#hannibal i WILL HAVE YOUR BABY I VOLUNTEER-

[wowifinallymadeanaccount]

Will: *Talking about his Grief and longing to see Abigail again*

Hannibal: Well, you saw part of her

Me: HANNIBAL- HANNIBAL GO TO THE NAUGHTY CORNER RIGHT NOW.

[angelbarelywrites]

♡ slashers scenarios | y’all accidentally adopt a kid (part 2)

♡ fandoms; House of Wax, Hannibal (TV)/Silence of the Lambs, slashers (general)

♡ characters; Vincent Sinclair, Bo Sinclair, Hannibal Lecter

♡ reader; gender neutral

♡cw; parenthood, kidnapping, mentions of violence. basically don’t tell these guys you want a kid ig

♡notes; another sparse selection but i don’t think Billy Lenz is allowed within 100 yards of a school so it is what it is

also I hate how much I’m starting to love Bo oh my god

•┈••✦ ❤ ✦••┈•

Vincent Sinclair

> he’s a nurturing man- to his brothers and you

> hell he babies Jonesy too

> even so, he’s shocked when you mention offhandedly that he’d make a good father

> he denies it vehemently

> even as the golden child he grew up in hell

> no way he’d know how to do any of it right

> but you just gently laugh and shake your head, insisting but not pressing it

> it makes him think

> and think and think

> he didn’t know much about kids, but you’d be a great parent

> and you wouldn’t lie to him- maybe he’d be at least an okay father

> families don’t come through often

> and when they do, Lester leaves them be

> if they ever get to Ambrose on their own, the town stays off- none of the Sinclairs want anything to do with harming children

> but mistakes happen, and Bo is freaking out

> a little girl with dark hair and bright blue eyes was sleeping in the back of a car while he took care of her parents, and he didn’t realize until far to late

> she’s maybe 3, and awfully scared and quiet- but when they bring her in the house she walks right up to you and Vincent

> she hugs your leg and finally smiles when Vincent kneels down to show her that Jonesy is a nice dog

> Bo is in shock when you volunteer to adopt her, but Vincent is in quick agreement

> she’s nonverbal, but you look through her family’s things to find out her name - Lilly Henson, or something to that affect .

> Lilly Sinclair has a much better ring to it anyways, doesn’t it?

Bo Sinclair

> he’s the type that if you mention that you want a kid to this man, he asks what color

> he is endlessly devoted to you

> and while he never wanted a kid before, he’s always so insistent you make him a better man

> so some snot nosed brats would complete the picture perfectly

> he’s not super serious about it, not really

> you have plenty of time to plan for a family

> and he’s the type to want biological children if possible- he’s so used to white picket fence suburbia-type ideals

> when a car pulls up to the gas station, he stops when he sees the infant car seat in the back

> he’s about to tell the parents to move along- but then he sees the second matching one

> something - probably his overinflated self worth - tells him he’d be a much better father to twins that these chucklefucks

> and you want a kid anyways! would two be much better

> they’re not identical- he’s not not disappointed by the fact, but they’re still adorable

> a boy and a girl a bit over a year, with big brown eyes and infectious giggles

> he’s beyond proud when he strides in with them

> “daddy’s home!”

> he thinks you might actually kill him this time

> but then Charlotte - the girl based on what’s embroidered on her blankie, reaches for you and you melt

> you’re still scolding him as you happily take Theodore too

> but he knows you’re beyond thrilled

Hannibal Lecter

> he’s always wanted a successor

> quite frankly it never had to be his child - or a child at all

> he thought about taking younger serial killers in the making under his wing more than once

> to teach them the art of culinary cannibalism and the finer points of flaying people

> but it’s far too dangerous - especially with you around

> you’re the one thing that trumps his egomania

> so he lets it be for the time being

> but one day, he takes on a special case at work

> a young boy who recently lost his parents very violently

> he’s in kindergarten, and expresses most everything through his rather advanced drawings

> you don’t interact with his patients- even though he works from home you’re pretty skilled at dodging them

> but on the way out that afternoon the little boy- Peter, his name is, runs out before his social worker and smack dab into you

> she apologizes on his half profusely but you’re so sweet with the boy

> you pick up his dropped drawings and comfort him- he’s quite upset he may have hurt or angered you

> he gives you a huge hug and Hannibal can see the fond, parental look on your face

> after that it’s quite simple to draw up the paperwork

> he’s already in foster care, and it only takes a few false documents to make the courts think that Hannibal’s custody is the best place for little Peter

> you learned long ago that it’s best not to question how or why Hannibal does something when he gets like that

> and either way you’re content with your new little family

[netherfeildren]

Masterlist:

Updates Blog : Follow and turn on notifications for new writing! All works are 18+

Fear of God : Joel Miller x OFC

Summary : What was monstrousness? What was it, but a certainty that there existed within you multitudes of desires, needs, guilts, impulses – humanity? At the end of the world, when the dust has finally settled, Joel grapples with what it is to take hold of your own monstrosity – your own humanity – and live with it. And what it is to bear that truth in the palm of your hand held towards the person you love, offer it to them, and have it be accepted for what it was. Courage, above all else, it is courage that is necessary to go on.

-OR-

Big bad Joel Miller falls in love and doesn't know how to deal with it.

Someone's Wife in the Boat of Someone's Husband : Joel Miller x F!Reader

Summary: What do you do when you meet a woman, have a child, get married, and then find the love of your life?

-OR-

A Joel infidelity AU

The Cassandra Complex : Ongoing : Din Djarin x F!Reader

Summary: Enter: A man who is not so much a man, but an effigy, a wound of steel and armor and Creed – secrecy and masked faces, above all else.

Enter: A girl who is not a girl, but a creature helmed in darkness and spit out unto the galaxy broken and unmoored.

Enter: the creation of myth.

-OR-

the mandalorian / dark sider au

Fable of the Dog : Ongoing : Joel Miller x FMC

Summary: The sky is a glass mirror of blackened silver streaks, and you’re almost positive that all the stars in the Milky Way are visible from right here at this very spot in the heart of Wyoming. The sight makes your broken heart feel full and falsely mended.

And then there is Joel Miller, too.

-OR-

the cowboy/heiress AU

Pink : Joel Miller x F!Reader

Summary: The story of a son who won’t love you, and his father, who will.

-OR-

the father-in-law AU

Honey, Stomach, Mine : Joel Miller x F!Reader

Summary: Existence is a needful thing. Choice is fickle, nature inescapable. Run to the end of the world, Joel, all those things will still find you. 

She'll still come for you. 

-OR-

the A/B/O outbreak AU 

One Shots :

bétteln : Joel Miller x F!Reader

Summary : You really want Joel to give you a baby. You don’t really care what he has to say about it.

biéten : Joel Miller x F!Reader

Summary : Now that you have his baby in you, you’re Joel’s most special girl. 

Kiss, Kiss, Kill, Kill! : Joel Miller x F!Reader

Summary: Joel is a long haul truck driver. One day he finds a pretty girl in a diner and decides he’d like to keep her. 

Murder and sex ensue!

Greener Memories of Better Men : Joel Miller x F!Reader

Summary: Best Story of the Day! South Austin elementary school started a “Breakfast With Dads” program but many dads couldn’t make it and several students didn’t have father figures. The school posted fliers at the local YMCA’s for 50 volunteer fathers… 600 different people from all backgrounds showed up…

Joel Miller is one of them.

-OR-

Sarah’s gone and Joel wants to feel close to her again. He reconnects with someone he used to know along the way.

I urge you: Bite me : Joel Miller x F!Reader

Summary: Sometimes love hurts like a split nail, and sometimes we like it like that.

Sometimes Joel hurts like a split nail, you like him like that too. 

With Mercy for the Disturbed : Joel Miller x F!Reader

Summary: He's a father and then he isn't, and then he's in the perfect place with the perfect girl, and he's done so many bad things that terrify the both of them. And then, finally, he's saved and there are dancing bears and doors newly opened, and everyone's a little mad at the end of it all.

-OR-

the Hannibal/Alice in Wonderland AU wherein Joel loses his mind

Evermore : Joel Miller x F!Reader

Summary: The Thanksgiving AU

Meet Me in the New Year : Joel Miller x F!Reader

Summary: The New Year’s Eve AU

10:05 PM : Joel Miller x F!Reader

Summary: Joel is exhausted, you’re there to make him feel better.

How to Endure Ardor : Joel Miller x F!Reader

Summary: Joel teaches you how to love him.

Notes On a Virtuous Affair : Joel Miller x F!Reader

Summary: One would think this road ends in something virtuous—a greenness so dazzling it hurt the eyes—and not the sort of man waiting in his far out removed solitude.

At the Restaurant : Din Djarin x F!Reader

Summary: It’s three days til Christmas, and you’ve never known want like this, and his eyes are glossy with emotion and everything he won’t ever let himself tell you or anyone else, and you so badly want to tell him that it’s only that it’s hard to be casual when your favorite bra lives in his dresser, and also that you’re in love with him.

-OR-

the Christmas situationship AU

Forfeiting My Mystique : Ezra x F!Reader

Summary: You're a girl made of golden gossamer, a work of art come to life, and Ezra, well, he's dedicated his life to collecting beautiful things.

-OR-

An Ezra Art Collector AU

Austerlitz : Simon (Ghost) Riley x F!Reader

Summary: The day he left for his hideous war, the dream changed. The house was still there, but now neither of us lived in it anymore. And when he finally came back, if that’s what you could even call it, he was nothing but a Ghost. 

-OR-

Ghost goes away, comes back in a maybe dream.

[rubbersoles19]

Never saw the show, but I enjoyed your casting especially seeing Michael B and Anson!!

But what did you mean by an A-Team that actually cares?

Oh, now I gotta talk about it...

Back in 2010, there was a movie that, uh, pretended to be the A-Team, but it was just a lazy, military propaganda fireball of mediocrity. I haven't run across a single person who liked the movie. Heck, even Rotten Tomatoes wasn't impressed.

The first problem was the casting. Liam Neeson played Hannibal, and while Liam is a great actor, he was No fit for the sassy, flamboyant, wise-cracking Hannibal. Liam's Hannibal was oddly pissed off the whole time? He was no team-leader, much less a Friend to the guys.

Next was Bradley Cooper, who also gave a fine enough performance, but the writers forgot that Face is the sensitive, sweet, scaredy cat of the group. Instead, they whore-ified him, made him a whiny baby, and shoe-horned in some jilted lover who wasted a Heck of a lot of screen time, but more on her later.

Plus, I can't help but hear Rocket whenever he gets worked up anymore...

BA wasn't screwed over as much as the other guys, he just had some stupid arc where they decided the only interesting thing about BA was his violence, so halfway through the movie he takes a vow of nonviolence. And then breaks it in this Heroic Arc. And if the writers thought this orphan-raising, community center volunteering, soft-hearted brute was only interesting when he was beating people up, that tells you all you need to know about how they view the characters.

Side note, Mr. T (BA's actor) had a huge influence on the character. He didn't want the only black man on the team to be mindless muscle. He wanted BA to have a softer, child-like side, full of warmth and compassion. His gold jewelry and signature hairstyle were also symbols he crafted as a statement towards his enslaved ancestors. The gold represented the shackles slaves wore, and the hairstyle resembled those by African tribe leaders.

That's all of them, right? I feel like I'm forgetting something...

Oh yeah.

Murdock.

Now, I am biased, but HM Murdock remains one of the most spectacularly written and performed characters I have ever seen, and it's for this simple reason: literally no one knows if he's really crazy or not. Murdock lives permanently in a VA psych ward because he's crazy enough to have to do so, but he also is an instrumental part of the team. Murdock is the character that is most often called upon to save the others from a jam, he has to showcase incredible strategy and improv skills, and he's as loyal to the guys as a pitbull. Plus, he actually outranks all of them except Hannibal and was awarded the Silver Star - one of the highest honors you can get in the Army. Murdock has a reputation as being the Best Damn Pilot in the Army, even when he wasn't in the Army anymore. The others will take a bullet to protect Murdock from the MP (the MPs don't know he's part of the team, and they all know it needs to be that way), and Murdock has canonly taken a bullet for one of them. Murdock displays wildly varied identities, delusions, and hallucinations episode from episode, but he is 6 feet of Texan heart and soul and heroism.

The movie just kinda... forgot about that. And also about Murdock. He - the character established for being the clown and entertaining one - was reduced to a few LOL So Random XD moments. That is - when he's actually in the movie. Murdock is the pilot, so you'd think his usefulness would be reduced in a team that deals with punching people and fire fights, and yet the show never let that stop them. You can't have the A-Team without Murdock. In all the episode I've seen, you can have an episode that mostly lacks BA, Hannibal, or Face, but never Murdock. The show just doesn't work without him, and the team doesn't either.

And the movie sure as heck didn't either.

Oh, fun fact: Dwight Scultz (who played Murdock) and Dirk Benedict (who played Face) both had cameos in the movie, and they both regretted it afterwards.

The main guys stink, the other characters stink (Face's jilted lover is constantly playing catch-up and doesn't contribute anything for the amount of screen time she takes up, and the bad guys are so incredibly non-threatening it's impossible to establish any stakes or risks), and the movie itself just stinks. The pacing is terrible, the action is cartoonish (in a bad way), and the action sequences are literally nauseating.

And the worst part of all... they swear. A lot.

Oh, and kill people.

A lot.

Go watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It's a better movie than this.

[datasgirlfriend]

Baby on board. (Mizzy)

Izzy tells Murdock some news.

Tagging: @auxiliarydetective @starlit-ocs @starlightocs​

Hannibal had been her first port of call, No idea why, but as soon as she had found out the news, she went straight to him.

The farmhouse had been gradually made more homely as money piled up and Pippa had been coming around more often, to the point where Izzy almost expected her to greet her at the door, not Hannibal.

“May I be the first to offer my congratulations, Ghost.” Hannibal handed her a fresh can of grape soda. He had read somewhere or heard from someone that caffeine was bad for a lady in Izzy’s situation. 

“Thanks Pops.” Izzy cracked open the can, it fizzed.

“Have you told the good Captain yet?”

“Just you.” She sipped her drink “Not even my own Uncle knows..” 

She chuckled, Isabelle Walton, Pregnant, a miracle. 

She’d never thought about having children, it seemed Mitch already had a handle on carrying on the Walton name and that satisfied her mom. 

She thought she’d hate the idea, babies screamed all day and when they weren’t screaming they were shitting. 

But the idea of having a child, Murdock’s child, made her look forward to the experience. 

“Well Murdock’s going to be over the moon.” Hannibal addressed the doubts Izzy had been thinking on the drive over, Sometimes she swore he could read minds. 

“You think so?”

“I know so.” He grinned “And even if he isn’t…Well B.A can help him see sense.” 

She laughed, “Glad for your vote of confidence.”

                                                                    X

Hannibal volunteered himself to get Murdock out of the VA, Izzy was more than happy to do it but Hannibal fed her some lines about how riding a motorcycle in her condition wasn’t the smartest idea.

She had to admit he was right. 

She heard the car pulling up outside and voices, before the front door opened and Murdock walked in.

“Iz?” He looked confused “What's going on? Hannibal just threw me outta his car…said he had to take care of some stuff and that you’d explain.” 

Izzy stood up, this shouldn’t be as nerve racking as it is.

They had held their own against guns with machine guns together, escaped burning buildings, survived plane crashes together.

They were married, for Christ’s sake.

And yet she felt like a nervous teen asking her date to the prom. 

“Doc..” She hid her shaking hands in the sleeves of her sweater “I have news.”

“News?” 

Concern flashed over his features.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah..Yeah fine.”

“Then why you so quiet?” He walked over to her and pressed the back of his hand to her forehead “You sick?” 

She had in fact been throwing up minutes before, either morning sickness or nerves, she couldn’t tell.

Fuck she hoped the mouthwash and breath mint did their jobs.

She reached up and took his hand, she kissed his knuckles, that at least calmed her down.

“I-I…” she closed her eyes, frustrated at herself, she took a deep breath and opened her eyes, meeting his.

“We’re…We’re gonna have a baby.”

His eyes lit up, for a second she half expected them to pop out of his skull like in the old cartoons. 

She took his hand and placed it over her stomach, not quite sure why, she knew enough about biology to know that whatever was growing in her properly looked more like an alien than a baby.

But that's what people did, right? They felt the tummy, she’d seen Mitch talk to Jessica’s bump like it was going to respond. 

“A..A baby?” 

His voice was soft, full of disbelief. 

“You and me?”

“Unless the next son of God is going to be born, then yeah.”

He laughed “Fuck.”

He grabbed her waist and was picking her up before she could even blink, he spun her around.

Thankfully, She didn’t feel sick. 

“You and me…we created a baby..” he placed her back on the floor and cupped her cheeks in his hands “How?”

“Do I need to draw you a diagram?” She smiled “You were there..”

He grinned and placed kisses all over her face.

“You and me…And a baby…” 

His voice cracked, there were tears in his big brown eyes.

“The littlest Murdock..” 

He was crying, and now she was too.

Odd how both ends of the emotional spectrum end in tears. 

“You’ve made me ruin my makeup..” she whipped her tears on her sleeves 

“Ruin it..who cares? You’ve got a new life forming inside you..” he looked concerned again “and I spun you around…like an idiot.”

“I’m fine, I’m not made of glass, Doc.”

“You ain’t but the little one is…no more cigarettes..or riding your bike….or beer or cheap roadside burgers…” 

“So no more fun?”

A serious look crossed his face, the fake stern look he got when he was about to say something so out of character for him it became a joke.

“Nope, no fun.” He was doing a German accent “You will be locked in this house and given 24/7 surveillance.”

“Do I still get kisses?” She batted her eyelashes “Or are those against the new rules, commandant?”

“You may have one.” He held up his pointer finger “This once.” 

He kissed her, soft and warm, all her stress melted away, They were going to be a family.

God help that poor kid.

[painted-piggy-ships-archive]

Slice of Life

Betelgeuse x Hannibal Fawley

Word Count: 1520

Tag List: @heavenshipped @fangedwife @the-rocknroll-cryptid @cherry-bomb-ships

Summary: Slice of life in my domestic au! :o) Ft. fankids Altair, Crux, and Spider Lily

Warnings: Babies and pregnancy mention, empty ideation of suicide (in an annoyed context, idk how common the phrase “if such and such happens I’d shoot myself” is but I’ve heard it a few times before and decided it fit in this context), a somewhat rude principal, bug mentions.

REBLOGS > COMMENTS > LIKES - Thanks for reading!

The Fawley household was far from average. It consisted of Hannibal Fawley, otherwise known as Bill in less formal settings, his husband, a poltergeist known as Betelgeuse, and their three children; Spider Lily, the adopted, eldest, human daughter, age six, and Crux and Altair, half-geist twins, only a few months old at this time.

Hannibal’s income came from stories he wrote, and Betelgeuse worked as a “bio-exorcist,” an exterminator of the living, for the sanity of the dead. Spider Lily was of course attending elementary school, where Hannibal occasionally volunteered as well. It was never a dull moment in this family and they, mostly, happily made do.

Hannibal was washing dishes, his babes in a sling under his chest, fast asleep as he quietly worked, when his phone rang. He slipped it out of his pocket and quickly answered it, trying his best not to disturb the twins.

“Yello?”

“Hey, babes, it’s me. The shuttle’s clogged to the Netherworld and back, I might be a bit late getting home.” Betelgeuse’s pleasantly gravelly voice came through.

Hannibal sighed. He knew he couldn’t exactly control the times souls had to do their afterlife jobs, but tonight really wasn’t the best night to get stuck like this.

“Beej, we have a meeting with Spider’s principal tonight.”

“Shit, tonight??”

“I told you yesterday. And this morning.”

“How about I meet you at the school??”

“5:30. If you’re not there by 5:35 I guess I’m going in by myself.”

“C’mon, Hanni, don’t be like that, y’know I’d be there in two spits of a coroner’s flame if I could!” Betelgeuse paused. “... So the hell are we talking to her principal for again?”

Hannibal shrugged, shifting his phone to the opposite ear. “Not sure. Maybe it’s something to do with grades.”

“She’s in elementary school for JC’s sake, how the fuck are they going to grade coloured-pencil drawings???”

Hannibal glanced at the time. “I don’t know. If you can make it, you’ll find out, now I’ve got to go pick her up. I love you.” Hannibal made a pronounced kiss into the phone, to which Betelgeuse responded with the same.

“Love you, too, sweetcheeks.”

Hannibal hung up and quickly fed Crux and Altair so they wouldn’t get fussy on the car ride, before changing his shirt and setting out to pick up his daughter.

~~~

“Gods dammit, Beej,” Hannibal cursed to himself as he waited by his car with his daughter. He had left the twins home with a trusted sitter, and as his watch struck 5:35, Betelgeuse had not yet arrived. He took a breath, smoothed down his hair and clothes, then took his daughter’s hand and walked into the school.

“Ah, Mr. Fawley, I’m delighted you could make it,” Miss Calls, the principal of Spider Lily’s school, greeted and stood as Hannibal entered her office. He nodded and shook her hand.

“And I’m delighted I could find a sitter,” he joked, “should Spider be in for this?”

“If she would like to be.”

“No.” Spider Lily almost immediately stated. Hannibal smiled slightly and got down to her level.

“Alright. Do you want to wait in the main office? I saw some toys and books you can use to entertain yourself for now.”

Spider Lily nodded and Hannibal took her back out of Miss Calls’ office, before returning and taking a seat.

“Is your husband not joining us?”

“He’s just running a bit late is all-”

The door opened and Betelgeuse entered, having put on a human disguise that looked much like his regular self, but with a lively skin tone, a lack of mold and moss, and thicker hair. However, he still dressed like a suspicious cars salesman, and it took all of Hannibal’s willpower not to introduce his palm to his forehead in that moment.

“Sorry I’m late, horrible traffic,” Betelgeuse took Miss Calls’ hand and shook it much more enthusiastically compared to Hannibal.

“Ah, well, I’m just glad you’re here,” Miss Calls smiled as Betelgeuse took a seat beside his husband. “I don’t think I ever got your name…?”

“Beetle.”

“Beetle… Fawley?”

“My parents were… eccentrics, to say the least,” Betelgeuse chuckled as Hannibal regained his composure. Misses Calls nodded and reclaimed the seat behind her desk.

“Let us discuss why I’ve called you here… your daughter’s teachers are… concerned, about her.”

“Oh??”

“She’s very quiet in class, but she seems to like terrorizing other children on the playground with bugs and very strange stories…”

Betelgeuse chuckled again, knowing at least in part the bugs were probably his influence, but stopped when Hannibal cleared his throat.

“That sounds pretty harmless to me. I was a quiet kid, and I certainly had quite the imagination… who’s to say she’s any different?” Hannibal inquired. He was slightly annoyed they had been gathered for this of all things. Spider Lily had a tendency to be obvious when she was unhappy, and she hadn’t shown any of those signs recently.

“Her teachers are just concerned that she doesn’t really have any friends. They see her try, but there’s nobody she’s really connected with.”

“Not her fault. Maybe the little playground br-” Betelgeuse winced as Hannibal subtly and silently dug his heel into his husband’s foot as a warning. “I mean, maybe the little playground tykes ought to get to know her better before being so quick to judge.”

“I suppose you’re not incorrect.”

“So, what’s the plan? Her teachers are concerned, you called us here to talk, what do you propose we do for Spider so she has more opportunities to make friends? I don’t suppose elementary school has clubs.” Hannibal mused, wanting to cut this meeting short.

“We were thinking, and don’t take this the wrong way Mr. Fawley, you could help her with social skills? It’s clear that being around peers is not quite the right approach…”

Hannibal felt himself grow livid from the insinuation he wasn’t trying his absolute goddamn best to raise Spider Lily in the most safe, educational, and loving environment possible, considering the circumstances of her parents. Betelgeuse noticed the aggravated straightening of his husband’s spine and put a soothing hand on his knee. As much as he’d love to watch Hannibal chew the principal out for her careless words, he knew it wouldn’t help the situation much.

“Well, that’s a fine request, Mrs. Calls.” He spoke calmly with a dangerous undertone. “But don’t you think we’re trying our best at home? I don’t think there’s much we can do to help this situation, at least until Spider Lily finds somebody who likes creepy-crawlies as much as she does.”

Betelgeuse stood, taking Hannibal’s hand so he stood as well. “If Spider wasn’t happy, we’d know. And if we found out it was because of your or one of your employee’s negligence, you’d fuckin’ know, too.”

Betelgeuse’s snake eyes flickered through his disguise in his frustration, making the principal’s hair stand on end.

“Have a nice evening,” Hannibal spoke softer than his husband, tired. Betelgeuse led them out of the office, taking his daughter’s hand as well as they all went back to the car.

“Am I in trouble?” Spider Lily asked.

“No, of course not!” Betelgeuse and Hannibal said in near unison.

“Rollie-pollie, you’re not having any trouble making friends at school, right?” Hannibal asked over the back of his seat. Spider shook her head.

“Some of the boys help me look for bugs at recess. I don’t know many kids’ names, but some are nice to me.”

“Are any of ‘em mean?” Betelgeuse’s disguise melted away as he drove his family home.

“No… but they’re scared of me.”

“Well, so long as you’re not unhappy…”

“I’m not.”

Hannibal smiled. “Then you just make friends at your own pace, alright?”

“Okay.”

“Who wants ice cream before we get home?” Betelgeuse asked. Hannibal contemplated telling him no, it was a bit late for Spider to be having anything sweet, but instead he caved. They all deserved something sweet tonight, to take the edge off things.

~~~

When the trio got home and Spider Lily was set to bed, all Hannibal could do was strip down to his undershirt and boxers and bury himself in Betelgeuse’s side on their bed. He hadn’t undressed yet, but had his shirt unbuttoned and his tie undone.

“Tuckered out?” He growled lowly and sweetly to his partner.

“You have no idea. Gods, I hate the school board. If I have to mingle with another Susan, Debbie, or hell forbid Karen at another fucking bake sale I’ll shoot myself.”

Empty words. Betelgeuse smiled at Hannibal’s venting.

“You wouldn’t trade the kids to be rid of it, would you, though.”

Hannibal allowed himself a short chuckle. “‘Course not. Love them damn kids. The two I birthed myself, with my own manly hoo-ha, and the daughter we adopted because nobody else would.”

Betelgeuse coaxed Hannibal’s head out from under his arm and placed a sweet kiss on his lips.

“That’s the Bill I know.”

Hannibal dragged his fingers through Betelgeuse’s tangled hair, already much more relaxed compared to before. “I love you, Beej.”

“I love you, too, darlin’.”

[slasherkisss]

WELCOME BAAAACK AHHHHH IVE MISSED YOU!

Could I have a matchup please? I'm a gay guy, out of college, I have more freckles than I know what to do with, and the brightest baby blues you've ever seen. I love theatre and acting, but I hate theatre kids.

I have an intense passion for researching ancient medicine and food, specifically the medieval period.

I spend a lot of my time either writing speculative fiction, researching, or working (as a volunteering, traveling to different vaccine sites)

I put on a happy, cheerful front for people, because my true self is tired, quiet, and monotone (still the same passion and personality, but I hide that bc people think I'm sick or depressed if I don't). Pretending to be perky and bubbly doesn't bother me though, it's pretty much second nature.

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I ship you with...

Hannibal Lecter

Hannibal has an appreciation for your research and enjoyment of ancient medicine. But ESPECIALLY for ancient food. I can see the two of you finding old recipes and meals and recreating them with modern, rustic ingredients. Likewise, as a psychologist he can see through your more perky facade and isn’t bothered by your quiet, monotone true self. You can be whatever you want to be around him and he won’t judge you or treat you any different. He’ll support your research and traveling in any way he can (mostly with money, but emotionally as well) and has a genuine enjoyment of your company. 

Other Possible Ships: Herman Carter/The Doctor, Michael Myers/The Shape

[breannacasey]

Fic Masterpost

Since I just made it to 100 posted works on my ao3 since I created it in January 2014, I thought I’d make a masterpost on here of all of them to celebrate. Also, shameless self promo. I’ll also include some of my upcoming things, because they would make it 100 without counting the translations.

I’ll put them by fandom and in the order I started writing for each fandom. And I’ll put a  ⭐ next to my personal favourites. And 🌟 for my faves of faves.

Fandoms I’ve written for in alphabetical order: 911, 911 Lone Star, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Criminal Minds, Hannibal, Harry Potter, House md, Leverage, Limitless, Lucifer, New Amsterdam, Prodigal Son, Sherlock, Supergirl, Supernatural, White Collar

Total per rating: General (21), Teen and Up (72), Mature (7)

Total per warning: No Archive Warning Applies (85), Chose Not To Use Warnings (1), Major Character Death (10), Graphic Depictions of Violence (3), Rape/Non-Con (1)

Supernatural (10 works)

Let Me Go (series, 2 works, 1 354 words, Teen) Castiel/Dean Winchester: Dean Winchester struggles with suicidal thoughts.

A Crowley Valentine (one shot, 1 899 words, Gen) Castiel/Dean Winchester: It’s Valentine’s Day and Crowley is tired of Dean and Cas not admitting that they’re in love with each other so he decides to take action.

Never Stop Fighting (multi chapter, 9 chapters, 21 274 words, Teen, Graphic Depictions of Violence) Castiel/Dean Winchester, Lucifer/Original Female Character: The brothers go investigate a weird occurrence but they end up rescuing someone who might be able to help them fight Metatron and put heaven back in business. But could she have an agenda of her own?

Demon Love (one shot, 1 117 words, Teen) Castiel/Dean Winchester: Dean uses his demon powers not exactly in the deadly way Crowley had hoped.

There’ll Be Peace When You Are Done (one shot, 1 076 words, Gen, Major Character Death) Castiel/Dean Winchester: Dean dies and goes to heaven

A Different Kind Of Family (one shot, 1 455 words, Teen) Castiel/Dean Winchester: Sam and Dean go on a hunt for what turns out to be zombies.

A Good Combo (multi chapter, 5 chapters, 11 680 words, Teen, Pizza Place AU) Castiel/Dean Winchester and more: Castiel meets Dean at a weird time in his life. He just got out of a relationship and, with the death of one of his siblings, he isn’t sure if he is ready to jump into another one just yet.

Please Stay With Me (one shot, 906 words, Gen) Castiel/Dean Winchester: Set some time after 11X04 “Baby”, Castiel is still staying in the bunker, resting and getting better, but the brothers are barely ever there and Dean won’t even stay in the same room with him.

+ one crossover

Criminal Minds (3 works)

Prentiss’ Secret (one shot, 1 209 words, Teen) Aaron Hotchner/Emily Prentiss: Prentiss left the BAU to work in London. Now she’s coming back to help them, but she has a secret.

Outside The Comfort Of Innocence (one shot, 1 354 words, Teen) Aaron Hotchner/Emily Prentiss : As a kid, Emily Prentiss and her family move in next door to the Hotchners. Hotch and Prentiss grow up best friends, but a dark secret brings the real world into their childhood. ⭐

Everybody Loves Halloween (one shot, 991 words, Gen) Aaron Hotchner/Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau/Will LaMontagne: Emily comes for Halloween and the Hotchners go trick-or-treating with the LaMontagnes.

Sherlock (8 works)

Filling The Holes (series, 6 works, 8 960 words, Gen, Teen and Mature, Major Character Death) Sherlock Holmes/Jim Moriarty: This is a series that goes on in the spaces between what we see on the show. It takes place after Reichenbach Fall. ⭐

John Watson’s Missing Wednesday (one shot, 854 words, Teen) Sherlock Holmes/Jim Moriarty: At the wedding, Sherlock mentioned a time when John missed an entire wednesday without even noticing, what happened that day?

The Dead Are Busy Too (one shot, 618 words, Gen) Sherlock Holmes/Jim Moriarty: Nearly two years after the events of Reichenbach Fall, Moriarty’s network is close to being a thing of the past.

Harry Potter (20 works)

1998, or the year everything changed (series, 18 works, 77 224 words, Gen, Teen and Mature, Major Character Death) Various ships: A series taking place the months following the Battle of Hogwarts. Each story focuses on a different character, but they all interlock with one another. (aka I didn’t like the epilogue so I made my own.) ⭐

Light in the Darkest of Times (one shot, 742 words, Teen) Luna Lovegood/Ginny Weasley: Feeling his constant support of Harry Potter in his magazine might cause the Death Eaters to try something, Xenophilius has Luna stay in Hogwarts for the holidays, thinking she’d be safe there. But things aren’t the same in the castle since Dumbledore’s death.

The Potion Master’s Daughter (multi chapter, 14 chapters, 67 001 words, Teen, Major Character Death) Luna Lovegood/Original Female Character and more: Severus Snape had a daughter several years ago. A year behind the famous Harry Potter, she’ll navigate her years at Hogwarts, punctuated with all kinds of events, like the opening of the Chamber of Secrets, the Triwizard Tournament and Voldemort’s return. 🌟

Hannibal (1 work)

Love and Dogs (one shot, 137 words, Gen) Will Graham/Hannibal Lecter: Hannibal wakes up at Will’s place

Limitless (10 works)

Screw, Marry, No Kill (one shot, 1 317 words, Teen) Brian Finch/Ike, Brian Finch/Mike: Brian thought having a one night stand with a coworker wasn’t a big deal, but not everyone had the same opinion.

Distracting Thoughts (one shot, 1 508, Teen) Brian Finch/Ike: Brian takes too much NZT and suddenly gains the ability to hear thoughts.

Keep You Safe (one shot, 832 words, Teen) Brian Finch/Ike: Set during 1x22 Finale: Part Two!! With Brian under side effects from the NZT, Ike worries for the man’s life.

Undercover! Again! (one shot, 2 601 words, Teen) Brian Finch/Ike: Brian and Ike are sent on an undercover mission, but things don’t exactly go as planned.

Rebecca Harris’s One Sick (Valentine’s) Day (one shot, 1 137 words, Gen) Rebecca Harris/Lucy Church: Rebecca was about to head off to work, but when a surprise visitor shows up at her door, she has another idea.

The Influence A Person Can Have (multi chapter, 3 chapters, 10 340 words, Teen) Brian Finch/Eli Whitford, Brian Finch/Ike: Sometimes, you meet one person and it changes your whole life. Everything else after that would’ve been different. For Brian, it all comes back to that moment he met Eli. It seems some people are simply meant to enter your life at the right moment, to stir you in the right direction. From figuring out who he is to falling in love for the first time to getting his life together and even meeting the love of his life, Brian’s life wouldn’t have been the same. 🌟

A Little Bit of Ice and Rube Goldberg (one shot, 1 875 words, Teen) Brian Finch/Ike: When freezing rain takes over the city, everyone goes home while it’s still safe outside. Brian insists on finishing what he’s working on, forcing both he and Ike to stay alone in the office to weather the storm.

Fulfilled, Not Finished (one shot, 4 861 words, Teen, Major Character Death) Brian Finch/Ike: When the squad finds a potential witness for their case, Ike volunteers himself and Brian to go check it out. But things take a dark turn. ⭐

Curve Ball Field (one shot, 7 196 words, Teen) Brian Finch: When Brian gets kidnapped for ransom, the CJC isn’t clear on how to handle the situation, or how to reassure his family. 🌟

+ one crossover

House (2 works)

Lean On Me (one shot, 1 414 words, Teen, Major Character Death) Gregory House/James Wilson: A short evolution of House and Wilson’s relationship, from their first meeting to their last. ⭐

Don’t You Know I Care? (one shot, 1 364 words, Teen) Gregoy House/James Wilson: House ended up in a hospital bed, again, but this time the familiar face of Wilson is missing from his bedside.

Supergirl (4 works)

My Hero (one shot, 650 words, Gen) Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor: When Lena gets pushed off her balcony, Supergirl is there to rescue her once again.

When It Starts (one shot, 1 908 words, Gen) Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor: Lena loves being Kara’s friend, but she wouldn’t say no to being more than that.

Hero in Need of Saving (one shot, 2 180 words, Teen) Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor: When a gunman shows up at Catco, Kara gets hurt and ends up stuck in the elevator with Lena and some kryptonite. ⭐

If I Could Find The Way Up (multi chapters, 3 chapters, 4 959 words, Teen) Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor: Lena Luthor is depressed and she doesn’t understand what she calls an obsession for Kara Danvers. Kara who keeps cutting their time together short, maybe on purpose. Lena is struggling to deal with all that pain she feels inside and trying to figure out what she feels around Kara might mean.

Lucifer (1 work)

Grow On Me (one shot, 4 051 words, Mature, College AU) Lucifer Morningstar, Marcus Pierce: Lucifer and Marcus are college roommates. When Lucifer learns Marcus doesn’t have plans for the holidays, he convinces him to come to a cabin with him and pretend to be his boyfriend to get his siblings off his back. ⭐

Prodigal Son (7 works)

Bright Ideas (one shot, 3 560 words, Teen, Graphic Depictions of Violence) Malcolm Bright/JT Tarmel: Because Malcolm is Malcolm, he goes after a suspect on his own and gets taken. And then JT helps.

Unleashed (multi chapter, 8 chapters, 53 452 words, Mature, Graphic Depictions of Violence) Gil Arroyo & Malcolm Bright, Malcolm Bright & Martin Whitly, Gil Arroyo & Martin Whitly, Gil Arroyo/Jessica Whitly: Martin Whitly has escaped. He is finally free to get back at those who have hurt him. Everyone is anxious for him to be found and locked up again. And worried about what he might be planning to do. 🌟

On An Island (one shot, 1 704 words, Teen) Malcolm Bright: While on vacation, Malcolm finds he misses home and reflects on the past.

Shivers and Soup (one shot, 1 340 words, Gen) Malcolm Bright & Dani Powell, Malcolm Bright & Ainsley Whitly, Dani Powell/Ainsley Whitly: Malcolm has a cold and is sent home

Hold You Close (one shot, 2 077 words, Teen) Dani Powell/Ainsley Whitly: Ainsley gets injured while covering the team’s latest case and Dani decides to check on her.

Only One Safe (one shot, 2 609 words, Teen) Dani Powell/Ainsley Whitly, Malcolm Bright & Ainsley Whitly:  When blackouts spread across the city, Malcolm’s friends lock him up to make sure he won’t get himself into trouble. He worries about everyone else.

+ one crossover

911 Lone Star (12 works)

Stranded in Smoke (one shot, 2 339 words, Teen) Carlos Reyes/TK Strand, Owen Strand & TK Strand: During a fire, the floor collapses under TK’s feet, his radio stops working and he finds himself completely separated from the rest of the crew.

There For You (one shot, 1 235 words, Gen) Carlos Reyes/TK Strand: When Carlos doesn’t show up to work and cancels their plans, TK wants to make sure he’s okay.

Not Your Choice (one shot, 3 236 words, Teen) Carlos Reyes/TK Strand: A man holds up TK’s therapist office and Carlos is the officer sent in to deal with it.

My Only Sunshine (one shot, 2 553 words, Teen) Carlos Reyes/TK Strand: Carlos gets hurt while pursuing a suspect and, despite Michelle’s advice, he insists he’s fine and doesn’t need to go to the hospital. He is wrong.⭐

Late Night Bruises (one shot, 2 385 words, Teen) Carlos Reyes/TK Strand: TK gets himself into trouble, but Carlos is there to help.

Classic Happiness (one shot, 1 021 words, Teen) Carlos Reyes/TK Strand: TK invites Carlos over to the house for their first actual date.

Don’t Leave Me (one shot, 2 384 words, Teen, Major Character Death) Owen Strand & TK Strand, Carlos Reyes/TK Strand: TK had been the one unconscious, on the edge of death before, and he knew it had to hurt for those around him, but he never fully understood what it felt like until he was the one standing over someone he cared deeply about, begging for them to wake up.

A Long Day (one shot, 4 245 words, Teen) Carlos Reyes/TK Strand, Marjan Marwani & Paul Strickland, Marjan Marwani & TK Strand: Some days, nothing truly bad happens, but without anything good either, small things pile up and drag you down.

Pain Leaves Traces (multi chapter, 3 chapters, 5 958 words, Teen) Carlos Reyes/TK Strand, Owen Strand & TK Strand: TK is getting closer to Carlos, but there is still a part of himself he’d rather he didn’t know about.

Stay Behind, Make A Friend (one shot, 524 words, Gen) Carlos Reyes & Paul Strickland: Paul is alone at the firehouse when Carlos shows up, so they hang out.

Another Heart Robbery (one shot, 4 886 words, Teen) Carlos Reyes/TK Strand: When the building he’s robbing catches fire, Carlos thinks he’s the most unlucky man on Earth. Then comes a very handsome firefighter.  🌟

Off Balance (multi chapter, in progress, 8/10 chapters, 10 399 words and counting, Teen) Carlos Reyes/TK Strand, Carlos Reyes & Michelle Blake: What Carlos thinks is a simple cut, turns out to be much worse. 🌟

Leverage (4 works)

The Past Job (one shot, 1 565 words, Mature, Rape/Non-Con) Damien Moreau/Eliot Spencer: Damien Moreau learns Eliot wants to leave his organisation. He decides to deal with it himself, and why not enjoy it while he’s at it. ⭐

The Protection Job (one shot, 1 785 words, Teen) Alec Hardison/Parker/Eliot Spencer: Eliot falls off a roof during a job, leaving Parker and Hardison unprotected. ⭐

+ two crossovers

911 (15 works)

In My Heart (one shot, 2 410 words, Teen) Evan Buckley/Eddie Diaz: While on a call, Buck gets exposed to a toxic substance and it makes Eddie put things into perspective.

Worry, Worry, Worry (one shot, 3 238 words, Teen) Evan Buckley/Eddie Diaz: No matter how many times Buck gets told that he will be safe, when Eddie accepts to be serial killer bait, Buck worries about him. ⭐

Who’s First? (one shot, 1 322 words, Gen) Evan Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Howie Han & Hen Wilson: Hen and Chimney bet on who, between Buck and Eddie, will be the one to make the first move.

A Gay Old Time at the Mini Golf (one shot, 2 004 words, Teen) Hen Wilson/Karen Wilson, Evan Buckley & Hen Wilson & Karen Wilson & Michael Grant: When Buck gets woken up by the sounds of people in his apartment, he doesn’t expect the day to turn out so fun.

When Things Are Bad, Better To Laugh It Off (one shot, 1 525 words, Teen) Howie Han & Tommy Kinard, Howie Han & Hen Wilson: The story of how Howie Han became Chimney.

His First Choice (one shot, 1 209 words, Teen) Evan Buckley/Eddie Diaz: Buck feels lonely, like everyone around him has a family, someone who cares about them more than anything, but he doesn’t. Turns out he is wrong. ⭐ 

Always Come By (one shot, 1 196 words, Gen) Evan Buckley & Bobby Nash: Bobby’s afternoon alone is cut short when a sad Buck shows up at his doorstep. ⭐ 

Beautifully Cold (one shot, 1 463 words, Gen) Bobby Nash & Grant Family, Athena Grant/Bobby Nash: The Grant-Nash family goes on a trip to Minnesota in the middle of winter.

Give Her The Comfort She Needs (multi chapter, 2 chapters, 2 912 words, Teen) Evan Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan Buckley/Eddie Diaz: Eddie, Buck and Christopher are having a morning like many others when Maddie shows up to take her brother to a funeral he doesn’t seem keen on attending.

Let Me Take Care Of You (one shot, 596 words, Gen) Maddie Buckley/Howie Han: Maddie is sick and Chimney takes care of her.

Loving Exasperation (one shot, 571 words, Gen) Evan Buckley & Maddie Buckley: Maddie comes home for Thanksgiving during her first semester of college. ⭐

At Least We Have Each Other (one shot, 666 words, Teen, Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings) Howie Han & Karen Wilson: Something happened to Hen during a call and Chimney is the one to deliver the news to Karen.

Wait Happy (one shot, 650 words, Gen) Maddie Buckley/Howie Han: After they learn about it themselves, Chimney and Maddie have to wait to tell the others about the pregnancy.

Gratefully Together (one shot, 632 words, Gen) May Grant & Michael Grant: Michael helps May move into her dorm room.

Barbie Boy (one shot, 618 words, Mature) Evan Buckley/Eddie Diaz: Buck’s karaoke performance has quite the effect on Eddie

Crossovers

Supernatural and Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Nobody Picked The Family Business (multi chapter, 6 chapters, 14 796 words, Teen) Dawn Summers/Sam Winchester, Tara Maclay/Willow Rosenberg, Spike/Buffy Summers, Castiel/Dean Winchester: When Sam doesn’t get a scholarship to Stanford, John lets him go to UC Sunnydale, hoping all the stuff going on there will convince him to keep hunting.⭐

White Collar, Leverage and Limitless:

The Grey Area Job (multi chapter, 4 chapters, 15 992 words, Teen) Neal Caffrey/Eliot Spencer, Sophie Devereaux/Nate Ford, Alec Hardison/Parker, Brian Finch/Ike: When he and Peter encounter a particularly complicated case, Neal calls his friend, Sophie Devereaux, for help.

White Collar and Leverage:

The Informant Job (one shot, 2 675 words, Teen) Neal Caffrey/Eliot Spencer: While searching a warehouse, Eliot finds himself in a situation he wasn’t expecting.

Prodigal Son and New Amsterdam:

Stay Right Here (one shot, 5 129 words, Teen) Malcolm Bright, Iggy Frome: After being kidnapped, Malcolm ends up at New Amsterdam to get treated for his injuries.⭐

Traductions

Du Poison (vf de Poison, Supernatural)

Je Tiens à Toi (vf de Don’t You Know I Care?, House)

Quelqu’un Sur Qui Compter (vf de Lean On Me, House)

Une Vie que Personne ne Choisit (vf de Nobody Picked The Family Business, Supernatural, Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Soon

Henren Week: Everything I Need (one shot, 534 words, Gen) Hen Wilson/Karen Wilson: Hen and Karen enjoy a quiet day off together. ⭐ 

Buddie Week: Good Things Don’t Come Easy (one shot, 1 272 words, Teen) Evan Buckley/Eddie Diaz: Eddie couldn’t fall for someone like Evan Buckley, but the heart hardly ever listens to logic. ⭐

Buddie Week: How To Handle Friendship With Smart Idiots (one shot, 836 words, Teen) Evan Buckley/Eddie Diaz: Carla is tired of watching Buck and Eddie being oblivious about their feelings for each other, so she decides to get involved.

Tarlos Week: The Best Farmer’s Market Find (one shot, 810 words, Gen) Carlos Reyes/TK Strand, Carlos Reyes & Owen Strand: TK wakes up to the sounds of his dad making breakfast, not alone. ⭐

Owen Strand Week: Snow Day in Austin (one shot, 1 060 words, Gen) Owen Strand & TK Strand: Owen has been feeling down and missing the New York winter, but he has an amazing son.

Evan Buckley Week: Under The Stars (one shot, 532 words, Gen) Evan Buckley & Christopher Diaz: Buck and Christopher go camping. 

[markoftheasphodel]

So I had an epiphany this weekend. I was dealing with with the latest round of concern-trolly “if you call people racist and deplorable then they’ll vote for Tr*mp again” and given my current line of work, I fuckin’ snapped.

People who have been active for reproductive rights and reproductive justice have been called terrible things for years. Murderers, babykillers, satanists, perverts. They-- WE-- have been accused of practicing eugenics and genocide, of murdering newborns at birth, and of even worse things.

And yet, NARAL and NOW and Planned Parenthood and EMILY’s List have never rolled out a platform of Satan worship. Their employees do not habitually become NICU nurses so they can go around injecting frail newborns with salt. Their volunteers do not decide en masse “Welp, I’m a murderer, guess I’d better go shoot up an OB/GYN ward.” We do not hold flash mobs to lock the doors of churches, set the place on fire, and rip the unborn from their mothers’ wombs as everything burns.

For some reason, calling someone a murderer for ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years does not make a murderer of them if they are, in fact, opposed to actual child murder. Telling them lies about their ideology to their face year in, year out, does not make them into a reflection of those lies.

So, why does calling some white American a “racist” or a “deplorable” make them embrace a raging white supremacist candidate? You get one guess.

But that’s not the epiphany. I’ve argued for years that Tr*mp supporters are racist and white supremacist and generally garbage and that all the excuses like “economic anxiety” are bad-faith excuses. No, the epiphany is how this all ties into fandom and the current climate of “antis” or whatever the hell you want to call them.

I am not going to argue that fiction never influences culture and the people in that culture. Psychology, biology, criminal justice, history, emergency room medicine and more have been distorted in the minds of most US citizens, if not worldwide citizens, because of how everything from “recovered memories” to DNA testing to CPR to god-damned LEMMINGS have been treated by the media. But there’s a huge gap from that to the policing of “uncomfy relationships” and all the other shit that contemporary fans do within fandom, amateur enthusiast to amateur enthusiast.

There’s that post I love that points out “if you tell fans of Hannibal about romanticized cannibalism being a bad influence they will just kick you because they know they’re not cannibals.” Same goes for my beloved fandom of The Terror. It’s a damn good fandom and I have yet to hear anyone’s been arrested for killing Englishmen and eating their buttcheeks just because The Terror had a sneaky-cute bad guy lead his mates down the trail into cannibalism. People who aren’t, get this, cannibals are not going to start eating human flesh because of a TV show. We might start wearing knit sweaters or using archaic slang here and there, but we’re not eating each other or offering up sacrifices to polar bears.

And yet, the antis bang away on the drum about rape and pedophilia and romanticized abuse and the terrible things that await one who falls prey to impure fiction, as though mere exposure over to “uncomfy” portrayals of human dynamics creates rapists and pedophilies... or worse, retroactively makes them so, because nobody who already wasn’t a rapist or a pedophile or an abuser could possibly enjoy these things in fiction. 

(Just like no one could support Planned Parenthood without actively being in favor of dismembering babies, amirite)

So, I ask you: What’s on their hard drives? What’s in their diaries? What, exactly, ARE these people?

I suspect they’re nascent Deplorables, no matter what trendy left-of-center buzzwords they use right now. The CSA obsession appears to track. The purity obsession tracks. A lot of it tracks. I wonder where they’ll be in twenty years, and then I remember the time my spouse did some IT work for a pillar of the pro-life “more Catholic than the pope himself” community in town and found the dude’s hard drive was filled with bestiality images.

(And the worst part was, they said, the family owned a dog)

But at base yeah, I now believe a substantial portion of antis are into non-con, into whatever the hell they categorize as “pedophilia,” into romanticized abuse, into the whole shebang they obsess over, because nothing else makes sense.

Because being called a babykiller doesn’t make you kill babies, and watching The Terror doesn’t make you a cannibal. But being a racist and a white supremacist sure does lead one to support Trump. And being “uncomfy” with your own kinks, your own impure impulses, your own perversions? I think you can fill in the dots.

[tippitv]

RECAP: Supernatural 15.03 “The Rupture”

Watching episode three and I finally understand the warding logistics better now. Note that just because I understand it better doesn’t mean I think it makes any kind of sense.

So it seems the “mile wide salt circle” encompasses both the town and the cemetery. Like the entire town and entire cemetery and the space in between them is somehow less than a mile wide as seen in the shitty map I made in MS paint last week.  

This is poppycock of course. It’s also bizarre that somehow all these demons and ghosts didn’t manage to spread any further out than that in the hours in took the Winchesters et al to evacuate the town and for Belphegor to perform the spell.

I’m so distracted by this that it’s hard for me to suspend my disbelief.

Rowena tries to reinforce the warding but there are too many ghosts attacking it. More ghosts keep spewing out of the ground. I think it’s weird that Hell is an actual physical place somewhere under the Earth’s crust while Heaven seems to be some kind of otherworldly dimension that looks like an Apple store.

Rowena’s feeling very defeated. Ruth Connell is doing a much better job than the crummy ghosts we've seen so far would seem to warrant. Her acting makes them seem scary and the situation desperate, whereas the writing for the actual ghost characters is...meh. Dean wants to go fight the ghosts but like… there’s really nothing to be done. Shooting them with iron or rock salt only works for a few minutes at most. To make any dent, you'd need all the salt in the Hannibal fandom after NBC canceled it. Shout out to my Fannibals!

I still think somebody needs to be thinking about contacting Billie. Reapers take souls to their great reward or their eternal punishment, I feel like they’d have some useful input. Plus I just want to see Billie again because Lisa Berry is dreamy.

Also Belphegor is such a weaselly jerk about the whole thing. I won't miss that guy. He's the Martin Shkrelli of demons. Shout out to everyone who hates jacked up pharmaceutical prices!

Sam says they're out of ideas. That's because y'all haven't sat around reading books out loud to each other for half an episode! 

Jack mentions something called "Lilith's Crook." Ah, Martin Shkrelli again. He has to explain it's that curved stick thing shepherds use while everyone is being ignorant. "Thing's actually more of a horn," he says. She designed it to control demons on Earth while she was in Hell. You'd think that kind of thing would've come up when Lilith was topside but no! Also there really should've been a call back to that. "You know Lilith... you killed her to let Lucifer out?" That kind of thing.

They work out a plan for Belph to summon the demons and ghosts back to Hell and the Rowena can heal the big spewing fistula in the earth. She wants Sam to assist her, which makes me

Dean coolly volunteers Castiel to accompany Belph. "You've been to Hell before." Cas should've been like, "Yeah to grip your ass tight and raise it from Perdition!" Also how's he supposed to get out again?

Aw jeez here's Ketch in his hospital room. I hope the only reason he's in this episode is to die. The nurse doesn't want to clear him for discharge so a pretty doctor walks in and kills her with a telekinetic neck snap. And that's why we have a nursing shortage in this country! Oh the doctor is Ardat, the demon who hired Ketch to kill Belph.

Fisticuffs ensue even though she could just pin him in place with demonic power. When he refuses to give up the Winchesters, she rips out his heart and shows it to him. He Pikachu faces at her.

I mean, did she really need to ask him? Wouldn't the most likely place be the mile-wide anti-ghost dome? She texts Dean pretending to be Ketch.

Belphegor goads Castiel about his friends sacrificing him, so Cas pushes him down into the ghost fistula. Lol. It doesn't shut him up for long, though. As they wander around Hell, Belph continues to sow the seeds of doubt. Anyway, opening the chest that contains the Doohickey of the Week requires Castiel to sing an Enochian song of praise, but we cut away on the third note. BOO.

Also, having now met Lucifer the whiny petulant manbaby, it's really hard to understand why Lilith or anyone would be so devout for so long. Maybe it's because he was locked in the cage so they didn't actually experience a lot of his pouting. It's all I can think of.

Before Castiel can hand over the Doohickey, Ardat knocks him out of the way. She looks like Joanna Gaines. Maybe she IS Joanna Gaines!

Castiel and Ardat fight. She tries to warn him about Belphegor, but he pops up behind her and kills her with Cas's fallen angel blade. Now we'll never know what she was gonna say! I bet he ends up just blabbing it out himself in the time-honored tradition of villains talking too much.

Indeed, he goes on about how the crook/horn is actually a leash/siphon. This thing is the Swiss Army knife of Doohickeys. He's going to blow the horn and suck all the demons and ghosts into himself to gain their powers. "I'll be a god!"

So while Belph is blowing and sucking, Sam and Rowena and Dean are dirtside working the spell. Ghosts are zooming back down the hole like the Indiana Jones Ark of the Covenant scene in reverse. Castiel tackles Belph and punches him in the face a lot which seems like the equivalent of flicking a dandelion at a law mower to stop it.

Improbably, it hurts jazzed-up Belphegor enough that he pretends to be Jack again to get Cas to stop beating him. Castiel screws up all his angel power and somehow kills him even though there's a buttload of evil spirits in him. Jack's empty body burns like a Thanksgiving turkey left on broil all day.

The ground starts sealing up but something's wrong. Rowena uses a knife to gouge out a "resurrection sachet" she's been keeping buried under her skin. It's why she came back after Lucifer killed her, if you'll recall. It takes Sam a minute to catch on that she intends to sacrifice herself in one final spell. He has to be the one to kill her because prophecy and she can't bring herself to to it for a lot of good reasons.

Now, I don't understand here. She says she's going to absorb all the demons and ghosts, throw herself into Hell, and they'll be trapped. But... didn't Belphegor absorb them? Or a lot of them? I hate that Ruth is doing such a great job and this just feels like forced drama.

Speaking of forced drama. Castiel returns to the surface and tells Dean he killed Belphegor. This could be cleared up with a five second explanation but he makes a lot of pained faces while Dean berates him for ruining their one chance. Forced drama.

Sam reluctantly stabs her in the lower belly... you know, in the uterus area... and she becomes a vessel... with her uterus absorbing all the evil...

"Goodbye boys," she says as she Last of the Mohicans throws herself into the abyss.

Well, it's better than Charlie's death but I still don't like it.

All the surviving team members return to the bunker for the denouement. Sam is taking things pretty hard, which is to be expected, so Dean goes to check on him. "God threw one last apocalypse at us and we beat it," he says to baby bro. Oh honey.

Anyway we're all pretty sure Rowena's going to be running Hell now, right? RIGHT??

Now we come to the part where Dean and Castiel act out a bad soap opera scene. It's just a thin reason to get them to break up for a while. Maybe in the final season they couldn't work Misha into the budget for every episode or maybe the writers couldn't think of more for Castiel to do. So he's gotta go off and it couldn't just be because "you know my surrogate son just died and I need time." 

No it's gotta be all "you always screw up our plans!" and "you don't trust me!" and "are you hearing that romantically sad cello music or is it just me?" and "it's not just you but now I must leave GOOD BYE!"

Onward and upward, readers! Stay tuned for the next recap.

In the meantime, please reblog if you enjoyed this recap and drop by my Ko-Fi tip Jar if you're able. Henry Hound and I are perpetually trying to make ends meet and appreciate your help!

https://ko-fi.com/A4017DA

[douxreviews]

American Gods - ‘The Bone Orchard’ Review

"I love you. Something feels weird."

So, a television series adapted from the extraordinarily beloved novel by Neil Gaiman, as interpreted by Bryan Fuller, who gave us one of the best television shows of all time in Hannibal, and Michael Green, who wrote Green Lantern but is probably still a decent person and nice to babies and small animals.

So... no expectations then...

Starz' American Gods is a curious beast, brilliant and gorgeous and upsetting and strange. Based on a book first published in 2001, which was then substantially updated for its 10th anniversary edition, it still manages to be very much its own thing. With that in mind, it's worth a quick word up front:

I had never read American Gods, when I stumbled across the first episode of the series. I was mostly interested in it because I was a huge fan of both Neil Gaiman's Sandman comic and Bryan Fuller's Hannibal, and wanted to see how the two influences meshed together. For what it's worth, I actually also like Green Lantern, but that's not really relevant as I didn't make the Michael Green connection at the time.

Not having read the book, in my occasionally humble opinion, actually improves season one of the show. I have since read it, or to be more accurate listened to it on Audible, because it really was a very long wait between season one and two. To be honest, I sort of wish I hadn't, because the spiraling 'wtf'-ness – if I might coin a phrase – of encountering all this in a vacuum really heightens the viewing experience. Ah well, that ship has sailed for me now. In any case, this is my long-winded way of saying that we're going to be looking strictly at the show itself here without considering anything from the book. I have no idea what percentage of people watching the show have read the book or haven't, and I don't want to spoil anything for anyone with more self control than I have. So it would mean a great deal to me if we all could be cool about refraining from a lot of spoilers in the comments. Cool? Cool.

The first notable thing about the show is how beautiful it looks. This isn't really a surprise, as making bizarre and disturbing things look unsettlingly beautiful was kind of the entire reason that Hannibal existed, and nobody's better than Fuller at pulling that sort of thing off. The opening 'coming to America' scene with the Vikings is in equal measures incredibly funny, horrifying, and gorier than I would have expected them to get away with. Consider specifically the dismembered arm, still holding its sword, flying through the air and landing in the throat of the other Viking. Slapstick shouldn't work when there's that much viscera on screen, but it does here. And the loving care with which Fuller and co present scarlet and crimson blood as a three dimensional object moving through space is possibly the sign of something severely unhealthy in his emotional makeup. Honestly, it's just gorgeous.

Honestly, the opening sequence with the Vikings sets up the tone of the show absolutely perfectly.

Contrasted with this, the final sequence of Shadow's attempted lynching, and the slaughter of his assailants, whoever they were, by the person saving Shadow, whoever they were, is equally beautiful. If that's not an inappropriate word for the subject matter being shown. The deep midnight blue of the night, contrasted with the rich reds of the blood. Seriously, there are food commercials that haven't put in this much work to make what they're filming looks good.

And on the subject, so many hats off to the show for not shying away from the lynching. The basic setup of the show, as we get very lightly sketched in in the first episode, is that the old gods that were brought to the US by the people who came here and gradually forgotten are gearing up for a war with the new gods that replaced them. The Gods who represented things that modern Americans worship now. Gods like Technology, and television, and money and guns. We see what appears to be the God of Technology here, and he's an obnoxious, vaping jackass of a kid. Seems about right. We don't see anything about television here, but it was well advertised beforehand that Gillian Anderson would be appearing as Media. Money and guns are my own observation about 'things Americans worship.' So, that said, it was a brave decision to embrace the imagery of lynching, in a show focusing on the 'spirit(s) of America', it's brave of them to not shy away from the ugly parts.

The general upshot of the story is that our protagonist, a man by the name of Shadow Moon, is released from prison a few days earlier than he was supposed to be when his wife and his best friend are killed in a car accident together. On his way home to the funeral he encounters a strange man who identifies himself as Mr. Wednesday, who's played by the always-charming Ian McShane, who offers him a job as his driver and man-Friday. Along the way this week Shadow also meets Mad Sweeney, a surprisingly tall leprechaun played by the criminally underrated Pablo Schreiber, previously best known as 'Pornstache' on Orange is the New Black.

This, the opening episode of what is clearly going to be a long and involved multi-season multi-entangled story, presents us with a strong story hook in the form of Shadow, a few interesting mysteries in the form of Mr. Wednesday and Mad Sweeney, and a particularly graphic sex scene featuring a character named Bilquis, in which I saw more of character actor Joel Murray than I ever wanted to see. A very good first mile on what is clearly going to be a very long journey.

Quotes:

Wednesday: "I offer you the worm from my beak and you look at me like I f***ed your mom?"

Wednesday: "What should I call you if I was so inclined?" Shadow: "Shadow Moon." Wednesday: "Oh my boy, that is one outstandingly improbable name."

Wednesday: "Rigged games are the easiest to beat."

Shadow: "So how’d you do it?" Sweeney: "With Panache."

Audrey: "I am trying to get my dignity back here!"

Bits and Pieces:

-- Shadow said that he'd read 813 books in prison. That's also the year the Vikings arrived in the opening sequence. It's also, as Shadow points out, a Fibonacci number. Good on him for enjoying math.

-- Ian McShane does gleeful decadence very well.

-- The concept that faith makes airplanes stay in the air is genuinely terrifying to me. I'm afraid of flying as it is.

-- I didn't get into her in the review, but Audrey is by far my favorite character so far. She's damaged beyond the ability to function, but not so far that she doesn't know she's non-functional. That's an interesting space for a character.

-- Fuller and Green, according to the stories, wanted Shadow to accept the BJ from Audrey on his wife's gravestone, on the theory that after three years in prison he'd be horny. Neil Gaiman responded that if they did that he'd commit suicide and leave a note that he'd killed himself specifically because they had done it. They decided to go a different way with it. Did I mention that the book has a lot of devoted fans?

-- Language as an operating system for religion. Wittgenstein would have loved that.

-- I would totally hang out at that crocodile bar.

A great first episode, with lots of promise for what's to come.

Four out of five flying Viking arms.

Mikey Heinrich is, among other things, a freelance writer, volunteer firefighter, and roughly 78% water.

[shiphitsthefan]

I have a question about the hannibal fic issue you've been posting about. I'm not in that fandom, just Supernatural, but we just have a Supernatural RPF tag, is RPF the issue that people are complaining about in the Hannibal fandom? I'm just confused about why certain fics are being targeted.

Hello! I’ll try and explain the issue concisely.

Yes, the Hannibal fandom does have and RPF tag, which is used for...well, RPF. In the interest of people actually seeing and reading the fic, most people would also cross-tag it with Hannibal (TV). If fannibals are tracking a tag on ao3, that is, nine dentists out of ten, the one they’ll be tracking.

It hadn’t been an issue until last week, when someone decided to go trolling through main fandom tags to report RPF that had been cross-tagged. This affected both the Hannibal fandom and the Call Me By Your Name fandom. Fannibal authors appealed ao3′s “cease and desist” emails, but the staff was adamant that, even though this had been a fandom convention for years, the regular tag must be removed from the fic.

(For the record, ao3 staff threatened authors with strikes on their accounts. Here’s lookin’ at you, Jane C. Volunteer.)

The thing with Hannibal fandom--Hannigram shippers, to be specific--is that we like to ship all of Hugh’s characters from various shows and movies with all of Mads’ characters. Some of these rare pairs are very well known--Spacedogs, Tristhad, Valhalla Enchanted--to the point where they have their own established sub-fandoms. There are many other ships, as well, though they aren’t as common. Still, we’ll literally ship them all with each other. Fannibals don’t care what you write in there.

As with Madancy (the RPF in question), we tag all these rare pairs with Hannibal (TV), because none of these ships would exist had it not been for Hannibal and Hannigram. But, considering so many Madancy fics had been reported, many of us started talking about what we would do regarding the rare pair fics.

After much discussion on twitter and some great input from fannibals here on tumblr (we had no idea so many people didn’t like the cross-tagging until the issue came up!), the concept of the Hannibal Extended Universe was formed. It’s a branch fandom, much like C6D is for Due South. (I had never even heard of another giant rare pair fandom before.)

So now, we’re trying to spread the word and get all the rare pair fics retagged to list the fandom as Hannibal Extended Universe instead of Hannibal (TV). I have high hopes that it will eventually become a categorized and filterable fandom! It’s currently stalled at 23 pages, and I know there are more rare pair fics that haven’t been switched. Baby steps, though.

I hope that explained it!

[iraniq]

The Story

Note: i have no idea about a name, so i’ll leave it like this for now...if you have some ideas, feel free to share, you could manage to see something i miss :)

@diyunho @rhina988 @nikkitasevoli @auntiemama1 @wolfgirl1074  littlefearsdoodles  lady-grinning-soul-k 

It was another hot morning. I was driving to work. It was our 4-th anniversary, i had to came up with something special this time, so i brought my favourite book.

We met when i was second year in university. We had this “clinical psychology” subject, so they brought us in a real mental hospital, to look around. We had a lunch break, when i saw him, like a vision. He was just checking in, looking kinda sleepy. But when one of the nurses tried to touch his long hair he freaked out, like literally! He started screaming, kicking, he even bit off some of her cheek….later we were told, he was found in abandoned building eating dead cat; but by the look of his eyes i wasn’t quite sute it was a cat he was eating.

I signed in as volunteer couple of days after … 4 yeas ago. Although i studied philosophy, they took me in. They said i speak crazy people’s language. Don’t get me wrong tho. It’s was ugly in the asylum, but people there the patients right. The private owner is a nice guy. And everything is fine, although we are not allowed to speak about what we do, even with our co-workera from different departments. 

I am now almost there. Out of the city, in a huge complex, green parks, cafeteria, restaurant, cake heaven! I am heading to meet my boyfriend - the crazy cannibal.

While I was waiting to get in the parking lot I thought about last year’s anniversary. He shared with me that he had dreams of me. In some we were lovers, in some he killed me, in some he eat me, beat me, sometimes I free him, sometimes I kill him. He shared these were his dreams, didn’t note which one exactly. The radio surprised me by playing Kesha - Praying, it was weird fit, to my current situation, and it took my thoughts away …

For the outsiders I was just an intern, helping a doctor with his patients, taking them on  walks, talking to them, checking if they got their pills. But for the others I was the girlfriend of the cannibal. Well we weren’t exactly a couple, I simply was the only person, who got an encounter with him and didn’t end in a hospital with an bitten off part. Every information we had on him was  half piece of paper text, saying his mother was ethnologist, she was styling some tribes at some god forsaken island in the sea, discovered like 23 years ago. After a tribe war she found him as a baby and took him with her. As she wasn’t abel to have kids, after couple of months she got married, and her and her husband adopted another boy and a girl. After she died of some unknown disease, when he was 13, the father left for Finland with the other two kids, leaving him here. The papers also say, it turned out he was the son of the tribe chef, of a cannibal tribe. After discovering this he commit himself to his heritage completely. Spending 5 full years by himself. Oddly he is really highly educated, speaks perfect language, no jargon words. Also is very bright and see the world as it is. His birth name is Izmail, named after a biblical character, to be followed by good faith, but the name I call him is Hannibal, it suits him better.

I finally arrived, they checked my purse as always, my book, even opened the candy I was planning to give him, just in case … When I opened the door he was already sitting there. Looking through the window, when he wasn’t talking to me he was acting either like a rages beast or like a zombie, bot caring about the world. He was diagnose with schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder, some say he might had multiple personalities, but I never met anyone but him.

-        Hello Hannibal, how are you today?

-        Thank you, I am fine. What about you?

-        Me too.

-        How’s your boyfriend?

-        Ha … - I laughed nervously – you are getting old, or you simply forgot we split up a year ago. – he only smiled. – I brought you my favourite book to read to you a little bit of it.

-        The Replacement?

-        How did you guessed, I haven’t showed you yet. – he is full of surprises.

-        I just know.

-        How?

-        I simply know you. – he said still looking through the window.

-        I brought you sweets too.

-        Just read me from your book … please!

-        Ok then!

I took the book of my purse, and the sweets, I bit some off and started chewing, as I finished I spit it in my hand and reached it out for him. He licked the sweets of it and kept looking through the window. I wiped out my hand and opened my book, starting to read my favourite parts I underlined when I first red it.

- “The first time my dad told me this, I didn't get what he was trying to say, but by the time I was in first or second grade, I was already starting to understand.

The moral of the story is, don't attract attention. Don't have deformed fingers. Don't let anyone find out how amazing you are at tuning strings by ear. Don't show anyone the true, honest heart of yourself or else, when something goes wrong, you might wind up rotting in a tree.

Everyone has a point of origin. A place they come from.

Some people's places are just simpler than others'.

I don't remember any of this, but my sister, Emma, swears it's true and I believe her. This is the story she used to tell me at night, when I would climb out of bed and sneak down the hall to her room.

The baby in the crib: crying, in that anxious, fussy way. His face is shiny between the bars. The man comes in the window--bony, wearing a black coat--and grabs the baby up. He slips back out over the sill, slides the window down, pops the screen back in. Is gone. There's something else in the crib.

In the story, Emma's four years old. She gets out of bed and pads across the floor in her footie pajamas. When she reaches her hand between the bars, the thing in the crib moves closer. It tries to bite her and she takes her hand out again but doesn't back away. They spend all night looking at each other in the dark. In the morning, the thing is still crouched on the lamb-and-duckling mattress pad, staring at her. It isn't her brother.

It's me.”

-        Is this you … or is this me?

-        Sometimes it’s me, sometimes it’s you.

-        Hmm – he briefly smiled. – Can you please continue.

-        You know I am just reading you random parts of the book.

-        But they are chronological random parts?

-        Yes.

-        Ok, then I will be able to get the whole point.

He is so beautify when he is in this trans of his, so peaceful, like porcelain doll, but with a soul.

- “ "Hey, ugly," she said, reaching to tousle my hair.” – I swallowed hard, he was still looking away, blinking, he looked at the floor, and smiled – No, it wasn’t this one here. – I was now beyond nervous I lost my booked-to-read-paragraph. – “ “I wanted to tell her that I loved her, and not in the complicated way I loved our parents, but in a simple way I never had to think about. I loved her like breathing.

She sighed and glanced over at me. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

I shrugged. The feeling was easy, but the words wouldn't come.

She looked at me a long time. Then she touched my cheek. "Good night, ugly.".”

He smiled again.

- “ "Sometimes, if the new mother loves it and takes really good care of it, the sick baby gets better. It stops being ugly and grows up strong and healthy and normal. Sometimes, if the mother just loves it enough, it becomes beautiful.".”… “ "Emma . . . " I got a tight feeling in my throat and started again. "Emma, Mom didn't make me like this. Keep me alive this long . . . You did.".” – I stopped reading for a while, I needed a moment.

-        She’s his sister, it’s obvious, no one can love like a sister. – he kept smiling.

-        There was another part, about Luther and Carlina …

-        Did you miss them?

-        … but I can’t find it – my hands were shaking, and I desperately needs to find this text passage.

-        Did you miss them?

-        Who?

-        The one you lost?

-        I didn’t lost anyone?

-        Oh ... – he finally looked at me – I’m sorry you didn’t have them. – he was sad. Thank God I find what I was looking for.

- “Over in a corner, Carlina still had her arms around Luther's neck. She kissed him hungrily, pulling his mouth down to hers, and his bony face and jagged teeth didn't matter because she was beautiful enough for both of them.”. … These two have the best love story a book could ever had …

-        … you know I love you too, right? – he was still looking thorough the window.

I didn’t say anything. I stand up and knocked on the door, they let me out, and I ran in the bathroom and locked myself.

-        How could he be this cruel! – I wanted to shout out but in the middle my voice cracked and I started crying.

[sportinnovation]

A day in the life of Eddie Izzard

They recognise you everywhere and expect you always to be funny. From interview to interview, they whirl you. People tug on your patience, but you never get angry. For a day, we walked in the footprints of Eddie Izzard: comedian, actor, marathon runner, and charity patron.

Aliens, giraffes, and slapping people in the face with fish – it’s half six in the morning and Eddie Izzard is serious.

As he pecks away at a breakfast of sausage and scrambled egg, Eddie digests as much information as possible. In an hour, he will appear on BBC Breakfast to speak about sports volunteering and Join In’s BigHelpOut campaign and he needs the message settled in his head.

Pale blue eyes stare into nothing as he listens to the plan. Seven out of ten sports clubs need more help. We aim to get 10,000 new volunteers by Christmas. Somehow, he must thread these stats seamlessly into his couch-side chatter.

This is not the Eddie Izzard you expect. On screen, he seems frantic and scatty. In person, he is understated, pensive, and particular. Everything is on point. Not a hair on his blond head rests out of place. The eye makeup, suit jacket, tight jeans, high-heeled boots, and handbag all marry tidily.

Fingernails clack on the table. Each is painted burgundy, except for two: a fingernail of Union Jack and another glossed in the flag of Europe. After several minutes, he has digested enough. Eddie is ready. And when he speaks, everything changes.

He goes from studied to theatrical in an instant. Richness comes to his voice. Hands flutter by his face. Like a gymnast on the parallel bars, his rhythm builds. With every passing second, he becomes more fluent. Funnier and funnier – until his speech is alive with 10,000 volunteers, giraffes, the Big Help Out, aliens, and fish-slapped faces. So that is what all the fuss is about.

Portrait of a patron

Indeed, fuss follows Eddie wherever he goes. Even when he’s inside BBC Manchester at half seven in the morning, the buzzing is never far away. There’s a film crew, snappers, campaign managers, pens wittering, and gawking – lots of gawking.

You can measure the madness of his morning by counting his spare moments. In a two-hour period, he spends a minute staring at Boris Johnson on the TV and a few moments skimming the paper. The rest is spent in the eye of a storm, starting with breakfast-time TV.

When the first questions come, he is well prepared – the minutes spent ironing the creases serving him well. This time there is no need to limber. From subject to subject Eddie flits in a blurring 10-minute journey.

He talks greed…

‘I was a kid. You were a kid. You’re greedy. But as you get older, you get this wonderful feeling when you give.’

 …the devilry that is refined sugar…

‘I lost more weight by dumping refined sugar than by running 43 marathons. No animal eats refined sugar and they’re fit, fit, fit, fit for life. We think that fitness is a running around kid thing and then you let it go.’

…before, inevitably, moving onto aliens…

‘Volunteers can be all ages, all colours and creeds, even from different planets. Anyone. Giraffes.’

In these few, short minutes we see why Eddie Izzard has endured where other have faded. The absurdism, the scattershot delivery, and playful charm make him unique. 

But that isn’t all of it. Watch Eddie for a while and you realise that he is a technician. The hand movements, the way he hangs on some words and rambles through others, the bits and bobs from of his day that re-appear later on stage – none of this is accidental.

It goes well. The country loved it, yet this self-awareness follows him outside the interview. For a moment, he seems troubled. Did he speak too fast? Because he needed to, he said, for his intonation.

But he doesn’t dwell on it, nor does he seem bothered by the scrum that greets him when he leaves the studio. Social media folks take pictures of him and a camera’s unblinking eye captures it all for a behind-the-scenes film. Eddie quite literally takes it all in his stride, answering questions about the time his toenails fell off as he is whisked away for his next appointment.

When Eddie’s face turned cola brown

In a room full of BBC employees, Eddie is bellows master, whooshing the laughs out of his audience.

You get the sense that he could be in his living room. One minute he talks about his favourite footballer – former Crystal Palace, Arsenal, and England left back Kenny Sansom – the next he recalls the time his face turned Coca-Cola brown after taking cholesterol pills.

You notice also that he polishes and repurposes a couple of jokes that worked well earlier. Other snippets from his day are pasted into this lunch-time Q&A. Like corks pushed into a wine bottle, phrases and subjects stick in his head and do not leave. Once, twice, we hear talk of disposable time, the volunteering bug, and his emancipation from the wicked world of refined sugar.

Then he is freewheeling again. First, he lilts into a Belfast accent before pondering aloud this year’s marathon undertaking: 27 South African marathons in 27 days, one for each year Nelson Mandela spent in prison.

Combine the standup comedy tours, acting career (he recently ate his own leg in an episode of Hannibal), political work, marathon training, and charitable endeavours, and you wonder how much time he has for anything else.

Yet there is no mention of a holiday. When his manager heard about the 27 marathons in 27 days, she pled with him, “Why don’t you take a month off,” she said, “and not die?”

The toll of time and tiredness

You can be forgiven for forgetting that Eddie Izzard is 53 years old; but as day meanders into evening, the schedule weighs heavily on him.

Two more engagements follow the staff Q&A: an interview for a news feature and 90 minutes spent cooped inside a tiny sound-proofed studio (or giant coal bunker) spreading the volunteering gospel to 11 regional radio stations.

Despite the demands placed on Eddie’s time, he never once complains, though he does come close. The moment arrives on a picnic bench in Trafford Athletics Club, as he devours a salad and listens to the itinerary.

During the course of the evening, he will act in a dozen short pieces to camera in various volunteering guises. The crew will film him shooting a starting gun, making tea for club members, raking a long jump pit, and dipping for a photo finish with former 5,000m world record holder Dave Moorcroft. These he expects.

And then he is told about a 45-minute newspaper interview. This he does not expect. His head twitches and his eyes flash like blown embers. An interview? For how long? You can hear the strain in his voice and a flash of the eyes. For a moment all is silent, and then he nods... and goes back to his salad.

As he eats, Trafford Athletics Club comes alive for the evening’s Grand Prix. An hour earlier rain peppered the track, but now there is a brightness to everything. Runners jog and chat and stretch along a track hidden by towering trees. The waft of frying burgers and chips lures the less active to the yellow-white clubhouse.  

People pour through the gates, gabbling as Eddie rises to stretch. A light blue running jacket and shorts have replaced his suit. Vigorously, he shakes out his limbs as if tricking his body out of tiredness.

He is not built like a runner – too much sturdiness around the shoulders and arms, not enough of that willowy long-leggedness; and yet Eddie owns an athletic feat that few on the planet can match: the running of 43 marathons in 51 days.  

Ten minutes later, he sits on a hurdle in the middle of the track with a mic hovering by his head. A camera lens points two feet from his face and a crew fusses. But he doesn’t see them. Once again, the cheeks lift and his eyes brighten as the camera rolls. “We’re here today,” he says, “thanks to plenty of blood, sweat, and volunteers.”

Dapper as an Italian policeman

There are scripts for each film, yet he sticks only loosely to them, allowing space for his fluid streams of consciousness. The pace, however, is relentless. After 12 hours of non-stop talking, Eddie’s brain is slowly starting to scramble. Tiredness slithers among his sentences. When he speaks, words slur and clash against one another.

Hands flitter by his temples in a frantic moment, as if he is taking several imaginary throw-ins. ‘There are so many things in my head,’ he says. Around him, the ground swells with athletes and well-wishers. For Eddie and the film crew, it will only get busier – and noisier.

For a flawless half minute, he delivers a piece to camera as 20 club members wait on him. To be a film extra is a novelty in the beginning, but the shine quickly wears off. A bird’s squawk interrupts him. For how much longer, you wonder, will these club members sit easily? Eddie resumes. An aeroplane whistles overhead. Unruffled, he says something to make them laugh and starts again.

Sometimes you forget that he is in his habitat. The speed of thought – the ability to work a crowd – he has been doing it for so long that it flows. Like when he is mid-monologue and a baby gurgles. He pauses and speaks to the infant. ‘Indeed,’ he says, and keeps going as if it is all part of the script.

And yet, as with most of us, Eddie is not easily read. He seems to love entertaining strangers and conversing with an easy charm, but he can also be detached. A vacant, pensive air comes over him as he stares for a minute at an athlete’s footwear or wonders aloud about why he never had a BBC sitcom, talking as if to no one but himself. Finally, the evening reclines into shadow. Eddie’s day – this marathon day – is almost done and everything is winding down.

The camera crew fiddles; the campaign folks discuss the script; and the club members watch the most magnetic event of all: the 100 metres.

Eddie stands with his little blue jacket perched on his shoulders, ready to take it off when it is time to film. But then a change comes over him. Suddenly, the jacket is alive on his shoulders. He turns to the lady beside him pretending to be an Italian policeman in love with his own uniform.

He smiles. “There could be a bank robber going by and he would still be admiring his uniform.” She laughs and Eddie Izzard seems happy. At the end of the day, he’s still doing what he does best.

Making people laugh.

 Eddie’s day in numbers 

18 – hour working day

2 – salads

10 - films

11 - regional radio interviews

1 – TV interview

10,000 – the number of volunteers he is trying to get into local sport

£0 – how much he gets paid for all of this