#good thing college starts in a month otherwise i'd be fucked

[asbestos-11]

something something i found a drawing from november and promptly decided to redraw it

[stupid-sloot-headcanons]

The reblogged chubby darling stuff has made me so happy like I needed that today. I got on some new medicine and they quick took me off it when I gained over 20 pounds in like 2 months, so I'm feeling kinda down because I have to lose all that weight on top of what I've already got AGHH Sorry to rant, just wanted to say I love your writing as always and it cheered me up!

Personally I'd say (as someone who had to try multiple medicines throughout my life) that as far as side effects go, some weight gain in and of itself is better than living with the condition it's treating. But again, idk your situation and what the medicine is. There are worse things to be than 20 pounds heavier yk? And it's a good point to start losing weight if you want to: better to do it early when your goal is 20 lbs as opposed to like. 50

I've kept a consistent weight and when I did track calories + exercise (and to my chagrin, tried fasting for 24-48 hours in college for months at a time), I only lost about 10 pounds and got tired of obsessing over my appearance and scrutinizing myself. Who gives a fuck if you're fat if it isn't affecting your health and you can do the shit you physically want to do?

I worked a full time job that kept me on my feet constantly, and not once did I ever feel short of breath. I could lift kids up to 40 or 50 pounds because I did weight training so I could carry them easier during a fire drill or emergency. I still do archery for fun when I have the chance and every time I vacation by a body of water, I always love kayaking for hours. My mom jokingly calls me She-Woman because I always do stuff for her around the house or physical labor-related favors (like I dragged her, in her kayak, with one hand, ashore after she got it stuck in mud by the shore) And I'm still fat while I do it!

Nobody is obligated to find me attractive or want to fuck me or anything, but if someone's not into me solely because of my weight even if they'd be with me otherwise, then that's on them. I've got bows to shoot, kayaks to get into, and babies to carry in either arm. If someone makes you feel like shit for your weight, hit da bricks! And if someone sends you low-tier bait about how "Well this fictional drawing would soooo not fuck you if they were real because they'd think fatties are icky and gross and lazy", then double fuck em. We're all fantasizing about drawings and your headcanon matters as much as mine in the grand scheme of things (spoiler: that means they don't fucking matter at all lol)

[vvatchword]

So. I got fired.

When a big family emergency hit back in November, it just knocked me the fuck out. Just blew me right out of the water. I kept thinking I'd get back into things, but I never did. I was just completely flattened.

I started being late. Dreadfully late. Then I started not working at all. I could just NOT WORK. Like I couldn't get out of bed--it was that bad. I mean I couldn't. I wanted to get up, I was willing to get up, but I couldn't fucking get up. If I did work, it was at a crawl. I have never had as much trouble with alarms as I do now: they can't wake me up, or I simply cannot get up. My communication fell off. My work fell off. Simply the worst work and the worst worker you've ever fucking seen. As far as my personal life was concerned, I started missing appointments and I stopped being able to cook. I just couldn't fucking cook! It didn't matter if I had a whole box of ingredients and the recipe book in front of me, I couldn't do it. It wasn't happening. I lost something like 25 pounds because if I couldn't make myself go shopping I just wasn't eating.

And we were putting out a BOOK.

Anyway, I got my first-ever "less-than-satisfactory" job review. I got a list of things to improve. It was a fucking torment, but I was pushing myself, I spoke to friends for accountability's sakes, I was up front with my bosses, I went to therapy, I was making sure I was medicated... I thought I was improving as of the last two weeks!

But it was too little, too late. I think they'd already decided they wanted to drop me. And that's because--well, at my yearly review, my greatest nightmare occurred. Y'all know I'm autistic as fuck. And part of being autistic is pretending you're a human being. Look at me! I'm a fucking human! I smile at the right time and speak the right way and meet your eyes just the way I should. Don't get in a conversation with me when I'm tired or it starts getting weird but otherwise-----

Well, us autistics call this shit "masking." It's a labor. It's a skill. And at my yearly review, I had to sit down with this brand-new A-type executive director we have--and it did NOT feel good. It felt like a goddamn job interview. I could tell he was judging me on a level I wasn't prepared for. I was pretty worn down from months of family and personal bullshit--not the least of which was the low fucking pay and terrible benefits, which, combined with astronomical rent and car issues, have put me heavily in debt. Oh, and did I mention that I have a problem with older men? It's not something I realized until after I spoke to my therapist about this particular event, but under certain circumstances--of which this was the perfect storm--I revert to a child. It's a trauma response. Don't ask.

My mask straight-up shattered and I looked and sounded like I was fucking mental. I don't know how to explain it to you and half of that is because I hate just THINKING about it. It's like my soul was trying to leave my body. My voice pitched up and went monotone in a way I haven't had to fight since I was in college. I began self-flagellating and just uttering complete nonsense. If I were a dog I would have been rolling over with my tail between my legs. Please sir not the boot. Please sir do not hit

Obviously I only told this to like. Two people. Because it's embarrassing. It's something you should be able to fucking control. And I couldn't, just all of a sudden, in front of this exec who thinks he's cool shit (he's like Elon Musk, but a boomer. Just the worst ideas. I tell you, being rich is a curse, you turn into an idiot).

That said, honestly, I don't blame anyone? This was my fault? And at the same time I'm deeply, deeply troubled. Because when I look back, I see the seeds of this collapse in my previous job--where I was starting to fall behind on work that shouldn't have given me trouble. I just couldn't keep on track or stay on target. I was starting to be late here... and there...

This is terrifying. Like this is mortally, deeply terrifying. I don't know if I can work. I truly don't know. My own brain has turned on me. I don't know if I'll be able to keep to deadlines or get to work on time. I truly don't. I truly truly don't. I'm too scattered, I'm spread too thin, I'm too needy, money's too tight, my needs are too many. There's too much going wrong. And I'm alone and I'm tired. I don't like this world or this country or this state. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm so tired of pretending I'm a human being for people who can IMMEDIATELY tell I'm a weird fucking mistake from another planet.

Right now I'm trying to think how I can minimize literally everything. Just sell as much as possible, keep only the most important things. It'll suck, it'll hurt, but...

all I want to do is write. I'm tired. I don't want to do anything else. I want my books and I want my computer and that's it. But I have to eat somehow, I have to find shelter SOMEHOW, I have to pay for things SOMEHOW.

I'm tired of hoping life will look up. I'm tired and I haven't been given any reason for why anything is worth THIS MUCH AGONY. All the things I need to do, I can't. All the things I want to do, I can't--because I'm hung up on the things I NEED to do.

Let's face it. i'm not good at adult shit. I've never been good at adult shit. I've only ever been good at going to school, really. And I don't really think I'd be good at that anymore. I can only do things now if I am deeply interested in them, and literally none of those things pay my bills.

I'm fucking doomed.

Fucking bye y'all

[b1mbodoll]

AAAAAAA OMG DO I HAVE A LONG ASS ASK FOR YOU. MY DATE/NOT DATE HAS JUST CONCLUDED....

So a little back story - I worked with this guy this past summer and like the first time we met I alr liked him. Like he was exactly my type. Like 100%. But I'm super shy (never dated anyone, never kissed anyone, never held hands with anyone) so I never really did anything obvious that I liked him bc I was nervous. We kind of flirted (maybe) a lot near the end of the summer. We texted a lot a lot but he ended up moving up to college for his apartment earlier than expected so we never got to see eachother after our last days of work. There was lots of drama on my end surrounding that trust. Like mental anguish bc I fumbled the bag hard.

Anyways. We start school respectively (I go to school in NY and him in TX) and we don't talk that often, just snap like everyday. But as the semester goes on we reply to each other's stories and have short, friendly convos more frequently. Flashforward to like, a week ago or something. I reply to his insta story and we start talking. He finds out that I'm going home for Thanksgiving and he is to so he asks me to hang out. This is odd bc we weren't close enough as friends for me to think that he would ask to see me.

Anyways again, I'm skipping details bc otherwise I'll never finish this lmao - the date/not date was like everything else we do. Vaguely romantic but could also be friendly. He picked me, we ate dinner and then went ice skating together. He walked up to my door to get me, held open doors for me, and opened the car door to walk me back to my house after we got back. But like - no moves were made. No attempts to hold my hand or kiss me. AT ALL. But like he also complimented my butterfly hair lips like sir 😭😭 idk what you want from me.

But now I'm feeling kind of tired of 6-7 months of not knowing where we stand with eachother. So I texted him afterwards saying "Thank you so much for tonight, I loved seeing you again! Although, I did want to know if it was a date or if it really was intended as just a hangout, bc it did seem like it sometimes? Either way, I'd love to meet up with you again if we're both in town!" He then liked bith of the thank you messages and replied, we definitely should. But then he replied to the daye/not date ask with - I don't know. I'll have to think about it. He then said something about it being more than he anticipated but still good, so idk if that means that it wasn't intended as a date but became one and he enjoyed it or if he meant it as a date but I fumbled the bag (I give just as many mixed signals bc I'm an anxious coward lmao) but it still ended up okay.

HOWEVER, I AM A GENIUS, LIKE RIZZ MASTER 1000. I accidentally left something in his car so tmmr morning he's gonna drive back to drop it off (It's like an hour round trip for him). And tomorrow is the day I will stop being a bitch. I'm gonna tell him that I'm interested but that I also do genuinely enjoy him as a person so like, however he intends to meet up with ne in the future I'll be okay with that.

So yeah. Story time over 🫶🫶🫶🫶 Sorry that it's actually so long but I remember how excited you were so I wanted to let you know how it went 💗💗💗💗

IM ON MY KNEES RN STOP u r so cute and agh!!!!!! i will be needing an update with whatever happens pretty please, honey 🤲

im so ☹️☹️☹️ u guys went ice skating ☹️ that’s so so so so fucking cute!!!!!! that actually is so cute my heart cant take it ໒꒰ྀིっ˕ -｡꒱ྀི১ but no moves being mad.. 🤬 yeah i need to have a stern talking to with this man!!! what r ur intentions with my little angel, you HEATHEN!!! hehe no but srsly dont be anxious sweetheart! i know its hard n way easier said than done, but you seem so wonderful and im sure he thinks that as well! im so glad you had a good time <3

rizz master 1000 has me crying omg ur too silly 😭 but him driving AN HOUR TO GIVE U UR THINGS STOP IT my little heart is so warm :( im proud of u for messaging him and asking for clarification about what the lil hangout was! n pls u r anything BUT a bitch!!!!! ur perfect and i hope things work out well with him!

dont apologize for he length! i love anything romance so inwas looking forward to this update!!!! wishing u the best of luck with him <3 mwah

[kulemii]

My being GAY experience story

OKAY so when i was 19 i had just moved back to my state from college- some shit had happened and i was returning to my old job where i used to work when i was 16. there was a lady there who was in her mid 30s. we'll call her K. K was very attractive to me but i never really acknowledged that i thought she was attractive because i didn't acknowledge that i was attracted to women. it was like 'i can see why gay women would be attracted to her but im not....not at all.'

K was very popular where we worked. Cool tempered (before her sous chef promotion). Personable. Friendly. Always smiling. Easy to get along with- it seemed. She drew a lot of people to her. When i was younger i noticed this but she seemed to kinda ignore me because i mean i was a kid ya know?

however, when i returned, she tackled me and gave me the biggest hug out of anyone. weird, because we didn't have a close relationship when i was there before. so i get my job back and it was like she was going out of her way to talk to me all the time but i didn't mind it- i really needed the friends. but over time i realized she would slip things in about her relationship status.

she was in a long term relationship

she used to be engaged

it's over now

she's single- not looking for anything

oh- cool! good, you should rush into anything if you're not ready for anything, K.

during that summer i was having trouble finding somewhere to stay, as i said i'd come back to my state from college (short notice) and my mom wasn't intending on putting me up long term. so i was looking to friends. at the time, K, was one offering to let me couch surf at her place. i was so grateful, dude. i didn't have a whole lot of options so i agreed. i was staying any and everywhere people would allow me to and that got me into a lot of trouble that year.. it got me hurt too. im in therapy now for some of it but i wont get into tonight but just know i've learned that not everyone is always as kind as they say they are.

i never initially gave K any indication that i wasn't straight. i'd only ever talked to her about guys. i was nice to her and sure, she would give me compliments, calling me 'beautiful' and i would accept them but i never thought they meant much of anything.

i started having issues with my mother and i took up drinking and partying that year. if there was a party, i was there. the place i worked, they partied like animals- they could afford to and the alcohol they serve was the good shit, shit i could never get my hands on otherwise so i tried showing up when i could.

at one of the parties, K took to 'looking after' me and i drank so much that my judgement was all out of whack.. i was completely fucked up and i wound up kissing her in front of one of my best friends at the time (not the girl i went to prom with- a different girl i dont talk to her anymore...she's weird.. after this happened she told me that she 'always thought she would be my first lesbian kiss'.... um, girl... chile, anyways so) and she just.... let me. then she took me too the bathroom and made out with me some more when i very clearly should've been prioritizing vomiting. annnnnnnnd someone we worked with caught us and suddenly the whole fucking party found out.

next thing you know, im getting a text from my ex who i denied dating because i was 29 and he was 17 and why did that even happen and he's grilling me like DID YOU MAKE OUT WITH K??????? ARE YOU GAY??????? (nigga since when did i owe you anything??? WHYYYYY DID I DATE MY COWORKERSSSSS???? WHY WAS I DATING HIM AS A MINOR?????? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!)

work for the next month or so is this weird minefield of navigating rumors or me being gay that aren't actually rumors because they're based on the fact that i made out with a woman and she's not helping me dispel anything. if anything she's playing into the rumor mill because i was the young thing that several people were pursuing but weren't successful and she 'got me' after one drunken night. and suddenly my reputation is ruined and i'm easy, oh and gay lol

and at the time, i saw her as a friend because she made me feel like she was on my side but now that i'm older i realize how much of this was so fucked up. she practically tried to force me out of the closet.

i remember crying to her several times telling her that i was straight and she was like, 'yeah.. but why would you kiss me tho?' BITCh urrghhh

THEN eventually, when i felt like, i had no choice but to just accept it. i was going to come out to my mom WHO WORKED WITH US. WHO SHE WOULD FLIRT WITH ME IN FRONT OF!!!!! i was pretty much trying to weigh all of my options and she was pretty much trying to tell me how i had to be gay. she was going to be the stud. i was going to be the femme. she was going to kick up her feet and i was going to spoil her and buy her shit. MIND YOU! I WAS 19 WORKING FRONT OF THE HOUSE AS A HOSTESS, BARISTA AND DINING ROOM ATTENDANT living from couch to couch!!!! meanwhile this bitch was 35 making bank as a whole entire fucking sous chef with her own place i----

NSFW AHEAD

and if anyone is curious, since i am telling this story i dont mind sharing the sordid details- we had sex ONE TIME and it was horrible. all she did was finger me and it was so uncomfortable. i just wanted it to be over. so i moaned a little loud and faked it like i would with a man and she got a swollen head about how she made me cum soooo hard and wouldn't shut the fuck up about it. and i'm just like ??????? damn so even women can't tell when we fake it? tragic lol. she couldn't fuck, but she was an amazing cuddler! i give her cuddling 100/10 stars🥰! no one has ever cuddled me that well again in my life which is saying alot.

anyway, my only experience being kinda openly gay irl was full of anxiety and a sprinkle of coaxing and intimidation 🥰 i never had a proper date with a woman. never had the whole, does this woman like me, is this gonna go somewhere? should we go out... thing. maybe i'll experience it someday but so far- nope!

[livingasaghost]

september was not great folks, but we're trying <3

in the saddest realization of the season i discovered that my favorite part of the day is my 40m drive to work because it's chilly and i can see a lot of trees and the morning light and i also am in the perfect headspace to listen to Good Music and it's like when i used to make my morning playlists for opening the coffeeshop except soooo much more enjoyable

been listening to lots of holly humberstone and NF's new album and justin vernon stuff (bon iver, BRM, etc) and unfortunately gracie abrams - there's just something about all these artists being like "I AM THE PROBLEM ITS ME IM SORRY" that just speaks to me! that's not concerning at all!

laura and i talked for like two hours last night and it was like old times and god i really do miss when we'd just ride the same bus home and i could walk to her house ):

i've been trying to make taylor's chai cookies for like a week and i realized i absolutely have time to make them today so i'm trying to buck up the energy to do that in the next two hours before i have to be a person and go to a photoshoot

"good day" by olivia barton

i'm trying to get back into crying in h mart because mom finished reading it and we're supposedly buddy reading it so we can discuss it but i haven't felt like reading all month because i've been depressed...but like damn cancer sucks guys

in other news, i think because i've had such a shitty brain month this september i've almost pushed myself so far that halloween season sounds really fun!!! i'm trying to work through my halloween hate bc i think it's kind of silly and all my friends love halloween so i should love it too! and like i wanna watch spooky movies and be chilly and have FUN! god!

i kinda forgot a vital piece of jennalore which is that when i was a kid my mom's college roommate used to send us frosted sugar cookies shaped like bats every halloween and it was actually kinda the best thing ever? so i'm trying to channel that energy this season

work is batshit insane and i'm so exhausted by it i literally slept for 11hrs on like wednesday night bc i was so tired but also......when we're busy i always feel like i'm actually Doing Something and my bosses are so happy with the work i do so like.....it's good even though it's bad!

therapy has actually been really really good? like it Sucks bc it's therapy and i hate talking about my feelings but my therapist is the sweetest NB person ever and they're always just like "uhhh that's emotional abuse my dude!" and i'm so fucking excited bc at the end of october they're gonna have saturday openings which means i can finally go talk to them in person and not on my lunch break in our tiny break room!!!! at this point i have to pretend like my coworker can't hear everything i say during therapy otherwise i'd go insane so i always leave my sessions being like ......did max hear that i'm aroace and i have depression and i might be neurodivergent??? idk!!!

which speaking of, even though max and i definitely aren't like friends by any sense of the word....we are also just like having a time together! it's wild i see him most out of all the people i know but i think we're both going a little insane from the workload and being Depressed so we just spend all day being kinda wacky and for whatever reason i've reached a point where i stopped having a filter with him so i just start talking about the most random shit and he's cool with it lol

i think i might maybe be a little lonely! idk! i've been struggling to figure out what i need or who to talk to and i generally just want to talk to like two or three of my friends or my gc and everyone's just busy ): but then when i have the chance to talk to anyone and i Sit Down to try to interact bc i know some people are probably around i just get a little overwhelmed idk make it make sense!!!

and i realized i don't have a lot of IRL friends anymore bc a lot of the ones i had from the coffeeshop are Not My Friend and the ones i met on instagram are also Not My Friend and the ones i used to live with are Not My Friend and so my list of people to hang with is teeny tiny and idek what i need or want anymore so it's just my brain screaming .

the most frustrating thing rn is that i know i'm in a bad mental place however i cannot distinguish what i need! but when someone asks me what i need i get this intense panic/dread and i spiral real bad and if anyone tries to be kind to me it makes me feel worse and so it's like....i'm stuck in this stand still where i can't get what i need but i don't know what i need so i just eat cereal, listen to music, and go to bed early!!!

i don't wanna watch anything, i still haven't finished this season of only murders, i need a DVD player bc i want to watch the director's commentary of hill house, there's a bunch of shows and movies coming out soon that i feel overwhelmed by at the moment and it's just like !!! this is all so unfair

and i need to make all these appointments like getting my oil changed and going to the doctor for my annual but i cannot bring myself to do those things but also like should i ask my doctor about medication for depression??? surely it isn't that serious but like maybe it is idk!!!!

the depression isn't as bad as it's been in the past (i think?) like i felt a lot more hopeless in 2017 and i think a lot of that is because i do have a support system and a therapist and a good paying job and things to look forward to but like i'm very aware that many days i do just feel that feeling of "everything is meaningless and nothing will bring me joy ever again" so it's like !!! idk!!!! maybe i'm gaslighting myself into thinking i'm not that bad when in actuality i am!!!

i've just been stuck in that space of middle limbo with all my "diagnoses" that i cannot rationally understand if i'm allowing myself to see myself the way i am? like i always felt like i wasn't depressed enough to be Depressed bc i'm not suicidal but like ??? that's silly !!! maybe i am Depressed!!!!! but i don't even know how to go about getting meds and what they would do and it's almost more overwhelming to think about that than to just be depressed ): bc i still am convinced a lot of it comes down to the heat and the lingering effects of summer

but now i'm thinking about 2021 when it was the bad times and i stopped working on creative stuff or literally any year from 2017-2020 when i just spent the early fall Not Creating and having a crisis that i'd never create again and it's like.............is that bc i'm always depressed around this time? it's comforting bc i know life is seasons and i will come back around to making things and doing my silly projects but it's just sort of making me wonder how it would be different if i tried to find a way to get meds ....like would that Fix Me....would that Solve the Problem....what if it doesn't! what if i'm not depressed enough for that!

(this is all just thoughts, i'm fine, etc, just haven't let myself fully think about the depression this month bc i don't think there's a solution rn i'm just trying to get through it)

anyway, "good day" by olivia barton

[bisluthq]

Hey, you might not remember this, but a few months ago, I sent in an ask about me and my best friend from high school and I growing apart since heading to college. I decided to send in another ask because how the situation has progressed is really weighing on me but it's not really something that I can get into with other people because...

1) it's not really their business

2) they know her and I would never want to say something that might create issues for her

3) I can talk to my mum about it😭

ANYWAY, I don't remember exactly what I had said to you in my last ask, but the brief run-down is

1) we met year 7. Became proper friends end of year 8. Became best friends year 9. Maintained that through year 10 (with some slight exceptions).

2) year 11 rolls around. Things are weird. I get upset. We talk about it over text. She basically tells me to get more out there. Fuckall changes. She texts me like a week or two later saying she "needs space" because she's gone through something traumatic and can't be a good friend to me right now. We stop hanging out but keep in minimal contact.

And I think that's where things had been at last time I sent through. Since then, we've broken contact completely. It was my doing. I was watching One Tree fucking Hill and they had an episode where Peyton and Brooke were growing distant and I felt a little targeted. I unadded her as a friend on snapchat, and removed her on instagram (those were our only forms of communication besides yk.. actually talking lmao).

Like an hour or two later she sent me this LONG message over instagram apologising. She said A LOT of stuff, but the gist of it was

She hadn’t been completely honest about why she "needed space" and that it did in fact have something to do with me (no shit)

That she had sabotaged things because she fears people will disappoint her otherwise (she specifically specified that she didn't think I would)

That she hadn't acknowledged these things until starting therapy (which is a WIN because the shit that girl has gone through...)

That I was an INCREDIBLE person, and a GREAT friend, and that she didn't expect me to forgive her for "stabbing me in the back after I'd been there for her so many times"

Then she ended the conversation by saying if i ever felt comfortable talking to her again that I could tell her shit that I couldn't say to other people

Since then we haven't spoken. The only class we have together is Maths (which was already the Worst but is now... the WORST), but I still see her a bit around school. The particularly upsetting way in which I see her is when I'm walking to my bus stop and she walks past without a second glance (which i can't exactly be pissed about. I actively try to avoid so much as making eye contact with her as much as possible). Or when I'm driving home and I see her alone, or with the other girls in that old friend group.

I have other friends that I really enjoy the company of, and I would LOVE to move past the whole thing, but I can't. I keep getting really sad/mad about it. It's really hard not to be. She was the closest friend I've ever had, and as much as this whole thing has distorted what used to be my perception of the situation, I know that was mutual (at least at some point).

We told each other shit we'd never told anyone else. We bonded over our eerily similar life-experiences. When something bad happened, I was the first person she called. When I started crying in the middle of lunch she was the person who comforted me. WE HAD THE SAME FUCKING BIRTHDAY (something she consistently forgot about, which would be a much bigger red flag if she didn't have the memory of a fucking gold fish).

Going from being That close to a person to not speaking to them is really hard, even if I can recognise it's for the best. I've always struggled with maintaining friendships, especially close ones (a mutual experience we discussed MANY times over the phone), so this is sort of a new experience for me. My mum compared it to a breakup of sorts which is... definitely accurate (I might’ve been the tiniest bit into her. She's hot and vaguely queer. Can you blame me?)

I'm not necessarily submitting this in the hopes of advise, since I'm fully aware there's basically fuckall I can do about it besides

A) talking to her (NO)

B) moving on

I just kind of needed to vent. But hey, if you DO have any advice, I would more than appreciate it.

(Also sorry for the long ask xx)

found it! Okay, listen to me: friend breakups suck absolute balls. They hurt more tbh than romantic breakups because when you're going through a romantic breakup, everyone is so lovely about it lol. My partner and I are taking a Break at the moment (which I have previously sworn never ever to do and just do clean breaks but that's what's going on lol because he wrecks my plans all the fucking time lmfao and I guess that's part of the problem) and like all my friends are super super nice about it and have let me come and cry and get all upset and shit lmao. But when you're going through a friend breakup, absolutely no one seems to understand - even though we've all been through one or two - and you can't talk to anyone because then you're just badmouthing that person and also you always have mutuals and it's all just... messy and horrible and shitty.

I do think in your case, you've got to just keep moving on and making new friends. Over time, it'll get easier. I know with my ex friends like... it really hurt at the time and it was hard and I tried to hold onto a couple dead friendships and resuscitate them a few times - make coffee plans or reach out and send them things I think would interest them or whatever - but like now I... actually still have both those girls on Insta and I don't feel sad about it anymore and I have no desire to talk to them, even though we all live in the same town. I am glad they're doing well seemingly and that's all I really think about them. But it took me a long time to get there.

It really, really sucks. I'm sorry I don't have any better advice for you. You've just gotta keep on moving on dude and making new friends and keeping busy. Start a new hobby, seek out new people, just... focus on you and like getting into a better space.

There's a chance you'll reconnect idk but I wouldn't count on it because as I say all my ex friends are very much just people that I used to know, including one who was like a sister/wife to me but it just wound up... not working out.

[ragamuffin-ponies]

I got these commissioned by DreamZ, one of my favorite artists. Please check out her art and engorge her to make more Rarijack content:

Hopefully that link works

This is about to get serious I think. At least as serious as I can get on my fucking Tumblr page called Ragamuffin Ponies 😭

A couple months ago I had an extremely intense anxiety attack because I couldn't find a good profile picture on my fucking discord. I wanted one that was Rainbow Dash but with short hair. I ended up using the following picture

This image was edited and uploaded anonymously to derpibooru. No artist is known. I used ai to upscale the image to HD, it was pretty low quality before.

Even looking at them not to check the sources I can feel my chest tighten. I'm still not sure why I got this way, but it was the catylist to find out why certain things like this have been meeting me feel so terrible for as long as I can remember.

I'm still figuring it out, but I think a lot of it can be chalked up to some sort of gender dysphoria. No I have not talked to my shrink about this yet. Shortly after graduating college I befriended a plethora of trans, nonbinary, or otherwise genderqueer/transexual individuals. It's crazy now quickly people you've never met in person can become such integral parts to your life. One of my favorite aspects of the human existence for sure. Anyway, hearing them talk about their trans experience, especially one of them in particular, I caught myself going "wow I was exactly the same way when I was a kid," or "I've thought the same thing all the time."

I used to be pretty transphobic, and although there is one specific person I've hurt dearly (who I have fully apologized and made up with all these years later) I never went out of my way to harass anyone because I wasn't evil like that, just wrong. I always told myself "yeah I'd rather be a girl but I can't do that because something something biology facts and logic". I have long hair and when I cut it I hated myself. It's not a suprise that when I shave my arms and legs I stop literally making myself sick and my sh desires go away by at least 60%. It's a lot of bullshit that I think most other people would have maybe all picked up on by now, but idk if anyone has.

Now, I'm not trans. There's definitely things I still like about being a guy I think. Genderfluid is a label that I think really fits me, but I'm NOT COMING OUT OKAY? For now I'm still cis. This is all very new we're talking a couple months. It's more like I'm questioning right now.

I really want to reach out to one or more of my trans friends for help, but I'm afraid where to start. Number one I don't want to just vent to them. I definitely don't want to say the wrong thing and trigger or insult them. But most of all I don't want to be a burden.

Also right now my brain wants to just stay in the closet forever. But that's worse than bisexuality, which I only need to hide from my parents and grandparents. With it being my actual gender idk how long I can keep the jig up. Lol I say that like they don't already know I'm bi and it's not just some big dumbass game. Completely by happenstance, I managed to explain what genderfluid was and naturally they were like "wow what kind of world are we living in" and it definitely visibly upset me but I don't think anyone noticed. I just went into my room quickly. And that was months ago, before I was even confident in my self-diagnosis (which again, I'm still not sure about. I might still be cis or I might be something else. No clue bro). So I don't ever tell my parents, okay, then what? I tell my brother? My girlfriend? My irl friends? My internet friends? Random strangers on Tumblr?? I settled on the last one for now. I still need to figure out what the fuck is even happening to me.

I'm glad this is happening when I'm in the safest, just emotionally sound, financially / mentally stable point I've been in in my life though. The timing is great because I can take as long as I want to figure this all out.

PS. I only haven't mentioned it to my gf yet bc idk how the hell she'd react, plus it's all still so new, both my emotions and our relationship. She is VERY gender nonconforming, very butch. Except she is completely cis gendered and straight as an arrow. Plus her being a gender enigma aside (and I am being very presumptuous when I say this) a lot of her friends seem homophobic, although she isn't. Obviously. Don't want to get too far into it bc I don't want to seem judgemental of people I haven't met but I've seen enough to make me already hate two of them maybe three. And that's just through social media and like three conversations. I might try to drop a few hints here and there, because I think if anyone should know it should be her, right?

PPS. I hate the genderfluid pride flag it fucking sucks and genuinely that might be on the cons list. Same reason I'm bisexual instead of pansexual even though I'm actually pansexual, the pansexual flag sucks and the bi flag rocks don't @ me

Anyway DMs are open if you want to help me the fuck out

[pntedstr]

(Preview)

UPON HIS RETURN

Pairings: Huang Renjun x Reader x Dong Sicheng

Tropes: College au

Genre: Fluff, Smut, Angst

Word Count: ???

Warnings: fighting, manipulation, cheating

Dear Renjun,

When did I lose you? If I knew where to find you, that's what I'd want to know. But no one will tell me where you are, and maybe no one really knows. I've asked your mother, and she says its best to move on and find someone who isn't as selfish as you. I think she's more bitter about your disappearance than I am. But I know she knows where you are. When you left I was worried—you hadn't responded to me in days or made an effort to contact me— eventually I found myself at your door step waiting for you to let me in but instead I was greeted by your mother. She seemed almost surprised to see me. When I asked her about you she muttered something about assuming you would've at least told me. She was upset that you left her to break the news. Maybe you didn't tell me because you didn't want me to follow you or convince you otherwise. Lord knows I would have followed you to the edge of the earth. I'm happy you didn't let me hold you back but sometimes it hurts like hell knowing that I couldn't.

"Fuck," you mutter out as a stray tear falls onto your paper, smearing the black ink.

Your head falls into your hands, fingers clutching the roots of hair like your life depended on it. Even though you were blinded by your own tears, you could hear them pad heavily onto the surface in front of you.

Each tear was filled with pain as you reopened the wound Renjun had left across your heart. Writing a letter was the dumbest form of closure you had ever heard of in your life, but it was the only thing you had. You had been trying for a good year to bring your letter to a close. However, you couldn't even make it past the beginning without sobbing. You once attempted to ignore the thought of Renjun and throw yourself into your studies, but even studying made you think of him.

Scoffing, you violently took the black-blotted paper into your fist and chucked it into the trash can beside your desk.

"Woah." Called a voice from behind you. "Crying over calculus again?" they teased.

You let out a deep sigh before stuffing your writing utensils in a near by drawer. "Stop it, I'm not in a joking mood right now, Sicheng."

"Poor baby, maybe some food will make you feel better."

A warm wave of savory food suddenly clouds your senses as your boyfriend sits beside you, plopping a brown paper bag on your desk where your letter once resided.

Sicheng’s playful smile quickly fades once he notices your red-rimmed eyes and frazzled hair. "What's wrong, sweetheart?" He asks with a look of concern as he takes your face into his large hands.

When you caught a glimpse of the worry hiding behind his irises, you wanted so badly to tell him the reason behind your tears but you couldn't.

"Nothing, calculus is just really hard." You lie.

Sicheng smiles warmly and let his hand fall from your face. "Well, lets take a break to eat and then I’ll help you with your work. Okay?"

You nearly shiver as his caring eyes bore into you. It always amazed you how he could be so loving. He treated you like you were the only person in the world; putting his own needs behind him to cater to you. Even before knowing you he put you before himself.

It had only been four months since Renjun disappeared and you were a complete mess. You hardly spoke to any of your friends anymore and you didn't go out unless it was to the library. That's where you met Sicheng. Everyday after your classes, you would quickly scurry off to the library to start studying, scared that if you didn't occupy yourself you'd think too much about Renjun. Sicheng was there each time as the librarians assistant, watching you throw yourself into your work.

He found himself sneaking glances at you far too often. But he was too shy to speak to you so he settled for loudly organizing books in the section closest to you. However, you still never noticed him. It wasn't until a month later, when you found that you and Sicheng were the only ones left in the Iibrary after you had fallen asleep while reading.

With blurry eyes and a strange taste on your tongue, you fished your phone out of your pocket. "1am?" you said to yourself, shock laced in your tired voice. Looking over, you noticed a boy organizing books in a nearby isle.

Sicheng felt your eyes on him. "You're awake." he said, putting away his final book.

Still slightly in a daze, you only nodded at him and began to pick up your items. "Why didn't you wake me?" You asked him softly, standing from your chair only to clumsily fall back into it.

He chuckled. "You seemed like you needed the rest."

You stared at him for a second, eyes searching his face for some kind of sign that he was lying. But you found nothing but warmth and kindness. The kind of warmth that made your stomach flip and your cheeks tingle.

"Thanks." You smiled. "What time does the library usually close?" You asked him, curious.

"Nine."

"Nine?! That can't be right; l usually stay here until eleven."

"I know," He agreed, "You always look super focused when you're studying so I just stay until you leave."

For the first time in months, you had genuinely smiled. "You know there's such thing as being too nice." Sicheng smiled softly, eyes focused on his feet.

That night Sicheng gave you a ride home, insisting that it was way too late for you to walk home alone. That ride consisted of the two of you picking up snacks from a convience store and laughing until the sun peaked. Neither you or Sicheng wanted to say goodnight but eventually you did, leaving him with a kiss on his cheek which quickly turned into a ten minute make-out session.

The next day you followed your regular schedule, attending your classes and rushing off to the library. Your mind was racing with thoughts of sicheng, wondering if he forgot about you or not. Your doubt was pushed away when you saw sicheng smiling brightly at you from across the library. The two of you found yourselves talking for hours., wondering if he forgot about you or not. Your doubt was pushed away when you saw sicheng smiling brightly at you from across the library. The two of you found yourselves talking for hours.

That went on for about a week, before you and Sicheng’s relationship crossed the line of being just friends. You often found yourself trapped underneath his body, trying to catch your breath as he brought you to a sweet release. Sicheng was a completely different person in bed, he was dominant and always kept you wondering what was next.

You can’t remember when you and Sicheng took on the title ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ but you weren't complaining. You were happy for the first time since Renjun left so you were fine with any label, as long as Sicheng was with you.

[desertofsnowflakes]

Incorrect Order Chapter 2 (Nessian AU)

A/N: DO inform me if you wanna be added/removed from the taglist! If you happen to find my storyline similar to another fic or one of yours, I'm extremely sorry, I might've just not known. All characters belong to the author Sarah J. Mass. Enjoy!

Summary: Don't first impressions always affect the way you see someone? Well, what more with the Nesta Archeron? Nesta meets Cassian at few unexpected places and to say it didn't go well was a major understatement. Certain circumstances make them become enemies to tolerable company to friends to lovers.

Trigger Warnings: Abuse and Swearing

1957 words | Part 1 | Read on AO3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cassian was waiting. And waiting. And waiting. He waited for the day he would forget the woman’s face. He waited for the day he could close his eyes without seeing her blue-grey eyes blazing in anger. He waited for the day he wouldn’t burn his bacon because he was thinking about her.

He had mused, how the face of a stranger was branded into his mind vividly. He would be lying if he said he hadn’t wondered if they’ve known each other before or have seen each other somewhere, anywhere before the day in the mall—even if on photographs or at an event or at another shopping mall. Still, he desperately wanted to forget about her. He wanted to forget that she ever existed. He wanted to forget their encounter in the mall that day. He wanted to forget everything about her, even though deep down, he knew what he wanted was far from forgetting her.

But he couldn’t afford this. He couldn’t afford to think about her at all times. He was getting distracted at work. His part-time job as a martial-arts instructor and as a sommelier was in a precarious position if it went on like this. He nearly tore one of his student’s muscles in his centre and got at least 5 orders wrong at the restaurant he was working at.

On a Saturday noon, Cassian decided the best way to clear his head was to dive into a war book or reread Secrets Of The Sommeliers for probably the millionth time.

* * *

Nesta flinched at the sudden ping of the oven timer. Again. She’d been thinking about him again. This was the fourth time in the whole week when she burned her cheese sandwich and she was getting so tired of this. She urgently needed a way to stop thinking about him. To stop seeing his insufferable grin whenever she closed her eyes. To stop thinking about him at almost all times.

It struck her as odd, the fact they didn’t even know each other’s names but she kept seeing his face as if they’ve known each other before. She gasped. What if they had known each other before? What if they were probably neighbours from Nesta’s old house or classmates or maybe they went to the same college. Nesta shook her head.

But why should she care? No, she doesn’t care. She doesn’t care what his name is or if he even has a name. She doesn’t care if she’s had the misfortune of seeing him before or if that was the first she’s seeing him. Or so she kept telling herself. She couldn’t afford to have him occupy her thoughts. She had better things to do. But all these excuses weren't enough to stop her from still thinking about him.

Nesta looked at her clock. It was a Saturday, almost noon. Maybe reading a spicy book or two will help.

* * *

Cassian loved the House of Wind library and bookstore. They had a variety of books in almost any genre. He'll admit though, that some of the librarians here are better left alone. He was lucky he came here often and therefore knew a handful of the merrier librarians. He made a beeline for his favourite section, books related to wine, best books for sommeliers.

On his way to the shelves he had committed to memory, he realised that there was a big poster about their annual Free Premium Membership Fest where 20 fortunate, early birds would get their membership card updated to premium with a number of privileges. Cassian's whole being was elevated. He missed the last fest they held and had been waiting for the next fest. He wondered how he could forget such an important thing. Oh. Right. Of course. A certain lady was occupying his thoughts. He sighed. He forgot about that too.

He was quite disappointed when he reached the counter. The fest started yesterday and the computer stated that there was only one person left till 20. What truly disappointed him was that Clotho wasn't at the counter as she usually was. Maybe she'll be in the—

“If you're done staring at the computer maybe you could deign to move so it can really serve its purpose of being a public property?” Cass froze. He'd know that voice anywhere. This was the voice taunting him at all times. “And if you have coffee in your hands, I'd suggest you turn slowly.”

He smirked. So she knew who she was talking to.

“Well, looks like the damage would be lesser this time since your clothes aren't white,” he observed.

“I figured black would hide stains caused by ogling, clumsy people better than white,” she said. “Now, if you could move, I want to register for the Membership Fest.”

“Register? What do you mean by ‘I want to register for the Membership Fest’?”

“A register, you know,” she teased, “Something like a form where you fill your details if you want to join something?” She smirked at his glare.

“Well,” he said, “if there is a register let me fill it first.”

“Because your ego is bigger?”

“Ha-ha, very funny,” he dead-panned. “I came here first.”

“Here as in the counter or the library? Because I’m pretty sure I stepped into this library first.”

Cassian quickly checked the database where the information of all members appeared. He turned back to her with a self-satisfied smirk. “The database shows otherwise, sweetheart.”

She scowled. “I don’t believe you. You might’ve tampered with the information.”

He moved slightly to the side to give her a better view. Her scowled deepened.

She rounded on him. “You,” seethed. “You did—”

“Hello,” a new, shy voice said.

“Hey, Gwyn,” they both said in symphony.

A look of surprise crossed over her features before it faded away. When the woman turned to Gwyn, she wore a huge smile. “Oh, look, she smiles,” he muttered, earning him a glare.

“Is the fest still on?” Cassian asked.

Gwyneth Berdara, one of the joyful librarians here, said, “Unfortunately, not. We just got our 20th member.”

Cassian’s face fell. He noticed the same of the woman too. Gwyn, always the optimistic one, said cheerfully, “Maybe we could reserve one for the both of you next year?”

They both murmured their assent before Gwyn offered her farewell and went back to the staffroom.

The woman turned back to him. “This is all your fault,” she hissed and stalked out of the library, leaving Cassian more confused than ever.

* * *

Nesta went to the library to find solace or at least a semblance of it. Seeing the man there, however, left Nesta more rattled than she would care to admit. Rattled, and angry. Angry at the universe for giving them these unfortunate encounters. Angry at him for following her wherever she went. Angry at herself for feeling such futile emotions. Angry at her body for reacting to him.

She was also upset that she didn’t get a free premium member cr

Nesta was so occupied with her thoughts and emotions that she didn’t realise she was taking the wrong route. She wasn’t familiar with this part of Velaris. She also didn’t realise she was being followed. It was distinct, the sound of hushed breathing, of the soft thuds of footfalls. The footsteps sounded heavier which most probably meant it was a man. She couldn’t really be sure, though. This was a person who was not experienced in stalking but was trying hard enough.

Nesta knew she shouldn’t panic but couldn’t help the bout of fear that crashed through her. Nesta tried to stay calm. She tried to make sure she didn't quicken her pace. She tried, cauldron, she really did. But her fear was slowly overpowering her senses. She felt the urge to run away from her stalker.

But that wouldn’t be wise. Running away from her stalker isn’t a good choice. It wasn’t smart. Who’s to know he wasn’t armed? What if he was faster than her? What if her stalker was faster than her? He might be stronger too. He could over power her and cage her in. She didn’t even know what his motive was.

Then, Nesta made a ridiculously huge, dumb mistake. She turned to an abandoned alley. At least it looked abandoned. She let out a frustrated breath. Running away was at least better than getting stuck in an alley. So much for ‘that wouldn't be wise’. She looked around, trying to get a sense of where she was or if there were any means of escape, however meager it might be.

Suddenly, she was slammed to the alley wall. The rough cold stone was unforgiving and unyielding under her cheek. Her windpipe was closed off and she was struggling to get some air in. She fought to get free but her captor —a man, as she guessed— was too strong. Somehow, his hands felt familiar to her. As if she were long acquainted with this person’s touch.

“What do you want?” she gasped out.

He chuckled, the sound grating through her very bones.

“My little Nesta,” he whispered, his hot breath ghosting the shell of her ear. “Ever the stubborn one.”

That voice. It was one that she couldn’t forget as hard as she tried. Tomas Mandray, her ex-boyfriend, was someone not easily forgotten.

“Tomas,” she said. She couldn’t bring herself to be nice. Not now, not after how he treated her. “What the fuck do you want? Let me go.”

“I see you haven’t changed at all.”

“I can say the same of you.”

“Mhm. You broke up with me and then you called the police. Got me stuck behind bars for two fucking months.”

“Good riddance,” she muttered.

He slammed her head against the wall. Hard. Blinding pain shot through her. He yanked her hair so hard she was afraid chunks of it came out. Her head only throbbed harder.

“Manners were never your cup of tea,” he hissed.

“You were not that kind either. You were an empowering, possessive bastard and I don’t regret watching you grovel to the police for freedom for one fucking moment and I won’t ever.”

He growled and slammed her head against the wall again. She cried out and was pretty sure she heard something crack. She felt the metallic tang of blood on her lips, streaming from her nose freely.

“Oh, you will. You’ll regret everything. Every. Single. Thing. For your whole god-damned life. I’ll make sure of it, bitch,” he promised.

He tightened his grip on her hair that sent another wave of agony through her. She caught the glint of something in the fading sunlight. A knife. Of course he had a knife.

He had a knife while she was a mess, kneeling on an alley, completely at the mercy of one of the people who hated her the most. Pathetic. So, so, pathetic. She hated herself for whimpering. She hated herself for being this weak. She hated that she had gotten panicked enough that she turned to an alley, where no one would know.

Here, in this unknown alley, with the person she hated the most, Nesta Archeron was going to die. She was going to die a death as unknown as the place she was in. Maybe even without her sisters knowing. Shit. Her sisters. If only she showed all her love to sweet Elain and brave Feyre, if only she even went to meet her brother-in-laws, Rhysand, Azriel and Cassian, maybe things would’ve been different. She closed her eyes, fighting the emotion in her throat. I’m sorry Elain, Feyre, Rhysand, Azriel and Cassian, I’m so, so sorry, was the last thing in her head before she felt acute pain and succumbed to the dragging talons of oblivion.

taglist:

@im-someone-i-guess @shadowsinger07 @saltyfortunes @cressjacquine @julian-blackthorn-supremacy @champanheandluxxury @zemiraa @ladygabrielli1997 @nehemikkele

[ming-yu-hao]

Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder | Chapter 2

Pairing: fratboy!mingyu x female reader, some wonwoo x reader

Word Count: 6k

Synopsis: When you transferred to a different university, you and Wonwoo promised that you would make long distance work. But distance proves to be more difficult than you both originally thought.

This Chapter’s Tags: cyber sex lol, angst, CHEATING, grinding, oral (female receiving and male receiving), fingering, mingyu is just sweet and it makes me sad, kinda fluff?

Warning: THIS SERIES IS ABOUT CHEATING. DO NOT READ IF IT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE!

A/N: i really self indulged on this one... man i just wanna fuck frat boy mingyu is that too much to ask... anyways PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK OF THIS CHAPTER I PUT A LOT MORE TIME INTO THIS ONE so feedback would be very appreciated <3

Chapters: Previous | Next | Masterlist

Sunlight peeked through your blinds the next morning, stirring you awake. You opened your eyes and snapped them shut again as the glare of the sun blinded you. Yawning, you reached for your phone and squinted at the pile of unread messages from Jisoo that had built up over the span of last night.

Jisoo: omg what u were here for like 2 seconds :(

Sent at 10:49 PM

Jisoo: i hope u feel better babe

Sent at 10:49 PM

Jisoo: wait

Sent at 10:50 PM

Jisoo: did something happen with wonwoo

Sent at 10:50 PM

Jisoo: i swear if he's mad at you for being a normal college student...

Sent at 10:50 PM

Jisoo: bitch answerrrrr :(

Sent at 10:53 PM

Jisoo: i'm staying the night somewhere i hope ur feeling okay <3 pls update me when u wake up

Sent at 12:06 AM

You laughed under your breath as you realized that it was 10 AM and Jisoo's side of the room still remained empty. From how last night was going, you could only assume that she was somewhere with Seungcheol. Classic Jisoo, you thought to yourself.

Just as you sat up in bed, your phone vibrated with another notification. You glanced down, expecting another text from Jisoo, but your eyes lit up as you saw Wonwoo's name on the screen instead.

Wonwoo: good morning :) do you wanna facetime?

Sent at 10:27 AM

Without replying, you quickly opened up your laptop and called Wonwoo. He answered after a few rings, his face filling the screen for the first time in a month.

"That was fast," He laughed. He must had just woken up because his voice always had a distinct rasp in the morning. His glasses also still rested on his nose and you could see his bare chest at the edge of the frame.

You smiled warmly. "I've missed you," you said, leaning closer to the camera.

"I missed you too," he gave you a toothless smile and ran a hand over his face. "I'm sorry I kept ditching you."

You shook your head. "No, it's okay. I understand."

You stared at him for a moment, neither of you speaking; you almost didn't know what to say. After all this time, you felt like you didn't know anything that was going on in his life anymore. It was tearing at you slowly. You were watching your own boyfriend become a stranger to you.

Luckily, Wonwoo broke the silence. "What are you doing?" He asked.

You shrugged. "I just woke up. I need to shower."

He raised his eyebrows at you suggestively and chuckled. "Oh?"

"Shut up," you rolled your eyes as you snickered. Wonwoo rested his arm behind his head and smirked at you.

"Can you blame me? I haven't been inside you in so long." He groaned. You felt your face burn at his bluntness. You looked down at your hands, and he must have noticed your embarrassment because he quickly asked, "Your roommate isn't there, right?"

"No," you replied, gazing back up at his face.

"Why're you so shy?" He grinned devilishly.

"I'm not," you protested. You began to toy with the bottom of the big tee shirt you were wearing.

Wonwoo sighed loudly. "I'm horny."

"I can tell." You replied with a chuckle. You slowly pulled the hem of your shirt up farther until your underwear could be seen. Wonwoo noticed this, biting his lip.

"Fuck," he breathed, "I miss your tight little pussy." Your skin heated up with each word he spoke. You watched as he removed his arm from behind his head; your mind instantly filled with images of him stroking himself. "Touch yourself for me." Wonwoo demanded.

Without a word, you leaned back against your pillows and slowly spread your legs for the camera. The wetness between your thighs was so intense at this point that your underwear was clinging to your folds.

Wonwoo let out a deep groan as he touched himself off camera. Your skin flushed even further as you watched his face contort in pleasure. "Take off your shirt," he muttered.

You obeyed, pulling the fabric over your head and leaving yourself mostly exposed. Your breasts bounced in view of the camera as you leaned forward and pulled your underwear down your legs. Wonwoo moaned, his head leaning back and exposing the veins in his neck. "Fuck, you're gonna make me cum already."

You giggled and leaned back against the pillows again, this time exposing your nude body to him. You dragged your hand down to your heat and began to run your fingers through your folds. You let out a whine at the long-awaited contact. Your other hand squeezed at your breast, stimulating your sensitive nipples.

"Shit," Wonwoo hissed, "If I was there I'd be fucking you so hard. Making you moan my name for everyone to hear." You felt yourself clench at his filthy words. You bit your lip and rubbed your clit in circles.

"Mmh, shit." You moaned. "I miss you so much. Miss feeling your cock inside me." You heard Wonwoo's breathing grow heavier on his end of the line. You could tell he was going to cum soon. You pushed two fingers inside you, desperate to release.

Curling and scissoring your fingers deep inside you, intense pleasure began to take over your body. You threw your head back and whined loudly as you felt your orgasm approach. "Wonwoo," you moaned.

Wonwoo let out a choked moan at the sound of you moaning his name. "Fu- I'm cumming," he stuttered as he finally released.

You continued to pump your fingers inside of you while Wonwoo started to slow his breathing again. "Cum, baby," he said. You brought your other hand down to your clit and rubbed it in figure eights. Your legs twitched with pleasure, your walls clenching and pulsing around your fingers.

You cried out as your orgasm finally washed over you, your head falling back against the pillows behind you. You kept your eyes closed for a few seconds as you basked in the pleasure. Your heavy breathing began to calm.

When you opened your eyes, you saw Wonwoo wiping his hand with a tissue. He glanced at you and smiled. "Now that," he whistled as he laid back down against his mattress, "was unbelievably hot."

Your cheeks burned and you reached for your shirt to pull back over your head. "We should do that more often," he said.

You laughed. "Maybe."

Wonwoo sat up after a moment. "What time is it?" He asked.

You glanced at the clock. "Almost 11."

He groaned in frustration. "Fuck, I have to go. I have a group study soon."

"Oh," you replied.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly as he rose out of bed. "I'll call you Saturday, okay? I love you." You nodded silently.

"I love you too," you said right as he ended the call.

And then you were left alone, with sweat sticking to your skin and your soaked underwear balled up next to you. You shut your laptop and sat in silence for a few moments, staring out the window as you felt disappointment settle over you.

That was the first time you had seen his face in a month. Hell, that was the first full conversation you two had shared in so long. And it was over as quickly as it had begun.

Anxiety coursed through your veins. Was that all you had become to your boyfriend now? Just a number that he could call when he wanted to get off? Were you no longer someone he confided in?

You shook yourself out of your worried thoughts. Finally, you stood and walked over to the bathroom, your legs still a little weak beneath you, and turned the shower water on.

You stared at yourself in the mirror while you waited for the water to heat up. Your mind flashed with images of last night—of Mingyu staring down at you, his lips nearly brushing against yours, and the sound of you moaning his name.

You had told yourself that it had only affected you because you missed Wonwoo. Then how were you still left feeling unsatisfied after what just happened between you two?

Things were not the same as they once were, you noted as you stepped under the stream of hot water.

When you walked into your digital media class on Tuesday morning, you were hyperaware of each little movement you made. You kept your gaze fixated on the ground and carefully trotted up the stairs until you reached the row you always sat in. Glancing up, you saw Mingyu through the corner of your eye, his attention captured by his phone.

The sound of you setting your bag down was enough to pull him away from his device and look over at you. You sat down and stared forward, refusing to make eye contact with him. Your face started to burn in embarrassment; you didn’t know how you were going to make it through this class.

“Hey, I’m sorry about Saturday,” he paused, “I was drinking and I didn’t know what I was doing.” He said, breaking the silence. You forced yourself to finally look at him. He was back in his usual state: clean, pushed back hair and muscles concealed by his hoodie. You could see genuine remorse in the shine of his eyes and in the slight pout of his lip.

You shook your head. “No, no. It’s okay. I’m not mad at you.” You reassured him. His troubled expression seemed to lighten up a bit at your words. He gave you a small smile and nodded his head.

“Good. Otherwise this class would’ve been a lot more awkward.” He chuckled and returned his attention to his phone.

You observed him for a minute, noticing the way he chewed on his bottom lip in concentration. Your body flushed again as you thought about his lips: how close they were to yours, the words they whispered to you, how you imagined they would feel against you skin. You tore your gaze away from Mingyu, your heart beating a little faster than before.

You needed to get a grip. There was no way you were going to make it through the rest of this semester if you spent every class getting flustered while reminiscing your half-asleep-wet-dream-fantasy of Mingyu.

Sighing and choosing to ignore the pressing thoughts in the back of your mind, you pulled out your laptop and buried yourself in your notes until the professor strolled into the room and began the lecture.

You managed to successfully ignore Mingyu’s presence for most of the class, despite him sitting only a few feet to your side. You were only reminded of his existence again when your professor announced: “We will be working on a project for the next week. Everybody needs a partner.”

You and Mingyu glanced at each other, as the two of you normally collaborated on assignments in class. He nodded and gave you a thumbs up before you returned your attention to the professor.

“You will write two articles on events or people in the community. For the first, one of you will write and the other will be responsible for photography. For the second, you switch.” He explained briefly.

The lecture came to an end a few minutes later, and the room instantly started buzzing with conversation as students stood up and scrambled to find partners. You turned to Mingyu and gave him a tight-lipped smile.

“I guess I should get your number so we can talk about the project?” Mingyu suggested, pulling out his phone.

“Uh... yeah, okay,” You replied awkwardly as you typed your number into his phone. You cursed yourself internally for letting this happen. This class used to be fun: you and Mingyu casually talked and exchanged answers and cracked jokes with each other and that was that. You didn’t know much about his life, and you didn’t need to. Hell, you didn’t even know he was part of a fraternity. But now that was all ruined. You couldn’t even look at him without feeling small and awkward. And all of this was to blame on some cheap alcohol and your stupid hormones.

You pulled yourself out of your thoughts as you handed Mingyu’s phone back to him. “So, do you have any ideas?” You prompted.

Mingyu’s face contorted as he thought for a moment. “Um, my frat’s doing some charity event this week,” he said. When you didn’t respond for a moment, he panicked and added, “I don’t know if it’s a good idea. We can just-“

“It’s perfect.” You cut him off, snickering at his uncertainty. “Since you know more about it, you can write that one, and I can come and take pictures.” Relief flooded his features and he let out a breath. “When is it?” You asked.

“Thursday.”

“I’ll see you there, then,” you smiled.

The next day passed quickly and before you knew it, the evening of the fundraiser had arrived. You and Mingyu had texted casually the past couple of days; he just gave you details on the fundraiser and tried to come up with an article idea for you.

You strolled through campus on that Thursday afternoon, wrapping your denim jacket around your torso a little tighter as a chilled breeze blew through the air. The brisk atmosphere of late autumn was finally starting to settle in. You quickened your pace, wanting to reach the university quad before you froze.

As you neared the quad, you could hear distant chatter and laughter. You rounded the corner and took in the view of the surprisingly large crowd that gathered near the booth the SVT frat had set up. They were having a raffle for a voucher for free textbooks. Whoever came up with the idea was genius; you couldn’t think of a better way to get broke college students to participate in something.

You walked up to the booth, camera bag in hand, and immediately recognized the boy sitting behind it. It was Seokmin. His eyes lit up as he saw your familiar face. “Hey! Y/N, right?” He greeted you. You told him yes and smiled before greeting him back.

“Do you know where Mingyu is?” You asked, scanning over your shoulder for the tall boy.

Seokmin squinted as he stood up and looked around the quad. “Uh, he was somewhere around here earlier.” He rolled his eyes and chuckled. “He’s probably off being an idiot.” You laughed and fiddled with the camera in your hands.

Just as you were about to ask if you could take a picture, someone shook your shoulders from behind. “Y/N! What are you doing here?” Jisoo bounced in front of you, Seungcheol by her side.

“Jisoo? I didn’t realize you were a member of the frat now?” You joked before holding up the camera. “I have to take pictures for a class project.” You explained.

Seungcheol wrapped his arm around Jisoo’s waist and said, “You can take a picture of us.” She agreed excitedly, already posing and smiling before you even pulled out the camera.

You stepped back and looked through the lens, making sure that the booth was visible in the background. “Okay, say cheese!” You said as you snapped the picture.

A pair of hands then poked you in your sides, causing you to yelp loudly and nearly drop the camera. You whipped your head around and saw Mingyu’s taunting face smirking down at you. “Hey, Y/N.”

“God, you scared me! You’re lucky I didn’t drop the camera.” You cried, playfully smacking him in the arm.

Mingyu held his hands up next to his face in defense. “Woah, sorry. My bad.” He chuckled. Jisoo and Seungcheol approached you two, butting in on your conversation.

“You know Mingyu?” Seungcheol asked, glancing between you two and raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah, we’re partners for a project.” Mingyu explained briefly while checking over his shoulder. He turned to you. “Let’s go take these pictures fast, yeah? It’s kinda cold.” Before you could even respond, he linked his arm with yours and walked you away from the booth and into the small crowd of students.

You furrowed your eyebrows and looked up at him. “We got out of there fast.” You noted.

Mingyu sighed. “Yeah, sorry. Cheol’s just weird about certain stuff.”

You were even more confused now. “What do you mean?”

“He just like- he tries to set me up with people all the time and I don’t want him the get the wrong idea of us.” He dismissed quickly before saying: “Why don’t you get some pictures of the people standing around here? Just take a few. We don’t need that many.”

“Oh... okay.” You responded hesitantly. You lifted the camera up again and snapped a couple more pictures of students conversing and walking up to the booth to buy raffle tickets. Mingyu stood next to you with his arms crossed over his chest, impatiently tapping his foot. He flashed you a relieved smile when you turned to him.

“All done?”

“We should be.” You replied while placing the camera back in the bag.

“Okay, we can go back to the house and work on the article together,” he said, “there’s gonna be some people from here hanging around there later but they shouldn’t be too loud.”

You agreed and began walking with him towards the SVT frat house. The sun was beginning to set now, and the air nipped at your exposed skin as the temperature continued to drop. You stared down at your shoes while you walked, your mind still fixating on Mingyu’s strange behavior.

Finally, you mustered up the courage to ask: “Are you okay?”

Mingyu’s eyes met with yours. Confusion overtook his features in response to your question. “Yeah?” He chuckled.

“Sorry,” you spoke, “you were just acting weird earlier.”

Mingyu sighed and stared ahead silently for a moment. “I don’t know,” he started, “I guess I just still feel bad about last weekend.”

Your heart fluttered in your chest as you revisited the memory once again.

“Sorry for bringing it up again. I know we should probably just move on already cause it wasn’t that big of a deal. I just... feel like I overstepped. So... I’m sorry.” He rambled.

You looked up at him again. “You don’t have to feel bad. I’m not mad at you.” You exhaled. “But you’re right... we should just move on.”

Mingyu gave you a small nod before changing the subject. “Did you figure out an article idea yet?”

You shook your head. “No, but it’ll be fine. There’s so much that goes on around campus.”

Your conversation slowly died out, but thankfully you arrived at the SVT frat shortly after. Mingyu opened the front door and allowed you to step through before walking in behind you and shutting it. The house was warm; you shivered as your skin adjusted to the change in temperature. You slipped your shoes off and stared at him expectantly, waiting for him to guide you through the house.

Mingyu led you to the dining room, crying out as he rounded the corner. “Seriously, Seungkwan?” He huffed.

A boy sat at the head of the table, textbooks sprawled across the surface. A few other people sat at the table with notebooks and laptops in front of them, watching Mingyu with confused expressions on their faces.

The boy—Seungkwan—stood up from his chair with his jaw dropped. “What do you mean ‘seriously, Seungkwan’?” He mocked Mingyu’s deep voice. “You know I have group study every Thursday!” He cried.

Mingyu rolled his eyes. “Whatever.” He responded.

Seungkwan sat back down and calmly resumed his studies as if nothing had happened. You assumed that this must be typical behavior between the two. Staring at Mingyu with wide eyes, he turned to you.

“Is it fine if we go work on it in my room?” He asked, his voice lowered.

You felt blood rush through your ears. You swallowed. “Yeah,” you exhaled.

Mingyu led you up the stairs and down the hall. When he opened the door to his room, you were surprised by how clean it was. Everything was organized neatly and the room smelled fresh.

You heard the door click shut behind you, and your heart started beating faster.

“We can just sit on the floor,” Mingyu spoke. His deep voice startled you a bit. You walked further into the room and sat down with your legs crossed, resting your back against his bed frame as you set the camera down next to you. Mingyu sat down, his knee only a few inches away from yours.

Reaching behind his head for the laptop sitting on his bed, he pulled it into his lap and opened up the article.

“I’m not completely done yet.” He smiled sheepishly while rubbing the back of his neck.

“It’s fine. You’re farther than I am.” You reassured him while you took the camera out of the bag again.

He laughed, “That’s true.” You placed the camera in his hands. “Alright, let me just get these pictures pulled up on here.”

You nodded and looked down as you played with your hands. You began to wonder what Wonwoo would think if he knew that you were in some other guy’s room right now.

You frowned and pulled your phone out of your pocket. You opened up your messages and went to send a text to Wonwoo when you realized that the message you had sent him last night was still unread. A dark, heavy feeling settled over your chest. Why did he act as if you didn’t exist anymore? Why would he suggest doing long distance when he couldn’t even commit to it?

You shut your phone off and set it on the floor next to you, staring forward. You exhaled, trying to stop the tightness growing in your throat.

Mingyu was leaned over his computer, his lips pursed in concentration. The definition of his triceps was visible through his sweatshirt. “These pictures actually didn’t turn out too horrible.” He said after a few moments of silence.

You laughed and playfully hit his shoulder. “Shut up.”

He brought his gaze to meet yours, a teasing smile on his lips. “No, they’re actually good.”

“Thanks,” you squeaked, the intensity of his gaze making you nervous. You felt blood rush through your veins. You broke eye contact, glancing down at his nose, and then at his lips that were parted slightly. You quickly looked up to his eyes again, but now they held a knowing look in them. He knew exactly what thoughts were going through your mind.

You inched closer to him, your breath getting caught in your throat as you noticed him bringing his face closer to yours. Your heart raced as you fluttered your eyes shut. His lips brushed against yours and you leaned closer, but then you felt him pull away.

“Do you really have a boyfriend?” He asked.

You sighed, opening your eyes slowly and looking into his concerned ones again. You pressed your lips into a line and looked down shamefully.

“I do,” you admitted. That tight feeling in your throat began to come back. Mingyu was silent. “I’m sorry.”

As you spoke your voice cracked and tears began to spill from your eyes. You felt Mingyu’s warm, soft skin caress your cheeks, holding your face in his hands. You looked up at him with teary eyes.

“Hey. Shhh, don’t cry.” He whispered. His brows were furrowed in concern as he ran his thumb over your cheek. “You can talk to me about it. I’ll listen.”

God, how you hated that he knew exactly what to do and what to say. You hated that he was giving you everything you had craved the past two months without even realizing it. You hated how he made it so easy to confide in him when you had a boyfriend that was supposed to be there for you instead—a boyfriend that was becoming a stranger to you.

You closed your eyes, causing more tears to fall down your face. “I’m sorry,” you said again, your voice a broken whisper.

You inhaled a shaky breath. “We’re long distance. But he barely talks to me anymore.” You explained. You brought your hand up to hold the wrist that was still caressing your face. “I just feel so alone. It feels like he’s given up on me.”

Mingyu was silent. The only audible sound in the room was your uneven breathing.

“I’m sorry,” he finally said, “you deserve better than that.”

You felt your heart flutter in your chest at his sweet words.

“What do you want?” He questioned.

You opened your eyes. You were no longer crying, but your face was still wet with tears. Mingyu was staring at you with that same concerned look: eyebrows furrowed, eyes wide and conflicted, lips slightly parted.

“I just want someone to care.” You muttered.

He brought his face closer to yours again. His tongue darted out to lick his lips, and his eyes were half shut as he whispered: “I can take care of you.”

Your breath hitched.

“Do you want that?” He asked.

“Yes.”

Mingyu finally brought his lips to yours, kissing you hard and passionately. He left slow, open-mouthed kisses against your lips. The hand on your face gently squeezed, puckering out your lips as he continued to kiss them.

You brought your hands up to his hair, running your fingers through his soft locks as he pulled you into his lap. Your hips rested on top of his, straddling him, and you felt his tongue dart out against your lips. You parted your lips, allowing him to slip his tongue into your mouth and deepen the kiss.

You ground your core into his lap, feeling his length begin to harden beneath the fabric of his jeans. He groaned into your mouth as you continued to move your hips back and forth.

This is all that you had wanted: someone to care for you, to touch you, to pay attention to you and make you feel wanted.

Mingyu brought both of his hands down to your hips, pushing you down against him as he lifted his hips up towards you. “Let me make you feel good,” he muttered against your lips.

You exhaled shakily, feeling the growing wetness between your legs. “Okay,” you whispered.

He placed his hands on your ass, roughly squeezing the soft flesh between his hands. You circled your hips again, letting out a quiet moan as his hard cock brushed against your clothed clit.

He pulled his lips away from yours. “Stand up,” he said quickly. You obeyed, peeled yourself off of him, and stood expectantly as he stood up from the floor himself. You could see the outline of his cock in his jeans as he rose. He towered over you now, making you feel small beneath him. He pushed your jacket off your shoulders, letting it fall to the floor, and his fingers played with the hem of your shirt.

“Can I take this off?” He whispered into your ear. You nodded silently and he pressed a soft kiss beneath your ear. He lifted the fabric up, pulling it over your head and exposing your body to him. His hands brushed against your waist, making goosebumps form on your skin. “Lay down,” he demanded.

You sat down at the edge of his mattress and laid on your back, bunching your legs up at the edge of the bed. He leaned over your body, caging you in by resting both of his forearms on either side of you, and placed another kiss to your lips. Just as he began to kiss down to your neck, he pressed his hardness against your center. You let out a whimper at the contact.

He nibbled and sucked at the soft skin of your neck, causing your entire body to tingle. You leaned your head back, exposing more of your neck to him, and your eyes rolled back into your head at the pleasure.

“Mingyu,” you whimpered. He pressed his clothed length against you again.

“Fuck,” he hissed. He placed more open-mouthed kisses against your neck as he ran one of his hands down your stomach. He brought his hand up again and squeezed your breast through your bra.

He pulled away from your neck, looking down hungrily at your chest. You noticed this and complied to his wishes by arching your back against the bed. He brought his hands behind you, unhooking your bra before pulling it off of you slowly. He exhaled as he stared at your bare chest.

“You’re so beautiful,” he said. You felt heat rush to your face at the compliment. Before you could say anything, he brought his mouth down to your breast, sucking and flicking his tongue against your hardened nipple. You gasped. At this point you were so turned on you were sure that your arousal had already soaked through your leggings. He squeezed your other breast with his hand, and you arched your back again as you moaned.

Mingyu pushed himself up, staring into your eyes with his lust-filled ones. He kept eye contact with you as he pulled away, nearing your core. His fingers slipped under the waistband of your leggings. He looked to you for approval, and you nodded your head rapidly.

He tugged your pants down quickly and slid them off your legs, leaving you in only your underwear. He could see the wet spot on the fabric; he brought his fingers to the cloth and pressed it against your clit. Your legs twitched and you gasped quietly.

Mingyu chuckled. “Shit, you’re so fucking wet for me.” He licked his lips, and you could see the pride in his gaze as he slipped his fingers beneath your underwear and pulled them down your legs.

He brought his face close to your center, smirking before finally bringing his tongue to you and licking a strip up to your clit.

You let out a choked moan and your legs shut naturally, but Mingyu placed both of his hands on your knees and spread you open for him again. He placed a soft kiss on your clit before sucking on it harshly. Your hips jerked up and you cried out.

He looked up at your from between your thighs, an alarmed look on his face. “You have to be quiet, baby. There’s people downstairs.” He went back to sucking on your clit right after.

You pressed your lips together, trying to contain your moans, and they came out as heavy pants and muffled whimpers instead.

Mingyu brought his fingers to your core, teasing your entrance. He flicked his tongue against your clit as he pushed a finger into you and curled it deep inside you. You arched your back and cried out, “Fuck!”

As the pleasure continued to grow, you brought your hands down to his hair again, tugging each time he pumped and curled his finger in you. He moaned against your core, the vibrations making your eyes roll back into your head.

He pushed in another finger, scissoring them deep inside you. You could hear the filthy sounds of his fingers pumping into your wetness.

“M-Mingyu,” you moaned. “I’m gonna cum.”

He smirked against your core before resuming his ministrations of his tongue against your clit. He pumped his fingers into you faster and curled them with each thrust.

The pressure in your lower stomach was growing fast. Your legs began to shake as the pleasure built, and when Mingyu pushed his fingers deep into your core, you felt the knot snap.

You threw your head back as intense pleasure washed over your entire body. Your legs convulsed and you couldn’t hold back a particularly loud moan. Mingyu continued to pump his fingers into you slowly as you rode out your orgasm.

When the pleasure subsided, he pulled his fingers out of you, keeping eye contact with you as he placed them in his mouth and sucked them clean. The sight was so dirty that you whimpered softly. He leaned over you again, kissing you one last time, allowing you to taste yourself.

He rolled over, laying next to you on the bed and staring up at the ceiling. “How was that?” He asked.

“Good,” you breathed, “really fucking good.”

He chuckled under his breath. “I’m glad I could help.”

You sat up, glancing at the obvious boner that still strained against his jeans. “What about you?” You prompted.

“I’m fine. It’ll go away.” He dismissed, throwing an arm over his eyes. “Just lay down with me.”

You bit your lip, thinking for a moment before palming him through his jeans. “But I wanna make you feel good. It’s only fair.”

He hissed at the contact, his hips jerking up a bit. “Shit,” he muttered, removing his arm and placing it behind his head.

He watched you with half-lidded eyes as you fumbled with the button of his pants. You pulled them down, reaching your hand into his boxers and pulling out his cock. It was big. Really big. You were honestly worried if you were going to be able to fit it in your mouth. You stared at it for a moment, wide-eyed.

Mingyu looked down at you and giggled. “Well? Do something.”

You pumped your hand up his shaft, swiping over the tip and collecting the pre-cum that was leaking out. You pumped him a few times before situating yourself between his legs and bringing your lips down to his tip.

You rubbed your lips against his leaking head of his cock before pressing a soft kiss to it. Finally, you wrapped your mouth around him and sucked on the head. He groaned and lightly jerked his hips up, forcing more of his cock into your mouth. You glanced up at him while you continued to suck, pushing more of him into your mouth.

He stared back at you with his mouth hung open. “Fuck. ‘M so hard.” He moaned before leaning his head back against the mattress. “I’m not gonna last long.”

You swirled your tongue around him while he was in your mouth. Then you pushed your head down further, taking him deep into your throat. You struggled to inhale through your nose, almost choking on his dick.

You pulled yourself off him, catching your breath, and continued to pump his length. You brought your head back and sucked him into your mouth, using your hand to stroke whatever you couldn’t fit in your mouth.

Mingyu was panting and jerking his hips up each time you swirled your tongue around his tip. You looked up and saw his head thrown back, the veins in his neck prominent as he clenched his teeth. He hit the back of your throat and you moaned against him, the vibrations causing him to gasp.

“Fuck! Fuck, I’m cumming.” He cried. You kept him in your mouth as the strings of hot liquid met your tongue.

You kept sucking on his length until you swallowed around him. You pulled yourself off his cock with a pop and stuck out your tongue to show him that you swallowed everything.

He pushed his softening cock back into his boxers and motioned for you to come up next to him. “Let’s lay down.”

You laid down on his chest and he pulled a blanket up to cover your nude body. You closed your eyes and listened to the softness of his breathing and the faint beat of his heart beneath his ribs.

“Shouldn’t we work on the project?” You asked after a few moments.

“No, it’s fine. Let’s just rest for a minute.” He said, running a hand gently down your back. You leaned into his soft touch.

The two of you laid in a comfortable silence, just basking in the calmness and in each other’s warm presence.

“Mingyu?” You broke the silence, looking up at him.

“Hm?” He hummed, meeting your eyes.

“Thank you.”

[its-toasted]

Btw listen to Amphetamine by Smino or just Blkswn entirely

One of the bullshit joints about Asian culture is that unless you're deformed or dying you're probably not gonna get diagnosed. At least around here, when you're still in school, living with parents.

I'm half Korean and Chinese and I've seen it plenty. In my family, in other families, in the macro-community sense for sure -- the unmistakable culture of sweeping things under the rug if it's gonna make people uncomfortable. If people think they don’t know how to talk about it. Maybe this isn't even Asian, maybe it's just bougie, or human, but it's definitely amplified in this culture that's so rooted in shame.

It goes beyond the generation gap, or an aversion to tackling tough topics, like it's part of the culture. It's a real-ass phenomenon, just what people do. And that's sooo not me, which was funny, like growing up I wanted to talk about everything with everyone. I was kinda aight. And I got by without going crazy because I have a brother one year older than me who gets everything, you know? Who sees what I see, which is often all you need as a kid. Plus a good internet connection.

I've had ADHD my entire life. It's just wrong to say otherwise. But I wasn't convinced for a long time because when I absolutely need to focus, I'm bulletproof. But if I don't need to, I'm not going to. Like if I can blow this off I probably will. I'm wired weird. It's not crippling, but it's bad, but I've always gotten by. I see it manifest and trip me up every day. And I know it's not weed because this is how I've always been.

My mind just doesn't stay present well. It's always on a walk in the park. I procrastinate mostly everything until there's just enough time to be clutch. There's a clear lack of an ability to remain focused unless I'm about to get clapped. The way I stay digitally and mentally organized is not very organized. No matter what kind of writing I'm doing, I produce it an illogical order. I have a bad memory even for the people and things I care so much about. When I drive or shower and think up a thought I want to keep, it's probably gone in 10 seconds. Gone as in gone. Until hours or months later it comes back like a fucking boomerang I'd already thrown away the box for. Also I fidget. The business of my restless leg syndrome been booming this entire post. This entire morning. Every day.

As I write this out it's kinda crumbling in my hands tbh. Like maybe I have been better off not being hooked on amphetamines my whole life. I was taking it daily in college for some time and only stopped because I was in love for a whole summer. Maybe I should be thanking ma and pops for that, the silver lining of all this sweepage, because I know how easy it is for me to start moving like an addict.

But something like therapy, or counseling, or medication for anxiety has always been out of the question. At least not anymore. The one time I mentioned it growing up ma laughed. My favorite and least favorite laughs are her’s. And that was whack but I get it. Being able to care for mental health is a luxury my parents couldn't afford. And certainly not their parents before them. And it shows. Roasted. Sorry. This post started out as a rant on procrastination I swear

[splitcycle]

So even though I love how strive plays and the slower pace helps me visualize what I want to do and act on it, I still really love Xrd.

My first fighting game was technically BBTag and I didn't really enjoy it because of me getting into it so late after launch, and the community that you encounter in-game generally not being very open to helping new players. I ran into a lot of people who had 13,000 wins clocked in the dedicated newbie lobbies and it was like "If these are the new players what hope do I have?" Even looking online in places like youtube didn't really yield a lot of helpful information, and the BBTag tutorial didn't teach me a lot of fighting game fundamentals and universal mechanics.

After that I hadn't. . . Given up on fighting games per se, but the next one I picked up I was leery of trying because I only got it as part of a humble bundle. That game was UNIEL and I couldn't really play it online with anyone I know, and the servers on pc seemed pretty dead.

A couple months later I picked up Guilty Gear Xrd Rev2 on a steam sale for 80% off and started with the tutorial. Thus far I hadn't learned anything meaningful from other games' tutorials, but I attribute that mostly to BBTag focusing on teaching character specific mechanics and assuming you already know all the basic fighting game mechanics from the start. Hit confirms, option selects, meaties, okizeme, how to start pressure, how to get Out of pressure, it really just teaches you the buttons and that mashing a single attack button combos for you and says "okay now go play."

I didn't bother playing UNIEL after I booted it up the first time because everyone who played it had already moved on to UNICLR and I didn't wanna wreck my muscle memory before I even got there.

Later I discovered that the in-birth tutorials feel like sitting through a community college lecture more than playing a game but by then I knew how to play games at a basic level already.

Xrd's tutorial is really well put-together and teaches you about Gatlings and Links, and how to actually do things instead of just what the buttons are called, and then tossing you in the deep end before you can dog-paddle. Once it makes sure you understand the basic concepts like how to run, how to attack, and how to airdash, it teaches you how to use momentum from running, how gatlings work, and how to actually sort of Fight. You won't be going to brackets any time soon or anything but you roughly understand how to play.

And then it lets you go. It says, "Okay, I've taught you how to play. Fight Jack-O and then you're free to go use what you've learned in a match." And you finish that match and go to play and you still get stomped. You realize you need to improve but don't know how, and you may or may not be sure of what the enemy just did to you.

But here's the kicker: unlike BBTag, where the tutorial doesn't teach concepts and the community playing will silently pubstomp you for a long time, Xrd has given you the tools to figure out what's happening to you. You get destroyed, but when you do you either see what you did wrong and can try to do better next time, or you get irritated because you can't figure it out and look into what's irritating you.

This leads you to Mission mode. Mission mode is a sort of secondary tutorial that a lot of games have but Xrd uses it really well to teach you increasingly complicated ideas at a pace you can handle. First I struggled with timing midairs and anti-airs. The game has missions for that that teach you how to do them with Sol.

Then I noticed a lot of other players were seeming to hit me before I was actually able to do anything and I was still knocked down. I went into mission mode and learned that not only does that have a name, but it's an intended mechanic that has counter options to learn. The game taught me what a meaty was and then it taught me how to use it and how to avoid it.

I struggled with me knocking down players and going in to set up an attack for wakeup abd would get grabbed or anti-aired depending, and they seemed to react faster than I thought was humanly possible. I went back to mission mode and was taught about Option Selects and how to use them and how to beat them.

It went down the line. Tick throws, dead angles, reversals, proper times to roman cancel, bursts, spacing, how to get around projectiles. Every time I struggled to learn by doing I'd mosey on over to mission mode and it would have a very short, succinct lesson just for me about how this thing I didn't get works. It explained what needed doing in two to three sentences, had a small sample video, and then it just let me sit down and fucking grind until I figured it out, and then grind some more until I could do it reliably.

If I didn't understand a concept in the universal mechanics mission mode was great but what about character-specific stuff? How are you supposed to figure out that sort of thing? What about characters with really subtle mechanics? Combo mode teaches you that.

Not only does the combo mode teach you basic combos with clear samples that display what you have to do on the stick, it teaches you every move the character has, including normals, command normals, and specials and then as new special mechanics come up that can't be taught with only an input video they pop up a little text box like, "Hey did you know that if you backdash as Slayer and then jump forward it cancels the dash but saves your invulnerability from his special dash? Did you know that if you backdash cancel and then do a special it transfers the i-frames from the dash into that move? Try it out." And then gives you an example situation where BDC will allow you to stuff an attack you otherwise couldn't.

You can't try the advanced combos until you can do all the basic ones at least once, which is a little irritating, but it constrains you to a smaller set of things to learn, and that's important even if you get impatient. If you can't handle the base mechanics then you'll just frustrate yourself when you decide to skip ahead. Having the advanced list not even visible really means that your checklist of mechanics and specific ways to make them interact is more manageable, in your head.

The game sadly doesn't offer the precise frame data in the game for your own study, but Dustloop Wiki is very helpful for that and they'll help teach you the combos that the game doesn't. When the sample and the explanation wasn't enough I went to the community and while you can't talk to them mid-game you can usually chat in lobbies and they have a lot of people and websites dedicated to giving you the knowledge and tools to improve.

Xrd just give you lots of tools to work with and the community does a lot of good for new players by offering lots of useful info to learn with.

Also I think it's really funny faust went from looking like this

To this

And everyone sorta just went "Yeah that's on-brand."

[londonfog-chan]

Abbacchi x Reader: Sudoh Buck AU

The coffee shop Abbacchio THIRST everyone keeps losing their collective shit over on AO3 and admittedly the chapter where I decided I was one thirsty ass bitch. All characters aged up.

...

"Ok, fucking Darth Vader over here, whoever has their headset on turn it the fuck off! Sounds like you're doing something gross!"

Darth Vader is an understatement. Whenever someone leaves their headset on and does any task, your ears are assaulted with what sounds like some mouth breather huffing directly into your ear canal.

Not even two shifts into Passione and you're already showing your coworkers that you have the capacity to look innocent, but have the mouth of a sailor. In a fitting turn of events you've been put on customer support, free to fuck off wherever you wish and cuss all you want on the headset. No one at your store appreciates your humor, in fact any time you make a joke they conveniently pretend they don't hear you or they grimace until the situation becomes awkward and you have to shut your mouth before you make an even bigger ass of yourself. Here at this location, the boys eat it up with a spoon. They can't get enough of your jokes, encouraging you whenever they force a headset on your head the minute you clock in. Even the new girl Trish, a pretty thing with dyed pink hair and a smile that goes for miles, joins in on the never ending train of dirty jokes, profanities, and general riff raff that makes Bruno bitch at everyone involved like a single mother.

But at the moment, the breathing most certainly does not belong to Bruno. Usually he's the one who always casually reminds people when they leave their headsets on.

"Mista!" you growl, "Turn it off or breathe less!"

"It's not me." he insists, the beep of the warming oven being cut off as he mutes himself.

"Narancia, I love you but I don't need to hear what it's like for you to get laid!"

"Negative babe~... I'm on drive bar." Narancia replies.

"Trish?"

"Not me hunty." she answers, and the sound of the wind in her headset confirms this.

"Fugo, I swear to fuck-..."

"It's me. Fugo doesn't have a headset."

Immediately you press on the sprayer head a little too hard and the back splash soaks the entire front of your apron and your uniform shirt. The voice you're greeted with on the headset is totally foreign, and unmistakably sexy. A low hum, almost like Bruno's baritone, and much like the rest of the crew you've come to love it's colored with the slightest hue of an accent that makes your knees start to knock together. Admittedly you're bad with voices and just as worse with names. You can't put a face to this voice no matter how hard you try, and it's no wonder considering that out of all the stores in the district, Passione has more employees than any of them, including H. Green and S. Platinum locations which are always overstaffed because of the sheer amount of business compared to the meager crowds you get at Ogre Street.

But... With that voice... if you were a customer you'd fucking live at that drive thru just to hear him read back your order to you.

"Woah..." you're nearly moaning the words "I'm wet in more ways than one, who the fuck is this?"

"It's Leone." he replies, voice low and sultry, "Sorry about that, I was eating a bagel."

Leone... who the fuck is Leone? Surely he has to be one of the other baristas whose names you never bothered to learn... doesn't really matter to you when you have constant attention of the store's man candy. But suddenly this is a whole new person with the sexiest voice you've ever heard giving you attention like everyone else. For very obvious reasons, this piques your interest.

"I don't recognize your voice." you said, putting down the whisk you were rinsing. "What's your last name?"

"Abbacchio." he responds. "We haven't met face to face yet, but I've seen you before. You're the beanie from Ogre Street right? It's nice to finally talk to you. I think you're really pretty."

... Oh sweet baby Jesus why aren't you taking the wheel yet!?

"Aww, and aren't you just a sweetheart?" you murmur, leaning over the sink as your voice drops to a near whisper. "Wait... Aren't you the one with the pretty handwriting in the book?"

His chuckle makes you honest to god swoon, and even Bruno peeks his head in to check on you when you make that kind of a noise.

"Yes, that's me." he confirms. "And you're the one with the great customer service. I haven't gotten a chance to talk to you, but I've been listening for a while. I really like your attitude. You're much more fun than your coworkers."

“Really?" you ask, taking up more dirty dishes, "Big shocker there, I'm surprised no one at this store is drooling over Ogre Street's heartthrob one miss Kimmy."

"Meh. I think the consensus is that you're the favorite barista out of everyone from your store if we're being honest."

That's Narancia, and even Abbacchio agrees with the rest of the crew. They all start complimenting you, how you never ask stupid questions, you try to help out any way you can. They honestly can't go two minutes without berating the other coworkers. It's all things you'd normally do to try and be helpful, but you're not sure exactly why it's so endearing to all of them. You're just another barista? It's never mattered to anyone this much before. Especially when you always come home in tears at your other location. It must be that you're not used to receiving compliments in such abundance.

"Agreed." reaffirms Abbacchio. "You're really agreeable, and I like your jokes. Your laugh is really sexy."

"Well aren't you a flatterer." you smile, putting the dishes to soak in the sani solution before throwing them for another go in the dish washer. "But I like having my ego stroked. Tell me more about how I'm wonderful, Abbacchio."

You can tell he's about to reply, until you hear the mournful "ding" from the drive thru sensors indicate that someone wants to order. You hear him tell you "hold that thought" before he turns his charms the customer.

"Hello there..." he purrs into the headset, "Welcome to Sudoh Buck, what can I get started for you today?"

The customer murmurs an "oh wow" before she remembers why she came here in the first place.

"Um yes hi can I please get a..."

It doesn't take much for you to zone out and return to your task. As soon as you finish up this set of dishes, you'll be able to take your last ten before you go home for the day. Customer Support is one of those coveted positions because you have little to no interactions with customers at a busy store. Bruno sets you to work with a task list, you work to the limit on the timer on your apron. Whenever it goes off, you have to drop what you're doing and come back to front to brew coffee. If anyone needs anything, like if Mista runs out of warming bags or Narancia needs more cups or milk, all they have to do is press the button on the headset and set you forth to do their bidding. Admittedly, you don't find yourself going straight home anymore. Even your brother, stoic and nonchalant, makes comments about it whenever you come home an hour or two later than the time you're supposed to. Mom, well, she's a worrier, and thinks you're getting up to no good shenanigans. But let's be real, when you live in the house you live in any trysts with potential suitors goes out the window. Your brother is in college and his schedule is unpredictable, and your mom is a homemaker.

The minute Abbacchio tells the flustered woman to pull up to the window, he returns to shower you with compliments over the headset, calling you the prettiest thing he's ever seen to put on an apron, how cute your angry face looks when you're totally focused on bar, even busting out some cutesy nicknames that make you squirm as you try to finish up your dishes. Strangely enough, everyone else is silent on the headset, letting you and Abbacchio get acquainted with one another to your heart's content, the lull in the conversation only happening when a customer pulls up. Eventually, like all good things, the compliments come to an end and the conversation turns to other topics.

"So you said you live with your mom?" Abbacchio asks after taking an order of five different fraps. You can hear Narancia cussing softly as he has to make each individual drink.

"Yeah, my mom and my big brother." you affirm. "It's the most I can afford in this town. Everything's so goddamn expensive, I couldn't even afford to make the first and last month's rent on the cheapest place in town, and my brother can't move in with me yet since he's doing school full time. But enough about me, what about you?"

"Mm? What about me?" he asks, flirt evident in his voice.

"Which country do I have to thank for that blessed ass accent you have?"

"That's Italy." he laughs. "I've been with the company for over six years, I started out at the reserve roastery in Milan and came here when Buccellati offered me a job. I came on a work visa, and now you can't get rid of me. I'm one of your shift supervisors."

"Well, temp supervisor anyway." you respond rather sadly. "It's too bad this store hadn't been opened before I got hired. Otherwise I would have loved to start here."

"I still think you should transfer." interjects Trish. "No one likes Ogre Street anyways."

"I... I'd have to think about it."

"What's there to think about anyway?" Abbacchio asks, and you stop scrubbing the chocolate pump for a minute. "If you transfer here, I'd get to talk to you every single day. Tips are shit but you can move up if you'd like."

"And the best part is if you transfer here, we can see your huge ass every time you bend over." Mista chimes in.

"MISTA! WE ARE AT WORK!" Bruno sounds exasperated over the headset.

"Oh yeah, my bad boss. I mean to say we can see your venti ass every time you bend over."

Everyone loses their shit for a minute to laugh as Bruno begins to berate the very bad and naughty warming man off headset. Before he mutes, you can hear him threaten disciplinary action, and you can't stop howling in the back. Nearly falling over just thinking about it.

"So how about it cuteness?" Abbacchio asks, and his voice is so warm and inviting you can't help but smile. "Think it's worth us stealing you away to stay here?"

"Yeah... I dunno. Like I said, I'd have to think about it. Besides, I think working here would just give my mommy an excuse to show up more often..."

A shrill sound assaults your ears, the timer, and you sigh.

"Now the age old question..." you wonder aloud, "What the fuck did I brew last?"

"I know we've been selling a lot of medium and dark." Abbacchio replies. "And it's already ten thirty, just cut the blonde and do full batches. Narancia can do pour overs."

"Ah yes," you can hear the mischief in Narancia's voice. "My special americano pour overs."

"You know Narancia, one of these days corporate is gonna walk in and see all the shit you do and your ass is going to get canned." you respond, laughing as you wash your hands in the employee sink before going back out to front.

"Fuck it." he laughs. "It won't bother me none, Buccellati can take care of me with all that Mama Daddy money he's got."

"Oh hey, cara mia, when you come up to front, come to drive. I've got something for you."

That was Abbacchio, and for a hot minute you're almost nervous, like a first date, at the prospect of seeing him face to face.

"Oh yeah? And what would that be?"

"Well," you hear the rustle of the bag, "It's cat shaped, and really cute, like a certain barista I know..."

"OOOOOOOOH DADDY!" you squeal. "You've just made me the happiest girl on earth!"

He's found your weakness. The quickest way for any man to get to your heart is to dangle some motherfucking food in your face, no lie. Even your brother has commented on more than one occasion that if anyone wanted to take you all they had to do was dangle a fucking cupcake in your face and you were toast. And it doesn't help that you called your mom squealing about the cute little kitty shaped cake pops they had out for the season.

“Well? What are you waiting for? Come and get this and we can meet in person."

Ever the one to be lured in with the prospect of free food, you run your ass to the front, nearly bowling over Mista as you skid to a halt at the nook where the drive thru window is located. To your ever lasting shock, you come face to face with the last person you'd ever expect to be flirting with you so boldly.

"Holy shit..." you breathe. "Abbacchio?"

It's the dude who gang faced you the first day you came in, and ironically the one who got fed up with your friend's bar time. Silver hair pulled into a pony tail, glistening purple lips, snatched makeup that's too perfect for a barista... All put together in a black apron. His glare never leaves his face, but maybe... Just maybe, he's like your brother and just has a very bad case of resting bitch face. Because you get a little hopeful when he sees you and his lipstick mouth smiles, beckoning you over with a warming bag in his hand. When Abbacchio reaches in, he pulls out the very treat you've been craving all day since you've seen it. This is the best part of the job. Sometimes some customers forget they get food and never come back, and it just sits there for hours until someone has to throw it away, or they'll change their mind last minute about the food, or worse yet someone on warming (Mista) will fuck up an order and get the wrong sandwich. If it's a sandwich, nine times out of ten you have to toss it, but if it's a sweet treat it's usually fair game for anyone to enjoy since it will just go in the trash. You love to have the mistake foods, sometimes you'll take them to your brother at the college, or more often than not you'll take them home to share with your mother. She loves sweets, and working for a coffee chain she normally can't afford to frequent is such a rare treat that you love to spoil her.

"Oh my god!" you coo, "Is that a kitty cat cake poop just for me??"

"Just for you." he chuckles. "Why do you call it that anyway?"

"I dunno. For some reason the feral part of my brain activates whenever I see words and I just like to play around with them and mutter weird things to myself. I tried telling it to my SM at Ogre Street and he told me I better not call it that, otherwise I might slip and call it a cock pop or something."

He can't help the smile that spreads over his face, and he suddenly gets a very naughty glint in his eye as he twirls the cake pop in your direction.

"So?" he asks. "You made such a big to do about being friendly on the headset. Be a good girl and take a bite of the treat I worked so hard to get for you. Come on, take a big nom nom out of this cock pop~."

You hope and pray that by some stroke of bad luck that no one you know outside of work just heard that. Not one to be shown up when it comes to flirting, you don't miss a beat as you step forward. With a look in your face that would make your mother faint if she knew how filthy you were being, you waste no time in licking a stripe slowly up the cake pop before taking a fat ass bite out of the head. Abbacchio's grin could split his entire face in half, and even more so when you use your teeth to pull the pop stick out of his hand.

"Hey... hunty, question?" it's Trish interrupting the positively predatory stares you and Abbacchio are giving each other. She's been listening in this whole time.

"Yes Trisha my love?" you respond, not taking your eyes off Abbacchio.

"Just one question... Can you eat pussy like that?"

A cacophony of screams and your screech of "NASTY WOMAN" makes Trish lose her shit outside, and Bruno swears up and down from the back office that he's going to write up the next person who says something filthy over headset during his shifts.

[dxffxdxl]

College tips aka how to survive

FOR FUCKS SAKE C O P Y E V E R I T H I N G

Seriously otherwise you'll find yourself a week before the exam and you'll discover that you stopped taking notes a month ago because the teacher would "upload it to the school page". Plot twist, she didn't.

Don't you even think twice about the making friends stuff. People with the same interests and stuff will inevitably end up as friends. Somehow. Don't ask me how.

If you can develop a "you take notes now and I'll do it tomorrow" routine with a buddy, fucking do it. Spare your wrist some pain.

Sleep at least seven hours or you'll fall asleep at biochemistry every morning during a whole month.

Also, energetic drinks are your fairy godmother.

If you were kinda introverted and now are all "Omg so many new friends and stuff to do and places to go and a city to discover". Slow down. Trust me. Or you'll end up in three different student groups you aren't even interested in and without time to properly study.

Don't be afraid to not meet with people. "Hey you wanna come to eat something then we dress at x's house and party till six am?" "Sorry gotta study today&tomorrow morning". They'll be there. Your time to study evaporates quickly as fuck.

Keep your room as messy as you want but for fucks sake clean it. Move things around, clean and put things back in their place. No matter if you have to go around your stuff on the floor, at least is a clean floor. Clean over tidy, always.

You somehow find the time to worry about decorations? Worry no more, your decorations will probably come from birthday presents from your friends. And if they don't have the initiative, ask them for pics and fairy lights and stuff. Movie posters also help and they cover a great part of the wall and make the place look nicer.

If you are by yourself at a flat or something, you are safe (but find the nearest supermarket because you'll be buying shit almost everyday)

If you are at one of those halls of residence with twenty, thirty people, you are less safe but depends mostly on the people you live next to. Probably there'll be friendly hazing, you'll be really good friends with one, two of the students, be friendly with like half of the people and then the other half of the people won't ever appear so you don't really know them. This is at least my experience *shrugs*

If you are at those huge halls of residence... Welcome to the hunger games. I've heard every kind of things from my friends, from "the hazing (I think that's the word. I mean the jokes and stuff the older students do on the new ones. It can be funny, friendly and consensual or go bad really quick and end with people at the hospital. It depends. Be careful) to one -broken-washing machine for fifty people, and including not so good food, heating that doesn't work, people making noise and fooling around when the others are trying to study... Choose well your hall.

Honestly, I'd delete the tumblr app. I did it for a while and still sporadically do it, because it is so time consuming, at least for me.

Also, find a 24/7 copy shops. It'll save your life one day or another.

Also, don't waste time about your aesthetic while studying. Some notes are going to be great and pretty, others will look like hell. Doesn't matter, study that shit and never look back.

If you need to skip clases in order to study or rest because you have to study later? Do it, and then u ask for the notes to a friend. No biggie. But be realistic. You/your parents/somebody else is probably paying for those classes, and somebody else didn't get into your class because you are there. Make those things worth it.

Honestly, to sum up because I gotta start studying in 8 minutes: develop a "I'm at this fancy boarding class school and I gotta at least pass/get good marks while somehow keeping a good mental and physical health and having some good friends" or a "this bitch is gonna study as fuck and get those marks and be fucking successful. I'll make no harm but I will fucking not take shit" attitude. Idk, I inspire myself with the dead poets society and the fanon pansy parkinson. Whatever suits you.

[punkscowardschampions]

Buster & Rio

Buster: Are you gonna be on clean up crew? Buster: I have to be Rio: Was meant to Rio: but I'll leave you to it then Buster: Cheers Buster: You can always help with Jay so Nance can do her bit Buster: Nobody'll give you shit for that Rio: Maybe Rio: she'll be well fawned over so Rio: best out of it Rio: stay in bed Buster: Whatever Rio: Not free childcare Buster: Didn't say you were Buster: She has fun with you that's it Rio: She's a baby, she can't tell who's who idiot 😂 Buster: Tell that to everyone she hates Rio: Rather not start my morning having a chinwag with Chlo, tah Rio: too far Rio: ? Buster: Probably Buster: Woke up on the wrong side of the bed, yeah? Rio: Oh well, too late now Rio: Funny Rio: Wrong bed, init Buster: Not very funny to be fair Rio: Oh get over it, McKenna Rio: This is what you do Rio: what, really thought you'd changed? Buster: I was trying to Rio: N'awwh Rio: Single tear Buster: Glad you're loving this Buster: That's what you do Buster: revel in the fuck ups Rio: and what? Rio: sorry I don't jerk myself off, fist pumping every 'victory' Rio: not my crowd Buster: So you say Buster: Happy to crowd me though Rio: You can go fuck yourself Rio: like I forced you Rio: you're delusional Buster: No Buster: Much as you like to put words and thoughts on me Buster: I never said you did Rio: Then own it and move the fuck on Rio: you're turning into a real bore, you know? Buster: Good Buster: It'll keep you away from me Rio: Who you trying to kid? Rio: 'Cos newsflash, its only working on yourself Buster: Newsflash I only give a shit about myself Rio: I'm aware Rio: reckon your girlfriend ain't yet Rio: Give her time to catch up, eh? Buster: Planning to Rio: Save me another job Rio: 'cos cba to give her the lowdown Buster: You're welcome Rio: But like I said, not fooled here Rio: you'll just continue to be a piece of shit Rio: keep up the collection of dumb bitches Buster: Lucky you don't care then Rio: Didn't say that Rio: not about you Rio: I can feel bad for her though Buster: Bit late for that Rio: I'm not her boyfriend Rio: and doubt I'm the first or last betrayal so good one Rio: its all on you, dickhead Buster: You still knew I was Buster: Say what else you like Rio: And what? Not my responsibility to make sure you behave Rio: And if she's that girl that blames the other women then I take back any sympathy I had for her so Buster: And you didn't say no to spare her so don't act like you give any fucks now Buster: You're as selfish as I am Buster: Own that and move on Rio: Not claiming I love the bitch Rio: I can do what I want Buster: Then shut up about her Rio: Little late to grow a conscience Rio: you're SUCH a little bitch boy 😂 Buster: And you love it so get off the moral high ground Rio: Its mine to take Rio: if you're gonna pretend to be something you're not, tie yourself down, then you get the consequences Rio: Simple as Rio: Not going to console you Buster: I wasn't asking you to Buster: I only asked you one question Rio: Nah Rio: Not how I recall it Buster: Recall it how you want Rio: Fucking hell you're dry Buster: If you only wanna talk to me when I'm making you wet you're gonna have a long wait Rio: Big talk for someone who lasted a month being 'good' 😂 Rio: Pathetic Buster: That was then Buster: I'm over you now Buster: Over all of this Rio: That was a few hours ago Rio: You're actually derranged, called it in the air from the off Rio: you can't gaslight me like you can your bland naive little girlfriends Rio: Unlucky Buster: Yeah I am and now I'm sick of you too Buster: I got what I wanted a few hours ago Buster: So no need to string this out Rio: 😂 Brilliant Rio: what's the issue champ, can't get it up? Or just not enough fucked up shit for you to really feel more than a pump and dump? Rio: Poor girl Buster: Why do you care? Buster: Not everything has to be that deep Rio: Yes it does Rio: I'm not the one with delusions here, remember Rio: If you were happy, you wouldn't have done it Rio: Its that fucking simple, Buster Buster: I never said I was happy or unhappy Buster: Why would I to you? Rio: You didn't have to Rio: Actions speak louder Rio: Stop behaving like you're braindead, you're meant to be clever Buster: I had an opportunity and I took it Buster: There's the action Buster: Nothing else to say Rio: and if you were happy Rio: you wouldn't have Buster: How do you know? Buster: Maybe I was blissful and I couldn't handle it Rio: then you're more of a lost cause than you're acting Rio: if you're into someone, you don't cheat on them, its that straightforward Buster: For you Rio: You're sooooo complex 😂 Rio: for everyone Buster: Not for me Buster: I'm into her and I still fucked you Buster: End of story Rio: No it ain't Buster: Cause you don't want it to be Buster: But it is Rio: No Rio: fuckwit Rio: because you're not going to do anything about it cause you're chickenshit Buster: I'm not going to do anything about it cause it doesn't mean anything Buster: I'm not married to her Rio: She'd disagree Rio: and you're fully aware Rio: If she meant anything, you'd tell her the truth and beg for fucking forgiveness Rio: but that's not gonna happen, is it? Rio: No because she'll dump you on the spot for being such a fuck up Buster: You don't know her so don't give it out like you do Rio: You don't Rio: and she doesn't know you, the real you, cos you know what'd happen if she did Buster: Exactly Buster: It's been weeks not years Rio: She's still not going to appreciate being cheated on you absolute fucking tool! Rio: More so, maybe if you were in love you'd get passed it Rio: but it ain't that deep, honey Buster: Get over it Buster: There's no need for you to care Buster: Or give me this lecture Rio: No Rio: I'm not staying in the box you put me in for your convenience, I don't fucking love you either Rio: and I'm within my right to tell her, if that's what I want to do Rio: you have NO control over this, Buster, NONE Buster: Go on then Buster: Do it Buster: You're the only one who gives a shit about who has control Buster: I could care less Rio: When it stops being fun holding it over you, I will Rio: You'll find out by proxy, I'm sure Buster: Take that pathetic enjoyment and run with it Buster: If that's all you've got, take it Rio: Plan to Rio: 'Cos what have you got? Nothing more than what you lie and cheat for Rio: and that's all so easily taken away Buster: I've got everything I need Buster: You're the one grasping Buster: Trying to make me react Rio: You have NOTHING Rio: None of it is real Rio: and I don't need to lift a finger or say a word to make you Rio: you do it all yourself, no need for help Buster: Boo fucking hoo Buster: If I'd wanted real I'd never have gone near you Rio: Duh Rio: its all fantasy Rio: Best of all is the fantasy where you think you'll be a good guy with a 'nice' safe missus Rio: I'm not apologising for laughing Rio: What do you expect? Buster: Nothing Buster: I like the fantasy Buster: Paint me as being a devastated loser all you like but actually I'm fine Buster: Even better now I'm done with you Rio: You can't be Rio: Cuz Rio: 😂 you're the furthest from fine Rio: trust, I know Rio: you don't live around a trainwreck for as long as I did without learning how to spot the derailment ahead Buster: I'd tell you not to flatter yourself but that's all you've got so go ahead Buster: You don't know anything close to as much as you think you do Buster: If you had you'd have seen Drew coming for a start Buster: And Edie going Rio: Likewise, Mr Trinity College Rio: can't stop a trainwreck, everyone knows that Rio: can't look away either Rio: you and your saviour complex Rio: served you well, hasn't it? oh wait Rio: nah, nah it hasn't Buster: Again, you're the one putting that on me Buster: Worry about yourself, Rio Rio: I'm not Rio: can't take back the fuck, can't take back all the shit I know about you Rio: deal with it Buster: You see what you wanna see Buster: Deal with being wrong more than you're right Rio: I can only see and hear what you're putting out Rio: You're the twisted one, remember? Rio: I'm crystal clear Buster: Keep telling yourself that Rio: I shall Rio: keep telling yourself you're fine Rio: and all will be peachy Buster: Unlikely but it's the truth regardless Buster: Got to go get shit done now Buster: Bye Rio: When you out yourself as not being fine in a sentence Rio: Good Luck, kid Rio: You need it Buster: No doubting that Buster: Never have Rio: Right, the fight to the top Rio: I recall, we're not going over that again, PLEASE Buster: No we aren't Buster: I'm busy Rio: Carnage won't clean itself Rio: better to start with that mess Buster: Can't all lie in bed being a smug bitch Rio: oh, you want me to come now? Rio: wow, mixed messages, babe Buster: Like I've said repeatedly, I don't care what you do Rio: No, bitch, you only messaged me to make sure I wasn't going to show Rio: Cut the crap for a sec and be honest Rio: you've had no problem telling me graphically and repeatedly what a horrible mistake I was/am so let's not act otherwise now Buster: No I told you I had to be there Buster: I never said what you should do Buster: Thought you might not wanna come, but if you're that desperate to pick up empties nobody's stopping you Rio: And why else would you tell me that but to say don't come Rio: you're driving me insane, have you forgotten how to tell the truth, has it been that long? Rio: fuck Buster Buster: I figured you might not want to see me since I don't wanna see you Buster: It's that simple Rio: Well, you were wrong Rio: Again Rio: but whatever, understood Buster: More fool you for being surprised or bothered Buster: You should've known Buster: Seen it coming I'd be wrong, that's your thing Rio: No, I got it, you've hurled enough insults my way for one morning, thanks Rio: not expecting a good morning text but you know Rio: I'm the idiot who thought you might have some decency left in you, yeah, my mistake Buster: Yeah it is Buster: At least you won't make it again Rio: No Rio: I'm not fool enough to believe that Rio: but you're riding that hard enough for the both of us so maybe Buster: Believe what you want Rio: I don't Rio: and that's why you're so angry at me Buster: Don't flatter yourself Buster: I'm mad at myself Rio: Stop telling me what to do, and then telling me you aren't! Rio: and don't say such vile things to me and be so cruel, and then tell me you don't care! Rio: Just stop it Buster: What do you want? A declaration of love Buster: You wanted honesty Rio: No Rio: and you haven't given me honesty, you've given me nothing but contradictions, so only half of what you said can be close to being right Buster: If that's what you've heard there's nothing I can do about it Buster: I've been honest Rio: Yes, there is! Rio: Oh my god, why are you so infuriating? Buster: You tell me Buster: You're the one having a stroke Rio: Because you've treated me like shit! Rio: and you don't see the problem in that Rio: you only care about her Rio: whether you like me or not you could treat me like a fucking human being Buster: Like you've treated me any better Buster: Not my fault you can give it out but can't take it Rio: Nothing ever is Rio: I said some things that if I was in a better frame of mind, I'd probably be sorry for, yeah; but you literally started this Buster: I'm not going to be sorry for treating you how you deserve to be treated Buster: I've been defending myself this entire time Rio: Clearly Rio: No, I fully understand that you're just treating me how I deserve; what else would a sad whore like me deserve but a pity fuck when you were horny and inexplicably your girlfriend wouldn't do? Rio: and I'm even more of a sad whore for being offended when this is pointed out to me the next morning when you say you NEVER wanna see me again Rio: Gotcha Buster: It wasn't that Buster: I don't pity you, that's all you feeling sorry for yourself and me apparently because I'm so fucked up Buster: And I didn't say never, I just don't want to see you the morning after I made a mistake Buster: Get over yourself like Rio: I think you'll find you did but I'm not being the bitch who sends you screenshots, heaven help me, I'm already a whore and a jealous cunt Rio: can't add that to the list of my sins Buster: Well if I did add that to the list of mine Buster: Since you love my mistakes so much Rio: Gotta love myself, ain't I? Can't fault me that, you always extoling the virtues Buster: I'm not Buster: Come on, you're not the mistake, getting with you again was Rio: What's the difference? Buster: It's the timing it's not you Rio: C'mon Rio: that just means it was alright when nothing better was on offer Rio: appreciate the attempt at being decent but Rio: whatever, I'll survive Buster: She's not better, she's different Buster: And you know it wasn't just alright Rio: Nah, she is Rio: It ain't the first time I've been a side-chick Rio: Forever like, ahh, too early to crack open another bottle is it? Rio: Pity party that it is Buster: I'm not gonna sit here and listen to this bullshit Buster: You're better than this Rio: Evidently not Rio: but that's alright, not gonna rock your world at this point, you've been putting out as much Buster: Stop Buster: I wanted to hurt you Buster: You called me out on it already so don't buy in now Rio: What do you want me to say? Like, mission accomplished Rio: What's done is done Buster: Fuck's sake Buster: what do you want ME to say? Rio: I don't think there's anything else for you to say Rio: is there? Buster: Christ, now you're being infuriating Buster: I'm sorry, yeah? Rio: Yeah Rio: cool Buster: You're just gonna ice me out now then Buster: We're done talking, that's it? Rio: You said Bye like, 10 minutes ago so Rio: I assumed so, in fairness 😜 Buster: THAT you listen to Buster: Fuck Buster: I can't win with you Rio: I'm all ears, McKenna Rio: Its not a game, so you can't, I'm afraid Buster: Isn't it? Since when Rio: Since it has no end-goal Rio: and who decides who's won or lost Buster: We both lose according to you Rio: Well Rio: am I wrong? Buster: Why do we have to Rio: Because we set ourselves up to Rio: What else did we think would happen here? Buster: We weren't thinking Buster: I'm not sorry I wasn't Rio: Yeah you are Rio: but should be, at least you're trying Rio: Shouldn't take the piss out of you for it Buster: Like I said, only about last night Buster: 'Cause I am trying Buster: But I can't blame you for coming for my failings, shouldn't anyway Rio: I can't apologise for the gist of what I was saying, even if I did go too far at certain points Rio: even if it is one for you, and that's alright Rio: its not the best feeling in the world to be someone's 'failing' and 'mistake' Rio: is what it is but now you know Rio: said my piece Buster: yeah Buster: I don't want you to be sorry Buster: I don't want you to be one of my fuck ups either Buster: But I meant what I told you before, I really like Erin, and that is still true Rio: Yeah Rio: I just am, we can't take it back Rio: we thought we knew that but we didn't Buster: Fuck Buster: Tell me what you want me to do Buster: I can't fix it, I know that, but I don't wanna leave it like this Rio: I don't know Rio: I really don't think there's anything you can do or say Rio: It'll get better with time, doesn't everything? Buster: No Buster: It's a platitude Rio: Well Rio: Gotta take it Buster: Yeah Buster: Do you want me to go? Buster: I'll get out of your inbox, that's what you properly deserve like Rio: No Rio: of course I don't Rio: but you should Buster: You're right, you've been right this whole time Buster: But I don't want you to be Buster: Not about that Buster: I've changed my mind Buster: I do want to see you Rio: Buster Rio: Don't Rio: One of us has to be sensible Buster: One more time Buster: Please Rio: That's what you wanted last night to be Rio: wasn't it? Buster: I don't know Buster: But I know I don't want this convo to be it Buster: I do care about you Buster: I want to stop lying Rio: Okay Rio: Okay, I don't want it to be either Rio: lets just talk, in person Rio: we can be honest Buster: Yeah Buster: I owe you more than that Rio: Its a start Buster: Where? Rio: I don't know, don't care, anywhere Buster: Meet me outside, we'll figure the rest out when you get that far Rio: Okay Buster: Don't be long, yeah? Rio: I won't Rio: Coming now