back up to gave him.

Takuro is devastated to say the least. The women he cares so deeply for is forced to make a choice because he had crossed the line between parent and coach.

"No Y/N, it's my fault. I'm sorry that this happened. I don't blame you. If anything this is my fault. I should have been more responsible. You are Kenji's mom and I'm his coach. It was inappropriate" he says as he looks down.

Somehow it hurt even more to hear Takuro say those words. You knew he cared for you but he was trying to take the burden of your son's blame off of you.

Meanwhile Mai is both crying and furious. 

Could Kenji really be this big of an ass?

"Thank you for supporting the boys Y/N. It was a pleasure" Takuro says as he waves to you turning to walk towards the gym.

You get in your car as you start to drive home. The tears consistently rolling down your cheeks. You park the car as you completely lose your cool. You start beating on the steering wheel screaming and crying as you let all your pent up emotions out.

you're neighbors probably think your insane

After 15 minutes you walk in the house, noticing Kenji's door is open. You decide to leave him be as you make your way to your room still sniffling from your car melt down. 

You walk into your room and lay down. You've already called out of work for the day as you feel like you just mentally can't do it. You lay in bed as you feel the emotions take over again.

Meanwhile Kenji arrives at school. He's still mad about his discovery of yours and his coaches relationship. He can't believe you would do such a thing to him. To invade his personal life like that.

Coach doesn't say anything though out practice. Kenji figures his mom already has him in her side through this whole ordeal. Why wouldn't he be?

"Mai can you tell coach we need to get the jerseys altered" Kenji says to Mai as she watches coach look to Kenji and walk out of the gym.

"Tell him yourself" Mai says snarkily as she turns away.

"Mai just do it" Kenji says "i’m not in the mood today"

"Why because you’re ashamed you made your mom cry" Mai yells as the team stops.

Mai looks at Kenji and she's pissed.

"You know you have the sweetest kindest mom in the entire world and she's happy. But you can't have that can you Kenji because you're a massive ass" Mai screams.

Kenji is heated. He doesn't know how Mai found out but he isn't going to take being yelled at.

"Mai you have no idea what you're even talking about so just butt out" Kenji screams at her and Aone walks in from of Mai forming a protective barrier.

"It's ok Aone. I'm not scared of Kenji" she says as steps in front of Aone "you know what I saw this morning Kenji? I saw your mom and coach in the parking lot. And your mom was crying. Like hard core crying telling coach that she couldn't see him anymore."

Mai is shouting at Kenji as Kenji just stares.

You were really crying? And worse is he caused it? 

"You know Kenji your mom goes out of her way to do everything for this team! Coach shows interest in her and she likes him back and suddenly its an attack on you?" Mai is screaming at this point, tears flowing down her face.

The team watches in shock. They have never seen Mai this angry before.

"Newsflash asshole you're mom is allowed to be happy! She told coach she couldn't see him anymore because of you! She told him she didn't want to hurt YOU KENJI. Your mom is heartbroken and she's worried because he son is upset because she's happy? Give me a fucking break!" Mai screams one last time as she turns to walk out of the gym, slamming the door behind her.

The boys stand in silence. Kenji is shocked.

you really liked coach that much and you really cared enough about him to ruin whatever you and coach had going on?

The team turns as they shake their heads in disbelief at Kenji, even Aone shows emotion.

"You are the only one who sees an issue here Kenji" he speaks as he walks back to join the team.

Kenji walks out of the gym doors as he slides down the outer walls. He really was being an ass. He didn't care about your feelings only his own personal standings as the captain of the iron wall.

He got up walking to the coaches office. He knocks as Takuro directs him to enter.

Takuro looks up at Kenji and back to his paperwork. He doesn't sound good. He sounds like he's upset.

"Yes Futakuchi" Takuro chokes out.

Kenji clears his throat "do you really care about her?"

Takuro looks up from his work spinning around his in chair.

"I do but she made it clear that you come first. As a good mother should. You are really lucky to have her. She cares for your very deeply and she loves you so very much" he says she he swivels around facing his work with his arms resting in his desk as his hands lean against his forehead

"I see" he says as he crosses his arms in front of his chest "then I guess I owe you both an apology".

Takuro turns in his chair to see a soft smiling Kenji as a smile slowly appears on his face. 

The day seems to drag on. It's only 4pm but it feels like you've been in bed for days. You decide to get up and shower, planning to make dinner before Kenji comes home. He might not want to speak with you but you're still his mother.

You shower and walk to the kitchen to prepare dinner. You start to sniffle again as you try not to let it go into a full blown cry session. You hear the door open as you continue to cut up vegetables.

You don't hear anything as you look up to see your tall son leaning against the door frame to the kitchen with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

You smile lightly as you try not to cry more. The tears seem to flow no matter how hard you try to control them.

"Mom" Kenji says in a sweet voice.

You look up smiling at him as you wipe your tears "Oh hi sweetheart how was practice?"

He frowns walking over to you as he hugs you from behind. No longer being able to control the tears you turn around hugging your son as you crying into his shoulder.

"Kenji I'm so sorry. Please forgive me! I didn't mean to ruin your life. I just got excited and-" you say as your tears continue to wet his date tech tracksuit.

"Mom stop ok" Kenji says as he pulls away placing hands on your shoulders.

"Mom I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I was a complete ass to you. I didn't even listen to your side of the story" he says as he looks at you ashamed "you've done so much for me and I ruined your happiness."

"It's ok baby I overstepped my boundaries. I'm sorry" you say as you hug him.

"Mai told me what happened with you and coach" Kenji said sweetly as he looks at your shocked face.

"M-Mai was there" you say as your eyes widen.

"Yeah and I'm glad she was. She told me what happened. She told me you told coach you couldn't see him" Kenji said looking down at you.

"It's ok Kenj. Coach was ok with it. He understood you came first" you say sweetly.

"Well Im not ok with it" Kenji says as he pulls away from you walking towards your front door. He opens the door for someone as your eyes widen.

"T-Takuro?" you say as you place your hands over your mouth.

"Hi Y/N" he says as he goes to hug you. You hug him back as you cry into this shoulder.

"Shh it's ok Y/N" he says as you break from the hug.

"Kenji?" you say questioningly to your son

"Mom I realized your happiness is more important than my reputation" he says as he looks at both you and coach.

"Kenji" you say as you start to cry yet again going to hug your son "you're really ok with this?"

"Yeah mom. I'm happy if your happy. Now go get ready. Coach is taking you out on a date or whatever" he says as he rolls his eyes and waves his hand walking go his room.

"Really" you say as you run back to Takuro and he chuckles. "Yes sweetheart" he says as he leans down the kiss you.

"God I'm never going to get use to this" Kenji says as he closes his bedroom door.

You both laugh as you deepen the kiss with the man of your affections.

*2 days later*

"Oh Ms. Futakuchi! It's so nice to see you" Obara shouts as Kenji rolls his eyes walking the complete other way as you and Takuro stroll into practice hand in hand.

"Thank you! It's nice to see you too" you smile.

"I see Mai got through to Kenji" Obara smirks as the rest of the team laughs.

"Alright time for laps" Kenji screams clapping his hands together trying to avoid the inevitable

"Wait what did Mai say?" You look at Kenji as he hides his face then to coach who starts laughing.

Mai was looking down at the floor, softly smiling.

"Well our sweet Mai laid in hard to ole Kenji. She told him he was being an ass and told him that you deserved the world" he says as he grabs your waist.

"Mai" you say as your mouth gapes and your eyes sparkle "Thank you!"

You run to hug her as she hugs you back.

"Marry this one Kenji! I like her a lot more than I like you" you snicker as you turn to leave practice.

Kenji just smiles as you walk hand in hand with Coach out of the gym.

"Whatever you say mom. Whatever you say"

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Out Of The Blue - Part 3

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

Word Count: 1300+

Summary: Reader has some exciting news to share with her longtime boyfriend Chris but what happens when he beats her to it with some news of his own?

A/N: I think i got everyone who asked to be tagged, if i didnt please send me an ask so i dont loose it 🤣

Please like/comment/share 💕

Hearing Chris's voice i pushed back my chair and made my way to the front door.

"She's not here" i heard Alex say as i got closer.

"Come on man, its important...."

"Alex it's fine, i'll be okay" i spoke up. I saw Chris sigh with what looked like relief?... but it was quickly replaced with a look of regret, maybe a little fear. Good!

"I'll just be in there" he pointed back towards the dining room " if you need me...."

"I'll let you know" i smiled. Alex eyed Chris once more before reluctantly retreating.

"How'd you find me?" I asked crossing my arms, it was kinda like my protective barrier.... he hated when i did this.

"Um, you used your card for gas.... a notification came up on your iPad. I looked up the gas station and drove out there. I asked the cashier if she'd seen you...."

"Great" i rolled my eyes, making a mental not to turn of my notifications!

"She said she remembered you coming in because you looked exhausted and she tried to get you to stay in a motel. But that you told her you only had an hours journey... thats when i kinda figured this was where you were. I didn't think you'd come this far to be honest".

"Was kinda the point"

Chris nodded sadly realising that i came here because i knew he wouldn't think id drive all the way out to Chelsea's.

"I know I'm the last person you wanna see right now, but Y/N we need to talk about some stuff...."

"Not here, i don't want the kids hearing" i said stepping outside and walking across the street to where his car was parked.

Once we were both in the car i turned to face him trying to keep myself from crying, because my god that was all i wanted to do!

"So what do you wanna talk about.... how you cheated on me??"

"I made the biggest mistake of my life. Its over i promise you.... it was never serious, but what i was doing.... it should never had happened!!"

"You slept with someone else of course it shouldn't have happened!!" I shouted.

"I never slept with her!!"

"What??!"

"I never slept with her i promise!"

"But you said you've been seeing someone!"

Chris nodded running his hand over his bearded jaw "it wasn't about sex, we just connected on an emotional level....I didnt even realise it was a problem at first...."

he sighed "but i found myself seeking her out when i was having a bad day. When things got hard with us.... we'd been trying everything to get pregnant and it just wasn't happening"

"You confided in her??! About our relationship?..."

"I was stressed and i blamed myself..... i felt like i was letting you down. I felt us drifting apart...." he told me sadly "i don't even know when it happened. But i started spending a lot of time with her...."

"And less time with me. All while i was sitting waiting for you to come home like an idiot! I know it was hard trying to get pregnant Chris but thats no excuse for you doing this! You should have come to me!" I turned my head away to wipe away some stray tears that managed to escape.

"Please don't cry dahlin'...."

"How can i not??....."

"Tell me how i can make this right? I don't want to loose you...."

"Im not sure you can. Chris do you have any idea how this makes me feel?? I feel like I'm not enough for you..."

"You are! I promise you, you are enough..."

"Clearly im not or we wouldn't be having this conversation!"

"So thats it? You're just gonna give up on us?"

"I wasn't the one who gave up on us. My god Chris, i would've done anything for you..... you were my world!"

"And now?....."

"Right now i can't even stand looking at you" i said sadly "my heart is in pieces..... i still can't wrap my head around the fact you did this. Its so out of the blue..... i thought we were happy" I cried into the sleeve of my jumper "i was so excited to tell you i was finally pregnant...... this baby couldn't have happened at a worser time. This should be one of the happiest days of my life but its been anything but happy".

"Will you just come home, please? We can sort this out...."

"I can't. I think we need some time apart"

"No..." he cried, tears running down his face "baby please don't leave me...."

"Go home Chris" i said quickly as i opened the door and stepped out.... i was in such a rush to get away from him that i didn't see the SUV coming towards me.

"Y/N!!!!" Was the last thing i heard before everything went black.

"Y/N!.... Y/N wake up....." i could hear Chris' voice as i slowly opened my eyes.

"Chris.....?"

"Yeah baby its me, you were dreaming" he said quietly as his hand stroked up and down my back. It was then that i realised i was laying in bed with Chris' arms around me.

It had all been a dream??!

I suddenly burst into tears, sobbing into Chris' bare chest.

"Hey.... hey whats wrong?" He asked tightening his hold on me "is it your dream?"

I nodded as i continued to cry "it was h..horrible! It felt so real...."

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"No. Chris let go of me.... i think I'm gonna be sick...." i pulled out of his arms and ran to the en suite. I made it just in time before i spilled my guys into the toilet.

Once the sickness passed i headed downstairs telling Chris i needed a minute to myself. I knew it was a dream... he hadn't actually done anything wrong, but i was pissed at Chris and felt ridiculous! I was sitting on the sofa under a blanket holding a warm mug of Chamomile tea when he came walking in. He hovered in the doorway for a minute before finally coming to sit next to me on the sofa.

"Look i'm not sure what i did to piss you off but will you come back to bed please? You know i hate sleeping without you"

"You haven't done anything wrong" i reached out and took his hand "that dream just really shook me up"

"Talk to me.... you might feel better if you talk about it"

"I... i found out i was pregnant...."

"Dahlin, its gonna happen i promise...." he quickly added thinking that was the reason i was so upset, because that part of my dream was real.... we'd been trying to get pregnant for so long now but it just wouldn't take.

"Thats not what got to me..... i found out i was pregnant but before i got to tell you, you came home from work and told me you had been seeing someone else. It felt so real...."

"Sweetheart....." Chris looked at me sadly tightening his hold on my hand "it was just a dream. I would never do that to you.... you're my world. Id be lost without you"

"It was horrible Chris! It felt so real! I left and went to Chelsea' but you tracked me down..... we were arguing in your car one minute, the next I'm getting out to leave and i got hit by a car! then i woke up...."

"I know it felt real, but its not. Im not going anywhere, you're stuck with me"

He pulled me in and pressed a tender kiss to my lips "i love you".

"I love you too".

"Sweetheart?.... are you crying again?"

"Yes!" I cried loudly, my god i was a mess! Chris chuckled softly.

"You're not still pissed at me because of your dream are you?"

"No! Im just very emotional!"

"Okay don't get mad at me but, are you sure you're not pregnant?".

I sat up straight on the sofa and stopped crying long enough to think about when i had my last period.

"Oh my god.... i'm late" i gasped, I was never late! "Do you think this is really it?"

"I hope so dahlin!" Chris replied with a huge smile.

Everything taglist: @jesseswartzwelder @dumblani @barnesandrogersworld @patzammit @rynabarnesrogers-reading @rainbowkisses31 @rororo06 @supernaturalwintersoldier @hiddelstannerbarnes @bellamy-barnes @buchanansebba @rosalynshields @turtoix @dottirose

Out Of The Blue tags: @kenzieam @ilovetheeagles @mrspeacem1nusone @kawairinrin @coldmuffinpartycloud @memoriesat30 @idk123906 @thummbelina @uniquebeautyqueen

[love4hobi]

dont really want to add to the negativity but i just had to bring this up, last year when joon came live on his birthday he expressed his mixed feelings over the success of dynamite and said he’d been wondering how true the sentiment that music could overcome language boundaries was

he really!! came online and said it out loud! he was upfront about a topic that a good portion of us were wondering about

and i saw hardly anyone talk about it? of course joon seemed to have come to terms with his feelings by butter since he felt like he’d stopped taking shit during the interviews and stuff

but the way it was not at all talked about by the fandom. really

and this one thing is enough imo to tell us that they werent satisfied with dynamite either, if their solo work isnt enough proof

and hundred percent agree about them seeming tired, rather have them get a proper break than get a million performances of the same song

thank u for giving me the link i was really interested to hear what he said!! and even though i read your ask before watching it i was still surprised at how honest he was and i can also see why armys wouldnt be eager to bring up what he said lol. when he said

“"Music truly transcends every barrier like language" Even while I was saying that I questioned myself if I indeed believe this. Some songs are great even if you don't know the lyrics, songs made better by knowing them, and songs made worse. Lyrics of course are important in a song, but music is fundamentally aural. The auditory aspect and the especially the visual aspect of songs these days.”

idk i could be misunderstanding but to me its like yea how /could/ that statement be true if they were only able to finally get the billboard #1 with an all english song like if that were true black swan wouldve gotten the dynamite treatment she rightfully deserved! ✊ and that it doesnt really matter what their english singles sound like aurally as long as theyre in english :/ and then you didnt mention this but a little later when he said

“I still love music. Just walking and humming a tune makes me happy and still feel I can't live without it. But I still want to rekindle what I had before at first. That purity. Different from going back to my roots. Rekindle what I used to love what gave me mental satisfaction back then.”

that was just like. woah. i think that could be interpreted in different ways but in the context of dynamite/ the english singles i think its just really telling the fact he felt strongly enough to say that in a log posted to bangtantv… idk but thank u for bringing this up it was actually kind of reassuring to hear especially from him? because of course we dont know how they all feel about the direction theyve taken but its nice to hear from joon specifically like u said cus he mediates between them and the company and is more involved in producing n whatnot. but yea also like u said i feel like their solo work alone is enough reason to believe they may not be fully behind the songs theyve been putting out lately. like mono is one of my fav albums of all time its so beautiful, and obvi d-2 and hope world are just so amazing and well made as well, and so in my head its almost a little rude? that armies would just accept that dynamite and ptd and butter are the best the boys can do when theyve shown us in the past how much more dedicated they are to their passion than to put out generic pop songs. but then theyve also put out songs in the past that fit into that same sort of genre but are actually good.. like boy with luv? dimple? dna? run?? why not just make another song like that and then have only the lyrics written by someone else in english or something idek. but dont feel stupid for being upset it is really frustrating just because we know how much better they are and its annoying to watch them waste their time on the industry that will probably still not pay them any mind anyway :/ armies can stream obsessively all they want but theyre still just that, streams, and it doesnt mean the gp or the grammys or whoever is gonna pay anymore attention to them,,, so why not just go back to making good music ? :DDDD

[violentviolette]

Have you ever studied these disorders at psych school and then became a therapist for decades to work with these personality disorders and victims of them? Then don't speak for the rest of the aspd/npd community. You people gaslight so much. I've worked with them for so many years and I can vouch for these victims of narcissistic and antisocial/sociopathic abuse. It is very easy for people with these disorders to fall into abusive, controlling, manipulative behaviors unlike every other disorder.

not that its needed because this information is readily availble online to study and learn and needing some classist barrier of a degree to speak with any authority on a subject as subjective as mental health is bullshit, but for the record yes. i do. i have a bachelors in behavioral sociology and 4 years experience working in a counseling center

ontop of that i did an additional 4 years of abuse recovery inensive therapy, a dbt program, and anger management. ontop of having been in standard talk therapy since i was 12, so most of my life. i know intimately and extensively how abuse opporates, manifests, and works from both sides, both as someone who was abused and recovered as well as someone who abused others and changed my behavior. so dont worry about how qualified i am to speak on my own lived experience and readily available knowelege

if ur truly working with npd and aspd clients than i really hope theyre able to find help and get out from under your abusive and harmful treatment so that they can recieve real help from people who have their best interests in mind and who treat them compassionately instead of looking at them like monsters

ur literally admitting that u treat ur narcissistic and anitsocial patients as inherently more capable of abuse than other disorders. so what happens when u have a narcissitic patient whose being abused (which is overwhelmingly the most likely case as over 90% of people with cluster b disorders are abuse victims)? are u going to be less likely to believe them and instead blame them for their abuse? what about if u have a bipolar patient who is abusing their partner? are u going to be less critical of their behavior and more forgiving because bipolar patients dont “fall into controlling, manipulative, and abusive behaviors” as easily??

ur a genuine danger to real life people not because of any of ur traits, of which i know none, but because of ur concious willful actions and stubborn insistance on supporting junk science akin to antivaxx rhetoric and i hope ur patients get real help for the harm uve almost certainly caused them.

[runephoenix6769]

ATLAB / LOK and Nickelodeon’s Enforced Gendered Viewership.

https://thesummoningdark.tumblr.com/post/619001411756310528/gayna-scully-prokopetz-silkktheshocka With regards to this long ass post. (And I’m gonna slightly deviate from the original topic.) The really messed up thing with Nick, with concern to Korra. I read somewhere that when they were first doing concept designs for LOK, that the Nick execs railed against a female avatar cause they thought/(wanted to market) Avatar Last Airbender as strictly a Boys show. When faced with the designs of a really buff, muscular Korra, Nick wasnt overly keen, because they thought her supposed lack of femininity would put boys off

They wanted her to be more feminine (even though Korra was meant to be a more physical Avatar in comparison to Aang.) And Mako would be more front and centre in aiding Korra. Guess what they found when they market tested the designs?  Girls were absolutely thrilled. And the boys? The boys couldn’t give two shits about Korra’s supposed lack of femininity. They loved the fact she could punch through shit. They thought Korra’s design was ‘cool’ and ‘badass’!

(my opinion) So whilst the Nick execs were all patting themselves on the back that their fucked up view and enforced gendering of viewer ship still carried some weight, they obviously didnt think to actually look/take on board the actual content of ATLAB and maybe wonder why exactly it was so immensely popular and who exactly the fandom base was made up of. 

ATLAB had some of the strongest, most well rounded female characters on tv at the time. There’s a reason why Azula, Katara and Toph are so popular. Why Suki, Ty Lee and Mai are so beloved.  

Not a single one of them is a damsel in distress. Hell, more often than not they handed the boys their ass in a fight.  Azula and Katara are bending masters in their respective element at 14 and Toph, a blind girl, at 11, in a world that it is heavily implied that most bending Adults have not reached that level of skill.  Toph creates her own off shoot of Earth Bending by being the first metal bender.  Azula is seen as an outlier by being able to create and bend lightening, never mind her signature and unique blue flame. Katara, under duress, masters  the rare ability to blood bend,  (being second person to do so that we know of in ATLAB) and has such a command of waterbending she can quite literally suck moisture out of the ground creating a barrier that torrential rain cannot penetrate. 

Even in the small snippet we get of Avatar Kyoshi, she is ruthless and takes no prisoners.  (and one of the main reasons why people have been clamoring for Kyoshi content spawning the books the ‘Rise of Kyoshi’ and the sequel that is following this year, ‘Shadow of Kyoshi’.)

If the Nick execs had cared to take notice of the themes and arcs of some of the characters they might have seen how part of Sokka’s character arc was growing from an ignorant misogynist to a young adult who learned over time and regularly took a hefty gulp of respect women juice.  (A message that the Nick Execs might have benefited from when dealing with LOK.)

Aang, the titular protagonist learns bending from two of his female peers and often defers to their superior skill and knowledge, until he masters them. Were the Nick execs that dense that they genuinely believed that all these amazing female characters, created by Bryke and colab narratives by Ehasz, were there to appeal only to boys?  To represent boys? The ratio of male to female main heroes/villains is 3 boys, 6 girls and 2 male adults. (one adult we dont even see until the last season.) The ATLAB fandom was massively made up of girls, and by virtue those girls would more than likely migrate to LOK, specifically because it was a female Avatar hoping for the same depth of character and positive representation, which makes Nick’s whole fucked up enforcing of gendered viewership all the more baffling.  Again, had the Nick Execs not watched ATLAB if they thought they could tout it as ‘just’ another action show and its subsequent spin off LOK?

ATLAB at it’s core is about the interpersonal relationships, the struggles one faces when growing up, dealing with dark themes in a way that kids can understand and older viewers can relate. The war is the back drop, the action part of the draw but not main spectacle. 

Had they not done their research, saw the trend of who exactly the audience consisted of and thought, ‘hey maybe its a good idea to maybe stop enforcing, dictating gendered viewership?’ and maybe not continue to labour under the belief that ‘girls dont like action’! Legend of Korra and ATLAB are still being discussed to this day and not only because it has the industry standard of redemption arcs by which all redemption arcs since have tried to emulate and hold a candle to. (SPOP I’m looking in your direction, congrats btw.) but also because of its representation, strong female characters and compelling villains.  Outside of Korra (/Asami), guess who are the most popular characters? Kuvira and Lin Beifong. 

Now getting back to the actual content of the OG post. There aint alot or ATLAB or LOK merch in general outside of comics and plushies.  (There was a poor attempt made at merchandsing on the M Night Shabigamoo’s god awful adaptation..... but shhhhhhhh, we aint even gonna get into that.) But of the merchandise that is available one in particular stands out as being in high demand.

I typed into google ‘Azula Funko Pop’ and this is the first image!  

(Look at that price, it’s insane!) 

Now that might be a case of price gouging because she was a US Gamestop exclusive but it in no way detracts from the fact that FUNKO POP is aware of just how popular Azula is therefore by virtue she is a prime candidate for exclusivity and would have collectors clamoring to buy her. 

Even Aang in the Avatar state isn’t an exclusive nor is the new Legend of Korra funkos that were meant to be released this June/July ,( which now might be pushed back Covid19 pending).

Now, who exact was Azula created for?  Yes, a foil for Zuko and a way to explore familial dysfunction, a mirror to what Zuko could have been if he hadn't been banished and had the support and guidance of his Uncle Iroh. Her subsequent mental breakdown is heart wrenching and a compelling take on what goes on underneath a villain’s impenetrable armor, that the ravages and victims of war are not just found in the body count. 

But for most of the show, Azula is flouncing round the world with her two more than capable and dangerous in their own right, sidekicks, Ty Lee and Mai thrashing the gAang for the most part, kicking ass and taking names whilst also successfully heading a relatively bloodless coup of Ba Sing Se.

How on earth with all that could Nick still be so bull headed as to continue to double down on maintaining it be a show strictly marketed to boys and then get pissed when it when girls flocked to it? And the comments made in the OG post are correct. Nick showed their displeasure by fucking around with LOK’s time slot on more than one occasion, claimed it’s ratings were dropping (no shit sherlock, wonder why?) before moving it to the web. (where ironically, it thrived.) and then they slashed it’s budget forcing Bryke to trim the animation in places, namely the outfits of the characters, so they could put the money towards the animation of scenes they had been building up to such as Korra’s style of metal bending, which would be more fluid given her OG element was water. 

Now imagine the show we might have gotten if Nick hadn’t been a bunch of arseholes, hadn’t tried to enforce their outdated misogynistic views and thrown a massive hissyfit? 

Roll on the live action re-imagining with Bryke at the helm. I’m sure Netflix wont be trying to claim or market it as ‘a show strictly for boys’! And thankyou to Bryke, for this.

[pigeonxp]

YGCMA songs and how they relate to c!Wilbur based off of yesterday’s lore (in my biased opinion)

This is so dumb and i literally don’t care. I can’t think about anything else other than doing this synopsis even tho like 28480329204 other people are going to do it. idc. 

(I listened to the songs earlier, and i’m also listening to them as i write the opinions. these are basically just my thoughts while listening tbh. im also not doing the full song, just some things i feel relate within each song)

- Jubilee Line

the lines at the beginning of the song, “hate to see you leaving / a fate worse than dying” could relate to how wilbur feels after tommy gets pulled back into the overworld. or, he could be referencing L’Manburg and how he hates to see his country leaving him (ouch). 

then we have the lines “your city gave me asthma / so thats why im fucking leaving / and your water gave me cancer / and the pavements hurt my feelings”. This could be in relation to L’Manburg as a whole. He put everything he had into L’Manburg and it only ended up hurting him in the end. yikes. 

now we have “shout at the wall / ‘cause the walls dont fucking love you” repeated. This could be in reference to when he said he was fucking kicking and screaming to get out of the train station. hes screaming and he doesnt care because it doesnt matter to him. it doesnt love him just like how the people of L’Manburg didnt love him. wilbur get therapy challenge.

so based on the lore from yesterday, we know that c!wilbur’s limbo was a train station (props to fanartists. i love you.), presumably the YCGMA album cover type deal. when he sings “Theres a reason / that London puts barriers on the tube line / theres a reason / that London puts barriers on the rails” repeated. if the train station looks like how they do on the album cover, there could be barriers where he is. maybe hes trying his best to just kill himself over again by jumping onto the tracks. just in an attempt to escape. jfc 

“theres a reason they fail”. he was still in the train station, wasnt he?

- Saline Solution

for this one, i feel like hes pretty far into the void and regretting his decision to have phil kill him. hes tired of being in a fucking train station for years on end. 

“i think this time im dying / im not melodramatic / im just pragmatic beyond any / reasoning for thinking ive got / fuckin rabies or something.” hes so fucking sick of being in this goddamn train station and he thinks hes dying. hes so pent up and sick of being there, maybe hes just in so much pain that he feels like hes dying. if hes been there for a while, hes probably bound to go crazy at some point, hence the “pragmatic beyond any reasoning.”

“I think ive lost my mind / blurring the fact and the fictions” this feels like he really does believe hes going crazy and is mixing up the things he really knows and the things his mind is creating for him. maybe this is when tommy first arrived and he cant tell if he real or not (thats a stretch but i figured id share it anyway.)

“I think ive made my choice / im a deceased playing victim / slip the face, slip the victory” he quite literally says that hes a deceased playing victim. hes literally saying hes dead HAHHAHAH anyway. maybe hes blaming himself again, because us c!wilbur apologists all know that hes very good at doing that.

“Sit secluded in hatred /.../” hes sitting in a fucking train station for god knows how long beating himself up over and over again and just hating himself. hes all alone. with himself. someone he fucking loathes.

this is honestly all i have for Saline Solution, but i will definitely add more later if i get different theories. 

- Since I Saw Vienna

This is my favorite song on the album and my comfort song so that could factor into this bit ahaha

im going to skip through this one a little bit and go to the line “The roads are my home, horizons my target / if i keep on moving, never lose sight of it / treating my memory of you like a fire, let it / burn out, don’t fight it, try to move on” this sounds like hes reminiscing on his home in L’Manburg and his presidency was something he relied on and he would fight to get it back, but now that hes dead and said that it should remain that way that he should just let it go. trying to move on from his symphony, forever unfinished. 

 “its been sixty weeks since i saw vienna / a bandage and a wide smile slapped across my face / ill pick up my hiking boots when i am ready / and ill put down my roots when im dead.” THESE LINES FUCK ME UP IN GENERAL BUT HOW THEY RELATE TO C!WILBUR RN IS JUST SUIBHYSBUSHDXNSKJDNHBD YK???? in the context that vienna is L’Manburg and he died, its saying that its been a long ass time since hes seen it and hes faking being okay about his death. he misses it but doesnt want to admit it. the picking up the hiking boots when hes ready is him moving on from his L’Manburg, and putting his roots down when hes dead is finally being okay with not living there/being an important part of it. he believed his death was the best for the people in L’Manburg and L’Manburg itself. it seems like hes still trying to convince himself. 

“Ill be gone then, for when you must be alone.” hes gone. hes dead. hes in the train station. he left the L’Manburgians alone and hes alone in his limbo. man. 

- Losing Face

this song is angry. hes so fucking angry. my thoughts are that this is about the following presidents after him. he feels like the L’Manburgians were happier without him and im pretty sure he believed that even when Schlatt was president. this is so evident in the lyric “Is he better than me?” Hes literally asking if the other presidents were better than he was. he doesnt believe he did everything he could to be the best president, even though we all know that he gave everything that he was into that country and then some. he broke himself for the L’Manburg but he doesnt believe hes enough. sheesh.

“Ive seen him / ive been him / ive felt the same way” even though he cant see the new presidents being president, he knows what its like. he knows that they might break under the pressure. hes been there. he knows how if feels. yikes. 

“Ive lost all meaning / ive lost my sense of hope” this feels like when he was nearing the end of L’Manburg when he blew it up, and that he feels like trying to win it back is pointless. he has no hope for it anymore, so why not give up? his mental state is already shit yk so i cant really blame him for feeling that way. 

“i dont care / i want you here / as long as youre happy, i dont care” this line. this fucking line. hes lost hope in being president, but he doesnt care. he just wants the L’Manburgians to be happy. that was his whole thought process while he was president. he didnt matter to himself, he just wanted them to be happy. he sacrificed his mental state for them. cries in wilbur apologist.

- Your Sister Was Right

this is my second favorite song on the album i think HAHAHAH

anyway

“I use everyone i ever meet / i cant find the perfect match / abuse those i love / while i ostracize the ones who love me / back.” wowie wow wow fucking ouchie. He feels like he uses his friends. this whole thing is a projection of his shit ass mental state rn fucking hell. he feels like hes abusive. thats what everyones been telling him. they tell him he was awful and a shit president and all that jazz even though hes been killing himself trying to be the best for them but its still not enough (pigeon projecting? more likely than you think)

“every time that i miss you / i feel the way you hurt / and i dont deserve you / you deserve the world / though it feels like we were built / from the same dirt.” man. hes dead lol. he misses the L’Manburgians. not only were they his supporters, but they were all his friends too. every time he misses his friends he feels their pain of when he first blew up L’Manburg. he feels like because he caused them all pain that they dont like him and that they never liked him and that he is undeserving of their friendship. he still wants to be friends with them. he still loves them. he still wants the best for them. he thinks theyre so much better than him even though they all created L’Manburg together. in reality they are all the same, but their actions impact each other and he feels that his actions make him worse than them or less than. fuckisonmdfnpbhife

“and i hate to say it / but your sister was right / dont trust english boys / with far too much free time” sister is dream mayhaps. fuckngeionsfjg that hurt sorry uhhh anyway yeah sister is dream?? he did say that wilbur would be a shit president and he believes that hes a shit president so he thinks they were all right about him being a shit president  fbhjebinfnejg. maybe sister is just everyone who didnt believe in wilbur. man....

“a fucking waste of time” do i even need to explain this one? he fr doesnt belive hes worth it anymore and that hes literally a waste of time. hjkfbhnfve

- La Jolla

this one feels pretty far into train station limbo to me as well. namely from “and im lonely / there i said it” this could either be him being lonely as president and feeling like he doesnt have anyone to talk to really because hes too busy trying to hold himself together for everyone. either that or hes lonely in the station and didnt want to admit it because this is what he wanted. he wanted to die. he wanted to be dead because he believed thats what everyone else wanted and he just wanted the best for them. 

“i could go away / i could pack my things and be gone before you wake” he could leave if they asked him to. he would do anything for them. 

“you know ive tried hard to love me too / it always seems to fall in, through” this line already physically pained me but now it hurts even more having to relate it to a character i love. we already know that his mental state was declining as his presidency continued, but this would confirm that hes just trying to love himself even though he can never seem to get it right. 

“my own personal sunset” this is just the ‘this is my sunrise’ line but different. my man misses the sun. fuck. 

- I’m Sorry Boris

this song is almost definitely from a long ass time in the limbo. 

“and im sorry / but, boris / im leaving / im not good for anyone here” boris represents L’Manburgians!! hes talking about how hes leaving the world by planning on killing himself. fuck. 

“we reached the end of a decade” mans been dead for a decade. sheesh. 

he then goes on to say that he cant believe hes leaving, he doesnt think he wants to leave them, but he thinks its whats best for them.

he talks about how they do all of these bullshit things before helping you and i know its in reference to london but for the sake of my sanity its about the presidency role and how it will fuck you up before bothering to help you not want to kill yourself.  

should i do a separate post about how i visualized it/about how i thought about the song in paragraph form like a lowkey explanation? idk how to explain it but in this one i wanted to just cover some of the lyrics of the songs and my thoughts on them. i think c!wilbur wrote these in the limbo after he died. i know this is also shit and Not Good, but i really just needed to get my thoughts out before it killed me. i also didnt reread this. its probably repetitive and shit yk. i do Not Care. id also love to hear thoughts on this if yall want to. if you made it this far i love you please hydrate and eat today and youre so sexy ahaha 

“and even though im finished / im not quite done with it” even though hes finishing his symphony by blowing it up, hes now realizing he wished he hadnt blown it up and that he hadnt killed himself. man. 

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