#he can never be his true self with others because they won't understand / hate him (like what happened with Cassie)

[angelsdean]

shifter dean's monologue abt being human but born different and hated until he learned to be someone else. all while being linked to dean's psyche always gets me 😭😭😭 and in an episode where dean is saying one thing (it's better to be alone, isolated, not have friends bc hunters don't get to have that) while deep down wanting the opposite ("you got to go to college, have friends. you don't think i had dreams of my own") and his true feelings are only revealed by the shifter therefore. this whole monologue, like the one he gave to sam about his own dreams, absolutely can (and should!) be read as reflective of dean's feelings too and it just makes me sooo !!!

[pomefioredove]

angelum

summary: morally insecure reader type of post: fic characters: rollo additional info: romantic, reader is gender neutral, reader is yuu, yuu is at nbc now, hurt/comfort, a little fluffy, extremely self indulgent, rollo is ptsd coded as per usual

Perhaps he didn't know you as well as he thought.

But then again, perhaps he didn't want to.

Rollo had become accustomed to the comfortable home you had made yourself within his mind, warm and comforting and far, far away from the dark crevices he worked so hard to stave off.

It mirrored reality, in a sense; he saw it as his duty to keep you safe and away from all the evils of the world, the magic and sin and those who would lead you astray... some days, he felt that he could shrug the rest of his life off his shoulders and solely devote himself to your keeping. Others, he was bothered by nasty thoughts of doubt, those that told him he was only doing to you now what he couldn't have done all those years ago.

Rollo kept himself occupied enough to avoid thinking about it too much.

He did not see a reason to tell you of his mission, of course. You- pure, perfect, untainted by the sins of this world- wouldn't understand. No one would. But you never questioned it, either. Most days, you were simply happy to be treated well (the implications of which he did not want to dwell on; Rollo had made himself a promise not to pry too much about your experience at Night Raven College).

Always so grateful. So kind. Too kind, sometimes, that it caught him off guard. Rollo had not had a friend since...

...Never mind, that.

So perfect. So pure. Everything he could ever aspire to be, but never would, all captured in one person. An angel sent for him, and him alone.

But just as there were things you wouldn't understand about him, there was a sea of mysteries about you.

He can't imagine how you could cause yourself such grief.

Delicately holding your face between his hands, palms gently pressed to each wet, salty cheek, as if you were made of porcelain. He wipes away your tears with his thumbs, not bothering to pull away to retrieve his handkerchief. He can't even think of that right now. Seeing you in such pain is tearing him into halves.

"I'm a bad person,"

"No," he says, almost immediately. His voice sounds more desperate than he would have liked. He can't help it.

"I am,"

He had already spent thousands of nights wishing for some miracle that could heal unseen wounds, but that desire had become stronger than ever now. He would have gladly torn his heart out of his chest and given it to you if it would help.

He hates it. He hates that you make him feel this way. He hates himself for caring so deeply.

Yet, he still can't hate you.

Never you.

"You're not," he insists. "Tell me what's happened. I will make it better."

You don't respond, and it kills him. However you managed to get such an awful idea about yourself, he can't say. Perhaps it came from Night Raven College. Perhaps it's even older than that.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, because it is not true.

It's not true.

It's not true.

After all, if you are a bad person, then what does that make him?

You avoid his eyes. "You can't," there's long pause to take a shaky breath. "You can't make it better. I've tried... I've been trying... it doesn't go away. It's like... I've been shattered into a million pieces, and I can't be put back together again."

Rollo winces, though he doesn't show it on his face.

There are these things you do, these brief moments, soft exchanges of words, certain looks on your face, that remind him all too much of himself.

He pities you. He pities himself.

"Stop it," is all he can think to say. "Do not say such things about yourself. You are not broken. You are not evil. Do you think I would dirty myself by associating with such people?"

You're quiet for a long moment. He does not like the silence, so he keeps talking.

"I cannot address what you won't tell me, thought you should know that no matter what you were told at Night Raven College or elsewhere, here, you are valued. You are wanted. You are the most..."

Rollo hesitates for a moment, taking but a second to compose himself and rephrase whatever it was he was about to say.

"...the most exceptional student I have ever met. Your humility is honorable, but I will not allow you to drown in it. Let yourself feel this, recover, but know that here, at Noble Bell, you are nothing less than an angel."

Failing to find anything else to say, another long silence is cast over the room, though this one significantly less tense than the last. The only noise between the two of you is of crackling fire, though it sounds miles away when he looks at you like this.

Eventually, you speak. "...Thank you,"

"My pleasure," he mumbles, finally releasing the hold he's had on your face for the past several minutes and leaning back to get a better look at you. "...Let me help."

He sits a little closer, bringing your head to rest on his shoulder as he's done a thousand times before within the private confines of his room. Though, this time feels...

The purple and gold of his handkerchief cloud your vision as he gently dabs at your tears until he's satisfied, which he marks with a soft hum.

"Don't get up yet," he says after, allowing you to lean against his body for much longer than he has before. "The fire is still warm."

[goodnightmemes]

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE SEASON ONE SENTENCE STARTERS (PART TWO)

episodes: s01e05 - s01e07

❛ I'm trying to think of something more fucked up than this. ❜

❛ Stay out of my head. ❜

❛ I care for him more than he cares for himself. ❜

❛ A whole lot of concern's been wasted on you these past months. ❜

❛ Where are the bodies? ❜

❛ Well, then, I guess you better hope and pray you taught me how to clean up good. ❜

❛ You gonna let him do this to me? ❜

❛I'm never gonna forget what happened here. I hate you both. ❜

❛ Sounds like there's a maniac on the loose. ❜

❛ So much wine in his blood. And beer and whisky. ❜

❛ Happy? We were not happy. ❜

❛ Who am I supposed to love? ❜

❛ Why can't I make one? No matter how much blood I give them, they just lie there gaspin'. ❜

❛ What is this? Look at me. What have you done? ❜

❛ If you could find them, which you won't, they would shred you to strips, because you are built like a bird - because you are a mistake. ❜

❛ He treats us like shit and you take it! Why is that? ❜

❛ Been following you. You ain't been your careful self. ❜

❛ Don't... Don't run off. ❜

❛ Poor dear. She wasn't held enough in between ritualistic murders. ❜

❛ Once you put it out there, they decide what it is. It can get away from you. ❜

❛ Assume we are under suspicion. ❜

❛ We should leave the city, start anew. ❜

❛ Should I do like you instead? Read the first pages of every book, pass myself off as cultured? ❜

❛ You draw me into your gloom. ❜

❛ So, quick stop home to do laundry before you fuck off for good. ❜

❛ If what I've read is lies, then tell me what's true. ❜

❛ The vampires out there are vicious. Oh...but you've learned that already. ❜

❛ Come with me!  I thought I could live without you, but I was wrong. ❜

❛ His love is a small box he keeps you in. Don't stay in it. ❜

❛ I fought myself a million times, fought my nature, controlled my temper. I never once harmed you. ❜

❛ Let him go. It's me you want. ❜

❛ Listen to me, and listen very carefully, my infant death. It was never you. ❜

❛ I have patiently waited in vain for you to love me... as I love you. ❜

❛ Just say it. Say, "I am never going to love you". It would help me a great deal to hear that from your lips...your quivering...hateful lips. ❜

❛ Excruciating pain was the proof I was still alive. ❜

❛ You know he's a vampire, right? ❜

❛ NDAs signed by any and all who cross the threshold, eh? ❜

❛ Are you still dreaming about our first meeting? ❜

❛ Are we the sum of our worst moments? Can we be forgiven if we do not forgive others ourselves? ❜

❛ You gonna be my knight in vengeful black? ❜

❛ Save your charity for the needful. ❜

❛ I was someone I don't want to be anymore. I've changed. Let me prove it to you. I'm nothing without you. ❜

❛ If you want me to go away, just say so. I'll obey you. I'll leave your life forever. ❜

❛ This silence is cruel. And you were never cruel. ❜

❛ Write me a song and put your lover's voice on it? What the fuck is wrong with your head? ❜

❛ Put some clothes on and get the fuck out. ❜

❛ The vampire bond. There is no human equivalent. Lover, murderer, maker. ❜

❛ It's a bond that can never fully be severed. A bond like that makes you believe there are only two of you on the planet. ❜

❛ I cried. I called to God. I didn't want this. But I have a capacity for enduring. ❜

❛ We leave the damage so we never forget the damage. ❜

❛ She's grown very protective of me. ❜

❛ I ask these questions because I'm trying to understand you better. ❜

❛ I'm sorry for your losses. ❜

❛ I admire your steadfast pursuit of a game you clearly have no acumen for. ❜

❛ You're ugly when you act like that. ❜

❛ They don't appreciate you like I do. ❜

❛ You're like me. You like to laugh. ❜

❛ Well, now that I'm dead, I can be whoever I want. ❜

❛ I seek refuge from complaints when I visit you, dear. ❜

❛ He's the father of lies. ❜

❛ This life, it does a number on the head, on the soul... if we even have a soul. ❜

❛ When he hurts you again, and he will, come find me. ❜

❛ You don't need me. You think you do, but you don't. You're smarter now. You see trouble coming a mile away. ❜

❛ You left without saying goodbye. Again. ❜

❛ Back in your cage, sweetheart. ❜

❛ We endure each other for [name]’s happiness. ❜

❛ I love you. I don't say it often enough anymore. ❜

❛ You threaten a life which will endure till the end of the world. ❜

❛ Are you a narc? ❜

❛ I want to interview you. ❜

❛ So...question. Can an immortal meet mortality? ❜

❛ We would spend our hours enduring, with little pretense of getting along, locked together in hatred. ❜

❛ Knowledge is the ocean's edge. ❜

❛ They say that Satan lives in this house. ❜

❛ Well, send Saint Peter our regards. ❜

❛ We have to leave this place. ❜

❛ Maybe start by telling me the plan? ❜

❛ You spend an hour alone with him and you're breathing in sync together. ❜

❛ I'll lose myself in him. ❜

❛ You irritate me. Your very presence irritates me. ❜

❛ I came to make peace with you. ❜

❛ No one's comin' to a party thrown by freaks. ❜

❛ You're gonna try to kill him at this party? ❜

❛ I mean, this is all good and... sufficiently creepy. What do you want? ❜

❛ Would you like to know the secret of immortality? ❜

❛ I wanted him dead. I wanted him all to myself. ❜

❛ I'm going to miss this place. ❜

❛ I was his, and he was mine. ❜

❛ Always the petty slights with you. ❜

❛ We are joined by a cord, by a cord that you cannot see, but it is real. It is real. ❜

❛ I have loved you...with all myself. ❜

❛ I'm happy it was you...here with me…at the end. ❜

❛ This horror that had been [name]...I stared helplessly at it. The thing lay still. ❜

❛ Murder? What murder? It was an act of mercy. ❜

❛ You didn't kill him. You spared him, out of some fucked-up idea you had about love. ❜

❛ We have to burn him. It's the only way we'll know! ❜

❛ You don't need a memoir. You need a hundred sessions of EMDR. ❜

❛ You've only heard half the story. ❜

❛ This time, I won't save your life. ❜

[starlithumanity]

I don't even know what you can say to the people who somehow missed that all of Ed's violence is a) anti-imperial, b) protective against direct repeated threats to himself and his loved ones, or c) self-destructive in the hopes someone will respond by killing him during his suicidal spiral. (That last example is fairly indirect and performative and comes from a place of severe nihilistic suffering.)

I don't know what you can say to the people who somehow missed that the violence is triggering and traumatic and exhausting for Ed, and that he is desperate for a chance to live differently but has also never known any other life. Stede gave him the one true glimpse he's had of something gentler! Ed didn't fully know how fucked up his life was before because that was normal to him. That's what growing up traumatized does to you.

I don't know what you can say to the people who somehow missed that the suicidal spiral is a result of Ed's circumstances: of Ed being threatened by Izzy after Izzy repeatedly found ways to force Ed back towards the violent life Ed wants so much to escape, of Ed losing his one glimpse at safety and happiness through Stede and now having to face the darkness knowing he nearly found something different, of Ed feeling like the only way he can survive in this world is by being an "unlovable" monster he hates--and then he's confronted by Izzy telling him he's still not getting it right. Of course Ed gives up then.

I don't know what you can say to the people who somehow missed the show's themes about how much harm is caused by toxic masculinity and by masking your true self and by cultures founded on trauma and self-hate and burnout. (You do see the burnout in Ed, yeah?)

I do get why some people might not understand the complexities of Ed's relationship with Izzy--how codependent and enmeshed their identities are--or the layers of symbolism that position Izzy in the story as a metaphor for traditional pirate culture and its harmful impact. (Which is particularly triggering for Ed on a daddy issues level because that's his original trauma.) If you understand those things, the unique nature of the physical harm Ed does to Izzy in this story makes even more sense.

Ed also frequently communicates through metaphor himself. Him cutting off Izzy's toes is not only a show trying to convince Izzy he's playing Blackbeard right and not only a response to Izzy repeatedly threatening Stede/continuing to threaten Ed, but also is meant to physically represent the harm that Izzy has done emotionally to Ed. Ed is communicating to Izzy the only way he knows how anymore: "See how it feels to be forced to lose parts of yourself? Stede was a part of me. My hopes of softness and joy were a part of me. You cut those off too."

There is so much evidence against the thought that Ed is some irredemable, monstrous lover of violence who will hurt Stede someday. Stede would have to repeatedly and directly threaten someone else Ed loves first (which Stede won't do), and even then, Ed would really have to fight with himself.

It's not his nature, y'all, and I'm so frustrated that some people keep insisting it is. I'm frustrated about what that says about people's ability to empathize and consider reasons for or contexts behind behaviors--particularly when the character in question is an openly queer and likely neurodivergent indigenous man. Is it so hard to have compassion and forgiveness for him? Please don't get stuck in that punitive, dehumanizing mindset.

Redemption is so important, which is why I appreciate that Izzy gets a growth arc once he stops centering his entire identity on the Blackbeard persona and clinging to toxic masculinity. (Seeing Stede's impact, how different things could be, vs. the harm caused by the traditional ways, changes Izzy too!) Izzy's time, as a side character and mentor figure and piracy metaphor, does end, but first he gets to live with more meaning and unlearn many of the negative behaviors. That's the goal, right? To move forward.

[mageofseven]

How Many Kids The Boys Would Want

This is just a cute post I thought of and decided to do.

All of this is with the Boys under the assumption that:

They believe the pregnancy would be easy or at least normal for their partner (nothing like my series were MC has their kid and there's a health risk in every pregnancy)

That they as a couple are in a stable place in life and are able to handle parenthood.

Based on the assumption that no outside force would try to harm them or go against them for having children.

Also, I wanna try adding Mephisto to my posts for now on just to get some practice with him. I still haven't seen him much in the games, but I've been reading posts and stories with him in them so I feel I have at least some basic understanding of his character and would like to practice writing him.

So yeah, I'm adding him to this post, but also please send me requests involving Mephisto (it can still be with other characters too) so I can practice with this man.

Anyway, onto the post!

•▪︎▪︎◇°●♡●°◇▪︎▪︎•

Lucifer:

Honestly, this man has already raised 7 children and still has to deal with the upkeep on 6 of them.

He is going through the hardest parental exhaustion ever.

However, there was a lot of aspects of raising his siblings that he loved and he wants his partner to experience the same joy he did though would definitely be fine if they didn't want kids all.

His answer:

1-2 (but would have to be convinced into the second one)

Mammon:

This man has a real soft spot for kids, but also a lot of self worth issues and lacks true confidence in himself.

This will ease up a bit when he starts fatherhood and actually experiences being a dad, but it never truly goes a way.

He's still a man who would be genuinely disappointed if his partner didn't want kids, but would also try to pretend otherwise.

His answer:

At least 2. Anymore would take character growth for this man and a bit of convincing.

Leviathan:

Oh. Oh boy. This man is gonna take a lot of convincing to have even one.

That's not because he doesn't like kids or doesn't want to be a parent though.

He just has like 0 self esteem points and is addicted to his otaku lifestyle.

Still, this poor lonely man has daydreamed about having kids.

With the right partner, he can feel secure enough to go lighter on some parts of his lifestyle and be open to having a kid and maybe more.

His answer:

1-2. Anymore and this man would be too overwhelmed so there's no real room for negotiation.

Satan:

This man isn't big on kids, mostly just because of his difficult childhood.

Doesn't hate them, just doesn't see the point in having them.

Still, if he had a partner that was adamant about it, he would agree to have one.

Another man whose view changes a bit after experiencing fatherhood.

He still has to be asked for more kids though; this man doesn't have a strong enough urge for them to ask his partner for one.

So how many can he comfortably be persuaded to have?

His answer:

3. Asking after that number will only cause him to have a long talk with his Kitten about not stretching themselves too thin.

Asmodeus:

Okay, this man loves kids.

If his partner didn't want any, it could possibly be a deal breaker in the long run.

However, he's already long decided how many he wants and all the activities he wants to experience with his kids.

His answer:

2. Any less would make him very disappointed but anymore and he would likely be a bit stressed.

Beelzebub:

Oh lord, this man cannot become a daddy fast enough.

Kids are a necessity with him and even if he tries to be with someone who doesn't want kids, it won't work out in the long.

These kids can come in any way though. You can carry the baby or he'll make changes to his body so he can. Surrogacy is also fine. And adoption!

Adoption is actually a big want of this man too and even if he and his partner already have bio kids, he'll still specifically want to adopt some.

Demon, human, does matter to him. Just adopt some kids who need loving parents.

His answer:

5+, but emphasis on the '+'. This man came from a big family and wants his kids to enjoy having so many siblings too. His partner will have to be the one cut to him off though because this man has no self control 😅

Belphegor:

Oh devil, none

At least that's what he will tell you at first and in fairness, he'll mean it at that this point.

Someone who would love a partner who was in agreement about this, but if not, he will eventually give in and agree to have a child.

Will honestly grow to love his kid more than he ever thought possible.

Another who will never ask for another one, but convincing him for more is not necessarily out of the question.

His answer:

1-2. Those kids would have to be borderline angels for him to even consider a third one though...and since Belphie is their dad, they are more likely to be cute little menaces 🤭💕

Diavolo:

This man wants to be a daddy so badly!

This man can't exactly be with someone who doesn't like kids regardless of how he feels on them.

I mean, he is a literally prince and needs an heir.

Has a similar energy as Beel, but has at least enough grasp on reality to have a stopping point.

His answer:

3-4, but more towards 4. Anymore than this and the prince grows a bit apprehensive. He worries that if he has too many then he won't be able to give them the attention they need and deserve with his limited time from his demanding job.

Barbatos:

This man loves children, but works so much that he worries it would be impractical and even selfish for him to have them.

Would be comfortable with a partner who doesn't want kids because of this.

If his partner really, really wanted kids though he would eventually relent, but not until after a period of preparation to help make sure the pregnancy and the early childhood of their kid goes smoothly.

Yes, that's the kind of planning this future-seeing man sees as critical.

His answer:

1-2. His partner is really gonna have to beg for that second one if they want it though.

Solomon:

A true neutral when it comes to kids.

He has neither the urge to be a father nor a repulsion at the thought.

He'll be comfortable regardless of whether his partner wants kids or not.

If his partner does want children however, he will only agree after a through talk with them.

So much changes in life when people have kids after all and he believes not enough people truly sit down and think about it.

A lot of people treat having kids as something you just have to do in life, like it's nothing more than a milestone they have to hit.

Solomon wants to make sure that if he and his partner are going to be parents then its for the right reasons and with full awareness of the changes and sacrifices that come with it.

If after that talk and a few days of thinking on it (Soli insisted on it), if his partner still wants children then he will gladly take that next step with his little Minx.

His answer:

2. That is the amount he will agree to without question with his partner. Anymore and the sorcerer becomes concerned. Is very much "quality over quantity" when it comes to children and understands that the more kids you have, the less time you have for each individual kid and wants to give his best to any children he helps bring into the world.

Simeon:

This man simply loves children; most angels do and people just assume it's in their nature to.

However, angels don't really have or become parents; they have older siblings who raise the younger ones.

Still, Simeon imagines that it's more or less the same concept and therefore looks forward to it.

If he had a partner who didn't want kids...well they better at least like Luke or wtf are you with the angel that's already technically a single father.

Because of Lukey though, Simeon would be content with a partner who didn't want any kids other than the sweet angel child in the mix.

Simeon is a man I can see as agreeing to have a lot of kids, but wanting it to at least be a gradual process.

He isn't the type of man who would want or be comfortable with his partner popping a new one out each year.

To give some context, he would only be comfortable having another kid if their youngest was at least 4 or 5.

Really emphasizes focusing on their kids while they're toddlers in order to give them a strong foundation for life.

His answer:

Maybe 5? Again, as long as things go how it's listed above, he's okay with having however many his partner wants, whether it's a big or small number.

Mephistopheles:

This man comes an elite background where there is always a 'proper' way for everything.

When it comes to kids, that means he's been taught two paths: a single child to build up and put resources in to be the perfect heir

Or two kids, the 'heir and the spare' method.

Though he's tried to convince himself that these must be the right way to go about with having children, something about these methods has never sat well with him.

So when he and his partner start talking kids, he has a bit of an internal dilemma to face on the topic.

With Mephisto, the question isn't should he have kids, but how many.

Because of this, the man has a lot of thinking and eventual talking things out with his partner to do.

His answer:

2, but can be persuaded to go against his family's teachings and have a third if it's that important to his partner, but it will take time and some comfort from them.

[sokkagatekeeper]

hi for the love of god hello every kid in atla is the loneliest in the world . aang is not just the last air nomad left he is also the avatar and his responsibility to do his duty as such while not allowing his culture to be forgotten and extinct sets him apart from everyone else in the entire world its not just one aspect that singles him out is his entire existence aang IS a hallow he IS the only piece left he IS the legacy he IS the loneliest person in the world the only one who can make his choices for himself the ship and the compass the arrow and the bow the history and the person responsible for any future at all. katara is the last southern waterbender she has made a promise to herself to remember that every day of her life even when her brother could never truly understand what that means to her nobody understands what any of her values mean she lives for the hope in something hopeless and faith in a better world she is the first one willing to get her hands hurt for her cause she has no female friends for fourteen years of her life. sokka has made it his mission to utilize every single piece of knowledge he can get his hands on as a weapon he understands the realities of war better than everyone else he IS the leader the brain the community big brother the father his life of self-made misery is but a side effect of all that knowledge and pessimism he actively chooses to carry for everyone else he hates being the man the brother the father the soldier but it is his job he can take on this enormous fire nation ship all on his own he can die for redemption he can sell his childhood to war for the war to have its heroes as unharmed as possible. zuko has no friends of his own he is the heir the disgrace the world's loneliest dancer he searches for the company of his family all over the world in the shape of a twelve year old simultaneously he runs away from the company his uncle offers but he will never truly get that company he's looking for because ozai just won't care and because azula is as alone as zuko is. azula has two friends who are her friends for survival for aristocrat etiquette for boredom and mocking even she is a child prodigy obsessed with an older brother of hers who keeps abandoning her to the father she is also obsessed with azula wants to please she wants to control she gets to a point where she has literally. no one left on her side. ty lee only ever lets go of her stupid girl mask when mai does they are both the loneliest girls in the world together they see each other better than the rest of the world but its still not enough they HAVE to let go of the masks for company they have to keep the masks for survival they are a mirror of each other but the glass is a cage they can't get out without cutting themselves with the shattered pieces of that reality. toph is rooted to her garden like another pretty flower of her parents she wants to be a weed she wants to be a rock crush the flowers she is a secret blind child her parents are ashamed of she looks for company in the wildest hardest creatures she refuses vulnerability when it knocks on her door she runs away and away and away because the ground is all the real sincere true company she's ever known and understood. yue is the princess trapped in the tower and the dragon is her duty her place her family herself her emotions overflow but as big as they are even they cannot create a bridge large enough to escape it she literally dies to duty her first love is as lonely as she was and the most company she gets now are stars and other strange spirits she was never made to be a girl but that is what she was. suki was imprisoned in the worst jail in the world at sixteen years old because duty because leadership because sacrifice because there are no more soldiers to fight this war she is a community creature completely isolated. every child in atla is the loneliest in the world

[dolceaspidenera]

About Astarion, Cazador, and what it means to be bad.

In Italian the word "bad" is translated as "cattivo", whose etymology derives from the Latin captivus, prisoner. I think our ancestors had profound wisdom when it came to understanding human nature, generally speaking, most people who are considered "bad" often act like that and hurt others because they are prisoners of their own hurt and fears.  This does not mean that they are justified in their actions, of course, at the end of the day we are all responsible for our behaviors, and trying to understand why someone may act a certain way does not equal to justify them. 

Astarion's story revolves around overcoming trauma and hurt to not repeat the cycle of abuse. 

On one hand, there's Ascendant Astarion, who loses himself and his humanity, in favor of his hunger for power. A hunger that is fueled by fear, and the conviction that he can only count on himself and only the ones who have power are safe and free to do whatever they want. 

"One last thrust and I'll be free of you. I'll never have to fear you again. But if I finish the ritual you started, I'll never have to fear anyone, ever."

In reality, he becomes shackled to his fears, never truly free to move on, to face his trauma and overcome it. He will forever be watching his back, paranoid and worried about being betrayed. He becomes what he has always feared and hated, he is now the monster that haunted his nightmares, and the cycle repeats.

Before Astarion, there was Cazador, who succumbed to his own hurt and trauma and ended up perpetuating the abuse. He too was tortured by his master, Vellioth, and punished by being impaled for 11 years when he rebelled, not even for the rebellion itself but because he failed. Cazador too was just a victim in the beginning, but eventually turned into a monster himself.

“The boy I was, the man I became, the monster that will not end. I sleep, but cannot rest, I live, but cannot die. I am eternal, and I grieve.”

It's even more telling when you realize that Cazador probably saw himself in Astarion, every time he looked at him he was reminded of his old self, whom he perceived as pitiful, powerless, and detestable, all his unresolved traumas were thus projected onto Astarion, who was made a scapegoat and punished. (NB This is not to pity or humanize Cazador, by the time you get to confront him, he is a full-blown-out psychopath, and he needs to go down).

On the other hand, we have Astarion as a spawn, who was able to reject the ritual. He recognized that the power on offer wasn't going to set him free. 

"I know you think this will set you free, but it won't. This power will trap you, just like it trapped Cazador."

He retains his soul, his humanity, and by facing his fears he is able to let go. He is now able to see that true strength does not come from a dark and twisted power like the one the ritual offers, it does not come from dominating others and from hurting them before they hurt you in an endless cycle of pain and vengeance, but it comes from within. It's the strength to be kind, to be forgiving toward ourselves and others, the strength to hope and be open and vulnerable, to let others in and take the chance to see if there are others out there with a big heart like Tav's. To live again is to care again. He realizes that he is enough, just the way he is, and he can finally start the healing process. The cycle is broken, and he is finally free.

"But you saw something else in me - someone else I could be. Someone who could break the cycle of power and terror that started centuries ago."

"You saved me from myself and let me walk a path where I can be free. Truly, honestly free. This is a gift, you know. Thank you - I won't forget it."

(I know most of these things were already discussed, but I had to share my thoughts. I love it when even the etymology of words that we usually use without thinking too much makes sense and everything comes full circle.)

Thanks to @myopic-skull for letting me borrow his super cool photo of Astarion being a glorious regal cat

[moonrisecoeur]

UR SO RIGHTT about everything but specially about ada. i have never and will never understand why people hate her. she's the best character ever and it makes people mad i think!! i saw her for the 1st time when i was like.... 10 i think and i was blown away i was like this is simply the best character to ever exist and i love her. and i still feel the same way tbh she's amazing and i love and i need capcom to stop being little bitches and give her an entire game or something!!!

oh my god babe sorry i never saw this ask but im assuming you sent it a while ago :(

anyway here's a stupid little analysis about why i love re2r/re4r ada bc talking about her makes me feel insane. i know you did not ask for this but idc i love her

i love ada so much genuinely one of my favorite re characters she is everything to me. she's not a good person. objectively, she's not. on the cringey ass alignment chart that dnd players use, i'd put her at true neutral. she is self-serving. she is selfish. she does what she can to protect herself, she is not doing bad things because she is bad, but because she doesn't feel responsible for the impact she has on others.

she's 24 in a run-down raccoon city, with a mission to obtain the g-virus. simple right? but then she sees a poor, naive young man, maybe a couple years younger than her. he's no threat to her, and she feels sympathetic watching him struggle. it doesn't hurt her to help him, and so she does. it's not done out of a selfless duty to protect others. it just doesn't hurt her mission.

in exchange for saving him, he helps her. she realizes he thinks she protected him selflessly, and suddenly feels a need to push him away. she tells him he can walk away. the silence after leon says, "no chance, you're stuck with me to the end." is sooo telling.

and then he gets shot in the shoulder protecting her. so what is she supposed to do? leave him behind? she's growing attached to him by the minute, and he has done nothing to deserve being left to die. so in a moment of deciding between her selfishness and her attachment, she, for the first time, chooses to help him at her own expense. it's so pivotal for her.

but she still leaves him, and runs after annette. in the end, she wants to help, but she won't sacrifice everything for him. the fact that she gets injured and needs leon to come to her rescue tells her that she needs him too, and she's not some looming guardian angel. she's human and fallible and her injury means she needs assistance finishing her mission.

and in the end, even after she slips out of leon's grasp and falls to her 'death'. she still comes to his rescue at the end. he was never just a pawn to her. he was all she had to get the job done.

she still protects him in the shadows from that point on. and being rejected by him at the end of re4r is so soul crushing to her, you can see it on her face. he wanted to see the good in her, but there is a difference between being good because you are moral and being good because you love someone. just because she helped doesn't make her a good person to him, and that's what hurts the most.

anyway like forget about leon for a second. ada practically abandons her missions at multiple times for him. she is cold upfront to protect herself, and despite it going against her missions, she does what she can to protect who she cares about. she’s not outright cruel, but she’s calculated. she’s deadly but she’s caring and i love that about her.

plus she reminds me of myself in some ways. she’s the moon to leon’s sun in re2r and that makes me want to sob.

[ikamigami]

Part of me doesn't want Sun to corrupt into some kind of creature, because not only would that be beyond traumatic, but mentally it would probably destroy him since he already thinks of himself as a monster, he only just started accepting that it wasn't his fault for July 16th and that was just one incident, and he said his most traumatic memory was "getting Moon killed", even though that also wasn't entirely his fault, and other characters(and fans) erroneously treat Sun like he's dangerous whenever he expresses anger even though Sun's never lashed out at anyone like that(killing Bloodmoon was self-defense and Eclipse was going to stab him in the chest hence why he lost control) and most other things were the fault of other characters taking over his body(like Moon, Eclipse and Bloodmoon), him being forcefully violated and warped into a monster would just make that worse, and on top of that Sun hates his wither powers and is terrified of the storms, so he would be turning into his worst nightmare, what he believed himself to be even though he never was a monster to begin with, how would you even come back from that even if Sun recovers from it physically/gets revived? There's only so much one can take

I absolutely agree with you..

But there are hints and foreshadowy stuff in lines that characters say or in thumbnails - especially those which seem completely unrelated to what's happening in the episodes..

Part of me doesn't want something like that for Sun because I know that it'll mess him up even more..

But there's a part of me that wants for other characters to realize that despite Sun acting mostly okay.. he isn't okay.. because of his warped perception of himself and in result warped perception of things around him and events that happens in his life and lives of those around him..

Sun is delusional but sadly no one including Sun himself knows that..

And even when Sun told that he blamed himself for July 16th and now he blames himself for not being able to protect these children and stop Bloodmoon.. everyone thinks that it's just a normal guilt that most people would have from such traumatising event..

But thanks to Sun having depression and psychotic episode with full blown hallucinations we could clued that Sun has depressive psychosis..

And thanks to hallucinations being centered around depressive theme like guilt and unworthiness.. we could clued that Sun has guilt delusions..

And trust me when I tell you that guilt and guilt delusions are two completely different things..

And let me tell you that most people don't understand guilt delusions like at all.. and they treat it like normal guilt..

But the thing is that you can work through normal guilt.. you can't do the same with guilt delusions..

You can't talk through delusions.. yes talking about it helps but you won't heal from just talking.. delusions won't disappear just because you'll talk with someone..

Especially when these talks look like those that others had with Sun:

saying that Sun is a good person and it wasn't his fault that July 16th happened even if it helps him feel better it's not helpful for guilt delusions in the long run simply because denying delusions doesn't help;

and even if Sun understands that things weren't his fault and that he shouldn't feel guilty nor like he's bad - not aknowledging this feelings and accepting the fact that they exist that Sun has them may cause more harm in the long run.

Even if it's good that both Earth and Moon remind Sun that he isn't a bad person and things weren't his fault so he doesn't have to feel guilty.. it won't make Sun stop being delusional.. in fact it may cause greater distress when something will trigger Sun's delusions and he'll experience another psychotic episode..

Because feelings of guilt and believing yourself to be evil won't disappear and Sun may feel even more ashamed of having such thoughts and feelings causing him to not open up about his true feelings or that he still feels guilty and like he's bad..

Because why he still feels like that when he already talked about these things with others and he knows that he's not at fault..

Sun may end up denying his own symptoms even more and/or hiding having such thoughts and feelings from others due to shame and fear of others' reaction..

And there are hints that Sun despite talking with Earth a lot and coming to her for support isn't helping the way Sun needs..

It helps Sun feeling better in the current moment but not aknowledging the extreme guilt he feels and not trying to understand why he feels this way because "it's obvious he feels guilty from such traumatising experience" and thinking that facing his trauma and knowing that someone else is at fault for something will make the guilt go away sooner or later will lead to a disaster, to tragedy..

And we could see many instances when Sun was hesitant and conflicted about many things still even after talking things out with Earth..

Because why Sun insisted that his issues aren't that important like others' problems or why Sun said that Jack didn't understand him or why Sun didn't want to elaborate more about the issues he has but others may confuse them with Sun being suicidal?

And why with other characters we had clear statements that they're depressed - Lunar or delusional and psychotic - New Moon..

With Sun it was only hallucinations and intrusive thoughts.. but it always seemed to me that no one took those too seriously - New Moon was joking that Sun is schizo or that having intrusive thoughts doesn't make you bad which even if true it's more complicated when someone has guilt delusions like Sun; Old Moon on the other hand treats Sun's hallucinations like something normal and nothing to be worried about that much which even if he's somewhat right because it's better to not be scared of hallucinations but again he didn't think that Sun having hallucinations may be a sign of a serious mental disorder..

And no one really seems to see that Sun is depressed.. like maybe Moon notices something.. but it doesn't seem like he talked with him about it - same was with New Moon who noticed that something is wrong with Sun after he told computer to shoot him with laser which was obvious hint that Sun is suicidal (even if passively it doesn't make much difference really).. and yet he didn't talk with Sun about it..

Same is with Earth she never picked on Sun's weird comments or signs that he might be depressed.. and she also refuse to believe that Sun might be hiding some things from her simply because he doesn't think it's that important or because he's ashamed of himself..

People who say that Sun is the most fine and okay character are completely wrong.. just because he's mentally stable at the moment doesn't mean that he doesn't have mental disorder or that he's mental disorder disappeared or ended..

To me characters saying that Sun seems fine and most stable shows that they just don't realize the true extent of Sun's mental issues more than that Sun is actually fine..

It's actually more dangerous that no one realizes that Sun has very dangerous mental disorder..

And I think, going back to your ask dear anon, that Sun turning into a Wither Storm Dragon may be a point when everyone will realize that Sun isn't as okay as they thought.. it's sad that this might be the only way for others to see that Sun's issues run deeper than him being simply traumatised..

And maybe fans will also finally realize that Sun isn't actually okay.. and not only Eclipse, New Moon or Solar have serious mental issues but Sun has them as well..

Also I heavily opposed Sun turning into a monster for the exact same reason you stated dear anon when I was on Discord..

But I can't deny that there are hints and a lot of them at that pointing to Sun possibly being not only connected to Wither Storms but just being one of them..

But maybe hopefully I'm wrong and it'll only lead to some traumatising angst and not big very traumatising awful angst..

Hope that you're satisfied with this answer dear anon ^^

[fallloverfic]

I am legitimately confused by repeated comments that ORV's opening is slow or boring or uninteresting, especially people who say you need to read [insert some very large number of pages/chapters] to get to the "good" parts. I've seen this on multiple socials at this point and I originally wrote this post months ago, but recent potential news has brought back people saying this again, particularly in recommending it to other people/trying to get other people into it.

I would personally argue that ORV has a good opening. A very good opening. And the early part of it is very good, too.

ORV opens with a literal train of angst, attempted friendship, workplace harassment (Sangah getting harassed by her boss), some neat Korean folklore (dokkaebis hello), graphic violence (remember when Bihyung just kills the president on TV?), a group of people in a subway attempting to beat an old woman to death, Dokja winning a pissing contest with a teenage edgelord, a bunch of people getting murdered, bonding in times in despair over a really unique form of problem solving, a man breaking open subway doors with his bare arms, young love, and magic, fleeing onto a bridge that gets exploded to bits by an evil gremlin, a horde of zombies appearing, the protagonist getting new magic powers, and then his getting held by the neck over said broken bridge in a complex back and forth with the "true" story protagonist before getting dropped into the mouth of a giant sea monster.

It covers topics like the limits of human compassion in times of strife, the complicated presence of the military (Dokja hated his time being drafted v Hyunsung's military leadership doesn't save anyone), international relations (Sangah is learning Spanish), trope subversion (I mean it is and isn't the entire book and Dokja's character, but he's constantly trying to be 5-10 steps ahead of what's going on, including literally fleeing Joonghyuk until Joonghyuk grabs him by the collar), workplace harassment, bullying, and it's all taking place during multiple apocalypse scenarios.

This is the like first 11 chapters of the book. And it never stops. There are "slower" moments, moments where characters take a breather (like it takes a while for Dokja to negotiate his contract with Bihyung, which is slow if you ignore the fact Dokja is arguing with an interdimensional being/alien for the limits of his own life and autonomy in the most dangerous streaming event imaginable, knowing he may still die if he gambles wrong on his personal wikipedia brain), but it's still frequently confrontational, whether that confrontation is about what characters mean to each other, what lives are at stake, finding your purpose in life, adaptability to complex circumstances, overcoming trauma and self-doubt...

And it's more intense in a way in the manhwa adaptation because you can clearly see most of it visualized (e.g., how visually wrecked the characters get, how young the kids are, how terrifying the monsters are, how scary the odds are, and how dangerous Dokja's gambles can really get with a fickle streaming audience), and Sleepy-C's art is gorgeous.

I just have to wonder (though this is more of a rhetorical question), what on earth do people consider fast? Because I am quite honestly terrified of what the answer is.

Like I get that ORV is long. It can be hard to recommend very long books to folks (and as the manhwa keeps going, long comics). To each their own, everyone is different, what appeals to me won't appeal to others. But there's a difference between "it's hard to recommend a very long work to someone" and "it's hard to recommend something that's long and takes a while to get into", and maybe folks are just writing the former a bit weirdly. I completely understand having trouble recommending long series to people. Also ORV has a very complex plot and I don't blame folks having trouble recommending that. I'm writing fic for later parts of orv and other manhwa and I dread explaining all the context for all that to someone who hasn't read them.

That being said, ORV has a very good introduction. Both chapter 1 of the novel and episode 1 of the manhwa are very good. They're not perfect, I can't say I was hooked from the immediate moment I started reading the page, but both of them have good introductions and it doesn't stop, and there's stuff to love in just about every chapter/episode, and I was definitely hooked enough by the time I finished to keep going to chapter/episode 2. Chapter 1 of the novel has great angst and character building, and it's funny and sweet and tragic. When I first read Dokja trying, earnestly, to recommend TWSA and getting harassed about it and worrying it will hurt this art and artist he cares about, but not being able to do much else to give thanks for this experience because of his circumstances, I cried. The first page/episode of the manhwa has them delicious boys love vibes and gorgeous art (and cute baby Dokja, I die for him), and the promise of a fascinating story ahead, and then the following page/episode has more gorgeous art and angst and great characters (combining them cause the first page feels sort of more like a teaser than a first page, though Episode 0 ends with a spread of Kimcom that makes me tear up). We'll unfortunately never know if I'd have loved ORV as much if I'd read the novel first, but I like to think I would cause ORV's opening is just that good.

I just truly, truly do not understand the sentiment that idk the opening and the first [insert large number of pages/chapters] aren't good or interesting or engaging enough. Maybe I'm out of touch. To each their own on what appeals, maybe I'm built different (doubt it though) but it just feels kind of dismissive of ORV's opening, in both the novel and the manhwa, which are both really good. Will it win over everyone? No. It's fine if you weren't grabbed by the opening or the first [insert however many pages/chapters/arcs]. It's fine if you took a while, even a long while to get into it, or never really did, and maybe don't like the manhwa, which is a great gateway into the story, or don't like the novel for whatever reason and prefer the manhwa. And at the end of the day it's just random opinions online, we all have different ones. Make the posts that appeal to you on your blog, complain on your socmed, whatever. But the opening is good, it keeps you very engaged with a lot of difficult scenarios, the characters are great and fun and funny, in those parts especially, and idk why I'm supposed to pretend that's not the case.

Anyway I don't like writing complaint posts. The opening and general start are excellent and Imma go back and cry over Dokja again ty singNsong for my tears.

[sucantslay]

Wataru and Eichi's solo song analysis

-How did it connect together and the meaning of their relationship-(Part1: Eichi)

I'm literally crying, and there will be more tears after this...but I must...

If you're questioning why I delivered this analysis so late...uhm, it's long. But in short, I've to re-read some of the stories just to make some needed points and to make sure that the facts are true ( and all kinds of business randomly pop up on my schedule, haunting me for weeks! )

Before that, I need you to read some warnings first!

This is my PERSONAL way of looking at their characteristic, if it is not for you, YOU'RE FREE TO HAVE YOUR OWN IDEAL.

Even if you're an Eichi-P, an Eichi hater, or just someone who simply wants to know more about him, I welcome you all with open arms. No one is being banned here. But pls, if you don't like or enjoy the way I look and think of Eichi, do not send hate or make any big mess. If you don't like it, just stop reading, that's it.

There won't be much of the translated song picture because Tumblr stops me from putting 10pic in a post so...again with the word.

THIS IS GONNA BE GODDAMN LONG! I spit it into 2 parts! And it still LONGGG HELP! ( Part 1 will be Eichi's song and Part two is for Wataru song ) I'll make a tag and put the link so you can get to Wataru's part.

I'll be using these 2 Eichi solo songs to analyze:

Shinning star + Crystal Pleasure

And for Wataru:

Amazing World + Wandering Clown

I'm so sorry if there is not much information about Wataru, as well as a good look into his character. We don't have much information about him so...I need things to base on, a clue to know what up with him, but it is hard to even find one because he rarely talks about himself. So most of this analysis will be talking about it from Eichi's standpoint. It's funny how both rarely talk about their family and other personal stuff but since Wataru is around and always able to pull some lore out of Eichi's mouth, we get to know more about Eichi. Though, it was not the same for Wataru because Eichi have lot of respected for him. There had been multiple occasions when Eichi tried telling Wataru that he could open up to him but after some silence, Eichi just said: "It ok if you don't wanna talk about it." And they continued on with other stuff.

Alright, let's set up a map for this one because it is kinda LOnGGGGG

A small summary of young Eichi and how he came to know Wataru + during the war and after the war ended.

What thoughts do I have on Eichi being so in love with Wataru?

Into the song: About Eichi's solo then we'll get to Wataru's solo later.

1. A little summary!

Since this post is a goddam 4 song-analyzing post, it going to be hard for those who just want to get to the song part, so I made a whole different post for it!

If you're interested, go ahead and read the summary, if not, you can get to other parts. BUT, I STRONGLY RECOMMEND YOU TO read it ( if you have the time to ) because it going to help you understand Eichi's character better and enjoyable view of his song and the connection he has with Wataru.

2. Some of my thought on their dynamic ( 0v0/ ✨❤️✨)

I'm crying in happiness to get a chance to talk about them. I really want to do this for a long time ago but never got the time to.

As I've mentioned before in part 1. Eichi is Wataru's biggest fan.

So, it is likely that Eichi loves him but also puts a distance wall in their relationship like how a fan is to their idols.

From the brutal war, Eichi thinks he had hurt too many people to be forgiving PLUS the self-hate and low-esteem, it is just like a knife that was already placed in his chest, after the war ends, it just goes deeper in.

Wataru visited him but it did not make Eichi cry in tear of joy but in pain, because to Eichi, now, no one would like to be with him anymore. It was a good choice to let Tsumugi go, so he can be free. It was a good choice to made that damn contract even if friendship is what needed to help a Unit grow strong.

That "Fine" was never a Unit in Eichi's eyes. It was nothing but a weapon he used to wield. To kill the innocent, carefree being, yet it was necessary.

An action he must took to made the school a better place. And he did, he succeeded but sacrificed himself in the process.

So, if it was not for Wataru, we would never have the Fine today. Heck! Maybe we never get to see Eichi again and he will become nothing but the dust of Yumenosaki's past.

And I was so in tears! Every goddamn time Eichi keeps on with that suspicious look, scare that Wataru wouldn't be with him anymore, that Eichi will be throw away like trash.

Like! Give it a rest buddy! He love you! That it!

And to that depressed little rich guy? Wataru didn't hate him or stay away from him at all!

He was also trying his best, like feeding a kid the food they hate but is healthy so Wataru have to keep trying.

He kept on trying and trying just to let Eichi know: "I'm here for you, and I won't run away, I won't hurt you, I won't betray you. I will be here, with you."

With that came! The shiniest moment of the two!

EP: Link!

When Wataru literally gave Eichi his one and beloved mask that he wear all the time, just to let Eichi know that he'll always be here for Eichi.

I laughed so hard with Eichi just confused at the spot until others showed up.

Like, Eichi, yeh? Rich, smart, good looking. Yet just for a mask now placed on his hand and he getting all wonder in space.

Why? Because he was so sure about everything he thought! To him, his plan was perfect, to the man who wounded many, of course, he would never think that the plan in his head would not become true. He did it before, how can he fail it this time?

It couldn't go wrong, right? He thinks to himself but never did he consider it to be just some random stuff that he made up in his head and reality is different.

When he hear the news that Wataru participated in the actor test, he thought Wataru gave up on being an idols. Then went: "Well...look like he didn't want to be with me anymore. Look like he'll be come an actor."

Like...man, you made that up. You're sad because of your own thoughts then later on get confused when it isn't what actually happened.

This man is such a pathetic guy, I love him.

3. Song analysis:

Well well well, isn't it time *look at my watch*

Even though analysis 1 song would be great, I do, however, want to put 2 solo songs into this analysis then one.

Of course, we'll go slow and analyze one at a time, yet I can't stop but put both songs in one post because, in that way, we can see how both have changed, develop though still full of flaws, they have become something beautiful and will continues to grow.

Let's start with - SHINING STAR:

"A twinkling trace of a dream from beyond the horizon."

"Even though I understand...that it might just be an illusion"

Firstly, the name of this first solo is "SHINING STAR". It both mentions Wataru ( of course! ) and Eichi being the star.

But the two are described differently.

In these lines, mentions the appearance of an unknown shining star from beyond the horizon, a faraway star that shines bright.

But the more Eichi looked, as he thought it was all just a dream, an unreal feeling of this star that shine far in the sky. Because it was so beautiful, but how did he be able to find it here? Was it all way that close or was it all his imagination?

"Today with you, I continue to chasing it."

I said it already but let's say it again!

This man you're looking at is once a suicidal freak!!!

So gained enough confidence to live up to a "Today with you" is one thing, and actually find meaning in life "continue to chasing it" is another.

Because when you're in a state of depression, to once again find the meaning it life is HARD. When everything is already at its limit. When you can't feel anything anymore

Nothing but an empty soul, it hard. That is why depressing people don't do many things or everything at the same time. They try to find a way to continue living or decide to give up on everything.

Losing motive.

Yet Eichi was able to wake up and try to run away from this death of him. He might die from trying too hard, but he made the decision. To continue.

And who gave him the courage for this? Wataru! That is why, it was a "Today with you". Because Eichi still wants to see Wataru's show and witness the beauty of this magician.

I can't die yet! That's why he continues to fight. For everyone, for himself, but right at this moment, when the solo was released, at this moment, to him, Wataru was the first reason for he to continue.

As he's love for idols, pulls him back to life.

"Beautiful things are so fragile and ephemeral" "Permeating through your eyes, I reach out" "Oh, SHINING STAR"

Guys, I'll count from 1 to 3, guess who Eichi was singing about.

1, 2, 3!

Surprise no surprise! It was Wataru.

The shining star he mentions in some of the first lines, as it was far away but Eichi isn't that hopeless of a boy anymore, he shows signs of trying "I reach out".

He wants to be admitted and to be seen in his beloved idol's eyes. He wanted Wataru to see him and caught Wataru's attention.

Even if Wataru is already there for him, Eichi himself thinks otherwise, that he still has a long way to go. He can't just be at the winning spot without paying any price.

And for that, he was scared that he might hurt him. Like the things he did to Wataru friend, the Eccentric and the old Fine.

He was so scared of this beauty now coming so close to him "Beautiful things" he called it, the feeling he had when he was with Wataru, with the things he love yet never had a change to tough it is "fragile", this relationship can be broke if Wataru don't want to be with him anymore.

But, was Wataru's purpose for being here in was because of him or because Wataru wanted something from him.

He feels like the relationship they have is "ephemeral"

( if you are questioning: Ephemeral means lasting for a very short time )

"Underneath this starry sky" "An unknown neverending path continues"

My man is confusing

This depressing guy just recovered from his wound and was still a little confused over the new future he's facing ahead.

It's an unknown path, may be perilous, may be terrifying but he made his decision, he'll go on, he'll continue.

He knows that it will be uneasy. For he who thought that the next thing he'll be on is his deathbed, never knew someone would have the time and strength to take his hand and pull him out of that destiny deathbed.

His future was switched, and now he had to face a new unknown path that he knew nothing about.

"And for your sake" "I'll keep on shining"

"I'll be "SHINING STAR"."

And for the clown who needs a villain to lead his way, Eichi will continue to live until Wataru no longer wants him.

He wants to, no, he is a star, an unknown star that yet to be discovered. And after Wataru point it out for him, he understand that he is also some where far yet close to Wataru spot.

So, to catch that shining star attention, he'll have to be shining too!

Thought Eichi didn't seen to realize what it takes to become a real idol. His love for idols is endless and so does he's wish for a brighter future with Wataru.

And with that, for Wataru's sake, he keeps on living, shining bright as a star.

"Hiding your sorrow behind a smile" "You understand the pain of resistance" "A lifeless flower is blooming in the plains" "Such things make this world beautiful"

I will kill just to legally continue calling out these lyrics that Eichi sings about, all pointing to Wataru.

If you thought, yeh, Wataru can't be sad, he always looks happy. Then, my dear reader, you are wrong. Wataru can be blue sometimes, but it's hard to know since he just kept on smiling.

You can rarely find a moment where he puts down his mask, but it doesn't mean zero.

In Phantom Thieves and Detectives, after Knight and Ra*bit show, Wataru appears in the dark. But he seems...tired and doesn't really care to put on the face of a clown anymore.

This is not often, but there is also the time when Wataru points out other characters about the fact that they're wearing a mask too.

The reason Eichi can sing these lines is because he notices, he watches Wataru closely, for a long time, to the point he starts to realize that his beloved idols also have their flaws.

Since 2 lines are already about Wataru, so is the third!

The flower is Wataru, but instead of blooming anywhere else, he blooms "in the plains".

A primarily treeless place. In that way, it was easy to spot the flowers.

Standing on the bright stage, all along. The soulless flower bloom. It was beautiful, but the more you look, you'll find out, that this beauty is an empty one, it was a host but without a soul.

"Without hurting anyone, no dream can come true" "Without getting hurt, there's no way forward either"

"Oh, SHINING STAR"

Oh, I don't know, maybe in his household, he was being taught that you'll have to fight to win things over. Since he's a heir of a big rich household, of course, he gets the education to become one.

In this brutal world of humanity, to Eichi, the way he can win is through competition, fighting and sometimes you'll have to be tricky and stop playing nice when it doesn't seem to work.

He could have found a better way to make the school turn from bad to good, but it is not possible to win over such things without bloodshed.

With that in mind, turning the table by starting a war, and such education had already eaten into his brain from youth.

So in his way of seeing things, there are no dream if you don't stand up for a fight. If not pulling people down to get the first place in line, how can you do it? Nicely ask them to? Will they simply say yes or kick you down to the ground.

If you don't get hurt, you can't learn from it. And at the end of the day, you'll achieve nothing.

"As unbalanced as we are" "If we have different strides, let's join hands"

This part, this dam part *cry*

Wataru is a different star, and Eichi is a different star, yet Eichi is trying to reach out to him.

Silly science time! Did you know that two stars are really really far away from each other? Yes, the Sun is a star, but Earth, Mars, and others are planets, not stars.

Two stars can't be too close together.

The average distance between two stars in the Milky Way is around 5 light-years, or 29 trillion miles (47 trillion kilometers)

And even though all those constellations seem to a "standing close with other stars" and got connected into a line, they're in fact not, one might be far away from the other, yet they're all too far for our human eyes to know the difference.

Also, if you're wondering about the fact that two stars stand next to each other, they can but...they simply will pull themself close to the other and then go boom like a two-side car crash ( with both drivers being drunk a*s f*ck since they just get out from their daily local bar )

( it feels like that one time when I analyzed a Valkyrie song then ended up putting an whole a*s poem in it )

Yet, Eichi wants to get to Wataru, "Let's join hands", so we don't lose each other, so you would go too far away from me.

"The path ahead of you" "I shall light it up" "I'm your "SHINING STAR"."

Guy, no word needs to be said, you simply read and understand...

AAAAA, fine! I will *continue to cry my eyes out*, Eichi wants to light Wataru road ahead.

To Wataru, the little actor, the little clown. Eichi is out there, writing the script for him. Wataru want Eichi too, as at first he was unsure, but now? He wants to lead the way, he wants a future with Wataru.

So he'll light the way, he'll become Wataru's "Shining star".

"If you were to lose your way, I would certainly guide you back"

Like a lost ship in the sea, Eichi will be his lighthouse, leading Wataru back to land.

"You just need to believe me, and take a step forward"

I love you as my beloved idol, I love to show you're talent to the world out there, and let them know how beautiful you are. So please put your trust in me.

"Oh, SHINING STAR" "Our world is such a cold, yet kind place, continuing to revolve" "So in oder to arrive at a new tomorrow"

Eichi is still insecure about life, he had been taught that he'll have to stand up for himself. He had been taught that this place was cold and lonely.

Yet he was able to find love. Eichi was not so sure if that love would stay for long, but it did change him.

The world that he thought was a cold and terrible place was actually warm and full of joy.

He's not so sure to accept this love, despite that, he wants it to stay for as long as it can. Because of it, he was able to continue to live on, and arrive at the moment when he thought he was already dead by that time.

The lyrics repeat themselves, showing Eichi's determent to become a shining star, as bright as Wataru, so he can stay next to him.

"Oh, SHINING STAR" "Underneath this starry sky" "An unknown, neverending path continues" "And for your sake" "I'll keep on shining" "I'll be "SHINING STAR"."

AND NOW, Welcome our next Eichi's solo:

Crystal Pleasure !!!

Before we get into the analysis, I just want you to know. SHINING STAR had a soft and chill beat, it was slow and calm but also sad and a little misery once you read through the lyrics.

BUT HIS SECOND SOLO? Crystal Pleasure?

It had a jazz-like 90s vibe and such a happy beat! It shows his change, that he is no longer fighting for his life but actually filled with joy with the new and warm future where the path is now clear to him.

"Crystal Pleasure, let's burn some Crystal Pleasure into those eyes" "Crystal Pleasure, there's so many Crystal Pleasure, over and over again."

The beginning was POP!

Anyway, the first song was about shining stars, and this time, it Crystal.

Both are kira kira but one is up in the sky and one is down to the ground.

I got a little confused but I guess I'll use both meanings. Crystal doesn't just mean a type of gem or quartz, it too means glass, depending on the way you use it.

It is a "crystal quartz" but it can also be a "crystal clear glass".

If we're talking about the crystal gems that is, then the meaning is quite clean, since crystal is being used in decorating important places and objects.

To make something beautiful is to decorate it with shining gems.

The meaning/symbolization of those shining crystals is "transcendence and the light of the heaven". Yes, all over Eichi and Fine theme isn't it.

Now, I won't let you wait any longer, let's get into the song, shall we:

"The world is flooding with entertainment (competing for stardom)" "And as they compete, they become more and more extreme, wanting to be chosen" "Even so, those pure eyes remain as they seek" And all the white and black that I emit to be stared at dazzlingly"

It was not just about the idol industry, Eichi was trying to tell a story here.

That "they" was someone. Guess who? Wataru Hibiki!

The lines: "As they compete, they become more and more extreme" really stick out to me.

A silly jester, a genius, who wanted to learn from trick to trick and he was able to learn them quickly given that he was a kind of genius. An Eccentric member.

He is an actor, standing on stage, waiting for a director to choose him, to write him a script.

Eichi could feel the eyes of Wataru, which seek for a screenwriter, to write Wataru a brand new story, a brand new world.

Eichi then accepted Wataru's invitation and decided to be the one to give him his new plays. A new role, a new life, a new love.

"Let's take my hand because it's a miracle that I was able to meet you in the brightness" "And I hope to repose to that miracle of meeting you with my whole life ahead of me"

After all that time, after a suicide state of him, being saved by Wataru was like a gift from god. He knew that he had such a love for idols, that love almost died down, being forgotten but then Wataru came, reminding Eichi about why he was here in the first place.

"Meet you in the brightness" is like an angel, visiting Eichi by the window. The light from the window makes Wataru look bright, like the angel he is to Eichi.

Moreover, this line has some resemblance to the symbolization of crystal, remember it? It's "Transcendence and the light of the heaven" .

( What's that? Sound like the tiled of this song is already about Wataru? The whole song is! What can I say more than the homies are at it again!!!)

Wataru was his savior, and Eichi hoped that he could repay this gratefulness to him.

Here, it may be minor but it was a welcoming change! Knowing Eichi, he would likely try to repay Wataru with lots of stuff. His ways of love are to buy people things and make a big event just for something so small yet it was precious to him, so it was worth it.

Did I mention the fact that Eichi bought a WHOLD AS* pyramid for him just because Wataru joke? Yeh...I'm not lying.

But in this line: "hope to repose - with my whole life ahead of me"

It changes, somethings change. Staying with Wataru for long enough, his view of looking changes. Now, instead of buying him something, Eichi uses his life and quality time as a gift to Wataru.

Eichi "Buying things for you is want I want to, but then again, maybe, spending some time with you is the real meaningful gift" Tenshouin.

Also, a small detail but the "Let's take my hand" part, did you know that in Tempest, this adorable little detail takes place:

"I want to connect all the sparkling moments and make you happy" "Ah, as long as I am allowed to live, let me give you happy dreams"

The first line is when Eichi wants to give Wataru happiness, but the second? A little happy mix with sad.

"As long as I am allowed to live"

Eichi mentions his sickness, will the sickness kill him first or will he overcome it. He doesn't know, but as long as he's healthy, when he's still here, he'll do everything to make Wataru happy.

The times may run out, but before I die, giving you happiness is the thing that will satisfy my near-death soul.

To fulfill Wataru's dream is the first thing to do on his little bucket list.

"I think I know how to charm you ( this unyielding stardom )" "So if there's something I can do here, I vow to protect it"

Bit confused, but I read it ten times over and understood that Eichi finally accepted Wataru's love, he vowed to protect it, the love and hope that bloomed from this new relationship.

"Now, I want you to look forward to it, and determine the value with your eyes" "This dream, love, and freedom that I draw now became strong and full of color"

I would like to have a call back to another line in this song, it was "all the white and black that I emit" given that these lyrics are talking about the freedom of Eichi's soul.

From a soulless human with just black and white, now his world is "full of color", filled with love and hope, this dream that seems to be lost has come back to life.

"Let's visit you into the brilliance, towards the tomorrow you desire" "Let's be a little greedy, there's no need to hold back"

Eichi will give Wataru the stage to shine, into the world of light that Wataru wants.

This dream was never about Eichi, and that's what makes it about him.

Since the day Wataru saved him, his love of idols has once again come back to life. Being able to make Wataru's dream come true was Eichi's desire all along.

He views that his wish is a bit too greedy, knowing that it will take a tedious process, but he won't stop, he has been in the darkness for too long. Now he wishes to see the light and get used to it so it won't blind him.

The wish to see Wataru shining like a star with his own two eyes. So Wataru, please don't hesitate, though I'm quite the greedy, I hope you'll be happy to see me, staying here with you, your happiness is my light.

"Connecting the precious time, we are the protagonists on this stage" "While blessed by countless stars, let us sing our never-ending dreams"

So some of you may not know about this but, interesting information: Both Eichi and Wataru, one ( or 99 times more ) admit that they're the villain of the stage.

Yes! BOTH.

Eichi was in pain and after the war, he admitted all the faults he had and told himself that he was the evil villain of the show, even long after the war ended, he still thought it that way.

Wataru is a bit different, the exact time was never mentioned, but clues are all over the place. Wataru admitted to Tomoya that he usually plays the role of villain. And, it made sense since Wataru passed constraint to him being asked to play tricks, he likes to do tricks and magic, but the people, they always ask for more.

Wataru was scared, but he continued anyway, he continued to learn new tricks, but that was not enough

He didn't go mad and start taking the role of a villain though, it was never clarified. But I don't think that was the case, not at all.

Wataru was more likely to take the role of villain because he wanted to step back and out of the light of the stage. Of course, he is still there, but not in a heroic way anymore. He didn't mean to but he wished people to look away from him more often than before, though, in the end, it was quite the opposite, he made friends and lots of people admitted him.

Even Wataru never expect this to happen. In the "Phantom Thieves VS Detectives" story, Epilogue 3, he said this: "But believe it or not, the amount of friends and acquaintances I've made since entering Yumenosaki Academy have surprisingly increased in size."

They're both villain in their own story, but later on, after many hardships and challenges, they learn and understand.

The two are no longer the villains but the protagonist, the protagonist of a story where they get to stand together on the stage.

And with the Fine now, they'll stand together, with Tori and Yuzuru, sing the never-ending symphony of their dreams.

Here comes, my favorite:

"Determination alone is futile, but you are there, the one who saved me is you" "Because your passionate gaze gives me the meaning of life"

Eichi literally went: "Only by trying is not enough, if not for you who had saved me from the darkness, I would've been gone." to Wataru.

Also about how Wataru gives him the biggest motivation to keep living and doesn't "kick the bucket" due to sickness or several suicidal attempts.

And, it ends with other lines got repeated:

"Let's take my hand because it's a miracle that I was able to meet you in the brightness" "And I hope to repose to that miracle of meeting you with my whole life ahead of me" "I want to connect all the sparkling moments and make you happy" "Ah, as long as I am allowed to live, let me give you happy dreams forever"

"Crystal Pleasure, let's burn some Crystal Pleasure into those eyes" "Crystal Pleasure, there's so many Crystal Pleasure, over and over again."

Alright, this is the end of part 1, Eichi's solo song. We'll now move to part 2, which I'll make in another post.

So I want you to know that I wrote this with all my heart that I pulled out of my chest. I love them from the bottom heart of my.

I don't need you to forgive Eichi or forget what he did in the past, this whole analysis was not made for that purpose, I just need you to understand that he did, in fact, lots of bad things in the past and he got his punish, it a punish to live on, to learn and suffer with the future. But Wataru was there, helping him out, so he's not that scare anymore.

If anyone ask me to tell them they're homo but without telling them they're homo, I'll show them this long a*s paragraph ( I'm so proud of myself for writing this but also asking myself that I should be out there making money instead...but I'm feeling great after written this so...maybe it not that bad )

THANK YOU FOR READING!

Part 2 will be coming out soon? I mean, I'll put the link in if I finish it...hopefully...

[just-a-little-unionoid]

hello can you please elaborate on your nimona post about movie ballister vs book ballister? would love to hear more if possible !

Yeah sure!

So, the post was something like "movie!Ballister who only saw Nimona as a monster for a second ,which almost killed her VS. book!Ballister who refused to ever saw Nimona as a monster, which almost killed her"

I turned the sentence that way to accentuate the "mirror" effect but the situations are actually very different

I'm gonna assume you (or anyone else reading the post) have both seen the movie and read the graphic novel, so of course this post will contain spoilers for both, which will be under the cut

Also if it doesn't answer your question please ask for precisions ^^

So, let's start with the movie, since I think it's the first one most people saw first and because it's the easiest to explain

It's pretty transparent I think, in the movie everyone see Nimona as a monster, they don't even know her but still believe she's evil and should die just for existing. "Monster" is a deshumanizing term, it's violent, and she rightfully hate being called one. Ballister, as everyone does, start by being frightened by her, but he get over his bias and end up seeing her as she is: just Nimona

But then Ambrosius bring him the scroll, and he doubt for a second, for a second he think she's really a monster and she really killed all those people (which she didn't, obviously) and Nimona see it, and she think that AGAIN her best friend only see her as a monster, she think that's all everyone will ever see in her, that she will ever be misunderstood and wished dead, and she tries to kill herself over it

The graphic novel is... less explicit about why exactly she tries to kill herself, and it's been a few months since I've read it last time, but I'll try to remember

In this version everything is much darker, every character is at least a little less of a good person, and for Nimona it means that she kills people. A lot. Nimona in the graphic novel fully start as a bad person and embrace this role. She likes killing and causing chaos, and is absolutely unapologetic about it. She still befriends Ballister who is also a little less of a good person, and doesn't care too much about people dying (he doesn't like it either, but it won't stop him from working with Nimona). They become close, they become friends, and along with Ballister we learn bits of Nimona's backstory, we learn about her traumas, we learn why she's like this and we also see that she can refrain her murder tendancy when asked to

The conflict between Ballister and Nimona start at maybe half the book, but it doesn't escalate into the whole... disaster that it does until the Institution captures her and try to experiment on her. To escape she splits in two, one part being her traumatized inner child, and the other being a violent manifestation of her pain, anger, sadness and rage. And the thing Ballister fail to understand, that he refuses to acknowledge at all, is that this dragon, this monster, IS Nimona. Sure it's not all that she is (which is what she pretend), but it is very much a part of herself, it's an inherent part of herself. She was made this way by years of abuse and trauma she never really tried to heal, she's violent because she's hurt. And while I think Ballister is partially right for refusing to believe her when she says it's her true self, that it always have, it doesn't really matter here because that's what she believes, that's how she see herself, and anyway it is a part of herself

And he refuses to accept it, and even ends up killing the dragon, partially because he didn't have much choice and, I think, partially because he still didn't saw it as a necessary part of Nimona

And then the inner child refused to go with him and prefers to stay alongside the dragon, even if it means dying with it

[satancopilotsmytardis]

Ooh new chapter!

Well, there goes his plan on waiting until he forgets that he's human. Good. Though the thought of Shifting-Sickness is kind of terrifying. It was bad enough when it just meant forgetting your human self, losing that part of yourself, but this is. Well, it makes sense, I guess? You'd lose so much, after all, it would make sense for someone's psyche not to survive that either.

Okay, that's harsh. It's not entirely a lie, but it's very much exagerated and harsh. Like I said, the "tantrum to get his attention again" is, I don't know. It's true that Dabi wants to get his attention again, but calling it a tantrum feels wrong. Especially since he really does want to kill him and is ready to see everything else burn, too.

I'm glad Dabi gets to talk to someone about his past. I'm also glad Stain can give him more information about shifters. It's interesting that Shouto is a shifter as well! I wonder if he knows? I wonder if Rei knows and told him to hide it, too? Not telling them about each other would be cruel, but since they never interact anyway, I could kind of see where the thought is coming from? Hmm.

Ouch. I mean yeah, the situation is messed up and at least Shigaraki should know Dabi is a shifter, but Dabi keeps getting thrown in the deep end, doesn't he? Again and again and again he feels terrible about what is going on. Again and again there are new reasons for him to feel like that.

Dabi is planning on sacrificing himself. Not only to kill his father, but to try and take away some of the pain the League will feel after he dies. He still worries about them so much. He's in love with Shigaraki and it shows. He says he hates that he's being selfish and he tries to make decisions to protect the others but it won't work because he needs to talk to them for that.

I love when Stain and Shigaraki get along. That duo is so funny. Also, I'm glad Shigaraki has someone he can talk to about this stuff.

Oh my god. You didn't. Holy shit, that is one hell of a way for that reveal to go. Of course, Dabi immediately focuses on the important things (like Shigaraki's eyes).

Nobody in this house is normal. Shigaraki doesn't even consider that Dabi might be a spy, he's just fucking terrified of losing Onigiri again. Of losing that first good thing that happened to him.

Well, that's a shift in dynamic. Though I guess I can see why. Dabi just confessed to him and he's definitely pretty and when you think about everything Dabi has been doing under the light that he's human, yeah, okay. Though I'm a bit worried that Shigaraki also did that to keep him. Because he's scared that if he doesn't give Dabi this, he'll leave. Their dynamic is very messy here. I hope they talk about it and work it out once they're no longer this on edge.

Dabi wants to show that he is useful. Oh, the boy wants to do whatever it takes to be able to stay. Also, he really needs to get over the fact that he's colour blind as a cat fast or things are going to be even more awkward. It's already bad enough that he knows way more than he should and that he needs to be careful with what he says (and also that he has had way too little human interaction).

Boyfriend reveal, lol. Dabi is going to have to put the work in to get along with the rest of the League, especially since he really can't interact with Onigiri for that. Stain is an absolute bastard (who wants to make sure at least Shigaraki knows).

Oof, this is a lot. The fact that Shigaraki is absolutely jealous that Stain knee before him hurts, but is understandable. Dabi will have to put in a lot of work before the others accept him. They don't think he's good for Tomura and I can see why, but also that's kinda fucked up.

Aw, they're working out a routine! Also, Shigaraki is absolutely right, Dabi would do absolutely anything if he said it would make him happy. He's such a simp.

Stain is such a menace oh my God. He's going to keep poking at Dabi until he sets someone on fire. Just made a joke about his quirk directly after having a very serious talk. I love this man.

Dabi is trying so, so hard. Especially since the others are already sad about the fact that Onigiri isn't around. Do they think that Dabi and Onigiri don't get along? That would explain at least some of the cold attitude. Or do they think Dabi too was send by AfO? Do they think he's trying too hard? God, Dabi just wants his family to like him :(.

They're bonding! "Their guilty consciences bullied them for me." Is a very funny line.

Mmm very good smut. Pet play and Master kink! It's been a while. Though I can't help but remember that they have thin walls... I guess the others will just have to deal with that.

It's cool that Dabi gets more cat-like urges as a human when he's so out of his head! I'm sure Shigaraki won't mind letting Dabi clean him up some time :).

This chapter sure was a ride! I'm glad Shigaraki knows now, and I'm looking forward to seeing Dabi interact with the rest of the League more! I do wonder, is Shigaraki going to make Dabi the leader for the summercamp job again? How will everyone feel about that? Guess we'll have to wait and see! (Just like Dabi has to wait and see if he ever gets to know Stain's animal form).

Thank you so much!

Stain is definitely harsh, but not everyone is going to look at a revenge plot and think it's something worth dying over no matter what the reason their doing it is. For someone who's entire goal is to change the world through his violence and not let himself be stopped until he's finished with his work and surrenders, Dabi just having the plan to scream his trauma to the world and then immediately go out in a blaze of glory after killing one guy would be pretty pathetic to him

Stain and Shigaraki have such sibling energy in this fic and I'm kind of living for it, supreme bitchiness and effectiveness all at once

NO ONE IN THAT HOUSE IS NORMAL

Dabi and Shig are both a mess throughout this chapter but they are doing their best to figure it out! The League and Stain just to happen to be REALLY not helping as they do.

They do have thin walls :) and I'm sure that won't come back to haunt them at all :)

Thanks for commenting!

[hussyknee]

Being triggered by a fic feels stupid. But I really hate what this fandom does to my beloved MoC character. They keep treating him like a fuck up that has to work to be worthy of the white guy that runs away or ices people out when shit gets too real.

In this one my ADHD brown boy is a rock star trying to fill up his anxiety with drugs and casual sex. He's sent to the white guy for a kind of mentorship to straighten himself out. They spend months falling in love, even though white guy keeps turning him down every time he tries to attempt anything more intimate. Finally he outright kisses him and white guy says no, we shouldn't. He says "don't you want me?" And white dude says "no".

MoC is broken hearted and humiliated. He screens the guy's calls, goes away on tour and hits up a stranger for casual sex. The next day he finally checks his voicemail, and it's white guy apologizing for turning him down and explaining he was just scared because he liked him so much. MoC is like "oh shit" and goes back and confesses that he slept with someone. White guy acts like he betrayed him. "But you turned me down!" "I thought you cared enough about me to not be able to sleep with a stranger right afterwards." Tells MoC to fuck off.

Look. I'm ace. I'm not a fan of casual sex. I want the whole true love I-never-even-looked-at-another-person-while-pining-for-you fantasy. I hate when my ship characters talk about the sex they had with other people. I'm in this stupid fandom for the idealised romance.

That said. Fucking what??

This dipshit turned my boy down three times just because he likes to sabotage himself. He broke his heart. And then he wants him to be unable to fuck anyone else right afterwards as proof of his love?He gets to reject him and then make him sound like Ross from Friends going "We were on a break"? He won't communicate but the other person has to read his mind?

I can't even believe that the author has my own hang ups about seeing my ship fuck other people because they've written other fics where that was the case. Everyone else in this fandom seems to love the idea too. This is the first time I'm seeing it framed as a problem, let alone a deal-breaker.

MoC then spends a solid year working on himself to be healthy and responsible and prove to white guy that he's good enough to have a relationship with. He won't take his calls so MoC makes the song they worked on together into a love letter and releases it hoping he'll hear it and understand. Meanwhile white dude just writes an album about how sad he is they didn't work out. This is supposed to be romantic.

In the end MoC lays out his whole heart bare again and white guy nearly pulls his avoidant bs again but they end up together. But frankly I wish he'd get run over by a bus.

It wouldn't be triggering me so badly if it was just about one fic. But it's a pattern of hypocrisy repeated over and over again. I hate how this fucking fandom makes the white dude's self-sabotage and avoidant behaviour out to be so uwu woobie and MoC a terminal fuck up because of his impulsivity and obliviousness. He's basically the personification of ADHD so I can't tell whether they just hate all neurodivergents or just the ones of colour.

This is why I don't want representation. A character you can see yourself in is just an opportunity for white women and queers to visit microaggressions on you by proxy.

[rebouks]

I figured it'd be interesting to pick apart Oscar's nightmare.. for science! Sorta like an author's note ig ⚆_⚆

Groundhog Day: Oscar feels trapped. Every time he tries to sort his shit out, something happens that forces his unhealthy coping mechanisms into overdrive. Every time he tries to fix his relationship with his family, Courtney, etc.. he's reminded how unsafe it might be to keep them close, so he pushes them away again. Every time he and Ivan feel like they're getting somewhere, it's ripped from their grasp again. He's tired, and he's worried that without self medicating, he won't be able to keep going.

The Radio: Nothing too spectacular here. The radio report about Spencer is wishful thinking. At this point, Oscar's not even been in rehab for a full week! There's no way Ivan or even Sid could have worked that fast. The various songs that played over and over are just some of his favourites, though the lyrics are quite applicable to how he feels/what he's going through.

TOOL - Parabola | Forty Six & 2

Oscar's Reflection: Finally deciding to work on himself isn't sitting easily.. Oscar hates introspection. He doesn't like 'looking' at himself, or trying to figure out why he is the way he is. Does he even like himself? Will he ever get to a point where he can stomach the man looking back at him? He doesn't know, and he reaaaally doesn't want to think about it. Little dramatic maybe, but he genuinely has to.. otherwise he might not be around for much longer. He's not lying when he says he legit doesn't understand why Courtney or anyone else loves him. He doesn't think it's a self esteem issue though ⚆_⚆

Courtney: Guilt, basically.. he loves Cookie so so much, but he genuinely feels like she'd be better off if she never met him. He knows his actions (though unintentional) have hurt her deeply, and he knows she's putting on a brave face. Like Oscar, Courtney buries her feelings - she hasn't spoken to him or anyone else about what happened. He's worried about her, but he's also worried that if she deals with those feelings properly, she'll finally realise the danger he unwillingly put her in and leave for good. He's sure it's not the case, though he does wonder if she'd have left if she wasn't pregnant.

Stuffed Animals: A representation of the past, I suppose. Oscar can barely remember being young and carefree, he was a pretty emotionally mature kid, though the way he dealt with those emotions was anything but mature. Now look at you. Oscar's disappointed in himself, and he figures everyone else is too. Courtney's bunny is a little more forgiving though, reminding him that although he might not be happy with himself right now, he can still dream.. aim to be and do better. That's what 'she' means by there's no epilogue to be found in here. This isn't the end of the road, not yet!

Wyatt's Presence/Helping Hand: He's not fond of Wyatt by any means, but he doesn't hate him as much as he says he does; nor does he want him dead. Oscar's a compassionate man who likes to think there's some good in everyone. Wyatt's not the only one who pays close attention to the actions of others.. Oscar's noticed he behaves like a man with nothing to lose, which he finds odd (and fucking scary) because if anything, the opposite is true. He doesn't trust him, he unnerves him, doesn't understand him... But surely no one's a completely rotten apple? Conscious Oscar isn't so quick to admit/believe any of this, but on a subconscious level, maybe.

Ivan's Suicide: Certainly out of character. Ivan isn't suicidal, never has been. No, this is more about Oscar's fear of losing him. He's recently come to realise just how important Ivan is to him, he doesn't feel like he's been a very good friend (hence the reason he was unable to stop Ivan from killing himself). Oscar's been so wrapped up in his own turmoil that he's offered little to no support in return, and he knows it. Ivan's unwavering support and lack of judgement has moved Oscar, kept him going when he didn't think he could. Aside from Courtney and his family, Oscar wants to better himself in part so he can return the favour. The fact that Ivan's still out there working whilst he's stuck in rehab is a scary thought, especially since he's not allowed to contact anyone. He hopes his friend is still alive and well in the waking world.

Oscar's Past Selves: Hindsight is wonderful, isn't it? It'd be too easy for us to go back and warn ourselves of the mistakes we'll make in the future. The only thing we can do is learn from the past and apply that knowledge to our future decisions. Oscar's mostly let go of his grudge where Sid/Alton are concerned, he's tired of being bitter. Sid was busy, not in touch with her maternal side or her emotions... Alton's absent-minded. He needed more attention from them, more guidance, but he never got it. He didn't ask. Perhaps it's too much to ask of a child to realise what they're lacking and request it, but Oscar knows he made his own decisions. Salton/Noah's absence should be noted here, it's fairly important that Oscar's finally looking at himself instead of blaming other people; finally trying to make amends with his history and his choices, however poor they may have been. At the end of the day, we have but ourselves for company... One thing's for damn sure, Oscar's gonna try his hardest to be there for his own kid(s), no matter what.

Extras: I have no idea what two two zero two means. Same goes for the line: that's when it ends. 😉 The threshold is not what it seems... The barriers we place upon ourselves regarding what we can/should think, do, and feel aren't always what they're cracked up to be. Somnia iacebat ruinas = your dreams lay in ruins.

As ever I had no plans before going into this little 'story', though it was fun to take a trip into Oscar's mind. Talk about horror (⊙_⊙;)

[stargazeraldroth]

okay Dream and Ink are both just suffering in Balanceswap and I am Big Sad about it :( poor boys… at least they can hug each other??? but hhh Error smack some sense into Nightmare and then come get your husband and his adopted son!!!

also, Ink being Dream’s, like, pseudo parent is. very cute to me, I love that??? please tell us more about the two of them and their relationship… I need them to have one good thing :( what does Dream think of what Ink went through and his thought process following it? what’s his impression of Error and the creators? how does Ink feel about what Dream went through in his village? does he want Nightmare to be redeemed so Dream can have his brother back, or is he worried he’d just hurt him again? are they protective of each other?

Trust me, Error's TRIED to talk some sense into Nightmare, but he just... won't listen. Nightmare's too self-centered and entitled to accept criticism about how he acts or does things, even if they're true- especially if they're true. Also, Error can still be affected by the twins' auras, meaning that if Nightmare really wanted to, he could... persuade Error to see things from his perspective.

When Ink tells Dream about everything, he makes it clear that he doesn't want him to hate Error. But Ink's own views on the Creators heavily influence Dream's, though Dream isn't as expressive of them as Ink is. He sees some of the good points Ink makes in his thought process, but he doesn't know if Ink's perspective is the right one. And by the right one, he means it more like the right thing to do. He understands that both positivity and negativity need to exist, but he doesn't actually understand the idea of the Balance.

Ink is understandably and rightfully pissed about what Dream went through in the village. He thought Dream acted like a child when he came out of the statue, but to find out he was actually only 6 years old when it all happened... makes him feel some pity for Nightmare, too, but Nightmare's had centuries to grow and improve himself. Ink knows how much Dream misses Nightmare, but also knows that it's too dangerous for him. Nightmare wouldn't deliberately harm Dream, as I said before, but the situation wouldn't be fair to Dream. If his experience when he ran away was anything to go by, he'd be bedridden and miserable for the rest of his life.

But yes, they're very protective of each other, though Ink's a bit more protective than Dream is. In a way, Dream looks up to Ink as the parental figure he's never really had. Sure, Nim was... somewhat there, but she didn't really... take care of them. She couldn't, she had no body, but she wasn't really there emotionally, either... ironic, considering she's the original Guardian of the Tree of Feelings. Likewise, Ink treats Dream as though he is his own child, though he isn't exactly sure how to raise a kid or be a parent. Ink also feels a bit bad because he kinda dragged Dream into the whole mess, but while he'd like to just leave him with Error to keep him safe, he's paranoid. Error's working with the Omega Timeline, which is working with Nightmare. Ink knows that the twins' auras work on Error, but they don't work on him. He can't... he can't risk it.

But, in other news, Ink tries to help Dream learn how to control his powers. It's a bit of a mess, since Dream's magic is very different from Ink's. Not to mention that they have to consider avoiding Nightmare's detection... any sudden spikes in negative energy could catch his attention. But Ink tries his best to take care of Dream. He makes sure the kid is fed, has warm clothes, shelter, etc. Ink's trying his best :(