#good lord this post was loooooong

[xerith-42]

That AU where Aphmau blows up (PT2)

Me with my rewrite: I want all of these characters to talk about the things they feel and be allowed to feel happy for once!! They've earned it!!

[immediately turns around and writes even more heart wrenching angst]

Fair warning, this post is loooooong and kinda jumps between scenes. I had. A bit more to say.

Content Warning for suicide mention

Unlike everyone else, Aaron had actually slept through the night on the island. Aph had made him promise to get some extra sleep when she saw how tired he had become recently, usually due to overworking himself to keep the island alive and growing. He wasn't posted on any kind of watch shift, he didn't feel anything suddenly when she died, but there was a feeling when he woke up.

A sort of familiar dread. The feeling of birds taking off before a disaster, but he didn't know what disaster they could be flying from. Or if he should follow their lead. Just that when he finally stood up, he just had this feeling. He couldn't place why. At least not at first.

It was when he stepped into Aph's house that he could tell something was… wrong. Both Aph and Lilith were missing. Panic started to fill him instantly, and Aaron desperately fought off memories of his previous family as he raced through the alliance island. He hoped that he was just over reacting, that Aph had taken Lilith to Phoenix Drop or at least somewhere that people knew where they were. He was probably just being paranoid.

Doubt was almost instantly replaced with dread. When Aaron got to Phoenix Drop proper he knew that he was right. He wasn't just being paranoid. He could see Zoey walking towards the tree house with Lilith swaddled in her arms. Aaron could only feel a tinge of relief that she was at least okay. He could tell just from the look in Dante's eyes that Aph was dead. That kind of mourning was far too familiar.

"What happened?" He asked carefully, his body tensing to try and fight the oncoming wave of emotions.

"There was an explosion in the forest, shortly before sunrise," Dante began, taking a deep breath to keep his voice even. He had already done enough crying when he got home, he had to keep himself together in front of others. "Garroth was there, but Zane and Aph… weren't."

"D-Did she leave anything behind?"

"Her diary, which Garroth has. And--" Dante reached into his armor and handed Aaron a folded page. He unfurled it and could once again feel his heart sink as he read over her words. She knew. And he should have known she would do it. It's in a lords nature to sacrifice themselves no matter how foolish it is to do so. "I'm sorry--"

"Don't." Aaron took a steady breath, read the letter over again, and then handed it back to Dante. "I'll go make sure I can move in with Lilith and look after her."

"Right. Let me know if you need any help with that." Aaron just nodded, moving past Dante and pulling the bandana out of the pocket of his cloak. He wasn't sure how much longer he'd be able to hide. Given the pitying look Dante gave him, he wasn't doing a very good job in the first place.

Though Dante's concern was nothing compared to the look of complete despair in Zoey's eyes. They were blood shot, and she had clearly been crying, but even when she wasn't she looked completely miserable. A weary smile spread across her face, but it was quickly replaced with the morose look she wore before.

"I-I'm sorry for taking Lilith without saying anything," She began with a teary voice. "It was just the first thing I thought of when I heard the--"

"It's okay," Aaron answered simply. "Thank you for looking after her." He grabbed a guitar from the weapon stand. Most weapon stands had them now, and it was a top priority to have musical instruments at the ready. Aaron was one of the people who pushed it most. "The little one will be cared for."

Lilith let out a small giggle, reaching for the end of Aaron's bandana as he leaned over her and pressed a kiss to her forehead. He settled back, sitting next to Zoey as he tuned the well loved instrument. [Insert Flowers on the Battlefield here]

The moment Zoey heard the familiar notes she couldn't stop her tears. She tried in vain to wipe them, to hide them from Lilith, but there wasn't much she could do. Aaron himself was only able to hide behind his bandana, but it didn't do a lot. The melody just reminded them of good times, and the crushing defeat of those times being taken away so suddenly.

Nobody knew where Garroth was at first. Travis assumed he'd be at Aph's house, but the place was hauntingly empty. It was from the top of the hill that he could not only hear Aaron's guitar, but he could see Garroth down at the docks, trying in vain to tear out old planks of wood. It was the first time Travis had really gotten a look at Garroth, especially without the armor. He looked… So sad.

He at least wanted Lilith to hear the song one more time. To remember the sound that could so perfectly encapsulate her mother and her impact on those around her. Even if she would never get to properly meet her.

Garroth's head jerked the minute Travis was close enough to notice. Travis nervously held his hands up as a sign of peace, which Garroth just turned away from.

"Hey," Travis said awkwardly. "I'm Travis."

"I guess you already know my name," Garroth replied, refusing to look at him.

"Look I--" Travis held back the urge to put a hand on Garroth's shoulder. "I'm not great at emotional stuff. And I know we really don't know each other, but I-I knew Aph, and I knew Laurance, and they both told me a lot about you. I thought I'd… I don't know." Travis took a shaky breath. "Sorry…"

"Aph was always better at the emotional talks, wasn't she?"

"I wanted to see if I could do anything for you." Travis stepped so he was standing next to the man. "Could at least get that splinter out."

"Yeah." Garroth let out a sigh, tearing another board out and groaning as a splinter slipped into his finger.

"Is there something you wanted?"

"It's not worth worrying about." Travis let out a small sound, almost a laugh, which made Garroth finally look up to meet him eye to eye. Some part of his heart ached at the sight of Travis' bright green eyes. They were almost the same color as Laurance's when Garroth met him. "What's so funny?"

"Aph once said that was one of the phrases she hated the most. That she was tired of her friends and guards saying that to her, because she wanted nothing more than to look after everyone, ensure we were all doing okay at the very least." Travis took a deep breath, hoping that this would be the right move. "She said it was one of the last things you had said to her before running away."

"I was a fool to let Zane get the better of me."

"From what I heard, sounds like you didn't have a choice." Garroth raised his eyebrow. "That companion of his, with the mask? She knew mind control, you really didn't have full control over yourself once she got into your head."

"H-How do you know?"

"I knew the minute Aph described the mask to me. It's something my mother warned me about." Garroth let out a small chuckle, followed by nearly full blown laughter as a tear forced its way down his face. "D-Did I--"

"No, you didn't do anything wrong." Garroth let another tear slip out. "I just, I never knew for sure. I couldn't quite tell what my own thoughts were and what she or Zane wanted me to think. I was worried it was my own foolishness entirely that doomed my friends."

"Well, that's a bit dramatic." Garroth laughed again, almost incredulously.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Sure, you messed up pretty badly, but it wasn't entirely your fault. And even if it was, it hasn't all been bad." Travis gestured to the Phoenix Settlement. "That village is making a real comeback, and it's only getting better every day. And if it weren't for those 15 years, I might not have met everyone." Garroth glanced over at the elder tree that stretched out across the skyline. His arms ached at the memory of her weight in them. He wanted nothing more than to hold her close again.

"B-But she…" Travis awkwardly held a hand out to Garroth, who just stared at it. Travis simply placed his hand in Garroth's and took a deep breath.

"Look, I didn't know Aph half as well as you did, but I do know that she wouldn't want you to blame yourself for this." Garroth turned away, swallowing down further tears. Travis squeezed his hand, before pulling away. "I'll give you some time to yourself. Let me know if you ever need anything." Travis turned, and it was only when he was a few steps away that Garroth finally spoke.

"Thank you," He whispered. Garroth knew he was alone after that, letting him take a step back, and then sit on the part of the docks that wasn't falling apart. His eyes drifted to the diary tucked into his bag. Was there… A page looked out of place. Garroth reached forward and pulled on it, pulling out a fairly worn piece of paper, one that he could tell just from a glance was stained with tears.

Garroth and Laurance,

Oh no.

I know what I'm doing is especially unfair to you two. We all fell in love together, and I wish we could grow old together. There's a chance we still could. But there won't be a chance if Garroth can't be there with us. So I have to bring him back.

Laurance, I can't even imagine how you'll feel. I really wish there was another way, but I can't have anyone else, especially you, sacrificing themselves for something I want. If I could make you do one thing, I'd make you promise not to run away. Please, don't leave him. Please.

Garroth, I'm so sorry. I truly wish there was more I could say to express how much I currently miss you, and how much I'm going to. But you deserve to have a life, to see the way the world has changed because of your bravery, and you deserve to have your chance at a redemption I don't think you need.

I love you both.

"What is wrong with you?!" Vylad roared as he grabbed Laurance and nearly threw him to the ground.

This one wasn't signed. It didn't have to be. It was stained with tears that belonged to more than its writer.

"Ow! The fuck-- Vylad?!" Laurance groaned as he threw off Vylad's grip. The two were just at the edge of the cursed forest, not too far from the borders of Meteli. "What are you doing here?"

"Telling you to go back to Phoenix Drop!"

"I-I can't! Vylad, if I go back there I don't know if I'll be able to control myself."

"You learned to control yourself around her, you can do the same for him."

"I don't know if I can! I couldn't live with myself if I killed him!"

"If you don't go back there he might kill himself!!" Laurence froze. His breathing started to pick up.

"Wh… N-No, Garroth wouldn't. He's stronger than that--"

"He's always been at his strongest with the people he loves at his side. One of them is dead and he thinks it's his fault, and the other ran away from him before he could properly grieve. I doubt many could survive."

"Then why are you here?! He's your brother!"

"Because I don't know my brother. It's been almost 20 years since the last time I saw him face to face, I-I don't know nearly as much about him as you do."

"And what if I lose control? His blood would be on your hands."

"If I don't get you back to him now then it definitely will be." Laurance backed away, his head starting to ache as voices clashed within. The calling was jumping at the idea of going back to him, and Laurance hated that he was going to agree to it. But he had to. If Garroth died without him, because he left… He couldn't even entertain the thought.

"How are you holding up?" Katelyn glanced up at Lucinda, who had just placed a cup of tea on her bedside table.

Laurance took off, shortly followed by Vylad.

"How do you think?" Katelyn bit back. She instantly regretted it when she saw the hurt look in Lucinda's bloodshot eyes. "S-Sorry. That came out… Harsher than I intended."

"It's alright. I'm unfortunately familiar with some of the feelings around this."

"So am I." Lucinda sighed, leaning back and taking a sip of her own tea. "Is that how you're handling it so well?"

"Handling it well? Katelyn, if I didn't have a silencing glyph on my room you would have heard every miserable tear I shed last night." Katelyn frowned at the almost calm look on Lucinda's face.

"Why are you trying to hide it then?"

"Everyone's grieving right now. No need to saddle anyone else with my baggage."

"Like I said, I've got some myself. Why not let me lighten the load?"

"Are you sure?" Katelyn sat up a little more, leaning against the headboard of Lucinda's guest bed.

"I may not know you that well yet, but I know you cared about Aph. I think we all have that in common. Might as well care about her and mourn her together, right? It's what she would've wanted."

"She did always like bringing unlikely people together." Lucinda let out a sad sigh, setting her teacup aside. "During those fifteen years you were all gone, I lost my dad. I-I wasn't sure if everyone was dead or not when you all disappeared, but I saw my dad in his final moments. I held his hand as he passed… I suppose I'm not even sure Aph is dead until I see it."

"You still think she's alive?"

"There's a nonzero chance. Though it could just be a desperate ploy to deny the truth."

"That's what it sounds like to me, sorry."

"No need to apologize. You're probably right. Suppose her dying without assurance has made me think she could do it again."

"She always did have a new trick up her sleeve. I wouldn't put it past her." Katelyn let out a shaky sigh. "Just wish she hadn't done this in the first place."

"You and me both."

"I used to feel the same way about Jeffory."

"Jeffory?"

"An old friend of mine. He and I were in the Jury of Nine together, and he was the only person I could trust for a long time. But then he risked his own life to save Aph, and when he died, I had to know why. I had to understand why he decided this woman was worth risking everything we had built for." Katelyn's hands clenched into fists as she fought tears. "I understand why he did what he did now more than ever."

"Levin!" Malachi called out as he entered their home. "Where are you?" His response was a sniffle from upstairs. Malachi groaned. In spite of his body being younger, he still felt 900 years old, and sometimes just climbing the stairs was exhausting. He found his brother curled up in the window of his room, his music box coming to it's end as Malachi across from him in the windowsill.

Lucinda felt the words she wanted to say getting caught in her throat. She understood exactly what Katelyn was saying, but she had no idea how to respond to it. So she thought about what Aph would do. She reached her hand out to Katelyn, and interlocked their fingers. Katelyn glanced down at their hands, back at Lucinda, and then she smiled. Both of them were clearly on the verge of tears, a hair trigger away from another grief induced meltdown, but for that moment they smiled.

"How are you so okay with this?" Levin asked, his voice laced with an unusual amount of bitterness.

"What in the name of Irene makes you think I'm okay with this?" Malachi replied with an almost too soft tone.

"I-I've barely seen you cry. When Dante told us, all you thought about was making sure everyone was okay, making sure we could repair the damages. Don't you care about her?"

"Of course I do. I know you were young, but I saw mom when she was a lord. She always acted in the interest of everyone else, ensuring everyone's safety before her own. I knew that's what she would have wanted. I thought you would understand that better than anyone."

"It's what we lords do..." Levin sniffled again, a tear pushing down his face again. "Why didn't she say anything to us?"

"What?"

"She left a note with final wishes for everyone, but she didn't even mention us. L-Like she wasn't even thinking about how we'd feel about our own mother throwing her life away!"

"She probably thought we'd be able to handle it. After all, we thought she was dead for all those years before--"

"But this isn't the same! We know she's dead!"

"We don't know for sure--"

"I'm not going to live in denial again!" Tears continued to stream down Levin's face as he looked out over his village. His home. Malachi put a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"Look at all you were able to do without her. She knew we'd be fine without her." Levin sobbed, burying his head into his brother's shoulder as Malachi held him close. "I-I'm going to miss her, but we know how to do this, don't we?"

"I-I don't want to."

"I know. So let's grieve now. We might not get the chance to later with the lives we lead." Levin nodded in acknowledgement, though Malachi could feel his shoulder starting to become wet from his brothers tears.

"Where is he?!" Laurance was almost in a blind panic, his heart racing and his breathing unsteady as he stumbled into the Phoenix Settlement. He felt almost alive. "Where's Garroth?!"

"Thank you." That's all it took for Malachi to join him.

"He was at the docks last time I saw him," Travis answered. "Where have--" Laurance was already gone. He wasn't thinking straight, only worrying about one thing. Just as Laurance reached the top of the hill and saw Garroth standing there, his left leg went limp. Laurance wasn't able to catch it happening before he took a step forward, resulting in him taking a very noisy and not exactly pleasant tumble down the path to the docks.

"Laurance?" Garroth questioned as he stood up and ran over to his lover. Laurance managed to push himself up from the ground and get a good look at Garroth's face. Tear stained. He was alive. He was breathing.

"Thank Irene you're alive," Laurance muttered.

"What?"

"N-Nothing." Laurance managed to get himself to sitting, but there was no hope for his leg coming back anytime soon. Garroth simply sat in front of him, Aph's note still in his hand. "Look, Garroth, I can't even begin to voice my regret. I-I shouldn't have run away from you. It was wrong of me to leave you alone, even if I thought I was protecting you. You're the last person in this forsaken world I would lay down my life for, and I was a fool to think I was doing any good by running away from that." Garroth smiled, and then took Laurance's hand and pressed a kiss to it.

"I'm glad you've come to this conclusion on your own." Garroth turned his hand over and placed her note in it. "I knew you would eventually, considering she already did, but I was worried it would take longer." Laurance's hands trembled as he read over the words, and by the time he was done, Garroth was sitting next to him and wrapping an arm around him, ready for the oncoming wave of emotions that was eventually going to hit Laurance.

He folded the paper, handed it back to Garroth, and then used his still working leg to bring himself around Garroth and wrap him in a proper hug. Garroth instantly wrapped his other arm around Laurance and just breathed. He just felt Laurance's weight, felt his breathing, felt his presence. He was back. In spite of his words Garroth had worried Laurance had truly abandoned him. It was more than he could ask for to have him here like this again.

And even when Laurance began to cry into his arms, Garroth was still eternally grateful.

"I'm sorry--"

"Laurance, it's okay," Garroth assured him. "I understand why you ran."

"I-I just didn't want to hurt you."

"I understand."

"But I love you. I love you so much and I never want to spend a second away from you."

"I love you too." Garroth took a deep breath, before he broke their embrace simply so he could hold Laurance's head in his hands and stare into those beautiful blue eyes. "We're going to get through this, tgoether."

"Irene?"

"Right, together." Laurance leaned forward and placed a kiss against Garroth's lips. It was easily the most alive he had felt since he had undergone his transformation. Even if he was still in an unimaginable amount of pain, even if he might tear his own life apart, even if everything could somehow get worse tomorrow, he was alive enough to kiss the man he loved. That's all he could ask for.

┈┈┈┈┈❀┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈❀┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈❀┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈❀┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈❀┈┈┈┈┈

What...?

"Wake up, Irene. It's not your time to die just yet."

[boombakaart]

just. Stop.

Good FUCKING Lord! Where have all these spambots come from?! In the last three days, I've had this massive influx of spambots following me. I've blocked like, 16. Just stop!! I don't post anything anymore. I'm technically not even supposed to be on here, I'm taking a LOOOOOONG extended break from all social media. For like, a long time. So, kindly fuck off.

**Edit**

Dude, this is exhausting. Every day it's two to five new spambots and I have to report/block. Doesn't matter if I go private because they're still gonna follow. It's really irritating. @Tumblr, are you going to do anything about this influx or are you just going to sit on your asses about this? Gotten worse since that monkey Musk took over Twitter.

[courtingstars]

Notes for The Vanishing Prince: Chapter Nine

Yay, Chapter Nine is finally posted! As I mentioned over on Ao3, I’ve been looking forward to sharing this one for a loooong time. I don’t have much to share in the way of cultural notes, but I still had some pretty big things I wanted to talk about… Like info about the mental health topics from the therapy scene, plus a ton of rambling about things I’ve been researching and/or planning for a while. So if that’s something you’re interested in, well… enjoy? //laughs

As always, I updated the Pinterest inspiration board with images inspired by the new chapter. (I actually did that last month, which was when I originally intended to post the chapter before my schedule fell apart… So anyone who was checking the board during that time got an accidental sneak peak of what was coming next. Oops? ^^;) You can check the board out here.

And with that, on to the notes!

Cut for a writer babbling on and on about mental health research, references to earlier events in the series, and also violins (!!) …

Akashi’s Childhood Friendships

So the first scene of Chapter Nine features a headcanon of mine that has been popping up throughout the series… Which is that when Akashi started going to school, he attended a private elementary school that mainly catered to elite, wealthy families and their children. He was generally encouraged to spend time with his classmates, rather than seeking friends elsewhere, and he never made any close friends from a different social “class” until he started going to Teikou. (Which he joined specifically because he asked his mother if he could go somewhere that was different from his elementary school.)

As this chapter reveals, he never told his father about the friends he ended up making through basketball, because of the values he was modeled earlier in life. This was actually brought up alllll the way back in The Fast Train to Kyoto. (Though it was pretty vague!) In fact, Akashi referenced it in the very first scene:

Maybe it was the echoes of his father’s voice inside his head, just another series of frosty words he ached to forget:

“It is not for an Akashi to associate with just anyone. Your time is valuable, Seijuurou, and so is your reputation. See that you don’t waste it, on trivial pursuits, or persons unworthy of your stature.”

Akashi cringed. ‘Persons unworthy of his stature? What a ridiculous idea. Everyone he had ever known who had made his life worthwhile, had no particular wealth or rank to speak of. (With the crucial exception of his mother.) He had long ago discarded this principle of his father’s as nonsense.

I also explained the backstory with his elementary school and his struggle to make friends in a lot more detail in Chapter Three of Fast Train. (As well as why he decided to go to Teikou, and how he started making friends there, particularly Midorima.)

That aspect of his childhood turned out to be pretty important in the series, so I thought it was worth mentioning that Akashi did talk about it before… Especially since those early values still affect how he sees his friendships, plus it’s one of the reasons why he’s been trying to keep those friends as separate from his home life as possible. (Until Furihata came along and wanted to sleep over at his house, and he just couldn’t say no to his BFF, apparently? //laughs)

Attachment Theory, Disorganized Attachment, and Dissociation

So, uh… I’m not qualified to talk about any of this, like, at all. //laughs That being said, I’ll start with a big disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional, or an expert about this subject in any way whatsoever. So if anything I say doesn’t make sense or I get any of the details wrong, I sincerely apologize in advance! This is just based on the research I’ve done and some first-person accounts I’ve read over the years. As a non-expert, I find a lot of psychology theory to be difficult to research in general… Since a lot of the science is still being studied and verified, and things are becoming outdated all the time.

Okay, so with all that being said… In this chapter, Akashi’s psychiatrist brings up a theory in psychology called attachment theory. If you’d like to learn the basics of how it started, the Wikipedia article has a decent overview of the initial studies. Basically, the theory has to do with the idea that children bond with their primary caregiver (stereotypically the mother, but it doesn’t have to be) either successfully or unsuccessfully, based on how the caregiver responds to the child’s needs. A child who bonds with their caregiver in a healthy, successful way is said to be “securely” attached, while an unhealthy bond is an “insecure attachment.”

From there, it gets more complicated… There are a few different types/forms of insecure attachment, and these types can be classified in different ways, depending on the study. (There’s also something called “attachment style,” which from what I can tell is an idea inspired by attachment theory, that adults will have a general style of bonding that originates from their main caregiver bond in childhood. This idea is often used to help adults work through issues in their adult relationships.) For example, there’s generally an “anxious” form of attachment where the child is overly scared and tends to cling to their caregiver if they try to leave, out of fear that they won’t get the care they need. Then there’s an “avoidant” type where the child tends to push the caregiver away or ignore them, and can seem very apathetic and independent. (Even though they’re actually just as scared on the inside of not being cared for as an “anxious” child.)

As you can imagine, there are a lot of theories about why this happens, and what exactly in the caregiving process could contribute to it. What’s more, some children display both anxiety and avoidance… A form of this is called “disorganized attachment.” As Akashi’s psychiatrist explains, this describes a behavioral pattern where the child clings to their caregiver AND pushes them away, sometimes very close together. This style seems to often develop when the child has been through some kind of early trauma, often severe abuse or neglect. It also seems to be prevalent among people with dissociation disorders, which isn’t surprising, given the common thread of childhood trauma between the two. You can read more about that in this article here.

Actually, I first learned about disorganized attachment—and attachment in general—when I was reading a blog many years ago that was written by someone chronicling their experience with Dissociative Identity Disorder. As I researched the subject in more detail, I came across a few explanations about how children with this attachment style tend to act very confused and distressed around their caregivers, and I found the descriptions really sad… It helped me begin to better understand some of the difficulties that these children go through, and how it affects their minds when they’re still developing. It’s not hard to imagine how a child who longs to be taken care of but also has painful experiences of being denied that care (for whatever reason) can really struggle with trying to make sense of their reality and survive it on an emotional level. And that struggle causes lasting damage.

It’s important to note, though, that some psychologists will caution against assuming that a child’s attachment to their primary caregiver always dictates how they will attach to other people in their life, or in their future relationships. Also, there’s some evidence that children may struggle with attachment issues not just because of the actions of their caregiver, but also due to their own personality/ genetic predispositions. You can read more about both of these topics here.

Way back when I started planning this series, and deciding how to portray Akashi’s backstory, I found myself returning over and over to the concept of disorganized attachment… I wasn’t sure if it would make it into the fic directly, and it’s certainly not the only thing that influenced my portrayal of Akashi’s mental health. But it was definitely something I had in mind from the start, and helped shape the series, so I’m glad that I did end up referencing it in some detail.

The Akashi Family Servants

Since I just introduced the housekeeper, now seems as good a time as any to mention this… Originally, I didn’t plan for the servants who work for the Akashi family to have roles in the series at all? XD Takeda is the only one who’s mentioned in The Fast Train to Kyoto, and he doesn’t have a name. (I refer to him as either Akashi’s “driver” or “valet” depending on what he’s doing… This was actually before I’d decided that Takeda is the one who drives Akashi around when he’s in Kyoto. OTL) Then I mentioned several of the servants during Furihata’s visit in Storming the Castle… But almost no one gets a real introduction? Except for the butler, Ginhara. //laughs

One reason why I took so long to give them names/describe them is that I try to mostly stick to writing about canon characters in fics, instead of creating a ton of OCs. (I consider the families of the KnB characters to be canon, since they’re in the fanbooks. XD) But I enjoy coming up with minor characters, if it feels like a good fit for the story! Still, you can really tell that I didn’t know I would end up using these characters as much as I did, because their names are alllll over the place… Especially Takeda, which is roughly the Japanese equivalent of naming a character Mr. Smith or something? (LOL.) For a while I really regretted that I didn’t come up with a more interesting name for him, since he ended up being in this series CONSTANTLY. Also, I recently received this incredible comment on Chapter 5 of The Fast Train to Kyoto and it’s one of my all-time FAVORITES:

“Yo the drivers probs just sitting in the front like

Mmm this tea is piping hot”

(And they signed their name Yeet too, omgggg XDD)

… So yeah, I have decided this is totally Takeda’s reaction, to Akashi and Furihata’s whole “friend breakup” in the rain in the first story. //laughs

That said, I kind of love that Takeda has such a generic name now? Especially after he showed up at Seirin in sunglasses in this chapter. (Like maybe Takeda isn’t even his real name, because he actually had an exciting former life as a secret agent or something like that, and now he’s working for this super rich kid from a powerful family and maybe he’s actually hiding some epic skills so he can double as Akashi’s bodyguard if he needs to…? I DON’T KNOW, I HAVE WEIRD HEADCANONS.)

In any case, I enjoyed coming up with the characters for the Akashi family staff, even though it took a while! And I’m glad a few of them were able to play an interesting part in sneaking Akashi out of the house, so his dad wouldn’t find out about Furihata. (Though we don’t know what any of them think about that, or not yet, at least. XD) There will be at least one more member of the staff who gets an introduction, which should be coming soon. But for now, we’ve got:

Takeda, Akashi’s personal valet (and driver, sometimes)

Ginhara, the Akashi family butler and head of staff

Umagami Ichiro, Yukimaru’s groom

Inuyama, Akashi’s father’s personal valet

Hanamitsu Atsuko, housekeeper for the Akashi mansion in Tokyo

The Akashi family chef (name???)

(Plus some maids, who I also did not name)

… And as you can see, most of them still don’t have given names, even the ones with family names. That’s how disorganized I’ve been about this. //laughs

Also, I have a feeling no one was actually wondering (lol), but if you happen to remember this scene from Episode 63 in the Teikou arc in the anime:

In my headcanons, this guy is the head chauffeur for the Akashi family household, and he used to drive the whole family around. (Which would mean that he was also mentioned in The Fast Train to Kyoto, in a brief flashback about Akashi and his parents! Where he’s just “the driver.” XD) Now he mostly drives Akashi’s father to work, and sometimes chauffeurs Akashi as well, when he’s in Tokyo. (Whereas Takeda drives him around in Kyoto.) I briefly referred to him as Onoda in Chapter One of The Vanishing Prince, so… I guess that’s the name I came up with for him? //laughs

TL;DR… I’ve really enjoyed writing about the various characters who work for the Akashi family, and I had way more fun including them in the story than I expected. <3 (Maybe I should give in and post character sketches for all the OCs in this series sometime… That would be a project. XD)

Beliefs About Ghosts

I might go into this more in a future chapter, but I did want to briefly discuss how Reo talks to Furihata about ghosts, and how/why they haunt certain places… There are a LOT of different beliefs all over the world about whether ghosts are real, and why they appear. There are also lots of theories about whether they need the help of living humans to pass on or not.

For this fic, I tried to include some of the most common beliefs in Reo’s response, including the “revenge” ghost stories that are super common in Japanese folklore. But it’s not a comprehensive explanation by any means, and there are a lot of people who believe in ghosts and spirits but wouldn’t agree with the ideas Reo mentioned. (Basically, I had to pick among a bunch of different supernatural ideas about ghosts for the fic, and these are some of the ones I chose to include? But that’s not to say that they’re representative of my own beliefs, or of every Japanese person who believes in ghosts, either!)

The Akashi Family Curse (…?)

So I know some readers have been discussing this and making predictions about it in the comments for a while now… And while I don’t want to spoil anything about where the story is going, I’m really excited that I finally got to reveal another piece of the legend/rumors about the Akashi family curse:

Furihata’s mouth dropped open. It never occurred to him that some people might still think that the Akashis were cursed, centuries later. Or that these rumors were somehow connected to their catlike eyes. Was that maybe even how the peasants in the legend came up with the curse in the first place? Were they just creeped out, by this super-rare genetic thing that ran in the family?

Or… could it be true? Could the Akashi family really be cursed?

I can’t remember if anyone specifically connected the dots about the legend being connected to the “catlike” eyes or not… But if you saw this coming, YES YOU WERE TOTALLY RIGHT AND I AM IMPRESSED. <333

As for what the legend/rumors say about how the curse works, and whether or not it’s actually real… I guess I shouldn’t go into that just yet, for the sake of spoilers. XD But hopefully you can have fun guessing for now! And I’m glad I can finally point to the connection between the idea of a family curse and the “catlike eyes” to explain why I kept including so many passages like this one:

He and Akashi were walking through another long passageway. This one was lined with life-sized portraits—and oddly enough, Furihata recognized some of the faces. He had seen them in paintings in the Tokyo house.

“Are these your relatives?” he asked. They didn’t resemble Akashi very much. But a few did have the same unusual, catlike pupils.

Akashi nodded, as he glanced up at the huge frames. “They led the family, several generations ago. This one was my great-great-great-great-great grandfather.”

He gestured to the largest painting. The steel-haired man in the portrait wore a piercing frown. Even his posture was severe, somehow.

… Yeah, there are a BUNCH of descriptions in A Spark of Light of portraits of Akashi’s relatives, and how some of them have the same eyes as him. Also, as I’m sure a lot of people noticed, I mention Akashi’s eyes A LOT throughout the series. And this is one of the reasons why I wanted to emphasize it so much. XD

(Well, okay and also like a lot of fic writers, I enjoy pretty descriptions about eyes. XD BUT I WOULD’VE TRIED TO CUT MORE OF THEM IF IT WASN’T SUCH AN IMPORTANT PLOT POINT… Or so I’ll claim, anyway. //laughs)

And Finally… THE VIOLIN

Ahhh I’m so happy I finally got to post this scene! I’ve been saving the moment of Akashi playing his violin for Furihata for a loooong time… I foreshadowed it briefly back in Storming the Castle, when Furihata notices Akashi’s violin case sitting in his study. But I got the idea for this scene even earlier… All the way back when I drafted that part in The Fast Train to Kyoto, where Akashi plays his violin after he writes to Furihata to tell him they can’t be friends. (YES. IT HAS BEEN THAT LONG.)

So, yeah… I had no idea know how long it would take to get there, but I definitely knew that Akashi would have to play his violin for Furihata at some point. And I wanted it to be a Really Big Moment in their romantic arc. So I did the best I could with it. (Because, I mean… How could I NOT include a scene where Akashi plays the violin for Furihata? That just had to happen, come on. //laughs)

As I mentioned over on Ao3, I do have my own idea about which piece Akashi plays for Furi… I might even mention it directly in the next chapter, but I’m not sure yet? (Either way, if you have a piece that you’d like to imagine him playing instead, you have my blessing. xD I tried to write it in such a way that he could be playing a lot of different songs!) So here was my thought process on that…

I figured Akashi would probably decide to play something on the simple side for Furihata, rather than anything too technical/demanding on the ear. I also realized that he was probably thinking that Furihata would like a sweet, romantic sort of song, because of this scene from Storming the Castle:

“Oh, r-right.” Furihata let go of the flower. He managed a laugh. “Sorry. I’m being weird, huh?”

“I just never realized you had such an interest in roses,” Akashi said, with a hint of humor. “But it shouldn’t surprise me, really.”

Furihata didn’t follow. “Why’s that?”

The edge of Akashi’s mouth dimpled. “Well, you are a romantic, after all.”

And that was when I realized… ROSES. Like, what if the piece had to do with roses, because Akashi was remembering that conversation about Furihata’s romantic side that they had in his rose garden…? So in my head, Akashi plays a version of The Last Rose of Summer, which is this really sweet, old Irish song that was later set to a poem of that name, written by Thomas Moore. It’s an easier piece to play, so it’s a little difficult to find a nice version of it by a professional violinist. But I did find this arrangement that is SUPER old-fashioned and adorable:

And my personal favorite version with strings that I found (and linked first on Ao3) is probably this one. Though I believe the violin doesn’t start until around a minute and a half into the recording?

(My sister and I thought the first soloist *might* be a viola… Apologies if we’re wrong though!! We took band a thousand years ago in high school but didn’t play in an orchestra, so we’re basically clueless about anything with strings. XD)

Anyway, I just thought that the song would be fitting because of the whole “bonding over roses” connection to Storming the Castle, and the fact that they’re still on summer vacation in this story… Plus the words of the poem are kind of the most Oreshi thing I’ve ever heard??? It’s REALLY sad, but also all about friendship. You can hear how it’s sung and see the complete lyrics in this version by Charlotte Church if you’d like (again, the song starts at around 1:30), but I’ll also include the beginning and end of the poem here:

Tis the last rose of summer,

Left blooming alone,

All her lovely companions

Are faded and gone.

…

So soon may I follow

When friendships decay;

And from love's shining circle

The gems drop away

When true hearts lie wither'd

And fond ones are flow'n

Oh! Who would inhabit

This bleak world alone?

… TELL ME THAT’S NOT AN ORESHI KIND OF POEM. It’s all about friendship and being afraid of being alone, and I just… gahhhh. T_____T

Also, you might have noticed that the versions I linked don’t have any parts where the soloist plucks the violin strings, which I described Akashi doing at one point… That’s because I like to think that in between playing a simpler version, Akashi also slips into a few sections of Variations on the Last Rose of Summer by Ernst, which you can see the violinist Midori playing here. (Unlike the other versions I linked, this is one of the hardest pieces ever written for violin, period… Apparently it’s so difficult that many top-tier professionals won’t even play it in front of a crowd! So for those of you who want to picture him playing something more badass, I’ve got you covered. XD)

(And while we’re still on the subject of different versions… My all-time favorite when it comes to different instruments playing The Last Rose of Summer has got to be this one. BECAUSE IT’S A KOTO, LIKE OMGGGG YES. Honestly, if my series had a sound, I’d like to think that it would be this…? Because roses and traditional Japanese instruments, that’s why. //laughs)

Also, I’m not sure whether anyone was curious about this part of the scene:

Akashi chuckled as he unlatched the case. Resting on a bed of crimson silk was a delicately carved violin. Furihata didn’t know how to tell if an instrument was well made, but he was pretty sure that this one had to be.

So I do indeed headcanon that Akashi would have a really nice violin… For those who might not know, violins can be EXTREMELY expensive, most notably at the professional and soloist quality levels. As in, the famous Stradivarius violins are valued at $10 million or MORE, for example. XD Though I personally tend to think that Akashi probably wouldn’t play a Strad himself… He’d have too much reverence for the instrument for that. //laughs (Although I wouldn’t be surprised if his family owns a Stradivarius and lends it out to some world-famous soloist… Which is apparently how it works in real life, by the way!) But I still imagine that his violin would be a super fancy one, maybe somewhere in the $100k range or something? (And now I’m just imagining Furihata finding that out and freaking out, lol.)

And last but not least, since I’m already rambling a lot, I would like to credit a new favorite YouTube channel of mine that I discovered while writing the violin scene… I really wanted to make sure that I described the violin playing correctly, because like I mentioned, I understand nothing about stringed instruments whatsoever. (I was a very mediocre flute player, once upon a time. //laughs)

So while I was hunting for references, I stumbled across TwoSet Violin, and OMG THEY ARE THE COOLEST CHANNEL EVER. I’d recommend them to literally everyone, even if you don’t play the violin or have any interest in classical music! They’re two professional violinists from Australia who make tons of super-entertaining content, like analyzing the way actors pretend to play instruments in movies and Chinese dramas, or trying to play the cheapest violin they can buy on Amazon. And it’s FANTASTIC. XD They’re super skilled and funny, and they even inspired me to listen to classical music again, so yeah, I can’t recommend them enough. <3

Well, this post turned out a lot longer than I expected…? //laughs In any case, I hope it was interesting, and thank you for reading! And as I said over on Ao3, thank you again to all of my lovely readers for your patience, especially while I dealt with my grandmother’s passing. I have the next chapter of the fic drafted, just like last time, but it does have some issues so I’m not sure how long it will take to edit. (Hopefully less time than this one did. OTL) I’ll definitely do my best to post it as soon as I can. In the meantime, I really hope everyone is staying safe, and see you then!

[bucksbisexual]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA OKAY LAST ONE OF MY OPINION POSTS HERE GOES EP12:

[breathes in]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

i’m so fucking happy with this ending

it’s such a good happy ending this is truly what the gays deserve i’m just happiness in physical form rn

i don’t even know where to start but i’ll try to make this as chronological as my brain allows me because my memory do be sucking

i’m gonna put a keep reading because this shit will get loooooong kjshfkf okay let’s do this

so.. we start with PETE EXPOSING NON(T)’S BRAT ASS!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YES THATS MY BABY THATS MY BOY!!!!!!!!!!

kao’s mom being a fucking badass and telling her BOSS how to do shit. i love her yall I LOVE HERRRRRRRR

also kao’s mom telling kao that she wasn’t the most amazing person ever was so cute because you can see kao’s light bulb turning on sjfkhsgsh please i love them

yes i will say i love x after every single one of these u can’t stop me

from the teaser i thought kao would dashi run run run to pete’s house but thankfully he took a taxi lmao

at least he didn’t run there because he had to run from pete’s house (or may i say, mansion) to the POOL my man is a whole athlete oh my god

KAO YELLING HE LOVES PETE!!!!!!!!!!! IN THE MIDDLE OF A CLOSED SPACE WITH PEOPLE IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!! AND HE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK IF THEY HEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THATS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT BABYYYYYYYY

also a beautiful parallel to the scene from ep1 (i noticed there’s a lot of parallels in this episode we stan character development and repeating things just so the viewers can see how consistent the couples are)

the kiss from that scene............... beautiful amazing gorgeous idk many words in english to describe how i felt while watching and how i feel about it

to that i think we cut to sunmork but i don’t remember what happened because of the kiss KJHFKSL SORRY

anygays i rlly like how this whole episode is sun being a clingy bih and mork gay panicking while trying to act like a confident gay when he knows that sun outconfidentgays him i love them lmao

okay after that i think it’s petekao having food with their parents all together and god i looooooove this scene

pete’s dad being the lgbt ally dad all of us lgbt fellas with homo/transphobic dads wish we had will never fail to make me soft i love that man pls be my dad too

also kao’s mom :-(( i love her she respected her son’s decision on not coming out until he was ready even though she already smelled it (reminds me of my mom lmao) and was always there for him even when kao didn’t say anything :-(((((((((((

petekao bickering will never get old i swear i love every time they do because that’s so..... men it makes their characters more real

i know there’s a lot (not that much because i admit this episode was kinda short?? idk maybe it’s just me) between that scene and this one but THE SQUAD EATING ALL TOGETHER AGAIN!!!!!!!! AND THEM TEASING PETEKAO!!!!!! PLEASE I LOVE THEM

pete literally not knowing how to stop the audio and broadcasting live TO THE WHOLE COUNTRY that time when he told kao he loved him through the teddy bear...... peak pete culture

the fact that ppl love them and they have a whole hashtag on twitter makes me soft because usually when someone is famous in bls the fans hate the other part of the couple but in this one??? oh no honey we stan petekao in this household hate is not allowed it’s actually prohibited illegal

okay let me backtrack a bit skjfhsjf

OH YES I FORGOT!!!! manow wanting to talk with mork was so weird when i saw the teaser for the episode but after seeing them talk i was like oooooh okay i understand

sun saying “what’s your girl saying to my boy” is probably one of my favourite lines of this drama KLHSJFLF

rain reading their lips fskjfjsf and when mork said “fuck you rain” HIS FACE SKJFHKSJSLFJ HE WAS SCARED SHITLESS but also the end of this scene was so cute i love these three

i just did a bit of skipping through the episode to try and actual make an order out of this mess and the petekao+parents thing comes now,,,,,, anygaYS

then it’s more teasing between sunmork blah blah

then MORK SPEAKING THE MF TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!! quoting the actual dialogue “it’s my choice to tell or not tell anyone. i should get to decide”

OUTING SOMEONE ISN’T COOL!!!!!!! IT’S NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!! NO LGBT PERSON WILL EVER WANT TO BE OUTED!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON’T DO THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rain had good intentions but it doesn’t mean that it was right of him to do so

okay this got serious,, sun going to rain’s bed with not one but Two pillows when barely two people fit in that bed.... oh to be that iconic and carelessly gay

back to petekao because we will never get enough of these two (which is why i’ll probably watch the our skyy episode tomorrow just to cry over these fools)

it’s so weird to see tay being like this after watching him being himself in other things like the live lunch and taynew meal date and other things i’ve randomly watched during this week to retain myself from finishing this series in a night ksfjhsfkshlks

also kao helping pete shave and pete being like do u like my moustache or should i shave it for u my lord SFHKFJ the domesticity and just the feeling of two idiots being in love i love them with my whole heart

kao staying at pete’s house because it’s both of their first days as interns and kao!!!!! he works for pete’s dad!!!!!!! pete’s dad accepted him into his company!!!!!! i love them

also the bickering between those three sjfkhs “hello im pete im from thailand” “that’s all you’ll say today” THAT WAS SO FUNNNY SKJFHSKFHSFJSFL

THE MESSAGE IN THE TEDDY BEAR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KAO CALLING PETE LOVE PLEASE IM GONNA CRYYYYYYYYYYYY I LOVE THESE FOOLS

okay so the squad eating together is right after this but i already talked about it ksjfhsfh next!!

idk if it’s a big time skip or a small one but guess what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MANOW AND RAIN ARE DATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY STRAIGHT BABIES YES I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU AAAAAAAAAAAAA

manow is so pretty and rain is so cute they’re both so lucky my bisexual ass is crying

pete being “angry” at kao being so handsome,,, a mood

but also.. pete being possessive was h*t

there i said it and i don’t regret it

random but i will miss kao’s annoying ass saying “about aboyz” sjfkhsfh

pete being like “i will have to give u more love bites (ffs gmmtv just say hickies we are all at an age where we know what love bites are) so no one flirts with u” and kao being like “bitch try me” sjfhksfj i’m loving bratty kao

also that scene turned into furry kao real quick KJHDKJFSHJF

okay now it’s: mork’s birthday party time!!

rain and manow arrive first and are the cutest couple around because the two main gays haven’t arrived yet (being gay AND punctual? not possible)

sun and rain fighting in the kitchen was peak siblings culture skfhksjf

mork being ready to leave his own birthday party with a stranger who also plays pokemon go just to have a battle................ dumbass bisexual energy

said stranger is eARN FROM 2GETHER!!!!!! FILM IS IN THIS TOO!!!!!!!! first the girl who plays yuri in yyy and now film who plays earn in 2gether is here too??? damn wlw keep winning (also headcanon: theyre dating/seeing each other because LESBIANS periodt)

okay petekao arrive and wont u guess whats their present for mork,,,,,, the mf TEDDY BEAR and kao rlly says that they should use it since theyre so lip sealed lmao

rain and manow literally gave mork a present not for him but for sun im- i love these two

MORK FINALLY SAID YES TO BEING BOYFRIENDS OH MY GOD DUDE U ACTUALLY HAD ME WORRIED THERE FOR A SEC

also sun being a whole koala and being a horny bitch is so funny sfhskfjskl my man has his priorities set

their last scene is so cute :-(( poor rain will have to live with this until he moves out sjfhksjf

oh boi the ending is near hhhhhhh

kao teaching his class an equation that ends up in i < 3 u is the most kao thing i’ve ever seen

also kAO IS BOOKED AND BUSY BABYYYYYYYYYY GET THOSE COINS HONEY

pete being like “u haven’t spent enough time with me lately >:-(” was cute jhkfjs my man is needy of kao and i understand that because have u seen kao? exactly

kao teasing him with not having forgotten the cup this time and pete being his possessive self was.. splendid

every reference to something that happened with non(t) hurts but also i love how they just tease each other because they know that now their relationship is stronger than it’s ever been and that nothing and no one will come between them

the scenes they show during the last last scenes :-((( BOYFIES!!!!!!

and i love how they decided to end the show with them holding hands in public

i would explain why i do but it’s 6:26 am and i’ve been writing this for at least half an hour already and my laptop is heating up a lot and im sweating because it’s hot in here so get down on the floor pipiipipipipipipi

kdjhkdfhs sorry im not sleepy this is just my brain without a filter it’s just gay shit and a big repertoire of songs

god okay that was my opinion on the last episode of dark blue kiss...........

needless to say that i will eat every bit of content related to petekao after this because writing this i already miss them and i can’t wait to watch our skyy tomorrow idk where but i will

i really really REALLY liked this drama and it’s one of the two bl dramas (not counting the untamed) i’ve given a full 10/10 rating on mdl because it’s THAT good

everything about this drama is just.. chef’s kiss i love it i will probably rewatch it when my plan to watch is empty but it’s a pretty long list so.. hopefully i’ll ignore that and just rewatch sjkfhslf

i’ll of course watch kiss and kiss me again just for the petekao, the squad and rain scrumbs because i’m sure that the petekao compilations don’t show everything

but yeah im just.. i love this show it’s been a rlly long time since i started writing this but i’m still happy because it’s so good and truly gave us a good happy ending and i swear i cannot emphasise enough how important good happy endings in lgbt media are!!!!!!!!!!

anygays im hungry and ready to submerge myself in the dbk tags, see u all tomorrow for my our skyy petekao episode version of this,,,,,

till then, stay safe ! bYE

[bitofthisandthat]

hoopsheartthrob said: ‘ why would i fuck a demon? simple, the status. imagine rolling up into hell already havin’ had your back blown out by one of their own. imagine you and a gang of other losers standin’ at the gates of hell, they’re all crying, scared to death about having a pitchfork up their ass for eternity and you just walk into the arms of your sugar demon? legendary. ’ glad. good lord.

(   *   &.   –   MORE POPULAR TEXT POSTS.

He quirked a brow, and took a loooooong sip from his straw. “You see, I have to disagree, I’d still rather fuck a deity, because they could get you OUT of a lot of stuff.” He wiped his hands off on each other and leaned in. “What’s a demon but a one-night stand that’s gonna talk trash about having you later?”

“Plus there’s the whole disloyalty thing they got going on down there, they’ll sell your ass for a bag of jalapeño cheetos. A deity may bless you one min, and forget about you later, but hey, you also become a   l e g e n d  because you were some god or goddess’ plaything. Even if you get turned into like, a tree or stopwatch, out of a jealous fit, hey! At least you’re in all the books.”

“Pffft. No one ever gets talked about if you fuck a demon. Who in history? Lilith? She doesn’t count. She was already half demon queen as it was.” He popped one of their hôrs d'oeuvres in his mouth, and chewed at her with a smirk. “But if you ever do get that demon lover, send me pics, baby, because I have GOT to see that go down.”

@hoopsheartthrob​

[lightsandlostbells]

Skam season 3, episode 6 reaction

In terms of length, this is a short episode, but watching it in real time, every day highlighting Isak’s misery, felt like an eternity. Luckily Isak and Jonas’ friendship intervened to give us one of the most heartwarming scenes of the series. 

SEASON 3, EPISODE 6 - “Escobar season”

Clip 1 - YOU CAN HATE ME NOW

It was a loooooong 10 days between the last clip of episode 5 and this one. Like, Trump got elected in that time, guys. I distinctly remember thinking to myself, “Goddamn, I wish Skam wasn’t on hiatus so I could have something positive to take my mind off this shit.” Which might seem frivolous, but sometimes you need a little escapism from your impending national nightmare, instead of following the news in despair for 10 hours a day and stress-eating whole bags of discount Halloween candy (which is what I actually ended up doing).

The mid-season hiatus is set up so if you’re watching in real time, you can imagine that Isak legit took a week off school, but if you’re watching after the season ended, you can buy that maybe Isak just took a weekend off from the world, and either possibility still works. That shows some forethought on Julie’s part, since she knew this season would also be viewed post-real time experience.

So the music is by Nas, not N.W.A., but Isak’s intro here definitely reminds me of what he said to Even in episode 2 , about “music that you listen to when you want to walk around feeling tough.” This is totally a moment where Isak wants to toughen up, since he’s frankly pretty fragile at the moment. I love this scene because it is so deeply real. Most of us have done this, blasted the appropriate soundtrack to psych ourselves up for something we didn’t want to do, or attempted to alter our mood with a song. The fact that this is clearly a diegetic music moment, with Isak actually wearing his earbuds, makes him seem even more vulnerable to me, ironically. Like he needs that confidence boost.

Also, the fact that this is Nas just underscores Even’s influence on Isak, and that while Isak may be trying to deal with his heartbreak, Even’s presence is still there, weighing on him.

“Escobar season has returned … it’s been a long time.” Obviously it hasn’t been that long, but it is a cheeky little nod to the hiatus, as well as the official clip title  - “Returned.”

By the way, if people are wondering exactly what “Escobar season” means, here’s a little information about it. The summary is that it’s a persona Nas took on that’s like a Scarface personality, “Escobar” taken from famous Colombian drug lord Pablo Escobar - who interestingly was the subject of one of Isak’s oft-mentioned TV shows, Narcos. 

The Escobar facade was fully formed and ubiquitous on Nas’ 1996 album It Was Written—he endorsed the now-defunct Willie Esco clothing line around the same time. 1998’s “Hate Me Now” famously begins with the phrase, “Escobar Season has returned,” and the Esco name is retired on the hook of 1999’s “Nastradamus.” Nas says Pablo Escobar represents his first awareness of a larger-than-life crime boss who wasn’t a fictional character.

This scene is framed nicely, with Even and his friends on one side of the screen, Emma and her friends on the other (the two “love interests” of this season opposite each other as they represent different sides of Isak) and with Isak stepping in the middle of the frame, not fitting into either group.

Man, I know Isak has fucked up, but like …. this song comes on, and I see him look nervously from Emma to Even, and my heart swells for this kid. I feel so bad for him. This feels so relatable for anyone who’s ever had a problem at school - a fight with a friend, a break-up - and had to go back where they knew they’d see the person again. Or embarrassed themselves, or been bullied, and had to face the judgment of your peers. It does feel like simply showing your face again requires an incredible amount of bravery from a teenager. (See also: Eva in S1, Sana in S4). And in Isak’s case, he has to face two people who know he is gay: Emma, who is angry and could use it against him, and Even, who he wants and seemingly doesn’t want him anymore.

The lyrics might sound over the top for this situation, but of course teenage problems are always the end of the world, and Isak actually does have some real shit to deal with. When Nas says, “Looks like the death of me now,” it probably does feel like that for Isak. I’d also say this is perhaps how he felt prior to coming out at the end of the episode - it could be the end of everything as he knew it, but there’s no turning back now. This is who Isak is.

“There’s no turning back now” - the lyrics that pop up when Isak first looks at Even, happen to be similar to what Isak and Even said to each other in episode 2, on their first “date” of sorts making those cheese toasties. “We can’t turn back now” - the words that made Isak cancel his plans with the boys and Emma so he could be with Even, and also the path that’s made him so currently miserable.

Let’s just note that Isak looks tired and worn and has his hood pulled up, keeps his head down as he walks across the courtyard, and Even looks to be in terrific shape, talking with people. Which has to rub salt in the wound. Even is doing just fine, seemingly, while Isak is suffering. You know Isak is questioning whether he meant anything to Even at all.

“This is what makes me … This is who I am.” Awwww, Isak. Baby.

Isak keeps his eyes ahead of him as he walks through the yard. Not on Emma or Even, though they notice him. Like the only way he’s going to get through this is if he pretends they’re not there.

Emma notices Isak and you have to wonder what’s on her mind, because really, she kind of falls away in the second half of the season? We hear about her but after this clip she doesn’t appear until the last episode. Has she already told people Isak is gay and set the rumor mill in motion, or is that yet to come?

I am always, always going to laugh at how the lyrics “DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE” sync with Even on screen, lol. You know Isak is internally kinda like FUCK YOU EVEN!!!! but also why even … why?

But also, Even probably did not expect Isak to be this downcast about their breakup. In real time, Isak has been gone for a week, and Even almost certainly noticed. You can practically see his heart stop when he notices Isak here. And it likely hurts that Isak is pointedly not looking at Even.

Oh my God, the kid crashing into Isak and interrupting his power walk is so funny, but you feel so bad for Isak! He just wanted to pump himself up before entering the school where all these people are mad at him or don’t want to talk to him, and some rando ruins the effect. Talk about adding insult to injury. A cherry on top of the shit sundae. Again, I love it because it’s such a realistic moment, and of course Isak’s woes aren’t going to be solved by the right soundtrack. Reality intervenes.

It’s like the little girl interrupting the movie moment of the pool kiss - the music just cuts off when the illusion is destroyed. Weirdly that warms my heart a little, because the pool was Even’s attempt to recreate a movie moment, this was Isak’s attempt to create a tough guy scene, and both of them got cut short by reality. Lmao, boys.

Emma looks like she’s too engrossed with her friends to notice Isak’s collision, but Even likely saw the dude crash into Isak. Just to embarrass Isak further. 

Poor Isak goes into the school and the first thing he sees is Jonas. Jonas isn’t hostile, but he’s a little distant. Reserved.

On the saga of Isak’s locker of character development, he takes a lesson from Even and bangs it open. Isak isn’t all the way there with coming out, but between the last time we’ve seen him and the locker, he’s kissed a boy for the first time and almost gotten himself a boyfriend. Even showed him how to open his locker and Isak took him up on it. Soooo… progress? He also bangs it open when Jonas is present.

Isak wants to know if Mahdi is still mad at him and Jonas says they’re not mad at him. He then takes a long pause before saying that they’re worried, like you know Isak’s weird behavior has been pressing on him and he’s finally just going to say it.

Isak tries to play it off and blames “family stuff” again and you can tell Jonas is disappointed and concerned that Isak is resorting to the same old lie.

“And I can’t sleep either.” Well, this part is actually true. It’s just you need to explain why you can’t sleep, Isak.

Jonas, a good bro, knows Isak is talking shit and not telling the whole truth, but he doesn’t argue. Just lets him know that he’s there to talk. Which is really all Jonas can do at that point. You can see Isak weighing it over as Jonas leaves, too, like … maybe Isak should talk to him. Or maybe he shouldn’t because that’s frightening. But Jonas had made it clear that he’s open to hearing the truth when Isak’s ready to share, and that’s what Isak needs to remember when Skrulle starts talking about people being islands.

Clip 2 - Noorhelm and Evak parallels

Isak really cannot sleep with all this anxiety and misery in his head. We don’t get late-night clips that often in Skam, but they were employed very well in S3 to illustrate Isak’s insomnia. That’s one of the coolest things about the real-time format, that we can get canon delivered at unconventional times to reflect the character’s reality and put us deep in their emotional state.

And of course Noora’s conversation is like … the worst thing that Isak could be hearing at that moment, since what she’s saying about her relationship with William also happens to apply to his relationship with Even.

“When you are in love, you believe that love will be like in the movies. But that’s not how it works.” This would be a solid point to make regardless of context, but it especially has to hit home for Isak, with his Romeo + Juliet watching and recreating in the pool. There was an element of fantasy with Even, of being in a love story like in the movies with a guy who views life like a film. But now the fantasy is gone.

What did Noorhelm shippers think at this point? S2 was all about Noora and William and gave them a happy ending, but now in S3, the way Noora describes what’s happened to them, it’s almost like a deconstruction of the tropes from S2. Noora is talking about how she thought she’d be with William forever, but no one lives happily ever after. Honestly, it would be a pretty interesting subversion to do a story like that on Skam, the fairy tale romance that ends up falling apart … but I wouldn’t want to spend a whole season building up to their happy ending, and then having it crumble in the background of someone else’s story. I think it’d be better if they got together by the halfway point (before the hiatus) and then showed the fall of the relationship through the rest of the season.

I mean, this is all because Thomas Hayes left the show, though, and was probably not part of Julie’s original plan. Makes you wonder how this scene was planned, though. Did Julie ever think Thomas would come back? Because this scene has somewhat different context with the Noorhelm reunion in S4, and in a scenario where Thomas didn’t return. 

“There’s nobody who is willing to make any sacrifices for love in 2016.” I don’t know why, but that part of Noora’s dialogue hurts the most? It does for Isak, too, since it’s the breaking point from when he goes from trying to bury his head in his pillow to getting up and telling her to stop. Maybe because to Isak, it seems like he was willing to sacrifice for Even by lying to his friends and making them angry with him, abandoning this heterosexual farce he was performing, potentially coming out, getting into a relationship with a boy despite all the problems that may come with that … but Even just couldn’t sacrifice his relationship with Sonja. For a brief moment, it seemed like he would choose Isak, but he didn’t. 

Maybe also because “nobody is willing to make sacrifices for love” is pretty disheartening to hear when you’re young and going through heartache. It makes you think this is how it’s going to be the rest of your life, it’ll never get easier. Especially painful for a closeted gay kid to hear since he’ll have additional complications in finding love. 

I think Noora’s words are obviously the main reason behind what’s making Isak stressed out right now, but it can’t help to hear that Eskild’s brought a guy home. Eskild has someone and Isak is sleeping alone.

Yeah, Isak could be less of an asshole in his delivery, but he’s not wrong. Take your conversations elsewhere at 2 am. Not to sound old but it’s a school night, Noora!

Noora is pretty shocked by Isak’s attitude, though. You can see the smile drop off her face. I don’t think Noora is obsessing over Isak’s personal life or anything, especially since she’s caught up in her own drama, but I think she picks up here that Isak is going through something that’s bigger than her just talking on the phone at night.

While I don’t know if Noora and Isak would ever be best friends, I do enjoy some of the moments they have together. I like to think that Noora taking care of Even when Isak couldn’t be there, and Isak demonstrating how much love there was in that grumpy teenage boy body of his, gained some lasting respect on both ends. And on the flip side, Noora ribbing Isak about his nightstand toilet paper and Isak taking it in stride in S4 is endearing.

Isak really is a good kid. He knows he lashed out and calms down after his outburst. He even says, “Say hi to Eva,” lmao? Like RARRRRRGH STOP TALKING ON THE PHONE NOORA … okay, sorry, say hi to our mutual friend.

The fact that he pauses to tell her that William is an idiot if he gives up on her is genuinely sweet. Of course there’s some projection behind it (trying to convince himself that Even is an idiot and not worth staying up all night stressing if Even gave up on him) but it’s also just a kind, courteous thing to say, since he recognizes someone else struggling over being in love, and Noora accepts his words as such.

Obviously everyone is free to like or dislike characters for whatever reasons, but moments like this are why I don’t get why some people repeatedly bring up Isak’s shitty S1 behavior as a reason why he’s the Worst (especially in the context of “How can you like Isak but not this other character when Isak has also done bad things?”). Isak repeatedly course-corrects from his mistakes and shows consideration toward other people’s feelings, listens to their advice and perspectives, and is kind to them despite his grumpy exterior. He’s not a selfish person. I’m fine with characters who make mistakes if they apologize, show empathy to others, and try to be better people.

Clip 3 - The cheese toastie of sadness

This scene is pretty short, but the first time I watched it, I spent like a minute and a half wondering “Where is this going?” only to freak out with Even’s appearance. Oh. That’s where it was going. It lulls you into a sense of mundane drudgery only to throw a curveball, which is what Isak must be feeling. Going about his boring day, feeling like shit, only for a surprise Even encounter to throw everything off-balance.

That random guy’s voice really does sound like Henrik’s, to the point where I’m wondering if Henrik said the line and they dubbed it over (since we don’t see the dude actually say anything but “Sweet”). If not, damn, that’s a close match.

It really throws Isak, it’s like a jolt of potential Even. But it’s just a false alarm. Of course, Julie gives us a false alarm to throw us off the real appearance of Even that’s going to happen in a minute.

Plot twist - this guy is Julian Dahl and he was hoping to make a move on Isak, except Even showed up.

Here’s where Skam’s ability to not rush things really helps, because this is a small scene where the majority is focused on an everyday boring task, but it establishes Isak’s mood, give a sense of how empty and dull his life feels at the moment, isolated from his social connections and love interest. The long pauses of nothing but agonizing silence feel like forever. Just waiting in line for a cheese toastie is an ordeal.

We also see just how out of it Isak is, how that reminder of Even throws him off balance - not responding to the cafeteria worker right away, dropping his money, giving her the wrong amount.

I swear my heart jumped when Even appeared, just like Isak’s must have.

Do you think Even meant to walk up to Isak or he just happened to run into him? The former makes more sense as to why he’d be right there at the front of the cafeteria line, but Even also looks so startled and caught off guard. Or maybe he just wasn’t quite prepared to be so close to Isak again, face to face.

It really does not help that Even again looks very healthy and well put together, and Isak just looks devastated. His demeanor is so muted and physically he looks drained, like he hasn’t been sleeping. Even is feigning some energy but Isak can barely summon it.

It does wrench my heart that Isak isn’t even angry at Even here, or pretending to be fine, or anything other than depressed. He doesn’t have the strength for anything else.

Yeah, that is the saddest looking cheese toastie ever. I’d eat it if I had no other options but it’s like the food equivalent of tears.

Even tries to reestablish some friendly contact with that kardemomme reference, which is especially relevant because hey, it’s not just any old small talk, it’s their inside joke, which Even remembers. It’s a personal connection.

Oh God, and it makes me so sad that Isak gives a half-hearted laugh of recognition and tries to recreate the “kardemomme!” line but his voice is broken and not energetic.

True story: when I watched this the first time, I actually yelled, “No!!!” at my computer screen when Isak says “Kardemomme!” in that weak voice. Like, way to cause a pang in my heart, Skam. That was their beautiful bonding moment!!! It made us smile, and now it’s just a shell of its former self. You took something good and used it for evil, Skam.

Even’s smile at Isak’s attempt is genuine but falls as he realizes how messed up Isak is and how this just isn’t the same as before.

What do you think Even wanted to say before Isak ran off? I honestly have no idea. I feel like he wanted to connect with Isak on a more substantial level, IDK, maybe ask how he’s been, but who knows? There are many possibilities. Go for another joke, go for a neutral topic. Try to communicate that he still wants Isak, try to avoid that territory. But Isak couldn’t let him get another word out.

The fact that Isak can’t take anymore and runs off without waiting makes my soul turn to dust. And Even looks back at him before leaving.

I think Even really was rattled by this encounter. Like ... Isak was rough. Even broke up with him as a means of protecting them both, but clearly it didn’t work as well as he hoped since Isak is suffering. You know he’s thinking to himself, You did this. You made him hurt like this. And I think this is when Even starts to reconsider whether it was the right move to break up with him. Maybe even for himself, because he misses Isak so much and having Isak not want to talk to him, barely able to look at him, is too much to handle.

Clip 4 - The queen of Skam returns

Time for the Norwegian goddess of wisdom to make another appearance!

Lmao, the opening conversation is about someone pissing her pants while exercising. The women blame it on a lack of Kegel exercises. This is all openly discussed in the waiting room within earshot of Isak. Somehow I think Dr Skrulle is in her element. Nissen’s medical staff must just attract ladies prone to TMI and bizarre anecdotes.

The “eye exam” poster in the office says YOU SHOULD BE WORKING NOW, by the way.

Oh man, this was the point when fans thought Isak was going to steal Linn’s sleeping pills, or get sleeping pills and OD on them! Such a tense week. Isak is so miserable that it felt like something drastic could happen. We were all yelling for something good to happen this week.

I feel like when you step into this doctor’s office, time and space are slightly altered. 

Truly there is nothing like Isak taking a seat and immediately within his line of vision is the good doctor and a dildo. He must feel like the presence of an artificial penis is the world is taunting him again.

This scene’s funny because Isak gets to play the straight man (ha ha) to the doctor. She exists in her own world and Isak is just this befuddled teenager trying to make sense of her. 

Isak can barely look at Skrulle when he’s telling her about his problems. I guess you could read this scene as Isak badly wanting those pills and playing up his distress so she’ll give them to him, but I think he really is that miserable, as evidenced by everything we’ve seen of him this week, and he has trouble opening up to anyone about his problems so this is probably a last resort for him.

“I don’t drive a car, though.” AS WE WILL LEARN IN S4.

I remember that one interview Tarjei gave where he was going over his traffic problems, and lol, I feel you, kid.

Legit nothing like a Skrulle story to put your problems in perspective. Also, A+ segue from the story of someone getting into an accident and ending up in a wheelchair to asking Isak more about his sleep problems. And by A+ segue I mean there is no segue at all.

Isak’s sleep has gotten worse over the past few weeks, for reasons that are quite obvious to the viewers. Even’s presence will do that to you.

The doctor wants to refer Isak to a mental health clinic, and he doesn’t want that. In fact, Isak is really, really against this, like … more than just not wanting to, he’s vehemently saying no over and over. This absolutely has to do with his ableist beliefs and his stigma against the mentally ill. Isak definitely isn’t going to be like one of those people. Isak can’t be mentally ill. He can’t talk to a therapist. Just like he didn’t want to be scene as one of those ultra-gay people, he can’t lump himself in with people who need help with their mental health. Those people are crazy. 

I remember right after this scene I wondered if Isak would actually go to the mental health clinic where he would run into Even, and that’s how we would learn that Even also has mental health issues. I was going to say that it would have been an awkward moment for them ... but then I realized, it can’t be any worse than how Isak did learn about Even’s mental illness.

Note that in S1, the girls went together to provide support for Vilde, but here in S3, Isak has to do this on his own. Makes sense that Skrulle’s advice ends up being about him not isolating himself and reaching out to others.

You know, I think of the locker room scene as a turning point in the season, but this scene is quietly a turning point as well. Skrulle gives Isak advice that will help him throughout the rest of the season. He can’t keep isolating himself. It’s advice that will not only help Isak, but allow him to extend that help to Even, and even to Sana in the next season. Even though the good doc expresses it in a quirky way, it’s solid advice.

“Don’t you have someone you can talk to?” “TALK TO JONAS,” screamed everyone watching.

Clip 5 - Jonas is king of the bros

Watching this week in real time was so stressful, Isak was so melancholic and alone, and this scene was such. a. relief. It would’ve been wonderful in any context, but it felt like a godsend after seeing Isak go through hell clip after clip.

One of the most observant details about the clip is Isak’s hesitation. He’s about to do something big and it’s not easy to just launch into it. He stands and watches Jonas for a little bit because, you know, it’s Jonas and Jonas is his best bro, but that doesn’t crush all the doubts in his head about what Jonas’ reaction could be. Not to mention he and Jonas haven’t had the best relationship lately.

But Jonas is still friendly when Isak approaches him. Perhaps he realizes that this is when Isak is going to tell him about whatever’s on his mind. Plus, you know, I’m sure he missed Isak! They’re best friends, it can’t have been great from Jonas’ POV to feel shut out from him.

I don’t know if there was any strategy involved in getting kebab other than teenage boys needing kebab to live, but it works as an icebreaker/apology of sorts (since Isak is paying) and I think, a buffer? It helps if there’s an activity like eating happening when Isak comes out, and that he’s not just telling a personal secret with nothing else to occupy Jonas’ attention.

Also, that they’re sitting on a bench side by side in this scene reminds me of all those Tumblr posts about how common it is for LGBT people to come out in cars, and how it’s easier to do when you’re not face to face. Isak and Jonas are looking at each other and making eye contact, but I do think it helps to have your bodies facing forward rather than toward each other. It gives a little distance, makes it less intimidating for Isak.

I just want to shout out that poster in the kebab shop window, which says, “EVERYDAY IT’S KEBAB TIME.” You’re damn right it is.

I feel like Jonas is telling this random puke story to Isak so Isak can work up to whatever he’s going to say. You can tell Isak’s listening but he’s not 100% there.

By the way, this puke story sounds like it could be about Magnus, except Isak says, “It’s never the ones that you expect that throw up,” and Magnus is absolutely someone I would expect to ruin his chances with a girl by throwing up all over her feet. Maybe this story was about the mysterious Julian Dahl!

Continuing on the point above about Isak’s hesitation, the pacing of this scene is a huge part of what makes it so great. Because Isak doesn’t sit down and start coming out right away, he doesn’t have a speech prepared (not that that it’s wrong or unrealistic to prepare a speech, but with Isak, he’s not a preparedspeech kind of guy). He has to work up his courage piece by piece over this conversation. He lets Jonas bullshit a bit, there’s a long silence where Isak keeps glancing over at Jonas as they eat, and you know he’s working out his nerves, wondering about Jonas’ reaction, getting himself to the point where he can just say it. Tarjei’s acting in this scene is so subtle and spectacular.

Jonas is such a dear, though. Marlon does this scene really really well because Jonas isn’t like … overcompensating or overly enthusiastic, he’s not pressing Isak too much. He’s very casual, but you can also see, for instance, when Isak brings up that he’s been acting weird lately, that Jonas looks at him attentively, ready to listen, because finally Isak is going to open up.

Just saying “there’s a person that I like” is a big thing for Isak to get out. He doles the information out little by little, he makes Jonas work for it. I think that what Isak is aiming for is similar to what many viewers suspect he wanted from Eva in S1. In the kitchen scene where Eva confronts Isak about ratting her out to Iben, Isak asks her to guess why he did it. You can make a case that he wants her to guess the real reason, that he has feelings for Jonas and is jealous - that maybe a part of him wants her to know and to take it off his mind. But of course she doesn’t guess and he runs with a lie instead. Here, I wouldn’t be surprised if Isak wants Jonas to say it before he has to - that he can come out without needing to say the words.

This is a pretty heartwarming scene, but Isak actually breaks my heart a little when he asks Jonas to guess. There’s so much fragility wrapped up in that moment and in Tarjei’s performance! This poor kid is so nervous.

Although bless Jonas for guessing Vilde, because it probably did give Isak a little moment to be like WTF, no, and make him laugh. 

After that, Jonas says, “Can’t you just tell me?” But of course no, Isak can’t just tell him, because that’s very hard.

I mentioned it in my episode 5 review but again, Isak doesn’t come out by saying he is gay and then going into his relationship with Even. Instead, he phrases everything in terms of actions, in some roundabout ways. he coming out is a step by step process. First, it’s that Isak is acting weird because he likes someone. Then “It’s not a girl.” He doesn’t even say, “It’s a guy,” he says it’s not a girl because that’s the less direct way of saying it, of course.

Isak gets so alert and on edge after he says it’s not a girl. Waiting and watching for Jonas’ reaction. Nervous as to what’s it going to be. Meanwhile Jonas just keeps eating that fucking kebab. Like Isak could have said, “The reason I’ve been acting so strange lately is that I found out Donald Trump is my uncle,” and Jonas would have been like munch munch munch.

I think the fact that Jonas reacts so nonchalantly when he says, “Is it me?” helps Isak quite a bit. Not only is it a funny comment, but like … if Jonas is so casual about Isak potentially liking him, then surely he can’t be that bothered by Isak liking another boy? And Jonas is just like, “What, am I completely unattractive?” Which again, is a joke but also lets Isak know that Jonas is chill, he’s not worried about Isak the predatory gay guy perving on Jonas or any of those homophobic stereotypes.

And obviously, this scene is hilarious if you’ve seen S1 and are calling bullshit on Isak not liking Jonas. No, Jonas, I don’t like you! WTF! Bruh, you set fire to Eva’s social standing and her relationship because you had a crush on her boyfriend.

But man, you can see Isak lighten up sooooo much after this exchange. He got the words out there and Jonas didn’t react badly, they managed to joke about it, so far everything is the same between them. The happiness in his eyes is observable.

I don’t think Jonas had completely guessed Isak was gay, or dating a boy, until this moment. I feel like there were a number of things that seemed odd to him, including that random guy who brought Isak his hat and was at the lockers with him, that Jonas filed away as “huh” moments and that are starting to slot into place with Isak’s admission here. We know that Jonas recognized the “left your hat in the cafeteria” story as bullshit (clarified in the script), so he’s been picking up here and there on things that seem unusual or out of place.

You can see Jonas mouth “Even” to himself after Isak says the name, and it’s such a small gesture but it’s the sweetest thing? Like he’s making sure to absorb this detail, or that he’s finally putting a name to a face, and to the cause of all Isak’s weirdness lately. There’s a warmth to it.

Lmao, Jonas saying Even is a good-looking guy and Isak reacting with laughter and bafflement. It’s a silly moment but Jonas is kind of complimenting Isak here, like hey, good taste, or hey, congrats on bagging such a hottie. Not to mention he’s showing how chill he is with talking about guys’ attractiveness, something Isak himself struggles with. Of course there are higher stakes for Isak to admit a guy is hot when he’s actually gay and Jonas is a straight dude, meaning it’s not as loaded of a statement, but still, it’s positive for Isak to be around guys who can just say other guys look good and have it not be the end of the world.

Also, this is probably how Jonas would react if Isak was telling him he liked a girl. You like Emma? She’s hot. Letting Isak in on all these bro bonding moments, not excluding him from this social exchange just because he’s not straight.

And I’m really fond of Jonas being like “What am I supposed to say?” and Isak saying, “I don’t know myself.” To them, they’re not a PSA. They don’t know the “right” words for when someone comes out. They’re just two friends eating kebab on a bench together. Because yeah, there are obvious wrong ways to react to someone coming out, but there’s also no approved script for what to say. Each person is going to be different. I mean, if Jonas made a big deal of it, like, “You are my friend no matter what and I support you,” it would have been a nice gesture, certainly, but that’s not really the relationship he and Isak have, so this would make it artificial and maybe a little awkward. In fact, not having a pre-approved coming out script is a good thing, because Jonas not knowing what to say means he draws on his normal banter and conversation with Isak, which makes it better! That way he’s just treating it like a typical conversation. By reacting casually and not making it a big deal at all, Jonas gives Isak what he needs - nothing is going to change between them, not really. Considering that one of Isak’s greatest fears is that people will think of him differently and judge him a certain way if they know he’s gay, this must be a massive relief to him. 

Additionally, imagine what a relief it is for Isak to be able to give Jonas a rundown of what’s happening with Even. To get off his chest the problems with him and Even; Isak don’t know what’s going on with Even, who has a girlfriend. This is the benefit of him coming out and being honest with Jonas. Suddenly all this shit he’s been bottling up, unable to talk to anyone about, can go through another set of ears. Jonas doesn’t even need to give him great advice or anything. Isak just needs someone to talk to.

Can Isak take some of his father’s guilt money and buy a phone case? Please???

Isak swallows when he realizes what the note in his pocket is. In-universe, it’s really a coincidence that he found the note right after talking to Jonas, but thematically, I don’t think it’s irrelevant that Isak’s bleak week ends after he opens up to someone.

THIS DRAWING. Gosh, it punches me right in the heart? First of all, adorable, and I love that Even always draws Isak with the snapback, and cartoon Even’s hair, and how cartoon Isak is slightly smaller than cartoon Even. But this is actually quite creative and clever of Even, too. I mean, he could have left him a more straightforward note or drawing, but he takes an original concept that’s so them to create something very memorable.

Even has taken several things that are relevant and specific to Isak-and-Even - the inside joke of the cheese toast with cardamom - and a weightier concept that was important to Isak - the parallel universes. Remember, Even wasn’t a fan of the parallel universes when Isak first mentioned them! However, here he’s using them in a way that’s more positive, he’s seeing the benefit of Isak’s worldview.

But what gets me about this sketch is the longing behind it. We have the reality, Isak eating his plain cheese toast alone. And we have the potential other reality, Isak and Even eating their far superior cardamom cheese toast together. It’s something of a kindness to Isak, telling him that somewhere they are together, but also expressing Even’s own desire to be with him. He does want to be with Isak. It’s just that they can’t be together, for mysterious reasons. It’s so bittersweet! They’re together, just not this Isak and this Even.

Even drew this for Isak after seeing him broken and depressed in the cafeteria. I think he really did not know how badly Isak was going to take the breakup and wanted to give him some comfort. This drawing is evidence of Even’s second thoughts.

Lol, and Jonas can’t know the full significance of this sketch, but it doesn’t take a genius to recognize that Even’s giving him handmade drawings of him and Isak together, and to see that for what it is.

“He needs to break up with his girlfriend.” Awww. What a sweet, encouraging thing, to say, and Isak smiles to himself. Things are coming up Valtersen.

This clip is when the hearts on the website turned into rainbow colors, and that alone makes me want to weep. I believe this was one of the most liked clips ever, and logically I do think it was because people were like, “Oooo, pretty!” and hitting that like button to see the rainbow, but I mean. This clip also deserves it.

The fact that this scene is based off a real story also makes me want to cry.

This week was so bleak and hard to get through, Isak just was in a terrible place, and I cannot express the release that the audience felt watching this scene.

The music over the credits is “Express Yourself” by N.W.A. Excellent both because, yeah, express yourself and you’ll be happier, Isak! Be true to who you are! And because Isak had previously mentioned N.W.A. as an example of “music you want to listen to when you want to feel tough.” This is Isak feeling pretty damn confident after things went right.

General Comments

There was very little social media this week, which makes total sense considering the state Isak is in. He’s cut off from all of his social connections.

One of Isak’s most redeeming qualities is his ability to learn from his mistakes. In an example from this week’s social media, he’s apologetic to Eskild in a text message. Eskild ribs him about what Isak said, saying that Eskild is busy working on a mascara collection with Kylie Jenner, before saying that they’re cool, basically. I think Eskild did take Isak’s comments pretty hard but realizes that Isak is young and insecure and not unable to learn.

There is an IG photo from Jonas with Mahdi and Magnus - boy squad minus Isak, just to rub it in (though I doubt that’s why Jonas posted it, to hurt Isak, but it does show how disconnected Isak is).

One of the other few text convos is between Kollektivet, where Isak only supplies one line but Linn mentions taking sleeping pills. For like a day or two, the fan theories were all about Isak stealing her sleeping pills in order to get some rest and accidentally ODing and needing to go to the hospital or something similar.

Isak’s mom sends him a religious text at almost 2 in the morning on Friday, hours before he comes out to Jonas. On the one hand, her texts are another source of stress to Isak. On the other, this text is … actually pretty positive? It’s a Bible verse, Joshua 1:9, which is:

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

A lot of Isak’s mom’s texts are about sin, they’re negative and judgmental in nature. This one, by contrast, is affirming. So I think that, even with Mama Valtersen’s texts being a cause for alarm, it’s possible that this text helped Isak before he came out to Jonas. Even with Isak not being a religious person, a general message of being strong and courageous can be an inspiring thing. If that’s the case, then I like that his mom could end up being a source of comfort to her son even prior to episode 9.

[birdroutledge-archive]

lol I already lost 2 followers for my GOT spam OH WELL but OK last post for now I just need to vomit out my thoughts and reactions for (my second viewing of) the whole episode so imma just do that now and put it under the cut here we go yeet (LOOOOOONG post warning)

the updated intro is SPICY I like it

the little boy climbing all over just had me all :’) thinking about bb bran and arya letting him go in front of her bc she remembered trying to see robert & everyone in the pilot :’’’’)

the fact that jon wasn't specifically looking for arya in the crowd when they rode in is bullshit

tyrion & varys banter is the best and that's why they're one of my brotps

bran kind of smiles when he first sees jon?? this is probably the most emotion we’ll get out of him for the rest of the show

lyanna mormont has the biggest balls of anyone on this damn show

honestly?? jon didn't need to bend the knee to dany after she saw the white walkers and the northerners absolutely have a right to be angry with jon and not trust dany at this point even though they need her armies and shit but I hope they don't drag out the conflict just for the sake of conflict like if they still have the northerners not liking dany there better be a legit reason

“it had its moments” lmfao forreal fuck joffrey tho

idk if Tyrion’s getting dumber or most other characters are getting smarter but it shows

jon & arya’s reunion is my favorite part of this episode idc about anything else 

I fucking hate qyburn

and euron I hope yara kills his annoying bitch ass

bronn might be a selfish fuck but when it comes down to it there's no way he's gonna turn on jaime or tyrion right??

cersei’s drinking again so is she not pregnant?? I am confusion

mac from always sunny made a cameo!! that I def caught the first time around and not after he posted about it on instagram

the theon greyjoy redemption tour is in full swing again and im here for it

“what is dead may never die” “but kill the bastards anyway” yasssss 

ugh I love ser davos he’s such a dad

“what if he doesn’t want me to!” jon is so dumb I love him

jon trying to ride the dragon and almost falling off every 10 seconds is a big mood

“we could stay a thousand years, no one would find us” just made me think of jon & ygritte in the cave :’( I miss her jon & ygritte > jon & dany but you didn't hear it from me!

there have been a billion memes about jon looking at the dragons while he's kissing dany so imma just leave it there

arya & the hound reuniting he’s so proud!! even if he doesn't show it much

and arya & gendry!!! my babies!!! im so happy we got so many reunions in episode 1 and didn't have to wait

unpopular opinion? popular opinion? lil lord umber deserved what he got *shrug emoji*

“did you bend the knee to save the north or because you love her?” ooooo shit

sam is so precious he was annoying at first but I love him now we love some good character development

also I didn't realize that he didn’t know his dad & brother got roasted and finding out like that? YiKeS

“waiting for an old friend” hE WAS TALKING ABOUT JAIME!!! 

also im so happy they decided to have sam tell jon about his parents instead of robot bran

“I wasn't a king” “but you were. you’ve always been”

“you gave up your crown to save your people. would she do the same?” OOOO SHIT

"STAY BACK HE’S GOT BLUE EYES” “I’VE ALWAYS HAD BLUE EYES” I fucking love tormund & im v happy edd’s back!! missed that sad lil fucker

you can sEE LIL LORD UMBER’S BLUE EYES IN THE BACKGROUND

there's also been a billion memes about jaime & bran but I just gotta say jaime is so SHOOK when he sees bran lmfao

overall solid first episode! we got almost every reunion I was waiting for and a lot of info and insight and im hype for the rest of the season!!

thanks for sticking around til the end of my rambling friends :))))

[alistairradley]

How do a Christian know we are saved? If faith can be wrong? And we mess up a lot. ?

Hi there! I’m really sorry that it took me a long LOOOOOONG time to get back to you. I’ve been busy the past two or three weeks and I haven’t posted anything here in a while just reblogged some posts. I’ve been busy writing, catching up with old friends and Monster Hunter World came out and my brother taught me how to play (I’m sorry, I know the last one is not a legitimate excuse).Anyway, you asked a very good question. In fact, in Paul’s second letter to the Corinthian believers he told them to test themselves to see whether they were in the faith (2 Corinthians 13:5).If you read Scripture you’ll see that not everyone who claims to be a Christian or a follower of Jesus will enter the kingdom of heaven. Some will leave the faith because they were never Christians to begin with (1 John 2:19), some will leave to follow and devote themselves to false teaching (1 Timothy 4:1) and there are those who think of themselves as saved but kept on doing deeds of lawlessness, these people were never saved to begin with either (Matthew 7:23).Now, onto the part on how we know that we are saved. First a true Christian believes and trusts Christ as his/her Lord and Savior. You’ve probably heard that a million times and you can probably recite John 3:16-18 in your sleep but when Jesus tells people to believe him, he doesn’t just mean to believe that he exists but to believe in every word that he says about himself, about God, about ourselves and about what we should do with the knowledge that he shared with us.A true Christian is a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). In the Old Testament God promised that he would give his people a new heart and to put a new spirit in us so that we could walk in his statutes (Ezekiel 11:19-20). If you read Matthew 7:15-20, Jesus how to recognize a false teacher/false Christian from a true Christian. A bad tree bears bad fruits (evil deeds, sins) and a good tree bears good fruit.Now, the good fruit that Jesus was talking about in Matthew 7:15-20 aren’t disciples. He was talking about the fruit of the Holy Spirit which you can find in Galatians 5:22-23

These are the qualities listed that the fruit of the Spirit gives in a true believer:1. love2. joy

3. peace 4. patience 5. kindness 6. goodness7. faithfulness8. gentleness9. self-controlIf a person claiming to be a Christian doesn’t exhibit any of these qualities then that person is most likely to be a false Christian.Moreover, in Paul’s letter to the Roman believers more specifically in Romans 8:5-9, he gives the difference between the life of people who live in the Spirit (true Christians) and people who live in the flesh (unbelievers, false Christians).Now about the part where we stumble, sin and sometimes feel discouraged with ourselves. It is normal for Christians to struggle with sin. In 1 John 1:8-9, John tells his readers that if we say that we have no sin we are liars and we are deceiving ourselves. He encourages us to confess our sins and be faithful. What’s not normal is if a Christian continues to live a sinful lifestyle without repentance (1 John 3:4-10). A true Christian might sin from time to time but he/she lives a life of righteousness while a false Christian makes a practice of sinning and lawlessness.Sanctification takes time of course. Christians, especially the younger ones will struggle with sin a lot. The more closer we are to God, the more prayerful we become, the more we know him, the less sin we do. God promised to complete his good work in our lives (our sanctification, Philippians 1:6).True Christians are sanctified by God and their sanctification is evident in their lifestyle. The same way, false Christians show their unbelief by their lifestyles. They bear no good fruit and they have no true desire to know and obey God.Here’s a sermon from Paul Washer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuabITeO4l8It’s an expositional sermon on Matthew 7:15-27. It’s a real eye-opener that confronts modern Christianity in our culture. I’m not from the U.S. but what he preached is still applicable to the lifestyle of Christians in my country.

[bishopkenneth]

The Christian Killer and His Non-Christian Victims

[WARNING: this is a loooooong post that requires thoughtful reflection!]

I was in a discussion recently with a couple of thoughtful non-Christians who struggled deeply (and rightly so) with the “standard” view of how salvation works. You have a person who walks into a store and kills a dozen people. That person is either already a Christian or prays “the sinner’s prayer” before he dies. So, he goes to heaven, but his victims, being non-Christians, spend eternity in the torment of hellfire.

If this seems messed up, it is because it is messed up. So, let’s look at this more closely.

First, the view you’ve heard, which is quite popular in American Christianity:

Everyone is born estranged from God and a sinner worthy of eternal torment.

Christ died to pay for our sins, or to take our punishment, so that God could be satisfied, his wrath poured out on Jesus instead of us, and now God can forgive us because Jesus has paid/endured the penalty.

Salvation (and by that is meant going to heaven and not going to a hell of eternal torment) is acquired by faith, by believing, by trusting, that Jesus paid the price for our sins and that we are forgiven and all is well; it’s like, even though we sin, God sees Christ’s sacrifice instead of our own sinfulness, and consequently when we die we go to heaven.

Good works (or bad works) have nothing to do with our being saved; it is strictly a matter of having faith/believing/trusting.

Anyone who doesn’t have faith/believe/trust, no matter how good they are, when they die they go to the torment of hell forever.

Thus arises the question: if a mass murderer kills a bunch of atheists, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, or whatever - kills a bunch of non-Christians (and let’s make each victim a very upright, moral, self-sacrificing, loving non-Christian), and then that murderer puts his faith in Christ as he is dying, that murderer goes to heaven, completely forgiven and as if he did no wrong, while his victims spend eternity in torture?

When that scenario is described, people say, “That isn’t fair! That isn’t just!” And some Christians respond, “God’s ways are not our ways…God’s justice is so far above ours that we can’t even understand it…it has to be just because God does it, and God is just” (never mind that the “God’s ways are not our ways” text in Isaiah is about how merciful God is, not how he has a different scale of justice).

_________________________

None of that makes a lick of sense. Here is an understanding that is more biblical, more historic, and more sensible.

The world is fallen; everyone knows it, believers and non-believers. They may not use the term “fallen,” but everyone knows that things aren’t “the way they ought to be,” and that everything could do with “getting better.” The world could afford some “fixing.”

In that fallenness/brokenness, people are prone to selfish and/or evil acts that hurt other people. We see it all the time in personal relationships, politics, war, crime, etc. Christians call it “the sin problem.”

That brokenness is due to a broken relationship that humanity (and the cosmos) has with God. God is good, God is love, and if we were perfectly united with him, we would reflect that goodness and love and there wouldn’t be any sin/crime/war/etc.

Because humanity is infected with this spiritual disease of sin, and because humanity is incapable of remedying it themselves, God joined himself to humanity in the person of Christ in order to begin fixing things. The first big deal was Christ himself defeating death and promising that, because we are one with him, we too shall defeat death on the Last Day. Not us only, but the whole of creation will be made new, and the final fix will have occurred, and things will be the way they ought to be.

Notice, not a word in that description about heaven or hell.

Definitions

Now, let’s talk about the word “salvation,” because words mean things and definitions are important. If I say the word “chili” and mean a concoction of meat and beans, but you say the word “chili” and mean a pepper, then we’re going to be talking past one another when we say, “Hey, let’s meet up next Tuesday, and both bring some chili.”

When some people talk about salvation, they mean, “going to heaven and not going to hell.” But the Greek word for salvation (sozo) means to be rescued, to be healed, to be made whole. Paul tells us that Christ has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of light, the Kingdom of God (Colossians 1.13). Salvation is union with God. Period. That’s what salvation means: to be brought into perfect union with God, and thus to be made like him and to reflect him in ourselves, for his will to be our will, his ways our ways. This whole thing is very relational, and not about some technical legal fiction of moving us from the guilty column to the not-guilty column because Jesus paid our penalty. Salvation means being rescued, being made whole, being healed, because of being brought into unity with God himself.

OK, now let’s define “heaven.” Because again, the popular view is not necessarily the biblical view. Popularly, heaven is understood as a “place” somewhere “out there, way beyond the blue” where God and the angels and the faithful departed humans live in some kind of bodiless, ethereal state of bliss forever. Biblically speaking, however, heaven is simply the realm of God, the dimension of reality where all things are perfect and all things are good and joyful and beautiful because all things in this reality are perfectly united with God himself. “Heaven,” in this understanding, isn’t some other “place.” It is the beneficent rule of a good and loving God where no evil, no sin, no wickedness can exist.

Jesus died, not to pay for our sins or take our penalty, but in order to defeat sin and death and heal the broken relationship between humanity and God (“to reconcile,” if we want to use biblical language; 2 Corinthians 5.19). In other words, Jesus Christ is the way to God; there is no other way; God joined himself to us in Jesus in order to join himself to the whole of his creation and reconcile it and heal it.

And this reconciliation wasn’t achieved just for a select few:

Some Scriptures about God’s disposition toward his creation, and particularly humanity.

Jn. 1.29: The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, “Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!

Jn 3.16: For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

Jn 12.32: And I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all people to myself.

Ro. 11.32: For God has consigned all to disobedience, that he may have mercy on all.

1 Co. 15.22: For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ shall all be made alive.

Col. 1.19-20: For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, 20 and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.

1 Ti. 2.3-4: This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, 4 who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.

1 Ti. 4.10: or to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe.

1 Jn. 2.2: He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world.

Forgiveness and Correction

Another important piece: forgiveness does not mean there are no consequences. If punishment is remedial and not just vindictive, if punishment serves the purpose of correcting and maturing and is not just some authority venting his wrath, then punishment still needs to happen because it changes a person for the better. When God reveals himself to Moses (in Exodus 34) he describes himself this way: “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin [Wow! There’s the forgiveness part!], Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished.” Of course he doesn’t leave the guilty unpunished; because punishment isn’t vindictiveness, it serves the purpose of correcting, restoring, maturing, teaching, healing. It is for their own good (in every sense of that word).

Punishment/correction serves to burn out the wickedness that resides in us (including believing Christians), and to help us grow up into the image-bearers of God we are created to be - it helps us to be more like God, to draw more into union with him, to experience a more “heavenly,” “saved,” life - both in the here and the hereafter.

So, Jesus said, “Everyone must be salted with fire” (Mark 9.49). And St. Paul writes that Christ himself is the foundation for a life in union with God, and that, “If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work. If what has been built survives, the builder will receive a reward. 15 If it is burned up, the builder will suffer loss but yet will be saved—even though only as one escaping through the flames (1 Co. 3.12-15).

Notice, this “fire” talk is referring, not to a hell of eternal torment, but to believers being purified, the bad stuff being burned up, the good stuff enduring. The stuff that makes us not like God being eliminated and the stuff that makes us like God being preserved. In other words, the fire that burns up the sinfulness that we possess is kind of like a supernatural heavenly radiation treatment that destroys the cancer of sin, but saves and ultimately heals the afflicted sinner. That is, this fire of corrective punishment, of cleansing, brings us closer to God and makes us more like him; to put it another way, this fire brings us deeper into heaven (union with God).

All of this happens because of what God began in the incarnation of himself among us in the person of Jesus. Jesus is the reason it can happen. He is the author of our salvation. He is not the author of a legal fiction that moves us from the guilty to the not guilty column because he paid our penalty or took our punishment; no, he is the author of the power and process that actually, really changes us into being conformed to his image; the image of God; to be made like God (Romans 8.29). Really. Not theoretically or technically or “just on paper.”

The Mass Murderer

So, let’s go back to the story of the mass murderer who kills a bunch of good, decent, selfless, loving atheists, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, and assortment of other non-Christians, but just before he is lethally injected he sincerely turns to Christ for forgiveness. Is he just automatically ushered into heaven, scot-free? NO! That’s falling back to the pop-view of heaven. Here’s what happens: he dies, and because of what Christ has done for him, all his wickedness, evil, selfishness, etc., is burned up; torched away; consumed in purifying fire (”Our God is a consuming fire,” Hebrews 12.29). What emerges from that process is a man who looks like Jesus, who reflects the image of God, who is in actual union with God; a man in whom, “thy will be done” is achieved. Corrections have been made. Fixing has been accomplished. He is the way he “ought to be.”

And the others? The decent non-believers? Well, they are part of the “all” in the list of Scriptures I provided earlier. They encounter the loving God whose will it is to save them (rescue them, heal them, make them whole). Each of them, in their own individuality, are met face to face with the God who made them, sustains them (”In him we live, and move, and have our being,” Acts 17.28), and desires union with them. And they can say yes to that God who is love. Jesus is their savior too.

One Final Important Piece

What does it mean to have faith? To believe? Because lots of Christians will say, “As long as you have faith in Jesus, you will go to heaven and not hell.” I would suggest that the best English word to translate the Greek word pistis (faith/belief/etc.) is allegiance. “By grace are you saved [healed/rescued/made-whole] through allegiance” (Ephesians 2.8). Allegiance to what? To Jesus. To who he is. To what he has done, is doing, and will do. To what he tells us to do!

What does he tell us to do? Every time Jesus talks about judgment day, he says we are going to be judged for our actions. Period. That’s what Jesus says. We’re going to be judged by how we treated others. Real allegiance bears the fruit of action (The epistle of James tells us that “faith without works is dead,” 2.26).

What will those murdered non-Christians be judged for, according to Jesus himself? It may well be (most likely will be) that those folk will require a lot less fire than their death-bed converting killer. But, no matter what, salvation is found in Christ and in him alone. “Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved” (Acts 4.12).

[here-be-fangirls]

alright im gonna need the full hogwarts house/melodrama analysis, thank you very much,

SHOUTOUT TO THIS ANON IN PARTICULAR I care about 3 things and those things are 1) lorde 2) harry potter 3) analyzing the hell out of stuff. actually, 4, because of my platonic soulmate @shelbychild, who helped me choose the songs!! bc she is the absolute best!

this is literally just me rambling for four loooooong paragraphs straight if you read this all the way through you must really love either melodrama or me. (if you are confused, these 4 paragraphs are about this post.)

Ravenclaw:

This was the easiest because it’s my house! For Ravenclaw, I chose The Louvre because (in my mind) it’s a song about being absolutely fascinated with someone and enamored of them because of the way they think and talk and move (I get caught up just for a minute/but lover, you’re the one to blame/all that you’re doing) and I think that’s just very very Ravenclaw, meeting someone and developing such strong feelings for them out of pure fascination, because Ravenclaws love to be fascinated. also, just. THE LOUVRE. we’re the greatest and they’ll hang us in the louvre and it DOESN’T EVEN MATTER if it’s in the back because IT’S THE LOUVRE. that’s such a Ravenclaw thing, the whole aesthetic of the louvre (the place) is a ravenclaw thing, because art and history and learning and sooooo many amazing things to discover. ahhhhh. and then I chose Liability because it’s this very very vulnerable song about feeling as though you’re too much for everyone around you to handle and that it’s better for everyone if you’re alone and finding solace in your own company. and this screams Ravenclaw to me because I think Ravenclaws have a tendency to exist somewhat in their own worlds, to have all these conversations and fantasies and questions going on just within themselves, and it’s an incredible world that they want to show people, but showing people makes you vulnerable. POSSIBLY I’M JUST PROJECTING BECAUSE I’M A RAVENCLAW AND THIS SONG UNDERSTANDS ME. but anyways, Shelby agreed with these two for Ravenclaw right away, so they stuck. 

Slytherin:

Okay, so for Slytherin I picked Green Light bc in my mind, it’s a song about wanting things so badly that you can almost taste them & this wild exuberance that comes with GOING AFTER THOSE THINGS with all your strength. and that is Slytherin, my friend. that wild kind of ambition is slytherin 100% (side note: Shelby thought that this could also be Gryffindor, which I could also probably make a case for, but in the end we decided it’s stronger for Slytherin.) And furthermore, Green Light is (more than any other song on the album, I think) really cutting. like there are verses in this song that are ABSOLUTELY directed at Someone (she thinks you love the beach/you’re such a damn liar) and you don’t know who they are but you can hear this kind of bitterness directed at them. at times it can be really biting, almost harsh (those rumors, they have big teeth/hope they bite you) and I think that feeling of “I know what you did and I won’t forget” is verrrryyyyyyy Slytherin. AND THEN there’s Perfect Places, which for me is more mournful and kind of that other side of ambition, this sort of dissatisfaction (i hate the headlines and the weather + just another graceless night) that comes from being young and wanting things so badly and sometimes failing to get them. just the idea of trying to find perfect places, of wanting that, but in the end not being to get it– I think slytherins can feel failure very deeply, or that when they get what they want but it’s not what they were expecting it creates that deep, consuming dissatisfaction. and this song, esp with “all of our heroes fading/now I can’t stand to be alone” and “‘cause we’re young and we’re ashamed” just speaks to that disappointment and dissatisfaction AHHHH  I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO EXPLAIN WHAT I’M SAYING HERE I’M VERY SORRY. 

Hufflepuff

Okay, Hufflepuff was HARD. Originally, I picked Writer in the Dark and Supercut for Hufflepuff, because I feel that they’re both about loyalty, sort of, but Shelby wasn’t feeling Writer in the Dark (and she IS a hufflepuff) so we wound up changing it to Hard Feelings. I think Hard Feelings fits for Hufflepuff because it’s very….. forgiving? like, it’s sort of this story of things falling apart (when you’ve outgrown a lover/the whole world knows but you.) but despite that, the song begins asking “please could you be tender?” and for me, that’s a very Hufflepuff thing, to say “I know this is ending, but let’s give it a minute. let’s remember how good it was.” Hufflepuffs hold onto their beliefs in the good of a thing even when others might dismiss it as something that’s just over now. and even at the part of the song when it’s really, truly ending, when she says “i’ll start letting go of little things until i’m so far away from you”, that’s the softest part of the whole song. ALSO just the idea of “these are the hard feelings of love” because Hufflepuffs are so loyal to the people they love but it’s not always easy to love people. AND THEN there’s Supercut, which is also about remembering the good (all the magic we gave off, etc.) but I think mostly Supercut fits for Hufflepuff because I think Hufflepuffs can sometimes give away too much of themselves to other people, and I think that’s very prevalent in this song (in my head, I do everything right/when you call, I’ll forgive and not fight.) it’s kind of saying “this was good and beautiful once and i want it back, please give me another chance.” and I think that’s very Hufflepuff, to hold onto things because of what they were or could be, and to overextend yourself trying to make things better. 

Gryffindor

Listen I always have a hard time with Gryffindor headcanons for some reason BUT. Homemade Dynamite I put down for Gryffindor right away because it’s just SUCH a Gryffindor song. Like the whole song creates this scene with this this bold, apologetically wild energy. let’s blow shit up with dynamite! let’s dance with our shoes of! I don’t know you but I think you’re awesome! it’s just loud and messy we’re-on-top-of-the-world and there’s this sense that even if you’ve got things going on under the surface, even if there are dark things going on somewhere else in your life, you can let go of it all for a while and just live and be honest without being afraid. and that is just soooo Gryffindor, that idea of “you can’t knock us out or wear us down because we’re just going to keep living no matter what.” THEN, for song #2, I originally picked out Sober, but I didn’t really want to give both of the “party songs” to Gryffindors since that’s a bit stereotypical. So in the end Shelby and I settled on Sober II, which is kind of the even darker half of Sober. and although I don’t think this is the best song/House matchup (Gryffindor was a hard one), I like it because it has this kind of exhaustion crippled with grim resolve. for me, Sober II feels like “our feet are bleeding but we’re going to keep dancing because when we stop we have to turn the lights on and clean up and deal with the truth.” and I think that can be a Gryffindor thing, wanting so badly to be so full of life and to keep going but not being able to fully conceal the ugliness anymore and just “we wonder why we bother” fighting our way out of things when another fight will begin soon enough. 

if anyone ever claims 2 be in love with me i’m making them read this post and asking them “r u sure” because it is DIRECT INSIGHT into my brain and if you can’t survive reading this MESS you can’t survive putting up with me. 

[orrtala]

The relationships between the cast

Post S1 analysis

Yeah, it’s long again. Under the cut you go!

Wander & Sylvia

(a.k.a. these to make me emotional)

Man, these two…

Wander and Sylvia's friendship was, is, and will be a heart of the show. They compliment each other, they need each other, they make a great pair.

This season we've learned how did they meet – Sylvia used to be a bounty hunter and a furry orange weirdo was her latest mark. Who put a bounty on his head? Why? And how was he named on the wanted poster anyway? Yeah, the biggest S2 plot twist was revelation that Sylvia was the one who gave Wander his name. That's sweet, unexpected, and absolutely fits them.

Their friendship is so strong it didn't actually take any big hits? Wander messes up things and Sylvia's upset, sure, but reassures him that understanding that is a first step to make things right. Wander splits up into hundreds of personalities and Sylvia makes sure that every single one goes back to the original Spoon. Even in case of the erased duo from "The Waste of Time" after spending 50 years stuck in one place they just reaffirm their friendship by hugging each other and exchanging goobyes while disappearing. In "The Matchmaker" Wander pretty much says that their friendship is the biggest treasure they have and they both know it.

There is a case of Wander's immortality. Or longevity, who knows. Not only Sylvia will die beofre him, but it's also implied he had friends, travel partners like her before. And probably will continue to to have those in future. But there's also a fact that writers decided to show us this period in his life and, well, not to undermine the other travel buddies, but Sylvia must be really, really special for Wander compared to others.

Apart from maybe learning more about their past together I imagine they'd continue a trend of being the best friends this galaxy has ever seen. And that's all I could ask for, really.

Wander & Hater

(a.k.a. “Reforming a villain” w.i.p.)

The season starts with a reveal that Hater fell down from his position as 'the greatest in the galaxy', mainly thanks to Wander; our resident villain has problems with ignoring furry weirdo who constantly plays on his nerves and is distracted enough to forget his evil overlord duties. Even Dominator seems not be enough when you can marry destroy your happy-go-lucky nemesis or play a game of tag.

In "The Fremergency Fronfract" Hater gets zapped and doesn't really remember who he is and with Wander spends the whole day playing, having fun, and, later, at loopy!Hater's request, performing good deeds. And Wander doesn't want to let go of his new friend! He considers zapping him again and again, just so they could stay like that! That's… messed up and Spoon acknowledges that, letting Hater go. Though not without shedding some tears here and there. It was pretty important episode for both of them, though mostly to Wander; I bet Hater put an entire blame on the dentists regarding his behaviour. The ring left behind serves as a nice metaphor; Wander didn't get what he truly wanted (Hater's friendship) and was left with a cheap prize, which also serves as a symbol of hope that things will eventually get better.

Hater is actively afraid of Wander, because he thinks the furry weirdo may succeed. And, since he thinks of himself as an evil being, he sees is it as brainwashing. Which is not the case, although when you remind yourself of what Wander almost did in "The Fremergancy Fronfract" this line of thinking is not without its reasons.

Wander continues his quest on getting Hater reformed – this time he decided use power of luuuuuv. He does succeed, partially. Skeleton man does fall for Dom, reveals his softer side, is willing to admit somebody else is better than him and learns some empathy. Hater's on his way to be a good guy thanks to Wander.

In the middle of the crush mess they find a common ground. And, well, while they did work on wrong assumptions it was a common ground nonetheless. In "My Fair Hatey" Hater asked Wander specifically for help. …Mostly because he was the only one who cheered him on, but it was a big moment for them.

Of course I have to mention "The Hole…Lotta Nuthin'" too. Hater is mean, obnoxious and downright cruel to Wander (though he does stop himself before making him cry). Hater loves to be mean, to bully others and he finally got his chance to do it with Wander, of course he wasn't going to pass that opportunity. One of the reasons why he claims to hate our hero is that Wander easily presses on all his buttons, and there's not much that phases him.

Near the end Hater doesn't seem to hate Wander that much, but is still unwilling to be a good guy. He'll get there. Sometime in a future. And they will become friends.

He did save his life after all.

Hater & Sylvia

(a.k.a. I’m pretty sure this ^ ^ is the only scene they were alone on the screen in S2, give me more)

Sadly not much to talk about here. Hater and Sylvia barely interacted and the only one-on-one I can recall was in the finale, when our favorite zbornak started screaming: "Hate's Great, Best Villain" to help him fight Dom back and save the last planet in the galaxy. It was still pretty important moment; at this point Sylvia treated Hater as an ally, as a friend in who she recognized the need to be validated. And, well, he did save her life when stopping the drill before it could destroy the planet, so there's that.

Aside from that there was always Peepers and/or Wander nearby. Let's hope they'll get some more scenes together alone in the future.

Peepers & Hater

(a.k.a. we’re each others’ means to an end but also kind of friends)

Ah,these two. These two came a loooooong way since S1.

They took me by surprise. I honestly expected them to split up, to Peepers start working for Dominator, to them becoming enemies with each other. And, well, I wasn't that far from the truth, it seems. But what happened is that they repaired their relationship to the point of becoming friends. Sort of.

And all that thanks to Wander.

After falling down from the #1 spot on the leaderboard Peepers is exasperated with Hater and tries to get him back on the top. He's not afraid to speak up anymore, he's sassy, he's complaining. Which leads him to being fired.

Commander acknowledged that he wasn't able to conquer the galaxy on his own a long time ago, and settled down with helping Hater to acieve this goal. Hater in turn needed to learn he was not going to be an evil overlord for too long without watchdog's help. "The Axe" also showed us, through Peepers' flashbacks, that they did have fun together in the past, though it clearly meant much more to Commander than the Lord. In the end everything works out when Hater gets Peepers to come back to him and the little Commander even gets a statue of himself. Which was completely unprompted action on skeleton man's part; he already got his Commander back.

Also they seem to have a bone pool on the skullship what the flarp.

In "The It" Hater proves he's very much incompetent leader when Wander's involved and Peepers learns there will be more times he'll have to put his boss aside more when it comes to conquering, letting him only focus on intimidation part. And that's only sometimes.

Since presenting plans his way is boring to Hater, they… start to play with figurines. But they get to spend more time together! Having fun! It's all fine and dandy until Awesome shows up. What's interesting that through the entire "The Cool Guy" Hater tries to get Peepers to have fun with him and Emperor Awesome, only to constantly be dissuaded by shark man himself. But he doesn't stop and at the end wants them both watch the invasion together prepared by Commander. And he believes it's going to work, it's Peepers who planned after all, with figurines and all! Peepers gets more and more worried and angry during the episode, until the invasion time comes and he's willing to lead it by himself, out loud acknowledging and mocking Hater's true dreams. So it's interesting to watch that while Hater was the mean guy on surface, with escaping with Awesome and whatnot, it's Peepers who's ready to commit a treason. Still, we get to see Hater caring about his Commander and everyone's happy. Maybe besides Awesome, who still have to pick up all his fishbones after the beating Hater gave him.

While in "The Rager" Hater's shown to be listening to Peepers with only mild complaining, we get a really shocking image of skeleton man hitting his Commander in "The Good Bad Guy". It's weird, since it wasn't that surprising to see such scene in S1, but at this point? Hater, no, what are you doing, you're being… friend-ish with each other, don't.

The Hater's crush arc begins and Peepers is done. He worked hard to get Hater working with him despite constant distractions, and even got him on second place on the leaderboard, but this is too much. He becomes more and more exasperated, finally snapping and fighting his boss back for the Hat in "The Bad Hatter". Everything gets back to normal afterwards, but that was yet another moment that perhaps was foreshadowing for Peepers' future betrayal?

Still, as the season went, it really showed both of them went a long way and their relationship evolved for better despite the setbacks. And partly thanks to them.

…Although I am pretty sure there is supposed to be a treason/betrayal arc for Peepers in S3. But Hater could be the one to get him out of it, given their relationship.

Peepers & Sylvia

(a.k.a. welcome to frenemies paradise)

I mentioned already that while this relationship is important to both of them, it's more important to Peeeprs than Sylvia. For zbornak Commander is a bad guy with who, to her surprise, she found a common ground with. She's willing to work with him (not without complaining, of course,) especially when it comes to bringing down Dominator.

Peepers meanwhile doesn't really have anyone he could see on the same level (metaphorically, of course; I'm not sure Commander could find anyone who'd be able to look straight into his eye without bending, hehe). Hater, while on friendly-ish terms with him, is still his boss. He doesn't care about other villains personally, they're just obstacles on his way to becoming #1 once again. He doesn't want to associate himseld with other watcdogs aside from them being soldiers in his army. He wishes he and Hater could go on by ignoring Wander.

And then there's Sylvia, who's similiar to him, a person who can empathize with him.

Through "The Show Stopper" they work together, trying to dissuade Hater's crush on Dom, and even succeed. Not without bickering and showing a slight disgust with each other, but they are on their way on becoming frenemies.

In "My Fair Hatey" Peepers gets Sylvia's help and they both are working together on beating Dominator while 'their idiots' are busy wooing her. They show they can work great together, and have at that!

Also they sing together and it's great.

In "The End of the Galaxy" near the end Peepers and watchdogs save Sylvia's life and my skin is clear.

These two are very interesting cause back in S1 they barely interacted with each other. Then S2 happened and look at them, fighting together back to back, taking matters in their hands, singing duets. Being frenemies.

Also if there were any plans on making canon pairings in a future? These two have the biggest shot.

Peepers & Wander

(a.k.a. still main conflict of the show, but even fewer interactions)

I wish I had something more to say, but.

I talked in post S1 analysis why I think they don't interact much. Peepers would gladly ignore Wander while Wander kind of underestimates Peepers. And yet they still represent the main conflict of the show: getting Hater on a good/bad side.

But. They had few small interactions. Commander was willing to use wandering weirdo to stop Hater's long performance, sadly it backfired.

And there was this conversation in "The Robomechabotatron". And it was great! I loved how they adressed their conflict under the guise of titular robot. Though Hater's reaction made it less subtle than they meant it to be.

I'm hoping for more interactions in future though. They are bound to be interesting, especially if my theory about C-Peeps trying to be villain on his own would become true.

Main Four

(a.k.a. teamwork is important but one of them can’t do teamwork stuff)

These guys were shown more and more together, mostly in four main episodes and "The Robomechabotatron".

At the beginning they were only running into each other and then escaped Dom's ship together. Then they were fighting each other, but circumstances made Peepers and Sylvia team up to save Wander and Hater on multiple occasions ("The Battle Royale", "The Show Stopper", "My Fair Hatey") while 'their idiots' were busy fooling around to get Dom's attention. They escaped Dominator's ship yet again, everyone had their part in the plan. In the last episode the three of them worked together on the planet, while Wander was up in Dom's ship, also playing his part.

And then there's "The Robomechabotatron". Wander wants them to all work together. Everyone else refuses. Peepers and Hater are later willing to team up after learning they need four pilots. Sylvia refuses. The three of them fight, but Wander's here to save the day and makes them reconsider their actions.

They team up, get into the robot, ready to fight Dom and- Actually no, because Wander ruins everything. Ah, the irony. And he doesn't even acknowledge it.

On the surface "The Robomechabotatron" is a story about main four not being good enough to work together yet and they are set up for teamwork for future. And it is partially that. But the bigger problem here?

Wander is bad at teamwork.

Yeah, the guy who wants everyone to work together, who wants everyone to get along, who loves working with others… As long as he's in charge and no one tells him what to do. Remember, there is a mischevious/contrary Wander after all. He has his own ideas and ethics and it's fine, but maybe he should have let them know about his priorites before starting anything. Everyone else were ready to fight Dom, but Wander ruined everything.

And I'm really, really curious how they'd go with that in S3.

Dominator & Hater

(a.k.a. a crush that unsurprisingly went nowhere)

I remember how at the beginning of "The Search for Captain Tim" Hater entered his room wailing how much he hates that Dominator guy, because he's so cool. Then he cried how much he likes her because she's so cool. Then he was complaining about lack of taquitos, because wow, yeah, totally over Dom, not that he's distracting himself or anything. And I guess he actually likes taquitos.

And that's pretty much Hater's side of things. At the beginning he hated the guy, but also admired him in a way, about cool he was and was jelaous about that. Plus he did steal his image, so there was also a thing to be mad about.

But near the end of "The Battle Royale" Dominator lost her helmet and he – figuratively and literally – fell for her. Hard. And then tried to impress her and ask her out. Again, again, and again, failing each time.

It culminated in "My Fair Hatey", where Hater did the whole musical gig for her, which backfired completely and both he and Wander were almost destroyed by his lady love. Thanks to that experience he was afraid of her and felt humiliated enough to not actually fight back until the season finale, but he also gained some character development.

On Dom's side? She didn't care about the guy. Upon seeing he was sweet on her she used that against him twice, but otherwise didn't give him much thought. He was just another villain who yet had to bow down before her like everyone else. Though breaking his heart was a nice bonus, I suppose.

In the end she underestimated him, though she did fight back with words, taking jabs at his insecurities. Power of love and friendship saved the day, Dom lost and… Was ultimately saved wy Wander and Hater.

Dominator & Wander

(a.k.a. the same yet so different)

They're crazy. They're energetic. They love what they're doing. They wear sneakers. They… didn't really interact until finale.

Yeah, really. In "The Greater Hater" while Wander tried to engage newcomer into conversation, Dom didn't react, which made our furry hero mad. In "The Battle Royale" Wander got a glimpse at dancing Dominator without her armor and tried to set her up with Hater. Again, he was talking to her, while she ignored him. In "My Fair Hatey" he didn't say a word to her, leaving singing to Hater. It's Dom who spoke to him, to make fun of him and inform him about his inevitable demise.

Well, there was a small moment in "The Flower", where she tormented both him and Syl and he wished her gesundheit twice, but I'm not sure if it counts in grand scheme of things.

In "The End of the Galaxy" Wander finally confronts Dom. "Hey, you're not letting your bots destroy me!" "Yeah, because I want to destroy you." "Why are you like this?" "Yeah, I know I'm great."

Through the series Wander believes that love will save Dom just like it's going to save Hater. Problem is, Dominator loves what she's doing. She's not a pragmatic villain. She just destroys everything for fun. She makes everyone miserable for fun. How do you fight love with love?

After revealing the last planet's existence Dom torments Wander even more, almost destroying Sylvia and the whole planet, if it wasn't for Hater's intervention. Skeleton man fights her back and once and for all destroys her whole ship using her drill, which trapped her inside, causing her to have breakdown.

And then Wander finally gets the problem: Dom's lonely. She's stuck, tries to answer, then doesn't want to listen to him yet does it anyway, which only amplifies her breakdown. Wander (along with Hater) saves her life and she can not comprehend that. "Didn't I try to destroy you?" "You sure did! But we can begin anew!" Of course she refuses, it's way too early to talk about redemption of any kind for her.

It's curious how much alike they are, yet how much their worldviews seperate them. They are each others' foils, the light and dark reflections in a mirror. One wants to help everyone and be kind, while other thrives on pain and suffering. Dominator wanted to make him helpless, but in the end it was Dominator who was proved wrong. And she swore revenge if only for that. I guess that in the future she'll be set on making him suffer by proving him wrong, make him question his moralities and actions. Well, she and new villains that is.

Peepers & Dominator

(a.k.a. let them interact for flarp’s sake)

Boy, do I wish these two interacted more. Aren't they like the two most evil people on the show?

From Peepers' side he wishes Dom would never appear in his galaxy, she only caused trouble. First by being #1 on the leaderboard, destroying every planet in sight, and then he had to deal with Hater's crush on her. He treated it rather personally, and tried to defeat her by using frostonium on her ship, which, sadly, backfired.

Dominator in turn was definitely unnerved by his actions in the season premiere and musical, but ultimately? She probably didn't remember his name. Maybe just associated him with the rest of the idiots at best.

*bangs fists on the table* Give! Me! Peepers! And! Dominator! Interacting! In! Season! Three!

Dominator & Sylvia

(a.k.a. I hanged out with WHO?!)

These two definitely had fun in "The Night Out". Sylvia couldn't recognize Dom, she didn't really got to meet her, only saw without armor her from far, far away back in "The Battle Royale" and the villainess decided to use it. And… they had fun. They had actual fun together.

Dom didn't even had to pretend that much, she was only not destroying everything entirely, but still got to trash the whole bar. Meanwhile Sylvia was glad she got a moment free from good-doing. And tried to impress 'D' by being a bad girl for a night.

Of course everything came to a screeching halt when Dom's tendencies came out and Sylvia put her foot down. Dominator left still not understaning what friendship is all about and Syl had to deal with knowledge she spend the whole night with the omnicidal maniac.

What's interesting about it is that both of them had fun, Sylvia called 'D' her friend, and Dom did propose Syl an alliance where they would rule together. …Well, kind of, I imagine when it comes to Dominator's understanding of partnership she'd expect the other to listen to her all the time. But, hey, it was something.

Although Dom definitely tried to forget about the whole thing, if her words in "The Flower" are any indication. Still, I imagine that in the future the matter of them bonding would be adressed.

[pterodactylichexameter]

@tereska1337  replied to your post “Honestly can someone confiscate SJM's laptop and copyrights and...”

Now authors are being told how and why to write a book? Seriously guys get a grip. Her world her creativity her life. Let the woman be. Imagine peeps writing that about your fan fiction and show some sensitivity. It was by no means a bad book and mor was uncomfortably like a lot of withdrawn young women on here. Good looking. Intelligent. Strong. Hidden sexuality. And a bit of a bitch. Dudes. Get over it.

I’m going to ignore the fact that you think Mor is a bitch (??????). 

I’m not going to apologize for being critical of a piece of literature because??? It’s a piece of literature? sjm is a published author. This is her job. It’s not like she’s writing fanfic in her spare time between classes or work,  these books are her source of income. She’s a professional and should be treated as such. She’s creating a book that’s (supposed to be, at least) been through multiple editing processes and is supposed to be a product. 

There’s a difference between critiquing her creative choices that have no effect on the real world and critiquing things that have been a loooooong standing problem in literature (like Mor being closeted for centuries and the way her abuse is swept under the rug, only to emerge again when it’s relevant to Rhys) that’s.... pretty much all a result of sjm’s blindingly white feminism. 

Look at things that are supposed to be ‘feminist’ in acowar. The library run by abuse victims? Rhys is the one who rescues them and helps them find positions in the library. Mor being uncomfortable with Keir and Eris in the same room? Rhys feels bad about saying that she should just get over it :(((( Poor Rhys, let’s focus on his bad feelings rather than the actual victim in the situation. Female Illyrians wanting to train? The boys must teach them and keep them safe. Actual battle???? The girls mostly stay behind while the men consistently fight. Feyre’s power? All given to her by Rhys. Sjm is too busy focusing on “proving” that Rhys is ~~~feminist~~~~ to do anything else with her characters. Thanks, I got the message in acomaf. The entire structure of straight, male-dominated power systems is just to make the male characters who are supposed to be good look better. And conversely, the same thing goes for Mor and her sexuality. Cassian says in “Wings and Embers” that it would be perfectly fine if Nesta preferred women. There’s a gay high lord. Helion is openly bisexual. And yet when there’s a main character who doesn’t happen to be straight? She just happens to come from the one place that isn’t tolerant and feels pressured to hide her sexuality around her friends and family. That’s an obvious choice on sjm’s part and feels tacked on, especially since all previous conceptions of sexuality in Prythian seem accepting. 

I think there’s a general conception that writing quality is entirely subjective when it really isn’t? After a certain point, yes, stylistically, people are going to have different opinions about what makes someone’s writing good.  But on a basic level, good writing is supposed to be constructed in an interesting way on a sentence level all the way up to a narrative level.  Acowar was a mediocre book at best. Not counting any of the gross themes, the plot was either sluggish (ie Feyre at the Spring Court), so fast it didn’t make sense (what “war” ends in a few days???), and inconsistent (the complete lack of build up to Mor’s coming out among many other things).

And furthermore, who wants to read about homophobia and misogyny??? Sjm is writing a fantasy series where people can come back from the dead, get turned into elves, teleport, and yet she can’t imagine a world without misogyny and homophobia??? I don’t want to read a book with abuse mentions on every third page and the only queer main character being highly unhappy (the one who is supposed to embody the power in self acceptance). I don’t want to read about a world where if I were in it and I didn’t have a man to give me power, I would be have no chance. If I’m reading about fae and magical cauldrons, why can’t I also read about Mor happily being out to her family and not being pressured and shamed into coming out to someone she’s only known for a year, friend or no? 

“Don’t read it then!!!!!” Just because these things don’t effect you doesn’t mean that they should exist in the first place? Some people have said that they relate to Mor. I get that. But at the same time, why is this happening in the first place?? Everyone would be up in arms if there were a story with all queer characters and the one straight character in the lot of them was unhappy with their sexuality and had to hide themselves for their own safety. Sjm’s writing is supposed to set a precedent. It’s labeled as feminist. It’s labeled as inclusive. The problem is when her writing becomes a standard when it shouldn’t be. 

Sjm is a professional. She’s not a fic author. I can write whatever crap fic I want and what, people will ignore it? They’re not paying to read it, they can just move on with their lives and forget they ever clicked the link in the first place. Sjm is a professional. Do you sit in a literature class and only talk about the things that were good? If you bring up inconsistencies of plot or character, is someone going to berate you and just say that you should get over it? Obviously tumblr isn’t a classroom. But the way we look at literature isn’t really that different sometimes. I’m not going to “show some sensitivity” because the minute sjm published a book and released it into the public, she’s opening herself up for criticism. That’s how literature works. So no, I will not (and should not) just “get over it.”

[honoraryskywalker]

11 Questions Meme

Rules:

1. always post the rules. 2. answer the questions given by the person who tagged you. 3. write 11 questions of your own and tag 11 (or however many) people to answer them.

I was tagged for this meme by both @froomage and @katherinevar, which is great because 1) our Strike-related conversations are one of my favourite things about my Tumblr experience, and it’s nice to talk about something else for once and get to know each other a bit more; 2) their questions were sooooo fun. 

Here are my answers to @froomage‘s questions:

1. What fictional place would you most like to go?

Definitely Middle-Earth. I’d love to tour all of it, but if I had to choose a place to stay for a while, I’d say post-War of the Ring Rohan. They’ve got Faramir and Eowyn. And horses (I’ve only ever ridden a horse twice, and learning how to do it properly is one of my as yet unrealized childhood dreams). 

2. Tell me about your pets! Or pets that you would like to have. Or, if you do not like pets, what the hell?

We have a female cat that’s jokingly referred to as “the cat from Hell” by most of our friends and family. I guess this tells you something about her character. But we love her. And she loves us (in her own way, which includes biting our toes and generally making a mess of our flat in every way she can). 

3. Who is your biggest role model?

My parents, both as individuals and as a couple. Day by day, they have built a family I consider a privilege and a blessing to have been raised in, and with their example they have shaped such a huge part of the woman and wife I am - and I strive to be. 

Sorry if this sounds sappy, but I could literally go on for hours writing how grateful I am for them. 

4. If you were dictator of a small island nation, what crazy dictator stuff would you do?

I’d order the writing of a glorious national epic to rival with Dante and Homer.

(*evil cackle*)

Honestly, I don’t think I’d be that good of a dictator. I like books, tea, hugs and kittens, you see. 

5. What is something that a ton of people are obsessed with but you just don’t get the point of?

Reality TV, and the disco.  (yep, I hated it even when I was 15). 

6. What fad or trend do you hope comes back?

I’ve never been one to really care about or follow trends, so I wouldn't know... For the moment, I only hope fidget spinners disappear as suddenly as they appeared. /middleschoolteacherproblems. 

7. What was the best compliment you ever received?

This is a very difficult question for me, because  “Words of affirmation” is my main love language, so a kind word can really make my day, even if it’s something very simple. Even something like  “you’re a good person” makes my day, if it’s told by someone I know is sincere. 

8. What would Amortentia smell like to you? (The love potion from Harry Potter that smells like the three things you’re most attracted to.)

Freshly-cut grass, black tea, lime blossoms. 

9. Speaking of Harry Potter, which house do you belong in? Why?

According to the last Hogwarts House test I took (it was a meme here on Tumblr), I’m half Ravenclaw-half Gryffindor. I think I recognize myself in this description. People would describe me as an “intellectual” person, and I’m definitely bookish and curious about the world even beyond my everyday life. But I'm also fiercely passionate about my principles and my opinions, and when there’s something I really care about I’m extremely determined (sometimes even to the point of stubborness). 

10. If you could travel backwards in time, where/when would you go?

There’s so many places I’d love to see (or historical people I’d love to meet). I’d love to visit early modern London and watch Shakespeare’s plays as they were originally performed. Be friends with the Inklings at Oxford. Drink a glass of wine with G.K. Chesterton in his house. Roam the streets of medieval Europe and see the great cathedrals when they had just been built. 

11. What keeps you up at night?

I’ve recently become a fall-asleep-as-soon-as-head-touches-pillow kind of person, unless there’s something that really troubles me. Sometimes I stay awake in bed a little longer to go on reading a good book or look up a couple interesting articles on the Internet or pray a while, if it’s been a particularly busy day and I haven’t had much time. 

12. What’s one thing you wish you could change about yourself?

Two things, actually: my hair and my tendency to be a little bit anxious. 

13. Favourite book of all time?

The Lord of the Rings. 

And here are my answers to @katherinevar’s questions:

1. If you had to live in a house in the woods without internet and phone for a month which five books would you choose to take with you?

The Lord of the Rings - The Bible - Flannery O’ Connor’s short stories - Philip K. Dick’s short stories - The Odyssey 

(and so many more I can’t mention because you said only 5. Yes, I know those short story collections are technically more than one book, but well...) :D

2. Between your favourite actor/actress, singer and author which would you choose to meet and why?

He isn’t an actor... But if we’re talking about living people only, I’d say Christopher Nolan (he’s one of my favourite directors and he sounds like an interesting person to talk to, with many interests and a clever mind).  Or George Lucas. (Star Wars was my first love). 

But I’d love to have a loooooong chat with J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis and G.K. Chesterton. Or Shakespeare. Oh, Shakespeare. (*heart*).  As for Italian writers: Giovannino Guareschi and Eugenio Corti. 

I feel like I owe much to these people, for the way they have made me laugh and cry, given me food for thought, shaped my worldview and enriched my life with their stories and their characters. 

3. Which song could listen for 24 hours without getting bored?

Right now I’m binge-listening to Bruce Springsteen’s American Land (the live version from the 2006 Dublin concert). But it changes very often.  

4. Your favourite movie?

Star Wars (I-VI). Yes, I’m one of the few people who loved the Prequels but didn’t like The Force Awakens. 

Also, Gran Torino by Clint Eastwood. 

Again, there are many more which I had to leave out...

5. Is there a book you would change the ending and which one is it?

Ask me again after Lethal White has been published and we find out if Robin married Matthew in Career of Evil or not. 

6. Who is your favourite author that you buy his books with eyes closed?

Most of my favourite writers are from the past, so I’m not really “following” any author right now (with the exception of our friend Robert Galbraith). But I still have a lot of books by G.K. Chesterton / Philip K. Dick to buy, so...

7. If you had to leave your country where would you like to go?

Somewhere in the UK, or Dublin. 

8. Which is your favourite book character?

You can’t make me choose between Samwise Gamgee and Faramir. :)

9. Your favourite tv-show?

Generally speaking, I tend to prefer miniseries. I loved BBC’s Pride and Prejudice and Stranger Things. As for the longer series, I haven’t watched many, but I usually prefer the ones which are more comedy than drama. I was a huge fan of Monk and Psych. 

10. Have you ever bought a book that was mentioned in another book you were reading?

Only when I was studying at university (I bought books which were mentioned in the bibliography of other books). 

11. Which is the quality that most people apreeceate about you?

People often tell me I’m wise, a good listener and a good giver of advice.

I tag @katherinevar, @froomage, @many-books-little-time, @somebluenovember and anyone else who’d like to answer. :)

My questions:

1. What does it take for you to fall in love with a story? (a good plot, deep characters, etc.)

2. If you had to describe yourself with 3 adjectives, what would they be?

3. Is there an author/book/show/film you really love, even if it embraces a worldview that’s completely different from yours? 

4. What is a book you really wanted to like, but didn’t? (or a book you didn’t think you’d like, but ended up loving)?

5. Write a quote that really resonated with you and explain why. 

6. Did you ever “meet” a fictional character who was just like you in their appearance/character/behaviour? 

7. What is your favourite food?

8. Is there a trait which makes you hate a character instantly, no matter what they do?

9. What is your favourite childhood memory?

10. If you could only read one book to your children, what book would you choose?

11. What is your favourite fairy tale (I’m talking about “classical” fairy tales) and why?

[resetgurl]

The good news is, I didn’t have any pringles today😂 I said I’d still get Lord of the Fries on occasion, specifically Wednesdays when I have school (it can be a loooooong day), so here it is. . I usually just get the chips and nuggets and no shake, but I got a shake today for some reason. I must say though, as super tasty as the food was, I did notice my heart flittering a little and some feelings of weirdness like that whilst eating 🤭 Must be all that oil and salt and processed faux meat 😬 I also feel like I’m not as desperate for it as I used to be? Like I could do without it and might rather having a hearty wfpb lunch? Egads, right?! . Also the porridge I had for breakfast and post-dinner look the same so here’s one photo for both ☺️ ... #wfpb #oats #porridge #lordofthefries #salty #chips #fries #wfpbdiet #wfpbwannabe https://www.instagram.com/p/BwpANQrgaEA/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=n3zdvl8gccdl

[deanssweetheart23]

@pickupthatamulet reblogged your post: Downsized and added:

Oh lord. This is next level cute. It is different from your other stuff but still so amazing. You are always so good Love. I was so excited to read new stuff from you.

My wonderful, wonderful friend. I am always excited when I see your reblogs and am very glad you liked this. Thank you for your kind words. Really. (Oh. And speaking of new stuff. There’s another AU coming. But it will probably take a while because it’s loooooong.)

@sandlee44 reblogged your post: Downsized and added:

love it so cute and funny and very well written

Thank you so much! I’m glad you liked it!

thebabeontheback reblogged your post: Downsized and added:

Oh this was fun!!!

Thank you! <3 

[cheskalagran]

BYE 2018

This year has got to be the year jampacked with EVERYTHING. I might have the same motivation to write now but i gotta try for my future self. (bcos yaknow everything that I dont write eventually gets forgotten and i have no way of remembering, it just turns into a blank patch in my mind lyk 2017 lol) whatever happend to 2017??? i was scrolling through this blog and i didnt find any 2017 posts lol what??? was i in a trans or??? idk i have no memory of new year 2017. well i dont want that to happen to 2018 because theres just so much that happened so here it goes.

JANUARY- I started the year in qc.

Jan 2- I saw Mamsh for the first time in uptc. We bought my very first film roll. n Agfa Vista 200 in Satchmi.

Jan 7- i put my first film roll in. took a few shots. oh and im back in marinduque

Jan14 to the end of the month- im just in duque doing normal stuff i guess idk. More MSC days. I was really stressed about being irreg. lol

FEBRUARY-

feb 2 i went to Manila for the opening of Arts Month. IT WAS SO GREAT I NEVER FELT SO ALIVE IT WAS WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED, to live each waking day to be exposed to art. agh fun tyms. i spent 5 days in Bayview and everyday i went to luneta park for workshops and other shennanigans. While this was all happening i was also shooting for our Trends and Network (?) (subject) video. Reg was my partner in this video we were supposed to put a vissual on a poem our prof gave us.

feb 3

first time to eat yellow watermelon.

went to a baybayin writing workshop and learned how to write baybayin yay

saw autotelic, better days, sud and ben and ben that night

FEB 4- still there

feb 5- attended poetry night and saw mike coroza. saw mamsh again today and we went to national museum. It was the last day of arts month.

feb 6- i went home to duque

Feb 7- i edited my footage

~idk what date but hahaha the video i edited got 75 loooool but our prof gave us another chance to edit the shit.

feb 14- mundo- iv of spades was released. idk how this is relevant to me lol but yeah it was released on this day.

feb 17- UP fair that i wasnt able to go to. Finals week is near im so stressedt

feb 20- im editing the video again. we made a storyline instead of just putting vissuals on the poem.

feb 21- the stress was getting to me. i havent been sleeping bcos of finals and editing so i cut my hair short. the shortest it has been, they said i looked like hannah baker

~idk what date but i finally passed the video and we got 85 thank god for that curve lol~

feb 24- Im back in Manila. first time to ever play with the orchestra in a place which is not marinduque. Played in Makati along with Sta Isabel peeps.

feb 26-

Went to bgc--- to the overrated Venice grand canal place to be exact.

Saw Alex Aiono live.

Bought a new Murakami book (Wind Up Bird Chronicle) that i havent still finished until now

feb 27 to march- marinduque ++ more MSC things

March 29

practiced a viola piece for auditions sa ust but hey its 2019 and i didnt end up auditioning

Moriones festival (holy week)

Watched Baconaua a film by Joseph Laban shot in Mdq. the plot was also mdq related!!! and also socially relevant at present. its kinda about drugs--- well it is about drugs.

april 7- went to ust for enrolment

apr 8- went home na ata i dont even know

apr 13 ICON MANILA DAY1

went to manila for yfc’s 25th anniv!!!!! AAAA ICON 2018~ FULL BLAST

bRO THE THEME WAS MUSICALS AND THEY PERFORMED DISNEY AND THE GREATEST SHOWMAN THEMED THINGS HUHU MY HART IS HAPI

yfc reunion yey

APR 14 DAY 2 - FIREWORKSSS AND TALKS

APR 15- DAY 3

LAST DAY

GOT AN ICON DAVAO SHIRT

NASA ICON RECAP VIDEO AKO

APR 16 ARRIVED IN MDQ FOR FINALS

APR 19- SURVIVED FIRST DEFENSE

APR 23- FINAL DEFENSE

APR 26- SHELLY’S DEBUT

APR 30- FOUND OUT I DIDNT PASS THE UPCAT YO

MAY 3-

GRAD PHOTOSHOOT

SAGALA

MAY 8- 18TH

MAY 10- SURPRISE BDAY CELEB BY THE BEACH T^T gots a new laptop yey. got another murakami book from fiel. got a cool shirt from dem. got my fav necklace (which means so much to me since it has so much connection to who i am--- its a Sta. Claire/ St. Francis pendant from Rome.) Lola passed down a family heirloom to me--- her watch. <3

MAY 11- woke up after last night’s celeb for Graduatioooon.

May 11 to 19- stayed at home and watched movies and shi

May 20-

watched Musika sa Isla’s concert. first time that i sat out since i was so busy huhu.

Went out with Reg and went kayaking

May 21 and onwards more of doing nothing and watching movies and shii

May 29- went out with sum frends i havent seen for so loooong: isa, franz, angge, ira

Jun 2- went out with the fam and tita pina to the beaaachhh

Jun 15- My first provincial Shout!!! YBB LAGUNA!!!

Jun 18- went to shannon falls!!!! hiked and swam with the fam ++ dream favor fam

Jun 19- end of Prov Shout huhu went to amoingon with the YBB laguna team. swam some more in the beach.cried A LOT. said goodbye to fwends huhu

Jun 20- left duque for good

Jun 22- went to ust to settle thingz, dorm hopping

Jun 23- went to ust again

Jun -Jul scrabble, movies, wine, milktea, mc do and a couple of city thingz. Prepared for YCOM acad. long distance organizing with yasu huhu.

Jul 25- went home to duque for YCOM Acad!!! My first and last event as a the provincial YCOM head. cant believe we actually got to put this together huhu sml

Jul 26-28- finally had face to face organizing with the pcg. practiced songs and hosting.

Jul 29- YCOM ACAD NAAA. a lot of hard work paid off in this event. a lot if crying again. said goodbye to friends again.

Jul 30- left for Manila first thing in the morning

Aug 1- First day dorm life

Aug 2- Start of freshmen week. Freshmen pol sci orientation

Aug 3- ROARientation

Aug 4- got very drunk with batch mates uuuhhh which was wrong cos its just the first day and i probably made out with someone???uhhh

Aug 6- Tomasino na ako event. Saw Ben and ben and fourplay mnl

Aug 10-

went to cinemalaya with reg,kly and paul. was supposed to watch liway but ended up watching school service. bumabagyo rn hahahaha.

first time to ride the lrt loool

Aug 11-13- spent 3 days alone in qc aHAHAHA they were in cebu

~Lol kinda  dated a blockmate or whateva at this time uuhh~

Aug 17- parents visited manila, we went to intramuros

Aug 20- kuyas bday

Aug 21-saw reg and we watched another cinemalaya entry: Madilim Ang Gabi. sobrang slow paceeeedddd but ya it was about ejk. #SupportLocal

Aug 22 and onwards- A LOT OF READINGS

Aug 28- bar hopping with 7wonders

MORE STUDYING

Sep 5- saw Sud again in ust. org week ata??

MORE STUDYING

~kinda stopped dating that blockmate na~ ahahah

MORE STUDYING

Sep 21- saw shelly, aira, and fiel at Happy T. met someone but never talked again after that nyt. slept at fiel’s

MORE STUDYING

Sep 28- YFC GA

Sep 29- WENT TO SHE’S ONLY SIXTEEN’S 10TH ANNIVERSARY WITH MAMSH BROOOOOOO (XX: XX Makati)

ang bandang shirley

lions and acrobats

mellow fellow

rusty machine

oh flamingo

sandwich???

i forgot the others huhu

IT WAS WILD I LOVE SENA

OCT 4-5- PRELIMS ((no sleeping starts))

Oct 10-pre lims. got rly unexpected close friendships. slept at dean’s.

Oct 20- Island with shelly, ira, dean and sum binilde friends. met sum ppl. slept at mark’s

MORE STUDYING! ! !

~kinda started talking to someone i actually like~

OCT 29- FINALLY WENT BACK HOME TO DUQUE HUHU

OCT 29- went to the beach with reg trisha cavite peeps and kuya francis. saw kent kuya jm and jayson at kuya karl’s

OCT 31- inuman with friends i havent seen for so loooooong, drew, ira, pam, josh, angge

UNDAS- made my term paper about islam huhuhuhuhuhu d y i n g

NOV 3- went to the beach with yfc people huhuhu yasu mat ninyah and others. quest ang gracenote were there at villa aplaya also ahahaha

NOV 4- haaayyy left duque again :<

MORE TERM PAPER MAKING

NOV 14- first meeting of that ~someone~ im talking to. went to rou bourbon. agh i actually like this guy can u believe it

NOV 16- saw ~that guy~ again. went over to his place and met his dog

MORE STUDYING

Nov 23- saw ~ that guy~ again// study date

MORE STUDYIN BCOS FINALS IS NEAR IM DED

Nov 29- adventures with dean and mia at 3am. smoked a lot this month brOo i was ded more studying

Dec 2- mom visited me huhu lord tnx

Dec 3- Agape

Dec 8 onwards- FINALS WEEK a lot of smoking//very very very ded at this point

Dec 13- SURVIVED FINALS AND WENT OUT WITH 1POL3

Dec 15- i was high with kuya and claud

Dec 17- drank with kuya and claud

Dec 19- i was high

Dec 20- mom and micha and pau arrived

Dec 21- PASKUHAN with micha <3 ~the guy~ i was talking to ditched me lol. the dating thing was “paused” looooooool things started going downhill again but paskuhan was so fun!!!!! huhhuhuh definitely made me feel things. saaw ransom collective and spongecola <3 mia and chad r now together. micha slept in my dorm

Dec 23 and 24 and 25- christmas shenanigans in ateneo.

Dec 24- cinco ako sa nstp. i died seeing this

Dec 28- BANDERSNATCH!!!!!!!

Dec 29- went to bulacan for Kuya Oyo’s wedding cute couple

Dec 30-31- STAYCATION with the fam

DEC 31- went home and welcomed the new year. smy prof hasnt still replied for the cinco he gave me.

yaaaaalllllll 2018 was rough. a lot has happend. and im difinitely not the same person anymore. whats worse is that im kinda disappointed of what i turned out to be. :/ things are just sad. i havent been able to pick myself up until now. idk if im just in the right place or in the right time or with the right people but all u i know is that things could be in a much better place. i just hope that 2019 would put things in a better place. i cried a ton shit of tears this year. cut a few scars.left a lot of people. so much new things. it was my wildest year so far. Living independently alone, surviving college and the city life--- it was very different from what Im used to. but hey i survived and im proud of myself for that.2018 u were painful---so painful.  U made me try so hard and fail so hard at every aspect. I tried to maintain ties with friends even though it wasnt rly my thing. It was so hard for me to maintain connection agh but at least i still tried. Acads wise, I tried so hard to study for that one major prelim exam and i failed--- for the very first time, i failed a major exam. I tried to love--- yup--- thats totally not me--- i tried to date people. but lol things rly just dont work out sometimes. it be lyk that sometimes. ako pa yung dinitch HAHAHAHAH lol

the first half of the year was so fulfilling a lot of fun times. Never have i ever felt lyk i knew myself so much. everything i did was everything i wanted to do. For the first time i felt lyk i was turning out to be who i wanted to be but surprise everything turned around at the second half of the year.

it  made me feel lost it made me feel alone. its 2019 and that feeling hasnt changed. still a ton shit of anxiety. god Every holiday season i try my best to get in the holiday spirit but hah this year no matter how hard i try i wasnt just feeling it.  everything feels so static i dont wanna be like this anymore. The second half of 2018 made me feel like im the wrong place am i in the wrong place i dont know.