#guess we’ll see in like 25 years

[milligramspoison]

The best turn of events

[lu-vin-it]

Fate

── ⋅⋅⋅ ────꒰ ୨ ♡ ୧ ꒱───────

Summary: Daryl and Y/N are split at the beginning of the apocalypse. When a new group comes to the farm, maybe fate will be on your side.

Pairing: Daryl Dixon X Reader

Pronouns Used: None mentioned

Word Count: 1,903

Warnings: Mention of weed/smoking, i think mention of alcohol too. also minors having sex, not explicit but it is hinted that Daryl hooked up w/ a girl when he was 15

A/N: Ty @stqrluvr for proofreading ily bf!!!

Edit: Hey! After reading the comics I realized that Daryl isn’t in his 30s when the apocalypse started so i changed the years up a bit! for context: Carol is 25 and he’s supposed to be younger than her according to some sources so I went with that.

Aprox. 1999- Daryl and Y/N are 13 and 14 respectively .

“Y/N, this is Daryl. Why don’t y’all two go play up in your room while the grown ups talk?” Your Dad said, a blonde boy who looked about your age stood behind him with his dad and older brother. 

“I have homework, Dadd-“ You stopped when you saw the anger fester on your Dad’s face. “Uh.. we’ll go on a walk.” 

“Alright.. why don’t you go to the gas station..” he reaches into his pocket and takes out his wallet, handing you a ten dollar bill. “get somethin’ for yourself and your new friend.” You took the money and nodded before closing your notebook and walking past the men. Daryl followed you. 

“Son of bitch treats me like I’m six and not fourteen..” You turned to the boy. “Wanna get some candy?” 

“You buyin’?” You laugh and nod.

“C’mon.” You nod at the direction of the highway. He smiled and followed you. 

Aprox. 2001

“Daryl, wake the fuck up. I’m gonna leave in ten minutes with or without you, you fuckin’ ass.” You yell into your best friend’s room. Sighing, you put your hand against your forehead and walked to the living room. 

“Y/N.. how old are you now?” You look up to see Merle Dixon creepily staring at you. 

“Not old enough… I will never be old enough..” You gag. 

“Well you’re the one who came into my house lookin like that.” He licks his lips. 

“Yeah. I sure did. For Daryl. Go fuck yourself, Merle.” You flip him the bird. 

“Shit, sorry Y/N. I overslept.” You turn around to see Daryl leaving his room shirtless, a girl, who you recognized from school, but not well enough to know the name of, walks out behind him. She stands awkwardly for a moment before waving at you and leaving. 

“And who was that?” You asked, wiggling your eyebrows.

“Er.. Sandy. I think. I dunno.. I was drunk as shit yesterday.” You laugh to cover up the jealousness you felt.

“Please..” You say, still laughing. “Hurry up and get dressed before I leave you here to go to this lake by myself.” You shake your head and walk out of the house to your car. 

Aprox. 2007

“I don’t get it dude.” You said, shaking your head. Daryl sighs.

“There ain’t nothin’ to get. He’s a cheatin’ asshole who would have done the same thing to anyone.” You glance up at him and wipe the tears off your cheek. 

“Yea.. I guess. I just..” You sigh. “I thought he was the one.. you know?” You scoff at yourself. “Stupid.” 

“It ain’t stupid. He’s stupid.” Daryl flicked the cigarette butt on the ground and smashed it with his heel. “Never liked his sorry ass.” He mumbled. While that was true, he mostly didn’t like him because he was with you.. and that was what Daryl wanted more than anything. 

Aprox. 2009

“Ugh..” You groan. “I hate school, why did I become a teacher?” You hypothetically ask Daryl. He was laughing at you from across the living room. You were grading papers while Daryl was watching a wrestling match on TV. 

“‘Cause you wanted to ��Make an impact in kids' lives’.” You roll your eyes.

“Fuck the kids.” You mumble, glaring at the stack of essays in front of you. “Whose winnin’?” 

“I reckon Randy Orton.. seems most likely.” You nod.

“Yeah..”

August 15th, 2010. 11 Days pre-apocalypse.

“Have fun on the campin’ trip.” You said, switching your phone to your other ear. 

“Yeah.. Merle’s comin’ along so.. I probably won’t.” You frown at your pessimistic best friend.

“Why is that douche comin’? Thought you said he was out on another bender?” You ask, reminding him of the conversation you had the day before.

“He was. Came home last night full o’ beer. He was high as shit too. Guess he just wants to prove he’s more capable than me.” Daryl sighs. “How’s Atlanta? Fuck any politicians yet?” You loudly laugh.

“I hate you, no I have not. But if I do, I’ll call you right after.” You pulled your phone off your ear when you felt it buzz, your Dad was calling you. “My Dad’s callin’. I gotta go, bye Dar.” 

“Stay safe.” With that you end the call and accept your Dad’s.

August 27th, day after the apocalypse began.

“C’mon, you can come to my house.. it’s safe there.” You look at your friend, Maggie, and nod. “We can make signs to leave on the road, that way if your Dad or someone comes looking for you, they can find you.” You smile at her.

“It’s okay. Let’s go.. I guess.” You say monotonous. 

The day Carl gets shot. (Present day.)

“Shit! Whose that?” You exclaim, taking the dish gloves you had on to grab your gun and go to the door. “Someone’s here!” You look at the figure for a moment and realize he was carrying a child. You looked behind him and saw Otis along with another man running behind him. “They’re with Otis!” Hershel walks up to you and looks out the door over your shoulder. Maggie runs up behind y’all with her binoculars.

“Shit the boy is injured!” She yells

“Was he bit?” Hershel asks. The rest of the Greene family poured out the front door. 

“Shot. By your man.” The man, who was wearing a sheriff’s uniform, said. 

“Otis?” Patricia wondered aloud. 

“He said to find Hershel, is that you?” He sobbed. “Help me, help my boy.” 

“Get him inside!” Hershel hurries into the house, the entire household is on high alert. “Patricia get my whole kit.” He folds his sleeves up. “Maggie, painkillers— Coagulates— grab everything!”

“Okay!” 

“Y/N, clean towels, sheets, alcohol!” You run off to get everything Hershel asked. You grabbed everything faster than you knew you could run. 

“Here!” 

“Pillowcase!” 

“I-Is he alive?” 

“Pillowcase quick!” You take one off of one of the many pillows and hand it to him.

“Fold it! Quickly! Make it into a pad!” He grabs Rick’s hands and places them onto the makeshift pad. “Put pressure on it.” He puts his stethoscope on and listens around the boy’s chest. “I've got a heartbeat… it’s faint.” The man shakes. 

“I’ve got it— step back!” Patricia says, pushing back the stranger. 

“Maggie, IV.” 

“We need some space.” Maggie yells, pushing him back more. 

“Y/N, take him outside.” You nod and grab his hand, dragging him back out to the porch. 

“W-Wait no— My boy h-he.. I can’t leave Carl, what're you doing?” 

“What’s your name?” 

“R-Rick.” You nod.

“I’m Y/N. They need their space in the room right now. Let’s stay out here and talk.” Rick looked at you like you were crazy but nodded. “Okay. Good. Uhh.. where were you before what happened?” 

“Um. Uh. T-The highway. With my group.” 

“Oh you’ve got a group! That’s awesome. How many people are in your group?” 

“T-Ten. M-My best friend Shane he’ll be here with uh… with Otis any second now.” You nodded. 

“That’s nice that you have a best friend in your group. Who else are you close to in the group?” 

“M-My wife.. Lori.. s-she oughta be here..” He sobs, putting his face in his hands. 

“Run!” Your neck snaps to the field. Otis and another man were running.

“Stay here, what’s your friend’s name?” 

“Shane.” You nod and run to the men. 

“Shane, you go to Rick. I’ll stay with Otis and help him get to the house.” You say to the black haired man. He nodded and ran quicker. You jogged past him to Otis. You wrapped your arm around him and hauled him back to the house. 

Later that day, Otis and Shane left to get medical supplies for Carl while Maggie took the horse and went after Rick’s wife, Lori. A man called Glenn followed shortly after Lori’s arrival, he had T-Dog with him who was injured. Maggie seemed smitten with Glenn. He told you all that the rest of the group would be there the next day.

Shane came back that night with a heavy heart. Otis sacrificed himself for him. The night was full of grief.

The next morning, you woke up late. Everyone was outside helping the rest of the group settle in. You met Carol first, you told her you were sorry about her daughter and that you would help however you could. She thanked you and you helped her set up her things. You met Andrea next, she was a little more standoffish but you didn’t mind. 

After meeting Andrea, you retreated into the house, deciding to start on lunch. It wasn’t much, but you were able to make salads with the crops on the farm. Carol came to help you after a while.

“So.. how are you related to the Greenes?” 

“Oh I’m not. Maggie and I knew each other before the spread. We were hangin’ out when everythin’ went to shit and I couldn’t get back to my Dad.” 

“I’m sorry about your Dad.” You shook your head.

“S’fine, didn’t like him that much. Mostly my best friend that I miss. I don’t know if he made it out.” You snort. “Probably did though.. he and his brother were out hunting when everythin’ happened.” She nods.

“Maybe you’ll find him soon.” You smile.

“I hope so. I hope he’s alive when I do.” 

Carol went out to get everyone after you guys were done. It took about ten minutes before everyone 

came into the dining room. There wasn’t enough room for everyone at the table, so some stayed standing. 

“Where’s Daryl?” Andrea asked before shoving a forkful of lettuce in her mouth. Your mouth went dry. 

“He’s comin’, he was getting stuff ready to go after Sofia.” Rick replied. Your heart was beating out of your chest. 

“N/N? You okay?” Beth pondered when she saw the look on your face. You nodded and walked out of the dining room and then out of the house. You looked around before you saw him. It was Daryl fucking Dixon. 

“Dixon!” You yelled, running down the steps and to him.

“Y/N?” He stopped in shock. 

“Holy shit!” You jumped on him, wrapping your arms around him. 

“W-What’re you doin’ here?” He pulled you off of him and held your face in his hands. You were crying at this point.

“Maggie, she was my teacher’s assistant and when the infection started she took me here.” You stared at him. “I’m so happy you’re here Daryl.. I was so worried that you did—“ You were cut off when Daryl leaned forward and kissed you. Of course, you kissed him back, you had been wanting this since you were 18. When you broke apart you smiled. “I love you.” You admitted. He grins and kisses you again, you knew that that meant he loved you back. 

“I’m so glad I found you.” He leaned his forehead against yours and smiled. 

“What just happened..” You turn around to see everyone on the porch, Glenn’s head was tilted and he stared in confusion.

── ⋅⋅⋅ ────꒰ ୨ ♡ ୧ ꒱───────

𝗜𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗳𝗶𝗲𝗱 𝗻𝗲𝘅𝘁 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝗜 𝗽𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮 𝗳𝗶𝗰 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀, 𝘀𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝗮 𝗿𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝗮𝗱𝗱𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝘆 𝘁𝗮𝗴 𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁 ☻︎ꨄ

[theoraclej]

THAT SEASON FINALE!

light, where to begin, a disjointed ramble of things I observed:

Dovie’andi se tovya sagain! - Mat said the words, he said the words!

And he made his own ashandarei! I hope he gets the raven-inlaid one though because I’m sure no one wants him running around with that dagger

And I know he’s going to get a massive S3 glow-up because he sees himself as MORE, now. Yay Mat!

RAND exploding the shit out of the Seanchan including Turak; nice way around his general lack of swordtraining which I’m sure will be remedied

Once the Heron, to set his path!

The interplay between Rand (and Lews Therin before him), Lanfear, Ishamael - they were besties in the Age of Legends, lmao!

I had expected the intro to be a high society polyam party they were attending, not the Sealing of Ishamael, 🤭

The Warder bond was beautiful, flowing, intimate, just what I imagined when reading these books some 25 years ago

I knew Moiraine was gonna say Lan was her better!

I’m so glad they’re back together though, legendary qpp

Nice to see the S1 intro sequence with the gorgeously woven Aes Sedai tapestry

I was a bit sad Nynaeve didn’t heal Elayne OR Rand but she DID swear to make Seta’s mother curse the first kiss her father ever gave her and THAT was cool

Hopper, my beloved! 😩 I would be chopping Whitecloaks too!

It was so satisfying to see Perrin obey his wolfly instincts already!

Elayne being the one to heal Rand’s wound was an interesting choice, and you can tell he was dazzled by her!

Book lines, book lines, book lines making me have conniptions every time one was uttered

“From birth to death I serve the Blood.”

UNO I KNEW YOU WERE COMING YA SHEEP-GUTTED MILK DRINKER

“For the Light, and Shinowa!” still gave me chills even without an expanded story behind it for Ingtar

Egwene al’Vere. I hope she earns a title of “the Unbroken” someday. Remember, Nynaeve even said that about her when Egwene was captured by Whitecloaks in S1!

Egwene, spitting out the damane gag and refusing to rain down fire on innocents, ah my girl, that’s that Two Rivers steel

Egwene, collaring Renna and choking her to death, being stronger than Renna, being able to withstand the pain of that because that’s exactly what Renna taught her

Egwene later, with that amazing shield against Ishamael to protect her friends!

Lanfear pushing Lan and Moiraine out of the ocean Waygate was very unexpected but totally within Lanfear’s lane, just to keep Moiraine away from Rand

Lanfear working to sell the Seals to Bayle Domon, which was so lmao also, and it really enhanced her utter shock when she entered the room later with the Seals all broken.

M O G H E D I E N 🕷️

She is perfectly creepy, perfect in every way. I can’t wait to see her tear shit up, or to see how she will be used in S3 and beyond

Never expected her to cage Lanfear in her webs, either, dang. Lillen Moiral wasn’t near so strong as Mierin. But we know some things are just Talents, and Moghedien is better in Tel’aran’rhiod than Lanfear

Did you notice Rand’s wound swirling with evil bits throughout the healed part? Really cool effect if you catch it

Aviendha, Bain, and Chiad showing they can fight just as well in close quarters in a city as in the Three-Fold Land; and then later acknowledging Rand as Car’a’carn

Though I’d hoped we’d get some good old He Who Comes With The Dawn in here too

Moiraine’s outstanding torpedo weaves that fucked up the Seanchan boats! And she understands the stakes - if the Dragon is gentled, or harmed, or captured, everyone’s life is in danger and that includes her and Lan

Anyhow fuck the Seanchan

Did it look like Suroth got blown up too? Does that mean she’s dead? I guess we’ll see who gathers in the scattered remnants of the Hailene!

The first “I’m not Lews Therin” from Rand

Mat taking a moment to mention Rand’s “shit hair” to Perrin while they were in the mix, lmao

That shadow ashandarei is really scary, it is a laser knife (lightsaber?) on a stick

I can’t wait for Perrin and Hopper to meet again in the Wolfdream

Speaking of which, I think Perrin’s eyes are permanently golden now

I cried at the coming of the Heroes of the Horn, I’m sure many of you did too 😭

Cool Hero fighting effects, I liked those

BIRGITTE SILVERBOW MY LOVELY

I figured Min’s vision of Mat “killing” Rand would be something like this, an accident, not an intentional thing

His blood on the rocks of Shayol Ghul…

AL’LAN MANDRAGORAN, the Uncrowned King, Sworn to the Flame, bonded again, fighting as he was meant to, just slicing through armies, snatching arrows out of the air and stabbing people with them, chef’s kiss

I wonder if Nynaeve’s “failures” and inability to channel at these vital moments will give her the drive to break her block

Ishamael’s channeling at the end was really impressive, a testament to how much more he knows than Rand

I hope that’s not the last we see of Fares Fares, he was remarkable as Ishamael and a truly enjoyable villain

And since they didn’t have the Dragon banner of Lews Therin Telamon found with the Horn like in the books, Moiraine saw to it that he was heralded with literal fire

This I can imagine many people seeing from far away, and of course rumor travels further

The Falmen sure seem to appreciate it and of course the Seanchan are gone for now

Lanfear asking the LIGHT to protect Rand at the end is something interesting and NOT LOST ON ME

I REALLY ENJOYED IT and am looking forward to a full rewatch of S1 and S2!

Proclaimed across the sky in fire 🔥🐲

[ellabehavior]

You’re on your own kid ~ Rafe Cameron ☼

Summary: Rafe and you have been best friends since you were young. However, now that he got his new girlfriend you suddenly realized that you could possibly like him more than simply as a friend.

Pairing: Rafe Cameron x Fem!Reader

Warnings: anxiety, mentions of drinking

A/N: Its been a while yall, but i’m back!! I hope y’all enjoy :)! ( i hateee this but i hope y’all love)

angst to soft!

-

Summer went away,

You’ve been best friends with Rafe since as long as you can remember, but last summer was the summer where everything changed.

The summer before your first year of college.

School was back up and you were also starting to look at Rafe with a different eye. He was taller, tanner, smarter, he’s growing up.

Still the yearning stays.

Everytime you’d pass Rafe in the hallway hed give you a short smile but never really acknowledge you.

You missed last summer when you guys would hang out everyday, tell eachothers every little secret, and have the best deep conversations at 2am.

You knew at this moment that things might never be the same again.

I play it cool with the best of them.

For the first time in months Rafe contacted you, he invited you to go to a party with a lot of people from your school.

When you arrived, that’s when you seen him with her.

He had his arm around her neck and her long blonde hair rested on his lower arm.

I wait patiently, he’s gonna notice me.

“It’s ok, It’s ok” You whisper quietly while gaining the courage to go up and talk to Rafe.

As you walk up to him he gives you a half-hug due to the blonde on his right.

“Hey Y/N i haven’t seen you in a while.” He grins.

“Yeahhh, I guess i’ve been busy yknow with all the test and s-” Immediately you get cut off by a high pitched voice.

“Rafeyyy cmon let’s go play some games this is boring.” She says with a pout.

“Mkay babe. Bye Y/n” The boy said walking away without a glance at you.

It’s ok we’re the best of friends, anyways…

About a week after the party Rafe finally calls to check up on you.

“Hey y/n.” He drowsily says .

“Rafe? It’s 1:00am what are you calling me for?” You voice concerningly

“I just miss my bestie that’s all” He laughs.

I hear it in your voice,

You're smoking with your boys.

I touch my phone as if it's your face.

“Rafe are you high right now?” You almost shout.

“Yes, Maybe, No.” He giggles.

“Rafe do you need me to come get you?”

You rush to grab your keys and your wallet to go pick Rafe up.

“No i’m here with my girlfriend.” He says.

You stop in your tracks, immediately getting a sick feeling in your stomach as soon as those words come out from his mouth.

“Oh Okay, we’ll I’ll talk to you some other time okay?” You suggest.

And with that he hangs up the phone without a goodbye.

I didn't choose this town,

I dream of getting out.

There's just one who could make me stay,

All my days.

As a kid you and Rafe would always talk about how when you guys were 25 you’d move to London together, and to this day that’s still your biggest dream.

You hate this place, it’s full of people who will be rude to you just based off of how you grew up.

Surprisingly Rafe is now dating one of those girls, Lily.

From sprinkler splashes to fireplace ashes

I waited ages to see you there

I search the party of better bodies

Just to learn that you never cared

You promised yourself after last time you would never go to another college party, but here you find yourself at one that Rafe invited you to.

You would be lying if you said you’re here because you wanted to party, you’re waiting to see him.

You see Lily off in the crowd dancing, She’s perfect. You understand why Rafe would pick her. Her hair flows perfectly in the wind, her makeup is never less than flawless, and even though you want to tell yourself that she’s ugly, she’s one of the prettiest girls you’ve ever seen.

As you study Lily you see Rafe come up from behind her and hug her.

You're on your own, kid

You always have been

The whole night Rafe didn’t even bat a single eye at you, so you left.

I see the great escape

So long, Daisy May

I picked the petals, he loves me not

Something different bloomed

Writing in my room

I play my songs in the parking lot

I'll run away

You tried to distance yourself ever since the party, finally realizing this crush is starting to form into something you don’t need right now.

It’s been exactly 2 weeks since you’ve gone no contact with Rafe and if there were 20 stages of grief, you’ve been through 30.

All you want to do is call him, text him, or tell yourself that maybe he’s just using Lily as a distraction because he really likes you.

“Why is it never me.”

From sprinkler splashes to fireplace ashes

I called a taxi to take me there

I search the party of better bodies

Just to learn that my dreams aren't rare

It’s a cycle.

Another party, Another slap in the face.

You can see the other girls also looking at Lily wishing they could be with Rafe.

The realization kills you to know that it’ll probably never be you in that spot with all these options he has.

You're on your own, kid,

You always have been.

It’s a drunken night, and you’ll definitely regret this.

“Rafeyyy babyyy” you slur.

“Y/N? Why are you calling me in the middle of the night?” You can tell he is worried in his tone.

“I don’t like her. She’s rude, you deserve better.”

There is a long pause and then you hear someone speak, “He’s never liked you babe. You’re nothing compared to me, and you know that.”

The phone hung up.

From sprinkler splashes to fireplace ashes

I gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this

I hosted parties and starved my body

Like I'd be saved by a perfect kiss

It’s been hard to do anything since the altercation.

Eating, Getting up, Going to class, Socializing, and pretty much everything feels like a chore.

You’ve tried so hard to get his attention yet he never seemed to care.

And of course as a mean girl, Lily decided to tell everyone about what you said to Rafe. Of course he apologized for what she said, and for what happened but that didn’t stop the whole school for coming at you for a whole week.

The jokes weren't funny, I took the money

My friends from home don't know what to say

I looked around in a blood-soaked gown

And I saw something they can't take away

You received a text message late at night, usual for Rafe.

Rafe: Hey, i’m so sorry for what Lily caused. You’re my best friend and I realized nothing is worth loosing that, me and her are over now after a long talk.. Can we please hang out? I miss you.

Fuck. This is what you’ve been longing for all these months and it finally is here.

You: Yeah sure, Sleepover? my place tmmrw? ;)

Rafe: Ofc. I miss you. Cya.

Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned

Everything you lose is a step you take

So make the friendship bracelets

Take the moment and taste it

You've got no reason to be afraid

The anxiety levels are high waiting for Rafe to come over, it’s been so long since you’ve had a real conversation through all this time of him being with Lily.

You start to wonder if he still likes Starwars, or if his favorite dancing song is 22 by Taylor Swift.

You then hear a knock on the door.

You're on your own, kid

“Hey!! Can I come in” he says.

“Of course.”

Then the catching up, the apology’s, and the stories start up.

It’s just like last summer.

Yeah, you can face this

While Rafe is telling one of his stories, you start to feel a pit of anxiety in your stomach because you know what you have to do.

You’ve gotten ready for this moment, practiced it in the mirror about 50 times to make sure your facial expressions, or your tone doesn’t sound too weird.

You're on your own, kid

“Rafe.” You stop him mid conversation.

“Yes?” he says with a quirk of his eyebrows.

“All these months i’ve been so distant but really all I wanted was to be near you, since last summer you’ve been the only thing on my mind and maybe you don’t feel the same way but-“

He cuts you off with a kiss to your lips.

“I’ve been waiting since the 8th grade for you to say that” He says as he pulls away.

“So all that practicing in the mirror was for nothing?” you giggle.

“Guess so.”

You always have been

[and-claudia]

Against All Odds pt.4 (Joel Miller x fem! reader)

Time skip

WARNINGS: ANGST!!!!!! Mentions of abortions, arguing

General Warnings for later on: The main story will have an age gap between Joel and the reader (Reader will be 25 once we get to the main storyline), this will also be your warning that it will eventually be an x pregnant reader (if that's not your jam, I'm sorry) there is also going to be more graphic/trigger parts later on so please always to be sure to read the warnings BEFORE reading. This story will also be 18+ and TO BE ON THE TAGLIST YOU CAN NOT BE AN AGELESS BLOG (i do actually check that) also there first hand full of parts are all prologue so Joel won't actually be in it for a bit

Wordcount: 4200+ (I am so sorry it's so long)

Taglist Sign-Up (read my rules carefully before filling it out)

It’s crazy how three years of being happy and in love can come shattering to the ground with a two-word sentence. 

“I’m pregnant.” The words seemed to be echoing in the small living room of my and Joel’s apartment. 

He stood there. His expression was unreadable. I was debating on if I should repeat myself or just wait it out. I chose the latter. It felt like time had slowed as I stared back at him waiting anxiously. At this point, I would be happy if he would even just yell at me to get out. Anything seemed better than this deafening silence I was being forced to endure. 

A heavy sigh. 

Okay, good. We’re getting somewhere. 

Then he turned and began pacing, running his fingers up through his hair, then wiping his hands down his face as he tried to process what I had said. I stayed quiet. 

“How? How did this even happen? We’re always so careful.” He said. 

“I mean not every time. Ther-” 

“No. I’ve been careful. I know damn well I have been. Maybe you haven’t.” He cut me off with his suggestion. 

“I know you’re not implying that I’ve cheated on you, Joel.” I said, clearly hurt, “There have been plenty of times where we weren’t. I mean hell if I had to guess this probably happened on my birthday. We definitely were not careful then. So don’t you dare try to accuse me of cheating.” 

I felt a wave of relief when he stepped forward and pulled me to him. I hadn’t realized that tears had begun falling from my eyes until I could see them staining his shirt. 

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m sorry, ‘m just shocked. It’s okay. Don’t worry, we’ll get it taken care of.”

His words made me pull back but not completely out of his arms, “What do you mean?” 

“We can get you an abortion pill, I know they still have those. We’ll get one and take care of this.” He explained. 

“No…” I shook my head, “I don’t want to do that Joel… I mean I know this wasn’t planned but I’m honestly kinda excited about having our own little family.” I admitted. 

“Sweetheart… I just, I can’t do this again. It’s been so long since I’ve been around small kids, let alone a baby. Shit, it’s been 30 years since I’ve held a baby probably, longer than you’ve been alive.” 

That made me step away from him. At first, I thought he meant he couldn’t do this again because of what happened to his daughter. I wouldn’t blame him for that at all. He hadn’t talked about her again in the three years we’d been together, not unless he was waking up from a nightmare. 

“So you don’t want this baby because you don’t want to have to start over again?” I asked, disgusted for even thinking that was going to be his reasoning. 

“I mean it’s just been so long since I’ve done this.” 

“Okay, so? I’ve never done this, hell, Joel, I’ve never even actually held a baby! I am 25 years old and I’ve never held a baby let alone raised one! I was also the youngest in my family so I know literally nothing about raising a kid. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want this baby any less.” 

He reverted to silence once again. I couldn’t take it. I needed to get out of here. 

“You know what? It’s Wednesday, I was supposed to go to the market earlier… I am going to go now. Do whatever the fuck you want to here. Pack your shit, hell pack my shit, kick me out. I don’t care.” I said, walking over to the kitchen counter to grab my bag and the money we set aside for food at the market. 

“Take your gun.” He called to me. 

“I am.” I snapped as I grabbed it and tucked it into the top of my jeans before letting my shirt cover it. 

When I got to the market there weren’t that many people there thank goodness. I went over to the vendor that always has potatoes and was surprised to see that he still had most of his produce there considering it was pretty late in the day.

“Not selling this week?” I asked as I walked up. 

“Nope. Not at this price.” He said, clearly not happy. 

“I’m sorry. Give it a week though, they will be coming back next week when they realize how much they need them.” I tried to reassure him. 

“Let’s hope. Here is your bag.” He said, reaching down to grab the bag he stashed for Joel and me. 

We’ve helped him out with various things and this was how he paid us for it. I finished getting a few other things but took my time heading back to the apartment. When I got there, Joel was passed out on the couch. When I went to set my stuff down on the table I wasn’t too surprised to find the decanter of homemade moonshine half empty again, nor was it a shocker that there was a baggie with a couple of pills left in it. I just sighed and grabbed them both to put them away. When I came and saw what else was left out I was a little confused. Joel had gotten the maps out of their hiding place in the floor. I decided it wasn’t worth my time asking about now, not that I’d be able to wake him up anyways. Ever since his brother went radio silence on him he’s been a wreck. Instead, I put away the food I had gotten at the market and decided to just go to bed. 

The next morning when I woke up I heard two voices and I didn’t even have to guess who it was. I knew it was Tess. I quietly made my way over to the closed door, careful not to make my presence known just yet, and listened. 

“Trucks no good without the battery. And if I don’t get to Tommy soon, he’ll die out there.” I heard Joel say. 

What? Joel hadn’t mentioned anything about going to find Tommy. I continued to listen. From what I gathered this had been in the works for at least a little bit. They had a battery lined up for them but got screwed over. 

“We’ll get our money back and get the battery.” I heard Tess say to him. 

I finally opened the door making them turn their attention to the sound. They both froze when they saw me. 

“You’re leaving, together?” I asked. 

“Shit.” He mumbled. 

I turned around and slammed the door. I was beyond hurt. He wasn’t even going to tell me. I needed to clear my head, so I quickly got dressed then went over to the window before climbing out onto the fire escape. 

I wasn’t sure how long it had been but I continued to sit out there cross-legged. No tears fell, I didn’t have the energy for that, I just simply sat there thinking. Eventually, I heard the window slide open behind me but made no attempt to look at him. 

"Yn, come inside. You know it's not safe on that thing." He said gently. 

"Oh. So suddenly he cares." I said bitterly, “Thought you would have already left by now.” 

"Yn, I've always cared about you, always will." He said. 

"Bullshit." 

He sighed. I could hear him getting up and sitting back down on the windowsill. He didn't say a word after that. We stayed in silence for a few minutes before I spoke up again. 

"I thought my age didn't mean anything to you. I thought it never mattered that I was only 25." I said. 

"It doesn't." He said. 

"You're such a fucking liar, Joel... you told me that you couldn't do this again. That it had been over 30 years since you held a baby since you've raised a newborn. 30 years, longer than I've even been alive. Clearly, subconsciously my age has been an issue for you." I said finally turning to see him hanging his head down. 

He didn't speak up again. 

“We’re you going to tell me?” I asked referring to his plan to go find Tommy. 

“I was.” 

“When?” 

“Last night, but then you blindsided me with-” 

“I did not blindside you. I wasn’t expecting this either… so does this mean we’re done?” 

“I don’t know, like I said I can’t do this again. I think we just need to sit down and have a serious conversation about it all. Maybe this trip will give us both the time to think everything through and we can talk about it when I get back.” He suggested. 

“When you get back?... I’m goin' with y’all.” 

“Yn, no, you can’t.” 

“Why?” 

“You’re pregnant, you don’t need to be traveling all the way to Wyoming.” He tried to sound reasonable. 

“What do you care? You don’t even want the baby. Now move, I need to pack.” I said, standing up. 

He knew it was no use arguing with me once I made my mind up it was made and I was going to stick to it. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t pissed that I was going. 

I grabbed my bag and threw in what I would need before tossing my gun in on top. Joel had already left the room and was getting the rest of the supplies together out in the living room. Lucky for Tess, we usually left the QZ from mine and Joel's apartment so she had stashes of supplies with ours so she was able to pack hers as well. Once we were packed we devised a plan. Well, they did. I didn’t know the details and Joel was being petty not telling me them and Tess was following along. All I knew was that we’d go into the old subway tunnels to come up through the bottom of the building where their guy that had their money and truck battery should be. 

“Alright, come on, kid.” Tess said, slinging her bag over her shoulder. 

“I’m not a fucking kid.” I snapped. 

“Damn, someone is not happy today.” She said, walking out the door. 

I grabbed Joel by the sleeve of his denim shirt to get him to hang back for a second. 

“Have you told her yet?” 

“No.” 

“Good. Don’t.” I said. 

“Hate to break it to you but she’ll find out eventually. Can’t hide it forever, sweetheart.” He shot back. 

“I know. And when I am ready to tell her about my baby, I will.” I said before letting go of his arm and following Tess out. 

The walk to the access point of the abandoned subway tunnels was quiet. When we finally made it to the building, the doors had been re-chained and locked once again. That had never deterred us before, it definitely wouldn’t do it today. Joel cut the chain and we were in. We took a second to get our guns and flashlights out. I had never liked going through the tunnels before, they were dark and damp and smelt like mildew. I wasn’t entirely sure if the smell had actually gotten worse since I had been down there or if maybe it was because I was pregnant but it was almost making me gag. 

And the deeper we got, the worse it smelt. I was half tempted to just turn back around. But I had a point to prove, I wouldn’t give Joel the satisfaction of leaving me here. When I heard Tess say she found the way out I was relieved. Once we got through the door I stopped in the small entry area as Tess went on ahead. 

“Joel, can you grab my water for me, I feel like I am going to puke?” I asked, trying to keep myself from puking, the air in here wasn’t nearly as bad. 

“I told you, you shouldn’t go with us.” He said but still stepped over to grab the canteen from my bag. 

Before he got a chance to grab it though we heard Tess yell. That caused both of us to spring into action and follow where she had gone, guns ready. When we made it around the corner we saw no immediate threats, but as my eyes scanned I saw why she had yelled. 

Fused to the wall was, what used to be, a person. Their body was completely taken over by the fungus. 

“It’s dead.” 

“No shit, Joel.” I said back. 

“I know, I just wasn’t really expecting it.” 

“Was he not here last time?” I asked and she shook her head. 

“You think he came down here after he was infected?” Tess asked. 

Joel was quick to respond with, “Maybe down here is where he was infected.” 

“I’m sure we’re fine…” I said trying not to dwell on that idea too much. 

“Yeah, let's just keep moving.” Tess said, turning and leading the way once again. 

We finally made it to a sketchy-looking ladder. Tess went first, then me, and lastly Joel. As we climbed Joel made a comment about the construction of the building itself, something about it getting updated in the 80s or something. Despite the fact I didn’t always know what he was talking about when it came to construction, I always loved hearing and learning about his old interests. Tess cracked a joke teasing him about his construction-nerd comment, which made me smile slightly. We climbed a little bit higher before Tess got off the ladder. 

It was a small landing with only a single door. 

“This should lead into the hallway.” She said as she went to push it. 

“Is it stuck? Or is something blocking it?” I asked after it didn’t budge. 

“What the fuck?” She asked, shoving it again. 

Then the smell hit me. 

“Okay, I know y’all have got to be able to smell that.” I said. 

“Yeah, it’s gunpowder.” Joel confirmed 

We all scanned the area around us for its source. Then Tess found it, seeping up from under the door was a stream and pool of blood. She shoved the door a little harder and was able to move the body that was slumped in front of it. 

When we made it through I was shocked. There were probably at least half a dozen dead people. Beside one of the men was the truck battery. I didn’t know much about cars, but I did know one that corroded wouldn’t have worked. 

As if to confirm my thought Tess spoke up from where she was squatting down beside it, “Well, the battery’s no good.” 

“Do you think he knew?” I asked. 

“Oh yeah. He knew, and he still tried selling it, twice. Greedy motherfucker.” Tess said as she stood. 

Just as she finished speaking we heard something further up the hall. Joel wasted no time, bringing his gun up and going in pursuit of the sound. I was right behind him, my own gun raised as well. 

“Stay back I got this.” He said quietly over his shoulder. 

“What if there is more than one?” 

He gave no answer and just continued down the hall. We rounded a corner and there was someone trying to help another person up off the ground. Before we got close enough to them the door to our right swung open. I stepped back in time, but Joel didn’t react quickly enough. Someone lept out of the now open door, knife in hand. Joel threw them to the ground quickly and pointed his gun at them. It was then that I realized it was a kid, couldn’t be older than 15. 

“Joel?” The lady down the hall called out. 

I turned my attention back to her and brought my gun up to aim it at her just as a precaution. 

“Marleen?” Joel asked back. 

They know each other?

The lady, now known to me as Marleen, checked on the girl who said she was fine. But then she went to grab the knife she had lost after getting thrown to the ground by Joel, but he quickly stepped on it blocking her from being able to. 

Marleen then called the girl’s name, Ellie, to get her attention. That’s when she noticed that Marleen was hurt. She had just finished reassuring her when Tess joined us. 

“So this is who Robert screwed us over with?” 

The two of them continued a small banter as my attention went back to the girl. I saw her reach for the knife again. Joel quickly turned to point his gun at her. 

“Don’t.” He warned, causing Marleen and the person she was helping to bring their own guns up to point them at him. 

“Not at her!” Marleen said firmly, as Tess and I both aimed our guns back at her and the person with her, “Point it at me.” 

I stole a glance at Ellie, her hands were raised and she looked terrified. Joel slowly took his aim off her and brought it back to Marleen. 

“No offense,” She began, “Our reason for needing that battery is much bigger than yours. Tommy is just one man…” She paused to gauge Joel’s reaction, “It’s our job to know things.” 

“To know things.” Joel repeated, “You’re the same cause that caused my brother to turn against me.” 

“Okay, Joel.” Marleen said as if they have had this conversation before. 

Marleen’s friend finally spoke up, “That was a lot of gunfire.” 

“That means FEDRA will be here soon.” I added, knowing we needed to get the hell out of here. 

“I know.” Marleen said quietly as if she were deep in thought about something. She sighed before speaking up again. 

“We were going to move Ellie out of the QZ tonight. But now we won’t make it anywhere, not for a while at least… So, now I’m thinking, you’re gonna do it.” She said. 

“What?” 

“Like hell we are.” 

“I’m not goin’ with them!” 

Me, Joel, and Ellie all spoke at the same time.

I turned to look at Tess as Joel did the same, “Tess we don’t have time this.” He said. 

“Who is she?” Tess asked, ignoring Joel. 

“For you, consider her cargo.” 

“We don’t smuggle people.” Joel said to Marleen. 

“There is a team of Fireflies waiting for her at the old State House. I know what’s out there. We were going with an entire squadron for that very reason. Now I don’t have that, and I don’t have a truck with FEDRA closing in. All have now is you. And I know what you are capable of… For better or worse.” Marleen said. 

I glanced down at Ellie as she spoke up, “What are they capable of?” 

“You don’t want to know.” I said quietly to her, shaking my head slightly. 

“You get her there safely,” Marleen continued, “and they’ll give you what you need. Not just a battery, but the whole thing. Anything you need. I swear.” 

Joel stayed silent as he looked back at Tess and me. I glanced between the two of them waiting for one of them to make a decision about what we were doing. Tess finally nodded for Joel and me to step away with her so we could discuss. 

“I don’t think I trust her.” I said once we stopped. 

“Neither do we, but she seems desperate.” Tess said. 

“A Firefly vehicle usually means stuff repurposed from FEDRA which would give us a better-than-decent chance makin’ it to Tommy. The second we hand that kid over-” Joel got cut off. 

“Y’all can talk it through but keep in mind I am bleeding out still.” Marleen called out to us. 

We waited a moment before Tess turned back to them. 

“Okay so here’s the deal. We’ll get her to the State House. But we will not hand her over until we have been given everything we want. If not, we kill her, there and then.” 

I wanted to protest that plan but before I could, Marleen said it was a deal. 

“Really? That fast?” Ellie asked. 

“I was thinking the same thing.” I mumbled to myself. 

“You are all that matters. Go grab your bag.” 

It took her a second but she got up and went back into the room to get it. When she got back I let her go ahead of me, following Tess with Joel at the rear of our small group. We walked through the rain back to the apartment. When we got there Joel handed Tess the key to unlock it. She did and held it open for Ellie, I followed behind her. Then Tess was closing the door. 

“Keep an eye on the kid, Joel and I need a second.” She said. 

“Seriously? I can help plan!” I yelled through the door. 

I could hear them discussing which route we take and Bill and Franks. With a sigh, I turned to Ellie. 

“You can go set your bag down.” I said, nodding her over to the living room.

I waited by the door for Joel to come back inside. He eventually did and went straight to the couch. 

“What’s the plan?” I asked. 

“Kill time until it’s dark, then leave.” He said matter of factly. 

“Kill time? What are we supposed to do?” 

“Figure it out.” He snapped before closing his eyes. 

“Just don’t talk to him right now, Ellie. He’s in a bad mood.” I said. 

“Clearly.” She said making me laugh a little. 

“You like card games?” I asked, grabbing our deck off the shelf.

“Yeah.” She smiled, walking over to the table where I had already sat down. 

We played for a bit before I told her I was going to take a short nap before it got dark and advised her to do the same. I went to mine and Joel’s room to lie down on the bed there. 

I wasn’t sure how long I was asleep for, but I was being woken up by Tess. 

“You comin’ or what? Get a jacket, kid. Come on.” She said. 

I quickly got up and went to grab my jacket but hesitated. I wasn’t sure how long we’d be out there. Hopefully not long but if something goes wrong and we’re away longer than we expect, I didn’t want my jacket not to fit when I start showing so instead, I grabbed one of Joel’s older ones and threw that on. When I walked out wearing it Joel gave me a weird look. 

“That mine?” 

“I couldn’t find mine, let’s just go.” I lied. 

“You’re still coming with us?” He asked. 

“Oh my gosh, yes, Joel. I am going. Deal with it.” 

And with that, I left the apartment. 

We made it out and passed the patrols. Then we made it outside of the walls, but we weren’t in the clear yet. They had patrols on the wall. Tess was leading our group, then Ellie behind her, then me, then Joel. We had just about made it when we failed, trying to sneak past a footguard taking a piss. I felt a wave of panic but then when he realized who we were and didn’t just shoot us I felt a little better. 

“Get on your knees!” He kept yelling at us. 

“Just do it.” Tess said, getting down. 

I followed her lead, no need in making this difficult. Joel and Ellie followed as well. 

“Look, you let us do this run we will split the cards with you.” Tess tried to bargain but it wasn’t working. He had us facing away from him and was about to test all of us for infection. I still hated getting this done. Tess went first as she continued to try and sweeten the deal with him. When he got behind me, Joel reached over to grab my hand to give me some comfort, knowing I hated this, but I pulled it away quickly just as the device pricked me. Then he went on to Joel, who also tried to negotiate a better deal for us to be let go, he wasn’t biting. He got to Ellie, but to everyone’s surprise, she whipped around and stabbed the guard in the leg. As Ellie stood I was quick to get to my feet to stand in front of her as the guard aimed his rifle at her. 

“Get out of my fucking way!” The guard yelled. 

“No.” I said firmly. 

By this point Joel had gotten up and was now in front of me, “We can fix this!” 

“Move.” 

It all happened so fast. One moment Joel was in front of me blocking me from the rifle, next he had tackled the guard to the ground and was beating the shit out of him. There was nothing I could do besides watch. 

“Hey, guys!” Tess yelled getting mine and Joel's attention. 

She held up the device the guard was using to test us for infection. It was lit up red. Ellie tried to argue that she wasn’t sick. I tuned out her and Tess arguing and just looked at Joel waiting for him to react. The sound of sirens broke me from my trance. 

“We need to get the fuck out of here. Now!”

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[b0tster]

ever since coming out, i’ve had a very difficult time inserting myself into the lgbt community, specifically the trans community. i don’t know why; i’ve just never felt like i belong in any specific place, like i’m not good enough or look “proper” enough to take part. i’m not sure if that’s rooted in how isolated i was a kid and teenager just trying to to sort through this stuff. but i can’t be that way any more, and i guess in seeking to view myself as more “valid” i’ve gone through a lot of personal changes. and despite my internalized feelings towards myself from my childhood and parents and society at the time, i’ve come to love and accept myself for the project that i am.

i guess i just wanted to get that out since we’re all doing this.

to the anon, i just want to say: i was in a similar situation for years and years. i first started questioning myself when i was a child. it got worse as i got older. eventually i learned to just shove it down and ignore it. as i got older though, and grew more autonomous, and grew as a person, i realized that those feelings never went away. and from 19-25, i just kept crushing them down, but every time took more and more out of me.

i came out to my sister in tears at like 12:30am in the office of my workplace. her response? “yeah no that checks out for you.”

i’ve never been more relieved or angry, or laughed so hard, at a response, but that was the push over the edge i needed. and i don’t want you to think any of us are directly telling you that you are trans, you should transition, blah blah blah.

i have a lot of regrets about how i handled my transition. i wish i had access to more information in the 90s and 00s. i wish i had people like those that are all over this website, encouraging me to look inside myself to see what was going on. i wish i had had all of you incredible people to talk to. i spent the better part of 26 years denying who i was because i was afraid of what it might mean, and because i didn’t have any base of knowledge to understand any of my feelings. i felt alone and isolated, in that tiny ass rural town in virginia. it wasn’t until i got to college that i really saw people like me, and even then i was too intimidated, too afraid to approach or talk to them.

anon, my only real advice to you would just be to talk. find people to talk to. talk to yourself if you have to. if you think they’re steps you want to take? give them a shot. you can always stop if it doesn’t jive with you.

i started transitioning at 28. i lost my hrt a year and a half later. i just got it back a month ago, and now at 31, i’m back at square one.

my biggest regret will always be, that i didn’t give myself the chance to be myself sooner. don’t rob yourself of that chance, anon, by hiding your light under a bushel. we’ll all be around. talk to us. talk to everyone you can, and you’ll learn a little more about yourself each time. i just wish someone had told me that sooner.

love all of you guys. 💜. thank you for giving me a place to put this, botster, and thank you anon and botster for giving me an excuse to share my story.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I don't even know how to properly respond to this 🥺

I know its not fully directed at me though. But this shows how important it is to be out and proud for those who are willing.

Having a platform where people feel safe enough to ask these questions is so important.

[loveinhawkins]

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 ao3

They end up watching Casablanca thanks to Robin bringing the VHS over. For the majority of the movie, it’s not a serious watch at all; they’re all happily talking over scenes, slapping each other’s hands away whenever one of them gets too close to another’s pizza order.

It’s comfortable, like they’ve known each other for years and years: instinctively able to tell whenever someone’s wrapped up in the movie and falling quiet accordingly, before launching back into chatter again when the moment’s passed.

Eddie silently entertains himself with imagining how he would react to all of this only a few months ago—not the whole alternate dimension related horrors, just the fact that he’s having a ‘Casablanca impressions contest’ in Steve Harrington’s living room, in which Robin Buckley is beating him soundly.

“Steve,” she says, still in Rick Blaine’s drawl, “I gotta ask you something.”

It seems like Steve can’t hear her, but Eddie knows it’s an act when he briefly presses his tongue against the inside of his cheek to stop himself from laughing.

“Oh, sorry,” Steve says, exaggeratedly turning from the T.V to Robin, “it’s like he’s in the room with us.”

Robin throws a cushion at his face. Dropping the voice, she says, “I forgot I didn’t bring anything to sleep in.”

This time Steve doesn’t try and conceal his smile, though he does turn to Eddie, mouths bullshit.

Eddie hides his laugh with a well-timed bite of pizza; Steve keeps smiling like he saw it anyway.

“Sure, go ahead.” Steve gestures upstairs with a nod of the head, sighing like it’s a chore. “It’s not like you do this every damn time.”

Robin jumps up in triumph. “Steve,” she says, the drawl returning, “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Steve throws the cushion back at her; she dodges it with an uncoordinated leap before bounding upstairs.

“She thinks I don’t notice whenever I’m missing a shirt,” Steve mutters. He rolls his eyes as he says it, but the fondness is obvious, and he must catch something of Eddie’s thoughts on his face, because he says, “What?”

“Nothing,” Eddie says—thinks once again about how natural Robin and Steve are with each other, like siblings; that such a closeness is never a guarantee, but it’s a choice they’ve made, one they keep on making, rather than being born into it. “Just noticed that you didn’t put your hat in the ring for impressions.”

Steve laughs. “That’s cause I knew Robin would win.”

“Well, guess we’ll never know…”

Steve shrugs. “Guess not.”

Eddie scoffs, mimes casting a fishing line. “You’re meant to take the bait, Harrington.”

Steve opens his mouth presumably to retort, but the sound of the phone ringing interrupts him; Robin calls from upstairs, “I’ve got it!”, and he shouts back, “Sure, thanks!”

“That’s what she did with our phone call,” he adds to Eddie, “probably sneaking around in my room so she could find a shirt she wanted.”

It’s said with affection, like he knew that’s what she would have been doing all along.

The phone call must be a short one, because Robin’s back downstairs in less than five minutes, dressed in a royal blue shirt that’s faded with age. Steve softens when he sees it, and as Robin gets closer, Eddie makes out yellow letters across the front: Free Concert Central Park.

Steve catches Eddie’s eye, smiles like they’re sharing a secret.

Then Robin makes for the couch they’re both on: Steve at one end, Eddie at the other. She flops in the space between them, tips over so she’s upside down, feet dangling over the top of the couch, head lolling down halfway towards the seat.

Eddie gently prods her foot; she’s got one threadbare sock on, a hole at the big toe. “What’s up, Buckley?”

“It was Nancy,” she says. Her head tilts in Steve’s direction when she adds, “She asked if she could come over tomorrow, like, late afternoon? And if it’d be okay if she brought Holly.”

“Yeah, ‘course it’s okay,” Steve says. “She didn’t need to ask.”

“Yeah, I told her you’d say that.” Robin sighs, long and heavy. “She was… quiet. I… I hope I helped—”

“Rob,” Steve interrupts, not unkindly, “you will have, don’t—”

“It’s just—” Robin breaks off with another sigh, hands flexing like she’s grappling for the words. “Sometimes I worry that—okay. Do you ever get the feeling… kinda like stage fright? But more… I remember in middle school, a girl in my class phoned asking for my help with homework, and all I could think was oh, now it’s my job to be the Homework Girl, I’ve gotta my lines right. You know?”

Steve frowns, says, “I mean—” at the exact same time that Eddie says, “Yeah.”

Robin rises at Eddie’s agreement, moving until she’s perched upright on the top of the couch.

“It’s like… it’s like I can sense so badly that she needs… I don’t know! A friend, or just someone to tell her…” Another sigh. “See, that’s the thing, I don’t even know what. I’m, like, so focused on the fact that she needs something, that whatever I say, I can’t mess it up, and then whatever I do say is… useless.”

Eddie’s eyes dart between the two of them—Robin’s uncertainty, how Steve’s frown makes him seem… conflicted.

“Robin, I get it, but it—it won’t be useless. Promise.”

“At least she phoned,” Robin goes on, pensive.

“Yeah,” Steve says. He looks off to the side, and he goes somewhere—Eddie doesn’t know where, but he can tell somehow that it’s not about the night he saw the clock, or at least not entirely.

Robin must sense it, too, because she goes still on the couch. “Steve?”

Steve breathes out, rubs a hand over his mouth. “There’s… there’s some stuff I wanna say,” he says hesitantly, “but it’s… complicated. It’s—it’s not mine to—it’s hers, but…”

His eyes drift again, this time over to the windows; the only thing to see outside is the pool, the water covered with tarp and a thick layer of leaves from last fall. When he turns back, he takes another big breath like he’s steeling himself.

“Look, this is… in, like, confidence, all right? It’s… I don’t think she’ll ever talk about it herself. And obviously I know you won’t, um, bring it up to her, but I think—if she’s… it’s something you might need to know.”

There’s something about the way he phrases it, like he’s walking a tightrope. It makes Eddie think of a morning in 6th grade where a kid’s mom had died the night before, but she was going into class anyway, and the homeroom teacher had warned them in advance before she’d come in late. That the instruction to be extra kind to her, to only talk about the whole thing if she brought it up felt woefully inadequate, but also all they could do.

“You kinda got an… abridged version of everything,” Steve says, eyes on Eddie. “So, back when… um, with Will, and… Barb. Barb Holland died. And she—she—”

“It wasn’t a chemical leak,” Robin says. There’s a tone to her voice, Eddie thinks, like these are suspicions she’s already had; but the way she’s looking at Steve with wide eyes suggests it’s never been talked about, not really.

“Right,” Steve says softly. “Nance, she—she got this journalist to, like, expose Hawkins Lab because… Barb’s parents, they still had hope, y’know? Nance wanted to go further than the cover-up story, but she had to fight even for that, so…”

Eddie recalls Murray’s voice down the phone: “Got enough leverage to take a story, water it down until it’s just ripples in the pond, softly softly, yeah?”

Understanding sinks heavily into his stomach, like rocks hitting the bottom of a creek.

“Barb… she died here, in the pool.”

The rocks in Eddie’s stomach turn to ice.

He sucks in a sharp, horrified breath; as Robin, if possible, becomes even more still, Steve keeps talking.

“Not—it wasn’t… Shit, sorry. We didn’t see what… but eventually, we. We knew. And it—it wasn’t like how it was with Chrissy, or… There wasn’t a Gate. There wasn’t anything.” Steve looks outside again, says quietly, “Trust me, I checked.”

“Jesus,” Eddie whispers.

“But Nance, she… It was after Barb’s funeral in ‘84. Before… I know it was before Christmas, but I don’t… Anyway, I came home from school, and the front mat was lifted up, and the spare key was gone, and… It was Nance. She was in the pool.” Steve swallows. “She’d turned off the heating. And she—it’s like she couldn’t hear me. She just kept diving down to the bottom, kept feeling every damn tile. Her hands, they—I had to jump in and pull her out.”

Eddie glances at the pool, and it doesn’t matter that the cover and leaves obscure it in reality; in his mind’s eye he can still see the ghostly glow of the water. Can see Nancy repeatedly trying to dive, Steve desperately calling her name—both of them shaking from the cold.

He thinks of Steve insisting that he’d make the dive at Lover’s Lake. “It’s gotta be me.”

“God, it was awful,” Steve says. “She just… she just went silent, most she talked was fucking apologising for using some towels to get dry. Then she left and—that was it. Never brought it up again.”

There’s a heavy pause.

“You know how we were during Starcourt?” Robin says, fragile. “Like, when everything was… spilling out.”

Steve’s face screws up a bit. “In more ways than one.”

Yeah, Eddie thinks, really hate how all that’s a casual reference point for you two.

“I think Nancy might be… the opposite,” Robin says slowly. “If there was a drug that made you just… go quiet. And I think she’d—” Robin exhales. “She’d put the needle in herself.”

It looks like the sheer weight of that hits Steve all at once. He closes his eyes. “Shit,” he breathes.

Eddie wants to hold him through it. Desperately wants to make it better. Knows that he can’t—that the only thing that would fix it would be Nancy and Steve never needing to dive into a freezing pool.

The movie keeps playing through the long silence. It’s almost over.

“But I’ve got a job to do, too,” urges Rick Blaine. “Where I’m going you can’t follow. What I’ve got to do you can’t be any part of.”

Eddie looks away from the screen, tries not to think of Steve staring out into the road. Fails.

They’re almost too far away to touch. But Steve manages to press his foot against Eddie’s.

I’m here.

Eddie feels Robin shift along the couch, feels her hand gently squeeze his shoulder. For a moment, it’s like they’re all connected through one touch.

And they breathe.

[pixiecactus]

one of my favourites gendrya moments that got completely eviscerated by that awful show/hbo is this one:

“Child,” said the singer, “put up that sword, and we’ll take you to a safe place and get some food in that belly. There are wolves in these parts, and lions, and worse things. No place for a little girl to be wandering alone.” “She’s not alone.” Gendry rode out from behind the cottage wall, and behind him Hot Pie, leading her horse. In his chainmail shirt with a sword in his hand, Gendry looked almost a man grown, and dangerous. Hot Pie looked like Hot Pie. “Do like she says, and leave us be,” warned Gendry.

as someone who was reading the books around the time that got's third season was airing (at least in my country was in late 2013/early 2014), even as young as i was back then i could see that show!gendrya was devoid of their book dynamic that made me ship them in the first place. if i'm being honest the only show!gendrya moment i like, is when they first meet each other on season one and that's it.

book!gendry wanted them (arya and him) to leave their little group behind because the boy could see that the other children were dead weight, he's harsh about it but it's true, and when he brought it up to arya, a girl who cares so deeply about the people around her and their suffering, they obviously have a disagreement, this gets burried by the moment that arya decides to trust gendry with her identity, because "only gendry was different" and because the queen was after him too.

i derailed my train of thought a little bit (sorry that happens a lot in my posts), but what i was meant to be writing is that, even when he was opposed to the idea, gendry protected and nurtured this group of little kids, all while being a kid himself, exactly like arya did.

book!arya stark's passing presence in book!gendry's life, changed him, for the better i may say. but i'm a book!gendrya shipper, so my opinion is obviously biased. book!gendry is devotedly loyal to arya, so much that we actually see him, going from a figure that dislikes and distrusts nobility, that helps arya realize that northern/tully men commit awful crimes against the smallfolk too, to a child soldier helping in a quest for revenge for the treason commited against the starks in the riverlands. and i'm not even going to dabble in the "look at my boy, he's taking care of orphaned children now" once again.

show!arya stark's passing presence in show!gendry's life ain't worth shit. and it infuriates me so much. they made show!gendry a soft boi, with an immense "lacking a backbone" problem. i can resume show!gendrya relationship into: "two people that met as children (even when clearly 25 year old joe dempsie couldn't pass as a 16 year old boy), little girl had a crush in the older boy, i guess you can say older boy broke little girl's heart (referring to the "i can be your family" scene), then a lot of years pass between then, not even acknowledging that they knew each other once in that time, and they meet again, older boy who is a man now gets a "wow, she's hot now" moment and they are now both sexually attracted to each other (yay! ig...) but of course little girl, who is a woman now, is a wickedly threatening force and a murderer, and man is such a nice guy that people think he could do a lot better. they fuck. man makes a godamn awful marriage proposal to woman, but she's too far gone to even contemplate the idea, and to even let herself recover from the trauma she has endured. and woman breaks man's heart"

if that's your thing and you ship show!gendrya, more power to you. it's not a bad thing at all, it's just so lackluster to me in comparison, even when book!gendrya hasn't taken a turn forward in the romantic direction yet. and to be honest, even i have to say that the actors did a great job portraying a romantic couple even with the awful writing in the show, but for me show!gendrya lacks a deeper connection between them, and i'm not even bothered over the fact that they didn't end up together

rip book!gendry, you would have hated class traitor show!gendry so much

ps: i think this need to be said in an environment as tumblr but i'm not hating at all joe dempsie and his gendry's performance, he's just an actor doing his job, he's just being told what to do.

[bihansthot]

So, a little while ago the lovely @dearsimp requested some headcanons involving a reader from Mexico, it just so happened their birthday was a few days ago so I apologize again for being late! Hopefully these are acceptable, I’m afraid I don’t know much about Mexico, but I did some research which is partially why it took so long and I hope they are ok! I am so so sorry if anything is inaccurate I’m going off of google and a few Mexican cooking programs T_T I’m Scandinavian, so this is all new territory for me, I’m also so sorry if any of the Spanish is incorrect, I only speak English and Japanese, so I used a translator! Also I hope you are staying safe during earthquake season!

This is all fluff, no ratings, gender neutral reader a some slight kissing but nothing too steamy, I really hope these are ok! I had fun writing them! Much love to all my Latinx readers <3

Tomas:

You turn the dough out on the counter with a satisfied *plop*, you turn to your lover as he wipes some of the flour off your brow, “see, not that hard is it?” You ask as you begin to knead and work the lump of dough, trying to create something smooth and homogenous like your Abuela showed you years ago. Once satisfied with the shape you place it in an oiled bowl to rise as you turn once again to your stand mixer to create the cookie-like crust for the delicious treat.

“It smells delicious, I can’t wait to give them a try,” Tomas replies as he sneaks a little kiss on the top of your head. He sadly didn’t remember much about his own family traditions having been orphaned at such a young age, so he loved and treasured the time the two of you spent together sharing your proud Mexican culture.

You fiddle with the dough, rolling it in even balls before coating them with flattened-out sheets of the cookie-like topping.

“Is that a tortilla press?” Tomas asks commenting on your ingenious method for flattening out the pastry.

“My Abeula was a smart cookie! She always worked smarter, not harder!” You smile and make quick work of the cookie balls. You carefully drape the little cookie sheets over the dough balls and carve a fun swirling pattern into the confections, “now they just have to bake and we’ll be ready to eat them!”

“I know it would have been less work to just go to the bakery to eat them, but I’m so glad you suggested making them ourselves,” Tomas comments as he tucks the little cookie sheet in for himself and leans back to admire his somewhat clumsy, albeit perfect in your eyes, little conchas.

You steal a kiss, leaning over the counter to claim the smoke wielder’s lips, your soft velvety ones brushing lightly against his slightly chapped ones. It’s sweet and perfect in the moment, and you sigh a little as you open your mouth at the press of his tongue, he tastes warm and sweet and you can immediately tell he’s been stealing bits of the cookie dough. You don’t scold him though, instead, you lick his lips and suck softly on his tongue, eager to get more of the sweet, vanilly taste.

He reluctantly breaks the kiss as soon as the oven dings indicating it was hot enough to bake the conchas. “Guess we can finally bake these huh?”

“Y-yeah,” you reply a little flustered, anytime Tomas kissed you he immediately had that effect on you. You brush some of your hair back from your face as you put the tray of waiting pastries in the oven and set a timer. “We have about 18-25 mins, can you think of anything do to in the meantime,” you ask, giving him a suggestive smirk.

“Oh I can think of something,” he grins, his silvery eyes sparkling with a promise of things to come as he lifts you onto the kitchen counter and closes the gap between the two of you to capture your lips in a passionate dance.

Syzoth:

It’s Independence Day, something you had been looking forward to all year if for nothing else than all the delicious food available in the Zocalo. Unfortunately for your boyfriend, though he couldn’t stomach Earthrealms foods, you look over at him remorsefully as you take a big bite of your delicious Taco al Pastor. Your eyes roll back momentarily as you sink your teeth into the delicious meat and the pillowy soft tortilla, “are you sure you don’t want to at least try it Sy?”

“I’d love to sunshine, but it will give me indigestion most foul and I don’t think either of us want to bear witness to that,” Syzoth frowns as he explains his predicament.

“There must be something at one of the stalls similar enough to the food you’re used to in Outworld,” you sit there as you finish your taco mulling over the different possibilities the fiesta might have. “Why don’t we walk around the market and see, if there is anything I’ll get it for you, my treat!” You smile brightly and drag your boyfriend off towards one of the large covered markets adoring the city capital.

“Woah, woah! Slow down Sunshine, we have all day,” the Saurian laughs as he’s dragged from stall to stall with you, each one of them having what must be Earthrealm delicacies but nothing he could find palatable until you turned the corner.

“There!” You cry excitedly as you point to the mound of deep-fried grasshoppers, “chapulines!”

Syzoth cocks his head hesitantly before sniffing the pile of fried grasshoppers, they smelled delicious and had his mouth-watering, “can, can I try some? Those might just do it,” he replies as his stomach lets out an embarrassing gurgling sound.

You’re quick to order some for your lizard boyfriend and the vendor seems a little surprised you don’t want any tortillas or toppings but piles the grasshoppers in a dish for the two of you and sets it on the counter.

Awkwardly Syzoth grabs a fork and tries to spear one of the crunchy little delicacies, only to no avail, “Sunshine a little help here?” He asks still not entirely familiar with Earthrealm eating customs.

“You can use your hands Sy, it’s fine!” You reassure him as his emerald eyes sparkle with delight.

Slowly he munches on one of the grasshoppers, trying to assess if they were palatable for him.

“Well?” You ask with bated breath, so curious if you finally found something your Saurian boyfriend could enjoy.

“These are amazing!” He exclaims before shoving a handful in his mouth, chirping and crunching happily. “They’re so crispy and savory! So, similar to my natural diet!”

You clap your hands in delight as Syzoth makes quick work of his snack and you quickly order him two more portions, the vendor equal parts confused and elated at the customer’s clear enjoyment of his product.

“Viva Mexico!” Syzoth cheers happily before proceeding to stuff his mouth.

You beam at him so excited you are finally able to share something special about your heritage with the Saurian.

Kuai Liang:

“I would love to but I don’t know how xingan,” Kuai Liang laments as the two of you skirt around the brightly lit plaza.

Bands are playing festive music and lots of couples dancing merrily and you want to be part of the fun, however; your boyfriend does not know how to dance. “I can teach you, but I’m afraid I don’t know how to dance very well either, but I do remember some steps my Abuelo taught me when I was little.”

“I suppose we can try,” the pyromancer offers you a sheepish smile as you lead him towards the center of the plaza.

You try and keep to the rhythm, trying to remember what your Abuelo taught you, but it seemed as though the two of you had two left feet, tripping each other at every turn. You didn’t care though, you were just happy to be spending time together, during this local festival.

“I told you I don’t know how,” Kuai Liang seems apologetic and hangs his head in defeat as the music tempo changes to a melodic love song.

“Come on, even you can dance to this,” you reassure him as you sway your hips to the slow tempo and count out steps for him to follow. It’s clumsy yet perfect all at the same time, you rest your head against his warm shoulder, loving the comforting warmth he provides. The song ends and you are reluctant to part from the pyromancer, but it does not appear that he has any intention of letting you go as he pulls you closer, the heat radiating off his body.

His lips find yours in a slow practiced motion as you tilt your head instinctively to the side and enjoy your soft moment, forgetting you are in public, all you can focus on is the man you love.

Bi-Han:

“Uno mas!” Bi-Han calls out confidently to the barkeep indicating he indeed wanted another shot of tequila.

“Polar Bear that’s like your fifth shot shouldn’t you slow down?” You ask, your words slurred and sluggish.

“Pssshhh I can drink all night qīn!” He grins with confidence as he downs the bitter liquid as you stuff a lime into his mouth and he slams the glass down triumphantly. “Besides, I don’t need your help ordering them anymore, did you see that? Huh? I ordered it all by myself!” He laughs, clearly proud of the fact he has mastered one Spanish phrase.

You can’t help but laugh at his silly antics and grin at him, “oh yes! I’m very proud of you! Wait, wait! I have such a good idea! It’s my birthday and you said we could do whatever I wanted right?” You ask, crowding the cryomancer, the cold rolling off his flawless body doing little to combat your flushed cheeks.

“Yeah… what do you have in mind?” He asks before motioning for another shot and downing it before you can scold him.

“I want to see you in a charro suit! Please Polar Bear? You’d look sooooo good in one!” You clap your hands together excitedly, practically bouncing out of your seat at the idea.

“Where do we get one?” He asks, his speech starting to slur.

“There’s a rental store a few doors down! My parents used it for my quinceañera!” You exclaim as you hurriedly pay the tab and grab your behemoth of a boyfriend out of the bar.

“I saw the pictures from that, that dress was insane qīn, so fluffy! So many layers! You looked so cute!” He almost giggles as he recalls the details of your amazing quince dress.

“My dad picked it out, but thankfully he has good taste,” you laugh and drag him to the rental store, after a quick conversation with the shopkeeper Bi-Han finds himself mostly naked in the dressing room and you can’t help but look over every delicious inch of tanned, muscular flesh, “oh yeah, that’s my man,” you sigh contently to yourself.

After a few moments in the dressing room Bi-Han returns head to toe in his charro suit, “just call me fucking Bi-Juan! I look amazing in this!” He slurs and wobbles a bit in the tight-fitting shoes.

You can’t hold it together any longer and fall off your chair with laughter at his declaration of “Bi-Juan”, “oh my god, Polar Bear stop! That has to be racist!”

“Nah it’s call good! I’m dating a beautiful Latina, her-hermosa,” he replies with a sly smirk and a slight hiccup. “Come on qīn it’s your birthday! Why aren’t we drinking more!?” He throws the shopkeeper a wad of bills which was clearly more than the suit and shoes cost as he picks you up with ease and throws you over his shoulder. “Vamanos!”

You squeal as he handles you like you were nothing and laugh as the two of you make your way back to the bar to continue your birthday celebrations.

[mirrorthoughts]

The Identity Crisis of Desmond Miles

Alright, here we are 😂 Thanks to everyone who has voted on my poll (and yes, I know it's not over yet but I wrote this already anyway 😂), I’m actually surprised I got more than 10 votes (and all of them on a yes 💕(the one for the results was mine 😂I wanted to see how it’s going)).

So yeah, Blorbo thoughts about Desmond’s brain, how the Animus maybe-probably works on it and how it’s actually possible that Desmond still has a (probably in the end very weak) grasp of his own identity (below a readmore, because I don’t know how long this will get 😂😂)

The Start

First a few facts I will base this whole… essay on

Desmond learns skills from his ancestors, so the Animus has to impact him deeper than only on a surface level (surface level would be like playing a VR version of a game).

I don’t have the precise ages/dates in mind for the lifespans of Altair, Ezio and Connor, but even if I’m being conservative we’ll get at least 80+ years of other people’s memories in contrast to Desmond’s 25 years of life (…just realized he’s about half a year older than me, so maybe it’s not a surprise he’s one of my forever-blorbos <.<…), one of those, namely Ezio’s he actually ‘lived’ from birth to retirement (= ~55-60 years).

AC Revelations is the only real glance into Desmond’s own memories (aside from what he tells us at the beginning of AC1 and 2). From a doylistic view I know that Ubisoft probably just didn’t want to expend more effort to create Desmond’s memories the same as his ancestor’s, especially because they probably knew at that point they would kill him in the next installment anyway. From a watsonian view the way his memories are all bare bones - mostly his voice talking as if it was a story he remembers and not something he actually lived, without people/faces and places he knew - comes across as if he doesn’t really remember all that much anymore, as if they were really old memories buried by the rest of his (or rather his ancestors’) life.

The brain can hold a lot of information and memories. Even more than you might think. We all know about those Guiness World Records guys that taught themselves to easily remember a myriad of numbers, words, things, whatever. I actually recently saw a very good video about how to do that even as a ‘normal person’. And I’m not even talking about people with photographic, eidetic, echoic or other types of ‘perfect memory’. So, I think we can agree on: the brain is fucking awesome (most of the time) and probably can actually handle the 130+ years Desmond has experienced.

Desmond

Desmond’s ‘life’, according to what his brain experiences when he was in Abstergo’s hands looks a bit like this: Desmond (25yrs) -> Altair (however many days/weeks) -> Desmond (one night’s sleep) -> Altair (however many days/weeks) -> Desmond (one night’s sleep) -> repeat until he gets broken out of Abstergo.

And it only gets worse. Yes, he gets more “free time” when he’s with Shaun and Rebbecca, but at the same time he experiences weeks, if not months of Ezio’s life at a time! Sometimes even years. (We can argue about how the time jump-function works in the Animus, but he still gets the information of what happened how during that time because Ezio knows all of that shit, so even if it’s not as detailed as what he actually actively lives through he still gets the memory of what happened during that time as far as I’m concerned).

And then we have the most extreme ratio in Revelations: Mere seconds of being Desmond (hello computer/brain-speed!) against another few months/about a year of Ezio’s time.

During AC3 it’s not as clear cut how much time he spends in the Animus, thanks to them being inside, but I’d guess they’re about at the same ratio as with AC2, maybe a bit better since he does get to go on missions outside.

In total that makes maybe three months of Desmond’s time (it’s about half a year from when he got kidnapped to when he dies minus all the time he was in the animus. Tbh I think it’s even less than three months he has as Desmond/himself during that time) against literal decades of memories and experiences of his ancestors during the same time. And of course the Bleeding Effect that even disturbs his ‘Desmond time’.

So much for the ‘mathematical’ side of it all 😂

To summarize: Every memory that Desmond makes as himself is overshadowed by dozens of memories he makes as one of his ancestors. So piece by piece, Desmond’s own memories get buried deeper and deeper in his head and those 25 years he actually was only Desmond get fainter and fainter as the new memories he’s making as his ancestors are getting favored by his brain.

Identity Crisis

At this point, it wouldn’t be surprising if Desmond really believed himself to be Ezio, right? After all he’s lived about 55 years of Ezio, he remembers being born as him (and wasn’t that an awkward scene to play… nevermind experience for Desmond), growing up as him, and of course everything we as the player played through with Ezio. And although aside from some verbal outbursts against especially Lucy and a few scenes of the Bleeding Effect we actually don’t see much of it during the game (as far as I remember at least). But we also know about the in-game consequences of using the Animus in detail - hello Clay - and that Abstergo doesn’t really care about the effects of the Animus on their victims as long as they get from them what they want/need.

And yes, Rebecca’s Baby 2.0 was optimized by her to make it better/easier for Desmond. But better/lesser effects still means there will be some effects. And also… afaik Rebbecca has her informations about the Animus from whatever Lucy ‘smuggled out’ of Abstergo. Lucy is said to be a Templar spy, so what informations did she really give Rebecca? Bc as far as I’m concerned it would be to Lucy’s/the Templar’s advantage if Desmond would find them what they need more or less by his own choice and then is brain gets scrambled to hell and back so the Assassins won’t be able to get more informations themselves, right?

Anyway, @Raett (who was a lovely participant in the discussion of these thoughts) hit me with that lovely sentence of “If you've spent more time being 'Ezio' than being 'Desmond' than what's to say [you aren’t] Ezio with memories of Desmond?”

And… just imagine. You’ve just gone through decades of memories, your own memories are faint right now (see point 3) and you’re not quite sure if those actually are your memories or if that’s just something you’ve seen. Maybe you are Ezio after all? Maybe you only dreamt of those ‘memories’ of Desmond - after all that weird vision of a woman that called you the Prophet also talked about someone with that Name! Okay, alright, then you are obviously Ezio, right? You remember your family, your sister, after all you write to her regularly when you are not visiting. You remember Constantinopoli, you remember traveling to Masyaf, you remember finding Altair’s body, his memories.

Wait.

You remember more of Altair then the memory discs have shown you. How can you remember more of Altair’s life? It was already a miracle in your eyes that you saw his memories at all! You remember someone named Connor, Ratonhnhaké:ton. You remember him living in the future, not as far as Desmond, but still far closer to him than yourself. How can you remember the future if you are Ezio? But you remember your - Ezio’s - whole life, so you have to be Ezio, right? But you also remember Altair’s life. Not all of it, but years of it. And you remember Ratonhnhaké:ton, remember how he became Connor, remember his work and life up to somewhere in his later twenties.

And you remember, though faintly, Desmond. You remember that diabolical machine Desmond used. You remember what he was forced to do.

You can remember remembering, reliving your memories.

Are they really yours? Or maybe, maybe you aren’t Ezio after all.

Remembering

So, now that Desmond’s gone through that circle of ‘who am I?’ and ‘I’m Ezio, right?’ and ‘I have to be Ezio, but I can’t be Ezio, so who am I?’ probably more than just a couple of times, what actually is it that brings him back every time?

The short answer is probably ‘reality’, even though that sounds dumb as fuck at first 😂

But in a wider sense that’s actually true. A person’s memory doesn’t only consist of seeing and hearing things, as much as someone who played the games might get the impression because the average person has yet to be able to smell/feel/taste things from computer games 😂.

And that’s the crux, the only thing that actually saves Desmond from loosing himself completely: Sensory impressions, which are a great trigger to remember things.

The clothes he’s wearing don’t feel like any of his ancestor’s clothes. Their make and design are completely different, the fabric was produced in a different way, the clothes themselves, like underwear are even a modern invention (modern men’s underwear is actually largely an invention of the 1930s). And of course nowadays most people wear a lot less layers than it was custom in most of human history.

Then there’s sound and smell (and visuals of course), a modern city is so much louder than even ancient Rome has been. More people (the world’s population is more than 20 times larger than during the 1400s (Ezio was born in the latter half of that century). And between 2011 and 2023 we actually gained another Billion of people on this world!), loud and smelly cars, food stalls, tared streets, large buildings and modern architecture. Cities in general.

And of course he has his companions who would jog his memories by being there.

And his companions are the ones who also trigger another sense of Desmond: touch. Or at least I hope they do <.< touch starvation is a bitch and even a hand on your shoulder or sitting closer together and almost touching and stuff like that do help a lot.

In the same vein we also have Desmond’s own bodily awareness by the way. Especially after months of mostly lying in the Animus he won’t be as strong or enduring as his ancestors and when I think about how Ezio’ running around Rome in his armor… well Desmond definitely has a long way to get anywhere near that strength 😂😂😂 So, his body doesn’t feel like either his ancestor’s bodies. And he also has different markings on his body than them (aside from the scar on his lip that he shares with Altair and Ezio) and, of course, he has his tattoo.

And I think that’s what is grounding him the most. While he sure as hell can fall into one of his ancestors’ personalities when he’s hiding somewhere in the woods, cars - and technology in general - and cities and people have the best chance at pulling him back into himself. Even small things like a tea one of his ancestors remembers that just doesn’t taste quite right. Because over the hundreds of years the plants used to make that tea changed by natural evolution or - more likely - by cultivation through humans.

Coping

I’m kinda curious what they would have done with Desmond if he’d survived in canon. But since they didn’t really let him survive (I’m expertly ignoring the Reader btw.) we will never know an answer to that, I guess <.<…

Though I think with a bit of therapy he’d actually be able to compartmentalize the memories of his ancestors quite well? I mean… I actually think I saw something similar in a fanfic, but since each of their lives was so uniquely different I think it would actually be pretty clear cut to shove each of them in a dedicated space - like a mind palace or something.

I mean, mind palaces work by using a place (real or imaginary) that you know very well and kinda… sort what ever you want to remember in those places. Other than Desmond who mostly has the farm (and I don’t think he’d want to use that place and revisit it every time he tries to remember something specific) each of the other three kinda has at least one dedicated space he knows like the back of his hand. For Ezio he could use Florence, Monteriggioni, even Rome (though maybe a place he isn’t going to travel to that often). For Altair Masyaf is the most likely choice in my opinion. And for Connor he has the homestead and his ship. Just places he hasn’t the same connection to as Desmond and which he can imagine well enough.

He would probably still need a shit ton of therapy for that whole thing anyway and for coping with his own childhood and how his dad is a fucking asshole, too <.<… But he would have a chance to cope, maybe even heal.

Anyway, thanks for everyone who read this far 😂😂😂 I didn’t expect to turn this whole thing into a 2k+ essay, but well, I kinda did o_O… I have no idea if I remembered everything I wanted to write, but this thing is what you get 😂 Hope you had fun! :D (And thanks for wanting to read this to everyone who voted 💕)

[h50europe]

Brand new interview with Scott. He is talking about his new show Alert, the special bond he has with Alex, and his movie career in general.

AVC:For a lot of actors, especially after playing a character for a long time, there are certain mannerisms or parts of past characters that might creep into the new characters they play. Do you see any similarities between Jason and maybe Danno from Hawaii Five-O or any of the other characters you’ve played?

SC: I’d like to say no, but I guess the answer is of course, right? I don’t care if you’re playing a part that’s the opposite of you. You gotta figure out a way to put the most of you into that person that’s not like you, so yes, I guess the pitfall of doing the same character for such a long time is that you can’t help but have little bits or mannerisms from other characters come into play. When you do a movie, you can really dig in and become somebody else for two months for 90 minutes of cinema, as opposed to when you’re doing a show, [and] the character kind of becomes you or whatever version of yourself that you’ve created from the beginning. After two seasons, three seasons, there is no separation between you and [the character], which is good and bad, right?

AVC: Ending a show almost feels as difficult as starting and launching one. How do you feel about the way Hawaii Five-O wrapped up?

SC: To be honest, I don’t remember how they were wrapped up. [Laughs] I literally have no clue. You could tell me, and I’d be like, “Okay, yeah.” But as far as a job, man, the people I was working with on a daily basis, even the ones I didn’t like, were still family. I was closer to a lot of the people on that show—crew members and other actors—than I was with family members.

Alex [O’Loughlin] and I went through so many ups and downs. That dude’s my brother for the rest of my life. And sometimes I wanted to strangle him, and sometimes he wanted to strangle me. [Laughs] But that dude’s my family until the day I die.

AVC: You and Alex became the show’s fan-favorite duo with your explosive ability to banter and bounce off of each other on and off the set. What do you miss most about working with him in particular?

SC: Look, I think that’s the key to any show: The people you’re watching have that banter. And by the way, let me just reiterate: I didn’t want to strangle him more than I did want to strangle him. But I’m just saying after 10 years, there were moments he wanted to kill me [Laughs].

I just miss working with somebody [where] we have so much history and it was just easy. You couldn’t throw us an acting problem that we couldn’t solve together. And I don’t mean any disrespect, but when you’re trying to write 25 episodes in nine months, some of it is not going to work on the page. And a lot of the time, they would hand us something [where] Alex and I had to figure out how to make it work. And by the end, we didn’t really have to talk. I’d just look at him, point to a line, and he’d be like, “Yeah, yeah, I got it.” We’d know how to get through scenes, and then I knew his strengths. When there was something that could be fixed with his strengths, I’d back up. And when he knew that there was something that I could fix, he would back up. It takes a while to build that.

There’s a power struggle in the beginning of a show. I think I’m really good at certain things, but the people I’m working with don’t know that I’m good at it. I feel like I know how to make a scene that’s not working work, and when you’re working with new people, they may think, “Well, why does he think he knows?” And it’ll take me six or seven episodes for them to go, “Oh, okay, Scott knows how to do that part.” And then there’s certain things where I have to figure out, “Oh, Dania knows how to do that part.” We’re just getting there now, and who knows if we get another season, right? So we might just have to start over with another show or we’ll continue on.

The thing with Alex and I is, we could figure anything out easily and our egos would, for the most part, go this way [motions his hands separating and going in different directions]. We’re two alpha males. Season one, we were like, “I know!” [Motions his fists to clash] “No, I know, I know! I got this.” By season four, five, and six, our egos kind of floated away a little bit, and we were able to work together and figure out anything.

FULL INTERVIEW HERE: Scott Caan on landing Ocean's Eleven, his new show Alert, and instructing his dad on set

[raflovestuffs]

It’s late here but nevermind, I had to share the thoughts I have about Spider.

So recently, James revealed in an interview that « One of the problems is there was a major thing that happens to the character Spider » but he didn’t want to say what it is. Of course no spoilers.

But the thing is, since some days now, we’re discussing about the possibility that Spider could get an Avatar body in Avatar 3 due to some pictures that were released in the Disney + documentary.

Then, I talk with @avatar.amyrat on insta and she send me all the pics she got so far about Spider near to an incubator or a link unit.

And I discovered that we can see Norm kinda making fun of Spider on the center image I shared. That means maybe Spider will eventually get his avatar body but not now. He will have to be patient because those things take time. 6 years to be precise. And then it hits me.

Cameron said that there will be a time jump in Avatar 4: « They're allowed to age six years in the middle of the story on page 25 of movie "4." ». A 6 years jump. So the time needed for an Avatar to grow but also for a travel from Earth to Pandora.

I think that means the second act of Avatar 4 will be very intense. Cause we’ll surely get more humans to come including Selfridge’s comeback. And then Spider will have his Avatar body and that means at the time they will have to fight again. Spider will be a Na’vi like his adopted family but also like his father, Quaritch. Finally they will be the same "specie". And I guess that will maybe get them closer. I don’t know it’s just a feeling I have.

Please give me your feels on this.

[continuous-spec]

ME Fic: The Messages In Between Ch.1

Summary: Shepard and Garrus messages to each other throughout the events of the Reaper War.

Link: Ao3

Notes: GST: Galatic Standard Time. Cycles are one-day cycle of the Citadel per the GST. One Orbit has 40 Cycles. There are ten Orbits in a GST year. 2686 GS is also 2186 for the Alliance.

Galactic Standard Time: Cycle 20, Orbit 9, 2686. Day 6 of the Reaper War.

Garrus breathed in the stale air of his cabin, trying to relax in his makeshift cot. He had been without sleep for almost two days.

Four days since the Reapers hit Palaven and six days since they hit Earth. Six days without contact with the Sol system. Six days not knowing if Shepard was still alive.  

Garrus rubbed his brow plates, trying to push the thoughts of her out of his head. He needed to sleep. He had spent the last two hours stuck on top of a comm tower, sniping any reaper forces within scope of Vitcus' men—All while fixing the comm tower too.  That was somehow just this morning. Garrus' mind whirled with fog without sleep, trying to keep track of the time. He needed to rest, but the adrenaline still kept him stirring in bed. 

Just as he felt himself drifting to sleep, his omni-tool pinged dozens of times. Messages upon messages poured in. Almost all from the same source: Datapad Model OXIV, Alliance Addition.  Garrus shot up out of the cot, trying to scan the messages. The words shifted and moved with his exhaustion, but there was no way he could sleep now. 

***

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 30, Orbit 4, 2686] 

Garrus, It’s Shepard. I'm sending this out. Hotwired a datapad they’re allowing me to have to prep evidence. I doubt the Alliance is reading. I'm pretty sure they won't notice when this datapad goes missing, either.

Give the Hierarchy hell, and hopefully, we’ll get somewhere with it.

Send back if you can. I think this is going out? 

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 35, Orbit 4, 2686]

House arrest, you got to be fucking kidding me. Is this on the news? Can you see this? I’m sure Khalisah is having a field day with this.

At least Joker can still get on the Normandy. I'm stuck. Maybe I'll take you up on that offer to break me out. You know, we can steal the Normandy again, too, just like old times. 

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 5, Orbit 5, 2686]

You’d hate this. It’s all pointless jabbering. Tribunal after tribunal. They won’t listen. Aratoht is all they care about. I’ve shown them the proof. They keep putting their heads in the sand.

Do you know that saying? Does it even translate? It just means that, as always, they’re ignoring the real problem. Why is that not a surprise? 

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 15, Orbit 5, 2686]

Did you know today is my birthday? On Earth its April 11th. I'm only a little disappointed you didn't get me a gift. 

I think I’m 32 or 30. Does being dead count towards age? Do turians celebrate birthdays? 

30 is a big one, a big milestone for humans. When I was a teenager, I never thought I would get to it running with the Reds. I guess, technically, I didn’t get to celebrate it.  Humans don't generally celebrate it in a jail cell either. 

I just wish you were here with me for it. We could have shared another glass of wine. Among other things…

Right now, I’m so bored that I’m trying to figure out how to make prison wine. Hopefully, I won’t go blind. 

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 23, Orbit 5, 2686]

If I could go without hearing about the Reds for one more day, I might not scream. They have spent a week dissecting my time with the Reds. Seriously? I left them when I joined the Alliance.  I’m just some drugged-out teen junkie on Red Sand to them still.

When do we stop paying for the sins of youth? 

I hope this is getting to you. I hope you’re getting further than I am. Good thing you left. Imagine both of us in an Alliance interrogation room? 

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 25, Orbit 5, 2686]

Want to take any bets on how long until the Reapers are here? I'll give it two more months. that what like three orbits? You think the Councils cares? 

What are you wagering? How about we wager like we did with Strip Skyllian-Five? This isn't a bet I want to win this time though. Even if I like seeing you in your skivs. 

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 29, Orbit 5, 2686]

Still no answer from you. You playing hard to get Vakarian? 

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 37, Orbit 5, 2686]

The prison wine is nasty, almost as bad as the stuff you brought last time. Still not blind, although I am having visions of you pinning me up against the aquarium. Did I get you blushing yet? 

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 1, Orbit 6, 2686]

I’d like to think you’re just playing hard to get, and I’m not just sending these off into the ether. It's hard doing one-sided sexting you know?  

No one tells you how boring prison is, even with the datapad. I wish they’d give me a keyboard so I can practice. Also, to hotwire it to get a better signal to you. 

Now I’m starting to know why they try to limit how much electronics I get. It’s the Alliance's fault, they trained me how to do this. Yeah, that’s the excuse I’m going for. 

If you can, send a voice recording, I miss it. You I mean.

I miss you. 

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 35, Orbit 6, 2686]

God, it’s so annoying. They have these guards watching me constantly. What do they think I’m going to do? Fight someone? or someones gonna fight me? Ridiculous.

It'd be nice to have some privacy to take care of myself since you're not here. I guess I'll just have to think about you in the shower...

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 15, Orbit 7, 2686]

I got tarred and feathered today by the Brass. This is totally something humans do, not an expression like the sand one. Don’t look it up. Just believe me. 

 If I have to hear one more thing about the geth, I might blow a gasket. Okay, now that one is an expression, although, with the cybernetics, I think that might be possible for me. 

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 25, Orbit 7, 2686]

I got stabbed by a batarian. He cloaked into the base. Been in the med bay for a week now. Apparently, my heart stopped. I guess that’s twice now on me dying? Let’s hope we don’t get a third anytime soon.  

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 25, Orbit 7, 2686]

There was poison on the knife too.  So what is that twice now toooo that a batarian poisoned me? Who'se conting 

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 25, Orbit 7, 2686]

*cunting

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 25, Orbit 7, 2686]

*counting wow third times the charm

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 25, Orbit 7, 2686]

the morphine im getting is niceeee though

Who needs prison wine 

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 25, Orbit 7, 2686]

I misssssss you

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 26, Orbit 7, 2686]

Sorry, morphine brain.

I did end up figuring out how to make more wine from some apples. You can’t have it, obviously.

But I wish we could share another glass of achiral wine. Maybe you can get something a bit more pricey this time? I’m sure you're not just on a vigilante salary still. 

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 27, Orbit 7, 2686]

Patia Semmark. Besine Kodsoh. 

Those were the names of his family. He screamed them at me. The batarian I mean.

I think he wanted me to kill him. Now he’s in some cell on this base alongside me. 

Did I do the right thing? What if I am crazy? What if the Reapers were all in my head? 

Did they die for nothing? 

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 7, Orbit 8, 2686]

Sorry, I haven't sent it in a while. The stress is getting to me. Maybe you're reading this? My face looks like it’s burning a hole through it. I hope you find scars attractive too. 

I’m back on my home planet, but I can't sleep easily most nights. It was easier when you were with me in my cabin. I’m cuddling up on pillows right now, wanting them to be you.

At least the pillows are softer than you, Vakarian. 

But still, I need you here with me. 

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 36, Orbit 8, 2686]

It’s been almost a month since I’ve sent anything. Sorry, I haven't written. It was starting to feel more like a diary.

Sorry as well I don't think I even asked how are you doing?

How is your family? Did your mom ever get that treatment on Sur'Kesh? How is Solana and your dad? Did you ever get those paintings back from Vlyrica? I'm sure you're doing great things out there. 

I hope you're doing well. I'm thinking about you a lot.

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 39, Orbit 8, 2686]

I’m pretty sure I'm not getting past certain encryptions set up by the Alliance. 

This is why I could use you. You were always better at this kind of stuff than me. While you know I am the better shot and better looking, I’m pretty sure I am a better dancer, too.

Where was I going with this? Oh, right. I miss you. I hope you've missed me. I'm still waiting for you to break me out.

[Datapad Model OXIV - Draft date GST: Cycle 6, Orbit 9, 2686]

I guess I lost the wager. That a good thing right?

What is the news saying out there? They forgot about me and the Reapers?

Not that it matters. Nothings changed. We're getting nowhere. Six months and nothing to show for it. Almost two and half years of my life gone. First dead, now jailed. At least we made the most of it when I had a few free months together. 

[Shepard - Draft date GST: Cycle 14, Orbit 9, 2686]

They're here. Left Earth, on Normandy. Got Joker, and even Kaidan is back. We're getting possible plans for a weapon on Mars. 

[Shepard - Draft date GST: Cycle 15, Orbit 9, 2686]

Kaidan is badly hurt. Cerberus attacked us. We’re going to the Citadel if you're there. Meet me at the Embassy if you are. 

[Shepard - Draft date GST: Cycle 16, Orbit 9, 2686]

In the old docking bay. Kaidan's not of the wood yet, but stable. Just got all your messages you've been sending. I guess you never got mine either? Hopefully, we can talk now. Where are you?

[Shepard - Draft date GST: Cycle 17, Orbit 9, 2686]

Please Garrus, I need you. 

[Shepard - Draft date GST: Cycle 18, Orbit 9, 2686]

We're coming to Menae. It might take time to get there. Are you on Palaven? 

[Shepard - Draft date GST: Cycle 19, Orbit 9, 2686]

Come back alive, you promised

***

Garrus' mandibles held tight to his jaw as he poured through the messages. Cycles upon cycles, he kept sending out a message to her only to be met with silence. He even set a damn voice recording and vids, hoping those would slip by Alliance encryption. He guessed once she landed on the Citadel she got his message. Now, maybe, hopefully, with the comm tower back on, she was somewhere on Menae? Why else would the messages finally come in? To taunt him? 

Another ping rang out from his omni-tool, bringing Garrus out of his thoughts. General Corinthus needed him. The comms were back down. Garrus cursed under his breath. He hadn't even sent Shepard a message back. Hopefully, she was still out there on the battlefield. Garrus would make damn sure he was right behind her. 

[myeyesarebrighter]

The people who lived in this house before us (who also had the home built), did absolutely nothing for 25 years and then sold it. Before selling, the realtor was clearly like “dudes get some paint on this bitch asap” and that was it. We knew what we were buying, but it just sort of surprises me. It’s a beautiful home. I’m just so elated to be here. But I guess what happens is before you finally move, you probably stay a bit too long and neglect everything after the love has worn off.

So spring maintenance has been heavy this year. Rotted porch posts, flaking paint, a new roof. We had a few more gutters installed and existing ones re-leveled, all of which should decrease future maintenance. The gardens are fiiiiinally hitting a maintenance stride where they aren’t just overgrown beds of weeds and too big shrubs. I have to keep after them, but it seems to be leveling out.

A new kitchen is in the not so far off future. The pool and back patios will go in this summer (fingers crossed for our conservation commission meeting June 20th). I’d like to rip out the gross carpeting from bedrooms someday. And by then the bathrooms will be needing a refresh. So the next several years will see big projects, but then we’ll be living in a practically new house!

Yay adulthood. This is such a scam 🤣

[avoicebehindthestars]

My predictions for DFAFM

Is it weird that I’m obsessing so hard over a fanfic? Well, I am. The fanfic being Don’t Fall Away From Me by the spectacular PhoenixRose314. In fact, I’m so far gone that I decided to put together all the speculations I have for the remaining 6 chapters and I decided to publish them because, like, bragging rights if I get any of it right (for the record, I predicted Muriel would be Abaddon as early as chapter 25).

@phoen1xr0se If you happen upon this post (I guess you will now that I've tagged you), it might be better if you don’t read it. I’d hate to influence you in any way at this point! And if you do read it – you know what to do, tell me nothing! ;)

Everyone else: if I’m right about any of these, they will obviously turn out to be spoilers, so yeah, proceed with caution ;) It's 4th March and 37 chapters of DFAFM have been released as I write these. Now, without any further ado…

Aziraphale will be faced with a choice and will choose Crowley against the (presumed) will of god. AND/OR Crowley will have to trust god to save/protect Aziraphale.

Gabriel will turn out to have been the scribe of the Book of Life, or even the original Voice of god, making the Metatron an imposter.

AziraCrow will be forced apart once again.

Crowley will have to accept Baraquiel as part of himself – the way Aziraphale accepted the Pit.

The true purpose of the Book of Life will have been to awaken Abaddon. That’s why the Second Coming can’t start without it. Using it to erase angelic memories was abuse of power by the Metatron.

Muriel will need Eric (or possibly Crowley) to ground them when they’re overwhelmed by Abaddon’s identity. Seeing love in the world previously will ultimately stop them from destroying it. Possibly seeing evidence of Aziraphale and Crowley’s unending love.

Eric will turn out to have been an angel of rebirth – the polar opposite of Abaddon. Or maybe Raphael – the archangel of healing (in a way also the opposite of Abaddon).

The betrayal referenced by Gabriel could’ve been Maggie’s. The sacrifice could’ve been Nina’s, though I’m less convinced there. I’m actually prepared to see another betrayal and *especially* sacrifice since I’m expecting the ominous quote to be a foreshadowing rather than reference to past events. Perhaps Eric for Muriel? Jophiel for Furfur? Crowley for Aziraphale…?

AND NOW THAT WE’RE AT IT. PhoenixRose314 keeps announcing that the oncoming chapters will be dark and she “needs us to be brave”, so I wouldn’t be surprised to see Crowley die to be resurrected / reborn in the end. There is a connection between him and Jesus, and Crowley seems to be where Jesus was 2000 years ago (believing in love, ready to fight for the one he cares about). Moreover, Crowley’s been presented as the inspirational figure for the angels, and a beacon of hope – the way Jesus was for early christians. In this light, him choosing to sacrifice himself would make a lot of sense. This may also push Muriel over the edge – without Crowley to stop her from setting on the path of destruction. Of course, Crowley won’t stay dead – there’s a “happy ending” tag on this fic after all (which I personally kind of wish there wasn’t – the tag, I mean!! – since it would make me feel things a lot more intensely).

Alternatively, we’ll find out about the afterlife for celestials (which was briefly mentioned when Aziraphale was in the cell, convinced that Crowley was dead), and that’s where the Ineffable Husbands will be reunited. It makes all the more sense since they have discussed Crowley moving into the bookshop and both of them moving to South Downs, and as per general rule, things that are discussed theoretically don’t come to pass in a narrative.

If my prediction in the previous point is correct, this will turn out to be the reason behind the fall, or at least one of the reasons. Crowley will have always been the sacrifice and the Metatron and Lucifer were doing all they could to keep him from developing selflessness and love.

Super-dark option: it’ll be Aziraphale who ends up killing Crowley. Hear me out! Aziraphale tells Muriel he’s ready to take extreme measures “when needs absolutely must”. He will choke on these words and his conviction when it turns out he has to kill Crowley. Aziraphale was also ready to sacrifice himself to protect the world, and back in heaven he was resigned to not surviving the Second Coming. But sacrificing Crowley was something he will never be ready to do. I don’t think he’ll manage to kill Crowley on purpose. If it happens, it’ll be an accident or Crowley’s decision (piercing himself with the flaming sword that Aziraphale’s holding or something like that).

There are also some bits I’ve fished out, but I have no theories regarding them. Listing them below just to note that I find them significant and expect the remaining 6 chapters to address them:

What memory Crowley lost when he followed Muriel into the lake – it’ll be plot-important.

How Muriel was “twice blessed by god”.

What happened to god. I was trying to come up with something substantial there, but honestly, I got nothing. She may be wicked, playing her “ineffable game” to prove a point to Lucifer. She may be despairing over her creations of love fucking everything up. She may be missing / dead / ensnared by the Metatron (unlikely – Lucifer talked to her after the Fall… although he may have come to see her in prison). She may be metamorphosed under the influence of her flawed creation. She may be the patient parent waiting for her children to finally get it right without influencing their free will (which could also be shown critically – you don’t test your children to destruction).

The purpose of angels’ existence.

The ending of the sentence “Aziraphale, Angel of the Eastern Gate, and Crawley, the Serpent of Eden. They should not be…” I’m particularly curious about this one. This could go in so many ways! “They should not be… together”? “…separated”? “…reunited”? “…in love”? “…on opposite sides”? When AziraCrow hear the end of that sentence, it’s bound to be a turning point!

The Metatron and Lucifer’s connection and motivations.

And some miscellaneous stuff I’m expecting to might be important but I may as well be completely off my mark:

Why Rikbiel insists on being called Rikki.

Saraqael (I won’t be surprised if she turns out to be god).

Items in the vault: the trumpet and the wooden chest (I’m suspecting it might be the Arc of the Covenant, but got nothing beyond that).

Why Rikki says to Jophiel “Looks like it’s time” as they’re about to leave Hell. The thread is abruptly cut off by Beez bursting out laughing over Crowley being considered a hero. Seems to be done on purpose, Doyle-wise.

What the orange glow signifies (Abaddon? god?).

Editing, because I almost forgot! Some tiny predictions for There is a Light & It Never Goes Out:

Crowley will prepare a romantic dinner for Aziraphale (PhoenixRose314 kind of hinted it to me in one of her replies to my comments on AO3, saying Crowley "will enjoy a proper meal at some point in this fic").

They will dance to "A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square" inside the lighthouse. I'm 99% sure of this one - there's a reason we were told of Crowley's CD collection ;) We'll be getting a fluffy rendition of the dance that was painfully interrupted in You Don't Dance - The Story of 1941.

[nancydrewwouldnever]

I feel like the majority of his impetus behind ASP was his disgust with Trump. It feels like it was his more physical manifestation of his anti-Trump stance, beyond his tweets of the time. I feel like once Trump lost re-election in 2020 his politics interest started waning big time.// I noticed this too. I started questioning it ever since he brought the idea forward and doing interviews about it. It felt like a vanity project against trump with interviews of not so great republicans. Then once trump started going downhill and lost, his interest in it has almost disappeared. I wonder if he feels like he accomplished anything with ASP. I don’t think we’ll ever know but from the outside looking in, it doesn’t feel that way to me. However I do think it could’ve been a very decent political site if there was just more of a long term focus and determination about it. He’s just not a person who has that, in my opinion.

So, obviously, I'm using some older asks still in the inbox to spur some things I'm thinking about while I have asks off.

While I do believe in the loss of interest after Trump was out of office, I also want to talk about what ASP might have accomplished for Chris, even half-heartedly.

Let's not kid ourselves that ASP was not a cog in the wheel of a larger PR persona soft pivot strategy. Let's take a look:

The Wired Interview, January 2020 (clock when the interview actually happened though, October 2019 in L.A.)

So this was done not too many months after the Hollywood Reporter Interview of early 2019 that also teased the "quasi-retirement" angle and talked about ASP as well:

So, like any good business venture, using the year previous to launch to tease out the product. (The product being the reinvented post-Marvel Chris Evans.)

Then, a feather in the cap that would have hit at the same time as ASP's initial launch, had it not been for Covid, the Time Magazine May 2020 inclusion article:

But, to me, the real big score for any politico, a write-up in The Washington Post, October 22, 2020:

They even came to his MA house for the photoshoot, due to Covid.

The rebrand/pivot continued into 2021, post-election, but pre- him going back to more regular filming scheule. The Newsweek article, June 18-25, 2021 cover edition:

So, here we had it, the real gain from ASP, the post-Marvel all-grown up new Chris Evans PR persona. Yay.

Too bad whatever personal life decisions he made half-way through 2021 completely blew this up.

I would have liked to have seen where this version of Chris could have gone. (And I guess we'll never see this again, because he seems to have no interest in it anymore.)