#grateful for those that accept me and love me anyways <3

[teathattast]

shout out to the girlies that deal with chronic illness you are valid and worthy of love <3

[kindasleepywriter]

Bird of Prey - Chapter 6: Tempest

Bird of Prey masterlist. Azriel x Reader.

Chapter summary: Feyre dives into unwanted memories, and Azriel deals with the consequences you have to endure.

Story rating: Mature - Minors DNI

Warnings: Torture, blood, burns, use of the word "half-breed", trauma response. This is a heavy chapter- but balanced with fluff, so much fluff<3

Word count: 5.6k

Prev | Next

The few days spent alone with Lucien had done you a lot of good. Cassian and Nesta weren’t around often, and it was refreshing to finally let your guard down, being able to exhale after centuries of holding your breath. The two of you were barely able to scratch the surface of all that you’d lived in the last two hundred and something years.

He was completely in love with his mate, and you were profoundly grateful that the mother had granted him a reprieve and a circle of people he trusted. Elain seemed like a sweet girl- a good soul that had managed to keep her softness through unending trauma. You’d never tell Lucien that you still didn’t trust her, of course, but you knew he was aware of your ‘hesitancy to accept people’, as he’d called it once.  Over dinners and late-night chats, he’d gone quickly over the rocky beginnings of their relationship- and Azriel’s part in that turbulence- but he reassured you that there was no bad blood, and Azriel had even been to one to finally convince Elain to take a chance on Lucien. You didn’t know how you felt about that information, so you willfully ignored it.

His friends, his band of exiles, as he called them, also seemed like interesting people- especially the firebird. He was excited about the prospect of introducing you to them and, even though you were reticent to meet strangers, there was little you wouldn’t do for him. You could try, at the very least.

Then, there was the elephant in the room. Amarantha. You already knew the gist of what had happened during those fifty years, but he recounted how he had experienced it in Spring, his friends sent to slaughter in the human lands in hopes of ending her reign. He knew you understood what being trapped felt like. You’d offered him the best support you could muster, pushing past your discomfort at the subject.

“Where were you during that time, anyways? How did you hide from that nightmare for five decades?”, Lucien asked, sitting in an armchair to the side of yours where both of you were taking comfort in the crackle of a low fire in the sitting room. “I heard you disappeared during that time. No one heard about any contracts you might’ve taken.”

“Well, I didn’t have the chance to be in Velaris when the curse rose from under the mountain”, you muttered sarcastically, “but I already had so few ties to people. It wasn’t hard to keep track of them and… well. You’re aware of what I do when a messenger decides to let slip important details. They know the consequences signing on.”

Lucien winced. “Did it happen often.?”

“Only once, at the end of the first year. A shopkeeper who thought he might be able to gain Amarantha’s favor by selling me out. I decided not to take any chances after that and I took shelter as far as I could, even hiding in the human lands for a while. Any contracts I could’ve gotten during that time would’ve probably been on her orders, directly or not. I didn’t want to participate in her destruction. I did visit you in spring once or twice over the decades, though. I think I rather prefer you without the mask.”

“You’re not the only one, but I also think not ripping the collars of my shirts while dressing is really the best thing about losing it.”, he chuckled. “I’m glad to hear you weren’t hurt during her reign. She really had an obsession over you, but you never even heard about that, did you?”

You shook your head, confused. You knew she’d have interest in someone with your skillset, but you weren’t exactly well known. You wouldn’t be very good at your job if you left witnesses.

“What did I ever do to piss her off? I’ve never even been close to her for contracts, it’s not like she could’ve had a grudge against me.”

“She didn’t need to know you to resent you- You know your old reputation, Feather, but you’ve got to understand that it’s not just a rumor circulating through the undercities anymore,” he said, “People were clinging on to every hope they could during those decades. The idea of someone who had the power to take down rulers… It caught on like a brushfire.”

“But I wasn’t even there.”

“That’s a detail the common folk didn’t care about.”

“And yet, its still the most crucial one.”, you sighed. “By the mother, they might’ve thought I’d be their savior, but I didn’t talk to a single soul for half a century.”

“Now, that’s one long dry spell, I’ll say that your uptight attitude with the others is so much more unders- ow!”, he yelped as you smacked him in the arm with the book that sat on the table between you.

“If you think me not getting any for a couple years is enough for me to not check your audacity, Kit, I-“

“Now that I think about it, maybe that explains the tension between you and a certain spymaster, I’m sure after so long out there you just can’t- stop it!” Another smack, as he held you at arm’s length to protect himself from any further literary assaults, but he continued undeterred.

“I mean, with the way you’re watching him, I feel like you’re really earning your title of Bir-“ 

You clapped a hand over his mouth, hissing. “Not here!”You had no idea who could be listening in. Using your ‘professional’ name wasn’t the best idea.

He wrenched your arm away from him, laughing. “They’re not going to hurt you. They’re not who you think they are, Feathers. The act they put up before was mostly just that, an act.  I know you heard the rumors, that you-”

Your mind flipped like a switch from amusement to anger, and you shoved him away. Lucien’s face immediately went white at your change in demeanor.

“Heard the rumors, Lucien? I didn’t just hear them, I saw them! I’ll be damned before any of these damn faes fool me into believing their bullshit. The camps, they’re a nightmare.”

You were seething. He knew of your history, and to disregard their actions as mere court gossip felt like a betrayal.

“You don’t know what it’s like to see a little girl’s wings pinned to the town square because she went just a little too far in the forest”, you spat, “women carrying so many bruises that their skin was more purple than skin colored, flinching whenever a door opened!”

A soft voice put an end to your tirade. “I’m sorry you’ve been witness to such a horrible event. These clippings… They’re harrowing.”, the High Lady said, standing in the doorway of the room with her arms loosely folded as she stared at you, pain flashing in her eyes. You hadn’t noticed her, in your anger. Immediately, you stiffened and tried to calm your breathing, but struggled when you heard Lucien let out a breath of relief behind you. You fought every urge to turn around and swing at him. He’d get his verbal beating later. You forced your voice back into neutrality, years of practice aiding you.

“I assume that you disapprove of the practice, then.”, you said, venom still subtly lacing your words despite your efforts.

“Of course, I do.”, she sighed. “We’ve been doing what we can to stop them, I swear that to you, but it’s easier to try and lift a mountain than to convince the Lords watching over the camps.”

You narrowed your eyes, not offering a word. If convincing them was the problem, you thought, then perhaps a change in leadership was needed. Either for those Lords… or higher in the ranks. Still, you felt a certain amount of honesty in her words. Maybe she had a distaste for the practice, but it didn’t mean her entourage did.

She exhaled, noticing your closed off body language. She walked slowly into the room, sparing a glance at Lucien, standing still for a moment before turning back to you. “I was told you asked for me specifically, to hear what you’re willing to share.”

Ah, right. The planned dive into the most intimate part of yourself: your memories. You’d almost forgotten about it, in the comfort of Lucien’s presence. Almost.

Lucien shuffled around you awkwardly, nodding to Feyre as he left the room with haste. If your jaw could clench any harder, you were pretty sure your teeth would have started cracking by now.

“You seemed like the better alternative.”, you said.

“Yes, I know Rhys can be a little much when you meet him for the first time. Trust me, I didn’t like him at first either.”

Mentally, you rolled her eyes. What words were hers, which ones were his, and were any of them truthful? You couldn’t know.

Feyre looked disappointed at your lack of response. If she thought a few niceties would change your mind about her mate, she was wrong.

“Well, we can get started, if you’d like. This will only take a minute.”

You nodded.

She gestured to the velvet couch that sat parallel to the armchairs you and Lucien had occupied, and you sat, keeping a certain distance from her. You felt the fire’s warmth at your side. A cold shiver ran through you despite it.

“What do I need to do, exactly? Do I need to close my eyes, or…”

The truth was that you had no idea how daemati powers worked. You’d had a certain amount of training in the Dawn court against it, but it was always from a position of defense. The instinct to bar anyone from your mind had been drilled into you as a young fae, and the idea of letting someone in was making every nerve in your body recoil. You didn’t want people to see even the most minute emotional reaction, and Feyre would be privy to your entire history and thoughts.

“If you feel like you need to, you may, but it’s not necessary. Just lower your shields and I’ll make sure to keep it as brief as possible. You can go afterwards, but invite you to stay, should you choose too. You’re Lucien’s friend, he’s told us good things about you…”, she said.

You braced yourself for the intrusion, keeping quiet and watching her carefully as you dismantled your barriers, brick by brick. She seemed to abandon the idea of convincing you. You felt the soft scratch of sharp talons against them, figuratively knocking at your door. The feeling was too familiar to Rhysand’s powers, and you couldn’t help but shudder at the thought. You finally made an opening in your stone walls.

Her incorporeal presence started to sort through your mind. You appreciated that she let you see her exploring and that she focused on the relevant parts of your memories. You knew that was a conscious choice on her part and you felt the slightest appreciation for how respectful she was in the situation. You felt a warmth from her as the thought crossed your mind, immediately turning your gratefulness into wariness again.

She started at the most recent events, thankfully skipping your time since you’d arrived in Velaris, and travelled backwards in time. She saw the confrontation with Azriel in the woods, the hunt for the Illyrian spy across Prythian, back to the initial arrangement that had taken place.

You almost felt her shock as she witnessed your messenger transmitting the details of the contract, lingering on it just a moment too long for it to go unnoticed. The story of the young woman and what she suffered, her forced marriage, her destroyed wings. You felt Feyre’s fury run through you as she processed the information. Her emotional state agitated her, so much that some of her memories slipped through.

You could see her discussing with her circle in a large room, a table covered in what seemed to be reports and maps, debating on ways to protect the women in the camps. You saw fragments of her and Rhysand, locked in an embrace in the morning light, whispering about the horror they’d seen, his hold on her tightening as tears ran down her cheeks. You felt like an intruder, these were private conversations, intimate moments, but you couldn’t help but be shocked at the idea that the court really did want to change the camps. Was she the only one pushing for this, or did they listen to her pleas for change? She did hate those clippings, that you were sure of. You let out an exhale of relief, ready to rebuild your barriers.

What you didn’t expect, however, was for her to keep going. You began to struggle as you tried to stack brick after brick, shoving her out, but she was too strong. She wasn’t finished, and you were powerless to stop it, but panic ran through you. You couldn’t tell where her emotions started and when yours ended, if the thoughts running through you were hers, yours, or somebody else’s.

You tried to throw every thought possible at her, stop her descent into your past, but she was too far gone in the trauma of your past. She was getting too close, too deep, and you were shaking through it all.

“Stop.”, you gritted out aloud. “You know I wasn’t here to cause problems, stop going through my fucking past, let me go!”

It was as if she didn’t hear you, but she let out a gasp of shock when she completely bypassed your time in Autumn, flying instead to the one moment you had never shared with anyone like a moth to a flame. Ice ran through your veins. Anything but this, any other memory, you pleaded, but you were met with only growing alarm and dread. You were both engulfed by the weight of your pain.

-

“Dad, please, I didn’t think, I’m sorry!”

You were sobbing, a large weight on your chest as two hands gripped the bone that ran along the top of each of your wings so harshly that you could feel the fingernails drawing blood and ripping out soft dawn feathers. Your full feathers weren’t even completely mature yet, you weren’t even fully grown yet.

“Damn right you didn’t think, you ungrateful little shit. I was clear that you would not come back here.”, the man spit out. “You’re not my daughter, never was. I don’t care that your mother died pretending to have the right to fight. I’m not responsible for a disgusting fucking chicken like you!”

You squinted through the pain at him, his knees digging into your thorax as he held you down. You couldn’t breathe. His stocky frame blocked out the light that filtered through the shut windows, his wings fully extended as you struggled against his hold. His leathery black wings.

“I’ll go right now”, you pleaded, “I’ll never be seen in the night court again, I swear, please, just let me go!”

His hand gripped tighter, a loud cry echoing through your lungs.

“And have Arevos think me weak, letting a few tears from a half-breed like you sway me? Never, not in a million years. You’ll learn the consequences of your actions. You’ll see what happens to lowly women like you who would rather destroy a man’s reputation than know your place.”

He swung a fist at you, dizzying you as you choked on the blood now flowing down your throat. He moved behind you, stepping on you in the process, and started dragging you out the door, grabbing only your wings. You screamed in pain, sobbing uncontrollably as red-hot pain shot through your muscles and back, feathers ripping out and leaving bloody trails as your father stepped through the camp furiously. You clawed at the floor, trying to grip at anything to yank yourself out of his grip, only catching dirt and stones and your fingernails ripping.

He hauled you out to the forest, closely followed by Arevos and a few other legionnaires. They watched, laughing, as Aravos’ son handed your father a blade. Kallon. The only person in this forsaken camp who’d ever spoken to you like a person, now laughing at your torture as if you were only entertainment. The dagger radiated warmth, its metal red from where it had been laying in a nearby campfire. Your crying impossibly grew louder, your pleas ignored as you tried to call for Kallon’s help, tried to bargain, to negotiate, but they didn’t care. They all watched on with vicious smirks as the legionnaires freed your father’s hands and held your wings down for him.

You’d never felt pain like this before. Broken bones, sprained muscles, you were familiar with. This? It didn’t even begin to compare. You felt like it went on for hours, pain drowning out the laughter of the sadists that surrounded you.  You wailed and screamed until your throat wouldn’t let anymore more than pained croaks come out, vocal cords giving up on you as your spirit was crushed by the reality of what was happening. Your wings were who you are, and you knew this might be the last time you’d ever see them.

You prayed to the mother to let you dive into unconsciousness, to grant you the peacefulness of death, but your prayers were useless, and you could picture the goddess spitting at your feet in disgust. You were delirious, still feeling every touch and burn of that dagger as it sliced through your flesh as if you were a slaughtered animal, only worth anything torn apart and freed of your vile skin.

An unspeakable amount of time late, bored of the spectacle that was your murder. They let go of your body and left it on the forest floor, every shred of your body and soul bleeding profusely, meeting with dirt and moss. Fertilizer was all you would ever be, all that you were worthy of. Your breath was barely more than a whisper, a crackle of fire inside your chest. When the dark embraced you, your life draining into the ground along with your silent tears, you only felt gratefulness that your torment was over.

-

Someone was saying your name. It resonated around you despite you barely hearing it, like an echo in a dark cave. You felt the hard floor beneath you, no longer embedded into your grave as distant shouts reached your ears. You were crying, rolled into a fetal position. You were screaming, the crackle of fire and pain ever present within you.

“What the HELL did you do to her, Feyre?”, you heard a deep voice yell.

“I don’t know, I couldn’t stop falling into her memories, it was like I’d fallen through a crack in her mind! I can’t stop seeing it, the torture, the pain…”, a panicked feminine voice replied.

You were still howling like a wounded animal, your eyes closed tightly. A torrent of wind was whipping your face, sharp pain still coursing through your veins, a ghost underneath your skin. You could make out hands slowly lifting you from the ground, startling you into resisting in the darkness, your screaming turning to sobs and pleas of mercy, but cold mist surrounded you, an unknown familiarity only barely making a dent in calming you. You were shaking uncontrollably from your sobs, the pain fainter than it had been moments ago.

“Shh, it’s okay Dove”, a voice whispered to you, even though it still seemed so distant from you, muted in the roaring consuming your mind. “You’re safe, they can’t get you here. You can breathe.”

You couldn’t stop your sobs. It was if every emotion you’d ever felt, ever suppressed were rushing out of you all at once. You were drowning beneath the waves. Firm hands traced circles on your back, and a softer wind laid on your skin like a blanket. Your hands gripped the thin fabric that you felt brush against your fingers. The warm voice kept murmuring, soothing you.

You could only lay there helpless against the never-ending agony as you cried.

-

When you came to again, it was to the sound of voices again. A soft touch was running over your back.

“She destroyed the sitting room; we can’t let her stay here.”

“Maybe if Feyre hadn’t gone looking in places she shouldn’t have, it could’ve been prevented.” You felt deep vibrations against your cheek.

“Watch it, you’re clearly too invested in her to-”

“Rhys, let him be.” A feminine voice, this time. “What matters here is how she even managed to summon that storm. We didn’t even feel any power from her and then this happens… I showed Mor, and she said it was exactly like the one I’d made before she saved me from Tamlin’s manor. We can’t just-”

You couldn’t help a whimper from leaving you from the tension the room, your hands flat against the same fabric as before. You felt exhaustion down to every single bone in your body. The surface against which you laid shifted, the warm circles stopping for just a moment.

“Az… We’ll come back later, but we need to meet whenever possible. We haven’t told Lucien yet, he’s with Elain at their cottage, but I won’t be able to hold keep in the dark for long, and we all know he’ll freak out.”

“Just let me handle it for now, Rhys.”

You felt the sun harshly against your eyelids and back as you gained more awareness and tried to blink the sleep out of your eyes to grasp your surroundings. You stretched out your legs a little, the hand on your back tightening and keeping you from going too far. Your eyes got used to the light, and you became aware of the body underneath your hands. You squinted and looked up at Azriel, sighing. He was watching you like a hawk, worry written all over his face.

Wait. Azriel?

You yelped and jumped out of his hold, almost toppling over the side of the bed from the force of your wings snapping shut, Azriel’s hands stopping you from falling face first of the ground by gripping your waist and lifting you up into a sitting position in front of him.

Your eyes widened as you scampered to the foot of the bed away from him, your brain still in a fog of exhaustion that confused your senses and your heart beating like a hummingbird’s. How did you end up here?

“What- What happened?”, you said, agitated and too tired to wrangle your demeanor into calculated cold.

“Feyre didn’t have the decency to keep her curiosity under control when she paid a little visit to your memories, that’s what happened.”, he grumbled, still watching you as if he feared you’d run for the door at any moment.

His fear wasn’t unfounded. You were considering the option, still freaking out a little over the proximity you two had shared.

You looked around yourself, finally realizing that the two of you were in the bedroom you’d been staying in, a book still open face down on the other side of the bed just like you’d left it to talk to Lucien. You could faintly remember talking to Feyre, the relief you’d felt… And then the terror. It all came rushing back and you curled against yourself. Shadows wrapped around your ankles and legs softly, cooling your now overheated skin.

“She saw… she saw everything, didn’t she?”, you said, your voice cracking. Your eyes filled with tears again.

“She only saw the worst of it. She didn’t elaborate much, but I think we all understood what she’d seen.” His hands were clenched into fists, knuckles white, and he immediately relaxed them when he caught you looking. You studied his hands, the scarred skin. It looked just like the scars you carried from the torture your father had put you through.

“If it means anything”, he continued, “I truly am sorry that happened to you. It’s something you should never have gone through. To know that Arevos had a part to play in it too… We’ll deal with him.”

You looked up from his hands, a question dawning on you. “Did you… Did you see my wings?”

He shook his head. “Only the backside of them, they relaxed when you fell asleep. I was careful not to let you on your back, I didn’t want you to injure them.”

You let out a shaky breath of relief, whispering your thanks. He could’ve easily used the opportunity to examine the mess of scars that laid there, along with the only clear sign of your Illyrian heritage. Hints of it were everywhere, from the softer tip of your ear, your more angular wings, and the above-average length of their terminal bones, but you could pass as full-blooded Peregryn.  You still had the typical hollow bones, the eye color and skin tone of their people.

What stood out, however, was only visible when you fully extended your wings. The soft dawn that protected the base of your flight feathers wasn’t the pure, untainted white or vibrant gold of your comrades. Instead, the light feathers emerged from midnight-black tufts that lined the skin. Only in flight could it been truly seen, but it was enough to mark you as the one thing the population of the Dawn court hated most: A half-breed, specifically one whose father was a disgusting Illyrian.

 Azriel could’ve easily just lifted your wing and looked, and you would’ve never known. Yet, he didn’t. Your heart warmed a little from its current apathy.

“Am I cleared, then? Free to go?”

His face dropped from aggravation to something akin to... nervousness? “We know you can be trusted if that’s what you’re wondering. Feyre left you the choice of leaving, so you weren’t forced to exit the court after what happened. There’s something else you need to know before you go though, and it’s got the others worried.”

You frowned. You were less eager to depart from Velaris than you thought you’d be, but your freedom was your priority. You didn’t want another reason for them not to let you go.

“When you were reliving the memory, something peculiar happened. I don’t think Feyre was expecting it, given the look on her face when I flew in. You may have… whipped up a storm in the sitting room. More precisely, you summoned one.”

“That’s impossible. I don’t have powers.”, you stated, confused. Was this his idea of a prank? If so, it was needlessly cruel.

He hesitated, clearly considering his next words carefully. “We thought that too, but you really did create it. It was your energy, even if it didn’t feel as clear as it should. You used it like a shield surrounding you. Feyre couldn’t even get close to you.”

Shock coursed through you. You’d never shown any signs of power, much to the dismay of your parents. You’d always been the disappointment. The result of the union of one of the greatest Illyrian warriors and a commander of the Dawn court was expected to be of great power, even if considered as lesser than. It became clear quickly as you grew that you weren’t, and unable to use what little you had of it. You could fight, sure, but power? Not a chance.

“I spent the first 18 years of my life being tested relentlessly in every manner known to man.”, you said. “How is this even possible?”

“We’re not exactly sure, but the theory so far is that Feyre may have unlocked your capabilities when she went digging through your mind. Quite violently too, given the state of the room.”, he nervously laughed. “It wasn’t the first time this happened, either.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that the other day, you left a burn so deep in the doorknob of the study that I’m surprised it didn’t catch fire.”

The study? Oh. That study. Your face flushed. Knowing what you did now, you couldn’t help but feel embarrassed by your reaction.

“I’m sorry.”, you whispered.

Azriel almost growled as he got closer to you, reaching out a hand to lay on your crossed knees. “You have nothing to apologize for. I should’ve known better. God I…” He paused, rubbing a hand over his face. “I can’t begin to imagine how it felt, you had every right to end it there. I’m just grateful it was the door, not me.”

You looked up at him. His hand still covered his face, and he was stiff as a board.

You considered silently your next move. You were still exhausted, and you definitely weren’t thinking right, but you were just so tired of always pretending. Always keeping up a cold front, always distancing yourself from any who dared approach you. Since you’d met him, you’d been nothing but cruel to him. All of this for your false impression of the rulers of the Night court, and a single insult from centuries ago. Your heart was screaming at you to say something, do anything other than shut yourself off. For once, you listened.

“Look, Azriel, I… I’m not sure how I feel right now, I’m lost, and I can’t make sense of anything.” You gently laid a hand over the one that covered your knee.  “What I do know is that we clearly started off with misconceptions about each other.”

His eyes snapped to yours, lowering his hand. “I think we agree on that.”, he chuckled dryly, the hold on your knee tightening slightly before letting go. His shadows retreated from you abruptly, as if forced to. He abruptly stood up and started pacing with his back turned to you. His fists were clenched again. “I don’t want you to be uncomfortable here. I feel like I’ve imposed enough.”, he said. “I’m the one who dragged you here, threatening you with torture or mind-breaking, and it was so wrong to force myself on you then and now keeping you here with me, you’ve got enough going on as is, and I should ask Lucien to come up here to stay with you, he’s the one who you feel comfortable with-”

His breath stuttered as you threaded your arms around his ribcage after you’d silently tip-toed over to his position. You were careful not to touch his wings and you laid your cheek against his back. You felt him shudder as his arms captured yours at his front, his head dropping. The heat of him didn’t help your drowsy state but his shadows reached out tentatively and encircled you again when a sigh of contentment escaped you.

You couldn’t say why you trusted this man. You didn’t have many memories together, especially positive ones, but something in him drawn you to him like a siren would a ship. You knew there was more to him than he let others see, and your own shattered self resonated with his.

“I don’t agree, Az.”, you whispered softly. He hummed in dissent, but you just gripped him tighter. “If I’d wanted you out of here you would’ve known. I quite remember my knee doing some damage last time you hurt me.”

He laughed, startled, the vibrations coursing up your arms.

“I don’t need to start wearing special armor around you, then?”, he said.

“Not yet, no.”

A moment of silence, the two of you wrapped around each other, unmoving in the sunlit room.

“I meant it when I thanked you.”, you finally said. “For staying with me last night, for getting me out of there in the first place. For letting me fall apart.”

“I couldn’t leave you there.”, he breathed. “I felt the bargain disappear and then I heard your screams from miles away. I thought- I don’t know what I thought. I raced here as felt as I could.”

You bowed your head, even though you knew he couldn’t see you. You were starting to feel faint. Using your newfound powers apparently took a lot more energy than you’d assumed. You really needed to sleep.

Your grip on his ribs loosened as you tried to take a step backwards. Your legs failed beneath you, but Azriel, always as fast as a falcon, stopped your fall and held you up against his chest. You gazed up as his hazel eyes, lingering on his perfect skin and his soft lips for a second. A few curled strands were separated from the rest, and you softly passed your fingers through his hair, unsuccessful in your attempt to tame them. His stare was warm, and he gave you a small smile, not commenting on your unashamed appreciation of his features. You could’ve kept watching him for hours.

“I think I might need to rest a few minutes before we talk more.”

“You’ll be lucky if you’re awake within that day.”, Azriel sighed. He lifted you softly onto the bed, as if to lay you down and leave. You didn’t let him go.

“Stay. Please.”, you croaked, looking up at him. His hair was still all over the place, his frame highlighted by the sweater he wore. He looked beautiful, exhausted as he may be. The sun created a halo of light around him. An angel, you thought.

 He sat down on the bed, keeping you close as you grabbed his shoulders to pull yourself up to lay against his chest, your face buried in his neck, breathing in the smell of cedar and mist that always surrounded him. He chuckled at your tight grip.

“I’ll be here when you wake up, Dove. Take the time you need.”

You fell asleep to the sound of his breath and to the rhythm of his heart, drumming slowly alongside yours.

Banner created by the amazing @saradika!

Taglist: @sapphenaa

[heartsforscara]

“call me back?”

in the wanderer’s eyes, you are amicable, beautiful, and soft with a backbone. he loves you with his whole heart, albeit not the kind of love people fantasize about. love is not fluffy and all giddy emotions or warm hearts to him. love is painful. love is eating him alive.

in his opinion, he is none of those. he is rotten at heart, his is ugly, with scratches on his porcelain like skin spiraling upwards on his limbs, and he is so rude that his words pierce. he fears he will sully you, terrified he is but an impurity in your life who will taint you.

he refuses to let that happen. so no, he cannot give in, cannot admit to you that his pining over you has been brutally murdering him, your soft words skewering him again and again, annoyingly creating a hole in his heart only a certain someone can fill. he will swallow the words he wishes to say every single time, the three words he had practised in the mirror countless times compressed into nothing but ashes to rise from the dust the text time.

and the excruciating process has repeated once twice, three times. a science experiment should be repeated 3 times to ensure reliability, they say. is he so incompetent that he still cannot arrive at a conclusion even after the 3 repetitions?

he cannot fathom why he can’t let go of you. he knows fully well why he likes you— your perfects make up a whole list. but he is the villain. he is trying to change. he should at least not be so ridiculously selfish as to try to keep you all for himself. he breathes.

to him, you remain sui generis even in a crowd. their voices form a cacophony of ignorant fools babbling their incompetent minds away. your voice is what he describes as “grating” or “downright suffocating”, but the opposite is true, and he plays your voice on repeat in your head.

his reticent nature is one you know all too well, and yet you can tell how he truly feels. you notice his fleeting glances at you from across the room, his longing gaze not escaping you. you had wanted to express your feelings countless times, but you remind yourself; he is healing. you will wait.

but alas, a little push never hurt anyone. he is wont to your teasing nature, so when you call him, he does not think too much of it.

“kiyoshi! hi!”

Kiyoshi. the name you had bestowed upon him. it had brought him unbridled joy and confusion when he had first heard it, and to this day it still does. kiyoshi, ironically, means pure and soundless.

pure.

why would someone ever think he was pure? after all the things he’s done, all the lying, the killings, the crimes-

he breaks his train of thought.

“… [name]. hey. what’s going on?” his voice had an underlying tone of worry— he was always far too cautious for his own good.

“nothing. just wanted to ask you something.”

a pause, and none of you spoke, leaving an awkward silence.

“hello? are you… not going to ask the question?”

“ah. well, I need to hang up now. sorry. I texted you the question. and im not accepting a text response!”

“huh?”

“BYE!”

——-

he stares at your text, incredulous. “Will you call me back tomorrow?”

shit. he’s falling far too deep into this rabbit hole, isn’t he?

——

the next day, he calls you. “hello?”

“oh! hey! I assume your answer is a yes?”

“No. my answer is no.” his voice has an edge to it, as if expressing his defiance.

he can hear chortles of laughter from your side. “kiyoshi, you’re so funny!”

he dismisses the comment, ignoring how his cheeks burn at the comment. not the good kind of burn- the kind of burn that leaves him gasping, needing more.

“shut up. anyways. why go through this wild goose chase? you called me just to ask me to call you? that’s stupid. get to the point, [name].”

you stifle a giggle. “I just wanted to hear your voice, kiyoshi. I can’t see you everyday, so I just wanted to let you know that your voice is really pretty. I’ll ask you another question on text today. remember to reply, only through calls!”

you hang up on him leaving him aching. if he had a heart, it would have squeezed itself so tight it would be left with nothingness. what gives you the right to make his chest clench, to make his knees buckle, to give him hopes of a rose-tinted future?

grumbling, he opens the text.

“will you call me back?”

[willaferrreyra]

okay but like, a fic where y/n works for kendall and is arguing with him for whatever reason and he kisses you in the middle of it?

honesty is such a lonely word — kendall roy x fem!reader

gif not mine

an argument breaks out as you help kendall prepare for his birthday party

851 words

contains: assistant!reader, strong language, kendall being an asshole, angst to fluff, happy ending :)

disclaimer: i do not proofread my work so please excuse any grammar mistakes/typos. i hope you enjoy! i really loved writing this request <3

You still remember the warnings that you received when you first accepted the job as Kendall Roy's assistant.

"He's a coked-up daddy's boy," your best friend remarked. "That's a recipe for an abusive working relationship, don't you think?"

And you took the warnings to heart. During your first week as Kendall's assistant, you were walking on eggshells around him, afraid that he would fly off the handle at the drop of a hat.

But he never did.

Kendall was a good boss, a great one even. Sure, he had his moments, but he always treated you with kindness and respect. He treated you like a friend.

Which is why you were surprised to find yourself in a quickly-escalating argument with him over something as stupid as his birthday plans.

"No, no, no. Say that again," he said. "What you just said, say it again."

"I said," you began. "That this party is screaming mid life crisis tech billionaire asshole. It's not you."

"Uh huh, that's what I thought you said. What the fuck makes you think that you can talk to me like that?"

An expression that resides somewhere between confusion and anger washed across your face.

You talked to Kendall like this all the time. At this point, you were more of an advisor than an assistant. You had gone to business school and you knew what you were talking about, so Kendall regularly consulted with you when it came to business. He respected your opinion and he especially respected how you were willing to tell the truth — even if it wasn't what he wanted to hear.

But none of that seemed to matter now. Now you were just an assistant who was expected to keep her mouth shut and nod.

"Ken," an exasperated chuckle escaped your throat. "I'm just being honest with you. That's our thing, I always tell you the truth. Do you want me to to start lying to you now just so you'll feel better about yourself?"

"Y/N, I don't want you to fucking lie, alright? Of course not. But I'd appreciate a little bit of respect, yeah? I didn't ask for your opinion on the party. Your job is to listen to what I want and to make it happen. Or is that too fucking difficult for you?"

And with that, you decided to stop being civil.

"Oh you want to talk about respect?" you retaliated. "Let's talk about respect. Let's talk about how this is no way to treat your goddamn friend."

Kendall's eyes widened at your use of the word "friend". You could've said assistant. Coworker even. But, no. You chose to say friend. Kendall didn't have many of those, not real ones anyways. Instead of firing back with another insult, he just continued to look at you, a lump forming in his throat. Was it guilt? Appreciation? Anger? He couldn't tell.

"I have stood by you," you continued. "Through your worst times. Your lowest of fucking lows. I've seen high out of your mind, I've seen you break down, I mean, fuck, I've seen you sick! I brought you soup when you had the flu! I've been here, not just as your assistant, but as your friend, and I will NOT let you stand here and talk to me like that."

Kendall continued to look at you, unsure of what to say. Unsure of how to communicate just how grateful he was for all that you've done. Unsure of how to apologize. The fact that you looked so beautiful when you got angry certainly wasn't helping him come up with a coherent response.

He'd always thought that you were beautiful but something about the way you looked now, hair slightly out of place, sleeves rolled up revealing the dainty bracelet that you wore each day, chest heaving up and down as you breathed heavily. You were positively mesmerizing.

"Oh, the silent treatment. I see," you returned his gaze. "Fine, I'll just go review the fucking guest list then. You wi—"

Before you had the chance to finish your thought, Kendall's lips collided with yours. He poured everything that he was thinking into that kiss. I'm sorry. I appreciate you. Please forgive me for being a ridiculous asshole. And you felt all of it. Every single emotion he poured into you, you gladly received.

By the time he pulled away, you felt like you were drunk. Was the room spinning or was your pounding heart playing tricks on you?

"Ken, I-" you started.

He shook his head. "No, fuck, I don't know where that came from. I'm sorry. Sorry for the kiss and the fucking argument. That wasn't cool."

"You don't need to apologize," you reached out to grab his hand. "For the kiss, that is. I accept the apology for the argument."

He smiled and ran his thumb up and down the back of your hand.

"You're sure you won't be too embarrassed showing up to a party that screams mid life crisis tech billionaire asshole?"

"For you?" you laughed. "I’ll manage.”

[hacash]

I know you’re a huge Nate supporter and love to talk about all the microagressions against him, and one I noticed when rewatching is that in 2x3, when ted tells Jamie he’s starting on the reserve, he’s immediately playful with Will (“Mr. Kitman! Hit me!”) and it got me thinking how badly Nate must have felt seeing the ringleader of his bullies come back and immediately be nice to his replacement. Sort of like, “oh so you were capable of being a decent human being to the kitman this whole time but you just chose not to”

I think there’s such nuance in the way the the team getting nicer grates on Nate, who put up with their bullshit for years, especially since no one ever offers him a real apology. I think he’s definitely crossed lines, but when you look at it from his perspective, it’s easy to see how he got there. Anyway I just appreciate your nuanced takes on Nate and I can’t wait to see nick mohammed pull off another stellar performance in season 3!

Absolutely!

To be fair, I think Nate's aggression from Will stems a lot from power going to his head and being a perfectionist in his work; I'm a big fan of Nate but my God, the man is flawed. However I also think Will is a walking, talking reminder of how the team used to treat Nate, simply by dint of how they don't treat Will. He comes to Richmond and immediately gets handfuls of cash from them at Christmas, he's included in their little bonding rituals, he's part of the gang...whereas we all know the treatment Nate got whenever he tried to help the team.

(And that only finished after a particularly brutal show of strength from Roy. Which, uh, certainly gives Nate an interesting impression of what tactics do and don't work with the footballers.)

So yeah, from Nate's incredibly damaged perspective, having poor Will around must be unbelievably frustrating. He's pissed, and though he handles it badly, it's obvious why he's pissed. It's the moment when Eleanor in The Good Place, seeing her emotionally abusive mum parenting a new daughter, tearfully says that if her mum was capable of parenting the little girl then she was capable of parenting Eleanor but just chose not too. It's the moment in How I Met Your Mother when Barney screams at his absent dad 'well, if you were going to be some lame suburban dad, why couldn't you be one for me?!' - because clearly the team were capable, they were willing to be nice, they just didn't want to be nice to Nate, it must be about him, how they see him, he needs to change to earn their respect, he needs to perform those shows of strength....

...Of course, an outside perspective would tell you that the team's change of attitude from Nate to Will has absolutely nothing to do with Nate, and everything to do with how Ted's philosophy has impacted the team. (If Will had joined Richmond at the beginning of S1 I've no doubt that pre-reformation Isaac, Colin and Jamie would have eaten the poor boy alive, and the rest of the team would have been egging them on or wouldn't have dared stop it.) But Nate's not in the right place to see that. And considering all the history between him and the team, I don't think he should have to just 'man up' and accept that; he deserves that acknowledgement and those apologies. Which I am very much hoping we get this season.

[beautifulpersonpeach]

You know what I love so much about BTS's music is when you've not listened to a song or album for a while and when you do not only are you reminded of how good it is, but also sometimes songs you already like and have heard countless times before you suddenly latch onto unexpectedly. It happens to me often with their music, the latest song for me being Let me know. It just got it's claws into me on my Dark and Wild revisit and I've had it on repeatedly the past few days. I don't know what it is about them or their music that manages to just keep grabbing at you the way it does, maybe it's because their discography is so large and varied, but whatever it is I'm very grateful.

***

That’s the thing about excellent quality: it’s timeless. It doesn’t matter how old their songs are, how much you replay them, or whatever. When you listen to BTS’s music, you know it’s good because it feels incredible.

Your experience with Let Me Know is one I relate to so hard. That song was released in 2014 you know. BTS were really dropping bangers right out the gate. Like, it’s no surprise they blew up the way they did because they just had the best music point blank period.

They still do.

The songs I’ve revisited recently that made me feel similarly to you are:

- Mikrokosmos: Not a bad song at all, but one I usually skip and don’t add to my playlists because it’s not exactly my taste and it often reminds me of BTS concerts and that’s a sore topic for me recently. But I was traveling this past weekend and browsing music on the plane, and saw it then played it on a whim. And man, it hit me again just how good that song is. BTS knows how to make good music and execute it perfectly every time.

- I NEED U (Remix): There’s this view in the fandom that BTS only recently started putting out several remixes, but while they’ve certainly put out more in recent years to match pace with Western practices, they’ve also always kinda been into remixes. And back in my day, the fandom actually made it a point to enjoy the remixes. I Need U remix is one such remix I used to jam out to back then, and while playing some of my older lists recently to prepare for Hobi’s birthday, this song played and the nostalgia hit me like a truck.

- Lost: This is the most underrated song in BTS’s discography. It’s one of the songs where you just have to watch the live performance and see the choreography. It’s just too good. In fact, Lost > The Truth Untold. By a mile. Jungkook’s voice and insane runs in that song are something you just have to experience for yourself.

They dropped that banger 3 years after their debut.

- Go Go: This song is what solidified BTS’s success in 2017. Not DNA imo. Just listen to their voices in this song. Listen to how they sing, how unrefined and passionate it is. They sound like they’re having fun. I forgot about Go Go until a few weeks ago and it’s in my rotation again.

- Fly to my Room: Songs like this is why BTS is on top of the k-pop food chain. Nobody in the entire industry can arrange and pull off a song like this: choir/gospel with a fuckass organ + gutter trap + Hoseok’s verse… like, god. Those whispered harmonies in the final chorus before the crescendo outro. Jimin’s high notes…. It’s just such a serve of a song. They killed it.

- Spinebreaker: Someone asked me recently how the rapline became my bias, if I started with one rapline member then the rest followed, or if it was all at once. I didn’t answer that ask but anon if you’re reading this, the answer is all at once. I’d liked the rapline since debut but I think it was this song that did it for me. All of them on this track are insane. From the moment I heard Joon’s voice at the start I just accepted my fate.

Anyway, thanks for this ask Anon. BTS are so loved because they put their heart and soul into the music they make and it shows. It’s why streaming their stuff has never felt like a chore for me. I look forward to listening to their music every day I wake up. It makes my life better. I’m happy it seems to be at least a bit similar for you too.

[sips-tea-cutely]

Atsushi, Dazai, and Chuuya with a s/o who is v into physical affection? Like they're always hugging or kissing them?

Physically Affectionate S/O

a/n: GUYS IM NOT A DAZAI SLANDERER ITS JUST FROM MY OWN DAZAI KINNIE THOUGHTS 💔💔💔💔

atsushi nakajima, osamu dazai, chūya nakahara

@chuuyas--boo <3

#Atsushi Nakajima

tbh he’d be a little uncomfortable with it at first :(

its not cause touching is a nono for him he’s just a little unnerved from when the orphan director hammered his foot so yea 💔💔

BUT, after getting used to it and atsushi being reassured that the director was gone and even so, still deeply cared for atsushi, HE’D BE SUPER INTO IT <333

god almighty, please DO hug and reassure him, he’d be so grateful <33

oh god tho, no matter how close you two are, DO NOT surprise cuddle him or any surprise affection of that sorts. despite being pretty soft, hes still an agency member and is always on guard.

i feel like at least once, atsushi was chatting with the you and kyoka and then dazai snuck up to surprise his lil subordinate and got a black eye

its ok he deserved it/j

IDSKDJDNDN anyways omg, he’d love all the affection you’d give him and would always try his best to reciprocate

HE’D ALWAYS ASK FOR CONSENT TOO UUDHSHSJSJ

“*taps shoulder* hi s/o, can i kiss you :0? <3”

in private tho, while he’s drifting to sleep, he’d be wondering ‘am i really deserving to be loved by them? im no good at all, not good enough for them, not good enough to help anyone at all.’

plz do reassure him!! even if it doesn’t get all the intrusive thoughts away, it’d lessen them to the point that he feels that he is allowed to love you and is allowed to be touched and kissed by someone as kind as you <33

#Osamu Dazai

UGH, you’re too adorable for your own good <333

no matter what he’s doing— even if he’s with a government diplomat or interviewing a serial bomber, he’d always return the affection tenfold (bonus if the person he’s with is uncomfy)/HJ

would probably get harassed by kunikida for showing too much PDA in the workplace

“what, kunikida? am i not allowed to kiss and hug my darling s/o? 🙁🙁🙁” “dazai, you were fondling their ass. what do you mean kiss.”

okay but seriously, he’d be so touched that someone as sweet as you would want to give your affections and love to him out of all people

would probably cry about it at night, you’re way too gentle to someone as unforgivably disgusting and vile as him.

‘s/o, they’re so kind, too kind. why would they love me? ive ruined so many peoples’ lives, why would i be rewarded with unconditional love— especially love from them?’

if eventually you’d move in together, expect him to never give you any space. it is a MUST now for you to be on his chest or him on yours. it’s something so plain and simple, but to him, it’s almost like a lifeline. without you—no, he could never imagine how miserable he’d be without your love.

#Chuuya Nakahara

love? yes please!! <33

honestly, he’d just accept them. at first, he’d be a lil uneasy considering his ability. but eventually he’d come around and be much much more affectionate when receiving them <333 (snuggling into your shoulder, grabbing your waist, etc.)

still though, he needs to keep his rep as the scary vessel of arahabaki and would threaten anyone who saw his sweet, almost childlike smile at his s/o

“did my little brother find love? how sweet~…” “verlaine, i swear to fucking god if you tell anyone you saw that 🙁🙁”

is so touch starved, please oh god kiss him, he really needs it. would probably depends on when you met him; he wouldn’t accept love as great as he would in his adulthood when he was 15-16 cause of ykyk…

honestly, physical touch isnt rlly his love language, moreso affirmation and giving gifts but if it’s what his s/o wants then, it’s what they’ll fucking get ‼️‼️‼️ we slay a malewife

i feel like he’d have lots of sleepless nights thinking about whether or not he is the real, human chuuya nakahara or the one that’s 2400 lines of code.

but when he met you, those nights lessened and were replaced with thoughts such as kissing ur cute lil forehead and the moments in life that made him really happy that he was born.

still tho, he thinks you wouldn’t wanna be with a guy who’s record is everyone he cared for dying or leaving haha jk… ‘what if one day, they decide, they dont want to be with someone who doesn’t even have a family? eugh, i wouldnt blame ‘em if they thought so…’

these thoughts would always disappear the moment he saw you curl up on his side, clutching his shirt. dear lord, how could you get even cuter? sure, his life mightve been hell on earth but, if this was what it would come to, he’d do it a hundred times over.

[burninlovebutler]

1,000 Follower Party 🥹

when i came back to tumblr, i never expected to have the experience i’ve had or make the connections & friend’s i’ve made - friends that i consider some of my best friends now.

i also didn’t expect the love i’ve received for my writing, it has been truly overwhelming (in a good way obv) - my numbers aren’t the highest but i am so grateful for my time here & the people i’ve met - thank you for all the laughs, cries, screams lol they make me so happy. you all have shown me a kindness that is such a bold reflection of elvis 🥺 it’s so beautiful & it just makes me wanna pay it forward

and thank you for accepting me & letting me take up some space here 💗

**since i do get quite overwhelmed easily with asks (bc my adhd) i can’t guarantee that i’ll be able to do all of them or that they’ll be done quickly but i will try my best to do most!**

(this is long bc i’ve never done a follower celebration before so i’m making up for lost time lol prob nobody cares & this is prob lame but 😭 idk)

anyway send me an ask w one of these if u want ☺️💘

🍉 - About me / Commentary / Opinion

-tell me about yourself / introduce yourself to me if you haven’t already or ask me anything about myself that you’re curious about or just rant about anything!

-idk people come to me for advice often about random stuff ? could be anything you want or writing related! or ask my opinion on anything fandom related or not

👻 - Title Game

-send in a made up fic title and I'lI tell you what I'd write for it 💓

🤗 - Thoughts on you!

- self explanatory - if you wanna hear my thoughts about you💕

📝 - Quotes (specify which you’d prefer)

- random quotes from WIPs

- or fav quote from existing works

💿 - Playlists

2 options for this one:

Send me A or B & i’ll make/write a short 3-6 song playlist for you 💗

A - send me either austin or elvis + a fav trope / vibe / mini fic idea OR any of my fics regarding a certain scene or dynamic

B - send me either austin or elvis + your personal typa vibe/aesthetic/etc

(perhaps also include like what kinda music u listen to / any specific artist you like so i can include some if they overlap w my library ?)

ALSO - specify if you have spotify or not!

🦋 - Moodboards

similar to ^ playlists

send me A or B [+ the respective details] & i’ll make a 3-6 pic mini moodboard for you 💓

👀 - My fics

-ask me about any of my fics! send me one of my fics & talk/ask me anything about them like how i got the idea / ideas for certain plots or scenes or my writing process or my fav lines/plots/scenes or anything really idk

- or hints out of context 🤭 i love doing those

👽 - Head Cannons

-ask me about a specific fic of mine OR elvis/austin under a certain setting / trope / plot / pairing & i’ll share/make some head cannons for it

🌸 - Recommendations

-recommend some things for me! movies, shows, music, makeup!!/skincare!, tarot decks, books, anything & i’ll answer w some of my own 💓

since my writing process is rather lengthy & intricate i don’t like to write blurbs or take requests etc. so unfortunately i can’t be like y’all that can write/post a million lil stories effortlessly ☹️ i so wish i could, i’m just not built like that 😭

HOWEVER it seems just wrong for me to not include some sort of fic component in my celebration since i am mainly a fic blog SO

i decided i wanted to do a lil contest ??? idk lol

🦋winner will receive a imagine/one shot with the plot request of their choosing🦋

TO ENTER:

- make sure you are following me lol

- like & reblog this post

- comment 🍉🥀 on this post

- comment something that made you happy today 💓

- bonus entry: reblog this w proof that you took a drink of water when you read this 💗 (empty water bottle/cup or something!)

that’s it!

💗whenever the winner is chosen i will convene with them directly on what sort of fic they want & i will write one for them (tho it may take some time lol) 💗

✨contest will be open for the next 2 weeks & the winner will be chosen at random around then! [04.07.23]✨

tagging some of my fav people i’ve met through this blog/fandom 🥰

@cryingabtab @lllsaslll @presleysdarling @loving-elvis @samfangirls @bisexualwvtson @troubleinapinksuit @karamelcoveredolicity @lindszeppelin @succsessions @steph-speaks @luluthesandgoose @ab4eva @softsatnin @elvisfatass @homerow99 @michellelv @flwrs4aust @powerofelvis @elvisabutler @sournatromanoff @jelliedonut @sagesolsticewrites @fangirlwithasweettooth @thatbanditqueen @purejasmine @slowsweetlove @areacodefan @generoustreemystic @golden-kiwis

and so many more 😭 anyone whom i’ve inevitably missed due to my overly medicated rotting brain 😭

again i love you all so much 🥺 thank you for letting me be a part of this beautiful little family 🥺💗

-mel xx

[erza155-writes]

Thumbs down

Jadecest Week 2023 | Day 4 Sacrifice

Fandom: Mo Dao Zu Shi

Characters: Lan Xichen, Lan Wangji

Ship: Xichen x Wangji

Wordcount: 575

Summary:

The artform of suffering is a craft which Xichen has not considered himself a connoisseur of. It’s not that he hasn’t suffered, because the woven webs of tragedy that lead to his birth ensured that suffering would be a consistent staple of his life. There is a performative aspect to the act of suffering that Xichen, for all his talent and desire to learn cannot harness.

Too much of him already belongs to other people—his family, his clan, the cultivation world, the mass of commoners—they all lay claim to the idea of him, and reality doesn’t matter. The reality of all that Xichen is, a mere afterthought to the glory of the great Zewu-Jun. Lan Xichen is merely the necessary sacrifice to maintain—uphold, praise, revere—the idolatry of Zewu-Jun.

Zewu-Jun must be loved, and so that is facilitated through Xichen. Zewu-Jun must be praised, and so Xichen is praised. Zewu-Jun must be a defender, and so Xichen spends his life protecting others. Zewu-Jun must endure, and so Xichen endures.

In between all of that, there’s hardly much room for the act of suffering regardless of what he is subjected to.

—

The one bright spot in the macabre facade that is Xichen’s life is A-Zhan. In his darkest moments, he wakes up grateful that what plagues him doesn’t seem to affect A-Zhan. A-Zhan loves and accepts him for who he is. A-Zhan requires no sacrifices from him. All he has to do is be a good brother and A-Zhan will love him. A-Zhan loves him and that’s everything; it’s enough for Xichen.

As is the nature of his luck, it is not the same for A-Zhan. A-Zhan opens his mouth and words of love come tumbling out—

Xichen’s stomach holds a pit of vengeful snakes as it sinks to somewhere around his ankles.

Brothers are supposed to love each other. But not like this. Never like this. —

Xichen knows what is expected of him. He knows what he’s supposed to do. The problem with all of the proper answers and solutions is that they all will lead to A-Zhan leaving at some point. If Xichen pushes him away—unacceptable.

He is tired, his entire life has been one of sacrifice. And yet, life is still worth living.

Perhaps, living is a sacrifice. Xichen is familiar with sacrifice. He knows how to endure.

— Xichen is not willing to sacrifice A-Zhan. He refuses to live in a world where he has to sacrifice everything that lays between he and A-Zhan.

Xichen loves his brother, as he does everything else in life, with efficient excellence. Every step taken by A-Zhan is matched by Xichen. Every night A-Zhan comes to him, Xichen welcomes him with open arms. Xichen now walks a delicate balance of loving his brother with a fervent ardor while trying to keep himself sane.

Slowly, but surely, Xichen learns the leisurely act of suffering. He learns that suffering never abandons you once you begin the practice. It accompanies you, wraps itself as a loving noose around his neck. He learns that suffering can be found in all moments, even those of the highest pleasure. He learns that suffering takes many shapes; be it love, sacrifice, guilt, fear, or even pleasure. He learns that sometimes, suffering is pure selfishness.

He learns that for him, suffering—well, it only ever had one face. —

Xichen makes another sacrifice—he tears himself asunder. Someone needs to match his brother’s jagged edges.

—

A-Zhan’s love is everything.

-

A/N: Ok call me a 1 hit wonder cause again sat down and wrote this in like 3 hours while at the library while i was supposed to be working on my new resume

idk longform jadecest scares me, (we have too many of the same operative traumas.)

Thanks to the jadecest discord for being funny on my screen while I'm supposed to be busy at work, Thanks especially to @foxyyaoguai who is so fucking amazing because deadass if it wasn't for her this fic would not exist

Anyway this will be cleaned up and posted to ao3 some time next year

[reynanghugot]

[July 18, 2023 6:26PM] disclaimer: long post ahead. This might be TMI for some; you can skip it.

To those who are new to my dash [yes, I followed some in the last few months because I wanted to see new people], Hi, I'm Jelli! It was nice to be your mutual here.

As usual, I just woke up again because I slept late last night due to one of my major subject submissions at 11:59 p.m. Anyway, good evening. Well, maybe good morning if you are living in a different Time Zone. Here's a life update that you didn't ask for:

Well, I have a few more days before my one-week diet and my therapy. I've been waiting for this time to share what's really happening to me alone. I've been receiving messages lately; some were asking how I was doing, some were already aware of my health condition, which I have shared here, and some were just skipping those posts because that's really what they were supposed to be.

I've already mentioned this in my previous posts, [but let me repeat it again because who cares, right?] I was diagnosed in April 2023 with a non-toxic goiter and underwent surgery in May 2023. One week after I was discharged, my biopsy result came out, and I was diagnosed with papillary thyroid carcinoma [this is curable, by the way; it's just that I'm really scared at its finest because we have a strong family history when it comes to this type of illness]. Yes, you can do your own research on what that is [if you would like], but that was really the term that I would like to go for. In other words, I'm not yet done with medications, laboratories, and hospital admissions. Frankly speaking, it's really hard to accept it at first, but I really need to, because for me, acceptance is really the best thing that I can do to go on with my day while I'm waiting for my next doctor's appointment. I am just hoping for the best with my radioactive iodine therapy on the 31st. It might be a little harder for me and for my loved ones because I need to be isolated for 3–5 days and another 15 days once discharged.

Due to my health condition, I've been on leave since April 10, 2023, and I'm still not sure if I will go back to work or not. We'll see after my therapy and recuperation period. Despite my current situation, I will still be able to retain my academic achievement as part of the president's list from last semester. For sure, you were able to see it if we are friends on Facebook.

I was able to see my longtime friends from 2013 on July 9, 2023. I've been missing in action for four years due to personal matters. I had a great night with them and with our partners, just like in the old days. It might be a short period of time that has been allotted for that dinner because we have our priorities the next day, but it's really memorable for me. I am truly grateful to have them in my life.

There's nothing new that happened in my life during the second quarter because of my current situation. Aside from me trying my luck in freelancing because I really want to change the industry in which I am working, I am also just going back and forth to the hospital, and prior to that, I was given a chance to go celebrate my Birthday with @/niiiikkotin and @/p0poynawalangbasha weekend after the holy week last April 2023, visit Nikko's family mid-April 2023, and take a long week vacation with my family last May 2–5, 2023.

I think is the best thing that I could share here. If you will ask me, How am I doing? I am currently okay while I'm typing this. But still, not every day is a good day. I still have days when I'm at my lowest physically, financially, emotionally, and mentally, but I know how strong I am and I can get through this. A little progress every day is still progress for me. I hope everything goes well in the next few days.

If you reach this point in your reading, thank you for taking the time. We might not be that close personally, but I still appreciate you listening to [or, initially, just reading] my chika. Have a great night, and take care always!

[seraphicalsuccubus]

Let us know when they move with you so we can assist with getting all they need for school and supplies etc.. what you are doing is amazing. I love you, I feel confident saying those 3 words to someone willing to take that high of a responsibility for someone they care about. I hope you allow us to help are at least me. Have a great day lovely 🫶🏽

you’re very kind, thank you 🥺 it’s just what they’ve deserved this whole time and I haven’t been in a place to really help them get away from it until recently. and I know they appreciate it, they’re so grateful for me even just offering to take them with me. and I’ve already made it clear, if they hate it down there and want to leave, I’ll bring them back up north and get them settled in with our grandmother so they aren’t in our mother’s house anymore.

no one has a right to treat anyone that poorly, and it infuriates me that our mother thinks it’s acceptable to continue behaving this way at almost 44 years old with 3 offspring in total. she’ll never treat my youngest sister this way, she’s the favorite and can do no wrong, that’s how it’s been for the last 12 years she’s been alive. but the middle sibling and I? we’re practically fucking ignored and forgotten, and when we’re actually remembered? It’s just to be abused and manipulated even further. and I’m just fucking done with it.

I’m not letting them stay in that house much longer. when they’re ready to leave, I will welcome them to their real home with open arms and all the love in the world. whether or not that ends up making me the bad guy to the rest of the family after our mother starts up with her victim complex because of me leaving and taking her second child with me, I don’t care. I’ll be the fucking bad guy if it means giving my sibling a better life, genuine safety in a non-judgmental zone where they can freely express themselves, and true happiness. that kid deserves better than they’ve been dealt. and I will give them as much of the fucking world as I possibly can until they’re ready to go off on their own.

there’s no rush though, they can stay with me as long as they like. I’ll never lock them out of the house for the day or threaten to make them homeless like our fucking mother does when she’s angry, because she did the same shit to me when I was 18 too. and when I moved out, she just started projecting her anger at me leaving onto them because they were the next oldest and now that they’re ready to move out, she’ll have no one left to manipulate and abuse anymore because she won’t dare pull that on my youngest sister (she’s autistic).

but anyways, now they’ll be taken care of, supported in all their interests and passions, loved fully, and prepared for a life of their own whenever they’re ready to leave. but, honestly, even then? they’ll always have a loving home with me to return to if they ever need it.

and thank you, I really hope you do as well. <3

[nerdysleepybunny]

Hi my sleepies! I’ve been dead for a bit so I’ve decided to feed you all a lil crumb. I thought of this whilst in the shower! This’ll be my first time writing for Eret, our beautiful underrated queen. They need some more love, so I’m here to deliver. Enjoy sleepyheads!

🩷☁️N E R D Y S L E E P Y B U N N Y☁️🩷

Fandom: DreamSMP

Character(s): Eret (romantic)

Reader: Gender neutral (you/your)

TW: N/A

Style: Short paragraphs

Summary: You’re helping Eret tidy around the castle, and subconsciously sing a little song. The queen is surprised by the lyrics. <3

“Thanks for helping me, Y/N.” Eret said as he walked up to you. You were dusting the windows, Eret helping get the spots you couldn’t reach. Your lover told you he was planning to clean up the place a little, and you knew it’d be a lot of work due to how big the place was, so you decided to surprise her by helping out! You showed up with some cleaning supplies, knowing you were welcome into the castle anytime, and the king of the SMP was more than grateful.

“Mhm!” You responded, too focused on cleaning. Eret took your duster from you, saying he could take over and suggested you organize chests instead. Your arms were getting tired from constantly having to extend then to reach the higher spots, so you gladly accepted your new task.

The silence was always comfortable with Eret. The two of you could sit and say nothing for hours without it becoming awkward. Just laying and relaxing in their embrace was more than comfortable, and you knew they felt the same. Though at this moment, you wanted something to fill the silence, and since you didn’t have a jukebox on you, you’d have to settle for the next best thing. Singing.

“I heard there was a special place, where men could go and emancipate, the brutality and the tyranny of their rulers…” The king froze. She’d heard this song many times before. They had to admit, it was a beautiful melody. She just didn’t enjoy the newer version of the song, specifically the part where her name was included. He hadn’t heard this song in ages. But he didn’t want to interrupt you, so she instead continued to clean and braced for what was coming up.

“Well this place is real, you needn’t fret! With Wilbur, Tommy, Tubbo, and Eret! It’s a very big and not blown up L’manberg!” This time, Eret turned and looked at you. Had he heard that correctly? She watched as you were crouched down, throwing some things onto the floor into multiple piles, before putting those piles into their own chests. You felt eyes on you, and had to hide your smile. You didn’t know why this one was the first song that came to mind, but you decided to sing it anyway. Although you decided to switch up the lyrics to see how your royal partner would react.

“My L’Manberg, my L’manberg, my L’manberg, my L’manberg…” You finished, finally finishing up with your chore. You heard the sound of Eret’s boots hitting the wooden floors approaching you, before feeling arms wrap around your waist and your queen nuzzling her face into your neck. You smiled and moved your hand up to play with some of his hair.

“Y/N…”

“Hm?”

“Thank you for including me, darling.” You felt him press a kiss to your neck, trailing up to your cheek. You giggled and shifted to place a peck on his lips.

“Anything for you, my queen.” You replied, wrapping your arms around their neck and pulling them close to you. Maybe the cleaning could wait for another day. <33

🩷☁️N E R D Y S L E E P Y B U N N Y☁️🩷

It always makes me sad when I hear the newer version of the L'manburg anthem were they say "fuck Eret" sooo I wanted to give our monarch some love! :D

Honestly, I’m not too sure how I feel about the DreamSMP ending. I’m kind of glad it ended, and I see why they did it, as it wouldn’t have been the same without Techno. But at the same time, I’m gonna miss everything. But like Tubbo said, everything must come to an end eventually. I’ll continue to write for the fandom, so feel free to go all out with DSMP asks once requests are opened again. I want to help keep this fandom alive. Just remember that things will get better, and you can take as much time as you need to heal. The news hit us all hard, you’re allowed to mourn in any way you see fit for as long as you want to. Take care of yourself, for him, for them, and for me. I love you all. Take care. 💗

[kuroonir]

Being in a Poly without a partner.

So in my lack of knowledge I actually don't know if this concept is a common thing within poly groups or if its more on the rare side. Either way this is my experience with accepting that I was a part of one without actually having a partner within it.

For a bit of context my experience with the group is mostly within a discord server specifically for those the owner of the server thought were close enough to be in it and their partners, solidifying the poly. Essentially it was 3 people (including me) and 3 partners making 7 in total.

For a while it was just kinda a convenient place for us to hang out but eventually the owner just outright called the server a poly which is how I ended up finding out that I was a part of it. Normally I would've been delighted to find that out! However.. I was still recovering from one of the lowest points of my life so I ended up having a small existential crisis when I found out. I was still happy of course but the crisis came from half me still being extremely hard on myself and going "I don't deserve to be a part of this group" and half genuinely being really confused with how I could be a part of a poly were no one considered me their partner.

Eventually they helped me calm down and I managed to convince myself that I was just happy about being a part of the poly. As time went on I really did accept it and was happy about it but.. another question came to my mind: "What do I meant to them?". They loved me but didn't consider me a partner so.. what was I to them? I couldn't take it anymore so I outright asked a couple of the ones I spend the most time with, the other I know what I am to her since I consider her my mother figure so at least I felt confident in that.

One of them pretty bluntly told me something along the lines of "does it really matter? is having a socially accepted term for this really that important to you?" which.. kinda upset me at the time since I didn't know the answer to either and it also didn't give me an answer to what I desperately wanted to know. The other said something along the lines of "That's a good question!" which frustrated me a little at the time but both assured me that they loved me and that was the actually important part of our relationship. They were both right to tell me those things I now think. It help me put a lot of things into perspective.

Its been a long time since I asked them this and honestly I still don't know what I mean to them. But.. honestly I don't really care anymore? Never have I felt more loved and accepted when I'm with them, they treat me with respect and see me as an equal (when they're not bullying me to oblivion anyway >>). I get to tell them how much I love them every day and they tell me how much they love me the same. Whenever I discover something new about myself they cheer me on and try to help and let me know how proud they are for figuring something like that out. They've beaten the negativity out of myself and literally pulled me out of the lowest point in my life.. I love them so much and I'm tearing up even writing this with how much they mean to me... None of them may call me their girlfriend but that doesn't matter. Genuine love can be shown without it having to be romantic and I'm lucky enough to be shown that genuine love every day. It's honestly torture having to wait for weekends to properly hang out with them all night.

My experience with being in a poly without a partner has essentially saved me and there is no way I'll ever be able to express just how grateful I am to them.

[blackbutler-readerinsertsandjunk]

Can I request maybe a fluffy headcanon of Alois seeing Luka again ((the REAL luka)) through the help of his very Close Scientist Friend who did it as a surprise for him?..I just want to see those two children happy ;W;

Have a nice day/night/Dawn/afternoon/etc. ^^

aaaaaa my heart ;w;

you have a good one too!! <3

He doesn’t believe it at first. He can’t. It’s sort of hard for his friend to watch, maybe, because Alois’ initial reaction is to wonder why his mind is still torturing him. (… He sees Luka in his mind’s eye a lot. Sometimes he’s convinced he sees his brother in real life even though he knows it’s not possible. He definitely hallucinates Luka at times.) He tries very hard to ignore it in the beginning, convinced that it’s his mind playing a trick on him.

It only sinks in when suddenly Luka is holding him, overjoyed at being alive again and getting to see his big brother again. And then Alois is forced to accept the reality that his little brother is back, somehow, and it defies all logic but then again he’s never cared for logic anyway. A long time is spent just in each other’s arms, crying, hidden away from the rest of the world so they can reacquaint themselves with each other in private. Though, of course, (Name) is very welcome inside the manor anywhere they’d like.

There’s no way Alois can ever really thank them for this, is there? Every single idea that he comes up with to pay them back pales in comparison to someone literally raising the dead for their friend. At last, if (Name) just tells him they don’t need nor want anything in return, he simply decides that the best gift he could give them to show his gratitude is to continue being a good friend to them. “That’s why I wanted to do this for you in the first place, you know? Because you’re my friend. You’ve already paid me back a hundred times over just by loving me and being there for me.” H-he’s not crying, what are they talking about?!

While he doesn’t know the ins and outs of the whole process, he’s just glad he has his brother back… and that Luka is around the age he’s supposed to be. Though he would have been ecstatic either way, Alois is eternally grateful that Luka didn’t come back at the age he died. It would be endlessly awkward if Alois had grown up while Luka was still three years old when he came back. He’s not sure how (Name) did it; he’s just thankful he isn’t going to be babysitting!

… Is his life complete now? It might be. Sure, he doesn’t have a good set of parents or anything. Sure, Claude will probably never love him. Sure, the shroud of all his trauma still hang over him like ghosts in a funeral parlor. But… Alois has just gotten something back which he thought was lost forever ― his relationship with Luka, moving forward and evolving and his brother in his life again. As long as he has Luka and (Name) by his side, he thinks he can face anything, no matter how terrible.

[musette22]

there's a new rumor about bucky getting his own Disney plus show 🙄🙄🙄 and I hope it isn't true but even seeing the rumor annoyed me so bad. that would b such a waste of time. 🙄 Sebastian is doing very good outside the mcu and with his indie projects. i hope he realizes that because sometimes i feel like he's still saying yes to marvel only because he's grateful but ugh 🙄🙄🙄 I'm so mad lol. i the other hand, feige did say yesterday that there will be less shows to avoid saturation and given that there are already like 5 or 6 upcoming Disney shows, i hope this rumor isn't real. i don't even understand how some fans can get excited about it 🙄🙄🙄

Yeah, I saw that rumour, and I got a few more asks about it, but I'm just going to answer one, because it's not something I want to talk about in general, and especially not when it's only a rumour at this point.

I REALLY hope this isn't true, pretty much for the reasons you listed and some additional ones @becccaagain mentioned in the reblog of this post (I'd rather not reblog the post itself because I don't want to have that rumour on my blog like that). I think if there's one reason Seb keeps saying yes to more Marvel, then it's the paycheck rather than that he's grateful, to be honest. I'm sure he knows that he's in a better position now than he used to be, and I'm sure he's business-minded enough to realise that he doesn't doesn't have to take literally any job he can get anymore, at this point.

But while I can't begrudge him wanting to get those paychecks (whether it's for personal reasons or for professional ones, such as wanting to produce more in the future) I am begging him to stop accepting Marvel gigs if he has any choice in the matter lol. He doesn't seem to get much out of them anymore creatively and artistically speaking at this point, and if he did do more Marvel, it'd probably go at the expense of other projects that could actually bring him those new, challenging, fulfilling experiences he's always looking for and advance his career in a way that will mean he'll get more and more of those opportunities, plus more money eventually.

And from my personal perspective, I just want them to leave Bucky alone already. They have mistreated him for years, and he just deserves to rest, goddammit. Bucky is literally one of my two favourite characters of all time, so I'm not saying this lightly. But at this point, I don't trust Marvel with him anymore at all. There is no way they'd suddenly start doing him justice (it's gone too far for that already anyway), and I am not interested in seeing him be mistreated more, and get further and further away from the Bucky I fell in love with (and that is not Sebastian's fault, by the way - he's always done the best with what he was given, but he just has been given fuck all in the past few years). So yes, anyway - this is still just a rumour at this point, so let's hope it's disproven soon. And if not, well, that would suck but we'd deal with it, I guess (again).

And just a little disclaimer at the end here: this is my personal opinion. I personally am not excited at the prospect at all, but I know there are people who are, and that's great for them, truly. So I don't blame anyone for having a different opinion, but I'm also not interested in arguing about this. Let's just agree to disagree and move on <3