#got my second covid shot yesterday and everything hurts

[kellystar321]

.

[to-boldly-nope]

Flower- TOS! Spock x Reader

Requested by @groovyfluxie Hi!!! May I please request a Soulmate AU where TOS!Spock and Reader are reincarnated soulmates who have a matching soulmark (maybe like a red chrysanthemum with a red fate string tied on the stem)?

Words: 740

A/N: I'm sorry this took a while. I had a band concert and I had to practice for a choir concert and yesterday I had a little COVID safe party with my friends. Also I know the reference for the soulmark isn't exactly the right flower of color but when I head flower with a string my first though was BTS' Love Yourself: Her album cover.

~

You didn't know why the universe decided to make soulmates a thing, but it was and the universe had a weird way of showing it too. On your shoulder blade was a mark that looked like a chrysanthemum but to be honest you couldn't tell what it was and there were red lines attached to it. 

You groaned as you rolled out of bed. You didn't want to go to your shift in sickbay, but Bones would be disappointed if you didn't show up. You quickly got changed, taking a few seconds to look at the mark on your shoulder blade, and then you headed to sickbay. 

"Thank God you're here," Bones called out. "I have to leave for an away mission and I need you to watch over sickbay for me." 

"Yes, Doctor," you replied before he ran off. 

One thing for sure, you didn't know if you could handle Bones if he was your soulmate. Sure, he was a gentleman, always putting others before himself and he had his looks and charm, but he was so busy. 

Your shift went by really fast since nobody decided to get hurt then. You were ready to call Nurse Chapel down before the trio walked in, beaten up and bruised. You let out a quiet sigh and began getting your supplies out.

"What happened to you?" You asked Bones.

"Aliens," he grumbled as he tried to help you, but you glared at him and he backed off for once.

You walked over to Kirk. "Please remove your shirt. I need to check for wounds," you told him, making him take his shirt off. You secretly scanned for his soulmark and was disappointed when he didn't have yours. You quickly patched him up and went to Spock. He did the same thing without you asking.

You always had a crush on Spock, but you never knew the real reason why. Why fall head over heels for the logical one when you can have someone as charming as Bones or Kirk? You didn't know.

You let out a small gasp as you saw his soulmark was the exact same as yours. You froze for a second, making Bones look in your direction.

"What's the matter?" He asked, looking at Spock's back with you. Bones knew what your soulmark looked like. You two had a discussion about it and showed each other. His soulmark was on his finger.

"Mr. Spock," Bones beamed as he looked at you. "I don't know to apologize or to congratulate you."

"I am afraid that I do not understand," Spock said as he continued to look forward.

"You just met your soulmate, Spock."

~

You paced outside his quarters, debating with yourself as if you should try to enter. You were very excited but yet very nervous that Spock was your soulmate. Complete opposites becoming soulmates. They always did say opposites attract.

Spock's door came open and you jumped as you watched the Vulcan emerge. You shot him a nervous smile as he softly tilted his head.

"(Y/N), would you like to come inside?"

You let out a heavy sigh as you nodded. Spock let you through and you went into his quarters.

His quarters was very nice. It had nice purple lighting and artifacts from different cultures. Everything in his room said logic and nothing said emotional.

"I'm assuming you know why I'm here," you told him as he offered you a seat at his desk.

"A person finds their soulmate, was I expecting you just to ignore it?"

"Hopefully," you laughed to yourself. "Oh, come on, Spock, look at us. You value logic and I cry over everything. I don't understand."

He shifted in his seat before making direct eye contact with you. Usually his look would be stern and powerful, but this time you've noticed that his look was soft and compassionate.

"My mother," he started, "taught me that love sometimes isn't supposed to make sense. After all, she did marry a Vulcan."

"I know but I just don't know where to start or what to do. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable since I'm so human compared to you."

You saw as a little appeared on his lips and your heart skipped a beat. You never saw him smile before and you thought it was the cutest thing.

"You may start by telling me what you enjoy and we can work from there."

[ragingbookdragon]

DC Character Insert Guide!

So, I got my second Covid shot yesterday and while I didn’t feel much of the effects then, I’m feeling them today, and I don’t want to write any fics because it’s too much effort and everything in my body hurts.

Instead, I decided to compile a list of all the character inserts I do, just so everyone can have a bit of a better background to them. Let’s start with the Batfamily, then we’ll move to the Superfamily, then Flashfamily, and finally the Lanternfamily.

-Thorne

So, within the Batfamily inserts there are four insert characters: Batmom (Bruce’s wife and mother of the Batfamily), Bat-Aunt (Bruce’s sister), Batsis (Bruce’s daughter, and Batbrother (Bruce’s son).

1. Batmom (Bruce’s wife and mother of the Batfamily) is a model by day and support at night. She stopped being a vigilante after Dick and Bruce’s falling out, preferring to stay at home and focus on raising Jason whilst caring for the family. She was born in Blüdhaven but grew up in Gotham City, eventually getting a job at WE where she quickly worked her way to the position of Bruce’s secretary where she became a valued member of his personal circle.

2. Bat-Aunt (Bruce’s sister) is a billionaire, playgirl, philanthropist by day and depending on which pairing I’m using, she’s either a vigilante by night or support for the Batfamily (non-vigilante). She’s Bruce’s younger sister and no one’s really sure if they’re related by blood but apparently one night, the two siblings sat down to test DNA, received the answers, and never spoke of them again. They’ve been together since they were in diapers—they’re siblings through and through. She is close with Ghost-Maker and Barry Allen.

3. Batsis (Bruce’s daughter) is a writer by day and a spy-network running vigilante by night. She is the oldest sibling of the Batsiblings and takes it upon herself to keep everyone in check when they need it. Because she’s older than most of the sidekicks every major superhero has, she’s not friends like Dick is with his group, so she tends to help out with the JL more. She was born and raised in Gotham City, showing up at Bruce’s doorstep at six years old. She is close with Wally West and Kyle Rayner.

4. Batbrother (Bruce’s son) is a black ops squad leader, designation SPECTRES, who runs missions all over the world that take out terrorist organizations, human trafficking rings, etc. He is the eldest sibling of the Batsiblings, and is typically compared to being a second Bruce, but a much laxer Bruce. He was born in Gotham, but his mother passed during birth, and he was raised in the mountains of Virginia by his maternal grandfather until he was thirteen. During the time, he was taught how to live off the land—which is important because it helps him during the Super Soldier Program. He traveled to Gotham City to Wayne Manor and told Bruce he was his son. After DNA testing, it was proven true. When he’s not on a mission, he’s usually at Wayne Manor bugging the crap out of his family. He is a sexual assault survivor during his time in the military and he advocates for other survivors and also runs personal missions (without his team) to bring justice to those who didn’t receive any. He is close with Kyle Rayner and his younger brother Jason Todd.

Within the Superfamily there are two reader inserts and those are Super-Aunt (Clark’s sister) and Supersis (Clark’s daughter).

1. Super-Aunt (Clark’s sister) is the world’s Superwoman. She lives in Gotham City working for Bruce, so she is technically apart of the Batfamily. She was not raised by the Kents with Clark, as their pods hit one another in the atmosphere and shot off to different locations, hers in Jacksonville, Florida. She and Clark met during a Daily Planet trip to Wayne Enterprises. She is close with Bruce Wayne and Ted Kord—and Booster Gold because you can’t have Blue Beetle without Booster Gold.

2. Supersis (Clark’s daughter) is the world’s Superwoman. She is not Lois Lane’s daughter but considers the woman her mother. She fights with the Young Justice team and when she’s not fighting with them, she’s either at her family home or at Gotham University taking classes. She is close with Tim Drake, Bart Allen, and Jason Todd.

In the Flashfamily there are two reader inserts, and they are Flash-Aunt (Barry’s sister) and Flash-daughter (Barry’s daughter).

1. Flash-Aunt (Barry’s sister) is a Flash like Barry and serves in the Central City Police Department with her brother, but while Barry is a forensic scientist, she is a detective, working their cases so that the two siblings are always on them together—they’re currently gunning for the most solved cases award. She is not the child of Nora Allen, but instead of Henry Allen during the time that he and Nora were getting divorced. When she was born, the mother gave her to Darryl Frye and she and Barry were raised together. She is close with Hal Jordan and Bruce Wayne.

2. Flash-Daughter (Barry’s daughter) was recently introduced with the fic “If We Were Fast Enough”. She is the daughter of Barry Allen in a world where the old Justice League has retired, and their successors have taken up the mantles. Unfortunately, global devastation occurred which was a result of nuclear warfare between countries. During the all-out war on the ruined landscape, she watched every JL member fall along with every Flash. She witnessed the deaths and took their speed (she did not kill them, but merely took their speed to keep it out of the hands of the enemy), making her faster than every speedster. Within the final moments of her world, she harnessed Barry Allen’s speed before he died, making her the fastest speedster alive, even faster than Wally West (just by an inch), and escaped the imploding of her world by traveling to another timeline. After a year, she broke down and told Barry the truth, but he accepted her as his daughter regardless. She works in CCPD as a forensic scientist and is the Lightning Flash when she isn’t working. She is older than most of the sidekicks, around her late twenties, but is close with Jason Todd and Kyle Rayner.

Last but not least, there are two inserts in the Lanternfamily, and they are Lanternsis (Hal’s sister) and Lantern-Daughter (Hal’s daughter).

1. Lanternsis (Hal’s sister) is the daughter of Jessica Jordan but not Martin Jordan. She was born a few years after Martin died, her father isn’t known, and was raised in the family. Because Hal was so determined to join the Air Force and fly, he wasn’t around much as she was growing up, but seeing that no one in the family wanted to talk to Hal, especially her mother and oldest brother, she took it upon herself to have a relationship with him, calling him whenever she could, seeing him when she could. They became very close when she expressed that she herself wanted to join the Navy and become a pilot. Hal taught her everything he knew about flying and she excelled in the Naval flight programs, even at the expense of her relationship with Jessica. When her mother died, she chose an honorable discharge from the military and started working at Ferris Aircraft with Hal. Sometime during Hal’s breakdown as Green Lantern and the destruction of Coast City, the Blue Lantern Power Ring found her, and she became the Blue Lantern of Earth for her undying hope that she and the ones she loved most would be okay. She is close with Barry Allen and the Four Corpsmen.

2. Lantern-Daughter (Hal’s daughter) was introduced with the fic “When The Music’s Not Forgotten”. She is Hal’s daughter, mother is unknown, and currently lives with him in Coast City. She works at a Wayne Enterprises branch in Coast where she met with Jason Todd and started training unbeknownst to her father. During a fight when the truth was revealed, she and Hal had a falling out where she returned home and was met by Sinestro who invited her to join the Sinestro Corps. She agreed and became a Yellow Lantern. All is not lost though; she eventually becomes another Lantern type. She is close with Jason Todd, Wally West, and the Four Corpsmen.

[fangirltothefullest]

Second covid shot things I noticed so far since I got the shot yesterday:

Lots of intense muscle and specifically joint pain. Like bearable with Tylenol but oh my gods does it hurt if I'm not on pain meds. Injection site hurts like a truck hit it regardless of the medicine and the motions they told me to do for it to lessen the pain. It didn't seem to help. Pretty bad- worse than a tetanus shot. Like a major bruising without actively being bruised.

My hands are aching. The wrist joint and palms and even my fingers are lightly stiff and sore like I used them too much which is very odd. Even on the side that didn't get the injection my whole arm is achy and stiff.

My knees hurt a lot. I don't know why but getting comfortable in bed was very difficult with the knee pain. Once the Tylenol kicked in though everything was fine and managable and I could sleep but when it wore off it was miserable.

Interestingly enough the'e first shot gave me a much worse headache than the second. This one is more joint aches and pains and a lethargy and exhaustion whereas the first gave me migraines.

So like moral of the story if you get the second covid shot and you hurt in the joints a lot like me, get tylenol, it's so far been the best thing to curb the aches. I couldn't sleep without it.

Weird how the body reacts to stuff!

[whumpmatsus]

Yesterday I took the second coronal vaccine, totally fine until I woke up at 3:30 am feeling like shit, no one was home and I didn't know how to take care of myself so I just took a fever' medicine and tried to go back to sleep, was cring while calling mommy.

my fever dropped down yet I still feel the pain killing me and I have to go to school.

Now I want one of the brothers to feel my pain 🙂

awwww I'm sorry you went through that, hun! my second vaccine I was similar, feeling fine until I woke up in the middle of the night all nauseous and congested, thankfully I'd taken off of work for a couple days in advance in case I got side effects

I was almost normal by the end of the day though, it sucks you were still feeling bad and had stuff to do! this got sent like two weeks ago so I certainly hope you're feeling better now and you weren't miserable too long <3

... I decided on Osomatsu bc I've been feeling them Oso girl vibes lately, plus he's sooooo much a mama's boy it seemed to fit haha

I also decided to use side effects for the flu shot instead of the COVID vaccine, just because I'm uncomfy using current events in my fictional writings, but the gist is still the same

I may have taken a few liberties with the side effect symptoms, but hey, it's different for everyone, right? it's also funny that all the brothers got hit by one symptom worst, but poor Oso got hit by all of them XD

there's some Allmatsu slipped in here, but also Matsuyo babying her oldest boy a bit!

hopefully you enjoy your Oso suffering, I loved writing it!!! =)

-

Being alone in the house for once, it’s a miracle that Osomatsu was able to sleep at all.

When he wakes up, the clock blinking at him that it’s sometime around 3 in the morning, he almost forgets that he’s by himself, until he feels that the rest of the futon is empty. Everything trickles back pretty quickly ― why none of his brothers are around tonight.

Choromatsu is at an idol convention that’s pretty far out of town. Karamatsu is staying at a local hotel for a few days’ worth of music performances. Jyushimatsu is away for a week visiting Homura at her parents’ house in the country. Totty’s having a grown-up sleepover at a friend’s place. And Ichimatsu volunteered for an overnight shift at the animal shelter because one of the cats he’s been looking after wound up there.

For the record, there’s very little Osomatsu hates more than being all by himself in the futon. Even though it gives him a chance to spread out and sleep however he likes, it makes him feel lonely. He’d rather be huddled up with everyone than have all this empty space.

To make things worse, when he wakes up alone, he wakes up feeling like shit.He remembers not really drinking that much last night, so it can’t be a hangover… but… he did just get his yearly flu vaccine yesterday afternoon. The pharmacy tech who gave him the shot warned him that he might feel a little bad the next day or so, like he has a weak version of the flu. Annnnd… he’s pretty sure there was a sheet that was given to him that explained benefits, possible side effects, and a list of things that he should go to the doctor if he experienced.

Although he can’t remember where he put that paper, he’s sure that’s why he’s feeling so crappy right now.

The area of his arm where he got injected is stiff, and trying to move it makes him want to cry. There are aches creeping out into the rest of his body, including his head pounding. His stomach is swirling with nausea as soon as he sits up, and for a brief moment he’s convinced he’s going to be sick.

After he puts a hand against his forehead to try and will it to quit hurting, his palm comes back damp with sweat. Shit… do I have a fever? That’s no good either; fevers always make him feel vaguely panicky and uncomfortable in the most horribly nonspecific way.

“Mmm… Mom…?” he calls, but his voice comes out sounding hoarse and raspy. It hurts to talk, so he doesn’t think he can raise his voice more than this. “… Mom?”

Usually if one of the sextuplets calls for their mom, Matsuyo hears them and is in their bedroom only a moment later. At the very least, she calls back that she’s coming. Instead, the house is completely silent. It’s borderline eerie, especially to Osomatsu’s foggy mind.

Then it hits him; their parents are away, too. They went on vacation for a few days, just a short trip to rekindle their romance. So… he really is all by himself right now.

To try and keep himself calm, he does his best to breathe, except as soon as he starts to focus on it, he realizes his nose is plugged. Ughhh. He sniffles for a minute, seeing if he can get a good breath in. It’s kind of hopeless.

Okay, okay… breathe through your mouth then, dumbass. Don’t get all worked up. Just… fuck. Think about what you’d do if one of your brothers woke you up feeling like shit. How would you take care of them?

… It’s hard. Even though he could take care of someone else, it’s infinitely more difficult when he’s the one trying to take care of himself. His brain is all clouded and despite the fact that he knows it’s not serious, he’s probably not actually sick, he feels so terrible it’s making every idea a struggle.

He can’t call any of his brothers. They’re all out enjoying their own things… what kind of awful person would spoil his little brothers’ good times like that?

With that being said, he’s not really sure how to take care of himself. The only other options available are to go back to sleep, which he’s certain he can’t do at the moment, or… call his mom.

Although he hates to interrupt his parents’ vacation like this, he’s got his phone and is dialing Matsuyo’s number before he knows it. He won’t keep her awake for too long, just long enough to get some advice on what to do. She’s the only one he’s really okay with seeing or hearing him be really vulnerable, because even though he’s the oldest of her children… she’s still his mother.

Still, he can’t help but feel just a little guilty when her tired voice comes crackling through the phone. “Osomatsu?”

His arm is sore, so he puts the phone on speaker and sets it down on his lap. “Hi, Mom. Sorry I woke you up.”

“No, no, don’t worry. It’s okay.” She must hear the fatigue and congestion in his voice, because it sounds like she immediately perks up. “Is everything alright?”

The way her voice is already laced with concern makes his throat tighten. He woke her up in the middle of the night, when she was trying to sleep, on vacation, and she doesn’t even sound mad. He blinks away hot tears that have welled up fast, and they have nowhere to go except to drip down his cheeks. “I don’t feel good,” he croaks, reaching up to rub at his eyes.

Damn. What kind of stupid baby am I, crying over this…?

If it’s at all possible, Matsuyo’s voice softens even more. “Ah, honey. Are you sick? Do you need Dad and I to come home?”

“N-no!” His response is instant and visceral, though it probably sounds pathetic because he’s starting to cry. “I… I don’t think it’s… that bad. I just… I woke up and I… I’m all… my arm hurts, and I’ve got a really bad headache, I’m sweating and shivering at the s-same time, my stomach hurts…”

“Oh, dear.” She clicks her tongue. “… Hm. You and your brothers got your flu shots yesterday, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s probably why you’re not feeling well. Are you having any trouble breathing?”

“I-I mean… only ‘cause my nose is stuffy. I can still breathe through my mouth and it’s not… like… I can breathe.”

“Are you dizzy or weak?”

He has to pause for a second to figure how to answer that. “N-no… not really. Just kind of… achy.”

“Are you running a temperature?”

“I… I dunno. I think, maybe.”

“Okay, well, if you think you are, you should probably go check it to make sure it’s not too high. Do you want me to stay on with you while you do that?”

“Y-yeah… I guess. I just…” It takes all his strength to get to his feet, and his headache is still pounding away once he does. At least his sinuses clear up a bit when he’s standing. “I know I take care of my brothers all the time… but… I-I don’t… I don’t really know how to take care of myself when I don’t feel good…”

Matsuyo sighs softly. “Oh, Osomatsu, sweetie. That’s normal. It’s harder to take care of yourself than it is to take care of someone else; sometimes you don’t think right when you aren’t feeling well. Go take your temperature, and we’ll go from there, alright?”

“Okay…”

Getting to the bathroom is kind of a battle. Every part of his body just feels so heavy, and he keeps wanting to fall asleep right against the wall. By the time he gets into the bathroom and turns the light on, he’s drained from the walk.

Trying to open the medicine cabinet, he gets a glimpse of himself in the mirror and has to cringe. He just looks shitty ― pale and sweaty, his face flushed like it’s been barely kissed by the fever, eyelids drooping with exhaustion. He looks like some kind of hilarious caricature of a sick person on a Saturday morning cartoon.

Everything rattles in the cabinet for a moment before he finds the thermometer, and gives it a brief rinse before sticking it in his mouth.

He continues to make small noises of discomfort the whole time, and Matsuyo continues to offer gentle coos of encouragement. Finally the damn thing beeps, prompting him to pull it out.

“Osomatsu? What does it say, honey?”

“Mmh, it’s, uh…” The bleariness from being so tired forces him to squint at the screen. “37.8.”

When his mother speaks, she sounds relieved, which makes him feel a little better. “Oh, that’s not too bad. Anything under 38 is low-grade, which combined with everything else means you’re probably just feeling some side effects from the shot. The fever is what’s making you feel bad more than anything, I’d guess.”

He tears off a square of toilet paper to wipe away the leftover tears, still incredulous over the fact that something so simple and dumb made him cry. “So… what do I do? I mean… can I take anything?”

“Of course. If you can manage it, have a few crackers and take two paracetamol, alright? That should keep the fever from making you too uncomfortable.”

“… Ugh.” The thought of food right now isn’t really what he wants to hear. “Do I… have to eat anything?”

“Aaah, I know your tummy is a little upset, but… taking painkillers on an empty stomach isn’t a good idea, sweetheart. It might not get absorbed correctly, and it might make you more nauseous.”

Well… he supposes when she puts it that way, he should just suck it up and have a couple crackers, then. “Okay. Should I do anything else, or…?”

She hums in thought. “I can’t think of much else that would help. Taking the medicine and trying to go back to sleep is your best bet. You can put the hot water bottle on your tummy, if you want. Just make sure it’s not too hot. And you can put a cold cloth on your forehead if you feel warm. Rest will help you more than anything, I think.”

“Okay… I guess you’re right. I just don’t feel good, Mom.” He knows he’s said that several times already, and it sounds so babyish,but he can’t really think of how else to express it.

“Oh, honey, I know. Do you want me to stay up with you for a little bit? I don’t know if a lullaby will work over the phone, but, I can give it a try.”

He shakes his head even though he knows she can’t see it. “No… I’ll be okay. I’m just gonna… eat some crackers and take those pills and lie down. You should go back to sleep, too.”

She chuckles. “Don’t you dare worry about me. I’ll be back out as soon as my head hits the pillow. Are you sure?”

“Yeah… I’m gonna go try to just… take care of myself.”

“Okay, sweetheart. But you call me again if you need anything, alright?”

“Mhm, I will. Thanks for helping me.”

“Of course, my poor boy. Try to get some sleep. I love you.”

“Love you too, Mom. Night.”

Once he hangs up, the house feels too quiet again. It reminds him of those horror movies where someone wakes up in the middle of the night and starts walking around and the monster sneaks up on them without any noise and before they know it, the monster’s got them.

So begins the long trek downstairs after he puts the thermometer away and gets the paracetamol from the cabinet. Now he can’t ever tease Totty again for being afraid of the dark and monsters and all that shit, because he has to peer around the stairway to make sure something isn’t waiting for him at the bottom of the steps.

Thankfully, when he opens the fridge, he discovers a couple bottles of some off-brand sports drink; his mind dredges up a memory of Jyushimatsu telling him a while ago that those are good for sick people. That stuff keeps you hydrated and helps settle your stomach.

So he manages to get two pills swallowed, then forces a handful of senbei crackers into his mouth. Even though they don’t taste good, he’s crossing his fingers that it’ll keep him from feeling too sick from the medicine.

Even the kitchen is too lonely. He takes the rest of the bottle with him, just in case he wakes up again and needs a sip of something to be able to go back to sleep.

Being faced with the empty futon once more makes him almost burst into tears. Seeing nobody in it makes his stupid mind see everyone in it, like they all should be, squished up against each other. He can imagine Ichimatsu at the very end, pretending he’s not cuddling up to Karamatsu. And Choromatsu near the other end, being a good sport about Jyushimatsu curling up against him. And of course Totty right there next to Osomatsu, snuggling against his oldest brother for warmth on a chilly fall night.

He lowers himself down into the futon, but doesn’t actually go horizontal. The phone trembles in his hand, and he can’t stop himself.

-

“Mmmh, Osomatsu-nii-san?”

“Hey, Totty. U-uh… sorry… I probably woke you up, huh?”

“It’s okay. Actually, I’m… I’m kind of glad somebody called. I don’t wanna embarrass myself by waking up my friends, but… i-it’s kind of dark and I have to pee… I know you can’t actually come over, but just talking to you would be enough. Could you maybe… stay on while I go?”

“Oh… yeah, sure. I’ve got nothing better to do than listen to you take a piss in the middle of the night.”

“Oh, haha, so funny. I’ll be fast. Hey… is everything okay? You sound all stuffy.”

“Yeah, I’m good. Just… flu shot side effects making me feel crummy. Everyone else got theirs yesterday too, so I just… thought I’d check on you guys since I woke up feeling like shit.”

“Huh. Well, I feel okay. My arm’s a little sore, but beyond that I’m good.”

“Good.”

“Aaaah, okay, I’m done now. Can you stay on while I walk back to the other room?”

“Yeah, no worries. I hope you can get back to sleep pretty fast.”

“Ugh, me too. It was hard to go back to sleep with my arm hurting and being too scared to go pee. Thanks for checking on me.”

“Hey, what else are big brothers for?”

“Mmh, thanks anyway, though. Goodnight, Osomatsu-nii-san.”

“Night, Totty. Sweet dreams.”

-

“Aaaah, Osomatsu… yaaaawn… is everything alright, dear brother?”

“Oh, uh, yeah. Yeah, everything’s fine, Kara. I just… miss you guys, since it’s just me in the house. I woke up and… forgot I was all by myself, pfft.”

“Hmph. I suppose I understand that. In my case, I do not believe I’m sleeping as well as I might with the rest of you. So at least it isn’t just you feeling that way.”

“Yeah… ha, that makes me feel a little better. Uh, how are your gigs going so far?”

“Oh? Are you interested? Well, surprise of surprises, the crowd gave me a standing ovation tonight!”

“Yeah, really? Damn, look at you. Better not have flirted with any pretty girls without me.”

“Ah, I wouldn’t dream of it, brother. Are you doing alright otherwise? You sound a bit off.”

“Mh, no big deal. Just the flu shot making me feel like shit. You’re not feeling too bad?”

“I believe I had a low fever earlier, but by the time I came back to my room, it had broken. You have my thanks for checking on me, however. And I sincerely hope you feel better soon.”

“Thanks, Kara. Hey, I’ll let you get back to sleep now; you need rest for your next gig tomorrow.”

“Haha! Why, I wouldn’t say you’re wrong. Goodnight, brother.”

“Night, Kara. Sleep tight.”

-

“Hey, shitty eldest. Are you really still awake?”

“Ouch, what a greeting. Right through my heart, Ichimacchan. Nah, I was sleeping, but I woke up. I was trying to get back to sleep… it’s just kind of… y’know, lonely over here.”

“Oh. Yeah, you’re the only one in the house, huh?”

“Yeahhh, it sucks. I just woke up and I was like, ‘shit, where are all my baby brothers?’ Pff.”

“Yeah, I get it. I’d come home if I could, but I’ve gotta take care of Fern right now.”

“No, no, it’s all good. How’s she doing?”

“Better than the last time I saw her. At least she’s eating now. She keeps hissing at anyone who gets close except for me.”

“Pffff… guess she’s copying you.”

“Tch, go die, Osomatsu. Actually, it sounds like you’re pretty close to it right now. You good?”

“Oh, yeah. I’m good. The fucking flu shot, you know?”

“Ouch, don’t even mention that. My head was about to split in half earlier.”

“Shit. You doing better now?”

“Yeah, it finally went away. Hopefully you feel better soon, too. Listen, I gotta go now ― Fern’s scratching at me for a little more food.”

“Oh, right, no problem. Go take care of her. And, uh, take some sleep if you can get it so you don’t pass out tomorrow.”

“I’ll do my best. If not, I’m napping on top of you tomorrow. Night, Osomatsu.”

“Count on it! See you tomorrow, Ichimacchan.”

-

“Heyyyyy, Osomatsu-nii-san!! You woke me up and the phone ringing almost woke up Homura-chan. Is everything okay???”

“Oh… oh, yeah, sorry, Jyushi. Everything’s fine. I didn’t mean to wake you up and almost wake her. I just wanted to call and… see how you were doing.”

“… Hah??”

“I’m all alone in the house… I guess I miss all my little brothers. Choro has some nerd shit going on, Kara’s doing gigs, Totty’s at a friend’s place, and Ichi’s at the animal shelter with one of his cats… and you’re all the way out in the country. Plus Mom and Dad went on vacation. So…”

“Oh. So you’re just lonely ‘cause you’re alone. And you woke up and felt bad so you called me?”

“Yeah… I’m calling the others too. Just… just, you know, checking up on everybody. Sorry, I didn’t think about that you’re probably sleeping in the same bed as Homura-chan…”

“It’s okay! Maybe if she wakes up we’ll go for round two, haha.”

“Jyushi! You sly asshole, saying something like that to me, pffff. You’re bad. You’re… having fun, though, right?”

“Yeah, loads of fun. It’s great out here in the country. Homura-chan’s family even has a dog! Are you okay? You sound funny.”

“Uh? Oh, yeah. I’m just feeling a little crappy from the flu shot.”

“Ohhhh. That’s right, we all got that before I left yesterday. I’m kinda sore too, but it’s getting better. I hope it doesn’t last too much longer for you. Maybe since it woke you up now, it’ll be gone when you wake up for real!”

“Maybe. I hope so. Mannn… okay, Jyushi, I’m gonna let you get back to cuddling with Homura-chan, okay? Enjoy the rest of your visit.”

“Hahahhh, thanks, Osomatsu-nii-san. And you can call me again too, if you want! Maybe during the day next time. Nighty night.”

“Night, Jyushi. Sweet dreams.”

-

“Mmmf… Osomatsu? If you’re calling me, someone better be dead or dying.”

“Ahah, or what, Fappymatsu?”

“Or I will reach through this phone and strangle you like we’re in a B-list horror movie.”

“Ouchhhh, you’re worse than Ichimacchan; at least he didn’t threaten me. Are you really that cranky that I woke you up?”

“Yes, because I was having trouble getting to sleep and I just started drifting off when my phone rang. If you don’t give me a good reason in the next thirty seconds, Karamatsu becomes my oldest brother.”

“Geez, okay, okay. Sorry, you grump. I just wanted to check on you guys. I woke up feeling like shit thanks to the flu shot from yesterday, and I… wanted to make sure it wasn’t making you guys feel crappy too.”

“I’m fine, Osomatsu. I mean, I felt a little queasy earlier in the night, but it passed. You, on the other hand, sound like death warmed over. You should hang up and get some sleep. Can we not leave you alone for five minutes?”

“Heh. Guess not. Sorry I woke you up. You should get back to sleep too.”

“… Osomatsu. Wait. Did… did you call everyone else, too? You seriously just wanted to make sure we were okay?”

“Uh-huh. Well… well, I guess I’m a little lonely, too. I mean, I woke up and the futon was empty and I just… felt like I should check on all of you. I’m the big brother. So… I’m glad you’re alright.”

“Well… thanks, I guess. Sorry I snapped at you, but, I’m tired. Don’t worry too much, okay? I’m a little anxious, being so far from home overnight… I miss all of you too. But it’ll be fine. Try some breathing exercises… if you can do that, sometimes it helps you relax enough to fall asleep.”

“I’ll try. Thanks, Choro-chan. I’m glad you’re doing okay. You try those exercises too, yeah? I want you to get some sleep.”

“Yeah, I will. Thanks for checking on us, Osomatsu. You’re not a bad big brother sometimes. Get some rest, okay? I’ll call you tomorrow. Goodnight.”

“Night, Choro-chan. Sleep well.”

-

When Osomatsu puts his phone down, far enough away that he probably won’t roll onto it in his sleep, he feels a lot better.

Not that he doesn’t still feel crappy, but his headache is starting to fade, and the anxiety he felt about being away from his brothers has calmed down substantially. It means that hopefully he’ll be able to get back to sleep.

He lies down on one side, rubbing at his eyes to get rid of the tears that started up again. The blanket is pulled up, so tightly around him that it almost mimics being hugged. With any luck, he’ll be out in a few minutes so he doesn’t have the chance to panic at the sounds of the house settling or the noises outside or anything like that.

As he closes his eyes and does his best to breathe rhythmically through his mouth, he curls his knees up to his chest.

He still feels lonely.

Everything will be better tomorrow.

[clevercatchphrase]

No Ghost Switch Page Next Week

I got my second covid shot yesterday, and I am FEELING those side effects. Fatigue, chills, hot flashes and achiness everywhere. Normally I make a comic page a week in advance, but right now I can barely stay awake. I dont want to crank out something subpar, nor do I want to force myself to do art when everything hurts, so instead of stressing and forcing myself to draw, I'm just going to spend today recovering, and skip next week's update instead. Thanks for your patience~

[adiwriting]

(gif by the lovely @darlingnotso)

PSA: As I’ve stated before, I will be putting money towards the Navajo Nation COVID-19 Relief Fund every time that I post Malex fic. 

********Please don’t reblog*********** 

This is going to be the last Sunday Morning fic for awhile. Leaving it untagged with the hopes that it remains just for my followers and doesn’t attract more harassment. If you want to comment, reply or DM me please instead of reblogging.

Week 16

When the puppies start barking at their usual 6:30am time, Alex instantly regrets all of his life choices. His head is pounding, his leg aches, and his stomach is a mess. It doesn’t help in the slightest that Michael is plastered to his side, hot as hell, and making Alex sweat. 

“Why did we get a dog?” Michael grumbles, nuzzling his nose into Alex’s neck and making him feel even worse. 

“Why did you let us get four?” he asks, pushing at Michael’s body. “And why the hell are you so hot?” 

“‘s cold,” Michael says, throwing his arm over Alex’s stomach. 

Alex pushes him away. “You’re a thousand degrees and I already want to die. Roll over or something.” 

Michael groans and Alex swears he hears him curse under his breath, but he thankfully rolls over and Alex feels like he can breathe a bit as cool air hits his overly heated skin. The relief he feels is only temporary though as his mind then zeroes in on how much his stomach is swirling and twisting. 

The puppies continue to bark. It’s too loud and the sun streaming in through the window is too bright. Everything is just too much right now and Alex needs it to stop. The mattress shifts as Bell jumps up onto the bed, making the world spin and Alex’s stomach does a dangerous tilt. He’s not even sure if he could make it to the bathroom fast enough to throw up if he had to, and so he prays he doesn’t need to. 

Michael loves him, but he doubts Michael would love it if Alex threw up in their bed. 

Bell pushes her head against his shoulder, demanding cuddles. Any other day, Alex would be more than willing to give into her demands. He loves cuddling with Bell in the mornings. But right now, he can’t focus on anything aside from not vomiting. She gives up and moves to do the same to Michael, who lifts his arm up and allows her to crawl on top of him and lay down. 

“Please tell me you’re as hungover as I am,” he complains, closing his eyes against the sun and willing the world to stop. He regrets not springing for blackout curtains when Michael was redoing their bedroom.  

Michael chuckles and it makes the bed shake, causing Alex to groan. “No, but I had about five beers and six shots less than you did,” he says. 

Alex cracks his eyes open just enough to give him a doubtful look. 

“Hey, I’m not the town drunk everyone thinks I am,” Michael protests. “And somebody had to make sure that everyone got home okay. Liz and Max were a mess. Only one of you guys who held their liquor with any dignity was Maria.” 

That’s probably fair. Alex doesn’t remember a lot of last night after the first two hours. Isobel had challenged him to a drinking game that he outright refused to lose on principle. But even the first two hours, he could tell that it was going to be one of those nights. He can’t blame his friends. It’s been a long few weeks of one alien drama after another but yesterday had been a surprisingly drama free Halloween night for them and they’d all just let loose. What he can remember of Michael though, is that he’d taken things slow most of the night, taking on the role of caretaker for everyone. 

“You had fun though, right?” he asks, worried that Michael had perhaps seen it as his duty to take care of everyone else instead of partaking in the fun himself. Part of the argument for having the party at their place was so that they could both enjoy the party rather than having to worry about getting home or taking care of the dogs. 

“Yeah, it was nice,” Michael says with a smile, running his hands over Bell, who looks perfectly content. Alex is jealous. He knows that there are few places more comfortable than Michael’s chest, but right now the thought of being anywhere near the furnace that is Michael sounds awful. 

“Don’t tell Isobel I said that,” Michael adds. “I already told her we are not having Thanksgiving here under any circumstance… Which probably means I should start working on making that table I’ve been wanting to build for out back, because I’m pretty sure my protest means that we’re having Thanksgiving here.”

Alex laughs before it causes his head to pound even more and whines. “Don’t make me laugh. It hurts.” 

“I bet,” he says. “I’m not sure why you thought you could out drink my sister. On her lightest days she polishes off two bottles of wine a night.” 

“Because she gets annoying and smug when she wins and I refuse to put up with it,” Alex says and Michael just laughs. “Is Bell still wearing her wings?” 

Michael runs his hands over the fairy wings that Bell had worn yesterday as part of her Tinkerbell costume. They’d dressed all the dogs up in Peter Pan costumes to match their namesakes. It had been adorable, if Alex does say so himself.

“She didn’t want to take them off,” Michael says with a shrug. 

“Oh yeah? She tell you that herself?” he teases. 

“As a matter of fact, I tried to take them off last night and she whined and moved away, so yes she did,” Michael says. “And the puppies were asleep when I came back inside so I left their costumes on as well.” 

Alex reaches over tentatively, careful not to move too much of his body so that he doesn’t reignite the nausea, and pets Bell. “She does make a really cute fairy.” 

“Of course she does. She’s the most beautiful fairy in the world,” he agrees, lifting his head to kiss Bell’s nose. She licks his face in return. Michael turns to look at him, “Look at what Rosa taught her yesterday when they were both hiding out in here.” Michael looks back at Bell and says, “I do believe in fairies.” 

Bell howls twice as if to say, ‘I do, I do.’ 

Alex smiles, holding back his laugh for fear of making his stomach twist even more. Bell’s howl causes the puppies to go crazy from their spot in the kitchen though and suddenly everything is far less cute. Alex’s head pounds and he’s back to hating the world and wanting to curl up and die. 

“I guess I should go walk them since you’re clearly useless today,” Michael says. 

Alex throws his arm over his eyes and doesn’t bother arguing. 

He hears Bell protest before the bed shifts again, making Alex suck in a breath as he fights against his body’s urge to hurl. “Why don’t you try and shower? I’ll bring you breakfast in bed when I get back from walking them.” 

“Can we spend the entire day in bed?” Alex asks, hopefully. 

“I’ll even let you pick the movies we watch today,” he promises, placing a kiss to Alex’s forehead. 

“You smell like a distillery,” Michael says. 

Alex has a flash of Isobel breaking out a bottle of whiskey as they played Two Truths and a Lie with Maria. He’s sure that he’s got liquor coming out of his pores at this point. He doesn’t even remember the last time he drank this much. Perhaps the one time he’d gotten plastered before shipping off to Iraq the last time? The time they’d gotten into that nasty fight over Alex’s decision not to tell Michael he was being deployed again. Michael had had to hear it from Maria and had been none too pleased. 

Michael flips on the light and Alex whines. “I regret all of my life choices.” 

“Surely not all of them,” he teases. 

“Why didn’t you stop me last night?” Alex asks. 

Michael snorts. “Oh, I tried. Several times. You told me that you were a grown ass man who didn’t need a babysitter.” 

Alex grimaces, he doesn’t remember saying that, but he’s sure he probably did. “Sorry.” 

“You’re fine,” he says. “Max was way worse and far less cute while telling me to back off. You’re good.”

“It doesn’t sound like you had a good night,” Alex says, pushing Michael despite his earlier words, wanting to make sure that he truly did enjoy himself and wasn’t miserable.

“I promise, I enjoyed myself,” he says. “Rosa and I had a nice long talk. She’s gonna start working at the junkyard for me. I wouldn’t mind having somebody help run the office side of things. She loves her dad but needs some independence.” 

“That’s understandable,” Alex says. 

“Yeah, then Liz and I nerded out over science before Max stole her away. Kyle, Maria, and I played poker and I won $150. And I ended up watching Hocus Pocus for the first time and making cookies with Rosa once everyone got too shitfaced to form coherent sentences.” 

“You’ve never seen Hocus Pocus?” Alex asks, shocked. 

“Okay, first of all, why does everyone react like that when I say that? I watched it last night with Rosa and it was cute but it does not deserve that reaction out of people,” he says, grumpily. “And second of all, you know that I didn’t have any of that shit growing up.” 

“You’re right, I’m sorry,” Alex says, kicking himself for always doing that. Always reacting to experiences Michael says he didn’t have growing up with shock. Alex knows better. He himself grew up in a home void of normal childhood experiences. But he had the Ortechos and the DeLucas to help give him happy holiday memories. He always assumes that Michael had that in the Evans family, but he’s regularly proven wrong. 

“Hey, listen, go walk the dogs,” Alex says. “I’ll hop in the shower. After breakfast we can watch all the holiday movies you never got to see growing up.” 

“Can we start with Home Alone?” he asks, that light, happy tone back in his voice. 

“Of course, followed up by A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving,” Alex promises. 

Forty-Five minutes later, the entire family is piled in their bed, warm and comfortable. Alex is slowly eating the pancakes that Michael prepared him, keeping his plate away from Peter’s thieving paws as best he can. His stomach is starting to settle and his headache is muted thanks to the ibuprofen that Michael left for him before he took the dogs on their walk. Home Alone is playing on the TV screen and Michael is curled up with a sleeping Bell and John, smiling soft and content. 

And right here, in this exact moment? Life feels utterly perfect.

[sevdrag]

dreamwidth update: april becomes may

I got my second shot of the vaccine on Wednesday! I then spent yesterday in an absolutely horrible preview of what COVID-19 would have been like in my body, and seriously, thank God and Gramma I didn’t get it, because yesterday was miserable. Fever and feverish chills, shakes, every single atom in my body hurt on a pain level i haven’t had to deal with in a long time, and utter exhaustion — for the first half of the day I just couldn’t stay awake longer than an hour. I did end up taking Tylenol and it helped in the way wearing earplugs at a heavy rock concert helps, I guess: took the edge off, but you know what’s lurking there underneath. It was abysmal. I’ll stop talking about it. Anyway, I feel better today in the way you feel better a few days after you get hit by a truck, but compared to yesterday, I’ll take it.

We’re having work done on the downstairs bathroom so that Feathers (my murder husband) can move into the basement in the middle of May. This is a money-saving move on both of our parts; I’ll get some income from a space I’m not really using, and he’ll get a more affordable rent. The pandemic / quarantine has hit us both financially so we’re going to combine some things for a year or two until we have some more respectable savings available. I don’t really do roommates so it’s really going to be just like a separate rental, except he’ll come up here for the kitchen and I’ll go down there for the laundry. Crown has thrown himself into this, which is great, because up until this week I’ve been absolutely slammed with work. He’s really come through and I am super excited for the extra income.

However, it’s been obnoxious because of course there are all kinds of horrible fucknoises coming from the basement which makes it really headache-inducing and hard to concentrate and yes i know that’s what its like when people are fitting 2x4s into the frame and cutting pipe but wahhh its loud. And I’m v tired of having people in my house.

Around that I’ve been getting ready to launch a few fan projects in May that I’m excited about, trying to survive work, and trying not to get so depressed about gestures at the world in general that i spent 42 hours a day playing Sims 4. I don’t know. Having the second shot means in 2 weeks the world kind of opens up again but I’m just so. Worn. Out. From everything.

Also my birthday is 03 may and I’m turning 39 and that’s just a big ol what the fuck.

comments Comment? https://ift.tt/3ubhYSY

[dutchforstrangers]

I'm overwhelmed in the most wholesome way since a very long time and I've got some personal things to say and ranting to do while the waterworks are open. It ends on a positive note, all happy tears, but I'm just very much overwhelmed. (Genre is definitely Hurt/Comfort)

Under read more for those who want to read my personal words.

Long story short: I have an anxiety disorder (with hypochondria) and a history with being burn out. In May I got Covid and ever since I 'recovered', I haven't felt like myself from before Covid. I went back to teaching, looking back to it maybe a bit too soon and too fast, and nearing the end of the school year it means preperations for end of year performances with the dance students and extra schoolprojects. So I had a very busy and hectic last few weeks and when it was finally over last week (while working myself through digiweek) the anxiety hit me hard, making me spiral down back in the direction of a burn out.

With my sensitve body (stress and anxiety always hits me hard on a physical level i.e. giving me headaches, a f*cked up digestion and random heart palpitations) falling asleep and staying asleep become the hardest things to do. This morning I woke up after a bad night with little sleep and I found myself with all these negative feelings.

Am I good enough? Do people like me? Is there anybody reading the things I write? I'm not worth it. I should stop writing.

At some point I felt under appreciated for the things I had created. I usually don't care that much about the amount of notes a post receives. Or the amount of favorites, follows, kudos, etc. But this morning I felt like it did matter and I missed some kind of validation for all the heart and soul I put into my work. Which of course is perfectly human from time to time, because we need confirmation, preferably from others.

For example my Astrology posts. Gosh, it's a pain to write, but it's also fun to share my point of view with the world/fandom. However when I posted this one (Taichi and Koushiro) yesterday, it didn't receive that many notes yet which is okay. But it hit me that the previous post (Sora and Mimi) didn't got that many notes either and it made me sad and insecure.

Then it hit me that all my original posts (drabbles/one-shots, but also the Taiora Discord Server announcements) don't receive that many notes in comparison to other's posts. It made me think: is it because of the unpopularity of a pairing? Or is it because the things I create aren't good enough and just not loved...

Well, I think you can guess what my head wandered to.

To be clear, I'm not looking for pity points here. Not at all. The realizations just hit me hard and then two situations (or actually people) occured:

First @seventeenlovesthree (Sanni), who I talk to on (almost) daily base, messaged me asking if I rested well. I couldn't lie, so I said I had a bad night, but the conversation continued anyway talking about good things (which is good and nice, thank you Sanni).

Then @earlgreymon (Sky) sent me a message, replying to a message I'd sent her a few days ago. And I got carried away, telling her about my negative thoughts regarding the above and such...

Both ladies understood everything and they were both so sweet to me! Sky had sent me a list with encouragements and even some tips and tricks that made me smile and feel appreciated. She also said to remember that I should be happy with the content I create and that there also are 'silent readers' who might like it the most but just don't scream like we do on this hellsite.

Sanni started drawing a scene a chapter for the Taikoura fanfiction I wrote for digiweek yesterday and that already warmed my heart. But then she sent me TWO sketches THIS MORNING for the second chapter instead of one in a week or two and I was so touched...

Simultaneously Sky sent me, as a response to my birthday headcanons I had pm'ed her a few weeks (or even months) ago and my insecure feelings, an amazing list with edits SHE made with MY headcanons for ME to use and post...???!!!!

That happened on the almost exact same time and my jaw dropped. Seriously, I wasn't asking for any of this, but I felt so appreciated and loved for a moment, that my heart swelled and my eyes couldn't hold back tears. It made me realize that I create the things I do for a reason; for myself first. But that it could also inspiree others to create content themselves.

However, I was so touched by these girls and the effort they were putting into all of this for the sake of my joy and happiness? Or at least it felt like that and I'm still so in awe with that and amazed by their talents <3

So this is a reminder to myself, and who knows to others too, that good things are hidden in the small things. And that I should appreciate myself more, because validation starts with myself and not with others.

And the reminder that I am loved and that there are people here to take care of me, to catch me when I tend to fall. Or pull me out of a dark cave when I'm feeling low and heavy.

And that's something precious I will (try to) hold on to forever...

Thank you. Danke shön. Terima kasih. Dankjulliewel.

[dittolicous]

Got my second covid shot yesterday and I feel HORRIBLE

everything hurts, my back, my skin, my eyes, bluh... And it's so damn hot.... and light headed... Didn't help that I worked 8 hours today, biked there m back, and my knees n feet are screaming

but yay.... vaccination...

[trans-eddie-brock-and-venom]

Damien: a few weeks ago our doctor's office texted us saying we qualified for a 3rd Covid shot. Naturally we scheduled the appointment for the next available and got our 3rd shot yesterday. So here's how that's going, our arm hurt like a bitch after a few hours of nothing. I woke up around 4am this morning and promptly woke Venom which woke Eddie. We felt awful, thankfully my boyfriend Wolf is staying the week with me (which is why I scheduled it for yesterday) and he was already awake. He took care of me based on Eddie's instruction on what was needed (cuz I sure as shit couldn't figure it out). Venom kept me calm while Eddie spoke to Wolf and they got me hydrated and medicated properly. We went back to sleep and I woke up again around 8 still feeling shitty but better than I had before.

We've had covid twice the first time was in late 2019 just before I split Eddie (at the time they didn't know it was Covid but after talking to my doctor recently she believes it was) and the second time Eddie pulled us through. If not for him we may not have survived, he did everything necessary to keep us alive when Venom and I were incapable. The second time was much more severe than the first and our partner took care of us as well but I don't know how much good that would have done without Eddie to work with xir and follow xis instructions. So when all is said and done I'll take how I'm feeling now over that any day.

Venom: I had never experienced sickness like that before and I was still adjusting to being human.

Eddie: yall give me too much credit I struggled through that shit just barely and I'm sure if I hadn't been able to on my own we would have found a way to do it together. Glad we're keeping up to date on our covid shots, I definitely don't want to go through that again, I'm not sure I could handle that again.

TL;DR: The side effects of the covid vaccine suck but nowhere near as bad as covid does, get vaccinated folks.

[mileycfan4eva33]

Fandom: One Chicago and SVU

Title: Silence Equals Death

Chapter 1: Dear Diary

P O V: Sylvie Brett

A/N: Boy, I am getting sick of these things. But, I'm too paranoid not to write it down. Here are the usual disclaimers, I do not own any of the One Chicago/Or SVU characters that glory goes to Dick Wolf and NBC. Trigger warning for a sexual assault/ rape towards the end. Whose Point of View would you like chapter two to be in; Kelly's, Matt's, Stella's or Kat's, Or Hailey's? This fic will be told through multiple views and be a joint between PD/ Fire and SVU. Reviews are fires to my soul; please leave one. Thank You.

Gaffney Chicago Medical Center

Dear Diary, today is January 31, 2021; it is 12:56 am; I am in Chicago Med. I have to write this all down before it becomes a twisted blur of fragmented memories. Tonight was a nightmare, and a dream all rolled into one. Sitting here now on this cold steel trap of a bed, I am in disbelief that any of this happened, but it did, and it shouldn't have; if I had been smarter, more robust, less drunk, none of this would have happened. I only have myself to blame. It all started so innocently.

Now everything is such a mess; how did this happen? I am not a lovesick teenager, and I shouldn't be making these types of mistakes. If only I could turn back time and not get so damn drunk, but I can't, so here it is, the sick truth of what will surely end my career. The authentic story as only someone who lived it can ever tell it. No Disney fair-tales here, just honest raw truths, every word you will read is what happened to the best of my recollection someday I will gone, and I want my truth out there, so no woman ever has to bear witness to the pain of being raped, and thrown away as if she is the villain.

I am not the villain, but can I say I was a victim?

Sofitel Chicago Magnificent Mile

20 E Chestnut St, Chicago, IL 60611

January 30th 2021 9:35 pm

"My money's on you finding exactly what you want."

Matthew Casey's rugged, sexy voice purrs in my ear. I can't remember when he said that or why the hell he said it; my mind is toasted with the large amount of alcohol I have poured into my body. I can remember what he said after, though, because it's what I deserve. Matt had no idea back then that all I wanted was for him to say he loved me, to tell me I am beautiful. To reassure me that these butterflies I have been feeling forever are not just in my stomach, not only carrying my heart away, but they are in his as well.

He didn't, not then and never since it's been at least two years since he said those words to me. Two years since I felt a brief flutter inside my heart telling me that my feelings for Matt had changed from friendship to something a little less platonic. "God, there ain't enough alcohol inside this damn hotel to take my memory away from this pain."

"I hear ya' sis." Stella Kidd motions for the bartender to bring us two more rounds as she settles against the counter inches away from me, her elbows propping her up. "You look flushed, Brett. Are you feeling okay?" Stella's gorgeous brown eyes are wide in concern as she glances at my body my cheeks are burning, I can feel the heat descending from my head to my face making me sway in dizziness a little as I try to remember how to breathe. Funny how a normal body function can sometimes take so much damn effort it hurts. I need a minute to do nothing, not to feel, think, talk, react or breathe, but of course, I can't have that minute, not with Stella on the case. "Yeah, girl, why wouldn't I be okay?" I fake a laugh, which I don't think fools her even for a second.

"Uh, I am so over these damn things Sylvie, I thought with COVID we would escape this bullshit this year." Stella slides down my shot glass to me as she tilts her head back and chugs her shot of whiskey with one gulp. "Yeah, I would have thought so too; nothing I hate more than a bunch of grown-ass corporate men in suits pretending to give two craps about us little people."

"Amen, sister." Stella clicks her empty glass against mine before I tilt my head back and swallow the rush of warmth that leaves me dizzier; maybe I shouldn't have skipped two meals today before coming here after having no food yesterday. "So what's up with you and Kelly?" I turn my head to my right to catch Stella's eyes, glued to her boyfriend Kelly Severide, chatting with District Chief Steve Walker. Fire Commissioner Carl Grissom and the Deputy Director of Finance Gail McLeod. "Kelly's looking dapper Stella; I think someone is going to get lucky tonight." I hold my hand up to signal the bartender for another round; he fills our glasses quickly, much to my pleasure. "Yeah, from your lips to Kelly's ears, please, he's barely touched me ever since he found out that some people may take offense to me being promoted because we're together."

"Aw, man, I'm sorry he's probably just worried Stella, he loves you Kelly doesn't want to be the reason you fail because we all know you deserve this promotion. At least he cares enough to say the words out loud." I swallow the shot feeling my eyes burn badly as tears filter out. "Aw man, this shit is strong. Phew!" shaking my body out, I signal for another, hearing Stella laugh. "Still regretting telling Matt how you feel?"

I pause for a moment before I answer; how should I respond? Do I regret telling Matt how I feel? "Hey bitches." I'm saved from answering as Leslie Shay comes stumbling over, wrapping her arm over my shoulder and squeezing between us, holding her phone up with her left hand. "Smile bitches." Stella and I hold our full shot glasses up. I love this bartender; he is on his game tonight; we smile and lean into Shay, who is reeking of Tequila. "Give me some love, sugar babes." Yeah, she is drunk, sugar babes? Where did she even come up with that one? We smile brighter even though neither one of us feel happy at this moment; her eyes are on Kelly, who isn't even looking our way, and I lock my eyes on Matt, who is dancing with some woman I have never seen in my life.

The woman is drop-dead gorgeous though five-foot-nine inches is my guess she appears to be Lebanese or Latino with long caramel hair flowing down her back past her waist the silk wrap dress she is wearing clings to every unique curve on her flawless body. Matt's arms are wrapped around her waist he's dancing close with her, my heart races so fast I feel the room sway. "Love is a journey, Sylvie, don't give up yet. I know this moment sucks. I get it hurts worse than anything you've ever experienced. When it gets too heavy, when it feels like the weight of this pain is crushing you, remember the pleasant moments, the breathless enthusiastic moments. Matt's alive, and so are you as long as you live, there is hope."

I wish I could smile at Shay as a thank you, but I can't muster the strength even to attempt a smile. Seeing Matt dancing with this woman is killing me slowly; who is she? Where did they meet? Why did he choose tonight to bring her on a date? Knowing I would be at this stupid First Responders training shit, is he trying to make me jealous?

"Your Casey is out there, Sylvie, but you don't have to change who you are to find him." Gabby's words from five years ago come back to me; she did not know just how right she was when she said them to me; hell, I didn't even know back then that the man who I would want to be by my side forever, the man who I would spend countless sleepless nights crying my heart out over was her Casey. Talk to God, Sylvie, get your head straight; this is crazy pinning over a man you pushed away yourself.

Sometimes I feel so cold the way steel must feel left outside to fend for itself against the weather elements. Some days I feel broken, I forget what living is for, I forget how to breathe or even why I should keep living. Today is one of those nights; seeing Matt with this woman is breaking me; I can feel every string of my heart aching, pulling, and twisting as it stretches my entire inside into a giant trampoline my stomach turns and painfully contracts reminding me.

I am alive

Every ache and every pain reminds me I am breathing, but why I can't seem to grasp it. I'm not suicidal, but I'm finding it hard to find a reason to keep my head up when my brain is screaming at me to run away, to bury myself in Tequila and cuddle under the covers till all of the daylight fades away into a blur of a drunken haze.

"Another shot, bartender."

"Name is Josh." I turn away, not caring, seeing only Matt as he lifts his finger to wipe out a stray hair off the woman's face. I can barely breathe every effort is a raspy painful burn that leaves me gasping, trying to fight off this fresh wave of tears. "Close your eyes, Sylvie, and fucking hold it together for a few more minutes; for God's sake, don't let the man see you cry."

Shay slips her arm around my back under my armpits, quickly leading me out of the ballroom where the music is playing louder than what you would expect at a training seminar. "Remember what I said to picture the pleasant moments." "I can't, Shay..I... can't breathe." "Shh, hey, it's okay. I got you." Shay gently settles me onto a couch inside the ladies' room, handing me a cold bottle of water, which she's already taken a few sips out. Still, she lifts to my lips before I can stop her; the cool liquid splashes over my chin, dripping down what gets inside my mouth is refreshing and helps cool me off, allowing me to breathe easier. Leaning back against the wall, I close my eyes, trying to regain some gravity; my knees are trembling, leaving me feeling as if I will collapse if I try to stand.

I want to kick myself for falling so hard for a damn guy who I knew would never love me back. I knew I shouldn't have pushed Matt, yet I ignored every one of my instincts and went full sped ahead. God, I will remember that day forever- I had been avoiding Matt for days ever since the accident. Mainly because I had my suspicions that Matt hadn't just been lucky in getting to me so quickly, part of me hoped and yes, as vain as it sounds prayed that Matt had raced to me, that the thought of me being in peril had somehow overcome Matt's heart running his blood in fear.

I told myself I was crazy even to think such stupid school girl thoughts. Matt is our captain; it made perfect sense he would be worried about Gianna and me; we're part of his team, nothing more. The job of the captain is to make sure all of his team comes home safe at the end of every shift; Matt's lost too many people in his days, he fears losing anyone, so of course, the entire team raced to us when they heard 61 was in an accident.

I had myself convinced Matt came to me out of loyalty out of duty, not because he was in love with me, I am stupid for even thinking for one mil-la-second that Matthew Casey would ever love me as anything except a friend. I was doing so damn well, too, until Blake Gallo blew up all my rationalization with his account of how Matt jumped out of a moving truck to get to me. Me, not myself and Gianna but only me. Brett, I have to get to Brett, that's what Gallo recalled Matt saying.

Shattered

Read more and please leave a review at https://m.fanfiction.net/s/13807832/1/Silence-Equals-Death

[purplesurveys]

1252

A - Appearance.

What are you wearing? I have a gray turtleneck and brown shorts at the moment.

What are on your feet right now? I never wear anything for my feet when I’m at home.

What color are your fingernails? I say this a lot on surveys but mine are never painted. Nothing against them, I’ve just never felt the need to spend on something like my nails.

What does your hair look like right now? I have apple hair at the moment to temporarily get rid of my bangs, which I am more than sick of at this point.

B - Best Friend

Who is your best friend? Angela and Andi.

What was the last thing you two did together? The last time I saw Angela we went to the BTS pop-up store. I haven’t seen Andi since January, but when we hung out that evening we just had Korean barbecue and we also parked somewhere in UP to just talk about life in my car. My breakup had been fresh at the time and back then I just needed someone to whom I could vent.

What is (s)he doing right now? I’m sure Andi’s doing something with Leigh, maybe having a video call or something since I think they tend to have one every evening. I’m not sure what Angela’s up to but considering her replies have been a bit slow tonight, I guess she’s somewhat busy at home.

Are you talking to her/him online right now? Angela just replied to something I sent her around 15 minutes ago but the exchange wasn’t meant to be a full-blown conversation, if that’s what you mean.

C - Crush.

Who is (s)he? Eh, I don’t have a crush these days; too obsessed with work to figure out what I find attractive lmaooooo. I do have a main celebrity crush and I might just cite them instead so that I can at least fill this section out. 

What does (s)he look like? Curly hair; mismatched eyes; moles underneath his right eye, on his nose, and on his lower lip, and the widest smile I’ve seen on any person.

What was the last thing you two talked about? He’s a celebrity crush...

Does (s)he make you smile? Yes.

D - Dad

What’s your dad’s name? Edgardo.

What does he do for a living? He’s an executive chef for a luxury liner company. He hasn’t worked in a year and a half due to the pandemic and has stayed in the country this whole time, but we’ve *very* recently been informed that he can go back abroad in around two weeks! Of course it will suck letting go of him again after having him back for such a long time, but I’m just glad the family can finally be on track again, financially speaking. It had been something I’ve been worrying silently about.

What was the last thing you two did together? Had dinner last night, but we did that with the whole family too. We don’t really do things that’s just the two of us.

Do you get along better with him than your mother? Yes.

E - Ebay.

Have you ever bought anything from ebay? No. I’m not sure we have eBay here anyway.

Do you just shop around when you’re online? I don’t really shop ‘around.’ I usually have an idea of what I want to get myself, and it’s just a matter of finding the right shop from which to buy.

Do you know anybody who is addicted to it? I know a couple of co-workers who love shopping, like Gabi.

Have you ever sold anything on it? I’ve never tried selling, but I’m actually in the middle of doing something for the very first time – I’ve decided to get into trading! I got my BTS Butter album yesterday but didn’t get to pull the photocard I was vying for – the pull I got, though, was of the most popular member, which means it would be a very easy trade. I put the trade offer up the other day and I finally got a match yesterday.

F - Facebook.

When was the last time you logged on? Like five minutes ago. I constantly check it.

How many friends do you have? Just checked and it says I have 686. I wanna get rid like half of them though.

Do you hate when your facebook chat messes up? Hmm, that doesn’t really happen.

Who was the last person to leave you a wall post? Angela.

G - Google.

Do you Google everything? Yeah, I think I look up a random item or phrase at least once a day. Doesn’t hurt to learn a new thing each day. :)

What was the last thing you Googled? The K-Pop group g.o.d., since my teacher mentioned them in our Korean lessons earlier.

Would you ever trade Google in for Bing? No, I haven’t used Bing in like 12 years.

What do you Google the most? Synonyms, I think, since I’m constantly writing for work.

H - Hair.

Do you like your hair? It’s a love-hate relationship most days because I hate how thick and frizzy it can be...but I recently had mine trimmed all the way up to my neck and for some reason it’s taken on a wavy form, which I didn’t expect to come out at all. And I’ve found that it actually suits me quite a bit, so I’m enjoying my hair for now.

What color is your hair? Black.

What does it look like right now? Slightly damp since I took a shower not too long ago.

What kind of shampoo for you use? Just a normal Dove one.

I - Ibuprofen 

When was the last time you took ibuprofen? I don’t think I’ve ever taken it? I usually take paracetamol...idrk the difference either. Do you rely on it for everything (cramps, headache)? I only ever take medicine for headaches/migraines.

Are you so thankful people made it? I mean sure, I’m glad there are those who have been able to create products that can instantly relieve pain or discomfort, but I’m not obsessively grateful.

Do you have any right now? I don’t think we have any.

J - Jobs.

Do you need a job? Nah, I already have one.

Where do you work? Media/PR industry.

Where would you work? I wouldn’t change jobs/industries. This is where I wanted to end up in, and I’m really really glad and fortunate to have landed here on my first shot, right out of college, and during a pendemic.

How much money would you like to get paid? An additional P5k (~$100) would probably be more satisfying, but considering my parents aren’t the traditional Filipino parents who suck 100% of my earnings right out of me the second payday comes, I’m able to enjoy a substantial chunk of money to myself, give them a portion of my earnings, and still be able to save.

K - Kissing.

Who was the last person you kissed? That would be my ex.

Will you next kiss be a mistake? I have no idea when that would be and with whom it will be shared, so I won’t be able to give you a definite answer.

Do you kiss someone everyday? Other than my dogs, nah.

Who was your first kiss? The aforementioned ex.

L - Love.

Who do you love the most in your life? My best friends. I’m also doing a whole lot better in the self-love department these days, so that too :)

Have you ever been in love before? Yeah.

Does it make you so happy when you feel the feeling of love? Sure. It feels light and comfortable, especially when it’s shared.

Why is this word so hard to describe? Because everyone feels love differently. < There we go.

M - Mom.

What is your mom’s name? Abigail.

What is she doing right now? She was watching The Good Doctor the last time I checked on her like five minutes ago. It’s her latest obsession.

Where does she work? She works in the food and beverage department of a 5-star hotel in the city.

Do you two shop together a lot? I rarely do my shopping with either of my parents.

N - Netflix.

Do you have Netflix? Technically, I guess. My dad pays for it and we have a family account.

If not, what movies would you order? I don’t think I’ve ever ordered a movie before. Before streaming on Netflix, I just used to get illegal torrents lol.

Do you rent a lot of movies? I’ve never rented a movie. Was too young for it, I think.

Do you have the tool where it just downloads to your tv? No.

O - Ohio.

Is this the state in which you live in? I don’t even live in the US. Never been there either. < Same.

Is Ohio State your favorite football team? I don’t like football.

Did you know Ohio Is For Lovers? I’m not familiar.

Have you ever been to Ohio? See first answer in this section.

Q - Quitting.

What was the last thing you quit doing? Practicing on Duolingo. I had an extremely short period of using the app again a couple of months ago, but I lasted all of two days hahaha I had been trying to get back on learning Korean, but I enrolled in official lessons not long after that anyway so it didn’t make sense to continue the stages in the app.

Do you need to quit talking to someone right now? Nope. The people I’m talking to right now in between this survey are all welcome conversations.

Would you ever quit school? That wasn’t an option for me and I never would’ve done it anyway. 

Don’t you think quitting is stupid? No. Sometimes it can be the strongest thing you can do for yourself.

R - Reading.

What was the last book you read? Does my Korean lesson textbook count hahaha...if not, I haven’t really read anything in years.

Do you own a lot of books? I do, but they are all books from my childhood and teenage years. It’s been a while since I last updated my bookshelf.

Do you have a library card? No, haven’t had one since Grade 1.

Have you ever read a book that changed your life? Without Seeing the Dawn was pretty influential to me, but I dunno about ‘life-changing.’ I need to read more to find the book that would have that effect on me.

S - Safety.

Do you always wear your seat belt? I do these days. I didn’t really practice it when I used to drive to school, whoops. Always forgot to do it.

When riding a four-wheeler do you wear a helmet? I rarely get to do that.

Did you ever wear knee pads and a helmet when riding your bike? Nah. I can’t ride a bike either. Do you always think safety first? In COVID terms, yeah. I have a face mask and shield on as soon as I find myself outdoors.

T - Talk

Who was the last person you talked to? Reena. Who are you talking to right now? Nobody. It’s just me, this survey, and some music in the background.

Who did you last talk to before you went to bed last night? Angela and Reena, if I’m not mistaken.

Do you need to talk to anybody right now? No, I’m good.

U - US ARMY

Do you support it? I don’t know enough about it to have a bold opinion, considering I’m not even from the US and it’s been a while since their army has had any strong contact with my country.

Do you know anybody who is in the army right now? I think one of Angela’s uncles has a high position in our national army.

Don’t you ever wonder why their camo doesn’t match anything? Not really.

Would you ever go to the army? No.

V - Virgin.

Are you a virgin? Nope.

When did you lose your virginity? I was 18.

Do you wish you would’ve waited? Nah, it felt right when I did it the first time; and I maintain that stance now even though I’m no longer with that person.

Do you think you could have stayed a virgin until marriage? I could. Sex isn’t a big deal to me.

W - What.

What are you doing right now besides this survey? I’m also listening to mono. and taking bites from my doughnut every now and then.

What are you craving? Spicy tuna salad, but it can wait. Andi got me my favorite truffle baked macaroni because it’s CM Punk day today :D :D and that’s able to satisfy my savory cravings for now.

What do you need to buy? Shelves.

Why are you taking my survey? I’ve mentioned this before but I like categorized/themed surveys, so alphabetical ones are always fun for me.

X -Xanax 

Do you know anybody who is addicted to Xanax? I don’t think so.

Have you ever taken it before? No.

Do you even know what it is? No, actually.

Have you ever suffered from anxiety or depression? I’m sure I have.

Y - Yourself.

Name. Robyn.

Age. 23.

Do you smile a lot? Sure, I’d say that’s common these days.

Z - Zebra.

Are you addicted to zebra striped? Not really.

Do you own anything zebra striped? Nah. I have some stuff that come in black and white stripes, but not zebra print. Is anything on any of your websites zebra striped? No.

[coastaldragon]

Dragon Diary 1/7/21

So...this is my resolution for the year.

I wanted to start a kin-related diary. I found myself missing how often I used to muse about myself and my experiences here, and have long since felt...detached from myself. Stuck in the loop of going through the motions of “human.”

A week late on my first entry, but so it goes.

These entries will just be flow-of-consciousness blabbles for the most part. I’ll talk about any kin-related thoughts I’ve had that day, how I’ve been feeling, how my otherkinity has affected my day, etc.

I have a lot of catching-up to do with you all, so the first few entries may seem disjointed and a little long. Lets get started. This is long. And a bit negative. But hopefully they won’t all be.

cw for death and drug mention and health talk like needles and stuff

I don’t quite remember why I dropped Tumblr like I did. I think I was getting annoyed at all the UI changes, and just overall very busy with “real life.” These things happen. I slowly drift away from a platform. Sometimes for weeks, months, or years in this case. Then I’ll drift back. Kind of like a scrap of wood on the waves.

In the time I’ve been gone life has been...interesting. The source of the stress that caused me to awaken in the first place is gone. He OD’d in...2014? 2015? Some time around there. My grasp of time is worse than ever.

We hadn’t even known he’d be using anything. Turned out he was stealing my late father’s remaining fentanyl supply. One of those guys who preys on widows like my mother. He lied about everything. His entire past as we knew it was a lie. And he was just leeching off of us.

It was...hard. I was the one who found his body upon getting home from work. My mother is still traumatized, even now. Even after all he did. She did love him.

I think all that hardened me quite a bit. And I’m sad for it. I’m still trying to soften myself again, but my trust has never been shattered like that before or since.

My now health is...poor. I had a great job working at an independent pack-and-mail sort of place for a few years. Very laid back, when the customers were nice. Helped me build a lot of strength and muscle. Quite enjoyed showing off by hefting 50lb boxes onto my shoulders. Helped me feel less weak in this squishy human body of mine.

But about...2 or 3 years ago [again, time is a myth to my brain] I woke up and my shoulders were just.

Locked.

It felt like someone had stuck paint spanners under my shoulder blades or something. Not only that, but I was weak. I barely had the strength in my arms to lift a half gallon of milk in the morning.

We thought I’d just hurt myself showing off, somehow. So we gave it some time. Took ibuprofen, used pain creams. Took a few days off work.

But it didn’t get better. It got painful. And the moreso. And moreso. And then my back began to have trouble as well. It was spreading. I felt...ill.

So. Doctors. Tests. More bloodwork than I’ve ever had in my entire life. [10 vials at once for one appt!]

My primary, who is a garbage person I never wish to see again, insisted it was just a sprain. Or something. Whatever. But I knew it wasn’t. My mother knew it wasn’t. Everyone I knew knew it wasn’t.

Specialist time! At the behest of my cousin, who has a litany of autoimmune disorders, we hooked up with a rheumatologist. Who I will call Dr.M. 

Dr.M is an angel on Earth. I am convinced of it. A full year he spent with me, ordering tests, trying treatments, working with me to figure out what the hell was going on. And we did. And what a mouthful it is.

Ankylosing spondylitis. No, it’s not a dinosaur. [Though I do think I’m ‘hearted for ankylosaurines...I don’t think it’s related lol!]

You can look it up if you like. But basically: My immune system is fucking crazy and attacks all the things. Most places describe it as being a lower spine disorder, and while that is certainly where its centralized in most folks, that’s not all it is.

For example mine is, obviously, centralized in my shoulders and upper back. But it does aaaaaaaaaaall sorts of crazy shit. Every day is different. Joint pain, exhaustion, GI trouble, stomach upset, lack of appetite, murderous migraines. The usual for an autoimmune illness. But also wacky shit like costochondritis [painful inflammation of the cartilage of the ribs], random organ inflammation like in my kidneys [not fun], lungs [I had a 3-month stint of chronic bronchitis last winter], and even my heart [very not fun.] Sometimes it likes to attack my “integumentary system” aka shit like my skin and hair meaning I’ll have weeks where my hair just. Sheds. Like a damn cat. It gets everywhere and w/ my long-ass quarantine hair it’s so annoying.

This attack dog immune system does mean it’s unlikely for me to catch little bugs like your common colds and stuff, which is appreciated. But it also likes to maul anything else it deems foreign. Like medication! I took Humira shots for a few months and had a “paradoxical reaction” aka it did the literal opposite of what it was meant to, because the injections pissed off my immune system so much it went scorched-earth on whatever it could. Mostly my thighs, since that’s where the injections were. I still get stabbing pain in them and it’s been over a year. [No, I don’t think I can sue Humira over this. Though I have discussed it w/ my Dr.]

This also means that if I do get sick, it’s bad news. Something strong and unique like COVID? Death. Deaaaaaaaaath. Would likely trigger something called a “cytokine storm” aka my immune system nukes everything and my organs die and so do I.

So guess whoooooooo’s been locked up at home for almost a full year now? :’)

I luckily am able to work from home, though it barely pays the bills, and my health has suffered from a lack of being able to Do Stuff I normally would.

As a result I decided to get back in touch with myself.

It started with Second Life, because of course it did. A new dragon avatar came out. Shiny and mesh and easy [by SL standards] to modify. So me and a few friends [some kin, some not] made a group for sharing stuff for the av and just hanging out. It’s fallen by the wayside unfortunately but those nights spent chilling in SL with a bunch of other dragons roaring and goofing off felt really really good.

And then I made a kin Twitter. [And found some exceptionally cool kinfolk in the process.] 

Then came Othercon the virtual otherkin convention and OtherConnect, the Discord spawned from the community that rapidly formed within the con. Othercon felt incredible. Panels and lectures about the history of otherkinity and alterhumanity and how we are today and rep in the media and just so! Much! Cool! Stuff! And tons of great kinfolk too! 

To not only be within a community but seeing others like me and speaking with them, not just typing back at words on a screen. It was...so very, very reaffirming. It felt like a second awakening almost. I wanted to cry for finally, truly not feeling alone.

And now I’m here. Because I need to be. Because something, deep down, is telling me I’m going to be needing myself sometime soon. So I’d better get started.

I hope I don’t drift away on the tide again. I’ve missed this site, worse for wear as it is.

But I’m a bit tired today. A nasty headache lingering from yesterday’s nastier flare up. Accursed cold fronts. I used to enjoy them but not so much these days. Ah well.

I know there wasn’t much kin talk in this first entry, but as I said, we had a lot of catching-up to do!

[jacksonroseroth]

Broken Glass Chapter 4

A/N: So I’ll be honest...I thought my cringe ass song was in this chapter and I refused to post it until my Beta could get her hands on it...Also Covid sucks dick and I’ve been struggling and had no desire or inspiration. SO SORRY IT HAS TAKEN THIS LONG BUT I PROMISE IT’S WORTH IT! <3

Warnings: Mentions of abuse/domestic, mentions of blood, mentions of surgery

Words: 4,333

Moodboard made by me, none of the pictures are mine

~

Previous Chapter

~

“Eric.” Harlow sassed, bringing his attention to her.

“Glad to see you haven’t changed, Harley,” Eric said with a smirk. Harlow made a face at him as he looked back to Rose.

“What are you doing here, Eric?” Rose managed to get out. She took a step away from him. Already, she felt his hands on her again; Hitting, punching, slapping. Her stomach twisted into knots, remembering the pain, and her arms and legs went numb. Cradling her injured hand against her chest. Her other hand felt across the table for her glass, in case she needed to defend herself, instead, she found Colson’s hand and gripped it.

Eric glanced at Harlow and snickered. Looking at Rose once more, he said, “You should tell your girl to stay off the internet if you don’t want to be found.”

Tears sprang to Rose’s eyes as she winced. Just his eerie calm voice was as bad as being slapped around as his voice was permanently accompanied by the painful and all too real flashbacks. When he saw her flinch, Colson stood, quickly, putting an arm around her.

“You should fuck off if you don’t want to lose your fucking teeth.” Colson threatened. Eric chuckled. Rook stood at the same time Colson did and switched places with Harlow. Both him and Mod could sense this could end up in a fight and Rook knew, if Colson didn’t throw the first punch, he’d sure as shit throw the second. Rook stood at the end of the table and watched while Mod kept close to Harlow, ready to pull her away.

“What, you’re with this kid now? This skinny little punk?” Eric laughed. “You downgraded real bad, babe.”

“Oh, yeah?!-” Colson pushed forward but Rose pushed back as she said, “Anyone is an upgrade from you, Eric. And it’s really none of your business if I’m with him or anyone else.”

“Oh, honey, you are so delusional.” Eric scoffed.

“Hey. Aaron?” Colson started. Eric’s cold gaze shot up to Colson and narrowed.

“It’s Eric.” He corrected.

“Whatever. She isn’t interested so back off, yeah?” Colson said. Eric merely smirked and chuckled.

“He’s right, Eric. Leave me alone. Go back to Nevada and stay there.” Rose said. Harlow relaxed and reached out to touch Rook’s arm, silently telling him to sit and it was okay. He slid into Harlow’s former seat as Rose turned away from Eric, done with the conversation. Only Eric wasn’t quite there yet.

“Jesus, Rose. Are you off your fucking meds again?” Eric shot. Harlow lunged, trying to reach across the table to throttle him, but Mod was quicker and grabbed her waist to keep her seated. Rook was still alert as well and grabbed Harlow’s arms to push her back as well. Rose froze and Colson looked between them, waiting to see what she would do. Slowly, Rose turned to him, it now her turn for the ice cold glare. Eric smirked and added, “I think you remember what happened last time…”

Harlow pushed the men off her as her focus and concern were now on Rose, who stood cold and silent, staring down her ex. When Eric chuckled again, Rose snapped. Her right hand shot out and connected, hard, with Eric’s cheek and jaw, sending him to the ground. The surrounding patrons gasped and turned to watch the exchange as Rose pushed him onto his back with her foot, then pressed it against his neck.

“Go back. To Nevada. Fucking. Stay there. And leave. Me. Alone.” Rose hissed at him. All four of them were shocked, Harlow especially, and they were stunned into silence. Colson was the first to break when he saw the droplets of blood dripping off her injured hand.

“Shit. Rose, we have to go.” Colson said, gently cupping and lifting her hand up, pulling her away from Eric. At Colson’s touch, Rose hissed and turned, startled by the sudden pain and the blood seeping through the bandage.

“You bust the stitches. Babe, you need to go to the hospital, now.” Harlow said, stepping over Eric as he lay on the ground, holding his face. Rose was in too much shock to do anything other than nod and allow both Harlow and Colson to lead her outside, Mod and Rook following.

~

Harlow sped toward the hospital with Mod not far behind. Rose gave Harlow the keys and let Colson help her into the back seat, climbing in after her. When they all spilled into the ER, Harlow had worked herself into a frenzy and wasn’t allowed to be back with Rose to wait for the doctor. Mod and Rook attempted to calm her down, and sober her up, while Colson stayed with Rose in the room.

While she got hooked up to monitors and IVs, a nurse came in with an oxygen mask and a tank while her hand was unbandaged, cleaned up, and Harlow’s stitchery removed.

“Here, hun. Take a few deep breaths.” The nurse said, fitting the mask over her face. Rose laid back and did as she was told. After three deep breaths, the nurse removed the mask and left as the doctor started inspecting her hand.

“So, Miss...Jesper. How did this happen?” The doctor asked, pulling bits of glass out that Rose missed the first time. Rose smirked.

“Tonight or how I fucked it up in the first place?” Rose asked. The doctor gave her a look and a small smirk before he said, “Both.”

“I put my hand through a window yesterday,” Rose explained. “And tonight I punched out my ex.”

“Ah. I see.” The doctor said, trying not to chuckle. “Has this happened before?”

“My ex? Yeah.” She said with a half shrug. “My hand through a window? No. Before it was my knee.”

“Have you considered anger management?” The doctor asked with a smirk. Rose chuckled and glanced at him. Shifting in the bed, she said, “Thought about it.”

“I would suggest thinking about it a little more. The stitches were done well, but this type of wound can get infected fairly easily.” the doctor said. Rose nodded and said, “I’ve had good luck so far. Though I haven’t had to stitch myself up in a few years.”

The doctor continued on but Rose tuned him out, having heard it all before. She glanced at Colson and gave him a soft smile. He returned it and scooted his chair a little closer. Leaning on the railing of the bed, he asked softly, “You okay? Need to hold my hand?”

Rose smirked and Colson chuckled. “If it will make you feel better.” She sassed him, holding out her hand to him. Colson snickered and put his hand through the rail and took her hand, sitting back and pulling out his phone while he waited. Rose chuckled softly and turned to watch the doctor finish cleaning out the wounds.

“Alright, this might hurt a little. If it’s too much, let me know and I’ll have the nurse come back with the laughing gas, okay?” The doctor said. Rose nodded and watched as he threaded the needle but turned away when he started stitching. Her grip on Colson’s hand tightened a little, but it was enough to make him turn away from his phone, leaning toward her.

“You good?” He asked.

“Yeah,” Rose asked. “It’s just a hell of a lot better when I can chug a bottle.”

Colson chuckled and said, “Isn’t everything?”

With a chuckle, Rose nodded and closed her eyes, wincing every now and then from the pain. A small smirk formed on Colson’s face as he shoved his phone into his pocket and rested his chin on the rail, giving her arm a soft squeeze with his other hand. Rose blinked open her eyes and smiled at him as the gas finally sent her to Loopyville. Seeing him resting his chin on the railing, it made it easier for Rose to pull her hand from his then reach up and boop his nose lightly, making her give a giddy giggle. Colson snickered and shook his head as Rose took his hand again.

“You are something else, girl.” Colson chuckled. Rose shrugged and said, “I’m like a box of chocolates, baby. Never know what you’re gonna get.”

“Okay, Forest.” Colson teased, sending them both into a giggle fit.

“Listen. I can be cute and fun when I’m not high...Being high just makes me more cuddly and affectionate and goofy and shit.” Rose said. “It is not my fault if you choose to be present during a taste test, okay?”

Colson snorted and stifled a loud laugh, pressing his face into his arm. Rose smirked and shifted, glancing back over at her hand. The doctor had finished stitching her up and wrapped her hand. As he cleaned up the bloody bandages, the doctor said, “Alright, this needs to be changed twice a day, in the morning when you wake up and at night before bed. Twice daily for about a week, then once a day for another two. After the first two weeks, I’ll want to see you again to make sure it’s healing properly. In the meantime, keep an eye on it, try not to get the bandages too wet, though you can take them off to shower. If anything changes or gets worse give us a call and we’ll bring you back.”

“Sounds good. Am I good to go?” Rose asked, swinging her legs over the side of the bed and pulling her hand from Colson’s.

“I'm also going to write you a prescription for some antibiotics. Just in case, so we can stop any infection before it starts.” The doctor said, quickly scribbling on a pad before entering the request in the computer. Rose took the piece of paper he handed her and stood, immediately stumbling and almost met the floor. Colson was quick and grabbed her by her waist, helping her stand and keeping her close. As the dizziness registered and showed no signs of leaving, Rose clung to him with a soft groan, pressing half her face into his chest.

“I was going to say take it easy because the gas can disorient you for a while, but I think you’ve figured it out.” The doctor said with a chuckle. He looked at Colson and asked, “You can get her home safely?”

Colson nodded and said, “Yes, sir. Don’t worry, she’s not driving tonight.”

The doctor chuckled and smiled. “Good. You two have a good rest of the night.”

Colson walked Rose out to the waiting room to meet up with Harlow, Mod, and Rook. They had gotten Harlow calmed down and she now sipped on a cup of hospital coffee, sitting between the men with her head on Rook’s shoulder. She perked up when she saw Colson walk out and waved them over. Colson steered Rose over to them and Harlow stood.

“What’d the doctor say?” Harlow asked, gingerly taking Rose’s hand to inspect it.

“Said your stitching was good,” Rose mumbled, with a light series of giggles. Harlow raised an eyebrow, noticing the slurred tone, and looked to Colson.

“Laughing gas.” Colson clarified, seeing the question on Harlow’s face. She then nodded and asked, this time directed to Colson, “So, what did he say?”

“Change the bandages twice a day for a week, once a day for two weeks after, if it doesn’t heal all the way,” Colson said. He took the paper from Rose and handed it to Harlow. “He prescribed her antibiotics in case of infection.”

“Alright. Jesus, girl, you’re a mess.” Harlow teased, taking Rose from Colson’s side. The gas had hit Rose hard and now she could hardly keep her eyes open. With Rose’s head resting on her shoulder, Harlow put an arm around her as they headed to the pharmacy for her pills. Afterward, as they walked through the parking lot, Harlow dug the keys out of her pocket and unlocked the truck.

“Come on, babe. Up you go.” Harlow said softly to Rose, as she and Colson helped her into the passenger seat. Once she was in, Colson buckled her while Harlow thanked him, then turned to Mod and Rook. She smiled at them before she hugged Mod. “Thanks for inviting us out. We had fun.”

“No problem,” Mod said, giving her a secret smile, one Harlow returned. “We did too. I’m glad I got to see you perform...Kind of.”

Harlow chuckled and said, “Whenever I get to be in front of a crowd and sing, I always perform.”

Mod chuckled and they planned out future sessions before Harlow moved on to Rook to say goodbye, privately, and Mod left to get his car. During her goodbyes, Colson stayed by the door with Rose.

“How are you feeling?” Colson asked with a soft chuckle. Rose looked up at him and a goofy smile crossed her face, making Colson snicker.

“I’m fucking tired,” Rose muttered. Colson smirked and pushed her hair out of her face, gently curling it around her ear.

“You’ll be home before you know it.” Colson assured. “Text me in the morning so I know you didn’t die, okay? Will you remember?”

Rose rolled her eyes and smirked, pushing his face away. Colson snickered, moving her hand and leaning a little closer again as she gave a soft chuckle and said, “Yes, I’ll remember. I’m not gonna die, you psycho.”

Colson licked his lips lightly and smirked, giving a shrug. “Okay, maybe I want to talk to you tomorrow...So, text me, yeah?” He said a little softer. Rose smiled at him, reaching up to give his collar a soft tug.

“I’ll text you,” Rose said back, her eyes flickering to his lips for a moment. Behind him, Harlow cleared her throat, suddenly and loud, making Colson take a step back and turn to her. Though Harlow wasn’t eavesdropping as both her and Rook rounded the car; Harlow wiping the corners of her mouth and Rook stood behind her, smirking as he adjusted himself. Colson smirked and said a soft, ‘Good night’ to Rose before closing the door.

“Thank you, Colson, for your help tonight. I’m, uh, sorry all this shit happened.” Harlow said as she hugged him goodbye.

“Nah, it’s all good. Shit happens. I’m just glad she’s okay and that bitch didn’t try anything.” Colson said. Harlow shook her head.

“No, he wouldn’t have. He talks big but he wouldn’t do anything in public.” Harlow said. Not wanting Colson to pry any further, she added, “I need to get her in bed. Um, I’ll see you next week at the studio.”

“Yeah, I’ll see you. Drive safe!” Colson called as he and Rook stepped back from the car, heading to Mod’s as he pulled up. Both men climbed into the car and Mod waited until Harlow had backed out and pulled away before taking off as well.

“So...How’d you make out...Rook?” Mod asked with a smirk, looking at the drummer in the rearview mirror. Colson chuckled and glanced back at his friend. Rook smirked and shrugged.

“What? Harlow’s hot. Can you blame me? You brought her out for me, didn’t you?” Rook asked, with a smirk. Both Mod and Colson ragged on him while Mod pulled out onto the street and headed to Colson’s.

~

Once Harlow was on the road, she glanced at a drugged-up Rose and said, “Hey. Still with me?”

“I’m here. I’m fine. I just want to sleep.” Rose grumbled. Harlow chuckled and said, “Just making sure.”

The rest of the car ride was quiet. In Rose’s inebriated state, getting her inside and in bed by herself was a struggle for Harlow. But she managed and once Rose was tucked in bed, Harlow was also quick to crash, falling into a deep, alcohol-induced sleep the moment her head hit the pillow.

~

Thankfully, Rose slept through the rest of the night, only waking when the sun on her face was too hot for her. Groaning, Rose pulled herself out of bed and over to the patio doors, angrily pulling the curtains shut. Through the grogginess and half-open eyes, Rose shuffled back to her bed, flopping down on it with a sigh. She laid there for a moment then blinked her eyes open before rolling over to swipe her phone from the nightstand.

She was grateful to see Harlow had plugged it in before crashing and pleasantly surprised to see a text from Colson. It brought a half-smile to life on her face before she did her usual morning social media check-in before she opened her messages, responding to a few before she opened Colson’s.

Survive the night? ;) It read. Rose chuckled and checked the time stamp, seeing it read 9:40, before checking her own clock. It was only 11:30, so it wasn’t too late for her to feel bad about missing it.

What happened to ‘text me in the morning’? Couldn’t wait, could you? :P Rose replied. She set her phone aside then forced herself out of bed again, going to her bathroom to wash off her makeup from last night. When she came back to her phone, it lit up with Colson’s response. She smiled, lightly, as she opened it.

Too obvious? Ha. I wanted to check on you. How’s the hand?

Numb and throbbing. Rose chewed her lip before sending an additional text. So, everything after the punch is kind of fuzzy...I didn’t do anything when I was high off the laughing gas, did I?

You don’t remember? That’s fucking gold! Color bloomed on Rose’s cheeks.

Oh, fuck. What did I do? What did I say?! Rose groaned and dropped her phone on the bed, covering her face as she turned and fell back onto the mattress. She laid there until her phone vibrated next to her.

It’s nothing bad, babe. Just fucking funny.

Are you gonna tell me or let me lay here in shame?

There was a weird Forrest Gump reference and you...You fucking booped my nose.

“Oh, God!” Rose cried, covering her face again. She let out a groan before she responded.

Wow. Cool. Um, excuse me while I go light myself on fucking fire?! She sighed softly before she sent, I’m so sorry. I’m weird when I’m high, but laughing gas or anesthesia is out of my hands.

Nah, nah. You’re good. It definitely lightened the mood...And now I need to see you high XD

Yeah, that’s more of a fifth hangout kind of thing. You need to handle me sober first.

Baby. I handled you during a panic attack and laughing gas. I think I’m good.

Jesus Christ. I forgot about the panic attack. Colson, I am so sorry you had to see all that shit. Rose groaned and shoved her face in her pillow. Laying there for a few moments, Rose turned back over when her phone buzzed again.

Rose, chill. I’ve seen worse. You were tame compared to the wild shit I’ve seen. A small smile spread across her lips as she read Colson’s second text. You don’t have anything to apologize for. You didn’t know it would happen. Don’t trip, boo.

Rose let out a slow, calm sigh as she tried to convince her anxiety that everything was okay. Before she could respond, Colson sent his last text.

Hey, I’ve got to go. I’ll call you tonight! Rose was honestly relieved to stop texting him, at least for the moment, before she said something stupid. It was also perfect timing as Harlow knocked once on the door before opening it. Walking in with two bags in her hands, and a drink in one, Harlow plopped down on Rose’s bed as her best friend watched her.

“Can I help you?” Rose asked with a light chuckle.

“What? I heard you rumbling around in here. I knew you were up.” Harlow said with a smirk. She handed Rose a bag once she locked her phone, set it aside, and shifted into a more comfortable spot.

“What is it?” Rose asked, taking the bag.

“Breakfast. Shut up and eat. You need it.” Harlow said, taking a bagel with cream cheese out from her own bag, tearing the paper off, and ripping into it. Rose chuckled and dug into the food, her stomach suddenly coming to life and growling.

“So, fill me in?” Rose asked in between mouthfuls. Harlow raised an eyebrow. “I remember almost fucking nothing after punching Eric.”

Harlow shrugged and said, “I don’t know. I drove like a bat outta hell to the hospital. That’s about all I know.”

“You weren’t with me when I got my hand stitched up?” Rose asked. When Harlow shook her head, Rose said, “I honestly don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing…”

“Why? Did you do something with Colson? Did you say something particularly...Saucey?” Harlow asked with a half-smirk, lifting her drink to sip it. Rose let out a soft laugh before she said, “Well, according to Colson, I said my box of chocolates line and booped him on the nose-Harlow!”

Harlow snorted then spit out her sip, spraying Rose with iced coffee. She then proceeded to roll on the bed, choking and laughing. Rose grabbed the napkins from her bag and wiped the coffee off as she rolled her eyes.

“Ha ha. Yuk it up, bitch. I’m fucking mortified.” Rose said. With a final and loud cough, as she wiped her eyes, Harlow sat up, still snickering.

“Oh, God...Rosie...Tell me you didn’t? Oh, that’s so fucking funny! Damn, I wish I was in there for that.” Harlow laughed.

“Yeah. Me too. Then I probably wouldn’t have done it.” Rose said, balling up the napkins and tossing them in her trash. She sat back as she finished off the rest of her bagel. Harlow’s tittering soon quieted and tried again to take a drink.

“You talked to him already today?” Harlow asked. Rose nodded and said, “The one fucking thing I remember...Did he ride home with us?”

Harlow shook her head, licking cream cheese off her thumb, and said, “No. But he was talking to you at the car before we left. And he rode with us to the hospital.”

Rose nodded and said, “That must have been it. I remember he said he wanted me to text him this morning. I text him and said I didn’t really remember much...And that’s what he told me.”

“I think you may have outdone yourself, Rose. And you did some weird shit in Nevada.” Harlow said, ripping into her second bagel.

“Under the influence of weed, alcohol, and/or your psycho ass. Not laughing gas.” Rose said, shooting her a look. Harlow smirked and shrugged.

“I mean, he text you back. Was he weirded out by it?” Harlow asked.

“No,” Rose said with a soft sigh, sitting back against her headboard. “He said he’s seen worse, but that doesn’t stop me from being embarrassed.”

“So be embarrassed, babe. If you don’t have to see him until next week, I’m sure it’ll fade over the week.” Harlow said. With a smile forming on her face, she added, “Besides, you need to focus. In about 2 hours, Jackson Rose Studios will be open and you will officially and finally have your own studio.”

Rose smiled and gave a soft sigh. “Yeah. But I’m not calling it Jackson Rose Studios. I’ve got to have something catchier.”

“Well, like what? Jackson Rose is you.” Harlow said.

“I know. And that was fine when I was freelancing. But this is a real, honest to God studio. It has to attract people.” Rose said.

“What did you want to go for?” Harlow asked as she cleaned up their breakfast trash. Rose shrugged.

“I don’t know? First thing I thought of was Bloom Studios. I want to keep the floral thing.” She said.

“I like that! What not go with that?” Harlow offered.

“It was the first thing I thought of. I want to weigh all options before I choose.” Rose said, grabbing a notebook from her nightstand and writing down a few possible names, then crossing them out.

“You said you wanted the sign up by next Friday,” Harlow said. Rose’s head shot up and she glared at her briefly.

“I’m aware, thank you. That’s why I��m freaking out now. I need the name for you to come up with a design before we bring it to a sign shop. All within a week?” Rose sighed, pushing the notebook away.

“Dude, relax. I can come up with a few designs in an hour and a half. You think about the name and get dressed. We need to go shopping after we get the keys and I need new pencils and paints. I wanna hit the Michaels in Beachwood before we get the keys. So, let’s move it!” Harlow cried, slipping off Rose’s bed and skipping out the door. Rose shook her head and sighed before scooting off the bed and peeling off last night’s clothes as she went to her closet. It was going to be a long day, full of walking and, no doubt, moving crap into the studio. She tugged on a flowy top and wiggled into a pair of leggings. After stuffing her curls into a bun, she slipped on her sandals and grabbed her phone and keys, snagging her sunglasses as she left.

“Whose car are we taking?” Rose called from the kitchen, slipping both her phone and wallet into the side pockets of her leggings and filled one of her cups with water.

“We’re going to storage. So, unless you want me to keep driving your car…” Harlow called back as she came down the hall.

“I can still drive,” Rose said with a roll of her eyes. Harlow shrugged and went to the closet to grab her shoes.

“Alright, then let’s go,” Harlow said with a big smile.

~

Hope you guys liked it. If you want to be added to my taglist for this and/or future MGK/Colson stories, let me know! If you have any comments, feel free!

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[steelmagnoliamusic]

24 September 2020

Unexpected Music Drop: “Skinny Skinny” by Ashton Irwin from his debut album Superbloom (out Oct. 23rd).

Yesterday, 23 September 2020, at 1:17pm, while I was working on homework, my roommate notified me that Ashton Irwin, drummer for 5 Seconds of Summer and love of my life, is releasing solo material. Because of COVID-19, the quarantine cancelled their tour, and everyone got cooped up inside, but rather than take a well deserved break, Irwin decided to keep his creative juices flowing. He worked on his own music, which talked about important issues and topics he has and continues to face. From depression to eating disorders and body dysmorphia to alcoholism and addiction, we learn a little more about Irwin and a lot more respect for him.

Now when I say he is the “love of my life,” I don’t mean he’s attractive to me (I mean he is but that’s not the point.) I mean his character and personality are unparalleled. You watch him in interviews and interacting with fans, and you can tell how proud and appreciative and genuine he is about what he does and the people who support him. He hasn’t hidden his struggles, like the ones I had mentioned, but he uses his experience to help others find hope and positivity in their lives again, myself included. You can tell how much he’s grown and how much more he wants to grow both as an artist and as a person. He is, in my opinion, one of those people who can say “I love you” and never have to doubt if he means it.

Ashton Irwin and everything he’s done means a lot to me personally. As you know, I lost my dad a little over 2 1/2 years ago. My dad was the one who built the foundation for my love of music. I remember driving with him when I’d go over to his house, and we’d listen to Kasey Kasem reruns, and he could always tell you which song was playing by which artist off which album from which year. It was impressive, and I still wish I could do that. Most of the music I listen to today I got from my dad. So when he passed, there was a bit of a void because music didn’t feel the same. It was still my go-to escape, but losing my dad also made it hard to listen to the stuff we used to. And yes, I admit I’ve had a crush on Ashton for years. I’ve always liked him, and I’ve always been able to relate to him in some way. So when my dad died, Ashton became a sort of solace for me — the one who kept me sane and kept me going and told me not to give up because if anyone could understand the emotional/mental pain I was/am in, help me to love and appreciate myself again, give me some hope and positivity when I needed, it’d be him. Ashton also, I guess, took on the mantle my dad had. I get my music tastes from him because, honestly, his voice and sound and music tastes are phenomenal. Though I’m not a “musician” myself, I learn from him, and I get my creative inspirations from him. Again, for me it’s not how he looks that attracts me to him, it’s who he is as a person and what he stands for as an artist. This is subjective, I know, but to be honest, I believe Ashton Irwin is the only good man I know. Like, I know good men who have guided me in my life, but Ashton for lack of a better term is pure and real. He is the epitome of who I think a good man is. It’s dangerous to hold someone to such a high standard without knowing them personally, but it’s what I feel. I honestly didn’t think I would ever be loved by somebody. I still don’t. I’m still convinced that no one cares about me, no one loves or wants me, no one appreciates me or respects me, that I’m not attractive enough or “normal” enough, that I’m not worth anyone’s time or attention. But when I see Ashton or I hear his voice or listen to him sing, for a moment I don’t feel those things. So far, he’s the only one who has ever made me feel otherwise. Again, I don’t know him personally, and I know the version of him in my head is not who he is in real life, but Ashton helps me get through the day. He helped me get past those terrible days when I just wanted to fade from existence. His smile makes me smile. He makes me feel better. Truth: I respect and appreciate him more than words can express. He is my hero.

So to hear about this solo venture of his (don’t worry, he’s not leaving 5SOS) is incredible. To have watched and grown with him is an honor to me. For Ashton to be so confident and comfortable enough with himself, his band, his music, us, the place he’s at, it’s amazing. I couldn’t be prouder to experience this with him.

His debut single, “Skinny Skinny” is off his debut album Superbloom, which comes out Oct. 23, and it’s fucking A. this specific song brings up the reality of eating disorders and body dysmorphia — something that he, his friends and family, and many of us have dealt with. He calls out the impossible standards we hold about the “perfect body” and the body shame we feel from that idea: “eat, but don’t get fat. Be skinny, but not too skinny, show off your assets so people don’t think you’re a slut and cover up but not too much so people don’t think you’re a prude. Fat is ugly. Why do you look like that?” and so many more things that society and we tell ourselves. It’s impossible to look like those people in magazines when even they don’t look like themselves in magazines. Everyone is different — size, shape, color, build, health, basic chemistry and biology — there is no such thing as the perfect  body except for the one you already have. (Obviously, still keep your health in mind. I don’t want any of y’all to get sick or hurt because of a health issue. I have high cholesterol and PCOS, I have to think about that stuff too. But that still doesn’t mean who you already are and what you already look like is wrong or bad in any way.) This idea of a “perfect body” is dangerous. It makes us hate ourselves and our bodies, and it causes us serious mental and physical health issues, i.e. body image issues/body dysmorphia and eating disorders. Ashton said it perfectly. We don’t “feel at home in our own bodies” when that should be the one place we can always feel at home.

Truth: I’ve only listened to this song since it released yesterday at 11pm. It’s literally on repeat now. So if “Skinny Skinny” is any indication of what we can expect from Superbloom, we are in for a Holy Spirit-inspired, God-given miracle. (Sorry to bring religion out. It’s the best analogy I could think of.) Ashton Irwin is so damn talented.his voice and range are jaw-dropping and impeccable. His music style and sound are amazing. Proud doesn’t even begin to describe how much this means to me. It’s more than pride, respect, admiration, appreciation, or even love. It’s just a part of myself that I either never knew was there or how much it affected me. I know I have depression, anxiety, ADHD, PTSD, but there’s all these other things too that play in my mind and affect how I see myself and the world. And now there’s words for it, for the thoughts and feelings.

Just amazing.

I can’t wait for his album to drop on October 23rd. There’s no doubt in my mind that it will be anything less than awe-inspiring. I’m so happy and proud of him and this “side journey” he’s on, and I’m proud and honored to be a part of it.

For the God-given love of music,

Big Shot