#had to post again because it took so long to capture edit and arrange these caps

[teruel-a-witch]

~sneaking out of a party for a quickie energy~

~don't be suspicious, don't be suspicious~

~returning like nothing happened, even tho steve can't hide his 'cat that got the canary' smug energy~

'oh, right, we also have to catch criminals or whatever'

[glossysoap]

price recs / poly 141 recs

requested by the one and only @vgilantee! i’m so sorry this took so long 😭

mind the warnings/tags when clicking on each link.

like i said with my last rec list, if i think of any others i’ll edit this post to add them, then i’ll reblog this post with a note saying it’s been added to.

in addition, as i was putting this post together, i read all of these recs again. i have reblogs of them all drafted up, even if i’ve already reblogged them before. after i post this, i’ll start posting those reblogs so i’m sorry if it clogs your dash 😅

price:

- the space in between by @391780 (i mean come ON. you know i had to. that series, and early, has me by the neck. i rec anything from early, duhhh)

- the arrangement by @/391780 (as i’m typing this i’ve only read the first chapter and i already KNOW i’m obsessed with it)

- mafia price au by @cordeliawhohung (there’s also pieces for ghost, gaz and soap in the same universe that i recommend as well! it’s all linked in the same masterlist)

- oral fixation by @/cordeliawhohung (foaming at the mouth for this oh my god 😵‍💫 and literally anything by core obviously)

- mask on by @/391780

- the captain’s wife by @/391780

- first time by @/391780

- sick day by @/391780 (so so sweet and what a cute read 🥹 tossing this at char while they’re sick because it’s absolutely perfect.)

- captain’s on the way by @/391780 (once i get that text, oh you can bet your ass i’ll be ready 🥰)

- price returning from deployment by @vgilantee (i recommend anything from char duhhh. if you check in the reblogs you’ll see any additions char has added to this post.)

- kissing price by @/vgilantee (literally the dream)

- subspace + oral fixation by @/vgilantee (oh jeez 😵‍💫 this is still just as hot as when we talked abt it in dms)

- cumming in his pants by @/vgilantee (if you check in the reblogs you’ll see any additions that char has made to this post)

- heavy by @/vgilantee (i know it’s heavy, i just know it. i can hold it—)

- were - price’s cock by @/vgilantee (if you check in the reblogs you’ll see any additions that char has made to this post)

- cockwarming him while sick by @/vgilantee (check the reblogs and you’ll see any addition that char has made to this post)

- devoured by @xxshadowbabexx (woof woof woof oh my god. still barking at this request you filled for me 🤭)

- rules are made to be broken by @/xxshadowbabexx (oh lord oh lord oh lord. foaming at the mouth for this request you filled for me 😵‍💫)

- you stopped sharing your location with price by @syoddeye (one of my first reads that yanked my ass into dark fic 😵‍💫 i need that man)

- barista sized hole by @/syoddeye (god this changed me 😵‍💫 bark bark bark. literally anything from sy!! duh)

- flashing by @/syoddeye (oh i’m gonna need him to chase me thru the house just like that)

- thighs + choking kink by @pfhwrittes (anything from p really. oh this made my fat little heart sing!!!)

- male submission by @/pfhwrittes (i need him i need him.)

- older by @femalefemur (oh lord this spoke to me 😵‍💫)

- calling him captain by @/femalefemur (GOD the title kink/honorific kink was fed with this. i rec anything from cyn, obvi)

- peeping tom i / ii / iii by @secretsynthetic (i wanna say these were the first pieces i read from naomi and ugh, they warmed my heart. i rec everything from naomi, duh.)

- priceghost/puppygirl reader intro i intro ii / i / ii / iii by @/secretsynthetic

- tiger balm by @/secretsynthetic (so so precious. i love pricegaz as a ship and naomi captures it so so well and adding reader into the mix just makes it even better 😵‍💫)

- take me home, country road by @ceilidho (duh, of course. and i think we all know i rec everything from ceil)

- pretending to be husband/wife by @/ceilidho (woof woof woof)

- babysitter au by @/ceilidho

- captain price x reader x captain mactavish by @sprout-fics (this was such a NEED. also i rec anything from her, duh)

- (re)organized crime by @charliemwrites (oh this series is so fucking cute. i’m in love! i rec anything from charlie, let’s be real.)

- price’s thighs by @captainswhore (i love everything they post and i love when you tag me for my thoughts on things 🥺 i rec anything from them)

- hoarfrost i / ii by @eilidh-eternal (the way this feeds my predator/prey kink is absolutely outrageous. i love it so much never stop please 😭 rec everything from eilidh, duh)

- house hunting by @/eilidh-eternal

- nevermind i / ii by @captainfern (these were one of the first cod fics i ever read and whew buddy, it not only infected me with the price bug (that’s never leaving) but its also one of the fics that made me wanna start writing for cod. so i’m absolutely rec’ing everything from fernie 🥹)

- headlock by @/captainfern (rorororo oh my god. y’all know how i am about headlock sex.)

- you know you’re right by @/captainfern (jealous bodyguard price fucking you stupid? oh i need him)

- about a girl i / ii by @/captainfern (i’m always fucking weak for the trope ‘he makes you squirt for the first time and now he’s gonna make you do it like 5 more times if it’s the last thing he does’)

- bury your teeth in me by @yeyinde (jesus christ this was so hot, i’m stunned. i rec anything from lev, ofc.)

- spanked by price by @/yeyinde

- keep quiet by @kyletogaz (woof woof woof! that’s me barking! i rec anything from jess!)

- retirement party by @sentientcave (i need to catch up on this but i’m rec’ing regardless bc i know it’s gold. i rec anything from charlie)

- firewatch by @roosterr (oh this was amazing. i loved their banter!! so cute! i rec anything from rooster!)

- outside it starts to pour by @/roosterr

- john? by @ghastlybirdie (sunny this was so 😭😭 when i first read it (and any time after that) i just about cried bc it’s so!!! so so sad but also precious. it’s so immersive and amazingly done. i rec anything from sunny ily)

- my daddy didn’t love me by @makoodles (oh lorddddd this fed me so well. daddy issues gang rise up 😭 i rec everything from them)

- walkthrough by @mikichko (sosososo cute!! i rec everything from kiko)

- inspections by @moondirti (fuck fuck fuck 😵‍💫 i rec everything from them ofc)

- price + nik inspection by @ghouljams (literal legend, ofc i rec anything from them!)

- backshot hc by @/ghouljams

- landscape with honey by @/ceilidho

- neighbors by @eowynstwin (i rec literally anything from madi!!! send them love <3)

poly 141:

- origins of poly 141 x reader by @/vgilantee (keep an eye out for any additions to the post, as always. i rec anything and everything from that au)

- monster 141 au by @/vgilantee (i know it’s not all technically poly but in my head it is, so 😌 and i rec anything and everything from that au) click the tag under that post to find all posts in that au

- #141omegaverse~ by @/vgilantee (idk how to make links for tags unless it’s already made into a link, so go search that tag on char’s blog 😅 and i rec anything and everything from that au)

- price’s girl is the 141’s barracks bunny by @/vgilantee

- mafia au series by @groguspicklejar (y’all KNOW i had to include this. really anything from kelsi ofc)

- from specgru with love by @/charliemwrites (the angst in this is so fucking good. the 141 yearning for reader while readers moved on and leaving them in the dust? AND the jon bernthal face claim for the hot as fuck captain on readers new team? i’m fainting.)

- mister(s) steal your girl by @/charliemwrites (i need to catch up on this one but i’m rec’ing anyway bc i know it’s pure gold)

- tf141 kinks by @/pfhwrittes

- tf141 kinks pt2 by @/pfhwrittes

- tag, you’re it by @/sprout-fics (what a classic. i’m 99% sure i reblogged them a lot earlier in my fandom days but regardless, i’m going through and reblogging everything in this list anyways.)

- omegaverse au by @/sprout-fics (i need to catch up on this but i’m rec’ing regardless bc i know it’s so fucking good.)

- afterburn by @/sprout-fics (what a great aftercare fic, so soft and sweet and heated all at the same time.)

- poly 141 headcanons by @/sprout-fics

- netflix and chill by @luvit (this series was sooo 😵‍💫 the variation of kinks between each one was so hot. also it’s totally obvious that i rec everything from them)

- that man is a dog! by @/luvit (i need to catch up on this but i’m rec’ing this regardless bc i know it’s gold)

- contractor au by @/kyletogaz

- vampire 141 making you cum with a bite by @/kyletogaz

- you, gaz, and price by @kyletogaz

- squirting by @chamomiletealeaf (woof woof this is so fucking hot. i rec anything from them)

- 141 sharing you by @/captainfern

- backshots by @/captainfern

- free use by @ohbo-ohno (oh lord,, that is just the dream. where do i sign up? also i rec anything from bo)

- orgy by @/ohbo-ohno

- fucking machine by @/ohbo-ohno (i know this one isn’t including a reader but its sooo 😵‍💫 that i had to include it)

- body electric by @/yeyinde (THEE call of duty gangbang fic.)

- virgin reader x 141 i / ii / iii by @/yeyinde

- spoils by @/syoddeye

- pack cuddles by @mockerycrow (so so so cute. i’ve reread this countless times. i rec anything from crow)

- spread open by @iciclesses (oh lord!!!!! oh my god 😵‍💫😵‍💫 i rec anything from them ofc)

- they decide you’re theirs by @fulltacs (bowing down to you and your genius brain. thank you for feeding us and for doing the lords work ykwim 👀. i rec everything from them)

- poly 141 therapist sharing au by @kyletogaz (holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck)

- heavy hitters; a wrestling au by @dwarvenales (love love LOVE. i rec anything from kai ofc)

- scp au by @ghouljams (ok i know it’s not technically described as poly 141 per se but it’s a 141 au and i couldn’t resist adding it)

- binders and boyfriends by @pfhwrittes (again i know it’s not poly 141 per se but it includes the 141 as a whole and i couldn’t resist adding this to the rec list)

- tradie 141 au by @/pfhwrittes (again, couldn’t resist)

[daveinediting]

The year so far has been about up-scaling and posting YouTube videos with custom thumbnails. Hundreds of clips with a lot more to go plus managing a database of the work done so far including the data attached to each clip, resolution, captioning, playlists, series, show of origin, geographic location, and so on.

This year so far has also been about projects carrying a lot of question marks. A lot of elements we need... but the client isn't making those elements available yet for whatever reason. A lot of questions about intent... but those questions are going unanswered so far for whatever reason.

In both circumstances, wrangling YouTube videos and dealing in question marks, prioritizing thinking is key. It's giving myself time to think through both processes because they're tricky. Because they’re complicated.

In the case of the YouTube videos, there are adjustments and improvements I’m making along the way because I gave myself time. Because I allowed myself to occasionally come up for air instead of relentlessly cranking out videos.

Don't get me wrong, cranking out videos is the point. But feedback's built into my process. My own feedback. As in Am I doing something wrong here? Is there another way I to do this this? Is there a better to do this? What have I done so far? What's still in front of me? And so on.

Here's a little story that captures the reason for these questions:

A long time ago I was creating a stop motion video using my DSLR with a shutter cable. At the beginning, I framed up the scene and then started moving figures around, snapping a picture with the shutter cable each time I advanced the scene, working this way as fast as I could. It still took a lot of time... and I was totally jazzed to see the finished work. Which turned out exactly as planned....

...until about halfway through when all my figures move quite intentionally out of frame. Just BAM. Out of frame.

I wasn't double-checking my work, you see. So I wasted about half my effort by plowing relentlessly ahead.

Actually no. I had to start over. From scratch. However, in setting everything up again, I hit on a better idea of what to do this next time around. And that lesson was not lost on me. My process is one of iteration and course correction even when it's on the fly. 

Sure, if I have to do something in one go, I can do it. My work kicks ass, though, when I take the opportunity to put more thought into what I'm doing before I do it, while I'm doing it, and afterward.

So.

If there's the time, I take it.

If there isn't the time, I put as much thought as possible into what I'm going to do. The 48 Hour Horror Film Project was like that. I had from early afternoon Saturday 'til around three or four the next afternoon to do the edit, sound design, music integration, color correction, and coordinating with the composer and then the writer and director.

The amount of time I had was never gonna change. 

But.

I did spend the entire week before that edit getting ready for it. 

The Real Road Adventures series was a bit the same way. We were using all new production and post production tech for these shows and spent weeks figuring out the details and setting up a process so editing would just flow once we were into the schedule.

Even my composing efforts were front loaded. The time I had to actually composed, record, arrange, and mix all the music for the series was also never gonna change... so I spent weeks beforehand logging all the virtual instruments, sounds, and sound effects I had at my disposal. I marked which were my favorites. I tagged each one according to what I imagined its use to be in the kind of series I was cutting.

That effort paid off, by the way. Whenever my brain started reaching for a different idea, those ideas were easy to manifest with sounds I already identified (ish) for such purpose.

Anyway.

At this point, I’ve got the YouTube process pretty well in hand (but for the ever expanding database that requires constant tending to). As for the question mark projects, well, there are clients and there are clients. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, even if they haven’t sent you the elements you need, you can conjure them. In my case, the missing elements in the script are things I can make a pretty decent educated guess at. Which is what I did. Based on my own research, I created animations that illustrate the sections of script in question.

So...

Am I good to go?

Of course not. I’m fishing for feedback from the client. A bit of direction.

I’m also strategizing a little with other undefined parts of the script that I’ll have a go at for similar reasons. To give the client something to see. Because that’s how it is with some clients. They have to have something they can see before they can start guiding you in the right direction.

Yeah.

The year’s starting with brain-teaser projects.

Not impossible. Not chaos. Not frustrating.

I’ve just...

Gotta think my way through.

[royallyprincesslilly]

Title: Crown For Two {1}

Henry Cavill AU x OFC Xari Thornton AU

Warning: Plot, Mild Cursing, Cheesy Christmas Themes, 

Words: 6.1k

Summary: Xari Thornton is a travel photographer with a blog and social media that garners some heavy-duty traffic. People tune in to see where she is and what she’s doing there, all in hopes of either living vicariously through her or to plan their next vacation.  

Her slogan; “Traveling the path to the most off-beaten places, so you don’t have to.”  

Her next stop on her four destination travel itinerary of “Places You May Never Have Heard Of” is Sandvell, a small European country. When her plane makes an impromptu stop due to bad weather, she has no idea where she is. It feels like she’s stepped inside of a snow globe and back in time in a modern way. It leaves her fascinated. 

This bad weather forces her to stay at an Inn, The Beaux, for the night. Rather than letting the hours tick by in her room, she explores and meets the friendly locals. While taking photographs, one local in particular captures her lens with eyes as blue as the ocean and a jaw that was chiseled from stone. They strike up conversation during their time drinking at one of the local bars, Ickles. Once they separate, she gets herself into a harrowing situation.  

As soon as she awakens, she realizes she’s not in some fever dream, but a palace and the owner of the palace is none other than the local she met before with the piercing blue eyes, His Royal Highness Henry Wellington Leopold Danglishton, First of his name, Crown Prince of Brexendor.

Note: All right, all right people, the ride begins. I really, really hope you enjoy this. As a note, it’s going to be fast-paced a bit, and I am gonna overload you with pictures because why the hell not, it’s a Christmas Fic. 😁 Feel free to come by and tell me what you guys think.

As always, thank you all for reading, I appreciate each and every one of you.

If you enjoyed this, please, LIKE, COMMENT, REBLOG!!! ❤️❤️

***Loosely Edited/Proofread***

***Interactive***

***Picture Heavy***

Chapter One

“You were supposed to be on your way home.”

 You rolled your eyes as you scoffed. You’d mentioned nights ago that you thought you should just go home, but then you went to your next destination. It was a moment of weakness or it could have been loneliness. Your schedule took a lot out of you. No one saw it because it was all behind the scenes. All anyone ever saw were the incredible places you went to, the fun things you experienced, and the culture you soaked up. What they grasped was whatever you posted in your pictures.

 “You know I can’t. I started this series, and it’s gotten the eye of a lot of sponsors, and one of them is even talking about some really big ideas at the end of it if it goes really well. that could be incredible for my brand,” you explained.

 Anika sighed loudly. You knew she was annoyed with you right now, especially it being December.

 “I know you’re disappointed. I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you.”

 “Whatever.”

 “Attention, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. It looks like we’re headed right into a storm. We’ll be experiencing a little turbulence as we veer off course a little bit as we try to evade this thing. Please return to your seats and fasten your seatbelts.”

 You sighed while buckling your seatbelt, preparing for what was coming.

 “What’s happening?”

 “Going through some turbulence. It should be fine,” you assured your sister.

 “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to hang up.”

 You nodded to the flight attendant and promptly ended the call promising your sister that you’d call her back when you landed in Sandvell. As soon as you hung up, the turbulence began. It started out with slight bumps, that you could sip your drink through. Then graduated to bigger bumps that had you gripping the elbow rests. When the entire plane started to shake, your heart leaped into your throat. One minute passed, then two, and after five minutes or so, the speaker came back on.

 “Ladies and gentleman, your captain again. We’re going to be landing shortly. This storm is not one to be messed with. I apologize for the inconvenience, folks, but on this airline, we choose safety above all else.”

 You weren’t going to argue with him. You definitely didn’t want to risk your life over getting to your next destination. What was a one or two day delay? Once the pilot got to a lower altitude, the majority of the turbulence subsided. It was another ten minutes before the plane landed, but when it did, all you could see from the window was white overcast with darkness.

 When you had your belongings gathered and began walking off the plane along with the other fifty or so passengers, you tried to find cell service, but you had zero bars.

 “Excuse me, where are we?”

 “Uh—I’m actually not sure, ma’am. Patricia, where are we?”

 The two flight attendants looked puzzled. The second asked a third, and that third asked another. None of them seemed to know. That was not a good sign, you thought. Once you’d walked down the long corridor that served as the connection between the airport and the plane, you found yourself in one of the classiest airports you’d ever been in, and you’d been inside quite a few as a travel blogger. As far as the eye could see, it was class, with the exception of the floor.

You looked around you and marveled at the detail in the design that was around you. Where most airports were mainly logically designed without lavishness. This one looked like lavishness was the first priority. The floors looked to be made from the finest paonazzetto marble. You remembered the name because of the substantial time you’d spent in Italy trying to capture architecture through your camera lens. Reaching for your camera around your neck, you began snapping a few frames of the floor. Getting lost in picture taking, you found yourself at one of the many glass windows snapping pictures of the airplanes on the tarmac.

 Hearing the commotion of raised voices behind you, you looked back and saw the passengers of the plane you’d just disembarked from gathered in a huddle. You walked back toward them in time to catch a question from a concerned passenger.

 “How long are we delayed? When will we get back in the air? I have to get to Sandvell.”

 A man wearing a mixture of royal blue and white colors cleared his throat then spoke. “I apologize, ladies and gentlemen, for the delay. There is a storm heading right for us on the path to Sandvell. Continuing through it would be lunacy. Our only viable option is to wait it out.”

 No one seemed to like that answer. All the questions flew out at once. All their voices overlapped, and you could tell that the gentleman was overwhelmed by not only the volume of questions but also their voices.

 “According to our team here, we’re expecting possibly a twenty-four to thirty-six-hour delay.”

 Everyone groaned in unison, everyone but you. You’d traveled enough to always expect the unexpected. Things like this didn’t bother you so much now, three years into your career. The only thing that bothered you now was that you’d have to rearrange your hotel plans as well as finding somewhere to sleep tonight.

 “You said here,” you began with all eyes trained to you. “Where exactly is here?”

 The gentleman cleared his throat again. “Brexendor.”

 The crowd murmured as they looked at each other. Clearly, no one had ever heard of Brexendor. Some even pulled out their travel map to scour it for the country.

 “So what are we supposed to do now? Where do we stay?”

 “We are in the process of arranging accommodations at one of the inns within the capital. If you all would work with us so we have your names to get your luggage to you in a timely fashion so you can be shuttled over to the Inn, that would be appreciated.”

 Everyone filed into a line in front of one of the four airport staff, hoping to hurry matters along while you searched your phone for any information on where you were. When you typed in Brexendor into the search engine, the first thing that popped up was a map of the country. Apparently, it was next door to Sandvell. They were considered sister countries.

 “Population three million, run as a monarchy, considered one of the wealthiest countries in the world. Average life expectancy one hundred and ten years. Well, damn.”

 Someone clearing their throat brought your attention up in front of you. You were next in line.

 “Sorry.”

 The woman with brown eyes and blonde hair smiled warmly. “It’s all right, Ms--.”

 “Uh, Thornton, Xari Thornton.” You handed her your passport and boarding pass and waited as she scrolled through her tablet.

 “Ah yes, Ms. Thornton. Here is your paperwork. On it, you will find where you can retrieve your luggage and the shuttle number that will be taking you to the Inn. Once at the Inn, just provide your name, and you will find everything has been taken care of. On behalf of Brexendor Aviation, we humbly apologize for this snafu.”

 Her customer service training was on point, you thought. Her smile was warm, as if she really meant the words she’d just said. Finding it refreshing, you took the paperwork and proceeded to where she was motioning. Everyone you passed as you walked the fancy halls had a warm smile plastered to their face and even warmer words of welcome. You felt as if you’d stepped through into some alternate universe. You made a voice note about everything you encountered. You wanted to make sure you captured your authentic feelings and reactions in real-time. It made writing about your experience on the blog page easier. You’d even found that readers and supporters liked the play by play with your added thoughts. They commented it added personality.

Once you’d made it to the baggage claim area, your jaw dropped at the change in décor. There were Christmas trees that sparsely decorated the space, and they were all lit with the same blue, silver, and white theme. It contrasted with the latte color of the leather seats and the cream offset tables. The design gave the space an elegant but also comfortable vibe. When you slipped into one of the chairs, you released an audible moan. It was like sitting on a cloud.

 After gathering your luggage, you followed instructions through a hall lined with Christmas trees, stopping every so often to take a few pictures before you made it to the front of the airport. As you stepped outside, your eyebrows shot up seeing the fresh snow cascading from the sky. The bite in the air had you bundling your jacket tighter, but it did not stop you from snapping a few pictures. One turned to ten and ten to fifteen until another person clearing their throat brought you back to reality and to the waiting bus ahead of you.

You took a break from pictures and called the hotel in Sandvell, hoping to alter the dates of your stay. What you expected to be a hassle and a long drawn out process ending in them saying they were booked and nothing could be done, turned out to be quick, easy, and painless. The Luxembourg Hotel assured you that your room would still be available and there would be no charge for the altered dates. You made another note on your phone, a point you had to stress when you wrote your piece.

 You continued snapping pictures from the window of the bus with an easy mind. Everything you passed seemed like it didn’t belong. It all looked so old fashioned but so modern all at the same time. The buildings looked to have been standing since the beginning of time in the materials they’d been built in, but the displays were from the twenty-first century. It was the most exciting contradiction. The only word you could think to describe it was—quaint.

 When the bus drove over a bridge, you got a semi-bird’s eye view of the town across the water, and your jaw nearly dropped.

 “Brexendor? What the hell?”

 The entire drive had you widening your eyes like a child seeing an insane amount of presents on Christmas morning. Buildings were decked out in Christmas lights, and every door had a wreath with blue and silver Christmas ornaments. Almost every few feet, the sidewalks were decorated with poinsettia trees that were half the average human’s height, and the way the freshly fallen snow-dusted their tops only made it even more perfect.

 By the time the bus stopped, you’d taken so many pictures, and part of you was dreading having to go through them to choose the ones that would make the cut. You knew it was going to be a next to impossible decision. As you stepped off the bus, you felt like you’d walked right into a snow globe.

“Holy shit!”

 You spun, taking in a full three-sixty view of your surroundings. all the glistening lights and the falling snow only made it feel even more magical. You didn’t know where the hell Brexendor was or why the hell they rolled like this, but you were excited to see more. When you stopped spinning, you realized several other people were snapping pictures and looking just as marveled as you were. After gathering your luggage, you followed instructions and walked across the street to the building that a friendly looking man with slightly greying hair was standing before beckoning you inside.

 For the second time that night, you felt as if you’d stepped into a Christmas movie set. The interior was set so cozy. It felt like a Christmas cottage, and you loved it. Instinct had you reaching for your camera and taking a few shots of the Christmas tree in the corner by the fireplace and the plaid decorations on the leather couch. Even the pictures on the walls got a snap.

 “Miss?”

 Looking back to the owner, you smiled and approached the desk.

 “Hi, I’m so sorry. This place is so gorgeous.”

 “Thank you. I wish I could take the credit, but it is all my wife.”

 Just then, a beautiful brunette came out wearing a bright red sweater and one of those spoof reindeer antler headbands that bounced with every move.

 “Hi, there darling. Welcome to The Beaux. I’m Anita, and this is my husband, Borik. I heard all about your ordeal. I’m so sorry.”

 You shrugged but kept your smile plastered on your face.

 “It’s all right. Can’t control the weather, right?”

 Anita smiled and nodded. “Definitely not in Brexendor.”

 “I have never heard of this place before, and I am lost how. Everything is gorgeous and so quaint. How have you stayed under the radar?”

 Anita and Borik looked at each other with an all-knowing look that you wanted in on.

 “Guess it’s just happened,” Anita cheerfully said.

 You knew they knew something. Staying this under the radar, including from America, didn’t just happen. This took work. You wondered who in charge in their right mind would make a stupid decision like that.

 “Okay, what’s your name, darling?”

 “Uh, Xari Thornton.”

 “Ah-ha, I told you, Borik. Once we were contacted with a list of names that would be checking in, and I saw your name, I told him I just know she’s gorgeous and look. You are a vision.”

 You couldn’t help but smile widely while trying to keep your head under proper proportions.

 “Thank you.”

 “You must have quite the many suitors where you’re from,” Anita continued.

 You snorted and shook your head. The reality was you were as single as the number one with no prospects.

 “No suitors here.”

 Both Borik and Anita looked shocked, as if you’d said the most appalling thing.

 “That can’t be true. Borik. She’s single and at twenty-eight. Even our Kennedy was at least engaged by the time she turned twenty-seven. Here that is unheard of. A woman is usually married by twenty-four, especially if she’s a looker.”

 You pinched your lips, trying to keep your laughter in. this was not the first time you’d been called an old maid. Hell, your mother said it often, especially since you flat out turned down Maurice’s proposal three months ago. She was livid.

 Anita must have sensed the awkwardness of the moment because she cleared her throat and brought all her attention back to the reservation.

 “Well, your room is prepared. I took the liberty of giving you one of our prettiest rooms. Would you like Borik to carry your bags up?”

 “Uh—no, I’m sure I can manage,” you began.

 Borik stood, shook his head, and came around to you.

 “I won’t hear a thing about it. I’ll happily carry your luggage up. Follow me.”

 “That’s my Borik, ever the gentleman,” Anita filled in with an enamored smile before Borik walked off, leaving her to check in a few of the other passengers from the plane.

 You listened to Borik tell the story of the Inn and how it got its name. You kept one ear on his story while you took in every detail around you. The wood looked so rustic, and you guessed that was what gave the place such a warm and welcoming feeling. The higher you climbed, the more you saw, and the more you saw, the more you liked. You followed Borik down a hall, noticing that all the doors you passed had mini wreaths decked out in the same blue and silver ornaments like at the airport and throughout the streets.

 “Ah-ha, here we are,” Borik said before he put the key into the lock and pushed the door open. Once he did, the scent of cinnamon and pine hit you in the face. It was like the hand of Christmas came out and smacked you.

 “My wife loves the smell,” Borik explained as you stepped inside. You smiled and thanked him for his help.

 “If you get hungry, you have a few options. There are plenty of places nearby you can eat some authentic Brexendorian food, but also my wife cooks every night, and dinner usually is at eight o’clock, but tonight Anette has agreed to keep some heated for anyone who would like some. It’s stew, rabbit.”

 “Oh, thumper. Wonderful.”

 Borik laughed loudly with that one. “I know that one, Bambi, the children’s cartoon. Good one Ms. Thornton.”

 You smiled. “You can call me Xari, Borik.”

 “Well, have a good night,” he said before he walked out.

 Finally alone, the first thing you did was text your sister to let her know not to worry and give her an update on what was happening. After you let Anika know what was happening, it didn’t take long for your phone to ring. The next ten or so minutes were spent talking to Anika and telling her how amazing the things you’d seen so far were. You could not shut up about the decorations, the way the snow looked to have been groomed to lay on things perfectly. It was that damn picturesque. Since you couldn’t stop talking about it, Anika was the one to suggest you go out and enjoy it before you got back on the plane. It was a suggestion you fully intended on listening to.

 Fifteen minutes later, you were back downstairs bundled with your camera and your purse, ready to explore. When you told Anita your intention, she gave you a map of the city and highlighted places to look at but cautioned you to hurry because stores would be closing soon, and nights during Brexendor winters could be brutal. You promised you’d be quick and careful, then stepped out, ready to explore like Dora.

 Your first stop was a block down, a children’s toy store. It was decked out with all the latest toys along with some traditional things that Santa would have brought specially made from his workshop. While you were snapping pictures outside the window, a kid ran up to the window and pressed his nose to it. His eyes were wide, and his mouth matched their size. You asked the adult with him if you could take a picture. When they approved, you got one or two from a few different angles before they walked off.

 As you walked through the city, enjoying the scenery, you took pictures of everything that caught your eye, ornaments, trees, people, stores, even pets. Christmas wasn’t your favorite holiday, but it was your second favorite, and being here really as inching it higher on the list.

 When you felt a strong wind hit you, it stopped you in your tracks. It was strong enough to have you stagger backward a little, allowing a chill to sweep through you. You looked around and saw a few feet away was some sort of bar, and behind it was swirling snow that looked like a tornado. You hurried toward the building, being careful not to slip on any ice that may be hiding underneath the snow. Once to the door, you walked inside, and the sound of Christmas carols filled your ears.

 “Jesus.”

 If the scent of the Inn felt like Christmas slapped you in the face, the look and sound of this place was the one two-hitter that settled that you were in a whole nother world here. You looked around and found a coat rack along the left wall. After placing your jacket and scarf on the hook, you walked to the bar and slid onto a stool. As you waited for the bartender to come over, you looked around. Here it didn’t smell like cinnamon, but the pine was present, along with the smell of alcohol and licorice.

There were several small dark wooden tables around the bar with chairs and even booths that decorated the walls. The floors matched the tables, and those matched the walls. This place looked like somewhere you’d find in the middle of nowhere. The window to the back of the establishment showed the dark woods with tall snow-covered trees and that howling snow tornado.

 When you turned back to the back, the huge elk head above the wall lined with alcohol bottles had you gasping.

 “Jeez,” you said as you snapped two of three pictures of the creepy looking thing.

 “That is Hogan’s prized possession.”

You looked beside you where the voice came from to see a very attractive man there. When you’d sat down, you didn’t notice anyone beside you, so to see his piercing blue eyes boring holes into you. Your eyes traveled lower to his awkwardly shaped nose. It looked like it had been broken once or twice and never quite went back to normal. You didn’t mind it, though. Who liked a perfect face, especially when looking at him, seemed like that was about the only thing that was not absolutely perfect. His jaw was carved to precision like he was specially crafted and not born. When your eyes fell to his lips, you purposely forced yourself to look away.

 “Is—is that right?”

 “Yes. I bet you cannot guess why,” the stranger said in a crisp European accent that was very close to British. You weren’t one hundred percent sure if it was or not, he just sounded proper as hell, and it was actually a bit of a turn on.

 You shrugged while looking at the bottles that lined the back of the bar. “Enlighten me.”

 Just then, a large man with blond hair in a man bun walked over. He had to have been over six feet tall, and if this were America, he’d definitely be a shopper at the store Big & Tall. The man looked to the one seated beside you, ready to speak but suddenly closed his mouth.

 “Hogan, Ms--,” the stranger began waiting for you to fill in your name.

 He thought he was so smooth; you thought as you smiled to yourself.

 “Xari.”

 His eyebrow shot up, and he smiled sweetly. “Wow, what a beautiful name.”

 You smiled, and as you felt it widening, you bit onto your bottom lip to stop it. “Thanks.”

 “Ms. Xari would like to know why Shandoe is your most prized possession.”

 “Shandoe?”

 Hogan looked behind him at the Elk’s head then smiled. “It’s been in my family for generations. It was the first thing my great-great-great-great-great grandfather ever killed for himself to feed his family. They ate everything but the head and decided to keep it as a reminder of where we came from.”

 You were expecting some weird manly story but what you got was a wholesome and heartwarming tale. You smiled, raised your camera, and snapped Hogan, and as he stared at the Elk’s head with such a loving look on his face that was such a contradiction for his large frame.

 “Are you a reporter?”

 “No, no. Not at all. I’m a travel influencer and blogger. I go around and soak up what the world has to offer while taking pictures and writing about it on my blog for others to read about.”

 The man beside you nodded, then raised his glass to his head.

 “What can I get you?”

 “Uh—what is he drinking?”

 “The Mistletoe Bomb.”

 You snorted, unable to contain yourself any longer. “What in the world is that?”

 “You laugh now, but it is a blend he makes special for me. It is not for the faint of heart,” the man beside you informed.

 “Oh no, well looks like I’ll be having one of those.”

 Hogan looked to him, then back to you. “It is all right, Hogan. Give the lady what she wants. I am assuming fell strength is also what you require?”

 “Yes, full strength. I want all the mistletoe and all the bomb.”

 Hogan went to work, making the drink while you continued looking around.

 “Em, I’m Henry.”

 You looked to him to find his hand outstretched to you, waiting for you to place yours in it. When you did, you repeated your name as you noted how soft his hands were. It felt like he’d never done a day’s work with them. Henry rose your hand to his lips and placed a soft kiss on the back of your hand. It was one small action, but that action had butterflies flitting in your belly and your cheeks heating as if a heater was aimed directly at your face.

 “I am delighted to make your acquaintance,” Henry uttered while looking into your eyes.

 “Same,” you whispered.

 Henry released your hand and turned back to his drink at the same time Hogan placed a mug before you.

 “One Mistletoe Bomb for the lady.”

 You looked at the large mug then to Hogan, who waited expectantly. When your eyes drifted to Henry beside you, he too was watching and waiting. No matter how much you felt like this was a setup, you persisted, not wanting to back down. When you took your first full mouthful of the drink, your eyes immediately bugged. Your tongue was on fire in seconds, and it seemed the longer you held the liquid in your mouth, the worse the burn was. You gulped it down and instantly knew the mistake. Not only was your mouth on fire, but now your throat and chest as it burned a fiery path to your belly.

 “Holy fucking shit!”

 The two men boisterously laughed, the sounds booming off the wooden walls before filling the entire room. You looked around, noticing for the first time it was completely empty.

 “What the hell is that?”

 “Something that will put hair on your chest,” Hogan teased.

 “No, shit.”

 Henry seemed to like that response; he laughed again then finished his mug.

 “How can you drink this?”

 He shrugged, then turned his body to you. You gave him a well-paced once over, taking in his furry winter boots, dark pants, and dark sweater to match the pants. Underneath the sweater, though, you saw peeks of a crisp white shirt. He dressed like he had money, you thought.

 “I have done it for half my life. I do not even feel the burn anymore. Do you know why he calls it Mistletoe Bomb now?”

 You giggled and nodded, pushing the mug away. If you drank that, you’d need to be carried out of here. As Hogan appeared to take the mug away, Henry reached for it, insisting he’d finish it while Hogan placed a beer bottle in front of you.

 “Would you like a straw?”

 You looked at Hogan as if he were crazy. Who drank beer with a straw? You shook your head and raised the bottle to your lips to take a swig. This was more your speed, not pure petrol.

 “So you are new in town,” Henry began.”

 “Kind of. My plane had to detour because of the storm, so here I am in a place I’ve never heard of and cannot figure out why.”

 “Is it strange to never have heard of every place in the world?”

 You thought about it for a moment as you took another mouthful of beer then nodded.

 “Yes. I’m from America,” you began.

 “Ah, American. Let me guess. Everything has to be discovered, and if it is not, then either it doe not exist, or it is being hidden.”

 You snapped your mouth shut. He’d guessed American thinking in one try. “Well, that’s not fun,” you added. Henry laughed and took his mouthful of fire.

 “I am sorry. I know America well,” Henry informed.

 “Oh, so you’ve been?”

 “No. I do not need to. I have spent my entire life learning it.”

 You looked back at him, confused by what he meant.

 “Every country gives lessons on other countries of the word, especially powerhouse countries,” he explained.

 “Well, your studies have paid off.”

 “Do you really believe that everything has to be discovered?”

 “No. where is the fun in that? I believe that the world has to have some mystery.”

 “Then welcome to Brexendor,” Henry said with a smile.

 “Brexendor. What’s it’s deal?”

 You leaned closer, resting your elbow on the wood of the bar as you watched him.

 “Deal? I am afraid I do not understand.”

 “What I mean is, the people are nice. Everyone I have encountered, including at the airport, is nice. You know airport staff can be so mean, but not here. The people who own the Inn I am staying at are so sweet. Even strangers I bump into don’t;’ seem to mind. Not to mention, this place has the whole snow globe effect down. It’s incredible. What is the deal? Is the president some fantastic guy who pays everyone well and gives them ample vacation time for them to be so happy?”

 Henry smiled, dipped his head lower, then rubbed the back of his neck.

 “Would that be unusual?”

 “Yes. Compared to what America has going on—highly unusual.”

 “Well, the first thing to know about Brexendor is, a president does not run it,” Henry clarified.

 “Ah right, it is a monarchy. So does that mean there is a king, and queen, lords, dukes,” you began, then gasped, remembering more. “Princesses?”

 Henry smirked, gulped his drink, then nodded. “Yes.” He continued to take another swig from his mug.

 His words slowly resonated. “What!? You’re serious?”

 He nodded, then placed the glass onto the bar.

 “Wow. How interesting. So this King and Queen are they the good kind?”

 Henry’s smile turned somber before it disappeared altogether.

 “Did I say something wrong?”

 “No, no. Yes, the King and Queen are the best kind,” he filled in before he took the last mouthful of his drink. “They would like you.”

 You laughed loudly and shook your head. “Me? I doubt that. While all the mothers of my boyfriends have loved me, I don’t think the King and Queen would care for me.”

 “Boyfriend, so uh—you’re involved,” Henry said as he avoided your eyes.

 His words sounded like a statement rather than a question, so you remained quiet. After a few moments, he looked at you expectantly. You pinched your lips before you finished your beer.

 “Are you involved?”

 Henry took a deep breath looked forward to the bottles at the bar as a pained and confused expression washed over his features.

 “I’ll take that as a yes,” you replied.

 “I am not—involved,” he answered.

 “You said it like you weren’t sure.”

 “It is complicated.”

 “Well, I am a stranger in a bar—an empty bar. You’ll most likely never see me again, and I’ve been told I’m a great listener.”

 Henry smiled then turned back to you, resting his elbow on the bar mimicking your stance.

 “You have not answered my inquiry.”

 “Inquiry?”

 Henry smiled again, then bit his bottom lip. That is where your eyes went to. He had nice lips, you thought.

 “On if you are involved,” he clarified.

 “I am not involved with anyone. If you ask my mother, she will tell you I’m an old maid with no prospects.”

 “I do not believe that. You are funny, intelligent, fun to be around, and quite beautiful. There is no way you have no admirers.”

 You smiled and began toying with your necklace.

 “I’m sure you say that to all the girls you meet in deserted bars during a snow storm.”

 He snorted, and you felt his breath across your cheek. It was then you realized how close the two of you were to each other.

 “To be honest, I have never found myself alone with a woman in a bar. You are my first.”

 You bit your bottom lip feeling more flirtatious than usual as you gazed into his hypnotizing eyes. He was gorgeous and becoming even more so with every passing minute. The two of you ordered more drinks, then drifted off to one of the booths on the wall that was more hidden and even more comfortable. You talked about nearly everything and nothing at the same time. He spoke a lot about philosophy and astronomy and the sciences that motivated a lot of the earlier theories. It was fascinating just listening to him speak. There was something about his mouth and the properness of the words he used. Never once did he use slang or even a contraction. You’d never met anyone who didn’t use contractions. The longer you sat there, the more you felt like never getting up.

 “There is something about you that is so comfortable and easy,” Henry began.

 “You too.”

 “I feel like I can talk to you about anything. I even want to.”

 You smiled, “You too.”

 Your eyes lingered, and you saw him sway forward, but then he stopped only to do it again and again. With your faces were centimeters from one another, it was then you noticed the slight speck of brown in his left eye. You felt Henry’s hand gently cup your cheek; then, his thumb slowly stroked your skin. The heat from his palm seared your cheek, and every stroke of his thumb send heat tendrils down your jaw to your lips, making them tingle and yearn for his.

 This had never happened to you in your entire life. You’d known this man a few hours and were ready to possibly bring him back to the Inn with you. Henry didn’t move. It was like he was giving you the last few centimeters to make a decision, but you didn’t make it. A phone went off, but you both ignored it until the sound went off. You raised your hand to rest on top of his. Once your skin touched his, Henry lightly sighed out. Before either of you could make another move, a phone rang again. This time Henry groaned before he looked away just as you did.

 You cleared your throat and slid from his body as he checked his phone.

 “I have to go,” he announced.

 Frozen, you sat there trying to understand if you’d read this entire thing wrong.

 “I am sorry, something—urgent has come up.”

 You snapped out of it, then nodded. “It’s fine. I should probably get back to the Inn anyway. They say a storm is brewing.”

 Both of you stood from the booth while straightening your clothes.

 “I really enjoyed tonight,” Henry added.

 You smiled and nodded. “Me too. It was—nice.”

 Your eyes lingered again, and your bodies drifted closer. It was you who looked away first and stepped back. You reached for your purse, but Henry stopped you.

 “It has been taken care of. Let us call it a tourist special, right Hogan.”

 “Right your--,” Hogan began before Henry looked at him, cutting him off.

 Henry ushered you to the coat rack on the wall by the door then helped you into your jacket.

 “Can I drive you back to the Inn?”

 “No, please. I am more than capable of getting back,” you assured.”

 “Are you sure?”

 You nodded then turned to walk out, but Henry pulled you to him. “I want to see you again.”

 “I don’t see how. I leave tomorrow as soon as the storm passes.”

 Henry looked to be thinking before he sighed. “I guess it was not meant to be,” you whispered, a tinge of sadness filling you as reality set in.

 “In another life,” Henry softly said.

 He came closer then placed a slow, chaste kiss on your cheek before he released you. The two of you stared at each other for a few moments, and in those moments, anything felt possible. When you faced that anything could have been possible but not for you, you sighed. A few seconds later, you turned and walked out of the bar.

Once outside, the rough wind caught you off guard. You took a few moments to bundle yourself, then continued walking back to the Inn. The swirling snow in the air made it a little challenging to see, but you tried the best you could. Several times, the wind picked up and shoved you where it wanted, forcing you to grab on to something to hold until it passed.

 Suddenly a big gust of wind blew you to the right and knocking you off your feet to roll for several feet. When the wind slowed, you rolled over onto your back to spit out the mouthful of snow that you’d managed to ingest. It took you several tries to stand, but when you did, you tried to see where you were and what direction you needed to walk in. That was when the wind picked up again, making you scream. When you turned, you saw two headlights coming right at you, then all you felt was pain before you were out cold.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[draculiza]

What less social media is doing to me

I've deleted my Instagram app a month ago and it's been amazing. I've been using that app intensly for about 4 years, which was mostly a lot of fun, but I've also had my moments where I just wanted to delete it all. There were always things that made me stay though, like keeping up with my friends and just enjoying creating content. But I finally did it, the app is gone and I feel amazing.

The second I deleted it I was so relieved. I felt like I could breathe and this big chaotic and messy IG drawer in my head was free to go into the bin. Yes, Instagram was always swirling in my mind and ever since deleting it I've noticed just how much it's been present in there.

Chapter 1 • how social media can be toxic

I would spend so much time thinking about what I could post on my feed, what would look good, what place I could arrange aesthetically so I could take a nice picture. Sometimes taking pictures would take so much time, without even taking into account how much time I spent editing the pictures, deciding on what order I could post them in and what caption to use. Oh man, the CAPTIONS. I could not for the life of me ever come up with a caption. That shit must've taken up so much time of my life and I was often so fed up with that part of it, but I felt like I had to. It was a whole thing.

Next to that I would spend my days off doing makeup, putting outfits together and taking a million pictures just for the sake of posting some on IG. I did it solely for making content, I was setting a scene that just took so much effort. I didn't have to go anywhere or do it for myself, so it didn't go naturally, you know? It's hard to describe, but I hope you get the gist.

So like I said, I would dress up just for pictures and it would always make me so tired. It's a routine I got used to, but I didn't enjoy doing it. I'd get ready, take pictures, then edit them and be super tired because I've spent hours doing it. I never did it for myself and yes, while it is fun to look back on and see those aesthetically pleasing pictures, the joy of seeing that doesn't outweigh the negative feelings and effort it took to create them.

There is nothing wrong with taking time to create pictures of course, if you enjoy doing it, all the more power to you! It's just not something I'm going to do to myself anymore. I'll still dress up, but only if I have another reason for it, then the pictures will be a fun extra!

So yea, personally for me it's just become very toxic and it took up too much of my time. Not only because of what I've talked about, but also the fact that there's friends who post pictures and stories and me wanting to keep up with those aswell. It just became a bit too much.

Chapter 2 • the positive changes

There's so many things I want to do in my free time. Like keeping up with my hobbies, go outside and walk around in forests, doing things in life and really be present while doing so. When I was active on instagram I'd constantly think about creating content and with everything I did I'd debate whether or not it'd be fun to capture it for my story. Taking that away made me be so much more present, my mind is much more focused on the things that matter and spending my time not in front of a electric rectangle device has just become so precious.

Beautiful things I see or little moments I have are just for me now, they're not tainted by taking pictures of it and taking time to upload it to a silly social platform. It's just happening in the moment and I'm there to capture it into my memories alone. It's so nice.

Here are some things I've noticed since deleting the app:

• My mind isn't super chaotic anymore

• I register more that's going on around me, I'm more present in life

• I'm not as fussy about appearance

• I'm more positive

• there's no weight constantly dragging me down

• I just generally feel better about myself

It's the little things, like not caring as much about my hair anymore. I used to be so focused on the way it looked at all times, because you know, what if I felt like taking a picture? I just made everything so complicated for myself.

Now I care so much less about my hair and it's given me the freedom to play around with it a lot. Because if it doesn't look good it doesn't matter! The thing that matters most now is comfort and me having fun with it. But the funny thing is that it actually looks better now that I'm not being so careful with it anymore, haha!

I'm also taking so much less pictures of just insignificant shit. I don't need to keep up with an IG story or constantly search for pictures that look aesthetic enough to maybe post on my feed. I don't whip out my phone for every little thing and it just feels so freeing to not have that going on in my head all the time anymore.

Chapter 3 • put time in happy things

I was afraid of missing out, but every time I log onto Twitter now I'm just like 🤷 I really don't miss anything. It's just a lot of noise and useless information that I used to consume so much, but really don't see the need of consuming anymore. My quality of life doesn't increase from it so why would I interact with it? This doesn't apply to any of my friends though, I'm still happy to see their tweets and see how they're doing. They are the only reason I'm not off of Twitter yet too.

It's just weird. I used to be SO into instagram and social media in general, but when I think about it now I'm like what's the point. It kinda feels meaningless now. And I think that shows a lot of character development! I'm becoming a better version of myself and deciding to increase my own quality of living instead of choosing to share everything on the internet. It's one of the best things I've done for myself.

One last thing I'd like to mention is that I also have more time to read now! I haven't really done so yet, but I've started reading my all time favourite book again and it is just so nice. I've just gained a lot of time I used to spend scrolling through timelines, that I can now use to pick up reading and other hobbies I enjoy!

I'm sorry if this has become a long post! If you read it all the way through; just know that I appreciate you very much and I hope that if you're struggling with your relationship with social media you'll consider taking some time off, because I assure you that it'll be very refreshing for your soul. Even deleting your apps for a week will bring loads of change in your mental health!

The best thing you can do is to put your phone away and look around you and do things in real life! Take walks, do a puzzle you never got round to doing, start drawing things, read that one book you always wanted to start but didn't. There's lots of things to do that can make your life much more valuable to yourself. Social media is so toxic and I'm so thankful to myself to have stepped away from it.

I chose to live my life more authentically and that's such a wonderful decision I made. Life is precious and I'm here to live it! 🖤

[hopesbarnes]

Black Swan (4)

Summary: Y/N used to be a Russian spy under the code name Black Swan. But that was a lifetime ago, now she’s a part-time avenger, dance teacher, surrogate sister to Natasha Romanoff, and trainer to new Shield Agents. She’s come a long way from the days of killing targets and being tortured. But when someone from her past comes around will she be able to ignore her history anymore? Or will she end up falling in love with the only man her sister ever loved?

A/N: Will be reblogged to @rogvewrites​ at 12 pm tomorrow. I am also taking next week off from posting bc ya girl needs a mini-break.  

also! tell me thoughts and feelings abt this one:)

The two of you return from your adventure in the grocery store and unpack the car and restock the fridge together. You even make sure to organize in the way Steve likes to avoid arguing with him later. Why the spices needed to be alphabetical, you didn’t know. But you did it anyway. Better to just do it than have the same argument for the thousandth time. 

“Do you maybe wanna watch another movie?” you ask as you put his precious ice cream in the freezer after he puts a note reading ‘Eat and I will kill you - Winter Soldier’ on the top of the tub. 

“How about that one you mentioned at the store, Going to the Future?”, he suggests.

“Back to the Future, Bucky. It’s called Back to the Future. And you sure? It’s a trilogy and that’s a lot of time to spend with me!” you say half-joking, half-serious. He was still getting used to the tower and sitting through three movies is a lot

“I’m sure. I don’t mind spending time with you,” he admits.

“I kind of have to work on some choreography for a bit, but we can watch it later?” He nods and heads towards his room. You head towards the studio Tony constructed for you and Natasha and stretch while playing ‘Waltz of the Flower’, the song you assigned to the youngest group of girls, all aged 6-8. It would be their first ‘big girl dance’ and you had to make sure the choreography wasn’t too complicated for them to remember. It was Tuesday night now, and the girl’s class was tomorrow night. Trying to come up with a dance at the same time as teaching them was disastrous, so it’s better to come prepared and focused. 

It only took an hour or so to map out formations the girls would be in, and edit the music down to the time you wanted. You planned out the first minute of the song, and couldn’t do more until you see how it looked with the girls. Nobody else was around so you decided to play some music on the speakers and free dance. You let John Mayer’s voice fill the room and put on your pointe shoes, letting the music take control. Unbeknownst to you Bucky stood outside the room and watched from the window in the door. Your fluid movements and rhythmic turns captured him, and he knew he was starting to like you more than a friend.  

When you felt lighter and less stressed you stopped the music and removed the shoes. It was still pretty early so there was time to start the movie marathon. After a quick shower, you called him through Friday and arranged to meet him in the group living room. 

Bucky came, ice cream in tow, and hesitantly laid against the couch. You popped a bag of popcorn and got settled in.

“So there’s three of these?” he asked and you laughed.

“Yup! We can watch the others another time though, we have time,” you said and he smiled at the idea of having time. Time to just relax, and time to relax with you. You start the movie and he stays pretty quiet until the Delorian flies. Bucky looked amazed as the car flew. 

“You know Stark almost had a flying car before the war. I remember seeing it, it hovered a second or two ‘fore falling to the ground again.” he said fondly. You smiled at him, not wanting to ask any more questions in case it led to what happened to Tony’s parents. It was good that he remembered the event though. You had read all about the Stark Expo and Howard Stark’s car that floated in a time before cars even had mandatory seat belts. 

The two of you sit in comfortable silence for most of the movie, only adding small comments towards the movie or laughing as it played. When the movie’s credits roll, you look over to his spot on the couch to see what he thought. But instead, you see him sleeping soundly, his bowl empty and beside him on the couch. He looked peaceful, and you didn’t dare disturb that. You draped a blanket over him as the rest of the tower tricked in from their day’s activities. You shush them and send a stern look their way and they get the gist. Everyone but Steve retreats to their rooms. He points at Bucky and puts his arms out questioning but you just smile and shrug in response. He drops his things off by the wall and motions his head towards his room, silently asking you to follow.  

You followed Steve to his room and plop down on his couch, ready for a lecture. It no doubt was coming, he had his ‘dad look’ on. You had no idea the topic, but he always did this when he wanted to talk about something serious. Motioned to his room, and then sat on the chair opposite the couch.

“You and Buck seem close.” he starts, forming the words hesitantly. You just nod in reply.

“I haven’t seen him this close to someone since ‘fore the war. It’s nice,” he admits. “You know I worry about him, he spent so long taking care of me. Back when I was that scrawny little asshole who didn’t stop fighting. Figured I owe it to him now. He won’t ask for help, ‘s not him.” 

You nod. Boy did you know that feeling well. “It’s like me and Natalia. I took care of her when she was younger when she was naive. God, she used to think she was invincible and would get in such trouble. Never would’ve imagined it with how she is now. I mean, now I feel like she’s the mature one. Don’t get me wrong, I still have to hold her when she gets emotional, but she watches out for me more than I do for her now. The years have definitely flipped our roles.”

“Never seen her emotional, huh.” He says blinking in surprise. To Steve, she was the Widow that saved his ass one too many times. “But yeah. I guess like that. I, well, bring it up because I want to make sure you and I have the same idea when it comes to Bucky. He can’t handle getting hurt right now, it’d break him,” Steve says in an authoritarian voice. You were getting the strict girlfriends’ dad talk from him.

You laugh, “Isn’t the talk usually given to the guy not to break the girl's heart? Trust me, we’re just friends.” you sigh audibly. You didn’t want to date Bucky, even if he laughed at your jokes and looked like a good person to cuddle with. You shake the thought from your head. “Plus, I mean we can’t even date! Girls don’t date people their sisters were in love with that’d just be horr-.” You pause, realizing the word vomit that just came out. 

“Shit,” You say softly. 

“Shit,” Steve repeats back. He slumps back in the chair confused. “Shit is definitely right. I didn’t know Natasha was in love with Bucky. Heck, I didn’t even think they crossed paths. Wasn’t she KGB not Hydra?” he asks.

“You weren’t supposed to hear that, I promised her I wouldn’t tell anyone. And she’s not in love with him now, she was when we were younger. Hydra and KGB were different sides of the same coin. They intersected at times.” You can’t believe you told Steve. What a great sister you are.

“Please promise you won’t say anything. Just try and forget I said anything,” you add on beggingly. 

 “So you knew him too? Before the airport?” Shit, you just accidentally opened a door to a story you hated going through. 

“If you promise not to say anything, I’ll explain.”

 “Deal,” he says. So you start retelling the story for the second time in two months. 

[captaincoffeegirl515]

I just saw the live-action Mulan movie, and in short, it sucked.

It’s not worth the money! Not worth the 37 dollars you’ll need to pay so that you can merely rent the movie. Don’t worry, I pirated it. I didn’t give Disney any money, and I’m writing this so you won’t have to as well.

To think, my mom was so excited about this film especially since we are Chinese and the animated Mulan film was one of her favourite Disney films. But throughout the film, we were disappointed again and again.

First of all, the directing, camera work, pacing, and editing was terrible. The pacing of the movie was all over the place. The fight scenes especially, were so erratic and badly put together. Either they’d have the scene move at a normal pace but would cut and change to a new angle or perspective multiple times until you can barely tell if there were any hits or what they were doing. Or they would do slow-mo and do a zoom-in on Mulan’s blank, stiff face.

They had Donnie Yen, a famous martial artist and actor, doing some incredible swordsmanship and martial arts in front of the soldiers but then they ruined it by constantly cutting away from him to some random blank-faced soldier. What wasted potential!

Did I mention the blank faces. Everyone looked so stiff during the movie, barely any proper acting done. This was especially obvious with the Witch, whose face barely seems to move. The most emotional I saw her was when she had teary eyes, but still, the rest of her face stayed smooth.

My biggest problem lay with the fact that they took the sexism of the animated Mulan movie and managed to crank it up to a thousand. The whole concept of chi/qi was wrong. For starters, real chi lies in everyone, and it does not give you superpowers or suddenly makes you a good fighter. But in the movie, apparently only men can use chi and gain superpowers, and that if a woman somehow had chi then she’s a witch and must be outcast or killed. And it made it seem like the only reason Mulan could keep up with the men or be better than them was because she had these superpowers. I honestly have no words to express my anger and disappointment at this.

I understand they removed Mushu in the live action since it was offensive to Chinese mythology. But replacing it with a phoenix based on Greek mythology?? That made no sense. And not only that, the CGI was terrible. Not only did it look obviously fake, my siblings and I all felt like the phoenix was made of paper. One of them joked that it was a kite. The coloring also reminded me of the bird in Wings of Time that I saw in Sentosa Singapore.

Btw, Chinese don’t have any concept of witches or witch hunts. Lord knows why Disney tried to put more Western concepts when they wanted to make an Asian movie.

Moving on to the characters and their chemistry. In short, there was none. Little to none actually. I don’t understand why Honghui was supposed to be her love interest. No chemistry and barely any meaningful interactions. They met with him insulting her and continuing to insult her throughout most of their scenes. The “love interest” also spent a lot of his time staring at Mulan like one of those creepy perverts that you try your best to ignore. Is this really the kind of lesson you want to teach kids?

And Ling? Yao? Chien-po? What happened to them? Their names were barely mentioned and their characterizations were so one-dimensional. There were not enough scenes building them up as proper characters, which made them easily forgettable. Because of this, we also had trouble telling all of the soldiers apart, and this includes Honghui and Cricket. Cricket was initially mistaken as Chien-po. There was even less time emphasizing their friendship with Mulan. I also didn’t understand why the need to add Cricket in the movie as another soldier. Disney still didn’t give him any proper growth or arc beyond that one shining moment with the arrow. I also didn’t understand why he suddenly decided to play dead at the end of the corridor fight. Another “dramatic moment” that fell flat.

Where do I begin with the Witch? Shan Yu was an incredible bad guy already. Why did they try to make his falcon human and have her as a witch? For the most part, it seemed like she was just there to drive down the movie’s point that women should be subjugated. She had the power to kill Bori Khan easily, but… chose not to because she thought he would help make her not an outcast?? And even when she changed sides, instead of idk killing Bori Khan when he tried to shoot Mulan, she just… flew… in front of… the arrow… and died. Wow.

What was Bori Khan’s revenge supposed to be anyways? For the most part, it looked like he was trying to slow-cook the Emperor. Like what was up with the random forges and the 2 inch pool of lava?? Were forges back then even hot enough to make lava and have it stay red hot the whole time even when it was in that pool?? Also, swords do NOT melt that fast.

Also, the part where Bori Khan was talking to the captured Emperor was so unintentionally funny. Like at the end of every sentence he would just suddenly make sparks with his weapon at the Emperor’s face. If it was a one-time thing, it would have been fine. But he just… kept… doing it. And with every strike I just started laughing more and more.

The Emperor was… something. Of course he was probably one of the men who has chi powers judging by his sleeve attacks. Honestly, that part felt so random, my siblings and I were all laughing and going “what??”. His voice was so clearly dubbed in, and badly done. He also seemed to have been given the clunkiest dialogue in the movie. I also miss the scene in the animated movie where Shan Yu tells the Emperor to bow down to him and the Emperor replies, “No matter how strong the wind blows, the mountain cannot bow down to it.” because that line was awesome.

The sister’s character was also completely unnecessary. According to Disney, she’s to showcase Mulan’s devotion to her family and give her more motivation to do what she does. But?? She took her father's place in the war to protect him?? Wasn’t the whole point of her story is her pretending to be a man to protect her father from certain death?? Is that not already a huge motivational factor and shows her devotion to her family??

Does anyone else also find it weird that when Mulan was in the army, everyone referred to her by her full name? Like everyone had their first names and were called that, but for Mulan it was always Hua Jun? Btw for those not aware, with Chinese names, the surname is at the beginning. Hua is Mulan’s surname. So shouldn’t they be calling her simply as Jun??

Moving on, I have to bring attention to several of the changes in the movie. It’s like they cut out all the scenes that gave the movie an emotional impact and replaced it with bland scenes that didn’t add to the story at all. Her decision to take her father’s place in the war and steal his armor was replaced with some weird thing about her getting lost and the phoenix having to bail her out.

The incredible moment when Mulan gets the arrow from the top of the post was replaced by bringing two buckets to the top of the mountain. Anyone who is strong and determined enough would have been able to do that. With the arrow, she needed to think and strategize, using the weights to help carry her up. With the buckets, she just used her chi superpowers.

The drama and shock as the happily-singing soldiers come upon the destroyed village becomes a drawn-out traveling scene that has the General asking Mulan to marry his daughter, and then cuts to the army at the village.

The scene where it looked like Shang was going to kill Mulan but then he spares her because she saved his life is gone completely since they decided to split Shang into two characters instead. Even Mulan’s line where she says, “You believe Ping, why not Mulan?” was given to Honghui instead, robbing Mulan of her moment.

Honestly, there was no need for the Witch and her fight scene with Mulan, but apparently in the movie, chi is weakened by dishonesty. It’s weird that the Witch is even telling her that since they’re supposedly enemies, and telling her about the dishonesty will make Mulan stronger.

Another thing is Disney’s weirdly intense focus on arranged marriages and matchmaking, with multiple characters mentioning whether or not they are matched or asking others if they are. Even at the end, the sister goes “oh I am matched”. I didn’t see the point of having that in the movie.

I almost forgot about the trebuchet/catapult! The Rourans are supposed to be a Nomadic people. Where are they finding the time and energy to drag that gigantic thing around? I also have to mention that the Rourans had some incredibly good aim when firing at the soldiers but missed by a long shot when they fired at where Mulan was hiding. That was… dumb, to say the least.

How did Mulan even get there anyways? And how did she carry all those helmets with only two hands? I’m even giving her some leeway because there are people who can control a horse with just their legs. The actress for Mulan also has clearly never fired an arrow before and was not given training for it. The way she loaded the arrows and how her fingers sprung open like that screamed CGI arrows

And now I’m remembering the random horse gymnastics the Rourans used to turn around on their horse so that they could fire arrows while riding. It looked cool, yes, but I don’t think that was the most efficient way to turn around.

Back to the fight scene, Mulan managed to go from chasing the Rourans into the mountains and fighting the Witch, to back to where her army was, then somehow teleported to a different mountain behind where the Rourans were. She also somehow outran an avalanche?? She also killed her own men in that avalanche. Not the best plan in my opinion.

Ultimately, Mulan’s growth and arc to become a soldier and hero of China was undermined by the fact that she was already perfect due to her chi powers. There was no need for her to grow and train because her chi made her strong, her chi made her skillful. And because of this, she lost her relatability. I hate to say this, but she became a Marysue.

I don’t know where to put this but Mulan’s makeup and outfit for the matchmaker scene was the ugliest thing I have ever seen. Green eyebrows?? Really?? What happened to her face? What happened to her dress? Everyone’s costumes also felt unrealistically colorful for a poor farming village.

Lastly, I’m sure many of you know that Disney worked with, credited, and gave thanks to the Xinjiang authorities. Those authorities are responsible for imprisoning up to TWO MILLION Uighur Muslims in concentration camps, forcing them to learn and be patriotic about China’s communist doctrine and propoganda, not allowing them to practice their faith, and subjecting them to horrific conditions, torture, sexual abuse, forced sterilization, brainwashing, and other abuses.

To end this overly wordy review, I don’t understand why Disney would willingly get so much wrong. They tried very hard to make changes and appeal to the Chinese audience but refused to have Chinese creators to help with the screenplay, directing, costume and makeup, etc. Now all they’ve done is alienate said audience.

[pixelgrotto]

Underdark slogging

Last month myself and a group of other folks finished the Dungeons & Dragons campaign Out of the Abyss after about 18 months of playing nearly every week. Jinkies. This wasn’t the lengthiest campaign I’d ever participated in or run, but it was the one where we met most frequently, since all of my other long-running tabletop RPG games are either monthly or bi-weekly. 

On that note, I’d love to be able to say that it was nearly two years of weekly thrills, but I can’t quite do that. There was actually a lot of slog in this experience, and I had an internal debate a few times on whether or not I’d stick it out. (More on that later.) At the end of the day, I stuck around, and now I can look back and say that the overall experience was worth it. But I’ve also taken some time to ponder about what I didn’t necessarily like, and I think there were a couple of issues at work - the first being that I found Out of the Abyss, as an adventure module, to be grueling. 

Out of the Abyss is described by D&D writer Chris Perkins in the intro as heavily inspired by Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass, where the player characters are constantly bouncing from one strange encounter in the Underdark to the next. That sounds interesting on paper, but in reality the adventure begins with the players captured by drow and stuck in a prison camp, and once you escape you’re constantly on the run without much of a chance to catch your breath. You hop from one dungeon crawl to the next, only occasionally stopping in Underdark cities like Gracklstugh or Sloobludop, and there’s not really any downtime. And then the demon lords break free, Demogorgon shows up and starts inflicting madness on everyone, and off you go running from the big bads once more. Eventually your party eludes the drow and demons chasing them and returns to the surface world, where it seems like the campaign should come to a natural end, but after a few months, Bruenor Battlehammer tasks everyone to return to the horrors of the Underdark to take care of the demonic invasion. 

In other words, Out of the Abyss is one of those D&D campaigns that railroads the players while pretending not to. You’ve gotta run through the Underdark at the speed of light without much time to smell the subterranean mushrooms, and later you gotta go back in. The second half of the campaign is, in fact, a series of fetch quests that the players are once again forced into to arrange a spell that gets the demon lords to fight against each other until there’s only one standing, and the final one will always inevitably be Demogorgon, at least if you’re running this adventure as written. 

There’s nothing technically wrong with all of this, since half of D&D 5e’s official modules are railroads that try very hard to convince you otherwise. But Out of the Abyss is specifically a railroad that leans very hard on the travel rules of the game, and frankly...it’s no secret that the travel mechanics in 5e aren’t great. Almost every game that I’ve been in (including the ones that I’ve run) either ignored or hacked 5e’s methods of tracking water/food, making survival checks and looking up setbacks on random encounter tables because generally speaking, that stuff’s the least fun bit of D&D. (If you want a good travel hack for 5e, look up Adventures in Middle-Earth.) Out of the Abyss, unfortunately, really wants you to use these rules for much of the campaign to emphasize the fact that characters are on the run in a bizarre underworld realm. 

You’d think that a ranger in the party, especially a ranger specialized in traversing the Underdark, might fix these issues. And this leads me to the other qualm I had with my Out of the Abyss game...I played just such a character, a Gloom Stalker (later re-rolled him into a Deep Stalker via the revised ranger rules) whose favorite enemy was fiends, no less, and despite all of his abilities designed for hiding in the dark, finding more food when foraging and hunting down demons...none of this really made things better. Two years ago, I didn’t buy into all those claims floating around the internet that rangers in fifth edition are a poorly designed class, but whoo boy, I do now. They depend just so heavily on very specialized tracking abilities that a DM has to emphasize over the course of a game in order to make you feel as if your character is special and contributing, and once our DM became aware of my skillset, he would generally just be like, “thanks to your ranger friend, you safely make it to the next area quickly.” Which sounds empowering in theory (and did remove a lot of the boring bookkeeping) but in reality, I couldn’t help but feel like my character was sort of a patch to fix a segment of the game that was naturally dull. And that’s not even getting into the fact that rangers in combat aren’t as great as fighters, nor as versatile as any other spellcasting class. 

So why’d I stick with the campaign for nearly two years, then? Well, I think it took a while for these feelings to solidify in my head, and once they were there, we were already pretty deep into the Underdark and I wanted to see how events played out. Also, though I haven’t touched upon them much in this post, there were some real highs during our adventure, like the time we befriended a gelatinous cube, stuck rope ladders in him and used him as a floatation device to escape a flooding torture chamber. Then there were all the quirky NPC friends that ended up dying over the course of our Underdark romp to the point where it became a running joke. (”What NPCs shall we murder today?!”) The only issue was that the slog began outweighing those highs for me, especially once the campaign moved online due to COVID and we lost some of the dynamism and magic that comes from playing D&D in-person.

Honestly, I also resisted these feelings for a while, because I figured that lots of folks struggle to find a long-running D&D game to participate in. Part of me felt like I needed to enjoy this one and make the most of my experience. But for a variety of reasons, it ended up being a 3 out of 5 campaign; or perhaps 3.5 at times. And you know, we should normalize talking about this, because if you look at tabletop RPG message boards and Discords, you’ll see a lot of people chatting about amazing campaigns or god-awful campaigns. What folks don’t talk too much about is a phenomena that is probably more common than the two opposing ends of that spectrum - and I’m referring to the decent campaign. The one where the story has some alright twists and turns, but not everything is to your liking, or maybe the group and DM doesn’t gel with you 100% of the time. The one where you kinda don’t realize this until you’re a few weeks in, and then choose to endure hoping that you’ll hit another high point, or because you feel attached to your character. The one where you complete, feel glad that you had the experience, but then look back on with fairly critical eyes, as I’m doing now.

After finishing Out of the Abyss, I’ve had to gently bow out from the group that I played with, partially due to the fact that my schedule has become way too packed in recent months and also because I didn’t feel like continuing into higher level content. (We ended at level 15, which is more than enough, since high level 5e is generally too bonkers for me.) I certainly appreciate the journey my ranger went through, but now I’m also ready for him to retire in peace. Not every D&D campaign goes on forever, and sometimes you realize after a period of lengthy playing that maybe you’re just having an okay time...and that it’s also okay to feel that way. 

[jessica-harrison]

Skills

Cover photo: https://www.ipr.edu/blogs/audio-production/what-can-i-do-with-an-audio-production-degree/

As mentioned in the 'Industry Research' section of this blog, it isn't just the technical skills future employers will want to see. They want to see how your passion and art is fuelled also!! Sound design is more than just a series of sticking sounds together in a DAW. It's all about creating the other half of the story!

Core values & necessary skills

In my blog's branding section, I spoke about core values and those I deem to be top of my list. Core values make us who we are. It's what drives ambition and our creative thought process.

Accountability is high on my list of values/skills. Being accountable for the amount and quality of work we do is crucial. Often we dismiss our failures because we won't hold ourselves responsible. Though, at the other end of the spectrum, we more often than not, sing our praises. So holding yourself accountable as an individual or team unit, is just as crucial during the failures as it is during the success.

Whilst, teamwork is a very cliché term used with regards to employability, it remains a massive part of my core skill set. Being surrounded by team members is an excellent way to find a creative place in a project. I can then take those ideas and present for peer review. Having people to work with not only makes producing a big project easier. Still, it gives me a tremendous sense of satisfaction that like-minded creatives have come together to create something incredible.

Passion is a big part of what drives me. Music and composing is such a wonderful expression of artistry for me. Not just the music side of things, but I then took my love for music (and audio in general) regarding sound design. I began exploring the more intricate realms of audio. Each day my passions grow, but I NEVER wonder why I love what I do, not even on my worst days.

Respect is a skill I'm continually re-evaluating. I think it is undeniably essential to respect other people and their creative differences.

Continuous improvement is about always finding new and exciting ways to work. Technology changes exceptionally fast these days, and in audio production, the skillsets also have to change. Keeping up to date on industry techniques, skills, and methods will ensure I stay relevant to the expected work output. There are some general skills required to be a sound designer composer within the creative industries. However, some more specific skills are necessary if specialising in TV & film or games.

Basic skills: 

Creating, maintaining and backing of own original sound libraries.

Digital signal processing

Producing sound maps/ storyboards from scripts.

Mixing inside Digital Audio Workstations

Work along with side other members of the audio post-production team

Sector-specific skills

TV/Film and Game skills:

Compose and engineer music

improving sound quality

Spot, arrange and edit audio into video, or other mediums.

Use visual logic systems such as Max MSP.

Use of game implementation systems, i.e. Unity, Unreal, Fmod and Wwise.

Layering sounds to have a desired/or specific effect.

I have begun creating and collating my sound libraries last year. At first, I had incredibly long titles for samples and one-shots but started finding it hard to achieve all of the sounds (both RAW and edited). That was until I came across the word 'metadata'. Having a logical and easily navigable database of sounds is crucial to making my workflow more efficiently. I'm starting my journey into audio metadata with a free app called Soundly. Soundly offers a free-plan with up to 2500 local file storage and access to free cloud-based sound effects. To start, this will be ideal, but I would like to look at other plans that will include Cloud storage backup in the future. Currently I backup all of my libraries onto an 8TB desktop drive, another external HDD and my google drive. 

What is digital sound processing or DSP, you may ask? Digital sound processing is where audio converts from analogue to digital signal. A series of mathematical calculations are then applied before the signal returns to analogue before final output. As a producer/composer/sound designer, I use various plugins to manipulate the sounds inside my Digital Audio Workstation (DAW). Plugins come in many forms. VST is the most common form of an audio plugin and is Microsoft's Virtual Studio Technology. Avid uses its plugin file system called AAX (Avid Audio Extension), and Apple uses its own AU system (Audio Unit).

Below is a small list of plugins that I utilise during my time working on projects in the studio:

Fabfilter Pro-Q 3

Waves H delay

iZotope RX8 - Music Rebalance

Facebook 360 Spatial Workstation AAX plugin (Pro Tools)

I use Logic Pro X as my music production/composition DAW of choice. I believe this offers a great deal of flexibility to music composers alike. 

In contrast, I use Pro Tools as my post-production tool. Here, I produce final mixes of songs before proceeding onto the mastering process, which I also use Pro Tools. Pro Tools is also my DAW of choice for sound design work, purely because of its sheer power in dealing with raw audio.

During a mix-down phase of a musical composition, you should hear each instrument with clarity. Musical instruments all operate at different frequencies within the frequency spectrum. By respecting the base frequencies at which a particular instrument's audio outputs, I can make the final asset as audibly clear as possible, for maximum viewing pleasure. 

When working on sound design projects, I will often improve the sound of my source audio captured when out in the field inside iZotope RX8. Here I will remove clicks, hissing, background hum, de-verb, and even isolate parts of dialogue to ensure that audio is optimal for project usage.

I do love writing music and producing sound effects! I like to create work for TV & film, animations, interactive media, audiobooks and more. I import video assets into my DAW (Logic Pro X or Pro Tools depending on projects final output). 

This way, I have a visual in front of me from which to work. You can then lock the audio event in position with the video using SMTPE time code. This way, it keeps my music and sound effects in the exact place they need to be, without fear of being moved or adjusted in any way. Just don't forget to lock the positions!!

Max MSP is a powerful visual logic system for generating sound design and producing electronic music. I am new to this software and am learning new and exciting ways to integrate MAX MSP into my DAW workflow. I decided to explore the unique and intricate methods of composing music and designing sound for various media forms.

Examples of work

The best way to showcase both technical and artistic skill is quite obviously through social media platforms. Instagram has become a staple platform where businesses and creatives promote themselves and their craft. There are other platforms such as YouTube, SoundCloud, Twitter, Facebook (and don't forget LinkedIn!) to name but a few. With all of these beautiful places to promote me and work, I must consider the type of content I post to maintain maximum engagement with audiences and potential employers.

After many years of making and producing music at home, my interest in exploring the world of all thing's audio continued to grow. I purchased myself a simple, cheap portable recorder, some dirt-cheap microphones, and just went out and explored the world around me. At first, I made some novice mistakes in just aimlessly pointing and pressing the record button. Still, I soon learned that I merely heard things playback after recording. I never stopped to listen before I hit that big red button!

Slowly I got better (still, a long way to go), but most importantly I absolutely loved the process, and still am! I took great inspiration from reading the sound Effects Bible by Ric Viers (https://www.ricviers.com/sound-effects-bible) and Field Recording from Research To Wrap by Paul Virostek (https://www.creativefieldrecording.com/downloads/field-recording-from-research-to-wrap/). Both explain in great detail about how to get set up, get a recording and start collating my sound libraries.

With that said here's one of my first sound design projects. By this time, I had upgraded my audio recorder and had a few new microphone additions. Jez Riley French's D-Series Hydrophone, C – Series Contact mic, and his electromagnetic coil mic. Again, it was a learning curve starting with these new bits of kit, but I am genuinely pleased with how much this project turned out.

Without further ado, I present to you a lovely piece of animation by Polynoid, titled Mem. I create a gorgeous stereo cacophony of delicate sounds with Sci-Fi and electronic elements that lend itself well to the animation's energy.

ENJOY (with headphones is best!))

[taexual]

HOLIC - 21 | jb x reader

pairing: Im Jaebum x Reader

genre: enemies to lovers au | roommate au

warnings: angst + strong language

words: 4k

disclaimer: i do not own the gif, please let me know if it belongs to you, so i can give proper credit

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You woke up the next morning, knowing very well that the apartment was empty without having to get out of bed to check. Everything just felt different when Jaebum wasn’t here with you; emptier, even, somehow. Even if the two of you haven’t gone to sleep fighting, you still felt lonely in the apartment without him but in today’s case, your confusing exchange last night certainly made everything feel worse.

Forcing yourself out of bed – because you craved water after all the drinking last night – you checked the time on your phone and were surprised to see that it was well after ten in the morning. Since it was Sunday today, you didn’t put it past Jaebum to go out jogging early in the morning, but he should have been back by now.

Not wanting to think that he was avoiding you again – maybe staying out with his friends was starting to become like second nature to him and he was this close to actually moving out of this apartment – you focused on preparing your breakfast instead. However, you didn’t have any plans today and you could only stay focused on corn flakes for so long before you got distracted by the most useless stuff – this time, it was a new notification on your phone.

It was just a tweet that one of your favorite artists had just posted, but your heart rate already picked up. You couldn’t lie to yourself; you were absolutely hoping it was going to be a text from Jaebum but, of course, it was something else. You should have known how unlikely it was for him to text you right now.

Ever since you went out to see Jiho and ended up at Mark’s bar, Jaebum had been acting weird. Starting with his random burst of anger when you mentioned hanging out with Mark, and ending with his seemingly pointless statement about how you and Mark were “friends” last night, you were more confused than ever.

Kiera’s words from last night replayed in your head – she thought that Jaebum might have been acting weird around you because he was uncomfortable with you knowing so much about him—and his friends—and perhaps she was right – but, even though Kiera’s observations made sense 95% of the time, you had a feeling that Jaebum fell into the remaining 5% category.

You couldn’t figure him out and you were living with him – and sometimes it seemed as though Jaebum couldn’t figure his feelings out himself – so there was virtually no chance of Kiera knowing better. Then again, perhaps you’d been blinded by your constant arguments and your—as much as you hated to admit it—budding feelings for him, so you couldn’t see the situation clearly. Not to mention, you’d already come up with so many theories of why he was the way he was, it was starting to become difficult to find the real him -- the Jaebum that you were perhaps yet to fully meet.

And while it always upset you to realize that even after seeing him every day since you moved in together, you still barely knew the real him, what was truly annoying about this situation was that your job was, essentially, to capture people’s emotions. To understand them. You were a photographer – well, you wanted to be one but, clearly, it was taking some time since you haven’t been able to find the time to photograph anything lately – and you always thought you were somewhat good at reading people’s faces. And you failed profoundly when it came to recognizing what Jaebum was feeling.

It was hurtful and unfair that you had to try to hard so figure Jaebum out – while your emotions always showed on your face as clear as day – but perhaps you—and the hidden masochist inside of you—enjoyed the continuous pain he caused you by being cryptic and refusing to talk to you. Maybe just like Jaebum, who – at least, according to Suji; although God knew how much you could have trusted her words – was attracted to people who could “put him in his place” or he was going to get bored, you were also attracted—and intrigued—by the mystery surrounding your roommate.

At the end of the day, it was clear that Jaebum never let people in and you basically forced your way into his life with a damn sledgehammer. Perhaps you’d really left him no choice but to open up to you and now he was slowly distancing himself from you because he wasn’t actually ready for you to enter his life like that.

The saddest thing was, you weren’t sure if he’d ever be ready for you and you absolutely weren’t sure if falling into the mystery that was Jaebum wasn’t going to kill you.

And there went your corn flakes. You could never focus on anything else; Jaebum always lingered in your mind.

Since you assumed Jaebum was with Jackson again – therefore, it was very likely that he was recording his music – you figured you could use this alone time to catch up on your own photography that you’ve neglected because you were too busy dealing with Suji. And Jiho. And, honestly, everyone.

Because you haven’t taken any new pictures recently – for shame; you couldn’t remember the last time you’ve gone this long without photographing anything – you were stuck digging out old ones, especially the ones you’ve chosen to ignore for the time being as you weren’t able to fix the coloring in a way that you would have liked.

Having nothing better to do, you arranged yourself – and your laptop – into a comfortable position on your bed – anticipating the inevitable back pain – and then turned Photoshop on. To ensure that, this time, the thoughts about your roommate did not interrupt your semi-productive mood, you put your headphones on and started a playlist of old favorites to distract yourself from anything that was going on in your life at the moment, and to take your mind back in time instead.

The music seemed to work like a spell and you found yourself humming along as you toyed with your pictures, slowly drifting away from reality and allowing your unconscious mind to do most of the editing for you – this used to be your favorite state when you were in university; just dissociating until real-life problems called for you again.

You never liked to listen to music on full volume because you never owned headphones that wouldn’t make loud songs sound like the screeching of a pregnant cat, but today you needed to tune out the sound of your thoughts, so you were listening to music louder than usually. And that is precisely why you didn’t hear the door of the apartment close and the door of your bedroom open.

Since you weren’t expecting Jaebum to come home while you were still awake – you knew of his tendency to avoid his problems, he’s shown it to you quite a few times before – you were absolutely horrified to see him standing by your bed, watching the screen of your laptop.

Squealing in surprise, you nearly tossed your laptop at him as you threw your headphones off.

“Jesus Christ, would you knock?!” you yelled, trying to calm yourself down while Jaebum snickered – what an unexpected sound – and sat down on your bed, nodding his head in the direction of your abandoned computer.

“Did you take those?” he asked, obviously meaning the pictures you’d been editing.

You were still recovering from the shock of seeing him home but now you were left wondering what had gotten into him – after days of cryptic responses to all of your questions, he was now striking up a proper conversation with you? That boy needed help.

“I did,” you told him, keeping a wary eye on him in case he burst out again. “Why?”

“They’re beautiful,” he said, repositioning your laptop so he could see better and then, even taking it as far as using your mouse to click on a specific picture – the one that showed the reflection of the city lights on the glass of a dark window. “I like this, where did you take it?”

“My old campus,” you said, leaning in closer to him to see the picture in question. “I used to take most of my pictures there before I ran out of spots to photograph and had to look elsewhere.”

“Hmm,” he hummed, clicking through other pictures – it didn’t upset you much even if he was doing this without your permission. “Oh, this one’s good. Really good. Could you send it to me? I’d love to have it on my phone.”

Surprised – no one’s asked you to send them a picture you’ve taken if it wasn’t a picture of them – you glanced at the screen of your laptop and were confused to see one of your much earlier pictures, taken almost immediately after you bought your newest camera that you’d been using for three years now.  The picture, actually, wasn’t anything special: it was a shot of your shadow—the only distinguishable shadow in the dark picture—surrounded by various darker, rectangular shadows—the buildings behind you—and a small puddle of water—reflecting the street light above—in the spot where your heart was supposed to be.

“You like it?” you asked somewhat awkwardly. Not only had he chosen a picture you took when you weren’t as confident in your photographing abilities, but it was also a picture that literally had a part of you in it.

“Yes,” Jaebum nodded. “Does it have a title?”

You pulled away from him before continuing. You never felt confident about the titles you gave your pictures – they all seemed to make no sense when you said them out loud – and you were even more insecure now that you were in the presence of someone who essentially lived on words, being a songwriter and all.

“Alive,” you ended up saying. “That’s the title I gave it when I took it in about three years ago. It sounds stupid now – why would a lonely puddle in the place of a heart symbolize someone’s life – but—”

“I think it’s beautiful,” he stopped you, zooming in on the picture. “I love the idea behind it and I think the title fits the mood of the picture, too. Will you send it to me?”

Swallowing, you decided that now was the time to confront him about what’s been going on with him these past few days.

“I will,” you promised. “If you answer one question.”

Jaebum wasn’t expecting this but he merely shrugged. “Sure. What is it?”

“What’s been going on?” you asked and, after noticing that confusion started to slowly descend upon his features, proceeded to explain, “I-I mean you’ve been really cold to me out of the blue, and I know you’re generally not a warm person — and we’re not best friends or anything – but this was, well, unusual. And I know you know what I mean because you almost told me what was wrong last night but then… you shut me out again.”

You looked away from him in the middle of your explanation, despising the neediness in your voice. If he was going to remark about how you shouldn’t have been “waiting up for him” like he’s written in his note before, you swore you were going to hurl the first heavy thing you found at him. Because you’d looked away, however, you did not see Jaebum look away from you as well – masking the guilt that flashed across his face once he heard you speak out about the way he’s treated you.

“Yeah, uh…” he started to speak and then cleared his throat, thinking of what to say next. “This obviously isn’t something I want to talk about.”

“Obviously,” you agreed, resisting the urge to roll your eyes.

“Right,” Jaebum took another long pause before finally saying, “I actually wanted to apologize about all of that. Mark – I sort of talked to him on the phone today, he’s a lot more level-headed than I am – let me know how big of an asshole I’ve been to you, so, yeah, uh… I’m sorry.”

You appreciated the apology – and made a mental note to thank Mark because, obviously, he must have found a way to subtly approach Jaebum about the issues you’ve mentioned at the bar last night – but before you could say anything, Jaebum continued.

“I don’t want to constantly complain about the same things,” he started to say and then cleared up, “not that there’s anything wrong with that, I just prefer not being a nuisance to other people—”

“You’re not a—okay, maybe you’re a little bit of a nuisance,” you said, earning a small smile from him that almost made you believe that his explanation was going to make sense and the two of you were going to move past this and return to another calm period of your lives, however short-lived it would be. “But it’s not like I’m much better. I’m fine with listening to you complain if that means you’re actually talking to me.”

After a quiet moment – God, did your words sound too much like a compliment? Should you have said something else to lower his ego? – Jaebum’s smile completely disappeared and you knew he was back to business. His serious expression unsettled you, somehow, and it felt as though you knew what he was going to talk about before he even opened his mouth. There was really only one thing that nearly ruined his life, after all – what else would he complain about continuously?

“I went through this thing with Suji,” Jaebum started, “she’d always tag along whenever I went out with my friends. She was all over them and most of them liked her because—well, you know why. She had something about her that fooled you and pulled you in. She always insisted on coming to see my friends with me, and before long, I was starting to suffocate with her everywhere. I had even asked her to stay home so I could have a guys’ night out once, and she still showed up at the club.”

You wanted to know more about his relationship with her but, at the same time, you were struggling to understand how Jaebum’s coldness to you related to his ex-girlfriend. However, after remembering everything he’s asked you – “how long have you been hanging out with Mark without me?” – you were slowly starting to see what his point was.

“Hold on for a moment,” you stopped him. “Are you—do you think I’m doing this, too? Do you think I’m trying to—I don’t know—corrupt your friends somehow, too? Steal them from you, even?”

“I—no,” he said and then sighed. “I don’t know. I just know that I’ve already been in a position where my friends had to pick sides before and I don’t want to go through that again. And, you know, I’ve already experienced someone take over my life for me. I know we talked about you dealing with Suji already but that still happened. And I-I get that our situation is different now, we moved on from that, and I moved on from Suji, but sometimes the lines blur for me.”

“The lines blur,” you repeated, your pulse quickening. “So, essentially what you’re saying is that, sometimes, you think I’m just like Suji?”

“No,” Jaebum was quick to realize how big was the pile of shit that he’s just stepped – or, flung himself – into, really. He closed his eyes for a moment, regretting opening his mouth as if staying quiet and shutting you out – as you’ve put it – would have worked out better. A minute later, he continued, “I’m just saying that I—maybe I get a little insecure about this sometimes. I talked to Mark about you today and he was the one who told me I was being unfair to you by expecting you to do the same things Suji’s done, so I realize it was wrong of me to—”

“—to compare me to your so-called psycho ex-girlfriend?” you finished for him. “Yeah, I’d say that was wrong.”

Every word he said only seemed to make this worse. Jaebum had absolutely no clue how to communicate with anyone without ruining everything, but he still tried – although he was slowly starting to forget why he even bothered.

“I’m not comparing you to her,” he said. “But you have to understand where I’m coming from. You know—better than anyone—about the kind of shit I had to experience with her, so, forgive me for being cautious so history wouldn’t repeat itself.”

“History wouldn’t—what the fuck, Jaebum?” you got up from the bed, no longer feeling comfortable sitting so close to him while he looked for parallels between you and his ex. “You didn’t know me for very long, sure, but didn’t I ever show you that I’m actually, you know, a completely different person from Suji? We’re both girls – and that’s as far as our common features go.”

“You’re—”

“I know I met up with her to get her to leave you alone, and I get that I shouldn’t have done that because it’s not my business – I’m not expecting your gratitude for that – but, shit, I didn’t do it to take over your life! I did it because I was looking out for you in whatever messed up way I could manage,” you continued, noticing how he covered his face with his hands, only getting more frustrated. “I understand your insecurities but, for fuck’s sake, have I not shown enough of my support to you? Have I not hyped your music up even though I’ve never even heard it? Have I not put up with your seemingly endless stream of one-night-stands? Did I ever lie to you about where I was and went out to hang out with your friends behind your back? Did—”

“No!” he cut you off, showing the first signs of anger, no matter how hard he’d tried to restrain himself. “You never did any of those things but how am I supposed to know you’ll never do them in the future?”

Both of your faces contorted painfully as soon as he said this – yours, because you suddenly knew just how little he trusted you; and his, because this was the exact opposite of what he should have said to you.

“Do you treat all of your friends like this?” you asked, crossing your arms over your chest when he got up from your bed as well. “Do you expect this kind of behavior from everyone? Do you immediately assume every new person you meet is going to take everything you’ve worked so hard on from you?”

“No, I—”

“Are you still waiting for me to fuck up, then?” you were shouting but it was nothing new – the two of you could never have a calm conversation – and you were sure your neighbors had already gotten used to it. “Did you tell me you forgave me for meeting up with Suji, when you actually didn’t?”

“No!” he said. “I did forgive you. I thought I did. I don’t care a-about that. I care about you.”

“You care about how similar to her I am.”

Jaebum groaned. “I care about how similar to her everyone is! And I’m not fucking waiting for you to fuck up.”

“Well, then what is it?” you questioned, your voice loud and piercing. “Why is it that you don’t assume every person you meet will ruin your life, and yet, you think I might?”

“I don’t think you—fuck, you’re important to me,” Jaebum shot back, equally as agitated. He was obviously struggling with his words. “I wouldn’t care about anything that you do if you weren’t. I’m just trying to make sure—”

“—I don’t turn out to be a psychotic bitch?” you guessed, the conclusion you’ve reached making him groan because it was mostly true – he was always making sure he didn’t end up meeting another version of Suji – but it sounded ugly when you put it like that.

“N-no, I just want to be sure I know the real you,” he said. “You can’t blame me for not trusting people easily after all of this.”

“I’m not blaming you for that,” you countered. “But why the fuck did you expect to get to know me better by not talking to me? You’re not even giving me a chance to show you that you can trust me because you distance yourself from me every time you start to have doubts about me. We don’t have mutual friends, Jaebum, we’re still virtually strangers – so who the fuck is going to clear these doubts for you if you won’t let me do it?”

“I… I don’t—”

“It sounds to me like you just want to escape me and you’ll take any chance you get to do just that,” you said, your heart slamming right into the sharp edge of your ribcage until you nearly doubled over in pain. It was true, you weren’t just paranoid. Jaebum was indeed trying to get out of the cage your close presence had put him in. “Every time I do something wrong – even if I don’t realize it – you disappear on me as if I’ve cursed your ancestors by making a mistake. I’m not perfect. If anything, I’m the furthest thing from it, but you have to let people make mistakes and believe that they won’t ruin your life, Jaebum. You have to let people apologize for them, too. And if you don’t think you’ll have it in yourself to forgive them, then tell them that and let go of them. Tell me to leave if I fucked up so bad that you think I’m exactly like Suji—”

“Did I say you were exactly like her?” he was frantic now as the fight progressed into something that no longer involved just the past couple of days, but also covered the entirety of your relationship with each other. “Or did I ever say I wanted you to leave? Fuck, I’m spending almost every moment of my free time at home just so I could spend more time with you — and I don’t fucking do that. I go out, okay? I like to have fun, I like to drink, and I like to be out when it’s dark – whatever. I don’t do that as much anymore.”

“Oh, well, thank you so much for making these sacrifices for me.”

The sarcasm in your voice made him want to punch the closest wall.

“Those are not—I can’t—you’re not fucking hearing me,” he stumbled around different arguments. “I’m telling you about all the shit I do for you – the shit I’d never done for anyone else before – just to prove that I don’t think you’re like Suji in any way.”

“Well, then why the silence?” you countered. “Why did you not talk to me about what you were feeling?”

“I didn’t know how to put it in words so it’d make sense,” he said. “Clearly, I still don’t understand any of this myself. A part of me might never be able to fully open up to anyone and, fuck, I sure as hell don’t want my past relationship to influence my decisions about my future but it does, okay? I am going to be paranoid and I can’t fucking help it.”

“Do you think that’s fair to others? To me?” you asked, shaking your head. “You’re not even giving me a chance.”

“I’m not—chance after chance is exactly what I’m giving you!” Jaebum protested. “And that’s why I’m scared. That’s exactly why I’m fucking terrified – because, suddenly, I don’t care about anything that you’re doing. I’m fine with all of it. I forgive you for everything and I open up to you about everything without sitting down to think if that’s the right thing to do. And then, the next second, I’m hating myself because, fuck, why am I even doubting this? I have every right to tell you shit about myself. I have every right to forgive you because, technically, you didn’t do anything wrong. But, then, how could I not doubt this? I’ve already been through something similar, I don’t want to go through that again. I’ve already experienced a period of my life where I forgave everything. Where I opened up about everything.”

“Alright,” you said, your lips forming a straight line. You knew the words he said had a different meaning – he wasn’t trying to hurt you – and yet each sentence that left his lips seemed to dig painfully into your chest. “You are making sure I’m not Suji 2.0. That’s fine.”

“That’s not fine,” he voiced the obvious. “And I get that it sounds bad but it’s—fuck, I’m being really fucking open with you here – I literally don’t know how to deal with myself. If I get the feeling like I’m about to get burned, I-I pull away because I’ve been there before. I can’t keep on trying to calm myself down and ignore the bad feelings in my stomach because I know those bad feelings can turn into a bad reality. That’s how I fucking deal with my problems – I leave. I can’t cling onto something that will potentially rip my heart out and force me to swallow it raw.”

You hated how deep the argument had gotten. You had not prepared to pour your entire soul into this and Jaebum hadn’t either – that’s why he looked almost nauseous – but there was no going back now.

“And you think I could do that to you?” you asked.

He looked down. “I don’t know.”

“Alright,” you said, your voice calm all of a sudden. You wanted this conversation to end now. “I appreciate you telling me this.”

Immediately understanding that you were done, Jaebum tried to find one last way to magically mend the scars on both of your throats after you’ve yelled at each other. “Fuck, I’m—”

“Look, maybe we should be alone for a while,” you cut him off, not wanting to hear him say anything else because you could only shout so much before tears finally showed up. “I don’t want to deal with this and, obviously, neither one of us can think clearly right now. Maybe we can just ignore this conversation like you’ve been trying to do before I brought it up.”

His hands were on his face again as he tried one last time, “I’m sorry.”

You swallowed thickly – the lump in your throat letting you know that you were either about to suffocate or cry, and you didn’t know which one you’d have preferred.

“Okay,” you said, turning away from him in case tears appeared in your eyes before he left. “Thank you. I’m sorry, too.”

Jaebum wasn’t sure what to do. He wasn’t sure where the two of you were standing – he’s revealed so much of himself to you in the past ten minutes and he knew he’s never been this honest about his feelings with anyone before – and he knew now wasn’t the time to ask.

If he could turn back the time, he’d change the sequence of his words to you – first, he’d tell you how much you mattered to him and how much he loved being with you, and only then would he mention how hard it was for him to be around you. How afraid he was to open his heart up – how much he resisted it, even – and how easily he allowed his feelings to defeat him, in the end.

He was getting more and more scared by the second because what if he ended up getting himself into something he could not get out of? What if he’d start something he’d never be able to end again? Even if these fears sounded irrational – even more so after he saw how wildly you tried to get him to see that you hated being compared to Suji – he still couldn’t escape them. And he was afraid he never would.

Jaebum didn’t wish to take his words back. He’d said all that he’d been dying to say to you for the past few days. He just wished the two of you lived in a world where the past could have been left in the past and all the words spoken in the present – and all the confessions hiding underneath those anguished tones and desperate eyes – were all that remained between you and him.

     chapter directory

[duncanwrites]

All the books I read in 2019, reviewed in 2 sentences or less.

The annual tradition returns! These are all the books I read in the last year, and how I felt about them in two sentences or less.

Blue Mars - Kim Stanley Robinson: This was the final book of the science fiction trilogy that exploded my brain at the end of 2018, and the after-shocks lasted well into 2019. These books capture something essential about the relationship between place and politics that you can only do with science fiction.

Bark - Lorrie Moore: A thoroughly uneven book of short stories - when they were good, they were great, when they were bad, they were bumbling takes on the domestic side of the war on terror.

Farewell to Arms - Ernest Hemingway: Maybe it's just my mood in the forsaken year of 2019, but I just have no tolerance any more for works of art that aestheticize the degradation of the human spirit. This book made me feel near constant disgust.

Mrs. Dalloway - Virginia Woolf: In contrast, I think you can create works of art that dignify people even in their darkest moments, and offer a bridge into the experience of others that can be a passage into becoming a better person. It's always nice to read a book for a second time and realize you can keep reading it again for years to come.

The Asshole Survival Guide - Robert I. Sutton: We all have assholes that we have to work with, and sometimes it's necessary to have some external validation that it's not all your fault, and that establishing distance between yourself and said assholes is a good idea.

My Invented Country - Isabelle Allende: It took me until the very end of this book to realize there was a different memoir by Allende that I meant to read instead. This one was not so great.

Catch-22 - Joseph Heller: Gonzo literary comfort food.

The Golem and the Jinni - Helene Wecker: I found this book charming enough, but it never totally wowed me at any particular point. I think it showed that the concept of two magical creatures from different cultural contexts meeting in turn of the century New York is an interesting thought experiment, but a struggle to land as a full narrative.

Kafka on the Shore - Haruki Murakami: Prior to this, the only Murakami I had read was What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, and it's safe to say that did not properly prepare me for the surreal darkness of Kafka on the Shore, which seems to never stop going deeper into the abyss.

God Save Texas - Lawrence Wright: There are very few books about modern Texas that don't try to valorize it, or douse it with excessive nostalgia, and this is one of them. A politically-astute, funny meander through the state as it is, not as it might have once been, or never was.

M Train - Patti Smith: Patti Smith is obviously a genius, but this one didn't leave a great mark on me. Worth revisiting some other time, I think, since it's my girlfriend's favorite book.

Working - Robert Caro: I am shamefully still putting off my years-old plan to read Robert Caro's LBJ series, and finish his book on Robert Moses. In the meantime, this is a thoughtful reflection on how and why to tell stories about power.

Feel Free - Zadie Smith: I love Zadie Smith, and if you haven't read her non-fiction essays, you are missing out on some of her most exciting and moving writing. This is her second collection of essays, and you can tell how much the decade since the first has taken its toll - so many more of the pieces are about fear and frustrations, and the language is much wearier, even while it is still penetrating and beautiful.

The Telling - Ursula K. Le Guin: A slim, late novel from one of the best to ever do it, this book projects the sense of engrossing calm that reminds me most of all of listening to a story well-told - not incidentally, an experience that is a key theme of the plot itself.

Stories of Your Life and Others - Ted Chiang: On the other hand, the short stories in this book all came off as one note thought experiments that failed to build compelling worlds.

The Overstory - Richard Powers: Not just my favorite book of the year, but also one of my favorite ever, The Overstory is the book I talked the most about, and told the most people to read in 2019. The best way to explain it ('it's a book about people who become obsessed with trees') really undersells things, because it's also about forest ecology, generations of trauma, the terror and clarity of radical thought, and a soul-splitting vision of hope. It receives the coveted 3rd sentence in the review, because I just need to emphasize again that you should read this book.

The Flamethrowers - Rachel Kushner: Maybe it was the fate of any book that I read after The Overstory, but The Flamethrowers left me feeling cold. It wandered off into too many fanciful-seeming plot arcs that didn't develop all the characters to the depth they needed.

What is Populism? - Jan-Werner Müller: I re-read this book because I wanted to revisit his ideas about the strengths and weaknesses of populists ahead of the next election, and whether there is ever a version of populism suitable for the left agenda. I finished worried, and skeptical, respectively, on those two points.

The Great Derangement - Amitav Ghosh: I don't read many books about climate change - I find there are very few things that I really feel like need saying in the face of the obvious and overwhelming - but I'm glad I made time for this one, which focuses on both the global north-south dynamics of the issue, and the inability of storytelling to capture the problem in full. It's profoundly difficult to sum up in two sentences, but it's worth a full read.

There, There - Tommy Orange: I think this novel asks too much of characters that are too thin to hold what they are made to bear. Too busy at the same time as it's too ordered to be fully credible.

The Slynx - Tatyana Tolstaya: I somehow convinced myself that I had read this surreal post-apocalyptic novel set in Russia 100 years after nuclear winter, but not only had I not read it, I haven't read anything like it before. A wide-ranging nightmare about authority, literacy, and the power of fear, set in its own vernacular and kaleidoscopic distortions of our authoritarian world today.

The Iliad - Homer: I wanted to re-read The Iliad because I find the idea of a hero felled by a single, discrete flaw to be a fascinating allegory, not realizing that Achilles' fatal flaw is not his heel but his anger.

Ecology of a Cracker Childhood - Janisse Ray: There isn't much widely-read nature writing about the US South, and I think Janisse Ray's book dignifies and mourns the overlooked parts of the country that may not be wilderness but still contain bits of natural grace.

Sundiver and Startide Rising - David Brin: These two novels follow the same premise of humanity entering a universe of intelligent life as the only species to reach consciousness without patronage of, and servitude to, an elder species, and the power struggle that ensues. Sadly, the premise writes a check the execution can't cash, and while the first book, leaner and more focused, is solid, the second is over-long and distracted from what made the first fascinating.

Lonesome Dove - Larry McMurtry: It took a lifetime of seeing this book (a signed first edition, from an Austin bookstore that has left no digital trace) on my parents' shelf to finally read Lonesome Dove, and it was a fitting welcome back to Texas. McMurtry's characters are fully-grown from the beginning, made of both broad archetypes and fine detail, and the narrative gives them the journey they deserve.

The Goldfinch - Donna Tartt: There are very few novels that convey big ideas in balance with pot-boiler plotting, but this is one of them and my only regret is not reading it sooner. How dare anyone blight this novel with a terrible movie.

The Left Hand of Darkness - Ursula K. Le Guin: What makes this book special is not that it's speculative fiction about a world with unique gender arrangements; that's been done before by many other authors. What makes it special is that it investigates that world with tenderness towards its inhabitants, and an understanding of how gender weaves its way into institutions besides the family or the bedroom

Gun Island - Amitav Ghosh: I had high hopes for Gun Island, but felt it never quite rose above being a thought experiment carrying out his ideas from The Great Derangement.

The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P - Adelle Waldman: Your opinion of this book will probably hinge on how important you think it is to read books about writers in Brooklyn hanging out with other writers in Brooklyn. If you think that's still a useful world to explore, you will like that this book is merciless towards its characters, and startlingly accurate - but if you don't think that's important, you will be frustrated for the same reasons.

How to Get Filthy Rich in Rising Asia - Mohsin Hamid: A gloriously rich experimentation in genre and contemporary global politics - playful, infuriating, and heartwarming, really everything you could hope for from a short novel. This is the second book by Hamid that I've read, and I'm going to set out to read all of them as soon as I can.

[bookofjin]

History of the Rouran, Part 2

[From WS103. When I posted the previous part, I had missed that WS103 is one of scrolls that has been reconstructed from the Beishi and other sources. As received the accounts in WS103 and BS98 are near identical escept for some different naming convention and editing differences. I suppose though that much of the BS text must have come from the original WS version.]

When Buluzhen was established, he entrusted government affairs to Shuli. Earlier, Chiluohou of the Gaoche had rebelled against his chief leader, and guided Shelun to rout the various section groups. Shelun favoured him, and used him as a noble. Buluzhen and Shelun's son Sheba together came to Chiluohou's house, and debauched his lesser wife.

The wife told about Buluzhen. Chiluohou wished to raise up Datan as the ruler, and presented Datan with a golden horse bit as a pledge. Buluzhen heard about it. He returned home sent 8 000 cavalry to go and surround Chilouhou. Chilouhou burnt his precious treasures, cut his own throat and died. Buluzhen thereupon hid from [?] Datan. Datan sent out the army to seize Buluzhen and Sheba. He strangled and killed them, and then established himself.

Datan was the son of Shelun's uncle, the third of the brothers, Puhun. He had previously controlled a separate section, headquartered at the western border. He was able to obtain the multitudes' hearts, the people of state pushed him forward and supported him. His title was Mouhanheshenggai Kehan. The Wei say Arranging Victory.

When Helü, father and son, had arrived at Long, Feng Ba enfeoffed him as Marquis of Shanggu. Buluzhen heard about it. He returned home sent 8 000 cavalry to go and surround Chilouhou. He burnt his precious treasures, cut his own throat and died. Buluzhen thereupon hid from [?] Datan. Datan sent out the army to seize Buluzhen and Sheba. He strangled and killed them, and then established himself.

Datan was the son of Shelun's uncle, the third of the brothers, Puhun. He had previously controlled a separate section, headquartered at the western border. He was able to obtain the multitudes' hearts, the people of state pushed him forward and supported him. His title was Mouhanheshenggai Kehan. The Wei say Arranging Victory. When Helü, father and son, had arrived at Long, Feng Ba enfeoffed him as Marquis of Shanggu.

Datan led the multitudes moved south to violate the the frontier. Taizong personally chastised him. Datan was afraid, and then escaped and ran. Dispatched the Marquis of Shanyang, Xi Jin, and others to pursue him. There happened to be cold and snow. The officers and multitudes who froze to death or lost fingers were two or three out of ten.

When Taizon expired, and Shizu was enthroned [in 423 AD], Datan heard and was greatly joyful. In the 1st Year of Shiguang [424 AD], he therefore robbed Yunzhong. Shizu personally chastised him, after three days and two nights he arrived in Yunzhong. Datan's cavalry surrounded Shizu more than fifty-fold [?]. The cavalry pressured and the horse heads were next to each other like a wall. The officers and men were greatly scared. The colour of Shizu's face was similar to himself, the multitudes' feeling were therefore calmed.

Before this, Datan's younger brother Dana had disputed the state with Shelun. He was defeated and came in flight. Datan used Dana's son Yuzhijin as a section leader. The army soldiers shot Yuzhijin and killed him. Datan was afraid, and therefore turned back.

2nd Year [425 AD], Shizu greatly raised up to conquer him, and from east to west advanced side by side on five roads. The King of Pingyang, Zhangsun Han, and others was going towards the Black Desert, the Duke of Ruyin, Zhangsun Daosheng towards between the White and Black Deserts, the Chariot Drove towards the central road, the Duke of Dongping, E Qing, was next to the west, towards Li Park, the King of Xuancheng, Xi Jin, General An Yuan and others the western road towards Erhan Mountain.

The various armies arrived south of the desert, and rested the supply wagons. The light cavalry took fifteen days' provisions, and traversed the desert to chastise them. Datan's section groups were terrified and surprised, and ran north.

1st Year of Shenjia, 8th Month [26 August – 24 September 428 AD], Datan dispatched his son to command more than 10 000 cavalry to enter the frontier. They killed and plundered the border people, and then left. The adherent state of the Gaoche pursued, struck and routed them. [He?] turned back from Guangning to pursue them but did not catch up.

2nd Year, 4th Month [19 May – 17 June 429 AD], Shizu drilled troops in the southern suburbs, and was about to assault Datan. The nobles, ministers and great subjects all did not wish to travel. The soil technicians Zhang Yuan and Xu Bian used astronomy to censure and halt Shizu. Shizu followed Cui Hao's plan and moved. It happened that messengers from south of the Jiang returned, and claimed Liu Yilong wished to violate Henan. They spoke to the moving people, saying:

You urgently report to the ruler of Wei. Return our land of Henan, and [we] will immediately stop [our] troops. If not so, [you will] reach the end of our generals and soldiers' strength.

Shizu heard and greatly laughed. He told the nobles and ministers, saying:

The softshell turtle, young and immature, is aiding himself with no leisure. How is he able to do so? He has almost made [himself] able to come [?] Suppose we do not first wipe out the Ruanruan, [but] readily furthermore sit and wait for the bandits to arrive, belly and back will receive the enemy, this not the best plan. I will act and decide.

Hence the Chariot Drove to set out on the eastern road towards Hei Mountain. The King of Pingyang, Zhangsun Han followed the western road towards Da'e Mountain. They met together at the thieves' courtyard.

5th Month [18 June – 16 July], they stayed south of the Sandy Desert. They rested the supply wagons, went light to assault them, and arrived at Li River. Datan's multitudes ran west. His younger brother Pili had previously directed the eastern groups, he wanted to go to Datan, but came across Han's army. Han let loose the cavalry to strike him, and killed several hundred of his great men.

His younger brother Pili had previously directed the eastern groups, he wanted to go to Datan, but came across Han's army. Han let loose the cavalry to strike him, and killed several hundred of his great men. Datan heard about it and shook in terror, he commanded his relatives and partisans to burn down the huts and houses, and leave no trace of their flight west, so that there was no knowledge of where they had gone.

Hence the state's groups scattered in four directions, and ran away to hide in the mountains and valleys. The livestock and property were spread out in the wilderness, no person gathered or looked after. Shizu moved west along the Li River, and went beyond the Han general Dou Xian's old ramparts.

6th Month [17 July – 15 August], the Chariot Drove to stay at the Mianyuan River, 3 700 li distant from Pingcheng. Divided the army to seek out and chastise. To the east they reached the wide ocean, to the west they continued to Zhangye, to the north they crossed Yanran Mountain, from east to west more than 5 000 li, from south to nor 3 000 li. The various sections of the Gaoche killed Datan's kindred. From beginning to end [those who] returned in surrender were more than 300 000. They took prisoner and captured more than 1 000 000 captives and arms and horses [?].

8th Month [14 September – 13 October], Shizu heard the eastern section of the Gaoche had garrisoned Yini Slope, the people and livestock were a considerable multitude, more than 1 000 li distant from the official army. Thereupon he dispatched the Supervisor of the Left, An Yuan, and others to go and chastise them. When he reached Yini Slope, the various sections of the Gaoche who looked at the army and surrendered were several hundred thousand.

Datan's section groups weakened and declined, because of that he took ill and died. His son Wuti was established. His title was Chilian Kehan. The Wei say Godly and Sagely.

4th Year [431 AD], he dispatched envoys to court with presents. Before this, the northern borderland scouting cavalry had captured Wuti's southern division patrols, more than 20 people. Shizu bestowed on them clothes and dress, and dispatched them home. Wuti, high and low, felt the virtue, that was the reason for the court tribute from him. Shizu was very hospitable to his envoys and then dispatched them.

3rd Year of Yanhe, 2nd Month [24 February – 25 March 434 AD], used Wuti to wed the Princess of Xihai. Also dispatched envoys to accept Wuti's younger sister as a Lady. Again advanced [her] to be Radiant Decorous of the Left. Wuti dispatched his older brother Tulugui and several hundred of his left and right to come to court, and present 2 000 horses. Shizu was greatly pleased, and distributed bestowal to great extent.

Arriving at the 2nd Year of Taiyan [436 AD], he then broke the peace and violated the frontier.

4th Year [438 AD], the Chariot Drove to favour Wuyuan, and thereupon campaigned against him. The King of Leping, Pi, and the Duke of Hedong, He Duoluo, supervised 15 generals to set out on the eastern road. The King of Yongchang, Jian, and the King of Yidu, Mu Shou, supervised 15 generals to set out on the western road. The Chariot Drove to set out on the central road.

Arriving at Junji Mountain, split the central road to then become two roads. The King of Chenliu, Chong followed the Great Marsh towards Zhuoye Mountain. The Chariot Drove following north of Junji towards Tian Mountain. To the west they climbed the White Mound, and carved a rock to record the acts. They did not see the Ruanruan and turned back. At the time there was great drought north of the desert, there was no water or grass, and many of the army horses died.

5th Year [439 AD], the Chariot Drove west to attack Juqu Mujian. The King of Yidu, Mu Shou, assisted Jingmu to stay and defend. The King of Changle, Xi Jing, and King Yao [?] of Jianning, Chong, with 20 000 people headquartered south of the desert, to thereby prepare against the Ruanruan. Wuti in the end violated the frontier. Shou habitually did not make preparations. The thieves reaches Qijie Mountain. The Capital District was greatly scared, and strove to flee inside the city.

The Minister of Works, Zhangsun Daosheng resisted them at Tutui Mountain. Of Wuti's robbers, he kept his elder brother Qiliegui with the various armies of the Northern Headquarters to defend each other [?]. Jing, Chong, and others routed Qiliegui to the north of Yin mountain, and captured him. Qiliegui sighed and said:

Juqu destroyed us.

They captured his senior uncle Tawuwuluhu and 500 of his generals and leaders, the cut off heads tallied more than 100 000. Wuti heard and escaped and ran. Daosheng pursued him, he arrived south of the desert and turned back.

4th Year of Zhenjun [443 AD], the Chariot Drove to favour south of the desert. They divided along four roads: The King of Changle, Fan, and the King of Jianning, Chong, each commanded 15 generals and set out on the eastern road. The King of Leping commanded 15 generals and set out on the western road. The Chariot Drove to set out on the central road. The King of Zhongshan, Chen, led 15 generals as the rear support of the central road. The Chariot Drove to arrive in the Luhun Valley, and was about to meet with the thieves. Wuti escaped and ran. They pursued to reach the Egen He, struck and routed him. The Chariot Drove to arrive at the Stone River and turned back.

5th Year [444 AD], again favoured south of the desert, wishing to assault Wuti. Wuti escaped far away, therefore turned back.

[midwinter-fox]

Learning

This is gonna be mostly backstory with some fluff. c: Sorry I haven’t posted in a while, but now I have three entire chapters to edit and post at once. 

First Chapter

Previous Chapter

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The rain outside started out as a faint drizzle, but before even half of an hour passed, the heavens opened and drenched the world with a heavy downpour. Howling wind blew through the herb garden and thunder rolled in the distance, but the world may as well have been empty to Dettlaff. Leonore was pressed tightly to him, her rosy scent filling his senses as he closed his eyes and simply took her in. Her hands and arms were doing all they could to soothe him and the pain in his heart even now, hours after he spilled his tragic tale and revealed to her everything in the deepest depths of his heart. The fear and apprehension had melted away, bringing calm and quiet in their wake. This was perfect, he mused briefly, but only because the storm's song served to further lull him into a sense of security in the small woman's arms.

He had no idea when he began to drift off, nor when they laid together on the bed, tea forgotten on the nightstand. It could've been days from then for all he knew, but for the first time in centuries, he knew a true peace. A low, rumbling purr from within him intermingled with the thunder outside, but he didn't wake until the flash of lightning shone through his heavy eyelids from his window. It was then that he woke and began to move, but a dainty hand gripped his shirt, pulling him out of his drowsy reverie. His eyes, though still filled with sleep, peered down at the human woman through heavy lids, and he could feel himself begin to smile.

She was not a graceful sleeper. There was a fairly damp spot on his shirt where her mouth pressed against his chest, no doubt from drool. Her snores were only barely audible beneath the thunder and rain, but he could hear them clearly. When he brushed his clawed fingers through her brunette locks, they tangled a bit, but he tenderly worked them apart while she slept, blissfully unaware of his silent appraisal.

Though he was awake now, he couldn't bring himself to rouse her from her slumber. It didn't feel right. Instead, he looked over to his nightstand and determined he was just barely close enough to open the drawer and slip his hand inside. He withdrew a sketchbook and a piece of charcoal, determined to capture this moment since he at the very least had both of his hands free. Carefully, so as not to wake her, he shifted so he could better use his hands to draw. How long they stayed like this, he had no clue, but he was able to finish several small pieces on a single page before she began to stir from sleep. His hands stilled as she hummed and stretched against him, her cushy body still pressed tightly to his lean one, but she eventually settled back against him with what could best be described as a happy sigh. Her eyelids were fluttering open, but now that she had stopped moving, his hands resumed. After her eyes finished opening and adjusting, she remained still and quiet, perfectly content to watch him as he drew.

The first few images were small studies of her face while she slept, the Nazairi rose still somehow tucked behind her ear though it looked a little worse for wear. At one point she traced her fingertip along the outlines of her expression on the page, and he paused to allow her to do so despite the charcoal smudging slightly when she accidentally touched it. When he resumed, it was to begin a small doodle, this time of the slightly misshapen rose in closer detail. Though his hand worked, his eyes weren't entirely focused on the sketches. He watched her watching him, taking note of all of the small features that warmed his heart. The kind eyes, round cheeks, circular face and the faintest freckles that dusted across her small nose. For a moment, he allowed himself to imagine a chubby, freckle-faced little girl with mousey brown hair and cute cheeks. She was cute now, but seeing such innocent, almost childlike features in her made him inwardly chuckle to himself. It came out as a lazy smile and push of air from his nostrils, but she recognized it as the faintest of laughs. Her head turned so she could rest her chin on his chest, those hazel eyes digging into his blue ones with an unmistakable fondness as she spoke, voice a bit rough from sleep.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing of importance, liefje. I simply imagine you were an adorable child."

He wouldn't know. It was just a fleeting thought through a sleep-adled mind, but the term of endearment was a slip of the tongue that she ignored, though her eyes turned up in a joyful smile.

"Oh yes, I was teased about having fat cheeks in my youth. My own family would often compare me to a chipmunk."

"Oh?" Now there was an amusing thought. The mirth in his gaze was clear, as was hers.

"Mhm. And I perfected quite the pitiful pout thanks to them. I use it to this day to get what I want."

"So you were a petulant youth."

"You've no idea. What about you? I can't really imagine you as a child, but I can only hope that your hair was just as curly."

"Hmhmm, moreso. It was a constant mess, impossible to tame."

The bright grin she shared with him made his heart flutter, even as he recounted memories from centuries passed. Mirrors never revealed to him their secrets, but he remembered days when he would have difficulty pushing his mop of black locks from his face with once tiny hands.

"You must've been tall even as a child."

"No. I was, though briefly, a runt."

"Impossible."

"It is true. My siblings dwarfed me."

"You've siblings? Are they as roguishly handsome as you?"

"Ehm.. Not in the same sense as you are thinking. I was raised amongst katakan."

The memory wasn't entirely fond, but it was what led to him having such innate influence over lesser vampires; in a sense, he was raised as one, his true parents lost to him in infancy. Despite this, he loved the family in which he was raised, dearly so. Where his brothers and sisters were to this day, he wasn't entirely sure, but he hoped beyond hope that they were well.

"I'm not familiar with what katakan are."

"They look to be large bats covered in soft, thick fur."

"Ah, was it akin to being raised by wolves?"

"No. They have the appearance of beasts, but they are capable of human thoughts and interactions. Some can even take on more human forms, though most prefer not to."

"I'd like to see some. They sound adorable."

For a moment, he paused to contemplate showing her the katakan of his pack, but he pushed the thought from his mind. It was too dangerous, he decided. No harm would befall her so long as he was with her, but it wasn't a risk he took lightly. Not a hair on her head would come to harm so long as he was alive and able to protect her.

"They can be frightening," he decided to tell her, hoping to deter her from being too curious. It was the truth, but in his mind, they were far from being mindless monsters that attacked without discrimination. "They are large and imposing. I would advise against encountering one alone."

"What if I'm with you..?"

He hummed in thought, allowing himself to entertain it fleetingly.

"It.. is possible. There are many in my pack, but I will not risk the potential for you coming into harm's way."

"Then tell me about them. I want to know everything."

That she would press him for details in an attempt to educate herself on his kind was heartwarming and meant more to him than she knew. As such, he would tell her everything she wanted to know. He recounted physical aspects of different varieties as well as details about individuals. There were many, but he cared deeply for all of them. Before long, he was giving her the names by which they called themselves, most in an ancient tongue known only to his ilk, and though there was much that he divulged, she nodded and listened intently. It was a topic on which he could speak for days, but he stopped after realizing he'd been talking nonstop for the better part of ten minutes.

"I apologize," he sighed after recalling a particularly fond memory - one that described the juveniles in his pack and how he took to playing and cavorting with them every chance he got. "I.. I did not mean to ramble for so long."

"Please, don't stop. I love hearing all about them. You speak of this pack like they're your own family."

That's because they were. There was nothing he wouldn't do for them, just as they would do the same for him. It was why he hated himself after the results of the attack on Beauclair. So many were killed because of him, and it was something for which he internally punished himself every chance he got. It would never happen again, and he took the greatest of care to ensure their happiness and that they thrived outside the influence of mortals. Right now, they kept to the Brokilon Forest. The dryads permitted them to keep to the woods so long as he himself stayed clear of their territory, but in return, he also took to deterring foolish travelers from venturing into the dense forest both to protect his kin and to gain the guardians' favor. It was a silent arrangement, but he assumed it was a favored one for the fact that he had yet to receive a well-aimed arrow through his head.

"I would like to hear more about you," Dettlaff responded, hoping to encourage her to talk more so he could allow his racing heart to settle. He always got worked up when on the topic of his kin, both in excitement and pride. For now though, he truly wanted to learn more about her. It was rare that he ever took a genuine interest in another, especially a human, though he was always content to politely listen regardless of the conversation. This woman, however, made him want to listen and absorb as much as he could about her. Her genuine interest in him and his kind was returned with equal enthusiasm, though it was tempered to look like a mild but kind intrigue.

"What would you like to know?"

"Hmm.." He had to think for a bit, but settled on starting from the beginning just as he had for her. "What of your family? Any siblings?"

"Ugh, yes. Two sisters from a different father, and who knows how many from a different mother. I had a broken home."

"Oh. I am sorry." Mentally, he berated himself for having brought up a sore subject for her, but how could he have known? A hand on his cheek brought him out of his own head, the gentle caress of her fingers reassuring him.

"Don't apologize. It wasn't horrible. I saw plenty of my sisters, but I have a Nilfgaardian brother somewhere out in the world that I've never met. I'll be the first to admit that my family was pretty awful, but I have some good memories of them at the very least. I don't really know what happened to most of them. Some of my sisters I simply stopped speaking with. My grandmother raised me mostly while my mother took to drugs and my father to drink, so I try to stay in touch with my grandmother, but my parents I couldn't care less about."

Though her memories weren't as fond, he still listened closely to each word, hanging on them so to speak.

"Have you spoken with her of late..?"

"Yes, but as she grows older, she's been getting a bit senile. She thinks the children of her village are out to get her, so she's become a cranky old crone, but she holds a sweet spot for her favorite granddaughter."

The cheeky grin she gave him made him chuckle. There was something subtly yet inherently mischievous in her that came forth at times. He was certain that though she was a young woman, she still held on to many childish qualities.

"Something tells me you were rambunctious as a youth," he commented and watched as she shrugged.

"Actually, I was pretty quiet. I didn't come out of my shell until I reached my sixteenth summer, and even then I was reserved. I'm only outgoing now because I.. Well, frankly, I got tired of being lonely."

"Lonely..?"

"Yeah.. I didn't have friends growing up. I was always a bit too odd for the other kids. Not even my own sisters wanted much to do with me, and most of the time the children my age avoided me."

"I have a hard time believing that." Of course, he didn't think she was lying to him, simply that she was such a joy to be around now that it was difficult to comprehend how she could have been otherwise.

"Believe it. I haven't always been this amazing." Leonore's brazen boast made him roll his eyes, but the grin on her face and bubbly giggle made it clear she was jesting.

"I will not disagree with your claims, though modesty is considered the color of virtue, liefje."

"Oh please, your fancy proverbs won't sway me. I know I'm fantastic." Again she laughed, and he found himself chuckling with her until she spoke again. "By the way, what is a 'liefje'? This is the second or third time you've said it."

A look of passing confusion crossed his expression before he realized that he really had been calling her that. It wasn't necessarily serious, but it wasn't originally intentional. Rather, it suited her in his mind, for she had become very dear to him.

"It.. hm, it has a number of equivalents in the common tongue."

"Is it Nazairi?"

"It is."

"Well, what does it mean?"

"Literally?"

"Sure."

He paused for a moment, then suddenly found himself a bit tongue-tied. If he was to be literal, he was calling her a lover, though it was simply a term of affection similar to how one called someone 'honey' or 'dear.' It was fairly intimate, he realized, and he had to tame the sudden burst of butterflies in his stomach. The effect she had on him continued to astound. He cleared his throat lightly before he elaborated.

"It is.. It means 'lover.'"

The soft confession made her smile.

"And here I thought you said you couldn't return my feelings."

"It is used in a similar sense to calling someone 'darling.' I.. I am very fond of you, Leonore. Your love for me is gratifying, but I do not wish to toy with your heart."

"What do you mean..?" Her smile faltered slightly, making his own heart wrench at the fraction of a change.

"It is a term of endearment. Nothing more."

Silence fell between them, and though she looked like she may be hurt, she schooled her expression and brought back a genuine smile.

"That's alright. I already told you that I won't hold it against you if you don't return my feelings," she admitted, though he had already seen the pain in her eyes no matter how minute it was. Dettlaff had become increasingly more receptive to every emotion in her stare. "Besides, I was teasing you anyway. I daresay I'll have to find a suitable pet name for you in return though."

Her attempt at being lighthearted brought him some relief.

"What would you call me?"

"A number of things, admittedly some of which are less than appropriate." When she gave him a wink, he furrowed his brows in confusion.

"Why is that?" Why would she call him something inappropriate when his own term of affection was fitting?

"Because I find myself irrevocably attracted to you, of course. But I can't go around calling you a stud in polite company, can I?"

Oh.

Oh.

Heat rose in the vampire's face, and he had to avert his gaze. She had effectively managed to leave him flustered, though a small, almost sheepish smile tugged at the corner of his mouth at her flattery. It was very rare that he ever felt like that, and while it was foreign to him, it wasn't entirely unpleasant. This was, however, the first time Leonore made her sexual attraction to him known, and he wasn't sure what to do with this knowledge. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't attracted to her too, though he wouldn't admit as much outright.

Sensing his unease, Leonore snorted and laughed before placing a light, platonic kiss to his cheek.

"You're adorable when you blush, you know that?"

Now she was teasing him, which only served to make him go even redder.

"I could say the same for you," he ground out through his embarrassment, though he was suddenly very aware of how they lounged together on his bed now. He laid on his back with his head and shoulders elevated by pillows, but she was still flush against him, her every curve pressed to his side. Her face was close to his, though for the majority of their conversation, she had rested her chin on his chest, looking at him when he spoke so as to give him her undivided attention. No doubt she could hear how his heart skipped a beat when she teased him so. Looking for an escape, he picked up the sketchbook that had gone forgotten, laid beside him in favor of paying attention to her when she talked. Now though, he wished to change the subject. It was a success, though barely.

"You know, that lady at the pawnshop was right when she said you're incredibly talented," noted Leonore when he opened the book to flip through the pages. He stopped at the one he'd most recently used, her charcoal face sleeping beside the margin.

"Thank you. I've spent years perfecting my art."

"It shows. Your drawings look like the works of a master."

Was she trying to tease him again? It almost seemed like it, but her words were genuine.

"It is the result of much practice and study." He was humble, though he did feel a swell of pride at her praise. When she sat up to better look at his sketches, he allowed her to take the book from his hands and flip through it herself. He sat up too and watched as she marveled at what he considered to be nothing more than messy doodles.

"These are amazing, Dettlaff. Have you ever painted anything like this?"

"I have."

"May I see??" She seemed suddenly very excited, but he shook his head, much to her dismay.

"I have none of my works. All of what I've painted were left in Beauclair or sold." He was reminded of a time when he allowed Rhena to convince him to accept commissions, though he only did so both because she suggested it and because the money it brought meant she had less need to put her life on the line as a mercenary and bandit. After she went missing, he hadn't picked up a palette since. Though the memory brought with it a fresh wave of pain, he dismissed it in favor of watching Leonore peruse his charcoal artwork.

"Do you have any paints with you at least?"

"No. After losing Rhena, I have abandoned the practice." The deep frown in response to his admission was concerning.

"Did you enjoy it?"

"I did, yes. It was a pleasant distraction."

"Well then you shouldn't let her memory ruin it for you. I for one would be absolutely ecstatic to see one of your paintings. I know you try to avoid anything associated with her at all costs, but it pains me to see such a wonderful hobby ruined for you like that."

"Ah, you misunderstand." It wasn't that he disliked painting now, he simply hadn't the inspiration any more. When Syanna died, so did his muse in a sense. "I simply lack inspiration and materials. The shops in town lack the appropriate supplies for me to continue the practice as well."

"Oh, okay. Well, I'll keep an eye out when I make my deliveries. If I see anything you could use, would you mind if I brought it to your attention?"

"Not at all." In reality, he probably wouldn't bother trying to purchase more materials. He had been particular when choosing his paints, sometimes even going so far as to make his own when there were none that were satisfactory for purchase. Still, her sentiment was nice, so he would humor her if it made her happy.

"Then I'll be sure to do so," she said with a smile up at him.

---

As Dettlaff and the mortal woman continued to converse, the storm proceeded to rage outside. It grew dark quickly, but he lit a lamp when it became too dark for her to see. Still, they continued to talk in the candlelight, but neither of them paid any mind to time nor the world around them. Eventually, Leonore yawned then looked outside his bedroom window at the rain that pelted the glass.

"You know, I should probably be heading home by now. I have more work to do tomorrow, and I fear I've only been keeping you up as well."

"Nonsense." His response was immediate, making her look at him with a cocked brow. "You will stay here until the storm passes. I cannot bear the thought of you braving the weather only to fall ill or find yourself hurt."

While his consideration for her was sweet, she didn't want to impose.

"I'll be alright, Dettlaff. My home isn't too far from here anyway, so I should be able to make it back quickly. I'll be wet, but otherwise I'll be fine."

"No." It was something by which he was going to stand firmly. There was no way he could let her leave when the weather was so foul. "Please, liefje. You may sleep here."

"Here?" she asked. "As in with you?"

"Is this an issue?" It wasn't unusual for him to share a sleeping space amongst his pack, and they often would huddle together for warmth on nights like these. It didn't occur to him that it could be misconstrued, even after she frowned at him.

"Are.. Are you certain..? I feel like that's a bit sudden, don't you?"

"Sleeping..?" The utter confusion in his eyes told her that she was horribly mistaken and he was far more naïve than she thought he would be, so after a moment she shook her head and fixed him with a smile.

"Never mind. I thought perhaps you had something else in mind."

"What else could I have meant?" He thought he'd made it very clear.

"Nothing. It's nothing, truly. If you'd like for me to sleep here with you, I suppose I won't decline. You don't seem like you'd be too keen on letting me leave anyway."

"No, I am not."

"So be it," she said with an air of finality. He was pleased she would see things his way. "Though, I don't suppose you and Regis would have a nightgown laying about..? I'd rather not sleep in the clothes I'll need to wear tomorrow, but I suppose I will if I have to."

"I apologize, but I do not think so." Still, he thought about it for a moment, and after looking her over briefly, he stood and went to a dresser that sat in the corner of his room.

The clothes inside were mostly dark colors or black, mainly because they simply suited him, and the lack of garish colors made it easier for him to remain unnoticed. He removed a shirt, one he wore fairly often, but it would do. It was long, as was his preference for he was a tall man, but on her it would probably fit like a dress. As such, he handed it to her and watched as she then stood and held it up to her short frame by the shoulders.

Comically enough, the bottom hem would reach her knees.

"Well, it'll work. Are you sure you won't mind?" she asked, giving him one last chance to change his mind.

"Not at all."

"Very well. I'm going to get dressed then."

They stood and stared at each other, neither one of them moving before Dettlaff realized she wanted for him to leave so she could have some privacy.

"Ah, right. I apologize." When he made for the door though, she stopped him.

"You don't have to actually leave, but uhm.. Could you at least turn around..?"

"Of course." With that, he did as she wished.

"You can change too if you like. I won't look."

She too turned her back to him then started to disrobe. In all honesty, he didn't care if she saw him undressing or not. He never really felt the need to hide his body save for around people he did not know. However, he didn't wish to make Leonore uncomfortable.

When he discarded his own clothing, he dug through his drawers to find the sole pair of undergarments he owned. They were a bit ill-fitting, loosely hanging from his hips despite being drawn by a tie in the front, but they would suffice. The only reason why he owned them was, in fact, for when he was forced to wash the rest of his clothes outside yet had nothing left to wear. As comfortable as he was with his body, he didn't care to show off everything to strangers whilst doing his laundry.

Inwardly, he was suddenly starting to become almost self-conscious. Under any other circumstances, he wouldn't be feeling this way, but he was almost completely nude in the presence of a woman whom he desired. Realistically, there was nothing for him to feel insecure about. He was toned, well-built from spending so much of his time hunting and being generally active. Wrestling with the larger of his kin made him strong, even for a vampire. His biceps were decently thick, though not ill-proportioned compared to the rest of his body. He almost prided himself on his fitness, though that came with being a leader of a horde of creatures - the majority of which made him look quite small. Even the garkains had trouble besting him in competitions of brute strength, though one wouldn't know it by looking at him. If he wanted to, he could lift a fully grown bear single-handedly with relative ease. 

Despite all of this, when he looked down at himself and the dark hair that covered his chest and trailed down his abdomen, his mind wondered if she would still find him as attractive now as when he still wore clothing. The only reasonable explanation for his pointless and outright ridiculous concern was solely for the fact that he wanted, more than anything, for her to desire him too, though he would never admit it to himself let alone aloud. Once finished inwardly kicking himself for such stupid insecurities, he waited patiently for Leonore to let him know when he was free to turn back around.

"Alright," she said after a few more moments of rustling fabric. "I do have to say though, you're thinner than you appear under that frock of yours."

He turned to see what she meant and almost had to immediately look away. It was very clear she was buxom, but he didn't realize just how much so when she wore loose and billowy skirts and blouses. While his shirt was indeed long on her, it hugged the curves of her plush hips, waist, and breasts. The top few buttons were undone to allow for more comfort, leaving little to the imagination. Regardless of this, she looked, without a doubt, wonderful. Something in him growled possessively, but he swallowed thickly to push down the growing need to lay waste to the offending garment.

Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea after all.

No, he reminded himself that the storm outside was too harsh to allow for her go home on her own, and now that she wore his clothing, he would be damned if she would wear anything else for the remainder of the night.

"Dettlaff..?" Her inquisitive voice shook him from his thoughts, and he found he'd been staring at her intensely. "Is it too much..?"

"No." It's perfect. "You look fine."

Why she cared about how she looked was beyond him. After all, they were going to bed - her appearance didn't matter. Satisfied with his answer, she turned to douse the candle on the nightstand. Her blue rose was laid delicately beside the now cold mugs of tea that they'd completely forgotten. He made a mental note to apologize to Regis later for wasting it. For now, he watched as she put out the light and crawled underneath his covers then followed suit. His heart was rejoicing at having her so close, especially with his shirt adorning her body. His linens would probably smell like her after the night too, which wouldn't be altogether unpleasant.

While he laid on his back, she laid on her side and curled up, her cold feet pressed to his warm leg and her back against him. It wouldn't do, not for him. The room was chilly, and he didn't want for her to be uncomfortable. When he turned to curl his body around hers, he waited to see if she would protest. On the contrary, she welcomed the gesture and pressed back against him in response. As such, he wrapped his arms around her and cuddled her close to his chest. It wasn't long before she fell asleep, leaving him to lay and revel in her soft body until sleep finally claimed him too.

[cardcaptorcoconut]

Sakura Fest 2018

Sorry it took so long to write this up!  I’m finally on a proper “weekend” break for the first time in nearly 2 months (thank god for comp days!) so this is my first chance to really sit down and write up the rundown of Sakura Fes 2018.  It’s been a few weeks since the event happened, but I typed up a bunch of notes that night to make sure I remembered as much as possible. :)

This post is really long and text heavy, so apologies in advance!  Also, please keep in mind for those of you who have not caught up to the halfway point in the anime that there are heavy spoilers for the first half of the season.

For the Japanese rundown of with some additional photos during the event, there is a link here with some.

[EDIT]  There were mispellings for Saori Hayami’s name. I’ve fixed it now.

This year’s Sakura Fes was held at Maihama Amphitheater, right next door to Tokyo Disneyland.  It’s so close by you can hear and see the park rides.  This was a much larger venue than last year’s event at Rune Kodaira Hall (total capacity in the large hall there is 1,229 people vs Maihama Amphitheater’s 2,170) and much more centralized in Tokyo.  As with last year, there were two performances - the afternoon one and the evening one.

Tickets for the event really blew me away this time around.  I didn’t win the lottery tickets early on, but waited for the general ones to go on sale.  The morning they did, tickets for BOTH events FULLY sold out within only 10 minutes!  I tried to get tickets for the afternoon event, but they disappeared just as I was buying them.  Luckily, I snatched up ones for the evening event this time (and am SUPER glad that I did!).

#1)  Before the Event

Even though I was going to the later one, a good friend of mine in Tokyo had lucked out and gotten herself a lottery ticket for the early show, so I met up with her before it started.  I loitered around outside with her until it was time for her session to start.

There were TONS of people waiting around for the goods for the evening show to go on sale, and apparently a lot of stuff had sold out quickly for the early show.

I waited where I thought we were supposed to line up for a bit, but then someone with a megaphone instructed that everyone for the evening session’s goods line needed to form a different line elsewhere - it was almost like a stampede getting to where we needed to go!  I managed to get sort of close to the front of the line somehow, but even so by the time I got into to buy goods, some stuff was already sold out!

Here are a few photos of the venue, goods, lobby, & how everything looked on the day:

List of goods on sale:

The line for entry wrapped around the building:

Kero-chan flower arrangement from Good Smile Company!:

Easter Display:

Fanmail boxes for Aya Hisakawa, Junko Iwao, and Sakura Tange:

After wandering around and taking as many pics as I could, I made my way inside (my seat was in the very, very back of G Block in the theater).

#2)  Event Intro & Cast Introductions

The stage itself looked like this from where I was sitting.  Take note of the location of the magic circle on stage:

Once everyone had settled in for the event itself, the lights dimmed and the stadium made an announcement about the rules (no photography, filming, etc, so unfortunately I don’t have any photos or videos for this reason aside from the ones above).

Then suddenly, from where Sakura’s Clear Card magic circle was shining on the stage, the floor sunk down and opened up leaving a huge hole where it was.  It rose back up seconds later with the life-sized Kero and Suppie mascots dressed up on it.  Suppie had on a pair of bunny rabbit ears on his head (Kero did not).  Behind them, they had a whiteboard about Easter (much like they do in the Kero-chan Explains It All segments at the end of every episode).

As always, Kero (voiced live by Aya Hisakawa) greeted everyone with "Konanachiwa!!”  After getting the audience to do it back, they dove into an explanation about Easter.  Unlike Halloween, Easter is not a commonly celebrated holiday in Japan even in the secular sense (Easter Bunny, egg hunts, etc), and the majority of Japanese people don’t know what it’s about.  Kero started by explaining that Easter is a Christian holiday and is about resurrection and coming back to life.  He started going deep into the religious origins of the holiday, but Suppie held up a sign saying “Don’t give such complicated explanations!!”

Kero gave up and said that if the religious meaning of the holiday is too complicated for everyone to understand, then there is a secular meaning too.  He said that the Clear Card Arc is the resurrection of the Cardcaptor Sakura anime, which is why they chose to hold the event as “Sakura and her Friends’ Happy Easter” this year.  He also explained that bunnies and eggs are a motif of the holiday and that’s why Suppie was wearing rabbit ears.  Kero said that it was time for the event to begin and they both waved as the big monitor above cued up.

The platform they were on descended below again as Maaya Sakamoto’s “Clear” and the opening visuals for Clear Card Arc started playing.  As the opening credits progressed, the platform rose back up and all of the CCS cast members participating in the event were on it this time:

Sakura Tange (Sakura Kinomoto)

Junko Iwao (Tomoyo Daidouji)

Aya Hisakawa (Kero)

Motoko Kumai (Syaoran Li)

Megumi Ogata (Yukito Tsukishiro / Yue)

Minori Suzuki (Akiho Shinomoto)

Natsuki Hanae (Yuna D. Kaito)

Everyone waved at the audience and as the theme ended and the platform stabilized, they walked back to the main stage area, but didn’t take their seats just yet. The emcee came out at this point and went through a brief introduction of each cast member.  They were in this order from left to right on the stage: Ogata-san, Kumai-san, Hisakawa-san, Tange-san, Iwao-san, Suzuki-san, Hanae-san. [Note: I can’t remember if Kumai-san and Hisakawa-san were sitting in this format, but if not they were switched seats - everyone else was for sure sitting like this.]

The emcee brought up that this year’s theme is Easter again and did another explanation of it for the audience.  She said again that it’s originally a Christian holiday, but that in Japanese it’s known as 復活祭 (”Resurrection Festival”) and they wanted to use it because CCS came back too.

At that point, everyone went to sit down in the chairs provided and the emcee gave each staff a chance to introduce themselves.  During Tange-san’s turn, she said when they were downstairs before the platform rose up earlier, the Kero-chan mascot was dancing to Clear and was a pro at it.  Apparently it was really cute and she really wished she could’ve recorded it (which reminded me of the Cherryblossom viewing chapter with The Record).  Hanae-san’s intro was the funniest to me - he said he had a yakiniku bento for lunch and was super energized for the evening show, lol!

This was where it became apparent that the evening show was the “fun one” of the two:  After the yakiniku bento comment, Hanae-san said よろしく (”I’m in your care”) to the audience in Kaito’s voice and made a point to sound “sexy.”  Everyone laughed but around the same time Suzuki-san was readjusting herself on her seat cushion and sort of absentmindedly said 気持ちいい (”That feels nice”).  As soon as she said that everyone in the audience started laughing super hard because it was so unexpected.  She immediately got flustered and apologized and said “No, no no! I meant the chair is really comfortable and soft!! That’s all...!!” and laughed with everyone.

#3)  Question Time

“How did you feel about Sakura and Syaoran’s reunion?”

As everyone was seated, the emcee opened up for question time.  It started off with the question asking how Tange-san and Kumai-san felt acting out the very first SyaoSaku scene of the new series - the cherryblossom reunion.  The question showed up on the monitor and then they played a clip of the scene (and said that the clip was only played at the evening show - slightly different from earlier).

Tange-san said she was shy about it from the very beginning when she had to record it.  Kumai-san mentioned that during the recording session, she was nothing but happy with how it was written and how they performed it.  However, having the scene itself played in front of SO MANY people that day was embarrassing.

The cast on a whole then examined Sakura and Syaoran’s dialogue in that scene.  The main part they looked at was when Sakura said she had so many things to tell Syaoran, and he reciprocated that he did too. They the looked at the following exchange in particular:

Sakura: 教えてね！全部！(”Tell me everything!” - The word 教える can be translated as either “Tell” or “Teach” meaning-wise) Syaoran:  ああ。(”Yeah.”)

Ogata-san out of NO WHERE, turns to Kumai-san and goes “So I’ve gotta ask, but... What do you mean by 'Yeah' in response to 'I will teach you everything'?  What is this 'EVERYTHING' you’re gunna teach her?”  The cast and audience lost it again laughing.

Kumai-san got shy and couldn’t answer fully, but goes "Well uh... yeah... you'll have to ask that to CLAMP..." and the cast reminded us again that because we we’re at the evening event they were being goofy and making suggestive jokes like this that they couldn’t at the more “family oriented” afternoon event.

“Tomoyo records lots of personal moments.”

The next scene they examined was where Tomoyo appeared in the SxS scene above recording their reunion, and then in their date episode just before they entered the aquarium (the “This is my best shot!” scene).

The question this time was directed at Iwao-san, asking if she thought that Tomoyo’s recording sessions were growing in scale and becoming more extensive.  She replied that “Yes, they are. It’s because (she sees) the love growing (between Sakura and Syaoran) and wants to capture it along with their happiest moments.”

I think it was Ogata-san who jumped back in saying something along the lines of “I wonder just HOW MUCH (of their love) you’ll get to record, heh heh heh...” and everyone lost it again.  I was kind of surprised at how much they were implying, haha!

“Have Kero and Touya finally acknowledged Syaoran?”

The next question was whether or not Kero and Touya finally recognize Syaoran as someone who is an ally and cares about Sakura.  They played clips of the scene where Kero and Tomoyo were skyping during the date episode, and during the “ruined date” scene where Syaoran retrieved the soggy bento and Touya looked at him and sighed.

Hisakawa-san said that before, Kero would always say things like “You wanna go, brat!?” and try to pick fights with him, but now whenever he says “brat” there’s some love and affection in it.  They went on to say that Touya has also started to recognize him a bit and that neither he nor Kero do as much as they used to in protecting Sakura anymore.  I read this as meaning it’s not that they don’t want to, but they realize that they have extra help in Syaoran now.

They said that Yukito, Yue, and Touya don’t do as much anymore, but Tange-san said that no matter what everyone helps "Sakura” and that makes her happy.  But the reason they don’t do as much now is because “Sakura” has grown up and is more adult.

Something interesting got brought up here with regards to the voice recording sessions - the scenes are recorded in A and B parts separately.  Meaning that some of the cast who are in scenes together will record their lines, but don’t know what happened with the other casts’ parts in previous or simultaneously occurring scenes.

Ogata-san said that sometimes when recording their B part, they say to each other “Jeez, what on earth did they do in the A part!?”.  It then got brought up that they are close to the end of recording for the anime and they sort of gave the impression they know how things will be finishing up.  It was not clear and they avoided mentioning if this “wrap up” was just for the “season” or if there would be any more series to follow.

“Have Syaoran’s techniques stopped working?”

The next clip was from Episode 12 where they caught the Hail card.  It was when Syaoran’s fire technique didn’t work and he had to use his other “secret” power to stop the card.

They asked Kumai-san what exactly it was that happened there, but she replied that it’s too much of a spoiler and that they’re not really sure themselves.  It seemed like maybe the cast DOES know and just can’t say it because of non-disclosure.

When she was asked, she simply said “I’m not sure if it’s okay for me to say... but I think we have like 3-4 episodes left to record?”  Tange-san jumped in signaling "Nooo!” with her arms and corrected Kumai-san saying that they had “several” episodes more to go at that point.

“Is Yue an “Agokui” Type?”

[顎クイ “Agokui”:  Suddenly lifting someone’s face by their chin in an aggressive, yet sometimes romantic fashion]

Ogata-san talked about how she has played many "cool type / handsome guy” characters in the past.  They then played the scene where Yue says to Sakura “Tell me anything that happens, even if it’s something small” and touches her chin.

She said that during this scene and others, she was just acting it out naturally and how she thought would be a normal back-and-forth between them.  However, some of the lines that would just come out without thinking were deemed as not appropriate by the directors.  She said that the way she acted the lines came out naturally because as a woman acting out a male role, she was just saying what seemed appropriate and not thinking of what “male feelings” might be like in this situation.

For example, at the end of one of the Facetime/Skype sessions with Sakura, she would say おやすみ (”Goodnight”) as Yue.  After about 2 or so times of this, the directors pulled her aside and commented that “It’s a little suggestive saying ‘goodnight’ like that to a middle schooler...”

As such, she had to tweak how she replied in that scene.  She went on to say that she talked about it with Tomokazu Seki (Touya) as well on how they needed to act in certain scenes.

Apparently even at the Sakura Fes event, the staff was instructed not to ad-lib dialog anymore.  Hisakawa-san had done it at last year’s event and they were warned not to do it as much this year, but overall ad-libbing was too much fun and it’s something the audience audience enjoyed, so it couldn’t be helped.

“Who are the new characters?”

The next topic up was the new characters: Akiho and Kaito.  The scenes they played were Akiho’s self-introduction at the school and her competing against Syaoran in badminton.  They also showed the scene where Sakura and Tomoyo come over to her house and meet Kaito for the first time.

Suzuki-san and Hanae-san talked about how it felt to record their lines.  Suzuki-san in particular said that during the badminton scene, Kumai-san helped her match up the timing by playing air badminton with her in the recording booth.

They also talked about how Hanae-san constantly keeps reassuring everyone Kaito’s not a suspicious guy.  He said everyone suspects him and that the cast had asked everyone at the afternoon event what their opinions were.  Everyone reacted that they think he’s definitely shady.

Suzuki-san said that even SHE thought that and when she was acting out Akiho’s lines, the directors told her she had too much doubt in her voice.  The instructed her to reassess and act her lines out in a more Akiho-like way - that she loves him and thinks he’s a really good person, even if Suzuki-san herself doesn’t think that.

Hanae-san chimed back in and emphatically goes “But I am a good person!!!” and tried to convince everyone again.

“The new Key, new Magic Spell, and new Wand...!?”

The last scene they put up on the monitors was Sakura releasing the new key into the sealing staff and using her new spell.  Cue a shameless plug for the new Takara Tomy Clear Card wand toy that has voice recordings from Tange-san.

The cast collectively was like “YES, TAKARA TOMY EVERYONE. OF COURSE” and I got the impression they were a bit sarcastic like they had to advertise it as part of their job, but were a little like “Yeah, we know this isn’t what you’re here for, lol.”

They brought out the wand and had Tange-san use it.  She asked the audience to say the “Release!” chant along with her and said if we did that maybe some magic would happen.  When we all said “Release!” together, the stage platform opened up again.  She asked us to help her seal the stage back up and everyone repeated the sealing chant together.  Upon shouting “Secure!”, the stage went back to normal.

After this, the emcee made the annoucement for the “Sakura Hoeeee” Mori Arts Center Gallery Exhibition in Roppongi Hills later this year in October.  They asked everyone to please look forward to the event.

Apparently, this is where the live stream ended for the afternoon event, though there was no live stream for the evening event.

#4)  Live Cast Voice Acting Performance

Now it was time for a live voice performance from the cast.  The emcee explained that the story would be how Sakura and her friends spend Easter Sunday (that very day).  What surprised me the most for this was that for the sake of the performance, all of the characters seemed to know each other and of each other’s existence.  This meant that Kero was interacting in scenes with Akiho and Kaito.

Sakura spoke first and was humming along while doing something in the kitchen.  Tomoyo chimed in asking what she was up to.  Sakura replied that she and Akiho were making eggs/omelettes because that’s what’s done on Easter. 

Akiho said she wasn’t good at cooking, but wanted to try her best.  On hearing this, Tomoyo said that she wanted to record them cooking and Sakura gave a loud “Hoeee..."

Sakura asked Akiho to go and get the eggs out of the fridge, but when Akiho opened it they were no where to be found.  Everyone panicked a little bit, but then Kero appeared.  He said “Well did you know that on Easter people like to hide eggs!  So all we need to do is go find them.”

Kaito said “Let’s go look" and Yukito agreed with him.  The whole group then traveled all over the world looking for the eggs!  They ended up in a strange place... EASTER ISLAND!

Syaoran remarked saying “What is this place?” when they saw the monoliths on the island, so Kaito jumped in explaining that these were the Moai of Easter Island.  Kero then explained that the Moai were mysterious carved figures shrouded in mystery.

But the group couldn’t find any eggs on the island, so they moved on.  The next place they appeared was somewhere they initially thought must be “far away” from Japan. They thought that it must be overseas, but then found it out it was the “Land of Dreams” - AKA Disneyland right next door!  They decided to split up and look for the eggs.  

Sakura and Syaoran were paired off and while looking around and each found a matching egg.  Their eggs’ image was shown on the monitor and were green with pink designs.  Together they made a pair.

Syaoran once again saw some helpless foreign tourists and whipped out his English skills again.  (Kumai-san has really mastered the “Do you need any help?” line lmao). He also said “The cat is in Disney Sea” in English.  Sakura went CRAZY about the English and was like “Syaoran-kun, what did you say!?” so Syaoran ad-libbed and said “Ahh… well if I do a direct translation… I said 'There’s a cat in the Land of Dreams” (which was a reference to Geratoni - a plush stuffed cat of Tokyo Disney’s Duffy & Friends collection.)

Sakura was impressed and begged him to teach her English again.  They had basically the same exchange as the date episode and he said “I'll try, but I don’t know if I can teach you anything useful...” to which she responded that she already remembered the word for “cat” so it was okay.  As always, Tomoyo suddenly popped out of nowhere recording them and they got embarrassed.

The scene switched to Kero and... Yue!  Yue was in full form and searching for eggs too!  He said he could search better in this form and was doing it to assist his mistress.  Kero remarked that “Well it's true that in Disneyland, people will just think you’re cosplaying someone, so I guess it’s fine.  But wait!  I should be in my true form too!  I will change now into my--”

Yue cuts him off saying “Don’t you dare! If you do, you'll draw too much attention and you'll get petted and hugged and kicked by all of the children here!!”  Kero was like “Ahh... oh man... you’re right... Maaan, but I would look so cool if I did!!”

The scene changed again, this time to Akiho and Kaito.  They were searching for eggs on their own and she thanked him for helping her.  Kaito said that he was “just happy that you seem to be having a good time with everyone.”  All of the sudden they both stopped and said “What on earth is that??”

Akiho and Kaito had discovered the BIG GIANT EGG...

While the cast had been performing, a larger than life egg shaped... thing(!!) had risen up out of the rising platform floor again.

Everyone approached the egg and were like “Whoa! You could make a HUGE omelette with this!”  However, the egg was so big that they couldn’t take it back home.  So Kero said "Well one thing that is done on Easter is egg decorating!  We should all decorate it...”

Then they temporarily stopped the voice acting session and the whole cast moved up to the egg.  It turns out that it was a giant egg shaped whiteboard.  Right next to it on the platform was a cart with lots of markers, cherryblossom petal shaped stickers, and decorative balled up tissue paper.  The emcee explained the cast were going to be given 3 minutes to decorate the egg and the started playing a little tune while we watched them bustle about.  But in the end they had so much fun that they went a bit over time!

One of them dropped their mic during the decorating session, but I couldn’t see who it was.  Everyone jumped though, haha.

Hisakawa-san and Tange-san drew two Suppie faces: One was regular Suppie, and one was “evil Suppie.”  They said that without knowing it, they had both drawn Kero at the afternoon session, so during the break between the two they decided to do Suppie for the evening session.

The cast drew a Momo, a random crab using cherryblossom petals for claws, happy faces, a cherryblossom tree, and a panda.  But the best part was that they also wrote a few inappropriate things!

Hanae-san wrote 真実の愛 (“True love”) and Suzuki-san wrote right beneath it 夜だから (“Because it’s night time”).  And - echoing what she’d said earlier about how saying “goodnight” was inappropriate - Ogata-san wrote おやすみ (“Goodnight”) in really big letters.

Regarding the panda, Hanae-san said he drew it because he was wearing a panda pin.  Everyone had asked him at lunch why he was wearing that and the reason was really cute.  He said he was confused about what Easter was and thought that it was a holiday where any animals would be appropriate, so he wore a panda instead of a rabbit.

After that, they all returned to the main stage to resume the voice acting performance.  A staff member wheeled the egg off and put it on the side of the stage.

Sakura and her friends were all happy as they finished decorating the egg.  I think Syaoran said “Where do you even display an egg this big?” but no one knew the answer.

Then Kero said part of the Easter tradition was that God would choose whichever designed egg was the best and grant the person who designed it a wish.  That wish would come true.  Everyone reacted saying “Oh wow, really???” (I was sitting there thinking thinking “wtf that doesn’t sound right...”), but then Yukito spoke up saying “I’ve never heard that.”  Kaito joined in saying the same thing.

Kero laughed nervously and said “Ahaha... I’ve been found out...” indicating he had made it all up.  Tomoyo said he was just like Yamazaki lying to them like that.  But in the end, they all had a nice time decorating the egg and doing the Easter egg hunt.

(I don’t fully remember how this came about, but) there was a part where Yukito said to Sakura that she was very adorable and she reacted by saying “Hanya--n!!” (I was hoping Syaoran would react somehow, but he didn’t so I guess he is very secure with their relationship now ♡).  They then said they should take a photo with the egg to commemorate the day.

There was a pause again in the session and the emcee announced that the cast would be taking a photo with the audience from the stage.  Since it was a huge amphitheater, they were taking 3 or so shots - left, center, and right side of the seating area.  They said that anyone who was shy and didn’t want to be in the photo could cover up their face.

Center stage was first, then the left side, then the right side.  After that, they finished up the voice acting portion of the night:

The scene changed back to the Kinomoto residence.  Everyone had gone home for the evening and it was just Sakura and Kero.

Sakura said there had been a lot of tough things that happened earlier, but that it had been a fun day.  She said “Oh, I even forgot we were supposed to make eggs today!”

Kero replied saying “What? You couldn’t find the eggs? But, I’d taken them out of the fridge earlier and I put them back...”

Sakura raised her voice and said “WHAT!?” and Kero replied “Yeah, they’re right here...” revealing that they’d been hidden in the fridge the whole time.

Sakura then ad-libbed in Kansai-ben and said ケロちゃん！！！なんでやねん！？！(“Kero-chan, what the hell!?”)

The cast finished up at that point and thanked everyone for watching.  Then they said “You gave us an Easter photo together with you, so we will give you a present also!”

Suddenly, tons of paper stickers/notes from the cast began falling from the ceiling!  I think they were egg shaped, but it was hard to tell because I was in the very back.  They fell into the audience and a few lucky people got them.  Some people rushed out of their seats to get the ones that had fallen into the aisles.

Some of the “gifts” fell onto the stage too, so Ogata-san and Tange-san helped pick them up and give them out to people in the audience.  Ogata-san was really awesome and shouted out “Are there any little Sakura-chans in here!?” and called for any kids present to come up and get the stickers.  One very happy little girl came running up and received one directly from Ogata-san.  After that, she asked if there was anyone present who had been at both the afternoon and evening performances (I think there might have been a couple people).

After handing the remaining gifts out, all of the seiyuu thanked the audience again and left the stage together.

#5)  Live Musical Performances

Maaya Sakamoto

Next, they introduced a special video message from Maaya Sakamoto on screen, who unfortunately couldn’t be at the event because it overlapped with her own international tour dates.  In the message, she said she was so happy to sing “Clear” as the theme song.

The show runners gave her the theme of “clear things” for her to use for direction when writing her song.  She explained that the word “clear” has multiple meanings: “transparent” or "definite and precise” or "to succeed with a goal”, so she wanted to write a song with all of these meanings rolled into one.

She let us know that she was so happy to be part of CCS again and although she wasn’t there, her colleague Saori Hayami was and would be joining us as the representative today.

Saori Hayami

The emcee came out with Hayami-san and said that as the second half of the season would be starting the next week, it was time to pass the baton over to the new OP and ED singers.

Hayami-san explained that everyone has little things that shine in their hearts and are like “Jewelry of the Heart.”  After her explanation, she gave a live performance of the “Jewelry” ED.

To be honest (and I hate to say this), but I didn’t think that Hayami-san was very energetic in her performance.  She seemed a little lacking in enthusiasm and just walked one circle around the stage, but as always the song itself was very nice.

While she performed, they played clips of the anime on the screen and showed the Jewelry ED clips as well.  At the very, very end, they FINALLY revealed what Sakura had seen on her smartphone at the end of the ED (where she’s showing Tomoyo and Kero and they all smile):  It was the “photo” they just took earlier that day on April 1st -- the official artwork for Sakura Fes this year.

The text message she had gotten read “Thank you for taking a photo with us!”

When the performance ended, the emcee came back out and thanked her.  She reiterated that they were “passing the baton from next week.”

Kiyono Yasuno

Kiyono Yasuno and Minori Suzuki came out on stage.  Suzuki-san had changed her clothes from earlier to red outfit and yellow shoes.  The emcee introduced each of them and they talked about CCS and what they liked about it.

Yasuno-san said she’s watched CCS for a really long time.  The very first time was when she was really young and her grandpa watched it with her.  To her, it was like a dream being chosen to sing the new OP and that this was her first single.

The emcee asked who they thought was “cool / good-looking” from the series.  Hayami-san said that she thought Yukito and Eriol were attractive.  Yasuno-san had watched the CCS syndication in elementary school too and was the same age as Sakura through it. Because of that, she thought Syaoran was the coolest guy.  Suzuki-san also thought the same.

Hayami-san then “passed the baton” and they left the stage to let Yasuno-san perform Rocket Beat.

It was my first time (and all of the audience’s too) to hear Rocket Beat and right away I thought it was an awesome song.  It really seemed fitting for CCS.  In addition, Yasuno-san was super energetic and gave a very spirited performance.  She was actively all over the stage.  As before, her performance was also synced up with scenes from recent anime episodes.

When she finished, Suzuki-san came back on stage and the figuratively “passed the baton” again.

Minori Suzuki

Suzuki-san is in charge of the new ED “Rewind” and also gave a really awesome performance.  The song was super cute and (as everyone knows by now) clock themed.

She did motions of the clock while performing, syncing up with the “Tick Tock, Tick Tock” lyrics.  More clips from the series played, but nothing new to that point.

#6)  Closing Out the Event

When Suzuki-san finished her song, the whole cast came back out on stage.  The staff then wheeled out a birthday cake again in front of Tange-san - just like last year.  Once again, the audience sang Happy Birthday to Sakura and Tange-san blew out the candles.

They talked about what birthday this would be for Sakura, and Tange-san confirmed that this would be Sakura’s 13th birthday.  She then said “These past 20 years – Ahhh!  I mean... it’s been 20 years but Sakura’s not 20!  She’s definitely 13!” and laughed.

They showed an image of the cake on screen and it was the one that was currently being sold by Animate.  They then said it was time to close out the event and the audience started groaning, so the emcee had to apologize for how “short” the event was.

Everyone said their goodbyes, starting with Yasuno-san.  She said it was a dream come true to sing the theme song for an anime she had loved so much as a child and that exactly one year ago on April 1st she had started her singing career.  She promoted her first single (a mini album came out just before this). 

Hayami-san said her Thank You’s next for everyone enjoying Jewelry.

Hanae-san was third, saying “I will do my best, and from here on it’s going to be Akiho Akiho Akiho taking center stage!”

In response, Suzuki-san said “I will do my best and so will Kaito-san! I’ve loved this anime so much!  Last year at this time, I was wondering ‘who is going to play Akiho’ and never thought that it would be me!!”  She said she feels so lucky to be both a seiyuu and the singer of the second ED for the series.

Ogata-san was next, but was caught off guard and sort of spaced out.  But she said thank you to everyone for all their support.  She said that at last year’s Sakura Fes, they found out really soon after it ended there would be another one this year.  So she shouted out to all of us “that means THERE SHOULD BE ANOTHER ONE NEXT YEAR RIGHT (EVENT SPONSORS)??”.  She said that even in this industry, it’s super rare for the whole cast to come back for a show’s reboot and that really demonstrates how beloved CCS is.

She passed the mic to Kumai-san - who was also spaced out and wasn’t paying attention again.  But she also said thank you to everyone.

Next was Iwao-san who said thank you and did a mini-voice over of Tomoyo saying 超絶によかったですわ！(“It was absolutely fantastic!”).

Hisakawa-san was next, and like Ogata-san, she said that last year she got a call about a week or so after Sakura Fes ended asking her to save the date for this one.  She said “I mean, after today, I’m sure that just a few days will pass and then I'm sure I'll get another call… Hahaha!  You guys want another one right!?” and everyone cheered.

Finally, it was Tange-san’s turn and she said they almost made it through the whole thing without a "Kero-chan Check.”  At last year’s event, they always seemed to come out of nowhere and no one ever knew when to expect it.  She begged Hisakawa-san to do one and Hisakawa-san laughed.  She got a bit shy and was like “For real???” but in the end shouted “KERO-CHAN CHEEECK!” as Kero. Tange-san then thanked everyone for their support and for loving Cardcaptor Sakura.  She hopes everyone will continue to love it in the future and bowed. 

The cast came out into the circle stage to say one final goodbye and then they waved and departed the stage from both sides of the main stage.  The emcee left last after deep bow.  The Jewelry ED came on the big screen and played through to the end.

After the song finished, the Kero and Suppie mascots once again rose out of the platform floor.  BOTH of them were wearing rabbit ears this time.  Kero-chan started to talk about how awesome it was that he grew another pair of ears too.

Suppie had a new card this time that read “Just say what you have to say!” so Kero started talking at super-sonic speed thanking the cast and staff in batches:

The singers

The companies that made it possible

The seiyuu

And said thanks to all of us for watching him be awesome every week

He said to tune in next week for the start of the second half of the season, and also to keep watching him be so awesome in the Kero-chan’s Corner segments.  Suppie violently shook the sign!! lol!

Then gave one last “thank you” to the audience and brought the event to a close, saying “We definitely kicked up even more of a fuss than ‘some place’ that’s right next door” (again, Tokyo Disney lol).

The platform lowered, bringing them back down underneath the stage, and just as they disappeared there was another final “Kero-chan cheeeeck!” shouted.  The lights went off and then came back on with the ending announcements.

As I was leaving, I made a friend who was a big fan of Suzuki-san from when she was in Macross and had only just recently started watching CCS because of her.  This fan had only seen Clear Card Arc so far, so I said to definitely watch the rest of the series!

I hope if there’s another Sakura Fes next year, I’ll have the chance to go again. :)

以上、さくらフェス2018の報告でした！(That’s all folks!)

[sinceileftyoublog]

Landlady Interview: Landlady’s Fourth, Best Album

Photo by Adam Schatz

BY JORDAN MAINZER

Adam Schatz loves music. It seems like a basic statement to make about a musician, especially one who has led his most successful band for 10 years and played on a wide variety of records for much longer. But on Landlady’s upcoming self-titled, self-released record, out next Friday, their fourth and first in four years, Schatz pays tribute to all the songs and albums and bands he’s loved over the years, in the car and on the radio, as a consumer and appreciator of art, even if they didn’t directly inspire his music. Better yet, he doesn’t directly refer to any titles specifically in his lyrics or instrumentation, save for an offhand mention of a beloved Beach Boys song. Instead, Landlady is a testament to being in a band, anchored by the skill of Schatz and the three other prolific players in the band, drummer Ian Chang (Son Lux), guitarist Will Graefe (Okkervil River), and bassist Ryan Dugre (Eleanor Friedberger). For four people who live their lives surrounded by other musicians, even in non-music contexts, the creativity clearly wears off.

The basis for Landlady was when the current incarnation of the band, the first time they were a four-piece, were touring in Europe in 2019, and Schatz found a period of five days where they could hammer out songs by day and, in the true spirit of Landlady, listen to records at night. Fast-forward to a week long recording session in upstate New York, and Schatz had what he needed to finish off the record, every decision made with the intent of capturing a live band. The harmony is remarkable; voice, piano, and guitar fill the contours of “The Meteor”. Schatz’s warbling singing emulates the nervous tremolo guitars of “Take The Hint”. The instrumental falls out in the perfect moment in the chorus of pop ditty “Rule of Thumb”. And vibraphone-laden closer “Bulldozer” eventually morphs into a time-signature-complex fast-paced boogie. If there was a lot of post-production on Landlady, you wouldn’t know it. It exudes the type of second-nature looseness you’d expect from a live recording session from a band that oozes musical knowledge, both theoretical and popular.

The COVID-19 pandemic and absence of touring has given Schatz to really reflect on what it means to be a professional musician, and in conjunction with the release of Landlady, he’s been writing various informative, humorous and creative pieces in a variety of publications about his interactions with the biz. For one, his monthly income right now is in the form of his Patreon, where for a couple bucks he’s offered deeper insight into Landlady songs, including those so far released on the upcoming record. He’s also published a satirical Talkhouse piece on how to write your own artist bio and wrote a piece about learning to play a complex Randy Newman song on piano over the course of lockdown. (Newman approved.) Most notably, in an essay associated with the album, Schatz non-linearly recalls almost his entire life as a music fan and touring musician, reflecting on life on the road and the deaths of two dear friends, The Teenage Prayers’ Terrence Adams and Jessi Zazu of Those Darlins. (At one point in the essay, Landlady, driving straight from Seattle to San Francisco in the rain, spun out on the road perfectly synced with the climax of Harvey Danger’s “Flagpole Sitta”; death almost became them.) And Schatz is also donating 5 dollars of every digital sale of Landlady to The Okra Project, an organization “that seeks to address the global crisis faced by Black Trans people.” In essence, Schatz treats his relationship with his fans, the music listening public, his band, and the world at large as a symbiotic one, thriving on a collaboration of not just financial morality but mutual empathy.

I spoke with Schatz over the phone from his new home in East Dover, Vermont last month about Landlady, the associated essay, playing on others’ records, and The Okra Project. Read our conversation below, edited for length and clarity.

Since I Left You: What do you think is unique about this record as compared to anything else you’ve released in the past?

Adam Schatz: It’s hard to say. Each one feels better to me when we’re done with it. Each feels tighter than the last one. This one was a four-piece for the first time. We used to have two drummers, but one of them moved to the West Coast, and with the economy of touring, it was worth seeing how it felt [with four members when touring the last album]. It ended up being the version of the band that’s toured most consistently. So this is a document of a band getting to that place where we can read each other’s minds. A lot of the arrangements came together in the studio as opposed to in rehearsals beforehand. The older you get, the more you lose that luxury of everyone being around.

SILY: Was there anything new or specific that informed the lyric-writing process?

AS: You know...everything. Everything’s new. Everything’s specific. How’s that for a non-specific answer? [laughs]

I take pretty long breaks between doing this stuff. I’m sort of always recording little voice memos and nuggets of things that will eventually become songs. It always feels like a couple of years between concentrated songwriting sessions. On a personal level, it feels like, “Okay, you’ve got to get your shit together because you’re bringing this stuff to other people.” It’s funny, because I’m sort of gearing up for that again now. This took longer to come out than I wanted it to, and what else am I gonna do right now than get ready to make the next one if I can? There’s always a separate lyrical dump of a million thoughts and ideas I write down whenever I think of them, but 99% of those things never make them beyond that folder. It’s circumstance: what you think through, what you’re listening to at the time, what you allow yourself to be able to say, perspectives you feel comfortable portraying. It’s never conscious. All this stuff, I’m only able to think about when I go back and reexamine my work, which luckily isn’t a drag  for me. I like the things I make, so it’s fun. I don’t love the sound of my voice, and I think most people don’t, but it’s an interesting thing. For my Patreon, I’ve been doing an in-depth song breakdown every month, and I’ve been doing it for songs on this record. It’s been lined up with every single that’s come out. I’ll put out the single and then do a couple pages of writing. I’ll sort of just bop around between the circumstances of writing, recording, and producing the songs, and then I’ve started including little stems from the record sessions, like isolated tracks and things you don’t necessarily hear when it’s all piled on to each other.

SILY: There seem to be a lot of lyrics about fire and heat. Is that something you noticed or intended?

AS: No, I didn’t. There’s "The Meteor”’s lyrics, but that song is about a meteor--sort of--as far as I know. That’s all real. That thing’s burning up. It’s an element. I’m watching snow melt right now. I don’t have the answer you’re looking for. I wish I did--that would have been great.

SILY: Why did you choose to release “Supernova” as the first single? And can you tell me about the video?

AS: I’m pretty bad at knowing which songs to put out. If more than one person tells me one is a good idea, I usually just go with it. It was also definitely the first song we got together for the record. It’s the oldest one on the album and has been kicking around for a while. It feels the most anchored where we’d even played it live. Most of this record, we haven’t yet. All other albums, we road-tested the material before tracking it. Probably a few people on my side of things suggested it would be a good one to put out there first. Usually, when I think about what to release as a single, I think about what’s gonna be good in the streaming world and all that crap. I sort of always have to check myself and see which songs have choruses, because it’s usually half or less than half depending on how well-behaved I am. I try to make a point to have everything I write be hooky in one way or another. It’s what I drift towards, so I’m never worried about that. But a chorus is a time-tested way to get someone to recognize a song. “Supernova” checked all those boxes: not too fast, not too slow, showcases the production range on the record. It felt like the best candidate.

SILY: On “Supernova”, you sing, “Why did my friend have to die?” Are you talking about either of the friends you write about in the essay?

AS: I am talking about either of the friends on the essay.

SILY: Did the thought process for releasing “Supernova” also apply to singling out “The Meteor”, “AM Radio”, and “Sunshine”?

AS: You’re trying to get people excited about what’s coming next. On the record, there are some songs that are quiet, some that are short, which I loved putting in there as connective tissue as things that work on their own but don’t make sense as singles, and others are a little long for being singles. It also changes every time we put out a record, what’s customary. Around the time of our first record, it was only 1 or 2 songs and then drop the record. People now put out, like, 5. It doesn’t matter. I try to not lament too hard about the state of things, because you can only help what you can help, and whatever’s happening with streaming, those are facts, and I can say what’s right or wrong about it, and I will, but I’m going to try to build a microeconomy of people who are going to give a shit about the record and buy it and remember that we’re human beings and this is a human exchange. At this point, for this record, it’s like, “Let’s put out a bunch of things,” and it’s nice to have a new song out for Bandcamp Fridays.

SILY: "Sunshine” is a slow-burning change of pace.

AS: It’s sort of the opposite [of the others]. That one, we’ve played live a bunch and I’ve been doing in my solo shows a lot. A lot of Landlady songs don’t feel right doing solo because the band arrangement is too important or they’re not conducive to what I love about playing solo, which is being able to improvise and change things pretty dramatically. “Sunshine” is such a good one for both. It’s the same chords over and over and over again. It’s either one verse or four verses, depending on what you call it, and they happen twice. It’s open-ended. We drew a contour of what we wanted to do in the studio. When we perform that song, the choices people make are different. It feels like a step in a new direction to us and for me as a songwriter. It’s near and dear to me and felt like a good one to put out there.

SILY: Is there an overall mood you’d describe the record as having?

AS: Is there one that you would?

SILY: Uneasy.

AS: Sure. That’s okay, I guess.

SILY: It’s definitely a good thing. Like on “Take The Hint”, any time there’s a tremolo guitar effect, and the relationship between the music, lyrics, and arrangement in general.

AS: It’s why we’re not on many playlists and played in many coffee shops. None of it’s really conscious other than me wanting to not be bored and make music I want to listen to and sound exciting. A byproduct of that is our records are active listening. When our fans find it and listen to it, it’s a great avenue for discovery. It’s not music to drink coffee to, though you can once you know the record. I was at a coffee shop one time with some friends and they were playing a Dirty Projectors record, and I was like, “This is the most distracting fucking thing.” That music is not built to be cruising above your head. It’s hit you in the face. 

I try to approach the production and arrangements with a bit more patience than we normally do, roping in our frenetic energy. I’m never worried about taming us. It’s never gonna go too far; if we try to be focused, solid, and patient whenever it feels right, it makes the crazier moments mean more, I think. A lot of really nice moments of that on the record.

SILY: This album’s very much inspired by all the formative music in your life you’ve listened to in cars, and on “Molly Pitcher”, you mention “God Only Knows” a couple times, which a lot of folks consider one of the greatest songs ever written. What’s your relationship to that song or Pet Sounds or The Beach Boys in general?

AS: Pretty late in life discovery of that stuff. Sort of a certain category of band where you hear one version of them, and the right person tells you, “No, they’re actually cool,” and you listen again and it reshapes everything you know. It happens with The Beach Boys. It happens with The Beatles for sure. It happens with The Kinks. I don’t think it happens with The Rolling Stones. I can appreciate them more and more also when I listen to them, but I’m never surprised by it. I always think it’s so weird they’re compared to The Beatles as a face-off situation. They’re such different beasts.

“God Only Knows”, I think in that song I picked because it was a good lyric for our song. [laughs] But the sentiment is nailed there. I want to paint this picture of us listening to a song loud in the car. That’s gonna do that, but it’s helpful from me from a wordplay perspective to pick a song with a title that could also mean something else.

I think “Molly Pitcher” had been written before we started doing this in the van to kill time but also find something pseudo engaging on social media without being totally soul sucking. Around 2017, we were doing these harmonies in the car, and one of the last ones at the end of the first tour we were pulling back into Brooklyn, under the BQE, which is always a really bad reentry when you live in New York. You’ve been on the road where things are hard but almost every other city is easier to reenter. You always hit traffic on the bridge, and you get off and there’s some horrible sound from a truck on the highway. It was dark at night, and we were singing that harmony, and it was a special moment. It makes the whole thing kind of double meta, where it’s a testament to my penchant for trying to hit on universal ideas in a way that doesn’t feel vague or general but, “This means something to me, I bet it means something to you too.” Then it can loop back around on my own life again and again. Driving in cars with friends growing up, and that’s still happening, and that’s kind of what the essay’s about, too.

SILY: There are some lines on “Nowhere to Hide” that make me think you’re talking about touring, where you sing about how your food’s gone bad and “give me a home here and there.” Were you feeling that: “Where do I live?”

AS: No, I forget. Some of that song’s about my grandfather who lived in Maine. Some of it’s about other stuff that I don’t know anymore. So, to that degree, sure, you could be right. That song isn’t really about tour. None of them are, really. “Molly Pitcher” is named after the Molly Pitcher Service Area in New Jersey, and “Bulldozer” sort of is about touring.

SILY: Do you think of some of the shorter instrumental tracks on here like “Western Divide” as interludes, or do they stand alone as full songs?

AS: I think they’re full songs that stand alone. That was sort of a fun challenge in putting them together. I knew I liked the idea of shorter songs living between longer songs, and in some ways, they function the way an interlude would function, but I wanted to have more meat on those bones. There were two more songs that up until pretty late in the process I was planning on finding a way to put in as that type of song. One of them we started playing live, and the loud band version is so good. But I was working too hard to make it fit where it wasn’t the best life it could live. It should just be on the next record as a better recorded version. The other one wasn’t feeling good enough on its own. It was feeling interludey. I had to tell myself, “You haven’t finished writing this song yet. There’s probably more coming after this ends. You’re psyched on the idea of doing cool, weird interludes, but it’s not good on its own.” So we cut it. “Western Divide” and “Take the Hint” are the ones that are really short. “Lights Out” is the in-between. It doesn’t really have traditional song form, but it’s longer. I love how that turns out, too. Short songs are something I tried on the first Landlady record, and it’s something I always loved about the Pixies, and the songs I had been writing since I was a kid were always too long.

SILY: How did you approach the order of the tracks in general on this album?

AS: I don’t know. The last two records we did with Hometapes, who are not a label anymore but dear friends, they sequenced. They put an order together, sent it to me, and I maybe had one question, but not much. It was cool to work with people whose input you might follow blindly. With this one, suddenly, it was me in charge of all of it, so I fooled around until I found an order that felt good. Some songs went where they had to go, like “The Meteor” had to go first. Ryan [Dugre], our bass player, even said that. Hearing our drum groove, it had to be the opener.

SILY: Was your decision to self-release this because Hometapes is no longer a label?

AS: By the time the last record came out, they knew it was gonna be the last record they put out, so we called it a co-release between Hometapes and Landladyland. This one we did a fair amount of trying to get someone else to want to put it out. When after a certain point it didn’t happen, I just wanted to put it out. I didn’t know the date until the election happened. After that, I was like, “I think I feel comfortable putting music out.”

SILY: Would have been a bleak alternative.

AS: It’s all bleak, but it’s a strange question. You ask yourself, “When’s a good time to put something out?” And your body’s telling you, “Never! It’s a good time to run a lumber mill and volunteer and learn things about yourself.” But building a microeconomy around what you’re doing and testing out the Bandcamp vinyl thing which was such a success but felt risky. You never know how many people actually care and how to make the thing work. I’m still very much in debt after this record, but we’ll see what happens!

SILY: Why did you decide to self-title this record?

AS: I didn’t have a better idea. I tried. Usually, I do it after a song name, and none of them felt right, and the ones that would have been right, I checked and they were other albums by other people with those titles. I thought “Tooth and Nail” would have been a good album title, but if there’s too many with the same name, it feels silly. For a while, I wanted to call it “Landlady’s Fourth Best Album.” I like it. It worked well for the album art. Everything fit the idea of what came after in a very spontaneous and accidental way. It was the benefit of deciding to do it myself last year and letting things take the time they took. I hired Case Jernigan to do the “Supernova” video last March or April, and he turned it in and we saw what it was and the band artwork at the end of it, which felt like a pretty ridiculous and compelling album cover. Also the band identity, making it clear this was a band record and performance. It was 6 days capturing this in the studio, and I spent many months toying with it on my own, but every choice I make is in service of communicating the energy of people in a room playing together.

SILY: So you don’t think this is your fourth best album? You actually think it’s your best?

AS: Yes, you misheard me. It’s “Landlady’s Fourth, comma, Best Album.”

SILY: In between this and your last Landlady record, you played on a lot of records, like Adia Victoria’s two records and last year’s This Is The Kit record. Did participating in those and others shape making this record?

AS: In the same way that everything shapes everything, where I’m a product of my experiences and am trying to always improve and get better and love working with people and producing. There are so many versions of that for me. It all ends up. I can’t point to any one thing and say, “This led to this.” I play on the Adia record, I’m up there for two hours, play a bunch of stuff, and it ends up on the record or it doesn’t. But there’s plenty of history with me and Adia who have played together and toured together and made music together. It’s funny, the documented recording is a small percentage a lot of the time of your relationship with someone and how everything connects. 

This Is The Kit had done a U.S. tour in 2018 and were in New York and needed a sax player for a show, so I got called because we had some mutual friends, and we hit it off right away. A year later, they were doing another U.S. tour, and I offered to open solo and play in the band. It’s not something I ask to do that often, because it’s an incredible hassle to play in someone else’s band. There are plenty of fun moments, but you’re on tour. But they’re really incredible people, and Kate [Stables] and I became really close really fast. So it felt great to work on the new stuff with them. The drag was that we were scheduled to do it all in person last April, but then I had to record by myself. They tracked the band and I laid down a bunch of ideas for every song. The producer, Josh Kaufman, I know really well, and I knew to play ideas I thought they would enjoy and to bring my energy into their universe, which is what I think about when someone brings me in or I bully my way into a project. I think I have something to offer, with the sounds I have access to and the perspective I bring to the music that’s my own. That’s a joy for me to put into other people’s world. Landlady is my world with my people, and we don’t have to tiptoe. It’s the ultimate freedom to go for whatever we want to go for, and we see what comes out.

SILY: Why are you donating money to The Okra Project for this record?

AS: We need to find a better way for this thing to make sense. This thing meaning being a person on earth and finding what other people have done wrong. I want it to be built into the economy of the project. The price is gonna go up. It’s 20 dollars for digital, which is traditionally high, but I’m gonna donate 5 of those dollars every time to The Okra Project, and that’s an ongoing thing. It’s an organization I believe in, working with trans people of color. It’s such a bare minimum, but if it’s something everybody can work into their work, it’s a better support network.

SILY: Are you doing any live streams or socially distant shows?

AS: No. It’s such a hassle to think about. The simplest answer is we can’t afford it. You think about anyone you’ve seen that looks good, and you’re basically making a live record that exists only once. The people who did that, and I did one with Sylvan Esso last year that was totally wonderful, and the fans got it, and they had the means to produce it, but I don’t have the means to produce it on my end. If I’m getting together with my band somehow, I’d rather just be eating snacks because it’s been so long. The idea that the next time we see each other we have to dive into production mode for something that’s not going to be as good. I’d rather ask people to have patience, and when they can see us live, they’ll see us live.

SILY: Are you working on anything else at the moment?

AS: I’m slowly kicking around new songs. I’ve been going slow on those but want to step back on that gas pedal to see what comes out. I’m working on my third sample pack for Splice of loops and sound design. The first one was loops and synthy stuff, the second, bass clarinet, this one, lap steel guitar. It’s been nice to have something to work on steadily. It’s good. It’s jobby. I’m working on a Landladyland podcast, and another comedy fictional podcast.

SILY: Anything notable you’ve been listening to, watching, or reading lately?

AS: Since moving, I haven’t had internet, so I haven’t been streaming at all. I’d been away from my record collection for the past year, so it’s been amazing to listen to my records again. That’s been the best. Yesterday, I was listening to this Keith Jarrett live record that blew my mind. I hadn’t heard it quite that way before. There’s also a radio station in Northampton that our radio picks up, and they have this show called Funky Fridays that has been consistently awesome. One night was all James Brown features. The other was all New Orleans, like deep Meters and Allen Toussaint, which forced me to grab all those records from my collection and listen to those. I’m trying to read The Brothers Karamazov and a Marx Brothers biography at the same time. We’ve been watching The Larry Sanders Show. I have them all on DVD. The finale’s tonight, I think. It’s gonna be very sad.

[chrisemrysblog]

Hello~

So this is for @safeforwork-sword who requested Yuulma for DGM Secret Santa hosted at @dgmsecretsanta2k17~ I got delayed the week before Christmas and for a moment I thought I wouldn't get this out when I wanted it, but Alma and Kanda decided they wanted this written today.

Also: special thanks to @solstellarianallen who helped me figure out the details for this!

This is a bit more of a collection of scenes, but they form a small story more or less. Also: the NS // FW you hoped for is a bonus scene at the end~ It's not full out (out, ah) but I hope that works too! EDIT: Apparently the implicit/small bonus scene was still enough to have tumblr flag my blog, so I had to remove it if I want to ask them to unflag. Have no worry though, I will post this on my FFnet and AO3 with the bonus scene!

Merry Christmas and I hope you're having nice holidays, enjoy~!

They didn't realize, at first, that something was strange. Alma could feel himself get more and more drained, and only the warm presence of Yuu soothed the pain. He would feel fear, yet how could he, being in Yuu's arms for his last moments? It was gift they wouldn't waste, a proper farewell; and Alma only hoped for Yuu to move forward.

It was when Alma started to feel suffocated, while the sensation of Yuu's presence lessened, that he realized something had changed. A gasp passed his lips, he curled closer to Yuu, and the same time he felt as if sand was itching his skin. He heard Yuu's voice call his name with slight concern, both close and far.

And in the next moment, what remained of Alma's body crumbled to dust in Kanda's arms. The swordsman took a sharp intake of breath, and then snapped his head when he heard rustling. He got into a crouching position, frowning, and then to his surprise, what appeared to be a blank doll rose from under the sand.

Kanda tensed, but then the doll looked toward him, and his eyes widened as he watched traits start to form. The eyebrow, the little scar across the nose, the eyes… “Alma..?” He breathed out in disbelief.

The doll's eyes blinked, and blinked again, the mouth opened in surprise, then close, then opened again. “Yuu?” The voice that the doll had was indeed Alma's, but also, lighter. As if it couldn't decided the pitch of Alma's voice.

The doll wobbled, and Kanda found himself standing, walking toward it. He soon realized the rest of the doll was taking the traits of Alma, or at least it tried to. It wasn't settling, and Kanda had to catch Alma when the doll's body didn't seem to be able to remain standing anymore.

When Kanda glanced into Alma's eyes, he felt frozen. Alma's face, but not quite, and this look… He blinked, and with the traits still not quite adjusting, whatever he saw vanished. It bothered his mind, but right now, what mattered was Alma.

Because he realized there seemed to be no Dark Matter, and no Innocence. Yet, the doll was warming up, but Alma struggled to stay conscious. Lost eyes gazed up at Kanda, and the swordsman brought Alma's body closer, comfortingly.

Doll or not, that warmth was the one of life. Kanda found himself blinking back tears, and he registered the feel of wetness from the face pressed into his neck. He had no idea if it was happiness or not, if this was a second chance or a punishment; and he felt that Alma was just as confused.

Yet, could he deny the warmth that took hold of his chest, when he realized that somehow, Alma's soul had been saved?

Kanda felt his eyes twitch at cooing of, “What a beautiful face you have!” from the old woman, but in the next moment she was petting the top of Alma's head in a gentle, worried gesture; and all that mattered was the quiet claim that she needed to give them clothes at least.

He had been carrying his best friend close to his chest, a desperate need in his mind to bring Alma to safety. Even if Mater was secluded, away from civilization, Alma needed to be warm and fed. At least, Kanda had found cloaks, but they had been ripped and all he had been able to do was use them to wrap around Alma's waist and both their chest, to try keeping some warmth in as he moved.

So he wasn't about to refuse the offer, not when he felt Alma shiver a bit, not when Alma curled closer even though the touch had been gentle. No one else felt safe for Alma but Yuu; and Kanda would be damned if he didn't do anything to make a smile show again in the face he had thought he would never seen again. Twice.

Alma stood in front of the mirror, a small frown over the features reflected. At times, Alma would see someone else in the reflection, someone he had been. Or someone she was still? Whatever the doll had been, it had captured Alma's memories. Except Alma had two different set of memories, and had access to both when the doll reacted.

The memories of Alma Karma were the strongest, and so, the doll features had mostly taken after how Alma remembered being. But then, there were memories of the life before, not very clear, but enough to confuse the doll. And to confuse Alma. Alma had been made a boy, told he was a boy. But always, there had been doubts, dreams, that when Alma woke, left a strange sensation.

Alma always had known, that something wasn't right. Running in the dream field, feeling long hairs and a dress, Alma felt happy. But Alma didn't want to be her again. Alma was free, of Innocence, of Dark Matter, but then, who was he now?

“What are you doing?” Yuu's voice sounded, and Alma turned to him, smiling.

“Nothing~” He called in a cheery voice, like a fun mystery only for Alma to know.

Kanda was frowning though, and as he stepped closer, Alma's smile dropped, confused. Then blue eyes widened slightly when the swordsman reached a hand out, thumb brushing over Alma's brows. Alma felt her cheeks flush, that gesture felt so familiar… And that was when Alma realized that for a second, the sensation of being that woman came. But it didn't feel as bad as Alma first feared, or was it because this was Yuu?

“Your brows are different.” Kanda commented softly, gaze drifting across Alma's face. This was still Alma, but there had been little changes here and there, changes that poked at his mind. Why did this new Alma felt more familiar that the one he had known until now? Why did his gaze lingered on that blush?

Alma blinked again, blush forced into control, and he tilted his head. “But I'm still me.” Alma couldn't help saying; and whatever gave a heartbeat, it skipped when Yuu's lips lifted into a small smile.

And then Yuu flicked at Alma's forehead, stepping back. “Of course, you idiot. Now come on, the food is all ready.”

Alam rubbed at his forehead with a little pout, but then he grinned. “Well, what are we waiting for?”

Kanda grunted as Alma grabbed his hand and pulled them our of the room, but he didn't snatch his hand back. Deep down, he felt… confused. Between the grin just now and the way Alma dragged him, Kanda felt a strong sense of déjà vu. Since their fight, it was as if a thought nagged at the back of his mind, but refused to fully form. But the more time he spent with Alma, the more he felt like he could grasp it.

He just didn't know if he felt more nervous or more eager to discover what this thought was.

Travelling together was quite an adventure, and yet felt so natural. Alma didn't want to have the Order know he was alive, however like Kanda, there was a wonder of what happened to Allen Walker. Even more so as Alma felt the Noah that Allen was. The worst was the sense of guilt Kanda would display at times. It made Alma hate so much that Yuu had been used like this, it made Alma wish to keep Yuu away from both sides. But they shared one wish, and it was to figure out what Allen's fate had been.

They owed him big time, as even if he hadn't known, sending them to Mater was what ultimately saved Alma. And they intended to repay him, even if it came to ending his life, if it was too late.

Kanda knew that lingering thought would eventually become clear, but he ever expected the strength of the realization.

The doll's body had settled on Alma's main traits all over, but the little details, never stopped changing. Kanda had worried, but Alma had eventually confessed the confusion between the two set of memories, and what to choose. On the spot, Kanda voiced out that Alma didn't have to choose, if it felt so hard; and it had been like a revelation to Alma.

Kanda hadn't known at first, what exactly Alma thought he should choose, until he noticed the way Alma would frown a little bit at times, or twitch, or even glance to the side. Analyzing it as feeling bothered, Kanda paid attention to what brought this reactions, and made two discoveries. The first, that it was always whenever someone refered to Alma with masculine words. The second, that it was not all the times Alma was adressed as such.

The pieces of the puzzles started to fit together at a fast pace then, one day, as they sat in the train. Kanda was watching subtly Alma look at his reflection, a familiar frown there, seeming to brush dark hairs back into place with a hand from running to catch the train. But Kanda noticed, how Alma arranged the now almost shoulder length hairs, how Alma arranged them differently, how the little trick changed a bit the way Alma's face seemed to look.

It hit Kanda then, how Alma seemed to shift from times to times, which until now Kanda hadn't really thought much about it, knowing there had been small traits the doll's body wouldn't quite settle on. He just didn't realize, until now, that his shift had one major detail that was more how Alma felt.

“Do you feel like a woman at times?” Kanda asked, resting an elbow on the table and his cheek on his palm, watching Alma into the relfection.

The wide eyes of Alma, the sharp intake of breath, replied to Kanda without the need of words. The slight fear and anixety mixed confusion and vulnerability stirred something in Kanda's mind, the same way his ever-lurking thought would. And then he straigntened all of the sudden, his own eyes wide.

A woman. Or the woman? “Alma...” Kanda breathed out, his stomach clenching, his heart fluterring.

Alma ducked the head down, little trembles going through the frame. Kanda hesitated, then reached out, gently grasping Alma's shoulder in a silent request for the other to turn. What happened instead, was for Alma to hug Kanda's chest in a flash, face hiding into his neck. He had a thought of being grateful the compartiment was empty, a choice of theirs; and then he felt the tears against his skin.

His heart constriced. His heart had been doing lots of things around Alma lately, a shift in how he viewed Alma. Best friends years ago, and still that, but now…

His arms wrapped around Alma, feeling awkward, yet it felt so right.

“I-I'm her. But not-” Alma whispered, after a bit, though it felt hard getting it out. But why delay, when Alma had seen true realization in Yuu's gaze? “I feel like a woman at times, but I don't want to be her. I want to be me.”

Kanda felt his lips curl up. There was a sense of happiness, that came from deep within, and a sense of relief. “You idiot.” He muttered in a breath. “Do you see me wanting to be him? They're the past; and it can rest at peace now that I've found where she was.” A hand slided to rest against Alma's cheek, Alma's eyes widening a bit. “Now we can truly live.” A troubled look crossed his face. “Thanks to Moyashi...”

Alma felt sadness, thinking of the white haired male and the fate that waited for him. An awakened Noah that would slowly erode him, like dark matter had been eroding Alma-Blue eyes widened. Both hands clasped over Yuu's face, Alma bringing her face closer. She felt excited, protective. “Yuu. The dolls. They saved me. They should more lying around, right?”

Kanda's hands, that had been resting low at the sides, clenched a little bit, the same realization crossing his expression. “That's not a certitude, though.”

Alma shook her head, giving a blinding smile. “But it's better than nothing. We have to try! Fading away is a too cruel fate...” She knew something of it, after all.

With how bright and determined Alma looked, Kanda couldn't help but feel it didn't hurt to try. So he just nodded, and the way Alma hugged around his neck was happier. But then again, Kanda could understand that. His mind finally at peace, knowing that woman lived on within Alma, and part of him knew that helping Allen was a goal that made them want to remain in his world for a bit longer.

What Kanda didn't expect was for Alma to press their lips together after pulling out of the hug. Alma leaned back after a few seconds, and he felt himself return fully to the present moment. Now, that urge to kiss had been strong from emotions not all from this life, but the desire, had been there with the Alma of now for a while. But how would Yuu take it? There was one thing he wanted to make clear though.

“… That was me.” Alma simply said, knowing Yuu would understand.

He did, and almost surprising Alma, Kanda leaned closer again and pressed their lips together again. The irony was that Kanda had questioned the same thing. He had worried Alma would misunderstand who he was kissing.

But now they were both reassured. It was Kanda Yuu and Alma Karma that kissed, no one else.

Notes: Yes, this has been written to actually leave open whether the doll shaped into male, female, or intersex. Meanwhile, Alma is a confused mess about their gender, going from male to female, that has nothing to do with having been a woman before (which they clearly state more than once).