#haven’t been going to class bc i’ve been reading the textbook anyway and thinking i’m fine but i’ll try watching the recordings from the

[mirrorsmp3]

I'm having a crisis bc I actually hate my major (speech path) and I'm considering math because I've always enjoyed it and been pretty good at it but I've never taken a calculus class before or anything so I'm like what if I switch to this major and then I actually suck at it and regret it

me rn except it’s my only place to go bc the idea of doing anything else is unbearable but i was speaking to a girl who’s in third year and just switched from philosophy to math and is in the same intro / 2nd year course as me! calc 1-3 are some of the requirements for my major or least calc 3 is a requirement and calc 1 and 2 were prereqs. calculus is kind of diff anyway it’s less rigorous more computational than what else i’m taking rn aka algebra 1 and analysis 1. so even if u haven’t taken calc or don’t thrive in calc u could thrive in math. not that i’m an expert or anything but i’m gonna say that as a mediocre student who doesn’t pore over math textbooks in the summer or read ahead or whatever And Also enjoys math but doesn’t think it’s the most fun thing in the world, as long as ur fairly logically inclined and remember being able to follow derivations of formulas and stuff from ur earlier math classes (since lectures are literally just following along proofs of theorems etc.) u should give it a shot !!!

i’ve also said this to a few ppl but one of the things i like about math is how self contained it is like sure it’s useful in calc to be able to recognize how derivatives of functions relate to motion in physics but it’s not necessary as opposed to physics and chem and bio where you have to observe things in nature and also compute the results SO what i’m trying to say is that in my personal opinion math is of the sciences maybe not necessarily the EASIEST to transfer to i dont think any of them are tbh but aside from knowing how certain functions work (from calc) and maybe vectors from linear algebra there’s the least to know going in

[ihopeucomehomesoon]

my to do list is so long bc i fell behind in lectures for two of my classes

[meltwonu]

| 𝔲𝔫𝔱𝔦𝔩 𝔦 𝔪𝔢𝔱 𝔶𝔬𝔲 |     [Chapter 1] 

pairing; fratboy!wonwoo x reader

this chapter’s notes; fratboy!wonwoo, dom!wonwoo, dirty talk, masturbation, sex toys, mentions of sexting/sending photos/videos, baby this has hella plot lmao dkhf 🥴💕 WELCOME TO UNTIL I MET YOU!! THE MINI-SEQUEL TO CAFFEINE! A bit of a shorter chapter but I didn’t want to overload with too much everything in the first chapter, ykwim? 😎 Thank you so much for your patience with this sequel, I know there were a ton of people asking for a sequel for months after I said I would 💕😭😭 As always, inbox roundup tomorrow! And don’t forget, next chapter for UIMY goes up on Feb 26th! T|H ch 1 next Friday! 🥰💕 Enjoy ch 1, have a great weekend and I love you! 💕

chapters; 1 - x - x - x - x

“Mmh… Wonwoo…”

His hands roam all over your naked body; warmth spreading all over when he digs his blunt fingernails into the skin of your waist.

“Feels good, doesn’t it? Did you miss me, sweetheart?” His voice is soft, gentle, yet teasing; barely above a whisper as your back bows off of the bed to lean into his simple touches. “I missed you, sweetheart. Missed your ‘lil cunt too.”

A choked sob falls from your lips, followed quickly by rushed, hurried cries for Wonwoo to move faster.

“Don’t you want me to take my time? We haven’t seen each other in months.” 

There’s a smirk on his lips, eyes twinkling with mischief when you reply back with a shaky whine. “Don’t you want me to slide my cock into your pretty ‘lil pussy nice ‘n slow? Let you feel every inch of me filling you up, just like it’s the first time all over again.” He stares at you dreamily; fixated on the way your body chases his hands when he drags them down to your thighs. “Or would you prefer it if I fucked you hard and fast? Your cute body squirming and trembling from how good I give it to you and my cock slamming into your tight ‘lil cunt.”

Wonwoo’s fingertips spread your folds as he licks his lips; appreciating how wet you already were for him.

“Bet your toys don’t feel as good as the real thing, huh?”

You shake your head ‘no’ furiously, “N-no, god, no! Wonwoo, p-please!” The male grins down at you, pouting mockingly at your desperate, pleading eyes. 

The wetness between your legs is unbearable and the sobs are caught in your throat when Wonwoo leans over you, lips ghosting across your own.

“Okay. Just say--”

You’re shocked awake by your alarm clock; chest heaving in deep breaths as you sit up in your crumpled sheets. “Oh, fuck...” Groaning, your clammy palms reach for the ringing device as you shut it off and sigh.

The clock reads 10:02AM; tired eyes trying to blink away the sleep that threatens to take you back to the dreamland you much preferred. Although, dreaming about Wonwoo was becoming a little bit too common these last few days.

Sighing once more, you move to get out of bed; already finding your panties soaking wet and sticking to you like a second skin when you stand.

“Ugh... Damn it.”

You press the vibrator harder onto your clit; teeth chattering with the pleasure that pours over your body.

“Oh, god, please, p-please…”

Images of Wonwoo dance behind your eyelids; sultry smirks and teasing glances bringing you closer and closer to the edge of an orgasm.

If there was anything that the last few months without Wonwoo taught you, it was that you couldn’t afford to lose him - in more ways than one. And despite his lack of calls or even text messages, you held out in hopes he still felt the same way that you did despite the distance.

You sent him pictures and videos of yourself often; teasing images half naked, toys in hand, and videos crying out his name while you came. And while he took the time to reply to those with praise and adoration, he almost never sent anything back. 

When he did, it was always short, clipped replies of how exhausted he was and how he didn’t have much time.

“Ngh, h-harder…” Your toes curl against the bedsheet; phantom feelings of his cock fucking you hard and deep making you cry out in desperation to be filled by his cock.

Your phone rings on the nightstand next to you as you cum - vibrator pressed so hard against your clit that your back bows off of the sheets while your thighs shake uncontrollably. 

And for the first time in a long time, it’s an orgasm that feels like it’s worth something.

‘Gyu: hey did wonwoo text u?

‘Gyu: he’s back next monday he said

‘Gyu: idk abt classes tho, might be out of commission for a while bc jetlag

‘Gyu: thinking abt throwing him a party on friday after he comes back...

‘Gyu: u wanna plan with us orrrrr? U got a private party or sth 🥴😏

‘Gyu: lmk

You’re nervous. Shy, even.

After you’d come down from your orgasm and checked your phone, your mind momentarily went blank from shock and the first thing you’d done was text Wonwoo to ask if he was really coming back that soon.

‘Ah, yeah, I was just about to text you. Prof said we can go home early if we wanted since we finished up classes. I’ll see you sometime next week? Jetlag and stuff.’, was all he had said and in your excited state, the only thing you had responded with was an, ‘Okay, great!’, without asking when, where, or what time.

You figured you’d give him some time to readjust instead of bombarding him as soon as he got in. But each second that you knew Wonwoo was home, you found yourself itching to just be in his presence.

You just had to be a little more patient.

Wednesday morning comes and you find yourself skipping your morning class to go to the library.

For studying, you tell yourself.

The male at the receptionist table shoots you a small smile to which you awkwardly smile back before ducking into an empty aisle. All you knew was that it seemed like Wonwoo wasn’t here.

Maybe he’s still at the frat house, you wonder.

Sighing slightly under your breath, you decide that maybe getting some work done would actually help distract you from looking for the male.

You find an empty table, setting your things down before pulling out your phone. 

In all honesty, you weren’t even sure why you were being so shy and nervous about contacting Wonwoo, especially when you so unabashedly sent him nudes every few days when he was away. 

Although, with how things had been before he left and the prospect of actually dating once he came back from his semester abroad - the butterflies in your stomach had been nonstop with the different scenarios that played out in your head. You’d even gone so far as to plan what happened if Wonwoo had decided he didn’t want to make an attempt at dating you.

“Sweetheart?”

The grip you have on your phone only tightens as you whip your head around to find Wonwoo standing behind your chair and you swear your heart stops beating the same time your breath gets caught in your throat. “H-huh?”

He smiles gently down at you and you can’t help but wonder how long you were spaced out to not notice him there. 

“Is this a dream too?” You wonder aloud - Wonwoo chuckling in response as he moves to collect your things for you.

“Have you been dreaming about me that much, sweetheart?” You stutter and stumble over your words; embarrassment eating at you every second that Wonwoo has a knowing smile plastered on his lips.

“C’mon, let’s go get something to eat since we both know you’re not really here to study.”

The version of Wonwoo that sits across the cafe table is… different.

Not bad, just different.

His arms are much tanner and definitely more muscular and the glasses missing from his face lets you appreciate his eyes even more when they’re not hidden behind the thick frames. He had even opted to wear a sleeveless shirt; something that you weren’t used to when he usually was around campus in long sleeves and sweater vests.

Although, you can’t and won’t deny the way your body reacts to this Wonwoo.

“Hey, I’m talking to you and you’re just spacing out.” Muttering, he leans over the small cafe table until his face is only inches away from yours and the smirk on his lips already lets you know that you’ve been caught staring.

“Listen, I know I’ve been gone for three months but you’re lookin’ at me like you haven’t had a fix in all that time.” Your lips press into an embarrassed firm line, avoiding his stare as he raises a brow at you.

“Wait, you didn’t fuck anyone in the three months I was gone?”

“No… did you?” Your voice is barely above a whisper; a little afraid that his answer will be ‘yes’ when he takes a second longer to respond.

“Nah,” He settles back into his seat, “I told you, didn’t I? I was willing to try the whole… dating, relationship thing with you when I got back. Although, I’m somewhat surprised one of the others didn’t try to seduce you while I was gone.”

You laugh slightly, cheeks warm as Wonwoo teases. “I wouldn’t have given them the time of day anyway.”

Your entire body burns hot, palms clammy in your lap from how giddy you were to be with Wonwoo and it made your heart do backflips knowing that he’d still been willing to try with you.

“Ah, how was it abroad anyway? You… didn’t really say much over the past few months so I feel like I don’t know how you were. Just some messages about how tired you were...” He takes a sip of his coffee; unintentionally making you internally scream when his lips form a pout while he thinks.

“Honestly? Other than the days we were excavating ‘n stuff, it was pretty boring. Really hectic though, and a lot of documenting which meant a lot of paperwork. I swear, I closed my eyes and I saw the inside of my textbooks.” He chuckles lightly, eyes focused on the cup of coffee in front of him.

“I just want to say sorry for my lack of communication. I really didn’t expect to be so busy that I couldn’t even pick up a call.” There’s a genuine apologetic look on Wonwoo’s face when he looks back at you. “And the time difference was really rough too. I didn’t want to take it out on you over the phone if I was stressed about not sleeping or the workload. I know we can get a little rough when we ‘play’ but this wasn’t that and it wouldn’t have been fair.”

Oh.

“T-that’s okay, I understand!” Your heart does somersaults in your chest, “I--thank you for thinking about me too.”

The feelings you have bubbling up inside of you make you feel like you’re falling in love for the first time, all over again. “Um… Sorry I sent so many pictures ‘n stuff.”

Wonwoo laughs, this time throwing his head back slightly before he tries to hide his wide grin. “Oh, sweetheart. Don’t apologize.” Your eyes meet his and for a split second, you see the familiar dominating look in his eyes before he leans over the small cafe table again.

“I might’ve not had all the time to entertain you those times but I thought about you alllll the time. I missed everything about you.” His voice is barely above a whisper - careful to not let anyone else in the cafe hear the topic of conversation. “Which, by the way…You piqued my interest earlier with your question. You never really answered my question about having dreams about me.”

You shift in your seat as you avert your eyes from his; eyes flitting down his toned body instead as you mentally curse yourself.

“I… kinda? I m-mean… not normally but just--just these last few days. It’s almost been every night… I wake up and--and it’s just… I’m...” You trail off; somewhat shy to say the rest of what you were going to say even though you’re almost certain Wonwoo already knows.

“Odd. Me too. I kept dreaming about you, which is, honestly, kind of why I thought to come back earlier.”

“Oh?”

“Mm, we still had 2 weeks left, technically. A bit of a spillover since my professor wanted us to explore the city once finals were over. But I just wanted to come home.” He finishes with a chuckle - a soft look in his eyes.

You pout back at him, “You didn’t come home early just for ‘lil ‘ol me, did you?” You say it jokingly, but deep down you do wonder.

“Would that be so bad?” Grinning, Wonwoo sets a couple of bills down onto the table to cover the meals you both barely have touched.

“Like I said, I missed everything about you, sweetheart.”

Wonwoo walks you back to your place afterwards; laughing and joking with you as if he hadn’t been gone for the last 3 months. 

There’s a certain playfulness about him that makes your heart bloom and part of you wonders if he’s opening up to you more now that there’d been some time apart.

“Are you gonna be working at the library again? Or is that done forever now?” “Mm.. I mean, it’d be kind of weird if I stopped, don’t you think?”

The grin of his face is telling and you have to mentally stop yourself from letting your mind wander in the middle of the sidewalk. “Y-yeah... Studying in my apartment isn’t really the same, y’know…”

Laughing, Wonwoo takes the opportunity to swing an arm around your shoulder as he tucks you under his arm. “I was actually at the library earlier to ask about my position back. I start tomorrow.” Goosebumps rise on your skin and the close proximity is enough to make you whimper.

“I’m only taking two classes this semester to give myself a bit of a break so I’ll be in the library more often to fill up the time. You can always call me if you need to know where I am. I promise I’ll respond this time, sweetheart.”

Before you know it, the two of you are already standing outside of your complex as Wonwoo takes his arm off of you.

“Will I be seeing you tomorrow?” There’s a hopeful lilt to his voice that has you nodding feverishly in return.

“I have a morning class but I’ll come by in the afternoon? I can text you to let you know, just in case.” You offer back.

Wonwoo licks his lips, tilting his head before leaning down and kissing you on the forehead.

The soft gesture momentarily throws you off as you freeze but the smoldering look in Wonwoo’s eyes when he pulls away lets you know that he’s already scheming.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, sweetheart.”

[poptod]

can u do a one shot that’s ahkmenrah x reader where u get kicked out of college bc ur mental health is rlly bad n u were missing a lot of days like just what he’d react n do bc I have been kicked out of college today n I can’t stop crying

notes: i’m so sorry! i’ve added a personal note at the end for you specifically, anon.

WC: 885

+

“It isn’t… necessary, is it?” He asked in the most gentle tone he could manage.

The two of you sat on the old, worn couch in the night guards break room, the contents of your backpack strewn out across the floor. Textbooks and loose, crumpled pages sat in disorganized piles at your feet.

“It is these days, if you don’t want to live in poverty the rest of your life,” you said through a wail.

You had great difficulty speaking through both your sobbing, which wracked your shoulders, and your sniffling that seemed endless.

“And I wouldn’t fucking be here if I just - got my shit together and fucking went to class.”

“My dear, if you went to those classes on bad days, I don’t think you would’ve retained anything anyway. It’s not your fault. You are dealing with a genuine illness.” He set his hand upon your heart, brushing away fat, crocodile tears. “You know, my brother never finished his schooling, either.”

“Your brother is a psychopath, Ahk.”

“Fair point. But you understand, right?” He asked softly, and his hand dropped to take your hand. “You said there is many people in your classes. I have found that students learn best in smaller classes, more attuned to the needs of the student instead of - of indoctrinating children into a job they can never be free of.”

“But everyone else can do it,” you wailed, digging your fingers into your hair.

“I wouldn’t be able to. Waking up at dawn? No thank you. I would’ve dropped out months ago if I were you, and I haven’t got any of your illness,” he said, and he removed your hands from your head, instead keeping them in his lap.

“That’s not true,” you mumbled.

“I’m afraid it is,” he chuckled.

“What am I going to do now?” You asked, finally meeting his eye with a red-rimmed gaze.

“Whatever you want to,” he said with a shrug. “I know you can go to the college -“

You tried not to laugh, but a smile broke across your face anyway.

“- again, try again when you’re older and wiser. There are an infinite number of ways to live. Surely college cannot be involved in all of them.”

“I guess…”

“You could.. run a bakery, or, uh… one of those tattoo places,” he suggested with a small smile. “Set up a bookshop and spend your days reading and talking to new people, or live off far away from these cities.”

“I don’t want to leave you,” you said quietly.

“That’s alright,” he said, a light blush filling his cheeks. “Something to always keep in mind, though, is that everything is subject to change. If you don’t like your life, you can go to another place, or -“

“That actually takes money.”

“It does?” He asked, raising a single brow.

You chuckled half-heartedly and said, “everything costs money these days.”

“Let’s not get into how preposterous your civilization is. The point is that if my world started in Egypt thousands of years ago, and now I sit here with you, touching a living being made thousands of years after I was….”

A strange look overtook his eyes as he reached forward, pulling you in by no more than a touch down your flushed cheek.

“… everything, good and bad, changes and ends. There are wondrous things in the world, yourself included,” he murmured as he scanned your hapless expression. “College is not one of them.”

You laughed, truly this time, your gaze falling to the floor before flickering back up to him.

“Am I going to be okay?” You asked, knowing full well he didn’t have the answer.

“If you keep love in your heart, you will find happiness in every place,” he said.

“Who said that?” You chuckled.

“I think it’s a… a paraphrase from a great magi from my times,” he said. “A man by the name of Imhotep. He wrote a great deal of poetry.”

“An Egyptian magician-poet, then,” you said with a giggle.

“And an architect. He built the first of the pyramids, and he was a physician as well as a priest, and a scribe. Do you want to know something funny?”

“What?” You asked, wiping away stray tears with your sleeve.

“He didn’t go to school, either. My people turned him into a God in their stories.”

“That was thousands of years ago.”

“Yes, but the human condition has never died,” he said, grinning. “Remember those ancient caves?”

You chuckled, “the one where it said, like, “this is really high” on the ceiling?”

“Exactly,” he said with a laugh.

A while ago, you showed him a meme on your phone detailing how ‘humans never change’. He loved it immensely, going by how much he referred to it.

“But you see, my dear? You will be alright,” he said, softer than ever to accommodate the small space left between you. “There are so many ways to live happily.”

“Yeah… maybe,” you mumbled

“Ah, ah,” he tutted, tilting your chin up to him with a single finger. He raised one brow, gazing down at you with an almost stern expression, though kindness always shone through those tiny facades. “Yes. There are many ways to be happy.”

“Yes, there is,” you chuckled. “Thank you, Ahk.”

“Of course, my love.”

my note to anon:

i dont know much, or really anything about your situation, but i do know what its like to feel like everything is crashing apart, so ill tell you what i needed to know at that point:

take a step back. like, a big step. you should focus on yourself, on taking care of yourself, on building yourself so that one day, you really can do all the things you want to do. sometimes you need to just take a break from the progress of the main video game in order to heal your character or get better armour, and the same is true for non-digital humans. please, please take time for yourself. build up your comforts but expose yourself to new things and please, do not isolate yourself. 

i had to be taken out of school too, because i missed too many days due to a physical illness of mine. so, i kind of get that overwhelming of feeling like you’re failing, but you’re not. this is nothing more than a setback. there is another railway, another journey, for you to join, and it will be perfect.

anyway, that’s just my advice, you dont have to listen to it. im truly sorry you had to go through that, it must be an unimaginable amount of stress, but you’ll be alright. i promise.

[levi-lover]

New Light Part: 1

College Levi x Reader(Modern AU)

W/C: 2.5

T/W: Pretentious Hipster Levi lol 

A/N: Levi is a moody English major who spends his free time reading at the local cafe and yes, I think that is sexy as hell. This is a slowburn piece kinda  inspired by the Hulu show Normal People! I love that show but I could never watch it again bc it breaks my heart too much lol. Anyways, I hope you enjoy! (Part Two will be up soon! & this picture is from Pinterest)

I’ve put all the parts in one list here:  New Light Masterlist

“I just don’t get it.” You huffed and leaned back into your chair. 

“Don’t worry, this stuff takes time to learn!” Hange looked at you earnestly.

The two of you had been studying at Maria’s Coffee for a few hours. Your genetics midterm was in a few days and you were completely lost. You met Hange on your first week, you anxiously walked into the lecture hall thinking this would be an easy pass to fulfill your science credit. Oh boy, were you wrong. Immediately, you were thrown into the depths of mitosis and chromosomes. The only good thing that came out of it was your new friendship with Hange. On your first day, Hange complimented your sweater and asked if they could sit with you. Hange was a genetics major so this class was easy, hell, it was fun for them. They offered to tutor you so you bought them coffee during your study sessions in return.

“Yeah, you’re right but still,” You said in between sips of your coffee. “How do you like this stuff?” 

“Oh, it’s fascinating to me, it’s crazy how we’re made up of tiny cells and in those cells is our human history but we can’t even see it. It’s like the world’s smallest yet most important puzzle.” Hange’s eyes lit up as they continued speaking. 

You listened and continued to drink your coffee. It was late but the cafe was still busy with college students hurrying to type their papers and study for tests. The lamps left soft yellow shadows on the cream colored walls. The cafe was homey and it felt like it was a cottage pulled straight out of a forest. From the back of the cafe, you could see the entrance. It was raining and people ran across the sidewalk with their jackets over their heads. You laughed through your nose.

“Hey! Are you listening?” Hange questioned. 

“What? Of course, I am. Science is the answer to everything, right?” You quipped. 

Hange rolled their eyes and went back to their textbook. You kept your eyes on the front door. It had been a few days since you had seen your coffee shop friend. The word friend was a loose term for your relationship with the dark-haired boy. Your relationship started one day when you were sitting in the spot you are now, it was late, close to 1 am and after downing two cups of coffee you needed to pee. Across from you was a small man holding a used copy of Slaughterhouse Five, he was dressed in all black and was munching on a muffin. You asked him to watch your stuff, he nodded and pushed his hair away from his gray eyes. From that point on, you developed a friendship founded on your mutual respect for privacy yet concern over each other’s well-being. It became an unspoken rule that this was the only place you would meet. Your attention returned to your work, if he wasn’t going to show up then whatever, he was just another stranger. 

“Hange, I think I’m gonna call it a night.”

“What?! Why?! We haven’t even gotten to the good part, wait until you hear about what happens to the amino acids during replication.” The same familiar look of excitement washed over Hange’s face. 

“Look as exciting as it all sounds, I’m gonna have to pass.” You began to gather your things when the front door opened. You looked up and saw the dark-haired boy. He looked as pretty as always with a beige tote bag draped across his shoulder, droplets of rain hung onto his dark strands. Next to him stood a tall, handsome blonde man who was looking around the cafe. His eyes stopped when he reached your table and he lifted a hand and waved at you. You looked at him confused. 

“LEVIIII!! ERWIIIN!!” Hange yelled and waved their arms. People looked up at them with annoyance. 

“Wait, you know them?” You asked.

“Who, those idiots? Yeah. I forgot to tell you I invited them to study with us. Levi promised to help me write a paper,” Hange said nonchalantly. “Shit! I should have asked you if that’s okay. Is it?” 

You looked down and felt your face redden, “no worries, it’s not a problem.” 

“I’ll introduce you to them, they’re buttheads but they don’t bite.”

You sat back down and looked at your notebook as the dark-haired boy and the tall blonde walked towards you. A bundle of nerves planted themselves in your stomach but you couldn’t understand why. You’ve known this man for a couple of months now, slowly building a friendship at your own pace. It was nice to have control over something in your life for once but life always has a different plan for you; it was time to properly meet the dark-haired boy. All rules are eventually broken.

You ruffled the papers in front of you and took another sip of your drink but it was empty. Shit, you thought. The two men were standing in front of you and Hange at this point. The dark-haired boy looked at you, his brows furrowed.

“Hey, you’re House Coffee,” he said in a monotonous tone.

The blonde man and Hange looked at him confused, “wait, you know her?” Hange asked.

You shook your head, “nope.”

The dark-haired boy looked at you confused.

“Well, kinda, actually,” You muttered.

“Huh, that’s cool!” Hange announced. “Levi’s a little bitch but you probably already knew that.”

“Shut up, Four Eyes,” Levi retorted.

The blonde man laughed, “my name is Erwin. I’m a Political Science and History double major.” He gave you a dashing smile and lifted his hand.

Levi rolled his eyes, “humble much?”

Erwin gave him a glare before returning his clear blue eyes to you. You chuckled and raised your hand to his. It was a firm handshake.

“My name is (Y/N), it’s very nice to meet you, Erwin. And it’s Levi, right?” Your head turned to the dark-haired boy and he blushed slightly. Hange and Erwin exchanged a look.

Hange raised their hands slightly and asked, “I’m confused.”

“When aren’t you.” Levi remarked.  

“Oh, shut it you. I thought you two already knew each other.”

You placed your hands around the empty mug, hoping it would stabilize your nerves. “Know might be a strong word, I guess we’ve seen each other here before?“ You shrugged and looked at Levi.

He nodded, “I agree, we sometimes look after each other’s stuff and talk about books.”

“Good to know. I’m glad Levi has someone else to talk to,” Erwin declared.

They pulled out two chairs and placed them around the table. Erwin pulled out his laptop and his binders, everything was color-coordinated down to the tabs and pens. Levi pulled out a yellow notepad and a beat up copy of On the Road and single black pen. He tried his best to act natural but was unsure how to act around you and his friends. He wasn’t prepared for his two worlds to crash, it wasn’t that he was ashamed to know you. He enjoyed your company but it was something that was special to him. He didn’t want to share those precious late night hours with anyone else but you.

“I’m going to go buy a tea, (Y/N) do you want anything?” Erwin said pointing at your empty cup.

“Uh no-” You were about to say before Levi interrupted you.

“12 oz house coffee, splash of soy,” He stated.

Hange raised their eyebrows, in all their years of friendship he had never bothered to learn their coffee order. Erwin was equally as surprised. You stared at Levi, unsure what to say.

“Alright, you got it,” Erwin said before grabbing your empty mug.

Levi and Erwin got up and walked to the front counter. Hange grabbed your arm and you looked at them surprised.

“How long have you known Levi?” They whispered.

“Uh, like I said, ‘know’ is a strong word but a couple of months. We just sit near each other and sometimes talk. It’s not a big deal.”

“I can’t believe Levi didn’t tell me he knew you,” Hange said in disbelief.

“Did you tell him about me?” You retorted

“No but still. If I knew my two friends knew each other, I would have set this study party together a long ass time ago.”

You shrugged and went back to looking at your notes. By this time, Levi and Erwin were walking back to the table. Erwin was holding a mug of tea and your coffee, Levi was holding a mug of tea in one hand and an apple muffin in another. Erwin handed you your coffee and you thanked him. He sat in front of you and Levi opposite of him. Erwin cleared his throat and asked, “how do you guys know each other?”

“We met in genetics class,” You responded.

“You’re a science major, too?”Erwin asked.

“No, I’m a humanities major but I still need my science requirement so I’m taking this class and majorly regretting it.”

“Hey, it’s not all bad. We’re friends now,” Hange nugged their elbow at you, you gave them a smile and nodded.

“What a reward,” Levi muttered.

You held back a laugh which made Levi smile, he hid it behind his book.

“How do the three of you know each other?” You pointed to the trio.

Hange shot up from their text book and exclaimed,“oh, (Y/N) you’re going to love this so it all started four years ago…”

It was their freshman year, Levi’s uncle had just dropped him off at the dorms and left him alone to unpack. Levi didn’t have much except for a suitcase of clothes, a bed sheet set and a small box of books. He started to put his clothes away in the drawers when the door opened and a lean, tall blonde boy and his father walked in, pulling a cart of the boy’s belongings.

“Hi, you must be my roommate. My name is Erwin,” he stood at the doorway awkwardly waving at Levi.

“Levi.”

“Hello, I’m Erwin’s dad, nice to meet you.”

Levi gave him a small smile and continued to organize his side of the room, it took about fifteen minutes in total. After Erwin’s dad left, Levi and Erwin sat on their respectives beds in silence. It took them awhile but eventually they bonded over their mutual love of Russian poetry. Over the next few weeks, they built a symbiotic relationship filled with chore charts and late night study hangs. Levi genuinely enjoyed Erwin’s presence, he was his first friend outside of his hometown. Erwin felt the same way too. He never had a huge opportunity to meet people since he was homeschooled until his final two years of high school. They had found a companion in each other.

The week before Thanksgiving break, Erwin convinced Levi to host a small gathering in their dorm. Levi hesitantly agreed and Erwin managed to get his hands on a weed brownie. They invited a few of their floormates and shared the goods and drank a single Mike’s Hard Lemonade that Hange brought. They sat on the concrete floor and waited for the weed to hit after thirty minutes, no one was high. One of their floormates, Zeke, took a whiff of the brownie and laughed.

“Erwin, this is a fucking regular brownie,” he glanced at Erwin who was tenderly sipping out of the bottle. Zeke’s roommate, Porco laughed.

“No, it can’t be,” Erwin responded. Hange looked around nervously and Levi glared at Zeke.

“Ha, whatever. This kickback is lame anyways. Let’s go,” Zeke and the others left.

Hange, Erwin, and Levi stayed in silence for a few minutes until Hange spoke, “I thought it was a good brownie.”

Erwin gave them a half-hearted smile and looked down at the bottle. Levi sighed and walked to his closet.

“Now that those fucktards are gone, let’s have a real party,” Levi said as he pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniel’s.

Erwin looked at Levi, shocked. “How long have you had that?”

“My uncle gave it to me when he dropped me off. As a going away present.” Levi shrugged it off.

The rest of the night was spent taking shots of whiskey and playing cards games, it was the first night of many.

“Wait, really? Erwin you bought a dud brownie.” You held your side as you laughed.

Erwin looked sheepishly at his drink. Levi had a smirk on his face.

“Yeah! Looking back at it now, it’s the funniest thing ever. But those other guys were jerks. I don’t remember their names now or anything but I hope they’re living horrible lives,” Hange proclaimed.

“I believe it and I hope so too.” You wiped a tear from your face and felt Levi’s gaze on you.

Levi had never seen you laugh that hard, he liked this side of you. He went back to notating his book but he couldn’t deny the feeling of warmth in his chest. The four of you remained in comfortable silence for a while. The coffee shop began to slow down as the clock ticked further into the night.

“This has been a lot of fun but I think I’m going to call it,” Erwin’s deep voice broke the silence of the table.

The three of you nodded in agreement and began to pack your bags. You watched Levi’s slender fingers gently put his belongings into his tote bag. His dark hair was getting long, it brushed against his cheek as he moved his body. You looked away quickly, you knew nothing could happen between the two of you but watching him interact with his friends casted a new light on him. Levi, what a name, you thought. For the past couple months, he was your secret friend, someone you could talk to without feeling judged because he was so removed from your everyday life but now, it was different. You both shared a mutual connection and of course, you shared the countless hours spent in this cafe.

The four of you made casual conversation as you exited the cafe. The cold air whipped your face and you tugged your scarf tighter around your neck.

“Hey, do you need a ride? I’m parked a block away,” Erwin asked you.

“Don’t worry, hot stuff. I’ll walk her home.” Hange winked at Erwin, Levi rolled his eyes.

“I live a few blocks away but thank you. It was really nice to meet you Erwin and Levi it’s nice to finally know your name.”

Levi looked down at the ground and a pink glow appeared on his face, “yeah, this was nice.”

You watched them turn around and walk in the opposite direction for a moment before turning to Hange. The air was cool and the clouds had parted, leaving open an endless sky peaking through the buildings and the trees. It had become a ritual for the two of you to walk home after study sessions since you lived a few blocks away from each other. Hange made casual conversation on your walk home but you hardly paid attention. You kept on thinking about Levi and wishing you never learned his name.

[m0onbean]

tutoring & loving

genre: enemies to lovers!AU, tutor!reader, popular boy!eunwoo, high school!AU, JEALOUSYYYYYYYY, flooooooof!!! angst but it’s okay because angst is wonderful, basically most of my favorite AU’s combined in one

warnings: jealous eunwoo and this AU is much more in depth than the others ones

words: 2.8k 

note: this is an old draft that has been sitting in my notes so i thought i would post!! enjoy and I HOPE  EUNWOO IS CASTED FOR TRUE BEAUTY!!!

as one of the top students in class, all of your teachers absolutely ADORE YOU

school is pretty smooth for you: you study well, pass tests, socialize with friends....... except for one little threat that makes your life so much more difficult... 

Cha Eunwoo.

not only is he one of the most popular boys in your grade, but unfortunately he’s also your seat partner for English and he’s the most annoying person you have ever met

you haven’t given him a reason to disrespect you!! ... okay maybe sometimes when you see him and his group of friends being loud in the hallways you shoot an icy glare....... ok and MAYBE you roll your eyes everytime he says smth dumb in the middle of class

but other than that??? completely innocent you are. but this man doesn’t seem to agree, as he seems to have made his life goal to ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. 

foe ex. you would be peacefully paying attention in class when suddenly you feel something kick your foot 

and when you look up, you see eunwoo “paying attention” to the board and feigning innocence

but you immediately know that he’s just trying to aggravate you because when has this man ever actually paid attention in class??

so you go back to listening when you feel ANOTHER kick and you’re like BITCHoh hell no so you kick him back bc we’re not all perfect human beings let’s be honest

and now y’all are kicking each other back and forth, and everyone can hear the desks shuffling underneath them

he also makes snarky marks constantly when you literally just breathed???

like you would sit down at your seat and he’d be like “Congrats, you’ve somehow managed to choose the ugliest outfit in the world to wear today”

and you respond, “It’s about time i have a turn, you’re wearing the ugliest outfit everyday” and then you just glare at each other until the teacher tells you two to snap out of it

on some days eunwoo will just flat out point out one of your flaws like if your hair is messy or if there’s a stain on your shirt

so one day your English teacher asks to see you after class and you’re like Oh he’s just gonna offer me extra credit ... but instead of doing that he asks right off the bat, “i have another student that needs tutoring, are you willing to take one more?”

for the past month, you’ve already been tutoring a few students your teacher recommends to you. it’s easy money, especially since you’re saving up for college 

only this time, you can tell he’s desperate because he’s like “Please (y/n) he’s failing in English and misbehaving in class you’re my only hope!!”

and now you’re like Hawld on..... Why Is He Being So Desperate About This.... like you’re cool with tutoring..... what makes this-

the realization strikes across your face. 

who in this school would you would hate teaching??? who is failing in English??? WHO IS THE BANE OF YOUR EXISTENCE. look to: c. e. w.

 “ofdjoaaja i’ll give you gummy bears or something” he pleads. and honestly, if you were not so broke, you would’ve spat on his feet and walked out the door. but you need the cash, and you sure do like gummy bears.......

you gracefully relinquish, and your teacher gives you a proud smile. he then goes on to tell you that his mom requested extra help smh why couldn’t she have just hired a tutor i hate rich people.. anyways so yeah pls Help me

so the next day @ school you approach your seat and you see eunwoo sitting on his desk, talking to his friends until he notices you.. and he’s about to open his mouth to probs criticize your untied shoelaces but you interrupt him and are like:

“eunwoo i’m privately tutoring you starting today. Meet at the library after school.”

and he’s just sitting there, jaw dropping to the floor and you’re like :) He’s finally quiet for once... 

but little did you know that during class he’d be pestering you with complaints like:“why you??? is there anyone else that can do it???” “i don’t need tutoring.. i’m getting consistent D’s... not a singular F and it ain’t much but it’s honest work” 

at a certain point, you get so sick of his complaints and go like “your mom asked for you to be tutored!!! OK i didn’t just ask to tutor you, you dumbfuck.”

and once you mention his mom he just kinda shuts up... and stares at his desk for the rest of the period

ou notice this and recall the teacher telling you that eunwoo’s mom is a tiger mom... you keep this in mind because now you know that making his mom proud might be his motivation

after school, you wait at the library for him inside.. but a couple minutes pass and you’re like ? did he forget ? .  

and eventually an hour passes and you’re like nope he’s definitely ditching

and honestly,,, you feel a little betrayed and a little hurt ... but just when you’re about to leave you see him panting and making his way to your table nd you’re like ???????and eunwoo’s like “im so sorry i forgot...”

and you’re like oh? so you didn’t ditch? 

and he’s like No!! i just ... forgot. 

and you’re like well you little shit don’t forget next time i’ve been sitting here for an hour..but then he reaches something from his pocket and hands it to you and it’s a triangle sushi (it’s super crumbled too...) 

and he’s like “i got this to make it up” and you’re like flustered and just weirdly but pleasantly surprised he feels this bad about almost flaking

but you catch yourself slipping and go back to your annoyed tone: “uh-What the fuck are you on?? I-Wh-I’m not hungry. T-thanks tho.”

the first tutoring session is... awful to say the least. 

he couldn’t pay attention well and continuously complained and even tried to go off topic

like you’d be asking him what foreshadowing meant and then he’d be like “so.. where’s your family from (y/n)?” 33r*#$&(@$

after an hour of no progress you get frustrated and shut the textbook, about to call it a day

but just when you stand up eunwoo grabs your wrist 

and he’s like “where do you think you’re going?” you scoff and reply with “why do you care? it’s not like you want to be tutored right? well i don’t want to tutor anymore”

when you try to budge, you feel his hand still firmly gripping onto your wrist and you’re like “let go of me” until you realize he’s staring at you dead in the eyes

and in a quiet voice he sadly says “please don’t give up on me... i’m trying my best.” 

it looks like he’s about to tear up and that’s when you realize that you need to be patient for him... and need to help him because he’s trying to make his mom proud. 

when you sit down again, he gets a bit startled that you gave in so easily but regardless, a relieved smile spreads across his face. 

instead of going back to teaching, you conclude that you two should “break the ice” first so tutoring wouldn’t be you two just glaring at eachother

“breaking the ice” turns into a two hour conversation about random things or anything that comes into mind. 

eunwoo is really good at conversing and he’s good at filling in the awkward pauses and bringing up new topics!!

next thing you know the librarian is trying to shoo you guys outside since the library already closed fodjsoakal

when you get back home, there’s a stupid smile on your face and you’re like SHIT why am i smiling? why can’t i stop smiling???? get yourself together youRe just helping him you still think he’s annoying!!! ..but he has a breathtaking laugh... NO he’s still that annoying guy i hate

the rest of the tutoring sessions aren’t as bad at you thought.. eunwoo is actually pretty smart he just has the attention span of a toddler honestly.

you could be trying to read him an excerpt from The Great Gatsby and when it’s his turn to read.. it’s absolutely silent and when you look up like ??? 

you see him staring at you and you’re like “eunwoo.. it’s ur turn” and he’d be snapped out of his trance and be like OH! and ask you where you left off

and inside you’d be like.. was he.. staring at me?? (he actually was. you just looked so pretty reading out loud with such emotion)

after a couple of more classes with him, he starts immensely improving in class. he doesn’t really bother you anymore, but he stills throws some playful remarks at times. 

tutoring sessions seem to be effective, and you learn that he actually has a really.. really great personality

one day, you’re approaching your seat in English and are about to roast eunwoo as your daily routine when you almost bump into somebody

but thank god you have great reflexes so you managed to stop yourself... and when you look up you see a handsome face and you’re like. Oh.and he’s like smiling sheepishly and is like “sorry! i’m clumsy hehe” and you’re like Oh.. he’s cute

you smile back and insist it’s fine.. and now you’re both still standing there smiling at eachother because he’s like eye candy

he manages to introduce himself as Moonbin and you’re like I’m (y/n)!! and then his face transforms into recognition and he’s like “oh! you’re eunwoo’s tutor aren’t you?” 

and you’re like “Oh?? yeah how’d you know?”and he’s like “Ah.. i’m good friends with him. i heard your tutoring sessions are really helpful though. you’re super smart”

and on the outside you’re like :3 m-Me????!??! <3

what you actually say: ah, thank you. 

then he’s like “do you mind if you tutor me too?? i’m kind of struggling in English as well” and you’re like “oh sure!” it’s raining money girl

the bell starts ringing and he waves goodbye 

 you go to your seat with a wide smile, and when you sit down, you don’t notice that eunwoo is glaring at you 

so when you look at him with a smile on your face, he gets even more glary. 

you quickly wipe the smile off and are like “oh it’s you.”

but instead of insulting you back he’s like “why were you talking to Moobin?” and youre ???? “why CAN’T i talk to Moonbin? he was asking me to tutor him.”

when he hears that, he clenches his fists under the desk and is like.. “did you accept his offer?”

and you’re confusedly like “yes.. why would i reject him?”

not one to handle complicated feelings well, eunwoo just stands up, his chair loudly screeching against the floor. 

he wants to tell you that he doesn’t want Moonbin to watch you read lines from poetry so dramatically, smile whenever he makes a joke, text him reminders to study before he goes to sleep. 

but when you’re looking at him with such bewilderment in your beautiful eyes, your facial features frozen as you wait for his next move, he feels disgusting for having these feelings towards you. you’d probably be happier with Moonbin, who doesn’t have these nasty problems you’d be burdened with.

but before you can even properly react, he’s leaving the classroom and you look around, grateful that nobody was watching. 

and you don’t know how it happens.. but your feet control themselves and now you’re running after him, not caring about class starting already

and as you’re sprinting, so many scattered thoughts run through your mind. eunwoo.. jealous? does he like you? and even though you thought you were interested in eunwoo... there’s something about eunwoo you can’t let go about.and there’s no way you’re going to lose him.

so when you finally catch up to him you grab him by the arm and turn him around so he’s facing you... you hug him tightly.

and the crawling feeling that’s been stirring in eunwoo’s stomach suddenly dissipates

and bc you know that nothing will be the same after this, why don’t you just end it off strong? so you confess

you quietly tell him that you’re new to this... relationships have always been a new territory for you. liking somebody is new for you. “please don’t run off and let go of me either... i’m trying my best, too”

and he wants to push you off of him, tell you what’s best for you, and go back to being the annoying shit he once was. but your hug feels so nice and.. well.. maybe eunwoo can be selfish once in a while.  

falling in love with eunwoo is a gradual but addictive progress. when people describe falling in love, they would describe it as fireworks... exciting but risky. you would pretty much say the same but.. it’s so much more than just that.

it’s feeling tingly and funny when he randomly holds your hand or shows affection. it’s feeling enormously upset when you’re not around him or when you see him talking to somebody attractive. it’s feeling empty when he cuddles you because you want this to last forever, but you’re scared because you know it won’t.

you tell him this as you two are nestled on his couch, blankets jumbled across and TV playing some cooking show neither of you care about

he laughs and kisses your forehead which makes you feel that stupid tingly feeling again. 

“are you confessing that you’re in love with me (y/n)?” before you can try to smack him, he says “i love you too.”and with that.. you quietly respond “i love you...” 

and it feels so refreshing voicing that out loud.

eunwoo as a boyfriend would be the most blood rushing and adrenaline pumping feeling there is. he’s filled with so much energy that it’s never not fun around him

he would sneak you into carnivals, and take you on the ferris wheel where you two would probably makeout in the passenger car scksksoao

he’d also try to win you prizes at the arcade but.. he’s just so bad at playing it and either A) you end up playing and winning him a prize or B) he bribes the arcade owner to give him the prize

lots of PDA. lotssss of them. 

sitting next to eunwoo in English is a struggle now.. he’s always distracting you from the teacher. 

like you’d be taking notes but then you’d feel his head on your shoulder and now he’s straight up cuddling you in class

eunwoo always encourages you to have more fun 

“you’re always locked up in your room, studying.”

thus, he likes to knock on your door and enter the house with your parents’ delightful approval (because your parents love him. so much.) and go in your room and shower you with kisses while telling you that it’s time to stop studying because you’ve been reading the same chapter over and over again

your texts to each other would be littered with emojis that don’t even relate to the message. like you’d text “i stopped studying. are you proud of me 💃👒🐟🥐”and he’d reply with “of course my sunshine 🍣🎧🔑”

you still tutor him but your tutor sessions are a lot more longer now since they take place at either of your houses instead of the library LMAO. 

+ after tutoring him, you two would just cuddle and raid your fridges

when you meet moonbin again, eunwoo gets a little jealous again since he thinks that moonbin has a chance of snatching you 

but after kissing him and assuring him that you’ll never be “snatched”, he feels so relieved

eunwoo relishes all of the affection you give him. and he always gives you twice as much :’)

one day the same English teacher asks to see you after class and you’re like “is there something you need?”and he’s like “.... ok so tell me how y’all went from kicking eachother to cuddling together in class 🤔🤔”

and you’re like “.. BYE I THINK I HEARD SOMEBODY CALLING ME”

the doors were closed... nobody heard anything... 

when you ask eunwoo why he hated you so much in the beginning, he tells you that he was just jealous of you. jealous of how flawless you did in academics and how you’re such a bright student + your glares were “extremely unnecessary” 

he also tells you that his older brother is already a doctor and has been so successful in everything so his mom always pressures him and compares them

and you’re like weaving your fingers together while telling him “don’t compare yourself. he is him and you are you.” 

and you pause.. and say “and i love you this way. i’m proud of you”

and eunwoo just immediately breaks down right there because nobody ever tells him that.. nobody is ever proud of him

falling in love with one of your enemies was definitely one of the best things that’s ever happened to you :)

[sootbird]

Hi sootbird :) I was wondering how you study Japanese, like, what materials or books do you use, do you attend a class or are a disciplined self-study person? I've tried several methods and apps and such and so far, nothing really turned into a routine for me...

Hello!! To answer your question about my own personal Japanese study, I took five years of Japanese classes at my university and have a bachelor’s degree in it. Right now, I’m self-studying, because I’m still not where I want to be in terms of fluency. It takes a fair bit of discipline, but I think it’s fun and I’m a big nerd so I like to study it every day. ;;

I’m so excited you’re interested in learning Japanese!! It’s such a neat language. I’m not entirely sure how to advise self-study straight from the beginning, but I can try! I’m sure there are lots of resources online for learning Japanese (it’s a fairly popular language to learn these days), but I also have a slew of books that I can recommend to you. Some are books that I used at school in my classes, and others are books that I acquired on my own over the years. The textbooks tend to be more expensive bc they have a lot of material, but I do think they’d be useful for beginning self-study, because you do need some sort of foundation before you can branch out on your own. I do think that having materials made me feel like I was properly studying it and I think has encouraged me to keep up with my self-study!

Textbooks:

Nakama books

These are the textbooks I used in my beginning classes. Nakama 1 was for first year, and Nakama 2 was for the second year. I think they’re pretty good books, and you can rent them for a semester on Amazon it looks like.

Genki books

I haven’t used these textbooks, but I have friends who did use them in their Japanese classes, and I’ve heard good things about them. I recommend checking the reviews and seeing which book series (Nakama or Genki) you wanna go with. Of course, if you feel like splurging, you can always get both and cross-reference them.

Other books: These are other books that I use to supplement my study. AKA you don’t need them right away.

A Dictionary of Basic Japanese Grammar -- Makino/Tsutsui

A Dictionary of Intermediate Japanese Grammar -- Makino/Tsutsui

The Handbook of Japanese Verbs -- Kamiya

A Dictionary of Japanese Particles -- Kawashima

All About Particles -- Chino

The Handbook of Japanese Adjectives and Adverbs -- Kamiya

Japanese Sentence Patterns for Effective Communication -- Kamiya

The first step you wanna take before anything else is learning how to read and write the Japanese syllabaries. Japanese doesn’t use an alphabet like English does. Instead of the written characters representing individual sounds, they represent syllables. Let me illustrate this with an example: the Japanese word for “heart” is こころ. As you can see, there are three characters there. When written in Roman letters, it is spelled “kokoro.” Six letters in our alphabet, but only three Japanese characters. The syllables in that word are “ko,” “ko,” and “ro.” You can see how the writing system is syllable-based.

Japanese has two syllabaries. The first is called hiragana. The second is called katakana. The syllables represented by these two systems are exactly the same, but the syllabaries are used differently. Hiragana tends to be used more, and katakana tends to be used for loan words (words from other languages that have been integrated into Japanese). I’ll use “kokoro” as an example again.

Here is “kokoro” in hiragana: こころ

Here is “kokoro” in katakana: ココロ

The use of hiragana versus katakana is something you’ll get used to with experience, but it’s important to know BOTH syllabaries. I didn’t learn katakana well enough at the beginning and it haunts me to this day. Don’t rely too heavily on romaji (the writing of Japanese words in Roman letters) because the Japanese don’t use it. Only use it as a pronunciation tool at the beginning. I do use romaji on a romaji-to-Japanese keyboard I have on my phone, but that’s really just a matter of convenience and for quicker typing.

Learn both of the syllabaries and practice writing the letters as you go. I recommend using a fun pen! After that, the textbooks can tell you what to do next. (The textbooks do tell you how to learn hiragana and katakana as well at the start, if you need more guidance than the internet gives you.)

Here are some other important resources that will be a big help to you:

Dictionary app: A Japanese dictionary is gonna be really important and I find that it’s handy to have one on your phone. I don’t know about Android, but the App Store has a few of them. I use one that’s just called “Japanese Dictionary” and it’s got a red icon.

Online dictionary: If you can’t get your hands on a dictionary app or if you’re on the computer, you can use this great online Japanese dictionary called Jisho. I use it frequently when I’m on my computer.

Flashcard app: Flashcards are gonna be your best friend. I recommend getting a good flashcard app. The one I use is Anki, and I have it on my phone and on my computer. You can download it for free on your computer and I think it’s free for Android. I have an iPhone and I had to pay 25 bucks for the app but I’ve heard that there’s a free version on the App Store too? It might just have ads, but I’m not sure. Anyway, Anki is great because it will make note of the flashcards you’re having trouble with and give them to you with more frequency. There are also a lot of decks that people have uploaded to the Anki website, so you can find all sorts of community-made Japanese decks that you can import (I think you have to import a deck on the desktop version, but then you can sync it up to your phone). 

And finally, some things to keep in mind before starting Japanese. 

Japanese is generally agreed upon to be a pretty difficult language to learn (for English speakers at least). As a native English speaker, I would agree that it is kinda hard. The general sentence structure of English is subject-verb-object. In Japanese, that structure is subject-object-verb. Since the verb is at the end of the sentence, it can be tricky to switch your brain around to the order.

A lot of people will also tell you that kanji is a nightmare. Kanji are the third element of the Japanese writing system, and are characters borrowed from Chinese. In fact, Japanese did not have a written form until the 5th century, and all of it came from Chinese. Kanji characters however, have mostly retained their resemblance to Chinese characters. They more closely resemble traditional Chinese characters, and visually look like a step between traditional Chinese characters and simplified Chinese characters.

Anyway, they may look quite complicated and there are a lot of them. But you will learn to love them, and they’re so fun to write. This is a kanji-positive zone so if you ever get stressed about kanji come chat with me and I will reassure you.

Here is a book I am currently using to effectively memorize kanji, and I highly recommend it. It’s beginner-friendly.

So, you may get stressed out by Japanese and maybe by all the information I just gave you, but don’t worry!! It’s a very fun language to learn and anyone can learn it if they put their mind to it! I believe in you! Come back and ask me if you have any questions.

Thank you for the ask and I hope this helps!!

[mbeebowriting]

draco malfoy x reader

warnings: none other than a kinda ooc draco!

word count: 1.8k

notes: okay this is very specific and super self indulgent but also really sweet and cute so!!! enjoy!!! (also this is unedited bc im too antsy and excited to post it

     the past 2 weeks had overwhelmed you. tests, papers, concerts, forced social gatherings- your energy had just run out. you still had another week to go before any kind of break though- so the timing of your burnout was less than ideal. at this point, you barely had enough energy to talk to your friends, so when draco malfoy tapped on your shoulder during class, you whirled around, ready to fight. what you weren’t expecting was his question.

     “can you help me with this?” you blinked in surprise. she you had short conversations before class, but it still shocked you a little bit.

     “yeah, sure. i’ll show you.” you walked him through the spell a few times, until he was able to execute it well enough to pass. 

     “great, thank you!” he said with a smile. his politeness threw you off, and all you could do was smile and turn back around. what you didn’t see was how his smile fell after that.

     the next day, for whatever reason, he sat next to you, but you were still feeling equally as drained as the day before. at the end of class he stopped you from leaving with yet again, a small conversation.

     “do you think we could meet out of class to work on these charms? you seem to really understand it and i could use some help.”

     “im sorry draco- my schedule is completely packed until our break.” you replied with a sad smile. “i’ve actually got another performance tonight for the staff dinner.”

     “hm. what about after that? we could grab some dinner and study.” you were taken aback again. why was he being so nice to you? you couldn’t turn him down after he’s showing you kindness you’ve never seen before. plus, he was really cute, you’ve always kind of had a thing for him. 

     “alright, how about 8 o’clock in the great hall?”

     “great, it’s a date.” he said with a wink before leaving the class- leaving you flustered and unsure of what just happened.

     after you had finished your performance, you made your way to the great hall, spotting draco on the way. you chatted idly while grabbing some food and a table. draco sat to your right and your textbooks piled up to your left.  once you began studying, you felt the weight of the day hit you, and you ended up zoning out and staring at your textbook. you laid your head in your hand and decided to close your eyes for just one minute. unsurprisingly, you fell asleep. when you woke up, you and draco were the only ones in the room.

     “good morning.” draco said. it was at this point that you realized the position you were in, in your sleep, you had shifted so that  your head was resting on his shoulder. you immediately lifted your head up and avoided eye contact with him. 

     “what time is it?”

     “11:30-ish.”

     “you let me sleep that long?’ you exclaimed.

     “you just seemed so tired and like you needed a break. and plus…” he trailed off. “nevermind.”

     “no no, wait. plus what?” he became visibly flustered.

     “nothing, there is no plus!”

     “tell me what the plus is or i’ll ditch you and hang out with potter instead.” his eyes widened- did that actually make him mad?

     “fine. i was just going to say you looked cute on my shoulder like that.” now it was your turn to be flustered. suddenly your textbook was incredibly interesting. you could feel him smirking beside you, but couldn’t bring yourself to look at him. he leaned into to your ear and sent chills down your spine as he spoke. “but to be fair, you look cute all the time.” you covered your face with your hands to hide your blush. he went to pull your hands away, and chuckled as you swatted them away. “hey, you asked for this! why are you so embarrassed anyway, i’m just stating facts.” you sighed in response, but couldn’t hold back a smile. 

     “i need to go draco, i have another concert tomorrow and i need to be at my best.” your smile fell.

     “alright. i hope it goes well.” you gave him a sad smile and couldn’t stop the tears from pricking at your eyes. “hey woah, what’s going on? are you okay?”

     “yeah.” you said shakily and unconvincingly, to which he gave you a look. “i’m just exhausted and… i really wish my family could be here for this concert.” you were so focused on talking without crying your barely noticed draco’s hand holding your own. “everyone else’s families come for this concert, it’s our last one, but my parents decided… they would rather visit my sisters than me. i just wish someone would come support me at this last concert.” one tear was set free as you blinked. it rolled down your cheek and dropped onto draco’s hand. he was clearly caught off guard by your sudden change in emotion, but his voice was steady when he spoke.

     “what time is it?”

     “no, draco-”

     “and where?”

     “draco you don’t have to come out of pity, it’s okay. this is how it’s always been, i’m used to it. i stopped looking for familiar faces in the audience years ago.”

     “what? that’s not okay! when and where is it. i’ll be there.” you studied his eyes before answering.

     “it’s here, after they serve dinner.”

     “i’ll be there.” 

     “...why?”      “because you deserve to have someone in the audience-”

     “no, why are you being so nice to me? this feels so… out of character for you.” his eyes darted around the room, looking anywhere but your own. 

     “i- you just haven’t done anything wrong for me to… uhh…” he struggled to find the word. “tease you for.” you couldn’t help but feel disappointed at his response.

     “well, thank you for that i guess. but we should really get going. it’s late.” he agreed with you, so you packed up all your things and went your separate ways.

     “(y/n)!” your roommate shouted as you walked in. “where on GOD have you been? don’t you have a concert tomorrow and classes all morning?” you flopped down on your bed.

     “yeah, since when do you track my schedule?”

     “you were complaining about it in charms.”

     “fair enough, that does sound like me. but why are you so worried about this suddenly?”

     “hmm, not worried, just curious.” she said, sitting next to you on your bed. “i happened to walk by the great hall just an hour ago,” your eyes went wide. “and saw you with none other than the prince of slytherin himself: draco malfoy.”

     “don’t jump to conclusions, we were just studying.”

     “for god’s sake (y/n), you were asleep on his shoulder! did he ever say it was a date? i bet he did.” 

     “well yeah, but i thought he was just teasing. he does that.” she gave you the same look that draco had given you earlier. “okay and he also called me cute and is coming to my concert tomorrow but don’t read into that, he probably wasn’t serious!” 

     “guess we’ll just have to wait and see.”

     “what?”

     “well if he has a thing for you too, he’ll be at the concert.”

     “too? excuse you?”

     “i love you to death (y/n) but you’re a terrible liar, and you’re not very subtle.”

     the day’s classes had flown by- it was concert time. you arrived early, helping set up the chairs and music, and once you had settled into your spot and people had filled in, you couldn’t believe what you saw. what seemed like the entirety of the slytherin house was packed into the front section, with one familiar asshole front and center. he caught your eye and sent you a smile. you couldn’t even think of what to do back, you were too shook.

     the concert itself went by quickly. you played beautifully, and all of your emotions poured through your instrument. by the end, you were shaky, emotional, and nervous to see draco after. you didn’t have much time to compose yourself however, as he was the first person you saw as you walked off stage. before you could say anything, he wrapped you in a hug (but quickly pulled away once he realized people were staring).

     “you did incredible!”

     “thank you- how did you… why are there… what?” you could barely get a sentence out.

     “i just asked some people to come and support you, you deserve a big cheering section.”

     “draco, i…” suddenly you were aware of everyone standing around you two. “can we maybe go somewhere a little quieter?” he nodded and pulled you through the crowd, out the door, and down the hallway into the courtyard. he sat down on a bench and motioned for you to sit next to him, which you gladly did. you took a deep breath before speaking, trying to kill your nerves that arose with the thought of sharing your feelings with him. you were so in your head, you barely processed what he said when he spoke.

      “you really did well up there today. and you look stunning too, by the way.” again, no thoughts heady empty, you could not think of a response for the life of you. he chuckled. “i’m sure you’ve figured it out by now, i’m not just nice to you because you ‘done nothing wrong’ or whatever i said yesterday.” he stared at you, waiting for a response, but all you could do was smile and let your palms sweat. “are you really gonna make me say it? it’s because i like you (y/n).” the final twist of the knife. there were simultaneously one million and absolutely no thoughts swimming around your head, but when you didn’t respond he started to lean away and looked hurt.

     “wait no- i’m sorry! this is just a lot all at once! i like you too draco.” you rushed out. he returned to your side, eyebrows raised.

     “yeah?”

     “yeah. you must have charmed me or something, because i really do. somehow.”

      “hey! first of all, rude. second of all, i’m terrible at charms. you know that.” you two joked back and forth until the moon shone brightly up above. after you both agreed it was time to head back to your respective dorms, a nervous silence fell. 

     “sooo…” you drawled on. “good night i guess?”

     “good night to you too.” silence again. “do you have time for another study date tomorrow? i spent most of our last one being nervous and trying not to wake you up.”

     “yeah! i’m free tomorrow night if you want?”

     “alright, it’s a date.” he said for leaning down to kiss you, and walking away. leaving you flustered and unsure of what just happened for the second time that week.

[ashesonthefloor]

get to know me :) <3

This sexy lil binch is going under a cut. feel free to Perceive. thank u to maddie for tagging me! ilysm <3 @mikeycliffords 

tags are at the bottom :)

name/nickname: my name is Ainslee! I don’t really have a nickname, I don’t think? feel free to come up with one, though

gender: hee hee :)

star sign: Gemini <3

height: 5′7 :) 5′8 w my docs on tho

time: 10:46 PM

birthday: June 10th

favourite bands: My Chemical Romance, 5SOS, BONES UK. there are a lot more that I like but favourite usually means knowing everything they’ve put out so I feel morally like I can’t include them

favourite solo artists: YUNGBLUD, AshNikko, grandson, Ashton Irwin (I guess?). lots more I like but same dealio as above.

song stuck in my head: none atm since I’m listening to music. but I’ve had the Hound Dog cover by Elvis Presley stuck in my head for WEEKS because of my history of rock class

last movie: Taxi Driver. it’s a cult classic I guess but I’d never heard of it. it was terrible anyway. I find that most cult classics are not the greatest, but they paved the way, uno?

last show: Bob’s Burgers <3 w my family

when did i make this blog: this one? uhhh....fuckin’ hell, like April or May of 2020? but I’ve been on tumblr since like 2015/2016

what i post: fics, moodboards, edits, lyric edits, weird stuff I think of. what I want to, basically :)

the last thing i googled: gonna b honest, probably no idea because I search on incognito for pretty much everything. but I actually just checked and I Know what it was. it was about amazon prime (coming for u b*zos.......)

other blogs: I’ve got......several.......but I don’t really give out their URLs much. who knows tho, maybe u will bump into me in another fandom :) though I am not very active on those ngl

do i get asks: sometimes, yeah! and I love ‘em

why i chose this url: ngl bc I thought it was a sexy as hell url. think it suits my vibes somewhat

following: 88 :) I don’t like my dash being so full I can’t keep up...so I’ll stalk people sometimes

followers: [redacted]

average hours of sleep: either, like, 6 or 12, no in between. insomnia n chronic illness rights <3 I aim for 12 though

lucky number: 13

instruments: the flute and the piccolo! I was in band for eight years. if this means what I can play, at least? 

what am i wearing right now: haha tumblr ;))) r u hitting on me......I’m wearing pajamas, actually. a grey shirt from when I worked with kids, specifically

dream trip: uhhhh.....anywhere? I want to see London, and I’ve got friends in England, so. I’ve been to Japan but going back would be nice. maybe Sydney? but I think I’d melt

favourite foods: probably like....a good cheeseburger. or pasta. loml <3

nationality: unfortunately American. go on, just call me Mrs. All American :)

favourite song: this is just cruel how am I supposed to choose ONE! I don’t have just one EVER! I’ll go with uhhh Cemetery Drive by MCR, superdeadfriends by YUNGBLUD, and Die a Little by YUNGBLUD just because I’ve listened to them a fuck ton lately. don’t think they’re like my favourite favourites, though

last book i read: probably a textbook ngl. I cannot remember before that, I’ve been burned out for so long I haven’t had the energy to read. but one I really loved from like....a year and a half ago, when I had a sliver of energy, was the Goldfinch by Donna Tartt. it rips you up and pieces you back together but u are Never The Same

top three fictional universes: Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, and Marvel. lemme be Spider-Man babey!

favourite colour: pink <3 and silver

I will tag hmmm @clumsyclifford @calumsyellowhummer and @valiantnerdtm !! if you’ve already done it whoopsie, I know I’m always so late to these

[kxias]

...so, yeah, don’t rlly know how the fuck i got accepted to be quite honest w you??? like that definitely sounded fake but yet here we are??? anyways, hi, i’m red (she/her pronouns please) i’m 19 and i live in the est timezone and i am so, so excited about this roleplay — like i said, highkey was not expecting to get accepted so it certainly came as a shock when i refreshed the main before leaving to grab dinner and saw my post? i’ve been dying to put this muse of mine into play for a month or so now but i really haven’t been able to find a group that i was Down for up until i saw this one ! i am a heaux for uni rps, an even bigger one for the greek life rps since i in a million years would never be able to join greek life (yay introvert!!) and while i wasn’t here first time around, i’m happy to be here now and writing w all you lovely people ; i’m working on getting her stats and wanted connections up so pls bear with me, classes started back today and i’m trying to sift thru all the junk of my online courses while attempting to enjoy my last moments of freedom but they’ll be up soon ! in the meantime, there’s a bit beneath the cut about my baby angel and a few ideas to tide you over, make the heart go red and i’ll pop in your ims for plots ! and yes, i do ramble like this all the time so Get Ready !!

tw: death, slight depression, mentions of verbal/emotional abuse

have you read the gossip blog lately ? apparently, a GIGI HADID lookalike was seen strolling across campus with their DANCE textbook. but nah, that’s just KAIA ZAMAN, the TWENTY year old JUNIOR, i’m sure you know HER. they’re mostly known as THE SANGUINE because they’re very SILVER-TONGUED and INTREPID but also RETICENT and GUILELESS.

so kaia was born and raised in chicago, illinois, the only child her parents ever had due to a few factors — one of which being that it was incredibly hard for her mother to carry a child + rushed into an emergency hysterectomy right after kaia’s birth, so she was their rainbow baby

her parents did everything in their power to make kaia as happy as they possibly could since she had been everything they’d wanted for so long, so whether it was letting her watch another cartoon before bed or enrolling her in dance classes at the age of three after a full-fledged obsession with the nutcracker reached its pique, they pretty much granted her any wish she could’ve possibly had

at age four, a few nights after christmas, kaia and her parents were on their way home from dinner, taking a road that was pretty notorious for collecting black ice in the winter and got into a really bad accident, and this cost her both of her parents

so in her father’s will + due to a lack of any other eligible family members, kaia was left in the custody of her uncle ( dad’s younger brother ) and it was...disastrous, to say the least; daniel had pretty much resigned to a life of forever being a bachelor and fucking around and now he had a four year old niece that he was expected to raise???

her uncle was a trashbag with a few shreds of decency (driven by guilt) in him — he wasn’t going to dump her into the foster system but he sure as hell didn’t want anything to do with her ! so in true trashbag fashion, he just decided to completely neglect her, pretend like she wasn’t there and hope she’d get the hint, and it took her a while to figure this out?? kaia was a sweet kid who went from having a shit ton of affection and love to being ignored and treated like she was a nuisance, and it fucked w her head at four years old

she wound up raising herself; all her uncle was good for was giving her a place to live, making sure she had clothes on her back and food in her stomach, and putting on an act when people gave a second glance their way. the only time he really wanted anything to do with her was when he could benefit her somehow, like keep one of his girlfriends around ( they all found kaia adorable and daniel ‘admirable’ for stepping up ) or when it came to the $$, her parents had left her a little but daniel pretty much absorbed it and took it for himself, to throw more parties or buy booze or play sugar daddy to one of his hookups?? like i said, trashbag

kaia and her uncle were roommates at best, and that was pushing it — she struggled a lot with the neglect internally, and her way of coping was to push it down, push it down, suppress with a smiling face and act like all was well. daniel was enough of a decent person to let her continue with the dance lessons which she absolutely adored, dance was her Everything, and by the time she hit high school, she started teaching classes at the studio she learned at in order to make some $$ that daniel wouldn’t take for his own

the older she got, the more she’d fight back a little against daniel and they had their fair share of fights ( which usually ended in daniel saying something to shut her down entirely and she’d scramble away ) but even despite that, sHE NEVER GAVE UP HOPE ON HIM...?? like, kaia always gave him the benefit of the doubt even though he’d proved himself time and time again thAT HE DIDN’T DESERVE IT

to her it was v black and white, she didn’t understand why tf he wouldn’t just get over himself and be a Family ( daniel is Where she gets her stubbornness tbh ) but despite having a little resent towards him, kaia never ever stopped hoping that he’d wake up one day and they’d start being a family and she still hasn’t bc optimist in the highest degree

when it came to college, kaia knew if she didn’t get out of chicago she was literally going to be sick, there was just smth about the loneliness there that made her skin crawl ( she also hates the winter now so she had to get as far away from snow as possible lmao ) and so she was like “alright i need a college on the west coast and w my dance major”, found crawford, and it was Settled

you ain’t getting my gossip blog secret out of me *wink*

anyways, now that the tragic backstory has been #unlocked...onto kaia

she’s the sanguine, which basically means bitch is a ball of sunshine, which she is — there’s no such thing as a stranger in her world, she likes constantly being surrounded by people ( bc she gotta make up for being lonely all those childhood years, thanks a ton dAN ) and making new friends and going out, she just loves people and people usually love her, she knows how to reel them in and keep them by her side, girlie will do Anything

she flat-out refuses to see the bad in people, even if it is staring her in the face, and this is where her stubborn nature comes in to play?? you can’t tell her anything, once her mind is set on something there is no hope of ever talking her out of it, she’s got to come to her senses on her own and even then it’s usually too late or she diminishes the impact of it?? she’s rash and got bad tunnel vision so it’s p clear where disaster lies w her

has the unhealthiest coping mechanisms on the history of the planet, tbh; she thinks the cure to everything is putting a smile on and acting like it’s not a problem and while that works when one fails a test, it doesn’t work w everything and she’s just forced so much pain and depression and anger down that it is Bound to come right back up at some point, so basically homegirl is a ticking time bomb

kaia’s also a people pleaser, she’d literally give you a kidney if you asked, which makes it easy for people to manipulate her?? and she doesn’t always see when she’s being manipulated either?? and won’t always stand up for herself when she’s being treated unfairly??? she just likes keeping the peace if at all possible

blurs the line a lot between doing things because she can and doing things because she feels an obligation to so she doesn’t let anyone down

ever since her parents died, she doesn’t like to give anything a second-guess — if she wants to do something, then she’s doing it, because it may not come back around again or she may not have the chance to. is the Definition of living in the moment, which is nice in theory, but kaia is v bad at compartmentalizing so it’s easy for her to get off track or ofc do things that will come back to bite her

dance is life, i’m not even gonna go into detail on it bc this is long enough already and like.....it’s just her whole world, ok, moving along

she wants everyone to let her in but she very rarely returns the favor, which is why i gave her the reticent trait?? she doesn’t tell people about her parents or her uncle, doesn’t let people see that iceberg of emotions underneath the surface, she acts like if it doesn’t exist then it doesn’t as far as anyone’s concerned???

girl is one of the greatest friends you could ever have but is a piece of work when you think about it, tbh, so that being said come love us !

and if you read this far: the reason this STUPID vine is my ooc tag is bc i have an ex named kyle who is a piece of trash and that vine is a p accurate description of how i feel about him.....plus it just makes me laugh ok going now

[perpetually-jungshook]

SorryNotSorry

(How to Change a Fuqboi- between the lines)

Word Count: 2.1k

Request: @baekinacupoftae​

Ok so I’ve read the fboi series… THEY WERE LIT despite being frustrating bc why the cliffhangers? u make me wanna cri. Nah, jk. But if you do have time, a sequel/closure would be nice. Only if you want to :) *whispers (especially Taehyung’s)

A/N: So! I have officially made a fan theory for my own story! Does that make me conceited? 🤔 or just a proud author? 😂 Haha~ This story comes from an “all one main character” timeline/theory for the Fuqboi series. I also included Jackson cuz why not? 😉 enjoy and as always, make sure to pay attention to details 💖

The light sprinkle of spring rain had ceased a few hours ago, but the damp smell still floats into your olfactory system with a vengeance, especially as you walk out of the department store for the last time, clutching your coat tighter around your frame. Thankfully, Namjoon hadn’t been scheduled to work today, so you were able to clean out your locker in peace.

Submitting your two weeks notice had been easier than you thought, especially with the excuse of “I’ve decided to focus on school” sitting on the tip of your tongue. It wasn’t a lie. You’ll be transferring to a different university this fall, but now you’re completely free.

Free to do what? Besides spend more time on campus, you aren’t exactly sure. Forget Namjoon? Yes. And his petty, disgusting denial of his true, selfish identity. Forget Yoongi? Yes. He was only a one time mistake you made because you were so desperate to get away from…

Taehyung.

The name sends a wave of nausea through you, forcing your body to double over as you reach your car. You swallow hard around the urge to dry heave, refusing to cry. Still, the memory strikes you hard like a punch.

You tapped your pencil against the surface of your desk, trying to concentrate.

Annotating poems was one of your least favorite things, but your literature class demanded it, so annotate you would. Maybe.

The loud buzz of the dryer gave you just the excuse you needed to abandon the task momentarily. With too much enthusiasm, you emptied it of its contents, suddenly deciding that pristinely folded clothes were a top priority.

This load of laundry had been a mix of yours and Tae’s. The two of you shared a hamper, after all, and the duty to empty it out often fell on you- not that you minded. Living at his parents’ house rent free was compensation enough.

As you made your way through the pleasantly warm pile, something unexpected made you stop.

A pair of lacy red panties.

They definitely weren’t yours, and this observation began the chronic downward spiral. Where did they come from? Taehyung? He couldn’t have…? Not again. Could he? Even after MONTHS of being faithful? Usually you tried to classify these thoughts as benign, unjustified unease. But this time, THIS TIME, you had something solid, tangible evidence to ignite your anxiety.

You hadn’t caught Taehyung cheating for months. You barely even saw him LOOK at other girls since the compromise. But this? The underwear of another girl?

Anger flared in your system just in time for the front door to open. You could hear it along with his deep voice, which called out, seeking you, “Baby, I’m home. How’s the homework? Will you be done soon or do you want to…?”

His question trailed off as he found you in the living room, pinching the article of clothing in question like it was a creature about to bite, yet also an object so fragile that it would shatter with the slightest movement.

Taehyung’s boxy smile immediately dropped when he saw the expression on your face.

“Baby, that’s not…” he started, but you raised your hand to cut him off.

“Please don’t speak to me right now.”

“But I didn’t-”

You placed the underwear down on top of his pile of clothes, shaking your head, “I gave it everything I had, Tae.”

“I don’t know-”

He seemed genuinely perplexed, but something inside of you had already broken.

“I just… need to leave,” your voice sounded hollow even to your ears.

“I don’t know where those came from,” he blurted, raking his fingers through his hair as the severity of what you said dawned on him. “Really, honest to god. Are you sure they aren’t yours?”

You didn’t even take the time to respond, picking up your pile of clothes to go to your room. Following, but giving you a few steps of space as if he wouldn’t dare CHANCE touching you, Taehyung started rambling.

“They could be my mom’s,” he offered desperately, voice cracking as you began sifting through your closet and drawers, starting a small pile on the bed. “I- I haven’t done anything. I promise- I SWEAR.”

You wanted to listen to him, to hope, to forgive, but you COULDN’T. Whether or not any of what he said was true, whether or not he HAD actually cheated again… you were done. You had given him everything. Your time, your heart, and later with the compromise, your virginity. Yet none of that could heal the wound of mistrust he’d inflicted. He’d made you feel cheap, like a slut, an enabler who knew her boyfriend had a history of sleeping around but STAYED ANYWAY.

So you had to do it. You HAD to leave. The waiting, the wondering, it was all too much. You couldn’t trust him, no matter how much you thought he loved you. Or worse, no matter how much you thought you loved him.

That had been half a year ago.

You take a few deep breaths, steadying yourself before climbing into the driver’s seat. Your fingers find your phone and dial the first recently called number.

Jackson picks up on the second ring, “Dude, I’m a little busy?”

“Sorry,” you sigh, resting your head against the steering wheel. “I just wanted to make sure you left the door unlocked.”

“Oh,” he clears his throat, “I MIGHT have forgotten… But I’ll be home in like twenty minutes, okay?”

Seven months and he still hasn’t found the spare key.

Living with Jackson had been third on your list of preferences, but it beat other options like staying at home or at Taehyung’s. Jisoo, your first choice, already has five people living in an apartment clearly meant to comfortably fit one. And Chaeyoung’s parents hate you for reasons you suspected have everything to do with her constant complaining to them about your “toxic” relationships.

So here you are, crashing in a two bedroom condo with your “third” best friend.

Needless to say, you don’t really get out much.

You pull up to the curb, lucky to find a parking spot in this mess of a complex, and with heavy limbs, practically drag yourself to the correct door just as Jackson’s shiny black truck haphazardly screeches to a halt. He tumbles out of it to sprint toward you, key raised like an Olympic torch.

Judging by the redness of his eyes, he’s either high or drunk, but this isn’t anything new.

“I got it! I got it,” he stumbles up the few steps before shoving the key into your palm. You can suddenly smell the alcohol on his breath. “There. No harm no foul.”

“Thanks, Jackson,” you sigh, giving him an awkward pat on his ridiculously muscly shoulder. “I’m glad you got someone to drive you here too.”

“Oh right,” he spins on his heel, abruptly yelling at the driver, “Just park it anywhere.”

You watch the truck lurch forward and roll down the street at an unsteady pace. Unsure what to make of it, you shrug and unlock the door, letting Jackson stumble in first, massive smile spreading across his lips.

“So, Namjoon or no?”

The name sends a prickle of irritation through you, “No.”

“Dude, I’m telling you. You should’ve just asked him to fuck.”

An angry blush colors your cheeks, “I didn’t WANT to fuck him.”

“Right, you had Yoongi for that.”

And this is why you don’t want to live with Jackson.

Despite the comfortably warm temperature, you suppress a shiver, namely because you know he’s right. Yoongi was just the consolation prize for the gap that Taehyung had left in your heart and Namjoon was the desperate attempt to fix your self image. Even so, you’d prefer not to think about it.

“Will you STOP?” you huff, throwing the keys onto the small table near the door.

“Sorry,” he cackles, giving your arm a humorous punch that (probably unintentionally) HURTS. “Okay, okay. I’ll leave you to your stupid books.”

Sometimes you swear that if you hadn’t been friends with him since before he turned into a grossly typical “bad boy” in high school, you would’ve never spoken to him in the first place.

Still, at least he wasn’t a fuckboy.

“Wait, want a cig?” Jackson offers as he pulls the pack from his shirt pocket, flannel buttons off by one near the middle.

“No thanks, I don’t smoke.”

“Eh, someday you’ll try it.”

You trek down the hallway to your room- well, less “your room” than Jackson’s storage closet that happens to have a bed in it. Walking around stacks of papers, boxes, and other random CRAP, you throw yourself down on the mattress, letting your book bag drop to the floor.

What you wouldn’t give for one of Taehyung’s thermoses full of homemade noodles.

Your heart aches.

Flipping open one of your textbooks to distract yourself, you stare blankly at the words, eyes skimming across them but brain absorbing none. You decide to give up as soon as you hear the front door open and an unfamiliar voice saying, “I left the truck in the parking lot down the street near the liquor store. There weren’t any spots open.”

“Did you hit anything?” Jackson asks in his easily identifiable slightly raspy voice.

“I may or may not have backed into a shopping cart…”

It isn’t unusual for one of you to have friends over. What IS strange is the fact that you have no idea who is speaking. Your friend circle is very small, consisting of Jackson, Jisoo, and Chaeyoung. Your housemate has a few regulars that frequently stop by too, Mark, Jaebum, and some guy they call Bambam- who you’ve always suspected is their weed dealer.

This voice is too soft to be Jaebum, he’s too talkative to be Mark, and Bambam never stops by unless all three are in the house. This leaves mystery guy peaking your interest.

You abandon your textbook, slipping off of the bed.

“Dude really? You backed Marci into a SHOPPING CART?”

“Marci?”

“My baby, my ride, MY BEAUTIFUL TRUCK.”

“Jackson, chill.”

“DON’T TELL ME TO CHILL.”

Classic Jackson, screaming, but not actually upset.

“Why did I let someone drive who doesn’t have a license?”

You stop in the hallway, leaning against one of the walls, content with observing. The boy with Jackson is beautiful to say the least. Smooth features, hair pulled up in a snapback, kissable lips, dark eyes, killer smirk-

Smirk?

That’s when you realize you’ve been staring… and he’s been staring RIGHT BACK.

A blush floods your cheeks, but you decide that because you’ve already been caught in the act, there’s no point in trying to hide yourself.

“You MADE me drive because I wouldn’t let you leave intoxicated,” the boy says, amused, but not breaking eye contact with you. Oh no. He’s hot and he KNOWS it.

“Ah, that’s right,” Jackson nods, tapping his finger to his forehead, big grin plastered all over his flushed face. “I’m so smart and responsible.”

You decide to not remind your friend that the reason he’d had to leave the party was because he failed to unlock the door.

“Definitely…” mystery guy trails off before clearing his throat. “You didn’t tell me you had a girlfriend.”

“That’s cuz I don’t,” Jackson laughs, glancing over his shoulder to follow the boy’s gaze. “She’s just a good friend who needed a place to live.”

Sometimes, you loved Jackson’s obliviousness. Other times, it bothered you immensely. Why wouldn’t he introduce you formally?

Mystery guy’s kissable lips form into a small “o,” and he cocks his head slightly, finally letting his gaze wander away from your eyes- only to explore the REST of your body. Heat shoots straight down to the pit of your stomach, making your legs weak.

Jackson seems to get momentarily confused, then scoffs, “When you’re done eye-fucking her, let me know and we can go get food.”

Unabashed, the boy nods, “Sure thing.”

Your friend wanders past you toward his room, letting the door close behind him and leaving you alone with mystery guy. Something pinches your throat, slowing time to a hazy halt, each breath teetering on the edge of possibility. The tension in the air is palpable and with each step he takes toward you, a pleasantly uncomfortable knot in your stomach tightens.

For a moment, you forget Namjoon, Yoongi, and…Taehyung.

He stops only two steps away, catching your hand in his to bring it up to his lips with another terribly beautiful smirk.

He kisses the knuckle of your middle finger gently, voice dropping to a whisper, “Well hello there, love. I’m Jimin. Who might you be?”

✩✩✩♔✩✩✩

EOPQ 12: So in what order (chronologically) do the Volumes occur? Think you can piece it together? 😉

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[captain-oblivious]

so as it turns out I forgot to take my meds this morning which explains why I’ve been feeling like absolute trash

basically another massive wave of self-loathing plus bonus anxiety aghghghhghjksdlfhkgjhhhh

some next level self-loathing under the cut; seriously, this will prob be disturbing af to read so caveat lector or whatever

I think I need to pop some anxiety meds because this is really awful

anyway time for more ranting about how and why i’m a useless piece of trash who will never amount to anything

my art will literally never meet my standards. I took four years of intense art class in high school (we did life drawing and stuff, it was legit) and all my art still looks like trash. the only people who say anything good undoubtedly say those things only out of pity. why do I even bother when I’ll never catch up to literal children who draw much better than I do. also what is even the point anyway when it isn’t useful to me in my career

my writing will also literally never meet my standards. I have a novel that’s currently something like 160 000 words long and I’ve been working on it on and off since 2009 and it’ll probably never get finished. it’s definitely never gonna get published because the plot is shitty and cliche and trash

even the fic I write now is subpar; the only thing I’ve really got going for me is that I can write a coherent plot and I understand english grammar and whatnot, but that’s literally the bare minimum. the number of views just keeps growing whereas the kudos stay the same, undoubtedly because nobody thinks my work is any good. the only reason I thought I was good at writing fic was bc I was in a tiny video game fandom made up of 90% children, so to them someone who knew how grammar and basic writing works was a Good Writer despite me not actually being one 

my prose is clunky and awkward and ugly, I can’t come up with an engaging plot to save my life, none of my ideas are cute or likeable, instead I just write what I know to the point that I project hard on everyone and write something where everyone is a scientist

people hate math and science enough, and I’m not helping at all to make people like it anymore because my writing sure as fuck won’t do it any justice

I mean, fuck, I always did terribly at all those fucking literary analysis assignments in english class in high school, so how the fuck can I expect to be any good at writing if I can’t even analyze what I read??? 

people keep telling me to just keep practising and I’ll get better but I keep on practising and practising and I barely see any improvement because I’m stagnating; my mental illness is crippling me and preventing me from being able to invest enough time and effort into any one thing in order to actually get better at it

why do I even try to do anything when I will literally never be happy with my ability (or lack thereof) to do anything ever?

in school I don’t do any of the readings because I can’t focus on a textbook for more than five minutes without getting distracted. either I spend half an hour reading the same paragraph over and over or I read an entire page and remember absolutely nothing from it. reading out lout doesn’t work because, again, I go through the entire page and remember literally nothing from it. 

so I’m just sort of fumbling through my homework assignments based on what I picked up in lecture and what I remember from my undergrad classes which had similar concepts, and I have not looked at any of my marks from my physics course this semester because I’m terrified of seeing my grades

I haven’t looked up my most recent mark from my programming class either because I am likewise terrified of seeing my grades for that; I thought I was okay at programming but I was doing worse than the average last I checked

why the fuck am I even in grad school? 

so what happens with the rest of my life? I go to grad school, and either manage to get a PhD or not, but in any case, then, I just end up in the hellish job market and then eventually presumably get a job, and then I just go to work every day for the rest of my life until I retire. or die. 

and then what will my life even have meant?

I’m not gonna make any important scientific discovery. I’m not gonna found any big companies or make any significant contributions to society. so what’s the point of my existence, anyway? I’m a fucking useless piece of shit

okay so there are people who like me or whatever. but then they die too, and then what? nothing. half a decade after I die and people will have completely forgotten about my existence, and then it will be as if I never existed because I won’t make a fucking difference

or maybe I do someone a favour and then somehow thanks to me they make it big or something. so what? if they end up successful then more likely than not they would’ve ended up successful whether or not I was involved in any way. and in any case, then they’d be successful while I’d still be a useless piece of shit, a nothing

when I was a kid people told me I could get into an ivy league school or mit or something. they told me to dream big

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I almost didn’t get into grad school at all; I’d have no shot at any of the fancy places

people told me I’d be a famous scientist or something

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

my research right now is mostly ‘gee wiz’ shit that nobody outside the field really gives a fuck about and it’s certainly not gonna save lives or change science or anything like that

friends who, in high school, told me that I would probably win the nobel prize are now kicking my ass, academically speaking

so why do I even bother trying, I’ll never meet anyone’s expectations at this point; I’m no genius; I’m no prodigy; I have a small amount of proficiency in a whole bunch of areas but not enough skill in any of them to be notable in any way

I’ll never ever meet my own expectations at this point, I hate myself

FUCK

[synchronysymphony]

My dear that's too vague, please rant

okay I’m so sorry wow but here it Comes ,, (this is really therapeutic for me LOL so you don’t have to read it bc it’s going to be so long) (also under a read-more bc I don’t want to ruin anyone’s day)

my guy ,, I’m not the type of person to give up easily. I’m persistent, and I really do believe in getting up and trying again, no matter how hard things are. But I feel like I really should give up, because nothing I do seems to do any good, and I’m fucking up everything in my entire life.I adore academia. I always have, even as a little girl when I had to teach myself math, and assign myself grades because being an unschooler can suck for someone who genuinely wants to learn everything, and has no one to ask for help. But I was good at it! I did teach myself math, and history, and literature, and science, and all those things– and I taught them to my younger siblings, too. When I got to high school, I thought things would change, because I fought so hard to get out of homeschooling (not that it’s a bad thing; it just wasn’t right for me), and now I had a chance to learn, and be taught, and do real homework, and it all seemed so perfect.Except, I really struggled! I didn’t have a good background in math and science, so I had to work so much harder than everyone else just to do worse (which, granted, for an AP student isn’t really bad, but I’ve always looked for reasons to hate myself, so this was a good one). And it continued all four years! I loved learning so much, and on the few occasions when I could concentrate long enough to read the textbook, I got really into it and could spend hours just poring away. I took AP chemistry, not because I’m good at science, but because I wanted to learn it, and I was fascinated by the labs. But I didn’t do very well in the end, and that probably really affected my ability to get scholarships. I ended up going to Ohio State my freshman year, 2500 miles away from home, because they gave me more money than anyone else.When I transferred to UCLA for my second year, I thought everything was going to turn around. I was back in California! I was studying at one of the best linguistics programs in the country! Except ,,I still couldn’t study. I still couldn’t concentrate. And I still couldn’t get out of bed or participate in class or go to office hours often. I tried really hard, and I still am, but nothing seems to be working. I had to give up my computer science minor because two weeks into Intermediate Programming, I realized I couldn’t remember how to do functions (which is like ,, really bad lol). I love learning so much, and it’s always been my dream to go into academia and be a professor/researcher and share knowledge with the world, because in my eyes, that’s the noblest thing I could do (me in particular, not “one”). But I can’t fucking cut it in this world. My syntax class is so hard. I failed two quizzes, do you know that? Most of the people in my class really hate it. All they do is complain, and they don’t care about it, and they’re definitely going to forget everything in two months, which is totally fine, and I’m not judging, but I hate myself so much, because I do care, and I do want to learn, but I do so horribly in comparison. 

And then, my future. I love working in the lab with all my heart, but I don’t think I’m going to get a position there for next year. I decided to take a gap year, you know, because grad school is expensive, but now I need to find a job, and I’m so scared that I won’t be able to. My mom thinks I’m a burden already, and I am, and I really do think it would be better if I died, because then she wouldn’t have to pay for me anymore. It’s a bit of a sunk-cost fallacy, though, because I’ve stayed alive for this long, so it seems like I should continue on. But that’s logically not true. I don’t know if I’ll get into any grad schools, and even if I do, I’ll probably just fuck it up and throw away my chance like I did here. I can’t do anything right, not even the things I love. Yeah, if I’d done a different major, I probably would have been fine, because I’m a good writer, and I’m good at analyzing texts and stuff, but gosh, can you imagine the blowback if I’d decided to do literature or political science? It’s bad enough that I’m doing linguistics and cognitive science. I think the only reason people accept it is because they don’t know what it is.And speaking of which, my dream is of course to get a PhD in linguistics (morphological processing, yeah), but my mom wants me to do psychology. Which, okay, I’m interested in everything, and I do love psych, but she wants me to do it at her university, because it’s free. What kind of horrible person would I be to turn that down? It’s another reason to die, because I know I would go completely insane if I had to live in my home (without my siblings) for another six years, but I can’t say no to my mom after everything she’s done for me. I would be good at clinical psych, I know I would. I shouldn’t even complain. Because what am I even looking for, fulfillment? That’s so selfish. I’m probably the most selfish person ever, because here I am, in love with something so economically useless. I can’t pay for my parents’ divorce by drawing bad syntax trees. I don’t know what’s going to happen in my future, but I dread it so much. I never thought I’d be alive this long, and actually, I still don’t think I’ll make it out of college alive sometimes. I have a really detailed plan for when I die, and I could carry it out literally any time, and most days, I feel like I will. But I probably won’t, because I fail at everything else, so I’m definitely going to fail at that, too.

People have always thought I was popular, and still do, and I do act like it because I’m a conventionally attractive valley girl, but I’m so scared of losing everyone around me and doing something bad that would hurt them. It’s happened before – I’m too pretty, and I get too much attention from people of other genders, and that makes the people around me upset. And I’m not even that great anyway. Like, I’m fun to party with, and I’m charming (I think), but I’m not Good. I’ve had so many bad romantic relationships, and some of them are totally not my fault lmao but others must be. I don’t know what I did, but I must have done something. They would never tell me, though, so I don’t know how to fix it. Anyway, I’m also a really bad person. I’m so selfish and lazy, and I don’t do enough for others, and I’m so self-absorbed, and I’m a whiny crybaby who can’t even stand the word “bitch” and I’m just so weak and annoying and gross. I’m too bubbly, and I say motivational things, and I tell everyone to do their best, and it’s so annoying, but I don’t know what else to do, because I tried creating a fake personality before, and it was just weird, and I hated myself even more. I’m scared to lose people, but I’m even more scared to hurt them, so I end up pushing them away, or isolating myself, and I know I’m going to end up all alone. I’m so afraid of getting older. I have panic attacks whenever I think about graduation. I haven’t even ordered my sash and cap yet, because I’m too much of a fucking baby to go online and do it, and now it’s probably too late. I’m missing so many things, and I’m too old to be this young. I’m so immature, you know? And so ignorant, and so inexperienced, and yeah, I want wisdom, but I’m so afraid to grow up and get it. 

I have two papers to write this weekend, and a take-home final, and a final to study for, but I’m struggling so hard, because I just want to die, and it’s hard to think about anything else. I’m stupid, like it’s not even an indictment, I mean intelligence is just a construct anyway, but I hate it. I want to do better, and I can almost do it, but then something happens, and I fall back down again. I can’t do anything right, and I never have, and I never will. I will die as a complete failure and waste and burden on the world.

And I think that’s the worst part. Because above all, above anything else, I want to be good. I want to help, and make the world better, and create some light and beauty where I can. But I’m not, because even my presence, even the smallest breath I take, is an inconvenience at best. At this point, the only good thing I could do would be to die, but even that would have consequences, because then my parents would have to pay for the funeral (I have it planned– I’m going to keep them from knowing that I killed myself, because the shame of having a daughter who committed suicide would upset my mom so much, but funeral costs aren’t cheap). I just keep putting it off, because I’m a loser like that. Right now, I do have a reason, because I need to write the paper for my group project, but once I do that, I can die. My group partner can present it by herself, I’m sure. But knowing me, I probably won’t. So that’s another thing to hate myself for.

I’m sorry for unloading this. I really am. I know you asked, but you don’t deserve to have this dumped on you, and of course, no one else does either. I’ll do something, so don’t worry, but yeah, don’t feel too bad. I’m still going to do my best (at least until Tuesday).