#good application monitoring

[chronomally]

Also read a paper on a smart house (not the DCOM) from the '90s that was like 1/3 horror story, 1/3 "that sounds really useful," and 1/3 "oh, like (thing we already have)"

[greenthestral]

Unleashing the Power of Goal 3: Good Health and Well-being for a Thriving World

In our quest for a better world, one of the most fundamental goals we must strive for is Goal 3: Good Health and Well-being. Recognized as a crucial part of the United Nations Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs), Goal 3 aims to ensure healthy lives and promote well-being for all at all ages. This ambitious goal encompasses a wide range of factors, including disease prevention, access to healthcare, mental health, and the promotion of healthy lifestyles. By addressing the challenges and opportunities presented by Goal 3, we have the potential to transform societies, empower individuals, and create a healthier and more prosperous world.

The Importance of Good Health and Well-being

Good health and well-being serve as the foundation for individuals, communities, and nations to thrive and prosper. When individuals enjoy good health, they are more equipped to actively participate in their communities, pursue education, and engage in productive work. Healthy individuals have the energy, physical strength, and mental resilience to contribute meaningfully to society. They can be more productive, innovative, and creative, leading to overall progress and development.

Conversely, poor health poses significant challenges to individuals and society as a whole. When individuals suffer from ill health, their ability to contribute to their communities becomes constrained. Limited physical capabilities, chronic illnesses, and mental health issues can hinder their participation in various aspects of life, including education, employment, and social activities. This not only diminishes their own potential but also limits the overall productivity and growth of communities and nations.

Moreover, the impact of poor health extends beyond individual well-being and has broader socio-economic implications. Inadequate health systems, prevalence of diseases, and lack of access to healthcare services can hamper economic growth and exacerbate existing inequalities. When a significant portion of the population is burdened by illness, it leads to increased healthcare costs, reduced workforce productivity, and higher rates of absenteeism. The consequences of poor health ripple through society, hindering progress and perpetuating cycles of poverty and inequality.

Recognizing the significance of good health and well-being, Goal 3 of the United Nations Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs) places a strong emphasis on ensuring healthy lives and promoting well-being for all at all ages. It acknowledges that achieving good health is not only a moral imperative but also a strategic investment in human capital and sustainable development.

By investing in healthcare infrastructure, disease prevention, and health promotion initiatives, nations can lay the groundwork for a healthy and productive population. Accessible and affordable healthcare services, including preventive care, vaccinations, and treatment options, play a crucial role in reducing the burden of diseases and improving overall health outcomes. Strengthening health systems and ensuring universal healthcare coverage is not only a matter of justice but also a smart investment in the well-being and economic stability of a nation.

Promoting good health and well-being is not limited to physical health alone. Mental health, often overlooked or stigmatized, is an integral component of overall well-being. Mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, and stress, can significantly impact an individual's quality of life and ability to function effectively. By prioritizing mental health, providing access to mental health services, and fostering supportive environments, societies can create conditions that enable individuals to thrive holistically.

Furthermore, achieving Goal 3 requires addressing the root causes of health disparities and inequalities. Socioeconomic factors, including income inequality, education, and social determinants of health, can significantly influence an individual's health status. Vulnerable populations, such as women, children, older adults, and marginalized communities, are often disproportionately affected by health inequities. To achieve good health and well-being for all, it is essential to implement policies and programs that specifically target these groups and reduce disparities.

Technology and innovation also play a vital role in advancing Goal 3. The integration of digital health solutions, telemedicine, wearable devices, and data analytics can enhance healthcare delivery, improve access to services, and facilitate preventive care. These advancements have the potential to bridge geographical barriers, reach remote populations, and empower individuals to take control of their health. By harnessing the power of technology and encouraging further innovation, we can overcome challenges in healthcare delivery and maximize the potential for good health and well-being worldwide.

Good health and well-being are not only essential for individuals to flourish but also for communities and nations to thrive. By prioritizing Goal 3 and investing in disease prevention, access to healthcare, mental health support, healthy lifestyles, and addressing inequalities, we can create a society where everyone has the opportunity to lead a healthy and fulfilling life. Achieving good health and well-being is not just a moral obligation; it is a strategic investment in human capital and sustainable development that will pave the way for a brighter and more prosperous future.

Disease Prevention and Universal Healthcare

At the heart of Goal 3: Good Health and Well-being lies the fundamental objective of disease prevention and ensuring access to quality healthcare for all individuals, regardless of their socio-economic background. This objective encompasses a range of strategies and initiatives aimed at reducing the burden of diseases, improving health outcomes, and promoting overall well-being.

Effective disease prevention is a cornerstone of achieving good health. Immunization programs have proven to be one of the most successful public health interventions, preventing millions of deaths each year from vaccine-preventable diseases. Through vaccination campaigns, individuals are protected from diseases such as measles, polio, hepatitis, and influenza. Immunization not only safeguards individual health but also contributes to herd immunity, reducing the overall transmission and impact of infectious diseases within communities.

Furthermore, clean water and sanitation initiatives play a crucial role in disease prevention. Access to safe drinking water and proper sanitation facilities is essential for preventing waterborne diseases, such as cholera, typhoid, and diarrhea. Improved sanitation practices, including the provision of adequate toilets and waste management systems, help minimize the spread of pathogens and promote better hygiene practices.

In addition to disease prevention measures, health education campaigns are essential for promoting awareness and empowering individuals to make informed decisions about their health. These campaigns provide valuable information about disease prevention, early detection, and healthy lifestyles. By educating communities about the importance of hygiene, nutrition, sexual and reproductive health, and other health-related topics, individuals can take proactive steps to protect themselves and their families from diseases.

Universal healthcare coverage is a crucial aspect of Goal 3, ensuring that everyone has access to essential healthcare services without facing financial hardships. It means that individuals should be able to access healthcare when needed, without fear of incurring catastrophic expenses that could push them into poverty. Universal healthcare coverage encompasses a broad range of services, including preventive care, primary healthcare, emergency care, essential medications, and specialized treatments.

Achieving universal healthcare coverage requires a comprehensive approach that addresses both financial and non-financial barriers to accessing healthcare. Governments and policymakers must work towards developing robust healthcare systems that are accessible, equitable, and efficient. This involves establishing healthcare facilities, training healthcare professionals, ensuring the availability of essential medicines and technologies, and implementing health financing mechanisms that protect individuals from financial hardships.

The importance of disease prevention and access to quality healthcare for all cannot be overstated. Timely access to healthcare services enables early detection and treatment of diseases, reducing the burden on individuals and society. It also promotes preventive care, which focuses on addressing risk factors and promoting healthy behaviors to prevent the onset of diseases.

Moreover, universal healthcare coverage contributes to reducing health inequalities. It ensures that individuals from all socio-economic backgrounds, including marginalized populations, have equal opportunities to access healthcare services. By addressing disparities in healthcare access, we can work towards creating a fairer and more just society, where everyone has the chance to live a healthy and fulfilling life.

Disease prevention strategies, clean water and sanitation initiatives, and health education campaigns are crucial components of achieving Goal 3. These measures help reduce the burden of communicable diseases and improve overall health outcomes. Additionally, ensuring universal healthcare coverage is vital to guarantee that everyone has access to essential healthcare services without facing financial hardships. By prioritizing disease prevention and working towards universal healthcare coverage, we can lay the foundation for a healthier and more equitable society, where good health and well-being are attainable for all.

Mental Health and Well-being

While the focus on physical health is essential, it is crucial to recognize that mental health and well-being are equally significant components of Goal 3: Good Health and Well-being. Mental health issues affect millions of people worldwide, cutting across age, gender, and socioeconomic boundaries. However, these issues often go unnoticed, undiagnosed, or stigmatized, resulting in individuals suffering in silence and without appropriate support.

Promoting mental well-being requires a multifaceted approach that addresses both the societal and individual aspects of mental health. Firstly, it is vital to destigmatize mental health conditions and raise awareness about the prevalence and impact of mental illnesses. Challenging misconceptions and educating the public can help dismantle the barriers that prevent individuals from seeking help and support.

Integrating mental health into healthcare systems is another crucial step in promoting well-being. Mental health services should be accessible, affordable, and integrated into primary healthcare settings. This integration allows for early identification, intervention, and treatment of mental health conditions, ensuring that individuals receive the support they need in a timely manner.

Mental health promotion should extend beyond healthcare settings and encompass various sectors of society. Schools, workplaces, and community organizations play a significant role in fostering mental well-being. Implementing mental health programs in schools that focus on emotional literacy, stress management, and resilience building can equip young people with the tools they need to navigate the challenges of life.

In the workplace, creating a supportive environment that values employee well-being can significantly impact mental health outcomes. Encouraging work-life balance, providing mental health resources, and promoting open dialogue about mental health can help reduce stress and improve overall employee well-being.

Community organizations and grassroots initiatives also play a vital role in promoting mental health. Support groups, helplines, and community-based mental health services can provide individuals with a safe space to seek support and share their experiences. These initiatives foster a sense of belonging, reduce isolation, and promote social connections, which are crucial protective factors for mental health.

Investing in research and evidence-based practices is essential to inform mental health policies and interventions. By prioritizing research, policymakers can make informed decisions, allocate resources effectively, and develop targeted interventions that address the specific needs of diverse populations.

Furthermore, addressing the social determinants of mental health is integral to promoting mental well-being. Factors such as poverty, inequality, discrimination, and violence can significantly impact an individual's mental health. By addressing these social determinants, societies can create the conditions that support mental well-being for all.

Prevention is a key aspect of promoting mental health. By focusing on early intervention and prevention strategies, societies can reduce the incidence and severity of mental health conditions. This includes promoting healthy coping mechanisms, resilience-building programs, and providing support for individuals who may be at higher risk, such as survivors of trauma or individuals experiencing significant life transitions.

Creating a more compassionate and supportive society requires collaboration and the involvement of various stakeholders. Governments, healthcare systems, educational institutions, employers, communities, and individuals all have a role to play in promoting mental health and well-being. By working together, we can create an environment that fosters understanding, empathy, and support for individuals facing mental health challenges.

In conclusion, while physical health is essential, mental health and well-being must be equally prioritized in achieving Goal 3. Promoting mental well-being requires destigmatization, increased awareness, and the provision of accessible mental health services. By recognizing the importance of mental health and integrating it into healthcare systems, educational settings, workplaces, and communities, we can create a more compassionate and supportive society where individuals can thrive and achieve overall well-being.

Promoting Healthy Lifestyles

Promoting healthy lifestyles is a proactive and preventive approach to achieving Goal 3: Good Health and Well-being. Encouraging individuals to adopt healthy habits, such as engaging in regular physical activity, maintaining balanced diets, and avoiding harmful substances, can have a profound impact on their overall well-being and contribute to the prevention of various health conditions.

Regular physical activity is crucial for maintaining good health and preventing chronic diseases. Engaging in physical activities such as walking, jogging, cycling, or participating in sports not only improves cardiovascular fitness but also strengthens muscles and bones, enhances mental well-being, and reduces the risk of conditions like obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. Governments, educational institutions, and communities should collaborate to provide accessible recreational spaces, sports facilities, and promote physical education programs to encourage individuals of all ages to engage in regular exercise.

Balanced diets are essential for providing the body with the necessary nutrients for optimal functioning. Encouraging individuals to consume a variety of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean proteins, and healthy fats can promote overall health and prevent nutritional deficiencies. Governments can implement policies that support the availability and affordability of nutritious food options, while educational institutions can incorporate nutrition education into curricula to empower individuals with the knowledge and skills to make informed dietary choices.

Avoiding harmful substances, such as tobacco, excessive alcohol consumption, and illicit drugs, is crucial for maintaining good health and preventing a range of health problems. Governments play a significant role in implementing and enforcing policies and regulations to control the availability and marketing of harmful substances. Educational institutions and community organizations can provide education and awareness campaigns to highlight the detrimental effects of these substances and promote healthy lifestyle choices.

Collaboration between various stakeholders is essential to promoting healthy lifestyles effectively. Governments can enact policies that create supportive environments for healthy choices, such as implementing taxes on unhealthy products, restricting advertising of unhealthy foods to children, and creating smoke-free public spaces. Educational institutions can integrate health education into curricula, teaching students about the importance of physical activity, nutrition, and the risks associated with substance abuse. Communities can establish initiatives that provide access to nutritious food options, create safe spaces for physical activity, and organize community events that promote healthy lifestyles.

Furthermore, utilizing technology and digital platforms can be effective in promoting healthy lifestyles. Mobile applications, wearable devices, and online platforms can provide individuals with tools and resources to track their physical activity, monitor their diet, and receive personalized recommendations for healthy living. These technological advancements can facilitate behavior change, provide motivation and support, and connect individuals with a community of like-minded individuals striving for healthy lifestyles.

It is crucial to recognize that promoting healthy lifestyles is not just about individual choices but also about addressing the underlying social and environmental factors that influence behavior. Socioeconomic factors, such as income, education, and access to resources, can significantly impact an individual's ability to adopt and maintain healthy habits. Therefore, efforts should be made to reduce health inequalities and create equitable environments that enable and empower individuals from all backgrounds to make healthy choices.

Promoting healthy lifestyles is a proactive approach to achieving Goal 3. Encouraging individuals to engage in regular physical activity, maintain balanced diets, and avoid harmful substances can have a positive impact on their overall well-being and prevent various health conditions. Governments, educational institutions, and communities should collaborate to provide resources, education, and infrastructure that support healthy choices and facilitate behavior change. By fostering environments that promote and support healthy lifestyles, we can create a society where good health and well-being are accessible to all individuals.

Addressing Inequalities and Vulnerable Populations

Achieving Goal 3: Good Health and Well-being for all requires a comprehensive approach that addresses inequalities and reaches out to vulnerable populations. Various factors, including socioeconomic status, gender disparities, and geographic location, can significantly impact individuals' access to healthcare services and their overall health outcomes. In order to create a more equitable society and ensure that no one is left behind, it is crucial to implement policies and programs that prioritize the needs of marginalized groups, including women, children, older adults, and those living in poverty or conflict-affected areas.

Socioeconomic factors play a significant role in determining an individual's access to healthcare. Poverty and income inequality can limit individuals' ability to afford essential healthcare services, medications, and treatments. Lack of access to quality education and employment opportunities can further perpetuate health disparities. To address these issues, governments should implement policies that focus on poverty reduction, promote inclusive economic growth, and provide social safety nets to support vulnerable populations. It is crucial to ensure that healthcare services are affordable, and financial barriers are minimized, allowing individuals from all socioeconomic backgrounds to access the care they need.

Gender disparities also have a profound impact on health outcomes. Women and girls often face unique health challenges and may encounter barriers to accessing healthcare services. This includes limited access to reproductive health services, maternal healthcare, and gender-based violence. Governments and organizations should prioritize gender-responsive healthcare policies that address the specific needs of women and girls, including reproductive health services, access to family planning methods, and support for maternal and child health. Furthermore, efforts should be made to empower women through education, economic opportunities, and gender equality initiatives, as these factors have a direct impact on their health and well-being.

Geographic location is another critical factor that can influence access to healthcare. Individuals living in remote or rural areas often face challenges in accessing healthcare facilities, transportation, and specialized services. This issue is compounded in conflict-affected regions, where infrastructure and healthcare systems may be disrupted. To overcome these barriers, governments should invest in healthcare infrastructure in underserved areas, provide mobile healthcare units or telemedicine services, and implement strategies to attract healthcare professionals to remote regions. Additionally, humanitarian organizations and international efforts should prioritize providing healthcare assistance to populations affected by conflicts and disasters, ensuring that those in crisis situations receive the necessary support.

Addressing health inequalities and reaching out to vulnerable populations requires a multi-sectoral approach. Governments, healthcare systems, non-governmental organizations, and community-based initiatives must collaborate to develop targeted programs that address the specific needs of marginalized groups. This includes raising awareness about health issues, providing culturally sensitive healthcare services, and integrating community health workers who can bridge the gap between healthcare providers and underserved communities.

In addition to addressing immediate healthcare needs, it is essential to focus on long-term preventive strategies. This includes health promotion and disease prevention initiatives that target vulnerable populations. For example, promoting sexual and reproductive health education among adolescent girls can empower them to make informed decisions about their health and well-being. Implementing nutrition programs in schools and communities can address malnutrition and promote healthy eating habits among children. Moreover, focusing on geriatric care and providing specialized healthcare services for older adults can support healthy aging and enhance the quality of life for this population.

Achieving good health and well-being for all requires addressing inequalities and reaching out to vulnerable populations. Socioeconomic factors, gender disparities, and geographic location significantly impact individuals' access to healthcare and health outcomes. By implementing policies and programs that prioritize the needs of marginalized groups, we can work towards creating a more equitable society. It is imperative to address poverty, gender disparities, and geographic barriers to healthcare, while also focusing on preventive strategies and long-term health promotion. Through concerted efforts and collaborative actions, we can strive towards ensuring that everyone, regardless of their background, has the opportunity to lead a healthy and fulfilling life.

Technology and Innovation in Healthcare

Technology and innovation have the potential to transform healthcare and play a pivotal role in achieving Goal 3: Good Health and Well-being. The rapid advancements in technology, such as telemedicine, mobile health applications, electronic health records (EHRs), and artificial intelligence (AI)-based diagnostics, are revolutionizing healthcare delivery, making it more accessible, efficient, and cost-effective. By harnessing the power of these tools and promoting further innovation, we can bridge gaps in healthcare delivery and significantly enhance health outcomes on a global scale.

Telemedicine, or remote healthcare consultations, has emerged as a game-changer in healthcare accessibility. It allows individuals to consult with healthcare professionals from the comfort of their homes, eliminating the need for physical visits to healthcare facilities, especially in remote or underserved areas. Telemedicine facilitates timely access to medical advice, follow-up care, and specialist consultations. Moreover, it can improve healthcare outcomes by enabling early detection and intervention, particularly for chronic conditions that require ongoing monitoring and management.

Mobile health applications, or mHealth apps, have gained popularity as powerful tools for health promotion and disease management. These apps offer a wide range of features, including personalized health tracking, medication reminders, fitness monitoring, and access to educational resources. mHealth apps empower individuals to actively participate in their own healthcare, promoting self-management and preventive behaviors. Additionally, these apps can facilitate remote patient monitoring, allowing healthcare providers to track patients' vital signs and provide timely interventions when necessary.

The adoption of electronic health records (EHRs) has transformed healthcare documentation and data management. EHRs enable the secure storage and exchange of patient information among healthcare providers, improving coordination and continuity of care. They streamline administrative processes, reduce medical errors, and facilitate evidence-based decision-making. EHRs also serve as valuable repositories of health data that can be utilized for research and population health management, leading to better understanding of diseases, treatment outcomes, and public health trends.

Artificial intelligence (AI) and machine learning algorithms have shown great promise in healthcare diagnostics and decision support. AI-powered diagnostic tools can analyze medical images, such as X-rays and MRIs, with remarkable accuracy, aiding in early detection and diagnosis of diseases. AI algorithms can also analyze large datasets to identify patterns, predict outcomes, and personalize treatment plans. These advancements have the potential to revolutionize disease management, improve patient outcomes, and optimize healthcare resource allocation.

Furthermore, wearable devices and remote monitoring technologies are becoming increasingly prevalent in healthcare. These devices, such as smartwatches and fitness trackers, can monitor vital signs, physical activity levels, and sleep patterns. They provide valuable data for individuals to track their health and wellness, while also enabling healthcare providers to remotely monitor patients with chronic conditions, detect abnormalities, and intervene when necessary.

Innovation in healthcare technology is not limited to high-income countries. Low-cost and scalable solutions are being developed to address the unique challenges faced by resource-constrained settings. For example, mobile-based diagnostic tools, point-of-care testing devices, and low-cost telemedicine solutions are being deployed in underserved areas to improve access to healthcare and diagnostics.

However, it is important to acknowledge that technology is not a panacea for all healthcare challenges. It should be seen as a complementary tool that works in synergy with healthcare professionals' expertise and human touch. Ethical considerations, privacy, and data security must also be taken into account to ensure that technological advancements are used responsibly and to the benefit of patients.

To fully leverage the potential of technology and innovation in healthcare, it is essential to foster an ecosystem that encourages collaboration between healthcare providers, technology developers, policymakers, and researchers. Governments should support research and development initiatives, promote regulatory frameworks that facilitate the safe and effective deployment of healthcare technologies, and invest in digital infrastructure to enable widespread adoption.

Technology and innovation have the power to revolutionize healthcare and drive progress towards Goal 3. Advancements such as telemedicine, mobile health applications, EHRs, and AI-based diagnostics are already transforming healthcare delivery and improving access to quality care. By embracing and further promoting these technological tools, we can bridge gaps in healthcare delivery, enhance health outcomes, and bring us closer to achieving universal good health and well-being. It is crucial to foster an ecosystem that supports collaboration, research, and responsible use of technology to ensure equitable access to healthcare for all individuals, regardless of their geographic location or socioeconomic status.

Conclusion

Goal 3: Good Health and Well-being is a critical pillar of sustainable development that demands our attention, collaboration, and innovation. By working towards disease prevention, universal healthcare coverage, mental health support, healthy lifestyles, and addressing inequalities, we can build resilient communities and ensure that everyone has the opportunity to lead a healthy and fulfilling life. Together, let us unleash the power of Goal 3 and create a world where good health and well-being are within reach for all.

[sevsgiirl]

— ambessa being a sugar mommy and spoiling reader

synopsis: after graduating from university, you were struggling to make ends mean. thankfully, you landed a job in a huge company… whose ceo happens to have already set her sights on you.

tags: ceo!ambessa, younger!reader, oral sex, office sex, imbalanced power dynamics.

note: I’ve recently finished lipstick devil on webtoon and I just NEEDED to get this idea off my chest. I’m planning to turn this idea into a longer fic but for now here’s some headcanons about ceo!ambessa spoiling you :’)

𖥔 you honestly weren’t used to it. all your life you’ve learned to monitor your expenses, to never spend beyond your budget even when you had extra money to spare — to put other people’s needs before your own.

𖥔 after graduating university and working enough minimum wage jobs to build up your resume, you finally landed a position on noxus corp. as part of the marketing sales department.

𖥔 professor grayson referred you to one of her friends who works at the company, who then asked you for your portfolio and after a month of processing your applications, you passed the interview and got accepted.

𖥔 it was a miracle you even got accepted given how strict the requirements were, but it seems as though the head office deemed you qualified.

𖥔 the first couple of weeks working at the firm went by smoothly. it was your typical 9-5 office job, you never understood why your co-workers said that the position isn’t for the weak.

𖥔 that was until you met her. ambessa merdarda. the ceo herself.

𖥔 on the day you first saw her you almost slid past her peripheral, but unlucky for you, nothing goes unnoticed by ambessa.

𖥔 when she noticed you, she just couldn’t tear her eyes away from you. at how the pencil skirt you wore stretched deliciously around your hips and how it stopped below your knees. it was long enough to be work appropriate, but your figure left a lot for one’s imagination to go crazy.

𖥔 how every time she caught a glimpse of you at the breakroom or when you bent down to retrieve something from the drawers, she’d watch the way your ass swelled in the tight skirt. making her lick her lips before she forced herself to avert her gaze.

𖥔 however, it became harder and harder to resist you. eventually, she asked one of the lower departments to hand her the spreadsheet for the week’s overview, even though that’s usually assessed by the manager. but she needed an excuse to see you up close.

𖥔 as if it wasn’t enough, she asked them to have you deliver it for her by name.

𖥔 “I’ve seen the new hire. please. have her deliver the spreadsheet for me. I want to know if she’s capable.”

𖥔 she knows it’s bullshit. she never cared to check how competent the new hires were because those were mundane details she left others to do.

𖥔 but the second you knocked on her door and stepped inside her office, all doe-eyed and shy, your voice quiet as you called out her name “ms. medarda?” she knew right then and there she had to have you.

𖥔 six months have passed since and here you are now, sprawled on her desk with your skirt ridden up to your thighs as your slick dripped from her cherry coated lips down to her chin as she ate you out like a woman starved.

𖥔 “bessa…��� you mewled as you threw your head back and gripped the edge of the mahogany desk, feeling your orgasm approaching.

𖥔 she hummed, pulling away from your swollen clit to place a chaste kiss on your inner thigh.

𖥔 “you’ve been so good to me, dear.” she purred as her piercing eyes looked up at you “I’ve made reservations for us this evening. you’ve been working so much these past few weeks, it’s only fair I return the favor.”

𖥔 and return the favor she did.

𖥔 that’s how ambessa prefers to spoil you in the relationship. she’s tried multiple times to make you resign at the company, saying you didn’t need the job because she could provide for you. but you were insistent that you still need to make a living for yourself because you never know when the circumstances will turn on you.

𖥔 she was quite offended by the implication that she’ll ever grow bored of you, then again she’d be lying if she said that your practical mindset wasn’t what drew her in to begin with. so she let it slide. but that still didn’t stop her.

𖥔 so she’s been working hard to convince you that just isn’t the case. that she is serious about you and your relationship. that she could see it working it out on the long run and that you could rely on her to fulfill all your needs.

𖥔 and so she does it by showering you not only with mind blowing sex in between meetings and after you clock out of your shift, but also by surprising you with fresh bouquets of flowers on your desk every morning.

𖥔 people in the office likely figured out what was happening between you two but were just too scared to ask you about it, especially knowing how scary ambessa is.

𖥔 you weren’t used to being the center of attention let alone when it comes to personal matters such as your relationship, and you’ve told her that. but that still doesn’t stop her from spoiling you left and right.

𖥔 “if others cause you trouble about it, let me know. I’ll have them fired.”

𖥔 she swore it was a joke when you reprimanded her about the threat, but you knew deep down if you actually had a problem she’d stay true to her word.

𖥔 with that, your co-workers never spoke a word about it. even when the bouquets turned to expensive chocolates imported from europe, to a huge teddy bear that was about the same height as you, to a new office desktop you realized was a mac computer, completely different from the others that your office mate jayce couldn’t conceal his surprise.

𖥔 “how come she gets a mac computer while we have a lenovo?” he exclaimed only to get yelled at by the others telling him to shut up and move on.

𖥔 or when she called you into her office one afternoon saying she had a surprise “I just remembered you telling me you’ve had the same phone since your junior year.” she smiled before handing you a white paper bag “to go along with the computer.”

𖥔 and sure enough, there was a new phone inside.

𖥔 “bessa…” you sighed as you gave her one of your failed attempts of a glare “you can’t keep buying me gifts like this.”

𖥔 “well, I asked you to take my card but you said-“

𖥔 “that’s not what I mean.” you argued while she reached forward and smoothened the furrow between your eyebrows.

𖥔 “just let me spoil you, my love.” she said, wrapping her strong arms around you as she pulled you against her chest “you never known when to take a break or receive any reward for your hard work. so let me. let me spoil you rotten.”

𖥔 you bit your lower lip, not being able to hide the way your cheeks reddened at her words “you smother me too much.”

𖥔 she smirked as she leaned down and nosed at your jaw “I’d give you the world if I could, dear.” she muttered “just say the word. if only you stopped being so stubborn and resigned, you could come live with me and you’d never have to work a day in your life. just you, with all the luxuries in the world as you wait for me on our bed…”

𖥔 her hand reaches down to cup you from underneath your skirt and you couldn’t repress the moan that slipped past your lips.

𖥔 she lets out a groan feeling your soaked cunt “then I’ll come home, fuck you from night until morning before it’s time for me to leave for work again. and all you have to do is be a good, doting little wife for me.” she gently takes your jaw in her hand to capture your lips “doesn’t that sound enticing, no?”

𖥔 god, you’d be lying if you said it wasn’t.

[roseykat]

TITLE: How they are when they eat you out

SUMMARY: OT8 blurb version of the title.

MASTERLIST

WARNING: minors DNI with this post or my blog. I create NSFW SKZ related content and I know I won't be able to regulate/monitor every single potential interaction with these posts so please do not engage with my work and page whatsoever.

TAGS: mentions of orgasms, sex positions, again nothing too major.

TAGLIST: @xhakumeix

A/N: here is another spicy blurb/work of mine! Thank you everyone for engaging with my posts, messaging and following! I really appreciate y’all 😭💗 also side note again, I’ll spellcheck this when I get home!

BANG CHAN

Deliberately goes slow. He likes foreplay but also teasing you. Thrives off of feeling your legs shake around his head as he goes down on you. If you can’t handle the overbearing intensity of pleasure, he’ll snake his arms around your thighs, gripping and holding you there to ensure that you will take everything he gives you.

However, Chan is a firm reinforcer of edging and uses his mouth to achieve that. He’ll have you squirming and trembling every single time he brings you to the edge. Whenever you try and inch closer towards his tongue, he’ll pull away, leaving you frustrated and angry. But edging has a high purpose, and that’s to make you cum ten times harder than you usually would.

“I know how much you want to cum right now,” Chan says. “So lie back and let me get you there.”

-

MINHO

Eats pussy for sport and will make you cum as hard and as fast as possible and as many times as you’ll let him. He’ll tease when he wants but for the most part, he wants to watch you writhe and shake. Hearing you scream out his name is a phenomenon that he can never get over. Minho also likes eating you out in positions that will have you screaming and where you’re bound to cum - literally.

He will have your legs bent at your sides, tied up so you can’t move, and will eat you out for an hour or two, otherwise until you’re crying from how much pleasure you’re in. In those positions, there’s nowhere for you to go or move other than the surface of his hot tongue.

“Like cumming on my mouth don’t you?” Minho asks. “I’ll make you cum again, and again, and again - until you start to forget your name.”

-

CHANGBIN

Eats it like he means it. Will make you cum more than once with his mouth and won’t settle for anything less. He will have you in tears from how intense the orgasms are that he gives you. It’s a real contrast to how tender and nurturing he is when it comes to taking care of you afterwards. Nonetheless, Changbin will eat you out like it’s the last thing he’ll do.

He doesn’t stop unless you want him to. Sometimes you give him free rein which, in all honesty, is a terrible idea sometimes because Changbin will cease at nothing to make you cum so hard that you start seeing stars. What’s even better is because of his strength, it’s near to impossible to squirm away from his mouth, rendering you to cum hard regardless.

“Look how pretty you are when you cum,” Changbin sigh’s exasperatedly.

-

HYUNJIN

Is very attentive. Studies every reaction that he brings out of you as soon as his mouth is buried in between your legs. Hyunjin also has the tendency to overstimulate the shit out of you. Half of the time he doesn’t actually mean to. He just gets off on the change in pitch of your moans, how you sometimes go silent when you cum, or when you grip onto his hair as tight as you can.

His method of making you orgasm multiple times ensures that your legs will be shaking and your moans will fill the space around him. The only unfortunate thing for him when it comes to eating you out is that he can’t see your entire body, especially when you cum.

“You’re shaking baby,” Hyunjin points out. “Feels that good, huh?”

-

JISUNG

Is sloppy, but in the best way possible. He’s unfazed about how wet you are, how much of it gets on his face, if it’s on the bed, the floor, the kitchen counter - whatever. That’s applicable to every situation where he’s eating you out, even when Jisung feels lazy. In saying that, there are two sides to him, and he can go either way; he’ll either eat you out like he’s been deprived of it for months, or if he’s feeling lazy but still wants to go down on you, he’ll eat slowly.

If that’s the case, he will ask you to just sit on his face. It’s convenient for him to lie back and eat you out that way. Hell - he’ll even let you use his face to make yourself cum however many times you want. Jisung will say it so casually that it sometimes turns you on more. Despite him feeling lazy, that doesn’t mean to say that he isn’t into it - he is definitely into it.

“I’m horny as fuck,” Jisung says before smiling. “Sit on my face?”

-

FELIX

Going down on you is already a task that’s intimate enough as it is, but Felix’s entire aura seems to enhance that even further, to the point where you feel so good that it’s emotional. Almost every time - guaranteed - Felix will interlock his fingers with yours when his head is buried between your legs. He’ll kiss your inner thighs, softly on your clit, delicately sucking and licking to slowly build you up to a peak.

He analyses what you like so well that every time he goes down on you, he makes sure to follow that routine to achieve the same results if not better. It’s almost like one of his games to him, except the rewards are better in every aspect. Lix just wants to make sure you feel good.

“Can never get enough of you,” Felix says. “Wanna make you cum as much as you’ll let me.”

-

SEUNGMIN

Is a tease. Even during foreplay he’ll edge you with his mouth. He’ll never give you exactly what you want when you want it. If he’s going down on you, and you’re ready to cum, Seungmin will stop right before you start tipping over the edge just so he can fuck you in order to make you cum on his cock instead. Then again, if he feels generous, it’ll be his mouth that makes you cum, especially as a form of reward if you can go a day or two without being an absolute brat.

But that’s the side of Seungmin who likes to be dominant. There’s the other face of the coin where he can be very tender. In those instances when he is going down on you, expect to see a lot more affection from him. He won’t just focus solely on your clit, he’ll go slow, check in on you, and make you cum more than once because he’s also a gentleman.

“I’m the only one who can make you feel this good,” says Seungmin. “Nobody else can make you cum the way I do.”

-

JEONGIN

Knows exactly what he’s doing when it comes to eating you out. Jeongin chooses to go slow whenever he does because of how attentive he is. He wants to make sure that each second his face is buried in between your legs that your body feels good. Every now and then it’s a bit frustrating because all you want to do is just cum as quickly as you can, so as you squirm or grip his hair to try and make him go faster, that’s when he’ll decide to intentionally tease you and go slow.

He likes to hold around your thighs, gently squeezing them to hold you firm around his head. The struggles you have when it comes to putting up with his tongue is next level. He has the technique to make you cum in under a minute minimum. He’s unassuming but he’s just that good at it.

“Can feel your legs shaking,” Jeongin says. “I want to feel them shake even more.”

[inverneos]

— under desk suport, ♡. VINNIE HACKER

nsfw: oral m! recibing, praise, a bit of degradation.

after a whole week without seeing his girlfriend because of her finals, vinnie decided to help her relax.

english is not my first language so sorry for any mistakes!!

Vinnie was going through his usual pre-stream ritual. First, he'd quickly check the internet connection on his phone, ensuring everything was stable for a smooth broadcast. Then, he'd power on his trusty computer, listening for the familiar hum as it whirred to life. Next came the crucial step of connecting the various cables to the CPU – the monitor cable, the webcam, his microphone, making sure each was securely plugged in. Finally, with a double-click on his desktop, he'd open the Twitch application, the purple icon blooming on his screen, signaling that he was just moments away from going live.

But then he heard the door to his study open, his gaze softening as he saw his girlfriend there.

“Hey, doll” He greeted her and patted his thighs. “Come here”

And she did it with a big smile on her face.

“I've missed you, Vinn.” She answered him as she straddled his lap. “So much, like a crazy amount”

She's in her finals at college so she's been busy as fuck because of that, she's so focused on studing that became impossible to go to Vinnie’s house so often. But tonight she's got a bit of free time and there she is, in her boyfriend's arms, forgetting about everything.

“I've missed you too, baby.” He pulled her closer. “Want to relax for a bit, mnh?”

She just nodded, being with him was all that she needed.

And Vinnie would be lying if he didn't miss her like hell this past week. He texted her every day and called her at night, but it wasn't the same. He needed to feel her, touch her.

He moved a strand of hair from her face and behind her ear.

She was so fucking beautiful.

And before either of them could think any further, he crashed his lips into hers. The kiss started out gentle and unhurried, both enjoying the moment, being together again. But that escalated, her hands were in his hair and Vinnie was grabbing her hips.

She gasped and he took the opportunity to insert his tongue through those sweet lips. Then everything became more hurried, tongues intertwined, the taste of each other in their mouths.

Her breathing became erratic, and she pressed her hips against him. Vinnie groaned, only pulling away from her lips for a couple of seconds before kissing her deeply again. Bodies moving in sync, rubbing against each other.

Vinnie's hand ran under the hoodie she was wearing, caressing the soft skin of her abdomen.

“Fuck, doll.” He murmured against her lips, only breaking away because he heard the sound of several notifications on his phone. When he unlocked the screen he saw the group with his friends. “I really need to go on stream.”

Vinnie threw his head back and ran his hand through his hair. He was breathing heavily and his cock was growing in his pants just for the sight of her.

“Vinn, i know. I just—” she licked her lips and he almost lost it rigth there. “I missed this, you. It's been a really long week”

“My poor doll” Vinnie leaned in once again, finding her lips in another equally intense kiss. “You've been using that pretty head of yours tirelessly.”

He knew perfectly well how dedicated his girlfriend was to her studies, and she always got good grades because of it. He was proud of it.

“I can wait for you, don't worry” she presed a kiss on his cheek, streaming was his job. “Have fun with the guys, Vinn.”

She was about to get up from his lap, but Vinnie stopped her. He had a mischievous smirk on his face.

“Don't even think about it, Doll” He shook his head and pressed her back onto his hard erection. “You need to relax, you deserve it.” He rested his head in the crook of her neck, and with his hand used the mouse to set up his Twitch screen. “I know what you need”

“And what do I need?”

Vinnie moved back to get a better look at her and took her by the chin. “You need to let me take care of you until your mind goes blank.” Vinnie's thumb caressed her lower lip, her breath hitched. He applied a little pressure to her mouth. “Open wide, baby. That's it, atta girl.”

She let him run his tongue over her thumb, then she instinctively began to suck on it.

“You've never given me support under the desk.” Her eyes sparkled, Vinnie's thumb remained in the warmth of her mouth. “Oh, that's exactly what you want, don't you, baby? Just being on your knees with your mouth full of my cock”

She moaned and that was the only answer he needed.

“Please, Vinnie” she pleaded as he pulled out his tumb out of her mouth.

“Look at you, so eager to suck my cock while I'm streaming.” He said, wiping his finger in her check. “You're such a pretty slut.”

“Vinnie” her voice was soft.

“Go to your knees, Doll. Be quiet unless you want to let everyone know the slut you're for me.” he commanded.

Her knees hit the floor and as she peeled back Vinnie's layers of clothing, she heard that he had already started streaming, greeting his fans like he normally did. And then, she took his hard length into her mouth.

Her boyfriend hadn't been wrong in suggesting that this was exactly what she needed, to focus only on being good enough to please him. So she moved her mouth to take him completely, running her tongue over the base and tip, then wrapping her lips around him again.

As time went by, she became dumber just by sucking him off. Saliva was running down her chin from how deep she was taking him, and a couple of tears had even slipped down her cheeks.

Vinnie was living one of his greatest fantasies, both hands were busy on the controller while he played that video game with his friends. But sometimes, when a game was over, he would reach out with one of his hands to stroke his girlfriend's hair or push her against his cock to go deep in her mouth.

He looked down, smiled slightly because he was still live on the stream and didn't want anything to be misinterpreted in the recording.

That fucking throat was going to drive him crazy. So hot, so wet and tight.

She looked so beautiful like that, so focused. Her mind seemed to have gone blank, her blue eyes looking at him as if is him to whom she was devoted.

He decided to pause the stream and cut the recording, muting his microphone. “So good. Looking so pretty with my cock” He pulled her blonde hair into a ponytail. And he started thrusting into her throat, hitting it deep and causing her to gag a couple of times.

The tension in Vinnie's abdomen became noticeable, so one more thrust, another one, harder, and he spilled into her throat. He grunted as he released into that slimy throat.

“Swallow it all, Doll.” He released his grip on her hair and watched as she swallowed his cum.

“Vinnie? You're back? We're ready, Man” He heard the voice of one of his friends in his headphones.

He took a deep breath and took the water bottle from his desk, giving it to his girlfriend.

“You're doing so good, I'm so proud of you.” He flattered her and with his thumb he wiped the corner of her lip, it had traces of his cum and then he rubbed it on her lips.

“I want to go on, Vinn” She rested her chin on his thigh, and just looking at her like that, he was already getting hard again.

He turned on the microphone just for the private channel with his friends. “I'll be back in one minute” then he muted the mic again.

She had drunk some water from the bottle he had passed her.

“You can go on, Doll.” He stroked her slightly messy blond hair. "Do you want to keep making me proud, uhm?” she nodded. “Good, I'm not done with the stream yet. And I'm beating those fuckers ass and it's all for your support.”

ty for reading!

[directactionforhope]

"Starting this month [June 2024], thousands of young people will begin doing climate-related work around the West as part of a new service-based federal jobs program, the American Climate Corps, or ACC. The jobs they do will vary, from wildland firefighters and “lawn busters” to urban farm fellows and traditional ecological knowledge stewards. Some will work on food security or energy conservation in cities, while others will tackle invasive species and stream restoration on public land. 

The Climate Corps was modeled on Franklin D. Roosevelt’s Civilian Conservation Corps, with the goal of eventually creating tens of thousands of jobs while simultaneously addressing the impacts of climate change. 

Applications were released on Earth Day, and Maggie Thomas, President Joe Biden’s special assistant on climate, told High Country News that the program’s website has already had hundreds of thousands of views. Since its launch, nearly 250 jobs across the West have been posted, accounting for more than half of all the listed ACC positions. 

“Obviously, the West is facing tremendous impacts of climate change,” Thomas said. “It’s changing faster than many other parts of the country. If you look at wildfire, if you look at extreme heat, there are so many impacts. I think that there’s a huge role for the American Climate Corps to be tackling those crises.”  

Most of the current positions are staffed through state or nonprofit entities, such as the Montana Conservation Corps or Great Basin Institute, many of which work in partnership with federal agencies that manage public lands across the West. In New Mexico, for example, members of Conservation Legacy’s Ecological Monitoring Crew will help the Bureau of Land Management collect soil and vegetation data. In Oregon, young people will join the U.S. Department of Agriculture, working in firefighting, fuel reduction and timber management in national forests. 

New jobs are being added regularly. Deadlines for summer positions have largely passed, but new postings for hundreds more positions are due later this year or on a rolling basis, such as the Working Lands Program, which is focused on “climate-smart agriculture.”  ...

On the ACC website, applicants can sort jobs by state, work environment and focus area, such as “Indigenous knowledge reclamation” or “food waste reduction.” Job descriptions include an hourly pay equivalent — some corps jobs pay weekly or term-based stipends instead of an hourly wage — and benefits. The site is fairly user-friendly, in part owing to suggestions made by the young people who participated in the ACC listening sessions earlier this year...

The sessions helped determine other priorities as well, Thomas said, including creating good-paying jobs that could lead to long-term careers, as well as alignment with the president’s Justice40 initiative, which mandates that at least 40% of federal climate funds must go to marginalized communities that are disproportionately impacted by climate change and pollution. 

High Country News found that 30% of jobs listed across the West have explicit justice and equity language, from affordable housing in low-income communities to Indigenous knowledge and cultural reclamation for Native youth...

While the administration aims for all positions to pay at least $15 an hour, the lowest-paid position in the West is currently listed at $11 an hour. Benefits also vary widely, though most include an education benefit, and, in some cases, health care, child care and housing. 

All corps members will have access to pre-apprenticeship curriculum through the North America’s Building Trades Union. Matthew Mayers, director of the Green Workers Alliance, called this an important step for young people who want to pursue union jobs in renewable energy. Some members will also be eligible for the federal pathways program, which was recently expanded to increase opportunities for permanent positions in the federal government...

 “To think that there will be young people in every community across the country working on climate solutions and really being equipped with the tools they need to succeed in the workforce of the future,” Thomas said, “to me, that is going to be an incredible thing to see.”"

-via High Country News, June 6, 2024

--

Note: You can browse Climate Corps job postings here, on the Climate Corps website. There are currently 314 jobs posted at time of writing!

Also, it says the goal is to pay at least $15 an hour for all jobs (not 100% meeting that goal rn), but lots of postings pay higher than that, including some over $20/hour!!

[exeggcute]

the leaked mrbeast production doc kills me because like, for better or worse, this guy clearly has his shit down to a science. he knows exactly what game he's playing and he knows how to play to win. the actual doc is structured well, communicates its ideas clearly, but also was thrown together by a youtube guy who paid no attention to visual formatting or proofreading. and yet as much as I hate to say it, stuff like this is actually great and widely applicable advice:

What you consume on social media, when you watch youtube, tv, the games you play, etc. are what I like to call your information diet. Chris Tyson (our first subscriber and the guy in the videos) is a wonderful example of an information diet being used to perfection. The dude is funny as fuck. I’ve never met anyone in my entire life that can make people laugh like he can and I never understood why he was so good at it until I lived with him for a few years. The dude watches an obscene amount of cartoons and stupid shit. His eyeballs exsist to inhail copious amounts of just goofy, dumb, and brain numbing content. And as a result he can quote almost any line from any episode of spongebob. He’s able to draw from so much stupid shit in his head as inspiration to make jokes and be quirky. As a result he is fucken hilarious. But let’s imagine a different Chris, let’s say instead of cartoons and stupid shit, his information diet was stocks and investing advice. And for 5 years that’s all he consumed. Do you think he’d be just as funny as he currently is? No. He in my opinion wouldn’t even be 20% as funny. If you’re a writer or director you really need to monitor and perfect your information diet. If your diet is not correct, you won’t have a good pulse on culture. I don’t want you to be a chris, in fact, I think that would probably do you harm. Talent needs to inhale cartoons so they can be funny, writers need to inhale inspiration. Let’s say there is a purple fruit in the middle of Australia that when eaten makes you 2 feet taller. If it truly did exist, you wouldn’t have known that until just right now. But now that you know of it, you can draw on it for inspiration for every piece of content you write going forward. That’s beautiful, it can now sit in the back of your mind waiting for that one video where it is needed. It might take 10 videos or even 100 but eventually you’ll be brainstorming a bit and think of the right one to use the fruit for. Apply this to everything on this fucken planet. You. Can’t. Get. Inspired. By. Things. You. Don’t. Know. Exist. So how do you learn more about what's out there in the world? How do you stay up to date on the latest memes? How do you know what’s going on with celebrities? What’s trending on youtube? What other creators are doing? What’s popping on tik tok? Your information diet. Consume things on a daily basis that help you write better content.

[desiree-uk]

DXVK Tips and Troubleshooting: Launching The Sims 3 with DXVK

A big thank you to @heldhram for additional information from his recent DXVK/Reshade tutorial! ◀ Depending on how you launch the game to play may affect how DXVK is working.

During my usage and testing of DXVK, I noticed substantial varying of committed and working memory usage and fps rates while monitoring my game with Resource Monitor, especially when launching the game with CCMagic or S3MO compared to launching from TS3W.exe/TS3.exe.

It seems DXVK doesn't work properly - or even at all - when the game is launched with CCM/S3MO instead of TS3W.exe/TS3.exe. I don't know if this is also the case using other launchers from EA/Steam/LD and misc launchers, but it might explain why some players using DXVK don't see any improvement using it.

DXVK injects itself into the game exe, so perhaps using launchers bypasses the injection. From extensive testing, I'm inclined to think this is the case.

Someone recently asked me how do we know DXVK is really working. A very good question! lol. I thought as long as the cache showed up in the bin folder it was working, but that was no guarantee it was injected every single time at startup. Until I saw Heldhram's excellent guide to using DXVK with Reshade DX9, I relied on my gaming instincts and dodgy eyesight to determine if it was. 🤭

Using the environment variable Heldhram referred to in his guide, a DXVK Hud is added to the upper left hand corner of your game screen to show it's injected and working, showing the DXVK version, the graphics card version and driver and fps.

This led me to look further into this and was happy to see that you could add an additional line to the DXVK config file to show this and other relevant information on the HUD such as DXVK version, fps, memory usage, gpu driver and more. So if you want to make sure that DXVK is actually injected, on the config file, add the info starting with:

dxvk.hud =

After '=', add what you want to see. So 'version' (without quotes) shows the DXVK version. dxvk.hud = version

You could just add the fps by adding 'fps' instead of 'version' if you want.

The DXVK Github page lists all the information you could add to the HUD. It accepts a comma-separated list for multiple options:

devinfo: Displays the name of the GPU and the driver version.

fps: Shows the current frame rate.

frametimes: Shows a frame time graph.

submissions: Shows the number of command buffers submitted per frame.

drawcalls: Shows the number of draw calls and render passes per frame.

pipelines: Shows the total number of graphics and compute pipelines.

descriptors: Shows the number of descriptor pools and descriptor sets.

memory: Shows the amount of device memory allocated and used.

allocations: Shows detailed memory chunk suballocation info.

gpuload: Shows estimated GPU load. May be inaccurate.

version: Shows DXVK version.

api: Shows the D3D feature level used by the application.

cs: Shows worker thread statistics.

compiler: Shows shader compiler activity

samplers: Shows the current number of sampler pairs used [D3D9 Only]

ffshaders: Shows the current number of shaders generated from fixed function state [D3D9 Only]

swvp: Shows whether or not the device is running in software vertex processing mode [D3D9 Only]

scale=x: Scales the HUD by a factor of x (e.g. 1.5)

opacity=y: Adjusts the HUD opacity by a factor of y (e.g. 0.5, 1.0 being fully opaque).

Additionally, DXVK_HUD=1 has the same effect as DXVK_HUD=devinfo,fps, and DXVK_HUD=full enables all available HUD elements.

desiree-uk notes: The site is for the latest version of DXVK, so it shows the line typed as 'DXVK_HUD=devinfo,fps' with underscore and no spaces, but this didn't work for me. If it also doesn't work for you, try it in lowercase like this: dxvk.hud = version Make sure there is a space before and after the '=' If adding multiple HUD options, seperate them by a comma such as: dxvk.hud = fps,memory,api,version

The page also shows some other useful information regarding DXVK and it's cache file, it's worth a read. (https://github.com/doitsujin/dxvk)

My config file previously showed the DXVK version but I changed it to only show fps. Whatever it shows, it's telling you DXVK is working! DXVK version:

DXVK FPS:

The HUD is quite noticeable, but it's not too obstructive if you keep the info small. It's only when you enable the full HUD using this line: dxvk.hud = full you'll see it takes up practically half the screen! 😄 Whatever is shown, you can still interact with the screen and sims queue.

So while testing this out I noticed that the HUD wasn't showing up on the screen when launching the game via CCM and S3MO but would always show when clicking TS3W.exe. The results were consistent, with DXVK showing that it was running via TS3W.exe, the commited memory was low and steady, the fps didn't drop and there was no lag or stuttereing. I could spend longer in CAS and in game altogether, longer in my older larger save games and the RAM didn't spike as much when saving the game. Launching via CCM/S3MO, the results were sporadic, very high RAM spikes, stuttering and fps rates jumping up and down. There wasn't much difference from DXVK not being installed at all in my opinion.

You can test this out yourself, first with whatever launcher you use to start your game and then without it, clicking TS3.exe or TS3W.exe, making sure the game is running as admin. See if the HUD shows up or not and keep an eye on the memory usage with Resource Monitor running and you'll see the difference. You can delete the line from the config if you really can't stand the sight of it, but you can be sure DXVK is working when you launch the game straight from it's exe and you see smooth, steady memory usage as you play. Give it a try and add in the comments if it works for you or not and which launcher you use! 😊 Other DXVK information:

Make TS3 Run Smoother with DXVK ◀ - by @criisolate How to Use DXVK with Sims 3 ◀ - guide from @nornities and @desiree-uk

How to run The Sims 3 with DXVK & Reshade (Direct3D 9.0c) ◀ - by @heldhram

DXVK - Github ◀

[heartfullofleeches]

Yan Zombie + Restoration Hobbyist Reader Blurb

-

"Blink once if you can hear me."

It calls to them from the darkness - a voice melancholic yet strangely robotic in its application. It's familiar - like something they've heard in a dream. They can't move. Their arms feel as though they're pinned beneath boulders. Their legs feel weightless. The place in their mouth were their tongue sat felt dry and... exposed. Left with no other choice, their eyelids flicker upwards. The flesh over their right eye feels to be constructed of foreign tissue - metal scrapping over the weight in the socket where their eye once was. The image of the figure standing over them is fleeting, lips pulled thin in an expression of approval.

"Blink twice."

Their eyes flutter open for a second time - remaining there as two finger pry apart the lids of their still functioning eye.

"Good. It's fortunate that you are still able to hear. At the moment, my fixes are merely cosmetic so I'm afraid you won't be able to see out of that eye of yours for some time. If you are like other patients I've had the issue will work out on its own."

Their eye rolls idly in their head - struggling to make out any features of the person through the blazing lights overhead.

"You must have questions. Forgive me- I wasn't expecting you to wake up before I had time to work on your jaw. Please use this to communicate if you wish, you can ask me anything."

Function to their left hand returns - their wrist raw and lacking the binding weight shacking it in place. Restraints? Smooth plastic rolls beneath their fingertip as they flex the stiff joints of their digits. Their fingers trace out the rectangular shape of the keyboard's space bar. Gliding gracelessly over the keys, a hand helps stabilize their moments as they begin to type. A computer monitor awakens from its sleep as words pop up on its screen.

"Where am I?"

A common question. "You are in my workplace. I repair things from time to time to keep myself busy. I found you in a creek nearby during a stroll the other night. Thankfully, you hadn't been in there long or I would've had to replace more than the skin of your eye."

Their hand draws up to their eye, feeling the odd texture over their eye. It's felt.

"I hate to bring up any bad memories from the past, but I need to ask in order to provide you with the care you require. Do you remember anything from the day you died?"

Died?... That's... honestly not the most surprising thing about this ordeal. A stabbing pain blisters at the back of their mind as they try to remember. A boat. A shotgun. Laughter. Tears. Please, no. It's not funny just put it down. Please. please-

"Boating trip. They said if I tagged along I could finally be apart of their group. I thought I could trust them. They said they were my friends. They said"

Their body lurches forward - fighting against the bite of their bonds. It hurts. It hurts so much. Why are they still here? Garbble wails ricochet off the bedroom walls. In their time of misery, another memory rushes to the forefront of their mind. Their body convulsing on an operating table. The gentle hushes of another as they pet back their hair - drying blackened tears from the corners of their eyes. A compassionate hand from the world that had abandoned them when they needed someone most.

"Hold me."

"What?"

"I remember.. Arms around me. A voice calling out to me. Promising me everything would be okay. That was you - right? Hold me. I don't want to be alone. Please, don't let me be alone anymore."

The hobbyist removes the glove from their dominant hand, wiping the leathery flesh were thick, congealing tears pool. You pull your newest patient closer - mindful of their stitches as you rub small circles along their spine.

"You can stay here as long as you like. While I'm not the most social person, I can't turn away someone who needs my assistance."

Their sobs are reduced to small whimpers as they cling into you - dying your apron in various fluids as their arm locks around your midsection in a vice grip. You grab onto their other wrist, preventing them from wrestling it out of their chains leaving you with more work in the future if their skin were to tear.

"I know this is a lot for you, but please try not to damage yourself further."

Their arm drops from your waist - fingers flying over the keyboard on a flurry.

"What's your name?"

"My name?... You can just call me Y/n."

[saffusthings]

chapter 2: you're on your own, kid

ceo!oscar piastri x reader

summary: the one where an opportunity arises.

word count: 1.3k

one | two | three

Oscar wasn’t reckless. Every decision he made, whether in business or in life, was careful, deliberate. So when she began to occupy more space in his thoughts than he was comfortable admitting, he decided to treat it like any of his other projects. Not emotionally - Oscar Piastri didn’t do emotional. 

Head over heart.

Always.

“Logan,” Oscar began one afternoon, his tone casual, as his assistant walked into the office. “What’s our updated status on next quarter’s internship positions?”

Logan, pulling up different tabs to cross-reference on his tablet, glanced up in confusion. “Internship positions? I thought we finalized those a few weeks ago. Everything’s locked in.”

“Remind me,” Oscar continued smoothly, leaning back in his chair. “Do we have any open spots in legal or compliance? Or plans to expand there?”

Logan furrowed his brow. “Not really. Legal’s been fully staffed for a while now. And compliance? We’re in a good place there too.”

Oscar nodded, his expression giving nothing away. “Fair. Still, it might be worth revisiting. Fresh talent brings fresh perspectives. Maybe we’ve overlooked an opportunity.”

Logan blinked at him for a second before shrugging. “Sure. I can ask HR to review our pipelines, if you’d like.”

“Please,” Oscar said, returning his attention to the file on his desk as if the matter were entirely routine.

But it wasn’t.

The opportunity came just a few days later, during one of Logan’s more casual updates.

“She’s absolutely buried with exams and applications right now,” Logan said, shaking his head as he popped the lid off his coffee. “I told her she doesn’t need to worry—every firm out there would be fighting to have her—but she’s still stressing over it.”

“Job applications?” Oscar echoed, feigning mild interest.

“Yeah,” Logan said, settling into the chair across from him. “She’s picky, though. Doesn’t want to just take the first offer that comes along. Wants somewhere she actually respects.”

“Smart,” Oscar commented, his tone neutral but his mind already working. “With her qualifications, she’d be an asset anywhere. Including here.”

Logan blinked at the suggestion, surprised. “Here? You mean this company?”

“Why not?” Oscar asked, shrugging slightly. “We’ve always prioritized talent over experience. If she’s looking for opportunities, it wouldn’t hurt to suggest she apply. From everything you’ve said, she sounds like the kind of candidate we should be keeping an eye on.”

Logan chuckled, though there was a flicker of intrigue in his expression. “She is brilliant, but I don’t know if this is her kind of place. She’s more interested in the big-picture side of law. Impactful work, that sort of thing.”

“Impactful work doesn’t have to mean the nonprofit sector,” Oscar replied. “The right role, the right mentorship—it’s all about showing someone the potential in places they might overlook.”

Logan frowned thoughtfully, nodding as he mulled it over. “You’ve got a point. I could mention it to her, see what she thinks.”

“Good,” Oscar said simply, turning his gaze back to his monitor.

Logan left a few moments later, clearly still considering the idea.

Oscar stayed seated, tapping his pen lightly against the edge of his desk. It wasn’t much—just a suggestion, an idea planted carefully—but it was enough to start. If Y/N ended up walking through the doors of this building, no longer just a fleeting encounter on a crowded street, it would be because he’d given her the option.

And Oscar Piastri understood the power of giving someone the right option at the right time.

She had been staring at the email on her laptop for what felt like an eternity.

The subject line read: Exciting Opportunity at McLaren Ltd!—a suggestion Logan had dropped in conversation a week ago and followed up with a link to the company’s career portal. At the time, she’d laughed it off, telling him it wasn’t her kind of thing. 

Corporate law? No, thanks.

But now, the cursor blinked at her as if daring her to reconsider.

She sighed, leaning back against the worn cushions of the couch in her quaint apartment. The place wasn’t much—hardly bigger than a shoebox—but it was hers. Her space. The one thing she controlled in a life that sometimes felt like it wasn’t really her own.

The sound of her phone buzzing against the coffee table cut through the silence. She didn’t need to check the screen to know who it was.

“Y/N,” her mother’s voice crackled through the speaker when she answered. “We need to talk.”

Here we go again.

Her mother didn’t waste time. “Your father and I have been discussing things. It’s time you stopped fooling around. You’re graduating soon—what are you going to do with all this law nonsense? Where’s the money? Where’s the stability?”

Y/N pinched the bridge of her nose. “I told you, I’m applying to firms. I’m figuring it out—”

Her mother’s sharp laugh cut her off. “Figuring it out? You’re almost twenty-two, Y/N. By this age, your cousins were either married or already contributing to their families. And you? Still playing student. Still living in that… tiny apartment. It’s embarrassing.”

Her father’s voice joined in the background, muffled but unmistakably critical. “Tell her to stop chasing dreams and start being practical. A real job or a real husband. One or the other.”

The familiar knot tightened in Y/N’s stomach. “I’m not having this conversation again,” she said, trying to keep her voice steady.

“You don’t have a choice,” her mother snapped. “Do you think we can keep helping you forever? The money’s tight as it is. Your brother’s college is coming up, and we need every penny.”

Y/N’s grip on the phone tightened. “I never asked for your money,” she said, her voice quieter now. “I’ve been supporting myself.”

“For now,” her mother said bitterly. “But how long will that last? Face it, Y/N. You need us more than you think.”

The call ended with her mother muttering something about how ungrateful she was.

Y/N sat there for a long moment, staring at her phone.

By the next morning, the idea of McLaren Ltd. wasn’t just a suggestion anymore—it was the only card left to play.

Y/N hesitated before dialing Logan’s number. The thought of taking this job still didn’t sit right with her. It certainly wasn’t what she wanted. But it was a job, and a damn good one at that, with a reputable company and better yet, an actual paycheck. If she could get her foot in the door, it might buy her the time she needed to figure out what she did want without her parents breathing down her neck.

Before she could psych herself out any further, she pressed the call button.

“Hey, Y/N!” Logan answered, his voice chipper. “What’s up?”

“Hi, Logan,” she said, forcing some brightness into her tone. “Um, about that position you mentioned… at McLaren?”

“Oh, yeah, for sure! Have you thought about it?”

“Yeah,” she said, her fingers flicking non-existent dust off the fabric of her pants. “I think… I think I’d like to apply. If the offer’s still open, that is.”

Logan laughed. “Dude, for you? Of course. It’s still open. I told you—you’d be perfect for it. I can help you with the application if you want. I’ll even put in a good word with HR.”

Her chest tightened at his enthusiasm, but she managed a small smile. “Thanks, Logan. That means a lot.”

“Don’t mention it. You’re going to kill it,” he said confidently. 

Logan seemed to believe it enough for the both of them.

As she hung up, she glanced at the email on her laptop again, this time with a mix of determination and resignation. She wasn’t doing this for her parents. Or for Logan, great as he was.

She was doing it because, for once, she needed something to work out—something she could call her own. Even if it wasn’t the perfect fit, it was a start. And maybe, just maybe, it would lead her somewhere she never expected.

[azzifudd10]

Somewhere To Land

Chapter 6: New Beginnings

The first thing Azzi noticed when she woke up was the silence — the rare kind that only came in the calm before a storm. Monday loomed like a dark cloud on the horizon, but right now, the weekend stretched out in front of her like a gift. Her last full two days with Eli before work.

She rolled over, gaze landing on the baby monitor. Eli was still sleeping, arms flung out, his soft belly rising and falling in the crib she’d pulled beside her bed the night before. He looked so peaceful, like nothing in the world could touch him.

Azzi rubbed her eyes, then slid out of bed.

The first thing she did was make pancakes shaped like stars.

By the time Eli woke with a raspy giggle and sleepy eyes, the apartment smelled like cinnamon and syrup. She scooped him into her arms and pressed a kiss to his curly head.

“Good morning, sweet boy. You ready to hang out with Mommy all day?”

He babbled in response, clutching her hoodie with one hand and patting her cheek with the other.

They ate together — or rather, Azzi ate while Eli smeared mashed banana and pancake bits across the tray of his highchair and smiled proudly. She didn’t even mind the mess. She took pictures. Videos. She made a whole folder on her phone just titled “Last Weekend.”

10:34 a.m.

They went to the park.

Azzi packed a blanket, snacks, sunscreen, toys, and a worn copy of Corduroy. She laid it all out under a shady tree and let Eli crawl in the grass, giggling whenever a breeze lifted his curls or a ladybug landed near him.

She read aloud while he played with a teether, pausing only when he leaned his head on her thigh, eyes heavy. She brushed her fingers through his hair and whispered, “I’m going to miss this so much.”

He didn’t answer, of course. But in that moment, his warm weight against her legs, the way his fingers curled into the edge of her shirt — it felt like he understood.

Azzi – Sunday, 8:18 a.m.

By Sunday, it had started to sink in.

The toys scattered across the living room. The bassinet shoved awkwardly between the couch and the window. The narrow kitchen counter where she stacked formula and bottles. The pile of bills under a magnet shaped like a cat.

She loved this apartment. It had been her first place on her own.

But it felt like it was shrinking around her.

Azzi sat on the couch while Eli napped and opened her laptop. Just out of curiosity, she told herself. Just to see what was out there.

She typed in “2-bedroom apartment, Dallas, washer/dryer in unit.”

One of the first listings that caught her eye It was perfect everything she had wanted.

2:01 p.m.

Azzi held Eli on her hip, diaper bag slung over her shoulder, and rang the buzzer. The leasing agent met her in the lobby, smiling wide.

“Come on up! It’s a quiet unit — great lighting, top floor, freshly painted.”

The elevator ride felt too fast. Her heart thudded harder with every ding.

When the doors opened and they stepped out into the hallway, Azzi’s breath caught in her throat..

“This is it,” the agent said, unlocking the door.

Azzi stepped inside.

The apartment was larger than hers — open floor plan, big windows, new flooring. The second bedroom was perfect for a nursery. There was even a little balcony with space for plants.

Eli squealed and flailed his arms, clearly in love with the echo his laugh made in the empty room.

Azzi smiled faintly. “You like it, huh?”

The agent handed her a folder. “Take your time. Let me know if you want to apply.”

Sunday Night – 9:57 p.m.

Azzi sat on her couch, Eli asleep in her lap, her laptop open on the armrest.

She looked between the listing and her son.

Then she opened a new tab and started the application.

It was just… more space. A fresh start. Something Eli deserved.

But as she clicked "submit," her heart pounded — not with fear, but with something more electric. Something that lingered.

Wednesday, 6:42 p.m.

The email came while Azzi was trying to coax Eli into taking his evening bottle — half-asleep in her arms, cheeks flushed and heavy-lidded from a long day.

Subject: Lease Approved — Welcome Home!

Azzi blinked at the screen, her heart lurching.

It was done. The apartment was hers.

She glanced down at Eli, brushing his curls gently. “Looks like we got a new home, baby.”

He let out a soft snore in response, the bottle slipping from his lips.

Azzi laughed quietly and tucked her phone away, her mind already buzzing with packing lists and moving day logistics.

Thursday, 11:13 a.m. — Text from Azzi to Nai:

Got the apartment! We’re moving next weekend. I’ll send you the address  🫠

Nai’s reply came fast:

Wait—seriously? That’s Paige’s building.

Azzi paused, staring at her screen like it had betrayed her.

What do you mean? she replied.

Like literally her building. I think she’s on that floor. Wild, right?

Azzi slowly lowered the phone to her lap.

The butterflies that fluttered through her chest were the annoying kind — the ones that felt way too much like anticipation.

Friday, 8:47 p.m. — Azzi’s POV

It was the end of a long week — Eli had settled in at Little Sprouts better than she’d expected, and though her shifts had been tiring, she was starting to feel her footing again.

And somehow, through all the chaos, she found herself standing outside the Wings’ practice facility. Nai had invited her to come by for a bit, said she and Paige would be finishing up soon.

Paige was the one who spotted her first, towel draped around her neck, cheeks flushed from drills.

She grinned. “Hey, stranger.”

Azzi smiled back. “Hey.”

“Eli doing okay?”

“Yeah, he’s loving daycare so far. I think they’ve already won him over with snacks and lullabies.”

Paige laughed, pushing open the gym door for her. “That sounds about right.”

They sat together on the bleachers, waiting for Nai to finish a final meeting with the trainer.

Azzi hesitated for a second, then said, “I actually wanted to tell you something.”

Paige leaned in, curious. “What’s up?”

“I’m moving,” Azzi said softly. “Next weekend.”

Paige blinked. “Wait — really? Where?”

Azzi named the street, then the complex.

Paige stared at her.

Azzi tilted her head. “What?”

Paige blinked again, then grinned slowly. “You’re moving into my building.”

Azzi’s brows lifted. “No I’m not.”

“Yes, you are,” Paige said, clearly amused. “I live on that floor. What unit?”

Azzi told her.

Paige’s mouth dropped open. “That’s literally across from mine.”

Azzi’s jaw dropped too. “You’re joking.”

“Nope.” Paige leaned back, laughing. “Guess we’re neighbors now.”

Azzi groaned dramatically, covering her face with both hands. “Oh my god.”

Paige nudged her shoulder. “It’s not so bad. I’m very quiet. Only occasionally play Drake at full volume.”

“I knew I should’ve triple-checked the address,” Azzi muttered, but she was smiling now.

Paige stood and stretched. “You need help moving? I’ve got a free afternoon Sunday.”

Azzi looked up at her, surprised.

“You’d help?”

“Of course.” Paige smiled, soft and sure. “I mean, what kind of neighbor would I be if I didn’t?”

Saturday Morning, 7:05 a.m.

Azzi stood in her apartment, surrounded by half-packed boxes and Eli babbling in the corner.

Her phone buzzed.

Paige: Want me to bring coffee before we get started?

Azzi stared at the message for a beat too long, then replied:

Yeah. You know what I like.

Her smile lingered even as she turned back to tape up another box — heart full of nerves, and something else she wasn’t quite ready to name.

Sunday, 8:03 a.m.

Azzi was tying her hair up into a messy bun when the knock came.

She cracked the door open, blinking in the morning light.

Paige stood there with two coffees in hand, hair pulled into a loose ponytail, dressed in a faded UConn hoodie and black joggers. A lazy grin tugged at her lips.

“Morning, neighbor.”

Azzi stepped aside, smirking. “You’re early.”

“I believe in punctuality and bribes,” Paige said, holding out one of the cups. “Oat milk, light cinnamon, one pump vanilla. I paid attention last time.”

Azzi blinked, taken aback for a second before accepting it. “You remembered that?”

Paige shrugged, walking into the half-empty apartment. “I remember the important things.”

8:42 a.m.

Eli was awake and cooing in his playpen when Paige knelt beside him.

“Hey, little man,” she murmured, reaching out a hand.

He stared at her for a long beat before breaking into a gummy grin, kicking his feet like he recognized her.

Azzi watched from the kitchen, heart tugging painfully in her chest.

Paige had the kind of easy presence Eli responded to — gentle but firm, silly but grounded.

“He likes you,” Azzi said, voice quiet.

Paige glanced back at her. “I like him too.”

10:17 a.m.

The apartment was chaos. Boxes were stacked along every wall, labeled in Azzi’s neat handwriting. Clothes in piles. Bottles wrapped in newspaper. Half of Eli’s toys already loaded into the car Nai had dropped off earlier that morning.

Paige hauled the heaviest boxes like it was nothing. “You packed your whole life in here,” she teased.

Azzi snorted. “You try living in a small place with a baby and not having twenty versions of everything.”

“Touché,” Paige said, straightening. “But still — you didn’t have to do all this alone.”

Azzi paused mid-wrap on a picture frame, shoulders tensing.

“I usually do,” she said.

Paige didn’t say anything for a second.

Then, softly: “Well, you don’t have to now.”

12:04 p.m. — Arrival

The door to the new apartment creaked open, and Azzi stepped in with Eli balanced on her hip.

“I can’t believe we’re neighbors,” she muttered.

Paige grinned behind her. “Destiny.”

Azzi rolled her eyes. “More like poor planning.”

But there was something easy in her smile now, like she didn’t hate it nearly as much as she pretended to.

They began unloading.

Azzi directed, Paige carried. Every once in a while, their fingers brushed — passing tape, setting down a box — and the spark lingered longer each time.

Eli babbled and squealed, happily playing in a pile of bubble wrap while they worked around him.

2:36 p.m. — Lunch Break

They sat on the floor, eating tacos from a takeout bag, surrounded by half-unpacked boxes.

Azzi leaned back against the wall, bare feet stretched out. “I don’t remember moving being this exhausting.”

“You didn’t have a baby last time,” Paige pointed out, sipping from a cold soda.

Azzi laughed. “True.”

She looked over at Paige, her voice quieter now. “Thanks for helping.”

Paige turned to meet her eyes. “You don’t have to thank me. I wanted to.”

There was a beat of silence, heavier than the rest.

Azzi looked away first.

4:17 p.m. — The Nursery

They stood in the empty second bedroom, boxes labeled ELI stacked against the walls.

Azzi ran her hand along the windowsill. “I’m going to make this nice for him. Soft colors. Maybe stars.”

Paige smiled gently. “He’s lucky to have you.”

Azzi turned, surprised by the warmth in Paige’s voice.

“You really think so?”

“I know so,” Paige said. “He doesn’t even know how lucky yet. But he will.”

Azzi looked down, throat tightening.

“Sometimes I wonder if I’m enough for him,” she admitted.

“You are,” Paige said firmly. “And you don’t have to be everything alone.”

Azzi didn’t answer, but her eyes shimmered.

6:01 p.m.

By the time most of the boxes were unpacked, the apartment didn’t feel empty anymore. Eli had fallen asleep in his travel crib, thumb in his mouth.

Paige leaned against the doorframe. “I should probably head out.”

Azzi walked her to the door, arms folded loosely over her chest.

“Thanks again. Really.”

Paige lingered. “Anytime.”

She hesitated, then added, “You know, if you ever need anything — diapers, dinner, someone to cry to — just knock.”

Azzi chuckled softly. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Their eyes held for a moment too long.

Then Paige stepped back into the hallway, the door clicking softly behind her.

Azzi stood there for a few seconds, heartbeat fluttering, then turned back inside.

The apartment was quiet again. But it didn’t feel lonely.

[cherriegyuu]

midnight rain | lsm

pairing: seokmin x f!reader genre: angst, smut, a little bit of fluff word count: 17k summary: after seven years away, you finally return home. meeting seokmin again wasn't in your plans, but life wasn't willing to let you have it your way. warnings: minors do not interact, kissing, oral, swearing, penetrative sex, unprotected sex (don't do this) a/n: this is part of 1k event, it was requested the dearest @ressonancee. but also, it's part of svt ans songs from midnights. i just wrote two in one and something that was supposed to be short became this monster. i hope i wrote seokmin in a way you'll like it. prompt: “I don’t want anyone else. No one else can make me feel like you do." Seokmin ➝ Midnight Rain He was sunshine, I was midnight rain ↳ it was the oldest story in the world, the bright boy fell for the grumpy girl.

Letter #1

Seokmin,

You know, I've always been very proud of not being a very attached person. I've always been proud that I can put myself first and second, because I know I need to do it, because I know that no one else will do it for me. So, when I came here and dropped everything I had, I thought it would be a lot easier than it actually is.

When I turn around in bed at night, after days of trying to get used to the time zone and weeks to the weather and the people here — which are both bad and for completely different reasons, nothing is like in the movies — I always hope to find you there by my side and being able to snuggle up to you like I always did. I wake up in the morning and make enough coffee for two people and take two mugs out of the cupboard, and only then do I realize I'm alone here. I don't need two mugs and I made too much coffee. Sometimes, in the middle of the day, I find myself typing your number, which I have memorized despite the fact that no one remembers phone numbers, because phones exist for a reason.

You have no idea how much I miss you and what I would do to be able to hear your voice again. I would do anything, I swear I could. But I know I no longer have that right. I know that what I did is unforgivable and although I want your forgiveness, I hope you never forget what I did to you.

You were still good to me on the last day. You took me to the airport, you said goodbye to me, you hugged me tight like you know I like it and you did your best not to shed a tear in front of me.

Every now and then I catch myself thinking that I messed up. I could have done my master's where we graduated, I didn't need to move to the other side of the world and leave the life I knew behind. But at the same time, I accept it. Coming here was my dream, it was always what I dreamed of even when you were by my side as well. And maybe that's why I never told you about the application, about being approved. Maybe I waited until the end, until the very last second to tell you because I knew you were the only one capable of changing my mind.

When I was by your side, I started to dream of a different life, a life that had you at all times and in all aspects. But, as you may have already noticed, I chose my first dream.

I know I won't regret it. I can't afford to regret it. You’ll become who you always wanted to be and I’ll be there to give you a standing ovation. Not there, next to you, but from afar.

yn 

“That was Sunday Morning, by Hong Joshua. Ah, whenever I hear this song I remember my college days. I've said this here a few times, and I think I sound like a broken record by this point, but Joshua and I went to the same college and he was always singing this song in the hallways. Any small gathering between friends he would pull out the guitar and sing. So I'm sorry, but you're going to have to listen to this song at least once a week for the next year. Or until he releases the next one.”

Seokmin looked at the monitor to his right as a pre-recorded commercial for the next show started. The comments were going up too quickly, which made reading them an almost impossible mission.

On the other side of the glass, Chan made a sign indicating that the commercial was over. Seokmin looked at his friend as he lowered one finger after another and finally pointed at him. Chan placed a sheet of paper, which was always used, against the glass, which said “last, chat”. Indicating that he still had one more question to answer.

“We have time for one more question” Seokmin said, opening the internal chat he used with the other radio employees and read the question that Chan had sent “I ended a relationship of almost four years a few months ago, but I still can't understand what happened. I haven't even returned his things yet. How do I get in touch saying I want to return it?”

Seokmin swallowed. He knew that Chan hadn't done it on purpose, that he had no way of knowing everything that had happened between him and you, but he hated how much the question resonated in his head. It was a feeling he shared and for him it had been a little worse because you lived together during your last year of college. So when he entered the house and saw all the furniture, the decorations, your clothes still in the closet, it was like entering a time machine. In that 30 square meter space, for a few minutes, you still hadn't left.

He took a deep breath, away from the microphone so the sound wouldn't be picked, and leaned forward.

“It's a difficult question, really. If it's been a few months and he still hasn't picked his things up, it's because he doesn't need them, so I don't think you should bother contacting him. Hmmm”

He bit his lip and rested his elbows on the table, thinking if he should continue talking or if it would be better to stop there. Seokmin always thought it was better not to let personal feelings show on the radio, but he had moments when he couldn't follow his own rules.

“I can tell you from experience that sometimes silence is better. Because if you know the truth, it could hurt you even more. When I was in a similar situation, after a while I simply discarded the person's belongings. At first, it will be difficult, because you’ll see that shirt you gave as a gift, that letter you wrote and remember what it meant, the moment you gave those things to him. But little by little you will achieve it. Don't feel obligated to just move on when you're not ready. People will always tell you that it's about time, that it's been so many weeks or months. You’re the one who knows about your feelings.”

Chan knocked on the glass again, almost desperate because Seokmin's answer had been too long. It wasn't the first time he had gotten lost in what he was saying and maybe had been talking in circles. It always happened that he remembered you when he answered a question.

And in that specific question he was being a hypocrite because he knew that if he opened his closet, deep inside it, he would find at least two boxes full of your things hidden. He rarely went near those boxes, he liked to pretend they didn't exist and most days he managed to achieve that thought. But there were other days…

“So we come to the end of another Cupid's Corner with Minnie. See you again next week. Cupid’s Corner with Minnie: Unveiling Love’s Melody, One Relationship at a Time!”

Seokmin removed his headphones, stood up, and waved at the cameras he knew were pointed at him. He grabbed his phone and the bottle of water he always carried with him. The red light above the door finally went out and Seokmin left the studio.

Immediately, Chan appeared beside him. He had just gone blond, and it strangely suited him.

He knew the youngest was desperate, not that he was doing a good job of hiding it. The disheveled hair, pointing in all directions, also helped a lot.

“You’re going to have a heart attack if you continue like this” Seokmin said laughing.

Chan was the newest employee, handpicked by Seokmin a few months before. Seokmin needed someone to help him organize the broadcasts after his previous assistant quit because she had gotten a job in the field she had studied. Seokmin even talked to her and offered a higher salary that would come out of his own pocket, but nothing seemed to help. Not that he blamed her, in her place he would have done the same thing. But in the position he was in, changes made him uncomfortable so he did what he could to make sure everything stayed the same.

Maybe it was trauma.

“It’s because they yell at me, not you.”

One of the reasons Seokmin chose Chan as his new assistant was his sincerity. In the middle of the interview he “I think there are things in your program that need to change” and started listing things that he thought were dated or ideas that had been used too much and therefore didn't have the same effect on listeners. The others had found him presumptuous as if he wanted to know more than those who worked at the radio. Seokmin disagreed and that's how Chan got the job.

“They yell at you because you’re the new guy, no one yelled at Jiah”

Chan made a sound in the back of his throat, like a scoff.

“That's because everyone was afraid of her” Seokmin rolled his eyes and reached for the folder Chan was carrying “Oh, right. Tomorrow is your lecture for the communication classes, but they said it is possible that students from other courses will also be there, because it’llll be in the auditorium”

Seokmin nodded, reading the guidelines Chan had made. He needed to admit that he was organized and had absolute control over everything he did. He was sure that if he asked about Wonwoo's program, Chan would know how to answer as if he worked directly with him.

“You know how it is, I have fans” Chan pretended to vomit “If you go tomorrow, we’ll go out to dinner later, I’ll pay”

"Deal"

Seokmin always found it strange to be called to give lectures at the college where he studied. He wasn't a teacher and he didn't think he had done enough to be someone who could give advice to someone. In fact, Seokmin was sure he hadn't done anything big. His life, to put it very simply, was flat. At least, almost all of his life.

Seokmin has always been the type of guy who makes plans and follows through on those plans. When he was sixteen he got it into his head that he wanted to work in radio. It wasn't without reasons, of course. He joined the school radio and despite doing very little, because the school director had to know everything that would be done, even the nouns he would use in the sentence, he fell in love with the idea. That's why he decided he should study journalism in college, that way even if his radio career didn't work out, he would still have a profession.

But his dream was to work on a radio, to have his own program. So that's what he did.

He entered college as planned, sunk into student debt, and graduated exactly as he had planned. In his last semester, he got an internship at the biggest radio station in the country. He was on cloud nine. It was as if he had received the green light in life and everything was on the right track.

At least that's what he thought. At least that was what he had forced himself to believe. The internship became a permanent position and one day he just happened to be in the right place at the right time. That's why he never felt prepared to give anyone advice. Despite having decided on the career he wanted to pursue, he knew that he also needed to count on a little luck and help. The only words he could offer were “you work hard, study, make contacts, and throw the rest into luck’s hands”. It wasn't the kind of thing he wanted to hear when he was a student looking forward to the future, so he certainly wouldn't say it to anyone.

However, Chan convinced him that it would be a good idea to give the talk.

“You’re going to tell me how you got here, that’s all. An unknown face who quickly went on air to cover someone for one of the most beloved radio broadcasters in the country. I'm sure if you say that shit fell on your head, they'll like it” Chan had said laughing.

Overall the lecture went very well. Better than expected. He answered the questions as honestly as possible and used his best smile to get rid of the more awkward questions.

Despite the good day, he knew he didn't want to repeat the dose anytime soon.

“They want to know if you would be willing to do one of these a semester” Chan whispered because he knew the answer Seokmin would give, so it was better for the students not to hear.

“No” was all Seokmin said “But I’ll still buy you dinner”

Chan punched the air in celebration, catching the eyes of those around him, but he seemed to care very little.

"I just…"

What Seokmin was about to say, an announcement that he needed to go to the bathroom, died in his throat as he looked straight ahead.

Letter #2

Seokmin,

I thought I would be able to adapt faster here. It was very hard in the beginning with transport, getting around in general was very difficult. So I chose a weekend and went walking around the neighborhood where I live. I don't know how long I'll stay here, but I thought I should check it out. Besides, I can wake up in the middle of the night and decide that I want to eat something that I don't have at home, so it's good to know if there are any stores or markets that open in the middle of the night (in this neighborhood there aren't any, maybe that's why I won’t stay here).

I discovered that going out there, although productive, wasn't such a good idea. Nothing wrong happened, I didn't get hit on or someone was rude to me. Quite the contrary, most people pretended they weren't even seeing me. The problem was that everything made me think about you.

I walked by the store that sold a lot of random old things and decided to go in. You know I love filling the house with trinkets. I didn't find anything there that I liked, but I saw that they were selling camera films. For a moment I forgot everything that had happened and all I could think was, I think Seokmin is running out of film, I need to buy more because he will only realize when he doesn't have any left.

I bought it and brought it to the apartment. I opened the door and called your name. It was only later, when I noticed where I was, that it wasn't our apartment, that I realized what I had done.

Even without meaning to, even when I try not to, I find myself looking for you. Everywhere. I go to a restaurant and think about what you would like to eat, I see a dog on the street and I imagine you bending down to pet it. It's not on purpose, I just can't help it. I try, but it's in vain.

I wonder if it will pass. Will this feeling that I succeeded in my career but ruined my personal life disappear or will I feel like this forever — or at least for a good few years?

yn.

It was as if all the air had been ripped from your lungs and there was no way in the world to get you to breathe.

Somehow, some way, Seokmin was standing in front of you, in the middle of the college hallway.

For a moment it was as if you had been transported back in time, to when you were still 22 years old. In another moment you would have simply run up to him and thrown yourself into his arms as if you hadn't spent the whole night clinging to him, as if you hadn't seen each other before classes, as if you hadn't shared the smallest space in the world on the subway for 20 minutes. And your body seemed to remember all of this, like some kind of muscle memory, because you felt like you were being projected forward. Towards him.

You thought Seokmin would talk to you, you were sure he would. But you saw the way his gaze changed, the way it went from complete surprise to a hard look, completely different from anything you had ever seen from him.

In your memory, Seokmin was always brilliant and was always willing to welcome everyone with open arms, even when he felt more shy. You didn’t understand, that look he gave you was completely different from what you imagined could happen.

When you made the decision to return, you knew that there was a possibility of meeting Seokmin, no matter how small it was. You didn't know if he was still friends with the same people, if he still kept in touch with them. You certainly hadn't kept in touch with anyone - except for the two times you talked to Joshua. The possibility existed, but being realistic you knew it was as big as winning the lottery.

Of all the places you thought you could find Seokmin, college was the last one and maybe that was even why you accepted the job. When you were taking the last tests, the ones that would say whether you would graduate at the end of the semester or not, Seokmin was categorical in saying that he would never set foot inside college again. So you thought it was a place he would never go, but there he was. And in your first week, when you needed everything to go well. Not to show that you were ready and that you could do the job, but to reassure yourself that you had made the right choice in accepting the job.

You didn't have time to decide whether to talk to him or not. Seokmin made the decision for both of you. He continued walking as if you weren't there, talking to the boy next to him, laughing. The only indication that he knew who you were was silent once and one that only you could distinguish.

He turned around and left as if nothing had happened.

Was it possible that only you had felt that way? That just your heart had decided it didn't know how to beat, as if a storm was raging inside your body?

You didn't have time to analyze what had just happened. You just forced yourself to take a deep breath and also keep walking as if those brief seconds weren't enough to make your entire world turn completely upside down.

Seokmin dragged his feet into the room, tripping over the rug at the foot of the bed. A curse came out of his mouth, followed by a burp. When he invited Chan to dinner he had no intention of ending the night drunk, being carried home like someone who had just had his first drink.

It had been years since he had gotten that bad and it was comical that the previous occasion was also connected to you.

The memory of leaving you at the airport, on a flight in the middle of the night, was still vivid in Seokmin's mind. Worse than that memory, was the one of you telling him that you had gotten a place in a master's degree on the other side of the world, 18 hours before leaving the country.

“I need to tell you something” you said as he pulled his coat over his head and patted his pockets, making sure he had grabbed his keys, wallet, and phone. He needed to leave as quickly as possible, he was already late.

Seokmin had plans to ask you to marry him. He had rented a house where you could spend the weekend, where it would be possible to see the stars. He had prepared himself, but he needed to leave right that second so he would have enough time to go to the house, get everything ready and come back to get you. The owner of the house would help him, since Seokmin decided that he wouldn't tell any of his friends because they might just ruin the surprise.

“I'm already late” he said, quickly looking at his watch. "Did something happen?"

He asked, noticing your already somewhat desperate look. He knew that whatever had happened couldn't be good.

To be honest, he had noticed that something was wrong a few weeks before, and for a while, he decided it would be better not to get into it too much. He knew you well enough to know that you would offer the information when you felt ready to do so. But thinking back on everything, he wished he had asked before, he wished he hadn't given you space, he wished he had forced you to talk to him sooner.

“I passed my master’s degree abroad”

Seokmin’s first reaction was to be happy for you. He knew how much you wanted that, that it was your dream. So he did what any boyfriend would do, he hugged you and congratulated you, told you that you had tried so hard and that they would be idiots not to accept you. The feeling was true and his smile was genuine. He was happy for you.

Knowing what he knew, every now and then Seokmin wondered if he would have done anything differently if he knew what the next words would be out of your mouth. He could have made a fuss, he could have begged you to stay, he could have offered to go with you. But at the time he didn't do any of that.

“I’m leaving today, I need to be at the airport at 11 pm”

Seokmin's ears rang deafeningly. It was as if he had been punched and needed to brace himself against something. The sofa was the closest piece of furniture.

He thought he heard it wrong, he wished he was dreaming, but all he had to do was look at you. It was true. It was as if a puzzle was being completed in Seokmin's mind. The way you had suddenly become distant, how every time he entered the room you hurried to change or close whatever you were looking at on the computer. He didn't even know you signed up. He imagined that you must have done some kind of test, some interview and he didn't even know anything about it.

He had no idea.

Had he been a bad boyfriend, someone who was so focused on making the long-awaited proposal that he had ignored everything else? Or had you hidden it so well that he hadn't noticed?

"What? You’re leaving today?"

It was like the world was spinning too fast and he was trying to keep up with what was happening. It was like being on a roller coaster that kept on falling. He remembered well how the little box with the ring he had carefully chosen weighed in his pocket.

“I didn’t even know you had applied for a position” he whispered, almost just to himself “You didn’t tell me”

And it was at that exact moment, when he looked at you, that Seokmin realized that your relationship was over. You avoided looking at him, your hands were buried deep in the pockets of your coat, which was his. He saw your eyes fill with tears, you swallow hard, and remain silent.

It was unlike you, to stay quiet when you had too many things going through your head. He desperately wanted you to talk to him, to tell him what had been going through your head. He just wanted to understand. Did you believe he would somehow stop you from going? If there was one thing he knew about you, it was the fact that you always put your education first. It wasn't a secret and you didn't want it to be. He just didn't expect things to happen that way.

Seokmin sat in front of the closet, on the floor, and with difficulty opened the doors. Deep in the back, behind several shoe boxes, were two old boxes that he hadn't moved in years. Part of him wished the things inside the boxes were ruined, that they had mold and anything else that could ruin its content. But he had been careful, kept everything in order, taken all necessary precautions, and cleaned the closet periodically.

He ignored the first box and pulled the smaller one towards him, placing it on his bent legs. Seokmin wasn't one to revisit those memories, he liked to keep them as far away from him as possible, but on nights like those, it was impossible.

Seokmin knew what he would find and was sure how he would feel, but he still took the lid off the box, but he didn't dare take out any of the items inside it.

He knew he had reached his lowest point when he was holding on to memories he had of you and not focusing on what was actually happening in his life.

Letter #3

Seokmin,

I talked to Joshua today. Talk is a bit too strong of a word. We exchanged a few words on Instagram. He posted a photo and I liked it, he sent me a DM asking if I was ok and how things were going. I lied, of course. He said everything was fine and he was happy. He didn't talk about you and I didn't ask.

It was very hard to contain myself. I want to know how you are. The more selfish part of my brain wants you to be just as bad as I feel. You know that little demon that sits on our shoulder? He assures me you're even worse. And I hate to think that's the case, but at the same time, I'm sure you're not okay. I know you, we dated for four years, we lived together for almost two years

You were always the more emotional one of the two of us. You were never afraid to show your feelings, not for me or anyone else. You always loved so openly, without any fear. I admit that at first, it scared me a little.

I was an 18-year-old girl who came from a family that had no idea how to show affection, so I was always more reserved in that aspect. And there you were with your beautiful, bright smile, with open arms, affectionate with anyone who came along. I thought you were a crazy person who didn't have the slightest notion of the world. It took a while for me to realize that your world was brighter than mine in ways I couldn't understand.

You were always so untethered, free, showing yourself to anyone who had eyes. When I was closed and more reclusive, you were open and expansive. When I was very shy or reserved, you were more charming and brighter than usual. Not even my worst mood, which seemed endless at times, was a problem for you.

One day you just showed up and decided that you would stay by my side, no matter what. Believe me when I say, I tried to push you away. But with each passing day you were further under my skin.

A kiss at a random party turned into a date at every party, parties became meetings at the college library, which led to coffee dates. One day you decided at the end of each date you had to take me back to the dorms and you kissed me for a long time on the side of the building where no one could see — or at least I made myself believe no one did. Then that alone wasn't enough and you were always with your fingers intertwined with mine, or your arm around my waist. And kisses were no longer reserved for empty streets, of course not. You kissed me anywhere, anytime, no matter who was watching.

You were sneaky, Seokmin.

When I realized it, I was in love with you. Your arms were my refuge. You were my safe space. My home.

yn.

You hated that Seokmin’s reaction, or lack thereof, had gotten to you so much. It was like being punched, and then one more, soon the punch became a beating and to finish with a flourish, it was as if a truck had run over you.

You had plans to go out at the weekend, though alone. Everything was so different, the places you knew no longer existed and friends from the past no longer spoke to you. You would have to rediscover the city without anyone's help. Despite your plans, you couldn't bring yourself to leave the house.

When you decided to return, you knew there would be no way to escape Seokmin. He had become successful not only in his career as a broadcaster but also as a celebrity of sorts. You never imagined you would see his face in magazines or on billboards selling fried chicken. You didn't expect that when you turned on the TV you would see his face in different programs.

In fact, you knew all of that was happening, but somehow you managed to convince yourself that you wouldn't have to see any of it. You managed to make yourself believe that you would not be haunted by his images and voice.

When you were away, you always listened to his programs, more than once each one, but it was almost like a relationship between fan and celebrity. You could separate very well what was him and what was you. But being there, in the same country, in the same city, it was much more difficult to make that separation.

Because once you were back, Seokmin was no longer just the radio host with a show about relationships. Far from it. Seokmin was your college sweetheart, the guy whose heart you broke but who, even after seven years, was still in love with.

That was the reality. you were still in love with him. There was no relationship in the world, no man in the world, that would have made you forget about Seokmin. Sometimes it worked, sometimes you managed to forget about him for a few months and that feeling of loss, of emptiness, that had settled deep inside your heart became smaller and smaller. And then it would come back full on as if it had never left.

Maybe that was your curse, your punishment for leaving behind someone you could have spent the rest of your life with. And somehow you knew you would have been happy. Or at least a different kind of happiness.

After spending the weekend holed up inside your apartment, after convincing yourself that you needed to prepare for teaching classes and unpacking the move, she decided that on Tuesday night she would explore the city.

Exploring wasn't the right word. You had discovered that one of your favorite restaurants still existed, it had just changed location. And, despite being on the other side of the city and being completely aware that you would have to pay a fortune for a taxi or risk taking the subway alone almost at closing time, you decided to go anyway.

You needed to feel like one thing hadn't changed, or at least still be recognizable.

You heard your name being called a few minutes after sitting down. You raised your head, recognizing the voice, but couldn't tell who it belonged to. Directly in front of you was a woman, with short hair, in her fifties.

“It’s really you!”

You stood up and a second later you were being hugged. Maybe you had gone there for that reason, knowing that there would be someone there who would recognize you. Or at least you hoped there was. And when you were welcomed with open arms by her owner, Niah, you wanted to cry for the first time in a long time.

“Hi” was all you could offer, your voice weak.

You quickly turned your face away, trying to be discreet as you wiped away your tears. The last thing you wanted was to cry in front of someone else. Tears were reserved for dark moments in the silence of your apartment, they weren't meant to be seen by people you didn't even know in a crowded restaurant.

“Look how beautiful you look. You haven't been around for so long. Seokmin told us that you had gone abroad to study, but I thought you would come back sooner.”

You just managed to smile, even though it was embarrassing. It was strange to hear his name coming out of someone else's mouth so easily. For years, his name was just an echo in your own mind, almost as if it were a fantasy of yours.

There were days when you managed to convince yourself of this, that Seokmin was nothing more than a dream.

“Are you just visiting or are you back to stay?”

“I'm staying” you said after a second, when you managed to find your voice again “I got a job here, I have nowhere to run”

Niah laughed and hugged you once again, tighter this time.

"Great, that makes me happy. We always miss you” Niah smiled and ran her fingers down your cheeks, brushing away some tears that were stubborn to fall “What do you want to eat? Today it's on the house. Consider it a welcome gift.”

You took a deep breath, swallowing the lump in your throat and the remaining tears.

"What do you recommend?"

The amazing thing about meeting Niah again was that she still acted exactly the same way. She didn't see you as someone who had simply packed a suitcase of clothes and left the country overnight. To Niah you were still that same person from 7 years ago who ate whatever she put in front of. You and Seokmin were always guinea pigs for all the new recipes.

The food was still wonderful, if anything it had just gotten better.

You had a fork halfway to your mouth when you heard the door open, the sound of the bell indicating the entry of a new customer. You almost instinctively turned to look. You choked on your own saliva when your eyes met Seokmin's.

It was as if you were back in the hallway that day. Your heart simply stopped, and the world fell into suspension. For a moment, it was as if you had been transported to the past. You were almost certain that if you looked at the table you would see books open next to the cutlery; you knew that if you looked at Seokmin for another second or two his face would break into the most beautiful smile, he would wave and call your name.

But your illusion shattered into small pieces as his neutral expression contorted into a frown. With the same foot he entered he turned to leave.

“Seokmin!” you called him, getting up from your chair.

Part of you thought he was going to continue out the door, but he stopped. Half of his body was outside the restaurant, the other inside.

“Hurry up and close that door!” Niah said leaving the kitchen “You’re letting out all the heat”

Even with Niah's voice calling him, Seokmin remained standing at the door. You sat back down, but without taking your eyes off him. He didn't know what he expected of him, but he felt an indescribable relief when Niah pulled him by the sleeve of his coat and forced him to sit in front of you.

“The restaurant is packed, so you will have to share a table” she said as she turned her back.

Seokmin shook his head, clearly against sitting there, staying in the restaurant, but he still took off his coat and hung it on the chair before leaning back and crossing his arms over his chest.

It was clear he was working out, his shoulders had gotten broader and his arms bigger since you last saw each other. You almost laughed at the pose, remembering all the times you had seen him in a similar situation. But this wasn't the time to laugh when everything else was screaming that he was uncomfortable with the situation, that he didn't want to be there.

It didn't take a genius to know that Seokmin wanted nothing to do with you. His reaction to seeing you in the hallway the week before and the way he was looking at you in that moment were enough answers.

You felt like the walls were closing in around you and there wasn't enough air in the room.

What were you thinking when you called his name? What were you thinking when you silently watched Niah pull him inside? Why were you still sitting there?

A waiter who worked with Niah passed by your table and you called him discreetly, not wanting to attract the attention of the restaurant owner.

“Can you wrap everything to go, please?” you turned to Seokmin “You can have the table. I was already leaving”

It was a lie, but he didn't need to know that.

Seokmin laughed lowly, scornfully, his sideways smile making the hair on your arms stand on end. In general, Seokmin has always been the type of guy who didn’t lose his cool easily, who would always rather let things go than have any kind of confrontation. But when he really got stressed out or nervous, it took a while for him to calm down again.

You had seen that storm in his eyes very few times in the years you spent together. The last one was when he went to the airport to say goodbye to you. That day the storm was just confusion and pain, you knew you had done that to him. But he sat there in the restaurant, in front of you, in silence while the people around him chatted animatedly, completely oblivious to what was happening between the two of you.

"What it was?" you rolled your eyes.

“Ah, nothing” he said, waving his hand in a dismissive gesture “It’s just like you to do that”

You narrowed your eyes at the same time you felt your cheeks get hot.

"Do what?"

"Runaway"

Letter #4

Seokmin, 

It took me almost a year to convince myself that it was okay for me to look at social media. I convinced myself that every woman does this, that every now and then we look at our ex-boyfriend's Instagram, just to find out if his new girlfriend is ugly. I've told you this several times, but every female experience is universal.

I wish you were one of those low profile people, who post a picture every 6 months and it's a cut mango on a pretty plate. I wish you hadn't posted so many pictures. But more than anything, I wish I hadn't spent hours and hours looking at the photos. I wish I hadn't been analyzing every photo of you, I wish I hadn't thought “that's a new mole” and wondered which others had appeared since the last time we saw each other.

I had memorized every mole of yours. On your face, on your arms, on your back. On the worst days, when I missed you in a way that almost made me give up everything and go home, I kept remembering each one of them. I tried to remember the sound of your laugh, your voice, how you stroked my hair until I fell asleep when it wasn't a good day.

I keep wondering if one day this feeling will just go away.

It's been a year since I left. I went out with other guys, and I almost dated one of them, but you're always there in the back of my mind, almost comically because even against my will I can't help but compare them to you. I can't help but think that only you know how I like my coffee, how only you know that if I'm in my worst mood, there's no joke in the world that can make me laugh.

I know it's not fair to them. I gave you the chance to get to know me, I allowed you to get closer. I wanted you to come closer to me. Now I wonder if you're doing this for someone other than me.

I like to imagine that you also compare other women to me, that even now that you're dating I stay there, in the back of your mind, making fun of you.

Unfortunately, she's not ugly, but your smile was brighter when I was next to you.

yn.

To say that Seokmin had spent the rest of the week in an envious mood was an understatement. He was stressed and everyone around him soon noticed the change. He really tried not to let his personal life get in the way of his work. It was something he never struggled with. Work was work, what happened when the lights went out and he left the radio should never cross paths with each other. That week, however, it was impossible.

Meeting you at the restaurant caught him off guard. That day in the college hallway had been difficult, but he managed to just keep walking as if nothing had happened. He liked to pretend like he hadn't gone out with Chan right after and drank like there was no tomorrow, like he hadn't opened the boxes he had kept for years and cried while looking at the photos of the two of you together.

He had gone to the restaurant that day because he needed some form of comfort and didn't want to call any of his friends because he knew he would end up telling them everything that happened and would receive advice and words he would rather not hear. The restaurant was the best idea he had. Or maybe the worst possible one.

Maybe he had done it consciously, because he wanted to see you one more time, and wanted to make sure he hadn't imagined you. It wouldn't have been the first time.

In the first few months after you left, Seokmin got into the habit of visiting places he went with you, or places you liked to go alone. It was probably a form of torture, but he liked to imagine it was a way to forget and overcome the breakup. On several of those days, he believed he saw you. He realistically knew it wasn't you, he clearly remembered seeing you get on the plane and waited until it took off to leave the airport.

The worst thing that could have happened to him was you calling for him. Seokmin couldn't help but wonder if he had always reacted that way to you, if your presence was always so great that before he even saw you he knew you were nearby. That day, as soon as he opened the door, before he even saw you sitting there with your eyes wide open, he knew. He knew you were there.

The last thing he expected from you was you saying his name, as if asking him to sit with you, that Niah, knowing how the relationship had ended, would have made him sit in front of you.

Seokmin noticed your discomfort, the way your spine had become a little straighter, the way your eyes were hard and cautious at the same time. Your reaction made him angry. What right did you have to behave that way, as if you were hurt when all the decisions regarding a relationship both of you were in had been made by you?

You were the one who signed up for a master's degree abroad. It was you who never told him about your decision. It was you who kept everything secret, making him believe that the two of you were on the same page and that despite your different goals, you would be able to pursue them together.

Turns out he was wrong, those dreams were just his and didn't include him.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Chan asked for the thousandth time.

For the first time in a long time, Seokmin was having a hard time hiding how he really felt. That polished, carefully carved mask had fallen. It was a completely atypical day and everyone was able to notice his sudden change in mood. Even Chan, who normally did a great job of ignoring all the problems around him and focusing solely on his work, seemed to be walking on eggshells around him.

“It’s really obvious, isn’t it?” Seokmin asked in a low voice and Chan just nodded "And if I pretend it's because of the new segment, will anyone believe it?"

Again, Chan nodded. Since he had started the program, 3 years before, Seokmin would receive calls and speak directly to listeners. Although there were always interactions, those were always done through live chat and email when he received questions or stories from people who were not listening to the program when it was airing.

Seokmin wasn't nervous about the idea, he was actually excited. Chan knew this and knew that whatever the problem was, it was still the same as the day of the lecture. He didn't want to ask, and he didn't want to seem invasive, but he still wanted to make sure Seokmin was okay — or at least, well enough to do the program.

“I think everyone is already thinking that” was a lie and even Seokmin knew it, but he was grateful.

“You may already know this, but today we will start a new segment. We'll call it the heart to heart helpline, at least until we find a better name at least” Seokmin's voice and laugh resonated through the taxi “We'll take your calls and some of you will be able to talk to me and ask your questions live, instead of by chat. Each person will have a maximum of 2 minutes and we will answer 6 calls today”

You had left the house completely willing to avoid anything related to Seokmin. Realistically, you knew you couldn't do anything about the billboards and his face at bus stops, but you could very well avoid his radio show. And for a few weeks you had managed to do just that.

That day at the restaurant had almost been a cathartic moment. Somehow, it was as if something had clicked and fallen into place. The Seokmin you left behind no longer existed. It had been a naive thought to think so. You didn't expect that he would still be exactly the same person, of course not. Seven years had passed and Seokmin, like you, was approaching his thirties. Obviously, many things had changed, but you still expected to see traces of that 22-year-old boy you had known and loved.

You didn't spend more than five minutes with him at that table. And it was much more than enough. He had accused you of running away, of continuing to do this for years. Of course, that could be his view on everything, but it was never your intention. The only problem was that you hadn't been able to tell him those things. You had been so lost and so completely helpless in front of him that you had forgotten that you knew how to speak and form sentences.

You had spent years of your life writing letters to him, letters that he would never read, but that was beside the point. You wrote letters as a way to appease the emptiness you felt in your heart. You never, not for a second, thought you were running away. You never wanted to run away, but Seokmin seemed to believe you did.

In a sudden burst of anger, you took your phone out of your bag and dialed the number Seokmin spoke on the radio. You didn't expect your call to go through. In fact, you didn't even know what you expected.

“Please wait a minute, we will connect your call” a non-robotic voice said as you paid for the taxi.

Seokmin was still chatting animatedly with a listener who didn't have a real question, but who “just wanted to say that I really liked your show and that I’m a fan.” It was impossible not to roll your eyes. If she, and everyone else, knew how much of a complete asshole he could be just because he had the opportunity, they would never want to see his face again.

Or maybe they would team up against you in favor of the immaculate Seokmin. God knew how easily a man could turn public opinion in his favor with a beautiful smile. And God was also a witness that Seokmin's smile was simply wonderful, one that took your breath away, one that made you smile along because it was contagious.

“Welcome to the heart to heart helpline” Seokmin���s voice sounded in your ear “What’s your question?”

You didn't really think that your call would get through to Seokmin, you didn't think the signal would be good enough inside the elevator, but none of that seemed to be a problem.

“Hello, can you hear me?” he asked.

You took a deep breath and closed your eyes. You knew you were going really crazy, but you decided to throw caution out the window and be the crazy person everyone used to believe you were.

“Yes, I’m here” you could have sworn, that even over the phone, you felt Seokmin tense up “It’s a question about an old relationship, we broke up years ago, if that’s okay”

You struggled with your keys, trying to unlock the door as quickly as possible. You needed to get to your computer or tablet, whichever was closer. It was almost a physical necessity to see Seokmin's reaction to your voice, your question.

You always knew how to tell if he was truly calm or if he was masking what he was feeling. You wanted to know if you still had any other sort of effect on him. Whatever it was, it was better than angry disdain.

“Old relationships should stay in the past, don’t you think?” he finally said.

You nodded as you ran into your room. You knew you would find the tablet under your pillow — you were sure that if your mother saw it she would say that your brain would explode due to the radiation from the device. With a few taps, you opened the stream of Seokmin's program.

“I think so. But the problem is that we keep seeing each other. I don’t think it’s something either of us want, but it seems inevitable.”

You turned the sound off, you just wanted to focus on his reactions. Seokmin swallowed hard, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes fixed on the microphone in front of him. To anyone, it just seemed like he was concentrating on the call, on what the person on the other end of the line had to say, but you knew very well that it was to hide his reactions.

"Your question?"

“Well, he called me selfish and said I ran away when we broke up, but that's not exactly what happened. I wanted to talk to him, but I don’t think he wants to listen to me.”

Seokmin took a deep breath and seemed to think about what to say next, his eyes no longer on the microphone, but on the ceiling.

“And why does he think that about you? You probably gave him reasons, don't you think? I don’t think anyone would think that about someone without anything having happened.”

“I always dreamed of studying abroad, so when the opportunity came, I went. I…"

“Did you tell him you were going?” Seokmin clenched his fists on the desk, his fingers gripped the pen in his hand tightly until his knuckles were white. “Did you give him a chance to say something or did you just walk away?”

You were speechless, eyes focused only on Seokmin. The way his hair perfectly framed his face, his sculpted thin nose. He was still exactly like he was seven years ago, just somehow different. He was the same, but he also wasn't.

You hadn't given him the chance to say anything, you had just walked away, but because you believed it was the best thing to do. You would have stayed if he had asked, I would have aborted all of your plans for him,

“Long distance relationships don’t work” you said finally, your voice lower “especially when there’s an ocean separating people”

“I'm going to guess and say that you were together for a while because I don't think anyone would care that much about a quick relationship” his voice became more sober, completely in control of his emotions, the opposite of what you felt,  like you were enclosed every second that passed “I agree with you, long-distance relationships don’t work. Different cities are already complicated, I can't imagine what it would be like to be with someone who lives in another country. You didn't give many details, but I believe he had reasons to feel that way, just as you had your reasons for leaving without warning. I think the best thing for both of you is to let it fall into oblivion. It makes no sense for either of you to dwell on these feelings. Maybe your desire to talk exists because you think you've left things open with him, but he may think that what's in the past shouldn't be remembered. Maybe you're just a bad relationship he wants to forget.”

Letter #5

Seokmin

I found out by chance that you now have your own radio show. One day it was an empty slot in the schedule and the next it was your voice. To my joy and delight, it was one of those programs that also had video streaming. I say joy and delight in a very ironic way.

But I'm not lying when I say I'm happy for you. You always said it was your dream and in a way, here we are, achieving our dreams. It would have been better if we could have lived through this together, I think. Maybe if that were the case I wouldn't have this empty feeling inside my chest.

But I discovered a long time ago that I can't keep crying over spilled milk. I left and you moved on with your life. They were conscious choices, I knew what I was doing. I knew that making this choice would have hurt both of us, but I also knew that we could overcome it. It's just taking longer than expected. I honestly thought that by this point, so many years later, we would have been able to live as if the past were just that, the past.

But it's not like that for me or for you.

I may be completely crazy, but your show is about love advice and how to deal with heartbreak. Sometimes, when I hear you talk, I'm sure you've already dealt with all your feelings, after all, you've had other girlfriends. But there are other moments, when you answer a question or when you read one of the pre-written texts when I'm sure that what you said applies directly to what we both had.

I'm going crazy, aren't I?

It's been four years since I left. I already finished my master's degree and started my PhD, exactly as planned. I have a date tonight with a guy who seems genuinely nice, but here I am, writing yet another letter that will never be sent to the guy I was in love with.

What am I still doing?

yn

Seokmin had always believed that for a relationship to truly end there must be no trace of it anywhere. When he told his listeners that they should get rid of items, it was not a lie. He was just terrible at following his own advice. The old story of do as I say, not as I do.

Finally, he decided it was time to take his own advice. With a little pain and resentment added to the mix, of course. At this point, he wondered if he could already be considered a masochist or if he still had a few boxes to tick to get the title.

Getting your address had been easier than expected. All he had to do was ask Niah, who offered the information without any resistance.

“Being thirty didn't make either of you any smarter,” she said as she leaned across the table and wrote the address on the napkin.

“Almost thirty” he felt the need to correct her, but decided he would ignore the hidden message in her words.

Seokmin never stopped going to Niah's restaurant. It was there that he had cried his sorrows over the cheapest drinks possible, he didn't have the money to pay for the good ones, while Joshua tried to console him. He had never seen Niah so stressed and angry. She hadn't said anything, but you could clearly hear the sound of her cutting the vegetables more aggressively than necessary.

Little by little she became calmer about the situation and started talking about you with the same affection as before. Seokmin always thought she had somehow kept in touch with you, or at least found a way to get your number or a way to contact you. At first, he had been angry, but somehow he believed he didn't have that right. It was only after a year that Seokmin decided to ask and the answer he received was “if I still had contact with her, I would have already screamed at her about disappearing without telling anyone”.

Asking Niah for your address was the only option he had. He refused to go to college, where you worked. He didn't know what would happen, whether you would be friendly with each other or the conversation would end in a shouting match just because. Because after years of no contact and considering the way things ended, it was pretty obvious that resentment could resurface — at least Seokmin had resentment up to his neck and knew that not releasing them all at once required almost inhuman self-control. 

He looked at the building one more time before getting out of the car. It was one of those without a doorman. Seokmin knew that if he rang and asked to be let in, the probability of being sent to hell was very high. So he pulled up his cap down and covered as much of his face as he could while he balanced the boxes on his arms.

He stood there like a madman for almost twenty minutes until someone finally left the building. Seokmin felt like he was committing a crime when he slipped through the door before it closed. Even though the feeling was strange he made himself believe it was the only option he had and he really didn't have any bad intentions. He just wanted to return your things and, hopefully, arrange that if you ever met again, you’d simply pretend you don't know each other, instead of talking nonsense to each other.

Seokmin took a deep breath once before knocking on the door. He heard footsteps and a second later the door opened.

When you imagined what your Wednesday night would be like, the only option that crossed your mind was to order a pizza and watch a movie — the random option of Netflix seemed like your best friend and the only possible option because you weren't even able to choose what to watch by yourself.

Not even in your wildest daydreams could you have imagined that Seokmin would show up at your door with two boxes in his hand.

You were partially tempted to close the door on his face, but you knew that doing so would only make the whole situation worse. If Seokmin, who clearly didn't have any good feelings about you, was standing there at your door it was because he had something to say. Or more precisely to hand it over to you, considering the boxes in his arms.

Silently you stepped aside so he had enough room to enter. You wanted to slap yourself for the complete war zone that your living room was in. You were still unpacking the moving boxes, not that you had taken much with you. It was too expensive to send things from one country to another, especially furniture. You had only focused on your clothes and books and a few things you wanted to keep, and that alone was more than you were willing to spend. In addition to the boxes, you had all the things you still had to buy, but you still didn't have the mind to do it.

You had so much going through your head that cleaning the apartment was just another task you wanted to avoid. But it was one that could be left for later. In the few minutes that Seokmin spent there, you wished you had tidied it up, that he hadn't seen how that room represented your life at that moment: a complete mess.

"What are you doing here?" you finally asked when you managed to get your vocal cords to work properly.

Seokmin didn't seem to care about the mess but paid attention to everything else around him.

He placed the boxes on the counter and took off his cap, pressing the brims with his fingertips looking for what to say next. He had rehearsed an almost poetic speech in the car, something about being adults and how your relationship had ended a long time ago, so neither of you should have any regrets left. But the moment you opened the door and looked at him it was as if all the words had simply evaporated from his mind, as if he had never learned to speak in the first place.

It had always been that way with you. Sometimes when he looked at you, even when you were still together, he got lost. He was like a man adrift who had finally found solid land. It was as if he heard a click and the world started to move once again.

One of his favorite things, when you were dating and living together, was being able to come home after an exhausting day and see you sitting on the sofa in the living room, your computer on your lap, while you studied, occasionally shouting profanities at the computer. On those days, Seokmin would simply push the computer away and lay his head on your lap.

“Just five minutes” he used to say with his eyes closed.

You’d laugh, fingers immediately running through his hair, as if it was the most natural movement in the world.

“Who do you want me to insult today? You know my vocabulary is very colorful.”

How many times had he slept in that position, without meaning to, and you had to drag him to bed because “it's comfortable for you, but my legs are numb and you have to take a shower, you won't sleep dirty next to me, sir”.

It was impossible not to wonder where it all went wrong.

“I came to return your things” he pointed at the boxes.

You suppressed the urge to bend down and rummage through the boxes. You wanted to know what he had kept, what he considered important enough to keep for so many years. You knew he no longer lived in the apartment you shared. When you were looking for apartments you saw that that one was up for rent. It was necessary to restrain yourself from choosing it. It wasn't a good apartment, at least not at the time — the photos on the website said the property had undergone renovations two years earlier and had no tenants since. It wasn't big, it barely fit one person, but it was what your extremely limited budget could afford at the time. Somehow you and Seokmin turned that small space into a home full of life. Of love.

In the places where you lived, you bought all kinds of trinkets to fill the space, furniture you didn't need and never used, hoping to imitate, for even a second, the feeling you had in that little 35 square meter apartment.

You never quite managed to do that.

“Thank you” you said sincerely “I thought all my things had gone in the trash”

You laughed and Seokmin squeezed the back of his head and pointed at the boxes.

“I sold what I could, I didn't want to put it in storage because I really thought we would never see each other again. The money is in an envelope”

“Why did you keep all this?” the words came out of your mouth before you could stop yourself “You should have thrown it away or, since you sold it, you should have spent the money”

Seokmin had asked himself that question several times before, sober or not, and he never had an answer. After a while, he simply stopped questioning and accepted it as something he had to do, to have some kind of sanity. It didn’t. Knowing that those boxes were inside his wardrobe, having to go through them the two times he moved, only brought back memories that he would like to forget.

Ever since you had seen each other again for the first time, memories that Seokmin had struggled to bury came to the surface as if they had just happened. He started to dream about you, dreams that range from memories to things that never actually happened, he started to wonder if it would be okay to talk with someone. His brain always screamed NO, so he was stuck just dreaming.

“I don’t have a good enough reason. It is what it is, I guess,” he said.

The last time Seokmin felt so embarrassed around you was right when you met and even then it only lasted a few minutes. The 18 year old Seokmin was much braver than the 29 year old man in front of him.

That boy, without any guilt or remorse, would have asked every question that could cross his mind. You’d say “your mind is beautiful, it even echoes sometimes”. Seokmin wanted to still have some of that boy's strength. Maybe that was the only way to know what he wanted. He wouldn't ask and he knew you wouldn't offer the information to him without being pressured.

“I think in the end, we both got what we wanted.”

You realized you said the wrong thing when you looked at Seokmin’s hands. A second before he was clutching his cap until his knuckles turned white, the next his long fingers were still. You didn't want to see the expression on his face. You knew what you’d find. You messed up, but couldn’t take back what you said.

“You got what you wanted” Seokmin corrected you, his voice firm, his tone hard.

“You always wanted to have a radio show”

“No, I wanted you. I could adapt to everything else if it meant I would have you.”

You shook your head. You knew it wasn't true. Hell, even Seokmin knew it wasn’t true. The first time you talked, Seokmin mentioned how much he wanted to be a radio host and have his own show, of any kind. I don't have a preference, I know I can give anything my own colors. You felt envious of his certainty, of the way he knew he could do it.

“The show has always been your dream” you tried again, despite knowing it was in vain to argue with him.

“My dream was to have a life by your side. You never, not once, told me that you signed up to study abroad, you never even mentioned it. When it was time to go you just got on a plane and disappeared. You never even gave me the chance to follow you. I could have been a journalist anywhere in the world”

Seokmin hated the direction of that conversation, hated being so exposed in front of you after so many years. In the past, it wasn't a problem. Before he wanted to be exposed in front of you, he wanted to share everything he was, every aspect of himself with you. No more. The problem was that he couldn't just stop. A gate was opened and there was no way to close it.

“So, what? Would we both be living based on our dreams? Because this is a dream, and you know it very well.”

You clung to the top rail of the chair, your head lolling forward in an almost futile attempt to stop him from seeing the tears forming in your eyes. You knew you couldn't hold them.

You weren't the type of person who cried often, you did what you could to avoid it, but when the tears came it was impossible to simply stop them from falling.

“Yeah, maybe I was really dreaming, because I believed that you loved me in the same proportion, but it’s quite obvious that you didn’t”

Seven years of pent-up frustration couldn't just disappear, he should have known. He should have imagined that going there would be a problem, that being in the same space as you without any kind of interference was a mistake. But he was still there and there was no way to escape. It was better to end everything quickly than to keep those feelings for another seven years in the hopes of one day being able to say something.

Seokmin watched as you went to one of the boxes in the corner of the room and opened it forcefully, tearing the cardboard, and causing some of the contents to slide across the floor. He felt his body freeze as a roll of film stopped at his feet.

“So explain to me, why do I buy a roll of film every time I pass by a store?” you put both hands inside the box and took out several rolls of film, of different brands and models. “Explain to me, why have I followed your career all this time and never missed a damn show in the last 3 years? Why would I wake up in the middle of the night to watch the broadcast and then listen to the show again while going to work because I just wanted to hear your voice?”

You walked to another box, but you opened this one a little more carefully as if wanting to protect the contents.

“Why did I spend 7 years writing letters that would never be read to a guy I never loved?”

You threw several envelopes at Seokmin’s chest. Your face and body shook out of anger or another feeling he couldn't quite tell.

Seokmin bent down to pick up one of the envelopes from the floor. His name was written in your careful handwriting. He didn't need to look at all the other ones to know that they were also addressed to him. He didn't know how many letters were scattered on the floor, or if there were any left in the box. The only thing he was sure of was that he had no idea how to proceed.

“If that doesn’t say I loved you, if that doesn’t say I still love you, I don’t know what the fuck does.”

Seokmin saw the first tear run down your face and fell silent. He knew he should turn his back, he knew he should walk away, just like you did seven years before. Instead, he took four steps in your direction, his eyes never left your heaving chest and the tears that ran freely over your cheeks. 

At that moment he knew that he only had two options: he could turn around and leave, he gave you back your things that alone made his plan a success; or he could kiss you like he had been wanting to since the moment he saw you again.

To hell with his plan.

Seokmin held your face in his hands and pulled you to him, crashing his lips on yours. It was an all too new feeling but also familiar, almost like coming to a remodeled home. It was him and it was you, if only it was just that simple. 

You sighed into him, your arms wrapping around his slim waist while your hand balled a fist full of his shirt. There were so many moments where you wished you could be right in that spot, again in his arms. Dreams and daydreams, wishful thinking, whatever you could call it. Thoughts of Seokmin had always been a constant in your mind. It was impossible not to compare other people you went out with to him. 

Your longest relationship had been one of almost a full year. Although the beginning had been good and easy, with you somehow managing to avoid any and all Seokmin related dreams and thoughts, it turned sour the second he crossed your mind.

“Seokmin, I…”

He shook his head and pressed his forehead to yours, eyes so intense that it was difficult to keep looking at him. 

“Let’s not overthink it, okay?” was all he said. 

You held his face for a couple, searching for something in his features, anything at all, that could indicate that the moment wasn’t for that. But all you saw in him was the same emotions you felt, the same need and desire. 

You pulled Seokmin to you again, this time hungrier, your chest pressed to his. Your mind was loud telling you all the reasons why you shouldn’t be doing that, why having him so close to you was truly the most dangerous situation you could possibly put yourself in. But all of those voices, all of those words and thoughts were silenced the moment he kissed you again. 

His lips were hungry, demanding all of you. And it was so easy to just give in to him, to his hands roaming on your body, down your back until he reached your ass. He gave it a light squeeze and ran his hand back up again, this time under your shirt. You moaned softly at the contact of his skin on yours, as he kissed your neck, bitting on the exact same spot he found years before. 

He smiled over your skin. 

“At least this hasn’t changed”

It was all too much but not nearly enough. Just having him that close to you was dizzying enough but him touching you and enjoying the fact that you were just as weak for him at twenty nine made you never want to let go of him again.

“Where’s your room?”

You took Seokmin by the hand, guiding him through the narrow corridor. 

Your room was barely a room to begin with. You had no furniture except for the mattress lying on the floor, your clothes were either on the suitcase or on the chair on the side. 

“This is unlike you” Seokmin said, his chest pressed to your back while he nibbled on the skin of your neck. 

“I… hm… I” you sturred a little when he bit into a particularly sensitive spot, making him chuckle “I’m waiting on delivery”

Seokmin turned you around in his arms while lightly pushing you down on the mattress. His eyes never left yours as he ran his hand under your shirt, moving the fabric up until your chest was exposed. 

It had been so long since you had been with anyone, it was almost like a reflex to want to pull your shirt back down. Since him, it had been hard to just let yourself be exposed to someone like that. You had become awfully aware of your body and things you never cared for or paid attention to before suddenly became worries. You didn't like that insecure version of yourself but when Seokmin cupped your breast in his hand his touch was almost solemn. 

It was probably the worst timing in the world when you felt tears burn on the back of your eyes. You pulled his face to yours again, trying to hide your tears from him once again. 

Suddenly, his touch was tender when he pushed a few strands of hair away from your face, his fingers careful. 

Seokmin moved down on your body. When you saw his fingers on the waistband of shorts you lifted your hips off of the mattress to help him move the fabric down quicker. 

He kissed your hips and inner thigh. You moaned in anticipation, your hand taking a fist full of his soft hair. When his lips finally found your clit it was like fireworks erupted behind your closed eyelids.

Seokmin was impossibly hard in his pants, embarrassingly so like he was a teenager having his first time. 

He never thought that he would have you in his arms again and yet there you were in front of him, no reservations. Just for him. And for a moment it was like his brain was in short circuit, the small electric waves running all over his body, down to his toes. 

He licked a path from your cunt to your clit. He went down on you almost in desperation, his nose brushing on your clit every now and then. 

"Seokmin..." his name was barely a whisper in your lips, but it was also a chant. 

Your orgasm hits you quickly, leaving you short of air and with shaky legs. You were spiraling in the most enticing way possible. It didn't stop Seokmin though as he kept sucking you frantically. 

You tugged on his hair, pulling him up and to you again. 

I love you,  the words almost fell out of your lips. It would have been so easy to just say them, to be open about your feelings just this once. 

Deep down you knew that that moment would be a one time kind of thing. It was just the kind of moment people sometimes needed to just completely let go of everything. Or in this case, nothing. It was to let go of seven years of complete nothingness and silence.

You opened the button of his jeans and pushed it down, his boxers following along. You wrapped your hand around his cock, pumping him a couple of times. Realization suddenly came over you. You never expected Seokmin to show up to your place, much less that it would lead to that moment, and there wasn't anyone else in your life, so you weren't ready for it. 

"I don't have a condom" you said breathlessly.

Seokmin looked lost for a second, his brain going to his wallet, questioning whether or not he had one in him. 

"I can pull out," he said "if that's okay"

All you did was nod and Seokmin aligned himself with your hole. He pushed in slowly, savoring each moment when your pussy pulled him in until there was no space between the two of you. 

Seokmin kissed you again to give himself time to adjust to you squeezing him. You held his face close to yours, in your eyes a mix of emotions he didn't want to understand. Not in that moment at least.

"I don't want anyone else," you said looking into his eyes, your thumb running over his bottom lip "No one else can make me feel the way you do"

To hell with care and self-preservation. You let go of those the moment you opened the door for him, the moment you let him into your home, the moment you didn't push him away when he kissed you. 

Seokmin fucks you slowly, his pace torturous as you beg and beg for more. He intertwined his fingers with yours and held one of your hands above your head while the other one held your hips in place. 

"Seokmin... harder"

And it's like a switch has gone off inside his brain. His once slow pace becomes shallow. The sound of your breaths and his skin slapping against yours were the only ones heard, echoing through the empty room. 

Your orgasm sneaks up on you, catching you so off guard you scream because it's too much. 

You pushed Seokmin away and watched in ecstasy as he wrapped his hand around his cock, his hand working fast as your name left his lips when his release fell on the sheet by your side. 

Seokmin dropped his body over yours again, his forehead on your shoulder. You closed your eyes and ran your hand over his hair. 

"I love you" you allowed yourself to say, even if it meant nothing to him. 

Letter #6

Seokmin,

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm coming home. Or the closest thing I still have to a home. Needless to say, my mother is happy with the news. She's been tormenting me for years, asking me to come back, but since I set foot here I decided I wasn't going back.

I wanted to, but I wouldn't go back.

Every time I thought about going back, the first thing that came into my head was the last image I had of you. Your teary eyes wishing me a safe flight, saying I love you and hope you accomplish everything you want. I regretted it the moment I gave my things away and handed my passport into the hand of the airline girl. I should have come back, I should have given up, but I couldn't. That old story of putting myself first and second, you know how it goes. In this case, my entire top 10 was just different versions of me.

I think I actually felt scared because as time went by, little by little without me realizing it right away, you became a very big part of my life. A part that could change everything. I felt like I depended on you too much. It wasn't fair to you or me.

We were only 22, Seokmin. When we were so young, we thought that life was conquered and today I know that is not the case. Far from it. At 22 I had a degree and worked part-time at a cafe to pay the bills, just like you.

You might think I'm selfish, I'm sure you do based on the things you say on your show. I was selfish and on some level, I don't regret it. I did what I always planned to do, what I always wanted to do. And now I'm coming home.

Part of me wants to run and find you, explain why I made the decisions I did, why I never told you. But I know you won't want to listen to me. I wouldn't want to listen to me either. Why would I listen to someone who left just like that? It really wouldn't make sense.

But another part, this one a little more rational, says that I shouldn't throw salt into the wound after so many years have gone by. I have the scar here, hidden enough for no one to see, but prominent enough for me to remember what I did every single day.

I think that's what I'm going to do. I think that's what I have to do. It wouldn't be fair to just show up in front of you and say “hi, I'm back” after seven years.

You have become a big “what if” for me. What if I had stayed? Would we have stayed together or would our relationship have ended years ago? What if I had told you what I was doing while I was doing it? Would you have asked me to stay? What if I had given the possibility of a long-distance relationship? Would we have worked out or would you start to resent me for leaving and end up hurting each other anyway?

The most absurd thing is that I still like you, I'm still in love with you. I've always heard that distance makes love end or something like that. I haven't seen you in seven years, I don't know what's going on in your life — you're really good at hiding everything being a celebrity now — so it doesn't make any sense that my feelings haven't changed even after all this time. This guy I see online might not be the Seokmin I fell in love with, just like I'm not the same person you remember.

Every time I hear your voice I still feel butterflies in my stomach. I sleep and dream about you. When I wake up I think about you and I wonder if you think about me too. It is not normal. It's not healthy. Life went on and I think it is our obligation to move forward together. We are not a museum to only feed on the past.

Let's continue as we are now, what do you think? We will once again be in the same country, in the same city, but I think it's best for both of us to pretend that nothing will change. It's a huge city, what are the chances of us meeting?

yn

Before you even opened your eyes, you already knew what you would find. Or who you wouldn't find. You knew the space next to you on the mattress would be empty. You had noticed the exact moment Seokmin had gotten up, but you forced yourself to believe that he had just gone to the bathroom. You had kept your eyes closed and had somehow gone back to sleep.

You had been naive to think that the night had changed something, that the way everything seemed like it would be fine was an indication that things had finally gotten back on track. If any, the train simply ended up derailing.

When Seokmin kissed you it was magical, no matter how cliché and teenage it may sound. It was as if the world had fallen into place again, as if you had finally returned home after being away for so long. You couldn't help but wonder if that was why you'd taken the job, in the foolish, unconscious hope that there might be a chance, however slight, of being with him again.

You forced yourself to sit up and pulled the sheet up to cover your naked body. The shirt and shorts you wore the night before were next to you on the floor, but you refused to wear those clothes, opting to rummage through the boxes in the corner of the room looking for clean ones.

You didn't want to go to the living room, didn't want to be mocked by the two boxes that Seokmin had left on the counter, but you couldn't help it. It was as if your feet had a life of their own. When you realized it, you were already sitting on the living room floor with the two boxes in front of you.

You momentarily decided to ignore the smaller black box and pulled the large one closer. The first thing you saw was the envelope Seokmin mentioned the night before. Money, especially the one in the envelope, wasn't something you were going to worry about. You didn't care about it, you didn't lie when you told him that he should have spent it. That money would remain untouched.

There were also a few books you read and made annotations on, two stuffed animals, and all the picture frames you had left behind.

One of the things you regretted the most was not taking with you when you left were photos of you and Seokmin. You had only taken one, which was folded inside your wallet. It was already so old and worn out that it had almost turned to dust, but you would never get it out. It was you and Seokmin at Niah's old restaurant, he was smiling at the camera while you looked at him. It was your favorite picture.

At the bottom of the box was the camera you had given Seokmin as a birthday present a few months before you left. You had saved whatever money you could for months to buy him the camera he wanted, one that he always talked about and whenever you passed by a store you stood outside looking at it, almost as if it would magically appear in his hands.

You understood his reasons for leaving the camera there — or, at least, the reasons you could imagine—but you wished he had kept using it. Not because it was a gift from you, but because it was something he wanted. His smile was so big when you gave it to him, the tip of his nose slightly pointed down because of it.

Carefully you put everything back inside and put it aside.

The smaller box, for some reason, was scary. It was light and black, and you could hear its contents moving as you held it in your hands. You took one last deep breath and removed the lid.

Inside were photos you had never seen before. Photos of you alone, Seokmin wasn't in any of them. In none of them were you posing or smiling directly at the camera.

Most of them had been taken from a distance, without you noticing. In some you were inside the cafe where you worked, smiling at customers and serving tables, in others you were simply walking down the street, looking through window shops and pointing at something. Seokmin had taken countless photos of you without you even realizing it.

It was strange to see yourself through his eyes, even if it was a version of you that no longer existed. A much younger and more optimistic version. Did I smile that much? you couldn't help but ask. You never saw yourself as particularly optimistic or constantly smiling. You were happy, that's undeniable, but you didn't know that's how people saw you.

There were so many photos, from completely different moments, both from the beginning of your relationship with Seokmin, and from all the phases you went through together.

Behind the pictures were the post-its that you left around the apartment, reminding Seokmin of somewhere you had together or simply saying that you loved him. So many had a simple “I love you” written on them, others said “have a good day today!”.

You had no idea he had kept them. You always thought that once read, they were discarded, but there they were, intact as if you had just written them.

The very first one you had ever written, when you had just started dating, was also there. At the time, unlike Seokmin who never had a hard time expressing how he felt, it was almost impossible for you to be openly honest. So you wrote it on a post-it and stuck it inside one of his notebooks. He had shown up at the dorm a few hours after you left the library.

“Say it again, but this time looking at me”

You frowned, pretending you didn't understand.

“Your nose is beautiful”

You laughed when Seokmin wrapped his arms around you, squeezing a little, trapping your arms close to your body. His face was very close to yours.

“What you wrote in the note” he said softly, his cheek pressed against yours “Say it again, please”

The truth was that you had loved Seokmin, in a way you didn't believe was possible and maybe that was why you spent the last seven years writing letters to him.

Seokmin never left your mind, not truly. There was always a desire, even if veiled, to return home, to find out how he was, to just say “I know I messed up, I’m sorry”.

It was that desire that made your entire body go cold as you took one last item out of the box. A smaller box that fit in the palm of your hand. You knew what it was before you even opened it and opening it was the worst choice at that moment. Your heart, which was already broken, somehow managed to break even more, into a billion, shiny, new pieces.

Seokmin would have proposed if you hadn't left.

When the first sob echoed through the living room, you didn't try to hold it back, you just accepted the feeling of being absolutely lost and heartbroken.

The weather outside the building seemed to mimic the way you had felt in the last few weeks, torrential rain that had no end in sight. You watched the news hoping for an improvement, hoping that the rain would stop for at least a few hours, but it seemed like a distant dream.

All your students were already gone and there was nothing left for you to do. The handed in assignments were graded and the tests were ready to be applied the following week. You had never hated yourself so much for simply doing your job. You wanted to be, at least for that day, like other teachers who left corrections until the last possible second and left students desperate for their grades.

The hallway was in complete silence, a clear sign that everyone had left already. And you had already waited hours for the rain to stop, until the sky was completely dark, and if anything the rain had only gotten worse.

You sighed and picked up your bag from the chair. You wouldn't risk taking any books, papers, or documents home, the possibility of everything getting ruined was too big. Besides, you needed a rest, at that point it was well deserved.

Ever since you had opened the boxes Seokmin left behind, you had immersed yourself in work in every way possible. You had accepted all of the dean's requests and even offered to teach extra classes whenever there was a missing professor.

And even so, even though you had more work than you wanted, you still found time to look at all of his social media. You still listened to all his programs, even listened to the old ones before going to sleep.

It was almost like a form of elaborate torture done solely and exclusively with you in mind. And worst of all, it was self-inflicted. It was as if your brain liked it, begged for it.

The box with the engagement ring was next to your pseudo bed. It was the last thing you saw before going to sleep and the first thing you saw when you woke up. Instead of spending hours on your phone, you sat there, staring at the small box.

You hadn't dared to open it again. You had never felt so lost as you did that day, looking at that ring.

You wouldn't be a hypocrite to say that you had never imagined your life if you had married Seokmin, but before it was nothing more than a daydream. The ring made that dream an attainable reality. It had been in your hands and you just walked away.

A curse left your lips when you noticed that the umbrella you had used that morning was missing from the umbrella holder next to the door.

“Great, that’s exactly what I needed” you muttered, slamming the door shut behind you.

You were tired, exhausted to tell the truth. All you wanted was to get home, take a shower, and watch some relationship reality show, to escape the tragedy that was your own love life.

You closed your eyes and sighed as you reached the entrance. The next bus stop or subway station was at least a 15 minute walk away. That was a problem that existed when you went to school there, everything was far away. One would think that they would do something to improve that, but one would be wrong.

You thought about taking shelter in the nearest coffee shop, but you knew it was almost closing time. You wouldn't be the person who forces employees to stay late, not when you had worked at that exact coffee shop years ago.

Even with your heavy coat covering most of your body, the rain was cold on your back and it was hard to see anything ahead, even if it was just a few steps away. Even the sound of cars was muffled by the rain.

“yn?” a car was on your left, and it was moving at the same speed as you. The face of whoever was behind the wheel was blurred by the rain, but you would have recognized that voice anywhere in the world.

“Let me give you a ride”

You shook your head. The last thing you should do was get in the car with him. It was too dangerous, you were sure that if you looked at him for more than a second you’d start crying. Just by hearing his voice your eyes were burning and a lump was forming in your throat.

“It’s fine, the bus stop is right there”

“There was an accident back there, the bus won’t be here anytime soon”

You grumbled. Of course, there was an accident, of course, there wouldn't be a bus and with your luck, the subway would probably be closed too.

"If your car went through the accident, a taxi will too”

You quickened your pace, not because of the rain, but because you wanted to get away from him. You needed to get away from him.

“Jesus, yn, just get in the car. You’re going to get sick”

You pretended you didn't hear what he said and kept walking, face down – trying to escape both the rain and him. The first tear fell from your eyes. For the first time in days, you were grateful for the rain, because you could pretend it was just water and not a visual representation of your broken heart on your cheeks.

Seokmin stopped the car right there, in the middle of the street. He didn't care if someone was standing behind him honking like crazy — something that was bound to happen.

When he left your apartment that day he felt like he was 22 again, but this time he was the one leaving.

Hearing that you loved him was everything he had wanted, but the timing was strangely right and wrong, both at the same time.

Both of you screamed, shouted, and said what you wanted to say — or at least part of what you wanted to say. A weight had been lifted from his shoulders, at the same time a new one was placed on it.

After you fell asleep in his arms, the only thing Seokmin could think about were the letters scattered across the living room floor. There were so many. He couldn't believe you had spent all those years writing letters to him.

He needed to read them all. He would have done it in the living room, but he didn't know what awaited him, so he collected them all from the floor and a few more that had been left in the box and left.

He read the first one in the car, he couldn't wait until he got home. 

Seokmin cried right there, the same way he cried when you left. Inconsolable. His heart broke and healed in equal measure with every word of yours he read.

Seokmin always believed that you left like that, without a single word, because you didn't like him that much, because you didn’t want to be with him anymore. Not that he thought the entire relationship had been a lie, but he thought that somehow the love had ended. It happened to everyone, the probability of it happening to him was also high.

The truth could not be different. There wasn't a letter in which you didn't say you loved him, not always in those words, but he knew you well enough to know that was what you said.

After reading all the letters, Seokmin called Joshua. He cried on the phone with his friend and then once again when he showed up at his place with bad beer and takeout food. “Since we’re going to talk about our college days, I think we should do the same thing we did back then” was all he said.

Seokmin was on his way to you when he saw you walking without an umbrella. He wanted to talk to you, to know if even after so long you still wanted to try with him one more time. It was better to try than to always wonder what could have been.

“I read your letters!” he shouted louder than the rain.

His words were enough to make you stop walking, but you still didn't turn to face him. It was too hard to breathe. Your chest rose and fell irregularly each time you tried to pull the air in.

You knew Seokmin had taken the letters. Part of you knew he would read them, but the last thing you expected was for him to want to talk about them.

“I know” you said when he approached “I saw they were gone, and you were the only person who came by”

“Do you know why I accepted to host a love advice show? Besides it being something I've always wanted, of course” he didn't give you time to answer “Because a part of me wanted you to listen, to know that I was okay, even if it was a lie. I thought that if I talked about it on a show that had used the nickname you gave me, you’d regret it. I thought that I should make you regret it because it was the only way I could still think about you without looking like a fool after so long. I thought you didn’t care, that you had left because you didn’t like me anymore, so making you regret your decision was the only option I had”

You shook your head. It wasn't true, not by a long shot.

“I'm sorry” you said softly “I should have told you what I was doing, that I had applied for the and got in. I thought it was my only option. It was so stupid. I was so stupid”

Seokmin laughed a little, fingers running under your eyes. A second later he pressed his lips over yours.

“I know, I read your letters”

Seokmin,

It's been a good few years since I wrote you a letter. After a while, I didn't think I needed it anymore because I started saying everything I wanted, everything I felt, looking at you. Of course, this new arrangement has its demerits, as the paper and pen don't look at me like a lost puppy. But paper and pen don't kiss me either, so it has its bonus.

I thought when I came home four years ago, I would never see you again. I thought you would just be the guy who has a radio show that I would listen to every now and then. I didn't expect to see you my first week back and again and, well,  again.

As you probably know, I've never been a big fan of rainy days. I always preferred sunny days because those were the days I woke up ready to face the world. I felt better overall. But also because they reminded me of you. You know, when the sun appears after gray days? For me, you were always like that. Grand and brilliant.

But after that day, I started to like rainy days too because they started to be full of the two of us. Rain was no longer synonymous of an unproductive day, but rather of the memory of our fresh start.

You know this, we've talked about it a few times, but I spent a few months waiting for it to sink in. Sort of expecting that one day I would wake up and it would all be a dream. It was hard for both of us, I know. It was seven years of hurt and resentment and we had to navigate this uncertain sea without a map. Nobody teaches you how to do this, believe me, I looked. I found countless books on how to start dating, how to save a relationship, and how to get over a relationship. The problem is that none of them teach you how to rekindle a relationship after seven years apart, but during those seven years one of the parties wrote letters and the other had a program just to mourn the sorrows of the relationship.

I've read several, so you can trust what I say on this.

It really wasn't easy, but I think we came out better, stronger, in some way.

I love you and I’ll tell you that every day for the rest of our lives. Our forever begins today, in a little while. So stop crying, put ice on your eyes to help the swelling go down, and go to the aisle because I miss you already.

I love you.

yn

taglist: @wonwooz1, @mirtaspace, @feat-sun, @belladaises, @mayashu, @immabecreepin, @miriamxsworld, @aaniag, @k-drama-adict, @maiamorrrrrrrrrrrr, @roguesthetic, @sofix-hc7, @scarlet789, @moonlightgrleric, @mixling-blog, @haowonbins, @slut4donghyuck, @shuabby1994, @anthropologymajorkpopmultistan, @plumings, @shuasdrafts, @aaasia111, @bouclesdefeu

if you enjoyed reading, please reblog or leave a comment, it really does mean the world to me and i would love to know your thoughts. thank you! 💕

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[emotionalmotionsicknessxx]

So you want to see the 1988 Phantom of the Opera proshot at the New York Public Library...

If you know one thing about me on this internet it's that I love when things are spelled out and easy. This weekend my friends and I went to the New York Public Library (NYPL) Theatre on Film and Tape Archive (TOFT) located at Lincoln Center to watch the Phantom of the Opera proshot. I saw some how-tos and asked friends who have already seen it, but it was still a little confusing and I wanted to clarify how my experience went:

Bottom line: if you can make your way to NYC, you too can see the Phantom proshot from 1988 starring Michael Crawford, Sarah Brightman, and Steve Barton and lose your mind :)

Here's how I did it:

I showed up to the New York Public Library Library of the Performing Arts located at Lincoln Center with my two (2) also phanatical friends. We were vibrating. We went when the archive opened at noon. Hours can be found here.

We were directed to the third floor where the archive is. We had to check our bags (but were able to bring whatever in - I brought my phone, a pen, and a notebook for notes)

We met the sweetest librarian who was so helpful - he got us on computers to apply for NYPL library cards AND special collections cards. If you live in NY, you can get a regular NYPL card. If you are from out of town, they will give you a NYPL visitor card (good for 3 months!) We filled out applications you can find here and here if you are curious about the questions asked. Many questions are optional! Note: there was some scuttlebutt about needing to be a student or researcher or even an expert in the field - you don't need to say why you're there unless you want to! I kept it brief: said I was an independent researcher and there for personal interest. They are just happy people are using our libraries! Sign the letter here to stop the mayor from closing our libraries

Once we had our cards (NYPL Card AND a special collections card/number) we were told to head to the archive, where we met a second, lovely librarian who was excited we were there. You can ask for any show that isn't currently running (sorry Hadestown nation). You can find a list of what they have here. All titles available at TOFT begin with the call number NCOV, NCOX, or NCOW. Note: we did not make an appt ahead of time, and luckily no one was watching Phantom but our friend wanted to watch Great Comet and someone already had it. To avoid this, make an appt. To make an appointment, call (212) 870-1642 or email toft@nypl.org.

We signed off to use the archive and were off to the races! That's it! We were put on three monitors and I controlled the pausing and replaying of the tapes. You can replay as much as you want, and can even ask for other plays/musicals that you want to watch during your session there. I took notes in a notebook, I saw other people taking notes on their phone. There are cameras to make sure you aren't doing any recording or photo taking. Note that you can only see this proshot once without special permission, so if you want to come back you'll need to look into what that permission is.

If you're interested in what was actually IN the beautiful, spectacular, amazing, never before been done proshot (it's from May 25, 1988 by the way) listen to my/our podcast, Leroux Less Travelled!

My inbox is open if you have more questions! I hope this clarifies how easy it is if you're ever in NYC!! We will get through phantom-drought together :)

[back2bluesidex]

Monitoring Duty - JJK

Pairing: Idol!Jungkook X Managerial staff!Reader

Theme: Fluff, f2l (kinda), coworkers to lovers (kinda)

Summary: You are tasked with monitoring Jungkook's weverse live tonight, which starts with you trying to shove ramyeon down your throat and ends with Jungkook confessing that he likes you too.

Wordcount: 1.7k+

Warnings: None.

A/N: trust me, I had no plans of writing this one but couldn't really get this idea out of my head... so, please suffer with me. thank you very much. and it's really stupid so please forgive me.

Weverse: 🌟JK started a LIVE  - I am tired..

Your phone dinged with the notification. You know what it can be and you are prepared but currently you are struggling to chew and swallow the last bit of cup ramyeon, so that you can finally get into your monitoring duty. 

Drinking the water in a breath and debunking choking possibilities, you reach for your work laptop. Opening the application while putting down the password doesn't take you more than 10 seconds. 

And finally you are in. Now all you have to do is to monitor Jungkook and take appropriate actions when there is an inappropriate situation such as, he falls asleep, or he spoils his upcoming schedule, or he gets repetitive calls from a sasaeng etc. 

You melt on the hotel couch. Your limbs feel like jelly due to all the workload you have been through since 4 am in the morning. Being a managerial staff of a Kpop idol is neither fancy nor pleasant. While thousands of fans dream of being at your place, you want nothing more than a year long break. But then again, the pay is good and you are in need of money as well as a strong professional profile. 

And another reason for you pursuing this gruesome job is, the man you are currently monitoring. 

It has been more than two years since you joined Hybe. For the first year you worked with the entire team and for the last one year, you have been appointed as one of the managerial staff of the maknae.

You don’t know when in this last one year, you started to grow and harbor some kind of fondness towards Jungkook. Not that you don’t know the rules and regulations of the company (most of which don’t apply in terms of BTS), you can recite those better than your phone number, but still… staying immune to Jungkook’s charms, and especially the way he treats you with all the kindness of the world (which makes you wonder at times whether feelings are mutual or not), wasn’t possible for you. 

You know it’s foolish, you know there will be no return to your affection but you still like to enjoy this feeling of liking him, adoring him from afar, praying for him in silence. You will move on someday, but as of now, your focus is trained on him and only on him. 

“Oh the festival? The festival was crazy! You know it’s the first time I have performed in a festival all alone without the members, so it was scary and I was nervous. But seeing the other artists enjoying themselves and watching you guys cheering for me helped me a lot. Hope you guys liked it.” Jungkook giggles. You mirror his actions while watching him through your laptop screen. 

If you put your ear on the wall, you could probably hear his mellow voice piercing through the thin cement of the overpriced hotel room. You are given the room beside him for handling emergencies quickly and he doesn’t even know that. He doesn’t even care, does he? 

You shake off your thoughts as you try to focus on the live.

Jungkook restlessly talks and tries to interact with the fans despite being dead tired. You have been with him all day long and you know how hectic things were. He has hardly got any sleep since the day he landed in the US. Interviews, performances, event invitations, everything was lined up one after another. It all ended with the Summerfest performance today. Just this one live and after that he will get to rest for a couple of days before catching a flight back to Korea.   

You roll your eyes as Jungkook starts to sing to comply with the request of a fan. 

“He just performed for an hour and twelve minutes! And you people still want him to sing? Even when he is clearly tired?” you groan at the screen. Most of the time you respect fans’ love for Bangtan but sometimes their nonchalant demands really piss you off.  

Jungkook finishes signing and starts coughing immediately. You follow the live stream as he leaves his chair and starts looking for water in the refrigerator. 

He coughs some more and then with a very choked voice, says, “ah! Guys! I’m running out of water. Should I drink water from the faucet then?” 

You grab two bottles from the nightstand as soon as possible and run towards his room. 

Within a few moments of ringing the bell, Jungkook appears at the door. At first his eyes go wide seeing you standing there wearing an oversized tshirt and a pair of sweats, then his eyes fall on the bottles you have in your hold. He coughs again and you hastily open the cap of one of the bottles and thrust it towards his lips. He grabs it immediately and drinks until he is satisfied.  

You try not to stare at the way his adam’s apple bobs when he chugs water down or the way he wipes his lips to get rid of the remnants of water, but fail miserably and you guess Jungkook notices that too, otherwise there is no apparent reason for him to smile sheepishly. 

“Thanks” he says, closing the bottle, “so… you are on monitoring duty tonight?” 

“Yeah. Are you okay though? You have been coughing since morning.” You reply, neglecting the way your skin heats up because of Jungkook’s intense stare at your smaller form. 

“I am fine, Y/N. Much better now that you are here…” Jungkook pauses, your eyes widen at his statement, “with the water I mean.” both of you chuckle nervously. 

“Umm.. I will wrap it up quickly okay? I don’t want to overwork you. Just give me ten more minutes.” 

“Jungkook, it’s alright. Take your time. I like to watch you doing silly stuff anyway.” you smile and he giggles. 

“It felt nice… hearing you say that.” Jungkook gives you one of his bunny smiles as his dark orbs find yours. You two stay there staring at each other, without giving a damn about the 10 million people that are currently staring at a chair, until reality finally seeps into your veins again. 

“Bye. Good night.” you murmur as Jungkook nods. 

He is already back at his seat when you come back to your room and sit on the couch. 

“Jungkook-ah, I wish I had a better word than love to explain how much I love you.”

Jungkook reads a comment. 

“Umm… better word than love? Is there anything like this?” He thinks for a moment, squirting his eyes, placing his index finger on his chin and pretending to think hard, “I watched a drama where the male lead confesses his love for the girl he likes saying something like ‘the moon is beautiful’ and I think that was really romantic. So, from now on if you want to say that you love me beyond explanation, use ‘the moon is beautiful’ and I will understand right away. Okay?” 

You see as the comment section goes wild with “moon is beautiful” comments rapidly. Fans really love him a lot and he too, is so dedicated to his fans that sometimes you get jealous. 

Within five more minutes, Jungkook is saying bye and turning the live stream off. You leave a sigh of relief, nothing went wrong under your watch and now you can finally sleep. 

You hit the bed with a thud, wrap the duvet around your body and close your eyes only to be startled by the vibration of your phone that is kept on the nightstand. 

You grab your phone with an annoyed huff, which vanishes when you see it’s a text from Jungkook. 

“Do you wanna grab a beer? If you are not asleep yet?” 

And the next moment you are bolting towards Jungkook’s room, fucking your sleep and nighttime rest. 

You two settle comfortably at the balcony, talking about nothing and everything at the same time, while staring at the night sky. Gradually you forget that you are tired and you haven’t got any sleep for almost 20 hours now. But who cares. If having no sleep exchanges a bit of quality time alone with Jungkook then you would gladly stay awake night after night. 

“Jimin hyung texted me earlier, saying I did a great job.” Jungkook says, sipping on his beer. 

“See, you were panicking for nothing. You always do a great job.” You reply, he chuckles and then for a minute or so, you two fall into a comfortable silence. Until Jungkook decides to break it.

“The moon is beautiful.” Jungkook whispers and you hear it loud and clear. Your heart stops beating for a moment. You stare at the said moon blankly. You don’t know if it is what you think it is. Maybe you are wrong, the moon is really beautiful tonight and that pact he made, is between him and his fans, it has nothing to do with you. On the top of that there is no way he feels something for you. You are just a nobody, nothing in front of him and his grandiose life. 

So you reply, “yes, it is.” 

“Y/N… You have been watching the live and you know what I mean right?” Jungkook’s voice suddenly feels closer to your body. You don’t know if it’s really happening or is it just a fragment of your dream, so you stay silent. 

Jungkook grabs your arms and turns your body to face him. 

And then within a moment you are caged between his muscular body and the balcony railing. 

“Don’t I deserve an answer?” Jungkook breathes on your lips. 

“Do- do you really..?”

“Yes, I do. And I wonder why you didn't notice it when I am always giving you heart eyes, when I am trying to be as close to you as possible, when I am always looking for chances to converse with you, to spend a little bit of time with you.” 

“But- Jungkook..”

“What’s your answer, Y/N?” 

“Jungkook, my answer doesn’t matter. Not when I am one of your employees. It’s prohibited for me.” you try to make him understand. 

“You just need to say yes, Y/N. I can manage the rest.”

“I will get fired.” 

“You won’t. Don’t you trust me?” 

“I do.” “Then let me take care of things okay?”

“Okay.” You smile at him, as he connects his forehead with yours. You breathe in him, his scent, his warmth and his affection for you. You don’t know about the future, you don’t have a clue about the struggles you are about to face. But you know you love him and he loves you back. So maybe things will be alright. You will let Jungkook take care of things as he wants, as for now, when he reaches down to lock his lips with yours, you taste euphoria on him.  

A/N: The idea of "Moon is beautiful" instead of "I love you" is derived from the KDrama "Romance is a bonus book.

Taglist:

@phenomenalgirl9 @soraviie @variety-is-the-joy-of-life @sukunabitch

[loisinherlane]

If You Like Kon-El...

You'll Love Johnny Storm!

AKA welcome to the Kon -> Johnny Pipeline Propaganda. Designed primarily for @mamawasatesttube because I've been bugging them forever but also applicable to all Kon lovers because. Well.

Just look at them.

So to start off, a brief overview of each character's history to highlight their similarities. As this is directed at Kon fans, let's start with Kon:

Created by Cadmus Labs as a replacement Superman, the Kid (later named Superboy and eventually Kon-El) is set free and immediately becomes a menace young hero trying to make his way in the world. At his debut, Kon is physically and mentally fifteen years old and chronologically born yesterday. He knows no life outside of the limelight and being a hero. He's naive but open-hearted, wanting to believe the best in everyone. He's also kind of a huge nerd. Notable moments of manipulation (whether regarded so by canon or not) include his sleezy, money-grubbing manager Rex Leech; his first girlfriend, Tana Moon, who is in her twenties when they're together; and later his relationship with Knockout, a villain who is also an adult. Kon develops in many ways across the years with many fans noting episodes of perceived compulsory heterosexuality with love interests in Cassandra Cain (briefly, after which they both choose to remain friends only) and Cassandra Sandsmark (who has her own comphet issues), as well as hints of attraction to other characters such as Tim Drake and Bart Allen.

Similarly, Johnny Storm debuts at sixteen. He is the youngest member of the Fantastic Four, still in high school, and initially, he has a secret identity (that's not so secret to anyone) in the hopes of being able to keep a normal life. This is swiftly dropped as Johhny grows up. Johnny has a series of romances which have been analyzed under the lens of comphet many times over (and we'll get to that in a bit). There is a notable shift in Johnny's characterization from naive romantic after his marriage to Lyja, a Skrull who disguises herself as family friend Alicia Masters and coerces Johnny into a long-term relationship. After her true identity is revealed, she repeatedly stalks, threatens, and abuses Johnny in the hopes of renewing their relationship. (In mainline canon, this is never successful, and Johnny is always very clear that he wants nothing to do with her.) Afterwards, Johnny becomes very motivated to be in the spotlight and has multiple short-lived relationships with women which never pan out, along with other hints that Johnny may be gay (including an implied sexual relationship with Daken/Akihiro).

To explain why people who love Kon would love Johnny, I'm going to break it down now step by step.

Child Star

Kon and Johnny are both heavily in the spotlight from a young age. While these happen very differently, in that Kon is born in the spotlight and Johnny is thrust into it, the dynamics of being under such scrutiny both create a Lot of image issues.

2. Powers that Require Immense Control

Kon, of course, has his TTK. And Kon is good at using his TTK.

Meanwhile, Johnny's powers of flames also require that he constantly monitors his temperature and how he interacts with his environment. Similar to Kon's easygoing demeanor, Johnny does not let on to anyone how hard he works... something his sister only discovers after their power swap.

3. Manipulative "Love" Interests

As described before, Kon and Johnny both have... disturbing relationships which are not acknowledged fully within canon. Kon, of course, has relationships with two adult women with very little scrutiny about how they were grooming him.

Meanwhile, Johnny has his "marriage" to Lyja, when he thought he was married to someone else. Unlike Kon, Johnny does not want Lyja back.

But still. Interesting parallels.

4. Queercoding

Kon has his relationships with Cassie and Cass, both of which could be analyzed in more detail, but I'll keep it simple here. This does not look like a boy who wants to kiss this girl.

And of course Johnny has multiple scenes where he's uncomfortable with women kissing him.

And... these are actually weirdly similar scenes. Composition-wise.

Really, though, I think there's stronger parallels overall between TimKon and SpideyTorch.

And this is almost a subpoint to this, but Kon being obsessed with wanting to see Robin's face without the mask and Johnny being so mad when Peter erases his knowledge of his secret identity.

5. Underestimated Intelligence

This is a minor one, but both Kon and Johnny are portrayed as not being particularly smart at times for reasons that have... various validity. (More so for Johnny, but this is more about it makes sense for Johnny to think he's not smart.)

6. Nerds

They're just nerds. What can I say?

And, you know, fun that they both like Buffy/Wendy.

7. Guns

This isn't really a parallel, but. Guns.

8. And Last But Not Least... Dying <3

Because I'm running out of panels I can show, I won't go into detail here, but they both have deaths that have a lot fun in the narrative to me... And that's all I will say.

In conclusion: These two are cute, and you should love both of them. Please read F4 for Johnny.

[adafruit]

🎄💾🗓️ Day 18: Retrocomputing Advent Calendar - Commodore 64🎄💾🗓️

The Commodore 64, released in 1982, is one of the ones we keep hearing got many people their start in their own computing history. Powered by a MOS Technology 6510 processor at 1.02 MHz and featuring 64 KB of RAM, it became the best-selling single computer model of all time, with an estimated 12.5–17 million units sold. Its graphics were driven by the VIC-II chip, capable of 16 colors, hardware sprites, and smooth scrolling, while the SID (Sound Interface Device) chip delivered advanced audio, supporting three voices with waveforms and filters, making it a lot of fun for gaming and music.

Featured a built-in BASIC interpreter, allowing users to write their own programs out-of-the-box. The C64’s affordability, large software library, lots of games, productivity, and educational applications made it a household name. It connected to TVs as monitors and supported peripherals like the 1541 floppy disk drive, datasette, and various joysticks. With over 10,000 commercial software titles and a thriving homebrew scene, the C64 helped define a generation of computer enthusiasts.

Its impact on gaming was gigantic, iconic titles like The Last Ninja, Maniac Mansion, and Impossible Mission. The C64 also inspired a demoscene, where programmers pushed its hardware for visual and audio effects. The Commodore 64 remains a symbol of computing for the masses and creative innovation, still loved by retrocomputing fans today.

Check out the National Museum of American History, and Wikipedia. https://americanhistory.si.edu/collections/object/nmah_334636 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Commodore_64

And…! An excellent story from Jepler -

== While I started on the VIC 20, the Commodore 64 was my computer for a lot longer. Its SID sound chip was a headline feature, and many of my memories of it center around music. Starting with Ultima III, each game in the series had a different soundtrack for each environment (though each one was on a pretty short loop, it probably drove my folks nuts when I would play for hours). There were music editors floating around, so I tried my hand at arranging music for its 3 independent voices, though I can't say I was any good or that I have any of the music now. You could also download "SID tunes" on the local BBSes, where people with hopefully a bit more skill had arranged everything from classical to Beatles to 80s music.

Folks are still creating cool new music on the Commodore 64. One current creator that I like a great deal is Linus Åkesson. Two videos from 2024 using the Commodore 64 that really impressed me were were a "Making 8-bit Music From Scratch at the Commodore 64 BASIC Prompt", a live coding session (http://www.linusakesson.net/programming/music-from-scratch/index.php) and Bach Forever (http://www.linusakesson.net/scene/bach-forever/index.php) a piece played by Åkesson on two Commodore 64s.

Like so many things, you can also recreate the experience online. Here's the overworld music for Ultima III: https://deepsid.chordian.net/?file=/MUSICIANS/A/Arnold_Kenneth/Ultima_III-Exodus.sid&subtune=1 -- the site has hundreds or thousands of other SIDs available to play right in the browser.

Have first computer memories? Post’em up in the comments, or post yours on socialz’ and tag them #firstcomputer #retrocomputing – See you back here tomorrow!