#had no clue when i'd post so here u go

[piplupod]

i remember what i was panicky about and man i wish i didnt gjfkfl

[milkinthemicrowave]

Hey, Doctor Doctor meaning

I made a song called Hey, Doctor Doctor, and it's blown up recently. Thing is, hundreds of people have left me comments confused about what the song means, so I decided to finally put the basic meaning in a text post. Here's a really good animation of the song!! So u can listen :)

Lyrics:

Hey, Doctor Doctor! Could you tell me what's wrong? I know you're very busy so I won't make this too long I got a question 'bout the rain The fog that just won't go away And something quite absurd That I just learned the other day

I asked my friend a simple question 'bout the rain But then they all went quiet and looked at me in a funny way They asked me what I meant So I described the time I spent Avoiding all the puddles Though I still got wet

They said that morning had been a sunny day I asked the folks around us and they all said the same I sat confused, in my wet socks and shoes I shrugged and said "That's right! The sky wasn't gray, it was blue!"

But doctor doctor It's been so very long Since I've last seen the sun It seems they must just all be wrong Unless it's me who's been confused Then why've my blue skies been refused? And hidden from me by my rainy days?

So... what does it mean????????????????????????

Hey, Doctor Doctor is a simple metaphor about depression. People have also interpreted it as being about the neurodivergent experience and a bunch of other things, and those fit too. But I intended it to be about depression. It's about finding out the things you're struggling with aren't just something everyone deals with. The protagonist (I'll call 'em Pot) has to actively dodge puddles to get anywhere and lives in soggy clothes. When Pot goes "man, that rain's insane right?" to their friend, the friend has no clue what they're talking about. To everyone else, it's sunny outside. They don't have to think twice about where they step. At this point, Pot looks insane to everyone else, like they're hallucinating rain. So, even though their clothes are still dripping wet, they go "yeah haha my bad. you're right, it's sunny outside". In the end, Pot goes to see Doctor Doctor about it. You know in cartoons or that one Ronald McDonald ad where the sad person has the little rain cloud over them? That's the idea. It was raining outside one day and I thought "lmao what if only I could see this, that would be insane". Then I wrote a song about it. I totally see the neurodivergent spin on it, because the part where everyone looks at Pot weird definitely accidentally came from my experiences with diagnosed autism. Sometimes my relatable comedy landed: me: "you ever wake up and your brain feels like sludge?" friend: "yeah bro, all the time"

But sometimes my relatable comedy didn't land: me: "you ever walk across the street without looking when you're having a bad day, like gambling?" friend: "...no???" me: "you don't???" friend: "no?? are you okay??" me: friend: me: "I mean I haven't done that in a long time-" (literally did it last week) Ah, the joys of being neurodivergent. Never knowing what's appropriate to say. "Horrified looks from everyone in the room". If this explanation seems too detailed, I really thought this song was a simple metaphor, so I'm REALLY trying to be clear. Most people get it, but there's still hundreds that have been taking it literally. If you read this far, I'm shocked. Nobody ever uses comments on tumblr, but I'd love it if you commented "umbrella" and let me know you read down here. Thank u immensely for reading this far. So, even though I have literally never talked about it on Tumblr before, and don't expect anyone to see this, that's what my song "Hey, Doctor Doctor" means.

[foosybit]

Mayoi in PriPara Outfits Part 1

this is a suuuuuper long post cuz i did 2 drawings for about 20 outfits????? so here's the best ones so u dont miss anything by not actually going thru them all o7

but woooo !!! basically i've been on a long journey rewatching pripara very slowly so it's kinda seeping into my brain so i wanted to mess around with what outfits mayoi would go for if he went 2 pripara !! if u want a teal eyed version that also isnt split into parts, heres my pixiv post

last few things to say b4 i start, hello 3 pripara fans on my account, no boypara outfits cuz i didnt grow up with that (the last op i remember is the 6th one and i dont think im anywhere near that yet in my rewatch), honestly i have no clue if there's even proper boypara outfits??? i just know it exists idk anything about it, and if u see placeholders thats cuz i wanna keep the 3 image layout, thats the only reason why lol. and outfit descriptions will go below the art of the outfit. ok time 2 start !!!!!!

Petit Devi from Holic Trick Classic !! this was the first one I did back on.... Janurary 2nd lol. I have yet to see Mayoi in a bright pink but u know what, my executive decision says he deserves it. hi 3 pripara fans on my account again, i should also say most of these (like this one) will be from the arcade stuff cuz i just picked stuff i liked from the wiki's coord list

Sexy Girl from Holic Trick cuz Mayoi's the sexiest girl i know !! from now on all the coords will be from Holic Trick (an in-show brand) cuz 2bh w y'all i mostly just browsed Holic Trick for this whole series of drawings cuz im not going thru all those dam coords. although i've done 2 short skirts so far i do think mayoi'd like longer skirts more, but pripara likes short skirts more so so be it o7

Gothic Check !! the grey shirt and black jacket is kinda giving fs2 4star vibes so this would be the fs2 4star if enstars were cool (wore pripara outfits)

Modern Coffee Maid !! I was thinking of maybe changing the color but i liked the way the orange contrasts with the purple making it look kinda halloweeny :] I also have a personal bias towards brown i luv that color !! but ya if i had 2 say, he'd probably be a 3star if this were a set, kinda vaguely fits him but not enough to be under the spotlight imo

Classic Trump !! Sophy actually wears this in the show and i think it's so cute i wonder how the other alka members would style the vest in their own way (im 2 lazy 2 do that myself yawwnnn) in fact mayoi himself would probably prefer longer sleeves but u kno, stayed tru 2 the original n stuff, anyway say hello to bright pink again mayochan

Sparkling Jellyfish Sophy !! hi kanata hi fish wife hi nata hello nata hi nata whats up nata i love u nata

Nin'Nin Among the Water from Baby Monster !! when i saw this outfit i was chained to my tablet the demons were holding me hostage i had to make the ninja association wear it or i'd suffer a public execution

My Design Holic Trick !! back to holic trick for the rest again :] this is the one i posted on its own hehehehe it's still the one i put THE most effort into (which is why it's the only one i bothered to sign, still dont repost the rest tho please and thank u im just lazy) cuz man its a vibe its so good its one of my favs still i love stupid shorts and the puffy sleeves with the cropped vest and black and purple and the heart and bows and keys which are kinda all reasons i also like mayoi (heart in mayois vibe comes from his big heart muah) bless u mayoi i luv u

Night Navy !! mayoi loves to kill artists in cold blood with random intricate patterns (or maybe thats just an enstars thing in general) so i knew i had to give him this dress. gave him an undershirt cuz what if he gets cold :[

And that's it for this post !! I've now reached the image limit, so see ya in the next post !! (sorry foosybit followers for triple posting i didnt realize i drew so much)

[tylidae]

What's the lore with your fallout oc, Angel?

omg hi!! :-D

his infos a little all over the place because i've never 100% written it down, but i can try summing up the major stuff best i can for u.. lots of text under the cut-

ángel's from somewhere along the westish... i've not really figured out where. i'd like to imagine that for the most part he was just getting by. getting what he needed, doing what he needed, helping whoever needed help (when passing by) etc. dude was never a vault dweller or anything like that and pretty much grew up with his family in the wasteland. they maaaybe had a small farm/ranch. not to sell produce just like... live off of it ig. in some ways he was like a post-apocalyptic cowboy. and that’s how his life went for a while until.. i dunno. right before his 20s? maybe late teen years? i’ve not decided what happened with his family but i’d say they got separated and he found out bad stuff happened to them. it’s a little cliche ik. but he’s moved on from that at this point. sorta. maybe there’s a living lost relative out there that he don’t know about. I DON’T KNOW!!!!!!!!!! still have lots to think about with that. but anyways!!!!!!!!!!

at some point during his usual routine of hiking out towards... where ever he was going to get whatever he was going to get (have not put much thought into what he would've been grabbing u_u) things didn't go as smooth as they usually would. the difference being a big, green, nasty, incredibly irradiated deathclaw. it was probs a case of him noticing it way too late and not being able to get to somewhere it can't in time. bro prob saw his rifle too and was like "this is definitely not going to do shit" and tried booking it.

it's hard putting to words what i picture in my head like... the sequence of what happened-- but i imagine ángel running, cliche trip along a road (or maybe rock? whatever it would be it'd end up scraping one side of his jaw pretty bad.... or maybe instead tripping he got pushed by the thing... idk), and then being grabbed and sliced through his shoulder (and maybe somewhere else... i unno) by the dc.

pretty sure he gets knocked out, but it's a gray area with the dc leaving. i can't decide if it loses interest, is attacked by something else, or keels over and dies itself or sumn (ik they're not werewolves but i sure do love werewolf parallels! so it'd be like... passing on its yucky to him... although not reeeally.) and if todd's allowed to mess around with how things work then i can too! the wound it leaves ángel with heals... sort of... the caveat is that over some tiiiime (not short or too too long of a time span) it mutates his hand into a dc hand!

ángel picks up a new perspective on life (as you could imagine with a really fucked near death experience), like what he's doing, and if this thing going on with his arm is going to progress or 'stabilize.' maybe he tried going back to being his usual friendly "hey fellow traveller!" kind of self?? but after bad interactions (considering he has this crazy weird arm that he likely didn't cover up at first because it wasn't too serious) he starts keeping his arm in wraps and becomes a lot more withdrawn as a whole.

soon enough, probably after a breakdown of sorts, he figures fuck it! time to travel a whooooole lot. maybe to disconnect himself with what happened, or maybe find some sort of consolation (i guess in addition to further in his past. like him getting separated from family and them ending up passing?... i have no clue. regardless he got dealt the wrong hand at least twice. no pun intended.) perhaps he wants to find if there’s a way to reverse the whole hand situation. who knows! regardless-- he makes the trek eastward. just to go where ever and see whatever. do whatever as long as it’s fulfilling.

and ! well! he ends up in west virginia because.... fo76... and that’s where he’s at now! in summary he just likes to travel around and do stuff here and there without attracting too much attention to himself. ig in a way where its like... help out a few people if he wants to/has to and then move on. he’ll travel back west eventually. maybe. 

---

i will say that i do like slap him in alternate timelines/instances bc he’s a big fallout oc all around that i LOVE REUSING!!!!!!!!! but this is his most major info. my apologies if it’s kind of rough!!! like i said i’ve never really written it out before ; _ ; !!!

i think i’ll come up with a google doc or sumn that has his info laid out and neat on it. or toyhouse... i’ve not used that in forever. i’ll make something for him eventually. thanks for asking by the way!! :-D he’s one of my favorite ocs.

i’ve got lots of wips of him that i plan on finishing and posting soon LMAO i’ve just not. gotten around to that because of college <//3 

[acourtofantumbra]

Pulling at the Thread of the Day Court and the Dawn Court Pt. 2 - ACOSF Bonus Chapter + Witch Mirrors

☆ All SJM spoilers: ACOTAR, CC, and TOG ☆

This is a part two of what could be the longest, most unnecessary theory spiral that will cover the entirety of the SJM multiverse. If you haven't read that first, I'd recommend reading that before you begin. I laid out some beefy concepts and while not everything here directly relates to them... a good chunk of it does. However, it's your life and I support whatever choice you make. *smooch*

A warning… I will be quickly covering the cursed bonus chapter (which I enjoy and, in part, started me on this unhinged SJM theory path). That being said, it’s not where I spend the majority of my time. But if it upsets you, I completely understand, and encourage you to just skip this entirely *A word about my interest in ship sparring (read: none at all) and how I’m just having some fun while attempting to be patient for the next morsel of SJM content from the source herself.*

I always add books and page numbers (and try to add any other relevant citations) to the visuals/sources I use, so check those out if you need some extra info!

Color Key: spoilers, notes from me 2 u, important, important + links, mentioned later in the post, mentioned in another post of mine or in a future post

So in part one, I point out two moments that struck me and started this whole dang spiral... and part two is not the end... god I wish it was...

Quick recap: we covered Lucien and his friend Nuan at the Dawn Court who he says has some of the exact same powers Feyre has, which they both know to be Helion's Day Court magic. Which struck me as odd on many levels. Also, the connection to other faerie realms like Xian and the allusions to what seems like the Southern Continent from TOG.

Ok, but there were actually three things that led me to ramble on tumblr about book theories I have spent way too much time researching.

On my journey to figure out the Dawn Court's Master Tinkerer's —Nuan's — power, that Lucien discovers is the same as the Day Court power Feyre uses to break Hybern's wards, I drove straight into the rascal we've come to know as Helion. I <3 him.

Helion Parallel Scene & Plot King

We've spent time with a smattering of the High Lords, but we know some better than others. As of ACOWAR and ACOSF, Helion is starting to emerge as the third High Lord we "know" the best. In part because he's Rhys and the Night Court's strongest ally as a High Lord of one of the Solar Courts. But Helion also just keeps conveniently popping up in every developing plot line and many of the plot lines that were carefully set up and seemingly abandoned(?). Some examples...

He's incredibly powerful with curse breaking, ward breaking, [insert mysteriously powerful ability here that we don't know yet here], and, described as Rhys' opposite (but different than Tamlin), has a winged beast form that is sunlight embodied... and kind of seems like a griffin maybe? So add that to ever growing list of winged boys throughout the multiverse which is potentially a very important clue

He's Lucien's biological father

He had a long love affair with the Lady of Autumn and that history seems... incomplete and not fully out of the picture

He's got pegasi and no one else has pegasi, but they can't seem to breed anymore

He's got the most libraries (warning: a post on libraries is coming)

According to Rhys there's "trouble at home" for Helion in ACOSF

He's one of the brightest boys in all the land (though Thesan is the brightest) just when we're getting into multiverse Starborn lore

He has the strongest negative reaction to the Dread Trove and can barely stand to be in their presence

Incredibly curious about Nesta... always

I could keep going tbh... and frankly... I want to

I plan on doing a full Helion deep dive, but got distracted by something else first.

So once I started digging into our first full encounter with both Helion and Nuan, a quick thought from Feyre had me screeching to halt. Because... well... its similarities to a certain controversial bonus chapter was... striking to say the least.

So this is Feyre drinking in Helion as the High Lords meet at the Dawn Court to discuss the impending war with Hybern. She's seen him briefly before, but she was a little busy dying.

For some reason she can't stop thinking about her dad and a necklace he brought home from his travels as a merchant. As I've previously said, whenever Sarah includes "couldn't explain why" or "it sort of seemed like this was happening," etc... it's an important detail. Not the most subtle of tools, but hey it's what works for her. And obviously it works because we have all skimmed over moments like these and have been like, "oh my god there it was!"

So in addition to being kind of hungry(?), she "couldn't quite explain why, but" she's picturing "that ancient necklace," she's also associating Helion with a suspiciously familiar land... but one that's notably not one of the seven courts. To me it most resembles a place not located in the world of ACOTAR. It reminds me of the Southern Continent in TOG, which would explain a lot about the connections we have (in this one meeting alone) to alchemists, healing fae powers, magical objects, and more.

Hey Feyre, any clue if your nameless father was was traveling by boat or interdimensional portal?

Ok, now let's compare with Azriel's bonus chapter from ACOSF (yes, I'm bracing myself)... before we do I just want to note: I'm aware a lapis lazuli pendant vs a rose window style stained glass situation isn't the same thing... but... ok just look:

So we've got golden necklaces with a pendant that both Feyre and Azriel think are ooh so sparkly and colorful and secretly beautifully crafted when you look close.

They're also both flooded with pictures, Feyre sees the necklace memory when she's in Helion's presence and Azriel has a vision of Gwyn receiving the necklace when Clotho (oh, I'm gonna be dedicating some time to her one day) mentions it, and they both don't know why. In fact, they find it odd that these visuals came to them. But the memory vs vision distinction is worth noting.

Do I find it very interesting that Helion and Gwyn (tho one could argue Clotho and let's throw in Father Archeron too) inspire these visions of what I will soon explain are almost universal mystical objects? SURE DO.

I also CANNOT find the the interview, but Sarah was asking her friend/interviewer what she thought of the Azriel bonus chapter and alluded to some crucial easter eggs being sprinkled in there. So naturally, when these scenes reminded me of each other I took notice.

A Detour to Witch Mirrors

So let's talk about these pendants! We get a good amount of jewels and jewelry talk in ACOTAR (Amren loves 'em and Rhys has a room like a void full of 'em above the library), but these are fairly unique moments, which is why the comparison came to mind to begin with.

I will get into TOG necklaces and will just note that we obviously have a very important necklace in CC as well — Bryce's Archesian Amulet. I think her amulet is also part of this conversation, but I just wont get into it here.

Rose windows

Ok, so I have seen most folks are assuming that the "rose fashion of stained glass" has been interpreted by most folks as an actual rose, like the flower. A very Beauty and the Beast-like rendering. That's not how I interpreted the the pendant when I saw "rose" preceding "stained glass." Do I know for sure which interpretation is correct? Obviously, no. But when the word rose is applied to types of stained glass design, what is being described is not a traditional flower, but the mandala-style design more commonly associated with gothic cathedrals. Yes, there are pendants (and many other glass objects) that take on this design and it has a rich history, which connects to a lot of SJM set up throughout the multiverse... so I'm going to continue forward assuming my interpretation is correct. And I'll remain fully open to being 200% wrong in the future.

Ok, rose windows: often associated with gothic architecture and cathedrals, their design has spiritual, mystical, significance due to its sacred geometry. Rose windows "transformed the cathedral into an actual “living vessel of the soul”, an embodiment of the “temple within” in which the human and divine can could merge into one." Additionally, rose windows are mandalas (middle photo above): one of the most ancient and universal symbols known to man. They mean many things to many traditions, but often aid in meditation, spiritual journeys, trance states, and mystic arts (this is an incredibly condensed reading of a deeply complex and wide reaching symbol). "The mandala represents man’s relationship with the cosmos, often a symbol of balance between entities."

Back to rose windows, the mystery and mastery of how pure, saturated colors could be technically achieved, rendered in glass as sacred geometry, "led to speculation that alchemy and alchemists may have been involved in its creation." To alchemists, [the rose glass was] “the flower of those who have wisdom, of the perfected soul, and the soul striving toward perfection.”  So not too far off from that magnum opus mission aka the philosopher's stone? -> remember how I said I did a whole post talking about alchemy and would probably keep talking about it? It's not too late to dive into the deep end with me and just accept that I'm dealt all the way in on alchemy here.

Lapis lazuli

A "symbol of royalty and honor, gods and power, spirit and vision. It is a universal symbol of wisdom and truth." Tbh this stone could have it's own post with the number of meanings it's been assigned... but it's "one of the oldest spiritual stones known to man; used by healers, priests, and royalty..." and is believed to be a "powerful stone for thinking and spirituality, and it has a very high vibration," allowing it to "increase self-knowledge and awareness of one’s own thoughts and can help you to trust your inner wisdom." It also enhances psychic and intuitive abilities, and connects the spiritual realm with the physical. Some traditions believed a god's spirit was contained within the stone. Lapis lazuli also has connections to alchemy's mythological magnum opus known as the philosopher's stone "lapis philosophorum." (one day i might be brave enough to dive into the philosopher's stone... we'll see)

So what does any of this mandala, rose window, lapis, and alchemy stuff have to do with a fun fantasy book series or really... anything? Well, know that I'm unhinged. But, ok, the two necklaces and their symbolisms aren't the same per se, but have more things in common than they do differences. And I find their differences interesting because we return to the connection between lapis lazuli and Feyre's memory; and rose glass and Azriel's vision. Lapis is related to self-knowledge and intuition, while rose glass has been connected to fate within the cosmos and transformation of the soul.

So maybe the necklace Feyre saw doesn't sound like a perfect visual match to the necklace Azriel buys... there was another very important necklace described as ancient, gold, and lapis colored. The Eye of Elena from Throne of Glass (the third picture in the trio above). Looks pretty mandala-like doesn't it?

In the beginning of TOG, Queen Elena gives Aelin an amulet of great power — that she and others wear consistently throughout the series — from whatever world or realm she portaled in from. Dorian identifies it as the lost, legendary Eye of Elena. Eyes again relate back to my alchemy conversation and the Gate of Truth — interesting that they find a recreation of the Eye of Elena alter at the God of Truth's altar/temple. But Manon is the one to point out that this name for the pendant/amulet is incorrect... because the eye is actually a witch mirror.

Here are a collection of excerpts, which will be kind of confusing if you haven't read TOG, but I'll quickly break them down below and hopefully get to witch mirrors on their own one day.

In TOG we have encountered a bunch of witch mirrors, but their scope is still kind of mysterious. So Sarah we really need you to finally release The World of Throne of Glass, plz and ty.

We know from Maeve that there are "mirrors to spy, to travel, to kill." Below are essentially all of the known mirror powers thus far... and that's starting to all sound pretty familiar isn't it?

In TOG, we have power mirrors like Witch towers that amplify magic like the yielding ability (*sobs*) to cause incredible destruction. We also have more traditional mirror-looking witch mirrors. Like the traveling mirror Aelin and Manon enter to access Elena's memories of the Lock (and her failed attempt at containing Erawan/her series-long grift).

Most importantly, Manon corrects Aelin regarding the Eye of Elena and says it's a witch symbol called The Eye of the Goddess — and references the three-faced goddess we encounter in every world with the Mother, Maiden, and the Crone. We later discover the TOG Sun Goddess Mala had a Cochran witch help her put her "very essence" into a "small witch mirror disguised as a blue stone" meant to forge a Lock and contain a Valg King.

Also Manon alludes to there being... more than just the one Eye of the Goddess perhaps?

The Eye of the Goddess contains Mala's power just as Lapis Lazuli was believed to do. Plus, we enter the "rare silvers whose forging demands something vital from the maker" territory that... once again... screams alchemy. When Elena's wastes is one usage it doesn't just crap out like an old battery. Time and time again it protects Aelin & co. and provides a direct path to the TOG gods... like when Deanna possesses Aelin and is remarkably destructive... and one could argue a little unhelpful.

Witch Mirrors In Conclusion...

Am I confident I know exactly why the Feyre-Helion ACOMAF and Azriel-Clotho-Gwyn ACOSF scenes read the same? No. Do I think we have some witch mirrors in ACOTAR? I really do. And that's not even including the whole Bog of Oorid conversation...

We know when Bryce lands in Prythian we, now more than ever, need ways to communicate or travel to other worlds. In Throne of Glass it becomes clear that witch mirrors are at least one effective and proven way to do this. I think Sarah would have baked in some tools that have been sitting in plain sight to help us be able to do that.

Do I think we haven't even seen the tip of the iceberg re: witches in ACOTAR/all the worlds? For sure. (and it's a convo for another time because I need to fully read up on witch mirrors and witches y'all). But I think it's very possible a certain singing priestess now owns a potentially world speaking or walking necklace/witch mirror - the same objects Dorian asks Maeve about in KOA. The kind that might make themselves known as something different by projecting images, whether they're memories or visions.

I am really just scratching the surface here, but this is all the spiraling I had budgeted for today.

[nopefer-art-tu]

OH MY GOD I CANT BELIEVE I ALMOST MISSED POSTING ABT BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN'S ANNIVERSARY???? im gonna get mushy here so if yall wanna skip this go for it i wont hold it against you lol but this movie means a lot to me (if u cant tell) and id just kinda like to share a little bit abt why

I remember when I first saw Brokeback, I'd been either a junior or senior in high school, and I had watched it with my ex. I literally have no clue how we got to watching it or who proposed we watch it in the first place, but I remember that even back then I had been incredibly moved by the story.

Cut to 5-6 years later, and in January of this year I'd been in the midst of a really, super dark depression thanks to some health issues that I've been dealing w for awhile now. It made it so that on top of COVID, I wasn't rly getting out of the house for anything but school, and even then doing that took a really big toll on my anxiety. So basically, from the time that the 2021 winter semester had ended for me in early December, to when school started back up again for the spring in late January, I hadn't left the house at all.

In mid January, like a week before school started back up for me, I was scrolling through Hulu, bored out of my mind and also trying to find something to occupy my time and thoughts w bc I'd been going stir crazy, and I saw that Brokeback had been listed again. I kinda lingered on it because I remember phil (@/senditothemoonn) had watched it like a month or two before and she had started talking abt it in our group chat and posting quotes abt it and stuff, and it had been awhile since I'd seen it so I was like hey! What the hell! Lets give it a watch, its time I watch it again anyways.

And like. Something happened to the world for me after that viewing. It was like it had blown apart, and when it came back together it was completelty rearranged for me.

I'm not entirely sure why that time around the movie has such a deep, DEEP impact on me when I had seen it before, and had been very touched by it back then. I think its partly that a. I never used to watch movies with subtitles, and so before I realized that I probably have issues with the way my mind processes sound, a lot of movie dialogue just kinda. Didn't get internalized by me for some reason? Even now when I rewatch old faves that I haven't seen with subtitles, I'm always astounded by what the hell theyre saying because I had never rly picked up on it before, lol.

And like...I mean if you've seen the movie then you already know this, but their accents and dialect are kinda hard to get through. ESPECIALLY when it comes to Heath as Ennis. Which isn't in any way a jab at him, I think every part of his performance is super thoughtful and well-crafted and every acting choice he makes serves the character in only positive ways. But when you already have issues processing audio, and when you have a character who's jaw is perpetually cleched so tight that the words literally have to "fight" their way out of his mouth, its just like. Not the best combination lol.

And so this time around when I saw the movie, I saw it with subtitles and it opened up a new dimension of the film to me. Honest to God, the first time I watched the movie, I had no idea that the shirts at the end were so signifigant because Jack had stolen Ennis'. I guess the first time I saw it, I didn't catch the part where Ennis talks about having left his damn shirt up there, and Jack just kinda shrugs it off and changes the subject. When I saw that moment this time, it didn't really strike me as anything important until the movie got to the end and you realize that Jack had kept the shirts all those long 20 years and UGH. I literally remember screaming with tears in my eyes, thats what happened to the shirt! There they are! And then when I saw that Ennis had put his shirt over Jack's to hang together on his closet door for the rest of his life? Dead. Dead, I was literally stabbed in the heart 50 million times and killed dead. I'd never made those connections before and now that I had I like. got it, yanno? I got why this was an oscar winner, and why people were sk devastated by its best picture loss. Not that I hadn't before, but it just hit so much harder.

So yeah, the subtitles probably had a lot to do w why its stayed lingering in my mind for a long while, but I also think its because in a few ways it kind of spoke to me and made me think about my health issues and the self-imposed quarantine that I'd put myself through for the better part of a year at that point.

To me, the whole story is about regret, about not taking the chances we have while we have them and having to learn to live with knowledge of the things we didn't let ourselves do and the memories we didn't let ourselves make.

I hadn't seen a lot of my family for awhile at that point because I just didn't want to be out of my house, and its only been recently that I realized how much life I've missed out on living for a good year and a half-ish or so. And like yeah, I have a reason, my health issues and super aggressive anxiety have kinda put me through the ringer. But I dunno like. I kind of empathized and related to Ennis' character in a really odd way, because he also let his fear control what he did and especially what he did not do, and for that, he ended up living a half-life and missed his chance of getting to spend his time with the person he loved the most.

For me, the fear of regret is one of my biggest motivators in doing literally anything. I've realized I don't want to end up like Ennis, isolating myself from my loved ones and missing out on the chance for love and life because of some issues I have. And I mean its not like they're not real issues. Just like the fears that motivated Ennis' actions, theyre very real concerns. But since seeing the movie, I've been a lot more proactive about seeing doctors and trying to get this shit fixed up, because I don't want to end up wasting my life away. I wanna find my Jack, and I wanna be happy, and I wanna live.

Anyways. Happy 17th birthday to my favorite movie in the world <3

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

the anon who doesnt have aspd and taught myself empathy again here! i've never talked to a psych (self diagnosed autism) and as a teen i was p sure i had aspd (i Knew shit was strange w me and really wanted an explanation and once i figured out my mix of trauma and autism things made sense) coz lack of remorse and shit but i never actually really matched the rest of it -- i dont have substance abuse issues and never have, im p easily entertained, i've had the same three friends basically my entire life. i do though describe myself as the worlds most boring hedonist coz like yeah i sometimes have a hard time controlling my impulses and im motivated by fun but for me thats usually p simple -- easily entertained. read a book, video games, jump around to music. i AM frequently bored though?? like its my most frequent emotion and ive spent a Long time learning to cultivate my joy and really feel it properly. but im also the most easily excitable person i know. i dunno, i have v large emotions that appear then disappear quite quickly. a favourire hobby of mine since i was a kid has been to start arguments between the ppl i care abt and see how large i could make them in a single session then solve the argument w/o the ppl realising i'd manufactured and egged on the argument. which typing that out now seems uh. an interesting hobby. but late last year i told my younger brother and he laughed coz its a v me thing to do and was like "yo thats fucked. pls stop doing it to me" so since then ive mainly tried to just like playfully tease ppl in a normal way coz cognitively i understand its a fucked thing to do and im trynna be like, a decent person who doesnt go outta my way to play w ppl for funsies. which yeah that uh... maybe i Should look into aspd more again, i did a fairly shallow look into it as a teen and relating to azula as much as i did as a kid (and izaya as an older teen/young adult) was deff a sign of smth

i've followed you on this blog for a while (i think you'd only had it for a couple weeks when i first followed u?) so yeah i did know the story abt u and ur fiance! v cute

i feel like maybe we need a different identifier than "the anon who doesnt have aspd" because that might not be, uh. accurate! i have o clue why a lot of people with aspd seem to congregate around my account but i guess this is an aspd helpline now??????? whuh????

like im not complaining its just. how did i get here

also i think ive deadass used the "worlds most boring hedonist" descriptor for myself before and i deal w chronic boredom the same way you do- i have a LOT of hobbies and i plan elaborate projects and that entertains me but only temporarily

and thats the thing about aspd! it- like every other disorder- is a spectrum. you might not have substance abuse issues, and i do. you did.... your interesting hobby, and i find it morally fucked!* i have no idea your relationship with criminality, and i got fired for stealing

*i have done something similar but i have a moral policy of like, only fucking with people who Deserve It. who deserves what varies case by case and what exactly i do... i need to explain weird spiritual stuff to go in depth andyeah im not really itchin to be called crazy on tumblr dot cum

aspd in general is very misunderstood and no literature really focuses on what its like to have the disorder, only the perceived damage being around someone with the disorder will bring- which is why i initially self diagnosed thru tumblr posts from ppl talking about their symptoms in a serious educative way

sometimes i think like, maybe i don't have aspd, maybe i'm just autistic and i'm spreading misinformation- but i never really felt "at home" with other autistic people. its like- yeah i click better with other autistic people, but i'm still masking, i'm still faking, and even in this situation i can drop the mask partially but not fully. growing up with a personality disorder and trauma in communities largely filled with autistic people with trauma, very quickly teaches you that there's something different about you. it's an isolating, traumatizing feeling- my experience with this was mainly symptoms of npd, but like.... knowing you have a problem, wanting it fixed, and knowing nobody around you knows how deep the problem runs, and might even find its existence laughable or dangerous... it's isolating! and its shitty!!

generally i tend to Know if things i'm doing are bad or not, i just tend to not care in the moment, because it's better than being bored! entertainment wins out over everything. it's actually kind of terrible; i'll do stuff just to see a reaction out of people- it's like izaya, honestly, what happens when people are pushed to their breaking points?

thats kind of how i got so much into angst and psychological horror. not only did i want to break the characters, i wanted to break my audience. i'd tell my friends detailed stories about torture partly because i was interested in my story, mostly because i wanted to see their horrified reactions. i wanted to see how far was "too far," and i keep that stuff in my current narratives- i keep the pov extremely tight and do silly little tricks with narrative and formatting to make the audience feel like they're Really There

so yeah look into aspd. do it boy listen to me im the ps5 im speaking to you inside your brain. do it boy do it

[elytrafemme]

hellloooo!!! ^-^

made my way over here after only just realising you had a tumblr ahhHh (it’s what i get for not reading through authors notes well) and first of all omg i love the layout!!! so cool!!! so colorful !!!!

also also — very out of the loop here lol but which week is the cough syrup update at? no pressure to answer of course tho :P i just have Zero clue of what is going on haha

HI ANON HI!!!

welcome welcome hello :D welcome to the space where i post about random bullshit 24/7! thank u the layout is sparked by my adam lambert love posting a couple days ago!

absolutely no worries, I realize that only people who read CS and happen to have a tumblr get the day to day updates on when chapters are coming out - which is unfortunate but i'd rather not update the fic with a false chapter establishing things

currently, the chapter is set to come out within the next couple of days, hopefully before or at least on next Tuesday. I'm going to make a mention of it on the next chapter but TLDR things in life are busy and i think currently im going to want to play CS by when-i'm-available until start of 2023, in which fingers crossed im more available than i currently am rn.

so that's kind of where i'm thinking for chapter; it WILL come out at some point for sure! just taking me a little <3 much love and happy to have u here!

[crappymixtape]

sorry u don't have to post this

But its so fucking stupid people keep bringing up the same shit- ESPECIALLY people trying to tie it to what is going on on Gaza WHEN LITERALLY WHATEVER HAPPENED BETWEEN EM AND AUTUMN HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT

Like im sure both people had distress and were upset about what happened but let's NOT try to act like it is on the same level as a literal genocide

Also yall dont owe us anything. You can share on her or not (while obv i would want u to share denouncing the "war" i am not going to jump down your throat because my friend runs solely a fanfic blog and shares that...little weird and desensitized to see smut after smut then war then smut again. Some people use this to escape reality and yes that is privileged of us but also we have 0 clue what is going on in your personal life etc)

Like...people complain the fandom is dying and are pointing fingers when three are pointing back at themselves like ????????

Anyways love u if u have a way to tell Emmy we care pls do.

abso-fucking-lutely, nonny ( WARNING: i get political and shit up in this, so avoid if you don't have the space )

there is so much happening in the world right now and at the end of the day it's so disheartening and discouraging ( especially for me as a mom ) – idk about you but i NEED this place. i NEED this outlet. somewhere i can try and find joy to refill my cup so i can keep fighting against all this bullshit. so i can recharge and get back out to push for equality and the right to live and against genoc!de and racism and capitalist dicks and the future of this planet and god dammit even just writing that is SO heavy.

so why do we come here and hate on each other for trivial things? why do we come here and pile more shit onto plates that are already full? why are we putting so much energy and effort into pulling each other down when we could be lifting each other up? when even just that small act of support ( or just shutting tf up! ) can make things better or at least not make them worse?

i recognize my privilege and understand opportunities that i have are not accessible to everyone and i work really hard to democratize those opportunities. i work hard to undo my bias, to unlearn, to get comfortable with the uncomfortable and i'd be down to have those conversations with people! but not on anon. and not in an aggressive shitty matter. come to me human-to-human and TALK TO ME. it's how we make progress, it's how we learn from each other. it's how we widen our POV and change our opinions and grow, but doing it with malice and anger is NOT it.

i just truly don't understand. we all have ONE life. why would we spend it filling it with hate and vitriol? it's just not worth it. and i don't have the patience or the time to deal with bullshit. there are bigger things i aspire to, bigger causes that need my energy and commitment and if you're not down or you're on a vendetta to ruin someone's life ( or tumblr rep i guess?? ) then i think you should just go.

this place allows people to keep pursuing something outside of what they're swimming ( or honestly sometimes drowning ) in. it gives us, gives me, the boost to keep fighting the good fight so don't drag us into it.

the ST fandom might feel like it's dying, but there are still some incredible writers on here who share the love and true sentiment of the characters we love so much. as long as i'm here i'll always bring life to steve and eddie. don't let shitty people take it from you. tumblr or not those characters and the way they make you feel will always be yours.

and of course i'll tell emmy, babe ♥️♥️

[practically-an-x-man]

Fanfic ask game

E (King, but I may have already asked you this before?), L, N, T, U, V, W

thank you!!!

E: If you wrote a sequel to [King], what would it be about?

Well, this one's tough because I don't have the full story in King and Lionheart to go off of. I imagine it would involve the Corinthian tracking down the cause of Lee's untimely death and... let's just say, bringing swift justice to whoever's involved. But honestly I haven't really thought about a sequel for that one.

L: How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?

I have no freaking clue. I revise as I go, and then do one final sweep when I post it to AO3 (largely because I need to input all the bolds and italics that don't transfer over). Usually when I open the document, I start by re-reading what i did on the previous day and editing it before I add more.

N: Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you?

Not really? Even if I managed to find the absolute best writer in the world, it wouldn't be the same story as if I wrote it myself. That's not a vanity thing, just that there's a way I want these stories to go and it wouldn't be quite the same if someone wrote them for me

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand?

I avidly avoid ABO stuff, I find it intensely uncomfortable. Or anything that involves strict possessiveness or domineering, really. I can appreciate a character who is protective of their significant other, but I have problems when it veers into possessiveness.

U: Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.

(To keep this even, I'm avoiding writers that I'm friends with. Bestie I love your writing and there's several others on here too that have INCREDIBLE writing styles and easily make the favorites list, but I want to stay 100% impartial)

sunstones on AO3 - They haven't posted anything in a while, but I was an absolutely avid follower of their Spider-Man fics. They have an incredible penchant for descriptions and extended metaphors, a writing style that's chock-full of hidden details and foreshadowing

a_reader_and_a_writer on AO3 - They've written oneshots and drabbles for easily a half-dozen of my favorite characters, and every single one is delightfully written and effortlessly in-character

brigid1318 on AO3 - Similarly, they haven't posted in a while, but they were one of the first authors I read when I got into fanfic. Not only is their writing style absolutely lovely and their plots delightfully unique, they offered support on one of my earliest fics (even though it had to be a bit of a struggle to read through, since I was still pretty new to writing) and are a big part of why I'm so active in writing now

V: If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose?

Hmm... this is a little tough because so many of the fics I read are unfinished, so I don't know how they'll end or where a sequel would go. In terms of finished fics, I'll go with The Demons Within by your_dragon_just_shot_at_me, it's a crossover between X-Men and Doctor Strange, and it's just so wonderfully unique and well-written that I'd love more! (plus so few people write for Alex Summers, I want more wherever I can get it lol)

For fics I'd love to see an update/continuation on, I'll go with The Empty World by strawberry_jam_and_sunsets. Again, such an interesting premise and main character, and wonderfully in-character for Donald Pierce. It's a slowburn too, so I'm currently dying of tension waiting for an update!!

W: Do you like more general prompts, or more specific ones?

I think it depends? If I'm writing something small, like a warmup drabble to spark motivation, I'd rather have something specific. That way I can think more about the characters without having to worry about what direction I'm going with it, and I can get warmed up for more "high-intensity" writing later.

But if I'm writing something longer, like a gift fic, I'd rather have a more general prompt so the final product can still be a surprise.

Fanfic Asks

[daisy-glasses-archive]

Give me reasons we should be complete You should be with him, I can't compete You looked at me like I was someone else, oh well Can't you see?... I don't wanna slow dance...

ł₦ ₮ⱧɆ Đ₳Ɽ₭

[mull3ts]

— 2021.

hey shawties <3

another day, another slay. TAKE THIS POST AS A TUMBLR WRAPPED EXCEPT IM DOING IT AHA. anyways, this year was rather eventful 🤨 i hope you've all had a good year, MINE WAS LIKE A SOLID 8/10 THERE'S GONNA BE TWO MAYBE THREE IMPORTANT THINGS THIS POST IS GONNA CONTAIN SO LETS START.

1. I graduated :D

bWAHAHHAHHHAHHAAHAH i finally graduated college like a total girboss. ik what you're thinking, i WAS IN COLLEGE?

y e a h

i girlbossed, got by bachelor's of science in psychology, and am now an assistant professor in abnormal psychology thEn after i finish a semester of assisting in that i was offered to teach forensic psychology :D because i got a minor in, yk it doesnt matter aNyWAYS SO YEAH THAT'S, THAT'S WHAT I'LL BE DOING.

2. IM GETTING MARRIED???????

yeah ik that sounds really weird to say and to type out, bUT IM GETTING MARRIED????

idk when to tell yall but here we are 🙄 IM MARRYING YOUR PADRE THIS FEELS REALLY WEIRD TO TYPE OUT WTF anywhosies but now his era of always going to tiffany makes sense now. IK WHAT YOU MIGHT BE THINKING, MADRE??? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN??? WHEN DID HE PROPOSE??? it happened like on my birthday i cnant. anywhosies- it's happening. in the spring. because I LIKE HOW IT LOOKS OUTSIDE IN THE SPRING AND I HAVE THIS FILM THING CALLED EKTACHROME 100 SPEED AND ITS FUCKING PRETTY. SO I WILL BE A MARRIED WOMAN, IN THE SPRING.

I FEEL SO AMAZED YET ODD, IS 22 YOUNG TO BE MARRIED? I HAVE NO CLUE IM JUST YOLO-ING. SOMEBODY ASK ME A FUCKING QUESTION TO MAKE SURE THAT IM SURE ABOUT YOUR PADRE BECAUSE YES I DO LOVE HIM SO VERY MUCH OH MY GOD THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME.

i need to breathe 🤨

tO cLARIFY THO I AM NOT LEAVING RIGHT NOW, I WILL PROB MAKE MY DEPARTURE FROM THIS BLOG IN A FEW MONTHS SO DONT WORRY! :D

3. the blog.

whAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO THE BLOG??? LUCKY FOR YOU ALL WHEN I MAKE MY DEPARTURE FROM THIS BLOG IN THE SPRING/SUMMER, THE BLOG IS JUST GONNA GET REBRANDED :D the one and only, @je-no will be the admin of this blog, SO YOU'LL GET CAM, SHOW CAM LOVE SHE'S GREAT, SHE'S MY BBGORL YALL, MY IRL WIFE GO SAY HI TO HER CAMILLA MY BBYGORL, MY SLUT IF YOU SEE THIS I LOVE YOU WHAT A BISEXUAL ICON SHE IS I DONT KNOW WHY I MENTIONED THAT I LOVE HER anyways all that's prob gonna change about is the url, layout, and admin. the url is gonna change to @/mull3ts SO IF YOU SEE THIS BLOG BECOME THAT YK WASSUP.

ikik, MADRE WE WILL MISS YOU, I WILL MISS YOU TOO. so for that very reason the @/earth-to-that-asian url will become a side blog that i'll still check every now and then if you still wanna contact me from the grave or ask if i have a kid or got a divorce, but im sure cam will prob give you abi life updates. she'll queue all of those beautiful drafts i have and still give you more of what's expected, nct dilf and stepbro so you all will still be fed with quality content.

Surprise, surprise—camilla the great loves dilfs

I'LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING ELSE WHEN I ACTUALLY LEAVE THO DW :D show camilla love and she will return it by marrying you and calling you her bitch, i promise she doesn't bite, gO TALK TO HER, SEND HER AN ASK RN AT @je-no

m'kay, now that everything is absolutely out of the way, i'd like to thank anyone who's honestly ever come in contact with this blog because it honestly means so much. to all my moots, anons, and everyone ever, from the bottom of my heart—thank you. my heart esp goes out to my shawties who've deactivated, you are never forgotten to me babes. i hope you all have an amazing 2022, ONLY THE BEST FOR THE GIRLS, GAYS AND THEYS—DEMOLISH 2022 WITH THE SHEER FORCE OF DAT ASS

— sincerely, abi.

look at that ass, look at that fucking ass. do you shit with that ass babygorl? dayum shawty u thicc asf gimme sum of that...

happy 2022 <33

[redxblueihateloveyou]

Hey i really love your blog!!! I just plucked the courage to actually send u an ask fhdjhd but GOSH i love your video edits and your gifs and your meta article posts, you're so articulate and you can explain/describe moments in a way that makes me go "oh wow, i cant believe i haven't seen it that way before!!" Haha ANYWAYS i'm just here to say that i completely agree with what all u said, Free creators might do a lil fanservice here and there for the 25 ships that exists within the fandom's circle, but rinharu's storyline is clearly the most romantic one! And i'd argue it's the one closest to being canon esp after part 1, i mean the fact that they put such an explosive emotional outburst right at the end of the second to the last movie means a lot. It's like reinforcing the fact that this series has always been about them, and everything that has happened only happened either because they met or they grew appart and miss eachother. I kinda feel like maybe.. juust maayyybe there's a chance KA wants to make the ship canon, since it's the last movie and they want to end it on a highnote maybe (bcs honestly i think the only reason they've been holding back is purely bcs of the merch sales, since they don't have a problem showing a wholesome lesbian love story in kobayashi maid dragon) butt i could be wrong, maybe i'm just overly optimistic and delusional, they could somehow ruin it and give an ending that panders to all the ships again 😅🥲, but at least there's a clear-cut guarantee that part 2 would dedicate a large portion of it fixing rin and haru's fight!!! Oohh how can i wait another 6 months now!!😭😭 (sorry for the long ask btw!! 🙏🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️)

OMG thank you so so much!! For watching my vids too! ❤️❤️❤️ It really means a lot to me! Ahhhh wow, thats the longest ask I've ever recieved! 😍 I'm trying to explain myself so hard lol I'm glad its appreciated, bc sometimes I'm like "I don't fucking know how to say this" xD

Well, you know me, I only care for one ship, which is the only one with confirmed info that they're both actually gay and have mutual feelings for each other. There are some other ships in free! I'm fine with (those do not include Rin or Haru in them xD), but I just mostly don't care, bc after reading all the stuff, you can see that in some of those to one the other one is actually like his second option, which I just do not like. Others I just don't even see, bc again to me who witnessed great close male friendships and having two sisters who I'm very close to, I just do not see anything romantic in that.

It's not just Free! tbh, it's like any sports anime these days. They see two guys walking together, it's a ship. And like no one cares if they're just bros. Like I'd get i they did some fanservice fanservice, but like I never saw anyone in Free! crossing the line the way rinharu do. I can without thinking much name you 10 rh moments that no matter how hard you think can't be explain as being bros, but can't name one when it comes to others. I just find some ppl shipping everyone with everyone weird sometimes. It's like western fans see like some eastern actors or singers slap each other ass lovingly and they're like "oh they're fucking" I'm like "yeah, ofc all 500 of them, you're absolutely right". And Free! doesn't do anything even like that, I just do not get sometimes like what moment even brought on some ships. I'm genuinely confused. Albert and Haru? You fucking fell from a sakura tree or smth? I'm...

I'm especially confused when it comes to guys, whose character type is who I call "I only want this one and if I can't have it, then I'm ok" xD. It just always surprised me, when they try to pair up them with someone else, it's like a complete ooc.

I'm also not into this whole "well, if there are gays in this anime, than everyone there is gay". I'm like... huh. It's like with KNB and MDZS I had same feeling. It's like you have already couples there who are canon/borderline canon, why do you need another 10 who don't even interact or just don't even go there? I'm always so confused in those situations. Or like wangxian is married and some are like "no, I actually don't like it, let me write a fic when they're with other ppl". Lan Zhan... being in love or having sex with someone else? Yeah, that's not Lan Zhan, dude, you're writing about someone else. Might as well change the name at this point.

But last time I went to twitter someone had a thread about how if they make s4 of Free! they should mainly explore there Momo's angst (and no, it wasn't a joke), so I'm already like, I'm just.. nothing will surprise me no more. But I'm forever gonna be confused.

Yeah, I eel you about "going there". I mean seeing part of it, it just kinda cemented my confusion, bc I do not get how it can be considered platonic. We were just discussing since yesterday with @freeseafirefly how I now even more perplexed and do not understand how they will resolve it without going into relationship territory. It's just our point here is that like... no one forced them to go there (I mean its not like this whole fandom has some wild expectations or anything already), we were waiting or our usual friendship and swimming and maybe tiny conflict about struggles of pro-careers and some usual rh implications (maybe all the rh gay in dramas as always). Not some pure fanfiction coming to life here haha.

Like why I'm laughing is bc I twice used in my "fics" bringing up him leaving Haru as a force to push the confession, bc there's no way if he adresses this it won't lead to this. And now we not only have this (bc Haru just basically layed it out there), but an actual scene of him playing on their feelings for each other and a literal image of Rin leaving and "taking Haru's heart with him" to the point when he's for the first time in his life openly crying on the ground. And it's not like this scene can be interpreted as anything else, the whole fandom talks same, bc the whole fight was just about them, what Haru said was just about them, there's a literal boom of his heart getting out of his chest, before he falls and now he's heartless.

So our question is like... why go there?

It's like some say that they might still resolve it with "they're special to each other" and swimming, but still like we already knew that, there was no reason to go that far is what I'm saying. And to think that it was planned since forever giving the clues is like... ???

The whole spoon theme also throw me on the loop because like, lets be honest, it's wedding themed. And that part of the interview about part 2 there also made me go...?????? Because I mean, huh?

This is just all in all very interesting turn of events to say the least. I do not see the point of all of this if its not what I think it is, esp after seeing tweets like "even I see a rh wedding and I'm mh T_T". It's just all very unsubtle, that's why we're confused.

Like who knows, maybe we'll really by some magic turn of events get lucky and they really decided that since its the ending, it's okay to go for it. But I also don't wanna to hype myself much, I'm already really happy with it, just bc again, this scene already proves all of my points.

And yeah, I'm sure they'll pander to everyone, bc it's the end and etc and we have to handle everything on the good note and there's a whole line of ppl who's obsessed with us, esp with Haru xD, but like bromance pandering and romance pandering are different things, you know *wiggles eyebrows* and u know who always gets the second one.

[tteokggukk]

welcome to my youtube channel → kth

✳ pairing: idol!taehyung x youtuber!reader

✳ genre: fluff, taehyung scenario, stranger to lovers, reader is an artist who posts art videos on youtube

✳ warnings: none!

✳ words: 2.9k

✳ a/n: hello, this is my second bts oneshot/scenario. i just like to write for fun but if you’d like to let me know if there’s anything i can improve on please do so! i’d love to know how to improve. anyways, i hope you enjoy!

"Hey guys, welcome to my YouTube Channel."

You spoke in front of the camera. Sets of acrylic paint were spread out across the table next to a stand that held an 18x24 inch canvas. You were in the middle of making your seventeenth video, a highly requested one at that, and deep down you were ecstatic to start working on the painting.

Never in your life did you think you would ever start a YouTube account. You always considered yourself a very shy and private person, not one to go out of their way and broadcast themselves all over the internet. Your best friends, however, were two very well-known YouTubers and always found a way to include you in their videos and live streams. Somehow people liked seeing more of you, and so you were convinced by your best friends and the audience to start your own YouTube channel.

But you weren't very accustomed to bringing a camera everywhere with you to document and share whatever was happening in your daily life, you found it too awkward and you were still camera-shy, so you decided to create content in a way that would still keep you comfortable while doing something you loved.

An art channel.

Your channel blew up pretty fast. Requests started pouring in here and there. You became known for your very calm demeanor and artistic skills, so you took this as an opportunity to sell your works online as a way to earn some extra money for your future. Occasionally, you'd do lives to talk to your fans and you were happy at the support they showed you, which only encouraged you to keep making videos.

"This was a highly requested video, and I honestly can't wait to get started," you told the camera, mentally telling yourself to insert the comments and messages you got in your DMs to paint this Adonis-like human being. The requests started coming in after you had an Instagram live where you did some quick sketches while playing some of your favorite songs in the back, and people noticed one of the songs you played was by him.

"You guys also asked if I could sell this painting, but because of the "high demand"," you spoke, adding air quotes, "I'd like to keep it up for auction so the proceeds could go to different fundraisers."

You started mixing different colors in your palette and showed everyone the picture for your reference.

"So, without further ado, today I will be painting Kim Taehyung."

"Hey guys, welcome to my YouTube Channel."

Taehyung watched as you spoke in the video, looking behind you to see a bunch of art materials. The title of the video was left ambiguously, only being named most requested video, leaving him no clue on what it was you were going to create this time.

He's been watching your videos for quite some time now, ever since your channel started rising. Art was one of his major interests and he absolutely adored the way you made your videos with the calming, ASMR-like sound of mixing paint and how you skillfully glided the brush across the canvas. On days when he found himself tired and in need of a quick way to relax, he'd subconsciously find himself binge watching videos on your channel— even repeating several videos since you were only starting. He found it fascinating, but also because he found you interesting.

Because of your channel, he even created an anonymous YouTube account just to leave nice comments on your videos along with a private Instagram account to be able to watch your lives.

Needless to say, he didn't miss that one live where you played the song Winter Bear. It made his whole night, making him sleep with a smile on his face.

"This was a highly requested video, and I honestly can't wait to get started." 

He watched as a bunch of comments started appearing onscreen popping up one by one as they gradually got faster, eventually covering you. It took a moment before it sunk in that he was the highly requested person they wanted you to paint. He paused the video, wide-eyed, before shouting in excitement. Jimin had to come in and check what the whole commotion was about.

"Y/n's going to paint me!" Taehyung exclaimed, his mouth turning into his famous boxy smile. 

"Ah, the YouTuber you really like?" Jimin smiles before sitting down next to Taehyung who continued playing the video, "I wanna see."

"You guys also asked if I could sell this painting, but because of the "high demand", I'd like to keep it up for auction so the proceeds could go to different fundraisers."

"Wow, she seems really kind," Jimin says, while Taehyung only nods, his eyes glued to the screen.

"So, without further ado, today I will be painting Kim Taehyung."

He felt his heart beat fast when you mentioned his name, and without realizing it his ears have gone all red. 

On screen, you began sketching, "You guys have also been sending me a lot of questions lately, which is why I decided to tweet about doing a q&a."

"What questions did you ask?" Jimin asked Taehyung.

"I asked her if being an artist is something she'd like to pursue," Taehyung told him.

"Ooooh, trying to get to know her," Jimin teases, "Our little Taehyungie has a celebrity crush."

Taehyung rolls his eyes but breaks out into a grin anyway, "I just respect her artistry."

"Right, okay," Jimin snickers, obviously not buying it.

Taehyung knew he was telling the truth, though. It was impossible to have feelings for someone who you only knew through a screen. He found you attractive for sure, but he of all people would know that almost no one is completely one-hundred percent themselves on screen. Genuine as you may be, there are still things that are best kept to yourself. He couldn’t lie though, if given the chance to get to know you, he’d never pass up on that offer.

"Someone asked why I don't use that much ready-made paint," You spoke on screen, "It's ‘cause I learn a lot from mixing my own colors, and also I just really enjoy it."

The painting was beginning to come together halfway through the video and Taehyung's question finally made its way to you. "Kimyeontan95 asks, ‘is painting a career you want to pursue? I love your work, by the way’."

"That was basically I love you," Jimin holds back a laugh, earning him a light punch in the arm from Taehyung.

"Thank you so much, kimyeontan95, and no, painting is just a hobby of mine and a way to earn some future savings. I actually really want to be a novelist."

Taehyung smiled after hearing you answer his question. Later on, the video was over and his portrait was complete. He hurriedly redirected himself to the link that was provided for the auction.

Something in him wanted to have that painting no matter what, so he set himself as the highest bidder and eventually had it mailed to his home where he put your work up in his room to cherish.

A day after your video was posted, you woke up to a thousand notifications from your phone. Hundreds of people were mentioning you in tweets and you had numerous missed calls from your best friends and some texts telling you to check your online art shop. You groggily scroll through your feed, a bit confused as to what was happening.

I wanted to buy this painting and I had it in my list, but now it's unavailable!

Y'ALL WHAT RICH KID SET THE HIGHEST BID TO A MILLION DOLLARS IM CRYING

@yourtwittername are you planning to sell a new collection?

a million dollar bid wtf swownwowksodiowl

Someone just bought all of @yourtwitterusername's paintings. I'm crying in broke eye—

but like what if taehyung set that bid? @yourtwitterusername

What?

I just woke up and my mentions are pouring. What is going on? You tweeted.

Thousands of replies began coming in leaving you feeling overwhelmed and confused on where to start. Everyone was telling you to check your site, and so you did. You felt your heart almost stop beating when you saw that every single artwork you had up for sale were sold out. Nothing was left behind. You checked your emails, and the confirmations were there.

How could this have happened overnight?

ALL MY WORKS ARE SOLD OUT?!?!?!?? WHO COULDVE DONET THIS??? You tweeted, hands shaking.

You felt your heart race, a wide grin that could go even wider if possible was plastered on your face. You tried to stop yourself from screaming in excitement but couldn't so you ended up jumping up and down and doing happy dances before calming down to assess the situation. Finally, you sat down in front of your laptop to see where all your works were being shipped to.

Replies started coming in.

CONGRATS YOU FIGURED IT OUT

WILL U RESTOCK

AHSKWJOA CONGRATS BB

I'M SO HAPPY FOR U

BUT Y/N WHO BOUGHT THEM ALL

Checking your emails, you discover that your art works were all bought by one person. Anonymous. There was no name and someone requested to have their personal information redacted. 

Anonymous? Surely this wasn't a joke?

The person kept their name anonymous. You tweeted and muted the notifications just to allow yourself to focus on finding out who it was that bought everything.

At the bottom of all the removed personal information, there was one username that you were sure you've heard or seen somewhere.

@ Kimyeontan95. 

Underneath the username was a short but sincere message.

"Your videos have always helped me wind down after a long, busy day. I can't express how much you inspire me with your talent and how I wish someday you'd teach me to be half as good as you, as I'm not very gifted in the painting department. I admire how you put your gifts into good things, and I very much idolize you in one way or another. This is just a small way of showing my support for you, but also because all your works are amazing and I'd love to have a small room filled with my favorite art works. I look forward to reading works of yours soon, future novelist.”

Feeling the heat creeping up on your cheeks, you smiled to yourself. The letter was definitely heartfelt and you wanted so badly to thank the person who sent it.

Later that afternoon, you decided to go on live to personally thank the anonymous buyer for buying your works and for sending that wonderful note. You fixed yourself up a little bit and pressed live as thousands of your followers began to tune in.

"Hello, everyone," you greeted, smiling. Replies with greetings started coming in and you couldn't help but chuckle at the eager messages your followers were sending. They truly made you happy.

As expected, several questions began pouring in.

"Right, so, I wanted to do this live because of what happened. As you may have noticed, all my works were suddenly sold out which definitely took me by surprise," you started, "Unfortunately the buyer left everything anonymous. They only left what I assume is a username and a short letter, which I will keep to myself for personal reasons."

@follower1WHAT

@follower2 will you keep selling your works?

@follower3 THATS SUCH A SWEET GESTURE THO OMG/

@follower4 am I the only one who thinks a secret admirer bought it

@follower5 check my YouTube channel I made a theory on who bought her works

@follower6 i rlly think it's taehyung

@follower7 I’'m so proud of you :(((

"If the person who bought all of my paintings is watching this, I really want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate the letter as well, you've honestly made me the happiest person on Earth," you smiled.

@follower8 AWWWWW

@follower9 ANON COME OUT

@follower10 i really wanna know what the letter says

@ Kimyeontan95 I'm glad :)

Your heart stopped at one of the replies. You took your phone immediately from its fixed position with wide eyes and began scrolling up fast because of the immediate replies coming in. Wasn't that the username?

@follower11 what's going on?

@follower12 y/n are you okay?

You could no longer find the reply so you set your phone down, fixing it back in place.

"For a second I thought the person who bought it was watching my live," you sighed and smiled nervously, "So anyways— I'd really love to express my gratitude so if they're watching, please contact me. I can't say thank you en—"

Suddenly the replies were frantic. People were sending keyboard smashes here and there. Only a few of them were actual coherent comments. "What is going on?" You asked as you began scrolling through.

@follower13 Y/N CHECK VLIVE

@follower14 TaEHYUNF IS ON LIVE

@follower15 I kNEW IT THOUGH???

@follower16 Y/N CHECK TAEHYUNGS LIVE

@follower5 Y'ALL I WAS RIGHT I SAID CHECK MY YT

Keeping your live on, you grabbed your laptop as fast as you could to check out the links being sent to your live. When it finally loaded, you could've sworn you'd have a heart attack. 

"Oh, I think she's watching me," Taehyung grinned through his live, holding his phone in front of the camera. He quickly shows the viewers his phone screen, which showed your live of you watching him through your laptop. Your eyes widened and you looked back at your phone camera that was broadcasting your live, then back at his live.

Taehyung started giggling, "I guess we're just watching each other, huh?" He smiled. Behind him were packed and unpacked parcels of paintings you recognized were yours. If it was even possible, your eyes grew even wider at this, "Oh my god," you breathed out.

"I should probably introduce myself," Taehyung spoke, "Hello everyone, I'm Kim Taehyung. How are you all doing? Today I’m planning on redecorating my room after our practice. What are the packages behind me? Oh, these are paintings I recently bought."

"Are those my paintings?" You asked out loud, though you knew the answer. 

"Are those my paintings?" Your voice echoed from Taehyung's broadcast as your live was streaming from his phone. He grinned sheepishly, "Yes, these are your works, I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all," You smiled, "You were the buyer?" 

You mentally slapped yourself for asking such obvious questions, but you just couldn't believe everything that was happening now.

"Yes," he chuckles, "I really love your paintings." Suddenly the sound of Jimin’s voice echoed from behind and Taehyung quickly stood up to lock the door, knowing he’d get the teasing of a lifetime if Jimin came and saw him talking to you.

"Thank you so much, I—" Your voice began to crack and your eyes welled with tears that you tried to fight back, "I really appreciate it. And the letter, that was really sweet."

"No, thank you. Wait, don't cry—" Taehyung spoke nervously.

"I'm just so happy," You laughed while wiping the tears off.

The replies from both ends were coming in like crazy. On one hand, majority of everyone watching found the whole scenario cute and started pairing you two out of nowhere, though there were a few haters on the other. It didn't really bother you, you were just so happy someone you idolized noticed your work.

"I'm glad," he was watching you with a fond smile through his phone, then the sound of the Jin’s voice began coming from outside Taehyung’s room, "Sorry for this sudden grand reveal. I really can't stay on live for too long but I'd love to keep talking to you." He spoke.

"Oh no, that's okay," You spoke fast.

"Do you mind if I send you a message? Assuming you already know the username," he asks.

"No not at all, I'd love to keep talking as well," your heart was beating erratically now. You didn't have to see your face to know how red it was becoming.

"Alright, great. Um, before I end this vlive I just wanna say you're a great artist and to all my viewers watching this, please support y/n's artworks and her channel! If I see any negative comments, I'll be taking responsibility and I'll unfortunately have my agency involved in taking those out," he spoke in a commercial tone kind of voice, "And to y/n, I'll be keeping in touch.” The door from behind him suddenly bursts open and Jin, Jimin, and Jungkook rush inside.

“You were talking to her!” Jimin shouts excitedly.

“Finally!” Jungkook claps.

“Is that why you kept the door locked?” Jin teases.

“Bye, everyone!" Taehyung quickly waves goodbye to the camera and smiles before turning the broadcast off. 

You sat there stunned, almost forgetting you were also on live. You turned to your phone which was still recording you, "That was unexpected."

Suddenly, a notification in your DMs popped up. "I'll go ahead and process everything that just happened now, bye guys! See you in my next video." You ended the live with a wave and smile.

You quickly went into your direct messages and found the same username, Kimyeontan95. You opened it and found a picture of Taehyung holding one of your paintings with a peace sign on his other hand, the other members behind him posing with your other works, making you laugh.

Your heart fluttered at the message below the picture.

I hope this isn't too sudden, but would you like to go out with me sometime?

a/n: hello! if you finished it, thank you so much for reading! i hope you liked it hehe. i think i’m gonna keep posting the stuff i write bc i have so many ideas for the other members as well. also this is fun hehe. if you wanna read my other work, let’s fall in love for the night, ← here’s a link! thanks again for reading and please look forward to my future writing/edits.

[radicalposture]

Hi! That post u reblogged about writers having a tiny dissociated piece of themself analyzing their emotions and the things they're feeling you tagged as also a symptom of autism, can you elaborate a little? It's very interesting to me

yeah no problem! (twas this post, for reference)

so in my experience and from what i see of others experiences when you're ND and especially if you're late diagnosed there can be this phenomenon where you overcompensate for your 'natural deficiencies', as it were, by developing an extreme competence in a skill that's not exactly the same but runs kind of parallel and does the same job, if that makes sense?

for example, my adhd makes me extremely forgetful, so to counteract i've become an incredibly organised person (colour coded schedule, reminder apps, to do lists, etc.) and people say wow you're always on top of things! but its an 'artificial' skill. its something i learned and not something i naturally am. being a good organiser and having a good memory are not the same thing. i have a terrible memory, but the learned skill of being a good organiser does the same job and achieves the same result. similarly, because i'm autistic i am terrible at reading people and all that general social interaction stuff. but to compensate for that i've become very good at understanding psychology. so while i literally cannot tell when my boss is joking with me or how to respond to a normal question from her, i could tell you exactly how her brain works, why she acts the way she does on certain days, what went wrong in her marriage, how to word a request so i always get her to agree with me... its not the same skill, but it does a similar job and most of the time covers up the fact that i have this glaring hole where my social skills are supposed to be.

so to get back to the writer question. some autistic people really struggle to name and describe their own feelings (sometimes called alexithymia). i especially struggle with this. the best i can describe it is i feel like theres a missing link somewhere? like for normal people i guess it goes like

an event happens to them > it creates a feeling > the feeling has effects

so like idk. they have a fight with their friend (event). they feel sad/frustrated/embarassed (feeling). there are side effects, like maybe theyre irritable or they cant sleep or lose their appetite (effects).

but for me its more like

an event happens > ????????? > ahhh i can feel the effects.....

so because theres this void where the 'appropriate' feeling should be im missing the vital signpost thats supposed to indicate to me how good or bad the event was, or the sequence of events that led to a behaviour, or how im supposed to respond or whatever. for example last week i was in dublin and i was really excited to go to the gallery but after lunch i'd suddenly lost all interest in going and i was like huh? what happened there? so after talking it out with my sister i figured out like ohhhh it was really crowded when we got lunch and i got really overwhelmed because we looked up the menu in advance and decided what we'd get but THEN when we went in they had a COMPLETLEY DIFFERENT menu and i was too shy to ask what was up with that so i didnt really enjoy the food we got and they had a weird self serve system and i got really self conscious and and and. and now im exhausted and thats why im suddenly not interested in going to the gallery anymore. BUT. and heres the crucial thing. at no point did i FEEL exhausted or overwhelmed or sensory overloaded. i had to INFER how i was feeling from context clues without ever actually feeling the actual feelings myself. what makes it doubly annoying is that i do know what feelings are 'supposed' to feel like because sometimes it'll be like oh no! a sad thing happened! i feel sad! and then i cry. but thats only like 5% of the time and the other 95% im like crying and i have no idea why, time to go on a detective quest to understand what the hell it is this time. which is exhausting.

so to get back to the topic at hand!!! sorry for the long and maybe irrelevant sidebar!!! but here's why i think the post is relevant to autism (broken down into points bc i think theres a few reasons and they maybe overlap)

because we often struggle so much with understanding and identifying our own emotions we often develop a hypervigilance around them. we end up with this constant monitoring and checking and analysing to see if we're doing it 'right'. NTs (apparently) just feel their feelings. they feel happy. they feel sad. they feel angry. and they just feel them and act on them and don't think that much about it. but because i so often feel the 'wrong' thing or more likely nothing at all it becomes this constant stream of 'ok I'm feeling kind of angry but like. is that appropriate in this situation? am i too angry? am i not angry enough? am i expressing it right? do other people understand what i mean?'

the performance aspect is so interesting to me bc literally everything feels like a performance to me... when i was getting diagnosed i said to my psychologist 'when im around other people i always feel like ive suddenly been pulled up on stage and told the plays about to start and im like WHAT PLAY and the curtains suddenly gone up and everyone's looking at me but i didn't get a script and they all know their lines but i didn't even know there WAS a play much less that i was supposed to act in it and also I'm really bad at ad libbing so i cant even fake it i just stand there getting more and more panicked' and she was like 'that's autism babe <3'

in addition i often feel like i HAVE to act or exaggeratedly perform to get my point across. especially when i was younger but even now, like for example when im sick ill be 'ok family today i feel really sick im going to call in sick to work and stay in bed. goodbye.' and then i get the hmm you dont LOOK sick and its like? i told you i was sick what more do you want. so sometimes i feel this pressure to like put on an act like i have to do all the croaky voice COUGH COUGH ooogh im sick bleggh etc etc and then people go wow you look sick! you should stay in bed! like i TOLD you that was that not enough. and the line then becomes really blurred like am i performing these actions because that's what's natural in this situation or am i pretending to go through the motions in order to perform the socially acceptable signals to communicate my intentions because that's what people expect but left to myself i never would... you have to not only deal with your own feelings but also read your audiences mind to figure out how they would best receive your message and then translate from your native tongue to theirs because you know they can't speak your language and won't even try so you have to be fluent in their language or you get ignored..... exhausting!

tangential but this post on r/aspergirls yesterday struck a chord: "I’m tired of having to be sugary sweet, bubbly, and happy in order for people to not feel threatened by me. I feel like because I present feminine as well, people need me to coddle them like little babies in order for their egos not to be bruised."

on the other hand because i am so divorced from my emotions its so much easier to be a kind of objective outside observer exactly as the post described. because my actions so often feel/are fake or performed i can consciously analyse them BECAUSE theyre conscious choices im making and not spontaneous unconscious actions. and even when they're real i can also be very detached from them. past experiences in particular i can analyse them very objectively and not feel the feeling over again. i feel like my past emotions are in little glass cases and i take them down and examine them and then put them back.

but going back to the original post, people might say 'but thats just a writer/artist/actor thing' ya and why do you think people are drawn to those careers... people are drawn to career paths or interests because of the kind of people they are, they are usually not made into a certain kind of person by a career or interest. once i said something like 'ha ha sorry im being really detailed about this i guess my classics degree turned me into a bit of a pedant ha ha', to which my sister responded 'has it never occurred to you that you did a classics degree because you were already an insufferable pedant' which shut me up pretty fast lol. what i mean is people are drawn to these things because of the kind of brain they have and the particular bent their minds take. im not saying all autistic people are like this or that or that NTs cant be writers or actors or whatever. but so many ND people are drawn to these kinds of things and we're often so so good at it too.

ND people are often drawn to fiction because it just makes our brains tick a certain way. my brain in particular loves sequences and putting things in order and im also really good at taking huge amounts of seemingly disparate information and compiling it into a coherent whole. we can also be amazing at finding or making connections between things that seem to have no connection at all. and aren't these things the very basis of all fiction? isn't that what a story is? one event and then another one after it, and seeing things that are different but that can be grouped together to be put in the same narrative? isn't that what a metaphor is? you take two things that are not the same but you find out how they could be the same and you hold these two entirely different things next to each other and say see? here's the ways they're similar. here's how you can sort them into the same category. here's the lines you can draw between them. and as ursula k leguin said a story is just one big metaphor. the novelist must express in words what cannot be expressed in words.

ND people are also often drawn to fiction because its a condensed or simplified or hyperreal version of real life. you can read a novel or watch a film or tv show and watch how the characters behave and talk. they describe how they're feeling inside. you can see how one event or action leads to another. its a way to learn how the world works so you can copy it. it teaches you how other people think and it teaches you how they feel and how to feel yourself as well. which is kind of the entire point of fiction anyway but autistic people seem to have a special affinity for it. also we are always right.

EDIT: autistic people especially learn by copying or mirroring. often we learn a skill especially a social skill by copying someone else. when i go into an unfamiliar shop or social event i take time to watch what everyone else is doing first so i can copy how you’re ‘supposed’ to behave. fiction is so useful for this because you can do it in the comfort of your own home and you can pause or rewind or repeat as many times as you need. and so often it’s unconscious as well! it’s not like i said to myself ‘i have no idea how relationships work so i’m going to read pride and prejudice to find out’ but i did learn from these books first and not like. my ‘intuition’ from the world around me. we naturally seek to learn what we don’t know even unconsciously

‘classic’ literature (which most people use to mean victorian novels) seems to have a particular draw for some autistic people as well and it definitely did for me. i think it’s because the preoccupation of the novel in the nineteenth century was with human behaviour, relationships, psychology, social questions etc. especially the ‘novel of manners’ or the ‘social problem novel’ types, austen and dickens etc. there’s less focus on melodrama, unreality, it’s very much a genre that deals with real people in real situations. i soaked it up like a sponge lol. i think this is where the weirdo austen obsession comes from also. you know the kind of people who r like ‘ooh i love jane austen everyone had such good manners in ye old days’ girl you are just searching for a world with discrete social rules that make sense. ALSO i’m convinced this is where weeb/koreaboo/anglophile/any other fetishisation of another culture comes from. obviously an interest in another culture is nothing bad in itself but can so easily tip into creepy fetishisation. if you take japanese culture for example there’s very strict ‘rules’ that seem to apply to that culture that an autistic person might latch onto as easy to follow eg. honorifics & associated dynamics, bowing, etc etc. obviously japanese culture is just as varied and complex as our own but from the limited/xenophobic perspective of the western weeb it becomes kind of like a game. there’s such a temptation with autistic people where you kind of go ‘well i don’t fit into my culture but if i went to this other culture which has very clear rules that i could follow i would be happy’. which is obviously a temptation which must be resisted because it’s a) untrue and b) usually racist

also why autistic people are especially drawn to fandoms! every fandom has its own rules and lingo and once you learn them you’re good to go! and because a fandom is a very small and closed system focused on one thing it’s like a little mini world with very few rules that is easy to navigate. and the people in the fandom have the same interest as you so they’re not going to reject you and you always have talking points

CONVINCED this is why kpop has such a grip on people here lol. compared to western artists the kpop system is so structured like there’s a limited number of companies, there’s a very specific pipeline the band goes through, there’s very specific roles within the band they’re supposed to adhere to, success is measured by specific awards or streaming goals. it’s kind of gamified and you KNOW how gamification is euphoric to the ND brain. also autistic people love numbers and stats so i can see why some people on twitter are obsessed with that kind of thing. have more to say on this subject but that would expose me as Knowing Things About Kpop 💀

wow that was long and a lot of its not really relevant but ig these are just some thoughts it inspired. again not all of it applies to all ND people and it might apply to some NT people, but this is how my brain in particular works and i've seen enough that it seems to be the case for a fairly big proportion of other ND people too. thanks!

[saltynsassy31]

I get your feeling, gurl. I had it on thursday as well. Sleep and tea usually works for me. Plus a show that can give you a variety of emotions (except stress ofc)

(Assassin AU or Canon, prompt idea)

Maybe try writing Spamton with this feeling? And he could be comforted, like u want to be comforted? I heard somewhere that this can help? Try it, but don't feel pressured to post it. It can also be something private

Aw thank you for the suggestions ^^ things have been a bit hectic with my dad moving away again because of work and school (like seriously, they don't give alot of work but this one teacher scares the shit outta me)

I like that idea, it might help me actually, I usually just write it with my self insert but I'm already doing the privately but I still want to write Spamton being comforted so here ya go!

(Assasin au)

Yellow - Sunny - he/him - 23

Orange - Mango - he/him - 22

Pink - Peach - he/she - 21

Blue - Plum - he/they 20

Spamton - ø - he/him - 15

Spamton came back from school, a dreaded feeling forming in the pit of his stomach, he wasn't sure why though he might have some clues as to why

But he didn't want to admit to it and instead opted for distraction, finals were coming and he didn't have time to stress over minor stuff like this. He'll deal with it when school is over for winter break

He tried to just quickly go to his room but Plum saw and noticed his moody state

"Spammy? Is everything ok, you seem upset"

Spamton groaned, he knew how he could make him talk and actually fix the problem and he was to tired to do that

But he reluctantly turned around to face them "do i look [[A OK]] to you?"

"No, do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really...kinda, maybe"

Plum smiles "Ok, go take a shower and change so we can talk more comfortably if you'd still like to talk"

Spamton nodded and went up to his room to get ready

Once he got change into some sweatpants and a hoodie and head down where Plum was sitting in the sofa drinking hot chocolate

There was another mug in the coffee table presumably for him, they always made hot chocolate on cold days or when he was upset

He sat down next to his brother and grabbed his mug, it wasn't hot but it wasn't cold either, it was just right

He took a sip before turning to Plum "where are the others?"

"Uh- still at work unfortunately but they will be back soon" he said with a reassuring smile, they have been going out into late nights shifts more often "so, do you want to still talk about it?"

Spamton nodded, taking a deep breath before speaking "I keep thinking about [[making it big]] one day alot, right?" Plum nodded "and I want to be a [[BIG SHOT]] one day, I really do! But...."

He hesitated a bit "I've been posting some of my work [[online]] and people have been liking it! Alot, not as [[big as others]] but it's something"

"What if I [[change my mind]] and do something else? What if they [[leave me behind]] and I'm not [[good enough]] anymore, when I get big ill receive so much attention and negative as well I'm not sure I'm ready- a-and what if I do something wrong and they don't like my work?!"

Plum sighed and put a hand over his shoulder and have it a little squeeze "oh spammy, you're thinking to much ahead of you. Becoming a big shot isn't easy but you aren't alone"

"Sometimes it feels like I'd be easier to just hide, but then I wpuld be a coward and weak"

"Spamton, you are not weak, it's normal to feel like that sometimes" Plum said sternly but softly as possible

"But you and the rest are always so [[strong and healthy]] and do so many things! I can bearly impress the kids at school, I'm just the [[odd one out]] with a weird tic"

Plum's face soften "Oh dear" they thought for a moments before leaning closer to him "do you want to know something?"

"Mmm?"

"We aren't always as strong as you think"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that there are also times we want to hide away from the world, disappear from reality. But we can't because the world demands of us everyday, every hour. Fear of mistake and disapproval, we all want to be validated, it's the human part of us"

Spamton leaned on his brother's should letting out a huge sigh as he put the empty mug away

"But the different thing from you and me is that you can hide from the world, even for just a moment. I'll be there to protect you until you feel better"

Spamton smiled and curled up in a ball next to them, they smiled and put a cover over them, the pitter patter of the rain against the window comforting

Once the rain stopped Spamton looked up at Plum "Can we go on a walk?"

"Sure thing buddy"

They put on their jackets and walked outside, it was very cloudy and the air was chili, the smell of wet grass filling their nose

It was calming, Spamton loved it when it rained

They walked on the forest behind their house, skilling rocks and smelling flowers

He felt safe here, his brother right behind him ready to catch him if he falls

Sometimes he was going to feel like shit for no reason, the brain was just like that

But if he needed to cry or simply hide from the world, he knew his brothers would be there to keep him safe